The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #502 - Esther Ku

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

Esther Ku, Comedian and Host of the "Ku and The Gang" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for three free snacks with your first order.   Recorded live on 07/26/2017.
  

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Again, naturebox.com slash Joey. Listen, it's a 26th of the month, and this ain't dick. It's going to get more and more and more humid. And from work, you're going to have to go out and meet friends. And what happens, one night you go out, you have a drink. Bada beep, ba'abop. And next to know, you're getting fingered, and it smells like a billy-goats fucking asshole.

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July 26, gosh, because the day the devil was buried at sea and they took them to fucking I don't know, Russia. Churchill, what's happened now, bitches, here we go. Wednesday night, Thursday morning, it's going to be a good weekend.

The church of what's happening now? Always delivering the fuck Goods, cocksucker. My fucking Korean fucking beautiful sweetheart of death, Esther Koo, and my main fucking death fucking star eater,

the king from Israel, Lisa, yeah, what's happening? Thank you for having. Thank you for fucking being here. What's up, Esther Kooke. What's going on, Joey Cocoa Dia? I can't call it in town, doing your shit, hustling.

Yeah, man. And you know what, Esther, I got to give it to you? There's a certain reason why I put you on the show. And that certain reason is every time I see you smiling, Every time I see, you're not complaining. You never call me complaining about your fucking career and what's going on. You take it easy going, and I got to tell you something, you've got the right attitude.

So that's why I put you out of here because you just... I appreciate it. I did your show with you at the Ice House, and your crowds are fucking fire. They're fire. They're fire. Every single person in your audience, they fucking love you 1,000%. They come out. They're amazing.

They laugh and they're... I've never seen anything like it. Your following is fucking, they drink the Kool-Aid. You know, man, you get what you give. You know, you get what you give. It's similar to your personality. You get what you give in life. And it took me a long time to realize that.

And with the podcast, I always told Lee and all the shit that's going on now, you know, right now we would discuss in ticket prices. And I told you that I told these people from the show that they were going to release another 170 tickets. But what did they do? They're releasing the ticket merchants. And now they're selling them for $70. If anybody knows anything about me, if you look at the Borgata card, I had the cheapest tickets on the board.

Why? Because I know you're a blue collar. And I know you need every fucking buck. It's bad enough they charge seven on top of that just to get the tickets. So it comes out to $32. It's an embarrassment to me. But folks, welcome to the fucking corporate world. There's nothing I can do.

Who gets that fucking $7? Yeah, nobody knows. So every ticket somebody gets seven fucking dollars So I want the people at home to understand that That the comedian the musician You know a lot of these places man That's how they stay alive And they look at every fucking ticket is seven dollars

They don't give a fuck what you do And then if the people drink and the people eat That's a profit also Listen I'm not putting down a club But I think that we should all Make something in the even range For doing our work you know I don't like that

There's other clubs that have that surcharge. They complain about Seguer's tickets. They complain about Burt's tickets. But it's not us. It's the venue. And we don't know when we cut the deal. We find out afterward. And that's why a couple times you guys will see that I'll cancel a room

because they did something fishy. And I'm old school. If something sucks in the beginning, it's going to suck all the way through. And if it sucks all the way through and you let it do that, you brought that upon yourself. So now I'm in business, but I'm not in business for me.

I'm in business for myself, my daughter, my wife, and Lee. You know, we're in business for us here. So when I look at things, I go listen. How did you get adopted, Lee? I got very lucky. If you fucking want, I'll go back to my old ways and start stealing. And I'll really rob you motherfuckers because I know exactly how to fucking do it. But I don't.

Take the iron from the green room. Yeah, I give you the respect that you deserve. And I try to go there and give you, you know, I tweet. I do all that shit on my own. You only have one radio station to promote me. I do the rest. Listen, this is what you're allowed to make. This is what I'm making and this is what you're going to make.

I don't even know what you're doing in the kitchen. But I know that of those hundred people. In the ice house, 62 of them were stoned. And stone people equivalents to mozzarella sticks and nachos. So Uncle Joey is basically a nacho fucking salesman. Okay, that's what I am. I'm like the Mexican that got his fucking food cart tipped over. You're a fancy nach guy.

I'm just a fucking nacho, mozzarella stick salesman. Oh, I love nachos. I love nachos. If they're good. Not these clubs, they put that cheese sauce on it. That's like,

old dead cum, just dribble- I prefer the cheese sauce. I'd rather have that than like shredded cheese melted. Oh, I like the shredded cheese melted. Because that's just what you, you know, grow up on and you're used to that. I do crave, like, that disgusting,

like movie theater, nacho every once in a while, but I prefer a good nodges. Let me ask you guys something. What is, to wrap with theater popcorn. Why are people so against? I read like three things.

Oh, it used to be gross. Like when I worked there was terrible. Why, if I bring popcorn from the house, and I get theta popcorn, is it double the calories? They will,

they probably, well, A, it's popped with, uh, they have this flavoring salt. It's like yellow. It's not just salt. It's like, it's probably butter flavoring in it, too.

And then, and then they cook it with like straight oil, hot oil. So it's probably all of that. And the microwave, maybe it's air pumped. I don't know. But yeah, and then it's just gross.

Like when I worked at a movie theater, when I first started working there, they would have it popped, and then they'd put it in these yellow trash bags, and it would just get stored for days, and then they have warmers in the back. You know, when you see it all piled up nice? It's supposed to look nice, but it also warms up the popcorn. So, like, we couldn't, like, if we opened up right away, the popcorn had to be in there from the beginning. For the weekend, otherwise it's really freezing cold. Yeah.

Well, not even the weekend. It was just, it was too. You guys had a reserve of. popcorn in the garbage bag? Well, yeah, and not even a reserve, because they had a huge popper upstairs. They don't do it anymore. You know that popper that's always behind the concession stand? It's kind of a pain in the ass that it doesn't pop that much.

So, like, that's why they wouldn't do it. But yeah, and then, when I, like, before I work there, people told me that butter thing used to be like rock solid, just a disgusting. It would harden. Now it's just bags of chemicals. It comes the same way that the soda comes. B.Y.O. Butter.

Yeah. So it's not like real butter. I don't, I mean, maybe some theaters have real butter, but most of the chains don't, I don't think. That's fucking disgusting. I used to work at a movie theater. I loved it. Which one? In Chicago.

Was it a chain? Was it a chain? Yeah. Cinemarc. We would have games, like, who could find the most used candy in the theater when we're cleaning the theaters as ushers? And we'd be like, I found. No, never. You never found, how long did you work there?

Like a year. Oh, you never found, oh, that was the best. Best. You find money? Oh, absolutely. You find condoms, beers. People, like, people used to party in the movie. I mean, maybe they still do.

But when I, like, I would find everything. Like, this one woman took a shit, and it just felt, like, in, like, the middle of the lobby one time. That was real interesting. People threw up when the Blair Witch Project was playing. Oh, I didn't have to deal with that. Yeah. I would have to clean up their puke. Is it true?

Like, why is it that, like, the women's bathrooms are always worse than the guys? That's what I've heard. Because we have more openings. So I thought you guys would be clean. Well, our openings are bigger than yours. Not true. Hopefully. Now, are there any independent, like, besides, like, because Lenley is independent, but not really.

There's a chain, yeah. Are there any independent, like, in Miami? Are there any theater houses left that, it's like a fucking, you know, $10 ticket? Yeah. Yeah, they do. Like the last time I went to a movie theater that was cool was in Toronto. And this had to be 17 years ago. They had waiters already.

And they had like a little table. And they didn't really complain if you took two inches off a joint and turned it off. Really? Yeah, they didn't really complain. And I think it was corporate. It was corporate because all the chairs were the same. But the last time I went to like a theater movie house was in 1985. I went to see the movie with Shannon that had the mask.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The kid that had the big head and shit. and it was a great movie I think she even got an Academy Award nomination she was fucking good I could fucking throw down dog don't fuck with her she could throw down she hasn't been around for 80,000 fucking years

because she's bad you know so I went to this place in San Francisco and it always fucking stuck out in my mind I forget what it was I was broke I was in love you know like when you're 20 fucking one or two and you just don't love

and on a Saturday afternoon we walked hate out of And we saw this movie theater It was hot out And we go, what the fuck? Let's go in there And just watch a movie They had couches, that's the cool And you laid it down

You could, depending on how The couches were four-man couches But if it was just me and you And there was 19 people in the joint We could lay with feet to feet And watch the movie They also had things to put your feet on They had fresh popcorn

with fresh butter. Wow. You'd see them open up the stick of butter and put in the machine and they had homemade cookies, chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies and you could smell them. A light would turn red.

It was just tremendous. The tenderloin, not the tenderloin, hate Ashbury. I saw the mask there in Toronto. I forget what the fuck I saw. But I'm really trying to scrape my head

to think of, are there any movie houses left around here like that? I mean, there's a... North Hollywood. There's new Beverly, which is good. Yeah, that's right. But, LA has a lot.

They have the silent movie theater, which I've been to once. And I saw that. Have you guys ever seen a Rocky Horror Picture show? Yeah. Terrible. I saw that there. Did you see it with people throwing shit? Oh, yeah.

Dressed up. Who'd you go with? Paula, like two years ago. It was terrible. Like, I've never seen people so excited. Like, this one guy in front of us had seen it, I think, 60 times. Because they went around like, how many people have seen it 20 times? Like, I could even believe.

But anyways, there's a lot of that in L.A. It's very cool. And I actually like Cynemark. Did you work there when they had, like, reclining seats? No. And they've reclining seats now. At the Cinemark up here? Where's the Cine Mark up here?

The North Hollywood one. Oh, that's a good one. Somebody fucking got hit by a car up there. That's a Starbucks. Somebody got hit by a car because it was on TV. And my wife goes, I know exactly what that is. That's around the corner from the movie today. That's a hidden Starbucks.

Well, the car found. You know what I'm saying? It was a hidden star bucking downstairs. Has anyone ever, like, have there been any more accidents by your coffee shop?

Like, we used to sit by that coffee shop and just watch this one intersection and there'd be an accident every 90 minutes. You didn't call 3-1-1 on them? It's hysterical that they fucking screech tires there. But I'm happy there because there's a wall for you to fucking hit me at that coffee shop.

You got to be coming with a fucking Russian tank because you got to go through a wall and two cars. Like, that's why I'm comfortable there. You sit inside? I sit outside. I don't sit inside. Fucking people go crazy in coffee shops.

I need to run. When I sit down, listen, for the last two years, when I sit down, I already got two outs. I sit close to my daughter so I could fucking grab her by the waist and start running like a motherfucker.

My wife, she's on her own. I be mad for himself, you know what I'm saying? My wife is on her own. My wife needs to get shot in the foot one time, so she learns to pay attention. You know what I'm saying? My wife is one of those.

She's very sweet, and she doesn't know the ways of the world, and she takes her eye off the prize too much, and it drives me fucking crazy. I got to say something to every once in a while, you know, and she takes her eyes off the prize for too long, and that's what people always say. I took my eyes off her for two seconds.

Listen, don't take your fucking eyes off. I'm an old-school motherfucker. Yeah. I'll tell you a story, but I ain't going to look at you. You want to come over? and tell me, talk to me when I'm with my daughter, you can talk all the fuck you want to you turn green. I don't give a fuck if you fucking got a dildo up your asshole,

you're jumping up and down. I'm not going to look at you. I might look over it every 10 seconds just to make sure you're all right. But I always got my eye on the prize. You know, there's people in life that never really watch their surroundings. There's a story of this woman who left her daughter

on top of her car because she was high and drove away with the fucking car seat on top of the car. You have no fucking idea. You have no fucking idea. And it just happened recently. It's terrible. The child ended up passing away. But, like, you hear all that, like, they're playing in the driveway sometimes,

and they're just, they're too small, and you're just not paying attention as you come into the driveway. And you kill your own kid? Oh, my God. Listen, let me tell you something, man. I used to be the king. And I'll tell people running the podcast right now, I used to be the king of getting fucking blazed like I do now. And getting right in the fucking car 10 minutes later. Okay.

And you know what? It's cute, man. Sometimes you see shit, sometimes you giggle. But sometimes you have some close calls. Yeah. And I used to have this, why I have all the cats I have is because there was a cat fucking foundation behind my house. At one time there was dirty-something kittens behind my house.

That's how many cats that samurai was fucking. Wow. At one time he had Dimmy's mother pregnant. Remember, Jimmy, Allie, and the girls coming from a complete different. different fucking woman. He was fucking, listen, he was fucking, he was fucking, he was fucking his kid, he would fuck

mama, and then she would have a litter, and by the time they were seven months old, he was knocking him up already. His own daughters. And if he would knock up three of his daughters, one would die, and the other two would have fucking nine kittens. And then he would knock those up. Then there was a time

in the backyard where he had four different colony of cats that he was knocking up. Every cat was Siamese. Beautiful. He has beautiful stock. That cat was born to stock. His balls, when he used to walk, was so fucking big and black.

Even though he was gold with a beautiful blue face. And his eyes were blue like those sparklet label. You see that fucking label? You've never seen a cat's eyes like that. Let me tell you something. In the nine years other than that building, he didn't take food from me one time, as hungry as he was. He was stoic. He was tough.

He was picky. He was. tough, but he fucked all those fucking cats back there. And the point is one day I went out there fucking, when all this... He was even fucking all the dogs. When all this edible marijuana and all this reefish shit started, one day, bro, I went home in the afternoon, got super fucking high. Super fucking high.

And I walked downstairs to run an errand and I got in my little neon. I had a neon then. That was a piece of shit. And I put that, and I looked around. I looked around I looked around I looked around fucking nothing

I get in the car I start the car I drive it and I get a weird feeling and come out and I ran over one of the fucking kittens and I had to take it

and bury it and you know it was horrible and that's one of the reasons why I don't do it but you know what man even my wife said

I don't think he ran over I think he was dead already from what because all those cats that's how they they would just die back there from anemia

from all the something ticks and shit would attack them and then you get anemic, your legs swell. So my wife said, I don't think you killed them because his legs were already swollen. Trust me, I used to make a lot of noise by those cars. I knew that kittens were all in those garages. No.

Yeah, they were kittens in all those garages. There were 11 garages. There was a garage on the corner in the, like a real gas station garage. And they'd shut down, so the garage part stayed in there and they had thousands of cats when they knocked it down all those cats moved into my yard

this was 2000 I dealt with this from 2000 to 2006 and then Mama got shipped off to Vegas she gave her last she must have had 19,000 kittens they really shipped her off yeah they shipped to Vegas because there was like a parson back there

like there was a fucking possum that was coming back that it was like mixed with a pig so Mama went to give fucking birth. She crossed the street, went in the neighbor's yard, and the neighbor had like a towel hanging. Mama took it down, put in the corner and had her fucking kittens.

So that neighbor went to Vegas and took Mama and the kittens to Vegas. That was the end of that. Samurai, they had to remove her from Samurai. Samurai, the last time I saw Samurai, his face was hanging off him. And my wife tried to give him an antibiotic and he hissed out of her. And my wife

tried to sneak antibiotics in his food, and he wouldn't eat the fucking food. I never saw a samurai again. How you think samurai is doing? I think samurai's dead. I haven't seen him from 2006, and I left the building in 2009. He would have found you.

I think samurai died of an infection. Knowing samurai, he probably, like, he was so fucking stoic, and so to the tea. I guarantee he committed Harrikiwi. He got a piece of glass stuck under the stomach and killed himself because he knew he was dying from like a bad infection. Harry Carey?

That's how fucking stoic that cat was. If he was alive, he would have found you. He would have followed the skunk smell. That cat didn't like people, even cats in his yard. I was in the bathroom one afternoon. It was a sunny afternoon. I had the window open. And I was in there doing something, popping a pimple, brushing my teeth.

And I heard a noise. And I went to the window. And on the tree was Fidel's Fennie, a Superbad's father, bigger than a fucking house on a tree going, and I'm going, who the fuck is he hissing that up in the fucking tree? And I look down and there's the samurai, you know, two stories away, a garage away, plus a fucking 20-foot tree away. And he's mad dogging, this fucking cat in the tree. And this cat's going, ah, and all since. The samurai goes, okay, motherfucker, he ran to the edge of the fucking garage, jumped on the dumpster, jumped on the garage, ran to the fucking tree, and the cats up, they're going, by this time he's going like those fucking cats' noises.

And samurai climbed on that tree like a fucking lion and climbed up that fucking tree, and they started fighting the fucking tree. Then they both went off the tree, and that was it. I'm like, whoa, it all went down in like four fucking minutes. That's how fast in the first noise I heard. Were they fucking? They were fighting. They were fighting to the debt. That night, 9 o'clock, 10 o'clock, I forgot all about it.

I'm outside waiting for the Coke dealer to make a delivery. I'm outside mine in my own business. I look over to the left, and there's Superbad's father walking like with a limp and shit and half his fucking neck hanging off him. And he looks over. I mean, like, that was a tough fucking afternoon. I was sucking down 9-1 or something. And I saw him after that a few times.

It sounds like a reality show. He was tougher than death. One night I looked at the back yard, and I just saw a cat that didn't belong there. Just a cat that didn't fucking... A stray cat. Like a stray cat that said, wow. It smells like cat back here. This would be a great kingdom back here.

And all of a sudden, I hear this fucking samurai runs up on him. And this cat starts running his shit. I go, okay, that's what happens. Listen. I swear to my mother, I get in my car. Ten minutes later, I'm going to the comedy store. I get in my car and make a right. I'm on Selma and I'm pointing a car towards La Brea and I'm headed west.

And do you know what I see by Highland? Fucking samurai chasing that cat across Highland at 9.45 at night. Across Highland by Hollywood High School right there. crossing that street. That's the type of cat he was. He chased that motherfucker ten blocks down. How many blocks do you think he owned, Samurai? That whole neighbor, the post office,

because he would come out of the post office. Three zip codes. He lived in the post office. That was his turf. The post office and that fucking, let me tell you something. He had one of those big PO boxes. I sat out there with those cats, and I got infatuated with them.

You were getting factuated with something. Like, I was like, I never had cats. Me either. And they were, I watched them. I watched them. Every night I would go home, get like a soda, pee, you know, roll a joint. I go in the backyard, and I just sit there and watch them. And at that time, there had to be three different families of kittens.

And some of them would play with each other, some of them would just fight. And whenever Samurai came around, they all ran into a corner because they were brutally scared of them. There was one morning I woke up, and there was dead kittens all over. He had killed all of them because the faster he killed. the kittens and the mothers stop feeding them through their breast the faster he could get back to fucking

I didn't know that oh that's what he would do he's like I'm in the mood to fuck he doesn't care that they're his kids he didn't give a Frenchman's fuck Jesus it was the weirdest thing so I that's crazy how weird the body is like like if

like if a man like a human killed their kid to fuck the wife the wife wouldn't be like okay but it's just biological If there's no kittens around, the female is going to be ready to, that's weird. That's crazy. It was a crazy thing, and it was weird, the clicks that they had. So I wrote something.

I wrote it. I talked to some people. He just needed a side girl. And they wanted to be like a. He had side girls. He had 20 fucking side girls. Jesus. And if they didn't want to be, they were his side girls.

They didn't even have a fucking choice. The weirdest thing, I have a cat named Lulu. And she's a beautiful fucking cat. Beautiful. Till today, she's always been loving. Yesterday I saw, and I rubbed her, and she turned and showed me the stomach. She doesn't swipe at my hand.

I've known Lulu since she was a little kitten. And I love that particular... Does Lulu play the piano? No, no, Lulu is just really cute. And she has a sister named Evie. She has a brother named Superbad, and a brother that died named DJ. They used to live outside and shit.

So it's really weird. One night I was out there by 9.30, I was headed to the store and Lulu was in my alleyway. Everybody else, her other brothers and sisters were over here in the backyard. There was like a tomato thing back there.

You know what else lived in that backyard? A fucking old tortoise. Do you leave by a zoo? Like what's going on? No, no. There was a neighbor who moved in the apartment building and had a turtle. Like an exotic turtle

he brought from fucking Argentina or some shit and he put it in the backyard. He's still there. He lived there for 20-something years. So he would feed him. the turtle lettuce. The turtle would bury itself half the year.

But whenever the turtle came out, he was this fucking big. The guy died in his apartment and some fucking zoo came and got the turtle. Jesus. What do you fucking think you're dealing with joy bananas?

What do you think? I'm sitting over here fucking TMZing it. I'm dropping facts on you, bitches. And it took a year for that turtle to get into your yard. It took, I don't know.

I never really messed with him. I looked at his shell. They said he was very old and stuff like that. I never really picked him up. I'm not. Good with turtles. They make good soup.

Ninja Zana Halfshell. Ninja. Who's your favorite Ninja Turtle? I have no fucking idea. Donatello. What the fuck you think you're dealing with? Lysayat was going on in your world, Cucksucker. I'm doing good.

I got it. I never knew you went to that fucking Rocky Harropics. That's a new one you dropped on me. That was terrible. She must have talked to you. No, I was that one. That was me. That was you.

I've never been. Did you yelp it? No, you don't. How can you yelp a movie? I don't know. You don't do. You yelps the theater. He yelps everything.

No, I just Google the theater. Do you yelp everything? He yelps restaurants. Here's a funny thing. He yelps restaurants. He goes for them. He never goes back to them again. Never ever go to them.

I go to them. Never again. Do you go to them? Have you been to Myeong and Dumpling? No. On Olympic? You should go. I don't know.

Myeonging dumpling? Listen to me. This kid's like 0 and 22 restaurants. No, I'm not. Bordain went there with Cho. Bourdine. Bordane goes. Bordane goes everywhere.

There's like Bordane photos everywhere. Whoever gives him 5Gs and a free dinner, Bordane shows up. Knock it off, Lee. Yeah. Bordane went there. I don't have Esther Cugo. Yeah, Esther Coen can't go. She's smarter than that shit.

She knows you can't trust those L.A. Koreans. She goes down to Miami and shit. What kind of dumplings? Chinese dumplings? I think Korean. They have kimchi and stuff when you bring it out. They have all those little, the kimchi and the salad. She don't even know about the Korean dumplings.

She does? Let's go there. Let's go there. Let's do it. Listen, don't go there. Don't go anywhere where he eats. Really? He's the kiss of death.

I'll let you do some research and then if you'd like to still go. How much research can you possibly do about the restaurant? Do you do Korean barbecue? Yes. I'm not a good cook, so it always scares me. I don't want to have to be in charge of the cooking of meat. Oh, then just go to one of the ones where they make it in the bag. What?

They make it for you? Yeah. They make the barbecue. Like, don't cook it yourself. Yeah, that's what I want to cook of myself. I hate that. Yeah. That's the whole reason why I'm going out

I didn't know they even had that Yeah, yeah So that's the one where you go in Not every table has a barbecue thing Oh So that's the one where you go on And you pick your own supplies And then you come up with a fucking thing

And you move them along Or some shit You have a grill at the table But then you walk out of there Smelling like smoke Like fucking death, yeah That's completely different Than the one I went to

Yeah What's going on in your career? That's the cool You know you My show just came out, my sketch show. Okay. It's called Sorry Not Sorry.

Okay. It just came out on Go 90. Go 90. Yeah. And when does it start airing? Just started airing Tuesday. Did you? Mm-hmm.

And what kind of sketch? The last time I was here, I was working on it. Okay. And I went to the next day to work. I was super blazed out of my mind because you gave me that star of death. You ready for the star tonight? Yeah, let's do it. Fuck, yeah.

We're gonna get a fresh one. That was a stale before. Well, I think I had a corner of a star of a star. star last time. You're ready for a half a star this time. How many milligrams is this? 120. This is the weak ones. 120 is a lot. Some edibles, they only have like fucking 10 milligrams.

That's all you need right there. That's 40 milligrams. This is 40? All right. That's all you need. One time you came in and he ate those fucking edibles. I didn't know who the fuck you are. You were cross-eyed. And I was fucked up. So we were looking at each other all fucked up. And you farted. Did I? Did I? Did I really?

Yeah, it was hilarious. I'm sorry. No, I love it. I love parts. I like farting around women. Farting has an opportunity to get closer. Well, if you fart, I don't want to get close to you. Just know that right now, you know, I love you.

My parts smell good. Or it's no disrespect. What kind of show is this sketch-wise? It's just like little sketches, you know. How many minutes? It's like 20 minutes each. 20 minutes? No, no, no, no.

They're like a compilation of sketches. And who did sketches of sketches, were you? Tracy Stumpf, Manon Matthews, and Hannah Pilkis. Okay, so you got a little crewish, like a little fucking sign that live. Yeah, a mini one. And you did how many episodes? Eight episodes. And then it'll get picked up for a second season?

Well, hopefully, so go watch it. And what network is this? Go 90. And where is this on? It's on Go90.com. Really? Mm-hmm. See, I learned something to every fucking daily.

This is your job. You know, it's for the kids. It's for the millennials, right? Now old the millennials right now, supposed to be. They're like what? 20 to 35 or something? Those are millennials?

Probably. They're like the biggest age group that exists now. That is the craziest fucking age group in the world. That's crazy. You know, they're doing dumb shit. What kind of dumb shit? You know, dumb shit with their phones. Everybody's addicted.

They grow up on their phones, these kids. Well, I saw this stat on Facebook, so it could be totally fake. but it was something like that age group is the most educated but like the least employed generation ever which means what i think that they probably more people have gone to college than before i would guess but then it's also like i was talking with someone yesterday with paula one of her friends from law school just finished law school decided oh i don't want to be a lawyer now is going to take the bar but is now signed up to go to seven years of medical school. So I know people like that too.

I know people who have three or four master's degrees. But they're addicted to school. They're addicted to school. You should just get a job. They don't want to face the fucking work. You should just get a job as a counselor at your school. If you don't ever want to leave your college and shit, those people. Here's the other side of that coin.

They're acting like a kid. When I was growing up, you had options. That's cool. Okay. I enjoy what type of options. The first option is you go to college. The second option is you go to service. The third option was your father had a flower shop.

And maybe you want to go to art school, design flowers, but your mother is an accountant along the short and she gets you in a trainee program. A lot of people don't have those options no more. There's not a lot of apprentices left anymore in this country. there's not a lot of, you know, I don't know about politics, but I know that they're cutting back on kid programs. So I can't imagine what they're doing to people who just want to go to a trade school.

That's the cool. What if you just want to go to a print class or nursing school? A nursing school or web design. I mean, I don't know, guys. That's the thing. If I had a kid right now, the only thing I would have them do, unfortunately, would have to be some sort of tech stuff. like when I was going to high school I had the opportunity to go to a trade school if I wanted to

and do what it was it was uh it's called Minuteman tech I did some summer school stuff there they they have like all like the plumbing and age vac and they have they have all that but it's a regular high school but you get you have you have that opportunity I'm pretty sure it's still there and it's from like a big area of towns um and those jobs like those jobs will still be there to a degree but then there's some, like, if you don't go to college, you're going to have, like, it's going to be an issue because a lot of those jobs are being automated. Well, what about, like, an apprenticeship and a construction?

Look up like construction union's apprenticeships. Like, if my kid was 18, he doesn't want to go to college. Apprenticeship is just an outdated word. Are you serious? Seems like it, doesn't it? I'm 50-something, so it's not like I'm looking every day for a fucking apprenticeship no more. Trust me.

I mind fucking. myself from the age of 18 to 28 that I was going to be a fucking apprentice son. These kids, they're book smart, but they're not practical street smart. That's why they're all unemployed, but they're all educated. Well, Mike Roe, that guy who used to have

the dirty job show, he has a thing, like, that there should be more people, because a lot of these jobs are actually pretty high paying, and you just don't think, maybe you don't think about it, and it seems, but California does have an apprenticeship program. Let me tell you what I did. In 2000,

in 2000. In 1989, I didn't get my high school diploma. I had to quit. You know, I was a sucker and whatever. My mom died. I thought I should get a job, you know. So I quit like an asshole.

The summer before my senior year. Because it was cool? Yeah, I wasn't cool. I had a fucking hustle, you know. I had to make ends meet. I had to pay rent. And I didn't get Social Security. So I had a fucking hustle.

You know, I tried to steal a little bit, sell a little coke. You know, but that, you know, you can't do that every fucking week. So I went to Colorado, and there was a Colorado Mountain College. And I just, they asked me if I had a diploma, I just said, yeah, I took courses. And one of the courses I took was residential wiring. You know, I took like a history call. They didn't check because everybody in Colorado is high as a motherfucker.

Well, no, this is 1982, which you're correct, especially up there. But they didn't care. I took courses there. And you know what? I became an electrician. The guy that taught the class was the city inspector. So after one of the classes, because he took you to a house and you had a wire. That was part of the assignment.

So after the 12 weeks, he goes, hey, man, if you ever looking for a job, let me get you a job. And he got me a job at Aspen Electric at the time. I was 19. I'm like, holy shit. I got a job. 10 bucks an hour. I have tools. That's a lot of money.

Trust me, in New Jersey, I couldn't do shit. Now I'm an electrician. And I would go there. every day and I did it and I did it for like seven months and I really liked it and for a guy who was doing it seven months I was I was up to like a guy who was doing it for two years I was bending pipes I knew you know a lot of different shit the guy at the time I left aspirin electric but anytime that that guy had the call to inspect they would put me on that job because they knew the guy would pass it because it was his work I did the work how that guy took

taught me to do his work. That's why they really liked when you took that class. But the point I'm trying to make here is on my own. Before computers, guys, I went in the yellow pages, and I made a bunch of calls before computers. Trying to find this shitly was hard, Jack. You had to go to a pay phone with a roll of quarters, and you had to make some calls.

Yeah, it's so easy now. It's all easy. And I had to make, like, fucking 20 calls, and I finally got the head of Colorado State, electricians apprenticeship program. There's a lot of bad electricians out there. You know those houses where you turn off the light and it turns on? Yeah.

What's up with that? Who the fuck knows? Somebody put a bad wire. You know, it's like there's only two ways the light switch can go. And there's so many places where it's inverted. I haven't been an electrician in 30 years now. So I forgot all about that. Or the cold water is the hot water.

It seems pretty cool. Like if it's something that you'd be interested in, just like the California one, you do five years and you work 8,000 hours and then while you're doing that you also go to school 3 nights a week 800 hours of school

And you call on some lonely housewife Who hasn't fucked her husband in two years And then you fucking walk in with your shiny ass And they give you insurance Insurance And the apprenticeship program The health and it takes five years What's the requirements?

You have to be 18 You have to be physically able to perform You have to be a high school graduate it or have the GED and then you have to have two semesters of algebra with a minimum grade of C and one semester of college algebra with minimum grade of C. Which means if you could breathe into a fucking glass, you get into this program. Right. So yeah, and you could probably go.

A C in algebra. Fuck. I even got Bs. I was good at algebra. It was the next level that fucked up. Calculus. Calculus. I just couldn't do geometry.

That was the end of me. Geometry is the easiest one, Lee. No, I couldn't do it. I don't know why. I liked algebra. Remember all that 3.14? Pie? Pie.

You sit here and you're like, what the fuck that I ever do with pie? All that homework on pie and quarter pie and fucking. You never fucking use it in the real world. I would just love to know what jobs actually do use it. Like, is there a job somewhere that guy who uses pie every day? He's like, thank God we use pie. I bet there's at least one guy who uses pie every day. An aerospace engineer.

I can't believe that for years I've been asking people and trust me. There's people my age that don't remember this. One of the ways I learned to speak English when I came from Cuba, but everybody was doing it. I'm just saying this. This was one of the many weapons that I used to learn English was the SRA reading program. And what the SRI reading program was was a fucking box in front of your teacher. So your teacher had a desk, but right here she had a box. And at the beginning of the year in September, you would get a color.

Like white. You would start like a white belt. And then you had to do a bunch of assignments in there. So not only did you have to do school homework, but you have to do also the SRA reading program. That was one of the things for like reading class when they do reading from nine to nine-forty-two. That's what you did. Why are periods in school that's so exact with the 9-42? It was never nine to 9-45.

Because it's two minutes, it's 42 minutes of the class and three minutes for you to get to the next class. Yeah. So every class is perfect. And during that three minutes, you find your boyfriend or girlfriend, you make out with them by your locker. Real quick, and you got to run like a motherfucker. I sure.

We all did that. And the teacher's waiting by the door. And if the teacher closes the door, you got to go down at the principal and get a note to get back the fuck in. And if you get three of those, you got to, you don't get suspended, but you get study hall, which means that from, from, you got to sit with a bunch of people. Detention. To five o'clock and throw balloons at each other.

and fucking torture each other with fucking airplanes and shit. You get sent to the dean's office and they yell at you. Shit like that, yeah. I got sent to the principal's office and the principal couldn't believe that I was in there. He thought I was a good kid because he's racist. And I was like in honors and band and, you know, Spanish honor society and all that. And I'm sitting there and he's like, well, I'm going to have to revoke the River Grove Mayor's Award for Good Citizenship. Now, where did you go to high school, that's the school?

In Chicago. What's the name of the high school? East Leiden. East Leiden. White, black, a little bit of everything? White, Mexican. No shit. Yeah.

Okay. So, being the only Asian family at the high school, I was automatically famous. Were you the only Asian in that area? Yeah, everybody knows the Asians. It's funny because Theo Vaughn came in here last week. Uh-huh. And he said he remembers when the first Asian moved to his neighborhood. that was like a big deal.

I wish it was the same neighborhood. He had to save money up, and he took like a cab up there, and they waited for him to walk into the restaurant to see what a real Asian look like and shit. It's crazy. I didn't know that about you. Yeah, well, there was one other Asian kid. He was half Korean and half white, and he was a valedictorian.

And you were second? No. I know. I was the only Asian kid in the high school, but I wasn't. I was like number 13. Oh, terrible for your parents.

Whatever. 13. That's still really good. It's fucking crazy. I don't remember any Asians in my grammar school. In high school I did, but they never really mingled. And, you know,

if you know anything about me, bro, I've always been mystified by everything Asian. Really? Like what? Oh, you do acupuncture? No, but this all started when I was a kid with my mother.

Every Saturday, for a couple of years, would go there was a place like on 57th or 56th in Bergen line and it was a Chinese place that sold like elephants tiger bomb tiger bomb red envelopes for the new year boas slippers you know slippers earwax extraction devices and I found out they can get Bruce Lee shit like posters and numtucks numchucks t-shirts and the whole because I used to dress they have throwing stars like all stuff. No, you gotta go in the city to get those at a different type

of, I forget, the martial arts place. But the shitty thing about the stars of them never sharp. Yeah. So you took them home, you're they with a fucking tree. You've been waiting for three months to get a star to throw at your neighbor's fucking dog. And the next thing you know, you throw out the tree and it ain't going into the fucking tree. Now you're

going to take it to the hardware store and sharpen it. But they want like $3 for each fucking side. There's fucking like, it's $26 to get the star sharpened and shit. You just save 10 months to pay $10 for the star. It cost 26 to sharpen this motherfucker. So plan B is going to your mother's house

and get in the can opener. In the old days, it opened up cans this way. But if you turn the motherfucker around, there was a sharpener of it like the zh. It would take it like four fucking days to sharpen that star. By the second day, he just gave up. Stars were tough

because they never came sharpened. Thank goodness. Imagine how many, like, terrors you would have New chucks, you always mother. How many eyes you would have taken out? New chucks, you always modified. New chucks came like playing. There, you always modified them.

Because at first when they showed up, they just showed up out of the fucking oak with the string. And then these gorillas started making broom handles with the thing. But then, Kharato, the Hong Kong cat came out. And that motherfucker said it all because he got plumbing, copper plumbing. And he put the caps in the bottom of the new chuk. So, motherfucker started, wow. Damn. Crazy gluing.

The bottom of. Jesus Christ into the broom handle. Like they would get a broom handle that the thing would fit. Motherfuckers were clocking you in the head. Never mind that. If you practice one of those copper new chucks,

you'd go home all fucked up. Those motherfuckers got all CTE now and shit. I'm surprised I ain't got CTE. I hit myself 82 fucking times in the head with new chucks. Oh, my God. You might have CETE. I do. I know I got CETE.

I never played with real num Chucks. I just played with them on Street Fighter. You never play with Newchucks as a kid. You never have a kid. No, no. You lived your life through a fucking game. Next time I see you, I'm going to give you a new choice. We have a pair here.

Where are they? Oh, the orange ones. Those are good. Yeah, we'll start you off with those to practice with. When you were young, you were raised by Korean parents, correct? Yeah. Didn't they take you to Taekwondo to throw kicks? No, my parents were so fucking cheap.

They didn't take us to nothing. And you have sisters, correct? Yeah. So, but there's this one guy from church who lived in our basement, and he taught us Taekwondo as a way to pay my parents rent. So we would learn Taekwondo. Was he white? No, Korean got straight from Korea.

How old was he? He was, you know, probably 30-something. Did he hit on you? No. He was decent tea? No, I was a kid. So I'm just saying, maybe he'd breathe in like on your neck. That's what got you started.

Didn't you say? No, no, no. He took your ice cream next thing, you know, you asked to Koo. You were a little Esther before that. Then he took you for a ride. You came back as Esther Koo. He had fucking eye. Well, when I was a kid, I wasn't cute.

So they went, you know, these guys who lived in our basement, they didn't really try anything with me. How would you? That probably saved me, though, from getting molested. You know? When did you become estacal? Probably when I got, like, contact lenses, you know? You lost the glasses? Yeah.

But I've been wearing glasses since I was in second grade. I was a little nerd with glasses. My whole school career. You don't remember anything before your second grade. You're getting pretty every time I see you. This is the best you look since I haven't met. Your hair looks very nice. I went back to black.

Thank you. Well, you've got you change your head and you let it grow. It looks good on you. Yeah. You came in here with the hot pants. You ain't fucking around tonight with the... You made fun of me last time for wearing panty hose, and I was so embarrassed. That's right.

How can you wear pantyhows? How can you tell people... Tell people... I'm sorry. At home that I was wearing panty hose. It's like cheating a motherfucker. Don't act like you don't wear panty hose on the weekends. No, I don't.

I fucking, let me tell you something. What's on a panty hose? Let me tell you something. You know why I never robbed the bank? The only pantos? Let me tell you the truth. Let me tell you the truth when I never robbed a panty hose over my fucking head. Please stop it.

Please tell me that's not the only. That's the reason. Let me tell you something. When I was a kid, I don't mind anything. I loved them. I was a creepy fucking kid. You could just put on a mask like they'd do it, baby driver. Listen to me.

After my dad died, I was a little fucked. I got a little fucked up in the head. How old were you? Three, I got a little fucked up in the head. Oh my God. So for years after I was a little fucked up in the head. But my mom and her girlfriends would talk sexual shit in front of me. Like the girls would be, I'd be like six, and they'd be playing cards.

I'd be in the other room, and I would hear the girl said, well, my husband finally fucked me the other day. He fell out. I'm never forget. This one lady told my mom that her husband was so fucked up, he fell asleep eating my pussy. and all the other women were laughing I was like eating her who's pussy like I didn't fucking know

And did you think like they were literally With a spoon and a bib Like eating pussy? When you're three you don't know what eating means I was a little older than that at this time They would always get together on Tuesday nights And this went on Even until I moved to Jersey

Like the group got smaller Because one got married One moved away One went to prison But that central group Vivian Lachina They were always together Like my mom, La Loka, whatever they called, I forget what her name was.

She was, that woman was good-looking. La Puta. No, no, this lady was Gloria. Her name was Gloria. She was fucking blue-eyed Cuban woman. Light skin, your hair color, knockout. When I was a kid, I loved that. I kind of had a crush on him.

When I was about six, she was my babysitting. My mom asked me to watch me, and she kept fucking with me. She wouldn't let me watch her Wi-Five-O, so I hit him in her head with a fucking shirt. shoehorn. I had one of those metal shoe horns and shit. So her and I didn't really talk for like three or four years. And as I got older, she came back into my life. But she was one of my mom's tighter friends, but she wasn't the dirty one. It was this one woman. I forget what her name was today. Her husband's name was. But her her, I forget what her name was. But she would always talk about sexual escapades with her husband out loud. And I would be in the room watching like TV. And I would hear. I think women talk more about our sex lives than men do men are just like yeah I banged her and that's the end of that It's like yo good going but for women we get descriptive So I don't you know it was kind of weird. I don't even know my point was what we talking when?

When you was a kid and you got babysat by the blue eye woman So it was funny but when I was a kid I was creepy because I got interested in women But I didn't know anything about women. I didn't know what was between their legs and shit So I would go to my godmother's house in Miami and she had like like a big bathroom and shit. And I would sniff a bras. I would sniff a little douche. Women in those days had the red little thing,

the douche with the hose. And at the end there's like a stick that looks kind of like a dick with like four holes. Now we're just walking around with dirty poces. And they put fucking vinegar in the bag and they shake it up with some metamusal. You guys don't use duches anymore? Yeah, they do.

Don't listen. They're disposable, whatever. You come home, they shake them up. And it's like fucking, oh, it's like a Caesar salad dress. It's the same fucking. indifference. You put that Caesar salad dressing up your monkey. You keep anybody away for two days.

Did you ever see her get undressed? Who? That woman. Oh, fuck, yeah. You know I watched those dirty women. Yeah. They would, like, women were crazy in those days because, like, let's say you were playing cards. And this happened when I was younger, like

six, five. I would watch them. And they would go, like, I love your blouse. And the other girl would go, you want to borrow it? Yeah. Oh, my God, I have a date tomorrow. Let me borrow it. And they would just take their shirt tore from in front of me. Because it's a way of flirting. Their bras, their bras were on.

Their bras, they weren't like titless. No, they were never naked in front of me. Tittless is a whole other situation. My mom wouldn't allow that shit in front of me. There's no tits. And then as I got, you know, but that was a way. My mom would ask me when they would leave, my mom would go. Let me ask you something.

Which one is the hottest out of those bitches? Really? I won't tell them. I won't tell them when I go. And I'd break it down from me. When I was like a young kid. She trained you to be that. Yeah, she was like, what do you think about Vivian?

She's like trying to get that like testosterone out of you. Yeah, she didn't fuck around. Is that what Cubans mom do? Yeah. When I was 12, she brought a woman home one night. And thinking back today, like, I could look you straight in the face and I would tell you. And they fucked each other. No, no, no.

I don't remember if I, she took me upstairs and I woke up next to her, but I think I had like an anxiety attack. the attack. Until today, 50, 40 years later, I still don't know what really happened. I know we made out a little bit. With your mom's friend? My mom woke me up and said, get dressed as somebody

downstairs who wants to meet you. And it was my dad, my stepdad, uh, fucking, not my dad, my stepdad, some of his friends. You lost your virginity that night. No, no, I don't think so. A bunch of women. No, don't scare me like that. You just fucked up my emotions. Don't do that to

And that's the way I want to lose my virginity. And I was like 12. I'll never forget this. I went downstairs not really knowing what she was talking about. How could you? You're 12. And I went down with pajamas. You know, the pajamas are you feeding them?

Like, I went down like a little half of fruit cake. With a doorway for your butt. Like a super, like a fucking superhero or football pajamas. And we had, when we pulled into our garage, there were stairs going up and stairs going down. Stairs going up took you into the kitchen. stairs going down my mom had a separate it was like a room with a TV and a bar and a refrigerator

and that's where they cook sometimes down there was like a simple The orgy room No it was like 15 people I used it as a as a As a karate room Like when I was a kid Me and my friends were going on there

And beat the fuck out of each other But my mom's like you can't make holes in the walls no more So she fixed it up and turned it into like a fucking hangout I used to go on there and watch TV at night And I went downstairs And I was like 15 people down there. I knew a lot of the guys from my mom's bar. And also my mom's like, what do you think? And I'm like,

you know, like, I didn't even know what the fuck I said. And next to you know, they were playing music and my mom's like dancing. I'm like, no. And she's like, dance with her. And she's like, dance with her. And she started rubbing up against me. And let me tell you something, my dick got hard. At 12? Oh, my dick got so hard that my pajamas stretched. Have you gone through puberty yet? No. I was late. I was a late bloom. I remember

Like I was one of those guys where at first your hair grows in the sides when you're a kid or maybe a girl I know for us the hair grew in the side so like that June the hair grew in thick in the side not the top though so I kept telling people I'm ready I'll be ready to fuck by September by September the rest of that dry patch or fucking fill it took a while it took eight months for that motherfucker the felon. So I was excited to fuck, but I couldn't fuck with no hair. You know, that's just against God.

You just tell her you shaved it off already. No, no, no. Nobody trusts me. You're 13. Nobody shaves their dick. Everybody lives their whole life to get that first fucking hair. Yeah. And that's the thing. Did you shave your little monkey when you first got hair at 13? No. Okay then. No. I kept it a bush till I was fucking 20.

Yeah. That's what people do and shit like that. So I didn't know, but it's so funny how the hair comes in the sides and you're like shit look how fast the hair you're on the sides but it took eight months for the fucking you were walking around like a bozo dick like he was

just bald so no no no no no there was no no no no I took her upstairs we danced you know we danced everybody was like giggling and shit and then she goes come on let me take you upstairs she had like a dress on I think we swapped

man because I had a room upstairs the attic And I had my bedroom downstairs. There was three bedrooms on the second floor and an attic that was turned into a bedroom when I was growing up. And there was also a bathroom on that floor. We went up to the attic. I didn't take it out of my bedroom.

And we swapped a little spit and shame. When I woke up in the morning, I was so petrified. That's the cool. I didn't even see if she was naked or not. I was so fucking embarrassed because everybody always wants to have sex. But you have a certain way. As fucking crazy as this is,

I always thought it was going to be a different fucking way. Like, I did some stupid, dirty shit when I was a kid. I had sex with some fucking in some creepy situations, man. What did you do? Play doctor with the kids? No, what the fuck is wrong with you? That's the cool. You're saying like crazy shit, that's the cool.

That's improper. You understand. Relax. I didn't use a condom for, like, the first, like, three or four times. I was, like, and I was never. What do you mean? Yes, you do? Oh, yeah, you do.

Yeah, especially after your guy, you know, the condom got full blast in 85. You're lucky you didn't become a teen dead. Well, no, I didn't have sex. Before 85, everybody still ran the fucking gamut. I think I started getting diseases

like in fucking... Oh, Jesus. That's my worst nightmare. The 80s? Getting diseases? Shit, man. That's the AIDS era. 85 was the 83 was when they started fucking or something like that.

I watched that movie, let the music play or whatever it's called on HBO, about the pilot who supposedly spread it. You know, in the beginning, Richard Gere's the fucking dude. He gets AIDS. He plays the fucking dude that's the, I forget what his name is. There's like one patient zero? It was like with the guy who started AIDS?

Really? I don't know. You can't really say it. I think it was attached to a pilot who gave it to a story. who gave it to a stewardess who, you know, it was just, they showed the chart of what they thought. And they had it. If you watch that movie, watch it sometime.

Let the music play or the band played on. It's got everybody in it. I mean, it's got an all-star fucking cast. HBO did it 30 fucking years ago. And all that stuff started in 85. In 84, 85, that was still taking chances. It took chances to about 93. Oh, fuck.

A whole decade. Yeah, because all that drug, you know, you're drugged up. And you're doing blow when you're having sex. At 5 in the morning, you've been up. Your ability to make decisions dissipates. Yeah. And you just go, here goes. It goes for nothing.

And you're sticking in there, you hear like a little, like there's like a helmet in there. You know, you don't know. So you just everybody take a chance. And then some of you, you go to the doctor and get an HIV test. You come back clear and you go, God. I owe you one. The next time you see a dude in front of the 7-11 instead of giving him a dollar, give him a $5 a bill. Give one back to fucking calm. It's the truth. What can you do? There you go. You're lucky. You went through some crazy shit.

We're all fucking lucky. You know, when you're a, it's funny. Last night I went to the store and Ali Wong was up and she was talking about men comedian, how they all cheat on their wives, their filthy animals. That's why they're all devouty animals. That's why they were all devour. She's pretty fucking funny. I guess the majority of them are. And it's, well, you know... You're still married. Yeah.

I've been with her for 17 fucking years, man. Yeah. A lot goes on in 17 fucking years. For a long time. But, you know, you get the levels in your life, and you'll see, you know, you guys are young, you'll see. And after you get there, you go, oh, now I'm in the same. understand why this happened.

Life pretty much plays itself out and you see at different levels. For me to get to the next level, I needed a wife. I needed that manhood type thing. No, no, it's not a grounding, man. Once a man is young.

And I think there are plenty of female comics who cheat on their husbands too. Really? Well, you never... Listen, nobody really knows and who the fuck gives a fuck. But it's not even about that it's like uh i didn't even fucking know what that fucking shit you were married you went

them to the uh why you got married uh word like we're all lucky why you got married you'll see listen you're with paula right and you'll see after you were paula for 15 20 years you'll see the part that she played in your life but it's hard to describe to somebody like now when i was a youngster and i got married i didn't really have any respect for it when i was 28 and i got married I thought marriage was I worked, I come home, I give you a stab and the house is clean. I really did. And that's a fucking horrible way to think. But guess what?

That's how 60% of guys go into it. Or they're getting something out of the deal. The father owns a construction company. And, you know, there's always a by the way because guys don't really know. They want to get married. Everybody wants to get married. Everybody's raised to get fucking married. And all of a sudden you get married and you make a mistake and there you fucking are.

And then you learn about yourself. You bounce back. few years, you learn about yourself. And guess what, man, you find somebody who you truly understands you and you understand that person. And the next thing you know, you're with them for five years. And then you get married. Then you're with them for 10 years. Then you're with them for 15 years. And you see the growth that you've done together. You needed that growth to take you into your different level of manhood. That's a complete different level of manhood. You know, and it's okay if you made a mistake when you were married.

As long as you got married the second time, you made a good choice. You found the right one for you because every ass has a seat. I don't give a fuck what they tell you. Every ass has a seat. And guess what? And Lee, you're going to kiss 20 people before you find the right person. But when you do, you'll know it. And after you're with them.

So the first marriage is always for fucking up. Well, I'm not saying that, but I always smell. I like those more practical wedding cards to give to my friends when they get married. first time around. Like what? Like, I give it five years or... No, no, no. You gotta be positive with people.

But the beauty about it is you know when it's a bullshit wedding and you know when it's real. If I see you two... You know what? You ever go to a wedding? To me, they're the most fucking pretentious thing that you're ever doing your life, whether you're an actress, you're a pornography or a fucking accountant. They make you sick to your stomach.

Weddings make you sick to your stomach. Because it's like a three-hour... somebody turned ether on. You know what I'm saying? And then you hear crazy shit and you go, they kissed 80 times, they had fucking every celebrity there,

they shot pigeons in the air, they had Mercedes-Benz, but the night before, Mario Lopez and his friends took a stripper and fucked her up the ass and came in her mouth and shit and she went public

and the chick that he married fucking got the marriage and all the Monday. No way, that's what happened? Yeah, look it up. Mario. Lopez marriage for cheating you know so think about that think about how many weddings hilarious think how many times the secretary goes good for her that she annulled it think about

think about how many times the secretary goes to a wedding and her boss and his wife are kissing and that saying to forever and people going oh he's so in love meanwhile you're like I just sucked his dick three nights ago and he ate my pussy and he gave me 5,000 for rent. Or how many funerals do like the mistresses or the side stakes come up and you look at them like well why are they extra crying so hard because that their rent is getting cut off that electric light bill is fucking done you know what I'm saying that account they're the electrician and you comes out again fuck yeah I see now but it's just really crazy how what the fuck was that and the maria Lopez coming the story was hidden somebody's playing

that's what always bothered me about weddings you go to a wedding and why you're there I really got to be honest you I could sit there and call the time is people going to get divorced because nobody love... All the time, man. No, no, no, no, no. I went to my friend's wedding.

She met him on Tinder and they broke up a year later. I'm like, why did I waste money on your fucking prison and go into your wedding? I want my shit back. I want my shit back. And if you know before I am like, it's just so...

Actually, when I bought, I bought something for her on William Sonoma on the website, and then something that she requested that I bought wasn't available until September. So they sent me a gift card for the amount that I spent because there was like a fluke in the system.

I could have told her right then that the marriage wasn't going to work. Let me ask you this. You still tour a lot? Yeah. You still doing colleges? No, not so much colleges. What about that girl code? You ever dropping on that anymore?

Is it still on TV? I don't fucking know. All right. You know, yeah, I was in the first three seasons of Girl Code. Is it still on TV? Probably. You don't know. You didn't give me a fucking.

straight answer. You know if it's on TV. I don't know if it's on TV. Because you watch the TV, you get residuals. Don't be bullshit. I don't know if it's a, no. You're Korean. You got to repudity.

You know what repaid it's coming out. Oh, MTV don't pay residuals. They don't? No. No, you just pay one time and. Say Lavee. They can play it until you're fucking 90. Yeah.

So it doesn't benefit me if they replay it. So it might be airing, but I don't know. But you make your money on the road. That's what you're supposed. That's the MTV model, I guess. Did you find it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Print it up on the thing there. Read it to Estacucah what this lunatic did. What? Meanwhile, they had pictures of him. I truly love her with all my heart. Oh, Mario Lopez. Oh, it's fucking ugly. And then there's another article I could pull up I saw,

and I just read the headline. It said he admits to never loving her. And I was like, that's like, that's almost worse than cheating. After she got it annulled? To publicly say, I never loved you. Oh, because he got embarrassed. And I've heard, you know, people, last time we spoke about this couple of years ago, we really got into, we got into this conversation with me.

We got into this conversation with somebody years ago that got heavy. Maybe Sarah Tiana. I would feel like a pedophile fucking Mario Lopez with those stupid dimples. You know, he looks so young. What's her name? Will you please, Mary Lopez? Allie. Allie Landry, yes.

This chick was a model. She did something. Jesus Christ, though. Why are their heads cut off? I don't know. Mario Lopez. He fucked around. Do you want to see if I can finally get like a real in-depth?

No, who gets a question. See, that's why you can't get married around spring break. That's what happened here. Everybody at the party was on spring break. Listen, man, you're used to a certain fucking lifestyle. You're not going to give up that lifestyle. If you look like Mario Lopez, You get pussy five nights a week in this town, just being Mario Lopez.

All of a sudden, he meets a girl. He falls there because everybody thinks they're going to fall in love. I think he remarried now he's happy. Yeah, he has a daughter now. But yeah, it doesn't matter. All those celebrity types are good looking. There's always somebody who's going to suck their dick in the closet or in a car real quick. Do you think they appreciate it anymore?

Like, he's been getting his dick sucks in saved by the Bell days. Yeah. That's amazing. You're a man. You always appreciate it. I don't know. It's whether you're going to call them back. You get bored and start fucking dudes.

I think I appreciate blow drops more than Mario Lopez. Because I didn't get them as much. I don't want to do none of that ridiculousness. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's fucking. Lee, how often do you get blow jobs? No, I'm not complaining way. I'm just saying overall compared to Mario Lopez as like a...

Poor Lee. You don't think so? Poor Lee. I'm sure. I'm sure. He has enough situations going on When are you leaving for Vegas, my brother? Friday morning

You ready to go? Tip Top Magoo Yeah, I'm ready to go. You're playing cards. What are you doing? Playing cards. We're going to go see the Beatles show there. That'll be good.

How did you pick that? Huh? What do you have against Cirque de Toulay? I have nothing in a second. I'm just curious. What made you pick the Beatles show? I played 22 albums. You've never asked me once to put on the Beatles.

Because she wants to see Beatles and there's 8 million of them. Oh, I've seen the Beatles show. Yeah, people love it. Yeah, it's really good. Everyone says it's an athlete. I'm not even a big Beatles person. I'm a Beach Boys person. Okay.

Yeah, Beach Boys are good. And then we're going to watch the fights with Larry. And I'm pretty excited. What's so entertaining about watching a fight? Well, it's in a cool little lounge. I prefer to watch real fights on the street. That's good. We can't bet on those, though.

One time in New York, I saw it was like two in the morning. This couple was having a fight. They were screaming. at each other in the East Village. All of a sudden, she takes her shirt off, and she has no bra on. She has big boobs. She jumps in a taxi in the backseat, jumps out the other side of the door. He runs after her, and they're screaming at the top of their lungs.

Those are the kinds of fights I like to watch. Me too, that's the cool. But then you grow the fuck up, and you go, why the fuck would I want to sit here in case this guy starts taking a knife and coming at me? I see a knife. I see a fight in New York City. you take a look and you keep walking. If somebody drops a wallet

and you run back and pick it up, you know what I'm saying? And you take the cash and you mail it in the mail. No, I don't fucking know as to go. Why don't want to want to watch the UFC fight. John Jones is fighting Cornier. So he's going to fucking Vegas with his fucking girlfriend. He don't want to watch it a live fight.

You know what I'm saying? I don't think they have like street fights every, like it's not a reliable. Where are you going to dinner? I know you got a list already. Yeah, we're probably going to go. a strip steak. All right.

What else? And then we're going to go to one buffet, I think. All right. What else? And I think that's all we have planned so far. There's no hummus place in fucking Vegas or something. Why? Why go to Vegas and get hummus?

I can bring hummus. Because that's what you do. That's the type of person. Go to Vegas and get hummers. Sure. He won't do. I buy a Hummer. He's going to go to the Beatles show and sit down like a Mukdeluk.

Yeah. The Moogaloo. They have a 10, 14 or 20, whatever Circular, Circular, silly shows. Nobody's getting a house. There's no one goes. He's fucking going nowhere. I'm going to play Blackjack.

He's going to drive for six hours. Four hours. Do you split eights? In a hundred and fourteen degree weather. You have to split eights. You know, his assholes are going to smell like with all that hummus and everything? Sevens. You have any idea?

You have any fucking idea estical? What's up? He's going to drive five hours to Vegas. Yeah, everyone drives to Vegas. It's fun. It's to Vegas. Oh, boy. That's a long trip.

That's a long trip. It's the same exact day. I'm on a Friday morning. How much is a flight? Like $60. If you know, if you know when you're going four years in advance,

now it's like $300. I like driving though. I like road trips. Yeah, it's four hours, guys are talking about it. You're going to go on the fucking computer. It's actually three hours, but with traffic always. It's four and a half for him.

Trust me. Well, no, it's not. Plus, if you, like, measure the time from you leaving your house, even if you're just going to Burbank, and then that whole process, it's, maybe you save an hour. Maybe.

I don't even think. Probably 6 a.m. I don't fuck around when it's Vegas. I don't fucking wrong when it's Vegas. Well, probably wake up at 6 a.m. and get on the road to beat the traffic and get there by 11. At what point do you pull out at a blackjack game when you're up by how much? See, that's my problem.

I don't pull out. Doug, listen, he loses every fucking time. Shut up. You got to know when to pull out. That's poor bastard. See that when she used that I pull out. Plus, okay, do you play, have you ever had a friend there with you? Listen, why are we talking about blackjack on the show?

No, no, no. No, let's please. Boaties. Bothie is. Both these. A terrible blackjack. This guy, we got so bad at it. Trust me.

A year ago, he was going to be a blackjack player. He was going out every night. He bought books. Oh, shit. You just got to play the video game. I play the video game all the time. He was going to go off the casino on Tuesdays. If there's an Asian dealer, do you not sit there?

Yeah, sometimes. They're so fast. They're too good. Yeah. Well, the men are, men are, I'll sit down. Women are just, they're real fast. And they're kind of like, I was at the, stratosphere and I did really well

there but they were just so cranky sometimes I like having a good time with the Oh the Chinese dealers? Yeah sometimes sometimes they're a little not too happy to be there. That's when you got to dose them with the edible. I would love to do that That would be so much fun. What's your favorite place in Vegas to play cards? Where you're the happiest

the most comfortable? I like anywhere I mean it really doesn't matter. You don't have a home for cards over that? It used to be like the Venetian but it's just... You know, have you written a Yelp review for? I haven't written any Yelp reviews. I used to like playing in the Venetian, but they have really, like, I think, like, when I first started going to Vegas, parking was free in every casino, even valet. You would just tip the guy.

And now it's like, you have to pay. Now everybody charges? Yeah, everyone charges. Everyone charges. And it's a pain in the butt. And it seems like they've really raised the table limits in Vegas. So how much is your parking this week? 40 a day?

I'm only two days. I'm only there for two days, so it's okay. You made sure that you ain't paying that two and a half day. You get now there on the club. Take it if I know you. Well, no, I'm sure I'll have to. You're in-out, tip-top, McGoo, Jack. Well, check out, it's probably 11.

But, yeah, it's going to, I mean, the Venetian's really great. I had a really good time at the, like, the, like, the, lock, uh, it's either the locksore, I think, or maybe the castle. It's, like, it's all connected to, uh, Mandalay Bay. And the last time I was there, that's where I had, like, a really good time. Like, that was my best. So you're going to put Paul to the bed after the Beatles. Right. And then you're shooting like a single by.

You're probably. But I am going to get her. She's a good... Yeah, but if you know that you don't pull out early enough... I'm going to bring her with me. Bring her with you and keep her behind you. I'm going to get it. He's never had the opportunity to pull out, all right?

I have to listen to him. Last time I was there, I got to... What are you going to tell me about this? This is a waste of a... How much do you put down? No, nothing. $450. The most of it was, though, I buy it for $100.

Uh-huh. And that's... You went up to $4.50 ones? No, I went up to with... A thousand once. So this is the, it was, it was,

it was, it was, it was, it was, the, I was doing terrible all weekend. It was, like, that time I did get fucked on the drive. There was an accident right out the border and took two hours across the border. That time I did get fucked. And let, it's always happens. Something always happens.

Our friend Larry said that it was a bad, uh, voodoo. But I went to strip steak. You were very nice and you paid for, you got me a dinner, dinner strip steak, and you give me a hundred bucks for gambling. So I was like, this is joys.

I go in, I walk into the casino. know, I don't normally like playing by myself because it's a little fast and like you can lose a lot real quick. You like playing with yourself? I do that also. But there's a black dude dealer and I just went down. No one was there.

On him. I just started getting black jacks, but, and it's funny you brought up the Asian. Black Jacks, Black Jacks, Black Jacks. He leaves. An Asian woman starts pulling in. I just went probably from one to 300, let's say. And no more face cards. And I was real excited.

I was like, okay, I'm going to leave. But something was, she, I, she even. I think she even said something. I think she was even like, give me a chance or where are you going. And I said, okay, let's try it again. I got, like, maybe like seven blackjack over the span of, like, 15 minutes.

It was amazing. And, like, it was the only, I used to bet $15. At certain points, the deal was making my bets $25, because they wanted to switch the table. But it was, like, the best run of cards ever ever gotten. And I think when I left there,

I had one from your one to, like, six, or four something, somewhere in that area. and I walked to another casino, and I just ended up sitting down on a $25 table by accident. And when you're on those tables, it's actually kind of cool, because you sit with people who are like real gamblers. They come in with stacks, and they'll bet like 400 a hand, three hands over the table. And it's like, it's way more than I could ever bet, but it's like exciting for me to even just see it happen.

But I took it up to a thousand, and I told myself I was going to leave. And I didn't. And I even, I missed the shuttle. If I had left in time for the shuttle, I would have went to a thousand. I left with 500. So it was still, I still did okay, but I lost half of it. Damn. It was terrible.

You got to time your pull-outs with the shuttles. I'm not good at it. Yeah. I've started sitting timers on my phone. You know what's crazy, the psychology gambling, you know, I never. It was in all those years I sports, but I could count on my hands. how many times I really picked up an envelope. Because even if you're up, you're always greedy.

Right. Greed always comes up. Unless you're fucking super strong and super willed. And over the years, you know, you get a little bit more control and you see what they're doing and you see the scam and, you know, you start to see more things. And you become less of a percentage. Yeah. Percentages are less than losing money and you just learn by going, you know.

When I first started doing that, I would always do a parlay. And you always tell me parlay is always lose. Just pick one fine. I think that's what I'm going to do with this fight. I think I like one fight. And I think I'm just going to go with that. It's very crazy. Are you betting on the fight?

I think so. People always tell me, why do you always get a Subaru? Why do you ever fucking buy a Subaru? Because there's only two cars I could possibly buy on the road right now. Do you know why? Because I sold cars in college. And I sold cars and I was good at it. And I saw the scam.

I saw the beginning, the middle and the end. And because of that, I remember everything about cars. Like, I only buy cars unless I get a great, great deal, or it's a two-year-old car so somebody else eats the appreciation, the whatever the fuck you call it. That's the only way I would buy a fucking car. But besides that, I would never buy a car without those two P. Wickersage, you know what I'm saying? Why wouldn't I buy a BMW? or nothing like that because I don't know as a young guy

I saw what those cars represent and they always made me feel shitty you know what I'm saying like why would I have a car that I don't know I don't need a fucking BMW I remember the first time I got into a BMW you know you're like whoa

like you always think like it's so far away you know you always only been in Toyotas and Ford's and Chevys and the first time I was like it you know probably I don't know but the first time I got in one I was like wow and they're a beautiful car this is how people the other people live

the other people live yeah it just made me feel weird it made you feel like you have to like talk quieter have you ever been in one of like the even fancier cars like the Rolls Royces or like I've never even been in like that's crazy like a hundred thousand dollar cars and we meet oh my gosh and we drive to the restaurant the Lamborghini and I gotta tell you some guys I feel like a fucking asshole

when I got out of that car I really do I can't I don't want to you. Because it's a weird color? Every time we meet now, I just go, let me just meet you with the restaurant. Because I don't want to pull up in a Lamborghini. I don't want to pull up in a car where the cars,

where the doors go up on the side, like a rocket ship. First off... Like a McLaren? Yeah, like first off, you know what? I'm not comfortable in those fucking cars. I'm a big deal. Number two, I just can't pull up in front of a place and come out of that fucking car.

Smoke's coming out? Yeah, like, I can't do it. It's never been. for me. I don't like sports cars because I don't like being so close to the ground. It feels weird. It feels like a truck could run you over. They do. I don't know. Do they? Sometimes. Well, they're very close to the ground. That's why they have the car they are. I mean, I don't need to be high up on a SUV, but I'd rather just be regular height with regular.

Well, the super I used to have, I bought it twice in a row, and I got to be too low for me. I'm like, this is too fucking low. And I was about to give up two months ago. I was about to give up guys because there was only one car beside that Subaru I really liked and I wanted to try and that's the cataly me too that was it besides that I'm a Subaru guy and I was driving down my block and I saw a car not like my wife but the other one it's a little smaller and cute it and I said let me get in that I loved it it's perfect with a little higher you know what I'm saying I'm not looking at fucking uh I'm not looking at Johnny Lamborghini or nothing like that I'm just trying to put the motherfucking pieces together. But yeah, you're always doing something.

I'm really proud of you for putting together a little show. You're still working with the same manager? Oh, yeah. Oh, my show? I just had a live podcast taping with Aiko Tanaka and Kevin Shea. Now, Iko Tanaka, she's the girl that was a comic 20 years ago at the store. That woman? Oh, no, no, no.

No, that's somebody else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a big-time Japanese woman that hung out. In fact, she dated Sam Kennison. Iko something from the comedy store in the 80s and 90s, a real pretty Japanese girl. I think she's back in Japan doing stand-up now. Last time I saw her, she was at the school.

I heard about her. I never met her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old school and stuff ran with the fucking outlaws. Real crazy fucking Asian shit. No, Iko was a model, and she was on Howard Stern before she became a comedian. A little Ico. Yeah.

Will Ico's a cute girl Yeah, she's really cute And Kevin She's a bad motherfucking comic Yeah, so... I know Kevin Shea a long time I just posted that episode today Coo and the Gang is my podcast Coo in the motherfucking gang

Coo and the gang So you got a little TV show You got the podcast Where are you soon? Where are you going on the road soon? I'm gonna be at The Bayshore Club in Miami On August 7th

And they book comics there all the time Yeah Do they really? The Bay Shore Club And shit What's going on with the Doroa improv? Have you seen it yet? Have you heard rumors?

I don't know what's going on with the Dorel. Yes. But I heard it's opening. Yes. Yeah. So they're going to have a club in Miami pretty soon. We can both work that motherfucker. Yeah, man.

And have a good time. Estaluku, the Korean fucking stuff. That Cuban bread? Fuck, yeah. Estacu. So both your parents are Korean. Yeah. Well, my mom just died.

I'm sorry to hear that. I owe was she. So she was 64. Okay. Yeah. She didn't do that bad. Knock on wood. You know, what I say?

Musseltoff. Yeah. You miss her? You know, you know, you reminisce. Yeah. How was your relationship, brother? It wasn't good. Better with your dad?

No. Worst with your dad? No, I mean, like, you know, I've been through therapy. So my therapist, once I told them about my parents, they, like, advised me not to, you know, really hang out with my parents. anymore. But I used to do, you know what I mean? Like you become codependent and shit. And I used to do things for her all the time. I cleaned her room one time. She was so messy. She was like a kid. I cleaned my mom's bedroom one time and I found like worms and like papers from like 1994. You know? Some people just don't know how to, but she was a big gambler.

Korean? Yeah. Yeah. And she would like, she would like, she would. would gamble so much in Illinois that she had to, like, get herself on, like, a list of, like, in Gambles Anonymous, they have you do, like, you know. But, like, if you win anything, you have to give it back. Like, you sign yourself up to do that. So, what was she gambling on? She was playing, she wouldn't even play Blackjack, Lee. What would she play? Yes.

Pie gal. She's a slot machine. Yes. Yes. No. Because women get addicted to those things. She would win $11,000, $13,000, buy a car, and then not be able to pay the taxes, and then, you know? And then lose it all back.

Were her and your dad still married? Yeah. Your dad knew about the gambling. Mm-hmm. They'd piss him off. Mm-hmm. Because he's not like that. He's not like that.

Yeah. And she would go crazy. She'd just sneak into the night down there. You know, my mom married my dad, and my dad was a poor guy. guy. But my mom came from a nice family. You know? She would like she, she, like I went to Korea and I met my relatives. I was like, oh, my mom's side, they're all like doctors. And my dad's side, they're all like taxi drivers. She like married down. That's why she was addicted to gambling probably because she didn't have any money.

What they do for a limit? My dad was a, uh, worked at the post office overnight and my mom was a nurse. A little bit of money. But yeah, I'm a little bit of money. Like nine kids, two kids. Five kids. Wow. No, but they made them give 20% of their money away to the church. Oh.

What church? It's a church that I grew up in. The Korean church. Yeah, the Korean church. They picked you up with the van on Sunday. Evangelical church. No, they had cars. Cars, okay.

Because I've seen like the little Korean community. They couldn't afford a van. The church was in a house. They like took a house and knocked the walls down. All the neighbors hated us. What were they doing with all that money? Um, it would, there's a lot of poor people at the church, so they would just, like, pay for people's apartments or help people, help people pay for their wedding rings and shit like that. Wedding wings, that's a luxury.

Yeah. I don't help nobody pay. I'll help you pay for an apartment. I know, right? And they'll fucking get a meal and get a warm blanket. A lot of broke ex-drug addicts were members of the church, and I don't want to say ex-drug addicts, but it was just like a lot of... Do you imagine paying 20% on top of taxes? Dude, I know, man.

That's why they, like, we didn't have anything because all the money went to the church, and then I worked for the church also, you know? I'm crazy, dog. I ain't given the church dick. Yeah. All right? I didn't give him the church dick. I go to that, put a fin in the basket, and I feel comfortable with the skinny finny.

You know what I'm saying? After that, you got to fucking talk to me to give you a little bit more. I got friends that need help. I got friends that need help. That's the cathode. Right. me that's the Catholic way instead of me going to a church and

given 10% listen every fucking month I either send money to my sister oh my godmother I got no choice anymore my godmother I got to pay for a fucking electric bill in Miami it's 170 a month in the fucking winter in the summer with the air conditioner

with the air conditioner because the air conditioner jacks it up or something like that so I get it you know what I'm saying I get it that's a Catholic way I take care of my family besides that what are you're going to do give you 10 points of my action 20 points of my action for what

to go there and play the tambourine so I can let people know how good of a dude I am so at the end of the year people fucking say let's give it up for the Diaz family for also being part of the fucking suckers on the list and everybody around you clap for you people just go to church because they're lonely this isn't always need to church for various reasons

I go to church from time to time I'm not making fun anybody who goes to church I just went to church early on and seen what it was to a lot of people. You get it. I see what it is to you. Lee said he went to that fucking the Rocky Horror Picture show.

To some people, people go, it's okay, but for some dude, I saw it 69 times. You know, I was here one night when Susan Sarandon walked in, that type of shit, you know. You're with me? You know, I remember one time,

It was the summer, maybe the winter of 81. And at the Fairview Cinema, which was a double cinema, at midnight, they would always play at Rocky Howard Pictures Show and something else. Some nights it was Pink Floyd Live in Pompeii, or they had a Neil Young movie, they had a bunch of movies in the late 70s. And one time it was the song that made the same. So me, Loebbs, Holloway and Glenn Conti and Fernie drive up to Fairview Cinema,

which was a mile from where our headquarters was. I walked it sometimes from where I used to hang out. And we were all pretty cool. At that time, I grew up in that era with punk music in the city. I had my friend who was gay, so he would always tell me about CBGBs and all that stuff like that. And I knew about Rocky Horror Pictureshell. Between you and me,

It wasn't for me. I ain't into that shit. So I paid my four bucks forever the midnight movie was. But out of the four of us, there was one dude who I knew it wasn't going to work out for him

if he wanted that. His name was Roger Holloway. Roger didn't play nothing like that. He didn't talk to people with long hair. He didn't like tattoos. He didn't like greasy hair. He didn't like marijuana.

He fucking hated people who smoked marijuana. Every time I sparked up in front of me, He would lose his fucking mind. So we walk into this movie theater. And I look at him and he goes, I gotta go pee. And all of a sudden I sit down, I get my popcorn, I get my soda. I walk through the middle of the movie theater, I sit down. And next thing you fucking know, like, I forget all about him.

And next day I'm out here, fuck you. No, fuck you, you bunch of fucking pussies. Come on here, I knock you up. He's yelling, he's yelling all those. Like, uh, I'll just. drop you like cancer, you fuck, and he's saying all that shit. I go, that's Roger. I turn around, and he's got like three of those Rocky Horror picture shows

guys outside. He's going to box something. I go, what's the problem? What's the problem? Because these blocking guys, I walked into the wrong theater. He went back into that theater, and he wasn't prepared for that. He wasn't into that by no means. The rest of us, like I said, if we walked in there, we'd be high. I'd just walk in there sit and giggle. But this guy was too much for him.

He got to a boxing mess. I turn around there's fucking Roger. I'm telling the guy, fuck you. Get the fuck back in there before I'll drop you like cancer. I thought a movie goes he stoned. Oh, my God. People are jumping up and down. I don't like it.

No, no, it's too much, Uncle Joe. It was too. I'm telling you, man, when I was 21, 20, I had an older girlfriend in Snowman's Village. She lived in Besot, I lived in Snowman's. She was 27 or 29. She worked on a wine show. I don't fucking know this girl.

Next thing, always started having sex. She introduced me to Bree cheese and wine. She used to show of a Breed cheese crackers and wine. I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? This mold. That's why we broke up. Did you like Bree Cheese?

No, I love Breachies. I'm very thankful that she turned me on to Bree Cheese. She was from Milwaukee. She was an Italian girl. But she wanted me to meet her at the Rocky Hour picture show. And I was like, I ain't got time for fucking fun at games. I'm going to go see Trade and Play. with my guerrilla buddies.

So I went to see trading places with motherfucking the legend Eddie Murphy at that time. We never talked again. That's a much better choice. Never spoke again after that. How weird is that? How did you guys break up then?

We just never spoke again. That shit happens. Nowadays, these kids, they like see each other on like on social media after they break up. And they dump each other on a text and shit like that. And then you like look up who the new girlfriend or new boyfriend.

Fuck, that. No, no, no. It's better to just leave each other and never look up each other ever again. I was in love with a girl one time, dog. I was in love with her guys. I mean, it was fucking real. I was in love with her and shit. And shit crack-a-lact.

35 years ago, we crack a lact. I just graduated. I just didn't graduate. I quit high school. But it was that summer when I was supposed to graduate. We were in love. And then for a month we kind of argued that I robbed a fucking jewelry. We still had to leave town

and the love was over, you know what I'm saying? She saw me for what I was. It's so fucking weird, man. And what's the point here? What are we talking about? Being in love, shit happens to you. Yeah, shit happens, brother. When you, like, have, like, these blinders on.

Isn't it love so blinding? It really is. Like, we just... Dog, I left, and we never spoke again about any. anything. Back seven months later, she was dating a dear friend of mine. I never said boo. And one night I went to a dear friend of mine's house to hang out. It just happened. He was a Coke dealer. And she was there. And that's the first time I saw since our little rendezvous and a couple arguments. I'm like, what's up? Nothing good to see you, good to see you.

And we basically spoke one time after that. and she asked me never to call her again in 1985 and we never spoke again and that's what your life is made of sometimes what would have happened if you called her what would her reaction happen if i called her again you know she's like don't never call me again but then what if a year later you called her what do you think she was in love there was no reason to call her she was already in love with a different dude not even a friend of mine She met a different dude, and he had her on the straight and narrow. She wasn't out drinking no more or party in. And that was it.

Nobody ever saw her again. And she's not even on Facebook. Our friends are on Facebook. And when they hang out, I see the pictures of her. Nothing. It's like nothing ever happened. But that's part of your life. You know what I'm saying?

Like you're going to meet a thousand people. Some you're going to keep in touch with. Some you didn't jizz with in the first place. and some, you know, you're not gonna, bro, there's people I still look for on a constant level. A dude named Keith Corn that I used to call Cato. From 83 to 87, I was tight with Cato. He was my weak connection in fucking Aspen, Snowmazz, Bissault. He lived down valley.

When I fucking split, he took my safe. I was tight with Cato, Doug. That was my dog. There's thousands of people. That's some nights in the middle of night. I just remember the name. And I'll get up and Google their name, nothing. I'll Google where they last lived.

They think about it, nothing. There's ways to Google to find people. I'm just not a pro. I'm not a private investigator. There's ways that you get right to it. You know what I'm saying? I Google people from my grade school, too. Oh, yeah?

It can't be found. The worst one for me, just talking about X's and stuff like that, I hate when they block you on social media. That drives me bananas. They block you? Yeah, when you break up after you break up. Let me ask you a question. Oh, I don't block nobody like that.

If you broke up with you, is there any reason to talk to you? No, but don't, the blocking is, it's just, I don't even, I'm not going to talk to you. Why waste a number? Get the fuck out of it. We're not in love no more. What do you want to talk about? No, we're not going to talk. Movie, what are you talking about?

Facebook. What are we talking about? No. Take a high cucksucker. We don't love it. That's the one. I understand. heartbreak. But let me tell you something. I took such a heartbreak in the seventh grade that I got

lit back for it. The heartbreak was painful. Dung. Painful as to cool. In the seventh grade, I was in love with a chick. I'd run in front of a fucking bus fire in the seventh grade. What, did you guys go out? We did a lot of things. That's the cool. Everything but sex. We would dry hump, shit like that. Listen to music. Never did. drugs, fell in love, she told me we're going to have sex, and she said she wanted to wait, and that put me into a tailspan, I couldn't even focus. Just dry-humping her would make my heart beat, you know what I'm saying? Like, just the whole mystery of what happened at that age, really till this day, it was just weird at that age. I hope, I hold no ill will to her.

It's weird. Well, how old are you the first time you got your heart broken? Um, probably 20, 20, 21. Why did you break you out? I was old. I was old already. You were, you were only in seventh grade. What's a fucking difference? Because, like, I just, I never, I had never gone out with anybody in grade school or high school.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. Like, I never, I never lost my virginity. I went to my freshman year of college, a full virgin, the whole fucking year. And then my sophomore year, I think. got a boyfriend. And we went out and I, we would like write each other fucking letters.

Did you write letters? Yes. Yeah. We would write letters. And we would like, I would like read his letter and he would read my letter and I would just like cry with him, you know? Like my first few boyfriends, I just cried like the whole relationship. You know?

Like it was like there. I hadn't been to therapy yet. So the whole relationship, I'm just crying. You know? You ever have a girlfriend that just doesn't stop crying? Why are you crying? What the fuck are you crying about? Just crying.

I had to, like, I couldn't cry when I was a kid. Like, you know, you said you're mystified by Asian cultures. And, like, Asians, I mean, Koreans, like, they don't really let you cry. It's a very machismo culture. So if you cry, like, you're a little bitch. and you can't even like cry in front of your family so you would have all this built up anger or you know sadness that you couldn't express in front of your brother or sister

your mom or dad and so I would be in my room crying by myself you know like with the door closed like you can't you can't cry in public. It's crazy my daughter's going through that phase right now where she has a nervous breakdown and it drives me fucking crazy Like I can't

fucking deal with it And I keep my cool You know me I'm a fucking gentleman I talk to her But deep down inside It drives me crazy So something happened

At the pool last week She got in her nose And she got scared I don't fucking know So my wife signs Are up for swimming classes We go on Tuesday We get there

And she breaks into a fit She don't want to go fucking swim Then she's scared of the water You know and she was crying and shit and I just listened and I held her and I just said listen

why don't we just sit on here and put your feet in the water if you don't want to go in you don't have to go in but if you want to go in you jump in with the rest of the kids and the instructor and I went and sat with my wife

and some friends and it was crazy because I gotta be honest your wife she was sitting there it was breaking my fucking heart I'm like I got a fucking kid who's scared of the goddamn water what the fuck

that I do. And five minutes later, she jumped in head first. So all that shit was for nothing. You know what I'm saying? But it's still like tonight. I mean, how many more times is that going to happen? I mean, like tonight. I was sitting there on the computer. She came in. She goes, Daddy, can I watch your computer? I go, sure. I go to YouTube. I ask her. I tell her to spell it out. She writes it in. After 20 minutes, I could sit down. I go, let me take a hike. I'll leave you here by yourself. But I know the condition. I know exactly how I leave the notebooks. I got to hide everything.

I got to hide the weeds, everything when she's around. But I know she's going to snoop. It's in her nature. It's in her gene. It's who I am. So two minutes later, I sit down for two minutes. I hear, ba-ba-la-pap. And I don't say a fucking word.

My wife's sitting there rubbing her toes. What the fuck she's doing? Not me. I know the noise of death. I know a noise of fucking snooping. And I look at it, and she's busted out crying, Daddy. I moved and your picture fell down. The picture she drew from me

and fucking three ghosts or some shit that I got on my wall. I go, what happened? And she goes, I'm so sorry. And she got up and hugged me. I go, why the hell are you crying? I don't know. Yeah, why are you crying?

What the fuck are you crying about? You didn't do nothing. It's an accident, right? Yeah, okay. Give me a hug. Give me a kiss, go sit down and stop crying. Okay. It drives me crazy when she cries

and she doesn't know why she's crying. She's my little four. and it drives me crazy. I work it out with her, but it's every fucking day. Three times a day I gotta talk to about this shit. If Lisa, if Joey Diaz was your dad,

would you cry? Joy Diaz is like my second dad. I don't look at her and go, stop fucking crying. I would never do that. Oh, that's all I was told. I asked her. Why are you crying?

Tell me what the problem is. You reason with her like she's an adult. Slow down. You talk to her like that? Yeah, that's how you're supposed to talk to kids. I didn't even talk to. Yeah. What's going on?

Let me give me a hug. What are you feeling? Express your words. Fuck that shit. She's a year away from being like a medium kid. She's got to understand these things. So what's the problem? Slow down.

A toddler? No, she's four and a half. You know a fucking toddler? She hasn't crawled in three fucking years. She's running all fucking day long. When she gets home, she's got some. Is she your cardio? What do you mean my cardio?

She's my everything. You run after her. She's my everything. It's all fucking day. She goes to school. but in the mornings I got a for an hour and a half in the morning you know I dress her I sit it down I give her vitamin I get her chocolate milk

my wife you know does the brushing the teeth we brush her hair at 5 o'clock let me tell you I'm gonna be honest to you guys I had to talk to the other dang I listen from now when you can move from school you got jumping a fucking shower dog you're on fire you're kicking because it's sweat on top of fucking sweat on top of sweat

So when you bring them to school at 9, they stay outside and sweat for an hour. Then they go inside and they sit in the fucking air conditioner. She's got curly fucking thick hair. So that sweat sits in the scalp. Then after lunch, they run around again. And they go back in and she's sweating. Her cheeks are red. And the fucking hair, the sweat pukes in the hair.

Then she lays down for two hours. And they talk about God. They talk about animals. What the fuck they talk about? Then about 3.30, they kick them out there like savages again. And they're sweating until my wife and me pick her up at 5 fucking 30. You understand me? And by that time when we pick her up, there's been four different coats of sweat on her that have dried and sweat.

When she gets in the car and gives me a kiss, I smell it. And she smells like fucking dead salt. Do you understand me? Then I take her home and she sits with me. And when I hug it, one day I came here and I smelled this shirt and I go, why do I smell so bad? Dead salt. was because when I was sitting next to the computer, I'd just taken a shower, and the head was over here.

Her head, I got shot. She stinks like she fucking, it's terrible. Every day, but she's a kid. She runs around. They're filthy. They're fucking filthy. I love her to death. She got a little kick to her when she comes home from school.

That's all I'm trying to say, yeah? Do you have one of those things where it's like a mop onesie, and so she cleans the floor while she's running around? Not really. I'm not into communist activity. Let me give some shoutouts here. Listen, man, the worst thing ever is when I'm on the road and people get me stuff and it gets juggled. Sometimes people get me stuff and it gets fucking juggled. And when I was in St. Louis, this dude Dan came up to me like the first or second night, gave me a little container. and it had a number in there. I took the number out

and I took the note out and I put the note in my fucking wallet and I forgot all about that I had that motherfucker hidden in there. And the other day, I thought I misplaced an ATM card and I went looking at the wallet and I read this note from this guy

and I kind of got sad because he said he was in bad shape and he wanted to sit with me for an hour and blah blah blah and I found I left St. Louis the second week of July I just found the fucking thing last week. So Dan, if you're listening, you know, I love you and I'll be in touch of you.

Minutes with Mark, Marco, I love you, Joe Cunningham, Kick and Wing, Mick Silico, Eric Rendon, Jimmy James, Moore Gilpin, and Ryan, Mark Gilpin, and

Ryan McCauley. You know, I love you, motherfuckers. I'm very sorry about the Borgata. It's sold out. But I'll be back, Bitches fucking Gotham, November 2nd week, go to gotham.com, New York City, whatever the fuck it is for details. You guys got a lot of time. Sorry about that. I really didn't think that tickets would go that fast, so thank you for the love and to support you people, fucking aces.

Are you going to play anything in Atlantic City? I have no fucking ideally. I don't even know what they have available, my little brother. He's what I'm saying? I'm going to be in and out of there. Did you ever go as a kid? You always talk about people going. I went to Atlantic City to be strictly honest, or you may be three times.

And I think one time I played slots and I ate crab legs. One time I went down there to see a concert, maybe. I don't fucking know. I've been to Atlantic City three times. I know nothing about, I could lie to you. I know that there's a famous sandwich place in Philly or a famous hamburger place. if I got time I go over and see what the fuck they're talking about but besides that I don't know that about Atlantic City

I got kicked out of a pool party for having a hat in Atlantic City Why? Do they want you get like a dress code like no hats Where were you? No flip no flip-flops At Harris Okay and did you have like a baseball hat on Yeah Like you thought you like fucking rapagie

That's the problem You don't think girls are good in baseball hats I think girls are really good It's a style that. I don't know. Have you seen that fucking chick that's driving with her sister in the back of the car? The sister dies.

I don't like watching that stuff. I can't. Have you seen the video? It's been going around. They're prosecuting her. Did you see it? Yeah, I saw it. She's in the car acting like Johnny.

I never understood that behavior. I never understood that behavior unless you're an actual rapper that's making millions of fucking dollars. Then you can do all this fucking shit with hats on backwards. Besides that, I don't want to fucking see it. You got to see when you fly from anywhere to L.A.

When you fly from anywhere, like when you fly somewhere, let's say you spend a weekend in Orlando, Florida. You fly from L.A.X. to Orlando, Florida. You land, you get off the plane, you go do your thing for three days. When you get back to Orlando on Sunday to fly back, look at the people. As you approach the terminal of the people whether your flight is

to go into L.A. Look around at the people how they change from the rest of the people in the airport. All of a sudden you see more women with yoga pants on more women with hot pants

and heels walking on at six in the morning. What is all this drama? Some do with a fucking guitar. Don't do that come on a plane with a guitar. You drive me fucking crazy. They come on with the fucking guitar.

And a skateboard? You drive me, you drive me fucking. crazy. You drive me fucking crazy with those fucking guitars. Like, really? Pack that shit and fucking luggage. What is that guitar going to do? Like, all that shit drives me

crazy. But those are the people. Once you start seeing service dogs, you know, you know you're taking a flight back to Los Angeles. It's really sad. I don't even know my fucking point is I'm high as fuck, Jack.

It's funny when, though, I always make a joke, because you used to live in Florida. Yeah. I always make a joke when I went to visit my dad because all the fights to Fort Lauderdale, like, you know, like, they have, like, most lights have, like, one or two people with a wheelchair. That flight has, like, 30 people with wheelchairs up front. And I made a joke to the stewardesses that it's old, all Jewish people have it, have tuna sandwiches in every single row. Like, it's funny, like, for those areas, so I'm sure it happens everywhere.

like for L.A. Like I'm sure it's weird going. But on the way back, it's people who are just completely fake. Right. Completely different. You see good-looking dudes that didn't take a shower with a hair is extra fucked up to let you know they don't care. You know, you get women dressed in the nines. You get black dudes that look like they're on the cover of Jet Magazine.

And you know what? At the end of the day, they're all sitting in row 32A. So all that fucking costume to sit in the back of the fucking play. I could see if you were flying first class and you think you fucking Johnny Duwop. And you got the fucking Johnny Moulinian hat and you sit down with your fucking Chinese girlfriend with the lake hat on and shit. I understand if you're going to sit in fucking first class. Not that I fly first class. I'm just saying.

But for that fucking get up, if you're not flying in first class, why do you have that costume? why the fuck do you have that outfit on to do what just put jeans on and sneakers and a fucking t-shirt and be yourself that's what drives me fucking crazy so i'm not saying i don't like you with a hat on it i think fucking uh you still got i just like to accessorize i know you're bad i'm not trying to be one of those people with the hats on hanging out with the people with the guitars on the airplanes yeah a fucking guitar on an airplane like yeah you're the rush you need to play sometimes you know never know. What's that? Well, they actually have had like stories of like United or whatever breaking really expensive guitars. They did it on purpose.

If I was down, I'd break those guitar too. Why do you hit that? One by one, I'd be breaking those guitars. We find so many things that you hate. I either cut the strings with the fucking thing. But you know what? I'm lying to you because if you check it, I'm cool with you. Some people that bring the fucking thing on the plane, like they're going to bust out and

song. Like somebody on the plane is going to go, we didn't know you have a guitar. Can you sing us a song? Like somebody's going to have a panic attack on the plane. Like, hey, is there anybody who could sing a song to soothe this woman? What the fuck are we talking about? Who's about to vomit. What is this conversation about?

And lose consciousness. I have to start this shit. So are you moving out of Miami full time? That's it. You're going to be out here a new fucking starling. You're going to give Lucy Lou a run for a woman? I was Lucy Lou stand in. When?

When she started her show Elementary. In Miami? In New York. In New York. Was she sweet to you? She was cool. She was, like, really nice. Like, she talked to everybody on set, you know?

Like, one guy got, like, a black guy for something. And he came to work on Monday, and she was, like, she was like, what happened to you? You know, she was concerned about him. She was nice. You told her you're going to be a bad bitch and knock her off her number one spot. When you got through with her, they were going to take her poster down at a house. Yeah, we had that staring contest. Did you really?

She know you're the baddest bitch out there right now. Sounds like you're promoting a UFC fight. These motherfuckers don't know. You know what I'm saying? Lucy Lou is a bad motherfucker. You couldn't pay me to go to a UFC fight. I don't want you to go to a UFC fight. I don't give a fuck of you one or not.

You know Uncle Joey. Who wants to take it to a USC fight? Do you not like that stuff at all? I just don't like fighting. Then don't go. Yeah. Don't watch it. Even if it's like set up and they're getting paid for it,

it's still violent and, you know, it's startling. I understand. He don't like to see people get punched in the head. Yeah. You just said earlier that you like seeing street fights and a guy beat up his chick

and choked her out with a fucking shirt off. No, he wasn't being violent. They were just drunk and high and fucked up. And they were just screaming, just running through the street. I was like, yo, man,

you're lucky you didn't just get hit by a car. So the UFC, it's not that you don't like the UFC, rephrases. It's that the violence. And they punch each of, other, it just hits your stomach a different way. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I know a lot of people that feel that way. They don't like those punches to the head. You know, when you grow up with violence in your

home, it's like, it's traumatizing for you. So it's not, it's not entertaining for me to watch that. Did they beat you at the church? Yeah. You know, but not at the church. Just like in my house. Who hit you both of them? Um, my brother. Your brother used to clock in the head. Yeah. Are you tight with them today? What do you think? No. No. Did you forgive him or no? No. I found a therapist who told me that I don't have to forgive him.

Oh, that's a good one. So you pay a dude to say, what do you think? Yeah. So I forgive him, no, yay, what do you think? And then you just keep paying people until you find that person who tells you, you know. You're going to charge me a week, 240. I'll give you a 10 package. You don't have to forgive them.

Is it how much they charge? Because I've been thinking about doing it, but I just. Are you still going to therapist now? I see her when I need a tune-up. Do you, are you happier? Yeah. Are you on medication? No.

You're straight up, geez. This star, the star medication. Okay, good. Yeah. Are you happy with, how long have you been in therapy as a total? Probably like two years. Okay, and it's worked for you. It makes you feel better.

Yeah. Yeah, I think it's helped. Is it effective for your stand-up? Yeah. To clear your mind a little bit. Do you meditate? Do you also go to yoga? I go to yoga.

I meditate. Okay. Yeah. So you clean your mind a little bit. Why don't you take the medication to stop hearing the voices? What medication? The one that you told me you would take them there because you were hearing voices from Vietnam and... No. I just take these stars with you.

Okay. Yeah. I'm happy then. That's good that this... You know, man. Like marijuana. Marijuana is the best medication because it just calms you down. I mean, who the fuck am I?

You know, when I got locked up, dad therapist in there, I used them as an hour of entertainment for myself. I really did. It's really embarrassing, like, I didn't use them. Do you do the kind where, like, you talk, like, actually, like, tell stories? No, it was like a men's group that you went on Wednesday night, a group, and you're talking a group group, and some people spoke about their beeps on the prison.

Some people spoke about their expectations when they got out of prison and shit like that, you know. And I went to a couple of those. I don't know. I felt like I was giving them 50% of what I was supposed to give him. And then when I got out of prison at the halfway house, they had to do, you had in-house therapy, and you also had to pay for one session a month. And the guy's name was Howie Schweber. And he was cool as fuck.

And to make things even better, I was. tight with his brother. So his brother worked with me on the sly, and I would go see this brother. You always find the Jews. Yeah, I loved them. And at first, it was weird, because at first I used them as a hand job,

because the state wanted me to do it. So I just fed them shit. You know what I'm saying? I came up positive one time for cocaine. And they were going to put me in jail, or I got a scratch on that stick. I don't want to embarrass you. I got a little nut that's itchy over here

You know what I'm saying? Every once I want Did you just shave them? No, it's been years since I shamed them Why would I fucking shave them? That sounds that's scary Now why are they itchy Because every once in a while

You put a pair of jeans on You're leaving a rush You know what I'm saying I washed them like four times today I went to Jiu-Jitsu I washed them You have to always take a lot of showers You took about four showers?

I think about four showers You're the reason we're in a drought I think a shower this morning morning. Then when I got back from Jiu-Jitza, I took a shower. And I went to pick up Mercy and we ran around. The shirt just stunk. Mercy, mercy, mercy, mercy, me.

I don't know if it was body old. I had a shirt that something happened to it. You were to pick up a shirt you put it on and while you're in the car, you're like, something right. A good fart or something? Like something happened to that. It's like I went into a restaurant. You ever get like farts trapped in your blanket? All the time. When you lift it up, you smell the fart.

Even if you didn't fart for the past day. That's terrible. That's the girl. You're like a girl that wouldn't fart. You're like a nice, sweet girl. I love farting. Girls fart, dude.

You got to get over it. I love farting. Yeah. It's 2017. You don't believe that girls fart. I believe. What's the budget for this weekend? How much is the gambling budget?

I'm not sure. I have, we'll see how I do the first night. I think I just want to make one bet on, the UFC. And then I'm deciding, and I know your thoughts already, but I'm deciding if I want to make a small Mayweather McGregor band, just to see. But we'll see.

Why don't you just deal with the bet in front of you? Don't worry about McGregor. Wayweather. Something might happen, then you can bet that online. Worry about the moving front of you. Look at the undercards. Look at the middle card. Look at where the money is on the fucking card. But most importantly, look at

the way. Make sure at 3.30, I don't give a fuck what Paul that says. to a fucking library. What day? It's probably going to be Friday. Oh, I didn't even know that. Oh, we could go.

No, it's in Anaheim. You can't go. Oh, yeah, you're right. Damn it. It's fucking sold out. It's sold out. So just make sure Friday at 3.30, you tell Paula, take a fucking hike.

And you go to the sports book and watch the way in. Okay. And watch the way in the top five guys. Paula, are you dating a Polish girl? No, her name is Paula. And see what? how they looked at the thing, and you'll see one hole. I think I saw something already.

Don't worry about the two fights. Don't ever worry about the two main card fights. Well, that's where I'm bad. It doesn't matter what you want to bet. You're a Jew. You're in it to make money. Be a better Jew, Lee. No, no, no, no, no.

You don't know nothing, Lee. You're born to death. You know that's true. You've been giving those casinos money. What do you think you don't go back to set up? Yeah, now's the time to get your money back. It took you for your lungs. It's not because you lost there.

Johnny Durante, listen to me. Look at me. Listen to me. Make a smart bet. Make one move and get the fuck out of that. You never look at the... It's like a Monday night football game. If you bet a Monday night football game, you're a sucker.

That 6 o'clock America game, you're a sucker. Those are people who are desperate because they lost all weekend at football. If you bet that NBC game, that game, the fix is already fucking in before you play. And guess what? It's going to be against you as you. usual. You're not going to bail on the parlay. You're just going to sink in the eternal flames of hell. And you've got one savior Monday night. And guess what Monday night's about? Putting a blowtorch in your balls and killing you for six fucking months. How do I know this again? The reason why I

don't buy a BMW is because I sold cars. The reason why I don't gamble is because I worked for a sports betting service. And I learned one thing. You make the same amount of money, Bet in Mayweather against McGregor as Orburn State against New Mexico State. Really doesn't matter. You just want it better to tell your friends how fucking cool you are. If you're looking to make money, you're looking to make money. That's true, but... There's no butt, Leah.

You're BTL. Just get the tattoo on your fucking shoulder. What's that mean? Born to loose. You're not going to beat the books. God damn. If you hit the books four times a year and you go three and one, You have a 50% chance of being right.

You get two net winners. So if you put a $3,000, if you put a $2,000 bet four times a year and you go three and one, that means you win $4,000 for the fucking year. Right. Because people have to work all year for that. You know why? Because you're betting smart. You're not betting to be nobody's fucking cheerily.

But I'm also not betting that high of a amount. It doesn't really matter. Then why even make the move to waste your time? Well, no. What are you talking about? To bet 25 bucks and why make the move? If you're going to make a move and gamble, make the fucking move, guy. When I used to gamble, why do I think I robbed gas stations?

Why do I think I robbed fucking jewelry stores? Why do you think I did all those horrible things over the years? Because I bet when you're going to go, go. If you're going to go, go. I had the same problem you had. I couldn't pick a winner. But guess what? Over the years, I've learned how to gamble.

Right. That's what. I always leave with three. or $4.00. And for Diaz, I made money. A couple of fights last time made money and nobody knew. And you make a good point. I'll definitely look at the undercard, but you see, I can't at all bet on the upper. Doesn't really matter what or who you want to do. You're in business to do one thing when you gamble, and that business has made money. That's true. All your little faggotries of my favorite, or he's from Boston, it all goes out the window in gambling, especially for sports.

that's why they tell you you never been against your home team never been against them that's rule number one because you're always going to lose especially no the city where you live in you can bet no england just don't bet the rams but it's hard for me i like i don't know if i could ever bet against the red so that's the issue so that i'll stay away from that game exactly it's probably another game like just because you're a fucking red socks fan doesn't mean you have to bet them yeah exactly i would do that there's 26 baseball games You never bet. What did we just fucking say?

Your home team. Because you bet emotionally. You're in this business to make money. That's why I wasn't getting gambling. But as I got old, I knew how to make moves. Right. You learned how to go. It doesn't, there's 17 weeks in the football season, right?

Yes. If you could win three times for 2,000 a fucking time, which you could do. Instead of, let me play a three-team pole. For two teams, for $3 a P. You ain't going to win a dick. Right. And if you win, they're going to get you later on.

You want to bet smart in and out. There are upsets, yeah. It's when you get an urge. You always look at next week. Like when you bet it, like right now, tomorrow, I want to bet football. Okay. I look at that's the cool this week. I look at the games, but I also look at next week where they're going to be.

And you always got to ask yourself, can they lose two in a row? Or will they overlook these people? Who was the Super Bowl last year? New England. Okay. So everybody's going to be watching. in New England from week one. That's the heavy NFL game.

You either hate Brady. You don't want to hate Brady or bet against the Brady, right? So what do you do? You stay away from Brady and New England. And those are the games that you'll make money on. You'll make money on. Let's look at the fucking card for the UFC. Okay.

Let's see if there's anything that just stands out. What's the story done? I'm high as a guy. I like those shorts tonight. Those are the best shorts you've worn in the shirt. Why'd you cover up her back? Let me check them out and shit. These are the only shorts that I've worn on your show.

I know. Those are the best ones of your shit. Yeah. Why did you cut the back on? Why do you have a little skirt covering the back? You got a hole in your muffler. No, that's how these shorts come. They come with a little shorts in the back?

Yeah. A little sweatshirt. With like strings. That really nice. You know? I hear I was thinking that you were trying to be fucking stylish. You just came from a sound garden concert. Rest in peace.

All right. he's going to try to be a genius and bet what? They're all going to try to bet fucking John Cormier Jones. Okay. Now who else? You got Lola Serone and you got Woodley Maya. Woodley Maya.

And you got Cyborg Evanger. Which that just, I don't know what could happen. That one scares me and I don't really know. But you're not going to make money if you bet Cyborg. Right. What's a what's the FX card?

See, the one I'm like. on the FX card is the feeling one only because and this is I've become a big fan of your Riah Faber on Instagram and his team has gone on like an incredible run his team

and he's part of that team Alpha male Who's he fighting? See it's someone Qatar he has a he has and I actually looked at this earlier he's had a decent amount of fights

but I don't think he's been in the UFC before oh that's not good one I have a picture so I think I think that's why was Calvin Qatar Photoshine? Because I don't think he's been on the UFC before. Maybe I have a picture Oh, this is his first time? Right.

Probably. Oh, that's exciting. Everybody is like Googling him to see what he looks like. Let's Google him. Like right there, nothing really comes out that I want to bet on this card. Really? Like nothing. I can't see the Lola Soroni fight. That could go Yeah, that's scary. Isn't Lola

coming off a knockout? They're, okay, they're both coming off of losses. Right, they're both coming off of losses. Yeah, this is a weird fight. Then you have... The Maniwa guy is supposed to be pretty good. I've seen one of the fights. And who's he fighting?

Osdemeer? Pick the picture there. Vulcan? I think I've seen him fight before. Switzerland, 230. I don't know these people. What number is he? What number is he?

He is number five. And Jimmy Monowah? Manua. You know, I forget. This may be the guy with the arm. I don't fucking know. Yeah, nothing jumps out on me. Damien, Maya, Willie, that could go either way.

Really? That could go either way, man. Even though how on the tear that, no disrespect to Woody, but the tear that my eyes better on anything? Wyatt, Willie can knock him the fuck the hell. That's also very true. And I've heard Willie's a really great wrestler. I've heard he's a great wrestler.

You know, click on there. You call that. You know, really, guys, I don't know stats and stuff like that. Don't be angry with me. I don't know what his pedigree is. I'm very, very sorry. He has a better take down defendant than minus. I think he was a wrestling college or something.

So he's the champ. He's not. Yeah, guys, nothing screams out of me. Maybe I'll feel different on Saturday. Just don't bet to Bentley. Always remember that. Don't bet because you feel like you got a gun to your head. Right.

You don't feel strong about anything here. John Jones called me here. And go either way. I don't know. I have a really strong feeling that Cormier is going to win. I don't know. And Jones is a monster and amazing. But everything that I keep watching this week, all the interviews,

I just like what Cormier is saying. I just like the work he's putting in. I like that he's honest about the, I listen to the podcast with him, Matt Sarah and Jim Norton, the UFC one, and he was very honest about what he thought his shortcomings were. And that's the one thing I don't really hear from John Jones. He's just a little bit, like, just to be very honest, it just seems like if you look at other stories happening,

I could just see this playing out with him losing. Just all the trash he's talking, and it just, I could just see it as a movie playing out like that. I don't think I don't have to bet the fucking thing. I'll be involved with it. I wish you a lot of luck. I'm betting it. I'm betting it.

Hopefully you'll win money and bring me back my Vig from three years ago. Besides that, that's the cool. I'm happy you're on the road. I want people to watch your fucking show because you're a talented woman. You're a fucking savage. You got your nice shorts on tonight. Thank you. Where you had it from here tonight?

You got a spot tonight anywhere? I'm going to... I might stop at Hooters. What's going on at Hoolers? They do comedy that time. They do Wednesday is their show. Have you been there before? Yeah.

Is it cool? It's cool. They get people. Yeah. Who hosts? Stephen. Stephen. Holloman.

Beautiful. Send them my love. Yeah. Thank you for coming back on the show. Thank you for having me. I'm going to be in Sacramento, August 10th. That laughs unlimited. Okay.

Make sure you motherfuckers in the church go down and see S. Takuku and shit and tell them the church sent you. I'm happy you came on. That's the cool. Number one, let me read off my sponsors and I'll get you motherfuckers out of here. I'm happy you're here. The month is over. I guess I'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning.

We'll put this together one way or another. But before anything, listen, like I'm telling you, tushies are back, not tushies, baudies are back. And let's correct that. Portable badays. They're not back. They never be around. They've never been around.

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I could take them on the road and install them and have no problem for the weekend. Very. With a portable bidet. So I think I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going to give the shot from the house. Take it. Anyway, go to hellotushy.com slash church right now and get 10% off delivered to your house. Let me tell you something.

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Ashtakou. I want to thank my main man, Lee Syatt. I want you guys know with the Bogart and sold out. I'm sorry, but I'll see you guys the following week, August 5th at the Ice House, for working out with Uncle Joey on the Saturday for $15. All right. You know, I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great weekend.

Stay black. Be safe.