The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #499 - Theo Von

Episode Date: July 18, 2017

Theo Von, Comedian, co-host of the "Allegedly Podcast," and host of the "This Past Weekend" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/17/2017.
  

Welcome to Podcastville. The church of what's happening now, July 17, 2017. This podcast is brought to you by Onit. For all your supplement needs, Onit is number one. Aubrey takes care of you. You understand me? He goes deep in the jungles to get you stuff you've never even heard of, like the cow cow cow and the hemp horse protein.

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I want smoke. Oh shit. It's the church of what's happening now, bitches. Joey. Theo Vaughan. Lisa, yeah. What? I'm sitting in the morning.

I'm waiting for a hummer. And she's showing she's got BD. She ain't coming to the car. Because it only halfway. And Biffrault is looking at the window. That's Suzanne Bay. Drop me. Oh, man.

It's breastfeeding my heart right now. It's the church of what's happening now, bitches. What up, you filthy fucking animals? Uncle Joey here with my main man, nephew, all around, great guy, and hilarious comedian. My brother, Mr. Theo Vaughn, and my little fucking Jewish friend, Mr. Lysai. The Jewish jingle bell, baby. Johnny Hummus. Wow.

St. Louis. Thank you very much. much for coming out to the shows this weekend at helium. I had a fucking blast with you people. I really did. The food was great, $12 for lunch. I could move there and become one of those 600-pound man.

They're going to take me via cargo to Houston and shit where I feel every pothole in my asshole. Anyway, Theo Vaughn, what up? Good to be here, man. Great to be here. It's a special occasion tonight. I mean, uh... Yeah. It's Theo Vaughn's one year sobriety and where else to spend it here on the church

with two vagabond... Fucking THC smoke is myself in the flying Jew. Two fucking hitchhikers on the Spirit Highway, man. I love it. Congratulations, bro. Thank you. July 17th. I remember that date forever because I'll think about you.

It's fucking great. Well, thanks, man. You've been super supportive, do whether I, you know, whatever I'm doing, music or, I don't even do music, too. Whatever. You want to play the flute? Play the flute. You want to make noise, make noise. Joey's really supportive.

I make a phone call my niggas coming like the Gotti boys. You know what I'm saying? I mean, comedy or just chilling, you've always been supportive, man. So I'm happy. I feel I was going to go to a meeting tonight, but I was like, you know what? I'm going to come here and spend it with you guys, man. So thank you. Thank you for having me.

This is a meeting because that's what I thought. We're going to get more from them when you get at a meeting sometimes tonight. Because before the show started, we were talking about the use and abuse we were doing, you know. Yeah. Doing it and the scams and the mental things you go to in just the first year. I remember it took me 90 days. to just fucking realize what was going on, and I would go to bed early.

I'd force myself to go to bed early not to have that withdrawal. Yeah. That nighttime withdrawal. Yeah. How was it for you? Yeah, it's true. The lady you stay up,

the more you get lonely, you know, you can feel the wolves starting to kind of climb around inside of you. You know, that's how I feel. Like, I feel, you know, like they get these dangerous squirrels that kind of live inside of you. And the later you stay up,

the more they start, you know, kind of peeking their head around, you know, looking for drugs or looking for pussy or something. you know and I feel like if I would go to bed earlier you know shut things down like we'd get a book or do something calm light a candle do something that kind of sets my mind down a little bit that I would feel better that's what I started to notice you know so addiction is it's like a mental thing for you it seems like it's not like a I always thought addiction would be like a more

of a physical thing that sounded very mental it's both yeah it's both it becomes it starts mental for me at the end the last two years like I said before dog at 5 to 8 my body would ache no matter what I ate for dinner no matter what type of a day I had at 5 to 8 bro my body would start hurting

and I couldn't think I couldn't think except going to the ATM that was all that was on my mind yeah and as soon as that man answered the phone my heart started beating I'd take a shit and leave, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

When you came in here and told me the story about New York a year ago, I think that scared you a little bit that night. That made you realize, I've always thought about that story and how you said it on the podcast. Yeah. I always thought that you're very intelligent because you learned something that night. That was nothing.

It could always get worse, you know. Yeah, it just kind of affected. Like I showed up at Opie and Jim over there with Jim Norton at their show when I was fucked up, you know. Couldn't even talk. I just had like my mouth open. Daryl Strawberry's air.

You know, and he freaking, and I'm like Doc Gooden, you know, I'm out there. You know, look like I'd just been smoking the moon, you know. And I kept drinking coffees and I couldn't, I couldn't close my mouth also, which was weird after a while. You know, you can't even close your mouth and they kept giving me hot coffee. And I was just like, damn, man. I just kept thinking, you know.

You wouldn't, I wouldn't have chose to be in this situation. If somebody had asked me a year earlier, hey, you want to go on opium and Jim Norton? I'd have been like, yeah, I'm excited. And they're like, yeah, you want to stay up, do cocaine on like the night before before you go on that? I'd have been like, no way, bro, I got to be in top condition when I get there. But here I was doing that.

So I'm thinking I must not be making all of the choices for myself, you know, that the drugs were starting to make some choices. How long had you been doing cocaine at that time? Not that long, man, you know? And I just had a couple of, but every time I would get heavy into, it, maybe a couple of years, but just sparingly, occasionally. But when you would go, you would go. Yeah, when I would go, I would go.

And I started to notice, it was like, then it was, first it was like six times a year, you know, and then it was, then it became like once a month, and then it was becoming once a week, you know? And so I was like, oh, this is escalating, man. And that shit escalates quick, dude. Like, one night I left the, I was in my apartment, didn't, I was all fucked up. And I used to put on, I got in a box of vest, dude. Somebody had ordered some vests, and I don't know if it was like a joke or somebody accidentally got some vests sent to the wrong person, you know, but I got a box of vests, you know, different types of, you know, vest, shirts without arms, you know.

Yeah, different colors and everything. Different colors, different styles, different patterns, everything. And so I would like at night, I'd be doing all this cocaine and putting on these vests and shit and kind of, you know, like enjoying myself a little bit, listen to some good music, you know, some Aerosmith or something, you know, just, just vibing, you know. One night I was making a milkshake, because I don't like to eat, honestly. I like to make milkshakes more often. So I'm making a milkshake, and I left the blend, and I got the blender on, right? And I went outside of my apartment door, and the door locked, dude, right? It's like 4 a.m.

My blender's going, right? I'm out there high on cocaine. I got on this vest, this kind of, kind of tangerine, kind of, I guess I don't know what material it was, maybe like Moga D. Shoo or something, you know, something fucking kind of fly. So this thing's fucking going, dude.

There's only like eight units in my building, right? So I'm like, and then I guess the machine started smoking. The alarm starts going off, right? Now it's 4 a.m., dude, I got the, the thing shorted out, the, thank God,

the blender shorted out, but I got the alarm going off in the building now. I'm standing outside of my apartment wearing boxers in this fucking orange vest, got on sunshades, and then my landlord comes out, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, you know,

like just look at the shit that's going on, you know, and now I've got to tell him I'm just up going to piss, you know, like, so just things like that started to get weird, you know? I remember I fell asleep in some lady's bed and just urinated in her bed and she got angry, you know, and she let me sleep over, and I told, usually I tell people before I sleep over, that I'll wet the bed once in a while, you know, so. But anyway, man, it was, yeah, just wild stuff started to happen, you know, be over at people's houses, you know, just,

it's getting late you know you're touching some girls crotch outside of an apartment building over there and you know studio city you're out near the airport and you're like what the fuck am I doing you know it's not bad but I'm you know I did this already I'm still doing this you know

so that was some of the issues that I started to notice some of the patterns you know it's uh it's very sad when you look back at the stupid shit you did that it's true it starts on the talk

we were having before the podcast started is it always starts off recreational yeah listen man for me in l.a for me in l.a what's a good time for me in l. when i would get a call in 99 2002 dog you know i would get that call on monday and they'd say you have spots tuesday wednesday thursday and the old days you called on monday and tuesday morning they called you with tuesday wednesday tuesday she wouldn't give you friday saturday till friday at fucking two oh oh She would bury you until Friday. And you could keep calling. They'd go, I don't know.

Sometimes they'd be there Thursday. But anyway, that's not what we're talking about here. I would, you look at the week and you see what you got. And you planned. I would plan my, because for me, the best time I ever had in L.A. was going to the store, drinking a cocktail and drinking sodas before. I went on stage. And then I'd go on stage.

I'd go right out to the door man. I'd get four packages, $20 a piece. and I do two of them at the store. And you drink for free. Yeah. And I'd take one of the managers. I'd snort with him. We'd do lines in the managers' fucking office.

And we'd be fucked uply. Fucked up. I can't remember how many times I was out there smoking cigarette after cigarette after cigarette, talking Eddie Griffin and Paul Mooney and Bobby Lee was fucked up on this shit. And I'm fucked up on my shit. And Freddie Soto, rest of his... God rest the soul. I mean, there was, there'd be 20 people up there in circles that were getting evil.

Yeah. And drinking, you know, and you knew it. And every once in a while you caused pass, and they go, you want to go to back and do a blast. I'd love to. And they'd give you a blast of some shit they had. They had an extra 20 on them. And you bought one from them. Yeah.

And next thing, you know, it's 10 to 2 year at the store. You can't get in your fucking car. And there's no Uber. Yeah, there's no Uber. There ain't no Uber in those days, Lee Syed. And you're fucking sit. in there with two packages burned a hole in your pocket and you know if you ask somebody for a ride they don't want to kind of come in and shit so you're looking for a waitress to go home windows

i mean those days were horrible but there was so much fun yeah like arry would be up there although i wouldn't do get high when rogan was up there when rogan was up there man i had to leave i had to leave there was no fun but when rogan was out of town yeah if i was up there on a tuesday i get fucking lit if i know because i never like being high around joseph i had to It would make him feel really awkward. Really? Could he tell you in it? Oh, yeah, yeah.

He had a friend that was kind of crazy, so he learned from him, and Joe really loved him when the guy died. Oh, man, yeah. Yeah, everybody has crazy stories. That's the thing. It's like at some point it's not that much fun anymore, you know? And also it wasn't that fun at the store. Like, it was more like, you know.

Well, now it's out. Now there's a couple people snorting. Right. A couple people. But they're squirrelly, though. But they keep. it down, it's not when you walk into the hallway and there's eight

people's jaws going. Yeah. In the old days, at 12.45, you were in that hallway? You'd see people's jaws going, people double fist and beers and shit. Like a synchronized swim team, huh? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It was hopping down at 1245. And you knew you had to 1.45

to put away as much booze as you could. And that's what the goal was. And I'd start giggling those Jack and Cokes. Shit. Yeah. Those Jack and Cokes. Oh, fucking, oh my God, those gin and tonics. When I snorted cougallie, all bets were off. If you told me you had cum-flavored vodka, I'd raise my hand.

Wow. And put ice cubes in and dilute the cum flavor. Like that, that's what you drink. What does, like, the urge feel like when you know, like, when you're trying to quit or when you're like, at that point where it's not fun anymore? Like, what does it feel like to have, like, okay, I don't want to do cocaine, but like, I need to do cocaine right now? I think just like if you want something neat, like, say you lay it in the living room,

you know you got a couple of, uh, you know a couple of fruit pops in the freezer you know right yeah and you're like you just remember it hits in your head oh i got them fruit pops the odds of you stay in there and not going up and getting them 99 out of a hundred times you're gonna go get them fruit pops well i feel like an asshole whenever because i mean i've had issues with my weight for my whole life and i i relate in ways to your to this conversation but i don't want to say oh it's the same with mcdonald's with cocaine because i don't i don't know if it is but i just like is it like if you If you sat there, is like, are you young at yourself?

Go get the cocaine, just this one time. Like, is it the same kind of talk? Oh, yeah. Same kind of, if I do it tonight, I won't do it here. But I got $200. It's for the rent on Friday. Yeah, you're making deals with you. Oh, you start making deals with yourself.

Well, I'll borrow 100, and she won't know. And then Friday, I'll borrow 100 from Lee and pay the rent. It's a fucking horrible game. And, see, for me, it started out. Yeah 1979, 1980, 83,

it was fun. Yeah. It was out in the open. If you didn't do it, there was something wrong with you. People didn't want you in the room because it must be a fucking cop. Yeah.

You'd go to a bar and you could feel steam from people's bodies in those days. Like, that's how wide open it was. So your mind keeps thinking that that equation to a good time. I mean, in my case.

Right. And then it took me to kidnapping somebody. Right. You know, I was telling my wife last night. After the kidnapping, I come out. I wasn't even out of prison two days. And I've already had white powder in my nose. I mean, I can sit here and tell you they rehabbed me no fucking way.

You talk a ton of shit while you're in that. Yeah. But you are what you are. Let's be honest. I came out of prison two days later. I was snort and selling coke in the halfway. Damn. A month later, I came up positive.

You know. I mean, I didn't. give a fuck about consequences. I had to have it because it equated fun for me. Yeah. That was what it was. And it was fun for me. Yeah.

I think the same, man. I think it, yeah, it started out like, I remember first time I ever did it. Actually, I was in Tucson, Arizona, this dude, we walk into a place. Some dude comes up from doing a line and you only have one eye, right? This dude. Listen, when I meet somebody with one eye and they got drugs, I want the drugs he's doing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm like, and I thought this dude had hit that line so hard he could, like, suck his eye into his head.

Yeah. and I'm like, damn, that dude's having a good time, you know? Because I always like people that only have one eye or one, you know, unique people. Especially with a party with. And at the end of the night, they finally break down and tell you how they lost the eye. My brother shot me with a BB gun or something like that. But they're a good place to hide the coke. It could, like, put the fake eye with the coke behind it.

That's not a bad deal. But yeah, and that guy did, and then, yeah, and then I would just experiment every now and then. And then it just was around occasionally. I never saw. You didn't see that much of it in Louisiana. and stuff. And then one time of some dude, and then the gay dudes was always trying to get you to do cocaine because they was trying to, you know,

sneak into you. You know, they was trying to sneak into your body, so they would be trying to take advantage of you. And so they would always had it, you know, and you always had to like do it with them, but then like rassel them to kind of keep them off of your body, you know, or keep them out of your pants and everything. And almost, who knows what happened this one time, I was pretty fucked up. Thankfully, somebody had to go to the airport,

you know, otherwise, who knows what would have went down in this one bathroom down in New Orleans, but But anyway, man, that's the old days. And yeah, now I feel, you know, I feel whatever. It's almost as fun just talking about it. Sometimes I can almost get that high just from talking about it. Well, it's therapeutic in a way because you look at yourself from a different angle, the longer you stay away from it.

Yeah. The longer you stay away from it, you don't learn to hate it. You don't judge people who do it. Nuh. Like, I don't talk to nobody about it. If I say, I know it was getting high when I go to the store. I think of fucking 30 years. I go down and I can see if you, that's why the rap battles and stuff.

The store, they come out late. The cocaine people, they start about 11.15. You can see them come out of the bathroom wiping their noses and shit. And it's so funny that I told my wife this, that this is sad. This is one of the sad things in my life. I started comedy and at that time, anything went. Whatever you had, pills, coke, booze. Wow.

I didn't give a fuck. I really didn't give a fuck. Once I started comedy, I read a book by Lenny Bruce, and that's what I was doing, Tio. That's part of the patch. That's part of the uniform in the back of my mind. Oh, that drugs were part of the uniform? Yes, that's why that was 60% of my decision to become a comedian. Wow.

After I read that, the ladies and gentlemen about him at the Chelsea Hotel and shooting heroin after he'd been in a strip club doing comedy in between the strippers. Like, who doesn't want that life? Yeah. You wake up at 10, you walk down the village, you get a slice of pizza, come back to the Chelsea, You watch TV. You know what I'm saying like that? That's what I wanted to be a fucking... A rock star.

No, not really. I wanted to be somebody that just dropped out of society. Right. Like between Lenny Bruce and Charles Bronson, those guys, I just want to be a single guy that dropped out of fucking society and do comedy. Right. That was part of it. And I understood that part of that uniform was the drugs,

the circle, the guys I liked in comedy, the ones that inspired me to do comedy. They were on drugs. They were all biker, rock and roll, motherfuckers. They was on that drugs. Except for Andrew. Except for Andrew. That wasn't on drugs.

Dice, you mean? Yeah, he wasn't on drugs. But Tennyson, my idol prior, you know, George Carlin, they were all part of that fucking. Dice never did drugs? No, not until three, four years ago. He started smoking pot. Oh, wow. Watch his first special.

He puts weed down. Oh. He says, you smoke a joint? Another chink buys another building. Yeah. Something. I know that Jop buys another building or something. That's awesome.

You know, in 93, I got 91 I got separated, 92 to divorce, and I went to New York. And I had the same experience you had in New York only for nine months, CLEO. Let's be honest, the CLEO, I called him Theo. I went on a nine-month bender. That only today do I realize how bad it was. It was $25 a gram. And I could walk there. Man.

Is that a lot or a little? That's peanuts. 35 if it was uncut. Damn. Are you kidding? And how good was it? Because I feel like the stuff we were... It was 1993.

Dominicans on 181st Street, right by Port Authority. You walked over the bridge. You made a left. You went upstairs. You knocked on the door. You sat on the couch. You walked to the desk. You did a blast of one.

You did a blast of the other. You put your money on the table. They had electronic scale. Yeah. They put it on there. The assistant came over, rolled it up in aluminum foil, and you were on your way, tip-top, Magoo. Yeah.

I do, that bump would get me over the bridge. Yeah. If I had an extra couple dollars, I take the A train down to Port Authority down on 42nd Street, walk around a little bit, then take a bus back to Jersey, like a doctor. That's a beautiful. And the cops wouldn't even see me, because if they see you walking on the bridge 10 minutes later, they're not stupid.

They know what you're there. And in those days, if you did it with a car, They would pull you over. If they found Coke, your car was gone confiscated because you went over the state lines. Oh, my God. You got to be careful on the cost. That's why you had to go to George Washington Bridge and come back over the Lincoln Tunnel. Yeah, you got to be careful.

Stop for a hot dog, get a drink, go buy a bag of weed, kill time. Got to be careful, man. My father actually had a, I bought a cutlass 88 because my father used to, you know, he was just, he didn't have any money, and he usually lived in, like, kind of poor places, and he would mostly buy. as cars he got from a lot of brothers, local brothers, you know. And so he bought a cutlass one time, or Delta 88, I think it was. And they had speakers in the back of it, right? And my dad was, you know, 82 by the time he was driving around with me, you know.

So, like, I remember one of the speakers had, it was broken out, right? And he had, like, 12s or something. He'd gotten it off this black guy, right? So he didn't fucking know. And he could barely hear anyway. So he's just always driving around and had this car with these speakers in it, right? Just blast and, you know, whatever. What oldies?

This is probably 92, 91.92. And one of those speakers had drugs in it. They, I guess, had some crack cocaine in there. And they stopped my dad one time, found this in the speakers. And they impounded the car, man, took the car from him. And it wasn't even, you know, like I think there's an 82-year-old man doing crack. But he just bought a car that had it in a, you know, just maybe somebody had it in a speaker or something. They had some Chinese food in there, too, like some old Chinese food and some,

Nobody smelt it. Fortune cookies. No, like so old it had just been dried out. It wasn't a fortune cookie. You're getting your car confiscated? I don't know. I still got it at least. There's a kid who torments me.

Chin from Taiwan on Twitter. Oh, yeah. Chin's great. I cracked a tremendous joke out of him yesterday. He goes, Joey, I didn't like what you said. I go, Chin. Where the fuck you've been driving that fucking lift, Rickshaw?

And then I wrote, I still got it, Cox's like. A lift Rickshaw. Get it? Dude, I remember the first time they had an Asian come by us, right? They had a rumor. They had an Asian. The first one. About maybe 17 miles away from us in Hammond, Louisiana, right?

Where the train used to pick up. And so we were fired up because we'd never seen an Asian. You know, we'd seen drawings of them, but that was about it. And we were like, holy shit, dude, we need to go and we need to see him. And so I remember we cut grass. me and two of my buddies probably for six weeks. You saved up for a trip to see the Asian? Yeah, it was like probably about 25 bucks probably to maybe get a taxi over there.

And we got a taxi there and it was just a laundromat. It was like a dry cleaners or something. No Asian. We waited there. I remember probably four or five hours. And then we took a taxi back and that was it, man. And so I think for a long time I kind of had a, not a feeling of abandonment, but I guess I had some sort of a of abandonment when it came to Asian people.

Yeah, mistrust. Like they let you down a little bit? I don't know if let me down, but just didn't, I don't know, something. I'd have to think about it more, maybe with a therapist, but something like that, you know? You are out of your fucking bird. It's good.

You stop doing drugs. You do know that, right? And we, uh... Guys like me and you, we hear a natural drum on our head. You understand me? Yeah. And that's bad. You could fuel that drum with marijuana,

but all the other shit takes it out of control. Yeah. And then you get mad at Chinese people. I'm saying? He's just a dude in Hammond, Louisiana. What do you expect? 17 miles away. You think you would leave your house if you know white kids were going to smell you?

I don't know. If you see an Asian, you're going to smell him. By the way, you're going to throw him off and smell his neck. It's like how I always smell him to smell Lee's neck because I want to smell the hummus coming out of his neck. Yeah, you're going heavy on hummus, dad? Always. I guess, but I'm a little bit, I don't know what the word I should use. I have a little bit mistrust with Joey.

How often are you smelling my neck? When you walk, I mean, I don't sniff it on purpose. I could smell the hummus leaking out of somewhere. It's got to be your neck of your earlobes. It's got to be certain. I mean, you know, a Puerto Rican moves into your name, but you want to go down and smell the first Puerto Rican. You want to see why he's different.

Where you're from, an island. You don't even know where Puerto Rico at. When I was a kid and I met the first Armenian Karnik, until this day, I don't know what the fuck Armenian is that. It's got nothing to do with me. I don't know what the fuck Armenian is that. He's from Armenian Karnik. He's a great dude

It's got nothing to do with me Yeah I don't for what am I gonna go home And look at the globe for two hours On the microscope I need that I'm 13 I'm trying to find something

To fucking occupy my time You know I got thrown out of the Cubscouts I need this shit Now you want me How did you get thrown out of the Cubscodes Come on dude Pussy shit I got thrown out after the third meeting

Really? Yeah Could you see him in the outfit bro Yeah Dog I always For the fucking two or three years I wanted to be a boy scy I was always a fake boy scot.

Like I would buy the patches and put them on my jean jackets. You were, like a fake arm. What is that called? Like, a stealing valor or something? Yeah, like I was a valour steal. Like, when I was eight or something, or seven, I fucking put a boy scot thing on. People harass me for like years. Why do you have that on?

That's how I bought the fucking jacket. You got the slang and rocks badge. I swear to God, I was crazy. And I finally got into the fucking Cubscots. And I thought it was the biggest bullshit in the world. Like, you had to go to a gym for a month. and tie knots on a boat. What?

Yeah. I thought we're going on in the jungle. Yeah. And building like a tonne. No, no, no, no. What jungle do they have in New Jersey? I don't fucking know. I got something out there towards the north.

Bro, sure, told you a fucking adventure spot. Yeah. Then they dropped on the second meeting, they dropped that shit about we got to work and pitch tents. That's where it ends right there. Yeah. I go to summer camp, the reservations better be made. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

When I get that, I want no fucking misunderstandings. This better not be Jaroos festival down there with that white dude. You show up in that fucking tax. Fier Island does fire. Fire Fest. Fire Fest. That dude got arrested. Yeah.

They arrested that motherfucker for fraud, bro. He's young, too. Dude, I thought it. They throw you in jail for that shit. Really? That federal shit, unless you throw a ton of money in an attorney and for them to put you on a long federal probation. It was in the Bahamas.

They must have really rich people going, so they must have really expensive lawyers who were like, we got stuck on the Bahamas for a few days. Let's get us our money back. Well, whatever he's. is what he's going to use to pay the attorney, and then he's going to have to come up with the fucking money you stole, which is restitution, and while he's in jail,

he's got to think of that. You're never cut from the system until you pay that dime. Yeah. Your probation never ends. If you get three-year probation and your restitution ain't done, they take you to court, and they extend that motherfucker dog, and they'll fucking probate you at all rules apply.

All rules apply. What's the best crime you think to commit? You know, if you've got to do, do one you think based upon the value and the time that you're going to get. Right now in this world, in my world today, if I did not have the podcast, if I did not know Lee,

no, I'd have to have Lee around. You could be a little criminal, huh? I would. I don't think so, no regular size criminal. I would do. I would do. I would do a combination, bookmaking. I could do that. Sports information service combination. Yeah. Like I would be an illegal bookie,

but a legit sports. A doctor. A doctor, like giving picks and selling information. Yeah. There's a very interesting

series on Netflix called The Underworld. And one of the ones they did was illegal gambling and they showed this bookie in Jersey or something. But what they went to

is they all have websites now in like Costa Rica or something. Yes. So now the bookies are getting their, their, whatever it's called, their action

through a website and then they go out and get the money. But the website's the one making millions and millions of dollars. And it's legal there. Like, it was very interesting to see how it's, like, gone into, like, a digital age. You could very, you could easily do it now.

I would go straight up, bookie, sports, and I would also do a number. I would take it back to the Brooklyn number every day. Old school, $2. I get your gambling, $2. That's where your money's at in the beginning. $2 adds to $4, adds to $8, adds to $10. Next thing you got, you got 10 people hooked on numbers, and they're giving you $100 a day, plus your sports operation, you're rocking and rolling.

They can get you on the phone, you know, but in today's world you really don't have to use the phone, but they get you on text too. Now, how hard is it to keep up something like that, you think, like of people paying and not paying and stuff like that? Very easy. Yeah?

Very easy. In today's world, listen, you're not going to, you're not a fucking dummy. If I call you one time, even if it's Joe D as your friend, and they go, listen, I want to put 20 Gs down. Joey, I love you to death of my partner, and needs 10 of that. I don't even want my 10.

I trust you. You always got a story. You always got a partner. Yeah. In Connecticut, that wants half down. Anything over $3,000, I need something half down, you know. Yeah. So you're coming.

If they're real, they'll give you the $10. Yeah. They'll come bring you the 10 like nothing happened. And even if they don't pay you the other 10, you still made 10. Let me tell you what I was doing with Josh Wolf. You asked Josh Walt. When I moved to Seattle, I didn't know nothing about nothing. All I knew about for the last two years before that,

I was working by the sports betting service. I was involved with them for three years. And I wasn't one of the best. best salesman at all. But I was starting to get it. It was a shame. It's a great thing to do. A guy like you, you're pulling down 10 grand a week. Damn. Just talking to people.

Not baseball season. So you're going to make the first year, 40, the second year 80, the third year 120. But that's August 15th to February 1st. After that, you could stay

in for, I would stay until June, basketball. basketballs every day so you're going to get calls every day which is what you want you want to string them Monday through Sunday they pay on Thursday it's an easy thing can you stay on top of it

me and Lee could stay on top of it and a third guy on the phone and I would pay you 50% of what you pulled on the phone make your own hours but you and I both know you got to be football season you're with me from Thursday morning to Monday night until kickoff

that's the only way but a guy that dials the number a lot, that dials that phone, seriously. You can work Thursday through Monday and make $4,000 a week. That's square business. Yeah. If you come in there on Wednesday,

you really set them up because you start calling them on Wednesday and they hang up. Oh, yeah. Then they bet on their own Thursday and they lose. Now you call them again Thursday. They lose.

You call them again Friday. Now they talk to you a little bit. They day they go, fuck this out. They play Saturday early, college football. College football, late game. College late, late game. Now they need you. Now they'll put $2.50 on the credit card.

Plus, me and him are going to open up another business. Doing shirts. To sling the credit card, you got to pay another $10 just to run it. To run it. So he runs four cards a day. That's $40. That's a complete different entity. It's a scam in the half.

So what, just from the, like, why not just do, like, the sports information rather than take the risk of, like, doing being a bookie? You know what I'm saying? Because we're going to make money with the bookmaking and wash it into the sports information, knucklehead. Else you're going to do both?

Fuck, yeah. Gotcha. Yeah, you can't have a, I mean... Why not? Well, I guess if you have the information, and you can sell them the information. What can you do beside that? Rob a bank?

Can't. Can't rob a bank. Can't rob a fucking bank. Unless you're 25, you have weapon, extensive knowledge, and you know how to mix in, go in there, do it real sly. The people will get it, listen, you can make a living robin banks. Yeah. Going across the country, switching cars, you could do it for about two years and pick up seven,

eight, ten grand a week. Wow. That's it, though. See, that's amazing things. Let's say you pick up 16. Let's say you're going to get money that's, going to explode. Yeah. I mean, as soon as you pick up a partner or another partner, you're going for the vault.

That's where you need to know things. There's 20,000 cameras. We have satellites and we got those fucking things now floating around. So are the movies? As soon as they call 911, those cameras turn on those streets. Yeah, they're always on. The helicopter comes and you know, no, no. The cameras are always on.

But I'm talking about the cameras that are floating above now. They watch everything. In 10 years, you kill somebody. they're going to have everything on tape. In 10 years from now, it's not going to be okay for, where was the last time you see it? I saw him walking down Compton.

Let's go to the videotape, hit monitor number four, satellite number 4.83. That's what monitors Comston. You're going to see your fucking kid walking down the street and getting into what color van. And that's the way it's going to be.

The whole world's going to be on high security. I think that. Yeah, I think so too, man. I think that I worry that I wish I'd have killed more people when I was younger. You know what I'm saying? Because now it's even harder now. Because you look at some of these old movies.

Like imagine like the old days in the West. You could just see somebody if you didn't like them, you know. You could shoot them. They're never probably going to find you. Like there was no... Listen, did you ever think of this? Did you ever think of this? Every time I see somebody getting arrested for murder.

I think of all the people, mafia killed. Two dumb goons. Two dummies that go for Poston, their batteries die because they leave the interior lights on. You know how many of those murders they got away with? Thousands. Wow.

There's thousands of unsolved fucking mafia murders. And if those people got away with murder, they knew how to do it. We could do it. They clean up, you'll clean out your hands, you dispose of the truck, you take the body to somewhere, it's never going to be.

found or you chop that motherfucker up at the supermarket like Roy DeMay on his crew. They had a supermarket. And they go in there at night and they chop you up. Like the soprano? Like they had the deli? Like the deli. They had a supermarket too at night. And then

they also had a bar called the Gemini Lounge and upstairs they had an apartment and they would invite you over. Two guys. One would stab you in the heart and the other one would shoot you in the head and then they'd wrap a towel around you They'd all do it with their underwear on. So they'd know, let's close?

I would greet you with clothes on and go, hey, come on in, come on. And next thing, you know, when you walked into that layer, next to the bathroom, three guys would come out with fucking... And their underwear? Underwear and weapons? Underware and sneakers. What do you think? You think they're going to fuck or something?

No, no. You wouldn't even see them, dog. Oh, wow. They killed over 200 people in that apartment. Jesus Christ. Okay, so what they would do is they would come out with their fucking clothes on. they killed the most people. Put it up.

Put up murder machine. Not a video. Just Yahoo! Put up murder machine. And just look at this excerpt. And once you read what they did, like if you ever read the book Murder Machine, you will call me up and go, Joey, I don't understand.

Those people were fucking savages. I mean, when you start the month at zero, and you make, you know, 400,000 a month, you are a fucking, animal. These guys were animals. They were robbing cars. Oh, yeah. Sending them to Iran and getting $5,000 a car. They were shipping over 100 cars a week, guys.

Wow. What? On a container. I can't believe that, man. This guys were savages. These guys were street dummies. And when you read the type of shit, these guys did. Any of them, just popping and see what it says. That guy was deleted, all right? That guy, the Nino's fucking name. hated him.

The fucking boss that Gambinos knew what he was, but he was paying so much money every fucking week that he bought himself a fucking

mafia card. And then they just made him a captain. They said, don't even come. Don't even come around. They went to the Gotti brothers and said,

you got to get rid of this guy and they were like, we don't want nothing to do that. Wow. Like I was a straight killer, this guy was a fucking savage. And the more coke he snorted,

the crazier and crazy and crazier and crazier and crazier he became. But the fucking envelope was so big. He had a drug ring. He had a car ring. He had a fucking, you know, it was just, it never ended. So one time he had a kid that he adopted. The kid was Jewish, but he wanted to be Italian.

So that kid cut a deal with some Cubans. There it is right there, right in front of you. The Cuban had connection to the Cuban drug cartel raising the possibility of violence between the Gambino family and the Cubans unless Rosenberg was dead, dealt with.

The male was ordered to kill Rosenberg but stalled for weeks. During the period, the male committed his most public murder. The victim was a college student with no criminal. He was outside selling vacuums. And the male thought he was a fucking Cuban

and he shot him and shit. Yeah, this was crazy. But how they would do it Lee, you're ready, let's go back to the apartment. Gotcha. They come out with underwear. They'd stab you in the heart, shoot you in the head and put a towel around your head. Were there neighbors or no?

Nobody knows nothing. Silences. They owned the bar. So there was no fucking neighbors, bro. There's no neighbors. You think they're going to have neighbors and do that, Lee? I don't know. You got to think like a murderer, bro.

Okay, so there's not... They're thinking like a civilian. They take you, they drag you into the shower. Sorry. They hang you. Right? Oh, Jesus. They make the blood come out of you.

No, they don't. Yes, they do. They drip the blood out of you. For what? For sorcery? No, no, no. To drain you. Listen to me.

While your body drains, they would go cook. What? They would go barbecue and make pasta. No, they would... Read the fucking book. To take their mind off of it and stuff? No, to let the body bleed out.

It takes a couple hours, three or four hours. They would stab them in the neck and bleed them out. Then after they fucking ate, they would go in the bathroom, take them down and chop them up piece by fucking piece. And put them in garbage bags. and put them all around. So let's say they killed you in Studio City. They would bury you in Culver City.

They'd just drop you off where the garbage was coming to pick up, and they put a bag next to the garbage of pieces you all over, and now they take you to different dumps, and never again. No body, no crime. And they own the dumps, didn't they? They own the dumps. You're absolutely right. You're a genius, Lisa Ann.

So there you go. How many murders do you think were happening? They said these guys did 200. That's what they know of. Oh, my God. Dude, that's correct. Because, you know what's almost messed up? It's almost more, in a weird way, more romantic than the way you get killed today.

Today, some, you know, some MOOC just shoot you on a corner runs off, you know. There's nothing. There's no backstory. There's no side story. There's no. You want your death to be remembered? I want my death to be something romantic almost. Okay.

If you die, you know what I'm saying? Like, wouldn't you rather some be part of something than just, you know, somebody runs up and stabs you in the neck or something? Well, I mean, who is the guy who stood in front of the tank? That's pretty good. You could do something like that. Yeah. But then you have to, like, stand up or something.

Like, what do you stand up for? I don't know, man. I mean, I, I just want to, if somebody kills me, I want it to be part of, like, a bigger group thing or something where there's people going to be kind of fired up about it. I don't want to just be, like, some one-off, some drive-by shooting, you know? What do you think these fucking comedians will stick up for you? They call the club. The first thing these comedians do when you die, when they hear it, is they fucking go to fucking Theovon.com

and see where you're going to be at next week. And that's the first email they're sending to their agent. Let me get Theo's dates next week and fucking, uh, in fucking Houston, Texas at the improv. It's true, huh? Yeah. It's cold out here. It's cold out here to be a pimp dog. I was here when that dude was here.

When I first got here in 97, there was a comedian, an African-American kid. supposedly very sweet. He was doing colleges, but he was raping chicks in the college. Did you ever hear about that shit? Oh, wait, I did hear about this. He was always at the improv, at the improv in Hollywood. He would do a spot in twice?

He would do it every weekend? Vince? Like something, you're right. I don't remember. Vince Champion, you're right. I never met him. I heard of heard of hurt. He's still doing 20 a life, no parole.

He's probably getting ready to get out or he's out. You should have him on. I don't know. Why are you going to open up sore wounds? He doesn't want to talk about it. Probably true. If he definitely did it, and he seemed like he did. Yeah.

Look up Vince Champion. See if he ever got out of jail. The story I heard goes, Joey, that he, they, the judge sent this to him to 20 years and that he stood up and said, can you light me at 15? That's what I heard. How great is that? It was cute. That's all great. That's a joke.

He got fucking ass. You think he did? William can get fucked on the ass? When you go into jail for rape, bro. He didn't. I mean, I guess he did. Can people find out? He's a V-I-N-C-E champion?

Champion. It's not even coming up. Comedian. There you go. Jesus Christ. You'd fail on the fucking private investor. How many people are they named Vince Champion? You never know.

You never know to you. You're being the chef at the murder house. He's being the chef. You ain't doing the killing, Lee. No, he's not even on Google. The guy that was... Well, he's been in jail since Google even came out. Yeah, the guy that was the chef at this house, the Mayo house.

His name was Dracula. He was the cousin. And he would cook spaghetti. while you were hanging in the shower. They got some horrible things they did. Just to prove a point. Not to fuck with them. But they don't do they have that anymore?

Sorry, his release dates 2033. Oh my God. How many years did he get? He was prosecuted in Kansas. I don't know. It doesn't say. Pretty flat. I guess.

But he appealed in 01. So he's been. there for a bit. Can you imagine like that? He was resting in 97. I told you. As soon as I got here, maybe

a couple months and I never met him. I just, they said, I remember the name. Yeah. And that was, listen man, when I was, when I came out of here, I was still doing criminalities and shit. And once I got here,

he was caught up, huh? The more that I got into comedy, the less I got away from it. Yeah, I stumbled. I always had to sell some type of Coke to put 20s together, though. I'm getting 15 a spot at the Comedy Store, 40 at Willie Bar Sender's room, 50s, you know, I'm trying to pay rent. I'm trying to do a thousand fucking things. So, you know, you come up to me and go, I need a fucking eight ball. I charge you an extra 50 and take a half gramma and throw a half gram of aspirin and that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's, that was it. I'd pick up 50 here, 50 there. I'd pick up 200 a week from. I'd pick up 200 a week

selling coke you did what you did you know you just put it all together but the more than comedy the least I wanted to do it I was like fuck can you imagine I remember one time I sold a pound of weed this guy was a legit agent I had become friends with legit agent he was a pimp dog

this guy got the scam of going to little cities black guy no he was a white dude very handsome white dude very I mean fucking GQ type white dude That's fancy. What a scam was, he would contact, let's say, Des Moines Isle, and say I'm a talent agent from Los Angeles. When I come to Des Moines, Iowa, and see, oh, look at all the talent.

So he'd get two other agents from two other agencies. They'd charge each kid 250. They'd get there, bro. There'd be 90 fucking kids that had 250 of pop guys. And they would read the kids and tell them they had potential. And then they go, what we're going to do tomorrow is have a seminar. On acting for children, we suggest you come for the three hours, and that's another $125. And there's also headshots tomorrow for $250.

Wow. And they would rape a town. Plus, that dude would fuck young chicks. Oh, man. That was his bag. I did not know this. I did not associate with him. Yeah.

I would tell him, what do you need this weed for? I don't believe it all that. And he would tell me, I go to parties. Look at this. We go to these fucking, he would go to Florida and Orlando. He would go to Tampa. He would go to Atlanta, Georgia, all these places. And even a little smaller.

He wouldn't even go to Atlanta. He'd go to like a smaller town in Georgia. Yeah. And he would just go get there Friday night, get to a local bar. Saturday morning, start scamming people, and then sell the acting class. Then Sunday, they'd do a three-hour seminar, and they'd be on a seven o'clock playing with $10,000 apiece. And each of them would fuck some chick or a mom or get their dick sucked by a mom.

They had horrible stories. Wow. What happened to him? And he was my agent. He was one of the agents at this agency that I would go there and talk to. And one day he just started asking me, can you get weed? Man, he came to a compadre, and I saw him in action. I saw him drinking.

And I saw he was the real deal. It was one of those crazy white dudes. And while he was up there, I'm sure he was doing coke. And then I got him like, that time I got him like, an ounce. Then I saw them another ounce. Then I saw this one on for about six months. Two ounces. He was always one of those dudes that always smoked weed. He just

wanted really good weed. And that a couple times, he was like, we're going down to Florida for the weekend. We don't want to fuck around. Got me a half a pound. I would jack him $200 on a half a pound and take a half ounce out and spray it with water

to make the weed fucking swell up and shit. By the time we got to Florida, he'd realize I smoked three ounces of pot. Yes. today. You should know you didn't. Uncle Joey wet that weed like a motherfucker.

Dude, I sold an ounce one time in my neighborhood and almost lost my mind and fucking I couldn't handle the stress, man.

This shit was just too stressful. Why? I thought everybody's going to turn us in, man. And then I remember hiding in the trunk

of my own car for like a couple of hours, dude. And thankfully I didn't die because I didn't know you could die in your own trunk.

And I remember hiding in there and thankfully the people I was living with came home and I heard them part.

and I banged on the trunk and they let me out. I was fucked up, man. A lot of weird shit happened by us, man. They had a dude that committed a crime, right? And then ended up cutting off his own hands to try and not get caught for it. So he wouldn't have his own fucking fingerprints. Oh, man. That makes sense.

I can see where he was thinking with it, but he just didn't think of one step far enough. Yeah, because they can still catch you for it, man. Yeah. Man, I got away with that. I cut my hands off. but that dude was devian anyways And some families I noticed Joe over time

I noticed a lot of families Have the devil in them You know? You know what I'm saying? Or you don't think so Yeah Oh yeah That's just a funny way

Of phrasing it But yes Well some families have You know The father Something's wrong with the father Something's wrong with the kids Something's wrong with the

It's just the gene Something's wrong with the gene They got a bruised gene You know what I'm talking about? I lived it Yeah I lived it It's not as bad as, you know, you would think,

but I saw it. I saw it, and I lived with a little bit of it, and I saw some shit growing up that there were some families who really got it together, and you want to be a part of that family. And there were some families that you walked in their house, and you said, what the fuck? I thought my family was fucking crazy.

This is absurd. Yeah. And that's what keeps you in balance, you know? Let me ask you guys a question. Yeah. Because Lee's already starting to get red. Okay. Are you, Lee?

Lee, tomorrow the podcast ends. Okay. Okay. It's July. Right. You know what your options are? I got a job, broken out of you or whatever. You call me up, you go, Joey, I don't want to fucking do this shit no more.

What do I do? I'd say, Lee, get yourself those football sheets. Get the fucking games every Monday, every Sunday, go to a printer, make yourself 200 sheets and just pass them out at the comedy store, pass them out, and tell everybody they need the money by Thursday at 1 o'clock and see what happens.

Every week you pass out 200 of those things. You'll get $50,000 motherfuckers back, Lee, and each one will be paying $5 on that, and you make $250 every weekend on football. Fucking, God forbid, somebody go 4-4-4-4. That's where it starts. You got to go 4-4-4-4-4. You go 8-4-4-8, you're at like $10,000.

No. You don't know many times? People are going to go eight for eight? They go eight for eight, you move to Atlanta. But my point is this, Lee, okay? I know that, like he just said, it was very stressful. Right, yeah, I can't even imagine. That's why I didn't even buy weed as a kid.

When I sold drugs in North Bergen, per se, whether it was coke or mescaline those days or weed, it was with kids I had grown up with or knew about. Right. Like, they went to Horace Mann or they went to McKinley. or they went to fucking Robert Fulton and I played ball against him in the seventh grade and now we're in high school and they want to buy 10 hits a mescom.

Right. You're not going to jail. Right. You're not going to fucking jail. That's what I did, Lee. I sold the kids at my high school. It's not like I was on the corner going, pst, come here.

Yeah. And you don't know who the fuck you're selling to. You don't know who the fuck you're selling to. Yeah, you sold the people you knew already at local locals. When I moved to Boulder, I was fucking around, but I'd be working with people. Yeah, locals. And then I really heard that Boulder really had an anti-drug unit that was out there.

And they would mingle and take down college kids. And you would read about these weird arrest. You know, Lisa Ayak got arrested last night, 9-22 selling undercover cop. And I heard a bunch of these. The cops were active in Boulder. But you also got to remember how they show up. If you know how a cop shows up, you'll know the system.

A lot of people don't know how to sell drugs. And they go to a concert and they see someone, they go, you want to get met? What's that shit? MDMA. Molly. I'd say you want Molly and you go, yeah, and you go, what do you got? I got 22 hits.

What do you want for each of them? 20. I'll cut your deal 400. Boom, you're under arrest. That's how quick it happens. And guess what? You're doing 15 fucking years for that type of drug. MDMA and Molly and all that shit.

Yeah. You're doing time. And I know with, and I know the answer is yes, but with like legal weed, are there still weed dealers in California? Like, it doesn't make sense to me. Probably there's people that may not want a license. Yeah. For insurance purposes or for their job purposes, there's people who don't want to be off the radar. There's people who will tell their son, here, get a license and go buy me wheat.

There's that still. Yeah, I get that. Yeah. I still think there's weed dealers. Everybody wants me. could almost just mail weed to anybody in America and they'll accept it usually. Like I, every time I see more family

members, they just keep wanting weed. You know, they're just like, mail me weed, you know? I'm scared to mail weed. They always busted open. Yeah. They pop it here. They pop you right here. They don't even get to where you're going. Wow.

These motherfuckers at the L.A. Down there, what's the Cherokee Station? Behind 7-11? Shit. No, rob you at gunpoint. Those motherfuckers, those motherfuckers are I'd be at gunpoint Lee. Where's Tony Bennett?

Vigippin, dude, that was a big thing. When I was young, a lot of the girls would put a hit of LSD in their vagina, and they called a Vigipin. No idea. Yeah. Would it absorb through the vagina? Oh, I guess it would. We'll talk about this after the break.

We got to talk about this. I remember Big Shannon went deep one time on it. Pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. And she got locked in a, you know, Small bedroom. Somebody twice as smart. Cheers. Super friendly chick, though.

As I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who'll leave you to learn. I took a half of one of Larry's pills, couple stars, a fucking, uh, chocolate bar. We're ready to go here tonight.

Feeling cooking. You know what I'm saying? It's all about the Monday night loose. I congratulate you. So back to this fucking ass and the chick's pussy. How old was she? High school, you know, this girl, they call her Big Shannon. She was pretty, you know, she was, I would say, Ruben-esque for that time period.

This was also in 1996, maybe. And she lost it, man. She just lost it on this LSD, you know. And so she got. She wanted to stay in this small bedroom. We were all fucked up, and we were going in there and, like, pouring, like, warm water on the back and shit like that. We were fucked up. But that's back when some of the LSD would just, it would just make you do weird shit, you know?

Like, I remember we cooked a pizza and a dryer one time on Buddy's house, dude, made a medium pizza, medium... How to turn out? Peperonium mushroom pizza. We had a cycle at probably 15, 20 times, not that good. not that good overall there's nothing I want more in this life I'm 54 I got the girl at the house

that would be a shame I would love to take lead deep into acid murky water's old school yeah you know two hours of confusion yeah that'd be fine hours of hell and three hours of thinking about what the fuck just happened

yeah what about eight hours of hell it's two hours of confusion so if you're pop it at eight Right. It's two hours of what is this going to hit me? What's going to happen to me? Yeah. Is Joey going to watch me?

And then it's sick. It should be, our old school would be four to six hours of hell. Yeah. Like music sounds things. You see purple streaks. The dark arts, dude. Free lasers. Everything is funny.

You know, everything is. You go through two hours, Lee, that you are laughing, that you think you're going to die. Me and you will laugh and shit. We will fucking laugh at shit till we fucking keel over. And then we realize how high are we on. We stop for 20, 30 minutes. Then it starts all over again.

Now you start tripping. Now you start telling me what you see. Look, look, look, look. Oh, my God. The fucking face is moving. It's laughing. You're like, no. Look at my face.

He's blinking at it. It's fucking crazy. And then you slow down for two hours. And then I say good night. You say good night. Now you go home. can't sleep. Right.

Your wife is leaving. Yeah. It's seven in the morning. She's going to work. And you're sitting there thinking like, what the fuck happened last night? Like it's a very... For the cold rag on your back.

I can't go through that right now with this point in my life with Lee. Everything we've done has been very mild. Really? Oh, garbage mild. It feels very not mild to know. No, because you've never done it before. I would... I'm talking about shit that for...

six hours tomorrow morning, you'd say to me, what happened last night? Dog, we walked to 7-Eleven. Do you remember we seen the chick in the wheelchair? I mean, it's, every stop is laughter. Yeah, that was the good thing about... That's what, and things happen, like, things happen. Everything's a part. That would never happen before.

Yeah. While you're on acid. The universe knows you're on it. Yeah. So next thing you know, things that would never happen to you, what happened to you. The squirrel will show up. What does that mean? Okay.

We would walk to 7-11, you and I, and then be so high and so confused, that we would actually convince each other that we were hungry, and we wanted a salad from the fucking federal. Like, it's that type of shit, Lee. We like the federal. We ever talk about the federal? No, I've never been to the federal.

So the federal's on Lancashim, up the corner from the feet of there, where they shot Sons of Anarchy. They got a good fucking blue cheese, vinegrette, salad, and they rocks. Yeah. With little bake. I don't know what they have. And I heard they canceled it.

They changed the menu. I haven't been in a year and a half, two years. But we would go in there. Beautiful salads. Okay, go to the corner. Order everything on the menu because the acid is telling you you're hungry. And once that food comes. Can we even sit down at the table?

Are we at the bar? No, we're laughing the whole time. When the waitress comes, we're giggling. Oh, yeah. We don't make eye contact. We're like, ice team 11. You're just hiding behind the menu. And if she does a presentation.

Yeah, if I can look just. Let me tell you the specials of the day. Like one of those things, we will die of heart attacks. Like, you pray for that not to happen. You just keep saying fish and chips and a salad. And she's like, but it's my job to tell you. We have a flounder with artichoke juice. And by that time, Lee, you're either fucking ready to explode from the laughter.

You can't wait until she leaves. Oh, dude, I have laughed in people's faces on just edibles. On edible. So I'm sure I wouldn't do it. And then something very weird. will happen. I love that. Okay. Something very weird would happen. Yeah.

The hottest woman in the bar would just be black. Yeah. Okay. And she'd sit down next to Lee and I and go, I know who you two are. And me and Lee would just stare at her for a minute and look at each other like shit in our pants. And she would go, you two guys are from that reality

show on the baking show from Hoboken. And you and I would bust out into laughter. You know, that's the type of shit. that happens, thing. What about that night at the old ha-ha with the girl

with the bandages on her head? That seems like an acid night. That's an acid night. I'm surprised we even seen her ever again. The tip that took you to the bar? Yeah, that ended up being a hooker. Yeah, she took a little bar and then asked him for 50 bucks at the bar.

How much you want? We didn't even just... The freaks come out, man. She said she'd make me, like, feel like the sexiest man alive. She wanted to go to a hotel and watch a movie. It was the weird... I had just met you.

We were sitting outside of the ha-ha. He left. She'll hide your chin and her pussy. I bet one of them gals, you know. You think? She might have done. There's nothing better. She had a bandage on her head, though, so it wasn't good.

Oh, she's in it to win it hugely. Yeah, she got hitting the head. She's committed. Dude, she has a bandage on her head. She's still trying to fuck, dude. She's, you know, she's probably from Detroit or from, like, up in that area. There's nothing better than going out, blacking out for a little while. And waking up in the middle of that and being somewhere.

fucked up. You're like, how the fuck did I get to this place? And you panic for like 10 minutes. But then your addiction, you're like, fuck it. I got $16. I could get home. Yeah.

Are you waking up in the morning or just that night? Like just mid-party. You just wake up when you want. Talk, I was so fucking bad. Like a movie one player. When I went back to New York to do comedy guys, I was doing Coke six nights a week. God.

I was a gram. And I was in the city six nights a week. That's hard to do, Joey. But on Fridays, I wouldn't schedule anything. And for me to get a couple extra bucks and to have a good time, I would go out with my goombie at the time, Chrissy Fish. And Chrissy Fish smoked crack. He'd buy an eight ball and a half on a Friday.

And I'd clip a gram off him and tell him I lost it and then keep doing his. And I'd hold on to him. I was evil to Chrissy Fish, but I loved them with all my art. I still do. and me and him bro I would I would hook up with him with $6 in my pocket you know I'm no shame to tell you the truth

I could cut a deal with him years earlier him and I were dear friends and I did a lot of stuff for him and his family and he kind of like one day I realized I go remember that deal I cut you got me on those cocksucker I heard you sold this for those instead of this

when we were younger we did some ring thing and I heard that he made a lot of money on those rings Trust me, it was zero. I didn't lose a dime. Every dime I made was profit. I made good money at the age 18 with him. But once I found out, I always held it against him. Oh, I know what happened.

Do you ever hear me tell that story on Joe Rogan about Bonehead? Uh-uh. Okay, Bonehead was part of the DeLorenzo crew that I grew up with. There were three brothers who dog, they were like you, good-looking. If I show you a picture, Kurt, you'll go, Jesus Christ. He looked a little like, good-looking dude. I still got a picture him in my war on my office. and it was Kurt, Bonehead, and Chrissy.

Chrissy and, and, uh, Kurt were the fucking tututs. Yeah. Emil, the older one, had a little problem. He liked going into the city and doing a little bambia, but nobody, everybody knew, but you wouldn't know. Right. Because he was a hard worker. He was a plumber. He owned his own company.

So he was cruising. He just liked to go hard. But some nights, he would be light on money. And the two brothers were drug dealers. Now, I was in that house in that time. at all times. Like, that's how open the house was. I could walk in there, go,

Ma, it's me. And she'd go, oh, I don't know where the boys are. Are you hungry? And I go, yeah, and I go in the refrigerator and make an egg cream, take a sauce to sandwich, and I'd sit in the kitchen like there with my family. Yeah.

They were very good to me growing up. I loved them dearly. They knew I was a thief. Yeah. And I would never even take a dime out of that house because they were, like, fucking solid with me. Yeah.

Those latter years from, 81 to 85, 86. Oh my God. Solid, huh? So, this is summer of 83. 82. I'm clipping up a storm. I'm robbing with fucking four hands, I'm robbing refrigerators, I'm robbing air conditioners, I'm stealing jewelry, I'm selling, I'm going to Harlem and getting coke on the 35th Street at 18. I'm a machine. And most of the shit I dumped, that's hot.

is on Chrissy or his family in some way. They had a friend of the family that was also to Lutz, and I would bring him shit. He would get me jobs, case and joints out for him. Like, go get a job at this warehouse. We'll pay you 300 a week and let them pay you 200. Everybody's in on it. I mean, they were fucking a real family when I was growing up.

They weren't in the mafia. They were just fucking people who made a living doing what they did. Yeah. So at this time, I was very always over their house. I didn't know where they hid their Coke and I didn't know where their money was. The family at Coke? The two kids.

The parents at that time knew, but they didn't know. Right. The kids would pay the rent and the mortgage and buy groceries and the family was like, you know what? We know you're up to something, but we don't want to know. Yeah. So this is after the bonehead was the real deal.

If I could tell you my top 10 friends of all time that if I had to write them into a T. TV show. Bonehead being there. Bonehead would definitely be in there. Beautiful man, thin. Died.

He died. He looked like Robert De Niro in Godfather 2, always wore a white t-shirt, was a plumber. Was from my hometown, but didn't really hang out there. Some plums are pretty handsome, actually. This dude was when we were 18, he told us, you want to work tomorrow? He paid me $65 a day. Wow. To basically go to a building, carry shit.

And then he'd go take the van and go buy a six-pack of beer. I come back with a six-pack. We'd drink two or three beers. We'd go to McSolley's alehouse in the village. And he'd leave me in there. And he'd go into the village and get eight volumes for $10. He'd give me the eight volumes, and he'd go, I'll be right back. And he'd go in the back and shoot some heroin.

I'd go in McSolle's Alehouse. And he'd come out tuned up. I'd drive the van back, and he'd pay me for the day. Wow. I loved him. He always made me laugh. He had a girlfriend that. in the living room and they'd do heroin and they'd pass out.

So I'd sleep over some nights. I'd wake up and they'd both be passed out and she'd be sleeping with a pussy open. And I would just take my dick out and whack off right in the living room from her little monkey. I'm sick, fuck. I'm 18, 19. That's very tribal, really, if you think about it, it's probably very, it's almost sound super Italian. So I'm living down the corner of it. Yes, because it had to be 82, because I'm still living in, it's before September of 82.

I'm living at the runnies. And I hear somebody knock on my window. I look at the clock. It's four in the moon. I look up and he goes, Coco, get the fuck out here. It's Chrissy. I go, all right, hold on.

Let me get dressed. I get dressed. I go, what's up? He goes, Coco, I don't want no drama. Where's the fucking box? I go, what box? He goes, where's the fucking box? Coco, please.

Bob, Coco, I don't want to call my brothers. Get the fucking box. I go, I don't know what box you're talking about, Chris. He goes, I had coke in there, and there was $40,000 and a bunch of jewelry. Just give it back to me. I go, let me ask you something. How long you know me?

If I had a box with Coke and $40,000, do you think I'd be sleeping in a fucking basement right now? With $8 in my pocket. He goes, we got to figure this out. Somebody stole this out of my house. We walked back to this house. I sat in the living room with the whole family. I told them exactly where I was. They said, you were here last night.

I go, yeah, about 7.30. And they said, you weren't here at 11 o'clock? I go, no, I was home. I've been here for an hour with you guys. I stayed in that night. They're like, we don't know. Please tell us the truth. And I go, family.

many times do I come here a week to fucking eat and shit like that? They fucking grilled me, man. All of them. Like Coco, we know you did it. You were the only one that could have done this. You were here? I go, again, do you think if I had 40 fucking

Gs, I would be in that fucking house sleeping on the floor? At that time, there was nothing I wanted was to get the fuck out of there. We sat there to about six in the fucking morning. I went home. I finally talked my way out of it. They believed me. I went home. Chris,

fucking cried. He called me every name in the book. He said if he didn't get the money back in three days, he was going to call people on me and shit. He was sick and tired of it, that I was just a fucking thief and shit. This is after two or three years that him and I had doing business, and he's making a lot of money on me. Yeah.

Well, the fucking next day again, I hear a hornbeam when I go outside. And I go, dog, I'm telling you, if I took 40 grand, he goes get in, don't even say nothing. I get in the car. We go around the corner, he goes, I got to apologize to you. We found out what happened. Like I told you, I wouldn't rob you.

So I always had that on him. Well, his brother Bonehead came at 11. The parents said, we heard somebody 11. I go, no, I was home. They said, you sure? And I'm telling you. They said, it sounded like you. I go, no.

Bonehead went in there. Said, Kurt, Chris, when they went in there, he went in the room. But Chris was sleeping. Kurt was sleeping. He didn't want to turn the line on. So he couldn't hold it. open up the tackle box and just take the cash out. So what he did was he took the fucking tackle box.

And he took it into the Bronx at 4 in the morning. And he didn't want to leave him in the car in case the car got towed. So he took it out and he put in a garbage can and put garbage on top of it. Went up to the heroin place, shot some heroin. And when he came back down, the garbage man came. Yes. Yes. So he came clean because when he walked in, they told him what happened. that they had accused me,

they were going to beat me up and shit. So I gave me to him the truth. At least he did that. So from all the abuse he gave me, I always said to him, I'll never forget those things you said to me. So every Friday, it was on him. Thousands he would spend on me.

I want clams, I want spaghetti and shit. I want a bottle of this and get me a grandma blow. I'll give me the money next week. You know, he's going to get me the money next week. But he loved me. He really did. And dog, he would party like a rock star. And we would start.

blowing clams, baby. We would start at four, like two in the morning, we'd be out of strip club, and he would act weird. He would start making faces and talk weird to people. He got thrown out of every bar.

It was like hanging out with Tracy Morgan. It was tremendous. We'd end up at the weirdest place. One night, I went out with him. It became about 4 o'clock, and I started doing bumps. I think I took like a half a fucking pill or something.

And next thing, you know, dog, I wake up at 3.30 in the morning and I'm in the back of his car in a parking garage dog and walk out of the thing and I hear music and it's like a disco and a parking garage like on the 11th floor. Wow.

So on the 11th floor in New York you pull up and it's like an elevator they pull your car up to the 11th floor you drive it off? Yeah this was fucking crazy and we stayed in there until like 10 o'clock came out with sunglasses. We bumped into the chick that used to fuck Hey Meal.

We brought him back to Jersey Dona Chinsoon was the name. She was half Irish, half Chinese. Wow. Oh, my God. That was part of my drug and said. I would leave with him on Friday and get on Saturday. Saturday, I wanted the afternoon.

Yeah. That's a terrible feeling, dog. Yeah. That's a worse, man. But I'd have a gram in my pocket for Saturday night. And I'd still have 80 bucks. I stole 40 from him at the ball. You know what I'm saying?

When he was all fucked up. You get going again and, yeah. I didn't see. I didn't get super like LSD I remember was fun. I would always feel like I didn't like having shoulders when I was on LSD because I always felt like my

like my shoulders were like looking for me. You know what I'm saying? If that makes any sense to you. Like I would just just get scared a lot by them and I would have like a lot of audible trips you know where I would hear just a lot of shit like things far away

and I thought I would hear hear actions. Like I would hear like people looking, like looking at each other. And I'd be like, damn, those people are looking at each other, but it's loud. Like I would have the weirdest just kind of like I don't know, my senses

got fucked up. One time I was that my grandmother's on LSD. Some kids, some local kids gave me some LSD and I didn't know them, but they were being pretty friendly and everything. And then I remember I was so fucked up, I felt like I had to see through my hands. Like my senses were

messed up. So I remember walking around like this, trying to like see where I was going, you know? Like, it was deep, man. I got pretty deep at certain times, but these days, I don't know if I could do LSD. I think sometimes the memories of

it and the thoughts of it are better than actually doing it, you know? I tell you guys a story I've never told in the podcast. Summer of 70, I'm in the eighth grade, I'm going to be a freshman. My life was basketball. At that time, I was smoking Pot, I hung out with people

who did mescal, they were a little older than I was, and one night this dude Lefty Cortina had this party. And he was his parents with doctors. He's a teacher now at a school in Union City, and his parents had a party. And he invited, like,

really cool people. Like, it wasn't like you could show him what eight people. In those days, they called you, that meant come alone. But he invited this kid named Joe Lucci, who I grew up with that. One of the guys Listen to the podcast. Temi Holley's going to remember this.

It was the summer of 78, and it was Joe Lucci and this other kid that I just saw in Florida. I forget what the fuck is name. This Cuban kid. They used to call him Gonzo. Well, we were all at lefties. We were all kids, young kids.

There had to be 15 people at lefties, and half of us took Microdone. But whatever people did, that kid, Joe Lucci tripled. Like he was a savage. I OD at one of his parties. I was a kid. I had a bunch of quailloons and got snorted out.

I'm a professional. I'm a professional. I'm a bit of this shit, because I failed. You're an adult. Thank God I didn't die. But I'll never forget. It was like four of us walking home. And it was Joe Lucci and Gonzo. And it was me and I met maybe three other people, four other people.

We were walking maybe 30 yards behind them. I was a young kid. It was maybe 1130 at night. And we were walking in front of our high school. Mm-hmm. When Timmy Hollowe hears his story, he's going to shit. Joe Lucci was like an anti-establishment guy. Great kid.

His father had a bar in town. I always loved him. His birthday, we shared a birthday. He fucking ran up to the window, tripping balls on acid. The Board of Education had glass windows. He ran up to a guy's and fucking punched it. Oh, my God.

When he pulled his arm out, it just ripped his fucking flesh, Jesus Christ. Till this night, I remember him giggling. blood pouring off his arm. And me, I just turned around and ran because I couldn't see blood at all in those days. Yeah. I just ran and sat by a fucking pole over the light, like for 20 minutes, and then they walked

away. And while we walked path, that path, you could see the droplets of blood again. I went into fucking Zambovil. Those were the things I saw on ass to the first. I was kind of turned off. Yeah. I was like, I don't want to punch no fucking glass. I didn't want to do that shit. But I never stopped.

Bro, I can look you guys in the face and tell you I was hooked on acid after my mother died I did it every night I did it four or five nights a week you see the way I eat edibles I was doing acid the way I eat edibles I would need three hits of mescaline to get off because we were partying

Saturday every time I copped every time I copped 300 hits I'd find somebody to get high with it what are you doing bro nothing let's do a hit of mescaline today come on I got a testimony on biology fuck biology cut it yeah fuck it let's go let's go

Bee biology. Me and Dini Contair, we hit a microdot, and then after about, how you feel? Okay, you see anything? Yeah, no, let's do another one. Come on, you think we should?

Yeah, we pop another one, and then two hours later we'd be sizzling, sitting on a park bench, fucking two inches from each other looking around at, Martians and shit. Just fucking hunting wizards and shit with your face. Oh, yeah. It's fucking hysterical.

Dude, I remember this, dude. This dude, Steve would always, let us cut his hair when he was on acid. It, like, tripped him out. Yeah, if everybody, like... I wouldn't want scissors anywhere near me on acid. Dude, he loved it. It was, like, the thing that almost like...

It was, like, every strand was, like, a dick to him or something. He was just, like, he would just get off by it. Like, not really, like, ejaculate, but just feel so much joy from it, you know? I've never been a big mushroom guy and all that stuff. I'm trying to think of something else. But I'm going to tell you what I do miss. That happened on acid. I do miss.

sitting around with five guys that you love dealing and your trust with a sheet of acid. I did that one time. I got to tell you something, it was fun my sophomore year. I must have eight hits of acid the whole weekend.

I took showers. I went back to the lodge and took showers. But in those days, I wanted to be lost. I didn't want to feel the pain of my mother's death. What year was that? This had to be 80, 81. By 81, cocaine was really high

on my priority. I wouldn't go out unless I had a package. Yeah. Like there was no sense. Like, there was no sense. Like, I go sit at a bar and look at each other. Fuck you. I'm not going on unless I'm. So every time you saw me, I had a package on me. You saw me at a bar, I was holding, doing little bumps. In those days, it was a half gram. That was my recreation. It was a half gram.

You know, half gram is, when I quit, I could do a half gram in one line. Oh, yeah. I could do a gram in one and two lines. When I first started, a half gram would last me five fucking hours late. Little bumps on a spoon. That's it. How long when a half gram last you do you think? I don't really know what the different size amounts were.

I just remember I'd get like some little baggies and then I would try. At first I would just get one and then by the, you know, then I was getting more than one. And then I was doing one at the first stoplight that I hit, you know? And just stupid shit like that. How much was each baggie? I think $50, you know. Oh, you were a professional. You were buying 50s, I ain't mad at you.

Yes. And you went by three at the time? Dude, and one time I did eight ball or something. I don't even think it was cocaine. I don't know what it was. Could have been bare aspirin, dude. I did that whole thing by myself, dude. And I couldn't, I remember I couldn't close one of my eyes one time for about probably maybe 60 minutes.

And I had to put like a cold rag, like a wet rag over it because I was afraid like my eye was going to dry out. And I just remember being so scared, dude. A couple times I almost called the hospital. I remember Google searching and make sure I was. still alive one time, bro. If you ever done that? I used to write wills. I would get so fucked up.

I would write a will to my family thinking that I wasn't going to live the next day, man. Scary. My thing was mathematics. You would do math on it? I would do math on cocaine. I'd get fucking Hammond on Coke and I'd get a notebook and I'd start with 10 kilos. What if I had 10 kilos? How I'd distribute it and I would sit there for hours.

I'd go through California into whatever and I'd sell five kilos to a guy named Roy. the mail another four and this guy this is what the this is what the kilos would cost me and this is what I would sell it for and this would be my profit what if you got caught and they thought these were a real record I mean I was fucking retarded guys that was my shit

then my shit I was never a porno guy thank God yeah I got to know watching no I was never a cocaine porno guy it's not I had a friend that you go over there and he refused to take that shit off and it would to fucking drive me crazy yeah crazy you want to

show me a cum shot I'm in, but turn this shit off. Yeah. You know, I'm like the next guy. I got a little juice in me. You got a hot chick that takes a fucking cum laude to the face or the forehead. I watch it, you know, two minutes. I'm in. The next time I go to the bat from the pee, my dick is dead anyway.

Yeah. That was the thing that really got me that I think about now, that I cannot believe I was doing. Watching porn with another guy? No, no, no, no. What the fuck is wrong? What are you talking about? That's natural of everybody standing.

No, sometimes you go to sleep. You call me up, right? And you say to me, what are you doing? And I'm sitting there and I'm holding three quarters of a gram of Coke. Yeah. All right, and I'm a little buzzed. I'm like, why, Lee, what's going on? You're like, dog, my friend just dropped an A ball on me.

Come on over, do a couple lines. That means I'm doing half that motherfucker. Yeah. Who's over there where you leave? Nobody. I'm by myself. I would shoot over there. I would never tell you I had that G-bow in my pocket.

That shit's for later on. That's mine. That's for in case. of chick shows up over at Lee's house. And I would sit at your house, they didn't do the whole fucking eight ball. And I tell you we're out. Talk shit. You tell me to stop and get beer

and a bottle of vodka and a bottle of snaps and orange juice and two packs of camel lights. You tell me, for you to come over, get me three packs of Marlboro, get a case of fucking Heineken and get a bottle of Jack and three of those leaders of Coke and get three bags of ice.

Take an Uber. Yeah. Old school. And I come overly and we lock the doors. But now I show up, Lee, you got an A-ball. You don't have fucking petticoe Junction. You've got porn. Yeah. It's like that movie.

What's that movie? Boogie Nights. They showed up. The dude was playing the cassette and he was getting fired. Turn on, like, anything, anything else. There's people who had a best friend. The news. I had a best friend that we would get so fucking high.

Let's rent the shitty hotel room and finish this eight ball. And we'd go there. blankets you could smell the cum in the room and you turn the TV on and channel three the first channel was the most disgusting fucking porn you would ever see and he'd sit there all night and talk to you about his mother and his childhood and his dreams and the whole time some fucking chick skinny crack hole is getting fucked by eight guys in the asshole and she's all strung out you can see the needle mark's got a fucking legs and her arms it's probably wouldn't even TV it's probably a hole in the wall to the next room, man.

That's what I bet. Oh, those hotels were disgusting along the route. One and nine. Always the worst. From Bayonne going into North Bergen. Any motel, man. We did so much Coke at those

Citi. There was one in particular that I even lived there. Sorry to tell you. I loved it. The tip top. The domino. That's what it was in 80. I lived there for fucking a month. And they had a room that had jacuzzi.

You went in there. You could smell the diseases. You could smell the diseases. Hot crotch in the air. My friend rented it one night and got like two fucking skanky hookers, and I went over to the snort with him. I had to leave. They were disgusting.

They were fucking just disgusting. Yeah, that's a scary part. When some vagina hits the air, you're just like, this isn't even... No, those hotels are disgusting. You have sex at those hotels. You get a rash on your back for sure. Yeah. I lived in those things, and that's where the fungi toe, I think, got invented...

A staff infection country. Yeah, those hotel rooms... Jersey? rooms. And that was brand new at that time. That was maybe five years old, but the weekends were just people fucking from the discos. Yeah. That's all that was. People snorting and fucking. Girls telling their parents are going to sleep at Alyssa's house and go shopping Saturday morning. Fuck you. They're at the fucking motel of the domino getting high and getting banging. People taking pictures of and shit. I remember the big thing growing up us was to fuck like behind a tree like out by the lake. Like people that had this like one tree and people would always go out there and park. walk around and or you know or open your car doors and like

fuck behind the car door you know what where people couldn't see like you know couldn't see your bodies kind of you know I think because we didn't have like a lot of hotels and motels by us so you didn't either I had no none that's when life was fun

yeah when you had a date you know and everybody knew the deal you know grandma lives at them there's nothing you know to do in that house yeah and now you can't even you can't run to hotel until you're 25 So yeah, that means you got to pull over And talk her into pulling up her skirt somewhere

And it's funny because usually you start finger-banging them in the car and whatnot The next thing you know you're behind the car Because the only way you can bang, to be honest She's on all fours holding on to the hood And you're just back there stabbing them both of your fucking You gotta go back there and bend over and eat that pussy from behind To work that monkey Yeah, you're a party

In the wilderness? That's what you're going to do it How do you think she's going to get liquid in that thing? she's going to think what draw she's going to go there. So you got to start the party up by bending down, pulling up that skirt. That's old-fashioned that. That's fucking monkey till she's wet and you're wet, and he's just popping in there. No condom. That's a la Savage.

If I tell you guys something, you're not going to believe this. That's how I knocked up my first wife. I was in a halfway house when I knocked on my first wife. We were by a parent's house. I would go up there on Fridays and Saturdays, and I would stay over on Fridays and watch TV, them down in the bay they had the living room yeah but i wasn't allowed to sleep but they're very catholic but one friday night one friday night one friday night one friday night that'll get you

well uh we would go we would go up there and the pretense was that we're going to go hiking and one uh give this to lea just like that one friday night We went up there, and our pre-intenters were going to go for a hike. And we went for a hike. And we started making out, and right there on the property, I just bent the roving, gave her stabbing. Made a child, huh? Made a fucking child. Oh, beautiful baby, man.

Yeah. That's a child right there? That's a old picture I found a couple of weeks ago. Holy shit. She looks a lot like Mercy, don't she? Oh. You would die. I couldn't even really like, I didn't even really, really, really, uh,

It was. I looked at it, but I've never seen a picture of her. I was, I'm like, oh, my God. I was checking, when she was five or six or seven maybe. Jesus. Long fucking time ago. I'm proud of what you did, Theo, Von. Listen, man, I don't give a fuck what they tell you, because this was my problem.

My problem was deep down inside. I believe if I quit Snort and Coke, I wouldn't be funny no more. I really believed that if I stopped, this is the lie that I told myself. Leah, you're writing this fucking down. So someday when you're fucking writing your big novel, you can tell people this. My biggest fear was that the funniest, because I thought the craziness would go away. That thing that makes you push the envelope and not be fucking afraid. So for years, that was my problem.

I wanted to get out of the cocaine business altogether. But I was getting there. I'm knocking on the door. I just got Spider-Man too. I got a pilot with Louis Guzman. I got all this shit. And you want me to stop snoburn. snort now in the middle of all this shit and have a nervous breakdown now you gotta in my head

I was like fucking you gotta keep the machine rolling and if that's helping me book jobs guess what I'm snorting double yeah and that's what I made myself believe Theo that's a bad believe was that true no I wouldn't be sitting across from you I wouldn't be sitting across from you addiction means you you know what addiction means bro yeah when you get rid of it it means that your mind has 50 set more capacity to think because you're not thinking about that fucking thing that drove you crazy anymore and how you're going to get it.

I got to the point where I would wake up and you couldn't talk to me. What do you want to talk to me about a gig for a hundred bucks on August? Go fuck yourself. Unless you're going to give me a hundred up front for me to score today. That's all I cared about. When I woke up in the mornings, you couldn't talk to me by none. What are you going to talk to me about? Listen,

I got a gig in December. Listen, you and your fucking gig and your mother, go fuck yourself in December. I need something today. How are gonna make it happen today. That's the mind of an addict. You know, you didn't get there. Thank God. When you wake up from now on every morning,

say, I'm a, it's a beautiful day to be alive. I'm not doing that shit no more. And you know what? Whatever the future holds, the future holds, but I'm not gonna do that shit. Yeah. I'm not doing that shit. And just that's it.

And it's fun. I miss putting the coke rock in my pee hole and having some chick sucking. Ooh. That's five in the morning type of ginky shit. Yeah. That was my whole allure. That was my whole point in the night.

If I could get you to either put a Coke rock in my p-ho, if I could put a little coke on your clit and suck it. Yeah. And you look at me and go, what are you doing? Just a little coke to numb your clit. At 5 in the morning, after you coked out, a woman don't let you do anything. It's a fucking shame. Yeah, it's like being it says.

Yeah, I would never let somebody suck a finger in my ass. But one night at five in the morning, this chick was working that little muffling with a finger. And I didn't have the energy to complain. I was so coked out. I couldn't even. yell, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I just sat there and took it

because you've got to be a savage. Let me give some shoutouts here. Yeah, man. The fucking torpedo room, sleepaholic, Brooklyn Bess, the MMA Bible, Michael Fetz,

Devin Allen Henderson, Kyle Jordan, Biz Naster, Megan 715. And what the fuck is this? B-R-W-L-I-N-2-C, plus the dude who gave me the nutsack fucking protector in St. Louis,

plus the little fucking dude who gave me a container weed who gave me a note, which the note is in my wallet, and I'm too fucked up to go over there and get it. Don't forget Wednesday night, the Ice House, working out with Uncle Joey. I got some shit I want to talk about. And then the 29th of July, listen, they called me today.

There's like 50 fucking tickets left. so you better get your shit together but I think they're going to open up the back so let's pray that they open up the back and extend it the board God of July 29th let me talk to you people about something some about my man over here at the Elvon

do you think since you've gotten off it that the quality of your life has improved? Yes that's the most important thing because about a couple weeks ago you called me and you still let me run something by you and you were concerned, you go,

I got a week in Vegas, but they just offered me this thing in Montreal, but they didn't bump me up. They didn't give me a bump. They gave me the same three-minute sets, and I told you, I said, listen, I'd never been to Montreal. If I had paperwork and I got invited, I would go at any caliber,

because right now only good things could happen to you. The worst thing that could happen is what up there? The only thing that could happen is you're going to go up there and fuck them up to Yovine. That's all that could happen. Yeah. And get repercussions. come back, maybe pick up new representation,

maybe pick up a production deal, maybe somebody wants to do a show with you, to go into that realm and to have cocaine on your fucking thing, you don't want to carry that monkey on your back. Trust me, I did it for my first fucking 12 years here and what did it get me, nothing? It got me rolls and shit

because I'm a fucking savage in those audition rooms. But I was always walking around pale. I got sickly, I got overweight, now I have a mind, I have reason to think, you know. So you're on the path, man. And I congratulate you. And I hope you go to Montreal and show these bitches what they're looking for. Thanks, man.

Yeah, I appreciate that, man. I always appreciate you checking in. And I appreciate the guidance too. I can't see a guy like you are not having an HBO special. I can't see a guy like you. I can't see a small network either giving you a hosting gig. Listen, who the fuck wants to do a camera gig or hidden camera gig? I don't want to do that shit anymore.

Yeah, not anymore. You're too good looking. You're too old. Right now you're going to be the fifth guy on a sitcom, you know, you should be the fifth guy on a sitcom, whatever. Yeah. Recurring six episodes per season. You know, you're sitting in this town and you go, listen, this is what I should be doing. This is what I would be content with.

Remember, there's no part of me that wants to be a... millionaire. I don't want to drive a BMW. I don't want to be that dude. I just want to coexist, support my family, and I'm very happy. I know where I've been, dog. I know how dark it is on the other side. I'm very content with the little fucking thing that's going on right now. I'm not like anybody else. You don't see me doubling up on. This is a journey, dog. Why kill yourself?

These clubs are going to be there next year. Yeah. Write your material. Take care of your shit. See what L.A. to offer you because like I always tell me why fucking live here if you're not going to be in films and commercials yeah I live you'll do you do this out of New Orleans yeah you can move to New Orleans and they'll fly everywhere and they'll throw you off the plane when I enculpa how you do at least I at my brother I'm doing pretty good I'm doing pretty good speaking of planes do you see that the plane got sent down because of a fart dog how crazy does that happen it happens man it's the best art of

I want to enjoy to read it because it's probably the bet. No, I saw it today and people sent me fucking 22 links to it. By the way, my suspension on Facebook is over. My suspension on Facebook is over. My suspension on Facebook is over. Thank God. They were trying to fuck with me those people. God damn them.

But no, man, I'm very proud of the year that you've done. This has probably been a tough year for you. I know you work on yourself or not. I know you suffer from anxiety like I do when you deal with it. Yeah. And how many meetings you're going to a week? I'm probably going four. Are you fucking them up at the meetings?

You make them laugh from time to time? Sometimes. But sometimes I got to be careful not to get caught up in that kind of stuff because, you know, I want to make sure that I'm being a part of what's going on. No, you're just a funny guy just talking. Yeah. But sometimes, yeah, people start talking, you know, the other day, you know, there's a black guy. I'm a bill and always calling me the N-word and stuff.

and I'm telling them about that and how it's upset at me and people are laughing so sometimes you just don't even know what people are going to laugh at you know but but I mean yeah I go and it's good man

it's a good sense of brotherhood I mean some of the reason I get in there is because I need some structure in my life you know that was the thing like I never had anybody like my whole life

I made every decision no one's ever told me anything to do or any why to do something or not to I mean I feel like I've never had anybody I've never listened to anybody or cared to really

so you know a lot of that I'm just learning how to coexist with others and to listen to other people to take direction. And, you know, sometimes I feel like a kid again, but sometimes I feel like more like a man, you know. And it's a journey, bro, and I'm happy to be on. And, like, I'm one of those people that kind of, I feel like I want to experience everything a little bit, you know, which is maybe one of the reasons why I even used to do cocaine or party, you know, like I would put myself in crazy situations because I just wanted to have a story.

I wanted to experience, you know? I just want to, I just want to, I want to be a part of the story. I just want something. I need something, you know? So it's nice to try and not need something and just be. But you checking in with me, man, makes me feel good. And, you know, it's things like that that make me feel supported and stuff like that. And I appreciate it, man.

And even just getting to know, you know, you know, I've met some neat people through you and getting to know you. And it's inspiring also to see some fucking hammers on the stage again, you know? No more of these joke writing mathematicians. Let's get some fucking slinging dick out there. And let's see some entertainers, bro. I'm sick of this. You need to support entertainers, man. Quit supporting all these fucking Muppets, you know.

You got away with words, brother. Sometimes. I'm learning from you tonight, man. And it's good to see you, bro. I always love seeing you, I'm disappointed. I'm happy for you that you're going to Montreal, but I'm going to Vegas next week. So, I'm disappointed, but next time.

We would have been there together. Why are you going to Vegas? Friday? It's your birthday, this Friday, correct? Thursday, yeah. Nice. And you'll be 29 years old. You know.

Yes, sir. Wow. You know that people at home know that I torment them with the edibles and shit. I'd explain myself last week that if I didn't do these things, there's a part of me that looks at Lee, and he knows I love him to death. And I'm happy he has a girlfriend. It bothers me when he talks about marriage, you know, because he's not ready at all by no means. He'll be ready when he's 34, 35. He has to play this hand.

doubt he'll see if he wants to open up his own business. But the other part, I always wanted Lee to do something, you know. He's not the type that's going to criss-cross the kind of Thailand, like Ari Shafir. Yeah. Lee's not going to do nothing like that. You know, so the last five years,

I've been trying to get Lee to find something that's an adventure for him. A little extra, yeah. A little something, you know. They threw them off the fucking line. I was not going to throw it off the zip line. People keep sending me. Let's not bring it up. We don't need to always.

put up all source. But it's weird how... Champions of Blender. You know, I look at my life some of the time that's pitiful. Last night I laid down, and I thought a part of my life. It was so disturbing, actually, how to get up of my robot and go in the fucking office and sit there for an hour. Wow.

I had to actually fucking take it like a valium or Xanax, a little white 2.5. Because I thought about something that I don't know how I'm going to attack something I did in my past that I could either avoid it or confront them in the next year. or so and explain what I did why and maybe who the fuck knows

and I'm tight with this person I feel fucking horrible you know what I'm saying that I have to confront them and shit I bet they'll understand man I think anybody would understand coming from you you know no it was at a fucking bad time

and people do weird fucking things you know I get it I fucking get it big time there's times in your life a divorce shit like that that I went through I didn't know that

I found out years later that even the divorce fucked me up a little bit that made me do a couple little fucking outlandish type things you know so I want to go straighten up with them

and that's it man I'm just trying to put the pieces together just like you brother good for you man I'm happy you got you one thanks too I got my 10 without blow dude that's huge man

I mean, that is huge. If you fucking think, I remember that was a time that I had accepted it. Like in 93, once I accepted comedy, I said, listen, part of this comedy deal is I'm not going to fight this inner demon no more. This bullshit are getting high. And then for four days, shaking and it's not worth the aggravation. Either I'm in or I'm out. I got no responsibilities. I got zero responsibilities.

I'm a nomad. I live on a pager. I got a P.O. boxing boulder and I got a $400 a month apartment. That's my bills. I had a $500 a month a nut. I had a fucking car that all you had to do is

change the y'all in a dog. I became a fucking nomad. You know what I am? And part of that nomad is that all those songs you hear about life on the road and wanted dead or alive by Bon Jovi or that's what it became for me.

To become a fucking solid comic you got to go back to fundamental. and sometimes you got to go to hell and do comedy. And really, like, I came out here and I thought I was Johnny Slick from Seattle. And I had enough to do spots at the store at 1 o'clock. But I didn't really have, I got eating alive at the improv. Yeah.

Between Doug Stanhope and Nick DePaolo, I felt and I saw the holes in my game. And I knew to get those holes cleared, you got to go to hell. Buffalo, you got to go to all those towns. And once you rock them, you come back to our lives. lay in a year and see what happens.

That's a training camp. And I just took everything I could. Michigan, Ohio, Atlanta. Yeah, that's what I've been doing. Tampa, you know, I would do whatever I could. By Myrtle Beach, and I lived week to week. Every Monday, I sent out faxes,

200, 100 faxes, and I get a week somewhere. By Tuesday, I'd get a week somewhere, fucking Theo Vaughn. It was crazy. There was somewhere. I got a week. In fact, I was just telling, I was in St. Louis last week. And I went there the year before,

and I went to the year before with Ari. But before that, I hadn't been in St. Louis since 2000. Wow. I was on the road living like a nomad with this broad. Me and this broad are on the road as a headliner feature act. We're not fucking,

but we're fucking like savages and snort and blow, really. But we're actually sleeping in separate hotel rooms. but I would stay in her to hotel room until 5. We'd do everything. She was crazy. I loved, I still do. And we got a call from Roger Paul.

You know what that is in New York? I think I was kind of week for you in St. Louis. Call me back. How much is it? 500. The feature gets 250. That's it in those days. We were like in fucking Miami.

We got that car and drove up to Fairview Heights, Illinois. It was a hotel. Then there they had a comedy club That was part of a Yoda run Yoda also booked it And the owner booked it I think the guy's name was Paul Mm-hmm

Fucking Johnny Banana is over there Lee knows the brood I'm talking about We walk in that place On a Wednesday It's Wednesday through Sunday You know, those places give you three beers A night Those places give you three beers a night

I got a hookup for Coke As I got there First night Somebody at the club I was selling 40s for, you know, it was like seven-tenths of a gram. And I got an advance of $200. I figured I'd walk with $300.

$200 would last me the whole week. They gave you free breakfast at the hotel. Yeah. The club gave you dinner. So all I had a scavenger for in those days was a lunch, which is a subway veggie and cheese. I went light those days, you know what I'm saying? Bag of chips.

A combo was a fucking big day. Like, you got a combo for lunch? Sometimes I'd have to get the 12-inch and eat the one for lunch and the other one for dinner. Yeah. So if I had Guitus to eat one 12 inch for lunch, those are big time days right there. I was living big, you know what I'm saying?

I got a 12 inch and shit like that. Living large. Oh my God, those days, I think about those days and how I lived. And she kept drinking more than three beers a night. Yeah. And she just kept putting him on the tab. I put him on my tab.

And that Saturday I hear somebody crying in the green room. They gave her a tab, bro. Wow. She drank her. salary, Lee. Damn. She drank $250 and four nights.

How much could a beer be? I have no idea. She ran out of that crying. I had to give her 100 bucks just to stop crying. Eat her pussy for two hours. Just to get her to stop crying. It was horrible not having a blister under my tongue.

Yeah, that sounds horrible, too. Tremendous fucking point. You're really a humanitarian, Joe. Come on, dog. I'm like Muhammad Ali in a fucking... I love you, Joe. Thank you. Theo Vaughan, what are you going to be?

What's your dates? What are your plans? These people love you. They love when you come on. They're going to be fucking ecstatic about you, about what's going on in your life. Yeah, man. What's going on with Montreal?

I want to thank your fans that have come out. We have a big Canadian followership. Oh, good. So I want them to go to Montreal. They live close to Montreal and come see you. What shows are you doing this part of Montreal? You know what? I don't even know yet, but I'll put them on my website at theovan.com slash tour.

and I know it's the 27th through the 30th of July. This Thursday, the 20th, I'll be at the House of Blues. Where? In San Diego with Sal Volcano from Impractical Jokers. And then August 10th through 13th, I'll be in Dallas at the Addison Impro. Oh, shit. My favorite club, bro. Pork belly sandwiches across the street.

You used to have a taco place downstairs. Let me tell you something. Addison Improb was one of my favorite clubs. The new manager of me. Don't see eye to eye. So what are you going to do? The room is great. The room is fucking tremendous.

Let me explain something to you. Me and Lee both love Blue Apron. Lee, tell these people about your experience of Blue Apron. What did you like the most about it? I've loved learning how to cook. And I got my dad hooked on cooking too. He's doing the family plan just for himself. He loves it so much.

That's what he's doing every night? Yeah, he does it every night. He cooks it for lunch? He eats it for lunch and dinner. This beautiful thing. Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone.

Blue Apron achieves this by supporting a more sustainable food system, setting the highest standards for ingredients and building a community of home chefs. Do you understand me? Not only are you cooking, but you're learning how to cook. It's affordable for less than $10 per person per meal. Blue Apron will deliver seasonal recipes along. with proportionate ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meal. Choose from a variety of new recipes each week,

or let Blue Aprons culinary team just surprise you. Bam, Lee loves to be surprised. Recipes are never repeated within a year, so you'll never, ever, ever get bored. They're going to customize your recipes each week based on your preferences. Blue Apron has several delivery options, so you can choose which one fits your needs, just like that. and there's no weekly commitment,

so you only get deliveries when you want them. Bing, bang, boom. Each meal comes with a step-by-step, easy to follow, recipe card, proportionate ingredients that can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. You can do that, take a shower, check on it, you know what I'm saying? Blue Aprons, freshness guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arrives ready to cook,

or don't make it correct the moon, though. That's what Lisa they liked to bottom the most. Check out this week's menu. Hit them, Lee. Oh, they have a great many this week. They have spicy lamb and beef noodles. There you go. That come with peppercorns and mushrooms.

And then they have a seared chicken and tomatoa salsa with sweet corn and rice. And then they have chili butter steaks with parmesan potatoes and spinach. All right. Listen what I'm going to do. Get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blowapen.com slash Joey. You're going to love how it feels and how it tastes. and you'll love creating incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. So listen to me, take advantage of this.

You're going to love this, all right? That's blueapen.com slash Joey. Again, blueapron.com slash Joey. Blue Apron is a better way to cook, especially if you're single. You know what I'm saying? Why have all that stuff? This is your budget. This is tremendous.

Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Listen, you know me, dog. I'm no muscle McGoole, but I take my protein, I think my hemp was protein seriously. The alpha brain is tremendous for you, especially when you want to think outside the box and the Shroom Tech Sport. If you need a little boost when you work out at the gym,

this is what you do. You know what? But you got to go to Honet to get that. Not only do they have supplements, they got the bats, they got the kettlebells, they got all the great stuff, I can only throw you a little 10% discount of supplements. So do me a favor.

Go to Honet.com and look at the great selection of supplements they got on there. They've been with me since day one. I get a shipment every month. I love what they send me. Give it a shot. Take a chance Columbus did. You're at the gym.

You're on your backing. You can't breathe. Let me tell you something. You take one of those shroom tech sports. You're fucking breathing like a savage. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. Boom.

C-H-U-R-C-H. And get 10% off your first order delivered to your house. All right? That's a deal you can't refuse. Again, I want to thank Theo Vaughan. I want to congratulate him on the E-I also want to congratulate him on the Montreal Comedy Festival. If you're up there, please go to one of his shows and come over and shake his hand and tell him you heard about him at the church. It makes his dick call.

He's a good-looking guy. Maybe he's a single. You know what I'm saying? Maybe you want to switch governments, whatever. Yeah. Maybe you want to suck some American dick old school Louisiana cock. Theo Vons coming to a town close to you and shit. I hope you don't have a girlfriend.

Amen. I don't, man. I got some organized cock. He single, mingle, and ready to be a town. single mingle and ready to get chlamydia. Yeah, clap it up. I love you, motherfuckers. Wednesday, 5th 100 episode, 4 p.m.

We have a superb guest. You know what I'm saying? Like, we always got superb guests. But this is a great fifth hundred episode. He's hooking me up, doing me a great favor. I love you, motherfuckers. See you Wednesday night at the Ice House. Stay black.

God bless you. God bless you.