The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #471 - Alonzo Bodden

Episode Date: April 10, 2017

Alonzo Bodden, comedian, winner of "Last Comic Standing" season 3, and the host of the "Sharp Tongue Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: DollarShaveClub.com -  get your first month of razors for only $1 with free shipping at dollarshaveclub.com/church   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. 
Recorded live on 04/09/2017.
  

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Hit it, Lee It was the third of September Fuck it's April night But who gives a fuck Oh shit Church of what's happening now Alonzo Bowden Lee Ceyat

Here we go This is as good as it gets Never heard nothing But bad things about him Oh shit Mama, I'm depending on you. Tell me the truth. This is as real as it gets this fucking song.

That's as it fucking gets right there. That's as good as it gets. All you need is fucking... Who wrote Superfly? Curtis Mayfield. Curtis Mayfield in that room and you can shoot everybody. It's over. It's like a fucking Jim Jones convention.

You understand me? It's a beautiful day to be alive. Monday morning. with me. Alonzo Bowden's in the house. Lee Syatt's in the house. I want to thank Buffalo Grame for the great weekend I had there this weekend walking around. I went to Duffs. I had some fucking wings.

They were brilliant. They looked good. They smelled good. I didn't shit blood. And that's all that matters. You understand me? Thank you. If you came down from Canada and watched the show, I love you, motherfuckers. A shout out to all the guys that met at the hotel. The cute chick from Australia. I love you guys. Thank you for coming for the show.

Alonzo Bowden. What's about? What up, what up, man. I can't fucking call it. Over here, you're trying to push these fucking L.A. clippers on me. And I tried, Alonzo, I tried. But I can't fucking deal with Blake Griffin.

I really can. Hey, Blake's got problems. I'll admit, I love Blake Griffin, but he ain't the Blake Griffin. Like, I'd love, like, 2011, 2012, Blake Griffin, who was the monster dunk, Blake Griffin. This Blake Griffin disappears in the fourth quarter.

He's great for the first three quarters. Fourth quarter, he disappears. But, you know, you ride the horse at Brunson. you, right? What am I going to do? What am I going to jump out on the clippers? No, Lakers? No, man, no, man. I'd rather watch the Lakers. Let me tell you something. I've been, I tell people, I've been a Clipper fan since back in the day, back in the 80s when you could go to a Clipper game for 10 bucks and the actual Clippers would sell you the ticket. They'd be outside waiting for you.

Who were the Clippers? Back in the 80s, are you kidding with? Out here? Benoit Benjamin and Lloyd Vaught and all of. Yeah, yeah. The Clippers played at the sports arena. See, you didn't even know. You didn't even know. I thought the Clippers were like the old fucking Buffalo Braves. They were. They were the Buffalo Braves.

Then they went to San Diego, right? They went to San Diego in like, I don't know, like the early 80s. And then they came up to L.A. And they used to play in the sports arena in the mid to late 80s. And it'd be like 3,000 people at the game. And this was one of the Clippers would win 12 games a season, 15 games a season. How did you become a fan of the fucking Clippers living in New York? No, I was, I didn't, I came here from New York.

York in 80. No shit. Yeah, I moved here right after high school. I came here in 80. So back in the 80s, like what tickets could you afford? Right? I'm a kid. I got a little money.

I don't have Laker money. How much do you have a ticket back then? So Lakers, this was showtime. This was Magic's Lakers. So Laker tickets were probably from 100 bucks up, you know, back then. Wait, you fucking face value or like scalpers would go crazy? No, that was what they cost. No, the Lakers were, I mean, showtime was just that.

You know, you know, Jack was there in the 80s. You know what I'm saying? Everybody was there. There were Denzel. Denzel was there and everybody went to see the Lakers. So they were more expensive than Nick tickets? The Lakers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it was the Lakers and Boston every year for the championship.

The Knicks, the Nicks were good in the 80s, but the Lakers were showtime. The Lakers were on TV. You remember, who did you see on TV every Sunday? You saw Magic Johnson? You saw magic, you saw Kareem. Corrine. Right? I mean, it was, the Lakers were the team.

And here in L.A., the Lakers were definitely the team. And the Clippers were like stepchildren. So you could go to a clipper game. Me and my brother were laughing. Back, I remember a game. This was when the Raiders were playing at the Coliseum, right? And the sports arena was like on the same block. Like, it was a giant, you know, thing.

And if you had a Raider ticket stub from the day game, you could go to the Clipper game that night for five bucks. For five bucks, you could go to an NBA game with a Rader ticket stub. So that's why I became a Clipper fan because you could go to Clipper games. Me and Sully, you know Sully. Yeah. Me and Sully were joking about it. Back in the day, the Clippers used to advertise the other player coming to the, like,

they'd be like, come see Charles Barkley against the Clippers. Come see Moses Mow against, because the Clippers were so bad. They're just the whole thing. The first time the Clippers really had a superstar. The first superstar the Clippers had was Danny Manning. They had Danny Manning when he came out of Kansas, and he played for the Clippers for a few years. And Danny Manning, when he left,

he said the Clipper organization is bad from the president to the peanut vendors. He said the whole organization was just, and it was. It was a mess. But it was fun to go to the games. It was the owner who got kicked out a couple years ago. Sterling. Sterling didn't want to pay. any money. So what happened, if you played for the Clippers, if you were good, you left.

You know, nobody stayed. You know, now people stay. But back then, yeah, you played for the clippers for one rookie contract and you were out. But then, but they used to draft, like Elgin Baylor used to draft always the wrong play. He drafted Benoit Benjamin, right? Benoit Benjamin was supposed to be the next Patrick Ewing. Next thing, you know, Benoit Benjamin weighed like 390 pounds of some shit, right? And Oliver Miller, the first player to literally eat himself out of the NBA. And they passed somebody. They could have had Barclay.

Food's good in LA. I forgot who they drafted instead of Barclay. But Elgin Baylor didn't want to draft Barclay. Said Barclay was overweight. So now, so you put in your time with the Clippers, right? You're a Clipper fan for 10, 15 years, right? And then they finally got good. And they flirted when Elton Brand, they made the playoffs.

They made it to the second round. It was like amazing. Then when they got Blake, then they turned it around. Blake Griffin was rookie at a year, right? Put the team on the map. Then they got Chris Paul, CP3, and then you got Lob City, right? You had the dunks with Blake and DeAndre. And it was just, they're always been, they've always been the LA team that's fun to watch.

They've always been there. And now Clipper fans are like, hey, we've been there. But here's the insult. Laker tickets still cost more than Clipper tickets, right? The Lakers suck. And the Lakers have sucked for the past, what, five years, but Laker tickets still cost more than Clipper tickets. What can you go for a clipper tickets now?

Clipper tickets range from, I think, like, 40 bucks or something like that to be, you know, up in the top 300 seats to like, what, I don't even know what court side is. Courtside's probably 500 to a grand, depending on where you sit. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, but Laker tickets are shit, I don't even know what it costs to sit next to Jack.

Somebody invited me two Sundays ago to a Laker game and they had fifth row and they were $2,100 a piece. Boom, there you go. I almost shit my pants. I thought he said $21,000. I told my friend $20 because you never fucking know him this time. Right.

There were $2,100 tickets. Yeah. I didn't go. No, we joke. Because there's a lot of comics who are Clipper fans, right? So, you know, Eric Griffin? Yeah. You know, Eric. So Eric's a fan. Eric's got season tickets. So we...

No shit. We joke that you could tell where somebody's career is by where they're sitting. Right. So, so I'm sitting. Where I'm sitting is, oh, he used to be on TV, right? And then Eric's sitting close to. Eric's like, oh, he's on cable. Right? Then Christella, you know, Christella, Lanzo. Cristella's, like, mid-center court,

like second or third row. It's like, oh, shit, she's on network TV. You know, then Rondell, Rondell Sheridan. Like he's, he's, you know, big cable star. So he's court side, but in the corner, not, you know, not in the middle. So it's so funny because everybody, I mean, there's always a bunch of comics at the game, but you could literally look at where we're sitting and say, oh, yeah, see where your career is, you know. Now, Eric's moving up.

Eric's getting better seat, so he's doing all right. You know, he's moving to Showtime from Comedy Central. Cristella's still right there at Network. I'm trying to hang on. What is it like being a fan? I've never stuck with a team Like the Celtics were bad for a few years But I wasn't really into basketball

So like I want to stick with a team for 10, 15 years When they're just You know again It was it was fun because they were there They tried Honestly it was like you could joke about You know everybody used to joke about What Robin Harris say

You know Coach called him up and said Robin we don't put you in the game What time can you get here Robbins I got shit to do next week You know The Clippers were They were like a punchline, but they were a team.

And they were an NBA team and they were there. And it was, you know, like I say, you had access. You know, you could go to games. You couldn't go to Laker games. I mean, Laker games, even if you, like when the Lakers were, and I'm talking to Showtime era Lakers, you had to know somebody to get tickets, right? There was no internet back then. You know what I mean?

You had to know somebody or you had to go to one of these ticket brokers, right? Like you talk about New York, right? New York, you had the scalpers, but you could buy tickets to the game. But here, L.A., they always had those ticket brokers. They always had the middleman. So the ticket brokers got the tickets, and you had to pay them. They were like the legal scalpers, right? So going to Laker games, unless you had some money, unless you had some connections.

And remember, I was working as a mechanic back then. I wasn't in show business. I didn't know nobody, you know. So I, but Clipper games, shit, you just show up. You show up Like going to the movies Just show up Go to the box office

Get your ticket Walk right in You know I used to go to basketball game As a point of entertainment Maybe I liked the player That was coming in You know Cleveland's in town

Whatever But it's true like Lee said I watch two people Like I know a lot of people Were fans But out in LA Everybody's a make-believe fan You know what I'm saying

The Yankees are in the playoffs A hundred Yankee hats Get bought by girls and bars and they wear it out. It's just bullshit. I'm talking about people who cry. People who, you won't talk to for three days after the team.

Well, see, that was the thing. You didn't have to cry about the clippers because you knew they were going to lose. So you never, you know, you never got your hopes up too high, but it was fun. And it was real fans. And that's, like, I'll say this now.

If you go to a clipper game now, you'll do one thing I don't like, too many fans of the other team. Like, again, like you talk about New York, right? When you went to a Yankee game, you know, like Lee's wearing his red socks. T-shirt, like you would not wear that shit to Yankee Stadium.

They simply, like, you wouldn't do it. So when I go to a Clipper game, what pits me off is I always see too many jerseys from the other team because they don't, like, Clipper fans don't intimidate. You know what I'm saying? No, I wore this to a Dodger game. I wouldn't, I wouldn't wear it to a Yankee game at all. No, you wouldn't wear that to a Yankee game. And you wouldn't wear it to the bleachers of a Dodge game.

The bleachers at Dodger Stadium, that's like gang territory. No, I'm not allowed in the bleachers of Dodger Stadium. stadium. But no, but Clipper fans are more fans. Like when you go to a Laker game, right, the whole purpose is to see who's there, right? It ain't about the Lakers. It's who else is there? Where are they sitting?

You know, do they have better seats than you? How close are they to Jack? Shit like that, right? How close are they to Denzel? Seriously, it's unbelievably hot women. They're just walking around. They don't even know why they're there. Yeah, they just had to walk around.

Somebody just gave ten tickets. Right. But at a Clipper game, people are there for the game. are into the game and, you know, so, so yeah, so Blake Griffin, he's ours. We're going, you know, he's our guy. He's our guy. Now, you, you ask me, my favorite player on the team, DeAndre Jordan, DeAndre is a fucking beast, right? DeAndre, DeAndre is a giant Dennis Rodman, right? He's a seven-foot all he does is block shots and rebounds, scores when he can dunk. He's got like 80% shooting percentage. No, 70% shooting percentage because he never shoots from more than two feet away from

the basket. Now when I watch the, I can't hit a free throw to save his life, but I love him. Every time I watch the clippers, they always lose. They either fall apart or it looks to me like they're missing something. They're missing something. You know what they're missing? They're missing the closer. They're missing

like in the close games, in the big games, right? And the games where like when LeBron just says, I got this, you know, when Steph Curry or KD says, I got this. When they don't have The Clippers, Chris Paul is that guy, but Chris Paul is small. You know what I mean? Like, he's not, he can, he's their best in the clutch, but they don't have that guy. They don't have that guy, you know, Paul George and Indy or whatever, Kobe was a killer.

You know what I mean? They don't have that guy. They don't bring Paul Pearson for that to just hit a three at the end? No, man, I call Paul Pierce AARP. That's my guy right there. I love AARP. But, you know, Paul Pierce is 39 years old. You know what I mean?

Like you, the idea was to bring him in when they got close to show the team how to do it. But then that team got hurt. They got hurt in the playoffs last year. Chris Paul and Blake Griffin, the two best players, two best offensive players were out in the playoffs. So you had Paul Pierce,

but you didn't have anybody, you know, to get you there to where Paul Pierce could close it. But yeah, that's what they don't have. They don't have the closer. So I'd love to see the closer. But I'm still, it's my team.

I'm sticking with them. And the funny thing is this, You'll love this, Joey, because you know what it's like being a real fan, right? So I grew up with the Knicks, right? So I'm a Nick fan. I mean, I grew up, you know, with the, with Ewing and Oakley. And I mean, when I was a little kid, you know, we had Clyde, you had Earl of Pearl, you had Willis Reed, right?

So I was always a Nick fan. So I went to a game. The Knicks were playing the Clippers, right? So I had on my Knicks t-shirt with my Clippers jacket. And my boys were like, no. They were like, now. you got to pick right now right now you got to pick which one is going to be your team so i said all right i'm going clippers my thing was like i was fans of players i was fans of certain teams

for a season or two i was never really a diehard like my mom was a fucking met fan yeah my mom's a met fan too met fan to the debts this night since before they won like she was telling me stories about 66 or 67 and the shit like that so when they won in 69 she was fucking crazy Then in 73, we actually went through all the play. I saw Pete Rose beat up Bud Harrelson, the whole fucking deal. And it was like, then they got really shitty. Yeah. And in Spanish, she would call them a little mess, right?

But meow means piss. So to bust her balls, guys were coming to the bar and go, Oyapung, put the TV game. I'm a little meow. They just piss all at my mom. But look at them, like, you motherfucker. My mother was also a Boston Red So. fan. So I saw her

like she fucking gambled on these teams. So she just hated the Yankees. If she's a Met fan and a Red Sox fan, she just hates the Yankees. So when the Red Sox played the Cincinnati Reds, like that was the only team I think I ever lost sleep over. I was a fan of theirs for like six

years, seven years, the big red machine. I got everything about them. So when they played Boston, I remember game seven, I got in my hands and knees and said, God, you don't understand. If I lose this game, every time I wake up there'll be read something or something you'll torment me man

don't do this to me but I don't know what that feeling is to I'm blaming you for that loss then to start with somebody when they're nine when they won nine games it's like the people who are the fans

and what's that movie when they go to Cleveland they come with the Major League yeah Major League one of the greatest movies yeah that's a hilarious movie that's one of my favorite movies of all time

that's the reason why in the longish yard I came out with a job Yeah. Because Sarama, the Cuban guy wore jockin. That's the main reason. I don't fuck around.

I love Major League. Tom Berringer, everybody, but the fans that had the drums in the beginning and the guy goes, it went too far. What are you talking about? Went too far.

And he gets up and he walks away with the drum, those type of people. But that was, you know, you talked about the Mets, though, that was the same way with the Mets, right? Because, yeah, the Mets sucked, right?

After 73, shit just went downhill. And the Yankees got better. That was when Steinbrenner started building the Yankees, right? Then you had the late 70s, early 80s. You had Reggie Jackson and Ron Guidry and, you know, Thurman Munson and on and on, right?

So the Yankees are unstoppable. And then the Mets are at the bottom, right? The Mets absolutely suck. And then they get a kid named Daryl Strawberry, right? They get a kid named Daryl Strawberry. Then the next year they get a kid named Doc Gooden, right? This is like 83, 84. And then you had like Keith Hernandez come in.

And you had a kid. Great night. And 86, when the Mets won it in 86, we went nuts that year. As a Mets fan, you went in that team, and then they looked back. Like we were talking earlier about 30 for 30. You ever see that that team? Everybody on that team was drunk, high, right? You had, what was his name, Nails?

There's Seneffield. Dykstra, right? We found out Dykstra was a speed freak, right? Strawberry was on cocaine. Doc was on cocaine. Keith Hernandez was a drunk. They used to fight in the locker room and they won like a hundred games

and won the World Series. What was the dude they had that played in all positions that pitched and his uniform? He was a steroid free. His uniform, he got bigger like the yeah, I know who you're talking about. I don't remember who it was, but that was one.

A little young brother, strong. You're talking about Mookie? No, no, no. Mookie. Mookie was a man. Moogie was a man. Mookie was the man. But that was, that's what it's

So that's what it's like to stick with a team. Because, again, in New York, like, that's how you were. You're right about L.A. fans. L.A. fans, I was telling a friend, I took a friend from Denver to a clipper game. I said, all right, now here's what's going to happen. It's going to fill up about midway through the first quarter, right? That's when L.A. people show up, right? And then in the fourth quarter, when about seven, eight minutes left, everyone's going to just start leaving.

It's just like a Dodger game. You go to Dodger games leave. I can't do it. Nobody said the Dodger game lasts from the second inning to the seventh inning. That's it. And that's L.A. fans. L.A. fans are like that. So growing up in New York, you learned that, you know, you were a fan no matter what.

You know what I mean? Like you stuck with the team no matter what. So that's how I learned to be a fan. My mom would go to batting practice and fucking. Yeah, you'd get to the game. Go to Santeria on Willie Starduel. Yeah. Whatever was coming in, my mother.

would sit there and give them the evil eye and put the chicken's leg on the floor and shit. Right. If the game starts at 7.30, you would air by at least 6.6.30. You watch, you watch batting practice and then you stayed for the whole game. You stayed for the whole game. And it'd be like 9-0 in the ninth inning. And you're like, I ain't going to where. I ain't going to where.

I'm waiting for the last out. You know, where is L.A. fans? You know, I don't know. Everyone's going to beat traffic at the same time. Right? I usually last from the beginning of the Dodger games to about the 6 to 7. Yeah. When I take my uncle, he's Cuban, so he goes for the National Anthem all the way to the end.

Then he'll just sit there and look at the field and tell stories of you. Like, we're going to get the fuck out of here, gee. I got to take you to a clipper game. I'm going to take you to a clipper game. You sure? Yeah, absolutely. I'm going to take you to the game. What time is the game start?

Game starts at 730. We're going to be there. We're going to be there at 6.30. What time do you leave here? I usually leave here about 530. So it's an hour to Anaheim? That's it? No, no, they're not in Anaheim.

They're downtown. Staples. Really? Damn, Joey, where you been? Man, they ain't been in Anaheim? Holy shit. This is what I'm talking about, though. This is what I'm talking about Uncle Joey's.

Come on, man. They left Anaheon 10 years. They've been in Staples. That's the only reason why I won't go to one of the fucking games. I thought that. No wonder. Hey, Lee, no wonder he didn't get to the game. He was down in Anaheim.

Where's everybody at? Shit. I thought they played in fucking Anahehy. Joey D. I'm going to go down to see him down at Staples You can take a train right from here Yeah, you take a train to Staple's. Yeah, you take the train to Staples, yeah.

Right to Staple. Yeah, we go to State. No, I got to take you to a game. I'll take you, we'll go get a nice fucking steak over there across the street. Yeah, gentlemen. Go to Fleming's, yep. Go to Fleming's, get the fucking, uh, the nice 12 bounce and then go over to a Lake of game and a clip of games.

Man. I went to a legie game two years ago. I got like medium tickets. I took my friend and his kids. We had a good time. I went to a lake of game this season. And it was Christmas, was it like, yeah, it was Christmas Day. I think it was Christmas Day.

Yeah, it was Christmas Day. Because my boy had tickets and his wife was like, you ain't going to a basketball game. It's Christmas. So he just called me up. And I was like, shit, I ain't doing shit. So I'll go. But I went to see the Godfather 3 on Christmas Day that year. Remember that Godfather 3 came out on Christmas Day?

That was the beginning of the end of my marriage right there. When she's like, we're going up to my parents. I was, you know. I'm going to see the Godbook. I love that. Anaheim. You're Robo. And I'm sorry, though.

Nah, don't be sorry, man. That's funny. Don't be sorry. That's what breaks my heart at times. I was such a sports kid. Like the last week, I watched the NCCB. It was North Carolina. I'm an ACC.

Yeah. I've always been. I loved watching Carolina. I love North Carolina. I like Duke. Love. I also like the Big East. See, nobody ever said that.

Nobody ever said, I love North Carolina and I love Duke. No, I love that whole fucking division. Georgia Tech. I love that whole fucking division. Who's that? That's me. My Carolina blue thing. Oh, shit.

Look at you. You know, the only time I got mad at Carolina was when I bombed at Chapel Hill. Oh, shit. I did the college and died a slow debt. A slow debt. I did the greatest show at that school. You know who went to school there? Lewis Black.

University of. Lewis Black went to Carolina. So every year he goes back and he takes a couple of comics and you do like lectures. He went to the drama school. So you talk to the kids. about and then you do a show. So I went there. It was me, him, and Kathleen Madigan.

How great a show is that? It was great. We didn't bomb. I bombed. I died of slow debt. I used to write letters to Bill Foster. Oh, no shit. That's how fucking old I go back.

He used to send me all the workouts and shit. There was a kid who went to North Carolina that I fell in love with at a young age. His name was Michael Corrin. He was number 31, then. And he was from Jersey City, New Jersey. And I knew about him. had heard about him. He went to Hudson Catholic.

Yeah. And that thing about when he fucking, somebody got hurt and he started. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've heard that story. Yeah. Yeah. And then he fucking drilled 31 points against Glenn Gondo. Yeah. Glenn Gando, UNLV, who was a fucking machine. Years later, that dude tried to shoot himself when he missed. How do you miss?

I don't know. We shot himself on the rifle and bold. He didn't commit. Him and his brothers. Remember the Gangesex brothers at point? Like, Glenn was really good. No 44. But the brother was in Phoenix snoring up a bunch of coke with Walter Davis. Yeah.

With Walter Davis, number six, the Greyhound and shit. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with Joey? But I loved him. He was a non-defense motherfucker. But he could only... Walter Davis is the turn. Lee, Joey's like a guy with Alzheimer's. Like, he remembers shit from 30 years ago.

Yep. But he doesn't know that the clippers play at the point. No, I do. Listen. I'm telling you, Walter Davis, a little Gonduzek. and my ex-wife went to school with the Gondra's ex. They're from Boulder, but the funny thing was, years later, Glenn sold real estate, and his wife broke up.

So he tried to shoot himself in the heart with a 22, a rifle, and he missed his heart. And shit, he lived. So on Christmas Day, you hit 20 fucking 20 footers. But you missed your heart with a 22. Cocks sucker. But you know, you know, it's funny about that. You say, like, yeah, he's selling real estate because that's how it was back there, right? Any athlete who played prior to the 80s is pissed.

off because when they left basketball, football, baseball, whatever, they had to get a job. Yeah, whenever you're watching those 30 for 30s, they're all like doctors or like they all have like actual legitimate job now. Like now, if you play two contracts, like you should never have to work for the rest of your life, right? Just, but back back then it was like, yeah, I played an NBA for 10 years and now I run a car wash, right?

Because I was, you see the 30 for 30 where everybody lost their money? Every one of them bought a car wash. Yeah, it was a Billy Corbyn one. It was a Billy Corbubborn. What was the name of that one? They busted, broke. Yeah, busted. So what do you mean?

They all bought car wash. For some reason, athletes buy car washes. They all Dykstra bought car washes. What's the name? The guy who choked the coach. You remember a few years ago, he got kicked out of basketball for choking his coach. Yeah, he had car washes.

That was the one thing. They all would, for some reason, according to Breaking Bad. It's because it's a cash business. It's a cash business. Yeah, well, they should have been breaking bad. But yeah. So who was on that book?

Musted special. That's broken. Oh, you know. Oh, man. Who was the surprise? I'm trying to remember his name because he played for Miami. He won a championship in Miami. Came off the bench.

Antoine Walker? Antoine Walker. Yeah, I was just about to say him. Yeah, Antoine Walker was one of the big ones. He was a Celtic. And Antoine Walker. But he had like some big money contracts. He was a superstar in the NBA.

I'm pretty sure he had. And he ended up broke. You know who lost Kurt Schilling? Oh, yeah. Kurt Schilling put like $100 million into some cable TV station and lost it all. It was, and it was right next to my house. It was a, he was a video game developer, and he was doing it in Massachusetts, and he got this huge loan from the state of Rhode Island to move. And then, like, a few years, within a few years, the company was bankrupt, and the state didn't get their money back.

Yeah. And then Antoine Walker was a Celtic. He had $108 million in earnings and bankruptcy. Yeah. Yeah. But there were a lot of people on that show who lost a lot of money. There were football players, some football players who went broke on there. I just read, you talk about being an old Met fan, and this was just a sad story to me.

Ed Cranepool was trying to sell his World Series ring to get a kidney operation. And I'm like, if you're baseball, Ed Cranepool was like a star for the Mets. You know, like, you just think the league would be like, what's operation cost? 100 grand, 150 grand. You know what I mean? Like, they should just pay for that, right? I mean, the guy played baseball. He gave his heart and soul, whatever.

He was a superstar. And now he's a retired guy. Not that old probably. I have Ed Cranepool, man. Every ticket bought will get $2 towards the fucking operation. Right, and you pay for the operations. Or just the Mets, just say, look, man, here's a hundred grand. You know what I mean?

Just for being. Their doctor doing. For being Ed Cranepool. Yeah. Yeah. But you said something when you came in and I thought it was really, you said, like, the people who made it were the kids. staying out at the court when everyone went home.

And it's really crazy to think about, like, an 18-year-old, they've been playing probably since, what, they were six. Yeah. So that's already 12 years. And they maybe play for another 12 years. That's the 20. They have their career, but they're done by the time they're 30. And then they have to just live for 60 more years.

Right. I mean, it's not, you know, it's one of those things, right? Being a pro athlete, it's everything you can imagine. It's glamour, it's money. this and that. But it is a job. It is hard work, especially in the NFL. You know, when you see an old football player, and when I say old, I don't mean that old. When you see a 50-year-old guy who used to be in the NFL, it hurts for that guy to move, right? Every step he takes, you see him. Like, I was with this girl to the Clipper game, and she loved Doc Rivers, right? And she was

like, why does he walk like that? Because his knees are gone. Like, that's the old ballplayer walk. Like, every old ball player has that walk because their knees are trashed. You know what I I mean, that's just the nature of the business. But you make a ton of money, but now players know how to save their money. But back then, they didn't know how to save their money. You got to get a job. Or the other thing they do, like, do you buy businesses, buy, I don't know, car dealerships. A lot of them have car dealerships and shit.

John Elway. Elway's like the biggest car dealer west of the Mississippi is some shit, right? Russell Westbrook owns a Jeep. Yeah, he owns one in Van Nuys. He just bought it, put his name on it. Yeah. If you go there in a suit that's too small, that's half green, half pink, you get a 20% distance. See, yeah, I'm a friend of Russ.

You wear glasses with no lenses. I just don't understand. Well, this is, okay. Now, out of all the players they showed, how many were African-American? Surprisingly, not all of them. Not all of them. Because it was one, and when I say that, there was a good number of white players because that's the kind of show, right? That's the kind of thing that they would always try to, the racist angle would be like.

Right, the racist angle. Look at the black guys. You gave him money and they screwed it all up. But like I said, there were guys like Kurt Schilling and Len Dykstra. Lenny Dykstra ended up in jail, right? He was a whole financial swindler and all this. There were, yeah, it was, there were more black players, but there were white players, too. They said they didn't make it like, you know, a black thing.

They didn't make a black thing. You know, it's very hard to explain the people when you grow up with nothing and they throw $100 million at you. You got to buy Mama house. You got to buy Amrosa house. You got a thousand cousins that show up. You know, somebody told me years ago, Eddie Griffin supported 29 people. I believe it. I believe it.

Yeah, I believe it. And, you know, the other thing is, like, they did a special, it was called One and Done. And it was about Ben Simmons, the kid from Australia came to play for, uh, uh, no, he played for LSU, Louisiana State for one, you know, because they have that rule now, right? You got to play college ball for one year before you go to the NBA, right? So he came in. He played one year at LSU. And he didn't make the tournament and blah, but he was still the number one pick.

So school was still going, but he left because he wasn't there to go to school. And he had a meeting with Nike and a meeting with Adidas, right? Now think back, think back to when you were 19. Okay, think about being 19. And you meet with Nike and Adidas to figure out, you know what I'm saying?

Like people talk about these ballplayers like, oh, you're an idiot, you waste all that money. At 19, you are an idiot, right? You are, and suddenly you're going from, I don't have shit, I'm a college student, blah, to Nike and Adidas are fighting to each give you millions of dollars. Forget about your NBA salary. This is just your sneaker money. So, you know, so nobody teaches you that, right?

Nobody, like you said, if you come from nothing, nobody teaches you to be a millionaire. No, if your family had money, they teach you how to be a millionaire. You learn about taxes. You learn about investments. You learn blah, blah, blah, blah. But if you come, not even, you don't even have to be poor. If you're middle class, right, your mom was a secretary, like me, okay, my mom was a secretary accounting clerk, and my dad was with sanitation, right?

Now, if I suddenly at 19, I got to go meet with Adidas and Nike, who's going to teach me what to say when I walk in that room. You know what I mean? Like you don't know. They're each offering you millions of dollars, right? And then you got to get an agent to sign a contract with the NBA. Nobody teaches you this shit. So the amazing thing is people like LeBron who kept it together.

LeBron came out of high school and built that enterprise that is him. You know what I'm saying? Now, I don't know about you, but I did not walk out of high school. prepared to be the number one player in the NBA, I might have had a problem. See, to me, I would think that if you grew up that poor, sort of how LeBron has kept it together,

that if you grew up that poor and saw how terrible it is to be poor, you'd be a little bit more careful. No, because you just get so much money throwing at you, 19 is 19. 24 is 24. And the other thing, I mean, LeBron wasn't poor. LeBron grew up.

he did know some people who knew some stuff who gave him some good advice. But that's what I'm saying. No, you don't even have to be poor. If you're working class, if you're blue collar, and suddenly somebody gives you enough money to have anything you want. And like you said, Joey, you want to give back, right? So you got to take care of mom and dad. And then you got your cousin, like AI, right?

What AI had that gang that protected him, right? He had to take care of all of them, right? These were his boys. But AI grew up in the neighborhood where you, You know, they're gang banging. You get shot and shit. And these boys took care of him. How do you think that works like getting taken care of?

Do you get like a paycheck every week? Do you just go up to the guys from money whenever you want? No, a lot of them work for them. They're literally on their payroll doing something. I mean, you had, what did MC Hammer have 40 guys on his payroll or some shit? You know, he ended up broke. Broke as fuck. MC Hammer was buying race horses.

You know, I ain't buying a racehorse. I give you $100 million when you're 24 years old. You don't consult with a financial consultant. You don't do dick. You call mama. And mama says, baby, you're moving to Beverly Hills. And you go to Beverly Hills and you spend $12 million. You're not even thinking about taxes.

That's how they get into tax trouble. You're not even thinking about the 28% or the fucking 40, whatever the fuck the rate is. You're not really thinking. You know who did that? He was funny, but he was smart. Eddie Murphy? he said he to read they said why'd you hire your boys he said because I know where their mamas live he said you can't steal from me when I know where your mama lives where you're going

I call your mom and he bought the fucking gas station in Fort Lee yeah and it was his cousin money yeah but uh yeah but even then and even then you read about the financial advisors they have ripping them all yeah that's you know what I mean like you so who do you trust you know unless you got someone in the family or you got to, you learn from the, now you learn from the veteran ball players, you know,

the veteran ball players like, hey, don't do this, don't do this, do this, do that. Here's, here's the latest thing. I don't know if you heard about this, that NBA ballplayers are using Tinder to hook up,

keeps them out of the clubs because, you know, they always get in trouble in the clubs, right? They always get into a fight, they get drunk. So now they're just using Tinder and just hooking up with chicks

and the coach likes it because now he doesn't have to worry about his play as being in the street because the girls just come to the hotel. So any girls listen, if you get hit up by a guy on Tinder and he's like 6-8 and he says he works at night from like 7.30 to 10 fucking swipe right. In town? In town for one night working from 7.30 to 10. You better swipe right. It was great. I remember living in Denver.

No. I was living in Aspen and the Denver Nuggets were playing. in the Philadelphia 76 December 28, 1983. And me and three of my dogs rented a plane for like $75 a piece. We had it. It was $2.50 for the ride around the trip. And we came to Denver and we fucking went to the game. I think the six is lost.

And then we went out. We didn't know what to do. So they said, just follow the ballplayers or whatever. This was 1983. But you knew exactly they were going. And we went to this place and it was fucking filled with all. of them but we weren't getting in the right it was just hot chicks and the Broncos

would go yeah that's when the Broncos had that it was little after no no it was little I moved when I moved to Boulder in 87 I would go to those parties and the broncos would be in there snagging up bitches yeah yeah yeah the three amigos yeah that's right yeah I remember that migos went there snapping up bitches and I used to go to a place in Lynnhurst New Jersey called the Sheridan and there were the first people people in 1985 that had a happy hour in the hotel. But that's when the generals were in New Jersey. So it would be the generals.

The Knicks would go there. Anybody from East Orange, the gang would hang out there. My friend's apartment burnt down. So the insurance company put her over there. And she's like, you've got to come over here. You got to see who's down there. There was a big nick in those days.

It was on the chunky side, 85. Don something, a center. I think he was there. while. Ewing was there, but he played the bench. He used to hang there. I saw Lawrence Taylor walking there one night

with football shorts and a leather jacket. Down to his ankles and shit. With like a cowboy hat on. I was like, oh, this is fucking real. Those fucking hangouts, you think like you're going to go talk to people.

Nobody wants to fucking talk to him. That's why I never like the fuck. They don't want to talk to us here. No. But that's the life, you know? That's the life. Nobody trained you for now.

But now it's different because now they know, you know, ballplayers take care of the bodies. They stay in shape. They don't party too hard during the season. They do now and then. But, yeah, it's a different game now. It's a business. It's a business. Listen, in comedy, there's no more crazy people.

Yeah, yeah. Ten years ago, you would hear about this guy getting fucked up or this guy doing heroin. Who in comedy is crazy to that? Yeah, you'd hear about some guy getting a blowjob in a fucking freezer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, no, no. And taking the chick's eight ball. go.

I don't know who did that. I remember 15, 20 years ago, every weekend. It was either in those days George Lopez, Mitch Hedberg, or the dude from in living color. And then he finally snapped in Miami. Tommy in Miami. But all the last

five years, there's no comedians. No, no, nobody smoking, nobody's drinking, nobody's causing fights, nobody's getting fired, really. You know, you had Danny Merr when he was still alive, he was firing bitches down there every couple weeks yeah people learn man no nobody's doing nothing you know i go to a club now and i don't even see the fucking people it's so weird like i do my show you know and

the old days you went out with the wait staff right the wait staff kind of yeah you can't i mean they still do it but yeah not crazy not it's not like you go to the it's not like the comedy condo was where everybody partied oh no that shit is done what was the craziest comedy condo you went to mine was el paso that was the worst i never did did that one, but I heard about the El Paso one. They won in Tempe, when Dan Murrow was running Tempe. Tempe was a party.

That was probably my favorite club for a long time. Me too. It's still one of my favorites. And he used to have the condo for single people down the corner. Right, right. You cross the street to block away. Yeah, I used to bring dirty people. What do you mean condo for single people?

Like if you were just, if you were, let's say the headliner was fucking George Carlin. And you don't want to stay at the Tempe, Butte Hotel 10 miles away up secluded in the mountains you were the fee jack you're like listen I'm just getting a small fucking envelope here I don't have time to be paying $32 for two eggs and a slice of organic angel hair bacon so I'm gonna stay right here by myself they got cable they got electricity yeah that's what they did it was tremendous the headliners the headliner got the hotel would you bring your own sheets I've ever been thinking about that and I just

other people's sheets freak me out no you just go with it they would pull them no they had a They had a maid come in. They had a maid come in on Monday. Oh, yeah. It was only in the real shitty condos. Like, I was in some town in Michigan or something, where, like, some road comic passing through would crash in the condo like Tuesday and Wednesday, some shit, you know.

But most of them, like Tempe was a good one where they'd have, yeah, they had it every week it was cleaned. It was a single. Anyway, they didn't have to share it with somebody else, no other comedian. Yeah. I remember a little bit of Texas. I had to share it with some guy. Froggy bottoms.

Froggy bottom. And I could smell the other comics feet. The headliner's feet from the other fucking room. I remember Appleton. Oh, man. We were in this three-bedroom condo, and I hooked up with this chick, and this chick was out of her mind.

She was just fucking my brains out with that, and the fucking feature had to listen. I hated those condos. Feature had to listen all night. I was like, hey. And then you'd come in the condo, and like the biggest bedroom, the room with the TV,

that was the headliner's room. The worst kind of all time. You ready? Milwaukee. When the comedy club had it across the door didn't even lock? It was. Just horrendous. He rented that house, right?

It was like a house or something. It was a house of harris. Yeah, it was downstairs. The carpet was yellow. They had a waterbed from the 80s. Yeah, because he was a biker, right? The guy who ran his joint, he was a biker. He was a bike.

He would pay you with gun on the table. Like, what the fuck I get myself into? Any barbecue? Like on Saturday? On Saturdays, yeah. All the dorm men had fucking suits. Yeah, I remember that. Three-piece suits.

He was a bandito. Yeah. He was a bandito, vice president. So when you got there on Thursday night, he took you out to dinner. Yeah, yeah. You had a go mandatory. The restaurant was closed. It was like being in a fucking gangster movie.

The restaurant was closed. And they'd open it up and they had the big table. Just for you. You him, some mistress he had. And, uh, the restaurant. feature act. Man. And then Friday, he would cook at the restaurant.

Yeah. And then Saturday, he would barbecue outside. When you get there, it'd be a guy. It could be 19 feet of snow. Yeah, he'd be barbecue. And the guy would shovel out the pit and he'd be out there cooking and they'd come into the rain room. It was that old, like, cut a barrel in half, like cut a barbecue pit. This is real.

And no. And no. Once was like, hey, man, could you clean up the condo? Hell no, man. You were dealing with a with a biker, man. You just, you just. condo was just shut up and slept. But you don't like a Motel 6, you guys could split or something?

No, no, no. But the good thing about that condo was that if you walked out of the condo and walked straight across the street, if you walked maybe 50 feet, that's what the bar was. Yeah. And if you walked 30 feet from there, they would have Italian sauce of sandwich because that was the Italian neighborhood. And that's where Donnie Brasco busted everybody. Yeah. When I was up there, all those guys that Donny Brasco busted was getting out of jail.

because he busted a family in Milwaukee before he busted the bananas. Bro, Lee, for $2, they gave you a meatball sandwich that was like this with three fucking huge meatballs. You squished it down. I was in there every day. They had Chinese up to Cornelie that would make you a fucking little stinky asshole

go bananas. But the other thing, Lee, like back then, you didn't even think of getting your own hotel. Like, that thought never crossed you. No, no, no. You probably could have. You probably could have went to. Not that there was anything.

There wasn't anything close. That was one thing. There wasn't anything close. But yeah, you were getting paid 500 bucks a week. So it wasn't like you're going to spend 200 bucks on a motel. Like that was what you got. So you just slept in the condo and- And prayed for the best.

Yeah. War slippers. How are roadside meatball sandwiches, okay. Those are definitely lizard meatballs. What roadside? You said roadside? No, no, no. This was an Italian neighborhood.

You were in the neighborhood. This was a delicatess. The club was in the neighborhood. And it was a house. He had a house. He had a house on the street. I don't know if he rented it or owned it or whatever. No, I don't think he owned it.

He had a house and the comics would stay in that house. Oh, this is the Italian neighbor. This is what I'm trying to say to you. So there was a little delicate tessing with the hanging cheese and the fucking meats. Nicest condo was Comedy Works in Denver. Yes. In that tower downtown. It was like on like the 24th floor.

Like it was like a real condo. They still have a nice condo. She goes out of her way. Yeah. I like the hotel. A hotel. That was, when I did last comic standing, that was the biggest change. And no more condos.

From here on out, just hotels. Just hotels. Just hotels. And they got to do it. Yeah. And they, you know, you got to get a, yeah. So that, that's a big difference. No, I haven't slept in a condo.

It's got to be since Tempe. Yeah. But now a lot of them don't even have condos. Like a lot of places, either they use a local feature or the feature got to, you know, get by on his own. Now you got to... A lot of the clubs make the feature acts get by on their own, which I think is shitty.

Yeah, it is shitty. It is shitty. It is shit. Well, it's okay if you're a big enough name to afford to carry your feature. But like me, I don't know where you are. And I'm like, I'm okay, but I ain't that big. You know, I wish I was. Listen, you know what, man, if I'm going to...

I don't mind bringing somebody, you know. I mean, they got to know it's 100 to set. Yeah. Or whatever the fuck it is, I pay for the hotel. Yeah. They're fly to something. Have to flight, whatever. I take care of them.

But, you know, there's a lot of people contact me and they go, hey, can you take me? And I feel like saying, I got a wife and a kid. Right, it's hard. I mean, you can do it. I lose it. You do it, but you know, you can't. I lose like a thousand off the back. Right.

To do it every time, you got to be able to afford it. It's like an employee. It's like having an employee. So I look at the plane ticket and I see if I get a standby ticket. Like if I could get an upgrade on American. If I, like anything except for Chicago, if it's a 530, I always plan it out. And if I get the first, you know what I'm saying? Like if I know I'm going to get the first class, then I'll get a feature act just to consolidate any way you put it just to help somebody out.

Anyway, I like to travel alone, to be honest with you. I really do. Yeah, so do. I really do. I'm a machine. I know exactly how I like to do it, how I want to do it. You know, I have a way of doing it. I leave on the first flight.

I come back on the first flight. I want to be home before time. Everyone knows me. They know I call LAX my office. Like, where are you going? I'm heading to the office. Right? I know how to get through the airport.

I got all the security stuff. I got, you know, I got TSA pre, I got global entry, I got Nexus, all of that shit. And that's why you see me

getting pissed at Delta whenever they fuck up. You know, Delta, the last one I showed Lee, I was coming out of, uh, it's coming out of Wichita,

Kansas. I'm on a flight 620 in the morning. It's 540. I'm at the airport. There's no gate listed. There's, so it's like, where do you,

like, have a gate. There's no listing of a gate. I was like Delta, instead of worrying about letting people wear leggings on the plane, tell me what the fuck the plane's taken off. Now, what are the leggings? What were they pissed about? What the fuck of leggings? Yoga pants.

The yoga pants. So they threw two chicks off because they had yoga plans on? Yeah, yeah. Delta did this. Or United did it. But what United is saying is because they were flying on the free passes and on the free pass. Yes, yes. There's a dress code. There's a dress code. There is. So they were like, they're not, you know. But, but, see, United fucked up because they should have just put it on that one gate agent and said, look, there was a misunderstanding at the gate.

We're sorry, you know, blah, blah, blah. But instead they said, no, there's a dress code. Like, they tried to back it up when they should have just backed off. You know, Alonzo, this week I flew with sweatpants. Nobody bothered. And I felt really guilty. Yeah. Because I've been flying since I was fucking five.

And you always put a suit on. Yeah. You know, you always put a fucking suit on, especially if you get an upgrade at the first class. If I get an upgrade, my wardrobe gets upgraded. I wear a collard shirt. I wear a nice jacket. My sneakers are fucking clean. You know what I'm saying?

I honestly didn't know you own sweatpants. I don't think I've ever seen my clothes. No, they sent me those sweatpants. And I started thinking about, you know what's going on, Alonzo? As you know, these fucking airports, you got to be in shape. Yeah. You can't be a fat fucking these airports. I train at airports, okay?

Because that's what you really do. You know, when you get in the elliptical and you got to, I'm going to do 5.0 for 10 minutes, bitch. Get to fucking Dallas Airport, Chicago. You know, there's a couple of them that are in between flights. You got a fucking rock and roll. No, the thing I don't like, I don't want to see men in flip-flops on a plane. Please, we've discussed this already.

When they put their feet up, I'm going to fucking throw darts at these motherfuckers. You know what I want? I want them to pour hot water, like, have a hot, you know. There's people that are just filthy people. Yeah. And they never even get it. They're so arrogant that they were not. never understand, like, people who take their flip flops off and put their foot on the wall.

Yeah. Drives me crazy. I want to go up to them to smack them and go, who raised you? I'd rather see 50 women in leggings or tights or whatever than one guy in flip flops. It's really fucking embarrassing how some people just... They just show up. I went to LAX the other day, and Thursday. And you don't mean, I get there an hour early because I want to eat something before I get on a plane, something good.

I want to see my yoke. I don't want to see that fucking fake yolk with a biscuit. You're killing yourself to live. And the other day, Alonzo, I saw something at the airport. I thought, and I never seen this before. I saw a fine-ass sister, who I think I could have gave her 300 and sucked a pussy at the airport. This bitch had a thong on at the airport with a negligee over at the bar.

You know, we get the burgers with the egg on it? Like the see-through thing? American Airlines came 47 through. 49 up there. I was just, I wanted to get, because I was got a New York payment. It's a long flat, I got a New York paper. I springed the two for the New York Post or the fucking Daily News,

whatever, they sell it right there. I used to shoplift it, but it's a bad car. I used to just pick it up and walk out of there. But I saw this sister, dog. And every time this chick got up and walked around, like, she was just something. She was a stripper. Something wasn't

right. Like, if she wanted a lemon, she couldn't ask the bartender. She'd get up and walk, oh, All the way around the trucks I'm talking about To the side Then she'd walk back And you'd see guys with their fucking wives Just looking And I gotta tell you some

The chick was banging Yeah She had ass for days You sent me pictures of menus Why can't you take a picture of a girl? Because it's pretty embatt Look at my white hair Can you imagine me walking up to a woman

With a fucking camera Walk up to her Well where are you gonna take it From telescopic fucking lenses It's a fucking iPhone Where's Tony Bennett? My favorite Oh

I gotta be in I want to be around To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I A somebody who will swear to be true As you used to do

me who'll leave you to learn that miss. So anyway, where are you going to be at the next few weeks, brother? I'm headed to New York. I'm going to Levity Live, Nyack, New York. I was just there. Yeah? It's tremendous, late show. Guy got hitting the head with a bottle.

Came out and he said, I loved this. The best night of my life. I was, I'm going to be there next week, the 12th to the 15th. And then I'm doing a couple of military shows the following week. I'm bouncing around Texas. I got to bounce, but before I go. Before I go, I got to tell you my favorite airport story. I love this.

So I'm in El Here in Chicago, right? 6 a.m. flight, you know, so you get there, like you said, you're there at 4.30 in the morning. There's nobody there. I walk by the gate, laying on the floor, sleep, looking like a homeless guy, Ron Jeremy, right? Because Ron, at his best, looks like. And it was so funny, because I just walked by. He's laid out on the ground, and I just looked down and said, hey, what's up, Ron? And he just looks up, opens like one eye.

Hey, what's up, Alonzo? and then goes right back to sleep. He's whatever the fuck you call that shit. He's one of those people that falls asleep. Nargalyptic? Yeah, he's not galactic. Yeah, he's beautiful, though. He's a good guy, but it was just so...

Because everyone's looking at him on the ground and like, what the hell? You know, because usually people sleep on the bench and so now. He's just laying on the floor. He don't give a fuck. He don't give a shit. He ain't the nastiest six ass in America. You don't care about some dirty carpeting and shit. I love that guy.

Every time he shakes my hand, I feel weird. Don't you feel weird. You got to go wash your hand right after. to it. You don't know if he's singing. But he's cool as shit. He's cool as shit. I had him on the show.

Yeah, he comes on the show with Hopper. Yeah. A guy that owns the hook of fucking home. Oh, yeah. Hoff? Hoff. Yeah. So he came on with time with him.

Bro. He's great guy. The harmonica out. That was right at the beginning of my edible training. Yeah. And I couldn't handle the harmonic. That was my favorite. I'll never forget.

That was my favorite airport moment. Hey, what's up, Ron? Hey, what's up, Lonto? lately a couple weeks ago I flew him with Charles Barkley he sat right next man and say a word like three quarters and I finally looked to him and said dog was cracking and he was very nice I don't see anybody at the fucking ampix yeah I don't see many but when I do they're cool Thursdays I see uh Hughley

oh yeah DL's going back and forth because his shows in New York right he's doing his show when I last time I saw DL I saw him in Newark Airport and he was doing some shows in New York. You know, he's got this radio show now. I didn't know that. Yeah, he's got syndicated radio. So he was recording. I think he mainly does him here, but he was doing some in New York.

But yeah, and then I bumped into Wanda at the airport. She couldn't have been better. Last week. Yeah. Yeah, Wanda's fantastic. Yeah, she's great. Wanda just cool, you know, so that was fun. It's either I'm on a plane with six comics or I'm by myself.

Yeah, but you know, we all take the same flights. We're always on that. Either the red eye the night before. I don't take the red eye. I'll do the red eye sometimes. Or we're on the crack of. crack of dawn. I can't.

There's only one dang asleep on JetBlue Mint. Yeah. I pop that seat back and you ain't gonna see me till we get there. All right. I love you,

brother. I'm happy you made it over. Always a pleasure to see you. I want some flavor on the show. We're going to a clipper game, brother. All right. Don't forget it.

It ain't gonna be... Tough together brother on the podcast nowadays. You know what I'm always trying to put some flavor. I want some diversity. I love that shit. But no, it's tough together. I thought it was fucking Anaheim and shit.

I love you, brother. I love you, brother. Hey, say hi, they were broken for me. Thank you very much. Yeah, we'll see him tomorrow. Thank you very much, brother, for making it. There's a gate out there.

You just walk. You don't even have to open. Oh, you need the gate open? It opens whatever. There's a door right by the garbage can. All right, folks. Thank you, Alonzo, for making a fucking appearance. I love you.

What's up, Lysayat? How's the 2200? You're the new Pete Rose of fucking edibles. 2,000 hits, 2,000 milligrams. I wish I had something prepared. I'm feeling good. I've been doing 2000 a night since last week. I don't know about the soda thing.

People said you spit the thing back in. I show my cup every night for that reason. You tip the cup. People said they've seen you're tipping the cup. It's okay. I know you're never going to eat 2,000 when you're in this stuff. Would I be able to handle this one without at such an early time of the day, no dinner? So before Alonzo left, you and him were talking about how like you're always going off to different places.

Is it lonely being a comedian? Like, just throw out your whole day. Like, it's weird. Like, you're in different towns. Even when you're home, you don't really get to hang out really. You can, but it's like always kind of a competition. When I'm home, I have my hands fully. Right.

Who's not calling? What audition I'm not getting ready. I'm writing a chapter of the book. I got to get back today. I had plans, but Mercy had a party I won. So I couldn't go to Jiu-Jitsu. So I had a workout at the house. I hit the bag.

I did a bunch of shit. And I went to this party. You know, when I'm home, I'm as busy as I can handle. Look at last week. Last week, I came back from Nyack on Sunday. Monday I did a podcast. Right. I had a fucking audition Monday.

I booked a job. Tuesday, I had to shoot. Wednesday had to do the show and do the podcast Wednesday night. You know, Thursday, I was on a fucking plane to Buffalo. Okay? You know, Friday, I'm on. So my point is, since when I'm home, I'm always busy. When I go on the road, I look forward to it.

Like my agent said to me one day, if you were on a TV show, would you still go on the road? Abs of fucking Lutely. I'd go on the road the week I had off in the TV show. Why? Because I enjoy it. It's three days that I get. The only thing that fucked me up the last three weeks was my computer. I have to go get a new computer.

All this is done. But besides that, I enjoy those three days. There's no loneliness for me. I'm an only child. I welcome it. I get up in the morning at 4 in the morning. My wife doesn't have to be up. I don't need no help.

I don't need somebody to wake me up and go, Joey, you're going to miss your flight. That's not me. I'm prepared. You know, I'm packed. When I get up in that morning, there's a way to do this. And you figure out that whatever you're doing in your life, there's always a way to prepare it to make your journey easier. Whatever it is, if you're going to have to drive to San Diego five days a week, what do you have to do? What do you need in your car?

Those are the things you start to realize. If something happens, you could overcome it. But I'm prepared on a plane. You know, I'm not frustrated on a plane. Six hours, I got the iPod. I got a book. I got a notebook. I got a fucking edible or a fucking Valium or a Viking.

And I got something. I got a movie. You know, there's always something to do. When I get off a plane, Lee, I'm by myself, man. I get a fucking car. I go to the hotel. check in, you know, I take my clothes off, I take a shower, I come back, I look at the menu, at the hotel, I know what options are around me, I go, I roll a joint, I go for a walk around the neighborhood, I smoke some dope, I get some deed, I go back to my room, I prepare my set for the 8 o'clock show. I do my fucking hour, I take some pictures, I go back to the hotel room, I'm planning on doing radio Friday morning, that's my night. I'm social, I see the two radio dudes, I eat some donuts or whatever, whoever, the acupunctures

comes in, whatever the fuck, I'm back in my hotel room by 10 o'clock. Before I walk in my hotel room, I smoke a joint. So when I go upstairs, I take a little nap. I get up, I go eat some lunch, I come back, I write, and then I do a late workout, like from five to six, they're not picking me up until a quarter of eight. You know, I go to CVS before I do that workout and get three, milkshakes for the weekend. So I have two milkshakes after my workout and I have a milkshake for Sunday morning before I leave. I go do the two shows. I come back, I'm wiped out, Lee. Right. The next day is beautiful. I get up early. I eat breakfast at the hotel. I smoke a joint. I send emails. I write. I check in for the flight. Okay? And I take another nap.

And that gives me a three hour nap till about 12, maybe one o'clock. One o'clock I wake up. I go eat lunch, I roll a joint, smoke and go back, I start packing. By 3.30, I'm packing. I'm packing and writing at the same time. I'm watching whatever movies on TNT, whatever the fuck. I'm writing. 4 o'clock, I go to the gym,

I work out, I come back, same thing. Protein shake. If there's a piece of salmon at the hotel, I order it from upstairs, so I don't have to sit at the bar. That's fine. I already make friends at the bartender, so all my time is efficient. You're always being efficient. There's no reason. You don't have 40 minutes to sit in a restaurant to talk and to, you know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't have it. I'd rather do all that stuff by myself. Like last week I had Matt Fulchaw and Nyack. We met for lunch, and that's it. Right. That's it. He doesn't really, he doesn't smoke in the daytime before his set, so we would smoke when I'd come back. I gave him a joint.

He'd go downstairs by himself. So that's your question. No, I'm not lonely at all. And I'm not trying to get like a real sad story out of you, but was it different when you were doing, like, the months on the road by yourself? Like just because I've been thinking about like an... That was different. Right. That was a different time for me.

It was a big, big, big struggle. And even that made it interesting for a guy like me. How to survive week to week to snor coke, have a hotel room and eat and all that stuff during the week when you're surviving all $500. So you got to check on Saturday. In my world, it would be like $300 after the four advances of $50. So for 300 bucks, I would have to last four days plus get in between destinations. So if I had to go from Michigan to New York, I had to figure out a way to get from Michigan to New York, or let's say I was going from Michigan, from Saginaw, Michigan to Detroit.

Right. Right. So I wouldn't go back home. I would have to figure out how to stay in Michigan, the cheapest I couldn't, even, eat the way I could until Thursday until I could check into the new hotel. Fuck. So was it almost like you were just too poor or like too, you just break even?

You just get too much to do to be lonely, to be sad? Like you just had too much. I wasn't sad. I was never sad. There was never nothing to be sad about. You're doing what you love. You know, when you start comedy or you start going to school, before you do it, you really got to love it.

If you don't love it, if you can't do it for free, you don't really want to do it. All right. So with comedy, I found myself doing it for free for four years. Now somebody was giving me 500 a weekend to do seven shows. I was in heaven. Yeah, some weeks you stayed at a shitty condo, but some weeks you stayed at a nice hotel. Not the biggest hotel could be a motel six, but you had cable that gave you a break for four days. I wouldn't think far ahead.

I would never plan. I would worry about Monday on fucking Monday. Today, I'm going to enjoy myself in this hotel room. That was the mental state of it. See, what happens to people is they think about next week and the week after, and they fold. And you don't get nothing done. I would never think about the next couple days.

All I knew is I was in this hotel until Sunday. Until Sunday, I'm going to be a bad motherfucker. And guess what? Maybe Monday when I wake up, the girl at the front desk likes me, and she says, it's going to be slow. Just give her $40 a day until fucking third. You never knew. That was the adventure of it.

And you'd get a little pissed off. You go, all I had was $300. I gave a $120. I got to live off $180, do blow, and get to New York or get to my next destination. Whatever, you had to figure it out. I would have places where you could take a shower. I would have places, like he said,

there were condos that would be empty. Let's say you were going from, let's say you were going from Philadelphia to Rascals in West Orange. It's a two-hour drive, three-hour drive. You know, but the condo, they would let you stay there. All I had to do on Monday morning was get from Philadelphia to the condo. And I could stay at the Rascals Condo from Monday to Thursday. There were so many different ways to survive.

And that's how you know about good food. You know, I didn't go to Yelp. I just had to make my decision and go, this is where I'm going to eat. It's got to be good. So I knew there was no, you know, taking chances. There's no chances. That's a Chinese restaurant. They have a lunch special for $4.95.

That's what I'm eating the whole week for fucking lunch. It's going to fucking do well. The soup, the entree, the salad, the fucking fortune cookie, and the can of soda. That's what's going to work. Some weeks it was Subway veggie and cheese sandwiches. Some days it was a veggie and cheese sandwich. I would get breakfast at the hotel. And I would get a veggie and cheese sandwich and eat one half for lunch

and the other half for dinner. That's what we're going to do. go back to sacrifice. That's what most people cannot do. You always say there's a lot of people who come here and leave. What is it? Do you think that finally breaks the straw? Is it that that?

Do you think it's the rejection? What do you think it is that breaks the... It's everything combined. It's all three of those things combined and giving up or talking yourself into doing something else. Like it's, it's, it's, a lot of people come here and they think it's easier than what it's supposed to be. You know, they think this is just coming out here and being cute and mingling. There's so many different things that people really don't know.

So they don't know what to expect. They think it's just to come out here and you're funny and it's just, there's so many things. Maybe they thought they were the funniest kid in their school or the best actor in their school. Now you come out here and you see other people who are the funniest than their fucking thing. It's like going to a Division I college when you're not ready for it. And you're a basketball player, a football player, a baseball player. You think you're walking in there and you're the best. But guess what?

Those nine players or those 11 players or those other four players on the team, they're the best from their fucking neighborhood. And now things don't go your way. You know, there's just so many aspects to quitting something. You know, look at what happened last night in the Europe seat. Anthony Rumble Johnson and they said to him, he said he made other commitments. You know, I'm thinking would he quit if he would have won. That was the question. He said he would have. He said what he said.

You know, he would have quit if he would have won, you know. Sometimes in life you want to do something for a little while, it doesn't work your way. You ever see like, where are they now about like famous bands and now you see him and they're like a owner paint company and shit? Life changes, Lee. Yeah. Life changes. You know, in three years, this podcast wrong might be done. and what are we going to do?

We got to move on. We have to adjust to the next fucking venture of this thing. A lot of people don't want to do that. A lot of, you know, it's, there's a lot of reasons why people give up. And I can't judge one of them. Yeah, it's me and it seemed like D.C. was going to, like, I don't know if you saw that embedded, but that he said he was, that was the last 205 fight he was going to be on. But then he just, I really like him.

I don't know. I, I, I, he's gotten booed ever since John Jones. He's done nothing but like, done, do a mate. Like, I understand, like, he's not a super exciting, but he wins. That's all that matters at the end. Well, the main thing is about quitting. You know, what makes a fucking person want to break down. That was the question you hit me with.

And I, I can't tell you. I know, I can't judge somebody for doing it. Do I get upset with them? Yes. I've gotten upset over the last couple years with a lot of comedians that I thought could have done something. You know, I tell Josh Wolfe about a particular friend of ours that I don't speak to anymore

because he's a fucking pathological liar. He just bullshit his way through this town. To this day, he's got nothing. You know, he's just, he got a word. He got a word that a lot of people in this town get misconstrued with. You know, I always got to be, I always worry about people when they tell me something. thing into their dream and then two days later they become a producer.

That word is the word, the worst word in Hollywood, the word producer. Everybody wants to be a fucking producer. It doesn't mean anything. And it doesn't mean anything, you know, it doesn't mean dick. But he wanted me, he wanted to be a fucking producer. And I sit here now, how he went through 80 fucking jobs and now he's finally got like a full-time job. You know, Josh Wolf breaks my balls about it. But I know he'll be over soon because.

I know his ego. I know that at his mind he'll call you and say, well, you're not going to imagine, you're not going to imagine what I did today. I ran this production thing. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. You never did nothing. You never carried a wire. You never did nothing. You never paid your dues. You were a comic and you never paid his dues. And what bothered me about this is I got left back in the seventh grade. I'm no genius. I'm not good looking. I'm old. And I did something, at least made strides. Right. This guy went from being an actor to a comic.

Now he's a producer. You got no respect from me. You got no respect from me. You don't even know what the fuck you want to do. The easiest thing is just to stick with the road in front of you. But a lot of people want to switch. It's not working out for them, so they kind of switch it up a little bit. It's scary, I think.

At a certain point, you're worried that the road you're on is going to fail. Listen, I had nothing to offer anybody at any level, but I knew I didn't want to fail. I knew I wasn't going to be Louis C.K., and I knew I wasn't going to be Joe Rogan, and I'm still not. I'm none of those guys. I'm who I am, but I did something with it.

That's all I ever wanted to do with something, is do something with it. I would have been very content if I ended up a manager at a subway. Well, not really. I would have been very content if I would end up a manager at a good year tire store or a Subaru dealership. That was my goals when I was a young guy. That's what I thought I'd bail out as. Just because I had common sense, I knew how to flip a fucking buck.

You don't need, you know, when you walk into a car dealership and you see these guys, and most of them don't even have degrees. They're making $100,000 a year, these managers, they don't fucking degrees. They just stuck with something. They just stuck with something. They became a car salesman one day and they stuck with it. And one day they asked them to become a fucking F&I guy and they stuck with it. And they learned that aspect of it.

And all of a sudden, the guy quit and they come to you and they go, you want to be the GSM. We'll give you $35,000 a year plus eight points of the fucking gross of the business. Got yourself a hundred fucking thousand dollar a year job with no college education. Wow. But you did the American dream. You started in the bottom and you went to the fucking top, your way. You didn't bullshit yourself around it. You know, sometimes somebody has a college degree and they get misconstrued.

They come into a place and they think they're going to learn how to run that place. No, I'm still going to go with the guy that's been here for 12 years before you. You just know how to work a computer and put a fancy suit on and try to, you know, I go with experience. I always believe an experience. Experience wins everything. You could shortcut your way through something. Everybody does. But the experience is fucking invaluable.

I think that's the most frustrating part for all these kids coming out of college is that that's what every job says that you need a certain amount of experience, but it's hard to find a job that's taking no experience. There's not many jobs out there for kids right out of college. Well, they got jobs, but the kids aren't prepared. They're not prepared. They're not prepared. That's also true.

They're not prepared. Like, we were talking about sports with the kids that come out and they're 20 and they sign a contract. They're not prepared. The same way with this young kids, you know. But I go to experience all the fucking time. Then you know what? Get your fucking degree graduate and go work as a cell phone. And then you get, it's like when you go to college and you're in the Army.

You come out a officer. Right. Correct? Same thing. But guess what? Those officers still got to go to basic boot camp. And they still got to do a bunch of shit. And that's what people failed to understand that.

Even though you went to college, you still got to pay your dues, bitch. Yeah. That was nothing. That just gets you in the door. You still got to pay your fucking dues. Yeah. College is the end goal, I think, for a lot of people growing up. I think it's just get into a good college, get into a good college.

Like probably from late middle school maybe. I mean, probably maybe even earlier now. And to be honest, I thought of what I wanted to do, but I never thought. thought of the work it was going to take. Nobody does. Nobody does. I knew when I got into comedy, it was 91. And 93, two years later, I realized the work that had to be done.

And I thought about it long and hard, and I go, if I do this, I'm going to do this. And that's how I got into this. I experienced it for two years and I bullshit at people. And I lied to my friend. And I really lied. I just told him I was a stand-up comic. I'm trying to put the pieces together. I wasn't putting no pieces together.

I didn't even know how to put the picture. I didn't even know what the fucking pieces were. But then I realized what the pieces were, and I went for it. And that's what somebody has to do also. You know, you go to college, you still got to, I'd rather still, you put the work in. So do me a favor. I'd rather you go to get a job at 18, go to college at 18, right? And take six or eight credits or nine credits, but work at the same time.

What is that? That's busting your ass. But it's not like going to school full time and working part time. You're working full time, but you're studying part time. It's going to take you a little longer. But by the time you graduate, you're going to have experience. You're going to be covered in every different fucking angle. That's what a lot of people have figured out.

I'd rather get a job, low-level job at a place, learn, and at the same time, take nine credits a semester. That's still 18 credits. you're going to lose a couple when you transfer. Right. I mean, what it's being talked about now is a lot of people going to community colleges for the first two years to get like the Englishes

and all those. There was a kid that came to Nyack that went from like fucking something. He was telling me, him and his buddy, he wants to be a professional gambler. He's really smart. And he said that, you know, because of his family, he went to a shitty, whatever, but he got into Yale.

Right, yeah, absolutely. And then he gambles on the weekends. He goes to Atlantic City. He goes, last time he went, he won 56, I mean, the guys are fucking savage, 19, 20, you know, but that's what he wants to do. But he has a day job. You know, he was telling me, like, he was saying, and then there was another guy that showed up, their attorneys, this is going to be my attorney.

So that's the problem that you have, that you come out of college and you have no experience in dick except fucking mopping at the local deli. You've no experience, and you have, like, this amazing debt hanging over your shoulders, like hundreds of thousands of dollars. hanging over your shoulders and it's I think it's scary for a lot of people which is why I think they go for those kind of jobs that maybe

they're not ready for. That plagues I don't know how many fucking Americans. Everyone. When you're 18, I mean, you lucked out. You knew about credit. You knew that if I gave you a credit card for $10,000, if I give

it to you, you got to pay it. Do you think when they first gave me a fucking credit card? Like when I first had my credit card I was very cautious Until the age of 30 when I got in the whole But I learned from that experience I owed on every credit card

I had creditors call me fucking everywhere Letters and I had to disappear And I don't know how many fucking people told me To go bankrupt Just go bankrupt and start off And I had one buddy who goes Don't ever claim liability disappear, that shit falls off your credit rating.

And you know what, man? I'm sitting here telling you, it did. I waited out, but I learned and I knew that if I got credit again, I was going to pay every fucking dime back. You know, I had a couple judgments against me from attorneys. I had one attorney who put a judgment on me

for like $2,000 bucks, but I was giving him blow, you know, but I didn't get a receipt. I fucked up, you know what I'm saying? So that happened to me there. there was a lot of things, mistakes I made at a young age. But once I made the mistake, my credit is like fucking impeccable now. Yeah.

I'm glad you got it back because it was drilled into my head for the young age. I have friends that don't have a life right now. I have 50-year-old friends, people at home to the listening that do not have a life and do not own anything because they fucked up their credit. And when they got a second chance, they fucked it up again. Once they give you a chance They watch you very slowly You work yourself up

You pay your little fucking bills Don't go overboard And you know what man I tell you I got out of a huge deck guys I can't even tell you the number I'm so embarrassed to tell I can't even in 1990 Just in credit cards

I probably left $80,000 What else is the thing to do You know, I probably wrote checks. Oh, what else? And then I got filed a judgment for child support. And then I had to pay all those attorneys back. And I fucking paid them back. And then I kept snorting and I kept paying back.

And I kept snorting and paying back. Oh, my God, Joey. I remember that I finally, when I got the longest yard, I started getting a credit card. Do you know that in one month I spent $5,000 in weed? My wife went fucking nuts. No, you didn't. On your credit card? Yeah.

She went nuts. Oh, my God, Joey. And I had a finance. Oh, it was terrible. Guys, I'm telling you that... You financed weed? No, I paid it back. I paid it in one chunk when it was a fucking nightmare.

Please, don't remind me. But after that, I never put... I never maxed out a card again. That was it. That was it. Don't get me wrong. Remember, people. Sometimes you can max out a card because you got it covered.

It's maxing out a card when you don't have it covered. Two big differences. I maxed out a card, but I had it covered. I knew I had a covered. Right. Yeah, yeah. I just kept going in. Now, I pay for all that weed cash, so she doesn't know, but I don't. This was when weed, this was when weed first fucking blew up in L.A. There was a place called the pharmacy.

And I was going in there every drain dropping three or four. What three or four? 100. Oh, they had everything. I was selling some of it. I was fucking giving away. They should take away your credit cards now. No, but I don't know. No, no, no. This is 2,000 fucking 18. 2009 when I got married.

You were just going in there and saying one of everything? I was going in there and getting three fucking quarters, giving a quarter of Ralphie, giving a quarter of this guy. Ari, I would buy a bunch of fucking edibles and give them away. They had ice cream. They had these cookies, Lee, that they found out years later that had Valium in it, you would get fucked up on these cookies for 15 months. I wonder why.

There were valium cookies. Yeah, they were little Valium cookies. So let me give some shoutouts real quick here. before I fucking forget here. I want the Mr. Lalingis get well. Tim Kelleher, Andrea Thomas, sexy Megan 715,

Renee and Carson, Cleo in Vegas hanging out with Ralphie and Talking Lear, Lady Jays going tomorrow, Joey Alvarado and his kettlebell program, Crystal and Bobby, and as always, the princess of the church, Ookie Spooky,

the Underbush, boss fucking manning shit. We're going to see her in Vegas this summer, hopefully. If the Ralphie Mae thing works out, we're going to bring her out Vegas weekend. Uki Spooky has the most amazing and also slightly terrifying Twitter feed that I've

ever seen. It's non-stop. When you check it, you know, there's a fucking, she's a savage on the other side. She's ready to kill people. There's dogs killing animals. It's amazing. Don't forget, 420 bitches, Levity Live. There's still tickets available. Sponsed by Star 1.

And then the following week, I'm at the Timbler Bar in Bakersfield on the 27. Tickets are available online. I don't know fucking where. I wish I could fucking help you, you know what I'm saying? You know me? I'm half a thought of. The Timbler Brewing Company, right? Yeah, the Timbaw Bluing Company.

So I was telling you, Lee, before I came in here, yesterday was tremendous. Yesterday was one of those fucking days people with just a tremendous day. I woke, I didn't go. After the show in Buffalo, I fucking ran home and tried to get at least three hours. asleep. You know, who the fuck doesn't want to sleep before they get on a fucking seven hour journey back to Los Angeles because I had to take a connecting flight.

I get back to the room. I'm thinking about the show. My heart's fucking pumping. I look at the clock. It's 2 o'clock. It's 2.45. It's 3 o'clock. Finally at 3.30. How long can you lie there for? I felt like one of the fat guys in the 600-pound show. I fucking got up. I turned the shower on.

I put the machine away. I rolled the joint. I went downstairs. I drank some coffee. I smoked a joint. I went upstairs. The driver came at 4.30 a.m., right? I go downstairs, boom, we take that. We get to the airport at 4.44. My flight's at 6.

As I'm getting out the fucking cab door, my page goes off, whatever. My email goes off. It's American Airlines. The flight's going to be 15 minutes delayed. Motherfucker. Already I smelled a rat. You know Uncle Joe, I fly every week, right?

I go in there, they got fucking nothing's open. You know, well, that's what I expected for fucking 42 in the morning. I had to eat at Tim Hortons Like an egg And a fucking bacon muffin Did you get a timbits? No, I got that And a potato thing

I didn't eat the potato thing I got the fruit And I ate this And I drank a fucking water And took my medication Everything was uppedi do But I started walking real fast And my blood

You know when you don't sleep Your blood pressure goes up So I started walking real fast I can feel my blood pressure Going up I get to my terminal too You know You never have

a terminal and you're right there. They always make you walk two fucking miles. So I get the terminal too at the end of the fucking tunnel and everybody looks like they lost the dog. Everybody's sitting around depressed and shit. The flights are 615. It's 540 and the stewardesses ain't there.

And you're supposed to board the plane a half hour before the plane takes off. Fucking finally at 10 to 6 the two pilots drawl on like Johnny Sinatra and his cousin Momo. They own the fucking joint. And then the students are still like there. They don't show up until 610.

Me being the fucking savage that I am, I got American Express. Ah, American Express. American Airlines on the phone. Because I know this plane's going to be fucking late. And I'm going to lose my whole thing. Sorry, my ears are itchy. I'm going to lose my whole fucking flight.

So I call American Airlines. I go, listen, what's the next flight out of Philadelphia via Buffalo? He goes, you're on the 8 a.m. After that, it's 330 and 430, but they're both sold out. So I knew what time it was. Even if they get me there, I'm fucking stuck. But boom, there comes the two stewardesses. They get on the plane, everything's beautiful now,

they're warming up the engines, the guy comes out, the chubby cute chick comes out, they both say you're going to start boarding in five minutes. You know me, I got Group A1. That's how I roll, right? I get right in there. Standing at attention. Right there.

Attention, I'm the first one on the fucking plane. Hoop doop-to-doop-de-do. I look outside in the horizon. It's still dark out, But I can tell that this propelling propeller, smoke is coming out of it. Oh, no, is it a propeller plane? Something. I don't know what the fuck it was, engine, whatever the fuck it was, propeller plane.

What's the matter? Were you retarded? I don't know. They don't have no more propeller planes? Yes, they do. No, they don't. So, uh, I see this kind of smoke, but I go, wait a second, Joe. It's 209 degrees.

This could be just, uh, the hot air from the thing, and that's what I wrote it off. But before I could switch, I see fucking five fire trucks running towards the plane. I'm, oh, I'm fucking doomed now. They get to the plane, they take the hoses out there spraying out one of the engines. The chubby cute chick walks up. She ain't that cute no more. She's like, the plane's been canceled. I don't know what to tell you.

Go to the ticketing agency. I already got fucking American Airlines on the phone and whatever, the platinum hotline. You know me. I'm not fucking, I've been flying with them for fucking 20 years. They better give me something. She says the next flight you get me on is 320 in the afternoon. And I'd get to L.A. at 7.41. I'm going to miss a little bit of the UFC, but it doesn't.

matter. I didn't bet it. And the next thing, you know, I'm sitting there, I get some coffee and I'm sitting there like a fucking moot d'al. And I go, wait a second. It's 20 to 7 in the morning. That's five fucking hours and then another two before I get any action. Fuck you. You've been all, you've already been there for two hours. I had already been there since 444. I go, you know what? Fuck this. I don't even give a fuck about my suitcase. I got my sleep app. That's why I carry my sleep apnea. with me everywhere.

I got rolling papers in there, a joint, I got a phone charger. You know me, dog. I got a book in there. I got an iPod. I said, fuck it.

I went out into the street. I got a fucking cab. I went right across the street and I got a hotel room. They were serving breakfast. And when I got there at seven, I was fresh. I got two eggs sunny side up,

some wheat toast, bacon, some corned beef hash. I got a box of fucking cereal. And I drank water. And I went upstairs. And I hit the crib till fucking one day. 30. So I washed my pussy. I bought

a hat at the airport because I had no fucking gel to put in my head to. And I went back to the airport. And I got there and I went to the anchor bar at the airport which sucked ass. Oh, man. And I got the beef on wick. And I went to the airplane and it was on time.

And I got back to Chicago. No problem in Chicago. The plane was coming in from Rome. It was going to be there early. We got there, bang. So got it. We even got in 20 minutes early. Nice. And 405 was wide open. 25 minutes it took my man Sam to get me home.

He said it was a record on a Saturday night. I forgot about Sam. You know me, though. I still got the Armenian drive. I'm loyal as fuck. I get home and the chicks were fighting. I jumped in the shower. I washed my little monkey.

My daughter was in the other bath. I jumped in. By the time she got out, I was dressed. We sat there and watched Chris Wydenman. We watched D.C. And after that, the whole family went to bed. We went inside and we watched Wally Kazam and Sophia I passed the fuck out. How important was the hotel?

Like, because there's a lot of, there were times when you wouldn't even get a hotel for a whole week. But, like, for me, I think I'd probably just ruff it out of the airport for six hours. Oh, yeah. How do you think it's... You know, if it was 15 years ago, guess what? I would have been in a cubicle somewhere past the fuck out. But the problem was I was awake all night And I know myself

I'm gonna get sick if I stay in there all day Walking around and being pissed off Let me tell you some When you sit in an airport It's a long fucking ride So a lot of people just take showers at the airport There's a place you can take a shower and shit I just didn't have my supplies with me

Oh See like I'm not judging you at all I think it's important Like especially for you That's your job to spend money And make sure that you're not dead tired today We talked about it two weeks ago on the podcast, maybe three weeks ago, about that, how I live very quietly. When it comes to flying and all that stuff when I'm on the road, I don't miss a beat.

I go for the best across the board. I learn that from Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan does not play games. He goes, I do everything just like Joe except the rental car. I don't want to drive in your fucking city at all. I don't know where I'm going. I don't want to be driving around the middle of fucking night. I don't got time for fighting games.

I want somebody who know where the fuck I'm going. You know, if you're not from there, I don't want you driving because I don't want to fuck around. I want the shortest route to the hotel, you know. So years ago, I had to layover. I'm talking 15, 20 years ago. I ended up making like 600 bucks and those Southwest tickets at 2 a pop.

Oh, right. They were giving away 500 yesterday. And I was like, should I stay? A little part of me was like, come on, Joey, stay. Take the chance. I was like, fuck you. The last time I was in Vegas, I volunteered for it, and they ended up, I was mad, they ended up getting someone on the flight.

Because it was only going to be an hour, and they guaranteed me on the next flight. And they're going to give me like $200 and my ticket back. I was like, oh, shit, I'll do that. That seems like a great scam. Hey, there's days where you can make a scam doing it all day. You can just sit there until you ask girls' roots. You come prepared. You know, I didn't know you could take a shower at the airport.

I've been flying for 20 years, and I just found this out yesterday. I just found it right now. I just found this. You got to be a part of those clubs. Oh, that's like a hundred bucks too. Yeah, so just might as well get a hotel. Oh, it's $100 to go in there? I think you have to, I know you have to buy,

you have the option to buy a pass. I think maybe you get in because of your miles, like of your standing. But like when I go to buy a ticket, they have the option to get in there. And I think they have like memberships too. But yeah, it's expensive. No, when I fly, man, I always leave.

extra just to like I know some town I know most cities I get an upgrade to I know how to scan the system but I know what cities I'm not but I always the hotel the club gets me the hotel let's not be a hypocrite here

but since I'm with a good agent they require a good hotel so half the time I don't want to even stay at that hotel because it might be a little farther from the club me in my world I want to be the closest to the club I could ever be right I don't want to drive after the fucking club on Friday and Saturday when it's 11 o'clock at night

and there's crazy people out there and I don't know where the fuck your town is so I want the shortest route from A to B I don't like playing fucking games I could care less if that hotels that's where Prince stayed and the Maharishi it means dick to me I want to be comfortable

which I'm comfortable at any hotel Right yeah I'm just gonna look into it I'm not gonna lie to nobody I'm just as comfortable in a motel 6 where I'm lying to you A little above the hotel 6 like a holiday and express.

I'm very comfortable, even though you could smell the colognes from the guy before, and you can smell the hooker's feet and shit. I'm just as comfortable in there as when I travel with Joe Rogan and go to a high-level hotel. The bed's the same. You know, I want a shower with glass covered and both a curtain. Most of these fancy hotels, they've got to have to shower. I got to shower quickly because the door is open. Then I'm going to lock myself in there for a four.

fucking hour when I go to a hotel. That's part of my fucking weekend. At one point I smoke a dube and I go in there and I think about fucking jokes. I just get steamed for an hour. I let everything come out of my muffler, the helmet, the whole fucking deal. You follow me? That's part of the action.

I like it. Sound like a fun weekend. Absolutely. What do you got planned this week? This week. This week I'm going to Vegas at the end of the week. Look at you. I have to, yeah. For work. And then I have to, I'm doing my taxes.

I'm actually, this is the first year that I'm not going to go into debt with my taxes. I'm actually finally saved up the money. Look at you, you bad, motherfucker. Yeah, it's going to be interesting. You're making two mill a year. You're holding out on me. I still haven't seen an embargo from the gambling. You always get your 10 points.

I don't see the gambling envelope. You fucking went to Vegas. You put the kibosh on me. Okay, I didn't gamble out there. He walked away when I started doing well. I got $200 on investment in your fucking gambling. I know that you lost a couple times, but then you turned the guy off-lawful of him. the luck around. You were picking up nickels,

400, 300, then you took Paul away you, you made a stand behind you, and you ended up losing a small nickel, spending a night in Laughlin. You know, you're a self-inflicted wound shot. You kept calling me and giving me, like, the bad luck. You're like, you're making fun of me because of it in Laughlin. I was doing fine, and then he kept calling me.

Now is me, Cox, second. Yeah, it is. So all I know is you're up like 600. No, no, I lost that all in Laughlin. So I don't see, no, no, no, you were up like six or 700. I was up 400, and I lost it in a half. No, for the year, you were up. up like a thousand. I wish.

You lost three, so there's seven lying around that I didn't get my little taste from, you know what I'm saying? That's all I'm asking for. I'm not asking for the 400%. I'm asking just to wet my beak, as they say. What's the what's the beak percentage? 10 points, 15, you know. I know you're generous. I know you're a generous guy.

You give to the Blue Cross, you know, you're a bad motherfucker. Like I said, guys, we got a great lineup this month. Alonzo had a boogie with Nuggy, but we're going to fucking rock your world this month. You're going to be surprised. As usual, I will be in town the next three weeks, which is good because I can really focus and fuck around with your people. And next Sunday is the return of the edible into Joey's life. I don't know if you motherfuckers know that. So that'll be really interesting.

Let me talk to you people again about this, okay? And this is from the heart here. We've been doing this podcast for what, four or five years? Yeah, five years. And five years ago. This is just to let you motherfuckers know We had Dollar Shave Club As our sponsor

Yeah So I still had Razors and handles left over Listen, I won't switch To anything else I'm telling you this people Out of honesty This is no bullshit

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Every year they make a tiny change in a razor. then they try to convince you it's a totally anew and you need to spend even more for it. I'm done with all that. And so should you thanks to Dollar Shave Club, right? Like I said, Lee still has him. And I say, well, whenever Lee shaves,

you don't want to shave no more. He's back with the fucking, the look of terror. You know what I'm saying? Every time I look at him, I think of an airport getting more. I'm shamed. You're not shamed. Oh, you shave your head. That's right. Anyway, listen, if you haven't tried Dollar Shave Club yet, you're missing out. And that's

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at dollar shaveclub.com slash church. Again, that's dollar shaveclub. Dot com slash church. Let me talk to you about something. I told you in the beginning, and I'm telling you now again, nobody wants to have a stinky asshole. That's why it's your lucky day.

You know why? Because bidet's a back. It's your lucky day. Right now, you're sitting there, you're listening, with nobody looking at the office. Get up real quick. Stick your finger in your,

ass and just sniff it a little bit around the muffle. I'm not saying stick it all the way in and pop skin. I'm just talking about that little exhaust area there. Smell that finger. And be honest with yourself. Do you want to drop this on somebody? No. So that's why a bidet is for you. What's that

Lee? Like you said, give them a second to pause. They have to wash their hands now. Sure. You got to go, who goes a fuck? Any professional knows, you scratch your ass. You don't fucking scratch. You don't wash your hands. You stay around and you shake people's heads. That's the American. That's the American way. Anyway, keep your asshole clean.

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You just take your little poop or show up with your little stinky monkey, bend over, turn on the water, and let the water do the rest. It saved my life. weekend, I had one night where my hot water was out. And without the hello-tushy, I don't know what I would have done. There you go. It could say, listen, and just because, let's say there's no water, you can still use hello-thusie. You can wash your face, too. Go to hello-touchy.com.

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Go to hellotushy.com slash church and get 10% off. I want to thank Dollar Shave Club. I want to thank hellotushy.com. And I also want to thank Onit.com for being there for us. Once again, we'll see you motherfuckers tomorrow, 8 o'clock. Be ready to rock. Get this party started, Lee. Don't forget 420, that whole weekend, Levity Live.

Coxnard and the following week, Timbler, Blue and Company, Baker's Field, cocksucker. Let's do that. Where's the siren, Lee? Oh, damn. Jesus Christ, just put the music on. I love you guys.

We'll talk in two days, three days. Stay black. Where's the music? Oh, shit. A little old-school, Errol Smith. Taking a little nicotine gun. We're taking this party to a new level.