The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #491 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt with special guest Sarah Tiana

Episode Date: June 20, 2017

Sarah Tiana, comedian and writer seen on @midnight and Reno 911, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio...twice. This podcast is brought to you by:  Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.    DollarShaveClub.com -  get your first month of razors for only $1 with free shipping at dollarshaveclub.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/19/2017.
    

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Monday, the 20th, the 19th, whatever it is. It's fucking summer. Oh shit. The church of what's happened now. Lee Syatt, Sarah Tiana. It's your lucky day, cock suckers. Here we go. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. We're not fucking around anymore, people. Grab the notebook. You might learn something. Welcome to Podcastville. Uncle Joey. Lee Syatt. Sarah Tiana, what's happening?

I'm so excited to be here. I could tell you shouldn't eat that fucking star. I should not have. No, no, no, I can tell your ass fucked up. It's tremendous. It's working wonders. Lee Syatt, K Paso over there. I'm doing good.

I had a weird reaction to some edibles last night because I called you and I was doing good. He was doing good. Let me tell you what happened. I went by his house. I knew he was sitting there like a bump on a log rubbing his feet. His girlfriend went to their mother's house to eat and dance and whatever they do. and to listen to pit bull and sit around

so I figured he's my friend he's all alone let me drop her back cat package over so I showed up like 500 milligrams of the finest edible as you can

at about 2 o'clock on Father's Day who does that he should have been showing up at my house not me I gave him like a fucking Vito Corleone

on Father's Day I reversed it showed up at his house he called me an hour later this is I know why you do this in the daytime I was having the best time I'm having the best time

I'm over here doing the fucking funky chicken by myself. I told him take a walk, get a slice of pizza. Then he calls, I call him a Laela and I go, well, I'm coming back for a round two. And Paula was there like with the whip. And he's like, I don't feel good. Oh, it wasn't. Because she walked in and said, what's the matter with you? No, it wasn't.

Joey came over. Did you eat edibles again? Yeah, but I don't feel good. He forced him on me. And she's like, what is wrong with you leave? Stop eating edibles. And also I called him. I'm on my way.

And he's like, I don't feel good. You were going to come back later that night. The real story was... And then this, motherfucker, 10 minutes later, calling back, he's eating jalada. 10 minutes later, hours later. You're sick enough, you're too sick, but now you're eating fucking gelato. This is fake news.

You're saying fake fucking news. Yes, it is. Were you not eating gelato? I did eat gelato at the end of the night because I didn't have dinner. You called and told me to have a slice of pizza to hold me over. Sure, so your wife came over the 5. She was 3 in the afternoon. She was gone, so I didn't do.

I should have done that because I didn't, I had lunch super early. You fucked up. And by the time we got to dinner, like it was super hot last night. I just, between the, like, the heat, because we went down the stairs, too, I was stupid. And between the heat and all that, I started like, I thought I was either going to,

you know, have you ever had to either puke or poop? It's going to come out of either one. So I, like, I luckily, because the only reason I didn't puke was there were two cops sitting there. There were two, and I was like, I can't puke in front of cops. I can't get kicked out. Did you poop? Oh.

but not even that one, but just a little bit. At the restaurant? Yeah. What restaurant did you go to? Oh, you're the hummus place. But I've been going there since I've been, since I moved here, so it's okay. That's why you got sick. It was before the hummus.

The hummus saved me. The hummus didn't save me, though. It did too. I brought it home, and I couldn't even eat it. I couldn't even eat at the restaurant. I told Paula I couldn't eat there. It sure was smell. You could smell of that shit in the fucking air.

How can anybody eat at that shit? you say I got to live with I wanted you on the show since fucking Super Bowl I hate to bring this up that's how you started off I mean you were in love yeah everything was going great

he was celebrating what a fucking game it felt like finding out that your husband has another family you know like you're like oh my God everything's just so great and then all of a sudden my life's over

I hate everything And you're a fan since day one. Yeah. And now I, like, don't even trust them. Like, I'm not even looking forward to football season for the first time in my whole life. I'm just so devastated on the inside. Like, I'm like, I don't even want it to come back. I don't even know.

What was the worst? Losing Michael Vick or losing the Super Bowl? Losing the Super Bowl. He was the superstar, though. He was, like, he was going crazy. He's back now? No, he's not. He's going to be a coach on our team.

Is you really? Yeah. Yeah, I thought about you. I called you while you were there. Lee said that you were there. You were there with Fox Sports. You got a little gig while you were there. Things were rocking and rolling,

and all of a sudden, they just flipped the fucking script on you. And that's the worst walking out of there. Like, that's why I don't get involved in that shit. I don't get involved in none of that shit because I can't imagine walking out. Did you have a jersey on? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I had a jersey. And then take the train all the way back to town. The worst part was I've been, you know, as soon as there were three minutes left in the fourth quarter and I was like, this is over. I just started crying and then we went to overtime

and when we lost the coin toss, I just walked to the bathroom and I was like, I know it's over and I cried. Then I came back to my seat and there was a new usher and she was like, ma'am, you cannot sit there. And I was like, oh, like I just ignored her. She's like, I'm like, what are you?

She's like, that is not your seat. I'm like, yes, it is. been sitting here the whole game. Oh, let me see her ticket. I'm like, oh, you know, I was like, you need to calm down. And she goes, you need to calm down. It is just a game. And I was like, did you just call the Super Bowl just a game? Like, it's the, like, people use the word Super Bowl to describe things. Like, this was the Super Bowl of weddings, you know, whatever. It ain't just a game. And I was like, oh. This is your team. This is my, this is my team. This was it.

And I was like, I know you worked with the Houston Texans, and this is never going to happen to you. This is a really devastating thing for some of us. You know, I've never, I went through one World Series where it was life or death for me. Like, I just went through it. And after that, I was done. And the rest of them I've gone through because I've bet the games. So that's a different feeling. Right.

But the only time, it's so weird. Like, I was the type of guy if I didn't like something, I'd just let it go. Like, if I don't like the way something felt, I let it go. I was a fan of the Cincinnati Reds. And I was a fan. I hated the fucking Yankees growing up. I would tolerate the Mets. I would tolerate St. Louis because they had Lou Brock.

I would tolerate certain teams. Pittsburgh, I liked, because Roberto Clemente and Manny Sangu, and those guys. But the Red Sox I liked in the American League. So when they had to play each other, I was in hell. And then not only that, my mom was a Red Sox fan So I was really in hell And she knew I was a Cincinnati Red fan So she's Cuban

I knew she would torture me until the end Until the end It would be all fucking offseason And you have no idea She was a professional torture Red Sox on the bed You know red eggs She would fucking torment me, dog

What happened to your fucking team Wow Yeah, oh yeah She had nicknames for all the Reds she liked Tony Perez because my dad had grown up in Cuba with Tony Perez but that was the only thing she liked about the fucking Reds that was it so I knew and I never forget getting out my hands and knees

like going God listen here's the fucking deal if you let the Cincinnati Reds win tonight I will fucking do anything I won't curse I laid it all on the line man because I knew it would be all once they did it I just didn't like that feeling anymore like that was it and then there were games like that I bet that I was cheering for them and I lost money on

but like the biggest pay they ever had was when Joe Montana threw that fucking dart to Dwight Clark at 1981 you know I was a senior in high school really and I won like $880 I had the game and the over and a polo I was like wow

this but that's you know like I've never really loved the team because I thought that If you even wear the jersey on the walk out, it's fucking torture. It was torture. Even if you're in your hometown? Like, that's like, I never even thought about it because in Boston, everyone's buying the jersey when you leave. You've been around me for six years.

I've never had a jersey on. No, I don't even think you're a jersey. I got both longest yard shirts. The longest shot movie I did, the both of them. I took, there was two of them. Like, in case something happened, the one that got ripped. I got both of them. and they're both freeze dry, like in a bag,

with all the air out of it and shit. I got the football pants. I think I took the belt out of the football pants to wear the belt. I don't know what the fuck happened to the belt. Why would you wear the football belt? It's like you can't even wear that with a uniform. They're great belts.

Football belts on jeans are fucking great belts. A white one? What are you nuts? You never wore a football belt with jeans. It's easy on, easy off. I have a belt with a, like, a track system in it so no I don't or anyway now that the

fucking goof not that the goof minute is over with cock sucks I'm just imagining you no I can't imagine walking out of like yeah I had a friend one time and I went to his house he was dating his girl

and I knew this guy for a long time and I went to his house to get drugs or the fuck I was doing and whatever his supposed team was at the time had lost and he had his head on his phone fucking hands and I walked in his girlfriend's like I don't really think he wants to be disturbed I go what are you talking about he's like well you know his team lost I'm like listen get the

fuck you know like yo I need a fucking eight ball of coke he's like man I'm devastated get the fuck up get up before I kick you in the fucking stomach you're devastated get up it's a fucking game you know like I don't see it like that you know like this there's one type of fan And then there's people like you that are fucking die-harts. I respect that. Like my friend George is a Yankee fan. And when the Yankees lose, he's in hell. And when the Yankees win, he's popping champagne over there and having a fucking party.

It's a hard life, you know, it's hard. But you've got to believe in something. I just, I grew up fans of shit. But then his life became life. I was like, I ain't got time to jump up and down for the fucking twins no more. You know what I'm saying? What do you think is worse, Sarah? like a quick, like a walk-off loss or like one that takes a longer.

Because I still remember, I think it was 03 when the Yankees were playing the Red Sox. And Aaron Boone hit that homeowner off Tim Wakefield. So we wouldn't. So like, and that was like, so I always remember stuff like that. I'll always remember David Tyree catching the ball against Tom Brady. Like, is it, is one harder than the other, do you think? Oh, I think they're both. I don't know.

They're pretty equally hard. Especially when you think you're going to win. right now. A loss is a loss man. Listen, when you're a fan or something, I lived in Boulder when the Denver Broncos were going to the Super Bowls and losing. You know, and I still remember

being like my in-laws the first time and they had the chips out. They were Bronco fans. I always liked Elway, so I was kind of cheering for Elway, and they lost. Okay, your team loses the second year in a row. Now you have parties, they can't lose, and they lose

again. You know how many houses I walk out of Denver after their fucking team lost. Then they lose like four Super Bowls they lost. The Broncos, yeah, with John Outwe. Then they ended up winning two later on. He redeemed himself the fuck. How do you think, like, like, Felipe with the Raiders?

Like, now they're doing one of the last couple of years, but before that they had, like, ten years of just being awful. And, like, they still had a great fan base. The Raiders never, like, they never slowed down. You know, like, again, that's what the true meaning of a fan is. You could, you know, you could always tell when the World Series

or the playoffs is on, you see girls are brand new hats on, you know, like baseball hats. My boyfriend invited me to the standard to watch the game, like those fucking dubby chicks, and they're cheering, and they have no idea why they're cheering.

And then you have people that are fucking... Diehard. Nick the tour, they're diehards. This is what they grew up on. You know, Eddie Bravo loves the Cleveland Brown. He's from fucking Los Angeles. You know, the meaning of a fan is not being there when they win.

It's being there all those fucking games when, you know, five, six years when you're getting your ass kicked. Cleveland's a great example. Yeah, Cleveland's a great example. With the Braves, we used to, like, we have extra tickets and we leave them on our windshield. Like, you have two extra tickets, you leave them on the windshield. You come back in there before. Like, nobody went to the game. Where is this?

When I was a Braves fan, when I was a kid, like in the 80s with Del Murphy. Really? What was it like when Bobby Cox retired? Because, like, I'm not looking forward to like Billetton retiring. She can't talk right now. I don't know what to do. I really feel like I have to lay down. Lay down.

Don't worry about nothing. Just don't go for a walk in North Hollywood Park. You're okay? A little bit. Are you okay? I'm okay. All right. If you want to lay down, you're more than welcome to lay down.

They got plenty of water. What else do I got in here? I got fucking 7-up. We'll eat drank all the ginger ale. I got water and more water. And more water. Sarah, you okay? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that whole star fucking killed you. Yeah. Now, let's hook her up here. Let's open the door so she can get some of it. Over here, Sarah. Yeah, I really can't. I'm way too fucked up.

It happens. It happens to all the best of us. I think you need a whole one. I want to be around. Pick up the pieces. Another Monday night here on the church. My girl, she's resting. She's resting like the cops and sea caucus.

When they had a fucking, what's his name? What's that fucking guy's name? I'm good fellas. I don't know. Like cops and see cause. He's telling them, I'm in the Secaucus. I'm resting in the boots. Joe Pesci.

Oh, okay. I'm resting. She's just resting. That's it. She put her head down for five minutes. She just took a little breather and shit like that. I'm happy that she brought up Father's Day. Father's Day was pretty goddamn tremendous this year.

It keeps getting better and better. Do you look forward to it? Um, I didn't believe it was happening. Really? Yeah, like, I don't believe it's happening. Like, I don't believe it's happening. Happy time. You know, I had the pleasure of spending.

two Father's Day with my daughter and then I got divorced and then after that the one year I got a card from her and then after that I would pick her up on Father's Day there would be nothing she wouldn't make a card for me

she'd make it for her husband so for a while there I can't even say I was this chant that would Father's Day I just never really thought about it like just did you force yourself not to

just because it upset you it just it didn't upset me. It was just that my ex-wife didn't make a point to have my daughter come to me and say happy father's day or anything. Like, even if I wasn't with her, I would never get a call from her or nothing. That would never, ever happen. Like, she wouldn't encourage it at all. So now I have a wife that I have a great relationship with, and I have a great relationship with a child. And at daycare, they made pictures every day for a week. She brought home. home shit.

At the daycare, you have to get on the slide with a picture of I Love Daddy. Take a picture and they make a frame and they give it to you for Father's Day. And they do the same for Mother's Day. You know, so I got it on my fucking desk at the house. It's very nice. It's meaningful. Of course, my mom has, you know what a menorah is, right, for Hanukkah? Yeah.

She has one I made. My brother and I made them and I think in like second grade and we still have them. She still has them. It uses them. that must mean a lot you know that's what life is all about when you get older and you look at those little things and you go Jesus Christ

that's who I am like when I was a kid I still remember getting the cigar box and bringing in spaghetti shells and glue them on to the box then you sand down the glue when it hardens like the elmer's glue and then you paint you spray paint the box gold

and then you bring it home to your mom my made your fucking box and jewelry that smells like cigars and spray paint and shit but my mom used it. Yeah. And even when she died I think the thing was upstairs in the attic like I still

remember looking at it going that's who the fuck I am. I made that for you know when I was the second grade in New York City I'll never forget it. I'll never forget all little things you made but no there was no encouragement in my first marriage. Right. And even the father's day that she was

around for was she was the first one, she was three, four months old, and the second one. She was maybe 15 months old. 14 months old. Right. So, yeah. It's nice, but you don't really get to experience it. I didn't really experience it

with her. So, and like I said, after that, I was shut out. So years later, when I remarried now, now, they celebrate it. You know, they surprised me in the morning. They make a bunch of noise. they jump on the bed and the whole fucking deal. So it is very nice.

You know? It's taken four years for me to sink in that I'm a dad. You do know that. What happened the other three years? What was going on? I just walked around like somebody in a fucking house or two women who live in the house with it. Like it's sunken in.

Like there's times I walk around. And I'm like, maybe I have another family. And this is like my side family. Like I got to leave here. Because when I go do comedy, I'm like, I'm like, Maybe they think I got like a side family. And this ain't really my family. Would that make it easier for you to deal with you?

Like, okay, that's what I should be doing. Not in reality, but like, because it's so nice. Well, what's going on in my life right now has never happened before. I mean, I've had happy situations and happy times. But nothing like this. It's surreal every time I lock the door behind me in that house. Between the cats, my wife and my daughter, it's fucking. and surreal. Like, this isn't really happening.

Like, this is not happening. That's how fucked up humans are. To see my wife who she is today is completely different. And to see who she is with this little girl that just fell out of her

pussy one day is completely different. Okay, to have this little child in my house and I've got to hide my weed and I got to watch what's in my desk and I got to watch my language and I always got somebody watching me now. I always got somebody saying something to me or coming to get me. Like, I can't

really sink my teeth into anything when she's around. Like, my life has changed completely. Like, I was writing comedy that day. I fucked up. She came in the room, took the pen and started writing right over the jokes. What do you what am I doing? Grab the pen from

her, I'm telling now, what am I right? I'm not writing nothing. That's going to life change anybody. That's what it is to be. And then, yeah. Yeah, that's what part of it is. So, this This has all been a new fucking experience for me, man. Is it like, I know you love it,

but are you, it's, are you scared or like, like, when you say it's like, what, what is, I'm not scared, not at all,

I'm all in. I love it. I love it because I never had this growing up, what's going on right now. Like I say prayers before we eat now. I don't say them,

she says. A little girl says prayers now. And God forbid, you, taste the fucking food before she says prayers, I dig. What does she do? She just goes bananas on you. She's like, hey, man, put your fork down.

I haven't said prayers yet, you know, something like that. Whatever the fuck she says, who knows? But that's, my life has completely changed. Like, I never thought I would acquire a family like that. Even when I did have that family, it vanished within my hands. So I only thought I had one chance at it. Now, not only they get a second chance, but it's way better and way strong than the family I had before. Like, I was just living with a woman with a child before.

Okay. This is a complete different thing. This is a support system. This is a partnership. You've been with your wife for a long time. 18 years and two months. But there was, like, between the time when you left Colorado and had mercy, like, what were your, like, when, Father's Day would come around?

Would you be angry? Would you be sad? What would... What was this time of your life? I wouldn't really think about it. Not at all? No, I wouldn't really think about it. When I did think about it,

I would feel bad. I would feel bad. Not that she didn't reach out, but that nobody encouraged her to reach out. I felt bad for how small her mind must have been to not have your child reach out to her dad. no matter how you feel about that person.

Do you know what I'm saying? So, till this day, I'm still in shock about human nature. I don't know much about the moon. I don't know much about the stars. I don't know much about a lot of things. But I do know human nature because I've gone through a lot of different things and a lot of different people

and I've seen their reactions. I never in my life could imagine that my divorce would be that messy that my divorce would end up with me not lose them. I never thought that at all. I was under the impression when I separated that I would always be in her life. Then about three weeks later, it started to shift.

Did she tell you, did you guys have an agreement and it started shifting? Yeah, we had an agreement, and she understood, and you do this, and you pay for this. And that was the agreement, and it lasted maybe 90 days. then it all went down. And for maybe two years, I believed that I could change it.

And then, but deep down inside, I knew I had lost grips on this, that I was just, and then I said, even though I know this, let me go back and look at this again. Maybe I'm looking at it from a different perspective. And that's when I moved back to Boulder in 93, in October, 93, and I stayed there until June of 95. I'm coming up July 1st, I think it'll be 22 years maybe. Yeah, 22 years since I left Bowler for Ogden, Utah to start my triple run. But a car packed up.

So where did you put all your stuff? Well, I was going to go back to this apartment in September. That was the plan. I was leaving July. I was going to be gone one month of July and the whole month of August. That was the plan. But when I got to Seattle, there was a comedy scene up there that I had never seen before. Not that I had the experience as a comedian that I knew what the vast scenes were like.

But it was different from Denver. It was a lot better than Denver at that time. Seattle had more going on comedically for different levels of comedy. A lot of one-nighters that paid you, you know, which was that. that helps. $75 in the Tuesday night. That helps, you know. A couple 75s, a couple hundreds.

You have a day job. You're not doing so bad. You're not fucking hanging out with, you know. The Rockefellers. Yeah, but you're not doing too bad. As a comedian, you keep your overhead low. You get a $5,000 car and change the all. Keep the tie is good.

You know, you don't really. That's what you do at that level as a comic. Once you start co-headlining and stuff and you have your insurance with your job and everything, then you, whatever. Some people do it a different way. You know, everybody has their own, this is an arts. Everybody has their own fucking journey of doing things. So what happened? So you went to Seattle and just decided to stay?

Is that what's happened? No, when I got to Seattle, I was overwhelmed with comedy. I got to Seattle on a Saturday. And by the following Friday, I had a weekend to work. Like, it was that fast. like I was featuring for John Fox who was one of the biggest bookers in the area at that time

so within a week I got in with John Fox and he what area did he have he had Moscow Idaho Moscow Idaho who was the quarterback in Boston in New England before Brady Bledsoe

that's what Bledsoe was going to school Oh shit okay I would see Bledsoe at the airport there and I'd see him so Bledsoe was going to school there at Boise State or one of those he went to Idaho State whatever is in Moscow Idaho

there's a college there so that was the first weekend I did that to me meant the world as a headliner no feature act okay that to me meant the fucking world just to go out there and feature for I think it was a hundred bucks a show and he mailed you a check

I was okay with that as long as I had work. Then like the following week, I got work from this Cuban guy, Alberto. Then the following I got work from this other woman, Pat. And then I got work from Donna Richards. And then there was this other lady who passed away. I forget what the name was Ron Reed's wife. You know, they all had all this work. All together, they probably had three months of work. So every three months, you just rotate it again. You know, those clubs, those kind of clubs, they expect that they don't get your role. Bill Burr or Mark Married.

Right. Like local guys. And there's a like a market for that for people who just want to see. It's like going to a bar and there just happens to be comedy. So it doesn't matter that it's not a big name.

Okay, no other places like Studio City. Right. All right. So let's pretend you have Everett Washington. Okay. Everett Washington is a regular city. You know, whatever, medium size. they have a bar up there

on a Wednesday night at 9 they do comedy do they advertising the paper they advertise in the local paper now in all those places there's local comedy boughs and they go watch live comedy

okay like the people you would perform for you'd go back six months later and they'd be there and this is what they did every Wednesday night that town was small enough there was one movie theater you know I'm just

saying. I just threw out the name Everett. Right, yeah. But I'm talking about places in Wyoming, places in, you know, Washington State. That's, you know, if it's not Seattle or Tacoma, you really don't know about them. Well, you've talked about, like, the

comedy clubs are in hotels. I went to one of those in, like, upstate New York a couple times. But it's just, I just went along because I was with adults, but to me as a comedy fan, maybe because comedy's so huge now, I always just look for the bigger names. I don't think about, oh, let's go see

just these people who randomly happen to be here. Well, there's two trains of thought. If you're a comedy fan, you're a comedy fan. Absolutely. If names come in, you go see names. But if you're, how many times if I come to you and say,

I'm going to Montana next week? Yeah, I know, unless you're a big theater act, you don't go to Montana. You know, there's no real comedy clubs in Montana. I don't think. I'm just, you know, so, But there's little cities. There's Billings, like Billings.

Billings used to have like a holiday inn or something. That was beautiful. And you did comedy downstairs on Friday nights. And it would pack up. It was Friday and Saturday, one show night. It would pack up. I still remember the place in my head if I closed my eyes. There's comedy buffs.

And they go and they ask questions. They look at your resume. Been seen on SVU. They'll come down there and ask me. what episode were you on? I've watched all of them, and you tell them. I've been on the one when the mechanic, and then the guy picked up the car,

and there where I was as a mechanic, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You had a winter jacket, yeah, that's me. That to them, that contact, even though I was just, I had three lines, that's it. That's Hollywood? That's Hollywood.

So do you understand? I'm trying to say to you, like, I remember being in Boulder and being the MC at the bold of the broker and comics would come in and they'd give me their list of credits and I'd read the credits

and fucking my head would blow up and then afterward I'd pull them aside and said you were really on this? Yeah, some guys were really fucking on these shows. Some guys were really not on these shows. Some guys were an extra

on the show. Okay, at least. Some guys shot something and they got cut out and they still used their credit. Hey, that counts, but people would just lie. People would just be like, hey, well, you couldn't really check, I guess. Well, listen, it's like when I go on stage. The emcee comes over to me and he goes, what do you want me to say? I remember being an emcee and comics broke my balls all the time.

I don't like it. So now I don't break comics balls. You know what I say to? Say whatever the fuck you want to say. I know as an emcee, you looked at my resume. Don't say something. I didn't do. Don't go up there and say this guy's been

seen on this, this, and this, and I've never been on there. That burns me up. Tell him whatever. I don't tell him dick. I'd rather you just tell him, uh, this guy works every weekend. Joey Diaz, boom, and I'm pretty fucking good with that. Your name is kind of hard to mispronounce, but has anyone ever done it? Has anyone been like

Joey Diaz? Oh, I don't give a fuck about that, son. None of that stuff bothers you? Some people lose their mind. when you work with them and you either fuck up their credits or you fuck up their name. Right. I don't take it that personal

because no matter what that person says, I still got to do talking on the stage. Right. I still got to go up on that fucking stage so they could say I'm fucking Johnny Carson's best friend. Right. If I go up then I suck ass.

What good is Johnny Carson? Who gives the fuck it? Then now they're going to go and then I went to this bar and Johnny Carson's best friend down there The worst comedian I've ever seen in my fucking life But how was it hard for you to remember Like headliners

Because I was just laughing Thinking about you Because you have a great memory For dates and numbers But just something about names And after trying to like Remember a 20 minute set I think it'd be hard for anybody

To remember someone else's name And their credits Well this is what I do Are you ready? Okay Okay You burn your bridge as you get to it Okay

I don't need to talk to the headliner before I go on stage Not at all I shake his hand Now look him in the eye I'll come back and get your credits later So right away I know his name but I don't even give a fuck about his credits Maybe I saw him on something

So I at least know one of the three credits Okay? Okay, got you And I go and I worry about the feature act And I go and he tells me and we talk a little bit And blah blah blah blah and I go up there and I do my 15 minutes and I drop the fucking Featurex name and his credits and I focus on that.

Now, what do I got to focus on? The headline is name. So I don't talk to the headline until after I bring the feature up. Again, why put step B? Do you make that mistake before you? Absolutely. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And they come at you with a laundry list. Oh, look at this. comics or come at you with a laundry list of credits like when you're in small places yeah make sure make sure you tell him i was the cook in sesame street and the video on youtube like they'll take the fucking credit personally so you better say it right if you say it wrong bro they go into you after they get off stage i would never go off off but people have done it i think it's hard enough what we do

without a headliner going off. I think in the beginning a couple headlines that said shit to me. Like on triple runs, a couple of them would say shit to me that I never saw again, so it didn't really fucking matter. We never cross-pass again. But besides that, nah. Is it a frustrating?

I mean, what do you, like, how, what is it like when you don't have any cardets? I mean, you talked about it a little bit, but for the first seven, eight years, especially if you're not doing it in LA, you must have nothing. Well, you do colleges, you open up for certain people. Okay.

So I'm an emcee at the Comedy Works, and I'm a good MC. Right. You know, I'm one of the best MCs that Comedy Works have. They have four of them. I was there the week Kevin Hart walked in. Guess what? I just opened for Kevin Hart. Okay, so when they announced he just opened for Kevin Hart.

Yeah. You see how it works? It's how you look at it. You talk how it's perceived. You're not lying. I would never lie about the credit. You know why? Because I got a ton of them.

I got a ton of them. I don't give a fuck about them. They don't do nothing for me. But there's people that use certain things and they use it. You follow me? Like a publicist will take that and spin that. And it's a genius move, but it's a bad payoff. Is it like going from like that?

one scene in SVU to being a serious regular on SVU. No, no, no, no, no, no. His mind-boggling performance. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you turn it on and he gets shot in the fucking neck. After he says, stop,

bam. And you thought you were going to see him as like a cop. He had the whole episode. You follow me? And he's like an extra barely? I know people who have been extras on shows. Like I've gone up to him and said, what episode is where you are?

Because I watch that show. And they would go, no, no, let me tell you what happened. My friend was the director on there. And if you watched that episode, there's a cop, I'm that cop. I didn't have any lines, but fuck, I still use it as a credit. Do I judge them? No. Do I say something?

No. Would I do it? No. I would never do it. I wanted my credits to be fucking legit. Yeah, especially. So my first credit was a pilot, really. Okay, but it was real.

I couldn't really use it because nobody would see it until the show got picked. Yeah, I would say This guy, I was featuring stuff This guy just shot a pilot for CBS Who gives a fuck? You know, when you're in fucking Mobile Alabama, who gives a fuck? Yeah, when you get all people

come up to you and say, you shot a pilot for CBS? Yeah, I did, but you'll never fucking see it Never got picked up. So who gives a fuck? And then you have credits that are just real. So I had the pilot for CBS

then I got a Taco Bell commercial with the dog that I could use or not use. Like if I use that as a credit, I'd be lying to you. Because if you blink, you miss me in that video. That was the biggest pay day I ever made in my life for a tenth of many of a millennieth of the second of my face on this video. But would you use it until you had better credit?

Yeah, yeah. When I went on the road to smaller venues, I used it. You can see this guy in the Taco Bell commercial with the dog. And people come up to me and say, which one? I go, the one with Miami. I'm shining the guy's shoes. Jesus. That's it.

And I was thinking about this today. It's weird how that stuff sort of just comes. As you've talked about how sticking it out matters and just being there and doing your work. Like, it's weird how I was thinking about I've been in the life for almost seven years. and I like I'm like the Vicky Paz I just like there's people that I know here now that I could go to if I needed help with something or I don't know where to get this I could like it just sort of happens even though I hate

the word networking it just sort of happens I would imagine even even though all you want is credits and you can't get them they just sort of if you're here for long enough that just sort of happen if you hear long enough anything happens you know you know I was talking to one of the waitress at the store and I'll fill you in people on something that you may not know and I'll tell you and I'm not ashamed to tell you when I booked the movie basketball I had no idea what they

were talking about to the set people and if you think I'm lying to you I don't give a fuck what you think I bumped my way into that audition when in there I said the line I listened to what the lady said to me and what she wanted, and I read it just how she wanted, and I went home. And a couple days later, they called, and I will still not have people. I hadn't taken an acting class at that time. I knew nothing. I knew what you know when you're watching TV and you see certain things, and all of a sudden, sometimes you'll watch HBO and they're shown behind the scenes or something, and you'll see the cameras.

That's what I knew. I never shot Dick. Dick, I shot a fucking college film at the University of Colorado. The Taco Bell commercial really wasn't no lines. I was just shining shoes. I was getting my shoes shined. And the pilot, I was just behind the bar, and I had two lines. This was the first time I had to be funny in a movie with basketball, like not funny, funny,

but this was the first time, like, that people said, to me go on your marks guys I had no idea what the fuck that meant and I'll tell you what that means what you do is when you get to the set they go go out there rehearse and block

and you rehearse a little bit and they say that's what you're going to stand the air and they put the camera there they put an X on the floor with tape so let's say me you and Sarah Tiana in this movie you'll be red tape I'll be yellow tape and Sarah will be green tape so when you want

walk into the scene you have to step on that tape yeah so they you're always in the same place that's where you're the mark so that's what the mark is people at home i didn't know what a mark was i kept standing they kept going stand on your mark and i would go and laugh like and they finally had a come and bodily move me into the fucking mark and like those two brothers that directed that movie were like famous and i was eating dog shit in front of man and tray no no the other guys oh wait Matt and Trey wrote the movie. Oh, I'm sorry. But somebody else did the movie.

They was directed by somebody else. I knew nothing. And then after that movie, I ate so much ass on that movie that I went and took an acting class. That's when I finally decided to take an acting class. Like I listened to Dice and a bunch of other people. And I went to this guy, Frank Magna,

and he was on Monday nights. He was on Gardner. On Gardner and Sunset. If you go on the other side of Go, Gardner with the Thai places. Okay. Behind there is Gardner Studios across the street. There's like a

red house acting house. He had an acting class on Monday nights. I was so embarrassed from basketball that I paid $125 to sit with him on Monday nights. I would go at 6 and leave at 9 and go do spots.

So he would put my scene up first and then I had an idea now. I had an idea. So for not making that mistake again, after, if you really noticed my career, after basketball, I disappear from film.

If you look at IMDB, I think it's like a two or three year absence. I did so bad in basketball that I was so fucking embarrassed that every Wednesday I would go to 7-11 on Curzon and Sunset Strip and I would buy the backstage. All right? And I would go home, leave it home, and I would pull a bunch of headshots out, resumes. And I would go out Wednesday, do comedy. And whatever time I got home, no matter how coaxed out I was, I would sit there and handwrite letters.

And I would mail them out early Thursday. So they would get them Friday, and I would have an audition Saturday. I had a time. It was perfect because they don't have a big budget. So I would audition on Saturdays. And for like a yearly, I ate shit on other people. people's movies, but it didn't matter because nobody was going to see them. So how do you think you got the first few things that you did, just off a block?

No, I studied this book called auditioning. I forget who the author is. I bought this book, and I also went to another acting class. I left Frank Magnin. I went to Ivana Chubbock. And then this guy came in called Christian Kaplan. He was VP of casting for Fox. a great little gay guy, great guy, just tremendous guy, and he did a cold reading workshop, which is really your focus. If you could cold read, you could act your fucking ass on. So cold reading is when you've never seen it before, I think?

Cold reading is when I give it to you and tell you, you've got three hours to have it prepared. Oh, you get three hours, okay. Let's pretend. Sometimes you get ten hours, sometimes I'll call you right now. What time is eight o'clock and go, they want to see at whatever studios, and at 11 o'clock guess what? That means you have to do your spot and fucking

go home and study your sides. So that's what right now you would get an audition. So that's how it works out. And then you have that time. That's called cold reading. And what the cold reading workshop does is it makes you break down the character,

get your choices together, and how to walk into the room, how to approach this audition. There's a plan. A man without a plan is not a man. That attaches to everything, even auditioning. So you see a lot when you look at a script then. It's just not, so you do a lot of work.

You get three pages. Okay. So you get three, four pages, maybe ten pages is the most I ever got. All right, you get three scenes. The sucky thing is that you'll study all three scenes, backwards and forwards, and you'll get there, and they go, you're only doing scene one and three. Do they do that to fuck with you? So let's say you're shooting a fucking, like, you got nothing.

If you look at my resume, there was this movie I shot called You Got Nothing. It had a couple C stars in it. That was the biggest role I had ever gotten at the time. So the audition, they wanted to see me in three different scenes. Okay. So they wanted to see me as like a tough guy and like a nice guy and like something else. So the audition was three scenes. All right, so you have to learn how to audition.

So that's what I did. I took all my chances with those three. fucking stupid movies. I didn't even I know that half of them never even ended up on my MDB. I did a movie about thieves at a fucking valet

that we were valet guys and we would take your keys and look at your registration and while you were eating dinner, we'd rob your house. That's a good idea. Or send money people to your house and shit. That's how they rob houses. I did one of those. It was these Chinese camera dudes that flew in, they flew in

from the film school in Hong Kong. I went to the premiere. It was for our feet. I never saw a movie where they shot more feet. They showed our feet getting into the car, getting out of the car, walking up the fucking stairs. I never saw nothing like that in our fucking life. I did that one.

I did another movie about a fucking English bank robber. They showed her feet. Yeah, they showed my feet throughout the whole movie. They showed my face one time. Three nights of shooting in the fucking in the valley somewhere. in one of these places and one of these valet styles So we had to do all our things

So that was the good thing From like 2 a.m. to 6 a.m. or so. 2 a.m. to 7 and fucking 3 nights and my own clothes So I would go right to the comedy store There that's how I would eat You had a valet uniform laying around? They would have, I think they had a red shirt

I had to wear black pants With a white shirt I did that movie I did fucking you got nothing Which was a SAG movie It was low budget And they flew us to Sacramento and back and all that stuff.

By that time, I had it down. Okay. Because after I did that thing with Christian Kaplan, I took another workshop from another casting director. The guy that casted Godfather 2 and Donnie Brasco and a bunch of movies. That's the one I speak about with, I did that one with Brian Cowan. Okay. And this was 2000.

That's how long I know Brian Callan. 2000. And at UCLA, it was a cold reading workshop with this fucking guy. And guess what? I still have the paperwork from that fucking audition from that night. So they were good workshops? Oh, my God. All those workshops.

I break down every audition the same way with the paperwork from that workshop. There must be some actors who listen to this. And we talked about it a year or two ago. There have been some workshops run by casting agents who have been, like, forcing people to basically pay. for auditions. Did you ever run into any of that? Yes. Yes.

Yes. Oh, no. I told him to go fuck themselves. Well, what did they ask you for? Because there's a different side of Hollywood. There's a different side of Hollywood that appeals to a certain person and they don't talk to anybody. And they don't understand the basics. Let me close the door.

I just want my girl to get some hands. Yeah, I think the AC's on. Oh, she's nodding her head, though. She's alive. Thank you. I just started spinning. I started going back in the head. I saw the whole thing go down.

Oh, beautiful. Take some time. See, there's two sides of Hollywood. And here's the beauty of it. We're comedians. Sarah and myself are comedians. So we land in town. We go to open mics.

One day you end up at the economy store, the improv and the laugh factory. You sign with a manager, and your manager says you have to get into acting classes. They blow smoke up your ass and tell you there's that one. You go to the comedy store and you walk up to Sam Tripley and you go, where'd you go? You walk up to Ari.

You walk up to this guy, that guy. And they'll tell you about different acting teachers. The classes are on Tuesday, so there's no problem if you fly in on Monday. You know, there's a lot of acting teachers that teach on Thursday. That does me no good because two Thursdays a month I got to miss that shit. But I was very fortunate. Like, I didn't buy into the hype. There's a certain hype that's in this town when you first get here.

And I got to be honest with you people at home. A lot of people fall for it, hook line and sinker. People spend thousands of dollars here. And the result is horrible. Because they'll keep you in these acting classes. They're like cults. And they follow the teacher or something? Well, no, no.

The teacher will start. sign you for, you know, month to month, okay? Come on in, leave, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Do you have an agent? Yes, I do. Okay, so you're going on auditions. Yeah, okay, perfect.

So now what happens is when you go to an acting class, it's like anything else. It's like me taking a private juditual class. It's like you go to a basketball camp. Okay. Your focus becomes tighter at that thing. You know, when you go to an acting class, you work a muscle.

You work a certain muscle every week, okay? So do you know how an acting class works? No, I'm never going to win. You sit down, and all of a sudden they go Lee, they look at you, and they go Lee, what do you do? I'm a drummer, but I'm an actor also. What kind of roles have you done, Lee? I've been a plumber.

I was a Latin lover. I was this and that. All right. The teacher gets up and hands you a scene from a movie. It could be one of the movies that you've seen

or one that you haven't seen. And then they'll hand me a scene and go, Joey, you paired up with Lee, introduce yourself. You guys are going to read the scene from lethal weapon when they go to get the hooker

and they blow up the house. Gotcha. Okay, that's what you do in acting class. You do know that, right? So they just go scenes. You and I have to get together during a week on our own and rehearse like three or four days. We have to rehearse this scene. How many times?

Whatever it takes for it to be verbatim, an off book. And then we got to go in the top of the class the following week and go on stage and do it. And you have to critique and you write it down and it gives you another scene and you move on and you go on and on and on and that. That's a continuing circle of it. and then when you get a, when you have an audition, you get a private with the guy if he's not too expensive. And what he does with you is he breaks the script down for you, the audition down for you.

He breaks your character down for you. He tells you where to make the stops and where to take the, what's that, poses, where to take the pauses. I'm sorry, where to take the pauses, where to look somewhere, where to take a beat. once he puts that together you rehearse that for hours

just like that so when you go in the room nothing could throw you off and how often does that work like because all the time really even if I fucking take you tomorrow listen to me and if you say to me you doubt me

I could prove to you because I have done it I was a comic I was doing comedy maybe nine years 10 years and within the acting classes my acting muscle twitched and dog I was getting auditions

that were fucking huge auditions and the surprise was I was going into these rooms and reading with the people and hanging I was in these rooms and hanging with people you know I forget what role

I was in up for Get Shorty not get Shorty the sequel to Get Shorty I was up for that role I was up for fucking I could tell you The guy died while they were shooting a movie that did the movie. He was a great actor.

I met him on the Chas Perman Terry movie I did. I did a bunch of movies at the Chas Permanentery movie. I had two lines in that movie. I got to jump in the ocean. You know, I got to throw somebody in the ocean or something like that. I learned all those, like I got those movies early on. But it was after my audition game was tight. I started comparing my auditioning game to,

stand-up comedy. What was I doing every night, Lee, in those days? From 97 Lee to 2005, what did I do every night? Stand-up? Well, how long were the sets? 15 minutes. What are they in contrast to? A scene.

Okay. So once I correlated the scene from the movie, I put myself going up on stage and doing that scene. with an audience. So it would take away the fear. So in my mind, I was walking into auditions, like I was walking onto a stage. That loose. You know when you come see me?

Within the first three minutes, Lee already knows. I'm going to have a mediocre set, a good set or I'm going to eat a bag of dicks. Lee already knows. Lee already knows. Lee could already call it. At the four-minute mark, Lee could already go.

He's going to have a bad set. I'm going to go get a drink. You already should know. You already know when I'm having a bad set, I throw out some old material and I bail myself out. Why? Because I'm loose. Okay.

If I walk into that stage loose, you and I both know, we got a problem. I'm going to go off for 10 minutes and then we're going to regain and then I'm going to go out here for another 10 minutes and I'm going to get on stage and have a good set. That's just a natural. When I start thinking about shit, doubting myself, when the pace isn't ready,

You ever see me when my pace isn't right? Yeah. It's a slow bag of fucking debt. So I trained myself to kind of do what, what's his name does, which is really weird. What's the guy that makes you walk on colds? Oh, Tony Robbins. So when Tony Robbins sells or he wants to achieve something, he wants you to think of something, he wants you to have a trigger. Okay, so you could unleash that power.

Okay. It was the same thing. I learned how to have a trigger on stage and if like Saturday in the main room the trigger was right on I knew when I fucking said the first line that they were in trouble and I knew they weren't going to like me

I was going to just smack them around like Leonard Skinner in Oakland in 78 77 so I started translating stand-up into auditions well like for you we talk about the store those 50 minutes are the best when you're attacking them and like not not being mean but going at them

do can't because if we're auditions it's probably two or three people in a room same thing same thing I took that energy for 180 people and I pointed that fucking three people from the minute I go in there I'm uncle Joey did it like freak those three people out freak him out I walk in fucking what's happened everything all right here was going on

blah blah blah right there I could feel it If they go, you ready to go? Yeah. As soon as they go, Slate. You know what Slate is? So, yeah, the lapboard. I look at the camera, and they look at me. Guess what I always do.

I always turn like a convict. So right then and there, I bust them. So if they laugh, you know, you got them? I got them. Even if they don't laugh, I'm controlling the audition. You understand when you're trying to say to you? They didn't tell me not to do it. I did it.

even when they tell me sometimes you don't need to do that i look them straight in the face like i want to give them the full effect and they just look at me and freeze that means i control the situation that's the biggest thing in an audition controlling the situation and listening to them to the tea because you know when they start to like you now they're cheering for you to get the job they're telling you to do and you have to switch it up because that tape is watching you and what it's watching is to see if you could take orders and a double that director doesn't want to waste this time with people that can't switch it up quick so once she likes you she's going to do me a favor read it but read it a little slower come in from a different angle and then you'll read it and she'll make you read it again

but this way what she's doing to you is see if you could take direction. You could listen to direction and to find details of her words. That's why listening is the most important

thing in that audition room, which I mastered in that because I knew I only had one shot. And if the director wasn't in the room, he saw that I could take on tape. Another thing I was telling that girl, I was so bad at auditioning

that my hand would shake with the papers in it. Have you ever seen a man's hand shake? It makes, so I would try to... Yeah, it happens to me all. the time. I would try to read. And I'd be reading,

and this is what you would hear in the background. If that happened, I failed. Like when I read for the Sopranos, like the first four times, my hand was like that. I think the last time my hand wasn't like that. So is that why you try to memorize it?

So you don't have to... You always have to memorize it, but you use that for centering you. You never want to go away from that. That is your script. So you want to be centered. You know, If you know it to the now, this is the chance you're taking.

Okay, now hear me out. A lot of people act as that listen to this and I go, Joe, you don't have to fucking talking about. What if you walk into that audition with those sides, how are you doing the executive producer? What up? What up? And they go, do you want to read this or do you want to read this per diem or do you want to read this off the sides? And you go, no, I know my lines. And you put them down.

Okay? there's a camera on in front of you and I'm gonna tell you something as a man I'm gonna tell you something I've been in front of a thousand audiences and every time I've walked into audition and I put those sides down

god damn it do I fuck up the first line so guess what happens now the camera sees you go off camera to get the lines I never want to be off camera because even if I'm not reading I'm doing fucking things I'm doing things

I'm scratching my nose I'm scratching under my chin I'm giving the camera my eyebrows I'm fucking with that camera so that guy behind that camera that watches that tape is getting the full effect of me that's just terrible

so I always want to be in front of that camera when did you think about that one that one why do I always hold my lines and the cameras right there where the bong is my sides are right here I can't see these now now I got away glasses which means I got to go into auditions knowing my shit.

Right. Because once I put the glasses on I lose the audition. I don't know. Yes. You think so? The dog. Every time I go into an audition,

I don't know the lines, and I got to use my glasses. I don't get the call. You don't want to get LASIC? It's going to work for two hours. Once I eat 1,200 milligrams of these stars, the LASIC undoes itself. That night we did the acid with R.

You see, he's wearing glasses again, right? Remember he walked on here like, Jesus with no glasses on? You pumped his laser. Yeah, we did the acid and the 1,200 milligrams, the laces disappeared. He's been wearing glasses again. All right. Never mind.

So, yeah, that's the deal with that. Let me give some shoutouts real quick here. Oh, my God. What are you? Oh, my God, Lila. I'm a little high, too. Ray Cunningham, Kenneth Snodgrass, Carolyn Seibel, Lorenzo, Toledo, Andrew, Nondale, Rusty, Shackle. Porter B,

Stu, and Robert Plunkett, plus a special thank you to my man up in Seattle, Greg Powers, and this beautiful little Asian princess. They donate some money to a family in El Salvador and the church of what's happening now's name. I want to thank this guy. These guys have been loyal church members for years. If I go to Seattle, if I ever get the warrant,

I can go to the house. They have to come down to Portland and see me. There's always drama. It's raining. But I want to give them a special shout out because they did show up. I want to also apologize. We had the two bags of stars here. We're talking about Boston.

Sarah opened up the blue bag with the, not the purple ones. And I thought she understood when I said, just eat a little piece. She ate the whole thing, and things got to start getting. I can see her eyes fucking up by the minute. So she's okay, half and a half. And it's weird. It's scary to you when you see something. somebody's eyes going.

It happened with the Spanish girl. Ada. But you laugh when you see it happening to me. I just see you giggle. I can't giggle out. No, no, no. When it happens to her, you're very nice. When it happens to me, you let you give me another star.

Fuck you. You deserve it. You don't do dick. You wouldn't do dick. You'd be at home right now eating Cheetos if not. I'm trying to get you out of the house. You can do something with your life. I've experienced this fucking thing.

If not, you wouldn't smoke dope. You'd be sitting home with that poor girl yelping restaurants. in Fismo Beach for fucking the vacation you're gonna take God knows when it sounds like a blast

I love Cheetos yeah you'd be at home fucking dying right now you're lucky you're here of course you make a little

fucking scratch you get to hang out with Sarah Tiana right now I wasn't complaining I was just saying it's Sarah it's very nice

it shows a different side of you and other people deal with it Sarah's on the couch I'm sitting here four feet from I feel like Cosby

you know what I'm saying Like, there's a woman on your couch. What do you do? He just watch TV. Poor Cosby got off that cock suck. I knew he was going to get off. You thought you think so? Yeah.

They're going to go back, I think. Then I go back. It's over. That's it. Those poor women get nothing. Cosby got away with it because of celebrity. Six people. There were six people who just wanted more evidence, I guess.

I don't know. So six people? Yeah, there was deadlocked. It was deadlocked. Oh, I thought it was just like one person. And maybe. It was a mistrial. Was it not?

Well, yeah. I think it was, but I didn't look into it. Me neither. I just looked. I just knew. I knew there was going to be a by the way involved. I knew that he had hired, you know, he's got more money than God, Doug. He don't give a fuck.

He could hire, uh, what's his name? Whoever. He can bring a Jew back. Yeah. He could bring a Jew back. He could cut a deal with the church to bring a Jew back. The best attorney of all times. three of them, and they were going to find the loophole.

And they found it, and God bless him. I ain't madame. This is what it's all about. This is what it means to have money in this country and get in trouble. At least you create a, you create a doubt, you know. And it's scary to think, though. Like, for those of us who don't have Bill Cosby money. No, I know.

What are you going to do? That's what happens. Money talks and bullshit walks, my friend. You know, he had a high power. fucking team. He had to hire a PR firm. He did a bunch of things. That cost him a little bit. He went blind

all of a sudden. Well, he went, come on, are you kidding me? Tomorrow, watch him tomorrow. He's on a boat on his way to fucking no more hope. Nobody's holding his arm. That shit's all over. He had to pay those people to hold him. That poor girl from the Cosby's was holding his arm walking around.

They had to give her like 50 fucking Gs doing that shit. You don't think it's really, don't think he's blind? No. He ain't fucking blind. That was his, that was his defense. That was his plan B. If they had to get, you know, we're going to keep him out, keep him out,

pay a fucking, whatever, to pay the bail, to keep him out, and then, you know, whatever, it goes away. They give her another envelope, and it goes away. That was plan B. He was never going to do time.

That's Bill Cosby, guys. Unless you found the murder weapon in his fucking head. He allegedly did it to how many women? Wasn't it like 30 or something? And only one came through that could get him even into a fucking courtroom. A lot of those people, he paid off. He, listen, God bless him, what are you going to do? What the fuck are you going to do?

So how was Mooney? I watched for about 10 minutes. He's still great. He's still, one of my adults. one of the guys that kicked the door in for me. I mean, I had to follow him for maybe two years. So I would have to sit and watch him because in those days he didn't have a time limit.

So you didn't know when he was going to be done? No. So I would sit there for 40 minutes and watch them. And when you watch, that's that free at the level I was at, it opens up your mind. It's like when I was at the six-year level and I saw Doug Stanhope in Seattle, it was mind-boggling.

There's sometimes you see a comic that's not the funniest person in the world, but what he's saying and the chances he's doing opens up your mind. That's why when you first do comedy, it's important that you go see as much live comedy as you can because that's the real way to learn in the beginning, while you're learning. So even though you probably annoyed you, do you think that's why Mitzie did that to you? So you would have to sit there and watch him? No, Mitzie made me follow him so I could fucking learn. That's how you learned. You know, I would go up there with fucking hokey-doke material and die a slow dick. And then I would look the schedule and I would follow him every fucking night.

So I figured out finally that by that time, people had heard everything. So I got this concept that I was just going to go up and follow Paul Mooney. Number one, not get, like, I would go up there and go, keep it going for Paul Mooney, and put the microphone in and go, how am I going to follow that? I lost. It was a psychological game. go how am I going to follow that right away and then I would sit there and go

so what do you guys want to talk about boom dead sorry good night get the fucking birds chirping pretty soon because they're gonna they're about to start chirping then I figured out I had to come in there and erase his memory

that's hard to do how because he would do longer than 15 minutes right so I would go up there and go out my first three minutes where blood pressure over 200 eyeballs popping out of my face red face and I would just go yelling and scream

and it was funny my material I was saying was funny I learned how to just go up there quick suck them in and then from there on that a cappella with is that when you started doing the thing where you would have people get you kind of frustrated before the show like so you could have

like a red face that was all in the same process of people frustrating me that was all in the same process you just learn little triggers and stuff like that but that's it's weird how I took the stand-up and the acting at that point people come to this town

they come with a credit card some people stumble upon a great acting coach like I did early on that showed me good basics and then I had a freelance coach a black guy that was sensational he was sensational like every time I used them

I went to producers did I book the role no but they put my head shot up on the wall and in those days I was going in for big time movies Lee I was going in for big time movies and I would watch those movies and go I lost a role to that guy I don't feel too fucking bad like I went in for that movie three times I don't feel too bad I was in the run it so even though he didn't get you the job you would keep going back for the privates Yeah, why not? The percentages raised every time I pay them $25.

Okay. You know, if it, if a 25, listen, all that stuff is percentages. All I wanted in those days was for them to put my headshot up on the wall. That was my mindset. I never went for booking the movie. There was 15, 20 movies, 10-sheet TV shows I went in for, that all I wanted was for them to put my head shot on the wall. What does that mean for me to disrupt casting a little bit?

Like, what about this guy? He gave us a great audition. Right. And for years, I lost out. We had Steve Runner's Easy in here. Okay. The advice I gave Steve Runner's Easy because was what I had gone through. For two years, anything I read for, I would,

was 80% going to go in for a callback. In those days, even when I'd allow Spanish auditions, you know how I'd tell you that, I wouldn't go, I would go in for the part of Pablo, and I would play a Mexican farmer on a drug dealer's, you know, even when I went in for those roles. You know, I was here as a Pablo. I would go on to producers.

And then producers, the producers would go, why are you here? And I go, I don't know, because I did a good job with the read. So in those days, I had a notebook, and I had the name of the project, the cast and director, how I did, and then I put one, two, three,

because you always went to two or three auditions those days. And then at the end, there was a little box that put the result. And I was just going off percentages, just like that movie hardball. I took that concept to auditioning. Because in those days, I would go in for 15 auditions a month. There was three or four years.

I went for 15, 10, 10. auditions a month. All those movies you see from the early 2000s to 2004, five, and six, I went out for those. Yeah, I got lucky with taxi. I got lucky with Arliss, you know. I got lucky with a lot of things. I went in there and read Arliss. I said, Arles, yeah, Arles was one or two lines. And by that time, I was getting frustrated with those auditions. Why? Mr. Syatt? Yes, sir. I have a delivery for you.

Thank you. I appreciate it. You got a sign for it? Okay. Okay, that was my audition. My audition basically in those days was Mrs. Syatt? Yes. You have an audition for it?

You have a package. Can you sign for it, please? Yes, sir, thank you. Okay. All right, what do you do with that? There's only a few different ways you can taste them. What do you do with that audition? When you look at that on paper,

When you're aging, call you and says, I'm an audition for you tomorrow morning at 11. It's for Arles. And all of a sudden you wait by the fucking fax machine and one sheet comes and there's two little lines. Those are the lines. What do you do with that? I don't know. All right. So you have to look at those two lines and go, what am I going to do with those two lines?

How many people are going to go in there and just go, Mr. Syatt? Hello? You have a delivery. Sign here. Thank you very much. So what can you do different than these people? So I would fucking start from scratch. I would walk in the door.

What could happen when you walk through somebody's door with a box under your arm? You drop it? You know. By the time I walk up to him and my bending over and dropping over the box and having them sign all those things. So I would add all those things.

So a lot of people would look at that and say, oh, I already wrote the scene for that. But then you have, but even though you don't have that many lines, you're showing them. Six out of ten people walked in and said, Mr. Syatt, yeah. I got a box for you to sign here. Right, yeah.

And they walked out. No. I'm going to get as much camera time as I can. I'm going to stretch this fucking two scene out. They don't tell you this? Who? Did anyone tell you this stuff? Nobody tells you this. You just know that more camera time?

You're winning a mind battle. You're trying to go in there and let them know you're the fucking, they got to stop after this. So you got to hit them one. with every fucking part of you. They're going to pay you scale plus 10 or they might pay you a thousand a day or whatever the fuck it is.

You got to go in there with everything. I used to go to auditions with so many people that would get there, sign their name and then pick up the lines and go over the shit and out there. And I'd sit there and I go, how do they do this? I've been working on this for a day and a half,

non-stop. Like I know these four sheets backwards and front words. I don't even need these sheets. Okay. But let's say you get one of those one-line auditions, two-line auditions. How do you book those?

I went on so many of those and got my fucking ass handed to me that I finally figured out it was just like standing. I have to go give them everything I got. So I would walk in there and trip and then come up with the box and drop it. Mr. Laird? Yeah.

Even that, there you go. You just bought yourself. another second. And I'm glad because you did it within the audition because I was thinking earlier

that the editor might just go from the beginning to the end and I was like he might cut out some of the stuff you'd do between takes. No, no, no. No, no. You're not getting none of this.

You're already thinking about the editor. There's no thinking about the editor. You have to beat up those three people in the room. The editor doesn't even exist. You haven't even shot nothing yet. Got it.

The editor don't know nothing. You know what they're going to use of you? They're going to go, and listen, they're going to show you in a room, giving fucking the guy a box, and you signing and leaving. But in reality, you want to walk in there and give them what's going to happen. All right. So you're walking in there with the box under your arm, and you push through the fucking door, and you put the box down,

and all of a sudden you go, Mr. Syatt, yeah. And you look around, maybe you see something on the wall, I got delivery for you. And then you look back at the wall. All that stuff. stuff is buying time. When I book that Arlis, I'll never forget I got this now. I know how to book

the long ones and I know how to book the short ones. I got to bring the long ones to fucking life. The little ones I got to bring to life. That's why people don't book those little roles. Because they don't know how to take two lines and bring them to life. It took me

fucking three years of 10 to 15 auditions a month. And just getting the So you had three years of not really booking much? Nothing. Nothing. From 90 fucking 8 to 2001, I went on the coldest fucking spell you could go on.

And I went to the end on everything. Tears would come down my face that was so cold-blooded. Like cold-blooded. Like I'd go for a movie that I didn't even belong on the set. And I'd be auditioning, auditioning, callback, call-back. but in those days there was such high volume that I would have something going on every week you know what I'm saying

like I would audition on a Tuesday get a call back for Thursday so Friday you had something to live for so were you canceling gigs then oh fuck yeah people were getting pissed off at me I was featured though I wasn't really headline I was featuring for Rogan featured on my own

so I would get a call on Friday telling me Monday you're going to see everybody so they're not Those days, they used to be a pre-read, a read, and a callback, and a second callback. So you would have four chances to impress whoever. So you're ready for this? Right, okay. I would do the pre-read, and then by the time I got to this read, I'd have this read already ready.

So I'd have two different reads for this. So the second read, I'd fucking rock them, get a call. And that read, I would have something else for them. On the third read. Yeah. And so now I'm going up against somebody who they're going to pay a lot of money against. You know what? They want to see me again.

And I would go in there and do that read, combine the two of them, and give them more personality because everybody's going to be in the room. And, Doc, I would lose the row. And I didn't give a fuck because I was getting places where I knew I couldn't get to. Have you ever had one of those casting agents who you saw on one of those roles, book you now? Or book you later on? You might, I think, what am I guess? All the time.

Yeah. You develop relationships. Yeah, you'd like the guy from the longest yard. Like the guy, this is crazy. The guy from the longest yard when he booked me, his assistant was Wendy O'Brien. Wendy O'Brien went on to book Sons of Antigy. So when you deal with those people, those. Those assistants are the ones that really get you in and out of that room.

Like there's a comedy trick around town. Julie something. She booked me in four or five pilots. I love it a death. I can't believe I can't remember her name. But her assistants, they go out in there. They're 20. They're 22, 23, 26.

They go out to the comedy store. They watch. You don't know how many times I can audition from young casting people. They come out. They go back and go, I don't know what you're looking at. Let me tell you who's happening. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're looking at this Asian chick for this role.

You better fucking check out fucking Ali Wong. You're looking for this white chick, check out fucking Saratiana, whoever, you know what I'm saying? Fucking Felicia. But that's what gets you into those rooms. Like, the people from analyze that. Okay. Her assistant went on to book. She became a casting director.

I don't know what she's casting now, but she was casting. the show Crystal Leah was on. Not unbreakable, but Whitney. She called me in for Whitney. Oh, yeah? Yeah, when she was doing it. So you develop relationships and they'll call you in for their shows.

That's how everyone starts. That's how you do it. That's how you do it. Like right now, Billy Jarenda was on the show last week. He moved here to support his daughter's acting career. She graduated from Stella Adler. Now you got a resume, then I've got to build that resume. It takes time.

And it's, and it sucks. And it's bullshit. As long as you know it's bullshit, it makes you a life easier. So, are there actors who just get discovered out of nowhere and come straight to starring? Or are all the new stars really 12, 15, 20 years into their acting career? You know me.

This is all a fucking, if we don't try, you don't know, dick. I mean, who knows the walkway to the start? Who knows? Who knows? I told you about that girl that's mad at me

because I didn't do nothing with a script. I looked in the face. I said, let me ask you something. If I could do something with a script, you'd think I'd be packing my fucking luggage

every two weeks and going on the road? Who knows what the passage is? For me, it was always hard work. If you want something, you got to go after it. You know, the others have... Like, I used to get the breakdowns. The breakdowns are with

the general casting people look at, and then they call you in for auditions. The notices they send out for different movies. And the first thing I would do when I wake up is got a cup of coffee, smoke pot, and go through the fucking breakdowns. So by the time my agent got to work at 10, he'd have an email for me with the rolls I wanted to go in for.

Is it hard to get stuff off the breakdowns, because that sort of seems like applying to an internet job, but everyone sees it? No, not the breakdowns. Okay, they don't. Agency it and managers see it. Yes, it's the bottom rung of casting, if that's what you mean. Yes, it is.

It's a little higher. Like, there's cattle calls in there, but there's also every TV show that shot. All right, every TV show that's shot. Now, let's say I'm a writer at William Morris, the people on the UFC, and I write a script. but before I write that script I see who fucking William Morris has right right okay

and when I write this script I'm writing that script with that actor that William Morris has I don't know throw somebody's name I mean that's a big star Channing Tadam Channing Alright Talam Chanam

Let's say he's an actor of William Morris and I'm a writer I want to write someone with him and mine because I know that the agents could package it so let's say who else they have i don't know they have kevin hart boom boom right a row for kevin hart we'll put them in there together it's a buddy comedy they have directors they have writers they make money on every level so they make money they package the movie so they cast it within as much as they can and then they drop the other casting out and that's what you get oh so it's not

even it's not even like they're great actors well even if they are there i'm sure they're they are, but at that level, at that high level of the movie, it matters mostly what agency they are? Yes. Because of the CAA, ICM, they have literary departments. So they're basically commercials for the agencies.

So, okay, you have an agency. You know, I'm with CAA. They have writers. Right, yeah. So the first thing, when somebody writes something, the CA is going to package it, that means they're going to give them the top director that CAA has, which is Todd Phillips.

Okay, so if I'm a writer at CAA, I know that I could get, I could go on IMD and get the list of their actors and who directors they have, and I can go to work, Jack. If it's a great script, I go in and I get this guy, this guy, I attach this director, and I let CIA package that motherfucker. So the breakdowns are the fucking dumplings of what's left. With television, not so much. The problem today with television, people don't know. know is that there's so much shitty, you know, all these other Netflixes and all that, they're great. But a lot of them don't pay the

big time actors. So the big time actors have figured out that television pays them more. So let's pretend they're looking for a guest star or a mobster. They'll call me in, Lee. And I'll go to producers, but guess what? The day before producers,

they already made an offer. This is a guy from the sopranos. And he, and they're going to give it to him, they made an offer and then like do you get mad because they know that you they knew or? That's part of the game. Okay.

You know, you remember that commercial where the guy kept getting hit by a fucking car and shit? A couple, I remember for a year, the guy from good looking guy. Oh yeah, the guy from 30 Rock or the guy with the deep voice, I think. No, he was a white guy. Yeah. And he would go, you know, you've been to a party and this happens and also he would throw like a cannonball off the tree.

Right, yeah, yeah. What's that white dude's name? And then he would come in his suit or be smoking. Yeah, I'm talking. Not good year. It was one of those insurance companies. Allstate? Allstate.

Okay, so when they got him, they were, I went to an audition one day. And I saw one of my buddies there. And we started talking. And I go, what are you here for? And he goes, I'm in room for. I'm in here for whatever that commercial. one. But I go, really? What is? He goes, oh, this commercial's crazy. It's about a guy who gets hit by a car and dragged down the street and he causes accidents and he does this and this and this.

And dog, I never thought about it. I went downstairs to Petco. I got some cat food. Well, on that, I think. It was somebody. It was one of the, somebody. It was one that looked like him, though. Right. I went downstairs, and I got the cat food, and I got my car and I left. Okay. Anyway, I bumped into the guy nine months. later. And I go, how are you doing? And we start talking.

And he goes, yeah, it's been terrible lately. And he goes, you go see a commercial with that dude? And I go, yeah. He goes, that's the commercial you saw me reading for that day at LaBreya, 200, LeBreya.

And we started talking. He goes, that's how bad luck I'm having. Like, they offered that guy when we were there that day. I go, dog, there was 80 people. there. And how you know is there's benches. And it says room three, room four, room five.

If you're not, if your auditions in room three, you're sitting close by, because you want to hear what they're saying. So all the other ones were empty. There was 80 people there. Why you know why? Because they have the budget. The budget for what?

To waste people's time. Oh, just to have more needed casting. It costs money for me to get you Nicole I and your assistant E. Elroy to show up with a camera and read people for fucking 10 hours. That costs money. You charge me like $5,000 a day for that. Jesus.

And they'll do that for three fucking days. Knowing that they have an offer out. Just to burn through on the budget. Burn through on the budget. Motherfuckers. So you live and fucking learn every day, see? Yeah, it's getting easier and easier here when you just. realize that everything is about money.

Sarah Tiana, how are you feeling, my love? Any better? You got a little bit better control now? Good, good. Get some rest. Don't worry about nothing. We got brownies coming. Don't eat the brownies. Don't eat the brownies, but eat the brownies. It's good for you. They got sugar in them. They'll bring you back to life. We'll send Lee on a fucking run-me-and-le-will-get-all-all-get-all-all-all-all-all-all-st.

Now, we're still going here. It's all right. You have a spot to that or anything? No. All right. I'm just making sure it wasn't, like, the next thing. day? No, no, no, we still wouldn't be here. Get the pillow, hug the pillow, we ain't gonna leave you alone. You're gonna be fun. Sometimes, people, you know, how many stars did you eat tonight, Lee? I think it's gonna eat you me eight. Didn't you mean? Seven, same seven, I've been counting. I don't know. I ate like

nine of them. See? Yes, I did. You tell mine, but you had two to yours. Please, I I ate three for every one you have. No, you didn't know. That'd be you eating 21. Lee, stop it. I was eating. I had a least. I had a least. these nine stars of you eight seven. I eat them like nothing. You owe me two stars. I didn't know you two stars. Get the fucking snack.

Like a bank with you. I'm going to Long Island this week. And governors, oh shit. Then the following week, Thursday night, working out with Uncle Joy, ten bucks at the ice house.

We have a good little time. We'd show up with the Agostino. Shut up, James. What do you giggle about? This is no way you said ten bucks. Ten bucks? Come out. You have a couple fucking cocktails.

At the ice house, you eat some sushi in Pasadena. and you fucking go home by 10.30. Who's better than you? I'm trying to get people home early. I don't make people lurking out at night. It makes me nervous. I can't sleep at night when another other podcast.

That's the main goal of your shows? Just to get people home early? Early. I need you home by 11. By the time of the news, you don't know what's going on in the world. You know what I don't want you to watch Kimmel and then. Fuck all that nonsense. I need for you to watch the first 15 minutes of the news, so... You never once told me to watch the news.

Because it don't matter. You're not going to watch it anyone. I've been telling you for years to stay. Stop eating hummus, you're supporting ISIS. Every time you buy hummus, a dollar goes to fucking ISIS, and you keep giving them money, giving them money. So next time they're Aleppo with somebody,

that's you that put the money in their fucking pocket. Next time you see a kid with dust in his eyeballs, think of the fucking time you were dipping, having a good time with Paula, then you go back to the house and you both smell each other's fucking hummus farts. That's a really fucking destroys my inside. To sit there with somebody and smell their hummus farts.

your ass is pointed at them and their ass is pointed at you. It's like Korea and America. Jesus Christ. Two years, six years I know you. Please stop eating that shit. Never. You go in there, you eat that grade four chicken

that they get from Syria after they bomb the joint. Wait until they get that chicken and after they bomb a joint, they send those chickens over for 10 cents on a dollar. There was an agent. I forget what his fucking name was.

He owned the agency, what I meant, Rich Super. and the guy from, it was called IAG. You know how that guy made all his money? Yeah. Important third world chickens to fucking, like, companies like McDonald's. Chickens that were missing an eye and a leg. That's what you get in those fucking restaurants.

And you're going to keep going in there, eating that third world nuclear fucking war chicken shit with that fucking hummus that just clogs you up. Every time you eat hummus, it's amazing. It's all carbohydrates. It's 9,000 fucking cars. What do you think you eating? Beans?

Yeah, fucking beans. That Garbanzo shit. They put it to chop salad at my favorite restaurant. Great. Don't put Garbozo beads in my salad. I'll fucking stab you. I'm even mad at the fucking Garbozo bean. I grew up on garbanzos.

I'm fucking Cuban. We used to make a thing called Garbonzo Frito. It's fried garbanzos with chorizo with onions and peppers. Jesus Christ. and they got to cook them on one of those brown things like you live in New Mexico like in a hut one of those ceramic brown things

oh delicious like those little clay clay like bowls or something sure sure what's the last thing you remember Saturday room spinning last thing I remember Disneyland no that's what you were thinking of before you went down yeah really you were thinking about Disneyland

yeah see those stars work in weird ways sometimes you can see either star saved $119. There you go. Who wants to pay $119? They go down to fucking Disneyland. It's 90-degree heat. And walk around with those fucking suckers.

Did you see, I don't know, the EDC is like an electronic festival. Like, the band and I, like, went there. Okay. But there were, like, 400 medical events at night because it was 116 degrees out. Where in Vegas? Yeah. You never see me in the middle of the Vegas desert if it was 116. You should go out.

I would probably jump up and down take Paula eat hummus it'll be like fucking Jones Town and spread the hummus by the time they get

there'll be 300 little bodies laying out there like fucking Jones Town like Jim Jones and shit people damn 116 fucking degrees and that take an ecstasy in that shit

you take ecstasy in the fucking heat like that you know what happens to you and you jump up and down and drink water I mean if you keep drinking water your temperature shoots up Look at fucking Carrie Fisher

Heroin, Methadone, cocaine, ecstasy. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Are you fucking kidding me or what? And she was 60 years old. Guys, I'm 54 years old. I don't know about the future. I know who's going to win.

I don't know who's getting impeach. I don't know nothing. I do know one thing. I will never snort cocaine again. I will never do fucking heroin again. I like to joke with you people and fuck around. Listen. I would never want to do that to my daughter even take the chance.

I made a promise on a cat 10 years ago. I'm coming up on that promise in November. I can't imagine doing drugs at fucking 60. I can't even imagine. Why? And if you say I'm a hypocrite, I don't give a fuck. I love my pot. I love my fucking, my little head gummy bears.

There's seven calories apiece. Okay. You know, I drink. water the whole time. There's alcohol in there, you know. Not the weed, but you got clean, what, eight years ago, nine years ago? Ten years ago.

This November. 10 November. Wow. If you hadn't, and you had been lucky enough to survive, done you think you would have been doing it at 60? Yeah, with the plane ride now wouldn't even admit it to 60. Are you thinking you should die? She had sleep apnea.

She was choking up in the fucking sky. God knows what else she had in the system. You know, they said she had prescriptions for this, this, this, and this, and that she had no prescription for oxy cotton. Jesus. So, later she just got it? When you have what I have, you could fuck around with a Xanax from time to time.

I could fuck around with the THC. But once right now for me, for me to take like a, like my buddy gives me those things. on the East Coast. I love them to death, and they're fucking tremendous for flying. Am I right?

Sarah, those little fucking valiums, those sticks? My friend, my childhood friend, gives me two or three of them. They last me a year because I break them down little pieces, and I heat them in a whole... Let's say I get to a hotel room

and I got to be up at six for radio. I'll pop one of those at the airport as I'm landing when I'm picking up my luggage. so by the time I get to my hotel there's no drum I go not be no no time and I don't lose no fucking sleep because if not I'm on California

timely right so midnight here it's 3 a.m. on the East Coast I gotta get up in three hours I can't take the chance you'll be dead absolutely so you pop one of those I do know one thing

I can't eat a whole stick of those I won't make it back because what happens is It slows down your heart. Your breathing stops it to sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a complete different animal when you're doing drugs. If they go back 50 years ago, they're going to find that sleep apnea is a motherfucker. And once you have it, you've got to be very careful, especially on those planes.

Before I go on a plane dog, I do so many things to prepare. Like what? And I learned over the years from experimentation. I know what it's like to be on a plane. I know from the night before. I know this light to be on a plane and do a couple blasts on the plane because you think you're cute.

I know this to be on a plane. So I figured out in all the years of flying as a comedian what works before a flight enduring to make it easier. A, good night's sleep. You need a good night's sleep before you fly. Six, seven good hours. So you're ready to go.

So there's no fuck that. I'm going to sleep two hours to sleep on the fucking plane. you land feeling like dick. It's not worth the aggravation. You're trying to run on the way to that gig. On the way home, and even on the way home. You know, I try to get three or four in.

Remember, four is a lot better than nothing, Doug. Yeah. Three hours and a shower and a cup of coffee is a lot better than nothing. A shower and a cup of coffee. That's true. I mean... So, no alcohol, you're fucking watering the whole time,

and you're prepared for, every situation on the plane. I got blood pressure medication on me. I got fucking gazelle the fish with me. You know, it wasn't like I was teetering on death 10, 15 years ago.

Teetering. Teetering. Because my sleep apnea was really, really bad. I was completely out of shape. Completely. I mean, I'm no fucking Jacqueline. But at least take a go upstairs and

around the corner and go to Jiu-Jitsu and throw kettlebells around and hit the bag, you know, 10, 15 years ago. I wasn't doing that way. You were just doing comedy and that's it? So every time I was doing those sleeping pills, I wasn't doing sleeping pills. You know, I was doing those down-all-PMs. Those things were fun. I was eating four of the time. Those fucked me up for a fucking semester.

Oh, my God. They fucked me up. so much they threw my equilibrium off I couldn't walk. That's why I don't mess with those things. Because you can't sleep without them after that. Last time I ate them was where I typed the CD. What was the name of? Zanis.

Not Nashville. Not Rosemont. Not this time when I taped the CD either the time before that or the time before that there was no radio on Saturday morning. So I fucking took them. On Friday night, yeah. Friday night. I woke up

Saturday morning and my equilibrium was fucking done. I got vertigo and shit. I had to fucking watch TV. Do you sleep for like 3 p.m. the next day or something? Oh, it's terrible. I was taking four a night and falling asleep with cigarettes in my hands, watching TV in the living room with the sleep apnea.

I'm a lucky dude, man. Trust me, I'm fucking telling you. But right now, I have a great time. A lot of people might criticize us. You know what? I'll eat those stars until they put me in the fucking grave. And when they invent little stars, that have more punch to them,

like when they invent the 500 milligrams with three calories, guess what? We're switching up, like the Jefferson's issue. Why do I have to be put on this, like, to the grave plan? Because you're my partner in crime. Absolutely. We've been starting the church this day one. The church has maintained a fucking different.

You've got to maintain the sense of decency. I want people to know when they refer to the church and Lisa, that we're like the wool tank line. Ain't nothing to fuck with. Never. You know, if not, people got no respect. And they go, those guys are just Hollywood guys that make believe. I'll do one.

Come on. What, come on? What do you got to know? No, no, no. Eat two, so we're even. No, no, no. Now we're even. What, even if I do one?

No, now you're even. And I'm letting you sly on one because you ate seven. So eat two and that's nine and we're even. No, you got that one right there. Remember, you messed up the door. Don't make me tell you. I didn't mess up. How you doing, Saratiana?

Are you hungry at all? What do you want to eat? What are you in the mood for? Like an in-and-out burgers? That would fucking kill you, wouldn't it? What do you mean? No, people like an in-out burger. Are you back, can you see straight?

Yeah. Yeah. I just want to be able to see straight so I can drive them. She's a tiny girl. She ate a star without knowing. Eat another star to respect, all right? We'll rip up the ends and we'll get the fuck out of you. What are you making it like that?

difficult for. Eat the other one. It's right down the table. Cut this shit. You got nothing going on tomorrow. I got enough going on. You got nothing. You got nothing no more.

You're going to go there and rub your feet. Then you call me at 8 a.m. Go to the gym now. I'm still high as fuck. That's when you go to the gym. I'm going to 4 am. You're 28 years old. It doesn't mean anything.

Six hours of sleep and you're tip-top fucking my goof. It doesn't mean that. You get up. You're fucking heat a bowl. You smoke a little bowl. You go on a computer. You do your thing.

You smoke a little bowl. You eat a nice. bowl of cereal and you go and you go and you mingle with people. You said you want to be a fucking networker and shit like that. I'm sorry about that. Those fucking things are true.

Even the 125s. You just threw me the back and you said here. And I was like, oh, I can't. You're like, they're really like, just eat like. Yeah, that 125 these things. Just eat three or four. No. I said, eat a little, I would never tell you they eat three or four.

You said take half. Take half to start just to see what happens to you. It hits your heart. Good, good, but you recovered. You didn't have no hospital visits. Yeah, I understand. Yeah, your boyfriend's looking for you. He's been calling you.

Where are you? Your MIA? Just tell him, listen. Fuck, I came over here. I ate an animal and next thing, you know. I'm sorry about that, Sarah. Listen, you feel a lot better than all in Benjamin. He got up and started walking.

Oh, no. And? He walked her about that. two hours. You walk for two hours, just like down the road? Taking about his life around the park and stuff. My brother, Paul and Benjamin, like a week later, he moved to Vermont. He swore the light, you know what I'm saying?

So maybe you'll see the light, maybe whatever's going on. You want to finish up the podcast with us? Are you still... Yeah. Get in here. Let's do this shit. Do this shit. Yeah, tough as nails.

These fucking Atlanta women don't fuck around. Two seconds. Let's give Sarah Tiana around the applause here. She had a little mishap. I tell people all the time that there's METC not mishaps with accidents.

I don't know how many times I'm going to do something serious and I take a bong for granted, right? You look at it, you fill it up, you hit it, and you walk out the house, you get in your car and you're like, holy shit. Lee, what's the story?

There's one more star there with your name. Eight enough, eight enough. No, that's 16. I don't like doing on numbers. No, no, no, no, no. You got to do two more league. Don't start with me because I'll raise you. I'll raise the Vig back up to fucking 1800

because you had that 16. But I took fucking a thousand off of the weekend. Stop crying. One more star and we both did equal amounts. This poor girl took a nap on the couch. Stop your crying, all right? Stop your crying. It is time for you to stop.

You are sobbing. So what else is going on in your world? This weekend, now you're going to roast El Poppy? Big Poppy. Big Poppy. Now, is he retired now? Let me ask you. He retires on Friday. He retired. It's his last game Friday? No, he's

already at his last game. They're retiring his number at Fenway. Oh, my God. He's retiring his number already? That's good for him. Yeah. It's a different world now. You gotta wait like 20 years and getting the Hall of Fame. Not in 10 months they retire your number. He was the king

of bars. I mean, he had a restaurant at one point. Framingham next to mine. Is that your definition of the king? Yeah, that's the only need. It wasn't even his. He's a king. He's a king.

What kind of food was it? No, it was just American Steakhouse, but he was more now. He is ever, he has it, but he, uh, I just remember he, when he came to Boston, and he just, he was young and he, he didn't come with a bunch of like fanfare from Minnesota, but he was, he just started hitting home runs. And he was, he was amazing. He was D.H. That's all he did was come up,

hit monster home runs and walk over. He's just a mean, this mean bug look. It was great. I love it. That's a cool thing about you, Sarah, that you really are very, very active in all sports, basketball, football. You're very well, what's the word, fluid, whatever the fuck.

Influence. Influence. Or, informed. That's the word right there. Sometimes. I mean, I don't know what's going on right now. Somebody talked about basketball. Greg Billy Hurenda talked about basketball.

I watched like eight minutes of the finals. Oh, they're the worst. And that was it. And I'm excited for baseball. You know, I'm not a fucking July baseball type of guy or in August. I start watching like September's that when you start paying attention. Once September comes, you're going to see good old-fashioned American fucking baseball with Spanish people playing it. Spanish people?

Yeah, because I'm not, you know, I'm not. saying, I'm not following nobody from the All-Star break. But it's pretty interesting when somebody goes, okay, these guys have won 13 out of the last 16 since the All-Star break.

They're onto something. Something clicked in July. That you, maybe if you see, it's interesting if you, like I would go to more Dodger games. There's no reason to live here if A, you don't go to the beach and B, you're not involved in their local athletics. Let's face

I love to go to, yeah, I'd love to go more to Laker games, but that $200 ticket could suck my dick. I got my pride. The Dodger games, that's not bad. You got a good little ticket from time to time. Leaker hook you up. I still think we got some score big money in the account. We got to use it up.

And who else? You got hockey in time. Oh, the Kings. You got the Dodgers. I don't like the other team. The Clippers, I don't want to go down there and see them. No. No.

They're going to move. Fuck them. Well, Sarah, do you like minor league baseball? I like minor league baseball. Not that. I don't really follow it. You don't follow it, but you're going to the games. Oh, yeah, I like going.

Don't listen to Johnny Smooch. Let me tell you what happened. Johnny Smooch. He figured out that he could save $40. No, it's more expensive to go to those games. So they have dollar tickets to Dodder Stadium. He goes to Rancho Cucamanga. Yeah, it's fun of fun.

Where you can get fucking stabbed by gang members. No, you can't. With his girlfriend to watch minor league baseball. They don't even know what's going on. Nobody watches the monthly base. This is what I deal with on the fucking daily base. And don't encourage him when piss no beats. She just got the job.

This guy works two fucking days a week. He's got to work 10 years before he sees another fucking vacation. You understand me? There's no vacation. As a matter of fact, I got special jobs for you on Saturdays for the rest of the year and shit. There's no fucking vacations. If you eat that star, maybe I'll alleviate some of the Saturday work and shit load. And maybe I let you slip out the back door to the Pismo Beach.

If not, we got shit to do on Saturdays from now on. So whatever, I'm in town or not. You got to report to the commission. I'm dropping an envelope off. What else is going on in your world? You're in love? Yeah. How long have you been with Johnny Hanson?

Like a year and a half now. Oh, shit. It's serious. Are you living with them? No. You're still kept it fucking, I want a ring, and then maybe. Yeah. No, but...

How does it feel? Awesome. It feels like I have a teammate. What does he do if you don't mind me asking? He's a sportscaster. Beautiful. Yeah, this fits perfectly. This fits perfectly.

Since you've been with him, have you lost your zeal for comedy a little bit? Are you looking to get married? You're thinking about me? What do you think? You love comedy this much? Oh, no. It just helps my comedy. I mean, I write about him.

Okay. So I think it's great for my comedy. You're happy. You look beautiful? Yeah, I feel. Every time I see you look beautiful, but this is a real pre-you-have a special glow to you. So I can tell you're in love and what I'm.

It's been fun. It's just in this conversation with some money now, women come here, they start fucking kicking ass them one day, they're sure, but they're still pregnant. Right. And you're like, what the fuck? The kid, they come, they come like 10 or 11.

What? Look at the other thing. about Pismo beats, see? He knows how we do it on the church. We ain't fucking around no more. Kudos to Lysayette and shit like that. But no, I'm happy that you're still hitting comedy hard. Last time I'm sitting there waiting to go up,

and I look over and I see a girl that kind of looked like Stephanie Escarat. Oh, uh-huh. And I go, Jesus Christ, when was the last time I saw Stephanie Asking? I had it. In a commercial? That's last one.

It was funny. One time I saw her in La Jolla. And I was headlining or call headlining. It was like one of those three headliner shows. And she was the opener. And she came up to me and she goes, you spend the night in the condo? And I go, no, I'm not.

I'm driving back. And she goes, I think you should stay. I don't trust the headline. I think he's going to rape me or some shit. Oh, shit. So I set up my, oh, it was terrible. I fucking hate that condo. Oh, yeah.

But I always think about that story. I always like Stephanie. She was dating Duncan at the time or whatever. But then I bumped into her on Santa Monica Boulevard. She pulled up behind me with a fucking car seat. You know, she's got a kid. Her husband's a writer. She's like, I don't do stand-up no more.

Once in a fucking great while, she'll go to some club and fucking Los Angeles or something. So I just don't want this to happen to you and shit. I want you lingering for a few more years before you get knocked up. You're still young. Oh, yeah. I have plenty of time. What else been going up?

Just been on the road. I have to go to bed. I feel like I can't keep my head up. Oh, my God. It still got you? I think I have to Uber Home. You got what? I'll move my car and you can put your car into my spot.

I want to Uber Home. Don't worry about nothing. You can Uber Home, how far? Burke Christ, I had a Uber home. Tom's a Goor. Tom's a Gora. Oh, yeah. Tom told me that's so.

Yeah, poor Tom had to pull over and Uber home, the poor guy. It's all right. It happens. You're as tough as nails. No fucking shame over here at the fucking, the church. What's out now? It's fun at least. Are you having no fun?

Sure. It's Monday night. What are we going to do? A spot? Nothing. You had nothing going on. You shot a video with Josh Wolf for El Poppy. Yes.

You ate an edible. Oh, Poppy. What's his name? Big Poppy. Whatever. Big. you think those little white girls up in North Boston, give a fuck, he's leaving.

That's a paycheck, Jack. Those little skinny white holes, they've been sucking that Dominican dick for 10 years. How big is he? He's 6-8-2-90. He's got a fucking dick as big as a fucking Little League bat. You know what I'm saying? That thing is darker than dark.

It's three shades of dark, dark-dark. Three shades of dark. He's been sparing white women in half like Bill Cosby and shit for fucking 10. 15 years. It's over, Cucksuckers. He's getting retired. They'll all be there for the last little paycheck.

That last little 75 piece and that's that he goes back to the Dominican Republic with his 82 fucking million dollars. It's amazing. What, Lee? What? Sounds like a beautiful light. Oh my God. Poor Sarah Tia. I feel so bad.

See, Lee? You can't be leaving the stars in the table. I'm open like that. What are you talking about? from a bank. Sure. Well, she'd what she'd be from? What do you think it falls out of the fucking sky?

So what happened about the table? Anyway, Long Island, this weekend, Friday, Saturday, the podcast tonight, we're going to redo it some other fucking time. And next time, we'll keep Sarah away

from the edibles completely. We didn't know about this. She didn't know about this. It happens to the best of us. We kept it alive. Let me read the little sponsors We'll get you the fuck out of here. You savages you.

How you doing, Lisa? I ain't went deep. I went deep in the murky waters. This is all part of it, people. This ain't no fucking, uh, general hospital or some reality show or we set it up here.

We're doing debt to you. We're trying our best. We're trying the best to stay on top. Have interesting characters. And that, what's the matter? Are you looking at me like you don't trust me? What's going on? I don't know.

I've never been, I've never been told that before. What's that? I'm looking at you like I don't trust you. You're looking at me like I owe you 2250 or something like that for a bear of shoes. Did you? Do I fucking owe you 2250?

You tell me. Maybe. I'm suck it. Anyway, let me tell you something. About four years ago, back when we were in the apartment, we had Dollar Shave Club. And they would send us razors every weeks

and the shaving cream. And I had a fucking overload. of raises. After about a year and a half of working together, we parted ways. You know, you can't do well with a product. That's just the way marketing is. But I kept all those raises. And that handle from three years ago, four years ago, I still have that handle. The same handle. So all of a sudden when they contacted me and they said, do you still, are you interested in doing Dollar Shave? I'm going, are you crazy? You people have a great product. I got no complaints. I just still got your product, I still use your product.

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Number two, you know how we do it, dog. I'm always trying to help you guys out, whether it's something I've gone through. If I was out there busting my ass right now, I don't know what I'd be doing. But I'll tell you one thing I'd be doing if I had a nice car. I'd be driving for a lift. You know why? Because every time I take lift, I got no problems. Leet takes lift all the time.

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whether it's the Shroom Tech, the Alpha Brain, or the... New Moon, Shrm Tech, Sport. And the milkshake. And the Hemforce. Hempforce, the cacao. Tremendous.

The Cacao. You understand me? I want to thank Sarah Tiana for coming on. I'm very, I'm sorry for her eating a bigger amount. than what was there. I want to thank my brother Lee

and I want to thank you people for listening. I'll see you guys Wednesday night. Do not forget governors this weekend. Friday and Saturday, 8 and 10. And the following week, Thursday night, working out with Uncle Joey, Thursday night. You come down with your little girlfriend from work,

blah, blah, blah. We have a good time. Lee's day giving out fucking autographs. Stay black. Have a great week. I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday.