The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #503 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: August 1, 2017

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio talking about Joey's amazing show at The Borgata and why it was such a special show.  We also discuss the power of a good walk and how depression affects Lee. This podcast is brought to you by:  Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.     Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 07/31/2017.  

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That's how we're working it out here on the church. Hit it, Lee. Get down, get down. Oh shit. Get down. Oh, shit. Black people hitting guns. That's never a good fucking sign right there.

It's the church of what's happened now. Cock suckers, what? What are you thinking? It's the church of what's happening now. Uncle Joey And his favorite motherfucking flying Jew Lee Syatt with all the goods

Here we go Hit it! Come on at you. Come on at you. A fucking tremendous jam. Look up when that year This song came out. Absolutely.

This song, everybody thought this came out in Pulp Fiction in 94-95. This song came out when I was in fucking grammar school. And we were, fucking going down to Kennedy School, dancing to this shit, doing the bump. I don't even know if you. Yeah, released 1973.

Yeah, this is, this came out when I was in fucking grammar school. It just got revitalized again by Pope Fiction, but who gives a fuck? Just a little trivia for you cuck suckers on a Monday morning. That'll help someone sometimes. Yeah. Like, we got a lot of messages from people who use pie every day. I don't know if you saw that. Just from the last podcast, you remember 3.14?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got like a lot of people who are like, I use it every day. What are you talking about? Yeah, I never fucking used it again. Welcome. Hope you had a great weekend. I know Lee was in Viva, Las Vegas with his wife walking around, holding hands, sweating the debt. Oh, I had shorts.

No, it was terrible. Like, I was thinking about it. And I asked some lift drivers, actually. There's people selling those bottles of water on the strip for, like, I thought it was a dollar. I didn't even look at the sign. Some guy said he's seen it for $5 a bottle. Could you imagine how much money they're making? It's $192 out in the street.

Oh, yeah. I was in Atlantic City at the Borgata, and it was sensational from A to Z. If you came to the show, I want to thank you at all my heart, and it was like a fucking homecoming. See, because I'm from North Bergen, New Jersey. But the people who don't want to be in the political game, they move. They move to central New Jersey, but the bulk of them moved to the shore. So when I do shows at Gotham, it's a fucking hike for them. They can't drink.

and when I do shows in central New Jersey at New Brunswick some of them come but now that I went down there 90% of them came because they all go down there on the weekends or they live down there. Oh. I saw people I hadn't seen in 25, 30 years. And how was, like, because I know you've said in the past that sometimes those shows get a little weird when you have,

like you don't like them as much, but it seemed like this went really well. This one went really well, you know, the mentality in New Jersey. is he's the Borgata is the place to be right yeah it's like the best casino down there it's it's been around this 2003 it's an MGM property I played it with Joe for one of the UFC's where Pat Millichich was there and the guy that frank Mia broke his arm was there and Matt Hughes who's in our always and our thoughts and our prayers was there that's the last time I did it I went up there first and Nate asked and I was like I'll never be at the Borgata again It doesn't really matter.

Well, is Atlantic City down the shore? Is that in the same place or is it just close? It's one of the shore destinations. Okay. So it's one of the many short destinations. And you went down there? How many years? I've only been down there three times in my whole life.

No way. Yeah. Okay. Atlantic City opened when I was a child, when I first moved to Jersey. And then the first time I went to Atlantic City was with Rogan for the Borgata. And then I went again with Jimmy Berkel, God rest of his soul. one time to eat crab legs, and I got a call from a Booker

to do a show up in Connecticut. So we had to stop eating crab legs and get in the car. And thank God Jimmy was cool, and he drove me all the way to Connecticut for this gig. And then this week was the third time I've ever been in that. Wow. I would have thought you would have been down there a lot. No, when I was in, I only stayed until 83, 85,

and the crew I hang out with wasn't really, they weren't in Atlantic City guys. There was a lot of guys that were Atlantic City guys. They liked it down there. I just, at that time, I didn't have money to gamble. Right, yeah. My money was for one thing and one thing only. So I'm happy.

But it was funny because my anxiety was really high the day of. I was starting to lose it throughout the day at certain points, you know. It wasn't the bombing. It was that I had heard that certain people coming. I was kind of in shock because those people never really spoke to me in high school. And guess what? Those people never really showed up. The people that really showed up and hung out were all the people I had grown up with and known all those years, the runnies, the Ascalises, Devineries,

you know, Gary Richmond, who was a cop for a long time, he retired as a cop, Jerry Aponte, just a bunch of neat guys. Ralph Fuso. Oh, really? Ralph Fuso was there. And this is kind of like a negative way to think. But do you think maybe some of the people who came who you were like kind of surprised or maybe hoping you'd do bad and maybe they left out as soon as you like because this is how good you were doing?

Because some people think like that, I think. Well, I got to tell you, man, listen. You know, I've been writing this book. And the one chapter that turned into something else was the first chapter. Because as I was writing it, it's kind of like I let myself go. You know, and that's what I wanted. I didn't want to write it. anything. For years, I've been trying to write this thing. But I wanted the people at home that

were reading it to not read the words, but to kind of feel while I was going through. Because without that feeling, this book isn't going to work. You know, this book is not going to work at all. This sounds silly, but how do you convey it without words? Like, it seems like words would be the one thing to do it. Well, words would do it. Words would do it. But I got to paint a picture for them. And the picture was that there was a time when I think, I think, and I'm not, you guys know me at home, I'm not the type of person to put the blame off on something else. But there was a time I think that my actions throughout the last two years of me being in North Bergen were because when I left, I never really wanted to come back.

Like it was like deep down inside, it was so much pain when I walked those streets, those same street. It's like going to a fucking gym and getting beat. up at this gym. Every time you're going to see that gym emotionally, it's going to put you somewhere. Do you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. It's like just an automatic reaction. It's like a trigger. And even now when I go back there, I'm there and I'm going through emotions. Okay. But I feel a very low-end discomfort. At times, I think that discomfort's going to grow. I keep myself busy. I only go back there for three days. I cover the spread. I'm always busy. but you know there's a point on my visit to new jersey

then I go to my mom northern New Jersey then I go to my mom's grave and I walk those streets just to take me back there for a minute to make me feel like I felt you know like just to get that feeling again that that

feeling of wanting because at that time yes I had desperation and I had a lot of insecurities but I wanted I wanted a family I wanted success. I wanted to have a job. I wanted to have a car. I wanted to have nice clothes. I wanted to have what my peers had. And I didn't have those things. Absolutely. So that last year, I was just doing things because I knew once I left this time, I was not going to come back. Do you think you knew you were leaving or you were just prepared? Oh, I always knew. I always knew. A month after I got there, I knew I couldn't live this way. But I was already caught up. I was caught up with my friends.

I was caught up in a relationship. So this is after you came back from Colorado for them? Yeah, the first time. Got it. And was it different? Because the first time you left North Bergen was a little, there was an issue. Wasn't there? With your uncle?

Or was a guy on a motorcycle? No, that was the second time. That was the second time. I had built it all up. The first time there was an issue also. Okay. But the issue was also that. Now that I look at it, I was too young inside to understand what was going on inside of me.

Right, absolutely. So I was very young. young, the drugs had covered the emotions under the rug, like you sweep them under the rug. So at that time, I was kind of numb to what was going on. But I just knew I didn't want to be there. Like when I went to Sarasota, when I robbed that jewelry store, when I went to Sarasota for those five weeks, I've always told you that once you realize something, you're done. You know, once I realized I could do 20 push-up.

I'm going to go for 40 push-ups. It's just natural unless you got no heartbeat. Unless you say, okay, I'm done with 20, and I'll do 20 every day. Sometimes you go, you know what, next week I'm going to do 25. It's really weird when you surprise yourself. You don't know your abilities. When you have no idea about your abilities and your abilities shine, Jesus Christ, it's like a light bulb goes off in your head, you know.

So when I landed there, I thought I wanted it. When I was in Aspen the first time, and I was doing great, I was working for an electrician company. I had my little side thievery. I was working out. I was taking classes. For some reason, I thought I missed home. Like, in the back of my head, I thought I missed home. I just, it just flew out.

Like, I was missing something. I feel that way sometimes, and I didn't have the friendships that you had. But it just, you spend, like, the first 20-something years of your life somewhere. it just feels safe, I guess. Well, it just was like a comfort zone. Yeah, absolutely. You know, but once I went to Sarasota and I read the St. Pete Times and I read the newspapers that were there and I would look at the classifieds. I'm like, boy, I could do that.

Like in 1982, I'm looking at this paper going, I could do this for 10.50 now in advance and get my life together. and it's union. I could stay here with Gary. You know, I was in Sarasota, Florida. And at that time, I got to be honest with you. It was like a relief. It was like a strain that had gotten taken off my shoulders. I didn't really have to go to a bar every night anymore.

Even though you were on the run from the police, you felt a relief? Listen, how do you know if a man's guilty? I don't know. After you sentence him and it goes back to the sentence to the cell, he goes to sleep. That's how you know if a man is guilty. sleeps. But you weren't in it

you were hiding like weren't you weren't you I would imagine when I went to Colorado the first time I wasn't hiding no Sarasota Sarasota I was hiding but the cops were looking for me

but not really like they're not going to go to Florida no they didn't have any info I hid from everybody there was maybe three people who had no I was in Florida Jesus all right three maybe four people tops

I didn't tell nobody I would call that In those days, there was no caller ID. I could tell you whatever the fuck you want. There was no Star 69. Where is he calling from? Let's trace the call. Let's trace the call. There was no Tony Soprano shit.

So I could tell you I was whatever the fuck I wanted to tell you. You know, so. But those five or six weeks made me realize, wow, maybe I can live without North Bergen. Maybe I can live without my friends and family. This is a stretch. But I think I could do it. But no, I don't want to do it right now.

Was the first week hard? Did it take a couple weeks to realize that you survived without it? Or did you notice it immediately? I noticed after the first week, probably. But it's just like everything else. That lesson was an introduction to my life. When you really realize you don't need something. You know, when I went to prison, my fear wasn't about getting raped.

My fear wasn't about getting beat up. I had none of those fears. You know what my fear was? Honestly. I have no idea. I was going to lose my mind without the marijuana. Not the cocaine? No.

At the time of my arrest in October of 87, I was a bona fide stoner. I was a bona fide stoner. Stoner was what I did all day. At night, I did the blow. But I loved my marijuana. I fell in love with marijuana like 81. The relationship grew in 83 in Colorado when I realized the strength the marijuana out there.

And then when I went back to New York, they had Thai weed and they had scents. So I was infatuated with good weed at that age. I always went into the city and tried to hunt down the best wheat. If somebody told me that the weed this week was on 181st in the Bronx, up in Jerome Avenue, that's where I was. You know, I had certain people that I knew that they were my caliber smokers. Okay.

And they told me there was another guy that was getting chocolate tie weed in West New York. and it was expensive as fuck, but I was buying that then. I was buying that then. I liked good weed then. So that was my daytime thing in 87. But it also helped me go to sleep at night. Oh, yeah, 100%. That's all it does you?

At that time, weed was still making me go to sleep, even if I did blow. If I did blow and I smoked two good joints or something, I went down. So at that time, the weed was still very strong to me. Is weed one of the harder ones to do in prison? because they could smell it smoking? Like, is that the issue? It's a nightmare to smoke weed in prison. Ah.

Because you have to get toilet paper and you have to put deodorant stick on it. Okay. You have to put a bunch of that and then you have to light that on fire. And then you have to roll up the joint, you know, and smoke it. Remember, in prison, you get weed. It's three joints of mediocre weed for 50 bucks. So for me to give it to you, your wife, old mom, to put money on my books.

And once I received their 50, I give you a matchbook. It's called a matchbook. And that's exactly what it is. You know, those book of matches that slide? Right. Oh, okay, long ones. Thank God.

They fill that up. They fill the little, the tiniest one they could get with weed. I thought you were going to say it was like one of those little foldable ones. And you get three joints, pen joints. You got to fucking go somewhere and smoke it. They're going to smell it. They're going to lock everything down.

Yeah, that's a disaster. So it's too much drama. It's too much. much it's not worth the aggravation when i found out i could get weed by the time i found out it was too late already i was already getting over what i thought would be the issue a really really bad situation right like i smoked weed 20 minutes before court because i knew uh you know just in case jeez and you didn't think they'd look at your eyeballs or anything not but vizina my But when I got sentenced, that was my biggest fear.

That's always your biggest fear. There's a movie that we discussed before, 1981 Thief. And there's a scene where he talks to Tuesday Weld and a diner when he first meets her. And he asks her for a date. He takes her out. And he pretty breaks down who he is as a character. And he tells her a story about him going to prison. That he went to prison and he was doing his work.

really hard, but there was a guard that had it out for him. Okay. And one day the guard tried to do something to him, and he went off on the guard and beat the fuck out of him, and he fucked up the guard so bad that the guard could never move his right arm again or something. And he

goes, the jailers beat the fuck out of me in retaliation for what I did to the guards. And he goes, and I knew once I walked out into that fucking field, that I was a man. And she goes, so what happened? He goes, six months later, I got rehabbed and I went out in the yard. And she goes, what happened? He goes, nothing. And that's the way we think. We always think

something's going to happen. Whenever we're going to quit something. Like, I went, you know, I went to prison and they took that weed away from me for the first time. I was 25 years old, 26 years old, whatever I was at the time that I went to prison. And I thought it was going to I thought first of all I was going to get really bad insomnia. So the first thing I did was make up a story about they told me, the inmates told me what to say. They get like a pseudo sleeping pill. Got it.

Okay. So I took that sleeping pill every day. But after a while it stops working? Yeah, three or four days. It stops working. But by that time, I was already kind of over it. Okay. I was like, it ain't that bad.

Like my throat felt weird. My lungs felt weird. Like good? Like better? Like, no, no. They just felt like they were empty. They hadn't smoked. You know, at that time, I had to be smoking weed steady. It's 88. I had been smoking weed steady for seven years every day, four times a fucking day. Have you heard, and I haven't, so it probably hasn't come out. But now that weeds becoming recreational, are they going to start letting it in prisons, do you think? Or probably not. I don't know fucking lately. I don't even know what they're going to do with the regular law. What do I give a fuck about prisons? I think I'll give you a weed in prison.

I don't know. I think it'd be a good fucking, because you have no moralist stand on. So I couldn't even get an attorney to go in there because there's really no federal statutes. Every state is doing it on their own. Right, yeah. So, no, there's nothing you could do. Oh, okay. Unless you sued the state.

But then the state would bail out as a federal thing, so you never win. So it doesn't matter. I was thinking the state would jack up the prices. But, no, I had a... I seen a lot of those people, brought back some great memories. I got to talk to a good friend of mine about a closer friend of mine and how he was doing

I saw Assemblyman Vanieri He looked great I saw Ascley's he looked great He's an assemblyman now Yeah he's always been an assemblyman He's been an assemblyman for two years I thought he started a lower No he's in charge of Hudson County Park

He's the mayor's right hand man And the word on the street is when the mayor resign He's going to be the next mayor And I hope so I wish him luck He's been at it since he was a child Is it going to make you be the driver? I hope so.

I hope so. But all those little things really, I learned a lot that night. I learned that was still here. I learned that, you know, sometimes you guys think I turned my life around. A lot of my buddies turned their lives around, too, including the assemblymen. There was a guy there, Mike Runny, who took me in when I was a kid. Mike, when I was 30, Mike was going through a fucking gambling thing. Mike went through hundreds of thousands of dollars in gambling,

even though he was beating bookies and telling him the sucker's dick until his wife put a foot down and said, I'm buying a house in fucking Delaware where fun goes to die, because that's the only place they'd be safe. And he showed up to the show and he looks great, and his daughter showed up. I gave him some stars of debt. His three brothers, who are my brothers, showed up, Steve.

They all showed up. Timmy Holloway showed up with his two kids. Did any of the sisters? Did any of the sisters show up? No, no, no. They were going to have a barbecue, but it rained in New Jersey. They were supposed to have really bad weather. So the barbecue got canceled.

Since all the boys came to the show, Joan stayed with the mom, so I didn't get to see. A lot of people I saw, you know, and there was a lot of people I didn't see, but the show was spectacular. I got to be honest with you guys, I was more nervous before I went on stage when I shot my special. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown at one point. When I got to the green room, I'm like, this isn't fucking happening. This is just a dream. What was it about? It's more than the special.

Is it just being in front of those people again? It's being in front of those people again. I don't like talking like this in front of those fucking people. But I told stories about North Bergen in front of them. Some guy hit me up right away on Twitter. I sat next to Bobby Bender. He said, all your stories are real, all this shit. Jesus Christ, thank God.

one guy that's at least on, you know. Can you recognize these people like 30 years? If you, like, seeing them 20, 30 years later, even though they've aged, could he still be like, oh, that's... There was one guy I was looking at, and I couldn't figure it out who the fuck he was. I could not figure it out. I'm like, they're friends, but he kept looking at me smiling. And finally, I figured out who he was, and I went up to him.

And I was friends with him and his brother. And I was dear friends with his cousin. I was dear friends with his family, but I was dear friends with his cousin. So I tapped him on the shoulder at one point in the night and asked him to come outside for a second And I asked him about his cousin And he told me about him And I always felt guilty about the cousin

But he told me not to feel guilty about him That he had picked his own roads in life And the same way I chose mine He goes, you went to prison He goes, everybody has their problems Everybody has their demons, you know So it was pretty interesting All around

Um Was it as, like, did you build it up in your head beforehand? Was it as scary as you thought? You always do. I always do. I build up everything in my fucking head like that. Whether I got to get on the 405, if I got to get on the 101 at 4 o'clock, I paint this horrible picture of this traffic,

and then I'm doing 90 down the fucking 101. I'm like, what the fuck am I talking about? What am I stupid? Same thing when I go to the 405, last Thursday, had to go to acupuncture. On the way back, I even told my wife, as I was pulling up, she was getting out of our car. You know what? It's kind of nice to leave the valley from time to time

and go to down there and come back and get to drive around a little bit and breed some ocean air. Why live up, you know, why live close to the ocean if you can. Never see it ever. Yeah, it's nice. Like the traffic gets annoying,

but lefts it a million times. There's something like driving long enough distances where you get to zone out a little bit. that's where that's where i have my like my best thinking like that's why i like driving you know tonight before i came i watched something again that i uh wanted to watch before i spoke about it because i knew this i knew this because i lived this i knew this because i went through this and i just wanted to see if he had gone through it and that was john jones against Daniel Cornere. It was very interesting because Lee was banging his head off the wall the whole

time. And I kept telling Lee last week, if you guys listened to the podcast, so that's the cool, which we never talk about the UFC on here. You know, that's Joe's bag, and why would I talk? I'm just a fat fuck, but I know different personalities, and I know savagery, and I know violence, and I know a lot of those aspects of life that a lot of people don't know, a lot of people don't see. And I knew one thing going into this fight. that if Jones had his way with this, he's going to try to knock his head off and really, really hurt Cormia.

His mother just died. He's just had a horrible two years. Cormia was relentless at him. Yeah, what they're talking. Cormia really talked at him. And I had a funny feeling. You know, like I've said before, a lot of people are sitting at home right now going on your car going,

Joey, how can you say something like this? There's people who are fighters, there's people who are killers. John Jones, ladies and gentlemen, is a killer. You're like, Joey,

what makes you say these things? Listen, and I'm a big fan of his. I never stopped being a big fan of his because I've known him. I know him, and I've had great conversations on him, and when I found out about the cocaine use

and all that shit, I was a little blown away, but again, it's none of my fucking business. Then, you know, then he said that he snorted all night and beat up Daniel,

call me it. All those, things are hilarious to me because I've been there. Not that I went and beat up Daniel Colmere. Like when I was working for the sports betting service, I would get coked up on a Friday night and going there on a Saturday and break

my own records. Because you're unconscious. You're not really thinking that cocaine tastes your logic away. So what I wouldn't say to you on the phone on a Tuesday? Right. No, I'm just saying on a fucking Sunday. And there's no confidence.

Not that there's no confidence. There's, excuse me. Reluctance? There's more confidence. Okay. And there's less I give a fuck. So I remember going in, I remember going into that sports betting service on a Saturday with two tissues in my nose from my nose leaking.

And I had stopped snorting at four, but I would have to be in there on a seven, on a Saturday and Sunday. And I had it in my mind, ladies and gentlemen, that the nights that I snorted before I went in there, I would sell more. That's how crazy drugs are. Like, it talked me into it. That's it. I'm not going to get high on Wednesday. I would get high on Tuesday. Okay.

And then Friday. Tuesday? Because I always had Wednesday off. I don't have to be anywhere until fucking 2 o'clock on Wednesdays. So even if I snort it till 5, I could sleep to 11, take a shower, have lunch, and make it to my 2 o'clock. And then Saturdays, I would always snort because I knew Saturdays were a big day in football, and I didn't want to be conscience. So I would go in there awake, but I hadn't slept the night before. Do you know what I'm saying?

I mean, I do. I don't think, I'm not saying John did this. Right. I'm not saying any of these things. I mean, he did the Coke the night before he beat him up, or he partied the night before he beat him up, which is fucking crazy. Did he test positive one time before a fight? I believe so.

Yeah, I mean, this is crazy. This is fucking crazy to me. But like they said, all that. crazy is what makes him who he is and that's what most people never understand i go back to the first fucking 10 fucking episodes of the church know the animal you're dealing with know the animal you're dealing with you know when you see people like i know there's a lot of people who fake the funk but there's a lot of people who really live this lifestyle what lifestyle the lifestyle the lifestyle 24-7, I don't give a fuck.

I'm going to train like an animal, but I'm going to snort and get my dick suck like an animal, too. I'm the world champion. Why can't I? But was that his attitude? It seemed like you... Listen, he hit a car. Right, yeah.

Right? He tested positive twice for two different substances. You know, what is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again. Okay. Okay. You know, but all the... this mixes in well with the art, which is hard to say.

You don't think he would, like, have been even more amazing without it? Uh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe his DNA needed a little salt and pepper to wake it up to bring it back from the old tribe. That's a scary thing to say, though. Listen, when I did comedy, okay, let me tell you something.

when I did comedy and I was doing cocaine let's get this out in the open hey I never did it before I went on stage but I'd do it the night before all right and if I had it in my pocket like if I would get to the show and you'd say we got two shows tonight

and as soon as I seen the cook he'd blink at me that means I knew he had it and somewhere in the night I'd take $50 bill and bring it back there to him or $100 and give it to him and he'd give me the Coke and I do the last show and I get the fuck out of that. But take somebody like Rogan, for example. Rogan's a great comedy guy.

He's got a great comedy guy. I had horrible material in those days. My stage presence was really good, but I also had something else going for me that I was spontaneous and crazy on stage. Today, I'm crazy and I'm spontaneous. But guess what, Lee? I have a little bit of control.

you're not right and you've seen me with you for five years you've seen me that yeah and those uh working out shows when i got to bring new material up there i got to figure out how to sell it so i got to get crazy and spontaneous when i listen to the tape later on i either went overboard remember i rather go overboard than give you less right when i give you less you're gonna go he gave me more he's gonna give me more when i go to an audition my principal's always to go or give you a little more because you could always tame me. But you never know how to teach me how to give you more. A lot of people don't know how to give you more when you ask them for more.

So I give them more off the top. So they always look me in the face and go, whoa, push it back just a little bit, Joey. Was the issue, because it seems like you've had that, like, just your personality, was the issue that maybe was just unreliable when you didn't know how to, like, tame it? Like it could work or can fail? It was, I always told you that until 2,000. 2008 or 2009. I was a very,

I don't know how to say this word without signing bad. Sounding bad. I was a very funny comic, but I was very inconsistent. Inconsistent? It's inconsistent was my middle name. And look, I'm telling you people, honest, I got true. Today some kid came up to me. I had to go to

sprint and get a computer. A iPad. Okay. And with my wife, and some kid sitting next to me goes, I just watched El Pajaso. That was 2007. 2006, I was still snorting like a fucking savage. In fact, that night, look at me, look at my appearance. Look what I'm wearing.

I didn't really care about myself. I had no concern. They told me what they were going to pay me. I told them to make sure it was cash. It was the night after Thanksgiving. We shot in a theater in San Bernardino. And let me tell you something, that show didn't even end. And I was in my car going fucking naught.

They kept calling me, where's your hotel room key? I left it there was in my pocket I didn't give a fuck I had $2,000 and I was headed to the drug dealer's house by 11 o'clock I was gonna make the quota you understand me plus I was gonna give them a little bit

of what I owed them so I was very excited but if you look at that I had no self-control it's really weird and I felt it I felt it it's not till I slowed down

and started writing it took me about a year to get my cocaine marbles then it took me another two years and then for a year I went to Irvine Improv once a week and I watched the headliner

and I watched the Greg Haraldos Blesser Soul and the black guy that died. That's hysterical. Oh, Patrice? Patrice. I watched him and I watched Burr and I watched all these guys

for a year and I got to really learn a lot of how to headline and it prepared me for what's going on today. I would have never been prepared if I would have seen Greg Harald doing those guys. So it just goes to show you that I'm, uh, it's I know how cocaine works.

When I watched the fight the other day, those last five punches to his head, those last five punches were everything bad that's happened to John Jones in the last three or four years. I'm not saying that he deserved or didn't deserve it or he was wrong or right. I'm never saying that. What I'm telling you is that those frustration,

five shots that John McCarthy let him lay on him because he thought Daniel Cornia wasn't as bad as shape as he was in because that was just a, nobody really knew Cormia was that fucked up after the kick to the head. I didn't know, I thought that he tripped him and his momentum made him fall down.

His head was spinning. And when he landed, he landed those punches on him. Cormea ain't going to be the way he is for a long time after this. You don't think so? No, no, no, no. Those punches were hard, brother. Those punches were fucking hard at the end.

Those punches were very hard. Those were killer fucking shots to the head. You know, I don't know if you ever saw the fucking John Jones Machita fight. I don't think so. When he choked Machita out and just let him drop on the fence. And he turned around. That showed me who John Jones was. The problem with John Jones was that he came out and he was young and he didn't really know what to say.

And he came out talking about Jesus. And all of a sudden he was acting like a Diablo and people don't know how to handle. That was the part that frustrated me, I think. And they listen to his off tapes and what he would say when they thought he wasn't listening. Right. You know, and they realized that this guy was, this is the real deal, guys. And it's so sad when people don't know what they're, it scares me. You know, I've always, I'm not proud of this.

But I want you to think if you've ever been around somebody who's murdered somebody, if you ever around one of those people, like I know, I know a guy. one time that I was friends with at a car lot and people would go to me you know where that guy is and I go who is he said he stabbed the guy of that up in Boulder up in a saloon up there's a like a German restaurant in Boulder they serve sour brought and all this shit to have a happy hour this guy stabbed the guy the guy that right after that listen I knew before I before somebody told me about this guy I knew this guy was a type of guy that could break your elbow you eyes just by looking at him. Just by looking at his eyes when you spoke to him, he was a little

older now. He had come out of prison. He had gotten married. He had a few kids. He was minding his business. He was a car lot, lot attendant. But this place usually had three lot attendants. He told a guy he just wanted to work by himself and give him the salary. So he was probably making 700 a week as a car lot attendant. He lived modestly. And he sold little drugs on his side. He But I'm not with this guy for about two or three years and what I learned from observing him Like when I would sit there and snor coke with him and shit like that I would think about that This guy took somebody's life

I don't know if you understand they call it murder. Okay, they call him murder and that's such a shallow word Because this guy took somebody's life. What does that mean to you? that he took somebody's life, no, that he shattered six or seven lives. That there's a mother that's hurting, there's a wife that's hurting, there's a kid that's hurting somewhere, there's a grandparent who's hurting, there's a boss that's hurting, there's a barber somewhere that was, you know what I'm saying? Like, you have seven or eight people in your life who you have contact with that you affect. Do you think that, that's probably something they don't think about?

No, they don't think about that. They're just mad or whatever. They don't think about that. They're bad, something in their mind twitches, and it's who they are, Lee. It's who the fuck they are. You can't run away from who the fuck you are or what the fuck you are. Once you find out, you either solve the fucking problem or you end up in fucking jail. You know, I told you, I had a friend about three years ago and told me he was a fucking sexual demon.

Like, we were talking, he said he wanted to talk to me about Zumb. And it just turned into a conversation that it was something I had heard through the, the grapevine, but now he was confessing to me. He was a married guy. He had fallen in love with this other woman. He asked to leave her husband. She wouldn't do it. He was heartbroken, you know, but everywhere he goes, there's a woman involved. People have told me he's a sex addict. You know, when we were sitting there that day, he started saying some shit that made my head want to fucking blow up, but this was the trigger to it. It was something his mother had done when she was divorced.

So he was angry and this is what sparked him. And I asked him, I said, you know, I'm not a professional, but you should maybe go speak with somebody who was a professional. But I always thought about the situation.

We all have some cross the bed. We all have skeletons. We all have something that makes us feel like we're not like everybody else. You know, if there's a real problem, you go talk to somebody.

If you think you could tame it and play like a box for defense like what you know what you'm saying like if you're fucking little kids just go shoot yourself i can't help you you know what i'm saying that type of shit i can't help you but you're a sexual devian if you like hookers if you like cocaine you know what i'm saying like my thing was fucking drugs and it wasn't even the drugs it was my heart beating to get into drugs it was that action it was that last thing i had that i held on to the past i loved it i loved my heart beating that way. I loved having complications. I loved Lee calling my house asking me for the $300 dollars I owed them and I didn't have the money. I loved all that stuff. Did you know,

did you consciously knew you loved it or were you just sabotaging kind of? It was I was just constantly on a sabotage constantly. Constantly. There's people who send me emails all the time and and they try to get out of their way and they can't and they feel terrible about it. But let me tell you something. It took me years to get out of my head. It took me maybe till 15 years ago to get out of my own fucking way because there's always something that you need to add, that there's that immaturity that there's something that you need to do because you're who you are. And trust me, if anybody had it more than me, I fucking applaud you. I had it. When I did the longest yard, I had it. I had a fucking great time, whatever. And one day they started fucking me and I

I started fucking with them. And they didn't like it. And they took me off the poster, and they did a thousand things to me. They put me last in the credits. Oh, producers know how to fuck with you. Right. You know, if you watch that movie, the movie Madonna and Rosie O'Donald, a league of their own when they're the softball team, the girls' baseball team,

Tia Leone's in that movie. Somebody's in that movie. I forget what the girl's name is. She had an argument with the director or something. Watch that movie. She doesn't even have a fucking line in that movie. They cut her up completely. They show it.

It's like she's a fucking extra. Ali, same thing. Paul Rodriguez was an Ali. He had like 15 speaking lines. He did some radio interview and he said that the fucking director was prejudiced or something. Boom. He got to the premiere.

He was a fucking extra. Jesus. They don't fuck around, dog. I didn't complain anything like that. I got into him over a gambling beef. We got over a gambling argument. I called him a kiss of death. He didn't fucking like it.

And that's how it escalates. late. It was that and then they heard about the drug use and you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but the drug use was me. It had nothing to do with them. The drug use was all me. Right. My heart's beating kind of, I wrote this down and I wasn't going to bring it up, but we're kind of talking about it. The two

musicians who killed himself, like they, it's had, it's had me thinking, and I've never gone to talk to anybody. I've had people ask me to, but it's, I don't know, I'm not good, I'm not comfortable opening up to people like that. But I'm pretty like, it's not diagnosed or anything, but I'm pretty sure I've, like, dealt with pretty severe depression, what I would call depression for pretty much my whole life.

And it's just, and it's still, it's, it's, it's never over. Like, that's why that, like, you talking about finding something to fix, like, that's, I've been thinking about, I recently looking for someone to talk to, but it freaks me out a little bit, being that open with someone I don't really know. Now, the depression, what do you feel at times? Even after you've met Paula and after you've... That's the fucked up part. Like, I feel like I've, like, my mom, my parents told stories that I would always look

behind me when I was some, like, if I was on like an amusement park ride, I'd always look at someone else's, at what everyone else was doing, or I'd always look ahead in my own life. I would never be happy in the present. and I think a lot of this stuff I've done out here going maybe from job to job editing. I'm always, I really want to be happy. Like, I look at all these people, and I'm a happy guy, but I'm also, I don't tell people a lot of shit. Like, I just, Paul gets mad at me. I just never felt comfortable, and then I never really felt safe telling people's things.

I don't know. Like, my parents were okay, like, they were fine, but then you don't want to feel like your saddle, so you just beat you're happy. but it's uh like i felt i was thinking about it like my brain just feels tired when i'm really depressed like it's just like it's i'm not sad it's not like i'm sitting home crying but it's just like they the thoughts don't stop it's it's crazy it's it's it's it's non sometimes it's all day every day does the marijuana slow it down or does it feel it's different sometimes it sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's really great. Sometimes I giggle and I have fun.

The issue sometimes is if I, uh, if I'm not doing something, sometimes it'll creep in. Like if I, if I get really stoned, and I'm just kind of zoning out, then it'll creep in and sometimes it can go down a bad path. But it's not terrible. Like,

it's not, it's not to the point where I would stick. Like, I like weed more than it affects my depression, I think. Now, if you have depression, you've fucking completely fooled me. Not that I'm a PhD and dick. I don't know about nothing, but you've completely fooled me. In the beginning, when we first started hanging out, I sensed something, but I sensed more shyness. You weren't comfortable yet in your own skin around me until

I started smoking with you and punching you and calling your fucking Jew and let's do this, and you felt at home for a while. No, I've... In New York, you were tremendous. You were fucking phenomenal in New York, even when we got lost, I got admitted to you. But I, uh, once you had Paula, once you first met Paula, you fell in love and you gained a lot, you both gained a lot of weight together. Yeah. But whenever I saw you, you were very happy. You weren't alone anymore.

I mean, it doesn't take a fucking genius. I'm not the old man from Match.com, but when I see you guys, you two together, you guys are met from one another. Like, I can see it. It doesn't take a genius. I'm happier now that I've been... A couple months ago, you came to me with some discrepancies, and I told you, I said, you don't have a reason to do that.

Just set your boundaries as a man. And there's nothing wrong with ever setting your boundaries as a man. Right. And in fact, they'll doubt you at some part of your relationship if you don't, because they'll go, every woman at work says that that man will not go to a movie with me. and but you had me fooled. If it makes you feel better, I have my bouts. And that's the thing.

Like, when you, we talk, and I've told you some stuff that's happened in my life, but I also don't, I always feel like I'm a burden on people. Like, I never want to tell someone like that. I feel like, and I'd be interested to know if other people who feel like they go through this, I feel like I'm really good at small talk. Because everyone, whenever he says, how are you doing? Good. Like, I feel like, I feel like that sort of, I'm like, I'm a great cashier.

Like, all that, like, I was a great server. Like, small talk, I feel like you can kind of fake your way through it a little bit. It's the long shit that bothers you. Yeah, it makes me, I don't mind long conversations, but it's, uh, it's hard for me to be completely open with people. You know, not only I, but I've had other people approach me and said, hey, can I talk to him for a second? This fucking guy when he met you. We were worried about him. Look at him.

He's smoking dope. He's mingling. He's talking to people. The comics like you. People like you. Whenever I talk to Joe, he asked, how's he doing? Did he fucking pass out yet?

Which, you know, Eddie Bravo asked me about you. You know, people ask me about you. So you're very likable. I think that you're shy and you think that people may not want a beer on you. That's a lie. That's all on your head.

I think we all suffer from that. I just had a spoke to Dean Delray. And he asked me if I knew a certain comic. I don't think the guy likes me. He goes, no, no, no. The guy was telling me that he caught 10 minutes here at the store and he almost puked. But he goes, he's really fucking introverted. He don't like saying nothing to nobody.

I go, you know what? Next time I see him, I'll just give him a hug and throw him the fuck off. Because that's what you have to do with people like that. I felt you were very, uh... Hey, listen, if the tables were turned at that position when we met each other, I would have acted just like you. I would have been very quiet, how to have been scared to maybe interject. Once people started showing up and you started meeting Red Band and Ari, like I could see in your face, you went home like your head was going to explode.

You had listened to all these people on podcasts. And then what you realized were that we were all human beings, we all put our pants on one leg at the time. You realize that. That's the biggest problem that bothers me about America. It destroys me, and it always has destroyed me. you know listen I'm not gonna lie no money when I was 20

when I was 20 let's pretend the guys that we had the opportunities that you guys have right now you guys live in a society Mauricio Alvarado was on here you see the pictures he took a Metallica no I didn't see it Jesus Christ Mauriceio was a bad

motherfucker well he took some pictures of Metallica you got a guy like Mauricio okay can I fucking say this you know You guys in the Midwest, I used to fucking dream of communicate with Ozzy Osbourne. There was zero communication. You could write a letter to his fan club.

You know what that was? That was bullshit. You knew it, and fucking he knew it. That was an intern at the music label. But today, you guys could catch people. You could follow them on Instagram and follow them Twitter. And if you're lucky one day, you could catch your family. you catch your favorite fucking celebrity.

Okay. And I love that we all have somebody that we look up to or inspires us, whether it's a musician and artist, a drummer, a basketball player, a football player. Hey, people inspire people for many fucking different reasons, all right? We have the opportunity today to go up to these people and talk to them. And let me tell you something. If I went up to Julius Serving or Richard Pryor or, you know,

there was a handful of people that if I would have got to meet, I would have broke down in front of them because I wanted them to understand what they meant to me at a dark time. As dumb as this sounds. But now that I do comedy, now people come up to me sometimes and pull me over the show and go, can I talk to you for a second? You don't want to have a little problem with fucking anxiety. And I listened to you, Jesus fucking Christ, thank you. I thought I was the only one who felt that way. No, dog, we all put our pants on one leg out of fucking time.

There's people that think they put, you know, they have two little fucking Indian dudes putting their pants on. No, no, no, no. I don't want to be around those people. That's why, you know, when you first came, I'll never forget that one day it was like Ari and Redband and I can see it in your face. Your cheeks were red.

Oh, yeah. You came along slowly, but once we started smoking weed and we were in New York, clicked right in, man. So you've had me fooled, to be strictly honest with you. Do you feel like you want to speak to somebody? I hope they don't put you on medication. See, that's the thing what I'm kind of looking for. I'm thinking maybe I need it. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's the easy way out in today's society, I think, in my, I've never tried it. Listen, for 20 years, I talked to people who just went and spoke to somebody. Do you think that would help? Like, enough?

I would I Sure The part Look at it Listen When I went to get hypnotized Part of it was hypnosis

And part of it was what I was feeling For me For her to treat me I had to tell her what I felt When I went to Jiu-Jitsu I had to tell her my insecurities When I went to the comedy store When I went to flappers

When I went to the club in Minneapolis When I went to the club in San Francisco I had to tell about all the things That make my heart Wanna Fuck and come out of my chest Did it take a few meetings for you to be able to do that? Are you just went in and sat down?

I paid for three. I got three on Groupon, you know me. And then I got five more out of my pocket. That insurance wouldn't pick up, so it cost me a couple yardsticks. But I felt it was necessary because it takes, listen, there's a thousand things I could tell you, but I don't want to put you in that position.

There's a thousand things you want to tell me, but you don't want to put me in that position. Right. If you want to tell me, I'm here for you. I'm here for anybody. I appreciate that. But sometimes, listen, sometimes I rather you pay somebody a small 40 and sometimes it's just about rapping.

If you don't think, if you guys at home right now, don't think that in the last three years, I've looked to maybe a men's group, a particular men's group that was talking about something that they weren't whining or something. It was just real men having coffee and talking about their issues of becoming 50 or a parent or being 45 or being 40 or what it is to raise a family and this is not five fucking guys trying to be cute.

I would be there. I would be there because it would be necessary to me. I can't lie to you Lee. I think even I learned that in the halfway house and when I went to prison, I think my machismo, New Jersey shit doesn't allow me to go see a psychiatrist like Tony Soprano.

Right. But I think I find my psychiatry with the podcast. I find my psychiatry talking to you. My wife helps a little bit. Becky helps. Eddie Bravo helps. Joe Rogan helps because I use each one of you for a different insecurity.

And I can be strictly honest with you. I tell you how I feel about my comedy. And you're like, no, no, no, no, no. That joke wasn't bad. And I'm like, okay. You know, it wasn't as bad as I thought. That joke needs work. Different friends fill different insecurities.

Right. When you say I had you fooled people even going back to like my parent teacher conferences, my mom would always come home and say like that I was like the class clown, everyone liked me. And I just never, I don't know, I just never saw it. I know I had some friends, but I just didn't see like this likable, I don't know. I just didn't see it like everyone else, I guess, or maybe, I don't know. I just, it didn't connect with me. but what you're saying over the last five years, I'm definitely a completely different person than I was when I first started.

It was funny. In Vegas, there was a hacker conference, and it was guys that would have been, like in a different universe, I was right at that conference with them. There were nerdy guys, and even Paula Joke, like, they hadn't had a girlfriend, they had acne, they were dorks, but I felt just seeing them made me happy, and I talked with them about being hackers,

and they were all there being, Like they were nerds just, but they were happy and just, I don't know, I just looked, they had the same shoes I had, they were the same people. So it was, uh, I definitely had some friendships and some connections. But then I, I would say it's probably been worse, I guess, since I went to college. Because I think in high school, like, kindergarten through high school, like you're around all these people and you kind of are forced to find friendships. And going to college for me, I went in a semester late, so I didn't have. like the traditional orientation and I'm always a slow starter with friends and I just didn't make friends in college I just didn't I had friends around the city from going to school locally

and thank God uh but sometimes I wish maybe I'd gone to Drexel and like regular in September and been forced to make friends um and then out here I had friends at work but it was only during work hours. It's like, it was like the small talk. You make you, you giggle and you make jokes and occasionally maybe you go out for drinks a couple of Fridays or something. But I'd spend a lot of my time

alone, which I like, but I think maybe it's not good for you. Well, there's a point of being alone that you doubt yourself for a few hours or an hour. Yeah. And then all of a sudden

you get hungry. And that whole gets filled by a fucking genos cheese steak with french fry you know what i doesn't take a genius to figure out why it was got so fat doesn't take a genius you know i've known since day one because you told me that you've had some social insecurities our bond is that i have social insecurities for years i've had social insecurities i still remember a specific sunday when i was involved and all that drug shit and going out with my friends and going to my kai. There was a specific Sunday I was at a bar. Corpies.

Gregory's 7-day weekend. I never forget that I looked at these guys. I'm 21. I'm 22. And I'm looking at these guys and some of them are 30. Some of them are 32. Some of them are my age. Some of them are five years older.

But for the most part, these guys are between 30s and 40s. and I let me look at these guys and thinking to myself you know what man the party like this being at the bar and I don't even and I was 21 22 tops

I already knew that this was not my thing for me to be there I had to be fucking drunk right yeah coked up to the gills just to be left the fuck alone so I couldn't communicate

what I really wanted to which was to tell them all leave me to fuck alone that I would never want to grow up to be like those guys like it just bothered the fuck out of me. So right there, like, I don't even know

how I ended up a stand-up comedy. Because from my mother's bar, from that time I spent in bars, I fucking couldn't wait to get the fuck out of bars. Like, I couldn't fucking wait. Like, I just could not fucking wait to get out of bars. Like, I knew there was a day where I never had to go back on a fucking bar again

unless they had a tremendous, like, clam chowder or a cheese steak or a fucking soup or a lunch special. I always knew that, you know, that I wanted to get the fuck out of there. It's amazing what your insecurities. And even today, even today, you know, I go to a city, I'm enthused, blah, blah, blah. I see the people. I have a great time.

I still have this. I have to work myself up. But once I'm there, I have a great time. When I'm taking pictures of people and shit after the show, I'm having a good time. Oh, yeah. It's when they bother me later. that once it's done and they come back, the picture was blurry.

My mind somewhere else, but once I'm there, I'm having a dynamic time on that line. I'm messing around with the guy's wives. I'm talking to the husband. They're telling me about you. It's a sensational time for me. My insecurity comes in the ride to the airport.

I think about my family. I think about an earthquake. I think about the cats getting loose. You know, you think about all this shit that's bad. Now, because I've read that out of war, I know exactly what that is. It's resistance. So you learn how to deal with all those fucking feelings.

I think it could help because I've just been programmed myself, I guess, to push things down. I just, I don't think there's not really someone that I really confide with, I guess. I don't think there is. No, there is. Well, no, I definitely can find certain things. You have to, you have to. It's not like I don't tell anyone anything, but there's certain, I feel like there's always a level. There's always a ceiling.

Go on, Groupon. And get yourself a little psychotherapy? I have good insurance. Maybe they cover it. I don't know. I don't think so. They're still going to bang you out 400 an hour. Go on Groupon.

Find somebody and fucking go three or four times. And hopefully they'll heal you. I'll pay for the five-month package and see what they'll charge you. But it's always good. You know, I don't know if a group would work for you. You know, when I was in a group at the halfway house, It was a joke from me. I didn't take none of that shit seriously.

When I went to that fucking three hour a day rehab, I took it as a fucking joke. I didn't fucking take that shit seriously. I don't know. I don't know. Part of me is thinking I'd be too shy in front of a group, but maybe if I saw other people sharing, I'd be more willing to.

I don't know. Well, being too shy in front of this group, again, goes back to your fears. Yep. Fuck it. Go to a group, sign up. Make a commitment to go every Thursday morning at 10 o'clock, whatever the fuck it is, Saturday or 1, whatever the fuck it is.

Just make commitment to go and see if it takes care of whatever. Listen, man, one week every month. One week every month. And it happened to me a little bit last week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I stuck getting these feelings, man. It was back to being a child. I'm just not happy. that no matter what position I have in my fucking life,

I'm never fucking happy. I can relate. And come on, man. What do I have to be sad about? Not much. Not fucking much. But there was two or three days last week where I was like, just, what the fuck?

And at first, I think, you know, you watch all these commercials for depression, and I would watch these things, is insomnia. There's a little bit depression, you know, all that type of stuff. I gotta tell you, man, the last year, year and a half, I've done it, I think the last three or four years more than ever, I've really done a really good job of keeping my mind sharp, you know, like I've been overdoing it, like whether it's writing jokes. Listen, for 15 years, I don't even know how I got through this fucking career. because I didn't really buy

I wrote whatever I felt as I was fucking walking around it wasn't nothing from my heart nothing was from my heart it didn't start coming from my heart till nine years ago and maybe seven years ago was when this whole thing started

and the podcasting came along but I challenged myself mentally so much you know like I forced myself to write a story I force myself to write stand up. Every morning I keep like a dialogue in the morning I first get up with coffee just to spill out whatever I'm feeling for the day. But I remind myself,

what the fuck do I got to be upset about today? God gave me another day that I earned. When you wake up in the morning, God give you the, and you're healthy, and you've got both your fucking legs and both your feet. Oh, yeah, and that's a fucked up. God gave you another day to earn. It's not that I'm unhappy. No.

It's a weird difference because I'm not on paper I should be the happiest. And I am. You're 29. Yes. You're college educated. Right. You have something to fall back on. You have a piece of paper that'll get you there.

You've been working on a podcast for six years and was self-sufficient. We're self-sufficient. Okay, whether it's ads, bop, beep, pop, poop, poop, beep. This industry's growing. Absolutely. Now, if you come to me and you go, you know what? I've been talking with Paul and maybe I want to give something. mouse your shot i understand you i fucking get it right i get life i i've always gotten life

if this doesn't make you happy or some part of your life's not making you happy but you got me fooled so but it's it i don't want to make you i don't i feel bad that i don't want to make me think that i fooled you but making me you're not making me feel bad it just it opens up my eyes to watch you a little more but i don't know like who knows like maybe like not that like if you're saying, okay, go maybe podcasting isn't making you happy. But I love what I'm doing. There's an unlimited potential. I don't know if you saw there's a podcast from San Quentin or something now.

It's fucking amazing. Like the inmates inside are making it. But there's always doubt in your mind. Maybe I should be, maybe I should still be editing. Who knows? Maybe I should be a hacker like I saw this weekend. Maybe I should go to one of those tech bootcams and become an app builder. but the thing that I think what I forget how you phrased it but you always said like go to the root of the problem

I think the root might like I think I don't know if it's I don't think it's gonna like be like a bright light like once I get some once I talk to someone I'm gonna see what I'm supposed to do with my life but maybe it'll be maybe it'll be clear who knows me because I that's what I feel that that's what's really frustrated me for the past couple years is because this is in the infancy of the podcasting I feel like I don't really know where I'm going and I don't like that feeling and I've been searching

for it and so that like it's a little weird so maybe if I talk to someone I'll be able to see which direction Right From your eyes Okay What type of attitude

Have I always had towards this podcast? Professional consistent that it's a business anytime I spoke to you about the future of it was I wrong I told you if we worked this out the right way blah blah blah blah blah

You know how much worry I put into this podcast Over the years A lot Where this is going Zero No way I'm gonna tell you why Okay please do

We're very honest Uh huh We're very humble We're very professional. We're consistent and we're doing all the right things. If we were coming out here and talking about the same things we were talking about four years ago or making dumb jokes, I could see. Anybody who's watched this show and been with us for a time known that we've both grown as men. Part of my growth has been this show. Right now you don't see it. But 10 years from now,

whenever you go to a radio station and you talk to somebody during the break like what we do when people come in a lot of times I go into a radio station and they're doing a 15 minute break because it's a report about missiles from Korea and I sit there with them and I talk to them

and they'll tell me do you remember this station in Jersey and I go no that was my first intern job out of college for the guy who went to prison for Gaddi for shaking down the strip club sparks in New York or I forget what the guy's name was. He does comedy also.

Every radio guy I talked to, started where you are right now. Like this is, like, you know what I'm saying? Like out of college, this is what they got. They were interns for this guy. I mean, you heard Greg Garcia sat here three episodes ago. Right. And spoke about his thing and how, what you're doing right now, whether you stick with it or not, believe in that,

you're going to learn from this experience. when you're 48th and you're running a corporation you're still going to use the principles you learn that we've discussed on this show because you saw them work yeah you saw them work we're not doing nothing listen I never told nobody that you and I have the most intelligent things in the world we can't talk to nobody about real I mean who the fuck's going to take us serious when we talk about fitness or shop pulling and shit

nobody will talk to us about a diet the only thing we know is where good food is One thing people know at home is where our heart is. And when you know where your heart is, like I've always told you, if I was doing blow, this podcast wouldn't have lasted more than you. I would have fucked you over. I wouldn't have showed up three or four times. You would have just gone this ain't going to fucking work. Because I had no respect for myself. Why would I have respect for these fucking people?

I would have respect for you. Right. When you're doing drugs, you're disrespecting yourself. Who gives a fuck? That was part of it. That's part of the who give a fuck. I was trying to tell you about all it is where you become. When I got the longest yard on tape, I didn't get the longest yard because I was better than anybody who listens to this show.

I got the longest yard because when I put that audition on tape on my own, which meant I really don't give a fuck what you think about who you need for this movie. I'm telling you who you need for that movie. So even the cocaine at that time was making me a little reckless, it got me that role when I think, back to it, Lee. The cocaine? Fuck, yeah. Because I went home one night, and I got all

coked up, and I had the breakdown. The breakdown, I had it printed, and in my house. Okay. Okay, the breakdown for this movie came out April 5th of 2,0004, and I had it on my desk printed April fucking 5th, like that night. And I looked at that casting director,

and I figured out every way to get in there. And the first thing I did, the first fucking morning. I did the same thing for Spider-Man. I did the same thing for American gangster. I did the same thing for Inside Man. I did this about seven or eight times. Well, I didn't really give a fuck what you fucking thought, Lee. I'm telling you, I'm the role for this fucking... Analyze that. The second one? Oh, I beat them to a pope. I was beating them to a pope. Just being crazy? Just not one giving a fuck. I would call them once a week. What do you hear? Anything? What's going on with the tape? that's crazy when I think about that now I wouldn't have the fucking balls to do that now Would they be like stop calling Yes would you please we'll contact your agent

We find out I got in with Susie Ferris Who was an assistant then And now she's a big shot Now she cast Whitney Cummings show She's casting a couple shows right now And so every once in a while I got a call from agents

Hey you have an audition for this I look at Susie Ferris Because of the relationship From 2000 fucking three would analyze that because she was the assistant to the casting agent and she still brings you in she still calls me in sometimes from time to time she caught me in for Whitney and she called me in for something else that she was casting so these are all they were because i didn't give a fuck when i got listen guys when i got that piece of paper and i read the long first of all the longest yard

when that movie came out i was a fucking kid and i was at the movie theater that sunday and i was at the I gotta tell you something. The whole movie theater was losing their mind at the end. You left the movie theater fucking going, what the fuck was that? That was just tremendous. Prison guards getting beat up by far. Everybody was going fucking, everybody was going crazy.

So when we fucking left there, I still remember the feeling I had. So now they're going to redo it. When my agent called me and I go, listen, call them up. They wouldn't even take his call. He's such a smuck. the guy, I love him dearly, I still talk to him. Right.

Right, I still talk to him. I love him dearly. I said, call down as he was going on. It took him about a week. I had the breakdown in my house. It took him about a week. Finally, he called me back and goes, okay, listen, here's the deal. They won't even look at your tape.

They don't want to see you because they want a star. Let me tell you some guys. I started fucking crying that night on the Coke. The cocaine made me cry. For three days, I walked around disappointed. I didn't know what I was going to do. How I was going to fucking do it? How was going to get in that door?

I don't even know Adam Sandler. I don't know nobody who knows Adam Sandler. I don't know nobody. I knew Chris Rock. And Chris Rock dug me. Chris Rock dug me, but I don't know his number. I don't know who the fuck to call. I'm not that crazy to call Chris Rock.

You wouldn't call him? No, I'm not that fucking crazy. Would you ever show about anyone's number? office or door? Well, the first thing I did the next morning was I took a head, even though they didn't want to see me. Right. I took a headshot, a fucking

resume, a bio, and I ham rid of a letter. Gotcha. And against all my beliefs, I put a tape of me from the mezzo's when I played the gay mobster in a short film for Fox 38, whatever the fuck that is.

box 22. So I put that in there. Right. And I dropped it off. And I didn't hear nothing. And that broke my heart. I was broken, fucking hearted. And then I called another agent friend of mine.

And he told me that they had two people in mind. And I was like, those two guys are fucking great. They're celebrities. But they're not funny. Adam's looking for funny. So one night, when I was all coked up, I fucking made a plan with myself. At about four in the morning that when I woke up,

I was going to call my friend at an ICM to ship me the original script in the longest yard. And then I was going to call Chuck Savage from Houston and have Chuck come over and take me to the University of Texas and shoot scenes of me, throwing a ball, and fucking huddling. And then we were going to go to a lap stop and shoot the scenes in the locker room when they agree

in the real movie. Okay. They agree to go in there against the guards. Did you get the script? I got the script. I got the old script. And I just fucking, the Italian guy, that's not really Italian. He's got blue eyes.

Okay. I just took his shit. And I went in there and read it and put it on tape. And we sent it to fucking casting. And we sent it to one of the producers. To his house? To his office? To his office.

I said, take a chance Columbus did. And by the time I got back from Houston, I had a fucking call. They actually watched it And let me tell you something And because I'm crazy And the cocaine I did in Houston That Mexican cartel cocaine That's what made me call fucking

The casting director Where's time? There's Tony Bennett cock sucker It's Monday cock suckers July 30th Another month flies by Crazyness When somebody breaks your heart

August 1st The rent is due bitches I guess you're not going to Disneyland this week. As I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. To learn that misery loves company, wait and see. Fucking tremendous, tremendous. It still tugs my fucking heart that song. Is there a specific part or just the whole thing?

Just little parts of it. When I really, really listen to the specifics of it, it's really weird how sometimes it triggers me, sometimes it doesn't. Tonight it fucking got me a little bit. I still remember being a fucking kid and agreeing to go into the bar with my mom to open it. Sometimes I would convince it just to go up there, open it.

And I'd take a cab later on and come up. How old were you? Eight, nine, ten. And you would take a cab by yourself? Fuck yeah. All the time. Oh, my God. Have you seen this?

There's videos of this kid from, I think he's in New Jersey, New York. He's like a little, I imagine it's kind of like you. He goes in and goes to the back of the sandwich places, but he's just really, like, confident. I just imagine you just like, I can't imagine getting it. a cab at eight or nine. It was a short cab ride. It was like going from Hollywood to Studio City, you know, like

a short cab. I was going up the hill from Sears to my mother's bar. But sometimes I'd have to go up there with her. She'd go, fuck that shit. Come up with me right now. You've got to help me with garbage. Fuck! And I'd go up there and take the garbage out. While she was taking a fucking garbage out, she'd play this song

four or five times. And she was mopping. She would take buckets of hot water, with fucking bleach in it and scrub those bar floors and she would wipe down all the chairs and she would wipe down the bar and she would hose the fucking floor

she was a clean freak man she would unplug the fucking record player and we played in the back there was another record player that you put so she had this I mean it was just tremendous and she did this every Monday she lit candles for all the fucking spirits

she cooked lunch every Monday Monday was like a big family me day at the fucking ball. But she always played this song. She played this song every fucking day, though. At one point in the night, somebody would play this fucking song. Somebody would go, no-no, we played this

fucking song for you. And I'd sit there and hear this song three times in a fucking day I want to shoot myself. And now I like to listen to it every Monday. It's become part of the show, 500 fucking episodes. Every Monday we've had that. You know, it's called. It's called 250, at least. Yeah, that's called consistency.

Cucksuck. We don't fuck around. Lee, I'm very happy that you spoke openly about what you go through. Listen, I think there's times if it wasn't for this podcast, I tell people stories. I tell you people what the fuck is bothering me. There's times I'm sleeping and I'll wake up and think of something. And I go, I've got to let these people know about this. This is the craziest thing I ever heard. Right.

Right now, the reason why I went to J-Jitsu 15 times this month. Wow. 15. That's a lot of times this month. And like 13 last month, you know. Why do I do this? I do this because the people who listen to the podcast are watching me. They're waiting for me to sit down and go, hey, man, I quit.

I can't do that. I joined with them, and I'm going to stick with out with them until the end. Just so they know that if I could do it at 50 fucking four of my fat ass, they could do anything the fuck they want. That's why I do it. I do it because I can't stop now. I got too many eyes on me. Plus, I love it.

Plus, I can feel myself getting better. I'm getting sharper. I'm getting better on stage because an art is an art. Whenever you work on art from any direction, there was a great comic out here once. He's still great. He does colleges now, and I think local clubs in Atlanta because he's raising his daughter.

Corey Miller. Corey Miller had a distinctive style of writing. On Monday, he wrote comedy, on Tuesday he wrote poetry. On Wednesday, he wrote a TV show. On Thursday, he wrote a movie. And on Friday, he wrote comedy. So every day, the genres would always open. He had every channel open when he wrote.

I couldn't believe he would do that. I go, why would you write a movie? You're not going to fucking sell it. You didn't matter. You're writing. You're attacking. You're making your mind move. And sometimes I think, and Lee,

again, you had me fooled. But one of my things, Lee, has always been that idle hands is the devil's workshop, Lee. Yeah. I have said this shit. I say it to myself. I said it to myself from the dog. When I was 19,

every time I thought about robbing somebody, it was because I was sitting down not working. Really? Yeah. I never thought of robbing somebody. when I was loading trucks, making 18 bucks an hour. So why do you quit the jobs then? Because I thought it robbed somebody.

During a break or something? Yeah, like when you're sitting there all fucking day, watching MTV smoking pot. Right. And you're thinking of the things that you don't have. What happens to you? Yeah, because you go to a spot roll. It's a nervous breakdown you have by yourself.

God forbid you smoke marijuana. Yeah. God forbid you smoke marijuana. It's weird. You were talking earlier, like, how, like, all this stuff is going great for you. And that's part of, like, I say that, like, that's part of it. It's, like, why aren't you happier? Like, why aren't you happy?

Me? No, no, no, like, that's what I say to myself. Oh, I'm the same thing. So, like, that's... Why am I not happy? I don't... I sit here and I go, I'm going... Last week, there had to be, like, Tuesday.

There was a part of the day where I was in that office. And when sometimes when I start... feeling that way, I shoot out in front of the sun in my backyard. And I force myself to sit in the chair outside in front of the sun. I take a joint out there with me. I take a pipe out there with me. Sometimes I just take a thing of water. And I sit out there and I absorb some of that vitamin D.

And whatever thoughts I'm having goes away. But I've always been a firm believer. Idol hands is the devil's workshop. You're saying, Joey, what does that mean? I'm going to stab my grandmother? No. No. idle hands the devil's workshop means the devil creeps into your mind that's when you start thinking about what you don't have what you need to do again we go back to the periscope why the fuck are you thinking you know you have this thing right now and you're a great kid you know i love you the death and i got you covered here and we're a family and we have a great time and the guests love you and people know who the fuck you are casinos and whatnot it's not this wasn't about

Fame. No. This for me wasn't about fame. Fame makes me very uncomfortable. Yes. So this is, and what do you think? You see me in a fucking convertible? You see me in a BMW?

You see me posting pictures of me at premieres and shit like that? I get invited to once a month I get invited to something. And you know what? The night of, I feel terrible for not going. Because I should be there. But I don't belong there. I'm not a movie fucking star. Why am I going to go there fake?

Who am I going to go to talk to it? What the, fuck do you want to talk to me about? What do you want to talk to me? What do you want to talk to me? About what? About smoking what about, about hanging out with you, about what it's like to be? I don't know. What the fuck? That's how I feel in my mind. Right. That's the devil's workshop. You know when that happens? When I'm sitting here high by myself for 20 minutes and I'm going, what do I got on the books tomorrow? Or tomorrow I got to go meet this guy at 10. I'm going to try to catch Jiu-Jitsu over here.

At two, I'm going to try to connect with Shane. And then I'm going to go do this thing at 7. Well, guess what? when I wake up and Lee, Lee's the judge, Lee knows, when I wake up the next morning Lee and I call you like, so what time are you doing this? I go,

I cut that out today. I got rid of that. I'm not going all the way down there. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing that. What do you think it makes me do that? Because I'm lazy. You think I'm fucking lazy?

You know, because I'm fearful. I cut that out. I'll push that meeting back. Right. It's everything for me to get ahead. But his office made me in Marina del Rey, and poor Joey doesn't want to drive. drive the 20 fucking miles.

I have my problems, man. I have my issues. That's what makes this fucking great. That's what lets me go up on stage and connect with people. That they know, they know what the fuck we're talking about here, man.

Last weekend, anxiety, before comedy, anxiety in general. I have it worse than anybody. I just don't let it beat me, Lee. I often, I cannot lie to you. I often think I suffer from some form of depression.

And as a matter of fact, I think I do. I just don't let it get a grabs from me. I think you're right about the idleness. I think... Absolutely, Lee. I have been beating you up for five years about Lee. Get up and get out. That is the best thing an individual could do for themselves.

Why do you think I'd tell you that? Because I get you out of the house, I get your legs moving, but more importantly, and get your mind moving. and those, listen, I could sit here, guys, and quote a book and try to be intelligent. I don't know what it's called, but I know that they show the brain after 20 minutes of working out. Did you see those pictures I wrote up as a lesbian? What happens to your brain when you walk, crawl, do jumping jacks?

Certain things happen to your brain. And I know for me, when I was a fucking criminal, listen to this, I would wake up in the morning with three or four bucks, I'd figure out a breakfast and I had a target or maybe two targets and they both had to be in the same neighborhood because I was walking down there because I didn't have money for a bus I didn't have a fucking constant getaway driver but that walk

to go down there sometimes either clarify the situation for me and make me rob one guy instead of another or sometimes it would stop me from robbing somebody. You know why, Lee? Good time. Because the walk

cleared my head. It cleared who the fuck I was. I wasn't on the couch. And I wasn't getting beat-ups. Now instead, guess what I'm going to do? I'm going to go eat my pride and borrow $30 from Georgia. And fuck it.

He's owed me $100 for two years. I'll figure out how I'm going to give it back to him. And that's what I do instead of fucking going to rob what I was going to do. You know why? because I got up and I went for a fucking walk. Not a drive. A drive ain't gonna do shit.

No, I can't. A drive you're gonna do shit for your body or your brain. It'll stimulate you a little bit because you have to get out and we'll go to the coffee or Starbucks. But there's nothing like when you feeling shitty. Listen, I'm not talking about what we're lifting weights or going to jih Tijuana or breaking bricks with your head. I'm not talking nothing about that.

I'm talking when you're sitting in the living room and you feel those. walls closing it, which we've all fucking felt that. I feel it for years. I went to prison until today. When I don't see a window in a room, I freak the fuck out. Why? Because there's no out for me.

The door? Listen, I got to go to the heart doctor on Thursday. I've been canceling on this guy for two years. You know why? Number one, it's on the 18th floor, and the windows the size of a prison vent. It's smaller than our fucking vent And every time he go in there He makes me do this test

Where they shoot ink in me And then they put me through a scanner And see where the leaks are in my heart Let me tell you something That fucking ink Makes me go fucking bananas It makes my heart beat the death They gotta come in there and give me Xanax

And shoot fucking It's two hours of hell for me I get there at 7 And I walk out of 11 fucking Thinking what just happened to me I feel like Daniel called me After they kick I'm like, what the fuck happened?

I don't know. I was doing well. I don't know what happened. They told me I kicked the head. Bro, every time. The first time I went in there, I was about 400 pounds. And Lee, you have no idea what anxiety is. I didn't know what I was getting involved in.

Right, me either, yeah. Okay, I went down there and he said, tomorrow, you're doing this, this, and this. And then you're going to do not a stress test, but this thing with your heart. and he goes, bring a sandwich and bring a whatever you want to drink and bring an apple

bring food because you're going to need it. So, fucking little bots over here. So I walk in there and the chick comes in and she does the EKG and she checks my heart, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm straightly. And the next thing you know,

they fucking put a... What's that shit in your hand? The needle. The fucking intravenous. Ivy. Jesus Christ. I got nothing in my stomach. I feel like shit already.

They put the intravenous in. I breathe through it. I work it out. Jesus Christ, Almighty. They take me into a fucking room. They shoot something in that balloon. And they make me get on the fucking treadmill. And then they turn it up to like 92.

I'm 400 pounds. I'm trying to run uphill at 7.15 in the morning dog. And I'm telling you what? They have a tremendous view in that room. You see people's balconies and Beverly Hills. It's on Century Boulevard. It's in Beverly Hills. I don't even think it's really Beverly Hills, guys.

I'm just, it's down the block from the CA. Very nice. Wherever that fucking is. It's all the way closer to, is it supposed to know? Yeah. Like, what's the street that everybody says to go on, not Beverly? but they say if you're in that kind of town. Beverly Glenn?

No, no, no. If you're shooting up Hollywood laterally instead of going on up, what's Olympic? Olympic. So it's Avenue of the Stars and Olympic. That's where the doctor's office is. So the one deal was just gorgeous.

And that's where they put the fucking ink in you. But that standmaster I did, oh my God, Lee. I had to tell him to stop. And they're like, no, 45 more seconds. And I'm like, you either fucking stop. stop this one i'm gonna go through that goddamn window passing out and they had to stop it and sit me down and ask me if i want to get an electric shock to my heart i was in bad shapely then they took me inside

they they put an ink in you and then they put you in like an x-ray machine hey they see where your heart has fucking different problems that's must be very scary sure it's fucking scary it's not scary for guy like you because you like being fucking stuck with needles oh yeah yeah For a guy like me, I shit my fucking pants. I hate you. I go for this fucking goddamn thing. But you know what? I do it.

You know why? Because I do it for me. I do it for the listeners. And I do it for my family. Because I know I can't say, fuck it. And then get a heart attack or something. It's amazing how you have to step up at some point in your life for years. I didn't step up for dickly.

I got some of my know. No, no. My name is what do you mean step up? Step up. I would always care. on everything. I came for my fucking, for my army exam. I

cave to be fucking this. You know how many jobs I had? But you know how many jobs I got and didn't show up the night before when I got fucked up? And didn't fucking show up. How many? Jesus Christ, Lee. And then you wouldn't go to the second day? No, fuck it. You didn't go to the first

day? He wants to see the second day. What are you going to go in there and tell him a story? How you were... Your cat got run over. I thought. Maybe you just tell that story a couple times. So you're like, who's going to believe that fucking story? What do I keep using that fucking story for? Jesus.

So you were like just sabotaging yourself at every corner? No, so sabotage is fucking huge. And you see it in so many ways. And come on, I lived it. I lived it. So I see it coming and go. If you want me to sit here

and tell you, oh my God. Oh, my God. There was a fucking a seven-year stretch, like two or three times. Why completely lived that lifestyle? Of what? I'm just self-sabotized, getting in your own way. Did it happen because something good was about to happen?

Always. God for fucking bids, something good happened. I'm a piece of shit. Why would something fucking good happen? Why would somebody give me a job? Why would something good happen? What the fuck, you know? What the fuck?

That's self-sabotage. Why am I going to do this job? He's just going to fire me anyway. Right, yeah, exactly. Eventually, my car, it's like, fucking, I don't want this thing. You know, I got a thousand jobs, but there was a thousand. I woke up the next one. I'm like, fuck that bunk.

I could hear the phone ringing and everything. People knock on the door, and I'm not answering that shit. It's crazy. I've never done that. See, that's the thing. I've always felt when I had a job, I felt like I feel, what's the word? Like, I felt like I had to do it, at least I tried to try. It was it, I don't know, a responsibility.

Like, I liked, it's been harder for me to try to do my own thing than to have someone tell me what to do. Listen, some people are built to work for somebody else. Right. Some people could take it so long ago. You know what? I could do this. Do it 100% better and maybe do a little cheap or make a living on my own. Right.

Maybe involve my wife. Maybe involve my dumb kid. Whatever the fuck. It's natural. Listen, it's very natural to want things, Lee. Mm-hmm. There's nothing wrong. Nobody wants to sit.

Nobody wants to grow. All right. Everybody wants, I mean, I'm sorry. Everybody wants to grow. Isn't the issue if you never feel like there's, like, there has to be some point where you're feeling okay. Don't, I mean, I don't, I don't, not to mean, it's overgrowing as a person, but that's when you think that there'd be some point,

or do you think it's, oh, it's a process. Being okay is being content of what your life ended up, or what are you saying? I don't know. Is it being content with your life? Listen, man, if you know, where you come from and you've done something you always be content even if you didn't amount to whatever the fuck you wanted to amount to what do you think I amounted to what the fuck I wanted

to amount to in the back of my head I always want to live my life to make my I want to live my life like my mother was alive I wanted to complete what she wanted to do I mean who the fuck are we kidding right society us old geezers we did whatever the fuck your family told you they right whether we liked it or not whether we understood it and then we ended up with substance abuse and ended up just like they did because you do something for the fucking money or for somebody else you know but i would my path would have been completely different i hope but for a while i thought listen before i kidnapped bella leased i had how crazy is that that i was two or three semesters from applying at law school

at the University of Colorado and the crazy thing is I was probably going to get in Latino Spanish program that is a fucking reality people three semesters I got to figure out when I took my GED You know what's funny

I mean not funny but kind of sad three semesters is probably 18 months probably what you did in prison I was three semesters away because I lost credits when I transferred from CCM to the University of Boulder continuing education. All right? And then once I had too many credits in continuing ed,

they go, you got to get into the school. I said, you guys won't let me. They said, you get under the Latino plan, then they let me get. And all I had to do is get a guaranteed C plus or something. A fucking moron could get a C plus. Right. It was such a soft program at the time.

They gave you money. So now I'm in this. I enrolled in the first semester. I got C-U-O-P. I got all this shit. And one day after the fucking thing, they were having a Latino seminar. You know, one in the afternoon.

They were giving out free food. Some Mexican place was catering it that I liked. Okay. I went there. And I took the earbeat from the law school. And I took the ear-beaten from the engineering school or the astronauts called. They had a few Latino programs.

programs. Fuck, you don't see the Latino astronauts and you shoot up in the moon. I can see you being a lawyer. So the law thing was something I always was interested in. My mother used to always break my balls and go, when you get old, you're going to be a fucking lawyer. Wow, wow, or whatever. So I thought about it. And then I met with somebody from the law school. Like two weeks later, they have like a seminar day.

and I signed up and I had like a 3.30 and I met with somebody from the law school for a half hour for free consultation and questioning. I did all this guys. Because like what it takes to get in? And I was snorting coke. I was robbing the fucking, what's the store where everybody goes to buy books and shit like that?

Martin de Noble? No, no, no, the college books on campus. The bookstore? Yeah, like the big one. There's always one big one where everybody goes where you go in there and your parents are in there with a credit card. Right.

And you could buy used books or new books, but they've got supplies and bags and sneakers and everything they had at this place for some reason. They had a thing of watches. Just watches for $30 a piece, like $39.50, a couple Timex watches. Didn't your eyes widen when you saw that? As soon as I saw that, I kept it in my mind and I knew that that was going to be lunch someday. I wasn't going to be a big heist, but it was very simple. It wasn't connected to an alarm, and nobody would catch it. Right, yeah.

At least I had, sure enough. I walked in there one day with a winter jacket, picked the thing up like she's my girlfriend, and I walked the fuck out of there. With the whole album? The whole thing. I think we're going to say, I put three in my pocket, and then I went and I got $20 and got a Chinese lunch.

I went to my friend's house. I broke the case with a hammer. I took all of them out. He put him in his truck and took him to some. some fucking dumpster. And he came back. I had them all pretty. And I took him to some fucking porn shop

in a long month. Some fucking Mexican that bought anything. And I took it to him and he bought all of them. And I think I made what? $400,500. For me, that was a fucking score. That was like being in the mafia. Could you do one of those a day?

Oh, I went back the next day because when I stole the watches, I saw they had Parker Pens. Those really good fucking pens. They had two cases. One of Parker. and one of the other big good ones. Why didn't you describe them that day?

Because I already had one arm covered. I had to have the other one to block. In case and security guard got cute. I got to fucking block them like fucking, you know. You're doing no. You're always multitasking. You're stealing and casing at the same time. This is crazy.

Oh, my God. I'm going to campus. I'm fucking married. And I'm the way and I'm like, let me go. I would go and then clip books. Like if you came to me and said, don't they want $52 for that book, I'll get it for you now for 25.

You have 25 cash? I ain't get it. No worry about nothing. I was going there with a book bag. I robbed a book a day. I was always good for a 20 a day out of that place. There's probably people who were like talk of you, like the book terror. It was fucking terrible. You would just do everything.

I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed. Until this day, like, it was disrespectful completely on my end. Just it was, it was a. Even Rogan said to me,

because the first time I went to bowl I understood, I understood that he goes, I couldn't remember you, it was like a candy store for you. And this is 25 years before that. They weren't prepared for this town. Right, like that. I broke into a cookie thing one day

through the window. A cookie store? Like those cookies stores. You stole money from the cookie man? There was maybe 80 bucks. And here's the crazy thing. I had $10,000 in the bank. What?

Why would I break into a cookie store? Because I was a fucking degenerately. So you like breaking into stores? I liked the whole thing. I liked whatever made my heartbeat. Yeah. I liked whatever made my heartbeat. And a week later I called and I got credit cards and I was doing that.

And then I was not doing it for a week. So I knew the cops would be alerted. But now I'd show up with a different card and work it again. And then I'd just start going to restaurants away from where I was living. I go to every restaurant away from where I was living to throw them off. Through who off? They were the cops, the investigators. Because eventually you're going to go to one of those places,

and they're going to go, excuse me, sir, I need to see ID. I'm not going to have ID, and they're going to go, we're going to call the police, but they can't hold you. Okay. So you walk out of there, you get in your car, they might get your license, but you might keep walking and see somebody you know when you get out of there when the cops come

that two or three days from now they're gonna get 10 restaurants in the area you're going to get fraudulent alerts that they come somebody came to here

spent $60 and it was a stolen credit card it's weird how it works so they start thinking wait a second whoever fucking did this lives in the neighborhood

but if you don't live in the neighborhood it makes it throws them off a little bit so you do it everywhere what was your radius 40 miles 40 miles.

How much would you scan for? Let me explain something to you. The more I did it, the dumber I got. Then I went down to a 10-mile radius. Then I settled for a 5-mile radius, which is really bullshit. That thing got you zero there. Right. Did you get lazy, or what was it?

Listen, you always get caught because you get cute, and you cut out one of the steps. You eliminate a step because. because you think you're that good at doing what you're doing, and maybe that step is the most important step in the whole move that you're making. That's why you always cover the steps the same way every time. Something like that, when you're in there, you know that you covered those steps. So is that the job of someone like my age, like just figuring out the steps? I mean, you've obviously put a groundwork down here,

but there's always everything's evolving. is life. Right. You know what the beauty is about life? It's a fucking surprise every fucking day. I don't like surprises. How old are you? At 28?

9. 29. 29 for me was 1992. I just started comedy. I was six months into comedy. I had just gotten separated. I lost my job.

I was three semesters short of a college education. But at this time, I also had a felony. I forgot what I kept the apartment, the condo, so I forgot what the mortgage payment was there. I didn't have a fucking car payment, but my father-in-law took back the truck from the construction company, so I had to buy a car.

So what did dumb Joey Diaz do? He went and bought an Akear Integra at $400 a month with no job. Back then? Yeah. How was that stupid? Guys, listen, we're family now. Let's be honest.

I went, I bought a... and Tegra. My money was $400 a month for that, $100 for insurance. My condo payment was $12.50 a month, $9.50. Who the fuck knows? All right. Whatever it was, I couldn't afford a lick of it. Not to mention cocaine, not to mention a girlfriend,

dinners, trying to be Johnny Gumbah, takeout, video rentals. That's what my nut was with no fucking jobs. Just burning through your savings? Burning through credit card. Oh. Like I owned the fucking bank. Like something was going to happen.

Eventually, that dude that killed the fucking guy at that bar. Right. Sold Valiums. And Valiums with the V's, the good ones, were high dollar at once. All over the country, people wanted those things. And here in my backyard, this fucking guy was selling them for fucking 50 cents. People were paying a dollar and a quarter or $1.70 fucking five for these things. Wow.

Next thing you know, I started getting a hand of those and I started sending them back and that caught me up a little bit because I was sending at least a thousand Xanax Valiums at a time with the V in him. So I got into business with this guy. That's why I knew he was fucking crazy.

He was getting tons of those things. Tons, tons, tons, bags, garbage bags. And you were selling them for $1.75? I was selling them for $1.20. I was making close to a dollar on each one. If they would pay cash, I would send the amount, and they would get it three days later, and I would get the money zipped to me.

How quickly would you sell a thousand volumes? One day. You were the wholesaler. One call, yeah. I would get them from the killer. You'd tell me what you want, and I'd solitate. And then I gave people a minimum. And then I finally, to really make money,

I just got a fucking shipload from and flew him back to Newark and went to a bar and the whole fucking ball was eating volume at $2 a piece and I was selling 100 volume but I forget what the fuck I was selling them I was making two times my money

and I ended up blowing that guy like $600 and when I went back in 93 I went to his job and I told him what happened and he goes listen I need that money I can listen I'll give you like 100 bucks a week. He goes, no problem. I gave him 100 bucks

for six weeks, and I gave him something, like an ounce of weed and stuff, is that thank you? I'll never forget that he put the weed in his pocket, and he goes, hey man, I'm not mad at you, but he goes, it wasn't cool what you did. I know you called,

but you should have sent the money right away. I go, let's not know how long I was going to stay, you know. I'm sorry if I put you in a bad position. He goes, if it ever happens again. I just want to let you know we're going to do some boxing. I'll never forget when they

told me that. I shit a little bit out of my asshole. Absolutely. I don't think I ever did business. I remember again. He's probably very happy about that. Oh my God, that's scary as hell. He's all gone now. He's all forgotten about it. That's a scary way to live your life.

Do you think about going to law school? I mean, I'm not now. Do you ever think about what would happened or do you put that out of your mind? I put it out of my mind. I don't want to get sad. I don't want to be sad about things I should have done.

I think often, sometimes I go fuck it, I'll quit what I'm doing. I'll do stand-up on the weekends and I go to law school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night. Right. You could? Try it all over again. I'm 54 years old. There was someone in Paul's class who was 40.

That's a complete different than 50 fucking four. Yeah, but you don't need them. You don't need it like it's a career change you maybe just where am i going to find the 62 hours to study late you have you make your own schedule once you're with a child i don't even have fucking time to watch a movie now

when would you like for me to study 62 hours a week let's go to class pretty soon mercy's going to be in school yeah that's going to be so great to see and we can do homework together and then she has to take a bath and I'm still doing homework and then she goes to bed and I'm still doing homework

well I'm going to take a full course load maybe take one class And then she fucking wakes up and I'm sitting there drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, still doing goddamn homework. She's persistence. I want to listen. What keeps the lights on is me doing stander. I wish I could take a law course right now with two. You know how much I try to really write, even though I get shit results. Right.

I try to do a lot of things, like I just don't have it. I would be honest with you. If there was a Votech school, three months, like a Valley College. They don't have a little introduction of law or? It doesn't really worth anything. I've always thought about it. We spoke about years ago, me getting the tutor. You almost went to history class, right?

No, I got a tutor, and the tutor flaked out of me. He didn't want to do it. Damn. He can only do it on Mondays at 615 the fucking morning. Who wants to get up on a Monday morning to hear about George Washington? It's a fucking 15 in the fucking morning when I'm half goddamn awake. Let me give some shoutouts here. Because I got some beautiful fucking people.

I want to thank everybody number one who came out to the, Borgata, from the bottom of my heart, you made me feel fucking tremendous, man. Mikey Bart, all you, you motherfucker, Devo, Timmy H, Little Timmy, Ryan, taking over motherfucking Seacawkers. Let me get some shoutouts, The Beard of Wisdom. He's a new listener, Brian Tovar, Don Wrangler, my man, Lorne Rosencourt, is going through some tough times. I want to let him know I'm thinking about him.

Steve Scott, cheesecake, socks. Alex Costino, always in the house, Mark Vieira always in the house. And I'd like to thank the Bogota for having me last week. And also, I'm at the Ice House this Saturday working out with Uncle Joey, $7.30, $15. And then the following Thursday, San Francisco Putsline bitches. I had to drop out of the Burbank Comedy Festival

because I got another expected job shooting two days on the TV show. So if you bought tickets I'm very fucking so What are you clapping about? What is a game show? No A job It's a little shitty job I'm doing

I don't even know people see it It really doesn't fucking matter You know what I'm saying I don't matter I'm doing everything now for insurance I enjoy my time here with you Insurance is important No, this podcast took a turn to it

When you explained to me But like I said Lee And I'm not saying this to downplay your situation. Okay. I'm strictly honest with you. Last week, I was going to Rettel. I don't know if it was digging at the Bogota.

I have big times confidence issues, you know, at times. Sometimes I don't want to go to the store because I think my comedy's dog shit. You know, we all have issues. Are there other times where you feel confident? You know, years ago, not that I had it, I had a friend. I had a family out in Boulder. And there were a couple brothers. And the one guy told me that his brother suffered from it.

And I really liked that brother. Like that was one of my favorite brothers. He really fucking made me laugh. Like one day he told the guy, that's this bloody matter he sucks. Get behind the ball. Let me teach you how to make a bloody marriage. And here's a guy in a restaurant, a bar,

in a classy hotel. And my friend's cutting up shit making a bloody marry and the guy's looking at him like this has never happened in my 20 year career as a bartender and we had a great time he drank like three of them and the guy even agreed it's a great bloody marry

but you know he suffered from it and I'm his brother and gave me paperwork this was way before the internet this is 1990 maybe I was just because that's when I became friends with them 89 90 I didn't see it I didn't really know the symptoms.

I know what bipolar is when people go a little crazy from time to time. Right. At times, I have a little touch of that. I have that on, I think, both sides of my family and different generations. I think that, for me, until I hear voices for real or Chinese people talking in my ear in the middle of the night, I won't go on the medication that's needed. I always have a pretty good grip on myself. When I was doing Coke, three, four nights a week, you know, two nights in a row, three nights in a row heavy. Right.

Let me tell you something. You feel alive. You feel awake. What you don't feel is in touch with life. Right, absolutely. Something doesn't feel right. It's a hard. I'm telling you guys, it's a fucking terrible feeling.

Why did it feel? He is, again, what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over. Yeah, we're insane. Yeah, absolutely. So, no, no, no, no. I, I, I, I, I sympathize it, your brother. I, I was wondering if you, uh, if you thought, if your memory, your good memory was an issue.

Because I think it is for me. Sometimes I'll think about something someone said to me in seventh grade. I'm like, motherfucker. And it'll, like, it'll torment me all day. It's crazy. It's, I don't, I don't, it doesn't make sense. It has no impact on my life. life, but like that, sometimes that's the stuff that'll get me.

I have issues where I feel at times I should have done different things to different people in part of my life. There's like two or three people in particular. It's my nature. It's who I am. It's what I've expected on myself. But for some reason, sometimes I feel bad. I didn't go after these people or do the hurt that they did to me.

But sometimes I feel good because I had a different. different confidence of it. The one guy who fucked with me, it was about money and respect. My mom helped him out. My friends helped him out, and he never turned money over to me. But what happened was when he died, he gave the money to his wife, then she got cancer and died. They gave it to her brother. He got cancer and died. Then they gave it to this friend of theirs to hold until, hey, they decided who they were going to get it. You don't know how good a friend that dude was with my mom. times he went to my mom's bar. He called me, no.

He waited for my stepfather's sister to come from Cuba, and he gave her this money, which was like a million and a half in cash. Jesus Christ. That that money was supposed to come to me, and I knew this in 1985, but it was

eating me alive in those days. It was eating me alive. That you didn't have it? Yeah, it was like a mind fuck, which I'm happy I didn't get it. Right. Because it motivated to be the person who am today I see your point sometimes things don't go in your favor when you're 28 29 you use them in your direction I think you need to wake up earlier I wake up I hang out with Paula for 20 minutes before she leaves that's all I'm always up at

that point and then just not doing the right stuff I guess soon as she leaves don't even take a shop you have the issue just brush your teeth drink some water take a bottle of water and don't come home to the water is finished. And that's it. I think that might be a good idea. Walk to Laurel, get your mind going,

get some sun on you, you come back. Whatever fucking thoughts or whatever ill issues you have, I guarantee they'll be gone. I'm not telling you to walk the fucking mountain, the Alps. I didn't say that, did I?

If you walk to Riverside, maybe cross the street, walk down the cold water and walk back, that's a nice street nobody sees you the cars are a very sunny street too it's a sunny street cars are going on the other direction so if they go off the cliff at least you could see them before you get ticked off the street there's hospitals on that street in case i pass out yeah no no no no that's a nice little walk there so all those things i think really help towards the beginning

of whatever feelings you get so they don't get bigger i've always been a big uh hermit i guess You've always been on it. I mean, that's why I do it, I guess. It's like, it's a vicious circle, I think. And I've always, the bed has always been a weird place for me. I spend too much time there. Listen, if I get up at 6.30. Right.

And this is no line. This is today. Okay. If I get up at 6.36 and I'm an owl by myself. When I tweet and I do what I need to do, then I get my notebook out, I start writing and I write about my day and what needs to be done. Okay. By 9 o'clock, I'm already changing my schedule on my head.

At 10 o'clock, 10.30, guess what I start dodging? What? Jiu-Jitsu. Really? Oh, at 9. 30. 10 o'clock. Oh, Jesus Christ, Joe. I start dodging jiu-jitsu. 10.30, I'm dodging it like a motherfucker.

Everything hurts. I get up. My knees hurt. My back hurts. I have breathing. issues. All of a sudden that bonged, I took at 8, now I'm really fucking high. Oh my

God, maybe I should just stay home and lift weights all right. All the excuses excuse me, I can come into my head shoot into my head. It's the weirdest thing. Right, yeah, that's the amazing. Every fucking excuse possible. I mean, I could wake

up fine. I can wake up and go for a mile run. All of a sudden, two hours after I wake up, I can't walk. That's how fucked up mind is and now I just get water I get my protein drink I go to the back I put on my shorts I put on my ghee pants and I go and I go fuck it if I'm sore I'll give it a shot like today I was sore as fuck from that plane ride remember it was five in with a fucking hour drive and then on the way back it was one in with a six hour plane ride back from

Philly they ain't fucking around Jack that's a lot of planes so this morning I was walking around a little fucked up, but I finally said, fuck it, I gotta go to lunchtime. Worst case scenario, I'll put some blood in my back. Right. That's the worst case fucking scenario. Absolutely. So, I'm finally starting, I had a weird issue where I

drank too many Coca-Cola's by mistake. I don't drink like alcohol that often. I got and I drink coke and whiskeys and they were lighter than I thought. But I'm starting to like, if I, if I self-medicate with food, I'm getting to an age now where people die now. There's 29-year-olds that die from eating too much and being too fat.

So it's not as a carefree anymore. You can't. So that's why I think that might be why it's on my mind too. Well, jeet at the buffet there. They tell me about your men at the buffet. You were mean at the buffet. I was delicious. Don't cut nothing now.

No, no. I had a beef rib. It was delicious. Just one beef. Yeah, because they're big. I did have a crepe. Which is delicious. What flavor?

Cinnamon and Nutella. Delicious. Okay. I had some dumplings. You know, I have to get dumplings. How many of you those? Like four? Maybe six.

No, I had four. Dance Paula. I had, uh... What else did I have? I didn't have. I had, um... What else was there? It was a good buffet.

I didn't get the sushi. I missed... Wow. I was, I had the sushi. You missed on malaria, yeah. I don't. I don't eat crab legs. What was good?

The grape. The crepe. The crepe was dessert. I'm forgetting what else. You missed on the coconut cream pie. I don't like that. You missed on the regular vanilla fucking cake with the white frosting or the chocolate frosting. Right.

You passed all up for a crepe. Yeah, love the grape is great. Oh, and then we saw Love, which is really good. What's love? The Beatles show. How long is that? 90 minutes. Did you enjoy yourself?

It was great. And then Saturday morning, what did you do? Saturday morning. We went around the casino. I started playing Pai Gow. Oh, and there's a friend at a casino that would talk to me and gave me a note. It fell out. Please email me.

But we played Pai Gow a little bit. I saw our friend, Danny. My nephew, Danny. What casino he worked at? Cosmopolitan. You've been there for a while. Wow. He started somewhere else, and they transferred him there. It's a very fancy.

It's where all the cool kids' day. It's the coolest, hippest casino. It's, uh, and I went there, I made all the wrong bets, like, all, like, except for the Tanya Avenger one, which is, and that's what I, and that's what I'm seeing now, is that you find the one mistake that you think you can bet on and then just put it all in that. If I had put it all in that, I would have made the same amount of money that I would have had won all my other bets, so I should have just done that. you should have done a lot of things

cocksucker so but you had a good time was fun pie guy was great you had a good time with your wife and that's all that matter

Larry's got why did he stay in a hotel or a casino I don't know he uh the casino was weird I want to I want to put them on blast

but uh but uh they canceled the UFC for a like a beach boys reunion band or tribute band so that was a weird

choice but well I'm I'm happy that you spoke about your little Thank you for a little Let me do it Things on the podcast I hope that

You group on A psychotherapist in the area Just to talk to it Maybe two or three times Yeah I think I will Then you decide Maybe cut her rate with her Maybe she has a sliding scale

According to your salary I mean all these things help Man you know It's worth a shot Like I said I've always been a fucking macho sack of shit You know And I'll talk to people

Like, listen, that lady that I went to for this hypnotism, I spoke to her a few times about a couple sensitive issues. And Dr. Amiel, when I go there for acupuncture, the first thing she asked me is what's going on. So we talk for 10 minutes. Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Are you stressed out?

Are you and your wife getting along? How's your sex life? blah blah blah blah blah you know Dr. Amy asked me all that shit I trust them Yeah you built the relation That's my that's my biggest fear With doing this

Therapy not only because of the price But that I it would I wish I wish I knew a therapist Almost Well you're gonna get hit by 20,000 therapists Now People saying they could And I'm sure they can

Can. Do you think maybe if I went to a group like the person who ran the group would be a therapist? Yeah, that's what they do. So maybe then I could go to the groups. It might be cheap or fine, which one I like, and then go to them individually. Whatever. You know, listen, you have a fear. They're not really. You don't have a fear speaking in public.

I had one before this. In fact, you're very good at it. You've got to conquer your fears in this life, man. All this shit you're scared of. If there's 10 things you're scared of and you conquer six of those things, you know what, man, we did okay. We did okay. Go talk to somebody. You know, you go to this gym a year and a half.

You haven't spoken to a trainer over there. You haven't been open with nobody over there. No. I'm sure they all have nutrition tips and maybe they'll work you out. I know they charge like a motherfucker. But you know what? There's somebody over there that you could say, listen, I want to Groupon and there's so many of them.

When you Groupon? Yeah. Groupon has tons of shit out there for Burbank, NoHo, Sherman Oaks. Pons of shit, especially CrossFit, which you don't need in your life. They're just going to fuck up your knees. What about boot camps? I don't know. I don't know how they work.

Are you really going to go to the boot camp? I gave you that thing. Yeah. That thing is very interesting about the YMCA. On Tuesdays from 4 to 6th, start on August 15th, they do a car. cardiovascular health. If you can't commit to that way, you can't commit to that shit.

I can do that. That's eight weeks from four to six. Nothing can interfere unless somebody in your family getting stabbed. You get there at 3.30, you stretch out. I think it's an hour workout, an hour of education. I have to take the baby to swim at 455. If not, I'd fucking do it with you. Do you have to be a member?

You have to sign up. Okay. Go talk to them. I'll talk to them. I'll talk to them. As soon as they see you leave and you tell them, tell them whatever fuck you want, listen. Right.

I suck the dick to make a living. But I swallow the sperm with cupcakes. You know what I'm saying? I'm gaining weight. I can't stop gaining weight. I want to know about guidance. I saw this brochure. And they did it before and I guess I was successful with it.

And look who's sponsoring the event. So they take your blood pressure. Right. They take blood from you in the beginning. And then at the end, they do it again. and they show you the progress you've made. I'll definitely look into it because I'm worried about my heart, so that's it.

I'll definitely look into it. Listen, little steps become back steps, brother. Once a week from four to six, that ain't shit. Right. It's just showing up once a week. Eventually one day you're going to the one, I'll show up three. And what you are, you're going to the gym right now. I go to the gym.

I'm sorry about the bottle. Do you think maybe I was wondering, because I had a, I don't know, six, seven months, of the most working out I've ever done in my life. And that ended. And it kind of went through a period there after that. So maybe, and I gained weight. So maybe I should just join a class and get over with it.

Yeah, you burn yourself out with the elliptic all that time, and you didn't want to try anything else. It's not the same. It's not the same. Anyway, listen, man, July was a fucking interesting month. And I'm happy a lot of people on vacation and whatnot. But listen, we had a great month as always. Thank you from the bottom of my fat little heart.

Me and Lee, thank you for listening and for being loyal fans. But before anything, let me talk to you about something. Maybe you're looking, maybe you're not. I don't know what the situation is in your life. All I'm telling you right now is you want, like I said, little steps become big steps. Lift knows that they're drivers or keep them moving. so they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip.

It's a simple format. Happy drivers mean happy passengers. Maybe that's why 9 out of 10 lift rides get a perfect five-star rating. Every time I take one, I give them five stars. It's tremendous from the airport right to the house, and it's quick. It's right on the phone, not to mention. As a driver, you can earn hundreds of dollars a week, plus tips. You want to earn more money?

You drive more. It's never been easier to get yourself a raise. Right now, there's no salary at all. There's no cap. There's no roof. You can make what the hell you want on whatever days you want. Lyft was the first ride share platform with a tipping bill right into the app because getting tipped shouldn't depend on your passenger having a crumpled bill in their pocket.

You keep 100% of the tips, and let me tell you something, they add up fast. Drivers have been paid over 200 million since the feature was introduced. And Express Pay lets you get paid almost instantly instead of waiting for 19 weeks like one of these other, you know, I hate when people old me Guiters. Lyft has even taken the guesswork out of pickups. The new app device uses color coding to help passengers find your drivers. I see it all the time at night. And that impresses the hell out of me. It makes a lot easier.

It makes it a lot easier. I used it all the time in Vegas. Yeah, tremendous. And it was easy to find them because it's hard because everyone's using them. And just speaking about the interesting drivers you meet, we met a Mormon guy who had lived in Utah and sells education software. And does this during the summer to during the slow times, during when they're not selling educational software. That's what I'm saying. Listen, you can earn.

So join the right-sharing company that believes in treating its people better. Go to lift.com slash Joey today, right now, and you can get a $500 new driver bonus. That's lift.com slash Joey. Again, that's lift.com slash Joey. Limited time only, terms apply. Number two, it's August 1st. Let's face it. Humidity is fucking everywhere.

You know what humidity means? The next time you go on a date, your assholes gonna smell like a dead frog by 11 o'clock. Who the fuck are you kidding? I've been there. You know what my asshole smells like when humidity? Why do you think I left Jersey?

Because I had warrants? Yeah. Because my asshole stunk. That's why I had warrants, to be honest with you. You don't need that aggravation in your life. You always want to be refreshed. You want your helmet to be clean. Females, you know, I love you.

You always need that monkey to get a little water. Isn't that wrong with that monkey you get a little water spit out, and that's exactly what I'm going to promote to you and tell you right now with hello-tushy.com. You're sitting there going, Joey. You're speaking about cleaning monkeys and my asshole. What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a portable bidet that fits right in your toilet and is easy to install. How easy is it, Lee? Less than 15 minutes. Boom, tip-top McGoo. You could bring it on the road if you really want to. That's how, listen.

By the time you get one, it's portable. You are going to bring it on the road. the road because you don't know what life is about to you sitting that little thing and that little thing spits water in your little muffler and you're sitting there in a fucking trance like a fool you're you're a finger bang a 14 year old girl when you went high school that their eyes rolled back in their head and shit that's what happens to you when cold water hits your little fucking muffler and you're sitting and then you move back and you swivel a nut sack of debt and ladies can you imagine a little cold water at lunchtime a little cold water at lunchtime a little cold water

water at six, a little cold water at eight, that ain't going to hurt nobody, you know what I'm saying? A quick wipe, you get that little yellow stuff out, and that's it. Bing, bang, boom, you're back in the race, you know what I'm saying? Go to hellotushy.com slash joy right now. Church. Slash church, I'm sorry. Hello, Tushy slash church right now. You go enjoy it.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about a portable bidet that's going to change your life. I'm talking about a device that's going to help you not get hemorrhoids. It's going to help you have. not get infections, it's going to help you not get the most important thing that you can get, which is called swamp ass. You want to walk around with swamp ass, or you want your asshole to be refreshed at all times. Refreshed.

Refreshed. Not only that, if something happens to hello, Tushy, I got a 90-day guarantee, and I'll tell you what, if Lee's been using his for how long now? Feels like six, seven months. If Lee hasn't busted that thing and I haven't busted mine, you, you're sitting there with a nice skinny asshole. But you know what? A stinky assholes in your jeans. You're a skinny guy, you eat healthy.

But you know what? I don't know, maybe you're from a different country, and your genes are different, and every time you open up your asshole, it's like fucking tear gas. It's your lucky day. Go to Hello Tushy slash church right now and get 10% off on your portable bidet.

I guarantee you. I guarantee you. You're going to hit me on Twitter and go, Joey, you're a fucking genius. You changed my life. You're a Swami from Salami. I can't believe that you have that type of fucking knowledge. I'm telling you.

A bidet will change your life. Hello, Tushy slash church is here to stay, bitch, and you want to get in on this. I miss it. I miss it all the time when I was in Vegas. That's right. I missed it. I miss it when I went to Atlanta City. You have to go in the shower and bend over. It ain't the same fucking thing.

It's like going back to a VCR after Netflix. You got to bend down like you're praying at a synagogue or whatever the fuck with people with no shoes on and shit. Anyway, go to Hello, Tushie. slash church right now and get 10% off. And don't forget, you're short on money, you want to make a little extra baccala.

Go to lift.com slash Joey. That's lift.com slash Joey and get $500 signing bonus. New driver bonus, all right? A limited time only terms apply. Thank you for a great month in July. We'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday. Ready to rock around the clock, all right?

Like I said, the Ice House, Saturday, August 5th, 730. You stook it out into Pasadena or whatever the hell are you going. And then August 10th, the punchline in San Francisco. Have a great day. Stay black, bitches.