The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #504 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: August 3, 2017

Ari Shaffir, Comedian whose double special "Double Negative" is available on Netflix, calls in to talk with Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt about his own mental health journey and to offer some advice to Lee and anyone who may be struggling with mental health issues.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Meundies.com - Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first pair and free shipping. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 08/02/2017.  

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the meandi underwear of underwear, the OG. Go to meandis.com slash joy right now. Kick that mulee. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Wednesday, August 2nd, 2017. Here we go.

Kick it, Lee. Uh. Let's shout Shake your body down to the ground Look at you, you bad motherfuckers Thursday morning slinging dick Giving our bubblegum It's your type of weekend

Here we go And you do know that of much Oh shit What's happening you bad motherfuckers Uncle Joey here With my main Jewish savage Lee Syatt And Ari Shafir is on the phone

We had a great podcast We had a great response from you people. I had no idea that this was such a topic, you know. I really appreciate Lee talking about it the night because for the last, since he talked about, I haven't slept. I've just been thinking about this and reading up on depression. So what I did was I spoke to Lee and I would double check with Lee if it was okay. And we could have R.E. called then who dealt with this.

You know, he dealt with this for a while. and explain his challenges. What do you think, buddy? I'm excited. I'm excited to, it's been an amazing couple days, and I can't wait. I'm excited to take help from people.

For so long, I've been just trying to do everything myself, so it's nice to get help. Listen, nobody ever thinks they need help. We all feel like we got it covered until one day you actually go for help. You know, for a year, we'll fucking keep doing this.

same now I'm drinking diet cellar right I didn't eat cheese today until one day you go you know what I gained eight pounds I'm going away watch it or I'm having the surgery I'm doing that you know it always takes the end of a rope before you ask for help you know so it's it's it's naturally it's natural and on top of that mental health issues have such well not a stigmata the last couple years it's been more accepted people understand it more it's not like when I was growing up either you were fucking crazy or you weren't. If you went to somebody and said, I had suicidal thoughts, they'd punch you in the face 10 times and they'd send you home.

You know, nobody really understood those things 50 years ago, 20 years ago. I, to listen to different people speaking over the years, I could tell that I have a dab or something. I don't know what it is, but who the fuck cares? Get Ari on the phone. Let's get this party started. Yo Can you hear me now?

Yeah, I can't. Perfect. Ari Sharf is, what, God? What were you saying, kid? I said, poiseach. Perfect. What'd you have for lunch today? Nothing.

I'm fucking shitting. I had chili yesterday for some diner on the Upper East Side. I can't stop fucking shitting. What'd you have? I don't have some chili. Why the fuck would you have chili on the Lower East Side? Those fucking savages don't know how to make chili.

They're white people. Upper East Side. But up over. It don't matter. Up the east side is Harlemish. There's plenty of Spaniards up there. Oh, but Spanish people don't make fucking chili, Ari.

That's a white thing. You got to find people with cowboy hats and that eat cheddar cheese and raw onions. That's how you make a fucking chili. It was terrible. Yeah, fuck that shit. I don't trust the chili out here. Very seldom.

I just went somewhere where they had nice chili with the red fucking kidney beans. You go back to your hotel room. You fart up a storm in there. You got to open up the window. The window don't want to open. Anyway, Ari, a fucking little Jewish friend here the other day we're having a podcast. And we're just talking about different states of mind.

And he was talking about that at the time, you know, he seems like he has depression, you know. And he shocked the fuck out of me because he's got the girlfriend, the job, the car. He's got the Boston Red Sox Yamika. You know, for him to be depressed, I don't know what he's got to be depressed about. But I started thinking more and more about it and it related to your situation. When you first told me that you were feeling kind of weird and you had to take medication, I was in shock because you're the most happiest go-lucky guy I've ever met. What is the intro feelings to depression?

I mean, what do you feel at first? Just like everything's a little worse. You ever get like, you know, those commercials I do for like the new TVs and they show the old TV next to the new TV. Yeah. And the old TV, the picture is just like, you can tell what it is. It's just like, oh, that looks fine. And you see the new TV. You're like, oh, wow, that's my, that's HD.

That's vibrant. Oh, it's like if life is an HD, and then you go back to an old TV, it's just like, everything's a little worse. The Red Sox win a game instead of going, yes, you go, all right, that's cool. And then the negatives are just in your mind. They just get bigger. starts that way and then it gets worse and worse

to the point where it's almost like debilitating where you can't do anything because everything sucks it got to the point where it was like you know it might be a beautiful day out in February, it might be 75 degrees in February and it's like oh I love this weather you know it's sunny

it's great but then get to my car and it's like I gotta get gas I don't gas like oh this fucking sucks they get gas and it should have just being like a little nothing disruption of your day becomes like a major thing in your mind it's just like a it's like a sprain in your mind you just can't can't anything to do with like um

a misnomer yeah it did that same depression like you're depressed it's like should we call something else so it it has the same symptoms of just like you know when your team loses and you feel down and have the same sentence as that but it stays

and never goes away and then like after a while you know one or two days being depressed and normal depressed that's fine

you know you can deal with that clinical depression it just never goes away even if the thing gets solved you know maybe your sibling or your mom dies

and you get depressed and then like you get over that but the depression stays or if you lose your job that's a good one it's a lot of times a major thing

can throw you into it. So let's say you lose a job. And then, you know, you go into a depression. And then you find a better job, a better, you know, like higher paying and something you like doing more. The depression stays. I don't know what it is. So it's not about the job.

Job is just what got you hurt in the first place. And then it stays. That's when it starts getting real bad. Do you feel sad, Ari? I never really feel, I don't know. I feel down, but it's not like I want to cry. I don't feel sad. What you do?

It's, like, I don't know. It's not, it's weird. It's more just like, like, for me, it's more about I don't feel like I'm good enough. Like that, like, most of it's just negative stuff about myself. Like, if, like, I'll start thinking about, like, something that I, that I started doing is I would think, I would realize, like, I'd get into the day and I'd start thinking how long it had been since I had, like, a bad thought. Not like a bad, like I'm going to go kill myself, but like, some days you'd wake up and, like, the first thought in your head is just, like, shitty. And then other days it's good. And then, like, an hour, and you're like, oh, shit, that was my first bad thought.

And, like, it's weird. Like, it could be just, like, uh, like, for me, it's not really based around things I have to do. It's basically, like, what I, what I can't, when I personally can't do, why don't I have, why don't people, like, I don't think anyone likes me. Like, why didn't I have friends in elementary, like, going back to that. Like, for me, I think it's, it's. It's really related to how my, like, I don't, I don't want to say I had a bad childhood. It's just, I was thinking about it today. It's not like bullying is a really big thing right now.

And when you think of bullying, you think of like someone pushing you, someone punching you. And that happens. But it's, it's almost worse when you don't, like, I felt, I just felt left out as a kid. I don't know. I've always felt, and I don't know why I always wanted to be, I always wanted to just be normal. but for whatever we i don't know if i don't know if i'm just nerdy and then the kids didn't really who maybe maybe it's me maybe that's what like that's where i would go it's like maybe there's a reason why they didn't like me maybe he was because of this or maybe it was i said this and then i

think about like i'll think like today i was thinking about this thing this kid said to me before an eighth grade trip to an amusement park which has no bearing on my life at all but i'll spend hours on it yeah so that that's really where mine is i don't i don't know and that's why and i That's why people have been so amazing and generous in telling me to go talk to someone because I haven't had it diagnosed. So maybe the word depression isn't the right word for me. Maybe it's more anxiety or who knows exactly. Could be bipolar.

It could be like there's lots of things, maybe anxiety. There's like lots of different things. You end up getting caught in the stigma of like, you know, our exact definition or exact title for whatever you're feeling. But a lot of it just falls in the same. category is kind of like, it's kind of like just mental health. Right. So it's kind of like when people say drugs, what does drugs do to you?

And then you've got to be like, well, it can do a lot of things, but you really have time what drug you're talking about. You know, what meth does you is way different than what weed does to you. Right, but it's all under drugs and it's all, it's like mental health, that's a better word for it, yes. Right. So when you worry about too much about like, is this depression or anxiety, is there a bipolar disorder? Is it a bunch of other ones?

I'm not familiar with all of them. The main thing is just like your brain is a muscle and you can sprain it. You've got to get it set to get back. How long did you go undiagnosed, Ari, that you were feeling these emotions? For sure, for sure. Maybe a couple.

Telling Shandra, and I mentioned that I had thoughts of suicide, but they're just kind of like, I don't consider doing it, but I think about it. Yeah. That's, I mean, I can really, and not that, like, I even consider doing it or thinking about me doing it. It's just thinking about the idea of it, that, and then also, as weird as it sounds and as happy as I am doing what I do, the thought that I could just, like, I've been in a car and I'd be like, I could just leave right now. I have my wallet. I have my phone. I could just leave.

and for whatever reason those two things would help. Are you tiredly? Like physically tired? No. Uh, yeah. I'm tired of at all. Um, not at all. I don't like, and that's, and that's, honestly, that's a weird part about my, about the depression is part of the thing that I, like, I'm just negative about myself.

So when I'm getting depressed, I'll be like, I wouldn't even have the balls to commit. So it was like, like, as weird as that sounds, it would even get, like, I'd be like, I could never do that. I wouldn't have the balls to. to jump off something. No, I understand that. One thing that I, the reason why I wanted you to call, Ari, was because I know nothing about this topic, and I've read about it for hours and days. I've read about why I do the things I do.

You know how I am, Ari. I get high and I think about what made me rob that purse, what made me do this, what made me do that, you know, and I try to find answers for it. But after listening to you two guys for the first minute, like, and I think, I think I wrote this down when I was writing the beginning of the book like from the age of 16 to 23 maybe I read 22 I didn't want to kill myself but I didn't want to live either like do you know what I'm saying like I didn't want to kill myself but I just want to be close to my mom I was just waiting for a fucking truck to hit me I was just waiting to rob somebody and them for them to pull a gun out and shoot me like it just feel easier yeah like that's what it felt like you know and uh over the the years I got rid of those feelings and I don't wake up sad you know that's why I never understood like I understood your depression but not really you're my brother so you know I started talking to

you about it and I know that you went and spoke to somebody and it helped and everything changed you know and uh was there a process after you spoke to somebody well I spoke to a few people I spoke to a few people and I was already going to therapy just to like try it and that's when I spoke

to Shannon and she was like you should bring up those thoughts you're having for the therapist I was like you think so

and she was like yeah 100% it was it was okay so there's some tips they give you

well like okay so like Roken never could understand it's hard for a lot of people to understand where it's like

if you just get up and do some exercise your size, you'll feel better. But what people don't understand is, you can't get up and do exercise. You can't even go to the fridge. You can't even get up to go to the fridge. The idea of going out and going to, you know,

putting on a ghee and going out or putting on some running shoes and going running, it's so far past which are capable of doing. Because it affects you in a way. It's just not like you're depressed over a thing. It's just depression all the time. So like, so the people who like, would try to help me at first,

would give me tips like, get some sun, you know, get out, get some direct sunlight in your face for like, I mean,

every day, 15, 20 minutes directly, like, you know, in a row. I mean, every day.

There's other things, like when you're in the shower or any time, I found it easier in the shower. Just to say out loud, like five things you're thankful for or you're happy about.

And, um, There's a philosopher from the, I guess, early in the 200s, Frederick Nietzsche. He says that any time you, like, say something out loud, it actually solidifies it a lot more in your brain. So if I have, like, let's say a negative, let's say I don't like whomever. Say just lately, I'm just like, somebody's annoying me. If I don't say it, I can get over it. But then if I say out loud, fucking Pete, he just bothers me.

From then on, everything he does is going to bother me. So you go the opposite way, with positive things. You know, where if you say like, I think I love this girl. When you say it out loud, it's like, now you do. There's no going back. If you say some positive things in your life, it's sort of the same thing. You can actually improve their mood. My friend Mike Kaplan.

No, it wasn't Mike Kaplan, actually. It was somebody else. He moved to Los Angeles and he hated it. You know how people get with L.A. He hated it. People would ask him, like, It wasn't like that, but I forget who it was. People would ask him, like, do you like L.A.?

He goes, no, I hate it. And they'd ask him why. And he'd tell you the reasons why, and then they'd be fine, whatever. And then he got so sick of having to tell them the same answers, same reasons why he headed L.A. That he was like, I don't want to get in this conversation again. So he just started saying, when people like, do you like L.A., he just found it easier to go, yeah, I like it.

Instead of having to, like, say the same thing over and over again, the smog, and there's no change of seasons. or people are shallow, whatever it was. And then people would ask him, like, what do you like about L.A.? And then he'd say, like, you know, it's sunny. He'd try to think of something. Boretos are everywhere, you know.

And then after a while, saying that, he found that he started to like L.A. He started to focus on these positive things, just verbally, only as a tactic to avoid having dumb conversation. But it really starts to, affecting his mood. He started actually liking the city. So I'm not saying those things will work.

I think you should go see somebody and talk to somebody. How did you, how did you, uh, pick the person that you went to go see? Because that's, people have been asking me for a while. And one of my issues is that I have trouble. And then I don't know, maybe there is a reason why, but I can't think of the reason why I have trouble trusting people. I don't like opening up right away. Yeah, well, you got to find somebody you like. There's no, uh, if you don't like that person, the first person you go talk to, um, no harm,

no foul, just go switch. Do you go for like one or two times? How, how long did you get? Because I've never been to a single session. It's pretty fun, man.

It's pretty fun. It's like having a one-way conversation. It's like having a conversation where the person's only interested in what you're saying. That's weird for me. That, like, see, that's, that goes back to what I was saying as a kid.

Like, I, like, I don't think there's been a conversation that I, I, I don't have, like, when, when Joey holds court or when,

when I see comedians talk, That makes me real uncomfortable. I've always been a quiet person. Yeah, I know, because a lot of that's just thinking, like, I was the same way. A lot of it's like, I'm not interesting or I'm not. We had these ice breakers in high school who did this thing. I mean, somebody's saying that. We had to meet somebody else and then say something interesting about yourself.

And I got there late. I was somewhere else. I got there late. I guess they'd give them the rundown of what you're supposed to do and say something interesting about yourself. So when I got caught up, the girl who's telling me like we have to say something interesting about yourself

I said I don't really have anything interesting by myself and she goes wow that's what the guy said people are going to say like you didn't you weren't here for that part but you said that's what your natural tendency is to say like my stuff my life is just not that unique and she's like

she said the guy the moderator and said that's just wrong you can find something interesting but I get it when you're around Joey Diaz It's like up to like, butt in. You don't want to be that guy who's like. Right. And it's weird. Like I'm not, I obviously don't butt in, but it's, it's like the, I almost wish I had

gone and seen somebody before like five or six years ago because my, I mean, parts of my depression have gotten a little bit that like just as depression grows, it gets a little bit stronger, but other parts of my personality that were weaker, the shyness and the willingness to talk to people. that was way worse. And maybe I was almost protecting myself in a way. I don't know. Like maybe,

because I've always been, I always like staying inside by myself. I was never really, like the idea of going out every Thursday, Friday, sad. I went to like two parties a year. That was it.

I was never that kind of guy. And maybe I really wanted to be. I felt I wanted to be, but then I wouldn't have fun when I was there. And then I, but then, yeah, I knew this even as a kid is like,

Like, I felt like I wasn't getting invited places, and that would bum me out, but then I wouldn't call anybody. So part, like, thinking about it the last couple days has really got me thinking how important, like, childhood is. I don't, like, it just, I don't know. For me, and I just seems like a lot of it goes back to stuff that I've been doing my whole life. Yeah, that could be. There's something definitely a therapist can help you get to. They can guide your thoughts. So is that what they do?

They just start a conversation and ask you questions and stuff like that? Actually questions. You just talk. It's just here innocuous. Like, what you do today? Okay. That's cool. Do you like, I have a breakfast sandwich?

Do you like that? Preface sandwiches? Yeah. You get up earlier in a lot? No, not really. Oh, really? When do you normally get up? And they're just like, they just start you're talking.

And then you'll find that you'll end up dealing with. stuff that you haven't really dealt with. I haven't really said out loud. Joey even said something to me before the podcast on Monday. He said something over the fun. I forget why we were talking about it. But he's like, you don't like confrontation. And I hate it.

I don't. And I feel like that's part of, I feel like that's going to be part of the issue. Because there's people in my life right now who, if I go to therapy, there's going to be some issues brought up. Like, not huge ones, but it. It's things that I've put aside. Like you just push aside in your brain and you keep dealing with people because you're supposed to.

You've known them forever or whatever the reason is. And it's, that's a scary part too. Because I don't want to, because then I've also, and I don't like using this word, but I've become good at lying to people. Like just about lying to people.

Like, oh, or did this upset you or was this, did this make you angry or did I hurt your feelings? No, no. everything's and that's and that's weird it's depression isn't feeling bad but like I have and I think part of it is I have a very thin skin I've always and I don't know like that's it just gets to me I don't know what that is no Ari how long did you stay talking to somebody until you started

seeing or feeling a little better or the cloud started to go away how long well honestly um the therapy itself didn't help me get over the depression it was it was pills okay and what type of pills do they give you type I don't want to get into because everyone's mind works a little different okay um so what works there's there's two things that can cause depression it's a lack of noropreneffin too much noropreneffin a lack of a lack of serotonin or too much serotonin so then you need a pill to either like let's say you have a lack of serotonin you need a pill to give you more serotonin or if you have too much serotonin a different pill will like lower the amount of serotonin going to your system so you have four different things and then they have

different pills that can work on those so let's say it's you have a lack of serotonin that's i think a common one um there's a few different pills that can like help regulate that help push that higher and they're not all going to work and some of them come with tight effects that aren't the best. So you've got to regulate, like you got to be with a professional that'll tell you like, we're going to do this slowly

and move up in dosage and they stay with you in terms of like, but what are your side effects? They can range anywhere from, from, donor problems to like weight gain to increase,

you know, thoughts of suicide. Is that with a low serotoninari? I'm sorry to interrupt. Is that the results of the low serotonin? The weight gain. It could be low serotonin. It could be too much serotonin.

Okay. The general one is low serotonin. Now, when I was doing blow, is that what I, remember they say when you do coke, you demolish your serotonin? That's why the crash the next morning is so devastating on cocaine. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. Because it's like now you've shot a bunch of serotonin just to.

And now it's like your body, I think it's something along this line. Something along those lines, right. Yeah, your body's down like, okay, he's making plenty. We don't need to make. And then when the Coke or the MDMA, like, not producing it, then so that you're not getting any. Yeah. So then you need to, like, yeah, it could definitely have the day after Molly, people get depressed. Really depressed, right?

The morning after cocaine. and when you wake up your world is fucking done, you know? Yeah, but that's not a long-term thing. So think about it in terms of this. You're playing basketball, you tweak your ankle. It hurts. You either can walk it off or you're like, I'm done, I've got to put ice on this.

And then tomorrow you're okay. Now compare that to the brain, so the same sort of thing, where you might just get like, let's see you do coke and you get this depression. and it's okay tomorrow you'll be okay it'll be bad today but tomorrow you'll be okay but then sometimes your ankle

is fully sprained and it's not going to be okay the next day or the day after that even if you walk on it's just not going to get any better and it's going to heal wrong it's kind of like that where it's like this isn't one you can just walk off so you have to deal with it

you got to go in deal with it other times that it won't work or that you'll get the wrong guy I know Nick Yusuf was scared that he'd become like a zombie if he got on the pills but here's the great thing you can just

go back you don't have to keep saying somebody you hate and if the pills that you get you know I'll tell you the right way to do it

no one's gonna force you if you don't deal with stuff comes up absolutely I have a kind of a odd question wouldn't you work because I know

from just hearing you on podcast and just talking you used to play poker a little bit? Mm-hmm. Was that during your depression? Or when was that? Okay.

And I was just wondering, because I've been going through like a six months, two years. I'm not going broke. I don't bet the rent, but I probably play a little bit more blackjack than I showed. And I was thinking maybe I'm trying to do. Maybe I'm chasing the happiness when you win.

I don't know. I was just trying to, I was just thinking of it. I mean, it could be, if I've known someone who was close to, was, They had a gambling addiction and then

found out later they hit depression at the same time and then it was like they just stayed home all day and play online poker and just like a blackjack and just like try to fill the void

I'm not really sure if it was like the rush negative feelings yeah that's how I started playing but it's you know it's like you don't necessarily start drinking to cover up depression but man once you're already drinking I'm anyway

and now how long did you stand medication before before you abandon ship on it. Are you drinking late? Am I drinking? No. I really, I don't drink. My issue is the food. That's what my issue is.

Okay. Yeah, there's a relief from depression and long term it makes it work on that. How about the refa? Short-term relief, long-term, no effects, either way. Okay, that's good. I thought about that. Yeah, I thought about that. And I asked my doctor, said the guy who's like really good.

but what if it's that? I didn't want to face it. And finally, I was like, hey, man, just see you know, I smoke a lot of pot. And he was like, no, the studies have shown that's not an issue. I thought it would be because of the thoughts you get. Sometimes when you get too high, you're by yourself. Maybe you do an edible. Maybe your mind might go in the wrong place for years.

With the acid, you know, when people have a bad trip, that's what it is. They took the acid in the bad state of mind. mind. Yeah. And it took them somewhere. That's interesting. I said, acid never,

I was sad, but like, I don't know. Whenever I come here, I never really had that issue. And I never, acid never really gave me those thoughts. I do sometimes on,

we talked about it last, that just sometimes when I'm alone, they come in, but they tend to go away a little bit just because you're stone, so your brain kind of wanders. So I guess that helps a little bit. It can be a little bit more intense for a second,

just because you're, like, focusing on it, but then it goes away quicker. I think. I know there was one part. Well, the studies of the Reefers is not an issue with that. Okay.

Because somebody told Lee on Twitter, get off the reefer and I was like, what the fuck's he talking about? Last question. You guys think, like, is this a possibility? But then really you should defer to medical science

and not like it seems like, you know, it seems like there's really no basis in reality. But I'll tell you something. Like, so I was on him for a few years. Eventually, my doctor was like,

You know, the problem, like, it's kind of like a cast might be fixed now. But you don't really know if you take the cast off. So after a few years, we, like, we talked about it. And then it was like, all right, let's start slowly going off this. Keep, you know, keep me updated. Keep the people in your life updated. That way, if you start, like, getting real erratic, they can be like, hold on, man, you're asking weird.

And then you call your doctor. I'm like, hey, my friend told me, I'm acting weird, you know, as I'm lowering this. And he'll probably tell you, okay, get back on the regular. dosage and let's talking two weeks. Let me ask you this. You showed your ass home

I'm punched drunk. Did you consider calling the fucking vet and telling them you're fucked up again? No. So, recently, it's the thing you've got to deal with. It's just going to stay,

just going to cover it up, like, like, you know, my apartment when it's all fucking messy. Right. Just add layers to it. And then it comes out, I was just like in watching nine-inch nails.

I just never dealt with it. crying in front of my friends. You got to deal with this stuff. What did the medicine do for you? How do you feel when the medicine is working? You don't feel it when the medicine is working. It's like you just don't, it doesn't give you allation. It doesn't give you like elation or like sparring things.

It's just like it's just back to where you were. where you're like Bad days are bad You know But it's not lingering Your character gets killed off On a show That'll feel bad

But it's not data for three weeks It'll stay it for one day Okay And then And when your team wins You can fucking celebrate fully When your team loses You can fucking

You can be in misery for a day But just for a little bit Doesn't like dampen everything If you get on a hill That does that You need to get in another pedal There's plenty out there what a what's the the motivation for getting off of it like it just just me if if if something

helped me I would be like oh I want to stay on this it's working mm-hmm after a while I noticed I hadn't I hadn't like been in love for a few years I didn't know if it was that and at some point the doctor was like you could maybe think about what in the office do you want I'm like nah I don't need to yet I don't want to risk it and then I started thinking maybe it is time to pay you back off also just you know 50 bucks a month less than I was spending or whatever it was that wasn't a main issue but I was like why not why have to take everything every morning if you're getting on the road I had to go to a pharmacy in Canada and try to

get it just be a little easier not being on there not much but a little so I was like maybe it's time why you want the medication with any side effects Did you sell? Different ones. When I was on Weld-Butrin, I couldn't come. I didn't know that was even a side effect until it was happening. And then I looked them up and I was like, oh, that is a side effect. So it wasn't even like psychosomatic.

You could be expected to gain 15% of your body weight. I did that. But that one didn't even really work. So I went back off it. I lost the weight back. You know, there's side effects. It hits everyone a little different. You gotta be with a medical profession.

So there's two types of therapists, the types of prescribed stuff, and the types of talks to you. You should try the kind of the talks to you first. You don't really make progress after a few months, then start thinking about pills. Or whatever they say. How do you feel now? I can tell you the guy that Rogan sent me to.

It was, anyway, $180 a visit. So it was a little expensive, and they don't take insurance. The ones that insurance takes, I'll tell you now that I'm not as good. Okay. I mean, I had a lady tell me, like, well, I don't know what to tell you. And I was just accepted. I was like, all right, I'll just work up a courage and eventually kill myself. She was bad.

So you find someone who's good at their job and someone else you mesh with. The one for 180. You want massages from a lady and sometimes want massages from a man. And vice versa. The one for 180, you were going every week. Ari? Which one? The one for 180, you were going every week?

No, not every week. It was less than that. Every two weeks, every week to start, and then every two weeks, every month. He wasn't looking to shake me down. It wasn't like that. It was like an honest car repair place, but like, hey, just so you know,

this is a big of me six. Not yet, but probably the next 10,000 miles. This guy was kind of like that, but he was just like, you can start coming less. You know, he started to get him better. And then he would be like, by the end he was like, come one more time, six months. So he's not looking to shake you down for money. He's got money acquiring. Do you still keep in touch with him?

He was great with his job. Do you still keep in touch with him from time to time? No, if I had a problem, I would call him immediately. Do you not have, do you have, like, someone you talk to now or any medicine to take every time? if something bad happens, or are you just totally off everything? I'm off everything. If something bad happens, if it's like a day or two, I'm like, whatever, but after a couple days and start looking at it and go,

let me save this days. Like, I'm conscious of it. The other problems become, you get this weird thing where you start, like, feeling like your depression is part of your family, and you don't want to go away because it's part of who you are. Weird. It's not that. don't want it to go away.

Part of it is scary. Because who knows, maybe I'm using it as an excuse now for certain things. Like, maybe, because when you were talking about, like, oh, you can't go out, I wouldn't feel like, oh, I can't go out and do this. But I, like, I would just find myself for, like, three, four hours after I'd get up, just, like, not, just not wanting to get out of bed. Like, I'd get on my phone for a second and I'd turn over and try to sleep, but then I couldn't sleep.

and like it just play something else man that phone is a problem yeah I don't like to preach on it too much it comes up I don't like to preach but I'll tell you it's I've seen studies that there's some stuff

that it does it makes you unable to sleep staring at the screen physically makes you unable to sleep it takes something away from your eyeballs some sort of coding that if you get up in the middle a night and just look at it for 30 minutes you can't just fall right back to sleep it makes you stay awake kind of like when you play video games for 30

straight hours. Down on the screens, does something to you, and you're right next to it. But also it fills you with, like, a desire to be connected to this thing. Yeah, it's considered, like, not getting on that

phone while you're in bed. Okay. Not getting another wall until you're outside. That could work. Make yourself get outside, then check it. And it's hard for me because I've always, I'm a tech guy. I was never a sports guy, so all this stuff

is stuff that I've always found comfort in movies, TV, computers when they came out I always enjoyed them so I guess maybe it's a safety I feel like that's what we've been talking about it like Joey and I said like safety and then

he even mentioned and on Monday is just idle hands never really and so like that's why I'm excited about talking to someone so that maybe I could get and I like that idea maybe keep the phone because Joe you do that too right you keep the phone out of your bedroom you keep it in the bedroom I don't take it into

the gym I do not I do a lot of things with that phone. I give my mind a break on purpose. You know, I see these things on Twitter. Five ways to get less addicted to your phone. Listen, I don't do shit on this fucking phone. It really doesn't mean nothing to me. I got Twitter and Hotmail.

Those are the most important things to me on this phone. I don't Uber. I don't know how to do anything. I don't know how to do anything. When the lift guy picks me up, he does it for me. I call him on the personal side. and he picks me up and he throws the numbers in there for me. I don't, yeah, I don't look shit up on my computer, you know, I don't Google shit, none of that, none of that.

I don't even know how to do it. I don't even know how to do it. Like if you ask me, where is it a Chinese restaurant, I wouldn't know how to fucking do it. I don't like my phone as much as most people. I have it just because I like, I have a new thing in there to write, but besides that, I don't, you know, Arii, I watched, you know, you, do kind of a 360, but I never, you know, when you were starting to get the depression, I was on the road where you were, Rogan, we were at, we were, and I wouldn't see it, you know, the erratic behavior, I just thought you were fucking crazy, so who am I to judge you?

I am. So when you took this trip to this last year, wherever the fuck you went, you were, you were drug-free and just riding on yourself, that's why you were probably having, I'm putting all these pieces together right now, Ari. Like, I'm putting... Well, yeah, I mean, there's things that go into making you feel negative, you know, and a lot of that is

that phone, a lot of its responsibility, having to be places. I mean, it was pretty happy when I got back because I was free from any responsibility, plus the fun and the fun, but, like, nobody was counting on me for anything. That shit's annoying, so you got to take breaks from that, too.

But isn't, like, when I, when I, when you went on that trip, I was, I was, jealous. I was very like, that's something that I would always, that seems very cool to me. That seems very fun. But, like, when I'm like, oh, yeah, it would be fun to not have any responsibilities. I'm like, oh, like, then I get negative about, like, just that thought. Like, maybe, like, why shouldn't everyone else works every day? Like, why, like, why do I need

this break? Like, why, like, I don't know. Like, it just, you get, I got negative about that. I think everybody needs that break. You think everyone needs a break? Everybody needs a break. You're absolutely right? Yeah, yeah. America has less vacation time than any other country in the world. I was listening already to your podcast, I think it was two weeks ago with a traveler, and you were talking about the leap year. And that's, I remember this feeling when I was graduating high school. Like, I just wanted to, I've always wanted to be an adult and just be working. But I never really had, it was just like the idea of being an adult.

So I left school early. I left, I worked, I took summer classes so I could graduate a semester early and just start working. And listening to what you guys were saying makes me like, I wonder maybe if I should have just taken. And I liked, I thought I liked what I was doing in editing and stuff like that, but maybe I should have taken a year off. And maybe I would have found I should have been a chef in Frank. Like, I don't know. Like, it's just a weird. Well, how old really?

29. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think there's like a, I'm supposed to be anything, but there is that point in your life. I think it's right around that where it's like, am I doing the right thing? I don't think the leap year comes to, like, help you find what you're supposed to be in life. I think there is nothing. You're supposed to be.

You just do. But I think it just gives you relief. Like, so summer breaks we used to get in high school and college. They were great. They were two months off. And you can go back into your fucking regular life refreshed. And afterwards, you don't get that shit anymore. And it's just like, it just builds and build and builds.

You're like, I need a fucking break. I need a break. You got to see somebody, man. You've got to see a therapist. They're not bad. They're pretty fun. You'll start to like it pretty soon. You probably won't like your first guy no matter who it is,

just because, like, just because it's, like your first one. But you can just start it. Do you have insurance or no? Oh yeah, I have insurance and actually some people reached out and we're going to look into my plan and see what I had available. So I'm definitely going to do it. I mean, do you, like, do you have any recommendations for things to look for or things to ask

when you're looking for a therapist? No. I mean, I always thought I needed a woman at first. My friend Pete was like he could only open up to women. there's trouble opening up to men and then I got a man I was like oh no this is actually easier for me to open up to him

but I didn't know that going in it's kind of like and then it might not be it might not be gender based you might get somebody younger or somebody older um and also your friends themselves

aren't like the same thing you know like Diaz is fucking 75 and then you know somebody I'm joking no I tell them the same listen

You're preaching to the choir. I tell him all the time just to go to Jiu-Jitsu because he could talk to kids of the 29 and 28. He spends his time with me and Steve Simone. That's not healthy. That's not healthy with two fucking morons. And then he sees run as easy. So everybody's 20 years ahead of him.

You know, he has his girlfriend who's maybe his age. And I've told him a thousand times to go to a simple jiu-jitsu school. you know, I see that where I go, Alberto Crane, there's five or six guys that are in their 20s. They do everything together. They love each other.

They drink. They, they go to parties. You know, I envy them. I don't have the time. So I've told Lee for fucking three years. Lee,

you can't keep hanging out with me and Simone and your wife. You have to get out of that circle. Yeah. It doesn't necessarily have to be jujitsu, but it's something social. Absolutely. Absolutely. You know,

when you go to 24-hour, fitness you don't talk to nobody in north hollywood no no no if you volunteer to sit kitchen or if you fucking get like a not even a big brother thing but just join a club of some kind and then like a trivia night anything man a softball league it's just

like you'll make friends that way and everyone else has a job and office they go to and there's like 30 other people in the office and you make your best five friends you like there the most and you know that's just however you mesh with but then you get stuff in the life that we have and you don't

see anybody. You don't meet new people and it becomes kind of weird. So that's not a bad idea. It's just go out and meet people from hell. Put you up in a position where you will meet them. You can't be, you know. I mean, I gotta tell you, brother, I would not have to listen to you

and Lee and the podcast the other night. I've had bouts with it. Last night, I went to the comedy store. I had two spots. I was at the comedy store from 10 to 9 and I left the 20 to 12. Oh, Ari, do you know I had a great fucking time? Yeah.

With Ron White and talking to, you know, Dean Delray and Kevin Neeland, three months ago, did you talk to me? I didn't want to go to the fucking comedy store. No, he didn't. Those are parts of, we all suffer from something. You know, I think it's time for me. I hired a hypnotherapist when I was having problems with my breathing, and I would go to it.

I got to tell you something, those 10 sessions, I felt a lot better. just because I had somebody to rap that was neutral. Because like you said, Ari, we have a thousand friends. The shit we got, they're not going to figure out. They're going to brush it off. It's like Rogan didn't understand it. I don't understand depression sometimes. I feel horrible because I call Lee at 6 in the morning.

You know me, Ari. And I'll tell them, get out there, cocksucker. Go get some son. Go for a walk. And now I feel bad because you said that there's times that you see that. but that that seems like a fucking hike up a mountain to you just to go outside and get out or walk to the refrigerator

so I have to apologize because I didn't know where I was coming from I mean for me I it wasn't I appreciate that like it's you were on me when I was 300 pounds to go work out and it's weird like I don't know I never really I haven't had like huge it's always just been there so it's not like sometimes it's worse sometimes it's better but I haven't had like uh

I'm not getting out of it's not getting out of bed for weeks at a time. I haven't been at that level. So, like, when I started working out, it was essentially just because you kept asking me, and I hated saying I wasn't doing it. So then, like, I started doing it, like, I would just do it. And I don't do it. The issue is, like, I, there's sticking with it, is, like, I would go out for a day and be in the sun. I did it, like, two days last week. But then I get busy, and I started thinking, oh, I need, I need to do this for this person or I'm supposed to do this or and then it goes away and then the depression comes back. So like a part of it is I need to be better about doing it every day, doing whatever I do

for it every day. How do you feel today, Ari? Today I feel honestly, I stayed in bed too long looking at my computer and answering emails and I didn't get out and get to the sun. Now it's raining. So I kind of missed it. But once I get outside, I'll feel better. Once I get out among people, I'll feel better I know by now that's what happens Where's your head out today? Where's your head at today? Like where's your head at

Just in general? Do you feel anything? I mean I feel great In general everything's fine Yeah I'm having a good time In my head I'm okay now

Now in closing Is there any advice You could give somebody That's going through I mean Ari we just had Fucking one of the biggest musicians just one night

hang himself. Yeah. Like just fucking hang himself. Okay? I mean, I can't stop listening to the guy for the last since he hung himself. And then two weeks ago, the other guy from Lincoln Park hangs himself. You know, there's people that have their stupid theories. Listen, it's something that's not right there. Yeah. Something was

not right with Cornell for him to do this. And I've got to be honest with you. And what we do, you know, what kind of We could lose our minds the same way, Ari. We're all going to fucking die, but I would hate to die in that situation. I mean, nobody's here forever. But what would force you, you know, to sell out a fucking club, have a great show, you have wife or kids at home,

you got money in the bank, you got publishing, he was in three different bands, and one night after a show, and fucking Detroit of all places, he hangs himself. That scared the shit out of it. Just jerking off. You what? Some people say that it was just jerking off.

Oh, like the guy from In excess? Yeah. And the guy from the karate guy. Carradine? Yeah. Is that what they're saying there? Yeah, because it's like no note. And also, like, he came himself from a doorknob.

It's just like, it's a weird, why not a beam? Um, you know, it's like, why that way? People, like, let me read your poem. Because this is what people, how people don't understand, um, uh, depression and what it looks like. People are successful so you can never get it. It's called Richard Corey. I just looked it up. Um, whenever Richard Corey went to, went downtown, uh, weed people on the pavement looked at him.

He was a gentleman from soul to crown, clean favored, imperially slim. He was always quietly arrayed, and he was always human when he talked. But still, he fluttered pulses when he said, good morning. And it glittered when he walked. And he was rich. Yes, Richard and a king. And admirably schooled in every grace. And fine, we thought he was everything to make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked and waited for the light and went without meat and cursed the bread. and Richard Corey when calm summer night went home and put a bullet through his head. You know, things aren't what they seem. You get some weird stuff at your head. You've got to figure it out. It's not about how you're doing

and how good your job is and how good your friends are. It's about something else. So those are things you should do right now, get some sun every day, try to say those five positive things every day in the shower. Yeah, Steve Simone,

he ends his podcast doing that. And when we first started, it was hard for me. It was weird. Yeah. Like, I didn't know what I would pick small things. And he would pick really big, like, really, like, I always felt like my list wasn't as good as his. But that has helped.

It's been an interesting, I don't know what you called, study. Yeah, do those every day. And then start, call your insurance provider today. You should do it today. And get yourself a therapist. first. And the one you talk to will tell you if you need a different one.

Just get started. It might be boring at first. But even with a shitty sag insurance, I got 10 free visits or, you know, co-pay visits, like 20 bucks a pop or something. For fucking Obama care. I didn't drop it off everybody on plan B.

But you get some visits. Use them. Like, get in there now. make the call after you go out the phone with me. Or get someone who can help you, like, fix what's in your brain. Because you want to get back to a place that's happy. Yeah, absolutely. It's, thank you, Ari.

I'm definitely going to call, and it's, I don't know, I don't know why I've been so hesitant to try it. I think there's a lot of reasons of stigma. Like, I don't want to be a guy who has to go to the therapist, but everybody's on it. Everybody goes, especially in LA, there's no stigma there. Or also, like, I want to be able to do it for myself. That's all bullshit.

It's all bullshit. you know it's just like just get it done but none of that matters you call the fire department when you have a fire you know you gotta put it out yourself brothers this has been as educational as can be

the last two days after listening to that podcast and seeing the comments and what's been going on I didn't know this was this big of an issue and if I've said something negative in the podcast. Any time I apologize

for everybody who's going to this. My brother, we'll talk tomorrow. I'm happy you called up and what concert you're going to tonight? Fish. Look at you, you bad motherfucker you. Where are you going to see him at? Massachusettsburg Garden,

oh my God. Well, listen, brother, have a great time. I'm happy you shared with the church family and I'm sure they'll take care whatever the fuck they got to take care of, especially this little fucking Jew over here next to me. but I love with all my heart.

I love you. Yeah, it's just like you have people to care about you. And I'm like, you can, you can make yourself feel better. Take a few steps. As much as I've talked about how I didn't feel like I had that support in the past. The past couple days has been amazing. There's been a lot of people reaching out from people listening to the podcast and comedians and people that I've done work with.

So it's been a, that that's kind of, nice. I focus a lot on stuff that happened in the past and I don't really look at what's going on now. So it's nice when you reach out and people like, oh yeah, it's actually we were here for you. So it's been a very nice couple days.

Yeah. I'll leave you one other tip that I got from a Buddhist fucking monastery somewhere in Myanmar. This guy just trying to explain Buddhism to me. And he said the Buddha says that all suffering, all human suffering comes from living in the past to the future.

And if you live in the present, you won't have that. I didn't understand what that means. And he said, okay, he goes, um, he goes, what country are you? I was like, America. And he goes, okay, it was broken English. And he was like, how many friends do you have? And I was like, I know, 60, 50, 40, I don't know. Depends what you said, it's 40, let's say 40.

And he was like, no, you're not listening to me. All suffering comes to living in the past of the future. And he goes, what country are you? I was like, oh, all right. I was like, me and Marr. He's like, yeah, just how many friends you have? I'm like, one, you. But worrying it comes from like, what am I done to do with my life

or what have I done in the past? It's like, it doesn't matter. You're here right now, wherever you are. You're with your friend, Joey. Things are pretty good. You know? Yeah, absolutely. You have planned stuff, but it's hard to do.

If you can live in the present, it helps you a little too. No, I think that would be my big goal. Yeah, that would be my goal to talk to someone. I think that's my biggest problem even without depression even like leaving the depression aside so that's And that's just not Lee I'm talking for everybody who listens to this podcast Who's feeling a little weird man that's it we've opened up a An animal here and I'm happy that we did I love you buddy

All right love you too Thank you for the call thank you for opening up man Yeah Yeah interesting as shit I'm uh I know in the five years I've been doing the podcast I've never understood depression. So when Lee came up with this the other night, it blew me out of the fucking water.

I mean, I basically didn't sleep that night because I didn't see it. And I always take pride at least noticing something. We're seeing things, you know, I do notice, you know, now that we've all put it out in the open, when pain, all that shit affects us in a lot of ways, you know, later on. Like when I came out here, I had that fast weight gain, you know.

When I got in 97, right like a year later, I had this weight gain. I kept getting letters from my ex-wife telling me the sign my daughter's rights over. And the pain of that made me feed the fucking hole. You know, I mean, pain, it all works a certain way, you know. I see little things with you now that why we have the procrastination issues, you know. I gave you a sheet of paper, money. day yesterday you should you know you got to gone there and signed up for this you know you always put things in front of the most important things and you cannot do that in your life and I've

told you a thousand times it's like you went to Einstein the next day you didn't go because you had to pick up business cards you don't need business cards at all at all you gave away one business card since that day right they're sitting there getting dust but you've always put those things and you don't do it when it comes to the work, which is here, so it has nothing to do with me. You know, I was doing projects to other people that you go to the house and they're not doing the project you did with them. They're doing something else and they're complaining.

You don't do that. You take it, you do it to yourself. 100%. 100%. I'll always put myself last, which is the weight gain, which is not exercising, which is not going i didn't go to the dentist for like five years it just i don't know it's listen i did all these same things and when i went up to 418 pounds it wasn't because i was going to the gym every day it wasn't because i was eating right it wasn't it was because there was parts of me that i didn't know where my

life was going i didn't give a fuck i didn't give a fuck and then something weird happened on the way to the dance i fell in love i realized that the person i was with wasn't just some fucking chick that I had been with before. This was a woman who actually cared about me and if something would happen to me, it would fucking kill her. She's that type of person because she was involved in it, you know?

Right. There's days I call you and I'll say different things to you on the phone. And then I'd hurt for it. I'm just trying to fucking get you, get the fuck out of a goddamn house because this is a gift that nobody could give you. I wasn't born with it

when I realized that the world didn't owe me nothing is when I put it into gear I know I say a lot of things that you go off the phone and go what the fuck doesn't this guy want to live doesn't this guy want to do things you know I'm 54 and I know what was important for me

and I know where I wasted my time and nothing bothers me more than the wasted time I did in my life Nothing. There's nothing that boggues me. Do me a favor. Give these shoutouts while I'd like to go take a little peepie-poohie. Green tea before I came. Hello, everybody. Thank you so much. I just want to say thank you to everyone who's emailed or Twitter or everyone. It's been an amazing couple days. Mr. Lalingis, Bob Lillings, thank you so much. Bud King, Perdibh, 007. Mark Non-smoking Narc.

Corey Smelly Brian Howard Couchy 11211 Slead Bell Jerry Brown and Michael Cessaroni

Thank you so much Ookie Spooky has been out there Agostino Di Agostino's been out there Josh Wolf has been out there helping me Theo Vaughan's been very nice just everybody I just want to say thank

Thank you and shout out to the church family. All right. He gave you a little shoutouts. Plus, I also need a big favor from you guys tomorrow night. Tomorrow night is August 3rd. And on TBS tomorrow night, a guest that was on the show, Greg Garcia, his show premieres. What's the name of the show? It's called the guest book on TBS on it.

It's great. It's August 3rd. I believe it's 10 p.m. or 9 p.m. It's on TBS. It's a hysterical show. And the best part about it, every week it's going to be different. It's an amazing and amazing show. Please go watch it.

Please go watch it. Now, I want to talk to you about something before we get the fuck out of here and you're going to figure out, I'm a pretty fucking boring guy. Lee will tell you, I'm as boring as they come. If you ever look at my Facebook and Twitter feeds, they're basically the same shit every day. But the thing that I put on there the most, that I want you people to notice,

it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I put that up to every day. In my journal, when I wake up every morning, that's the first line. The first line in my journal is Wednesday, August 2nd, 2017. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. God gave me another chance to live. What do you think I write those dumb things every day?

It's a beautiful day to be alive. Because I'm telling myself. I'm telling myself from 6 to 10, I'm not a regular person. From 6 to 10, I'm trying to let me know. Because for years, I woke up saying it was going to be a shitty day. For 30 fucking years, I woke up saying it was going to be a shitty fucking day. For the last 15 years, every time I wake up and I say, it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. And I tell you, I love telling somebody on the street when I'm stoned to the day.

gills and I'm going to do something and they go good morning and I look at them and I go it's a beautiful little bit to be alive and they just look at me that is the dumbest sentence that could ever come out of my mouth people but I put that on Twitter every fucking day for a fucking reason to remind me how fucking much of a beautiful day it is to be alive you know I have a joke on stage now listen guys as my as dumb as this sounds I don't smoke pot because I want to be cool I'm gonna tell you motherfuckers right now I never gave a fuck about nothing of that shit. You either like me or you didn't. I smoke pop because I really needed it. When I get up in the morning, I'm just like you, Lee. My first 10 steps, 20 steps are

scratching schedules, telling myself how I'm going to cancel the spot at the store because I'm just going to bomb. I'm going to cancel this audition because I'm not going to get it. You know what? I'm going to talk to my wife about maybe moving out because when I get them, I get all those thoughts. I go in, I drink coffee, and I get you. get a blank piece of paper. I do this every day the last maybe 14 years. Do you want to talk about why my life has changed? Absolutely. Because that was the secret. There was a book years ago called The Warriors Way or the artist's way and all these fucking Gentiles went crazy over it. But it's like everything else. They read it. They did the exercises for two weeks. Then they moved on with

dead life. I've been doing that. I have notebooks upon notebooks in a box in my closet from 1998 where I decided one day instead of writing my comedy sets out, no more comedy. I don't give a fuck about comedy. I do comedy every night is to wake up in the morning and dump on that paper. There is not a thing that I don't write out. If I have a problem with somebody, when Caparulo did the second podcast and people were calling me up at my house, house and after the things he was saying, I didn't call him, I didn't take it to Twitter, I went in a notebook and I wrote the situation out and the situation disappeared out of my mind. From everything that I'm hearing from Ari, like it seems like you've figured out ways

to make yourself better almost, I guess. Every day your job as a human being is to be a little better than the day before. What does that mean? that if you woke up and you're 700 fucking pounds and you said enough of this fucking lifestyle, today I'm going to walk three steps and I'm going to clean my ass myself. Tomorrow I'm going to walk four steps.

Ever since I started living that lifestyle. And listen, guys, listen, I can sit here and tell you, I've been living this lifestyle since maybe I was 40. I'm not going to lie, nobody, and tell you I invented this. But what happens when you're 40? I let it go that far. I was that frustrated between the addiction, the criminology, to fucking eating bad. And there's a point where you've been at a point where you're eating that six slice of pizza, and you know it's bad for you.

You talked about wanting to go get the Coke. I know it's bad. I think I just like going. I think maybe because I like thinking about the food. Because, yeah, as soon as you start biting, you're like, this doesn't even taste. Like, even when I was still going to fast food, the first fast food, the first fast food. food to go was Taco Bell because I had I just had like three bad like I was throwing half the food away even when I was stoned I tell you like that's how I knew it was terrible I

guarantee that if you start talking to somebody you take this seriously yeah I guarantee that you lose 80 pounds off the bat because this is all connected yeah I think this is all connected because you're telling me I mean you do one thing twice and it's all over whether it's crepes whether it's jujitsu, whether it's, you know, the kettlebells you stuck strong with because they like you and you liked them and you trusted them. Yeah, it took, yeah. You trusted them. After that, you don't trust nobody.

You know, the confrontation thing. I was not saying nothing bad. No, no, I know. It's completely true. Jiu-jitsu, karate, judo, there's a point in all those things where they're going to make you go a little liver. Just so if you're ever on the street, you don't go into shock. Right.

Okay, you don't go into shock. Why take self-defense if you have to, if you don't know how to eliminate shock from your body, that's something I didn't know, shock from your mind when something happens and something happens real fast and here you are on the floor bleeding from your lip, do you, does your head spin out or do you go back to centralizing yourself and breathing just to observe the situation? It's your breath that's out of control. If you control your breath, you control the situation.

Okay. I mean, yeah, I don't, I don't know if I have a problem with breath, but maybe it would help. Maybe just working on that technique would slow my brain down. You know, I noticed how we've had 20,000 people come in here that specialize in different types of things, whether it's kettlebells, and you've looked into it, but then your mind hasn't let you take the step. Yeah. So maybe it's time that this is all connected. This is maybe something that's connected. It's good that you brought it up and got it out of a goddamn way. You know, I'm really fucking proud of you. You know, I had no idea of it, so the first person I tend to call was Ari, because Ari had gone through all this stuff, and I heard bits and pieces,

and I'm so happy. I think he spoke about it on his own podcast, what he had gone to not in such detail. Right, yeah. I mean, it's, first of all, thank you. And then it's nice. That's why I like, because I had heard. or we speak about it. And I've heard a lot of people speak about it.

I feel like right now it's almost kind of cool to have mental health issues in a weird way. Like I went through a little, not a, I don't want to say depression, but like after I spoke about, I felt bad almost. Like I was like, I don't know. Like I haven't, this isn't diagnosed. So I felt, I felt guilty about using the word depression if it's not bad. It's like he said. Maybe you're not suffering from depression. Right.

But there's got to be something that's bothering you. Something deep. Right. Like you said, you keep thinking about your childhood. So, hey, man, listen,

I live in 19, fucking 80. And I'm not ashamed to say that. When I'm not here with you, I'm not with my family, and I'm not writing calmly.

And my mind is, when I let idle hands, my mind takes me back into the 80s and all the shit I did. And how can I have done this? And what was the cause to this?

And some things, yeah, I put a cause to it, but some things were just because I was a piece of shit. I mean, never get me wrong. You know, something wrong with your mind and you being a piece of shit there's two different fucking things. Right, absolutely. Some of the things I did was because of need or hurt or pain.

Some of the things I did because I was a piece of shit. And there's no two ways to fucking look at it. So that's where I live. I mean, that's where my head is at. And there's times like, well, I'm getting out of it. Right. Listening to you and Ari made me realize, like there's obviously certain ways or certain places that I feel comfortable and maybe that's not good.

Maybe maybe just because it feels safe doesn't mean I have to go jump off of a cliff, but maybe I should join one of these places that you can go and work all day and everyone's working on their own little small business and there's like little communal tables or who knows? There's nothing like that. You have to, I assume that there's nothing like that. Okay. You have to cover these things. You have to keep yourself busy. You have to stay on it.

You know, you know who motivates me, me? Money doesn't motivate me. My daughter doesn't motivate me. Me. Because there was so much wasted time in my life that now I'm just playing fucking ketchup, man. I'm just playing fucking ketchup. You know, I would hate for any of you 20-year-olds or 30-year-olds

or even 40-year-olds that listen to the fucking pie. To ever waste as much time as I did doing drugs and thinking about robbing people and thinking about selling kilos and stupidity, I wish I would have taken that thought into something positive. I'm very sorry that took me 30 fucking years for a positive thought to come in my mind to make me start comedy and make me stick with it. You know, I sit here fucking amazed that with all the shit I had gone through, I stuck with something. That bothered me, Lee, for years. That you stuck with it? Even when I was a fucking kid, my stepfather used to fucking harass me about the shit that I had done.

Like I played the bass, I played the drums, I sang in a band. You know, I went to judo, I went to karate, I went to kung fu. I played football. I played fucking tennis. I swam. You know, I tried everything. I invested money in it. Then I quit.

Then guess what happened? And then I quit fucking high school, which I created a horrible fucking pattern. Once I quit high school, that was the fucking pattern that my mind was looking for. Yeah, that's the pattern that society wants you to have when you just quit. And then I just would take jobs and quit jobs. I was a plumber. I was a painter. I was a mason.

I was an electrician. I was a roofer. I was a framer. I was a carpenter's fucking helper. I laid the linoleum and I laid dial. I was a cook I was a dishwasher I was a fucking I sold everything

Name one thing I even sold the shit That you put in fucking your Sanitary tub So your yard don't blow up with shit and piss What's those things those pellets That you call I called everybody in this country Tried to sell one thing or another

At one time or another I was always looking for something better Always looking for the grass to be green Always oh my God I sold neon, I sold medical packages. I mean, I sold it fucking all. I delivered sandwiches. I delivered Chinese food.

You know, guys, I sold fucking the flooring. I sold tires. Did I ever tell you? I worked in a tire store and I fucking quit at 1 o'clock. Somebody was saying the other day that they got me, oh, Darren Johnson came to the comedy show the other day. And he goes, I never forget we were kids. And they got you a job at a shirt company.

and you said I'll be right back. You left an hour in. I wouldn't even wait till lunchtime. I was a fucking loser. I was a fucking loser. And then when the thought of comedy came into my mind because I quit everything, it took me, what I told you,

18 months to go down and do comedy or around that fucking time. It felt like 18 months. And then after I did it, for two years, I still dicked around. I'm a comedian. I just need to go on stage once a month. I never committed to shit, guys.

Do you understand me? You want to be a real fucking loser. Don't commit to nothing. Don't commit to nothing. You got to commit to something. Because eventually that one commitment, now you commit to two things. Now you commit to three things.

I got divorced. Dog, I bailed out on every fucking situation that was ever thrown at me. Do you think we like, when I'm coming here, Like, not everything is going to be great all the time. I don't know. Maybe that's what I'm searching for and it just doesn't exist.

Nobody, I didn't know what I was searching for, Lee, at that fucking time. So I can't give me the answer to that. All I know is that I quit everything. Right. I was a fucking stucco. I installed a Northland, what's the siding? Did you know that? There was a job I took fucking building scaffolds.

I quit at lunchtime, too. I used to install railroad ties. I quit that too. guys, I fucking was a pathetic loser. But for some reason, for some fucking reason at the age of 28, I got into comedy. And I didn't commit. I didn't commit to comedy to the age of 31. And that's when I told myself, I said, either I do this.

If I quit, there's no more jobs. It's taking a bus back to New York City, getting an ounce of Coke, and going into business either until I'm dead, I'm busted, or I'm in jail. Or I killed myself with cocaine. That was the plan. This was not supposed to work, but this was the last thing I had. And I had to commit to it. Did you almost not want it to work?

Oh, please. Why would I? Why would somebody who's a quitter at everything want something to work? Why would somebody who quit everything in their fucking life want something to work? At first I did it, and then when I started doing it, I don't know. I don't know. Something just made me, I understood what you had to do. But even at that point, there was no, I didn't see any future of it.

All I was looking at was a little, let's kill a little time. If we could kill some time, we'll be okay. And it's fun, you have your days free, and you just ended up working at it and liking it? Like, it just sort of happened? I was a con man I knew that, you know I mean I'm trying to get my passport The head that I called a lawyer

He calls him back on the lawyer He goes, hey, what's this warrant in Idaho? Not only do I have a warrant in Seattle I don't want to fucking Idaho Because I stole a tent And then I got into a fist fight You know, it never ended And even when I got into the comedy

And I knew the commitment that comedy needed I was still fucking around But it didn't dawn on me until like mid-95. You know when it dawned on me that I was in love with comedy? When? When you realize that I was actually getting better at it. Once I was getting two or three laughs, I'm like, wait a second. I'm on to something.

Were you working on it or were you just going up there? At that time, I was reading Judy Carter's workbook and I would write what she'd do. and then I go up there and I was just learning by doing. You know, I would watch as much stand up as I could, the greats. Lenny, George Carlin, fucking Richard Pryor. And then I'd look at whosoever was hot in those days. And I would try to find the fusion.

And that was wrong. You know, it was all, listen, when you get, right now, I'm in love with Jiu-Jitsu. Do you know why? Because it's like comedy when I first started. I'm so bad at it that I got to get good at it eventually. And I will. Once the body movements start more and everything, and I will. It's just the way life is.

You know what I'm saying? But it also goes to the commitment I put into it. It's the commitment I put into it. You know, right now I'm very fortunate. I'm 54, but I'm living a certain lifestyle. I'm going to bed early. I'm drinking water with all my meals. You know, I never live like this before because you have a reason to live.

Got it. And you have a great reason. Oh, yeah. your mother, you have your father, and you have a sweet girl that would crush her if something happened to you. You got a heart attack, but you got sick. So this is, these are all the things. You know, I stopped doing coke. Yeah, there was the cat and the whole thing. My wife is a lot of fucking things, but she's a sweetheart. And I know how she still cries over Fidel. Like, if you bring up Fidel, she'll turn around. You won't see it, but she'll cry a little bit. You can't bring up

fanny around these are cats that I can't imagine her finding me on the floor with a mirror and a razor blade in front of me doing coke

I can't I can't I can't I could never do that to her it was when you were talking about when you realized that about your wife like you said like it wasn't like another girl you just had sex with

for me I don't have like I never really went out and did like the the hooking up phase but I also never really had girls care about me how to get it on me

and then I just wouldn't have like long relationships. So yeah, it is, it's, it kind of freaked me out a little bit. That she's so nice. And I'm not saying, guys, that you need a girlfriend to be happy. It could be a fucking cat. Yeah. It could be a bird.

It could be a dog. It could be an ant. Listen, there's some happiness out there for you. And I, listen, this whole suicide thing and fucking Lee has gotten me a little worked up here, maybe a little bit more than I should. But it's made me realize the problems that I have, the shortcomings I had. Like I told you, a couple weeks ago,

I wasn't doing too good myself. I'm never doing too fucking good. You know, I'm never doing too good because I came from a fucking foundation that nothing good is supposed to happen to guys like me. So when something does good happen, I'm walking around looking at buildings

because I want to see the first one to fall on my fucking head. Who told you good things don't happen in guys like you? The same things that tell you You're not good enough the same things so it's internal Sure it is Sure it is

You know it's funny one time when the Sopranos Tony Soprano asked her a psychologist So what the fuck are we doing here What you mean to tell me is that everything goes back to your mother Everything goes back to that childhood Yeah Everything goes back to that childhood I sit here and I make the quotes I have

Because I've analyzed that childhood 200 times from 0 to 10. And I've analyzed my life 200 times from 10 to 20. You know, bro, there was a time. I was going through some heavy shit. And I'll talk about them right now, just so you know. The night my mother died, she was yelling for me, for me to come down.

I thought it's because she wanted me to eat. And I didn't come down there. But you know what? One night, a week later, when I was smoking pot, I realized she was yelling for me because she was getting a heart attack. and I was too lazy to fucking go down there. That's a heavy fucking thing to live with on your mind.

But it's not what I did. I didn't use that as, I didn't, I've never even spoken about that as something to define me. I put it together that when God wants you, God wants you. What could I had done for it? Right, in your, what, 10 years old, that year's old? I was 15. 15, sorry. You know, it doesn't really fucking matter, but, you know, I could have left.

that that stigmatized me for fucking life, which I did, which I did. Yeah. Which I did in many ways. Okay, I made little adjustments when people contact me. I'll try to contact them back. I don't know what position they're in, you know, little things like that, you know. You know, I always, then there was another problem I had. Two or three years after my mother died, I had this doubt that I'm not.

I'm at a party with Lee. We got an eight ball of coke. We got friends here. I'm having a little bit too much of a good time for somebody whose mother just died. Like maybe I didn't love my mother enough like everybody else loves their mother. I went through that phase, Lee. Yeah. That was a year of addiction and snorting and tears at four in the morning.

You ever see that scene a man on fire when he gets drunk? Yeah. And he would get all fucking and talk to himself. And that's what I would do. That's what I would do. Talk to myself and clean your gun. That's what I did. That's the stupidity I used to do.

That when 18 months I lived with that I didn't love her enough, do you know what type of guilt that is to put on a 17-year-old, 18-year-old mind? It's amazing that you made it. It sounds like depression. It's amazing that you made a down. That's why I do all these things. That's why I tell you motherfuckers on Sundays, it's going to be a great week. That's why I tell you motherfuckers that don't worry about what happened last week.

No matter. Just make sure it don't happen this week. Whatever bad happened last week, just don't make sure it don't happen this week. Just make sure it doesn't happen this week. And there's little precautions you can take to always raise your percentages to make your life a lot better.

And you know what? I don't know what they are. You know what the fuck they are. Nobody really wants to face the music. Because I didn't. You know, all these little things that happened to me from the age of 44 getting the longest yard and mad TV,

and all this shit, was little things that took over time. First of all, I had to talk myself into being good enough to go to an audition. That you were good enough that you deserved it? Yeah, like, so we've all had our fucking struggles. It's just how we've handled them. And I'll tell you, I really like that Ari thing about the five things that are good in your life every day in the shower, because that's the joke, that I get up in the morning, I hate myself, I drink a cup of coffee, I smoke two bunks.

I eat a piece of nicotine gum. And next to you know, I'm fucking out with it's in the shower. That's the truth. I get in the shower. But the time I get in the shower, why do you think I'm getting the shower? Because I'm ready to go kill a motherfucker. Oh. Yeah.

And that's, I'd wait to shower after the gym probably usually. So maybe I should change my day up a little bit. A lot of things are in my mind. I'm ready to stab a motherfucker. Okay. Yeah. I think, obviously I think talking to someone would help. But maybe they'd be able to show me some of these things that would help on top of it.

Now, I know in a week, I'm going to ask you, and the Jew and you, is not going to make you pay $100,8 to go talk to somebody. I know. You rather go pay Paulus' mother lunch and talk to her in Spanish and try to mingle it out. But, Lee, you have to do these things. Oh, yeah. About money. 100%.

It's about your mental health, and it's about your future because it's like Penzo. If you don't pay this now, you're going to have to pay for this later. Yeah, and I'm seeing that. I wish I had, like, my mom was like, what, 10 years ago maybe that she wanted me to go? So now I'm wishing maybe I, so yeah, I think you're absolutely right that I shouldn't. Like I said, like Ari said, you over here stuck with 75-year-old Diaz, and Steve Simone is no fucking barrel of enthusiasm. He has his dark fucking days, too.

You have to get a certain, a different, you know, you have to go somewhere else beside Paula and tell her this fucking Joe Diaz guy's crazy. He made me eat 2,000 milligrams last fucking week. You know what I'm saying? Right. It's really weird. You have to go somewhere. And I've seen this, and I've been telling you for a fucking year.

Zach always ask about you. Him and Marco and Wakefield, Josiah Wakefield, over at Alberto Crane's, it makes me jealous. I'm not 29. They're young kids. They do stupid things. They go to movies together, and they get a few beers, and they go to some stupid bar down the corner after jit-su. Right.

And they goof on each other. Do I miss that? Fuck yeah. Am I lonely at times? Fuck yeah. I'm lonely at times like a motherfucker. But this is all the things that we have to learn to deal with on our own without the food. Right.

Without the drugs, without the cocaine. These are the things I did, you know. So I'm just happy that you came clean with. this. Thank you for the last this in the last couple days. It feels nice. It almost feels like I've started a little bit.

I'll call today. I'll find out today what I have. You know, I don't ever want this, listen, man. I had situations for this podcast. I always knew what I wanted this podcast to be. I always wanted this podcast to be for me to explain things to you guys by showing you the mistakes I made in my life. That was the number one thing about this podcast to show you that all these comedians and all these celebrities that you fucking morons look up to you.

Bro, that piece is of shit. And they got bigger problems than you. They just persevered. You know, they just steam rolled through all of them. Like Harvey said, half these actors are in fucking therapy and getting inside. Why do you think they join Scientologists? They're fucking crazy. They're fucking crazy.

Me, I figured out a natural balance. Life is a balance. Life is a nice little fucking balance. You do a little bit of this. You do a little bit of that. You do a little bit of this. You do a little bit of that. You spend time with this guy.

You spend time with this guy. When you want to work out, you hang out with this guy. When you want to do drugs, you're hang out with this guy. When you want to get your dicks up, you hang out with this. You know, it's just so many different, like I said, we all deal with something. Yeah. I know that there's prevention hotline numbers out there. I'm sorry.

I was busy this morning. and part of that was to, you know, I had meetings, but I always knew I wanted to do this podcast, and we had a short time with Ari, because Ari was going to a concert tonight, we didn't really know. So I have it if you want it. What's the number?

1-800-273-8255, and then I'm also looking, they actually have an online chat. So if you want to do that one, too. Guys, you have all the utensils. I'm happy that we could talk about this subject. I wanted to, after Monday, We had a different guest lined up, but we pushed them back just because I want to Ari to call in and talk about the situation he had gone through and whatnot.

Did you do the fucking shout out for these savages? Absolutely. Oh, shit. My man, Bobby Lingus, Bud King, Per Deep Zero,07, Mark, non-smoking Mark, whatever, Corey Smelly, Brian Howard, Couchy 1121, sleaze Ball, Jerry D. Brown, and Michael Chezzaroney. I love you, cocksucker. And don't forget this Saturday night, myself, Eddie Bravo. Eddie Bravo's doing 10 minutes, and the rest of the show is working out with Uncle Joey

at the Ice House 7.30 Saturday night, and in the following week, oh shit, we're back up an SFO, the punchline bitches, from the 10th to the 12th. That's what I'll be doing. What do you got playing for the weekend, you sexy fucking savager? What do I have a plan?

You know what? I don't think I have much, but I'm going to try to do something different, something that I haven't done before. I don't know what it is. Maybe go, I think, I think I'm, I like one of those clubs or something, look for something. What kind of club? I don't know. The sex club. That'd be great, too.

Maybe a sex club. I was even thinking, because I got some people who reached out about those, those tech people that I saw in Vegas. Okay. And they have a podcast. So I was thinking about maybe going and seeing maybe they have like a coding club. or who knows. Just learn a new skill. No, I said to the guy,

some guy asked you if you got to note at Harris. I'm sitting there for two hours last night going, what fucking note? And then I saw you answer him back. What happened at Harris? He was, it was the guy who I met who worked at the casino. Okay.

And he worked in the gambling department late at night. And he just came over and introduced himself. I was playing Pi-Gow. And the dealer, the dealer was taking me through it. Like, I love, That's why I like, I'm always good at talking at tables. And this dealer, it was like a gay guy.

It was midnight. There were like three or four other people at the table. And we were just having a blast. And he came over. And he said, I love the show. Thank you so much. And we just came, Paul and I went back the next night. And he was there again.

And he gave me a note just to say, just to, so we could keep in touch. And it must have fallen out on my pocket at the table. So I wanted him to reach out. He did. And yeah, it was a, there was a bunch of people in Vegas. a server at a restaurant And that's the last couple days I've shown me

But I've known it since we started Everywhere I go that I ever meet anybody From this or It's just It's always very positive So even if I feel like me I may be in my own like Personal life

I don't have people Who I don't think I have people There's people out there And maybe for other listeners of the show Because I can't Like I said brother I'm not looking for fans I'm looking for people to come up to me and ask me for a fucking autograph.

Right. I want everybody who listens to this podcast to know, we're like a family, man. And you ask guys like Bobby and Crystal. Ask guys like fucking talking with that. Ask them. Ask fucking Australian warrior, Oogie Spooky. Every year, Leon, every year we get a different fucking family member, Cleo. And somewhere another, man, this is going to be, this is great.

because we each, it's tongue and groove. You know what tongue and groove is? No. We each need a little bus that I have. You know, every Friday I get a know from Bobby Crystal. Bob Lillings is fucking family. RIP, his dad, he was family. You know, I want everybody to know whether you're in Ireland and fucking China in Hong Kong.

You're part of the motherfucking church family, man. And fucked up shit happens. Asberg, when his kid was sick and he had the church shirt on, He went to a hospital and a guy, you know, we know this. And some people go away because they don't believe this. They don't believe we're family. Listen, man, I had no blood in this world except an uncle and a sister in Cuba. And those guys I grew up with, 54 years later, they're my family.

You don't have to be blood to be fucking family. It's feeling for one another. That's it. That's family. That's when you know somebody's family. It's a bigger difference than a friend. You know, there's been things years ago, the kid's house burnt out. When we tweeted is fucking GoFundMe and the shit happened, you know, little things like this.

We're a family, when talking lay got sick. Right. You know, he had to go fund me page. We all fucking kicked in. Nobody's a millionaire here. But, you know, everything helps. We're a family, guys. So when I found out that this existed and I saw how many fucking people reached out to Lee,

and said, talked about their own insecurities. I said, fuck it. We got to get Ari to call in and break it down a little more and see if some of all of us meet in the fucking middle here. So thank you very much for listening to the podcast. And never, ever, ever forget this. We're the church family. Fucking balls out.

Balls out, man. Be proud. Who gives a fuck? We say what we say and we mean what we mean. And that's just the way the fucking show ends, cuckuckers. Anyway, real quick, let me do some fucking ads, and we'll get you to fuck out of here. Number one, on it, baddest motherfucking supplements out there. I love them to debt, you understand me?

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cry already on me. Anyway, I love your motherfuckers. If I don't see you Saturday at the Ice House, I'll see you the following week at San Francisco. Let's blast a whole lot of love for the family, brother. Thank you for listening to the church guys and thank you for participating in our lives and thank you for supporting. Stay black. Have a great weekend.