The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #482 - Brendan Schaub

Episode Date: May 18, 2017

Brendan Schaub, former UFC fighter, cohost of "The Fighter and the Kid," podcast and host of the "Big Brown Breakdown" podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box.  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/17/2017.  

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Here we go. Brendan Shab in the house. What up, brother? Lee Syatt. Thank you for stopping by. Yeah, man. All right, so here's my thing on it. You ready?

Talking about John Bonnet? Yeah. First of all, when that happened, I've been through that system in Boulder. And when the John Bonnet case, happened that community wasn't ready for something like that i mean and bolers is boulder has had some wild when i got sentenced when i got arrested in boulder there was a skinny wiry guy michael something he hung out with some other nerdy dude not bad guys but the one guy talked about the piece of ass he had you got to see my girlfriend she's the hottest man she was 12

then we got transferred after three or four days in boulder county we got transferred to some County Jail. Okay. Summit County Jail. It's like a paradise. Yeah. Handball, your own clothes. At 10 o'clock, the guard goes the Safeway.

Oh, my man at that. And brings your chips and so does this shit to watch TV. No, no, no. This is a complete different cigarette, ref, the whole fucking thing. They said I wasn't stamped there for two months, but they shot me to Canyon City and you get processed.

And then they sent me to Golden. I did my time. I got out of jail. I never thought anything or anything. I'm selling cars a Boulder Toyota. And one day I hear these sirens go on. And I get home and I watch TV and there. Boulder's on lockdown.

Boulder's on lockdown. You're not allowed to leave your house. White people scared to shit. White people scared to death. Locked that business down. What had happened was this guy with a hot piece of ass broke out of jail in Canyon City, hitched height to Boulder went to

by Lee Hill so it was one of those mountaine you know what I'm talking about the bus stop yeah a little northern more I guess and anybody could twit me and correct me on this and he saw four kids

target practice he went up to the four kids he goes forest range and put your guns down the four kids put that guns down he took the guns turned them around and shot off forward god damn this is Boulder

1990 bro Jesus Christ shot all four kids took that gun I don't know heard of this. There was a man hunting Boulder, 7 o'clock Boulder lockdown. He wanted to Kmartin bought ammunition. So that centralized the search to search in North Boulder. So they made it.

They came to the Toyota dealership. They did the whole thing. Now, if you're headed on to Longmont from Boulder on that street, ISIS, I don't know what it's called, whatever, Iris. Iris. Iris. If you go on that street in the old days, after about a, maybe you're, three quarters of a mile,

there was an old blues club right off that street. That was very popular in Boulder. I had never been in there. I'm not going to lie the entire. I never went in there, but I heard that through people that that's where like

fucking famous blues people went in there to play. I don't know the name of it or whatever. So that night I went to bed and the next day what happened was this. She wrote him a letter and told him she was leaving him for another guy. He went bananas and broke out of jail.

That's the power of pussy. He broke out of jail He tried to get up to a house She had moved He got the four kids He shot him And then he kept calling her And I guess the cops traced the call

And she told her That she would meet him by that bar Right off Iris In Bolden that nice neighbor She would meet him right there Cops waiting And when he showed up They shot him

They had that thing And they shot him in the neck Doesn't end here Oh no He goes to the hospital when a critical condition where they'd die. There's only two surgeons who could do that surgery in Boulder or in Denver. One of them was one of the kid's father.

One of the kids he shot. His father was like, fuck you. Hell you. They saved his life. That dude went back to jail. Damn. That happened, you know. Is he still in jail?

He lost. Yeah, he's probably. He's under the fucking jail. He's under the jail. You've never seen the light of day. I don't. You know, like they had shit like that in Boulder in 87. They had this kid that owned the pizza.

There was Abo's. Abo's pizza. Ridiculous. And then it was a competitor in the old days. And he was on South Boulder and shit. The kid quit the pizza business, his father's business, and got a job with me selling cars. I was going to see you at the time. Great kid.

Kid never drank, never smoked. No one of these walking his dog by Dirtyth and Iris. There was an Albertson's there. And he was walking his dog in that empty lot. and his dog was sniffing something and he went over to see what it was and they picked up a bag he took ten steps

and fucking SWAT came out FBI right there they threw him down the floor they beat him up they pitched a tent fucking they opened up the bag and there was 80 grand cash and two kilos of coke they opened up the Coke they tested it

they went to his house raided his house raided his father's house you know they just wanted to make sure this kid wasn't a courier I guess they were chasing somebody in Boulder the people threw the suitcase out the fucking window. Jesus.

And they sat there and waited on the suitcase. And they thought he came to picking up with his dog. Yeah, Boulder. Boulder doesn't have a lot of, you know, a lot of crime or anything like that. So that John Bonnet case shook that whole fucking. Shook that whole case. And Doc Crease, you know, so after that all went down and they couldn't solve the murder. Doc Crease, who was the strength of go to CU, moved into that house.

He bought that house. And everyone's like, you know, that's John Benet's. He's like, I don't give a fuck. I thought they tore it down now. Well, they did now, but right after, they didn't. He moved there. Okay, so this is my thing. I worked in Puddle Car Wash, and he's one of the biggest benefactors to the CEO organization, Harold or Arnold or whatever the guy's owner's name is.

I worked there for years, and they do all the city cops' cars. And I became friends with all those cops, all the undercover cops. They would come in and, you know, whatever Boulder County sheriffs in the fucking. plain Cadillac. They're on the cover cops. But there was this one where he used to come in. Was it lesbian? Very nice.

I became friends on it. I didn't know what happened. Do you know what happened when they went to that house? It was a crime scene. Crime scene, yeah. They didn't treat it like it, though. They didn't treat it like it. They had a circle prayer.

Yeah. And they contaminated the crime scene. So even if they would have, at that time, I think if they were arrested the mother and the father and took them down, that Jew was living in New York, the same guy that got OJ off, Barry Sheck, that guy was a savage. Super savage. Yeah, super savage.

So they would have won on the appeal because the DNA was contaminated. They put a blanket on her. Bunch of shit. They did a bunch of shit. They had a prayer group. They had a meeting. So that was always. People going in and out.

They had people going in. So that was my one thing that I thought, why didn't they never made an arrest. And number two, why didn't they never made an arrest? I think that between you and me, I think that Alex Hunter, or the DA's name at the time of the mayor. Yeah. It was such an ugly thing to happen in Boulder. It happens in L.A. and the Valley every fucking day.

It happens in New York every day. But I don't think they wanted to drag Boulder through it. And at the end, what happened? The mother died of cancer. Mother died of cancer. Yeah, the father lives, I think, in Arizona. The brother's weird as fuck. Do you see him on like Dr. Phil?

Right. Just not. So they're trying to put it on the brother that he choked her. That he choked her. That's what they think. That's what they're thinking. I think it was one of those things that Boulder couldn't handle, bro.

They weren't prepared for it. I think Boulder was not prepared for it. They thought about it and they said, first of all, every fucking entertainment angle is going to be in this city living here for the next year and a half. Disrupting our traffic, disrupting our lives. And in many ways, I don't know. Did they get away with murder? Who the fuck really knows?

who the fuck would kill their child you have a child who the fuck would do that to their child a lot of it goes back to the to the brother if you look at certain angles and there's a there's a case for the mom there's a case for the brother the dad's you know the dad knows but he's not in on it the dad knows but there's a big case

for the brother he's known to do some weird shit he'd hit the daughter all the time he'd do some really weird shit he was jealous over I get all the tension then I get this is what's interesting is I guess John Bonae was sleeping and the snack that used to have in some weird white people shit,

they'd eat pineapple and milk. Pineapple and milk was the snack. So I guess the brother got hungry, went downstairs to get a snack. John Bonae heard him getting some woke up, went down there. She went to reach for his snack. This is the theory that I heard. And the brothers used to hitting her, grabbed like one of those maglite or something, hit her over the head. Not me to kill her.

He's young. He's seven at the time. hits her over the head and that's where the problem is the mom and dad didn't want to lose the son too once they realized she's dead so they made it look like it was that's what they think and you look at the ransom note yeah i mean it's a fucking goddamn miniature novel like no one's gonna go through all that time and they had to recreate that no it takes for like three it took forever no one's gonna do that and then the the ransom they asked for us the exact bonus the husband got that year who would have the information

some weird shit either way when I went to Boulder right before I got arrested what killed me what really made me them give me a high bail it was two things

number one there was some dude party in and fucking Boulder I ended up meeting when I went to jail he was in county he was getting high and somebody tried to break

in his house and he jumped off his balcony three floors and he broke both his legs goddamn and when the cops came they found the quarter pound the coke on his house

so they fucking arrest you I was gonna say why he'd go at jail. And then there was another guy right before I got in trouble. Ten days. Cuban kid from Miami was CUOP student.

That means CU was giving him a small fortune to go to school there. Yeah. To up their Latino numbers. He had a brand new 1987 Nissan 300 ZX.

Not mad at those. Not mad at those at the time. He was a poverty Cuban kid. Yeah. That's going to see you. And every weekend he would fly back and forth to Miami. And like he went missing for a week. And they found his 300 ZX splattered with blood.

And they never found the body. Damn. Which in Boulder, you never found the body. Yeah. They never find the fucking body. Going back and forth to Miami every week wasn't a tip off that something bad was happening? Maybe not. Nobody picked it up.

He's a regular college student. You know, you're not looking for a fucking. 20 year old kid with skis. With skis. Smuggling a fucking half a key of blow every fucking week. You know, it's how you go dressed. They're looking for a guy with the fucking nose rings. You watch that stupid show at night, Drugs Inc.

Yeah, I see that. The airport and shit. They get the dogs at Kennedy Airport. They show the guy last week, man, with a fucking baby. Ah, fuck. He brought his daughter with him. God damn.

Scum bag. And they got the suitcase and he was halfway there. And they just put a hole in it. And sugar started pouring around in the suitcase. Screwed. They took the kid from him. God damn. Dude, I saw someone got in trouble, got caught.

They were illegally smuggling turtles. A million dollars worth of turtles. Like some special kind of turtle. Have you seen that shit? Was it in like the overhead compartment? I've seen a bunch of animals and I don't know if I see the turtle. They're trying to get, it's a million dollars worth of turtles. Who was like, ah, fuck Coke, man.

Let's get these turtles. Do you know hard? I feel like that's, so much more of a hassle than Coke. Granted, if you get caught, I don't think you're doing that much time, right? No, they hit you with the Endangered Species Act of 1842. Turtles. What the fuck you're doing, man?

What's a lot of turtles? When Miami does, that's why they have all those fucking animals from time to time. That's why in the news, you're going to look, come back after the commercial. We'll show you what they found in Miami. Kids got a half alligator, half bat living in his fucking house. And the alligator isn't even allowed. in the States because they smuggled every fucking type of animal

went to Miami spiders What do you think comes on those ships with the coffee beans on them? What do you think comes fucking flowers? No. Fucking spiders and venomous spiders from Africa. Dogg, I'm going to head to Australian. Someone tagged me in a thing.

This dude got bit by, he was a tourist from the U.S. He got bit by an Australian spider and he's losing his legs and his arms because of it. Yeah. All right. I'll stay here. There's a dumb fucking.

question. Did he get bit down in Australia by the spike? Yes. The plane or something. In Australia, you know, I always joke around how I really don't like to travel, but I'm going to Australia for a live tour. And I was like, I keep your fucking koalas, chlamydia off of me, because the koalas have chlamydia. What?

Yeah, they have chlamydia. All of them do. They're just born with it. So, and humans can get the virus from them, if whatever, you kiss them on the nose or some shit. I don't know how you get it. And then a bunch Australian fans were like, be careful, Sean, send me pictures of guys can attack by Great White's. Then, like, check this tourist out,

and Homeboy got bit by some spider and losing his arms and legs. Now, what is going on with Great Whites? Same shit that's been going on forever. Great White's doing Great White shit. They found 21. There's a kid in my jitzo class was Hawaiian. And he's always, he serves every day.

Well, yeah, did he see that video? He serves everything. You're talking about the 15? The 15 they found in Long Beach? And they were just like, people in the water, calmly get out of the water. There's 15. Why would they do that? Because you have to know.

But you don't need a, hey, everybody, let you know you surround by 15 great whites. Wouldn't it be better, hey, everyone get out of the water. Don't be alarmed, get out of the water. Don't we get out of the water. Yo, there was 15 great whites. Because people are idiots. If they just said people, please get out of the water, there'd be someone, I don't want to get out of the water.

It's my vacation. I'm going to stay in the water. They have to tell, like, you're about to get eaten. But they were like, it's swimming against the shoreline. And I don't know how there's like, can you imagine 15 great whites together? They could eat everyone in like two seconds. They didn't do shit though. I think global warming.

Something is affecting because the last couple of years, you keep hearing about it like shark attacks. You keep fucking hearing about them. And this kid was telling me the other day, he goes, you know, you could smell when there's a shark. What? The Hawaiian said this? Yeah, they shit through their skin. That's some Hawaiian shit. He goes, so they smell like shit.

So there's your swimming and you smell. shit, there's a shark closed by. He goes, whenever I'm surfing out in Pacific out there, and I smell shit, I climb on a rock, and within minutes I'll see the fucking fin go. Fuck that.

Fuck you. Would you ever do one of those shark cages in the water? That's what I want to do. No, you can't do it. Yeah, that's what I want to do in Australia. There's really the only reason I want to go to Australia do that. I don't have time to do it.

They book, I'm at so many shows. I have no time to jump in the goddamn cages. Thank God. And I saw a video. Some girls. in the cage, I don't know who the fuck makes those. The same like when you go bungee jumping in Mexico. You think that Mexican really fucking made sure the safety of the cord and the harness and all that?

Then we give a fuck. What? So, Homegirls in this cage, this great white, it's a fucking great white. And they're chumming it, you know, bait in it. It's coming full speed. It goes through this fucking cage. Like it's fucking. I think I saw that.

Paper machet just hush, right through. I think that one was a porn. No. No, she got down, but it was fucking thrashing around. I think I heard that was fake. Like, it was a porn star, but I saw one where they got in, like, they get into them sometimes. They typically do. Oh, my God.

Fuck that. No, no, no, no. Okay. See, I want to do it. I want to do it. No, no, no. Listen, mind your business. You got kids now.

When you had no kids, that's when you have a motorcycle and you eat pussy at a strip club. Because it don't matter if the kid wants to lick your fucking fingers. But once you've got kids, you can't do that shit. Next thing you know, the kids got a rat. She's scratching for your shit He tests positive for chlamydia How do you explain that shit? I play around the quality

Fuck that noise That's the shit you're doing your 20s I went to Hawaii I've always wanted to do it man I got it you know what I always wanted to jump off a building too And see if I could live But I'm not doing it What did I go last week?

I went outside Early and I went for a walk I went to CVS I had to buy fucking toupee bunch of shit And I went back And I said let me get some coffee It was like 10 o'clock I had already had break

was maybe at seven. Dog, I went downstairs and smoked a tremendous joint. Tremendous joint. Tremendous. Not a regular one. One of those joints where you get really baked outside. The sun's on your face. You know, you really enjoy it.

And I hear this commotion on top of me, and I look up, and I counted 12 stories up to a window cleaners. Those dudes that get on the fucking hardest belts. Oh, fuck that. And I sat there for a while. One of my best friends did that shit. Making $8 an hour? No.

No. Oh, my buddy left a fucking great lucre the drive to go back to New York to do that. He was union. He worked for the company. I did the fucking tower. They blew up. Oh, tower. The World Trade Center.

Him and his brother worked at the world. Then he got promoted. Washing those windows? Washing those windows. They had contracts all around the city. You're steady all fucking, yeah. You're making bank. You're making union wages.

Doing work. But have you seen in the wind that sometimes they can like crash against the thing? Again, no, thank you. Listen, Uncle Joey don't do those. type of giant. Well, you've been to the comedy works in Denver, downtown. Yeah.

Right next there off Lurmer Square. Someone sent me this fucking video. Some dude climbs up to the top there. Nope. It's not that tall. You know, you know, the comics are like, based thing top of the comic store downtown. Some dude climbs up the top there at Limer Square.

And it's fucking, it's lunch hour on a Tuesday. And some dude's just sitting up there saying he's going to commit suicide. So, of course, everyone in their suit and dress from their 9 to 5, It's their phone out filming it because they didn't think he's even doing it. Homeboy does it. He's tough. Face first. How bad?

Stock. Game over. Head blows up. He game over. You died before you hit the phone. Everyone goes, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I can't watch those videos. Me neither.

I was like, oh, what's what about you can do? He has a squirrel suit on. He's going to bungee jump. Limer Square. This is dope. Some college kid? No. Some dude just didn't want to be there anymore.

When I first moved to bowl, the fresh-eyed, bushy tail, 22 years old, pocket full of cash, scams out the ass. I moved to 10, 12, 14th street. A four-bedroom apartment with three other students. One Japanese kid didn't fucking speak English, and they cut him off because he had a white girlfriend. I paid him 20 a day to cook Japanese food from every night.

He'd go to alfalfas and buy me the nice meat, and we'd make sesuan beef and shit. Then there was a Mexican kid who got Smith and Smitty with me one night, and I robbed them. and he kept begging me for the money back. I knew it was you. He kept saying, I knew it was you. I worked hard under the son for that money.

The cops came when I blamed it on me because they smelled marijuana. He ratted me out. So I gave him like two weeks. I saw he hit his money and they clicked up like 300. Fuck came and there was a white dude that played the air guitar. You have one of the best memories of anyone I know. Oh my God.

You have no brain trauma. No. You have zero. All the drugs, everything. You have zero brain trauma. 19 I had a fucking heat. You're one of the best memories I know. I got an email from a friend of mine that beat me up.

Oh my God. I don't remember this whole story. Why are people asking me about it? I told the starting the podcast and I got back to him. I'm like, how don't you remember this shit? Have you always had a good memory? Yeah. Because it's a lot of, like I can remember big moments and like traumatic moments or

negative things. But I don't like, again, like your boy who's like, dude, I don't remember that shit. People tell me like, you remember this and this. I'm like, not really, man. A lot of it I don't. When I go home, I hear stories and sometimes I go, man, I kind of remember it, but I don't remember. But this shit I remember like it was yesterday. The conversation, how it went down.

You've always had a good memory? Since I was a little kid, I could go away, go back to the same place the next year and ask for people. My mom would look at me out. Fuck, do you remember this shit? You constantly using your brain, though, doing stand-up. Like, most comics I know are super sharp, too. I was good with numbers when I was a child. I was really like we had a numbers bank.

Okay, so there was a rule at the house. Renee would call every day at three o'clock. If my mom was busy throughout the day, Renee would call at three o'clock and whoever answered the phone had to give him my mother's numbers for the day. So it was like three combination numbers,

like 325, 218. Sure, running numbers. 219. It was just like five or six numbers. But my mother, Tom could ask me a week later. What did I play two Tuesdays ago? And I could tell it.

Damn, you're like rain, man. And she would go, that's fucking crazy. And the weed didn't do anything because I don't think it was that good, but I had a pretty decent memory. And now I feel like most of it. It's not gone, but it's not to where it was. You think the weed made you look cloudy? Yeah, well, maybe a little bit. But then I also, like, I was trying to think of my fourth grade teacher's name the other day.

And it took me like 10 minutes to think of it. Just like weird stuff like that. Mr. Bell, I figured it out. But it took one Mularo, son. See, yeah. But I don't know. It doesn't make you cloudy at all?

Sometimes it does with me. Yeah, it probably took some of the years away. Or certain cloudy things. Like, like there's certain things where my memory is really good because I collect, like, football cards when I was a kid. And for the most part, even today, even the pros in the NFL and I still don't fall as closely. I can tell you what college they went to, position, certain, like, stats, like, even old school things.

Just what college where they're from? Very strange, man. we have i also have what do people say when they try to be cute they go you have uh photogenic photographic memory a photo photo

photogenic isn't it is a photographogenic is like your face you have a weird way we have a weird way of retaining worthless information like somebody told me that one it might be worthless to you but the fuck i make a living off this worth of this information

it's fucking crazy yeah but the people next daughter them on the hill in 1985 this the hill 1985. He was still sold weed. And I became friends with him. He was like 22. He looked like cousin Nitt.

And she was like 48. Just fucked at that an old hippie chick that smelled. It was a nightbag. But there were the sweetest people in the world. And I met this Vietnam vet over that. I didn't know he was a Vietnam vet. We started hooked him up in the afternoons. He was a little older

than I was 10 years older than me. I never knew he was a Vietnam vet in Brendan Scha. And we were hang out and smoke. He would make me laugh my ass off. One day, we were across in a Fox Theater, and there's a bodega there, roses. Is that it?

Roses? I think, man. And they make chicken. They used to those days. They used to make rotisserie chicken. This is way before Boston Market and everybody else. They were known for a rotisserie chicken. So I go, Fred.

Ed, you want to go up and get the chicken? He goes, yeah, come on, let's go. We split the chicken. We're sitting right in front of Rose, summer of 85 and there's a kid on top of the Fox Theater with both stone to the gills and he's up there going to fuck you's all you know because a lot of anti-society kids go to both for sure they get rich parents they send them there then they go there and they start talking those big words

about humanitarian tootarian government speech all that all that shit they go crazy and wearing tie-dine. They go crazy and bold. Sandals. It's August of 85. This kid's up there yelling and screaming on the top of his lungs. And again, it's bolder so people are surrounding him. And they're going, please don't jump.

Oh, really? Please don't. The cops get there. And the cops are yelling at him. And me and Ed are sitting there eating on chicken. Like nothing happened. Like nothing happened. And after about, because the kid was yelling.

we walked in. When we walked into the chicken place, that kid was already yelling. So by the time we walked out, there was a circle, and people were colored, yet coming out and going, we just called the police,

please let them talk to you. And right there, I kept eating, Fred, Ed kept eating. And once the cops got there, we're like 12 minutes in, and we're eating the salad, and we got a Dr. Brown's original soda.

I'm from New York City, Doug. So when I saw Dr. Browns, my black cherry soda, Are you fucking crazy? I couldn't wait to get back to Colorado to get my ham on Dr. Brown's black cherry. And there was no diet then. There was nothing.

You got sugar in that fucking can. So delicious. Oh my God. They didn't have Doc Browns in New York. They had soda, Coca-Cola. Yeah. So I couldn't wait to get back to Colorado. And I fucking grabbed the,

where I'm out there drinking my Doc Browns with Ed. And I can see Ed is getting madder by the minute. Like that fucking. his whole trainer thought he's trying to tell me stories about weightlifting and shit and finally goes hey you fucking faggot if you're gonna fucking jump jump you fuck and you'll god damn man and a hundred people i didn't say nothing ed was my dog you know what saying i gotta get you back i was howled how was how yeah i knew ed bro for maybe i ever six years before i knew he's a vietnam vet no that he was a trained assassin

God damn. Like, that's what half a bowl is filled with, and people don't know it. Hippies and assassins? Huh? It's either hippies or assassins? He would be... That's what a video game. No, that's what happened.

There was two of them. There was one guy that used to play the bongos on Pearl Street. That was his buddy. Had Agent Orange on his face. God damn. He had like a blue metal art. He was telling me, it was this guy's guy, like, fucking he went to lunch with Nixon. Like, Nixon lit his cigarettes and shit.

PTSD now, this get all weird, to the boulder? He was 85. They would go to the vet center. Like my friend Ed would go to the vet place, and they would give him medication. They would give him money. Ed had a nice little apartment. But I knew that Ed was a Vietnam vet.

For some reason, I thought he was a medic. And one day I went to his house. Oh, my God. He had everything, dog. This guy had everything. Like Purple Heart. We never talked about it. No.

No. You know, there was a picture of him with a bay in that, like three Vietnamese. these guys like this guy did not fuck around i go ed what did you do and bro we got an eight ball one night he just started breaking it down like by three he was crying damn he was like i was 19 i didn't know what i was doing serious shit yeah they dropped us off and they said kill they took us and and he was telling me how they would pick him back up for three months and then retrain him and he'd go back out that's how it goes and he goes 12 of us would go out and six of us would come back

12 of us would go out And four of us would come back And he just started laying stories on me So I had beeps And both I started having beeps And I would go ahead What do? And he would go

Let me think Ed had A solution to everything He's been through something And he wasn't going to shoot you Yeah He didn't believe in shooting people You wanted to blow you up

Or light you on fire Or fucking take you to Shatwa God damn Tie you to a tree And put maple syrup on you and let the bears get you. I'd rather have a gun. I go, did you ever get let that, do that with

people? Because I did it about four times. It takes about a day and a half for a bear to eat you. God damn. He goes, the only thing they don't eat is through your elbow and through something. I'm like, oh my God. Savage. That's why Boulder always had a very weird. Now, I don't know what Boulder is. Me, I haven't been back in forever.

I don't know what the fuck Boulder is. I'm talking about from, when I was there from 80, and I've spoken to Joe about this, that when I lived in Aspen, I knew three people up there. I knew one guy, dog, he was so high up in the government that they were picking him up an helicopter. They didn't have time for him to go to Aspen Airport. Yeah, damn. They were picking him up in the helicopter. When's the last time we went back to Boulder, Denver?

Denver last August. Doing shows? Yeah, Boulder. I have not stepped foot in Boulder since. There's no comedy club up there, right? Since July, June, 20th. 25th of 1995. When you were in Milwaukee, you go by yourself?

I took Mike Voltron this time. You know, there's a lot of comments that are working. They're opening up. You want to take him out, get him exposure. He's a good kid. We get along. Do you usually go by yourself? It usually brings a lot of time.

It depends what comedy club I'm going to. Really? Yeah, because sometimes I'm taking food out of somebody else's mouth. I've been there. Oh, you're saying for a local comic? Yeah, like there when he got the week. Yeah. And I'm going to bring a guy with me.

So I know what clubs have local guys that are dynamite people. Yeah, you've been doing it so long. Yeah. I'm sure you go to New York or something like that. You know there's going to be some killers. Yeah, there's killers. I got a gay kid that opens for me in New York. That's a bad motherfucker.

Really? I love him with all my heart. Funny dude. And last year was the big time, first time he went in front of a big crowd like that. And he did okay the first show. But the second show, he got loose. Yeah. Where were you at in New York?

Gotham. Gotham is my spot in New York. I'm back there in November, the week after Rogan goes back there. I'm there in June. Yeah, it's a great little place and stuff. You're really liking this live performance. Love it, man. Love it.

How does the adrenaline compare to fighting? And the adrenaline, I watch you before you go up. You're very calm. You don't drink. You're sociable. No, yeah. You're not pacing. You're not.

You're very confident, which is good. Yeah. I wouldn't say the adrenaline is the same. Because I don't get the adrenaline. I think it's more of I enjoy it a lot. Like I never, I didn't enjoy fighting. It's weird as that sounds. I didn't enjoy that.

I enjoyed winning and going to the back, just being relieved and getting the accolades and celebrating that I won the fight. But when I'm in the fight, I didn't, I never enjoyed that. Like I enjoy stand-up. I love, I love being up there. I just, you know, it's just a, it's kind of a different, it's a different feeling. They don't really compare. They don't. The first two minutes on stage, for me, I could stab you in the neck.

Like, that's how much adrenaline and how much anxiety I have going through my body. When you're doing, I'm assuming when you're doing like a, because you've been doing it so long, doing like a big show. No. Any show. Like even at the Comedy Store. Yeah. Damn, you look at the comedy store.

See, and obviously I'm news. I'm not trying to compare our experiences at all in the least bit. I've been doing this for four minutes now. But at the comedy store, like, I've done firing the kid that sold out Vic Theater in Chicago, 1,100 people. New York, you know, these big-ass theaters, and I'll do a theater in Australia that sold out two shows.

Nothing makes me more nervous than the comedy store. Why is that you think? The comedy store, obviously, it's not my people. It's not my flared people. They're there to see Joey Diaz and Joe Rogan and Brian Call and Chris Delia, and I'm just, you know, I'm this side show. So to get laughs there is going to be way harder for me,

and I know that. That's why I do it, because it's the best training I can get. But also, you know, you go there on a fucking Tuesday night, it's Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Joey Diaz. Like, you better fucking bring something. Or, you know, they're not going to, they're not there just to laugh. Like, it better be some shit, man. Like, nothing makes you more nervous than the comedy store. Nothing.

I used to be nervous about all of them, Brendan Schaubes said you got me beat. No, no, no, no, don't get twisted. I'm nervous about all of them. I used to look at the audience and judge the audience and get beat up. What do you mean? So I picked up a bad habit early on That is great for any And it's

The guys in the other room Kicking the pads Yeah And you're hearing those pads Yeah And you're going Oh Same thing happens in comedy

You go and look at the theater It's beautiful And you look through the curtains It's a bunch of people With white hair And you're opening up With a pussy bit Then I'm gonna like you

Then I'm gonna like you And I don't like you Now you go out They have cocked. Yeah. So now that right hand isn't really releasing. You're fucking around. You're hesitant.

You're not using your best shit. So then it goes your shit and you get beat up. They can smell that. They smell in a fucking mile away. So when I first started, if I'd see people with white hair, I'd lose it. They'd like to laugh. And I can laugh. Nine other ten times?

They're left. Old people like dirty shit more than young kids. 100%. Especially an old couple will lose. They'll come up to your leg. That's why they're there. They're not getting that anywhere else. I'm going to come up and go, tonight I'm going to take my wife home and do what you did.

You're like, they want that Uncle Joey fucking raw shit. No, see, you lose the, you know, you can lose the war before you walk in the cage. Yeah. It's the same thing with stand-up. Yeah. In our New York Minute. New York Minute. I mean, I like, let me listen, as a comic, I'm not cheering for the guy in front of me to die.

As a professional, I want the comic in front of me to do the best he can. So I have to top that. Lift up your game. That's how you get. better as a comic. You know, you go, fuck it. I got a final day of Chappelle. I don't want to. Nobody wants to follow Dave Chappelle. But you do it. Yep. Well, to me, like, the only different, like the main difference that I see is that you like the trash talking and you're going to fight someone. But then I was like, I was thinking like sometimes isn't the saying like you're, you could be your

own worst critic. So I know it's scary to go fight. But like if you're with your brain all the time saying, oh, I'm scary. Like that's like more of a torture sometimes maybe. I could write all day. I could write for a week and at this level I can still tell you that it all happens the first 30 seconds before I go on stage. However I psyched myself out. Like whenever I used to open for Joe

in the old days and red band and them with all friends, they used to all have matching phones. So I would look at that matching phones and I would get angry. I want to be a bit angered before I go on stage but not really angry. That'll fuck up my act.

But I want to have a little wang to me. You did something. You spilled the fucking water, Brendan. I told you not to bring the fucking water in here, Brendan. You're like, Joey, Jesus Christ. Don't even trip on it. I'm doing that to fire myself up. So if I catch you five minutes before you bump into me and a set,

and you're like, I'm going up next. I'll bust your balls for 20 minutes about that. He was like, I never did nothing to do. Jesus Christ. And then they'll go, he's fucking with your dog. That's his psycho. That's his shit. They love it.

See, I like when, like, last time at the comedy store, It was you, Dan Cook, Rogan. I like being in the back. I'll get, I'll shut down because I'll get, just in my head, I'll go over my set over and over in my head, and I'll get very introverted, which I'm not that way. I like to fucking talk, you know, I like to talk, man. But if I don't have friends back there, I really don't talk to anyone. So when I see other people on there that I know.

I don't talk to you. Fuck, yeah. Yeah, so I'm back there. And you're like, what's up? If I like to get that out, that helps me get the nerves out when I can talk to you and just tell stories. And then I go on stage and I don't overthink it, if that makes sense. Same with fighting. A lot of times I'd overthink everything.

Oh, he's going to do this for you to do it. Oh, he's going to do this. No, just go do your thing, man. You know it. He knows this. And I tell you, even when people drive, I go, don't worry about them. Do your thing. If not you're going to get hit by the fucking guy.

Yeah. Just keep fucking driving. With comedy, I like to warm up with somebody. So it's really weird. I had a comedy friend once I told me he used to like to open up of what happened with his day. So for years. Just get started. I would reflect on my day.

and what happened. It was hysterical sometimes because you'd have bad days. People love when you have a bad day talking about your bad day. They can relate to it. So those first two minutes were just me on a rant from the heart, which people know when a rant is fake. 100%. People know when a rant is from the heart. Yeah. And it was really interesting how...

What did it be about what you're a man about? It can be about missing the bus. Whatever. Missing the train and this fucking dude got next to me. You're not going to believe I got arrested this moment. But you're just using that to get going before you kick it off. You were thinking a whole different. That's why I always say so much comedy is football,

because half of your life you're living in audibles. Yeah. Half of your life you're living in audits. More than half, I think. Jesus Christ, you know how many times I've gone to the comedy store, 15 minutes set, and I'm going to talk about this, this and this and that order and get the fuck out of that. Yeah.

There's something on the way of the store, music, the comic before me. It's something. and you have to adjust to it. Yeah. And it's really interesting, the audible part of it. Yeah, I don't have a lot of experience

like you've been doing 25 years. The only audible I've had so far I was going to, someone asked me to do a set. I never turned down a set. I need all the reps I can get. Right. Whatever I do it.

So it was at the improv in Hollywood. They go, hey, can you come on it? Yeah, no problem, man. I go down there. Yeah, you usually give me 10, 15 minutes, you know, eight to 15 minutes. So I just assume I was getting 10 to 15 minutes. I get there and you go,

you have three minutes. What the fuck? You know, that's not, I've never done up for you. Yeah, you have three minutes, man. You have three minutes to do your thing. I was like, shit. And literally, when I got there, between then and there, I had maybe five minutes, you know, just kind of figure things out.

But, you know, I didn't go great. But when you talk about your auto, it was just shit like that. But I think that stuff helps. I feel like dealing with that and trying to adjust whether you hit it out the park and not helps you down the road. I like to think so. The next time you do three minutes, it'll be better at it. A set as a set is a set.

Yeah. I always believed in, you know, six minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. I'm really good at the 10 minutes spot. Like if you go, Joe, you have a showcase for CBS, 10 minutes, you might as well go home. That's my world, because I'll talk fast and I'll do 20 minutes and 10. I won't let you breathe. I just keep punching in the liver. It just punches the liver.

I love a short set. And it's so weird now when you have a 45 minutes set, you have to adjust your liver. your tone and the speed and let them laugh and let them say. Yeah, it's so weird. But this is all the things you learn through experience. It kills me when, like, and we talked about this when I did your podcast. Yeah. When people think there's a shortcut.

No shortcuts. And there ain't no fucking shortcuts. Whether you want to be a dentist, a lawyer, a fighter, a plumber, a comic, an actor, you could take all the fucking shortcuts you want. but I'm telling you the way to get better than anything is just by doing it. Just by doing it. Even if you think you're getting beat up, who gives a fuck? Bro, I went to Jiu-Jitsu today.

And there's a kid there that's 265. When he lays on you, it feels like 9,000 pounds, bro. And the last time when I went there, he got on top of me, I couldn't do anything. It's miserable. I couldn't even retain my fucking guard. So I saw him today and that's the first guy said, let's go. Yeah. Let's go.

Which is rare, yeah. Most people avoid them. I'm passing this motherfucker's guard. And I passed his guard. He was so strong. Like, I'm fucking 297. I'm putting my shoulder into your chest. I'm sure you got better from doing that, though.

Oh, yeah. He was so strong, bro. I tapped on a minute left. I had one arm for a carmour. I was trying to come warm and shit. But it's so weird how, even for me with Jiu-Jitsu, I don't go to Jiu-Jitsu to be a tournament fight or nothing. I go to basically breathe to getting in shape

and to eliminate the fear of being on the bottom. Yeah. So for me, that's, I put it into perspective. the same way I did with comedy. When I first started doing comedy, I said, listen, there's nothing I could do. There was a commercial when I was younger, and a guy comes in, Penzo.

And the motto of Penzo in those days, are you either going to pay me now, or you're going to pay me late? Which in my mind, I always said, you're going to do the work now, or you're going to have to go back and do the work later. You know, it's like a lot of the guys that won last comic standing.

They got success from the last comic standing, but they didn't really have 45 minutes. a headline. Yeah, because you get done with Last Comic Standing, then you're out headlining all these clubs. So they would go out with 30 minutes, 20 minutes, and they wouldn't have that time. So their

heyday came and went, you know, guys like Ralphie Mae, they had an out when they won't last comic standing. Alonzo Bowden was a well-known comic. Yeah, Eliza's lesson. He's brilliant. Oh, she's brilliant. Experience is everything. Yeah. The thing that you have a head

about a lot of people that you're, you're like, in the A league. Meaning. You're doing the comedy store three nights a week. You're at the Lafayette. You're at the Ice House.

You know? Who else do you go? Really? Laugh Factory, Comedy Store and Ice House. Those are my three and I'll do the improv. There's young comedians somewhere right now. I go, man, I can't wait to play

the improv one day. I'm going to kill it. And you got it and you have it. So you have a great opportunity that you're like, those fighters in the year of scenes. Like, how do you get in that? And trust. And trust me, brother, I realize it too.

And I love with that shit. Super fortunate. And that puts a different feather in your cap. Because throughout the years, you're going to go, what the fuck am I scared of? I had to follow Norm McDonald's, I had. I had to follow him. I mean, fuck. The other night comment story was you.

Then went Dane Cook and I'm supposed to go Rogan, but he wasn't there. He was coming from the belly room. And Sam Tripoli was, hey, Shab, you got to go after Dane Cook. And then you introduced Rogan. So I was sandwich between Dan Cook and Rogan. Like that my experience It's so strange man the way life works My

My football career My UFC career has always been Just thrown to the sharks It's just for whatever reason That's how it's been God bless you Yeah A lot of people don't have that experience

And you have to learn from being there Yeah You get run over on the end There you go Well I've been fortunate because The thing that prepared me Somewhat of it And I have a long ways to go

But doing the live Finding the Kid podcast with Brian Callan because I'm at, you know, my first show is at Irvine, sold out show, so I'm used to these crowds, I'm used to that, doing that for a year, and then the comedy store was, hey man, we'd love for you do a set here.

Like, are you shitting? Well, what do you? Like finding the kid? You want me and Brian? No, no, no. We want you to do a, can you do 10 minutes? Yeah, I mean, I can, I can figure something out, and that's how it started. So just that that, that kind of that experience going through the live, finding the kids, traveling around, doing these sold-out shows is what

having a good time love it man now is Calvin going to Australia with you no no it's my show you and how long on stage are you gonna do I mean I'm there for you know I do I do my comedy so it's half comedy half you know current events which is improv on the current events and then I do a breakdown of the big fight

and then I do fan questions so it's usually two hours two hours show for you man just to have those legs yeah like when I first started doing comedy I had a timer on like at six minutes I'm running off that fucking stage. Yeah. Like I wouldn't have the balls to even say I'm going to step there for an hour. Yeah, I know my show's at least 90 minutes. Yeah, 90 minutes.

And off the current events, I can find some fucking human or roasting some one of the situations, you know, it's fun, man. You're having a good time, aren't you? Time of my life, man. It's a different type of experience. Time of my life, man. And you kind of, you control your destiny. It's different than, you know, not in finer sports, you don't control your destiny. but there's variables, you know, there's certain, you might not get this matchup or this fight or this sponsor,

you might not get the main event here, you know, because there's factors you can't control. This journey I'm on now, I control this shit. You know what I'm saying? Like I had cyborg on my podcast the other day, man, if I was still in the UFC and aired that, there's going to be some repercussions, man. They might shut me down. If I was working for Fox, probably wouldn't enter that podcast. Now you can't do shit.

It's just a different lane, man. just a different lane. Is there a reason why you didn't go like the acting route or maybe you are? I don't know, but is there a reason why you chose to stick with comedy? I mean, I've had some offers acting. I've had some cool things come up,

but, you know, comedy's hard enough, man. I'm behind eight ball as it is. You know, I gotta get going. I got a lot of work to do. Like, I love doing this. Like, this is what I want to do. You know, if there's some special thing in acting where it didn't take time away from my family

or comedy, I'd be down if it was the right thing. No, I even meant just in the sense when you were finished fighting or when you stopped fighting in the UFC and you could have been in like an action movie. It seems like there's a little less of a barrier to entry. Like it's a little easier maybe to act in an action movie for you or a football movie. Not for me. No. Not for me. No.

Because the podcast at the time, you know, we have a comic, Brian Knight's a comedy podcast. That's true. Yeah. So that thing started gain legs. Okay. And then, you know, acting just, you know, I got offered play. play the bad bad guy bodyguard in the movie

I don't want to fucking do that That sounds terrible I'm on set just sitting around You know Comedy is something I've always been fascinated by How long have you been a fan of comedy? Oh shit

I mean This is what's strange When people hear this You know my heroes Were Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler growing up How old are you, Brendan? 33

Wow And what was What was the first time You were exposed To a guy with a microphone. How old were you? Think back. I mean, your dad, your mom, your mom. My mom, every Saturday night religiously, we'd watch Saturday Night Live.

So you're, you're seeing, I'm seeing all those people on there. Those were my heroes. That's what I wanted to do. Like I fucking, anything Saturday Night Live, man, it's, I mean, that's, that's my job. High school. You did not take a drama class. You did not. Nothing in Denver wasn't, there was no outlet. No, performing arts in high school. No. My, my issue was is, you know, courage. and I probably wouldn't be here if I didn't take the route of sports, but, you know, I was blessed to some degree with an athletic body.

I was good at catching footballs. I was the fast-kitting class. But, you know, so that usually don't, you know, do that in drama. And also, in Denver, really, you know, my family, no one really thought about it. No, no, nobody ever thinks about it. Yeah. Nobody ever says, you know what? I think I'm going to understand them comedy because the first thing they're all going to go,

you're not funny. Tell me a joke. Yeah, I know. You're not funny. That's not funny. My mom was the first one when she saw me do a show at the comedy works in Denver. And she was like, she's like, when you were eight, I was telling people you'd be getting into some form of show business. My mom's really the only one who called it.

And Brian Callum probably like six years ago. I was wrapping my hands in the gym, getting ready to sparse a monster. I'm telling everyone's story in their laughing. You know you're going to do stand-up event. I'm like, you're fucking crazy. I'm literally wrapping my hands about to spar this fucking behemoth. And he goes, you're going to be doing stand-up. I mean, you're out of your mind.

You're fucking crazy. You know, Brian, I'm like, you're fucking crazy. So my mom and Brian are the ones. You know, there's a guy still talk to Jim andy. In fact, I've had him call into the podcast twice the beginning of the year because he's the guy that turned me on into, he turned me on into goals. When I used to sell cars, he used to go, come here, though. You got to write goals down every day, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I would tell him, man, I want to start doing comedy and shit. I would do like little shows in the showroom. And I'd be ripping those people outside and stuff. And one day, I went to the back to have his son watch one of the cars. And his son comes up to me and goes, you know, man, my mom and dad have been having a lot of problems lately. He goes, it's weed on the drive here. He said he felt like quitting his job and just getting in the car with you and taking you on the road. This is four years before I got into comedy.

And people were telling me, like, listen, bro, give it a shot. And I'm going to go, are you fucking retarded? Do you know the type of person you have to be? Yeah. They do one background check. And then they're like, they found out there's no background checks. There's no background check? I didn't fucking know.

I don't know. I thought they were going to even background check or blood test or some shit. But it's, like, I still talked a lot of my friends from grammar school. And they won't say we knew it. They'll say you were just funny. Yeah. Like, you were funny, so we had an idea somewhere, but then you became a criminal, so... You became a criminal, so kind of took a fucking weird road, but you came back around.

You found yourself. Are you one of those guys, Joy, where you think it's your calling? Like, you think you're put on this earth to be a comedian? Not at all. You don't think so? You don't think you have a gift? Not at all. I laugh at night.

I know these fucking idiots I got the truth. I swear to God. You're crazy, man. You also have a special skill set One of the top comedians in the world Joe Rogan labels you The funniest man in the world It's funny because I still remember being in front of the deli

We were hung out in Jersey Do you know what I'm saying? Like I could still close my eyes and see me And Villano and Ascalese and fucking runny A bunch of us And you, to talk in that circle You better be fucking You better bring your shit

You're a good You better bring your shit And I remember that I was always close out the circle. Yeah. Like I let them do their shit. And I just go on a fucking rant. And I take my dick on and I chase somebody to the war and shit. And they would go fucking bananas, you know?

I never, ever, ever. I watched it on TV. I used to listen to Richard Pryor albums. And what blew me away about Richard Pryor, the first time I heard him was I come from Cuba. I had never heard that type of language. Like I heard my mother say cocksucker or motherfucker or something. Not like Richard Pryor.

But nothing like Richard Pryor. Like I took Richard Pryor home more. It wasn't the stand-up aspect. It was to what the fuck was he doing. And then I took the stand-up. I watched some calling specials. Yeah. David Brenner was big.

I still remember Freddie Prince. Yeah. When Freddie Prince was rocking and rolling. Sure. But Pryor was the one that really bit into me. Did it for you? And I bought Bicentennial Nigger. Is it something I said?

I mean, I bought all those albums as a fan. Game changer for you. I watched a movie. I was there when he lived himself on fire. I lived through all that trauma. I was a fan of his. And then, I don't know. I feel like there's some comics you can look at and like,

I can see how he does it. I don't know if I have those skills, but I can see what he's doing. You know, like you wrote a bit. He's doing his thing. And then there's other comics. It's like my hero is Jim Carrey. I felt like I looked at him. I mean, I can't do any of that.

There's no fuck. If that's stand-up, and that's what I thought stand-up was, like I didn't have the George Carlin's, all that stuff. I thought that was standard. How good was Ace Ventura, the first one? What the fuck? Ace Venture. And part two?

Mask. The first one is my shit. Dude, the second one I love too. The first one, I didn't want to go. I took my nephew. I took my nephew and my daughter, like I'm Boulder. and I was howling. Game.

Game changer. Bro. My mom allowed me to miss two weeks of school. I saw it goddamn eight times. My mom worked across from in Sherry Creek Mall. There's a theater there. I would pretend I was sick. My mom knew I was doing.

She'd bring me to her work. And then she would give me $4. I'd look at it was an 11 o'clock movie 11 a.m. I'd fucking go over there. I'd go to Mrs. Fields cookies. I'd get a cookie sandwich with icing. double chocolate chip, vanilla ice in the middle, get my ticket and sit there.

Day after day after day, I was fucking obsessed with it. So I used to sell cars at Cherry Creek Dodge Jeep. Yeah, there you go. The Doug, Dandy Dug. Dandy Doug. That was his name. Dealing Doug.

Dealing Doug. I used to shoplift those malls. I used to go to movies there. Yeah, man. That was for Cherry Creek. Cherry Creek. You know, now that you said it, I got to be honest with you, I cannot lie to you.

The path was very simple. like it was laid out for me. Like it was laid out for me. Very scary. I went to prison. Before I got locked up, there was a guy that I did not like too much when I worked with him. We didn't like each other. And one day this guy came up to me.

And he goes, you know, you don't think I like you. I don't know if he liked me or whatever. I'm a little on the straight side. He goes, do you know what I did before I retired and took this job as a sales manager? And I go, no, this is two weeks before I got locked up. Two weeks before I got locked up, he goes, when I got arrested in bold, I was working at Bill Crout Subaru on 28th Street. This one was on 28th Street. Grant, that was the guy's name.

God bless us so. I had worked there, he didn't like my style of selling. He didn't like that I was like a fucking savage. And he came up to him when they. He goes on, I don't like him. So I just stayed away from him. Yeah. And about a week later he came.

much. You know what I did before anything? He goes, I was the booker for one of the casinos in Vegas. And he goes, I gotta tell you, you might have a career as they end up coming. And I looked at him, I go, are you fucking retarded? Are you fucking crazy?

Then I got arrested. Thought went right out the window. It wasn't, Brendan, until my little girl at the house wasn't even a thought. It's like if I come to you and say, you know what, you should play the harmonica. And you're like, Joey, I'll think about that. Yeah.

Okay. Let me go get a fucking harmonica. Like, by the time I got in the car and I went and got that ragged. I don't even think about it. That bag of Coke, it was gone. Like, I never thought about it. It was that crazy to you? Like, it was like the harmonica?

Like, you wouldn't even consider it. It's like me coming to you and going, you know what, Lee? You got a little orange. You should play the fucking bow. Like, you know, at an orchestra of the Hollywood Bowl, I'll hook you up. I got a connection down there. That's so crazy. I didn't think about it.

Like, I just got my car and went home. And then I got arrested, went through the process, ended up at camp George West and Golden. Let me ask you this, Joey. How old were you when you did your first set? Was it an open mic? Yeah, it was open mic at the Denver Comedy Works on Tuesday night, three minutes. And how old were you? 32.

So I got locked up at 25. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was a little early. We'll count it down. I got locked up at 25. When I was in there, shit would happen. And they would always, in the kitchen, no, in the kitchen. I was a stock clerk, and I would fuck around with the black inmates.

Yeah. If the food wasn't good, I'd go, don't do it. I'd yell across the thing. The brothers would go, and I go like this to them. Don't do it. And they go, God damn it, we got to eat reserves again, because they all had food in their rooms. Yeah. So one day the projector broke, and I would go on stage, they would go Cuba, go, and something happened that they said, tell them what happened today.

like it was one of those things so I'll tell you what happened fucking Mr. Yarborough and I went off because you're a good storyteller something like that and then like a week later they said the projector broke and they go Cuba go up there crack some jokes and this went on for about four or five weeks

so it's kind of your first open mic mic like the black guys there was three junkies working the no material working the crowd just working it straight black Mexican white look at this fucking dude with Jerry Curr

But they're looking for entertainment. And they all dug me, and they all got along me. I never had any beef. And then there was his white dude from Buffalo who killed his wife and her boyfriend. And he was at the end of a 22-year beat. And then he had to go to Buffalo and serve eight years. Fuck. And he rolled his own cigarettes.

He was very nerd. He knew about every book. He would get into deep arguments about Nietzsche with everybody and shit. And I would go in there every day. Because my job was very limited. My job was like two hours, an hour and a half, and then I had the rest of the day off to about 4.30. So I would go to the library and read the paper, the sports page,

and I'd return a book. And one day, bro, he came up to me and he gave me a notebook, which is big in jail. Like to get a notebook, you know, those old hardcover ones that look like he did a hit of acid in that black and white, and then it's his name and subject. Like it was one of those. And he goes, take this.

And I go, why? And he goes, so you can write your jokes. Like, he was like, like, this guy killed his wife and the guy that was cheating on him with. But he comes up to me with a note, he goes, take this. He goes, you're going to need this. You should write your jokes on here. Like, he was happy.

He gave me something. I'll never forget. And I go, what's this for? He goes, so you can write your jokes, man. He goes, you did really good last week. And I'm not a comedian. I just go up there and fuck around. And he looked at me like,

you go, so wait a second. When you go up there on Thursdays, you're not prepared. I go, no. When the fuck, do you see me right? I don't know. What the fuck am I going to write? Yeah. And he goes, listen, man, when you go out of jail, you should try this.

This is a guy who killed his wife. Yeah, I'm going to listen to you. So done. Done. Did I think about it after that? Yeah. Maybe once or twice. Maybe they were on to something.

But then I'm like, what the fuck's the guy, though? If he knew anything about entertainment, he'd be led up and manager. And what the fuck was the other thing? the hippie joe. If he done everything, he wouldn't kill his wife. And I got a job roofing. I went to work with my in-laws. So you're in prison for how long? Four or five? About 14 months.

Oh, that's it? I go to Boulder. I start selling cars. Okay. And then after I get out of a halfway house, I go to work from my in-laws. And I work on a roof in Denver for like six or seven months. Then they make me an estimate. They send me to training school. And I go to different rubber, Carlisle and Goodyear. And they all trained me on how to measure their ruse and shit. So there's one winter, like, you know, like in, I tell people all the time, especially Boulder. Boulder's only, then the Boulder is only cold the last two weeks of December, the first two weeks of January.

That's not bad. That's it. Yeah, people think it's all snowy and shit. Oh, my God. That second week of January, it was coming down, and we couldn't work. There was a high load dropping off materials. So all we had to do was go to the roof, shovel the roof, and then put the materials on. on the roof and we were going to go to eat lunch.

But something happened with all the snow that they couldn't get the thing. So my brother-in-law goes, Doug, do you want to go to the diner and get everybody green chili? Boulder makes some good green chili now. Boulder has some green chili. This is like South Denver. Oh, okay. This is before they developed off to 70, like

one of those warehouses that's real long. But two blocks away, the green chili was money. And you could either sit in the boot or go up to the counter and I just walked up to the counter and there was a Rocky Mountain Post. And you know, like when you open up a paper, just open it. Rocky Mountain News.

There's Denver Post? Right. I got confused. You know, when you open up a paper like that, just to see the story. Yeah, just like what's going on there. Right there. And Big Bull Letters. They said, do you want to be a stand-up comedian?

What the fuck? And there was a picture, Andy Payton. I still remember the comedian. Like up there and said, because Roseanne had just hit it out of Denver. She ought to start there. So, so, but she had just hit out of Denver. took some of the writers with her, you know, some of those writers from Denver wrote her

first hour. Denver now was fucking hopping. People don't realize that, Roseanne got her start. Yeah, no right there. That was it. And then the blue note in Boulder. Nobody even knows about the blue note. That was a jazz bar that they just started Coke and they burnt it down. Oh yeah, the blue note was

where Roseanne, Jeff Harms, Todd Jordan, Rick Kerns, those guys. There was a crew with them that had an improv troupe. Jeff Arms The guy who read me the ride I almost killed one night Matt Woods

Matt Berry is a gazillion there now he writes after shows and something's on right now that's his He keeps writing So that little crew in Denver helped Roseanne So I'm in this diner And I open this up Brendan

And there it is Do you want to be a stand-up comic Another sign, Joey And it was just like Comics flock And if you opened it up it had like the open mics in town what night you had a call

but in the bottom it said see you Boulder three week stand-up comedy course 35 hours sundays one to four I signed up I took the three-week class what was that class like you went up there he broke it down for you

he brought a notebook in and you broke it down he told you what books to get and it helped you? You'd review the books and then he made you do three one minute at the end of three weeks and after class he goes can I talk to you for a second he goes listen man I don't know what you plan is somebody goes you got a future in this fuck he goes if you like him I hope he had that goes a long ways fuck yeah he goes at least you're on to something so he took my number

and then they opened up a comedy club in westminster called I forget what the wits end and I went up to And I applied and I used them as a reference. And they gave me the job as a doorman. Are you a religious man, Joey? I am now because I'm 50. Are you? Sorry to now?

No, it was a path. You're absolutely right. I was going to say. There was a bunch of signs there. And then I took the DJ booth, then I took the bar back. And then it took me, I'm not going to lie to you, bro. It took me six months to get on the stage the first time, maybe eight months. I, you know, I would cancel the night on.

Yeah. I would call and give me the spot. Then I'd call them. Like all blew up or some shit like that. Making shit up? No, but this is the beauty of it. I got on stage July 18th. No, June 18th and 1991.

I got on stage the second time, July something. At the meantime, I was a doorman. Then I was a DJ. I was the everything. I was a doorman. Then I became the DJ. Then I bar back. And then I got on stage twice in August.

And in September, I got on stage, one time in Boulder and one time in New York City. I went to New York City to clean my head. Their house wasn't doing well. My house at the time, me and my wife and the baby. It wasn't clicking.

I was roofing from six to six. I'd basically come home, take a shower, and go to the comedy club until then. It wasn't jelling. I went to New York. I made a decision. I'm going to still do comedy,

but I'm going to work on the relationship. And I really did. And one day coming in October, and she looks me clean it. And I'd tell you what really happened. Like, I really wanted to do stand-up. But nobody was going to go for it. You understand me? There was no way I could do it.

Meaning, was it tough to tell people you're going to do it? Financially, the situation I was in, the people I was surrounded with at the time, it just wasn't going to work for me to do stand-up. Sure. There was no way. Like, I could still keep my day job and do sets at night. That was the plan.

Keep the roofing job, get rid of which ends. It's tough when you're family. And do the sets at night. Because you're also not that young either. Oh, please. Not 21. So, no, I got on stage 91. First time I got on stage, I was 28 years old.

I lied to you guys. I just didn't know it was 20 and 32. So it was tough. Like, Brendan, it was tough. Like, it was burning in me. Yeah. Like, I knew that this is what I wanted to try. at least. But you know going down that road, this family life's probably fucked.

This family line, we had bought a condo already. We had done a lot of things together. We had a baby with the relationship was slipping. I just thought this was a hump in the road with the relationship. But I kept thinking about Jesus Christ. So this is what I'm going to do the rest of my fucking life. I'm going to work on a roof Monday through Friday. Saturdays I got the baby. And Sundays, me and her take the baby up to the in-laws house. We eat dinner. And we listen to the same stories about fucking German. and you over and over again every fucking week. Is this it? And then one day when I'm 65,

I got to go fucking watch. This is it. This is what you're fucking telling me. And I mow my lawn and I shovel snow. Fuck you. That's my activities. I swear to have a warm bath in a razor blade. I was fucking dying.

I'm like, I can't believe. I can't believe that as an American or anything else that they make you go to college at 18 to pick your fucking card for the rest of your life. When you have no idea how to wipe your fucking asshole, they want you to pick your fucking major and label yourself. So now you're 21,

you're 60,000 in debt. I was just going to say any debt. And now you have to pick your choice and you realize, you know what? This ain't what I fucking want to do. 60,000 is nothing. That's what. You know, that's the,

that's, and that's what the fuck. And I got a kid and I got a fucking wife. What the fuck am I going to do? You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to quit the comedy job and I'm going to fucking roof. And I'm going to maybe Mondays,

Tuesdays and Wednesdays, after babies in sleep, I go out and do jokes. I bought Judy Carter's Comedy Workbook. I bought Gene Parraise, How to Write Comedy. I mean, I did everything I could. I was trying to write, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. I went down to bowl the broker, you know what that is? Yeah.

The meat market on Wednesdays to play, they did comedy there on Tuesdays. Wow. And I went and begged my way out on there on Tuesday nights. Right off baseline there. Right on base line. The guy said, Joey, I don't know. I got a magician as the host. I was, come on.

let me go up there and do time and I got up there on Tuesday and he goes, Joey, you're not bad. This is good, they liked you. He goes, yeah, the magician's kind of rusty. He said, give me time. And all of a sudden, a month later, he calls me. He goes, hey, man, Beck's beer.

Is Beck still around? Oh, yeah. Beck's beer is doing a national comedy competition and the regional's, they're going to do them here every Tuesday. So he goes, I want you to come down and do the contest. and I was fired up I went down there and guess what Brendan I fucking want

I won on the Tuesday I made my seventh time on stage I had a stupid joke about Godzilla making a comeback and coming out of the Hudson and shit and Chinese people dying I mean I didn't even know what I was saying I was nervous

I would do real fast and I took a loan out my friend came to me and I got a call bro so I didn't know when I get to $4,000 from me so I go what if I'm going to get up to $4,000 I went up to the University of Colorado

and I signed up for fucking nine classes. I just let me see if I could get away with this. And right there, I applied for a 2625 loan. And like two days later, they're like, yeah,

come pick it up Friday. So I picked up to 2625. I took $1,000 in my account. I bought this car, and I think I made $2,400 or something on the car. I don't fucking remember, but I made a good piece of money in that time. And I went right back to the school next day.

I said, I got to resign my credit, so I'm just going to pay you back the loan. I paid back the loan. Damn, nice little hustle. About three weeks later, I walk in my house and my ex-wife is sitting there with the letter in the head. She goes, she never told me about this. I said, what do you think paid for that fucking car last month and everything?

I go, I made 20, I sold the car. And she goes, I got to tell you, I'm not, I'm not, and pregnant, I got to tell you something. At the time, my mom died. My guy didn't have a good, I didn't have a bad childhood. I just didn't have a family-type childhood. When I was 19, everybody was talking about pussy. Yeah.

I already knew I wanted to get married. Yeah. Like, when I was 19, everybody was talking about 3-0-54 and getting their dicks up. I'm like, this shit ain't for me. Not the player life. I want a wife. I want one I never had. Yeah.

So for the first time I had this bitch just didn't feel right. And this bitch looked me straight in her face, Brennan, and she goes, listen, I'm going to move back. So I'm done. And I'm going to file for divorce. I'm going to take the child and wife's split custody. White girl? White girl, let me tell you something. And you know me, though, for the first 30 seconds, it stung.

Fuck, yeah. Like a little bit. But after that, a cloud came over me. No. And all I thought about is now I can do comedy. Yes. It was almost a relief. Oh, my God.

And I was in love with her in the way, and I loved the baby, but I couldn't deal with her anymore. We had gone through everything we could together. She did you a favor. She did me a favor. It was fucking crazy. Like when she said that to me, I didn't know how to feel. Like the regular guy,

if a regular guy didn't have anything to look forward to, you would have a collapse. Yeah. I didn't because I'm like the, I mean, finally. It was 35 seconds later when that door came in my mind. I go, oh my God. I can do comedy now.

I can do fucking comedy now. Later, bitch. I lost a daughter over it. Yeah. You know, I dedicated myself to this, you know. but I always knew even if I stayed in Boulder I wasn't going to be her father the way I was supposed to I just saw the cards

You talked to her now? No, we still haven't talked 10, 12 years now Really? I hit her up on Twitter two weeks ago And she still Man, we're not going to talk for a while Yeah That has to bother you a little bit

It bothers me because I see the relationship I have my four-year-old time Which, by the way, almost didn't let me come here today. My 15 months old almost didn't let me come here. They went sick at the crib. Daddy, where you go? She only asked me twice a week. Tonight, she goes, I go to work.

She goes, maybe you shouldn't go to work tonight. Maybe you should stay on and watch Kyle Wally Kazan with me. And she started reading off the episodes earlier than what. It's tough, man. Victor the villain and fucking the mom, whatever. It's tough. If I don't have a set, I have people that have some new podcast all the time? Yeah, no, no, I'm home too.

I'm fucking home. I'm home this weekend. If it's not dire important, I do not fucking on night. It's got to have an envelope. Friday, I'm going to the family dance, the school dance. Oh, nice. I'm going to eat some stars of death. I'm going to get fucked up with some vizine in my eyes,

and I'm taking a whole fucking family to this. You know, you need to do that, and now you lose your family. You don't have a family. Yeah. What did you call? A man without a family is not a man. Yeah.

A man who doesn't spend time with his family. I didn't know that when I was 26. Yeah. I thought your wife was somebody who stabbed in the ass once a week. She did your laundry and she cooked. No, man. Boy was, I mistaken at that age. I was a fucking animal.

You're young. And this is why I got what I got. But it was weird when she told me she was done. It was like I hadn't. I went right for county. Like she was gone maybe a week. And I already had a list of open mics. She did your biggest favorite she could have done.

That's how I justify it. I mean, I'm still angered that I look at this four-year-old. how tired I am with her to Jackie and me were even tighter. So for her to turn on me like this, for her not to talk to me, something was said to her. Well, she's only get one side of the story. Something was done. The mom's going, this is your dad. This is what fucking happened.

She would just sit down. How old is she now? It's 27. Come on. Yeah, something would happen. She's all enough now where she can make a decision where you at least want to hear your dad out. And because of this, this time's I'm going to contact an attorney. I'm like press charges.

I'm like, I really do. I got a case of you. But I go, you know what? What are you going to win out of that, Joey? It has to be up to that. I want to hit it like a Jew. I want to hit her in the pocket. I want to make a pain.

I could probably get some type of settlement for it. I don't need to do that, though. You're absolutely right. I'm like, well, am I. It's up to that 27-year-old to figure out that. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? So I'm not, I can sit here, bang my head.

I can take a plane in the Aspen where she lives and maybe get charged with something. She'll come around. I get it. You know what, man. I'm straight. that that's what bothers me. Besides that, no, I'm not bothered at all. I got a second chance, and I'm not

missing a fucking beat. People look at me and go, what the fuck are you here? Listen, all this shit, this is nothing. You could die, and you can't take nothing with you. I can't take the microphones, this mule. I would take this to the deepest debt. Like, if there's an earthquake right now, they would find

me under here, a whole time. This is the best bong ever of all time. This is known to fucking put people in the trances and shit. You know, but it's like, I don't know. I'm not angry either at all. Yeah. I got a second chance and I try to do the best I can.

And I'm like you, you don't have a fucking envelope. I love you to death. I can't do it, though. I ain't happening, man. And even with the envelopes and times. And even, yep. I got to stay home and pay attention over there. The wife, everybody needs to get paid attention.

I turned out a TV show in New York. It's going to be gone for six, it ain't happening. Be gone for six weeks. Take me away from my kids for six weeks. Ain't happening. And you know what? What am I going to do? Take a plane here on Friday and get back on a plane Sunday.

Oh, fuck you. And then Monday, you're walking around wounded. And Saturday you're walking around wounded. You're like a zombie, man. Your kid recognizes that shit. No, no, no, no, no. It's the law diminishing returns. If I learned anything out of C you,

anything was intro to microeconomics. It's the law diminishing returns. Yeah. Well, the best is learning how to say no to shit, right? Well, there's a lot of shit. Listen, when I moved here, I'm not going to lie to you at all, Brendan. I did everything. I did everything.

I did everything except extra work. Yeah. If you had five shows in one night and your show didn't pay, I'd still be there. Yeah. Because I knew the result. The result would be, I'm only getting better. You're working on your craft. You would go and tell your friends, I got Joe Diaz to do 20 minutes.

He's a fucking sucker. You're a sucker, bitch. Yeah. Because I got your audience. And I did what the fuck I? I wanted. I tried new jokes. You know, you do three, four sets a night.

I would go to Boyle Heights. I would go to fucking, oh, we used to go in the hood, Jack. Yeah. That's the training grounds. I don't even know who still has rooms, but those rooms are tremendous. Those little Mexican rooms, as I call them, where they sell tacos outside the bar and shit.

Mondays, Tuesday, some of them give you 35, some of them give you 50. It doesn't matter. Yeah. You're just going after they do sets and get better. in front of different defenses. These people have a TV on it. Yeah.

These people have a TV on it. It's like when I was the house MC and the broke bowl of the broker, comedy night was 15 bucks plus you got a steak and a baked potato and a bowl of shrimp. Remember they were known for shrimp whenever you wanted to?

Here's the problem. I got to be funny enough for you to put that steak down. Yep. You're competing with the food. It's a different type of animal. Yeah. So when you go to these bars

and the Spanish bars, as I call them, they're people, they're human beings. Half of them are sitting, half them are standing, half them are shooting pool, and now they've got to stop shooting pool. And the other half were watching that fucking Laker game. And we had to shut it up. You better be funny, bitch.

You know what I'm saying? So the level of commitment, so you get to face more defenses. You're sharpening the sword. You're just, and you're dying. You're just going out. They're all just going through your head. And you're like, oh, shit, I should have used that joke.

It don't matter. Because I got a 10.30 and Marina Dorey. I'll try it there. And if not, I got 11, 15 at the comedy store. And in those days, I didn't care what time I got to the comedy store. I'll get there. They'll put me up. I'm on the list.

Yeah. So I didn't even look at the clock at the comedy store. It didn't even matter. I was just going to get there at midnight and go up in front of eight people anyway, maybe 12. You know what I'm saying? So it's a system. The endurance of it, like, it's just, it was crazy. It was crazy.

And I did the same, believe it not, I had the same system in Colorado. Yeah. Mondays I did the outback in Boulder. I crossed in the puddle car wash. It was like an Australian bar. They had a back vault that seated 20. Mondays I'd do that.

Tuesday to do the county works. Wednesdays I'd do Club 52 off of Commerce. Commerce City. Yeah, Commerce City. Yeah. Fucking guy was nervous in person. made you got to follow him put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Thursdays I did El Toritos and Cherry Creek down there off the exit. You know what you're talking about? They gave you $25 a coupon and a free dinner to do stand-up. So you always had the free coupon. Things got bad. Let me get four bucks. Where are you going? Al-Torino, Cherry

Creek, Jack. I got a free dinner with that. Pss! With a house? What the fuck you think you're dealing with? So what do you work out now? You got a We're going on special. What's the...

Since I last shot, I shot my special in October. I just started throwing things up in the end. Kind of recent, yeah. And I haven't really put nothing on paper yet. The last month I've been putting shit on. You know, I can come up with 10 minutes in your city. I can come up with 10 minutes about the flight and you city.

For sure. You know what I'm saying? So right there, I had 10 minutes of a new... I may have 10, 15 new, but the basic of the act is the same. And I got sick of a dog. So last Saturday, when I got off stage in Michigan, I go, that's it. I'll never say this material again.

Feels good. So I'm home right now to July 18th. Working. I have Brea. In the kitchen. No, I have Brea. That's it. And what I've been doing lately is getting up early and going to read the writing right in front of an hour or two.

I come home, I hang out with the baby. I take her to school. Then I do another hour or two of writing. And then I do whatever I got to do. Like Monday at a meeting, Tuesday. I just couldn't. I had asleep and today I went to Jiu-Jitsu. You see Netflix, they're, they're focusing, obviously they still have their hours,

but they're folks on 30-minute specials. Right, they offered me a half-hour. So that's probably what I'm going to work for next. You would slow. Yeah, I would slow her a half-hour. The first person I thought of. Yes. We had the same agent.

Yes, I told him as soon as he brought it up. You want to happen. Yeah, no, no, no, no. Good luck competing with that. And I would take them like to, like, Buffalo, where I could take those motherfuckers on a juggernaut of a ride. You understand it? a city like that a Nyack

I'll take him to Nyack New York that's a fun motherfucker yeah take him to there's a couple clubs that you walk in there and as you leave

and you're like this club is perfect to tape some type of special yeah I thought of you right away when I heard that no there's a lot

little opportunities you know I'm just sitting back you know man I'm the type of guy I take my set seriously like this is the first time

my life this is happening yeah and I learned a lot of this from Joe Joe once told me because you know they interviewed Joe DiMasional. He goes, every night you got to play your heart out.

Because somebody might be watching, you might die that night. Yeah. And you have the shitty game. You know what I'm saying? You know what I have a shitty game. It really hit me. And I was like, he's right. And that's why I have a problem with the comedy store also.

What do you mean? I have a problem with the comedy store now, not personally or anything. I still love it. It's, listen, bro. I was thief and I was fucking doing crazy shit. You know, I didn't know where the fuck my life was going. And the only thing I found out of this comedy store, before I got to the comedy store, I read like 10 books on comedy,

and they all mentioned a fucking comedy store. Come on. Most legendary place on earth is the place to be. Yes. Guess what, though I still is. Guess what? What's up? Even though I got the felonies,

even though my kid don't talk to me, even though I never really got the fucking college degree at the end, even though I had all these shortcomings. Guess what, bro? I was a regular at the store made by Mick Smithy. That's like being a Gambino. That's a big deal.

And Carlo Gambino making a Gambino. That's, don't matter what. Carlo Gambino made me a Gambino. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Biggest not, you know, when nobody in this town, I mean dog Brendan,

they all hated me. Ask Joe Roggan. Joe Roggan, I'll sit here and tell you people to tell them you can. Do they're comics? Comics, managers, agents. Why they hate you? Comedy club owners would tell you.

Joe, you can't bring him here no more, and Joe would love it. Why? Because I was, you know, loud and dirty, but then something happened. I booked a movie. And once you book a film, people look at you different here,

whether it's a film or a commercial or a TV show, because now they can't say no to you. They can't fuck with you. Because eventually you could become somebody something. Most likely you ain't going to be dick. But you did this movie. And that's what you're, when some people pay the attention,

but for the most part, dog, I've always had a shitty agent. Always. I've had, like, the coloring book. Yeah, yeah. And fucking Smith and Weston, you know, I've had... So what's your problem with the company store now?

The comedy store for me right now, today, I used to go to the workout. There's nothing like working out. There's nothing like going on stage for the 28 people. And going, you know what? I'm going to talk about Sabbath buddies, I'm at the death leopard high and dry.

And going up there and going on a tirade about it and having a tape recorder in your pocket. Okay. And you go home and listen to the tape recorder and you go, I could use this, I can use that. Got laughs here. What happens at the comedy store now is it's so high level.

You ain't got time of dick and to go in there and throw out duds. That's the pro ball. It's the pro bowl. You better shine. So, you know, I'm trying to fucking... It's sold out every night. Every night. Every night. So for me to do what? I want to do right now

what I need to be doing I can't do it down there I feel you I see what I'm up with you know what I'm saying and there bits I got they want classic joke I got bits that are starting and I don't want to be fucking listen bro

I got to shoot something tomorrow in the afternoon so that's why they dyed my hair and doing a fair for a friend of mine I'm playing a young basketball courts then September he's going to shoot me again with white hair but I got white hair I can't go on stage

talking about eating pussy and eating ass So you got to talk about what's going on in my life. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm trying to really break it down. I got to have done this special. They even asked Justin to do a special dirty. If I would go all out and I'm like... You feel like you've outgrown that?

I outgrue it. Yeah. I'm out to storytelling, comparing what's going on then to now and how I'm different. Bang, that's it. Every comic goes through that though, right? Yeah. You talk about what's relevant in your life? Listen, you want to do a midnight show and people know we're going to be dirty

and we're going to have a good time. Oh, I'll go up there and talk. about fucking sucking your liver out yeah but I'm not doing that shit at 8 o'clock anymore no you know I don't want people to go home and go he was dirty he was funny but he was just dirty he was vulgar I see what you're saying that makes sense that's what always killed me that's what always made me defan fighters in the UFC and we've had this discussion already and that's why I've taken comedy so seriously maybe the last eight nine because of what I saw in the UFC.

What do you mean? Guys that had a strong weapon, but they refused to work on the rest of their arsenal. Oh, and then you found out. Because of the dependency of that strong weapon. And eventually, everyone sees it. It's horrible. And I'm not talking about a guy like Houston Alexander

who couldn't wrestle. One day somebody put him on his back, and it was horrible. He was back there for a turtle. Yeah, on his back. But with Houston, the first minute, You were in danger seeing fucking animals flying and shit like that. Well, the game evolves fat.

It evolves fast. Look at Ronda. There's a bunch of guys. Anthony Pettis. There's a lot of guys where the game evolves super high level. Super fast. And it's so weird how, you know, you'd see them on the card. You'd see the UFC countdown.

Yeah. And they'd be out there. Let me tell you something. When he feels my power. Oh, yeah. And I go, this guy's going to lose. Yeah. And they show the other guy, this time, this guy did half his training at Jackson.

and he did the other half or Enzo Gracie's. And this guy's still at home on the farm with his friend and his father-in-law. You're like, what the fuck are you thinking?

Yeah, you get better. You know what I'm saying? You gotta get better. He's almost, my father was an assistant wrestling coach at the high school.

That's great guy. I'm not gonna cut it. That's 1960 fucking two. He's still thinking about what's that Louis? What's that move when they get you in a half Louis? What's that?

Half Nelson and shit. You know what I'm saying? This is the UFC, bitch. You miss it, Brendan? No, none the least bit. Never. How did you stumble upon the U.S.C.? Uh, like, but first I'm ever seen it? No, no, like, so you played C.U. Boulder.

Played C.U.C.U. No, why are you going to see you bold? Do you take Henzhou Gracie, Jiu-Jitsu? What are you doing? I'm taking, uh, some classes in the summer at Easton's B.J.J. in Boulder. I'm going over there after my training camp. Oh. Just because I was interested in. I thought I could do it maybe. and then I had a quick cup of coffee with the Buffalo Bills training camp and then realized that wasn't going to be a life for me.

You know, it's heartbreaking. And then I was a cardio kickboxing coach at L.A. boxing. I was just training, training, and then it kind of just fucking took off. I met the right people meeting the, at the time, you know, Nate Mark Hart's gym, Nate was in the UFC. There was just guys coming in there, guys coming out. Me and Shane Carwin, Shane had one fight at the time. He needed a big guy to train with.

I was the new big guy. Me and him linked up. From there, we went to T's K.O. Where it was Rashad Evans, Keith Jardine, just the who's who, George St. Pierre, and she got into this cycle. And then started taking fights, and then fucking four fights in,

I get a call from the Ultimate Fighter. It's heavyweight season. Boom, off to the race. He's got my ticket to the chocolate factory. How crazy is that? Crazy. Crazy. That's more crap.

Me pursuing fighting is way more crazy than me, pursuing comedy. My family went, what the fuck? Did they? Oh, my God. My dad was like, you're an idiot. You're an idiot. Literally do anything else. My mom went, where are you doing? I mean, you guys, you know me

pretty well. I'm not aggressive dude. I'm not an angry guy. I have a good work ethic. You know, that's about it. But I don't enjoy hurting people. I don't want to hurt people. When was the first time you got into a fight? How old are you?

I mean, growing up with my older brother, left and right, but on the street? Fuck, man. I mean, bullies at school, maybe. How old? 12, 13. I mean, like, legit fight? Maybe, uh, 14, 50.

Do you remember what you felt like? Did you want? I was terrified. Terrified, man. I was terrified fight in the UFC. Terrified, man. Not, you know, some, you know, like the Diaz brothers or, you know, that you hear these guys, like, Kane Velasquez or these guys, like, it's in my blood.

I'd do this for free. What the fuck? It's what you animals I would never do this for free I'm only doing this because of the camera and people pay tickets to watch this It's crazy because I enjoyed it so I was about 13

And I took a beating when I was 13 That was ferocious Broken nose Busted lips You know fucking lumps to the head I busted his nose But in my world That didn't do dick

Compared to the way that I mean I was healed I'm not angry anymore It was just I started fight when I was maybe five when I moved from Cuba in New York City. Yeah.

I got into a couple of scraps. I had to, yeah. I got hit in the head with a lunchbox a, a fucking the little containers in that. Yeah. And then there was this one kid I used to scrap with a lot. By that time I knew karate.

His name was Rudy the Haitian. He was Haitian, him and his dad. And I fought that kid, Brendan Shaw, 10 times. Finally, his dad grabbed me and held me arms and had Rudy beat the fuck. God damn. This was animalistic.

He took me upstairs and my mom pulled a knife on him. Jesus curse. And chased them and the cops came and the neighbor said my mom didn't have a knife, so they didn't press charges. Good for you, man. So he grew up doing it. No, no, no. Then I went to Catholic school those years,

and I'm assuming I had a scrap of two. When I was 13, now by this time, I'm doing karate. Yeah. Like, I'm pretty going to the gym, and I'm sparring after class and I would go to Mario Dears's house at 9 and he would put we'd go to his basement and beat

the fuck out of each other. Yeah. The sheet rock was busted everywhere. No wrestling, no MMA. Just karate, flying sidekicks, roundhouse kicks to the head. We bought the gear.

We had the iron palm technique. I mean, we were crazy. And then right before I quit karate. I got lit up in the gym one there. I remember walking home, you know, with just boxing gloves and then karate games.

Yeah, just fucking around. This kid was like a purple belt. And I couldn't believe his quickness. I couldn't believe his footwork. I couldn't believe dick. At that point, I had been doing karate, you know, fucking eight years. I wasn't no Bruce Lee,

but I knew what I was doing. And I was like, you know what? Finding is definitely something. I'm just going to watch. Like I was a Roberto Duran. fan and Mahmala Lee and shit. I think for a lot of fighters, I think Anthony Rebel Johnson just retired. I actually reached out to me today. You know, you retired top of the game rank number two in the world. And he goes

I'm worried about my brain man. Like I see how a lot of this ends for the guys and you know, I'm worried about brain drum and stuff like that. I got a lot of living to do man. I'm only 30 or 29 where the fuck he is. He's like, you know, once you start thinking about the repercussions of what you're doing, whether it's football, fighting, it's probably time to get out. Because the guy you're fighting is really not thinking like that. You know? You know, you look at the guys.

Like, Maham Ali, probably didn't know. And before Muhammad Ali, they just kept it hidden. But they just didn't know. They just assumed, you know, who knows? You watch concussion? Yeah. Very interesting. I watch it twice on planes.

Me too. I have sold on plane. Tremendous. You could only watch that moment. If you watch it on plane, if you watch it at the house, something's going to happen. Yeah. And they got to fuck you up and you don't have time to fuck around

when I'm watching this fucking movie. It's too serious of a movie. That movie shocked me. Did it? Shocked me. Not me. It shocked me because I thought the NFL was better to their players.

I thought that, well, I remember I did, I did, with Bosworth. And Bosworth. And I spent the whole weekend one time with Bosworth, me and him just chatting.

I thought I loved him. First of all, I loved him. Yeah. But he filled me in. on one weekend of how they find him. They wouldn't even give him a game check because he would wear his shirt outside of his pants. No, he wore it like the midriff.

It was fucking something crazy. They would find him the amount of his check. Yeah. They took his house. He had to go to Hawaii. It's a business, man. But it's a business, Josh. Shirts.

And we've discussed it before with Lee how I never knew until maybe two years ago, the longevity of a running back in the NFL is three years. Three years. You know, because I grew up on an arrow camel. Look at him. These are the freaks. Those are the freaks.

Yeah, you don't remember the guys who are like that. That's all you remember. Also, it might be a little better now, but at the, this is probably three years ago, you know what the average career of a UFC fighter is? Do you guys know? Yeah. Year and a half. Year and a half is the average career in the UFC. I think that was a stat three years ago, but maybe it's a little long.

Maybe it's not because they're making cuts, but you got to remember in the UFC, for all those main card guys you know, there's a shitload of undercard dudes. Year and a half is the average career. I always leveled it this way. If I got the call from whoever, Jimmy Smith, Dana White, whoever the odds maker is today, honestly, this is in my head. I don't think a 22-year-old or a 24-year-old would know this. I think I'd have a year and a half to accomplish my mission. That's what I really personally think,

that you have to go into the UFC knowing that you're going to fight seven times in one of those for a championship, and that's the side what your next move is. That's fair. So you go in there, you fight on two or three prelim cards, you knock the motherfucker out, they put you on the main card low end. Yep.

And you keep knocking, submission, submission. Six fights, you're in a championship fight. Yeah. You're six and no, you could talk a little shit. See where you go from there? Yeah, see where you go from there. The first year in the UFC,

you do fight three or four times the first year. That's acceptable. I fought four. Yeah. I had three knockouts all under him. minute you know and then you they toss you a vet it's fine you pass that test you know their vet crow cop fine you pass that test now what five and own the o'c four and own the o'c then you start fucking with the big dogs you're talking about the top ten guys top five guys you know and then you find

out you know are you gonna are you gonna be one of these legends are you gonna be the guy like is this your path you know or you want to be a journey man where it's probably not for you you know you're not going to be making those boo-go dollars you're not going to be the guy who you know is is selling jerseys and stuff like that. Well, you know, I mean, you go into it because, first of all, and I don't know if you're listening to this people or not, but always remember, you do this shit because you absolutely love it. Or you have no options, Joey, or lack of options.

That's usually where fighting comes from on that. I'm going to tell you something. I had lack of options in 1991. I was a roofing making maybe 40 a year. I was probably picking up another 20 on the side doing our jobs, roofing. selling cars. 60.

After taxes. I was doing 60. 60 in Boulder in 87, you're going to eat dick, okay? Terrible. My wife probably made at the time 40 cutting hair downtown. That was it. It's hard cable to you. Once we broke up, I could learn how to do anything in a week.

You know, I could take Dana White's job in a week. I'm one of those motherfuckers there. But I knew that the ceiling for money was going to be low and bolder. And that's why I said, if I'm going to be below and bolder. broke, I might as well be broke doing what I want to do. When I first got on stage, again, when those people mentioned these things to me that I should do comedy, I didn't like it. Then one day it snowed, and I watched the movie Punchline with Tom Hanks.

And I watched that movie, and I'm like, wait a second, I might like this. You know what I'm saying? I like that. I need a family. I need to hang out with people. I need to do stand-up. Once I did it in Denver, and I had a conversation with Matt Woods, I did it up in Greeley.

at the Denver training camp the first one that they go to the rookies, my friend had the contract. Okay. So I did comedy in front of the Denver Broncos in the train. I bombed. It was just a bombing the second time.

But it was the second time I got on stage. Yeah. And the third time I got on stage again was that the comedy works, and I did something else for Bill. Bill, I forget what his fucking. It don't matter. He had a motorcycle shop in Fort Collins. I did something else for him.

And I got to tell you something. After four times, I loved it more than cocaine. Boom. It was the first thing that I knew I wanted to do. You're drawn to. I knew I wanted to try it. You also didn't give a fuck about the money.

At that time, I was disenchanted with money. Yeah. Because money have got me all my problems. Yep. And even when I had money in aspirin, I had the $50,000 in cash, had horrible problems. I wasn't happy. Yeah.

It didn't make me any happy yet. what was the happy part of it that I bought a new car or then I went to eat lobster tails and showed off to people so by the time I was 28th dog I was disingen with money I was like this is bullshit

good for you all my life I wanted money to do what to have a test of Rosa to show you I had a picture of a tester Rosa on my wall I'm gonna get a testa Rosa white one of North Boulder I'm paying $450 rent

I'm gonna get a tester Rosa that's how retarded I am and I'm looking at this thing going really is that what I really wanted That's not who I ever was. Growing up, bro, my mom had money. Yeah. I didn't like it.

I didn't like it. I would take my chains off in front of kids. My mom would go, why are you there? These kids lived 10 in the fucking bedroom. I had a cable TV and my own air conditioner in my own man with a carpeting. And I slept by myself, not with three of your brothers in the room with a fan in the summer. I was embarrassed. They would go, let's go to your house.

You don't want to go to my house. Yeah. I live in a bad place. I lived on 205 West 88. I had my big room. Fucking, color TV in my bedroom, a stereo, you know.

So I never liked that whole thing. And it all dawned there, bitch. If I'm gonna be, you know what, I'd rather travel every night. You know, at that time, I listened to Bob Seeger music and Bon Jovi wanted Dutter Alive. Yeah. And I read the Lenny...

Bruce. Bruce book, which Marco from the Chop Restaurant gave me, Lenny Bruce Live, from the Carnegie Hall. I got to bring it so we can listen to it. Once I read that book,

I was done. Game over. About him living at the Chelsea Hotel and he would only do comedy after strip clubs. At strip clubs. So you fuck a stripper every night. You get a $10 bag of heroin.

He'd go back to the Chelsea Hostel, sleep till two, get his pipe sucked, and then crank jokes at night. Yeah. Perfect. Killing it. Perfect. Who doesn't want that fucking light, brother.

Let me read some shout-outs and we'll get you out of you. Perfect, man. We'll close it up with some comedy shit here. Cleo, you know, I love you. Thank you for always listening to support us and give us your love. Mackenzie Tittle, Tony Gallego, Lorne Rosenka, always thinking about you. My little fucking genius, Cassius Morris.

My favorite Puerto Rican, Renee, N. Carcion. Juan Montoya and Sean P. Smith, I'm watching you. The Lalingis family. You know, I got your back, motherfuckers, always. Hope Dad is doing well. And my man, Larry, get a job, cuck, sucker. You look good, man. I'm happy that you're doing the stand-up,

that you're not faking the funk. I'm happy that you're turning TV shows down, that you don't want to be Brian Bosworth. What was the name of the movie he did? I forget, man. It's terrible. Stone cold. Something like that. No, man.

I know we got time for it. They gave that motherfucker away three movie deal. Oh, I know. That's how it goes, man. Five million. Yeah. What do you do? What do you do?

What do you do? What do you're doing? I'm doing a podcast right now. What? I'll smack you in the fucking head. Go get that motorcycle and go in there and be stoke hole. Stone hole, yeah. Stone cold.

Oh, Julie, it was brutal. You have to watch it. I appreciate you, man, and just being, uh, just supporting and fucking. Oh, no, dog. I know when somebody's faking the fuck. Yeah. I've lived in this town for 20 years. Yeah.

And I know the people are trying to get rich quick. Those are the people that I give them rope. I just giggle. Yeah, no. Bro. If I was you, call CBS tomorrow. You should tell him. Call CBS.

Oh, yeah. Get a special now. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Go on. You think so?

Yeah. Go for it. You just feed them. But with you, I like how you even mingle at the store. Yeah. You're just a regular guy that wants to go on stage. That night I was watching you. I wanted to see if you got nervous.

Yeah. When I see you walk in, you didn't have nobody with you, you didn't have no coach with you. You didn't have, there's no drama. Fuck, no. You were there by yourself, and I was really impressed how you were walking around the back room. This was the main room, again, with Joe and Hal Madrigal, and Burke Kreischer. I mean, it was a fucking murderous row, and you were walking around like, fuck, and you didn't give a fuck. We had a little conversation.

Our agent was there and some other guy. And then you got on stage, I waited, I listened to you. And by the time I got to the door, you were talking about, you know, college. And now the guy was kicking the pound. Whatever the fuck. And I just walked out. Because I had no place to stand. It was fucking back.

But again, your composure on stage, you're out doing sets. You're not waiting for somebody to come to your house and rub your balls. So I respect all that type of shit, bro. I appreciate you, brother. I do. I really fucking do. What did you think of the fights this weekend? They were good.

Best fighter in the planet. Joanna Chinchin, Chinchek. Champion, that's a better way. That's it. I just have nothing else to say. There you go, Doug. She impresses me more than anything I've ever seen in my life. It's like if you don't want to learn how to be a fighter, just watch her.

I agree. That's it. And you don't want to like a bottom of the most? She paints her toenails and her fingernails the whole time. That's a sexy motherfucker right there. I agree. brother. When she's smacking people, my dick gets hard.

She remembers. Who wants a chick that wants to talk about stupid shit? I hear you, man. Kickboxing, and she's supporting the seals. I don't give a fuck. I got a Polish chick that bit smacking motherfuckers. Every six months, she shows up and just bit smacks motherfuckers. I read a stat.

The last three fights, she's had 700-something strikes compared to 200-something from her opponents. Yeah, I mean, she's in the crazy. You know, those three fights, about 75 minutes. and just doing work. And she's like a point fighter? Yeah. A fighter mixed into one, which is rare. She always scores one with that last kick.

The thing. Monster. See you later. The thing. Monster, brother. And you know what people? I don't know if you know this. Those good things add up, Jack.

Hell yeah. Ten good things. See your fucking leg. The next day you're at that Chinese dude and fucking Lancashem and Hesby. Bro, that if you ever, if you ever in the valley, guys, go to Lancashem and Hesby from 12 to 3, they got a half a half. our shoulders, feet, and calves. You give fucking the guy a fin,

you give him a 10, if you're having a good day. If not give him a small fin, I can give him the 20 spot. 30 minutes is the best. Sometimes after Jiu-Jitza, I can't take it. I'm a fat fuck. I love it, man. I give him the small 20. Yeah.

He rubs my feet. He takes all the blood out of my calves and shit. I'm about to go there fucking right now. He puts your feet in the top. I'm about to piss my pants, so I've got to fucking get out of you. What are you going to? You just got it. You just got it.

10 minutes ago. What's the matter with you? You just got it. We were talking about Joanna. She's the best, man. She's the best, man. What's your next move? You're going on tour.

Where's the tour open up? Starts an Australian Brisbane. Then I'm in Melbourne, Auckland. Then Sydney. Sydney sold out, so they're trying to add another show there. And then June 22nd, I'm in New York, Gotham Comedy Club. and then July 28th, I'm at the Lafactor in Long Beach the night before the big UFC Anaheim

breaking that bitch down. So things are good, man. Good for you, man. Yeah, Tfatkk.com for all that. I'm proud of you're a fucking animal. Now get out of here. I'll close up the show. You're the best, brother.

I love you. I love you, guys, Lee. It's a pleasure to see you. Let's get that story down so we get you on this. It's not happening like a motherfucker. Thank you. You look beautiful.

And that's it, and that's that, Lee. I don't know if you people know this. I don't know if we forgot. to tell you motherfuckers, Tuesday night, me and Lee had a fucking accident. Monday night. Monday night,

I'm sorry. And you're thinking, like, Joy, what type of accent? Listen, man, we ate. Two of those chocolate bars,

two cantaloupe things, and maybe four or five stars apiece. Guys, I've been doing this for fucking years with you guys. You guys witness it every night. I was seen double. Lee,

how many times did I just nod out and falsely? Yeah, for more times than you. usual pretty and like yeah you you were like hey I just sit down on the couch for a little bit I must have drank eight gallons of water I was and I'm taking like this angi fungal medication I'm finally breaking down because I'm putting I don't talk about the fungi toe nail no more you know why because I've been putting a bacon soda on it since January 1st I wanted a bacon soda treatment and guess what the toe is still lurking in there the fungi like I got rid of three quarters of it but

There's still a little fungi lurking. The doctor told me, listen, you can put anything you want on the gasoline. It lives in your body. Do this thing. They did a blood test. I did the fucking five. So I'm on the third day of pills. Let me tell you something.

Those pills knock you to fuck out. They exact your body. You don't know where to fuck you are. So I think because I did those and what we did Monday night. But guys, Lee and I, and how many times have you heard us on here talk about food? We ordered two fucking pizzas at a lot. quarter of one in the morning. First off, I could not drive.

I tell you guys honestly, from the bottom of my heart. I gotta give more props, whether it's the cantaloupe candy, the taffy, the stars of debt, and moon chocolate, you guys were on Friday on that. But you guys will never know how fucked up we were at the night. Yeah,

and I was mildly fucked up, but then, like, I passed out, like, I was worried about you because I, and then, but then after you left, I passed out. I woke up at four in the morning here. Four in the morning you passed out, too.

Yeah, I was just right in my seat. I always, I always worry if, like, someone just walked up and saw, like, all these lights just, like, we passed out. Guys, I'm sorry, yeah, I was fucking gone. But thank you for support. That was nice. I liked that big brown came up tonight. We spoke the other night at the comedy club. I wish him well, guys.

There's a lot of dudes out there in L.A. that fake the funk. And I got to tell you something, this kid's not faking the funk. He works hard. he does get sandwiched in between heat I don't know how the fuck he does it my first couple times if I got sandwiched in between Dane Cook and Joe Rogan I'd run the fuck out of there

so if he's coming to one of your town support him go watch him man the kid's really trying and you can't take that away from anybody that's the type of shit that impresses the shit out of me that he's not doing he's not talking to talk he's walking to walk so I tip my heart out to you

As far as tipping my heart out to you, what do you do when you want to snack, but all you can find is junk food? You rely on your self-control to resist a temptation. That's never going to work. So what do you do? You eat the junk food. You eat the garbage. No more.

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It's that easy. Listen, 50% off of those snacks. Healthy, delicious. They're good for you. I mean, I don't even know what to tell you. The cherry berry bonanza, the mini Belgian waffles, the whole wheat vanilla animal cookies. Are you kidding me or what?

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I want to thank Helix Sleep. And I also want to thank Onit for the supplements, the bats, the steel bats, the kettlebells, the apparel. Me, I live off the supplement. whether it's the new post-energy drink with the coconut flavor to the shroom tech to the alpha brain this is what I'm doing. Hemforce protein. I'm all on it. I'm 54. I need all the help I can get.

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I want to thank you guys for being family. 8.25th, 8.30. Stage number two. The ice house. The workout. I'm starting from scratch. New material, new ideas. 10 bucks. You ended out of there by 9.30, quarter to 10. You can still give the wife a stabbing. Have a great weekend. I love you. Stay black. Uncle Joey always loves you.