The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #489 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

Ari Shaffir, Comedian whose double special, "Double Negative" is coming to Netflix on July 18, 2017, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/11/2017.
  

It's like 30 in a minute here or something. In this bag we got. Jesus. We might finish this one. That's as thick as it. This is it. This is it. You go to Indonesia with this.

These are $34 a piece in Indonesia. You've got a job for so long. Yeah, you've got like 20 years. Yeah. Just give them to the people at the police station. Take these there. Vitamin. Those poor little Chinese people go down in fucking flames in Indonesia.

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Get up. It's over. You go on the war. The Koreans are lighting the dutch. Let's do this shit. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Oh, yes, you do. The church of what's happening now.

Lee Syatt, Ari Shafir, and your uncle Joey. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to Podcastville. Uncle Joey here welcoming you on a beautiful Monday morning, slinging dick and giving out chopsticks. Lee Syatt's here. I think Ari Shafee is here. I'm here.

I'm mostly here. That was a tremendous bong. I told you. Yeah. This new weed. We're getting out here. This new weed from the one I Jew. Jesus.

This is killing motherfuckers. I tried to send you postcards. It's a warning. They didn't get to me. Don't come back. It's too strong now? Nobody went out the intelligence shit. You went away for a long time.

Joey. You don't shine shoes no more. It's weird. You smoke out there. You would have laughed at it. It's all brown. Oh, yeah. It's just like sticks of things.

Seeds. Oh, yeah. So many seeds. What do they charge? Depends where. Some places is not much, like 10 bucks for like a ground-up eighth, you know, like a shitty-looking eighth. Where'd you get the best weed at? Vietnam.

Vietnam. Vietnam had good wheat? Yeah, one guy had it. Like California weed or Vietnam? It had been a long time. It had been like two and a half months already. So just way better than anything I remembered. How was the food in Vietnam?

Pretty good. Those bombie sandwiches. What a bobby? You would love those. Just quick fucking in a little bun, like an eight-incher. They stuff it. It's like just fresh, super fresh bread. Like real, they got that from the French.

And the French invaded them. And they just stuff it. of shit. Like what? Chicken. And then like a little long carrot and some like hot pepper in there if you want. A little bit of salt. It's just their own like, you know, hoagy, I guess. Now who invaded Vietnam first? French.

French. The French got out and then immediately America is like, hell yes, we're getting in there. Because if you watch Apocalypse now, the Redux, yeah. They add those scenes. What scenes? Where they have in dinner at the French house and they get into an argument and the guy tells more. And the French are already gone. You know what, man?

Or the French is part of the house? The French, it's the French's house. This is the scene after they go and surf, Charlie don't surf, and then they go to the thing, and they see the playmates come down in the helicopter. From there, they go on to the lagoon, and they go somewhere, and the movie turns, you know, Apocalypse Now, when it came out in 79,

it was a great cut. It was a three-and-a-half-hour movie. Yeah. But then for the 20th anniversary, or something. I don't know exactly. They added that extra hour and a half. Hour and a half more. Just five hours?

Something. Something. If you want to look it up, Lee. And there's a scene when they're in some guy that's French soldiers and they're having dinner and they get into an argument and they explain to the American that, you know, we can't believe what you're doing now that we already dealt with this. So that's now, yeah. I forget all of that. Yeah, they had like two successive wars there, the French and they drove out the French. immediately Americans moved in.

They're like, we're going to take you over. They never attacked anybody. They were just there. They called the American War there. And how does Vietnam look today? It's all right. Ho Chi Minh was pretty packed.

Pretty packed. Yeah, motorcycles everywhere. It takes you like 20 minutes to work up the Kurds across the street. They just go, there's so many of them, hundreds of them. Yeah. And it was overdone.

Like, they just keep, they have districts to go out farther and farther and farther. Maybe you fuck you American. No, not once. They like us now. They like us now. That was just an old government.

They don't care about them. Well, are you going to like the Chinese anymore. Are you South Korean or Vietnamese or not? Am I of Korean or Vietnamese descent? No, I'm sorry. Is it, were you in South or what's your, what I'm sorry?

Oh, no, you're in Vietnam. I'm sorry. Jesus Christ, that's how. Wait, what was your question? For a second, I was confusing Korea with Vietnam. Did you think I was Korean or Vietnamese? Yes. No, no, no, no.

I thought you, I thought you were in Korea and not Vietnam. Oh, I get it. I get it. What did you find out of Apocalypse now? 4.50. That's what it finished with the time. Four hours, 50 minutes? Yeah, for the Redux.

Golly, that's so long. Yeah. You can't. Come on. You can't do that. No, I can't do it. I've watched parts of the Redux. I can't lie to anybody.

I've watched parts of it. It's just too long. Yeah. And I think it takes you somewhere. You don't want to go. They've redone the Godfather. They've added all the scenes back. Really?

Like, fucking nine hours. All three of them together? All three of them together. You see them in chronological order? You see that? No, no, no. I think it's the first two, and they put all the parts back. And it comes out, if it starts at 12, it goes till 6 or 7 o'clock at night, HBO.

Oh. And now I think Bobby, didn't Bobby put something out today on Facebook, Bobby Sharon. They're releasing the Godfather for a week. What are you mean? In theaters? Yeah. Oh, that'd be cool. Or the week after.

Oh. They're re-releasing the Godfather for. a week for the 40th anniversary. I think that's going to be the move. You know why? You know why? Because they're trying to pre-hyped for it.

Really? Yeah. They're trying to get people talking about Godfather four. Are they going to shoot a Godfather? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the grandson or something. Or like them and like a war with somebody else. I don't know.

I mean, I think they... Maybe it was that kid. Maybe the kid grew up, the boy, a dumb boy. Yeah. Yeah, what if a dummy got in, like, gotten head of the mafia? Seems like a comedy then, right? I guess.

That's low-witted son if he became the head of the mafia. It always happens. I've thought for a while that they could, I think the movie theaters could survive on just re-releasing the best of the old movies. And then, and just, I mean, there are movie theaters that show old movies, but if you just re-release, like, the best, not every movie, but just had, like, a week. Dumber, yeah. And you could do, and you could do, like, marathons.

Like, if you wanted to do all the godfathers in one row, yeah. But just give the new movies a break until they get a chance to make some... Listen, there's people that are nostalgic about a lot of movies. So what you do is 16 candles. Yeah. Ferris Bueller. Let's get Ferris Bueller. Yeah, sure.

Okay, Ferris Bueller. Everybody loves Ferris Bueller. You want to re-release Ferris Bueller. You'll get my $7. But I'd rather you add two or three things. you know, two or three scenes that we didn't see. Oh, yeah, something. And we release it on the 30 second anniversary,

and I'll pay you the fucking 12 or whatever the fuck it is, Ari. I'm just saying that I don't mind. Those are my favorite movies. I mean, everybody's nostalgic about 16 candles or what's the other one? It is 16 candles with the Chinese guy. Yeah, they adopt the Chinese guy and fucking... Do you steal her underwear? Yes, he steals the underwear.

That's a good one. It shows it off. Or Michael Hall. That's right. They had the party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's under the thing. All those movies are phenomenal.

You know, the Breakfast Club was just on. What did I watch today? Today I watch the second half of something that I said, this never fucking comes on. You know, those movies, if there's nothing to do. Yeah. Now, let me explain something to you. There's some people who like going to Tarantino Stee, or the Beverly.

Oh, yeah. The New Beverly, yeah. Would you, let me ask you something, Lee, because you actually go to more movies than me. myself and Ari. Yeah, for sure, right? I used to... Would you go see one of your favorite old movies with Paula

at the starlight? This is the scablight. Arklight? And pay the $18. See, I wouldn't pay $18, but here's the thing. How much is the arc light? I think arc lights around that. 12, 50, 13, 14.

15, something like that. So let's pretend now. I'm not even talking about the Godfather. Let's be fair. Let's say... Here's an example just for kids my age. Like we watched Good Burger a few months ago. Yeah.

Had a way better time like that. And that's not a classic for like a... Good Burger, really? But it's a classic for like Stoner, like just for like kids. But I think you could get away going from like the 70s and 80s, even not even the 90s. You could do the 90s if you wanted to, but just 70s and 80s. And just because how you always get out, get out mad at me for like not seeing things. Like give us a chance to see it.

And then because the only reason tickets are that high is because of these, whatever it's called, the studios are making, that's where they make their money. So if they just re-released old movies, they could lower ticket prices because they're not paying anything to get the movies out there. So they'd probably end up making more money because they're not, all they have to do is pay residuals. I would like to open up a movie theater. Fuck, yeah. Like, I went to a movie theater in San Francisco in 1985, R.E. That you would have died. Yeah.

They closed it. up or maybe it's still open it's on the tenderloin it's on the it's on hey dashberry i'm sorry and it used to be close to the end and i saw a mask there the movie was share and the little kid not the mask oh sorry mask 1985 would share when she had the kid that was really ugly with the fucked up head you ever see that no what a deforma a mask yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah eric roberts so what i had to do was this movie theater i don't know how they made money But this is the deal, guys. He had a big head.

In that movie, he did. Yeah, it was real. And in real life, it was even bigger. He died the summer and shit. Did he really? Yeah, he died that summer. Eric Roberts? No, the guy, that fucking Eric Roberts fucking played.

Oh. This is what they had. This is why I don't know if you can make money to be successful. First of all, you'd have to put love seats. Because people go in twos. Go where in twos? To the movie theater. Yeah.

So at this movie theater that I went to, to San Francisco. Oh, yeah. In 85. Yeah. They just had 23-man couches that look like the couches in La Jolla. Oh, really? All fucking busted and whatever.

They redid them real cool. Yeah. They had ashtrays in there for weed and cigarettes. Oh, cool. They made popcorn with real butter. Nice. And they made homemade chocolate chip cookies, not the fucking, like a guy was there packing the cookies. No way.

Yeah. Wow. And they would come out and the bell would ring. like a white could go on. It was still look like 1950 in there. You could still smell the sperm from the burles days.

But it didn't matter. You sat in the couch. You could take your shoes off. Really? Pop your legs across the fucking thing. You could, let's say just you and I went, or let's say you and your girlfriend went in the afternoon. Yeah.

And there was nobody there. You could sit on the couch and spread your legs so your feet are touching and watch the movie and eat popcorn just like you at your house. Oh. So that's the experience I want to provide. The only problem is if you have those type of couches,

how many people can you put in there at one shot? Right. You cut it down the seat. You have to up the ticket price. You have the ticket prices. The hell of that now. There's a chain called IPEC, which my dad goes to in Florida all the time.

They have servers, which are very nice. They give everyone blankets and reclining chairs, and you have a server that will come to your chair during the movie theater. In Toronto, they had that 20 years ago at the movie theater. Oh, it's amazing. Well, they would come up to you. The seats would recline.

and there'd be a little table next to you, and she would come give you beers, chocolate shakes. I would fucking pay to go to a movie theater and get a chocolate shake thin. Yeah. Yeah. Think about that. That one on sunset has stuff like that.

They have a tomato bisque, tomato soup, and they have a little buzzer that goes off. Listen, the fucking Arkwright has the chicken sausage. Really? With the sandwich. It's brilliant. It comes to your seat? No waitresses at the end of the fight.

That sucks dick. Yeah. Did you go to the movies when you were overseas? Yeah. Yeah. One time. Where'd you go? I went to, in, uh, in, uh, in, uh, Yan'an, Myanmar.

I went to the Assassin's Creed with a couple Australian girls. So where did the tour start? Where did your get your head together tour start at? I might get the head there. That's what I call it. People say, where's our reason to get your head together tour? Yeah. I started in Myanmar.

I went there first. They fucked around. on Myanmar for a while? How long was the flight? I don't know. Like 13 to 20 hours. You slept the whole flight. I slept some of it, for sure. I don't think I, I don't remember having any edibles. No, I do, because I had some, I had some in Myanmar. I found one. So I had it on the plane. So yeah, that was it, though. On the plane there for the first half. Then you get the guitar, you got a transfer guitar, and I don't want to fucking have anything there. Where's guitar? Doha. Or Doha is a city?

It's hard somewhere in the Middle East. It's a country that just got, like, no one in the Middle East is, like, acknowledging them anymore. Really? Why? I don't know. It's weird. But, like, how did you even pick? I don't even know where Myanmar, like, I would never even be able to pick it out. Southeast Asia.

It's just a country in Southeast Asia. It's fucking cool, man. Where did you live there? You went to hostles. Went to hostels. One night at a hotel, then straight to hostels. Fucking met people there. They told me where else to go.

You know, what the other cities are, what the other places are? How many people are recognizing you right of a while? None. Right away, none. That was cool. I think it was like, I think it was like, uh, it was like the first time. Yeah, I think like, I don't know, two weeks in, two and a half weeks in, something like that. And then somebody, it was just fine. It was cool. And then like less and less. You know, yeah, then none again till like, I don't know. Yeah, it's, it was like three or four or five times total. So you were over there for 90 days. In Cambodia. You were with it for 90 days.

Yeah, 100, 100, 105, 6, 7 days. How long until you got a little clarity? After like, good question. After like maybe a few weeks, pretty quick, you just start like just thinking all the time. You know?

What point did you get clarity? Were you in a lake soaking your feet? Were you in a bar and they were playing yinging music? I've had it before in Edinburgh in Scotland, being on mushrooms up in the hills, just walking around when the sun comes up, and just having moments of like, oh, I get it. Okay, I can do it this way. Okay, I can just do it this way.

Just figuring it all out. Yeah, real clarity. But I don't know if I had any there. No, I did. Sometimes, yeah, I went to some fucking monastery, some Buddhist monastery, like Duncan. And you just have to meditate all day. You're supposed to clear your head, have no thoughts whatsoever. And did you do it?

No, I had so many thoughts. How long did you sit down for? How long did you sit down for it? Well, that's what happens. All that shit comes out of it. Yeah, it just floods in. You're supposed to learn how to like, I guess get him to go away. But man, it makes you think about so much stuff.

And like four or five days of that. You're just like, oh. Did you stay there for four or five days? Yeah. Yeah. On these little fucking yoga mats. And where'd you sleep? On the floor.

Wood floor on a yoga mat. And what'd you eat? proteinless food you can't kill animals or insects you know those fucking spiders right in your fucking bunk you're not supposed to kill it for a while so you have to like just let a giant spider to be nearby yeah but yeah they don't eat animal at all so like you eat like a bunch of cabbage-based foods um rice is a good say yeah they had they had one hard shower that was cold and they had one trickle, but it was pretty hot. So it really was like, which way are we going to go?

It depends if you got it midday when it was hot out. Okay, maybe you'll risk the freezing cold. I don't know how it got that cold, though. Man. Or the trickle. And you just got to like, you know, sort of save it up in your palm. At what point when you were over there, were you ready for the United States at one point? You never really were, were you?

No, I'd still be out there. Yeah, you still be out there. Yeah, I was starting to have fun. I really, if I was a betting man, I didn't think you were going to come back to about June. Yeah. I was hoping you wouldn't come back to June. Even though I missed you, I knew where you were at, you know, in 1989, which I was in 1982, I was a young, since 83, I was a young kid. And those five years were just brutal.

And I never forget just getting in a car driving to Aspen. Yeah. And the first week, I just slept. until this day, I think of that unwinding at that time in my life. And I thought about what you were doing at the age of 40. One day you said, that's it. Yeah. That's it.

I don't want to take these cold more. Yeah. I don't want to take this cold more. I don't want to do these fucking emails. I don't want to take them on pictures. I understood exactly from every aspect. The more I thought about it, because what else was going on here was then Gabriel tapped out. What do you mean?

Gabriel called his agents one day. and said, I'm done. What do you mean? I'm not doing this no more. He took a four-month sabbatical. Just left. Just, no, he didn't leave. He just went, trained, and didn't talk to agencies or managers or nothing.

Canceled two or three tours. And now he just recently went back. He did a couple weekends. And he's doing a European tour. He's got no other day. I feel like if you ease your way back in, that's okay. It was funny. Because you left.

Think about some normal stuff. You left in my January. Oh, you felt up my. Dates? What's that? You filled up my dates? No, no, no.

No, no. It's funny because when you left, like, I went to work on the sixth. Yeah. Like, I did a one night with Steve Simone. What, January 6th? January 6th. Okay, yeah, I was gone.

And then that weekend, the following weekend I was home. And then for three weekends in a row, I worked, and I had to shoot a pilot for Animal Planet, and I'm getting calls about the numbers, and I'm getting calls about the podcast, and everybody's sending you fucking emails to give you scripts about the fucking podcast. And I mean, it was like three weeks from hell.

And I sat there for a minute and I go, you know, I understand where Ari's at now. I understand, you know, and it's really weird how in this life it's better to want than to have. It's sometimes you think about something. You don't think of how much work you're going to have to put into this. And it really fucking blows you away. Like how much shit you take for trying to do something good. Yeah, sometimes like, leave me alone for a minute. Just leave me alone for a minute.

Let me fucking get out something good. You know how those bloggers suck because they have to put out something every single week? Instead of waiting until something they really actually care about. Yeah, you're going to be that. It just gets so, and I'm not whining here, and I'm not saying, but this happens to everybody in life. I'm just fortunate that Ari recognized it. They said, you know what?

Fuck all you motherfuckers. suck a dick, bitches, it's over. I'm not doing it. It's over. And a lot of people in regular lives, listen, you got some money put away. You know, you're thinking about your retirement, but life gets hectic sometimes. What are you going to do? Wait, do you have a heart attack.

You know what? Yeah, why not? Get out and see the fucking world. And see the world. That's why you work. Yeah. That's why you do all the shit that you do. You think if I had a passport?

Get out. If I had a passport, I would take a trip every 90 days with my wife. In my job. Dude, you see these old people out there? Oh, yeah. The old couples that are going out there and then a tour going from thing to thing. But they're like 75 and it's like they're not going to really have a good time. They're just going to see it and go home.

They're not going to go to some fucking party somewhere. Well, just think about it. Any day, like I say on stage, any day after 50, you know, when you're fucking 50, you might die any day. Oh, Jesus. You know what I'm saying? That's the truth. That's a reality. Yeah.

You hit 50, whippy, everybody goes home. you take your birthday gifts upstairs. It's the way down. And then five years, you're getting a discount of Denny's. At 55, next year I got a discount of Denny's. That's it. It's over. And then I got 10 more years of work after that, and then whatever.

You start next year you get an old prison discount? I get a discount of Denny's. Not only that. I can also apply for my pension from SAG. Really? I could get a fucking early pension. Are you going to? Fuck, no.

No, why? Because you never know. What could happen? What if fucking, you get a show and you need to, for your uncle to be on there? There I am. So what you were not? They forced you to retire? No.

You can't get a pension and then go back in the game? Well, maybe, but why take it? Why take it? Leave it in there. I don't need it right now. Oh, I get it. What am I going to get? Two grand?

No, no, it's good. It's good. I can steal two grand. You know what I'm saying? I can steal two grand. Yeah, don't see that. You know, no, you know what I'm saying? Two grand, $2,200.

I think Social Security. What does it go up? Does it go up? Yeah, it goes up over the years. Oh, yeah, yeah. You book a big movie or something. You get a couple extra points, plus you get social security, plus I get after it. What's after going to get me?

They combine now. They combine now. I know, but what are they going to get me? $3.50 a month? Maybe. You know, it all adds up. It all adds up. It all adds up when you're 65.

Do the fucking carpet layers union? I'm going to be broke like everybody else, 65. You know what I'm saying? Then SAG has a house right up here. Remember that? They used to have old age home? Yeah. Right in the...

Of old actors? Yeah. You didn't know that? No. Wooden Hills. You can go to the doctrine of Willen Hills. Old alone actors? Yeah, right now, go to SAG, and they have locations.

And there's a location up here somewhere. Up here, right up in the valley, where you go, they have every movie, every maid. And they just put themselves in that? They have a health center. Oh. A gym, like heated pool, steam bags, the whole fucking thing. And then they have a village there. And it's for older, Saturday.

members who have no family and they feed you. They have a doctor on staff up there. Every night you can meet and watch movies. Different old people that are there that actors talk about experiences they had. It's pretty fucking cool. But it costs some money, Jack.

It comes out of their stuff. They wanted to be sent over attention. And you have to put yourself on a list. What do you mean? Like when they were actors, they were all about like, look at me. you know fees are based solely on the ability to pay so you like it's expensive for rich people but I think

yeah where is it at woolen hills yeah well they're based on the ability fucking beautiful if you don't have much money yeah I think that's what I mean I've when I was signing up woodland hills that's pretty close I was signing up to be in the editors union right before I went did this full time and they said big shift in your life and they said that they had so it wasn't a house but they like there's a fund for like people in Hollywood who go in time. Like, you have to apply to it. Really? Yeah. I guess it's kind of cool.

Yeah, they steal that fun. Don't believe that. That fun, don't do dick for you. To get that fun, you got to do 18 hours of paperwork. They want paperwork from the old country, Israel. Forget it. But the time you get to check, you'll fucking be dead. They send me those things every year.

Donate to the actors fund. I ain't donating dick, because I know you're not going to help no fucking actors. If you get a check, if you let's check, listen, If you get a residual check, Lee, you ready for this one? Sit on tight, Lee. You ready? I'm sorry.

If you get a residual check. Okay. Right? And let's say you have a family of three. And it's a check for like $2,000 and you don't get it within 30 days. Guess how long? First off, let's say for a fact, SAG sent it June 13th, which is tomorrow morning. It should get to your house by Thursday, correct?

If they send it from Wilshire Boulevard. Sure. Now, if you call SAG. in 10 days and go, listen. I haven't got to yet. You guys sent me a check. You know what they tell you? What?

You got to wait 30 days. Why? And then file a report for a claim. Guess how long it takes you to get your residual check? How long? Six months. Which is your money. It's your fucking money.

It takes that long. Six months to get that check. Yeah. That your family fucking needs. You got follow up on over and over and over. Follow up, call them, see if they got processed. They found your old check. One time they had to be a check.

a check for five months. They're a shit of union. One time they had a, they didn't, I was waiting for a check five months. Do you know I got a call one day out of the random and they go, hey man, we found the check for you here at SAG. It was returned. What check is in? They're like, it's for like $1,100.

I'll be there in three minutes. I cut everybody off on the way to woolshund. They were closing at five. It was like 20 to five. And they found that check that was missing. Really? That I put the fucking. Oh, they dropped behind something?

Like they did something. stupid with it. They said that they got it. You don't know how many times you'll call after has an account that you could go on there. You go to your after account and you could go and claim checks that you'll die. You'll die. You'll die.

You'll go, how come I never got this check? I live there when you sent it. And all of a sudden you look at the address and they send it to you at the comedy store. And you're like, why would you do something like? Like, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous when you go on that file. Go on it. Yeah.

Take some time, get high. Go to after and look for missing checks. Look, print up your name. They got three of your checks. Guarantee they got three of your checks for about $1,300. Really? That they could, that they've been sending checks to your address for 20 years. To your wrong address.

No, they've been sending you checks. Like, you still get checks from after. But for one reason or another, they got a fucking brain. fart on that day and sent it somewhere when you look at the ad and just go, I've never lived in fucking Ohio. Yeah. Like they do

fuck, so that's what I'm saying. When you go on there on the after page and SAG, they have checks that belong to you. Oh. That you don't get. That you don't get. It's like for people who don't know this, let's pretend that you went to college and They don't try to track you down or someone's...

No, why would they do that? Why would they want to fucking do that? Not only do you pay them union dudes. To help their union? Yeah, no, no, they don't do that. Like, I don't know if you know this Lee. Let's say you went to, but you're from Boston. Right.

But let's say, no, let's say during the summer you went to college and in the summers you worked at the movie theater and stuff like that. I guarantee, I guarantee that if you go to the state of Boston. Yeah. You have three checks on the state of Boston. I do. I have a check from a movie theater, a restaurant, and like an old bank now. It's crazy.

How much money are you? yours is out there right now. And this is all the listeners listening right now. What? You have no idea. I did not know this member. My wife is an accountant. My wife has come into the room a thousand times going, by the way, I found a check

for you for a thousand bucks from Warner Brothers. When you shot Analyze that, they sent it to the hotel where you were staying. No, no, no. It's ridiculous. Wow. You sit there and go. I've been with Athera since 1998 And in 2004

They sent a hotel to the Marriott A check to the Marriott Hotel in Manhattan How quickly do you... And you forget about it You don't know? Yeah How quickly do you get notice If you're late on your SAG dues though

Bro, they will shut you down No, no, they just won't let you shoot anything They don't do shit if you're not shoot anything You call station 12 Yeah And you find out because as soon as you shoot something They're like, oh hey, you got a call from SAG Like, oh fuck

No, no, no, no How much overdo am I? Like by the time you're doing the paperwork They'll call you and go, Lisa, I had great news. You've booked the McDonald's commercial. Congratulations. It's national, regional, computer, this, that. And all of a sudden, that's it.

And all of a sudden, about an hour later, like at a quarter of seven, you get that call. Lehigh, we just got off the phone with SAG, the production company. You're station 12. What's that? You can't shoot. You come up with $454. Yeah. I don't have $454.

dollars and they don't give a fuck now they do they finance you they do they're like I'll pay that ahead of schedule yeah you're about to make like a hundred yeah they must have lost their main their guy they wanted a few times but they're like why don't we just what's the deal

yeah let's just pay it it just upfront them that that money yeah they won't do it the production companies won't do it they're crazy I got my production company to pay for SAG for basketball really I never paid a dollar for SAG or after I got five

from Telemundo what did you do for Telemundo some Cuban show In 1998, I got there at nine, and I got fired at lunchtime. Oh, my God. When I was at lunchtime, I'm sitting in my car, and I got the call, I got the beep. I went to a pay phone, and my agent said, by the way, they said, not to go back, they'll pay you for the day. Really?

Yeah, it was that quick. You want me to tell you something? It was 1998, and they paid for my after. And about three years ago, I'm walking a circle around that park, North Hollywood Park. What were the, where the Moncton? are? By the way? Dina Pesag? No, no, no, right over here.

There's a North Hollywood Park. This is about three years ago. I'm walking with my wife. Right before my wife had mercy, me and her would walk when she was pregnant. And when they were walking, the Spanish guy from George Lopez's show, the one on ABC eight years ago,

ran up to me. He goes, do you remember me? And I go, yeah, yeah, you're from the Lopez show. He goes, no, no, no. He goes, I did a show with you on Telemundo that you got fired from. He goes, I never saw you after that, but I wanted to tell you, I had nothing to do with that. What?

I go, can I ask you something? What happened? He goes, they didn't like the style of Spanish that you spoke. It was nothing personal. You're a Cuban from New Jersey, and there was a Cuban from Miami, and the producers were Cubans from Miami. And he goes, I don't know exactly what you said, but I know that when you left, for lunch they were petrified. Like they were

they were by the book Cubans and the words I had used were a kind of savage Cuban words that like a street slang Cuban would use. Oh really? Yeah there's a

couple different types of Cubans that are people there's Cubans that are very decent people. I just say it like that's that animal was like I am. No, they're very decent, man. They weren't raised like I was. And years ago, 99, 2000, at the store, I was doing the belly room.

Stories from a Cuban street. And that day, I went for an audition. And some kid came up to me, we were talking. And also one thing left to another. Like, are you from Miami? Yeah. What's your name? Something Alvarez. Oh, shit, you're Cuban.

Yeah, we shook hands. Very nice. You know, I don't know. He goes, what are you doing? I'm a stand-up. He goes, do you have a show in time? I go, tonight, I got nine o'clock in the belly room. And we went outside and talked about Cuban food and shit.

Dog, they came to the belly room that night, him and his wife, on the way out there wouldn't even look at me. I never saw that kid again. He had my number and everything. Because he was like a decent fucking, you know, I was up there telling some fucking Cuban, gangster stories. These people don't need that aggravation.

Now, did you just go to Asian countries? Oh, fuck. What? Yeah, no, Southeast Asia. I stayed around there just in that region. No Australia, no New Zealand, no England. I was thinking I started in Sri Lanka, but I didn't. Started in Myanmar.

And then I just went sort of like east. Now, had you ever been there before? No, I had been to Thailand before. And so then I went to northern Thailand. I was going to go to Laos because I heard from some guy in Myanmar that this cool, like, boat you can take in Laos down like the, river all the way it's like a two-day slow boat people trade fucking booze

and have a good time I don't know make friends and then you get to like some city Pentien something like that Bang Vang something like that and then uh yeah so I was headed there went to northern Thailand and I got distracted there went to more northern Thailand for a while and then said fuck it I'm not going to go to Laos

What was the best food? Man Vietnam was real good I like Cambodian food too Thailand has really good food though but you've had it before that's a thing but some of that Cambodian food that Lodok man you gotta get some of that that's all this chopped up beef like real

fucking sauteed and shit over rice did you have to get any shots to go into any countries yeah like most of them really yeah a bunch rabies shot rabies shot which is a rip because all it gets you

you gotta take three of them which by the way here they're 300 bucks each if you go to another country 50 bucks I got the first two here You have to space them out And then I was going to be there for the third one Fifty bucks

Show them what it is Yeah yeah Everything's cheaper there for drugs Everything's cheaper Oh my God And how many more shots did you have to take Just the three rabies Three rabies

But the rabies only gets you So after you get bit by some fucking wild dog You still gotta go get a bunch of rabies shots It just buys you extra days So that means like if you get the rabies shots You have four days to go to the hospital And if you don't then you have a one day to go to the hospital.

But you just fucking go to the hospital. Oh, God, Almighty. There are no villages. Oh, God, oh, God, away. Or if you are, you just fucking go. And you get to the hospital in a day, you can get anywhere in a day to a hospital. And I've been by a fucking bunch of,

and they'll just start shooting you up. You're fine. I'm just saying it's a rip-off fucking thing. So where? You don't need to get, but I got some other shit, too. Now, when you go to immigration and time you're going to AmeriMaur, when do you start giving you shots?

Right there, immigration? No, no. When? No, I went to a travel doctor beforehand. And they give me the shots. And then they look ahead of where you're going to be. And they go like, yeah, there's a malaria risk here. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

They found me like that clinic in Myanmar. So I was going to be. And then I emailed her. I took her email address. That was one of the only ones. Took it with me. emailed her. Said, hey, I'm in a new place.

So can you find me another place that I can get that? that shot and that she did so how many shots all together to be fucking james bond and go around the world fuck you that's probably like probably like five six five or six which one hurt the most that one they get you in the side of the arm you know what's that one is that tetanus i don't know is that is that malaria no they don't have malaria i don't think i've had it josh that's vd that maybe it's yeah oh you should see how small those condoms are out there they got small condoms are out there they got small They're so small. They're unusable.

They're unusable. So why don't you just cut them in half them glue them together? Why don't know? Like crazy gluing together. Then Scott's tape your dick and double join it with fucking with, uh,

with, uh, you gotta be creative when you're a freak dog. I've been in those positions late night where you got like those little midget dick condoms. Yeah. You just get a scissor. You hope she's got crazy glue for her nails in her purse.

You start gluing those condoms together. They're a little rough, but you just give her little stashers. You put the rough in on the inside because you're a gentleman. You know what I'm saying? So what you do is you get the scratching? Yeah, listen to what you do. I'm not fucking with you.

Oh, no, I don't think you are. You take the glue, you cut it, and you fold this together, so nobody gets their feelings hurt. You put the glue right down, pop, and then around your dick, you put a little duct tape. Is that right? So this ends? Yeah. See that, see that free, like, when I was, when I was 21, 22, 23 and he used condoms.

I was even scared that. Like, I didn't really believe in condoms. Like, after 85, everybody had the condom scare. I didn't really believe in condoms. What do you mean? You didn't duct tape your dick shot. Huh? You didn't duct tape your dick shot.

Look, at 4 in the morning when you're coked up and you're getting dead dick, you're only way to keep that condom on is to duct tape it onto your dick. And even if it shrinks up, you're still giving her a stab and it's in there flapping. But what are you going to do? You know, dog, I used to be a fucking. Fucking freak. A freak. Disgusting.

So you got to cover yourself, but I never believe. Doc tape? At the tip, at the end over here, by the shaft. Because I don't like the feeling of her liquid on my little circle for some reason. It always creeps me out. What's your circle? On the top circle? Like, let's say you have a woman on top of here, right?

All right. So you have a condom on. That's great. But what about that area around your nutsack? That juice from her monkey goes down to your. nuts sacking around and after you have sex it just feels like you sweat but you didn't yeah and sometimes it is sweat but it's like pussy it's a mixture yeah it's like you off the mat always gives me the creeps like you gotta have that foot fungus stuff around and going a hot shower

I don't know why so that's why like the only time I had the only time I had sex with a prostitute was oh that I was in high school when I went to the 1040 club and what the most disgusting thing that I can remember about her was her bouncing up and down and I kept going. I could hear like the but I could also feel like whatever was coming out of her vagina

rubbing around my helmet like developing and I kept thinking about her dirty ass. You weren't wearing a condom? No, you have to wear a condom. She puts it on for you and everything. I was just disgusted and that's what I was disgusted about. Like I don't want just a condom. So then how do you not get

that. You duct tape from where to where down to like your mid thigh. Like your nuts sack, around your nutsack. You're protection. Like I want to invent something that's like a condom, but something also to protect your nuts all the way to your thigh. Yeah, something leather on the end of it. Something like those glasses that

have the connectors to the side. Yeah, not leather. Something completely different where you can scotch tape it. It's got tapes to the inside by yourself. Oh, you don't want to lose around your balls? I don't want no fluid on none of my body. But that's the best. None of your body. But if You know her.

If you know her, yeah. If you grew up with it and she banged some of your friends, I get it. But if you're just meeting a girl at a bar on Tinder, no fluids. You have no fluids. You don't know where she's been and she don't know where you've been. Yeah. But isn't it the most, like balls are the most important part? Like, balls are not the most important part.

Not the first thing, okay? I'm going to say they are. I wash before I go in the shower. I'll wash. I would never show up to some of these others and go, hello, with 10-hour disgusting body parts. Yeah. And I'm a fat dude. That's why people hook up in New York in the summertime.

No, no, no, no. You have to take a... Anybody who I hooked up with it even early on you, I would always coax them into the shower. You gotta take a shower in my house before I eat that ass. For me to feel comfortable and relaxed, unless you just went from your house and you were showered when I picked you up. Like, if I picked you up and I smelled the shampoo in your hair,

and then we went to eat, and we went back to my house and I ate your monkey, we're all right. Yeah. But if I'm picking you up from a full day of work, no, you got to get in the shower. I would coax you into the shower. I would coax you into the shower. Let's do a line of blow and put them in your pussy and eat in the shower. I want you to pee on me. You got to tell them some story to get you in the shower.

Right or wrong? I don't fucking know. No, that makes sense, I guess. Especially when you go across the world. You got to go up steps? You got to go back? I couldn't imagine going to, I love Asian women, but I can't imagine going all the way around the world of China.

Yeah. And sleeping with a woman without, like, full protection. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, but that means just condom. Because her little, no, full protection. I want full protection. What? There's no full protection. I don't want that juice squirting.

A rash guard. Yeah, like a rash guard, something. I need something. I can't sleep at night. That creeps me on. So you want some, like maybe a wetsuit with a dick hole in it. And then you could cover that up. The bottom to be like a bikini.

Yeah. With a condom. Yeah. Like a bikini with something you put your dick in. Maybe it's just throw it away. The whisk away. Yeah, the whole thing. Like I'm too.

Yeah. I get really fucking. I have really fucking. I can't, you want me to the only way to describe my skin? Yeah. Faggy. Since I'm a fucking kid, I have faggy skin. My skin is weak.

How I haven't died is beyond me because when I was a kid, let me tell you so. I went to Florida one time and I was forced to wear, I was from the time of my baby, I had a when you went to my house today, you looked at my spirit altar. No, you can't tell. You have to go to a living room. Yeah, I saw you. There's a picture of me in the living room. living room.

Yeah. If you walk up to it, you go, Joey, what happened to your hair? Oh, because when it was like the fucking... What else was impersonator hair? I was three. First of all, when I was three, my hair was red. Really? Red, completely different guys.

You would die. You guys would both go, what the fuck happened? Like an Irish kid? Like, it was crazy. Really? I remember my mom had a lock of hair. They used to go, whose hair is this? And she goes, that's your hair.

When did it's a man? Like when I was about six Did you get a fright? A what? A fright? A fright? It turns her hair black. You know, maybe I got hit in the head with that flashlight when I was six and got stitches. Really?

Maybe the blow changed the color of your hair? No, no. Who knows what could I happen? But I had, like, I went to Florida one time and had to get rushed to the hospital in Florida because the skin on my arms, the sun. Burnt like first what's the worst skin burn you could have third degree first degree so it was like no no the lightest one like guys It was blistered and I had patches like I got burnt with acid on my arms really like I had You're too until I was about 10 if you saw me in cuban I had scars on both arms over here from the hole that the sun had burnt in my arms in Miami when I was about eight I went to karate and one day my mother goes you have to take a

shower karate and I'll pick you up from there. I got a fungus on my feet when I was eight that had to get taken to the hospital because it was pussing. So by the time I was like 10, I was allowed to take showers and nobody's house. Really? Couldn't go to swimming pools. Why? Because your skin be falling? Because my feet, my feet would get, I was the type of guy that would get a rash. Oh, Joey? Yeah,

no, no, it's not my part. No, no, it wasn't my skin was just fucking weak. Rashes fucking itches, ringworm when I was 12. No way. Yeah, man, I was one of those fucking kids. Even though I bathed, I had to put a special cream on every day. And then once I started doing drugs, my skin tightened up. And here we are.

Something happened. No, I got to. Why do you think I got the fungi toe? Why do you think my feet look like they've been run over by a fucking truck? because my skin, I can't really take showers at places. I got to have the flip-flops on it. Really? Even then.

You don't want to do it? No, even then I get something on my feet. Like when I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I have to bring those things. You know, the soap? I get the towelettes. I get the whole package. If you went down on a girl, would you do it through like a shower curtain kind of thing? No, you know I love you and I can't lie to you.

Yeah. When I eat pussy, I got to eat it. I can't tell you. You want you to have a shield or nothing. I want all the minerals. If it's got something in it, I want a blister on my lip. You know what I'm saying? If you don't get a blister on your lip, you ain't shit anyway.

That pussy ain't worse eating. If you don't get like a blister under your tongue, you get a little blister under your tongue. You get a little blister under your tongue from eating that monkey for like an hour? No, I guess I haven't been doing it. That's the problem. That's why. Eat another star. It's time for a star.

Don't know. Nothing's happening to you so far. Put the siren. Put the siren. on Lee, show the irony. This time for the siren, Lee. What's the siren? It's that time.

Look. Jesus. It's that time. Where's Tony Bennett? Cogsucker. That's hilarious. I want to be around. To pick up the pieces

When Somebody breaks your heart What's the story? You're going to eat that star? You're going to stare at. What is the story? Look, he tried to pull a dummy on me. He had to fucking...

He's still a lot of thin in your hand. Not a lot of getting in your throat. You may as well let it be letting it dissolve. You don't have to chew it yet, but there you go. There you go. It's just a regular Sunday night here on the church, ladies and gentlemen. Look at him, look at him. He's about to spit up.

Is it too much sugar? No, I don't know. It's seven calories apiece. Seven calories. I'm sure what? He ate 100 calories. It's like you eat a bag of little chips always. Let me give some shout out to 100 calorie bags.

Tomaslin Spaggy, James Kennedy, Brad Ebert. Meg, my little Asian princess, Locomotive, J. Mack, Arthur Cases, 1971 Capital, and my main man, Derek Nielsen. Do not forget, I'll be at the Ice House Thursday night, working out with Uncle Joey, 10 bucks. You're in at 8.30, out of there by 10, and we all have a couple fucking yuck-yuks,

and you start the week off on a good tip-top toe Magoo. And the following week, Friday and Saturdays, Four shows, Levy Town, oh shit, governors. There you have it, cocksuckers. Let me give you the other side of the coin now. Yeah.

I'll tell you what, man. First of all, I miss you. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Of what a coin? Oh, you're okay. I know what you're talking about. The other side of the coin. First of all, yeah.

I missed you. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I really missed you. I wrote your letter. You know, no, no, no. It's funny because I told you write me a letter right away, but while you were gone, I said that's very selfish of me

because I know what he's going through. You know, taking time away from your life is the same. It's like me putting you in imprisoning Camden, New Jersey. You didn't do anything. You were just free, but you got away from this circle. You disconnected yourself, which is fucking tougher than death. You know, I know later on they found a hidden secret email. I mean, and all that shit, which I could care less.

I didn't want to bother you by no means. by no means. I was concerned about your parents. If something would happen, you'd be gone, how bad you felt. But they had a way to get a hold of you. I sent them flowers one night, one day. You were checking in with them.

I know you have your own little way. But I know you wanted to clear your head. So I could tell us. I said, a prayer for you. I lit candles for you. You're out there. I thought you were getting your dick sucked. Did you want to go out there?

Did you want to do something like that? Me? Yeah. When you heard that I was gone, where you're like, yeah, I would like to go somewhere? No, I was worried about you. And I felt like De Niro and Dea Hunter. Eventually, if something bad happened, I'd have to go over there and get you.

I didn't want you to end up. It was weird. About a week after you left, I'm watching TV one night, and it's Deer Hunter. It's about his, what's his name, he goes to Vietnam, and he kind of loses it. And while he's there, he starts playing Russian roulette. Oh, yeah. And he fucking gets good at it. He's like one of the best in Vietnam or whatever the fuck he is,

and De Niro comes to get him one day. You never saw it? No, I never saw Deerun. I got to say that, huh? De Niro Diahunter scene from my man Ari Shafir. Listen to me, I was so high on stars. Like, it was right before, you know, I gave up stars for Lent. Did you know that?

No. I gave up stars. How long is Lent? 40 days? Yeah, 40 days. Yeah, is that what it is? Yeah, I was maybe a couple days before that. But what I did was, I also, like, I went home when I thought about you, because

I was watching this movie, and in my head, I'm like, I'm going to have to get a passport and go over there and get him. He's going to end up like, fucking this. Christopher Walker. It was so safe, man. No, I know you were safe. But the funny thing was... I know, I know.

That's what everybody said. Like, what if something happens to you? But I'm like, what do you mean? You know, like, Joe asked about you. I spoke to Duncan about you. You know, Tripoli asked. Yeah. Tebow asked.

You know, it was weird. I felt that. The other people asking, I mean, I know what's his name loves you and all that. Go ahead, show this motherfucker. Let me see that. I can't believe you've never seen this shit. This is what I was worried about, Ari. Is this one where the nurses behind them?

No, no. What's this shit? This is you. And this is Uncle Joey going to get you. Oh, he's another big actor. They got him out of here. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. shows of games.

Wow. I think of it. Bye on. Bye on. That looks tremendous. They've done some great work. Look at this. Look at this.

This is brutal. Oh, wait, wait on. Who's the other guy? He's just some new guy? No, that's what's... That's Christopher Walkin' dog. That's you. And is he new?

That's Ari. Is he new to the thing? No, he's going to get him. Vietnam De Niro. What's this? What's all this shit? I'm gonna will a salad here. You got an empty chamber and I've got. Put an empty chamber and I've gun. Look at this shit.

You imagine this shit, Ari? Oh my gosh. It's gonna be all right, Nikki. Go ahead. Shoot. Look at this shit. Fuck you, motherfucker. They run. You're going to die, Ari. This is it. This is real. Go ahead, Nikki. Go ahead. Just do it. These two guys grew up together.

Oh, my God. And they both went to Vietnam together. And he stayed. Pinero goes home and goes back together. This is brilliant, God. There's one of the greatest movies to come out of the 70s. This is one of the greatest movies. Oh, my God.

This one they had an original idea. Look at this shit, though. They're not fucking around here. Come on. How did it get so many bullets in there? This is when movies with movies,

go. This is what movies are kids. This is real. This is another one. You need four fucking hours of your time. Oh,

God. This is another... How did you get so many bullets in there? What do you mean? The one he was going to shoot himself with. He got like four shots of there. No, he knew. I think he knew that he had one bullet.

He knew it was in there, so he shot one guy. And one shot and then created havoc and went for it. Fucking tremendous movie. It was on that night, and I was thinking about you. What night? Oh. I'm like, it's fucking Ari over there playing something.

Russian roulette with a bunch of Chinese people. I didn't know where the fuck you were. I don't know that. I know China. I know Hong Kong. I know fucking Laos. I was in those places where they did that stuff. Where in those places?

Yeah, like, you know. They showed you? No, no, but like those areas, you know, they just don't do it anymore. Did you see the girl sucky-sucky? Any of those girls? the last time i i steer clear at bangkok it's gross it's the worst city

it's just filthy there's little kids working at like 2 a m Bangkok is disgusting it's good for like one or two days to see it and then just never go back all the fucking sex tourism is like so in your face

that's what i have the kids chicks last night that's where they have kids and everything yeah you can buy kids yeah absolutely it's just too much and they're all dirty the children. And there's loose dogs about. If you would have stayed, where else would you have gone?

Oh, okay. Well, for sure the Philippines. For sure? Yeah. I mean, it was right there. I ran out of time. I would have for sure gone. Probably next. Have you been there before? No. Didn't you go to kickboxing or something?

What? That's Thailand. I went to watch kickboxing in Thailand. Thai, Thai boxing. Did you? Yeah, it was pretty cool. They played this weird instrument. Yeah, yeah.

All right. Did you gamble? Not this time. No, the time before I did, though, they would walk through. I guess this one was too nice a place. No. You know, I did gamble on? Cockfighting.

Where? Timor Leste. What is that? East Timor. It's the fucking end of Indonesia. If you keep going around Indonesia, it's like one of these islands is split in half, like New Guinea and, you know, right in the middle. And so West Timor is part of Indonesia and then Timor Lestay, which means East Timor, I guess.

Cocaine, heroin. Anybody come up to you? No. Itchy, itchy pills. No. Ice. Nothing, nothing. Nobody came up to you with nothing exotic the whole time.

America, come here. We have sucky, sucky pill, nothing? No. No, not once, really. That is crazy. That is crazy. Not once. I mean, I got some stuff, but nothing like crazy.

Yeah. Everybody's on a fucking budget in hostels. They don't have much, like, which is good. Time for, like, drugs. You said in your letter that the hostels. I did something to you. Like, staying at the hostels.

Yeah. It was just so nice. You just make friends with people. You just, like, lose your line of what you're, like, accept and not accept it. Just go down so fast. You realize, like, who gives the fuck? It's a bed. It's fine.

It's fine. It's fine. I have earplugs. It's okay. Just let me put my head down. People snore and fart. It happens sometimes. This German guy fucked up on it.

I hadn't fucked for, like, a month, over a month. And some German guy just fucking giving it to a chick. the bunk bed above me and one over so I could like look at the fucking bed moving a mattress and an occasional knee oh I'm so fucking horny God it was the worst

but generally it's not that generally everyone's just polite and I had some fucking Chinese they're the worst at any point when you're in the fucking hospital you're like I don't need this shit I can stay at the four seasons I know I could

I know I could but then I know I'd just be short changing myself but I would do it when I was like so if I'm in a city for a few days it's like I gotta meet people This is when you fucking meet people. Yeah. But if I go through for one day, let's say I take a long bus to get to like an airport city and I get in at like 7 p.m. 8 p.m. or whatever.

You know, and then my flight leaves the next day at like 10 or 11, then it's like, I'm not going to meet anybody or do anything. I'm just going to go to sleep. So it's like, fuck, it can be a hotel and a hot shower, you know? And then I'd fucking go to the airport and make friends the next place. What's your next trip going to be? Where do you want to go? I have an idea.

I don't want to get into it yet, but I have an idea. Yeah, I got to learn a couple languages, too. I want to learn some languages. I learned a little Tatum in that last country I went to before I went. It made it easier. Now, can you do me a favor and drop a package off in Cuba for? People are going to Cuba now. Yeah, you might as well go.

Can you go? No, you could go and do a show. I could book a show for you at my cousin's bar. Wait, but you would want to go. At this point, I'd do and see my sister and give her a hug. Yeah, man. This passport thing is getting out of control. This attorney call- You can't get it?

It's open now. He said that the thing is fucking so buried that the clerk said that she doesn't think the judge will look at it. What? Because you have no passport? No, no, no. This is a company. Yeah, because I have no passport. But this is a, I'm trying to get this warrant squashed.

And it's just bureaucracy. It just takes time. And every time I got to send a thousand bucks PayPal. So it's, it's, uh, you can't get a passport if you have outstanding warrant. I'll go right to Wilshire Boulevard. I'll pay the 279 for a rush job and if you don't believe me I will take

JetBlue like a motherfucker straight to Louisiana. I walk in my factory to my cousin's fucking bar I'll drink on the arm and I will call Justin from the factory and go get such and such on the phone I'm shooting a special here in 90s.

Yeah, make it happen. Yeah, for sure you should. In Spanish? In Cuba? No. I would shoot in English on a Saturday night when the Americans are down there for the weekend. Yeah. And guess what? I'll give a date where all church people

could go down the fuck on the van. You're going to go down anywhere. You might as well go down the same for special. Do it now. Oh, that's great. And by the way, before I say anything else, listen, man, like I told you guys for years that, I don't know, I'm not like regular people.

I hate the word fans. This is a family. We talk shit. We learn from one another. You guys email me. The connection is made at the shows. We lost somebody really fucking cool. Really cool.

Mr. Lalingis out of Chicago, you know, my thoughts and the prayers of all the church people, please send them to Bob Lollingis. His dad passed today, and I love him to death. He's more than just a friend. He's like family. He came to the special and everything. Great family.

I just want to extend my love to your family, Mr. Lollingus. Rest and peace. Sorry about that But he's a good dude So I just wanted to How do you go Huh How do you go?

Just some lung issues He was older So you're lucky You still got your family Your parents Your brothers Yeah Where's your crazy brother

Did you bump into him Like in fucking Saigon Or something No I was thinking of it I took his email address I never emailed him I took his email address And said if I got done early

Maybe I'll go through there Go skiing with him And Swiss Alps He looked for it out there. But no, I didn't get done early. So I didn't see him. I know you... I'll see him in the next month.

I know you a long time, and I remember when you were the king of commercials. Yeah. I remember you and I... Talk to Lawrence the other day. No, you told me, I remember you and I having intense conversations at 4 in the morning

about people booking us and who helped us theatrically, and you had a stiff for a while. Ralphie's ex-guy. That's fucking moron. and I had a moron. It's just so weird how, you know, you wanted all these things, and you started, this is not happening in a fucking room

that didn't even serve booze. I told the Pink Floyd story, and Mark Maron and Steve Agee, you know, and all these things went in your direction. You went to Montreal, you taped a special, and all of a sudden, one day you wake up and you're like, you know what, man, this is a lot more than what I bargained for. I just wanted to crack jokes and be like, left alone you know what i wanted so many things for years yeah and we were the type of age i don't want

that fame i see some of those guys it seems so no no no no no no listen i don't ever want i always told that story about the box on your special on your this is not happening you know and it's so weird i mean that's nice that's a nice little you know side effect of it that no i really do believe that I'm a certain type of dude, and that's the type of person I am. And you know what, man, the thing that scares me is that you and I have seen people who came here from the beginning and were zeros. Yeah. And all of a sudden, they got a little money. And all of a sudden, everything changed around a bathtub.

You know, I don't know if they lost their drive, what they lost. Yeah, they lost their drive or something. Me, I like my ear in the fucking dungeon. I like my spirit from time to time. You got to go to the comedy store from the time and time. You got to go to the different comedy clubs And you know, you got to, if you're a real comedian If you were just a flash of a pan or somebody who did comedy

As a means to an end So you got a TV show Bam, we get it, no worries, but don't fucking go out on the weekends And take people's money and waste their time At least, you know, at least we're out there banging it out And I'm doing three and I took a few nights out here Yeah, but people have no idea how much effort goes into this And listen, you know, I remember 90, in 2000, fucking 98,

Joe Rogan took me to the Riviera to do the dirty show. Friday and Saturday, I got 200 full of the weekend for two shows. Horrible. And they gave me the cafeteria of the fucking menu. And the dungeon. The dungeon. No, the Riviera dungeon. Oh, my God.

Horrific. Hurry up and wait. And if you wait until after 10 to eat, you can eat with the regular people. Oh, it was terrible. The dungeon was closed. The shows were great. They were packed, robering. And then sold them out.

Yeah. But the highlight of the weekend was the guitar player from Guns and Roses. Slash? And how I saw him on the Southwest flight with us. And I didn't say nothing. I saw him at the airport and I didn't say nothing. And then, bam, there is at the hotel doing a signing. I didn't say nothing.

And I went up to my room and I had no reefer. Rogan didn't smoke then. So they called Jungany Reefer. I was like on my own. I couldn't sleep. And they had pumped oxygen in the rooms, they said. That's why I couldn't sleep. So I went for a walk

And who was at the bar by himself with Slash? And I started talking to him, man And I go, hey man, you know, I don't want to bother him, but I'm a fan of yours, It's great. And we started talking about comedy Because I had met him, and I met Our Med's room years earlier.

He was there one night watching comedy, and he came by and said, you guys were all funny. You know, who gives a fuck? We were, like, doing comedy a couple of years. So I just reminded him, there was nobody around him. It wasn't like he had a chick with him. it was a perfect time

and we got no conversation about Axel and he goes, when are you the happiest? He goes, right now, he goes, you're broke, I go, fuck yeah. As we said to you? Yeah, he goes, he broke right now, what part of your comedy career? And I go broke. We both said to laugh and he goes,

but I guarantee someday when you do start making money you'll think back to this time and take out how good of the time you were having. Yeah. Because once you start involving attorneys, it becomes a business. A lot of people can't handle that business. I mean, he told me a fucking pretty good little speech. He talked about Axel.

He goes, that's why when you do work for free, later on when you get paid, you think about all that work you did for free that makes your life a lot easier. Yeah. It doesn't feel like... You can live on nothing. You've already lived on nothing.

You've already lived on nothing, so it doesn't feel like you're getting something for free. And all of a sudden, you want to become religious or whatever the fuck you want to become. That's part of the training of becoming like an independent artist. It's not to live broke for, like, Listen, man, we and I talk about some people read an article and they really believe it. Some people read their social media and they believe, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some people want to believe what they want to believe. So you're never going to change that, you know. It's just what the fuck it is. I'm just happy that you went, you came back, and here we are. You got your Netflix special. Yeah. We got July 21st.

July 18th. Yeah. July 18th. 19th? 18th. 18th? 18th? 18th.

We'll remind them July 18th. Yeah. We're in New York. Now, this is a double special. It's a twin special, yeah. And what's the first one? First one's called childhood. Okay.

Children, excuse me. First one is called children. This is what you hate for kids? Mostly for kids. Okay. Mercy aside. And what's the second one? No, no, no.

Let me tell you something. Yeah. That day with mercy, I could see your hatred for kids when you put it to the basketball net, which is hysterical. You just turned her over and put it to the hoop. She didn't know what to expect, but she loved it. She loved you to death. I can tell, this motherfucker I don't like kids. I've seen a bunch of people do things to kids.

Never have I seen a guy slam dunk a child. I like when she's jumping on the sofa and I just rip her legs out from under her mid-jump. It just slams a head back under the seat cushions. She doesn't give a fuck. And she keeps waiting like at the surfboard. And he just waits for the moment. If you know, it's a little more comfortable. Swipe down.

If you notice, she loves you to death. She loved it. She was picking your leg and grab it. Yeah. She's a savage. No, no, no. That's in her blood. That's over.

I noticed that a long time ago. She likes being tackled and all that shit, so I'm happy there. Stop. Give her the warrant, stuff. I'm happy there. Yeah. And what's the second? The other half's adulthood.

And that's like fucking stuff you get into when you're not like a, like, a dad and a husband. You know, to the other way. How old are you now? 43. No plans. I'm getting married. No plans on children. That's it. You're a free bird. I don't think so. I don't want it. I don't want it at all. I don't blame you.

Yeah. Listen, nobody wants you. But God has a different plan. Yeah, exactly. You follow me? That's the problem. That's why it's trouble. Nobody wants it. Nobody ever, I love these people. They always start thinking about it. As soon as they get pregnant. Let's consider it. Me and Lee and they're going to both get jobs and we're going to make a little fortune. After three years, we're going to start trying to have a child. Bitch. You might have three cocktails at that pizza place around the house.

Lee sticks in your cullo and there you go. You don't know when you're going to have a fucking kid. You really don't. You really don't. If you don't want a fucking kid, you got to wear a condom and a condom after that and you got to dump them after three weeks because they're going to start asking creepy questions. You know what I'm saying? Like, one are we going to start dating full time?

Because dating full time means one Saturday we hold hands and we both go down to the sanitarium and get blood test to see if we have the hiv. and if we both are clean, we look at each other and go, great. We go condomless, you know, and now you start with that. Start all over again. Yeah, now you start fucking. Then you get that kid problem. And you have that kid problem.

There she's on the pill. But you know what? The pill, when it's always you, for some reason, it works 99% of the time. Guess who's the 1%? Me, you know? You know? Everybody. Yeah, everybody in America.

And get some, knock somebody up one time. I did get somebody pregnant. She told me later. She didn't be later. She wasn't asked for anything. She goes like three years ago, I got pregnant because of the pill didn't work. I had to get an abortion. It was way after the fact.

I don't know what to say. You didn't give her flowers? No, I was like, do you want money for the... And she was like, no? That's so much. And I was like, what do you... That's so fucking embarrassing. I gave her a high five.

No, you didn't. Yeah, I was like, I don't know, good job. I mean, great. At least you trusted her. What if she had? I didn't trust her. I didn't even know about it for three years. I mean, yeah, she...

It was way harder for her. But I mean, like, good choice. For sure, the right choice. You want a bunget? Hell yes, man. All right, it's that time. You want the big meal? No, the big meal.

Not this little one. The little one kicks too hard. It's like little chili peppers. Yeah, let's do a fucking meal shot here. Lee, you ready for the meal? Not really, but sure. Why not? You got to do it now?

We got to get, fucking get it. Nine o'clock. Oh, we're good. We're good. Yeah, no, I don't want to get anybody pregnant. Lee, you want kids? I used to think, like, definitely for sure I did. Yeah.

That's what we're talking about, ladies and gentlemen. Now I'm not so sure. Really? Why not? Jesus. Honestly, just how expensive they are. Do you think your kid would come out high? Like, you would have it in his bloodstream so much? It's possible.

It's definitely a worry. It's possible. But, no, I mean... Lee, I'm so sorry. We're going to have to cut your boy's eyelids open. They seem to be closed, but that... Oh, no. No, no, no, he's just squirking.

Even before I moved out here, people always thought I was high. Really? Small eyelids, I guess. Yeah, I'm sure it's before or not now. Now that they know you, they know you're fucking high. We'll do a little one of these. How about that hour? He should feel.

Yeah, okay. Here you go, kill him. I'll light a feet. It's the moment on the church. What's happening now? He's on deck. You should be over there, like, stretching and shit. You're going to do a set tonight.

I should be over here. Jumping over the table. Oh, that sick mule of death right there. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That is fucking killer. You took it to the next level. Oh, my God, Ari.

That was a tremendous bonket. Lee, you're going to have to beat that one. I don't think I don't want to. No, you got no choice, Lee. You got to take the trouble. You guys are Jews and arms here. That was tremendous. Your heart stops.

You fucking, I'm telling you, this weed makes you lose kindness for like a minute. What is the worst, Ari? This weed or drinking your own pee? This weed is worse than throat. No. Lisa, yeah, you ready to go? I guess so. You go in between us, too?

What? You go before me and after me and before him? He doesn't turn on the podcast. You know what I'm going to give you a little earthquake wheat. No, thank you. Earthquake. Earthquake. The earthquake weed is good week.

Why is it called Earthquake weed? Because the comic gave it to you? We're saving it. No, we're not. Oh, earthquake weed. Oh, earthquake weed. We've never saved it. Joey, what was the best weeds you've ever had?

The third eye, for sure. The third eye was tremendous. What was the other one that was real good back then? There was so many. We're living right here. There's shit that I get that I don't even know what it is. And it sits in the back room. And then one morning I wake up and I look at it and I go, let me try it.

And I open it up and it's nice and dry and I smoke it. I don't know who gave it to me. I don't know why they gave it to me. I don't know how to get a hold of this person now. But that's what happens to me all the fucking time. I get such great fucking refo. and I let it sit for so long that it ferments, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah There you go, give this to your buddy And here's a lot of Lee, I'm so happy for you Lee's going to town tonight Lee's not fucking around With a frown Never down Lee saying, you ready to split a sugar cube?

No, I'm not splitting a... Why can't even get a full sugar cube? If you want a full sugar cube, yeah We got one. Might as well. Let's do it. No, no, no, no, no. We're not stupid.

I'm saying if I'm going to do. No, let's do it. Fuck, it's Sunday night. My fucking day is wide open. Let's do it. It's Sunday night. Live my life. What do you're going to do?

You only go, stay at home and play video games. I don't play video games. Give him the light. Where are you should feel? Let's do this shit. And keep it over him because if not he'll cheat. Breathe it in. You just take it as a big shot.

You get a chance at it. No, no. Keep, stay with him. Stay with him. Stay with him. Stay with him. Stay with him. Stay with him. Okay, pull it.

Pull it. Get there. Now get there. You're almost there. Get there, son. Get there. There you go. There you go.

He's a seven. You've earned it. No, that wasn't a good one. Look, that's a half a faggum. See? That was like the best kind of ever did. No. That was not very much at all.

He always does that. You breathe too slowly. You smoke half a half a bowl. He does it. Because you run out of breath before you run out of lung. Yeah, because you have to do another one now. Take it all in. He has to do another one now.

Give it. You're burning it too slow. I've been telling him he's got a super cent of him You don't believe me, give me that Let's get me how many long power levels Look at how much green there is I know Look at you don't eat your salad

No no no no You're not eating your salad Lee That's a problem Come in give me that So much green left Yeah he wants to fuck around Because it's you over this

I'm not fucking what are you doing Fucking around Fucking around You've done this to yourself Yeah you fucked up You just got a fucking You just got a really huge Breathe it all that hard

Clear that thing Oh my Jesus Here comes the torch of death here. Oh my gosh. Stay right there. Don't go nowhere. Stay right there. Don't go nowhere.

Stay right there. Don't go to your nose. Breathe out of your nose. Breathe out of your nose. Keep sucking. Keep sucking. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Now go. Go for broke. Go with the cock's sucker. Get there. Get there.

Almost. Almost. Almost. Go. Go. You're not close. You're not close. You're not close.

Let it go. Let it go. You're not close. You're not so much left. The other one I thought you could make. This one at some point, there's no way you're going to make it. Why do you have to... I thought you had it.

Everyone else smokes like two seconds and then then... Because you're not how to get you. You think you're playing. You play with people. You don't think I know. You do these little... See, look at that. Finish that.

You've got to be an anomaly. You got to finish that. Right there. I can't open my left eye right now. That's okay. Left eye leave. You got to get that smoke before. Hurry up, Leon, just pick up the valve.

That's it. No, don't do that to it because it stagnates. Stagnates, yeah. You can mold that way. Go ahead. Go ahead. Just suck it. Just hit it.

There you go. Don't throw up. Oh, my God, don't throw up. He cough like he was going to throw up. You cough like he was going to throw up. You still have something left. I'll just be honest, though. He's still swirling a bit.

He's a little. He's all right, man. That's cool, but. He's going to super set. There he goes. He's fine. Oh, my gosh. Are you going to throw up?

Not yet. Oh, you look like you're about to. Have you thought up on this podcast before? Yes. Oh, my gosh. One time, but no, we did ask. Oh, my gosh. Right after.

Chocolate mushrooms and shit. No way. I'm Dean Doreen, Ray and Rane Balladio. Yeah, we've gotten. Wow. He didn't know what he was. He kept thinking, he kept saying he didn't want to go to hospital. His eye was stuck.

But you know what? He's tough for the most motherfuckers. What's his name ran out of here to know-ho Park and walked around and hit the tree? Oh, and Benjamin. He had him. He's like, Rambo. He saw the light of day. Listen, what's the moon left here?

How to go to the hospital? We've had some fucking casualties here. But listen, it's all in good fun. Who left here and had to go to the hospital? Ada. Ada left here, went home. She had to go to the hospital. Rodriguez?

Yeah, and in the morning she told the doctor, he goes, man, I've never done that before. The doctor goes, sure you haven't. He walked out of the room. You know, it was funny with her. She was the best because she had done like a half a bong hit and we were having a great conversation

and me and him were eating stars fucking around like I you know I taught them the whole night and we're back and forth and finally she looked me straight in the face and I said can I have one? And I go yeah she reached out, took it ate it and then fucking we kept talking here for a couple

minutes and next thing you know Ari I could see her switching gears no way like I saw it dog listen I like fucking around. Like, I like having a good time. There's some people who can handle certain things because they've done them before.

Like, I don't get mad kamikaze. You've been there before, and I don't get mad kamikaze. But you can't kamikaze, like, somebody who doesn't get mad at. What does kamikaze mean? Like, give somebody 1,200 milligrams when they don't get high. Like, if somebody gets high and you do acid, and you do mushrooms, and you know what?

Who gets a fuck? Give them 300. Rock his world. Nothing's going to happen to you. What's her name, Cat. What's the name? Kate Congett. Quigley?

No. Condit. Kim Condit was saying that. She goes, you gave a star to somebody one night. Somebody gave it to me. And she goes, I had two beers and I ate the star. And she goes, I was walking down the hallway at the comedy store. And she goes, I never felt nothing like that in my life before, Joey.

I had heard through the grape line. People had called me up and said, hey, man. Did you give Kim Condom a star last? And I go, no. I saw her at the store. And they go, man, she was fucked up on one of your stars. So I bumped into her the other night, and she told me the fucking story or what happened to it. I felt terrible.

What did she do that night? You know, there's one thing. Did you sit in the front barred and just like put her head down? I wasn't there. I left. I went home. And the next day I heard stories. And then Red Man said, yeah, she ate one of your stars.

She was squinting when she talked to people. she could only see out of one eye. I don't mind Kamikaze and motherfuckers, but not somebody who doesn't get high. That's not right. Yeah. That's not right. Yeah.

Well, you didn't try to. But yeah. So if you disappear again, you're going to disconnect all fucking avenues again? Yeah, disconnect everything. That's the way to do it. Disconnect everything. That's the way to do it sometimes.

People, you know, man, sometimes life moves a little faster than what you want it. And nobody, nobody ever has the balls. Most people go, how can I take a break? I've worked my whole life to get here. They're like, what if you miss something? What are you going to miss? What are you going to miss?

Just say, I'll do it later, or then I'm not here to get someone else. It's crazy, the strength you had, because I know I can never do it. Like, especially now when a child. Yeah. You know, eight years ago, when it was just me and Terry right now at this point in my life, January, how I felt. Yeah. I could see myself going to Cuba and renting a house for six months.

That'd be fun to Learning how to speak Spanish All over again And going to where they buried My father And going to where they buried My grandmother And my grandfather

And taking lead out For a few weeks And putting it on tape And going to my Cousins Bar on the weekend And just do comedy They're Friday and Saturday And host the open mic

If they have one Or whatever You know, just fucking Like I said On the weekends There's so many tourists From all over That go down there

that you can do con. I know that on Fridays and Saturdays for sure my cousin has a DJ down there every Friday. Somebody popular. Like Bismarkey or something. They go down there on Fridays and Saturdays. What's his name was in there?

You know, the man with the chick. What's her, Beyonce? JZ. Jay Z. Yeah, they all go down there. And what really, I like fucking with people. I like fucking with people. people. So nobody started really asking questions about you until the end of January.

Oh, really? Oh, okay. And by the end of January for like three days, I was like, uh, you know, didn't write me a letter. And I just said to myself, I know what, man, he had so much on his mind. God knows what the fuck he's doing. I just hope God's watching him or whatever. And my wife said, you got some crazy letter there. And I looked like it was you. And I didn't read it. right away. Really? No, I put it in my office

and I read it that night. Oh, nice. When I was more relaxed and I smiled and the next day, I called Justin and I told him, and then I told him,

I called Eric and I told him the instructions you had on there. Oh, yeah. And it was funny for days after that, I kept getting calls and,

you know, like they were really, they wanted to know, blah, blah, blah, and I don't know if it was concerned. It was just really weird.

weird, you know. Then I didn't hear nothing for a while. And then one day I went to the store and they pulled me aside and they go, Ari was spotted on Facebook. It was like you had become the guy from Boston. What's his name? Whitey Bullger? Whitey Bulger.

It's like he became Whitey Bulger. You know, my phone lit up the next day. Everybody was hitting me. He came up on Facebook. He looks well. What the fuck do you know, Ari? He looks well. You know what I'm saying?

You mean like not in a torture server? Yeah, yeah. Like, he looks well. Chains around my wrists. I couldn't find that I didn't even bother looking for it. You got tagged by somebody hiking or something. And then about another two weeks later, there was a siding again. You were like, Hannibal Lecter.

There was a siding in Vienna or some shit. You know, oh, they were fucking. And then you sent somebody else a letter. And now that really drove him crazy. And in the letter, you mentioned you didn't know of you were going to come home for some festival. Oh, my God. All of a sudden, three of my friends. phones rang at the same time. Managers, agents, producers, do you know if Ari's coming back for

the festival in Nashville? Hilarious. You had him on the ropes for a couple of weeks. So they were fucking petrified. So I would get smoke signals on a daily. Have you heard from Ari? Is he going to go to Nashville? And I'd say, listen, if he doesn't go, are you guys in shock? I was begging for you not to come back. If you would have called me and said, what do you think? I would have said, don't come. Take the under. Stay another month.

Don't come back because I was fucking with them over here. You had them in shock. So what happened was you pick up, you abandon shit, and all of a sudden Gabriel Lacey's, like the number four guy and CA comes in and goes, I'm quitting. But now they're all concerned. Everybody's quitting, right?

I'm surprised he didn't start negotiating on Ari's behalf for like the gig for like he needs 10 more percent I could fucking I could have Gabriel was like fuck that yeah let me get out of here If this was 10 years ago

Let them all fall If this was 12 years ago I could have Put together a plan Where they would have given me money And I could have wired it Yeah that's what I'd say Like listen Ari needs 10,000 to come back

You can't spend all Oh, yeah. I gave it to him. You know how he's been? He didn't show. No, no, no, no. Would I see any of it? Oh, sure.

I could start tormenting them. I would start tormenting them at the beginning of February about the festival in Nashville. And I would start, like, hitting them up everything. I got an email from Mari. What did it say? It said that he's doing the festival. Okay, good. We'll start booking it.

And then I would call him the next day and go, listen, I got an email from Mari. He doesn't look good. He's going to go there. Bangkok and he wants to join wrestling school. So he's not going to make it to Nashville. I would just do that for a month until like March can't tap into his bank account.

He doesn't want nobody to know where he's at. But send me $2,500. I could have got them every two weeks for $25,000. That's how desperate. Ari will come back. You could have got him for a little piece of time. Oh yeah. A little piece of time. Oh, they tracked down the first money. Okay. They can get it through. But they had to go through in another hoop.

just a little bit more. Yeah, no, no, no. You can say whatever the fuck you want to. It was crazy. That's how crazy you were driving them. They were waking up every morning. Oh, they never came back. No, if you would have hit me up on an email and said,

what do you think? I would have said, stay there another month. But send them an email every day and tell them you're coming. Like, fuck with them. And the day of, before the festival, hit him up and go, my plane guy shot down in Bangaloy. see you guys next month. Just make up a name.

They would have never known. For sure, I'll be back from Montreal. Just because they were so cracked about the Gabriel thing. Everybody in general was cracked about the Gabriel thing. And now you're over there being kung fu, providing fucking house and health for people. Dude, I could live 15 years without ever working. I was going to ask you. It was so cheap.

I could live 15 years easily. I didn't even really thought about it exactly. How much do you think it would cost? To like, for like rent in, in. If you want to get a place, it's got to be cheaper than staying in hostels, right? To actually get a place. Because you can go long term. Yeah, that's what, I mean, that's what I've heard.

I've just heard of, like, I don't know. Of course, the flights are cheaper. A little expensive. Flights are expensive, but you don't say flights. You take buses. How much? Everybody goes anywhere. Do you, have you ever stayed in a hotel in these places?

Yeah. So how much is like a decent hotel? A night. An okay place is like between, like, like 25 and like 55. But most of the time it's like 20 or 25. We'd split hotel rooms for like 12 each. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Well, I mean, even even in San Diego, they're 200 a night. So yeah, yeah. To just be able to cut it by four. Yeah. But it's like it's fine. Whatever you get, it's like this is fine. It's not, it's nothing good.

And for something like good where it's like, oh, this is comfortable. How about your own? nice shower. Okay, yeah, maybe. That's like 40 or 50 bucks. It's not terrible. It's not terrible. No, you can get it whenever you want.

And then sometimes you can go like more, but 40 or 50 bucks will get it done. I say it's a decent nice one actually in, in Chiang Mai, northern Thailand. I hope that finally once. Oh, because you got a nice hotel? You got a spring for it up. No, it's going to happen. You're like, we're not going to do this in the dorm. And I'm like, I have the money for a hotel room.

Let's go to a fucking hotel room. So you get it and you just waste the eight you spend of the hostel, but then you go get a $35 one. But it was about that. $35. Nice place. Nice shower. Okay.

Good sleep for a few hours. I'm surprised you went to hostels. That's, like, I've, I've been to free hostels in Israel and. Were you really? Yeah. The one in Jerusalem, like where they kick you out and they want you to go to. What did you think of them? I mean, they were, they were nice.

It's definitely okay, but it's just, I, I, I snore, so I'm self-conscious. Oh, yeah, yeah. So I don't want to fuck anybody's day up. Yeah, I can hear that. You know, when you told me you were first doing this thing, at first I thought of the pocket and missed opportunities. I mean, you've worked hard, you've gotten a couple good films. Your movie's running on the airplane now.

I saw it once, and a plane's get ahead of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so that's good. I saw it, like, one-up over, and I saw that scene I did. I was about it, so I just watched that. That's the only way I watched it. I just see it on there. I was like, cool. look at it. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's playing

on airplanes and that's all. I looked at it like that at first. And then I looked at it as a person who's lived here for 20 years, been lied to, promise things. You know, people, this, this, this. And for one day, I'd say, you know what? I have

the power to tell you Zahar to suck my dick. I'm going to Israel for six months to learn how to write letters on the fucking wall and Yeah. It's so peace of mind in this business is so fucking important. And if you've lost your mind that one time and you've gotten it back and all of a sudden, things start to rattle and roll for you again, you realize how happy you are that you've gotten over that hump,

that you didn't buy into it. Like people like Justin, remember when what's the name got here? She was crazy. Who? The crazy girl. Then she went to Vegas and now you don't even hear about her anymore. Shama? No, not Shama.

The other girl. The other crazy girl? The girl that dances, the young girl, Britney Spears. Oh, Britney Spears. Britney Spears. When Britney Spears got here, what you were? Girl from Louisiana. She had alligators in the back yard.

She didn't go crazy. She fucking wised up, man. No, no. She wised up. But in the beginning, remember she shaved the head? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. But what's his name? She figured it out.

She was like, fuck you people. I don't do your shit anymore. Once you figure it out, she's like, get out of here. She shaved her head in front of people. You figure it out. You figure it out. You figure it out that it's all of,

they're all blowing smoke up your ass, and everybody has a handout and trying to make a dollar from you. Nobody really has your health or your mental health. And you could, Ari, tell me how I'm lying to you. I could look you in the face

and say, listen, man, I only want to go out once a month. They don't give a fuck. Don't call you three days later. You have four offers. It's fucking crazy. Nobody gives a fuck. Lee, it's fucking crazy.

You know. They keep trying to talk you in and doing what stuff. And then they start calling you on Friday when you're on the road. Let me finish the fucking thing. I said when I'm ready, I'll tell you. I've got nine weeks. I got one, two, two, two weeks and two weeks off. And I got a call to you out there to do radio.

for July 16th the other day. Like, are you fucking retarded? Like, they sent me a list of shit what I wanted to do and what I didn't want to do. I go, first of all, I have no idea what I want to do that week. What if fucking Lisa Act gets a show on fucking whatever, and I got to be a co-star in it. I don't fucking know.

I got to tell you what I want to do for radio now. And you sit there. I haven't even gotten on a plane to this city. And all of a sudden, somebody else is like, I hate. I hate when I get a I could be here Monday through fucking Thursday morning

and every day I got three emails two of them from Fleming Steakhouse The rest is one person I give a fuck about yeah Dogg I get on the plane Thursday morning Yeah I get off the fucking plane I look at my emails I got four fucking emails from sponsors

Yeah Who want to change their copy I got 10 emails from fucking the agency What hotel do you want to stay at in July August, it's fucking June. You know, questions that really don't matter. And why didn't you ask me?

When I was in front of my fucking computer, Monday to Wednesday, you couldn't fucking ask me. So I understand, man, why you did it. Once you were gone, I missed you, like I said, but I was cheering for you. I'm like, fuck it. He should just stay there until whatever. Now, let's say this Netflix special comes out.

This comes out worldwide. When you go to the Philippines, you go to a bunch of, go down in the Army. Shafir's in town Wednesday night. I'm splitting the door with your 50-50. I'm doing the show here. Yeah, exactly.

Even if you get 50 people, you don't give a fuck. No, I can go play places. Yeah. Pay for the hotel rooms and fossils, whatever. Be able to sustain myself. Go see cool things. That would be a fucking great adventure. Take leave with you.

I haven't taped it. Yeah, I don't need to tape it. Yeah. Tape those little things into it. Look, bro. Who knows? Yeah. Who knows what CMT or buy anymore?

Can you imagine you take leave with you? and you're going to attend different Asian countries and do stand-up for five of them and bring it back and they go to a pitch meeting and we don't get this show. Hold on one second. Hit it, Lee. Lee hits the button.

And it's you and Lee in the jungles of Bangkok. And that night you're at a bar shaking your fucking butt. And they're like, what the fuck is this? We're buying this right now. Take Lee with you. But don't take them zip lining because... Jesus Christ. Lee broke the zip line.

I did not have some fucking place before. I'm happy. Happy you're back, brother. I'm happy. You look healthy. I feel good, man. Not much processed food, I think. Really?

Maybe. Was your diet completely different? Way ricey. Everything's over rice, especially the last like 45 days at least. Did you feel anything different? Did you feel the carb change or something? Maybe I just started to shred down a little bit. And then I had too many beers in the early on.

And then that got like Chang weight to put on that Chang weight. How long did you stay? sober from marijuana all through Myanmar all through Myanmar all through Myanmar all through Myanmar and you felt great then you yeah and I honestly

I had the last piece of one thing and I uh when I last it was like I'm leaving Myanmar tomorrow and I just had this and I gave it to somebody fucking buddy I was like hey you're gonna be here longer I'm not gonna take it across the border but like you know do it when it's time

I didn't want to do it fucking clearheaded a little bit it's good to get clear ahead yeah it's good to drop everything yeah full month I didn't do it in China my I must have smoked in pie over a month

over a month did you do any work what do you what do you talk what work oh you mean stand-up work? Anything oh no no no no like did you do any writing any anything you would have to do here or did you take everything off I didn't know house servant

did I don't imagine you're picking rice in the field you told you didn't write a captain Did you keep a journal? Yeah, I kept a journal. Daily? Yeah, after the first, like, 10, 12 days. First, it was just, like, a note or two, and then it was, like, every 10, 12 days,

just full entry every day. Just, like, kind of, like, remembering stuff. I don't know. Taking stock in what you went through. You know? Just like, oh, yeah, then that happened yesterday. That was cool. Got some weird fucking soccer matches with people.

Don't kids. It's fun, man. It's so fun out there. Were you scared to, like, the first couple days at all or no? Yeah, hell is scared. My plane stopped through San Francisco. Yeah, real scared.

I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to make of those people. They seemed so different. I thought they were all going to fucking roll me. Any places where you went where they talked about ISIS or anything? No. Not at all. Indonesia, they had Muslims, but it wasn't like that at all.

But they did have Bali bombs not too long ago. Two bombs went off. But I think that was even before or maybe since 9-11, but it wasn't the latest one in the world. It was like 10 years ago Maybe 2007 But like you know Not any more than any other place

What about the meat you ain't? Because Joey always Tortured me and says I'm eating cat I really don't want to eat cat There's full dog on one menu Let me explain how the waurungs work It's like you know the pizza shelf Where it just points of a slice

And then they warm it up So instead they have like slices of meat Either beef or chicken or fish Or one time dog And they have it chopped up and cooked And it's in the window and they don't heat it up at all, though. It's whatever temperature is.

It just stays there for who knows how long. And then they just put that over hot rice. Did you eat the dog? I did not eat the dog. Why that? Because it was cold. Yeah, I'm not going to try fucking cold dog the first time. Did they tell you what type of dog it was?

That made a difference. There's so many out there before they told him what dog it was. Yeah. If they said out of name, that'd make it. feel bad. But there's like 20, like strays everywhere there. There's like fish. They're just stray dogs.

They need to eat meat. So they eat the fucking stray dogs. And you see the dogs hanging upside down? No. She fully told me. It was chopped up. I was like, what's that? And I thought she said duck. And she kept correcting me. Saying dog.

See, at least they tell you. They tell you, they tell you. They don't just having to. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, they can't tell you here. They can't tell you here because it's against the law. Yeah, they're, it's totally fine. But there, since they've been doing it for 2,000 years,

they're not going to stop killing dogs. Yeah. So in the morning, that's why they leave for work early. They circle the neighborhood, and there you go. Because they're sleeping dogs. Sure, and whatever. They got a cat, a pigeon. It all goes to the same recipe.

You put a pigeon together with a dog. Would you eat dog? If it was hot out of the oven, I'm talking like fresh, juicy looking meat over hot rice, delicious, like home-cooked like a meal, but at a restaurant. I mean, steam's coming out of it. You can smell the fucking delicious meat. I don't know.

Jesus Christ. Dogs hard. Well, that fucking went to San Francisco and eating. What if that was the only meat on the menu? So, not that there's nothing else to eat, but if you want to eat anything with protein, that's your only choice. What about there? What are the other options that like... Broccoli?

No tofu. Broccoli? No tofu. No, sorry. I'll definitely eat broccoli. Just broccoli? Yeah, fuck yeah. I'll definitely eat broccoli over dog.

Sorry. Just broccoli. Just plain old broccoli. I know it doesn't make any sense. It's just the same animal. Okay, okay, okay. One step further. Now one step further.

Easy, easy. One step further. What if now, no broccoli? Okay. Just dog and rice. Oh, yeah, easy. Just rice. Just rice.

Okay. Okay. That's way easier. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, I think the next step is we're going to take away the rice. So then it's just dog.

That's your only choice, really, for the meal today. For a one day? Just one meal. Did I eat yesterday? You ate. Oh, just one meal? Yeah, but wait, but you ate like earliest yesterday and you didn't have breakfast and it's already like three or four p.m.

And it's hot out of the oven and it's so tender. What do you? And there's rice there if you want. with dog. I don't even know. Oh, they've all sorts of fresh spices. Oh. Or just fresh, because it's just delicious meat. It's almost like a steak where you don't need anything on it.

It's so, it'll melt in your mouth. That's how big looks. That is the only thing that deters me from taking a trip to visit and hang out. That want to eat dog? No, any of that, any of that, those venues, Lee and I discuss this constantly. I would die. I would shit my pants. Dude, that's oysters in Vietnam on the side of the road, just oysters.

And I'm like, fuck yeah. Put that on the big girl. Give me one of those. Give me one of those orders. And I was fine. I was so risking it, dude. When I went to San Francisco in 85, I met Mario Harbor Cubans. Yeah.

People got out in Mario in 79. They were the Cubans that Fidel emptied the jail and dumped on the United States. Sent them to Miami. And also in Miami murders went up because these people were savages. But not to deter this one. I met a kid. And he was telling me how the whole thing had gone down. At that time in San Francisco in the Tenderloin had like a two-block Cuban community.

Of all Cubans that came over in the 79. Now they had developed and they still weren't getting jobs and they were on the streets. They ran like two streets. They sold nickel bags. They sold fake IDs. They bought hot travelers checks. shit like that. They didn't really,

they weren't big time criminals and nothing. But since I could speak English, I could help them. So I became tight with them and there was one kid in particular I started talking to. And I go,

so how did it go down? He told me that there was some thing and he was a civil engineer this kid. I met him selling nickel bags and blah

and I asked him, what did you do? Because that's when I started getting the history from these people. Yeah. And I asked him, what did you doing, Cube? When he told me what he was, and in my mind, I'm like,

how can you be a civil engineer? You're out of your selling fucking Coke. I can't ask him this. But he's telling me all these stories. And then he started telling me a story about how the biggest, I go, was it easy to get on a boat? And he goes, the boat and everything was easy. It was the paperwork.

That was hard. You had to go to the embassy. And he goes, listen, bro, for six days, you couldn't get off the line. People were shitting and pissing in bags and water bottles. So, uh, he goes, and you told me a graphic fucking story

about a guy that had a fucking dog and the people kept telling him, listen man, that dog is looking mighty tasty. The kid's like, please, he's my dog and they're like, listen, we haven't eaten in days. And they started messing with the kids, mess with the kid. Kids started crying.

Some guy came, took the dog from him, took the dog, and broke the dog's neck right now. Oh, Jesus. Where is this? Where the fuck? In Nevada, during the embassy. Yeah. He goes, the guy slit the dog open.

Three or four Cubans came over right in front of the kid. They put bricks down, and they started barbecuing the fucking dog. What? Right on the fucking grill. They were counting, like there was no food. You were on the line for four days, and you couldn't get off the line and there's a kid with a fucking dog. Where's that happening right now?

No, no, no, no. It's happening something. This is what happened in Cuba was 1979, was that Fidel? No, what? Dig it up. Just Yahoo, Google, Avana, 1970, Mario Harbor situation.

And let's just read on what happened. Right. No, no. These Cubans were, and there were all prisoners of Castro, people who oppose a certain, government. Like if you didn't go to work

one day, if you played let's Zeppelin. Right. You weren't the opposition really. Castro was throwing you in jail for being Jewish because he didn't trust you because on that day he didn't trust fucking Jews. So now you're in jail for 20 fucking years. He let those people out and

those people were fucking pissed and they were full fledged criminals. Like here you go to a jail and you get a bed and a cot and life is okay, three squares there. Yeah. And tell me, man from himself,

you and Lee could be brothers, and I'm in the cell, and every morning, instead of three breakfasts is coming in, one comes in. Guess what, Ari? We're fighting for that fucking egg. Oh, yeah. You know, that's, that's, so we can either fight and kill each other,

or we can split the breakfast in three. Either way, we're going to starve. Yeah. They make you an animal in those jails. But he was telling me that story. They kept telling the kid, kid, that dog is looking mighty good. And the kid's like, come on, you guys are silly, you know. So that's like two days later, like, kid, that dog's got to go.

Yeah. It obviously seems fucked up. But if I was put in that situation, like, not eating for days. Then you would. Then you would. Then you would. Would you enjoy it? After your eighth, ninth, ninth, tenth, 11th time trying it?

I was thinking. Deliciously seasoned? That if it was going to be anyone to cook dog, like having it be Cubans, it probably was better. Mm, press sandwiches. I was just going to say, like, actual spices as opposed to just like, I don't want to eat just salt and pepper. It needs to be spicy. Can you blow that up a little bit, the front line? The top one, look at what it says that.

It says 10,000 Cubans tried to get asylum by taking refuge on the Peruvian embassy. The Cuban government announced anyone who wanted to go. could do so. The ensuing migration organized by Cuban Americans with the agreement of President Fidel Cassidy, arriving a refugee Cuban

Jail. See, there it was. It was discovered response to the immigrants and then it was discovered that a number of refugees had been released from Cuban jails, mental health facilities. The Mario Boutliff was ended by mutual agreement between the two governments and late October

1980. After as many, a hundred 25 Cubans 125,000 Cubans had reached Florida that was a complete bullshit it was more like 200,000 oh really?

It was fucking crazy was people just coming over in rafts from Cuba it was 125,000 let me tell you what it became then it became what anything becomes immigrants 125,000

to attack the shores on rafts yep no no no speedboats oh really just to get on the land Because you would call me and go pops. You would call me and go, Joey, I'm done. I'm not sitting here. If I opened up the jails, get me out of here.

Where are you? I'm in Kamauway on the eastern coast. There's a boat thing called whatever. I'll be here at this number. And you would sit by that fucking pay phone and play phone tag with me. And I would have to go to Miami, rent the boat, and make sure we can get the cube on the boat to where you are. And then bring the boat back. worked for a few days.

And then people started saying, Ari, come on, give me $5,000. I'll take you to go get Lee. And once I got Lee, I get you, and I said, I'll shoot you in the fucking head. If what? If you don't give me an extra $10,000.

Oh, no. What's that, Lee? This is the breakdown of what they're saying came per month. From April 21st, they had almost $8,000. And then it was $90,000, 20,000.

And this is 79? I believe so. Yeah, this is 79. 20,000 what? Who had? People from Cubado. To Miami. Wow.

It was crazy. Hitting the shores. Hitting the shores. Illegal or legal? Legal. Because. We were like, hey, anybody wants in? Right.

Fidel was letting them in. So all the prisoners would like, we'll take off. We'll take off. Take them. He opened up his prisoners, his mental institution. And he let off the fucking worst criminals out. Everybody tangled up with good people. Oh, you want people over there? Go ahead. Here's a doctor and stuff.

Wow. Yeah, we learned the big... Everybody learned the big lie. I don't even know what we're talking about it, but that's what had happened. And it's crazy because you see, when you see Scarface and they're on the bus, he chastises him for not telling the story right, that he was in a mental institution. In Cuba, do you remember that scene? He's like, tell him you were... I told you to tell him you were...

tell him you went an institution. Yeah. Another sanitarium. And he goes, no, no, you told me to tell him I was in a sanitarium. No, no. I told him to tell him you a TB and you were in or whatever. And he goes, you should have shut you about there would have thought you were a horse. Uh-huh.

So, right. So July 18th, double fucking CD special event. Double special. Double special. Yeah. On Netflix. On Netflix. First off, I'm happy you're back.

Thank you. I'm happy you're at the store. It's good to see you. Thank you very much. Had a nice time at dinner. It was very good, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, man. That Bolognaise.

Yeah, Bolognaz. Yeah. It was good. You sat there with a little Coke spoon pouring on Parmesan cheese. I felt like David Bolly of the Bolognais. I couldn't fucking believe it. Just sprinkle, sprinkle.

Just pickle, sprinkle. You just in town chilling until the 23rd. Chill until the 23rd. Don't dates nowhere and not been the rest of you. You're back in New York. Back in New York for Stank Fest. What are you doing at Skank Fest? I don't know.

I'm judging naked roast. Okay. And who's doing a naked roast? A bunch of people. Women too? Yeah, women too. Yeah, everybody's up there. You doing it?

I'm judging. And naked? Yeah, of course. Obviously. Tremendous. Yeah. It never ends with you. My balls are too saggy.

That's why it's great. You got the shots and everything. in case you step on a nail with fucking fungi nailing it. And what else you got? That's it. I'm doing the Joker's cruise to hang out with those guys in November.

Yeah, I'm taking everything else. What's the Joker's cruise? You know, with Sal and those guys. And when do you leave? Where do you leave from? New Orleans. And where do you go? I don't know.

Some place. For how long? I don't know. It's a cruise five days. Okay. I've never done one before. Living the life of Riley? I didn't have to hang out by a lounge chair.

Well, you know me, though. You're my brother. Yeah. I wish you nothing but luck no matter where you go. You're always family to the podcast, and we're just happy to have you on you. Yeah, I'm just happy to stay home for a little while. Dude, fuck all. You know what, man?

What? Right now in comedy, you earn the right to do whatever the fuck you want to. And that's why I tell people all the time, the other day, people are comparing a bunch of things. I say, you know what, man, I've got to be honest with you. Wow. I don't even think about that stuff. What? I don't even think about any of that stuff

about what I could be doing, maybe I should be doing this. I'm very happy doing what I'm doing. If I was supposed to be somebody else, I would have been not being somebody else. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like enough with the fucking pattern

they had for comics all through the years. That was very much, take a comic, burn them out, and then fucking tossing to the side. Now the guy wakes up one day when he's 50, he's got no resume, and he's walking around town. He can't even get spots at the comedy store.

You've seen that right before you fucking line. A bunch of times. So now, because of things like the podcast and we have our own vehicles, we don't fall into that trap, man. I'm doing what I want to be doing. I'm doing a podcast and stand-up. That's all I want to be doing at this point.

If you write a role for me and it's cool just to cover my insurance, I'm there. But if you put me through a bunch of, Oops, if I got to drive to fucking Riverside and put sun tan lotion on you're in no fucking danger. If you're not shooting a mile away,

you're in no fucking danger anymore. I don't want to shoot nothing. What if it's going to make your shit worse? Where they're like, it's half finished? They were like, all right, it's good enough, come on. And you're like, no, no, no. You know, there.

It's like, yeah, I'm interested. I'm interested in doing something different. I would love to recur on a TV show right now. Would you really? Yeah. What kind of TV show? Compared to something. Half hour?

Comedy. General Hospital? That one show? Which one? Which one? That children's hospital. Oh, yeah. He would do that?

Yeah. Well, it's 15 minutes. That's 15 minutes, yeah. So, there's not much to do on those days. But two days a week. I would like to recur on something that I shot at CBS Radford. Yeah. That the people knew me.

Oh, on a lot. They were like, Joey. No, no, no, no. That the people knew me. Like, I knew him from the store from 50s. Oh, yeah, yeah. They come up to me when they go, listen, can we talk to you in the kitchen at the store?

And you're like, yeah, what's up? We got a show on CBS Thursday nights at 8.30. My partner and I have discussed it. We talk to the brass at CBS. We got your little gig six weeks or six weeks, six seven episodes. We'll pay you a little extra. Joey, we can't have the reef in the periscope. I had fucking the little Jewish kid with you eating those.

fucking stars of death, you know what? I'd take it. But if they dug me like that, and I looked at them and said, what if, what if on the way to the studio I bumped into somebody that took a hit of their joint? Would that be cool?

We'd accept that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And can you shoot me out quick? Because after three hours, I got to smoke dope. We're going to shoot you out first. You know, I would consider doing it. If it's a friend of mine and he understands

and he knows, Listen, bro, when do you have to be out of here by your family? You hired me. You're paying me. Between you and I, I don't have to be out of here until Wednesday and midnight. Because all I need is three hours of sleep, I get on a fucking plane. Yeah. And I'll sleep when I get to the hotel room there for two hours.

It's an 8.30 show on a Thursday night. It's only one show. You eat a few stars. You come back to your hotel room. You wake up, you do radio Friday morning, you tip-top magoo. You eat breakfast. You come back. You take another nap to all.

too. You write a little bit, you go to the gym and you do your two shows. And that's your Friday night. Seriously, if you came to me with an interesting show that we could do for Netflix or something that people would really watch. Something cool. Something cool.

And you said to me, Joey. We're going to have some night shoots, but you know what, brother, it's good to have you around. I'm going to give you a big trailer. You can do whatever the fuck you want. I mean, don't shoot heroin. Yeah. You know what I am, but I'm a small little dope and take a walk like a professional. I'm not going to be maddy. I know you work good when you

those type of things. Yeah. Yeah. But if I'm going to go to CBS and they're just going to watch me and I can't have weed on my breath like Biggie in 85, 95 and now I'm not interested anymore. I'm too old. It's got to be loose. I got to do one of your takes. I got to do one of the producers takes and I got to do one of my takes. What do you mean? Like if we're going to shoot this thing for you the right way if it's going to be comedy. Give me the respect to give me one take. Let me tell you all the lines my way. Oh, right, right, right. I'm going to do one for Lee.

I'm going to do one for you because it's your fucking show. This is how you want it. But I have an idea. Can we want it one time like that, Ari? And you're going to go, you know what, Joey, I like that. Just say the first two words and cut that out. Boom, and all of some, we all collaborated. And everybody's happy. Like, I'm one of those guys.

I'm man. Yeah. Yeah. But don't sit there and go, oh, she just can't. over Joey and said you have to say was, Ari, was the, what's the difference? I know. But this is CBS and, you know what I don't want to

do that. I'm too old. But someone are like, IFC, you know, and I hate when people go, well, nobody watches IFC, who goes to fuck? Nobody watches anything. Yeah. Nobody really watches anything. Yeah, so much. I let you go and do whatever you want.

Yeah, there's so much vast entertainment out there at your fingertips. put it up places. That people put everything on the checklist and they might get to you. Yeah. Because every week they're budget watching. Yeah.

And what are they doing? They're binge watching. Yeah. From Friday to fucking Sunday, budget watching. Yeah, then it's over in no time. Yeah. So by the time they get to you, there is so much content available to you now.

Yeah. With all without money, with or without cable. You have so much content available to you now that now you're overstimulated. You can't watch everything that's coming out. You know, I was reading that they're having a decimal summer in fucking, in show business this summer.

Like if it wasn't for Wonder Woman, the numbers were staggering. Sure. What did most Americans do last Friday, Lee? What do you think fucking 60% of Americans did last Friday? Stayed in and watched. And watch what? Oh, I was the House of Cards. What did you say?

Orange is the new purple. Also got released. So most people last week, if House of Cards came out Friday, and fucking orange is the new purple came out sadly. Black. Yeah, black is the new purple. Yeah. What movie are you going to go fucking see for $35 with your girlfriend?

Black is the new purple? No, you're not. You're going to stay home and watch Netflix. Oh, right. There ain't no movie this week unless you watch one. That's as good as a new season of that. I don't know. I don't watch that show.

But to Americans, I'm telling you right now that most Americans go, do I really want to go see this movie at the movie theater for 1750 apiece, 15 for parking, popcorn, dinner at the Japanese restaurant. We could just order a fucking pizza, get a bottle of wine. Fucking suck. It's eight episodes of orange is the new purple. Dude, the last two weeks was FIS for Family and then House of Car.

Yeah, family, I got to get out there. Yeah. How are you going to fucking go to the movie? Give me a bottle of water. $8 a month. Please. I'm begging you. Listen to this.

There's nothing on it. I'm going to give you. How much TV did you watch or did you try to avoid staying in? Fucking zero, man. The first night there turned on the TV, never again. Three and a half months. Oh, girl. You know, man, the good thing was you went there to take a break from everything.

And you took a break from everything. Yeah, I got so fucking rest of it. Nothing to do. No responsibility. No responsibility whatsoever. I know where I go. Go wherever the fuck you want to go. I know where I put your letter so one day you want to see it.

But it's funny. I could tell in the letter that you were excited about starting over again, like your character. Yeah. Like, you were done. And, like, that was an interesting line that you're staying at hostels. And in the back of my mind, I know you could stay at a motel six in any fucking city of the nation. Yeah.

But for some reason, you wanted to pay your dues. You wanted to be a human being again. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You just wanted to do things to start over. And I got it. I got it after that. I was like, ah.

It's a fucking normal thing. Yeah. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, no, no, no. Some fucking, yeah. We're all going here. Take a picture. Move on.

Pleased to hear. Oh, brother, I'm happy you're back. I'm happy you put the special together at Netflix. Yeah, it's pretty fucking cool, man. That's the way I wanted it. Like a double thing together, you know? Where it's like the one ends, start watching the next one.

Or take a break for a day, but it's like, you'll see. They're both connected sort of to each other. It's fucking good. And you shot them both in. Cap City in Austin Yeah Yeah Yeah

Yeah Yeah I'm happy Yeah that's a great club We rebuilt the stage I'm happy that bond got to here brother Oh my God Yeah that first bang Fucking killed you tonight

Third I'm happy you're back I'm happy you're smoking some California buds Do not forget people This Thursday night Uncle Joey working out With Uncle Joey Pasadena At the Ice House

830 And then the 23rd and 24th I will be at Levy Town Governors, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, in and out, no drama, you know, just working at Baby Boy, and that's it. I want to thank Ari for coming back on,

but before I get Ari off here, I've got to tell you people something. Tell us people. Fallers days around the corner. Tushy.com. Hello, tushy.com. You know why? Because badees are back.

You don't have to walk around. The summer's coming. Humidity's lurking around the corner. you know what that means swamp ass you go out of night without a shower your asshole stinks it brings like hemorrhoids bacteria nobody wants that you're sitting there all day it's a fucking nightmare tell them I'm the sweat and the juices tell them about the hemorrhoids tell about the hemorrhoys and you can't sit down it's amazing you know why chaf chaf chaf hello pushy dot com that's why you don't have a bidet you try to rub that filthy fucking ass

with old fucking tree that they got from communist china somewhere there you guys You got bombarded with chemicals. And then you wonder why your asshole looks like it fucking, like it got shot in. What's a Lego? A lepo? Your asshole looks like a lepo. You understand me? You know why your asshole looks and smells like a lepo?

Hellotushy.com is here to help you out. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a portable bidet. What does that mean portable? You would take it on the road? You could, you absolutely could if you wanted to. on the road or take it from your mother's bedroom. But that's what you really do. You go to different rooms, different bathrooms.

Yeah. If you usually get a bit day, it's attached to the floor. You need certain plumbing with this. You attach it to your toilet in the bathroom. You can attach it within seven minutes. You can be sitting on a thing, getting water, spit up to your ears. I did butt spray a bunch up there. Yes, you did.

Fucking cold hose butt spray, man. And does it change your life? But it does. Does your hemorrhoids go away? It was fine. I think that sort of did. Because. I didn't bleed.

I stop fucking bleeding out of my ass. This is what I'm saying to you. I know for a fact. As soon as I got back, it started up again. Cleanliness is next to godliness. You got to keep that muffler clean. Muffler, clean it up. It's dirty, but that's all over because hello Tushie is back.

Get yourself a portable bidet attached to your toilet. No more swamp ass. Your dad's ass don't smell. Your mom's ass don't smell. Everybody's walking around. Tip top, McGoo, fresh. And the best thing is you got a 90-day warrant. If something happens by then the summer's over you won't even need it anywhere

Nothing's gonna happen yes you do nothing's gonna happen let me tell you something Even in the winter once you get addicted to hello tushy you'll understand why I could Warm you up you're warm up the water it could warm up you could do whatever Wow can you warm it up Lee talk they have a they have a hot one but I only I have the one That's only cold I love it it's it starts my day it's it's amazing like let's say you took a shower It's like a little trickle. Let's say you took a shower. You walked around New York.

It gets a little swammy back there, but you don't have time to take another shower. Bam. That's all you need. That's all you need. And you could do your balls while you're there. I have another ball. Back a little bit. That's a little bit.

You got a little soap, a little bavocque with soap. You clean your nuts. You throw some soap above because you know with his hair, it gets all sweaty. Hello, tushy.com right now. Always go out of date. We're confident. Your helmet won't smell. Your asshole.

won't smell. You know why? Hello Tushy Engineering. Go to hellotushy.com right now and press in. Hellotosci.com slash church. Boom! And get 10% off. Number two, I love them. I use their products every day, whether it's the hemp protein, the chocolate, the cacao, or the cacao. The shroom tech sport. I'm on it every day with honor. You understand me? They also have kettlebells and steel bars and mazes and all that fun stuff, but I can only help you and tell you for sure about the supplements. Sure, I have their kettlebells,

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Ari, yes, sir. Your family. Thank you very much for going. Yeah, man. Getting your head together, coming back. Now, you know, you definitely don't want to be

and you're really getting the fuck out of it. So I also you applaud you for that. I love you to death. Thank you for coming on this show. Stay black and stay beautiful. Lee, how are you feeling? See, you ate 10 stars plus the other thing. And look, you're fine.

Yeah, you're fine, like, it's all in your head. This is what I say to you all the time. You defeat yourself on your own. You're like the girl who does anal and you. I can do, but I just don't want to do it every night, Joey. Listen, you're in. You don't do this every night, do you? He wants me to.

No, no, no, no. He won six, maybe six and a half. I want you to take two nights off because you need to refresh. But the other two nights, what happens is, he goes over there on Wednesday, and he gets all pussyed up Thursday, Friday, Saturday, she smacks them around. She's walking them around.

Tells him what food they're going to eat and shit. Yeah. Tells him he can't eat stars. He eats like 400. Oh, really? You're going to fucking do that? No, no. No, no.

Be honest. He gets mad when I eat 1,400. Then he comes in here on a month's $2,000. You got to see him. He's dead. He passes out. He orders pizza. When did you go, Joey, from going from when we used to eat 50 milligrams?

It was 50 milligrams we each have. And we fucking put us on the moon. Listen, as humans, we have to evolve. No, he knows. I think Stovsky said that. Oh, my gosh. As humans, we need to evolve. Only going to eat 50 milligrams for it.

To keep your tolerance down. What tolerance? You got to build it up. You got to be prepared. If you go over it. I'm so sorry. If you go over it. You live in Calais.

Jesus Christ. I made that chillet, man. That was that. I made that chillet. That was that ring of Tony. Yeah, I was. Jesus Christ.

I made my dad's chilling. How was it? It was so good. It was exactly like I remembered it. Really? From the recipe. So you made it right to precise. It, dude, it came out.

Like at first I was like, oh, it's a little. And then I left the top off for like four or five minutes. It concealed up. And I was like perfect consistently now. Now, to, man, it was great. What are you supposed to eat that? What happened? No,

it's wintertime. It's just warm. It's just warm. Yeah, you can let overflow onto your brisket and then they can eat that with it sort of dip, sort of a savory dip.

Oh man, it's so good, man. I'm gonna make it in New York. So what is it? I've already decided it's chon't. It's just warm stoo. You can't say it like that. Chon't.

What is it? What is it? Beans, a lot of beans, some barley, potatoes, but it's like slow, slow cooked, 18 hours.

Are you Separtic? No, man. Chon's fucking. where it gets cold. Sephardic's like African. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's dirt juice. What do you call him a half of a moly Jew?

You call him a half a moly Jew? I have no idea. What is wrong with you? Jungle juice. Thank you again, buddy. Have a great week. God bless you. You know, I love you, though.

I love you too. You're the last. It's nice seeing you. I'm glad I don't see your face. We got around. We got a little dinner and stuff. Don't forget Thursday night at the Ice House. Don't.

Next weekend. The 23rd and 24th, L.I. Long Island governors, bitches. I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday night. Stay Black. Uncle Joey Lee Syatt and my main man, Avi Shafia.