The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #480 - Becky Dominguez

Episode Date: May 11, 2017

Becky Dominguez, Co Host of the Mat Therapy Podcast and a purple belt under Eddie Bravo and 10th planet, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   This podcast is brought to you by:   DollarShaveClub.com -  get your first month of razors for only $1 with free shipping at dollarshaveclub.com/church   Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/10/2017.


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Hit it, Lee. Oh shit. Break out the fucking fentanyl. We're going deep today. Tell Dr. Conrad to get down here with the pro-hypnole, Puminole, all the oils. Bumpton. Oh shit.

May 10. The church was happening now. Becky on roller skates. From Matt Derby. Lisa Yette. Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson. Say what the fuck you want to say.

Here we go. Molesting kids, whatever the fuck he's doing. The giraffe. Hit it! Let's dance. That's it, Lee. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers?

Uncle Joey here on a Wednesday night. We're over here in the voodoo lounge in the studio of debt. I'm sorry about Monday night. Listen, I told you, I bled the debt. I told you motherfuckers the stories. My brain relived it, and I fucking passed out. I went down.

everything came back like 30 minutes later Lee and I went for a ham and cheese on a bagel with a fucking Coke my body was creaking me you know what after you pass out like that you want a soda I work hard guys I've worked for fucking it's got to be 30 years

on this passing out situation like I've been actually working on it like I dread those times that I won't handle it because that's what happens to me like if somebody's bleeding around me I'm a 50-50 toss-up Are you one of those blood people? Yeah.

You can't. Yeah. No, no, no. So that's what made me pass out. So you really passed out? Like you legitimately passed out? That night here? Yeah.

It was the same feeling I get when I give blood or I get a needle. And like I got a needle once for, I came back positive for syphilis. When Mercy was, when Terry was pregnant, they gave us these tests. And Terry came back negative. Oh. I came back positive for syphilis. Oh. So I went back again, and they said it wasn't syphilis.

Oh, it was like a false positive? It was like a false positive. So the guy goes, listen, just to be safe, whatever, let's just do four shots. So they give you two shots on each cheek. And they gave me the first shot. I didn't see the needle. I didn't hear the needle. I didn't hear it.

Just a prick going into my ass. I made them take it out. I fucking was sweating. My fucking neck starts. sweat and lastly when I got up from the chair there was a beat of sweat going down the chair oh shit it's a fear it's just a

fucking fear that I've had and it used to be really bad then I started controlling it and now I know how to control it but I'm always 50 50 like my mind knows to shut it off look oh shit just don't look at it way and I don't

look at it and you never know there's times I cut myself in the shower shaving or something a rush. Do you get the same feeling? Well, sometimes I look at the blood and I'm fine. But sometimes I look at the blood, go out, dry myself, right? Go powder and put fucking armpit, fucking soap on, fucking put vizine in my eyes, put my socks

on, put my shirt on. And I go in the back room, I look at the towel and there's a little bit of blood on it. I got to go sit down. I got to go sit down. So it's a 50-50 fucking torso. And I had a cat, Finney. God bless his soul. I love Finney, but Finney got to know me so much that he knew when I had those feelings.

Becky, you cannot call how he knew. Huh. So whenever we moved, when we first moved down this corner here, there was three situations where I fainted within the first year. Really? Yeah. One time I went in the closet and the clothes is hanging, I didn't know that that clothes hides a fucking metal rod.

She knocked me so bad. Oh, my God. And I went into that fucking thing headfirst, like, you know, like Jack Lambert, Natie. What did you think was holding up the clothes? No, no, no, no, no, no. The clothes were here. This metal pole was right here. Okay, got it.

There was an extra pole. And all of a sudden you hit, ding. And I'm holding on to my head and I'm fucking bleeding. And I'm like, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm not going to be fine. I run for the living room.

I take my shirt off and I put the air conditioner on fucking Alaska. And I sit there in front of this air conditioner until the fucking. air condition is and all of a sudden the cat would jump on top of me and I love this cat with all my heart if it was anybody else I would punch him right in the fucking head and get the fuck away from me but I would look at him and want to throw him off me but just the thought of me going to throw him off him I sit back and go mother fucking finney and I go and also I go oh my god because I took my mind off fainting this cat would jump on me and put his claws into my thigh oh so you think about that instead of the

Yes, and it would take me right off. Another time something happened, and I was getting sick. I was puking something like oatmeal. Like, I must have like a mini-stroke or some shit. Something happened, I was puking like this oatmeal. I'm shitting, I'm puking. And the same thing, I went into the living room. I thought I was going to faint.

I got, like, food poisoning. And I'm sitting in front of the air conditioner completely naked, sweating, and it's freezing in there, and I'm sweating. Wow. That's a terrible feeling. That's a terrible feeling. And all of a sudden, he jumped on me with his claws. and he got me right around the dick,

like right around, like he put two paws here and two paws here. Oh, my God. So you could see like four little holes with his little fucking claws, and he just, and I wanted to push him again. And again, he healed me.

Wow. And then one time I caught myself shaving. Yeah. Fucking crazy. Smart little cat. Yeah. I'll faint in the drop of a fucking dime, guys. Wow.

I fainted at the UFC. Too much blood? Yeah. From too much wood? A towel. Oh, my God. A towel. A corner man.

and threw a towel and it was filled with blood and i was at ralphie may and a the smaller ufc venues what's the smaller one when they used to do the ufc card like the house but they'd have like a headliner it's a younger casino the palms the palms oh yeah they did use that was a long time ago right and then one time i was watching b j panigan's big joe daddy stevenson i went to the comedy store i was out doing comedy i get home my wife's sleeping it's got to be 2008, 9, everybody's sleeping. I sit on the fucking couch, and I'm replaying the UFC. You know, you replay it, you went out, and you missed it at 8 o'clock,

and it's Joe Daddy against BJ Penny kicks him, he hits him. I don't know what happens. Joe Daddy's bleeding gallons, like me on Thursday night. He's bleeding gallons out of his fucking head. And in the couch, I fainted. And I woke up two hours later, Doug. Boy, fucking drenched in sweat. Like, I must have lost four pounds in sweat

Because your body goes into this fucking horrible. I've had this disease since I can remember. What about movies and TV shows? Like, when you know it's fake blood. Does that fuck you? A little bit. Beyond that I turned on one of my favorite episodes. About it, Carrie, when they spill all that blood on her.

No, that doesn't bother me. Because you know that's fake. Pulp Fiction? Uh-huh. When they stick the needle in his heart Oh yeah I went out in the movie theater I was talking to movie theater

The girl I was with put Milk chocolate Raisinettes in my mouth That's what I made me come back She brought me back with raisinettes Wait You just went down right in the theater Man down in the movie theater

A mouth open drooling from the mouth Shaking like I'm having an epileptic face Oh my God And my friend Jake Kyle And me And his girl And the

fucking flute I was with. What about when you all kicked Wydenman in the head? That cut, didn't make you crazy? No, if I was there, you might have gone, and I would have heard the knee hitting the head and then saw the blood. You understand. Oh, really?

Yeah, it's different, uh, it's different situations. Lee could bleed to death, but if I see you bleed, I might feel, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's just really weird. He has to care for the person. I was going to say, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I'm sitting there? I'm sitting there and I'm thinking about an episode of Sopranos.

One particular episode. One particular one. After he gets shot, he's at the hospital and he meets the old man that was the foot traffic guy over at Bell Laboratories. And he kept calling him a rocket ship guy. The rapper got shot and they put him in a hotel room and then he had satellite TV. So Tony went in there with the fucking old man and the rapper and Tretch from Norty by Nature was in there. Right. He was holding the sack.

Adelaide dish, and it was just a really fucking good episode. But I'm watching TV the other night. You know, I get home. I sit the road cool. You know, this takes me an hour because, you know, I'm half retarded. I got to press this, touch this button. Got to log back in. TV show.

I don't know fucking nothing. I just want to see a soprano. I would pay to watch that. Just you'd figure out the TV at like two in the morning. So I get up, I get like some cashews in a cup. I get an apple. You know, I'm ready to watch the fucking sopranos. I'm sitting there eating the song.

fucking apple. And what do you think happens? The episode opens with him the stitch. It's after he got shot. So he's at the hospital and he's talking to the black woman and she's telling them how much long and he goes, well, they're going to go to surgery tomorrow and he's like surgery again. When they showed that, I had to look the other way. I push away the apples. What about on the fat man show when they're doing the surgery? Can you watch that or no? Uh, I have my moments. I don't like that. The laser, the cuts, the fucking, the whole thing.

Yeah. Does it ruin the show for you? Does it upset you? Like when, when you get those moments? Are you just like, fuck this show? It just really, guys, it's a 50-50 toss-up. You know, listen, I'm sitting on a fucking plane. I'm watching a movie.

All right, I go to scratch my face and my cuticle's sticking out. And I'll take a fucking bite out of my cuticle. As you can see, I got skin missing. And it'll bleed like a fucking. siv and nothing will happen. And you're fine. Listen to me. The other night I bled for 24 hours, there was a point where I looked at the tub and I go, why haven't I fainted yet?

And the other night I come in here, high on edibles, which is not always good or any time. That would really push the, that's another situation. If I could be in here and you cut yourself and I'd be fine, but if I'm on edibles and you cut yourself, that's a different trigger. Yeah. Like, I still don't get high and go to Jiu-Jitsu. Oh, really? It would not even be in my realm.

That would not, that would be totally disrespectful to me, to Alberta. I don't know why. But seriously, it would be too real for me. You said you feel like you suffocate. Oh, no, I die. Yeah. Well, your heart gets going. An edible?

No fucking way. And he says someone gets on top of you and it's over. It's over. There was a guy today who got on top of me. I could not move this kid. two times out of time. Not only was he big, but he was a wrestle, no, but he was big.

Yeah. Big, big, big, not muscles, big. You know, I couldn't get him off. And he was a wrestler? Yeah, he knew how to wrestle. Yeah, that wrestling pressure. He was doing weird shit to me and stuff. Weird Sakaki shit, you know what I'm saying?

It didn't look like Japanese and then. So I was going on in meth therapy. It's been a while. It has. I feel like stained. You know what I'm saying? Like what? I'm over here throwing heat.

You got your little pants on with the cats. It's all over the shouting. With the cats. Yep. Nothing just doing my mat therapy stuff, podcast. So for those no-no, mat therapy covers all realms of jih Tzu and wrestling. And MMA. And MMA.

You guys just covered an event in Vegas a few weeks ago. We went out to the U.S. like wrestling championships, open championships, something like that. It was, I didn't realize what we were going to and how big of an event it was. It was pretty cool. Like we saw two gold medalists wrestlers compete We saw like the highest level of like

Competition wrestling out there It's a different game, isn't it? Oh, totally Totally Because you're in high school either? No No singlets for me I believe he was a wrestler

I was on the team I wasn't good But you chase John Bowman But you need a singlet I might have one of my mom's house Who knows? No, no no We had to run them

I don't have one I don't have one I don't need a single yet. Singlet's better than Speedo. Somebody send Lee a singlet. Wrestling was one of those things that was very big in my high school. Was it?

Yeah. My high school was great in New Jersey. My high school was really good. And they had a couple state champions, a couple guys that went to Lehigh, I think. But basketball and wrestling was in the same season. But afterward, my friend was a great wrestler. One guy, I hung out with three wrestlers, like full time. I hung out with them, did blow with them, ate pills with them, went to concerts with them, and they're a fucking weird bunch, but they were crazy.

Yeah. You know, the coach we had was, and there was Tabuccino. And you would fucking walk into basketball practice, and these guys would be running stairs. We'd take showers, run back. We were walking out, and these motherfuckers would still be running stairs. If you walked into their wrestling room, it was 2,000 fucking degrees before the Hindu came here. They were doing that 2,000 years before. that Hindu came here.

They had those wrestlers. This is 70 fucking six. I'd walk in there. You'd bust out into sweat. You'd have to make weight. It smelled like fucking feet in there and asses and fucking more hill.

What was that shit? Mildoo. It smelled like fucking mildewish in there. But way before the guy showed up with the fucking heat, the Indian guy. The Bikram. Way before he showed up with that

fucking thing. They were doing that North Bergen wrestling for fucking 20 hours with 2,000 degrees. And like I hang out with Oh, no, no, I hang out with another dude, D.D. Cantero. So I hung out with Crowley,

D.D. Cantero, Kurt D. Lorenzo, who's dead, God rest his soul. Somebody just put a picture up on him on Facebook. And Darren Rego, who's dead. God bless her soul. It was his birthday on somebody. Somebody just put a picture up on it. Were any of them smaller kids?

Like, the lower weight classes? Darren Rego was 5'2. Oh, my God. He was small? Because you showed me the picture. with his, he's really buff, so I've always imagined he was heavy. Oh, wow, because the light guys are always the craziest, or that was always on my team. The light guys

were the craziest wild-disguise. The light guys? Yeah, like the 103s. Oh, oh, oh. Not all of them, but like there was one in particular who was he would do the thing where, like, he would jump up and, like, hit himself before he would do his match. He'd give him himself all psyched up. I was kind of a bodybuilder. Oh, yeah. That was after

that was after high school. That was that started his senior year in high school because by that time this is all he did the rest of his all they did was fucking lift weights these fucking savages so he just went with it I still remember in high school

and he showed up in my house that night with his shirt on he called me up I'm coming over with some coke sit tight like I had gone back to school and he was a senior graduating I wasn't going to graduate I was supposed to go to summer school and I was already thinking I'm not going to go to summer school

I'm just going to play the hand out and he was coming on one night and dog it's like playing his day it was like 8 o'clock I didn't know what I was going to do that night I was kind of in a mental I was in one of those people who say that it's complicated

I was in a complicated relationship at the time I was hiding from the bread so it's complicated I don't want to get a G-bow and be out and she'd come in and give me a fucking ear beating so I said should I stay here and all a sudden he calls and he goes sit tight I'll be there

10 minutes. It sounds a little more than complicated where you have to hide out from her. This is January of... This is January 2. This kid walked in. I was living downstairs with the runnies and he walks in. And he brought like an eight pack of beer. And he fucking...

You know, he takes out the coke. He puts some fucking coke down. You should make some more fucking noise, Becky. Everybody shows up a little bottle of water. You got to show up with Rin Tin Tin. You got to show up with an oxygen tank that goes to Cuba once a fucking month. Look at you. You got to open it up.

It's got a fucking, it's got an alarm system on it. It's got an alarm. There's a code. So he showed up at the house, backing. And he gets on the floor right in front of me. He just starts doing push-ups. He does about 40 push-ups. He gets on his back.

He does a bunch of crunches and shit. Then he gets up. He looks at me, and he gives me a crab. And he goes, I'm doing, he goes, I'm doing steroids. How do I look? And I go, you look tremendous. And also he broke down how he started doing. doing him, who he does him with, you know, this whole thing.

And it was very interesting. And for months, talk, it was one of the best times in my life hanging out with him because he was getting bigger every week. And then by Sunday, he was yoked because he would work five days a week. So your big recoup day is Saturday. By Sunday, you're yoked. On Sunday, you're yoked. You juice up and work out Monday with like some squats.

on Wednesday and shit and fucking Saturdays your day of sawdness but Sunday you get up you put a little fucking suntan lotion on it's over bitches are melting at the fucking beach on Sunday right so was this at the time when you didn't know

that steroids were bad for you or did you guys know and they just didn't care? I had no idea about the juice at this time at all. All the education I had was from him another dear friend of mine but he was the one that was cracking me up that night. And I got a job right after that bartending.

In high school, I got a job on Wednesdays. I wanted that 7 in the morning to bartendant. And on Monday nights, I went there at 6 o'clock in that and bartended to a 3. In high school? In high school. And he would come in, I would tell him, well, drink. I'll buy you one, you buy one. You know what I'm saying?

So you buy three, I give you four. Come on down. Don't worry about the tip. I'm going to steal anyway, so don't worry about nothing here. I'm stealing with both hands. see it. And after a few drinks and a bumper coke, I could tell this kid Ray go anywhere. Like, come here for a second. Go do some push-up. Show these motherfuckers what it's all about. Do you understand me? We could be at a fucking bar mitzvah and he would take his shirt off and a pair of underwear and grab it up and fucking this one, this went on for like a year and a half. This was hilarious.

Was he working with you or you just brought him with you when you worked? Where I went tea? Wherever there was free beer, we were going to mangle a package from somewhere. Wednesday. Somewhere, somehow, we're mangled a bump. What did your bosses say when you showed up with another dude? Like, hey, this is my friend, Darren. No, no, no, no, no. There was no bosses. There was no bosses. There was a girl like Becky that was there from... He was in high school looking at a bar. Three to seven, and I would come under the quarter of the seven. Becky would give me the bank.

Becky would cash out, and I would take over Becky's ship. There's no bar. He never met the boss. I'll tell her, yeah. But I tell him, don't come down until Becky leaves. Becky leaves. She sits down. Her boyfriend comes together. They have a drink. Then Becky leaves. So they would come down like 8.39.

And about by midnight, he'd be on fire between the alcohol, the blow, that steroid going through your heart and shit. And I'd call them over. They'd be like 20 guys in that. I'd call them over. Riggs. Go do some fucking jumping jack. Some push-ups. Take your shirt.

I'll show these motherfuckers who you're about. And he would do diamond push-ups. He'd get a vein would come out of his head. He'd walk around the ball with no shirt on. Just like, what, bitch? Nobody would say dictal. Listen, man, that dude. It was like 7 in the morning.

They're like, what's happening? That was 1982. I met him in 1978. All right. We met, like, playing basketball. He played for St. Bridget's, and I played for St. Michael's. And basically, it was Lincoln School, who was the fucking crazy school. He played.

not a St. Augustine right there on Kelly Boulevard. I can't remember the name of that fucking place. But they all played there. Him, this kid, Fernie, who I went to meet, McShea, they all played there. And those leagues, you could be in the 6th, 7th, or 8th grade. Do you follow me?

And if you were Catholic and you went to, you had to go to church on Sunday, you could play for the fucking team. It was a scam. And you put up at the church, as long as the priest saw you, you were the, you got the fuck out of them. So I stayed, I stayed,

friends of them. When I went to Colorado, I mean, me and him used to rob car stereos. He had a call. He was a team member too. Oh, no, he was family. He had a car that didn't have heat in the wintertime. In New York City, we used to call it the icebox. every time we go in there you gotta have gloves on and shit but it was a tank it was a tank and once a week him and I would cut out of school and we go down to turn the avenue to the Sears and Roebuck

down there right before Chan's dragging in and we'd make it right in there and they put displays up for car stereos like good car stereos like blah punk and shit talking I would walk in and Ray go away from me in the car I would walk in

buy like windshield wiper like two windshield wipers for $2.99 And with that same bag on the way out, pick up two car stereos. That was our Friday. We had a fucking gram a blow and we could buy a case of beer and we had like 60 cash between us.

That was my mentality. Me and one time we went and we fucking stole like four car stereos, maybe six of them. As we were backing out, we hit this fucking car. And there was a guy in the call, but Raygo hit him so fucking off. that his car was wiggling

for like four fucking minutes like we fucked it up we fucked that car up we fucked that car up and the guy was like no no no problems and shit and then we had that ice box until the summer

and when we were graduating in high school one night we were going down the shore there was this dude there was his restaurant called mandos and Paramus New Jersey and the kid's name was Merle behind his back they called him mort.

Right? Mort. He was cool as fuck. I love Rob Merlo, but we used to call him Morton. What if he didn't know? What if he finds out right now? No, he used to call Morton.

We used to call Morton. And he had a great sister. And he was this kind of dude. On Friday nights, his father owned this restaurant. So if he needed dough, he'd come up to you and go, listen, come meet in my father's restaurant, work from 11 at night to 7 in the morning, cleaning the place.

We do a spotless job. You eat whatever you want. Just don't touch the shrimp. That's it. Just promise me you won't touch two shrimp. I promise you. The first thing you went for. The first thing you went.

Who the fucking thing you're dealing with? Take a live lobster. He boiled it. And he used to tell me, every week I do great. You and Conti come down here, the shrimp disappears. I don't understand this. Is that all you guys eat? Let's take this fish.

All you guys eat is my fucking shrimp. We would go there and eat those shrimp and dip it in those fucking horseradish. Jesus Christ, that was set your asshole on fire. Would you actually clean? What's that? Would you clean? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the only way they can come back.

We'd get a gram a blow between four of us. Oh, my God. So in high school, we would be 18. We'd get a gram of blow, put it on the bar at Mando's, start snorting. And each of us would start cleaning. And we'd get out of their zip by 7 o'clock, join like motherfuckers. Everybody goes home happy. Or listen to the savages we were.

because this was happening. Right there, you get out of 6.6.30, you already gacked up. You got a couple beers. We'd steal a car, a case from Mandoz, put it in a car, and we'd drive down the Jersey show. Why didn't he just hire a cleaning crew? It seems like it'd be a lot cheaper than the beer, steaks. You have no fucking. It was his son.

So he was trying to give his son a little action, giving responsibility and shit like that. That's what you don't have kids. So we go, so one Friday night, he asked us, he goes, are you guys going to be, are you guys going on the shore and I go yeah he goes come help me I can't because me and re go going into the city and together a few eight balls because we had to kill time that night we had to wait till two o'clock till my friend got out of UPS to drop down the shore he worked from 11 to 2 in high school in UPS and guess what guys today he runs Seekawkes UPS one of the biggest fucking districts in the oh wow yeah he got paid

He had stock options and shit. He's stuck in for the long haul. Since 1980, he's been at UPS. That's how many years. That's 20. That's 37 fucking years at UPS. And he's held every job. He started right there with us.

And on that Friday night, the deal was, go to work. We'll go into the city. We'll buy the four or eight balls, whatever fuck you need, and then we'll bring him over. Now, rule number one with the ice box was you couldn't turn it off.

Once you got in the car, I had to stay on the whole night. You couldn't turn the car home until you got to your destination. The car can't eat itself. Against my better will, I go, Ray, stop at 178, let's get a bag of reefer. If we're going to go down the fucking down the shoulder, let's get some refa too. In those days, we used to go to 178 Street, maybe 180, and there was a pool hall. And you walked in a pool hall, you walked in the back, and there'd be a guy with a pool table with 20 different types of wheat, 20 different types of packages.

You tell them what you want, you give them the cash, they'd buzz you out. Boom, nobody said nothing. go up there, the guy gives us papers. I go in a car, we roll the number. On the way down, I get Rego tuned up. Between 180 and 135, we're fucking tuned up. The good thing about 135 in those days is that had the,

there were Dominican's Colombians at that time that were downstairs, but on the corner, it was a bodega. And Becky, they had like Pateli. You know what I'm saying? It was the heart of fucking the Upper West Side. And so that's what we did to not make us look like assholes. We'd walk into the bodega first and buy a piece of chicken or whatever.

So we weren't just walking around that neighborhood, the cops pulled. What do you three white dudes doing here? Right, all right. I'm getting chicken up the fucking corner. You ever have the chicken from the corner office? Fucking stealth. You know, you're throwing them off. You're just not walking out like a fucking idiot like people do today.

I go to the weed store, and there's people parked in front of the weed store. Go for a fucking ride. Didn't you ever buy weed before? Go for a fucking hike. You're over here advertising. There's a red right right there. Go fucking right around the corner. Where he's in there, you're supposed to go buy booze, papers, condoms for your dirty-ass fucking lighters, whatever else you need.

Razor blades. So, yeah, we would, we would, we went, we parked it across the street. Already we made a U-turn like we were going to go right back to the Jersey side, to the bridge. I don't know what. In those days, it was $2.50 and a ball. I probably had like $1,100 on me. I was just going to give him $1,100 and give me whatever the fuck you got. It was a downstairs disc attack.

I walked downstairs, boom. I go downstairs, a bunch of people dancing the Spanish music. The guy's a horrible DJ. He's going from, like, Spanish music to that's the way, uh-huh. And it's not working. He's scratching the albums worse than I do here. But wait, at 18, you were spending $1,100. It wasn't my money.

It was your money, Becky's money, my money. So we're all getting an eight ball. We could throw a gram on that, get four and a half and a half a gram for fucking $100. I mean, we each keep a half grand, and we can party, you know what I'm saying? And whoever stays up the longest could hang out with Becky late night and shit and talk to it and say a couple things to it. Say a couple things. Sure. Hvers the next door.

They had a whole business going, basically. We're stoned in front of there. I'm getting ready to get the fuck in there without even knowing at 11. 30 at night in the heart of Harlem in June on a 90 degree night Darren Regal turns the fucking ignition

off and as he's doing I go did you just turn the fucking call me and he goes oh shit I forgot I got oh shit ain't nobody gonna stop and give you a jumper you need to jump it every time yeah oh no do you just abandon the car

no I can't walk fucking these fucking savages downstairs, who this place doubles as a chicken den. You know, they have chickens and they fight in the daytime? Sure. That's what it does in the daytime. And at night, they put a stage down. And people, like, you know, go in there and dance,

and they sell blow in the back. It was classic. So I can't ask them to come out. This is their spot here. Yeah. This is their spot. So there's no way I can go in there and ask them for jumper cables. And by the way,

I need a jump. So I walked the fuck in there. I salute everybody. They all know me. Hello. How come to me, man. Oh, shit. You know, you get to talking.

You had to go into a little DJ booth. And the guy had to scale right there where the DJ booth was. That's how wide open it was. And the door had to be open because he would stick his hand. You see the door on top here? He would niche it out.

And he would put blow up there. He would take out the bag and go, what do you want? 35, 20, I won an eight ball. As a matter of fact, here's 1100 and he had an assistant who came in and the assistant would get the fucking aluminum foil. In those days, they still gave it to him big aluminum foil. So he would go, what do you put in there?

One more tau as an eighth. He would cut out aluminum foil perfect for an eighth. So that night, we filled it up. He gave me like six aluminum foils. I had more aluminum falls than fucking aluminum foil. I walk out there, I fucking go to the corner, Now the bodega, they got a dog that's tied up in front of there. You got to walk past the dog that's tied up.

Is it like a nice poodle? Like a cute little dog? No, no, no. Is it like a guard dog or what? He's like a German shepherd that was raised in Harlem. He got hit by cars like eight times. Nobody gave him love. The bodega got tied him up there and throws them scraps and calls them fucking racial slurs and shit.

You know what I'm saying? It's one of those type of dogs that's angry at life. If you're going to walk in for that bodega, you've got to walk in that. walk past that fucking dog. How'd they get business? Were they biting all the... You have to walk up to the corner, walk down, and then creep into

the store on the back, and hope the dog ain't fucking watching. If you think I'm fucking crazy. I go in there, I buy some patellito, got in a couple of Cocoa Ricos. Is that what you do when you're on the Upper West Side, hanging out with fucking Spanish people? I walk back across the street, I give

Darren a Coco Rico, a couple of Pateras. I started eating them. I go, Darren, how are we going to start this fucking car? he goes, bro, every once in a while, the car takes and I started, and we can get the fuck out of here. He goes, I just wanted to tell you, no. He twisted it didn't fucking take. No. We're on 135th Street in Amsterdam with fucking, I don't know, how many grams are blow on us in a fucking car.

Two kids with New Jersey licenses. So if a cop comes by, are you fucking crazy? What are you doing here? What the fuck are you doing here, you dumb motherfuckers? Do you guys have drugs? No, we don't. Let me check the fucking car. Don't make me go get a fucking dog.

You know, that type of shit. You're dead. You're dead. You're sitting there like, so I told him, I said, we're dead. So we got two choices. We got two choices here. We could sit in here until the fucking cops come, which is no air conditioning and no heat.

The car's got nothing. We got the windows open. Or we could go for a fucking hike and go sit on the corner, a stash to blow. And from that pay phone, call UPS and call Stinky and tell him what's going on here. He's got to pick us up. And that's exactly what we did.

And we had to sit on that fucking corner with the blow hidden in the garbage can until Stinky came over, got us, jumpstarted our car, and then Stinky, who loved fried chicken, I'm saying, I got to go in there. And I'm standing on the corner. Every time he'd go into the fucking bodega, I'd yell at the dog. A dog would bite Stinky.

and Stinkie would stop, man, stop. I didn't still do nothing. Would he show up in a UPS truck? No, at this time, no. At this time he was a loader. At this time, he was a loader. At that time, you started a loader from 11 to 2, and you have to touch a certain amount of boxes every hour to get braces.

11 p.m. to 2 a.m. Okay, that's not bad. When you're a senior and a junior in high school, That's not a bad job. No. It started off at like 10 an hour. Oh, that's, oh, my gosh. Three hours?

Yeah, Monday through Friday. Yeah, it's 1982. Monday through Friday, no insurance. And then he... He worked there for two years and he got hurt. And by that time, he had insurance, workman's comp. We used to drive out the fucking... The doctor once a week and he'd get checked down.

He'd get pills. We'd eat the... fucking pills. There were muscle relaxes. They didn't do dick, but we still ate them anyway and shit. But this kid, Raygo, I'm telling you about, here's the funny thing that, me and him lost contact, he got

in deep, I got in deep, I got locked up, and we rekindled our relationship, like in 1991 on the phone. And we got really tight, and then I went back to Jersey, and this guy was fucking crazy. Like, he was one of the few people

that was as crazy as I was Let me give you an example. Like in 90 and 84, there was a cocaine craze in that whole area. There was a cocaine crane across the country. But there were some Colombians who were going to New York City. And they were taking their nicotine out of the cigarette, half of it, and they would put cocaine in it, and it wouldn't burn right. So people started using, at that time, they were going through everything.

They were going through free-brace cocaine. they were going through, which is just the rocks in the pipe and shit. But you have to cook the rocks yourself with bacon soda. It's a bunch of fucking trauma. A lot of work for the bang, and you go through thousands of dollars. But these motherfuckers figure out that you could get a cup of coffee. You know, the cup you have a home of coffee. A mug.

A mug of coffee. You put four fingers of water in there. You put a gram of fucking Coke in there, and you put a little teaspoon or two of bacon soda. you put that in your microwave oven you put 28 seconds it comes out you go in there with a spoon take out that little chunk of white shit

you crack that motherfucker up into a little powder you take refa you cut that up you get fucking a rolling paper you put the weed in then you take that fucking coke and you sprinkle it in that joint and you're fucking tight that joint up real tight

and then you get a lighter and you cook the cocaine in the joint with that lighter underneath it. You just keep going like this until the paper looks like an old newspaper. That means that the Coke melted in and they used to call them bazookas. All right. So everybody in New York was smoking,

bazookas. That was a lot of work. Bro, but people were taking out. Listen, these are savages who are higher like a hot chick. Like New York City. Becky, what are he doing tonight? Nothing. Listen, Becky. I've had a crush on you for a long time. What if I gave you? What if I gave you a 500

for three hours? And you packed little packages of bacon soda topless. Would that work for you? And you're like, what the fuck? I ain't doing nothing better with my life. You go down there. And you just wait. They would just, you know, they'd get girls.

They'd get whatever they could. Guys would just go, you know, I'm going to cook bazookas. I got an ounce of Coke. And you would go to somebody's house, and they'd be there. Somebody would be there all night. Putting coke and bacon soda in the microwave. In the microwave for 28 seconds. And every time you heard, bing, your whole body would stop.

Jesus Christ. When is he going to stop binging? You know what I'm saying? These are too many fucking bing? What did his neighbors say? Like, if he looked in an apartment and there's like, I know. All night. Every, like, minute you're, bing.

And it smells like that. But here's the professional D was. One night, I'm driving on Kennedy Boulevard, the Zach to the Gills, with somebody else. And I look up. And I see a guy carrying a box. I look at my bag. I go, that looks like Darren. And he goes, that is Darren.

We pull over. And I look at the box. It wasn't a box. It was a microwave on it. With the cord and everything? With the whole cord. And I go, why do you have a microwave oven? He goes, listen, I don't want to go to some of these houses.

Then I have a microwave oven. Then we got a problem. You know what I'm saying? So instead, he goes, the last two places I went to party, didn't have a microwave oven. And that's bullshit. Who don't have a microwave oven? He had a microwave oven.

He carried one everywhere. He was yoked at this time. But that same dude, it was funny because the eye night, last week I was in Utah. and before the late show, I got on stage and I told him. I got out of the blue, I just thought of Darren. Wow.

I go, what the fuck would Darren think? That's what I said to myself. And I got off the stage, one home, got on the plane, came home, no big a deal. The kids were home. My wife, we played, they went to church,

I got on Facebook, and when I opened Facebook, it was a picture of Darren Reagan. And he would have been, it was his birthday. His cousin was. put the picture up. Me and his cousin

are tight. His cousin put the picture up in guys. It was like somebody grabbed my lung. Like I just couldn't breathe for a second when I saw that picture.

Like you don't see people for a long time. Like just to see his image he was there, yoke smoking a cigar and my lung stopped. You know, and you know what,

bro, he had his little situation in his life and stuff, but this is something. A lot of people don't know about him. When I first got into county seriously, the guy who pushed me the most was that lunatic

and he did some crazy shit at the comedy clubs he did some crazy shit at comedy clubs man one time he made a dude put me up on stage like he walked up to the dude he's like you put him on stage

I'm gonna fuck you up right here and the dude went up on stage and said somebody just came up to me and said I got to put this dude up it will fuck me up like shit like that oh my God Do you think you had a moment like on Celia,

where she's like always seeing her mom and then she sees her mom? No, because I've been trying to see. When she passed away? Do you think that that thought of him was like kind of a... No, because I've been trying to see people for 30 years. The last time I saw a spirit, I was about four, five. Yeah. That's the last time I thought I saw a fucking spirit, but I was also full.

Who did you see? When you're four, you see a lot of creepy fucking shit in your mind. at that time I was fried bananas my father had died my father was died for it yeah my mind was fried bananas your father goes out one night and never comes back and you're a kid

and you're his fucking right hand so something I was broken as it was and one day I told my mom I said I saw a spirit in the kitchen which I really did I got up in the middle of night and I saw this fucking image in the kitchen

and he had like a fucking jacket on and he turned around and that's it and I just stood there for a second and my body stood and that was it I never fucking saw a spirit again 50 years later still haven't seen one

I've been waiting I've been waiting for somebody to show up and tap me in the shoulder in the middle of night and talk to me and shit but even just having thought of him could have been kind of no and that's why I know that's why I counted for so as I saw that picture I go whoever tells you no

you know my best friend Jimmy Burkle he's the one I came out to Colorado with he was taught me and him were tight he was a great dude I was very lucky to have him in my life I learned a lot how to be a friend from him but he was in the hospital with cancer

and I kept calling his cell phone you know what I couldn't get a hold of him and I knew it was just a matter of days before he was going to die and I got a call from him Friday And he called

And he fucking pretty much told me goodbye And the next day he was gone And I'm like, at least he fucking called You know what I'm saying? Like in my mind I'm like, something makes people do something like that When Carmine Balzano died last year The morning he died, he called me

When I was calling him back He didn't answer and I knew That's right you said And a week later they go Coco We looked at his phone You called him You called him 10 minutes later He must have died right after he hung up

Which is fucking creepy. What if he would have said hello? Cocoa, I was thinking about any hang out of the phone, he'd fucking die. You know, I believe now because I've seen and felt creepy fucking shit, you know. It's not on that level. What about deja vu? And it's not, for me, it's not usually with big things. It's like little conversations or things I've seen before.

But it just, like, it happens a lot. And I don't think it's stuff that happened before. It's just really, I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy, but it happens to me every few months. Really? Yeah, at least every six months or something. It used to happen to me a lot more when I was younger. And then as I got older, I got out of deja vu business.

But sometimes on an airport, sometimes just at weird places. It's like walking down the aisle, the grocery store. Yeah. And you'll have one. Something random. The creepiest thing. Before my mom died right across the street, the house that I robbed like four times

and running the Puerto Rican dude Rudy and the speakers and shit well out of nowhere some other lady moved in there and she was crazy human lady how crazy is that? And she was a black human chick and not not attractive or anything she was like in her

50s and stuff and this is a fucking hilarious story she would how big thing was that she passed and went to She passed a spirit Like every couple Fucking nights a week

You know You would hear yelling and screaming She'd be out there Bo Bo, bawl and stuff Like saying fucking African stuff And How did your white Catholic neighbors Like that?

Well, you know, it's like embarrassing my mom My mom's like, I don't know this fucking lady You know what I'm saying? Why do you, you know Because she was Cuban So my mom went over and talk to and stuff and one night dog this fucking I'm coming up the corner and she's out and her daughter's like a spirit come back in the house oh my god she talks to it like a dog no like she would talk to her

like the spirit like she knew it was a spirit in her mother's body her mother would be out there barefoot walking on glass and shit yelling in African terms like out in the street the spirit that entered her wanted to go outside and yell at people and talk to people my god and I'll never forget this dog. I saw her. I was 15, 16. I didn't make eye contact with her. I kept walking up the hill. And this bitch started yelling. I mean like, ha-ho, how-ho, ha-ho. Like, in this weird language, she crossed the street halfway. And as I was putting my,

in those days, I could either walk up those three stairs, or I had the garage keys. I could put my key in the garage. We had the old school, then you just pick up the garage and the car was picking up the garage she says and she goes hey your father has a message for you dog I shut that

fucking garage door ran upstairs I mean you know shit like that is happening you didn't get the message no what was a message I didn't stay for the message but it's my dead dad of fucking

10 years he's really going to send me a message guys How would you know your dad wasn't alive? This is the question. That's what I'm saying. This is the question that has always haunted me. I never told my mom. I never told me.

You know, shit like that happens. Sometimes, do you ever believe in lucky coincidences? Always. Yeah, it's a have a life. Yeah, you know, so lucky coincidences. Oh. I don't want to see a spirit. I don't want to go to a fucking seance.

When I was a kid, I grew up around that. I grew up on that side. Cuban stuff because they always felt that since my dad had died, he was kind of like a night. There's nights, mercy crawls in the bed with us. And it's a

long fucking night of sleep. She likes to sleep She sleeps sideways, but it's not that. It's how many fucking time she moves and asleep. So like if my mom was still alive and saw that,

by now she would have got to see this old lady. who was through cards for her or fucking seaweed seeds and told her what bothering this little girl. It could be a relative of 10 years. It could be somebody who's not letting this child sleep. Nine of the 10, they just make you put a glass of water under the bed. And that works? Number one, they make you put a glass of water under your bed.

And if you talk in your sleep, you have to put your right slipper over your left slipper. I've never heard that one That's as deep as Cuban as it gets So for these motherfuck Let's say you're banging the fucking boss And your husband don't know You don't want to talk in your sleep, do you? So you put the right shoe over the left shoe

Oh my God If your husband tries You're talking to your sleep And you're sucking the boss's dick You gotta put the right shoe over the left shoe And you'll be fine Oh my God That's how fucking Cuban superstitious

my family was. What about... We had a few of them, but not that. What about the, I mean, like, the whole animal sacrifice part? Like, did that mess you up as a kid? I mean... It was a secret that I had amongst myself.

I never told none of my friends. But then as I grew up, I learned about all these other. In Israel, they killed chickens. Yeah, they swing them around by their necks. You know, it's great. It's creepy as fun. Everybody somewhere around that has to kill them.

something. A goat, an animal. In Cuba, they sacrifice goats. Goats, pigeons. Every God requires a different animal. Yeah, they used to end the Bible, they're sheep, and all that stuff. There's no cats. There's no fucking dogs. There's no fucking guerrillas. Monkey, yes.

Monkey, yes. Some saints require a monkey. That's a cute monkey. Yeah, some saints require a monkey. But not like every fucking day and who's got money for a fucking monkey? You know what I'm saying? These people trying to get their life together and they got to throw a curveball out of them. And you're going to get to keep it

and do fun monkey things. Anyway, you've got to get like a little monkey and kill him and shit. My friend had a monkey in his bathroom one time for Santeria purposes. When I was about 80, he was a gay dude. I don't know what his name is now, but fucking he is.

I never forget that dude. You can go to the bathroom. like, I'm there with my mom, my fucking Santereree got him. And she's like, Coco's got a pee. He needs to go to the bed. He can't go to that one. There's a monkey in there. I'm like, there's a monkey in there.

He's like, you want to see him? He opened up. He had like blue hair and shit. I ran the fuck out of there. What do you want to do with the monkey? He goes, the saint wants a monkey. Fuck you. You got him from like the shampoo testing places when they were done with them?

I don't know. I don't know where the fuck they got him. What are you going to ask questions? I don't know how else a monkey would have died blue hair. I was fucking. All I want is a fucking go pace and get the fuck out of it. And there are fancy monkeys that have blue hair? I'm sure there are.

Yeah, there must be something. They're like, you know, birds. They're like different colors. The animal stuff didn't bother me. Oh, I see how you're asking me. At first, I didn't have to really look or be involved. And then the more I went as a child, you have to, you know, like I rose in rank. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Like I rose in ranks Well, they're not going to show like a three-year-old Like no, no, no. No, no. But they must. Now, all these things I went there for, I understood what was going on. You understand me, guys. I understood.

I knew at the age of six, Becky, that I wasn't like regular kids. That was six. I knew something wasn't right. I'm not going to tell you I knew it was my dad. I knew something was missing. So when I hooked up with my gun, godmother at the age of four. I liked her.

Like, I liked her. She never said nothing to me about Santa Maria. She would tell me stories about Catholicism. Okay, and how they wrapped up with Santa Maria. And the stories were great. And then she showed me her saints, and I said to it, and she goes, because when you're a kid, you like the fucking beads.

You follow me? So you like the beads. So I would get like a bead. And then she'd tell me the story of that saint. And that's how I got involved with it. And then on Sundays, if I was there, she'd be cooking, you know, but her job was to fucking people would come there all the time to do services. So when I wasn't with her, I'd be outside playing.

And I would walk in there from time to time when they'd be killing a goat or fucking a lamb or a couple chickens or a pigeon or a turkey. They'd kill a bunch of different birds. And in those days, they used to drive to mom. New Jersey to pick up the animals, which is like a three-hour drive, four-hour. It was like a half a night drive. And they would come back and then, then when I got into the religion, that was where it was fucking wild. It was wild the animals.

Like the night that you get initiated, there's a lot of animals, dog. You know, yeah, yeah, sheep. They got a couple of them, the ones with the horns, the ones without the horn. maybe the saint wants the horns you know it's fucking crazy did they sacrifice them all for you not for fucking me oh I thought it was for like the ceremony

the ceremony yeah not for me it was for the ceremony but you have to be up all night it was tremendous till this day I sit there and I'm like wow I can't believe I sat there and I enjoy it I still remember getting out of there

going to school on Monday and they wouldn't let me go to school with a white hat on Why? Because the school teacher said, you have to take your hat out. I was completely bald. And my mom went in there, went into the room with the principal game, like $500. You were wearing a hat. And I was wearing a fucking hat in the school.

That's simple. Fucking crazy. No, it seems like a Santerese is like a personal, like, are there churches, or is it all like your family and your friends form little groups? I was raised in the old school Santa Maria. when you keep it to yourself. We're not on a bicycle selling. Not knocking on doors?

Yeah, we're not knocking on doors. In my world, in my world, it's not like, I loved it. I knew it was me. I loved going to Catholic church. I love all that shit. But at the same time,

I never thought I wanted to make a living doing it. Like, not at one point in my life. Not even a living. I just meant for like the Santeria aspect of it. Was there? Are there churches where you can go and do these ceremonies? I don't know.

I don't know. They're probably more like at people's houses. Yeah, that's us. Yeah, it's people's houses. Right. Okay. There's no, I don't, I've never heard of a church. Like a place to.

The only church I heard of is a church or what's happening now, cock'sucker. You know what I'm saying? Nice segue. Fucking, that's the way to do it. That's my girl Becky from Matt therapy and shit. what else has been going on you're at yourself you're preparing for eBI for the qualifier

yeah what is it June like 11th or 12th you got a month I can't I'm sure to do chuh do

chuh do chah oh my god I'm surprised you're not at her door at 6 a.m. Joey just with like the golf cart to like make a run eggs to swallow

look at Becky's pants I know if you're at Becky's house a six in the morning, ain't to watch a run. You know what I'm saying? It's to watch your fucking do jumping jacks or something like that. All creepy in the corner. Becky, just do jumping jacks.

And just watching sweat. You know what I'm saying? We've been doing jumping jacks for six weeks, Joy. What's going on? It's a shame you're working really hard. Yeah. I can feel in your voice when we spoke the first time. You know.

It's a lot. It's a lot in your body. I mean, I was training. four days a week Jiu-jitsu four days a week and then strength and conditioning three days a week

so that's a lot man that's a lot finally I had a muscle just say fuck you and I'm not doing this anymore

you know jiu-jitsu like sometimes I go jihitsu two weeks in a row I go three times plus that Sunday

which is light yeah and guess what like it catches you feel it you feel it And I have to stay at home and work out of day and stretch a little more and stuff. But four times a week, that's a big time commitment, man.

That's big. And eventually, the more times you go, the higher the percentages of you hurting an arm, getting a hand. They jacked up my wrist today. He caught me on this roll, this kid, and tucked my wrist that it was, it was, I could feel the wrist about to just fall off. He was going to take it with him and shit. I'm not old. That bone will break right away. You're not scared, huh?

The funny thing I didn't even get hurt doing Jiu-Jitsu. No, no. I was doing like a simple workout and just... So how much longer you're rehabbing? Tell it it gets better, tell it feels better. Where'd you guys do the podcast last week? L.A. Jiu-Jitsu Club. And who did you interview?

The guys from L.A. Jiu-Jitsu Club. Joey Hoss. Joey Hoss, yeah. Eric Medina. Eric showed up later, so he wasn't actually on. I like to congratulate you got engaged in Hawaii to Bonnie Staley. I like to congratulate Eric Medina and Bonnie Staley. They got engaged in Hawaii over the week or just yesterday and the day before.

Today, I think even. If you're in fucking L.A. to watch comedy and you like to roll, check out the L.A. Jiu-Jitsu Hotel. It's cooler than fuck. Joey Haas is up there, McDena. They got another guy from tent plant up there. You go up there two in the morning And there's people fucking rolling

Pretty much Yeah, it's 24 Because one of them works in the morning And one of them works nights Yeah So there's always someone there To be able to run the show They have like the dining room

Just mats now Yeah That's crazy That's how it's always been They have like a living room area With some couches And then the dining room Is all mats

And they've They have a lot of rooms They have a pool They have like a lot of Spots for people Like they've had teams Stay there So at the LA Jujit too club

It's pretty cool Yeah, it's pretty awesome It's like a little hostile And you don't have to go anywhere And now they even like take people To training at certain places Like they'll take people to HQ They'll take people to Jean Jocx

Or wherever they want to go And here's what I also I know is about Jiu-Jitsu I watch a lot of the guys I'm gonna watch it though Sometimes I'll roll twice And I know my limitations

I'm not gonna roll four times I'll take a roll off and I roll the third time until the class ends. And then you go right into a warm-up. You're following me. But here's the beauty. When I'm sitting against the wall, and I'm breathing, I'm watching,

and I'm watching the guys. So you start getting really strong in Jiu-Jitsu. Your body starts to get adjusted to it. And all of a sudden you start getting stronger, which means you start going a little harder. Yeah. I see the progression. And then one day

you see them come in with a bandage on their fucking head or a fucking cast on their arm or a knee with whatever and you're like, what happened? I was here rolling one night and they popped my knee on a leg lock and you sit there and go, you know what?

And it's funny, I've been watching these guys how the system goes and it's like you come in, you love it, you know, There's limitations, and then one day you break away from a limitation, and you're in that jiu-jitsu paula every time, every day, every class. You don't miss a fucking class. You love it.

You eat, breathe, whatever, jih Tzu. And you get strong. And at that time, you're getting stronger and strong and stronger. And once you get that first belt, Jesus, fucking Christ, if you thought you loved it before, you're loving it now. As a matter of fact, you're not going to go back to work. You're going to get your pension, your 401K, you're just going to fucking train. You know, it's the fun, and all of a sudden, you start getting more and more involved, which you're supposed to.

Mm-hmm. Which you're fucking supposed to. Well, Becky, I mean, you obviously still work, but you, you've had a few different jobs since I've known you. And haven't you decided to, like, focus more on jiu-jitsu than on that aspect of your life? Yeah. I went through the exact same path that he basically just, just talked about. I had the job that. paid well.

It just didn't leave me time to train much, so I had to get something that would allow me the time to spend. And then little by little, I just got more and more consumed. I wanted to do more, not just Jiu-Jitsu. How else can I involve it?

You know, I think of being 21 to 28 and wanting a job that paid a lot of money because the primary focus was money. But the time I got on stage, the first time I was 32 or 31. I knew that, money wasn't necessary. It took me all those years to realize that I was chasing a wrong fucking dream. You know, I had a high school education, a couple semesters in college. Who the

fuck was I kidding? You know, I could sell my ass off, whatever you got. I'll take a job against your little college students. I guarantee I'll smoke these bitches. I'll smoke them and smoke them over. They won't know. They're coming in here with a fucking degree in business. I'll eat them up. The last four years, I've been selling belly-to-belly sales, bitch. Cars, pipes, bazookas, grams of blow. I'm hitting you from every fucking aspect. You're getting postcards on your birthday. You know what I'm that dude?

So, what the fuck are we talking about? Anyway. No, no, no, I'm sorry. When you realize that comedy, you do it for it. Yeah, that you fucking, one day you go, fuck it. I want to do what makes me happy. Yeah. You know?

And in the rent, I'll, the $2,000 car payment, I'll fucking sell the car and get myself a fucking bicycle, okay? Because all I need to do is go to Jiu-Jitsu. My job is three blocks away. You start downsizing. Yeah. You know what? That two-bedroom, I don't need it. That bedroom, I don't need no fucking office.

Tell the landowner to put me in a fucking studio. You know, and all of a sudden, on and on. You just learn limitations. Yeah. When I left Boulder in 95, the car was what I could afford. The car cost me $600 fucking dollars. That was going to be my apartment, my office for life. That was my investment.

That was the last of every fucking dime I borrowed for fucking that car. I didn't care. My rent was $35 a month for the pager and gasoline. I had a page. That's how you got a hold of me. That's it. And I got a call. card for 10 bucks.

When you're trying to make it work, that's all he's, you break it down to this. What are you going to do for comedy? What are you going to do? What are you, how much you're going to make in the beginning? You're scrapping on 50s. If you could pop together 350s, if you could pop together six 50s, what's that? That's that's 300. That's it.

That's the first month of comedy. Welcome to comedy, Cogsucker. What are you going to do with 300 dollars? That's gasoline. You have a couple cocktails. Maybe one night you get a hotel. Your sister puts you up for three days. You know, because.

You get breaks in between. Yeah. And the same thing happens there. And they tell you after like a week of a half. So what are you going to do? You're going to get a job? You're like, not really. I want the jih Tzzo.

I want to do time. Thanks for the time. I'm out. I want to be a comedian. And they look at you like, are you fucking crazy? It's not going to work out. That's a long road. Any road you're going to take is going to be fucking long.

You know? Look at your wife now. She got to drive the fucking, who's going to go. Oh, boy height starting on fucking Monday. Every day. It's going to suck. Yeah. What are you going to do?

You know, that's where you start. That's where you happen. In 20 years, she'll take the helicopter to the ball hearts. Yeah. I mean, I can't tell you how great it was not having to drive the 405 twice a day. Yeah. I did that for two, three years. That was terrible.

That was awful. That's the other option. So, yeah, see, you've got options here. And both of them are fucking bad. So you've got to pick what's your worst poison. What's the one that's going to kill me in least amount of fucking time? At least all enjoy the death. Yeah, like, that's, uh, I already had a very interesting podcast.

And it was with, like, someone who was within Thailand, like an Australian guy who, uh, has been running like a cave hotel almost, like a cave exploring hotel in Thailand for 30 years from Australia. Just never left Thailand. And it's, it's weird. They were talking about how it's, why do you spend all that time at work to pay for all that stuff if you can't do or see anything? You can't enjoy it. So, I mean, how did your parents react to you lowering your job or lower, like, changing your focus? My mom still gives me a hard time.

Yeah. But, all right. My dad, you know, he's do what makes you happy kind of person. Right. But my mom, to this day, every, she's like, when are you going to get a job? When are you going to get the, you know, she thinks I need to get a, you know, Monday through Friday, 9 to 5 job that has insurance. Does she send you, like, job postings? She did once.

Thank God she doesn't do it that often, but she did send you one. She's like, did you see it? And I ignored it. And like two weeks later, my doctor. And she goes, by the way, did you see that job listing that I sent you? I'm like, yeah, but I ignored it. I'm just thinking about when I had made that decision, like, I was like, wow, I'm separated now. You know, they're not going to hire me as a roof or no more.

They told me they were moving the company back to Jersey. that meant a lot of money I went to the other roofing companies in the area and they offered me half of what I was making as a roofer and I'm like wow I'm fucking dead like I'm dead

I'm like I go back and sell cars but I go you know what I really want to do county and I just started selling shit dog I just went all out I knew what I didn't want anymore fuck this and that was it

you just downsize and start all over again. I was living out of a car from June of 95 to fucking I had that car to probably 96 then they towed that motherfucker

up in Seattle, Washington. They towed your home? Yeah, no, at that time I had an apartment Oh, okay. But the fucking bumper

had fallen off it. It was a Dotson dog, a four-door Dotson. My dad had one of them. That was a tank of debt. That car had taken me from Colorado to Baltimore probably eight times. Colorado to Michigan, probably ten times. And then over and over and over from Colorado to Washington State down to Oregon,

zip over California, back to Colorado. It was a tank. And all this car ever needed was for me to fix the radiator. Every once a month to put the metal in there so it wouldn't leak. The only thing that this car needed was little oil once a week. Gasoline and love. This car, 600 bucks, bro. This car was it.

I couldn't even believe it. One time the frame broke. The fucking frame broke in Ogallala, Nebraska. I was coming back from Michigan. I had picked up $450 for three days at Joey's Comedy Club in Dearborn, Michigan. that was one of the most embarrassing situations in my fucking life because I met a woman when I was in Michigan and stuff

and I lingered there until Monday and at that time I was whatever old I was and by that time my shoulders were starting to hurt I wasn't at that point once I left Boulder I had a weight set in my living room

So I lifted weights every night after comedy or before I went out to do comedy. I did basic stretches, bent over rows. I didn't have dumbbells or a lap machine. But I did bent over rows and all that stuff. Well, after I moved out of Boulder, my shoulders started hurting because of lack of activity. And I'll never forget that in Michigan, I saw a place to sit in massage, and I pulled up. And I got this, I ring the door, and this is how dumb I was back in. I want him.

The girl comes out and she's fucking gorgeous. Hi, how are you? What do you like? I go massage. What's the matter? I go, my shoulders in really bad shape. I just need somebody to rub my shoulder. And next thing you know, she goes,

right, hold on, and walk back here. She takes her back to this room, and the lady comes back there. She leaves, tells me to get naked. And there's no way I'm getting naked. Like, I'm one of those dudes. That's not fucking happening. But me to get naked, you got to get naked.

you gotta get naked. Or not, I ain't getting fucking naked. Let me know what you need and I'll help you out. But I just ain't taking off my pants because you're telling me to get naked. The fucking little lady comes back. This is not the most best-looking woman. If the Lucy Lou would have came back,

the chick from the counter, we could have had a little party. Lucy Lou? But this fucking nasty fuck, there's no way. Lucy Lou's grandma. And she looks at me, she's like, lay down, lay down. I'm like, I don't want to lay down. I just want my shoulder up.

I can sit right here, rub my shoulder, put Bengay on my shoulder. And she's like, fucking, no, no, no, no, you got to lay down. You got to lay down. And she couldn't close me. And finally she looks at me. She goes, lay down, and I give you a hand job $30. And I looked at him and I go, what the fuck are you thinking?

Get the fuck. I ran out of there and I was pissed for two hours that somebody would charge you $30 to give you a fucking hand job. That's disgusting. That's like, people do it for each other for free. You know what I'm like? 30 fucking. to give me a hand job with that crusty fucking hand.

Oh my God knows where the fuck it's been. So now I'm cutting through, whatever. I pulled down fucking Nebraska. I'm an ogalala. Ogalala. Boom. Something happens to the fucking car. I pull over.

I got a flat tire. Right behind me and the rear tire on the driver's side. I jacked the car up. I got a spare. and I got another spare in there too you know me though I got a spare and I got the bicycle tie so I put the spare around there

bye put the jack in the trunk drink some water whatever soda I get back in the car boom I started up again the car's feeling weird and also I'm being zh

zh zh zh zh zh and also after about 10 minutes I hear bah again I go what the fuck I got another flat tie. Same one? Same fucking one.

The rear side. I go, what the fuck? Again, I jacked the car up. I put the bicycle tire on this motherfucker. And the bicycle tire lit on fire. Like, it melted. It was like that rubber, that fucking creepy rubber. It just flattened from melting.

And I finally, a guy pulled over. Oh, no. Here we go. I sat there, and I was going. I start walking. There's no cell phones, nothing like that. I start walking.

And within 10 minutes, a girl pulls up. How did it fuck with a little white dress on and shit. When I got in the car, she started driving, she went to make a turn, and a bush of hair came out from under a fucking armpit.

Do you understand me? Like, I was looking at it like maybe this could be the fucking night of my life. My car blows up, but I get the best piece of dirty white ass that I've ever gotten in my life in Nogalana, Nebraska.

By that time, I have like $350 in my pocket. Then she tells me, no, no, no, no, no. We'll get the car towed and you'll go back to the commune. I'm like, what commune? She goes, we run a commune for Christians. Come on up there. You can spend a few days and relax. You can meet my husband.

This chick's had no bra on with a see-through, like, fucking tremendous. This can only happen to Uncle Joe. I saw that bush of hair and Christians. I got the fuck out of the car. I got the tow truck. I had a towed the frame broke on the fucking car. That's the only thing that ever happened to that, Dotson. Your car?

My dad had Dotson. I melted a crayon in it in the backseat once. I left it on the seat. It was a purple crane. It's all I got. What are you going to do? It's always got a story about the Dotson. Do you?

I have no stories about Dotson's. Like that's all part of comedy. I'm pretty sure those were gone by the time you were born. Like when you first start, you're not making a lot of money, but your car breaks down. Yeah, from all the fucking driving And you got to include that in the budget There's never a budget

Like that's for a breakdown That's the part of I don't understand Like I'm not sure How homeless people keep it together To be honest Well they're homeless Because they can't keep it together Well no but I'm like I'm like

Can you believe this fucking guy? No no, let me finish Okay Like when you are starting comedy right And you have to go buy a car And they're gouging you on everybody corner and then your rent goes up the next year every year

and they're grabbing you on that and it's just like I'm lucky enough that I can afford it right now Are you talking about my life right now? I'm talking about my rent just went up 75 bucks Hey mine too! With three weeks notice Oh yeah so I'm kind of I'm thinking about causing a stink for a month

but we'll see. At least push it back another month that's why that I think mine starts in June I go up 75 bucks And I just bought a new car That huge tax bill that I have Yeah. I've never heard of this happening to anyone in the history of the IRS. I got $200 back because they calculated something wrong.

Like, I didn't ask for it. They just sent it. So I'm going to go there now that I feel like I paid way more than I should have. Whoa. So, yeah. I don't think I've heard. So, but my point was, is when you can't afford it, when you can't, like, how do you keep going? How do you, why you, like, how are you still doing comedy rather than selling drugs in, like, in your case or something?

something. Everybody's level of being able to keep going is different. He had a higher tolerance. I know what it's like to be in a basement with no money. You owe $800 to one guy. You owe $1,600 to another guy. You probably got $32 in your pocket. You've been up for three fucking days.

Your pager is fucking on fire. you know people are looking for you for coke people want to buy coke people want you to sell them coke and the people your old money took fucking calling you don't understand you have no idea you're in a basement and you got eight hours and you're sleeping with a fucking old blanket that smells like dog piss on a mattress with no cover on it you know you have no fucking idea you know and you're in that and you go to bed and you wake up and there's no no water, you've got to go outside and pee and by the garage and, you know,

it's horrible. There's no end. You get yourself into a cycle that is endless. I got into a cycle that was fucking endless. And no matter what I robbed,

and no matter what lie I told myself, and no matter how much money I made, I'd always blow it. My goal was to have $2,000. is I could rob that in one hour from a hotel room, some people stash and blow.

And nine or ten I did. But did I get the apartment? No. Why would I? It was too easy. If I did this one, I get the apartment in the next week. For now, I sleep on lease couch, or I rent a hotel room in a Roach Hotel.

And you know what? I'll rent the hotel for a hundred dollars for the week. I don't need the money. I don't, I paid today, right? What's today? The Wednesday? Yeah. I don't need to even think about rent till next Wednesday. I'm not thinking about rental Tuesday

fucking night at 11 o'clock at night. When I leave in the morning, what story I'm going to tell this guy, and what time I'm coming back with his yardstick. When you're that deep into addiction, are you upset at yourself for being that in that position? It doesn't even

lie. That doesn't even seem weird to you. When I was 20 or two years old. I was living in a hotel in Fort New Jersey. It was a hotel where people took people to have sex. By the hour? No, not by the hour. It was a little bit classy. It was by the George Washington

British. I have some of respect, baby. I think it was Route 4. And the good thing was if you walked down the hill a little bit, there was a Grand Union that made the best lobster best you ever had back of here, you understand me. I'm so hungry right now. And you buy a loaf of bread. Forget about it. I don't imagine it right here

right now. In office. So, Jiu-Zo, like... Drugs only. So, Jiu-Tos were, like, kind of blowing up right now. Like, who's this guy, like, Marvin Sebrus? I don't even know how to, like, pronounce his name, but I just see him rolling around on the floor doing crazy shit.

Cerberus is his nickname. Okay. Castell is his last night. Okay, I still sorry. I apologize. He's, he's, uh, he's one of my teammates. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like, and he has, like, he has, like, he has, like, he has, like, sponsors on his, on his rash guard?

That's right. Well, he just seems like it just seems like it's really blowing up right now. Yeah. Well, his video did. That M&R, he hit at a fight to win. So. It was pretty impressive. Although he hit another one at the ADCC trials that I enjoyed more.

And there's like a really big, uh, and I mean, I don't know if it's an industry, but there's a lot of jiu-jitsu videos I see online. Like, why did that one like really explode? because it looked cool to me, but I don't know what you did too. Exactly. I think that's the reason. It's because even to someone that doesn't know, they saw that and they were like, whoa, that was cool.

Yeah, no, he was flipping around and he's really, uh, he's, and it's not, that's not a move that people do. You don't see that very often. I don't, I don't see it very often. So I think to, to see something that you rarely see and to hit, you know, to have someone hit it so smoothly and so quickly. I think that's And then like there's a lot of people

Like I just saw him on Instagram And he's like he's in Europe doing seminars There's people like traveling the world Just teaching seminars That's really cool They have that access now Yeah where isn't any like career or something right now Or like he's going to Korea?

He's going there I know they're doing like a training camp out there That's crazy Is it Korea? Oh yeah South Korea right Yeah he posted something yesterday Yeah yeah I keep seeing it Yeah there's like this big training camp thing or something going on.

He's not over there to see if the missiles are real. They really lit duds. That is what he's going to do. He's going over there to make sure the Koreans are telling the truth. It's not a conspiracy and shit. You don't think he's going to go try and creep up into North Korea? Oh, fuck yeah. He's going to try to schedule a meeting with Dennis Rodman.

He wants to look over the fence. He was going to go over there with Dennis Robin and fucking his assistant. He wants to go to look over the fence and see what's going on over there. See if it really was that? Did he say that picture he posted the other day of I don't know what it was but it looked like the Batcave like this picture that was supposedly from North Korea

and like all the work that they're doing or whatever I don't know. No. And the picture looks like a scene from the Batman TV show, you know, like really cheesy like equipment and stuff. It looked like that's funny. Let's hope it's as cheesy as it looks.

Right? No kidding. No kidding. It's a mother's day. What are you guys doing? what are you doing back you're going down there I am what about you leave you send flowers or anything

I have to call tomorrow to send flowers I already have a card out oh your job is quick and easy just send flowers yeah well I think maybe two mother's days ago or her birthday because it's

they're a week apart but I'll see her at some point this summer my mom's like a couple weeks apart from her birthday and mother's day yes oh it's a it's a

gift gone. And I get to. Oh, my God. No, I'm going down to have dinner at my uncle's house on Saturday. Do you send flowers online? No, I don't do. There's probably an app that doesn't. No, honestly, I don't.

You call in? I have to. I haven't found, I haven't found, there's a couple that have done okay jobs that sometimes I'll use in a hurry. But if I have time, I call a place, because I feel like they do better job. Like a mom-pop shop out there or something? I found one near her house, because she used to work from home. How often are you sending flowers, by the way? Sounds like you're sending them a lot.

Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. Oh, you do it out of you. Now, here's how superstitious Uncle Joey is. All right. This week I'm going to Milwaukee in. All right? And Saturday, when I get up and I fly to Detroit. You know the Detroit back in?

Bring this little pants and shit. Let's go to Detroit. I've seen it every day. I'm always going to be on Detroit. So I'm going to go first round. Well, Sunday morning is Mother's Day. The last time I got stuck was in Grand Rapids, Michigan, flying out of fucking Lake, Detroit.

So I already prepared it. I might be a little late. I might get stuck. It might be a fucking tornado. You never know. It's a direct flight. Right. So, I got options.

So I'm sitting down for breakfast this morning. The whole family's eating breakfast. And Mercy starts talking to Terry about some shit. And she goes, Mommy, for Mother's Day, I'm going to get you a bunch of flowers. Would you like that? And I could see it threw Terry off for a minute. It was like Terry getting punched in the fucking stomach.

So I said, you know what, just in case. I'm going to go get a flower I'm delivered to the house in case something fucked up happens on Sunday but here's the beauty of it I went to pick up the fucking kid yesterday and the babysit who babysits

on date night for us came up to the car yesterday she goes Joey what are you guys doing Sunday or nothing and she goes I want a babysit for free I want to get you guys out of the house that's how cool these chick is she's 19 mercy loves her she loves mercy what the fuck you're gonna

do they love each other. They fucking watch TV. That's nice of her. Yeah, she's really cool, too. So do you have plans? Yeah, yeah. She's a good lady. So do you have plans? Have you made plans? No. A dad and the principal

of school. No, I mean for Sunday? Not yet. Not yet. What's with the question? I don't got no fucking plans. You know me? Mother's Day, you're not going to get a reservation unless you know. I know somebody. I don't know anybody. I don't know what I'm going to. I know. So maybe I'm just going to

Starbucks, take it out for pizza. You can eat some of your points at Morton's? Like, be some Morton points to get a reservation? I don't know, but those people don't talk to me, though. You got to be fucking a guitar player from the fool fighters. You got to be something like that at Morton's. They don't want to, they don't fucking give a fuck about comedians or podcasts or anything like that. No, no, no, I'm just saying like you have like the points card.

What points card? I got no point. I don't know nobody. What's the point? If you're sold out, what's my points? Excuse me. They threw the Chinese guy off the plane. How many points you thought he had?

If they threw that poor Chinese guy off the plane, I guarantee that guy would get that tickets on points. Do you see that fight on Southwest at Burbank? Right here. Yeah. No. Oh, yeah, it was bad. There was people fighting on the plane.

I've never seen that in my life. I didn't see the whole thing. I just saw people. They were going on two white guys. Really long. But it wasn't like airport employees or anything. It was just passengers, right? Right, yeah.

What were they fighting about? I don't know. I just don't understand how quick these people can fucking get a camera out and tape these fights. They got to me. Something's going on. It takes two seconds. They were probably screaming at each other already before the fight started.

That's right. You're a genius. See? Me, I can't believe these people just pop a fucking camera. Why is there so many things going on on planes lately? People want money? That's like the thing right now. Everybody's going to go start starting fights on an airplane now just to record them.

Again, I have to hit you with the fucking stupid age card And how long I've been flying I used to fly in California when I was seven by myself Did you know that, Becky? 1960 Okay, those days the airline system You paid for a plane ticket You were a kid, they just put you in first class

Oh Okay, first class used to be half full There was always a big fucking space I remember getting on planes that'd be a piano player. Did you know that? No. With a pig,

with an apple on his fucking mouth. And they'd be surrounded with cheeses and crackers. And they'd be playing fucking pianos. If you watch the movie Midnight Run, when they get on a plane, it's a two-decker plane. That was 1980-fucking six, 87. There were two-decker planes.

It was in the 80s? I thought it was like the 60 years. 70s. Seventies, too. If you wanted a party, you'd come upstairs. Let me tell you something. I remember taking red eyes because I was a Coke fiend.

You know why? Because word on the street was, if you're doing drugs, you took the red eye. You know how many parties I went on a fucking red eye and had the best times of my life? You have any fucking idea?

How many red eyes I went on that it was just dirty people fucked up, drinking, talking shit, and you get there and you're at a bar with them. Next thing you're at their house. you know how fucking crazy

that is. Now you get on a red eye and from the minute you get on the plane they turn the lights off. You're going to sleep whether you fucking want to or not, Jack. You can't put on your little light because nobody else could sleep. So you're the only asshole in your row

with your light on. So you got to sit there with your computer with earphones on and not bother. You know, it's a fucking nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare. So change. Changing has become flying has become this.

And now, for the last seven years, I've been flying pretty steady. And what I've seen across the board is fucking horrific. I mean, I know what I'm paying for my plane ticket. And it's fucking horrific. I ignore it because it's a part of me doing business. Right. You have to pick your wars. I pick the flights.

I always pick the first flights, which I have the best percentages. I do different fucking things. I know what airports to get an extra better ticket. I know what airport I'm going to get an upgrade from. I know how to scam the fucking system, and I'm pretty good at it. But it's all because I've been doing it. You know, before that, I was flying, but flying on the cuff. So a club would give me a plane ticket, and I was racking up miles.

I couldn't because they bought it on price that line. you know, when you get a ticket on price that line and you take it to the airlines, they're not fucking happy with you. The airline will put you on last just on purpose next to that big black dude. Porning like Zone 6 or something? Yeah, Zone 22.

And you're right next to the bathroom and people are farting and shit and that. And there you are in a seat by yourself and you're inhaling fucking death. By the time you get off, you feel like Ted Bundy fucking happily electrocuted them or whatever. you know, that there was this level of commitment in flying. I remember being in first class, and you went into the bathroom,

and there was creams, there was cologne, there was perfume for women, you could take something and wipe it down, or you could take a fillet. There was a time when there was more commitment to the people, and they weren't charging them much. Then all of a sudden, the plane heights get up, then they said we're raising the price of fuel because of the price of fuel we have to collect on the luggage $25 for a piece of luggage

so for the common American who's fighting for his fucking life knowing they don't pay for their plane ticket but if they take two pieces of luggage that's 50 there and 50 back so any plane ticket you better tack on a yardstick to any fucking plane ticket and for some people it's a by the way they don't even know what's happening to they get to the fucking airport. It's like $25.

What are you fucking nuts? Are you fucking crazy? I'll carry this shit on. We'll throw away your shampoos. It's not going to fit. You know, so this is, and then after 9-11, you want to complain about TSA,

but listen, they're trying to do the best to keep us fucking from blowing up in the fucking skies. So you've got to wait those 10 minutes. Some cities don't have enough TSA. and a lot of traffic. You're going to wait a fucking hour.

I know in those places, to get a business select ticket, something that'll get me through that gate. I can wear sweatpants, so I don't have no drama. I got sneakers with orthotics in it, just in case I got to be on my feet. You know, this is what people got to fucking think about, man.

Flying isn't easy no more. And going back to what I was talking about earlier, when you feel like you're getting jipped. I feel like airlines are probably one of the biggest places and the most accessible because people are right there. And like there used to be choice. Now there's no choice and they know it

and they jack up the prices at the holidays and at terrible times. And it's just it's a, it's not a fun experience anymore at all. You know, if you're a regular American that's fighting for their lives and you're not experienced in flying,

you know, you're not experienced in flying. You don't know the loopholes or airports. A fucking flying. is overwhelming. It's fucking overwhelming. You think you're going into a battle zone. And then you get there, you stop for a bottle of water,

and they tell you $4, and they look you straight in the face. And you look at them like, Jesus Christ! $6 bag of gummy bag of money. Jesus Christ! $4.00. Snow, you're banging me on the fucking fly. Now, let me tell you something.

Unless you're at Kennedy and you're eating at the Palms, or you're in Newark, New Jersey, and you're eating at that fucking, that crab cake house and there's a couple of the airports if I don't mention you, I'm sorry. Boston has legales.

Boston has legals. You're basically eating fucking dick. When you get home about two hours later, a shit's going to come out of your ass and you're going to look at it and smell and go, what happened? I got to go lay down and I'm sick, yeah.

Those eggs on that biscuit, those are fucking eggs made with whatever was leftover and powder. You know, powder and fucking eggs. Those eggs, those powdered eggs, that's why I always look for the place. I want to see the yoke. I want to see the yoke. I don't want no misunderstandings here. I don't want no flip over Patty that you think of these places you go to the subway and they just put it in there. Oh, the subway eggs are the worst. You don't want scrambled, right? Because

then it's all blended. I want to see the yoke. Let me see the yoke. Let me see the yoke. Let me see scrambled eggs, I'll ask for scrambled eggs. The menu says you got yolk. Yeah. Let me see the fucking yolk. I want to see the fucking yolk, so I'm happy, all right? Don't break that fucking yolk. Because if you break that fucking yolk, we'll have a problem too. Last week, I went

to arrest a hotel. I like the hotel, but their kitchen sucks dick. Uh-oh. The breakfast ain't bad because they have eggs and they show you the yolk. They broke the goddamn yoke. They broke the fucking yolk last week. No way, mother.

And there were two Samoan kids and there were second cousins. The one guy was a big Samoan. Like, he was in the starter package. He was like 3.10. But next time I see him, before 18. And after that, he'll be 900 fucking pounds. His feet won't fit in his shoes. It'll be huge.

But his cousin looked like Goldberg. What's the kind of, you know, entourage? What's his name? Nobody knows what I'm talking. Mikey Wahlberg? What's his name? Turtle? No.

Warburg. Yeah, Donnie Walberg. Donnie? No, which one's Donnie? Which one's Donnie? Donnie's the... Mark the older brother. Mark's the other brother.

Mark's the other brother. The guy's really good looking. Now, any hotel that you go to has these type of kitchens, the best thing they have on the menu is like a soup that came out of a can and they got a roast beef with horseradish on it for dinner. I got stuck in because one time I stayed at this

That was it in that area. They came and picked you up in a half hour early. That's how far it was from civilization. So all you can eat is that food. It's fucking... You can eat it one day. On the second day, you're not going to feel good about yourself. But the eggs are in bed.

When I checked into the hotel, I go, fuck, it's one of these. So the next one I got up, you know me, I got up at the hotel in the morning. I jump in the shower. I go downstairs. I already got a joint in which I hide in the wallet. I got a lighter, I got my fucking phone I got my glasses I got my saw

I'm I got my cold tail key in the back pocket so I don't rub it up against my cell phone then the magnet then you're gonna go back downstairs and activate the magnet but by that time the shit's rolling down your asshole because you were running to the bad feet none of the time when the magnet runs out

is where you have shit running out of your asshole and you were counting on this magnet of life to open the fucking door. All right. And now you have to go back. And now you've got to go back downstairs. And they have to give you a new key. And they've got to look at you.

Plus, you've got to wait online now because now a boatload of Oriental's checked in. There's 16 of them. And they've got to go to their passport. Nobody speaks English. I was going to ask how late was the boatload. They got to wait for the fucking translator. You have no idea.

Please, I've lived this life for years. The bus had just arrived. Yeah, you don't know what it's like to fucking go back downstairs. You got a shit and pissed like a savage. You look in the bathroom, everybody, there's feet in there. Oh, damn. There's one toilet, you look in there,

there's feet in there. You don't know how many times I've knocked on the woman's bathroom. And if there ain't a fucking yelling there, hello, is Tommy in there? Nothing, I was dipping that woman's bathroom. And I'll fuck that bathroom up. And if it's got a lock to it, you ain't coming in. I'll make believe. Like, did you not

say this was a woman's bathroom? No, I had no idea. Let me explain some to it. I had some cheese. It was terrible. I don't go to the bathroom. I didn't give a fuck if it was the woman's bathroom. Why don't give a fuck? There was nobody in there

and was one stall. I had to be in a with a girl in the bathroom at the ice house the other week. The other bathroom was and she went in the stall and I was like, I can wait and she said, no, you can go.

But she wouldn't stop talking. I had to tell her like, guys don't usually do that. Did it make you feel uncomfortable? Yeah, I don't usually talk. Let me get some shoutouts here West Woods Bob Lillinger

Bobby Adkins Cody Barnett Dylan Ortiz RG Madden DJ Swan And the motherfucking helm 512 Who's better than you

motherfucking savages To all the moms out there Happy Mother's Day If you listen Watch that monkey flowers are coming You know what I'm saying flowers are coming Lisa yet

yes sir are you taking Paul was mother out for Mother's Day you guys are on that I think it wasn't today Mexican Mother's Day if I'm not mistaken

doesn't fucking matter well no well no that traditional shit you can't play that you're Jewish Jews don't play that shit I don't care what they do

Jews do you tell them listen Jews play Sunday like everybody else everybody else and the hallmarks celebrate mother this day this fucking Sunday, okay? You want to tell me you want to show up

with the Mexican Thanksgiving. Don't make me call Trump. I can't say that to them. That's like a hate that. That'll start a big fight. Yeah. I'm a white guy surrounded by like a whole sea of Mexicans.

Oh my God. Oh, my God. But, um... Did you either start, Becky? I took a piece of one. No, you did. Yeah, she did. The rest of it was...

It's behind that bag of her. Let me see. On the table right behind. She cut up a purple one into ten pieces, Joey. I don't know how she got a ten pieces of a purple. That's how much I had. And that's the lightweight ones. That's not even the...

Nah, but it'll still rock you well. You know what I'm saying? You'll get a little loose and shit. Oh, I feel it. I can see it. I can see. You got that smile that says, what the fuck that I get myself into?

I want to go tomorrow and do jumping jacks. You said ten times without stopping. You kept saying, I'm hungry. You don't think I heard you. I just got to overpower you. Every time you... I'm going to take that this route. That's your mind throwing that reef a talk.

That's every time you brought up food, I said I'm hungry. There's no food now in L.A. You know that. We got nowhere to go. I know. It's a Wednesday night. I know what to go. I know one place to go.

You don't tell me that cheesy place up in North Hollywood, huh? That salsa and beer or something? No. You go up for salsa and beer right now. They'll stab you. That's Sherman Way in Lancash. You go up there on your own. They'll rip that little fucking cats right.

off your pants, you understand me? Oh my God. You'll make it to Salis and B with no foot. They will rip those pants off you, Becky. You'll be in Wallahara by 6 a.m. dancing for like a bar full of fucking Americans. You go up to

Sausen B. Damn. You only go to the Sousen B in the daylight. And let me tell you what time you go to Sousen Bia for the best service. 3. 11.20 in the morning. 1120? That's early, though. Because if you're there, I

10 to 12. That's like right after breakfast. You got to get up in smoke refa. Eat breakfast. Do some jumping jacks. Do some. And then go there at 11.20. Exactly.

You have to be walking through the door. That's when the food is fresh. It's empty still. Because by 1210. Oh, yeah. Lunchtime. It's bumper the bumper up there. And it's bad.

You can't park. You can't park. We tried to go there a couple times. We just bad to leave. No, no, no. It's true. You got to go there at 1120. That's it.

We tried to go for dinner. Oh, no, that's a night, man. You're not going to get in there for the time. You'll be driving around that parking lot, and that's when they sit behind the fence and they're watching. And they're like, let's see how many times if this fucking morons, if he goes in there, attack the lane, pull him out on the driver's side, stab the wife, kill the dog.

You don't need to do that, shoo. That's a bad fucking name up there. But the food is dynamic. I was going to tell my man that's visiting in town. Rob Madden to go over there one night this week to check out that shit

salsa and beer but you gotta get there 1120 in the morning Oh that's not in one night then You said he has to go check it out one night That means you gotta get up at six Smoke some dope Have scrambled eggs

Maybe no potatoes And a little fucking slice of toast And three pieces of bacon And you gotta just go down there With some hunger And about 1120 Isn't he here on vacation? Who?

I don't know. Yeah, yeah. He's, he's... So I'm asleep till 9. Smoke a joint workout. They can go eat some Mexican food for an early lunch. Yeah, you got to go up there, Sherman Way. Don't the wake up at 6 in the morning on your vacation?

That's the fucking spot people. If you like Mexican food. When people visit from out of town, I take them right there and their fucking head blows up. What are we talking about? How are we going on South? You were going, you said you know a spot for food. What spot? I don't know.

You said you know a spot? What's why are you talking about? wait. We don't know yet. We were waiting in Baderbra. No, we didn't, you didn't get to that.

How many milligrams G tonight late? I don't know. I couldn't eat the last two. You couldn't eat the last two stars? No, I thought I didn't get sick. Oh.

I'm high as fuck right now, but, dude, we eat a lot. I thought you were in here. Dude, we eat a lot. What are you talking about? We're in training. I had six stars.

Look at that bottle of water. You got to finish those two stars. No, I'm fine. How many did you? Six stars. And then I had the got the taffy and half the chocolate bar.

It's a lot of stuff. I got to watch it like a fucking hook. I'm not lying about it. What does this thing come from? That came from Cleveland. That's called the Savage. It's pretty cool. No, it's the real deal.

It's the real deal. When you take a hit off that thing, it takes you to a different fucking planet. You know what I'm saying? You want a little hit? No, I'm good right now. Okay. You want a little hit off the bottom?

I'm good right now. What days do you tape the podcast? Now it's kind of all over the place. So you just tape it when you got an open? Whenever, yeah, we're going to do it. Like tomorrow night we're going to do one. Where at? At my place.

Last week we did one at LA Jiu-Jitsu Club. The week before, I don't remember. Well, we didn't do it for a couple weeks because my neck was so bad. So. We've done some at a Black House. We've done a few out there with their fighters. Yeah It's amazing

The power of the fucking podcast And the reach that people have on them. Trying I'm trying I just looked at health the other day And I was blown away at the health podcast Oh yeah Blown away on how many fucking things you can listen to

Different blown away Blown the fucking way I hadn't looked at that in two years It's so many by now doubled in the past few years like the other than that. Way more than that. There's thousands of podcasts.

Thousands of podcasts, thousands of listeners. Because you can do it from wherever. That's why there was no fucking TV strike. They knew those motherfuckers knew they strike. It was over. Between reality and the internet, they would be done for a long fucking time. They'd never recouped.

Because somebody would figure out how to do a thousand things on the internet without all the fucking. fucking hoopla. There's somebody out there who knows how to do it. And they're just waiting to pull the goddamn fucking trigger, you know what I'm saying? I don't know if you saw it. I posted an article that Cannes isn't going to allow Netflix into its festival starting next year or anyone if they're not going to put the movies into the theaters. So like...

And so it's like as a punishment. So like, I bet I bet the movie theater chains... Like a straight to Netflix type of thing? Yeah, they don't want Netflix to win that because they'll probably have, better content and then we'll go to the movie theater so my question was like have you ever been a part of something that was going to like try to get an award or anything that like matter to you or has that stuff and have you never been a part of something like that leave from my world i was lucky to get in the fucking movie yeah to me've done an academy award is something completely different to be in a movie that wins an academy award you got to know motherfuckers that know

motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying? I remember a commercial movie an Academy Award movie is two different fucking things. Yeah. Somebody really has to have a vision about a movie and go we can make this an Academy Award with it. This is how it has to be shot. Or somebody look at each other and go,

Becky, call that dumb kid, tell them to put another script together for Guardians of the Galaxy 8. This time, tell them they're to fight Martians and they blow up fucking little kids. I don't give a fuck what they write it on toilet paper. We're going to make it for $82 million and we're going to make $250,000 billion worldwide. That's a difference.

There's a difference creativity to that. You know what I'm saying? That's why you look at some films and you go, oh, I know why they did that film. And oh, now you know why I did that film. Right. You know, you learn a lot from looking at who made these films. Who's making this from Warner Brothers? Chinian production makes this movie, and they make this.

You know, it's pretty interesting when you look at it, when you're an asshole like me and you have time to look at that stuff. I mean, it's not like I get on the computer and look at the history of Chinian, whatever, but it's pretty interesting what type of movies they pick up or they don't pick up, you know. So there's the difference in creativity. When they shot Spider-Man 2,

they knew Spider-Man 2 wasn't going to be in a cat. me a woodwind, even though it did win something for like music or... Really? Yeah, or side effects. Special effects, yeah. Special effects. But beside that, the script wasn't going to fucking make you cry at the movie theater unless you were half-pruck and retarded.

And you sat for the tickets for 22 hours outside in the wintertime and froze your lad. I lost a finger, but I saw Spider-Man too. You know what I'm saying? That night it came out. Oh, my God. So, no, those are the differences, you know, like, uh, When you look at the Godfather, they knew. They fucking knew.

They knew when they wrote that script. No, I think they knew when they picked it up. If they marketed the movie with strong actors, they could win something. You know, I know when you look at something go, hmm, we could take this spin, shoot it this way. We need to direct it understand. This is our vision and the writer's vision. And we're going to shoot it this way. We've got a powerful actor.

here. This was gonna cost us. We might break even, but we go to the fucking, we go to ABC February 15th and we walk up there 15th fucking times. You know what I'm saying? So always keep that in mind when they're shooting a film. They know exactly why, how, and when. When they release these movies, they know exactly what they're gonna make on this movie. If they bomb, guess what? It's a write-off.

They're going to make $352 billion on some cartoon movie with Alec Baldwin, who's playing a boss or something like that. Maybe not here, but in fucking Hong Kong. And that makes up for that loss. So don't cry ever about movies when they flop. Because on the other side, they're making a movie about grapes jumping up and down, singing, and kids are going crazy over it. Plus, they're buying grape hats for 1995 when they're making them in Bulgaria for 52 cents.

You know what I'm saying? Every time they make a hat a kid dies, he gets shot for them to make 1950 profit on a hat that's going to fucking dissolve in the watch. The slogan of the company? Exactly. It's amazing. But once you see it and once you understand it, I've never read a script that they sent me and said, hmm, this is going to be an Academy Award winning. Never have once have I said to myself, no. first of all you need high power

to be an Academy Awardman so I've never been in the movie with fucking the black dude real smart and these days they go for all these other shit you know what I'm saying who the fuck knows I don't know nothing about that but that's it and that's that

what's up with you Lisa had looking good Becky with the cat pants on and shit chaw-cha nobody can see him no need to see him you understand you'll keep that to yourself that little savage. There used to be a girl

who was living on my couch and he would mess with her and say he was going to have her dancing it was in a bikini in the days when they were doing it out of my spare bedroom with the webcam. Oh my God. And she was going to dance with a bikini.

No, I didn't say it like that. I said something different than this fucking Jamoke. I don't know. She was living on his couch and fridge. She still jokes about it. She wants to do it at your show. What? Dan does

Dance with the bikini. No, she does not. She would have. Yeah, she was just late to the dick and not a kid. Oh, my God. She would have done it. I don't know if she'd be fit to prop on her right now. We're looking for the buttray.

That shows. At that time, she was three, four years ago. Things must have changed in fucking Boston, right? She's eating better. She gained some pounds. Who knows if she doesn't bigger than mine right now. No, she would never do that. How did she'd kill you?

if you're gonna go to fucking Milwaukee I'm gonna have a great time I haven't been there in like six goddamn years You're gonna see Danny Brown? I'm gonna see Danny Brown Saturday night In Detroit But I'm excited about Milwaukee as much as I am about fucking Detroit I decided to go to the Italian neighbor and fucking eat

I got Matt Fultron It's gonna be goddamn beautiful Very nice How cool was it that you got to switch room I must have helped Yeah, because by Tuesday You know This is Milwaukee

I haven't been up there In the long Last one was up That was with Rogan It was before UFC Whatever the last big UFC Was up in Milwaukee That's the last time

I was up there Maybe Six years ago Seven years ago Yeah I think It might have been Before we got together

I don't remember that Yeah Yeah No it was way And it was great And I used to go up there I went up there twice before the year 2000

to do comedy twice at the comedy cafe when the biker ran the room. So I got to know the area, I got to know that condominium, it was filthy, but it wasn't bad for five days to get you off the road. You had to worry about a hotel not until Monday.

And if you had you, he'd let you stay until Tuesday, you know what I'm saying? Milwaukee. Huh? Milwaukee. Milwaukee. Fuck yeah. Very nice. You got some cheese and shit, some crackers. And that's it

And I fly to Detroit Wait Isn't that the land of my favorite cheese I have to bring with some cheddar You know your favorite cheese is poison That's your favorite fucking cheese Some cheese are holes in it And some shit fucking going on

You like Swiss cheese I love all types of cheese I can't eat this shit That's so sad What's that? You can't eat cheese I try to look at the size of I can eat cheese

I had cheese last night Did you? That's why those pants are smoking time. Those pants on fire. You had some cheese last night. Like I was telling you, motherfuckers, let me talk to you about something, all right? When I'm out there banging it out,

like this weekend, and I know there's none, I don't know what's going on in Milwaukee. But when I'm out there, I get left, brother. Lee, break it down. Last time you broke down the left, how once did you enjoy it?

Lyft is my favorite ride service app. It's the best. They're more courteous. The rides are cleaner. They have this great new display that says hi to whoever it is. So you know what, because sometimes if you're going out at night, you're going in places that a lot of lifts are there. It's nice to know which one is yours. It's the best experience out there.

Well, let me explain some to you. When you drive for Lyft, the right, ride-sharing app, every trip can feel like a walk in the park. With Lyft, you can pick your own hours and work when you want. Lyft can make driving the best job in the world. Only Lyft offers an in-the-app tipping. When you drive for Lyft, you keep 100% of the tips. Drivers have been paid over 150 million tips since the feature was introduced. Express pay lets the drivers pay almost instantly instead of waiting for weeks.

Lyft has even taken the guesswork out of the pickups. The new AMP device uses color coding to help passengers find their drivers. You can earn hundreds of dollars a week plus tips. You want to make more money? Drive more. It's never been easier to give yourself a raise. It's a simple formula. Happy drivers means happy passengers.

Maybe that's why nine out of 10 lift rides get a perfect five-star rating. So do me a favor. Join the ride-sharing company that believes in treating people better. All right. Go to lift.com slash Joey. You're sitting there.

You don't know what to do. You got that new car. You got a license. Go out there. Lift.com slash Joey today. And get a $500 new driver bonus. That's lift.com slash Joey. $500 new car bonus.

New driver bonus. Limited time only. Terms apply. All right. Who's better than you? You'll have something to do. You'll have a little. job and you'll make some money. Let me explain something to you. I'm happy that I have these guys

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slash Joey. What's up, Lee? I love Dollar Shave Club. I have the same candle that I've had since we started. Yeah, I've had it. That's tremendous. I still have some of the same razors. I still got razors. It's unbelievable. And the doctor's shit. The doctor makes it even better. Becky, over at Math Therapy,

I love you to death. I love you too. Tell them when the new podcast is dropping. When do you think I'm going to drop? I will have one out either tonight or by tomorrow morning. But you have how many episodes? You have a lot of a big catalog for them to go up and through. 50s that was 56

They've had Hanato Laurentian Yeah They've had Eddie Brahma Yep You've had fucking movie stars on there A bunch of UFC fighters People showed up with fucking camera cruises Yeah

It's been fun And we're having a beach party on Saturday Oh it doesn't rain Is it gonna rain? No I think it might be a little cooler Than I expected but But we're gonna have a beach party

So come out All right So I'll see you motherfuckers If I'm not the beach party Saturday You'll be busy. There's nothing I want to be more at the beach party and see you your little jujitia shoot, you know what I'm saying?

Sweatting, looking all beautiful and hot like you always do. Becky Rodriguez is always throwing fucking heat, you know what I'm saying? A little fucking Michael Jackson boots on. Oh, he's got to be. He was my favorite as a kid. Who's that? Michael. I know he was.

I know you're a professional scator. He used to do all the moves and shit. Maybe if you're lucky, sadly I'll show up and put the skates on. There you go. You can do Michael Jackson, your bikini down at the fucking Venice Beach. Sounds good. We'll put a hat out there for you and they'll clap and

pay my rent. It pays my rent. All right. I'll see you motherfuckers at the Pabstita. Friday night with Matt Fultron. Don't forget, we're going to fucking light that place on fire, all right? The spirit of Jeffrey Dahmer is

making a comeback. I love you motherfuckers. One more time. Shave Club. One more time. Lift.com. One more time. Honor.com. Stay black. I'll see you motherfuckers Monday.