The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #469 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: April 4, 2017

Steve Simeone, Comedian and writer, seen on Comedy Central's "This Is Not Happening" and heard as the host of the, "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY to get 1 month for free.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Recorded on 04/03/2017.  

I made it. He goes, there were guys at Crest Hill that would get development deal after development deal. He goes, when I sold out Madison Square Garden, those guys were back in the Midwest, teaching gym. He was like, it ain't how fast, it's slow and steady that wins the race. And I never forgot it. It really is crazy. You see him come and fucking go in this town. Like, you just see him come and go in this town.

And for Dice to tell you that type of story, that's little steps. And he's absolutely right. I sat here and got pissed on and watched people do what the fuck they wanted. And I would say, and I'd see other people that were fucking animals. And nobody looked at these people, and then the card flips. But then at times, a few of them slipped to the cracks. And you look at them and you wish them well, but you know somewhere along the line they're going to crack because this is tough. And it's like round the rousey when they all come at you.

There's no shortcuts. They all come at you. for the same fucking direction. This show is brought to you by Onit for all your supplements. Go to Onit.com right now and press in. Church. And get 10% off your order delivered to your house.

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April fools could suck your dick, it's over. Uh, yeah, give it to me. What? Churchill, what's happening now? Oh, I need some. Oh, shit, this is what you need, baby boy. Hey, back. Here you go, cock suck, this, what?

Bam! Churchill, what's happening now? Little Lee Syatt, aka Festos. My man, Steve D. Simone, aka Steve Simone. Hey, man, you're the thing You got to see And your Uncle Joey Diaz Coming out your cocks,

What? What's happened? You bad motherfuckers It's another edition Of the church Welcome to Podcastville I got my main man Steve Simone

Lysayat With his blue shirt on I gave him a bonget His eyeballs Almost blew out Was that the same thing You gave Dean Delroy Because that's what I felt like

No, that was Whatever the fuck This is the devil's lair When I gave you The same shit I gave you the same shit I gave you last week and your face got all red and shit like that. I want to thank all the people

came to the shows at Nyack. One of the funnest fucking weekends I've had in a long time. A lot of crazy people showed up. My man, Andrew Nandale, showed up. My other dog showed up with spaghetti sauce. I traveled all the way back with a jar of fucking spaghetti sauce.

You know, the fucking troops showed out, and it all ended with some guy getting hit in the head with a bottle in the fucking bathroom on Saturday. Saturday night and telling me it was the best night of his fucking life because it was his birthday and he came to the show. So I want to thank everybody who came out. I had a great time to do with the tattoos from the Bronx. I mean, there was just the two Italian dudes, the DeLula brothers, fucking Fidel and his brother Raul, the Jews who came.

I mean, you know, I loved everyone. I had a great time last weekend. The fucking food was great. I had spaghetti and clam sauce. I got to be honest, he even had the sushi twice. Wow. Delicious. You know, me, you can't eat fucking meat on Friday.

you got slipping some filly rolls and shit and a shrimp temporal roll to get the party started. And I've been holding out good. It's been a good lent. Me too. This has been a very good length. I stuck to my Fridays.

I didn't eat no fucking edibles. It's been good for you, I was going to say. For me, it's been like a... It's like the opposite of... Listen, for you, it's every day at the office. This is it. We don't stop here, at least I am. This is what makes our podcast different

than anybody else. We don't stop the party here. What do you mean podcast? I was going to tweet something. This is a lifestyle. The church of what's happening now is a mental lifestyle. If you ain't running with the Hebrews, we got so many different directions and philosophies

coming into the church. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know you, but I woke up, like, I always try to think about, like, what other people are going through to offices. I got two emails from Joey at about 1.45 a.m. last night, and they both started with, I've been up since, I've been up since 1 a.m. Cucker, you're slipping.

We're taking over 2,000. Like, it's just like, what kind of email? Like, this email would go to HR, Like this would be a big scammed a little bit at a go back last night I laid down I fucking sat there with my wife my friend Becky came over We had donuts we watched angel heart with Mickey Rourke phenomenal fucking movie deniro stole it again as the devil fucking tremendous When he eats that egg he scares the shit and and my man Dave Foley put it up in on his fucking website So it's an HD like that new shit oh my god But anyway it's funny my daughter came in

And I'm watching whatever. She goes, Daddy, it looks like a scary movie. I go, I know, I'm scared myself. Why don't you sit next to me? And we could be scared together. She just looked at me and ran out of there. That's a scary-ass movie. Just to look at the darkness of that movie.

You know, when that movie came out, it was that golden child. Oh, yeah. And something else came out in 1987. And New York Times wrote a big article that The Devil was alive and kicking that year. That was the year of the devil in cinema. Wow. Because those three movies really fucking, they really hit hard. Like, the Golden Child, nobody's ever watched.

That was Eddie Murphy. That's Eddie Murphy. Nobody sees that movie. Nobody knows it exists. Nobody ever paid attention to it. It's like after 48 hours in trading places, and I think it's a little before coming back to America. Right. So he had done, I don't know if he did that black, you know, so nobody's ever really seen Golden Child.

Golden Child has an interesting movie about a kid who's going to save the world. and the chick posed and playboy, big tits, she was a little Indian girl, nice. That's a weird movie. No, but that whole year, they said 1987 was the year of the devil. There was one other movie that came out in 87 that was a strong devil flick.

I don't know what the name of it is. It really doesn't matter, but my wife went to bed. Becky left, and it was 11.15. I go, let me go lay down. I'm tired. I was physically and mentally top. The weekend in Nyack, you know, the long flight, JetBlue has won me over. Okay.

One me over. Like, it beats Virgin, it beats American, it beats Delta in those six-hour trips. They've been ahead of the game for years. I've loved JetBlue. They were one of the first to have TVs. The seats are comfortable. Everywhere. And you know what?

I love, and I've only done it a couple times, those extra legroom are great. A great. Everything on there. You could get up, get your own potato chips, sodas. That's great. Because this was an old date. My agent called him and said, we negotiate a price or something a little higher.

He's selling more tickets now. And they came to an agreement. I just tell him to get me a mid-plane ticket on. Let's just go down the middle. Forget the percentage. Just get me a mid-plane ticket. I'll pay for it and send them the receipt. Boom.

And they can pay me that. Boom. That's what I did. That's great. And it's a third of the price of all those other big passenger airlines. because Kennedy, L-A-X to Kennedy is three grand. I usually use upgrades. I get upgrades.

I have like 97 upgrades. So it's four to New York, but you're not going to guarantee. That's what everybody's scam is. What weird thing happened was I went to bed and used to sit, when I got onto the fucking flight in New York, I get in the flight in New York. I'm first on the flight. Some chick with a dog is sitting in the cubicle next to me

Because you've got to get an even number and you have the cubicle to yourself. Okay. So it's like your own little apartment. Like a doctor. You should have seen me. I fit in there and I was sleeping like this like a baby in the embryo.

I had Godfather 2 on. They got Rocky. So good. I got Godfather 2 on the way there and I got, what did I get on the way back? Maybe Rocky. Rocky won't. Maybe Rocky was something else I watched.

I watch a couple of Law & Orders. I watch a couple of shows about the alligator people, swamp people. Best show on television, those rednecks. Last week, the guy's finger got cut off. He's still driving the thing. He's like, I got to rush to an ambulance because bacteria might come in here. But I still got to make a living and go get myself an alligator.

And he went with his little fingerless fucking hand. Oh, my gosh. And at the end of the show, the guy goes, man, that was a good job today. He goes, I give you a high five, but it's really a high three. Fucking hysterical, swamp people. Best show on television. so when I woke up my cubicle smelt like fucking farts like ass but he said so the Jews sat behind me

and they went with the whole garb him and her had the whole garb when they came on then he started making a commotion he had a type of Jew pajamas on this guy goes into the bathroom and changes his little yarmica suit on to this other gray plaid pajama suit on and his wife got up and she goes in the bathroom and she changes into some little Jewish outfit and she comes down and sits down behind me I don't say two words I was gonna call leave but it was too early in the moon to bother so I just went back to bed when I got up dog it's not like 22,000

farts in that fucking cuba I had a protein shake and then I ate something on the there was no fucking nothing there wasn't a place opening Kennedy that's how early I flew out of that uh I flew out at 545 playing boards at 515 there's nothing open do you understand yeah it's the worst so I got on the plane I had like yogurt granola I had this shrimp I had two pieces of chicken and fucking waffles. I bent over and went to bed. Three hours later, I wake up, and 20 minutes left. My whole cubicle smells like a dead fart.

Even with the fan going, I'm thinking it's me, but it was so bad. I look around, I look behind me, the Jews were gone. You understand me? They said, fuck it. So I must have been farting the whole fucking flight. Tremendous. When we landed, I go, what happened to the Jews? I didn't ask the lady because I didn't want to be there.

You made them move their first class scenes? those in the airplane for it's most especially yogurt and protein. Oh, Buster salmon I had the day below. Oh, Joey. Oh, yeah, I was killing. I'm in the Philly Row. The clams from Friday. The clams from Friday. That

Nyack water, it was all all about to shout and dog. Plus, I had an espresso before I went to sleep. To have espresso on there, I got a double espresso. And then you went to sleep? You don't mean, I'm a second. I can do an eight ball and close my eyes. I don't give a fuck anymore. I remember one time I was shooting a shitty movie.

And I'd stayed up snorting the whole night. And I went to the fucking thing, and I drank two Red Bulls and were right to sleep. I'll never forget that. People are like, man, we've never seen that before. Listen, let me tell you a little secret. I've been snorting blow for 24 years. Two Red Bulls could spend everything. It's not going to do anything to you.

I'm down to sucking orange peels. When you get coked up in the old days, I had a Colombian friend who would say to take the orange cut it and suck on the orange peel. Like half time at a soccer game? Yeah, I suck the orange peel. And whenever vitamin is in the peel will neutralize the acid and the cocaine. I did it once or twice. Who the fuck knows? Even when you lay down your heart's beating to death.

Steve D. Simone and myself will be at the Borgata July 29th. Are you kidding me or what? We're trying to pick up a gig in Delaware on the 28th, just so we can swing by and get cookies and the cheese steak. You know what I'm saying? Listen, we're going to go to Delaware. Let's stop. No, we can't, Joey. It's only three hours.

Listen, we're going to stop for fucking. It's right there. We'll go to Terminies. We'll get the cookies. We'll swing by Johns to get a sandwich. What's going on in your world, Tarsin? You're making pizzas now? Making homemade pizzas.

I had one of the families from Children's Hospital over yesterday. So it was a great day. You're becoming like an old Italian. That's exactly it. I was listening to Dean Martin and making pizza on a Sunday. You're going to get a little money. You're going to buy a house. I'll go over your house.

You'll have the fucking boots on. You'll be out there with the hose. Plan tomatoes in the back egg. That's all they want out of life. How crazy is that that you would become a little Italian man? Like every neighborhood has, that Italian man. Yep. That's crazy.

Yeah, cleaning the driveway with the hose. You shrink an inch and a half. Exactly. Every year. Like Mr. Luna, you were bigger last year. Nah, kid, you're getting taller of yours up. No, Mr. Luna. No, no, no, no.

You're shrinking, no. Something's not right. Is Mr. Luna a real guy? No, no, I'm just thinking about all the Italian. When I was a kid, before the new month, Chinese restaurant moved to 29th Street in Bergen, Lane Avenue, across from my mom's bar. There was a very old Italian delicatessen, the other word. There's another word for it.

Not deli-? Butcher shop? No, it's an Italian, and they call it something. My earliest memories was I would torment my mom until she walked me across the street. When you walked on the right-hand side, they had the calendar with the cold cuts and the cheese hanging. It smelled really bad. But the vegetables were all there in baskets on both sides. And the little candies and stuff.

But in the back, they had the boxes of a little candy. Yeah. That you just shove your hand. The greatest. The thing is the one guy looked like Clemenza. The one brother was built just like Clemenza, roundhead. I could still see him now. It was three, four years old, bro.

Yeah. I could still see these guys. And his brother was an Italian that looked like you. And they both worked together. And every time I go in there, my mother would make sandwiches. I'm a big mortadal guy. I love it. Because of that place.

I still remember them handing me to mortadella. Give you the sample? They give you the sample. Oh, the greatest. And I used to, my mom would get Cuban crackers. And you put mortadale on Cuban crackers with that cheese that comes in the red container, Gouda. Oh, yeah.

Not the smoke Gouda, but the regular Gouda, you put that on a Cuban Cracker. Are you fucking kidding me or a while? It doesn't get better. And after my mom died, I didn't really eat that Cuban food anymore. And then one night, I went to Union City. in 85 the night before I left New Jersey to go to Colorado I never forget I went down

there and my friend's uncle ran the bar and he asked me if I was hungry and I go yeah and he gave me mortadella on crackers and he was Irish you know and I was like god damn That's a little bit of a sign though Yeah no it was a sign I still my wife gets

Mortadella and I get pissed the fuck off She'll get mortadella once a month I'll be in the refrigerator and I'll see it and try to avoid it but I have a few fucking toks of the refa and I just give it. That calls your name. Listen, at this point, I eat like three pieces of Mordadella with three saltine crackers, delicious.

Just regular fucking Ritz crack. Not rich, not rich. Rich sucks with Mordadella. Simple. Simple is the best for everything. But that's what I remember about those Italian guys. They were short. Like, I still remember,

I don't remember the name of the deli and that all. Up the corner was Ponte Corvo's. Could it have been Gasharmamia? I don't know how to pronounce it. I'm sorry. Something like that's what they're saying. Astronomy or something. Yeah, they had a different name for it.

It was like it's something because they sell something. It makes them, it's not liquor. But when I would go to Christy Lorenzo's house in the summers, he lived in close to Marlborough. I would exit 17 off the parkway there. And when you come up to that busy street 34, 35, there was one of those places, a Trotoria. Oh, yeah. of those places and they hung cheeses in there.

To me it's a fucking deli but they got the pepper stuff with mortadalchias. Oh yeah and the prosciutto shooters. The prosciutto shooters and all that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you guys ever live in the Italian like Italian section? I've lived in the Italian, I lived there for two years

and it's still, I still miss it. I would move back there. North and Boston. Oh my God. It was it was just it was just so much nicer, so much And I get the benefit of having a house And wanting to not have neighbors

Yep But for me, if like if just thinking about you I can see you thriving in like Just any Italian neighborhood I just feel like you like own the neighborhood Like high-fiving people I love all the old people that sit down You have a coffee with them

They tell you a story I love that I love the food Like North End I stopped I remember getting a coffee there And some guy lived in a neighborhood For like 50 years He was 80 years old

He was fantastic Just he opened the vault started telling stories. Oh, yeah. Every restaurant was great. I love neighborhoods like that. You know, I was telling my way after the other day. I would love to find, like my brother, Joe Koch.

I was friends with this dude in Boulder. He was a baker on Monday nights. When I first got into comedy, I would perform on Tuesdays. So Monday nights, he was a cook, chef during the week. But Monday nights, he was in charge of all the desserts. He would cover for somebody. Okay. So I'd go there at about 11 and meet him.

And all his mistakes, I'd, I taste everything all night. But I would sit there all night writing jokes. And one day he came to me. He goes, you know what, man? I'm going to move back to fucking Mississippi, and he went down and he opened up a bagel show. They never saw a bagel show at Bagel, Mississippi.

Yeah. Did he do all right with it? I just didn't know. It's a fucking world. The end of buying 17 houses, the bagel shop grew. He just recently sold it. Wow.

Because it was enough. He did 20 years, 5'4 in the morning, making bagels, training people in the college. That's great. I think it's Mississippi State. I think I'm not sure. Don't call me on that, but that's the thing to bring a culinary to a place where nobody has it. You know exactly what you want. Listen, I want four tables with four people. The most I want my restaurant is 16 people. Yeah. And I'm going to put a table on the back just in case it will he comes to town so you can sit

next to the cooks and sample of food. And that's it. And it's very simple. You're not looking to be, Once you know what you really want, it makes life so much simpler. I'm walking into these businesses lately, and I'm no mathematician, but I got to sit there and go, how much money does it cost to keep this restaurant alive? Yeah, the overhead costs.

The overhead cost in half these places, the square footage in half these cities. I was in New York last week, and I walked back from Jim Norton and whatever show. I want to thank him for putting me on the show, Sam Roberts Show. And I always take a little walk, and I look at these places,

And I go, how many fucking grilled cheese sandwiches do you have to sell? Do you have to sell to fucking, you know, I went to a deli that I always go to when I do Jim Norton. I love it. A 50-yard walk down the corner, ham, tail egg with some roasted peppers on a Kaiser roll with an orangina. Are you fucking kidding on me? So good. You follow me? You follow me?

You're with me? You know? And then on the way out, you're stopping there again and you get an egg salad sandwich or a fucking. chicken chicken salad sandwich with a tomato. Come on, dog. So good. On a Kaiser roll and you get in the cab and it drives you over to the fucking ferry. And on the way there you blast the fucking chicken.

Oh, dog. I pay the nine bucks, I go over the fucking ferry, but I'm sitting there going, you know, I have a dream for a restaurant. But before I could open up my dream every month, I'm 30 G's in the whole because of my location. And it's got to be for 30 G's, it's got to have parking. They got to have a lot of things. On top of that I'm going to have to have payroll. So I'm minus 37,000. And that's, I don't even know.

I'm just throwing numbers up there. I know that it's expensive to rent. It's such a tough business. Because I have friends that have Jitsu schools and they tell me what the number is and I fucking shit in my pants. It's crazy. That's always something that blows my mind. Like whenever I drive by like a copy store or like a bagels a little bit, you can have good

and bad bagels, but businesses that don't really have any, like, room for being a better business. It blows my mind that people actually go and start, like it seems like there's too much competition. If you have something you're talented at, go for it. Just to open up another liquor store is like, geez.

Okay, if you go down to hunger right here, and before you hit Magnolia, there's a little coffee shop, two doors down from the church. If they're lucky, they sell 10 coffee's a fucking day. How do they stay in business? How many people could actually walk and get coffee?

You know what? They hustle. I've been watching that because that's my stupidity. In life, when somebody opens, like, okay, a couple months ago, a wing and curry place opened them on fucking burt-on-whatever. I was excited because they had a sign that said wings coming soon. Okay. I go, at least Lee and I don't have a place to go sit and chit-chab. You know, it's around the corner from the office.

Yeah. But then the sign came up, and it was like, wings, but curry. I call the lead right away, and I'll never walk in there. How do you combine us to? It's horrible foot traffic. It's a horrible combination. This is what I look at as an e-com major. I know it sounds stupid to a lot of people.

I like to see the rise and the rise of a business, and then if it falls, I want to know why. And you put together that it was a bad location. There's just a stupid personal hobby in mind. Some people think about the world being flat. Others think about whatever. This is what I think about. Yeah. You look at that coffee shop

And he got information about it's been there for two years I've been walking with mercy She's four I stopped in there many a time and got a coffee with my wife Coffee was good They're Spanish they're very decent people They had a child He's in there mom and pop mom and pop

So that's but if you notice they're building a hotel right next to it Is that a hotel? That's a hotel So that fucked them That was looking good It slowed down a little bit But right now they're putting all this North Hollywood, drive around.

That's it. Oh, the rent around. The rent is going through the roof. This is the hottest neighbor in LA right now. But let's pretend. Lee had a good thing. He sees a coffee shop. He sees that is small,

and he sees that there's no growth potential in the business. Okay. When you open up any type of food industry, you're already in like a 30% range of failure. And I think that's speaking moderately. I'm no restaurant type of guy. I think that sometimes, people go somewhere

and they eat this I had a meal in India and I think I'm going to bring the chef over and open up the same you know and it just and with restaurants it's like a glamour thing like the critics have to like it and it's got to become a hot spot

like eat you know we go for breakfast from time to time my wife we go to either Denny's or eat we always mix it up so you look at these places and you know whatever to grow well maybe I want to be the best product If I want to be and give people, I know how big I want to be. This guy had a vision when he opened up the business.

He knew he didn't want to expand. He probably worked as an engineer for 20 years. Right. All right. He saw the corporate side of life. He put away some money. And one day he said, guess what I'm going to do? I live on 2-2-2-Smith Avenue.

I'm going to fucking open up a coffee shop on 52 Smith Avenue. I don't give a fuck what anybody says. Why? I tell you why. Because I'm going to be in there all day. gives me a chance to do something in my life. I still get a pension, and I get away from my wife for a fucking hours,

and I get to create whatever the fuck I want coffee. And if people come in, they come in. If not, I don't really lose money. I need to sell two coffees a day, and I break even. But at least I'm doing something in my life. You follow me, some people know exactly what they want. You know, some people just open up a fucking place. You know, nobody would dream of...

It's amazing in the places that you... You see you open up and you go, that's not going to work. And you try to be positive. You already know by the name or the gimmick. Yep. It sounded like a good idea, but it's tough to sell cupcakes. That's a lot of cupcakes to pay rent. And there's certain locations that are just the kiss of death, no matter what they put in there.

It just doesn't work. Dead. Or the parking socks. And you never know. And you never know. And you never know to you're in it. Yeah, it's true. Like you never know till you're in the fucking game.

But didn't you guys have. have in the town where i grew up there was a one spot that was a new restaurant every eight months yep every eight months it was like i'm surprised like the real estate agents must just be lying to people i just don't like it's weird how that happens it's like a pregnant woman it's like a woman that's gonna get married she sees what she wants to see yeah it's like when you shoot a movie and while you're shooting a movie you think this is an oscar winner and after you watch it and the smoke settles and the ether goes away you're like ooh what was i thinking you know how many times have people come up to you didn't we have somebody come in here once and say i got a new show i've been in their business for 20

years and this is the best new show leave you remember he goes there's the best new show that i think so yeah and three weeks later the show was canceled was he lying to us no he he believed it at that he believed the ether while he was there the shooting sometimes people believe their own ether Yeah, they want it so bad that they don't see the reality. They don't see the reality. Like, I knew two guys had opened up. It was honestly the best pizza I've ever had in Los Angeles. But their location was garbage.

They were zero parking. Zero parking. It didn't last. It couldn't last. Listen, the best pizza in Hollywood is that Vitos. Yeah, I agree. LeBray. You know what the chance is you getting parking there?

Zero to no. Zero to none. I love to take Ely and go to Vito's and get a slice. But you're not going to get parking. You got to go to 11 o'clock in the morning. What about up here, Skinny Kitchen? They literally just expanded, and within six months, they closed up, and I'm pretty sure the West Hollywood one is closed. It's crazy.

You know, but Skinny Kitchen sounds great on paper. When we came in here and said it was healthy options, until he told me what they had. And that's the fucking problem. You know, there's a place called Lemonade. Yes. My wife fucking hates it. My wife thinks it's total garbage. I love lemonade.

I see lemonade. It's like all kinds of salads and stuff like that, right? Becky loves it. Everybody has different opinions, you know what I'm saying? You look at those places and you say to yourself, how the fuck did I just pay $15 for a salad? That's everything in the city. But you don't know until you get home that night and I go, wait a second. I paid $15 for a bowl of lettuce and two pieces of chicken.

You know how many salads you could get? How big is a bag of lettuce? At home. There you can make... Ten of them. How much of those bags? Probably two bucks. Four bucks and two chicken cutlets, but you're paying these people 15 bucks, but you also have to imagine that.

Half of that is going to their fucking rent. Yeah, that's what it is. Half of that. I don't even see the profit margin. There was a great documentary called Deli Man about the rise of all the great Jewish delis over the last 150 years and how they're all going out of business because the cost of goods. Everything's too expensive. Your margins are so small.

that you could have a thousand customers in the day and still not make I could go to where my wife is from the town over is Bradford Tennessee there's a mall where there's a Chinese buffet there's a Walmart but guess what in that strip mall there's four places that are wide open right I could go in and tell the guy there's a couple of these in half this is what I'm gonna do I'm gonna have a coffee shop here lattes chocolate white mocha the shit that coffee bean sells the black forest yep maybe be a but keep it simple what I'm really pushing is the regular coffee yep to a little bit of cream and two scoops of sugar get the fuck out of here I'm not going to sit here with syrups and all this gruzy shit but I'm also going to have danishes for them and I'm also going to have an egg sandwich from which the profit margin through the roof a egg is what 25 cents a fucking bun is what 10 and what's a slice of cheese and what's a fucking You know, that's it, and a piece of tailor ham. Yep.

And you could do it, $4.95 and throw in a cup of coffee. I could sell $200 of those in the daytime. That's my specialty in life. Yeah. 495 and a one-egg sandwich made by Uncle Joey on the grill right here. Fresh New Jersey style with the aluminum four, and I cut it with the aluminum four like a fucking doctor. That'd be great.

That's the way you do it. But to have that, I would have to have sufficient coverage in the bank and time and I would give myself time because the things I've gotten involved in my life I would give myself time I knew that it would take time I'd have to join a social media thing yeah marketing that's been a lot of money

advertising well not even a lot of money it's just being visible yeah being visible and convincing people are coming for a cup of coffee and not charge them 4.50 right I'm not pushing $4 coffee here I'm keeping it simple I believe you would be great in any of those business because their personality

yeah their personality So people would come in just to hang out with you. Get a cup of coffee. Talk shit. I love something like that. You would be so good at that. The last 10 years of my life, I would love to do something like that. I think it would be, for a guy like me, I love it.

You know, I'd love to open up a Cuban restaurant. It would be one thing a day. I would be open for breakfast, for ham and eggs or Cuban whatever breakfast. I'd make up a Cuban bowl or whatever. I'd have like eggs, a steak, white rice, an eight-ounce steak and two eggs fried on top of it. And you cut it like that and let the yolk go all over the steak and the white rice. That's Cuban stuff.

What I eat it? Not in a million years. And I'll throw your three fried bananas. You know, one of those things. I'll throw your Cuban egg sandwich for breakfast. And that's breakfast. And then for lunch, make one specialty a day. I don't compo or liegee on Friday, make some type of fish, you know, beef tongue on Thursday.

And it changes every day. When it's done, it's done. When it's done, it's done. You're not going to come in here and go, well, do you have it without the peppers? Listen, this is how it owns. One of the best pizza places in Philly, they only make so many doughs every day. You've got to call in advance to reserve your dough, and when they're done, they're done. That's it.

Goodbye. We're done. We're done. We don't have time to play games with people because you don't have nothing to lose. You're not looking to be Johnny bananas. You're at the side of a road in Tennessee somewhere, and you got to get rednecks to come in and go, man, this is the best thing sandwich I've ever had in my life. Yeah, there's. And also you start talking to them.

They tell you they're World War II, Vietnam. They hate Japanese people. You fucking nod your head. You know, you don't agree, but you nod your head. You don't say you hate Japanese people, but you go, yeah, you're right. And they come in every day for a cup of coffee, give you the year beating. And then they go home. And then they start gathering there.

Next thing, you know, you've got 20 old guys gathering, talking shit, drinking coffee. All the guys go out for breakfast. They get to a bar. They're bars for old dudes. But they're always looking 15% off. The old geezers, they catch you with that sunrise breakfast. Yeah. There was a place of block away from Golds in Venice.

They would do 50% off omelets from like 530 in the morning to 630. All the old guys would be in there at 545. Oh, I was going to say, were they there at 525 with their hands around the window? Papers under their arms. Ready to go. And like suits. It's so good. It's tremendous.

And that's what I would do. And you know how great your podcast would be just interviewing those old-timers? that would be the best you'd just be done done I'd do a little stand-up on Wednesdays for lunch three people I'll work the grill for you hire me

I'll go no employees I'm a one-man show I met that strip club in fucking Portland I went to Oregon years ago with Josh Wool the chick did everything she was the DJ the hostess she took your money at the door

she was the door man she was the bouncer she was a one-man operation she's playing the drums with her it was fucking hysterical yeah that's it's it That's really it. You fry, how long does it take? It's the most personal thing in the world.

You throw in your eggs, you talk a little bit. How do you want your eggs on me? I want them sunny side up. Don't give me a bun today, Joey. Just give me 10% off. You get dick. You know, cream, cheese and jelly on a roll. And you reintroduce culture.

You know, you reintroduce a menu to people. As we say, all the time, you impose your will. This is when you impose your will. You say, I have the best this. This is, Lee said it best. We were talking about the 800-pound man that I watched the hour and a half Super Size special on Friday night.

It was one of the most interesting things I ever watched. I mean, that show is so fucking sad. Every time I watch my 600-pound life, I watch it and I do push-ups. I do fucking sit-ins. I just watch. I mean, you just feel bad. But the guy was eating eight pizzas a day.

And he weighed 740 and his brother weighed six. 600 pounds. And the brother had the shit on his legs And the brother was born with a crooked leg This guy had the things on his leg or what now I don't even know what the point of this fucking story is I'm telling you about the The fucking food he was eating

He was eating eight pizzas a day You're talking about posing your will This is the best Now we're talking about I don't know The Armenian doctor I have no fucking idea This is why I'm lucky I have you tonight

Because you don't get high Thank you never got high I got well definitely only one time Ari and Renazizi hotboxed me when I was driving to get Chinese food. I almost killed us and I was just laughing. There's a Chinese food place that stays open late in Recita. It's not bad. It's not good.

The vibe is tremendous. But they hopboxed me there. And then once when we were in Denver, Ari gave me a joint. And I took one hit and I fell asleep for the two hours. I was out to the world. I forgot what I was going to tell you about the fucking need. Not a pound man, but anyway, who goes a fuck? You just said something that I wanted to talk about, imposing your will.

I was thinking, going back to a kid, I never really ask. I'm not really good at asking for what I want. Is that something that you guys have gotten better at and asking? And like, I know you guys are improving in your careers, asking for roles. I don't know. Is that? You want me to help? I want me to tell you what creates that mental thing of imposing your will?

once you've known you've done the work. Once you've known you've done the work, that's when you get so confident of what you do and you're so assertive on it. Listen, Lee, I have the same problems that you have. I deal with the same things you have. I don't like asking for money. I don't like asking for money.

And you always think that, you know what? I'll give this personal break, but I'll make it up here. You know, there's always these little mental blocks in your head. And then you realize that these people are taking advantage of you. They're taking advantage of you. It's not even fair anymore. You know what I'm saying?

I had a situation last week where we asked for more money for a certain thing. This is after they asked us to help them with their slogan or some shit. And we said, yeah, we'll help you, but you have to pay us. And then I asked them for a rent. And the guy's like, no. And I'm thinking to myself, so wait a second, when you were paying us peanuts and we were doing great, you never called us and said, this is what you got coming here. Here's the extra money. Right.

Now that we're asking you, you don't want to do it. Guess what? Now I don't want to do business with you. You proved who you were. And imposed my will. I did my work. I get up early every week. I look for music.

I have to talk to guests. You know, I have to get here. There's a lot of work that goes into it. There's a lot of work that goes into everything. You know, I bust Lee's balls. I bust Lee's balls because I was Lee at 28 also. And I know the mistakes you make and the stupid moves that we do. I mean, I did such a stupid move.

I ended in prison at 25. So I goof on Lee, not to goof on Lee because I get off on goof on Lee. I goof on Lee so Lee sees the shortcut. But you know what nobody ever sees the shortcut. You got to line the heart in. It was too fucking late. And it would break my heart to see Lee get hurt. it in any way i can see this kid like a son you know i'd love to stab him and put him in the trunk of

my colleague billy bats time to time but on the other hand i never want anything bad to happen to me any situation you know you were fucking horrible when we're 20 you know yeah you're an idiot we have the world by the balls and all this stuff and it something dawned on me this week and saturday night it's so weird that this type of shit really irritates the fuck out of me because i didn't don't understand if people understand. Okay? I watched something and he said, this is what turns players into kings,

and it dawned on me for a long time, what the expression made. For years, I towed it around Hollywood. For years, I told it around Hollywood, like everybody else tiptoes around Hollywood. I didn't want to piss nobody off. I didn't really want to ask for more money.

I didn't want to do this. And then one day, you snap. Something really happens in your brain. and you cover all your bases and you work harder, but it's called sacrifice. You know, I don't think people, especially people like Lee, know what sacrifices. Sacrifice is a big word to get to the next level.

I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. You have a mom? Steve's a mom? Yeah. Is your mom alive? Yes, thank God. As your dad alive? Thank God.

You have your brothers, your siblings. Yep. Where do they live? 3,000 miles away. That's sacrifice. Absolutely. You don't need this. You don't need on the Monday night

to be sitting between a Jew and a Cuban getting tormented in fucking North Hollywood, California to go to the comedy store to pick up a check for $15. Absolutely. Your parents married, your grandparents migrated here to this country for you to be a better thing. Your brother became a dentist.

I'm not putting you down. No, you're right. I'm not saying this. But you sacrificed this. You slept with fat fucking James in his apartment smelling his fat fucking feet in his ass. Four and a half years. Which were worse than those Jews on the plane.

I didn't have a car. I took the bus for six years. I don't have a car. Sacrifice is. Three jobs. Go home for Christmas. Yeah. And I'm working at the Hollywood gym night shift.

It bothers me that nobody understands that. You know, I had a dear friend die three weeks ago. Not dear. No, no, no. It was a friendship that I loved it dearly and alcohol and mental health took to somewhere else. It's a very sad thing. I had a block around my phone. Yeah.

So I'm not going to sit here and tell you. You know, she was my best friend in the world. I had a block her over my phone. I got too many things in my life for you to be calling me 18 times on them on stage to break my fucking balls. And I got a little slack for it for not going to a memorial this week. Okay? But I also remember where these people came from.

These people moved to Colorado, to Los Angeles and the group. They went 15 deep out of Houston, Texas. But nobody wanted a sacrifice. They didn't want to sacrifice the most important things for the most important thing, the reason why you're here. Yeah. You know, before I got on stage Saturday night,

there was these great, funny guys, and they're like, hey, man, we brought your reefer, we brought you this, where we go and I go, I can't fucking go nowhere. I got a 545 flight to New York, and they're like, can't you call your wife and put it off a one? I guess, I told him, I go,

this has nothing to do with my wife. I don't give a fuck about my wife. This has to do with me. Because I got to, that means I gotta fly at 12 to get home at six. I'm not going to have any sleep. My kid. Plus, I got an audition Monday morning.

Right. You know, oh, no, I'm just going to steam it and get off the plane and go to CBS Radford. And after I stayed out with fucking people smoking dope and talking about nothing. Right. Because at the end of the day, that's what you're doing. It's talking about nothing. And I did this. I wasted that time for fucking 30 years.

I'm not going to sit here and get on a high horse and tell you, no, no, no, no. I wasted enough fucking time. But in this town. Once I took control of me, I always sacrificed. I made the biggest sacrifice. I looked at a five-year-old little girl one day in the park, and I told her that I'm really thinking of going away for a while, that I think it would be better.

She spit in my face, my daughter. My daughter had 27 years old. When I told her about my dream, she spit in my face on a bicycle. And that was the biggest sacrifice I made. I made the sacrifice to say, I'll give up my daughter to do something with my life. Okay? And then I came here. And while these people were all drinking early,

even though I was a junkie Coke fiend, I could hold off to 11, 30, 12. I remember you doing late nights out and being up. Call me once because you found something on the breakdowns. You were waking up early going over the breakdowns on your own. I was an animal. And I didn't go to weddings and I didn't go to wakes. And I didn't do a lot of things.

And I'm sure, I'm sure along the way, I disappointed a lot of people. Yeah. Because I didn't attend their wedding. or whatever function they had or because they had a party. You know, when this changed, it's because my head changed. Explain that. My head changed.

It snapped. You realize, but this happened way before Mercy. This was happening two years before I met Lee. Okay. It happened. I always sacrificed. Let's get something wrong. Yeah, you were always paying dues.

I always sacrificed. I sacrificed holidays. Let me tell you something. This weekend. when I went home and I saw my friends and I saw like Steve Avillo and Alan Pascual and and then fucking Carlos and Abe Garcia I realized something that yes I'm very happy out here but I'm very lonely out here yes they're a different type of breed this is what home is all about I agree with you I know exactly what you mean and I can't replace that somebody that

somebody that knew what you were at Halloween and second grade they remember where your house smelled like on a Sunday yeah you cannot replace that so I see all these guys and when I got on the plan I go that's what I sacrifice and don't get me wrong I made a lot of mistakes to force myself to leave there in a subtle way I wanted to leave there like I couldn't I was embarrassed I wouldn't ever became anything there I knew I had the same feeling but the sacrifice I had was to not to lose my friends to not have them in my life Timmy Holloway those type of people the weddings you missed the birthday weddings the birthdays the parties I missed all that

shit yeah so that was the first sacrifice I made then I sacrificed my relationship with my daughter. I knew when I got in that car and I left bold, I wasn't coming back and deep in my heart. I knew that I would just get in trouble there. I would just end up in a bad position there and it was time for me to cleanse myself of all that. And if this relationship's that prayed to God, I wanted to prove to her that I was worth something. The long term goal was bigger than the short term satisfaction. They say the secret to success is delaying gratification. And you know if you stayed there, you couldn't be the person you were proud of. Not at all. Not at all. So then you wanted to do something with your life to show her how much you really do love her.

That's what I'm getting from it. You got to do that sometimes. It was fucking real. Like it was just something that, you know, I sacrificed. I remember Josh Wolf, dear friend of mine, all those years had parties on cyanites with his family and Scott Wolf and all these other actors and the singers from the counting crows. That didn't mean anything to me. I was at the comedy store. You know what?

I had to get $50. So I would go down and do Felipe's room and then get to the comedy. me store for my 1145 on Saturday and then you know you sacrificed and I partied I'm not going to lie to you that but even though I partied I made my auditions I took care of things I you know I I took care of things the best I could yeah after I got off to Coke like in 2009 before I married Terry is where this came this picture became clearer to me that I even had a sacrifice more Like I had a sacrifice more Like I went to Weight Watchers

I joined karate with the brothers In 2007 I was going to I was four I was 380 when I walked in there I remember doing horse stances And my knees would fucking burn They would make you do these dragging stances Where you drag one foot

And kneel on this one I would have to go home Put two bags of fucking ice on my knees But I knew These were a little sacrifices How you had to get make to get to where I wanted to be. It was the weirdest fucking thing.

Was that just like an intuition that you had? I went back to my karate days. I went back to how successful I was when I attended karate. From the ages of six to the age of 15. Wow, you did it your whole childhood. Yeah, when I dropped out of karate was when I got left back in the seventh grade.

Mind, body, soul. That reconfirmed everything. So I knew for me to, get back to my mental state i had to pick a martial art i looked for a kempal school i couldn't find one so the best kept secret in hollywood was this guy this uh style of kung fu mixed with kempo the hawaiian kempa and it just made me get loose i just went to get my day started and i said i and i said to myself for me to do this and be successful nothing could take the place of this unless i'm picking up an envelope yes build your foundation so i was

I went back to the War of Art, the Art of War, whatever that book is. I went back to, if I'm not doing something good for me, I'm in the house writing and there's no resistance. The only way I could get out of Kung Fu is if I'm making money, or it's something to make money, not to meet somebody about a script. I find myself wasting so much time. Everything gets pushed back. Everything gets pushed back for this.

Nothing is as important to that, and I started with that. that if I could do it just on Mondays then I would go Mondays and Tuesdays and I wasn't on the road then so I would go three days a week by Friday my knees would be swollen then I popped a one knee and I got knee surgery and I went the way you know but you sacrifice so many little things along the way there was a lot of times yes I wanted to go meet Fabman and this guy and go get sandwiches and you don't do that anymore because that time is for writing now yeah and you know that time is dictated to writing. That's what that time is about. You know, after dinner, for about 35 minutes, I always go in and I look over the book. That's great. And I write two sentences.

And even though I want to sit there with my wife and watch World News Tonight, there's nothing on World News Tonight that's going to change my life anymore. The first 15 minutes are about Russia or something stupid. That's not going to do anything at all to me. But it's amazing that People think they're really going to get ahead in this life without making sacrifices. It drives me crazy. It drives me crazy. How you have to, you know what? Yes, on paper, wife is Monday through Friday.

Well, that's a great thought. That's a great fucking thought. That's a great thought. But when you're 44, you're going to find yourself $30,000 in credit card debt on a fixed fucking income. If you go 10, if you get a flat tire, you're done for the fucking. a month because you leave your credit cards just enough room for emergencies and all that shit and how do you know because it happened to me yeah when these nine to five motherfuckers especially from the ages of 20 to 35 unless you're making a lot of fucking loot there's no nine to

five in my world i don't understand that shit you know and again that's what i had to learn the hard way right you know what i'm saying those are the things that we think society no no no no you know when you're first training in your job remember you work Saturdays and it sucks when you're a kid yeah it sucks working Saturdays when you're a kid especially like going on a Friday night and drinking some vodka tonics and waking up hung up coming in a late to your house it sucks waking up when you're in the fucking a junior in high school to go sell paint or work at fucking foot construction site or something yeah it sucks but then you for a while you're young and you're a football fan you're like well I'll never work on Sundays well think again bitch

that shit's gonna sail pretty fucking soon you know especially in high school like those jobs you can get in high school i worked at a CVS i worked at a movie theater you have to be there early what about like i can't imagine start working at a coffee place we have to be there by like what three in the morning they open up this one here 430 the drive-thru opens wow so what how do you think people get there to open it 45 oh my turn all the buttons on yeah but you figure you're out of there by 10 if you're a student that's a sacrifice. But if you're a student, like you should be busy all the time.

Yeah. Like if you're a student, a real student, and you're putting yourself through or you have a couple loans and your parents are helping you, you gotta have a job. I would work at Starbucks from four to fucking,

and what do you sacrifice? Your stupid nightlife. It's amazing how you get the one puzzle piece and it makes other ones fall in line. Right and fucking fall in line. Because now you can't make as many dumb decisions because now you have the responsibility of being up really. All those things start to change your life. You get karate down and then your body starts getting stronger. Then

your mind gets stronger. It's all, it all right. And it's so weird because you'll say to yourself, well, I really can't do that because this is what I do on those days. And all of a sudden, you're like, you know what? Doing what I was doing didn't bring me anything. Yeah. Until you really started sacrifice. And then listen to a couple weeks ago, I missed a wedding of like a sister of mine. But you know what, man? I had to think about my time. I had to think about my age. I had to think about what was going on that Monday.

I had to meet them Sunday and discuss the pitch. The pitch was at 9.30 in the morning. I had to leave fucking a quarter of the six. I mean, there was so many things involved. I sacrificed the wedding. You know, I mean, it was always things like that with me that I would force myself not to do something. I would really enjoy.

Yeah. You know, you said something earlier, like it didn't hurt my feelings, but he said, like, people like Lee, I don't think understand what it is to sacrifice. And for a second, I was like, no, no, no, no. Your age. Right. And I understand that. Your age group. But like, but I started thinking about her. Like, there is a point, I think, every six months a year where you're like, I am sacrificing, but not sacrificing enough. So, like, well, like, you can take different things out, like the binge watching or just the new black. like nine episodes in a day that you can't do that anymore you can't no no no nobody nobody ever said that that's not a sacrifice that's a leisure and for you to entertain you have to entertain it's when you do that six days a fucking week right okay okay it's when you do that six days a week for me to sit on sundays and watch 60 minutes and what's the show with pete holmes Crashing. Okay, I watch crashing, I watch the show.

You know why I watch television on Sunday nights? I earned it. I did two podcasts. I traveled halfway across the country. I did five shows. I talked to 200 people per show. I took my pictures and I sacrificed three days without my family. When I get off that plane, I do the same thing every time.

I go to the room, I set up my sleep apnea machine. I throw my dirty laundry in the fucking hamper for my wife, so she doesn't have to see it. I put my suitcase away. I jump in the fucking shower. I go. I set the notebook up for the week. I know exactly what my schedule is going to be for the week. I answer a few emails and any unnecessary things I got to do.

I write out my thing and I'm going to sit in that fucking office the rest of the goddamn day. You need that. I earned that on Sunday. And even then I won't let myself do stupid things. I'll sit in the backyard with mercy and I'll kick the fucking soccer ball. And I'll watch fucking when I'll take a nap from two to four. And then when I wake up before, I watch an episode of Sunday anarchy. You have to do that.

Or I'll watch a New England Patriot game, a quarter. I'll call you and tell you. Yeah. I can't sit there if I didn't fucking earn it. And only you know when you earned it. I did two podcasts. I wrote fucking jokes. I went to Jiu-Jitsu twice.

I did a drill class. I drove Mercy to school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I picked her up Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I ate 2,000 milligrams on Monday. I ate 2,000 milligrams on Thursday. You know, I worked out in the hotel Friday and Saturday. It's incredible. I left the hotel room and went to the coffee shop and forced myself to write for an hour

and a half on both fucking days. Sunday, when I get off that plane, it's the same every fucking Sunday. If you call me on Sunday with a story about this or this, you're in no danger of me going. I cannot go to your fucking function or I'm not going to do a set because I did everything on that fucking checklist. That's the only way. When I watch TV, there's a footstool. It's to the side.

For me to get up my feet on that footstool, I got to work for it. That's great. I got to work for it. And that's it. And I don't think I've read it. I've heard about it. How the younger generation doesn't understand the sacrifice. You know, I just read this the other day.

Some of them, well, they were picking on millennials, which everybody fucking picks on. It's no fair. You know what I'm saying? But, no, everybody picks on fucking. millennials but millennials are young right so you don't call them millennials just say kids they're fucking 25 year old and i always ask myself joey what the fuck were you doing at 25 i wasn't doing what lee was doing i was selling cars and making seven grand a month but i was also snort an eight ball of coke and i could that a monkey on my back i couldn't control how uncontrollable it was

i put a machine into somebody and thought i was going to get away with kidnapping them and taking a kilo coke that's how delusional i was so i understand the 20s don't call them millennials don't do that to these fucking idiots when everybody's 25 they're fucking idiots yeah we're fucking idiots yeah we're fucking idiots yeah we accept that shit yeah i've said a thousand times the 30s and a clean up the mess you made in the 20s yeah playing the fucking simple so no lee i wasn't and and and well i was not insulting you at all i was comparing it to your age oh no and even if you even if you work to me because i there are things that i have to do and even even when you do on it,

I think there's a certain thing that you choose to do. I was thinking last week, I don't really have a hobby. And I know Jiu-Jitsu isn't a hobby. It's a sport. But we had things as kids that we did. And even though I'm not athletic,

like even if I, I still have to work out, but I should, I've been thinking about looking for something outside of what I do just to get my mind off. I think that'll be a good thing for it. I don't know why adults stop doing that.

adults stop doing what having some sort of hobby and I have to write it in but adults do have hobbies we just don't hang out or associate with people with hobbies there's guys that every Saturday they go on their motorcycles yeah and they meet for coffee they take a ride around in the park and they talk about a fishing people that golf and I can't tell you how very important it is and I learned how important it is the last three years I learned how important it is the last three years you get delusional. It's bad to be around the people you work.

You know, think about if you're a coal miner in Pennsylvania. I have nothing against coal miners and have nothing against Pennsylvania, but you're around the same people for the rest of your fucking life. When you're off work, how many bars are there in those towns? Four, you're either at one of them. You're talking about your boss. Yeah, you don't grow. You're talking about shitty mistakes that the foreman make.

Right. You're talking about how you should be a foreman. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's constant. but it's also a small town mentality. They call it. I don't call it that.

That's what they call it, a small town mentality. When you're here, from 1997 to 2004, I didn't want to talk to you if he didn't do what I did. I had no use for you as a human being. I was trying to learn everything I could as much as I could about this business and get as far as I could. I got so involved in it that I gained over a hundred pounds and didn't even see it. People get obsessed about this business stuff. You get obsessed. I got obsessed with the breakdowns.

I got obsessed on why I wasn't getting the things that everybody else was getting. I wasn't angry at no one. It's a big difference. I was angry until 2001. And then after that I became angry that I didn't think I was getting the things I deserved. But who the fuck was I didn't even deserve anything? You know what I'm saying? I balanced it out.

But I got so into what I did, which was 30 to 40 spots a month. That's incredible. 30 to 40 spots a month. You figure five a week at the store, whatever Rogan took me for, and all the Felipe and the fly and the Jeff Garcia and the Willie Bar Center rooms. What do you think an average comedian does here? Real spots? Listen, if they're doing two spots a night. six nights a week

figure it out who's doing that though build the Christa Leah yeah the girl the blonde Eliza

Eliza just to have that opportunity though you gotta be like on the top of the pile to get that stage time Tommy Easter could do 30 spots a week if you wanted to open mics

yep yeah you know you watch that show crashing people talk shit about the show crashing one thing it reminds me It reminds me of 94, 1993. It was a cold reality for me, what Pete's going through right now. You know, you got to bark on the side.

For me, it was you had to sell tickets at half price on the street. Doesn't change. The hustle didn't change. It just became something else. Yeah. So I would go to the comic strip. I would go to New York Comedy Club, and they give you a bunch of tickets and you have to sell them.

You know what I did? I kept all the money and never went back. You know me, Doug. I'm a fucking piece of shit. And I would keep a hundred dollars And I didn't give a fuck about the comics I don't need you people I'll do my work around you people

I'll come back and after I get an HBO special I'd never happen But you know It's never really changed So it's been reminding me And they kind of got it They really do have it Pete's doing a great job

I'll have to check it out them And I think that they have it You know the feeling the frustration Pete got divorced His wife cheat on him Because he's broke And he's kind of Ubats Yeah

Same thing like me and then you have no money and you're crashing on people's couches yeah you know he's just crashing on people's couches and on the way you meet different people i met duck stanhope i met that guy lead camp from new york that teaches stand-up comedy you meet different people along the path and and if they're real stand-ups they show you love yeah you can stay on my couch you know yeah you could you borrow my car yeah well i first came to l-a doug stanhope had a car you could just go over there and get in it that's great but that's great but that's the needle was broken so you always never knew how much gas was in that you never knew sometimes it didn't even make the gas station

sometimes didn't even make the gas station where's tony bennock second look this oh yes you see what i'm talking about so cute i want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart what's up dog you're doing good man somebody twice as Ready for another bong hit? No. Yeah, we got to do one more. I almost die. That's the good thing.

Thank you. That's the good thing. This is a great reef. Oh, shit. That's for you. It's perfect. It's green. It's tiny.

I know. Look at that. It's more. It's more. My issue is, that is too big. No, it's the weed you like. I feel I made it small for you.

Okay. Nobody gets their feelings. This is for the fucking spitz. April Fool's Day. You didn't even do a bong hit. I did too do bong hit. Not on April Tuesday. It was Saturday.

You were up in Lake Canaune, wherever the fuck you were. The Grand Canyon, by the way. He stayed an hour away from the hotel down the hill to save $15 bucks. Before I take the wrong hand. Here we go. Here we go. First of all, the hotel.

up there looked nice but a little bit older it was a little bit expensive so we stayed an hour away so we wouldn't have to be stuck with just maybe the hotel food options so but anyways the grand canyon was amazing listen you need a scam off of syrian the refugees head you understand me you called me to ask me if usually chinese buffet so all of a sudden now you care about food up to up the up to fucking it was next to a gas station so i couldn't do it but why can you stay next to a station I just not for a Chinese buffet and it didn't and I yelped it didn't have good reviews oh really you yelped it but I finally lied to you huh I tried rattlesnake though did you try rattlesnake it was delicious it was it was it was good but it was it was uh I tried like one

bite we would late the the restaurant even only puts it out in two ounces because they're like they're like they're like one bite and did your wife like it what does it taste like It was spicy, but I couldn't tell if there were scales still on it. But granted, granted, I had a couple stars in me because we were up with the Grand Canyon. I do the Bonkin area. So you're killing me. You're killing me? What am I doing?

Fucking rattlesnake. It never ends. It never ends. It never ends. Where'd you do this loft or the other place? The Grand Canyon? Oh, okay. I wouldn't know.

I do the Bonn place. Okay. What are you going to ever take me? Look at this. Come here, come here, come in, because I'm gonna strangle you. Come in. Come in. He's not gonna do it, right? Come here. I didn't do it. Come here. Stay right there. Bend over. Come here. Come here. Cook this, cook that motherfucker. Cook that motherfuckers. Cook that motherfucker. There you go. Like a soldier. There you go. Finish that thing. There you go. That's beautiful, that Reefer.

That's the shit that kills Steve's Roboto. You know, Steve's abode is? him my buddy Steve Simone he's Steve Simone give me the fucking thing will you I'm not gonna have some good

refra right there and shit no but that's what really kills me that I don't understand if people really know before what they get

themselves into I can't believe how many people show up and then don't want to do the work like you come all the way here you say you want to do

comedy you know how many people I've invited down to the comedy store open the mic on a Monday explained everything to them

and they never come back. They'd come back six months later. Yeah, I'm thinking about getting back into it. Do you know how many people that went? See, I got here in 97 with you. From 96 to, oh, about 2002 people, the networks would give you a thing that's called developmental deal. Mm-hmm.

Okay. A developmental deal meant you were hot. The network called you and said, we'd like to speak to Steve Simone. Steve Simone would show up. He would pitch him an idea. They'd say they'd love it. They'd come that Thursday and want you to do stand-up.

And next thing you know, you'd anchor deal for a TV series based on your stand-up. That's unbelievable. It was a year deal, for example. First, you got to find a showrunner at Jizz is with you. Then you got to find the writer that Jizz is with you, in between whatever project he has. And then you've got to write the pilot. And you get your money and levels.

So let's say it's like a $250,000 deal You get 100 down And another 50,000 When the pilot's done Then you pick up another 50,000 When the pilot's shot And you pick up another 50,000 When the pilot is aired

Wow So it all goes in levels People all get different developmental deals People just get a flat fee And you have a year or two Develop your own show I think that's a tough part about We're living and working here

but not being on the talent side because like the money that's thrown around and that you hear, not even for development deals, but just like someone took up paid $20 million. I remember in high school, Will Smith was getting $20 million a movie. And just to hear that and like,

what are you talking? Like that's not even, you can't even really fathom that number. $20 million. Do you know what you have to produce to be valued at $20 million worldwide. I have no idea. That's like Tom Cruise money.

That's like, you know, that's when you sell records worldwide. That's where you put asses and seats like a Tom Cruise, like a Will Smith. Worldwide. You know, you make that company $500 million on your $20 million investment. Right. You know, but that's just you. They also have to.

do marketing and shoot the film and all the production movies you know something like Robert De Niro was a phenomenal actor nobody goes to the movies to watch anymore unless you like the art of acting so Robert's not getting $20 million he can probably wipe

the fucking flaws with Will Smith but it really doesn't matter you know David Tell is a phenomenal fucking comedian but if young kids don't like him right nobody goes to see him he could eat every comic's working lunch today you follow me even on his bad night yeah he's amazing but that's just the way

life is I really don't like that stat like the how much money the movie makes I really rather it'd be how many tickets it's old because they I honestly think they raise ticket prices just to set records just to be like they can say it they said hit a billion dollars it's great way it's like revenge I could either hit you in the head blow up your car the result is the same you know what I'm saying Yeah. I'm in the revenge business. Shut the fuck up.

They don't care many tickets. It's the money. What's the general cost? Now, that also includes with a comedian. Remember, Ralphie came on here. Ralphie said that he signed with his manager. The manager pulled him out of all the improvs for a year. Just kept him out of the improvs.

And then he found out through the IRS what the people were making for real, and the real books. not what they tell you that they made at the door, but what you made selling food and what you made the real GPR. So his manager attacked that number. You know, there's some people that don't have the talent

you have Steve Simone, but they have a better manager. Yeah. He negotiates a better deal. And one day... You sound like Mickey and Rocky right now. I know how to manage that. Yeah, it's the same difference.

It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same difference. You know, it's the same difference. He can have a manager for you to jump out. that window in that movie they'll give you $200 for him to jump out the same window and do the same stunt they negotiate $8,000. Absolutely right. Yeah they don't fucking know you never fucking know so it's it's it's for you to pay will smith 20 million dollars is because you got to get 10 times

your investment back on will smith after all costs and everything there's no wrong how many of write-offs has will smith had the last 10 years the one movie not with the black kid not when he was a whiz with his kid. Yeah, the happiness one. Yeah, there was just maybe one movie that he didn't do well with, you know, but all his movies do well. Yeah, that dude's consistent. Remember, if they don't do well here, they do well

internationally, that's where your money is. That's where your main paper is. Just because, you know, how many times have you heard Mickey Rock is huge in France? Yeah, you know, he's huge in France. Like, who the fuck? What was the guy from... Jerry Lewis? No, Hasselhoff. In Germany, he was

fucking huge. He was worth, you know, it's not for the American audience sometimes. It's basically for the fucking international audience. Yeah, Will Smith went dark for a little bit, kind of, not really, but like he was really busy. And then between like, he did like one movie a year, 06, 07, 08. And then he didn't do anything for four years until 2012. But he's, uh, he's always been good. Okay, let me explain something to you. That's called strategy. that's called I'm going to get $20 million a movie. I could do three movies in one year and two of them,

other three could bomb, and then I lowered it down to $7 million. Right. Or I could do it once a year, come up with a good script, have my agents show up with something good that'll do well here and great internationally.

I have to jump off a few buildings. I'm going to have to eat some steroids, get a dog, whatever the fuck it is. That's called the smarts of it. You know, let's talk about Will Farrer. And the other guy.

He was hot than hell 10 years ago. John Favreau's friend, Steve Burns. Oh, yeah, Vince Fawn. There's a time when they put him in every fucking movie. Yeah. And you sat there, kept saying, when is this going to end? What is this going to end?

You know? Nobody could tell you what movies to take and what movies you can't take. But you in your head should know that the more you throw against the wall, something's going to stick. Yeah, percentage-wise. People talk bad about Adam Sandler.

No, it bothers the fuck on me because they don't know how great the guy he is, but you can't be 100% all the time, and you can't release two movies a fucking year and expect for all of them to bring, win the Oscars. So sometimes you have to be a little smarter

than that. Same applies to comedy. The same applies to advertising on television. The same applies to how long people want to see you over and over and over again. You get over exposed. I don't do Periscope every day. It's not necessary. I'm not fucking Brad Pitt. Nobody needs to see my fucking face every

fucking day, but I know this going in. There's people who get on Periscope every day and overstay they're welcome. It's the same thing with movies. If you do three movies a year in today's market where I have so much entertainment. So many options. So many options. Every time I release a movie, they can't make $138 million. I'm going up against film, TV, Netflix, Shroom Text, Babuck, Tacks, Hulu, Twitter.

I'm going up against everything. I think that's what I think it's smart What he did what he did With signing with Netflix Because is it not It's about International and like you said

And about streams Just to talk about Adam Sandler for a second I watched Happy Gilmore last night So good Fucking hilarious Hilaric Carl Weathers hand

Kills me every time And the fucking thing about Adam Sandler was that I couldn't watch this guy Until I met him And after I met him Was when I watched like Mr. Deeds I loved all that thing I watched

Happy Giles or more. Once I watched all that shit, I got to understand who he was and I really appreciated who he was. And now, like, the other day, somebody wrote, people writing shit to him on Twitter. They surprised me nuts.

Like, the other day, somebody wrote, he got a deal last week, didn't he? He re-up with Netflix. If I, if I'm... And people were insulting him, and I'm like, you have no idea who this guy is. What happened was, they went to the well, a little bit too much. That genre of funny.

You know, when Adam Sandler doesn't do his movies, he's fucking tremendous. Adam Sandler can... Oh, what was it, a punch drunk glove? Yeah, Punch, drunk. He was so good in that. Well, Adam Sandler can rock with the best of him. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you.

I was there with him. I saw what he could do. I saw his sense of humor. And I also saw the attraction and how he made you laugh. And he's so likable. On the movie, the first couple of years, I couldn't look at Adam Sandler

for 10 seconds I wanted to throw that. And when people would go, I like Adam Sandler, I would stop talking to them. I would stop talking to him. When I met that man and I saw him on the set and I saw him work, I was like, God damn, like that's how free. He was so free and I admired him so much for that.

And listen, so what? I don't get invited to his Christmas party so no more. No what, he hasn't put me in his last 10 movies. I can't hold any of that to him because what he did for me on the longest yard, he went above and beyond for me. I'll never, ever forget that to the grave. never forget just getting to hang out with you one day on said it was the greatest best field

trip i've ever been on oh my god i'll never forget that so i respect them but it's the same thing man you can't fight three times a year right donald sarone learned that this year you cannot fight three times a year and there's you have to ask yourself the why and the how i got an offer today from san diego i'm gonna tell you guys the truth these people wanted me to charge 55 bucks for tickets VIP seating, 35 for general admission, and $20 for 200 people to stand. And I told them to take that deal

and shout it up their ass. Good for you. They were like, are you serious? I'm like, I would never charge. I don't give a fuck. What is wrong with people? Yeah. But then people can't realize

what happens because we get talked into stupid shit, we get led down wrong streets. I see it coming from every direction. That's how they get you is with the money. And you start looking at the money going 55 hours I don't care about these people. It's like I've been getting hit the last couple weeks.

I'm at that fucking Turner Hall. But when you click on Turner Hall on fucking Yahoo to get tickets, all these fake websites come on. They're charging $216 for tickets to go see me. At a fucking theater. So people sending me these tweets. So I had to finally go to the fucking thing. And it's no, it's $20 a seat, $25 a seat.

I would never charge. but these fake ticket agencies that're buying tickets and sell them for $216 fucking dollars like scalpers or some shit on their fake sites I would never do that I would never do that at all

that's what I've got a good heart no not because I have a good business it's good fucking business yeah but they go hand in hand sometimes there are comedians that charge a hundred fucking dollars for you to go see them I don't care how funny somebody is I refuse to pay a hundred dollars to go see somebody

I think what happens is people get caught up people that maybe did make those sacrifices you were talking about and then somewhere along the line they go well I deserve it right now it's my turn but they don't think of that long term success like you said take care of your fans it takes forever to get fans appreciate them take care of them that's it and then you can stay in business forever it's the way I look at it keep on writing new stuff be nice to people and that's it who knows if it's true but when I uh there was a story over the weekend that Mike Tyson charges a couple hundred dollars to have a picture with him. And you can do whatever you want, and, and, and, and, and, and, but that just seems,

that goes both ways. That goes both ways. Because how many people stop Mike Tyson? Yeah. Right. Does he charge the 200 of private functions when he does a speaking engagement? Probably. Walk into him right now in the street

At Rouse and I go, Mike, let me hook up with a picture of you. Dude, he was at the comedy store one. He seemed so cool. It was ridiculous. Yeah, he seemed so cool. That's whatever story is, that's what every story I've heard.

Is that maybe it is for those events, but those, like, have you ever, have you been approached to go to those picture signing events, Joey? Years ago, when the longest yard came out

and I refused. I refused. I refused. I don't see that. I don't want to do that. There's nothing in my heart. I don't want to do any of that stuff. Is that a normal feast?

Steve, do you think? I don't know. I'm not trying to start a beef with my type. Years ago. Years ago, I heard a comedian's charging $10 for a picture. No. There's two ways to attack this. I came up with a comic that didn't want the audience to see him

until you want on stage. You know, and he explained to me why, because you want to be bigger than them and i get it i get it but in my world i'm not bigger than them right so you know there's a lot of things that big-time comics do to make their appearance seem a little bigger than what they are right and it work for them it doesn't work for me i appreciate getting ten dollars a headshot i could you know when i got to catch a three 30 a m flight and there's three people 30 people online i'm there for an hour talking to them, it would be great to get $10 a person and get an next to $300.

Yeah. What would the $300 do for me besides insult these poor people? Yeah. What would the $300 do to insult? You know what? If I asked them on the way out to give me $10 a piece, they give it to me. Yeah. People that listen to the church, when they come to a show on the way out, if I go, I need $10 or they need to buy weed, they give it to me.

Yeah. You're going to charge these people. There's little things that people do. That would turn me off completely. I stopped going to a restaurant because they don't clean the windows. I look at the weirdest things, you know. Right. I know if this person's a businessman, or I know if this person's a fucking joker.

By the treatment. When people get their cars fucked up, I always tell people go to Marco. Yeah, but go to Marco. Go to Marco. I don't go to Marco. You're never going to be treated like that in your life. Yeah. Now, he's Russian, Armenia.

They get the bill. They get it sent through. You know how sometimes we have to call your insurance and get it approved. Go ahead, get the car. I'll get it approved. I'll make them an offer they can't. I mean, like I said, he got me a battery in my car. A year later, a year later, I told my battery was that he came all the way up here

to Comston Street when I used to live over there and he fucking put the battery in my car. Wow. From Glendale. Takes care of people. That's customer service. That's the greatest thing. It's gone in our society. It's gone in our society.

I just sent him my buddy, Donnie. And Donnie goes, I can't believe Joey what this guy does. He's saving me by deductible. It's amazing. It's like my tax guy I send everybody to. He takes care of you. That's Rick. This guy that went to jail.

His buddy. Great. He keeps sending all these guys to a prison. It's not the same guy. No, but they're guilty to association. Birds of a feather flock together. If your friend went to jail, you're fucking close by. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, my God. Keep it up, buddy. Keep it up. Going like, say $3,000. Okay. Wait till you're writing me from Dave Foley sell over there. Day Foley. Yo, the Dave Foley sweet and shit.

Man, they don't have no, no, no, no hummus in here. Because there's no hummus in prison. The only hummus you get is if you're blowing Arab. That's the only hummus you get. And you get no nachos. There's no nachos. It's just straight up fucking hummus juice. I don't want to know how you get nachos.

No, there's nachos, but you're not going to get those chips. There's not going to be any ah, uh, in there. Fucking hilarious. Great to see you, Steve Simone. I love you, Joey. What else is going on in your life, God's second. Getting ready to do a U.S.O tour. When are you leaving?

May. How long? I think two weeks. Steve Byrne. I don't know where we're going yet, but it's like, you know who Gary Cannon is? He's a great guy. Gary Cannon. He's talking up for Ralphie Mae.

Yes. Yeah, great guy. Steve Byrne and Bill Crawford out of Pittsburgh, who's fantastic. Steve Cannon opens up to Steve. Byrne a lot. Yeah, Gary Cannon, yep. I think Steve, uh,

Steve, uh, special coming out next week. He does. On what? You know what it is? Let's give him a shout out. He's a great guy.

Want to look it up, Lee? I was going to contact him, but I don't think I had time from him. I have somebody tomorrow already. And I think his special comes out of the sixth or something like that. So he's a great guy. He's a family.

He's a church family. So if you love Steve Byrne, give him a shout out. He's a fucking great guy. He is. What's name of the special? His fourth special. Tell the damn Joe.

is on Showtime, April 7th at 9 p.m. So that's Friday night. Showtime. Taping, he's a good fucking dude. So hopefully you'll be shooting your special soon with the little grace from God. Well, let's hope so. Prayers good answers.

Hopefully you'll do it the right way. That'd be great. That would be amazing. No, man. I just noticed that lately that these people really bothered me last week. These people really fucking bothered me last week with this gathering

because they kind of in a way made me feel bad for doing what I do. And ever since this girl lived in L.A., she always had these drunk parties, and I never went to one of their parties. I loved them daily. I appreciate it. I always put my work before it. As much as I wanted to do Coke,

and as much as I knew one of them would do Coke with you and suck your dick, I knew all these things about these type of parties. I always put stand-up before it. I always avoided them. You're on a mission. And little by little. But this was 10 years ago I avoided these people.

This was 15 years ago even then when I was deep in the blow. Yeah. I know that there was no future, you know, hanging out with these people. Yeah. As much as I loved them, it was the same stories over and over again. But there were two places of people in the city. The people that do that, just party, that want to hang out and go to the beach and have fun all the time. And then there's people that are like, I got something to prove.

There's something I want to do. There's something I want to accomplish. Is there something wrong with that attitude, though? is there something wrong with it Lee I know you have a little bit of an issue with it Lee I don't have an issue with it it's yeah you do I look okay

it's growing up you just your soul is this image of nine to five sleeping getting bagels on Saturday like I don't know

I don't even know where I get it maybe from movies who knows where that stupid image you can't come from and sometimes I like when I'm thinking about the hobby thing I'm like I thought you were going to be a little bit more negative about it because you're so I've never met anyone who can go for so long and so hard

and not feel burnt out maybe you do feel burnt out and you just work through it I don't know but it's like I was thinking I don't know if I've had a day off this year in reality, which is good. I do have a much more free schedule.

I'm not trying to complain. But it's a taxing schedule to get used to after five days a week at school, not really having to work super hard, getting A's and B's, usually. What fuck are you talking about A's and Bs?

That went out the window when you fucking got your diploma. I'm talking about life. I know. So, yeah. You went to college and you worked through college and now you pay half your loans and you know you help your parents and stuff like that. You've sacrificed in a lot of ways. I think that and this podcast is not about Lee or anybody else. I'm just talking about sacrifice.

I think that when I first met Lee, the first six months I had a problem with Lee's. But it wasn't that I had a problem with Lee. Lee didn't really know. if I look back at it today Lee didn't really know how the game was played we thought that there's running a charity out there that you do this and this is what happens

and there's two ways you could do this there's the wrong way and it's the fucking wrong way you know I found that listen you don't think I wanted to smoke coke and be the life of the party when I was 28 I wanted to give it to me or if it wasn't given to me I took it

I'm not going to say to you and lie to you If I wanted to party on a Thursday night And there was gonna be bitches there And I wanted to try to impress these losers Right I would fuck Steve Simone Omen Give me an 8 ball I'll have the money back tomorrow

Joey I need the money tomorrow Because I got a cop I bought it from my brother The dentist Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I didn't give a fuck about you I'll go out there if I sell 200 hours I'll sell 200 dollars

If I snort it all I'll snort at all And if not He ain't getting shit tomorrow You know I'll deal with Steve He'll call me a thousand times I'll duck him till Tuesday Tell him I got arrested

It's just so weird But when I first met Lee He didn't know He had no idea He didn't know when we went to New York And I'm like Lee Had the microphone ready He thought

You know there was a lot of things That Lee Lee had never been around these things I tell Lee all the time That this is a value of education he's getting He told me himself That he's worked with a lot of other people On podcasting

And they don't understand it. They don't understand it. People don't really understand what they need to do today. It's true. People don't know the intensity that you have to go at something if you want it. You might catch a break, and it may be given to you a little bit too prematurely. Yep. But you're still going to have to go back and do the work. Yeah, there's no shortcuts. I saw it, Margaret Cho, Tom Rhodes, and George Harald, God bless his soul.

They all got TV shows given to them right after the explosion. of Roseanne Barr and Seinfeld. And would these guys quit? No, they didn't. They still do stand them, except for Geraldo, God rest of soul. I learned a lot from Tom Rhodes and from Margaret Chow.

They didn't let that TV show cancellation stop. It was just a bump in the road. A lot of people, that affects. That affects. They're never the same again. When you see them, their attitudes a little different. They blame it on the network. They were racially biased. Margaret made some,

chatter about racially biased or whatever, but she dropped that shit. It wasn't even worth the chatter. Wasn't even worth the chatter. Yeah, because it's a long-term career. It's like if you have a hot show or nothing happens with this show, you still want to do this for the rest of your life. You know, like Ray Romano had one of the most successful shows ever, but he's still doing stand-up.

Seinfeld's still doing stand-up. Does Ray Romano still do stand-up? Yeah, he did a charity show for us last year. Yeah, it was his first time ever at the comedy store. It was great. He was such a nice guy, and he talked about it. shooting the show in New York. I forget what show it was.

But he started popping into the cellar. And he was saying how much he enjoyed working stuff out with the comedy club audiences. Oh, he was working on that music show. Yes, exactly. He was working on a music show or something like that. Yeah. And he was talking about how he loved popping into the clubs again because he was in New York comic. He was like, I never really cut my teeth.

He was like, I moved to L.A. to do TV. And he was like, by that point, I was just doing casinos and corporate gigs. But he's still doing all that stuff. Once you're a stand-up, I think you're always a stand-up. That's it. I love it more now than I did when I started. I just don't have the ability to do what I was doing when I started. Like, when I come back next week, I'm not doing the big clubs anymore.

I'm gonna go on a fucking bar tear again. I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays and go to little bars and start from scratch. I need to come up with a new hour when I'm not gonna come up with it at the comedy store. I'm not going to come up with it. The end problem. I'm not going to come over. So you want to be off the map a little bit? Off the map.

Okay. I'm going back to the ha-ha. I'm going to do these other physical room close to the house on Tuesday nights. There's another one on Thursday. I'd love to hit any of those rooms. And maybe just hit the store once a week. Like I hit it on Saturdays during Brian Monarch show to see where I'm going with the material. But I'm not going to grow up in a comedy store because I've got to keep doing a material to keep up with the masses.

Yeah. So I can't do this. I have to go back to when I first... I'd like to shoot a CD a year from now, tape a new special. But the only way I'm going to tape this special is to take it back to roots. That's cool.

I take it back to little rooms and shit, you know? You go to the comedy store main room, you got to ham it up. I got to ham it up in the original room. Right. And I'm too old to be hamming it up during the week. I expect it, you know, and I'm not complaining. Right.

I'm saying that I wanted to, I want to go somewhere Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, where I don't need that pressure. I don't have that. The comedy store. If I had a place right now tonight that we could go to 11 o'clock, I'd be there. Even if there was eight people, I would be there. The same thing goes for Tuesday. The same thing goes for Wednesday.

I would be there in a heartbeat. But it's not the way things turn out. You know, this week I got to shoot this thing, this TV show. So I'm pretty sad. Congratulations on that. Yeah, hey, listen, man, this is 20 years of, I don't. Don't get work like I used to. Let me give some shoutouts.

Angel Adorno. Jeff Collins, David Tamo, Ben Augusto, Anthony Sabito, Matt Holmeyer. I'll see you on Milwaukee Cocksucker. Chris Tent and my man Garnett. Onuschuk. This guy was here last week. I love Garnet.

He's great. From Canada, dude. He's a bad dude. Garnett is over there hanging himself right now. He's thinking of disconnect of his internet. He just wants to move to L.A. I don't blame him. I don't blame him.

He's so cool. I can't get him out of them before. How many years have you been here for now, Steve? September will be 17. And what do you think? Did you sacrifice a lot for your country? I don't know if I could do it over again is the truth. I really don't know if I had the, I don't know if I was, yeah, I sacrificed enough.

I don't know if I could do it again, but I'm very grateful for all of the opportunities I've had because of the sacrifices. When I think about going, like, I've been to Afghanistan on the front lines, making people laugh. I've been bedside at Children's Hospital with kids through the worst things life can know. Just comedy brought me all those great experiences. So for that, I'm grateful. It's funny when you watch crashing, like, I was in New York for nine months. And when I watch Pete Holmes, there's a part where the girl says to him, you know, so how are you making a living? And he goes, I'm not.

I'm just having the best time in my life. And I can look at both you guys and think about that time of my life and how much fun I was having being broke. Stealing change from cars in the service department. I'm selling cars at. It was a fucking journey every day. I would have to get up at 6 to take the 7 o'clock bus because my friend's dad drove that bus and he let me on for free.

It's great. You know, $2.0.0.50 cents. I would get $2.50. With that $2, I get like a juice and a buttered roll. Right. But it's hard to believe that I would say I would get up two hours earlier just to be able to eat. To eat.

A buttered roll and fucking juice, a freshly squeezed orange juice. It's insane. It's fucking crazy. And I'd do it again, Steve Simone. I would do it again. I just don't know if I could. I think back to this like Fat James. You're Stevie Z.

Remember him? Stevie Z kicking me out of the apartment. If you and Paul I got into a big fight tonight and you felt bad and you gave half the money in your account, which you're looking at me and you'd rather put it.

I have to feel, I don't know what I'd do. You would probably hara-keery yourself before you give somebody money. That's when you stick a knife in your stomach and cut yourself sideways, God forbid me. I don't know what life I'd use. I'm just saying to you, you know, what have you married, Paula?

and you got a child and you got to an argument with her because you went on the road with us and stayed out too long and she took the kid to your mother's and she took half of your account and now she's going to take your credit cards max them out

I didn't smell nothing now she maxes them out and now you're a depressed guy would you go for what you dreamed of a long time ago or would you continue doing what you were doing Lee? I mean when you have

nothing to lose. That's when you go for it in your life. Yeah. You know. I mean, do you mean I would, do you mean I would keep doing this or when I go back to editing? No, no, no, no, no. Like, I'm talking about like in Pete Holmes situation.

That show crashing. Right. Him and his wife break up. He gets into comedy full steam ahead. You know, he's sleeping. I mean, when I tell you the story sometimes, you look at me like with three eyes. like getting to Michigan early and having to sleep in your car

in a car and to me it was so liberating to get out of the car in the morning and stretch out in the sunlight and walk into a place at six bucks and hope you get breakfast just hope you get breakfast and hope it came out opens at 10

so you could bring back a pair of car mats and get $26 so you can eat a subway veggie and cheese and get $10 worth of weed that's what I'm talking about Lee. The rent it's the fourth third of the month. You're going to pay the rent on the fifth.

As far as Mays rent, Lee, it's the farthest thing from your mind. You're not even thinking about it. Right. Your car is parked over at Steve Simone's garage because you're two months late with the payment and you can't leave it on the street because you know they're hunting for it. Do you know what that lifestyle is like in a way?

No. Oh, and then to top it off, you're going to close an open mic. that's only going to have eight people and you're going to close the show at 1245 but at 11 o'clock the room empties out of it so you have no idea

the frustration and the fucking horror I lived in. I would drive a limo and sign up in your old triple and a 10 and they would go come back at 2.30 like definitely and then you come back at 2.30 and they're like maybe another hour

and you're like oh my God And I got a Coke rock in my pocket. It's burning a hole in that motherfucker. And all I want to do is crack this two stupid jokes I wrote from the Judy Carter Workbook so I could go home and blast off to Columbiaville. You have no fucking ideally. I was paying grandma.

I was sending child support trying to snort Coke, trying to fucking buy clothes. And I tell you what, guys, here's this ad thing. I can't lie to you guys. I was making money. When I think about those busted times in 93, I was paying 365 a month for child support. I was probably paying 300 a month rent. Everything else was me eating out and my cocaine habit.

Those were the two nuts I had. I buy groceries for the house once a week, maybe 60 bucks. So my nut was 1,800. I was making 800 a week delivering sandwiches, my friend. Wow. From 10 to fucking 2.30. Ashways. And then I'd go into the city and do whatever the fuck else I had to do.

I was making $30,200 base. And I was still struggling. How fucking crazy is that? Because I was buying $20 a weed a day. And $35 of cocaine every day. Add that up 55 times 30. That's a lot of fucking money, dog. Wow.

Once in a while, I would buy a pair of sneakers. Once in a while, I would buy two pair of pay. I worked in the city. So I would walk past those outlets and just buy two pants for 15 bucks. Fuck it, I'd buy a six pack of white socks. Good to go. Why buy underwear? Who needs them?

It's a necessity you don't need. That $5. $5.5.000 I could use it for something else. $1,600 or $16,000? $1,600 a month. That was my drug habit. Five times your rent. And that's without my fucking tolls and food I ate when I went to cop drugs.

That's crazy. That was my struggle, doing drugs and struggling open mics. But you know what? I'd do it all over again. That roommate I had, till this day, I haven't written anything about those days. And those are some of the best. I was living in such pain then because I had lost my daughter. I knew I was in a loser.

I thought at this time I was going to go back to Boulder and be a father and everything would be forgiven. But that was just a delusional mind fuck. But at the time, I lived with Georgie. I just went to Chance dragging him with him on Thursday. And every time I look at him, I think about those nine months and how me and George have been friends for 40 years, but with two different animals now. I love him dearly because of three or four different time periods of my life. He plugged the hole like a brother. That's great.

I mean, he plugged the fucking hole. But that heroin, those nine months of heroin, or some of the funniest times I ever saw in my life. and it was watching somebody else deteriorate, but he didn't care about himself. So I would just torment him. I would torment him, and he would torment me too. Don't get me wrong. But every night I knew he wanted shoot out.

I knew he had a certain look on his face. He'd be dying to shoot up. But it was me, him, and his grandmother. And his grandmother knew he was a filthy junkie. So she would watch him like a fucking hawk at night. And he would play it out like everything was cool and a suit, I mean, dog, Grandma's door wouldn't go,

and he was already dodging to the bathroom to shoot heroin. Wow. And I'd give him like five minutes, and then I tipped out, and they had a gong in the hallway, and I'd hit the gong and go back to bed, and she'd come out, what the fuck was that? And then she'd look in the room and go, where's George? And I don't know.

And she'd run to the bathroom and bang on the door. George, I know what you're doing in there. And he'd be shooting up and shit, and then he'd come back and go, You couldn't talk to the fire. And I'd say, like, I don't know what happened. She went right to the door. I would torment him, dog.

I would torment him every fucking night. How did he get over it? He went to jail. He went to jail. He told the judge, just drove me in jail because I'm never going to get clean. He had already gone to 20 rehabs. But it was those nine months with him.

I had just gone through a divorce. I was going to war with these people. And I went back home. And I actually went back home. Like it was the first time I lived at home in eight years, but I needed to go home. I needed to walk those streets again. Yeah.

I needed to remember who the fuck I was, and if I was going to get into comedy, I really needed to remember who I was, you know? That's a good point. So it was, uh, but I look at George now and I laugh, because I think, I still remember him accusing me of robbing his bus pass.

And me going, George, I ride the bus for free every fucking day. Why would I rob your bus pass? Because I know you did it. You ride, you know what he used to do in those days? He moved. He moved rocks at the park. Two days a week, three hours.

He would move rocks with a thing, and they'd give him 140 hours a week in a bus pass because he was a junkie. He was on a junkie program in Cliffside Park, and that's what you do, like get a junkie out of the house program, so you go out to the park, you sweep a little bit for three hours, and they give you a buck for you in the methadone cart, and a bus card, and the syringe.

I'm not kidding. He had this program down. Two days a week, I think it was six hours a day, And the government gives you a little money. It's called the Momo program or something. I'm sure that's the official program. Oh, yeah. Yeah, now today he's doing well.

He has his own. He's partners on a frame company, and he raises his daughter, and he lives his grandma. Grandma's still alive. I was over the other night. George, Lee met Grandma. Racist is as fuck. She's telling me Fidel Diedin's California. She's 91 now, though.

And she tells me she's 100. And five. She's like, I'm 105, grandma, you're fucking 91. Pretty interesting shit. Like, what, this journey? You're right. The sacrifice was really worth the journey. It was the journey, absolutely.

And would I do it again? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, I would do this all over again. The suffering was definitely worth it. The only thing I wouldn't do again is do it on addiction. Right. I wouldn't do it an addiction. That's the only thing I suggest.

but I suggest the struggle and the fucking The struggle is what I think It gave me just more compassion for people You know what I mean Like the more I suffered The less I wanted to see anybody else suffer When they were going through it

I could see it You know like even the young comics up at the store Like tonight I'm gonna go up there And I'm just gonna listen You know sometimes you just show up and listen You know what I mean? That's the best That's the absolute best they need it

Sit in the back and watch the comedians Yeah And then they come up to it You learn a ton You learn a ton watch people. I just, I loved it. I loved when I lived in Hollywood and I get a spot like at 1130 and you go at 9.30, smoke a little dope and just sit in the back when it used to be empty. Yeah. I'd sit all the way in the back with a baseball hat on, so nobody would know me. I wasn't

stealing jokes. I was just watching and learning. Yeah. That's it. You can learn from anybody in comedy. You can learn from an open micer. You can learn from a feature act. You can learn from a headline. That's a great thing about comedy. Every time I watch, you can learn from an open micer. You can learn from an headline that's a great thing about comedy every time i watch comedy close enough three or four days it could be fucking tommy easter yeah it could be steve simone it could be joe rogan it could be burr crash i learned something i think that was part of mitsy's genius oh it's always funny tremendous it's always funny come on there's the philadelphia report what the fuck but i was saying i like to go up there and just be there for the other comics

listen to what they're going through you know the kids in the struggle see what i could do to out my new things I feed them make pizzas or Ziti or something because bringing food up to the comedy store it's like bringing fruit to a home and shelter I have the same compassion at the comedy store I look at those guys and I give them the utmost respect

they're the new Marines yes I'm that fat old fuck with the crew cut that comes around and says you guys don't know nothing I was here when Eddie Griffin was doing four hours and then Dice would follow him to do two hours you know I feel like that guy I feel like the old guy in full metal jacket.

And I just annoy Lee and all the other 28-year-old. Everybody loves you. That's him. I'm full metal jacket and that's Lee. This ends with Lee pulling the gun on me, shooting me and shooting himself in the bathroom. What was his name? What was that? Private Pile?

Yeah. Private Pile. What is in your lunchbox? A Jelly Donut. That is one of the funniest scenes in movie history. When he goes, when he goes, Gomer Pyle. What's his, what he called? Go see if they got donut scene and full metal jacket.

That's Lysa. Is that Vincent Donofrio? That's Vincent Donofia. That turn he makes in that. No, no, no, no. He's, listen, that got you frightening. Every time people, like, what do you think? Do you want to hire Finstanoffia?

Remember full metal jacket? You got a point. So good. Yeah, hire. You remember that scene, Lee? That's you. I believe so. That's you.

When he finds a donut. Somehow I don't think this is very complimentary. What the fuck is this? There are two scenes in there that till this day, Doug, I still fall off the couch. When he asks, when he says, Jesus, you know, married Jesus and Joseph, and he starts smacking him and beating them up, that is one of the funniest scenes. I'm going to go back and watch that and above the law tonight. The good thing about these two movies is you don't have to watch the whole movie.

With this shit, you just have to watch. I remember this movie freaking out a little bit. After he shoots himself. Yeah. And after that, the movie blows. Once the hooker says me so horny, you're like, okay, I've had enough. Really? Look at that face.

It is like two different movies. It is like two different. With the jelly donut. Is this it? Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's Lee. Like what? Now, I'm the old guy and that's the league.

Go ahead. Put that on. Watch this. Oh, yeah. Stop that blister. Private pie. Why is your foot locker unlocked? That's together.

Let's just say if there's... It sounds like the phone calls. People won't record. Because you were hungry. Oh. That's how I feel. You people have not given private piles the poop. From now on, whenever private pile fucks up, I will not punish him.

I will punish olive. For one jelly donut. Now get on your faces. And this cold-blooded shit. I put the first pile saved when he... You could stop this. I don't any time now. That guy was the real deal, right?

That was a real drill instructor. Click him just back to, and see if we see it on that scroll. Jelly done the scene. Fucking hilarious. Right there, right there, that one. That was, do you believe in the Virgin Mary? That's a good one too. That's just, this is fucking hysterical this part right here.

You imagine, that's me. Waking you up a four in the morning and torturing you. I can live for this shit. He would be the best to- I live for this shit. I live for this shit. I have a cowboy, private Joker. Sir, yes, sir!

As soon as you finish your bumps, I want you two turds to clean the head. Sir, I, sir! I want that head so sanitary and squared away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in there and take a dump. Sir, yes, sir! Private Joker, do you believe in the Virgin Mary?

I hurt you for it. I just have. back hands. This is the barbecue and conversation we have. Now you do love the Virgin Mary, don't you? Sir, negative, sir!

Private Joker, are you trying to offend me? Sir, negative, sir. Sir, the private believes that any answer he gives will be wrong, and the senior drill instructor will beat him harder if he reverses himself, sir.

Who's your squad leader, scumbag? Sir, the private snowball, sir. Private snowball. Private Joker promoted to squad later. Sir, all I, sir. Disaffairs. Cumbag.

Private Pyle. Private Pyle. Now on, Private Joker is your new squad leader, and you will both with him. He'll teach you everything. He'll teach you how to pee. Sir, yes, sir. Private Joker is silly and he's ignorant, but he's got guts, and guts is enough. Now you ladies carry on.

Sir, I, sir. Silly and ignorant, but he got guts. Fucking hilarious, this shit. So good. This is another movie I came on 87. Un-fucking belior. I can't wait for they make this over.

All right, Rambo. You can take this off. Now you're scaring me to death. You got these soldiers and shit. I don't know if the platoon's coming. The platoon. What else, buddy? That's it.

That's all you got from me today. You cut up. You made pizzas. Where are you going? So you're going to Bogotum on me, July 29th. Where are you going before that? things you got going up. I got the USO thing, hopefully starting back on Ari's TV show.

And then if I could give a shout out to the nonprofit I'm doing, there's a family with a very sick little boy that we're trying to help. And all the money we raise is just for right now, it's just going to go to this family to create as many good memories with their kid as they can while they can. So if you want to make a donation and help my little buddy Stephen out, you can just go to regular hero.org. Even if you got a couple bucks, it'll be appreciated. and we're just trying to put some joy into this family's life.

That's it. Wow. The time still. Yeah. Very sad diagnosis. Yeah. But there could be a miracle. You know, there's some hope out there, so it's great.

You just pray and that's it. There's always a fucking miracle, man. Yeah. We're still here. Yep. We're still here in this fucking game. So, yeah, the main key of this podcast night was just, if you really think you're getting places, see how much you really really.

sacrifice. You know, I found out, like I said, Saturday night when I want, I would love to stay with those guys and done a thousand things and seen Nyack. But it's so important to who I was then and now when I started making progress was when I beat myself up. Yeah. And you know what? To make progress, sometimes you have to piss off the people around you. Because people don't understand when you do things for yourself. They really don't. People. People don't. People. People do not want to comprehend when you look at somebody and go, I'm not doing that, I gotta do this for myself. Yeah.

I don't care what you're thinking. I don't care what you want to do. Whatever you want to do is fine, but this is what I'm doing from now on at this time period. You know, and I learned that from Mitch Headberg. You know, all the greats sacrifice something. Yeah. You know, and that's what, I don't think people don't understand how much sacrifice goes into this. I don't understand how much, even Lee, Lee's close with his mother.

Lee's sacrificing himself. right now. Lee has to wake up every 16 days because I know him and he evaluate, you know, he's a nerdy fuck, he gets high and he goes into his head and he's, I know him. I know that he asks himself what the fuck

he's doing on him. Because that's his cut. That's the cut he comes from. But I want Lee to know that every morning when he wakes up, part of that sacrifice is two things. You start out with a goal every day and you have to attain that goal for

the sacrifice not to be a waste. If not, the sacrifice is a waste. Back up your bags and go home to your mother and your family in Florida. You get a part-time job, tell people you're a comedian, maybe you'll pick up a house MC job. Nobody really needs this. But to not feel that your love is in vain, you have to get up every morning and go, okay, two things have to happen. Number one, if I do this, somebody's got to pay me to do this. Like, I'm not fine.

You have to put a value upon yourself. It's true. And that's very hard for people to imagine. Listen, I'm an electrician. You're paying me $8.50 an hour. Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, you also have to justify that. Don't come to me and go, well, I worked 42 hours last week.

Yeah, but you were the first one to go both nights. Somebody wants to be an electrician is the first one here and the last one to go. And doesn't complain about it. He has to go to movies or doesn't complain about the superhero movies coming out tonight. They don't care about that. You want to own this company one day? This is what needs to be done. Everything else gets torn apart.

You know, I bust Lee's balls about Paul and him staying home at night. I can't tell him until one day he comes to me and goes, dog, why don't you punch me in the fucking mouth two years ago? I threw away two years in my life 10 hours a week watching stupid TV shows. I will say the older I get, the more valuable my time. Your time? Oh, soon as. When you're 28, you don't have that.

You don't think about it. You don't think about it. Wait a second. And that's what I try to tell anybody who's on the fucking 30 here. Put a value on your time. Yes. If you don't do it now, it's going to take too long. It took me until I was 44.

I'm a loser compared to you guys. You guys got this in front of you. You make sure that every day counts. Yes. You know, in my world, the day was complete if I got a half gram of Coke. But guess what? I always got that half gram. I always got it.

My goal was to go out in the daytime. Once I hit the comedy store, I get 10 from you, 10 from Lee, 10 from this guy got my 40 yeah I got a check from the store on Friday and I'll pay them all back and we'll move on with this in my world it was that and to do a set that justified my existence who the fuck I was trying to be and that's what I've been telling Lee and anybody else I like everybody you have a relationship and everything but there comes a day you sit the woman down and listen you want to go here you want to go there we need to buy a house yeah you want to get a dog we need to do this This just don't come.

Exactly. This just don't come. I wish I could walk into 7-Eleven and give the Hindu $3, and he gives me the $150 million ticket. I wish it was like that. And I get the one payment and buy two properties and go to China, go to Taiwan, get my dick sucked, eat some fucking lobster tails and come back and tell my wife I love her.

But that's not the case. That's not America. That's not. That's a few people who get lucky. You have to really evaluate this. You know, when I was married, I thought it was the 40-hour plan, too, until I hated my wife. Then I got more hours to compliment it. And then when she left, I was like, life is seven days a week as much as you don't want it to be.

Yep. You know, I'm going to the UFC this week. I'm doing Buffalo. You think I'm going to sit at the fucking UFC and wants the fight? Not really. I'm on that plane at 6 a.m. Saturday morning. I don't give a fuck about no fight. Yep.

If it's between this or me riding or look at, look at the fight. If I would have stayed in Nyack, I would have never booked this role. Right. I wouldn't have prepared myself. I wouldn't have been prepared. These are those little sacrifices you have to make. I didn't put flowers on my mother's grave this time. I thought about postponing my trip to Monday.

Then I got that audition. My mother's been dead for 30 years. She could wait until November for flowers. Or you never know. I might go back in July. I got to go back in July of the Bogota. I might go up that Sunday. That Sunday and put flowers.

I have a thousand options. Right. And I honestly believe you using your talent to its fullest capabilities, preparing for that audition that's the best kind of flowers you can give your mother you know what i mean a life well lived a life filled with joy that's the best thing you can do for all the people that made sacrifices for you for you yeah is to find the joy in living that's what i think about when i miss my parents i go why did my dad work two three jobs why were they always there because they wanted me to be the best version of me and this sucks that i'm not with them right now but this is the best

you're making it work you're out of you absolutely it's It's like you're waiting for an envelope. I'm making them proud. Exactly. You're at the fucking open mic waiting for an envelope. Right. You've worked all across. I remember when you were struggling with this guy and this guy, now you got the apartment,

you got the car, things happen. Yeah. Listen, it took you 12 years or whatever. It's just a fuck. 15 years even start making a book. Listen, you're going to be doing something you didn't want to do. That's another great piece of advice. The time's going to go by.

Jesus Christ. It's going to go by sitting in a cubicle doing what you don't want to do or it's going to go by where you're going towards your dream. And you know what? Thank God. God, I put the time in towards my dream. Because doing what you don't want to do, you might as well throw yourself in jail. Yep, that's jail.

And you don't know what that's like to you about in your 30s, and you've gotten to yourself in a position. You're like, how did I get myself in this position? Yep. This is when I wanted to do all the things I really wanted to do. Now I can't do. I remember when I was 22. There were kids, I was doing a corporate job, and kids were talking, 22, they were

22. And they were talking about what they were going to do when they retired. I go, what? You're talking about 45 years from now? You don't know. Oh, forget. Crystal Ball. Goodbye.

If that guy runs the red light with that truck, what are you thinking about 45 years? Exactly. So grateful for all the experiences I've had. I knew what I could do, and I knew what I didn't want to do. Yes. You know, and that was a good point.

That was the good thing. I'm happy you came on today, Steve. I love you, Jerry. Thanks for having us. A month. Lee Syatt's in that place where he needs to be. La La LaVille. Don't forget, you bad motherfuckers.

I'm at Levity Live in Oxnard for 420. Lee will be there eating 15 stars that night with his father And then on the 27th I'm in the Tumblr brewing house up there in fucking Bakersfield Having a good time So yeah I'm in the valley the next month after this weekend in Buffalo Number one always Hello-Tushy.com The Bidays are back listen I've since I was a kid

I'm one of those people that sits there and when somebody walks by with a big ass I say to myself imagine What that asthma smell like and that's where a bidet comes in where's the siren lee where's the siren you know what I'm saying that's the siren hello tushy.com is a is a portable bidet you can install yourself in your bathroom okay no expensive pipings no plumbing no nothing available and all there you go that's when you know it's a good fucking when your assholes stinks that's the song that plays and you go to your bidet and boom it keeps your ass clean it keeps your nuts that clean but in all honesty, it's so much healthy, especially when you're sitting on your butt all day.

This is a good way to avoid hemorrhoids and crotch rot and everything else that comes. You have it, you scratch your ass midday. You know how bad it fucking smells. Everybody at home scratches their ass from time to time and smells their fingers and says, what the fuck did I eat Tuesday? But no more. No more, not with hellotushy.com. You also have a 60-day money-back guarantee, okay?

Lee, tell them about Hello Tushy and how it changed your life. Oh, it starts my day and ends my day every day. It's amazing. You do the hot water, the cold water? You know what? I only have the cold and I was worried about it a little bit. It's not that cold and it feels great. Hey, a black cock, cold water, there's no differences.

Go to hello tushy.com right now. Take a look at what they have. Take a look at the bidet. Tell me you wouldn't want a bidet for your house. You understand me? Go to hellotushy.com and press in. Church. And get 10% off your order.

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Nobody needs a bidet more than your rotten mother's fucking snatch. Go to Hellotushy.com right now. And Father's Day's coming. That dirty old fucking old man, the other day I scratched my balls And I smelt old man balls. I got right on that fucking bidet And I fucking Irish spring those nuts

With that cold water And I can listen Once you hit the certain age You get stinky old man balls Go to hellotushy.com right now. That's church. That's right. And press in church

And get 10% off to your house. All right? Deliver it to your house. Why fuck a wrong? round. What's your fucking deal? We're not trying to insult you. That's the name of the new stand-up comedy show on C-So. Big J. Ocasins, what your fucking deal features Big J. Plus Other Big Time Comics insulting a room full of people in a unique stand-up comedy show. That's all crowd work. So we may not be trying to insult you, but they definitely are.

C-So is where it's at. You understand me? You got my special on there. You got Nick the Apollo special on there. You got, I mean, you got Doug Stanhope. Doug Stanhope. You got original programming. This is the way to go. For him on war. Who? For him on war. I mean, it's so many, Laurie Kilmartin. I mean, the party never stops. Last year, a comedy arena was born where stand-ups roam looking to slay audiences. They call that arena CISO where no laugh is spared and no punchline is left behind. This month, Big J. Ocassons and dozens of other headlining comics,

the fray in season two of Big J. Ocasins. But on top of that, do you like to laugh, chuckle, short, cuckle, guffle, snicker, then CISO is for you. With CISO, you get unlimited access to CISO original series, next day, late night, hilarious stand-up specials and binge-worthy classics, including 42. That's right. That's 42 seasons of Saturday Night Live and the entire Monty Python collection. The It Crowd and more. With C-Soso, you get binge-worthy classes. classics, British cult comic comedy and original series like Harmon Quest and Bajillion Dollar Properties, not to mention the entire SNL library. CISO brings stand-up right to your living room with exclusive content from

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No joke. $3.99 a month for all the comedy you want anytime, anywhere, ad free. You can access CISO content from anywhere at any time using iOS, Android Roku, Apple TV, Amazon Fire TV, Windows, Xbox, and watch your favorite sets from comedians like, Louis C.K. Amy Schumer and Hannibal Berris. Listen, if you don't have CSO, shoot yourself, your fuck. Go to CSO.com right now. Sign up for one free, one month free with promo code Joey at checkout. Again, that's CISO.com, spelled S-E-E-S-O.com promo code Joey and get one month free. Right now, go over there. CISO.com promo code Joey. I want to thank on it. I want to thank C-S-O. And I want to thank my main motherfuckers over there at hello tushy.com.

Keeping mufflers clean. That's the motto for 2017. I want to thank my man Steve Simone, and there's also my co-captain of this journey, my favorite Jewish person in the world, Lee Syatt. We'll be back Wednesday for you. No fucking games. I love you, cock suckers.

Stay black and have a great night. I want to thank Steve again. Don't forget to support his foundation. What's the name of it? Regularhero.org. Regularhero.org. $5.5. $5.

Five hours. Get it together, all right? You can save a kid's life. You can make their fucking dream come true. They go to Disneyland. He takes some roller skating. He buys them helmets. He makes pizza.

You know the fucking deal. Go to the heroes. What is it? Regular hero. Regular hero.com. All right. I love you. Cocksuckers.

Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. I'll see you. Motherfuckus. 420. Oxnard Levity. Hit it, Lee. The bidet commercial was the funniest thing.

And you tell a green