The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #501 - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

Josh Wolf, comedian snd host of the "Fairly Normal" and co host of the "Prinze and the Wolf" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/24/2017.


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Like I told you, Lisa Atts here. Hello. Bad as fucking juices, Jesus. I went to Dan Tanas. I took your advice. I went to a good restaurant. The best. And I have to give a quick shout out to Chance and his brother.

We were down there for my birthday. I had done a little work with him before. He said, hello. The waiter with the red jacket came up at the end and said, this nice gentleman behind you bought you dinner. So I just wanted to say thank you on my birthday. It made it really special. Wow.

That's very cool. It was an expensive dinner, too. It wasn't Subway. What did you have? No, it wasn't Subway. I had the Caesar salad that they make to order. Delicious. Delicious.

I haven't had that. They put anchovies in that motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, maybe the dressing. They didn't have, I didn't see any on my plate. Okay. And then I just got the chicken parm. And I was, I had to take, like, half the chicken farm home.

And I was on. Big fucking chicken. I was on stars and I had to take it home. They beat the fuck out of that thing. That's a big piece of chicken in there. What a Paula Petrolunga have? She had the, what is it called? The, uh, carbonara.

Nice. So, yeah, that was. How many pieces of bread did you destroy with the butter? You know what? Because that's the shit in there. Oh. There's just some places that you tell carbohydrates I'm with you tonight. I ain't got to fuck around.

There's some places a waste of time to eat the bread. You know, if you got fecchio bread with olive oil, don't even give it to me. Don't even bring that garbage over here. I like that. No, I don't want fecchio bread. I want hard Italian fucking bread. Or you got to rip it. Yeah, with stick butter like original joes.

When you go to original joes, they give you that hard bread in the beginning. You open it up. The steam comes out of the inside. They give you that hard. Yeah, but you know that hard butter. Did you know that hard butter, you either get way too little or way too much? No, no, I tell them from the beginning. Listen, I want my heart to blow up.

Bring an extra batch of butter, cocks off. No, dog, let me tell you something. I knew at the age of 16 or 17, I knew that that tough guy shit was not going to exist in my life. There was a period that for a while I thought about it, and I'm like, this isn't my game at all. that punch to the face, that liver kick, getting stabbed. That ain't for me, man. That getting stitched up like Patrick Squazy with no penicillin in that movie Roadhouse and he's just hanging out.

That shit ain't for me. I'm sorry. And so for some people it works fighting and all that shit. I go to jih Tzu and my heart beats the whole time. But that's why I think everybody alive should get hit in the face at least once. Because that way you know like, oh, yeah, I don't. like that. Do you know what I mean? That way there isn't all that, I don't think there's

if everyone got punched in the face at least once there wouldn't be all that yammer at each other because the people who didn't like to get punched in the face would be like, yeah, I'm not going to take a chance on getting fucking whacked in the face. I hate, I told you the last fight I was in, I get hit twice once in the face and once in the back of

the head because when he hit me in the face, I started to run away and he hit me once in the back of the head. That's how little I like getting punched in the fucking face. Are there people who you grew up with who like getting in like legitimate fist fights? Yes. Because, like, UFC people, like, they're like martial artists. They, they fight, but, like, oh.

No, I had a buddy of mine who used to, he loved to fight. What? That's what he would, when he went to a party, that's what he was looking to do. The rest of us were looking to looking to get laid, right? And he was looking, he was going to get in a fight. I was just happy to be there. Yeah. It's a party.

And he had to know guys that look for fights, right? All the time. What? All the time. Why? Yeah. Because that's what they, that's how they define who they, they're, that's how they define who they.

They are. And they wouldn't mind getting punched in the face? There's an episode in The Sopranos. Right. When that guy gets out of prison and he goes nuts, Jackie Appreel. Remember that the good actor? Do you remember the Sopranos? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Third season, the first guy came out of jail. The one that hooked up with Janice, he was in the yoga. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy's been around for a long fucking time. He's a good actor. He started busting Tony's balls. Like he started busting his balls at the mall. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he told him he wants his garbage routes. Yeah. But one day, he showed up. I mean, he's a 50-year-old man, and he shows up with a jacket, a leather jacket from the 70s. And he goes,

Tony, I brought you this jacket, and he goes, jacket. He goes, it was your favorite jacket. We were growing up. Remember the jacket? And he opens up the trunk, and it's this fucking leather shaft jacket from 1970s.

He was Tony Subbrenner as a multimillionaire. And he's shown up with a shaft jacket. And he goes, remember, I beat up Rocco, lambusho, and I just, took this from him and he never came back to brunfield everybody said he was the toughest guy in brunfield those guys are around yeah and they're 50 and 60 and they still drink cocktails and that's they claim to fame and you this is it this is what you know there's some people think outside the box and there's some people who start defined by that and i'm not mad at them i'm not mad at them at all

i see them listen you see them here do they still start fights listen you see them here more than anywhere there's no more confused people. But there's a lot of fake tough guys here, though. There's a lot of fake tough guys here. But the thing is, like, I used to go to Justin Fortunes, Jim. When I first started my, when I started my dissent at 418, I really liked him. I did a commercial, and I met McAfolet, and he was a boxing coach.

We shot at the gym, you know, with Pachial trains at night. And he told me, goes, when we just did it, that you were breathing heavy and he goes you should come to my gym i used to train here but now i went over and started a gym with just the fortune and i would fucking uh pee in my pants then like i peeing your pants at that point when i first started working out yeah i would pee in my pants like a little bit or like a whole like the front of my white underwear yeah would be covered with yellow piss when i first started working out with knackafoli yeah like the first three days it was it was It was like fucking my world was going to end.

Like it was shocking. You were 418. 418. Couldn't breathe, smoking cigarettes. Yeah. Wait. Is that... Blow still.

It was a tail end of the blow. So I was really concerned. Yeah, man. But that stopped me because I knew that that one dude had a heart attack from snorting the night before. And then training. Some dude that was playing basketball from the Simpsons. Some of those brothers, the Bruckmaheimer brothers, One of the dudes, yeah, was doing the blow the night before,

and he played basketball, and he had a heart attack. So at that time, this was 2006. This is summer of 2006, and at that time I was hooked on heroin. I'm getting heroin sent out. He sent me three little seven-dollar bags, and I figured out that I snorted the line on Mondays and then had to snort Coke the rest of the week, so I could train. Wait, the one line of heroin.

With the one taste of heroin, just like that. Killed. Fucked me up so much on Monday night that it would fucking shock my system. The whole summer I was like, man, I only bought in one package the whole summer just by doing this heroin thing. That's not the point. The point is that heroin made me work out.

Not that-heromint sounds great, dude. Not that it made me work out. It made me not be paranoid that I was going to die of a heart attack. So I would pay that guy $25 for an hour. in those days. I didn't go to no other gyms and I would just give him 25 bucks and I would he would stretch me out you know like make me stretch and shit then he would make me a shadow box and then he would make me hit the bag 20 minutes sitting there I couldn't even do it for three minutes like first time I couldn't do it for three minutes I would piss myself

because if it was either between the breathing or peeing yeah I'd have to breathe I wouldn't control the pee that's that's the truth of people at all And then he would make me go on the ring and hit the pads. I never made a three-minute round. I would make a minute, 38 seconds, and I'd have to go on a corner. And he would rub me and put ice on my neck and shit like a roll box. But he told me, just stay off the sodas. If you can make me a promise to stay off the sodas.

Okay, drink half-diet sodas and half water. You're going to lose weight. If that just don't work, don't come here and see me. Fucking, I went to weight-wise. I lost 17 pounds. I said, okay. I stuck with the no soda. He goes, drink, make a time for water,

and make a time for Diet Coke. And I would go more and more, and I would spar in the ring, but I would spar in the ring, but I would hit the pad. I'm not going to lie, nobody. But Justin had a contract with Paramount. He was Pachiaz, strength and condition coach. So a lot of actors have come in there.

I'd see Scott Conn in there. I'd see a lot of actors in there. And some people, the good-looking Spanish kid, That's a good boxer. Mario Lopez? Yeah, he's down there. Because he was friends with Justin.

I'd see a lot of people there. It wasn't my... I didn't talk to none of them. I was there at 8 in the morning. My wife would go to work and I'd shoot right over. That'd be there by 8.45. That's the place down up by, like, Vine and... No, no, no, no.

That's the place by what we used to live across from... Pachiao's gym? Isn't that down... That's where... That's the other gym, the one that belongs to Freddie Roach. This is Justin Fortune. It was Pachial's strength and condition. coaching coach, he wanted to open up a bigger place and work more on strength and conditioning

and kickboxing. You know, he knew that the gym business had to grow into the MMA world. So I would see, and then there was one particular actor that was like on one of the CSIs that didn't watch. And I would see him come in. He was a fucking super dick. White, what's that, entitlement? White privilege.

White privilege. He had the big car. What's the? Lincoln. I feel like I'm playing $25,000. Yeah, what's the big? Lincoln? No, no, the one that's the official car, if you're going to drive an SUV in this town.

Cadillac. No, the smaller one that's German. BMW? The other one. Volvo. Lexus. Audi, that's not one big one. He would show up and he would take three parking.

I got the points. Listen, bro. He would take three parking spots. No. And then one day some black box went up to him and said, dog, we can't have this shit. He started. He started. I watched the whole thing because I would go there and then finish and hang out with NACA.

NACA was from Boston. He was a boxer. He did blow for 20 years. He was a bodyguard. He collected book. He was in Vietnam. He did 29 tours. He was getting 10,000 a month in the VA.

NACA, we had him on the podcast. He just caught. He was as interesting as fuck. He shot heroin. You know, NACA has done everything. Like NACA, you know, you could tell the stitches on his face. NACA became like an uncle. Like, when I first got off Coke and shit,

and I was trying to get off weight. Yeah. I would just deal with NACA on a daily basis. Nobody would see me. I would go to Justin Fortions. I wasn't going to the store. And I would just go to fortunes in the morning. But that kid I'm telling you about, you know,

he just used to go in there, like in box with Justin, like, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, and then one day he's like, Justin, get in the ring. And Justin was like, what did you say to me? And he goes, I don't have time. This kid kept bothering, Justin. He goes, I'm telling you, I can knock out your sparring partners. This guy went in the ring one day, Lisa.

Yeah. Lee Syed. He lasted. I can knock out your sparring partners. You know, and I think this guy had boxed in a movie. So I really went to his fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, I won the championship in that movie. Yeah, like he really... This is the fakers place for all that stuff. This is where they come. And they all come with a story. I was an ex-house angel. Dude, you know that I... Oh, my God.

You know that I just... So I'm not a good fighter at all. But you know that I just sparred with Jacob. my son. So, you know, we went down to this dude, Wayne McCullough, has a gym down in Santa Monica. And I brought Jacob down with me, and we were going to get in the ring and just, you know, spar it up a little bit. Just see, just one round, because I had three minutes is a long time. It's a fucking long round, right?

And we're in there. And he started hitting me a little harder than I thought he was going to. And he's got reach on me. He's like six three. So you get reach on me and he's popping me with these jabs that are splitting my hands

and so I kind of clench with them a little bit I go hey hey don't hit me so hard I don't want to have to hit you you know what I mean I just want to get in here and have some fun he goes okay

he pulls back and he fucking boo he clubbed me in this side of the head and I was like all right here we go so I just I tried to pepper him

he was just a better boxer than me he was literally hitting me at will And at about two minutes, 20 seconds, I think I'm going to throw up. Because I've never, the adrenaline going, I haven't done one of those before, right? It gets real. Your eyesight. Oh, my gosh.

I think I'm going to throw up. And I grabbed him and I go, hey, man, I think I'm going to throw up. You know the next thing he did? He hit me in the stunt. Yeah, that's why I don't start. My son. Terrible, dude. It's terrible and I got a road jiu-jitsu with people.

Oh, my God. No. The first role for me is nothing but anxiety. Yeah. Nothing but fucking anxiety. No, being a tough guy seems like a lot of work That's a lot of work It just seems like because you got to keep that shit up all the time

I never even considered it And here's the funny thing Like I grew up with dudes That were really tough Because it wasn't even a level of toughness It was the intelligence level and the mindset there That they weren't going to lose Yeah

So you're gonna have to stay there for an hour With this guy or let him beat you You also don't want to fight somebody With nothing to lose Right but there's people who might get mistaken Like that dude Those are the best people ever What do you mean mistaken?

Mistaken, like that acting. Oh, right, right, right, right. What was the bar that we did comedy at? Where? Fucking dump. What part of town? Where I used to live when it was a dump on that. Barones?

No. The place in Hollywood. No. The place in Hollywood that you, me, Pierre, and Corey did. Corey Miller. We did comedy in the yarn and all of his bombs except Corey Miller. and fucking even D.L. whatever, bond in there, the other kid.

D.L. Hughley. With the dreds. No, he had dreds at the time. He's not around anymore. D.L. No, no, it doesn't matter. But I remember Corey, and it was me, you, Corey Miller, and Pierre. And the other guy, I don't remember his name.

And I'm not going to sit here. Quiz for two hours. But that place. Just one with D.L. I don't remember the name of that place. Yes, you do. Bouchers! You motherfuckers used to always go there at one time.

The actor friend of your family hung out there. Bichards, Bichuze. Bichols? Yeah. I don't know what the more. I don't know what the point. Oh, no, no. He lived in.

That area used to be really fucking bad. When I first moved in with Terry in 2000, that area, that was a fucking gas station, and they would sell crack on the corners. And one night, I asked my dealer, like, I had just moved in with Terry. I was there two months. I knew my way around the apartment. Now one night I called this dude, and I go, dog can I meet you and he goes

where are you and I'm on Schrader no I'm on the other place where I used to live by the Schrader was by the YMCA? Yeah by the YMCA yeah and he goes all right go downstairs I'll meet you on the street first night I ever went downstairs he comes by on the motorcycle I give him his money

I sit on the stairs for some reason because I don't want to go right inside like a galvan I would give him his cash and a D you know like a CD and he would give me a DVD box of the coconut and then I just sit in front of my apartment building there like I fucking was a godfather two during the morning

and I told them when I was when I first moved in with Terry I'm sitting and I hear like this screeching of tires and all of a sudden you know they have speed bumps in those streets because there's no lights it's just a stop sign bro this car went by me fucking doing like 90 and all of a motorcycle shoot at him

and shot on that street Selma if you go on Selma by the fucking Wax Museum. Yeah. Okay, by the Wax Museum, if you're at the Wax Museum and the Chinese Man's Theater, back when me and Josh moved here,

from 90-5 to about 2003, if you went to Man's Chinese Theater and you walked 30 yards east, and you cross the street and walked down the block, that's Selma. That's behind Hollywood High School. That's where they shot the movie made when him and John Favaro walking behind and the coach comes out and tells him as a loser.

But they shot a bunch of movies. They shot a bunch of movies there. But on that corner, one night I'm coming home. I got no package. I go to Old Campadre. I go to the black dude. I go to the Martel Cartel. Nothing from Chui?

No Chooey. No Burger King, because I had a guy on Burger King on Western and Sunset. All you have to do is go to that light. And he'd come out running the chueless with a Coke rock. It was the best. Anyway, I'm fucking driving back on fucking that street on Selma because there's no cops on Selma. No.

All I would have to do is I would shoot down to a fountain and then stay on the fountain until I got to something and then I'd shoot up and go around and I'd get right there on summer and there was no cops on summer there and every night I'd see three black dudes

on the corner talking shit like gang members or whatever the fuck and one night they made eye contact I was like, oh man I made with eye contact they came over with a call what up what are you looking for? rock. And the guy goes,

what do you got? I got a 20. He goes, I want to give you a rock. He gave me this rock. Nice little white fucking bolder. Like, thanks. I go, you guys are here a lot. I'll stop by. I see you guys. He had it. We're solid. I'm Tyrone. Whatever. All right. Fuck it. I shoot to the house.

Oh, my God. I chop up this thing. I snort it. And it fucking taste horrible. I got beat. And I chop it again. Something's not right. It tastes like Coke. It's none in my mouth. But it's just not worth.

I was fucking my fucking nose, man. And I finally just said, fuck that. I got beat. I went to bed pissed off. But it only cost me $20. It's not like I bought an ounce. Did you go back? No, I didn't even think about it.

Did you? And I told Mike Kessler. Yeah. And Mike Kessler goes, what are you retarded? That's crack. I go, fuck. He goes, you still got it? I go, yeah.

That night I went home. I got a Coke can and shit. I started putting me with a pin. Yeah. And I started smoking the crack out of a cocaine. My wife would come out. What does that smell? The refill.

Go back to bed. Did you ever do meth? Boise, I had a whole funny bone. I did that in just one time. I hated it. No, I did a few times, but that Boisey, I had a whole funny bone. And I did meth on a creative tour in the South in like West Virginia. I was on a five-day one-night.

On the fourth night, I heard a guy sniffing the back, but I hadn't been doing like four fucking days, you know what I'm saying? And those days I used to scratch. That monkey would come on top. I would just sit in the bathroom and make believe I was peeing like a fag in the 80s. That's how they picked you up. They were just sitting in the bathroom all day

and they would pee and then when you'd walk in, they'd wash the hand and they'd go back and pee and look at your dick. That's how it was in the old days. I caught a guy in San Francisco at the bathroom at the airport one time that just hung out at the airport and we'd go into the bathroom when he saw a hot guy and he'd go up next to him, piss, make believe he was pissed, and then he'd look at your dick. So you're saying you did that for Coke?

You just sat in the bathroom until you heard sniffing? I went into the bathroom until I was sniffing in West Virginia. The guy came out and said, listen, I got like $200. I need something. He goes, man, follow me. I got Vinnie Coppola. We drove a half hour and no dig of the woods. We went to like a trailer.

This is 1998, 20 years before fucking breaking bed. This guy had a trailer. I gave him some 20 bucks. He came out with a rock. I taste. I go, this ain't. He goes, man, I forgot to tell you, it's meth. We got a speed here.

And I fucking did it. What are you going to do? When you're Jonzin for something to snort. But when you think you're getting, I thought I was getting coke and I got meth. And that fucked me up. Because I did as much meth as I would do coke. Oh, that fuck's you out. Oh, that fucked me.

Well, you always did a line just to warm up. Just to see what it was. Yeah, but even like the line is still a line. No, I would do a little. Just a little bit. First line, unless I really knew the guy and I'd just see him take it out of the kilo, and I had gone there the night before, and I knew what the stuff was. I hated me. I fucking hated meth. No, you see me jumping down, up and down?

Yeah, it was fucking terrible. When I went to prison, there was a lot of meth. The white dudes, the bikers and the white dudes, they all did a lot of meth. And I said it. I became friends of the head white dude. And we used to play basketball, and every Monday called me to his fucking room. and we'd snort a line of speed that shit would keep me up to Wednesday

and they'd do it all week in there It's fucking terrible They'd sleep one night Sunday The night before his visitation on Monday His chick would come in with a balloon In her mouth they'd make out He'd swallow it God

Sometimes he didn't even swallow it Because it was minimum correction Was this in Denver? This was in Golden Golden Colorado Down the block from McCores Refinery Jesus, when you say You say, you said minimum.

You said minimum? Yeah, this is minimum, minimum, minimum. So when you say minimum security, what's your, what's a day like? At that time. At that time. Yeah, what's a day like? Remember, 1987 in Boston, some inmate went home for a furlough and killed his mother. You guys are too young and his uncle and they lit the house on fire.

So the governor of Boston declared no more fucking furloughs. I think Boston was having a lot of problem with furloughs. So furloughs used to be a thing? Furloughs was a thing. They asked for the movies and they're like, you're crazy. You're never getting a furlough? Exactly. Furlough was a thing.

If you were a minimum model prison and you lived three, you know, there was a bunch of requirements. Right. They just don't say yet. That's why you have to follow. There has to be a list with checkpoints and shit in those days. But you weren't, you weren't in a prison with furlough, were you? No. No.

No. No. I was in a prison that had a 20-minute. you could leave the prison for every day if you were a certain level of higher and points are higher. But wait, what was within 20 minutes? Like, was there a McDonald's?

Within three minutes, there was a, you ready for this? Come on, who do you think you're dealing with? There was a bodega that had everything, ice cream, cheese, but the guy got stuff for prisoners to cook. His specialty was like, everything packaged that you could bring back

and the prisoners can make sandwiches. they could make tacos. Did they like x-rayed or something? Do they check it when you brought it back in? You brought it through the thing and he took it all out of the thing. Oh, they were okay with the food? Yeah, they had a security guard over at the modega and they had walkie-talkies.

It was that close. Got it. And next to the bodega was a Chinese restaurant. But I would always ask them. Anybody ever get Chinese food? And they were going, nah, man, it tastes too long. I go, wait a second. And one day I put, I took, I went to the bodega

And I said, can I go on the Chinese? The guy goes, yeah, I took a menu. And the next day, I just called myself. Listen, my name is Jose Diaz. I'm going to be, I'm in Golden. I'm at Camp John George West. When should I come? I got to be there because I got to be on time.

She goes, you come eight minutes. And I would go there and get like session long weeks. What happens if you were late? You get a, but you couldn't. Listen, if you were late a minute, there's a thing. They actually watched you walk. Yeah. So I want you.

Let's say Camp George. George West was the comedy store. Okay. The bodega was a block before the stand. Oh, okay. So even if I could watch you walk, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They would actually watch it.

So there was a guy at the stand, and then there was a guy on the corner, but all you had to do was get to 50 yards, 60 yards, crossed the street, and there was another 30 yards. Then there was a guard there. The bodega run started at 9 a.m. And they went until 5. So in the minimum security, what's a day like? Is it still, is it structured like to have it in a maximum?

Do you know what I mean? No, okay. So when I got in, when I turned myself in, they took me, I got arraigned, boom, I got arrested. No, I'm not arrested. I get sentenced. Yeah. I go to county. You go to county, you do a little bit of paperwork.

They talk to you for a day. Then they look in the face and they go, listen, we'll either send you to Missouri, Texas or Oklahoma. Are you okay with that? And I got no relatives there. You know, what the fuck am I going to do in Oklahoma? So I called my attorney, and then my attorney started pulling strings. That's where you really pay for your attorney.

To get you in the prison you are? No, to get you situated when you get in there. To be able to make calls to people to go, listen, he's sick, and he needs to be close to his aunt, put him in golden or whatever. So when I got into the system, I stayed in county for maybe, they told me I'd be there for six to 12 weeks.

I was out of there three days. And they wouldn't tell you where you're going because they don't want you calling home to get intercepted. So in the morning, they just wake you up and go back your shit. And you're like, but I got a visitor coming at 4 o'clock. They're like, we don't give a fuck.

We're moving it. It was crazy, bro. It was fucking crazy. And then they moved your golden. So they moved, no. And they moved me to summit. county jail, which was like paradise, as David Lee

Ron said. Okay, that was a handball court. You can wear your own clothes. What? TV till midnight. TV in your room. And, and the guard went to fucking Pathmark at 9 for you shot. There was something. There was a supermarket. And you gave the guard money. And he went and got stuff with sodas, potato chips, microwavable tacos.

Wait, so who gets to stay in that place? People who are in county jail. So they would move us there, and Boulder would pay some accounting for me being there. Right. This is a county that's the only DUI's. Nobody kills people. It's a ski talk town. It was a ski resort town.

Yeah, but why didn't- So it was August. So ain't nobody got arrested in August. Yeah. Ain't nobody in town. They got arrested. So the jail is wide open. They have all these empty beds.

So they shipped me to summit. And when I got the summit, they said to me, looker. You might be in for fucking 90 days, one of 20 days, which I had no problem with. Yeah. I had a nice room. I had nice prisoners, and he went to Safeway every night and got your chips, sodas, cakes, white bread, cold cuts in a package. The dude was solid. So they told me what, six to eight weeks, whatever?

I lasted there a week. Oh, shit. They woke me up at six. And I go, where am I going now? And they go, Canyon City, bitch. That's processing. They told me I wouldn't get processed until December. You know when I got processed?

It was like two weeks later. Nine days later, maybe. I was already in Canyon City. When you get down there, you know you're down. It's like when you go to upstate New York where they have all those prisons. It's cloudy. Everything's gray.

It's like Batman lives there. Colorado is beautiful. They have a lot of prisons in New York? Upstate. There's a part of New York that has a, you know, Sing, Sing, and Donahom and, oh, my God, there's so many fucking prisons up there. I think there's, when I was in Boulder, a girl that I hung out with her husband

told me that her whole family, it was three generations of jails. Like all her brothers worked at the jail, her dad, her uncles. I mean, listen, Joe, you know when my brother went to jail, that was the craziest thing for our family. It was fucking. When Jonathan went to jail, that was bananas.

I mean, I remember going down. And he didn't tell him until the end. Well, he didn't tell my parents until had to be eaten. Maybe, maybe, I don't know. I want to say it was not immediate. I want to say it was like a year. How much time was he in there for? You know, he did, I think, a total like 90 days.

Wait, wait, wait. And there was one time we went and saw him, Danny and I went and saw him, after he had been put in solitary. Because he was up where, there was that, there's that place up near Magic Mountain. there's that correction center up there, right? And, you know, he thought everybody was just having a good time, you know, and a couple of the guards were making fun of people, and he thought they were all friends. And one of the guards said something to him,

and he made fun of the guard, and the whole room just shut down. And they were like, are you fucking, if you do that, like, you can't do that shit. And they threw him in the fucking solitary. And then we saw him when he came out of solitary. And I had never seen him like that, dude. Like, we're Jews from. You know what I mean?

From Massachusetts. Dude, coming out of solitary, when I saw him, I was like, oh, fuck. He was no Steve McCle. No, man. It was, I couldn't believe it. And I was like, oh, yeah, this is real. Like, this is not good for him. It destroys your family inside.

It destroys your mother. It destroys your father. Thank God, none of them were alive to see it for me. I saw what it did to my friends, man. You know, my brother told my parents, by the way, that the reason they couldn't call him because he was in the desert with no phone reception

and my parents believe that he was the stupidest well he was only doing 90 days he could have said he was on Bolivia for a student protest with his wife to that country you know you could say a lot of things

for 90 days in my situation oh he went back you know because he fucked up parole yeah I know you always go back yeah he went back you think how long did they put him that time I want to say the same amount of time

90 days yeah they fuck with you man yeah that's the worst thing you like Like for me, it was, I just knew I was such a fucking con man at that time, Joshua. Oh, dude, when I met you, you were a fucking con man. I mean, maybe not. Not to the level. Not to that. No.

At that time, I was fucking, in 87, I was, and listen, man, I just bumped into the district attorney that was in a sentence me one day. I was in a supermarket. I was in a supermarket. And I go, hey, how you doing? And he goes, I shouldn't be talking to you without your attorney. I know, no, no, this is off the record. I go, listen, man, there's the first time I got arrested for something like that. He goes, listen, I looked at that New York City arrest report.

You're no fucking angel. I go, but listen, look at those things and look at this comparison. Do you really think I would kidnap somebody? And we started talking. He just looked at me, bro. And he goes, Joey, I know you're a good guy. He goes, but I got to send you to jail. You know where you're going to jail?

Because I grew up with a guy like you. And he goes, you've been trucking and driving yourself out of these messes. He goes, and you're good at it. I mean, bro, he broke me down. I was like, finally somebody caught on. Oh, my God, finally somebody caught on. How old were you? I was 20.

At that time, it was April of 88. So I was 25 years old. And he just broke it down for me. Very simple. He goes, listen, you're a good guy. I know you are. you, I read this, I read that, I read the letters, but he goes, you've been, you've been for a long time, you know, you've been fucking walking for a long time, you've been having

a good time, like that's what he was telling me, you've been having a good time, and you know where you are, you know what the fuck you are, you're bullshit on it, don't tell me you didn't know they were going to kidnap him and, you know, right, right, don't tell me you just walked in on it and we went to your house and the houses was cleaner than the president. He goes, I know who you are. You're a smart guy. You grew up in this. You know, and I just left that supermarket like just in shock.

Oh, you knew you were going to jail right then. You had to know. I thought he, I was hoping for 90-day work release. I had signed myself up in the college. For a kidn happen? Local college. I couldn't have. But I was in a plea bargain to some else.

My attorney was just working him, working him, working him, working. What's a plea bargain from kids? kidnapping, borrowing? Like what, what do you, what is it? The exact thing that happened. What really fucking happened in this room? What really happened in this room, okay? The guy said that he was going to sell coke, which he stole.

Right. And this guy who got kidnapped, he ain't no fucking Peter the 30, you know what I'm saying? This guy jumped out of a hospital. You know, he got arrested for a DUI. They took him to the hospital and he had stitches. with his handcuffs he broke into the pharmacy stole a liquid cocaine and jumped out the window and ran away to leave the cop.

Bro, he was a professional. He just called me. We talked again. He wants to come up here. He wants to go to Disney. He's taking care of his mother in Tucson. Say what you want about Joe. He talks to everybody on the phone.

You call everybody. I talk to him. No, but that's one of the, listen, that's one of the skills of Joe Diaz. Joe Diaz. I dog, that was, and he broke it down. Yeah. You've been chugging in John.

He goes, And then he told me, he goes, they almost had you in San Francisco. They almost had you. See, I found out a lot of shit when I got arrested for that. What do you mean they almost had you in San Francisco? They almost had me in San Francisco in 85. Okay, there was still like an open, very genocet, qua type one.

Yeah, very open-ended? The people that I allegedly robbed were Germans. So they were back in Germany now. So it's tough to, but something that occur, And the cops were looking for you. And it's like a just questionnaire type war. Yeah. Like they just want to question.

So I talk to you for a little bit. 87, I had like a DEA file and a regular file from Coke up there. Because the DEA lived up there in those times. And once they found somebody asking police, didn't have the resources to prosecute. Yeah. They didn't. They had to detectives. The biggest crime they did was somebody slipped and fall.

Well, you know what I said? They didn't know how to figure that out. Like, I never really pulled. Rips up there. In San Francisco? No, in Aspen. Like, that's the place where I should have pulled rips. I could have made millions of dollars up there.

You could have been Seattle, too. Not the money that was an Aspen at that time. And what people had in their houses. Oh, that's probably true. Because in 84, people didn't know. You just weren't making $6,000 a week no more. Now you're making $86,000 a week. And guess what?

Now the next week, if you're making $86,000 during the summer, what are you going to be making in the winter in December? So guess what? Your safe gets stuck And you don't know nobody And you just pray to God Nobody finds out And you give them to your brother

This start a T-shirt company And you give some to Lee This gets an office for podcasting Pay me back But that thing's coming in You saw those movies Yeah, Jack City Yeah

Next to they strive for 30,000 a day What is 30,000 a day in cash At the end of the week? You catch somebody When that safe is full In the beginning of their career Which 90% always happens It always happens.

That's how you become a professional. Yeah. I just got robbed. They held a gunpoint. Somebody robbed me now. You know how to do the door now. You know not to have your money in one place. You know to move around the product.

You know what? You were cheap last time. Get some college girl that don't know nothing about nothing. Get some college girl. Don't know nothing about nothing. Tell them I'm going to put a safe tank. I'm going to get your two bedroom apartment. Tell them it's your uncle.

Who lives in there? And in there you keep dirty Gs. And you put six of them. those together. That's what you have to do. As you grow, you have to really diversify as a drug deal. And I, you know, I know people who didn't do this. Nobody woke up till they had a million dollars in their house and now it gets. But how, without mentioning, I don't know if you want to mention their names, well, the two dudes that sold in my apartment building, how did they not make any money? They snorted at all. Both of those dudes. Both of those dudes. Both of those dudes.

Because they sold, they had people coming in and out of that fucking place. In and out. I was always like, how was this dude not have a ton of fucking cash? But he was snorting at all? Okay. Let's get down to this shit 101. Coke don't sell in your house. You're not going to sit in your apartment and people are going to knock on your door and you know about Coke.

The first 90 days of drug dealing, you got to be out there knocking on doors. You got to be out there at bars giving people bar. Bumps, selling 50s, 200s, 200s, that's a dangerous fucking game. Yeah. But it's a high money game. That's a high money game if you don't snort. And if you know how to take it and dump it and get another batch and keep it clean and have two cars and have six customers, seven customers that always call you every night, that bartenders, a waitress, a comedian, an actor, if you get six of those guys buying three or four grams from you a week. You're in business.

Yeah. So now those guys are going to start buying eight ball. Now, some guy comes to you and goes, my friend wants to buy two ounces. Shut your phone, start all over again. Move that money, shut the phone. Two ounces is the minimum. They want to buy that from you two or three times to get multiple buys from you. But maybe sometimes they just want to buy one time.

You don't know that, so stop it. Right there. Everybody's been buying eight balls also, and some guy, a friend of Tommy's wants to meet and buy two ounces cash. Done. That's when you're hanging. You already know. That's where you're one step ahead of the game. You shut the phone dog.

You take that money, go to your mother's house, bury it. That's where you know who they're fucked. Yes. Yeah. No, that's exactly how they know you. Yeah. Or they get you with multiple small buys, so you have to plea bargain. Once you know that game and how it works and how nobody is going to become a millionaire overnight.

If Joshua got a tab with Joey Diaz 90% of the time, especially me, I had a tab. I had a tab with the Martel cartel that was hilarious. And I got to the point I would go over there and they would say, you better have something about it. It was just like a movie. And in those days, I used to get like Big Daddy T-shirts. Like any merch I got, black people love merch. I remember the Big Daddy shit.

I would show it where they were double X and that would get me a front. It wouldn't get me nothing off the tab, but it would get me a front. The Martel. Cartel. How did I become friends with them? I'm in the fucking 1440. Did you not buy from my brother? You didn't buy from my brother?

For a while I was copping from your brother, but your brother thought he was Johnny Gumbar. He wanted to be a lover until 10 o'clock. My party starts today. I want to have it at 8, so I know by 11, I'd have to go look for it. We used to tease him that he was a terrible drug dealer. Terrible.

I'm like, I go, why aren't you picking up the phone? He's like, no, I'm not ready. I'm like, ready for what? That's it. Ready for what? Yeah, no, he was not a 24 hour of drug dealing. He had a window of like three hours where he was dealing. And I get that.

I get 10 to 1. Yeah. 11 to 2. The Marcho-Chot-Tor was only to 1 a.m. 1 a. Every once in a.m. Every once in a drive where I had 2. And if I heard like funky music, black music, I knock on,

what the fuck you doing here? You best be having cash and shit. I seen, the last time I bought, honestly, the last time I bought Coke was from Chewy. out of his fucking fedora. Remember he used to carry it in the fucking rim of his fedora? He would take that hat, sweaty-ass hat off. Oh, and the bags would be all madded.

Nothing about Coke's. It sounds fun. Nothing I've heard about Coke. I can't, honestly, I can't think of one night where I had a fucking great time. I really can't. I was, because Coke made me

shut up and sit in the corner. It didn't make me hyper. It didn't make me talk. It just made me fucking sit in the corner. up and I hated it, but I'm no quitter. And these guys always looked like they were having such a good time. So, you know. I'm driving to Lake Havasu for $250 all night long, fucked up.

We were all gone to jail that night. Do you remember? The cops came to your cousin's house. That's how. The cops came because we were too loud on Melrose. And we're all fucking twisted. Me, you, Carola, Malia, everybody was fucked up. up. I just come from the comedy store. In those days, I'd have like the 1245, 115 spot.

I would walk out of that 10 to 2, Lisa. And I would go to these guys' parties late night. I showed up with Carol, and next thing you know, it's four in the morning. We are coked out to the gills. And we went, we bought another eight ball, and we drove straight to Lake Havasu fucking chawing our brains out, drinking beers. We got that Lake Havasu. They only had two hotel rooms. Was that the show, too, with Dunkleman? I don't know. It was packed. I think there was the filthiest.

People said that was the whatever the Riviera listen. No, let me tell you people. That was the worst experience of my fucking life. People were like, that's so cool. You go from boat to boat. Those people were fucking filthy. Filty, filthy animals. It was me, you and Dunkleman.

We drove in my Saturn that had no air conditioning. No, that was one time. But one time we drove on. One time just you and I. went in the Saturn with no air conditioning and the sunrising you put the vizine in your eyes and it burnt your eyeballs that was that time we're in the desert with no air 108 fucking sweating the deck in the fucking car the best fucking thing ever here was once Josh which I want to get to this real quick I just want to remember this so because

Josh's gonna one day just got Josh was on call with two different catering companies he was on call with Ochoa somebody else I think there was somebody else. Well, one day he had a job and somebody called him and said, I'm in a bind. The job is on what? Larchmount. Lashmount. And Melrose. I will never forget this. If you go somewhere around

there, there's a soundstage. And it's a guy that's recognizable. He's been in a few movies. It was like a sci-fi movie. You send me over to do lunch. I get there at 10.30. I get there and I realize I'm the only motherfucker that. I've never done this before.

This is your first time caterer? Like by myself. Yeah. So I like the fucking halos. One of those sternos. Sternos. I like the sternos and I put the food on top. But I didn't put water in there.

Oh, God. And also the steam started coming out of it. And you couldn't even touch the things that was so hot. Two guys had to help me and put water in there. All right, that's that. So that's working out. I get the lemonade, the limeade, the cake, the ice cream. I put the spoons out.

I got my little fucking thing on. And I'm pouring and I'm helping people. And I'm very cordial. And it was 10 to like 3 o'clock, so the job was over. You even let me your car. That's how desperate you want to cover this. You even let me your car.

So I took your car down. I'm in the fucking thing, and I don't know what to do. What am I doing all this fucking food and all this stuff? So I just start taking the food. It was an aluminum trays, and I'm throwing them into these big gallon things.

Yeah. And I'm just throwing a thing. And then all of a sudden I got stuck with all this oil. so I pour it into each thing I'm sitting there I put up the racks the guy just said to leave the racks and fold up the table

and fold the tablecloth and put it on the wall that the catering company would come by later and pick up all this shit next thing you know bro I feel like there's heat yeah

on my neck right I feel there's heat on my fucking neck I turn around and all these things were on fire like trash cans yeah because I poured hot oil

in all the trash cans and it melted everything. Wait, wait, wait, with, like, paper in it and stuff? Like, just, like, write the trash can? Joe, you had thrown the sterno in there with it. That's what it was. So the sterno is, he, I remember, I was like, dude, you were like, I thought it was going to go out.

I thought it was like water. I'm like, water doesn't light on fire, man. You've always known. I'm three, I'm a little bit of a pyro. From the age of like six to land, I almost burnt my mother's bar down. I almost brought the bathroom down the back. I loved all that pyro-manian. I feel like you were tipping the thing in and the sterno just fell in.

You were just like, let's see what happens. Dog, it was horrible. And I had to turn the fire. And people were like, what's going on here? What is this fire behind you? You know who got that phone call, right? Yeah. This, me.

Oh, my God. It was hysterical. They were like, did you like those? Did you like some trash cans on fire? And I was like, no. And they were like, who did? I was like, don't, I'll take care of it. What does take care of it mean when trash cans are on fire?

They were like, I don't think he can work here anymore. I'm like, yeah. I get it. You know, Josh, we had a conversation. We were talking about something, whatever, and comedy.

By the way, let me tell you some of comedy that I saw from you last night, dude. So, I love watching you. I like watching people that do this,

like, and do it well. Man, I could tell the difference between material you were working on and material that you knew worked

just by the way you were standing behind the fucking mic. I mean, you delivered that material that you knew was going to work. like you were about to just kick somebody square in the fucking asshole.

Do you know what I mean? You're like, no, okay, here we go. That's a main room. Yeah. That's the hardest room in the world for me. And it's the hardest 15 minutes. Like when I go in there, it's because I'm going to wrestle. Dude, I hate that.

When I walk out of that room, I can feel the nut. My nuts are sweating. The hardest room in the country. It's the hardest room, guys, to explain, I'm sorry, I'm not good with those type of words. You, it's big. it trains you to become an animal in different type of rooms it's built weird

so I can't describe it to you guys there's just a lot of empty space there's a lot of empty space there's 20 feet of stays that's too big but it's perfect kind of sort of but those people right there right there and when you go in the main room

you got to yell out with these people yeah the back you got to gun it out with them you got to go in there with a lot of energy dude that belly room is like the best room that room is tremendous That whole fucking thing. So today, I wasn't feeling well this morning, bro. I took one of those fucking terror flus.

And I said, you know what? I'm not going to go give somebody a call. I'm just going to do jiu-jitsu. I'm just going to lift weights at the house. My wife called. We took the family at lunch. I had soup at lunch. That was it.

I went home. I said, what the fuck of my head? I'm not going to sleep. There was an employee party at the comedy store. Oh, yeah. And they were going to bring me to me to. she showed them. So I said, you know what?

I'm going to go over there today. And I went over there at 2.30 and guess what? She was running late. They didn't know if she was going to come down. But I had prepared myself, you know, like to see her. Did you know what you were going to say? Not really. Not really.

I just, the logic of me showing up was they asked me because Paulie was out of town and there was, there was, going to be a lot of familiar faces for her. She didn't know of these kids. So Danny was there, the guy. Sound guy. Yeah. So Danny said, did they talk to you?

And I go, no. He goes, come on. One of the managers goes, if you want to stop by, I know it's close to your house. So I'm not there, watch those guys bowl. They were having a great time, you know. Felicia went with me. She's like, Jesus Christ, these are all the employees at the store. I know what's fucking tripled over the years, you know what I'm saying?

This is a big fucking... Did you work there? No. Yes. I became a regular first. And then one night she goes, why don't you work that dawn on Sundays? So I would work the door on Sundays for 25 bucks, and I'd host at the same time. You know me?

I was like, I've owned back then for the small 50. She put me right at the door. She didn't, I remember when she passed me. Do you remember she would sit on that back wall? And if she wanted to see you, she gave you the, basically the fit that. She said, you want to be a door man? Yeah. But she'll, you were cracked.

Oh, dude. Two days after you shook your head. I was cracked when she told me I looked like Steve Gutenberg. That's what fucking grabbed me. She was like, but, but it was, but to get the finger over was like, it was an honor to go over sit down next there. And she would give you a couple, just a couple of sentences about maybe what you should try or I like this or, you know, try that. And then that was the fucking best. But when did she stop?

When did she stop passing people? Or like, how long after us? I'm not sure. All I know is that this is how I looked at it. When I first came out here, nobody liked me. I mean, I was on the zero list. The only person that liked me was Metsy Shaw. Oh, yeah.

And I remember, I say it doesn't really matter if Montreal don't want to use me. It doesn't matter. At that time, the local improv would book me, but they wouldn't book me in a little club. The laugh factory was a no-breno for me. He didn't want me in his club. but I would still do Monday nights, you know. We sat out of that fucking wall forever. Yeah, we sat on that wall.

But it's really interesting because I want you to tell people, like, I'm knowing you 22 years, we met in the open mic stage of this career. And we'll just use the people that are still active in us, you, myself, and Brody. Yep. Now, I did Birch podcast the other day, and I think he said on the podcast off camera that you were on the podcast. On his podcast. Yes, recently.

Yeah. You described the chains that had gone. over the years, especially what you saw with the drugs and all. And I was thinking the other day and we had the conversation on the phone about the kids and shit. My daughter said, you know, it's 23 years.

But it's not a friendship. This is a documentary because we've both seen comedy and we've seen comedy change. We've seen what it takes to be a star. We saw stars rise right in front of us, Tiffany Addish, Chelsea Hanler, right in front of my fucking eyes. But we also saw,

saw him rise and then drop Corey. Remember Birdman? Birdman was the fucking biggest thing. He was going to be the next big thing. He had that sketch show on the CW. Remember that? Mark Schulman was his manager. He got that huge deal

right after or right before Mitch at Montreal. Like we've seen him to just shoot to the sky and fall too. But it's been such an incredible journey from smoking cigarettes on your back and, you know, DRWA and living with Danny Kelly

and robbing that poor Alfie guy that then you robbed years later. Every time I'd see him and go, your friend Josh Roof is no good. He yells me 300 for the Subaru or whatever fuck he had. Dog, I robbed that guy on my open mic stage. It was not even funny, and I'm not even ashamed of this. That's why I come clean with on this show. I would leave Danny Kelly's house on Poncelli.

and I would go on sunset with a dollar. I mean, I would have a dollar in my pocket, Josh. No, I remember, man. And I would, he would be outside pumping gas. I'd be sitting there like a fuck, and I'd be like a hawk. As soon as somebody pulled up a gas, I'd run in there. I'd open up the refrigerator first and pop a Coke. And go, Rafi, where are you at?

He'd go, hold on one second. And then I'd reach my hand behind the register and take a pack of camel lights or a pack of marlboro lights. I did this every day, Josh Moore. He never knew. And a lighter. That was the thing. You would hold the lighter in your hand and pay for the lighter.

It was crazy. And then I would go to your house and you were just coming back from dropping the kids. So you were going to make breakfast. I'd be ready for fucking breakfast. I'd get my little nutrition for the morning. And after that, I could go out on my fucking day and try to fucking make a living. You know what I'm saying? It's so hard to describe the growth.

I mean, people have never. known that you came to LA, you were ready to rock and roll, and somebody told you, by the way, you know, I'm pregnant. And you're like, oh, shit, I didn't know that and stuff. So you basically came down here to have a kid, and all of a sudden, you're like fucking raising three kids. What, dude, the trick was finding a way to perform, right? Because a lot of, the comedy store wouldn't let the kids in the store.

So you had to watch them in my car. The only place I would let them in, laugh factory didn't let them in either, was the improv. The improv had that restaurant, And then, you know, the wait staff was watching and shit. But there was a lot of times I did stand up with them in the car, with the car running, you know, and just had a comic stand by the car in the park comedy store parking lot. But listen, man, your, your trajectory has been ridiculous, though. Because if you are honest with yourself, there's no way that you think that you're alive at 53 years old.

There's no way. There's no way 54. There's no way you think you're like. I always thought it was 37. When the time I was 15, I go, you know what, I'm going to die at 37. But dude, you lived like that. So I would look at you and be like, all right, so you're a smart guy.

You're doing a ton of blow. You eat like shit. It's not that you know your heart is going to explode. It's almost like you want your heart to explode. Nobody lives like that. Like you were living at that speed, dude. Okay. And doesn't think in the back of their head,

I'm just going to, one of these nights is going to be the last one. Here's the funny thing. That people always have to read the blueprint I had. The blueprint I had was Lenny Bruce's whatever book. Right. When he lived in the Chelsea Hotel, that was the blueprint I had of a comedian. And once that blueprint got settled,

and in 94, when I left New York and I said, what am I going to do with this cocaine problem? In 93, I was doing, You know, blow every night in New York City. You know, October 93, I went back to Denver to try to be a dad. Maybe I'll slow down with the blow. But one day I said, what am I going to do with this cocaine problem? Okay, I've been doing this comedy shit for two years a la carte.

Very, I'm a comic. I ain't no fucking comic. I'm just jerking myself off here. I just went to New York and saw real comedy and saw how it's supposed to be fucking done. I just went there and saw how it's supposed to be done. Can you remember the guy who you thought when you saw him? You were like that. John Legger's arm.

Yeah. And I went to the fucking, I went to Denver and the intention of being a dad and becoming a comic. That was it. And getting out of the massive debt I was in. I had no idea I was going to get out of this debt. But it wasn't going to stop me from doing comedy.

It wasn't going to stop me from being a dad. Well, guess what? That didn't fucking work out. You know, but that whole fucking journey, man. That whole thing, that's a fucking chapter and a half in a book about those 12 fucking months, those gaps. Yeah, but listen, you know, one of the, I was thinking about this also after we talked the other day, because I felt like I owed you apology that you didn't feel like I owe you.

But I needed to say it. I had needed to say it for a little while, right? But we've, we've been on a ride. Like there have been times over those 22 years where we didn't talk much. No, no, no. Things are going the wrong direction. Yeah. There was a long, I remember 2005, bro.

2004 I started getting really angry the coke I started getting a little mean at people you were one of those people like I just didn't have time I was I wanted to stop doing this shit and I couldn't yeah and I was frustrated

I was getting rolls now and I'm still there's still not giving me an agency I'm still not with a fucking manager I just busted a role with Adam Sandler movie You made $63 million and you can't give me a fucking run off the cuff for 90 days and submit me for big movies. It was starting to get frustrating.

You know what I'm saying? I was going to meetings and every meeting bust. But I always found cocaine money. You know, when I was doing those joy karate videos, some guy gave me $30 grand for a fucking little deal. Those were, you know how many shows we shot and none? Those were some of my favorite videos. You just bust out of these things. Oh, yeah.

I've seen them. You just didn't shoot a video? No, yeah, tomorrow. We treated him like that kid, remember Cardick? Poor Vanek. Like that. Vanek, if you're out there, we still love you, brother. It was fucked up.

It was just a bad time in my life. But it's so weird how you put that 22. You know, I still remember you on an apartment. With the fucking Great Dane, three kids, your brother and you clothes everywhere. And you made it work. Nobody knows about these things. Nobody knows about me living on your couch. and that chick knocking on the door with no jaw

and me going back to the apartment and getting coked up with her and then she would steal weed from the dude and give it to you and sell it to you for 20 bucks then. A chick with no jaw? Well, she had a job. She had a huge thing. This journey, ladies and gentlemen,

has been phenomenal for both of us. We both ended up with children. I mean, his are fucking raised. I mean, when that kid was five, you were the only person that could get Jacob to sleep. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was always there. You were the only guy you would put on Sublime.

You'd put that fucking album, man, put on Sublime. Oh, but you would, and he would cry, but you would just hold him just like that. Smother him, oh, I'm good at that shit. Smothered him right to sleep. He liked how I smelled like cheeseburg. I'll never forget one time the Gavons were watching them. And I'm like, I got to go over there.

I know they're not fucking, And as sure as I pull up, I can hear the kid crying. I ran upstairs and turn off the lights, put on some line. Kid was out. That kid could scream. Oh, my God. But that's, you know, that's one of the things that they don't tell you when you have kids. People come and check on them, like Joey?

No. Is that they can scream for fucking ever as loud as they want. Our dear friend Damon, his family, wanted to be very nice and got his. whole family tickets to Orlando, Florida. He said he got on the plane and the little was one, the two-year-old out of nowhere, at the one-hour mark, just started crying loud, loud, and didn't stop to the plane landed. She goes, people were giving a dirty looks, people are yelling at her, that it was just horrible, like they felt terrible as parents.

They can scream for that. The wife cried when they landed, you know. You do know that. I used to make my kids drink Benadryl before we got on plane. Yeah, no, I don't blame you. I was no, fuck that. I was flying three kids by myself. And by the time they were trained, we would go to the airport.

And Jacob would be like, they would all understand. Like I said, all right, everybody, drink your juice. And they would ask for the juice before they got on the plane. And I would dose them up. Because I didn't want to be that fucking guy. Because this was before iPads. It was before the screens and the fucking, you just had to entertain your kids. And I didn't want to be that guy with three fucking screaming.

kids running up down the aisle. I'd rather dose them up. It's so crazy that the journey to become a comedian or anything else you want to endure is tough enough. But then you had a child to that journey. Early on, like Mercy came later on for us. If Mercy would have came in 2005,

I wouldn't be together with Terry no more. Terry would be in Kentucky and I'd be living here and I'd have to visit her and dog sniffed me and shit. Dude, it was it was hard to get sense, dude. It was hard but I I you started writing yeah so you turned it around that's when I just started writing

and then that one man show came out of what and I wasn't writing it was the first time I had learned well I didn't learn until I started saying it but I had you know up until that point as far as comedy went I was trying to write things that people I thought people would think are funny right and instead when with the kids were and I was just me and the kids I needed it to be funny but it was also a lot of real. And so I just, it was almost like a diary. And I started to read this fucking diary. I'm like, there's some funny shit in there.

But are people going to want to hear that? Do you know what I mean? So I just started trying it up in the belly room. And people were laughing differently than they did at the jokes that I was just kind of writing to be cute because it had a lot of truth in it. And that situation raising those kids, that taught me to write comedy the way it should, like from truth. You know what I'm saying?

Because I've fucking had nothing else. What was I going to do? I couldn't get high anymore. I couldn't drink because I thought, what the fuck was going to take care of the kids? So I just had to get on stage and talk weird shit about it. I was, this is very funny. It's 2003, maybe 2002. My drug problem is, I'm doing whatever.

I play Fresno on a Friday night, but there's a catch that I'm going to get off the plane on Saturday and go to your house at 6 because you were going to Vegas. You, your cousins, a bunch of people. So the lineup in Fresno is me, Felipe. It was a pretty good lineup, but for some reason, Silent Bob was there. He did like a guest spot. It's got to be 2003. We do the show.

It was the black promoter who was also a football coach, a high school football coach. Very sweetheart of a guy. Yeah. I heard from him maybe. 10 years ago. He tried to always put gigs together and pay you correctly. He was the first guy that gave us $500 per show. When everybody else was giving you $300 and $200, $200,000, you'd give you $500.

You drove up there and you got a hotel. I don't know how far Fresno is, three hours or something like that. So I agree to it. You call me. I agree to your deal. Come over at 6. Watch them. We'll be back Sunday night.

But somebody was coming over like Sunday afternoon. Mm-hmm. This is going to blow your mind. So I do the show in Fresno. I get off the fucking stage, and I'm jonesing for a package. You know how it is. I got a nickel cash in my pocket.

You know, when I got $18, I'm Jones. And never mind a nickel, I can get a couple packages. I can't find nothing. I can't find dick. And all of a sudden, this one guy said to me, are you looking for the score? And I'm looking for anything. He goes, well, I could get your speed.

I go how much? He goes, I could get you. like a $20 bag, do a line. You don't want to give it back in the morning. Have breakfast. I go, okay. I gained the fucking $20. I don't know where Felipe and Silent Bob went. They went to eat.

There was another girl that we hung out with in those days that was also doing a show up there. So in my demented cocaine mind, I was in a hook up with her and do coke and maybe eat a pussy in her ass with a shit. I mean, this is how fucking delusional I was. at the time.

So it's about 11 o'clock. I go back to my room with this fucking neck, and I go, you know what? Let me just do a fucking little line, and I go to bed. I had about three packs of cigarettes. In those days, I traveled heavy. You also went

from never smoking a cigarette to smoking a pack a day. I fucking went heavy. I bought like three packs of cigarettes because in those days I knew I was going to get into a pickle. Don't take a genius in Warner Fresno. There's got to be somebody in these four wanted seats that get me a package. But the package I got late night was the meth, the speed. So I think up to the whole time room, I do a fucking gagger.

And oh my God, am I on fucking fire? I was like, Pauly Shore, the shirt came off. I'm sweating profusiously. I am sweating profusely, Josh Wol. The Air is on Penguin. There was those old rooms that the air came out, and the curtains come up in the air from the power. You had shirt off.

I had the shirt off. Yep. And it was so fucking hot from the speed in my body. I got to remember, guys, I'm 3.55 at this time. At this time was the ascent. I was 3.50 at the time. Not a body made for speed. The sleep at me was in.

Oh, yeah. I was blowing up. Every time you saw me, I gained seven pounds. And I did a line in this fucking speed. And it tasted great. It didn't really burn my nose. And it gave me a tremendous blast, but the junkie piece of shit that I was, not even considering Joshua, I'd do another line of this. And that one put me in orbit, and I'll never forget sitting with the door open.

Even though I was paranoid, it was raining, so nobody was going to come up there in the rain, or at least in my junkie mind. Dog, I was smoking cigarettes in three pugs. And then Felipe came with Rodrigo. I'll never forget how they looked at the ashtray. When they got there at like 1230, I'd already smoked the back of the half, though. This meth was, the speed was killing me. They finally left it like four. They left me like three beers.

I jerked off. I did backflips. I took showers. You know, bro, at fucking nine, I'm still awake, fucking tripping balls by this time. Two lines. Two lines. At 9 a.m., I'm seeing things. I'm hearing the bellman.

I'm hearing the maids. I could smell the pancakes. They had delivered them to my room. It was a horror show. Oh, my God. I'm walking around with sweatpants crawling on the floor, looking under the door to crack, I was fucked up.

So the guy calls the room, hello. Joey, we're going to pick you up in 10 minutes ago. No, no, no, no. I got sick. Can you do me a favor? Can you pay for the hotel room in your car? And something, they covered the room.

And fucking finally, like 11.30 after jerking off probably 17, 18 times. Nothing was coming out. Just a sensation. You didn't drink and beer yet. Yeah. And finally I passed out. I got up. I went to

Southwest. I got in the fucking play. Did you make it to the house? Fuck, no. I got home and I had 20 pages from you. I had a page in those days. Oh. I remember that fucking page. You were the last man on earth. I didn't get the cell phone. You were the

last man on earth with that fucking pink pager oh my god that fucking thing why didn't you have a pink pager because that's how I rang that's what that's what j jay the king of beep is had he fucking refused to get a cell phone and you were like what do I need a cell phone for I'm like to fucking talk to people on the phone listen to me in 2004

I had so many fucking creditors looking for me oh yeah they were lining up where were you living in 2004 2004 I was living that wasn't the YMCA place Yeah, I was living with Terry, and I would get coked up and live at 1440 Gardner. I was hanging out with Jody and Celine got rest of the soul, gentry, and those nights wherever I fell asleep. Because, you know me, once I got alcohol in me, I'm not getting behind a wheel.

That motivation ends. I don't need to get home that bad. But you're never a drinker, though. No, but I will stop drinking at one, and I'll get that car at four. even though I'm a little coked up I'll take the secret route and just be real cool real fucking cool I got coke in the trunk hidden

just in case the cops pull me over you know what I'm saying I already got it hidden yeah you pre-hid your coke yes if I was driving home and it was four or five in the morning sometimes I took sunset that's a fucking chance because they

they would park on sunset Librea you never got into though because we went through that two or three year period where we took a lot of ecstasy but you never got into that shit at all right no because I already had a drug problem with cocaine now I'm gonna open the door for ecstasy that'll really kill me but you went you open the door for heroin I know well heroin I had done in prison I was familiar with heroin that I like it at that time I wasn't sure but in

93 I was living with Georgia was my roommate who was now in San Diego Comic Con with a booth by the way And at that day, Georgie, in those days, when I lived in Georgia, it was me and him in a bedroom. He slept on the couch. I slept on a single kid's bed. My feet hung over the bed. That was the cost, and we wanted to do comedy in New York City as an open mic. Sometimes I drove a limo.

Sometimes I drove a fucking, sometimes I delivered sandwiches for Hashway, or sometimes I just sold cars. I had three suits, one white shirt. It was fucking, my whole life was a scam. I would get home from selling cars. The first thing I did, well, after I did the first line of Coke was wash my shirt. Do you still have those pictures of you on stage in the 3-P suit? Have you shown people those? You used to perform in a 3-P suit.

I don't know. And you used to – here's what was crazy about you. Every night? He used to perform in a 3-P suit in the big shows. Okay. But what was crazy, like, when you first started, on stage, off-stage, you were the funniest fucking person ever. And there was that the switch for you Was when you stopped

Writing jokes at home Like just being a joke teller And just being yourself on stage That was the fucking That happened That happened a couple years after you were here The first The first growth was 99

When me and Carol broke up Yeah That was it That's when you realize And it happened to you also You know I wasn't surprised You got two deals And all this shit

Because You were living Somebody else's problems and it's a tough way to advance your life. I know a lot of people who listen to the show know what I'm talking about when you're dating a guy or a girl and they're hooked on drugs

or something's going on that ain't right and you're fucking, instead of taking care of your shit, you know, you're worried about what the fuck the other person's doing. You know, with Carol, you don't know if she's sucking a dick or taking any ass on $200.

So, you know, it was fucking crazy with her. That shit wears on your soul. And when Jesus showed up, but the tortilla was when we were in Gavin's block and she had the mace and I had the fucking steak, the frozen steak to hit her with it. Because we had just bought steaks to barbecue and all of a sudden we got into a fight.

And that was it. Like I looked at it and I go, what the fuck am I doing with my life? But that was 99. That was 99. And then my car got towed. I went to Miami for three or four weeks. He paid me 400 a week.

I bought a bunch of clothes. down there because in Miami the clothes is cheap two dollars for shirts so I went down there and bought a bunch of clothes I got a little my bearings back and then I came back and I went from couch to fucking couch man yeah but you forget about amadie's car that's a complete different chapter poor am poor Amy are you how many tickets did you get in that car over 50 right I mean you got over over easily it was such a frustration Because Josh never got the registration.

So I can never pay for the registration. Wait, that was my... I can have that car and camouflage. And those black ticket chicks would come over and fucking find them and give it a ticket. You had over 50 tickets. Easy.

I was flat, fucking broke. The biggest income I had those days was finding cell phones at the comedy store and taking them to Crenshaw and selling them to the bank robbers for 40 a cell phone. You know, I had a thousand $40 scams going on.

If things got really tough, you went down to the improv, and you asked them, let me see the checkbox. Yeah. And you went in there. And whoever had the most checks, you just took like five. We did that. We did. Signed them and deposit.

The one you couldn't take who had the most checks, Drew Carey had like a hundred checks in there. That was when he was doing Whose Line Live twice a week. And they were like $75 check, so he didn't fucking care. But there was like, oh, that was also the time that those $5,000. $1,000 checks were being sent to my house from that dude who runs Happy Madison. With Adam Sandler. Yeah.

That's the apartment they had before you moved in. And you were trying to convince me to cash the checks. But it was crazy because that's how much money he was making at the time. Residual checks were coming to different edges. I mean, he didn't even know. No, there had to be at one point, $20, $30,000. I told Lee's, yeah, because he was the producer on fucking all those happy money. Jack Geraraputo or something like that.

Yeah. Hysterical. He ended up fucking hate me. He wasn't the nicest guy in the world. He wasn't the nicest guy. He ended up hating me. He took me off the poster. He did a lot of things at the end.

He put me last with the characters. I heard that he was opting to cut a lot of my scenes. And Adam was like, are you fucking crazy? Yeah. Well, if we had known that, we would have cash those fucking checks. What did he say when you called him and said you had 30 grand for him? We didn't call him. We didn't call him.

We just kept the. checks just in case things got fucked up. And we're going to make a quick getaway. You know what I'm saying? I remember saying to you, you go, we got to cash some of those checks. I go, Joe, we can't cash these checks. There's like $30,000 there. And he said, Josh Wolf, if you had $30,000 with the checks, would you know where they are? And I was like, yeah.

And he goes, this guy's got so much money. He doesn't fucking know where $30,000 are. But this is a thing. I just told you the other day. Sunday mornings I don't fuck around. When I got off the plane And mom isn't in church with the baby I sit down I take my plane tickets How I staple them

I take my two Uber receipts I put them together I write it all out I write the fucking travel The amount I staple it By the time my wife comes home She's got all the receipts

Everything for the weekend I check my Facebook I check the bank account Make sure there's no hanky-panky in that hotel Do you check the bank account? Always Every day Every day

You never know. People tell you that people are robbing people every fucking day. You got to go to this bank. You got to that bank. You got to get cash. Eventually, somebody's going to rob you the debt. You're going to Las Vegas. You put your car in one of those machines.

You're done. That goes to Hong Kong on a fucking waiting list. And when they're really, next holiday, you're going to wake up. And somebody's going to buy fucking bicycles, 20 bicycles. Jacob just had like $500 worth of charges in Tokyo. It's, yeah. Who do you think you're dealing with him? Yeah.

But Joey told me that one day, he, I'm going to be so rich that I'm going to just go to the bank and just count my money every day. Like just, be like, let me in and count the money. How do you torture at you, you hold them down, you take him to the ATM machine, you put his pin number in, and you just keep taking 20s and light him on five. No, no, they got like four guerrillas holding them. That's Tony better, Doug.

What? What are we doing on a Monday? All the spirits of debt out there, we love you, cock-suckers. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Have those stars hit you? Yeah, but I have a pretty high tolerance. Some, okay. But your eyes aren't open at all.

No, yeah. Last week of July, people, August 1st is coming. Two weeks from preseason football. Then where are you going to fall? Fuck, who'll tell you to turn off the music? What are we doing? That's Tony Bennett drop with, you know what I'm saying? That oxygen

fucked me up, though. That missus. You might have to hit that pipe again. Really? It did? Just for like 30 seconds? I can hit the size of a motherfucker. Yeah.

In the 50s and these eyeballs, you can hit the size of motherfuck. What's wrong with your eyeballs? Look at the shape room. There's twilight no per row. Do you want some of that oxygen? Not really, I guess. I'm doing fine over here.

I mean, let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you what the fucking party is, right? What's your favorite sandwich in town right now? Oh, here in L.A. or just in general? Right here. 10 minutes. We go. We can sit on like gentlemen. I'll say the chicken parma at Domingos. Okay, let's pretend tomorrow.

We go to the chicken. We'll tell Josh Woolf. We'll put that oxygen on you for 10, 15 minutes. Then the sandwich will come. And we'll let you eat the sandwich with the air hose in your nose. Okay. You don't know what food is. You know what I'm saying? He doesn't know anything about this shit.

He'll put you a different... We've got to tap that oxygen mask. We've got to get some fucking chemicals to put into the mix of the oxygen. Dude, you can go get one of those on Van Nuys Boulevard. Don't tell him that. Don't tell him, man. You can rent it for 75 bucks a month. Oh, I'm going to be there.

I have to call my insurance. This might be a pre-existing condition because he's going to do too much oxygen. I can't breathe. I got to have oxygen. Yes. He was knocked up police to me. $75 a month.

And how many times they fill it up? Well, it depends how much you go through it. So 75 to rent it right now. And if I have to go back and rent it again, I think it's $20 to fill it up again. But if you run it straight, you can run it straight for two and a half hours. That way you did it for like five minutes.

three a day. He's just going to do it all day. What if I do a half hour a day? I have no idea. I want to do it every day though. Yeah, why not? In the morning when I'm writing with coffee, you blast a half hour with this and your fucking lung stream and your bloodstream from fresh

oxygen. The oxygen is fucking ideally is great. It's like when you go to a different part like when you go to the Pittsburgh Improv, there's a lot of trees. You know, in the back of my, there really is. When you go to these towns, there's a lot of trees. It's right on the river there. It's right in the river there. And I always In the back of my mind, I'm no fucking scientist.

But I thought that trees always made oxygen or carbon monoxide of the sun. Yeah. Trees is where all that stuff comes on. You ever go by a tree and in your mind for some reason, you feel a little cold. Like if you go to North Hollywood Park, tomorrow, go to North Hollywood Park, get out of your car, walk into the middle of the park with the sun shining. There's those trees, but if you go under them, the sun hasn't shining there in 20 years. And for some reason, there's like a little cold vapor.

In my back of my mind, when I go to the kettlebells, I would always go in that little cold vapor and breathe. You do kettlebells at the park? I used to at that park. It's a nice place to go. Bro, I'm surprised I didn't get a heart attack. I would go in there and do 10 sets of 10 swings and 10 minutes. And then I would do those farmer walks back and forth. And then I would do fucking little squats.

I thought I was Johnny Gonsu. Somebody came to me out of your dog. Stop doing that shit. You're going to die in the park. It's 100 fucking degrees out of you. I would get a sun tan. Stop doing that shit. Can I just ask a question?

Was it just shade? Do you think? Yeah, it's shade. That's what it's called. That's what it's called. Yeah. It was something different than just shade? Nah, if you go there early in the morning.

In fact, that park has a weird thing. It does have a heat one. Thank you. Right real close to the 170 inches. gravity drop the trail drops. It's really bizarre and it drops for about 30 yards

correctly 30, 40 yards. Yeah, probably maybe. I'll take you there tomorrow. At 3.30 in the afternoon, we'll start, we'll park and we'll start by the sign and we will walk there a long way and see what happens when you get to that corner.

Why? Change temperature? Crazy. Crazy. Really? It changes temperature? drops because the sun don't hit that for the the I thought you're talking about the hot corner no it's a it's a it's a I thought it was a cooler corner um you've been there more so you're probably right I thought it was a hot corner I used to get third base no this was a very you get and it's weird it gets cool and then again it gets really fucking hot and then you're back of misery you're like wow remember that town in New Jersey that you put your car you drove to it over the you put your car you put your car and neutral and they pulled you up the hill or something like that there's those type of gravity pockets that

I believe they exist and when you're under a tree if it's shooting out oxygen and you're right there you're the first recipient of it you know what I'm saying before anybody breathes this shit I got the first in line yeah you got the cleanest oxygen there is right yeah I think I have the next idea for us Joey

textbooks audio textbooks and you could just read science textbooks oh my god or you could just write a science textbook from the things that he says. That's what I think you should do. You should put it all together. And this is basic science. This isn't like a genius.

Science 101. This is basic fucking science. That's the name of the book. I think this is what you call? Basic fucking science. What else would I have in that? How to get rid of a sore throat? You could do Jewish lightning?

I could do all your lessons. Talk all over from... You could do the peanut. From fucking... Right? I don't know what the peanut. The peanut allergy? Listen to me from

You gotta realize that from Let's be fucking strictly strictly honest here From 83 and Aspen When I was pissing blood out of my ass And I went to the doctor And he had the beginnings of an ulcer And he put me on the pink stuff that you drank

And he would talk to me There'd be a chapter on the pink stuff This guy was a fucking family doctor They'd make me come in there every week And he talked to me like a psychiatrist and asked me how I was doing. He didn't want to prescribe any heavy drugs, which I wasn't looking to get.

And he really helped me. He told me how low my blood pressure. But after that dude, an aspirin, in 83, I didn't go to the doctor-dog to, ooh, 95 in bold on a cold, wintery night. I got a toothpick that turned into an ear infection. I had the toothache for like a month.

You know me. A toothache that turned into an ear infection? Yeah, like it was that bad. I had to go to get penicillin, the whole fucking deal. even when I got here I had that mow. It would swell up and I would squeeze it

and pus would shoot out of it. So if I hated you, I'd sit behind you, and I would squeeze and you'd see it going and it was a little shot of for like an inch of pus. Disgusting. I'm surprised I'm alive. And you get to go to you? Because people die from that shit.

You didn't call it? I finally got really fucked up one day. I had sagged and I didn't know. And I went to see this. first thing I'd ask. No, I didn't know. They asked, and I told him, I think so. I'm with SAG.

And I never saw a bill, never came up in my credit report. You'd have to do, by the way, if you're going to do that basic fucking science, you'd have to do the chapter about the fat ball. A fat ball on my name. You'd have to do a chapter about the fat ball.

What about that time? My mother got me, please don't spill the beans. Please don't spill the beans. It was a very popular game in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. It was you played against him somebody else.

and you had a bunch of beans. There was already a bunch of beans in the so-called kettle, and you would put beans in there, and I think it would rock back and forth, and whoever knocked over the beans lost. That was the object of the game. And I got to be about seven and a half, and this is what I get for Christmas.

And it's Christmas week, and I'm playing my little fucking games. I'm watching my little Spanish soap opera in those days. My mom was in Jersey bartending at the bar, and I'm there with a baby. So the baby says they on the room watching her TV. And I'm playing with this fucking peanut game. And I finally, what the fuck?

What if I put this peanut in my nose? We all do that shit. We put the peanut in the nose. So you pop it out. You put it on the other side. You pop it out. You even put it in and take a chance. And all of a sudden, you pop it out.

And then you're like, you know what? Fuck my ears. Fuck my nose. Let's pop it in my ear. So I popped it in my fucking ear. Kept doing it. Pop it out. I don't know what I was watching.

One time I popped my ears. Pop to it, then, come on. Buck it. I'll leave it there. See what happened. Holiday? I had to be about seven and a half. It was December, the week of Christmas.

I forget all about the bean, though. Sure. I never think about this bean again. It would come to mind from time to time. Would it itch or something? Nothing. Or you couldn't hear out of one of year? I don't know.

I just may believe it wasn't in there. I thought it disintegrated. So finally, one day, like in May. Wasn't a real bean? One day, like in May, my face swells up. May? And my mom And my mom

Oh no I was Don guys I was a fucker Why you're so stubborn My Guys you have no idea Oh my god

And I left it in there Josh Wool And for a month I would have her up All night in pain She would put hot oil in there And Santeria stuff And nothing worked

And finally like in July She took me to see the Sinai They took me in there Doug They looked at the scanners And they go There's something in there You put something like, oh, no, no, no.

The next thing, you know, the doctor lays me down, and he takes this fucking suction thing. He sticks it in my ear for like fucking three minutes. The bean don't come out. And then he goes, we're going in deep. And he went with those fucking things that you stretch out your ears. That's where that came from. And that's where he put the hose in there.

And all of a sudden it's like, and all of a sudden they turned me over. and what came out of my ear was just the bean came out and the bean was cooked my mother sizzled it with the hot oil it was all burnt and shit but under there was a fucking mess i will never ever fuck with my it was like pieces of a candle with blood on them were just coming out of my ear and i pay for that today today i think i got to fuck the beer because things getting in my when i'm sleeping things getting in my in my ears nose or mouth is one of my biggest fears Beth, my wife's cousin, when he was a kid, woke up and there was a cockroach crawling into his mouth because he slipped. Right? He slept with a stocking on his face until he was like 16 years old. He was so scared.

Something was going to crawl into his mouth again. He slept with his mom stalking on his head till I'm assuming he tried to get laid. But he slept Fucking stalking on his face I was gonna ask if there was some sort of guard You could put over your back Yeah fucking stalking That's what I would have done

No that's one of my biggest fears Something crawling into my ear when I'm sleeping Or my mouth Fuck that That's a spider waking up Waking up with a spider on my face Or something like that That shit scares a shit out of me

That you've never woken up With a like a bug in your bed I'm sure I have Oh dude it's the worst That feeling that spider on you To wake you up is like No I don't think of it

When I first moved here I had all those ants Like those little mini ants Did they crawl on you when you were sleeping? No, they didn't call But they might have Because they were right next to my bed I was in like one of those little

Old 1920 bungalow things But you've never had 8 million ants You've never had pretty shit The stuff you used to pull out of your nose Dude was like Does he do that to you? Did he ever eat it in front of you?

Yeah, he knows that fucking kills me more That was with my wife McCulless I got a little The problem is I've got to thing here. Like, I'll show it to you. You get the light.

I don't know. We don't even see it, Joey. It's like a little pimple, but that pimple has a hole. Oh. And it fills up. And I got to catch it at the right time. And I will squeeze that thing.

And it's a snot. I mean, I don't even know why we're talking about this. And it's got to be an inch and a half is beautiful, all-American snot. It comes out of my hand. And it's thick. You can't get it off. I'll play with it for a little lot.

Like a pet. I hang out without talk to it. Like a little pet. Do you name it? No, I don't name it because by that time I eat it. I'm not going to name them, then eat them. That seems cruel. It's a disgusting habit, but guess what?

I saw my daughter eating one of the snots here and I told her you can't do that shit because it's not good. I think it's a family thing. We loved it. And once I discovered cocaine, I really loved them. Cocaine snot is why I really started to love and eat my snot. Because cocaine snots showed up when you needed it. most. We need that last boost in life. Once you gave up, nobody's going to lend you $50.

The worst part about this is that he's talking about like a history of doing it. It's all terrible. That means he's eating hundreds of boogers? Oh. When you do blow for three days, Lee, and then you sleep for a day. What do you think when you wake up happens the first thing you wake up that time? I don't know. Josh Woolf, tell you have a bunch of boogie snots. They're sugar-buggers. It's horrible. Yeah. And the first thing you do, as you're pissing, and looking at yourself in the mirror,

and looking at whoever fell asleep in your house were doing blow is, as you're pissing, you're already taking the toilet paper out. And you snap it, and you blow your nose. And anybody who's done cocaine has looked at that first blow in the morning. I would take that fucking snout. I wouldn't even blow it.

I'd blow it into my hand, like a savage. And it would come out, and I'd peel those last roots out, Like you gotta peel those last pieces out. I do like when there's rude. I'll be honest about that. It does feel good. And it was chunkers of coke.

I mean, you won't be the lighting. I can't, you know. I did it, and I did it mostly when I snorted. But anyway, I don't want to talk about this shit. Well, just after the conversation we had, I thought for an hour, like, the rises of us that we had, the falls, the shows, the what could have. We're still here 23 years later. And Brody's been here 20 of those years with us. I mean, this is pretty fucking cool

That we're still here You sent me that picture of our first lineup together Yeah, we're still at the store last night You had a 10 to 9, I had a 10 to 9 Just to think that this started 23 years ago And nobody knew what the fuck we're doing Nobody really knew But you know, here's what happened is like

The quitters lose That's basically what happened When we first started Everybody's about as funny Do you know what I mean? Everybody's the same I always say that. All right.

Listen, there's no, the funniest person on the planet, his name is Ace Freely. That's the funniest human being on the planet today. He's a top, top, top up there with Dave Chappelle. But then it's hard work. And then it's who's going to keep going. That's what it is. When you sent me that picture of that first lineup we were on, there was only three names that are still doing comedy.

Me, you, and Chappelle. That was the other name on the list of people still doing comedy. That was it. But here's what happens. People come out here, they come out with a dream, and they get a time set, and they give themselves a time set or something,

and they stick out the comedy store for 10 years, and things don't happen. You know what, Joshua? They go back to St. Louis. They hook up with family again. And if they're real comics, they find a way to make a living. They came, they saw,

they conquered as long as they could. Steve Coolew. wrote a beautiful Steve Cooper said after 20-something years my dream didn't come true I didn't make a lot of money Yeah, but I got to meet the nice people going back to Philadelphia and live like a normal human being You know, he gave it a try he had a podcast I'm successful You know, I see his be still alive on On Facebook. He's still But here's the thing is we kept what's that word?

We kept persevering. We kept going dude No, but there's something else even we know we doing is we kept evolving see we a lot of people come and they say this is what we do and this is what i do and they don't evolve as artists you're so much different dude as as as a comic and just like as an artist and as a creative thinker then you can sit down and write now yeah i love it but you never could you could never ever ever do that sit down and write fuck no i'm reading this book that's making me a writing Nazi. So today I went down there and even if

it was old jokes, I wrote them out just to see where the gaps were my time in. I got to go to work, Josh. Well, you know, we want to get to the next fucking Sentinel here. But that's the difference. I like giving people a good show. When that half hour is not there, I feel fucking guilty.

If I give you the first half hour and it's new, fuck it, let's rock and roll. I don't even want you to see my full hour because I want to shoot a fucking special anyway. Right. So I'm not showing up with no fucking new hour for you because half of it's going to be on the special. Let me show up with 30 minutes or new shit that's going to blow your mind. And, you know, 20 minutes, oh, shit, an old clothes or whatever, I can accept that.

But that's what you were saying earlier on the phone when you were talking about the difference between being able to tour with an album. We don't tour. Once you put out that special, you can't do it again. We tour to develop that album. And then we put the tour out. We put the special out. And you've already seen three quarters of the material.

Right. Because you were there in Buffalo the week before we fucking shot it. So that was that 2,000 people that came to that weekend. Also, the people throughout the year or year and a half, however long it took you there, you've been working that material on the road. When you put out a special, they're like, oh, we fucking saw that. We saw that special. Whereas with musicians, they put out the album first, and they tour on their album.

It's completely opposite, right? Well, I mean, don't you think, I mean, what I would think it has to do with is that comedy has to do with surprise, mostly. Do you think once it goes down? Like, there are some specials that hold up, but I think most of them, the first time you watch it, it's going to be the best time. But do you think people want to come and hear jokes from the special? Do you think some people want to hear some of the jokes on special? A thousand percent I do. I go back to music.

I go back to music. And I say to myself, you know what? In fact, I was listening to somebody the other day and they went to the show. See Metallica. One of those guys on Ozzy's Boneyard, and he said, you know what? I was very disappointed because they played all new stuff. I wanted to hear puppets or whatever and this and destruction. You know, people go to Led Zeppelin, they don't want to hear new shit.

They don't want to hear, stay where they're having, rock and roll. Joe, want to hear. We saw Bob Dylan. He didn't play one hit. One fucking hit. He played out at that concert out in the desert last year with Dylan and the Stones and the Who and all guys, right? So we went and saw and I was not too excited to

see Dylan, but I wanted, as long as he's alive, let's go say, and we've seen him. He didn't play one hit. He didn't play one song that anybody knew. No, he played tangled up in blue, but he rearranged it to the point. And I was like, what the fuck is he doing here? We don't want to hear your new, if the

who would come out and play a new album, we'd have been like no, no, no, who's next? Who are you? That's what we want. That's what we came to hear, though. I want you to open up with three songs that blow my fucking heart. apart and then take a warm up talk to us to five minutes and say listen we're telling you people first we're taking the who on the road next year this is one of the new songs on the island that's nobody heard we love you indiana don't that's what the stones did that's how you sell yeah a new song

you don't sell a new song like i used to get fucking pissed when a band but i wanted to go see and i had a thing in my mind what they were going to open up with and they opened up with and they opened up with something different because I heard the night before in Philly they opened up with this like in those days you found out oh in Philly they opened up with fucking uh uh whatever hell bent for leather you're like all right they're gonna open up with hell bent for leather in the city and all your buddies and you would go and they'd be they'd say no they're gonna open up with scream with a vengeance but you knew you heard it the night before they're opening up with hell bent for that you know I'll be waiting to see what the answer was and all of a sudden

fucking hell bent for letting your buddies go fuck you had you know If you think you're dealing with bitch I call for Philadelphia as night You know what I'm saying? The one thing I don't like though With comedians I don't mind if you do stuff from the special On the road

But I don't like if you do like one special And then the next special has The same jokes of the first special I've never seen that before Oh I have I don't want to speak bad of him Because he was very nice to me But John Pennett

He had a couple specials that were just Huh That's so He was very nice. Funny fucking guy. He was hysterical. And the reason why it hurt me so much was because that was my family sat down and watched that special. I say nay, nanny.

That was one of the funny. I still watch it now. It's hysterical. But it's also different, like, because if you go see Journey and they don't play, you know, don't stop believing, whatever your song is, you're going to be fucking mad. But if you go see Chappelle, do you want to hear a joke you've already heard? or do you want to hear what he's got now? Okay. I'm a fan of Chappelle

since before the fucking show. The show, okay? I remember one of his albums before that or something, and that was it. I saw two of the three specials that are on Netflix, but let's pretend I was a fan of Chappelle from the show. I was paying $65,70 for these tickets. I know Chappelle is brilliant enough.

that he's going to do the first 30 his new stuff because Chappelle could do that he does it every night his first 30 is always new you got nothing to lose no he takes you one direction

for 25 minutes an old joke he redos it what do you give a fuck the audience is laughing the show's over that's what you went to see you know

if you go on the board got a web page I'm the cheapest ticket for a comic. Their comics there are charging a lot of money. And I gotta tell you something, I got some bad-ass credits, and they got a lot of money.

I could have raised those tickets, but I don't see it. They're talking themselves out of a market. You know, I used to tour Larry the Cable Guy, right? So his theory was always, his ticket was never more than 4750. Didn't matter where the seat was, didn't matter anything,

that 4750 was the price of the ticket, because his deal was, I would rather have more fans. I don't want to price my, I don't want to give a $100 ticket. I'd rather sell 10,000 tickets at the 50 than 5,000 tickets at the 100. Because one, more fans, but two, that's twice as many people buying merch. Do you know what I mean? And like you're not pricing people out.

You're not making them feel bad about buying the ticket. No, that's the smart thing to do because you keep your fans. Your fans never think that you're raising the prices above them. It's definitely the way to go. But, dude, he used to do, I mean, we sold, we, he sold 53,000 tickets. He sold out that in a brand, that Cornhusker Stadium because he couldn't do the whole stadium because the stage was up against one of the walls. He saw 53,000 fucking tickets.

Larry the cable guy. 53,000 in that stadium. And then he donated the tickets, whatever he made off the tickets, to a charity. didn't keep a didn't keep a his cut he donated it at all 53,000 on the 4th of July what do you do after they they postponed

the fireworks until the next night because he did it on the 4th and everybody at the town was in I think I'm remembering that right somebody might correct me but I'm pretty sure that's what happened they moved it one night because he wanted to do his show on the 4th of July that's how many fucking people were there

they moved the fireworks Oh, and dude, somebody, somebody, this old dude was parachuting into the stadium, right? They, pretending to be him, right? And dressed like him. And it was his last jump out of a plane ever, right? And this was his big retirement jump. So he jumps out of the plane. He's dressed as Larry and you hear the voiceover.

I'm coming down everybody, you know, whatever it is. And then the wind kicks up. And we're like, oh, no. You could see him start to do the pullies. you know what I mean and we're like no he's gonna overshoot this because he's supposed to land on the grass

hit the grass running run behind the stage and then take the parachute off and then Larry runs out on stage dressed the same way so it looks like he well he overshot the grass by about 15 yards and landed straight

into the empty cement bleachers broke his cockic coxick you know that thing that basically I think is your pelvic bone right the coxic. But the show couldn't start until he got up and ran behind the stage. So we're watching the wind go, and I'm like, oh, he's not going to make it. And he's starting to do the pulley things, do the pulley things. And he hits that cement. And we were, everyone in the stands

thought it was like part of the thing. So everyone in the stadium was like, and we were all like, like, oh, no. And he kind of, you could see him kind of struggle to get up. And he kind of waves his hand over because he's got a broken coxics. But everyone on the production team's like, no, you got to come over here, right? Oh, my God. Dude, rolls over. Probably what's the worst. And listen, rolls over.

This was his retirement jump. He was like 68 years old, right? This is where he was going to wave goodbye to everybody. They're going to die in there. He crashes into the bleachers. And he finally makes it behind and collapses and they fix up his whatever, pull him out in a fucking ambulance. but that was a poor old fella that was his last jump I bet there was someone in the ambulance like I know you hurt yourself but next time you really should have just ran a little fast oh no you should when the wind kicked up everybody in production was like this is not going to end well for this guy this is not good for him but doing comedy in front of that many people was terrible I think that comedy's not made for that that size crowd because the the laughter would come and then I'd start my joke again and then I'd start my joke again and then then the laughter would come from the people that far away.

I don't like comedy. I can't see it. I don't care how big you get. That's just a little too big for me. You don't have to control. No. What's your, what's the size you like the most? 400 seats in a small comedy club with bricks.

Yeah. Old school, like the underground. You know, I know there's a lot of comics that listened to the show. That comedy underground was my favorite. Yeah, there's a lot of young comics that listen to this show.

And I applaud you for trying comedy and sticking with it. And, you know, I know where the fuck we both. know what the fuck you are. I still remember being 1996 and the black dude who played the piano

for Stephanie thing came up to the underground on Fridays and Saturdays. Whenever Fridays and Saturdays was a big comic came, me and Josh would always wiggle out of way into that fucking

into that thing. This is 1997. One of us had that emcee spot. This is 21 years ago, people. Just to let you know how hard you got to stay in this. We're talking about living in a shitty apartment.

We're talking about I lived in a car. You remember Mark's dog. Remember Mark Gardner? I live with Mark Gardner. And his dog used to just shit in the living room. Do you remember that Dalmatian, that fucking Dalmatian? I walked into the house and it was so dirty. I ran back to Carol and told I loved it.

He used to let his dog shit in the living room when we were watching TV. He was cooking that black stuff the bones with all the grass. Oh, my God. You had no idea. And I was doing sports booking out of there, sports betting. Yeah. In the back room, and that's what the guys called me and threatened me and shit. If you keep doing it, we're going to fly out there and fuck you up.

You know, it's just to let you people know what the real struggle. And we're still here. This is fucking real. He moved to L.A. maybe six or seven months before I did. And we used to go down to that. Remember, we used to pick up Stanhope, and we'd go down to the improv together in the car. I mean, this is 1997. What street did Stanhope?

live on Curse. That's right. You were on... Vista. Ralphie was on Schrader and Nick DePaolo and Mitch Hedberg

were on with Chiebo is. Yeah. This is a comedy fucking neighborhood. And when I, you know, I told people we go down to Gorky Park.

When we moved there, Gorky Park had Nickelback. You could buy weed down there. And we would go down there and play tennis. Oh, yeah. And we got on there

tennis fuck yeah 20 fucking years of comedy people you dug and miss playing tennis yeah this was a big

fucking growth when you were when we were when we were first starting when you first got here what was your goal for sets per week I know you had

I had no I listen when I first got here I was very scared but I knew I had it out with Carol you know I had it out I was putting away a little money I would clip every night

for an extra 50 from the stocking when she was very scared She stripped. I had a taxa. So I had a little put away. But wait, but you didn't have, but when you first started,

because you kept that notebook, man. We all had, I kept a notebook about every set and what I did and all that shit. And I had a, for me, I wanted to do seven sets a week. That was the goal to get everyone.

At that time, I just, listen, we would come from, I came from Colorado, where I was doing four sets a week and I drove eight hours to do those sets. Yeah,

but you were doing more than four sets. in Seattle. In Seattle? In Seattle, I went up to 30 sets a month. Yeah. And we were fucking working. Monday, the underground, then we went to that bar up top,

where there was cages, and we used to come up there. That was Monday night. Was that Dave Henderson's batting cage place? No, no, there was no batting cage. There were the cages where women go into. Oh, that's right. It was a very bushwha type of place on Monday nights.

So we leave the underground open. open mic which was a fucking you know when I think of the underground if I close my eyes and I think hard about the underground open mic on Monday how can you describe that that was the first thing I think of is Carl woman home honestly the first thing I think about is Carl and his in his little uh was a hat called not a fedora but uh you know the thing the French uh... And guys he was

brilliant I don't wear French hats I'm sorry he would help you write jokes he would comment on your sets whether they were good or bad sometimes he commented negatively

he would bust your balls a little bit too get rid of that joke he was yeah he was the nicest guy in the world nicest guy in the world got your work

you know what else but you know the thing about that open mic that is different than any open mic that I've ever been to since is that comics we sat there to help each other

It was very helpful. Yeah, pitched a lot of jokes. When I first got there, he put me up first. When I left there, I was going up number 16. That was tremendous in there. You cracked a comedian. This was more than I've ever seen anybody get cracked on stage. Do you remember that dude who used to, when he did impressions?

He'd do impersonations. Yeah, yeah. So he would say, this is an impersonation of blah, blah. This is an impersonation of whatever. This is an impersonation of whatever. And Joey went time scream, do your impersonation of a comic and he just fucking

never came back it was a very eclectic set of comics he still thinks about that it was a very you know for guys who were struggling guys I don't want you that we just did a podcast and this just happened this is we're talking about 19

everything from Rita O who was the first transsexual she kept a dick in a jar and she fell off stage I lived with her for a month and she was dealing blow biggest head in the world It was like a fucking party limit.

You lived with Rita O? For a month. I had to call the president of the United States to complain about that room up in Ballard that we went to that time. Oh, yeah. And the guy wouldn't let us curse. It was an open mic way in battle

on Thursday nights. What was the name of that dude who ran giggles? Terry, the worst guy ever. Terry. The worst guy ever. I loved them. Not Terry the Mormon. I liked the guy before Terry the Mormon.

The guy before. Terry the Mormon was a Vietnam vet that got shut down and he forgot shit and I tormented them. What a fucking comedy thing this is. And then we met like Bookers and we would do local gigs. I still remember. Pat Wilson. Pat Wilson, you know, guys, this was one-nighters. She had a fucking Army base on Friday night.

You think you're performing in front of shitty shitty places. At this point, I'm doing comedy six years. I don't know nothing about nothing. And the contest came. I did a feature. I opened up for Laurie Kilmartin. It was my first feature spot. And they said, Joey, stay.

I was doing nothing in Boulder, but I was just going to go to jail. It would, no matter where I was, it was going to be bad anyway. So at least let me do my comedy. In Boulder, it was tough to do comedy and be an open mic. That was a tough market for Uncle Joey.

I had to drive to Wyoming every other Thursday for free. For a one-nighter? A one-night open mic, you know, but great audience. The guy would give you like 40 bucks. You know, and it's an hour and a half drive. You had to catch it.

They had a Chinese restaurant up there that was pretty fucking yummy. It was New York style. They were left over there from the old heroin days. When did you feel like there's that time when you're doing stand-up where you start to feel like all the wheels are on the track? Like you just fucking kind of get it. How long ago was that for you? The first time I knew the wheels were on the track was January of 95.

I knew I was on to something. Not something big, but I knew I was on to something that I might be able to make a small living doing. And if I could stay off the drugs, if I can manage a way, maybe I could do something with this. But for right now,

I just want to make money and get out of the environment and I'm in. That's how I looked at it. When people offered me those road gigs, yes, it was about the state's time. But it was also about getting out of the environment I was in. So comedy, like, kind of saved me at that time. And I kept doing it and doing it and doing it. In Seattle, 95?

The first time I got to Seattle in June, July, like 1st of 1995. I got there on a Saturday. And Carol, I got there on a Friday night, like a 4 in the morning. We got up early I must have like $300 in my pocket We got up early Some restaurant for breakfast With eggs and shit

And water outside And then we started walking And I saw that comedy underground The sign The Joker on the Yeah Yeah yeah And I saw that

My heart stopped I had seen it for years In that comedy newspaper That was one of my goals Was to perform that Holy fuck Holy fuck Holy fuck

I'm walking past the place that for the last year at night I opened this newspaper up in front and I snore coke and the back of my mind I go someday I'm gonna be gonna look to perform there I'd be all coked up and here I am in front of it

I got the fucking number down and I started calling that motherfucker why aren't you answering it's 11 in the morning on a Saturday you know like I'm like what the fuck I want to perform there like I'm ready like that was I got fucking wired up. And I called and they go, no, you can't come up,

but come and sign up for a Monday night. And I walked in there, and there you were, with a fucking hat on, with a jersey on. Oh, yeah. Johnny attitude and shit. And you said, come around and do the open mic. I don't know what's going on. And you had to leave because you had to go bartend.

Yeah. And I did the open mic, and I was blown away. And he goes, come back tomorrow night. That was it. Carl ran that the way open mic should be run, though. He really did. He let the lunatics run the asylum as long as it stayed in the primord as he wanted. But he allowed us to be as creative as he wanted.

He didn't, if you went on stage and did three or five minutes every week of new shit that was ridiculous, he let Brody bring that homeless clown on stage. He really didn't care. He just wanted you to get on stage and do something that was true to you. He was the best. This is why you stick with comedy people. I know it's kind of rough in the beginning or anything that you're doing, any art that you're doing.

But from time to time, I'm talking if you're doing it right, and if you're really working and put your soul to it, every 60 to 90 days, you should see like this, something happens. Something happens that gives you hope to keep your life for another 60 and 90 days. And the first time it happened for me

was maybe January of 95. So I moved to Seattle in July of 95 with not big expectations. I'm expecting to be a shitty comic in a really good market. But then something dawns on me.

Yeah, they're great comics, but there ain't nobody appear like me. And there's a bunch of the Yorkers up here. We might be on to a little something, you know what I'm saying? That's how you have to think at that. And that's the hook I had. And after a few open mics there, I just felt

at home. I didn't have a home in Denver. I've been banned for sexual harassment. I couldn't go back to that market and do those fucking C-rooms. That was not me. I knew that in the beginning. That wasn't me. I was not going to do those C-rooms in Denver. I was either a Comedy Works guy,

or I'm not doing it. That's what I'm saying, Lee, that type of attitude, like, I'm not, that's the first time I've told this to anybody. When I got thrown out of the Comedy Works, I had zero going on in my life. I was about to fucking kill somebody. That's like taking the fucking, that's like them calling you tomorrow and go you're banned from all three clubs you have to sit here and go what the

fuck am i going to do here you can still make a living but in colorado what am i got those two rooms that was the first decision but i'm living with carroll she's a fucking whore but she sticks a tongue in my ass and i rob her and she cooks dinner for me and you know she lets me pull her hair and spit in her mouth and i was in fucking pain the daughter And the divorce now. One minute you work, I was working on Roobes. I put away $28,000 the next minute you're broke, and all your credit cards.

You already wrote all the Discover checks. You're out of those. I mean, I was in a horrible place in my life. You really think I was in love with Carol. I was addicted to her licking my asshole. I was a freak. I was a nasty asshole. Whenever you gave her three lines of Coke,

it was a fucking party. You can light her on fire. You know, she even talked. told me like a year ago you know I don't even know I don't just I'm so good at sucking dick and licking ass home she told me she's still doing shit how wait how old is she 50 if I'm 54 she's 49 but you know that's how deep those cuts were like we learned something from Carol we both did oh yeah you know she grew up in a fucking farm yeah cult God knows what happened to her look she's 49 years old and she's

still God going through Where's she there? She's in Florida? Florida. The capital of fucking Chlamydia. The capital of Chlamydia and dirty feet. She's right in the middle of that. Because if she's not around dirty people, as much as she's worth as a woman, she can't be happy.

But she never was happy. She was always trying to be a socialite. That was the thing. When she was with that old guy, when she was 20, she wanted to be that chick from, what's the boat, Titanic? where you come in and they like your cigarettes and there's no work you just go on a yacht the next day and you go to a vineyard and you rent the corvette and drive up the coast that was her life but she couldn't accept it dog it was a weird experiment for me to watch and to look at 20 years later like how deep those cuts were from the things her parents did that her i mean you know it wasn't

that somebody it wasn't that an uncle molester as much as her parents giving her to the cult leader and the father would sleep in one room and the cult leader would bang his wife and then bang the daughters. You got to cut his toenails. They told me the whole story, bro.

But dude, that's why you two lasted for as long as you did. You were both broken as fuck. Broken? Yeah, you were both broken as fuck. I was broken as a fucking, and all I wanted in this whole thing was just to do comedy.

Did I want the tonight show? No. Did I want no? Nothing. All I wanted to do was work a little bit as a feature act, make a little living, get an apartment. Maybe, maybe be an extra. We did some of that shit. You know, man.

No, I never did it. We did. Yeah, I did some of that shit. I never did it. That 50 or $75 a day was huge. No, no, no, no, no. I remember booking that first commercial going, oh, fuck no. Because before I booked that first commercial, I'm like, I'm going to be an extra.

the guy would hang at the comedy store in 97 and go look you want to work on the Titanic tomorrow and at that time we had a friend that was working on the Titanic Tina. Is she still here? I don't think so. I don't think so. You know who is he still here? Remember Lauren Peltz? That waitress at the comedy store?

I asked Eleanor about her last week. Yeah, she's married to, I guess, a huge... You remember who I'm talking about Lauren? She kind of did some comedy. She did comedy and weighted tables. and she was working at a big agency she lost a child but just every you know it's like right now

if you like I was talking I was speaking with Lee and we're talking about a young comedian friend of the boys and I said Lee this is what he needs to do if he doesn't stick to this plan it ain't gonna work how do I know we lived it

you know what I had to do for me so for me when I was first starting especially living in that apartment with the kids. So every day I got up and I, my goal was not my goal. What I had to do was I had to do five things for myself. Even if some days it could just be five phone calls. But I had to make sure I did five things for myself to push my career. I wouldn't go to sleep until I had done whether it was right five minutes of jokes, get on a phone to call in spots, whatever it was. I made sure I did five things a day for myself. And I found man, the more I did that,

the more shit started coming to me. That was for me what I had to do. I had to make sure that every day I hit that goal of five things for me and my career, no matter what time I did them or who I had to do them with, five things. And when you put that amount of shit,

keep put... That's what you do, dude. That's what you do. You're on... A phone call with you lasts... I don't know. There's ranges. Yeah.

Could be 15 seconds. Yeah. I think Max's, like two 45 but one of the one of the one of the one of the one of the magic what of your thing is that you what are your thing is that you're constantly pushing your energy forward always you never stops never stops it's frustrating why that's why you are where you are because you never stop pushing your energy for it's really funny a day i was writing about something i thought about lee and not lee in general i did not blaming lee for this i thought about the milwaukee that

they sell us as a young person that I'm going to work Monday through Friday and I'm going to be successful and I'll be able to take vacations and you know by a car on a house work and all this shit and the conclusion comes one day and there's a bad

day where you're like wait a second I got to work Saturdays and the next thing you know you got to work Sundays and you do it for a while and your friends blast you and your parents blast you. You're putting away a little extra money but you learn a valuable lesson

that it's every day you know from selling cars I learned one thing that every day at 9 o'clock is a new day whatever happened yesterday you got a new day to make a living

don't give up you know and that's the mentality every day at 9 a.m. you got to have a plan and what did you say last night when we were at the store you were like as long as I find one thing one thing

I found one thing on stage last night that makes it a great night one thing And sometimes, like, I learn as much from a joke that doesn't work than from a joke that does work. Because I'm like, oh, that's obviously not something that I should ever fucking try again. But last night I learned, I picked up one thing for this joke that it's been a hole in the joke. You know, like, when you keep working one part of a joke over and over and you can't fucking find that one spot, last night I found it. It made the whole night perfect.

This is what was good about Seattle. So I got to Seattle on a Saturday. And that Friday, I had Idaho. I had the... Moscow, Idaho. Friday and Saturday with Vince Valenzuela. I used to go with Darylonex. He withdrobed me, and we got drunk on tequila.

And after I got those little jobs, and the Cuban guy booked me, and everybody was booking me. And after I got those jobs, I'm like, I'm not going back to Boulder. I started the sports betting stuff. Once I did the contest, I was in. So I started getting a little bit of confidence. Me and Carol, every day was a different adventure. but then something happened.

That June, Doug Stanhold came to town. And I'll never forget that second show Friday night. I had plans to do stuff at the underground. I canceled. It took me two days to get over with Stanhope and done that late show. And I'm like, this is what I'm talking about. He's been wrecking rooms for 20 years. I go, if I don't do this, it's not going to work out for me.

So, Bob, I get my shit together. I'm back at the underground. We're doing all the whatever room. all the Pat Wilson rooms. We're doing Ron Reed's wife rooms, who had great rooms. I'm doing the volcano room. Laura, whatever, who had room, Laura Crocker.

Yeah. And then there was the girl out of Portland, Oregon that gave us rooms all through Portland. Yeah. She used to have the Mexican chain, La Mugherty Margarita. Yeah. That Laura Crocker had up at Bellingham. And then we had Bellingham on Sundays.

It was a very good comedy fucking market at the time. I was working every fucking weekend. And I was having deep, deep problems with this girl. And finally, I went somewhere that paid me more than usual. We're living on Al-Qaeda Beach, okay? And I get, like, in those days, if I made $3.50, it was a lot. Somebody fucked up and gave me like $600. So what do I want to do?

I want to do. I want to Romeo Jones. I go down there, she had three with the tax that I order from something. She haps a yardstick from me A yardstick, at least if she blows me We'll be even I take her for lunch We go back

Let's go shopping so we could cook turkey burgers And I'm thinking I'm gonna give her a stabbing shit I go back there She makes turkey burgers The best turkey burgers you ever had With a fucking marinate glaze With mushrooms and onion buns She was brilliant

With mustard it was brilliant You give credit We're credit She was She really was There was some things she could cook And at the end of this, she goes, well, what are you going to do tonight? I go, what do you mean?

I got to do? She goes, it's Monday. I got a strip. And you can't stay in my house no more. We have a restraining on around each other. I go, so wait a second. I just, you took me for a yardstick. Then you got me for a yardstick in groceries on Al-Kine Market, which is for fucking things.

Then you took me for another yardstick for lunch. And now you're telling me, I can't sleep here tonight and give you a little stab. She's like, no, because one night will turn into two. and three nights will turn into three and whatever the fuck that was I don't even know the purpose of the story hit me what was they saying about uh I don't know we don't remember either no I mean you were you were just saying that you went and got 600 right so she throws me out she cannot stay here fuck you I go so how am I going to get up to the open mic and she goes I'll give you ride to the other mic.

And I get in the fucking car guys and I'm steaming the hallway. I'm steaming the hallway. And usually she'd just be saying shit to me to like backhandling the fucking head and then we go hand-to-hand combat dog meat. Did she throw hands? Oh, she threw hands. She pulled hair. She went for eyes.

She was fucking crazy. We're driving up. And I'm like, thank you for this day it was cop. I go, thank you for fucking throwing me out on the walls after you took my money. And she's like, you next time whatever and I

fucking closed the door and I go down to the open mic and I still got like two yards left I go upstairs I got a package I don't know who the far I don't remember we used to get packets from those days and I went downstairs got a tequila my name was number 14 on the list I knew nothing about comedy but I was furious guys

I was furious and humiliated me in reality it cost me three yards for the blowjob I couldn't you know what I'm saying What the fuck is wrong with my life? And the turkey burger? Yeah, he did get a turkey burger out of the deal. But that morning I had wrote some fucking jokes that I thought, you know, this is it.

This is my Saturday Night Live audition. And I go up to that Monday night, there's 50 people. And you get six minutes. And my first minute, Josh Woolf was all those stupid handwritten jokes I used to write. Yeah. Thinking I was fucking Johnny Leone. And they were bombing. And I go, you know what?

Fuck you people. I go, fuck you people. Guess what just happened to me? I was with a stripper, and that's, I just went off on the situation. She took my money, but I don't even know what I said, but it was just huge. It just kept going, and then I went until now I know

why O.J. killed his wife, which was fresh at that time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, this is why he fucking killed her because he pays it. And I just went off on this thing, and I blew up that room. I had never. ever, ever, ever in the five years of comedy, had I ever done that.

I was free, like this was what I was supposed to be doing, was bitching about what just fucking happened, okay? I just made six of the first time in two fucking years, and somebody took 300, and they went nuts. That's when I realized how much emotion played into comedy. Oh, yeah. I really learned, like that was, like a breakthrough form. That's what I was saying last night,

with what I could tell the new the new material you were not delivering like you knew it was funny. The old material you had the play you had nine applause breaks. Do you know what I mean? Because you delivered it with that passion that you're talking about. That's the whole part of

telling a story man. The whole thing about telling the story is that can you convince these people to come along on the ride for it? And you definitely fucking do. You know it's not what you say. It's how you say. It's so weird how many times I've seen people, the faster I talk and just keep talking to them and hanging in there, I see them getting on the train.

It's a really interesting thing to see from the stage. It doesn't happen a lot. It happens now because I've been doing it for 25 years. But sometimes at the comedy store, even if they're there to see you, you go up there and your first two minutes is slow. Yeah. And as soon as that happens, I think about Bill Hicks under Rodney Dangerfield special. He had to follow Dice.

Dice just destroyed the fucking room. and Bill Hicks went up there like nothing even happened and he started with a stupid fucking story got a couple laughs and bam he had him and they just started sucking you in telling you about some hotel and something Alabama Lee Bill Hicks

Rodney Danger feels special let's watch the six minutes so everybody can learn an education you can listen to us you're gonna want I mean Andrew Dice Clay that was at the high They had the Dice Clan, you know. That was the very beginning, right?

Seinfeld. Who taped those 10? It was the 10 best comics on America. I think Peewey Herman did. No, no, no, no. It was over. Wait, no. Peewee did a Dangerfields. Not one of these.

Not one of these. This was not this series. Watch this. Listen to this. He just follows dice. Click this Lee. You ever see this Lee, say it? I think you probably showed it to me. No.

No? Listen to the applause, Dice, Dice. Watch Rodney. All right, folks. All right, here's a guy from Houston, Texas, okay? And he's really far out. In fact, he's so far ahead of his time, his parents haven't met yet.

Here he is, Bill Hicks. Guys, if you're listening at home, I want you to know that he just walked in, watch him web this weave. All right. Thank you very much. I'm from Houston, Texas. Thank you.

Simply means as a performer, I perform in places you people only see on Raw Hyde. I actually go to these hillbilly podunk hellholes such as Oklahoma. Thank you very much. A veritable entertainment mecca. The only state Arkansas I can make fun of.

When you got Arkansas racking your ass, you're pretty low down in the food chain, I think. Here's a quick impression of Oklahoma. Those you'll never been. That was inside the club I was working. In Oklahoma, think the Marlboro man is a pussy. He's following. dice.

Town is so small, you know, in hotel rooms, you got to push nine to get an outside line. I push nine and got the Elmer Dinkley residence. Hello? Who's this? Elmer Dinkley, you just called my house. Your phone number is nine? Yeah, my cousins is 23. I had to write that one down.

Wrote it on my forehead. I keep calling 32. They're nice people. They're just from Oklahoma. Had a guy come up to me after the show. Could have been that same guy, Elmer, I think, came up very excited. He goes, hey, man, you crack me up. I was laughing something fierce.

I'd like you to meet my wife and sister. And there was one girl standing there. Now, remember, he was doing crazy shit that nobody was doing. Now everybody does this joke. Hollywood Boulevard at a movie theater place that played nothing but horror movies. frightening people that went to those things man it's scarier than the goddamn movies you could hear stuff in that audience like I remember when I could off a head how many smokers we got here how many non-smokers non-smokers non-smokers

that's a wine and maggots a bunch of wine and maggots you people. Non-smokers don't know the meaning of life to you start coughing up brown chunks of lung on your pillow in the moment. You start coughing up smurfs, life takes on a whole new fucking man. There is good news for smokers. I'm sure y'all have noticed. Certain General's warnings are different on the sides of each pack. That's pretty cool. Might say certain generals warning, cigarette smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth. Hey, fuck it. Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer. It is your body you should shop around that thing.

I can live with low birth weight, you know? That's nice as cigarette companies come out with different types of diseases. You find the one you can live with. Continue to smoke. Like, what do you smoking, Tom? Uh, throat polyps. I'm going to stick with my yellow fingernails, buddy. I can live with yellow fingernails.

I know guys, do they're going to be. I was reading about Vincent Van Gogh. You know what he did? Cut off his ear, sent it to the girl that left him. Yeah, that makes a dozen rows just look like a bugger, doesn't it? Damn, Vince, you sure she's the one? Vince, think about it. Vince is going, what?

Is that Susie? Did she call back? What? He got him, though. New York City. You get me. The East Side, white dude from Texas fucking them up. But I decided over this breakup, Aaron, why get bitter about all women because of one? So I looked on the bright side. I think it helped my career.

She left me. Fine. I'm definitely a driven man now. I'm driven by a fantasy. The one day this girl who I love more than anyone in the world, and I gave my heart too, and she said she loved me and left. One day this girl's going to be living in a trailer park somewhere in Oklahoma. She's going to have nine naked little kids with rickets

That bring home dead animals from the side of the road for them to eat She's gonna live with an ex-welder 600 pounds fur all over his back Drinks warm beers and farts and belches and beats the kids Watches a dukes of hazards every day Has to have it explained to him One night he's gonna be making love to her and his heart's gonna explode and she's gonna be trapped under 600 pounds and of flaccid fish belly cellulete shifting like the tides of the ocean

as blood flim and bile and a chob tobacco pours out of his mouth and nose into her face yeah that's it just before she drowns in that chunky puddle of afterbirth she turns to the television and I'm going to be on this show so don't get better

thank you very much that's comedy One on one. I get emotional because I remember how many times this was my world. I watched the people at that video store stop charging me for it. I would go get this every fucking day and watch it. What year? 10 times.

93, 94, 95. This and the BETT All-Stars with Joe Tori is the host. Who was on that? Joe Tori was fucking hilarious. Martin, Billy, Bill Bellamy. Uh-huh. That's what I remember. Those are my three favorites.

And that was this tape here. I grew more from watching this tape. Dice Clay was my favorite at that time in Kennison, who did sensational sets on this show. But this kid, really, I learned from this set. He had to follow hell. Joe, I told you about opening for St. for Kinnison, right?

I've told you that story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You and Ralphian. So I was living in San Antonio at the time, and they were, he was traveling to San Antonio, and Carl Leboe was his opener. And Carl's dad had passed, I think, of AIDS, or one of the, something like that. So on the trip, so Carl couldn't come. So I had won a, I had won a comedy contest at a bar, like the night before.

So the promoter had heard about the comedy contest. This was like my fourth time on stage. and said, hey, who won the contest? And the guy called me and he said, do you want to open for Kinnison who's coming to town? This was like, I guess, feels like 92 maybe, something like that. And it's like the fourth or fifth time I'm ever on stage. I'm in college.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And I go, yeah, hell yeah, I'll do it. And so the guy goes, okay, so you got to have 20 minutes. And I was like, oh, shit. At that time, I maybe have 30 seconds. 30 seconds, right? So I'm like, okay. But listen, you know as a young comic,

you put too much time into what you're going to wear. You know, that kind of like, so the first thing I was like, what am I going to wear on stage? Do I bring a drink up to be cool? Yeah, yeah, the whole thing. Yeah. At that time I had a ponytail

that came down to basically the middle of my back. I was wearing a, this was the worst. I walked on stage with that ponytail, a black motorcycle jacket, a blue buttoned down shirt tucked in my acid-washed jeans. I walk on stage with, and his

manager, who is his brother, Bill, said, hey, can you do 30? I think Sam's only going to do like 50. And I'm like, yeah, no problem. Can I tell you how bad that first show was? We were doing two shows. They stopped heckling me and just started talking to each other.

That's how bad. And I looked down and I was like, I had 23 more minutes. And at this point, none of them were listening to a fucking word I was saying. And I did a couple of jokes twice. I did a couple. I was like, hey, how are you doing?

Where you're from? And I look down, I'm at 18 minutes. I'm like, oh, my fucking God. It's a nightmare. So I finally get through it. Sam goes up and he's fucked up. This was when he was supposedly sober, but he wasn't. So in between shows, Bill, his brother goes, hey, I don't know how much time Sam's

going to do second show. Just plan on you doing 30, but you might have to do more. And I said, did you watch the first? show? And he's like, no, I missed it. How to go? I'm like, not great. And he goes, well, if you see me on the side of stage doing this motion, you got a stretch. So the same thing happened, second show. Joe, I got eight, when you say eight minutes, that's not what I got. Your fifth time on stage, I got like two jokes. That's it. And we're going through the same thing. They're heckling. And they stop today. They just start talking. I look over the side of

stage at about 20. And Bill's doing the stretch. And I'm like, oh, my God. And he mounts. He was like 40, like 20 more minutes. I got 20 more minutes of this just beating. It was a fucking complete beating. And I got off stage and he got on stage and he was, it didn't matter what he said at that point in time. He was crushing just when he opened his mouth regardless. But when he broke out that guitar, dude. And this was the first guy had ever seen perform in a rock club.

It wasn't out of comedy club. He was performing at rock clubs, you know, because his fans were, like a, that was a rock and roll fan. And they, he got out that guitar and that place went fucking bananas. But it was to this day the worst, the worst night of comedy in my life. Because I, they didn't give, it's not that they didn't give a fuck about me. They wanted me to like die. They wanted me off the stage violently.

Did you feel bad afterward? Yes. Did you go home and write? Did you buy the Judy Carter comedy book at that point? I felt bad because I was like I rude like I these guys pay tickets pay money and of course they were coming to see Kinnison but I said that I could do the job and I just tanked that made me feel bad man when I don't do well I feel bad about that it's funny how as comedians is anything in life sometimes we move ahead of who the fuck you are yeah maybe you go to a mechanic class and you're three months in and you think you know how to do something and you tell someone I'll do it for half the price and there was something you didn't foresee. And now you end up losing 300. And that's how you learn lessons in life, you know?

For me, I was a hustler. When I moved back to Boulder in 94, and I saw what they were doing in comedy in New York, making you bring five people. They didn't do that at the underground. Sell tickets at the street. You know, they made you do a lot of stuff. I was there to snort coke and recover a divorce.

I was there to go home and get my boss back. You know what I'm saying? I lost my balls. My compass was off. I went home. I did some comedy in the city. I learned what it was. When I went back, I started using my hustle.

Listen, I talked to you on a Saturday. You told me the names of the producers that Monday. That Tuesday, I went back, and I asked around. And by Wednesday, I called every producer in Seattle and told them I was moving up there. I was looking for work. Everybody got a fax. In those days, you had a faxure of fails.

Yeah. And that's what I made up. So when I went to Boulder in 93, I decided, I looked at the entertainment section, and I looked to see who had comics. And the Fox Theater had a comic once a month. You know, I forget who was coming in those days, but they were pretty big names. So when I just went to the box on it, I'm mad at you here, yeah. Listen, ma'am, my name is Joey Diaz. I'm from Boulder.

I wasn't going to college. I told him I'm going to college now. I was on like probation. I was going to bracelet. And I'm like, listen, man, you know, if you ever need a comic to open up for a band, call me. Even if it's from, you know, a couple dollars, I'll do it. All right, good to know. I would go in there every 30 days, Joshua.

You know me, dog. I see that Josh Wolf coming to town. Can I help him from? No, he's bringing somebody. But thanks for coming by, kid. One fucking day, my pager goes off. It's a fucking bolder number. I call it back.

He's like, hey, Jimmy, the Fox Dita. Can you be here at 7.30 till that? I'm like, what's going on? He goes, you got to open up for iced tea. He had just like, it's 94. It's 94, 95. He had just left NWA, okay? I am in the mirror.

I am, I am divorced. I have no money. I had maybe five pair of pants. You know, I was living off of bed. And this is a $100 gig. You know what $100 was to me in those days? Are you kidding me? Oh, yeah.

First try I give the drug dealer 40. and it would buy me another week and I'd get a gram or half an eight ball from number one. Or I'd just have to pay somebody a 50, so at least I had coverage for a snorts tonight. Plus, I had $50 just to have pocket money. I was flat broke. So my ego got in front of my comedy.

At that time, I had come on, guys, I had seven minutes if I was fucking lucky. I didn't know how to improvise. I didn't know how to, well, I'm lying to you guys. I did know how to improvise, and I was starting to depend too much about it. Yeah, but it's hard to improvise in front of the music crowd. In front of the music crowd.

New York City taught me bad habits. Hey, what's going? You know, two minutes of material. It's not going your way. Hey, what's going on here? Where are you from Brooklyn? What are you doing? I'm a welder.

Who's this brood over here? You're fucking in here. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And that's what they do. I didn't like that. I had to break that habit. When I played basketball, I was a great ball play. You know, my knock was, I always put the ball on the floor after a rebound.

my coaches would make me drill just if you put that ball down just drop and do 200 push-ups I always did something there was always that burp you know so now I was carrying over into comedy dog I got there the whole room smelled like a reefer

they put me in the green room I didn't know what green room was guys like this is the green room what oh okay you sit here until we come get you okay and then Ice Cube came with 20 black dudes everybody was smoking blunts they came back and gave me a little brunt

little brother, ice cube shook my hand, go out there and rock their world. Oh, Jesus Christ. At the minute mark, I knew it was over. How much times do you have to do? 20. Hold on. It was Bayer, Asuka,

Bayer. Now somebody challenges me. Oh, that's a real Jew fart right there. That's the wreck from the asshole of Auschwitz. You know what I'm saying? I took that fucking $100. I ate a slow bag of dicks. right

I mean I ate a terrible bag of dicks I saw people weeks later who were recognized me and go you opened up for ice cube that night man that was a rough night

oh my god it was embarrassing I brought my girlfriend to that Sam Kinnison's show when I see her still this was however many years ago she still do you remember how bad you did

I'm like yeah I fucking remember how bad I did you think I'm gonna forget that one of the you never the look on people's faces is what I cannot I'll never forget. Just the look of just like, it wasn't even disgust, dude.

They were just like, it was that look like, you shouldn't be doing this. This is not for you. That was rough. But those shows, when you do, would do the 1.30 show at the comedy store. When you did the open mic at the Comedy Underground in front of seven people, that's how you get good. Wednesday nights at the Comedy Underground. taught you how to be a promoter and a comic. Yeah.

Pass out flies. We took the money and we went to McCormick and Schmitz. Yeah. We got the seafood. It was an education. I never, one of the things, when I bumped into Slash one time, I said, what did that happen with Axel Rose? And he goes, the truth is, you're broke right now.

Yeah, you're struggling, but you're working. He goes, you're working towards your goal. He goes, you're going to suffer for a while. One day you're going to hit, and I want you to always remember these times. because when you start getting the big checks, I don't want you to go crazy and doubt your abilities. That's what happens to most people.

We put the work in. Just here, 22. I know this is 1995, and we've been here 20 fucking years. So, you know, the work has been, but I was still thinking of the night when we went, we did the thing, the black dude ran to the jaguar

and took us to a strip club, and we got coked, and we got all fucked up at that strip club. I was thinking about that. night you know this is part of your open my career I was thinking about that look I was thinking about eating that chocolate uh Mollay that guy used to Oh Which was the best Mexican food that from my restaurant that restaurant that chicken

moly was the best thing the best Mexican food I was just such a and his brother who had one eye and had that one eye poked out in in uh in that fight remember he had that one eye that was all fucked yeah you know it's crazy that i paid a hundred 25 hours a month to sleep in an office. And I would sleep up there. I'd be up there at 4 in the morning. I'd hear the cleaning lady. I wouldn't let her in because I was in there

whacking off the end of the bag of the Coke. I'd be pissing in the Coke bottle and then I'd empty it in the morning. And I would sit there and go, what the fuck? Is this comedy shit really worth? Like, I'm in now. Like, when I was in Seattle was when I realized I was in.

Like, when I ended up sleeping at Lionel's house is a couple of nights a week, you know, here I am at, you know, Heroin Central, that he was smoking crack. You know, I knew I was in as a comic that I had chose this fucking life.

And the next thing you know, bro, some dude is coming up to me talking about a pilot for CBS and I got to come back to fucking L.A. with him to the rehearse and I'm like,

what are you talking about? And he goes, I got this, I'm up here for the holidays and I came to the comedy club my mother and you made me laugh. You speak Spanish. I go, yeah,

he goes you'd be perfect. You're already in fucking... I was in L.A. You're already in L. But by that time, when you left, I picked up a tremendous job. These white dudes got together. Because at that time in Seattle, there was a brilliant white invasion of new computer ideas. So these white dudes got together and had this idea to during a football game,

at least I had with a fell for this, during a football game, while you're watching halftime in the festivities on the left side of your screen, A blinker would go off And say, Pizza Hut, right now Call this number and get $2 off your order And you call the pizza place And they would deliver it with the code These guys had this investor

This was the job So our job, we got hired for eight weeks Josh woke there paying me $15 in hell I was calling three people a day I was in their faxin comedy clubs all over the country I'm telling them I'm a feature act I'm crushing up here I just took six nine

the Seattle comedy competition. Sending out a VHS tape? I never sent out a tape. You never did? No. The first time I sent out of tape was in L.A. and I sent a blank tape to Mark Babbitt. And they called me back and he said it was great.

Wendy Warrant date with Bobby Slate. I never sent the tape out. I would call him. I'd use a reference. Can you send a tape? And then we'll talk. There was some clubs that were relentless about the tape. There were some clubs that I dropped so many. There were so many clubs I just called and dropped so many names and references that they say,

if something opens up, we'll call you. I got a call from Florida one time. Hey, can you be down here next week? It pays $300 to MC, you're MC for this person. It was the club in not Fort Laude there at the time, Uncle Fonis. Oh, yeah. Did you ever do that place in Sarasota, McCurdy's? No, they don't want me in there.

They don't want her to do it, Uncle Joey, you know. Although that's a small club Yeah It's family owned Yeah You have to be semi-clean Yeah I haven't been there a long time Yeah you have to be semi-clean

They already know what they want And they have a fixed budget At that place Yeah they have a fixed budget To it's either that's what you take You gotta be clean There was a couple of reprimands And I just moved down

I want to be free When did you get unbanned From the Comedy Works The Comedy Works thing was a weird thing bro because even as it was happening I could look you in the eye and tell you it was a sign I knew something was gonna happen

I don't know if it was gonna be good or it was gonna be bad you wake up every day and go I got a hole in the pit of my stomach that something's gonna happen it was going terrible with my ex-wife and a kid it was going just terrible the visitations the listen I would pick her up

broke. I'd have to get Chinese food on the own. For me to get money to do some with it, I was shoplifting and bringing shit back. I was just an animal, you know. And I was scraping by, paying 400 a month rent, 15 a month for a beep or 10 a month for a mailbox.

I was off the radar, Jack. I owed too much money. I was done. You weren't going to find me. And they didn't. They stopped calling. They stopped. I was getting calls at comedy clubs, bro. I remember you, but you still used those mailbox places in LA

didn't you? Was that you or Gavin who used the mailbox places? I have one now for people from the podcast, you know, to send stuff to you have to. Yeah, I, uh, I never did when I was doing

early on. The one thing I never did that you did, that I wish I had is early on, you know how you let go on stage? That took me so much longer, dude. It took me so much longer to figure out how to do that. I was angry. But it's like...

Unless I did the material angry that I was talking about, I couldn't get it over. And I finally discovered it. And you left. And I had a situation with Carol. So Laura Crocker did not book me. Laura Crocker did not book me. And at the time, she had a monopoly of rooms. Oh, yes.

She had three weeks of Tuesday through Sunday rooms. She didn't book you? No. She said, I can't book. booked you because of your situation with Carol. I said, okay. I took it like a man. I didn't hate on her. But what I did do was, I used it at my advantage. I would call her every Wednesday and go, hey, do you mind if I drive up to Bremerton and do your room up there as a guest spot? And she would go, no, not really. And I would get up there and clean out the room. And the guy would go, how come

you don't get booked yet? I go, tell a long story. And I did that three nights a week to annoy it. But at the same time, she was making me a better comic. because that would always be and I would do it for free Jack I did that for free when you left Seattle it turned wild for me dog it turned wild I was selling police

subscriptions I remember that yeah I remember that and those guys were fucking swindlers but they were giving me cash advances when somebody gives me a catfish advance I lurk I show up on time you know what I'm saying

yeah because they always come through for you come through for the If I would make $2.50, I'd always get them up for one in a quarter. We can't do that. Come on, give me the yardstick. Let me stay alive. Let me eat something today. Really? Yeah. You know what time it is, dog? We're all broke here.

And at the end, they even invested in me. They were like, so can we give you like a thousand bucks and you pay us a percentage? Sure. Fuck you. I never saw a dime from me, Doug. It was hilarious. And the one brother got a hold of me at the comedy store and came to the club. He's like, man, what happened to the thousand?

It's an investment. I'll see you guys in 40 years. It's a 20 years. Seattle was crazy at the end. And then how me and Carol, like, went on a sabbatical was because she picked me up at that job at 5 o'clock. She's like, you owe me $200. I had a check with like $600.

They're paying me $15 plus bonuses off the books. Cash. I wasn't paying taxes in those days. That all went in my pocket. Some checks were $800. You know that check for $800 for me in those days? Yeah, I do. So one Friday, I go over there.

and I fucking Carol picks me and I go let's go cast a check and now she's breaking my ball she's like the bank is closed but I'm taking the check for the weekend so I make sure you don't spend a little car or you can't do it like this

you know I need this cash there's a check cash in place I'll buy this place because I'm not taking it so I went to get the check she ripped it I fucking grabbed her by the hair she punched me in the face she ripped the check

oh my God now is it I'm broke for them now I gotta wait to process another fucking check for two weeks unless I could figure out how to crazy glue this fucking thing and now you know she dials 9-1-1

I'm running through the streets of Seattle and I jump in a dumpster behind that restaurant that big fabulous restaurant that somebody was just here on Brody was here and he says he remembers sitting with you late there at night Hurricane Cafe

the Hurricane Cafe I jumped in that dumpster and up the block from there I know exactly what you're talking about The block from there was a beautiful movie theater. It's where I saw Pope Fiction the second time and I didn't pass out. The first time I passed out.

When I moved to Seattle, Pope Fiction was the big film. It was blasting in the movies. Would you pass out for it? The needle scene? The first scene, the needle scene. And a kid next to me put a raisinette in my mouth. And I was back like Zorro.

The Razorneck kills a lot of things. You know what I'm saying? Fucking hysterical when I think of those Seattle days. I want people to know, man, that this was not no podcast. This was 20 years of putting things together. And then we did shows at the comedy store. We put together the new talent night at the improv. Yeah.

And Damon Wayans were coming from 11 to 1 and we get bumped. We do eight minutes. And listen, guys, this was work. All those rooms of Rudy Moreno and East L.A. Oh, my God. All the rooms. All those Mexican rooms, they sharpened me up. So I'm in the dumpster.

I have to wait for dark. I see cops everywhere. They got the helicopters. They're looking for you. They're looking for me. At about 8 o'clock, I dust myself off. I smell like onions. No big deal.

I take my little check that's ripped up. I figured out I could fucking Scotts tape. Let me get to the check cash in place and we'll be fine. The cops are gone. I jump out of there. I call Rico. Oh, fucking Rick. I go Rico, come get me.

Rico's a 600-pound black dude. Who used to, the first guy I ever saw who man. who manicured his face his face he would turn it like sometimes he would shave it into a spider web it's a spider web yeah yeah and I go Rico pick me up the cops are looking for me

this fucking guy stops the car 50 yards before hurricane gets out and starts waving his hands like an amateur I thought he was a half a criminal he was no fucking criminal he's a moron I love him I still love him

like a brother do you talk to him I talked him about a year ago he's still around he's still doing county in Seattle yeah yeah yeah I talked to Ron I got a call call him. He was just here two weeks ago and we were going to hook up, but he was on the west side. That's a fucking long day for me.

So I take the check. I rock him up the hill and right there by the movie theater, there was fucking ten cops waiting for me. They knew I was in the dumpster. They took me to prison. They took me to county jail the whole weekend until Monday. That wasn't the time. You were gone. You were gone.

Malia was around maybe. Maybe. Maybe. and I think I was staying with what's his name up in the third floor in the warehouse Lyle Lyle and then I figured out I have stayed in the office and I was I joined the gym to take showers and lift that and I was swimming in there so I was really in shape because I was living in that apartment and going to that gym every day when you were gone it was weird and I sabotaged some dude as a gambler and then I got him to give me cell phones he worked for an A's

T&T company or something. How long after I moved down did you move down? You left September. I was down there January 29th. The following year. Right. So by December, I had this guy swindled out of his cell phone. He met me at the underground and he wanted people to sit at the mall and talk to people about cell phone service. But he also gave you a cell phone. They gave you a thousand minutes a month for personal calls. What personal calls? The first month, I met my first month. I met my phone. quote at the mall. I was also

selling newspaper on the... Newspapers? Subscriptions? Yeah, and I was making $60 a day in two hours. That was the best job ever. Right there by the bus station or train station, they had ads for it, make money.

I went up there one day just to check it out just to see if the kids were weak. Nobody stayed. It was a moneymaker. You can make up to $100 a day. I did it for three weeks in December. I think I made $60 a day. It was tremendous. I was put on the hustle.

Me and her were living in Renton. In a trailer park, she had bought a trailer, and we lived in Renton, and the place was a trailer park, and I would swim there, and then I would never come to Seattle. And then Stanhope came up for New Year's, and Carol went home.

So I unhooked the trailer and took the fucking trailer to Seattle in the snow, and we went down to hell and listened. We're lucky to be alive. But they was bouncing. I'll never forget We got there I had Stanhope in the back with the dog

I drove the fucking trailer To the comedy Underground Left the black dog in there And me and Doug Stanhope Went downstairs And we did the first Thursday night Baby was that black dog's name

Baby I'm telling you Whenever I forget Stanhope was still crushing crowds Even back then He's been crushing crashing crowds for 20 fucking years.

This is December of 96. That's crazy. Stan Hope's got New Year's Eve plus the three nights before that at the underground and guess who's opening for him? I wiggled my way onto that show. Wiggled my way onto that show.

That means after Stanhope, I got to go. Yeah. But there ain't no coming back. I got to go and I got to rip these motherfuckers apart. usually I noticed that the guys that talk about local shit so I started talking about the judges I got arrested for shoplifting I had a bunch of shit

OJ was hot and popping and it was five great sold our shows man and I got to watch that kid destroy the room and at the end of the weekend he goes listen man I got a couch for you you don't belong here no more and I was like fuck I'm going and I told Karen

I go listen man I got a little money put away I'm going down there. She goes, I'll go with you. I'm not going to stay here by myself. We'll take the trailer. Perfect. She had about 10 large and 20s. I had my eye on it anyway.

One way or another, I was taking that 10 large with her without her. You know what I'm saying? She didn't know I was going to rob. She was going to go to the dance one night and I was going to borrow two grand and leave her note. I love you. Thank you for the investment.

That was my plan, to be honest. And she decided to go. And we drove down there. We stopped in San Francisco. No. a week before we decide to go I get to wherever I'm staying and there's a police car waiting for me

do cops get out they got a warrant for my arrest they arrest me I go in front of the judge the next day he lets me out with a contingency of a rehearing and resentencing thing this was serious for the time the kid got into the fight all that came back to bite me in the hands

plus the restraining order with Carol, all this shit added up, and they finally got fed up with it. And the attorney knew Carol was fucking crazy, so they didn't know what to do. So I called that dude from CBS, and I got, I need a big favor. I go, listen, I didn't get the road.

You didn't offer it to me. But for me to leave, I got this problem. And he wrote me a letter and faxed it to me at the underground. He did? So I gave it to the attorney. And the deal was that when I put me in county for 30 days and then put me on a work release program. And I gave it to this attorney and the letter. And the next thing you know, I was in court the next day.

And the judge goes, here's the deal. I see you have an opportunity in Los Angeles. Right now I can put you in jail. The probation officer was doing well with the probation officer. That guy liked me. I still know his number in my head. I called it about a year ago. He's the different probation officer.

He's not even there. goes he hasn't been in 10 years so I fucking was looking so the probation officer everybody recommended I leave Seattle they I was gonna leave Carol they thought I was leaving Carol and I was gonna go and I was allowed back in the state for two years that was the deal is that the warrant that's still up there no the warrant came because part of them me leaving was anger management class got so the paperwork they sent me which took them six months to send me legitimately. By the time they sent it to me, they wanted me to join this class and the class had ended in Hollywood. So the only class was Saturday mornings at 9 o'clock

downtown. I couldn't commit to that, guys. I didn't have a car. I'm not taking no fucking bus to be somewhere in 9 and 1st. And you had to pay 400 to get into the program and every Saturday you had to kick another 30 into the kick. That's my cocaine money, Doug. that's my cocaine money that's my cocaine money you're fucking with my cocaine Saturday paper that's that's

that's fucking tremendous it's too big of a hole to come back yeah it is so I stopped going and one day I got a letter somewhere you got issued a warrant no

extradition da da da yeah I remember you were just like I'm just never going back to Seattle no no count there's no JJ so what's his name that's his name

and going back to Cali. Oh, yeah. I like, cool, Jay. It's amazing. I don't go back. No, you haven't been back since, right? 20 fucking years, and it breaks my heart. Let me give some shoutouts real quick.

First of all, Scott Rip, Scott Pratt, rest in peace, my brother. Your friends love you. I want to thank the Australian warrior Ali Baas and his family for coming across the pond and spending time with us and leaving us some beautiful films

and gifts that were unnecessary. We love you at all our heart, Ollie. We've been with you for years. I also want to shout out my man Bob Lillingsis hanging in there in Chicago. You know, I love you. I'll see you soon. I want to shout out Kristen and Bobby and Sharon. My dogs over there in Austin waiting for me.

One by one podcast. I want a Jay Frey, Andres Martinez, Christina Sprague, Rob Nielsen, and my man Philip Olivas. What are you fucking nuts or what? Let me tell you something, people. Never fear Uncle Joey's here. I know your people go, Joey, you fuck this, the Bogota sold out.

Tomorrow morning, we made a call. They're going to release another buck 70 for you. So get to it. Don't fuck around, Philly. We ain't fucking around no more. Jersey stop fucking around. I told you,

after kids I grew up and they're going to go down there and jump up and down, get your fucking tickets. So don't fuck around this week. That's all I got to tell you. Where are you at next week, is there. Dallas Improv. Oh shit. Addison Improv. July 28th and 30th.

One of the best clubs in the fucking country. They're across the street from a pop belly sandwich. And they're up the corner from one of the great fucking Cajun places, the Chuck and Jive. Up the corner from there. He was there 10 years ago. You know who said to say hello to you, by the way? Who? Nikki Servos. A Greek kid. He used to call him the Greek. He had that restaurant. Where did you see him? He lives in Charlotte now. I saw him at the Comedy Zone. I forgot to tell you. You remember he used to have that Greek restaurant in Houston?

Yeah, he was going to buy the Houston last stop for years. He kept threatening. His father had dynamic restaurants. Yeah, that's right. Old Greeks. Yeah, the one strip club and like three Greek restaurants. Three Greek restaurants. Yeah, yeah.

So him and his wife moved his wife. His wife were very sick for a long time. But they're all better. Yeah, they're all better than doing well. Yeah, good till you see him. Good to see you, dog. Great seeing you, dude. 23 years of comedy knowledge, you know.

I know a lot of young comics you listen to this shit. This just doesn't happen. This is, I told you a bunch of shitty stories. I never talk about just to let you know that you're struggling. Who gives a fuck? This is part of it. This is what you wanted to do. If this is what you want to do, this is what you want to do.

You got to get down and dirty. And just get creative. And by the way, there's no quick fix to be in a good comic. You've just got to get on stage. And you know what? You're going to make mistakes. I'm telling you about how I just dropped the fucking resume off at the Fox Theater and told him I was

John LaMonicle and I got on stage and froze up like a fucking... You remember that comedy show for Univision where I told them I was half Cuban, half Jewish, so I could get the 250 bucks, and they said, you gotta make sure your material is about that, so I had to write you helped me write like eight minutes

about being half Cuban and have Jewish. But you do what you gotta fucking do. You do what you gotta do. $250 in those days? I would stab a bitch in those days for 250. a frozen chicken did that buy me for you used to love those beans i used to go over there you know i had two people in my life that i think about how much of the food they ate because i always got there

a particular time i knew their timing down to a sample oh you were always there always there when the food was getting through i have a knack for that shit you showed up turkey burger black beans broccoli and it would be one for you and you'd give me half of you lunch and I'd sit there and it'd be the best taste in turkey burger in the world with no bun no bun no bun I la fucking fresca you understand that's when you're real broke Lee no bun with some fucking barbecue beans and that was it so you get to the comedy store and you can fucking swindle somebody out of and then you go to pink dot pink dot and get a fucking sandwich a turkey Swiss on french roll like a motherfucker you used to go tuna tuna melt at

Oh, Pink that was the shit. Oh, God. Pink Dot had a meatball heroly that would make your head blow up. We used to order that tuna melt and that chocolate cake. Tremendously. Tremendously. Down the corner from me. So where you had after Addison?

After Addison, I'm in Tacoma. And it's all at Comedionjoshwold.com. And then when do you do the podcast? Every Tuesday I do the podcast with Freddie Prince Jr. called Prince and the Wolf. And then what's the other one you have? It's one I just, to me. where I interview people one-on-one, it's called Fairly Normal. Okay, good, good.

I got to still do fairly new. Yeah, man, come over and sit. Lisa, how are you feeling, dog? An update for Josh. I'm feeling the stars now. Are you? Are you really? Tip top, McGoo, you're looking good, you're feeling good.

You're smelling good. You know what I'm saying? Don't be lying to fear. I'm feeling a little weird right now. I got more stars. I'll make you feel weird. How many stars did you today? 10.

I didn't. I ate about 12. No, you did. Yes, I did. People, he always adds two stars to what I am. That's what he eats. I put... Every time, listen to it.

Josh Wolfe is my witness. But I put two handfuls of time. You did. I'm not... You're very impressive. Oh, my God. It was crazy. I swallowed those two things. But you didn't chew them.

I can't taste them no more. Like, I'm done tasting. Like, it's the taste that it's been too long. It's been too long. Our resistance to this is so high. When we get another THC and throw it in the mix, we get, we cook it. Like, tonight, it's Sunday that I don't want to leave off on the bad foot. Thank you.

I got shit. crack, I lack of them all. But what's crazy is that you ate 2,000 milligrams to take it light. Yeah, that's it. Just to relax a little bit. He's going to call me tomorrow

and be like, you got lucky dog, going to fuck you up on Wednesday. Wait till Wednesday. It's a slow moment of train. You know what I'm saying? I told you last time I was here. Right now this room is crooked. I tell you that. And I'm on the bottom end. I swear

that's what I feel right now. That's how I am. right now. Do I complain? What that's why I asked you? I said, how are you? I bothered anybody. Have I complained? No.

I took the commitment. I took the ride. Oh, you went all in. We don't fuck around here. I'm telling you 25, 25, 26 years of comedy. That time in Beaumont was very bad. The second night, but I didn't black out. But you fell, that was the, remember you, we think the, you got those Xanax.

30 of them. Yeah. 10 milligrams in those days. And so. I was about to go on stage and he popped a couple Xanax and drank like whatever that was, I was popping him in the daytime.

And so by the time, like, you were about 20 minutes in, you were on your knees, you remember that? With the microphone propped on your stomach, leaning back and kind of talking into it because you were about to go to sleep on fucking stage. We have no idea.

And Lee, I was 370. Oh, yeah. So those values were going right into my fucking fat just sitting in those days you know how much I sweat zero if I had a walk three stairs at the airport I would take the elevator everywhere in those days I wouldn't fucking if I saw a black guy in the cart I was there with him for a small tank you were a Josh Wolf come come help me get on the stool and I was like I can't pick you up I'm screaming

for me for the back of the club I can't pick you up come come help me get on the stool That was amazing. Slade Ham. Slate Ham. I just saw him when I did the festival. Always a pleasure. Those guys are still in the game. Listen, man,

it's not that whether you live in L.A., Chicago, whatever you live, you can still do something for yourself in comedy. Don't never listen to this and get ahead of yourself and go, well, we could just move to L.A. and do what those guys are doing? No. Develop a base in your hometown. Here, you got to develop a fucking website

and a head shot and a demo reel. Take it easy. And if you're not doing at least five sets a week when you're starting, then you're not doing it right. Because, you know, you judge, like, so you do at least five sets a week, right? So if Joey, who's 24 years, 25 years in, is making sure he does five sets a week, if you're just starting and only doing five sets a week, you're already behind the eight ball. Because people ahead of you are already working harder.

Last week, I did Tuesday, Wednesday, two shows on Thursday and one on Saturday. Yeah, it feels good, right? They were all hard shows. This week, I got Tuesday, maybe Wednesday, definitely Thursday at the improv, and then I got the board God, the Saturday night, which is an hour. You know, that's good enough. Yeah. An hour is an extra, you know.

One show? One show. Nine o'clock, get out of there, watch John Jones and fucking Danny call me. Who are you got for that? I have nobody. I'm still open. I want to see where the money is on Friday. I'll be down there so I can put a bed in right or no

they don't take sports betting on lunch They take there's a sports better in Atlantic City I don't fucking think so I don't think so I don't think so but it doesn't really matter I can still call a bedding with some friends You know what I'm saying? Don't forget about that Anyway I wasn't going to talk to you people about Listen August is here

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slash what? Church. Bam, C-H-U-R-C-H and get the 10% off. I want to thank Josh Wolf for coming on. Most importantly, I want to thank you motherfucking savages for selling out the Borgata

and for listening to the podcast. I love your motherfuckers with all my heart. See you Wednesday night. That last far off.