The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #494 - Steve Byrne

Episode Date: June 28, 2017

Steve Byrne, comedian, actor, and one of the hosts of  "The Gentleman's Dojo" podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Meundies.com - Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order. Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.  Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey for you first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/26/2017.
  

I got a call to you out there from this dude named Steve Chavoni, just out of the blue. Yeah. We talk once a year, whenever I go to Buffalo. That's when we talk. Two days before I land, he comes to the hotel. We eat lunch. We smoke a joint. We hug because he's one of the oldest friends I have in the world from when I was crazy.

Yeah. Like, he knew me when I was the real deal, weapons. We were friends for about from 83 to 87. And then he met Claudine Jean-Jay's. daughter, the chick that killed her husband in Aspen. Dog, this is

fuck, this is one of the murders, one of those celebrity murders in Aspen. She was a hot-looking chick and he was a hot skier. So anyway, me and Steve Chivoni became friends at the In-N-Out house in 1983 because they made original East Coast shit. Yeah. The only thing they did

was at Sprouts. The first time I bit into one of their sandwiches and I tasted sprouts, I almost killed the motherfucker. You understand me? I was like Chavoni, what the fuck is this? I think I'm off for you. Lysayette, you know me. I don't lie about food.

It was the only place where I had the curry chicken on dry bread with fucking lettuce, tomato. It was sensational. These guys were from Buffalo. He had a fucking owner named Amir who was bald-headed. Kind of a nice guy, but he was a fucking scumbag. The face of that restaurant was Steve Chavoni, and it was the size of his joint.

Yeah. And I became friends with Steve in 83. And I disappeared. I went back to New York and fucked up and moved into a rocket ship in a park. I was homeless. I ended up back in Aspen. And I'm living in the whole town across the street from the internet house. So I'm going over there and I'm eating on the arm.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's great. We got a roast beef with Swiss, put it on the arm. And they liked me that I'm in there. I'm the real deal. It's 1984. I got a real New York accident. It's 85.

Yeah. And I'm living across the street from the hotel In those days, bro, this is the type of motherfucker I was. Like, when I got bored, that minute was trying to rob something. So I'd be sitting there watching TV and I go TikTok. I'm sitting here watching a football game. There's something out there that needs to be robbed. That's how fucked up I was.

That's how fucked up I was. And I'm not scared to admit this. I would see businesses in the daytime. And I go, I could rob this joint. This joint don't have it alone. I kick this door down, take this painting. I always had a scam when I was walking and make mental notes. In those days, it's like Joe Rogan said.

He goes, the first time I went to Bowdo, when I looked around, I was like, I can't picture you in 85. It's like a candy store. It's like a candy store. I could pick this shit off like nothing. I came from New York City where everything is bolted. They bought you in the bedroom, in the backrooms. Go to a New York bathroom.

They locked in from the outside of these shit. They bought everything in New York. Yeah. To replace an Aspen. So one that I bought the pieces, and I go, how can I break into the sandwich place? The place you like? feeding you? The guy who's been feeding me that. This is how bored I won. Because I knew

they made cash. I knew he only made deposits once a week. Like Fridays. I knew they did two, three grand a day. They're making a deposit a day in your tummy. Tell me. It might tell me. But I was still paying half price. And are you eating

on the arm? This is how crazy it was, guys. This is how crazy. Oh, my God. There's only one way in there. Yeah. There was, I could go through a front door, kick it. I like Clint Eastwood. But the cops drive by. It's off season. It was the beginning of the season. Or I could kick the window on top out.

You know, like the window that flips? Yeah. And in those days, I was 185. I was pretty built. I couldn't fit through the thing. I said, how am I going to bust this riddle? Right? And I said, let me do something.

And I went on top of the roof of the hotel, which was three stories. But I could see the roof. And guess what? They had like a little duct to take hot. Oh, yeah. And I went around the back and voila. What's behind the back? A fucking ladder that goes right up that starts over here.

I went up there, I picked the fucking thing, and I leap down there like Spider-Man. I cut like my shoulder. I still probably have a scarf. I cut like my shoulder, but nothing. The adrenaline kicks up when you're a burglar. And sure enough, I went in there, and I was correct. That was fucking $1,800 or something. And I made, like, I'm not going to tell you, I made a sandwich.

I took, like, a piece of bread. Jesus. And I walked out the front door, like, I owned the joint. Yeah. The next day, when I went in there, like, I went in there like nothing. A few pieces of meat, maybe. Like, I went in there like nothing. No mean.

And guess what? I went around the top. I went back. I emptied my pockets. I went back, got on the roof, and screwed everything down again. Like, nothing happened. So that's...

You know me. You got to... I'm not going to rob them and leave the latch open. Yeah, the next day I wanted to they get a sandwich and they were all going to be weird. But Steve Chavone and I still became friends. Does he know this? Oh, yeah. Is he going to hear this and go...

No, like a year later. We were doing blow one night. He got a dog called Cali or half a day. Wolf Dog and I had a German chef called Hercules and they used to play with each other and I was house sitting

and on Friday nights I would have a little cocaine parties on one night we got to coked up and he goes dog did you rob that fucking sandwich place and I go come on you know I did and he goes when I went in there

and I saw that box you're the first person I thought of he goes till this day we really the owner really can't blame you because how the fuck did you get in there what? He goes I'm going to lose my He goes, I almost lost my job because they thought I gave you the key. Oh.

He goes, the next day we went in there and the door was open. How did you get in there? Right, yeah, yeah. They didn't even know that I jumped down there like Spider-Man. That's when I found the fucking way. In those days, that's how I used to find the fucking way. It was crazy. Yeah.

That's a crazy fucking story. Anyway, this podcast is brought to you by me under. Listen to me. There's a reason I've been telling you about meandis for months now. There's simply the softest, most comfortable underwear you'll ever have on. Once you try them, you won't want to wear anything else. Trust me what I'm telling you. If you go to my house, my underwear draw, all you see is a color of different Miundis.

And right now, I'm going to get you 20% off your first pair. Plus, free shipping at Meandies.com slash Joey. Right now, that's meundies. This show is also brought to you by Quip. Here's something to chew on. Many recent studies suggest that having good oral health impacts your overall health. Yet most of us do not brush our teeth properly. You can start brushing better today with Quip.

The new company that's refreshing people the way, refreshing the way people brush their teeth. Quip is an electronic toothbrush that packs premium vibration and a timer feature into an ultimate slim design. Right now, go to quip.com slash Joey to get your first refill pack free with the quip electric toothbrush. That's your first refill pack free at quip.com slash joey. Go to quip, g-et-u-u-i-p dot com slash joey and get your first refill pack free. Number three, let me explain something to you.

Father's days over with, mother's day's day is over with, and you're still walking around with a filthy fucking animal. Let me tell you something. Don't do it. It's June 26th. If your asshole is stinking up a storm now, can you imagine during bikini season when that fucking muffler is overheating with humidity? That shit stopped today. Go to hello-tushy.com.

You know why? Because the bidet is back, bitch. No longer do you have to walk around with swamp ass if your monkeys got wang to it, if your nut sack has a little fucking patois to it or certain genasseque. You don't need that in your life no more. It's summertime. Keep that muffler refreshed and keep those balls and monkey refreshed. Go to hellotushy.com right now and get...

10% off when you go to hellotushy.com slash church. There you go right now. That's who presents this church to you. Coming at you. Kick that mulee. I only play this type of music when one guest is announced. His name is Steve Burns. Direct from Pittsburgh.

We ain't fucking around here. You understand me. He grew up on the mean streets of Pittsburgh. He ain't one of you fucking Opie Doke Me. motherfuckers looking at the floor when you tell me you're going to do something you're fucking nuts. You can learn something from Steve Byr.

It's Tuesday, September 27. It's the luckiest day, you're fucking life, cuckuckers. Listen to the shaft. Listen to the guitar. There's when black people were black people. Listen to this shit. These people wouldn't even be invited to Beatty Awards.

Anyways, the church, what's happened now, cuckusker? June 26th, the day the devil was buried at sea, fucked in the ass, gang raped and etc., etc. Steve Byrne in the house.

Who is the man who fuck you up with his little fucking hand? It's sad to believe that Isaac Hayes became a Scientologist after he wrote this he got scared.

You know that shit? No. That's why he got that pistachial commercial three years ago. You're sitting there going keep that, keep that alive. Keep that soul alive,

because it kicks in. It kicks in, the real shit. Isn't that one? Isn't that why he left South Park? Not because of it, but it was because of his beliefs. Yeah. He decided to see you, my brother.

Always good to see. I just read your fucking... Love you. Twitter and I laugh my ass on. Your little poses. This is a black people of black people. Here we go. Here we go.

I want to go solve a crime. I want to go commit a crime. I want to commit a crime. That's what this music makes you. Kill this meal. It's so funny. Good to see you, brother. It's a truth.

This reminds me of being maybe 10. When this came out, this is one of those movies that black people went crazy, and I was part of the movement. Like, I was there. I was a kid, and I saw all the impact. And I finally, like, you weren't cool until you went to see this. When I was growing up, there was no standing online for Apple. You know, Marvel movies.

If you went to those, you got beat up. Yeah. The plan was to come back and brag to your 10-year-olds that you went to see an R-rated. movie. Yeah. And people would flip out. Like, how'd you do it? What movie theater?

Because then you would find out, there was always one chick that didn't ask you. Yeah. Like, I went to see The Exorcist, the longest yard, enter the drag. Or at the same movie thing. Like, I saw Academy Award winners. Tommy. It could be an art rated movie or it could be a PG movie. She never asked me for a...

Oh, that's great. But I still remember going to The Exorcist and the line to go to the Exorcist and the line to go to the exorcist and when I don't have letting kids in. It's really scary. and I went in there and she's like Go right ahead. I was like, oh shit. Did you look older though? No, I was 10.

You're okay. Where was the theater? Was it in, like that? 48th Street in Bergenleine Avenue. Every time I drive by and I beeped the fucking horn. Is it nice or kind of like more more blue collar? It was blue collar in those days, okay?

It was the movie theater. It was 20 blocks from my mother's bar. Okay. My mother would let me walk there. And I'm telling you. Tommy, the longest yard, French connection, anything violent that I could go back to Catholic school on Monday. Barbarilla? I don't remember when we're going to see Barbarella.

But I still remember going to the long, Rocky? Rocky. I still remember seeing the longest yard there. Yeah. And the movie theater was on their feet yelling. And then what was it like to actually, I mean, that's crazy, right? When I got this, the whole first two weeks, all I thought of. about was me being a kid and walking out of there with John Bender, you know, Dominique

Special and walking home and we were the mean machine. Yeah. That was it. That football season, we were going to be the mean machine. We played flag football and that was it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's fucking weird.

Enter the dragon. I probably went to see it there every night while it was there. I still remember Enter the Dragon coming out. And like a couple days later, he's dead. And people were like... Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? Because there was no internet then.

Yeah. So only Chinese people knew the news that hit Chinatown. And then it spread outward. Yeah. And by the time I got it, I was three weeks late to the party. I was heartbroken. I found out like a week after he died. Yeah.

And I couldn't believe it. But then they actually... That's how removed you were from the Asian community. Well, no. In those days, I went to Chinatown every Saturday. Yeah. Like, we all saved up money to go to Chinatown. Yeah.

We'd go to Chinatown. We'd buy that leather meat. we thought it was cool we'd buy the ointment to put on our hands to practice the iron palm technique because we would watch it in the movies and shit we'd get a bag and see the canvas bag

and fill it up with like chickpeas and pellets and every day like three of us would get together in the afternoon light a little fire we burn our hands through the fuck so you're not exactly going for your love of the Chinese culture we do all that

crap that. This is all fucking just being a kid though. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

You know, it's funny when I see tributes to Bruce Lee and I don't see a 40 year old. Like I don't see

nobody who even remembered the impact yeah. And the disappointment. Like the impact of Bruce Lee by 1971. By 1972,

you fucking knew who Bruce Lee was if you were a kid. Like he had he had fucked up James Bond. He trumped everybody at that time.

That's why I the dragon is James Bond. Yeah. They send them to an island, then he meets the chick, and it's James Bond. Yeah. He trucked James Bond. He had fucked up in Eastwood. Charles Bronson was taking it back, like this Chinese fucking dude, this can't be.

Yeah. He fucked up the whole market. Kung Fu schools. Everybody started dressing Chinese. Yeah. Everybody bought the fucking shirts with the white shirt underneath that you have to roll up, the sleeves. And then you put the black over that with the thing. Everybody bought the shoes.

including me. My mom even thought it taking me to a psychiatrist. I would eat rice. I would burn incense in my room. I would bow. I was fucking losing my mind. You're good at math.

I was good at math. Studying the violin. The whole fucking thing. Karate, breathing. Every night I'd get together with Mario Diaz, who was a Cuban Chinese guy, and these other two dudes,

Glenn Cologne and this other dude, after dinner, it was well known. After you went to your training. Yep. And you went home and ate dinner with your family, and then did your homework. If you could talk your mom

out of leaving for a half hour at 9 o'clock, we would have a guy over there for you and we would train. Really? Oh, yeah. And, bro, it was like for a year every night, we would go there and no kicking to the head. Body, la loud, no balls.

If you want to smack me to let me know that you could get me, that's cool. And we would go there and kill each other. We do a class first. We do a form class. One of us, Fujal Pike, Kung Fu-Fu, He always had beautiful forms.

So we'd do some of his forms, and then we'd just fucking kill each other. And just destroy each other. Oh, my God, that fucking wall had holes. And I remember his Chinese father came down one day and threw his out. Get the fuck out. I got 2,000 holes in my walls. You're fuck. Because you missed the opponent.

Everybody was a kicker. Everybody was Bruce Lee. Everybody would fight you in a horse dance. Everybody had a straight-up sidekick. everybody did the cat noise America was doing the cat noise when Bruce Lee died I know three of us

me Pino and retarded Mike we walked around devastated for six months like we didn't believe it yeah and then the fucking Chinese people you know they got no respect when it comes to dollars they started sending over all these Bruce lies oh yeah yeah all the fake gut yeah

but the first motherfucker that tried to break through was I got to think of the commercial. Yeah. Hong Kong, step aside, Bruce Lee, and make way for Carrado,

the Hong Kong cat. And this guy had new chucks only with copper on the bottom of them. You know, copper tubing for plumbing? Oh, yeah. He ended up,

and he ended up a step and the movie starts where he's fucking two guys up and all of a sudden that Carrado come in for dinner and he's like, I mean, I'll see you guys tomorrow. And he goes in the house

and he eats. I forget the plot. Yeah, he's a punctual badass. But that once that shit started, I drive. Like, I never even went to see Game of Death the first time. Like,

When they released game at that... Yeah, because they patch that together, yeah. Yeah, I didn't go none of those. I was done. All those Bruce... I didn't go to the... First festival I went to was 93. His 20th anniversary.

They did this thing. They released Dragon in New York. I was there. Oh, yeah. I went to the festival. It was pretty cool. It was a good. Yeah.

Pretty fucking good. It was like a Disney version of... Right. Bruce Lee's real life, you know. And it showed people spit and I don't even call them, you chink fuck and all that shit. And they didn't show them to that. Which is the truth.

They didn't really fucking dig him at first, you know? Then when they started digging him, the Chinese started hating him because he's teaching Kung Fu to white people. And they're like, dog, you can't be teaching Kung Fu to white people. That's how secret weapon. That's how to fuck these motherfuckers up in the year 2017. But he shows a few white people, then it's in every strip mall across the country between a dry cleaners and a hoagie shop, you know?

It was... Karate schools were mobbed. Yeah. karate schools, every teacher started at 3.30, and he didn't get out of there until 10. And it was all our classes. Yeah. You know, kids, advanced kids, men's 13 to 15, 21. And then if you were good 13 to 15, you could stay until 10 and spar and the whole thing.

And that was me. Yeah. I was one of those nerds, man. So fucking sophomore year in high school, I would hang out with those morons on the weekends who, you know, when I stopped hanging out with them is when I started doing drugs. Like, I couldn't do drugs around. Yeah.

So I had my reefer friends and my drinking friends and had my karate friends. My karate friends went to the city on Saturdays and we went to karate stores with Honda. Yeah. We would sit there and dream. Someday I'm going to get that pad. Wow, it's $56.

That's a lot of money. And then we'd get out like a protein drink in the city and we'd go to a Chinatown and go to a Kung Fu movie. My other buddies were like, fuck it. We'd smoke a joint and do T.H.C. Crystal, the gorilla biscuits. Jesus Christ. Angel dust.

And we'd go into Chinatown and eat that leather and buy fireworks and stolen shit. Either way, you're throwing Chinese stars at something. Yeah, right? We would buy Chinese stars. But there was only one thing with Chinese stars. They never came sharpened. So people would go home and start throwing them at people and nothing would happen. They would just go, ouch.

And you're expecting the fucking star to stick in their arm or something. Oh, my God. You've had to find somebody to fucking sharpen them. And then people were like, nah, you're just. sharpen him. There was one guy we found in a hardware store in the Bronx. He'll sharpen anything. He'll sharpen anything for three bucks. Was he in the hardware

store just like behind the hardware store? They can't have little kids with just throwing stars. Yeah, when you buy those stars, you can buy them at right around the corner of Lancash. Yeah, you can buy them anywhere. At Gene LaBelle's place. Yeah. There's only one by the way. They're not fucking sharp.

No. You got to get those things to somebody who's got the... Yeah. And do all four sides and you can cut a finger. You have to put like your finger in between. Don't those things go into the can't come out or something or tears everything up? Oh, those things are a nightmare. When those things are sharp, you can fuck somebody's world up with those things. Jesus.

Don't give him an idea. I had a friend one time throw a dart at his brother. It was brilliant. We still talk about it when we get to get out of barbecue. She was giving him shit. He was giving her shit and she was playing darts. And she's like, say that to me one more time. Long darts?

Those fucking darts that you throw out the wall? Yeah. They stick in the pad and people playing bars. Darts. Okay, there's small ones. I thought it was like a long one. And we were outside. It was a pool party.

Yeah. And everybody was having a good time. And it was brother-sister. They got into an argument. The sister's like, say that again to me. And I'll fucking throw this dart at your head. And he called her like a fucking cunt. And he goes, really?

And she just started whipping star in him. And he's trying to block him. And two of them went right into his kneecap. And I never forget him going down going, I'm going to fucking kill you when I pull this this fucking thing out. And him pulling it out like nothing. Like it was just a, It was just another day at the fucking thing.

What's up, Steve Barron? Talk to me, brother. Dude, good to be here. Thank you so much for having me. How was the special? How was the reports on the Showtime special? Yeah, it was good. Yeah, they were all happy with it.

People checked it out. It's on Showtime now. You could stream it. It called Tell the Damn Joke. And, you know, I, you know, I'm not one of those guys that has an hour every year, like some people. I try to do it every two, two and a half years. maybe three, because I want it to be pretty good. But I think like hours are done now.

Hours are not special anymore because there's so many. I think there are, it's like the TV show is almost like the new hour special. Because to get that, it's really difficult. It's hard to get. Whereas nowadays, I mean, you remember 10 years ago, to get a Comedy Central half hour was almost unattainable. You had to really work your ass off for it. But then everybody got it. and now with C-Sos and Netflix and Showtime, HBO and everything,

now it's like... Every time you turn your head, there's no billboard in sunset. Yeah. And it's kind of like weird because now they're going to become very... Oh, I don't need to watch this one. I'll just wait until I get 10 of them. Yeah. And watch them all at one time, like binge watching.

I watched T.J. Miller's. Yep. I don't have Showtime. So I don't have Showtime. I don't have Showtime. I don't know what my wife. I go, what happens? She goes, I took it out of the package because we don't watch anything.

Dexter got canceled. I didn't fucking. No. I didn't even know what the show I am. You were consulted on this. I was what? You were not consulted on this decision. No. How was TJ's special?

Different. Yeah. For HBO. It was very different. I applaud him. He's always been different, though. He's always eccentric and taking chances and risks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it was different. I watched it two times. You know, I can't watch and watch anybody special a whole hour or anything. Yeah. I watched the first half hour, digest it. I think about something. And I go back, watch half of that. and then watch the rest of it

and see how he does the whole sequence and the whole thing. Yeah. He's a neat kid, man. He's a good dude, too, on top of it. But I think it's weird because, like, if you're a musician, like, you hear all those stories about the Beatles

and Hendricks and the Beach Boys, they were all listening to each other and influencing each other. And I think some stand-up, stand-up isn't like that, though. I don't think most stand-ups sit down and watch other comics. I think stand-ups are just more isolated

and they aren't willing to be influenced because I think part of you is scared of like something bleeding through and taking away from your own individuality, I guess. But I don't know, it's like I haven't seen an hour special a long time until Chappelle's two came out. And then I was like, I'm watching these. What did you think? I thought the first one was fucking great. And the second one was good. Really?

I thought the opposite. Really? Yeah. So everybody has different opinions. Yeah. It's, but they're still great. You know what I mean? And it's still him.

He's at the top of his game. He always is. But I thought the first one was just like fucking lights out. My favorite thing, Steve Byrne, as a comic, number two, like, you know, you have your favorite things as a fucking, I love getting high. And sneaking into the original. Yeah. And sitting in the back in the old days when nobody used to be back there. No.

See, 10 years ago, there was nobody back there. Yeah. So you could sit back there and people thought you were accustomed. them with a glass of water. Yeah. They didn't know you were a comic. And I loved getting there about 10 after 9. Even though your spots are 11.

Yeah. Getting nice and stoned and just sitting and watching comedy. Yeah. And it used to be the best for me. Like, just to see why these guys were at the comedy store. Yeah. Like I used to say, well, let's see what the fuck. There's got to be something.

Yeah. You know, sometimes we're in there. We get off stage. We killed. And somebody goes up there. We watch for three minutes. but where energy's flying. We can't sit in there no more.

That's it. The original room, I gotta get the fuck out of it. I got to breathe. I need some of that. I just did 15 fucking minutes and worked my ass all. But there's time for me to watch comedy.

I gotta tell you something, guys. It doesn't work for me at the house. Sorry. Not anymore. Doesn't come. Even my special, first time I watch 20 minutes. Oh, you're on?

Yeah, like I put it on C-So, but it's tough to watch. I love comedy still. It's still the best way. I loved it. I still realized after 26 years that I still loved what I used to go to the comedy works as a fucking construction estimate. And I'd sit in the back and drool and go, fuck, how do I do this? Yeah, every now and then, like, at the store, I'll be walking through and I'm like, oh, just watch.

It's really good. I saw Garland the other night. I was watching Garland, and he just was on this rant, and it was so fucking funny. and I was just, I became a customer and it's been a long time since I wasn't a comedian judging or whatever. It's really a fucking great thing. You leave their feeling really good. Even if you bomb, yeah.

Yeah. Like there's nights you go down there, you look at your schedule. And you go, who's up there? You know, what am I going to do, sit in the house and torture myself to fucking 1045? That's what you do. At 8 o'clock, you're like, why am I here? I'm going to write down. No, no, I'm not.

Yeah. I'm going to play with the kid or go on a fucking computer and see what's on Facebook. Let me just go down there. Well, that's a great thing about the store, though, is the camaraderie, too, is that the other night, I got these kids now, I got the wife, you know, I drive out from Pasadena, I go into the store, I do my set, fun crowd, fun room, Sebastian's up next. I'm like, you know, I haven't seen him in a while, I'm going to watch Sebastian. I watch Sebastian dying. Ross goes up, Jeff Ross, watch him, fucking dying. Two different styles.

Two different styles. And then Ross and I, I go, dude, that was so fucking great. What are you doing? I'm like, ah, is going to go, come have a drink with me. We have a drink. Next thing I know we're at some buddy's birthday party in the hills. Then we go down to One Oak. We go on in One Oak.

Mike Young is at a booth. It's just like, it made me feel like I was 20 again. It was like, I'm hanging out with comics. It's Saturday. I had no intention of going out. And I just had like the greatest night. And it's because of Ross and Mike Young and Sebastian. The store is the best.

I love this kid. I love Lisa. I am with all my heart. And I thought that from time to time he was surprised. surprised me. Nothing. Yeah. I got to surprise this poor fucking kid.

Yeah. You know, when I was 28, I was surprised you every other week, you know what? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Machine gun, I got something for you. Yeah. 28, this is how I live. This guy's watching Orange is the new black dining

and getting married. If I wouldn't fucking talk him out and get married, he'd be shacked up already. Yeah, no. But yeah, then I went down to the store on Sunday, then I watched Paul Mooney. Yeah. You know, and when I was at the store in the beginning,

he was the guy. that I followed. Yeah. She sure just made me follow him. I mean, just walking in there and seeing him then. I tell him, don't you want to go back and talk to him? I'm like, you know what? Not really.

Yeah. Just seeing him brings back all these memories. And sometimes you fucking need that, man. Yeah. We really do. Yeah, I think that, you know, it's weird because it goes and ebbs and flows. Like, I did this hour special. I put it out there.

You know, you work your ass off for two and a half years. you put it out. And a few years ago, you put it on our special. You get some tweets back. Everything's so diluted now because they're so much. They're flood in the market with gold. And I feel like these corporations, and I don't blame them. They've got to find content.

They've got to provide content for their subscribers. So they're doing what they can. And comedy is so cheap. So they're making all these hour specials. But I feel like all these different networks that are doing that are putting out all this content and eventually it's going to get saturated and the people that are going to suffer the most are the comics because we're going to have to go through this period again where after the 80s in the 90s there was this lull and then the internet came in

Dane Cook blew it up and then slowly I think the internet helped advance so many comics to get their word out to get the material out and I mean look at like Louis I mean the guy's releasing shit on his website. And that wasn't possible 10 or 15 years ago because there was no internet, you know, prior to like, you know, all the capabilities we have now. So I just think it's a weird time

for stand-up. And me personally, when I put the hour out, I was so proud and everything, but I just needed to be inspired again and go in there and then seeing everybody and seeing all the great work and seeing, you know, just all the, I don't know, just being

in the shop again. Got me Like, you know, you got to get back to work again. No, you got to go to the store. You got to go to the store. Listen, I'm 54. When I walk in the store, I feel like a pedophile. Number one. Number two, I still remember being 37 and being a regular at the store.

And there were these 50-year-olds that would sit there at night, like begging for a spot. Yeah. I used to feel bad for them. Listen, I can get five spots a week if I call. Yeah. I just don't. You know, I'll go to the hundred. I'll go to fucking, you know, flappers.

I'll hide. I like to hide. I love going to the ice house, you know. But if I go to the store once a week, that's going to batting cages for me enough. Yeah. Probably with the store is you go down there, you have a 1030s, but you do bump into something

that you haven't seen in a while. Yeah. You go to the back, you have a drink, you smoke a joint. I still have to drive up a Bloor Canyon dog. That's a motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's not here in Hollywood.

And I'm not, listen, I'm too old to leave my car. and come back in the fucking morning. Yeah, yeah. That worked when you're 35, and people understood it. When you're 54, like, really? You know what I'm saying? I still got it.

I still got it. Okay. So it just feels really weird. But going to the store is still a stripe on my shirt. Yeah. Look, when you think about all the great clubs, the store started it, you know? And the fact that you're part of that legacy,

you're part of that history, you're part of one of those bricks that will always be there. I mean, to get your name painted on the wall, it's still to this day. Yeah, you can get those hour specials, but it's a very select few that get past the comedy seller. It's a very, very select few that get past in the comedy store. And I think that's really the badge of honor. At the end of the day, when all this is said and done, one day I'm going to take my kids and go, I was a regular here.

I used to come here all the time, and I was part of this history. And it'll still be around, and I know there would be some relevant comics back then, but to know that these kids get to go, my dad did that shit. It was pretty fucking old. Yeah, my dad, your dad's name is right up on that wall. Pretty sweet.

All right, so I got here January 29th. I get to the improv, in those days, when did you get here? 2004? All right, so I was here seven years ahead of you. So when I got here was supposed to be the big Latin explosion.

Toughest ticket on Monday night was the laugh factory, Latino night. Couldn't get in there. People line up outside, Pablo, Paul. Carlos

fucking crazy Pablo was unreal when he did Seinfeld in Spanish and shit oh my God I was like what the fuck

yeah and then the improv had a Latin night so because a Latin night I got passed in the improv right away and then the laugh factory

he hated me Jamie but Gilbert ran Monday night so Monday night I got spots I got 20 minute spots that's all that mattered that he wouldn't even step foot in there on Monday nights. He didn't even know who was going up on Mondays.

So that was good. The comedy store was the one that since day one, people always came up to me and said, Mitzie ever see you yet? I don't know. And they go, oh boy, that's your club. And I thought, what are you talking about? And Angel Salazar, I worked for him,

and he's like, bro, wait until Mitzie sees you. And I'm like, really? Yeah. And sure enough, I was a regular. I was a regular within a month. Wow. I got here, I got here January 19th. I became a regular on my birthday.

Oh, fuck. February 19th. Really? I wasn't even here a month. But I got on the list and they said six-month waiting list. Yeah. Doug Stanhope sponsored me and somebody else. It was like two or three people called Scott Day.

Okay. And Scott Day called me on a Friday at six dog. And he goes, listen, I got a fallout for Sunday. You want to go up in front of Mincy? Yeah. Fuck yeah Oh my God I was like this is it

I went up to three minutes She goes can you come back next week And do 10 Fuck yeah Yeah Are you really Cuban I like you and people You know maybe you should dress up like Fidel

And get a beard And go up there and tell jokes People would like that I'm like okay And I'm like I hope she's not serious Yeah And the next week I went up there Did my 10 and she's like

You're a regular net That's great And I was like, oh my God, but I couldn't get a manager, could not get an agent, could not get anybody to talk to me. Montreal, fuck you. Yeah. It was like a fuck you fest. But the only person who gave me spots every week was Mitzie Shaw. It's all that mattered because you're doing the work.

And it didn't really matter. Yeah. In those days, it was like, you know what bitch? Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you. I'm following Paul Mooney four nights a week. What have you done late, bitch?

And I've died all four nights. but what have you done? Eventually, you figure out the puzzle. See, and that's what that forced me to do. Yeah. Like, Paul Mooney, like I always tell people, Richard Pryor showed me the door. Paul Mooney really showed me how to go through it

because he was always on before me. Yep. And I didn't know how long he was going to do, so I'd have to sit there. Sometimes it was 25, sometimes it was 45, sometimes it was 55. But I'd be watching him.

And for the first three months, I couldn't figure out the puzzle of following. It was not going up there and doing your 8.30 show material. Yeah. It's called the 1. Take that material and light it on fire and save that for old people, the casino, because this ain't going to work at the store at 1245. Yeah.

It makes you fucking just start talking fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, when I was at the comedy seller, my first seven years, Lampinelli or I did the 145 or 130 spot. So we had to close out the show And so Chappelle would come in

Comics would leave I'm going home Because he'd do two hours, three hours But I never left I always fucking stayed I always stayed and I was like I'm gonna follow him You know 23, 24 years old

You're not following him You're like what I was really doing Was learning how to follow Figure the puzzle like yeah exactly Crack the puzzle Yeah those seven years Chappelle, Chris Rock, Seinfeld,

Robin Williams, didn't matter. I was like, fearless. I was like, I will follow anybody because that's why I'm here. I'm here to learn. And I always knew that early on. Then I'm going to use this as like the comedy seller was college to me.

And yeah, I think it's, I think ultimately what you realize after following all those people is the audience, I think a young comic goes, oh fuck, how am I going to match Chappelle? How am I going to be on the same scale? It's like,

not because once Chappelle leaves, the audience has flipped the page. Yeah, they're excited, but showtime, go. We're waiting. Let's go. Let's get to your fucking shit. So you got to smash them quick and you got to keep that train going. Otherwise, you're going to die exactly all the things that you're thinking as you're sitting in the back of the room. Oh, my God. You sit back there and you're like, oh shit. And then they were closed like, David, Paul Mooney wouldn't even bring you up. Yeah. Oh, he just leave? He just put the mic in and say good night. Oh, Oh, fuck. Good night, Negroes.

And you had a run up tango. Keep it going for Paul Mooney. And the nut, like, if you said something else about Paul Mooney, you just died. Yeah. Like, I figured that out quick. Every time you go, Paul Mooney's a funny guy. Keep it going to go for him a more time. The Godfather, you just died.

Yeah. You just died. Now they're going to go, okay, so he's the Godfather. What are you got for us? Yeah. No. You got to go up there. Keep it going for Paul Mooney.

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? And you just got to jump on them. Yeah. You cock suckers. It's 1245. I'm here to sling dick and give out bubble gum. I got a grandma rock in my pocket. I'm ready to snort some blow and eat somebody's asshole.

And then you go into material. Yeah. All right, you got our attention. You fumigated the room. You just fumigated the room. Yeah. So now we're down to eight, but I'm getting that $15. Yeah.

At the store, it was the battle for $15. Like, they had battle for network stars. They brought it back. Yeah. At the store, it was like, let's enjoy this, three people. But if you want to go to $15, we'll let you go off. for one we'll go sit in that like that it was that bad oh yeah yeah yeah you need the 15 dollars or 15 in those days yeah five more i got a 20 from chewing you know what I'm saying

but you learned oh yeah let me tell you something that comedy teaches you when you bite into comedy you eliminate one of the biggest fears in your life there's something about getting into stand-up comedy that that's where the biggest high is because from the beginning when you come to me Lee, we're your three best friends, me Lee and Tom Segoor and we're fucking construction workers

and we giggle and you come to all three of us one night and go so Tuesday night is my first open mic guy and we all look here like this is Pittsburgh what open mic you're talking about Steve Byr I'm going to try comedy man I've always wanted to be a comedian all three of us are going to fucking laugh at you

and whatever and goof on you I'm going to tell you we love you and we'll be down there to support you and you're going to bomb and we're going to crack jokes on you for the next three weeks and shit you're going to crack some jokes on that or something where you're going to whisper that night

you're on stage and they're going to call you fucking Stevie whispers something you know what I'm saying there's always something and there's so much to overcome plus the income factor especially early on yeah that's the toughest thing

so when you make that commitment and the one day you go that's it I'm going to become financial financially independent doing comedy. I made $800 last month. If I made $800 last month, I'm going to go for $900 this month. And you actually make $925. Let me go

for $1,100. And that's what it becomes. It really becomes. But that first $300, it's hard. Yeah. That first... Like, when I first started comedy, my lucky thing was I was making $200 a month doing comedy. My first year, comedy, I made $2,400. As a host at a restaurant,

on Tuesdays from 8 to 10. 200 a month they gave me your menu I'd go in there during the week and order solving Blanc and they got a Blanc put it on my Tuesday tab A Blonde Whatever the fuck it is I don't know why

But that was I made money from the beginning 200 a month That don't do nothing But I would also sell Valium And Coke So at my shows on Tuesday I would make you buy a ticket

They thought I was selling tickets But not really Steve Brin you want to say Yeah Where can I meet you? Meet me at the broker at 830 What's going on at the broker? I'm doing comedy

Do I have to pay to get in? Yeah, 10 bucks. Who gives a fuck? I'm going to give you the best Coke in town. I'll see you at 11.30. I just hang up on you. And there Steve Bernkos, and he pays for a ticket. Yeah.

I give him a gram and maybe a cordy. He gives me 90 bucks. I gave me a little extra thanks for coming. You know what I'm saying? Sit out and get a drink. I did a contest. Yeah. And after the first week, I watched it,

and I realized this guy didn't win because he was funny. This guy won because he brought 11 idiots from his job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the first time I did, I brought him. like eight people, I won. I was the funniest that night to fuck those motherfuckers. Then the second time I didn't bring nobody, and I still won.

The second time I didn't bring nobody. Then the third time it was for the finals, and I brought about 20 people for my gambling job, and I won. And then for the night I won, I bought it like 118 motherfuckers, 80 of them looking for a package of blow. I made them stay till the end,

until I got the 5-1-all-check in my hand. Oh, there you go. That's great. Once I got the 5-1-all-all-checked my hand, celebrate it. cocaine for everybody. I figured out that if I sold drugs at the places, I get people to come.

I didn't do it in New York. I would do it sometimes in New York. I would go to New York Comedy Club. You've got to bring three people. People would say to me, if you're going into the city, can you pick something up for me? And I go, absolutely.

Are you going to meet me in this city? And they go, yeah, I go, do me a favor. I go to New York Comedy Club at 8 o'clock. I'm doing four minutes. I get in. And I'll give you the Coke when I'm there. Or sometimes I make them come and I make them give me a ride to Harlem.

You didn't get it yet? No, I got to go to the Harlem. Motherfucker, we thought you were going to have it. I was, but I got chased by the cops. I didn't get chased by no fucking cops. Yeah, but the toughest, I think, like, especially at the beginning, yeah, you worry about how am I going to make money?

That's the toughest thing. Psychologically, the toughest thing. Once you try stand up the first time, it'll never get scarier than that. You already did it. The first time you do it is the most, that's the trial by fire. Because the whole time you're waiting to do it, you're scared as fuck, how's this going to go,

you have no idea, you don't have any wherewithal of what you're doing or comprehending anything. You can't read the crowd. You don't know how to do crowd work. You don't know how to do material because you don't have material. I think once you finish that first time, some people get scared off after doing it the first time. I'm like, oh, I can never do that again. It's like, it'll never get harder than what you just did. Now you have some semblance of experience.

so you can only get better from there because at least now you kind of got a lay of the land but so many people cut tail and run after that first time which you know it's fine but for me I was always at the mindset of like once you did it it's like it's all downhill

from here like this fucking guy once he ate a pot cookie it was all downhill after that yeah when we ever had a single edible you know I'm okay How long was your procrastination period, Steve Byrne, from the thought to getting on stage?

Well, I worked at Caroline's Comedy Club, you know, just sweeping the floors and answering the phones. Never been to a stand-up show ever in my life. And then I watched like a new talent showcase that they had on Thursday nights of Carolines. I was like, that looks like fucking fun. So four months, four months, I worked up the nerve and I wrote some stuff I thought was funny. And I went up at Stand-Up, New York for my third. first set ever, went really well, and then the next week I went to New York Comedy Club, and this guy named Roger Paul was in the audience, and he gave me his card. He goes, how long

he'd been doing? I go twice. He goes, what? I go, I've been on stage twice. He goes, meet me tomorrow, so I met him. And I had a manager after my second time on stage, and then he started putting me on the road. I was emceeing. I was making shit money, but I didn't give a fuck. The money didn't mean anything to me. I was working. Working. I was doing stage time. That's all that matter. That's All the matter to me. I'm only thinking of fire, Roger. I think maybe like two years. Two years.

But then I was working. Once I got passed at the cellar, all the clubs in New York City fell like dominoes. And the seller was the first club I got past at. Then the comic strip, then Gotham, then stand up New York. All the clubs fell in line. And then all of a sudden, I just stayed in New York for five, six years. I just stayed in New York and I made a living doing eight or nine spots on a Friday, eight or nine spots on a Saturday

and I would make you know you'd make $75, $100 a set I mean that's good money for 23, 24 years I was able to live in the city in Manhattan just doing stand-up for seven years and then got a half hour out of that and then I started seeing all the comics in New York and I was like they all kind of plateaued

and there's only I was like not a lot of these guys are all funny but they don't have shows they're not in movies and I was like I got to move to L.A. because these guys have conquered New York. I conquered New York, but I want more. I want everybody. I want everything.

And that's when I moved to L.A. Did you want movies in the beginning? When you first got into standup, did you think about it? No, I just thought about stand-up because I was so infatuated that, like you said, it was like the greatest high. I'm not a drug guy or anything. I drink whiskey. But it's like nothing to me in life compares to. having a notebook, writing something, just the thought,

and then going that night to the club and slowly figuring out the puzzle how to piece it together. And to me, that is the greatest, it's so redemptive. I don't know, there's just nothing better than that other than my family. I still can't believe I'd do it.

Like when I'm in a call, I'm waiting on an airport, I can't believe what just happened. I just did five shows. People showed up. They laughed. I took a bunch of pictures. And right before I'm getting out of the car at the airport, I'm like, how the fuck did this happen?

Yeah. And I think back to 94, 93 driving a limo in L.A. New York and stopping at New York Comedy Club. In those days, I think I did New York Comedy Club and something else uptown and everything else was Hamburg Ailes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, old AAA. Holy shit, yeah.

Oh, I used to do all that. All those, yeah. That's so funny. You old triple in, look at this poor bastard. The old triple in opened up at 11. You didn't get up until 3.30 in the morning, you know. Yeah. It was something that when I went to New York, I realized how hard I had to work.

Yeah. Like I had to really go, well, if I want to do this, this is what I need to do. What I'm doing right now is completely unacceptable. Yeah. But I can't do this in this large scale. Yeah. You know, 181st Street was my health. I could go there with 25 bucks and get a gram of tremendous cocaine.

Yeah. And it was always my pit stop, whether I was going over or coming back, you always got 25 bucks. Yeah. I would go, but they were open until two, you know? Yeah. And they were always there, you know, so I was like, I'm never going to grow with that shit, that accessible. Yeah. It's everywhere.

I don't mind driving a half hour, but that kind of deters it for a guy like me. but this shit I'm just walking a mile because I lived in Fort Lee. Yeah, yeah. I could just walk over the bridge. Hooker left, walk around, boom. Yeah, you're right there, yeah. And then I take an A train down

and I take the bus back over Port Authority so the cops wouldn't even see it. Right on the west side, ACE. What do you think of a deal with Joey bananas? I could go over and get three ounces of Coke and nobody would ever know. Everybody's getting pulled over because they're watching for cars.

Yeah. And they would go, how the fuck do you do it? I'd go watch me. Yeah. I'd walk over the bridge like nothing happened, make the left, walk, pick up three, four ounces of blow, walk over, get a Cuban meal on a hundred and like 76th Street and go away. And then I'd walk down to the train station and I'd take the A train down, walk around 42nd Street for two, three minutes, got a steak on a stick with the white bread. You know me, dog, I'm the old real deal. If you got hepatitis, I got it.

I was the first one buying those steaks on the sticks from Arabs and putting fruit. Frank's hot sauce on him with a can of Coke. That was my fucking diet for about a year in NYC, though. My spot was the guy right outside the fucking Port Authority across from Pornow World. Before they

cleaned it up, there was a big porn thing to the and the laugh factory moved in there for a while. Yeah, yeah. Right there with him. Like on a... Like ath. A year. That's the movie theaters. Right there. Yeah. Right there, he was right there for years. You walk by, he'd be cooking those little goat meat on a steak. I didn't give a fuck.

Yeah. You know, I had $62. $25 was going to Coke. You know, I still needed beer. I'd still need to buy. Three bucks for goat meat. Sure. No, it was $2.

Two bucks for goat meat. With a piece of wonder bread? Come on, though. Who's better than you in a can of Coke? Frank's hot sauce? Frank's hot sauce kills the germs. Yeah. That New York living was hard for me.

That was $2.99. Really? Where did you live in New York? I lived in Fortley. I signed up for a boxing gym. I bought it already, ran across the street upstairs in the second floor, 60 a month, and they gave me a locker. So I hid my suit in there, an extra pair of jeans, toothbrush, hair gel, t-shirts, short.

Just in case you're in the city, you've got a rock and roll, you get an audition. You know me? In those days, I was Johnny Hustle. I was horrifically bad. Horrifically bad. I would go to auditions, and they would just look at me and go, oh, God. I thought I wanted to be an improv guy. Yeah.

And the only character I had was worn a junkie. like do your famous character and I would nod and then go yeah man and he'd be on a new newspaper what else do you got? That's it thank you for coming in there. They just saw 85 junkies everybody in New York was a junkie in those days

like I just was and it wasn't working for me so I said for me to really make it work I got to move back to Colorado but if I move back to Colorado I got to make a deal with myself my whole focus will be standing yeah seven nights a week six fucking every fucking night.

And that's exactly what I did. Yeah. I made it my focus for a year and a half. I always thought, I know this sounds so stupid, but that Sinatra song, New York, New York. That line, if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. That's the truth.

I always felt that way. And I always thought one day you're going to feel like you, when you feel like you did enough in New York, that's when you move. And when I was doing, again, like nine shows a night on a Friday or Saturday, every club, I was like, you did it. As a comet, you've done every fucking room you can do. So why not go get the rest of the country now?

Do you know, danger fields too? Oh, danger fields. Yeah, yeah. That was my spot. Because that was the only place in the city you could do 30 minutes, a 30 minute set. And then great burgers. Do you still do it? I haven't been in Dangerfields in probably 10, 12 years.

I stopped in probably 12 years ago to say hi to the staff and have a drink. And that was kind of it. But, uh... I've never performed there. I like to perform there before they close. it's something that you should still use rotary phones from back in the day and the thing I loved about performing at danger fields

wasn't necessarily the crowds because there was never crowds there unless it was Friday Saturday it's bridge and tunnel coming in and out we gotta go you know take the old lady to danger fields the hot spot right but Monday Tuesday man there's fucking nobody there but the best was Tony the owner he had all these stories about Dangerfield

and I would just sit and just tell me another story And he had all these great fucking stories about Dangerfield. Like when they did the premiere for Caddyshack in Hollywood, all the stars are pulling up in front of Man's Chinese theater. Limos, Chevy Chase comes up in a limo. Ted Knight comes up in a limo. And Dangerfield, you know, no respect. He pulls up in a tow truck,

and his car's getting towed by the tow truck, and he gets out. And he tips the tow truck driver going, make a loop around. I'll be back in a minute. And he's saying, I don't know my toe truck. take a big. It's just like, that is so fucking funny to me that he even even at the premiere, he was like still no respect. I got to get a joke

out of this. Fucking so funny. I love them. Oh, God. It's still this day kills, by the way. I mean, you could go back and watch a danger kill set and you're like, God damn it, it's so fucking funny. I fucking it's, I don't know

what happened. I think I saw him in the tonight show. And then there was a word on the street. that he was in a movie. And that's it. Like, everybody I know, like six of us. I'll never forget that it was a hot summer day. We bought beers.

Like, these guys showed up with beers. Like, we're going in a new Rodney movie. I'm like, and it was easy money. Oh, yeah. That's how old I am, dog. I want to see easy money in the movie theater. Billy Joel did the theme song. Oh, my God.

I don't know. Easy money. I remember that, yeah. Oh, my God. And he's going through the paperwork. and you can find them money and horse tickets and rolling papers. Did you write that movie? Sounds like your life.

Who? Joey Diaz. No, you know, man, they were thinking of redoing it and they won't redo it. The wife said, not in a million years. And I got to respect it. If they redid it, I like Joe Pesci's part. Yeah. Joe Pesci's part was off the fucking chain.

He was a good, when the scene opens and he's trimming his armpit hair. He lives at his mother's house. That's all hysterical. Yeah. Unless you're part of that. The wedding with the Puerto Rican girl. Call me Dad. Why don't you call me Dad?

All that shit is classic. That chick that played the daughter. She went on to become somebody fucking huge. I still use that line from when the mother walks in and says, look at you. Your eyes are bloodshot and you smell of reefer and alcohol and God knows what else or something. Yeah. And he slays in the, and then all that scene about, you know, where, it's shaken back. Really?

Where's your father? He's taking baby pictures. What type of baby is up at 9 o'clock at night? They go right to a strip club. Yeah. And he's like, show it to me, you're dirty or. That's a classic scene. Yeah.

And then Joe Pesci gets into it. The guy grabs the chick. He grabs the tits. And the guy comes out. He goes, oh, whoa, what's going on? And Joe's like, what's going on here? And he goes, who are you? Who am I?

Who am I'm the guy that put the bathrooms in this joke. And if you know anything about East Coast people, that's so, yeah. Every once in a while, somebody, who am I? Who am mine? Yeah, I put the bathrooms in this church. You know who I am? You know what my cousin is.

Yeah. Wait, who's your cousin? Let me tell you, come here. Nikki Tuna. Who's Nikki Tuna? You know, like, you're like, what the fuck you're talking about? And you're like, okay, I get it. Your cousin's in the mob or something.

But they said, you know, oh, my, oh, my. Yeah. Oh, my. I'm the guy that put the bathrooms in this job. I don't know what I'm supposed to do for that guy. What do you do for the guy who put the bathrooms in the place? Are you supposed to respect him? In his mind.

And then the guy says to him, no wonder the place, and I was like, shit. And Joe Pesci jumps over. Yeah. And then they're at the restaurant, and they're trying to eat all his food. That scene is brilliant. Yeah. The most brilliant scene in that movie. that not too many people catch

is him and whatever at the park eating hot dogs. But he gets something different and they're sitting there and all of a sudden he's like, I don't know if this diet's going to work. He says it's got to work. You got to do it

for your family. If you got to do it for love and also jump as she goes, look at that guy over there. You see that over there? That's real love. And they show a guy with a rain jack on bouncing a killer off. thing with a hat on like very incognito. He's rubbing the kids back.

And Joe Pesci goes, you see that? You see that over there? That's love. Look at the way that. No, Rodney's selling it to Nikki. Nicky, you see that that's love. Look at the way he's bouncing that kid off his lap. That's a father's love. And all of a sudden the mother comes into the scene with the cop. And she goes, there he is, my little precious Jimmy. And he goes, who's this?

I don't know. I was just sitting here, mine in my own business, and the kid jumped on my lap, and he goes, can I see an ID piece? And very subtly, you hear the guy goes,

ID, it's in my other rain jacket. You don't really hear it, but you hear it. Like, that is a brilliant, like, that movie had so many little, subtle, funny, all those movies from the 80s still make me,

I just watched, what did I watch on the road two days ago? And I got to tell you something, it took me for a mental ride. Yeah. Breakfast Club. Oh, great, yeah.

Breakfast Club will fuck with your head. You'll think about a bunch of shit you were doing back in the 80s eating pussy and shit. Yeah. Everybody's eating somebody's pussy like Molly Ringmore. I had a girlfriend like Molly Ringwald. I had a freckle on a pussy. I love that. Those redheads always got a freckle somewhere.

They're teddy's their pussy. I had a girlfriend just like Molly Ringwall for all of them. I love those redheads. Yeah. Ginger. Pale? Yeah, I love redheads. Yeah.

Pale, but they got a little color. I don't see you as a discerning. I think. anything. What do you mean? Back in the day, anything, right? As a dude? I don't like short girls.

That's not too bad. I mean, I don't like short stocking. Like a gymnast? Yeah, I don't like, I don't like that. I mean, pussy's pussy, but I don't like it. I want a little sleek or a little taller. Yeah. I like them around 5, 6, 5, 7.

I like a woman that will take an elbow. I'm not called 911, you know what I'm saying? your elbow in the throat, it's all right. It just happens from time and the time. That's a joke, people. You know, I like them sometimes built. You know, I like them dirty. Like that chick at the comedy store, the one waitress that's big girl.

She's from Michigan, big girl. She always wears yoga pants. Her ass is huge. I would tear that ass up if I wasn't a married dude. She even has a dirty look to it like she goes to work without washing her bush. Like she's one of those girls that leaves out. She washes everything else, but. washes in the morning at eight.

She goes at eight and washes her monkey, but the best of six, she goes to work without washing the monkey, and you go up and down those fucking belly room stairs ten times. I'll bring that wang out of that monkey, you know what I'm saying? Every time I see, I'm like, her pussy's so fucking good right now.

Yeah. I can taste it and shit. I'm like Hannibal Lecter from long distance. Really, you ready for three more stars? We've got to take it to the next limit. I don't think. I think we had enough stars on it. No, no, no, no.

We're going to eat three more stars. Steve Byrne is here. It's a beautiful night to be alive. What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? We're on the mission this week. I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going to take the family on a little two-day fucking vacation.

Nice. Time of time, Steve Byrne. If not, they get caged, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Smell that Steve Burns. Tell the people home what that smells like. Oh, Jesus Christ. Maronami, Lee.

Molli, let's go. Yeah, look. Done, look. Boom, one more. Out of respect. I'll have one more. Sure, there's one more. There's two more.

You need two more. I just ate two. Come on, let's go. What the fuck. Let's go. One more out of respect. It's fucking Monday night. I ain't going to see you the rest of a week.

Who loves you, man? Oh, there is. Oh, no. Kill it. It's still here. Let's leave it alone. I want to see what direction it goes. Then I come to me because you're going to be.

Lay, I just saved you. Whoa, there it goes. God damn it. Are you going to eat this? No. Yes. he's going to eat that. He has no choice.

It's Monday night. He has all week for this. No, no, no, no. This is you, because you eat pizza in here, you eat chips and you get Uber eats at night. You're fucking cut. That's right. You get Uber eats at night.

Eat that stop, please. You got to catch up to me. I eat two stars. Come on, let's go. Come on. What's the difference, Lee? What the fuck? Jesus Christ.

He is talking like he just got divorced and she took a half everything. Please. He don't even know. He don't even know that yet. She took everything. He don't even know. She's an attorney. He married an attorney.

He's done. Even if she moves out now, she's taking three quarters of the furniture by California law. This fucking Momo gave her. He gave her half the fortune this fucking Momo. He just met her on the street

up Metz.com. He gave her half the fortune. One more year, she's eligible to all your Getus. Did you know that? That's not to do. Two more years. That's it.

Two years. You're coming law marriage in California. You kick her out? She takes half your salary. Fuck, nut. You'll be doing two. 22 podcasts a day just to survive. You're lucky I'm your Uncle Joey.

You know what I'm saying? You'll be podcasting in your sleep. Lee, are you okay? He's always okay. Eat the star and get it over with, please. Why are you insulting me? Look at a poor Dr. Belisa. She had a piece of chocolate.

She's in the stress. This is a party here, Steve Brent. Look at this. One star. I eat two of them back to back to back. Come on, Lee, please. You're insulting me. You're looking at him.

He's sweating profusiously. No, I'm not. I'm dry as fuck. You want to do a bong hit? Not real. Oh, my God. See, and this doesn't end when the recording stops. It's not like Joey ends

and he's like proper. He's like, oh, that was a good show. This goes for hours. Do you want a bong hit? You want another store? What do you think I'm sitting here? I've got to be a good host. I'm not going to have you sit here if you don't want to do bong hits.

We do bong hits. Maybe he loves you, dude. Steve Byard don't do bong hits. I don't bother him. This is how French treat each other. don't know that? If I had whiskey, I'd be offering it to Steve Brown. He liked whiskey, but he's driving also, so I got to watch this back.

I'm driving, yeah. I'm driving. Yeah, but I don't give a fucking about that. You're used to this. You live four blocks of work. You ain't bothering nobody. Yeah. You don't even see a cop on the ride home.

No, I don't. No, you don't see a car. Yeah, you don't let me. You don't leave you until four in the morning. I'm going to treat you like an orchid sea. You'll eat that star. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, put that in your mouth. Put that back.

No, let's go at one at the time. Put that in your mouth. We did this is the sissy out. Put it in your mouth. Let's go. Put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth. Fucking guest got to catch you. Can you believe what he's trying to do? I'm not hiding.

It's right there. Ladies and gentlemen, you call them. This is what I've been suspecting. You got to digest it in your asshole now. You got to put it in your butthole. This is what I've been suspecting. No. This is fucking day one.

Stealing stars. He will internally take it through your butthole. He got those chocolates and he put them in the fake bag. No, they're not. Oh my gosh. What do you call those kick cats? And he put him in the fake bag. I'm on protest.

And he made a tape. And I could tell he wasn't eating real marijuana because he was eating the chocolate and smiling. Eat that fucking star lead. Don't make me go over and stab you in the heartburn. Oh, come on, man. Let's go. Everybody ate nine tonight.

I ate 10. You got to eat nine tonight. You not eat 10. Yes, I did. Every time it's two more money. I ate 8 plus 2. What's that in you of my fucking country? I didn't eat the star.

Please stop. comply. I ain't them right in front of you. Go back to the videotape. Go back to the videotape. And you'll count eight of them. What happened? What you do? Eat the star first and I give you the paper towel. Did you just go? What's on your pinky? What's on your pinky? What's on your pinky? Okay, well, just lick that. You're a sandwich. You're a man. Eat that with the star. Jesus. Yeah, eat it with the star. Jesus. You have no idea how

it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. What's two more hundred milligrams? And licking your finger going to do the end. Just you're repeating everything. It's hard to believe you say I'm not how. It doesn't even. asking me if I'm okay. Jesus Christ, Lee. This is every week. Last week the kid called me when he left. Danny Brownie goes, I was embarrassed how to talk to Lee like that.

Yeah, because this is every week. Eat the goddamn start knocking off. Lee, honestly, you look very alert. Yeah. Thank you. I thought so. Yeah, like if you were in the exit row of a plane, they'd be like, this guy's definitely a hero. This guy's the pilot.

Yeah. This is every week. This is everywhere we have this conversation. Yeah, because you mean fucking. Hand the mouth. Let's go out of the phone. You know the drill. Let's go, Lee.

What the fuck? It takes so long. There you go. There you go. Do it. Big boy. Big boy. There you go.

There you go. You're like Joey Chestnut with the last Nathan's hot dog. Two minute mark. Wait, are you? Swallow the fucking thing, Lee. Just swallow it, Lee. What do you remember? There you go.

You're a grown man. You did it. There's no more napkins. I see it right there. You did the big voice stuff. We got to have a good time on the show from time. Lee, I'm so proud of you. Thank you.

That motherfucker. Everyone saw that on tape two. Fuck you. You're the good one. I'm just testing you. He's going to wipe the THC off his finger. we got to eat another one before the stars night it's the 4th of July weekend celebration

if you're going to make a comeback you're going to make a comeback what else is going on you said you did a document Terry uh did a documentary yeah just wrapped it you know we have a little bit more work to do obviously but uh the bones of it are done yeah amazing Jonathan

yeah amazing Jonathan uh you know he's a staple in Vegas Comedy Central back in the 90s huge Vegas headliner yeah so he was recently diagnosed with cardiomyopathy and basically like half his heart is dead. And he was told three and a half four years ago that he had a year to live. So he retired and then he made a return to the stage. And I was like somebody should document that.

And I just thought, well, fuck it, I'll just go document it. So I documented it. And then as most documentaries spiral and take a life of their own, it started off as one thing and became something totally kind of different. and heartwarming and sweet. So, you know, we're hoping, fingers crossed it'll come out within the next year, year and a half. Yeah. So he's an amazing story. He's a great guy.

He's fucking hilarious. Like, truly, truly fucking hilarious. And I'm glad that we're creating a vehicle for another generation to get used to him again and see his talent and appreciate him. You okay, Lee? No, I love it. I thought it was hysterical when I was a kid. Where you go away? Because I grew up in the 90s, and I used to love it.

all those Rick Mills Comedy Central presents, yeah, yeah, yeah, all those. Oh, it's so funny, the windmill at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and, uh, I know, Joey, I mean, I'm, I, I like magic. It's, it's, it's cool. I was, I was, I was a fan of his. I mean, not like I die hard, but it was cool. It went, well, yeah. The documentary is pretty, I'm, uh, I didn't know he was sick.

Yeah, are you? Something in there made sense. Take it. It's funny. I saw him once in Seattle. He's looking at me like he's like I'm a prosecutor and he's like did I say the right thing? He's all fucking done this poor bastard. He don't know it yet. He knows I love him today. He's over here fucking rocking every night.

This week he's got a buy. He's got the rest of the week all. He doesn't even have to train. But Lee, when we make a comeback on Sunday, we're hitting this motherfucker with 10 bungs. We're going on a 10 bong tat. So if I was you, I'd take that medium bong home. Start training. And practice over the weekend.

You know, I just thought about a hot dog burp, a good New York City A sad bread dog when you burped that motherfucker with onions and mustard. Oh, come on. After you have a can of Coke, you know that you burped to you. But when you have that burp, you're like, I could have another one now. Oh, fuck. Yeah, it's almost like a, it's almost like a. Do you miss living in New York?

I miss like, I miss the fun of like going from set to set and like that high of going from club to club and reading the room and seeing all your friends. I miss that part. But now with the wife and kids It's like I can never see myself Living in New York City again It's just I don't know I like having a yard

How old are you down state brand 42? You're still going on the road Four weeks a month Yeah You don't take no weeks off I take probably four Five weeks off a year

That's kind of yeah I just grind No no no You know sporadically But I'm grinding You know It's you know What other choice do I have

That's the It's the career I've pursued the last 20 years of my life. And yeah, I mean, definitely it's gotten harder as I've gotten older, especially the last year or two. It's become a lot more difficult because I have a five-year-old and almost a two-year-old. So it's tough to leave the kids, but you've got to keep the lights on, you know? But I think the trap a lot of comics fall into is not staying relevant, not writing, not

creating, not creating different opportunities even for yourself. I've never in a million years thought I'd be directing a documentary film that were submitting to all the festivals. I never had a million years, what I ever, but doing it. And it's just another experience, and it's another creative outlet. So I really appreciate it. And maybe it'll lead to other things. But at the end of the day, if this doc is the only doc I ever did or only film I ever did,

I'd be so proud of it because I really am. I'm really proud of the relationship we conveyed in it. And I showed it to Jonathan. He got up. He said, it's great. I love it. And he left the room. I think maybe to think about what he'd just seen

But hearing his Praise of the film Met more to me than I could never make a dime off of the film And I'd be happy Knowing that he Appreciated and loved what he saw How long is the film?

90 minutes And you cover the whole tour Or just his comeback It's hard to explain But yeah a little bit everything The shame of tax still open from Is she around? She was opening for him years ago.

I don't think so. She was open from him and she was his assistant. Yeah. Who the fuck knows what happened. Yeah. But it's damn good. I think it's something that even most jaded comedians could take a look at and go, that's fucking good.

Because it's, you know, I think when you do those things, it's like, what would I want to see? And this is, that's the reason I did it. It's like, I'd want to see that film. And I was like, well, I'll fucking go do it. I'll see if I can do it. And I think we pulled it. off. Good for you, man.

It's always good to do different things to keep you fresh and calming you off. I look at comics sometimes. I have a new documentary called Hot Dog Burp. You do? That's a good one, too. It's funny how over the years you pay attention to your career. Yeah. But you also keep your eyes on other people.

And since I've been here 20 years, I've watched the rise in full. And how they've done it, how Montreal they went and got a deal. Yeah. Once the deal fell through, they were lost. And it's so weird how the thing about being a comic is that you go through the ups and downs. And I always used, I use it the other night. Margaret Schell, Tom Rhodes, and Greg Heraldo. They were scapegoats of the 90s after Tim Allen's success in Roseanne.

The networks went looking for the next comic superstar. They tried with a Korean-American, they tried with a Spanish kid, and they tried with whatever he was, Greg Heraldo. and all three of them got yanked off the fucking air, you know, Tom Rhodes, you know. And I always think about those guys how they were all like two seasons, three seasons, how I would have felt, you know. And me at the time, at that time, when I moved here, I would have quit comics. That's the type of pussy I am.

Yeah. Now I know that you don't quit comedy. It's your bread and butter. Like people have come and gone since I've been here, Steve, You sit there and go, Jesus Christ, I had, you know, deep conversations about comedy with them. Yeah. How the fuck did they just quit? Yeah.

How the fuck? We just had a great conversation about future, and those guys weren't really real. You know, they didn't like it when the waters got murky. Yeah. Waters get murky for years here. Oh, yeah, yeah. Nothing stays adrift for long in this career. No.

You have three good months, then you have a month of murky waters. then you have two good months then you have another month of murky waters Lee do you see why that bug keeps attacking and it keeps coming back because you reek and you keep eating that hummus and attracts those fucking bugs

maybe it's the stars no see if you eat more stars the THC stinks them away oh there it is on the floor he's going your way Lee kill him come that way there he is come on kill him dead

he's going your way he's saying that Every night we get attacked by a bug And it's always him Last week it was a B with Ralphie Man Maybe you bring them in Are you? I don't know

Listen, let's pretend I bring them in Why do they go to you? Because you've trained them to my sense You don't know my things You have to my sense You have Hollywood friends I don't know if you have bug friends Leave me the fuck alone

There's fuck people Like I hang out with somebody from A&E You cuck sucking And when does this film premiere What do you think? I don't know We're gonna So it's an edit right now

Yeah Yeah, the tail end of editing. Yeah, and then we'll submit it over the, I think by October is when you have to submit it. So it'll be, you know, the edit, sound, color, all that will be done by then. And then we'll submit it and we'll see what happens. But I like our chances. I think it's, you know, of course, you know, when you do it, you think, oh, yeah, it's fucking great. But I really truly believe it's, it's something I'll be, I'm proud of it now.

I'll be proud of it when people get the opportunity to see it, that's for sure. Listen, man, the thing is taking chances. Yeah. That's the most important thing in life. If you don't take chances and you just protect the little that you have, what are you going to grow from it? You're not going to fucking grow from it at all. Yeah.

This is a growth process. This is, if you had came to me 20 years ago and told me this, I would have fucking told you to go fuck yourself. Now I'm the first one that tells the comic. Slow to fuck down. This is not a fucking race, man. Oh, it's a marathon. Totally, yeah.

And you're going to see how many people drop out of this race. Yeah. And next thing you know, there you are. Yeah. Why? Because you're funny and everybody, no. Because you outlast everybody. Yeah.

You're not funny everybody. You just outlast to everybody. You took the number at the deli. Yeah. You know, you take that number at 63? Yeah. It's a long wait. Yeah.

But it's a long wait for the top of Rock and Roll. That deli sign could either go quick. Yeah. Or it could go fucking slow. It's up to you. If you know how to cut and maneuver. Listen, I'm just going to get a quarter pound on the potato salad. Do you mind if I go in front of here?

That's the game here. The game, we're still here, 20 years. Yeah. I sit here, it's great. What do you think? I wake up in the morning, jump up up and down. I wake up every morning, I get on my hands and knees, and I go, God, who's bad than you? You bad, motherfucker.

I've been here 20 years, and nobody found out yet, and it's just a sack of shit. Yeah. Nobody knows. I'm not funny. I just fucking jump up and down and yell. Yeah. You know, and there should be so many comics that you wake up every morning and get a hand on their heels and go, Lord, please, thank you for giving me another day for not letting them know.

I'm a fucking sack. I'm saying. So I get up every morning. I think, you know, and even, yeah, I know, I was driving to the comedy store on a Sunday night, and I got to be honest, as I was parking the car,

I go, what the fuck possessed me to call the store on a Sunday night? Who the fuck am I? I got a two-year-old, four-year-old. Yeah. And as I'm backing on my drive, I go, Joey, 54, you're still doing spots

at the company store. The Sunday night at 1045. How lucky are you? Yeah. I think back to Holtzman going. You don't want your spot. Don't do it. Put a sign outside and tell people,

I have the 1045 spot who wants to do it. See how many people sign up for it. You really think about it that way, how fortunate I am. Yeah. It's in the league club, yeah. When I saw the end, I was going, Saturday night was on Long Island,

and you were at the store, and they took a picture, and they put it on Twitter, and I'm waiting, he's home. You know, it's good. Yeah. You got it.

Bro, you got to go down there. You got to go down there. Yeah, even the week off, I still went to the store. I was like, I got to. You got to go down there. Nobody says you got to go down four nights and go run over to Jay Davis to join and do eight spots and do the main room in the original rule and do the belly room. Listen, the kids go to bed at 9, 8, I got to read a book, though.

Yeah, yeah. I can't make your fucking belly room show at 8 o'clock. So knock that shit off. You want me down there at 1015? I'll be down there at 1015. What's bothering you, Lee? What are you got on your elbow now? What is it, buddy?

More goo. No, but don't forget about Tony. Well, put it on. Don't you forget about it. It's a beautiful Monday. 26th of June. Can't get no better than this. I want to be around to pick up the pieces

when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I... I got to deal with. You're producer? Huh? That's my producer.

Wiping goo. T-8C goo off his elbow. That's white goo. Can you wait until you get home? Fuck nuts? No, that's like that's 12,000 years in prison. This goo. Who'll leave you to learn?

Like that a fucking bed bug that's following. You bite you to let cocksucker. I didn't you set me on that. You got to. You got a lot of work. Coming up or you're sitting tight for a few weeks? No, I'm hitting the road and I just started writing a new hour. So I got like 15 minutes.

What a fucking nightmare. Yeah, I got another 45 to go. What a fucking nightmare. The first 15 ago. What a fucking nightmare. Yeah. And then little by little you start connecting the dots and you pick up a quick 20. You're like, all right, I'm halfway fucking there.

I'm cooking with gas. But then you put the whole hour together and you're like, what a second? I'm doing my hour every fucking night for the last eight weeks polishing it up. All these people are seeing it. Once they see it again, I'm fucked up. Let me write another half hour to throw them off in here, so I don't have the same thing. Then the week that you tape it,

you book Thursday and you do a show, a warm-up show, just to get your shit tight, maybe two on Friday and you tape Saturday. That's a ticket. How I would do it next time, to be fucking loose. Yeah. But I'd work on an hour and a half,

so they wouldn't see the whole thing. When they watch this special, they go, I saw this. I just saw this. I just saw this. Right. That's why I never could figure out. That's why I can't.

I got to break it up. I can only go out twice a month. The rest of it kills me. Between the podcast and my wife, I'm a little on the older side, dog. That long six-hour flight kills me for two days. Yeah. Yeah, look, you know, there's times where I'm exhausted and I'm like,

it's not not wanting to perform because I love performing. It's the flight. It's getting on a plane. It's going to the airport. It's the pickup. It's doing morning press. All that shit, I fucking can't stand. The gig itself is fucking brilliant.

I love the gig. I love going up. And the minute I go on stage and I'm introduced and you see those people and they're clapping, it's like, this is why I got on a plane. So, I mean, it works, but it's gotten tougher as I've gotten older for sure. When I was younger, it was like, the fucking greatest. Oh, when I was younger, I would leave in September and come back in January. I was one of those savages and send clothes home.

Yeah. Every week I'd stop at a fucking Walmart by a new one of these socks. If it didn't have holes in, I'd put in a box and send it home. Yeah. Right to Josh Wool's house. I'd get back and have four boxes after four months. Yeah. Anywhere you went, you picked up cheap tour clothes.

Yeah. It's going to fuck up anyway. You're going to lose at the airport. It's going to get wet. In those days, I was flying Frontier and the B airlines. You know, now you fly the A Airlines. Yeah. But for a while, you fly the airport.

B airlines. I mean, you get there and your luggage is wet, Jack. And ain't nobody giving you no cash. If it's there. If it's there. Yeah. Frontier.

Always. Always. It's always like. Always. What was the other one? There was like four of them. Frontier. Spirit.

Spirit. Oh, you'll lose your luggage for sure. Yeah. Your luggage is an iguan. You complain on spirit. They're like, be lucky you got a seat. Yeah. That's the one where you got to pay as you get on, right?

You pay for the seat. Then you pay for all the, everything. Oh, you want a fruit basket. That's an extra $18. Oh, you want a black. Like it. Yeah. Oh.

No, they go as far as like a carry-on. There's nothing for free. You, if you want to be on, going for free, you have to walk on by yourself. No backpack or nothing. I'm surprised they don't make you break a dollar, so you got to put a quarter in those things to use a toilet. You know, like in New York sometimes, you got to get changed to go take a piss. The worst. Yeah.

Spirit, I wouldn't be surprised if they're six months away from that shit. How crazy is that? We used to pay a quarter to take a piss. or nickel. It was like a nickel or a dime. Then we figured out you could put slugs in there. Once me and my friends could get slugs in New York City game over, bitch.

How much did the slugs cost? 10 cents on a dollar or something. They didn't give a fuck of his all-profit. Some guy at some fucking metal shop would just cut circles. Yeah. The shape of nickels. And they'd buff them out maybe.

Those things were sharper than fuck. You reaching your pocket for one of those things. You got four stitches. You had to fucking do it slowly, Jack. You know, after a while, you just get slugs for everything. You just figure out the ones for the phone. It was such a corrupt New York when I was growing up. But when I left New York in 85, it was still so fucking, everything was so attainable.

And I got to be honest to you, I didn't like it. How easy it was? Didn't like it, man. Yeah. It was very scary, easy. You go into the city of four in the moon. morning, go to an apartment and an ounce of blow. Give them 10 minutes. I have

a kilo here. Yeah. Show them the cash, take it back to the car. That kilo be here within 15 minutes. You want a weapon. Guy introduced this shit to a 9mm. It's shot four people. Hot and fuck. $75 off the press. Yeah.

I'll take it. What else you got? Well, my friend across the neighborhood got a fucking tank with a missile up in the Bronx. He's looking for 20 G's cash right now. You know what? I got 15. 177 in the car. Can I take it? Maybe we can call.

15K right now. I'll take the fucking... You know, New York was that attainable at one time. When I really saw the guts in New York, I was like, wow. This is not good for a guy like me. Yeah.

You know, because I don't have an asshole. You come up to me, go I need a dirty gun. I know I can get it for 75. Give me 200. Right now. 200. Boom. I just made a buck on the call.

I didn't do none. I just drove you into the city. Yeah. And gave you a gun. You know, I wasn't thinking about who you're going to show. I'm not going to shoot your mother in a fucking head. Now I feel terrible, you know what I'm saying?

It's no, no, but it's, that's what I didn't like how easy, accessible life was in the 80s. And it's very scary to think that, but it was very true. Quailudes, you know, you could, prescriptions were easy. You know, you felt we'd get your attorney. I mean, everything was so, such a robbery, you know. Right. I'll never forget, 1980. 8, 89.

If you rented a dumpster, the regular construction dumpsters, 16 feet by 8 feet, those regular ones, in Colorado, a dumpster a day was $200 with pickup. That same dumpster in New Jersey

was $2,200. Jesus, what? Everything in New York at that time was just a fucking crime, what they were doing. And I know stories that I feel bad about now. But then I was like,

Jesus, God. I was like, just jobs that people got no show jobs. Like, New York was just one big fucking scam when I was growing up. You know, APA trucking was a great place for a young man. You got in high school and you didn't have a job and you were half retarded.

Go jets, jets, jets, those guys. Yeah. Where do you think those guys that cheer for the jets that go to the games and you see them going, go jets, jets, jets. What do you think the opportunities are for that poor bastard? Yeah.

He goes to APA truck and a guy like that, he gets 24 an hour right out of high school. Yeah. 16 hours a night, five nights a week. Dude a fucking man.

That dude's buying a house in a year. Yeah. Because he lives with his mother. He drinks on Fridays. He watches the Jets. Yeah. And he's a mule. And he'll be a mule for 10 years.

I'll never miss a night of work. Yeah. But to get into the union, you have to work eight days. The shop's do its job is to make sure they don't hire. and they don't let nobody work eight days in two months.

Right. Your job is to get the eight days. So you got to pay somebody. Yeah. So you go there at 8 o'clock, you stand on line. I'm just making an imaginary situation up. And it's like on the waterfront. They pick you.

They pick Lee. They pick me. It's because I gave the guy a $50 bill. Yeah. You know, I figured let me pay $100. I get two nights of work. You know, in those days, it was $8. 18 bucks, 16 hours at 18 bucks for two nights for a guy like me.

Yeah. That's a score, Jack. Yeah. And I had to pick up Volkswagen fucking hoods. Like, I'll never forget carrying the hood. Yeah. Of a Volkswagen. Like, you know, picking it up and going, Jesus Christ, picking up engines.

Like, you're back goes after a while. But if you're a mule anyway, it's not a bad job, though. Yeah. You could buy a long showman's book when I was growing up for $1,500. Mm-hmm. $1,500, you could start shaping, though. Yeah. And that's a fucking, you get on with a company,

you don't work. I mean, my dad, my friend's dad, my good friend tell me his dad, I mean, the old day, it's like, if you work, you made like a grand. But even if you didn't work, you got like $144 a day, which, you know. Back then, it's pretty fucking... An 82?

That's not a fucking bad little score, you know what I'm saying? You got a spot to that or something? No, my wife is, uh... My wife's on my hide, so, yeah. Yeah, I should get going soon. Let me give a shout out here. Good to see you, Steve Burr. Always good to see you.

I'm happy about this movie. Thank you so much. I was very excited about your special. Thank you. I was also very excited about, you know, just that you're out. You're still fucking doing your thing. Grinding. That's all you can do.

That's all we're doing, right? D. in Colorado, my girl Meg, Kanye 6, Kane, J. Bertarius, not Rob G. Andre Neves, Ph.D. Cynthia Chin says, and Burton Macklin. I'm going to be at the motherfucking ice house Thursday night, the 29th, 8.30, working out with Uncle Joey.

10 bucks. I got six topics. We'll go over my family. Then the following week, I'm at the South Point Casino, hidden in the Western and the Hudson, what is it called? The Federal Witness Relocation Plan

at the end of the strip. Make sure you come to the South Point 730 show. I have you out of there by 9 and you go see Rogan at 10 with Tony Hinchcliffe Who's better than your uncle Joey? Where are you at next week, Tarzan? I'm at the Hollywood Improv Friday

and then next week I go to DC Draft House and then I go off to Montreal for two and a half weeks For the just for less Who fucking better? You're going to Montreal Like a soldier

All our Canadian people Get Cassius Morris on it To make a call and go fucking Take the troops to go see you We'll get my girl Charlie To go see you Montreal. Good for you.

you, man. Thanks, bud. That's who you're supposed to be known. All right, go ahead. We're going to do like 15 minutes after you if you got to go. I'm happy you.

I love you, I love you, so much. And then go to the hockey game tonight. Lee, oh my gosh. Okay, take care, buddy. Love you, Joe. Yeah.

Thank you so much, buddy. Yeah. Thank you, brother. You got it, guys. What's up, Lisa? Yeah, it's fucking Monday. What do you got playing for the rest of the week?

I'm going to go away with the family. I'm very excited. I'm going to hook up with my daughter's godfather. You know, I want her to have a relationship with the godfather. He's bringing his daughter, so I'm taking a flight tomorrow morning. And we're going to hook up for two days, so I'll be back in town Thursday night for the show.

She is the princess of Burbank Airport. Who? Mercy. Well, this is her first time flying out of that. She's never flown out of... Do you think she'll like it? I think that it'll be fun. I think it'd be really cool to come out on the tarmac as a little kid.

No, I don't fucking know. But I'm excited that I'm taking her away for two days with my wife just to... you know, I got to do something different. And I trust me, I was against it because you know me. I have to go to Jiu-Jitsu and stick to it. But I'm going to do some drill class tomorrow at 10.30. I'll be home and the call pick me up and I'll get the fuck out of that later in the afternoon.

So it's good for me because, guys, let me tell you something, I'm the laziest sack of shit when it comes to doing stuff with my family of that level. Like, I hate fucking vacations. anybody who knows me knows I'm not fine on the vacations but I'm not doing it for me it's not about me it's about this little girl and her relationship

with her godfather you know I was talking to somebody today and nobody really knows like if you're a Catholic that's one thing but I think in today's Catholicism world the godfather godmother situation has taken very lightly

where in my world it was taken very seriously I was very, very, very, very fortunate after my father died that my godfather would pick me up every fucking Saturday and take me to a movie, take me to get a cheeseburger. It was just a really, really good environment for, he was the man I needed, you know, and in the Cuban world when you're a godparent to somebody and the parent or parents die, you're the first. You're the one on the scene. That's just an unwritten rule. And let me tell you some guys, he stuck by it. And like I said, I told the story before, we were tight to all through my grammar school.

But I didn't really know at the time what he did. And he was in Miami half the time. Sometimes he was doing time. Who the fuck knew what he was doing? And when my mother died, he showed up and we kept in touch. And then when dad called his number and it was disconnected and I was very upset with everything else I had going on in my life at 16 and 17

I forgot all about it and I saw him in 84 and he befriended me and we were friends again and I could lie to you and from the time it might befriend to him it was to see what I could get out of him as a godfather

my job was to make him feel guilty so I could get cash out of him or whatever and he opted to give me Coke to sell. You know, that was his way of helping me. And I appreciate it now, but I think about it now. I think about the movement and how un-fucking godfatherish it was. I ended up not paying him. He ended up threatening me, looking for me. This went on for years. He moved to South Florida, or whatever. People say when they see him, he's old and he still says shit about me. Like, that's how pissed. And he's not mad at me. I broke his fucking heart.

You know, so I've never been a godfather than anybody. You know, I don't think I'm fucking worried to be some child's godfather. But when I asked my friend to be Mercy's godfather, I asked him because he's older. I've known him for 40 fucking years, and he's got a daughter too, and I know the type of duty is. He steps up to the place, so I'm really fortunate that he called me last week and said, I'm going to San Francisco next week, and I'm going to drive down. And so I said, you know, call me when you get in them and you get a little closer. I'll fucking meet you somewhere, you know.

So he's driving right now. We're going to hook up. And we're going to hit the coast and do a few things and take my daughter and his daughter to a few little things. And I'll be back Thursday. She gets to spend time with a godfather, a god sister. And I get to take my wife away and everybody's happy. Sounds wonderful. And I get to spend time with the cats.

Yeah, well, water staying over two nights. So you could come over in the morning and say alone, talk to Juan in Spanish, see what's going. I'm going to leave Juan over there. That gives me peace of mind because that's my biggest fear is them being alone at night. Oh, okay. They don't like being alone. I've been around those cats for so long. I'll probably go over at least and say hello to Harry.

I haven't seen Harry. It's crazy how I've gotten, I never thought this would possibly happen, but I've gotten even tighter with your cats. like Dimmy and Harry are just two saints of fucking cats. They really, really are. I'm very fortunate. I'm very fortunate to have all my fucking cats. But those two motherfuckers, we have a bond down. Like today, I was watching something in the news,

and Jimmy sat next to me. And I rubbed his belly, and he grabbed my hand, and I rubbed his chest. And I rubbed under his chin. And I remember four years ago. No, five years ago. do something like that he'd get up and run away now i just manhandle him you know what i'm saying like

there's a complete trust there's a complete trust with me and harry harry doesn't like to get picked up and kissed no but i'll still pick him up and time and time give him a big kiss on the face that's surprising to me he doesn't he doesn't like a love he won't he won't hiss and nothing like that he just doesn't like getting pissed up picked up the girls lulu loves love today i went up to lulu and pet it and she me out at me and Evie always sits by the door so I touch Evie for good luck

and when I come home Evie's in the same spot and I touch her because she's always there when I leave and when I come back she's the reason why I come back so I always touch a little hand and give her her a kiss and tell her I love it's just amazing how close you get with your fucking animals man

so I'm really happy that I kept them and they've been by interesting weekend you know Long Island was fucking phenomenal four shows. They weren't packed shows, but there were great audiences. I want to congratulate Governors because they've had a movie shoot there called the comedian,

and they've had crashing shoot there in the last year. They've really done a great job as a comedy club. You know, fucking 15 years ago, governors was a hell-ho. Oh, really? Oh, I remember going there in 98. I ran the fuck out of there.

That was a fucking hell-hole, Jack. So to see what this owner has done with it, to see how nice the place is my applause. It was a great weekend. Like I said, I'm home this weekend. I have the Ice House Thursday night. And then next weekend we're at the South Point. And the weekend after that, we're in St. Louis.

And the weekend after that, July 29th, we got the motherfucking board God at New Jersey. And that's how it is, Lee. That's the way it's fucking cracking for the next couple of weeks. I got my jiu-jitsu. I got my health. And that's it, my brother. Let me read these ads.

I'm going to get you the fuck out of here. I appreciate you people listening to the podcast and supporting us and the high level that you have been. This is a good show. You know why? Because I really love you motherfuckers, and I know Lee loves your motherfuckers. Because you're not you motherfuckers.

We would both be doing something we wouldn't want to be doing. We would be sitting up all night eating Cheetos and shit. Fucking editing or whatever the fuck it is. But you know what? This podcast is brought to you by Quip. My wife and I got a quip, and we love it. It is just tremendous. It's easy.

The best thing about it, it's got the little timer, brother, and you can put it on there and I'll brush your teeth nice. It doesn't rip apart your gums. But here's something to chew on. Many recent studies suggest that having good oral health impacts your overall health, which it does. It affects your heart. Yet most of us don't brush our teeth properly.

You know what? I'm a nasty motherfucker, but I've always brushed my teeth. You can start with brushing better today. I'll tell you why, including quip. CIP, the new company that's refreshing the way people brush their teeth. CIPP is an electric toothbrush that packs premium vibration and a timer feature into an ultra-slim design that's half the cost of bulkier brushes. It's basically like Apple designed a toothbrush, but without the big price tag.

You have to see it and brush with it yourself. You can even subscribe to receive new brushheads on the dentist-recommended three-month plan for just $5, including free shipping. Quip is backed by the leading dentist and was named as one of the Time Magazine's Best Inventions of 2016. They won the 2016 GQ grooming Award and made it on Oprah's new 2017 O list.

Quip starts at $25. Right now, go to quip.com slash Joey to get your first refill pack free with the Quip electronic toothbrush. Let me tell you something. This is the way to go. It's refreshing the way people brush their teeth. That's your first refill pack free at quip.com

slash Joey. Again, G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash Joey. How's that for you? Number two, you know me, people. I don't like having something if I don't like it. My favorite items in the world is one of my about to tell you right now, and it's me yundies. I love them. I love

how comfortable they are, and you can ask my friends, sometimes I wear a white ghee, and I wear colorful meandis, and I'll go, Joey, what type of underwear is you got on? Even my little daughter says, Daddy's got panties on, but I don't care. I love meandies. There's a reason I've been telling you about meandis for months now. There's simply the softest, most

comfortable underwear you'll ever wear. Once you try them, you won't want to wear anything else. Trust me. Unless you're naked, or you're in a swimsuit. Every other second of your life, there's Miandis. Every pair of Miandis is sustainably

sourced and made from Micro-Modal, a fabric that's three times softer than cotton. Not that. When you sweat, you don't sweat. It retains the coolness all day with this material. If you're used to buying packs of uncomfortable, boring underwear, that only in white, gray, black, or tan,

meandies will change everything because meyundis comes in all kinds of colors and patterns and they release a new limited edition pattern each month that's always a seller this month it's rainbow confetti print called celebrate try meandis today go get the celebrate pattern before they're all gone

at meundies.com slash joey and you'll save 20% off your first daughter you know why because I love you and I take care of my family You have to feel for yourself to see why Miandis has sold over 5 million pairs to date. And if you don't love your first pair of Miandis, they're free. Get 20% off your first pair plus free shipping at meyundis.com slash Joey right now. Listen, you know me. These are the underwears to wear right now.

They're comfortable, they're cool, they're easy to put on, they come right to your door. You can't beat it. So go to meandis.com slash Joey. Again, meundies.com slash joey. So now you got a great pair of underwear, but you take them off, and your asshole smells like the 10 dead billy goats. What are you going to do?

Guess what? Bidays are back, bitches. Happy with HelloTushy.com is going to rock your world. What's Hello Tushy, Joey? It's a portable bidet that you attach right to your toilet, and every time you poop or you don't poop or your balls are stinky, you sit on it, you put the water on,

Bing, bang, boom, and your ass is tip-top-mogooly. Am I bullshit? No, he's not bullshin you, and even someone like me who can't build anything installed it in under 30 minutes, so it's pretty great. So there you have it. It's the most comfortable bidet out there. It's tremendous. Comes with a 90-day guarantee. Listen, why should you get ass rot?

It's the summer. The humidity gets in there and then it'll eat you out from the inside out. You don't need that. Get a portable bidet. Go to hello-tushy.com right now. What is it, Lee? You're at hellotushy.com slash church. And there you go.

You get 10% off, okay? And that's the way the party starts. Why should you walk around with the stinkiest asshole in town? Don't do it. You ever sit on the train and you smell your own asshole? That's when you know you've got problems right there.

That's where hellotushy.com comes in. The best portable bidet out there in the market. 90-day money-back guarantee. It's the one I use and lease I use. And you're going to be so fucking happy with it. You're not going to know what the fuck to do. You're going to get off Facebook. You're going to quit all.

this shit and you're going to sit in the toilet roll fucking joints and wait for the pizza delivery man. How you should. That's how good hello-tushy is. So again, Lee, where do they go? Hellotouchy.com slash church. There you have it. One more time, hello-tushy.com slash church. One more time for Quip

and one more time for me on these. My most favorite underwear in the world. I'll see you guys Wednesday night. Stay black. I love you. Thursday night. Thursday night. At the ice house. At the ice house. But we'll see you there.

Wednesday morning, and I'll see you Thursday night, the motherfucking ice house. 8.30 p.m. working out with Uncle Joey. And the following week at the South Point Casino, and the following week at the motherfucking St. Louis Helium, bitches. So get your shit together. And then July 29th, the boy got to end this bitch. Philadelphia, get your shit together. There's not a lot of tickets left. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. Child.