The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #484 - Luis J. Gomez

Episode Date: May 25, 2017

Luis J. Gomez, comedian, creator of the Gas Digital Network, and cohost of the "Believe You Me" podcast with UFC Champion Michael Bisping, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/24/2017.
  

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60, 90-day guarantee it don't matter. He'll take that fucking ass of yours and scrub it clean. Hit it, Lee. Out of respect, bitches. The church of what's happening now. Lee Syatt, one of my new favorite people in the world, Mr. Lewis Gomez.

What's up, baby? Kick this meal, Lee. Bong hits. Hugs, whatever the fuck you need. It's the church. what's happening now, bitches. 25th, you bad motherfuckers, Memorial Day weekend, the church.

Are you kidding me or what? You bad motherfuckers. Thank you very much for listen to the church of what's happening now. Lewis Gomez, Lee Syatt. We're here, we're queer. We opened up with all your slave out of respect. Rest in peace tomorrow.

They're going to bury Chris Cornell right down the corner here, so who the fuck knows? Today I was just fucking around, and I had the earphones on, and I just put on one of the old, I put on slaves and bulldozers. And if you leave YouTube on them, working on something else on the computer, just keeps playing songs. And this one came up, and I went to the video, and I just fucking started crying. It was over. Yeah.

You're a big Chris Cornell fan? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big Soundgarden fan. You know, I lived in Seattle. They were like a third of the reason when I moved up there. I was like, how to fuck are these people, even all these bands? in one place. This is,

it was too much, you know. I got to see him up there one time. And I never, I never went to see him again. My friend DeVillo invited me when they went to the 20th year reunion, super unknown at,

uh, where you guys hang out. What's the place upstairs? They do concerts there. Somebody shot a special in New York City. Oh, uh, but, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B,

Name of it. Oh, where Big J did his, right? Yeah, what's the name of that point? Webster Hall. Yes, Webster Hall.

I think it was Webster Hall. So, you know, I always missed out, but I got to see him before they broke up. And it's just weird how, you never understand how people could be like, come to your shows.

Like, you know how you guys have people that come to your shows. And they'll pull your side and they'll go, hey, man, I really like what you do on, skank. You know, legions of skank. It really makes my week or whatever. And they walk away.

and in the back of your mind, you go to your something, the fucking guy's crazy. I was like, what the fuck's he talking about? Right. But then today, when Chris Cornell came on, you know, Cassius Morris had some thing to the other than, and he goes, right, like a song that maybe you relate to. Like, Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath.

When I was 15 and out there running and gunning, and my mom was dead, and I had a horrible fucking thoughts, that song fueled me. I don't know why. Till this day, if I want to get fired up, I listen to Sad Bloody Sabbath, but you're going to get stabbed. Yeah.

Like, I don't even put it in the car because I lose my mind and I do 90. Yeah, that's the really cool thing about music is that... That's what it is.

Whatever you're doing, there's a song or a type of music that you can kind of add to. You can add a soundtrack to it like in your life. Like, if you're working out, I think this is why I think on Pandora,

they should add like a what you're doing option, right? So if I'm working out, if I'm lifting weights, right? That's a, it's different. If I want to listen to nine-inch nails, there's a different nine-inch nails

for working out than there is for, you know, hanging out with my chick in a room, fucking, you know, about to have sex or whatever it is. I don't know who have sex to nine-ish nails. I was going to say you do everything that nine-knows?

Kind of, yeah, I'm nine-inch nailing, however. I wish. I have not been sexed music and 45. I never did that. I never understood it. When I was a kid, I did it to like 18, then I was like, what the fuck?

You don't have sex of music? Yeah. I don't fucking know. I do it. Listen, I come in a minute. I'm by the time I'm fucking I got two minutes to listen to this terrible song I'm listening to you know

That's why you're coming in a minute Because you're focusing too much on the pussy If you're focusing on the music You might be able to fucking go You know 30, 40 minutes, boom You know Louis Gomez, you're a fucking unadulterated genius From time to time I gotta hand it to you

I've heard that You're the last of the real Moheekans How old were you when they blew up Oklahoma? Both of you? Oklahoma City, what year was it? 994, yeah I was six, maybe five, depending on this is 12 12.

12. I was 12 years old. Yeah, wow. I bought this, uh, I got stuck. I was buying coke from this Mexican that called into the podcast, very in the beginning.

Do you remember that Lee? He was my roommate at the halfway house. Right, the, uh, Hispanic dude? Yeah, real cool. I loved Alex with all my hunt. It wasn't Alex's fault. At that time,

if ounces of Coke were like 800 bucks, Alex was getting me ounces before from some Mexican cartel he was in prison with. And the Coke was always fucking tremendous. Like, fucking people called me back, know, where the fuck did you get that? Like, I was thinking of a Coke hangover the other day,

and I go to one Monday when I did like two grams of that stuff. And the next morning I was riding a bicycle to this place called the Delhi Zone in Boulder when it was on in the Valmont. And I'll never forget that I was like, Jesus Christ, I could feel the electricity in my body from the blow. Like, I was that hung over on the Coke, you know? I was getting some great Coke from him. And one time I bought this Coke that was really fucking strong.

So I just kept throwing cut on it. But I ran out of a regular cut. I started throwing vitamins in there, like some type of vitamin. Then the fucking kid came and he got a DUI. So I got stuck with the Coke. And it was the same week that they blew up that fucking tower. And I had, you know how people put black under their eyes to block the sun when they play football? Yeah.

I had two scabs under my nose from the vitamins. Wow. That's how fucking down I was in 94. And I'm sitting in this apartment. I'm watching this fucking stupid coverage on this fucking idiot, these two idiots that bombed this fucking daycare center in Oklahoma. I'm basically fucking broke. I can't describe to you two guys how badly I wanted to be a comedian at that time.

And I was going up every night. You know, I was living in Denver. How many options I had compared to you was going to? I would always have to go to a poetry reading or I would have to drive to Loveland, Colorado. So here I am. It's two in the afternoon. I'm fucking frustrated with my life.

And on top of all this, Louis Gomez, my fucking ex-wife is fucking around with me with this child. The kid's four years old, and I'm having a hard time with it. And every time I call the attorney, it's costing me $400. I can't tell you the part of my life, how fucking frustrated I am at this point.

And I look up this fucking screen on the TV, and I see these towers, and I see these people crying. And I take the fucking remote control, and I'm scrolling. And MTV comes on. And it's these fucking dudes who are, like, doing something with their instruments. And all of a sudden, the guitar player walks up, and he starts strumming the guitar. And I'm looking at this, like, you have to be watching this. Like, this is like a sign from God. And the guy starts belting out lyrics.

and it was fell on black days and he was up to maybe he was singing maybe a minute and I had tears in my eyes I swole up because it was me in the beginning he talked something about you know they reminded me and my daughter at the time

how I had all this joy and it was taken away and fell out in black days he talks about prison but like not prison prison but like when you're mine I'm on I don't know I'm gonna it's on super unknown it's a what song is that

Can you hear that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go to YouTube, go to YouTube, super unknown. No, you just go Soundgarden, fell on Black Days. And I'll show you the video. Show me the computer league. You want to watch the video? Let me just put it up, and I'll show you.

Because this is what came on on the TV. And it was just fucking mind-boggling. Whatsoever I feared has come to life. whatsoever I something became my life just when every day seems to greet me

with a smile the first song up there is completely different than the album though the album was a studio cut listen to this right so right now

I switch and this is what I see and I'm looking at this guy and I'm like I gotta watch this right here that's a great song I'm like what the fuck

and I'm looking at that fucking Japanese Godzilla-looking motherfucker. I'm like, to look like that, that dude's got to be able to play. Kim Thaya, whatever his name is. Look at him. Yeah, this is completely different than the album.

Yeah. This is like a studio, let's just jam at one time. It's so funny, like, rock music was like, there was a few years where it was really simple and kind of like basic. And kind of, it's just,

you almost like, because I played in a band when I was probably from like 15 to, like, 18. and it's like That was right around that time I was probably like You know 8th grade to like you know

12th grade or whatever You know probably around that time Salty Blackflower was the name of my band And we were like really inspired by like You know Especially my singer like you know The Grunge era Nirvana sound garden I like see here's the funny part

I didn't really like grunge Because I grew up on 80s metal Like my sister was a few years older than me So I was always If you have an older sibling You just like whatever the fuck they like That's it You know, they're your influence, you know?

So you don't have an opinion of music when you're fucking seven. You just have whatever's around. And my sister was around listening to, you know, poison, Skid Row, Motley Crew. So my first, like, favorite music, my first two concerts ever were poison concerts on Skinny Bob. Like that, like, I'm a little fucking seven-year-old kid, nine-year-old kid, you know, in this metal concert with everyone's got teased harems, the only brown person there is this little fucking Puerto Rican kid. but the grunge music kind of killed the 80s metal like era like skid row was like my shit like to this day i love skid row like that's like my one of my favorite is the same sebastian bach sebastian bach yeah oh yeah oh yeah good looking dude remember sebastian bach dude came out he was 18

just fucking gorgeous long hair had like the best voice his voice was out of control but those these guys came out nirvana sound garden uh you know all these guys from Seattle, that whole grunge movement, it just wiped it away. And then it became almost comical to look at like the hair metal guys because these guys looked fucking cool. If you're a chick, you

don't want us to go and fuck Brett Michaels with his dumb teased up hair and fucking pink lipstick on if fucking this dude shows up with his, you know, band in his badass jeans and he's just fucking, what? He's got heroin probably. These guys fucking stink. These guys were on fucking, listen

it was them. It was Mother Love Bone and the singer died. And there was a lot of other bands, I don't know. But you just got to run with them, Pearl Jam, and Allison Chains at that time. Pearl Jam, that first album, say what you want to say. Whatever the fuck, it's called, One, whatever. It had like 10 hits on it. Ten hits on it.

Yeah. Every song. It was torture. Then this came out in 94, this last of the year. Allison Chains, fucking dirt. When that came out, people were. were jumping off windows. I held on,

I didn't like any, any band you just named but I did not like it. No, and at first, what do you think? I liked them? I was still stuck on fucking Sabbath

and the iron dry. Yeah, yeah. But when I saw the video to a man in the box, I was gonna tell you something, these dirty motherfuckers want to do something. Yeah.

And then I used to do comedy at giggles in Seattle, in the U. District. And there was this hot, hot, dirty hippie chick. hot I used to trade a blow mushrooms exotic mushrooms

she had bodyota but under arm hair every but she had everything she fucked her no no no no I fucked with the girl with under on her recently

she was Mugumba and I liked that she would tell me if they needed a feature I would tell her go in the green room see if they needed a feature next week

if what's on the board and she would come out and tell me I would tip her but she used to always tell me you like and I go yeah and she goes

this or anything else I go I'll try you know if I could fuck I'll try anything, you know, in that age and how crazy I was. And she's like, if you want, I could take you up to Lance Staley, whatever the singer

was, of Allison Chains, and I get high, and I'm like, what am I going to go up there to watch her? Her suckers dick. Yeah. When she's going to suck a chubby comic's dick or Lance Daly's dick? You know what I'm saying? Like, it's a no-brain.

So I just didn't want to go anywhere where there were needles, and I'd have to get pushed into it. I don't mind doing a line of heroin. If I know you and I come to your house, I do a line of heroin. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. You're fucking. Listen, man. Listen, you come up to me, Lee Syatt, and we're in Manhattan, and you go, we're going to meet Louis Gomez on fucking, we're going to meet Louis Gomez over by the stand. Right, yeah. I was with you at that point. Right now, we're in the lower east side of some skinny white dude comes up to me. He's like, I got number two.

The pencil? No, number two heroin, Mike. I got it for $20. I'd just give them $20 and take it, even though I'm not going to shoot it. Just to have the option. Just to have the option. You don't know who you're going to run into that night

that might say, you have some heroin. And I'll take a little fucking spoon of it. You won't even know. You won't even know I'm doing it. I'll just take a little spoon. If it's like a little bit of paddle like this, I'll do the smallest amount of it. You never inject it now.

There's nothing really to snort. You just put your finger on and go, and that's it. You feel a little dizzy for a while. Well, but once you grew up, it's like eating a viking. It's like eating, you know what I'm saying? Oh, if you do it that way, it sounds just, it's safe. I'm not telling you I'm coming over your house and I'm going to pop a syringe.

That's crazy. That's not happening. That's not happening. A little bit of heroin on the tip of the pinky. Oh, my God. No, it wouldn't. It would change your fucking life. It probably wouldn't, truthfully.

And you put some on the head of your dick and on the head of your pinky and you do it in your nose and you put a little bit on the helmet by the Pohoh. No. That gets nice and red. Oh, that's yummy. Your girlfriend will have a guy. sister and go, listen, you gotta come down here. You gotta catch this dick, and you better wake mom up.

This is the dick people been looking for. It's just big and red, and you put a tattoo of a spider on there, some shit. Women will flock to your house to suck that heroin cock. It's like a submarine, you know what I'm saying? I've never, that's like the one drug, because my mom was a heroin addict. Yeah, so you see it from a different perspective. I just, you know, I have an ex-girlfriend who

was a heroin addict. Like, it's just kind of crazy. I would never, it's kind of a scary. It's kind of a scary thing. It almost, you know, it reminds me of like, like, just the, the same danger that I felt the first time I ever held a gun, you know, because if you don't, if you never shot a gun before, it's like, it's an intimidate. It's real. It's a very powerful feeling. Yeah. And when you, you get used to, I think actually, I think they should give like younger people lessons to know what they're doing with that. Just, you know, you never know what's going to happen. If you need to handle a gun and, you know, for your own safety, not even to kill somebody with it. It's not to

shoot yourself in the stomach or shoot your body because you don't know how to take it off safety or whatever, right? But that same danger that I felt when I've seen people do heroin or I've seen it around with they'll pull out a bag or whatever, that same type of danger that I felt the first time I held a gun is that. And I'm like, I can't even. And if I any, none of my friends, you know, literally nobody that I know like openly would just do heroin.

Like I don't. But I think it's a different time in comedy now too. Because people don't really openly do Coke the way that they used to. No, no, no, no, no. It is very behind us. And I'm very proud of that. Yeah. I'm very happy that.

Well, it's a business now. Comedians are not thinking this is the fucking, you know, when I came up, I was paying attention to Pryor, and I was paying attention to Kenneth, and I liked the stories. Yeah. That gave me the green light. It's rock and roll. Like a fucking asshole than I was with drugs at the store and shit like that. It gave me the green light. But if somebody came up to me, bro, if you're a comic, stick with the fucking reefer.

You know, I have a refer. You want a couple beers. Anything else? When you get fucked up, the comedy world knows about it. Of course. Well, that's the other thing is they, I think because everyone's on Facebook and Twitter and everyone, it feels like everything's very naked. Like as soon as somebody, whatever it is, you know, fucking, somebody beat somebody in a roast battle or somebody gets into an argument in the comedy scene. It just travels very fast.

So I feel like people aren't as willing to openly come out and go, oh, yeah, I do blow. Because even if people aren't going to go and tweet that or put it on social media, people still kind of feel that there's not the same sense of secrecy that there was, you know, years ago. I saw comedy almost 13 years ago. So even in that time, it just jumped. It's a very open scene in everybody talks. Well, I grow very, very in the suburbs. So to me, anyone talking about Coke is out as strange to me. Like, it is imprinted in my brain.

But, like, I know people who do Coke. I don't think I probably know somebody who's done heroin, but I don't know anybody. but I don't know anybody who like actively does heroin you know like I know you've done it Joey a couple times But like you know I feel like coke even though people don't it's not like weed How it's all how it's accepted but I think coke is more accepted than heroin yeah it's more accepted than heroin It's none of us accepted anymore not in this society It's not open you don't go to a club and somebody goes so if you want to use the bathroom there's a mirror

Those days are over with those days are a long gone I think it is in LA I think there's no I went when I went to New York in 93. I was in shock. I went on a date and I went to a club and I wanted a thing to take a package out. The guy goes, don't even think about it. Don't even fucking think about it. I go, bro, I used to do, I was 10 years ago and I'm like, really? Yeah, no. That's not accepted in New York by any means.

Probably five or six years ago I got kicked out of a bar because I was sitting on a a toilet facing the opposite direction. Okay, like straddling the toilet. And the guy thought I was doing Coke I was rolling a blunt actually And I just happened to be sitting that way But I guess from his angle You know whatever it was

You know his security guard And they kicked me out Very aggressively Did you have your pants on? Yeah, I had my pants on. Okay Well imagine if my pants were down What a weird position

To be sitting on the toilet Nobody straddles it that way That's what I was gonna say I thought I was gonna be your cover Yeah Yeah well that was probably the bad The move When I was doing Coke

I knew You knew That I was doing Coke but because the type of person I was you weren't going to say nothing to me I would talk about on stage so you had nowhere to go with it right when I when people started telling me there's a room as you do call I said fuck it I shut these bitches down I'll just be open well that's how you fucking own it

and that was it anything and nobody ever really approached me that's brilliant every once in a long Rogan would say something to me on a plane I would go drop it bro not even talk about it that's my fucking problem And that was it nobody ever really You just assumed Well nobody That's doing coke regularly Is going like it's not a problem

Anybody's doing coke regularly Oh no it's a problem It's a problem It's a problem Anything that you're doing regular like that Is a fucking problem It already becomes A problem

Even weed for me Yeah I smoke weed every day It's a problem It's a problem If I Here's when it's not a problem If you truly don't need to If you can go a few days

I'm like I'm going to get a few days off Just to relax you know, get my head straight and going to write some shit, whatever. And it's not a thing at all for you. I don't think weed's a problem. But for me to take one day off even. If I had like, I was like, I'm not going to smoke weed. I got an audition.

I really want to focus. That's a big problem. I am in a state where I go, if I have an audition, I have to smoke weed so I feel more like myself. You know? And I think that's not good. That's like true. I liked all that stuff.

I could go without like that. I like that. I'm a fan of all the things you just said. Yeah. No, no, no. Listen, you know how many times. I've got an audition. As insecure as this sounds.

As insecure as this sounds. You call me, you go, I have an audition. You send me the audition. I download it. I print the pages. It's four pages. I look at the two scenes. I look at it again.

I look at it again. Now I take those two pages. I put them aside. And I go to my notebook. You put weed in them. You roll it up. You smoke them. I write the day of the audition,

the time, the casting director of the director. I even write, I even IMDB, the director, and see what style of movies he's done before. I do all that work. And then I take the two scenes and I break them down sober. Then I disappear for an hour. You know what I'm saying?

And you think about what's going on. And then you burn a fucking good one. Like you actually go get a new batch of weed. Even though you've got a batch there, go get a new batch. And you go get that and bring that home. Now you smoke it and you start saying the audition out loud in the room and you can see the color. And then start acting it out.

What would you do when you walk in the room? You're just not going to walk in the room and go, Joey, wake up. You don't turn the line on. Hit the switch. Live the fucking whole thing. Because that's when you go to audition and you fuck them up. When you start flipping switches and bending over. And capturing that, and they're like, oh, this motherfucker thing to work.

Almost like, is not even just the weed? I think what that is is just changing whatever variable it is, right? Because I did this the other day. You know, I did that roast battle show, and I had to memorize my jokes. And I went in the steam room. and I just had them all written out and I memorized my jokes in the seam room and because it was getting hot

and sweating and it's kind of hard to concentrate I feel like it made me memorize my jokes number one differently I was looking at them different I wasn't like you know what I'm saying like it really I was also high too so but it was also like I just feel like you're kind of just changing something

people do like you know people do naked shows in comedy right where they get naked and do their jokes some people think it's stupid I think it's kind of an interesting thing because if you're doing your jokes and there's this extreme thing where you're super self-conscious,

embarrassed, whatever it is, and you still go up and you're trying to kill, there's something interesting about that exercise. There's something interesting about kind of like challenging yourself and also performing your jokes in that way,

you're never going to go that far. You know what I'm saying? You're never going to get that experience. So who knows where you're going to go with that joke or something you might say that you would never say in a million years. So I think it can be valuable. I thought it was crazy.

I never looked at it from that. I always told it was crazy. It is kind of crazy. I wouldn't do it. If I had a big dick, I'd do it. No, listen, I'd do it with a little dick. That's where you get more action. No.

Little dick motherfuckers, and they take that pencil. That's when they get action because the chicks feel bad for you. So they'll try to suck that thing big. And they'll realize that's just a fucking old folks tale. No. That's not true. This is not true. Who would go to see nude comedy unless you were going to support somebody?

But us three in the room would not go see nude comedy. We're creeps. Unless one of the chicks was bad. banging on that. And we're just going to sit there and salivate them out and then go up to her afternoon tell her how great she was. We're doing a naked roast battle.

We combine the two hottest shows, the naked show and the roast battle at Skank Fest, the comedy festival we run that I tried so hard to get Joey Diaz to come out to. So fucking hard. The hardest man in the world of the book for a New York show. It's a naked roast battle. Oh my God.

Yeah, yeah. But people, dude, it was the hottest we did last year. It was fucking crazy. We had some hot chicks on it this year. but some people are not good looking at all. But it's like, I'm telling you, it's not as,

it's not as weird as you think, man. The reason it's packed out, it's going to be like crazy packed. But that side of it goes away very quickly. The sexual side of it, it's like you're really watching them for like the embarrassment. You're almost on the edge of your seat waiting to see what happens.

And it was pretty cool. Everyone's very respectful. Nobody takes pictures. Like we have a rule where you can't take out your phone or anything. But yeah, it's pretty cool. I think you dig it. bad. I think you, I think, I think, we had, Ari Sheffir. He judged it last year. He was doing it again this year, completely naked, completely naked. Earl Skakel's coming out to judge it, completely naked, Bronson Jones. These guys are all got big dicks, though. So that's it. I mean, I, I, that's really what it comes down to. If you got a big dick, boom, or hilariously tiny dick. But if you have an average size dick or a slightly below average size dick like me, no. It's not going to work. It looks like a, it looks like a big toe, my dick, when it's not hard. Yeah, it's a shower, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what, you're supposed to do.

It just sinks it and it's going to sink into my body. Like, it's just going to slowly protrude and turn into a pussy. I'm telling you, when you're embarrassed, oh. And you're in front of people. It's not like you don't want to, like, you don't want to, like, you don't want to, no, you're not boning up. There's no way. There's nothing sexual about it.

So there's no way, I'm going to get boned up and keep it semi-erect. No. If you're embarrassed, fuck that. Is there a rule, like, don't talk about, well, obviously for the, for the, for the roast, maybe there isn't, but for the comedy, like, I would think everyone would be talking about being naked, it might get a little bit, do people, like, try to do their regular jokes? I guess.

I don't know. I only saw it once, and it was to see Hot Chicks, but I'm sure other people. It's so crazy how, the only thing I'm interested in is stand-up comedy. Yeah. Like, it's so short-sighted. It's so, like, it's so unlike me, but that's all I ever want to do. Yeah. Like, I remember when they'd invite me to do Latino comedy, I needed the $50.

I would do the show, but it really bothered me. Like, why can't we just do comedy? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because we got six picks on the fucking line up or whatever. All those type of things always. I went somewhere one night, and they were doing a show, and they asked me to go up.

And then after every joke, they played a horn. I was ready to take that horn and fucking light on fucking fire. You know what I'm one of those guys. It's stupid, yeah, yeah. Let me just do my 10 minutes. And then you can do whatever you want. I don't like, uh, there's just a lot of things. And they're very interesting ideas.

and I understand where they're coming from. I just want to do what I'm going to stand up. I can never roast anybody. I could, but I don't want to. No, you don't want to. But here's the thing you don't, though. It's so fucking weird how I don't want. I'm interested.

You do this podcast. So it's the same shit. Technically, look at all this, right? It's just changing some of the variables, changing some of the parameters. It's just another form of whatever your comedy is. You put it in whatever vessel or vehicle. If you went for a roast, it's Joey Diaz.

If you do a podcast, it's Joey Diaz. If you're fucking sitting in a car, smoking a blow with your boy, talking Joey Diaz, stand up, boom, same thing. They book you on roles because it's you. You know what I'm saying? You get cast it because it's you. You know what I'm saying? So all of your comedy always goes into that.

So in my opinion, I'm going like, all of these things are just kind of practice for the industry. Somebody's going to tell you to write in a TV show one day, and you got to take your form of comedy and put it into this other vehicle. Maybe you're not comfortable doing that. So you do a roast battle, you do some fucking stupid shows, some, you know, specialty shows. brand new, you know, read from a newspaper,

come up with a joke on the spot or whatever. I think it's also exercising a muscle. It's so weird how bad I am. Yeah. But you don't need to. You're a fucking headliner. You know, you know. No, no, no, it doesn't matter.

You know, I did a, what's his name? What's the photographer? Troy Conrad has a show. Set list. The set list. Oh, I ate a bag of dick. A bag of dick. Is that all brand new jokes?

I don't know what it is. It's like they throw a topic at you. I thought it was the one with the screen behind you, right? I don't know. I don't know. I don't want to remember. You just showed up to me. It just doesn't interest.

It's a really popular show. I just want to do stand-up comedy. Go check it out, Joey will not be there. I want to do my 15 minutes and go home. If you're playing a flute and all that shit, I'm not in. If you got a horn or an MC that's a midget and that's your novelty. One of the ones I saw you at once was a burlesque one with like the naked women running around backstage. And you freak out of a little.

They do not. need to, and I don't want to hate, because I know there's a lot of shows that do this, but it's a problem. They do these burlesque slash comedy shows, and I think the ones that are successful are all female, because I know somebody in New York who does one with all females and all female comedians, and they kind of have like a code where you don't make fun of the burlesque chicks, right? But I did one where it was like, they just mix in regular comics that didn't, they were

showing up for a fucking gig, and then these burlesque chicks were showing up for a gig, and, you know, we're just fucking assholes. So all comics are just making jokes about these chicks. These burleses chicks, they're very serious about what they do as like an art. Like, you know, we're just fucking calling them hookers, basically, and just having no respect for what they do. And we were wrong technically, but, I mean, they were not happy. They, like, went out.

They were, like, really, like, it was like a whole thing. You can't combine those worlds. Or at the very least, if you're going to do that, everybody's got to be aware. They do that at bar shows a lot where it's like somebody will book a bar show, and there'll be people at the bar show just hanging out. Like just watching a game or whatever, having some beers with their friends. And then 8 o'clock hits, boom.

And they turn off the TVs. And then they drop some shitty comedy show on them. And then you're interrupting their life. Like, this is where they go every day after work. And then all of a sudden this is this new comedy show. And then, boom, you got to fucking be dropped into their world. Now, let me tell you one thing. Now, if you come to me and you go, Joey, let me talk to you.

I got this spot in the Bronx. I got 12 dancers all over the 10. it's 50 to get in they're all banging it's a strip club all nude I need for you to do 15 minutes pick up the small 250 would you do me the favor yes

you want why because Lenny Bruce did strip clubs so I'm always open the strip club I don't mind a strip club and guess what don't invite me to one that serves steak or lobster I want to smell the fucking yeast infection

as I come through the door because that's where I fit in Yeah. If you invite me to the one with the stakes and the cabaret, it's not the same. It's two different types of people, Joey. I know what the fuck. I know what the fuck. I know what the fuck.

I know what the fuck. I know what the fuck. I know what I came to me and said, Joe, I got a brilliant idea. I got a guy over at fucking whatever. He'll give you this amount of money. I got this strip club. It's called the cave. It's in the Bronx and the buggy down.

They got a German shepherd from security guard. You know. You know, and I know already what you're saying to me. Joey, you would kill at this room. come down, I would tape a fucking HBO special. Yeah. With chicks behind me dancing, fucking putting bottles in their pussy. And I just look straight ahead and keep fucking throwing, throwing, throwing.

Yeah. I believe in that shit. Just C-section scars in their body, a little bit overweight. Yeah. No, no, no, I want them to be banging. Well, here's a thing, right? Maybe one could be shot. One got shot.

She lost the fucking finger. I don't mind like a Japanese one. There's two different types of people, right? So there's the people that will go, and this is Lee, and this is not enough, this is your better personally, so don't take this offensively. You're the type of people that'll be like, hey, let's go to a strip club, right? And Lee's the type

of guy that's going to bring, he's going to look up on Google what's the best strip club, like, where's the nicest place to go. He's going to have a dress code. It's going to have a dress code. It's going to be nice. He'll yelp it. Definitely yelp it.

Make sure it's got actually, yeah, of course. Make sure that the party is fine. They're going to have a reservation. You know, and it's going to be amazing. It's going to be this really incredible experience. It's going to be a bachelor party. Unreal. Everyone's going to have their nice clothes on. It's going to be unreal. Me and you, it's like, I'm going to say, Joe, you want to go to a strip club?

You're like, all right, cool. Me and you are going to, we're not going to tell anybody that we're going there because we're not proud of this. We're not bringing our friends. We're not bringing a big group of people. And it's going to be an hour out of New York City. It's going to be in a borough, like, deep in Brooklyn. And it's going to be all black and Puerto Rican chicks. It's going to be fucking hardcore ghetto. And those bitches will fuck you for $40. And that's the type of strip club that we go to. With 200 people and the,

audience and you do a comedy show, they would go fucking crazy. And let me tell you something, Lee, when you go to that place, the silver or whatever, and you have the steak and the lobster, and when you see one of your fucking idiotic buddies and he'll go, hi, Lee,

and you're like, hi, hi, Stan. And next time you're with your wife and you're walking at a farmer's market, that's the type motherfucker that'll come to you and go, we had such a great time that night right in front of your wife. When I see you in a strip club, the type of me and my boy talking about,

I could see you getting your dick suck The next time I see you at Christmas I won't even mention it You know what I'm saying? Like you won't even mention it You don't even have to come with me And go Joey that night You saw me fucking that chick without a condom in the ass

You didn't say nothing It's understood Outside those walls we don't say nothing Because we got a mutual respect Those are different places Yeah the type of strip club You go to your wife would be okay with you going As long as you promise

And not get a lap dance I just sit there and watch no wife would ever approve of the strip clubs they were talking about. There was a place called Sweet Cherries in Brooklyn that was like just fucking a problem. Or was it cherry? I think it was sweet cherries, yeah.

This place was like legitimately like everyone had a gun. It was crazy, but the girls would give you a hand job for $20. You go get a lap dance for $10 in the back. They're just going to jerk you off for $20. Let me ask you guys a question. If tonight, I got my car. And I went for a ride. and I go, I'm kind of thirsty.

Let me go to 7-Eleven. And I went to 7-Eleven, and I was there, I said, you know what, I'm a little energetic today. Let me go over here, the deja vu, 52, a good-looking one, three fat ones. Let me go over there and see what's going on. I stop at the ATM, I take out a deuce.

If I walk in there and I get one lap dance, because that's what I usually would do, I go to a strip club, I'll get one lap dance, I'll put a couple dollars in a string, the best-looking one, I don't even play with it. I know that she's up there naked and she's got a kid somewhere.

Let me go give her a friend just to make her night. That's it. Once I get in my car, it's never repeated again. I don't even tell Lee. I don't know why any people go home and tell their wife they do anything. No. I don't volunteer no information to nobody. No paper trail.

You don't talk about it. You don't say shit. I don't know nothing. I grew up being a cheater on women. And as long as you don't talk, there's no cheating. Shut the fuck up. You didn't say nothing. That's it.

There's no cheating. I didn't get my dick suck. I went, I saw a chick dance, I put a fin in the other one's thing, and I got a lap dance from one, and I kept my fingers to my side, and I came in my pants. Nobody fucking cheat.

I get in my car, take a tissue, I wipe my helmet, I throw it out the car door, I litter, fuck the Indian with the tear in his eye. I make a U-turn, and I go home. Why would you go home and go? I went to a chick-law with joy. Shut the fuck up. You don't know nothing.

Where'd you go? We went for a red. Where'd you go for a right? What are you the fucking school, paper. A ride. I don't know. He was talking. We're talking. You're giving her ammunition for the future where she will hold. She just puts

in a little bank. And you assholes that tell your girlfriends you're going to Vegas with your buddies, his boys night out, I should shoot you. If I had the balls, I would line you up against the wall and shoot you. If you're going to have a boy's night out, don't tell her. And then you're going to break up

walls and go to Vegas. And she's going to come back at you when you're home one time and go, guess what we're doing? We're having an Atlantic City. girls night out. And you see it's not gonna fucking feel too good. So shut the fuck up. Yeah, can I say the problem? Yeah. What is it? Social media, man. Somebody's gonna take a picture. No, nobody takes pictures.

And my crew, nobody takes pictures. No, nobody takes pictures. No, no. But there's leasing your crew, man. Leaves out there taking pictures. I'm telling you. He knows better to take a camera and take a picture. No, there's some people, like Dean Dalry, I got to tell him right off the bat. Dean Dalway hasn't even said hello to you. And he's turning around and taking a picture. I don't know fucking pictures. I don't know pictures. I know you. Stop with the fucking pictures.

I just saw you. You're right here. We need a picture for. You know what I'm off? I'm off the clock. Get the fuck out of here. The fucking camera and want to take fucking pictures.

No, there's no pictures. Why? We really, it's a culture of obsessed for taking pictures. Because that's how they were... When I went back to shoot the documentary Italy, I told Lee, not to put the camera away.

But I also told Lee that people were going to tell them to put the fucking camera away. I know where I grew up. We weren't there 15 minutes, and somebody told me, put the fucking camera down. Why is that camera? You know, I come from a society we didn't take pictures. Yeah.

You can't find the picture of me when I was 15 or 16 or 17 or 18. They didn't take pictures. Yeah, there's a handful. We snorting tons of blow and there's no pictures. Yeah. I know a thousand parties I went. There's no cameras. Nobody came out with a Kodak.

I went to the, uh, the bunny ranch in, uh, Reno. Is that where's that? I think right outside of Reno. because we did a podcast thing there. They're like, we were at, we were for, you know, the guy who owns it, his birthday party, we're doing, like, podcasts and interviewing people and shit. So, uh, yeah, dude, I was like, there was,

I took out my camera for a second, or not my camera, my phone to, like, send a text message. And this girl comes and sits in my lap, and she goes, take a, oh, yeah, fuck, yeah, a couple more stars of death, guys. Ready to set the record? I already, I thought I set the record already, well. What is it? I'm at 24.

I'm at 24 right now. You might as well go for broke and let these motherfuckers know. Nobody comes into Lee's territory and breaks his record. You understand me? What's Lee's record? 26. What is this right now? Got two and five.

That's seven. Two and five? The seven? That's not much. He's killing me right now, Joey. Yeah, no, no. I don't want you to go down. You have a show than that?

I want you to believe me. I'm with fun. I told you right now. Last time you didn't believe me, I'm very limited. I'll take a bonghead. Whatever you want. I'm not fucking. I'm telling you.

We'll give me the savage. Here, do the savage of death. I love it. But no, the girl sits down on my lap and she goes, she goes, take a picture. She literally told me to take a picture. She's a prostitute. I was like, what?

I was like, I take a picture. She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you talking about? Those girls out there, because it's legal, their whole game is social media. Their pictures, they have profiles on the website. It's crazy. It's such a weird thing when you go to that situation where it's legal.

It reminds me when I was in Amsterdam Or I guess not even It's so funny because I fucking In Cali it's like legal now It's kind of that way in Cali now If you come back from Cali to New York City You go from smoking weed You know very freely and very like whatever

Everyone just does it To going back to New York City And feeling like a fucking criminal And that's how it was with like prostitution out there Like everybody's very They kind of like laugh about it They're kind of open about it You know

I don't go Have you ever been into Thailand or anything like that to do it because there's people who travel now just for that just to go to prostitutes yeah no well arsia severe if you go to if you go to thailand's because you're looking for little six-year-old boys no they have girls there too no yeah six-year-old fucking girls no oh god you know uh like i said i've never been a big picture guy all right you know after the show you really really really want to go out after every show and every fucking city i'd really really like to go out and get a beer But you know why I can't?

Because they wouldn't stop with the fucking pictures all night. And that just gets annoying. What we do on stage and shit, that's one thing. You came to the show, you waited around, we took pictures. Once I go to the bar, and I did two shows, that's it. And people will keep coming back. The same people. I just met him.

He loves the... What are you advertising for fucking pictures for? I don't need you advertising for fucking pictures. Come take a fucking picture. Like I'm a fucking carnival ride. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I can't go out. I can't go eat.

You go to a dinah, you eat. I don't want to bother you while you're eating. No, but then why the fuck you bother me? I wish Joey Diaz, I wish the 17-18-old Joey Diaz could hear the problems. Oh, no. Listen, this is no problems. I just want to explain the people. I would love to go to a bar afterward, but there's always that one fucking family.

I won't leave me alone with the fucking camera. Yeah. You know, they won't leave you alone. I'm not good with drunk people. Yeah. Either my. I'm not good with drunk people, so I don't know how to act anymore. That's why I avoid it because it's not, you know, you're drunk.

You take it wrong when I go, listen, enough with the fucking pictures. Yeah. Because that comes the point I'll look at you. I mean, even if you're sober, that's... Yeah, enough with the pictures, don't. Take a fucking hike. All right. And they just look at you, like, but they have to feel it.

Like, come on. You get 10 fucking pictures. I'm really bad as well because I'm so appreciative of people that want to take pictures. Oh, no. I'm appreciative. Bro, I'll hang out for fucking hours. No, no, no, but that's a problem, though. Like, you get it on a higher level.

You know, you have a very, very large fan base, so I'm sure it's, like, you know, frustrating. After a comedy, you know, hanging out of the comedy store. No, no, no, no. It's not frustrated. Listen, I learned early on that you got to take pictures for people. They paid, they came to your show. That's not the fucking point.

Right. There's a time and place for everything in life. Yeah. There's a time and a place for every one. I just feel very awkward. Like, if somebody asked me for a picture, even if they're being annoying, about it.

Even, do I have people to do this. No, I take the picture with him. No, no, but I wish like I could go, you know what I'm eating right now, my family. Yeah. Although that's a little way. I would say, if I was with my son, I would definitely say that. Sometimes I don't even say it. I feel bad for them for not knowing.

Oh, yeah. That's crazy. You don't fucking know. Yeah, if I'm on my kid, don't come up to me. My son's mother got, I had to stop putting pictures of my son on Instagram because somebody came up to my son's mother. She was on the subway platform, and she came up to him and was like, oh my god I love your son

and she was like what she was yeah yeah James and she knew his name and then it was a chick and she wasn't like meaning any harm by it but she was just like you know and my son's mother called me up she's like I have people fucking recognizing my kid don't put pictures of I put them up on Facebook because it's a limited

group it's a you know it's a closed group of people but yeah it's a weird thing you know that's where people should understand like that should be a and it didn't it shouldn't have to be even be spoken but should be on spoken role if somebody's with their family or the child. Well,

there's a lot of little things. You drop the comic there. I am fucking thankful that I'm at this age. I'm still doing comedy. I'm more thankful than most people because I know where I came from. I was in a fucking hole,

so I appreciate it. Anything. Everything. The only problem I have. And today, I bumped into three. I bump into people all the fucking time from the podcast.

and they're really fucking dynamite. It really is. No matter where the fuck you go, you bump into two people that'll come up to your cake quick. I mean, it's crazy. You'll see it. You see it?

You see it. It's crazy. But it's during the shows, it's when it gets hectic. Like, I don't sell T-shirts. You know what I don't sell T-shirts? So you come talk to me. I don't want you to go,

I don't have the 20 for the T-shirts. I don't sell T-shirts. I want you to come talking. It's awkward, yeah. Especially if you listen to me. the church. Yeah. I really want you to come over, and I take the picture of you, the whole thing.

But then there's people that, while the line is thinning, they'll come back. Can I take another picture of my girlfriend that would then come out? Okay, okay, chink, ching, okay, then they leave. Then the line is standing, and they come back. And this time they come back with another couple, and they want individual pictures and a full picture with the other couple. You know, you just go, and they're not quick about Lissan. No.

Oh, and then they didn't want to tell you a joke, or he's drunk, and he grabs you by the neck. Tell Joe Rogan to come to me. I'm going to go home and tell Joe Rogan, get your life together. By the time like tomorrow morning comes, I forgot. Whatever the fuck you said to me about Joe Rogan or Dennis DeMellis, you know, it's just really super. There's people who come to me and tell Joe Rogan that this is a cool place. I always tell anybody if I go to a cool place, I'll tell you, man, that magic bus, magic bag in Michigan is cool. and that place in Milwaukee

do the podcast that's cool too the Pabstam, the Pabston the little one the Turner Hall ballroom those are cool little places around the country man there's great clubs

I have no problems with none of them it's just certain things that sometimes like if I go to a 7-Eleven and there's 20 people on the line there's people who take their camera and just grab me

and put the camera up what the fuck if I just grabbed you Louis Gomez what would you do to me as a human being Lee if I just grabbed your shoulder and pulled you towards me

Tiss you Lee would probably fucking punch me in the face and you would need me in the balls you can't do that to people I accept that and I'm sure there's a difference for people who like if people recognize you from movies

so now I go up to the line and now he just embarrassed this shit out of me in front of the whole line of people and now He's telling people. Nah, he's the guy with Joe Rogan, and he also was in the Sopranos.

I was never in the fucking Sopranos. And now they start fucking, now I got eight people in the line who want to take fucking pictures. He's in the Sopranos. Oh, my God. You're going to say? It's fucking crazy. It's fucking crazy.

I love. Hachshag Sopranos. Oh, when they come up to me, and they go, we love you on the Sopranos. There's times I play them. Yeah. Depending on who they are and how many they are. Sometimes I run for fucking an hour with him.

Yeah. Yeah, I did the soprano for 18 years, you know, whatever. I just fuck with them. I was with him one time where he's told the people, no, I wasn't. And they refused to believe. They're like, come on, you can just tell we're not going to bother you. We were nice guys. He's like, guys, I wasn't in this.

And eventually you just took the picture because they refused to believe. They were trying to get over on them. That's funny. I remember one time at Sony. I was shooting Spider-Man, too. and I'm outside this fucking if they run out of trailers and Sony they have this in the middle

they have hotels you don't know their hotels on the outside they're like dressing rooms but they're tremendous to the size of this they got a couch they got a screen they got a phone you know air conditioning and you just go in there they got a thing to hang your fucking clothes no bathroom you got to go in the hallway

but I remember one time standing in front of there smoking dope and they were doing a tour at Sony down on Culver City they were doing a tour of COVID City and dug these people on the little trains, you know? Like when they take it, you'll see the little trains and people like, wow, this

is beautiful and awesome. I saw this couple go like this, bro. They just looked at me and they locked on and all sent the wall. Stopped them. You know what I'm saying? That was it. You give them six seconds. These motherfuckers jumped off the train.

And came running at me going, big pussy. Big pussy. The people, the fucking guy in the train is going to get back on the train get back on the train, get part of a tour there's a violation, get back on the train they're like, hold on, hold on, this is big pussy. I go, no, no, no, no. I'm Joey Diaz. I'm a comedian.

Bro. They would not fucking stop. They were relentless. But, and I've told this on the show before, the best one ever was I was coming home from wrestles. Yeah, Jersey. West Orange. No.

to shore. And that night, I found where my buddy's stash was. I would stay with him for the weekend. Me and him had a deal. I would stay with him for the weekend. He would give me a little bit of blow and shit like that, but he was a tight watt.

I knew he had like an ounce of his room. He had this room one day. He had this big rock of Coke, and I took this fucking chunk of it. A fucking chunk. And I hit it in the garage. And I fucking... And his mother made chicken colors,

which are my all-time favorite. Yeah. With cream corn. and mashed potatoes, stop. We're dipped in flour and bread crumbs. That wasn't enough for you, Joe. You still take his rock.

Oh, I had to take his rock. He was a... This guy has done. I'm still getting bills. I just got a $17,000 bill for... He put my name under that thing when you go through the city. But gas pass.

Oh, yeah? And I owe him 17 grand. Like, I got a fucking letter. My wife went fucking bananas like a month ago. Oh, he did it again? He did it again. He took my... Because you took that rock?

No, this was please. He took... He took the identity way back to the rock. The rock was the least of his problems. Yeah. No, that was his thought process. He was like, you ate my mom's chicken. I ran with him. No, I would stay at his house because I cut a deal with him.

I grew up with them. I was kids when I met them. And on Friday night, I was to take his truck. I would fly back and I'd do rascals and we'd hang out. I'd work with him. I'd help him fucking deliver fish and shit. He'd give me a couple hundred. I loved him, even if he didn't give me money.

You know what I would still do it. I liked it. you go up the full and fish marketing shit we get bacon, ham and egg on a fucking roll, in New York, a fourth third in the morning. Do they do that in California? Bacon, egg and cheese on a roll? With ketchup? Please. Go shoot yourself. You got a better chance of

fucking fucking... They do it? No, no. They don't... You know the way I'm talking about it. You know, the way I'm talking about it. On that Kaiser fucking bun and whatever it is. No, no. They don't even... Three over easy eggs. They always overcook them too much? Yeah, no, they won't do them. Some fucking American cheese.

They don't even understand. Some bacon. They'll give it to you and the fucking yoke. the white will still be soft. Come on. And you're biting it. Yeah, yeah. They used to be one place because we trained the fucking guy.

The sunset grill. The sunset grill. You fucking stood up forever. I'm going to tell you who trained them. Let me tell you who trained them? Buffy's boyfriend and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now he's still on TV. He looks like Steve Runner's Easy.

He's on that show now with the chick cop on TNT. They've been on for 10 years. The kid's got to be a gazillion. He's from Philly. Yeah. And he used to go in there. One day he went in there, he's telling the guy. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

You got to whip the egg good, American cheese all week. Put a slice of tomato on that motherfucker. Some ham. Put some butter. Put some ketchup. Yeah. fry up the fucking buns. He had the guy trained. Rissant. Sometimes you open the fucking little bag croissant.

I like to be high class. Yeah. If you want to be high class one day. went to this fucking spot the griddle, the griddle the griddle. On sunset. Yeah, they fucking kill you.

Wow. That's a big breakfast. That place was banging. Did you get the French toast or something like that? I tried it, but I got the healthier shit. I got a fucking bowl of meat and eggs. I'm back on the diet.

That's why they give you like potatoes there. Yeah, but I tell them to hold the potatoes. Yeah, no, no, obviously. You've been there, though. No, I haven't really done anything. I haven't been to the apple pan or anything. You don't need to go to the apple pan. Take your wife to this fucking place for breakfast one day.

It's ridiculous. Leave here at 8 in the morning and stop being a jerk. Will there be a line? Yes. Not if you go out 8 in the morning. Or not during the week, probably. No, not during the week. No, no, not even on the Saturday.

These people go out in front. Those type of people go to art shows on Friday. That place used to be dead. The Lindsay Lohan went in there one day before her trial. And that place started getting packed. That place gets fucking packed. And I like it. I like it.

I love it. I just don't have the patience to wait. But if you set the counter, there's always a spot. I would let, like, if you're grading it on, like, a 10-point system for food, I would lose two or three points in quality of food for a quieter restaurant that I don't have to deal with people being around me, bumping into shit, waiting for food. I love great food, but I also, I hate crowds. Right.

No, no, no, no. I don't like drama. Yeah. I was at lunch today. It was not busy. It was three tables, you know, quality. quiet, very classy place. It was a hotel.

It was a Beverly Hilton. My buddy was staying there. And we're sitting there. And for no reason at all, there's a speaker right there. They just start blaring like jazz music. Yeah, you want to fucking break the speaker. We're just having a conversation.

Everyone's having a good time. Nobody's complaining about it. But that type of chaos, when I'm eating and I'm having, this is what I hate, because I don't know if they do this here, but in New York City, jazz brunch is huge.

So it's like they have like a live jazz band in the restaurant. It's a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare. They're playing, it's a drum set. Joey, he's playing drums while you're trying to eat breakfast. Imagine that. Imagine that there's a drummer this far from you

fucking doing drum rolls. I bought a gospel fucking brunch. When people were jumping up and down. At the blues or something? Yeah, I did it one time. I wanted to shoot myself. Because once I eat, I don't want to dilly dally. If you think I'm going to talk to you, all the people, I was just telling you guys

I don't like going out but I do like going out You know why I can't go on today Because everywhere I go I got to yell and I'm deaf I can't talk over music all night Those days are over I don't want to hear pool balls

I don't want to walk around People playing darts I don't want to know Darts flying by your head We're trying to eat No no no no Yeah You're in a bar

Let's go to a nice place You don't need to eat nothing Maybe a bowl of chili With onions and sour cream With crackers But besides that, just to go to a bar and sit, that's all I want to do when I go to a bar. Same thing with food. Like these people, I read somebody's post on Facebook a couple weeks and they went to a dinner party.

I wouldn't go to a fucking dinner party if you're fucking paying. Is that like where eight couples get together and, oh, hi. So what do you do? I'm a fucking host of a fucking podcast. What's it called? Skank Fest. You know, like that, you know what I'm saying? Really?

What is the purpose? I love to listen to it. No, you want. No, you won't. Why you're wasting my time? Get your food and shut. You fucking mouth. The fuck you bother me.

I didn't think that really happened. I thought they had movies that people do. People actually do dinner parties. This out here, they do dinner parties. That's crazy. And you got to talk with people who are strangers and eat dinner. No, I don't do that. I don't do that.

I don't do that. I don't do that. I don't do that at all. This is why I love you. Lee, bonnet. Sure, why not you are. We're going to the hospital anyways. I got my remote set up.

Joey, Joey, that's why I love you? because when I first met you, you were one of the first people that I had never met before that I was able to speak to and have a conversation with and be like comfortable. It's very rare for me. I have a difficult time doing that with people. So I never...

People think I'm an asshole because, like, if I casually know you, I don't really go up to you and have conversations. I just kind of keep to myself, I'm in my head, whatever it is. So I'm not like a social guy like that. It's a very social comedy scene. No, you have to be... socially in the scene and you have your favorites. Yeah, you'd be friends with everybody.

And you have people that you know they don't like you, but you like them? No. If I find out somebody doesn't like me, they are fucking dead to me. I can love them. I can think they're the coolest person in the world, and then I find out they don't like me, and then that's that. They are fucking out of the Louis J. Goma's business.

Do you torment them or, live by little? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're very professional. They're done. You just put them under a fucking Chinese torture. You tie them up, and you drop. and you drop water on their forehead for three fucking days.

You ever see that? When they tie you up and water just hit your forehead, pop, pop. I think you've done that to me a couple of times mentally through the fucking weeds. They say after however long it'll burrow a hole through your head, right?

No, no, no. Like the drops, it's Chinese water torture. Isn't that what it is? I thought it drove people crazy. I don't think it would. Maybe it would, who knows? I don't know, maybe I'm just making some shit up. No, I don't they say that?

It would like burrow. whole through your head? I believe in family. I believe that if I was married to your sister, I was allowed to go to your house, and then after a year you liked me and we did podcasts. You wouldn't want to marry my sister. It doesn't really matter. It's just a... She's crazy bitch, Joe. You don't want to see it. All Puerto Rican women are. You don't want any of that. It doesn't matter. I'm just saying hypothetically.

And I'm part of your family. Maybe you have a brother and he has a wife and they have a kid. I understand that concept. I understand the concept of you and I and your sister and your parents. I don't know about my parents. And your immediate family getting together Christmas, your mom's birthday, and your dad's birthday. That's pretty insane. I get that. But for you to call me up, hi, my wife is having a party.

She's sponsoring it for the, you know, and all of a sudden there's going to be chef Antoine Ruga, which right away I'm turned off. and she starts with some spiel or they're gonna have duck or something. I don't want to go there. No, no, I don't do that. Oh, like they don't even cook themselves. They hire like a cater for it.

I'd rather you cook. Yeah. There's little pink. Barbecue. I'm a barbecue guy. I like a good barbecue. You know what? Hold on.

Time out. A barbecue is just a house party in the backyard. Are you doing a barbecue for the festival in New York? No, it's gonna be too crazy, dude. There's gonna be fucking 500 people on a space if it's like 300.

It's crazy. It's gonna be nuts. No room for a barbecue. But the place serves tacos and good food. You know, we got a, it starts off in one venue, which is the Creek in the Cave, which is, you know, two. There's an upstairs downstairs plus a big back patio. And then later in the evening, once it starts to really fill up, we're moving over into a huge, like, industrial law space, which is like fits 500 people. But it's going to be fucking crazy.

Yeah. But I love a good barbecue. I love getting together and just. That's the other thing. When you're doing no carbs, barbecue. it's very easy to do no carbs. You just show up, boom, give you two burgers, throw some cheese on it, a little coleslaw on top of it.

Done. No bun? Ribs? Ribs, easy. Hot dog just... But the sugar in the barbecue gives you carbs, so... Well, I think I like... You know, I know what you're saying.

I don't, no, no, I'm sorry. See, I'm saying, don't feel good, does it? I will marry your sister. Hypothetically, we don't talk about the sugar in the fucking barbecue sauce. But if you want to tell me, I wouldn't marry your sister. I was thinking about it.

I'm keeping my barbecue sauce. You can marry my sister. Is it bad? The barbecue sauce? Yeah, you make it? No, no, no. I don't make my own shit. Come on, man.

What are you doing for Labor Day? Memorial Day, Lee. I don't think anything. I don't even, don't we have a, well, I don't know. I've never had it off. I don't know. We'll probably just have a day off. All right.

Sounds like a party, Lee. I don't know. Do you guys do anything special for it? For Labor Day. You got to eat some fucking food, man. We go out. We hunt down barbecues. You go.

Bird's going to be out of town I don't know what George is going to do Then there's the 4th of July My friend Damon is having a fucking Barbecue lawn sale You know, everybody's doing something like that I'll take the I have no soccer with the baby on Saturday

It sucks That's a two hour activity That now I have to replace With hand-on-hand combat chasing her and shit That's a fucking How old is you now? Four

Yeah my son's four It's right Same exact age yeah I'm gonna push her on the swing for 32 minutes out in the boiling heat you're shriveling up like a fucking raisin and she's out there higher daddy hi I hate outside

that's the fucked up hard I'm already planning for the week and I have a great time with it I smoke a half a number early and by the time you know I get tuned up and she gets a little bicycle and we go that's it we go and I walk around with her blah blah and then at one point

she looked at me and go daddy what you want to do when I go to much Wally Kazan we want to go to old McDonald's I got a fucking chicken nugget. Boom. Let's go to old McDonald. She hits me with fucking, the mac and cheese restaurant.

Me and my wife fucking cringe. That's Boston Market. Boston Market. Yeah, we just cringe. You don't like it. I got food poisoning from Boston Market when I was 19 years old. Yeah. Now, how old?

What year was that? I'm 35 now. So this is 2001? Really? Well, that wasn't their peak. Their peak was like... Chelsea? The early 90s.

Oh, my God. They were everywhere. 23rd and 8th. In 95, you had a stand on the line to eat Boston Market. Summer of 94. You're Kenny Rogers? Yeah, they had one in Hollywood. I shipped blood from eating that fucking...

Kenny Rogers. That was a vulture. Yeah, that was a fucking vulture. Kenny Rogers. He still owes me a song at my house. That was the worst piece of shit food. I had tons of money. I had a type of bell commercial that was running up the store.

I'm taking this fucking money. I'm snorting blow in a hotel in Hollywood and I'm eating every bad food there is. I'm going from 340 to 380 with a fucking jump. I'm not kidding you. I was on an eating tear. And I remember this one particular day I got up, all still fucked up, snots in my nose, coke.

I took a shower. And I went up to get breakfast. In those days, on Saturday night, this diner, they had a karaoke transvestite night. And it was big in Hollywood on Saturday nights. Is it better than a regular karaoke night? I went and had the breakfast there. You know when you cooked up the night before,

you had 22 fucking beers, you ate some pussy, you spent some money, now you're fucking hungry. I couldn't even eat the breakfast. It looked like the breakfast of my cousin Vinnie when they gave him the grits and the eggs were sliding. The eggs were raw and the potatoes were raw. I just looked at the guy,

I gave him $10 and I walked out. And I went to another breakfast spot that's not there no more. And they were tremendous. And I'll never forget, by the time I walked to La Brea, which is a 20-minute walk, I was already hungry, because. And I shot into Kenny Rogers' vulture fucking stand. And I walked in there, and let me tell you something, if Trump would have been the president, he would have locked them down.

He already had Africans working for him and shit. He had like this weird race of people. There was two restaurants that always gave me to... creeps in Hollywood. That, Kenny Rogers, when I went in there, I didn't think they were legit. I thought this was like a joke because you got like Africans working in there. Like the ones that kidnap, Mr. Phillips, the ones that kidnapped. What's his name?

Captain Phillips. Captain Phillips. They were those type of fucking Africans. Yeah, yeah. They weren't big in fucking 97 out of here. Yeah. They just worked there. Can I speak to the manager?

I am the manager now. I am the manager. There was no Mr. Phillips. There was never a Mr. Phillips. There was lots of pirates. And there's another place I'll never forget. Joey Medina. Lee, you ready?

I don't think I'm ever right, but it's- It's 1998. Okay. Joyne Medina is taking care of me like a brother. He's letting me stay at his house rent-free. Okay. I cause fucking problems. He comes back from whatever.

And he takes me for lunch. and we go to a place on Vine I think it's still there I didn't know we were going he goes go ahead pull in here and it was dollar Chinese restaurant oh Joey

it's still there what was the dollar who the fuck do you think you're dealing with I looked at him I go what are we doing he goes let's go look I go let me just go look just to see

what the fuck this is you know what I'm saying oh it's gonna have a peek you walk in there you hear people yelling in the back somebody getting stabbed meow meow

they're yelling at Shut up In Chinese or whatever fucking Mongolian language They're talking Is cats running around? No there was no cats There's gone There's gone

A bunch of signs all over the place Missing cat Reward 225 It was not a cat It's not a cat It's like this fucking Momo I went to Korean town And had the dumpling

I go you're eating somebody Missing fucking cat eyeball That's mystery Meaning the dumpling I wouldn't eat that shit out here. They're like the American Indians. Every part of the animal. Every part of the animal, dog. The dumplings cost more than a dollar, though.

Yeah, yeah, that's going. I never remember. What are they, what is, is everything a dollar? I didn't eat that. No, no, no. Are you fucking crazy, Lisa? I had. I told you, I got principals. I'm a Carvel type of motherfucker. All right? I didn't break. I go, Joey, we can't eat it. He's like, why and I go, we're going to die? He was like, no, I do it all the time.

No, you don't. It ain't going to happen today. We went somewhere else. I'll never forget going in there and seeing like the egg. They had some meal that it does not take it. Like, they had a lookout. When a Chinese restaurant has a lookout, it's not security. It's a guy telling them his inspections company. Because that brown meat was either kangaroo.

Do they have that here? In New York City, they just started doing it a couple years ago. They have to have an A, B, or C rating in the window? I don't want to get you one for $22. I'll get you an A rating for a year for the small nickel. Gives a fuck. They still got roaches in there No, but you'll see places

Place that have C ratings There's a fucking restaurant up here I'm Ventura I think Lee's gone there Three or four times I've been there two or three times Every time I fucking went in there You can't even see the menu dog

You gotta fucking put a blow torch It's so dark in there They give you one candle like this In the darkness Let me shut off the lights Let me give you a fucking menu Lee am I dying Am I lying to you

Casa Vega How dark is in there Just got roaches? Yeah no That's why it's dark because they have roaches. You're walking around and stepping on crunchy things. Fucking thinking, man, the carpeting is fresh. You're hearing it's darker than fuck.

I just put two and two together. But wait a minute. If you turn, I grew up with roaches. If you turn the lights on, they scatter. They need to have fucking bright lighting. They need lighting like this. They need studio lights. Well, why would you?

They need Liza to go in there and fucking do the lighting. If the customer can't tell, if the customer... You just told them, Joey. I didn't tell them. I'm just telling you that that's why they... You didn't tell them. fans. That's why they have the lights down so you don't see the roaches.

Yeah, that's crazy. I was at a place once with a chick, and once again, I don't know what it is. I don't know why. I'm aggressive in so many situations, but for some reason, like if somebody does me wrong, right? Like, if somebody is a dick, like, if a waiter's a dick to me, I'll make a scene. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying

it's right. I'm just saying that I will very quickly say something, right? But I was at a restaurant once with a chick. We were younger, me and a few friends in this chick, and a huge, you know, New York city. You guys have water bugs here? Oh, not in a lot of places. I don't have them why I live now, but fuck.

They're talking about cockroaches. Yeah, the big water. No, no, no. Not New York style. Not with the wings. Not with the wings. Those fucking things. They were flying your fucking face. They're horrible. They're a huge cockroach that can fly. Oh, they're terrible. And they're all over Miami.

It's crazy. You go on to the South West Side? I had Israeli cockroaches. I just spread my shaming cream at it. How big? It seemed like that, but I don't know It was like seven years ago Israeli caracroaches Yeah, there was the only one I've ever seen

And now I've seen more And I've seen more Fuck you and your island getaway They got snakes in the bungalows and shit You're fucking sleeping No no no no no leave me alone Please they torture They torture Palestinian cockroaches

You know I got a little bit of a temperature I don't know if it's where I ate yesterday You know I got a four year old Who the fuck knows You know what I'm saying? Like, you never know. But it's, uh...

What do you eat? I hate at that bake wings. Oh, but... Now, yes, that is shit. I ate everything at the house. So my stomach cannot be sick from my ate at the house. I had scrambled eggs with wheat toast, and I think she made, uh... What the fuck did she make for lunch?

Uh, shrimp, garlic shrimp with rice. I blew a couple of farts from the garlic and that was it. My stomach was tip-top fucking McGoo. Yeah. Right as soon as I finished those wings And I went to the comedy store I started having a little problem The good wings I had them

My Airbnb was across the street from it No no they weren't good wings That was the fucking problem They destroyed my intestine Something they put on those fucking things What flavor did you get? We got a combo with things And every one of them was bad

Soon Every one of them was fucking horror show The one they had was really good It was like a dry rub barbecue or a Yeah that was the worst one of the shit It's too fucking salty Shit. Listen, nobody makes a better chicken wing

than a Puerto Rican. Chinese come in a tight second. Oh, yeah. Like, shitty Chinese. What about this? I always worry about this. Because you're one of the only people who like really fucking know, right?

So, because you got to like go to both. I guess there are a lot of people that live on both coasts. But with like Chinese, do they have the same type of shitty Chinese food restaurants here that they have in New York? Like you walk up, it's a hole in the wall, you get like, you know, six chicken wings for like fucking, you know, through 250.

They're not everything here. Like, if you go to Lancash him, that little hut over there, they'll sell you his chicks. They're Koreans. They'll cook whatever the fuck you want. And if they don't have it, they'll get it. That's not on the menu, though. I don't think. Who the fuck knows?

He's talking about the places with, like, the color, like the menu pictures they took, like, 40 years ago. Really? I wouldn't walk in any of those things. New York, that's like a staple. New York is a staple, but pork fried rice for like $1.50, like a $1. tub of it. It's great. I'm a big,

but let me, here you go, let me explain something to you. The definition of the slice. I know, Joe, you're a fat fuck. The definition of a slice, you know what slice means to me? Cook? On the move.

On the move. Okay. When I walk into, when I'm in New York City, and I'm fucking doing my thing, and also I got I got to go on a murky of waters. But I'm going to eat. I'm going to eat meat Louis Gomez to eat at seven. But it's for a fucking, damn, I'm starving.

I'm not going to be able to eat Louis Gomez, but I've got to catch this fucking train over here. You walk into a place in New York, you look at the fucking whatever was behind the counter, you look at the cheese slice, you go one. He takes the slice, throws it in the fucking oven. He asks you if you want to sew it and know, when he charges you, he turns around,

he gives you the slice you're on your way. That's what it slices. They don't have that here? You ready? I want a slice What kind of slice? Do you want chips with that? Do you want cheddar cheese on you?

You know, it's always a dilemma. And then once they give you the slice, they give you a receipt, and they take the bottom, and they give it to the Mexican, and they make the poor Mexican stop what he's doing. He's got to wipe his hands. He was just washing a pot in the back,

and he takes the slice. New pair of gloves. And he puts it on. Now you've got to wait through that whole ballet. Now he gets a call on the phone, and he runs over there, He's on the phone talking to his mother from Mexico. He hasn't heard from him with three years.

She just got released. And there goes your fucking slice of pizza. There's a place right down the corner over there, house of pie, whatever. Every day you walk by there. If you're a fat fuck like me, you're like, let me go in there and get a piece of pie. Now, you walk up to the counter, okay? Hopeful. You walk up to the counter and it's old school fucking Dunkin' Donuts.

What's old school Dunkin' Donuts? The shit's behind you. Lee, you've been in there, Kabish? house of pies, magnolia, 50 feet up from eat and then next to it they got like a coffee place I won't step foot in those motherfucking

I've seen it I've never been there When my wife was pregnant One day she goes I can go for a piece of pie Go you don't what what a coincidence A pie place opened up in Magnolia We went over there You ever go to a fucking Greek diner Yeah of course

Ask them for a slice of fucking Pie see how long it takes them to fucking With dirty hands They go get that fucking strawberry shortcake And put it on your dish Not this place Yeah ready for this? You got to walk. Now,

the chick is right there. The pies are right behind her. Sliced. Pre-slice. Pre-slice. She takes your order. Let me get an apple pie, traditional, and my wife wants pumpkin pie. Okay. 4-82.

You put $2 in the tip jar. She gives you receipt. She takes that receipt, and she brings it all the way to the kitchen to Pancho. And God knows what the fuck Pablo's doing back there. Then he comes all the way back, he picks up the two pies, picks him up, walks him all the way to the kitchen, takes a slice out, takes the other slice up, picks the pies back, puts him on the thing,

because God forbid he brings your slice back first. That's customer fucking service. Nobody told him. Nobody told him. He'll do your two slices last. And in the middle, stop and talk to a waiter and have a conversation and breathe on both your fucking pies. Why would I want to eat your fucking pies?

pie. You just added 10 minutes to a dilemma that didn't need to exist. Turn your skinny fucking ass around. Scoop those two pieces of pie. Put them on there. Charge me. I don't care if your hands are dirty. Isn't that something weird that I notice? They do this places, right? Too much smartness. They added too much

brains to the operation when all I want is fucking simplicity. They have to, like, they have to take the gloves off and change gloves every time. Every time. I mean, this has to be a scam by the glove industry to fucking make this a law. There's no way.

I want it. I like it. I don't want it. No, I don't want it. No, no, no, no, one pair of gloves for every, like, I'd say every 30 sandwiches. But I have a, there's a difference, I think. If you think that that's the dirtiest shit that's touching your sandwich is this person's fucking gloved hands, I understand not fingers because they're touching shit all day, but if they put a glove on and they're sitting at a station making sandwiches, they don't need to change their gloves every time. I think if they leave their gloves on for, you know, an hour, whatever it is, every hour or two, if they change them, that's okay. Well, the only thing I The only reason I'll disagree is allergies, if that's the reason.

But the reason why I like it, if you're, if you're like at a fancy restaurant, fine, do whatever you want to do. I trust that you've already beat me with allergies. Right. You don't have to speak anymore. Wait. Let me explain. No, no, no, but I think there's a difference between that and Subway. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I want the people or, like, I want people like at that level to be wearing gloves. You already killed me with allergies. Obviously, that's the perfect answer. At Subway, I want them to put three people. pair of fucking gloves on. When you go to subway, look at the big who will work there. I want you to double bag those fucking hands, okay?

When you go to subway, like you went all those years, Lee, even with the glove on the fucking hand, you got to assume, you got to assume, okay? I love you to death. When you go into a restaurant from now on, you don't need to look at the kitchen, you need to look at the waiter, and

pray to God that you got a good one. He washed his hand. He didn't finger bang a fucking hooker last night and didn't watch his left hand. That's not a terrible. Now he puts it on his kid's fucking, your kid's macaroni and cheese, his fingers. Now your kid gets a little rash

in the side of his fucking mouth. And nobody knows what's bothering them. They won't let them at the Boy Scouts. You have no fucking idea. Listen, I remember one time I got arrested. I got arrested for a warrant in 85. In 10, 10 of fly or Teaneck? Tenafly, maybe.

And they said, we'll let you go. I bailed out, but they said, we have to bring you over to... Bergen County Courthouse. Whatever the fuck that was at the time. Dog, I had been in jail all fucking day. And I missed both meals. I was in county, so they didn't give me nothing to eat. I was fucking starving.

My blood pressure is dropping. I'm getting dizzy and shit. This cops transport me. I go listen, dog. Officer, you got to do me a favor. I got no reason to lie. You look at my warrant. It's for fucking...

I go, look at my police record. I go, listen, I haven't eaten. I go, you got to do me a favor. You got to pull over somewhere I'm going to fucking drop. By the time we get to Bergen County, it's going to be 10.30. And I'm going to have food in the jail. Please, officer, I'll do anything, a sandwich. And we're driving right by chance.

And I'll tell you what. If you pull over here, I'll go in there in order. He goes, what do you want? He left me in the back of the car with the handcuffs on. He took money out of my wallet. He went and then got me pork fried rice and a soda. And I fucking ate it in the back of the car. While I'm eating, he says to me,

hey, let me tell you a story about that fucking food you're eating. He goes a few years back, there was a high-line thief robbing safes around the area. And the target said that this was the next place. Because his family's fucking kinky. So what we did was we set surveillance up inside chans and waited for them to kick down the door. Oh, he goes, let me tell you something,

when they turned the lights on, at one time we all pulled our guns out and we started yelling. It wasn't the guy coming in. It was the amount of rats' chance has that fucking kitchen, okay? He goes, and the size of the rats. Now, that was 1985.

It's 2007. 2017, I still eat a fucking chance. and I know about the rats. You understand me? But I know what I'm dealing with. So what? I got a little rat shit. What do you think that's the first time

I ate rat shit in my life before? I'm a New York City type of motherfucker. So what? So yeah, who gives the shit about his fucking drugs? You got to control what the fuck you eat. Let me get some shoutouts here. Brent Rogers. Garith Pervis.

Neon. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Mr. Armstrong. You know, I love you? Megan 715, Young Deep Soap. Young Dish So Don Wrangler

Allie Cupid Jacob Rogers And my main man Andrew Lawrence Not to mention The Austin Fucking fucking mafia down there Bobby

Holding it down in Austin For me My girl over in Michigan Fucking Cleo My main motherfucking Austin Who I got a contact Because Ralph's not gonna be there

July the 8th Ookie Spooky And the rest of you motherfucking savages Don't forget tomorrow night sold out next Thursday though is wide open over at Flappers 730 show Bing Bang Boom

10 bucks what it is is me just working out materials Leo be there taping he's the executive To the executive to the executive to the executive assistant Of the assistants and we'll have a good time I just got the title executive added that's very nice thank you dude I appreciate that Then I got Brea June 8th through the 10th you brayer mother fuck is Thursday night. That's the night.

Anyway, that's it, and that's that. So you have no plans? All the shit you talk and the extravagance. I always talk so much shit, I know. Where are you going this weekend? You got nowhere to go and nobody you hang out with. I hadn't thought about it, no. I honestly never even crossed my mind.

You're such a good ag. You know that? That's what I love about you. I'll do stuff. Is your wife working on Saturday? I don't know if she has to work. She has to work two a month. I don't know if this is one of them or not.

But I don't think... No, no, I think she has a three-day weekend, so I think she's good. Do you have to get up some water? Absolutely, my brother. I'm cut in mouth. But I will say, 1,400 milligrams. I'm still standing here pretty easily, guys. It's crazy.

I'm very impressed. What's that? What did you say? You said, you want two more? No, yeah. Fuck, yeah. We're going to have to eat another one. No, no, no, no.

Oh, shit. Stop being a pussy, Lee. Come on. I'm at 26. That's good. That's good. No, his record is 28. My record's 28.

He's got to break my record. He's going to break his record right now, Lee. Lee, you're going to look me in the fucking eyeball after all we've been through. After all the edibles we ate, and you're going to tell me, I haven't eaten 2,800 fucking milligrams. You're crazy. Oh, he's saying you haven't done it? Oh, please.

Let me tell you him. Joey Diaz does not lie. In the beginning, I was eating. I don't eat them. You know, you have to remember I was going to see the Russians. Okay? I would go to the Russians and eat two pieces of banana bread. At those days, banana bread had a,

be 500 milligrams because you couldn't eat the whole piece. I would eat the entire fucking piece. Then I was eating two of them after I fucking puke green one day in the car. I mean, this is crazy shit. Hold on, so that's 1600, 1800,

1800. Yeah, that's 1800 you're doing right now. Is that good? It just doesn't affect you high at all? I'm really hard. I'm feeling great. Lou, you got to go for 3,000. No, don't. You got to set the It's straight tonight.

That's it. That's why I didn't bring you any chocolate or anything. Because I said to myself, you know what, Lee don't need no. I want Lee to break. You see the plaque we got? We got a plaque from YouTube. You're going to get a plaque from Star 1.

The first guy ever to eat 3,000 milligrams. What are you at right now? I'm at 2,600. I can't do 3,000. What's 400 more than to do you? Nothing. Who cares? We'll get you some pizza.

I don't need pizza. I'll need a fucking kidding transplant. A couple more bong. It's not. Tomorrow you just got to make sure you drink a lot of water, and you make sure you go to Noho Park and walk around, so you sweat it out of your system. What happens if you don't do that?

You don't want it lurking in your fucking system. I mean, it's in your... I go to the steam room, Joey. Yeah, that takes my... That takes that top layer off. And you got to do the steam-fits combination. What do you mean? Like, you have to go get a steam,

and then the fucking other one with the rocks. The hot, the hot. I don't like hot. Your fucking skin. Oh, fuck. Like steam. I joined the gym just for the steam room. See, what happens to Lee is what happens to me at Jiu-Jitsu. Once I think about what I'm doing, I get nervous.

I'm thinking about it. I'm just super high, dude. I had 2,600 million. Let's 4 more 100. At least do 2 more 100, so nobody can even... No, he's got to do 4 more 100. He's going to break the record. Why would he tap out?

I've broken... Let him do two and let him see where he's at. Two more 100. And if he's good at 2800, he has... What is the worst that can happen, Lee? Oh, his heart to go out of control. Diabetes? I'm sorry

I'm fucking died. And then you will now go to fucking murder for attempted murder for blowing up. Attempted murder. Attempted. At least I asked. I think that's completed.

First of all, it's going to be like third degree manslaughter or some shit like that. It's on video. They saw what happened. He wanted it. It's not going to be murder. Oh, my God.

It's just us calling him a pussy. That's not murder. When you go home at night, like when I leave here, what happens to your heart? You've never complained to me about like my niece said something about,

Her heart. Red band set his heart. My heart's going to the house in a moment. Do you feel it? Yeah, my heart's being fast, yeah. That's just love. That's good for you. It's like fake exercise. Sure.

Your body thinks you're doing jumping jacking. Meanwhile, you're sitting there just... Am I crazy? Is that a stupid thing? Because when I'm in the steam room, but after like 30 minutes, I'm really going pretty hard, right? And my heart's just going,

and I'm sweating. Do you get high before you go in there? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's my favorite thing in the world. It's too hot to get out before you get in there. Oh, you have no idea. You have no idea what it's like to go on

a fucking sauna in the morning. It's incredible. And then you shower right afterwards? You never feel cleaner. Bro, the YMCA and Hollywood was my all time. The YMC. and Hollywood opened up at 4.30. Guess it was dead 429.

Boom. Boom. With a bottle of fucking hyacinth or whatever that spray is to open you up. Yeah, yeah. Eucalyptus. So the first thing I would do is take a nice shower. Even if I had to take a shower at the house,

I'd take another hot shower just to get everybody ready. I'd go into that sauna, nice and stone to the gills. Yeah. And I'd fucking do 10, 15 minutes in there. Then after I'd start stretching there. Yeah. Just light stretching. Popping.

Open up your muscles, boom. Pop, pop, pop. Then I come out, take another cold shower. And bam, go into the steam room for a little eucalyptus. Stop, at least my head. Yeah. It's the best thing that will. Look, this is what I do with my head.

I've never, I usually see me in a hat because I just shape my head with clippers. Now I've been bicking my head because I'm just at the gym all the time. I go in between. spots because they're all over the city, the gyms. So I literally go in, I'll have an hour between spots. I'll pop in, steam for 20 minutes, shower, shave my head, shave my face, boom, never felt better. Never felt better in my life, Joey.

It's the best thing I've ever done. And then here's the beauty. I would get out of the steam, take another shower, then I would jump into the pool. Boom. Into the heated pool. And like a little 40 minute workout, like 20 for pulling and 40 for kicking. I would stretch in the pool. I throw some karate kicks in this nice warm pool.

And I get out and I do it all over again. What's wrong with that? What's your problem with that? I actually had your door to goggles, but not, no. I just don't like that. Not for the steam, well, obviously. That doesn't sound like heaven? Not stone.

Stone and being overheated and freaks me out. You've never done it. Give it a shot. Columbus did. I've ever steered your room? A few times. I will go tomorrow or Friday. We should all go to the steam room.

There's a place on wool shirt. It's like a Russian bathhouse. Let's go. Where they give you the massage. No hand job, Lee. All on the up and up here. These are Russian men. Finally, I'll give you a hand job.

Thank you. No, he doesn't want a hand job. He just feels nervous. Lee, they put a towel around your waist. They rub you down and they put some stuff on you and they peel it off. They'll shave your head completely. They'll shave your mustache. You'll look like fucking forget about it.

Anyway. Seriously. You didn't know that, that? I think it's an Hollywood Sunday. Russian bathhouse. They have been in the East Village. They have one. I understand how, like, the steam in sounds great.

I've been in steam rooms. I just don't really want to get stoned out of my mind for it. No. You do. You do? You really do. You have no idea how easy it being in that room. You don't know even what you're...

You're too high to even know what you're saying right now. That could also be true. And he has talked his way out of eating two more stars of death to break the record. Please. He knows. He knows he's going down. That's not over yet. There's still over.

He's got time. He's a good man at this show like that. When is the festival? It's called Skankfest, January. What is it? June 23rd through 25th. That's Thursday through Saturday. And Friday through Sunday.

It's a Friday night kickoff. Red Band's doing a Death Squad show. That Friday night, we got Dave Smith. He's premiering a special. He's got an hour special that we self-produce. It's fucking incredible. And then on all day,

Saturday, all day Sunday from noon until 2 a.m. It's content parties. It's just basically an all-day comedy party. It's out of control. Really great. I mean, headliners this year, Jim Gaffigan, Artie Lang, Burke Kreischer, Duncan Trussell, Ari Sheffier, Big J. O'Cerson, fucking...

Where's ARI's show at? Ari's show. They're all in one... It's all in one venue, except then we move... It's all set up in one venue, and then we move over to that loft space. So, it's going to... If you're coming, you're going to see everything you're hanging out with everybody. That's the difference between Skank Fest and other comedy festivals

is this is literally a party where you're hanging out with all your favorite comedians as well. So it's pretty incredible, man. It's very different. I mean, you can't go this year, but we're doing a tour next year, eight cities. Actually, you can go this year. If you follow Skank Fest, NYC on Twitter,

we're giving away a pair of tickets every Friday. So we have... It's sold out completely already? Sold out completely. Kill Tony's going to be there. We got a goddamn comedy jam. It's going to be incredible. That's crazy.

You got a lot of guys. No, yeah. So we have 110 comics overall throughout the entire weekend that are on different showcases, different levels. And all in the same building. Yeah, well, it's two venues technically, but it's all, you know, the one in the earlier part, it's in the creek and the cave. And then we will move over to the gantry loft. Very interesting. You should be proud of all the moves you guys are doing.

I'm really excited about it, man. You guys work hard. You're out there. You're tweeting all fucking day. I see you out there. Consulting people. Fucking people. You do the podcast.

You know, and listen, man, you're young. This is what it's for. Yeah. Comedy is such a, it's such a spread out thing now. You can do so much. Yeah.

If you want to shoot videos, you can do a podcast. You can do a podcast. You can do a podcast and shoot videos. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Well, that's the other thing as well because, you know, it's so easy to do high quality stuff now. And there's certain guys that just fucking, you know,

you know, guys like you. I mean, like guys like Ari, you know, Big Jay. You know, those guys that I look up to, that just kind of just you guys didn't fucking change the way you talked you didn't change the way you walked you did what you did you know what I'm saying I was like fuck it you like come to me or don't I'm gonna get fans I'm gonna do my thing so that that was very inspirational and I in turn take that and put it into things like Legion of Skanks Skank Fest Digital which is the podcast network I run and that's kind of the spirit of you know what I do you know and all the things

and all the projects that I have it's like you know we celebrate you know kind of just you know I don't, free speech is a hacky word, but it's like, you know, we celebrate, you know, just kind of saying, comedy, man. Trying to be funny. Funny first. That's it. Just being fucking funny. Exactly.

You know, I don't like drama even comedy, but no, it's, uh, that's a troubling time for you as a comedian and as a human being. You know, that's a, that's a time in your life as a performer that you could become an alcoholic or a Coke fiend or, you know, a fucking junkie and speed or heroin. because you come out here, you come out here with a dream. I saw it a thousand times. I saw it a thousand times. And if you look at a lot of comics who did get on television,

there was a lot of issues with rehabs and stuff like that while they were hot on TV because a part of you is you're saying shit and doing shit. There's a comic you would never do a say. Do you know what I'm saying? If they put you tomorrow on ABC, they wouldn't.

Some show. Yeah. calls you up when you're in this show when you're playing this sweetheart of a fucking guy how long could you last on there all day

people yelling at you for using the wrong word say this word say it next take it's fuck and all of a sudden you know they come at you again how long till you snap

you know how long as a comedian you know what the road is like you have all this freedom on the road the great Eddie Griffin once told me he goes

And you got into comedy, you get into comedy not to have a job. And then all of a sudden one day, you have a job. Yeah. That's very true. It's very true. I've never felt that more than right now. I've never been busier in my life. When I had a fucking day job, I mean, I would take off.

When I'm done with my day job, boom, I check out. I'll fucking go out, do whatever I wanted to do. There's freedom of being a comedian, too. Look, you know, I can't complain. It's a brilliant thing, and it's amazing. and, you know, I can never complain about what I do. But at the same time, the mental disconnection from a day job where you can just like literally, you live for the weekend, Friday hits, and you're like, go out with your friends.

And with something like this, you know, where it's like you're doing your passion, whatever it is, forget comedy, if you're living your passion and that's your entire career, you never turn it off. And that's really mentally exhausting. That never, like, that never stops. And anybody who excels at anything like at a really high level, you know, I'm, you know, You know, that obsession, I think, is more exhausting than anything else. Well, look, that first time you go into a market, you know, I'm thinking back to 98,

when I was already a regular, but that was it. I couldn't bust that. I got put on at the improv. I got put on at the laugh factory. Only on Monday nights for Latino night. It was 20 minutes Gilbert Escobel. Bless his all. He's still around.

I still thank him because he used to give me every Monday night. a 20 fucking minute spot even though Jim Missada did not want me on the stage so that was cool of them you know but that was it I would showcase for things fuck you

nobody would ever pick me Montreal CBS showcase fucking oh you name it you fucking name it so for years I went all right now I gotta figure this out then I gotta give it to me

so I gotta go rock their fucking world one way or another and I started doing movies I didn't do movies because I wanted to I did movies because I knew it would be it would get me a little closer to my goal only maybe to the back door. That's hilarious.

And look, at the end there was a fucking podcast. It was our ability to fucking tell stories on here and bring them to people. That's really made the push. It wasn't the fucking movies. It wasn't the TV shows. I mean, it helps. It helps people notice you.

But this is what really this medium really helped a lot of comedians and it really opened up the door for a lot of comedians me being very fortunate it turned it made it just it changed the relationship between comedy fans and comedians because before it was you go to a comedy club

once or twice a year, three times a year and that's it and you see some comedians you love me think they're great you buy their album you watch their special it's a very disconnected relationship but now it's like with a podcast you know, it doesn't even matter. If I'm not even a funny mood one week, they're with me right there.

You know what I'm saying? That's a different thing. You know, I had a fucking kid. You listen to me find out, like, on my podcast. I mean, not literally on the podcast. I don't find out, but like I find out, I find out that day. Or I go to have a conversation with my chick.

We were going to have a conversation after the podcast that I'm really on edge. Because you listen to the episode. I wish you can give you the episode number. So if you're actually interested in this, I'll tell you if you tweet me or arrest me on Facebook. But, oh, no, it was the day that me and Dave, Lewis versus Dave is the name of the episode. Because I'm really fucking on edge because my chick was pregnant and we were going to talk about it.

We're going to talk about what we were going to do with the baby right after the podcast. So I'm like freaking the fuck out. I just come back from the road to road gig. I was in Montreal. My buddy, Mabargetti. And his chick was pregnant. And I was like, fucking losing my mind, dude. And I really wanted to keep the baby.

You know what I'm saying? She was like, she's very measured, very smart chick. And me and Dave Smith, we get into a fight on the podcast. And it's not even about that. I'm fucking freaking out. And we ended up just blowing up and getting to do a huge thing over nothing. But it's kind of funny to listen back to that. And it's like these are like these big moments.

Like that night, I'm fine. I'm having a conversation on whether or not we're going to keep my son. That's a different type of connection with a fucking comedian that you got in 1996. And Dane, when you're, to bring it back to what you said about Dane, Dane kind of understood that you needed that type of connection with people. He was the first guy to go, oh, shit, it's more than just telling jokes. And he was great at telling jokes. He was, you know, huge and murdering.

It wasn't like he was ignoring telling jokes. He was going out and writing material and fucking, you know, performing at a very high level. But he was the first guy to go like, oh, shit, I can connect with these fans in a different way. And that was kind of the beginning of social media. And podcasting, I think, is kind of an extension of that, of that. You know, podcasting is radio meets all of that social media shit. And then we have this shit and people fucking, they're sitting here with us. You see that on that meme?

Pull that meme up, brother. Listen, you'll love it. It's the best meme I've ever seen about podcasting. It's called, just look up what it's like to listen to podcasts. Oh, I think I've seen it, yeah. I love it. It's great. And it's a, for the audio listeners, it's a picture on a wall.

And it's girls eating ice cream on a wall. And then there's a kid sitting next to the picture eating an ice cream comment. and you got to see it probably not explaining it well for the audio people but look it up yeah that's it right there it's so funny how I always thought I would be good

at radio like I would go on the road and they'd make me do a radio and I do really well on the radio and the people would talk to me and they go would you consider a radio job and I leave there all fired up

like maybe I could just move to North Dakota, worked the comedy club, you know, MC and just worked the radio and just, I didn't even know

what they were paying. Like, I would settle down for that job. It was so funny how, in a way, I always knew the radio was somewhere in my future. Right.

But the radio showed up as a podcast, which is very interesting. I didn't want it to be radio. I've never wanted this to be radio. I always wanted this to be a pirate type thing. I want you to listen to this.

I'd rather just do the audio than the visual. I do the visual because I'm a handsome motherfucker and I want to see what's crack a lack. You don't want to rip your fans off and not give them that. Yeah, no, no, no, no. You don't deprive them of that mug.

Yeah, I wanted people to get that. You know, I was always intrigued when I watched it, the 50s, how people would gather around the radio, families would come down at 7 o'clock in the 50s, listen to the Greenhorn it. You know, and he would sit there for

for an hour, 30 minutes, fucking silent. They would say, maybe say an ad. That's what really intrigued me to podcast. That I wanted to get people listening again. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Just listening deep to you. Like, I really believe that.

Like, I want, I don't think people were listening anymore. Yeah, we listen to music. But to listen to people talk, real talk. Yeah. Like what we do here, you know, we talk about, you're correct. shit that's affecting you right now in your life. That's absolutely correct. That's why I never even like talking topical stuff.

You know, I get emails every day. Fuck you, you didn't talk about the UFC. I'm not Joe Rogan. I'm not Joe Rogan. Why should I talk about the fucking UFC? Joe, you listen to Joe too. Let Joe talk about that. I love not talking about it.

It's funny because everyone thinks, because I do a show at Michael Bisping, a podcast and a radio show, and everyone, when I come onto a show like this or whoever show I do, they think I'm always going to talk about UFC. I love not talking about UFC because I talk about it all day.

I mean, I talk about a few hours a week. So it's like, you know, I can talk about this shit all fucking day. Who cares? You know, I like just having a conversation and see where it goes. Even with you, but you make that easy as well because when I do other shows, a lot of the times, they need a little bit more structure. You know what I'm saying?

That's just a testament to how good you are at kind of having an ability to tell a story and keep the conversation going. A lot of shitty podcasts. out there. Well, listen, before I became, before I started podcasting, okay,

what do you, when do we start podcasting late? 2012, September. So I was doing it, I was doing it 2010 with Felicia.

Okay, so 10, 2010 was seven years ago. At that point in my life, I was doing stand-up comedy 19 fucking years. 19 years.

that's a fucking veteran, okay? Yeah. And a lot of those 19 years were veteran wars. You know what I'm saying? One-nighters, triple wars, going on stage, hungover, but learning control, being on stage and going on-stage and going a while. Look at these motherfuckers. They're paying attention to me. You know, 10 years ago, people would fucking look away.

People would eat. People would talk to each other. Now, I got everybody's fucking eyeball. I'm doing something right. you're moving right. You know, that comes from being on the road. That don't come from fucking sitting at your house and telling your friends.

I had a line the stand last night or whatever fuck these people do. That comes from banging it to fuck out, you know? And I felt when I got on there, yeah, we have a lot of gaps. I listened to earlier fucking churches and I want to jump out of fucking window. But in time, you just learn.

You learn the timing. You remember stories from your life. It's almost like with stand-up, like how they say you have to like listen to your stand-up sets over and over again. I listened to the podcast back all the time. It used to be because I would edit them because I used to edit my own shit. I was producing my own shit before we had, you know, studio and all this other stuff. But that's how I think I got really good at podcasting because I was editing. Right. You listened.

I was I had to. And not only that, we were like, we had bad audio. So I would really have to listen through and listen to things over and over again. And you find your little ticks and the things that are fucking annoying and the things that, don't sound good. You know, your mic diction, how far you stay away. People don't get, like,

people that are pros, you know what I'm saying? Like, we literally think about, or I, at least I do, we think about all that shit. All that shit. You know, all that shit.

When I leave here as high as I am, stupid. I'll sit on the couch and think about the podcast and the points that we made, the points that we didn't make, and how I should call Lee and we'll do the podcast over again

and include that point. I'm like, fuck that noise. Lee's home and bed. It's 5.15 in the fucking morning. I'm going to call Lee and go over that and read tape. but you know. 515,

never stopped you before. Let me tell you something, guys. I was with her today. I had called for you, Felicia, today. I gave her big, it was great to see it. I talked to her on the phone twice a week. When I was doing the podcast with Felicia, Felicia was editing it,

and I couldn't listen to the whole thing because it wasn't my dream. I wanted to give it to you how it was done. I did not want to fuck around it. If you call me tomorrow and Joey, Louis Gomez. Listen, the thing I said about the Chinese chick eating my hands, so you've got to take it out. You're dead, Louis. That's it? I ain't taking it out.

Brother, I had to do that recently for somebody. I take it out. I take it out recently for somebody. I can't do it because this, I want you to behave yourself. I want you to come on here, and I want the word to get out. I want you to go fucking Joey Diaz. I told the story of fucking my ex-wife in the eyeball. He fucked up. That's his fault. I cannot. I've had three people call me, and I have not cut. their shit and two of them

I don't think I don't even know if they're around anymore they won't I refuse Can I tell you why I did it? Because here's what I do Right? Number one I almost feel like it's like a rule like if I can I would right Your live show has a lot of people

watching it. There's how many thousands of people watching this life right? My live show is behind a paywall that's the only way you can watch my show live the podcast is free But in order to watch the video In order to watch it live you got to go to the web site. And it's a much smaller fraction of people. You can't get rid of something that goes out on your feed, really. You can't. Once it's out there on YouTube for free, boom, that's it. For me,

you know, Legion of Scanks is, there's probably, you know, a couple thousand that watch it live. So that's a little bit harder. But for like real-last podcasts or some of the other shows, which that's what it was. It was my smaller show. There was, you know, a couple hundred people watching live. It wasn't a big deal. I was like, fine, dude, I'll do it. But it's annoying. I almost feel like you should if I guess if I would have said no he would have been

fine but I'll tell you right now I'm probably not going to have him back on the show for a while no no no no

no no he made me do more work yeah you can't trust him listen bro Lee we've said

some fucked up stories on here I've said some fucked up stories on here of course so if I've said 300

stories on here don't you think I have a hundred that I can't fucking repeat how many times have I sat here with you at night

like these microphones I got to tell you about something or a person or something that happened years ago and you'll sit there and say, why didn't even tell me about this? Because, you know, you can't say every, I got a thousand stories. I can't tell him here.

Are you fucking crazy? Oh, you're glowing. Huh? I'm really high. Oh, yeah. There's like a halo ring. It's great. This is tremendous.

Yeah, it's really good. That's nice. No, no, I love it. No. This is a... I'm going to murder tonight. It's going to be the best show I've ever had in my entire life. I'm going up

at the Laugh Factory. I'm Brian Bradbant's show. I'm going to change the world tonight. You want to take some stars to go from? Yeah, maybe the midnight hour. I'm going to take one more right now so I hit 2,000 on the show. Oh, fuck yeah. I hope you're watching this, ladies and gentlemen. Lisa, I hope you're learning your fucking lesson. I suppose. I'm fine. 3,000. Oh, shit. If he's really, this two, I have to do

only do. Are we sure? Do we agree that you want to do 3,000? Give me a small one. Don't be a No, that's the big one. I don't have no food here in case you start trembling and shit. I'm trembling right now, so let's see what happens. Oh, there's brownies.

There's chocolate brownies. Yeah, sure. That's T-8C. That's good. That's 2000's good. I did 850 or 825 last time. There we go. It's a record right there.

This is Christ, Joey. Lee Syatt has broken the fucking... This is what I'm talking about, ladies and gentlemen. It's pretty incredible. You got his stripes back. The ones he lost in the other. You were playing the death song, though. No, it was 10.

Oh, no, no. I'm not, yeah. Let me open me up. They'll be like, why are his inside? Purple? The other night, I kept telling him, Louis Gomez is coming Wednesday night. Going to training.

Like, Friday night, he had like 600. Yeah. He lied to me. He made a boy. He was Cheech and Chong on the phone. Saturday night, he had like eight stars. Sunday, he went sabbatical. And then Monday, he tried to come in here and cut me show.

And I told him, listen. if I was you I need every fucking star on that bag because Louis Gomez is coming to the town It's like Santa Claus And he ain't fucking around Wednesday night He kept in, then last night He did light training He did 1600

Look at them oh yeah This is it tonight Lisa yeah Are they done? Are they in already? No one is That's 2800 ladies and gentlemen Oh my God Do you think this average person Is it this hard for the average person

Or is it just this hard for late It hasn't My body's trying to tell me Like stop doing this but it's a... I hope you're a little heart tone pillow, Oh, Jesus Christ

I can't believe you want to do 3,000 milligrams. What the... Should you stop atone? No, no, what are you doing? We've already applauded for you.

You can't take the applause back. That's really true. I take your applause back. That'd be like... I have to end my friendship with you. You might have to murder me right there. I don't know how to make that right in the world if you applaud for it.

That'd be like fucking editing. Yeah, that's crazy. Just give me only two seconds. Oh, my God. anxiety or anything and shit like that. That fucking food fucked me up today. Something else is going on. I don't know.

Last week I took that, I took a five-day body bomb to clean out all the fungi in my body. I had these weird rashes from the years sleeping on fucking matches and shit. But I had this rash that you would flare up from time to time.

Oh, my gosh. One day I went to my arm. It was like a fucking red thing. Like, somebody whipped me. I was like, I got to stop this. I went to the doctor. he goes that's like 18 years of being out there I go yeah that's all I've been doing comedy dog

that's a lot of fungus the one fungi toenail disappeared the new gnail was grown up but the other one's still in the valley of death there you go ladies and gentlemen leaves a fucking monster to fish I'm such a hypochondriac like I hate

I hate going to the doctor I hate like oh I mean I go like I had to get surgery I had a stye that was recurring and we came back and it became like a cyst that had to be removed

so they had to do like a physical and all that shit but that was like oh I hate it you're so afraid of like death 35 yeah 35 you know what man if you have insurance

you have to go to the doctor you know what they charged me at St. Joe's Hospital and they didn't shut cut my tongue this is why my whole no do what you want brother my discomfort

with everything is I think of the American family I think of Lisa yeah and his brother growing up. I really do. I think of... That's the American family?

Two kids. You, your wife, and two kids. A girl and a little boy. Okay? I don't know what you make for a living. I don't know what your wife makes for a living. Could you afford to go to the Yankee game once a week? Were your two kids?

How much is the Yankee game? I fucking lie for a family of four. When you're making $5 a month a week driving a truck in the Bronx, $200 with overtime. What could your rent be? You live in the five? fucking Bronx somewhere or Brooklyn. Right.

You know, here, put it in here. Thin it with that. Oh, yeah, perfect. You know, what can your rent be? I'm talking about the medium-range American family. How much can they possibly? What can they take your child? Can you take your child for the next game?

Can you take your wife and get popcorn and hot dogs and shit like that? Well, they do, but they get... No, you can't. But they rack up credit card debt. What if you want to come out here and visit Disneyland? Right. I'm going to bring four people at four-fifty. And most people can't afford that.

No, that's what I'm saying to you. And this is what pisses me to fuck off. Lee, stop breathing heavy, please. You're making me nervous. You look like me before I give blood. There's nothing to breathe heavy about it. Now I know how stupid I look. Are you afraid to give blood?

Oh, all that shit. Listen, let me a favor. Don't get me started. My point, because I fainted on the show two weeks ago. Why? Because I bit my tongue, and then I told the story on the show, and I fainted from just telling the story. All right.

But let me tell you what happened. Sorry, going. So the other night, I caught my, I bite my tongue. At two in the afternoon. He's got the last one out. Let's go, Lee. Come on, Lee. Where did you? Bro.

Where did you? Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. I went to the hospital. I got there at 11 o'clock at night. I got there to quarter to 11. And they fucking, uh... Look at, look at, look at it. Look at what I got to deal with.

He's holding his own mount. This is what I got to do Anyway, I go to the hospital 11 o'clock, I tell them, listen, this is bleeding. They don't offer me a gauze. They don't offer me nothing. This is bleeding uncontrollably.

I'm going to the bathroom, pulling out paper towels, putting them under my fucking thing. Next thing you know, they call me back there, they ask me a bunch of creepy questions, I give them the insurance card, then they send me back out there.

And at 12, 3rd, They come get me and they go, listen, we made a thing. We can't staple it. But there's a doctor who's coming at three and he'll take care of. Go over there and sit tight until 3 o'clock. Wait, what time is that? It's fucking 11 o'clock at night. 11.30, quarter to 12.

And I'm sitting in. I got to be on a plane the next day for Utah. I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? You know what? I'm not fucking sitting here. I'll go home. Jesus Christ, I bled the whole fucking night. I got up the next morning. My mask is filled with blood to sleep back. It was terrible.

I flew to Utah You didn't go to the doctor Huh You didn't go back to the doctor? I went to the doctor in Utah Oh, Utah The point of the story Okay

I went to the urgent care I went in there They took my blood pressure They talked very nicely to me They took me in the back A young doctor came I can't stitch you Because then you can't tell jokes

I go What do you want to do Because let's try something You took a piece of This glue This cocaine thing That shortens the nerves And the pores

So you stop the bleeding A little bit that he put a piece of like metal in my tongue and he goes, he'll fall out of his own that would just stop the bleeding. Boom, healed. They took my insurance card. The other hospital sent me home, three hours.

You ready for this, ladies and gentlemen? You know how much St. Joe's and Burbank charged me that hospital? $396 to send me home. You know how much the other place in Utah charged me? How much? Zeltier. Why? Because they took it out of my fucking copay.

some shit. That's how human beings are, bro. This place didn't even do nothing. They were like, you have to wait here. I could see if they gave me ice. I could see if they fucking sat me down or put me in the back on the observation. They never said, listen, you're losing

a lot of fucking blood. Once you go in the back and let's lay you down, let's watch you for a little while. They never said that. Bro, if you saw me, you could see the blood all over my face, all over my hands. This wasn't no fucking joke, man. But anyway, who gives a fuck?

I'm just thinking about people who... You know what you got to do? Somebody told me this. My friend Katie did this. If you need anything, just go to the emergency room, go to the hospital, and they have to treat you. Oh, no, I know that. Give a fake name.

Yeah, you can't give a fake name. Tell them you a big pussy. No, not today because they have cameras there. And they... It's not like the old days in New York City. What's your name, General Obama? I think you can get away with it. I really do.

Are we taking over, Lee? No, no, no, no. I'm just getting some man with you. Nice. Whatever, we'll go. Lee, so Louis and Lee show. Yes, sir. Let's do some more fucking stars.

Lay, don't be a pussy. The 3,000 is my... Set a new record that Joey can't beat. So, my question for you, Lewis, is how are you going to combat gaining weight back? Because I just did that... Because I just ate 40,000 grams of sugar?

No, no, no. with the source of death? Not just a night because you lost weight. Because I've gone up and down my entire life and I went down and I recently gained 15 pounds. So I go back down again. Did I fucking fluctuate, man. It's a nightmare.

It's really a nightmare. I was on Byrd's podcast talking to him about this. But it's like it becomes an obsession and that's the problem. I almost wish I just was fat and never even thought about it and just fucking live my life as a fat guy and die eight years sooner than I would die if I was in shape. Because now I just think about it all the time. So do I?

I have advice for you? No, I don't, I mean, I have no advice because I will probably be fat again one day. So, so you just admit that you just admit that there's going to be cycles? That's for me. It's very difficult. I personally have a thing where it's about, because I'm a comedian, like, it's about gratification. So when my friends are telling me, oh, bro, you look good, you lost weight, that's great. Chicks are coming up to me. Like, oh, you look really good, Lewis, you lost all this weight. But as soon as the gratification disappears and as soon as people stop talking about it. It's that comedian thing in me that I look for something else.

I'll start doing something else. You know what I'm saying? He was asking about losing weight and gaining weight. That's what happens. I'll lose weight and then people stop congratulating me for it and then it stops being as important. This is not as much of a priority because I'm a fucking narcissist. So then I gain weight again

and then I go back and then I lose weight again and then they come back, oh, you look great. But it disappears after a few months. So it's fucked up. Is it you're thinking about all night when you're on these fucking stars. You're going to think about losing weight, not eating.

You're going to sit there like a month all night. Do you know how many fucking grams of sugar in these stores? Seven calories per star. What about the grams of sugar? Two. No. I'm telling you.

Let me see. This is diet free. Impossible. This is diet free. Diabetic free. No way. Fucking sugar free. If this is two grams of sugar per star,

no free. Actually, it might be. They're pretty small. Yeah. No, no, no. Why would I fucking blow smoke? I mean, I am eating, hold on. if I just had 10 of them,

it's 20 grams of sugar. It's not great. Joey. What are you going to do? You got to live from time to time. You're Puerto Rican, right? That's in your blood. What do you think you drink all day?

Fucking sugar cane juice. Your fucking cousins are drinking sugar cane juice. You know what I'm saying? Do they not have the They don't need it. I'm telling you, it's two grams. Don't worry about nothing. I got you.

He's just making that number of them. The what? You're just making that number of you? You don't fucking know nothing. He knows. They're not going to fucking tell you. There's nothing to Google. These are my people.

I don't tell you nothing. They only tell me. If you want tomorrow, I'll call the club. You think it would be what it is. All of a sudden, you want to know, how many grams of sugar? Yeah, there's two. That's 80. Yeah, there's two.

Don't worry about nothing. It's seven calories. There's two grams of sugar. Seven divided by two is fucking two. Has anybody else in the dietary consumption of these? Whatever they need. I make it up. You tell them, whatever, I'm dying better.

Can I eat these? A ton of them. Take a chance. When you're in the ambulance, like Carlito's way, fucking bleeding from the neck, you're going to think about it. If you die from candy, candy weed, that is the most hilarious way to die. Listen, dog, if you thought, I could see myself really having a bed. That's why whenever I fucking take these, I'd be careful lately.

Because these things will put you into big-time anxiety attack. Like, this will, this could catch up with you, Louis Gomez. This ain't no joke. This could get you later on, like late at night or something. That's last time. Look at Zambol over there. He's ready to go. He's done.

What does it mean when he tastes seaweed? That means that. You're going down, dog. He's your drowning. Last time. Here, do a bong. We'll take that taste out of you. Come on, baby.

I'm done. Come on, let me say. It's done. Last time, after I had 825 milligrams, which was way less than I've had today. Okay. And I'm still standing here, Joey. You're the man I'm gonna do the best shit

I've ever done I'm gonna I'm doing all I'm doing I'm gonna fucking improv every joke tonight it's over I'm happy for you I'm ditching the old jokes

You'll be calling me later going What the fuck did you get me I fucking ate a bag of dicks I forgot everything I'm doing Louis CK's act Fuck it Then you can't lose

I'm just going up to do it And fucking Um No no no Last time When I went to sleep that night I heard like little whispers Like if you tripped on mushrooms

Like you know at the end of the night After you've come down You go to sleep it was almost like that type of thing and that's what I'm getting now it's like when I'm not looking directly if I look directly at you I'm good right I love the whispers yeah it's good they tell you things you don't know

I love it I love it I love it Joey you're the fucking man no no no no you're so fucking cold bro thanks we're about to go down in your head on the bed he's a pussy no fuck you I could stay up if I want to I don't have to be a class till 920 I uh get like I

my anxiety edibles is that lift that lift off especially when you eat a lot of them that's why I always tell like leaves used to a thousand of them real quick and another thousand and then we just pick it apart little by little at the core like a

like a you know but you you don't eat these so I wouldn't want you to go from A to Z and then there you are breathing in your heart fucking red band calling them this I know I hear of a thousand stories that happen that's crazy though. The last thing I would

want is for anybody who left here for them to have to call an ambulance because they're a heartbeat. Joey, listen, man, if I call an ambulance, I'm giving them a fake name. That's all I know. They're not getting my real fucking name, but I'm not paying for shit. First of all, they'll fingerprint you by you're sleeping.

Then they'll do an NCIC and they get to picture you from Mexico via Puerto Rico playing bongos and shit. They'll fucking, no, no, no. You got to give them everything now. It's not a joke anymore. I think you can get away with it. I really don't.

You told me that I couldn't jerk off in airplane bathrooms the first time I was on this show. And then you did it? I still do it every time. Disgusting. No, not, cross-country flight, Joey. I'm out building up six hours of jazz. You know what you do, bro?

You sit there and you put the blanket on you. And you do it under your hand, a little stomach you. And you look around the people around you. Make eye contact with the stewardess? But no, you whack off this way with your finger this way. You're going to end up on like the sex offender list. No.

I used to be young. laser transfer blow and I'd be up all night. That's basically in public, isn't it? No, it's not in public. It's under the blank and they don't know. I'm scratching a fucking itch. It's fucking skylaw. No, you know it. But sometimes, Lee, they sit there and watch it. They love it. And you're like banging that yuc out.

That dude, that security guard just went to jail for that. Which guy? From the football game? Remember he was obviously he was like, obviously jacking his dick and looking at the chileons? You put a blanket out. That's old school. You know what I noticed here? The homeless people

are extremely animated, like way more animated than New York. New York, they're more dangerous seeming. No, they're both pretty dangerous, but they're very, they're like, they do the Bugs Bunny movement here, like the, you know, ooh, I eat that thing. And in New York it's way way more public masturbation.

I haven't seen any homeless people masturbating in public here. And in New York City, they're jerking off, I mean, a lot. A lot. They are, you know this show. Thank you. Because next time I bring a rain jacket, I'm the fucking people jerking. Listen, the homeless seen here. Last night, the weirdest thing happened. I got to meet my agents. They're young kids.

They dress nice. They got nice hair. I parked my car. I walked towards them. And it's them two kids. So it's 24. And this black kid. I'm thinking now the kid had like the red wrapper jacket and the hat. I thought it was jewelry. I don't fucking know. You know, I'm like, maybe they represent him. As I get there, they're blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, they're fucking talking. And so I didn't know nothing. I turned around and introduce me, how are you doing, nice to meet you? I give my agents a hug, and we all walk in. And next, you know, the dude's behind me.

And he's like, man, what are you going to eat? I tell you what I want. And you're telling me what you want. What are you talking about? And he's like, come on, man. Let me eat with you, motherfuckers. You're a director of shit. And I'm like, I'm no fucking director.

He's like, come on, man. He goes, come on, let me eat with you. I even pay for half of it. I could smell the alcohol. You could smell the fuck. You know, it was just sad. You know what I would have gave him the fucking chicken. Then the waitress drew on that.

The waitress says he's been bothering people. I don't know who's homeless or whatever anymore. I can't tell. You go to those fucking 7-Elevens they're out there. Today I gave a chicken dollar. I took the doll out of the car and I gave it to this woman today. You know, you don't know what the fuck they're doing. I have difficulty to.

I have difficulty to. But from time to time, you've got to be soft. It'll be Jesus Christ. In L.A., yes, fine. L.A., I give it to you, you should be more generous. You're right. I agree. But in New York City, you're walking to the subway.

If you're going to be generous, I mean, you're going to only fucking, you will have no money. It's expensive. You heard what I said. I said I racially profile. So no blacks. I do. No, I didn't say that. No, she was a black woman who I gave them.

Okay. No, the black man. You have a better chance if you're a woman getting money out of me. 100% than a young guy. When I see a young guy, I just look at them. You better have no limbs.

I'm ashamed of them. If you have... No, no, no. If they got limbs, I'll throw them the small nickel. If they have no limbs, if you can prove... You never have zero limbs.

If you have one limb, you better get the fuck out of my face. If you got a cup next to me and there's no limb, I throw a nickel on the fucking guy. You're a good guy. You're missing the fucking body part.

I'm all in the Cuban side. But you get these fucking people. You know, I know who's faking. My mom had a bar that the guy used to play deaf. Yeah, of course. You know, in New York, that's big. Do you see the gypsies that have,

they fucking have the babies? They drug up the babies? Oh, my God. That's crazy. No, no. I've seen all that shit. And 10 out of 10, I don't stop. I don't stop.

Man, listen, sir, come here. Look, look at... I got to go. We can actually go out in front of a 7-Eleven with Lee right now and just pretend that he's our baby. It was all drugged up. Makes a money. Guys, please help.

us, our baby's dying. Well, he's fine. Don't get him file up. He's all right. Because when you leave, he'll put his head back, and he'll start looking around like Zambo. And he'll keep thinking how his heart's

beaten fast, then he'll play games himself. And tomorrow morning, when I call him, he'll tell me a story, how he drove himself and got a hard test because his heart was beaten out of his chest. No, no, leave him alone. Please. Don't take him nowhere. He's going to be fine. When we leave here, he's going to call Domino's.

He's probably going to get... He's going to get two pizzas, two orders of wings. Domino's pizza is better than the average, like, pizza here, right? I don't fucking know. Because this is what I do. When I go on the road, I'll order Domino's pizza before I'll just take my chance at pizza in whatever city it is. Or it's in? I don't take my chances with Domino's.

You're from fucking New York. Yeah. No, I don't fuck when Domino's in New York. You can't eat Domino's pizza. You don't understand my point of you. You got to have a stand. Yeah. Everybody represents the hood.

Represent your hood. I don't eat Domino's. Dominoes. That's it. I'd rather die than eat fucking dominoes. I don't eat dominoes. I don't eat dominoes. In a pinch? No, not acceptable. You're on the road. No, not acceptable. Two o'clock in the morning, you starve it.

Listen, I live here, and I hold that six, seven months. If I can do it, you can do it. I don't eat pizza until I get to Gotham down the corner. I hold that, though. I'm a soldier at death. Where do you eat pizza in New York? The place down the corner from Gotham. I just told you right down the fucking. What place is that?

I don't know. You know me. I don't know names. I just know I get out. I don't know. I get out and make a left. I walk 40 yards and I zip in there. They got tremendous cheese pizza. Strambole's. I eat pizza on the Jersey side.

And that's it. When I come back, now because of the baby, we go to Lowell Canyon, which ain't bad. I mean, don't go in there going, Jesus Christ,

no, no, take your chances. The other day he made a nice sausage, no, he made a nice sausage garlic slice. Very nice. He gave it to me on the house. What am I going to do?

I had it bite into it. Show him I had gratitude. I'm not a fucking asshole. Yeah, I went to pick a pizza for my daughter, and he goes, hey, take the slice try it. It's pretty fucking good. Yeah. Is your daughter doing Jiu-Jitsu?

No. She doesn't understand that concept. It would just be like throwing away money for her to jump up and down. That's something. I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, about to put my son a jit-soo, Joey. They don't comprehend it unless. Yeah, but we know what they do? My understanding.

I've talked to. Yeah, it takes time. It takes time. I know you had Mickey Gall on the show. This is fucking hilarious. We have helicopters. This is Burbank. That's TMZ.

They're looking for Lee. They know Lee hit the 3,000 market. They're looking for Lee. Lee, you're a star, baby. Lee, you're a star dog. Congratulations, Lee. Fuck to everybody.

You busted my 2800. I don't know who to think. You thank fucking Star 1 for making it possible for you to work yourself into a lean meat and marijuana eating machine. You just think Star 1.

Then you thank the Jew God for giving you life. for protecting you every day then you thank your beautiful fiancé Paula for giving you the power in the world then you thank your partner in crime Uncle Joey Diaz

who got me started on my path to being the fucking Jew monster than I am they call me anti-Holacost you're a fucking animal you understand me that's what I'm talking about Lisa and anyway

where are you going to be next soon you're here this weekend where you perform yeah yeah I'm here if you're watching live I mean, you can't come tonight, but tomorrow night I'll be at Laugh Factory. I'm going to be also at a Ha Ha Ha ha comedy club.

You'll be up here tomorrow night. Yeah, yeah, and then also Friday night, I've got two shows at the Haha. You can walk to the fucking ha-ha. Oh, really? All right, sweet. Did it Saturday night you're up here? No, no, I leave Saturday morning. Which I wish I could stay more.

I fucking let every time I, every time I fucking come to LA. No, I'm going to bring my son. Next time I come. I think I'm going to bring my son. And just because I'm doing Airbnb, which is the shit. You can't put your kid in Airbnb. No, we've got a babysitter that I'll go to the air.

You get rashes and shit. Or either way, I get a hotel. I get a hotel. Listen, I was thinking about what you do when I commend it. And it's really weird how you and a lot of people, I got three days. I got three days. I don't know how you do a week.

I would die. I used to. No, I'll do that on the road. L.A. I do a week. Because I come, you know, two, three times a year. I want to come out of night. Oh, my God. I'm not every, the other thing is like I make friends.

L.A. is the fucking shit. First of all, people that shit out of L.A., they're crazy. They're crazy. They're crazy. L.A. Comics are the fucking coolest people. You guys are all fucking super welcoming. And just like, you know, I mean, some of my favorite people in the world live out here. And now I make more friends every time I come out. So it's like, I can't come out for a few days.

I want to come out and, like, do spots. No, you're right. No, no, no. I just said I can't, you know. Yeah. I would stay here for 10 days if you could, but you miss your kid. Yeah, that's the hard part. You know, you're just fucking around, so it's kind of weird, man.

I just got a new bed. I gave up my king size for a fucking clean size. You got to do what you got to do for the time. I need it the space, brother. I need it the space. Look at Lee. He came up the bedroom for the couch. What are you going to do? Lee's a fucking animal. I'm not on the couch.

Especially tonight. He goes home, falls asleep on the couch. She comes out at 6 in the morning and goes, hmm. What a fuck you been, Lee. Like I said, next Thursday, we're at the motherfucking ice house. workout night, that's it. I'm just trying to put together a decent hour, guys. I can't do these fucking old jokes no more.

Come on out, 10 bucks, have some wings, whatever the fuck you want to eat. Then the week after that, I'm at Bray Improv. A dynamic place, you understand me. One of your original originators, that's why I used to do my once a month, the second Wednesday of the month.

I started there like in 2009, so it always feels like fucking going home. I want to thank, Number one, I told you in the beginning of the podcast, Hello Tushy is back. You're sitting there going, Joey, what the fuck is Hello Tushy? Hello Tushy is a portable bidet that you latch onto your toilet seat, and you sit on it, your pee, and then you turn this on, water sprinkles into your anus and your little private parts, and it washes nice and clean.

You wipe it down with a little portable fucking, thing. They also supply towels. You're saying, Joey, why do I need a bidet? Why? Because 9-10, you're a filthy fuck. Number two, let's not talk about you. Let's not get personal here. Hold on one second. The fucking Marines are flying by

again. It's 9.30 at night. I need this shit. Someone got me the Blue Angels, Joey. Thank you very much. I need fucking Makasuki flying over me. What I'm trying to tell you is this. He only had dad's house this weekend. He's going to be talking to you about insurance, his time in the military.

He's going to talk to you about his week, what happened. While he's walking around, just glance over with his asshole. Ask yourself, what does my father's asshole smell like? If he was, listen, I'm not saying your father's asshole stinks. I'm just asking yourself to look at everyone's assholes. And ask yourself what my father's ass must smell like. He eats sausage, you know, he does so many things that are wrong. Anyway, why take the chance, why live and doubt what your dad's assholes

think. Get them a portable fucking bidet for Father's Day. How's that for you? Boom, boom, boom. You set it up for you. Let me tell you something. Bidays are the way to go. No toilet paper. You save on trees. You got a 90-day guarantee. I mean,

badees are the way to go. I know people who bought four of them. You put them in every fucking bathroom in your house. You understand me? You know why? Because none of the tenets are going to become your new thinking tank. When you've got nothing to do, you can't take the pressures of life. You're going to go in the bathroom? You're going to turn the water on and you're going to sit there like a doctor.

You're going to spread your legs. Your ass is going to drop into the fucking toilet and you're going to have sprinkling water hitting your ass. Listen, listen, there's nothing more meditative than that. You could take 19 foot like that dude. They got the United Settlement. They beat up, Don King. What's the Chinese guy's name?

Got beat up on United Flight. Dr. Wong is a uncle and soul settlement. He's in Hong Kong right now. Dr. Wong is in Hong Kong right now. as we speak he's getting a foot rug he's got a thong on he's got little Chinese chicks just going like this to his shoulders

they're just giving him little karate chops he's smoking fucking opium he's living like a doctor Joey what's your point I have no idea my point is Hello pushy.com cocksuckers that's my point whether it's your father

your mother your grandmother's assholes stinks somebody in your family needs a portable bidet in their house and this is your take this is your chance to get this fucking bidet. Go to hellotushy.com. Take a look at the beautiful bidet Dave Design.

Go on there and press in. Church. Bam, on the way out and get 10% delivered to your house. Who's better than you? You're going to feel confident. You're not going to have fucking skank ass no more. You're going to be able to go out

and let people sniff your asshole when you're in a bar? You've ever been in a bar? And somebody offers to sniff your asshole. And it's like a game of jeopardy. You're sitting there confused for eight minutes. You don't know if you're wiped. You don't know if you're scratched.

No more. No more. Before you leave, you're sitting on your Hello Tushy while it sprinkles your anus out of fucking all the fungus and everything that can grow in there. Bam, you're meditating, you're getting your thoughts together, and you're out for the night, you understand me? And listen, if you're gay, we're gay friendly, we don't fuck around here.

Hellotushy.com. Go to the box on the checkout and press in. Church. Boom. C-H-U-R-C-H and get $10 delivered to your house. I love you, my mom. the fuck to see you Monday or Sunday we haven't made up our mind

once again hellotushy.com and I also want to thank Audit the best supplements out there in the market they're really going to help you out. Alpha brand if you don't like it you get your money back and we don't even want the fucking product who's better than us? Again I want to thank honor dot com slash church

and I want to thank hellotushy dot com slash church. Have a great weekend. Thank you Louis Gomez thank you Lisa Ayette. Thank you congratulations for breaking the record. All right, thank you. Thank you to everyone. All right. Turn the fucking thing off, where you? Oh, you gotta bother me for a night.

You're gonna be a man. All of a sudden, you won the Academy Awards. Where's the music? I said, at least get a trophy. Where's the music? No trophy. You want a trophy? I'll give you a trophy. Where's the music? Oh shit. Thank you for listening.

Not a second. Congratulations, we love you, buddy.