The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #473 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: April 18, 2017

Kate Quigley, Comedian, actress, and host of  the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.    Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 04/17/17  

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Monday. April 17. There you go Here we go Here we go The church of what's happening Now what's up Lee Syatt

My main girl Kate Quigley in the fucking Fucking house here What's up Talking about bringing fucking Tutu Tuts into the office Next thing you know If you have a bikini on

I got a cape on You know what I'm saying Who needs the aggravation In their life? I actually wear capes with my bikinis I'm 54 I'd have to call 911 911

weed and the acid and the things that you bring. It's so good. Listen, the acid is one of those things you have to do on a kind of a say quacket quah type of night. What does that mean? I don't know what it to fuck. Don't ask me any questions. Say quah, quay quah. Yeah, it's got to be like one of those nights when you least expect it.

You're feeling down. You don't know what your next move is. And you go, Uncle Joey, you know what? Tonight's the night. Break out of a fucking sugar cube. How much is it like the mushrooms? Because I've never done acid. I've only done the mushrooms here.

It's in the same. neighborhood. You might see a few things. It's like when you get into a city and the night, like the neighborhood is nice at the beginning, but the further you drive down the street, it gets a little scary. Scarier? Yeah.

That's how the mushrooms were. We'll give you a little drop, not a big drop. We'll give you a little drop to get the party started. And just check it out from there. A little drop. A little drop. A little size. It's your first time.

We can't give you half the bottle. Me and Leah do fucking two drops of piece tonight. I was going to say the way I'm feeling. I got radio at 8 a.m. Do you really hear? Oh, For the weekend. Ventura, yeah.

It's going to be fun. I love that club. Have you been there yet? No, no, it's my first time. I love it. It's my favorite. I got to say something, man. I fell in love with Levity Live and Oxa.

I haven't been there. Yeah. Nyack, that was a cool fucking joint. Sometimes you want to be on the East Coast, but you don't really want to be in the East Coast? That's the room. That's the room. That's the place. Nobody knows that you're there in Nyack.

You could kill somebody 80 times. Perfect. And they can't find you in Nyak. You can slip out of Nyack. Nobody knows. Murder and leave. Yeah. Murder.

You can live in a shack in Nyack and nobody knows Dick. I've never been to Nyack. You got access to the Bronx, white plains. You can zip in and out. You get fresh bread. Fresh bread. Well, where else can you get that? You can be right back in Nyack before nobody knows you're missing.

You know what I'm saying? He's already thrown out the whole life plan. I just saw the people that were coming in. I'd ask them how far are you, they've gone from the Bronx. Really? And you thought these look like people. I thought it was like three hours. Could kill someone.

No, no, no, no. Good American Irish people. Really? I want to go. A couple Ricans, couple of Dominicans, just nice people. I love the East Coast.

You know nothing crazy. Yeah. Yeah. You belong in the East Coast with a fucking sugar cube. Lee, what's up with you? You fucking Savage of Debt. I had a great week.

I saw Cleo from the Netherlands for the second time. You went to Vegas. You lost 20 bucks. I won 20 bucks. What's Cleo from the Netherlands? She's a listener of the show. She's a church fucking savage. Oh.

And I met her. And Lady Jay showed out. Lady Jay. Stam. Very nice. Stan and his wife invited us into their house. It was great. Larry, of course.

It was fun. I love Vegas. I don't know. I've said it 8,000 times. I love everything about Vegas. Good. I love Vegas, too. I love Vegas too.

It's fun. It's fun. You're queen of Vegas. You're like Maryland and rural. You walk around. People light your cigarettes. They give you a free hotel rooms. No, no.

They got cameras on the rooms. They give those rooms for free? Yeah, I get the rooms with the cameras. And I don't pay. They give you a fucking cameras 10 years from now. You're on the honeymoon with your husband. There you are with a dog. dough up your ass with Jen cheering you on.

Thank you, Joey. Going, what the fuck is this shit? I thought you were a great girl. I am, honey. That's a double. How much money did Aaron Andrews get? If I were you, I'd be hoping for that. Anne Andrews got like hundreds of millions of dollars.

I do think about that sometimes. I do think about that. I'm like, maybe I just have a sex tape just on back, like on the, you know, back burner just in case if everything totally tanks out, then I have someone like leak it. Listen, man, I was always more on the criminal side. Right. I was always more of a criminal. I wasn't a good looking dude.

And I didn't have a game to play game. Do you know what I'm saying? But when I was in the seventh grade, I got so heartbroken at every angle of love that I knew that if I ever had a girlfriend, I would never do those things. Like I still remember I was breaking up. I still remember a year later when she started dating a guy,

how it bothered me. Do you know what I'm saying? Not that I jumped out of window or not that you stop. So you also have to respect people. Like I remember the first time, that was, ah, girl. in my high school. And I used to look at it and fantasize, but go, nah.

And I heard she was a little loose when we were growing up. If you gave her a few fucking bees, shit could crack a lack. And at that time, I was still awkwardly sex-wise, so I thought it would be an easy pick. And I got a fucking buddy man came up to me one night. This girl, and she goes, come to talk you for a second on the side. What do you think of such and such?

and I think such and such is great and she goes, what do you think if you and her and me and your buddy double dated downtown? And I go, you're fucking crazy. The girl I'm talking about in question here, dates a gorilla. I was like a fucking sophomore and this kid was like a senior, but he was a gorilla.

He's a good-looking big dude. A football player, and I thought about it and I went up to him in the hallways. And I said, hey, man, I tell you something. I'm thinking of taking her out of a date and a double date. You said that to her gorilla boyfriend? The ex. They had broken up. They had broken up about three or four weeks.

Wow, that takes balls. And even at that age, I remember, you have to go up to people and be respectful. You have to be respectful of people's feelings and see where they're at. You're such a good guy. If the guy looks at you, don't get me wrong. Nobody, what he said, I was still going to try to get my dicks up. I was just doing it. You know what I'm saying? I have a cover. Sometimes you've got to have a cover. Sometimes you have to have a cover.

What would I do that? I came to you two weeks ago. We didn't do nothing. It's not about really respect. It's more about saving yourself. It was an hysterical situation with it because we're still dear friends today. Shut up. So did you ask her out? What happened was a week before my mom died. We were at a Halloween party.

I was dressed up as a ghost. And she was a dirty witch or something. And she was at a different party. Like I said to you, this chick was a little on the loose side. And that night I went with a girl. This is a fucked up story that I don't tell a lot of people. I'm at this party. And this hot blonde shows out.

who's my friend on Facebook today banged him when she was in high school she was to the level when she was a sophomore she was already dating men like it was established don't even look at her she was already dating like this hot college guy top shelf shit hall that was a gorilla

so she comes up to me she goes you didn't hook up with my friend we're all excited you're gonna hook up with her come on I'll take it to her so she dates a gorilla in real life so as we're coming now to get down from this party it was a pole how does this happen this never like that fucking pole

to get down from the party There's a pull? This is a tremendous Halloween party. You're in a fire station? Everybody's on acid. Everybody's tripping that balls off. Me and this girl walk out. She's holding my hand.

She's drunk pulling me. Who do you think pulls up? A gorilla boyfriend. Oh, shit. And he gets out. From what the fuck is going on? I dropped her hand. I knew him.

I knew him because he delivered beer on the weekends and shit. And we used to tip him heavy when we were underage. So he's like, what's going on here? And then he went up to her. He's like, I thought you were going here. And he goes, I am, I'm here. I'm just going to take him to meet. What's the name?

And he started yelling at it, and I asked him. I said, listen, man, it's the truth. I'm sorry if I disrespect you. She was in. And he goes, I'll deal with you later. And I go, listen, please, it's not her fault. It's between me and you. She was just going to walk me over there.

Are you still in the ghost suit? I'm still in the ghost suit. So all you can see is your eyes? He gets in the car with her. I never team up with that girl. But that Monday or Tuesday, he pulled up to me. And he goes, what you did the other night, had balls.

You were friends now and shit. He goes, she told me the whole story the next day that you were going to hook up with and he goes, I'm happy for you. She had hooked up with another guy. This girl hooked up with a different dude. No. So this went on for years. Like we never really hooked up.

And then after high school, me and this girl ended up in the same click. Oh, in college? In high school. Well, after. After high school. She was in travel age in school. Got it. And I was a fucking floater.

I was just, you know, picking up whatever I could. You guys never did hook up? No, I went to Colorado, and that's when we started talking on the phone. She was having problems with her boyfriend. The boyfriend was a piece of shit. Meanwhile, I'm hearing reports. She's blowing this one. She's blowing that one, right?

It's a fucking nightmare. What do you get your reports from? From back in my hometown? People telling me what's Greg Lacken. People are still reporting years later? They're like, that bit is still loose. No, because we all hung out in the same circle. So there was a lot of gossip.

Was she really loose in high school? Did she just have big boobs? I know she was fucking loose. You knew for sure? Yeah. Isn't that real frustrating when you know she's banging everybody, but you never get it? No, no, no. I wasn't frustrated at that point.

I just took it for what it was. Then one night I went down the shore when I was like a senior going into senior year and they were in this apartment. And I didn't know they were there. I just went in there with some buddies of mine. We're talking and we were snorting coke. And those days we were eating black beauties. What's that?

Those little speed pills. They were like speed diet pills. I used to get a thousand of them for $35 and sell them for a dollar a piece. Bang! Black beauty! Bang! Right? So I went down to this party with snorting black beauties.

We're drinking out of Zet and shit. And me and her ended up in this bed. We walked to this bedroom and we both had. Now at this time, she's dating a fucking super gorilla. the only thing I got in my corner is that I grew up with this fucking gorilla. Oh, so this guy knows you. And this guy's shooting blowing arrows at people from his window.

Sure. This guy was a hunter. He was crazy. But really good looking. And by this time, he knew she had fucked 20 guys. Because he was fucking chicks. So she was fucking dudes. She didn't play games.

The first word she got that you fuck somebody, she was in the city swallowing an $80 steak. But on the way back, she'd suck your dick like it was never, never land. hysterical. That's how you get steak. I come back from Colorado, and I know what time it is. She's still with the dude.

She's still blowing a friend of mine, and she's fucking another guy half and half. But I come into the picture, and I start talking to her, talking to her talking to, she's talking to me. And one night we hook up. We hook up, and little things happen. But I'll never forget one of the things that happened. I said, let me answer a question. I go, uh, have you been tested? I'm fingering her.

She had a little Toyota at the time, right? Wait, so you're fingering her? You're fingering her, but you know. Okay. This is like the first that we really officially got together. Like, we had been together before at parties and we had talked about doing things, but it always, we always went to the diner and there was eight people there. Got it.

You know what I'm saying? It was like, you were ready to. We were ready to finger someone at the diner. Not impossible. So now we're going to come. We go into the city. We have a couple of drinks. We do a couple blast.

In those days, I used to get like a half a gram of Coke. Like, I could do a half a gram. Even though I haven't done coke in 10 years, I could do a gram in one line now. Like, still, like, that's where the half, I was doing a half a gram. I never forget. I put it in this mirror.

It was like three in the morning. You know, her ex-boyfriend was gone. He was dating somebody else. It was me and her until the end. It was like a bon Jovi song. You know what I'm saying? So, we were going to run away together. The moonlight was in the mirror.

And I never forget, I said to us, what's the story? You're going to suck my dink? She goes, I don't want to do that. I don't do that. And I remember looking at her straight in the face and go, what's it going to take if you're going to suck my dick? She looked me straight in the face. She goes, a line of Coke.

I gave her that line of Coke. That was it. We were boyfriend and girlfriend after that. It was official. Like, I fell in love. Like, that was it. Like, this was it. For real?

Oh, yeah, I liked it. I had a crush on it for four or five years. I used to play freshman basketball. That romantic. And then you did you. she snorted coke and gave hat to you. I used to see her running track, jumping to high hurdles. No.

My fucking, she used to run, like she ran with four girls that were as good looking as they were dangerous. Like, I'll tell you how good her crew was in high school. That's a cool compliment. When they were sophomores and juniors, one of them dated. We used to see them in bars. In fact, the girl lives here now. Matt Dillon No way

When I was in high school One of that serious The Robert Fulton crew Yeah They used to Because her brother was named Columbia So she used to call A Columbia sister

But Columbia sister Used to have Like when we used to walk up From the park And there'd be the Porsche And we'd go to Maregs And there'd be Matt Dillon With Columbia's sister

Dugging it up at the corner That's how badass Those bitches were There was twins There were these two Italian twins that were fucking sensational, their asses. There was the girl I was in love with, the redhead. Yeah.

There was the fucking, there was a blonde that was banging. And these girls already had reputations as sophomores. They're two basketball players and taking them home and they did a threesome. Like, these girls were done, done. But they were banging. They all had boyfriends. So here's me and fucking the redhead was trying to sneak around this shit. This is no lie.

And I'm living maybe a block and a half of my. So basically, I'm going to a house at night and going in her back window, and not her back window, her back door. And I would go in the living room when her parents would always stay upstairs. They were told no, I ever come down. That's the best. Hysterical. Sneaking in, that is the best.

And I would go in there, we'd have sex, and I'd leave and walk out. Anyway, one Sunday, I call her up. And I go, what do you want to do? Now, I'm Brokley. I'm making $2.50 a week. So if I take it to a hotel, I got a fucking basically. $2.50 a fucking dollars a week. Don't be fucking stupid.

That's a lot of money in high school. It's 1983. No, we're out of high school now. Okay. We're about a year or two out of high school. I'm making about $2.50 a week. Working 40 hours fucking stocking pipe and electrical supplies. So when I spent $60 on a piece of pussy, it had to be fucking primavera.

Like, I was going to stab you, eat your ass, eat one of his eyeballs. It was on. Like, if we did blow, it was going to be a 12-hour marathon. I was going to eat your pussy while you're sleeping. Don't worry. Just keep sleeping. I got to get the $60 out of this cocaine. Just keep sleeping.

Fucking horrible. Fuck that. I want to be awake for that. One Sunday night, we go into the city and we go, fuck it. Let's get high. We get eight volumes for $10. How much was it? No.

By Washington Square Park, in those days on Sundays, Dave Chappelle would perform with this black comedian. I forget his name now. He was maybe 14. Oh, wow. So the hip thing to do in those days, like if you had a boyfriend, while everybody else was eating pasta at their house, you and me were going to the city at about four, catch the tail end of Dave Chappelle in the southern...

Charlie Barnett. Charlie Barnett. And we go to... There was a McSorley's ale, nut. And I know I'm fucking up the name, right in the village, right there. And you go in there, you get three mugs for like four bucks in a bowl of chili. And while you were eating, Mama, I'd go over. and get 10 valium, eight valiums,

and a fucking bag of reefer, and we'd eat pop like a little valium, we'd smoke some dudes of dudes, you get, that was young love. Damn. Kate Quigley's young love. Sounds fun. We're holding hands.

We're creeping around New York. We're listening to Bond. No, Bon Jovi wasn't even out yet. None of that shit. It was just in your mind. Never say goodbye. Never say. Like, we were into it.

So we both went back to our respected houses. She went home to dinner. I went home to dinner. at the DeLorenzo's and that night we go let's go to a hotel okay so she goes I'll pick you up at eight or you could walk to the York motel the York motel was at walking distance you could go in there with no ID it smelled like sperm they were clean towels you could smell the Hindu family cooking but you know what who gives a fuck when you just when you're young and you want to have sex you don't even look at those things young I did that like six months ago

who cares so we go out now she's day Now, this gorilla, we haven't heard from him in like three weeks. We're running around town like fucking Sean Pan and Madonna, you know, but this gorilla has not shown his fucking face. So finally at 815 that night, she picks me up. And she goes, I don't want to worry you, but he's been calling the house all night. And he's pissed off. He says he wants to get back with me that he misses me and he loves me.

I go, listen, you do whatever you got to do. Let's go to the hotel first. You know what I'm saying? Like, I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a far. Listen, tell me, we go to the hotel,

we have sex for three hours, I eat a rass, the whole fucking thing. It's the best the first time. We go to Carvel, we get ice cream like young lovers. Yeah. You know,

and then we're going up the hill. We're stopped out of light. Who do you think jumps on the hood? Oh, no. He jumped on the hood. Are you serious? But the gorilla jumped on and held down,

like, no, no, yes, he did. Yes, he did. How did he know where you were? He was looking for her. walking around the neighborhood.

Oh, my God. So he's holding on to the winchion. He's like, you, get out of the car. Lisa, I want to talk to you. So I fucking get out of the car. And I go, what's up, dog? And he goes, where the fuck are you guys coming from? You answer me first.

And I go, we went to the fucking movies. And we already had an excuse. We dropped off Lee at home. We all went to Chan's dragging in. That's why I got beat up. Me, ma. Meanwhile, he goes, well, Coco, can you walk home? Can I talk to my girlfriend here?

And I go, you do whatever you want. She's like, no, I don't want to talk to him. I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. I'm not taking it. And she's like, no, I don't want to talk to. I told you're ready. You cheated on me. You suck and all this shit.

I'm standing there. And meanwhile, he goes, wait a second. Why is your shirt on backwards? I knew you were going to say that. Oh, my God. A fucking label was out. Oh, my God. And he goes, were you in a rush or something?

Coco. Didn't you say something to her? I'm like, no, I'm high. I didn't see it. I picked her up at the gym. I don't know what happened. It was fucking. crazy. I can't believe you got out of the car.

If a dude jumped on the hood of my car, there's no way I'm getting out. I would back up. I'd throw it in reverse. We grew up with it. Still. I mean, we weren't doing nothing. We looked innocent in the car. There was no alcohol. That's what I would do. I would jump on. If someone jumped on my hood, I'm seven like that.

But he's a gorilla. He's huge. And you just fucked his girl. So listen to me. The guy before me was fucking a, and he would actually torment the kid. Okay, the guy Purvis. Yeah.

In fact, the guy's brother listens to this podcast religiously. Shut up. He's going to laugh. Shut up. The brother never had a girlfriend. This chick used to suck his dick and he'd go crazy. I mean, he fell in love with her. He went crazy.

So one night they were at a bar, this was going on for like, like if the gorilla was in the bar and my friend who was now fucking his girlfriend was, now they were together at the time. Yeah. And she was fucking my friend. My friend would actually go to a bar, buy him a drink. and send it over and drink it, and then he walk out. So the tension was going on. Wow.

So now it's a Wednesday night. It's ladies night at this bar off Townley Boulevard. Yeah. And we're all in there. We're fucking having a good time. And boom, Gorilla Man walks in with the broad. Now, two hours earlier,

she was blowing my friend. I mean, it was an ugly, ugly thing. Holy shit. We're all sitting there, and Gorilla Man sends him a drink with love. Like, keep sending him drinks with fucking love. Did he know? Like, oh, yeah, everybody knew.

Everybody knew the guy. Every 80 people in that bar knew what was going on. Oh, my God. And here's my buddy sending guerrilla McGillard Gorilla drinks going like, that's how I'm me. She's beautiful. I love her. And this was heating up and they fought for like two minutes.

And then he clipped me one night too. For what? Same thing. I thought I was in love with it too. Well, he kind of were. I saw his hand come over and I just fell to the floor and I didn't say a word after that. He punched you. just for liking her?

You didn't even, you guys weren't even husband. By liking her, by this time we had 69, the liking was over. We were going away for the weekend. How can this chick do that? I get stressed out if I even date two guys that know each other. We were together for like six weeks, then the shit just broke apart. And then after that, we had sex a few more times. And, you know, you know what the real true story is that I can't remember if somebody would do that to me,

thinking back, I would never talk to him. You know what happened here? Her and I were good friends. You know what, man, we wanted to. We were young. If we were to bump into each other and we were 24, we would never have done that. There was cocaine involved.

She was a part-time hooker. She was not. No, she was a part-time whore. She liked it. She was a piece of ass. She had to like it. She had to like it. If you're fucking a bunch of dudes

that all know each other, you're kind of getting off on that attention. You have to be. She was beautiful. She was, and you know what, man, until today, she's one of my best, best, best friends in life. I heard even before, listen, I have a, my daughter's godfather told me he was at a party 20 years ago. And somebody brought my name up and people like, fuck that dude. I hope he burns an hell. She's like, listen, bitches, I will fuck you's all up.

I love it. She's like, he's doing comedy. I think he's in, at the time I was in Seattle, and he'll never do nothing with his life. And she was like, you guys, you guys got something coming. And she's been there. She's married. I love her husband today. You know, I mean, the last embarrassment, and I thought about this the other day,

I was at a Christmas party, coked up to the gills. And she was there with the dude she was dating now. But she had just broken up with the dude. McGillagher gorilla was there. Really? I was there. Do you still see this gorilla guy? He was,

No, no, no. So I didn't see him. No, I'm lying to you. I didn't see him at that party. But that night I got really drunk and I had her in the bathroom. And I remember telling how much I loved her. And I remember, she's going,

you know, I kind of like this guy and all this and we can't do this. I go, right, don't worry about nothing. Just suck my dick wards. Like, that's all I wanted. And she's like, no, absolutely not. Guys are always like, just one more time. Just suck my dick, it doesn't count.

It doesn't count. And she ran out of there. And then. I did something New Year's Eve. I beat this guy for drugs on New Year's Eve for like $3,000. And I started a new life in Crescale, New Jersey. Okay?

And I'm in Crescale three weeks. I got a job at the liquor store. I'm going into Manhattan every day and looking for work. I'm buying nickel bags of weed. I'm off the Coke. And I'm walking past the church one day. I'm dinner time.

A church? A church. And you thought I should start a podcast? Just any regular, church and I look in and I'm looking at the elevator and it's McGilligarilla. He was a union elevator guy. That's why he did in high school. He apprenticed with his family and a bunch of other kids from my area. They became elevator mechanics and I saw him and I go and it was January of 85 and the last time we had you know me and him had grown up together. I mean him and I robbed a van

him and I play football together as a kid. We played basketball. We gave people nicknames. We smoked dope together. We lived a van. Oh, yeah. Like stole a van? Like, no, no.

They left the van on the side of the street with t-shirts and stickers and glue presses. So what we did is we fucking stole everything and we took it out and then we go, well, we got to do something with the van. I mean, it was fucking crazy. I mean, I walked up to him. He walked up to me. I put my hand down and they go, I'm sorry, bro, about that whole thing. And he put out his hand, and he goes, can you imagine? Like, we all acted this fuck.

Like, we both could not believe what had happened. Like, I wasn't mad at that. I was never mad at that girl. In fact, I went to prison, came out, and I was in the halfway house, and my friends came out from New Jersey. And we were talking, and one of them pulled me aside. I was, listen, bro, I bumped into your buddy about a week ago, And I told her I was coming out here to see, she said before you get married, make sure you give her a call.

It was weird. And I go, I'm not calling her like that. How can I trust her? You know what I'm saying? She's got fucking 19 sperms and different fucking friends of mine. You think that's why she wanted to talk? Like before she got. No.

You know, who know what she wanted. But by that point, I had already made a bad decision with the wife I was picking. I had already had a fucking life. Why would I start a new life? You know, it's just weird how. things worked out but now at 54 i will tell you she's one of my biggest like when i go home i meet at a chinese place i know her mother i know her father oh that's so cool i left my album collection to her sister her sister was a heavy metal chick who like music i shoplifted all those albums anyway

it was like 400 fucking albums i give her a milk crate no way that's so awesome it's amazing to have friends like that they're friends your whole life well we're done to fucking the end You're lucky you have that. I don't think many people still know people that they went to high school with. I mean, I can count them. No, I know two people I went to high school with. I have one. But I was going to ask, Kate, is it hard being like a girl who likes to have sex?

No, it's not hard. It just seemed because it, like, the whole time Joe was telling that story, all I was thinking about was I've never once. And I didn't have sex with many people. But I never once even dated anyone that I've found. undated. It would seem too weird. I didn't want to kiss anybody that someone else had kiss. I knew. Yeah. So just... I have had that problem because I've dated a few... Well, like, I've dated... This is a small industry. Like Hollywood, even though it's a big town, you know, it's kind of like high school. Everybody knows everybody. So if you hook up with one comic

or one actor, one person in the business, then I feel like everybody else in the business that you meet might be kind of pals with that person or know that person. And then, yeah, I had a guy say to me that I was really into. He's like, I can't date you because... because I know too much. Like, because I had fucked guys that he knew. He couldn't, he wouldn't date me just because of that.

So, yeah, it kind of sucks. Some people can't get up. I don't care, though. I believe that you have to get over things. You know, you, if you date a chick that's on YouTube

and six midgets are coming out of face, you have to decide whether you want her to be the mother of your child. That's hard to find on YouTube. Yeah, that's not to find. You know what I'm saying? Usually that's on Pornhub, not YouTube.

But you decide, like I did this thing with Sam Tripoli and, bunch of guys maybe in the year 2000 about a porno thing some guy had in his mind he wanted to do what that dude did and have porn oh you know the chicks who come to your party what was that show the guy went to fucking jail he hung out with the Kardashians and shit the guy had videos oh the world's gone wild yeah I'm just fucking genius I wanted to put together in a Beverly Hills mansion

200 chicks and you know a bunch of fucking loser guys with Cologne on and me, Tripoli, and who's the other guy? Come on, Tebow. A bunch of us, Ari. We all did comedy at this porno thing, and if it made money, we'd get a percentage of it. That's hilarious. It was one of the worst things you've ever seen in your life.

I wish I was there. The one thing I took out of that party was that I had heard about, but I had never seen and it disgusted me, was a guy who was there. He was married to abroad. That was really like a seven. But he brought her there to get fucked by 10 guys at this party. No way.

Yeah, and he's standing there while these guys are fucking his wife in the back room. Some guys are into that. It's so weird to me, but some guys are into that. Like, I dated a guy and it was like a long distance thing. And he one time said to me that he wanted to watch me fuck another guy on FaceTime. Did you do it? No. I was like so offended.

It changed everything. I was like, how can you want to see me fuck someone else? It really bothered me. I would never. I dated a porn actor. So I have had to watch. guy I liked. Fuck other people. I don't like it. It's not, it's not fun. Would you want to watch your girl fuck somebody else? Hell no. Not really. Not really. But wait, can I tell you my best, like,

redemption story for my dating? I haven't told this anywhere. This story is amazing. Whoa, you heard it here first. Okay. So I was dating this guy and I was like hung up. I told you about this guy that I was kind of seeing. He was a porn actor. It was such a bad move. But I was like really hung up. We dated for a while, like six, seven months. And then we stopped talking because I, this is so fucked up. I wanted more. Like, I wanted like it to be a relationship. I don't know why because he's a porn act.

I'm not making wise life choices in my love life. But neither is Lee, so it's fine. No, no. Wait, was he the best sex you ever had? The best sex. I mean, that's the problem. He was not a good guy. Like from jump, he was a dick.

But he was the sex once we fucked. I said I wouldn't date him. And then we hung out a few times. And then we had sex. And then I was like, I want a relationship. Like the sex was mind blowing. Do you do Viagra ever? No.

I mean, like, it's just that he could fuck for so long, like for hours. And I never came that. It doesn't matter. I don't want this to go to his head if he ever hears this. So the sex was just fine. Okay. So anyway, then I wanted more and he didn't. So we sell.

talk. Let me ask you something. On the legit side. Why, you're falling in love and you're sucking that pipe. Let's not call it love. I don't think it was love, Joey, okay? It was more like I was dignitized.

I was just hypnotized by the dick. The dick was good. I never had such good dick before. He would beat me up and he would like, he would like call me names. Hold on, hold on. Before you start making accusations.

No, in a good way. In a good way. In a good way. No, like good beating up. Listen, but I understand, but no, no. Let me ask you a question on the up and up here. Let's pretend you're sucking his pipe, right? Okay.

Don't you think that he had done of some Arabian's ass on Tuesday? Yes. On a porn scene and you're sucking like... Here's what happened. I decided to block it out mentally. Because when we would hang out, he would never talk about porn. He would talk about other things he was into. Like what?

What else could he possibly be into? Like, he was into other, like, cars and like, like, um, CrossFit But fighting Like other things You know So we just wouldn't talk about porn And I would just

I unfollowed him on everything So I would never see the porn So I just I just put it out of my head Even though I knew But also he was always like I'm gonna stop doing it soon So I was like okay

And I thought Think about it I thought it would be a great relationship Because I was like This is a guy Who will not be chasing pussy Because he gets so much pussy So he'll be just happy enough

With the porn pussy And me right? So that was the plan. That was my plan. But it didn't work because it turned out when I said, hey, what do you think if we make this like a relationship? He was like, oh, no, I still want to fuck other people. And I was like, but you get to fuck like 50 girls a week. And he was like, I want to also fuck other people. So we stopped talking. Okay. So three months goes by. No talking. And then it's my fault. One night I got a little drunk and I texted him and I said, hi. just hi and then he texts back hey and then i said i've been thinking about you and then he said i've been thinking about you too and i said what have you been thinking about and then he's like you know i've been thinking about the fights but then i've also been thinking about like beating your ass and like fucking the shit out of you and all this stuff right and then i like a typical girl i go well um do you miss more than just fucking me or is it pretty much just the sex and then he was like no i really

miss you. So then I'm like, aw. So then I'm like, what do you doing tonight? Why don't I come over? And he's like, yeah, come over. So I go to his house. It's like 1 a.m. We fuck, okay? 3 a.m. He's like, we're cuddling. And he goes, hey, so you don't get

to stay the night. You probably should take off. And I was like, what? What do you talk about? It's 3 o'clock in the morning. And he goes, well, you haven't earned your way into sleeping over yet. I haven't seen you in a while. So I was like All right

So I left It sounds like the dirtier version To the start of bridesmaids Like that's the same bridesmaidly This is reality, you're right? But this is where it gets good Okay I wake up the next day

I'm pissed as fuck I'm so mad that he threw me out It's like I woke up in the morning sober And I'm like did that really happen That motherfucker kicked me out at 3 a.m? So then I start texting him Joey I was a psychopath I sent him like 45 text messages

Every time he wouldn't answer, I text him again and again and again and again. And I kept asking him why he kicked me out. And finally, he wrote back and told me that he didn't want me to have feelings for him because he found out he's having a kid with another girl. So he didn't want to date me. So that's why he asked me to leave. So then I was like, but you said that you missed me. And he's like, well, I did.

But I really just wanted to fuck. And, you know, I was late. And that was that. So I'm pissed as fuck. Then I start going off on him with texts. he blocks my number so then I'm a psycho so I found an app where you can text from like 45 different phone numbers and I started sending him texts from all these different phone numbers like I was so angry but it became funny because I started pretending to be other people and like really fucking with

them and and I'm a crazy person but here's the thing the next day I go on my podcast and I tell this story and I don't think anything of it I just tell it so I'm angry and I don't say who he is but I tell the story my phone rings a few hours. after the podcast comes out and it's him and he's freaking out and telling me that I've ruined his life because it turns out he has a girlfriend and she listens to my podcast. She's like a fan of mine and she loves my podcast and she put together from the story that I was talking about him and she didn't know he was having a kid with another girl. So now I ruined his relationship because it turns out he has a girlfriend and he has a baby mom and he had me. He had this whole love

triangle and I didn't know. The point is I feel I feel I'm angry. I'm angry right now. I'm just tired of getting fucked over. Why don't you start dating Lee? Listen, you start dating Lee. He ain't going to cheat on you. He'll bring home gravy every week. How amazing?

How amazing? He'll give you a ride to the gig. He'll manage your career. I need a guy like Lee. This is Lee. Lee would treat me well. Unbelievable. How crazy is it though?

What are the odds that this random girl listens to my podcast and figure it out? You lick Lee's nut sack. He'll give me... Joey. He'll give me the combination to his mother's safe. I understand me? He don't give a fuck. That's what the Jew jewels are.

Joey. And the picture of fucking Lee next to Hitler. There's how, like, psychotic. I realized, this is how I realize I realize I need therapy. Because I actually, I called my lawyer to ask my lawyer what the boundaries are of, like, fucking with someone after they hurt you. So then I had made my lawyer write me a whole letter of all the things I'm allowed to do. to fuck with someone.

You just explain to me why you're single. Because you're fucking nuts. I love it. I know I am. You fell in love with this poor guy. I'm only nuts with, I only... I've got enough problems on his own. Let me tell you something.

He's lucky I liked him. No shit. It was just... Lust. It was... It was... It was... Goofy and, yeah, sex.

Now, what's this with... He had to beat you up. You like getting smacked around a little bit? Yeah, every girl does. A punch to the head? Not like a punch to the head, like MMA style, but a little, like, little slappy. Snacks. You need to the stomach.

I did. No, no. Whip your ass. Grab you by the neck and tell you to suck my dick, you dirty, filthy fucking animal. Every girl likes that, I think. And then take the dick out of your mouth. I hate you in the face and then shove it right back in your mouth like a savage. Joey, that's perfect.

That's what every girl likes. And your arms are to the side, like you're like Chinese chick that's, what they call them, when they put them in a fucking. When they're bound. No, they put them in the bottom of a trunk. What do they call them? What? Oh, he's talking about the sex slaves. They put their hands in trunks?

If they just put them in, you don't know what's going on. When they take the dick out of your mountain and hit you in the face for a time, they put it back in there. And you have your hands, that's tremendous, all that stuff. Okay, I don't know. I love all that shit. I do. I have a theory that every girl likes rough. Every girl likes it.

Bit slaps. Yeah. And call you a filthy ass. You want to be treated respectfully out, you know, in public. Guys pee on you? I let one guy one time. Absolutely. So you're the real deal.

But I really, like, loved him. We were, like, together. Sure, sure, I get it. But I'm not into that. I'm not into being peed on. At what point in the relationship did he bring up that he wanted to be in you? Actually, no, it's funny. I've realized with guys, it seems, I've only been in a couple relationships that around

the six-month point is when they start to tell you about, like, weird shit they're into, like, they finally are, like, they finally are, like, like, okay, I can tell this. Like that same guy, he asked if he could pee on me. He wanted to pee on me. And he also asked me to eat his butthole. All right. No one ever asked me.

He was like, but the way he asked, he was like, we were in bed one night. And he was like, um, so have you ever like lick the butthole before? And I was like, no, no, no, I haven't. I can't say I ever. It's not really my hobby in my wheelhouse. And then he was like, I just. I'm really kind of into that. And then I was like, okay, well, I don't mind, I don't mind, but like, we need to plan this out.

Like, I think maybe you have to shower immediately. You know what I mean? Before you even ask, you got to shower. Are you guys into that? I always wonder how many guys are into that. Listen, I don't go out looking for it. You don't look at my asshole. You know me?

I'm always available. I'm like Denny's. You don't shut down. Really? You know what, man? I got to be honest with you guys, at least I'm naive. I think when I was like 21 or 22, 21, somebody sucked my balls and gave me a hand job.

I thought it was tremendous. Yeah. And then... It sounds nice. And that's where it ended. When you snort coke, they would suck down there and suck your balls hard and shit. And sometimes you'd feel a tongue.

And, you know, like I said, guys, some of the shit I was just scared of or whatever. Fast forward to 1995, Boulder, Colorado. I meet this girl, boom, we're on the phone. Ba, ba, ba, ba. Month later, she shows up. We go camping, a little bit of sex that night, nothing serious. And next two days later, we go back to my apartment.

I'll never forget, she looked me straight in the face, and she goes, turn around. She looked you straight in the face and said, that's amazing. I go, what are you talking about? She goes, if you turn around, I'll eat your asshole and suck your ball sack from behind and jerk you off. And then when you come, I'll drop and you come on my. It was craziness. I had never heard that type of language. You were like, yes, yes, ma'am.

I looked this straight in the face and go, no, no, no, no. I knew when my asshole stunk, but she was a filthy animal anyway. It was like middle of the day. Like, it was after like a walking shit. Oh, hell no. I'm not going to let you eat my ass because then you'll never do it again. Ew. The reputation gets out there.

That smells kind of. What if she likes it? No, no. After a couple years. After a couple of years, I would make a little. I would make her eat my ass after doing a set at the complex. No, you would not. Oh, yes, I would.

She was crazy like you, yeah. Yeah, but I wouldn't even do that. Like, we would, we had a, we had a straight relationship, and then we had a drug relationship. Our straight relationship was we'd get to, high, smoke a joint, maybe have a glass of wine, and I'd fuck her and we'd go to bed. Our cocaine relationship, she opened up with a smack to the face. She hit you or you? No, I'd smack her on the face. grab her and put her right on my fucking nut sack.

And then I tip her underneath and make her eat my asshole from down below while she's jerking me off, then put my pipe in her mouth. So you do like it having your asshole. At that time, in that situation, yeah. She was the right time at the right girl. But not any time, not all the size. Before that, no. Before that no. Interesting.

That's interesting. That was what year? This all went down from 95 to about 99. I'm just crazy. I've had this theory that girls eating asshole is like a newer fan. I was 32. When I met her and she was 25. Wow.

And she was crazy. It was just crazy. I'm not crazy. You know what I'm saying? If you volunteer it, and that's what I'm saying. Like if you're doing coke with somebody, you know that person's eating asshole. If we got like an eight ball or half ounce of blow. That's just a give ass.

Yeah. It never crosses my mind to eat a guy's ass unless they ask. It never goes. I never think of it. But once you do them blow and you're stuck in my dick and I got dead dick, I'm like, okay, do me a favor. Lift a nut sack and massage that asshole with your tongue. You'll take a shot of that tequila and lick that asshole like a savage that you are. That's why I love you to death.

You don't give a fuck. You'll take that PBP hat off. You know what it is? I want to be the best at everything, including fucking. Including fucking. So like if I'm fucking a guy, this is my thing. I want to fuck them so good that after I'm gone for the rest of their life, they're like, fuck, I'm fuck like that again.

Like that's what I want. I want to be in the back of their mind. I want to be sealed in, burned in like a fucking prison tattoo. You're fucking great. Now what are you going to do when you meet your husband? The next one? No, the real one. The one that you're supposed to mind.

He's right around the film. I'm not really crazy. I mean, I'm right around. on the corner. You think? Yeah. Listen, I'm not, the truth is, the truth is, I'm really, I'm really not crazy. I'm just, I'm, I'm hypersexual. I like sex, but I don't fuck a lot of people. I think that's a big misconception. It's like, because I talk about stuff. What are you average a week? Two dudes. No, I swear to God, I, I counted up my number for my own podcast the other day. You know what I'm up to? It's not even that high. 17. For the year? Total ever. 17. That's it. Get the fuck out of it. I swear

God, I counted them because... How many things have you sucked? That I didn't have sex with? Yeah, you just... Not many. No, not many because, like, I'm that girl that, like, once we're making out. See, that's the thing. I don't make out with a lot of guys.

The number of guys I've made out with is probably not much higher. No, there's no reason to make out. Usually, if we start making out, in my mind, I'm like, okay, so date three, we fuck. Like, there's no guys I like test make out. There's no making out gay going on. It's turn around. No, I do make out for a few dates. I make out.

I mean, quickly, turn around. I want to hear your stories. Turn around. Drop those pants. I see that. No, I do make out for the first few dates. And then after that, what I'm saying is I don't make out with guys. I know I'm not going to fuck.

If I know in my mind, like, if we kiss and it's good, it's going to get there eventually. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't kiss guys unless I'm really. Kiss Lee right now. No. Stick your tongue on, Lee's. He's a girlfriend.

He's taken. Lee's taken. I'm not going to stick my tongue in leaving. Give Lee a kiss and I'll see his head turned red. No. You should have seen Lee's face when I said that. He had a semi-heart attack.

They were going to say he had a semi-heart on. I'm like, thank you. No, that too. It went up and then went right down. He thought about the consequences and shit. He's a married manly. He's practically married at this point. He's a married man.

He's a decent manly. Lee's a good guy. So are you? That's a thing. You're a good guy. See, I meet these great guys like you. And I think to myself, they're here. they're just and I know like I really do want to meet a good guy but I don't want to get married

I have no interest in getting married again what about it turned you off um nothing I'm not against marriage I just for me like I don't need it like I don't need the ring and the piece of paper like if I'm with someone if I meet a guy and I'm really that's why my number's low because when I meet a guy and I like him I kind of stop fucking other people not on purpose I just when I'm when I like someone I don't really look around for other guys. I know you're supposed to keep a little rotation. That's what I'm trying to get better at, trying to date a couple at once.

But it's hard because once I like one, I start to kind of ignore everyone else. I never really liked promiscuous chicks at a young age. I always avoided them. But now. Unless, no, no, no, unless it was mandatory. You know what I'm saying? No.

But I really did. I really did avoid them just because of a fear. A buddy of mine, I had to go into a clinic one time, and I saw a guy with a rash. And just, it was a combination, I think, it was my Catholicism and all that stuff, you know. I have some of that too. When I hooked up with that chick and I left New Jersey, like, I wasn't, I was 22 years old, and I knew what my mission was. And at the time, I really wasn't looking for a woman.

Like, it wasn't even in my itinerary. At 22, what was your mission? At 22, my it was to find what I loved, try to get back into college, and get my life together. Yeah. A woman was not even in the fucking horizon. See, that's kind of the opposite. I was like, that's how I am now. Like, when I was young, I thought, because I'm from Ohio, it was like, find a husband.

Find a man. Find a man. That was kind of it. now I feel like how you did them like I'm... But here's the crazy thing. Not that they weren't in the horizon because of that reason.

I'll tell you why the truth was because of what this girl had done to me. I was raised that, you know what? Kate, I'm an old school type of dude. So I'm like, you come fuck with me? You're going to fuck with me. Like I was watching that.

The other than I was watching the dumbest movie in the world. My wife, and I went out to dinner and we retired and she went into bed first with the baby and I stayed there and I was watching HBO and they had the Hector LeVau movie on. What movie? 30 for 30. No, no, no. It's a HBO

movie that they did. As a matter of fact, when I was shooting the longest yard, the wardrobe check gave me the script because she worked for Jennifer Lopez and she goes, read this and if you like a role in there, there was really nothing for me. But they shot this movie and they made it about Jennifer Lopez, but it was by the singer. And the first time he met her, he was on stage, and he found out

that it was her birthday. And he went to her house on her birthday. We're having a Puerto Rican party. It's 1970 in New York City and the Bronx. And it's just a regular Puerto Rican family on a Saturday night food, the neighbors, your girls from the hood. And he walks in there and dancing and he's a regular nerd. He's a regular nerd. to Levo. He's talking to the girl and finally the guy comes over, her brother, and he grabs her arm. And he goes, I have some friendly, brotherly advice for you. If you're going to fuck with her, you better fuck with her. Do you understand me? And it took me back for a second. I was like, that was always my mentality. I like that. If I take Kate and I bust her cherry and once she

sucks my dick and I eat a pussy, Kate belongs to me. Like, it was that type of mentality. Like, It was like you were my woman for life. That's how I was raised. I like that. That's how I was raised. To be honest to you, that was what I was led to belief. For life as long. No.

So when I got, let me tell you something, that down my fucking saddles. So when I hooked up with my first wife and that shit went down, I was done. I was on a Kate Quigley. I was on a seek and destroy pussy and ass. whole tour. You know, and that's when I started comedy. Yeah. And I took comedy for what it was.

You know, you go to a strange town. I have a boyfriend, but he works from 4 to 12. Well, he works from 4 to 6 in the morning, but I could get you a grandma Coke. Let's take a look. That's so crazy. And next thing you know, you're in the hotel. Next thing you know, with 69, and next thing you know, I'm coming in you.

And next thing, you know, you're out the door. And I'm sitting there with an 8 ball. And you've got to go home and tell your boyfriend, you hung out and watched the movie with me. It was sad. It was sad the different situations I was put into and the different lies I found out about life because I can't put it all on women.

I know what you mean. Yeah, I can't put it all on women. It's about men too. That's what's happening to me. That's what's happening to me now. I swear to God, I know this sounds so naive because I've been out here for 10 years,

but I've only been single for like four. And it's really taken me until this year, I still had that innocent, Midwestern, like wholesome mentality. Like people don't lie. Like no one's going to lie to fuck me. Like everybody's being honest.

Like I really, I know it sounds so stupid, but this is the first year I finally realize, like what's really going on. Like I dated a few guys in a row that I found out had either a girlfriend and a kid or a wife or another. Like I keep being the side chick. I am the side chick. I'm like the consummate side chick. But it never even occurs to me. Like this is the first time I ever, the other day a guy asked me out.

It's a true story. a football player. He used to, I won't give away who he is, but a football player, he asked me out on a date. We're flirting. We're like, DMing. And then, uh, I'm like, okay, we made plans to get a drink. And then my friend goes, you should Google him. Just make sure he doesn't have a girlfriend. I never Google people because I have like a rule about it because there's so much shit online that makes it, you can get to know someone without really getting to know them, you know, so I don't Google people. Finally, I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to Google this guy to make sure he's single. He's married.

He's married with kids and not only married, but he's on like a reality show about like married football players. Like he's publicly like super married. And I was just like, this is so sad that it's at a point in our society where you have to ask someone, are you single before you go out? Like if someone asks you out, it doesn't mean they're single. It's crazy. I'm 54 years old. I've been married for nine years. I've been one for 18 years.

Whatever we're going to do, we're going to do. You know what I'm saying? You stay together because you love. somebody or whatever. It's nice in your mind. Lee and I were having a tremendous conversation. Once we came on the show, and I don't know how he came up,

we were talking about sugar datties. We're talking about all that shit. And I was messing around with Lee one day on the phone, and we were both giggling about, Lee, this is how you would do it. You know, like O.J. killed his wife. It's the same thing. I go, you could either go out and cheat on your wife,

and every time you've seen. throw spaghetti against the wall, it's going to stick eventually. Or you can go to Kate and go Kate? Can I talk to you on the side for a second? I love you, Kate. I've always had a crush on you. I know you want to smack me in the face. I'm Mary, listen.

I'm an attorney. I print money. Right. What if? Whatever. What if I leased you? G.S.L. 360. Yeah.

I'm just making up names and numbers here, guys. What if I put you on Walshielder Boulevard, private Van Laine? But here's the catch. I come over one night a month, and I like your pussy. I'm fine. I know girls that do that. Listen.

Yeah. And I was telling Lee about this, and Lee goes, you know, I never really thought. I go, Lee, you put them up in Vegas, you know, a state away from your family. If you have that type of money, the only way you're, listen, you have to think about this professional football player. You have to think about how sad this is. How sad our society is that you got three days. different things here that a girl would show up and suck his dick. He's a professional football.

For sure. I'm sure that's what he thought. Number two, that a guy in that position would risk everything. Right. That's what I thought. He doesn't even know who you want. You could be some chick that says, come in me. I'm protected. That's what I thought.

You shoot to loading. Or how lucky is he? You fucking set him up for 40,000 a month child support and ruin his life anyway. You've got to think about these people. Not even just that. And how we make our own. fucking graves at the best time of our lives. This is when you're the most vulnerable.

See, people think that when you were doing what I was doing, like when I was a kid and I was robbing, that's when you got to watch your back. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the easy shit. It's when you start becoming successful. Yep. And all of a sudden, your wife is more interested in a kid

and her television set and her fucking game of backgammon. And all of someone, one night, you go, You know, my receptionist is looking good. And she was telling me about dumping the boyfriend and then she's broke and she needs a new car. Ha, ha, ha. Nobody knows I got a PayPal account. That's busting at the seams.

Wait before a young woman, I get her in her envelope. You know, and you just lived that life. It's crazy, though, man. You tell your wife you're going to play golf, Lee. And twice a month, you got on your little Southwest flight. You even bring the kids and wave at him. where are you going yeah i'm being better early you go to Vegas you go right to your woman's house you pick up a portable phone with a non-tracer so even if they're looking for Pablo they can't find

you by mistake you what I don't get about that is why have a whole side girl side relationship that you're paying for instead of just if all that's if what you really want is just to fuck other people and you have money why not hire like high-class escorts somewhere along the line is going to leak and they're 800 apart oh this is what you're just to fuck other people and you have money why not hire like high-class escorts Oh, this is cheaper? I guess in the long run. Yeah, it's 800, 900, a thousand a pop, a tip, and you're still liable that they might say something.

That's what's crazy, man. It's just, I always said when I was married, if I got to a point where I was going to cheat, I would just leave them. And now there's so many people, there's so many people I know who are in open relationships. Like, I couldn't do an open relationship, but I would be open to an occasional threesome.

With another girl. Yeah. So, I mean, like, but there's, I have, friends that are in open relationships where they let their guy occasionally hook up with someone else and it doesn't bother them. So why, why be in a relationship where you're not getting what you want? Like if you're married to someone and what you really want is to fuck a bunch of other people, why not just be single? In my world, I don't want to see nobody else's pussy. I don't want to see nobody else's penis. What's Tony Bennett, Texas?

Especially no one else's penis. I like that. Aw. Shit. I feel sober. Fuck it. I want to be around. How was that weed? I like it.

It's good. You can take that home with you. That's good weed. It's a teema. I don't know how to do it. I don't have them. You don't want to do nothing. Here we are.

You never know how to do nothing. I don't want to grab it. I don't know how to grab it. Grab the fucking thing like a flute. There's no more of it. It's still in there? There's whatever you want. This is kind of a fucked up song, by the way.

I was listening to it today. Tony Bennett's like throwing shit down. Yeah, throw shit down. That's Kate. Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company. Wait and see. I mean, I want to be around.

To see how he does it When he breaks your heart Two bits Oh shit No There's a part of you that sometimes You want to try that I never liked the idea

I never liked the concept I'm with you, you're with me Anything else It can't happen I like that It can't happen Yeah it can't happen

You know that's a great idea but somewhere along the line some is gonna get fucked up here those people who do threesomes all the time if you look at the percentages and they're really honest somewhere one night you freak out or one night I freak out

one night I'm giving a little bit more attention to this brunette and one night you're sucking this guy's dick like it's the first dick you ever sucked in your life and your husband sees that and you see me it's all listen all that kinky shit just Listen, if you're doing it, I applaud you and it's making it work for you.

I just did never work for me. I'm too uptight. I'm very sorry. I'm just afraid that that's the only way to keep someone forever. And, you know, listen, man, but here's the thing. Here's the thing. A relationship is just like fucking life, okay? I might leave here tonight on the way out.

The people in the front thing leave that curtain open. And in there, there's two kilos of coke and $60,000 cash. and I kicked the door, and I take that shit, and I sell the Coke, and I got $120K. But then six months, something's going to happen in my life that I'm going to pay that $120K. Something's going to happen. I'm going to get busted with the Coke,

and I've got $100,000 bail, or my attorney wants $100,000. And at the end of it all, I'm going to end up making like $2,000 for what I did. You pay for everything in life. True. You're in a relationship. You're happy.

Every woman's always happy. Every guy's always happy. So that one ex who beat you and stole your car And stole your mother's fucking value in prescription And, you know, took your brother's gun He calls you. And also it fucks with your head for a week. And it fucks with your head

And here you are with a guy or a girl That you're fucking genuinely happy with. Yeah. They maybe have one handicap. He doesn't drink and he snores or his feet smell. But genuinely, you really want to marry this guy or this girl. But that dumb horse, or that dumb ass always calls you up after eight months

and fucks up your head. You're right. And you go over there and you suck his dick or you eat a pussy. And at the end of it all, bro, two things happened. Either the thing that happened in Boomerang, which is why I love boomerang and what happens in real life. Or you make the jump and you switch governments.

When you know what, when you cheat on somebody to get somebody, that's never going to work down the road. You can't do it because then it's in their mind all the time. It's in both of your minds. So at that point, you have to decide, you know what, this made me realize how much I love that person. You don't go home, you don't write yourself out. You just don't do it again.

Did I tell you what happened with the one threesome that I had? I had a threesome. I've only had one threesome, and it wasn't my relationship. I was like the guest star in this other couple, right? And they're a friend of mine. So I'm friends with both of them, but closer to the girl. And basically the girl is like, hey, we always wanted to have a threesome. and, you know, he's super into you.

So we did it. And then wouldn't you know afterwards, the guy starts hitting me up on the side all the time and telling me like how he just wants to hook up with me by himself and stuff. And then I didn't know what to do because I'm like, do I tell my girlfriend because we're friends, but I don't want to ruin their relationship because they have a good thing going, at least I thought.

So I kind of learned a lesson, which is to never, ever have a threason with your friends. Like never. All that time with the guy with the whole. hotel and they came out here. He left her. Oh, I told you about that. Yeah. I didn't do it. I didn't do it then because they came out here and they got a hotel room near the Long Beach Laugh Factory like hoping I would do it. But I said I couldn't do it like an order in pizza. Like it had to be organic. Like we get drinks and if it happens, it happens. But then the next time I was in Vegas, we end up doing it. It was so fun.

It was so fun. Oh, no. I told you about it. Oh, I told you about it in Phoenix. But I didn't tell you on here. You didn't go back. time. So you did it only once. Oh, wait. Well, two nights, but in one trip. Right, right. So twice. So you got together two nights and the same trip. It was so fun. And then he wanted

to leave her for that fucking little dirty bat down there. That's basically, well, that's what happened. Basically, yeah. Yeah. And she was calling your crying, you shouldn't have sucked this dick that good. He hasn't stopped talking about you. The fuck you think happens. I don't know, but I mean, why would you, this chick is hot as fuck.

She's cool. She's funny. Why would you leave a girl that has all these things and is letting you have threesomes? And I even said to this dude, I go, just so you know, I go, she's way cooler than me. Because if you were with me, you wouldn't be fucking other girls. Like, that wouldn't be happening. Oh, no, you'd be gone in a month or a half because he'd fuck one of the Jen or one of your girlfriends. These people are savages. See, they're savages.

Probably. And I grew up with savages, man. I think about this girl I grew up with that played the field. And until this day, I always think about it. We were tight. We haven't spoken in 30 years because her world changed completely. But I remember talking to her when she was 23 and 24. I remember having the world.

She really thought she had the world by the balls. Maybe she didn't. No, she didn't. She was dating a dude that was married. Oh, awful. And their relationship was, well, he was going to leave her for her. And she was a love guy. The guy had money, and he would pick her up.

He'd take her for two-day cruises and Atlantic City. And the guy, bro, I tell you what, I grew up with the guy. He was dynamite. He was dynamite. He was dynamite. I loved him. And every time I hung out with him, there was always an adventure. He'd knock somebody out, or he'd do 90 and a 20, and get three tickets.

And, you know what? They used to disappear. They used to get, that was the beginning of blow. And they would get big bags and disappear for four days, and the mother'd be calling. and his father would be looking for him. And I left. By that time, I left.

I hadn't seen her since 85. But in 87, him and her, did an all-nighter. They were driving home. Drunk driving, they crashed into an old couple. Oh, shit. And killed a couple. Oh, no.

They let her go, and he had to do the time. But guess what? She was pregnant. So they moved her down to Florida. Nobody's ever seen anybody again. No way. Nobody was allowed to. to see anybody again.

That was born. Damn. That's scary, man. Why you don't party and drive? But I still remember she was a knockout. She knew what she was doing. And what she was doing was, she was also fucking two best friends. Yep.

See? Karma. It's karma. It's karma. Shit always comes back. Listen, man. Always comes back. As soon as you do something, you open yourself for that person to do it to you.

And then you're involved in a relationship where you get busted. you apologize, you promise you never do it. But in the meantime, where were you that night? Why didn't you come home? Oh, I was mad at you. So I fuck Cynthia. Cynthia, the girl you, you know, and all of a sudden now, you got one up on him, he got one up on you.

So now who's going to fuck who first. Yeah. So now you start sneaking around and he starts sneaking around. And you know what, man? Also, it's exhausting. It's just. It's exhausting. Living a lie is so, I can't stand lying.

Like, I would rather, I have said this so many times. Like there was a guy that I was into, right? And I told him he was a friend of a comic we know. I was like, hey, hook me up with your boy. And he gave him my number. We started texting. And we're supposed to hang out a couple times. And he kept blowing me off.

So finally, I go, what's your deal? You got a girlfriend? Why do you keep canceling? Guys don't cancel when they have plans with a chick. And he was like, I'll be really honest. I don't want to date you. I don't want to date anyone. I'm focused on my career.

I just am looking for girls that are hot, that are cool, that just want to hook up. No guy was ever that blunt to me before, ever. You know, usually guys lie to you and tell you whatever you want to hear to fuck you. When he said that, it was the first time of my life. I sat back and went, huh, all right, so I can like use this super hot guy for sex. I mean, maybe we'll have good sex, maybe not. So I said to him, let's have one drink, see if we have chemistry. If we do, you can come home with me.

If we don't call it a day. And then after that, we don't have to date. We can just see what this is. I swear to God, Joey, it was the most amazing booty call. I had him as a booty call for like three or four months. I still will hit him up every once while to this day if I'm not hooking up with anybody. And it's amazing because he was honest. Like he was just honest up front.

When people are honest, you can get so much further. If he had lied to me and stuff, I'd probably be sitting here like thinking he's one of those fucking douchebag guys. Honesty gets you late. That's a moral of the story. Honesty has gotten. And I didn't know about honesty in a relationship. I thought you had to act like a fucking asshole and try to be cool and I had a friend that was really good looking He was very a mama's boy. He was very polite, but when he got a couple of drinks of him

He would get down the basics for women and it was beautiful like he'd be super honest you mean A little too honest. Oh is he mean in In 1982 81 I saw him work wonders with women Oh And he got away with it because he was just super good looking but it was the way his delivery yeah it's not the looks because there's lots of hot guys that are not you a drink talk to you for a little while the attitude and then very fucking in a stupid stinky that's what he's the call him stinky he's my brother we don't talk we

haven't talked in 20 years he would ask you in the side of the way like what's the story am i next with he or one no like he would say that's so balzy it kind of works I had a guy say to me one time like it was the third night we hung out we hadn't had sex and a but and we were with a bunch of friends and he paid for everyone and he wasn't a rich guy but he paid for like everybody's tab which is a turn on as a girl when you pull that card the girl goes oh shit this guy doesn't mind spending money on me he's cool to my friends like it's like panty dropper right so then he's walking me back to my car and i really couldn't fuck him that night because i had a super early morning and i i had to work and i couldn't take him home with me.

But I said to him, I go, I can't believe you pay for all my friends. You didn't have to do that. And he goes, it's all going to be worth it when I get that pussy. And I will. And I was like, you should come home with me. And then I took him home that just because he said that. Like, I was fully not planning. I was like, I got to get sleep.

I got to be responsible. And then he said that. And then I took him home. It's confidence. I'll be sure. No, no. I totally all the time. Go up to him, look him in the eye.

and hit them right between the eyes, even hit them a little bit harder. So they freeze in their fucking panties. But don't be a fuck boy. That's my whole thing. No, no, no, no. Don't lie to, like, my things just don't lie to women because there are enough girls out there now like me. I'm a little damage.

I kind of do want a relationship, but I think on the inside, I really don't. So I date. I'm a little damaged. I'm a little damaged, yeah. But I think on the inside, I want a good guy, I want a relationship. But I'm scared. So I date guys that I know won't commit or that all hurt me just because I'm afraid of something real. So like I have a best friend who we'd probably have great sex and I think he's hot and we're best friends, but I won't date him because I'm scared.

It might be like a real thing and that freaks me out. So I keep dating fuck boys. But here's the thing. I'm just saying look for a girl like me that's messed up that doesn't need you to commit. Don't look for a girl. There's a lot of girls that want a guy. They like want a relationship. But every guy wants a girl to come up.

admit apple one or another oh maybe just not me yeah that's that fucking crazy every guy would you know always look at you and go okay this might be the one she's hot she's this but guys always dismiss you over one thing maybe it's something that reminds me of their mother one thing like jerry it's like the jerry Seinfeld thing like there's just one little thing if you tell a guy the truth like let me tell you what happened in college I had this threesome with this big black guy and this guy named Abdullah, he ain't calling you back. You know what I'm saying? Like if he's like if he's Lee, I think I've given away too much. If Lee's from Boston and you told Lee that in college

and Lee was thinking about marrying you, he would go home short-circuited right there. This is why I'm going to be single forever because guys, no, because guys meet me and then they find out what I do. And then the first thing they do is hop on the internet and Google and then up pops the church of what's happening now. Me talking about eating guys' buttholes and getting peed on in the shower. They know all that stuff. No, they don't. They pee on your face or just your teeth?

No. Ew. I would not let a guy pee on my face. Well, where'd he pee? Like chest down. Perfect. Yeah. It's nice night.

It wasn't that bad. It smells like vinegar. It cleans everything. It was only one time, though. Like, I wouldn't make it a habit because if it's, it was like splashing on my neck. What were you thinking, well, this is going on? Honestly, I was thinking this has to be rock bottom. That has.

I was saying. Like, it can't get worse, you know, but it did get worse. That was actually the first guy dated after my ex-husband. The first relationship, pee on you guy. Lee, how are you feeling over that way? I'm okay. I'm wondering how long it lasted after the pee. Did it get like? The relationship? Yeah. A while, like six more months. Oh, no, once you pee on something, they're in for sure. That's like an engagement way. That's an engagement way. Let me tell you something. I only not one chick that liked pee on that. It was crazy. She liked it? Yeah, she liked it.

Oh, why? I never really asked. I was fucked up on drugs. Excuse me. What is it about urine that turns you on? She used to want to have sex with you and then wait around for you to pee, that first load of pee. She said that it turned around. Wait around.

It was disgusting. It was in Boulder, Colorado. It was disgusting. She was disgusting. Do you pee on her at the end? Oh, yeah. 10 minutes later. In the shower?

No, I'd just drag him into the shower and just pee on the chest and her face and the mouth. I think women are probably a little bit more forward. Did she ask you to do this like the first date or like the second day? The first date. It was a creepy relationship. It was a creepy fucking relationship. I don't know what kind of women Lee is going out with. We used to buy coke at the same place.

You and her? Yeah. I thought you met me and you. No, this girl used to go over there and buy Coke in Boulder. This started in 19, maybe 86. He was like always my last hookup. Because he lived on the other side of Boulder where I ran. So I knew her from them, and I bump into her at bars.

Is that how you met her? Did you pass her buying drugs? No, I passed her in this house. The guy had a really nice house. Got it. She was a nurse. She had like a cute. boyfriend at the time, but when I'd see her, she'd stop and talk to me, and I don't, she'd

told me, just tell the boyfriend you know me from Pearls or something. And we'd talk and the boyfriend came home and he'd shake my hand. This went out for a few years. I got married, I still saw her every two months. Well, guess what? Her and the boyfriend broke out, right? So she was really cute. She was a nurse, but she always had the nurse outfit on, but she covered those tithes and she used to run like 18 miles a day her ass was tired. And I'm looking at it. She's a dirty white chick just how I like

them. She was a granola chick like her armpits probably stunk and shit. I used to walk in front of my condos and bold and I used to drive out of there and I'd see her walking and after about a few months when they had pulled up. I'm like, what are you doing? I forgot what the fuck her name was.

She's like, great to see you. Oh, I go down to that house. I go across street to take the bus. I go, oh, shit. We start talking. She goes, I live up there in those apartments right across the street, 3F, whatever the fuck it was. So, she just lived over there.

I'm married. I got a kid. I ain't bothering nobody. In those days, I was in and out of the halfway house. I never even thought of it like that. One day, my wife leaves. And I'm in that apartment by myself. One night, you know what I got a little package.

And I fucking do a few lines. And I'm like, who the fuck? Can I call for a piece of ass? Wow. And I go, oh my God, the girl across the street. And I went across the street, went up to her door. I fucking couldn't do it. I went over.

She had like a sliding glass of the car. And she was just sitting on the couch with her street clothes, watching TV by herself. I couldn't do it. Really? I couldn't do it. It took me like two weeks. I tried to get a number from the drug dealer.

He wouldn't go for it. He wouldn't fucking go for it. Well, I thought you meant you couldn't do it. it because like you felt bad to do it you mean you actually i couldn't just knock on her fucking door i was raised you got to call a motherfucker you know what i'm saying really yeah at that time but you were married right i was we were just separated oh you were separated we were separated oh my god i was a little heartbroken but still i wanted a piece of ass and you wouldn't just knock on her door and ask no wow and then one night that's really more personal than a phone call that one then i got hammered

and i stayed by my balcony and i saw her get out of her door and she had like like a dog and she went to walk him and I ran downstairs and I may believe like I was going to the liquor store and she's like joy what are you doing like I'm going to liquor so am I we walked over to the liquor store and we both got like booze and she goes what are you going to do I'm going to go home come over to my place got you it was over because she was like a drunk that would give it up you know the drunks I mean you know what's funny is like back then neighbors would knock on your door sometimes for things. But imagine now if someone showed up,

like if someone just showed up in my apartment and knocked on my door, like a guy that I knew was interested in me but didn't live in my building or something, I would freak the fuck out. Yeah. That happened to me. Did I tell you that? No, sure it happens to you. That's not normal. I don't think that happened. It's not supposed to happen,

but people don't know the fucking rules sometimes. Yeah, I had a guy show up. This was actually super creepy. I had a rat party for my Playboy Channel show. A guy showed up there. And he was like, hey, Kate, live in your building. And I was like, oh, that's weird. I've never seen you before. He's like, yeah, I happened to be at the pool and I saw the party. I thought I'd stop by. It was at like the W hotel pool. So I was like, oh, nice to meet you, you know. Say hi in the building sometime.

Then the next couple days, I kept running into him in my building, like in a laundry room, in the garage. And I was like, oh, hey, man, so weird. I never saw you. And now of a sudden I'm seeing him all the time. And then the next night, I get knock on my door. It's three o'clock in the morning, it's this guy. And he's like, hey, I just need to talk to you. And he looks strung out, right? And I didn't open the door. I was like, hey, man, I'm in bed. You should take off. And he was like, I got to talk to you.

It's really important. And I was like, listen, I'm going to call the cops if you don't leave. Like, you're freaking me out. So he leaves. I never see him again. It turns out he hasn't lived in my building. He was just like some creeper. Yeah, no. How scary is that? Dog, I don't suggest nobody to open up a fucking door. Unless I got your number. I call you like a gentleman and go,

okay, I've got to come over. Yeah. I've talked about something. I got an itch in my heart. An itch in my heart? And then I would be like, hang on while I puke once. You know what I'm saying? Like it's just, I can't imagine people coming over here.

So I didn't. But that night with the dog, I went up there and I talked to her. I think we made out. And she was like, okay, you could knock whenever you want. Damn. Because I told this. I came up to one night, but I was kind of embarrassed. And I went up there one night,

and looked in the curtain. There she was, like, an lingerie, like, half drunk. She had been waiting for me. Half drunk. Like, since eight, it's like 12 o'clock at night. And I knocked on the door. And I remember going in there, and we swapped bed. And we went out of for a little while.

And after the whole thing, it was over. She goes, wait, wait. Did you come on my stomach? I'm like, she goes, when you pee, I want you to pee on me. And I'm like, what? I was fucked up. When you pee? And I go, where, we're, where,

would you like me to do? She goes in the shower. Hurry up. Did she want it on her face? Everywhere. And then she would shower right. I wish you could call. We could call her. I wish you still had her number. I want to know what. I don't want to have her number. If somebody lets you pee on them, I want those people gone from your life next day. Hey, I let my boyfriend be on me. Yeah, but if you still talk to him, you're fucking moog d'all. Do you know you said something to me on this podcast that I took

with me to my soul? You said, if you let a guy fuck you in the butt, he'll never take you to dinner again. And I let a guy. I do that only one and I told you about it on here he never took me to dinner again and then it ended never once a guy fucks in the ass you so don't let guys do it ever basically no no no I didn't say that let them invest a little bit let them give you love let them buy you some stuff maybe like an anniversary present guys that's all that listen when when 1979 the year my mother died all I wanted to be was a purple belt you know what I'm saying that's all I want to be is a purple belt the point of the story is some guys just want to fucking the ass and to do the loop that's the point of that

story i like that you somehow managed to loop in the year your mom died with getting fucking in the ass all i want to be is a purple belt and that's all i want to be was a purple belt do you ever cry at jiu jitzu today i almost cried how really no not cry like that like cry no i cried at yoga today because you got emotions of the deep and see your soul i know and when you start stretching instead of blood flowing yeah you get all this shit that comes out of you it's like quitting coke and going and sweating. It was embarrassing as fuck. And then I started thinking about maybe there's a better workout where I won't cry ever.

Well, sometimes doing certain things brings a certain emotion out in you. I don't know how to describe it like this time. Last night, my wife was watching something. It was the tribute to the Bee Gees. Oh. All right. She was just growing. She was waiting for the walking dead, whatever the fuck she was she watches on Sunday nights.

To make my point, she was watching this thing with the BGs and shit. And I'm hearing that staying alive music and all that from that album. When I sit down and I'm watching this, and Travolta goes up there with his fucking plastic surgery and shit. And he goes, you know what? You know, like this, and I'm looking at him, like, ready to laugh at them, and I'm about to put the music down, like these people trying to say. And I was like, oh, what a second.

They're honoring the BGs. Yeah. And number two, this guy, Travolta, who was this creepy, as fuck said something that he said somebody this is a new generation i still remember getting five of my boys chipping in getting a nickel bag getting a bottle of blackberry brandy and maybe six wine coolers and drinking this smoking this and going to see saturday fever in the movie theater and i got to tell you something cake quickly i'm sitting there with my wife and all of a sudden just sitting there tears started to flow out of my eyes my nose I couldn't breathe because my nose got congested

because that music all of a sudden had struck a chord it's music I saw myself in the seventh grade walking up the hill to catch the bus I saw myself walking out of there dancing like we were dance after the like with John Travolta my brother knew John Travolta he he loads trucks over yeah Everybody always knows somebody in Jersey. It took me back there. And I got emotional. I didn't know. I didn't even stretch.

I was just sit there. It was the music today, too, though. Something. Something that hits you. Yeah, this music came on. It's just like, it's so easy, man, like certain songs. They do. They take you right back.

It reminded me, you know what it was? It was some song that took me back to being a kid. The year my parents got divorced, my mom taking me to a dance class. And then this is a. is so dumb, but my mom used to take us to dance class. She was single. And then like one day a week, we would go to Pizza Hut and we would get to put money in the jukebox. And that was like the highlight of my week, every week. And so my mom took me there and we would put money in the jukebox and play this song. It was this Whitney Houston song. And then it came on today.

And I started crying because I started thinking about my brother and sister and being little, my parents divorced. And like, it's crazy. I still can cry over my parents' divorce. I still think it's my fault in my 30s. You know it would be fucking amazing If that happened if you walked into a pizza hut And you smelled that pizza Every time I smell pizza I just start crying

It's weird how your memory works That probably would happen I get soft at different times And I go Jesus Why did that happen? Like I'll think of it was in like the other day We were talking about Stayed with the Heaven

With Rogan and all these people And I was telling them why I thought Stead where the Heaven They couldn't overturn it And say that they could have rubbed You know why? You know what was the main? Like, I said it the other day, there was an anthem for so many people.

But most importantly, you know how many people I know personally that died and that album was put in their casket? No way. For real? That was played at their funeral. Wow. Oh, my God. If you died after that song came out and you were like young, that's the song that came

on at your funeral. Like, that's how cheesy it got. It became the number one requested song. At funerals. No. in the fucking world. That was the number one most requested song or something for 10 or 15 years. Wow.

Something just unbelievable. How many people requested that song on radio stations? That's why they could never overturn that. How many people buried a loved one with Zeppelin IV in the fucking cast me? It's pretty amazing. Are you kidding me? I guarantee for, like I said, for a fact, I know two people. I'm going to get buried with your comedy album in my cast.

No, don't do this. Don't feel that shit. That's a kiss of death. Literally. You know. You got a moment cut open a chicken and shit. You're putting the fucking kiss of death on the way. Lisa, how you feel on the back?

See, Lisa? You said you trained this weekend. The bomb got you with the one, two. Right. And then the fucking transmission fluid with the two stars, which is really nuts. How you feel? How you wait? Two, how many?

What's in the transmission floor? 200. 200. So you ate two? Two, two, that's four. And how many stars? Three. That's a thousand.

You can do that in your sleep. That's true. But you see from switching it up how the tolerance changes, it's a different T-8C. The other one, this one's made with transmission fluid, the other one's made with hash. See, because if not, he wouldn't get high. He's hired and fuck. I can tell. I thought he was a sleep person.

You know how he is. He's half a fucking. What did I do? What is this? I want some. You'll take whatever you want. Well, I just met. in life, like I got to buy this.

This was great. What, this little bomb? It woke me up like Adderall. This is the mule of death. Oh, this is the weed of death. This is called the weed of death. Oh, yeah, you said it's blue cookies? Blue cookies.

It's a setiva, whatever the fuck thing. I got to get into weed. I really do. You know, I think it would help my anxiety. I think it would be good for, I have a lot of issues. I get, I get two in my head. I overthink you. Your mind runs away with you, which is going to be bad.

And good. I know. But it's funny because my wife came in excited to it. And she's like, listen, there's some lady who had a baby. And then she had menopause depression and this and that. So they gave a Zoloft and this, that, this, and that. And all of a sudden she started smoking weed. Now she writes a blog, the potty mommy or something like that.

Potty mommy? Something. She's from Studio City or something. She goes, you got to read her stuff. So I'm going to check it out. My wife has the name at the house. I kind of want to go and like have, I've heard that you can go and they'll like tell them what's wrong with you and they'll tell you what kind of weed to buy for your issue. You don't have to do that. I can already see what kind of weed is.

You need this in the morning. As soon as you wake up, after you drink your coffee, you drink coffee. Yeah. A little cup of coffee, you get balanced out. You wash yourself. You wash your hair. You get all dialed up. Then you do two.

One little bonnet. Just one. Just one. out the window, exhale, all the bad energy that you were thinking about in the shower, whoever you hate that day, whoever you don't want to see. No hate. Take them out of your life with that exhale. And the first 30 minutes, 40 minutes of your day, they'll be the most creative time you'll ever have in your life.

You'll love it so much that you'll make time for that creative domain. I believe it. As in, you have a call at 9, you'll cancel your spotting late before because you got up at 5. Because you fell in love with a part of the day that you didn't know existed. And guess what? There's only one person who lives there. You. Oh, my God, it's the spookiest fucking thing.

Listen, when you wake up at 4.30, but you set the timer for your coffee for 4.15. And you get up. You get up at 4.15? When I, for me to, when I first started this process, which is writing a blog no matter what on Monday mornings. Yeah. on MySpace. When this started, I knew I was dead.

I knew how to do something. So worst case scenario, I know plenty of comedy writers that it just got awful. Yeah. I knew I could write. So on Mondays, I started writing a blog,

and I would force myself. On Mondays, I would write it, but I would start preparing it the day afterward in a notebook. Oh, wow. Oh, week. So how I did it was, I'd get up at 4.30

and drink a little bit of coffee I'd smoke a bung hit I'd make notes and then I'd walk across the street at 5 a.m. and walk into the YMCA with my mind on fire okay

this is the shit and that would you work out I don't drop this on a lot of people listen to them yeah but you're getting ahead of the game oh oh shit where's the lighter I'm not ahead I'm so into this at 5 in the morning when your mind is on us a teacher

or maybe two or three bonkets, too many that you were supposed to do. Yeah. And that sativa actually makes you 400 pounds. Get up, put flip-flops on, put a bathing suit on, put a hood and sweatshirt on with a t-shirt.

And I would go across the street, I would fucking hang up my jacket, I would have a towel, and the first thing I would do is I would go in the steam room and throw some eucalyptus in that motherfucker. And they'd say, don't put the hose on the thermometer, listen to me. I would bury the hose under the cold water.

I would make that room go down to 3,000 fucking degrees. You could cook a turkey in there, and I'd put the eucalyptus in there, and it would open me to fuck up all that phlegm and all that fucking malukia you have in your lungs. You just start spitting it out by the chunks, and it would pull the top core of your skin out, all those little minerals that when you go to hit and out burger, and when you eat somebody's ass, they'll have sodium in their pussy or something.

And then I would jump, listen to what I would do. I would take that same hose, put it all over me and go into the sauna. And I would go back and forth with that sativa mind on fire, just trying to remember the jokes and the thoughts. And then after I do that for about 20 minutes,

I'd run out into the pool, the heated pool. And I'd do laps for like 40 minutes. I'd come in, I'd do a steam, another sauna, I'd wash my pussy, and I'd walk back. My wife wouldn't get up to eight those days. So I get back around six I gave me two hours By myself after exercise to write

You're a young girl You can pull this off I'm an old man I can't get a heart attacks Happened between six and four I am Did you take naps? Sometimes But you could get up at four

And go till your spot at night And stay up And so you're like I would take a nap You're right I would take a nap I was gonna say that I'd be so tired

To go on a half nap Yeah But I would do that Five days a week Just to prepare myself to write to give my, I read one of those books about like Spielberg or somebody and they said to give yourself a window and I go, what a better window to force myself to do two things I hate to do. Exercise and write.

You know, honestly, working out makes me so creative. I always write the most jokes right after my work or during. Like if I go for a hike, I hike alone a lot. Like I like to write on my hikes. While I'm hiking, I just, you see shit that inspires you. Yeah, I really do. a weird world when you have to like for years I went on the road and didn't do anything healthy now I go on the road and I'm healthier on the road than when I am at home because there's no raisins

covered with yoga in my fucking closet now I got pretzels at the fucking house covered with yoga I told my wife stop buying those fucking things I come in at midnight I'm fucking starving it sounds weird but like I read an article a few years ago uh interview with Kevin Hart and he was talking about how

fitness is so important for stand-up. Unbelievable. Yeah. And he was like, I train for it like as if I was an athlete. Because your minds- Yeah. Because your mind's got to be sharp. And for your mind to be sharp, your body's got to be sharp.

And I mean, it's not about like how you look, but just like being physically healthy is so huge. You know, for years, I did stand-up and I was a mess. And part of my mess was that I wasn't working out. I was telling my wife today that my wife and I were talking about a shirt we found. before we left, before we got married, we lived on Schrader Street. It was a Schrader, Schrader. And there was a closet we had with old t-shirts.

And one night she goes, what are we going to do with these clothes? And this was back in my fucking cigarette, cocaine, reefer, whatever you had, I did. And she pulled out, Lee, come out of your coma, she pulled out this white shirt, like a white t-shirt, long sleeve. You should have seen what the armpits look like.

Oh, God. They look like coffee filters. Oh, no. From what I was sweating through my body. But you know why? Because I wasn't sweating. When you don't sweat and you release that shit, it builds up. I didn't know.

Listen, guys, that I know this at fucking 30? No. But I know now I'm addicted to sweat. I am too. Like instead of cocaine, I transfer that. Like, now when I go on the road, when I get my whatever sheet, when they send me the sheet the night before, First thing I do, first thing I fucking do is I look at the hotel.

And I look to see what type of weights they have. I can't swim anymore. But now these hotels have great gyms. How come you can't swim? Because the water in my ear. I got to go back to the duck on Wednesday at 3. Because I love swimming. I love it too, especially at those hotels, especially Friday.

It's empty. You swim Friday and then Saturday you lift weights and do the elliptical. Yeah, I love it. So you put together a great little fucking workout. You know, when I go away now, That's the first thing I plan Because I know by 3 o'clock I'll get up

I'll take a nap I'll watch Gangland I'll eat breakfast I'll do radio But at 3 o'clock you get a certain age And it's the weirdest age You almost can't wake up right Until you do it

Your brain's like cloud So you get your fucking iPod You go down to the gym You stretch You do the bicycle for 10, 15 minutes You do push-ups, sit-ups And then I would just lift weights I'd do a cycle

and then fucking do the elliptical for 40, and I would walk out of there shaking. But I already knew what I was going to eat. I already knew that when I got upstairs, I already had a protein shake in my room from CVS Plus. I was going to call the front bar and tell them to throw a salmon steak for me with a salad, with blue cheese dressing.

I go in the shower, I wash my pussy, so I don't have to waste time at the front bar. I go downstairs, my salmon's ready. I eat. I go up. No, no, no. I still got an hour. right now. So when I'm digesting in the room smoking the vapor pen, eat nicotine gum like a

motherfucker getting ready for the 745 pickup. You understand me? You're digesting, you're thinking, you're resting, you're living like fucking Theodore, you know what I'm saying? It's the best. It really is. I can't. And also my day is planned to the ultimate on the road. Your days are always planning on the road. People come to me on the road. They want to do this. They want to do that. Listen, you're in no danger of doing. nothing. Right. I'm going to give you the window I got two or three hours to do press. After that, I don't give a fuck of people coming out. You know, also though, like, and clearly I'm no kind of psychologist or anything like that, but I get really super fucking depressed. And for

a while, I thought, like, maybe I should get on something for depression. And for me, when I work out, it's insane. I go out. That's why I hike, because the sun, a little vitamin D is, listen, I tell Lee all the time. People got tested here in California, did a survey, and everybody was low on vitamin D living in California. Which is crazy because we have so much sun. Every day. Go outside. Five, ten minutes.

I go, there's days I get up going, oh my God, I can't wait to go to Jiu-Jitsu. And I go outside and I go, I want to be inside. I'm going to put my boxing gloves on. I'm going to hit the bag behind the house. Oh, that's so fun. I'm going to jump some rope. I'm going to do some kettlebells.

I'll do some fucking back things that they taught you tactical fitness. I'll do the ruck. I'll do a push-up, sit-ups. I'll do hip escapes on the grass. That's why I got, if you look at my legs, I got, I got scratches and shit. It's so fun. I basically do it to get the sweat,

to make the sun, suntane you with your own personal sweat. It gives you a different type of color. It gives you different type of color. It's not like putting it. I don't know about that. I'm telling you. You think you get a different shade of tan?

You go outside at 1130 and you do a body weight exercise with a dumbbell, okay, for 40 minutes and let your body really get drenched. I want to come over and hit the bag. I would do that. Smell the first layer of sweat that comes out of your body and the thickness of it. It's a little on the thicker side.

It's just very, I mean, you really can't prove it, but you can't. Because after that, you feel the next stuff that's coming out. When you feel that, and you, instead of drying off in between swings or curls or whatever the fuck you're doing, you just let it go. You sit out in the sun, and you let that sun bake that a day or two later, look at your face. You're going to go, wow, what did I do? It's the water treatment. No, it's the way that the sweat, because it was natural.

It wasn't like, you can't put sun tan powder under here and shit. Sun tan powder? What are you talking about? It was on your eyelids. Fucking natural sweat. The way it absorbs the sun is the best feeling in the world. You better tan. It's a better tan.

It is the best feeling. I totally agree. I totally agree. Cuban people. I got no sun tan lotion. Look at them. Look at them. Look at them.

Gorgeous. No, not about golden. gorgeous, the skin color. Yeah. They live off their sweat. I can't go outside on the sun. You're a real fucking sack of shit. You can do whatever you want.

You're Jewish. You get the world by the balls. And Jewish, they got Arab people. They got mountain. They got desert Jews. They got black Jews. Did we tell you I hit him up to go hiking? I invited him to come hiking with me.

I'm going to make you go out. And he was like, what did you write me back? You said, just so you know, I do want to get in shape, but I hate working out and I hate walking. Is that what he said to you? Oh, yeah. He hates walking. And I was like, well, there's not really, that's not really a way for you to get in shape. If you can't walk, we're going to have a problem.

I saw a thing on Instagram of they're still doing the shaker things. And I think it's for, like, jiu-jitsu people, but I was hoping it was real. What shaker? That shake weights? No, like, when they put the band around you and you're standing on, like, a machine that shakes you up and down. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but you still have to stand for that. So, I can stand for that.

How long does it take? You stand on it, and it vibrates. But, like, you're supposed to do other exercises with that. You don't just stand on a vibrating machine. I don't think that's the way. vibrating machine. You stand there and they put a belt around you? There's a thing at the gym that you... In the 1950s?

It vibrates and it's supposed to make you like engage all your muscles to balance so you tone up and burn extra calories just standing on it. I forget what it's called. It's something plate or something. I don't know. You okay? Ooh, that edible got to me, though. Oh, shit.

I feel great. I have my first ever sativa. I do a lot of first son here. I wonder what else I could do for the first son. time on here. Wait for the show's over. Hey, Tarzan,

500 milligrams, and I feel good. You did 500. When did you do 500? Time before. Oh, who do you think you're dealing with? You're an amateur to lose. There's Uncle Joey here.

Well, I'm proud of you. How did it feel on doing it for 40 days? I feel high. Not like the world's going to end. That's good. That's always a good feeling. Sure. Don't think the world is ending.

Listen, man, man, there was a couple of nights. That scares in the seat. I'm not going to lie to nobody. Two thousand miles. Listen, sometimes you get fucked up at the house. You forget there in your system. Last time I was here,

I was freaking the fuck out. Where are you? What did you? What did you eat last time? Mushrooms, but I never did them. Well, here's what you want to do to do that? I brought nothing. I brought tequila.

Forget about the tequila. No, last time. And then I did an edible. It says free hugs. You got free hugs. And then I did it. You got to drink tequila. We got a half a Cosby pill.

What are you going to do? No, I don't know. But last time I did weed. I did an edible, a Death Star thing, and tequila and mushrooms. No, this is good. I like this stuff. That's yours. That's your own personal fatigue.

We've got a pipe for you. But I'm saying last time I was here, every time I would start a sentence, it was so weird. By the time I would get to the end of the sentence, I wouldn't remember the beginning. So I kept feeling like maybe I was starting stories and ending different stories. I was so fucked up. So, that was the only time ever. and I went home that night alone and I swear to God

I got on my phone I started like texting every guy I've slept with ever like come over I'm on mushrooms and no one would come over I just wanted to I heard sex on mushrooms is amazing so I wouldn't try it did you try it? What? Sex on mushrooms?

I had a hard Those drugs never really for me that didn't work to have sex I didn't do mushrooms but I moved to Colorado And the two or three times I did mushroom, I didn't really want to be with anybody because I had diarrhea. On some people, the chemical imbalance gives you the squirts.

Oh, wow. I don't want to have rotten ass when you're trying to fuck and suck and eat mushroom ass. You know what I'm saying? It's bad, though. Yeah, it sounds pretty awful. And you eat mushroom ass and it smells like shit in the room. So no. Hey, when that happens.

Yeah. I was a Coke. I've never had that problem. I was a Coke pill, booze. sex type of motherfucker. Talk for a little while. Talk some shit. You know what I'm saying?

What are you doing? Sure. What are your parents doing? Can you really? No shit. Kate, let me ask you something. You can take the shirt off? You know, just looking good.

Yeah. And after a couple more lines, you take the shirt off. The pants come on. You just fuck around for a little while. You dance. You put on. You dance. Naked.

No, I'm naked. What are you thinking I'm a savage? I'm just like standing there just like swinging your dick around. No, no, no. No, I'm a professional. I'll let you dance for a little while with the heels on and the little underwear. The girl dances for you. I just sit there watch.

I don't do that. A guy would run away screaming. No, you're very clumsy. I'm very sensual. No, no, no, no. I'm sensual, but when I try to dance in heels, I follow. You don't have to dance, Kay. You don't have to dance. Do you know that I had a fan hit up some, there's some website where you can order

private videos of, like, people that you're really into. And this guy hit them up and was like, I want a private video of Kate. just doing something sexy. I know she isn't too nudity, whatever. So I don't do nudity. So they called me and were like, what are you down to do? This guy doesn't pay a lot of money? And I was like, well, my friend is a stripper. Why doesn't she give me a lesson in lap dancing?

So she can teach me how to give a lap dance. When I tell you, it was the most fucking awful, terrible lap dancing. I couldn't even walk from the, I couldn't walk from the wall to the chair without stumbling. I'm talking about you with an elegant dress. with some slits on the side no panties on no top on

just the smell of seduction with heels on suntan legs ACDC ACDC uh ACDC put it on night prowler

see a lot of women want to shake their tits and they want to shake their ass and show you their fucking pussy if you can't dance to this song this song is the toughest dance a woman can dance, but she really doesn't have to dance.

It's all in her hips and how she attacks you with this fucking jam. I want to hear it. I'm going to listen to it real fast. I don't want to keep the people. You never heard this in the strip club. When this come on, all the clumsy girls leave. But the bitches who know how to pay money, they got to freeze right there.

You got to freeze and just move your little hips. You don't have to take nothing off. Here you go, Kate. You just drop nothing, motherfucker right there. That's easy. Yeah, you pull your skirt up a little bit. The bush covers out a little bit. And that's what it's.

Just a bush through the skirt. Is it the 70s? Whatever. You have to have a bush to fucking seduce it. Listen, I'm starting a company where you can glue a bush on like a toupee. Shut the fuck up. No, you're not. I've patented already.

No, you're not. Me and this Jew named Greenstein. He's a genius. You're selling toupee. For the pussy, just in case you want to switch government. You can freak out where you're with. Please tell me this is real. I swear to God, me and this guy would.

Oh, my God. You fucking got a pattern. What does it stick on with? It sticks on with it. You only have three hours for it to stick on. Sure. Let's say you bring the guy home. You go, let me go check myself out.

You go see what your pussy smells like. It's like a weave for your vagina. No. And there's little strips like a picture of Hitler, a picture of Charles Manson, a thing that says love. And they don't know. How's it going to stay on when you're fucking?

Because it's dry. When you come out, they go, ugh. And then we have the original bush, the OG bush, that sticks on with no gel. You come out, you have that on your pussy. I have a question. What? Do you have an extension that goes into the butthole? Not yet.

No, nobody wants that. Well, some people like, well, listen, guys like. Butthole hair. No, no, no. Not butthole hair to be wild and tropical. What we wanted to be is trimmed and, like, the asshole has, like, flowers coming out of it. No. Like, and it's just very much.

flowers like baby's breast when I was young I saw a girl who trimmed their ass home it was perfect oh my god no I used to lick it yeah it was tremendous it was tremendous wait a second but here's what I'm picturing so you get with somebody and you start fucking and whatever it is that's holding this on is not gonna hold when you're you know well no no no it's an illusion so then when it comes off isn't the you come out and go well baby what do you like you're the hairy monkey a shade monkey

and he'll go, I like it, shade, and you go, too bad. And you pull that skirt up, and it's a fucking swamp of hair. And he'll tell you, well, what are you going to do? And you'll rip it off in front of him. And throw this fucking face like a fucking, you're unleashing a superhero. That's a concert. That's what the wig companies call, superhero. Oh, my God.

Superhero person hair. I think that's great. You shave. Dick hair, too? Yeah. Okay. You can make a lot of money with hipsters doing like. I like the dick hair idea.

What the fuck you think you're dealing with? You think I'm paying attention here? You think I'm hanging out. What about chest hair also? You don't need some of that shit. For the men? No, you don't need chest hair. I'm still developing the asshole hair because I'm trying to find, like, dead Chinese people.

They'll donate their hair because that's the only thing that works for anal hair. It's so. Very fine. Let me get some shoutouts here. How did dead people donate things? Because before they die, they say, donate my fucking asshole. You can only have Asian hair. I want to give a shout out.

My sorrows to Mr. 252, HBI to Zizzle 252. He's going through a thing with his family. Our prayers go to his family, Jordan Campbell, Lewis, Jaime Rodriguez, Cody, 1980. My tweets will, my tweets kill fascist,

David Sharp, Sonny Erickson with the fucking Swedes. I love you. And the stand-up fan fellow. Chris L. And my main man, Berger, I hope your daughter's doing better. You know, I love you,

motherfuckers to death. So what's next from my girl? So you got the agency now. Yeah. You told them you want to do action movies. Well, they just asked me, like, what would be your ultimate, like, if you were going to shoot a movie,

what would you want to do? And I said, like, an action comedy, like, ride along with chicks. Like, something where I get to, like, beat people up and do stunts. Fuck that. You know what you want? You want to pull your hair back.

You want to wear that little vest, tame it down a little bit. But show them the titty's make believe there's something even bigger than what there is under those guns. Get on T&T and T. Get on TNT and do one of those Rosoli and Arnold's type show for six years. Nobody gets their feelings hurt. Everybody loves you. It's comedy, drama, but it's funny also.

That'd be fun. That'd be fun. That's what you want to get involved. It's action. You still chase drug dealers, you beat up guys. You know the damn. You know, I mean, I have fun doing everything. That's the thing is that people always ask, like, if I want to host, if I want to act.

I have fun doing all of this. So like anything I get is fun. But what else? I'm working on this fuck boy patrol show. So if you're dealing with a fuck boy, hit me up. I want to do this. We're doing this. Now, what is the definition of a fuck boy?

Basically. Uncle Joey knows the terminology is here. There's a few definitions in the urban dictionary. But basically it's just a guy that is only interested in fucking, but he'll lie to you to fuck you. And he's like, he pretends to care, but he's shallow. Like that's every guy No it's not

Listen every guy wants to fuck you And finger bang you It's not every guy And tell him your dreams No And you break down You tell them I want to have children With you

My father's name is Edgar You know And the next thing you know You're together Because you had a nervous breakdown Now we love each other It's like what we were talking about earlier Where we were talking about

How like guys that are fucking around On a bunch of girls But none of the girls know It's just genuinely like guys That are shit Like not real men Like guys that are just fucking around being fuck boys That's it

So the show is like cops meets cheaters kind of You date a lot of fuck boys I've dated some Not on purpose And it's kind of sexy for a while It's so in your mind That's the problem You know somebody who's doing something

And you don't mind you're in the back of your mind You're like I'm gonna win them over You know my pussy's the best My dick is the best There's a guy I hooked up with We kind of dated But really it was just Well this happens to me a lot

Where I think I'm dating someone but we're really just having sex. So we were kind of dating. And long story short, the sex was so fucking good. I was so blind to everything else. We finally quit seeing each other. And then he hit me back up not too long ago to hook up. And I'm not dating anyone or fucking anyone.

So I was like, sure, let's do it. We get together and we have the best sex, right? And then I'm hitting him up a few days later because I want to hook up again. And he was like, I'm busy. And I was like, it's been, I was like, it's been a week. I was just like, fuck me already. Like, when are you free? And he wrote back,

hey, just because I gave you some amazing dick, don't get an attitude with me. That's what he wrote me back. And all I thought is, that's the whole thing with fuckboys is that it's just like these guys that realize that the tables are kind of turned out here. Like, a great dick is hard to find.

And they know. And he knows. And he knows I'm not hooking up with a lot of guys. He knows me. So he knows, like, in this scenario, like, you know, guys always say pussy has the power. In this scenario, the dick has the power. That's like basically a fuckboy is a guy who realizes that the dick has the power.

So you're this man that he has the power? Sometimes the man has, if a guy is really good and bad, I hate to admit it, but he does have a lot of power because that's very hard to find. Like, I can tell you're good in bed. No, I'm not. I can tell. No, you don't. I come in a minute.

I come in a minute. Always. But I can tell that you threw it down because you talk about choking girl. Oh, yeah. You got a fucking, you know. It wasn't my growing up doing, but when I met the stripper, she used to make me give her a beating before sex, a good beating. But that's what I'm saying. So, like, that's what makes a guy good in bed.

It's not about how fast he comes. It's about the attitude. It's about that, like, being a man. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? Re-kicking you and dragging you across the floor before I eat your pussy is okay once if we're fucked up on drugs. Have you consent to it? okay. I remember one time

she went to Vegas or something. And she came back on a Monday and she goes, I didn't cheat on you. I went to Vegas and I had out with my girls. At that point I didn't give a fuck. I'll never forget I just pulled her by her hair and threw into these tables. Like there was this bar stools and I just took

because that's what she wanted. You just made me reevaluate my whole dating life because you said it's okay once if we're fucked up on drugs and I'm like, what? That's what I expect in all my relationship. Like I expect that all the time. When a guy doesn't fuck me like that, I think...

How can I come over your house on a Wednesday and hit you with a shot to the mouth and tell me to suck my dick, you filthy an animal? I don't mean, like, show up in the middle of the day out of the blue and do it. Although, if we're dating, that's cool. No, if it's a Friday night, we get a couple of fucking sleeping pills. Yeah. We get some heroin and shit. You're right.

And we tie you up a little bit and we fuck you're good. You know the deal. I don't mean in the middle of the day, like you pop by for lunch and start slapsing. me dip your fucking nutsack Who's we by the way? Why is there two people No I'm just saying I'm just saying Me and the camera or Lee in the camera The camera? Yeah

You dip your nutsack in your mouth And do you ever tape your sex capades? Never never That's disgusting Not even for yourself to watch No Huh I wouldn't have the heart to do something like that

To yourself? To nobody What myself What I mean you could do with your wife No Oh, no. Do guys still jerk off to their wives ever? I'm asking Lee, like he knows. I always wondered that, like, once you're with a girl, if you ever think about her.

Because when I... I always turn the conversation to sex on this show. I need to change that. No, no, this is where you are. You like doing this shit. You love the lifestyle. I only wish that, you know, you got a steady boyfriend and he cleans up your little pussy act and took a recover. Joey.

A guy used to one dick for four or five years, then you marry him. I love one dick. And then pray to God that a sex tape don't come out of you or this guy. There's no sex tape. You never know what these creeper people. But there's... The porno guy must have cameras in his house. You know what I'm saying?

You got to assume as soon as he goes in, he sneezes, and that's the coach for the cameras to turn on. And there you are. I love you. I want this to be a relationship. No, no. And also you get a hit show on ABC and all of some, this pops up. You know what I am?

So be careful. You know, I love you. that and that shit does happen in this town. I don't trust nothing in this town. You have a point. I don't trust the fucking thing in this town. There's these things that people do

in this town. They go to these fucking massage places. If you go to these massage places, they all got fucking cameras. You think? I know for a fact. In the room? I ask a friend of mine that goes to them

often if there's a mirror in this room. And he goes, there's a mirror in all the rooms. Oh, of course. Oh, you know, fuck what you say. Lee. You know what? I may be a fucking asshole. Maybe I'm not a fucking asshole.

So you think they're recording everyone just in case they catch somebody famous or something? Somebody rubs up a girl. Maybe the tape's not playing. Maybe it's not a bad idea for a business to open a massage parlor and put a camera in there. But the thing is, it's illegal to tape someone without their consent. And when I actually... When they're doing in fucking Vegas? You can in Vegas.

But in Vegas, there's even some rule. You have to have one party's consent if you're filming two or something. Listen, in Vegas, make sure, just, I've told Lee this a thousand times. In Vegas, you've got to assume they're taping you while you're in the shower. No way. No way. You have to assume. You have to assume.

Then I would never shower the whole time. You have to assume these things came in. No, you don't. Yes, you do. That they're taping you in the shower. You have to look at every situation anymore. 2017. Then I could never shower.

I didn't say that. No, but then they would have naked tape for me. I didn't say that. I said, always assume that they could be watching Young Las Vegas. They're not fucking, they don't have 18 million in the basement and not be watching what's in their fucking building at all times. I remember getting coked up in those rooms and thinking to myself, like, are they watching me?

Is any time somebody got a knock on the door? And nobody ever did. I was wrong. But just in case. now with what's going on in this country and shit, I would assume they're taping you everywhere. I guess you, I guess, I guess, listen, I don't see no polls out here with cameras.

So unless Lee planned to the mouse in here for the Israeli army or something, we should be good. But you always have to assume in today's world. It's creepy. That somebody's listen. When you're on the phone. Well, who did I read? Bill Gates always keeps a piece of tape over his webcam on his laptop because he thinks people are watching.

Always. You have to assume that you are wacky, You're going off giggling like an asshole. And somebody in Russia's thrown darts at your head. Going, look at this fucking babushka. All right. I'm going to think about that next time I'm going to show. I did live with a guy when I first moved to L.A.

That I was positive. It had cameras everywhere in that. Yeah. Everywhere. It's something that's big now. It's big. It's easy to do. It's fucking super simple.

So easy to hide them. It's super fucking simple. True. You get these guys in a douchebag. They tweet, what they call that game where you go on there? And you scroll No, you scroll When the fuck that

What's that app, Lee? That you scroll If you want pussy You go yes Tinder? Tinder You know, you meet somebody What's that game where if you hit

Yeah, whatever the fuck Tinder And if you hit why Everyone meet somebody And I meet me at the railroad station Tinder is a dating app Whatever the fuck it is You know what I'm saying?

You trust everybody on there? Fuck no, I would never invite someone over Do you know what I do on there? Did I ever tell you what I do on Tinder? What are you doing on Tinder? I go on Tinder and I go on Tinder. bored. I just do this when I'm bored. Surprised me. I go on Tinder

and I message guys and I pretend I just want like an easy hookup but then I act as crazy as I can on purpose and I try to get the guys to block me. Like I try to see how much crazy guys will put up with if they're super horny and they want to fuck and I write them all kinds of like dumb shit.

Like I wrote to a guy and I was like this is a true story. I wrote to a guy and I said that I really wanted to have I was mad at my boyfriend because he cheated on me and I really wanted to have sex in his car and this guy is a cop and he wrote back oh you know what I'm a cop and I actually know how to break into cars and I was like okay well he works at a high school so I want to do it during the day and I want to get in the car have sex and then I want to take Polaroids and leave the photos

in the car and the guy was like great what high school what time should I meet this guy did not care he was willing to lose his job to fuck and then I was like and also I want you to poop in the car I want you to take a crap on the passenger seat and leave it there for him and he was like okay that might be a problem sometimes I have trouble pooping in public I was like I'll bring

you diuretics I just kept adding more and more shit onto the equation and you just kept saying it and I have this guy's photo off of this app off of Tinder and he has his police outfit on so like his police badge everything is there that's how bad guys on Tinder just want to fuck

they will say They will, I literally have told guys I'm an axe murderer. I told a guy that I needed to have sex. I just got out of prison. And they're like, cool, what time? Where do you live? I told a guy that I only fuck with rattlesnakes in my bed. Now, where you are on Tinder, as soon as you open the app,

these are people that are local to you? Yes. Within how many minutes? You can set the mileage for whatever you want. What did you say to that? Like 20 miles. That's 25 minutes with or without traffic. Right.

You ain't fucking around, are you? I don't really fuck them. I've never met a guy of Tinder. I just do it to fuck with them for fun. One of these days, when these guys are going to choke you to death. He's going to see him a little asshole. He's going to see that face and that smile. Now it kind of happens.

You got to get it together. You know what I'm saying? They're going to fuck you. You're playing with the devil on that side. They don't fuck around. When they realize it's a joke, then I give them tickets to a show. What joke? They ain't no fucking joke.

When they go crazy, you've said movie, what's the strip club with black people that came out? with Ice Cube and Strip quad Remember? Oh my God It came out like a 99 The club Players Club I've never seen it

You've never seen the Players Club I'm gonna write it down This is what I'm talking about Lisa At least I had Have you seen the play No I would have he He watches his parks and rackin When you did it come out

What year did it come out? 99 2000 I'm sorry I was 11 I wasn't watching the Players Club It was like a Chris Tucker type movie about strippers and yeah the girl that moves in with who else Academy

Award one what's the comedian the black kid that did the movie with Tom Cruise and the cab driver Jamie Fox is in it it's a good lineup Jamie Fox Ice Cube you gotta watch it yeah you know I'm gonna give you a

Bernie Mac Bernie Mac was running down Howard Michael Clark Duncan Wow phase on love Lisa Ray McCoy the players called them The players motherfucking club. John Amos. I can't have you.

Oh, there. I'm not. Charles is going to arrest. The guy from a household and flow, the little black dude, it's fucking off the chain, Jack. I'm not going to end up in the players.

It's going to be fine. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you to be healthy. Lee, what's going on with you today? How are you feeling? You relating to the fucking stars or what?

I'm feeling I'm feeling fucked up, but I'm not. I'm okay. I'm being backed up, but I'm okay. That's my dog over there. He's getting ready. He's coming up to 11. Lively live.

When is the old man come in? Don't, don't. When is he coming? Wednesday? Uh-huh. Beautiful. Perfect. We picked the old man up.

We got a bag of fucking stars from. You're there Wednesday to Sunday? No, I'm doing Tuesday. Wednesday, we've got to prep the old man and get him ready for Thursday. Oh, wow. I just can't throw him to the wolves on Thursday. Only an animal would do something like that to his father. And don't take him to lizard meat places.

Take him to the cactus. Turn them out to some good tacos. Stop buckling around with him. I don't bring him to a lizard meat place. Somebody got him sick last time. You got him to sick. I didn't get him sick. I only gave him stars of debt and love.

That's all I ever give him. That's all he wants. That is all you give out. That's all he wants. He wants love and stars of debt to fall. He don't care about anything else. You're excited? How long is he staying for the way?

He's leaving Monday morning. You drive him? with your Uber. I'll probably have to Uber Monday morning. Why? What are you doing with your life? Because I have work I do. What kind of work do you do on Monday morning?

They have work I do. I usually put up a podcast. This one or another one? A different one. Lee's a man of many podcasts. Damn. Look at you. Lee's a man of many podcasts. I should have Lee help me.

I want to do another podcast about pooping. Did I tell you about it? Sounds like a hit. I swear to God, Nicole, Amy, Streiber and I, We want to do a podcast called The Poop Cat. Look at Lee. Crack the funnies and shit. I know. Look at that shit. We're going to do a show.

It's going to be called The Poopcast. And it's just going to be... Lee has an idea of what's going to work and what's not going to work. Lee's going to be the first... Dude. I dare you to call Lee. You'll never got a call back. Don't you think that it would be so funny to have a different guest every week tell a story about

pooping their pants? And that's the whole show? Just 10 minutes? Not really. Who's going to be your sponsor? Toil the toilet paper? Yeah. I mean, who the fuck is...

Squatty potty. No, we need to have respectable people, you know what I'm saying? Who wouldn't tell that story? You probably have a great shit in your pants story. I'll bet you've shit your pants at least twice. About ten times. See? Yeah, but I don't want to tell the stories to people. You don't?

Nobody wants to hear that shit that's civilized. It's funny. No. Who could sit there and talk about this shit? Yeah, we just talked about girls getting peed on. Well, that's completely different. That's sexual. Me taking the shit.

In somebody's backyard, it's four-in-law. But where the kid's swing is, is not a... That's the story I want to hear why... Me taking a shit in the shower. It's not a good thing. Ew. Yeah. That's not shitting your bans in the shower.

Why did you shit in the shower? Because it's the quickest hole. It's the same pipe. No one shits in the shower. If you're lazy, you just open up that way. You do, too? I haven't in a while. I was shitting it, especially where I'm in a hotel,

and they got like a big hole. But what if it's not? Or sometimes I'll take the thing on. and I'll pop and let that shit go right down that tube. I'll push you in there with my finger. No, you don't. Yes, I do. Oh, my God.

Is that what you want to hear? So you hear white people stories. I was right down the street and my sweatpants and I went to Starbucks and no, you want to hear about shit? I got shit stories. Putting it down your fucking toilet with your toe. Yeah, your toe. That's what I don't know. I remember shit in the tub and picking it up and thrown in the toilet for six feet away.

be changing my mind. All right then. Then what's wrong with you? I'm a professional. Is that what you want to fucking hear? No, I mean, I guess it's kind of funny. But that was funny. I want you to start a podcast for people who are very sincere about their first heartbreak.

If they start fucking around, you're going to tell them I'm throwing you off the show. I want people to come in and talk about their first heartbreak and how that heartbreak has affected you even now today. That's interesting. It really is interesting. I thought last week, a couple weeks ago. So there was a woman on the podcast and I talked about a story

that I wanted to apologize to a girl that I took her virginity and then told I couldn't date her anymore because she told me a story that her fucking mother was dead. I left there at that age, I never heard that. At the age of 15, nobody ever told me

that I never meant nobody who didn't have a mother. Yeah. So when you told me you didn't have a mother the first time, I didn't want to fuck you no more. Really? I was done. I went to basketball camp.

I started dating a different girl. three months later when I found my mother dead I thought about that girl so till this day you know what I'm saying like I have a really weird connection with the girl That's interesting Yeah it's always bothered me

Like things like that Thing is how do you know your first heartbreak Like I mean because Everybody knows their first heartbreak Unless they're fucking retarded No but I mean like Because there were guys that I thought broke my heart But then there's one that like definitely

Super broke it Here's the thing There's times you date people and at the time you break up, you think he broke your heart. Right. It's maybe two or three down the line that really break your heart.

Yeah. From heartbreak, you learn about heartbreak, but you also learn how to get yourself out of heartbreak. This is so true. And those are the fun stories, you know. So true. Like texting them from 45 phone numbers.

I mean, I didn't get, I told you that in 85, I said, I'm done with all this. First of all, I had gone through 29 fucking pounds of Coke. in four months, and I had gone through 30 women. And every story I remember, Kate Quigley is one filthy than the other.

But I enjoy Craig Quigley what it was going on yet. But till today, there's times I'm sitting there going, I wonder what the fuck happens that girl. What she thinks happened today. Yeah. Like we're both 50, we're both 21 at the time. Yeah. But it was just filth.

It was just plain filth. Like, I was just, you know, I always believed in, like, say we swapped spit, I sucked your titties, I fingered you, I fucked you, I ate your pussy, and that was that I came in your stomach. This was like, you know, this is the first time you met this person, they're in your hotel room, they're naked an hour later, you're doing blow, your finger them, and next thing you know, it gets hot and nasty for four hours. Shit that, like Dice says, you wouldn't do to a farm animal. And all of a sudden you pass out from the clueludes and you wake up next to that person, you're like,

She's a piece of ass, but I can't have it around. If she sucked my balls for two hours straight, I can't, you know. It's one of those disgusting things. That shit never happens to me on the road. I guess it's different for guys. This is not on the road. Oh, it's not on the road. This is when you're young.

This was in 1984 when I was kind of homeless, and I was just going out to bars. I would show up a lot. Kind of homeless? Kind of homeless. You think you're not good in bed? You're fucking homeless getting girls to fuck you? No, no.

It wasn't the coping. Do you know how hard? It's hard to get laid homeless? Listen, you go to a bar. Listen, it wasn't hard in those days to go to a bar. I would get an eight ball and I would save a gram for after 3 a.m. And I would sell a gram to make money for the bar and you'd walk in there at 1 o'clock and you just broke up with your boyfriend.

But I know you like to do Coke. Yeah. And we start talking. And I don't know what are you going to do? I would play innocent. That's true. What are you going to do? I don't know.

Where do you live? Do you live close by? No, no. I was only at a hotel room and I was like, why, what happened to where you live? They're painting. I would make up a story. They're painting, so they gave me money

to get a hotel room, was going to tick nut. No way. We come to my place. You know, I have vodka over there and gin. Oh, my God, you're going down, you know. It was just a night of fill. Very, very seldom that I leave those nights without something. Wow.

Like you always left with a blowjob, or they fingered themselves in front of you. There was always some point of disgust. there was always, in that time frame, there was always one point of disgust. I went on like a four weekend tear in a row with four attractive women that would never look at me in any other situation of their life. And I made them do things that were totally utterly fucking disgusting. For this day, I say a prayer for all of them. Every day.

You like candles for them in church? It was terrible. And then after I got cleaned up, I met a girl in Cresco, New Jersey, who was a sweet flower of a girl? And she didn't do drugs. And we would just cook up and drink a beer. And then I started messing with no sex. No sex. Wow.

I didn't get laid for a long time for like eight months. Oh, yeah. We talked about that. And then I got on a plane, and that was it. I don't know how girls can just like make out. and hook up a little bit and not have sex. Like once I get turned on, it's really hard for me to stay down. Oh, my God.

I don't have much of a second, third base area. I'm the first base to home run chick. She was a dirty white chick that was the stewardess on People's Express. And we were talking on the plane. We kept talking. And I knew this chick was dirty. And I threw a bait at her. I said, let me answer something.

What if we went to when we get in Denver, we get a piece? And she goes, what are you talking about? And they go, maybe we've got an eight ball. And she goes, what are you talking? I go, if I get an eight ball, let's go back to a hotel, and let me eat your pussy. And she looked at me and she was like, okay. And she goes, meet me by luggage.

And we went by luggage. We walked out there like we knew each other. And we took a cab to like a hotel. There was no cocaine. She kept passing me with the whole cocaine. You never got it? Fuck, no. I took it to the bar.

I didn't even drink. That's how strong my game was. I didn't even drink. Shut up. I was eight months without a piece of pussy. I had been striking out three fucking times on Fridays and Saturday. I thought I was going mental. I thought there was something wrong with me.

I was lifting weights. I was running. I was in shape. I had a gold chain. I had bracelets and shit. A gold chain. That's what happened. Yeah.

No, no, no. I wasn't getting dick. And all of a sudden I got this fucking stewardess from Ohio or somewhere back in the room with a hairy pussy. Just giving me everything she's got. And I thought I go, who the fuck. And she ripped it off. No, that's what I was hoping. Who the fuck would have thought that after all that time,

I would meet a girl on a fucking plane and have sex. And then I got, she left and I left. I took a bus to Boulder. And so I'm walking the street of Boulder. I met another girl. And that night we didn't have sex. But two days later, we had sex. It's like you open the floodgates.

It's like I could not get arrested for eight months. And all of a sudden I had two women I was talking to on the phone. That's kind of how it goes, I think. That's how it is for me. Like I really the last like three months have not dated or talk to anyone. And then all of a sudden there's like a bunch. I could see you come. I can see you're going to meet a nice guy.

But you're going to be a pain in the ass. You want to fuck the male strip? No, I don't. No, I don't. I really don't. I'm done with that. You know, I'm dumb with that. It's so weird how.

I was listening to a rat the other day. I was listening to Ozzy's Bone Yard with Jim Norton. And he was playing one of those rat zones. I kept remembering how he referenced the sex, how important it was. And for a while, I always knew I was shitty as sex. So I wouldn't hit on women for that. I would always go, I'm not going to head on them, just because I don't want to go through that fucking nightmare again.

I would feel uncomfortable and fucking, I didn't have much off or unless I get really dirty with you and some women didn't like when you got really dirty with them it was fucking crazy it was tough to it's not good cake coigley it's not good i can't believe that yeah it's crazy it's fucking my i'm in my head about it like i go there to get hypnotized when was that because when my heart beats a lot what happened when was that that you felt that way i think it started in 1985 oh wow i was about 22 when that first when that really went to before that

I was having sex but kid sex yeah six minutes seven minutes that's kids that's kids that's eight minutes I was eating a little bit of pussy

yeah if you sucked it you sucked it if you didn't I was fine with it in those days I didn't want you to go against your basic rules oh my god I was one of those but it's like anything else

once you come in a woman's mouth that's all you want to do you're like I'm coming and everybody's fucking fucking I don't like it. Yeah. Well, guess what?

Papa's in town. Would you even date a girl, honestly? Like, now you're married. But, like, I met a girl when I was just in Texas who was like, you know what? I don't blow guys. She said, I just don't. It doesn't matter who he is. It doesn't matter how much I like him.

I don't do that. And when they ask me, I just say, I don't do that. And I go, who dates you? Like, I can't imagine any guy being cool with that. Eventually, they got a suck dick. Right? Eventually, yeah. Every man likes that dick sucked on paper.

day, you know, something. On paid day. Every Friday. Five Thursday. And you know what's sad? A lot of guys in the beginning of a relationship will say that's fine. If I love you, I love you.

But guess what? Those guys are going to bother you when you're going through pregnancy. They're going to ask you for a blowjob. And now you've got to call that bluff. You told me you were fine with it. That was before you got knocked out. Now, well, go help yourself with your hand. No, no, no, no.

Tell them from the beginning. I like my dick. sucked eight different ways. The least way I like is with an ice cube in your mouth. Everything else I don't give a fuck. Put an ice cube in your mouth. Suck my nuts, I can put whipped cream on my dick and take it for

dessert. That's the kind of dick suck and I'm looking for a good American and at the end I just blow a fucking hole in your throat with two or three ounces of fucking sperm juice. That'll cripple your fucking jugular for three hours. Jesus Christ. You don't know what are you having in your mouth, whether it's a martini,

you don't know what's in your throat. Oh my God. Oh, ice in your mouth? That sounds awful. You never suck the dick with ice in your mouth? No. Oh, my gosh. A little piece of ice cube?

Uh-uh. You suck the guy's balls? No. Come on, Kate. Don't tell me the next time you bring those guys over. Absolutely. Pop that little ice cube. I used to pop the ice in your pussy, take it out and pop it in my mouth.

Yeah, I've had guys do it to me. I've never done it to a guy. Did you go crazy when they took the ice cube out of your snacks and threw it in their mouth like a fucking lozinger? I like some ice cube. Yeah, I like all that shit. I did it to this little white Christian girl from Kansas. I was fingering her in the ice machine room. She was like a little waitress and shit.

I just started kind of... The ice machine room. I'm all coked up. I'm all coked up and valiant up. This poor girls on the up and up. She had like a Bahama mama. And then we started... I love this girl.

We started swat up and spit it's like maybe on a second date. She's hammond. I'm hamming on the pills and the blow. I'm fingering it. And it was right next to the ice. machine I pulled away from the ice machine. I took her hand to ice cubes and I stuck him up a pussy. She just looked at me like she was a Christian. She played the organ at the church. I whipped that ice out and I put it in my mouth and I made a swap spit with me.

I could feel her knees shivering. You understand me? She didn't know what it hit her. Damn. This ain't college. Damn. And her dad owned the hotel so he gave her the hotel. She had any room she wanted to in there but she had a roommate, a Chinese girl. A Korean girl. And? Uh-uh. Uh-huh. So I fell in love with this girl.

We were going there while she was roommates and gave me little hand jobs and little sideblood. She were working up with both? She was just a college girl. No. Me and this girl fell in love. I really loved her. But the Korean girl was banging. And I knew.

I knew she was the devil and car. him. In my heart, I never thought about it. I can be honest with you. I had just gotten divorced. You're such a good guy. No, because you know what, man, I could lie to you and tell you, yeah, I looked at her a couple times and said, I'd love to fuck

this shit out of her butt. Yeah. At the same time, I had just gotten divorced. Yeah. I was trying to be, you know, so now, but hold on. This story changes. Of course. Six months later, we're at a party at a wedding, and this girl pulls me aside and says, listen,

I wanted to tell you something. In about three months, I'm moving to New York. I got a job working for an ad agency. You know, that's where I went to school for. I'm making a great salary. They're going to pay for an apartment for the first year. I said, this one. They go, what do you want to do?

And she goes, we'll talk about it right before I leave. And it was fine, but something had happened. The little Asian girl got a job at the dealership. I worked at the Toyota dealership. Oh, shit. So we became little friends. Sure. You know, and I would see her whenever she drank.

At lunch, she was a little crazy. She would say goofy things to me. If you show me yours, I'll show you mind. And I'll be serious and she goes, no, I'm just testing you, you crazy motherfucker. But she was more friend. I liked her. So this girl left. And I told me, I'll be in New York and about six weeks to see you.

I'll go out there and do comedy. I thought I was going to get paid. This is 19. Oh, my God, guys. This is 1993. Yeah. I was just getting 10 minutes if I was. Lucky.

Yeah. And I, you know, stayed home. So guess what else happened? This girl. You guys hooked up. Her boyfriend of two years. Also, wanted to move to Seattle to find themselves.

And I'm looking at this girl. She's telling me the story at the dealership. And I'm looking at this girl. She's 24. Smoking hot. You know when you were 24. Super hot. You're ready.

She's ready to go. She just needed a band. leader. That's all she needed was a band leader to get her destination. Right, right. In comes Uncle Joey to lead the band. And in my heart, I could say it like a man. I didn't. It wasn't my intention. In my heart, I tried to not keep the relationship open with this girl, but I knew this wouldn't be good. And I didn't, to be honest here, I didn't think this was going to happen. She was that high level good looking. Damn. You thought she was out of your lead? I mean, Perfect tinnies, perfect hips. Yeah. It's cute, witty, Americanized. Yeah. Born in Korea, but raised here.

Perfect. Tall. She liked to come on her face because the warmth from the come would make her come. This is tremendous. When I heard this shit. She said that. So listen to me. So this goes on for about a month, a month and a half, me and her goombas.

She's hanging out of the comedy shows. I'm giving her a ride home. One night I take her home and she goes, I really don't want to go home. I'm sick of going up there alone. Can I sleep over there by you? I had like a fucking eight ball of coke on me. I go, come on. We went back to my house.

I asked her next to you know, she's taking the panties or we had to do it. And we stayed in that room for four days. I had never been with an Asian woman before. She was beautiful. That sake, sake, sake juice that came out of our monkey had me all fucked up, Jack. She was very sexual, very beautiful, and we just pretty much had a relationship. I mean, this girl was calling me, and she'd be laying next to me. Oh.

Like, what are you doing? No, no, no, no. The chick in New York. What a? Oh. Would be calling me, and I'd be with the fucking chick mugging up. Oh, shit. I forgot all about the other girl.

But then the Korean chick pulled a double cross on me. She had a job, and she told me she was going to dinner with some dude. and some girls and shit. And I had a weird fucking feeling. So that night, about midnight, I went over and there was one dude up there, and he was naked. So I stopped talking to this freak.

So you were mad that she was hooking up with him, even though you had a girlfriend. You know how we did it? It's such a double standard. It really fucking is. It really is. I was 30-something years old. Guys get so territorial.

This was when I first got divorced, and I had just gone into this game. I didn't know this dating game. I'd been out of the game for seven fucking years. I get it. I can relate. And, you know, she's back. And I didn't talk to her for a while, but the pussy was so good.

Sure. And the freakiness was so hot. But she was crazy. She's one of those girls that would get a period and have to go to the hospital. Why? What? She would start yelling and have nervous breakdown. It made her that crazy?

Holy shit. So every other one, she would have to call the hospital like the day before and go, get ready. No way. Yeah. Fuck your mother. I've never heard of that. I think they can put her. you on something something yeah it was crazy at that time she didn't know wow and she moved

no wonder she was good bad she moved to career broke my heart now i had not one of them one was in new york and the other one was in fucking career i'm in colorado doing comedy by myself look at that poor bastard it's all the sleep yeah you snoring over there i get hit you from the night you see that and uh it was heartbra i like i was heartbroken but here's the snoozer I'm back in New York. I'm selling cars. I'm doing two spots a night. And you know what?

On the weekends, that little white girl, Julie, has let me come over and eat a pussy and fool around with it. And we'd go to the village and get a slice of pizza, but she wanted nothing to do with me. Wow. She wanted an open relationship. Damn. But every week, I would connivrant to get in a hotel.

Let me give you a stabbing. We were doing okay. She invited me over on a Wednesday. I went over there with my buddy. She brought her girlfriend. They hit it off. I hit it off with her that night. Everything was going great.

I went back over there that Friday, spent the night, went around Saturday, left Sunday. That was the first time I spent two days of her. Oh, wow. I'm doing comedy. She came to my show. I ate dicks. But who cared? You're basically good dating.

I really wanted this to work with this girl. Yeah. Do you know, I leave a Sunday. I give her a kiss. I was driving a limo. I got in the fucking. to the limo, I would drive her on Monday. I was delivering food from

10 to 2, and then I would go home, take a shower, and deliver, and drive the lima. Wow. I go to NBC studios, and I pick up the daily shots, and as I'm driving, my page goes off, this is this girl in New York, and I call her up, and I know, what's going on?

She goes, so, I just got a call from Kansas. The girl, she came back, and she went crazy one night. Oh, shit. She ratted you out. The Asian girl. The Asian girl called me a three in the morning crying. The guilt had gotten so bad to her that she,

she fucking flipped out. They put her in like a car. Oh, my God. Holy shit. This is after the three weekends of a row of love with me and this girl. This Korean girl dropped a bomb on me. Holy she. That one was in the dud.

She called the girl and came clean with how long our affair was. Why would you do that? She was really crazy. had to be. The guilt. So now, me and the girl, but here's where it gets better. That's 1993. 92.

I met another girl in 95. You hook up in Michigan. She comes to Boulder. She wants to lick my asshole. That's the one that said turn over. I want to give you a rusty trombone. It all comes back around. Are you fucking crazy?

She moves to Seattle. The pussy's so good. Three weeks later, Uncle Joey has to move to Seattle. I've had a pussy before in my life, but I've never had stripper, dirty Michigan pussy that makes me do dirty things. Pussy's so good you moved to Seattle. I knew she had a disease. Like I knew this girl had a disease. Oh my God.

Like today, whenever I itch, I think about it. Like, I know she gave me something. You know what I'm saying? Wow. So I moved to Seattle. We lived in, I forget, by the beach, I go, whatever that beach is. and we lived in the U district. And one day, I'm pulling in my car.

I'm going to go to a movie theater. I pull him with my car into the gas station as I'm filling it up with gas. I turn around, and it's Paul, her ex-boyfriend, the Korean girls. The guy that left her that moved to Seattle. No way.

Here I am pumping gas. Oh, my God. And this guy was a doorman. Like, he was a big dude. Holy shit. And he came up to me and he had tears in his eyes. And he was like, I can't believe you did that.

The guilt made her end up in a fucking mental home. She barely got out of there like a month ago. Yeah, this chick was out of it. I can't believe they were still talking, her and him. So were they still like together when he was in Seattle? They were still talking kind of sort of. Wow. They were trying to work things out.

You drove her to event. The dick was so good. You put her in that hospital. The thing, the fucking guilt drove it crazy, which I understood. It was a lot of guilt. They moved there together. They were fraternity sisters together. Oh, shit, yeah.

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. I think back now. But the funny thing is, that was 1993. We never talked again. The longest yard came out. And there was this website that they had put up. It was owned by Gabriel and this guy in El Paso, Latinocomity. And one day he only goes, he goes, you know, you're a message boards there.

I knew nothing what a message board was. Look at this poor best. Lisa, I knew nothing what a message board was or how to, and I went to the message board. He showed me how to go back there, and there was a message from the Korean girl. And she said, congratulations. I always knew. She goes, you were really serious about it. You knew what you wanted to do.

And she goes, guess where I live? She lived in my hometown with a Cuban dude. I thought you were going to say, like, an insane asylum. No, no, no. She lived in North Bergen with a Cuban dude. Wow. She was very proud of me. and she had two kids.

And it was really happy that she forgave me. She didn't want to talk to me, which is cool as long as she forgave me. Yeah. You know what? Her and I went to see Seinfeld together. Like, it's friends. Do you know what I'm saying? We were really friends.

She didn't really have a reason to be mad at you. She knew you had the girlfriend, right? It's not like you hit anything. I remember me and her taking my daughter to the zoo. My daughter falling asleep and me and her pulling over and fucking her from behind at a phone booth. in the dead of the winter. That's how hot she was, Kay. With your daughter and asleep in the car?

Oh, my God. Okay, Kate, Kate, this chick was. Holy shit. This chick took me through a due dimension of shock. Wow. I used to just come all over myself. Like, she'd be in the car and I would just have come in my jeans. Damn.

She would always want me to rip her clothes all. We would do the first time. Me and her were really tight, really fucking tight, man. And she was coming to my comedy shows with my friends. and she would have a few drinks. Wow. And like a day before that comedy show, she started talking crazy shit.

Like, yeah, one of these nights I'm going to sleep over and we go watch movies. And I'm like, I don't know how this is going to work out, man. This is how it started. And we're like talking. And that Tuesday night was steak night at the broker in for 15 bucks. Yeah. Plus, you got a comedy ticket, a baked potato, a salad,

and a water or something. Nice. And we were there. And she had a few drinks on it. And her and I had been talking. talking about her sleeping over something. She came up to me at this bar. And she goes, walk me out of the car.

I had an Accura and Tegra at the time, a brand new 93 that I could not afford. I bought it just to, because I was getting divorced and I wanted to pick up young girls. And Acura. I put her in the front seat. And she, I never forget, she had like a business skirt on with simple heels on and stockings. She just opened up her legs and she told me, ripped my stockings on. Damn. I ripped the stockers off.

I ripped the skirt off. Her blouse was beautiful. It was white with those buttons. I just ripped that open. I ripped her bro playing her pussy. I basically left her nude in the car. So I finished doing comedy. And then we went back to my house.

Jesus. I finished her off. And I had to give her like my clothes to go home. Her brother was staying with her. She came in with that jacket ripped to shreds. But that's what turned her on. Sure, of course. would that not turn the world?

But she was amazing. Like you would actually see a thing drop out of her monkey like a little boop. And that would turn you on. You're like, oh, my God, this is just amazing. Yeah. It was crazy, K. Quay. Damn. Was I in love?

No. I was in love. Look the way you asked. Was I in love? No, no, no. I was in lust love. I had never had a woman who did that. I've been there.

It's a big difference. Like, once it went away. It's hard not. confuse it when it's that intense. You don't know. You don't know at the time. Your brain is like feeling this intense feeling and it's like, it's, oh, but that kind of sex is, I've only had that with two people and it was like both those guys so hard to quit.

Harder than anything I've ever quit. To be honestly, the people I fell in love with were the ones that weren't that good at sex. Yeah, that's what people say. Because I always felt inferior. So a woman that comes in and, like, third day. She's like, hold on, hold on. I want to jump off your bureau and land on your dick head first. This girl's been around the block a little bit.

You know what I'm saying? Jump off your bureau. Yeah, when she comes to your house for dinner, you got to disinfect the fort. Your mom can't eat off that fort. Like spider man of pussy. Yeah, you never know. We all want a whore, but we don't want a wharf. I know.

Someone said that to me. And we don't want, you know. You ever suck dick before, Kay? One time in the eighth grade, I suck. That's it. That's what we want to hear. I didn't like it. And really all this time now

Guys always understood no they didn't You've been sucking dicks Right that's what they want to think That's what they want to think That's what they want to think Yeah we don't want to know nothing We don't want to know about your old boyfriend Yeah

We don't know that he had a big nut sack And he would come and he would come on my face And it was just amazing But tells guys that That they're a lot of fucking creepy women man And guys will sit through that shit Wow I won't I've had friends in Colorado

I had this chubby couple She was beautiful but they would talk shit in front of me that would drive me crazy. And I would tell them one day. One day I just to listen, you come over here, I can't listen to that shit. No. What are you talking about? We trust each other.

I don't want to hear that shit. Who does, though? Girls don't want to hear it either. I don't want to hear about, I mean, we all know everyone has a past. Nobody wants to hear about it. I don't want to hear about all the girls you fuck before me. And she would giggle, and he would giggle like an asshole. I remember one Super Bowl, her telling a story about anal, how she didn't like the guy.

But she wanted to be cool or some shit, so he would only fuck her anal. So this went on for like a year. Even her boyfriend, her brothers didn't know, nothing. And he's giggling. I still do it from time to time in the anal and she would hit him. I'm like, these disgusting fucking people. These disgusting fucking people. Oh, my God.

I'm lucky you cleaned up your act. You know, the hiv is still out there. You don't want to show up with scars and coughing. I'm super queen. I haven't had sex this year. Only once. Whatever. I'm on a cleanse.

Really? Yeah, for real. I worry about you. I can't have you out there. I really haven't. You can take that little sativa. You don't take the light. I'm going to take the sativa.

Take the sotiva. Thank you. You're taking it. Where are your dates coming up? You got any road dates? Oh, actually, I'm here for the next six weeks. I'm at the comedy store this week if you happen to be in town, Thursday and Saturday. But I'm going to Alaska in July.

I'm taking red band. We're going to go do shows up there. And then, uh... What's name of the club? Choku Charlies? I think that's it. That's it. Yeah, yeah.

I went there last year. It was so fun. What do you think? I had the best time. I had... When did they put you up in a condo? It was a hotel. Oh, they did.

They had a hotel. Kind of like a cool downtown. Yeah, they used to put you up in the condo. Oh, my God. No condo. No, no, no. Oh, my God. It was fun, actually.

I met the Harlem Globetrotters because they were in town. They loved you. It was so fun. I got to shoot hoops as part of their thing. Yeah. They want to shoot hoops. Yeah. Yeah.

They're going to fucking pasture around that bus. Thank you, Joey. And fucking. They're a family-friendly organization. Yeah, sure. I'm talking that dick. And eight of them are hitting you in the head with their basketball dicks. But I will say I just put up a new website with a bunch of cool merch on it.

And my podcast is doing really well. Partly thanks to you. Thanks to you. I love you to death. You just, I always, you know, you inspire me when I see you out there banging out every night. Thank you. You're not looking for a hand out. You're not blowing guys at the

Communist store, so I'm very proud of you. That's why you got my respects. I love you. Thank you. What's going on with you, Lee? What are you feeling tonight? I hear noises. I hear different. Go pee, hurry up.

What are you feeling, Lee? I'm feeling pretty high. Good. See, I take care you. You're telling me you're training. You ain't fucking training. You don't train with you until you're with Uncle Joey. But anyway, let me talk to you people real quick.

You know, I tried them all. But between you and I, Lyft has always been the best service. I gave Lee my Lyft code. He loves it. He had a bad experience with one of the other guys. It doesn't really matter. You know, it's just a good company to work for it. And they do a lot of great things for their drivers that I could see that they really, they can.

You know, when you drive for a right, the right, right sharing app, every trip can feel like a walk in the park. With Lyft, you can pick your own hours and work when you want. Lyft can make driving the best job in the world. Lyft is the right-sharing company that believes in treating its people better. Lyft believes that being a right-sharing driver should be fun. If you're having a good time, so are the passengers. You're smiling, you're giggling, you've got bottles of water for them, you've got little mince for them, people like all this stuff.

And if you're choosing a right-sharing company to drive for, go for the company that treats you better, and that's Lyft. Only Lyft offers app tipping. When you drive for Lyft, you keep 100% of the tips. Drivers have been paid over $150 million in tips since the feature was introduced. Express Paylet's drivers get paid almost instantly instead of waiting for weeks.

Lift has been taken the guest work out of pickups. The new AMP device uses color coding to help passengers find their drivers. You can earn hundreds of dollars a week plus tips, so want to make more money, drive more. It's never been easier to give yourself a race. It's plain and simple.

It's a simple formula. Happy drivers mean happy passengers. Maybe that's why nine out of 10 lift drivers get a perfect five-star rating. So do me a favor. You're sitting there broke. You're in between careers. You don't really know what you want to do. You still got to pay for the bills, guys. you still got to put money away for the future

and you still got to make things happen on your own. You want to start that band? Do you want to do this? Do you want to do that? The number thing you got to do is make paper. Do me a favor. Get a job. Go to lift.com slash Joey today

and you can get a $500 driver bonus. I mean, limited time only. Terms apply. But you're just sitting there. Go do something with your life. Go justify your existence. Go to lift.com slash Joey. Again, that's lift.com slash Joey.

Why sit there like a bump on a log when you could be making extra money, meeting people, expressing yourself and getting fresh air. You go to the airport, you go here, you go there, plus you're with the best company out there. Go to lift.com slash Joey, right? Right now, right?

Lyft.com slash Joey. Again, lift.com slash joey. Number two. In fact, we're going to make sure Cape gets one of these. Bidays are back. All right, you walk around with that stinky asshole. You scratch your balls at work.

You're like, why is this happening to me? Why do my fingernail stink? Why are they turning yellow? Why the other one's clear, but these ones are turning yellow. Sounds like the four questions for Passover. Listen, dog. It doesn't really matter what it sounds like. The only thing you should be excited about is that bidet's a back, okay?

You don't got to walk around with rusty ass or non-concunders. confident about how your nut sac stinks or whatever. And you're asking me, what's a bidet, Joey? It's a portable bidet that you put onto your toilet. And after you do your little business, you put the water on, and it sprinkles your asshole clean. Plain and simple. If you get the distance, it can hit your nutsack. You can also dip your little clam in there.

You can also dip your helmet in there. Listen, let's just say you can make it work. Things get bad. You can take the water and throw it in your face. So wake up in the board. Drink out of me. Go to hellotushy.com right now slash hit them Lee.

Church. Boom! And get 10% off. You get a 60 day money back guarantee, but listen, you're gonna fucking love it. Everybody's happy. I'm happy as this.

I sit in, sometimes I don't even take a shit. I walk by, I look at it, I turn the water on, and I just sit there for eight, nine minutes and let my life flash before me.

That can be my last day. Let me get the party started right. Go to hellotushy. right now and press the code word church boom 10% off your order this is money people why have a stinky ass oh ladies you know your pussy stinks like fucking debt

you get a little bar of soap you let that little water twinkle in your monkey your tip top magoo you understand me mother's day coming you'll look at your mother and you go what's my mother's ass smell like boom nope take the guest workout go to hello dushy.com right now press in church boom 10% off

this day and I know you looked at your grandfather and said that asshole looks like that all he eats his fucking applesauce he got no teeth his asshole has the fucking allure of something that's about to get hit by a train but it don't matter his days are settled hello tushy.com right now slash church boom 10% off

I want to give love to lift I also lift what is it to leave lift.com slash joey slash joey Lyft.com slash Joe. I want to give them some love. All sort of my main people on it. Pushing out the supplements. You understand me?

Alpha brain money back guaranteed. Shroom tech sport will change your fucking life. Go to honor.com and press in. Church. Boom. Bam. 10% off, cock suckers. See you guys Wednesday night.

I want to thank my girl, Kay Quigley. Don't forget to follow on Twitter. Facebook from time to time. She's fucking tremendous. Thank you. I love you. Love you. So she's happy.

That was, dude, that shit was holy.