The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #485 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 29, 2017

 Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.    Blue Apron - Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 05/28/2017.    

The church is brought to you by audit.com. For the best supplements, period. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church and get 10% off. The church is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. You could cook meals in 30 minutes or less.

This week's menus are warm smoked trout, spice zucchini enchiladas. He lorte's style vegetable toasters with summer squires. and the list is endless. You understand me? Do me a favor right now. Go to blue apron.com slash Joey and you're going to get your first three meals for free with free shipping.

By going to blue apron. com slash Joey, I'm going to get your first three meals for free with free shipping. The podcast is also brought to you by Lyft. Let me explain some to you. When you drive for the right, ride sharing app, every trip can feel like a walk in the park. With Lyft, you can pick your own hours,

and work when you want, Lyft can make driving the best job in the world. So do me a favor. Join the number one ride-sharing company that believes in treating its people right. Go to Lyft.com slash Joey today and we'll get you a $500 new driver bonus. That's Lyft.com slash Joey today.

And limited time terms apply. But I'll get your $5.00 new bonus ride today. Kick this me, Lee. Oh shit It's Memorial Day Bitches and Uncle Joey And his little Jewish cousins Showed up

Ain't that a bitch We showed up with Reefer Barbecue fucking everything And here we are Out of respect For Greg Allman As good as it gets in my fucking world

Dirty Dangerous Balls That's what the church is all about Bitches Here we go Kick it and leave I want the speakers

to light themselves on firely drummers, two guitarists that were savages and this fucking smooth motherfucker here we go stop it kick that fucking mule

happy Monday bitches Uncle Joey here we showed up because you're going to need us the most on a fucking Monday everybody else is grilling and doing what the fuck they're doing we showed up to have a little party here all right P, great,

go home and you know what man it's crazy because you don't even finish more than one guy and somebody else fucking dies on you it's been like that for the last fucking year you know what saying like you're still in the heat over fucking prince and this guy dies and mary tyler more dies and this is your childhood these are the people you know when i came from cub i watched mary tallymore every fucking day on tv so when she died a couple weeks ago that i shed a tear i mean i i didn't send flowers or anything but i was kind of upset because you fucking know him, well, at least you think you know him. You know, you've been watching him. Chris Cornell killed me last week, guys. I can't even tell you, the first, like, a couple days later, when I put his music on

in my office, and I'm doing shit, and I'm like, Jesus, you know, this is amazing, this guy's gone. And now Greg Orman, I mean, he was 69, you know, I'm not sure if he was touring. I know he was an old folks home or something, but these are the guys that fucking, you know, especially this guy, he let me know I was all right, you know? When I listened to the oldman, brother, he's a lot. I feel like stabbing somebody. I feel like I'm fucking dangerous myself. But anyway, it's, I'm great to be here. Lysayat, what's happening?

I had a great weekend. I went to a minor league baseball game. They made fun of me before. I did something weird today. I went swimming. I took swimming classes as a kid, and I know I physically know how to swim, but I could only do like one length at a time.

And I was out of breath. I ended up doing five. But it took me like 30 minutes. I'd take breaks. And my legs almost collapsed in the pool. I've never been that sore immediately during a workout. You know, with swimming, it's all form. And that's what people don't realize.

With everything, when you really come to think about it, it's so much form. But swimming, like lift, like power lifting, it's all a form where you're going to hurt yourself. I always tell people if you get into power lifting or kettlebells, do it the first time. But somebody who really knows them and could watch you. You don't hurt yourself because once you hurt yourself with those, with swimming, I did the same thing. I was going to get locked up. I wanted to be in the best shape I could be in. Right.

And I went to a fucking swimming class and I thought I knew what I knew and I didn't know dick. And it took like six weeks to reteach me how your legs have to be straight. Your hips have to be up a little bit because your legs have to be on top of the wall. These are all things that require strength. And you have to develop that strength over time. So it's not going to happen in one day. I have the same weakness on the front. My left doesn't barely go up.

My right goes up like a champ, but my left is like a little. You have to get a kickboard, a paddleboard, and hold on to it. Okay. And just do 20 minutes of kicking. I was thinking about that, just in the lane, up and down the lane. That's it. That's what they're going to give you in that class for the first two weeks. Just going to kick for 20 and then put the fucking buoy between your legs and pull and pull and pull and pull and do all this shit and work on the mechanics.

because the mechanics of the swim, when you raise your right hand, it's not that you raise your head and toughen your neck muscles. That's not what they want you to do. They want you to stay loose in the water. Okay, so as you're swimming, boom, the left goes over,

but when the right goes over, you turn with the right, not pick up, but turn with the right, and then exhale as you go in, you have two exhales, and then pull up. Again, and that's all on mechanics that you have to work. It's a...

So you have to work your upper body. Right. And then you have to work your lower body and then put them together. And the breathing. And the breathing. And like that's, that's, like, that was one of your main reasons for starting juditsu. And like, I'm just realizing now with everything, every workout that I've ever done, breathing has always been an issue. Breathing controls everything.

Dr. Belief spoke about it. Boss Rutan speaks about it. Alberto Crane speaks about it. Higin Machado speaks about it. The other... The Gracie speaks about it with the kind of yoga with the drum that the Santa Claus looking motherfucker teaches, the flame of death, the breath of death and all that stuff. They all talk about how breathing controls everything because when you get scared right away, your breathing goes up and you can't control your breathing. If you control your breathing, you control everything.

And that's what I wanted to force myself to do when I walked in those doors. Well, I found out I had the deficiency, and it really bothered me. So I wanted to work on that. How to get the most out of each breath? When I do the drill classes over there, I usually work on my breathing. Like each movement, I think about it. I don't just drill. I move to how I want to breathe, so I practice it.

Is there like a breathing technique? Like when you move a limb, do you breathe a certain way? You breathe, your hip escape, you know, a certain thing. So I always work on my breathing to get the most out of my breathing so my body gets used to it. Breathing is everything. And with swimming, your body has to be non-muscular. Your body has to be soft because the harder your body is, the harder it is going to be to breathe like anything else. So if your shoulders are tight, it's going to be hard to breathe.

So your body has to really be like spaghetti. If you look at the good swimmers, sit there and look at the good swimmers that go back and forth, they're not even breathing heavy because their muscles are very relaxed. You don't think they're doing anything, but they're actually pulling. Their technique is so good. You know, when you do a breaststroke, like this one here, when your hand goes down, it goes down like a missile. Okay. Your hand's just not going down.

Your hand's going in like a missile, and you're pulling that water. So when you're going down, look how your water goes. Look how your hand goes. And I'm sure I'm not doing that. You're pushing. So all these little things, but that all comes from practice. Right. You can't just watch it on TV and jump in the fucking water.

And then they teach you the mechanics of it. And then you'll see how your oxygen doubles in the pool. Once you get over that hurdle, you'll go, holy shit. Micacardioteo, no, no, no. You just cleaned up all the fat off the fucking steak. You just took all the fat of movement. You were wasting movement. That's all swimming is.

and using, I guess, your power so you don't have to do as many strokes. Is that it? You're breathing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're cupping your hand a certain way. So when your hand goes into the water, it's actually going through the water,

and as you're going, you're pulling. So all those movements are working together. At the same time, your feet are kicking. Your feet are kicking the whole time. This is why swimming is two parts. This is why they'll break it down into two parts for you. They'll break it down to the lower part where you just go in there and pull.

Just pull for fucking 20 minutes. For the first week, if they know anything about anything, they'll just have you hold on to the wall and kick. For a whole week? For a whole fucking week. Just so you learn how to float. Your body will automatically teach itself how to float above so your hips will be a certain way

so you'll kick naturally. Because that's going to be the clinke. You'll see that all of a sudden your ass will, for you to kick naturally how they want you to kick, your knees have to be slightly bent, just slightly. But the whole time you're kicking, and it's slightly bent. You're not splashing. You're kicking. Big difference.

You're not going shh, ch, ch, ch. Right. A lot of people do the ch, ch, ch, ch. Oh, yeah. But they've been doing it for 20 fucking years. Okay. That's their style. You know, you're just moving.

through the water. When you see a shark move, one of those things, they're not moving with all this water against water. They're moving with the water. And that's what you become. You become like you're moving with the water. Yeah, especially if I'm so big, it's hard to move that much. And all I kept thinking about was how amazing, like when you hear about like the Diaz brothers who do triathlons where they have to run, bike, and swim. It's tremendous. I can't even. It's tremendous. Before I got locked up, let me tell you something. When I got sentenced, They asked to see if I could, they asked to see if I could get a continuance and if I could stay out a few days. And the main thing I was going to do was go apologize to that swim teacher.

Because I just stopped going to a class the day I got sentenced. I went to that class for about nine months before I got sentenced. Wow. And I went to that class in the winter. Like I joined that class like in August and I stuck it out. all through the fucking winter when it snowed

I would still go How many days a week Were you swimming? Three Wow Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays And then that summer

I got sentenced August 15 But that July I did my first By athlete event No way Where I had to ride a bicycle For two miles

Which is nothing Right And had to swim for a mile And I can't lie I didn't finish the mile swim That's I don't even I can't

He was my first one, so I wasn't really prepared for it. I didn't know you had a, I didn't know the nutrition part of it. Just nutrition part of it. I got knots in my stomach and that's it, you know, but it was interesting. I didn't finish it, but it was interesting. Yeah, I can't even know, like, I could barely do a length. I don't even know what a mile is. But that took nine months to accomplish.

I was always riding my bike. My ex-wife had a, what do you call those big bikes with the ties, a beach? Mountain bike? Oh, okay. Yeah. Beach coma. I always had a beach coma for some reason, and I always wrote it to Hertzen back. They had, they really had a bike trail that you had to obey, and it was off the car lane. So I didn't mind riding my bicycle to Hertzen back there, because it was not on the street. And you'd ride it even in the snow? Oh, on the snow, they picked me out. Oh, okay. They picked me up. Jesus. That's, uh, yeah, so I'm just having fun doing it. There's no, I'm just trying to do different things. We're talking about, you know, how it took me 50 fucking years to learn this, but everybody's body's different and everything works differently for everybody.

Yoga might not work for you, but it works for me. Pilates might work for you. You know, that's what's great about this. That's why I love Groupon. Because if you're interested in something, you could always just go to Groupon for $30. You spend $30 on beers. Easily, yeah. You know, what's 30 bucks on?

You want, try it. Try the fucking place. If it doesn't work for you, you move the fuck on. What have you tried? Have you tried to look at that? I know you did some jiu-jitsu's on there. From Groupon, I did a couple of jihisos. I went to a cupping thing when Dr. Amy was out of the country.

I went to a cup. I took a cupping from there. No needles, just cupping. What does that do? I've seen that around. Cpping is good for your bow. blood like it moves your blood to your circulation yeah I keep seeing everyone doing that the tape and then I did something else I got my toenail burnt from whatever or you get the

fucking you get the blow torch to kill the fungus in your nail up in Sherman Oaks I got it I got it through there for Christmas I showed my wife and she got it for me I get a lot of stuff from Groupon a lot of stuff you know I can't remember I got that one The first time I went to Higin, I got it from Groupon. It was like 10 sessions for 30 bucks. He wants fucking, he wants like 250 a class. Right. Oh, yeah.

So I got Group on. I don't give a fuck. I have no shame. No, no, no, that's what it's for for people to try your thing. You put it on there. And let me tell you some. They have restaurants on there. They got a ton of stuff on there.

Tons. You could go on Groupon for fucking hours if you want it. There's actually a thing. It's funny that you said restaurants. There's thing like some girls like, Oh, I won't, I don't like it when I won't go on a date with a guy if he brings like a Groupon to a restaurant. I can't imagine.

Well, I would never take a date to a Groupon anyway. I'm talking about if you and me are going to go eat something, I'll go on Groupon and go, what the fuck? You have you been there, Lee? No. Me neither. All my friends say is good, but it's expensive. And I got a Groupon if you go Tuesday and Thursday between six and eight.

That means they're dead. That means they want you in there. Right. But you wouldn't do it for a date? Why not? No, because you don't want to, you know, you want to look like your friends. fucking, you're not a cheap fuck. There's little things that people do that make you look like a cheap fuck that will drive a

woman crazy. A woman wants security, and here you want to play it cheap on her security in the beginning. There's no cheapness in security in the beginning. In the beginning, if the tab is 20, you're leaving a $10 tip because you're trying to impress this woman or even a $5 tip. You know, it shows that you care. It shows that you're cool with women. I'm a big tipper, but when I was broke, yeah, I don't know, I don't, I guess I didn't see a problem with it.

You don't want to take a fucking coupon on your first fucking date or your first two dates. Yeah, maybe not the first date, I guess you say it tied to the table. You know what, man, I've been saying, and then crack a joke. Like, well, I've been single for so long, I've been eating coupon dinners. And she's like, oh, my God, so have I. Maybe you should get a coupon for two. Yes, let's do it and beat the system. Okay.

Now you found yourself a half a month, just like you. That's going to go out and torment fucking waiters. Because even if you get a group on, at a restaurant, I always leave the tip to make up the difference. Oh, and like what it would have cost? Yeah, like you try to leave the tip to make up the difference. Yeah, that's why I always feel bad for, like, Denny's waiters. Because at most, the tip, is going to be $4 or $5.

So I have no idea how they make money. Denny's? Let me tell you something. Those waiters are Denny's over here up the corner. Right. How many times have you been in that, Dennis? 20 times. Okay, and one thing and another said it's all the same waiters.

Yeah. In the last five years that you've been going in there. To be honest, six of those waiters have been there longer than 10 years. You know why, Lee? They make money there. I mean, over that. You think so? I know so.

My friend Jesse works over there. He's been there for years. He goes to more Laker games in one season that you and I have been here. How do you think he does on a waiter's salary? They get paid at Denny's. They get tips, plus it's high fucking volume. I guess. It's high volume.

It's a lot of work. A lot of work. But they make bank over there. The one Spanish girl with all the teeth, she's been there 20 years. The chubby Japanese girl, that's very sweet, she's been there for 20 years. Jesse's been there for like 11. It's a fucking really weird thing. They went there, they put their fucking sunglasses on, their eye shun.

and they blocked out all the bullshit and they outlasted all the fucking people who went through there. You know, I went to buy a car last week and I went to Subaru and I brought my car up there and I traded it in the lease and I got the new CrossFit,

whatever the fuck it's called. I got a little back now to put my daughter's toys back there. I can put my jihitsu bag in there that doesn't leave. I don't have to put it in the back seat and it smells smelly or whatever. But while I was at the Subaru place, fuck, I forgot what I was going to tell you.

Just loyalty, I think. Customer will, like a relationship. Oh, with the Subaru place. And it's my sick car that I've gotten from them. So it's a real fucking fast deal. Like, it's really fast. But when I was sitting there, Jesus Christ, I got to stop smoking pot with you. I'm a bad influence. I'm sorry.

Jesus Christ. I hate this shit when you're mind. And then the thoughts right there, and all of a sudden you look up and the thought just fucking disappears. You know what I'm saying? I deal with it three times a day with this stuff. It just goes immediately with weed. It's amazing how it can be there for eight minutes. And then as soon as you want to say it, it's gone.

Deanna, I was thinking of a joke in the middle of the night. I went to a ride and I fucking forgot. From my bedroom to the office, I forgot the fucking joke. I sat in the hallway for 10 minutes in shock. I go, I remember all the dumb shit in my life. but I can't remember a good joke I read and I wrote it, took the mask off ushered it to myself three fucking times

walked into the fucking living room so on my sneakers down I go damn I gotta move these things because I don't want the baby to fall on them Oh no? When the time I got to the fucking office I forgot the goddamn joke Motherfucker Is right

Do you have to keep a pad in your bedroom now or something? Well I got no lights in there So I can't turn the fucking light on and wake my wife up in Della hole Hold on one second. I just thought of a fucking stupid joke or some shit like that because she wouldn't fly. No, she wouldn't fucking fly.

That makes sense. So anyways, you Subaru? Huh? Subaru. I like it. It's a great car. I'm happy I got it. Fuck, I forgot what the fuck the train of thought was all together.

Okay. You know, I was thinking about when I started selling cars, like the girl who gave me the car and shit like that. There's times I'm like, fuck comedy, fuck the podcast. I'm going to quit all this shit. and get a job selling Subaru's and I'm like, I better rethink that shit.

You know, they sell cars up there, but it's not what it used to. People come in there, they know the prices, they know the homework. The consumer is fucking educated than ever now with the internet. If people are smart, they go on the internet and get the payments they want with the down payment. I mean, it's a complete different game. So you have to sell volume also. You know, the only thing that you make money with is they use cars, because a used car is what you'll pay for it.

That's pretty much the basic with the used car. Oh, okay. That's what I'll make you pay for it. That's why we use cars is no addendum. There's always $4,000 in that price when we're tagged. If you really think about it, you could really rock with a used car. But if a dealer is good, they'll take a used car. They'll buy it over book because it's clean.

Then they'll put $500 into the car to make it look brand new. So they've got some money in the fucking car sometimes. So you really never know. I was shocked just as someone buying a car that there's really not like a price difference between used and new now. It just depends on what level you want to go. I've been on some lots where they use cars

were more expensive than the new car. How does that happen? Because they have to put a profit on it and the people don't even look but they'll say that you know what? It's 17. Let's say there's a new... Let's say there's a new Nissan something for $15, $9.99 sticker.

I've been to use car lots with that same car a year earlier. It's like the model from the year before that was a demo. Right. And now they're asking $1,000 more

than that car. Because that's how they trick you. They say, do you see, we had to pay more for this one, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then they'll get you to get. Can you imagine

if somebody comes in and pays $15,9,99 for that car the year before? Do you follow me? So there's a lot of profit in that car. They stole that car. It's a demo. It's got miles on it and the whole goddamn thing. Oh, okay.

So is it a scam, really? It's not a scam. It's just a psychological move. I went to, like, a scummy, we used car dealer. My first car. It was like an abandoned lot with a trailer in it. And my car, it was terrible. It was a $2,000 car.

Oh, yeah. Buy here, pay here. Yeah, exactly. You have to show up every Friday. make a payment and shit and hopefully they won't take your car back no i just paid it all in cash you know what man sales me that those call outs make a lot of money i used to make a lot of money i worked at one of those i got fired after three weeks but those three weeks i was there i made like fucking four grand or something jesus have you seen that video that i don't know where it is it's this

black guy who's running a car lot but it's like all beaters cars he's like i don't want to hear about the radiator in three weeks i don't care about this like it's a it's a Just listen, you're buying a car. Some people want a car for $800. What do you think $800 gets you in a car? Get your fucking two seats, a broken glass, and a headlight with fucking tape on it. But that's what you could afford,

and that's what you need. You just need a car to get your back and forth. When I first started comedy on the triple runs, I got myself a dots in B-2-10 with air conditioning, an AMF and cassette. I don't need power windows. I don't need no of that shit. I just need four tires and four brakes.

Isn't that the one that the body split in half, though? A couple of times. A couple of things happened to that car. I guess that's what happens. How much fun did you have driving all over the country? I mean, I know you were working, and I know you were probably broke, but it just seems like so much fun

just to get to, like, drive around the country. We talked about this on the show a few weeks ago. I'm very fortunate that I got to know every nook and cranny. You have no idea when you drive 70% of it. Like you figure... You really get to see the country. You get to see different people. You get to eat different fucking foods.

Some of the just got awful and some that are just tremendous for dirt cheap. You get to meet personalities, you know, in different places. I've been to Army bases. I think it was fantastic. Do I remember 90% of the... the people I met? No. No. There's times I think of certain people that I met and I go,

I wonder where the fuck they are now, you know? And those 20, those, those from 94 to, you know, 98, that was an adventure comedy. I look at it now

when I make outlines to write the book and shit, and I'm like, I'm pretty fucking weird how I stuck it out those years. You don't think most comics would stick being on the road for four straight years out? It wasn't that I was on the road. Had nothing to do with the road. It was what I was doing while I was on the road.

What I was going through, the divorce, being homeless, being in prison. I was in jail, not prison. I was in county jail in Seattle for a month. That pissed off a few people. You know, they made a few people stop hanging out with me. A few people stopped looking at me as a comedian. You know, most people would have given up. I was like, I don't give a fuck.

It's just a bump in the root. I knew other comics that had their problems. You know, I knew a lot of other comics that had problems also, and that made me feel like I was all right. Like I wasn't, you know, at that time, it wasn't like today. There's no comics who have problems. There's nobody who's got an alcoholism problem. There's nobody you read about it in the paper anymore that gets arrested.

There's nothing like that. Artie Lang got arrested a few weeks ago, but that's, no. Before that, he had been fined. for years. I'm talking about, you know, when I got into a comedy, there was five guys on the road that every week you wouldn't know if they were going to show up or not. Really? And they could get booked?

Yeah, they were selling tickets, but they were drunks or druggies or both. You know, you didn't know if these guys, you knew if they were going to show up Thursday, but if they go out Thursday night and get fucked up, you didn't know if there was going to be a show on Friday. there was five or six of those good fucking guys and I would feed you for some of them and I would be on that party train with them you know what I'm saying I knew what they were doing

and they knew what I was doing did you have like someone who put you through training or were you already your taunt, I don't know but your taunts already through the roof like when you started like really touring with comedy like did someone was there one comic who would do more coke with you or I don't know

You know, if you sit down, and I'm telling you people this just so you know, and so you know, Lee, there's not a lot of people that did cook with me those days, because I didn't like doing it out. By that time, you were already doing it at home? I was going home. I'd go home. I'd do two bumps, maybe a bump if you were driving, and I'd keep it cool until I got home. You know, I got home. I got high with Tom Rhodes a few times in Houston, until 11. late in the middle of the night.

You know, I got high at coaching horses a couple nights with Josh Wolf. Josh Wolf and I, you know, Josh Wolf saw me at my worst situations. You know, he saw me a couple times at six in the morning and this shit like that. But headliners, I would get it with them, do a bump with them, and then they would go their way and I would go mine. Fuck. Was that, was it lonely or are you just prefer? No, that's how I preferred it. I didn't want to go out around 10 people anyway, because I could.

and take the music, doing the Coke, talking to people, listening. You got cotton mouth. People want to ask you questions. People want to get political. There was a phase. And there was something, like even Houston. Like I used to go to Houston, Texas, and just go crazy for two weeks. Like, if I was going to die, I would have died in Houston.

I would have died in Beaumont. I would have died in Miami. I would have died in Austin. There was a lot of cities I went to purposely with the, in Texas. tent to get high. Not even on the, like, the comedy of the second grade? Here's the craziest thing of all. Until the age of maybe 32 or 33, when I started comedy, you know, something came out this

week that was really weird that I had a feeling about. Not that, I'm not going to sit here and tell you how to feeling about, but if I heard it, it wouldn't have shocked me. Well, Wednesday morning, I woke up and they said that. TMZ reported that Chris Cornell had needle marks on his arm You know his wife said he was slurring You know he went up to Detroit They got that heroin up there that's killing motherfuckers

You know Maybe he was on the road for a few days You know remember you have to get highway Three days in a row on heroin to get hooked Oh I didn't know that Yeah it's like a couple days or something like that. I don't know what the real number is,

and maybe he had hit that number, or he had hit a few days in a row, and now, you know, you never know. I don't know. But I was thinking about my behavior at the time that I went to prison and for two or three years after I got out of prison. And it was years even after that,

and it was that every time things got good, I put a roadblock upon myself and fucked them up. Like, every time I was, on the road to something good, I would fuck myself out. You know, it's like a, it's a continuing inner thing that people have that they don't even know

they're doing. They don't even know they're doing. They just do something to fuck it up. And when somebody gives you an opportunity, for three weeks, you're good, and then one week you snap and you fuck it up, you crash the car, you go to jail, you know. Heroin seems like

the one that, like, just, it doesn't matter. I get, like, I was just thinking of Philip Seymour Hoffman. Like, it just, these people, like, I don't know, you don't assume that the people, the stars of, of, the movies, and the biggest singer ever, or one of them is going to be on heroin. It just doesn't seem, I don't know, because I think what you're saying, how, like, when you were growing up, musicians were on heroin, I don't know as many are today. You don't think, I don't think. You know, there's a lot of explanations. As people are just misguided.

and then there's people who really have a pain and listen nobody more than me understands that pain but you know what to chase that pain your whole life like I was fucking hooked

on coke man I had a fucking bad problem you know and what I'm saying this is because my mind was hooked okay and for people who listen to the podcast and know what I'm talking about you understand when your mind is hooked when 65% of your thought process is about getting high

or who you're going to get high with or what broad you're going to take home and eat her ass when you got coke rocks and it's just ridiculous it's just ridiculous but that's what i mean was i doing it the daytime no was i doing it before comedy shows no but at night i was five nights a week i didn't know how much i was going to do it was always a different number some nights i'd do a gram and go to bed but I never really had control of it I you know I wanted to fucking stop I stopped I don't know how there's a thousand fucking explanations

but right now I'm gonna be sober from cocaine 10 years and look at all the good things that have happened in 10 years if it wasn't for mercy I think in like three years I would go on the road one night

meet some chicken do a couple lines and fucking end up fucking jacked up no you think that Yeah, yeah, I know for a fact, because it's human nature. It's human nature. Not that I've ever thought I have this animal controlled, I don't even think about it that way. When I gave up cocaine, I gave up cocaine.

I gave up cocaine. I gave up everything that came with it. I gave it up. There's no itching for it. There's no, what would it be like if I went to a bar and got a package? I just don't have that thought. There's only one person who can make me relapse, and that's Kate Quigley, and even then I'd think twice.

if Kate Quigley put a Coke rock on her asshole, I'd have to fucking play dice. You'd have to call your sponsor? I'd have to roll the dice one time. No. It's just weird that I don't even think that way. But there's people.

So everything was going great for Chris Cornell. Everything was going great. A family, a great music career. His artistry level was at an all-time fucking high. You know, I used to, you know, I saw this. documentary one time about Sam Kennison. The explanation they had was

that you're so high when you get off stage, that you still want that high. That's why you continue to fucking do drugs. You know, with Philip Seymour Hoffman and all those guys, listen, you live right there in the East Village, wherever the fuck you're living in New York, and that shit surrounds that area.

You know, when Louis Gomez was here at the end of that, I spoke about heroin. He looked at me in shock. As a child, I was always very scared of heroin. I grew up with a personal connection to hate fucking heroin for some reason or another. So, to me, it was something that you shot in your body, but I really wanted nothing to do with.

Can't even imagine the needle part of it. And then over the fucking years, you know, once I snorted T.H.C. Crystal, a.k.a. Angel Dust. I broke my moral cord that I had with myself. It was okay to do acid. It was okay to do mescaline. It was okay to smoke pot. It was okay to drink. But I was going to put nothing on my nose.

Once I put TAT crystal up my nose when I was 15 years old, I broke my spirit. Like that broke that spirit. Even though I hated cocaine, cocaine was going to follow. my mother died maybe a week or two after I tried cocaine. The funny thing is when I was sick yesterday, I was forced to watch TV. Okay. And I realized how bad different TV was, but I watched the last 24 hours of Whitney Houston's daughter, you know, the autopsy. And I was thinking about what they were saying.

And listen, when your mother is the biggest thing in the world to you, which mothers always are. mind her being Whitney Houston and taking you around the world and your and that sibling dies. You have a huge hole in your soul for years and for there's a little time period deep in your psyche that you wish you were dead. The biggest thing in your life is dead. How do I know from personal experience? You know, when I was 17, I went to a party and I ate some glutes and drank and snorted some coke and I really fucking went deep. The people woke me up and they couldn't. They kept thinking they were going to call the ambulance, you know.

And I always think of that, that specific night, how I woke up from that night. I go, maybe I was telling myself a message because at that time in my life, I was living my life. I was enjoying myself around my friends. But I was fucking hurting, man. I was fucking hurting. Same thing with Chris Cornell. It's always the outside. It looks great.

I was hurting. I mean, I was dying inside. By that time, I was going home at night. and before I would go to where I was staying, I would walk up to my old house and just look at the windows and see if maybe she went home and she didn't call me.

It was just a psychological fucking fight that I was doing. Nobody understands unless you've been through this, you know. So I was looking at this fucking Whitney Houston's daughter, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, I was there. You know, I had that hole in my heart. I'm just very lucky that, you know, I didn't... But, you know, One of the best times in my life was,

one of the best and worst times in my life was after my mother died. The best? Well, I got to really experience people. I was learning something that most people don't learn to their way out of high school and maybe in college. And when my mother died, I started experiencing people, you know, at the lowest common denominator. Like, these were people that, uh, were my, friends and now they've become my brothers.

And I was having a great time hanging out with Didi Kuntaro at that time. At that time, you know, it started at school and we walked home together or he went to wrestling practice and I went home and hung out and did what I did and put money together

to get a package that night. And I team up with him about 7.7.30 and we'd fucking go out and do something mischievous every night. We always listen, three, four nights a week, me him made money. At 15? At 15. And he was

maybe 14. When I was 16, maybe he was 14. Did he both have shifts at the local grocery store? No, no, no, no. Nobody had a job here either. We would do whatever we could. We would help his brother with a fucking stealing tires. We would, you know, we did something.

We looked out for the devil. You know, we would go do something with Mike Denny, and we'd look out down by the ships. Me and him always did fucking something. You were a lookout duo? Like you would be like a team? We were a team and he didn't give a fuck. He did anything

Deedie. We were robbing Freekey Freddie. We were fucking we were robbing Jay Horan's son of fucking cans of tomato paste and selling them for the small nickel, like $20 for the case. It was 80, brand new. I mean, you know, but listen, five cases

100 fucking bucks. That was a gram of Coke and fucking a six-pack in those days. Do you understand? Man, we could do that every day at that age. So you could go to one of your neighbor's houses and knock on the door and be like, hey, Mrs. So we have tomato paste. No, no, no.

Jay Haring's son was down the corner from Herman, the Spick Store. All right. Herman and his wife ran the bodega. He used to make Cuban steak sandwiches out of there all day long on a grill in 1975. But in 1979, I would go to Jay Haren's son, and I had worked at J.R. I worked at Jay Harnson for like six months. Jay Harnson was a warehouse and half of it was frozen. And then I worked on that white rose for a while.

White Rose, it was all frozen. Frozen food? Frozen food. How much ice cream did you steal? None. A seafood, bitch. Oh, okay. Why take the ice cream when you got the lobster tails in the back?

See, the amateur Jew goes for the fucking amateur shit. Why take pennies and you could take dollars? Fair enough. I didn't know there were Steve. There was two of them that I was aware. There was Jay Horan's son, which was in North Berger, in New Jersey, and that was, I started, I started there my sophomore year. I didn't play football. I was going to play basketball, and there was an opening there,

they paid $6.50 an hour, and it was just picking orders, and then loading them on the truck. It was me, Louis de Nigger, Dave Ruiz, Chuckie McBrine. It was our whole McKinley. all went there after school and they signed all of us. Like my whole little crew from McKinley because we all live close to there.

And I'll never forget that I had a crew of 15 year old loading trucks. Oh, it was a bunch of us. And they had two brothers, Gary and something else. And it was me, John Bender. A bunch of us worked in Gary Horne's son. And I'll never forget that one afternoon

I went there stoned. And I had a, what's these things when you push him? A handcart. Yeah, a handker. car. And what you do is you go up to the boxes and you pull the boxes out and then you pull the boxes over and put the hand card in. Right. And you push it to the trucks and then there'd be

somebody right there in the truck and they'd hold on to the thing while you pull the hand cart. Fair enough. Yeah. So you could get it out with the boxes. So you could get out with the boxes. So I would load the trucks when you go, go get, you know, 10 cases of tomato paste or 10 cases of whatever. It was all

restaurant supplies, but in metal things. You know, like these things. There was four in a case. Okay. So do you understand me? They would have all this in the cases. Then they would have the freezer thing where you needed clearance to go in there.

That's where you're fried shrimp or that's where all those little foods you like were. Oh, the dumplings. The dumplings, all that type of shit were in there. So one day it's about, we used to work four to nine. That's it? Five hours. When you're in fucking high school? I guess when you're lifting stuff too is going to be hard work.

Yeah, so fucking $30 times. That's five. That's $150 a fucking week. That's $600 a month. You were living like a doctor in high school off of that money. I lasted like, I don't know, a couple days. That's when I was spitting blood. They put me in the hospital.

But let me get to my fucking story here. I'm taking the card in. I got the four cases of whatever that's heavy. I'm pushing it to the truck. Boom. I hit the lump. I get on the truck. The guy comes over.

In this case, it's flu. Hernandez, aka Louis the nigger, he comes over. I put the cart down, and we can't get the thing out. I'll never forget this. Louis had an afro. So Louis put his, Louis went to pull the cart, and he had his head in the thing, and the cases fell back. And the cart and his head got stuck.

But here's the beauty. When I got Louis out of there, you can see the imprint in his afro from where the metal had gone through all the way. So his afro was from here. from his ear to maybe on top of his ear and then it was like three inches. It was fucking classic. He couldn't write this.

He looked at me and said, what happened? I mean, the thing just locked. I mean, I thought he was dead. Jesus. He lived. I laughed because you know me. I'm a sick fuck.

It's amazing that this place ever recovered from having you guys worked there. All those guys worked there for years. I went into the hospital and then when I got back, my job was filled. So I got pissed off. But I knew that, They did something weird.

They would stock the morning people. If they ran out of work, they would stock the dock with early orders. So when the truck pulled up, all they had to do was roll those in. They already had the paperwork on the board right next to the truck. So I knew this. So I knew that if you went there at 132, Oh my God There was always cases

On the thing Me and Dedy used to cause havoc In that name But you understand me We knew all the ends Announced to all the places Did you ever still like an entire restaurant's order For the day?

Like how much did he take? I don't know Lee I don't know In those days it was like Fresh produce and shit We would clip two, three boxes And we'd run them right up the corner To the Spick store

He would give us an envelope We'd throw in two steak sandwich which is and two sodas. And that was it. And we took that money and we ran. That was our own private neighborhood there. There was a couple drug dealers we nailed. There was an appliance store that we had clipped one time because they left their

fucking warehouse shit in the back. How dare they? All those little businesses were always in danger around there. Fifteen years old, you were like a duo of death. There was a guy that would give us money. I wanted to bring him sawdust every week. What? Because he had a transmission shop.

So he would give us 50 a week. Not only did we steal, but we hustled too. Where do you steal sawdust from? The lumberyard. We go to lumberyard and just tell him we want fucking sawdust. Come on, Lee. You got to be fucking creative here. But that's what me and him did.

Him and I, I don't know how he did it. Till this day, no car. No car. Everything was done on foot. Everything was done on foot. How? We were kids. Don't even fucking ask me. But the classic story was,

it was the summer of 80. It was the summer of 1980. It's fucking hotter than hell. Me and D.D. are hanging out. And you know what? By the summer of 80, the realization that my mother was dead, it was now a realization.

It was like nine or ten months. And every night the sadness would come over me a little bit more every night, you know, like just in a weird way. And one of the stories I told on Ari, which turned out to be a funny story and some people got pissed off at me, but it was a very true story, was that, you know, like me and Dee Dee were this team that we hustled so much. And in those days, we weren't really like house burglars at all. We never would even dream or rob in somebody's house. But if there was a job, we'd be a job, drug guy, we would rob their house

or trying to pull something kinky. But like I said, me and Dedy always had our eyes open. And one day we were walking down the fucking street. Walking down the fucking street. Like, you can't like, what are we going to do for cash? I don't fucking know. What do you think?

I don't know. And also I'm like, what is that crate right there? And we just walked up to it. Like, it could have been anybody's crate. We just walked up to it. And there was like an Ottoman in there, whatever people called it. Autobon. Autobon. chair? No, no, no, no. Like a thing that you put dishes in and shit. Oh, okay. Like, I'm war or something? I'm war on whatever the

fuck it is. And there was no bottom piece for it. And me and Dee looked at them like, what the fuck? This is nice. And we're like, who the fuck would buy this? What are we going to do with it? Where are we going to take this? Do we take this back to the benders? Do we take this to your house? I mean, either way, we're fucking hoofing. It's a three-block walk either fucking way. And I look up the fucking corner and that dude

Gunter Brown was there. And this was right down the block. We found this in the alleyway of Jay Harmon's son pretty much. Like that was a truck area. And it just fell off the back of the truck? Like no, no, no. That was also a place where they did elevators.

Like an elevator tool and die company was there or some shit. When we were growing up, we never robbed them. They had nothing to rob. We didn't know what the fuck a tool or I was. So we found this thing and I go, what the fuck am I going to do with this? And it was the block where the Denny's lived and the

fucking McNeils and the fucking Garcia's and the Jansans and all these families lived on this block. And I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do with this thing? I go, Dedy, I got it. Let's take it to Gunter's house. Because Gunter collected Beatles stuff. All right. So we fucking picked this

thing up. We walk it like 50 yards. It's fucking humid. It's hot. Like, that's what made me remember this, because it's, I was sweating. I'll never forget we went to Gunter's house. He opens a door with his fucking robe on, you know, higher than fuck. And he's like, what's up, guys?

And we're like, Gunther, we know you're a Beatle fan. We hate to bother it. We know that you look for stuff all the time. We like to sell you this. And he's like, where the fuck did you guys get this? By that time, we just took it out of the crate and just started walking with it down the street. Like we were moving men. And no one was like, hey, where do these teenagers?

Not one person. We walked into Gunters. We went up and he goes, I'll take it for sure. What are you guys looking to get? And we're like 100. He's like 80. And we're like done. Could have even been 60.

We're like done. We don't give a fuck. This just gets us a half a gram of Coke. That's all we were looking to get. A half a gram of Coke. We put the beer together. We'll get the weed together. We could do a half a gram of Coke for 50 fucking bucks.

The only problem was, it was the afternoon. Gunters, like I got something going on here. Can you come back at about 7 o'clock at night? And I'm like, yeah, we'll come back. It was nothing on that wheel, just one of you. It goes, you come back. No offense, Didi. I go, no, no offense to him. And that was it.

Me and Didi hung out the rest of the day, and that night, I went to Gunters' Brown's house. I went over there. He invites me in. He still has the robe on. He's drinking. First off, there's this chick, and she's fucking got to be. be 60. She's all beat up on heroin, and he's telling me, if you go to the bathroom and take a shit,

she loves to blow guys when she's, when you're on the toilet. That's her thing. And I was like, no, no, no, no. No, thank you. I go, gee, man, I'm cool. Just let me get the cash. And let me go to D-D-D-D.E's.

In those days, Lee, it was 1980. When somebody offered you a line of cocaine, right? You took it. There was no hands. it's butts about it everybody was such a dead

beat for cocaine those days that anybody who did give you a line you took it it could be two in the afternoon it could be eight in the morning it could be 11 o'clock at night in 1980 when somebody offered you a bump you took it because if you

went to somebody and said you're not going to believe what happened Steve Simone offered me a bump you on that everybody in the room was going to go you fucking asshole you had a chance to do coke it was 1980. Nobody really knew what it was. So everybody wanted to do it, but nobody had the $100 to pay for it.

Okay. You follow me? So you're going to say yes. So you say yes. All your rules go out the window. All your rules go out the window in 1980. So I go, fuck, yeah. At that time I did Coke, I do a line of Coke. He offers me a drink. I got, nah,

I got to go. How old is Gunther row? At this time, Gunther's probably 33, 34. He's got a robe on. He listens to the guitar player from Black Sabbath. He's got the same mustache. The same type of devilish hair. And then he put it music on.

Like, I don't know what the first song was he put on. But then in the middle of all this... And let's love? I don't know what the fuck he put on. He put on like he was like a Beatle fan. And then in the middle of all this, he goes, fuck it. I've done heroin.

And right there, like, my heart stopped. Like, I didn't want to do heroin, but I wanted to do heroin. Oh, Jesus. Like, at that point, in my life, I don't know. I was sad. Deep down inside, I had a job. I had money. I was having a fun time, but I missed my mother.

This should have living with people and stuff. As nice as the benders were, it was just rough on me. So I said, you know what, Gunther Brown? Give me a line of that shit. Even then you wouldn't do the needle? No. at that point, a needle in the room, I wouldn't even stick around.

At least now I stick around. I just looked the other way. It's like ranch on the table for you? Yeah, I just turned around. In those days, a needle, I couldn't even deal with it. Fuck, okay. A needle, I couldn't even deal with it. So he offered you a line.

He was snorting it, too. Okay. He was snorting it, too. So that was it. I did a little, he goes, do one, see what you think, and then do another one. I'll never forget, he looked at me. He goes, and if you get sick, run to the bathroom.

I go sick. I was like, Lisa, I got, I go, why would I get sick? Yeah, that's, uh, like when you were saying you gave, you sold it just for a gram of Coke. It made me think about, like,

it was essentially a pawn shop, like a pawn shop deal. And it's sad that, like, people are so willing to give up, like, 60% of what it's worth just to get, like, just because I know that it'll get them some drugs. No, no, no, no. See, on the East Coast,

in certain neighborhoods, everybody knows. that there's a guy in the neighborhood, and it wasn't me. I'm just saying. Okay, got you. Everybody knows that there's a guy in the neighborhood that can help you out with stuff. If you need a TV, if you need a washer dryer. Everybody in the neighborhood in East Coast has them.

From Boston, all the way down to fucking Philadelphia. Okay. There's a guy that knows a guy that knows a guy. And what that means is that, you know what? Maybe you get something 50% off in a box. You just can't send a guy. the warranty. Oh, no, no, no.

I'm talking about, like, if you were going to go sell that washer dryer, and they're, like, we'll give you 50 bucks for it, and it's worth 400 or whatever it is. No, no, no, but what you do is, you already know it's 200 going in. Like, I don't know what that thing was worth. We just walked down the street and bumped into it.

You know what I'm saying? I just bumped into 60 or 100 bucks. If you think I'm going to walk the thing home and then take the numbers off it and call around and get the retail price, in those days, there wasn't into that. So it wasn't that easy to look prices up and to fuck it and see what. See, he just got what you could.

There was plenty of times I went to porn shops and things like that. Now, you know, when I was scamming, jewelry was 800 an ounce in 1980. Check it and see. For gold? For gold. It was 800 an ounce, 850 an ounce. What the weight for gold was in 1980? 80.

Yearly, hundred. high was $850 and low is $4.74. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with in 1980? When it was $8.50? Oh, my God. And look at this. Seventy-7-168 was the high. And 79, it was $5.24 jumped. And in 1982, what was it?

Let's see here. In 1982, it went down a little bit to $4.88. 480. And then 84. 84, it went down to $4.85. it went down to 340. But then it started going up. Oh my God. In the last one on this chart, 2015,

and it's up to 1,300. Yeah. Now you show up with a little fucking ring. They give you $500. Fuck. My dad was buying, it wasn't gold. He would buy quarters, like, for the silver.

We had barrels of quarters in our basement for a little bit. Because if they're made before a certain time, they have, like, a hunt, they're made with mostly silver. So, like, how much of your money was with gold? Me? Yeah. In those days, I worked at Rendell Lumbman. There was a guy named Boji, who was half a gangster.

And his day job was to buy gold. He got their owner, Richie Werdeman, who was a crooked guy, to give him a stand in there. And he would buy gold. And I talked to him. And he would tell me, listen, if you're going to sell something, this is the time. So I had friends who had friends who had friends. And, you know, whenever something they needed to be sold and there was no paperwork on it, I slipped it to Mr. Boglejee.

But the most interesting thing was one time I found a fucking penny in a drawer. And I put it in my pocket. Like, you know, when you put change in a drawer and then you go back and take the change out, you look through the change, and there was like a weird penny. And one time a merendulet. alum, and I give the penny of Mr. Boji. Mr. Boji, what type of penny is? He goes, hold on one second. And he gave him back

and he was worth $4.80. He goes, you want it? Yeah. He gave me $4.08. Jesus Christ. Like shit like that was happening in 82. Where's Tony better at? To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks

your heart, some, somebody twice as smart. As I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who leave you to learn that misery loves company I thought you were looking like this sugar in a fuse to see how he does it when he breaks your heart

two bits if a puzzle That last rattle wasn't water We just had a few more stars Out of respect for Memorial Day It's a 10 star fucking salute here On the church of what's happened now These are the 125 so don't get excited

You know, we can eat 35 of these things And I blink a fucking eye You understand me? I'll never blink again It's funny this weekend I watched, I'm telling you, man, being sick isn't fun. But I couldn't even focus on the internet. Excuse me, I couldn't focus on writing. I really couldn't focus on anything except sitting there and shaking.

And then two minutes later, I'd be fucking sweat. And then I'd be shaking. But I watched Weissland one night. I watched an interesting one, Sugar Daddy's. And it was crazy because I was breaking Becky's balls. You're obsessed with this topic. You know, it was just on. Yeah.

You know, it was just on. Oh, no, I'm judging you. I'm just, you're right interested in it. It's, no, we were just talking about it to one night. And it's just, it made me think because I dated a girl who went through that. And I thought about they showed the girl having the conversation with a guy online. And by that guy talking, I remembered. how creepy my ex's sugar daddy was.

You mad him? Oh, yeah, we half a fist fight. But before that, we used to talk on the phone. And I would say to her, how old is this guy? And she would say, 50-something. And I go, doesn't this guy have kids? No. Doesn't he been married?

No. You know, what does he do? And she goes, he gets money from his family. and he just hires women. That's it. And he goes, I was one of the women that he put me through school. What?

So I'm watching this show, and I was breaking Becky's balls one day about it. Becky doesn't have a boyfriend. She's fighting for her life. So I'm like, Becky, you're a good-looking chick. Get yourself an old guy and lick his balls once a month and get the small nickel or a small G-note, have him pay your rent and car payment.

on your fucking way, right? I forgot how creepy it was. And I forgot the guys that do it, how creepy they are. I forgot. I fucking forgot. Or do they like, I can't, like, just that first...

So you go to some website. Approach. Yeah, the website makes it easier now. You sign up, and then you do like a Skype. And the guy talks to you on Skype, he makes you get up and show them your body. Now, I thought it was the illusion, and this is what they were examining,

on Vicerland, that the illusion was that a guy calls you up and says, I'm going to pay you five grand a month, I'm going to come over and let your asshole on fire four times a month. As a matter of fact, take the pill to not have your

period. You know what I'm saying? Because you don't know when I'm coming over. I'm dropping over like a fucking Marine in Apocalypse now. You don't know when the fuck I'm showing up. But no, this place makes you pay by the move. so if you go on a date with the guy and you want to fuck

it's like a flat you know 600 or whatever and the two girls they talked to weren't that attractive but they were freaks I don't know I didn't really ask about their personal sexual preferences these girls just wanted to be taken care of now what do you have anything do you know anything about Russian brides I've always heard about that they're here it's fucking crazy

because when I first moved here one of the guys that took care of my comedy had a Russian bride. So they're real? Like you can actually get a mail order bride. Yeah. I don't know how he got his. I can't really fucking spell it out how he got his.

Okay. I know he didn't get his true line. Because they used to have a website. He sold his company and got a ton of fucking money. I had a ton of money to burn. And I guess the year before he had gone to Russia. and I saw the Russian women and he fucking

he went on he went to this guy here and the guy showed him pictures and he paid and they flew the girl here and he married her and made her a citizen and then she had big tits

and guess what she did she divorced him and made her tits even bigger and then about two years later this went down in 97-98 There's no loyalty anymore. And then I stopped working with the guy, and then I saw her in like 2004. And her tit were like past pornographic big.

Like she made him so big. It was just absurd. Like when she was around you, you felt uncomfortable. And in Hollywood, you even felt more uncomfortable. And she was a good-looking woman, but nobody has that tits that big. And she showed up at the lab factory with a different guy, and he had to be like fucking 70. Meanwhile, she's like 35. I don't mean that like it...

And I don't know. I don't know who schedules them. I don't know anything about it. So don't, you know. No, but that's just a whole new thing. Like, I guess it's not new. Just women being able, they live their whole lives just based off of their looks, which I mean, I would do if I was a hot girl, but it seems like a weird way to live your life.

Like always be getting stuff from. people. Hey, listen, we're the ones that give them the stuff. Right, absolutely. We're the ones that give them the style. But I know I feel weird sometimes when people try to give me things. I wonder if they have that at all or if it's just so ingrained in them. No, I feel the same way. You know, I feel the same way. When people give you stuff sometimes, you don't know how to accept it. I think Whitney Cummings had a whole story on that

or a whole blog on that, like she felt really insecure about it. I think as a woman, I mean, that's a woman, so I don't know where to even start. It wouldn't even be for me to say this, but if I'm around a woman, that would mind paying for her.

I feel like I ought to. That's just me. I was talking about Groupon at the beginning, but I had a thing when I was dating. It made me uncomfortable to have girls pay. And now this is the first, like, real relationship where someone has been paid, but it took a while. It's weird, like, the first, I don't know, especially the first day you feel like you have to pay. I mean, I'm sure that relationship, not everybody's fucking Theodore Roosevelt,

walking around with a bag full of fucking 50s in the beginning. And after you guys settle in and explain to your girlfriend your situation, she understands you, that's where the love and trust begins when she says, you know what, I don't care if you make 300 a week. I still want to marry. You know, I want to help you go to school and be a better yourself or become a cop. That's what those early relationships are about.

Women who stick it out with you from the beginning. You know? So everybody has that. It's the guy that tells the wife and strings her along that he's a millionaire. Then marries her and he makes this whole thing out of how she can't see his books. No, you've got to be honest with them. You know, I mean, that's one of the white lies you'll never get out of.

it's about telling them that you're something that you're not in that sense. I was a dentist. Nah, I'm really a dental assistant. You know. Like that, I don't, that's a whole other thing I don't understand is how someone could do something.

It happens all the time. Like, like, you find out that a principal gets fired because they fake their, their resume or just something weird. Like, I don't understand how people could, could do that.

And I mean, I guess, before the internet you could get away with it, but not now. I faked my resume for 15 years, but it wasn't for... High-level job. No, no. Could I have done it and maybe got away with it? Yeah.

Because you got to assume they don't check. You have to assume they don't check. I've never had... You have to assume maybe they'll call a personal reference. Okay, yeah, but I mean, when your friend know, or what do you have to tell your before you pull the George Costanza and, like, tell your friend to be like, yeah, I know how to drive a forklift. Or, yeah, I know how to, like, did you ever lie like that? Like, yeah, I have this certification.

I think I lied once or twice when it came to work. But if you look somebody in the eye and you go, listen, bro, I don't know how to do that, but I'm willing to learn. Oh, yeah, yeah, they love it. They love it. So that's how I overcame that stuff. I used to drive a fucking high, low, man. That's crazy. Is that a forklift?

A forklift. Okay. And I used to put pallets on trucks, and I would bang into shoes. I was fucking terrible. And then I almost got put on. Like, I almost got, I almost became a high-low guy for a masonry company. I worked with them for a while. They were like, why don't you?

And I thought about it. And then I got another job where you had a shovel snow in an Ilo. In Colorado. Remember I told you, and the people would come. common I wouldn't come out of the house I'd be so coaked up I wouldn't leave the house and finally they fired me I got my fucking gym membership yanked

but you have to sit in a in a whatever it is a high low and plow the streets plow the streets and it has like a little it's called something else like a snow thing and it has like the bottom is that of a tank like a tank the way the wheels spin around

it's like that it's not even with tires but I drove all those I can't believe I did I couldn't believe myself today. I still did. No one never trusted me with that stuff. I worked hard, so I didn't mind getting behind something, learning how to fucking do it. That's why I always look at all these construction sites as I drive by.

I look at the masonry work. I love to look at the scaffolding. I love to look at the masonry work and see how they fucking are putting up the masonry. Every time I see people, every time I see people, laborers, putting up scaffolds, I shit my pants. I stop what I'm doing for 10 minutes. I just watch them. It's the most interesting thing. It's the most interesting thing I ever did.

I didn't have the balls to go on top of the third floor. Like, once they made me do the third floor, that's when I said, hold on one second. I got to get something out of my car. You couldn't just do the first three floors on all the sides? Oh, my God. It was after the third floor, that's it. I can't put a scaffold up.

I can't be up there hanging like a monkey. Would they give you something to lock into? Listen, I don't remember. All I know is you hang up the first two pieces. You put those fucking things in, the things that you open up, and then you click on to the sides, and you screw those in. Then you put a pipe across, and then you keep doing that. You keep doing the first level.

And then somebody gets up there and starts putting down two by tens or two by 12 boards. Two by 12, 12s. So it's two by 12 inches, 12 feet. and you just put them down. And all soon you climb on top of those and somebody starts handing you those and you start putting those just like that. And then you put those crossbars in them.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. And then you do that all the way down. And then again, the two by 12s. And then you fucking, that right there was when I said, no, no, no, no, no. I could do the first two levels of two by 12s. One time I built the scaffold with a dude that was like fucking 65 when I was 20.

Okay? and 65 guys is conservative. Don't ask me what his name was. I don't know nothing. I worked for him for maybe four months, and it was one of the best jobs I ever had. He was one of the best bosses in the world because, you know, he would tell me that he needed these things,

and I would do him for him, and I would check on him every 10 minutes. He was fucking 60-something, 70 years old. He wouldn't even be anywhere close to the speed that I was. But his workmanship, he had been doing it so long his people hired him because it was working shit

he would sit there all day with fucking different machines and do shit and I learned a lot of those things from him but the first week of working with him we had to build a scaffold and he broke my rib what? Oh yeah he was a beast this guy he was six for four he threw that piece of wood up

and clipped me in the rib on the way up he drove me to the hospital he gave me a $200 raise Not a bad deal. No, but he built a three-story scaffold from wood. No metal. What? Wood.

You don't know what shit in your fucking pants is. And he was building, he was sending me the wood up, climbing up there on a ladder and helping put it down. It was just me and him that day. What do you reuse it every site? No, we only did one job together. We had to remodel the outside of four condos and their balconies. That was it.

And it took us 14 months. And it was tongue and groove wood, like a cider that we had put in, and it was tongue and groove, but he added some stuff to it. And I took the job like in August, and we went all the way to Christmas Eve. And he gave me a bonus and everything.

He was a good dude. When I robbed the jewelry store, I used that apartment as my cover. When I tried to rob this jewelry store in fucking Snowman's Village, I used that apartment. They used those apartment buildings is where I had my tools

and the change of clothing and all that stuff. I had a broom outside so I could sweep all four fucking things. It was amazing. That's what I used. I went in there and changed and then walked out the front door. And if the cops stopped me and asked me, what was I doing there? I went up there to plug the...

Because it was true. I used to have to go up there on Sunday nights and plug the fucking... Heater? No. No, there was something. I had to plug in. Oh, the generator. I had to plug the generator in on Sunday nights

we had to charge up for Monday morning. That's what it was. So I was going to use that as my excuse. I had to go play and charge the fucking generator. Let me give some shoutouts. Yeah, I didn't give some shoutouts. We're up this motherfucker up. I don't even know.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I used. That fucking apartment. I just remembered that. Jesus Christ. Minutes with marking. Hands down sports. Pablo Castro. Trapper Welton, L.J., Meg 715,

locomotive, and meet the courts. Like I told you, motherfucking, in the beginning, don't forget I'll be a flappers Thursday night. 7.30, working out with Uncle Joey's series. This weekend, it's at flappers. And the next Thursday, I'm in fucking the bray improv. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Oh, shit, where this whole movement started on Wednesday nights.

The second Wednesday of the month, we used to do D.Night, hosted by Joey Dears at the Bray Improv, and that's how this whole fucking movement started. So put that in your pipe and smoking, bitches. And did the Year of the Priest was there? We did the Year of the Priest there. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of history of Prey Improv. So if you're not doing anything next weekend, the 8th through the 10th, I think, come on down, bitches.

I'll be there eating stars. Oh, fuck, yeah. You'll be captain fucking stars. Yeah, yeah, I forgot all. about that fucking apartment. I've had some interesting jobs, man. I was 19 when I had that job. We did everything by hand.

Everything? And I didn't know Dick. I would just hand them the wood. I would get lunch. I would sweep. I'd pick up the fucking wood parts at the end of the day. I'd empty the trash. And was it his business?

It was his business. And he worked by himself. And I had just come from quitting a job. And I was walking. And he pulled over. Hey man, I'm looking for a helper with construction. You know anybody? I go, what kind of construction?

He told me basic carpentry, we're building a scaffold, that I'll start you at this. I forgot it was on a good salary. I go, yeah, he goes, be there tomorrow. I'll try you out for two days. After the two days, he told me to stick around. He told me to buy tools, what tools to buy. I know you talked about how sometimes it would freak you out

to think about doing something to your 65. Was there one or two of them that you think you could have done? I was hoping that I would have taken to one form of construction. I liked the construction lifestyle if it's done correctly and what I wanted to do with it. Like at first, I wanted to be a mason. I wanted to work for somebody for six or seven years who was going to teach me how to be a fucking mason. Teach me to make the cement, teach me how to lay the brick. teach me how to lay commercial brick.

Just teach me everything to know. About masonry. About masonry. I'd work 60 hours and let you pay me for 40. I'd be one of those guys. That's my loyalty for you to teach me. So once my job is done as a hard carrier, I get off my fucking job,

and I get on the line, I lay brick with you and help you up. That was always my fucking dream, you know? And then after eight years, you learn the shit you want to do, which is fireplaces, you know, you want to take little chances

at other different places, little walks, and you just want to be busy doing that stuff. I could have done that in a different life, I think. And you have to sell. See, that's the beauty of it

that I could have sold. I don't mind knocking on somebody's doing, you know, Joey Diaz and I own a construction company and I saw these stairs aren't good to you.

I think I can write your estimate for maybe $100. That's two days. work. You know, you could put those together, two, three of those a week. Because even if you do that for a hundred bucks and you take a garbage app, she's like, you know, my husband died. I need for you to do the steps in the back. Can you do it for $600? And now you have work. And now guess what? She tells her friend, a bingo that you did it. And that's how you become a business, man.

Do you think there's a negative, like people look down and people who do jobs like that? Who do jobs like what? Construction. Some man. Listen, man. Everybody looks down on anybody for working as an American. A legit person. They should be shot and fucking hung.

When I think of work people, when I go to McDonald's, all right, with mercy. Right. There's a Spanish woman who's always there with a huge diamond ring around her finger. She's attractive. you know, you could tell she's been at McDonald's for a few years, you know what I'm saying? I could look at her in a fucked up way or anybody in that kitchen. What type of person would I be? I got to look at them as a type of person.

They're fucking working. They're working. Even if they're ex-comics, they're working. They're keeping it together. They're working at McDonald's. They didn't have that much fucking pride. You know what I'm saying? You can't eat pride.

You cannot eat pride. and not at every American No, no, no, no, you are right. People do look down on McDonald's jobs because they're always hiring, aren't they? Yeah, movie theater. There's a guy who I love. He's one of my best friends.

He has a master's degree, but he stayed at the movie theater. And he's now, he's the general manager of one of the biggest theater in the state. So he's making good money now, but I can't, we've talked about how he had issues with not pursuing his thing. But he loved the theater, and he chose to make it a career.

I'm staying at the movie theater. Yeah. And now he's a GM. He's probably making six figures. Listen, you go to college, and while you're at college, you get a job. And the pieces come together. And all of a sudden you got out of college, and you're like, what am I going to look for a job for? I already got a job.

I've been here for five years. Yeah. I know everything. They give me a promotion of management, and I keep the job here for a few years until I see what I really want to fucking do. There's nothing wrong with that. fucking nothing wrong with working, especially when you have all the logistics to work, when you don't have a felony and all that shit,

if you could work, man, and keep making money and keep getting incentives, you know, selling shit, or whatever the fuck it is that you do, I never looked down on anybody because I did some creepy shit when I was working. I didn't mind doing it. I never let that shit bother me.

I didn't tell everybody I was doing it as a job. Do you know what I'm saying? I never, you know, there was a lot of jobs I did that I wasn't too, proud of. I can't think of right now, but you're doing for a week or two to get you by, and that's it. I would do them for a while.

Like, I remember having to, like, sweep out. I remember one July 4th, having to sweep out a store room at a CVS. Like, but I miss those kind of jobs, too, to be honest with you. It's no pressure job. You go in there, you get a salary. You know what you're going to walk with. You know, for you, a guy like you, you go to three or four

movies a week. Don't you? Oh, my God. Yeah, you go to three or four movies. I would go every day. Every fucking day you go see a movie. So for a guy like you, you think you're getting $200 a week, just in the movies and the raisinettes. Just in the movie and the raisinettes, you think you're getting a fucking bargain.

Well, yeah. I mean, if I could have somehow, I think that's the job, if I could have somehow stayed in being a, like, a teenager, but could live on what I was making at a movie theater. it was the most fun I ever have. And it just, it's, uh, and those people are just, I have a lot of fun jobs that were fun. But those jobs are usually fun. You pay your rent, you make a car payment.

Yeah. And you struggle the rest of the month. That's the problem with fun jobs. And one day you come to that realization, you go, Jesus Christ, my uncle just offered me a job doing this for fucking $15 an hour. But I got, the job that I get $8.50 and I

it's so much fucking fun. And, you know, that's what happens. And after two or three years, you know, if I want to have fun, I got a skateboard and put a blindfold on and go downhill or something like that. I don't fucking know. I can't imagine raising a kid on that salary. Because there's people

who did. There's this one. I always think of her. She had like four kids. There's people who, first off, there's people who make it happen. Those are the people I take my fucking I get my heart There's people that make it happen

Leave this facility right now And you make a right If you go maybe 40 yards There's a daycare There's an illegal Mexican daycare In the building over there I didn't know that okay If you pull out of here every night

You'll see that there's a car In the middle of the block Always double parked There's a reason for that Because somebody's picking up their kids It could be at 2 in the morning It could be at 4 in the morning There were plenty of nights

when I was driving down here at midnight, and I'd see two parents running out with a kid and put them in the same car in the back seat, like a mom and the dad, pick them, they just got off of work, you know? Okay. Jesus. These are people who have fucking two or two and a half jobs apiece.

And this, they have to pay. The daycare is like one lady with six kids. She takes them around the corner and just walks around the corner all that. They hold their hands of the cutest thing. She always waved. She's really nice to the kids. if I was in a pinch I'd have to take mercy over that

you know what can she call I mean she has to I think she charges you and the kids bring their own food it's not scholastically approved they're not going to be fucking singing songs and learning about the Bible or you know doing a lot of arts and crabs

but somebody's watching your kid there's a lot of families who do like the the one parent works night shift, one parent works day shift. I can't imagine doing that. You know, I'm very fortunate. You know, Terry and I struggle for a lot of years. And now that we have the baby, you know, everything's okay.

And I'm very fortunate for that. And I tell Tyree, I think every day, like, can you imagine right now? You'd have to be, I'd have to be strapping her in the car to take her to school. and you'd be on the 101-headed fucking south at 7.30 in the morning. I'd have to pick her up at 5, bring her home, start cooking for you to come in the door at 6.15 to take her, put her in the bath, read her a story, eat, go to bed to do it over again for the next four days. And then once a month, you'd have to fuck in, or twice a month, you'd have to, Thursday and Friday, She's got to pick the kid up at 5.30 or 6 because I would be on the road.

Yeah. What if there were more than one? And if there's a traffic jam, my daughter gets stuck at fucking daycare at 6. You know, it would have been, no, no, no. It would have been a struggle. So that's why every morning I get up and I'm thankful as fuck that at this time, like I tell Terry, listen, in the year, you never know. In the year, this whole thing might be over and fucking you could run the house.

You could go back to work and I'll do what you got to do. I walk out of the school in the morning and get the lunch ready and get the spaghetti going at night, whatever the fuck it is, if that's what it came down to. Do you have to be very realistic because you've gone from being a rich, spoiled kid

to homeless and then back, like that's, I've always been very lucky. My parents made a lot less than they used to for a while, and we had issues, but I never was broke or homeless or had to move. Listen, I was hand to mouth.

What do you mean hand to mouth? Weekly. The longest yard bailed me out for a while. That's just called the alligators off. That didn't do dick. All right, all those projects I did on TV all those years, that just covered the bases, the addiction, some of the child support, shoes, you know, the daily necessities.

was no cutting off the top. There was no pain off to Vig is what I'm trying to say to you. Gotcha. Okay. There was no paying off the Vig. The note kept ticking and I kept running that motherfucker up. Knowing that eventually something, something

was going to give. I stopped doing blow in 2007. That immediately freed up $2,000, $3,000 a month. Immediately freed up. You said you were

So the fucking, so all those years, you know, all those gigs that I would go home, I would go out at night and pick up $200, which is a lot of money to some people. I'd pick up $200. Yeah, fuck yeah. I would do four gigs and pick up $200. You know, $75 here, $50 here, $50 here. I'd go out on those nights. And I'd come home broke because I bought weed, Coke, and filled up the gas tank. But now there was no more Coke.

that was a $60 I was saving. So once I got off the drugs, I started profiting just getting off the drugs. Just getting off drugs and staying where I was doing comedy and fucking around, that was it. And you were making money? Yeah, I was putting away money. Not a lot of money.

I didn't have to call my wife every day and tell her to put $20 on my books. So 2008, we both lived off one account. And I would call her every day by lunchtime and tell her what to put on my books. books with a debt. And she would go, are you fucking,

how can I put 40 on your books if we only have 66? Like there were those type of days. All right, then give me a 20. I'll figure it out. And I'd put together 20 or 30 on my own.

That lasted for years, brother. Then in 2009, with the fucking no drugs for two years and paying off bills, we saw some daylight, I booked a couple commercials

that were lucrative. Those commercials really bailed me out. That's why I always say if you live in LA go off for commercials because at that time in my life those commercials

were like hitting a fucking lottery for me. I can't. I like to think I'm a hard worker but I don't think I don't think if I had $66 left

I would be here. I just don't think what happened. Oh please. $66 till Friday. Oh. And I had a gig on Wednesday. I had like 150 months. And I had a fucking

pick up a check out the comedy store 90 bucks on Friday. And my wife would get paid every two weeks. And there was nice. She was a waitress and she'd come home. We'd have $44 for the day. And we needed to buy two packs of cigarettes

apiece and eat and feed the cat, Finney. And you would see this and still when you got the money for the gigs, would be like, yeah, Coke, weed. And half of women went to my wife. As long as I

had Coke and weed, I didn't need. money in my pocket. I can always get a free drink at the fucking coffee store. As long as I had coke and weed, everything else fell into place. I think a motivational poster. It's a true fucking story. Let's wrap this motherfucker up. You don't forget

Thursday night, I'm at Flappers and then the following week, the 6th through the 10th, I'm at the Braille, Improv. We ain't fucking around. Taking it back old school. Listen, man, I know a lot of you motherfuckers

are at home, you're sitting there, you're listening to the podcast, you're thinking about the summer and what you want to do, whatever. Lyft is a ride-sharing company that believes in treating its people better. Lyft believes that being a ride-sharing driver should be fun. If you're having a good time, so are your passengers, correct? So if you're choosing a ride-sharing company to drive for, go with the company that treats you better. Lift. Only lift driver, only lift, only lift offers in app tipping. When you drive for LIP, you keep 100% of the tips. Drivers have been paid over 150 million tips since the feature was introduced.

Express Pay lets the drivers get paid almost instantly instead of waiting for weeks. Lyft has even taken the guesswork out of pickups. The new app device uses color coding to help passengers find their drivers. You can earn $100 a week. Listen to me. hundreds of dollars a week plus tips you want to make more money you drive more it's never been that easier so to give yourself a race it's that simple you know what i need to make a lot of money then you know what start drinking coffee and get out there it's a simple formula happy drivers

mean happy passengers maybe that's why nine out of ten lift rides get a perfect five-star rating Your experiences with Lyft have been marvelous. My experiences with Lyft have been marvelous. So they do something. It's just a much friendlier experience. They're nice. The cars are always clean. They're friendly people.

And then when you have choice, that's what you look for. So join the ride-sharing company that believes in treating its people better. Go to Lyft.com right now slash Joey. And I'm going to get you a $500 new drive. bonus. Again, if you go to lift.com slash Joey, today, I'm going to get you a $500 new driver bonus. That's lift.com slash Joey. Limited time only. Terms apply, but let me tell you some. If you're just sitting there and you got a nice car, it's like the man said in the Pope of Greenwich Village, why you got a fancy suit for it, Charlie? You got no job to wear it to.

Go to live.com slash Joey. Number two, when I called you yesterday, What did you get from Blue Apron? Oh, I got a great box this week. We made spicy chicken tenders with mashed potatoes and green beans. Okay. On Friday night, it was delicious. I have a spicy Korean. I have spicy Korean chicken with mushrooms and roasted potatoes still at the house.

And one more. But it's been, my dad made the spicy Korean one yesterday. He said it was delicious. They've been on a roll recently with, like, really delicious recipes. I see them. I see them. I mean, look at the ones for this month, Blue Apron. You got warm-smoked salmon trout and asparagus salad with fingering potatoes and garlic croutons.

You got spiced zucchini enchiladas with creamy lime and tomato rice. But listen, not all ingredients are created equal. Fresh and high-quality ingredients make a real difference. So it's important to know where your food comes from. Okay? Like Lee said, he got a great box sent to him this weekend. It tasted great. It was easy to cook. He has the recipe for less than $10 per person per meal. Blue Apron delivers seasoned recipes along with proportioned ingredients to make your delicious home-cooked meal.

Choose from a variety of new recipes each week or let Blue Apron's culinary team surprise you. Recipes are not repeated within a year so you'll never, ever, ever get bored. Customize your recipes each week based on. on your preferences. Blue Apron has several delivery options so you could choose what fits your needs and there's no weekly commitment so you only get the deliveries that you want when you want them. Each meal comes with a step-by-step, easy to follow a recipe card, proportionate ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. Again, 40 minutes or less. Blue Apron's freshness guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arise ready to cook.

or they'll make it ripe. This week's menu, again, I love the style vegetable to starters with summer squash, Pablollo peppers, and cilantro rice, or peach honey glazed chicken with mashed potatoes, collard greens,

and Thai basil. All right. What are we going to do? I'm going to get your three free meals plus free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash show. Again, I'm going to get your first three meals for free.

With free shipping when you go to blue apron.com slash Joey. You'll love how it feels. You'll love how it tastes and you don't know how great you'll feel to create your home, cook meals with the people you love around you

with Blue Apron. So don't wait. Go to blueapen.com slash Joey. I'm going to give you the first three meals free with free shipping. Blue Apron. It's a better way to cook. I want to thank my man Lee Syatt

but most importantly, I want to wish all you motherfuckers at Memorial Day. Thank you for listening. Have a great week and we'll see you Cuck Suckers Wednesday night. Stay black. Hey, track, what up?