The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #470 - Jessimae Peluso

Episode Date: April 6, 2017

Jessimae Peluso, comedian, actress, and the host of the "Sharp Tongue Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order.   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. 
Recorded live on 04/04/2017.
  

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That's helixleep.com slash Joey. Again, helixleep.com slash Joey. That's who puts this podcast together. Give them some heat, Lee Syatt. There you go. Oh, shit. It's a new attitude, cocksuckers. There we go.

Australians coming at you. Oh, shit. You're lucky I don't smoke dads. This is just on regular refa and fucking energy and testosterone straight from the nutsack. The church of what's happening now, cock suckers. Oh, shit. Hey, oi, oi, oi, oi, goli, Goli, Goli, Gessimee Poulouseau in the house.

What? Lysayat in the house. Living is 420. Not talking about it, not hanging posters. He's in 2,000 milligrams deep. Here you go. Everybody knows about these. Oh, God, here we go.

So we're going to get these at your store, and we'll get you some promo. You know how we do it, dog. What's happening? I'm welcome you to the church and what's happening now. My girl, Jessamee Paluso's here. I'm here. Lee Syatt's here.

What we're doing tonight? Listen, all these fucking amateurs they want to celebrate 420 around here. We live it on a daily basis. You know I don't fuck with you people. We ain't doing meth. We ain't eating pills. We ain't doing that.

We're smoking heavy fucking reefer. I gave up edibles for lent because it got out of hand. 2,000 a day. You can't live like that. That's not a regular human being. And it was 2000 plus. Did you really give them up?

Yeah, for Lent. I went to church on Ash Wednesday. I got the fucking ashes put on my head. Then I went home and I did my own ceremony in the back year out of respect. What kind of, what was that like? What was your ceremony? You go back there, you blow some smoke and you fucking put the ashes on your head out of respect for the Holy Ghost. It's always the father, the son of the Holy Ghost.

Everything the Holy Ghost is, Riefer. Reifer. It's the Holy Ghost. All these people never, 2,000 years, not one of you fucking intelligent people. You can figure this out. I got left back in the seventh grade. I figured that out. The holy ghost is the holy ghost.

The holy ghost has always been, what's a ghost? Some dude who bothers you? No. It's somebody who fucking gets you going. You don't see what it is. It's invisible. Yeah, it's like smoke. The essence of the marijuana.

Yeah. When you blow it out, your world changes. And I'm not talking here from a loser perspective. I'm telling you. When you blow it out, you blow it out and all your troubles go away, even if it's for an hour and a half. They do. You giggle like a fucking retard.

You ever see a retard gig? You ever see a once wheel over the cuckoo's nest. They look so happy. They're so happy. Nobody's getting slashed. Nobody's getting fucking bombed. Nobody's getting cut in the subway. Yeah.

It's just laughter. It's just laughter. That's all it is. And a feeling of elation. Sometimes you're creative as hell. I wish I could go back to getting high like when I was 12. Like when I was 12, me and my little buddies, we used to go to lunch at ShopRite. Right, right?

You go to lunch at ShopRite? Fuck, yeah, because we could shoplift. HUBBA, hubba, and we fucking go shoplift a 10-pack of hubba. I could listen to you say hubbubba on repeat. We were going there four of us deep, and we would still 10, 40, 40 packs of hubbubba, and we get a tube, okay, like a glass thing, and you put a joint in there, and then you'd cover it, and it was like a flute, and you smoked it, okay? Yeah.

And then you'd walk back to school, snaking like Riefer, and you get so high that you'd sit on the glass tube. The other times I broke that fucking tube. Not one time did I get a stitch in my ass. Not one, because you got a thick ass. Then the cocaine ever came, and they had a thing called double barrel shotguns, where it was a glass with a scoop at the end, and you scooped it into the bag and went like this. And I would sit on those, too.

How old were you? Oh, that's when I was 17. Holy shit. That 17's fine. It was funny. Last week I was a chance, Jan's dragging in right down the corner from bananas. When you be at Bananas, get an Uber and tell him to take you the Chance Dragon in. That's where it all started from a joke.

That sounds like some real China. I need shit. I'll show you the pages later, but when I was 16, we used to have a driving coach. North Bergen at the time had a driving coach. What does it mean? What the hell's a driving coach? You ready for this? Does that involve a horse?

Because I will die. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, I'm thinking of like a court coach. The gym teacher for four periods, you would sign up when you got your permit. Yeah. And he would take you and three other people on a car ride and you would switch. And then when you went to get your license. Your gym teacher?

Like a gym teacher. Why was your gym teacher? doing that people i don't know i don't know i didn't go to the board of ed meetings you're making it so creepy you're making it sound like your gym team your gym team you're like a like a the cars were donated by damasi catalack so you got the cooped it's driver's no no this is crazy i forgot all about this and the cars came coop de ville so there were two of them and on the side they said north pergan education yeah uh sponsored by damasi catallel right so damasi agreed to give the high school two catalax and they put special pedals in it for the fucking teacher in case you were retarded

The gym teacher to do it. The gym teacher had to be certified. Yeah, he's like, you know, I do gym and I also do driving school. So they all did like two or three periods. How much certification does it take? So there was like three different teachers that did it, but two of the three teachers were stiffs. We had this teacher called Mr. McGrath, the camel. Mr. McGrath does even sound real.

We called him camel breath because he smoked a camel cigarettes with no filter. And his mustache was orange from the camel cigarettes. I can't. I'm not going to survive. Listen to me. And his fingers were orange. Still till today, he won't fucking be my friend on Facebook. Till today, every year I go back to that page and I click on.

And he's pissed because I've told these stories over here. Plus, I owed his partner like $8,000 in bookmaking. Mr. Pollute, Mr. Pollute died. God forbid. God forbid. That guy is still alive. When we were freshman, Mr. Pollute was the freshman baseball coach. And also the driving teacher?

No. We abused the fuck out of pollute. Palute would take the ball. Polute would take the ball and go like this and hit the ball left field. And he would go left field. And then they would catch the ball, these freshmen. And they would hold the ball and Palut would go, where the fuck all the balls? And all of a sudden, nine people would whip balls out of the speed of likeness.

And one day they knocked them out. Poor Paloo got knocked out. Sophomore year, we were part of the gourmet club. And Mr. McGrath... Like a chef club? Listen to this. Listen to this. North Georgia was a club.

high school had a thing called the gourmet club. And one Sunday every month, you got together, you rented a bus, you pay dues. You had to be a junior and above a senior. And you pay dues and Mr. McGrath and three other teachers would take you into the city to a famous restaurant. And then you eat the food and go back to one of the teachers' house and discuss it. So these people, so your teachers would just take you on dates. Listen to me. You take you in the cars.

Your parents. No, no car. Into restaurants. This was a bus, a bus. And you had to pay to be part of a gourmet club. Right. Like, every school has faggy fucking organizations. The photography club, the gourmet club, the first plumbers club.

Every high school, everybody in this room was part of some fucking faggy organization in fucking high school. Okay? In my high school, they had, like, the dudes who built the sets and all that stupidity. But they also had, but they also had the gourmet club. And you would meet once a month in front of the high school. I'm just imagining that on a sweatshirt, the dudes who built the sets. Oh, my God. And all that stupidity.

Oh, yeah, all that shit. That guy's name was Bob Pullman. Listen to Bob Pullman used to get weed scent when we were in high school from Hawaii on sticks in a little rap, a vacuum seal. In 1979. They were ahead of the game then. $35 for fucking three joints. We thought we were getting robbed that we would put. Oh, my God.

He was getting shipped from Hawaii. Right. This is how crazy. You guys were smoking hibiscus. So we go to fucking, we go to China town. They take you eat Chinese food. And then you go back to somebody's house. So it got so pathetic.

I mean, the gourmet club that that one year they let the sophomore was in. And I was a sophomore. And we all got in the bus and went to some fucking restaurant. On the way back, we went to Palut's house. You went to Palut's house? You went to Palut's house? You had a beautiful house.

You feel like there's a boundaries being crossed at the school. No, no. There'd be a bunch of teachers there. Yeah. And they'd ask questions. It's getting worse. So there'd be a bunch of teachers and they'd ask you stupid questions about the restaurant.

And you had to make believe, my kid. Oh, the egg rolls. great. You know, I've been to a few places, and sometimes the egg rolls are salty. So listen to me. You're part of the first yell. Listen to me. My requirement for an egg roll is saltiness. Listen to me, dogs. So we're there maybe

20 minutes. We take, now, all these fucking students are really on the up and up. They're talking about the oreganoado and the clams, the invention of the clam. And me and my goombas look at each other, we're like, listen, pass the hat around. Is it an oregano? Listen to me.

What the fuck is oregano? Clams are oreganoata. You can even have clams Aragonado and clams casino. Where the fuck are you raised? I thought it was oregano. I thought you were saying oregano and like adding a spice to it. No, there's clams or oregano. Okay.

Which is like, there's baked clams. That's what fucking Gentiles eat. That makes me crap my pants. I would love to eat a baked clam right now at the copper kettle. What's that restaurant where people, they give you a chocolate fucking fountain? That sounds good. I always put my finger in the fountain. What's the name of the fucking chocolate fountain is?

Golden Corral. Golden Corral. Golden Corral. Golden Corral. Golden Corral once a month will have baked clams. You go in there? You end up fucking dead. You understand me?

Just crying out of your asshole? Oh, my God. It's a fucking horacea. So don't go to Bay Corral and get baked clams. That's what people go to, people like in fucking Montana go to like, what's that restaurant? What's the Italian place where people go? Carrabas?

No. Olive Garden? Olive Garden. The Italian place. Olive Garden. They go to olive. For the breadsticks. Listen, you know that when you go to Utah, when you go to Salt Lake City-Wise?

Yeah. That's the best, that's the biggest Olive Garden in the country. For real? I missed out. That's where the most action in the country is. That's where the most... At that olive garden.

Out of our way. What are people doing? Just fingering each other in the line. Just eating fucking breadsticks. Just fissing each other for the endless. I like the salad. I like the endless salad. It's the food that fucking gives you a ajula for 10 days.

It does. You need 15 barioskies. No, no, no. You're done. Eggplant parm out of your butt. Let me tell you some of pasta. When I was in Pittsburgh, that's what would keep me together for three days. Pittsburgh's food is delicious.

No, don't fuck with Pittsburgh, Jack. Even at the hotel, I got the menu in the egg rolls were delicious, the pork fried rice. They don't fuck around. And up the corner was an olive garden. I hit it every day for lunch like a savage. Olive garden for lunch, pasta for zule soup and the average salad. And then I would go to the fuck it and get the egg roll with the pork fried rice for dinner. Can you always say pasta for zool?

The way you say pasta for zool makes me pee a little. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Pasta puzzle. Yeah, pasta puzzle. And Jessumay, I don't know if you know this. He said he'll show you the pictures from Chan's Dragon in later. It's not like his friends. Like a, oh, we did that's like a group picture after you know.

He has pictures of his food. I don't want to take pictures of people. You take pictures of your food? When I go to Chan's Dragon, you bet you're fucking is. But do you like, you put filters in it? You take pride in the photo? No, what do I look like? Fucking Felix Unger.

What do you do, jerk off to it later? No, he takes pride in it. He shows everybody. To show these fucking maggots What the fuck? You know, what the fuck you're talking about? I can show him. You'll send me a photo what I should eat

And I'll show him and he'll know. Send. I went to this place in Santa Monica By the beach, I go, Rudy is spicy muscles like a motherfucker. Galamazes since I was 16 I've been going there with a Heineken on tap. That looks like a...

Heineken on tap. You understand me? The place looks like a place. Beliche. Yankee pot roast for the chorizo in the middle. Are you fucking kidding me? Wow. That's 20 a life, no parole. The fucking Jew bakery.

Look at the Jew Bakery, a fucking A fucking strawberry shortcake Who tastes a pan? I didn't eat it. I just take a picture The show these assholes. Look at this. Look at the Chinese food.

This is going to be down the corner from where you had bananas. Salty egg rolls. You see the metal? You don't see metal in this country no more. These fools don't know none about metal. Look at those fucking egg rolls. You're going to come to me.

I used to weigh 418 pounds and it was solid muscle. Why? Because I ate the best. I didn't fuck around. Look at this. Look at those spare ribs. ribs. Look at that. They've been there

since I was fucking 16. And my point is, Mr. McGrath, Camel Brett, used to fuck, and we'd get in the car and we'd have to go up to the Ridgefield Circle and make a U-turn and somebody else would drive. So we would go, McGrath, while we're here, let's just get some egg rolls at chance. And he would go, are you

fucking kidding me? I'm going to die. So we started at first it was Egg-Row. Come on, Mr. McGrath. Let's get some egg rolls at chance. I'll buy. Would you call it in the head? You called Egg-Roles ahead? No, in those days, there were no cell phone. We didn't no, no numbers. He just showed up and said, let me get fucking, let me get egg, let me get eight egg rolls.

And then the egg roll thing went on for like a month. No, no, no, no. Every day we had the 1115 slot. 1115 to 12 o'clock. You show up. You had to sign up on a piece of paper. It was all legit. This was all legit.

So when you got there in school, right away the night before I would call pollution or pollution, you got first class shop tomorrow. First class is 730. Right. First period of 7. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're stupid and young, you're like, I'll go to the fourth period at 950. You're a retard.

Go at 7.30, you're out at 1. Yeah, you're fucking retard. So you're going to be there early. Do me in favor. When you go sign in for me. For me? Right, because I'm going to go get a salty egg roll. My boy.

No, we're just going to go hang out. Yeah. It started with egg rolls. Then we get steak on a stick. And then we get steak on a stick and then we talked them into a liquor store. I'm a graph. We've got to go to liquor store. It started with egg roll means to be your, your movie.

Listen to me. It started with that girl. And after about three or four weeks, we started getting the McGrath. Pull over. Let's get a six-pack. Are you guys crazy? I'm losing my life. Nobody's going to know.

We would get an eight-pack. An eight-pack? That's when there was eight-packs. The nips. Oh, yeah. Like OV splits types? Yeah, yeah. They're eight-ounce.

And we would drink the eight-pack in 45 minutes before we get. And he would just sit there and nod his head. There was nothing he could do. We had them by the balls. By the end of my dream of a year, I had me grab taking me to fucking West New York. Like, I would tell him I was going to go get something, but he and I both knew.

He knew what the real deal was. He knew. I would go say, give me around. I got to go see my stepfather. I got to pick up $100 from him. But he knew I was going to West New York to pick up something. And he always played it off. It wasn't until the day right after I didn't graduate high school

because I quit my senior year. Then I went back and I had short credit. So I said, I'm not even going to bother him. I'm going to some school. I'm not blowing my summer. I got to deploy my summer. I got a diploma later. So the day after I was supposed to graduate,

it was the first time he said, come to my house. Because we robbed this drug dealing, and I called him up. Which class was that for? This was no class. This was just a fucking, this was just a random drug dealer. This was just us on the Friday night.

We had a couple bumps in us. And we go, listen, bro, let's go get cooked. The guy goes, he's in the city. Perfect. Let's go rob him. If he's in the city, he ain't ever going to come back to the Jersey. We were crazy, dog.

I told you, I was one of the savages. You're a legit savage. This is crazy. This is just, this is great. Like, most kids go to school and get their dick sucked by the high school teachers and shit. That sounds amazing. This was completely different. Most kids?

Like, you know, today's kids, they fucking get their dicks suck when they go home to the psychotherapist and shit. How many kids are getting their dick sucks by their teachers? A lot these days. It's so tough. I want to get hypnotized for my fear. But the biggest problem happened. Last week, I went to get hypnotized. Now, she's a good-looking woman.

The chick who hypnotizes me is a great, like, she's a great hypnotist. I wonder if that's a factor in it. She sells it, but she's really attractive. And I know she's married. So last week I went in there, and I just said to it, there's your husband working the business, and she goes, no, to be honest, and my husband is a she. So she couldn't really hypnotize of me because I kept thinking about fucking her eating

and sucking pussy. You're not into, like, girl-on-girl stuff that doesn't do anything for you? It doesn't matter whether I'm into it. I'm just saying that it was tough for her to hypnotize. Yeah. Because she dropped that bomb on me. Yep. You know, next thing you know, I'm having, I am.

Yeah, you're thinking about it. I'm coming on her feet on a fucking hypnotic watch. You know that little hypnotic watch? I'm jizzing on it like a fucking savage. Watch. So last week she couldn't really get deep into hypnotizing me, so I had to tell her to her. So listen, you can't drop that bomb on me an hour before you're going to put me on. Yeah, wait till after.

Yeah, wait till after. We have always wet dreams in your couch. Let me digest it on the planes to six hours or something before you fucking go tell me. Yeah, next time, tell me slower and in my, ear. It's crazy. What goes in our mind and how it affects us. How long you've been hypnotized for? About four weeks. How are you liking it?

I'm getting somewhere. Yeah? Yeah, I'm getting somewhere. And afterwards, do you feel like, is it a sort of thing where you feel cleansed after something? Like, you know, after you have like a good high, you feel like you've figured out some problems? Let me tell you something, man, this works like a double. This has worked out for me like I never really got.

Beside when I was in the halfway house and they made me call to all the fucking some therapist. I never went to a therapist. I didn't see the value. Yeah. In fact, I called my prison therapist about a month ago. His name is Hobby Schweber. I just came up with his name one night after 30 years ago. That was his name, Hobby Schweber. Wow. And I looked him up on YouTube, on Google, and I found him. And the next day I called him, he was happy to hear from me. He told me where the whole staff of all the halfway houses were where all my old counselors were at. So that was the only therapy I had ever taken.

And this is sort of like half therapy, half therapy, half. hypnotism. Right. Because she talks to me about what's going on, you know, what's bothering, you know, and then we go over a technique. She'll put on, like, some music. Do you legit, like, can, do you legit get hypnotized? Like, yeah.

Are you conscious when you're hypnotized? Are you, like, out? I fucking hear different shit. You do? Yeah. What, like mouse farts? No, like, let me play it for you and shit. Because my dad.

Dad got hypnotized a while back, but to quit smoking. It didn't work. It didn't work. Welcome to Mind Magic Tapes. This is a self-hypnosis trainer. You will be talked through training on noticing the symptoms of self-hypnosis. The physical symptoms of self-hypnosis will be. I feel like it's going to hypnotize me and I'm going to shit on your couch.

I feel like we're in the movie Get Out right now. It's tremendous. Two, you will tend to have your jaw relax. and your teeth parts slightly during this particular exercise. I'm clenching my teeth right now. Three, when your eyes are closed and going through this exercise, you will find that your eyelids become heavy and stuck tight. They should use Cosby's voice.

In fact. For this. That's hilarious. You will begin to notice an increase in saliva flow as your body relaxes. That's just because I'm sucking. It's the hypnotizer sucking you, putting this jizz in your mouth. We're both sick in the head. Meanwhile, you're like, what the fuck?

We're like, we don't need therapy. It's jazz. Or at any time, you are not in a secure and safe place where you will not be disturbed. I can't imagine you hypnotized. It's like hypnotizing a bull. Yeah, not I hypnotize myself in the hotel room because I couldn't sleep. And I put my this on and I put the earphones on. And I woke up six hours later

Passed out with the earphones on the floor I couldn't move in the middle of the night So much you just flung them up my head. No. Oh. No, no, no. I felt fucking good. Is to enable you to recognize

the symptoms of self-hypnosis. I don't know if I could do it. I'm telling you, this is the show. When in self-hypnosis to begin to suggest to yourself. But if you hypnotize yourself. Example suggestions will be given. What happens?

Like, you go into a fucking, like, are you just chilling in the, in the ether? Yeah. You just chilling suspended? Yeah. So like, let's begin. Oh, you hear stuff. In a comfortable position. I see.

Close your eyes and roll the eyeballs comfortably upward. Jesus Christ. This is freaky. This is what you need to do, people. We're going to begin. If you're scared of need. and all that. Next week, I'm going to go give blood. You're going to what to my blood?

I'm going to go give blood next to you. You're going to do this to give blood? Yeah, because I get scared of needles. You do? What if a girl in the cute little outfit did it instead? Would that help you? I don't even think about it. No? You, of all, people, are scared in needles.

Yeah, that's why I go to acupuncture, so I overcome that feet. Is it working? Yeah, yeah. But I still get, like, to take blood out, I still get fidgeting and shit. I get some. times but not as bad anymore. And imagine doubling

I just imagine it's a teeny dick going into my skin. With each number you count to yourself. Imagine each number is though it's drifting out of your mind. I mean this shit is freaky.

No thank you. All right. It's get out, right? Yeah, yeah, I'm in the second place right now. The second place. Now watch the number drift away. This sounds like

like it's something they play at a cult meeting. Yeah, Joe's going to turn me into a banker. Yeah. Because he can't be doing. Listen, I'm scared. It's going to work. That shit is so freaky.

Look at me like that, Joey. You motherfuckers don't know what you're missing. See, if I listen to that, I'd be too scared to listen to that. Alone? And there's some dude in an echoey voice? Who is that guy? I don't even know him. What's he looked like?

Marvin? I don't give a fuck. I don't ask questions. He tells me what I need to do when I do it. As long he don't touch me, you don't want no money, I'm fine. You know what I'm saying? Once he starts borrowing, that's why I got to throw him out of the hotel room. That shit helps you fall asleep?

I had a fucked up week last week. Like, last Monday night I couldn't sleep. And Tuesday, I had to sleep. I should have got six or seven hours. I slept like three hours, and I had to get picked up at 4.30. Go to New York. Then I got to New York, and I went to eat with my friends Chinese food at chance. You know, I still go loyalty.

35 years later. That's the first restaurant I go to when I get off the plane. And then I went back to the room, couldn't fall asleep. That's the worst. I had Opie and Anthony. They told me coming at 9 to close out this show. That was no big deal. I woke up at 3 in the morning.

Oh, my Lord. And couldn't fall back. And then by the time 1 o'clock came, I was dizzy. Well, guess what? I get to 9. I got 1.30. You think I could fall asleep? No.

You must have been reeling. I could feel my blood pressure right. from the nose sleeve. Yep. I get to the club and it was a fucking nightmare. I had to go upstairs up. I told Matt Fultron to follow me up

because I was getting the anxiety in the green room. I couldn't breathe. You thought you're going to pass out? Yes, I went and sent him to CVS. He was so great. I gave him, he brought back some baby medicine

to just thin me out a little bit and I went and did the fucking hour and I went home and that and then I slept like a fucking baby. What was the baby medicine like crack? No, it just there was a heart medication. I just needed my blood pressure to go down. I was like to relax. So I went

to the hotel room that night, 10 o'clock, 10.30 on my pajamas on. Again. You couldn't fall asleep? See, I would have passed the fuck out right then. I'm fucking furious at this point. I get so angry when I can't sleep. And I was ready just to go to the hospital and I can give me demoral. Let me sleep at the hospital from exhaustion. Yeah. And I said, wait a second. Let me put those earphones on with that

thing. With that creepy guy? The creepy guy put you to sleep? I went to bed at one. I went to bed at one. I fell asleep. And I think I woke up at fucking 7.30, quarter of eight. I took two hits in a vapor pen. A cup of coffee? I ran downstairs, got coffee. Took a shit?

No, I got those soft eggs with two pieces of white bread and some whole meal. Now you got me hungry. And I went right back upstairs and fell right back to sleep for another four fucking hours. That's good. Now I was tip-tete-tot-toe. But that's motherfucking tape. Help me relax the first night because my heart was big. beaten, you know, my heart, my mind was running away with me, my heart was beating.

You ever yank the weasel to make you fall asleep? At this point in the game, it's just an unnecessary mess. Right? Yeah. Oh my God. An unnecessary mess. His second movie title. I'm 54 years old.

What are you going to do? You still don't yank it? No, I'll yank it. I don't give a fuck, but I'm saying, sometimes you say, let me yank and you go, ah. I'll wait until I take a shower or whatever. Then the shower didn't work good. I just heard if you yank, it makes you fall asleep. Yeah.

You just turn over so you do it up, especially in the hotel. Just throw it out of the bed. Oh, geez, now we know how you do it. Yeah, he's disgusting. What a half? That has it disgusting. Savage. The best sleeping pill is a good dick sucking.

Yeah. That's a good. Or a guy to go, Jesume, I don't want to fuck you. Just let me eat your pussy for kids. Yeah, fall asleep. That'll put you out. That's a pacifier. It's the best.

Yeah. Once you shoot a fucking good old load. A nice old load. Sometimes you get an old load that mix with a new load. Yeah. And it torments you. But you don't know what's happening. Yeah, it's like...

And dust and fresh air. I want a chicken, but now I want roast beef, that type of shit. You know what I'm saying? I only chicken, but I meant roast beef. That type of shit. When you're self-tormented, in 1985, I didn't get a piece of pussy for nine months. I was walking around like a fucking talk. I didn't know what was going on.

I couldn't get arrested. I couldn't do it. Nothing. It was a cold spell from like December of 84 until June of 85. I didn't see a boob, not a tit. And I wasn't doing drugs. See, I cleaned up in the Coke. So I couldn't see, when you're an ugly dude, as long as you've got a big Coke rock,

you're getting a little piece of monkey. But I dried up and I lost my game because that was the closer. Come back to the room and let's do a couple bumps. That was the closer. That was a deal sealer. Yeah, once you do three or four lines, you're going to do the whole eight ball. And at that time, it's eight in the morning. You cry about your boyfriend, but you'll suck the horn.

It don't matter. You'll at least suck my dick. You know what I'm saying? Don't tell nobody. Who am I going to tell? I'm fucking, I'm an FBI, I don't say nothing. I'm Nunez, whatever a fucking name is. He'll suck the horn.

Sure. Third movie title. It was always percentages. Ugly dudes just got to play a game of percentages. If I could lure you to the nest, it was 50% that I was going to get you. If you snorted coke, I could bet by like four years. I'll have you licking my nutsack by ether. It was crazy.

See, Cosby did the same thing, but it was, he would drug them and make them fall asleep. drug them they would go voluntarily. That they weren't voluntarily, I'm saying like he did it but forced him. He made him like, they were forced impressions. He said he'd got him a job. Right, right. Next thing they know they wake up.

You were like the nice guy route. Yeah. With coke. Everybody enjoys cocaine. The friendly coke guy. The friendly coke guy. Hi, come over. He was like opposite of Cuspian.

It was a stat. He gave him coke and let him cry about their boyfriend's on the shoulder. Well, let me tell you how many times women will come over and look me straight. great in the face and go, before I come over, I just want to tell you nothing's going to happen. I'm happily married. And by the end of the night, they were choking on your horn. And I would play the game.

I go, are you fucking kidding me? I just want to smoke a Coke with somebody. I'm calling my girlfriend. That's fine. You don't know how many times they call their girlfriend. And by the end of the night, they both be eating each other's pussy. It was crazy. And I wouldn't be getting invited.

I would just sit there. They'd go, jerk off on our tits. Don't touch this, fat, man. I don't give a fuck. I jerk off on the tit. On the end of another night, one of them would lick my nuts. It was crazy. I don't give a phone.

I can't tell you how many nights a woman looked me in the face and says, I'll do cocaine with you, but don't even think about it. I love my man. I've been with him for eight years. That's the woman's way, though. We'd say it because we think we have it in control. I wouldn't even say nothing.

They'd go in the bathroom to pee and then come out and say, have I ever showed you my tits? I just got them redone. And I'd sit there and go, no, not really. And that would drive a woman crazy. Oh, yeah. If you don't pay the attention. Can I show them to you?

No, no, no, I don't want to see him. Yep. Next year they go to the bathroom. They will show them to you. They come in the bathroom and they come out balls-ass naked. They tell me about how they got a tattoo a Hitler on their pussy and why they went to a fucking German family reunion. You know, they don't give a fuck. They will throw themselves.

Hitler on the pussy, huh? Bro. How's that work? Like, I'm a labia? It's hysterical how at that point at 5 in the morning, people would just tell you their whole life. Like, I really like anal, but I don't like when the dick is too. And you're looking at them going, I just want to get up a dick suck. And they're like, I'll do anal, but I don't know.

I like it really big, but not really. Are you reading for my diary? No, and they'll tell you all this shit about it. I had a girl tell me once. I love when guys come fast. I go, then you gotta love me. Then you got the right, you hit the jackpot tonight. She goes, I've never liked the guy to go over like three minutes.

It bothers me. I like it real fast and sweet. That's it turned me on. Really? And they would just come clean on their own. There was no twisting their arm. It was fucking crazy. That's amazing.

I've sat with Lee. One night on the corner here. Oh, my God. Just like it just came out of me, like all those road stories. Yeah. Now I look back at them and I just. Like as a road comic. Like a filthy.

Male, but male road comics are filthy. Filty. Because you guys clean up house afterwards. What do you mean? After you want to get off stage, a funny dude, that's so attractive to women. But no, no, no. It wasn't even that type. No?

It was a weird, disgusting world. Back then. Yeah. Well, because the era, it was a different era. I was a feature act. Yeah. All right. So that's the best job in comedy.

It is. 20 minutes, I get off stage and I hang up creepy by the women's bathroom. Oh, you were funny, really? The next thing you know, they're swallowing the sword. You were funny. You don't know how many ladies in El Paso. Swallowing the sword. Suck my sword on a Tuesday.

Suck my sword on a Tuesday, then coming back to the show on Friday with the husband, introduce me to the husband. Follow-up title. Just crazy. crazy shit that it's really crazy out there to digest. It's disgusting. It's despicable.

What? Just the savage, savage act of... Savagery. It's just, yeah, savagery. I think,

see, I disagree. I don't think that's savage. I'm always been a prude. Like, I'll go home the next morning and go, what the fuck happened last night? Like, I got to go. I got to talk to somebody,

a priest. Like, that type of craziness. I think a prude means that you don't do it. I think you do it. Then maybe you feel a little remorse. Oh, please. I really feel remorse. Oh, disgusting.

Were you raised Catholic? Like a mother-for-da. Yeah, that's right. I still think about a girl that was married, happily married. I saw her at the park with her kids. And when I played her in ping pong for a bull job and shit. I went to this party and there she's playing ping pong, beating everybody. I waited, I waited like a fucking possum.

And I got there and I ping ponged her out. And she's telling me she likes to suck dick. Well, let's play the ping pong. When you talk about it? I can't even handle you saying ping pong. It was crazy. I legit can't handle it. Like, what is this lady thinking today?

Does she not remember she lost to somebody in ping pong and had to suck his dick? Wait, who brought up the bed? Please tell me what's you. Like, the thing, it must have been, someone must have said. Yeah, who brought the bed up? That's a good question. Like, it had to be you that was like, all right, if you win, you get this. No, no, no.

She was playing ping pong. And then she started talking about something sucking dick. I'm like, listen. Let's end the conversation. Right. It's five in the morning, we're both coked up. Fuck it. You lose.

You suck my dick. And if she won, what'd she get? I don't know. I think I gave her a grandma Coke or something like that. And I know I wasn't going to give a gram of Coke. If I lost, that wasn't happened. Meanwhile, she doesn't know that's a nickname for your dick. Listen, I would have hit her with the fucking car.

You know me, Doug? He comes chasing me and Mike Coke. I'll back into that bitch in Boulder. They'll blame another fucking raccoon. I don't give a fuck, Jack. How seriously did you take that game of ping pong? Do we like smashing your face? Were you like force gum?

I was playing to the debt. You understand me? There was no way I was losing. There was no way I was losing. I could have played that. You could have sent me the best Chinese ping pong player in the fucking world. Chinese, why is it got to be Chinese? Because they fuck people.

They're good at everything. They fuck everybody's up in everything. They fuck people's up in making bottle caps. No, they did Chinese people can ping ping pong like a motherfucker. That's because it's their name as well. No, no, no. It's fucking craziness. Till this day, I think about what's that woman thinking.

She's got to be 50 like me. And she's got to say, I lost the game of ping pong one time. And sucked the chubby dude's dick who was like a half-ass comedian at the time living in his friend's basement. Disgusting. I think she probably blocks that out. I don't think. Do people have, like, think about that? What if what happens is every time she plays ping pong, she ends up sucking dick.

Can you imagine that? Can you, you gave her like, yeah. And she has to switch now? I don't know. I can't. I don't know what it is, but I can't. Ping pong. I swallow a sword.

I used to have a roommate, Manning. He was a creepy guy. He was older than me. He's about 70 now. Whenever I go home, sometimes he meets me, I give him a bag of stars. He's a good dude. He's a really good dude. When I did, when I first went to do time, I was 28,

Man, it had to be about 44, 42, and Mani would get barrels of blow delivered to the house, and he would hide him in paint cans. and he had a really weird friend, a circle of friends. He had all those girls that are crazy and get naked when they do blow. And he was like a cab driver. One's name was Bubbles. I never forget that.

Bubbles would suck your dick and four of the morning. Like, have you bumped into bubbles in the house? What else is Bubbles going to do? I know. Her name was Bubbles. She's not solving science problems. I lived at this guy, but I would call him at night. He used to drive a cab.

So I would call the cab company and go have Mandy, call me at the house. The kitchen's out of fire. And he would call me right away. And I go, where are you at? And he would go, I'm getting off work, but I'm going to bubbles this house. She's having a party. She's having a tick sucking party. So let's say it was like 11 o'clock. I would go upstairs and do

a couple bombs and take a shower and listen to music and maybe go out to the balcony. Nobody was going to be home. Unless he didn't have coke with him, then he'd have to come home and get a bat's to take back. But besides that, it was just me and him and Judge Mudge. And there's a dude, his name was Greg Mudge.

Judge Mudge. It was a three-bedroom house. Greg Mudge was a dude that was like a carpet salesman, but his grandfather, like they controlled the whole city near St. Louis. Like the carpet industry? No. The law industry.

So his great-grandfather was Judge Mudge. Oh, a legit judge. This guy used to get coked up and bring portraits of his grandfather, like, in 1980. This is the original, original Judge Mudge. Oh, God. This is Judge Mudge in 1920. It was crazy, dog. So Judge Mudge had a girlfriend.

He would go to his girlfriend's house in the weekend, do blow and get freaky and shit. So it would just be me in the house. So I would time it. And Maddie told me he was going to be at Jesume's house. I would stay upstairs till 8-2, jerk off, watch USA night flight. That's an old school show. Yeah. And then about 3.30, I'd take my car over there when all those chicks were wounded, fucking seals.

All of them were wounded. I'd walk in like King Farooke. I was 20 and filled to come. You understand me? And everybody was getting yum yams. And I would walk in there like, where are you coming from? And I'd make believe I came from like a, I was at a party with actresses. I was at home jerking off like a fucking mulodge.

I was out with fucking nobody. And I'd walk in there, they'd be wounded deer. And I'd pick up the remains, the caucuses that were just laying there with their mouth open. You were like a feeder fish on the back of a shark. It was horrible. But every time I went, I'd made a new chick. I'd listen to some ear beating. And I'd end up giving her a standard.

Ear beating. Oh, no. They give you some earbeating how they were an artist. And they were going to get a booth at the farmer's market. You know, I need this shit. That's great. A boat for the farmer? Yeah, I harvest honey.

That's great. You're going to starve to death for the rest of your life. Just suck the pipe so I get home and got a shit to do. At what point do you call off the ear beating? Like, after like 20 minutes, do you leave? Oh, no. Listen, there's no woman that's going to suck your pipe without giving you a little bit of an airbeat. Well, we feel you got to earn it.

Yeah, you got to earn it. So you've got to take that earbeat and make believe you're interested. Yeah. No shit. Wow. How did he get that? Yeah, but whatever. What if you're there for an hour?

Are you still talking to her? No, after 40-minute march, she's got to take a shirt off. She's got to take her shoes off or some socks. Some skin's got to start. Yeah, collaterals got to start happening. Callateral. It's a little warm in here right now. Take that shirt off.

Have you seen my new bro? Oh, my God. I shouldn't be showing you. I'm engaged. You know, the whole fucking thing. It cost me $34 a Victorian. Let me see. Yeah, no shit.

Does it come a matching? I'm doing it. Yeah, but I can't show. he does it's prep. Come on. Only my fiancé sees don't. Do another blessed. I'll show you your fiance. Okay, but you're on time about it. And next thing you know, they take them all and the pants come off and they're snort in the bikini. And you're like, what the fuck that I do deserve this? And then you start, and then you just know how to do it. Oh, no. Then it's like a slow finger. Yeah.

It's like every 15 minutes you talk to you know what's a story. You put on some music. You throw them off. You put a little music on. They think it's like serious. But you know what? As much as from your. perspective. Oh, yeah. You know, you know what time it was, yeah. Girls are going to it knowing

it's the game. Everyone likes the dance. The dance. Everyone loves the dance. You put a little music on. They dance. We like to be like, oh, we don't want it.

You know, meanwhile, we're palpitating. I don't mean to disrespect you, but you really, really have some nice breasts. Really? You think so? Oh, I thought you were telling me.

I was like, thank you. and I realized it was a story and I just died inside. They'll tell you. They'll say, let me, let me, I can't tell you. You like my sister.

We got no coat. The real problem. Yeah. If we had a Coke and you wanted my sister, forget about it. I love that earring in your nose. Oh, my God. What? No, I just...

Madame Moselle. It's such a strong feminine figure. Oh, thank you. It's such a strong feminine figure of independence. Oh, my God. I can't believe you see that as a man. It means so much you recognize that. Most men from the East Coast don't really see that.

You're so sensitive. Do you want one of your balls in my mouth or both? Oh, both. And then you start telling them how your mother died. I found her in the kitchen. I love my mother. But once you start talking about your mother, it's all over. It's done.

You got to get them before they start talking about the mom. Don't come in my mouth. Listen, my mother raised a gentleman. That would never come in your mouth. And bam. Come in your butt hole. Yeah, no. You come everywhere.

They always tell you don't come in my mouth. That means my throat is open. You know what I'm saying? When they tell you don't come in my mouth, that means my throat is open. Up next on more captain's stories. This is definitely the episode that gets a kick off of my turn. No, what's they tell you? Don't come in my mouth.

That means don't shoot that fucking bell. You know that little bell they have in the back of their throat? Yeah. That's the target. If you hit the bell, you get a little doll like in Cardover. You get 10 tickets.

It's that type of night, motherfuckers. Uncle Joey coming at you live. My girl, Jesemi Paluso and shit. And shit. Lee Syatt, 2,000 milligrams deep of the stars of death. Look at them. How are you feeling? You're going through changes.

two nights in a row, dog. You're a fucking Marine. You understand me? It's pretty bad. Here we go. No, no. I'm sorry I even asked you. He's going to start stutter and spit.

His eyes always shut. I don't want to speak badly just because people passed away. But this week, there have been two food, like the challenges where you have to eat a lot of food and that people have died. Yeah. Pancake challenge. Pancake and donut. Oh, good. But those are both like doughy things.

Like you can't. I can't even, I almost died on a pancake at brunch last week. I wasn't even trying to do a challenge. Jesus. That was just a sick cake. And people die in threes and you wanted to go to a buffet and loffin. People die in threes. And this one wants to do something?

No, he was in luffel last week. I'm going to a Chinese buffet. What the egg roll challenge? Did you do an egg row challenge? I almost strangled them on the phone. You would do an egg girl challenge? I almost strangled them on the phone. He was going to eat Chinese food at the Grand Canyon.

Like any Chinese people stayed behind. What are you doing? There's a fucking people in disguise with Halloween costumes. You're better off eating sticks from the, From the dirt. Thank God, Lee. Thank God. Because I got to deal with you.

But anyway, what else is going on with you? Oh, you know, I'm just living life. I invest in a dispensary, so that's opening up in like a month. What is the grand opening? Well, the grand opening is going to be a little bit later. We're going to have all our friends. I'm going to invite you to come by, smoke some dope. No.

Are you going to be working it, too, a couple days a week? If they need me to, yeah. But I'll be on, I'll be on, like, the other side for sure. doing what we're going to do a podcast from there We have like a little lounge area That we're going to do a podcast from That's very smart Yeah we're excited

We have a nice little backyard with chickens in it and shit Probably chicken shit as well It's called LaFlora Organica Going to be opening probably in like a month or so Are they guard chickens? Yeah they are guard chickens Guard cocks if you will We put like a spike collars around their necks

And we train them to peck people right in their dicks What made you want to open up in the dispensary? Well I've been working with honeybear farms for a while Like I met them probably like over a year ago and we just were friends hanging out and then one day they asked if I wanted to be a partner and I was like fuck yeah I want to you know you got to diversify and stretch out and take risks diversify Diversify like Tony Montana is four you fuck yeah so we just uh it just worked out it was just like you know synergistic how it all came together good for you man thank you're making the move and shit making the move and I saw you on High court. Wasn't it fun?

It was fun. It was fun. I was fun. It was fun. It was fun. People were, because I only took, like, on the show, it only looked like I took one hit from the bong. But they don't realize, like, in the green room, everyone's fucking around.

We're all smoking. No, I saved myself for the fucking chill. I saved myself for the camera. I was fucked. I was fucking. You know, I was getting anxiety sitting there smoking. Yeah, that's why I was like. I was really going through something, but I just smoked it right through.

You smoked through it. It was terrible. My throat was hurt Yeah I got dry mouth Yeah yeah It was fucking weird I was blasted

I started Dancing in the back It's amazing that Doug got That show on the air Like that shit shows To show you Crazy It's crazy

It's 2017 It's 2000 And there's a fucking Judge show on the air That they smoked dope They smoked dope And it's called the high court It's not even like an innuendo

For 15 fucking minute On air On air You have to really think About your futures In American Yeah And even though the DEA says it's illegal and the whole thing, it don't get, like the show is on the fucking air.

It's on the air. And the fact that even marijuana, like, that we're in this scenario is so crazy. Like, look at what alcohol has done to people for years and we'll continue to do to people. How many people die with alcohol-related deaths. It's, it is like an epidemic. Well, I said on the podcast last night or I said on the periscope that I read somewhere that all the we, all the states that have medical. marijuana or something like that emergency opioid things are down and I always said that I always said you know what man it's a transfer of addiction but I'd much rather you smoke dope

fuck yeah then eat over opiates uh oxycodies yeah people are dying left and right that's a epidemic right now for sure so look at heroin that oh in Ohio the heroin problem I mean you know I don't know how many people are dying daily and it's so weird the logic behind it you go away for 30 days to a rehab. Right, and they put you on other drugs. No, you come out of that rehab and you go to shoot what you were shooting

before you went to that rehab. It's like if I come down, like I'm allowed to eat edibles on Easter Sunday. That's when the egg is going to hatch and that's when Jesus comes out of the hole. That's when I eat a fucking edible. Do you understand?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I'm going to do is if you think I'm going to eat 2,000 edibles right off the bat, I will have a heart attack. My heart won't go that. It won't. And that's what I'm going to do. really happened to me last week in that green room.

I brought some weed back with me that was so fucking strong. To the high court? No, to where? To fucking Nyack last week. Oh, Nyack to levity. And I had dry. I put all my weed in front of a dryer.

Is this when you were tired too? Yes. See, that is, those two combined? It was fucked up. Yeah. I like my weed dry. I put it in a bag in front of a heater. Yep.

And I said, my wife comes and tapes the bottom down. She was like, no more. I could smell the weed all over the house. And I granulate that shit. And I smoke it in bongs or in pipes. On the road, I'll roll it. But on the road, I'll cut it with a scissor and put it in there in chunks. Yep.

And I'll lay on. I get fucking lit. Yeah. I got so lit in that green room. My heart was beaten out. And you were exhausted already. I was wiped up. You just weren't.

All your levels were just discombobulated. You were all mixed up. So after this flight this week, next Thursday, I got to go ahead of acupuncture. I've never done it. that maybe I had acupuncture Wednesday I'll be on the fucking west side because that decompobulates me back yeah because I've been going for 10 years so now it's very easy for her to align things you've been going to acupuncture for 10 years before I started it's going to be 10 years this November I haven't snorted coke and I went to her a year before I got off the blow so

it'll be 11 years I've been dealing with that's impressive bro I'm the type of do loyalty when somebody does a good job and they treat me right that's why I'm I still go to Chan's. That's why I still go to Rudy's. Yeah. I don't disrespect them. I won't eat no other Chinese food to disrespect them in the area. Right.

You know, when I was a kid, it was Rudy's or fucking the other one, I forget. And for years, people would fucking argue about it. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck of 18-year-old girls. I'm not at the other place. I went to Rudy's. I'm one of those dudes, man. I don't give a fuck.

When the food's good and you take care of me, I'll keep coming back. Yeah, that's the way it should be. Yeah. I think so. But. acupuncture makes you relaxed that night I'll sleep like a baby I want to try it

yeah it's interesting stuff when I do the cupping to move your blood around I do the whole fucking thing man Does that hurt is that the cut The ones that you have the welts on your bag Does that hurt? No The one there's some points And when she pulls them off you feel it

Off your nut No off your back but you don't You don't really Nah you get used to them You know I gotta try that I went somewhere and I had pulled the form I was fucking around

doing something with kettlebells and I fucked up and I went to do radio somewhere and they were going to have a team there that works on the NFL team. It was Charlotte and the guy came in and he goes let me show you how we do it with this. They cup you and then they move it around to loosen the money.

It was fucking brilliant. Like what they do with that stuff. So they use heat to like to make the pressure? The cup is like me squeezing you. It's like in Spanish compo Paiiko, come here, give me your arm. That's what I'm doing to you, basically.

Because you're getting the, you're like, tomorrow morning you'll wake up and go, Joey fucking bruised my arm. What they do is they... And then I just start sucking dicks. That suction gets like little things that get your blood circulate. That makes sense.

Like when I went to Dr. Amy, I was probably at that point, maybe 370. And my ankles were swollen. And she goes, that's so first thing we're going to work on because that's all basically acupuncture is about it. Circulation. Yeah. And keep in long.

Listen, nobody smokes more cigarettes than the Chinese, but they have less cancer than we do. When you drive and you see some dude at the park, that dude smokes more like a chimney. The Tai Chi gets oxygen to all parts of your body. Yeah. It creates cancer when you don't give a part of your body oxygen. Yep, that's right.

So it's really interesting, like all these little things that, listen, you have insurance. Use it. I mean, some Americans don't have dick, and that breaks my fucking heart. I know. A lot of people don't. But a lot of people join unions or grandfonging in, you know.

And there's so many little things in your insurance that you're eligible for. You can get gym memberships. Like if you get a chiropractor once a month, that means they'll approve acupuncture once a month. I got to look into my insurance, man. Don't you have screen actors, Gil? No, I go through Blue Shield. I was going to do. Is screen actors guild one good?

It's good, but you got to earn every year. Yeah. See, that's a thing. You got to earn it every year. Which is that? which good. Now you have a goal. Now you know I got to earn 33 grand a year.

Oh, mom I don't get her pussy who looked at. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? There's no fucking sterps. Yeah. They sent me the form, but I already had all their insurance.

I just kept it. Because you'll have that insurance. And once you're in for 10 or 15 years, you have insurance for life. Like, I'm old-time and in now for level two. I get everything except. Oh, shit. You're rolling at level two?

Yeah. Oh, fuck. Go win? For life. You got that gold card? The gold card. Oh, shit. That means I can't go to a rehab.

and I can't get glasses. That's it. I can still go for my dental. I love them. Like, oh, you got that gold card. That means I just can't get glasses. Level one. Level one, by now,

you're probably going to make 40 grand a year. Yeah. And that gets you a rehab, mental health, and some, and glasses. But you're still paying three bills for glasses. I'm a drunk with bipolar disorder

and I'm blind. Yeah, they still bang you out for glasses. Like, all that shit, you get like $30 off for glasses, You know, like that, that's just bullshit. Every time I go for glasses, you drop $400. It's fuck. I've never.

It's fucking crazy. I don't need glasses, man. Everyone else. Wait until you hit 42. Oh, shit. And especially now, the age is going to go down because of computers. That's. You think that you think computers are making us more blind.

I think that if, if as a natural adult, what age, I started losing my side at maybe 44. Now, I'm going to tell you something. I could see a red light from eight miles away. Dang. I was one of those dudes. When I was snort and blow, you couldn't get anything past me. I could see through a fucking wall. I always had 20-20 vision.

Eight miles? Like a straight? Eight miles or like a hilly one? When I was a kid, I'd go to the eye doctor and cry. A curvy one. Yeah, it's curvy. I'd be real impressed. When I was a kid, I'd go to the eye doctor and cry for him to give me glasses.

And he's like, you got 20-20 vision. Be happy. And I'm like, I need glasses. I'm telling you. No, you don't. And so I always had 20-20 vision. When you turn about 44, shit starts fucking with you. You're like, way.

Oh, man. And then it really starts going. Like, if you leave the house without glasses, you're fucked. So what you do is you go to the doctor and you get one pair of glasses, but you sit on them. And you fuck them up. Like, I almost sat in your glasses just earlier. They're $300. And then you go for a second pair, and now they're $350.

And one day you go on the T.J. Max and they sell a whole package of $10 for $42. Yeah, they do. Because it doesn't matter. You're just going to break them and lose them. I stepped on mine in the hotel room last week. Looking for them, I stepped back. I went down and then it was. I gave them to my wife the crazy girl.

She goes, I can't save these. I fucking leave. I got them in the shitter. I got a pair in my car and a pair in the trunk just in case. You have a pair in the bathroom. You have to. Yeah. Because sometimes you go in the bathroom.

You got your phone in your pocket. And all of a sudden you want to check your tweets. You're going to be there for 20 minutes. Yeah. And all of a sudden you don't have your glasses. Do you take 20 minutes shits? No, no, no. Who the fuck knows?

How long you think you're taking it? I'm a fast guy. I'm too. I'm in and out. Today I sneezed at the psychotherapist and a little fart came out. I had to run right from the door and open up the door and she still took a whiff of it. I felt so bad. One time when I weighed 400 pounds, I went to Dr. Waxler.

And I was laying in the bed and they gave me one of those heart things. And they said, you can get up now. And the doctor went to pull me. And as I got out, a fart slipped out of my ass and everybody looked at each other. And I stood in front of the door. can get out and I'm asking them stupid questions so how long does this headache last and like well we don't know let's get the chart before you leave let me ask you another question this podcast is brought to you by helix sleep night after night two people lay in the same bed but when it comes time to buy a new

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Are you kidding me or what? Chris Hellbell, Jake, Lee Bowden, Matt Mavin, Sam Cicoli, and Savage Codda. I don't know what the fuck you name is. Is this you or me? Who the fuck is called? That's not me. Don't make me strangling. Mine's off.

You know what I'm a professional? These are these people That shit is shot out People hitting you up No no no They're not gonna need me Thursday night So I'll be on that fucking plane With Joe Joe Rogan

That's right To Buffalo New York The first thing I'm gonna do is got a beef on Wick I think Thursday night If I get it in time I'm gonna go see Steve Renazizi At Helium Do 10 minutes That's a great club

Fuck yeah And then eat a fucking beef on Wick That's the plan I don't go to no bars. I don't need no bars. It's an old, drawbridge. There's a bunch of things

I stay out of at night. You understand me? Drawbridge bars? Yeah, I don't go nowhere at night. I'm an old man. Yeah. I'm still a night creeper. I like to get up in those dark corners.

I don't know. People fucking bother me, taking pictures of two more. Yeah, it is kind of a lot. It's annoying. Yeah. Especially after you perform. You just want to eat and chill. You just want to eat and chill.

That's it. And hang out with a good friend. It's not going to work. So I just go to the hotel room. It's all. Yeah. I have a joint. I have some hot chocolate in the lobby.

Hot chocolate in the lobby. Fuck, yeah. Salt, sugar-free. From that fucking little German family. I do it right, though. I do it right. I ain't got time for fun and fucking games. You know what I'm saying?

From that little German family. What else has been going on with you? You've been touring? Touring, yeah. So you're going to New York next week. I'm going to be in New York. I'll be in bananas. All right.

No, but you're just doing sets around the city. I'm doing, I'm taping comedy knockout this week, and then I'm taping a new show next week. Okay. And then I have bananas on April 7th and 8th. So you'll be in New York for how long? Two weeks. Nice time of the year. It's a great time to be in New York.

Staying up in Harlem for the first couple days and then probably down in Chelsea area. I like to be central so I can get everywhere. Everywhere. All my old spots. Me? I don't like to move around when I'm in New York. I grew up there. I seen all the spots.

I go to Jimmy and Norton, whatever, Jimmy's show with the dude right outside. They got gyros. They got Cybrid hot dogs. They got the dude right there. They got the deli down the corner. I hop back in that uba. I take it right back to the ferry. And you go across over the river.

Zip, Zip Magoo. I land in fucking wee hawking. I take an Uber to the hotel. You stay in Jersey. Yeah. You're stopping grounds. Yeah. I want there's a Cuban restaurant

down the corner of the delivers. I don't make no misunderstanding. Yeah. I roll around a bit. And if I go up that hill, like last week I stayed in Nyack and it was great. I got great food delivered to the hotel.

It was a great weekend. I love that. I love that levity club. You like it too? I loved it. The staff, everything about it is stellar. The food was good. The food is good.

The food is good. They're good. It was great. I love that. That's my new fucking favorite joint. It's a great club. I first looked at the ceilings. I'm like,

fuck, the ceilings are high. Yeah. And you're worried about the sound and like how it's going to travel. It's a beautiful room. They've got it set up good. Saturday night,

I told you some kid got hit in the head with a bottle. He told me that. Fucking tremendous. Tremendous. He said it was the best night of his life. The best night of his life. He got hit in the head. It was his birthday.

Best night of his fucking life. They're savages. Let me tell you what happens Saturday night. That really doesn't happen a lot. But when it happens, it throws you off. Like it hurts my feelings when it happens. Yeah. Every show is great.

Saturday night, final show, you got to get hyped. You got to get. This is the first one that sells out. These motherfuckers been waiting for you. They drove six hours. I go up there, everything's rocking and rolling. But at about the 18-minute mark, there's a guy that's just talking

and just talking. Like then the first show there was a girl when the check came she giggled that shit I could deal with. Yeah. Okay. And I don't usually say anything bad. This guy kept going.

I mean, after I'd say every joke, where's Lee? He was talking to you? Yeah, like, and he was being annoying. People are looking at me and I'm listening to this guy And finally at the 42 minute mark. He started the 18 minute mark.

Yeah. And he just went straight. And you didn't do nothing. You're just chilling in it. Listen, if you give them attention. Because then you got to do it. You got to get into it. I just stopped.

And I go, do me a favor, bro. Stop it. And I went to say a joke and he talked again. And I said, dog, please. And I said it again. I go, listen, the next time I got to ask you to fucking leave. And the room got silent. And that's it.

You just lost a battle. Yeah. You just lost the battle. Yes. But for some reason, I go, hey, none of you guys got my back. And now they all went bananas. Yeah. And the guy sat there glaring at me all fucking pissed off all night.

Embarrassing his wife, embarrassing the couple he came with. And I understand you listen to the podcast. But that gives you no right to act that way. Right, because this isn't the podcast. It's like me going to your fucking job and hitting you with a needle one time at the top of every minute. And the most important part where you're trying to, like a game of operation. I would say a punch. And he'd be like asking a stupid question.

You're going to smoke rape for the night, Joey? You're going to, are you going to hang out, Joey? Are you going to, what the fuck? We'll get a baby, you know, like, I finally answered him one time. I go, no, I got a 545 flight. I got to get the fuck out of. He's like, well, get a baby son. I go, listen, that's what the brown with America is.

I really got a babysitter. And when the kid shows up with Milo Yanopolis at your door, you wonder what happened, where did my parenting skills go wrong. Well, you know, you got a babysitter. Yeah. Babysitter sucked this dick, and he liked it. So now what the fuck you're going to do? And the guy's name was Chuck.

So Chuck the fuck. Chuck the fuck, well. So I don't know if the guy liked that. He kept making little fucking remarks. He was like Ed McMahon, but it was, I don't mind getting heckled. This guy wasn't heckled. See, that's the thing. It was a big difference.

It was a little, it's like when you try to fall asleep and somebody leaves the radio on two. Yes. That's the best way to describe it. Yep. And it's not loud at all, but you hear all the commercials. Yes. Do you slip in your tub? You know, call 1-800, don't sleep no more.

Social Security packages are discovered, you know what I'm saying? Two, 300, Empire. You could hear that as a soft, like, I don't mind that night. I like the sound of a fan. I like when I go to a hotel and I put it on high and I hear the fans. Yeah, but that's different than, like, actual conversation. It was just a little chatter, and it was just stupid questions. But the fact that it was to you is brazen.

You know what I mean? Like, some people are just talking and being interrupted. to each other. But when he's talking to you, that's crazy. It was crazy. That's crazy. Every once in a while you have those type of shows. When I was a feature act, I used to go off for no reason.

And there's still a tape of me going off, opening up for Rogan in Ontario, maybe 12 years ago. Yeah. That people hated me for it because the guy, there's times that there's a performer on stage. At that time, Joe Rogan was on Fear Factor. And let me tell you what used to happen. Oh, God. I can't even imagine. We're going back 2000.

Joe Rogan was on Fear Factor. He was a very good-looking guy. So what happens? You've been in relationships before. That's very presumptuous. When you go to your boyfriend and go, hey, honey, I want to go see. Ryan Reynolds naked. No, I want to go see.

John Stamos fucking a goat. No, no, no. I want to go see some. You know, like, remember for a while, these fucking good-looking guys got into bands and shit. Like good looking, let's say like, I'm just throwing this out there. Yeah, yeah. Like Gavin Rossdale. So you come to me.

Right. I'm 26. I live weights. I do steroids. You know, I love you. You know, I love you. My mother's going to love you, okay? And one day at dinner, you go, guess what?

I got us tickets to go see John Bon Jovi. So I like Bon Jovi. I love Bon Jovi since day one. But now in my demented self-esteem, low self-esteem mind, I popped a question, do you like Bon Jovi? No, I don't like Bon Jovi. So all of a sudden, in my demented head, you ever deal with somebody that jealous? Yeah.

I was that jealous, so I know exactly how this works. When you're that type of jealous and all of a sudden, now, even though I like Bon Jovi, I fucking love Bon Jovi. Yeah, Bon Jovi's a puke, okay? Fuck Bon Jovi. Last week we were listening to Say Goodbye when I was sucking a dick in the car. Now you don't like Bon Jovi all of a sudden. Yeah. This guy came to a Joe Rogan show hating Joe Rogan.

Sitting with a mug because his wife was like, yes, Joe Rogan. Yep, in love. So I go up, I'm just a shitty fat fuck, you know, and I'm trying to be cute. It's Joe Rogan's show. Yep. It's the fear factor. I'm not going to go up there and be witty. I'm not going to win them over.

I'm just killing fucking time and practice in new material. Right. This guy just started heckling. He started heckling. Fuck you and Joe Rogan, man. Fuck you and Joe Rogan. The poor girl was turning pink. This poor girl.

From the AIDS he gave her. No. From the fucking embarrassment. Yeah. From the fucking embarrassment. Because his guy's just, he's such an insecure twat. I've been there. Everyone has.

I know what it's like when your girlfriend says, I'm going to see the partridge family. You like fucking. The partridge family? You like fucking Donnie Osmond. In the sixth grade, I was in love with a girl. She liked Donnie Osmond. Every time she put the Osmond's on, I'd cry. the corner like a pussy and throw a fit.

What are your chances of meeting Donnie Osmond? You're a fat fucking chicken New Jersey. You know what I'm saying? What was I thinking? She wasn't a fat fucking chick. She was a hot. But at that age, in my fucking world,

every time I heard the fuck, I love the Osmond's. I love the Osmond's. One bad apple, don't spoil a whole bunch of you. I don't care what they said. I don't care what you heard. It was them against the Jackson's, Jack.

It was the Osmond's against. the Jackson's for a while. Was it really? Yes. For what? Like, what were they fighting for? Like it was the Jackson's put out ABC? Bro.

Donnie. Here, do me a favorite. Put the video on. Put on ABC. And I'm back. Put on one bad apple. From Donnie and Marie Osmond. Yeah.

Watch. What the fuck? Do you think they became famous? Because she's a fat fuck and got a talk show in the daytime. They were famous when you were an itching your daddy's pants. Put on ABC by the Jackson 5. Okay.

This is why it was the fucking Jackson's. Oh, yeah. I got to teach your whole fucking generation. ABC is no joke. But listen. No, listen. But I don't know about the Donny Osmond. I'm going to give it to you right now.

They had beef on the streets. Just listen to this. All right. Why talk when you can listen? You ever think of that? Why talk? Just put the fucking thing on. Watch.

Watch ABC. Listen to ABC for three minutes. Do you not find the fucking song? Speed that up a little bit, MTV James. There you go. Kick it up. This is what the... Oh shit.

Listen to this. Listen to the voice. Put on one bad apple. By Donnie Osmond. All the Osmond's or whatever the fuck comes up. Okay. I gotta give these youngsters an education. You're on 2,000 milligrams of fucking edible trying to do the shit.

Not live. One bad apple. the Osmans, but yeah, that one's right there. Click that one right there. Whatever the fuck that was. Unbelievable what I got to deal with. One bad apple, the Osmonds.

Oh, my God. Even the outfit? Put on the second. All right, put on the first one. Yes, I could see it. Listen to the song. Listen to the fucking song, all right? I'm going to schooling you, motherfucker's what was going on.

Watch. Listen to it, Doug But this is nothing That's the ugly osmic Yeah You need love But you're afraid that if you Look if he's Mormon

They were Mormons Someone else The little one is Donnie Right You see him Watch This is what you missed Oh my god

This is what nobody saw Look at that cute motherfucker What? When that bitch came to town You suck that Mormon dick Remember on that show And that music

show on HBO and they signed them. Remember that music show? Listen. This guy's terrifying. He looks like a human worm. I think I'm still a Jackson 5. Okay, I need... Go back to I want you back by the Jackson 5.

Get the video of them singing it. I never knew this. You motherfuckers don't know nothing about nothing. That's what the church of what's happened now is giving you. Is giving you a fucking... You ain't going to learn this shit in school. I had no idea there was this beef. on, I want you back.

It was not a beef. It was not a beef. It was called. Go ahead, right there. Right there. I almost peed my pants. Look at them. Black people with capes. That's when you know it's going to...

Look at this shit. Now, watch this. Oh, poor Michael. Are you fucking kidding me? This was America in 1970. This is 1969. They had never seen nothing like this. Speed it up a little bit.

So you can see the brother Jermaine. See that? See the one with not yet? Not yet. Not yet. I don't think it compares. Watch, but watch the star you're going to see right now. Speed it up a little bit.

Don't worry about but compare it. See the brother in the back with the blue shirt? Yeah. Right there. Go. Watch. Here we go. Okay.

See? Yeah. They pattern the same thing. Yeah. Watch. Watch. The other brother would sing. That's the one that left in Jackson 5,

married Barry Gordy, and that's why there was no more Jackson 5. That guy. He left. He stayed with Motown, and the Jackson's left Motown. As a family, and fucking Germain stayed and married Barry Gordy's daughter.

Oh, shit. And he put out a soul arm, which was a disaster, and the Jackson's became the Jackson's and what they did was they had another younger brother who played the bongos and they put him in the band

and that's how the Jackson became. But I have a question. Go ahead. Now, the Osmond's, what time did they come around? They came around right there. They were neck and neck for a little while,

but then Michael Jackson overpowered. I mean, obviously, but Donnie's, I didn't know I did a voice like that. Dog, but when he turned... It changed. It changed. The game changed.

His voice changed. So America gave them a TV. variety show. Did you know? Yeah, I remember that show. Donnie and Re-show. Every Friday nights. Yeah, I may don't remember it, but I know it was. I would sit at this girl's house and just sit there. While she watched Donnie Osmond with her grandmother and mother

and faggy brother, they would watch the fucking Osmond's. He wasn't gay. I mean, he was just a fucking nerd too. Because, you know, I wasn't into the Osmond's. I'm not going to sit here and watch these fucking moops. But these people were Cuban. They embarrassed me. You know what I'm saying? But at that time, I wasn't fucking. I was just dry-humping.

You only dry-humping? That's it. Pant come. That's it. Pant come. And we sit there and look at each other and make believe you want. I just said pant come and you knew what I meant. You're like, yep.

Cigliaments. We just said we put on earthwind and fire. And your pants would catch on fire. And I dry hump of the death of the whole album of, that's the way of the world. Fuck yeah. I used to bust her zipper every day. You know what I'm saying? Never did I see.

One time I saw her tithies in all those years. And I never even went for her monkey. I was so cat. Her monkey. I was very satisfied, just dry hump and I get a little dizzy. Oh, my God. And that was it. That my stepfather called her in the closet one time.

And that was the end of that too. In your, like, legit closet or like, homosexual closet. Yeah, my closet. My stepdad came home. My stepdad knew he opened up the things he was sitting at top of us. He's like, tell him put his shirt on, and then both of you can get the fuck out. How old are you? Maybe 12.

Oh, that's so cute. Maybe. That's so cute. Pant coming at 12. She broke my fucking soul Of course she did She didn't break my heart She broke my soul

That broke me for three or four years Until you were 15? No Like she broke me at 12 Broke me Like I got left back Like it was fucked up I couldn't go to summer school

I couldn't think All I stopped going to karate I stopped playing basketball It was your first pant come situation It was my first love It was just brutal And we got caught playing hooky We would play hooky

Every day For the second session. We would go to school from 9 to 12 and they'd go to the shop right. We would steal Hubabubba. And then go on the rocks and confess our love to one another. Oh my God. And talk about how we were going to run away.

Like we're going to bust out like Bon Jovi. That's why that album always reminds me because everybody from New Jersey will bust out together. What was her name? New Yorker. New Yorker? New Yorker. She was Cuban. N-U-I-R-K-A. N-U-I-R-K-A. N-U-R-K-A. And she was gorgeous. Oh, my God. banging Indian Cuban like American Indian blood

Cuban yeah and it's fucking crazy we dated flowers I was in love with it and then my motherfucking called her mother a whore and called her a whore and Spanish and that was the end

I made dry hope of her and shit I couldn't know more pant come after you call him a punta but then two years later we were friends we were fucking you know friends you guys would go for coffees

no no there was no coffee in those days we rode up bicycles and played buck bucks and fucking got the ice cream Oh look who woke up and just said you I hated her fucking brother I fucking hated him and he hated me but we all hung out with the same clan so he can never really do

nothing to me and one day I had this bicycle my friend Valentin used to steal bicycles and redo them and he used to go take this bicycle take it for a ride let me know what you think and I would come back and go it's not a bad bicycle where you got to fix the fucking tire pressure you got to put

He'll go, all on the chain. And he goes, okay, whatever. So one day I'd take a bicycle from him. I go, he goes, take this bicycle. Let me know how it feels when you shift. And as I was going down there, like, well, Valentine, the stream wheel's not right. And he goes, don't worry.

Just, you're only going to go to Charles Court and back. I go, right, I'm just going to go to Charles Court. So I go to Charles Court, which is the street over. Charles Court is a circular street. Yeah. What do you call this? I called the sack. Yeah, it didn't close off, but you could just make a circle.

In the middle, it was an island. saw it and there was two houses that were back to back to each other. So we were, I dropped a bicycle on the bottom of the, like on the middle of the island. And we were playing stickball, like over here by, by Dean LaPreet's house. It was Sabatino and this kid named John Prongay. Well, I just did an interview of the Iceman. That was the guy at the Iceman's helper. Yeah.

He had a Mr. Softie truck. His kids were all playing. And New Yorker was there with a bunch of other girls and we just do, you know, what 12-year-olds do? Yeah. You know, in New Jersey. We play stickball, and now the girls are playing. Nobody was into pussy then. We were just starting to like pussy and whatever,

and she picked up the 10 speed. Right now, I'm over here playing stickball, and I see her pick up the 10th speed, and I'm doing New Yorker, be careful with the fucking steering wheel. So she grabs onto the steering wheel, and she comes up the hill. Uh-oh. And she's peddling up towards me.

I'll never forget that she's pedaling up tall. Well, she took the bike from like a corner and she went by me. Yeah. So we went the other way of the island to catch her. I kept saying New York had watched the fucking steering wheel. Me and like three of my buddies like New York and watch the steering wheel. You know when somebody steals your bicycle? Yeah.

The goof on you. She did it as one of that. She didn't know it was fucked. And she didn't know it was fucked. So she gets on and she all of a sudden she takes the turn and she's going downhill. We're coming from this way like this. And I'm yelling at New York and stop the bicycle. New York has stopped the bicycle.

New York is stopped the bicycle, the fucking steering wheel. And she's giggling the whole way. And we're like, New York has stopped the bicycle. And she went to turn away from us. Oh, God. And she went over the fucking steering wheel, right? Bam, banged up. She got up, you know.

We carried her up. She was fine. We talked to her for a while. I was just really stressed out. Oh, my God. Her grandmother fucking... That story really stressed me out. Oh, you have no fucking idea.

I thought she... I pictured her careening over her. We all said our goodbyes and went home at 7 o'clock to eat dinner at our own homes. The next day I go to school 8, and I'm one of the teachers are waiting for me outside. They go, did you hear the news? New York had a blood clot in the brain. They're in intensive care. She might not make the day from her falling on the bicycle.

I live with that till this day. I did not push her off the bike. I did not go for it. She didn't hear us, and when she went to turn away from us, she went over the front handlebars. I mean, it was bad. It was like she was telling the mother, open up the windows. My grandfather wants me. Open up the windows.

She was saying that? Yeah, they were crying in the room and shit. I could see my grandpa. He wants me to come with him. She said she could see her grandfather? Oh, it was fucking horrible. Oh, my God. So at the end of the school day, we all went over to the house.

And then they got out of intensive care. She's going to be in a coma for a while, but she's going to make it. Induced coma? Like, I don't know. I don't fucking remember. It was like this fucking, I was in the eighth grade. I was in the, eighth grade and she was a freshman okay because i got left back yeah so i went over there every day

and bought a goldfish she liked goldfish after they shaved the head oh my god right let me tell you how good looking this bitch was with a shaved head in 1970 fucking seven just rocking it she still won the homecoming yeah pre-dain freshman i'm sure she was she was just gorgeous i had gone crazy like i was out of my league She would even tell me, I can't kiss you in front of the other people. We used to just walk home together and go behind a wall and make out. And I'd dry hump her up against the wall and shit. So we never dated again. You know, there was no bad feeling.

She recovered. And then that was when I was in the eighth grade. And she was a freshman. And I'd see her at the high school and I'd say hello and we were still kind of friendly. And one day my mom dies. I think she comes to the wake. And then like a year or two later, I'm living at the beach. I'm living at the Bender's house

and I'm a junior in high school and one Sunday night Mr. Bender, I hear the doorbell room Mr. Bender goes, there's a girl out there she wants to talk to you. I go outside, it's Nikki Areza. Shut up.

Fucking, she's a 12 now. Yeah. You know, like I never, at that point I was into other girls, the heartbreak was done. Of course. I would see her and not really look at it and I go, what's going on?

And I looked at her tits and they were ginormous. She hit the side of the head that controls the growth of your tits. So her tits in high school senior year were mountains. She hit the side of her head that control. This is the craziest thing. Can someone punch me in that on my way out?

But she also fucked her up because she was as Catholic as I was. Obviously, that's how we were dry on me. Right. I mean, the day I sucked the titty, she cried for four days. In those days, that was the last thing on your mind that you were going to suck your tits when you were so into Catholic street. But let me tell you something, bro. She looked me straight in the face.

And it was like three weeks away from the senior prom. And she goes, Coco, I need a big figure from me. And she goes, like, we never had sex. And she looked me straight and the fish. She goes, I need a big failure from me. She goes, I don't have a date for the senior prom. She goes, me and my boyfriend broke up, and I'm not in the mood of getting a boyfriend.

She goes, if you take me to the senior prom, I will make it worth your while. I will fuck your fucking bra. I mean, she went from a girl that didn't even talk that way. To, like, know how to talk that. Like, I will fuck your fucking brains out. You will fucking come to death. And it was so intimidating.

I was like, I'll call you in a week. And I just slammed the door. I went in, I jerked off. Like, the fear went away, and I never called her again. You never did. Fuck, no. That's how prudish I was at that time. Like, she's scared.

It could also. The fuck out of me. But you know when people say they don't want to meet their idols or their heroes because they're going to be disappointed? It could have been bad. Maybe it was better you didn't. No, if anybody was going to be bad, if anybody was going to be bad, Lacking him, the sex department is going to be me at that age.

Oh, my God. I would just get excited and come all over myself and run home. You never called her again. I was she petrified? Joe, you gave her a fucking brain aneurysm. The least you could have done was fisted the girl. Seven years ago, I was talking to a friend of mine. She goes, guess who I saw?

And I go, who? And she goes, how's she doing? And she goes, she definitely doesn't want to talk to you. I go, really? And she goes, Coco, I was there that day. You didn't do anything wrong. You went. You were yelling.

on that and she was giggling she didn't hear you guys and she went over the steering wheel she goes i was there i knew how you felt i knew how you reacted i always felt bad about it but i tried to friend her on facebook she pretty much told me to go fuck myself i actually sent her a message and i heard you bump into my friend lisa you know i constantly think of you you know i know her mom had died and i sent a note you know but whatever people uh look at things i mean they hang on to things and be them from a certain way. I heard over the years, she just went off the deep.

Yeah. A lot of beautiful girls tend to. She went off the deep end. So I always lived with that, that Jesus fucking Christ, like... It wasn't your fault. You know, you couldn't...

It's one of those life moments where people make a choice and it puts them on a path and you could have, you know, a leaf could have fallen a different way and something else would have happened differently. It's just that those little,

you know, life's trajectories is very, they're very complicated. And where they end up is out of our hands. It's amazing the shit that happens as we grow up in the relationship we have.

Yeah, it's crazy. And you think back to them. There's a girl on Facebook that I'm dying to say something. You should do it. If you feel it in your gut, you should. What's the worst that's going to happen?

My thing is, if you have something like that where there's an emotion behind the desire, you should do it. She told me your mother died. I went over the house to give her a stabbing. We were like in the eighth grade, we played CYO basketball, and she played.

She was a cheerleader. You sound like a ghost. Oh, please. You sound like you're haunting the podcast. So she was a cheerleader at the Holy Rosary. She went to Holy Rosary Academy. And I went to St. Michael's. I played for St. Michael's.

Automatically, that made them cheerleers. And she was a cute little redhead with freckles, Irish chick, the ones I like from Jersey. Oh, they're rabid in the sack. I love those motherfuckers. They're wild. But again. You know, you're just dry hump and knees. We were 13.

You're looking earlobes. I know. We were like holding hands and going to movies. That's cute. I was doing that too. I was cute. We meet on Wednesdays and get a slice of pizza. Yeah.

We sit and do our homework together. Go to the playground, swing on the swing set. She didn't have that devious mind and I didn't have it. And then one night, at that early age, we started talking on the phone about it. And we just said, okay, maybe tomorrow I'll come by your mother's by your house. And she goes, okay. And it's snowing, and we had a snow day. And I had to wait like an hour for the bus to go down there.

And I was all excited. And I walk in there. And we're bullshit. And also like, I go, can I ask you a question what time is your father? I got home. She goes, my father gets home. I go, what time's your mother home? She goes, I don't have a mother.

My mother died. My dick went into my nutsack. Not only did I want to dry her, but I had never heard that. Oh, that just got me hard, actually. I had never heard that before. Death gets me hard. Like, at that age, I had never heard nobody's mother died. Right, being that young when you need your mom.

Yeah. What did you do? Yeah. For your mother to die. Yeah, you must have done something terrible. And then like a week later, we actually had sex. You did? And then I dumped her for this girl, McNeil.

Oh. I couldn't take them. You know how you feel about the handlebars? This girl probably... You have no idea. She's probably thinking about... This is a girl you want a message? You got a message her.

This is horrible. You need... You should put her on the podcast. Wait, wait. You don't know what he wants to say to her yet. No, no, no, no, no, no. You ready? Yeah.

Oh, God. When I wake up at three in the morning and I'm going downstairs and find my mother a dead on the floor. Yeah. What are you think the first thing that popped in my mind was? Her. Colleen. I didn't forget how I treated it.

I looked her up on Facebook. She's on Facebook. It's taking me about a year They even message you You still haven't No, I don't have the heart to I don't know what made me do that at that age I still feel guilty about something

I didn't eat right? You know, but everyone, like that I had a kid call me Kevin Hart was somebody I was in love with Black Kevin Hart? White Kevin Hart, I acted black Like all the white guys I grew up with Now where did you grow up?

Syracuse New York Okay, how old are you now? I'm 34. You were a young girl. Yeah. So how old were you the first time you had sex? 16.

And was it for somebody you were love with? No. It was against my will. Really? Yeah. Okay. That's not bad either.

Yeah. You know, now as an adult, you know, it's kind of fun, but as a teenager, it's not the most fun. When was the first time you had sex with somebody you loved in high school, you were a cheerleader? He was a fucking organ player. You know, I didn't, probably not until I was like 19. It took a while to kind of figure all that shit out. Did you, was it a tough heartbreak? Yeah.

The first one. Oh, yeah. Is it tough for women also like it? I think, well, the problem with women is like, after, we're, you know, we have sex, usually we just, if we like you, then we want to be with you all the time. You know, it's like that bonding chemical that is released into us because nature wants us to be with you so we can rear a child and have a baby and do what we're, you know, genetically meant to do. It's very difficult for women to break away from that. So I think, you know,

if you sleep with the guy, if you fuck them, you're just like, okay, well, I guess this is it. We need to build a hut and have children and I should, you know, grow wheat and he can go out and hunt. That's like what's in our mind. Do you ever think of that guy? That's when you were 19. Do you ever think of where is he? I talk to him still. Okay. Good friends.

Really good friends, yeah. He was the first guy, probably one of the only guys I dated, that treated me the way I deserve to be treated. Why did you guys break up? I moved to New York to pursue comedy. Yeah. Was he upset? Yeah, we try to stay in touch, you know. We try to make that work, but I just fell in love with comedy.

That was the first, that was my second love, I guess, you know, and I just devoted myself to that. and he tried to you know come visit me but you know how you're on the grind you're just what do I tell this girl on Facebook I think this is 1977 that song Pegg by by Steely Day

still makes you think of her and her sister's name was Pegged yeah and her and her sister were fucking knockouts why don't you send her the link of the video I can't do that one yes you can't no because that meant I loved her sister that the only reason why I think of it when I hear Peg is because

She might make her laugh. No, she's married now. Like, I went on Facebook and checked her on. She's married. She has an autistic kid. Oh. I think you need to send her something. You think?

I do, because you, who cares? You know, it probably would, it would. Like it was a complete douchey fucking move. Watch me say this, and then she just sends a burning bag of shit to one of your comedy shows. Like 10 days after that whole thing went down, I went down. I went down. And I think I, we messed her. around in like an alleyway.

Like I busted her up in an alleyway. Like, and then I fucking walked her home. She cried a little bit. I called her the next day. Busted her up. And then I went to a party and I hooked up with this girl. And I called her. And I was like, I can't, uh, I told I was going to basketball camp and I wouldn't see

her all summer. So you, at least you said something to her. You had to, it's not that bad. She was pissed. I think you're riddled with guilt about shit. I think you're riddled with guilt and it's much worse than you think. She had a hot. A hot Cuban girlfriend, hot, banging.

I was also 13, and she was dating Silvio. This basketball guy from the same. Silvio, not Silvio. Years later, I saw Janeros in Hoboken, New Jersey. Yep. At this, like, B-Bob joint where Amund, you know, like, how you're going? With the gold chain and shit. Yeah, yeah.

And she was standing in front of us, this Chile, the Cuban girl. And I was with a buddy in mind, Fernie Basasuto, and these other dudes, Palekan and Stinky. Stinky. And we're watching a band. I hate to know why he got that name. with watching a band, and there's a girl here, and the Cuban girl is here. Now this is the girl that was on the Chilean squad

with us in the eighth grade. Now we're 18, 19. Yeah. I hadn't seen him in years, but my buddy Fernie stands right here. And I used to always play with her. Like, we used to always double date. Yeah.

So she was Cuban, so I talked to her in Cuban and I'd giggle. And I saw, and I looked over, and I looked at my friend Fernie. He was half-retard. It was it was, but he had glasses, a big, good-looking guy. And I just pinched her ass, but she didn't turn this way. She turned that way. And he was drinking an Alabama slam. I'll never forget this.

And she just punched him right in the face. And he had a white shirt on. His glasses. The lens fell out. And he couldn't see. He was like going for his glasses. And she's teeing off on him, kicking him. It's terrible.

He too will not talk to me on Facebook. Really? You need to bring up these memories. I think I'm hilarious. I fucking hit him up about a year ago. And I said, there's not a week that goes by that I don't think of you. And he said, you. me as you

and I hit him back like a month later and I go hey I'm coming to New York if you ever want to do lunch let me know I'm coming to the city nothing but Saturday night

some friends of mine came and one of the guys go you ever talk to Fernie anymore and I go dog he won't return my message he goes he was bro I knew Fernie since we were fucking six and I saw him in the city

and say hello and he shook my hand gave me a hug and he said he couldn't talk to me anymore he walked away I go yeah Fernie went off the deep end so he went off the deep end too yeah

Why are all your friends going off the deep end? Because we grew up at the late 70s And the airy explosion of cocaine Yeah And it took their minds as adolescence Like it took mine Yeah It took mine

But it took them a little deeper Shit man It took them a little deep You know how you see weed stores popping up Yeah That's how I saw cocaine popping up Everywhere It was everywhere

It was everywhere Like one minute One person had it The next minute I would go to your uncle's house And he'd go Pts come here You don't even

You know, couldn't get rid of cocaine. I got an ounce and a half in the house. I've never done cocaine. God bless you. Ever. And you're doing the right thing. You smoke refus. I smoke weed.

You eat some weed pretzels from time to time. Yeah. I love that shit. A little bit of tequila here and there. Sometimes, you know, a little bailey's in the coffee if I feel like it. So this. You're going off the deep end. I'm going to call it the weed store.

Dispensary. Dispensary. You're opening. Will it be open seven days a week? Yeah. I think we're doing seven days a week. What's the ordinance now? How long can you stay open late to? Eight o'clock? It's eight o'clock, yeah.

They had places up here that were staying open until two, no more. Yeah, no. Recita, they were selling weed on the streets and nobody gave a fuck. Especially with legalization. They're going to have a lot more regulations. Are you under all those rules with the regulations? We're going to have a camera in your room. You have to have a camera in there at all times, and you have to be responsible. Yeah.

It's tough. Yeah. Travis and I were crossing the T's and dotting the eyes. because we see what's going on. He's out there going to town hall meetings, taking notes. Just making sure we're good. What are you going to do for 420? Do you have a show anyway? Yeah, I'm going to be in Columbus, Ohio, at the Funny Bone.

No shit that weekend? Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday? Just the 420 show. Oh, that's it. That's it. Just one special show, yeah. That's a good show to do. At 420.

That's a great place to do a 420 show. Can we smoke weed in Ohio? I've fucking done everything in Ohio. I know. It's like... But the last couple of years, there was a debt squad. crew that was going and watch the shows. And the one guy one day showed up with a fucking brown bag of, you know, they were trying to

do the edibles we were talking about. Yeah. Like the gelatin would melt, you know, on the way over and stuff. They had a lot of heart. But I got good weed in Columbus. Listen. But is it legal there? I have no fucking idea.

I don't think it's legal in Ohio, which makes it more fun. Yeah. So come out to the show. See, I was supposed to originally be at the stress factory. Yeah. But a bunch of shows got switched. I had to do a movie. So it would have been easier for me

if I would have just switched over. So I did 420 in Oxnard. I'll shoot the movie. You're doing 420 in Oxnard? That's great. Just shoot right down there. Yeah. So I'll shoot at the levity.

Levity. Yeah. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I'd be shooting on Friday. Thursday. If not, I would have had to cancel Thursday in New York. I would have had to cancel April 20 in. So I said, you can't do that.

Yeah. I'll cancel the whole weekend. Reschedule. Shoot the movie. Do the fucking weekend in Oxnard. And I'm in California. Yeah, you're good. You know, the stars of death.

They're going to come. The company's going to come. They're going to give me a bag to fucking throw out. Oh, my God. That's going to be crazy. We're going to get everybody to Holy Eucharist. You know what I'm saying? That's the Holy Eucharist.

There's a star of debt. Ali, how are you feeling over there? You're hearing noises? His eyes are still closed. Look at him. His face is still red from the bong he did two hours ago. There was a moment there where he just was making noises out of his mouth. Let me wrap this up here.

I'm happy you came on tonight, gentlemen. Thank you for having me on, boo. I miss you. What's the name of the dispensary? It's going to be called the flora organica. And I'm 37th and Broadway. 47th and Broadway. And then I have just my Sharton podcast.

Listen, between us, when you first told me where the fuck it was. South Central. Do I have to wear a bulletproof vest? But I forget they're gentrifying. No, we're in a main street. We're in a thoroughfare. It's dope. Literally and figuratively.

So you'll be over there. I'll be at Leverty Live on the 20th in Oxnoy, but I'll also be on the 27th. I'll be at the Timbler, Bruin House. And Bakersfield, bitch. Great show. That's a great room. Yeah, I love it too.

That's a wonderful show. That's a wonderful show. So don't forget to come out to that. Let me talk to you, but real fucking quick, all right? Listen, everybody talks about sex and love it. You've got to elevate your underway game

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You got to run with ZipRecruiter.com. I want to thank me. these and I want to thank Helix and I want to thank most of all, Jessimee Paluso for making me, I'm going to go home and apologize to that girl on Facebook. You should. Thank you. You're right. I always felt guilty about it and I can't

have this. Clear your conscience. Life is too short to wonder what would have happened. Just do it. Thank you for having me on. Coco. I love you, man. I love you too. I appreciate your calls. Congratulations. You know, you have security down there and everything. Yeah, it's security every day. So don't try and fuck with us.

Okay. That's the most important thing. You can't have nobody fucking getting it. We got Dobermans. We got a moat with alligators. You know what? I could shoot a fucking Doberman. So you got big-ass black motherfuckers with eight days and big dick. We got Will De Beasts, motherfucker. Hit it, Lee. I love you. Thanks for coming out. I love you guys. I love you guys. Thank you for listening. I owe it to you guys. Stay black. Lee.

Don't go to the Grand King. What about a tag chicken though? What about, yeah. Just go put the music. Yeah, you forgot about your tag chickens. Put the music on Lee. What the fuck? What the fuck? God damn it.

You had one job.