The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #495 - Martin Moreno

Episode Date: July 3, 2017

Martin Moreno, a comedian who has toured the globe and the host of the "Martin and Hooter" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Stamps.com - Never go to the post office again with stamps.com and use code: JOEY for a 4 week trial.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/02/2017.
  

Hit it, hit it, hit it. That mic is too hot. That mic is too hot. That mic is too hot. That mic is too hot. There you go. Welcome to Podcastville and the church of what's happening now. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Audit.

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type in Joey, stamps.com. You'll never, ever, ever go to a post office again. Kick that, Mulee. It ain't the 4th of July, Cogsuckers. Take the stick out of your ass. It's a beautiful day to be alive. And let's do this fucking thing, all right? Kick that Mulee.

Don't make me blow up this computer today. I'll blow it up how I'm fucking feeling. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Dali, how old? Here we go. This is as good as it gets, people.

This is always going to be as good as it gets right here. Another lost angel city or not. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? If you're not ready to jump out in your fucking car window, you ain't real right here. This is, and this is coming at you like a fucking dick in the ass. You don't even see this song coming at you. Morrison, a fucking, just, are you fucking kidding me?

Here we go. He just breaks it down for it. Come to the church. Monday, July 3rd, you bad motherfuckers. Are you kidding me? Listen, I can hear that song. Listen, I heard that song. Since 1965.

I listened to that song 8,000 times because they played it. my house, they play it at my mom's bar, they play it in my neighborhood. Every time they play on the radio, it's like I've heard it for the first time again. That's how good, to me, to me in my world, that's one of the top three songs. The lyrics, are you fucking kidding me? Are you fine, if you say those lyrics to a woman, they just melt. What the fuck does he say? Put it on right from there.

I let me see put it on right from there hold on I'm sorry I turned it off he says something just beautiful oh you don't even need to I see your hair is burning Yes Hills are filled with fire

If they said I never loved you You know they are alive Are you fucking kidding? Yeah Are you fucking who writes that Who writes that? A fucking genius Who writes to come on guys

Yeah No it's a freaking He's a poet I'm telling you guys People think the CIA killed him, that was God. God said, you know what, I need somebody to rewrite the Bible. This fucking dude is dropping knowledge. This motherfucker is dropping knowledge.

If he would have been there when I wrote it, nobody would have been walking around confused. My guest tonight is my brother of God knows how long Martin Moreno and my other little brother, Mr. Lee Syatt, you know. I think it's, you know what? Can I just like just start off by saying that, holy fuck, this is church? This is church. No, this really is church. I'm going to testify why this is church. Because for the last few years, I've actually been talking about the spirit of freaking Jim Morrison. And people channel that fucking spirit.

When you listen to that, that resonates with you and it touches you in a certain way. That motherfucker was talking to your soul, you know. But there's people that connect with that dude. And I've been like, like, just seriously, seriously, the fact that it got tied in to the beginning of your show that's the church, it's almost like, oh, it was preordained that it was going to happen. That was the miracle. That's the Holy Ghost. I was going to start with Santana.

And I said, I just thought a fucking LA woman. I don't know why. I just love it. To me, all my life, that song, I didn't like, listen, from the early age to I like the song, I didn't like when he starts with the Mojo Rising. But as I got older, that's the most brilliant part. That whole Mr. Mojo Rising. And he just.

goes off the album is brilliant as I got older I liked the doors more and I started reading about him yeah my mom loved him she was Cuban she thought he was fucking the world's greatest looking man him and Steve McQueen she said they could take over the world

at their cocks it was hysterical and I grew up on this music you know and it just takes me back to a different fucking time man yeah I was as I was hanging out with somebody actually that that had a Jim Morrison tattoo And she ended up getting fucked up.

And like, later in retrospect, I was like, holy fuck. Like, it was almost like the spirit of Jim Morrison was still doing fucking crazy shit, you know? And being himself, you know, people being them, you know. You and I are both music lovers. Yeah. But I don't know if you were playing an instrument or not. I tried. I tried the bass in high school.

No. I could always play the drums. But once I got to pick something, I always knew. because of my coke habit, I would pawn the guitar or the drums shelf life, you know what I'm saying? Like, how long? How long until I pawned the guitar? So I chose not to do that.

You don't bring your own microphone, thank God. Because I would have been on my thousand microphone at this point in my career. Wow. But whatever I want inspiration, brother, whatever I'm lost with a joke, I'm feeling fucking down, I put on music.

Yeah. I go to my fucking office, I put the earphones on, and I blast whatever's on fucking YouTube till I can't hear no more and it does something to me you're absolutely right it does something to me music has always been a kind of a motivator

I hate working out of my house because there's no music I gotta work out with the iPod you crawl punch to the bag the fucking earphone pop out and shit so it's uh and then you look at your life later on your life that's when you really look at music

you know I'm trying to write a book So when I try to outline a chapter, I put the music on that I was listening to at that time. And within an hour, if I keep that pen moving, ideas will come back to me. Shit that I forgot just from listening to that stupid fucking album. Bro, I mean, anything related to music, I was at the Iron Manor concert last night. And, yeah, it's great to see the band, but the magic that happens, like, outside. Even before you get there. It's an event even before you get there.

You're with like-minded people who are like, they don't want to fucking hurt anybody. They just want to have a good fucking time. And listen to some loud fucking music. I remembered a week ago why I enjoyed watching live comedy again. Like, I'm sick of specials. I'm done. I'm going to watch Man on Fire with my dog.

What's his name? Crystal Ian. Did you watch it yet? I haven't yet. I haven't ever been going to. I'm going to. I'm going to watch Man on. on fire with Crystal Lee and I'm done.

I'm done. Okay. Do you watch a lot of specials? You know, you try to. You try to watch comics and you try to take the hole out. I can't even watch my whole hour. I got to watch 20 minutes and go for a fucking walk and drink a fucking cold glass or water or something and come back. But you're your worst critic as well.

But the other thing is that I love, I forgot how much I love getting out and sitting in the back of the comedy store and watching four or five comics. I really forgot how much, you know, I remember in Houston years ago, they would have the open mic from seven to two in the morning. And they would go, what the fuck? And the place would be sold out. And it was that people want to see a train wreck. There's people that love open mics.

Or, you know, people want to go to open mics for different reasons. I did an open mic in Spanish a couple of weeks ago in a bar in East L.A. So, yeah, I mean, it's in Spanish. 100% Spanish. Now, I see that they do it at the Comedy Store in a couple places. Yeah. Is Spanish stand up making a comeback? Is it growing?

I'm sorry, not a comeback. Okay. I don't think that it's ever, you know what? That's funny that you, that you ask that. Spanish comedy has just about, has hit its evolution right now. Like, there's so much, like, political instability, to say the least, that a lot of these guys, aren't doing the two drunk guys walk into the bar jokes anymore because that's what it used to be.

It used to be a lot of, you know, elementary dick jokes and fucking really like jokey jokes. And or a story, yeah, this drunk guy showed up and blah, blah, blah, blah. And it was funny and it worked, but that was the formula. And in the last, I want to say maybe 10 years or less, the monologue has come on the scene. and there's these dudes that are like, they're killing it. They're saying a lot of shit.

Just talking in Spanish, though. Spanish, 100% Spanish. That's crazy. Like, I've watched the Cuban guy. I grew up on the Mexican dude. You know, I'm thinking about doing it now, like, I would go on stage and give it a try just because it's who I am. You would.

Not really. You would. Not really. Dude, listen, listen, listen, listen. It's the same. I would have to play a character. No, no, no, no, no. Yes, I would. No, if I went up there, the only way for me to make this funny.

Trust what I'm telling you. A Cuban. I would have to be like one of the dudes. I would have to go up there, number one, and be fucking filthy. Like, I remember walking, I was tight with Felicia. They love it. They love filth. I was tight with Felicia.

They love filth. And I would walk into a house every Tuesday to do a podcast. And every week, I would say, well, I thought that day, Juan is her house cleaner. Uh-huh. And watches the kids and takes the kids to school. and I would walk in being raised how I was and I would go, well here I wanted in Spanish

and she used to go, well, yeah, I'll say, whatever the fuck she'd say. After about five or six weeks of this, I walked in one day and they go, let me take a chance. You know, one old wants to Lando in the kitchen and shit like that.

And I had like a sun to him. So she brought right into it. I walked up to her, and I go, Oh, do you want to take on sale? That means I'm tired. And she goes, because?

And I go, because, I just came back from Vegas and it was hot and I couldn't sleep because the air conditioner in the room and I go on top of that when you're in Vegas they blow oxygen in the room and she goes really oh it's a shame and I go to the only good part was the pool but the weirdest thing happened at the pool

and she goes what happened and I go I'm in the water and there's a gay guy walking past and there's a gay guy in the water and the gay guy walking says to him Oh, how's the water? And the gay guy goes

De Pinga. And the other guy goes, well, met him, he know de cull. Right? Right. She looked at me

for like a second. That's like a really dirty joke. Like, how's the water? The water is like a cock. Well, I'm going to, because it doesn't translate in English.

But I'll tell you, but I'll tell you that they do a lot of those jokes. She died. They love it. She died. And then after that, I could hit it with

not material. I'm not ready to do material. I'm, I'm ready to do one of the characters that would hang in my mother's bar with that style of Cuban. It's a style of Cuban that a lot of Cubans don't dig. It'll go over in Miami and Kendall. These are wild, when I speak in Spanish, I speak a wild Cuban dialect. A wild Cuban dialect.

When people hear it, they look at me. What the fuck is a wild Cuban that? Like, I've heard Cubans speak. I grew up surrounded by Cubans. Cubans taught my mom how to cook. Like they legit taught her how to make She's Cuban shit Crazy dog

Dude we were surrounded Dude we had Cubans to the right Cubans to the left Cubans behind us We were surrounding I told Becky the other night I told her what they called pussy in Spanish La Sahuaca

La Papaya You know That's what you should tell These Spanish dudes You just called Becky up And told her this You were right here in the room She was on the phone going

Oh my God I mean It's a second question It's a legit question What do you call it? She goes on not even going to tell my mother. Because some people get offended.

A gorilla. A gorilla. That means the hairy spider. In Spanish, they have a thousand names for the vagina. Because they're not allowed to talk about the fucking vagina. So they got to talk about

they literally, that's where that shit had to have come from. They had to disguise the fact that, and now all those fucking names just kind of stuck as like a fucking, like a, I don't know, almost like a crazy reminder of the oppression of it. There's a Cuban comedian who's very popular.

What's his name? Not the Angel Salazar, not the kid from the comedy store. A guy that does just albums in Miami, and he fucking does these albums in Miami. Fucking Lee huge, and he's dirty. Okay. You know, later on, for me to write Spanish stand-up, I have to sit down for a while, and there's no way really to work at out just at your spot once a week. Right.

And I can pop into the comments. So you were popping. So you could do whatever you're doing in English, you wouldn't have to do a whole different set. You could just do the same thing. You just translate it. And a lot of it sounds like it doesn't translate, but you'll find a word that's funny that still gets the same point across. Because the situation is what's funny. And then a word just kind of helps to sell it.

And you're a master wordsman. It's funny because when I was growing up, there was a dude named Monita. We used to go to my mother's bar. That was a street name Monina. Monina means in that Spanish, Abacroquois religion, Monina, if I see you on the street, that's a word of affection. This guy was a sweetheart. He wore a wig, and he sold Coke, so he'd hide the Coke under his wig. You can't write this shit.

But Monina had a way with words. And on all the Catholic holidays, the Cuban Catholic holidays, my mother would let Monina a story tell or tell a story. If he did a couple bumps, my mom would have to cut him off. It was hysterical. Monita,

yeah, umbraica, yeah, I gotta sell drinks, you know what I'm saying? But it was weird that. Did it's crazy? Like, every time you say that,

you say it very nonchalantly, you know, like very matter of fact. But, you know, you're legit talking about being a kid, talking about, you know, your mother checking a motherfucker on,

on his, Coke intake. Asperical. But you saw so much so young and you were prepared for anything that this bitch threw at you because of that.

But at that age, I knew what cocaine was. I knew they were all doing it. I didn't pay it. I didn't give them attention. I wouldn't give them attention. From time to time, from the age of maybe seven

to maybe the time she died, I would open my mouth about it if it was obvious. and there were people, they were outsiders in the room. If we'd be at the bar, and my mom, and it was nine o'clock, and I was walking into the bar from karate, and there was a couple of customers at the bar drinking, people playing pool, I put my ghee down in the back,

I'd go to the back of the soda. If I went to the bar and she had white on her nose and those three dudes and that bar was packed, I would say something to them, and then my mom would say something to them, and then I would overhear them, like they would go around him, Be careful.

My mom would, at a young age, my mom would tell people, be careful around Os Antonio. He's a fucking hawk. Be careful what you do. But the kids see shit. We see shit. Listen, I remember the guys that would go. There would be a group of guys that would leave the party,

and they'd go around the block, and then they'd come back, and they'd be laughing, and they'd smell like fucking weed. You knew what they were doing. Everybody knew that they were smoking bud, but it's like they left and they hid. to do it. Everybody was drinking tequila, drinking alcohol, fucking pounding cigarettes. Like, it was no problem.

But the minute a joint came out, the need to go hide it was so, like, what the fuck? It's so weird. I was exposed to weed as a, this is nothing. Don't worry about a type of drug. Yeah. Like, you find. Don't worry about nothing. Nothing bad's going to happen.

And for years, I didn't like weed. I smelled it. But I had a godfather who baptized me, and he was a fucking. pot head. Like, all I am today is him. He would smoke and giggle by himself

and the eyes would get red and as a young kid I would look at him and we'd go this motherfucker's having a good time. Like, even though I was against marijuana,

I would go, this motherfucker's having a black guy himself. Like, there's times we would go, bro, this guy was solid. He would take me every, I had no following. So, from the age of

four and a half to like fucking eight, every Saturday, he picked me up and take me to a movie. Uh-huh. We'd go eat something. He was a good guy.

And in the car, he'd roll a joint. And he'd say, don't tell your mother about this. And he'd smoke, you know what I'm saying? And he'd get high and start giggling. Then we go to a movie. Sometimes the movie we were going to go see his men were sold out. Like, I used to tell him, take me the fucking men movies. You know what I'm saying?

Right, right. And one time I went to see, like, the love bug. Like, one of those Herbie rides again shows. Like, that was it. That was the only matinee movie there was. Here I was. I was a six-year-old with the mind of a 10-year-old. really a fucking

Volkswagen that flies around the air one of my retarded and he's over there Stone to the gills giggling like fucking this is the funniest thing he ever saw on his life and I'm like wait a second maybe there's something for this marijuana

so it was always in the back of my mind didn't smoke it that's so funny when I was like my mom had the bar one night I saw a take a sip of wine so I went until she went to bed I took the whole bottle of wine I drank it when she woke up she couldn't find me, she called the police, they found me in a closet with shit and puke all

myself because I drank the bottle of wine. Alcohol's never really been my thing, you I'm saying? So the drug exposure in my home was very, and then it was like good fellas. My mother's friends, everybody that my mother's circle did it. Now, here was the fucked up part, Martin, that if that person had kids, I was. I was not allowed to discuss the drug use with those kids. Because maybe the way they were being raised, they didn't know what their family did, even though I knew. So, for example, if I went to your house and I was at Coco, and I was seven,

I would go to your house to play with your eight-year-old son, Matting Cito Jr., right? Martin would never know that you were a drug baron and you shot people. I knew because you hung out of my mother's ball. and I heard the reputation of me. So I would go to your house, play with your kids, and I wouldn't even mention it. And the parents would look at my mom and go, he cool, and then she would go here.

So if my mom nodded for me, I knew I couldn't open up my mouth at all. So growing up all those years, I grew up like a secret. I couldn't let them know. Even when I was like 10 or 11 and cocaine started scratching, and you would hear rumbings about it, maybe 12. from hearing people at the bar

and, you know, I had already known what people were talking about. So when you were... I mean, there was no weed in my house, and I knew about weed when I was in fucking, like, fourth grade, and we're talking, this was the 70s. I was totally against weed. Yeah, you know.

And I think the sixth grade, I finally cracked. I tried to do seven. Seven. Seven. That's when I cracked. Seventh grade, you know, a joint between 22 people. And then you giggle and go to blimpy base and you get thrown out for giggling and acting like an asshole

and you would get patted on I can't go home. Why not? They're going to know. They're going to know. They're going to know. When we vizine you, we fucking hit you with Cologne.

You know, and it was a once. It went from me. And bonaca. And bonaca like a motherfucker. It went from being a once every three month thing to once a month. And then all of a sudden,

fucking Lisa, I had a student. guy I grew up with a guy who never wanted nothing to do with me after 10 is calling me up because he wants to score a pound of weed you know what I'm saying? Like that's how it went

and you're like, okay? So Lee's smoking weed so it's okay if I smoke, you know what I'm saying? Like in your mind you're like Lee's an A student. Your Lee's getting high, shit. I'm definitely getting fucking high. You get high, fuck yeah, I'm getting high, okay.

Yeah, people are afraid. It's weird. People are afraid of it. They're afraid of it. They're afraid of it. And it's kind of like, you know, and there's a lot of like stoner jokes that have probably did a lot of, you know, disservice, you know, like, just don't know anything, bro. Like, I forget everything, man. It's like just the idea that anybody that smokes is just going to just be completely clueless, you know.

It's not, that's not a fact, you know. I mean, it's funny. You don't give a fuck about a lot of shit. Well, you have to build to that point, Martin. I mean, I respected it. It was a social thing for me. I'm meeting Martin and Lee to go see Apocalypse now. What the fuck you think we're going to do?

We're going to split a six-pack, you know, and we're going to smoke five joints. We're going to buy a, bro, we're not even getting seven joints. We're buying some African weed. We're getting five joints for 10 to 10 bucks. We smoke weed. Then it became Lee. We're doing tomorrow morning. Nothing.

I'm going to school. What the fuck you think I'm doing? At times your first class. 845 Meet me at 830 million dollars And you're like What the fuck are you doing Look at the eye dog

No, we're not I got a science class at 930 Lee I'll fucking side kick you in the stomach You're smoking this joy with me And now we'd smoke Oh side kicking Oh Lee we were getting

And Lee let me tell you some We get stone outside Walk back into high school And you're from Boston So in the winter it's cold Yeah When you walk into the heat The reefer intense of a hack.

Can't even imagine. Especially at that age. And we go back to the classroom in high school. And that's how it started. I never dreamed of smoking marijuana in the daytime. I was not raised to smoke marijuana in the daytime. How old were you the first time you smoked marijuana in the daytime? Ballpark.

16? 16. But it started like at, you know, we would get high at 11. Lunchtime. Like lunchtime. We would play hooky. And by the time we got the beer and we got to the park, it was 10.30. You know what I'm saying?

That was my life. That was my fucking. That was my life for a lot. But then it got to the point where you got stoned before high school. That was like my junior year. Like towards the middle of my junior year, I was actually me. Or you would go to school for a few classes and then meet. I would meet somebody like a tent.

my friend Devo and the couple of us I mean I'm not going to say I didn't learn anything but it was more of a social gathering for me I learned I learned too because I would listen but for me it was

like I went to school the day after my mother died because A I hated missing and B it was where I went to commisory it was my social fucking guy I shared a locker with a girl she had friends you talked to those dirty the animals. You talk to your

friends. Who else had a locker? Who was in a homeroom? It was a social gathering. You went and you got all the information that it was going to happen the next day or for the weekend or whatever party. I mean the fuck did we start talking about this? It's crazy. I've been out of high school 10 years. I think even now still, I'd be afraid

to go to a class stone. That blows my mind. I didn't do it on the reg, but I remember in summer school, Specifically, when you were saying that, I was thinking how I was there and I had gotten high before class. And I went and it was like this, I had to draw a cube and like a four-dimensional. Right. Yeah. And dude, do you know how freaking hard it was to do that?

Stoned? I was like, I remember the picture and it was like all distorted and fucking crazy. I was trying to connect lines and shit. I was stone trying to make a fucking cube. Fucking the seventh grade weed. That wasn't seventh grade, though. That was probably like in a bar. It was like seventh grade.

Yeah. The second time. Yeah. Okay. In the eighth grade. We would go to Shop right, right behind the grammar school. We would walk like 200 yards. There was an embroidery factory.

We would walk behind there and then we'd smoke pot and we'd go inside to shop right. In those days, they made sandwiches, believe it or not. And we'd get to, I don't know, no, no, I'm lying to you. They did something. So you didn't smoke in the school? No, we smoked off the property. We went to shop right, bought something to eat, but shoplifted hubbubba. Nice.

A whole ten pack of hubba. Five kids with a ten pack of hubbaubba. That means you're going to war from one to three. There's going to be more bubble gum. That's funny. And we would go back. What kind of war are you going to rage with bubble gum? Just throw it at Lee.

Lee would be in the front row. And we would all bombard Lee that day and then Lee would get pissed. People love bubblewale. I'll never forget a fucking janitor came in with them. Oh, my God. With a fucking ladder. Like this. Like this, guys.

So he's got his left hand covering the ladder. The blackboard is where his right hand is. He's walking in, and I'll never forget the kid's name. I am friends with his now. His name is Orlando, South Sato. On the 8th grade, he sat in the back of the class. He was one of those dudes that was a little retarded. He was 15.

We talk on Facebook now. And for years, I thought about him. because he did a legendary noise. My eighth grade class was so legendary because we knocked the teacher out. Ms. Walsh never came back. Ms. Walsh started the year telling us how she was 64.

She had met every savage. She had been there when there was no electricity, when they taught with candles, and we were not going to antagonize her. She had heard of our reputation. da-da-da-da-da. I got to tell you something about Ms. Walsh, God rest of so.

Oh, you killed her? The first two months, we tormented her. We tormented her till we got to her and she got to us. Then the other 8th grade teacher went on sabbatical in October. They were friends for 40 years. And then the other teacher came in, Wally Lindsay. He was a weehock and mayor. He came into teacher my 8th grade.

And finally one day he held us and said, guys, you got to knock it off with her. Because she's going to have a nervous breakdown and quit or. Like, he just broke it down for us. You can't keep doing this stuff. Bro, at 1 o'clock from 1 to 3, that class was live. Bubble gun flying, like I told you, the janitor came in. He came in, and all of a sudden Orlando picked up, Orlando would get 10 pieces of hubba bubba and put it in his mouth at one fucking time,

take it out and mold it into a brick and whip it at you. And the teacher came, the principal came, the principal, the, whatever, the guy who fixes the fucking shit. came in and all these janitors were fucked up. You had eagle eyes, his eye went up. Yeah, because no one accepting these jobs because they have to be human shields for teachers. That's fucking crazy.

But Benny was a high school janitor who I used to tell him when I walked in, I used to go, Benny, I got some Blackberry Brandy. Where is it? In a locker, we'll get it later. At every class, when I got out, Benny would be there. Where's that Blackberry Brandy? But in the eighth grade,

We would throw gum at each other But every afternoon at about 3 o'clock We would do something, algebra or something At 2 o'clock I don't landowners sit in the back and go Let me explain something to you Now there'd be one guy In the third row reading

Whatever the chapter was about And him and that person Would be out of a discussion And all of a sudden Not in nowhere you heard So it would be like Every six minutes For like an hour

Until she read Until she reacted to it. Just to get the reaction is crazy. Because she knew if she would say something, she would have a nightmare. So he would sit back there. And then he would get deeper. He'd go, and then he'd go.

And then he would go back to. And then she was, And everybody just fucking dying? Some people laughing. Some people. Now, there was a dude. Like, dude, there's a lot of humans in there. Not just the fucking picture.

Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something the crazy thing about this. You never knew when we were going to go off. Like every, like, all right, so Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, you had like, a Mac from one to two. You guys were monsters. And then from two to three. you had like social studies.

So I say Tuesday and Thursday had a different schedule. Every day we had a different setup for her. Like every day in the afternoon was a different set of torture. But that was the main... But then there was a dude that sat next to me. His name was... I'll never forget him.

Michael Aligretta. This guy was an A-plus student since kindergarten. He moved from Italy. His dad was like a scientist. His mother was like a fucking astronomer. This guy's a town... This guy's English wasn't very good, but he hung with us. He didn't get high.

He was cool as shit, though. We gave him some bubble gum. I wouldn't let people throw bubble gum at him because he was like a kind of in there. We played street hockey. We used to hit him in the shins just to hear him go, aye, aye, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Like everybody else would go, ouch, ouch, ouch. You hit him in the chin and he'd go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So Michael was a cool dude. But this dude was like a fucking Yale dude. Like he was going to go to Yale, you can tell. After the afternoon, he started with the... Oh, shit. So now it was fucking... Michael Allegraeta and Orlando. And Dominic Special in stereo going off.

I'll never forget this day, like, yes. Like, if I ever get to do a TV show, this scene would be in it. Like, I have ten scenes from that classroom in my head that I can't lie to you as a man. There's times I think about him, and tears come to my eyes from emotion. Like, at that time, flea. with Mac Rumors was the big out. Wow. So that was the theme of that classroom.

If I ever write that book, you know, get to that. I'm going to have to write it in chapters with the names of the songs because that's, it was rumors. Rumors was everything you heard. Don't stop thinking about tomorrow. Don't everything, everything was rumors.

So it's Michael, Dominic, Miss Walsh. I'm over here. You see that, Def Leppin? Yeah. That's Miss Walsh. That's how close she was to me. I was in the first row. Michael Allen Grether's right here and Dominics, too, from, Dominics, where I am, only on the right side of the class, Orlando's

in the deep right. All of a sudden, she's reading this book. I'll never forget this, bro. Gums flying. Planes are going off in the air. People are making fart noises. And then it was timing. And in the middle of all this, you'd be, and then somebody would do something else,

and Michael Otto would go, wow. And then somebody else, to do something and Dominic Spichial will go, and this just went on. This was like, and Gumb was hitting the blackboard, you know, Charlie Gizzi's in the back, fucking shooting planes as they went

by. Charlie Gizzy was a kid that sat on my side. He was the last guy in the classroom. And whenever a plane went by, he jumped out of his desk and would go behind the desk and shoot the plane down. This is a real deal. He's in jail for murder today. Just to let you know, we had a crazy grammar school dog.

I got to write this on paper. This is unbelievable but I'll never forget this certain day Michael Aligrella was hitting it Orlando San Antonio Santo was hitting it and Dominic special God rest of soul was hitting it they were all there hitting it wow wow

wow wow and she fucking took her book and just put it down and she goes if it's not what the fuck did she say something about I'll never forget this

she said the fact that you guys inspired her to what sounds like a fucking like a retirement like a speech she turned around she took those glasses off she had had like a stroke

so she had like a stiff eye she had a stroke not us like the eight years before she had a stroke of the summer I love Miss Walsh and she goes if it's not the heavy breathing it's something else

what in the world is this and my friend goes meet the noise right to a face he goes meet the noise right isn't the eighth grade though We were animals.

That's funny. Like that teacher should have, if you were that teacher, would you not have laughed? No. At the line? Dog, I saw a Louis Zavlov. I was in the bathroom one day popping a pimple on my face. I was the only one in the basement. This school didn't have a gym until we got to the eighth grade.

So in the wintertime, you shoveled snow, and that's how you got an A or a B or a C. Like from November, the January, if you were a good shovel, And you had to see those fucking stairs at McKinley. Good shoveler? You had to see the stairs at McKinley. Sometimes you shoveled. Child labor. Sometimes you did pull-ups and shit like that.

In the seventh and eighth grade classrooms outside of that, there was a thin alley, and they would make you run in there. Like, it was quite, we didn't have a gym. So these kids were going to. You want to the fucks were shoveling snow. Shoveling snow. And I never forget walking out of that bathroom one day. And I seen Louis Alvar being grabbed by the principal, Leo Guttony. I'll never forget.

this bro and leo was yelling at him lewis was in the seventh grade big kid that he was cuban because of the skin color were they still hitting people when you were going to school listen to me they weren't hitting people yeah they were walking down and i say they called him at ruzzo okay because he was a cuban dude he hung out with this kid juan and alberto ali we'll get to them later this is all in this class seventh eighth grade i'm coming out of the bathroom they're about 60 yards from me they don't see me. I see them coming towards me because the stairs are to my right-hand side. They're obviously

going to the principal's office. So right as I open the door, none of them to see me, I see Mr. Gatoni grab Louis Zaldlava by his left arm. Okay? As they walk like the cops would grab me to take upstairs. Louis Zalduar went away.

Leo Gatoni grabbed them over here on the left side of the collar and fucking Louis Zaldeval unleashed him. Unleashed him. the right hand on him. Do you understand me where I went to grammar school? Unleashed the right hand

on him that this teacher's leg stumbled the one out from under him, bro. And he goes, now you're really done. And then Lewis goes, to say it again, I'll bust your fucking mouth. And Mr. Gatone just ran away. And next thing then they put Louis in the pilot program

when they said he went to the high school because you're too stupid. He was Cuban but he didn't speak English. So they held you back until you learned English in those days. You know, these people complain about racial shit, Doug. And nobody complained.

As long as we were learning, these kids were just, you had to work harder in the summers. But they were, Louis Al-Lavon was part of a trio, the Ali brothers. Juan and his brother Carlos, and Carlos was a little retarded.

Whatever Juan said, Carlos was on board. No, Alberto Ali and Juan. Juan was the mastermind, something like that. The other guy, just stood next to him and said, see, he was just retarded.

He was a little dark. His skin was a little darker. We were as young as we used to jump to dumpster at Dura Test and take the light bulbs out. Dura test used to be a big company in Union City. And they made, you know, those long light bulbs. The six feet off of these ones, they would make those. But the duds, they would put them into garbage.

We would take them out and hit each other in the head with them. And white powder would come out. That's why half of us are dead. we inhaled that white powder in the 70s and shit they lived close to that their house so for us to play with them

but the strange thing about that shit was just out there for you to have access to it also had access to the Bonaca factory it wasn't in a dumpster it wasn't just like yeah but still

so light bulbs we'd have wars so in those days I would go up and go leave fuck you and I hit and he in the head

with a light bulb he wouldn't cut himself and then he would just get white dust in his head sure and then

it was dangerous dangerous back then. I would hit me in the back with fucking glass pipes, those glass things. It wouldn't hurt him. He wouldn't get electrocuted or not. He would hit me back. I wouldn't be mad at him.

That's what you did with those things. But I don't know how old that was. Let's pretend I'm 12. I'm hanging out with Alberto 1. I was having play days at 12. I'm hanging out with Morton Perez, whose father at the time was Batista's driver.

So when they came from Cuba, they were basically hunting the Perez family down. People knew he lived there. Years later, I went to school. Martin Perez was not in school. He had been taking out of school. His parents had disappeared.

They went into witness protection. That's how bad it was. That a lot of people knew this guy was with Batista in Cuba and they started hating him, and they started hating on his son and shit like this. This is at 12. You're aware of this stuff at 12. That's big shit to be aware of at 12.

You know, you just said that, you know, 12, most people play dates, do you think that 12, 30, 40 years ago was different than 12 today? Jesus, by. I mean, I'm scary a mouth. Is it the same? I think 12-year-old Joey could beat up, like, most 25 years.

12-year-old Joey could not beat up a soul. 12-year-old joy was very shy and scared in those days. Yeah, of course. I remember 12-year-old Martine. But I'll tell you what I was. I was slick as far. I was smart as fuck you're blessed how yeah yeah

I know how to put two and two together from my mother's bar I knew what a person was like I knew what the fuck to stay away from I knew shit from my grandma my grandma told me shit I knew shit that you know like I said I was raised

and a certain number but the question that bothers me still is how do I want my daughter to be raised at 12 do I want her to be exposed to the same thing I was exposed to the only person who's on exposed to that stuff is me by talking to her about it. That's,

and explaining to her about what type of people are out there. Absolutely. And hopefully half of it sinks in and half of it doesn't. Dude, I'm, I'm, that's, that's exactly what's fucking, like, I think, like, your, your, your daughter's how old now? Four. She's four. My granddaughter will be four in, in November.

She's going to be four in November. I can't sleep in them. I'm, and I, listen, I'm like, look, we got to stop. telling them, this is what I'm talking about. I'm staged. When I do my little unspoken word with the music and shit, that's what I'm talking about. How do we keep treating our daughters different than our sons?

We expose our sons to a lot of information and a lot of crazy shit that we want to shelter our daughters from 100%. We're going to protect them from it. We're not going to protect them from it. We're just not going to talk about it. It's not going to take away the fact that that shit's out there. Martin, you do not want your daughter to know about that time in Tucson. when you gang bang three chicks with alpha robots.

There's things that your kids need to know and there's kids that your things need to know maybe later as a joke at a dinner table and your daughter says, Daddy, did you really do that? Honey, I was a different man. Well, well, listen. There's a lot of shit I want my daughter to understand, but as she gets older

and she's prepared to get that information, you know, I live in fear. She's going to live in a YouTube era. Eventually, she's going to put two and two together. I really want to hide the same. stander from her and I want to hide the acting from her until she really knows what's going on. I never wanted to come home and say, well, all my friends at school, well, actresses, and I want to be an actresses. I'll shoot myself. Just tell me you're bringing home a fucking ISIS for dinner. It's the same

damage you're doing to me, but you could just do so much with your child. There's no perfect parent. No, absolutely not. You want to say it's a 50-50 toss-up. Listen, man, I came from my house of love, but it was too much exposure too soon for the computer. I'm telling you this. The computer changed the game. No, no, no, no, for the computer. Oh, I thought you were talking about the computer. I don't believe, I believe that when you're a kid seven and you're rolling

reefer in front of your child, I'm not being judgmental, I'm just giving you about my train of thought here. You're rolling the joint in front of your son and blowing this. You know what, man, when you're seven, your dad is your idol. your dad is your hero, your mom is your hero. Once they put two and two together, like I did, this is why I make these statements, because I did. Once I put two and two together,

those kids that I avoid at 13, I avoid them for so long. Until one day, I go, wait a second. Me and Lee are sitting at home watching a stupid fucking will-fowl movie, and all our other 13-year-olds are behind Nicky Swazzo's are sucking titties and finger-in-cheek. and smoke on refa. Maybe we should smoke pot.

What do you think, Lee? I don't know. Joey, can I tell you a secret? 13. I found about a year ago, I went to my dad's room to get a check for school, and I found the bag of marijuana.

I go, what did you do with nothing? I didn't touch it. I didn't tell my mother. And also, Lee's my best friend. I know, go, Lee. My mother smokes pot. I kind of smelt it one day, Joey. And you didn't say nothing to me, Lee?

So guess what? Both of our heroes are compromised now. Now it leaves us a doubt where before we wouldn't have gotten high, which I wouldn't never. Martine, I saw in front of my eyes what was going on as a child. In front of me, I had cocaine,

had marijuana, had alcohol, and something that also existed in front of me that I never really talked about. Not on my mother's angle, my mother never did it, but I saw people around as the heroin. so I saw all four of those and I agree that those are dangerous as fuck

but again I would not put marijuana in the same category as heroin and in a lot of cases alcohol it doesn't matter you're still the child's fucking hero you're still the child's young I don't know I'm not saying you should sit there and blow smoke in front of you no no no I'm not saying any of that

my perspective is you're the child's hero how many child heroes drink in front of their kid with no problem. I'm going to tell you something. Don't come crying to me when your kid gets his there you are. Right. Don't come crying to me when your kid, you know what I'm saying? Because they're trying to emulate their parents. Listen, as a child, if I'm at Martine's house, and Lee's there, and Gabriel's there, and Alfred Robbins is there, and we're all 12, and we're having a sleeper-thon. You know what we're having a sleeper thumb? Because all four or five

of our parents are getting together to do drugs, drink, and God knows what else, and party. And Saturday they come back home and they take us home. And they kind of hung over all day. And we get to see it. It kind of bothers us as kids. We really want to do something on Saturday. But they're kind of fucking hung over. You know, bro, that sits with you for a while.

I don't want to ever even have a fucking cocktail in my house. You understand, me, Martin? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to give it to my daughter as the time comes. But again, I really believe that if you see your hero, doing something, more than likely you're gonna fucking do it. Okay? That's your fucking hero. That's your first hero.

Everybody sitting at this fucking table, our first hero was either our mother or a fucking father, okay? And some of us could handle the drug use and some of us could handle their shortcomings, but some of us couldn't. And I gotta be honest with you, I didn't mind that my

mom smoked. I minded that my mom drank and my mom, thank God I didn't take that shit from her. Thank God she was one of those fucking idiots that would drink at 9 in the morning, a Rehniken with tomato juice and it. You know, my mom was one of those people. Because my mom owned the bar.

My mom knew one thing. If you're an owner or you're behind that bar, for you to sell drinks, you got to drink. Right. For me to effectively sell drinks, I got to go to that door for door with Lee. Lee wants to come down a drink, dog. Lee's not having a good day. None of his fucking faggy friends in the movie theater want to drink with him. But guess what?

If Lee's got a pocket full of money, Uncle Joe drink with a mortal four in the morning. And you got to have a cut off blouse that at least shows cleavage. That's how you get people fucking drinking. You understand me? And that's how you fill up that tip jar. And if your stupid boyfriend sits at the edge of the table and sits there all night, you're not going to have any fucking customers. Because the customers are the fucking drinks and the tits.

That's what attracts those fucking drinks to sit there like Humps all fucking night. My mom had a system, even her bartenders. No husbands, no boyfriend. there's a lot on the premises. Don't even have them come pick you up. We'll pay for your cap. We don't want nobody to know you have a boyfriend. You've always been single.

Take that wedding band off. Take that ugly picture of your fucking kid off your fucking neck. You know what I'm saying? My mom knew how to sell alcohol. That was her job to sell alcohol. My mom knew if you got four people. I don't know one time. And the services of performance.

That's right. You go, you see the bartenders do their thing. They entertain you. Now there's no performance. I tell Lee a thousand times. 20 years ago to fly in this country, I got to tell you something

with the most confidence, attitude I've ever fucking told you, Lisa, your Jewish little mind is going to freak out. I'm ready. If I tell you this, 50 years ago, no, 50 years ago, 20 years ago,

if you got on a plane and you were handsome, you would dress well, and you drank and you knew how to mingle, you had a 60, percent chance of picking up and check on the plane.

Were people just walking around? Walking around. Walking around. People would buy you drinks. What are you guys drinking? We give them three cocktails over there. Next, T&O, excuse me for a second. Can we move our seats over here?

These are friends of us. You just met them at the airport. You just met them online. You just met them at the bar. They told you they were going to fucking New York too. And next thing they got three people, six people together, buying drinks and drink Next thing you know another guy comes over.

You guys know anything about LA? Yeah, man, I used to live there. Where's the sunset strip? Oh, shit. It's a fucking party. Jesus, I got this Coke in my pocket. Let's go to the bathroom and do a couple blasts. That's what flying was.

Wow. That's why the Mile High Club thing began. I can't tell you how many, first class and all these levels were completely different. A little before I started bringing the Coke traveling coast to coast. Plants are all double-deckers guys. Were there less seats? First class was upstairs. There was less seats.

Even coach. You didn't sit like an animal. Half a coach was smoking cigarettes. So the people that were smoking in the back, they all knew their savage. Hey, let me get a cigarette. All right. Oh, where are you from? I'm from Connecticut.

I'm from fucking Bayshore. Oh, shit. Let's have a whiskey. That's what I brought one time I was on a plane. And I was headed, I was moving to Colorado Springs. In my mind, it was old. I'm moving to Colorado Springs. And I got a fucking people.

People's Express was an airline for people who partied and did bluff. People's Express was probably, I'd love to do a documentary on People's Express and see who really owned it. It had to be cocaine people. Because their first flights were, they only went from New York to England, New York to L.A., and New York to Miami. But the secret about Miami was They flew to LA Five times a day No reservations

They left at four You had to be at the airport at two And stand out on What time frame was this? What do you mean years? Yeah 83 to about 89 Wow

I think I sank them in like 86 Because you could pay on the plane Are you with me? Yeah See where we could get in line Like so forth So they flew out of Newark So you went to Newark

Oh my God. You got online and sometimes you were lucky. Sometimes I go, fuck, and take me back. I'll come back tomorrow. I'll come back. You yell. You yell. How long you've been online for?

A day. Fuck it. Because it was cheap. It was $99, $69 from fucking Newark to Los Angeles. But it was $3 for a can of soda. $5 for a veggie tray. Wow. $3 for a pillow.

$2 for a blanket You know They didn't charge for luggage But they did something else That pissed you off That's so fucking crazy So what you did was You ran up a tab on the plane

And 40 minutes before you land The woman would come to you With the old credit card things Not even the computer You give it whatever Wow They didn't ask you for ID That's the last thing they wanted

It was ID That's the last thing they wanted It was ID They were know you were fake till you landed it with 20 miles on the other direction that's when they would run and go this guy's a fake this credit card stole oh we were fucked them we were fucking them up but here was the beauty that's not even the beauty no no here's the beauty of how to justify the statement i made the fucking martin to justify this statement i made the martin

i gotta tell you why this made this statement because right about the time Miami Vice came out. Just go to People's Express. History of People's Express. People's Express got very popular in 83. Because in 1983, they left Newark, New Jersey, on the hour, every hour, guess to where?

Miami. Here's the beauty of it. From 8 in the morning to midnight, it was $69 and for midnight to 8 the morning it was like $29. Wow. So that meant me, you

and Lee could be at a fucking bar. People's Express was launched April of 98, April of 81. What I tell you? I was killing them. There you go. Look at it. May of 1983

People's Express began flights nonstop, Newark to London, Brand, blah, blah, Jacksonville, Cleveland, the mound, those who weren't the ones I was killing them on.

Yeah, then they died. They fucking went under. When did they go under? Let's see here. Well, they were still up in 86. I think 86, meaning? Yeah, that's when I sank their ship. I was east 87.

Yeah. What the fuck did you think you're dealing with? Oh, my God. I used to kill these motherfuckers, up to 85. I'm not going to lie to you. You're right. How much older are you than I am?

Two. In 85, I was 22 years old. Okay. And I was living in North Bergen from February of 83 to January of 85 where I lived in Northburg. And since I was Cuban, and I knew people in Miami. I had relatives down there. I became Johnny on the spot for a lot of people. I would never come back with that money.

I was 17. All right. And this shit was going off. This shit was on fire. So now you and I, be snort and coke, right? Like, I would bump into you at 8 o'clock on a Friday night after Miami Vice, right?

Don't even worry about that. I would hook up with you on a Friday, about 10.30 after Miami Vice. We'd go have a few drinks. We'd pick up a package at the bar, and all of a sudden we get the chit-chat, and one thing leads to another, you're like, you know what?

I got this fucking Cuban girl I'm dating in Miami. I really like to go see you. Can you get a package of Miami, Martin? Fuck yeah. A brother's a dealer. Last time I went down there, he gave me an ounce of $55 and $25. Well, what the fuck are we doing here? We were just getting the car and drive to Newark Airport, no luggage.

That's a type of savage. How was that? No luggage. We'll worry about luggage when we get there. We get to People's Express. We had half hour. Boom. If you didn't get on the next flight, you got on the next one, but it didn't matter.

Because we have an eight ball of Coke. We're snorting Coke. We're at the bar, dog. We're having a good time no matter what. You'd get to that bar, all those people. at that bar, we're also snowing coke and they were also waiting to go to Miami to do the same shit we were doing.

Martin, it was surreal. Never did I see a cop back there, people going to the bathroom. It was like everybody on that plane was coked up. I mean, shit was blowing up back then. So, and out of Miami, they were one an hour too. But out of Miami, they were Bulldogs.

In those days, by 83 in Miami, by 84, you couldn't fly out of Miami already. had it locked down, they would pull you over for no reason. I think I dumped coke one time in Miami. I dumped 20 ounces one time. And I went back like an hour later and took it out of the fucking garbage. But she hit the fan in Miami, didn't it?

Wasn't like shit getting blown up and explosions here and there and people getting blasted? I don't remember. At that time, everybody was trying to become a millionaire. Everybody knew that an ounce of cocaine in New York was $18,800. But if you flew down to Miami, you get that same cocaine for $800. There's not a fucking human being that's not doing bad in their head. And guess what? 60% of those people got robbed at gunpoint.

Wow. 20% of those people got sold shit. How are you going to get it back up to New York, though? Just fly with it? Go right, but you got to figure out a mule. You got to get a mule in those days. You got to put a guy on the train with a guy behind them and another guy behind them. you know and that was

I think I'd pay a thousand dollars I had me and a buddy figured out how to go on a plane with four ounces I could take you know because in those days I was getting them in a fucking jewelry box so the guy

would prepackage him in a jewelry box so I'd put them in my luggage and hide them really good that shit gets scary I like traveling with the coke on me so I could watch that fucking motherfucker you know what I'm saying you're responsible for that thing You got to travel with it.

I don't know how many fucking times I traveled with blow on me. And on the plane, I couldn't resist it, dog. I'd start snort on that plane. And then I'd land that I'd be fucking hammered. But in those days, like I'm telling you guys, 60% of that plane was drunk. I can imagine this being an episode of locked up abroad. No, no. No, seriously.

This is like a picture of that shit. Let me explain some to you. Yeah, domestically. You know, everybody wants you to feel bad for these people that get arrested in these other country and try to be cute. I have zero fucking sympathy for you, my friend. Oh, yeah. That's why I tell people all the time, bro, before you go there,

bonte la pila, because you're on track. You don't know where you're going. You don't know what they do. You get smacked in the wrist for you can be over there, can be murdered. You're not going on any tourists in North Korea? Yeah. No, no, no, no. I mind my business.

Listen, I don't have a passport, but in reality, I maybe don't want one. You ever think of that? Oh, no, no, it gets crazy. You've got to behave. You got to behave. You got to behave. You don't know what the fuck. You can't pull that.

I'm in America. Ari was scaring this shit out of me. When Harry said he was going to all those countries, bro, I got to tell you something. For the first two weeks, I really worried about him. Because I know he's crazy. He'll take his shirt off in somewhere. He's a white dude. You can tell he's Jewish.

I don't know. I don't remember if he had a Mohawk or not at the time. You know, he's in Cambodia. That's scared. He has the shit out of a guy like me. That petrifies a dude like me, dog. What's scary about Kimbo? Look at this fucking white kid that went to

fucking Korea, North Korea, which he should have been shot on him, and his parents should have bit slapped him. I believe if your kid comes home with some stupid idea, you should grab him by the neck and go listen. You're talking about the reporter that... The white kid, they just died. They just died. They sent him back retarded.

Yeah. Yeah. He sent them back home to die. Yeah. But they shot him with, like, fucking Benzo or something to keep a life for 24 fucking hours just to get him here. When he got off the plane you could tell him something wrong with him. He was in a coma for a little year. He was in a coma, yeah, yeah, he was fucked up. Now, what did he do to piss them off?

He ripped a poster off a wall. He ripped off, he wanted the poster as a souvenir or something. No, no, I'm saying. Or was he protesting? No, no, no, no, well, who knows? I don't know what the reason was for taking down the poster. Or just don't touch the fucking poster. Yeah, listen, money business. It's going

to Puerto Rico. money business go to the RICO I want to go to Cuba bro no go to Cuba I don't fuck around though don't fuck around why fuck around

down there smoke weed any of that shit I would not do that's why I couldn't go to Cuba for 10 days because there's no way I'm gonna give a weed for 10 days there's no weed over there

there's weed over there there's weed everywhere there's weed everywhere but especially now are you fucking kidding me but I mean do they I mean is it like are the laws like super crazy

I don't know I have no fucking idea, but I know there's weed there. It's not fucking sunset herbal. You know what I'm saying? It's not fucking sunset herbal. They have V-strain? It's not sunset herbal. It's still that check of all special.

Yeah, they got some weed that looks like weed that they grow on the island. They try their best. Like they do everything. You see what they do with cars. They're still reviving 57s out there, aren't they? Fuck, yeah. A little Tony benefit for you motherfuckers here. To let you know we're still in the game.

Cock suckers. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart as I

a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to Who cares? I do. You're such a fucking malook. Yeah, Maloo. I'm trying to take you to the river.

I'm trying to give you a fucking education. You just go backwards after two days. Lizzie love company. I believe it. You'll be crying. You're saying. Cut that shit, cusset. It's funny because you and I were very fortunate.

in our careers. And then you see how other people act at that level. It's funny, somebody was telling me today they don't like how the comedy store is booked anymore because Mitchie would book it

older guys and then a lot of younger guys. And then, you know, and Mitchie wanted the younger guys to learn from the older guys. Well, you're not going to really learn from somebody when you work with them at the comedy store.

you don't learn tricks and whatever those type of tricks but you're really not going to learn how to be a comedian you and I learn from two great comics we worked with and we opened up for them all those years you know what I'm saying and as everything

moves forward in life good comics like yourself and myself we just naturally branch out you know what I'm saying are you that fucking stone why are you looking at me no no no no because I'm I think you're looking at you you you seriously Like, you're somebody that I

respect your opinion. I respect. That scene in Man on Fire. Uh-huh. Well, he's got the Mexican do with the glasses in the car, and he's about to cut his fingers over. That's fucking funny, man. Even as his hands.

No, say. That's so fucking funny, man. No, no, I'm listening to you talking, and I'm like, and I'm really in. You know, you learned that you worked with Game around the last couple years, 10 years. I worked. with Joe for fucking 10 years on the road,

you know, how many weekends here and there. And you learn, you learn the character of a comic, you learn the evolution of a comic, you learn how the first year, everybody's jumping up and down, and everybody's drinking, and now it gets a little calmer, but it's crazier in another department, you know what I'm saying, and how tours change, because there's never really a tour. It was an endless tour.

Yeah, it was the never-ending tour. The name would change, but it was a, it was like a, like a 20-year journey. Like, I mean, not quite 20, but, I mean, Gabriel, he just, what, celebrated a, yeah. Dude, 20 years of his career, and a lot of it was spent, you know, I'm, you know, I shoot, I was fortunate enough to see a big portion of it, you know, from a very early phase. You know, I mean, he just, I mean, he blew up in front of us, really. You know, we saw him go to another level from, you know, zero to a billion. The bicycle club on Tuesday nights, $35.

You got to pick it up on Friday between four and six. That's when I want to go to the fucking 7-10. Between four and six on a Friday, those cock suckers. So it was crazy that we got to see the hotels, how they changed. Yeah. How it went from plane to buses to your own personal bus to maybe a private. Jet to maybe, you know, from, it wasn't Delaware no more, Philadelphia, and now you're going to fucking Europe and Germany. No, seriously, it went from Southwest Airlines to fucking private jets.

Private jets. Yeah, and sometimes not even Southwest Airlines, sometimes driving in a car, you know, four people deep. If it's to Arizona or fucking, you know, or to, you know, Bakersfield, San Francisco, San Francisco. San Jose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys always took it like a fan. Yeah, we drove. We drove.

It wasn't always private planes. And in retrospect, I look at it. Yeah. And it was very much Kennis-ish, without even seeming Kettishness. You guys were all good friends. Nobody was really going off to Deep Island with cocaine or, you know, shooting heroin with hookers or missing radio. Everybody was very professional. It was, it was magic.

But it was a different type of magic. It was a different type of magic. I just have to see it a few times. And I could feel the love in the room, you know. After the fucking thing, Gabriel would go eat and dirty people, you know what I'm saying? Everybody's eating like a fucking king. And people ask them for pictures. It's a surreal world.

It really was. It really was to say it. To be a part of that world and taste it, you know, at whatever level it is, you know, there's people that have come in and, you know, that Gabriel's brought out on the road for certain gigs. that see the magnet. Because people, unless you see it, it's really hard to know. You can't describe it without sounding kind of like, almost like you're boasting or bragging or something. But it's like I've seen people like look at, look at, like I've seen, dude,

I've seen families that will say things like, you know, we just buried our such and such relative who was a huge fan and we actually had his picture of you. It was like a shrine to him that they buried this. man with you know and then they all like and then they go to this place to eat out in the middle of Texas and in San Antonio I think we were and they run into Gabe right after like legit they're there for dinner after they just buried this kid you know and they see Gabe and and it might have been it's it was almost like if you know like if Jesus would

have walked in back in the day the way these people were looking at them to see how a really good comic acts yeah how a really good comic uh just the composure, you know, I got to learn a lot from Joe Rogan guys, a lot on the road opening for him, you know, I added some things. I would say, listen, why are we doing this? Why are we leaving at one and rocking a whole day? Let's put this together ready, get the fuck out of here early. You know, like, I would add some stuff and it all worked, and today that's what the system I used today. I use the same fucking system every week. I was never Gabriel's guy, I really like traveling

alone most of the time, to be honest with you. I think it's a big responsibility. I like what Gabriel was doing. Yeah. But it was weird because nobody was looking at it. I saw you guys somewhere. I think it was in Irvine with Felicia. And I go, you know what nobody has mentioned about this?

That this has a Kettison vibe to it. Like Gabriel would do, you would take you 40 minutes to you got to see Gabriel. And there was four guys doing 10 minutes apiece for them with different fucking views. It was interesting, you know.

And then somebody was talking to me, somebody from the church recently, but not, maybe in Utah, they asked me if I had seen Gabriel's move or they went to see Gabriel. He had a half-time during his show. Yeah, intermission.

There was an intermission. And it was fucking amazing. It was just, it was an event. It is an event. It still is an event. I mean, I shouldn't say it was an event. It still is an event.

So you get to learn. Yeah, you see, it becomes, it becomes, you know, I mean, when you went to one of the concerts, it was that, it was a concert. It was really a fucking, it wasn't a stand-up show, it was a legit concert. Well, you go home and you scratch your head, you're like, I got to reevaluate what the fuck I'm doing, because that was magical. It was magical. And I said, those are the words that I've used to describe it to Gabriel.

But we've seen a lot of magic, a lot of magical moments. But the beauty of it is, bro, that. one day you say you know what I don't even want what Gabriel has I don't even want what Joe Rogan has It's a lot of responsibility I just want to go out into my own thing

I've been in this town long enough I want a headline I got the chops I've got the credits and that's what you're doing right now you're in the process of you were telling me you're doing like an unspoken fucking

Oh it's fucking crazy man Now let me just add to this because this to me is one of the most if I got a if I got a I think one time you were on the podcast and I touched on it but if I have to go through

the top ten nights I've had in my 20 years in Los Angeles you know when we first get into comedy we're very fortunate nobody calls me for those anymore not that I'd want to do them because you're busy you're doing the podcast

but that was a time where you would get Your phone would ring every fucking day that somebody would have a bar and somewhere and we were doing comedy that night and you would get 30 bucks and a meal. Jesus, 30 bucks on a couple of drink tickets.

Let me ask you something. Can you get me out of that by 945? Because I got to be at the Comedy Store by 1030. Tell me the truth. Don't bullshit me, dog. Is there a Dodger game? Fucking tell me the truth. You know what I'm saying? Because I got other spots. And it was, and you went down there and you got to see different comics.

I don't have that in my life no more. That's gone. But there was a time with Maryland, and Maryland would call me twice a week. Maryland was the king of the hustle. Say whatever you want about Maryland. God rest of the soul. You would call me McGa Jolly.

Martine Marrillo's booking a room and whatever. He wants to know if you'll take 50 hours for 20 minutes. Dave will drive. I'm like, fuck it. You know what I'm saying? Those are the fun fucking days. God rest of the soul. He's going to be a very honest of all.

It's going to be an anniversary. Ten years. Can I tell you that, that, you know, you meet a lot of people. You meet a lot of fucking people. And, you know, out of a lot of people that I know, no one reaches out as consistently to say, hey, how are you? I fucking love you. Like, you know, because we don't hang out all the time. No, no, no.

We don't hang out all the time. We see each other rarely, you know. But, but I, dude, you, we, you. You check in and you actually genuinely, you've always have since I met you. You've never stopped checking and saying, hey, I'm just checking to see how you're doing. There's not too many genuine people you meet. You know, and that, but Maryland would do the same thing. Yeah, you have to check that.

This is your family, don't. And it was, it was. This is part of it. You know, I always felt like, holy fuck, you guys. You guys are. What a real deal. Real motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's funny, I go to this fucking bar. I had met you maybe twice. or three times before this. And we're doing the show. I'm a blast. I think Marilyn's up before me. You're on stage, and all of a sudden,

there's a commotion. I don't know what the fuck it is. And I go, Marilyn, what's going on? She goes, oh, my God, Martinez's going outside to fight this guy. I go, what are you talking about? He was just on stage. And he goes, he's going outside

because I guess he said something about the president, the guy's a soldier, or something fucking crazy, and they got to pull up politics. then like 10 minutes later it was the next comic you were hosting you went up there your shirt was torn a little bit he had a couple

smacks in his mouth and you went back on stage and did the comedy and now you were friends like you bought him a shot something weird had happened martina it was it was just a fucking like you just you reason with somebody you know when you just like

tell somebody like you know when you get to that point where you can't just fucking like look you fuck you know it doesn't get more basic than this. When you take it to that level with somebody. No, but you went outside, you came back in like a gentleman. You brought me up on stage and I always admire that.

I go, did you guys just know he just got to a first fire with this gentleman? Fucking joking. Like this is what? This is right now. Was it Old Hambra? That was Rick Ramos's room in Alhambra. Real cute bar. Yeah, it was Rick Ramos's room in Alhambra.

This had to be. Maryland's dead 10 years this November. So this had to be, what, 15 years ago? Wow. 15 years ago, we put it at 2002. Fuck. Yes, yes. That's why I fell in love with you.

When you went, you threw a couple punches, you came back looking like a gentleman. When I left, you guys were having a beer, everybody was happy, somebody was missing a tooth, but it didn't matter. It all happened for the namesake of comedy. But now you're out there, and I see your little fucking Facebook videos.

You're at a Mexican restaurant, the hood, in Chicago. And I admire that. You know, if you're out there, you get the opportunity to do this, you know, until Fluffy starts his next tour. And whatever, it feels great for you. I'm happy you're doing this. You have a website and this shit. Yeah.

It has your dates. What's that? You have a website, which has all your dates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, my dates are on Eventbrite right now. Eventbrite. Yep. Martin Moreno.

And what gigs are you have coming up? Shit, bro. This fucking... Drop a mommy. Right now, this Friday the 7th. Magicopolis is a freaking theater in Santa Monica, dog, right around the corner from the promenade. Okay. So it's this pretty cool-ass theater.

They do magic and shit, but fucking it's, it's fucking sick. Bro, it's perfect for what the fuck I'm doing. You want to start, though? Joy must have been there for all those matches. Oh, dude. Oh, dude, listen, let me tell you something. Do you want another star? Do I want another star?

Yeah. You know what? There's no way in fuck. Like, when you call yourself a savage, there's a lot of people that say fucking savage and they just throw that shit out there. You motherfuckers are savages. You're going to eat too, no.

Let's go. It's a fourth of July. I could ever try to keep up with that. You don't know. Put on the national anthem. It's fucking a fucking your life. I'm in here trying to fucking focus. Like, I'm fucking focus.

You got to go. You got to go. You got a firecrack? Listen, you fly crackers? No, you don't eat Firecrackers. You're not going to eat two fucking stars. Look at this.

We'll finish this out, Lee. No or not? Yes, we do. What is what we're going to do? Me and you, like fucking gentlemen. We'll finish out what's in this bag. No, no. Let's do what we'll do.

Come here. Don't tell me fucking no. So, I'll tie you up, and I'll leave you in here for three days. How much is this one? How much is it? Not for you. I'll never give you two.

millimeter okay good thank you you're gonna eat a half of 125 what are we doing is that I'm not I'm not no we had we had 202 50 already well listen how many more can you yeah high was what was your high your high your high was 3,000 that's enough okay so wait I'm only so that would only put me at three percent no yeah so one percent is that Lee hold on let me figure out my okay okay so I'll do you I'll do one more red star how about that there's no listen what's the difference what's the difference between a red star and purple. But can I just do one more?

One more red, yeah. One more purple, yada. You promise? There's only a couple. Listen, there's four. Let's do two apiece. No, that's easy already. Oh, guys, you see what happens. This is like the guy on the fair. But look at this. But look at this. Look, look, look. Look, we're done for the week.

No, we're not. We have plenty of more stars. Look, bro, would I lie to you? What are you talking about? You're surrounded by me? These are 125s. This is for a different mission we're using. You know, we can't. We have to eat 22, 125

just to get the party stuff. Did, you guys are like Rick and Morty, bro. We got two little stars here. You're going to see animals at the fucking, at the whatever. At the zoo? No, the other place. But you're going to rescue people.

The pound? Yeah, you were going to have these little stars. Oh, shit. They're just looking at you. Sarah McLaughlin's going to do a row of... Look at their eyeballs. They started with like 20 friends. And they all got picked.

You're going to walk by these little fucking... Look how they're looking at you. They're crying. I'll do one, dude. Where else are you? Please. You're not going to eat two of them. Those two came together.

You know how we do it here? What's two... Four and 2250 is what? I don't want the 26. 50, dude. That's crazy. What would you do? What would you do? 2450. All right. There you go. Thank you.

Go to tell. What you're doing? I want to watch you, Coxuck. I don't trust you. What do you don't trust me? Well, I don't trust. Put the National Anthem. All right. Wow. Let's go. What's the problem, man?

Listen, this last. There you go. There you go. Oh, shit. It's time. Cock suckers. It's over. It's over. Lee. Eat that last fucking star. like this, like a soldier. That's it. Do you understand that my 125's just kicking

in hard as fuck? That shit came in like a like a fucking wave. Let me tell you some, that's from the bottom of the bag. It's filled. Turn that off. Turn that. That's not the one I'm looking.

There's no way I could keep up with you, fuckers. There's no way I could even dream of it. I don't want anybody ever come on this show. Uh-huh. And think for one second that they have to keep up with what we're doing. We just want you to come on the show.

Good. Have a good time. Get Stone to the kills. Get some water. And that's it. Do a bong to the two. Amen. About music.

And how long have you been an Iron Maiden fan for? Oh my God, bro. Since I was in freaking high school and I... Let me tell you. You came out for 666, The Power of the Beast? Oh, I was already in. You were already in? The one before that.

Run to the Hills. First Bruce Dixon album was with them was Run to the Hills, right? The video with the Indians and shit. That's when they played with Saxon at the fucking... and Lombie Chorina. What's the matter, Lee? Is that what that shit was? Because if that's when it was, then that's, it's got everyone.

I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, but yeah. I don't know when Paul Deanna left on it. I made by that time. Yeah. Did he leave or did Dickinson take it away from him? I don't know, Papa.

I think what the... At that time, yeah, I remember. There was a different time. Yeah. At that time, we had Cream magazine. Yeah. And something else. I saw your circus magazine right there, which is fucking badass.

Some hip parader. Well, part of the church family. Yeah. Found it out of fucking... That's what we had. You say you have the internet. You go on Reddit and find, like, a chat room, and somebody will tell you what really happened.

This is what I heard. I work at the music store, and where he comes in to buy guitars, and he left the band. He's starting his new fucking band. Now, you know, you got all this info available to you. When I was a kid, I had no info available to you. Right.

Somebody leaves a band. Somebody leaves a band. Why? Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck wants an interview? black sabbath you think barbara walters wanted to have black sabbathon i did like i got i got introduced i got introduced to metal in early eight in the early 80s and in high school and uh you know before that all i knew was like top 40 and my mom's fucking

spanish music so metal was like a fucking like a culture so like i started getting it in small dosages and before i knew it i was just like fucking i look this is the shit that i like i enjoy listening to the shit but you know what kills me by you don't like you're full fucking metal Like, you're a Mexican dude, the very clean. But there's a lot of Mexican metal guys. Oh, my God. There's a lot of Mexican metal guys. And they're fucking into it.

They get the shirts. They're where you fucking go. Yeah. They love that shit. And they don't care. As long as it's a band that they remember, they reminds them of the time when everything was fucking just like, you know what? Yeah, this was cool.

I want more of this. How many people were at the show? Oh, they had been close to 30,000. How much were the tickets? Fuck. I think, like, fucking, I have no idea, to be honest. I was invited a friend of mine hit me up. Fricking Richard Hayes, bro.

He's the dude I get furniture from. This guy hooks me up with fucking furniture. This fucking, well, he doesn't hook me up with furniture, but like, when I want shit, like, he made me an orange fucking couch, bro. A giant orange couch. Like, the vibe you have in here, I fucking love it. This is, like, semi what my, is that what you want? This is what my home looks like.

This is awesome. Like, I like this vibe. I like the feeling of this. You like orange couches? I love them. What kind of material is it? It's fucking like it, just like a regular couch. Like a big old, big old futon with a, not futon.

Like a big old couch, like a sectional with fucking, uh, the Ottomans and shit. Okay. But it's like a giant big orange one. And that's what I want. And we don't feel good. That couch is nice. You can land on the couch. Yeah, no, no, no, no, fucking look it out.

It's clean. No, he's ever had sex on it. All right. Least the only one that possibly possibly possible, they could have farted on it. But besides. I know that that couch is a virgin. That couch is a great couch. Well, thank you.

That's a very generous of you. I appreciate that. This would be a nice spot if you were a single guy and you can flip it and keep your shit low. Yeah. Not bring no one. This is a nice, you know, I remember being a kid thinking I can't wait to be older.

Yeah. I've got like a shitty apartment and lived like Charles Bronson and Death Wish. Not even Death Wish. There was a movie. Yeah, well, in Death Wish, he had an apartment. And that's where he stored his guns. his suits and shit they would kill people and I always wanted that same little apartment

like that I can't wait to live like Charles Bronson I think about that shit now dying alone fuck you nobody wants to die alone you got to get a girlfriend Jack oh yeah yeah yeah fuck that died alone shit that was great in the 70s that shit don't work for Uncle Joey no more yeah no you uh shit you're a family man it's uh hard to even believe You are a family man, Joey. We went to San Francisco for a few days to hook up with her godfather and her godfather's daughter who, they love each other. I mean, they've known each other for like two years since. Mercy was a baby.

Mercy calls her big sister. She calls her little sister in California. You know, do you think I want to fucking go to San Francisco and walk around? Fisherman's Dwarf Every time I think about Fisherman's Wharf I think about 1985 I had two hot spots

for travelers checks in those days Okay I had Japanese town And Fisherman's War You went to any of those stores On Fisherman's War When they're fucking flabbergasted

Then I'm gonna really ask you for a day And if you use your credit cardinal card that's in the 50 bucks never gonna ask you for ID they're not even gonna call they're even gonna run it they're gonna put it in that machine and go chichchch so I would alternate between the both of them

that was that day those days oh fucking ain't so let's pretend you came to me on this line so listen come here for a second there's a lady over there and this is how it was this is how it was brother there's a lady on there she'll take your car and she'll

show you whatever you got to color in on 30% 10 fucking lamps You had to sell You know what I'm saying Like whatever you clipped in those days You had to be able to sell Look and look at this poor bastard

Did you eat another stuff? No, I hate that one But my water got fucked up So those were my two spots Because it was high volume If they ever asked for your idea Would you just say I forgot it

It's in my rental car Jesus Christ Hold on Let me see if I can see my way Let me get that back. Pugh! I wouldn't go in there dress like Joe Bum. I would go in there dress like Don Johnson in that thing.

I used to have a white shirt. I would have a gold chain. My hair would be combed. I would have a jacket. I'd have shoes and a pair of pants. And sometimes I have a briefcase. That's how deep my Jimmy went. But on those, some days I'd just go on.

I'd have $10,000 in travelers' chanks. And I got to make a limit. I got $10 on my pocket. pocket. So I would go into a place, spend 80, give them 100, and they would give me, like, change back, or whatever the fuck it is. I would spend, like, 60, and they would give them $250 travelist checks, and they'd give me 40 back. You know, shit like that. You just maneuvered it, like you knew. I forget all the math in those days, how to get the most for your money. Again, there'd be people that come to you and say, look, she'll cash 10 of those things,

but she wants three of them for her. And then could you return that stuff like her for cash? Yeah. Oh, shit. So you had to have, so I had to come to you. Like, let's say there was somebody who made pictures, and you wanted those pictures for your bar. And there were $500 new.

I would go over and get you the picture sold to you for two. I don't give a fuck. I have no fucking cost. My cost is zero. If I go over and get you three of those pictures, what do I make? I make six bills. That's a deal to a guy like you, because that were going to cost you $500.

I should really be charging you $250, but I like you, cuck, sucker. Just give me two and I get you three of these. Fuck, yeah. So I would go to Fisherman's War in those days and just cashing fucking credit cards, cash in travelers, checks. And now you're walking around. It was crazy because I never went back there again.

Oh shit. I left there at 85. The cops were looking for me, and that was the end of that. Nothing was ever heard about San Francisco again. I left some jewelry pawned in a pawn shop, and my ex-wife flew back one day, a one-day trip from Denver. Nobody knew. She left at six in the morning.

She was back at like three in the afternoon, and she went and got all our jewelry and shit out of porn, out of a hawk. But that was it. I never went back to San Francisco. And then... 2000. He used to do Thursday night. And Friday, he did the radio.

Found the cab, and I took a cab to the tenderloin. I hadn't been the tenderloin dog, and fucking, just the cops were looking for me. And I fucking had them drop me off, and I walked around those streets. And I remember seeing a cafe, and I went in there and had breakfast. And while I was eating, all the memories of me walking those streets, Wow. I was a fucking kid.

I was 20. I thought I was answers. It was pretty street smart. I will tell you that, by that time, by the time I got to San Francisco, I was fucking tremendous.

I knew credit cards. I knew street. I knew drug. I knew everything. I knew weapons. By the time I got to San Francisco, I knew a little bit about weapons. So I was

telling somebody I was a bodyguard. Phone boo. I don't know. for this dude, I ended up robin in San Francisco. I mean, you're looking at me right now. The comedian, Joe Deez, your buddy of 15 years. And I'm telling you that, when I was 21, maybe 22,

I was a body girl. My mother would always tell me about Bougarong. My mother will always say that to different customers and shit like that. A Bougarong was a dude who went to prison in Cuba that wasn't gay, but he would fuck you. gay guys and let them suck his dick. He wouldn't suck their dick.

So there was a name for that. Bougarro. This guy was a Bougarro. This guy was a Bougarone drug dealer. He had a wife and a kid. What would they say if he called him gay? He would knock you to fuck out. Because he wasn't gay.

By no means. He was macho. He was like the most interesting man in the world. And he would walk into the room with these two guys that were dressed up as women. With like moustaches, like a shadow. You know what I'm saying? and a wig and made up and purses. Like these guys weren't gendered.

They didn't do the operation. They still had dicks and shit. They just were women. They were prison hos. They were gay men that went to Cuban prisons, the prisons here, and they were hot. They got them. Bro, you saw them unless you look closely out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. And sometimes you don't know. Fuck it. They came out of prison and were like, well, I like this identity. Sometimes you go to person gay Okay Yeah

Okay That's what I guess So Joey Diaz finds out Okay You're his cellmate Joey Diaz finds out You're gay And one night

After about a month He wakes you up In the middle of night He goes Hey Lee Don't mean from you Suck my dick I can't

I can't Same thing as anything else I'm like You gotta work It's the same way You know what I'm saying You start sucking my dick I start fucking you

The ass I mean This is crazy This is that It's crazy It's fucking crazy But all of a sudden After three months

I go, Lee, you know what I've been looking at you You once told me you felt like a woman Correct Yes, I do Give me a favor Thank you for you to think my name by the way Tomorrow I want you to order a wig I want you to take those prison pants

And cut up the hot pants And tighten more around your ass I want you to get a bra and fill them up See, it looks like you have Teddy's dog. Oh, it's sexy. It's full, but you have no idea. Oh, no. These two were full blast, hotter than shit.

But at night, he would go home back to his family. But in the daytime, they worked this like body, not really bodyguards, but they stood next to them. They passed the drugs along to people. If you owe them money, you gave them the money. You know, big Cuban production. You know what I'm saying? Big, I'm a gangster production.

Slinging fucking $30. bags that a fuck it. Doesn't sound like they tried to hide it at all. No, no, no. It's slinging $30 bags on the tenderloin from fucking 11 to 8 o'clock at night. Like any other mouth. Like a respectable business. Yeah, no, but like I said, it's so natural. But no, one day, I'm friends at this kid Bambusi, who I used to hustle with Cuban kid. And one day, he goes, dog, tomorrow, I got to do something.

Are you busy? And I go, no. And he goes, do you have a gun? I go, yeah. He goes, can you bodyguard? this guy the morning. He goes, a piece of cake is three hells, and you stand on the corner,

and you make sure nothing fucking happens to him. That's it. He'll pay you three hellllose at the end of the end of that. I'm a young fucking kid, dog. $300 for your life? There was no life. What do you mean? There was no life.

I got a gun. I got extra bullets. I got a clip. And you're invincible. And I'm invincible in my mind. I'm 22. I got no family. I got no mother.

My mother's dead. What do I give a fuck? Fuck it. I'll be his fucking bodyguard. The first day, do I get a... My mother would always say that word to me. To the mua wrong. They get big of the boss.

All these things. Then that first day, it all comes to me. I get there. I introduce myself. He says, see, see, you're Therito, Pari. I've seen you in the neighborhood. About an hour later, fucking the Supremes come down. They're both Cuban chicks.

They're guys, but they're dressed up as well. The Supremes. They come out. And they're hanging out like Farrah Fawcett and the fucking Charlie's Angels, minus one, right? Like, they're really women, dog. Like, they're pushing it. And guys are walking by and they look at them. And every once in a while he would go, what the fuck are you looking at?

To like the women, what are you looking at him for? The fuck. They met him guy et al-a-dazzo. And the gay guy would squint off. They met him guy et al-so, I mean, I'll smack you. I swear to God. And the gay guy would, and then the next night, he said, that night he goes listen can you do it again tomorrow

even if bamboos he comes I want extra help around here we're getting too many cops I want you to keep your eyes open I go sure I came back the next day the next day was completely different same thing it came out they come out like an hour late after they made out he sleeps somewhere else they hold the coke from upstairs

they probably had another stash apartment at the time but they also had a hotel room in the hilton up the corner from the tenderloin which is still there I'm not sure if it's still a hilton It's across from the hostel there. I don't know what's the name of that O'Farrell maybe. It's wherever San Francisco hostel is right across the street from their caddy corner.

There's the Hilton there. So he would get a room there. He would have a room with the two gay guys on the tenderloin, and probably one of the gay guys had another apartment. So it was two guys, but they live in one, and they'd have a stash room in one apartment. This guy was bringing the coke in from Miami. and when he would come in, everybody would hop for him,

and he would sling his product on the tenderloin. There was two blocks there where he just slung product. Some people came for 20s, some people came for 60s, some people came for half a kilo. And it was right upstairs, and they would go up and get the batch. When he wanted something that was big that he didn't have close by to him, he would hide shit in a bumper. Like, he would hide his 50s and 20s in bumpers of cars.

and when you drove up, the chick would take out of the bumper and throw it on the floor and you give him the money and then he fucking hold on to the money. After he had a certain amount, the one gay guy with the wig would run upstairs with the money

and then come back down. That's how it worked. So the second day on that and some guy talks to this fucking the one skinny gay guy with the wig, right? Uh-huh. And the guy really thinks it's a,

woman and he's coming on to this guy is talking to the other thing with the wig and two guys not even about drugs they're just talking about Cuban stupidity and he looks over and he goes oh yeah the head that the take I'm going deep with that means stop talking to this fucking guy

in other words I'm on the fucking corner as a look at the next thing you know I don't know what happens he just turns around and starts punching it just punching it

and I mean he had it like four times she went down on the floor he kicked her in the stomach a few times that was just life that was accepted in that lifestyle

like he could beat them make him suck his dick upstairs beat that you know it was such a thing that I had I'd kind of hurt of but not really like I'd never even seen something like that at 20 years old, 22.

He would beat it right there on the street. And nobody would say, Zucho. On the street in public. On the street, 50 people walking around the tenderloin, he would smack him with open hand. I had a fucking walk out. I was there for like maybe two or three other days.

Not to be insensitive, but would, do you think they wouldn't have said something if it was a girl? Or was it that kind of place that they wouldn't say anything anyways? Like if it was a natural born girl. Yeah, exactly. I don't think he would hit a woman. I think because of this situation. So it was more like a gay bashing type of a thing?

No, it's like a prison thing. Like a prison thing. This is how their lifestyle is in prison, these Cuban fucking dudes. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. That's the way it was back in the old country. Yeah. Well, in prison, there's no fucking rules. No, they bring in the division back here.

Yeah. Dude, yeah, you fucking, yeah, prisons are... Dog, I was in shock the first time. Then the second time he beat the other one up, he punched her that time. Oh, my God. He kicked her a couple times on the floor. She was bleeding, and he told her to go upstairs and clean up. Why'd she stay?

Don't fucking ever fucking look at me and talk to me like that against that. That means I break your fucking life in half. She went upstairs, came back, tip-top, Magoo, and makeup on it, like nothing happened. Wow. Covered up to black eye. And that's the fucking lifestyle that they could beat him. Hey, listen, there's a website called Christian Domestic Discipline. You know what?

This is not, listen. This is funny, these dudes are fucking, dude, I swear to God, these motherfuckers are justifying it with the Bible. They're saying, hey, you fucked up. I won't beat the shit out of you. Fucking, I decide when you fuck up. But it's like an agreement between them in this freaking, like, you, dude, I was fucking Googling, spanking. fucking like old school 70 spanking and shit Wait, between kids or adults?

No, no, no, these are adults But the dudes are like, like say that say you have a wife, right? Right. If you're under this freaking like thing, The Bible says that you're the man, you're in charge, you're in control. So if she fucks up At your discretion,

you just say, hey, fucking you fucked up. She goes, she prays, she reflects, and then you come in and punish her with the spanking and shit. Sure. Oh, no, there's people that, and there's like testimonies on there from these people, you know?

I don't think there's a lot of Mexican women doing this. What's that? At least not the kind of... No, no, no, no. I'm telling, this is a Christian website. I don't know about who else is in there. I mean, unless you're faking it that you're a Christian to join them, but I'm pretty sure that they'd be pretty selective.

There's also fucking Christians that come up with a snake. What's that? They come up with a fucking snake and the snake blesses you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once a fucking year, snake bites one of those fucking... Yeah, they hold all the crazy, crazy poison of snakes. Religion is what you want to fucking believe. Hold on that, though.

Let me give some shoutouts here. You got it. Religion is what the fuck you want to believe. If you want to believe that somebody beating you to death is what religion is all about, be my fucking guest. What are you talking about? Listen, what are you talking about? What are you saying?

Gene Castro. What about to get beaten to death? Gino Castro. Joe Dominguez, Isaiah Sanders, Cosmere, Boomer. What are you kidding me? Or what? Mickey Miller.

Jeep. Jim Nunya. Donnie. from 144th and fucking Lebanon Street. Sulton Carpenter. No, Stupin Carpton, Juan Elvier, and my main man, Bill Dolan. That's how we're fucking doing it tonight.

Cocksuckers, I know we're taking it to be. I was here. It's always a pleasure to see my little brother. Like I said, I judge people. People, not really in a lot of crazy things, but when you leave the States, get into an argument and a fist fight with somebody, then you come back like nothing happens.

I'm in with you. That means you're a real comic and you're real gentleman. There's something about you like. And I was always friends with all those guys. You know, I love Alfred. Alfred was there when I almost killed a certain individual. And since that he's become my friend, the tour manager. Little Ivan, I've always loved him.

I mean, these guys, you know, you go back with the, for so long you watched them grow we watched these other grow I mean the time you came to me you said yeah you know we did me and Gabriel went we watched your movie and shit bro I almost cried that day I got in my car was like Jesus Christ

why would somebody go see a fucking movie I was in you know what I'm saying and the one with the Niro yeah yeah fuck yeah anything that you do anything that you've done we're big fans of Joe idiots we've grown together no dude like the respect that and as a matter of fact listen I just had dinner with Gabriel a couple of days ago

and, you know, he said, make sure you, I told him all was coming on and he said, make sure you give joy, tell him, tell Joy I said what's up, and I'm thinking about him of them. I always hit him up from time to time on Twitter. Yeah. I'm not looking for nothing. I just let them know I'm thinking about you, though. That's it.

And sometimes that's what you need to say. Yeah, that's it. Absolutely. Oh, I want to investigate what the fuck is going on. I'm too old. Right. I got enough on my plan. I got time to worry about your fucking problems.

Right. What's going on with you, my little brother, Lysayette? You're a soldier of death. You know me, dog. I don't put you nowhere where you don't fucking belong. You've been lurking with Uncle Joey for five years now. You're going to be promoted pretty soon. The Capo regime.

You're going to get new responsibilities. You've got to make new moves. You know, you're right there. You've been a fucking soldier. You're never late. You're on time. I can't get you too high because then you come up with stupid ideas, but I got to love you.

You got a lot of heart. For every eight ideas it gives me, he's got one that I won an Academy Award. I'm just too lazy to do. pursuit. That's good, man. That's a thinking guy right there. That's awesome. Well, I see you going on this little tour, man. I'm happy that you're doing this.

So check this out, Joey. I just did a show, it's brand new. I've got a musicians with me. Like, I'm doing a whole different fucking, I got a drummer and a guitar player. You know how we're listening to Morrison earlier? How sometimes Morrison is just talking and there's music. That's the kind of shit I'm doing

right now. Like, I'm, you know, because once we took this break, And I started just meditating and reflecting and just thinking about so much shit that That's important that that I evolved into you know because we shit you think about the man you are today versus the man you were just ten years ago I mean that's that's night and day our revolutions you know and so when once you start looking at shit in In a in a fucking way where you know I think I just got to a point joy where everything all of a sudden just just like hit a place where fuck it you know like

I think it's it's it's times that like you just got to like take the the blinders off and say fuck it stop pretending about shit you know there's way too much shit that that that I feel I've been lied to as a human being you know and and that it's you know that there's expectations of what should happen. You know, there's, there's these, like, if you're not married and have kids and buy a fucking house and get in debt, you know, you failed as a human, you know, in a lot of people's fucking eyes. And that's bullshit.

There's a lot of people that find themselves in that position and are like, what the fuck? I followed the rules. I did everything I was supposed to fucking do. And, and why am I not happy? Why do I need fucking Xanax? Why I need this? People aren't honest about what they want and who they like.

Or what they want or what they want to do a knife. I think we've been brainwashed to follow a formula, Joey. No, no, no. The problem is, Martin. Listen, how long does it take to really realize what the fuck do you want to do as a human being? Oof. A lifetime. Okay, it takes.

It's a constant of fucking evolution. This is the gift of life. Yes. That every day you learn something a little more, you get a little more patience. Yes. And you fucking find the way to deal with stuff. You know, when you're 22, somebody gives you the finger, you jump out of the car, you throw a bottle of them.

When you're 54, you go to Starbucks, you get a flat white. You need a pot cookie, and you fucking go home and mind your business. It all comes through wisdom and shit like this. You know, it's just, you know, I have a lot of conversations about the tours with people. Like, Joey, we feel you should know, no, no. I can't, this is what I could do. the third week of me being on the road,

I'm going to be faking the funk and people are going to know it. You follow what I'm saying to you? I feel comfortable doing the road two weekends a month. That's what I'm good for. Anything after that, I'm just going to be faking the funk.

I'm going to be thinking about my family, why I did it. Two weeks a month is fine for Uncle Joey. You know, you could do what you could do, brother. I love to be able to be like Gabriel and go out every week. I can't know more. I just can't do it.

And part of me doesn't want to do it. It's a lot of work. It's a guy. It's a lot of sacrifice. And after a certain point, it's the law diminishing returns, which I'm a very firm believer in. The law of diminishing returns always comes back to collect.

So everything is, you can't eat 22 fucking egg salad sandwiches a week. But you can eat four of them. Because on those four days, you're going to work out. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, it's the same thing. For me on the road, yeah, I'd love to go on the road Thursday, for Saturday, small fucking theaters.

It's a lot of Twitter and a lot of Facebook and I'd have to get a publicist. That's a ton of emails. You know how much I want emails? I don't. Unless you've got a bona fide fucking job for me. Once you start asking me creepy questions on email, that's the new relationship goes to sour. That's what it goes to sour. But see, it's beautiful that you know exactly what the fuck you want.

But what's even more important is. and joy is that you're at an age where you're mature enough to say that. Because, you know, when you're young and, you know, let's face it, when Gabe blew up, he was a 20-year-old kid. And then he went fucking full force for the last 20 fucking years. So, yeah, that's, you're going to achieve a huge level of success. And he worked his ass off for those 20 fucking years. I got on stage the first time, June of 1991, until this day.

The question that comes to my mind at least once a week is what made me go down there? What made me pick that fate? And then you gotta remember I fucked around for two years. And then after two years, I said, you know what, this is what I'm gonna do? This is how I'm gonna do it. I'm going for it. And I went for it.

I sat tight in Colorado for 18 months. It was going downhill. And I said, you know what? I gotta go from my dream. man, you know what? At that time, I got a lie to you. My dream was just to survive. Just to survive.

Get over this pain from this fucking divorce and do jokes on stage and somebody will give me $75 a night. Are you fucking kidding me? And nobody knows nothing. I don't have to pay taxes on this. I'm going to do dick. I'm just going to let.

I got myself this little Nissan fucking, this, uh, was it a Nissan? A Dotson. a Dotson, Martine Marino and I fit everything I had I could be in a car so I was never bored and if something ever happened that was always covered

from a thing of water to a blanket to a frisbee to a football to a basketball to a pillow to an extra blanket to irradiated repair to a spare tire to a spare spare spare spare tire to an air pump if something was going to happen

I was going to be prepared Put a fucking pipe across the room so I can use it as a weapon. Also, it's a hang. I hang my clothes. Also as a cover, if I wanted to sleep in my car, in some hotel lot, you know. You're prepared to survive. Yeah, no, that's it. I got that car.

And I had this weird dream that I wasn't going to do movies because of my past and who I was. And because of my character at the time that I would never be too good to do movies. Nothing like that. that the only thing I could possibly do was stand-up. L.A. L.A. between you and I was never in my future plans when I got into comedy.

Not by a long shot. I thought I was going to be a Hammondaga through life and I was going to be a Hammondaga comic. When he uses that line in Rocky, it kills my soul because that's what I thought I was as a comedian.

A Hammondegger. A Hammondega. We know plenty of Havineggas. And that's a great, that's a horrible label to get put up.

But it's the truth. That's what you are. You were a Hamanegger dog. You had a show, you relied on it. The show went under. You never relied on a fan base. You never relied on your people.

You don't know. It just came to you because you were special. It happens. It happened in this career. And from that, it teaches you how to do it again. Most people fail, in this career. For example, I use them constantly. Tom Rhodes and Margaret Cho.

And what's his name? The kid who killed himself and the whole Tyrol will die. God bless his whole. Gerard, what's his name? The Spanish kid from New York. Oh, freaking Freddy Prince. No.

Oh, fuck, Freddy Prince. Giraldo. Giraldo. Giraldo. Oh, Gerardo, yes. They all had TV shows that were all plotted. to see if the comic genre would work.

And when the numbers went out, they pulled the fucking plug on all three on our shows because they were looking for the next Roxanne. Roseanne, they were looking for the next Tim Allen. When the motto didn't fit, they pulled the plug that those guys

tucked their, 60% of comics would have tucked their tails between their legs, moved back home, done local comedy or done radio comedy, and been terrified and furious in Hollywood. I always give extra props to fucking Geraldo, God rest of soul, Margaret Cho, and Tom Rhodes. I've had Tom Rhodes on his podcast various times. And the respect I have for him is because of that.

Because he took a defeat that between you and I has met, Lee, I'm telling you, I don't think I can handle. Wow. If I had a TV show for three years, after the first year, your ego grows a little bit, but it's not stern. because you just got a second year that don't mean dick once you get the third year you start talking shit dog you start looking at houses

wow you start looking at your wife and shit and say look at this broke ass bitch I had two kids it's time to get a new one I'll keep her around to raise the kids and I'll get myself a fresh freak put her up on a pad

and get her a car nobody knows nothing you know, I don't even know what my point is. No, you're talking about Tom Rhodes. About Tom Rhodes, yeah. You know, to the money that's gone. Yeah. But Tom kept doing comedy. Margaret is better than that,

but Tom is better than ever. When I really thought about quitting comedy, six months, I made a promise to myself that I was going to go see every headliner in Irvine and just dress up and pay for the ticket and not say anything. I would always go. once the show started

by the time the feature act was getting off and I would sit there and I think I watched six headliders in a week all different styles but one of the best guys I watched in those six weeks was Greg Herald though I learned a lot from him. It was a freaking genius it was very great to watch

so my point is that all that defeat shit is what you do with it you know I thought in the first ten years I was here Jesus Christ I heard more nose than fucking anything dog. I heard no for everything. Little festivals,

big festivals, roles, but then you just learn to deal with the punches and you play the odds. They can't say no forever. Can't say no forever. I was going to these auditions and killed him years ago Martin. But they would say

you know what? We don't think he's experienced enough for that role. That's a, you know, I would go into these roles. You're a bad motherfucker, darling. I just... You're a bad motherfucker. You know, you are a bad Listen, Jeff Gettlin signed me in the summer of 98 after I shot the pilot for CBS. When the pilot didn't get picked up, I was very fortunate at Martin Moreno. This is when if you were a stand-up and you had one credit.

We were looking for a role in a movie or a TV. show. You could talk the cast and director in those days until looking at your three minute tape and reading your headshot and deciding. And that dude, water anyone? I take a water. Please.

I can see Lee's over there fucking sweating his ears. But that dude Jeff Gatlin, with that little resume, the pilot, the Taco Bell commercial and basketball. He got me out for so many things. I wish

I have never recovered those notebooks. I recovered his notebooks from 2000. But the first year that I went out with Jeff Gatlin, and I got no reason to lie about this, I'm not embarrassed because you guys don't know what it's like to go through this shit. I felt in my heart, I was a minor league dude at that time. I'd been doing comedy seven years.

I could headline a fucking C-room, but I didn't really have all the tools to be headlining. I was just up there telling dirty jokes and shitty fucking comics, giggled, and told me I was funny, but I didn't have it. But I could act. To be a good criminal, you got to act. Queen Latif is a good fucking act, you know? And that first, from 98 that I signed with Gettlin to 99.5, Martin,

he would send me out three to four times a week. I'm talking about fucking movies. I'm talking about TV shows, roles that I would look at today and go, how the fuck did he get me out for that? Movies with Travolta, movies with the first one with Will Smith and the fucking guy, The Martian. Men in Black? Men in Black.

I still remember going all the way to producers for one of the roles of Men in Black. It was only two days on Men in Black. I was going to get beat up or kicked the hit with slime or some shit. Rona Cress. was looking for a call If you look at fucking What were you just saying? Men in black.

Look at who casted it. Her name is Rona Cress. I'll never forget. You know how many times I went to that audition? Four fucking times. So in those days, I was going to a... First, I would go to auditions for a year and a half.

And nothing happened, guys. Nothing happened. He even said to me, Joey, what the fuck is going on? And I go, I don't know, Jeff Gatlin. I don't know what the fuck is going on. And I said, fuck it. I bombed at the improv behind Nick DePaolo and Doug Stanhope.

And I said, you know what? I can't have this no more. I got to learn how to do comedy. So I signed myself up for a triple one. Who was it, Rona Cress? Is it casting for Men in Black? Yeah. It says David Rubin and Deborah Zane.

No, it was Rona Cress. or either look at men and black too. Maybe I'm wrong. Who the fuck knows? But I'll never forget Rone and Crescent was at Sony. The back lot, like you gotta go down. Now the front lot where you go into like that,

like the back lot, to be in the back lot of a motherfucker. You gotta know people and shit. You've been around for a long fucking time. Bro, fuck yeah. I remember you gotta go back there. They offered you water. Yeah.

And I read for Men in Black, either the first one or the second one. And I'll never forget that I was like, holy shit, this guy's got me going out. Yeah, it was the second one. The second one, Roll the Cress. Bro, I went out for everything those days. I would get auditions from him and go, Jeff, this ain't me. He would go go in there and read the fucking roll and knock him on their feet.

And then one day I started hitting. One day I started hitting. I booked the show on NBC four episodes, Rick Curry. the whole time my fucking hand was shaking when I booked it but she got mad at me because I told I didn't want to come in and read for this row and she goes why now I go I'm not this guy and she goes who do you know just read the row and she goes well I'm canceling your trip to New York coming back on Monday for producers and I went back Monday I got four episodes

I sweated my mother's gray bro when they said to me hate and this is a thing you didn't want to go out for when they said to me hit your mark I didn't even know what they were talking about. They kept saying, sir, hit your mark. I'm like, what are you saying? Like, just hit your mark. And I'm like, what are you talking about? They're like, sir, step up to that line.

Like, I didn't know anything. I didn't know about action or cut. I knew nothing. Those people were the nicest. Whoever those people were, it was Sydney Portier's daughter and somebody else's kid. And they were the nicest people in the fucking world.

I mean, I'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever, Forget them, Doug. Because they love what you were doing. I didn't even know what I was doing, Martin. But that's a thing. But that's a thing. Martin, I didn't know what I was doing. I was shit in my fucking pants.

I was a fucking plumber who, I was a plumber to the campus. They were all lawyers. And one day I go in the bathroom, episode seven, I go in the bathroom. And I find 200 pounds of weed in the wall. And I tell these law students and they take it out, this was my big break in acting. This was it. Me and Jeff Gettlin won a role at that time.

I booked American Gun with James Coburn. I booked the show with Arliss. I booked the fuck. Then he kept saying to me, Joey, big mafia thing is going to happen. I want you to take, he was very smart. He goes, I want you to take this movie so you have mafia reel. And I did this movie called the Mezzo, about two gay gangsters. Once I did that, he took that reel, and we kept sending it to New York,

and we did analyze, too. it was all Jeff Gatlin, though. He was a genius at that shit. He knew exactly when people were going to... Before this shit started casting, he'd have your tape out. But for a year and a half, I'd eat ass, bro. That's what a lot of people don't know.

That I would have the notebooks, and I'd be depressed. Like, they would say the name of the project, the casting director, role, what the character was, the description, how I was going to read the scenes. I'd have everything. I wrote everything, Martin.

Everything. But you can't have it Well, how are you doing, buddy? You look like I shot you at your chihuahua Look at you I'm doing good I'm out there, but I'm good Yeah, like I said, you guys are truly savages

That's fucking awesome This is what we do on the fucking show, man What are your next couple dates? You know any dates up front? Yep, the seventh The seventh at the Magicopoulers, homie, in Santa Monica Like I said,

it's stand-up comedy But not really stand-up comedy, Joey. I don't want people to be misled because I've been doing comedy for years. It's a lot of things. It's a fucking fusion. Yeah, it's a fusion. You ain't doing nothing.

Where do they go? What's that? Where do they go? They're not doing nothing. What's the name of the website? It's Eventbrite, Martin Moreno. Eventbrite, Martine Moreno. Yeah.

And that's it. And that's it. Go see it. If I know anything about Martin, Martin has grown a lot the last couple years. And I used to see him go up there and do jokes. And, you know, with Gabriel.

Fluffy's a very professional. He wants clean from time to time. If you give him a tequila, he'll tell you to kick up the heat a little bit, just so he can laugh a little bit to see the expression on people's faces. But you have to keep the show of a certain thing. Now that Martina's doing his own thing, you know, I've known Martina a long time. He's a very dirty dude. He was the original organizer.

What was the name of your company? Which one? Susie Productions. What was eating escape or something? No, no, no. Okay. Or what you got? Or what you got?

Cochino wear When you got married one time You paid me one time To do a show at the improv Your wife And you were studying That's right Yeah yeah yeah

Cochino You had models You had models Oh dude it was fucking crazy It was insane You made me do comment Oh come on this You forget

How long was this shit Like 12 fucking 15 years ago This had to be And I remember going to you see No no no no This wasn't That was shit At least 10 years ago

We would have deep conversations In those days Yeah I'm getting men married. This poor fucking guy. Did a bug land

I wonder if it's leaking now? Good, don't worry about it. Yeah, I got married for a while. But I remember I was having conversations like, I think there's no one for me. I was like, Martin, listen, I've been married and divorced and I'm fucking broke.

Don't do it. You're like, I gotta do it. I'm in love, or we were back and forth for a while. You got married, you had to, you started the T-shirt line, Sucia Productions. It's been a long road.

bro. You were married, you were squeezing to my those titties at the same time. I was a lying, fuck. I was cheating. I did, I've cheated my whole life. And, uh, dude,

after a lot of fucking reflection and traveling and seeing the world, I live my life different. I try not to bullshit about anything anymore, Joey. You know, I'm, um,

my, uh, my goal is to fucking just fucking, fucking, too comedy, bro. Yeah, it is.

It's funny. Life is funny. I love doing what I do, man. Yeah. I love going to a town and doing five shows. I feel so fortunate that people showing up to the shows. I try to go up there with the best attitude and the best I can give them. I'm rested.

You know, I don't go up there with fucking notes and, you know. Sometimes I do get high and I'm sorry, but that's part of the fucking show. That's part of the patois, as they say leave. Anyway, Martin, man, I'm happy you came on. It's a pleasure to have you. Thank you so much for having me, Joey. Listen, man, I know it's a holiday fucking. thing. We wanted to put a podcast out on Monday morning

just so you guys would have something maybe to have you drive to the fucking your little barbecue, your little fucking maybe you're going to see the new Will Farrel movie and text Lee later and Until it all of our. Have a safe Fourth of July. Listen, don't forget. Do me a favor of people. Don't fucking forget.

This weekend I'm in Vegas at the South Point. Friday and Saturday. 7.30 show you out of there by 9. You could go over to the MGM and still see Joe Rogan. against 10 o'clock show. Tony Hinchcliffe will do a half hour, Joe go up. So if you get a second, and that's a combination you want to do

and you're going to be in Vegas. That's the way to go. Next weekend, I'm at the fucking St. Louis Helium. Next weekend, back with the brothers and some white dudes. And then two weeks after that,

I'm at the Borgata in Atlanta City on a Saturday night, one show, Bing, bang, boom, Philadelphia, don't sleep. Don't tell me, I didn't tell you, cock-suckers. Anyway, I want to thank Martin

on no website, no nothing. Martin Moreno.com. Okay, now we're talking. Thank God. It took you two hours. You kept telling me Evan Bright. I don't know who the fuck Evan Bright.

No, no, no. Event Pride is where the ticket link is. Jesus Christ. I know. Just go to your website and see what the fuck Martin Moreno's about where he's been and what he's doing. You're recognizing him from Gabriel's show on fucking Comedy Central and from many other things he's done.

Besides that, you know I love you motherfuckers with all my arm, right? I only try to tell you about the best things going on. That's why I talk to you. about on it. That's the real reason I talk to you about that. You think I blow smoke up your ass? You go to my house? You know what I got in my house?

In the fucking cabinet right next to the refrigerator. Two things, the fucking cocoa hemp force. When I got nothing going on, and if I'm hungry, I'll drink a protein shake. If I got something going on, I'm going to Jiu-Jitsu or something. I would drink a protein shake

when I get back with two scoops. I'll carve it up with a half of banana, water, ice cubes. And I'll tell you something. I'll let the fucking hemp force protein shake is tremendous after a workout. I take like 32, 33 grams of protein, which your body can only

assimilate 30 if you're fucking lucky. Go to honor.com right now. Go to the box. Check out the great little supplements they got from AlphaBrain to Shroom Tech to New Mood. They got a great selection. Go check it out. Your life something, I'm going to give you 10% off. All you do is

go to the box and press in. Church. Bam! C-H-U-R. C-H. And now you're fucking running things. understand me. Excuse me. Let me talk to you people about something. These days you can basically practically get everything on the man, like the podcast, like the church. You can listen to whatever you want when it's convenient to you, correct? So why the hell are you still going to the post office and dealing with their limited hours, the long line, the key, you've got to bring it back now.

Now I've got to take a walk around the block to get you think. That da, da, da, da, da. You get postage demand right now with stamps.com. Anything you could do at the post office, you could do right from your desk. Again, right from your desk with stamps.com. Buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter of package using your own computer and printer. And unlike the post office, stamp.com never closes. So you can get postage whenever you need it 24-7. Listen, I've used stamp.com before Lee has had it.

My wife used to sell out there. I mean, listen, my wife loves it, okay? You got to send them packages out, t-shirts for the show, whatever. Stamps.com is the way to go. Listen, I don't care who's out there, what you can do. Stamps.com is the way to go. Now, right now, use my name, Joey, J-O-E-Y for the special offer. Four-week trial I'm going to give you.

And it includes posters and ready for this? A digital scale. That's how I roll. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else, before you go to the bathroom, before you go to the chocolate milk, go to stamps.com, click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage

and type in Joey, J-O-E-Y. It's that simple. That's stamps.com. Enter joey. Again, stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. No bueno, no. good. You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. You don't want to know nothing.

And that's the way this show ends. I love you, motherfuckers. From the bottom of my heart. Don't forget about me. Friday, Saturday, South Point, 7.30. I'll have you out of there by fucking nine. Next weekend's helium south point. Who's better than you and me? Nobody. To all my brothers in the fucking struggle, I'll see you there. And if not, two weeks from now, Philadelphia, Camden, Pensauken, uh, Guitabar. I'll see you at the Barrow. I'll see you at the Bogota, cocksuckers. Have a great Fourth of July.

You know me, though. You can play with a fucking firecrackers. Just keep them away from the fucking kids, all right? And keep them away from the animals. Don't be a fucking scumbagmack. Have a great quarter of July with your family. Stay black. I love you.

Thanks again to martinemerino.com. Who the fucking think you deal with you? What do you think you deal with?