The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #479 - Matt Fulchiron

Episode Date: May 9, 2017

Matt Fulchiron, Comedian, and Host of the "Full Charge Power Hour" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.    This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron - Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order.   Stamps.com - Never go to the post office again with stamps.com and use code: JOEY for a 4 week trial.   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/08/2017.
  

The Jewish or whatever. The beauty of it is if you read Donnie Brasco, the first crime family he busted was the Chicago crime family. And their counterpart was the Milwaukee crime family. And their big business was slot machines, cigarette machines, all those type machines. Donnie Brasco took them down. They just didn't talk about it in the movie.

Right. So the first time I went to Milwaukee, people were like, nah, bro, don't go over there. And go around the corner to Italianville. And there was his place In 1998 They had meatball heroes For $2.

Man It was a mafia joint To the hill It smelled like cheese And three little fat guys Back there Taking book But man

They just made meatballs All day And put them on bread With little mozzarella I'm starting to get hungry Oh my god Yeah We'll order some

Fucking meatball heroes In an hour From You always say We're gonna get meatball He never get meatball We never get enough Yeah but he's talking

About in Milwaukee Start the goddamn show You don't get no Meatball heroes You didn't go back To the gym To the gym Should have

to the gym then. 28 years old, fucking around. No, I'm going to read the ads. Oh, I'm sorry. You said we got to deal with? You said get a story. I'm sorry.

Let's do this. We're ready? Yeah, we're going. Oh, we've been going. When you did that meatball thing, we've been going. What the fuck is wrong with you? You know what's to tell me. The podcast is started.

The podcast is started. That's what you're trying to tell me. Well, guess what? It's Monday, May 8th. And Churchill, what's happened now is in the motherfucking house. For starters, we want to give a shout out. What is me on?

Oh, you're sorry, seriously soft, feel good underwears delivered right to your door. So go ahead and revamp your underwear draw. You deserve it. Again, this podcast is brought to you by meandies.com. Right now, go to meundees.com slash joey. Meundies.com slash joey. And get 20% off your first pair. Number two, one of the best food companies out there.

Blue Apron. Number one with fresh ingredients and recipe delivery service in the country. They deliver fresh seasonal food right to your door and you can cook it in 30 minutes or less. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free and free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash joey. Again, blue apron.com slash joey. And I want to welcome a company to the church that is one of the best companies out there because you, You don't have to leave the house. And I'm talking about stamps.com.

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includes postage and a digital scale. That's how I'm rolling on the church of what's happening now. Yeah. Kick that mule Lee. Oh shit. When it couldn't get any better. Upstairs at Erick's. Fucking Yaz.

This is Kualood music right here. You put the music on, you eat the Kualoo. You gave the girl the gorilla biscuit. By the end of the song, you're both naked. And she's telling you, she's got a boyfriend. What are you going to do? Here we go. Monday, May 8th, the church of what's happening now?

What, what'd you say? What's happening, you beautiful motherfuckers? Welcome to Podcastville. Uncle Joey here, the church of what's happening now? My main man in studio, Matt, full charge, Fultron. What's up? And my little brother, who is fucked up tonight, on some of the best weed I've gotten all year,

my main man, Mr. Lee Syatt. I don't even know where you get bottles with no label. You don't need to know. I get the call, avoid they hang up on me, they give me an address, I show up, I give them an envelope, they give me an envelope. I don't ask questions. That's the beauty about Joey Diaz.

Why ask questions? I don't care who raised it. I don't care what you're putting it. As long as I see the devil for 10 minutes, I'm good. I care. Where are you going tonight? Where the fuck are you going? We're here.

We're here for the night, man. You're sitting behind. You're sitting behind fucking. fucking Led Zeppelin to and Sabbit, bloody Sabbath. Where the fuck are you going? Nowhere, I guess. Thank you for watching and supporting me on Superior Donuts. Congratulations, ma'am.

It was this fucking spoon deal. Whatever. It's no genius. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. That's what happens when you live here for 20 years. Every once in a while, one day you do something you don't really want to do. It doesn't pay you a lot of money, but you're committed to it and you do it. And something good comes to you one day.

Absolutely. for a while somebody calls you with a job and you're like really man thank you and people call you with jobs all the time but some jobs are bigger sometimes people call you and want you to work three days on a YouTube project for three days for free you know what I'm saying yeah so you take those and you take everything that comes at you and eventually somebody calls you with a fucking job that you go Jesus Christ there's a fucking job yeah it's mine that I still had audition but it was mine to lose right you know I'm saying I hear this yeah now I know you have an agent um But are there like acting gigs online, like how you apply to jobs online?

Can you just submit yourself? 17 years ago when actors access around there, I would pay the $69 a year. I'd have my wife scan my headshots, three or four headshots. And I'd sit there every night and look through jobs. And I'll tell you what I booked on there. Are you ready? Ready. Cold case, first year.

All right. Fucking cold case. Yeah. And I booked a guest star off ShowFax. I booked Law & Order SVU from ShowFax. I booked a movie, which I got fired from in Jamaica on ShowFax. So I used to hustle on ShowFax. When you get fired in Jamaica, is it tough to get the plane ticket back?

No, the plane was a round-trip ticket. Oh, okay. It was a round-trip ticket. It was one of those fucking, they paid for it with Miles. So you're the last one to get on the plane. Yeah. You're the last one to get on the plane. get your luggage and your fucking luggage is wet.

Like it was one of those fucking deals. Right. I had to land in Miami and wait for 10 hours for a connecting flight. You know, it was one of those deals. Right. So I got myself out of it real quick. But I ended up suing them. Yeah?

Fuck yeah. And then I settled it out of court because I did the paperwork. And the screen actors guild who's supposed to represent you sued them for the money they owed me, which was two weeks of work. It wasn't a lot of money. Right. The point, I did the movie. The movie was going to be a disaster. I knew this going in, but I would get paid before Christmas.

Yeah. And my wife would get a, it was way before I was married. She would get a present, and we'd get a few lobster tails and eat at the house, you know. So it meant the world to me to get the job. When I got fired, I still put it together, but I tried to sue them. I think it was two weeks of $1,200 a week. So I sued them for $2,400. Yeah.

All right, I'm waiting for my $2,400. I'm waiting for a small $24 for a year. Finally, I bump into somebody and I tell him the story, a SAG rep. And they tell me to call him on Monday and I call him and he looks into it. He goes, you know why they haven't paid you? Because SAG billed him for $10,000. Oh. SAG said I want $400 charge for this, $2,000 for firing him because it was his fault.

So he was getting sued by SAG. Okay. I had a clear case. I had a strong case across the board. So I called the guy. Like, again, two weeks before. Christmas. And I go, he goes,

they won't let me release the movie, and they won't give me back my bond unless I settle with you. I go, I'm not here to rob you. Just give me with you all me. I gave my bank account. He told me to be there in the morning. He put it in,

and I dropped the claim. Nice. And that was it. Only took a year. The movie never got released. Not even on YouTube? Never saw the light of day, which I knew.

Club Paradise 2. Yeah, it was just a fucking disaster. What's happening in your world? Beautiful? Me? I'm going on the road with you this week. This is going on with me. You were on the road for like nine fucking months. No, it was two months.

You switch with Ari. Ari moves back. Then you're in this house taking showers. I switched. You're like two fucking cats. I switched with Ari Shafir last year. Which is cool as shit. That was great.

Cool as shit. He's such a great guy. I'm happy to have him back. He sounds good. And you know, oh yeah. So when did he get back in touch with everybody? Like, what's going on with that? You know, he called me.

Yeah. He's my brother, and he called me, and he goes, listen to this what's going on. He told me, like, a man in mid-December. I had heard rumblings about it. Yeah. But I thought it was bullshit. I had heard rumblings about it because we shared the same agent,

so it was bullshit. I just called bullshit. He ain't going to go, you know? And then he called me, and he goes, I'm going. I need to see the world. I need to experience stuff and write jokes. And listen, if I was single, I'd disappear out of here in weeks. I'd take a league and go to Miami for five fucking days.

interview people. Yeah, you told me about that in Nyack, and it made me feel like, like, I wanted to do that. What do you mean? Like, I just felt great that, like, even he got to go to and do it. Like, it was just such an escape. I was like, because I was so exhausted from the road. I was like, oh, somebody's getting out of it for a little bit. Like, it's cool.

That's sounded good to me. I have this fantasy. Ever since we got Lyft as a sponsor, I have this fantasy of just, like, lifting and driving across America. Just from city to city as a driver. I've done that. Joe's done that. And just seeing the city, you're seeing, like, working in each city and, like, getting

to live there for a couple weeks. Like, I don't know, I don't know if you could, like, financially, like, afford hotels every night. Maybe you'd have to find, like, someone of a crash with, but it's not like an aspiration of mine. It's just like a fantasy I have sometimes. Right. Well, you guys don't have anything like that, like anything.

Well, we've done it so much, kind of. You want me to tell you something, man. I love doing. comedy. And if I had to get the top three things I like about doing comedy, one was the journey, the other one was the people. But you want me to tell what the other one was? What's that? I know every nook and can't cranny in this fucking country. You got homes away from home. Oh, I've been there. You know what I'm saying? I don't remember a lot of things. Right. But I've been to every nook and cranny. Remember when you start comedy, you work at hellholes.

Yeah. So I started in Denver. So I would fucking go to these towns that you never even heard of. Yeah. Like population 2000. Mm-hmm. I knew people who booked rooms in all those type of towns. Yeah. And you drive in and see it, they had a gas station, a laundromat, and a supermarket, and a post office. And the police department was like two doors, you know.

And you go, how these people live? It's a different way of life. We were talking about triple runs the other day, which is a run that you do when you first start. Right. And they really show you the discipline of the road and how it works and blah, blah, blah, blah, and getting up early and getting drunk and how to survive on 50. the holidays a night teaches you a lot

but the one thing about Tribble runs is that he used to have this room in Craig Colorado he had like eight weeks of work Potato run one potato run two

yeah Missoula run one Missoula run two that means he had two clubs in the same city he was a hustler David Tribble you gotta give him to that I'm gonna I'm gonna go on Olympia

I wouldn't be here right now without David Tribble because David Tribble was the fundamentals of comedy. I learned it from Doug Stanhope. When I heard Doug Stanhope lived on a David Tribletor, I immediately went on a Dave Tribal tour. You do what winners are doing.

Right. And you learn a lot. You learn how to work yourself out of holes in those rooms. You know what it's like to go to Idaho on Tuesday night to a room. When you get there, they go, oh, it doesn't say that thing. You can't curse. There's Mormons in the room. Yeah.

It's a Mormon bar. And you have to switch up your game. You have to switch up your fucking audibles and shit. And they're not letting you call it, oh, maybe I'll do 45 tonight. They don't want you in an hour. Yeah, it's great. Guys, it's a discipline.

And then you've got to get back to your hotel. So here you are a star in a city that is fucking small. And there's always a waitress that's got drugs or a guy and his girlfriend want to bring you over for you to bang the girlfriend, him to watch. That's a big thing on triple runs. They're the weirdest situations. Triple runs are filth.

They're filth because when you go to that city, you're a fucking movie star at them. It's fucking crazy league. Do you think those people go every week? Yeah. Yeah. They have nothing else to do on Wednesday night. And then Friday night, they have a live band and Saturday to have a live band.

And I'm not putting that lifestyle down by any means. It sounds great. But it's a complete different lifestyle. Yeah. And yeah, I'm not Johnny International. I can't sit here with you guys and talk about the Vatican. And I can't talk to you guys about going to Brazil into the jungles or ayahuasca. But let me tell you something.

As a fucking immigrant, I really learn. what this country was about by going to all these cities. Right. I could tell you more about the economy right now today from me going to these cities. I learned that much. And when I go to Charlotte and I see construction. In Utah this week, I counted four or five fucking cranes. Right.

You know, in Salt Lake City. That's what I look for. I look for cranes. Yeah. I look for movement on the streets. There's a lot of cities you go to that, they're quiet. And every city has a personality. And I've got to seeing all those personalities.

Yeah. I'm really happy about that. Me too. Snake River, North Dakota. I didn't get high for five days on this triple run. Yeah. What kind of high? Like anything.

I was just smoking dope on the road. I was getting shitty weed all throughout fucking northern part of the country. I was getting brown weed. Right. And I finally get the Snake River or one of those Dakotas on a Friday night, and I'm hungry, and they go, you get 50% off at the restaurant downstairs in the hotel. And I get to the hotel, I'm about to pass out. I look on the back of there's one lonely Mexican in the country.

kitchen. That was my only hope. I made eye contact with him. He came over. We started talking in Spanish. I asked him where the shit was if he had a cousin who sold Coke. He goes, I got a cousin who sells bombs. You know what I'm saying? I got a cousin who sells the shit that killed Pablo Escobar. He's Pablo Escobar's

nephew. He gave me a handful of blow for like $40 and Snake River. You know, you just learned all these crazy things. Like people who, I went to towns where people would go, so what hotel you're staying? And you're like, I'm not, I'm going to sleep in my car. Don't be foolish.

Stay in our living room. And you're like, what? You don't know who I am. I could rob you in the middle of the night. But from that love, it makes you, like, wow, people are so cool. When you wake up and they made your breakfast and they want to drive you to show you where the Kmart is, you can buy new T-shirts. Yeah.

It's really fucking crazy. It's really fucking crazy. You see the beauty of people. You see the shittiness of people. I was in Buffalo one time. I'm standing there, and there's black guy's running at me. I'm eating a fucking McDonald's egg McMuffin. Yeah.

I got the potato peck cake. Right. And I got the Coca-Cola in those days. It's summer of 98. It's winter of 98. This was like my third time in Buffalo. I did everything on a bus then. Okay.

All my business was done on a bus. Greyhound. I would fly to Manhattan, base myself out of Jersey, and take buses. Right. Myrtle Beach, D.C., Philly, fucking Buffalo, Syracuse. I might have done that before. How long have the bus ride to Florida? That's the long one.

I never took that one. I think it's close to 20 hours. I took a train from Miami to Myrtle beat South Carolina, one of the worst experiences of my life. Never took a train again. They bang you on each fucking level. They're like fucking filthy animals. They're more expensive than planes.

They're like dirty cops. They're like dirty cops. Oh my God. They bang you at the station. Then you get on and you got a chair. What happened to the room? Every movie you watcher, everybody's got a room. they're sleeping.

The Beatles are there. Yeah, the Beatles are there. Then you go in. That costs more money. How much more? 200. Okay. So now I'm up to, yeah, the ticket was $69.50.

You're jumping up and down. Like I say, because sometimes you would work as a feature. You get $400. Right. I snorted $200. Yeah. I got $200 for the journey. I could take the flight for $1.89 and fly with a nickel and got a shoplift water at the airport.

Yeah. Or, and I got to get somebody to drive me, like a feature act or the MC. I got to give them a small nickel or a joint. And then I said, fuck it, the train is $69. I save $100. I get there with a yardstick in my pocket. And I go out, I buy a G-bow, a blow. Oh, my God.

They mugged me. For the train ride? Fuck, yeah, I took two. No, no, no. I didn't have coke for the train ride. I had like two joints. And I would get off and smoke the joints and get back on the train. Fucked up and put my little walkman on.

And then these motherfuckers, you know, I'm like, I want to eat. And I want to cost $24. Why do you mean it costs $24? Because you've got to buy the whole menu. What if I just want a cup of fucking noodle soup? Because they had like chicken noodle soup with a bunch of crackers, that'll feel you're good for $3. For the small $3.

No, they wanted $24 for the whole fucking meal. Because you probably went to like, because I've rented it. They have a first class and then they have like a general boarding. It's crazy. I've never even sat like that in a restaurant. I went to like the food car that has microwave pizzas and terrible food. No, no. After that fucking train ride then.

I was getting off, getting stone. But the buses of the shit, Greyhound is really the shit. Greyhound is like traveling abroad. When you get to the bus station, you don't know who you're going to run into. You don't know who you're going to sit next to. You got an idea. Yeah, it's got to be somebody who mug somebody. It's got to be somebody who's on the loose.

Somebody that needed to pay cash. Yeah, somebody who, you know, owe somebody money for booking and is leaving town. Right. Women who are leaving their husbands because they got hit in the head with a bat the night before. And they got a fucking, they got a Swami hat on. Don't they put prisoners who are getting released from jail on buses? Yeah, you have no fucking idea the adventures I've had on buses. I had so many adventures I've forgotten on.

And I had, listen, you know me, I don't like traffic. Yeah. I would get on a bus from 97 to 2002. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I would take a bus, Jack. I heard the guy on a bus, like, he was fighting that, like, capitalism was the best, like, form of government. when clearly it just had not worked out for him.

It's fucking weird, dude. Communism would work better for you, dude. Come on. No, people neglect the buses. It's funny, they have a bus station around the corner here in Magnolia. And from time to time, pass by there a day. And you'll see creepy people by the bus station. That means they have no money.

Some people don't even want to take the bus. They just want to sleep there. No, no. That bus station, you can't sleep there. No? No. No, no, no, no, no. That motherfucker closes at six.

Oh, okay. There ain't no future in there. There's nothing but darkness and rats over there. But when the bus drops you off at 11. But if you got money, you can walk half a block and go to NoHo Dina. Right. That's why NoHo Dina is dangerous at night because those bus people over there lurking, looking for a dime, a quarter. Those are bus people, like me a cup of coffee.

Remember the one night we were there? We threw cigarettes away and the guy picked them up and smoked him. He was a bus creature from over for the fucking cray hound over there. Were you there the night that, like the homeless kid sat down night? to me or I think I might have been on the phone with you. Like whenever I'm in that situation, they come over and, like, want to borrow my phone. He wanted me to, like, drop him off at a motel 6 and Van Nuys somewhere.

I always get approached for that stuff. It's fucking crazy. The people that come up to me. I sat next to two homeless guys on a plane one time. This is a true story. Like, they were mules or something. They smelled bad. They were dirty as fuck.

One guy tried to smoke on the plane. Like, they were insane. They were fucking homeless. a week later, I actually saw the guy walking down Sunset Boulevard. I was like, what's their fucking story, man? How do they have money to fly from Chicago to L.A.? When they're clearly fucking homeless, they had no teeth or anything? Like, what the fuck?

They were like they were running drugs or something. Well, no, no, no, no. There's a thing here where they put you on a plane. They put you on a bus ticket. They give you a bus ticket on that way. There's something here. There's a program because I heard about it on the news where something. If you're homeless, they'll send you back to your,

you have to do some paperwork and they'll give you a bus ticket out maybe in Chicago they fly you out first class These dudes are clearly homeless men The one guy was sitting in my seat I'm like you're in my seat and like I separated the two of them And then one of them's like I wouldn't sit there He's like I just wiped feces all over the fucking chair

You got this crazy And Tasha, Daniel Toshers on the other side of me going Ah just laughing at me For like the fucking bad luck I had And he's sent by the exit window. He goes, if I open this up, do you think we'll all die? I'm like, yes. Like, I should have told the fucking air marshal.

Yeah, why do you, there's feces on your chair. What are you talking about? Did you just wave it off? How long ago was this? This was, I don't know, like six, seven years ago, maybe fucking eight? You know, those, there's professional homeless people. Yeah. And have a scam. So what is the scam? Okay, the old scam, the scam I fucking heard about, my jaw dropped, but I had an idea.

And then I got locked up. And I got locked up in November in Boulder. Now, there was an article in Boulder in 19. Before I got locked up, I read this thing that four out of five jails, like four out of five inmates surveyed in Colorado, said that Boulder County Jail was the best jail in Colorado. So when you're homeless in Boulder, the reason why it was so good, when I got arrested in Boulder, I couldn't believe it. It was like the scene in Goodfellas where you're cooking steaks and shit. Close to it. Close to it with no gangsters.

Close to it. Like it was one of the most enjoyable months of my life looking back at the way. And everyone had like red hair or what? Everybody was laid back. There were a couple killers in there. You were in general population. But there were levels. Okay.

So like level one, you went to better 10 and you had regular channels. 24, 7 and fucking Fox. Fox. They gave you TV? Yeah, not in your room, but you could wear your own clothes. If your family brought you clothes, you can wear your own clothes, you don't have to wear fucking greens, and they gave you cigarettes. What? They gave you the roll ones?

What's that called? Those pouches with the filter list, yeah, roll your own. They'd give you those. They'd feed you, they'd give you dental. Like the third day in Boulder County Jail, you'd go to the dentist. He's like, you got nine cavities. you're ready to go. I'm like, fuck you.

Fuck you. You know, you're getting fucking 8.50 an hour. You just graduated from the academy yourself. I'm going to let you drill in my fucking teeth. Fuck you. And that was bullshit because the day I got arrested.

The day I kidnapped Vela, I went to the dentist that morning. I went to the dentist and they gave me laughing gas. And so my defense was like, tell them that you took the laughing gas. And I didn't do it. And I'm stupid because somebody sent me an article after I told the story before.

Yeah. But yeah, Boulder County Jail was voted amongst, fucking invix, the best jail in the state. So the scam was that people would fly to Boulder in the winter. They would bust the boulder or hitchhike the boulder, and they would get arrested there so they would be in jail for the winter. Right.

It was a scam. They knew exactly what to do that would keep them, because then they go and the guy would, can you make bail? No, okay, 180 days. See you. So it was fucking crazy. Is this for like shoplifting or something like that? Yeah, so it was they got showers, they got free cigarettes, they got cable TV.

Sounds great. And it was that if you were nonviolent like me, see, my crime was on the fence. So I could only get up to a certain level, but the dude liked me. So they put me up to level red or something, which in those days was midnight, cable TV, Monday night football, they got pizza. Wow. That's big in the joint. I could get some of that prison right now. Don, let me tell you.

No, it was a county jail. Yeah. It's like a fucking party. And that county, on Monday nights, they had like those frozen Tostino pizzas. Yeah. But when you're in county jail, that's a fucking party with Kool-Aid,

with no sugar in it, with light with the sugar, watered down like a motherfucker. Yeah. For Monday night football, I was locked up when Bo Jackson went through fucking... What sport? Monday night football.

Yeah. You're fucked. Bo Jack. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. Well, no, go ahead. Keep going. Yeah, yeah.

Bo Jackson went through the dude I did the longest yard with. Like we were all in there. Okay. For the Raiders. Oh. There was the Raiders against the Seabox. Yeah, Brian Bosworth. And he fucking ran over him.

You know, you never seen so many black dudes jumping up and down in Boulder and shit. And I was in Boulder for a month. Oh, wow. Okay. So by the first week, I was in level red talking shit. Uh-huh. And you're in there with other guys. And they tell you to shut your fucking mouth.

Okay. Because those are the same guys that you go to court. And they're like, well, you said that you mugged them. You're like, no, you didn't. Hold on. And then. That dude you were sitting next in the cell? He's a cop.

And all these people in there yakking, I wouldn't say nothing. People would ask me questions. You know, they want to see your paperwork. Right. You can see my paperwork, bro. You need to see my fucking paperwork. It was crazy. I was watching about the homeless people.

I was watching lockup on Netflix and they had this guy. I think it was in New Jersey. Had a thousand 88 arrests. Yeah. And he was just an alcoholic and meth abuser. And they said one time, the shortest he was out once was four hours. He was detoxing and didn't want to leave, so he sat in front of the intake

door until they arrested him. And he, like, a thousand arrests. Listen, man, some people, once they're institutionalized, the life becomes too real. Life becomes too real. I was locked up for a short amount of time. And I got to tell you something. That first month outside was fucking surreal.

I bet. It's a weird transition. The first transition, the first because I spent a month in county. And everybody around me knew. The town, Boulder is a big town, but it's a small town. The address came out in the papers. My name came out of the papers where I worked.

So people looked at me different. I tried to go back to the same job, and they were like, we don't think so. We're not firing you, but we think you should take a breather. So one of the managers that took a job in Long Month, and he hired me. And I was so cracked. At that time, I could sell 12,

to 15 cars just being me. Right. I went there for a month. I blanked guys. Really? I was cracked. Huh. I was cracked. I was looking at fucking nine years. What do you think if you had done like nine years and technology had changed?

What do you think happens when you do 20 years and you go in 1990 and come out 2010 and have cell phones and that's great? I don't even want to think of that. Like that, that's got to be you go insane. Yeah. You know, if somebody showed me Google or some porn site or something, and I did 20 fucking years, my brain would blow up.

Yeah. Guess what? You don't have to fucking go to the mall no more for pants. What are you talking about? What size are you? 32, 34. Come on, let's go on Amazon. What's Amazon?

Let me show you. And I belong to Amazon. I signed up for the special program. I get 24-hour delivery. Right. And the next day there's a box at your door with your clothes and your toothpaste. People couldn't handle it. I can't handle it.

I can barely handle it. And I've lived through it. That's what the beauty is, that some technology is a little too much, you know. Yeah. And it has destroyed certain things. You know, if you read Keith Richards' book, he talks a lot about how nobody makes live albums no more. Right. They forgot.

They technologically so, they put so much technology into it that they missed the whole fucking game. Right. You know. Did you see that article? I think we might have even talked about it before about that restaurant owner who looked at their security camera footage and they were getting a lot of complaints about the food and it used to be great. Nothing changed. And they found that people were spending like an hour longer because they were looking on taking pictures on their phone.

And the food was getting cold. Yeah, I read that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an old article two or three years. They had to get their pictures taken. They had to get the pictures taken eating their fancy meal. Right, yeah. It slowed the whole shit down.

Yeah. And then I don't know if you saw it, but in the New York Post this week. weekend, there was an article about how, like, the millennials are, like, the laziest generation. Like, they don't go out anymore. They don't really drink. The whole Netflix thing that you hate is what they do. And it was a, it was, like, they spent less money on alcohol than any, than ever before. They don't really binge on it. It's great. It was ever. I was telling somebody you're dead. They're officially pissies then, is what you're saying. Yeah, pretty much. But you know what the millennials like? What's that? Comedy.

They sure do. And they go out to comedy, and they don't drink and they don't stay out. And they're not drug addicts like we were. You understand me? And there's nothing wrong with that. That's what they're into. Right, yeah. You know, it's last week I went back after the fucking show, and I've talked about this a thousand times.

And it bothers the fuck out of a guy like me. I like comedy. I respect comedy. Comedy gave me my life. Comedy took me out of a fucking hole, you know, and I'm a Harrow-Ramus type of guy. Like, when I saw Harold Ramis's work, I laughed my fucking ass off.

Last night, guys, I was in my room at 10.30 on my couch with ice on my knees. My wife was in bed, and I was watching an episode of the honeymoon that I watched 500 times. Right. And it started at 10.30, and by 10.45, I had to turn it off because I was laughing and crying at the same time. Right. Crying about that. At one time, I would watch this in my mother's... us.

Like, I was a kid, and I would watch this, and I'd pick up the phone and call you, who had also seen this episode ten times before, and we'd sit there, like, two fags for a half hour, either saying the lines, like, I would go, okay, I'm Norton. Fuck you! You were Norton the other night.

Fucked this. Because I would know what night Norton shine, and you would know what night shine, you know? You know what to pick. I mean, that's how much of a fucking comedy fag I was at that. I was hooked on Gleason, Norton, the odd couple, And then we had a lineup of debt.

We had the Benny Hill show at 1030. Yeah. We had the honeymooners, the odd couple, Sanford and the Twilight Zone. When you're in high school, that's murder. That's murder as well. That's the HBO Sunday right there. That's off the hook. That was Murder's Row.

But as a comedy guy, like, I didn't know I was going to be a comedian. You think I fucking knew I wanted to do comedy? I was just a fan of it. Like, I was enamored with it. Like, if I saw you, I would go to just watch Sanford the son tonight, and you'd go, no. And I'd break the whole episode down to you. The timing, the words. Like, I fucking live for that shit.

Yeah. So last night, there's a scene where it opens up with Alice and talking to some young girl, and the girl says, it's 14. And the girl's going roller skating, and the guy's going to pick her up. And she doesn't want her father to meet the guy, so the guy will pick her up there. So the girl leaves, Ralph comes home from a hard day's word. And she starts telling Ralph that, why don't they go out and dance and go roller skating? Right.

And Rob's like, what, are you crazy or something? He starts yelling and screaming. Yeah. And then Norton comes in. But on the way out, she goes, you know, Ralph, you're so icky. And he looks and he goes, Icky. And all of a sudden he's sitting there, and Norton comes in, and he looks at Norton. He goes, Norton, he just call him Ikey.

What does Ikey mean? And Norton looks at him, he goes, it must mean fat. I busted eye right. there. Then there's a fucking scene that Ralph agree, Alice makes him feel terrible and Ralph agrees to go out dancing with her.

So he hires Norton to teach him how to dance. He puts the whole fucking suit out Ralph with the jacket, the hat. He's a beep. You know, he's saying all those sayings, I'll kiss you later, I'm eating the potato, 24 skadoo and all this shit. And Norton puts this song on

the Huckle Buck. Here's a dance you should know. And fucking Norton starts dancing, Doug. And there's a scene where he just hits his hands and starts shaking the show. See if you can find it, please, Lisa. What should I put in? Honeymooners. Okay.

Hucklebuck. There's also a jerky boys prank phone call about the Huckle Buck where he called one of the writers. And like really fucked with him. How good were the jerky boys from? I love the jerky boys. I love it. I sing along to them. Why did you do the honeymooners?

I say along with them like the first album. I played it for six months straight. Really? In my car. I didn't let me do gooey for you. Oh, the first dog. The first one, when he tells him about the furniture up his ass,

he's going to melt wax on his balls and all that. Get Brett We're here, I said. That shit killed me. That was like 94, 95. Somebody sold us a CD in college, and the guy goes, he goes, he goes, I feel bad selling this to you. He's like, you're going to be sick of it in two days.

And I've been listening for 20 years. All right. Check this out. Check out the motherfucking hucklebug. Look at Norton. I've never seen the hucklebuck. Look at his ass. I mean, Norton's goofing on the...

What do you think? Well, Ralph, I guess it's all right. You ain't exactly no ding-dung daddy from Duba. You know, this is comedy 101 in my world. Yeah, yeah, I got the night. It's going to be a big night for Alice and me, and I want to dance correctly. This is a fucking small theater across, on Broadway or something

across him an Irish bar and he would go over there and drink look at the fucking record player the Huckleback oh the Hucklebuck. This is always good for me. So you knew who was going to have the best lines

and you would work it out. Watch Norton, watch him, watch him. This is pure class, guys. Lee. It's one of those numbers that tells a story. Tell the story. Look at him.

Look at him. Go. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's supposed to do this with his wife? Well, here we go. Wait, wait, wait, until you see this move right here. Watch him.

Heat, Jack. That is heat right there. Spanish people couldn't do that in 51. This is fucking... He's supposed to just remember that shit. What cost I do? I can't do that. Listen to the record.

Listen to the music. Just do what the lurk is said on there to record. What's all you got to do? Get in it moving. Be gay. There we go. Oh, shit. Doug, this is comedy one of.

I didn't know it's going to pay off this well. This is comedy 101, dog. And look at him. 300 pounds. Look at him. You got to stand in all at CBS Studios in New York City. Are you fucking kidding? I love it.

Fuck's Saturday Night Live. Look, this is saying that lie. Right. And I water like a duck. Why, it's easy. Just walk like you always do. That's it. That's it.

There was three writers on the show. Look at Norton. Here we go. Here we go. Look at the time, Martin. Look at the time. We're gonna have this fat fuck. Look at him.

Pure brilliance guy. What are you doing? Just brushing up on a little dancing, that's all. You wanted me to be a dancer, so I'm just brushing up. Well, what is this crazy costume you wear? This isn't a costume. This is what all of us cats wear. I got it, I got it.

I'm hip, ready to go. I'm gone. You're gone, all right. It's all of this because of what we talked about last night. This is it. You could kill this. It's like one of the first shows with like a tough broad, huh? You know, like, was there really a tough broad character like her?

They had a character in mind and she auditioned for it. And the agent called and they said she was too good looking for the role. So this chick got up at 6 in the morning. I had a photographer come over and he took pictures of her. when she first got up in the morning smoking a cigarette with no makeup on they gave the pictures

to Jackie Gleason Jackie Gleason those is the girl I want awesome this is the girl I was in the office yesterday he said she was too pretty so she's a bad bitch in her own fucking way

you know what I'm saying so here she is standing up against one of the funniest TV actors in fucking history right they only shot like 21 of these episodes I mean they shot like 40 something but these these rare

ones from 15 months. They re-ran forever too, right? In New York City, they're on every night. The generations. Listen, people sit around. Like, this is what you do. The cousins come over Christmas, and you watch that Christmas. That's what you, that, you know, that, the March of the Wooden Soldiers,

that's what you've been doing since you were six. Right. Like, that's what your holidays are about when you live on the East Coast. Like, last night I was watched this, and I'm like, how many times have I seen this? It's in so many rap songs, like the references, and it's like, didn't Eddie Murphy have a spoof of it or something? Like it's so fucking prevalent.

When you're seven, this was on TV from the time I was like eight. And I kept in a secret because I didn't like black and white TV. I hated a kid. A lot of generations just don't. I was against black and white TV. The only black and white TV I liked was my, Dick Van Dyke. My favorite Martian, I fucking love, but I hate the Star Trek. Okay.

Do you see what I'm saying? Star Trek was in color? Star Trek was the beginning of Star Trek spook the shit. I dug the Twilight Zone, but you didn't have the balls to tell people. When I would spend my summers with my godmother, Raul, her husband and me would stay up all night, watching the Twilight Zone's and shit. I was like eight, this shit, we'd stay up and he'd break them down to me. And we'd talk about how it affected our lives.

It was fucking brilliant. Awesome. And then I started opening up my mind to Black and White and White. television I ended and by the time I was 10 I was addicted to the honeymoorers I was in Catholic school so I couldn't watch it during the week it came on 11 o'clock uh-huh that's what I hated about Catholic school that took the honeymooners out of me until and Saturday and Sundays they didn't play the fucking hunty right right so I would lose my fucking fucking money I would come home on Saturday and they were talking about it outside

Valentin Farrow and John Zanati and all these kids would be talking about the fucking honeymoon is how funny Ralph was and I'd be fucking so when I got out of the Catholic school That's the number one thing I did. I got cable TV in my room and watched the honeymooners every night. Guys, not even thinking of being a comedian. Just studying everything he did.

Just loving it. And going to the basketball court the next day and fucking live in the scenes. I remember still, freshman year in basketball, we would get on the number one bus from North Perkins High School to downtown,

and we do the whole odd couple beginning. And we do the whole thing and they would drive. the bus driver would pull over and say, guys, knock it off, please. Did it go over your head at that age? I'm just trying to think of myself at 10, and I think that would go over my head. No. The shows that went over my head in those days were like English shows.

I don't know what, like Mary Hartman. I still don't know what they're saying on those shows. Like those type of shows went over my head. I liked, in those days, my favorite shows were like Room 222, which you guys would never remember, the courtship of Eddie's father, which was a brilliant show, the Walton. was a brilliant show. And then when I went to Catholic school,

you had a schedule of what you watched every night. There was kind of a pseudo vote, but the vote was already in by lunchtime. You took your buddies and said, tonight we're not going to watch fucking happy days. We're going to watch WWE. And Lee would be the fucking factor, so we'd give Lee like candy.

He's a swing vote. You know what I'm saying? Or we go, Lee, we'd protect you. And Lee would go, fuck that, I don't need you guys. And then we pay somebody a dollar to kick Lee in the stomach. And then we go, Lee, you want to be protected? Yeah, okay. I'll take the first.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't last end the day in prison or Catholic school, I guess. It's funny because tonight we were watching the news before we ate dinner. And I'm a world news tonight, motherfucker, dude. Since, for 20 years. What's that? What station is that? ABC.

Okay. That's my favorite. That's the one that tells you about the world news, not fucking locally. And the first 10 minutes used to be interesting. Now it's politics every fucking night. The GOB and the BOS. Yeah. I have no idea what the fuck they're doing.

talking about so it's killed me right but they get into tornadoes tonight they had two female cops getting beat up by a dude and then a Samaritan came over they got goofy fucking stories now I forgot what I was gonna tell you I'm so high on that's all right yeah I took more than I should have but that feels good just the same you know what's that I'm really high on this marijuana right now good yeah yeah yeah yeah you're with family no it feels good we're gonna go we're delivery later we were uh we were listening to Hotel California before this and I really got in the mood for the fucking delayed back stylings

of this California lifestyle. That was such a crazy fucking album. If I thought, if I told you guys that when I was listening to this album in my mother's living room that I'd be listening to this album 40 years fucking later, I'd tell you you were crazy. Yeah. I'd tell you

you, you're crazy. Like somebody came up to me and they said, listen, 40 years from now, you're going to be listening to this album. I go, you're fucking crazy. I would hate this. I'd evolve out of this. You can't listen to it every day. But when you hear the album and it's entirely, it takes me

back. It takes me back to the living room and drinking fucking sodas and jumping up and down like an asshole and bean stone. And then about 4.45, I put cologne on. And I put Visine in my eyes and shit.

And my mother would come home and ask me stupid questions. What I'd do till I was school. Yeah. And by that point I'd be coming down. I'd just lock myself in my bedroom too. Yeah. She'd say come down for dinner

and then I'd be sober. Do you guys have any relationship? Not like the actual relationship, but with former players. Because I'm just starting to see players that I grew up with as a kid retire and start being like broadcasters. And it's weird and it's also, I like watching them on TV because when I see the, like, a lot of the ESPN coverage, they're just analysts. I mean, I never saw like Mark Schlerth play or something like that. But if you, do you see people that you played when you were a kid and you were like, oh yeah, I like, I just like seeing them talk about it because it makes me. didn't remember.

In 1984, I was three-quarters retarded. I was 21 years old. I was living in the house in. Snowmass Village, Colorado, and I was house in. Okay. Maybe a little late. I'm lying to you guys. Maybe 86.

All right. It was 86. I'm living in Boulder, Colorado, I'm 24 fucking years old. And one day just came to me. I said, well, someday Charles Bronson's going to die. And someday, Julius Irving is going to retire. And I'm going to be fucking cracked. Like, I'm going to be fucking cracked because they were of the glue all those years when I was a kid then, Black Sabbath.

Right. Like, you know, I didn't think of musically because you could always listen to the music, but these guys are going to stop making movies. I know there's, like, LeBron James. So I understand what you're saying. No, I understand what you're saying. LeBron James has been in the NBA for 14 years. Already? Yeah, he got drafted in 03.

Can you believe that? They're already talking about him, like, I, because I haven't had a cable for a while. So I was watching ESPN, and they said, like, when he, he got trapped in, he, he got to be. rest and then when he needs to he'll turn it on like he's already talking about him like he's in winding down I didn't realize this I mean I how old is LeBron James now

Let me check He was 18 when he started so he's probably 32 33 I'm not gonna do that kind of math You look it up You know I think a lot about you Matt Fultron I think a lot about you man 2004

2004 Yeah something around there And I think I met you at the store Yeah At that time, you were pushing the white shirt with the black jacket. I don't even remember what I was wearing, but there was definitely blazers involved. And I was always a fan of comedy, and I watched you. And one night you went up there, there was maybe 18 people.

But in your mind, it was the garden. Right. You know, and you just went up there with a smile on your face. And I found love with you. And there was a night there was like a priest up there, fake priest for a while. Yeah, you keep talking about that. I don't remember who that was. That was a character, somebody did?

Yeah, I don't fucking know. You track me. Right. But it's so weird that I see you now and you're in a transition in your life that I was at for like 10 years. The Feature Act. Right. Headline, a limbo. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like headlines sometimes. Yeah, like you headline sometimes. Feature mostly. Sometimes they call you like on Tuesday. Are you available tomorrow in Tampa? Right. I'll be there. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? They know I can handle the job. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny how you're in that limbo and you're just waiting for that last push. It could be a movie. It could be a special. It could be a fucking commercial.

It can be anything. You don't know what it could be. Yeah, if I was like, where's the beef? It could be that big. You know where it could be. It can be the podcast. It's in that limbo. I still remember having this conversation with Steve Ruther's easy, with you now.

It's such a fucking mind fuck because it's like turning 50. You don't know when it's going to happen, but it's going to happen. You're going to die. You know, when you get to a realm here where everybody knows who you are, casting people know who you are. Right. You just need to find out when the process. You get your foot in the door and go listen. What if I played this character and I played this motherfucker this way?

Yeah. And they got three guys. They got to pay $15 million store already. And they were thinking of another guy. So that would make their budget $60 million. But you know what? That guy, or maybe that guy was worth $3 million. That guy wouldn't change the fucking dimension.

You go in there with a different perspective on the character. Jay Moore has done it. There's a lot of comedians who have gone in there and changed the whole thing. perspective of a movie. That's where you're at right now. Sure. You're right there. You know, you can be put on

that Chris Rock tour. You know what I'm saying? It's all a possibility. Yeah. Like, I was in that position for fucking years. I still am. Where you're waiting for the fucking doorbell to ring. Right.

Like, you're waiting for your ship to come in and roles, movies are getting made, and you're like, I could have played that. Yeah. I could have done this this way. How would wish I would have known about it? I wish I would have known about Narcos. I would have gone on Narcos.

and talk to mean fucking Spanish game. Right. Fuck you. I would have definitely got a passport for Narcos. I'd move to Columbia. I'd come back 90 pounds lighter and shit. Talking Colombian shit. Yeah, I would have gone out, you know,

the host who later went to play the host in Celia Cruz, the one family cousin, the one that left with the sister-in-law, the chubby dude that was an informer at first, and he worked for Pablo. I can work that fucking role. Yeah, sure. Right.

You know me. I'm an animal. Of course. So I know, like, I was in that position from, you got to remember, dog, the longest yard made me headline for about 10 weeks. Uh-huh. But I didn't sell no, no, it was longest yard people. Right. It was, no, no, no.

It was Adam Sandler people. Uh-huh. And after they saw my act, they were very disgruntled. Really? They stopped trying to book you Oh my God Let's hear it The movie comes out

That's the best way to say it ever The movie comes out in May of 2005 And it's a great premiere Everybody's happy It comes out to number two of the weekend I lost to Chris Rock's movie Which Chris Rock was in two movies At the same time

One was number one And one was number two And he beat us by like maybe three or four million We were cracked Like I was cracked Like I wanted to talk some shit shit at the store. What the fuck have you done and shit? I'm in a movie that's

number one and shit, you know what I'm saying? So, what the fuck was I going to say? Okay, so I'm, Lee, nothing happens. The movie comes out Memorial Day weekend, nothing happens. Not a fucking, not a tinkle. Not even a fucking

birthday card, nothing. Not even a fucking nothing. By August, I'm scratching. By August, I'm scratching my head. I'm like, should I just put on my jersey and walk around? Right. Like, should I just be an asshole? My buddy would call me and go Comic-Con, come down, put your shirt on.

Right. And get $10 a picture. I go, I got a little bit more class than that shit. Right. And I'm one of those guys. I write it didn't work out for me. And one day I got a call. I ain't doing Joey Diaz, whatever.

Dasp.N. Radio, New York. We're putting together a longest yard show. And we're going to fly you out and put you up and give you a couple yardsticks and you do this show at the comic strip in New York. we're going to advertise it on the radio the whole fucking Shazan. Okay. So it was me...

Jesus. You guys know I got a great memory. I forget this whole thing. The only thing I remember, you know, who showed up? Who? Who was in the movie with me? And he showed up to watch me. And we became friends during the movie.

Solid guy. But here I am in New York City. My friends are in the audience. And who comes to see me about the guy from the Warriors? Warriors. The movie? Yeah, come out and play. He's in the longest yard. Okay.

And our trailers are right next to each other. Right. He's almost, like, I learned from him. There's something like when you meet somebody and you go, oh, shit. Yeah, they're knocking it out of the park. That's how it's done. That's why that dude was opposite Eddie Murphy. That's why that dude was phenomenal in the crow.

Right. That's why that dude, every performance he's in from the Warriors, he's who he is. Yeah. And I watched what he did. He always trained karate with the same guy. A little Chinese guy in the village. He lives in New York City. He bought the fucking Redstone that he grew up in.

He trained karate in front of you? No, no, no. He would do forms at the fucking thing. Everybody thought he was crazy. But I got where he was coming from. He was a sweetheart of a guy. Bro, he would tell you things while you were acting. Really?

Change your world. That's funny because I love him in the Warriors. I love the Warriors. No, no, no. Dog, you know, I tell this story. He got the Warriors because a friend of his told him, can you cover for me in a play? Oh, really?

He went in there, Walter Hill was in the audience, offering him to fucking roll, made him audition back. When he first moved to New York from Michigan, he moved to the Bronx in 68. Yeah. There was no long-head people. Those people, those are times. I'm like, long-head people.

He went upstairs. And he said that he'd be in his apartment sleeping and guys would be banging bottles out of, side going dirty hair come out and play hey and that's where he got that so you understand like sometimes in life you borrow

shit it just comes up right when you need it yeah when I just comes out of the shot because Serrano and Major League were a jock you like Major League you never watch him yeah yeah yeah I've watched it I love that I love that greatest stories of all time but there's a Cuban dude there's the voodoo

yeah the voodoo like a superstitious guy yeah one scene he's got a jock When the owner comes in. So we had our locker room scene. I said, I'm Cuban. Let me do what Serrano did. That's why I wore a jocke in that scene. Fuck yeah.

You learned from other people. Yeah, absolutely. So I learned that from him. He was always on time. He always knew his lines. He always came prepared with two takes on every scene. Really? So he demanded that.

Yeah, he would tell you that one. How are you doing this? Listen, listen, how we're going to do this shit. He goes, we're going to do it your way, your way, and then we're going to do one for me. And then we're going to do one for me. throw away that's awesome and he would bang it and you look up and go holy fuck how did he come at that role from that direction right and i knew i could never be that good that was 20 years of

theater sure films opposite people and he knew people and this is what he did though he was a he loved it yeah he told me one time i don't do tv for you for me to tell you that's like i don't do the road yeah i don't do tv right that's where you major guises you do you do a couple shows you get residuals to fucking 38. Yeah. You get residuals to fucking tomorrow land. When you're 80, you get a residual because somebody in China. Yeah.

Ordered on a fucking paid TV or something. So, you know, he didn't do TV. I didn't like it. But I recently saw him on something, so things are bad all over. TV's different now. I recently saw him on CW playing like a fucking devil on one of those shows. So things are bad all over. You need that pension.

Sometimes. People need that pension and shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. TV is, like, more sophisticated than movies right now anyways. and actors are more interested in doing TV, I think. Well, because the movie bit, listen, first off, this is easy as shit. So let's cut it out.

Let's cut the fucking games out. The beauty about that you do the math, okay, that becomes a time you don't become that much of a draw anymore. And a producer from CBS Comsteen and says, listen, man, you can be a great cop on this show. Starting a salary, 17-5, you shoot 12 episodes your first year. The show becomes a hitly. You come back. You're at 22. Starting salary.

You come back. You're at 37,5. You come back. You're at 50 G-Bos an episode. Dog. And now it goes into episode six. You're at 62,000. You know, those guys, remember, every time the episode plays, you get Getus.

And when the series ends, you get Getus. So a lot of these guys are like, yeah, let me do TV. It's a security. You see these people who go from show, how much money do you think the chick from Seinfeld has? How many shows? I have no idea. I just watched the other day.

She made me laugh my ass off on Vee. She's great. She really is great. Yeah. At first I'm like, ah, she's washed up. I got to be honest. I reverse my decision.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She fucking cracks me up and Vip. Now I watch it. She cracks me a fuck up. Yeah. She still got it, man. And I watched that movie the other day.

Let me tell you something. None of her movies are home runs, but I can't stop watching it I love that fucking girl who? The little girl from Saturday Night Live with the blue glasses that plays the fucking congresswoman

or the president to be what's her name Lee you went to the movie when she plays sisters Tina Fey Tina Fey yeah yeah dog I was watching a movie of her

where she sold her she bought eggs she bought eggs and Greg Cadiz in the movie and shit I love Tina Fay I couldn't take my eyes off her when people talk shit

on people like this serious there's people I love Don't fuck with them. Right. Like, I would make a movie with Tom Cruise and Tina Pfe. Of course. I love Tom Cruise. No doubt about it.

The Scientology with me, I look at the other way with Tom Cruise. I'm not bringing it up. I'm a hypocrite. I look the other way. When I see Tom Cruise and Collado, listen, if you walk into the Scientology Temple, I love you. You know what I'm saying? It's a beautiful building. It's a beautiful building.

Bro, Scientology's in trouble. Was that? Was that real? They're putting more money into... I don't know if that was fake Facebook stuff, so I don't want. I didn't. The one in Tennessee? Oh, no.

What happened? Listen, dog, that's redneck country. That's Bible Belt. They put those motherfuckers in jail. They put Scientologists in jail? No. For being Scientologists? No.

What happened? Some guy went in there and he wanted to cleanse his soul and he wanted to pay it and they kept him in there for nine months against his will. Holy shit. And he got a cell phone and he called the cops and the cops came and they were living on trailers with blankets and shit. Dude. So they arrested everybody. And this is Tennessee.

This isn't California. Right. And they're like, oh, yeah, Scientology. So now I read this thing on the night that they want demand Trump to go after Scientology for back taxes. Uh-huh.

Like, that's the new fucking thing I read the other day. Like, they want Trump to go after Scientology for back taxes. Too much money. That they would just cripple. You think so? Yeah, it would just. There's no way. There's too much money behind it.

Don't they have billions? and what isn't that isn't that a scientology building on Burbank? Did you see what they did that? That's humongous. Why do you think they put $4 million on that corner? Sales. No. They're about to fucking, well, sales, yes.

But they're about to rebuild this whole neighborhood. They're about to retake this whole fucking neighborhood. You have to be a Scientologist now, Lee. In five years, you won't be able to live in this neighborhood. Neither will I. Nope. they're about to blow I told John Bud over at VMAQ

I said John If I was you I started thinking about the future He goes why I go You see how much money Scientology spent on your corner He goes I saw that I go for them to spend the small 5 million Something's gonna happen up here Yeah

And all that part of North Hollywood That looks like it's 1951 still Right It looks like it's 1950 fucking woman Absolutely yeah And it's not even attractive anymore Like the only thing that I go up there for It's to go to the martial arts supply store.

Yeah. Because Bruce Lee used to go in there. So at least give him the first shot. Like, I got nothing to do sometimes at daytime. I go up there on a Tuesday and walk around, look at swords like an asshole and kicking gear. Do I buy something? I buy a mouthpiece for 10 for just walking around like a mobile in your store. You know what I'm saying?

I'll buy a shoelace for a fucking punching bag or something. Who's stuffing you? Yeah, no. But the place is fucking legit. You know, and there sometimes Gene LaBelle is in there. You know, I don't say two words. I just mingle, look at the Bruce Lee's shit I look at the pads, I look at the fucking

mingle in this, I don't know what is mingling I mean in the store, I've never mingled in the store. You know what it means, you hang out for a little bit. Listen, blee, I grew up on Black Belt magazine and in there there'd be a section and it would be Honda martial arts supplies in the city. So during the week I go to fucking karate

and on Saturdays, me and eight little karate gangsters that did not smoke pot, some of them were Christians, some of them didn't curse, we'd take a bus into the city and we'd go to Honda martial arts

apply in the middle of New York City in 1975 10, 15, 10, 11 and we'd lie to our mothers

and tell her we'd go to a karate tournament in the Bronx and we'd go to the city and we'd fucking go to

the seventh floor and it was like heaven when you were a kid right like it was a warehouse floor with glass

and everything was in glass casings to really how much is that 1099? I'm going to have to come back I'm not to save for three weeks

and get the paper route and shit like we'd buy the iron palm technique like we'd get the bag and get the juju juice and we'd do the iron palm technique like assholes because in those days there was a movie that the guy would go like this and his palms would get red

and then he'd fuck you up with the palm of death and shit we'd go over there and buy like geese and we buy like headbands and the things that you hold and punched them a wooden and it's a pad and we beat them until our knuckles would bleed because they were leather we were lunatics though

lunatics what did your mom think that you were just like terrible at karate you never want a medal I went to karate every night from the time I got from the time I moved from the time I was six the time I got head in the head with the lunchbox as soon as the stitches came out

maybe two weeks after that I was putting karate and I started going with three days a week and my behavior so they started to put me in there five days a week and I got kicked in the stomach one time so hard by a fat kid he knocked the air out of me

dog I didn't go to karate for like two fucking days I was petrified and then I said fuck it I went back and I learned how to kick and you know like something woke me up yeah and I went in there and I liked it guys and there was a bunch of geeks and we go there and Saturdays and mop the fucking thing but you know what I wasn't

getting in trouble then yeah you'd wear black ghee with a fist on the fucking thing and it said goju and I'd be training with black dudes and shit and then we moved to Jersey and I joined this other place, Fu Jiao Pai Kung Fu but I couldn't do all that stuff flying

through the air so I didn't really like it my friend went to karate. My friend went to karate the traditional karate so it was like Gush and Roo karate and I started going down there and I went and those days guys it started at 4 and you stayed there until 7, 8 o'clock at night

because your goal was to be 10 or 11 but to be let into the 13 year old class and that's where you got the shit knocked out of you but you got better quick once you got in that class and you were doing good you'd do good in tournaments that were 11 year olds so that's what we did we'd stay there sweep the floors

we thought the master was real we'd bow and shit I know but that's what I'm saying like you said you went to these tournaments but then he went and did all that other stuff didn't your mom ever think like he's going all this time. Why isn't he winning any medals and any?

No, no, no, no. I used to bring home trophies in those days. Okay. I was just thinking about my little karate. My favorite one ever was from the last karate tournament I won form. It was like a two-foot trophy. I won Kata. And that was February 19th,

1979. I still remember that trophy being in the middle of the mantle. I was proud of it. I had a few medals. had a few smaller trophies. I got a skateboarding trophy that I still got. Did you? First place, Virt, Pax River, Maryland.

What's up? It was the summer I learned the invert, man. I was unstoppable. Plus, only two other people entered the contest. You still write the skateboard from time to time. From time to time. It's been a year. Like, I got it on my resume as an actor,

so if they, like, hit me up, I got to make a demo tape real quick, and I'm fucking dying, falling on the ground lay on this skateboard. just to get like 30 seconds of footage. I'll show you after, though. I can't. I'll shove it in a kickflip in this footage. No way.

And then I went into the room, the audition room, and I did 360s, which I didn't even think I could do. But I just fucking went for it. Didn't get the job. But at least it got me back on the skateboard. That was cool. It's the moral to that story. I can't even do a kickflip with like those hand skateboards. Well, that's a lot harder than actually doing a kickflip.

Really? I have no balance. Well, I can't do it with my fingers either. Okay. Nor do I know anyone that really can't. Joe, the audience misses you big time. Who? The audience.

They drop a fucking audition on you at 10 o'clock at night. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. At least you don't have to do any skate footy, you know? I never skateboarded. I hate that shit from day one. Thank you, son. Look at you.

It's beautiful. Yeah, I got a fucking audition. I want to be around. It's going to be a whole other life for you, Joe. This could be the one. Somebody brings your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I... There's definitely THC in that candy you gave me.

I don't think so. No, I'm telling you. You guys need to re-examine the product. I feel slightly out of it. That's what I gave it to you for. Do you hear this song? Do you guys hear this song? No, what's on?

Who'll leave you? Look at least, like, cracking funnies on pool, Matt Fultron and shit. The fuck is going on here. I did that prank one time when a kid. He lost his mind. And that's funny. Danny Bioncule or just posted a picture of the kid. His name is Kurt D Lorenzo.

One night we were fucking high as fuck on acid. I mean, we were burning. Right. That's when acid would burn. Like, I would love. look at Lee and Lee would be purple. Would you be scared of Lee? No, we would like to look at each other for a few minutes

and then we'd giggle because we were both looking at the same thing. We were both looking at the same thing, you know? The same horrific purple person. It was three of us. It was me, Kurt D. Lorenzo and this kid Louis Castellino. I can go to this movie. I forget. We went to see like the pink floor. We were on fire. Right.

At that time, I was eating double barrel sunshine. That was like, uh, I got I got acid in East Stroudsburg. And from the time to time, the one guy would take me in the back room and go, listen, what I'm about to give you, if you don't think people can handle it, don't give them this. Okay. And I go, how good is it? The guy would go, shh.

I told you, Lee, these guys were 24. If I was 16, these guys were maybe, if I'm exaggerating, 23. I didn't ask questions. They gave me a great deal on that. I would walk in there with $400 and walk out of there with a box of goodies. And they had the campus police on the payroll. These kids were geniuses. They said, fuck school.

We're going to make fucking shit in our basement. Right. And they were making black beauties. No, no, no. The black beauties that were blunt. They were buying pharmaceutical black beauties on the fucking off market and selling it to me. They were probably buying them for a quarter apiece and selling them to me for 50 cents a piece. I could get a dollar for those things.

Like, these kids were geniuses. They knew, listen, we'll keep our prices low. But you buy only for much. Right. You show up every fucking Saturday. And I guess they did something. They were geniuses because every day of the week, they had different people coming to different places.

They would never go to the same place the same time, but it was always on campus. Because they had campus police sealed off. They were fucking geniuses. I forget what their names were. don't matter. They're probably happier that way. But from time to timely, I would go, then he'd go.

He called me, uh, go-co something. He was a white kid from fucking Brooklyn. But like he loved the whole Spanish culture, and that's how we attracted. The other dude was just a white Jewish dude. Uh-huh. And they were both like, what's the biggest thing you could be,

like a chemistry major? But they figured out how to make ludes. Mm-hmm. And they figured out how to make different types of acid. And they were cooking. Guys, these guys have nailed it. And every week you met them, they always had something different.

Blotter acid, four-way acid, liquid acid. They always had something, but every once in a while, they put you in the other room and go, listen, I can only give you 100 hits of this for a certain reason. I'm going to give you this for $4 a piece. You're going to get 10. They're going to end up in the hospital

if they're not right. It's like they would tell you, if they're not psychologically right, don't want them this shit. Don't give them this shit. shit. He's going to go Sid Barrett on your ass. And I would rip half to piece.

I would take 50 in the Gronillo brothers. And they would eat that sheet in two days of camping the Colangelo brothers. Finally, Steve ended up stabbing himself in 82 on a camp in trial. Not on my assid. God, God, God, God, thank God that didn't come to me that weekend. But he was on stable. I was out of you. I was going to ask you what you don't know what your vetting process was acid.

I was out of the acid game. By that point, it used to be, listen, I swear to my mother's grave and I'll get Timmy Rush to call in you. When I was in high school, on Friday nights, I had to be 16. Calangelo had to be 18. He was a sophomore by that point. What? Oh, my God.

He's an 18-year-old sophomore? Oh, hysterical. He was writing his own notes when the teachers would go, why were you absent yesterday? Give me a note. I'll whip one up in a minute. Calangelo was the real deal. Yeah. So it was him, his brother, and Teta.

And Calangelo was a big kid, but his brother was a fucking pro bodybuilder. Okay. And he was yoked. And that meant he was yoked on the goods all the time. And then they had with this other dude that was dangerous to his name was Teta. He was just dangerous. And these guys, I swear in my mother's grave, would buy 100 sheets of acid, 100 hits of acid on a sheet.

Oh. And they'd go camping on a Friday and come back on Sunday. Wait, wait, wait. They'd buy 100 of 100? They'd buy 100 hits. Okay. So three of them would disappear into the woods on Friday, and they'd come back Sunday, and the acid was gone. Wow.

They'd eat, they'd eat, they'd eat. 33. 33, it's an acid. Oh, Jesus. Christ, man. And they would burn. Like, they would tell me the stories that they were black out and lose each other and shit. They had to call the ambulance on time.

What the fuck are they? And helicopters. But years later, they were getting high somewhere, and the brother stabbed himself in the stomach. They lived. Yeah, on 11 hits of acid. the night, you're going to do that to yourself. You fucking believe that shit. At that time, I could do like three hits of acid.

Oh, my God. I don't know acid. I've never done this acid. It's fun, but I can't even imagine driving to go get it. Like, I only want, like, I only do what you don't like. Like, I don't like it that much to, like, go, like, it's crazy. Believe the shit I've given you. Yes. First of all, I've always taken care of you. You have.

And I, I've, I'm a bullshit of you of what I'm giving you. I don't think so. But I bullshit, no, because if I gave you what I'm supposed to give you, you wouldn't be sitting there no more. You'd just be getting out of the psych ward. That's what you're supposed to get. You'd be like the fucking lieutenant and the Pink Panther. Remember the Pink Panther drove him so crazy?

He went to the psych ward for like a fucking year. And then he came out and the Pink Panther would sneak up on him from time to to time to apologize. He would freak out and shit. Lee, that's what you would end up. I would give, Lee, when I was doing acid, I would take it at 8. and by 11 o'clock, I'd just go into this fucking A's. Is this PM or AM?

This is Pia. Okay. And I wouldn't come back into focus until about 1.1.30. And then I know who the fuck I am, but I'd still be tripping. Right. Like, you lose yourself for three hours late. Huh. Like, you'd call me the next thing and say, where did we go?

You don't remember we're in front of 7-11 laughing at the lady with the one lady at that night that they pulled up with you. Did that happen? Oh, me. Mother poor lady. We pulled up. Was that a hallucination? No, but that's the type of shit that happens. Yeah.

Like, Lee, you want to walk over there and drive it? Let's walk over there. And then you walk to 7-11. It's real. The lights up. Yeah. It's like that scene and go. What do you do with the eyes?

I'm always worried about my eyes. Nothing. You just fucking don't make direct eye contact, but very briefly. Be shifty. Be shifty. And untrustable. Yeah. We're paying cash.

We're going to pay. And now we've got to walk. walk out of there. You know, there's people that live in those parks waiting for guys like you and me to be walking by. The people, the cops have to go on that park at night because they got a lot of homeless crazy people. They're looking like a bottle of beer. So just to go to that 7-Eleven and walk back to the office, Lee, and then we go to the fucking diner and order food and we can't eat it,

and we just stare at each other. And we laugh at the waitress and somebody will come over and ask us for $2. Oh, no, no, no, no. The last time I took out, Ari would ask it one of the last time. We went down to a concert. We were too cheap to buy tickets. Yeah. So we ended up going to a diner, eating food, and we just stared at it. What's that food where everybody goes for the dip sandwich, Philippe?

Yeah. Went to Philippe. Yeah. We just sat there. You just sat there. Yeah. You think it's safe to go home yet. And we got on the train back to LA.

And then we got home and some movie was on about a bounty hunter, the chick with Mickey Roark. We watched that on the way down. That was the wrestler. No, that's not the fucking wrestler. He's not a bounty hunter. He's a wrestling. The fucking wrestler.

That's a matter with you. You know what's the matter with me. I'm on your pills, man. I'm on your fucking candy. Fuck you. I'm out of my mind. It's Monday night. You better eat the other half.

I'll be sobering up around on Milwaukee. You got to eat the other half. Oh, I'll eat that a little bit later, Joe. Let me get through this first. Oh, Lee, you still got the pink eye. That's okay. No, you got to eat this for you for later. There's a nightcap.

You know what is that? What is that to? I have no idea. That's probably the stuff he got in whatever. This is victim of we. This is 25 fucking milligrams. I've had enough to listen. You should have that right now.

This is a gum ball. You should have it right now. Oh, I'm not going to have it. That's for you to do. This is a gum ball, Lee. I don't want gum right now. All right. Don't give you the option.

Your breath would be your breath, dude. Someday you're going to be on island. Your plane's going to go down. You're going to be on island walking around like the survival. You're the only surviving. You're going to wish you had a fucking 35 milligram edible. You're going to go right now, I can go for that 35 milligram edible. I feel like I want a little bit more than.

You will regret this, man. Oh, my goodness. I'm happy you can't. month. That's good. We're working together in Milwaukee. Detroit.

Where are we playing in Michigan? Michigan? We're at the magic hat or something like that theater in Ferndale, motherfucking Michigan.

And Wednesday night we're at the Turner Ballroom, the Turner Hall ballroom in Milwaukee. One show, bab boom, b'bim.

We're out of that. No more drum. We're going to go eat Italian food. That's going to be great. In the Italian neighborhood, maybe you get a meatball sandwich.

That's what I'm going to do. Yeah. Something. You know what I'm saying? Lissayette? You bad motherfucker Lisa is going to be buying a car on Saturday I'm not buying a car

He's co-signing and shit No I'm not You're buying your girl a car No I'm not You might as well buy it under your name What are you doing? What are you doing? What's you doing?

My girl's buying her first car And I'm going with her You're co-signing He's co-signing You're buying a car She won't need to She has good credit You just bought a car

He's co-signing He's co-signing It's fine Everything can be fine But you're co-signing for a car I'm not going for a car What are you doing that I'm going with her

I'm just going with her to be there Oh You'll negotiate This I think this place This is another one of those No negotiating places But listen You can still negotiate

You're a Jew And you're a Jew And you're not gonna bring him Tell her to show up with five yard sticks And so Tell them not to say a fucking word They're gonna handle the whole fucking thing And you walk in there

You go I want to buy this goddamn car I'd love to see that. I'm giving you a nickel under the fucking price. I'd love to see you do that way. Well, you buy this car today and you start going here for $700. You just said five. Would you do five? Yeah, I'll do five.

Okay, well, hold on one second. Let me talk to my wife in Spanish. And they make believe, then you come back and go down my wife someone at $6. She saw a car over at CarMax and they'll do it over there for this price. All right, we're going to sell you the car. What about the little dent in the head? Fuck it. We'll take the car it is.

She could drive to Van Nuys with Dents in the fucking car. Who gives a fuck? And two weeks are going to steal the fucking thing anyway. We'll be back here through Enterprise. This is you tomorrow, Lee. I want you to say exactly that. If you're Jewish, Lee, you always have to go shit. You don't buy nothing as is, Lee.

All right? You always got to go in there. You always got to ask for something. It's 2017. They ain't making cars like they used to. I want to ask for extra cup holders or something? No, no, no, no. Listen, let me talk to you.

Before we do this, this isn't my wife. I love him. I'm going to marry. We're going to move back to Mexico before Trump builds a war. and I want to take this car. Listen to me, I'm not giving you 11-5 for the fucking car. I called my bank. Yeah, well, banks don't sell cars.

We sell cars. I understand, sir. But this is the serious here, okay? You cannot get 11-5 for that car. I'm going to offer you 10-5 for the fucking car. And you start from Natalie. I can't do it for 10-5. Listen, let me talk to my wife.

You go over to yellow and the Spanish, maybe give her a backhand, and then come back and talk to the fucking do it again. It's the American way. She used to be crying for extra? Would you buy the car today? And you go, yeah, but you got to give me $750 off. You just said a nickel.

Now you start confusing. No, I said $750 American dollars. You're talking pesos. You looked at my wife when you're fucking, are you racially profiling? Let me call the fucking Ju-Joo Jew Association of America. And I'll get you on fucking ABC News and see how funny it is then.

All right, all right, all right. I'll give me the $750. Don't call nobody. I ain't going to call nobody. Tomorrow, man, you got all that, right? You can do that, right? Because it's going to be 11-5 plus warranty, plus this, plus that. It's looking like it's going to be probably a lease.

They have some really good lease deals. And then she gets the student one? We're not sure. The student one might only be if you buy it, so that it just depends on what you decides to do. It's either the good lease dealer or... But it's not that. It's like $500 or $700 usually, which is nice. It's like that good down payment.

buying a car is very stressful. And it's terrible. And the thing about buying a car today is why a lot of people say selling cars is very hard because people don't go in there and they already know their prices. Right. So before you go in there, researchally, you love all this shit. No, no, but you love all this shit. I don't know who to contact.

I wish I could help you. I only have one guy that I know that if you like a car there, if you call me, we'll go up there together. And he'll cut the deal that'll make your hairstand up. If she wants, okay, I'm sure she would like something from there. If she likes a suit, like a small suit. She likes anything. She wants the cheapest deal she can get you. As long as it's automatic.

Don't put an American car because she needs a car. No, she likes Toyota. She likes Honda. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I got another against American cars. Honda, every Honda has a backup camera now. Every Honda. That's good, right?

That's good, right? That's crazy. Yeah. To me, oh my God. I forget I have it, and I go look at it, and it's fantastic. Yeah. It really is a different world. That yellow line means stop the fucking car.

Right. You pop, blah, bah, whew, and you're in the fucking parking spot like a doctor. Yeah. And when you're stoned, that thing comes in handy. Absolutely. I wish we were done all the time, though. Like in the front? All sides.

Yeah. So do you have an agent here theatrical? Can we start getting out on the issue? Yeah, man, I got a theatrical agent. So get them on the phone. Say, look, this is five. fucking Matt full charge, bark a little bit. And say, I want to start going on on co-stars.

I'm a comic. I'm out here. I need fire coming at me for four different directions. I got the podcast. I need a couple of this. I need that. Do you ever do that? Do you ever call people up and tell them to get off their ass?

You have to get, what agency do you with? There's some thing called Elevate, which actually is a lot of comics there that you would know. But it's nothing, forgive me, but it's nothing special. Hmm. I don't know what they're really capable of. Well, listen, you want to have a personal relationship with them, but you don't. Well, I just fucked that up, didn't I? You got to go to lunch with them from time to time.

You've got to always be in their eye. If you're doing a show, make a flyer, send it to them. So there's ways to fuck with them. You don't have to go down there and smack motherfuckers and sit down the chair. There's different ways to get people involved. If they don't respond to that, then you've got to cut them loose and look for somebody else because you can't live in Los Angeles. Like pretty soon, I'm going to make a call for Lee.

I got to call a friend of mine. In fact, I've been playing phone tag with them. Commercials. Yeah. I'm talking to people, and they're like, dog, the money today in L.A., the little money there is, is non-union commercials. Really? Non-union.

Non-union like a motherfucker. Oh, my God. That's the word in the second. That's the word on the street right now. They just pay a lot of money. up front then, right? Yeah, they let you know exactly what they're going to pay you. There's no fucking monthly fees.

You're not going to get a check in the mail nine months. Yeah. What they do is they go, Lee Syatt, you're going to play a fucking barber. It's going to run national and internationally. We're going to give you 17-5 and go fuck yourself. And one day you're going to wake up and you're going to get postcards from fucking Canada going. This thing's been playing 10 times a day. So there's a downside to it.

Right. And there's, for a while, you're going to get a while. you feel violated. You know, like these dudes are fucking making back on my shit. But how long does it take to shoot that kind of commercial? Three days, and since it's nine union, you shoot like an animal.

They shoot like animals. But, you know, because a lot of work is non-union now, I guarantee the non-union work they treat people a little better, you know. I don't know, I'm not in that game, but from speaking to different people, bumping into friends of mine from

10 years ago that I was seeing auditions, people like I'm thinking of going non-union. Like there's a part in the union and sag that there comes a time where you can go world, it's called something. Uh-huh. It's called like worldwide or some shit. Which means that you work,

but it doesn't go towards your pension. Okay. So it's a win-lose situation. So if I come to you and I go, listen, I have a non-union project. You're going to make $300,000 in 11 months, but you're going to have to shoot in Bulgaria. Okay.

All right? I'm listening. Boom. You get $150 after 10 episodes and $150,000. I guess you pay a little tax in Bulgaria, but the rest goes to you. You know what I'm saying? But if that show becomes Seinfeld in Bulgaria. That's it. That's it.

But a guy like you would do comedy shows in Bulgaria. Right. And charge $5,250 at the door and get Lee to play the violin. I'm ready. I'm ready for all this to happen. Lee, are you ready to do your part? I'm ready to be a star in Bulgaria. The only commercial audition I've gotten in the last year, they told me.

me exactly what they were going to pay me and what they wanted me to do. I remember looking at it and going, that's fucking crazy. That this is what they're doing with the commercial auditions. The commercial auditions used to be like shooting craps.

You didn't know. You went to them because you had nothing to do. Right. You had nothing to do that day. They just called everybody in. Yeah, they called everyone in. You know what? I got them to do at 3.30 on a Thursday after them.

You got to go. And you go down there and you bump into R. sure oh you bump into eight dudes from the store and two comedians and blah blah blah blah blah and I got this and I got that and you start and this guy goes that they call you in for this so sometimes by going to an audition you bump into somebody who gives you information about another job yeah so you know in those days I would always go to those fuck down

like they were never strenuous for me I would just wrap my day around if it was 11 o'clock where was the audition boom marina del Rey there's a pizza joint down there that opens up at 1115 felt like you did something. Yeah, man. So you make a little fucking day. Now I can't do that. I don't get those type of auditions.

Right. I get auditions to go to fucking Gower at 4 in the afternoon. That's what I want to do. That's what I want to fucking do. You know what I'm saying? Go to Gower Gulch? Yeah, go to Goward Gautz to fucking at 4 in the afternoon. Uh-huh.

You come out of there into fucking death traffic right there on Coinga. That's what you want to fucking do. But I'm still fortunate I'm getting auditions. Yes, you are. You're on TV tonight, though. Can you believe that shit? I can't. You're a talented motherfucker.

No, no. You're a funny motherfucker. You know, man, this was the first time ever. It's so... They called me in like two months ago for something else, and I went in there, and I actually bent over and showed him my ass, and I knew I had the room.

Like, I knew when I walked out of the room that this wild card is perfect for the show. Yeah. You know, that's what they look at sometimes. Right. It's how crazy you are and what you're willing to do in that fucking room. And they called as I was getting in the Uber

to leave town. I go, you guys got to the time. get to LAX to let me know what you want to do. Right. And they call back and they go, no, we're going to rewrite you a row. Go on your trip, enjoy yourself. When I came back, I go, that's going to be in the year 2019. They called a week later.

So, but Mars is on there. Cool. The one kid we know from the store, the young kid comes in there. Yeah. So they all put words in for me. So, you know, it's nice to be in town for 20 years. I know Maz how fucking long. Yeah, just that long, man.

I remember him late 90s at the comedy store. And we would sing while he was on stage and shit. Majubani, Mahzubani, Majubani. He would go, he'd be fucking, he'd be doing, he'd be on like his seventh minute. And I'd walk by and see he was on stage. And I'd creep up the stairs. I'd sit down. And I'd wait until he took a breath on stage.

And I'd go, Majubani, Mahjubran. And all of a sudden he'd start dancing. Hey, hey. And then he would do like three more minutes. And I'd busted out again. Ma's Jubrani. Ma's Jubrani. And he would dance along and he never got mad at me.

He was always, always been funny, man, since the first time I saw him. He's funny and warm. Like, I remember late night, Sunday nights there with him getting tanked. Yeah. Like, I was a mess on Sunday nights. Sunday nights have always forever will be my favorite fucking night of party. Still? No, now.

What do I do? Good thing we're coming home on Sunday, I eat a lollipop on a Saturday on a Sunday night with my kid. That's as crazy as I get. Sure. You know? But Sunday nights used to be your thing. But I grew up in a culture with Sundays, and especially September once football came. You start early.

You start early. You start early. So I came from that culture in North Bergen with those motherfuckers on Sundays. Their shit started at 10. If they were going to a game, their shit started at 9. I'm not talking about a few. beers. I'm talking about a few bumps, a half a lude.

Wait, and I'm talking about, like, high school games? No, no. What games are they going to see? I'm talking about going to see the giants. Okay, thank God. You mentioned taking Coke to see a high school game? I thought they're getting pumped up to go see a little, like, brooch and eyes. Listen, if I know anything about my hometown, there are people who get high and go to those fucking games. Yeah. Get the ecstasy. We're going to the volleyball match.

It's crazy. There's people who still live in high school. You know that in every town. Sure. You go to a game and they're there with the hat on, talking about 1984. How they made the tackle against Canada. And you're like, oh, my God. Stays to confuse the movie come to life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So no. That culture, that early morning Sunday culture where you get together at 12, and by 1 o'clock somebody's tapping it on the shoulder. And before you leave the house, you're like, I'm just going to go out to have a few beers. Yeah. That's how fucking stupid but intelligent but stupid. You are at the same time. Right.

Like, I'm believing on a Sunday on. I'm going to go see what's going on. I've got to work tomorrow at 8. I'll come home like a 5. Got there. You drank a fucking beer. Yeah. And you did like two or three vodka fucking orange juices.

Two or three. And by the third vodka. It's like work. And by the third, somebody comes up to your tap you on the hand and goes, absolutely. And you're like, fuck yeah. $25. All right.

You give them $25. And next thing you know, you're doing little bumps. Right. Right. And the only thing you're sitting there money in your own business, you're having the best buzz of your life. You could go home.

Right, absolutely. You could go home. You could go home. You got the energy for it too. You can go home, jerk off twice and go to bed. Come once. And nobody knows nothing.

I wake up like a four in the morning and drink coffee and tip top, Magoole, you're out there with a bowl of fucking honey loops, whatever the phone table. Like an upstanding citizen. But out to about three, four drinks. Got a couple bumps in here. Here comes Johnny Dealer

with a big bag. He stayed in Friday night, so he's way behind his payment schedule. Which means savings for you. So he bumps in to you and all of a sudden he starts giving you fucking taste of that fucking voodoo. And it's four or five 30 in the afternoon. You're sitting there. You can't talk. Yeah.

What's that like? What the fuck do you think it's like this right now? No, no, no, no, no. Guys, we're having fun. Right. This is when you're log, Jordan. you're at the bar you just got your eyes

on the screen and you don't want to even take your eyes off the screen because life is real and you're fucking coked up to the gills the coke is dripping down your fucking throat

you're inhaling it you're trying not to let people know but it's 1984 the whole bar is on it right people trying to be cool but at this point in society

the coke wasn't that speedy so it was still people there were some people chilling. There were some people jawing, but not join. Join is when your jaw moves. But your body does other characteristics. Like your fingers will go, or you'll

scratch your neck or something like that. You're scratching your nose or your fucking twitch every four minutes. Like you went over to fucking Iraq. So, so fucking you go to these bars and you were in there

and after about an hour you felt everybody's energy. Like your body started Like it became like a tuning fort Because everybody around you was on that shit And I still remember like it was clear I stopped doing that type of shit Where you would get together on a Sunday

And not get home until Tuesday night You quit that Like you'd be locked in the hotel room With eight people Right Someone you go out and make beer runs Yeah Talking shit telling stories

Talking the chicks Locking yourself in the bathroom with a chick letting the see if she'll finger I mean it was just disgust Wait wait wait wait do you say If Schofinger are you Whatever either way It's four in the morning

You're in a hotel room your strangers It's 1984 85 That's when I did that so what was work on Tuesday like were you out of your mind You walk in and they're like Where were you? You're not going to believe it I got kidnapped by fucking Martians

And they transferred me to the black people Who kidnapped Tom Hanks Now this job was union I take it No, no, no. At that time, I would burn through jobs like you burn through fucking dollar bills. It was fucking, I would have a job every week. And in those days, you just, Lee knew somebody, you knew somebody. You come to me and go, you want to bartend? Sure.

It would be that easy. I'd fuck you over in two weeks. And Lee would come to me and go, hey, they need help over on my shipyard, $16 and now, but you got to work midnight. I'll take it. Right. You know, there was always, you could always load trucks. Okay. There was APA, there was Florida and Texas, and they all paid 17 in that own.

And you went in there at 10 o'clock at night, and you worked till 8 in the morning, and you kicked back to the form in 100 bucks on one paying day. And every time you kicked them 100 bucks, he'd give you another shift. That's the way it works. You made six for the night, but you got to kick back one. It's like an agent. So now when you call to shape, because you got a call at like 9 o'clock, I start calling on a call to the night.

Angel there, yeah, this is Angel, Angel, Joe Diaz, I'm available tonight. You work here before, yeah, when? I don't know, three weeks ago. All right, come on down. If I like you, you work tonight. You got to get in your fucking call. I didn't have a call. So that means I have like Leon fucking holy.

Right. Ten to nine, I'll call you and be close by. I'll give you ten bucks for gas. And I would just get dropped off. Uh-huh. I would work ten hours ago. I don't know how I'm getting home. Right.

And dog, God love me because 9 out of 10, somebody was going close to where I was going. Right. And they'd go, so you're going to take a bus all the way up there. Fuck it, I'll give you a ride. Right. Ooh. Oh, Jesus, Joseph and Mary.

That's great. It was such a different fucking game. Yeah. And I would always take the midnight ship because they would hire you immediately. Right. If you told them 4 to 12, everybody wanted 4 to 12. Yeah. Midnight. You told them 8 to 4, everybody wanted 8 to 4.

But you walk in and go, I don't want the midnight ship. Are you serious? Right. You know, one of the jobs I had was a hardware company who I had worked for before. I can't remember the name. They were big at that time. And their catch was you worked 10 hours a night. And they through Thursday.

And then Friday, you came in, you punched in at 7. At 8 o'clock, you punched out, and you went home. It was the craziest job I ever had. And nobody would take that job. I got that job. Like, that was a type. It was a hardware company, and you first started as a warehouse guy.

Right. And then after time, you get promoted to different departments. Do you follow me? So you get the prototype, you get promoted to shipping. Right. So, wait, was your boss just the control freak?

Why were you coming in for one hour on Friday? Because Friday, like, during the week, you each had a lot. So there would be four bays, okay? Uh-huh. And there'd be four trucks when you got there. and me, you, Lee, and Jerry wrote you. We all work together, and we each had a bay.

And we get there and we go, right, this is what we're going to do. I got three trucks tonight in this bay. You got three trucks. Lee's got two trucks and Jerry's got two trucks. What we're going to do is this. We can either work alone or we could work together and get out of here two hours earlier and still get two hours of overtime. These guys were slick.

And they would jump on those fucking trucks. and they would load three quarters of them, then we'd have lunch, sweaty, dirty, dust in your eyes, walking in the fucking... Then you'd come back and we'd get there at seven and we had it down, walking out of there at four in the morning every night. That's how we did that job.

And then, on Friday nights, you just... On Friday, you'd go in and they'd have four trucks. That's it. And each truck had four things on it, like a curtain rod, a bar of soap, a box of nails, and a fucking shower curtain.

And that was it. And so you punch out of quarter of eight. And nobody wanted that job. I took that fucking job. Because I thought it was easy and easy. You're out. You're still out on Friday night. Right.

You can still watch Miami Vice at 9. Right. Very important. And be out at 10.30, ready to rock. Lee, you're going through changes, aren't you? I'm going through changes.

It's fucking Monday night. Lee Syatt. Look at you. See, you didn't train all weekend. Monday night is the new Sunday afternoon. Yeah, Lee's done. He's done now Monday because he doesn't want to train. He doesn't want to fight him. Yeah, why didn't you train today? What happened? Lee, go by the 40 and buy the mule. Take a mule home. We'll give you a little bit of this weed with no name by the canister. What's a mule? This fucking bong right here. That's the mule. Oh, okay. Go buy a mule. You know where over there on the Vlanches.

My lungs are already like halfway to like transatlantic. I'm like, I'm not able to... Perfect. You're only 28. That means you're going to transplant with your 56. You're going to happen as you can't run. Which you're not running no more anyway.

So who gives it from... I know, but I want to have the option to it. Nah, there's no less. If you're not going to run now, you're not going to run later. That's probably true. Today's the last day to run. Yeah, today's the last day to run. You had your chances.

You had your chances. You didn't run. You were supposed to run. You didn't run. So dog, last week, I had a horrible fucking experience. Oh, yeah. That couldn't happen. And this is fucked up because I got to tell you the guy something.

The hypnotism worked. Okay. That shit that I've been doing, like tomorrow I've got to go 10.15. I think tomorrow's my last session. If that would have happened 10 years ago, oh, my God. I sit there the last two days, last night I sat on the couch, and I can't believe I survived that. Wednesday, I wake up at fucking 6 in the morning. No coffee, water, listerine, and 2.3.

brush, I take a shower and I shoot down the Hollywood whatever UCLA, I see my doctor, he puts a finger up my ass, he does the EKG, and then we're talking and I give him a doctor's note like the asshole that I am. I went to see the other doctor two weeks ago and I told him that I know I'm getting something wrong

on my right and left leg. I knew what it was. It was like minor arthritis. And he did the x-rays and he goes, you're right. It's just minor arthritis. There's nothing really I can do. You know, just take a leave and stuff and lay off it, change your habits. start swimming and do the elliptical. Get new orthotics.

He's like through all this shit and his pain will go away. So I go, listen, man, you gave me a test about a year ago to see if I had rheumatoid arthritis and I never went down there. He goes, well, I'll give me another blood test thing. So he gives it to me like a doctor's note and I put in my wallet. And 10 years ago, I wouldn't have that note to the doctor. I would have ripped that up like I did the first one. Right.

But give it to the doctor. He was going to do a blood test anyway. Yeah. I figured they would just take the same blood amount. No, my God. No, thanks, man. And I had to take an HIV test. Uh-huh.

I just took one. Yeah. I don't have it. No, no, no. The insurance company wanted me to take an HIV test. Oh, okay. So I take the HIV test. Let me tell you some.

I take the blood test and I have O.E.A. Comeovon. That's my shit. I take an iPod. And I just blast OieComo von. Uh-huh. I had to play it like twice this time. So I knew they took out blood.

I didn't faint. Yeah. Usually I start to squirm, my body. Yeah. I was just thinking with my eyeballs up, doing the halaloo, whatever she taught me and shit. And I thought, I counted backwards and saw myself walking down steps. And every step I get more relaxed.

And that's all I thought about. And boom, also I felt the needle gone. And she put my arm up. But when I went to get up to get my keys and shit, it was like nine tubes of blood. Usually I would have dropped to the fucking floor right there. You puked and feigning. I didn't even turn colors.

Yeah. I just walked out of there. Okay. Wednesday and I come here. We do a podcast. I go home. I sleep like a king. I get up Thursday morning.

I got to do a bunch of shit. I got to go to Jitoo. I got a spot at the comedy store. I'm talking to my wife. There's a piece of toast. She had a piece of egg with one piece of toast. Okay. It was like a little piece of toast and I picked it up.

I'm talking about the weather or whatever the fuck we're talking about. I step down where I have the water cooler. And at the same time I bit my tongue. Uh-huh. I got my robe on. My robe is blue. Uh-huh. I go, I sit down, I look at it.

There's no blood. Then something happens. I look at my finger and there's blood on my finger. Okay. I go, Jesus Christ. Now I'm still typing, I'm writing, but every five or six minutes, I got a white blood out of my mouth on my robe. Okay. My robe has got chunks of red on it.

And by this time, ten years ago, I would have fainted. Right. Right. So finally, I put hot water on it. I put fucking salt on it. Yeah. I put an ice cube to it, and it slows it down. My wife, she yon, and I go to St. Joe's.

Babba, blah, blah, blah, blah. They can't fix it. They put some stuff on it. It stops the bleeding temporary. Okay. But every three minutes, I can taste the blood. Yeah. I'm checking it, right?

Okay. I go home, boom, we go to the fucking farmer's market. What's that thing? The food trucks. Yeah. We're running the baby. They're pedophiles there. I hadn't seen him since the last season

he's there with the bubbles Which one's that? Oh Michael Jackson? No, there's bubble pedophile That was at North Hollywood Park He has a bicycle And dog He's a bicycle now?

He's always had a bicycle Oh, I don't know And again, he only had like five kids So he got pissed off And he went to the other side of the park There was more, he's such a pedophile But he's such a loser Local pedophile?

Yeah So I'm sitting there talking to my wife And playing with Mercy I ate at me and my mom I've split a cheese steak. Yeah. And, well, I was eating a cheese steak, bro.

I look at the bread, and it's fucking blood. And I'm like, oh my God. It's like the French dip place. I run to, yeah, it is like French dip. I run over. I got a bunch of napkins. This thing's on fire.

God damn. That's terrible. I go home. This thing's leaking bad. And it's going. It's gushing, guys. It's coming down my fucking chin. I can feel only

and collagulating on the inside of my lip. I have a gap over here. The blood was becoming a tooth in there. Like I had to take a toothbrush and wash it and chunks of blood were falling out. From the top of the ceiling of my mouth, there was collagulations of blood. I figured, let me eat some edibles.

I'll put them fucking sleep apnea mask on. And chew them slow. And the air from the sleep apnea will blow on the tongue and they'll slow the blood down and eventually you'll harden up into a scam. Guys, I lay on my back, I'm on my back for maybe 30 minutes, I go to turn

on my fucking left side and I can feel the warmth on my face. Oh my God. Finally, I'm trying to fucking just, you know me, I'm trying to command though. I got to go to Utah in the morning. This will stop bleeding by the time I take the flight.

My wife wakes me up. This is Joey, you're gurgling. Get up. Get up, all down. Oh, my God. You're going to go Jimmy Hendry. You get an ambulance. You have to go to the hospital. Oh, my God, guys, I'm freaking out.

Yeah. I get up, I put on the light. I take the sleep back and your mask off. And three ounces of blood just falls on my leg all over the bag. Oh, my God. Are you serious? Oh, my God. My wife is freaking out.

Joe, you're going to bleed out. You're going to bleed out. I drive myself to the hospital the whole time. I'm taking shits because I'm drinking the blood. I got diarrhea. Oh, my God. I'm bleeding. I got tick.

They take me back there. My blood pressure is 225 over 400. Oh my God. They give me a blood pressure pill. And the guy comes back and he goes, listen, we can't do nothing to stop the bleed until like 3.3.30. I go, so I'm just going to bleed to death here for fucking four hours. That's what you're trying to fucking tell me. He goes, yeah. I said, fuck you guys. I thanked them. I went home and I put a nice cube on it. I put the mask and I tried. I slept for three hours when I woke up guys. They had collagulated all over my neck. the pillow if you touch the pillow

like blood would come out of it it was a man guys it was it was not good it was like the shining over there I went in a shower and I spit and brush my teeth but maybe 15 minutes getting old

it was guys it was terrible my wife's begging me to go back to the hospital listen guys I'm not you know I'm not the person I used to be I got four shows

I got an option I can milk this shit it's Utah I can't push the shows to Sunday right right Miami you could push the shows to Sunday yeah they're gonna show up on Sunday anyway yeah you know what I'm saying but you can't push the Friday shows on Utah to Sunday

my only option was to call Joe Rogan and switch weekends with him yeah that was my only fucking option right and which it didn't make sense at that point either so I said fucking let me get on the plane this guy's a great guy these people are driving from all over I got on the plane with Diagostino bro

they didn't look at my I hid from TSA the whole time through TSA I didn't say two fucking words and I could feel it collagulating my upper lip I was starting to become Fredo yeah my upper lip was swelling and shit you're smart and I walked through security and I remember going to that waist basket and spitting and it was just an ounce of blood and I'm going on

Oh my God. When am I going to get dizzy here? Right. I had paper towels all over me, bundles of tissue, gauze. It was all over my face. My lips at that point were beat red like the Joker. Yeah. Oh, my God. Like, they had been bloody all night. They were soaking in blood. Just telling you guys, this is giving me fucking hudja. I got on the plane.

I'm sitting there, guys. It's unbelievable that hour flight. I get off the fucking plane I go to urgent care and the guy puts cocaine liquid on my tongue Really? Yeah, they shrink something I'm starting to faint now

I gotta open up the door, hold on Dude That's a good cliffhanger Cocaine was just introduced Oh my God I didn't know they had Legu Cocaine to stop that It was interesting

Because I had a piece of my tongue I didn't even know what it was And I've had it for a few years When I first got it I wanted to just bite it off or, like, cut off with a knife because it wasn't that thick. So I thought I could do it. And I told my dentist who did it for me. He's like, if you did that, you would have ended up in the emergency room.

Right. Because the tongue is like one of like the bloodiest things. It doesn't clot easy, huh? There's a lot of blood in it, a lot of capillaries. It just, yeah, I don't know the reason behind it, but he used a laser and I was trying to get Joe to go, but he wasn't open until 11. Right. Oh, my gosh. Just thinking about it.

I don't know how you dealt with all that blood. That's crazy. And so did it stop it as soon as you put that medicine on it? He put the liquid on it and it held a little bit. And then he put a piece of silver on top of it. Silver? You want to come back to the story later? Yeah.

Oh, my God. To be continued, folks. Well, when I'm high on TAC, it puts me a face mechanism right there. It means I'm either going to get. get seasick or I'm going to pass the fuck out telling the story

that's how fucked up it was Jesus anyway I'm excited that you're going to Milwaukee this is gonna be fun

man I haven't been there in a long fucking time I was there about two years ago always love going to Milwaukee

every gig I played I fucking love Milwaukee the first time I went to Milwaukee I went there

the weirdest thing to do market university like who the fucking those days. Yeah. And it was a horror show. Uh-huh.

But I wasn't the only one that bombed. Well, that always feels a little bit better. Everybody doing okay. So when did you get back from New York? When did I get back from New York? Me? Yeah, because you went a couple times. I was back.

The middle of April. I was back. Middle April, okay. How do you like that? Because when I was growing up, I was always a dream to live in New York. How do you like... It's really cool, man.

It's easy to get around. And there's always something good to eat. Do Uber? Do Uber or do Zubler? No way. No way. Subway. Come on. Yeah, it's not even a thing you even think about. You just do. It's just part of it. Do you take the bus? I've taken the bus before.

Again, I think the audience is suffering without Joey. I think they come here for Joey. And I think we're really fucking milking their shit. To conclude, New York City is easy to get around with and a great place to live. highly recommend it. It's amazing. I feel sick all of a sudden. See, I told that story so well, it actually smells like New York in him.

Holy fucking shit. I don't know if you listen to the end of the show there. I fucking passed out, man. I came close to passing out. It was like my blood pressure dropped. We had a lot of edibles tonight. We had the stars, two different flavors. We had a, what else?

The fucking transmission fluid. We had the balls of death over here, the eyeballs of debt. We smoked some tremendous rea. So, you know what, guys, I lost a lot of blood last week. My body's still recovering. I went to Jitsu today. I ate a good dinner. I took my vitamins.

I took my blood. Everything's solid. Before the fucking bite, I went from physical, and I came back. Everything was straight. So we're good. But that was fucked up. That feeling I got, it was because I didn't die. By telling you.

it you guys, I relived it. And it relived tasting the blood. Oh my God, it was fucking terrible. I don't want to do anything. No, I'm okay now. Now I'm okay. Can we talk about it? Now I'm okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I'm fine. I went through the worst. The worst is done. Oh, I've never experienced.

I've had experiences with marijuana where I've gotten lightheaded. I've puked a couple times. For 10 years, Lee, for even longer than that whenever I went to a doctor right away my fucking skin color changed

my blood pressure dropped once he talked about needles I got this fear of my heart this doctor I have now since I have a relationship with him and I've gotten older and more mature when he tells me to do something I kind of do it like I still haven't taken my shingle shot

that'll make me pass out like I just did Okay. Because I feel a little bit of pain and I panic. So your triggers are pain and blood? Yeah, so when I go for the blood in the arm, I'm so used to it down there. They know me, they know they got to use the kid's needle. They know they can't put alcohol on my own. I ask for it, too, the butterfly needle.

Yeah, so, wow. All right, we want to talk about it, no one. So that's what happened, guys. I just passed off from fucking talking about it. terrible. That's how I live. That's why I try to go to acupuncture to get those feelings down, but from time to time you've got to check in with the man. If you've got skeletons in the closet, from time to time you got to check on them, you know what I'm saying? That's exactly what just happened in front of you guys. If you watched a YouTube video, we ended the podcast

with me fucking passed out. But this is why I wanted to do. The YouTube video just end with me passing out. You guys will listen, get the extra fucking flavor, and you know what really happened. Let me give some shoutouts here. I didn't forget about you savages. Sean O'Donnell. Gades, the man, Dayton, Peyton,

Colin Madden, Tony, Jack, Mance, Drew, Dan Rudolph, checking up on me. C.I. Foster, Rich P. And my girl, Cleo, I didn't forget about you. And always Ookie Spooky, the Princess Adi Lou of fucking the church.

But no, no, no, bro. I've been going through this shit. There was one particular time. There was a couple of them. But there was one time when I was going to get my tonsils out. I went to this doctor on 60th Street between Bergenlein Avenue and, like, Boulevard East. I don't know it's a big range. I'll never forget parking with my stepfather and walking in there.

They sat me down on one of those kids' deaths to give blood. Oh my God, Lisa, at. I must have had an epileptic siege in front of those people. They took that needle out. This went on for years. that I would go into fits and phone from the mount and turn different colors. Over the years, I've controlled the fucking fears.

But it was a mixture of everything. I think the reefer hit me quick. I think the loss of blood last week, I'm still recovering from that, and I didn't know it. There's a lot of factors here. There's fact is Lee. You understand me? It's amazing how you...

It's the fact you do your whole life, and do you think it would have been a bunch of work? a few years ago, probably. Yeah, no, no, no. It always triggers, you always pay for your sentence. So you can either pay me now or pay me later. The other day, I told somebody I was very shocked. That didn't pass out in the shower one of those days.

But I didn't. I didn't. So that was a combination panic attack and getting high on the reefer and thinking about what I did with the reefer in me. That's why I don't go to Jiu-Jitsu when I'm hot. I ate edible because I can't handle it. My body can't handle. I can't chucked when you're stoned.

We're trying to pass a guard and huffing and puffing and you start thinking about your heart beating. If you eat that, your heart's going to beat double. So I can't control that shit. So at least I know this. I try to keep it in check. And I...

Just do what you can. You do what you can, brother. You know what I'm saying? You, you... You... You try to control this fear that you have. Everyone has fears, man. Hey, what are you going to do?

But I'm happy. I'm good people. I just wanted to check in with you motherfuckers and let you know we're fine here. I'm still a little queasy. But, you know, this is what you got to do. You got to fucking perform when you're fucking sick or what. We've got to deliver like the mailman. It's not like Richard Simmons.

I'm not going to keep them hostage. Anyway, let me give some shoutouts real quick here. For starters, you know me, Doug. I'm lazy as fuck, like most Americans. If I can stay in the house and do something, I will. I mean, these days, you can practically everything on demand. Like our podcast, the church, you can listen from wherever you want when it's convenient for you. So why are you still going to the post office and dealing with their limited hours,

lines when you can get postage on demand with stamps.com? I want to introduce you to these guys. Anything you can do at the post office, you could do right from your desk with stamps.com. Buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter or package using your own computer and printer. And unlike the post office, stamp.com never closes. So you can get postage whenever you need it 24-7. Lee, you have stamps.com. I do.

I have. I have the scale is great. I've had it for multiple years and it's worked great. They work with multiple kinds of packages. I've sent shirts. I've sent stickers. it's been great. And it's easy.

They come right to your house. You can schedule that out of me. You can schedule that stuff. I honestly just used to print the labels and I just walk past the line, drop it right in the drop box and I leave. Takes me three seconds. Listen, ping, ping, boom. And your package is on its way. Plus, you save money.

What I'm going to do right now is do, do me a favor. Use my name, Joey, J-O-E-Y for the special. off. I'm going to give you a four-week trial. Includes postage and digital scale. Don't wait. Listen to me. Go to Stamps.com. Before you do anything else, click on the radio microphone at the top

of the homepage, the top of the homepage, and type in Joey, J-O-E-Y. That Stamps.com, enter Joey. J-O-E-Y, Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. Who's better than you? I'm trying to save you time. I believe

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that you Lee how long were you a blue apron you still got it I still served a time I got the best blue apron I ever got a while a couple weeks ago and had pasta

it had spicy pasta it had these pitas with with Mediterranean beef and then I had this chicken I forget what the chicken well let me tell you what they got now they got chicken

sweet pepper toastas shrimp and squidin spaghetti which I love to learn how to make And for the family, listen to this. They got roasted pork and jojoba noodles. Are you kidding me or what? They got Balamandi. I mean, they got a tremendous menu this month.

They got beef terriaki stirfly with sugar snap peas and lime rice. They got three cheese and baby broccoli stromboli with tomato and oregano dipping sauce. Are you kidding me or what? Who the hell knows how to make stromboli? Now you can learn with Blue Apron. Do yourself a favor. All right? For less than $10 per person per meal,

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You can tell your friends, you know how to cook. You're the chef of the future. Blue Apron.com. And never forget this, people. You know me. You need new underwear. You can't keep walking around with holes in your underwear. you know, you got skid marks.

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that keeps everything dry. It's an extra smooth, beautiful type of cotton. You don't know it until you put it on. What is Miondi's? The most seriously soft feel good unduis delivered right to your door. Again, I'm trying to save you money, time, energy.

the whole thing. Everything I do is right to your door. Miandis designed in LA and made from Source MicroMoDor a fabric three times softer than cotton. Miandis softer than soft, luxurious undies come in ever-changing selection of classic colors, bold shades and adventurous patterns so you can tailor your undies to your own personal style.

And guess what? You can save time and money each month with a monthly subscription, but if you're not ready, that's okay. You can still save. That's because Miandis, is offering you 20% off your first pair. Just use the special URL, meundees.com slash Joey and get 20% off your first pair.

Go ahead. You need new underwear. You filthy animal. You walk around. You don't know why. You can't get a little piece of the monkey. You know why? Because your underwears are rotten.

Once again, that's meundies.com slash joey. Again, meundies.com slash joey. I'm sorry I passed out tonight. I'm really sorry. but it fucking happens. When you come into the debt of debt, shit's going to go down from time to time. It's been about five.

I've never passed out on the show before, but shit has to happen. That's how we evolve. You understand me? Now we know our limitations. The next time Lee passes out. What do you think about that? And you've come close a couple times, Lee.

Haven't I passed out once or more? Never, never. No, close. Don't worry about none. You're going to be fine. Anyway, I want to thank Stamps.com. Again, go to Stamps.com, and to Joey.

I want to thank me undies. Again, go to Miandi slash Joey, and I want to thank Blue Apron.com, the best delivery service in the country. Blue Apron.com slash Joey. There you go. I'll see you guys Wednesday night. Be cool. Get ready to rock.

Uncle Joey's back, bitches. Friday night, Milwaukee, the Turner Hall ballroom with my man Matt Fultron. That's how long I passed out for. I had to breathe out of my nose for 30 minutes. He had to leave. He couldn't take it no more. I love you guys.

See you, Wednesday. night. Stay black.