The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #497 - Eddie Ifft

Episode Date: July 10, 2017

Eddie Ifft, comedian seen on Comedy Central and heard as the host of "The Bingle Show" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   LendingTree - Find out how much you can save TODAY at LendingTree.com/CHURCH   Five Four Club - Go To Fivefourclub.com and use Promo code JOEY for 50% of your first month's package plus a free pair of sunglasses.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/10/2017.
  

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Give me some lovely. Kick that meal, cocksucker. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Monday, July 10th. The church of what's happening now. Eddie Yiff. Lee Syatt. Are you fucking kidding me?

You could jump out the window at any time right now. If you're in your car, open up that door and just jump out of the car, because it ain't going to get no better than this, Cossackers. Here we go. Go, Lee. Here we go. Kick that mule, motherfucker, motherfucker. Hit it. Oh,

The church or what's happened now, cock suckers. Hit it, Lee. Boil for a blue. Are you fucking getting me or what? Bust out that fucking number. Here we go. Oh, shit. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey. Elise Ayat, my main man, Eddie Ift, is on the show this evening.

How are you, my friend? I'm doing great. Thanks for having me. Thanks for having you on last night. For you people who want to ask, listen, last night podcast was fucking hilarious. You know, listen, when people tell you don't touch the edibles, don't touch the edibles. Don't touch the edibles. All right. It's like when you go to the zoo, they tell you don't fuck with the lions. When you come to this desk, don't fuck with the edibles unless you have good intentions.

I was so good. Paulie Shaw found that out the hardware last night. He called this morning. He said he puked. He had to pull over. times with a fucking nightmare. He puked on his sandals. I was so scared when I came in here.

No, no. This is like a vapor in here. Because I read, you know, Twitter, you don't see anybody's tweets anymore because you've got so many people. All of a sudden I see a tweet from you that says, RIP, Polly Shore. And I went, oh, fuck, like, Pauly Shore died. And so I start, like, I go over to the news to see what they're going to be saying in the news.

And I'm like, oh, Polly's dead. and I'm like, holy fuck. And then I look at other comedians. I'm like, it hasn't even gotten to the news yet. Like, Joey, he's got the inside track. And Polly died. So then I started thinking, I'm like, I felt really bad because Polly and I weren't close. We didn't get along.

And I'm talking about him like, he's dead now. And we didn't get along. And we got in this, like, argument, like, years ago. And I remember when we got in the argument, this is like 15 years ago. He goes, you're never going to play my mom. comedy club ever ever ever and i swear i got i headline for the first time the comedy store in san diego this week it was my first time working there and i'm thinking i killed paul he found that yeah yeah and he was just like fuck it i'm going to joey dyes and die and i really thought he died and i said to my

wife i'm like i think polly sure died and uh and it was like and then i just looked to everyone else and then i saw all your comments and your fans like oh Don't eat the black stars. Oh my God. Poor Paulie. Felicia called this morning. Michael's asking me what happened. She was laughing.

How many? Oh, she thought he died too? Yeah. And then she read it. And then she saw some of the comments like you and she knew what it meant when the red stars got them, you know, the fucking star. Oh, did it have red stars or black ones? Last night he had a blue one.

Oh. Those red ones, the blood ones, we're out of them. We're out of them until next week. Thank God. The purple ones. Yeah. The purple ones. I listened to you once and it was like an education.

I got on edibles because I'm not good with them at all. Like I've had a really, really bad time. It started out good, and I wish it had stayed that way, because I really enjoyed it the first time I did it. Second time, loved it. Third time, maybe the worst 24 hours of my life. Yeah, it's taking a weird direction. Eight hours, made or ten hours.

You got to get back on the meal. Yeah, as a kid, like with alcohol, I would be fucking hugging the ball, puking, thinking it was never going to end. I'm a puky. But I could get back on the meal the next day. But with weed, you fuck with my head. I thought I went crazy.

And I thought I wasn't coming back. I got a niece that took one of those stars when I had a Fitbit on. Oh, like the exercise thing. And she saw her heart rate go up to like where it only goes when you work out. Oh, that would make it get even worse. She fucking didn't do them for like a year either. She's like, that's terrible. It got in her head.

She wants it gets in your head. is the problem. Yeah, it happens to me. Once it gets in your head, that's the problem. That's what was happening. That's why yesterday I went to the store and I got a Rice, Krispy Treat. I almost ate it and I got to go to Jiu-Jitsu. I take one of those edibles and go to Jiu-Jitsu.

It's not the same. It's a real unpleasant situation. If somebody gets on top of you, it's fucking crazy, you know. Oh, yeah, you get paranoid. It's really funny about what I'm going to tell you guys, and I've told you a thousand times, you know. Listen, I had that. college, I don't fucking know.

I got left back in the seventh grade. I'm not... But anything I do know is because I did it and did it over. You know, I guess... What was it? Yesterday, I'm the wheat store. We're talking about micrododacid. There was an older black woman there that was from Jersey from East Orange,

and she was talking about micrododot acid, you know. And I laughed because people sent me clips of Joe Rogan and Tom Segora and other comics saying how high my tolerance is. They think you're born with that. I freaked out. The reason why my tolerance is high is because I've been a dumpster all my life for drugs. I'm ashamed to admit that. A drug dumpster?

I've been a drug dumpster all my life. I'm ashamed that I laughed at it. No, no, no, no, no. It's the truth. This is what you get for fucking being an asshole. People laugh at you. When you're an asshole, people laugh at you. And when you admit you're an asshole, you have to take the laughter for admitting you're a fucking asshole.

I'm a garbage dumpster. You know, and I feel bad for Lee, but I'm trying to. When Lee eats these edibles, I'm not trying to fuck with Lee. A little bit, like 10%. Listen, man, this podcast is about one thing, not believing the hype. No, Joey, I want the listeners never to believe what they're telling you. It's like, when we go to airports, I don't give a fuck with I got a coach ticket. I go on the first line ticket, first class line ticket.

That's just the way of this. And by the way, he does this with me or without me, but he does this at 5 a.m., as high as he is right. Right now. I get stoned to the gills. Like he's going to break the law. I tell people, this podcast is about believing in this self and not believing the bullshit. Okay? Because I look at people.

Since I was a kid, I've listened to people. I've said, this guy is this guy retarded? Like when I was a kid, my mom had a bar, so there'd be drugs all around. And I'd see people snorting coke. So for years, I'd have to go out and listen to people, talk about cocaine. And I never raised my hand. I never said like, they'd go, what do you know about? I don't know nothing.

Meanwhile, I'd see people snort and stuff. As I got older, you know, I smoked weed, and I snorted that fucking THC crystal, which was angel dust. I did acid for fucking 18 months. I was doing it five days a week. Wow. You know, I was taking two or three hits a night, smoking it. You know, we didn't do mushrooms.

How did you smoke acid? We just put it in a bowl. And it does? It works? Yeah, like a little fucking microdododot put in the bowl. Let's get Vinny Gar Julo to talk about the fucking sex sophomore yes. I bumped into three in the morning. He bought three hits and he put one in the pipe.

What are he doing? Oh, I didn't know you could do that. You could do that then. They were just chemicals, you know. Your lungs are shot. God knows what goes into your lungs. How's Vinny today? Is he okay?

He's blinking from time to time. I don't know. I haven't seen him. He's a big time. But it's just funny how, like I've done everything. So I can't. I don't believe people and they go, well, you can't do this.

You know, unless I'm like Keith Richards Jr. Yeah, I think that too. I read about some people, but there are those people that one time and then they'll, you know, like, lose it. I just think that there are people, like, when I was younger, I could drink anything, everything. I never really got into the drug thing other than smoking a little weed, but I just couldn't do it. And I loved alcohol. I loved it.

I wanted to get drunk every day, but I wanted events. I liked events, you know, like, what are we going to do today? Let's go for a hike in the woods. We'll bring about all Jack Daniels. Let's go to a baseball game. We'll buy beers, and then we'll drink more beers, and we'll juice, shots, you know, it was always like more, more, more. But I don't know why I stayed away from the drugs.

How old are you when you started drinking? 15. You're from Pittsburgh. Yeah. You got to drink. It's the culture, yeah. Maybe that's what it was. How much has Pittsburgh changed the last time?

So much. In the last like five years. It's a break yard. Yes and no. Yes and no. Hit me. It's weird. I'm not a real Pittsburgh.

I grew up in the suburbs. Okay. And they look at me like, you fucking rich faggot. You know, like. They didn't, I'm not accepted in Pittsburgh. Do I love Pittsburgh? Yes. Do I have Pittsburgh any of me? Like my dad grew up in Bloomfield. My mom grew up in Squirrel Hill. Like my whole family was in Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh sports. But my dad was an insurance salesman, made some money, moved out to the suburbs. Not a lot of money, but like enough that two cars in a house,

you know, kind of thing. Like, and, you know, if you're not a steel worker and you're not like from the mill and they just, even the girls want nothing to do with you. They look at the kids from the suburbs. And Pittsburgh has hot, hot, like, lower middle class, skanky girls. Like, beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.

Like, the kind you go, I'm going to get some money someday. And I'm going to come, you know, pull her out of here because she's prettier than any girl out at any fucking country club anywhere. And you just pop this chick in and they'll all be like, where the fuck did you find her? And you just dress her. And they're scant. But they want nothing to do with any guy that doesn't, you know, working like blue collar fucking, you know, guy. And so, you know, I'd go out when I was in my 20s.

I'd go to, like, the nightclub nightclubs and think I couldn't fucking go. I couldn't go up against those dudes, you know. They're all fucking jacked and, you know, they got tickets in the end zone to the Steeler games. it was it was uh it's like two different it's kind of like uh what other city i see is like that it's just somewhere that's just like that is it everyone on the east coast that is it's a certain mentality and it's a blue collar mentality and sometimes i sit here and i go wow i would like to quite comedy excuse me at least do five years of that lifestyle like there's times i'm out of my mind.

Of the blue-collar lifestyle? You know, I think of my brother-in-law. My brother-in-law works 70 hours a week, double shifts, you know, or two kids a house, you know. He works fucking constantly. And I can't, I always, whenever I feel down on comedy or down on what's going on, I think of him. Yeah.

And I think of the decision I made, you know, to pursue this and stick with it. And now my family's eating. you know for 10 years we ate but we ate weird and now we're eating you know and ups and downs and it's based on belief but it's so weird that there's times i i love thinking i love getting high at night and thinking about my life what could have happened what could have been and what the difference is and i'm kind of mad at myself why a little bit but not really i'm mad at myself for leaving at times. Like I see my buddies now

on Facebook this 12 of them at a fucking golf tournament. Do I play golf? I wouldn't fucking play golf if you fucking paid. So boring. You know, that's the community I came from. Here,

you're a comic, but I don't even see comedians in my weekly journey unless it's a comedy story, you know what I'm saying? It was a different type of friendship, those suburb friendships. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I agree with you.

That's, so 20% of me, I'm like, Jesus Christ, right now I could have been living in North Bergen. It could have been maybe making 75 grand a year, you know. You take one vacation to Miami. Yeah. You take one big vacation to A.C., you know. Because that's how we do it. We got to go to A.C. Eat some crabbeats, right, honey?

Yeah. We're living like doctors. I love how Miami is just a little vacation, but A.C. A.C. is the big one. You get the white shoes out. You tip a little extra You know That's your whole year

Like you save up for that Like I was watching the honeymooners last night And they were part of the raccoons And they go to a raccoon convention Once a year I'm jealous of those people I'm jealous of them for sure There's a different

There's an attraction to that lifestyle That At times I go What the fuck did I do What the fuck? Look at these people I talk to people with no souls People who just go from train

To train to train Until they find the red fuck train. And when that train crashes, they find another 28-year-old, and they wrangle 10 of those guys, and then they start all over again. And they do that three times in their lifetime.

I'm probably about agents and managers and the whole fucking thing. You know, you could be here for 30 years, not sell the ticket and be the funniest guy in the world, sell three tickets, and all of a sudden they all love you. They're jumping out of the woodwork. They're not comedy clubs anymore.

They're popular clubs. They're popular club. I don't, you know, I miss. There's all those little things. Like this time I said, I think, oh, Jesus Christ,

you know, I never went to none in my high school reunions, you know. Lees has been talking lately about going to his 10-year reunion. It sucks, don't go. Is he in here?

The ticket's $700 fucking dollars. What? No, no. To go back to Boston. Yes, 600. For the plane ticket. It's not worth it. $600 to Boston.

Thanksgiving weekend. He kills it two birds at one stone. He sees his mom. Oh, do it for mom. Do it for mom. Listen, my mom's just didn't. But I'll tell you what,

I thought about it. I got to tell you something. If you go there and look around, you might just be depressed. I take the chance. Lee, let me tell you, I went to my high school reunion, and I was really excited, and it was like my 20th or something, and I was so excited. I was like, this is fucking amazing.

And I'm still keeping touch with a lot of my friends. So we were all talking about, we were all looking forward to it. The night before our high school reunion, my one friend had a party at her house, and it was just like high school. People were drinking beer bongs, people were doing kids, peg stands. It just got fucking like, it was just like high school. And we were having the best time. We were all fucking making fun of each other like we did and, you know, giving Pete Ream

a wedgie or whatever it was. And we had the best time. And then we're like, all right, tomorrow is the big night. And we went to this pool and we all swam the next day and had a barbecue. We were all together all my friends. And then we went to the reunion where the whole school comes. And it sucked. Because I was around a bunch of people that I didn't want to be around and all my friends that I was with the day of the night before I was like hey we should get out of here and go back to like so-and-so's house you know party and it was like high school again you're in your little click you got your group of friends their group of everybody went off in their group of friends and you realized I never liked you in high school that's why I moved

out of this fucking label I got my friends and so I said all my friends why do we even fucking go to that thing and pay we should have just got had a party and hung out yeah you know what i had like one really good friend through high school they'd call him and go see him yeah that's and i should go not for thanksgiving because i like i don't want to be a bummer but and i when i say this when i say bully i don't want to it's not like the kids now were killing themselves and it like it wasn't like that but i just never really felt like i fit in i don't know like i always i always wanted to go to those parties and i don't know like i was chubby so like People will, like, I could make people laugh, but it wasn't.

I never really felt like, but then I'm an idiot. Like, I would sit at home some weekends, be like, no one's calling me to hang out, and I wouldn't call anyone to hang out. So I'm like, maybe I should just call someone stupid. But, like, part of me thinking of going back is, like, why, like, I don't keep in touch with any of them. Yeah. And they weren't, it wasn't like we were best friends 10 years ago.

So maybe I, yeah, maybe I should just call that one guy and be like, yeah, let's just go hang out for a weekend. That's my philosophy in this business. So much better idea. There's so many clicks and people won't let you in. I just go like this. Go where you're wanted. Go away from where you're not wanted.

Right, yeah. People that don't like you are just never going to help you or do anything with you or create anything. But so just work with the people who do. It's funny how when I go to Pittsburgh, I like it. Yeah. I like it. I like the people. It's good Chinese food.

Good Chinese food delivery. When I used to work, the fucking funny bone for the creepy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the Panic brothers. Yeah. They finally closed up when they're done. I was right there when it was happening. I was involved in it.

It was terrible. I was one of the last locals to pull the plug on them and go over to the improv, and he held it against me. And they had me come up as the first club I ever worked, open mic, first club I ever stepped in 1996, and Jeff and Keith Schneider. And I liked the guys. and but he just

he was mad when I went over the improv but they just you know he wouldn't ever up my money and I felt bad I felt bad because I like that club look I like the improvs I work for a lot of them but that funny bone was kind of cool

it was around forever and it was really cool the first weekend I worked up there it was really cool and I went back did you work then which room did you work the balcony one I don't know the one before he closed

was it by the in-club 2005 oh no then you were at the new one 2006 and like 2008 that's a big room then okay so 2005 I went out to the longest yard and it was cool then a year later he called me again and I went back this time I took a red eye it sucked dick yeah that's a duck a red eye connection to Pittsburgh oh that's all there was that When you were living out here, yeah, holy shit. Oh, it sucked dick. And I took a fucking edible from,

from fucking, the Cush Mart. They used to have a 250 milligram brownie. That was like huge. Can you please keep me up because I don't get the milligrams? The milligram. 250 at that time in 2008, that was fucking dangerous. Like, and now it's nothing.

How many milligrams would you get smoking one joint? I don't know. I don't know. Oh, you don't know. Oh, you don't know. shit, no, no, no, I don't know nothing. But I know that a guy like you, you eat 10 milligrams, you're going to feel it. Really?

And then you'll work yourself up through time, you know? Yeah. You're a thin guy. There's no other fat on you. That's why they only sell 10 milligram doses at these places. Okay. Because that's where you can handle 10. How many milligrams do you have before we started the show?

Tonight? Yeah. Who the fuck? Who's counting? I gotta know. I have. You saw me. I put a, there was one ball that was four of them that tasted like ass,

tastes it like blue ass. It looked like the end of a movie. And I didn't know what I could do, Lee. I was like caught like this, like, I just said, fucking go for the swallow. Oh, how do you? And they had to be four or five in that chunk. And then I blew like threes, chunks of threes. They ate two of those things.

It's nothing to, you're close to 2000. Yeah, we're close. Wow. But now for a race. And I could do ten. You could do ten. Now, at that time there, I ate the whole brownie like a fucking guy. phone and my leg wouldn't stop.

There's sometimes edibles backfire. If I've been on 200 flights, they've backfired four times. Miami once, Pittsburgh once. That's where I had a bad experience on a plane.

Chicago one time on the way back from Midway on a plane on edible. Yeah, 200 flights, three experiences that I remember that were a little coom si-cum-sah. This last time I put a song on, this is the weirdest anxiety attack

I ever got. This was maybe four weeks ago. Oh, this just happened? This is the last one that just happened. That wasn't a bad one, and I handled it. Fucking beautifully. I handled it beautifully.

The one freak out was the sweaty one on Ordway. When I waited about 380, I ate the whole pack of the fucking stickers. And on the way back, it's when Southwest had the chairs that faced each other. Some across, three grandmothers.

I'm sweating profusiously. I finally just take off my shirt. That was the first time with Gabriel and Martine Moreno. Then there was another time. Another time on the way to Miami on the red eye, freaked. That time I fucking got off the plane.

I went to get the ride and I went to pull my pants up. Two inches of my pants with drenched and sweat. Was that the cinnamon candy one? That's when I ate the edibles and they had a whole pack of cinnamon certs. the cinnamon my must igniteed something. There was this gay guy next to me with leopard goggles

with a blanket. I'm sitting there four in the morning. No shirt on. With the blanket up to here. I love that you take your shirt off. I would be taking pictures of you. If you upgrade me on a first class ticket, I'm taking my shit. That's my fucking mom.

You're like Burt Kreischer but on planes? That's hilarious. So two times. I took my shirt off. That was three times I freaked out. The time with the tits, the time that one.

And the time to Pittsburgh was the red eye, the last two hours of that flight, my leg wouldn't stop tapping. After about 30 minutes, I was ready to ring the bell and tell you gotta get me off this flight, my leg won't stop tapping.

I didn't have the boss to ring the bell. Finally, we landed, and I walked with a limp, like my leg went dead. Something happened with a fucking edible. Pretend about four weeks ago.

I took a plane with somebody. Who the fuck did I take the plane with? I took the plane with somebody. We sat apart on Southwest and I told my wife to download some music from me. I gave her a list. I went through a bunch of albums I hadn't heard. And there was just one particular album

that I used to listen to every night with a friend of mine we would be driving around snorting. And it was 1983 and we listened to it. He was heartbroken over a bitch. I was heartbroken over a bitch. I knew I was leaving New Jersey. I was just waiting

to rob the right person. That's all I was waiting on was the right drug choice, the right drug dealer. And I got a hold of a loan shark. He fucking served the purpose. I got him for a couple grand. I got this other guy for a couple grand. And we just listened to this song. And that day, I got on Southwest. As soon as I sat down, the edible started hitting me.

And I'm like, let me put my earphones on. I put the fucking earphones on. I put this album on and I'm just listening to this album from 1983 free form I just put it on it wherever song I forgot what songs around it I forgot everything

by like the fifth song that was a song that just took me Eddie Hips, it just took my anxiety to a different level that must have had something at stake with this song like something it triggered something it fucking triggered me on this plane

so much I had to take the earphones and throw them off me And I looked for the fucking stewardess. I was breathing heavy. I asked her for a fucking water and I popped the fucking Xanax. Does Zanx help? Really? Not really.

Those things don't do dig for me. Those 2.5s, I got to eat like six of them. I got on a plane once. I did a gig one night and it was in Australia. It's my first trip ever. I go to Australia a lot. And I think my first time I ever went was like around like 2005 or something. Maybe 2000.

Yeah, 2005. And I went over to do a show. I went to this small town called Adelaide. And the first night I went, and it was awesome. The crowd was great. And everybody was laughing. And it was really fun. And I partied with everyone.

And then they said, you're here for three nights. And we went to another gig the next night. And I look around and the audience is all the same people that was at the first show. And I go, this is kind of weird. You know, all the same people. I partied with them all last night. And they go, yeah, yeah. So I was like, I got another hour in me.

You know, I can do two. So I just did an hour. I was like, okay. And they were big into weed in Adelaide. They love their weed and they're proud of their weed. I go to the third night, same fucking people. And I don't have more than two hours of material at that time. And I got to do like a mix.

And I go, fuck, what am I going to do? And I'm watching all the comics, the openers, go up. And I'm like, I'm out of shit. These are all the same people. I can't do my same act. It's weird. So this girl had had a, She makes pot brownies.

Her name's Fred. She wouldn't care if I told her name. She's famous from them. She gets everybody sick on them. They eat too much. They get sick. If you ever go to Adelaide, I'll hook you up with Fred or London. She lives in both.

But she makes these pot cookies, these pot brownies. Forget if it was a cookie. So we're sitting in the audience and I look at her and I go, give me the cookie. And she goes, no fucking way. The booker will kill me. I go, I'll be fine. Just give me the cookie. because all my opening is

it'll get me so high. You just go off. I'll go off. And I'll have a whole new bunch of material. So I eat the cookie. And I start fucking laughing. Like I've never laughed. And these comics are on stage.

And they're shushing me. Because I'm laughing so hard. I'm like, this is hilarious. And I've got a friend down there. It's a guy named Big Al. When he laughs, you laugh. He's got that laugh. You know, that laugh that just no one has.

He's real big dude. Like fat dude. and he has a high-pitched laugh. And when he goes... It's contagious. So I'm losing it. And then I went on stage, and I did like three hours. And I got off stage, and I go, how's the show?

And they're like, it was good. And I'm like, how long did I do? And they're like, three hours. And I go, it was good? I go, did I do... It was all kind of original shit. And they go, and they go, yeah, you talked about them, like some razor, like a Mach 3 turbo or something.

They go, you talked about it for like. an hour. Yeah, that's what you do. They go, we don't even have that race. You know, it's funny, whenever I take out of bulls and go on stage on the road where it matters, it's like me going on stage years ago. It's a 50-50 shot. But one thing always stays clear.

Your relaxation level is really good until the panic. Until the... until the panic attack starts. Well, no, no, no, no. There's this weird thing that you just get it. When you feel the edible creeping on, it's when you do acid. When you do a drug like that, not like Coke. Coke hits you right away.

H hits you right away. It's like when you do ecstasy or do some type of acid, and you're waiting for it to hit you. When it hits you for those first two minutes, you know you're there. And that's what happens to me sometimes on stage. When the stage, when you hit the stage, It does something completely different to the other because the lights hit you. And you have eyeballs looking at you.

So that fear mixes it the adrenaline. And you can either go one way or either go a different direction. I've gone on stage on mushrooms one time. Oh, God. And that was pretty good. Cocaine, that don't work for nobody. Really? Even the after effect of cocaine.

Because it throws your timing off? It throws your timing off. It takes your soul away. So you can't put your material into your heart. You're a mannequin. You're just a mannequin with a tape recorder. Okay. And you feel it on stage.

But I think, and I don't know, I don't have any experience with it, but I would think what I've heard is it gives you this fake confidence. And sometimes I feel like my issue on stage is like sometimes I'm fully confident. And then other times I, I analyze the audience too much. Right. That's what I'll kill you. And I'll go, you know, she's an older woman. And this is.

No, you're dead. They used to do that for years. I'll kill you. Yeah. And so I feel like with cocaine, I would get up there and just. I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. This is what I find funny, and I'm going to do it right now. No.

Really? It was a really bad experience. I was net, listen, I'm not good at two things. I'm not good at talking when I'm on cocaine, and I'm not good with alcohol. If I have a drink, like I'm not a fighter or an arguer or one of those guys, I'm just not good. Like, if I'm driving the car and I have one beer, and it's been two hours ago, and the cop pulls me over, I'll lose it. Really? Yeah.

I don't know. Why? Because I'm guilty. Yeah. I know myself, I should not drink and dry. So my guilt, that's why I don't do it. Yeah. I drank two beers a night in Vegas this weekend. That's like I told my wife, that's like a world record.

Yeah. I'm lying to you. The one night I drank a beer and a half. That's still a world record for me. Anything after a beer is a world record for me. The one that I left this much at the card, when we were playing cards, I put the beer down. I forgot it was warm. That's the only reason why I left three inches.

I'm not proud of it, but probably from the age of 16 till maybe 32, 33, I was a hardcore drunk driver. And I'm not proud of it at all. But I did it like, I don't know why. I didn't think there was any chance of failure. Blackouts, anything weird? No, I never black. No, I always felt fully under control to the point of like, and it's not true, but I felt better like I was switched on. Like I was like and no accidents, no anything, thank God, you know, and I think it's terrible because I could have killed somebody.

But I do feel like it had a different effect on me. Now, now I don't do it and I can't do it because I have two drinks and I want to take a nap. And when I'm driving home, sober, I'm falling asleep. So on alcohol, I'm like, don't get me near a car. I've slept in my, I went out with a tell one night. I ended up sleeping in the back of my car in front of the eat. prop they found me in the morning like I wouldn't drive

this was like years ago before tell quit and I would I just won't do it now I don't drunk drive I just never ever it scared the fuck out of me yeah and I'd see I saw the effect of it you can kill somebody too easy and then I saw

how fucked up they got towards it like at one time not that they were lenient towards drunk driving but it wasn't an issue. Yeah. Now it's a fucking issue. It's an issue.

You got to ride a bus for six months. Yeah. You got to get special insurance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to take classes. They'll put a fucking phone. You go to jail. They'll put you in jail.

You got to put a phone in your car and breathe through it just in case fucking something happens. I mean, it really, really is like, I wouldn't wish on anybody. Did you ever hear the Jim Florentine joke about it? No. Jim has a joke about how the old days you used to get pulled over for drinking driving and the cops would be like get in the back will drive you

up and then you'd be like can you pick up another six back on the way home and the cops be like all right it was let me tell you something in the fucking late 70s and 80s where where there was a it started to become aware like in the late 70s

79 80 there weren't ads yet but people were talking you know three kids got drunk on the prom yeah got killed yeah so So people started talking. And I just, I saw an accident one night, and then I just, I just knew. There was something about it that didn't work for me.

Like, it just didn't work for me, drunk driving. And then I saw what they laid on people. And it's not worth it. I just saw the fines. And it just, somebody told me, like, somebody told me California, I think a DUI is like going to end up costing, you know, like 20 grand or something that's head and done. And I was like, I don't want to fucking pay 20 grand for anything. No, no. I don't have weed in my car.

I'm a potette. Yeah. I don't have weed in my car. I don't smoke weed in my car. And I don't fucking, like, when I go to the store during the week at night, I don't fucking do edibles. Like, I just drive down there. Yeah.

I don't drink when I'm there. When I'm down there, sometimes I'll smoke and join. Yeah. But besides that, by 6 o'clock, I'm done for the night. I do this for the podcast because Lee and I get high, but no. When I'm driving at night, no, no, no. Because I can't lose my driving, right? Yeah.

And it fucks you up? Yeah. I can't lose you up. that people don't realize like you can't leave the country some some countries won't let you in if you have that on your record or there's there's weird kind of shit and i just like especially when i'm in other countries never ever we gotten i went to the middle east to do shows we were doing Dubai and uh we left the venue with beers in our hands out to the van we got a call the next day like don't ever fucking do that again you were just drinking in public in the middle east like that will get you thrown in prison we're like Really? And they were like, yeah, and you swore around women. We had a woman like guide that was taking us around, and apparently she like informed on us for cursing.

These guys put a hijab on your head and throw rocks at you. We say a couple swear words and we're going to prison. I got to tell you something, guys, I'm not into that traveling shit across borders. I'm petrified. It is terrifying. It is. Less and less do I want to do it.

Look at this fucking kid from North Korea. came back retarded. Yeah. They did to that white kid, and the Koreans are 20 years at a time. They sent the guy over, and they knew he was going to die in three days. They put like a time on him.

The kid was dead when he walked off the plane. Did you see him? He was walking and half dead. He didn't even walk. He was in a coma? Yeah, he had like a battery operator. What did he do wrong? Was he stealing signs or something?

Yeah, that's what they said. At the hotel. You know, listen, you and I both know that as kids, we all did stuff. The shit like that at the hotel. To get 15 years,

Well, you don't even, they don't even talk English. Oh. You can't, you're away from your whole fucking family. Yeah, but why did, why did he go there? Who the fuck cares? You know, these fucking people? Because everybody has to be international. Everybody has to be cool.

Everybody has to see something. Everybody has to fucking, everybody has to fucking do something. You know, that's why. And he went over and he fucked around at the wrong place. And they gave 15 years. And it's hard because you don't, when you go to a country, they don't tell you shit. No one ever tells you anything. They tell you about North Korea.

That's like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but even there. He was one of those dudes. I got invited there. I got invited and my friend was running a marathon there. In North Korea? Yeah, North Korea. They opened it up, yeah, and they let Americans coming into it.

And I went, you're out of your fucking mind. There's no way. I was in India doing stand-up. And after I did my first show, the comics all came up. You know, you're so crazy. You're so daring. I'm going, no, I'm not. Like, nobody thinks I'm that in America.

They go, oh, you said some stuff. And I was like, what? They're like, we have an offense law here. if you offended anyone in the audience they can go tell the police and they arrest you and I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of this country as soon as possible. Like, I don't want anything to do it this shit. You don't know these things.

Yeah. You don't know these things. You never, like I was in one country and I was thinking about my computer. They open up people's computers. Look, I'm like, oh my God, I think pornography is illegal here. I probably have porn all over my fucking laptop if they check my cash. I'm going to go to prison. Like if they, like, you.

You just don't know what you can and can't do. Dubai, I saw, I was at a party, people were doing cocaine. And I heard you get 17 years in prison for just having it in your system, not even having it on you. And I just said to three other comedians, like, we got to get the fuck out of here right now. I don't like fucking around those places. I don't like fucking around nowhere where I don't know the fucking rules.

Yeah, it's scary. All right? I just don't get the whole, you know, it's like I don't have a person. passport and part of me is depressed, but the other part of me is like, I'm good with it. You know what? I feel like you used to go see things because you wanted to experience it. But now the world's so global, you can go on Google Images, see anything you wanted to see

and then see 10,000 pictures that people have taken of it or videos. And it's like, okay. Like we're in India. They're like, you want to go to Taj Mahal? I'm like, oh, yeah, we should go see it? They're like, it's like four hours away. I'm like, I'll just check it out on Google Images. You know, listen, there's certain things you can't pass up.

Like there's certain things I would love to fucking see. Like the wall, the underground thing in Israel where you write the notes and put them in the wall. It's not underground. Whatever the fuck it is. I like to go to Cuba. I like to go to Ireland. Can't go to Cuba now. They're fucking that up.

No, they're fucking that up. I like to go to Ireland. I like to go to a few fucking places. Australia, I got dear friends. Australia is a great place. place to fucking go down there. I got dear friends. You do. Great there. They love you there. The problem is it's that flight.

See, those flights, you've got to take ten. You've got to take a start. You've got to eat ten of these fucking things. So you wake up and they're like, you're here. You're here. You don't eat a meal in three days. Good. I ate that girl that gave me the pot cookie in Australia. When I was going, I was going from Adelaide back to Sydney. It's only like a two-hour flight. And she goes, I go, hey, I don't eat in half the night before, which was smart.

I said, give me the other half. I want to eat the other half. And she's like, I go, I think the plane flight will be fun. I just, okay, she goes, it's probably going to hit you when you land, though. It's only like a two-hour flight. It's not going to digest. I went, I ate it. And Australia, you only have to be at the airport, like a half hour before you get on a flight.

They're civil and normal and human. They got two doors on the plane. So you enter the front and back, half the time. They don't keep you like a cage rat. So I'm sitting on the plane. I've got the aisles. Wait, I think I got the aisle seat. I got the aisle.

And, oh, no, no, no. I got the window. Mother and son, the aisle in the middle. The sun is retarded. Like, really retarded. Yeah, the real deal. Oh, but I'm walking down the jetway from the, you know, the airport down to my plane. And she told me it hit me when I land.

My legs just started to feel like rubber bands. Oh, no. Like I was just like, oh, my God, it's coming. Here it comes. So I got my seat and I thought, I'm going to sit down. I'll get through this, no problem. Then I started feeling like I had to pee so bad. And this kid sits down with his mom and I look over at him and I just don't handle it well.

I'm like, he's retarded. And I'm sorry, I don't mean to say anything disparaging about people with mental illness. But it just... It's too much. It was too much for me when I was high and I looked at him. And then you're painting yourself in a fucking corner in more ways than one. So I couldn't get out. You can't get the fuck out.

I couldn't get out of the seat. And his mother, about halfway through, I was like, I got to go pee. I got to go pee. Listen, that seat gives me anxiety. Yeah. His mother started feeding them. She gave me a sandwich. Oh, no.

And I, you know how they say that, like, some retarded people have, like, a six cents. I swear to God, this kid knew I was high. And he knew that I needed to get out of that seat. And she gave him a sandwich to eat. and he didn't eat it bite by bite he was picking crumbs off of it and like putting them on his tongue and just like looking at me

just like he was because I couldn't conjure up I couldn't ask them to move but I needed to get out so badly and I'm in my head I'm like as soon as he finishes as soon as he finishes his sandwich so I don't want to disrupt his meal

I'll get out I'll go to the bathroom and he was just looking at me like and time stood still And when the flight attendant said this to me I remember I took You know the safety card I wrapped it around my head So I couldn't see him

And I just sat there like this And the flight attendant came up and tapped me And said are you okay And I was like I wonder if she knows So I was so hungry And I got off the plane I ran to McDonald's

Swear to God The girl the counter goes Are you okay Like I must have looked like I was through the war Yeah He was just It was like

had special powers and he was just, he looked me right in the eyes and was like, I'm going to destroy you. It's different on a plane. It gets you, it gets you super high. And like, he, the one time, not the one time, the first time he did it to me or he gave it to me, I was convinced that the stewardess forgot to like come to my aisle for food. I was crazy hungry because of course we take edibles at four in the morning, but we don't stop.

Now we stop for breakfast. If it's open, we stop for breakfast now. The egg burger. But that morning, I don't think it was open. I think it was like the first flight out that morning and nothing was open. Do edibles go good with food? Because the third time, my really bad time, I was eating these cookies. You got to get them.

Their biscuits. They're Australian biscuits called a Tim Tams. And it was my first night ever having. It's a chocolate biscuit with a, it's like a biscuit with a chocolate coating. You bite off the ends. And if you're drinking coffee, use it like a straw and the hot coffee comes up it melts in your hand and you got to like smash it in your mouth and it's the i'm telling you it's one of the it's like the ninth wonder of the

world if you have it's called a tim-tam slam when you do it with coffee and they just start selling them in america it's it's heavenly so i'm doing this i'd eat in half a pot cookie and i start doing tim tams and i'm like i mean you're supposed to have like two like they're like coffee biscuit i've eaten an entire package and the girls told you're told me that the sugar probably like made the pot go quicker. They're like, you activated your system. That's what happens with the search. So I walked, I stood up, I felt good sitting, and I looked at the girls, and I turned around

and I just went, make it stop. Make it stop. Whatever has happened, like, whatever is in this, you got to make it stop right now. And they're like, we can't. And I was like, how long is this going to last? And they go forever. Yeah. And I went.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Yeah. That's kind of what happened. It was till tomorrow. Well, they're weird, man. Well, I tell you what, I enjoy that people eating them in contrast to heavy stuff. Like I saw the data that came out like three weeks ago on CNN.

CNN, fucking put these numbers up. CNN likes drugs. And they were talking about fucking how the states that have medical marijuana, there's less opioid or emergency. Oh, really good. Shit like that. Emergency room visits. So who the fuck knows?

You're going to have me with some Tony Bennett. You're going to sit there like move to law. You forgot. It's Monday, cock sucker. See, you had it all lined up, see? I'd never forget about Tony Bennett. How dare you? I want to be around to pick up the pieces.

When somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as small. Oh, my God. Put the thing away. We already had enough of those. The last two. Oh, okay. Fair enough.

Don't put them next to your nose. Do they taste good? Like fucking heaven. Like those tam-tams. Like heaven. They're really good. Did you see how it stuck to the computer? Well, it sticks like Spider-Man's foot.

That's when you know you're in for a long fucking night. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. Let me give some shout out to you real quick. What do they taste like? These are actually a really good flavor These are the sour blue ones These are good

Yeah these are real delicious Like a gummy bear kind of Yeah Cracker CJ 2501 Raisin Leslie Cap oh no four Three

Jeep Thanks for coming to Vegas Cocksucker Brad Ebert Brian Romero J.R.V and Krista Finnegan You sexy bitch

Anyway sorry about that No it's nice That's nice that you do that To your fans Let these motherfuckers They're not fans. They're family at this point. We've been doing this fucking shit for so long.

I feel like the same thing. Like, I've had fans, I shouldn't call fans. I used to call them shitheads when it was talking shit. And now it's the bingo show. It's bingoberries. They have done so much for me. And so many guys have, like, really helped out that they're now my buddies. Like, they come over to my house.

And I know some people think that's weird. But it's like, we all, by talking on this format, you find people that are totally into what you're into, think like you, talking. It's like dating. I never got to date in the fucking computer world. I would have liked to because I think it's great. You cut through all the bullshit. Well, these guys, we know we got shit.

I had a guy over at my house today working on the bus with me. I've got guys in towns now. You know, you go to town. We got Bobby Shat. We got Bob Lingus. Yeah, we got all those fucking savages. I'm going to a town that I used to never know anyone. And all of a sudden I got like.

You got a couple buddies. You call. They picked Lee up. They take them out to Mexican food. You know, it's a... We had a friend come in from Australia. Yeah. That's bad weekend.

That's awesome. When I give him a shot, he came with his sisters. He came to both shows. He hooked up with Anarchy. He had some edibles. Where were you this weekend? I was at the South Point Casino. I had a great fucking time.

If you guys came to the show, first of, there were good shows, man. And the people were great. The club was great. The food was great. I'd do it once a year. Yeah. And I don't want to be. leave the fucking casino. Yeah, and that's

kind of out there. That's on the way in it. Yeah, it was so crazy. Like, I had this weird thing happen to me this weekend. It was just weird how people act and women act, and this girl tried to keep luring me out of the casino. Lee, she had no idea

who she was up against. You were like, I'm just not leaving. People really don't fucking get me. Like, they think, like, I'm fucking around. Do you think that's maybe why she like, was so insistent because like probably no one ever says no and like nothing even

heard she couldn't convince Joey Dia to leave the challenge the challenge came to the show dressed up in the minute she came and she's like I can't wait you take me out around the town and I'm looking at the thinking she don't know if she's getting a fucking crabbing avocado salad

she's getting tossed out of here I love it at that but I don't love it that much and she tried like she started calling me early She's a dear friend. I love this stuff. But I even told her, like a month ago, listen, it ain't going to happen. I didn't going to happen.

I did the opposite, Joey. I can't do it. I never party anymore because I got a wife. I got a two-and-a-half-year-old. This weekend, I was a monster. I don't know. I think I've had a lot of stress lately in my life. My mom was sick.

I got Bell's palsy, like half my face paralyzed. And it was a tough month. I went down to San Diego. Love the city. I loved to surf. My opener was a buddy of mine. Joe Preno. We, um, and it was just like, I got to the club and it was like, I felt like I was in college

again. Like, I got to get a drink. It's a college five. Yeah. And I was like, they still got the sushi place across the street. Yeah, yeah. And I went and got, I went and got, I went and got to, oh, wait, no, sushi. We went to sushi.

We went to sushi. Right across the street. I think so. Or they have at least something. A little something across the street. Do you go to the burrito place? No, I got taken to a fish place. It was the best fucking fish I've had in so long.

And a pizza. I was doing shots of tequila. like so now like I'll do have two drinks a night and when I was young I could drink a shitload it was like I was young no hangovers I was going I wasn't taking ubers home I was taking golf carts home like guys driving golf guys be like I'll pay you 20 bucks drive me up there jumping their golf cart and just you know eating pizza out of the back of it it was like I was in college and there were there were a lot of girls around but you know like there were girlfriends of mine and like everybody else is having a good time but I'm like you know I'm not going to

there but it was like I missed this for I didn't like when I got married I was like I'm over all that shit but I think for the past like three to four years five years I've kind of pushed that out of my life completely so it was like hey this is fun again this is fun like I slept in my clothes both

nights get my contacts in I just don't like leaving I just don't like driving all around Vegas that's what I don't like oh I hate Vegas so that's why when I go to the south point I plan it even Even before I get that, I know exactly, I'm leaving one time to do MMA junkie. I go to Mandalay Bay. I call them in a quarter of the 12, the car's there 10 after, you know, and I go back to the hotel and I go to the gym or I fucking...

Do you gamble at all? Me? Yeah, I won this week. I played poker on the computer, and I hit him. I don't gamble. Yeah, I mean, I know. I'm not big of that. But I was telling Lee how two weeks ago I was in Long Island.

I'm like some kid kept bugging me man can I buy you a drink I said listen to not drink I gotta be in a 4 o'clock car it's 1 o'clock car it's 20 am I don't drink anyway I said thank you

I went to the bar and I got a fucking water if this kid didn't ask me 20 times if he could buy me a drink and I felt bad for the kid because he finally walked away upset but it's like once you ask me I tell you no get the fuck out of my face

it's not gonna get no better for you trust me you know what I do everyone when I tell you no it's fucking no I go like this I go can I buy you a drink And then that's my way of getting out of having to drink the alcohol. I'll be like, they're like, come on, let me buy your drink. When they're insistent.

No, but these guys get, he had that a couple of drinks of them. This girl was funny because she came. She goes, well, I'm just going to come to the show. I'm like, oh, I kept telling you, you should just wait until I get out of it. Because see if she had told me she was at the mirage, I'd be like, oh, see you there in 10 minutes. Fuck you. You ain't going to get me out of this whole time. And it was funny because she came.

to the show and I told us and she goes well what are we going to do after she goes have friends at the balagio yeah she's hit me with all these names of places and I'm going listen this ain't looking good for you right that's that's that's tough though to do that but she why it wasn't sexual I know and she knows I'm married I know I'm saying just like no run around in Vegas is no yeah fuck you I'm not getting no fucking Uber duba or good doobah so I did it single no no no no even I don't want to fucking leave. I did that shit one time with Rogan. I didn't get back to 4 in the morning.

There's fucking lines everywhere for a cab. There's traffic. Fuck you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They get back to 4 in the morning. Listen, Saturday, Friday, she waited for me until 1 in the morning. She finally cracked that one.

She looked at me, she goes, you're only going to leave tonight. You're in no danger. And she goes, what are you going to do? I go, I'm walking to that door over there. I'm a smoking joint. I'm coming back in. I'm giving you a hug. I'm going that way, and you're going that way.

And that's the evidence of that. And then Saturday, she called. Like, when I got up, there was a call from her. Let's go for that adventure. Go to a weed store. Why would I do that? I brought fucking a quarter-round to this and a quarter-round to that. And I got a bag of stars.

I can choke the fucking dumbman. I'm going to go to a weed store with you in Vegas. How many shows did you have to do? Two, one on Friday. You're on stage at nine. You're so lucky. You just want to be left the fuck alone. You know what your fate is.

You take some pictures. You give people hugs. You go, you get a little clam chowder, and you go upstairs, and da-da. It's over. I don't want to have a drink. I don't want to, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm the type of guy. I'm there to take pictures.

I'll sign your shit. I'll take the pictures. We'll talk. But once it's time to go, we got to wrap it up and go. You ain't going to get me at no fucking club. Yeah, never. I don't give a fuck. You can't get me in.

Listen, man, it's not what I'm into. I find peace going up to that room I take a shower I put my shorts on I go to the refrigerator I take a fucking apple juice out of I had apple juice waiting for Uncle Joe I took a little can of that fucking apple juice

The tree top, yeah I love that one's long order Yeah that's it That's it I've probably been to Vegas now You know 30 times I've only think I've had One really fun night in Vegas

And I have fun a lot It's not like I'm a boring like I'm not like this guy that complains. It was just, I did it. It was, I think it was my kind of fake bachelor party where I invited fans of the show. The shitheads came out and we all went to the Hustler Club because they kind of sponsored my show a bit. And we acted like fucking idiots and drank and smoked and ended up in other strip clubs till the sun came up. And that was the only time I've ever gone, hey, that was a fucking fun night.

every other time it's just like I've had good nights and I've had a good night I had a good time I had a good time Friday night and Saturday night believe it or not I had a really good fucking time I drank a few beers I want a couple yard sticks and I didn't have to leave the building yeah I have to do deck

nothing nothing I get straight to my room no I just it's the way that I'm going to I'm going to St. Louis I'm getting all these people hit me and listen you believe what you want to believe there's a guy that sent me like this fucking friend request, you know, listen, if you don't let me fuck with you, I'm gonna fuck with you. If you're gonna let me.

And if you're gonna be that stupid, I'm gonna fuck with you. There's a guy who actually believed I was gonna send him a box of stars. For the last five months, some guy in Ireland has been hitting me. You know that messenger account, that hidden account you have on Facebook. Right. And you click onto it. It says you got 2,000 messages. Yeah, yeah.

And you click on to it and you feel horrible. These people think you hate them. Yeah. And you find all these hidden messages and shit from creepy people. It's so funny you talk about that. It's fucking creepiest thing. It only shows up every once in a while. Every once in a while.

Yeah. And, you know, I had a message from him like, hey, man, well, won't you ship me over a box of stars? I would be your fan for life. Sure, why not? And then he would hit back, really? You would do that? And I'm like, sure, why not?

And he would go, okay. Can you also send me a shirt and a cup? And he asked for like 20 things. I'm like, absolutely. Send me the fucking address. He sent me the address. He sent me all the explanations how to send it. I kept telling him, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's on its way. Finally, the other day, he's like, I never got the package. You're fuck. Did you really send that? I'm like, are you fucking crazy? Did you really believe I was going to send you a package? I don't even know you, you dumb fuck. Like, I just fall off a fucking banana boat.

Like, who would you? send somebody a fucking package with stars in it. Can you imagine two days later the FBI's knocking your fucking dog? Yeah, that's why I can't even respond to those. No, no. I think the FBI agents on Twitter. I goof on them, goof on them. Tell them, yeah, whatever you want, I'll be waiting for you.

Because if you're that dumb, if you're that dumb, if you're that dumb to say that to me on Twitter, then I got to play with you. I'm going to treat you like the fucking moron that you are. You don't think that the FBI could be on there, like trying to send the secret agents? Sure, yeah. Just keep telling them, yeah, and then set up a time and then. meet. Tell him you're going to meet him in fucking Vegas by the fountain at midnight. Good luck.

I did that when the internet first came out. When it first came out, like, we're talking like 19, this would have been like 1990. Around 1990, my friend and I would go on the lesbian chat lines and troll dudes.

And because we, it was girl, and you knew it was just dudes. So we'd go on as guys, as women. We'd pretend we were women to meet other women. And then you, you you'd have dudes come into the room and talk to the girls. Because it was like the only place you could get like, get weird on the internet.

So we would troll these dudes. And this was like on AOL. Like, you know, you chat on. I think it might have been like pre that or whatever. But we would just say like, all right, I'll meet you at this bar. I'm going to be by the jukebox. And I'd say things like, I need you to wear a blue hat. I want you to put it on backwards.

So I know who you are. You know, this is pre cell phones. It's like, I want you to put your hat on backwards. No, it was 1994. This was 94. Because it was, yeah. And I'd go, put your hat on backwards and play this song. You know, so I know who you are.

And just send these dudes. And I used to send them to truck stops and all kinds of shit. And then my friend and I, like, as we got older, we were like, we were trolls when we were like, you know, like little kids. Like, we were fucking with guys and, like, guys trying to, like, pick up these, like, dirty lesbians. They thought we're going to fuck them. And I had them waiting on the Garden State Parkway at a road stop, thinking they were getting a blow job. I feel bad about it now. Listen, if somebody's going to be that stupid, they deserve what they got coming to them.

I mean, you cannot go on one of those things and really feel safe. Like, I wouldn't feel. We were catfishy. I feel terrible. I wouldn't fucking feel safe in none of those situations. What situation? Any of those situations, like going on the chit-chat line and talking to a broad that I don't fucking see here

or nothing like that, you know, whenever somebody attacks me on, like, Twitter, like a message, like you get those once in a while. Somebody just tries to fuck with your head. Yeah, I got it today out of the blue. I haven't had it in a while. You get them every three fucking weeks. But they come together and, like, a wave,

and I'm like, did I piss everybody? You go, what the fuck is going on here with these people? Like, something's going on that I don't know about. And then you look more into that Twitter And you can tell that something ain't right Yeah Oh always Always yeah

So that's It's just I don't know I don't like fucking with people When it comes in a wave like that Because I never like You know I'm not big on Twitter or anything When I get

And I get I used to when I used to work with Jim Jeffries I used to get so much hate mail All day long Like hundreds Like hundreds I was like And people are like

Oh you're you know Your show's growing It's getting pop I'm like I can't handle this I was like, I can't handle the hate. It's like killing me. And then, so I don't get it much anymore.

And then it'll come in a little wave. And all I figure is, I must have been on TV last night. Like I saw a rerun or something I did. And there were just a bunch of dudes sitting around going, oh, fuck this guy. Like, they hated me so much that they were like. Sometimes one person has multiple accounts. And it's funny, because you can go and I go to their page and they all retweet each other,

like of the same thing at the same time. Yeah, this guy just has like 18 accounts. He's having fun by himself. I don't care about it anymore because I'm starting to totally realize that. The people that do that shit are just fucking weird. Something's wrong with them. I can't imagine trolling anyone other than Trump. Facebook is where I get, believe it on that.

Facebook, I get the weirdest fucking thing. The last one I got was about eight days ago. A little chubby little blonde chick about my age from my hometown. Mm-hmm. Hit me with a message. somebody if I grew up with a certain person I did grow up with that person but I don't know who the fuck she is yeah so I answered no yeah and we're back and forth all very vague questions you because I'll give you a vague answer and I'll throw you completely off I love that you said no I would

never think to sing no I would neither no you don't know nobody you don't know nobody you don't know nobody you don't know what that person yeah I wish I would follow you're just because there's a fucking picture there that's a guy that could be a guy yeah yeah Looking for something. Did you grow up with him? That could be a public, what do you call those people? Like a public, what do you know, those people that spy on people? Oh, for other people.

Private investigator. That could be a private investigator that's looking at Lee for his divorce. His wife hired him. And he's fucking hitting you up as Lee asking you if we're going to go get pussy this weekend. You know, just that you never know. Yeah. Why give you, why? It's like those assholes that answer the phone.

Hi, this is Tim McMillan. I got catfished once. No, you never opened up with your name. I gave too much information. Never. I don't know if it was a girl or a guy. I forget the whole situation, but they played me pretty hard for a long fucking time.

It was a weird thing. I was trying to get a hold of a girl, and I sent her a message, a text message, and apparently she had gotten rid of her phone, and someone had the new phone, like someone had her number. And so this person just started playing me, and they started playing me really hard,

and it got, like really weird. They told me they had cancer and all this stuff. They knew I surfed you. I bought you a gift. I'm going to send you a surfboard and all this stuff. And I thought it was her, the girl that I knew the whole time. And I'm like, why is this going

on? And then I took it to her friend. I'm like, why is she doing this to me? She's fucking weird. Why is this going on? And she's like, that's not her number. I'm like, what? She's like, she changed numbers. No, it's fucking weird. They had something on 2020. about the basketball player, the white guy from the Denver Nuggets.

Birdman? The white dude that has all the tattoos. Yeah, Birdman. About he was having a long-distance relationship with a girl that was set up by a girl in Alaska, a little retarded girl in Alaska, and that's all she does. That's all she does. That football player for the Chargers had that happen in college. The Notre Dame got?

Yeah. And then I had kind of a funny one. I help people start podcasts sometimes. And I got, I went back like two or three times. and they told me they were like the third base coach of the white socks like a former player and they said his name and I'm like

oh yeah cool I'd love to help and like two or three they were like fuck you I hate you you talk and that was their end that they were like the third base coach of the white socks oh I forgot about this one we had a girl that was a big fan of talking shit when Jim and I were doing it

and she told us she had cancer that's people wants to do this to me all the time and we used to call her cancer girl. That was our joke name for her. We called her cancer girl. And we used to, we used to, for a donation, you could come to the house. And we told her, you know what, you can come for free. You come out here, what have you, blah, blah, blah. We said, we'll even pay for your flight, you know, because she said, she was telling us it was like terminal. And she loved the show and everything. And she was like hardcore, like she did crazy shit. And, you know,

she's like, I might just, she was like writing. She said, I might not take my treatment because I just want to die because I don't want to go through. I've already been through. emo once, like a really, really in-depth story. So we said, we'll fly you out here. She said, I can't fly the doctor, say I'm too sick to fly. So I kind of leave it at that. Sorry, we'd love to have you. Jim used to, you know, Jim Jeffries.

He was like, don't die. You know, see a cancer girl. You know, like you just gave her a hard time. So I'm doing a show in Florida and Marco Island. You've probably done that. So I'm doing the Marco Island gig. And this comedian, I'm not going to say his name on here. probably know him.

He said, hey, I'm flying down to Atlanta. He said, can I come down and I'll drive it down? Can I do a guest spot on your show? I said, yeah, no problem. I said, why are you going to be down there? He goes, I'm flying into Atlanta and I'm picking up Cancer Girl. And I'm taking her to a concert. And then I'm going to drive her down to see your show since she can't fly out here.

So I'm going to drive her. And he flew into Atlanta, drove someone. where really far, picked her up, and then drove her down to, like, Naples is south of fucking Tampa. So he shows up, he does the guest spot and everything, she hangs out. She was kind of fucking, like, off the rails. She wrote graffiti on the wall in the bathroom. So it was really a girl, though? Yeah, it was a girl. He hooks up with her or whatever happens. What? Then we find out, he's hooking up with her, we find out that our intern has been webcam jerking off with her.

then we find out she doesn't have cancer she lied to us that she had cancer and did all that then she tells the open mic or not the open mic the comedian that brought her the trover that he got her pregnant

and I'm like this woman is a fucking sociopath like that's why you avoid people like that you have to be very careful on today's this thing with me was fucking crazy because I watched it.

I said, no, I don't know what you're talking about. Okay? And she sent me something else. I noted that. And then she asked me if I did comedy and if I was in North Perrigan. And I said, yeah, I'm from North Perrigan. Obviously, you know that. You asked me about that guy.

And then that was it. I left. I come back on the three messages and one of who I thought was her in a bikini in her. I'm looking like this little chubby girl going, why'd she send this picture? her with a fucking bar what's that when they wore the whole thing down the heels like a bikini Oh like the one piece?

A one piece but it's really not a bikini The Borat Yeah whatever the fuck it is Oh gotcha And she sends me one of those And then it's something else doing splits So yeah I'm like I don't need this shit in my life

You know If you ain't gonna smear a picture of your pussy Don't bother Don't bother You want to get my attention Just send a picture of a monkey I don't get that ever anymore No, no, I don't get them either, but if you want to get my attention, send me a picture of your monkey.

But I really... Nothing else, everything else gets a thumbs up, I don't even look at it. I don't give a fuck. I used to get some of that before I was married. Yeah, because you tell people you're married like me. Well, old dogs. Nobody wants to send an old dog. Would you send a picture of your dick to a 70-year-old lady?

Maybe. No, you wouldn't. No, you fucking wouldn't, all right? It's the same thing. I don't even want pictures of pussy. My point was that you're not going to get my attention unless you send me a picture your pussy like lightning on fire or blowing a Roman candle or something. I don't want to see you in a fucking bikini.

So I leave it at that. Like I didn't even answer her back, which probably drove her crazy. Like, I don't know what, you know. So about a week later, and then I go over there, and I plug the computer on in Vegas, Saturday morning. And I'm up early. I'm up at like seven. I'm waiting for fucking room service. I go.

Let me look at this fucking deck. And I start looking through it, and I saw she sent me another message. When I click, she sent me pictures of a chubby doll. daughter. I'm looking like going she's like clean like yeah like bro people are fucking retarded man so you never know like there's a lot of pictures we you know we're

very lucky we have Bobby Sharon and Crystal and Bob Lillengis and fucking uh the Armenian you know fucking uh what's his name he brings me bread oh we got burghie we're very lucky that we oh you I never thought of that too everyone probably brings you drugs

no no no we have people on the road in certain cities that show up and always bring me something to kill Lee. Like the liquid acid, the paper acid, it's always something to kill Lee. I like he said no. No, and they don't bring me drugs. They bring me stuff to kill Lee.

Have you guys had Shane Moss on here? Shane Moss. Shane Moss. Shane Moss is a really good dude, really funny comedian. Oh my God, from Minneapolis. And he does the black dude. No, no, no. Not that Shane Moss.

That's Randy Moss. No, no, no. Randy Moss is a wide receiver. Shane Moss is a white dude. And he does a whole show now, a comedy show on psychedelics. And he just loves him. He's done DMT like 60 times. Yeah, I don't want that fucking woman tick on my...

I want people to come in here and talk and be fucking normal. You know, he's great. He's really smart and he's really into it. Great. Do I look smart and really into it? You look into it. I don't want nobody across from me. He's thinking he's fucking nephidop of these, whatever it's fucking...

You've never done DMT? No. Really? Just do acid and join the real world. Stop fucking around with baby shit. shit. I'm gonna get it for 60 seconds and cry and go on a corner and tell people my

insecurities. I'll give you a hit, listen. We'll do a drop of that shit there in a sugar cube. You'll hang out with Uncle Joe you'll be fine. No more. No more DMT. That'll take you to what side you need to sit. A little container right there. Oh, there it is. That's what that is. Oh, God, that's terrifying. I'll put out a nice cube right there. It's all

over. You take the DMT and never do that kid stuff again. It's like a big cap. But I'm not, I'm amazed at it. people don't dose people like people don't get it's illegal i know i know but it it be so easy to get away with no it wouldn't no one no would and that's something that you don't want to dose people with no no i'm saying i i've been drugged once in my life yeah that's great because you weren't watching your fucking glass that's exactly what happened i want your fucking glass so this is uh but it was a good good it turned into the good situation but the thing joey doesn't dose it like joey convinces the

people to dose themselves almost Like Polly. No, well, here's the thing, man. Me fucking around with him, you know his level. I know that he had, it was time for him to push it. In the beginning, I was giving him big packages and telling them there were small packages. So I was playing with his mind. He thought he was doing 35 milligrams.

Meanwhile, he was doing 100 and going, why is this killing me? Because it's a strong cookie. But whatever he thought he was eating, he was really eating double. it's Wednesday, dog. I was lifting his resistance without him knowing. Have you always had a friend like this? Yeah. It was like your guy that you got here pressured and...

Oh my God. All my friends knew when you were around me. If I had to blow, we had to do it. Yeah. If I got... But I didn't, you know... When did you start? How old?

I started getting high on weed when I was about 12, 13, playing basketball. I was really a jock, but the jocks in those days got high. Yeah. It wasn't like jocks. I walked no, we got fucking high and we robbed beer trucks and we did all that type of shit. But it was 78

when I really started fucking around 79 and the other drug was acid, which was blotter, window pain, they had all, acid was everywhere. It was five bucks,

four bucks, three bucks, two bucks. You know, you had nickel bags of marijuana. Nickel bags. You got seven joints for five dollars. I couldn't do acid.

I don't, And then you had Angel Dust. You could smoke and snort it. What's the feeling from Angel Dust? Like the world is crashing and you're just fucking floating. Like that was weird. Like every drug I did, okay, like I did the fucking weed just because I liked it. And I liked how music sounded with weed.

That's where I really liked working weed in the beginning because I liked music. And then, I don't know why. I can't tell you what made me do ass. as much as I hated all that shit I didn't read you know there was no internet in those days you had no you couldn't

webmd you just talk to different people yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you know you're fucking there was no yelp right you know there was no yelp you didn't believe nobody they told you got three friends right

yeah you do that shit yeah how was it? We went to a concert we had a good time beautiful should I do it fuck you it's gonna change your life okay done that's it

there's no thing and there's no what you get. Well, I don't give a fuck what you want to do. That's why when people talk about parenting. It's all about who your kids hanging out. Yeah, that's it. And, you know, it was, I always had somebody growing up, like two or three dudes that we got down with, that we all had the same tolerance.

So did you peer pressure them like you do him? No, him. I peer pressure him because he wouldn't do anything. If he doesn't do this, these two nights, this is it oh really he'll sit at home and watch color is the purple orange is purple and fucking uh anything bad he'll watch and they'll cook blue apron and they'll fucking stay in and do you really cook blue apron yeah yeah it's so good and he fucking uh watches you know satin live and they giggle i don't you know what's i'm saying

if this is it this is it does he have a girl do you have a girl yeah he has a living girlfriend she's in a tony at least slinging dick I'm Who's the Savage as shit I've always been kind of Well not kind of

I've always been really Like just boring You know nerdy It's sad warfare Sure Sure Whatever you want I'm fucking

I used to not Understand people They're nerdy and boring I couldn't understand How it happened And now that I'm kind of married I'm kind of nerdy and boring

myself And I'm happy with it I'm like Oh they were happy with it Their whole life I always just assumed They were like Misery I'm like

Why would you want to be like that. And now that I am like that, I'm like, oh, I get it. I want to go home and just sit with my wife. Part of me does want it. Part of me is like, oh, maybe I should have party. But then literally 97% of the people I talked to about are like, oh, you didn't

miss anything. Like, in reality, I had some great fucking times. Let me tell you something, man. I, uh, know why I started doing, you know, what the fuck knows. I wouldn't want to do it now. But I, I mean, I did this weekend, but it was like, I just can't handle

like I did. And I, and I regret, I have lots of regrets of like throwing away years of my life for just partying. Like,

you probably educated yourself. I went to an art school, so not really. Okay. You know, Lee is, you see, you know,

I'm 54. Now I see the generations and I see the differences in the generations. I really do. I really do. I don't name them. Yeah.

I don't know what the X generation is. Yeah. fucking Pepsi generation or what a millennial is. I don't know that shit. I know what a half of fucking fag is. That's what I fucking know. And half of them are half of fags.

You know, potus, to these new people who get body highs from weed. I never heard this shit. But that's what we're dealing with today. People who say potus, 92,000 presents. All of a sudden, now they want

to call them fucking potas. All right? You know, everybody with this, you go to a weed store and then destroyed the weed industry with their faggotry. It's faggotry with the body highs and the, now there's a new thing, microdosing. Like, we don't really get high.

We microdose. Let me put my dick in your mouth now while we have the chance before somebody fucking shoot you. We're going into some scary times at these fucking type of people. You don't microdose, Joe? Oh, yeah, all the time. We just microdose 2,000. You macro dose. We macro dose.

We broke the fucking bank, okay? Macro, micro, who gives a fucked. But it's just amazing where we're going and how soft we've become. It fucking tears me up that people microdose. When they tell you now? I'm just upset to you at night by yourself. Oh, well, I'm sitting there driving. I'm smoking a big fucking bong.

And I hear people telling me they microdose this morning after that morning yoga session. And I want to sit there and go, what the fuck is this? Eddie, what's this tour you're doing? What is the name of this tour? I'm going, it's called the Bingo all the way. and we're taking that bingo bus I bought a bus for about 10 grand did a Kickstarter and we put about

65 grand into the bus now that was with the kickstart now it's up to like 95 grand and it's I could probably sell the bus for about two grand maybe three if anyone wants to buy it because it's just fucking digging

every day it's something else every day I got to like fix the rats in it that chewed all the wiring $10,000 of wire, just everything. But I finally said, well, you know, I told the fans I was going to bring it around the country. So we're leaving on the 19th of July, and we're going, this is a tour.

We're going to San Jose that night. Eugene, Oregon, nine hours later the next night. Seattle, the next night. Then we go over to Spokane, down to Boise, Salt Lake City. We're going to Denver, Lincoln, Nebraska, St. Paul, Chicago, Illinois, Madison, Wisconsin, Iowa City, Dubuque. And then we're talking about stopping in Vegas on the way back for this weed thing. But it's fucking, and it's me. It's not like, you know, when guys got on a tour bus, it's nice and they got better.

And still, that's tough. This is a shitty old school bus. How many guys on the bus? So we're going to have four total. And it's, it's, uh, it's all nice inside. Like I, you know, I'm, you know, we, I saw the big screen TV. Yeah, yeah, it's really, it's beautiful inside. And, um, but one of my cameraman, my cameraman guy, so I got like an audio guy and one of them does merch and, and then I got a comedian that comes with me an opener.

My drives the fucking, we all take turns. I'll even be doing it. I'm a soldier on this thing. Like, I'm not the leader. Like, we're all in this together. One of my fucking, my cameraman today sends me a comment. contract. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. And I want a new cameraman. Like, fuck off. He was like making all these demands. I go, I'm with a big agency. When I go to a club, there's like three lines in my contract. Your contract to come on tour with me. It's like five pages. So we're going to have a good time, though. We have tailgate parties at the bus. So we just open. We got a keg on the bus. We tequila. We drink with a party.

smoke on the bus, everything, and do the show, stand-up show, and then everybody comes out to the bus afterwards, tailgate, and we do a live podcast. Pretty fucking, how long is the tour? 20 days. 20 days. I'm leaving my wife and kid for 20 days

to ride around this. Like, it's smaller in this room, Joey. No, I know. I know. I like the tour. I hate the predicament. You know what I'm saying? With a 1940 bus, that things are going to blow up in the Buk, fucking cat.

I know. Everybody's making bets. Everybody's making a bet. I don't want to make a bet, but fuck it. You better have Plan B just in case. You got some short dates there in between. Fuck. Yeah, you got some short times there. Eugene Oregon. If you're telling me you had rats, God knows what by the ways in that fucking engine, you know what I'm saying?

Does it have AC? No. Oh, no. No, but listen, listen, listen. I've been working on AC all week, and every single fan has like an opinion on AC. And we were like, do we do battery? Do we do generators? Do we get an alternator?

Do we, to people are going, you're going to put dry ice in a bucket and blow a fan. They were giving us every kind of way. And I'm just like, so I think we've narrowed it down. We're going to have AC by the time we go. But how we have it is a fucking nightmare. I would do it through a generator and like a dry swamp,

whatever, a swamp cooler. That's what I think we're doing. That's it. That's the only way I can see it. And then every stop, recharge the generator. Generator lasts 10 hours. Yes, that's it. You've stopped.

But every time you stop, you charge it. While you're eating, you charge it. These people that my cell phones did. What the fuck did you do when you were home? It's going to be so off. Take a shower when you come back, the thing is ready. Same thing with that fucking thing. You plug in the bus, you go eat that subway,

whatever the fuck you're going to do, because there ain't no Morton's on this tour. No, no. There ain't no mortons on this tour. You're lucky if you get a napkin and shit. This is like one of those tours they take the 600-pound man on. You ever see when they put them in the back of a U-Haul? and they take him across the country

the fat fuck and every three hours he's got to stop he's back to stop stop that's what I have I feel like that's what I've done I've created this tour that's like fucking everyone's like

you have to do it you have to do it and I was like why have there like you built the bus and it's funny we're going to Dubuque Iowa we're fucking field of dreams is my friend goes you Now what's a club in the Buke Iowa

I'm doing the cute casino Now was there a club in there I think you're thinking the quad cities. Right. What club was in there? Oh, it's called Penguins. Penguins. Penguins.

Now, they have a club on a ship. They do now? I don't know. They have the club downtown. I forget. I used to open for a tell. I opened for a tell there. And we had a fucking good week there.

Because they used to have like a Thursday, Friday at the club, and then Saturday, you went to a ship. and that ship had a comedy club in it and it was like a funny bone something. The chick that ran that club knew more about comedy. Nan? Yes. Nan. Where is she?

I don't know. I'll tell you this, though. Oh, my God, yeah. I hooked up with a waitress there. Me too. And we had sex and never thought anything of it again. You know, see ya. Good seeing you.

and someone knew, like one of my friends knew, and told Jim Florentina, he's a good friend of mine, told him, and I called Jim or something, or he'd just come back from there, and he said, I said, hey, I was the gig, and he goes, I go, did you see so-and-so? And he goes, oh, you mean the pregnant girl?

And I go, what? He goes, the pregnant waitress. You know, she's like, and he knew how long ago I was there. He's like, she's like six months pregnant. You're talking about that girl? And I'm like, I forget her name Carly or something. Carly? He's like, yeah, Carly, the pregnant girl.

And I just fucking went. You had to be fucking kidding me. And he's like, oh, yeah, she was talking about her. You know, I said, is she have a boyfriend or husband or any? No, no, no, I think some comic knocked her up. And I'm like, oh, fuck. and I just lost my shit. I was panicking so hard.

And he goes, yeah, you're a real fucking gullible one. You fell for this shit. And he just got me so fucking good. So good. I fell for, I was convinced for like, you know, I was like, oh, fuck, I got a kid in Quad Cities, Illinois. I had a weird experience there. I went there, you know, $12 a month a week headliner.

Mad TV, maybe. Maybe something else. I do not know. But whatever I did, this waitress saw, this is the weirdest fucking thing that could happen to you on the road. It's a Saturday night. Sunday, they drive you, you got on a fucking plane,

you come home. Saturday night. She comes up to me and introduces this out and says, can I take you somewhere after here? I want to introduce you to the biggest fan in the fucking world. Not in those days I was doing powder. Yeah. So you'd go out?

If this, I didn't know. say that. At first I go, let me see how, what happens after the show? And she goes, trust me, you're going to want to go to this thing. So every 10 minutes when I'd see her, and she goes, get ready to have a good time. I'm like, what the

fuck is this girl talking about? Second show, that's the fucking night where I'm sitting there. I don't know how many people in the audience and the manager comes into me, she goes that, by the way, the second show, Ron White, and Jeff Foxworthy, no, the other guy.

A duly guest said, Wow. I go, are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking, I'm not following them. This is the heat of their popularity. I'm like, I'm not fucking following those savages. And they came in, and it was great. I started drinking fucking doers,

and I started hanging out. I smoked a joint. So afterward, the girl came home, and she goes, what are you going to do? I'm going to go with them, and she grabbed my arm, and she goes, listen to me. If I was you, I'd come with me. And I look at it.

Like, trust me, you're going to want to come. I go, is that something to do a powder? And she goes, well, I'm going to take you. There might be some powder. We'll ask when we get there. But trust me, you want to go to this way. And I thought there was a catch. Because those type of girls always have a boyfriend.

Yeah. They're always dating the dirtiest, fucking dumbest waiter in the fucking place. You know? Sure enough, they're showing. And she's like, you're ready? I'm like, who else is going? And she's like, just me and you. And I think I had a little coke in my pocket.

I copped a little something from one of the fucking casino dudes. I saw a Spanish casino dude, and I worked them right away. We can get the bounty. He was like, give me five minutes. My other guy's cousin to run there somewhere. So we got in a fucking car. We drive about 20 minutes.

Real cute girl. You know, I mean, I'm sitting there going on. What the fuck is going on here? I got to be 40 at the time, 39. You know, this chick's maybe 26. And she stopped and it's a strip club. Yeah.

And I go, what are we doing here? She goes, your biggest fan works here. And I'm thinking, hang out of my fucking fans. Yeah. I know three people. I put out of a shitty CD. Yeah. What the fuck is she talking about?

She takes me in her, but when we go and she takes my hand, and she goes, come out and follow me. She takes me to one of those back rooms where strippers take you. And she goes sit right here. I'm thinking I'm getting shot. I'm like, this is a hit. This is a fucking hit. I don't have a weapon on me.

I got nothing. So I went real quick, you got a bottle of fucking beer. And I'm like, I'm going to sit here and wait until whatever happens happens. I'm going to hit. I don't know who the fuck lives in fucking Des Moines. Right, right, right, right. Why is a fucking beautiful girl with red hair and a great body asking me to come to a strip club with her, and now she leaves me in this fucking private room by myself?

In the middle of all this anxiety, bam, the fucking door opens up. That waitress was in a fucking bikini with no top on. Oh, she was this. And she came over and gave me a lap dance. It was fucking, I couldn't believe it. It was just me and her in this room.

I go, how do you do this? She goes, I work here part-time. Oh. So I told him I wanted to bring you here as a surprise. I was like, Oh. What the fuck? But not in there,

that really fucking went down. Really? I grabbed her a little bit. You know, I trumped her. I trumped her. Oh, my God. I got a little monkey in the trump hole. I met the girl, the girl who catfished me, well, who I thought catfish me, and it was someone else.

She used to be a girl that hung out. She was like a hangar-outer at the improv. And I thought she was pretty hot. One night, she hung around a lot, so they love comics. one night I was at the bar I was drinking with them and she came home with me and I'd text with her and a lot of comics saw me leave with her and I get a text from

I think we had Ryan Stout did it to me you know Ryan Stout Brian sends me a text and it's just a link he goes check this out it's the girl I'm with you know in just a hardcore porno like just I had no idea and she was just getting like

it was like called like Coeds need cash and she's just getting like fucked by like some dude. It's just right after I've had sex with her. And I'm like, oh, but you let me walk out of there without, like, they all knew. All the comics were like, and no one said anything. And they just let me go home with this chick. And I know people are listening right now and go, what's the big day?

I probably still would have gone home if she said, you know, I do porn. But it's just like you meet this chick and you think she's one thing. And then you see her sucking this giant black cock. And you're like, holy shit. And I was making out with her. So what's the name of your tour? Where can these people get the date? It's called the Bingle All the Way tour.

It's at eddyift.com, I-F-F-T. And it's starting July 19th, and it ends like August 4th or 5th, and it's every night. And my new podcast comes out tomorrow. It's on iTunes, right? Yeah, iTunes. It's called The Bingle show, B-I-N-G-L-E.

You're ready to fucking go, Bingo. You're all bingo-gill. You're all bingo now. What's up with you over there, Lisa, and see? you made it. Another podcast, you were scared. I'm not. I was scared.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not doing nothing. You're doing it. Nothing's happening to you. It's all mental. You understand me? I'll tell you.

You're not like these fucking mental meddits. You're a savage. Look at you. You're a Jewish tank of death. Anyway, speaking of Jewish tanks of fucking debt. Don't forget, for all your supplements, go to Onit. Onit.com right now. Alpha Brain.

Listen, you try, you don't like it. You get 100% money back guarantee. How's that for you? Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. Bam! Get 10% off that motherfucker. You understand me?

Number two, do me a favor. Listen, and I'm responsible for this, for dressing like a fucking mortadale because, you know, for years, I dressed nice, but then I said, what the fuck?

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Terms and conditions apply But go to Lendingtree.com Slash Church I want to thank my man Eddie If for stopping in tonight You bad motherfucker I want to thank my man

Lee Syatt Don't forget bitches St. Louis Get your shit together I'm slinging dick Thursday night Helium I'll be there Friday and Saturday too

But the party starts Thursday night And then July 29th I'm telling you Every time they send me those fucking numbers there's less and less tickets. Don't fuck around to Borgata, July 29th. There you have it. I love you, motherfuckers.

We'll be back. I'll let you know tomorrow. All right. Stay black, edieifth.com. My man, Lee Syatt, have a great fucking day. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. Borgata still does it.