The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #465 - Willie Barcena

Episode Date: March 21, 2017

Willie Barcena, Comedian with 12 appearances on the Tonight Show and 3 stand up specials (with a 4th on the way), joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order. Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY to get 2 weeks for free. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 03/20/2017.
    

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Code word jelly. There you go. Who do you think you're dealing with? Joy Bananas? Kick that mulee. Shit. Just when you thought it was safe. Take it to the next level, Lee. Come on. Blow their fucking earphones out, Lee. Here we go. It's your lucky day. Cock suckers. It's the church of what's happening now, bitchy.

Coming at you. Dig these little sticks right here. Here we go. Here we go. Oh shit. It's Mission Impossible. Willie Barsena. Lee Syatt.

Uncle Joey coming at you. Here we go. Oh. Stop it. Here we go. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. Lee Syatt, my main man, Willie Barsana.

What's happening? What's up, bro? I'm going to hang out with you. You are. All right. What's up with you there, Lisa? I had an amazing. I had something happened that never happened in my life before.

I left Vegas with more money than I went there with. Oh, shit. Look at you. Amazingly practicing like you work. Like you said, it actually worked. I've been playing like every week for like two months or something like that, a month and a half. And I did break. What are you going this week?

Probably Thursday. To Vegas? No, no, not to Vegas. Just to somewhere around here. I would love to go again this week. but uh no it was um i love Vegas i don't i understand for comedians if you're stuck there for like a week that must suck oh it sucks dick but for long week fucking blows man by wednesday you want to shoot yourself you're hearing ding ding ding ding ding ding that you've

already fucking drank it was i don't know it just didn't plus you don't really have a lot of money to gamble like it's not like that's why people go to spend money i think i like i like i like the short week i did one of those long weeks one time at the lexor When it was Catch a Rising Star Sun, and it was just... He's had three shows a night. Yeah, three shows for fucking... That's crazy. Everyone shows for fucking $50 or something like that.

It was fucking ridiculous. Then I liked Reno. Reno was a little bit more... How do you say? The Geneseecois. You know what I'm saying? What you see in Reno is what you get. But that club I liked because it was an easy five shows.

I featured, you know what I'm saying? I went and on Fridays they paid you so the guy was cool we don't have to wait till Sunday and shit So I liked it because of that but I don't know I never did well a whole week in a fucking casino man I was in Baltimore last weekend if you came to one of the shows thank you very much The shows were great the city was great you know the day I left somebody threw a fucking Fire bomb into a building and killed two teenagers they don't fuck around in Baltimore though The first, I got there on a, like, one thing I'll never do again is take a fucking red eye, Willie. That is it.

That is it. That is it. That was the last time. They're painful, man. I miss my last red eye. And you miss your red eye. You just go home. There's no next flight, bro.

You know, there's what people don't understand. And again, I hate to be this fucking guy. 30 years ago when you got an 11 o'clock flight, if there was 80 people on the flight, 40 of them, We're drinking. It was more, the lights were on in the back. If you wanted to drink, you walk to the back. You can hang out. You could switch your seats.

Today, you can't do that. These planes are fucking packed to the brim. They turn the lights out. I can't sleep on a plane. You know, I always thought whenever I do edibles and get on a plane, I go fucking crazy at night. In the daytime, it's fine. But at nighttime, Willie, I go crazy.

I start sweating and my legs won't stop. That shit at night that you get, I never get that. People say they have movable legs at night. I never get that till I fly. Well, this time, I didn't eat marijuana, and I fucking got it, dog. So I was telling one of the air attendants on the way back, and she said the cabin pressure, something is fucking with my system at night.

So she goes, don't do it no more. Then I got off the fucking plane. The plane is early. I get to the hotel 5.30. 8.30 in the morning, I can't fucking sleep. I can't fucking sleep. Yeah, really. You got to go outside and smoke 52 joints and I had to go eat breakfast.

By the time I fell asleep was nine, then you're walking around at 12.30. And then you go back to sleep until about 4.30, and then you got to stay up because the fucking show. You're like a zombie. You're like a fucking zombie. And I had great shows. I mean, they're cool and shit in Baltimore. They took the ride. I think one night they stiffened up a little bit, and then we started talking about being blue-cow.

They were great. The fucking, for St. Patty's Day. I had to do radio and they said the girl that picked me up at the airport said I'm picking you up tomorrow at 7.30 in the morning

and it's like a 30 minute ride but afterwards it says Jimmy's seafood so I thought that I had to go to like to meet the owner at a seafood place like you wanted to buy me lunch and I'm like I'm fucking too tired

you know I'm not like let me just go to the hotel and watch gangland whatever the fuck I watch on Friday is and then I go out Or remote, or when they do remote? Remotes. From restaurants. But, dog, they, then that night, everybody was like,

listen, tomorrow you're doing the remote from Jimmy's. Oh, yeah. And they're like, wait, make sure you get the crab cakes. Like, they're the best, best crab cakes in Baltimore. I got there, guys, at 8.45 in the morning. And this place was bumper-to-bumper with people. And these people were fucking drinking.

And I'm not talking about beers with it. No, no, no, yeah. Like, Fecky, L.A. people. like drinking beers. The waitresses had fucking things, those things, filled with these shots of whiskey. And these people were doing these fucking shots like they were water at a quarter of nine, Willie. My soul was hurting.

Like I hadn't done that in 30 years. Had a shot at a quarter of nine. That's when you feel shitty, though. A shot at a quarter of nine. But you know what? You know, I'm a drinker, right? Yeah. I'm okay with that.

Oh, my God. This place was packed. And Lee, they brought out two crab cakes. I couldn't eat the fucking corn beef and cabbage because I don't eat meat on Fridays Even though the arts diocese says You could eat meat for St. Paddies I said I don't give a fuck I'm old school

Lee if you were seeing this corn beef and cabbage You would have fucking gave up your religion When I smelled it my fucking heart stopped And I didn't eat it The guy brought out two crab cakes that were delicious I went back to the hotel I smoked some pot I slept You're a big corn beef guy?

Yeah Corned beef and cabbage How many times a year do you eat it twice if you're lucky Maybe once Yeah, I love that shit. I've always loved it with rye bread and shit. What? I don't know.

I mean, I never had like a real legit, like my mom made it a couple times. I never went to like a legit Irish place and got it. Is it Irish? Isn't an Irish dish? Yeah, that's what they give you for St. Patty's there, most of those places. But this shit was money. Like, I smelled that when I was a kid, I used to like corned beef sandwiches on rye. Tremendous and shit.

So what's going on, Willie Busset? Right here, bro. You're chilling with you, man. Always, brother. You read this fucking thing today. This kid got charged with 29 felonies. What do you do? He's the one that beat up the porn star, you know.

Oh, oh, oh, they call him the war machine. Oh, yeah, there was, yeah. I saw the, they were showing his girlfriend testifying. Yeah, she testified. Man, she got beat up, bro. You see those pictures? Bro, he broke her teeth and shit. I mean, 29 felonies.

Jesus Christ. And Lee was saying that he got away with four of them. He originally got charged with 35 of them. It was something like that. It was like they couldn't prove that he wanted to murder her. Can you imagine being his attorney? I got good news. I got six felonies dropped, okay?

What's the bad news? You got 29 to deal with. 29, 35 years old, Willie. So what is he getting? Life. Life, yeah. Well, that's... Without a...

No, he'll never see. I never see a street again. No. No. You know what? I got to give it to that, to that girl, man, because she was able to turn that around. You know, you know, she's made T-shirts with emojis with a black eye on it? I don't know if you know about this.

No. Yeah. And she's selling it. It's like she actually created herself. She's created like a little cartoon of herself with a black eye and wrote some, like, you know, something underneath. Like, you know, I'll survive or like, you know, some empowerment thing. And she's made some really good. cash from that man that's a you know well I know she donated it a lot you know she

donated a lot but I'm saying it smart bro yeah yeah the medical bills were fucking astronomical with that right the medical bills were fucking huge man I mean yeah he fucked her up and this is just a there's some fucking crazy people out there you know I wish him I don't know what to wish him I don't know well he's going right to where you don't come back right he's going to heavy-duty what you see not even what you see on TV. He's going to jail in Vegas.

He's not going where OJ is. He's going somewhere that you might get three meals a fucking day. And you do fight. They don't give a fuck. You're in there for life, bro. That's the real UFC. They were saying in the article that I read that his lawyer's argument was basically dumbed down to like roid rage. Essentially

was part of it. You've known people who did steroids. Would they go crazy? Would they get like that violent? So that was the excuse? was the roids. That was part of the excuse. Yeah. You know, brother,

some men react different to fucking with that pussy. Right. Okay. There's a thousand lessons out there. So, okay, you know my philosophy on that, bro? And here it is. I have buddies that are married, a lot of friends that are married. This is what I tell them.

This is what I tell everybody. Look, man. If, you know, if your chick's going to fuck somebody, there ain't nothing in the world. you can do about it, man. There's nothing in the world. You know what I mean? If you're a chick, and tens are your chick is fucking somebody, you know? Because we're

always busy, man. We're always on the road. I always talk. Most of the comics that I talk to, I tell him, dude, trust me, your chick's fucking somebody. You know what I mean? I mean, hey, you know, they need a hug, man. When we're on the road, someone needs to give him a hug.

No, I'm just talking about his fucking question, like what what makes you don't know listen whenever I go see my mother and I go to put flowers in my mother five or six five or six graves before that is a kid named Pedro Diaz

they used to play basketball with and when all those marilitos came from Cuba and all that shit he thought he was cute and he got a job working for a guy as like a bodyguard or some shit and he started fucking the guys why they shotguned him in half

they shotguned him in half some people go you did me a favor you know what you never know what the reaction is going to be so don't fuck around Christy Mack is a beautiful fucking girl she's out she's you know they broke up she's going on moving on with her life

you know what I'm saying she's trying to put the pieces together she starts seeing this guy who knows what went on and whether she's a porn girl or not he came in there I mean listen if he wanted to kill him he would have fucking killed didn't the guy get away yeah like the new boyfriend

the new boyfriend got away so you know if you want to you which is really weird there's a lot of weirdness here but what he did nothing compares to what the fuck he did he went nuts bro yeah he went fucking nuts he went oj yeah he went oj

you know didn't he fuck her again stuff after he beat her he did the towel it was fucking horrible so who knows People react to things differently, bro. Yeah, I mean, when you went down and ripped the ceiling, when you're getting the Coke from that guy's apartment, is that the same thing?

No, no, no. There was no anger involved there. Oh, okay. There's no anger. I was going to get what was mine in my fucking demented, addicted head. There's two different types of lashes there, you know? I'm trying to be a thief. I mean, dog, when I'm a thief, don't get me wrong.

Adrenaline's pumping, your heart's pumping, you go deaf, you can hear your heart beat. You know, all that same shit happens. But to walk, listen to me, walk and break in the house, oh, he had a key, didn't he? I don't know. That was a while ago.

I don't remember that part. He had a key. He went in there, heard him fucking kicked down the door, and just started beating on him. I knew a guy like that right out of high school, man. Dig this, you know, this guy right out of high school, bro,

became a coper, L-A-P-D, right? broke up with his uh was an old lady they had like a little split right and uh it was here in glendale man and and uh and he told she started dating some dude and he came home i guess he had a couple kids and he told her um and this is on the alley times man this is all that you know what i mean you can you can look this up and uh so he tells the guy hey uh listen this is my wife we just broke up for a while just leave just leave man don't i don't want to see you again i'm gonna let you i'm gonna let it go this time But I don't ever want to come back and see you again. So anyway, the guy doesn't take him serious, man.

And he comes back, like a couple weeks later, and the guy's in his living room sitting there. So, you know, this guy who I know real well, I mean, I went to junior high and high school with him. You know, the story goes is he puts the kids in the closet. And then he just starts shooting this guy, man, right there. But like, you know, like you say, bro, you never know. You know who it is? It's young guys. Young guys react because most of the stories, you know, old guys, bro. You know, you know, when you're young, you think it's like the last piece of pussy you're going to have in your life. Like, oh, my God, you know, this is like this pussy so special. You get older, man. You're like that lion from the Discovery Channel. You know, those old lions when they fight each other, they fight for the pride. And you know, like the old guy loses. He doesn't lose, man. He's like, fuck it, man. I'm tired of this shit. You know, wait until you fucking deal with fake, fucking take your

these by bitches. Do you know what I mean? As you get older, you're like, yeah, you don't get a fucking, like, take them, bro. Well, it's... I mean, what do you think? I mean, OJ was 50. OJ was 50, bro.

There's no age limit on this. You don't think so? Rage is rage. A testosterone thing? Rage is rage. Listen, right at the time with a dude that was like Lee, he was

mild man and he read books. He was a nerd in 1988. Right. He was considered a nerd. The real dude. with the glasses right right he said he went home one day and he could smell it he wasn't doing any drugs at the time he said he used to smoke pot cigarettes and drink nothing like that this guy was five foot eight 160 tiny you know

what people consider what what's that not millennials what's the other ones the one skinny jeans hipster he was a real hipster like even in jail or He wore the boots and shit, you know. And I became friends from him. And he told me a story that he went home one day and that he smelt something that he shouldn't have smelt. He goes, it smelled like a fucking sex. He goes, and I asked her questions,

and I would see that she was nervous. And he goes, I didn't threaten her nothing. He goes, I just played it. And I came home early one day. And there she was in bed. I pulled out a gun and shot them boat. And here I am, whatever. 18 years later.

That was it. He was very cool, man at the bottom. He just said it. They weren't going to get away with it. Did he say like he blacked out or he did it? Did he walked in with the gun? No, he walked in, heard them. He goes, I didn't even see him.

He goes, I went and got the gun. I kicked open the door and just shot them both. Yeah, man, that's a. And he shot him in, and that's what he said. He knew I was cool and stuff. So he goes, he shot him in the head. and the fucking dick or something. And she just went into fucking shock.

And he goes, you got three minutes to live or something, bitch. And she started out of ventilating. And he just blasted the rest of the clip in her. Bro, who the fuck knows? Shoot me in the head first and then the dick. Can you fucking... I don't want the dick first and then the head. You know what I mean?

Shoot in the head and then you can shoot the day. And I asked him questions, like, were you a violent person before this? Right. And he was like, I never even got into a fist fight. He goes, I had guns to go hunting. And I guess whatever he hunted, you shoot with a gun if there's a bad. I don't know. I don't know nothing about this shit.

He was a Colorado boy. So I don't know, you know, he goes, I had everything in the garage. He goes, I just knew something was up. I asked him that he premeditated. He goes, no, I just wanted to confront him. So it's fucking a scary thought. It's a fucking scary thought of what you would do. It's a scary thought.

not but I think I think guys start thinking they own the girl they're with and I think this where we start having problems because guys start thinking they actually own that girl and I and my thing is you if you put it in your head where you don't own anybody you know you're like you just you just don't own another human being and if that person that human being uh decides to suck a dick you know or get laid whatever if you come from the perspective of I don't this person you know yeah I mean you're like fuck it in 1993 I left Colorado I took a break I wanted to take a break I wanted to get back on my feet and I really wanted to do comedy I really wanted to do comedy I went to New York City did I go

for it in New York City no I fucked around like I usually do I got high I got on stage a few times in 11 months but when I went back to Colorado I moved back there with a Puerto Rican girl and she was a drug counselor and then she figured I was still doing drugs and I had to move out of her apartment and I started living at hotels and my cousins from time to time and I would sleep in Boulder

and in that process I don't even know I got in contact with this girl that was fucking hot when I was a detailer I used to detail cars at this place for all these dealerships and she was the receptionist

but I would always talk to her What's up, dog? Joey Baby, she was from somewhere in the south. But just tremendous. But the general, not the general manager, the manager of the detail shop, who was a very nice guy, started dating her. He had a corvette at that age, you know, he started dating it. Did I give a fuck?

No, I never said nothing. I had nothing. I didn't even like her like that. I had a girlfriend. But at this time, now in 93, him and her had a kid, and she was off the deep end. But really, still looking good. And she got me a job.

She goes, you want a job as a car seller? She goes, I do the books for this place, and I help out over there. So I got a job over there with her. And one day she goes, where are you sleeping until then? I go, she goes, I can't stay at my mom's no more. So I'm just going to get a hotel. Do you want to split the hotel?

And after two nights, we got a grandma coke, and sure enough, I slept with it once or twice. And it went on for like a fucking week and a half. and one day I'm emboldering, who do I bump into? The husband, right. And he came up to me, hey, what are you doing? He goes, can I talk to you? I go, yeah, what's up?

He goes, listen, man, I talked to her the other day. I know you guys been fucking around. He goes, just do me a favor. If you want. He goes, I really want to get back together with her. She's the mother of my son, and I really want to give her a shot. I don't know how you feel about it. He goes, I don't even know if I should be saying this to you.

I shook his hand. I went over there and got my stuff. I told her what had happened, and I never messed with her again. Was I scared of the guy, Willie? Not really. But Willie, how he came up to me. It's a little scared. No, no, no, no.

That was it? Not at all. Sometimes if someone approaches you that calm, man. No, no, he was a gentleman in the head. He said that he wanted her, but he also wanted her to be happy. Right. And he kind of had tears in his eyes. He was a man. He was a man about it. He was sad. You know, he didn't trip. He was secure in who he was.

I had another dude that was dating a girl for three years. Somebody came up to me when they said, listen, you guys would make a cute couple. She was talking about it one day. And they were broken up like six months. And I went to this dude like a man. And I said, can I talk to you, bro? How long I know you? And I said, God. I'm gonna ask him out on the date, bro. And I don't want no friction between me and you. And the guy looked at me and goes, that's up to you, dog. But if you, But if you do it, there's going to be a fucking problem. Okay, now I am going to fuck her. You know what I'm saying? So then I did sleep with the fucking girl, and I don't know what happened.

Who the fuck gives this shit? But that was my take. I liked how he came up to me like a man. He didn't threaten me at all. He just said he had a kid with a... Well, you felt it, man. No, I felt it, sure. This guy's coming from the heart.

Well, what happened was at the time, I had just been... Was I... Yeah, oh, yeah. I was separated like... two years. So I know what it felt like, bro. Yeah. I knew what it felt like. We all know what it feels like to be cheated on. We all, it's a horrible fucking feeling. You know what I'm saying?

That's why once you've been cheated on, you don't do it. You're like, you know what, man? I'm going to check myself in that department and shit, because that shit would break my heart if it happened to me. That's one of the things I didn't like about a small town. Because like in high school, if you're always going to know someone who dated someone else is like the

entertainment industry like the comedy like the people you guys used to date was everyone dating everyone or could you stick away from stay away from that like could you stay away from dating like another comedian's ex-girlfriend or i never never been putting that positionly i was very fortunate listen man i looked at comedy a lot different than a lot of other guys i looked at comedy as a savior in a way like it was don't get me wrong i bumped into different people now that you mention it you know what I'm saying like we all know the comedians are dirty dogs probably you all you know we know some dirty shit or whatever so we you know and most of these comedy chicks are the same chicks they'll

date you for three years you guys break up then she starts wearing a bikini going to open mics and shit right and eventually she's gonna fuck somebody and you could be tripped about that shit oh they're just comedians there's nothing you could do bro you know those girls have been through the system they know the fucking deal. If you end up marrying them or whatever. And another thing, because I was in that position, these kind of people that this happens to

90% of the time, you know when you're with a whore. Whether male or female. You know what I'm saying? You know when you're with a whore. So you have to tolerate. I used to date a fucking whore, bro. I couldn't trust. The stripper I moved here with was a fucking whore. There was nothing until this

day. She's a dirty fucking whore. There's nothing you could do about it. If you break up with her at three and afternoon sure have a boyfriend by 11 o'clock just on principle just on principal because that's how she is that's just the way it is so you know where you stand nine other ten times when you're involved in that situation and when I say them the word whore I mean it as male or female right I'm saying yeah like you know when you're with a fucking whore you catch somebody with a

fucking phone number they give you a story now you're on high alert right now you on high alert right now you catch another story Now it's up to you, Willie. Now it's up to you, Lee. Now it's up to me. Now it's up to you as a woman. You know, the second time you find a number and there's three-hour discrepancy

between here and the store. You know what I'm saying? Like, you went to Rouse. It's 10 minutes away. Well, what happened? Well, you're not going to believe it. They were out of carrots. So the guy said he was going to go to the other store

and bring them. So I said, what am I going to go home for? I just waited for the carrots. And you make up this fucking tail that guess what, Willie, we've all listened to and we've all heard and we want to believe it we want to believe it and that's what happens

to people that's what happens to people you know I'm lying to you and then they'll tell somebody like the girlfriends at the girl the call and say Joey left he's with another woman and then that night they'll call him where was that Pendejo and he'll say oh no you're not going to believe it he went to rouse

he got rear-ended the engine went on fire the fire the fire department had to come his cell phone fell in the water but when he got home we put it in rice and everything's okay now you know you believe what the fuck you want to believe when you're in love you know and then there's two types of love see the stripper I was never in love with it was that pussy right it was that filthiness you're that filthiness that she would do I had never had I was married for fucking six years seven years

and they don't let you like that pussy on fire and put fucking chocolate in their pussy Nobody, you know what I'm saying? So, you know, I put bottles in this girl's pussy. Who does you? I was infatuated with the thought of somebody else doing this stuff. And then one day I looked and like, how many dicks could possibly be in it? I want to marry this fucking monster. I want to marry this fucking monster.

And do what? And do what? And do what? I got a CDD, the kids. What's that shit when? You got to send in an anarchy test? What is that shit when, to see who the father is and shit? That's what I want to worry about.

of this is this is this yellow kid my father why does he have blonde hair i'm the you know i didn't want to worry about that so you fucking move on with your life and that's when people that's when people say i started to get stand-up comedy because when i moved here the first two years in 97-98 60% of my focus was on that broad 50% of my focus was dissecting her stories you know 50% of the story the other the other but there's another more to the story here She was paying the rent. Yeah, that helps. And she was stripping.

So, you know what I'm saying? Like, there was all these things that I didn't need to be there. But because I was struggling to be a comic, I was putting up with them because it was the ultimate goal. And in a lot of ways, today, I thank her because she got me to L.A. She got me to L.A. You know what I'm saying? Let's be honest. No matter what happened between us, she got me to L.A.

She was putting my life for a purpose. That dirty pussy, God put it in my life for a purpose. You know what I'm saying? I like the way God got you some dirty pussy. Who else would play a dirty trick on you like that? God said, hey, I'm going to get joy some dirty pussy, man. No, that shit's always been a checkpoint for me.

Like, listen, my ex-wife in Boulder, she cheated on me. At the time, I didn't know it. But now, today, after thinking about it, I didn't see it. I didn't see it. I didn't see it at the age of 32 or whatever a fucking old that was. I saw it maybe 10 years ago.

One day it just went. Because when I went to jail, he went in there for a haircut, and he sent her flowers. And when they were visiting, and she goes, let me tell you the story. Some guy came in and sent me flowers.

But he kept going in there for haircuts after that. Do you understand me? And eventually, he caught her when me and her weren't doing too good and then she came to me she goes we're going to separate I'm gonna move in with my parents and that weekend I couldn't get a hold of her and she told me she went away you know what the fuck did you go would you go away with so now today I believed it now today after separating myself from the emotion I was like

that's where she went all right and then you know she we fucking broke up October 15 she moved in before Christmas no she wasn't fucking She was just living on the couch. What are you fucking retarded? So that's the way life is. That's the way life goes. Bitches. TikTok.

TikTok, what comes around goes around, motherfuckers. That's right. That's right. You know, listen, I got a friend of mine, another dude who, this guy is a player, bro. I mean, player. Handsome guy, man, a fireman, you know. And this guy had pussy everywhere, bro. This guy had, like, just everywhere he went.

You know, good-looking guy. you know anyways uh buses old lady fucking somebody right and this guy goes nuts man he busted you know with one with one dick he's had like a thousand pussies and he buses and he buses one dick and he goes nuts and uh literally uh how to get therapy and all that and then everybody's like fuck's wrong with you man you know you're like you're like the washington generals man you know the you lost one you know you know Harlem glowtratters a thousand, you know, you got to give the Washington General's one.

His ego, bro, his ego got in the way. He couldn't fucking believe somebody would do with him. But what comes around goes around, bro, women know when we cheat on them. Women know. They're not stupid. They're not fucking stupid at all. And you got to be, you know, the other day,

Lee and I were talking about a subject real fucked up, like, we were talking about a friend of mine that was older, and he was telling me a once that for four years he just paid this chick's rent and he'd go there whenever he wanted to and just fuck her once a week he didn't care if she had a relationship right and then I started hearing it more and more and more you know right well he his head blew up

because I was 30 when I heard about it like I had never heard about something like that I knew people giving you money for a piece of pussy but I never heard about guys just paying your bills making your car payment paying your rent and giving you a thousand bucks a month but listen here's the deal when I call you 10 minutes later I'm showing up and you're swallowing dick you're taking in the ass I'm lighting you on fire there's no questions you know I'm saying I'm fucking you without a condom I don't give a fuck if you got a boyfriend or not I'm sticking my big yonka and your little monkey you know I was blown away Willie I was

blown away they got websites They got websites where just dudes will take care of you. You know, sugar daddy.com. Go, Willie, let's see it. Let's print that up here. I want to see Sugar Daddy. I know they have Cougar. I don't see if they have.

That was something. The first time I heard that, Willie, like the first time I heard that, I was 30, I had already thought I had heard everything. First time I heard that, I could not fucking believe it. And then I started thinking about it over the years and I go, oh, I get it now. It's as fucking Discreet as can be And the chicks who do it

I guess do it all the time They got a couple fucking sugar daddies Yeah They just keep getting cars and shit This is crazy I never Especially in LA man A lot of them come here

They're good looking They used to be a comedian at the store They used to be a comedian at the store Lee that he bought in fake tits She had a convertible Mercedes A yellow one He had her in a penthouse when I used to go to acting class

there was a black girl that lived right next to Shaq what the fuck does it say there so the number one side is sugar daddymeat.com I hope you ladies have your pens out it's the best choice if you're looking for a sugar dad

or sugar baby you love in a relationship Jesus Christ told you bro there's also a millionaire match.com to be a good mom seeking an arrangement so good daddy for me.com so this shit's legal so good daddy yeah and these cats man they're like you know they they make money they don't have time to go romance anybody and and and it's like

you said you know they're there for when you need them and then then get lost you know I wonder what it would cost you to sign up and shit just to fuck with a bunch of chicks. I got like $10 million. They probably had a good wedding process. You could probably get on. Now, what's the sugar baby? That's the girl. I am what?

Let's see. You're a sugar daddy. CKA. Sugar baby. No, don't be putting my birthday in that guy's sick. I don't, yeah, I'm not going to do that. But now you've got to give them an email. Oh, yeah.

You're fucked, yeah. Don't worry about it. No, I just want to see what they would, how much you got to pay these fucking animals. Oh, my God. 828,000. Wealthy sugar daddies. 106 beautiful sugar babies. Yeah, 600,000.

You bet your ass. There's a lot more giving than getting. Wealthy sugar daddies and young, beautiful sugar. What the fuck? Perhaps, no, and they're only perhaps taking care of you financially. That's how they get away with it. Perhaps. Certified Daddy's first date gift.

They got engaged? What the fuck? Man, just get a hooker, bro. You can meet Sugar Daddy's in Van Nuys right now. Go over that, Lee. See who shows up? Little chubby dude with a wig and shit. Holt into club in Kansas City.

I can't believe it, bro. You didn't know the dude in Kansas City had a wig. No, bro. We were talking about that. The guy who owns a comedy club. That's not a... I still can't believe it too weird. It's a skunk, bro.

It never died. And when he does coke, you can hear it. Crinkling up. The glue fucking fucks up from the sweat. There's two dudes I knew like that. The dude from ICM? Yeah. He was married to the comedian check.

She disappeared. Remember anybody from ICM, she always opened him before. He's got a wig, and so does fucking... What's his name? Oh, man. I forget the dude's name. You should start a new blog, Joey. What?

The wigs of Hollywood. No, I don't give a fuck. Pretty soon I'm going to have a wig, a little tope. No, you're not. Sure. I'm thinking to shave it off and just get the tube to fuck with people's head, dog. Hey. Somebody just told me that that guy, the...

GM from the Dodgers has a wig. I don't know. Caleta. Kalita, Kaleta? You have known that? Somebody goes, I couldn't tell. And I go to my ass, I go, how do you know? He goes, dude, I'm bald.

I know wigs. Because I know that's a wig. Bald guys know. That's cheating. My God. I don't know there was a fucking website for that. But it makes sense. People just, now, what's the other one that they gave away the phone numbers?

Ashley Madison. Now, what's that? that's for just anyone who wants to cheat. I'm sure they have that under it, but that's for anyone who wants to have an affair. That's their big thing. And you meet them online. Yeah, which doesn't make sense at all to me.

No, it doesn't make sense to me. That's why I didn't know. I didn't fucking... I mean, I've never cheated, but just whenever I see these athletes coming out and they have these huge long text things, with girls. I'm like, how you can't at all,

we'll talk your way out of that. Like at all, you can't, so like, I don't like, like, no, when they, there's a thing now talking in DMs, I don't, I don't DM with any girls. Like, I don't say hi to, direct messaging. On Twitter? On anything, Twitter, Facebook.

So they follow you on there? Like, anyone, yeah, any girls, anyone who follows, you can DM you, but it's just like. So you don't answer them because you know that leads to something? While A, there's like 97% male listening to this. But, well, not that high. But no, I mean, I answer some of them, but I don't, like, I don't flirt at all. Like, it's just, I don't want, I don't want any sort of weirdness.

I don't want any. Why don't you just go shoot yourself? You're 28 fucking years old, and you don't want no type of weirdness. You want to sit in the house every night and watch parks and wreck and fucking, that's what you want to do. Die in there five nights a week. Thank God. I get you out of here fucking, you know, thank God I get you out of the house two nights and you go down there one night to play cards.

If not, you'd melt into that fucking couch. Well, no, I mean, if I was single, it would be different, but, like, I don't, I don't. What are you scared of living a little bit? I don't want, well, no. You got to live a little bit. What the fuck? She wants to meet you. Say hello, Lee.

Maybe she'll send you a picture that little monkey. First of all, it's not like I'm getting hit up. Like, let me, let me suck your dick. No, no, but if a girl hit you up, you got to hit them back and say, what the fuck's going. And you're single? You're single? No, he got himself into a fucking predicament. He moves her in.

28. Now he's over there every night, sitting on the couch, sniffing his own feet and shit. Eating blue apron at night, fucking, you know. You don't even see him no more. Is your first serious girlfriend, Lee? Yeah, pretty serious. Well, like the first pretty serious one, yeah. The first one I've lived with.

You got to live a little bit. Let them send your picture that pussy. You can whack off on your wife's the shower and do different things, you know what I'm saying? If you're going to be a monk already at 28, can you imagine your 40, you're going to be dead? I'm not going to be a month, but I don't want, like, I don't want, like, my biggest fear is to, like, have to worry about where I left my cell phone.

It's bull. Like, that. Don't know what's the wrong with that? Because I don't want to have to think about that. Oh, like, sometimes, what if someone's, uh, what if she's looking at the directions and then I get a text with a pussy picture? I don't want that. Why is she looking at the direction?

Don't she have her own fucking phone? Who cares? It's a phone. Man, you know what? I'm telling you, bro, cheating today, you've got to be slick, man. In our days, you just, you got a number, you got a napkin, tore it up, threw it away. Now there's too much, you know, there's, you know what I mean. It's a trail.

It's a trail. Too much pepper trail, bro. There's a trail for no week. But we didn't have that. We didn't have that back in the day. No reason. No reason. There's two girls came out to me in Baltimore, and they have a podcast, dickpicks or something,

because they both got sick and tired of all the pictures. dicks they got let me tell you something I can live to be a thousand I won't send you a picture my dick let I'll show you my nutsack all day long I'll put it on album covers I'll do the whole fucking thing but there's no way I would send you a picture my cock and not at this age it's just embarrassing it's just fucking embarrassing to me was that a thing before digital cameras would like when you were young did you have like a picture you know with a Polaroids with a Polaroid with a Polaroid you took a picture your dick and put a thumbtack on her door and shit

and fucking rang the bell and ran like a motherfucker. You know, though, you know how hard it was? Like, I had friends that used to have Polaroids all the time. I thought they were fucking disgusting. First off, the photography, it wasn't HD. In those days, like, this red brick would have shined on the pussy. Oh, my God.

I had a friend that every time I went to his house, he showed me fucking pictures of the chicks. He was fucking with Polaroids. Puerto Rican Nelson, too. He always had all the pictures of chicks He was fucking with Polaroids I always thought that was the most disgusting Fucking thing ever

And you go to the house And they'd have a stack of pictures In those days of all the women They'd fuck with Polaroids Like who would let you take a fucking picture of him I'll let you take a picture of my dick But I'm leaving with that picture And I'm taking the fucking film in the camera

And what if you're not at your house Like that? Are they walking around with the Polaroid camera Would people walk around with that? No everybody had them in their house In those days That was for the quick pick. That was for the quick pick of the snatch or the patois, whatever, you were a pig. But I'm telling you, it was, oh, people would always show up a fuck.

That's the way people would have pictures on their phones that have pulled over with the jacket pocket. Come here. Let me show you what happened Thursday night. How long when you carry the same pictures around for? Years. These guys were fucking perverts, Doug. You know, I have a buddy that this guy, he's been caught a few times. and check this.

So he didn't want, he's, his wife told him, look, I'm not playing any games with you. This chick would sniff his underwear. His wife would sniff him to see if he's been fucking around, right?

And he was fucking around this one night. You know what this dude did, bro? So his chick wouldn't sniff his underwear? He crapped his pants, man. He shitted on himself. So he ran home and his,

and then he told his wife, like, can you believe I? crap myself and she was laughing at him and he goes bro she laughed her ass off but she never smelled my underwear that night I gotta tell you bro let me ask you that's one of the coolest moves I've never heard in my life at one point

do you look at your relationship you know what man this chick is sniffing my underwear when I come home right this is to the point of my life where I'm living where at night when I'm on the fucking sleeping when I'm on the bed sleeping She tiptoes up and there's my fucking underwear. That's a bad fucking relationship right there. Yeah. That's bad, man.

Fucking hilarious. You got to admit, man. Yeah. You know, that was creative. Oh, my God. Do you think there's still, just going back to the Polaroids, do you think there's a one guy from that era who still has some Polaroids? Thousands.

There's an old guy somewhere with fucking boxes of naked women, bro. Boxes of naked women. Oh, my God. that they don't even know they have. With hairy-ass pussies, bro. My roommate in Boulder was a Polaroid guy. He had stacks of them going back to the fucking 70s, to the mid-70s.

Like fucking college and shit. Lee, you've seen the Playboys from the 70s, right? Yeah. They're hairier than your face, bro. Back then there was no trimming pussy. We've never even heard of trimming, remember? I mean, I never heard of that. And then in the 70s and not even the 80s.

Well, I didn't see a pussy until the 80s. At that point, they were still hairy and tropical and nobody Brazilian waxed. Nobody was ill, nothing. In the summertime, they would shave. Like, I knew a couple girls that were young and that I would go swimming with them and they didn't even know they had to shave like the sides of the legs.

Yeah. They would still have. I would go crazy. And there was no thongs, bro. Yeah. There was no thongs, no g-strings. When I was a kid, if you had bush sticking out of your bikini, my head would blow up,

I would just come in my bathing suit. It was sexy. It was sexy, dog. And you'd see it leave all the time. You go to the beach, and you'd just stay in the shallow water and wait for the fucking waves to hit girls, and they'd stand up,

and their fucking thing, it looked like a little afro will come out of the sides. They had tons of hair. Where did it switch up to, to trimming it, to shaving it, to waxing it.

You know, whatever. I trim my nuts now. I got sick and tired of scratching, the hair gets dry, and they get itchy, and so I had to start fucking trimming it. Do you have like a design that you like? No, yeah, I put like a diamond. Nothing. I hold on to my dick, and I tell my wife to shave around it with the electric shaver, and she

trims it all down nice, and I put powder on it. You should be a Jewish star or something. No, I ain't got time for that. Well, you know, why would I do something like that? I'm 54 years old. Have some fun with your life. What else do you get some giggles? Because I've already had plenty of giggles, Lee.

It's not me. I'm worried about it. You're you cuck. You're 28. I wasn't even sleeping at night. It was like an upside-down fucking vampire. You're 20. They call you at 7 o'clock and we're,

we're cooking. We're having a good time. What fucking good time you're 20-8 in the house. Go on a chat, chip blind and see what 28-year-olds are doing right now. They're not at home watching

fucking season 8 of Parks and Rec for the 80th time. You know? Yeah, I'm having a good time, aren't you? Yeah. Let's talk. Okay. What are you going to talk about?

I don't know there's a lot of 28-year-old on chat lines anymore. I feel like... You feel like what? I don't know. I feel like in 2000. What, 2000? Because I tell you, you're an amateur. You're trying to lie and say...

Oh, my God. But you ate 2,000 on camera. At least I look at my paris. I don't know. There's not 2,000. I saw you double up. You ate 1,000. How dare you?

I saw you double up. I didn't. Yes, you did. This is why you get so fucked up tonight. I'm not fucked up. I called you sadly when you ate 2000. You weren't fucked up. And look at you now.

2000. He's in training. You know, I just recently started smoking weed. Like within the last month and a half. What made you smoke weed? Okay. I'm traveling on the road with these young comedians. And believe it or not, man, they're worried about my health.

Because, you know, I love to drink tequila, bro. I don't fuck around. There's a guy that'll take a shot, two shots. I can take eight, nine shots, bro, and I'm, you know, I'm smooth. But they're like, man, Willie, you know, if you want to live longer. And I know it, man, you know. You know, I know that weeds more conducive to your body and all that. But the thing is that I'm, that's not something that I was, you know what?

I blame my uncles, man. I was raised with these uncles when I was a kid and they would play cards, you know? And they would, and I was like eight, nine years old and I would go get beer and they play poker, you know, and they would always tell me like, you know, uh, never fuma in marijuana. I don't say marijuana. And then, you know, then they drink a beer, you know, or give me a sip of beer. So I always thought that marijuana was for like, like, it was like crack.

See, they had, they had programming to think that marijuana was crack, man. And, and obviously, we get older, we realize, you know, a lot of my uncles are dead. I mean, more than half of them are dead because of alcohol. So anyway, so these kids, right, these young communities, medians I go on the road with, man. They're like, hey, Willie, you got to, and they all take, I don't know how they do it, but they get weed everywhere we go, every city, illegal cities, cities, you're not supposed to have weed, you go to jail for 20 years.

They'll get it. We get it. We get it. They gave me, I was telling you, man, they gave me my first edible. You said 2,000 milligrams? Right. Yeah. No one takes that amount.

Man, I took 150 and I couldn't. That's a lot for your first time. Yeah, that's a lot for you. I couldn't move my arms. and the weird thing is I don't know why this happened I don't know what part of the subconscious this comes from it doesn't happen never it's never happened when I've been drunk but I couldn't move and I started thinking that the kid was going to rape me

I don't know why I don't know where that comes from you know I mean I'm sure that Did you pass out how long did it? No I didn't okay I did pass out after a while man After after like you know an hour into it because they gave me an edible and then they also gave me which I'm learning. I mean, I know you guys are pros, but I'm learning, I feel like a fucking baby here. The hybrid, hybrid weed, yeah.

And then, so I had them explain to me what it was. And then it's basically like two different, you get this type of weed, that type of weed. They fuck each other. And then they have like different type of like weed babies, right? Right. So they were giving me that.

And anyways, bro, yeah, I got, you know, and then I can't sleep. I have trouble sleeping. There's another reason they recommended this. No, this is the best if you can't. There's nothing better than this. Yeah, so they... There's melatonin after three days, it wears out.

But with Rifa, you could smoke one night, take a piece of something one night, smoke one night, take a piece of something one night. The other night smoked something different. Yeah. So your body never can become... You have to trick your body. Just like working out. Trick your body. Trick your body.

It's the truth. Right, right. You know, the reason why Lee eats 2,000 milligrams of stars is because we've been eating them for a year and a half. I can eat 2,000 milligrams and three hours later, nothing happens to me. This is why I gave them up for length because I wanted my body

to take a break from them. If we start, tomorrow, I can go to a store and by now there's got to be a new edible that's 500 milligrams. Me and we'll bring that here, eat it, and we'll get us more fucked up than the 2,000 milligrams we ate tonight because our body's not used to that one.

We'll get fucking anxiety. We won't be able to breathe. Your body builds up a tolerance? A tolerance, yeah. You build up a fucking tolerance, man. Right. You know, and people always say, how do you smoke the way you do? Because in 1983, I was smoking out of a three-foot bun in Colorado in the altitude.

Oh, right, right, right. So that made my lung stretch. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. My lungs are damaged. I'm not proud of this. You know, I'm not proud of this. But they're not damaged, like, if you would have smoked a cigarette.

I smoke for 10 years. So I have the beginning. the beginnings of that shit, where your lungs reach for air. Right, right. That disease where if I would have kept smoking the way I would have had an arifah, I would have killed them.

It's really hard to repair the lungs. You could stop smoking. It's like the liver. But it takes time. Take a certain vitamin, supposedly I read. I don't even know if the vitamin is true. How did, a good friend of ours just died from alcohol. Just two weeks ago,

44 years old, bro. I don't know, man. I always say, Joey, like, the only thing my father ever left me was a good liver, man. I believe that that's the only reason. How old were you when you started drinking? Oh, man, I don't know, 18, 19? Do you give it breaks? No.

You go every night or just one on the road? Just on the road. It's on the road, yeah, man. But, you know, my dad used to drink a cologne, bro. Like when my mom would hide the alcohol He would drink the cologne And when she When he couldn't find the cologne

He would drink the rubbing alcohol You know So I feel That that that's the gift he gave me He gave me a good fucking liver bro It's like my mom you know what I mean It's like he had You know what I mean

He gave me something bro I don't understand Your uncles that died What diseases did they die from Most of them are alcoholism. And, you know, and they go little by little. They don't just go. You know, it's the diabetes.

And then, you know, they lose a foot and then their leg. And then their eyesight. And even when they get the diabetes, they keep drinking. Yeah, I remember I had an uncle, man, that they, they, and it was one of my favorite uncles, man. And I, this is a good dude. But I remember, by the way, this guy was a player, bro. My uncle was, I remember in the 70s, man. I'm going to tell you something.

In the 70s, he used to take me with him. And I used to wait in the car. You know, I was supposed to be out doing things with him. But he would take me and I was sit in the car. I remember the hot summer fucking days, man, while he'd go and bang some broad, right? And then he'd get back in the car and then go, hey, you know, just tell him we saw Chinese connection, you know,

that kind of shit. But he would never take me to the movies or wherever I was supposed to go. But this guy was a player. He wore that big, that, that leather jacket. Remember they would wear them even in the summer? The long ones, yeah. Yeah, even in the summer.

And he had the long, the long Freddie Fender hair, you know, back in the same. Those are my uncles, man. Those type of cats. So check this out, man. And my aunt would be mad as fuck. I remember she would get mad at him because he wouldn't come home. And, bro, as my uncle got old, you know, he lost a leg and then and and but he wouldn't stop drinking and then and then he would watch

television but he had to be two inches away from it I remember one time um I came home I came I went to go visit him and he was screaming man he was going hey he's he I could hear somebody screaming from the backyard hey right and I go what the hell so I go I go to the backyard and as my uncle in his wheelchair he's up against the ivy up against and I and I go what What's going on? He goes, that's your aunt. She fucking put me here. Right?

I'm like, what the fuck? So I get them out, put them in the house. And I tell my aunt, hey, you know, my uncle was in the bushes. He goes, yeah, fuck him. You know, because like, now she got even. You know, 20, 35 years later, she's now like, fuck you. I'm the boss. Yeah, man.

So I got, you know, I got feeling that. That's going to be me, bro. Yeah, I can't. I've always been, like, I had a friend growing up that. When he was like 20, they told him to stop drinking. Guess what? He's still drinking. He's still alive, bro.

So, where's Tony Bennett, cuck, sucker? Oh, shit. Tanya, we, get it together. You better read that fucking book again, the War of Art. You're slipping and shit. I'll read again. 2,000 milligrams on set, trying to pull back. You think he did it?

You think it was anything? Oh, I'm taped yet. They was a lot. He did something. I did not do something. He edits the tape. He does like what they did. You know, Ocean's 11.

Remember that movie Ocean's 11? Yeah, yeah. With Andy Garcia, how they turned down the film and then they robbed the joint. Yeah, yeah. He does the same thing. Because when I call him that night, after the 2,000 milligrams, he wasn't high at all. Tonight he eats 2,000. He's half-moed up the whole fucking deal.

Look at him. He thinks he's slick. Yeah, he does that trick that drinkers do. That guys that can't. What they do is they drop their, they drop the show. shot. Yeah. He thinks he dropped it.

So he puts in his mouth and drops it on his hand. And he only puts it ten times. He needs five stars. I watched him. You did one of these, D-A-Daily. You took the stuff. No, I did not. And you dropped it into your hand, and you may believe you're swallowed.

So what are you going to do now? You got the weekend this weekend that... I'm at the ice house. At the ice house, brother. But Saturday night, you're taping a special. And you were saying that you're going to produce it 100% yourself. That's it. You're not fucking around.

Who's shooting it? Yeah, a young film filmmaker named Michael Martinez, his kid graduated from UCLA Film School. And sharp, man. This guy just knows, you know, knows his deal, man. And I'm just doing it all, man. You know, everything, six cameras? Six cameras. Yeah, man.

And we got the 4K, you know, really, really sharp cameras. And I want to own my own project, Joe, you know, this is my Ford Special. and man, you know, I see nickels and dimes from my other specials. And I want to be able to say I own a property. Like I own this and I want to make a deal. And I know that people have said, yeah, there's some cats that have done their own project, but nobody's bottom. I've heard that. But I know how much work I put into my stand-up, bro.

No, you could sell you. My stand-up, bro. You know, and every time I get deeper and deeper, as I get older and wiser, I'm able to, to talk more in depth about, about, you know, shit that bothered me in my life. So I guess for me, I know the comedy's little richards. You know, if you look at the joke I did, if you look at my jokes from, like, early tonight shows,

they're more jokey jokes. And you can see the, you can almost see the, like, my jokes growing as, like, like, babies, you know? They went from, like, like, barely crawling to walking. You know what I mean? Yeah, that kind of thing. So now I'm excited about this special, man. I get a little deeper about a lot of things, you know, race.

I get a little deeper about how I feel about religion, you know, a little deeper about, you know, being with my wife 24 years and being more honest about the shit that we go through. So, yeah, man, it's, like I said, I'm excited. And the last time I did a show at the Ice House, I wasn't filming, but I was here with you, bro. And, man, a lot of your fans came out and they showed love. And they said, because you, you know, man, you know, it says something when you say something, bro.

Is that kind of, you're like, you're like that commercial E. of Hutton, bro. E of Hotton. Listen, I'm not going to put a comic in on the show. I get hit up by a lot of people, man. I've made mistakes with comics and put them on here. Maybe not. But I want people to open their eyes to the guys I put out here.

I think, and I don't know why the reason. I know your reason. I know your reason, because you've been here with me since the day one. And you keep going, and you keep going. Nothing bothers you. Boom, you've had the best managers and you had the worst managers. Right. You've had the best agents, and you've had the worst agents, just like me.

Right, right, right. This is a fucking journey. That's, and by now, most of the people, people got off the journey like I wake up every morning I'm like how fortunate am I that there was people who came to this town got half million dollar deals right we're going to be stars they would walk into the store with this attitude with this cavalier fucking attitude the deal didn't work out and they fizzled the way because they were never really stand-ups to start off with yeah well a lot of them that stand up for just for the deal just for the deal yeah yeah

yeah they didn't do it for the love and you know what it really like you you see through it. It hurts your feelings when a guy disappears and what happened, you know. Right. So to see real comments that go through the bad times,

the good times, the medium times, and I went through all of them. Right. I've been through all of them. The bad, you know, the other morning I woke up and somebody had asked me

if I did black rooms. No, I'm not racist. I'm not like that. Right, right, right. But I can't work for a black promoter because you know what happens. Sometimes you don't get paid. Do you remember the time?

I ran out on the fucking. DJ and they were waking us up in the middle of the night. Oh no, he ran on the radio station. The radio station woke me up at 4 and 1. Have you seen him? I forget what the guy's name was. He says he was the tour manager of Earth, and he would book me and a bunch of other morons and bring a castle made of rubber and call us the Latin Kings or the Latin something else of comedy.

And there was always a discrepancy. Every fucking night after the show. Or they say this. This is the first. famous line because I heard this probably 50 times. Look, man, work with me, brother. Yeah, work with me. Let me haul at you.

The ticket sales weren't good. That motherfucker was not. Yeah, but I had to go away 400 tickets at the radio promotion. And you're sitting there going, Jesus fucking Christ. And you know, this isn't a racist statement. This is another, I don't want people to take

this as a racist statement. There's a lot of, I used to work at Beaumont, Texas. Yeah, white guys, Latinos, they evolve. Fuck me, bro. Oh, yeah. No, I've been fucked

them every National. But the funniest ones have been black people. Except there was a black young couple. They were engineers.

And I don't know if you remember. They owned the first comedy club in Beaumont. This is 20 years ago. The first time I worked that I featured for Ralphie, somebody had fell out

during the week and I had a feature for Ralphie. And they were a great black couple. They were great people. They put you at a great hotel. They brought food in on Saturday night. But I started out of a black couple. Club in Denver. Yeah. I started a black club here. Yeah. Which one? I started the

comedy act theater. What's the guy's name? Michael Williams. Michael and Sharon Williams. They were brother and sister. But what was the name of the guy that used to do the comedy show there from Do the Right Thing? Sweet Dick Willie. Bebe's kids. Oh, oh, oh, Robin Williams. No. Something. Robin Harris. Robin Harris. Robin Harris. Robin Harris, man. Because yeah, yeah, because when Robb... I got there, when Robin Harris died, like he had died a couple of months. And then D. Al Higli took it over. You know?

Wow. And then, man, bro, back in those days, I used to give Chris Tucker a ride to the Comedy Act Theater. He lived in an apartment up here near a couple of miles up north from where we're at right now. Really? Chris Tucker. Yeah.

Check this out, bro. You know, when I used to pick him up, he had a, went in his apartment. All he had was a bed, but a bed on the floor, all right? and he had a milk crate and on top of the milk crate he had a fucked up TV but on top of the TV he had a picture of himself

like just like just a picture of himself with his two fingers pointing out and I remember asking Chris I go Chris why do you have a picture yourself like I didn't get it and he says you know why

because I'm beautiful man I'm great he would tell me how great he was and at this time you got to understand he only had five minutes of material bro but as I got older and and you read and I understood now wow man you see the reason you can't have other people like love you like actually believe in who you are until you love who you are and and that's and I didn't know that I don't even think Chris knew what he was doing but he was just you know it was just natural for him to uh to just say man I'm beautiful man you know you talk back in the day

This was pre-Friday. Oh, he's pre-Friday. Oh, yeah. No shit. Yeah, bro, I used to take him to McDonald's. He would call me up. He didn't have a car. Most time he didn't have money.

And I would take him to McDonald's. And buy him a burger, man. You know? Back in the day. Back in those days, who was a guy Torrey, you know, Joe Torrey, Pierre. Came on that movie with Hallie Barry. Man, who's awesome? All those cats, man.

What's up, Lee? I'm doing okay. Is that you're saying? Trying to tell me $2,000 on Saturday. What I did? You didn't look like that on Saturday. Why is that? You didn't see me on Saturday.

Put your words together, bro. I called you on Saturday. I could tell you weren't this fucking eye. Trying to con me and the American public and tell them this you're doing $2,000 when you're doing $1,000. See what I'm saying? I would never do that to any public. Those seem like great fucking days.

I remember one night at that club by the car dealership, you were telling me about picking him up in the valley. I'm like, Jesus of fucking Christ. And how he got, somebody was telling me how he got Friday, right? They saw him at the store or something like that. Yeah, yeah. The big thing was from the, he did Def Jam. Def Jam really blew him up.

He did five minutes on Def Jam, and that was it, man. Just shot. You know, I remember back. I remember, I remember. his joke from back in those days. One of Chris Tucker's early jokes is like, hey man,

if anybody ever robbed me, he'd just be practicing. That was this big joke back in the day, man. But yeah, man, he's a, he was a good dude. And when I see him, man,

he's, you know, what I like about Chris, he's still, still a cool, solid dudes. You know, he's always had his feet on the ground. Because we know,

bro, you know, you know, you know, Joey. We've been around with guys, you know, like you said right now, there are guys that fizzled, right? But we also know cats that went to the moon that aren't the same fucking guys. No, no, no, no. And you're like, hey, motherfucker, I remember you?

No, no. I remember fucking, you know. Nothing bothers you more than that. Yeah. You see somebody. Like, there's people who are your acquaintances that blow up. That's one thing. Yeah.

That's one thing. When they're your acquaintance, hey, man, then you see them and you're actually happy for them. They never did none to you. But then there's people that you kind of knew, that you partook with, you know, at one time. Maybe one day you went to his house for Christmas and your house.

And there's one day you see him and they just say no. Yeah. Like, that's it. Like, I'm a different person now. I really don't want it. And you're like, okay. Right. That's a really fucked up real, man.

And I've heard it's happened to a lot of people, like, even in the acting community. Right. Like, even in the acting community, they all went to acting class together that in one day. People actually have that conversation. They actually say,

I don't want to be your friend anymore? No, but like I heard a great, like I knew a guy. And I had done a couple of projects from him. He's an Italian guy. And he had some great credit to this guy. But when I met him, I could tell there was something not right. He was a little too goofy. And then he signed me up for something one day,

and it wasn't what he said happened. I was embarrassed and shit. And I could tell by his choices that it was just fucked up. But one day he was telling me he showed me something. I had to go rehearse with him or something. And I had to pick him up. And he goes, come in for a second. And when I was walking out, there was a picture of him.

Like, bro, Nick Noltey, some other dude, James Gandafini. Right, right, right, right. Like, there was just like eight actors and a bunch of girls at like a lakeside bar. And I go, what's this? Holy shit. that's like fucking Gandafini and like fucking whatever and he goes let me tell you a story

he goes before Gandhifini got the movie with Denzel on the boat with Gene Hackman he goes we were great friends he goes in those days what you would do is you would audition

all week and then on Saturdays you went to Marina del Rey that's what this place was and it snore coke all weekend and you drink and bang chicks and whatever and he goes bro for fucking two or three years. I mean, he goes from that movie to this movie.

I don't know what movies exactly. Right, right, right. He goes, Gandafini hung out down. He goes, and that I have to get shorty, something happened. He moved to the valley or something really fucking weird. I don't know the whole story. But I've heard a lot of weird stories.

Right, yeah. Like, I know a guy right now that I still see him once a month at the coffee shop. This guy was a big-time agent. Gay as fuck. Good guy, good guy. And he tells me that he's good friends with somebody who had a child with Gandefini off the record. Like, she never, you know.

But this is, oh boy, you know, you don't know who the fuck to believe. But this dude, I've heard the story about this dude to be true. And he's dead now. But he was showing me these pictures. And he goes, let me tell you the funny thing. This went on for like two, maybe three years. You know, we'd get together and we'd snort all these guys. Nick Nolte.

He goes, they would just come to this bar And then we'd go to a house And we party all weekend long And he goes, I still remember That Gandafini stopped coming around But he calls, he goes after the Sopranos First season, he goes, I'm a big mob type The guy was a big mafia worker

He goes, I actually called him. I still had his number and he goes, And he answered. And I go, Jimmy, this is, da-da-da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. How you're doing? I want to congratulate you on your success And he goes, yeah, yeah. And he goes, listen, the reason why I called is because maybe there's a role for me on the soprano.

And he goes, listen, I'm going to be honest with you. That stuff we were doing that was a long time ago. Oh. You know, I really, you know. But, you know, he made the feed look like a bad guy, like one of those Hollywood actors. You know what I'm saying? And I remember I did a movie with the dude that was Junior's bodyguard, season one. and he was friends with Gandhifini

and I did a move with him and I told him that story and he goes, bro, he goes, I know exactly who that guy is. He goes, that guy was a fucking pain he ass. You know, like he was just one of those guys that was a hanger on. See, there's a story to everything. You know, people I had spoken to always say Gandafini helped everybody.

You know, he was just a great guy. He fought for people. He gave the money on the set. That times they gave him a raise. He gave everybody a raise. So when he told me the story, I was like, I don't know, guy. This don't sound like this guy. And that this guy from the soprano's confirmed.

He goes, bro, I know that dude, too. Because I party with that fucking dude, too. He goes, he didn't stop bothering Ganderfini. He goes, he called him from the minute he heard he shot a pilot from the mafia. He started calling, blowing up his fucking phone. And I guess one day Jimmy finally answered the phone and said, don't call no more, bro. Right. You know.

Well, you know, listen, I'll tell you a good story to this, right? When we're talking about Katz with that vibe, you know Emilio, right? Emilio Rivetta? Yeah, yeah. He was on the Sons of Enarctic. You know, he's, I knew him from back in the day, you know. Show did I. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now there, he's the lead on the new. Mayans. The Mayans. And he's just down to earth, man. I invited him to the, to the special this weekend. And he's just down to earth, man. He goes, will you, man? I'm, dude, I'm a big fan.

support you I'm there. You know what I mean? You can tell it's just the same. It's the same Emilio from when we used to do that room in East L.A., you know, tortillas and while I'm on the podcast three times. Oh, you've had Emilio? Oh, my God. He's one of my favorites of all time, bro.

He's the real deal. A lot of people don't know. He's the real. A lot of people don't know. He's the real deal when it comes to a tough guy, bro. You know, man, he's got a fucking great story. He's another guy that's smoking crack. Yeah, yeah.

Because he did my podcast with Felicia. And that time he opened up about the crack and the fucking living in the car. But that's interesting. He is one of those guys because I still remember doing sets with him at the Ice House. Yeah. And this was way before he was hitting. He had a, way before the movie with Tom Cruise. This was way before that shit.

He did that movie with Beniso del Toro. Yeah, traffic. Traffic. This was before traffic. Like I've known him. You know, you always saw him at auditions and he gave you love and shit. and shit. Yeah,

listen, this is a weird fucking place. So, okay, yesterday morning, I have this thing. I get to an airport

and let's say my L.A. gate is gate 60. I'll go to gate 55 and play guess who's from L.A. I could be in any fucking town

in this country. Name a fucking town and I could sit there and pick the people that are going to be on that plane. Now, let me be honest with you guys.

I'm 50% wrong most of the time. But the other 50% I'm flat on because the only people who fly in mini skirts with heels is people from L.A. The only women who would wear yoga pants with those high boots and their hair and women from L.A. The only guys who would wear shoes with no socks and you could see their feet are guys from L.A.

The only people who would get on a plane and fucking wear shorts and flip-flops are people from L.A. You know, it's just a filthiness. It's a dirty, it's a different animal. They're either very, there's a word that people call it. They're very, they expect everything. They have an air of entitlement.

Like, I came home to Columbus, or I came home to Baltimore, or I came home to Cincinnati. But I'm a big shot in L.A. And now I'm a big shot here in my hometown. But those towns don't give a fuck. Like some of those towns, you know, the circle that you're going, grew up with and your little friends at Starbucks, but most of the people are like,

I'm out here banging, shoveling snow. I don't give a fuck if you're a rider on a show or anything like that. So I get to the airport. I get out of the car. I tip the driver. I turn around. I'm walking into the airport, and I stop.

And I take two hits off the vapor pen. I already smoked a joint. I drank a protein shake on the way of the airport. And I hear the gates open up. You know, the doors, like when you step in front of them. And I see this fucking dude. walk with his little fucking faggy shoes on and his little shirt on, a little tighter than usual.

I'm not saying he's gay. He wasn't gay at all. And he had two bags, okay? I just see him and I say to myself, look at this fucking L.A. punk. Just in my head. Right. So I walk in the airport, boom, I see Alaska Airlines. I got upgraded to first class.

I go right to first class. I'm the first one online. Now the other line, the other line had like six people there. that were waiting to get online. I'm getting ready. The guy turns around, he leaves. It's my turn to go up. And all of a sudden, this dude with the two bags

walks in front of me, Willie. You're number one. And you got number one, right? I mean, your ticket is number one. No, no. I'm the guy checking in. I'm checking into my flight. Right.

He walks right in front of me. Now I'm sitting there for fucking, for 30 seconds, going, what the fuck just happened? What the fuck just happened? Right. And something inside of me. I already had my license out, and he was looking for his.

And as he was looking for his over here, I stepped right here, Willie. I put my elbow here, and I gave the ticket to the guy. And he goes, what's going on? I go, I was next. And the guy turns on. He goes, no, you were behind me. I go, I was next, dog. Don't even go there.

I was next, all right? But when I went in with my elbow, he says, I kind of hit him in the neck. I didn't hit him in the fucking neck. I just said, you ain't getting in there. He was over here like this, looking over here to his right-hand side. You know, it's true. You know, hold on one second. You have, you have time.

You have nothing better to do than stand there while I look for my fucking license, which should be the fuck out already. You know what I'm saying? You're flying. Right. It should be out already. So I cut right in front of my go, this is, the guy goes, you're after me. I go, not right now, dog.

I've been standing on that fucking line for the last two minutes. You're not just going to fucking walk here. And the dude goes, where I know all some TSA was right there. And the dude walks over and he goes, what happened? And he goes, this man, and the guy goes, I didn't assault him. Did I know? He tried to cut me off and I came in here. I was the next one online.

And I go, number one. Do you have a first class ticket? He goes, no. You see what I'm saying? So he starts to make this big thing, that harassment. I didn't harass nobody. Yeah, he was one of those fucking L.A. dudes. Harassment.

And, you know, I should contact my attorney. Contact your fucking attorney. But I'm getting on the fucking plane, bitch. So I get on the fucking plane. I don't see him. I see Dionne Cole. I see Rob Schneider. I'm talking to them.

They're all on the same flight. I get on my fucking seat. I sit down and he's like fucking three people to the end. And I stick my foot out just in case he's going to get stupid with me so I could kick him directly in the heel and push myself off of my right and throw him against the wall. And he makes eye contact with me like, you fuck type eye contact.

I look him straight in the face and I go get to the dungeon, bitch. And he just turned pale. And there we go. Willie, do you know how much abuse I take at airports? I was telling Lee, about three months ago, I got on a fucking plane now. I always get a certain seat. I always get the same seat, bro. If I pay for a plane ticket, I get the same seat.

Okay? Every time. That's my seat. I don't give a fuck. So one day I go to this seat and there's this dude. Again, Johnny Hollywood. Talking to some fucking other guy about, you know, variety and all this shit. And I come over and I go, that's my seat.

He goes, no, it's my seat. And for a minute, I go, fuck, maybe I made a mistake. I got too high when I got this plane ticket. And I don't have my glasses on. I can't really see. But I knew it was worn. I knew I was in one. So I sat down.

And I'm sitting, man. All of a sudden, some lady comes up, and she's like, you're in my seat. And I go, what? And she goes, you're in my seat. I go, hold on. Let me check one second. Well, no, you're right. I am in your seat.

I go up to the guy. I go, hey, man, you're in my seat. He goes, go find another seat. seat. Do me a favor, though. Get the fuck up. It was six in the morning. I'm in no fucking move for the shit.

Get the fuck up. Get the fuck up. The stewardess comes out. What's going on? This guy, this is my seat, and he tells me to go find another fucking seat. He goes, well, no, I meant to you to take my seat.

I don't want your fucking seat. I pay for this seat. I'm the like, come on. Let's go. And the fucking guy next to him, Johnny executive, is like, what's going on? Yeah, bro. I pay for this seat.

I'm not going to go sit in the fucking corner. If I want to sit in the corner, I would have got that fucking seat. Don't you think about you? This happens to me, bro, constantly on fucking planes, dog. And they're all L.A. people that go somewhere and they feel more entitled or something when they're, like they feel special. Like they're more special now that they went home and they got that vindication, whatever the fuck happens. Bro, this always happens to me.

Always. I had beef with Germans on the plane one time in New York. The cops came. I had another beef with a guy on the way to Columbus, Ohio in front of me, bro. I always get it to fucking beef. Oh my god There's this Instagram account The lady who wanted followed me and I just want to check it

It's called passenger shaming Can I show you some of these pictures of what people do on planes? Yeah It's hysterical It's a huge account and then It's just I can't imagine I'm glad that you stood up to them because I think a lot of people No, you can't do this shit

Not in the 6th night in the morning dog You're not going to cut in front of me at 6 o' fucking clock in the morning Oh the feet up So yeah, look at this garbage. Yeah, they're filthy fucking people. They got no class. These are filthy fucking people. You're going to put your filthy fucking feet out on a plane like that.

I don't even take my shoes off. I'm so fucking embarrassed. I know my feet smell like shit. Look at this filthy fuck. I would do something to that motherfucker. What is that? Bring your nails. Oh, no.

She's not getting on the fucking plane. That creepy. bitch oh someone has the shirt off yeah bro no no no no put in their jacket over your tv screen that would i would kill that would that no they have to take it all i tell this do this to take the jacket from him oh what the fuck is that dirty band date i just everyone with the feet how about this one i found this one uh yesterday you want to hit this bond willie this will this will put you over the top this is yeah this is betty boop meets fucking lawrence Taylor.

All right, man. You don't need this in your life. No, I don't know. Listen, the first thing I do, you know what I got in my bag, dog? When I fly, I got extra strength. My wife, I make my wife, me and my wife take the fucking extra strength.

What's that shit, dog? What's that Lysol, the heavy duty one? Right, yeah. And I put it in a baggie, and I have the wipes. And I wipe everything down on a fucking plane. Do you understand me? I wipe. everything down, dog.

Turn that way, brother. I'm not going to kill my fucking ears. I'm sorry, brother. Yeah, I wipe everything fucking down, dog. This is why. This is why. The thing where I put, my seat, my head, where I rest my head,

that's the first thing I wipe. I don't want fucking crabs. What's that? Someone's warming up their pizza with the overhead light. Yeah, no, no, no. I don't need that. You know, this kid last week was saying he travels with ear plugs. Bro, you got to, that's the problem with people. They don't fly a lot and they're not prepared.

If you're not prepared to fucking fly, it's going to be a long goddamn week, dog. You got to fucking be prepared to fly nowadays. And I know a lot of people listening to them going, Joey, you really ring handy wipes on the fucking plane. You bet your goddamn ass I do. You bet your fucking goddamn ass I do. I don't know whose head was on that thing. They don't clean those planes.

They don't do a fucking thing. Bro, they straighten out the magazines, and they go like this, and the guy comes in with a little vacuumer, and that's it. Everything else is not sanitized. That's why they stopped giving pillows. Remember there was... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, man.

No, man. No more pillows. You got to be fucking crazy if you're going to fly and you don't wipe shit down. I know people listen like Joey, you got to be fucking kidding me. I'm telling you, dog, I don't like my head resting on that stuff. You know, it's just not good for you. It can't be good for you. 20 heads.

You don't know who's been on there. There's Bjo's on there. There's definitely lights on there. Now, so from the time you shoot your special till how long is your special to be ready? It should be ready in about a month. It's going to take about a month to edit. And you got the editors or you're editing it yourself.

Yeah, no, I got an editor. Look, Joey, man, I'm telling you, bro, I'm probably selling my car to getting the whole funding done, man. Do you know what I mean? Really? Yeah, bro, because it's like, okay, originally. it was an X amount of money, right? Right.

And then I went in the red with the money that I had. You know, I had a little money saved up. And then I just got the guy that's putting it all together. He goes, hey, Willie, we're going to go. We got to go a little further. And I was like, I got you, bro. Don't worry about it. Just get it done.

Oh, you need that. Let's do it. You want to get the jib? It's going to cost me this much. All right, let's get the jib, man. Let's do it. I want it done right. But you know what, Joy, it's just I know that,

I know it's going to be good. I know the material. I know how it's been received around the clubs. You know, I mean, you know, when you... Yeah, no, no, no. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that I just want you to have a plan. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And with all the streaming services, you're not going to have a plan selling at all. Right, right. You know, I got to tell you something. The other night that was up late, Saturday night, I couldn't sleep. And I watched one of those Showtime comedy specials.

I do. I know where you're going. I got to tell you something. bro, they're not for me. I don't ever want to go on showtime. Ever. Hey. Ever.

You could just tell they looked to something. I knew in the beginning. He even pulled me aside over at your fucking thing. And he's like, bro, why didn't you go with us? I go, I don't want to showtime. I don't need showtime in my life. That's garbage. I don't even care for Showtime go.

That's garbage. All right. Showtime has always been garbage for the last 15 fucking years. I put one thing on there That was more embarrassed enough That's it It was time to move on I was also on stars too

That does nothing for you either Right right They asked me for all the pitch stars I'm like not in a million fucking years No how many people have stars Four Who's got stars Four fucking people

Remember that kid used to do that show on stars With they paid He was Jim Kellam's client He got he did something He's the one that got booed That somebody's Oh, I know. The famous boo guy?

What was his name? Put that on, Lee, the guy. What the fuck was his name? He got booed at. Who's Roast? Somebody's Roast or something like that? Yeah, yeah. He was married to a boy.

I haven't seen him in years. He sold that show with Martin. Okay. So Martin got 60% of the money for coming out and going like this. Like what's his name used to do at the end of Def Jam? Yeah, just wave? Yeah, wave. Yeah.

So I did his show. Nobody has ever come up to me. That's that side on stars? Yeah. Not one fucking person. Like, nobody's got stars. So that's the other thing, knowing where you want to take your special. Right.

Knowing. Like, I knew. I didn't know I want to go to there. No, no, no, no, no. Not even in a fucking close. So that was the thing. I'm lucky that, you know, my agent talked to CISO. I'm fucking lucky.

Right. Netflix still. more me and that was fine I was just happy to put it out and I was happy that it all worked out you know you always get fucked with those things as long as you know that going in you know you're always gonna get fucking those things all right you know nobody makes unless you're Dane Cook and they give you 500,000 dollars up front that's the only time you don't make money on these people unless and that's the people at home you know I tell you this thing so you know you know unless you're a

big name you're not making money and you're fucking special. Yeah. Okay, they tell you some story. You get a little money up front and they sing you some fucking song. And you know what? You go to yourself,

I'm going to do a good job, and I'm going to sell enough tickets and they'll make up the difference in five or six years. You know, that's how you have to go into it. But I've spoken to 20 comics who were bitter about certain companies or whatever. Right.

And when I went into it, I went with the attorney that they recommended, and then my wife went to her attorney. And it was two completely different fucking things. You could see the people that are in bed with people. Like, let's go from Montreal. You're going to be there? Yeah.

No, you don't want that guy as your attorney. I don't want that guy as my attorney. I don't want that guy that has 20 comedians. He has relationships, yes. But he's also more passive because he's got relationships with these people. I got a fucking real Jewish lady who was like, why are they getting this? Mark that off. And even the attorney that we paid said, oh, she's never, they're never going to okay.

Watch my fucking heat, bitch. They okayed it, you know? And you have to just cover yourself more there. You know, for years, I never used an attorney. I'll go to all anything. And then when you get robbed, you cry. It's like every fucking week now, I get hit the Laugh Factory, those other thieves that are online.

We're going to put your video up and give you 50% of the earnings. You go to your video. It's got a million downloads, and they haven't sent you a check in two fucking years. Now when people hit me up and just tell them no. And if I see their stuff, And we're with a service now that if you see me put up your shit, we fucking come and take the money now.

We copyright and we take the fucking money. No more. Today I had to tell somebody. They hit me up. We have these videos of you. We like to put on our YouTube channel. Don't put them up because I'm going to have my attorney contact your attorney,

and we're going to take all the 100%. So before that happens, don't even put it up. You know, people are getting cute now. You know, I don't want... Listen, man, for... When you start making money as a comic, Trust me, there's 10 years there where you just get fucking robbed. You've been going to check and you look at it and go, God damn, they used to rob me years ago.

You ever start getting with a nice agent or something, even featuring. You're like, wow. I'll never forget Frank Kelly, the guy who had sticky fingers. Frank Kelly got fired from John Lovers. That was a solid mother. That dude was solid when he was at. Sticky fingers. Yeah, when that dude, unlike Montoya.

Remember Montoya got accused of sticky fingers? Well, Frank Kelly, was a sticky finger dude, but Frank Kelly gave you a taste of the action. Right. When he got to John Lovitz, he was stealing. And when I found out he got caught, I was pissed off because when he was robbing at the improv,

he was giving us a piece of the... I featured one weekend. Everybody else paid me $500 a week to feature. He gave me $1,500. I was like $15,000 fucking $100. But he robbed $1,000 off the top. He figured out of the way how to rob $2,500, paying me $15, and he put $1,000 in his pocket.

He had them wired, bro. Right. He had the improv. wired. He was five steps above the improv. They were seeing the minimum payment, bro. He even worked out, bro. One time I brought, I did Irvine for like 70% of the door and I had Rogan as the headline and I can't tell you the check they gave Rogan and Rogan didn't want it. He goes, give it to Joe. I go, no, no, take it for your kids. You're going to need this someday. I go, well, there's no money left for me. Jesus Christ, he gave me a check. I paid everybody twice

because I felt so guilty how much. I paid everybody double what I told him. That's That's how much Frank Kelly stole, but he stole and he chopped it up with you. These other motherfuckers robbed you, they don't give you a taste of dick. It was a thief with honor, man. Yeah, he was a thief with honor. When he went coming up, John Lovitz, he robbed him blind, and he didn't give me a taste of that. I had to wait for checks two weeks and they bounce and shit. I'm happy, Willie, that you're putting this together on your own.

Listen, Willie, always remember, in today's, right now with what's going on, this is the best time to do shit on your own. I shot a special in Vegas that was shit because I had shit people around me. They were all shit. I believed them. They were all shit. And I was cheap. I didn't hire a production manager.

You know, when I saw this special, I knew I fucked up because I had a stain on my shirt. You know what I'm saying? I tried to be a Puerto Rican and I got what I got coming to me. You follow? That's the problem with those things that I said, oh, fucking $6,000.

I shoot it. What a waste. It was like I just should have taken that 6,000 and lit it on fire. Right. There was nothing I could do with that. The sound was horrible. The shirt was horrible. There's nothing you could do.

You can't even sell that. Even when they come to you 10 years from now, if I became a big, like Richard Prime, we're like, we want everything. We want Joey's vault. They would say, not that. Send that back. You know what I'm saying?

Like if I had a vault of material and they would go, you know, he's dead now. I'll sell it to us. Nobody would want that. You can't do nothing with it. if you look at it, there's a big stain on my shirt. Right. And then the sound.

Game end. End over. You know, that was it. You know, the one that I have on Netflix right now, I was half producer of that one. Like all that, I own, you know, you know, for, I got an investor and everything that he put in, like, we went dollar for dollar. But I'm the one that arranged the whole thing on that one, like the cameras, the sound,

the sound, every, I got everybody. and this guy just came in because I needed some money with the you know putting it together and and so I learned from that one Joe did he make a profit your partner yeah well a little bit you know he got his money back yeah yeah and he made a little taste yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but it's not like these deals that we hear man right now here these guys are getting these deals bro 40 million 20 million what the fuck man it's uh do you guys even get jealous of where is that just such a high number that you don't think it's like a I don't think about it there's no reason to be jealous I mean listen man if somebody's willing to pay you I can't be fucking jealous if you got them to 40 fucking million dollars you know net Netflix has how many million subscribers at 995 a month what are you fucking kidding me they got deep pockets so I can never be no I don't listen man when somebody puts out a special I learned something in 2000

that to move forward, you cannot have any jealousy, man. Or no bad feelings. For you to get ahead as a comic or whatever you want to call yourself an artist, once you start dwelling on other people and what they have and what they don't have, your shit

goes down the tubes. Your shit goes down the tubes. You can't compare your progress to anybody else's, man. Once you start comparing your progress to anybody else's, shit happens. You're doing comedy five years. years, you work hard every night, you're right well, you're featuring at the improv. And all of a sudden there's a kid that never even emcee.

Never even emcee. He just jumped over MC and he's featuring. He's been doing comedy. Two years, you can't figure it out. He gets a TV show. There you are, struggling. Ten years in, he's on drugs now. He's all fucked up.

You're still fighting for your life. And now comes the 12 year mark. You get the Tonight Show, your career is rocking and rolling, and this guy's in the fucking in rehab because he moved too fucking fast. I've seen people come to this town and you see the movement and you go, they move too fast. You know, Kevin Hart hit. He had a TV show.

It failed. It's not like he just kept going. Yeah. The TV show failing gave him momentum. Yeah. Gave him strength. He called his agent and he goes, I want to go on the road every week for $1,500 a week. And I want you to give away every ticket in the house to people.

So that's exactly what the improv did. And he went out there every weekend for two fucking years, and he got 1,500 to 1,800 people to see him every fucking week. He did it the old-fashioned way. Kevin Hart deserves every dime he makes. I wish him nothing but he came back from a... How many people come back from a show failing? Not too many.

No. Not too many. You know, Bill Burr was on a show early on with stars. And on ABC and the show caved. he fucking picked his boots up went back to Boston started from fucking scratch and went to New York

got on Chappelle and Bill Burr is who he is because he didn't take off like that you know yeah you get little breaks along the way but those guys that come to Hollywood and right away you see him at the improv and they got nine Jews with them everybody's got a suit you know what I'm saying then you see him at the comedy store

then they go to Montreal and they have a three a three picture deal with whatever you know what bro and also you're Like, what ever happened to all that shit? Yeah. What happened to all those deals and all that TV show?

I went through a thousand of those guys. And I think for about two years, I was not jealous, but I, not infatuated myself, but what's the word? Like, I thought about it. Well, if Willie got 50,000, I should be able to get 35,000. You know, like, I got, I started comparing myself like that. And then something happened when there, I said, you know what? I just got to be me. You just have to not worry about what people.

people get when people get something you say God bless them and you move fucking forward that's all you can do bro and hopefully it'll spin around and that's one more number closer for you right do you know I'm saying absolutely right I like I said I my energy goes on me goes on on my writing a lot of people I've had people that ask like wow you've been doing it so long and don't you get tired of it I said no because I love to sit down and create you know my my my uh my high from you know obviously it's also tequila but my other high is um I love like getting an idea comes from nowhere and then just trying to create something out of nothing and when you do it you go on stage and you try it and it's kind of funny and then you listen to the recording and you go

well maybe I you know twist it this way and add this to it and then you know you're molding it and you're sanding it, you know, you know, bro. And then, you know, and then when you got a polished, you know, a piece of wood, and you say, man, I remember when this was just bark, you know. No, anyway, that's where I, that's why I, uh, you've always been an artist in that sense. You've always been a wordsmith. You always have the tape recorder with you. You always have the notebook with you.

I went to see your writing operation. You had the corner of Denny's. Yeah. That'll allow nobody past the fucking ropes. It's It's really fucking interesting Like I learned a lot That little process from you

And I was struggling after the special I struggled for like two months on stage man With new stuff Yeah struggle big And now at least I got a little voice I got something coming from here A little something coming from here I got a little something working over here

So now I got to find the connection If I shoot another special It won't be till next February maybe You know I don't even need the aggravation That's good time for me That's, but you got, but you got to, listen, bro, you got something that a lot of people don't have, you know, and I don't care. They say, you know, everybody's the same. You work this way and everybody's the same. And you just, you have a, I don't know if you got, it's in DNA, man. It must have been your mom or your dad, but somebody was a hell of a fucking storyteller, man. You know, I don't know. I don't know if, you know, when you were a kid, if it's, you, when your mom was talking, she would tell these stories and then you picked up on it, but. But, you know, it's a gift that you have.

But with you is, it's already, the cake's done. It's just, you know, okay, what kind of frosting we're going to use? You know, you want strawberries on that? But the hard part is the cake, man. Because, you know, sometimes I sit down with you just shooting the shit. Like, before we started the show, when we're just shooting this shit. And I'm, damn, this guy's fucking, you know, you're just a fucking smooth storyteller, bro. When people say that, the other day, it was the funniest thing.

My computer didn't work at this fucking hotel. Sadd, I had to restart it, restart it, restart it. And finally, I restart this fucking thing. Mirrors was on the fritz? Uh-huh. Mirrors was on the fritz? Mirrors, I don't know what the fuck I have. That computer's in the fucking window.

By the way, let me just say this, Joey. You know, you've known me for a month, 20 years. Yeah. Listen, I don't know. I don't pander. I don't, I don't, I'm not going to kiss. Nobody's asked. If anything, you know I have a bad reputation for not getting along with people.

Right. No, no, no, no. So if I'm telling you, man. No, I know. You scared the shit. I mean, when you said that to me, like, you told me at the dinner one day, you go. You have that in your corner, work that angle. And that's why I didn't do the machine gun style stuff I used to do because I'm learning all this style.

Like the one that got me a couple weeks ago, well, I was telling you the story about Facebook. So I get on Facebook on a Saturday, which I never get a. on Facebook on a Saturday. But a buddy of mine was going to send me a link to some fucking thing he had. So he kept calling me. Did you get the link? Did you get the link? I go, bro, my computer's fucked up. And I hit Facebook.

My Facebook is so fucked up on my computer. Then instead of getting my homepage, I get the back page with everybody's things. Right, right. And somebody had posted something. I don't even know what the fuck it was. And they would post like, this guy's a great storyteller. This guy's a great storyteller. This guy's a great story. And

And there was a bunch of people, and I don't even know what made me look at it. I thought it was more of a high-level type thing. And all of a sudden on the bottom, some guy wrote, fuck all you motherfuckers. Mad flavor could fuck them all up. Something just crazy. And they responded back like, fuck you. This guy's way better.

Like, they were Gentiles. They didn't know what the fuck. No, I'm learning about this shit now. It's not like you strive or take a storytelling class 101, but there's no storytelling class. Yeah. There's no storytelling class 101. I was just around a lot of characters. Right.

Growing up. And when they told you a story, I remember them taking you there. Like, that's the most important thing that I would sit there and go, wow. And then go, what the fuck just happened? They're taking you there. They lullaby you. You know, you have to know when to raise your voice, when to lower, when to speed it up. You know, the same thing with stand-up comedy.

Yeah. We have tricks. Well, listen, man, you know, everybody knows. knows you're the best storyteller in town, man. Everybody knows that. He's fucking crazy. I feel flattered, but I think Ron White's better. That's the fuck out of here.

When I watched Ron White, he fucking kills me. Yeah, I know. See, I'm not saying I'm not a fan. I don't like his material, bro, but I just feel that you're, you know, listen, that's just, it is what it is. Well, thank you, brother. I think you're a great writer, so that's why the special worked out. You know exactly what to put different things, but everybody picks up, you can't be good

everything and that's one thing that a lot of comedians they have ego that they won't accept help I love getting help in all areas when I get into something I love getting help I love going to Jiu-jitsu and some guys fucking me up and the middle of it he goes put your elbow here and wow like that won't let me fucking put my leg there you know when I don't like comics who come up to me like I don't take tags on comics and the word got out a long time ago so comics really don't come up to me tags. Well, the word is out for people not to come up to you, period, bro.

Really? Yeah, because you're, listen, man, you're not an asshole, but you're one of those dudes where if you're not going to talk to me and say something, the fuck away from me. If somebody talks to you, they got it. They're coming up like, hey, Joy, you know, but they're not going to eat. You're not going to out there and small talk about somebody's fucking Dan or, or hey, my people talk to me all the fucking time, Willie Bush.

Sometimes I'm hiring. Sometimes I'm high and I don't even know what to say to them. Sometimes they don't understand that they're throwing me the fuck off. Right. When people say shit to me at airports and shit, they have no idea they're throwing me for a fucking loop. I still think about, I feel so guilty. Like I fucking go home and think about it because they don't understand how, like about three months ago, I'm a fucking our taco place. And I, you know when you leave here, Lee, sometimes we leave here and we can eat our finger.

You know what I'm saying? Like you're looking at your finger on the drive home. I get to the taco place. I order four fucking tacos. I sit down. I'm not down two minutes. I put salsa on the taco. And I look at it to go like this and I get,

can we take a picture? I go, fuck no. Like I just told him, fuck no, bro. I just sat the fuck down. Are you fucking retarded? Do you know how fucking hungry I am? Dog, I can't tell you how bad I feel to today. If you're listening to the podcast, my apologies.

Another time I got super fucking high and went to the park and I was doing kettlebells. This had to be three years ago. I'm at North Hollywood Park stoned to the gills. In 90 degree weather, doing kettle bells with no shirt on, fat as I am, getting sun on my tities. I believe in, I went to the doctor and they gave me a blood test. He goes, bro, your vitamin D levels are horrible. He goes, but don't feel bad. 60% of Californians test loaf of vitamin D

because they don't go out in the sun. They think it's fucking like the devil. So I would go to whatever the fuck, North Hollywood Park. I get stoned. That's when banana bread was around. And I'd eat this banana bread that would fuck me up. And I'd go in that park with a gallon of water.

And I would swing kettlebells and do squats. And I would walk across with the things. Why, I don't know. I could have died of a fucking heart. out there but I go under a tree and one day these two dudes came up to me like hey Joey what's happening but I have music on you know like when you have your earphones yeah you're deep in the song and these guys came up to me and I took my headphones off and I could feel the moisture and shit and I just looked at him with a

look like they're like hey man how you doing we train with whatever we just wanted to come over and say hello I didn't know what they were talking about Willie like I was that high into my shit that much that Until they left, like when I got in the car, I said, what happened 20 minutes ago? What the fuck were they talking about? That shit keeps me up at night. That shit keeps me up in the night because I think that right now they're going, that dude was a douchebag because he did that.

But they don't understand that they caught me off guard. Like, I'm fucking stone. What are you talking about? You want to take a picture that last Friday in Baltimore, some guy came up to me and started asking me questions about 20 years ago. Finally, his girlfriend caught up. Like she's like dog Why you're answering those type of questions?

And I looked at him, I go, I just did two fucking hours You want to fucking play Jeopardy? Get the fuck out of here. He just looked at me. Okay Because you can't be that stupid You can't be this fucking stupid I do the podcast Monday and Wednesday Every week, sometimes Sunday You know how many times I get hit up on Thursday for a shout-out? Can I get a shout on your next podcast? Let me tell you something I'm not doing a podcast

Just on fucking Monday. You know what's going to happen to your stupid fucking name? I'm going to forget the fucking thing. You want a shout out. You got to hit me out Monday at a certain time. You got to keep trying. That's the only way I'll fucking remember. I don't remember.

These people tell me at the shows, give me a shot. Are you fucking crazy? I forget when I go to the fucking thing. It's the saddest thing, bro. We're getting old. I'm getting old. What the fuck you want? In fact, let me do some shoutouts.

I know Willie got to go and shit. We're over here talking shit. Willie, I'm proud of you. It takes balls to shoot your own fucking special in this town. Everybody wants to be on that. Everybody wants to be, you know. Hank Huba, Bobby Friedman, Aus Warrior, Ali Baas, who I haven't heard from.

If you're listening, hit me up with an email. Jeremy Campbell, Rory Ballantyne, Malcolm Riddle, who came to the show. His little partner, Cassius Morris, up there, slinging dick up in the great fucking state of Canada. And Ricky Mallon sent him happy birthday to my man, Danny B. You know, I love you, cock sucker.

So that's it. You're shooting Saturday night at the Ice House, 8 at 7.30 and what time? Yeah, it's 8 and 10 on Saturday and 8 and 10 on Friday. Saturday's looking pretty good. So, man, for all your people that, you know, they want to come down. Please come on down. If you're not doing nothing, you're close to the Ice House. Go on down. Support the guy. See what the looks. If you never seen a special, get shot. Be a part of something support you never know Maybe someday you might need the fucking some help yourself. Lee what's going on with you how you're feeling buddy?

I'm feeling good I think I'm I might go down on Saturday To support Willie you think you're gonna go down that good you're a good man Of course you're gonna take the wife with you of course Nice get out of the house get some air Well one every six months get some nice fucking cheeseburgers up there and Pasadena's got to be something good I know last time you ate in Pasadena it wasn't good Oh yeah Those wings were terrible.

I'll find something on you up, I'm sure. All right. Willie, always a pleasure, man. Thank you, man. Thank you, bro. Thank you, bro. Talk about different shit. Not a special.

Last time you won, it was because you were helping me. We're helping each other. Thank fucking God. I got to tell you, brother. You know, I've done four specials, you know. I was back in the day with Jay. I was on the Tonight Show a dozen times. But to me, you know, because in the comedy world, bro,

you know, you're a guy that it's, It's something that I it was an honor when you when you asked me to know it was it was bro Please so it's up there people go so what do you do man you know I work with Joey man so You bad motherfucker you first off how about a shout out to my main motherfucker's on it for all your health Supplements your your weight supplements from alpha brain to Shroom tech to to have protein to new mood go to honor dot combs Look at the great selection of supplements they got. Look at the steel bats.

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Again, C-S-O-E-E-S-O-C-O-E-E-S-O-E-E-O. promo code Joey. Thank you very much. We'll be back Wednesday motherfucking night, ready to rock. Hope you have a great day and a great week. Stay black. Don't forget my man Willie Barcena, Friday and Saturday Ice House. And don't forget, tickets are going fast. Next Thursday, March 30th to fucking April Fool's Day. I'm at the Leverty Live and Nyack. Don't fuck around, all right? A bunch of people coming up there, Renee and Carcion's Lady Jay. We got a bunch of undercover fucking agents. And the week after that, 420, Levity Live and Oxnard. One more time, Willie Barcena, Lee Syatt, and Uncle Joey. I love you, cocksucker. Stay black.

Have a great week. I'll see you motherfuckers on Wednesday.