The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #487 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: June 6, 2017

Ralphie May, Comedian, with specials on Netflix and a residency at Harras Casino in Las Vegas, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: DollarShaveClub.com -  get your first month of razors for only $1 with free shipping at dollarshaveclub.com/church   Stamps.com - Never go to the post office again with stamps.com and use code: JOEY for a 4 week trial.     Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 06/05/2017.
  

This podcast is brought to you by onit.com. Go to Onet, press in church, and get 10% off their tremendous supplements. Number two, the smarter choice. Get a great shave and a great price conveniently delivered right to your door. Dollar Shave Club. And right now, Dollar Shave Club is going to give you a deal of a lifetime. The new members get the first month of Executive Razor with a tube of that Dr. Carver's shave butter for only $5 with free shipping.

Go to dollar shaveclub.com and press church. Number two, let me explain something to you. These days, you can practically get everything on demand. Like our podcast, listen whenever you want, when it's convenient to you. So why the hell are you still going to the post office dealing with their limited hours when you can get stamp postage on demand with stamps.com?

Right now, right now, today. Use my name Joey for a four-week trial that includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com right now and press in Joey. Welcome to the church of what's happening now. I love it. Monday, June 5th, Cocksuppers. Uncle Joey's in your living room. Ralphie Mae's here.

Lysayette's here. Flying June. Let me explain something. The weight limit in this room is definitely over. I'm taking the over. I'm taking the over. Here we go. Oh shit.

Here it is. This is Joe Perry with the good fucking Harold. Tell me who you know and I'll tell you who. Set you free. Tell me what you need and maybe I can go to. No one knows a way, but maybe me. Oh shit. Here we go.

Nobody shows where Nobody knows where you can Good morning glory Here we go You're saying like a king Rock a road band You fucking kidding me Or what

Break up the gorilla biscuits It's the church It's what's happening now What's happening you bad motherfuckers Happy Monday Happy Tuesday Uncle Joe here Direct from Savannah I got my main man

Refie Mae Hi, everybody, how are you? And I call him Rafi Mae because that's what he sent the invitations out to his wedding. They put the wrong name out, Rafi May. My ex-wife is dyslexic, and she proofread it, and I didn't care. Good. I'm Rafi. Lisa, what's going on? Everything good in your world? Everything's great in my world.

You got your little crips shirt on tonight. You're ready to get shot by your blood. It's your type of night. I don't live anywhere where bloods are hanging out. It doesn't matter. It'll haunt you down, but you'll probably go to four. fucking anti-changs dumpling palis. You end up in fucking ribs

and chicken. What is that anti-waffles over there on sunset? No, Cripp will see you with your nice little fucking, well, see you with your nice little creepy shirt and shoot you right in the Iranian beard. What are you going to do? You're saying? All you could do is keep plugging along. What's going on, Ralphie? May, you're looking good?

You're feeling good? I'm feeling good. I'm doing good. I just got back from Denver. It was tremendous. That place is on fire. It's great. The weed was too good to smoke and it was too good not too, Coco. I can't lie to you. Did D in Colorado come by?

No, he's back, wasn't feeling no good. Okay. Yeah, D is the best. I've been trying to get him out there and I tried to get him a hotel room and my hotel was sold out. And then I've been trying to get him to Vegas and I want to get Tammy taken care of. Tammy's coming, but the problem is that it's the weed. You're not there. I know.

So I got to give her a call. I was going to call her last weekend and say if she wants to meet up with us, meet up with us maybe here. Yeah. We're here or maybe there was another place I was thinking when you'll be there. And I could go that weekend and hang out with you. Well, you know, I mean, I've got a big residency now. I mean, they've extended me Coco for another couple years.

So they did? Yeah. It's the first time they've done that in over 20 years. You're happy? Yeah. Yeah. I got a great house. I got a sweet house.

I got a swimming pool, I mean, hot tub, swimming pool right there. I walk out, it's high walls, nobody can see anything. Walk out my shorts, okay, before it while I got breakfast cooking, jump in the pool. It's 100 degrees. I feel like a champion. Go in, eat breakfast, you know, have some coffee. Wake up and get motivated instead of being all bummed out and depressed and laying up in the bed all day. You know, it's like, I'm.

on Nashville? Right now it's half and half. I've got to sell my house there. But I'm going to buy some land. You know, my house is doubled in price in like eight years. Nashville's booming. And so I'm going to buy like 10 minutes outside of town. And it's 10 minute drive as opposed to a three-minute drive.

I can do it, I can do it, man. There's a land in TP. You know what I'm saying? Dude, let me tell you. 40 acres. You're checking into the motoc. Stop. Stop.

I'll be 20 feet underground. I'm going to build me one of them fucking bunkers. You are. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going deep. Man, came with certain oxygen and shit.

Shut that fucking phone. I'm fucking sorry. Everybody's with me up. No worries. I'm fucking love you. You know, it's, uh, you look good. I feel good, Coco. You know, we were talking about divorce when you walked in.

Yeah. Well, I had gone through. You know, we were talking about. Like, the separation was easy for me because you don't know you want to be free to you're free. Right. People really don't know they want to be free to their free. They think something's going on. Things are not clicking, you know.

You're feeling kind of sluggish, but maybe it's a situation you're in. Right. You know, so nobody knows they do their divorce until they're getting divorced. And you go, Jesus Christ, thank God. I'm getting divorced. You're not finally yet? No, not yet. When are finalized?

I don't know. I don't know. That's, as soon as it gets done, it's done. That's another 100,000 for paperwork, yeah. Probably. That's, that's all out of the bills I get, dude. Another 60,000 here, 70,000 there, 85 over here. I mean, there's six lawyers involved in two states.

So, I mean, it just keeps on adding up. But, you know, look, I married a great girl. She's a great mom to my wife. wonderful children, and God bless her. That's all you can do. That's all you can do. I wanted to find love and be happy and just go about a business, you know? I wish I wanted that for my ex-wife.

I wish I could be positive for my ex-wife. First of all, I don't say what I want for it because you never put it out there. It's like throwing a jab and leaving yourself open. I just leave it in God's hands because, you know, at the end of the day, I'm here. Yeah. And the best revenge is success. You know? Yeah.

So it took me years to learn that and come to terms of that. So now I don't bother nobody, though. No. I don't bother nobody. I really keep it as light as I can. I was telling you that when you walked in before they,

at times, listen, man, I had a really, there's two ways to say, Ralphie Mae, and no way is the truth. I can tell you I had a really shitty childhood, but I could tell you,

I also had a lot of fun by childhood. Right. I couldn't imagine that my mother would have stayed alive. But then she would also find that I got left back when I was a dumb fuck. So God knows what the fuck would have taken it. But at the same time, you know, I had these people around me that were. That at the time I thought I had superpowers because whatever pain I was going through, they made me forgot.

Like either we went to Rudy's or we went to Chans or we smoked a joint or we did a lot of criminal stupid shit, you know? Yeah. And it seems like I've been away from that for 30 fucking years. Like this month, it's dirty. Lee, sometimes you sit there and go, oh my God, I have to do that. Lee, this month is 35 years since I graduated high school. Holy shit. Yeah.

35 years. The other day I got high and everyone's got an anxiety attack when I thought about those dates. I had to do the math on paper. That's how fucking blown away I was. I'm like, I have to do the math on paper because this cannot be 35 fucking years. What you're trying to tell me is that 35 years ago I graduated in high school.

That's what you're trying to fucking tell me. You know what's fucked up? You know, you just said you got left back. They kicked me out of school. I didn't even get to graduate. So like... You didn't graduate on stage either? No, no.

You're a fucking embarrassment that is. I know. And my classes had reunions, and they don't invite. me. I'm the only one from Clarksville, Arkansas that's I don't know, been on TV got nine specials,

Netflix, stand-up comic, and we're not going to have it. It's so crazy. You know, a couple years ago in 2010, the class 2010 wanted me to come

and give the graduation speech and the fucking school. So I canceled a week of work. All right? I get a nice suit made for me. All right. I got my car shined up. I'm ready to go back. Like a doctor and be nice. And two days before, they had one of my old buddies

called me up and go, nah, an insurance guy's going to talk. All right? The kids wanted me, and they invited me, and I accepted it. And so it's like, that whole thing caused me like $60,000 to be called a motherfucker. It's just like, why wouldn't y'all let me be there? I don't know. God bless him. Maybe somebody in Clarksville, Arkansas is a fan of this.

I got my buddy, Dirty Sanchez. He's a, Nicky is right there running a barbecue place with this Peckerwood, White Dillillie, or Pillbilly. So how long ago did you get thrown out of school? I got thrown out of school. When were you were supposed to graduate high school? 1990. So you had 27 years.

27 fucking years. I know. I know. So how long have you been out of high school? 25. How long have you been out of school, Lee? It's going to be 10 years. Fuck this month.

So, yeah, I'm having the reunion. I think it's Thanksgiving week. Which is weird. I don't keep in touch with anybody. One guy. Where are you from, Lee? Right outside of Boston. Oh, okay.

Like North Handover? Sudbury. It's near... Oh, I know where Sudbury is. Oh, yeah, yeah. There used to be a Chinese food place there that had comedy. Oh, yeah, no, they had comedy in Sudbury? Yeah.

I think they had comedy in Worcester. Worcester had it, but and then there's Calloons. Yeah, that's on Route 1. Yeah, it's on Route 1. That's what Dean Day was performed. And then Sudbury had a Mexican, I mean, a Chinese place that I did comedy at one time. It was owned by Nix. So I did that in the 90s.

Was it the Lotus Blossom? Because that's like the only good Chinese place there. I think so. Holy shit. That's crazy. Yeah. I never imagined. In your hometown.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a... I don't... I drove through... Because you always talk about that, Jerry, about, like, seeing where you were. And one of the last times I wanted to go see my mom,

I wanted to go alone. She ended up driving me through the town. We, like, just drove past my old house. And it was weird. It was... Kids I babysat are juniors in college and about to go to college now. You can't go home.

It's different. Yeah, it's terrible. It's just a dirty, I fucking years ago. Are you a different man than you were then? Without a doubt. First of all, I'm a man now. You already doing comedy, right?

You already doing comedy. Yeah. Right. Yeah. In high school, you already doing stand-up. Yeah. Wow. See, that's completely.

I didn't know dick. At 18, 19, I had no fucking idea. I told you why, right? Yeah, well, you want the tech-cettison thing? Well, no, no. Before, the part that made me want to be a comedian and not go to college and or give a shit about high school. because I was going to college and high school at the same time

was I performed at a Shaky's Pizza and I won like 50 bucks and the whole table got a tab okay and they were drinking pictures of beers okay and slipping me one mostly I was fucked up on big red coax okay and shit weed all right and I got a fucking

I was in my 79 Oldsville Cutler Supreme okay Burgundy on Burgundy baby okay and And I was walking out there, and this kind of ugly chick came on when we started talking, and then made out, and she blew me by the fucking dumpster behind Shaky's Pizza on Highway 71 in Fayetteville, Arkansas. And I said, fuck school. Fuck it all.

I want to be a comedian. I just did five minutes that I've never done before, all right? And made people laugh. I got free pizza. I got fucking 50 bucks. and an ugly girl sucked my dick I'm in I'm in I'm all in

but the difference between then and now is I was a kid then I was a kid I was a kid because you know all my friends were much older so they always talked to me as a kid because I was the youngest person

doing stand-up in Houston you know and and I was the kid I had no no peers nobody my age at my level stand up. And I was pushed around

and protected and everything until I got so mad. I almost killed some of those old fucks in Houston. They don't know how close they came. I had a pistol and I was out of my fucking mind. I was fucked up on codeine syrup and I was ready to fucking kill somebody.

Okay, I'm serious. And I moved out here after the Latino laugh fest, Joey Medina, and I met you. And being out here was a chance to remake myself in the image I wanted to be. And it was more, it was harder than what it was in Houston to survive. You know, everything's more expensive. And that really, from 98 till when my father passed, was me becoming a man.

and the last straw was my father passing. I don't think you're a man until until you don't know you're a man until your father passes away and you're no longer a son. You know, you don't have a dad. That's a point where you go, this shit is way the fuck real, okay?

And I've got to get my shit together and, you know, have responsibilities. And that's what, that's the whole thing. That's the difference. But yeah, I am, so we're, When you asked me, if was I the same man as I was then, I say I wasn't a man. You know, had I fucking calming somebody? Yes.

Had I had my dicks up? Yes. Was I 18? Yes. Could I vote? Yes. Was I a dumb fuck? Way yes.

Was I naive and stupid to the ways of the world? Yes. Yes. Without a doubt. And it took me a long time of getting motherfucked to learn that lesson. At 19, I had the mind of a child, but the essence of a man, I had a, you know, it's so weird, like I had to write this thing. I read this book and they wanted you write like your negative, positive stuff. And I wrote, it was a thing like how insecure I always was, but confident at the same time.

Yeah. You know, I remember going into the city with friends of mine and going, when you walk across the street after you cop, you have to see your body. language, you fit right into New York City. I never understood about that until a couple of years ago what he was saying, you know. But at 19, yeah, I had the mind of a fucking child, but the essence of a man, I already had the fucking, like, by 22, I already had the answer where a lot of people... Now, your 22 was a lot different than today's 22. I mean, enough for nothing, it's like, you're 22 with the way you had to be.

come up losing your mom and your stepdad and all the shit you went through you were forced way before the biggest part's about being a man is realizing you got balls for a fucking reason

you've got to live you've got to survive you've got to fucking work nothing is free you got to fucking have it to make it happen and you had to do that you had to fucking live and so you lived with the cop. Okay, you lived with, you know, your other friends and you go drink and the, and the

hashways, you'd go down and get you a yoo-hoo and a roast beef sandwich with mail on white, okay? And you go, you know, she'd throw in a little rice pudding. You were raised by a lot of people, dude, but you had your roots. You know, you had you go around where you are, and you had to survive. And you weren't, you weren't given a choice. Today's kids, they ride bikes with helmets. And And kids go to school. They got $100,000 in college loans. They got a liberal arts degree, and they're living at their mom's house. That was not you.

You had no backup plan. No, there was no backup plan. I wanted a backup plan. I wanted to go to school. Who doesn't? I wanted to go to school. I wanted to have a car like everybody else. Yeah.

I wanted to have nice clothes. There was no backup plan. And you know what? How some people, I always say this, how some people join a cult or some people join in Scientology. Some people joined Bickram Yoga. I took the low, I took the low, what do you call it?

Low hanging fruit. And I became a criminal because that's what I was not raised to be, but groomed. Yeah. I was groomed. I had been shown that as a kid. I'd been shown a lot of avenues. And I knew how easy it was.

Yeah. I'd been doing it, you know. I can't believe that the summer that I turned 16. I hit the number. I hit the number for $2,500 on my birthday guys. That's strong. Did you ever know that, Ralphie?

I don't think I did. It was a two-foot blizzard in Jersey. Holy shit. And what I wanted from my 16th birthday was I started the day of the karate tournament. Yeah? All right. And the deal was I was going to get first place in fighting

and first place in the form. And then I was quitting martial arts. I couldn't take it no more. It was too hard for me to go uptown and play basketball and have a girlfriend and talk to friends. And then in the middle of all this, I got to take a bus to Union City and walk a mile and do karate to 8 o'clock at night, 10 o'clock at night with men.

There was just the schedule was two-packed. And besides, those guys didn't get high. Didn't listen to rock music. I loved them. I loved geeking out with them on the weekends. So that Sunday, I started at a competition, like in fucking Newark. They were going to cancel. but they shoveled the roads

and I got to go to the competition I got disqualified but before I was leaving no I'm lying to you I came back from the competition about 1.30 and North Bergen kids were like what are going to do and I go let's go to the movies let's go to Jersey City for the movies let's take the number one

bus and go to Jersey City so as I was leaving my mother was drinking with the bookie and his wife and his brother and the cousin and the people across the street and my mom looks at me she goes he wants to give you a present. He wants you to put $5 on a number.

What number you want? I got $2.19. And I just left. And I didn't even fucking think about it. Oh, my God. I went to the movies. I bought sporting goods in Jersey City right across the street. I used to buy sporting goods in those days.

They're probably still there. In Journal Square, from where the dude who blew up the World Trade Center the first time, the blind guy, that was his office. Shake Khali. Shake, whatever his name was. but I walk in the fucking door me and my friends got to take off our shoes

and my mother hugs me and goes congratulations you hit the number I go come on what do I win and she goes for 2,000, $2,500 bucks so I gave him a $500

tip nice I gave my mother $500 and I kept $1,500 and the deal was I'm supposed to put it in the bank fuck you I took a nickel out of that

motherfucker and started buying acid every weekend up in Pittsburgh doubling my money tripping my money money every week it was ridiculous I was living like a fucking prince as long as I had that acid I always had 200 cash out yeah because it was an 85 dollar investment and I was getting back 300 so I was making 215 on every hundred Jack I would sell 100 in two days

Lee when you're fucking 16 you're making 215 every two days how so wait how many hits of acid what do you buy 100 for 85 dollars and selling for three and then but did you everything about like what transporting a hundred hits of acid across state lines would have not one time like a look you in the eye and tell you that not one time i knew i was in the cell of this north berg and the high school kids it was a bubble i was completely safe completely safe i would sell black beauties i would sell ups and i dabbled a little bit of wheat a friend of mine joe would sell me a quarter pound for two hundred dollars and i'd sell an ounce for a hundred so you'd make $200 right off the fucking top.

I usually make $150 and smoke pot like a savage for a night with my buddies. Show up with a bag bigger than your fucking head lead. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. That hustle has been taken away in this country. Yeah, for, yeah. See, that that was a hustle. That was a way of life.

Guys like Ralphie enabled guys, they figure out a way how to make a great living and not bust their hump. So what they would do is they would, fuck. I can get a job that they worked eight months of the year, but in June, they were guaranteed laid off. They would collect unemployment until October, and the whole summer, how do you think they lived? They got $450 a week cash from unemployment, plus you made a grand a week, either booking or selling something. Remember, Lee, you could buy 100 qualoons and sell them at the bar in one night. Whoa. So it was $200 for $100 quaiolers.

I don't think I could. Lee, all you got to do is take a piece of this quailout, break it in half, and eat it. Put it in your pocket. You come to my house at 6.30. You come to my house at 8. This is how quick it was, Lee. I swear to my mother's grave. I swear to my daughter, mercy.

You come to my house at 8.30. I give you 100 gorilla biscuits, right? You don't have to wrap them in aluminum 4 on nothing. Just put them in your pocket. I saw it done. I saw guys way dumber than you. And I don't mean that that way. I know guys that are completely idiots.

You're college educated. You just wouldn't know. I have an arts degree. Your body language will give it up. But I know guys like you. Right. Oh, my God. That would live at home with their mothers.

On Friday and Saturday, on Friday I'd see him at 8.30. So quailas. You get them 100 quailas. They go to a bar and they buy the half. Guy like you would just buy the half a gorilla biscuit put it in your pocket. And pretty soon your eyelids start to close like that and people would know. People would walk over to you and say, Lee, what are you holding? That's like an open sign.

You're just telling me off the bat. I got Ludi. Who wants to go to Ludi? Because Lodi was a place in New Jersey. I had Aunt Marty Bell in Lodi, Texas. Okay, that's so funny. So they used to call them Ludi. Lee within, if it was a Friday night and people were doing blow.

At $4 a piece, everybody who would come to you would give you a $20. and take five from here. You think of a little bit of that. Yeah. Nobody would come to you and buy one Kuala. So five people by five. I mean, you wouldn't even believe it.

You'd be back. And once people knew you had gorilla biscuits, good ones on the weekends, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, shit. All you'd have to do is go to three neighborhood bars. You could Uber in between those bars and just drop 60 to 70 off at each bar.

And go on your way. Make your profit. See a guy like Ralphie and go, Ralphie, you want to make an extra money here? I'm going to give you these for $3 a piece, sell them for five. Ralphie's a door man and fucking Jazz LaRue, and you leave the last 30 with Ralphie. He just made yourself 400 fucking bucks, maybe even 600 because you sold 300 of them. That seems a little too easy. That's how easy it was.

That's how easy it is. Did the bee get you? I'm looking for it. I know. It's around here. There's a fucking B in here. It was so crazy when you think about, and am I ashamed of this, Ralphie Mae? You know I can't lie to it.

No. But there was a time I was an under-the-credit fucking credit card dude. And I still, to this day, out of all this shit I did, there's two things that I sit back and giggle and go, how the fuck, not who la-halla hands, the ground round and Sunday. So I look at you as a man. Ground-round. And if you don't believe me, you call George Kowaldeski right now. And that's my witness. All right.

I took George to the ground around the way I would walk in. Do you hungry? Yeah. Come on. Let's take it right. I walk into the ground around where you. Get what you want. It's something like.

You get the soup, the chili. Give them wings. How many wings you want? Six. Give them 12. You're like, look at Joey. And also like, the tab would come. I go, thank you.

And I go, start walking. And you go, why? We ain't paying for this. And you. fucking accomplice. Do you know how many times I did that? I think I did it three or four times in George.

You made him your getaway driver. Oh, yeah. Without even knowing it. No, no, no, no. In those days, there was always a, by the way. I would give you what you're looking for, but it ain't going to come easy to you. You're either going to give me a ride or a shirt.

I got to take a shower at your house. I got to do something. I got to do something. I got to do something. Oh, my God. Yeah, fuck you. You got to give me something. Nothing ain't.

cheap in those days. I'll give you 20 quailudes, but listen, we're going to go to the Bronx. You've got to wait outside this black neighborhood and keep the car on go. You know what I'm saying? Keep the car on go. Lock the windows. Keep it on go. Don't open the window

for anybody. You don't need no air right now. You don't need no air. Just keep fucking free. You have no fucking idea how easy it was to make a living. But I would go in 90, No, in 85, I was the worst I ever was.

The worst I ever was. With cocaine? No, no, no, no. In 85, I was clean. I was spotless. I was just smoking weed like a motherfucker. And I went on a six-month tear in the New York City, Northern New Jersey area. That till this day, they're scratching their heads.

I would dress up in a suit and go into office building and take purses and cash registers and shit. It was fucking envelopes with nothing in it I throw it away. God damn it. I would go to Safeway and steal vitamins and tampons and what's the itch when you're vaginal? What's that stuff do you get?

Cardicil. Yeah, Vagicil. You steal it in Jersey from Fort Lee and I'd walk it over the bridge to Spanish Harlem where they'd pay your top dollar for that shit. I was a walking fucking scam. It was like it didn't stop.

The other one thing I did was I got three credit cards in my wallet that were expired, expired, and expired. One was hot and expired. And I got away with this for six months. Well, that's when they just did the paper. Three times a week, Lee,

I would eat at a fine restaurant, a tremendous lunch. Jesus. On the arm for free. I always left the cash dip. I was never a piece of shit day. They invented cameras because of you, I think. I think like because of people are like...

Lee, you gave them me a card. It was under $50, and it was the lunchtime crowd. Your restaurant had to be packed. Yeah. It had to be packed. If you went in there when you were empty. They can't look at it too long. They couldn't look at it too long.

They would have to take, when they had three of them for lunch, you'd go to a restaurant. They had three things. In those days, they didn't call. If it was under $50, $28, 32, they didn't call. They just wanted this chink, ching. You signed, and they gave you the card back. Did you look at the names and only get, like,

mail? Who like not like a black dude? He was Olivia for a week. No, no, no, listen. I became whatever name you gave me. Olivia Lewis. Whether it was Mohammed, Ching, Saoho. I was a Chinese guy for about two months.

When I lived in San Francisco dog, I was a Chinese guy for at least two or three months. Because I used to go to that fucking Japan town up in San Francisco. And they were the only people that would take travelers checks without a credit card, without a license. They were in on the movement. The Yakuz are. I didn't even sign for that credit card, dude. You can't. You have no idea.

That's how it was, man. You got to talk to the people like you own the joint. Let me get that watch. Let me try it on. All right, let me get this one. What else you got? Let me get that one too. Boom.

What's your name? Sam. What's happening? Sam? Everything, all right? I made your date today. You're going to make a nice commission. You take a visa,

credit card, American Express, Diner's Club. What do you take? And here, I'm holding a visa. Yeah, but you know what I'm saying? I'm holding a visa. But I'm throwing different options at you. I got Discover, I got Amics, what do you want? I got a silver card.

I've seen you do that. No, dog. You got to walk in there like you own the fucking place, Lee. Oh, my God. And the guy would be smiling and having a great time. You give him the card. He's, thank you for coming. Thank you for coming, Mr. Kim.

Thank you, yes. They're not going to argue with you. Every once in a while they ask you for a license. Yeah. One out of ten times you got to ask for a license. Then you got to run out of it, then you lost the credit card. The credit card was hot and hot. Remember, in those days, it wasn't what it is now.

If I stole a credit card in L.A. and I sent it to you overnight mail in Jersey, you had two days to go bananas. Because it would only break down in zones. So it would break down in the West Coast zone, the mountain, the whatever. If you did it on Friday, you had till Tuesday. Oh, Lee, there was a thousand scams. Remember, in those days, I would say to you, Lee, give me a nickel. I'm going to give you back $5.50. I got to do that.

Watch me. I go buy $500 with $1.00. the travelers checks and we get your fucking 30 cents on the dollar, whatever, and then we bang your t-shirts. You have no idea. You have no fucking idea. I can make your day. I can say, you'll leave.

You need a VCR? Yeah. Give me a hundred bucks because I'd use the travelers checks. It would cost me nothing. The travelers checks would cost me nothing. Okay. Dirty cents on the dollar, maybe, maybe a favor. Like in those days, the Cubans used to get a ton of travelers checks,

but they couldn't use them because they didn't speak English. so I was the only motherfucker that I blowed so they'd tell me what they want up in Japan town I'd get it for them but charge them a Vig for doing it from I'm like go 50% on them and what were they gonna do they couldn't use them themselves they couldn't even speak to fucking language Oh my God

fucking crazy This is why this shit that keeps me up in there How do you come up with this stuff as like just on the fly This is your own business like it's you're running a empire You're out there you're a one-man army on a daily basis you wake up in the morning, you go to a chartis, you order breakfast and you put it on a tab, and you tell them you're going to be back by five.

And let me tell you something, you want to know about pressure, when you put breakfast on the fucking tab, and you got to come back by five with $10. So I got to make time. I'm already minus 10, and it's 9 a.m. I got to put this fucking day together here. I got to do a half gram tonight's ladies' night at fucking Apollo.

I got to come up with a loose shirt. I got to go to fucking Walmart. In those days, there wasn't a Walmart. Strawberry daugries. Yeah. You know, you got to come up with a yardstick for that. Somebody's getting robbed today. What a fucking nightmare.

You have no idea, Lee. You have no fucking idea. I'm very happy that whole shit. Today I was talking to Larry, when we're talking about something. We're talking about businesses. And he goes, what if you just took the little business and moved it to Vegas?

Let me explain something here. That taught borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Eventually, they got to nail you on something. They're going to realize you don't live in Vegas or some bullshit, and you're going to go away. That was me, 35 years ago. Yeah.

Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, let's do it. Who gives the fuck? With no repercussion at all. It's the repercussion that fucking kills you. Right. Yeah. I had, when I moved in, I didn't transfer my electric.

It was just on. I had it for like a year and a half, and they just turned it off one day. I had to go in and pay, I think it ended up being like $1,400. What are you going to know? Jesus. You know, it's funny how. Poor Matt Becker. I quit high school.

that August, like that August before my senior year, I was like, there's no sense of me going back. Oh, my kid. What am I going to do my life? I was at that point, I go, what am I going to do? I go to school. I go, this is a job. A Cheonian.

They promote from within. These guys make money. I knew all about this company because I had worked for a lumberyard. That was a Mazbek century hardware chain. This was the warehouse. So I would talk to the guys that delivered all this shit and they were telling me how much they enjoyed working there and one day I realized it was down the block from where I was living

and I went from being a daytime shift guy to a nighttime loader. So I said, what was I got to school for? I'm making 15 an hour. This ain't bad at all. I could do this forever. This takes me fucking four hours at night. And you know what, bro? I went back like in November and I pegged it out.

I tried to do all the credits and they came back to me and they said, you're not going to graduate on stage. And I said, then what the fuck am I doing this for? Yeah. And I don't get invited to anything. I know. Nothing. I know.

Listen, guys, I'm over it already. I know, right? It's like, I have to be over it. I miss a lot of those people. No, no, but I talk to a lot of those guys. Yeah, I don't. See, I talk to a lot of those guys, especially now. Lately, the last few years, in fact, I want to give a shout out to my buddy's having

open-heart surgery. fucking Wednesday if I didn't have Brayor this weekend and my wife didn't pick if my wife didn't pick Tuesday tomorrow to fly

I would have fucking flown back to New York at least Monday this guy went to my mom's wake wow like I go back that deep with Steve Villo and his family and shit so I'll be praying for my

they opened a fucking heart surgery. Plays in the band. Went home one night. They got a rush to the hospital. His heart was beating two months. Don't do drugs. Yeah. Hasn't done a drug in 20 fucking years.

Then it happened again. He had an episode again. So they said they have to do something to his valve. Wow. But I was all four years at that kid. That's fucking amazing. 35 years. And guys, you're listening to this podcast.

I'm like, what the fuck is Joey talking about? Let me tell you what's talking about? It goes fast, motherfuckers. It goes real fast. Real fast. I know next year I'll know Ralphie 20 years, right? Yeah. 98.

That's how fast this motherfucker knows. I know Ralphie from an apartment to getting a dog, to get married, to having a big house, to having two kids, to having two houses. And a bus. Now back to one house. Now back to... Or no house. It's fucking Reno, Tahoe, and back to the ghetto.

I'm so lucky, dude. The guys at Caesars are just treating me super nice now. You know, I mean, it's phenomenal. They're class acts, you know, and I can't be mad the way I'm being treated or nothing. I can't even gripe. Well, listen, brother, like I tell people all the time that you said that when we were talking earlier about there's no escalated to the top. You know, you're not getting paid right now. You're getting paid for this shit you did when you went up to Visalia and your fucking keys fell down the elevator.

Oh, my God. I remember that. Okay. And you had to get, you know, who does that happen to her? Lee, who does that happen to me? That you go to a fucking gig, you do a great job, you spent the night, you wake up the next morning, you go to the fucking elevator, you go, oops. Your keys go down that one little crack. And I heard they held for like a minute.

Yeah. I heard they held. By the time you bent over, you shoot the elevator. I could see them. I could see them going down as it hit the light of every elevator. So I saw them, and I could see them down at the bottom. And I'm just like, I got hit by a kid who was coming in from the swimming pool. Okay.

And I had the keys in my hand. And I got hit by that little girl on my hand. And boom, they just right in the middle. It took two years. but the Hilton there or the Marriott, whatever it is. They gave me my keys back. But luckily, I had an extra key in the car, so all I had to do was get it open.

And it was Saturday, and they couldn't get an elevator guy. No. I mean, there was a thousand fucking by the ways. Yeah. And that's why I tell everybody, like young comics, like the other day I bumped to some dude when I was at my family. And on the way out, he goes, oh, you know, I've seen you at the comedy store. I just got into it.

I've been doing it a year. He goes, what is it? What is it? tell me, and I go, time. Yeah. Time and mileage. If you do eight fucking open mics tonight, I guarantee

you 20 fucking years from now, you'll fucking get paid. Because that effort will not be fucking gone on notice. Trust me what I'm telling you. You'll know, too. You'll know. Sometimes they give you a check, you look at it, you go, that's for that fucking time. I finger bang that Indian chick in Twin Falls Idaho

on a triple run. Yeah. Triple run would sing you to all these fucking play. That sounds like fun, though. Why are you getting paid for it? You know what, bro? Triple runs. Lee, if I had the time, I'd go do one. I would take you on a two-week triple run and hire you as the chauffeur just so you see. You know what?

You would tap by the third night. No, I love it. I would love it. You know, it's great. I can do them now. I did one basically earlier this, or last year, but I did it a bus. Yeah, but it was a bus. It was great.

It was great. I guarantee I wouldn't quit. I mean, Lee, this is. But you're in a car and you're driving 12 hours. 12. Lee. And then you're driving, and then the next day you gotta get up and drive another 12 hours.

And then the next day you drive another 12 hours. And then the last day you drive an hour. And then the Thursday, and you've crisscrossed where you're gonna be. Like you're gonna be. And then you have to come back to that area. Yeah, yeah. You're in Wenatchee.

It's crazy, Lee. And then you're in Missoula. And then you're in Yakima. But Yakima and Winachia are only like eight miles apart. Yeah. In Montana. Fucking Montana. Lee, it's fucking crazy.

Then you got to go to Lewiston. And then you got to go to Lewiston. you got to go over to fucking Oregon, and you're in fucking Coos Bay, and then the next day you're in Spokane. You're like, I drove through Spokane five fucking times. Cooz Bay. I forgot all about Cousbay, Oregon.

Man, how good is the fucking crab meat there? Jesus Christ. No, no, no. The elite is... I started one from Houston that took us into somewhere in Idaho, and then we got up the next morning, because there's some days you drive eight hours.

there's something because you got to remember we got to do a show so i get off stage of 11 11 30 you got to have a drink they pay you you got to talk shit these people don't see civilization they don't see anybody you're the biggest thing that's coming to that town since fucking the guy who shot the president came in there since steve pre fontaine yeah no no no no it's it is crazily And God forbid if you do radio Like you usually go to some college station And you do radio on those times They'll come out

Yeah You really live in California What's that like? So you gotta talk to them Lee So we're getting back to the room at 1-1.30 We're up at fucking 7.5 Driving 10 hours to 5, 5.30 Get to the hotel, take a shower, eat,

do the fucking show Go right back to bed And fucking do it all over again hopefully we catch a six-hour drive. But Friday, you catch like a 10. And then if you're lucky, it's the same place, maybe an hour. But don't bet on it. Some nights you got to fucking drive all night.

Yeah, yeah, because you got to beat snow. You got to beat the snow. You got to beat the fucking snow. And now you got to drive back all Saturday night after you've done all that driving. How did you do it, Joey, without the GPS? Like, can you read a map? Yeah, motherfucker. This was 1995, Lee.

You bought a map. You had a 50 state map. Yeah. Okay? At that time, my vision was a lot better than what it is now. I tapped out once I moved to L.A. L.A. had a different thing.

Thompson guy. Thompson guy. That confused the shit out of me. I'm no fucking Phi Beta Kappa here. I'm okay with maps because I was a Boy Scout for three or four days. Okay, I was a wee blow four. Five days. Yeah.

I was one of those assholes. Aero five days. So some about my, something in Miami, I learned how to read maps. So when I got into the triple runs, you had to get the state and drive it out and then go to that page and put like a fucking,

a paper clip on that page and your page and get the connector. And then I would circle that. And then I would get the directions from them also. They also sent you directions. They would also. send you the night of your gig and how you were going to get there. So to the next gig.

So how you got there, let's say your week started Tuesday through Saturday. That's five nights. How you got to Wenatchee, Washington, that's your department. That's your problem. Once you get to Wenatchee, Tuesday night, you're going to go to

the place, the Palm Springs of Washington. You just said it before. Yakima. Yakima. Washington. and then you're probably going to go to Missoula on fucking... Now, people like Donna Richards in those days and the other lady, they had runs, but their runs were like four hours in between. That's not manageable. That's not bad at all.

No, those other ones, those triple runs, they were 12-hour run, kids. And like what happens with weather, construction? Fuck you. If... Let's pretend, let's pretend that there's a gig and it's seven-year. and it's seven hours and it's me and Ralph and we're pretty legit

with each other and we hear there's going to be snow guys like me and Ralphie go you know what time it is no doze and Mountain Dew yeah might as well no doze and Mountain Dew pack the car

pack the fucking car and right from the stage we get right in the car the hotel knows we're coming with comedians and we'll get there as the snow starts yeah

by the time we're getting to that city the snow started getting hit. We're catching it as we're driving at night. Yeah, there's different strategies. It sounds silly, but how would you find the weather out at that point? Was it the TV? Radio.

They had the radio for all over the country? Yeah, but we also read the paper, you know, that's, I still do that. I still like reading a newspaper. You sure don't know. And it's like nobody does it anymore. Nobody does it. I don't read the LA paper. I'm not going to lie to you.

If I know, it's got no fun. Every once in a while, I pay the $2.50 for the New York Post. Right. At the airport, I rip it off because it's a federal charge. Yeah, right. You know me? I want to be locked up next to fucking, what's his name for a week? So I get some info out of them.

Maybe we'll call into the podcast. You know what I'm saying? Fucking El Chapo. Somebody. You never know you got to bump inside there. So funny. I wish my memory was clear of those times. There's maybe like three or four prisoners, maybe five that I had time with that I remember.

that from time to time their name will pop up and I'll look him up on Facebook one kid I found his son Oh wow And we communicated for a while Then I don't know what happened there And the rest of the guys

Like I remember Etchy He's a black dude That was like from Indiana I did time with him He was cool as fuck Spencer Antoine I looked up First of I'm 50 Spencer's got to be fucking 80

Because when I was 25 He was 55 Wow. Right? So I was doing time when I was 25. But I loved to reconnect with him and just talk some shit.

All the dudes in the AIDS unit, they got to be dead. That was 87. That was way before the medication. And they weren't looking too good then. There was a black dude in the age unit. They thought he was going to die way, but he made it.

But at the time I got out, I got out of the half of. house. He was still there. When I worked with Katie Siegel on Superior Donuts, I felt like pulling her over and going, you don't understand how many times I watch you in the age unit. That fucking show

Married with Children on Sunday nights. Oh yeah. We'd get a bunch of food from the visitations and we'd fucking watch Married with children. Like eight prisoners and the dudes who had the AIDS they wouldn't leave their bedroom. They would stay in that bedroom.

We were cool with shit with them, bro. We would knock on their door and make them come out and eat. We used to have tons of food, man. Is that me? It's not me. No, it's not me. My phone's off. I'll turn mine off.

Maybe it was mine, I don't know. No, it's kind of weird, the characters I met when I was locked up. Yeah, right? It's kind of, even when I was in rehab. I went to this Puerto Rican rehab in Boulder like it was. It was such a scam. Dude, you should have gone to my mom. My rehab.

Oh, no. My rehab was nice, dog. No, no, this was. Nice. Listen, this one, you paid them the money and they just winked at you. Oh, no. They were like, listen, when that was going on. This one had you chatting.

You could stay here for 22 years. Ain't nothing going to change, you. They told you that going on it. Massages and stuff. Yeah, just give us the envelope. We'll run to the court and we'll let you blast off whenever you want. Just show up, be early for the meetings. That wasn't mine, man.

That was not mine. Really? They worked on your husband. I'm right over there. Fucking, I ain't. How won't you stay in rehab? Two days. No, I wish.

You know, I was out of there two days. I would have been out of there. But my wife was like, you're not coming to my house. Okay. And I'm like, what the fuck? And they gave me a fucking ad van, okay, that I'd never taken that shit before. And I woke up 24 hours later, okay? 24 hours, the whole day later in my own piss, okay, going, I just pissed myself.

What the fuck did y'all give me? I just smoke weed. I was taking some pills, but I wasn't taking that motherfucker, all right? I swear to God. Oh, my God, Coco. What do you recommend it? I've been taking names. Ralphie Mae, tell me the story that had you run in the airport like O.J. Simpson.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It sucks so bad. They got that. And it's like, you know, as mad as my wife was, she's like she's like hey he's got to get out the earn okay so so it was rehab rehab

I'm out okay I'm out and about to come back and make me take piss test there's nothing in it again I'm like I told y'all what the fuck let's just go but it was good to get my head right

how many how long did you stay in rehab 34 days that's nice yeah it was great I ran it out to the insurance and said fuck it we're out insurance billed it yeah they paid for the whole thing almost of it they still cost me like 60 grand when you went to the rehab did it help you you know what it didn't I didn't have I wasn't

addicted to drugs I was of gonna be because I had PTSD and and and and and and and I would have been I really do you have me in PTSD I think he's a cocksucker that's why he loves I'm just trying to think what he's got PTSD. I was there on many occasions. Was it the fall on Gardner? No, no, no, no. Rolfi, may, get up. They're thinking they're going to fuck you.

Was it the time we found the hooker? I mean, there was a lot of situations when you could have gotten PTSD. That's all I'm saying. No, no, no. It was when I almost died in Tampa, but you were fucking such a dick. All right? I know. Put the sandwich down. That's what it means for Ralphie, you told me that joke one time.

You go, you got PTSD. I mean, put the sandwich down. That's the problem you got. But I would have been addicted. I would have been. I ain't no doubt about it. And I got, I got, I'm on Lexa Pro and Lomicto now. And man, I feel phenomenal.

I feel phenomenal. I'm not fucking bad about nothing. You should be like a rap on the commercials for them. Man, I feel a dollar shave club. I can do it all day. What's Lexa Pro for? It's an antidepressant. And what do you, does your dick still get hard?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's got to be a by the way. No, no, no. With the lamental, my cums are like twice what they used to be. Okay? It makes your fucking semen load twice as much, all right? Which means my nuts get a little sore, so I got to fucking drop a batch. I'm pretty regular, okay?

But, man, it's like more volume than it's like a fucking wet sock or a ladle of pancake batter up against the wall. it's like it's like stymie when he got hot with the lake I'm over here laughing because there was two other times when Ralph we got PTSD when I was there

two other time not 200 the one time he got up yelling and his head went into the light bulb but it burned the top of the sky that's not PTSD that was hilarious and sleeping next to Jody Furty

when she's passed out and you want a finger on the day And you gotta sit there for an hour Wacking off in your pants Don't give you PTSD Me and Ralphie would play fucking drink a pool with Jody And we'd sit there praying

For how to just take a clothes off A blowball Oh my God It was tired of it. Oh my God Fucking crazy days Lisa At 20 years of comedy in LA Fucking fucked up building

just... It's so crazy, dude. You know, like, I was at the story last night. And, like, the new comics, they don't have a lot of camaraderie like we do. Like, the same guys that we used to roll with, I saw last night. And it was like, I haven't,

even though I haven't seen them in a year, it was like, I saw him last week. You know what I mean? Because we were down so much, you know? I, like Mike Young, okay? I saw Mike Young. It was good to see Mike. Yeah, right.

It was good to see Brody Stevens last night. No shit. Chris DeLeah had me dying. Dude, you had me dying with that fucking harp. He was doing something about Tupac. That when Tupac was dying in Vegas, he was taking his last couple of breaths to cop one up to him. I said, Tupac quickly, please just give us something. Tell us who shot you.

You saw who shot you. And Tupac took a minute and gave the cop the finger. So he did this whole bit on how. You know, would he give the cop the finger? You know what I'm saying? If he got shot, the shit. So I was back there, Stone to the Gills. I like Sunday nights at the store.

Me too. I like the off fucking nights. Yeah. There's no off nights at the store no more. Dude, it was, I had to sit on a stool. Yeah. On the doorman stool to watch the show. So that was PTSD.

There was a couple times you with me. No, it was just fucking me dying. It was me almost dying. and not being able to breathe for 11 days and no sleep. It fucking broke you. You know what I mean? I couldn't sleep for nine days straight. I was in ICU.

I had this thing breathing for me. I couldn't go to sleep. And so they were sucking stuff out of my lungs. And it was brutal. It was fucking brutal. And that's why, like, I can't sleep with on white sheets. because it reminds me of the hospital. I have a really hard time sleeping

because I don't want to... If I go to sleep, I think I'll die. All right? And so that's why I take the pills now and now I get sleep and I'm not crazy no more. Good. Where's Tony Bennett?

I'm sorry. Did I tell you he came to one of my shows one time? Absolutely. He's so cool, man. I want to be around to pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart, some somebody twice as smart as I'm somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me, Who'll leave you to learn

That misery loves company Wait and see I mean I want to be around Real quick, Two Boartack Phil P. Marchetti Dominic Salas, you fucking savage Lemon GF,

Tony Eichenlaub, Uki Spooky, Andrew Walsh and my main motherfucker Joe Abraham you know what I'm saying Hey I got one

I got a fan A buddy of mine His name's John Roberts Listen to this guy He's an Ojibah Indian Okay On the Red River Reservation

Of a northern Minnesota He has I think nine kids adopted And he's a stand-up comic And he's a member Of what's happening now Give him a shout out there Fuck yeah

John Roberts you're a fucking funny motherfucker, all right? And I worked with him. The guy's great. He's fucking phenomenal comic. Was that part of the fucking court agreement? No, no, no, dude. The natives, they like me, man.

I've raised a bunch of money for him. And I, like, man, you know, I'm glad that thing happened. I didn't know how fuck the Indians were. Did you know how fuck they are? Yes, I know. I didn't know that. I thought, like, after, like, the Trail of Tears, Because I went to school in Arkansas.

You know, they didn't put, oh, this is what happened to the Indians. Okay? It's like, after the Trail of Tears, I guess I thought everything just worked out. Raffir May. Let me explain something to you. I grew up with a cast of characters that would say things to you. And you would have to look at them and you wanted to question them. But, you know, you were way beyond the question because they were so real.

Yeah. You had 30 seconds to decide where this motherfucker was coming from. And they would say shit from Darren Rago to Timmy Hollow. Today Timmy Holloway sent me a tweet. And one night, it's 1984. It's the height of cocaine. Everybody's doing it. Miami Vice is on.

You can't talk to a motherfucker that's not snorting, smoking bazookas or whatever the fuck it is. And we're standing in front of Caucasus. I'll know if I can live, I can live to be 80. Now, Timmy's brother was my age, who's crazy, Very funny. I'm very low-key. You don't like no drama.

You don't like people in long hair. You know what I'm saying? You know those fucking dudes. I will never forget this. What about Rager? Who? Was it Rager? Rago.

Rago. Rago wasn't there that night. Rago at that time was in love. At that time, this was the cocaine crew. It was me, the Pelican, Stinky, and Fernie. No. Fernie was murking, but not really. He was mad at me.

So that was the original three, and then Timmy, and then we had, you know, whatever. But us three always try to find the way to get a package. Lobes. Vanieri was in the circle back then. I like Vanierre. Very, he was the driver. We would always work for him and shit like that.

What the fuck am I talking about here? What about Ralph Fuso? Ralph Fuso. I grew up with it, but Ralph Fuso was a bit of a different. different. He was a nice kid. He was a nice kid. He was a really nice kid.

So we're standing in front of Quarkies. It's a Saturday night. It's 2 in the fucking morning. And there's a commotion outside. We're inside. I'm sorry. And we go outside and somebody yells that. I'm the guy, I'm standing

at Roger, your brother's outside. Come on out. And Roger goes, what the fuck? So I walk out there with him and Stinky walks out and somebody else. I don't forget that the little brother's out saying. He's like, I want to see what the how he were doing. But the little brother left the car lights on.

He left the car around, double parked with the hazard lights. With the hazard lights. Yeah? I don't know if he bends on and goes, Timmy, what's the circus in town? Go turn the fucking lights off. What's the circus in time? My point being that, you know, I grew up with people who would say shit to you

And it's always something Let me tell you something out for me I love you to death Because the last 20 years You've made it Cool for me to be alive Like you've made it You've made it this acceptable

Like when you used to go on the road And come back two weeks later I loved you because you got me weed And shit like that But I really love seeing it Because I really missed you I figured without you I'm at the store by myself

I'm fighting these motherfuckers We were It was me and you. In that little fucking apartment, and it was just a crazy situation. That's what this began. And I would tell you shit, and we would giggle. And it's just weird that every time, you know,

the hospital, the PTSD, the fucking, you know. Yeah, I was going to ask you, Ralphie, how do you, like, survive 20 years? Joe, he's, like, like, you're like, like, the longest running. Yeah, longest running friend.

You have a fucking idea. All right. First of all, build up a tolerance to that weed, okay? All right, you got to be of a mind. Now, have you been a getaway driver yet? No. I'm not aware of anything. No, no, no, no, no.

You haven't been a getaway driver yet? I don't believe so. And Coco's not the same cocoa he was. No, no, no, no. And, I mean, while you were, well, you get the Bolivian flu every once in a while, you never fucking brought it around me. No, no, no, you know, you know, you respect. Right, right.

but nothing disrespectful You know, like, like If, like, when I first got here in Houston If you had to put out Coke right there, oh, I had to die. All right, all right, but you're always a gentleman. Always a gentleman about it. I wasn't even talking about that.

I was just talking about like him torturing you like mentally. Oh my God, the tortures. Okay, all right. I broke my fucking hand. I hit a guy at the fucking air, I mean, at the, at the post office. because he pushed an old lady down

because she couldn't hear the Asian lady she was an old Russian lady all right and he couldn't hear the Nets go net please okay and so the Russian lady was standing there and this douchebag L.A. guy pushed her and she fucking snapped her fucking arm

Oh my God. Yeah right in front of me so I turned around and hit the guy and it fucking broke my hand okay and so I go home I'm fucking talking Joey and I'm shook up man I'm like Coco

is like a shark if he smells blood in the water if you're upset about something that's what he's going for all right so so he called me up and go get out of there get out of there right now

the police are coming right now because you knock the guy out for it's go out the back door I'm outside at Elcompadre all right go out the back door right now. And I ran out the back door thinking like that and I didn't have my keys. So I got locked myself out of the back of Gardner. So I had to walk all and I was

you know you're fat, you're mad. Okay, you're mad. Like now I got to walk around the goddamn front. I hate to get in there. I'm hiding, thinking about doing a couple down to Josh Wolf's house, okay? You know, what do I do? It's crazy. How many getaway drivers I use. I use. that I had to cut up piece in and this crazy how many getaway drivers I did

something with until today they have no idea went down yeah I think I'm in that group maybe no not like a getaway but like no idea a fast leaving you have no idea and you know

what's crazy like I remember like four of them now I don't remember the good ones when you come back bleeding and the people like what's what happened you come back like OJ Your hands are cut, your eyebrows out of fire Your shirt's ripped Yeah

And what the fuck were you? Oh, I had to go take my shirt out of the laundry You fucking retarded Are you fucking crazy You're bleeding from your hand It's gashed in the death Man, I tell you Oh my God, Lee

When When I remember the funniest One of the funniest mornings We get up and have coffee At like 9 o'clock And I was I thought you were going to be at the house.

I thought, you know, he's got a key. Just come in before I could lay down on the futon. Go to bed, all right? You know, maybe take a shower and go to sleep. All right? We didn't give a shit. All right. And Joy wasn't there.

And it was about 10 o'clock. And I made breakfast and no cocoa. What happened? So I go over to Gavin Boyds. And there's the king of the zombies having Bolivian flu like a motherfucker. And then you're sitting up just to talk to me, trying. And you smell like pussy and coke and booze. Oh, my God.

Well, I mean, a lot of pussy. A lot of pussy. And Gavin Boy was like this. And his little shit dogs ran up to you. And pissed on your head. That little shit dog. Yeah. What a fucking asshole.

They're both dead. They're both dead now, I guess. Fuck them with those ugly little fucks. Fuck him. He thought it was cute and shit. I know. That's such a big move. Fucking crazy shit, man.

Listen, this year's going to be 10 years since I haven't done that powder. Dude, I know. 10 years since Maryland has been dead. Yeah, I know. 10 years since I haven't done fucking powder. It's so crazy.

A couple days after Maryland died. A couple fucking days after she died. I was like, you know what? I'm going to give her a little bit. with a breather. Man, she was so sweet. Yeah, nobody even says anything anymore.

That's what killed in people like, nobody mentions Freddy Soto. Nobody mentions Mitch Mullaney. Nobody mentions Mitch Hedberg, except for the fucking take his jokes. Nobody remembers nobody. You know, it's like, they, A, pay no respect,

and they never developed that type of friendship. Well, a lot of, you know, people Listen, when I was a kid, who were the big people I died? Like Elvis died when I was fucking 13. That was craziness. That was a week of craziness in this country with Elvis died. But I still remember Freddie Prince shooting himself.

Wow. That was fucked up, man. Yeah. That was fucked up. A couple months ago, I discussed Freddie Prince Jr. coming on the show. and I just wanted to refresh my memory and I went on Wikipedia and Wikipedia that night

What I remember from that night was, bro, I was fucking young, Ralphie. I was young, but I was starting to not drink but I was starting to smoke refo and shit like that like. And I would smoke reefer and go up town high

and then I would eat pizza at Blue Flame Pizza, which was the spot in those days. And after you ate the pizza in those days, You had about an hour and a half of giggles in you. Then you'd go home. Right. You know, you had about an hour after you ate the pizza. You vizened again after the pizza.

Then you vizened again. The smell of pizza. If you put garlic on your pizza, that kills everything. That kills the weed and stuff like that. So that was the fucking call. But when you got high in those days, you know. But I still remember going uptown on the way down. Because on Fridays, was Chico and the man.

Yeah. That was such a great show. At Sanford and Son. Which was the same show. It was the same show. But, but. But Freddy was so goddamn more funnier than Lamont. Lamont sucked.

All right. Like, I wanted Freddy to be Red Fox's son. All right. That would have been a hell of a show. And then have Shady Grady come in. Okay. All this fucking crazy buttons. Shady Grady.

But I was out that night. I was out that night. In those days, I don't know what my curfew was, maybe 11. Like, it was a curfew, but not really a curfew. How old were you? If I was lurking in the neighborhood, you know, that type of shit. Because in those days, your call time was 10. But if you hung in front of the house, they let you hang to 11.

Do you follow I'm saying? Yeah. So don't get off that fucking stoop. Don't make me look out this door, and you're playing up. the fucking corner after all the years out. If you're gonna stay out till 11, I want you on these fucking stairs, and that's what you did. So some people had like a loose schedule.

You know what I'm saying? You know, a little bit of a loose schedule. I remember that I found that Friddy Prince fucking iced himself. I still remember the walk. I had to walk through a cemetery. That was the first time I cut through that cemetery because it takes like four miles off your walk. From uptown to downtown,

there's a back fucking road back there. And people would say, be careful because they were devil worshippers. But I walked back there, like, three kids, and I saw some people doing some Santeria, and they may believe they were going to chase us, but they didn't chase us. The other guys ran.

I ran, like, for five minutes. I was tired. I'm like, fuck this. You jump in, like, by 64th Street, and you jump out by 51st Street. It was a tremendous little fucking... But those gravesites were old dog. Like, there was a lot of gravesites.

sites there from 1860s, the concrete was broken, the headstone was already broken and shit. You would die. Man, what are you going to do? Time flies. You know, it's like comedy has so many people

that just are gone. You know, I mean, and like over the 20 years, the cast of characters, like, that we knew that were, like, really good. And, like, where are they now? You know?

that are no longer even in comedy. It's crazy. Last night, I was standing where you were standing. Last night I got to the thing. I saw Chris DeLeia. I gave him a hug. Chris Spencer was up on stage. And I walked into the...

That guy is so funny. Yeah, I walked in. I gave the Chinese kid a hug. Hang hold. Fung. Fung. Whatever's name is that. Yeah, he's my man.

That cool motherfucker. Dude, I got an offer to go to do a bunch of gigs in China, and I'm going to bring Fung. Fung's a funny dude, man. He's a funny dude, man. He's a funny. dude and it's like that guy's got heart i mean he's got mouser feet too yeah yeah he's got mouser feet but i went out i gave my hug i said a little to the window girl and i went out in

the hallway where you walk in and i laid against the wall and there was nowhere that said i listened to christelia yeah and i started looking at the pictures lee i saw three people there that i was super tight with that have vanished from my life i couldn't tell you where where they are. Right. What happened to them. It was crazy how many people on that wall that I was like, wow. They used to be here every night.

Yeah. They were doing this. They were doing that. They just disappeared. I just did a show of Connecticut, Mohican Sun, and Beaumont Bacon Show them. Get the fuck out of here. Came me a big hug. I gave her a big hug.

Told her I loved her. Told her I was dead of the night. She rocked the main room. Man, I saw that. That pissed a lot of people off. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. She fucking rocked that spot. Yeah, yeah, no, no.

I was there that night. So it's just crazy that you look at these people and you go, fuck, I got a spot at 10.30 at the store. How lucky am I? 20 years later, I'm still doing a Sunday night spot at the fucking store. And now the difference between 20 years and now is that 20 years ago, this room would have been 60 people. Less.

And a great room. Don't get me at the room. It would have been a great educational room. The time we'd get on, because we'd get bumped down. You know, first of all, you hear Andrew's coming. No, no, no, no, no. And Eddie's coming. I wouldn't, nobody said, let me explain to you how to mind that Joey Diaz were.

Okay, number one, at that time, I was in addict, Lee. Let me explain some to you, Lee. You want to learn from the Jew? God put you in the right Jew's hand. There was a way to make money out the story. There's a couple angles to make money at the store. You could get the main room, which I never got. Not because I didn't want it.

Every once in the long, she gave me a Saturday night in there, and that put an extra $100, $1.50 in your pocket. But you didn't get rich in that. You didn't get rich in the ORE. You get $15 a spot. But she cut me a deal one night. She goes, do you want a host? And she goes, how about you?

To work the door, from 7 to 10, I'll give you 25 bucks. And then you host from 10 to close. I'll give you another 25 bucks. I go, that's great. But that's a lot of walking for 25 bucks. So I got an idea. I took Andrew's phone number down.

I took Eddie Griffin's number down. And I took Joe Rogan's number down. Okay? And I took anybody who had bumping privileges numbered down, whether it was Paul Mooney. All of them. Yes. Sunday afternoon.

Because, listen, I can go to the store on Sunday. The guy who sold Coke worked the door. So guess how I worked it? I would get on stage, do my tent, put up Andrew, Eddie, or Paul, and that's an hour. Easy. I could go, do a few bumps, have a few cocktails, get the party started. And right before they get off, I go to Dom Barris and go,

guess who the host is the rest of the night? And I, who me, and I give him the microphone, and I'd be out of there by 1115 with a package. I picked up this half a yard. I hosted, I did comedy, I did my job for the night. Yeah, who's better than me? That was my most favorite night at the store was Sunday nights. Because I'd host until 1130.

Dude, I used to love Sundays because we would, I'd always have cookouts behind the apartment. You know, even though I had a studio. And it was, I mean, it was a murderer's role of comedians at those fucking bar. Covecues. All right. And that night you cooked the turkey at four in the morning or something.

So good, though. But can you do something crazy like that? I know a couple. One night we went over there and your buddy, we pulled over and he was talking to a hooker. And then when he got back to the hotel room, he said he was a friend of his and shit. That's what there was a lot of hookers on.

Yeah. Jesus Christ from Fairfax to LaGraya, a little bit down. Foxy White Chicks. Lee, it was. It was crazy. You were pulled down. Didn't like some black girls and stab somebody? To this day, until this day, after 10 o'clock,

what a lot of people don't know. And if you do it, there's a cop there, they'll nail you. Oh, yeah. Fuck you. They will. By Gardner, by Curseon. The street after the suns. It's when it starts.

It's where it starts. If you make a left, if you're headed to the comedy store, and you make a left before Fairfax, and there's a cop day, you will get pulled over. You get a ticket. dude. It's like $200-something dollar ticket. You make a left on those streets. I did that. Because me too. Me too.

Because I was fucking going to see Doug and he turned me turn around so I fucking turned down cars on like you would to go to Doug's apartment. And motherfucker, it's like, boom, we pull over. Then he's laughing as me and he walks the two blocks down to his fucking apartment. And we were just at the

coaching horses. He was just shitty and just wanted to ride. Motherfucker. You know what they got me? How do they get you? This is a classic Joey Dears 2005 Coke story I forgot all about

that you're gonna love okay I hear me so I go out I go out some of them stars over there you know me

in those days I used to go out early I did and get my party started 730 there'd be two parties that's how you had to do it in those days

there'd be two remember I had to pick up an envelope for tomorrow and envelope for the night and there was always something a cell phone a pocket blue there was always something at the conference store.

So it's like a Monday night, Lee. I get a package. My wife is home. She's my girlfriend at the time. I'm living with her on Schrader. And I got a package. I go home. The package is okay.

But for some reason that Monday night, the Coke wasn't sticking. It wasn't getting me a lot of. So I called a few people to pick up a package. Jesus Christ. There's no package is nowhere. This guy's unsleeping. This guy's doing this.

This guy's doing that. Finally, I go, oh, I know who's got a fucking package. And for some reason, I did the same thing. Passed the guy's house. And I went to make a U-turn. I figured I pulled into 7-Eleven.

And they fucking nailed me down the corner. And no, no, no, no, no. didn't even nail me down the corner they pulled me over right in the 7-11 dog how about that one for you? Wow they pulled me over right when I saw them I pulled into the 7-Eleven

to make believe like I had just fucked up right in there and said can we talk to you for a second? I go you're like listen you just broke the thing I go why I was coming in here to get water and something else now I'm coming down on the blow I'm on the tail end but I'm

manageable but I'm still a little on the fucking cocage's I'm talking to these two cops and they're like, oh, I do it's the favorite show, it's ID. Like, I'm the White D. This is Terry Clark's car. I'm on sunset. It's one in the morning. Yeah.

I got 60 bucks with a Coke man up the corner, and that's all I need. Just let me go right now, and I'll never make a left turn ever again. Yeah, right? Right. Forever. Never. Rites forever. You'll never see me in this neighborhood late night again.

And I fucking start talking to me. I guess, I'm sorry, brother. I told your car. And I got to throw you in jail and somebody has to come and get you. And all of a sudden, a drunk dude walks over.

And he goes, Joey Dears, oh, shit. And he gives me a hug. I don't have the handcuffs on it yet. And the cop looks at me. He goes, you know him? He goes, fuck, yeah. That's Joey Deers, the longest shot. And both cops look at me. And they go, how you doing, buddy?

That's start talking to me now. I go, what's going on? And I go, listen. I just left the house. I just went to 7-11 just to get, well, I was dying. Something was going on, and I think, all right, just go straight home. Don't let us catch a drive without your license. I went right to Martel.

I fucking shot the left. I pick up a gram, and I went home, and I never made a fucking left turn again on fucking sunset. No, never. Fuck it, man. They were going to tow my fucking car and everything, go. They do that on Melrose, too, Jack. Meadows, you can't turn after 11 on some parts. Really?

Yeah. I think Santa Monica too. Like, not Stanley, but on the other side of Fairfax. Those houses back there, those gates, they're like, nah, you don't bring your party back here. All right, you want to turn a trick and suck cock in the fucking bathroom? Go for it. Abbey's down the block. You know what I mean?

That's how they get in there. You know? They'll go get the tasted dick out of their mouth with that Brazilian food next door that boss of Nova. Okay. When I first moved here, I don't know where it is. is now. I don't really know where it is, but it was on Santa Monica. It was all Santa Monica. When I first lived here, I lived at the stripper in the trailer. And for a while I would stay with

Doug, and then for a while I would stay with her. And you'd have to move the trailer around. And we lived next to a park that if you went there in the daytime, like if I could remember where it was, it was Hollywood. It was right around Beverly and maybe Curzon or something. like that. It's probably a fucking building now. Yeah. But at the time it was this little park. In the daytime, they had benches, and you could walk up the stairs, and they had like

a little swing area. Dog at fucking 3 in the morning, that place would turn into Sex Central in those days. So I would be sleeping with Carol in the fucking trailer. And you could hear the men. This is 1990-5, guys. and they were fucking right outside like male hookers I guess they were you could hear them having sex

right outside dog that shit lasted like three nights for me and like I couldn't sleep I couldn't sleep with that noise I couldn't sleep with that fucking noise and there was no women out there there was no guys and women it was all every time we looked out there

there was two men having sex the one guy choking the other one it was I just remember this shit see this is the shit This is the shit that's... Maybe you're PTSD. Huh? Maybe you're PTSD.

Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You fucking late. Oh, my God. I got acid from that last fucking church. What's happening now? I know for a fact. That you can do right now.

God damn it. I'll go get the snake. Okay, don't look at the yellow. All right. Let me tell you something. If you don't think I know, I got PTSD just from... You do. Without a doubt, you do.

Uh, uh, And I can tell you, and I could tell you the... The multiple things. No, the one in particular, the one... The one that wants me to this day was my godfather. This time I think about fucking pain, a pride investigator look from my godfather. It's like eliminated once and for all.

He was a fucking... At the end, dog, it was ugly. And he was relentless. He was... relentless, Ralphie. You know? I would, I would, when I left North Bergen, it was

December of 84. And I would keep in touch with three or four buddies. And dog, I would hear shit from them. That I could have called bullshit. Or I could have believed. And then Leah's later, I smartened up. And I go, why would they,

why would they fucking be talking this shit? And then I had another friend. My first daughter, Jackie, her godparents. The father, the godfather, Pete, he was a fucking

serious white dude that I grew up with. Pete was Italian, no Irish, no none of that mafia shit. Pete was a serious fucking white dude that knew his shit. Before I made any moves

in those days, I'd go to Pete. If Pete goes to the cops today, Pete could throw me in jail for 30 fucking years. From 1980 to In 1985, I told Pete everything I did. Whether he agreed with it or not, whether he was a close friend of ours or not, I told,

because I always had to have somebody I was 100% honest. Yeah. I've been that guy for a long time. Yeah, no matter what you came to me in those days and said to me, like, if you came to me in those days and said, Joey, tell me that you didn't rob the comedy stone. Yes, I fucking did. I was that guy. Like, if anybody else asked me, I go, no.

It was weird. who the sweatshirt like you was nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. That seems like a lion belly to me, isn't it? What's that, buddy? Telling somebody? You got to burn your heart.

Listen, bro. If you want... And no judgments. That's what real friends are. You did? In those days, you have people that they come up to you. Listen, man.

If you don't want the answer, don't ask the fucking question. Right, that's true. But, okay? When I was 14 I got one of the greatest lessons in my life And it stuck with me His name is Jimmy Bendis Sr

He once told me something That fucking just Stuck with me Like I started hanging out with him And swimming in this pool I was friends with his son And when I went to the track And he goes, listen

If you tell me the truth I got your back But if you lie to me I can't help you And that always And that always stuck with me I always remembered what that was intended for. And then years late, I saw him kick a junkie in the stomach and drag him out

and say the guy was going to die in his house, so I know he meant business, you understand me. But at the same time, the way I was growing up in those days, my friends were going to take heat for me. Okay? Like, let's pretend, let's just throw some names out here. because we know. Let's pretend Ari was a Ari Shafia who's Ari today. People like Ari. Ari's a great guy. Yeah. Let's pretend I robbed a kilo from Ari. All right. Like Joe Diaz today,

robbed a kilo from Ari. And Ari had two guys working from Steve Renazizi and somebody else. Whose balls are they going to bust every day? They got to bust. Ralphie's ball. They're going to the bus, Lee's balls. Like, where's Joey? Have you heard from him? Tell Joey, when we see him, we're going to break his fucking head. You know, guess what? You're going to hear from those. Every time you go out, Lee, and you see those guys, are going to come up to and go,

you ever hear from your pal? What you mean to tell me is you never heard from your pal? No, you're full of shit, Lee. You're a piece of shit, you fuck. Get the fuck out of here, you piece of shit. How long can you tolerate that for before you say, you know, I know where he is? well to be honestly if I lie to you you're not going to take that

for me no more in my mind if you're a good friend why fuck it up with a lie if he's not a friend who the fuck is he to fucking fuck him but if they're a good good good solid friend

and you come to me and you go Joey I want to ask you but I don't and I already know what you want to know I'll tell you yeah

I had to whatever and you'll look at me and go Jesus Christ all right we'll fix it you know that's that's the difference like then I saw Ralphie walking across the street from the Japanese place and they called the cops on me at the fucking Dublin I saw Ralphie and I looked him straight he's like I gotta showcase for CBS yeah later

push it back tell him that you're not doing this season the biggest break of his career yeah go get the it would have been go get the fucking, go get the fucking, go get the fucking Voyager, the forerunner. Yeah, I got the forerunner. That's the end of the forerunner. Yeah. My nephew has it

now. Are you serious? Fuck yeah. It's fucking great. Still running. $300,000? $400,000 something,000. Yeah. I totally. $400. Toyota, are you listening to me?

I had a forerunner that I was a comedian in, 1996. Okay? Toyota forerunner. it's 21 years old it's got over about a half a million miles on it and it's still going

Jack still going you don't even see those anymore no no my nephew had it repainted because I'd shined it up so much that I'd created swirls in it

from shining it so much with fucking not the right stuff and so he had it painted and it fucking looks great takes it to the Razorback games he's happy as shit he's got a little boy there's one

he's fucking it's like that car you know that fucking Wesleying banging his wife in and fucking leave condom rappers all over the place oh oh god Jesus all right you know

that same car my nephew's got it but when I and I had a good parking spot too man good parking spot and I was going to rock right in and I had a showcase with CBS they were all up my ass

and you're like, Ralphie, go get the fucking car. And I'm like, this is serious. Okay? And I was halfway in the middle of the street and I'm so fat that I can't I can only wear warmups. So I'm always trying to fuck. Everybody thought I was trying to be black

and it was his only thing to fit. And then I had Ford, I got him for free. It was Big Daddy. Big Daddy. We all wore Big Daddy. I told me. too. Lee for a year and a half, that's all I wore. Without a doubt. I scored a Coke.

I just wore their outfits. I just wore it everywhere. I wore it everywhere. Why were they giving you for your outfits? Because they wanted to Routi first. And then I got everybody in. Everybody was fat. I got everybody in.

I could. T-shirts, sweats, shirts, t-shirts, sweats, shorts. They were super high quality. Super high quality. I had that shit for years. Yeah. They gave me a big daddy jersey that I wore

once a year, once a week for, fucking three years. They gave me a big daddy Dallas cowboy shirt. Wow. Like I said, Big Daddy, but blue

silver stripes. Oh, yeah. Coked up somewhere and left a hotel room in Beaumont or something like that. I had some great big daddy stuff. Man, I still got it. I'm still got it.

Yeah. And you know what? It's still some of my favorite shit to wear. I fucking love that shit. It's great. What has that happened? They sold. I don't know what happened to them.

They were so good to so lot, so many of us. They gave it, they got into the movies because they gave it to the black comic and how he got it into the movies was barbershop. Yeah. The first barbershop, he wore Big Daddy on that. So he was their first big client. They had other people. I wore it on TV all over the place. I tried to wear it on the big, Best Damn Sports Show.

Yeah. I really did too. They were good people. Yeah, they were great. They were through Philly. Yeah. And I did that. I wore them, and I got Big Daddy to sponsor a bunch of,

I was doing those Loader Magazine car shows around the country, and I got them to sponsor that. So I was getting my airfare paid, okay, wearing Big Daddy, all these places, and they were selling out. I put them in my video when I went to Iraq. I wore Big Daddy, all right, and it was phenomenal. They, I mean, they make shirts that could,

breeze so much. It was 135 degrees and my tithes didn't smell like vinegar. You know what I mean? That's pretty fucking impressive. It's pretty fucking it was great shit. I probably had Big Daddy clothing lurking until about 2008. When I moved out of Hollywood,

that was the end of the Big Daddy. I had a couple T-shirts. I had a few sweat jackets or whatever. I didn't even know if they were around anymore. Nobody had them. I couldn't wear sweats anymore. The Mafia thing was over with

yeah so there was no reason to wear sweats anymore so that was the end of the hell even know what happened to the rest of that shit they were great people yeah so nice they're still around doing something see in those days a lot of people would start those companies they would blow up and then they'd sell yeah

and then somebody else would pick them up and they'd pick them up and buy three or four t-shirt companies yeah and now combine them and do something have you got in contact with this uh Winston company No.

It's a designer. He's an actor. He's a fat actor. And he sent me a link to it. Dude, I just got this shit. It's fucking amazing. Every bit of it is fucking phenomenal. I'll get you hooked into it.

Man flavor. It's so great. It's like really super high quality stuff that I can't find anywhere else. Fat man stuff. Yeah. Texas is the, if you're a fat dude, you got to go to Texas. Lord, gee. Jesus, son, now.

That's the only place you go. Man, you know what, man, it's such a shame because, like I explained on stage last week. In Texas, if I'm a 2x here, in Texas, I'm an extra large. Right. So if I buy clothes in Texas, and I got extra large, I go, Jesus Christ, I lost weight.

You feel good about yourself. Time to eat. Time to eat. They don't fuck around. They switch the labels on you. So you go to Texas, you buy a 3X. You're like, what happened to this? I could use this in 3X.

No. Because they make the clothes bigger. In LA, they make them smaller. Get a 2X in L.A. I guarantee you walk into any Walmart in L.A. You don't fit in 2X. Walk into a fucking Uson. Yeah.

You'll be swimming in a 1x. You know, Jesus Christ, I lost weight. Now they make the clothes bigger. So every of those marshals, all that shit, if you're at 2X like me, becomes fair fucking game now. If I usually walk into marshals, there's no clothing for me.

But in Texas, marshals has clothing for Uncle Joey and shit. Don't move. Don't move. Don't move. Don't move. Is the bad be right there? No.

No. I thought it. God damn it. What about the one, don't mess. Come on, man. That's the church. That's what we did.

You see his face? I did. It was great. It was great. It was great. It's going to be a great one. People are going to go. They're going to make gifts of this.

this. Hey, he'll have a star. No, thank you. No, no. Here, you eat this one. Yeah, yeah. Eat this one. Yeah, eat a double.

Come on your double. No, you got a single. You don't need a double. I hate one two. Don't worry about none. Fucking guy. Give me the maloque. It's fucked already.

Where are you performing in the next few weeks, my brother? Harris, Las Vegas. How long? Um, this Thursday, Friday, Saturday at 10 o'clock. And then next Thursday, Friday, Saturday at 10 o'clock. And then I'm in San Antonio at LOL.

And I can't remember. That's like the next three weeks. But, like, I'm going to be also coming back here next Sunday and Monday and Tuesday, hang on with my kids and do some meetings. And then the next week is Father's Day, so I'm going to be around. Maybe, I don't know, maybe you and your family, maybe Sunday dinner someplace. You know, maybe we go back to that Italian place I told you about, like, it's old-school Italian. That Tony's Bella Italiano on Magnolia.

Mungo, Mungo. Mungo. That's where he goes to eat and shit like that. That's where I'm going to stay. for now. You know what? Oh my God. Mongo.

I'm happy you're doing well, Ralphie. I'm happy, you know, before the podcast, and I know a lot of people listen to this podcast, you've been divorced or separated. And, you know, while it's happening, you think it's the end of the world. Right. And it's a pain that doesn't go away for three years, and either the attorneys could keep it going. Like with me, I just squashed it. I said one day, you know what, man, I want to do calm.

That's it. I just want to do fucking comedy. You know what? I came to the conclusion. I was fighting for a never-ending war because at the end, I couldn't cover this spread. Whatever your fucking name is.

Ralphie. Ralphie. I'm stoned, too. I know, baby. I couldn't cover the spread, Ralphie. And that was the worst feeling in the world to know, but also the best feeling of the world. When I moved back to,

when I left living with George when he was junked up and his grand, and I was having a great time. And I was really learning comedy. I saw Legu Zamo that night at 2 in the morning and I had figured it out. I got to move somewhere where I could do a lot of open mics,

take my time, just get time. And I could do something with this fucking comedy shit. I've been doing it in New York. It's been working menza, menza. Anywhere I go has always been receptive, come back. So I'm on to something. I don't know what it is. In a month I play the flute,

I don't know what it is, but I'm going to stick this out. I got no money. I got a little job, I eat from week to week. Why not have a good time my way? Every night I do comedy, I bump into somebody. They give me a pill. We do a bump. I drink two cocktails because they give you two drink tickets.

I'm having the time of my fucking life. I wanted a family. I wanted to be married. I thought that's what I wanted. Once I got on that stage and I got hooked, it was all over but to shout. I walk in one day. She says she doesn't want to be married no more.

It was like God said, here you go, Cuck Sucker. This is what you want, you're fucking lunatic. And I went for it, Ralphie. Who gave us a fuck? And that's what we're enjoying right now. We're enjoying those triple runs that we did. Yeah. You did those other runs.

That dude who played. C.W. Kendall. C.W. Kendall. I told him to suck my dick. Because he out of the game. He used to give you a long week. Yeah. Then the week before the gig, you cut it down in two nights.

Yeah, but it was like Wednesday and Saturday. Yeah, and they're fucking 12 hours apart. Yeah, to put yourself up for two days. It was fucking crazy people. Or you know what you would do is you would stay in your car, Lee, okay, and sleep in your car until like 2, 30, 3 o'clock. All right? And then take the hotel room, okay, and you would stay there at that one for a full 24 hours. all right

which basically meant you got two days for the one day because you went there early you just stayed in your car you stayed up or you slept in your car that's what I would do and then you get free breakfast

I'd fuck them up on the free breakfast oh my God I make BLTs left and right because I stole a fucking pound of bacon you think I'm lying to you I ain't lying

not one bit BLTs fruit but fuck you on the candlelop I don't like that all right and stay in there and then they had an afternoon thing and then get them in the morning,

fucking eat up a bunch and then go do... So you only had to do one night actually pay for, but you'd go pick a town to do a spot in, you know, like Dallas or Oklahoma City, Denver, Austin, you'd fuck around and find something to do. And then pick up, well, 50 bucks or something. might cover a hotel room. Might not.

You might not. I work for Shirley buying them, too, out of there. She was great. But, man, those tribal runs. Fucking bananas. Fucking bananas.

Oh, man. And I remember one time he booked me the headline, and he also booked Chris Alpine the headline. And Chris Alpine was so mad. Okay? He was like, I want to go last.

And I'm like, well, let's have I. I'm a filthy, dirty motherfucker. And if it means for a second, this guy's not going to pay me headline pay, fuck you. You won't be able to follow me. And he went up and I didn't give his shit. I didn't stay in there to listen. And he got all mad about that. And I just, he was all clean.

And I just went up and just trashed him for the first 15, 20 minutes. Oh, God, Treville got lit up on that one. And then, and then, like, Chris Alpine's, uh, uh, manager was another woman that booked gigs up there.

Pat Wilson. Pat Wilson. And she blackballed me because I was dirty. Okay. Yeah, she blacked me because she managed to Chris Alpine. And he got blow it.

out. At one time people, the people that were talking about Pat Wilson and they were big figures in our life, man. At one time, we would call these people

every Monday and beg them for work. And if they sent us to Mars, we would take the mission. It's a crazy thing to sit here and laugh and think about those times. Man, you were the king of the graham. You know, you call Paul Reed

on Monday afternoon. I got a mix of mad. Look, I figured it out. I figured it out when I started selling screws on my involve. I would have to be there at 5 in the morning. I would basically leave the store and park my car in those days and jerk off. And go into this place at 5. And I would start fucking emailing facts and people.

Roger Paul. Yeah. The Buffalo Funny Bone. Fuck, yeah. Miami Improv. Yeah. The phone. You have no fucking idea, my friend.

Yeah. the Birmingham, Alabama Club. Oh, yeah. Stardham. Houston lap stop and the last spot. I didn't give a fuck. Comedy showcase. How many people would call me back at least zero.

Zero. Every Monday, they got a earbaden. They got a fax, Uncle Joey every Monday. Yeah, here's my vows. And if you left them wide open, you wouldn't get booked. So you'd have to put in where you kind of wanted to be.

And those days, that still was a fucking... booked like this, and you knew these dates were kind of close. so you'd call them and beg them go, hey, I got this, let me have it. All right, you know, you'd manage it. You know, you had to work the angles. If you went in comedy like, oh, I'm a nice guy,

and I'm going to send a headshot and a tape of VHS. They wouldn't give a fuck, okay? You had to be something different. You know, you had to be funny. And there was no fucking YouTube, no that shit. It was VHS. They couldn't check your fucking, uh, you, your webpage.

Yeah. So you can tell them this. I'm going to be in Austin this week. Well, why don't you give me the week before? That's right. Exactly. It was brilliant. Yeah.

It's an amazing thing to learn on your own. Then you hear that there's a Thursday in Beaumont. You're like fucking somebody, hey, I'm going to be in town. And you just set up and you start calling other comedians. It's like the internet was like just your fucking roller decks. You know, you go, hey, Dougie, where? Where the fuck are you at? Okay.

Hey, give me a feature week because I'm fucking co-headlining with, oh my God, what was that guy's name? Um, and that, um, God damn it.

Um, fucking, he's Arkansas comic. It's crazy. It's crazy. I forget. God damn it. And he was fucking bananas.

That guy was so much fun. Or Captain Rowdy or something like that. You know, you see these guys. and you're just like, wow, these are fucking boom, and now they're even gone. But it was all of like, hey, I need help getting this date, you know? And so you go, you know, if you wanted to be in the, uh, as Zanis, you had to tell people that you were doing, uh, creative gigs in the southeast, you know, hey, I'm going to be there,

give me a spot. All right. Boom, you know. Hey, can I stay at your condo for extra? What an education? was as a feature act. Yeah. Go from having a day job

to booking gigs now for yourself. And you're adding up all these gigs and if you add it up, you're still not making anything close to what you're making. Yeah. But you'll accept it.

You figure out a way to make it work. You know what? That bedroom in the back that's an office, that's going to become a bedroom. Yeah. This is way before AB&B, dog. Yeah.

You went to the library and put a piece of paper up. Bedroom for rent. split the utilities and shit. And these guys, you learn how, like from 93 and a half to 95, I learned how to become a comic jack. On bare nothing, that car was going to fall apart at any time. And for me to go on the road where I was going in those days,

but every road gig I got, something always happened. Yeah, I met this fucking. dude man in my life. That's why I sit there and I go, someday I'm gonna pass away. And if there's a real fucking God or whatever they talk about, the people that I saw that helped me

were angels that God sent. My head was in a good direction. I just need a little bit of help. I met this white dude in Boulder, bro. Can't remember what his name is. You know me, Ralphie Mae. It keeps me awake some nights. Because I wish I'd give him a big hug right now.

I was going through a personal fucking hell. I was living in a one-bedroom basement. I was starting to do comedy. HBO had used me to open up for Carlos Menzia and Jimmy Abedah in four different cities. It was the summer of maybe 94. I'm barely paying rent, snorting cocaine. There was no car payment. The car looked like the car that they killed.

Michael Corleone's boyfriend and Godfather won. It looked like the fucking back window was missing. It was about to fall up. Man, they twos, they fans, they're better. Let me tell you something about me. I was taking six hour drives on that fucking cop.

Poor I belittle. Until this day, I sit there and go, holy fuck the balls. What I was doing for $250 in those days. I was drunk to Cheyenne, Wyoming or somewhere in Wyoming. And when you get there, It's beautiful.

When you get on stage, there's three feet of snow. Yeah. And you have to be from Cheyenne. You had to be in Bozeman, okay, or Jackson Hall, okay? And you had to go through three feet of snow. And so you knew it'd take twice as much time. And if you're lucky, you'd find a guy shoveling. and get behind him.

So now you're going 25 miles an hour. And so you just double the time so you don't sleep. You just take no-dose and drink Mountain Dew and get a Gatorade and piss in the Gatorade bottle. What about the night you get the 250 and you need every fucking dime of it? You got to take it home. But on the way in, you walk in,

it's beautiful, you walk out. And there's a foot of snow that's really coming down. You don't have the money to fucking get a hotel. And you don't want to take the chance of drive. I just shovel yourself out and go behind the supermarket and get a blanket. I used to have a blanket in that truck. Lee Syatt? Man, I didn't hear the line nobody at Lees Ayat.

I don't know. I can tell you. I got one just like that. Oh, I know you did. You had that Toyota. Yeah, man. That Toyota was a fucking bed dog. Yeah.

Guys, I could name, I could tell you. I slept in my car so much. A hundred times I slept in a car in fucking two years. Yeah. Easy. Easy. easy of being a comedian. And not give a fuck.

You can wake up anywhere and get standing the fucking neck dog. Without a doubt. Oh my God, I would go behind hotels. I would go behind warehouses. I was falling asleep. You have no idea when you're tired how your mind works. I was falling asleep at the wheel.

Okay. And I'm close to Mount Shasta. Okay. There's scenic overlook. And I pull in there. Okay. I go to sleep in the back of my truck. All right? It's like, it's like 50 degrees. All right. And I got my pistol and I'm in my sleeping bag.

I wake up and there's eight inches of goddamn snow. And it's now like 16 degrees. And I'm, I'm blue. My face is fucking blue. All right? I don't know where the fuck. I don't know how to get out of there. The road is completely fucked.

All right? And I've still, I've got to be in with Natchie. Washington, okay, and in 14 hours, okay? You know, and I don't know where the fucking roads are closed and not closed, okay? Or, you know, and you have to cut through fucking White's Pass, okay? God damn, fuck that White's Pass, all right? You drive up and you're at, I think, 9,000 to 10,000 feet, something like that. and there's no weather at the bottom.

Up there, it's a fucking blizzard. Okay? And so you have to fight going to sleep because if, like, I had to shut my car off because I was going to get carbon monoxide poisoning. Okay. I had a car dog that every time I got in it, I'd have to write a suicide note.

Right. Because the smoke would go into the fucking cockpit. Yeah. I would get a headache after 20 minutes. I'd have to pull over, get out of the car walk. I wish. This was a joke. No.

It would take me from Portland to Seattle. It's supposed to take you two hours. It would take me five hours because I had to stop every 20 minute and get out of the fucking car. That's what I did for $100 in those days. I would drive to Seattle to a Mexican restaurant in Portland for Donna Richards. And I would do the $125 gig and drive back to fucking Seattle. You're crazy.

Man. Doug, how many Roger Paul gigs did you do with the, with the female comedian that wore a wedding dress, his wife or his ex-wife? I think one in all those years. Oh, really? Oh, my God. I got on a string.

And, man, wow, that was an extreme show. I'll tell you what you do learn about comedy. that Ralphie knows is that sometimes things happen and you scratch your head for five fucking years. Like I was just talking to you and I did,

there used to be another company that used to do comedy when I fucking started. They were Dana and Doug McGraw. The phenomenal. And I sent them a tape and they made me a co-headliner when I couldn't even MC.

They said, we love your stage presence and they got me a gig as a feature which paid like 140, and I went up there and again this is when I needed every dime late after the gig

I got out of there and I didn't drink I said I'm not going to drink because I got to sleep on the street today they paid me in cash and said it cost me 22 to get home maybe five for a subway veggie and cheese with a soda I'll get home with $110

I need every fucking dollar of this. There's no hotel in my fucking future. In those days I had a trunk in that, a carola, and there was everything in their league, a basketball, two blankets, a pillow, fucking snow boots,

regular shoes, hiking boots, explosives, a flare, a canteen filled with water. You fucking name it. And it was in there that if you moved one of them, it was amazing. I had everything in there scots fucking tight. I had a stick across the back.

I would hang clothes back there so I could hide back there if I had to sleep in the car. I figured out of the way to kick the front seat and push it forward. I had it jacked up, dog. I fitted a thing. My buddy was a half a fag engineer

in Boulder. He was a genius. He made me a thing so I could put on the bottom so where you put your feet now wasn't there. It became part of your mattress. I had that little car going, man. It got unbelievable the places I slept. Yeah, man. How I would walk into hotels and eat the free breakfast, brush my teeth.

Buck, yes, exactly. Wash my face. Walk past the front guard, walk into the hotel lead, take a tremendous shit, piss, wipe my ass really good because it got dirty overnight in that fucking car. I would brush my teeth, wash my hair, push my eyebrows back, gargle, and then have everything in my jacket. and then I'd walk like I owned the joint. Yeah.

What's for breakfast here this morning? For $9.95, did you stay at the hotel last night yet? What room? 6.2.80. Lisa, yeah. All right. Go sit down. It's going to cost you fucking $8.90 a fucking table for everything you could eat.

Are you crazy? After you slept in a car one night, you eat one of everything. Yeah. Cattleop. Rice Krispies. You eat a bagel. You eat a cinnamon. bun those buffets you go to Lee

you eat one of everything yeah you can go back for you just left to the car to do your fucking dream your diet really doesn't matter at this point I man that's what killed me you died at that point that really doesn't matter I remember going back one time

and somebody going Joey you're putting on weight so I brought a basketball with me on the road and I forced myself to go in the back of every hotel on the parking lot and run around with a basketball I did that for about three months, you know. That's how retired I was. So where are you going to be in the next couple of weeks? I'm going to be at Harris at the beautiful casino, Harris.

And you know what I like about it? I got to be honest, the most thing I really like about it is there's no shiny shirt, half of fags over there, okay? It's like a bunch of real people, okay? It's $15 of fucking blackjack. you can have a good time, drink pretty good booze. Okay, they've got great restaurants. There's a Ruth Chris if you want steak meat.

I mean, come on. Who's better than that? And it's easy. You got to take Lee. We use your room. Man, Lee, I want you to come out, you fool. Okay, listen, Hercules. I got a five-bedroom house.

They done Loreni me. No, no, listen. Listen, listen. Lee is alleged to listen to me. Lee, let me tell you the thing to you. What's going to leave? My brother Lee has a skin problem. He's got a skin problem.

He can't be sleeping on nothing. You got to get Lee a room that's been sanitized, though. Okay. All right, done. We don't have time to be sleeping. I'll put him at the beautiful Caesar's Palace. He don't want to stand there B&B is what I'm telling him. No, good God, no.

Please, I don't stay there B&B. And I don't need it. I don't either. I don't need it. I don't need it with my, you're going to run jade in Las Vegas. You know what I'm saying? Me familiar. No man's there in Nevada.

What do you do? and champagne? Champagne cocktails. Champagne cocktails. He'll stay in on Airbnb and blankets. He's got to sneak in the middle of the night. Lee's one of those kids, bro. You know, Lee's one of those guys in Vegas that you get him high.

Yeah. It's really, you know, Lee thinks like when Lee was allowed at the South Point, Lee was very interesting to me. Mm-hmm. Because at Lee's age, I didn't like Las Vegas at all. Yeah.

I took a hating for Las Vegas when I was 22, and I said, I don't need this place. I'm from New York City where I could do this. I got to walk around with cameras. I got to walk around with cameras, and they're watching the bathrooms. They watch everything, Jack. For me to get down, for me to come to your city in 84,

I had to know I could snort in peace. I could go to a bar and gack out like I used to do in Houston, where you can't even talk anymore. I go to that stuff. Allen Park in? No, no, no. Yeah, fuck yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got that.

I got that. Or our house. No, the fucking other bar where you get John this, they had no windows. That bar there, I used to walk in there and I couldn't even fucking talk. But anyway, to make a fucking long story short, I don't know what the long fucking story short was. It's, uh, what's up, Lee? When I was a lot of the South Point. Yeah, Lee was a lot of the South Point.

He was interesting because we would finish up. a show, we would eat something, we'd get high, and Lee would look like, you know, okay, I get it, Lee's tired, I'm tired. And the next day, I'd hear a tremendous story, how he got up and two, brushed his hair and came down, and he won until five, and at five 30, he bumped into a friend who put bad luck on him, and he went back to the table. How's that ration? And he ended up losing, we ended up losing what he won, plus, a hundred out of his pocket. Now he's salivating from the mouth

because he's Jewish. He goes back up to the room. He washes himself. He bangs with that. He calls his girlfriend. And he refutes for the last temptation of Christ. He's got this weird way of gambling. Then he's telling me how good he is. He's Johnny bananas. I stalk him. I stake him a yard

or two. He blows it in two minutes. He got beat up. Like a fucking, like something. So this is. day he blames me. He left. I won her first couple hands and he lived. And I walked away, so it's my

fault. I'd never been nobody's lucky fucking... I'd never have been nobody's lucky rabbit foot. This guy wins 400. Oh, he's mush. Put him in the bathroom. About eight weeks ago, he started a new career. He got books.

He took a fucking course on hypnotics. I had hypnotized the blackjack dealer. Sleep. Sleep. Your bracelet, Ralphie,

if you have it. Oh, man. The, I know. It's actually in my luggage. I go everywhere with that. He took a course. You know,

by the way, I've had, okay, thank you, Church, for taking me and loving on me. You guys come to my shows

and after the showroom, I'm, you know, downstairs, maybe having a delicious boy of wives the product. Okay, you know, maybe enjoying myself a little

bit before I go home. And you guys come up to me and you're like, look at the yellow. Ralphie, where's that goddamn bracelet? We fucking love that. And it's because of this, I've gotten tons of fans and they've come in and

they've loved me and I'd just say thank you. I am very humble by y'all. The fucking church is for real, dude. They do not Fuck around In Denver I had I had like five guys

Go dude I'm from the church And they brought me Reifer Okay I had to leave We got a good family Dude I love family

They love family Man They'll give you a dollar Oh my God Buffalo They come Running Houston

Houston's all the time In Nashville Oh my God Every time I'm in Zanies That's my home club. Okay.

Every time I'm there, every time 20 or 30 people, guys are like, man, we love you on the church. And it's just like, it's so cool. It's cool. Man, it's like, it's like, the thing that we had is like, is that is like just going out. You know what I mean? And I'm just trying to distract now because Coco's really getting into his fucking left nut. All right. I think you might be ready to pop a zit.

It's stuff. It's fucking stuck. I've seen it at. I've seen that look. There's nothing like... There's nothing like moving. Oh, with the little blood. There's nothing like moving.

And fucking, uh, getting like stuck. Your nut gets stuck on your underwear. You know, me undies is banging. But from that, I have shorts on. So it fucked it up. All right, let me read this out. We'll get the fuck out of here. You're just leaving that there.

Don't forget. Don't forget this weekend, you fucking savages. Starting Thursday night. I'm at the Brea Improv. And Brea, my fucking home club. Thursday, one show of death. Lee will be there. We're picking up the ship in the new stars.

Tomorrow, Leo will be there breaking his record of $3,000. Whoa. Putting him on a skateboard and sending him back. No, he'll be there. Lee ain't breaking his record unless he gets paid from now. doing personal preferences. If you like to bring Lee, fly him out to your party,

Leo eat fucking 5,000 milligrams. The money's right, okay? We don't give a fuck at this point in the game. $10 a milligram. No, we got to lower that. Don't be stupid. Don't be stupid. You want them to wine. Yeah, don't be greedy. Don't be greedy. What do you think is reasonable?

Hey, man, no, you might get lucky. Somebody might know how to barbecue. Let them make the offer. You know what I'm saying? I can get the best to open to negotiation. Now, Lee, don't forget, on this one, I need a little taste. You've had like 19 ventures. There's a five dollar bill fall in my way out of this guy. Never, never.

Not at all. Nothing to even wet his beak. He makes any way to make it. And he makes thousands of dollars, this fucking guy. Selling fucking everything. He sells hats. He's a savage. He's a savage.

Look at him. He's smiling over that cock-sucking. He still owes me for the gambling. Three times I stayed. And all three times I lost my investment. Yeah, right? He comes back not even with a $5 bill. He's bringing garlic fry from the casino.

Nothing. They are fucking good, aren't they? I tried to invest with him. God, damn something. Say what you will. That fucking Southport casino's got great fucking food. Yes, they do. That fucking seafood bar.

Their steakhouse is fucking amazing. That seafood bar is good. I like the one Harris better on that one. But I got to be honest with you, You got sushi right there. You got, I think it's one of the best food in any casino. I mean, they're fucking bomb over there. They're doing it, Jack.

I like that fucking breakfast, dog. I'm happy with the three eggs and the fucking bacon. Can you imagine? That's how simple I've become. Here we go, motherfuckers. The church is brought to you by one of my favorite products. Let me explain some. I did business with these guys about three years ago when we first started.

Am I bullshit? No, they're one of our first sponsors. They're one of our first sponsors. They sent us a bunch of stuff. Till today, I still used their products, okay? So this is how much I always kept their razors.

I always kept the main stem. I think they sent this, like, they sent me like three main stems over the years, and I still have a fucking backup, okay? I don't know what, I don't know how they do it. But as far as razors and fucking the whole,

package to the best in the business and what makes them even better is they deliver it right to your house you made the smarter choice by switching to dollar shave club that's a smart choice right now dollar shave club will always be the smarter choice why because you get a great shave at a great price and it's conveniently delivered right to your door it's an awesome life hack no brain of choice you no longer have to step to the store to buy a cheap disposable razor that gave you a cheap shave or spend a fortune on razors

with gimmicks and shaving tech you don't really need. When I use the DSS executive razor with the Dr. Carver's shave butter, I use that stuff in the shower. I pull up my sideburns, I put it on my face, the doctor thing, I give it like a minute or two.

Guys, I start shaving. Before I go in, I make the thing over here, by my side burns and I shave it off, you actually see the hair sticking to the fucking shave cream. Yeah. The doctor carve is one of the best products you can use. You understand me? The Dr. Carver's shave butter is transparent for more precise shave

and helps prevent ingrown hairs and it fights razor bumps. You can make the smarter choice by joining Dollar Shave Club. And for a limited time, new members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube. You ready for this? I've Dr. Carver Shave butter for only the Finl Roo. For $5 with free shipping.

You're not going to beat that nowhere. After that, razors are just a few bucks a month. That's a $15 value for $5. In your first month's box, you're going to get an awesome weight handle, which I'm telling you, I still got mine after three years.

You're going to get a full cassette of four cartridges, which will last year. These things are part. fucking tremendous. They're sharp. They get right to the point. And you're going to get a tube of the shave butter. After your

first month, replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price. There are no hidden fees and no commitments. Cancel at any time. You could only get this offer from us at Dollar Shaveclub.com

slash church. Again, one month for $5.00. That's Dollar Shave Club. slash church. Again, make the smarter choice. $5.00.000. Dollar Shaveclub.com slash church. Number two, let me talk to you about something. These days, you get everything on demand. It's like this podcast. So why the hell you're still going to the post office?

Dealing with limited hours standing online like a mook. When you can get postage on demand with stamps.com. Anything you could do at the post office, you can do right now from your desk with stamps.com. And buy and print official postage for any letter or package using your own computer and printer. And unlike the post office, stamps.com never closes. Listen, you got a little couple cocktails in you. You're in the mood to work.

You got a couple of things to ship out. Who needs sleep? Get the postage whenever you need it 24-7. All right. Whenever my wife uses stamp.com, she loves it. You know why? She puts it out there, and the mailman comes and picks it up. That's how good and convenient this works.

You still got Matt Stamps.com? I do. I still have the scale. It works great. Tremendous. So what we're going to do is this. Right now, you're going to use my name. Joey, for the special offer.

We're going to give you a four-week trial. This includes postage, and we're going to send you a digital scale. Don't wait. Go to stamps. com. Before you do anything else. click on the radio microphone at the top of the home page and type in Joey.

Listen, you got a small business, you're trying to get a small business started. This is the economical way to go. You're a one-man army. You don't have time to hire somebody to go to the post office. It takes too much time out of your day. If you're going to do business,

this is a smart way to do it right now. It's the only way. Stamps.com right now. Enter Joey. Stamps.com right now. Enter Joey. Never go to the post. office again. Your time is more valuable

than that. I'll see you, motherfuckers. Thursday night, the bray improv, but we'll see you motherfuckers. Friday, they got two shows and Saturday I got two shows. Either be there or B-square. Thursday night if you come, tell your boss, you're not

going to work Friday morning. Tell him Cosby's making the last fucking comeback. He's going to fly in between court cases and put guerrilla biscuits and your fucking drinks. I want to thank Stamps.com.

Again, don't forget Stamps.com. Enter Joey, and I want to thank Dollar Shaveclub.com. Enter church. And I always want to thank honor.com. They're our lifetime sponsor. Everybody says day one. Listen, I want to thank Ralphie Mae, as usual.

Always entertaining. I want to thank my man Lisa. He didn't say much tonight. But he was stoned to the girl. Does that be? No. No, there's no B. There's a B.

There's a B. There's a B. There's a B. There's a B. No, there's no B. You're not going to tell me that the B waited three hours to come out at the end of the fucking podcast. Did it singly? No, no. There's no fucking B. I've been trying to get him to forget about that B for the last like 20 minutes.

What y'all didn't see is my hair was over here. Just creeping a try to fight us to the fight. And I swoop by my finger. That was the bee The noise is making No, he won't He won't stop with that fucking That bee is

Oh, dude He was about to die Again, I want to thank Stamps.com And I want to thank Dollar Shave Club Harris Harris

All of June, no July No July, no August, but then I'm back in the fall. Okay, they give me the summer off because God bless him. I'm fucking way too fast. It's 2,000 degrees. It's 2,000 degrees to fuck down. Like, I blow up. Okay?

I couldn't take it. But I'm at Harris, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Come on. You guys are great. I love you. If you're coming out to Vegas, I'll make you laugh hard. I promise. Okay.

I'm bona fide. I love you. Have a good night. Stay black. your Wednesday, cock suckers. Hit it be. Hit that music,

baby. Here you go, Lee. Oh shit.