The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #488 - Steven Brody Stevens

Episode Date: June 8, 2017

Steven Brody Stevens, Comedian and actor seen in "The Hangover" and "Due Date," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:   Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey for you first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box.    Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.     Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/07/2016.


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I'm feeling fucking Minnesota. But look in California. You follow me? Church of what's happening now. Lee Syatt, Brody Stevens, the master. The Prince of Periscope. That's what they call them.

PLP. Yes. Oh, pop. No, I'm sorry. P-O-P. The Prince of Periscope. You follow me? Who gives a fuck?

It's a church of what's happened now, cocksuckers. Lee Syatt and your motherfucking Uncle Joey. Bam, bam. Kick this mule, Lee. They got to hear the power shankment. Feel this power, cock suckers.

Kick this mulee. Kick this mule, kick this mule, cock sucker. I want them to feel these drums and shit. Boom-bop. What? Hit it. Pop, boom, pop, boom, boom, boom, boom, bye, bye. Light on the streets.

Damn, dance, down, down. Too much. It's too much. I'm going to have to go to get a $10 bag of Chi-Chi Pouty, you know what I'm saying? What's going on, Brody Stevens, my brother? Excited to be here, Joey. Feeling good. You were down in Palm Springs getting some sun.

Yeah, sunny, hot down there. Now, how much warmer is it down there than up here? Today, it was a lot, you know? It was about 104 out there when I left. Damn. Yeah, and the Dodger game, they played this afternoon. It was like a Marine layer. It was like 70 degrees.

I thought it was going to be smoking hot here too, but it wasn't. No, no, no. Tonight you'll go out. You can't fuck around this time of the year here. You leave your house with a t-shirt. You go somewhere warm. You'll walk out. It's fucking freezing.

Yeah, it gets cold. That desert air comes in with the snakes and the coyotes and fucking, you know. You know, Palm Springs is just the cutoff, the mountains. It's like, that's the first spot. the clouds from L.A. don't get to. It cuts it off. And it's just, that's where the heat starts out there in that desert. And that's a great thing about L.A. growing up here at night, you've got the marine layer. You've got the ocean breeze coming in. So you go to a Dodger game. You're going to wear a jacket. You go to Anaheim Stadium? It's cold down there at night. That stadium, they've got wind coming through there. Same thing with San Diego at night. So it's got San Francisco. Geez, all the cities are cold. San Francisco's cold at night. San Francisco, L.A., but you'd think L.A. and Anaheim, San Diego. Oh, it's mild.

It gets cold at night down there. I've been to a few Dodger games when you go in, like, in September. You go in there with a T-shirt at night. You're like, wait a second. I've got to walk to my fucking color. I'm freezing out here. What the fuck mistake did that make? But who would have figured it out?

Yeah, it gets cold. But we're lucky we're not in Chicago, you know. It rains, hot. You really got to read the weather there, and they're, you know, they're not. We only get two bad weeks of weather here, and they're in August. The last two weeks of August, it gets a little on the humid side. Yeah. But beside that, this is a great place weather-wise to live.

I knew at the age of 12 that I couldn't deal with humidity. I didn't really understand that I knew that it was something that when I came out of the shower, I was sweating. When I combed my hair, I was sweating. even though I dried my shirt in my back and my chest when I was putting a t-shirt on I felt this mist of water and then I would walk

to these parties and by the time I got there my fucking head that would be fucked up all frizzed up I had the Jew fro growing up and I just hated it and I didn't really know the difference was

until I went to Colorado the first time and I'm like oh shit this is what it feels like not to have you men and yeah, this is what I want from now on. That's funny because I left New York, not for the cold, I left for the summer. It was, see, I could deal with humidity outside. I could deal with it going down the subway, even though that was really brutal.

But you get on that subway with that air conditioning, and it felt good. My apartment, I didn't have air conditioning. I had a fan and a water bottle. You know, that's what I had. So it was pretty brutal. But I did it. After three years of living in New York, I got it out of my system. I did it, did the subway, did the bus because the subway was not working.

But you got to see a lot of different people doing comedy down there, out there. And you got to take the subway. You know, I did it. I mean, you're the one who told me to go to New York. And it was funny. Like you mentioned Colorado right here. That's where my mom was living with her boyfriend. So I actually went to Colorado for a little bit.

I go, I got to get out of New York. Went to Colorado. Caught my breath. And then I moved back to L.A., 2000. That was kind of my plan anyway, to be back here in L.A. in 2000. I had to, you know, like I mentioned, or I mentioned on the Periscope, how, you know, I did an open mic here. I started here in L.A. I went on stage at, you know, I did one open mic in Chatsworth.

And I did that, I did a comedy workshop at U.S. see L.A. I needed that and I had my, we had our graduation class at the comedy store. And I did well back in, it was 93. And then I did one open, I felt like, you know, I did well. It was a Sunday night. It was packed, bringing in five friends, you know, one of those deals, Sandy Seashore. It was Pauly's sister. And the comedy store, I grew up with it, meaning like I saw it with my eyes because my mom's boyfriend lived on Halloway up and high rise so I could see the comedy source, Sunset Strip, and you could feel that energy. And I wasn't like a big crazy, you know, comedy guy, but I feel that energy of the sunset

strip. But I would also see the lights of Dodger Stadium. It was just, there's something about seeing the lights of Dodger Stadium, no, knowing that there's a game going on there. There's a whole community going on there. You see the lights. And then, yeah, you know, you can watch it on TV. You can listen on the radio.

But whenever I drive by a stadium, the Rose Bowl, I always look at it. I have to make eye contact with the sign. Dodger Stadium, I have to see the lights. If I'm going on to the 110, I got to see the Coliseum. I have to make eye contact with seats. I never figured you for growing up here. When you told me that, my fucking head exploded. I'd like three months after I met you.

I would look at you and say, this lunatics from Chicago or. Well, people thought I was from New York. Or New York. Growing up here they did. Florida, maybe Florida. you were out of your fucking mind. I don't know. But, yeah, growing up here, I grew up here, you know, in the valley, high school here.

You said your dad went to school in North Hollywood. Yeah, North Hollywood High right here down the street. I wonder if Yummy M. Dones was there back then. How long has that been there for? I don't know. I don't know. That's an active corner. You got two high schools there.

You got a rich kid. What's the other high school there? Oakwood. Right next to North Hollywood High? Yeah. Oh, that's the one in the middle of the school. school or the block. Yeah, well, it's on Magnolia.

What's the difference between Oakwood and North Hollywood? Oakwood's private, rich kids probably. Yeah, they have like a full-time staff of crossing guards on Magnolia throughout the day. Like six, six crosswalks down. You don't see them. They have like umbrellas. Okay, so the school down the block towards the 101. Right.

That's awkward. They built a bridge. Right. They just installed. the bridge. Now it costs like 30,000 a year to go to that school and you call your teacher by the first name. Yeah. It's progressive. There's probably like a petting zoo in the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Big wheels. Yeah, it's fucking crazy about that. That stuff is I mean, that's what I try and share on Twitter. I went to those private schools. I grew my mom, yeah, for a semester and I knew it wasn't right. Which one did you go to? I went to like probably like Valley. I think it was actually called the Valley. school over on like Haskell and Sherman Way, you know, the Petting Zoo. Now, Notre Dame,

the other one on Riverside. Notre Dame's on Riverside. That's high school. That's respected. Number one baseball player prospect in the country right now. Those 100. Really? Tyler Green. I believe, does it Tyler Green? Yeah. Kid throws a hundred and two. Now, all those schools are 25 to 30 Gs a year. Yeah, a lot of money. Now, the problem with those schools is you're going to school with Denzel's kids and You know, you're going to school with all these people's kids. Right. See, I don't know. I don't know.

Campbell Hall. That's another one. Campbell Hall. That's the big one. Yeah, these kids, you know, they're rich kids. They got helicopter parents. So they're doing, they're doing, you know, some of the drugs. I got to tell you what happened today.

That's right. That's right. My head almost blew up this morning. That's right. Talking about fucking kids. Very casually. I wake up. I clean the cat with the boxes.

I feed the cats. I make a little coffee. I smoke some dope. The doorbell rings. I'm like, who the fuck's not going on my door today in the morning? Oh, it's water. And that's who comes in twice a week to help with mercy in the daytime and shit while my wife runs errands and shit. And she cleans.

I go, want to what's going on? She goes, I'm going to come here today instead of Monday. It was news to me. So I said, want to let me finish up in the office. Let me jump in the shower and I'll get the fuck out of your hair. I didn't feel like eating eggs. So I just had cereal at the house. Little cornflakes never killed nobody.

That's right. I figured I'd disappear for two hours, write a little bit, and come back, have a protein shake, and go to Jiu-Jitsu. That was my plan. I get down to the coffee place. I get my little usual green tea, and I sit there,

and I sit outside, I write, and then I just wanted to tighten up a bed. I tried to write a little story, and these kids sit next to me. I don't count them with a couple kids with a couple young girls. I knew one of the girls. her name is rose

because one day me and Foco were down there Burt Kreischer and she was there and she asked us if we had a lighter and I got a two year old at the time I said how old are you and she's told me she's 17 and her dad's a big

fucking publisher like a music publisher so I've always known and I always say hello to Bert oh whenever I see Bert he'll go I went to Marie E.T and I saw a fucking Rose Rose is always there in the afternoon But today she was sitting with these three fucking knuckleheads

So about a year ago Marie ETC hired like a parking lot attendant Who's a fucking really good guy? I've had 20 comments At first I thought he was a dickhead myself But one day he came up to me He goes, you can park that bro, don't worry about it I was like really?

It says just 10 minutes He goes, just stay that, don't worry I know you're going to sit right and stuff Service and stuff I tried to help the guy out Whenever I go down and leave my dishes on the table why pick them up and bring them back. I don't even like the rest of the fucking. Because all those people make good money,

but they act like white fucking supremacies over there. Like they act like fucking, they don't do nothing. They look down on the Mexican help over there. They're disgusting fucking people who got a little bit of success in Hollywood, like middle-level writers or something. And you think they're fucking Ingrid Bergman.

You know, the women that pull in there, they just pull in there and they don't park right. A lot of women in that, they don't park right. What anyway? I'm sitting there. I'm sitting there, and the next thing you fucking know, the next thing you fucking know, the guy comes running to the back,

and I'm sitting in the corner, but I don't, you know, I don't smoke. So I don't know what's smoking and not smoking. Okay. Do you know what I'm saying? Fair enough. So I hear him say to one of the kids, do me a favor. Can you put that cigarette out

or go to that side of the coffee shop and smoke? And the kid goes, yeah, man, and he walks away. I don't know, I got earphones on? No, I don't. No, I don't. I'm sitting there writing, and I'm looking up, but I'm paying attention to my own world. You know when you're writing,

and you're in your own world? Right, here, you're not paying attention. But I'm looking in that direction, or something makes me look up. Okay. And I see the security guard running towards me. Oh, no. All right.

Can I call you Lee and tell you about this? No. And he runs towards me, and I think he's going to say something to me. I don't know. I'm high. I don't fucking know. I'm just stoned in the corner trying to write. Mind my business, drink my green fucking tea.

And at 10.45, I'll leave, go and put my guy on and shoot the jih Tzu. That's the plan to make a protein shake. It's about 10.20 at this time. I don't know why these kids aren't in school. And the next thing you're fucking now. He goes, hey, I just told you to put that cigarette out. The kid kept fucking smoking it and smiling. So he tells the kid, listen, I'm asking you a fucking nicely.

He doesn't curse and nothing These are nice white people He says I'm asking you nicely He'd get up on him have to call the police And finally there's this dude That's always there There's this big fucking dude That's bald like he shaves his head

You could tell at one time or another He could have been a rough neck He's big, he's big He has that white dog You ever got him read tea And there's a white guy Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he owns that white dog And he says

stay with another old timer and they just sit there and finally for some reason this guy gets up and he goes hey he's telling you nicely I'm not gonna tell you that nicely

get the hell up or go put the cigarette out now now I got to turn around now I got to turn around because they're gonna argue behind me or there's gonna be a fist fight fucking behind me and I'm gonna be right there

and I don't mind kicking one of these kids in the fucking kneecaps because you can tell that three little pussies right the kids smile in and then he goes, I'll tell you to put the cigarette out. Bro, this kid walked up to him.

Finally, when he was three feet from him, the kid threw the cigarette down and stepped on it. He goes, you're happy? And the guy goes, okay, do me a favor. Get out of you. And he goes, I'm not getting out of you. You're going to have to throw me out. And I'm like, oh, shit, it's going to go down.

The guy goes, no, I want to fucking call the cops. So I'm like, God, damn it. And I got to be a fucking witness. They're going to ask me stupid. stupid questions, you know. Well, how the fuck do I get out of this? And finally, the big white dude start yelling at the kid.

Calling them a little pussy. You ain't shit. Look at your little fucking friends. You got no class. They had like a fucking Audi 829 Z convertible with rocket ship rings, you know. And finally goes, get the fuck out of here. The kids head to their car

as they're walking in, the kid that was Johnny Smooth looks up and he goes, I hope you're not a fucking actor. My dad's the executive producer of the hottest show on ABC, and I'm going to make sure he doesn't fucking hire you. You ball that is fucked.

And he got in his car and took off. That was his weapon. That his dad wouldn't give you a fucking role in a movie or a TV show. That's what I live with people. Welcome to my world. I ran over, knocked on the glass,

and asked them, bro. I don't give a fuck with show. I don't want to do business with that little fucking half a fag. Those guys don't show up at Starbucks. We get tweakers at Starbucks. But you're on Laurel Canyon, so you get everybody who fucking falls off to 101. But it's literally only a five-minute walk if that, and it's two different worlds. Two different worlds.

Two different worlds. I get the fucking people who think, you know. Yeah, the screenwriters. Yeah, the screenwriters. I had my problem. I sit there and listen to those motherfuckers talk, and I just giggle. That's the show. We plant a tape recorder, and we play it, and we listen to all the bullshit stories we used to hear.

We first moved here because they were all bullshit stories. See, I'd rather sit with the site, the weirdos. Oh, no, no, me too. They're more interesting. Me too. When I go over there now, if I go out during a week and Lee tapes my set, Lee emails it to me, and I listen to it there. I put earphones on, I plug it in my phone, and I look it. listen to it there in peace

and I don't have to listen to those fucking there's a dude who shows up there with an earpiece okay the shirt is ironed to the tee the pants are designer the shoes are designer the belt is designer

the BMW is like a five series and I'm going to tell you something the guy's up to his asshole and hock yeah okay because I've been there three times and I've seen the three clients he's been with. He's horrifically bad.

And he's terribly cheesy. He's one of those managers you first sign here when you get here who meets with you and wants to know what you're doing and wants to know about your acting class and how's it going and that they just had a meeting with CBS about you last week and your name came up for a new pilot. Keep going to acting class. And it was, he's been there three different times with three. different clients and every time I sit

next to him like I'm riding and I'm not looking at him, I'm just listening to him blow smoke up this poor bastard's ass. He was there with a guy a couple weeks ago that I looked like Mr. Olympia next to this fucking guy and he's telling him there's a ton of rope. The guy was bending

the chair. He had to weigh six he was an extra of the 600 pound man that's how big he was. He was a standing for the chair. Other shots? You know and I felt like looking at them going how many rows have you seen ralphie may and then i listen go fucking go on a diet this guy's like no there's a new show on cbs coming out about fat guys that live together yeah that's what they want to what they're going to do show them breaking the

bed what the fuck they're going to let them do that kevin james show no no no no no you know it's just it's so uh like i can't i don't ever want to redo or need to explain the people my first three or four years in this town. And I didn't fall. Guys, I could tell you guys right out as a man. I didn't fall for any of the bullshit. I went to a fucking meeting once. At this time,

I had like three agents. And one of them was a bottom feeder. I still talked to him. He's out of the management business. But he sent me on an audition on a Saturday once. He goes, Joey, this movie looks interesting. Just go down there. It's an hour on a

Saturday and it was right down the block from me. It was across the street of Gardner, Gardner stages. Downstairs, remember they used to do a comedy show there, one of your friends, what's his name? Adam Gropman, no, Dan or Dan Bileck? Yeah, Dan Bylek, used to do a show downstairs. Yeah, and Gardner, yeah, yeah, yeah, downstairs. This was three fucking years ago, four years ago when Dan was doing it. Yeah.

I'm talking about 1998 in that basement in July. I know. On a Saturday at 9 a.m. in that thing with 40 guys dressed in mob suits and fucking there were every different gang affiliation every different gang affiliation was in there this guy was making the biggest gang mafia movie ever in hollywood you ready guys we got there on the saturday at nine o'clock he promised food a table read and then auditioning there was none of the above what he wanted you there was to tell you that is how you got the role in this movie. You had to get investors.

Oh, it was like a bringer movie. Yeah, it was like a bringer movie. So he would give you envelopes. He was going to have a meeting a week later to see how many investors you got in the week with promissory notes. This was crazy. I sat there and just giggling. They sound like a scheme where he doesn't end shooting the movie. Oh, my God. Lee. No shit. Oh, no. This was way before Kickstarter. Yeah, I was going to say it sounds just like that. Yeah, no, it was like that. It was like that. It was like a human. kickstart. Oh, that's funny. So he's like,

whoever comes back next Saturday, that lease has 25,000 and promissory notes. What? It's a good idea. You want me to tell you something about? I guarantee three of those people, shut up. I would have. Just to be in a movie, Lee, you'd be surprised. Would they

be the people investing? Would they invest for themselves? They'd, like, go to family? Because that's what this guy's doing. He would get, if he asked 40 people in a room to give them 20 grand, and four people showed up with 20, that's 80. You could shoot something.

I could shoot something for 80. Well, at least if they shoot something. You follow me? Yeah. I just imagine it was a guy coming into town. Good idea. Getting like 80,000 and like piecing out and going to Mexico. Listen, people shoot movies for no budget all the time.

I personally don't believe in it because some way the movie's going to crash and burn. You have to have money for certain things. There's things that I could ask Brody Stevens to come with his microphone. Yeah. And with his cassette deck for three days, Brody,

I need a big favor. We don't have the money, Brody. How long I know you just come by for three days? Yeah. This time you do comedy, I'll come by you

and do a free show. No problem. But I can't go to Brody and go Brody. Yeah. I need you for six weeks. Six weeks. Yeah, six days a week for free. I can't.

Yeah, yeah. And that's what these people. I'll do some tweets for you. That's what these people really want to do. That much. of a commitment. Oh, fuck, yeah. That's insanity.

Oh, yeah. These people are crazy out of here. Six weeks of free. I was doing those $100 day movies. Yeah. I say 50% of the staff is getting paid. The rest of them are there sold on the experience package. If you do this, you get experience.

Which, you know what, guys? If I move out here and I'm here and I got $2,000, the bank and I live with a roommate. My rent is $400. And I'm looking to get into the movie business because that's how it happened. Not even getting to the movie business. I'm looking to get to something.

And somebody comes to me and says, listen, my friend's doing a movie and he's looking for free guy. You want to come in for six weeks? You know what? I got money in the bank. It's nice. I get to mingle.

No people. And I'm working on a Hollywood movie. I would do it because I had no interest in the film. I don't want to be an actor. I would go on a set for six. and learn for free how to carry shit. Yeah, that's what I did. I did that when I was taking my stand-up comedy course.

I was also an intern on a USC master's thesis film. So I was a key grip. I was learning about lights. I was learning about where we shot down. We shot in South Central Los Angeles in the house where they came from under. the stairs, the people from under the stairs, that movie. It was shot in that house. And then we did an overnight shoot on the Radford lot where they had Seinfeld going on

and Roseanne. I remember riding a bicycle around. I went inside the Seinfeld set. But anyway, I worked on this film. I learned all about like catering hours, teamsters. But I also learned that I wanted to be the actor, the town. But I was nowhere near ready. But I learned that I didn't want to be in movies.

In fact, I did one other one. They wanted me to work for free. We did it at USC. So this is a different film. I'm up there sitting up there with like freaking sandbags and stuff. And they go, so tomorrow 6 a.m. in the desert.

And then I go, F that. I was just, and so they had lunch break and I just went to Burger King and left. I still got invited to the rap party, but that's when I walked away. I said, I'm not going to, I know I'm not going to do that direction. I want to do

stand up. And like even when I moved up Seattle. I worked at the comedy underground. I learned about seating the show. I learned about, you know, a host, a guest spot, a middleer, a headliner. But I wasn't like a huge comedy fan, actually. I still, you know, I like laughing at my friends. I like, it's different like when somebody's presenting things. And I'm weird. I'm just immature about that.

I'm 47. I just turned 47, May 22nd. I met you when you were 25. Yeah, I was born in 70 So, no, I was probably Yeah, 25, 25, yep You think you're dealing with Joy Banana isn't Yeah, like I didn't know math 25

I'm glad I went to Seattle I really, because I grew up here in the Valley I grew up, I went to college in Arizona And it was like just too much sunshine, too much You know, doing, people don't develop Stand-up in Arizona Plus I was a baseball player, you know, I had that baseball But I wanted to go up to Seattle

and be around pierced ears and music and all that weird stuff. I knew I had to get out of L.A. and, you know, I took that comedy course at UCLA, graduated at the comedy store, and I did that one open mic in Chatsworth, and I go, that ain't for me. I grew up here in the Valley. I can't have some host. I get it. I understand it because I played baseball.

I learned all about group think and all that playing baseball. It all comes into like, you know, in life. playing sports being at a high level. You do learn about discipline. When I played baseball at Arizona State, we represented the school. You couldn't get in trouble. It'd be in the newspaper.

We got drug tested, but I learned about just taught me discipline. But learning and getting picked on, you know, oh, Brody, the Jewish guy, gay guy, run weird, this, fucking punching me. But I knew that's how it was. I mean, I was liked in high school. I was a good pitcher all of a sudden.

So they try, and I go, I'm not going to quit. You know, they didn't get me out of there, but I'm not a quitter. And I just stuck it out. I mean, I can go in a long story about that. But these guys were hard on me. And I didn't complain. They would go, yeah, you're a Jewish guy. How did the Grand Canyon get started?

Two, you know, Jews fighting over a nickel and a squirrel hole. Oh, thanks for laughing. But you're Jewish, too. But I didn't care. That's kind of what it was because I played baseball also in high school, you know? and I was around football. So it just made me, it made me tougher. It made me strong.

And I just rose above it. They would say, oh, Bertie, you're Jew or something. I go, well, Jesus was Jewish. And they get pissed like these Christian guys. But, you know, they're good friends like. It was kind of a hazing thing. You know, because I got picked on a recita high school growing up, and it's different getting picked on by inner city kids.

You got it, malicious. You know, I had, I'd rather get hazed by a Christian. that's okay. That's a, that's a, that's, that's, I don't need to be gang jumped into something. I'm so upset with politics and stress me out big time. When I first met you, I used to break your balls constantly. You were, yes, you were. You used to make me laugh.

And I used to break your balls because we had a friend and he did porn. And I asked you if you did a poet, like you used to do porn movie. You weren't extra on a porn movie and I would tell you Josh Wolf under the bus. and then you had the cable access show and I would torment your life about the cable access show till you put me on. I think he was you.

I think you're on it. Oh my God. I'm looking at you and all these memories are coming back. Seattle was a great scene. It was really, I don't know how it is now, but we were just up there in a great time.

Still great. Still great. Still great for comedy. A lot of young comics up there's what I hear. You know, I run, read, move to Arizona. Oh, he did? Yeah. So I don't know. Phoenix or something?

Oh, wow. So I don't know who's going to run the contest and all that. So listen, Brody. When I was a kid, I loved basketball. Yeah. I loved fucking basketball. Lee, look it up. What year the Seattle Supersonics go to the NBA finals?

When, and the 90s? Are you talking about the one against the Bulls? The 70s. Yeah, 79, I think. 78, 79. They beat the Washington Bullets. One of those years. One of those years.

77. 77, I think. It was Portland. And I never, yeah, something, it was Julius serving. They won in 79. 79, yes. Well, you're bad motherfucker. Something like, well, my cousins lived there.

I saw, I saw that team. I didn't know anything about Seattle. One day, the basketball team is great. And they started showing pictures of the city when they were up there. Yeah. To show the stadium before they played. I'm like, what an interesting fucking city. Okay.

And then that was it. I just made a mental now. And then in 87 or 88 or 89, I'm in a movie theater watching Goodfellas, and they're talking about how he ended up in Seattle, Washington. This is way before the internet. How does a gang mafia dude from the city? Well, he was a fucking, he ended up being a moron.

But how does a guy from Brooklyn end up in Seattle? So how he always thought about fucking Seattle. Seattle. And anytime something good happened out, Then they had the football team, who I love Jim Zorn. One night, I bet San Diego against Seattle or something, a Monday night football. I don't know what year it was, Lee. Let me tell you something.

Jim Zorn put such a beat on me in three or four minutes that I ended up liking them after that. So I was always intrigued by Seattle. And then when I first started doing comedy, just like you, I started two years before you. There was a publication that came out of San Francisco called... Was it a comedy magazine? Yes, that John Fox and his company put out. And they interviewed comics. They told you different.

They previewed clubs. If a new club was opening, they'd do a write-up about the club. It was a really good magazine. It really was. And the most interesting thing about it was the last three pages was all the open mics in the country, like that were big time open mics. Then the last two pages were all the comedy clubs

with the insignia of the club. Seattle's was the coolest. That insignia they gave you with the fucking... Black and the white. The black and the white? No, no, no. What was that picture of the... See if you come up with Seattle Comedy Competition.

Look at this... The Globe? Was it a Globe? The Globe with the dude. holding it or something like this. Watch how cool this is lit. This stuck out in that fucking newspaper like and I always... Should I search in like the 90s or?

No, Seattle Comedy Competition. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. Pressing Seattle Comedy Competition or the comedy underground. There's just something about the Northwest, the fresh air.

I knew nothing about that shit. Until you got that? I didn't know nothing about salmon. I knew nothing about fucking. nothing. I knew Henry Hill went there. I knew that the supersonics were there. Yeah. And then something really fucking happened.

I discovered a band called Soundgarden. And I was like, oh, see right there all the way? You see that? Yeah. That one. Even that was up in this newspaper. That thing right there was something that they had in the news, in there, in this publication.

and I was like that one day and I circled that club and every time I would go to a comedy club and they had the new issue of that magazine I would look to see

what comedy clubs were opening what was closing and I'd always circle that fucking club and for some reason I wanted to go to fucking Seattle then Soundgarden comes out I'm hearing about this heroin

I'm hearing about all this shit up there not one thing that I hear about comedy I didn't really ask I didn't think in my mind I was in the line I was in the level to go to Seattle. I was just getting it together in Boulder, you know, in Denver area. And then I went to fucking Michigan to do my first feature act.

And I met a fucking stripper. And she said she was going to Seattle. And then she said, I'll swing by Boulder and get you. And that was the plan. And I didn't hear from her for a week. And one day I got a call. She's in Boulder. She came to get you.

So I gave him my stuff. and I was up there 10 days later. And then we went down. That's a crazy romantic comedy, just like it's... Can you fucking believe that? I met a Memorial Day weekend, and I was in Bo, and I was in Seattle, five weeks later.

Remember how I tell you that people always say, well, I'm going to go to Seattle and do comedy. That's my dream. So what are you doing now? All right now, I'm working at Starbucks, putting away money. Listen, you're never going to put that money away. That's a fucking, that's a resistance.

Read the book, The Art of War. That's a resistance. What you need to do is go get the most expensive job you can get right now. I don't give a fuck what it is. If it's taking shit out of a box and they give you 14 now when they got overtime, you're going to do that for 30 days. Okay. At the end of the 30, even if you put $100 a week away,

at the end of the four weeks, you got $400. You got your car, you got your health, and I'm sure your grandmother will throw you an extra 250 and that's 650. You could start a new fucking life with 650. How do I know?

Because I've started a new life with $2.00. So you're not going to tell me no motherfucking stories. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Are you saying $6.50 today? Or is that back done?

I'm talking about what's the right today. When you want to go, you go, Brody Stevens. That's what I did. Yeah. I went to Seattle. These people looking in your face

and go, well, my dream is to move to New York and listen. That was one of my dreams. The more you bullshit with the, you got to put away money, the more you're going to die. Because if you really have a dream, you'll live in a shelter and you'll get a job tap dancing. Oh, I don't know a shelter. You'll fucking listen. Dog, I lived in a car.

I sacrificed L.A. in a car. Do you think when I got into comedy, I told you I was going to live in a car? Maybe. But then I heard Stan Hope was doing it. This guy was doing it. This guy was doing it. One night I fell asleep in the car and I woke up. I didn't need any chiropractice.

Oh, like this. It helped your back. No, I go, this ain't that bad. I realized I could take showers at the comedy store and I can pay child support plus no cocaine, plus eat and survive in L.A. Yeah. By saving that little money every month.

Then Gavin would help me out by sleep on his couch from time to time. You know, it was a struggle. And then I kind of moved in with Gavin, then I moved in with my wife, and the rest is fucking history here. But, you know, if you told me, Joey, when you get into comedy

you're going to be homeless at one point and you're like, well, describe homeless. Homeless is the scariest, homeless is the scariest fucking word in the world because the first thing you think of is that dude by 7-11 or the blanket on himself this morning next to the fucking tanks

where they fill them for barbecue. I swear to God, the one on Magnolia this morning by the park? Right. There was just a dude laying there like a mummy covered from head to toe next to the tanks. 20 years ago with a shot of BB into those tanks, him, the fucking chick he had with him,

the dog. I mean, when you think a homeless, that's what you think of. Okay? No. Let me tell you what homeless is. Having money, having a job. And for some reason or another, you lost your apartment. And God,

you know what? Thank God you have a car. Because you're never homeless. There were times I was homeless with a car, and there was times I was homeless without a car. And guess what? Both times I survived.

My seat doesn't go back anyway, the button to lie down. No, I can sleep in my car. I have to go in the back seat and curl up. Sure. The one I really want to talk to are the RV people. I've never seen, and that sounds terrible. The RV people. I didn't see that on the East Coast.

Like, I never really saw people living in RVs. But here, it's everywhere. Well, if you think about it. It seems awesome. You want to talk about mistakes as a comedian? Yeah. What a fucking mistake. Buying a trailer like that?

After you're doing comedy three or four years, you have to decide what you want to do. In this economy, you're not just going to send resumes in the tape. So the best thing you can do is that $400 you save? You're fucking fill up the tanks. You get peanut butter, jelly. ramen, you put water in that shower, and you're living in an RV, and you go cross-country, go on a comedy club. Fuck, yeah.

That's exciting. You wouldn't have to worry about the condos. Six months. You just go to every night you perform somewhere else. And if there's no show, there's a show now. Because you're there with a microphone and two speakers. That's how you do comedy in the beginning. That's how people.

I like that idea. No. Not now. Today, is that still plausible? Oh, my God. Bro. You could do whatever the fuck you want. You're single.

You're free. You know, you can get somebody to sponsor you, Brody, called the Brody Stevens RV show. I want to go to, I want to do for a baseball season. Like, Rock. I know. I need help, Lee. You can, you don't want.

I don't know how. At this point, you don't need help. What you could do is, there's a thing that is your best friend. What? Internet. Unbelievably. Unbelievably, what you could do on the Internet on a Nichols-Worth. I see.

I don't need help. And it would take you, I could get you an executive producer by tomorrow. I love baseball. I have access. I could talk to him tomorrow morning and he could do the whole thing. You could double executive producer, road manager, driver, and keep your head together. Yeah. So that means it's going to cost your big percentage.

Nobody works for this grader. Yeah. What about, I'll give him a, what about, I have to have merch too. He'll help me with that. It will help you with the merch. And he won't take a piece of your merch. Here's it. You know, I did it.

a festival a couple few weeks ago and one of the rock bands they liked uh they liked what i was doing and they they thought it would be a good idea maybe opening they wanted a comedian to open up with them on the road and they were pretty cool guys like pretty straight lace guys are rocked out they're called uh diary a planet they're out of nashville but they they rock you have no idea that you know like i told you before the podcast started you still have that same insecurity i have yeah you know good feel better now. At this point, it's over. At this point, if they didn't get it by now, you know, Brody, they're not going to get it.

But can I say one thing? Yeah, say what the fuck you want. I have, yeah, people, I get it, people get it, but I haven't, because I did so much audience warm up behind the scenes, you know, and I got great at that, but it also stifled, I feel like

my stand-up career, because I was getting, yes, I was getting that paycheck. I was getting that mic time. I was meeting everybody. I was getting opportunities, but I also knew that I had this consistent warm-up gig, usually a best damn sports show where you were. And I also had a connection with baseball. I always wanted to be around baseball. All right. So here's a fucking deal. Right now it's June. Nobody gives a fuck about baseball yet. Right. Because Houston's running away with it. You know, it's a fucking nightmare. Right. right now what you can do is the next three weeks is make a few you get you sit down you honestly look at yourself you sit down and you get a piece of paper and a pencil right piece of paper pencil see I should be doing a a weekly podcast you gotta ask you where I have structure like you have structure what do I need what do I need structure I need an RV oh no I need a driver okay I like an RV and I need tickets to baseball games okay

Okay. Okay. I need a field pass. Okay. Which is all easy. But can I say one thing? Yeah. MLB is weird.

You know, you can't necessarily use, show logos or anything like that. You're not going to show a fucking logo. This is, welcome to Brody Stevens world. Like, yes,

I'm here at the Dodger Stadium. You got it. It's just even me just talking to camera at the stadium. You already got Periscope. You already got Periscope. I'm walking in the parking lot. What's a lot? going on. This is Periscope September.

Yeah. After a fucking month of the playoff coverage and once they get by the World Series, Fox will be hunting you down around the corner. I tried to have them do that last year. Don't worry about it. Right now you got the world by the balls. You have the experience? I don't know.

Yes, I do. All you need is, what you need is a sponsorship from an RV company. Ooh, sponsorship. We need an RV company to sponsor you this. You're going to have to spring for the driver. So we're going to combine this into a comedy tour, Life of Brody. Life of Brody.

Okay? Don't even mention baseball. Because it involves everything. It still involves pulling over on the side of the road, doing kettlebells. Absolutely. Smoking, reefer, going to subway and taping black people shuffling. Like my Instagram, like my Instagram videos. This is full flex.

It's just having fun. The most important is this guy that's driving and whatever. You got to rock. his world. Who's he? Where do I find him? Are the guys you do that? Okay. I'm going to make one call and you're hooked up. Okay. All right. Number two, you're going to, you know, the RV, two people sleep, but every three or four nights you're going to stop the whole town wash your ask. Right. And get away from him. Wi-Fi. You can also get a hotel sponsor? Wi-Fi. Can I, I'm in this, could I really get sponsorship for stuff? Yes. I'm open to it. I need

help. Yes. Well, I mean, would you, you could do all this stuff? You think he should only have the RV sponsor? No. He can have the RV sponsor. V sponsor. Vitamins. I like that. Vitamins. Yes. He can have a hotel maybe.

I mean, what kind of hotel you're looking for? How fast? Remember, this is all corporate. So if you're looking to do it this on September, this is, and everybody goes on vacation in July. Drum lessons in different cities. But I can see a national RV company. Every city, you stop in, do a periscope live.

The amount of numbers, print up the amount of numbers, print up the times that you do the periscope, and let's do a sample. Let's go from a Dodger game to an Anaheim game, two games in one day, and let's show it that way. Let me give you some shoutouts. Hold on one second. I don't know. Organization is the key, and this is not a lot of things to organize. This is not a lot of moving parts here. Brandon Gonzalez, you know, I love you.

Fudge, packing. 101 Matt. I love it. Alan Stevens. Stay with me, baby. Jack W. Lewis May 23. Mike Pinoc. Caleb Bass and OG Dunkhead Damon. Are you kidding me or what? Do not forget about the Brahe improv tomorrow night. Do not forget about the fucking working out with Uncle Joey on the 15th at the Ice House. And do not forget about governors the 24th and 24th and 24th. We ain't fucking around. Two shows. Chinese food, the whole fucking thing. People stabbing. Anyway, but don't worry about that shit. All you need to worry about is bray of tomorrow night.

That's why you need to worry about. If you're not doing dick tomorrow night, Lee Syatt doesn't even know what's going to hit him tomorrow. He's tomorrow and night, we're going for broke. All right, anyway, we're talking. I don't know for broke tonight. No, no. Tonight's just a warming up for tomorrow.

And then I have all this. Here's the deal, brother. This is a very easy thing. You have to contact Periscope. You have to contact, you know, I can hook you up with a few people that maybe throw you some ads on the Periscope. The comedy clubs don't give a fun. I need, honestly, I need structure. That's what.

If people tell me where to go, what to do, be Brody, do this, do that. Comedy clubs on the way. Like a one-nighter deal. Or do a rock club. Okay. Who looks right now like to do? They're going to the World Series of the playoffs. If the season ended today.

Astros, nationals, Dodgers, probably, maybe not Dodgers, just throwing them out there. You don't want the Dodgers because then you have to do a comedy show here. You do comedy here every fucking night. We need to get you to playoff cities. And then what do I do in these cities? What are you doing this city? Yeah.

Let's say there's... You get up nice and early. And you go to the hot spot where people eat breakfast with my camera dude. You take a camera dude with you. You sit down, you eat, you explain the food, you pray. Right. Then you go exercise. Okay.

And then you go to... On Periscope. On Periscope. Then you go visit the baseball players that you were friends with and go see what they're doing and interview them maybe. You're walking on thin toes, but this is advertising, baby. This is Brody Stevens. Has that been coming to you for years? Now I've got to walk in like a pirate.

No, I'm down by the field. I got to have a pass. I'm legitimate. Okay. So these guys are going to act different in front of me as opposed to somebody they don't know. They're going to be more open with me. You ever see that scene in fucking apocalypse now when they land and it's actually Oliver Stone directing. And I know he directs the movie.

Now, there's a scene when the people land. you know Martin Sheen lands with the other fucking guy Tom Hayden and the godfather Duval when they land and as they're spruiting up into the kill the Vietnamese people the fucking there's a director there going

keep moving keep moving don't look at the camera don't look at the camera that'd be the funny thing every time you shake somebody's hand and just be go be natural don't look at the camera and just talk to them so you have a hook always to go in there you talk to them ask them how they're feeling, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Go to the other side, pick your favorite player on the other side, go talk to him. If it's an afternoon game, take the comedy show at 10 o'clock at the comedy club. Right. Take a percentage of the door and go in there. So now after the baseball game, but that's tricky, because after a baseball game, nobody's going to go to a comedy club, but you're absolutely going to have different people who watch you on Periscope.

Right. They're fans of what you do, so they're going to actually pay to go watch you. So you could finance these little trips that way also. I don't know if you're going to be, listen, you're my brother. I wish you only the best. I want you to sell out the other than auditorium. Well, I don't know. But listen, 100 tickets is 100 tickets.

Yeah, well, I'm fine with Rock Club. He could spend 20 fucking bucks. You could spend more than one day in each city. So what if he went to the game and was being Brody and advertised this show at the club the next night? It would be sold out. Yeah, you do great, Brody. There's an angle here, brodie. I just need to, you know what?

You're not the conventional comic. Okay. I came to terms 10 years ago that I'm not the conventional comic. Johnny Carson ain't calling. Jay Leno ain't calling. Ain't nobody fucking calling Uncle Joey.

Everything I've had, I had a fucking errand. And whatever they end up, I end up. And I'm very happy because I'm here. I'm still here. We go all the way back to Seattle. Yeah.

Ninety-five. How many people from that era do you see at the Comedy Store, Sunday night when I was sitting next to you. Be honest with, tell the people at home. How many fucking people that we were up there with are still down here. Oh, Josh?

Josh Wolf. Craig Gas is around. Craig Gas is around. From that era. Nobody else. No. So how fortunate are we? I ended up in Seattle by mistake, dog. But yesterday

when I was talking to Josh, he says he still remembers sitting with you at the volcano. The volcano. With Tena, Mark Gardner. Okay. You all had your notebooks out.

He goes, life was so different that I have an interesting story about the volcano. Is that the cafe? Yes. Oh, some cafe.

Not the bulldog. And he goes, some days you really miss that. You really miss that part of comedy, how you were really hungry. And I go, you know, if anybody's still really hungry, it's Brody.

So we were talking about yesterday. He goes, I guess you're right. I go, no, no, no, no, I can't. I don't have the cardio to what we had in Seattle. I was sleeping five hours a night in Seattle. Right. And it was either doing blow or because I was in love with comedy. Yeah.

And I wanted to get better at it. And if anybody who has ever done anything, and they want to get better at it, either from being an electrician to being a painter. You guys know what I'm talking about. when it keeps you up at night. When comedy keeps you up at night, thinking of your plan,

that means you fucking love it. Only women keep guys up at night or bills or somebody being sick in your family. But to stay up at night thinking about the love you have for comedy and how good you want to be on it while you're sleeping in an office above Josh Wolfe's, Mexican restaurant where you're paying $125 a month

and you're a little mattress with a pillow and a blanket and I thought I was the king in the fucking world that I was what what was that a hundred yards from the comedy underground

at that time I thought the underground that particular one I don't know what the new one is like but that particular one to me I still ran the top five stage I've ever stepped on. I owe that stage

so much. Low ceilings. That one, the cockeroches, the water bugs, and the nunchos. You have to, like, pull a chain to flush it? Wasn't there like a chain you would pull to go? You had to walk up the

stairs and walk down the stairs, but when you walked up the stairs, you opened up the door and there was a jukebox and there were always people at the bar Swanis. You know guy who was working and poor fucking Swanee, Jesus. You still see him when you go up there?

I think it's closed down, isn't it? I have no. I think Swanis is gone. Well, Swanis is gone, but then he reopened the bar with a bunch of people where Josh Wolfe's old Mexican ball was. Okay.

So he hired Josh. Over there. Right. Gotcha. Recently? Yeah. Josh was in Seattle. To help him out?

No. This is 1990 fucking six, Brody. I'm sorry. No, I know about that. I remember that. 97, he hired him. I went in for the meeting. I worked at Red Robin.

I had experience. What Red Robin did you work at? The one on East Lake, the original Red Robin. Come on. Yeah, Gavin Boyd got me the interview. Gavin was like an assistant chef at the Red Robin in over in Kirkland. Hold on time out. Assistant Chef.

There's no assistant chefs. Sue chef. That fuck. There's no Sue chef. Yes, there was. At Red Robin, you fuck. And all the materials come already prepared. A souscheft.

What's sousheft? There's no Shoebchep. They had them at Red Robin. Listen, you got a Red Robin with the three Mexicans, and they all call themselves one just in case. Well, we had food runners. Yeah, you got food runners, too, but there's no fucking chefs. Sue Chef, I remember.

Ask Gavin. And listen, don't get me wrong. I love Red Robin. Yeah. Those cheeseburgers are Red Robin. The fries? The fries. The refills.

You know what? I may go. Where is it? It's up in Tunga Canyon. No. Tupangas. No, no, no, no. Red Robin?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and my wife went up there with the baby. Tepanga. And Red Robin, and we were like, what? Remember I call Lee. I call Lee. Oh, yeah. I'm at Red Robin having a cheeseburger with steak fries, bitch.

Steak fries. What? Topanga Mall. That's where I was in that Red Robin when I found out that Kobe got caught for rape. That was two weeks ago. That was two weeks ago. No, there's a joke there. But I really was when Jim Hill announced it.

That was big, you know, where were you? I was the mall when I found out magic had AIDS. Yeah, where was I for that? That was a shocker. I was in Boulder Mall, and I was getting rose water lemonade. Lee, you would have drank 18 of these at four apart. Why would I drink rose water? Lee, you never drank anything so good.

I have a little water. I like lemonade, but. Oh, no, no, no. This is lemonade made with rose water. This is 20 in life, no. for a row. Magic, that was so surreal. That was surreal. The O.J.

Just the magic, you just couldn't believe that. O.J., it was basketball season. It was the playoffs. And I was at my main man, Danny Feebles, at one of us softball games. And we were waiting for the pigeon to land, if you know what I'm talking about.

And the pigeon was landing big. In those days, I had held out like five days. Pigeon. I was washing cars at National Renic car in Boulder. I was delivering sandwich with the deli zone dudes. I was putting it together. I was delivering Chinese food.

I was slinging a little bit. But we had a different connection. You were slinging some pigeon? I was doing everything. Getting chicks. I wasn't getting no chicks. Oh, you had a girlfriend? No, I had nothing in bold at this time.

I was just a single dude from time to time. I'd bump into a victim. I'd go sell a butt for like a fucking eight months. And then I'd bump into a chick that would take me to the cleaners. I wouldn't know what happened. That was no good.

They gave me one time. They know I'm no good. I'm all co-tied. I do a couple dirty things, but besides that, I'm no good. Free porn has really changed the game. I think. I don't like porn.

It's quick and easy. Have you looked at what I like, Brody? Like the live cameras? Oh, no, I haven't. I like that. You can watch people, and it's right there. It's happening live. Could you send me the link, please?

Yeah, it's chatterbate.com. Chatterbate. And you can watch people have sex live? Yeah, it's crazy. Couples, girls. Is it free? Yeah. Okay.

I'll see you guys later. See you later. No, I'm slurring my words because I take the clown up. Really? You're disgusting. I can't believe you sit there once, those naked people. When are your parents do a nice job with your naked live people? Do you even donate a dollar?

Fuck no. What type is? What type? Why would I donate a dollar? Because you're watching them. They have people doing that. They have people who talk to them. They get advertising, right?

No, they don't get advertising, but they get people to send them Amazon gift cards. That's what I get. Some chick's showing you a put. Do they put the pussy right by the camera? Yeah, they'll do whatever you want. You ask them to? I've never asked for anything. If I was going to ask for something, they ask you the tip.

They got scratch and snap? That's coming in 2018. That's on an Apple, 2018. they accept PayPal of course, right? Oh my God, fucking that new Apple computer is $5,000. Which one? I know that means nothing. It's an I-Mac.

Like the new version of this computer, Joey, if we had to re-buy this, it's $5,000. And this one was like 1900 when we bought it four years ago. But it's a desktop, right? Oh, you just put the kiss of death on it. This is going to go down down a weak cock sucker. Oh, no, it's working great. No, that's how Apple. Apple hasn't programmed, dog.

But like, what? Apple hasn't programmed. Right now, they're like, are you ready to press the button? Yep. And all of a sudden, two million computers go out. We're all running to the store. Five million apiece. Five Gs apiece.

They go on fucking Forbes. They made 82 million and 15 minutes short because they zapped everybody's computer real quick. My battery is slow. I have a slow battery. It's crazy. Lee. What a fucking racket they've created Apple. Yeah, they're amazing.

They're like communism. They got you hooked. Everything is, though. Yeah, they really got. You've hooked the corporations. I've seen the growth. Once you've globalism,

capitalism. I've lived through the growth. Yes, we have. And it's been amazing to different. I don't know. It's. I don't know how to word this without it sounding, just the growth of everything.

I love GPS. That's positive. There, once you make a decision with computers or phone, that's kind of hard to get off of it. Because you learn something, all your things are in certain ways. So I would love to switch to an Android, but I don't really have the time to learn a new phone.

I just, I'm going to get the new iPhone. Even though this phone was shitty from the very beginning. I got one of those duds, but they wouldn't do anything about it. I'm not being a shit with me. But if you don't get the new iPhone, it's the old one will slow down eventually. Yeah, the old one's got a button in it too. they see the expert When night you're on the phone, your cousin

And the phone zapped And then you're trying to turn it on It turns back on And also there's no numbers And also you got on Apple And they read you the bad news Listen, your phone Either this, you can wait two weeks

And there's a prison in fucking Ohio Where they refix the phones And send them back to you But before they send them to you They suck all the information out And if you got dirty pictures They pass them around the imbix for $10 a picture

and they whack off on pictures of these grandmother holding the cat and shit. Joey, that's not far from the truth. That's the truth. I wouldn't lie to you guys. It's all... And all of a sudden they send them back.

What do you think's fix those old phones for three fucking 50 an hour? And they sit there welding back. It's prison inmates somewhere. But you know what they're doing? Because I just got a ticket. I was in Arizona.

And I got one of those photo tickets sent to me. And I was going 45 and a 36. No, 40, no, 45, I was going 46. I was going 46 and a 35 in Arizona. And they got me in like some photo thing. So I guess, what's that 11 miles over? No, is that so legal the camera?

It's not in California. But I was in Arizona. Well, the red light ones are on, I'm pretty sure. This was a speeding one. The red lights are legal. I believe they're not. can check it. Well, they got me. And then, so I paid it and then hurts because they, they get it sent. Then you have to pay a processing fee. And then you know what? Eventually, it's going to be like,

oh, he got a ticket. Now automatically his insurance goes up. Automatically, he gets points on his record. It's all, I don't want to sound like a conspiracy guy, but you're starting to see stuff like that. Everything's automated. Everything's this. I'm going to get a ticket for today. You're going to get a ticket? Why? You're parked right there. No, I'm going to get a ticket for today, guys. Why? I had a conference call, and everywhere I fucking turned, there was fucking traffic. I pull up to the left, and a lady in front of me, the light turns green, and she's

in another fucking planet. I knew I was dead. I'm stuck behind for like two miles. At 22 miles an hour, I couldn't go around it because I'm Christian-like. I took the fucking beating. And I'm like four minutes from the office. and I pull up over here by the fire department and they're doing construction there

they got me waiting out there some little chubby fireman with fucking stop signs and shit and pass and go he would let one car every eight minutes I'm dead so I made the right right there cut cut across

I was the first guy on the green light there but there's a bus station there and when I made the ride of her they took a bunch of pictures I was on camera you could hear it yeah I heard it.

I was on Canada camera, Jack. Oh, well, maybe that. Yeah. Did you, was it a red light? Yeah. I don't know here. But you said the flash, actually. This is in the LA Weekly.

So, it says, I'm telling you, I'm going to get some. Goldsmith has ruled against questions about whether or not you have to pay a red light ticket. Pretty much you still don't. But, oh, Jesus Christ, it's every fly.

I was in Arizona got me. So paid it, and what can you do? And it probably takes points on my record. and maybe I should have done traffic school, but F it. Hopefully I'll book a gig and cover it all because I haven't booked that gig yet. You know, I should have a special, which I shot and it's not out yet necessarily. I should have an album.

I did so much warm up. But Joey, everything you've said is right. You told me to go to New York. You're giving me structure here. You're giving me, I mean, like I said, I need male energy. I was raised by, you know, my parents are divorced, my mom, my sister. that's why I don't want to get political, but I said that Hillary stuff doesn't work. It's going to stress you out.

I grew up in it. I was bust. I did the private school. And I knew right away those private school kids were weird. They were weird. They were kind of elitist. I saw it. I was uncomfortable.

I'm a good guy. So I would get picked on by the elitist types. And also I would get picked on by like blue collar guys. I get picked on by elitist and I get picked on by African Americans. That's what I got picked on. And you saw, like, the different energies between, you know, but that kind of stuff made me a comedian, getting picked on. I say, thank God I did that because I, right now, I use it as fuel. And I'm saying, like, you know, I'm a little high, you know, that's what happens.

But the point is, I'm thankful. That's why sports getting hazed, being a rookie, you know, having to do those kind of, you know, treated. way helps you makes you a stronger stand-up having these problems you know today i guess you know you could be a good-looking guy have a perfect life and be funny and you know that's a way to go too i guess but is that right i mean isn't it funny kind of still when the guy's in pain and suffering but it seems like these days you don't have to it'd be great to me well sorry about that those stars are getting to me the stars are getting to you but sure i'm just kind of i'm stressed because everything you talk about.

You talk about bills. You know, Joey, you are a best damn sport show. I've seen it. You've been in the movies. I feel I was in the movies, too. It's like extra pressure. I was telling my mom today. It was like, you know, I'm willing to live in my car too,

not necessarily for comedy, but for my mom. I got to take care of her. I can't do it. But I can sleep on her couch for 14 days. And then I could like live in the van, 14 days on the couch. You know, I'm not a mom. Mama's boy, but my sister's not doing it.

She's working. I got comedy. Why do you have to go to the counter? Why have to go to the van? Well, like one day, or I guess I could run out. I can do an Airbnb. How many casinos are in Poms, right? Went to one last night out in Indio.

How many are there? Probably like five. Why don't we put the small room together? Yeah. Give, uh, when you're down there with your mom. Have a gig. Take care of the daytime and at night. Make sure she's in bed, bed, water.

The 911 one button. Yeah. And you shoot over, you do your hour and a half. Brody Stevens presents. And even if you start with three people, it's a different market. Brody, your mind. God, you're saying. You know, I don't, I do not believe.

With comedy, you can waste so much time, Brody. On Periscope, right? I don't know. Tweeting. Instagram. I'm wasting time. If you think I'm happy with the results of my life, you're crazy. But it's interesting to me.

that I'm still here amongst you guys. That's very interesting to me. Interesting. So I say to myself every day, wow. You and I was in the hallway at the comedy store waiting to go up, and there's a lot of pictures in there that you don't really... I don't go in there. I don't go in the booth where people pay to go in.

I never go in that room. I saw comics that were fucking there kicking ass on. They're not even in the way anymore. I thought these guys would be here forever. They're gone, Link. Where did they go? Back off into a regular life somewhere? Yeah, I don't know what happens.

Because I got into this to do this to the fucking end. But before I go up, I'm like, I can't believe I'm still doing spots here. 20 fucking years later. So I know how lucky we are. But at the same time, I'm not as insecure about my skills as I used to be. like for years when I got here I was always very insecure so that's why when I went on stage

at the comedy store especially if I got 15 minutes I gave you 15 minutes of thunder you know what I'm saying what was it like back then when we got here in 97 yeah well you were there three years I was the 1245 guy right yeah

I was the 1 a.m. guy 115 12.15 12.30 was the earliest I went up Yeah. Every once in a while I'd be walking through the hallway and they go, Joey, you want to go up now and do your spot? Fuck yeah, 10.30. I'm out of there. I can snort blowing shit. So how, what was the vibe like in 97, 98, 99? You hated. Really?

It was more negative back then, right? No, no, no, no. It was a different comic from eight. In those days, it was always Argus. And then it was just comics, a lot of comics, I don't even remember. I didn't know if they didn't game anymore. So they were there before 11 o'clock comics. Right. They had credits and shit like that.

Then in those days, Paul Mooney would come in. And then after that, there was an array of comics. I was part of the array of comics after Paul Mooney. And I would always follow Paul Mooney. So I would have to go up there while people were getting up and walking out. So I had two minutes of just refocusing them. Right. Which taught me a lesson there.

That's a skill. And then how to... It's 1245. They listen to everything already by now. Just go. Just start talking and keep machine gunning them. And you remember little bits that you were going to drop on them?

Yep. And it's 1245. A joke you wrote that you think is brilliant. It's going to die a slow debt. And then you have to dig yourself out of a hole that fucking 10 Vietnamese can't dig themselves out of. You understand me? Just fucking cut the joke in half.

Go for it. go for the fucking punchline and run from there. Get them first laughing hard and hope that the rest guy and if you get them hard at 1245 it's like when you're in high school and you play football.

First play, everybody knows. First play. Wherever the fuck you're standing at a crossroom, you don't look them in the eye and you don't let them know. Listen, this is the first play. This is your shot to let me know who you are. Oh, I got to let you know who the fuck I am.

Whenever I went on stage, that's always the mentality. That's why people used to say, I hate comedy. How do I expect you to perform in three minutes? I used to be the king of three minutes. It's got to push. Just right out of the gate.

Right out of the gate. Why fuck around. Whatever the fucking comic in front of his voice was, you're going to be a little bit louder, but not too loud. And you're going to learn how to pitch your voice outward instead of this way. That's what's going to make

that room act differently. You move your voice even though you were using a microphone? Jesus Christ, after 20 years, I thought about this and I watched me a couple weeks ago. I saw myself do it how, especially in the main room, listen, somebody in front of you, like Chris DeLea, goes up in front of you in the main room

and you have to follow that. That's death. That's hard. That's death, gee. So you got 39 seconds after Chris DeLean. What are you going to have a long night?

Oh, do I know? I lived that horror show about twice already. I did good behind them the honor in the main room, in the original room. Yeah. I brought you up that. Yeah.

That was fun. Because there's two different energies in those rooms. Yeah, main room compared to the OR. I could be dying in the original room and kicking up. after the eight minute mark

because I know it's the energy. Yeah. And once I feel that energy, I got to pray for that second right to land. Yeah. And that second right land we're taking a ride for the last seven minutes. Yes.

I will get off on the big applause as soon as I see that big light and I walk out of there smelling like a rose. Yep. It's just like going into a 15-round fight losing the first eight rounds and winning the last fucking seven, not to mention,

you knock them out with 10, seconds left. Yes. That's the journey. Yes. That's the journey. And a lot of people don't want to take that journey because those eight minutes are hell. Me, I've lived in hell, motherfucker.

That don't do nothing to Uncle Joey. I've been up there for 20 minutes and nobody's left. Eight minutes is an eternity. But I know at some point I have jokes that I can turn this room around or I can just lose my fucking mind and then rely on the jokes later. If I lose my mind and I get them, oh, Maronami, as the Italians say, because then I got the prepared material coming behind that.

It's like stealing. It's just like steel. You just got to do the work. You're not going to learn these things out about yourself unless you don't do the work. And most importantly, you write them down. Tape them, write them down. Tape and write them down.

I would do the Youth Hostel every Wednesday night, every Sunday night. The audience warm up was the other thing that just start, stop, getting these high school kids in, getting these paid audience and community college. I mean, I cut my teeth doing that because I was, had to get over to learn to public speak. And I sold T-shirts for the Seattle Supersonic Games, being the waiter, because I was good at baseball, but I wasn't in that artistic world. And then I just had to force myself, Jay Leno, I listened to his boss. He said, you want to get into comedy? Learn to public speak.

Just talk. Then I did that cable access show. I did the public speaking. And then I went to New York. I was a tour guide at Radio City Music Hall. I barked at the comedy cellar. I did all these weird things. But you know what?

I got to believe in myself as a stand-up comedian. And because I've done so many, I've spread thin doing that, I think the last couple of years I've really focused on my stand-up. you know, put my energy into that. And, you know, last night or the other night, following you, it was a great, we had a great time, and I really appreciate that. And I like these, you know, I'm having a great time tonight. And it's about, it's a weird, it's a weird world out there.

It's a weird world these days. And you got to stay positive. I put out positive energy. And I don't know what my next gig. I'm doing bumper shoot. That's what I'm excited about. Seattle, I'm doing bumper shoot. Isn't that ironic?

Isn't that ironic? One of my, could be my final festival. Who knows? It's bumper shoot. And that is... It's still Pat Wilson. Who knows?

I don't know. That's funny. I don't know who's booking it up there. But there's liable to be a riot. That's Labor Day weekend. That's, you know, it's summertime's over. It's Seattle. You got people coming up from Portland.

It's Labor Day. You got Lord playing. You got Weezer playing. You got Brody doing comedy. something's going down in Seattle, bumper shoot. You heard it here first. Somebody's going to like a notify the FBI.

Brody, I'm getting information. That's my vibe. They're going to put you in a fucking tent out there like they did. Remember years ago Pat Wilson would book one of the festivals there. It was the local guys. Kerman Appio. The other guy who won Rodney Sherwood

listened to that. That was great. He was great. But these like a Pat Wilson never gave, you know. No, they didn't give us dead. Never gave it up. She gave me the Army base.

I never even got that. Then there was a Spanish guy in Seattle, Alberta, who used to book the old improv, which they changed over. In fact, I saw Soundgarden. The showbox? The showbox. Yes. Good for you, my brother.

I think it's still there. What was the name of the bar that we were going to across the street from the showbox downstairs? It was very bourgeois. Rod Long used to go there. He took me.

I took Josh Wolf. Then we all started going over there. We were comics. Do you remember? That one? No. Downstairs. Seattle had a great energy.

Pioneer Square. The music scene was on fire. I mean, it was post-grunge, but. Then we used to walk down to McCormick and Schmitz. Yeah. And they had the 4 to 7 o'clock menu, the mooch menu, and they had a cheeseburger. that had soda.

Clam chowder. Clam chowder. Cowsarad bread. Oh, my godly. And then it went again from 11 to 1. We'd walk in of 10.59. Give us the big table. $2. Give us the whole menu.

One shot. Give it to us again. The cheeseburgers are delicious cheeseburgers. And they give you like a shrimp cocktail. You just have her go down the menu? Yeah, $14. Would we still do that today if we were that age? Or today we don't do it as much because we go home to the Internet.

There's too much greater. Or we've, quote, unquote, developed a character, made a career, you know, going out like that. Do people still go out like that all the time? I think Jeff Ross goes out quite a bit. What I mean goes out at night? Like goes out at night. You know, or Dave Attell. These guys are out there at night.

Is there that I don't eat at night Oh you don't I smoke pot And I go back to the hotel room And I'm pretty happy I'm 54 years old If I was

42 and single Sure I go get a bite to eat And I would talk to people Who came to the show And smoke more dope You know Yeah

A little bit more You know I don't do drugs I don't really drink Right I'm not going to get sloppy In public Right So it's a different

it's a different show. But I remember, listen, man, you think you're sitting there, you're old, you're thinking of your comedy career, and I have to tell you something, the highlight of my comedy career was that that one year and a half in Seattle.

That really let me know who I was and what I needed to do. New York. York let me know how much work it was going to give me to become a comic. This, going to Seattle, made me realize

how much work it was going to be to kick it up to the next level, which was feature act. I was going to skip over MC and go right to the feature I was already featuring for Tribble and one night is, why am I got an MC? You know what I'm saying? And everybody said, no call,

whatever, I refused. And I finally got a feature spot at the comedy underground opening up for Lori Kilmartin who's still around Labor Day weekend are you fucking kidding me or what that was the highlight of my life for $200.

It was $50 a set. Good good. $200 at the comedy underground though. I apologize if you've talked about this before but I think you might have but I know how you have like your notebook with everything that you do. do you have like do you have like years and years of all your gigs that you've done yeah

i have tons of cassette tapes from see i went to new york also when once i went to new york and joey told me to go to new york and once i went to new york i kind of i didn't look back on seattle you know i look back fondly on seattle as i get older now more so even though i just i just do i've always had fondness for it but i also have fondness for that new york comedy scene i could really spread my wings there. You know, you're staying up to four or five in the morning. You know, I'm doing the tour guide stuff. I had to go to New York and prove

to myself, can I be funny on the East Coast? Can I be funny in some of the toughest crowds, tough people? And I was able to do it. But I wasn't, I wasn't, you know, I did late night spots at stand-up, New York.

But I had no confidence to ask Esty at the comedy seller. Because I barked there. I was barking. I could have been in the next, you know, Jim Nutt. No, who was Rodi Stevens. No, no, the guy who, Lee, I'll think of his name, but he moved, he ran the, he was the emcee, then he moved, he did the Boston Comedy Club, and then he moved, I forget his name,

but I'll find it. Just the fact that was still here in the arena of comedy, just thrills me. I don't even give a fuck about that, but I do really cherish that comedy zone, that comedy scene up there. Remember we used to on Mondays,

we leave the underground and go to a place that was fancy and had cages and shit. And we did comedy there a few times. I don't think we went back because they wouldn't give us money. And then we started going to Tacoma and doing a comedy.

Crossroads? whatever that was for that chick In fact she became my friend on Facebook And sent me a message Susan Jones Yes Nice lady Yeah

I went to that contest Many a night with zero on my gas tank Yeah And zero in my pocket And left there with a yardstick And the host For the following week To pick up a small yardstick

That was at the crossroads Ken ran the room Are you fucking kidding me People You know what it's like To drive to a contest knowing you have to win to get the yardstick, and if you win, you get a yardstick to the next week.

Then you come back to next week, and if you win again, you get the yardstick, you keep getting the fucking yardstick. I would take time off and go down there with three new minutes and fucking blast them, and then take another month off and blast them. Get them put two an hour every like six weeks. Seattle was just great for development. I just feel like in Arizona, I never had that, never had that energy for it.

Just wasn't there. But Seattle is just so much to chew on. So green, so wet. So, and look at all the creativeness that's come out of Seattle. Amazon, Costco, some other things. But Microsoft. Microsoft, Red Robin. A lot of things came out of Seattle.

Space Needle. You know? I can't believe the three of us are still fucking here. doing stand-up. If you were told me in 1997, shut your mouth, stop busting Brody's balls. He's going to be doing a podcast with you

in a studio and fucking Studio City some night. I'm going to go, are you crazy? Brody will be playing baseball somewhere, some shit by that. I thought this was like a shortcut for you until you told me a life story and then we fucking

you went to New York and you actually did it and people said you're out there and connected with you on the phone and some shit just what a crazy ride comedy has been it's been fun I still have fun I love you know that's one thing

when I have my spot at the comedy store I'm always excited about it I mean I me personally I just when that day comes when I'm not into it you know it's a day and I knew it right away when I was taking that workshop at UCLA

I was excited to go. That was what I was into. And same thing with Seattle, the open mics, the cable access. I just pushed it. I sold T-shirts for the Seattle Supersonics. I had to train myself. But I learned from,

we were so lucky that we were learning in Seattle non-showcase comedy. We were out of L.A. We learned about opener, middle, road, corporate, clean, how to you know how clubs ran you know you guys taking cruise ships so that was that was a great scene

another funny night of comedy in Seattle and people I don't have a lot of these I had one night in Boston with Stanhope one night in Boston with Seattle and one night don't hold me to the names people but there was a town like where Josh Wolf had his old apartment

there was a strip club there. Northgate? He was up north. He had a house. Yes. It was like Northgate. Like Aurora and a hundred or something.

So up there, there was a restaurant owned by like a Greek guy. All right. And he wanted to do comedy on Wednesday nights. And we would go up there, but the night would always add because somebody would curse on stage. Greek's a vaguely remember this. Lee, he would go totally. insanely.

Do you remember this or you were gone by that? I didn't do that one so much. Okay, so we would go up there like once a month, like 16 of us would invade that place and Count Hopkins III. Count Hopkins. You guys like that, right? Wally Glenn, Chas Able. Yeah, Chaz Abley.

Ramona. What kind of acted Count Hopkins at Third House? Oh, and it was hysterical because Count Hopkins III was a black dude. I figure. That was a great guy. He was my friend. I wish it was like a white guy. Guys, he was basically purple.

Like when you hear that expression about black, like when he'd open up his mouth, it would be pink and his skin would dis- I mean, he was one of the darkest brothers you'd ever see in his life. Now, Count Haukins is like a feature app. Count Hockhens, the third, it was like a feature act.

At the same time, I'm dear friends with a headliner name, Rod Long. Now, Rod Long is a Seattle native. Worked hard all his life. Did Jesus Christ, Brody Stevens. You know why? I'll tell you why. You're a young fucking man. Get it together. I'll tell you why, Joey. Because when I drove up here today, I took a Red Bull. So Red Bull makes me take a leak. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. You're going to live with young men. I'm like this. This is what this cholesterol medication is. That's why I said. You got to go that thyroid doctor. Your thyroid's all fucked up. So this guy was a black dude.

That was light skin, brother. Very articulate. Great joke writer. Okay. All right. Always wore a suit. Great guy. Just knew his marijuana.

It was a great photographer. I loved him until today. I got his phone number in my fucking phone. I still adored him. I learned a lot of comedy from him. We drove from California to Seattle. Seattle a few times. Me and him drove from Seattle and California and back three times.

Just to showcase for shit. That's how tight we were. And he always took good care of me. So I always think about him. And he had a family and shit. But to make a long story short, Rod Long comes up to me one night. Now, again, you just know me five years,

but you have to learn the mind of Uncle Joey. Right. Rod Long from his up to me. And he goes, you know, this motherfucking black dude, Count of Harkers the third? And I go, yeah. and he goes, when he does comedy, you watch him? Is he doing my jokes?

What? And I'm like, I don't know. How dare he accuse the count? How, how? That's it. Once you tell me that, I'm going to feel fire. So, okay, so let's say. So when someone comes to you

with their problems, you see it as a way to torture them mentally until they're breaking. No, because somebody came to me and said, my God, fucking Rod Long is really pissed at. Count Hopkins the third. Right?

You know, and I was like, really? And like, oh my God, he's fucking furious. Trouble looking to him. That Count Hopkins the third. So I would get him fired up about Kyle Hopkins the third. What's going on? Every time I saw him for about two months, every time I saw him, I'd say right along.

What's going on? What kind of happens to third? Fuck that nigger motherfucker. He would just go off for like three or four minutes. That black-ass motherfucker stole my joke and shit. Oh, my God. So now I got him going. I got him going.

Like for three months, and then one day he figured out. I can see Rod along looking at me. He's like, why, you always asking me about God, how are going to do that? I don't know. I don't see him. I don't see you. But I was seeing Rod at that time twice a week.

He was taking me on a couple gigs, you know, local Donna Richards. Yeah, he did all the sports gigs. He was a sports guy. I wouldn't do those of them. Those had to be clean. But those were his big corporate kids. He was like one of the go-to guys for the Seahawks or the Mariners. Yeah, he made a thing.

And he had a big, a good day gig. Like, I know if he did Cal, he did like work. Yes, yes. He was very fortunate, man. So, you know. Cliff Barnes was that guy. Cliff Barnes was another. He's another great sweetheart of a dude.

I really remember him. Me too. Great guy. And so was Rod Long. Rod Long. But Rod Long, every time I'd see him, Rod Long, have a couple cocktails.

I'm like, I go, Rital Long, what's going on him? He'd start on him again. That motherfucker's doing my jokes. I'm telling him. So now I would fucking wait until Friday night, like one in the morning.

I'd call Rod Long on his cell phone. And if he didn't answer the phone, I'd go, Rod Long, bring it up. I'd go, Count Hopkins is down there. And then I'd hang up, right? Were you with your friends?

Were you just buying yourself? I'm by myself. Oh, my God. I'm by myself in those days, coked up to the gills. Just sitting there trying to laugh at something, you know? And that's what I would do, torment. Oh, my God.

Rod Long lived for a year of me tormenting him not once. Was he out of the same night with Count Hopkins a third? You would just say he was? I would just make up shit to Rod along. When he was home and he couldn't leave, I'd say, Rod, hurry up. Like, if I talk to Rod the daytime and he'd go, man, I got a baby to sit there.

My wife's got something until midnight. I knew Rod couldn't leave the house at midnight. So I would call him about 10 and go, yo, fucking count out because it's down here doing your material. No. Oh, wow. That black motherfucker better not be doing my material. He would go off.

Because he was a little buzzed. Who? Rod Long. No, Rob would be straight as an hour with his kids. He hated the thought of Count Hopkins doing his material. But Count Hopkins had never done his material. So you started that? No, I did not start that.

Rod Long started himself. I was taking a leak. And I missed him. And I lit him on five. He didn't correct them. I never ever said to him, I saw Count Hopkins stealing material. I always egged them on in a weird way.

I don't know. What about Al Fox? That was funny. He got pissed. Al Fox was... That was funny. You know, at that point, I was doing comedy. Four years.

Seriously, two and a half years, okay, people. Let me tell you what happened. I went to an open mic up in Seattle, and they put me up, number two. I have it on video somewhere. I got like three minutes. No, you know.

No, something, no, I don't. Oh, you have the video. So I went there, I was like number three. And I got to be honest with you, people. I thought I was doing the right move. At that time, again, I wasn't sure if I was going to stay in Seattle. I had a daughter in Boulder I had been gone for about two weeks at this point

my rent was paid till September and I had to make up my mind till September pretty much the relationship in Boulder wasn't going anywhere and here I am up in Seattle a piece of ass that's a dirty whore you know I'm going through hell but I'm fucking doing comedy

at not a great comedy club but one of the best comedy club clubs in the fucking country. Comedy Underground. And I'm living in the music capital of the fucking world right now. And coffee. Coffee. Coffee. I didn't drink coffee in those days. I was

eating terriaki up at that fucking place. Number one terriaki. Number one terriacchi. That was my spot. Till this day. She cut the chicken with scissors. Yeah. Until this day, I compare everything to up there. Oh, that was good. The fucking salad dressing. Oh, yeah. The salad dressing.

Like a tangy ranch or something. And it's the same one that everybody else has, but they did it different. and they'd slice those cucumbers real thin. They were the first people to slice cucumbers really fucking thin. They were professionals, A to Z, 20 fucking years ago, you understand me? It was so, the rice. Like a ball of rice.

There was days. I was shameful because I'd be in there three times in a day. The to-go box was huge. I'd eat half of it there. I'd put that red sauce on it, takiyaki, and I'd fucking walk it over to the underground. Eat it downstairs on the greener. Or in the back there. Fuck yeah.

We would eat in the back. Bill the bartender, he was great with his laugh. But, oh, I know what I was telling you. So here I am number three. I got all these problems. And I'm sitting here about to watch the rest of this comedy show. In those days, he would put up 17, 18 comics. Yeah.

The last guy did 15 or 12. The weekly headliner. The weekly one on Monday night. No, no. The guy was just, it could have been you, but he believed in your call. Okay. So that's how called it. So that first month, I'm sitting there, guys, and I'm waiting to see comedy brilliance.

I am waiting to see why I'm leaving my life in Boulder. I am as excited as can be. I just been on the road for two weeks on a triple run, Brodies. Those are tough, right? The triple runs at that time? Yeah. Brue. That was my first triple-run road gig.

It was two weeks of learning everything A to Z. You know, how to eat, how much money I could spend. You know, I didn't really ask for drugs in those days. I was winging it in those days. It was a different scenario. But I'll never forget number four was that kid who killed himself. Jeff Masters. Which is a half come.

God bless his soul. But as soon as he went on stage, brother, you know it was a mental health problem like the three guys after me had mental health issues and if you didn't know that who were they come on I don't remember now

20s later oh no no Rita was in that neighborhood Rita was in that neighborhood also from four to like eight it was just people that were they came down there every week they went up three or four weeks they didn't write a new

joke. They didn't want to write a new joke. And this is what they did every week. And they had a day job. And they didn't do gigs for certain reasons. And it was very, like I would sit there and go, who would come down here on Monday night, put up with this abuse to do six minutes and not be a professional comedian? Like I learned, I remember being down there one night and everybody was so high on heroin. Dog, the waitesses were none. The Asian hot one that dated that dude with the long hair and

the bartenders. There's a real, real pretty girl of the blonde. I forget her name. Come on. Dog, I was in that place in the summer of 96, and those motherfuckers were nodding on a Monday night. You couldn't get a drink in there because the weight

staff was high on fucking heroin. I didn't realize that. What did the customers think? The customers were just sitting there. waiting for fucking something to happen. We would get crowds for the open mics. That's the thing. Monday and Tuesday. Monday and Tuesday leave.

They'd get anywhere from 60 to 100 people. Open mic. I got to be honest with you guys about six years ago, I was going through tapes when we were moving into the Valley, and I saw this tape and I threw it in, and it was a melody of tapes upset that I had taped over the years. And guess what came up? A Monday night in the CIA.

Seattle. And in those days we had six minutes. And it was a Monday night at this time. Again, in my life, I was living through a personal health. Yes, I had a girlfriend that was pretty. Yes, we'd 69 and do dirty, dirty, dirty things. But she was a whore. And I was crazy. It's not a good combination. What the fuck am I talking about? You're talking about Seattle, your life up there, what was going on. Because I'll tell you what, thank God we went to Seattle. Like we said, Mitch Hedberg was up there. People knew. No, a bunch of fucking people were up. They all came up. All the San Francisco comics, they came up there, they got it.

Gaila Bilem, Margaret Cho, Janine Garofalo, Tom Rhodes, Raj Barker, Pat Nosswald. I met so many fucking people in Seattle. and so many people I was in awe of in Seattle. I mean, corporate gang. Oh, I saw, who else the fuck did I see?

It was just, Seattle was a three-year college education for me that I thought I'd never, ever have. Look, the truth is right here. This is 20 fucking years later. He's sitting right in front of me. I'll tell you, I was an internship at Cairo Sports. I wanted to learn about sports radio. I had already graduated from Arizona State.

I wanted to be an intern. So I signed up for a class at Bellevue Community College to be an intern for Cairo, CBS sports. I go down to the Mariner Games, interview the players. And I did a couple stand-up sports like, hi, everybody. I'm Stephen Brody reporting live from the kingdom. But it just wasn't my thing, being Brody, doing that cable access show, getting on stage and ranting. And that's when you said, go to New York. And I went to New York.

And I went down to the Lower East Side. and I did surf reality where they didn't want jokes. They wanted you. They wanted craziness. They wanted drumming. And I broke through and I did that. Really found my voice, didn't look back on Seattle. And then the tour guide stuff, you got to live in New York.

It's like you got to wait tables. You got to live in New York. You got to take public transportation. You got to be around all different people. Now, look, the world's crazy right now. I don't know if those rules still apply. But for growing up in the Valley, yes, I always wanted to go to New York, just like growing up watching WOR, Met Games, it was just something

about the Yankees. They'd come play Anaheim Stadium, and it was just New York. I knew I had to go to New York. And then my friend got the job with the Yankees, Borzello, and it's like, now I get to hang out with the Yankees, get to go to Yankee Stadium. But I wasn't there to go to Yankee Stadium? And I did have pressure like, oh, why don't you come to the Yankee games? It's like, I got to go to Surf Reality.

I got to go to Stand Up New York. I got to go to Gotham and get on stage. so but I experienced New York and all that stuff Seattle and it just got me ready for LA and Seattle to you was New York to me my brother see there you go you just

as you were talking you just said something to me oh I was in New York for nine months and I went to New York let's be honest I went for three reasons I went to get away from what I had going on in Boulder okay I went to hook up with this girl.

That was phenomenal. And the third number three, though, was comedy, but with a tight four, was doing cocaine and getting up a $20 a gram in Harlem Harlem. So I went back to fucking New York, and New York to me was Seattle to you. I did a couple things, not TV, nothing. But I was getting spots.

Yeah. And I was going to New York Comedy Club. He liked me, so he put me up and I'd bomb. I was just a fucking bomb machine. that and one day I went into yellow triple in yep on 54th and 8th and I saw john Legerzamo at 2 in the morning and I left there and it hit me like a bag of bricks and I said I'll go to Colorado and do this dirty work well and that was my plan I went to Colorado and did that

dirty work only in Colorado well why did that why did John Legerzamo at that moment why did that make you want to go back to Boulder because I thought now I understood what comedy was for a long time I thought that I'd call Brody this is, you know, and I talked about this before. This is how I naive I was about comedy. So I thought comedy was always like,

Hey, Lee, who's your favorite comedian? I had a little brother's Stevens. Why do you like him? He's Jewish. He's neurotic. I love brother's things. All right. Thank you. Call up Brody Stevens agent and call him and see what he's doing tonight. That's what I thought comedy was.

And they would call you up and they'd say, Brother, you're available to shoot tonight? What's the take? The take is 30 minutes, HBO or whatever. That's how I thought stand-up was. Wow. And then and then fucking whatever your name is you came down there.

You went on stage. You did your album very casually. Like, this isn't the top of your head. That's how fucking we tart it and drugged up and out of prison. I got into it thinking, okay, there's what's going to happen. I'm going to go on stage maybe 10 times, and on the 10th time, somebody's going to see me, and that's going to be it.

I don't have to do none of this shit that other people have to do. Right. So I was going out to comedy clubs at night in the back of my mind going, look at these peasants. Peasants. You know what I'm saying? They're doing it all wrong. I got it all right.

Street smart. I'm going to fuck it. energy. I'm going to do this in 10 minutes and get the fuck out of here. And that's what I would do. I would do it in 10 minutes and get the fuck out. It was just something that, but I failed as a New York comedian.

Like I couldn't do what regular people were doing in New York. That was too much movement for me at night. Yeah. I liked going out to maybe two places. Once you started making me go to Staten Island and Queens, without a call, like I got a call one time. I'm in Atlantic City in crab legs

with my boy Jimmy Berkel just God's sake Rich as so and we got to call at 5 o'clock to be in whatever

fucking Connecticut at 8 o'clock at this moose bar and we drove up there right away and we made it just in time and you know we did this moose ball

whether it pay a buck in a quarter or whatever you know I like that type of adventure if I was fucking single my comedy career would be completely different. I'd be working six nights a week.

Cleaning it's over how I am now. All of his reefer on the road. Yeah. There's tons of reef on the road. I would get a bus, get my man Lee here. I'd leave in the fucking chairs. I would turn his bedroom into a studio for podcasting. Oh, gee, thanks.

Podcasts from the van. Yeah, that's it. For me, what brought me back to L. I knew I wanted to come back when I was 30, but doing these shows downtown, got a chance to host a couple, and Dave Chappelle was on, and Todd Barry and Mark Merrin,

and I was kind of holding my own. I was holding my own. I was doing okay. I didn't bring the show down. So I was hosting, and then I did a couple spots, and at that point I felt like, it was the summertime,

my apartment was hot, I wasn't, you know, it was funny. I mean, I knew I could do, I knew going, because my friends that I met in New York, They're all moving to L.A. to work on these TV shows. So they were working at these late-night TV shows. And they told me, like, I had a chance to get on them.

And once I did some of those shows at Luna Lounge on the Monday night, those hip shows, because I was doing late-night spots at the comedy clubs, but I wasn't ready for those prime timers yet. How did you react to winters at first, Brody? They didn't bother me because I went to Seattle. I went to Seattle and kind of prep me for it. That's why I knew the reason why I went to Seattle is because I have aunts and uncles and cousins up there. And I went up there in like 1980.

So I just remember going to seeing the Mariners and going to the Jewish Community Center and seeing the Supersonics work out there. And that was when they were winning. Freddie Johnson down, you know, Gus Williams. Why were they using the JCC? That's where they worked out. They worked out at the Jewish Community Center. Maurice Lucas, I think, was there. So I fell in love with Seattle.

I knew what was up there. And then when I played baseball, my freshman year, so this is 1989, I went up to Alaska to play baseball in the summertime, 24-hour daylight up in Alaska. And we worked our way down to British Columbia. And I just remember driving through British Columbia, how beautiful it was, how green it was,

how the mountains. I just loved it. And then I spent about maybe like a week in Seattle with my aunts and uncles. And I just felt the vibe there. And that's when I started listening to Nirvana. I remember listening to Nirvana and flying out to Seattle. And then that whole scene, the grunge scene started in 91, you know, a pearl jam and sound garden. So I knew there was some kind of energy up there.

Put it in my back pocket. And then when I was done with school, we had the Northridge earthquake. I was working at Macy's out at Topanga Plaza, you know, selling China on the fourth floor, spinning my wheels, living up in the hills with Berzello, you know. Just like, L.A., to start here is almost impossible. I mean, it's different now. It's different now. But back then, I didn't have the support system.

You know, I'm living out in the Valley. I had no, that's why I took a workshop. Let me describe for people what it's like. It's like the only comparison we could describe to you is doing comedy here in L.A. If you start here in L.A. Oh, that's not good. It's not good because your mental state is even different because everybody's talking about comedy. Yes.

With the final end already you being on TV. When you start in Michigan, which I love to use an example, because they have such a huge state. So they have all these little like Flint and all these little cities, they do comedy here. because in the winter there ain't dick to do you could start as an MC in Michigan Flint to the comedy scene What? Back then.

What's that? Flint? They all do. Pop up the map of fucking Michigan and let's, I'll tell you how many comedy clubs there are in Michigan just without me even looking at the comedy club list

Okay, this is how fucking bad to the bone I am. I will tell you. And if I'm lying to you, type me back and say, all the kids. comedy club closed there. That's how many clubs there are in Michigan. It's a big state.

If you want to start comedy and you don't want to be seen, you either go to Mission, you either go to Michigan or Texas. That's where you go for three years. Like Austin. You go to Austin. Or Houston back then. You travel all through the

state of Texas. You're always moving through the state of Texas. You're doing bars. There's so many fucking comedy holes in Texas. that you cannot even fucking imagine. Like Mapa Michigan with the names of it. All those little cities guys have fucking comedy. I can't see shit.

And Joey, this has nothing to do with like Best Damn Sports Show. You're talking stand-up comedy. Did doing Best Damn Sports Show help you as a stand-up comedian? Being on live, you know, live to tape so many times there and knocking it out every time. did that help at all with stand-up comedy or this is something completely different other than maybe just fucking... The best dance sports show

was fucking great experience because it was me in front of a camera. So anybody watched that fucking thing? I have no idea. I think they did. Grand Travers is Michigan. Keith has comedy. Huron has comedy.

Saginaw has comedy Kalamazoo Kalamazoo has comedy Grand Rapids Muskegon has comedy Detroit St. Clair has comedy He's going up

These are just the counties The other way The other way gee These are the other way No what are you going Into the ocean I thought those two sides That's like Michigan

The other way The other way All that little island Upper PI Upper PI there What the fuck Do that Ishpamine and all that I'm there.

Michigan militia. I go down, scroll down, my friend. Marquette, that's a different Marquette. Maconac Island. Yeah, Maconle Island with that kid from Seattle. Stu Stewart would go out there, ran like a comedy show. Right there so you can see everything. Good memory.

There you go. But these are counties. Keep going, my friend. I know. Keep going. But all these counties have Michigan. And these are the ones we fucking know of. think of all of St. Joseph's, all that Niles, all that by, uh, it's called Mishawker.

Yeah. All those places have some sort of comedy. Yeah, go look at the map of Michigan by this, by the city. But Joe told me, he said, you know, go away for six months and then come back. Go out on the road, stay out of L.A., and then they'll see your growth. You know, you've got to come back and forth. You got to leave and come back a monster. Yeah.

It's like if you were going to do steroids, how would you do steroids? You'd sit in front of these people that you've been around all your life doing steroids, and they wouldn't even notice you. They would say something looks different about you. You disappear for eight months. You promise yourself, you know what? You have a cousin's name is Lee. He goes to college in Boston.

Oh. He told you to get your job in the coffee shop at the university. and you could scratch on his floor. Boom, that's it. You know why your cousin's going there, Lee? Why? Because he read over the year about all the great comics

that came out of Boston. Because that was a fantastic scene. So you have this fucking dream as a young comic, and all of a sudden, you got a cousin who goes to college in Boston, and you're like 28,

you know, you could still fit in. It's not like Joey knocking on your door. Hey, let me sleep, on your floor, no. It's somebody who's your age. Let me tell you something, man. You do count, like, all that type of shit? I agree with all that type of stuff,

especially in the beginning. Especially in the beginning. You find a cousin or something, you look at the map good, and they have two comedy clubs and a one-nighter. That's what it shows you. That means there has to be four open mics, but the only way you're going to know,

is by getting on the bus and going there. You're not going to find that in your house. It's not going to tell you. When you go out to that comedy club, people are going to go to you. What are you doing Tuesday night? Nothing. Why? They do comedy, Rusty Nail,

from 8 to 10, and then we go over to Malacca's and they give you $100 a piece. Boom, I know what I'm doing Tuesday night. And all of a sudden, when you get that Tuesday, and they're like, what are you doing tomorrow night? We do the VFW.

It's only 35 bucks a set, but it's better than nothing. boom there you go you got to go out to middle of the middle you got to go out to fucking metal you still do right at the at the you know comedy it's human it's emotion you have to there's no it really isn't a shortcut the bottom line is you got to go out on the road but it's changed a little bit now with the internet it's like these guys could study comedy really study at visualize it like become these you know, you can find your voice quicker these days, would you say? I think you could find your voice and the amount of time you, like, let me explain something.

My first year and a half, I watched so much stand-up comedy. I rented the tape so many times from the video store that the guy wouldn't even charge me anymore. The BET, no, no, the HBO, what was it? Deaf Comedy Time? All-Star. but the most important was Rodney Dangerfield. Yeah, broke dice.

With dice and Hicks and Roseanne. There was two tape series. That drove me crazy. That's all I want over and over and I made notes like a football coach. And I looked at their mannerisms. And that's all I wanted to be. For Christ's sake, people don't remember that feeling anymore.

You know, it's like, and you didn't want to tell people. You still got that job over with the car light yet. You don't even want to go into it because people are going to try to tell you It's standing up town of you ain't that funny I had you in my house that day. Yeah. Lee, you're right over there.

Yeah, my butt was right. And that's all. Your butt was hurting. You ready for another star? No. Why not? How many stars do you eat for that? I didn't even count.

You ate four. Oh, no. But I had at least six. I don't know. That's suspect. See, I was so focused on baseball. and people, you know, I just never did the arts, never was into

my mom, you know, we didn't push, we push baseball. I like throwing. I like the structure of Little League. And I just kept always, I never was like a performer for, I did some silly performances. And then just playing baseball, just goofy faces and stuff. And then later on,

people would say, Rudy, you're funny. They told me I was funny. I never, like, told people I was funny. I was afraid of the ball. Oh, yeah, I was fine, throwing a person. still am. Me too. Yeah, I don't want to, I got hit one.

I was playing catch and hit me in the face. That's well, I mean, I've been hitting my eye through the sun. I've been line drives back. I'm not afraid of catching the ball, but like fielding the ball or like, yeah, if a pitcher's throwing 95 miles an hour. But I was a pretty good pitcher. I feel like I have no bitterness on my baseball. I felt like I got the most out of it.

And even to this day, you can still be around major leaguers. You don't have to pitch in the game. You can still, you know, I tell people it's like, I visualize stuff. If you visualize it, it can happen. You know, I visualized being able to do a few things. There's something to that, like whether you call meditation or I was a visualizing dog. When I wanted to realize that I want to become a comic, you just did it. I focused on blow and getting on fucking stage and writing stupid fucking jokes backed by energy and anger from this chick I was driving and my divorce and how it broke I was.

So it worked. You know, and I remember leaving in Seattle, a fucking okay comic, I thought. And then I went to a couple places in L.A. And I was like, you know what? I may be better and a little okay. And that's when you blew up. Like you were...

No, and then I went to the improv and stuff, and I'm like, oh, shit, this is real. At that time, I had done road work. I'm not going to lie to yet. did a bunch of triple work. I had done Donna Richards work. I had gone to Spokane, but Tain is karate buddy.

I had gone to fucking Portland, Oregon. Moscow, Bellingham. I had gone to Moscow, Idaho. I'd gone to all these things. I'd gone to Florida for a week. I was, I knew the road. Was I the king of the road? Was I Doug Stanhope at the time?

Not at all. And what the fuck happened? Does I lose my fucking train of time? No, you were on the road. You were the king of the road. Then you come to L. and that comedy store doing that, being there late night when it was freaking. And that was fucking me up.

That was fucking my confidence up. Then I started picking a little bit of momentum up. I'll go Latino night and I would do little cheat things talking Spanish and I'd blow up the room. And I'd go to the comedy store late night and I'd go on a rant. Why that you? And little things you could do. And then it's like going out there and saying you want to applause for the troops. shit like that

and then I went to the improv one night at that time I had a manager that kept pushing road work on me and I was like I don't know and it was flat fee type of shit no hotel some of it was hotel

some of it was just come on down and showcase for us but let me tell you about what happened with him tell me to remind you later what happened with this guy so in this trip I had signed with him like in February. I had been here maybe three weeks

the first time when I got here from Seattle, I signed with him. In that summer, I said, listen, I haven't been in New York. I'm going to go back there and do comedy. He got me a couple little gigs here and there, Camacho gigs. Roger Paul? No, at that time. Who's in New York? Rascals.

Rascals. Is any Brant? No. At that time, I hadn't worked with Vinnie Brand. I had done a few one-nighters up north or some shit like that. See, you threw my fucking train. I thought. Sorry about that.

Bring it back in. No crazy. No worries. What the fuck was I talking about? Going on. Oh, and he fucking sent me to governors. He sent me. I can't remember to like four or five clubs.

He did a great job. But I'll tell you what else he did. He goes, listen. Go to this address. And I go, what? this address, he goes, I want you to drop off a tape of you doing stand up to this

address. It's a new show. I go, what's the name of it? Give me an address. He goes, the soprano. And I kept to think, these guys singers, I don't want to be a fucking singer. I never dropped off the tape. You didn't?

This was before the, this was before the casting. You would have probably, of New York for sure, have been on it. I wasn't ready. I was, green. I had the opportunity to year later and I ate a bag of Cox. So you did have an opportunity?

Oh, I read for them early on. The end of the first season, when it was soprano mania, right then and there. I got an audition. Then they made me auditioned for two or three different guys. Gigi's Stone, the undercover cop season two, and there was somebody else that were making me

audition for. Did you ever take acting classes? At that time? Anywhere? At that time, absolutely. When I came to L.A., I think it took me a year to finally change my thing, and I started going that December. I saw you in basketball. At that time, I was not an acting class.

That's a classic movie. Is it really? Basketball? Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of like a cult classic, and you're in it. Does anyone ever bring that up to you? Every once or a one. You're a referee in it.

Somebody puts a picture up of me refting on Twitter. They go, look who we just saw on Twitter. Basketball. Baseball. I mean, that's pretty cool. Were you in Spider-Man also? A couple of years after that. I just bumped into Sam Ramey and a pitch.

Sam Ramey, he directed For Love of the Game, the baseball movie. Really? Yeah, the one with Kevin Costner. Ramey directed it, my friend Brzello, who was with the Yankees. So that movie was filmed probably in 98 or 99 at Yankee Stadium. And John C. Riley was in it, Kevin Costner. And it was about Kevin Costner throwing a no-hitter and flashing back on his life. So John C. Riley was cast in the movie.

He was the catcher. But he wasn't that great at baseball. And they gave him like a brand new baseball glove. and he couldn't catch. He couldn't do the scenes, and Costner would get upset. Sam Ramey was a director, but basically Costner did everything. So he gave him his glove. He couldn't catch.

Borzello was there kind of like being helping out a little bit, like just helping them with consulting. Yeah, exactly. He was there for that. And then they said, you know what, you look like John C. Riley. And Brazzello was a bullpen catcher, so they had Brazzello play John C. Riley, all the baseball scenes, Adam shave his arms. So if

you watch for love of the game, which is still like a baseball movie that holds water, you know, it still plays on MLB Network. If you watch the baseball scenes, John C. Riley, who's the catcher in the movie, it's Borzello back there. If you look, you can tell. And he's a coach now with the Cubs.

He went on to win five World Series championships. That's another thing. It's about winning. You got to push. I grew up here in the Valley. I learned about pushing, leaving, you know, and it's like it's such a, this world now, again, I don't want to harp on politics, but I'm a single white guy. I'm there, you know, I don't have, uh, I get pushed around a little bit. I see it. Grew up here in the valley. People put the valley down,

but I don't know why I threw that in, but the bottom, I see the American flag. I like that, you know, it's just, uh, it's a crazy time and I feel like certain tweets, you got to watch what you say because this town's based off like, uh, uh, You know, certain actors are in the same thing because they all think the same. But I feel like, you know, you're talking about living in your car and believe it in yourself. You know, this is a great time to be a comedian, you know? There's so much stuff out there to just go for it. That's why I think you could do this plan.

We could sit down during a week. Our RV, there's a national company that finances you. if we could do a show or figure out a way to tweet with their RV something. There's a hook there for national attention. I like that right there. I like that right there. Cross-country

trip or Brody. You know, your periscope is very big. There's no reason why you can't add to the periscope and make a little money there. I need a new manager. I think you would be a great manager. And then you have to do it. Oh, yeah, he'd be the best manager. Why don't you manage me, Joey? Because I got enough shit on my play. I got a managerly.

Well, he doesn't know whether he wants to go to Pizmo Beach or fucking Long Beach for a honeymoon. But you guys don't understand. Joey's giving me, you know, it's like Joey does his own stuff. These guys do a lot of their thing, you know, but I want you to understand, like, a lot of my career choices, a lot of fundamentals that I go to are based off Joey Diaz, based off that. And also in terms of confidence back in like 2001, having Joe Rogan say, you're funny. So that kind of like helped me relax and go for it and push a little bit knowing that. Rogan thought I was funny. And he asked me, I did the audience warm up, you know, for the man show with Stan Hope and Rogan.

And they gave me the confidence, you know. I kind of rode that. But I was so good at audience warm up. I just continued doing audience warm up. I got too good at it. That was the problem. What's an important part of the show? And, like I heard her, sorry, I've seen you once, and it's still the one thing that...

The room just moved to him. Yeah, Joey's having a good time. You know, I'm hanging in there. You guys had a little more than me, but I'm hanging in there. Oh, shit. I mean, up in the dog, I'll take a little peepees. Hold on one second, yeah. Okay.

Oh, the room just moved. Like, there was an earthquake. Uncle Joey had to catch himself. He fell asleep there for a minute or something. That chocolate bar took me from. You okay? La Fossa. So...

De Destino. So, Lee. Yes, sir. You've seen audience warm up. You saw my stand-up recently. That was a great feeling to be at the comedy store that night. And then I saw you over on the left-hand side, but I wasn't sure if it was you. And then, you know, I had a pretty good set.

And then for you to, you know, you came. You've been very supportive of my comedy. I think you're very funny. I'm, especially when I really like, my favorite kind of comedy is like the hour, but I do like going to the comedy store. Right. You get a lot of variety. You get a lot of variety. But if you sit there from 10 or 9 and then you're there at 12, 30, or 1,

right. So most of the regular stuff is pretty boring. To see you is always very exciting. And then I'm just, your, like, your Instagram is, like, you'll have inside jokes with people if they've seen the Brody Stevens Instagram. because you have to see it, you can't just watch it one day. Are you talking about like the Instagram stories? Yeah, I like Instagram stories, that's right, yeah.

Because you have to watch it like every day. And little themes. The more you want, yeah, I really like the dirty newspaper. Yeah. The dirty newspaper kills me. And what else? I don't use Periscope as much watching it. I don't know from time I said they're watching it, but I miss you drumming.

Yeah, I need a drum more. But, you know, Instagram's quick and easy. keep it positive. You know, it's Twitter. You can be negative. I feel like it's kind of hard to be negative on Instagram. I'm not verified. That upsets me.

You're still mad at them? Yeah, you know, it bothers me. No, I'm really, I'm not mad. I'm happy with my, what's great about this is like, you know, it's good that I'm out here because Lee, you're respected guy. You're supportive. I got guys, you know, the Ari Shafir crew, all those guys. everyone's there, so I need to take action.

Like tonight, Joey reached out. I've been putting out the energy focusing. Some nights I'm not getting those spots, but I'm pushing it. But I'm going on the road, too. I'm going to Iowa. I'm going to doing shows in a tent. And I like doing it. You know, I just got to make a few bucks.

That's my thing. I don't need to have a house. I don't need, I'm okay with, you know, give me a little internet, give me good water pressure, vehicle that I can sleep in. I guess we're going there. but I like the baseball stuff. I'm getting to it. If I can combine sports, my love.

I'm going to be. They're tough to get a dime out of it. They are. And even when you get the dime out of it, it's not the best dime in the world. There's too many restrictions to take the small nickel. But you know what would be a great job, Joey, to work in baseball as a positive energy coach.

They need positive energy around these teams. They need a friend. They need somebody who understands comedy, who can tell them how to, be how to be funny when they do their interviews and also not say weird stuff. Keep the guys light. I also played baseball and I know how to throw a ball. I wouldn't mind getting involved in baseball because Hollywood is so, you know, turbulent right now.

Lee, do you think so? I mean, there's always, I'm always surprised, especially with sports teams, that they allow them to have social media, Twitter. I understand why they have to because they have to market themselves. I got a plan for you. But they only seem to get in trouble. Joey does have a plan.

I got a plan for you. Okay, we're right here. You want to start your journey? Yep. Number one, you have to apply yourself to a player. You have to look at the end of the year this baseball season and see what player had a mediocre playoff.

Well, you because I had a tremendous playoff. Yeah. And you hook them up on Twitter and go, my name is Brody Stevens. I'm a comedian, but my main source of energy is I'm a positive energy coach. I love to come work with you. And you are all on my expense. This will cost you nothing.

Oh. If at the end of the season, you know, a better player, then you decide I'll make you sign the contract, even if you just give me $25,000 at the end of the season. Another idea that Joey. I guarantee that you will hit better. What would you do? In that off-season, pre-season, pre-season training, pre-season baseball a week away, and baseball to make this player better mentally. That's right.

Instead of focusing on a team in terms of getting a gig, reach out to players. There's 350 players. There's only 30 teams. Reach out to the players. Look at my credentials. I was in the hangover. I was in due date. I'm getting decent spots at the comedy store.

I can help you become a better baseball player, give you advice, and I'll put out energy for you. And let's see what happens. Let's see what I believe in you, if you believe in me. I accept PayPal. Thank you. What energy you're going to put out for them. Thoughts and belief? No, put in the work.

I just don't know what time you're going to put out for them. I'll pray for them. I'll face mecca and pray. No, I will just psychology. I can help them with breathing. I can help them with what I did, being smart. I can do that.

I know you're like putting me out of the spot. I'm not putting it. I just want to learn what you're doing. I can tell them about being positive words. I want to know what you're doing. How much would 10 sessions cost me? Somebody right now, if they lived in the San Fernando Valley and they were struggling,

they wanted to become a piano player with something was holding them back. What would you charge somebody for a 10 week, Brody Stevens decapitate the enemy within session How are they? 50 minute sessions? Whatever you want to do?

How long can you hypnotize somebody or terrorize somebody for? I think 50 is the limit. I would say 100 bucks, so a package of 10 for a thousand. Be a thousand for positive energy. But if you contact Brody right now

tonight this weekend. Brody at Brody Stevens. It will give you the whole packet for $900. That's the first... Wait, $900, Joey. Yeah, that's the first visit. That's crazy. That's $100 less.

I want them to get something because they listen to you on the podcast. Okay. It's the promo code. The promo code is, I heard about you on the podcast. I want to know if we could do the deal for the small nine yards.

Its payment is $2.4.50s. You know what I mean? Where do I meet them? You meet them at the Starbucks. somewhere. Oh, they can meet at Starbucks? Sure, that's where you make the initial confirmation. Okay, but what about after that, the meetings?

The meetings will be in your house with you wearing a robe. And they get naked on the bed. He was at their mail, maybe they have to turn. No, I'm not into that. All right then. I don't fucking know. Can I meet him at Starbucks? You assessed them the first time. You can't do the whole session

at Starbucks? That's not, that's a lot of money. Like this studio is. Maybe I ran out this studio here. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. You Meet him at Starbucks the first time. Of course. And then you access them, and then you call him. And the night before, you're supposed to meet him. You meet him somewhere that's going to, what's the word I'm looking for?

It's going to blow up his sensory. A park. That he's never been. It won't. See, if I think park and you think park, it's a bad idea. It's hacky. Why isn't it hacky? We're helping the guy.

It's hacky. No, we've got to take him somewhere. Oh, got you. We're really stimulating. Take him to the ocean. The arcade. Take them to the zoo. Retar's like the zoo.

I'm talking. I haven't been to the zoo for a while. She ever thought. Oh my God. You see what Rogen tweeted today? What, brother? They threw a fucking donkey into, like, the tiger pit.

Why? Where? Because, like, the people who own the zoo, the Chinese investors weren't happy with the profit, so they were trying to steal the donkey. And they wouldn't let them. So they were trying to save money on feed.

Does he have the video of it? Yeah. Is it pretty graphic? Yeah. But it's nature. Yeah, kind of. But they said they... They fed them.

That's not nature. Remember I told you? The zoos in China, they got those fucking guerrillas dressed up like the Beatles. Yeah, they said they make them perform. But that's funny. Are they not happy? They're probably not happy. They take their animals serious in Japan and China over there, zoos and shit.

Anyway, let's fucking cut this off here. Proofy Stevens. It's been an honor to watch you grow. as a comedian, as a human being, as a good son to your mom, a good brother, you know, you have your little issue from time to time, but you're solid. And most importantly, we're still in this. Oh, my God, praise Stevens.

It petrifies me sometimes. It petrifice Sunday night. That was scary. You're following me at the store. If I came up to you 20 years ago at the fucking underground, Right. In 20 years of the Sunday, then you're going to follow me at the store.

What are the odds? You're going to look at me and go, Joey, you really need professional out. That's like two high school baseball players that go, you know what? We're going to be teammates in the major leagues. And I'm going to hit behind you one game. I'm sitting at night watching.

You're going, wow. I'm getting old. So is Brody, but we're still here. But we're living longer. We're taking supplements. We're drinking water. We're being positive. Drinking water, pissing.

We're stretching. sleeping, which is fucking so crucial, you know. Eight hours, go for it. I do so many things. Hey, listen, you can never cheat your heart. Your heart's like the devil. You need cardio, right?

God gives you just so many fucking pumps. And after that. What about apple? Oh, yeah, no more. Apple cider vinegar. Right, Joey? It's supposed to be good. No, I take it.

Do you take apple cider vinegar? I take everything. You do? Apple cider vinegar. vinegar can coxidoo. I take apple cider vinegar. I've lost, you know, I've lost inches. Whenever I mention it, people get excited about it.

You look for them. Yeah, but I barely exercise. All I do is walk and stretch. When I first met you would chisel, people used to think you were Johnny American. Yeah, but now I've leaned out. You leaned out again. You're a savage.

You still got the kettlebells? Yeah, but if I get, I get hurt if I get back. You know, I'm older, so I got to watch my impact. So I should be spin biking more. I should be doing like a runyon Griffin Canyon more. I should be swimming more. Swimming, biking, all that stuff. Spin and swim.

He joined the swim school. You never went back. Where? Where do you swim at? Oh, I haven't gone there yet, but they have one in Burbank. Swim school? Yeah, they have classes. You don't know how to swim or is it just a lap pool?

He went last week to place is closed. I didn't go there. Swimming's a great exercise. I need to get back into it. He would be a savage in the pool. I every one of these swims is a fucking unlaw. Mali and shit. Jews are good swimmers.

My dad was a good swimmer. Mark Spitz was a good swimmer. Jewish. I just don't have any cardio. I know how to swim. I just can't do it for very long. You can do it. I have a, I need some advice, and I don't know if anyone's had this issue.

I have to go to a urologist, and they're going to stick a finger on my butt. I've never had that happen. It's no big deal. It's not that bad. No. I mean, I was reading in the newspaper the other day. in the back there

no have an enema the night before no it's not bad you know it's like when it's like wiping your thing and then he'll say

like I'm gonna enter it and then it goes in there and then you just like relax you give in and uh it'll be over and then how long does it take

like two minutes two seconds or oh it's a fucking night man I just just thinking about I don't know it's like 15 seconds

they're just checking for like paulups or stuff They put you in the bed, they make you curl up in a fetal position. Yeah. He sticks his finger, he puts a glove on. Yeah, Vaseline. He sticks his finger on with Vaseline.

And he rubs your back. And next thing you know, you feel this thing. Does he rub the back? He might. Sure, he rubs your back and talks to you about it. Oh, because it helps relax. Yeah. It gets your mind off.

They've been, they've been doing well. And next thing you know, you get this warm finger up your ass and you feel it. He hits, like, the button where his shit starts to come out. And the worst is when you look at his glove and he's got a little bit of shit on it. That's the worst. That's embarrassing as a fuck, Jack. And my doctor wants him to massage the prostate. Does he?

Yes, I don't know what that... Oh, you need a little masseuse of the prostate on his shit. Oh, that's a part. You're going to splash it over you, so. You might as well talk to take Paul over you to stroke that little peanut of death. Oh, Jesus Christ. What, really can... I got a hate...

tweet. From who? Front row Brian, he goes, Dog, you mentioned you played baseball two dozen times. I figured out you played baseball after a first dozen times you said it. Tremendous. Well, deserving for me.

Whatever. Jeez. It's people like that. Fucked up this shit. Anyway, let's get this. Yeah, very, he's a big fan of you. He's a good man. Let's get the sponsors.

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Bam! All right. I want to thank Quip one more time. And I want to thank naturebox.com. Again, go to quip.com slash Joey. I want to thank my brother, Brody Stevens, who I love a different mother. Joey. This is 1985.

We were doing comedy. You got it. Even with the tranny comic, Rita O. Rito. Who fucking. We stole her valiums downstairs, and we used to eat a pizza. She put her penis in a pickle jar. And she put a penis in a pickle jar.

She used to say, who ate my potato chips or whatever the fucking was. That was a good. Tomorrow night, bitches. Bring her improv. next Thursday, motherfuckers. You know what? I'm working out. The Ice House, Pasadena, 8.30, the 15th. I'll see you

motherfuckers there. Have a phenomenal weekend. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. Yes. And now, the end is near. And so I face the final curtain. My friend, I'll say it clear.

I'll state my case of which I'm certain. I've lived a life that's full. I traveled each and every highway and more. Much more than this, I did it my... Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do, saw it through without exemption. I planned each chartered course, each careful step, along the byway

more much more than this I did it my way I'm sure you fit off more than I could chew when there was I've laughed and cry

I've had my fill my share of losing And now as tears subside, I find it all so amusing to think I did all that, and may I say, not in a shy way, I did it, ma'am. It was my.