The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #505 - Ron White

Episode Date: August 7, 2017

Ron White, Comedian seen on the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" in addition to his multi-platinum comedy specials, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 08/03/2017.
  

Greetings podcast, Will. Welcome to the church of what's happening now. It's brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Are you hiring? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? No, you don't. Do me a favor. Go to ZipRecruiter for free. That's right. Free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Number two, on it.com. The best supplements, period. from Shroom Tech Sport, Alpha Brain, Hemforce Protein, you can't fucking go wrong. Go to Onet.com slash church. Boom!

And get 10% off delivered right to your motherfucking door. Let's get this party started. Two, one, two, three. Are you fucking kidding me or what? It's the church of what's happened now, bitches. Monday, August 7th. Here we go. Like a black cat

Dude Are you fucking getting me? It's going to be that type of Monday Cocksuckers It's not a birthday, is it? It's going to be when they get this podcast. Mr. Saturday night It's the church who it's happening now

My Jewish Gumball, Lee Syatt And the Man of Steel, Mr. Ron White. Here's what I'm talking about Monday motherfucking morning. Good afternoon. Good evening, Mr. White. How are you, sir? I feel like 100 pesos. Oh, my God. That's the fucking weed that killed Carrie Fisher.

That's El Patron. That's what you got to smoke for the series, the Netflix premiere of Narcos. That's the weed you got to smoke right there. What's going on, my man? You know, I just came by here, and you just got me so fucked up. And in about 30 minutes,

and I'm just, this will be great. People will just see just how brain dead I can possibly fucking become. Thank you, Joey. Oh, this tequila's tremendous. I haven't drank in the while, but this is tremendous. Oh, and they're ridiculous. One more. Tequila's probably the most fun, like, I think.

You can't walk on one fucking leg, you know what I'm saying? It's a, it's a, whatever the fuck the word is. I'm not going to remember any words for the rest of the fucking night. What's the weed you were fucking giving me, man? No, Patron from Perennial. Right down the block here in Studio City. This is the shit Jerry Lewis gives the kids before he shoots him. He gives him what he'll listen.

You're not selling no more tickets. You got to get hit by another car or something's got to happen. Oh, my God, Rodman White. Where the fuck do we start? You tell me, man. You know what? I came down here today to do this because I'm such a big fan. I don't know.

I mean, I guess one of the things that's, you know, when I started, when I moved back to, we moved to L.A., and I think, as you know, I want to be a part of the comedy community. You know, I want to be a part of it. I don't want to hang out on the edges and walk in. I want to be a dead fuck in the middle of it, you know, just having a good time doing what I do. It's the only thing I do.

So I love being, you know, I like being a part of it. I don't care if somebody's an open migra or they make, 10 times more money than I do, like somebody does. I'm just fucking with you. Now, where did you live before, full time? I had a place up in Montecito, California, where I just sat on a deck and looked at the ocean and drank and did nothing. And now I still drink, but I go in and do sets every, you know,

when I'm home, you know, I always go out and do sets. So that's the fucking most fun I can have. It makes me relaxed. If I don't go out and do sets every night, I'm pint. up. I feel like I'm here for no reason. And it just you know, it makes me fucking smile just to go out and let people

love me, you know. You love you. I mean, yeah. Let them love me. There's no nothing wrong with that. I fucking heard it. Oh my God. I fucking love on me. Man, the night that I always call up for the holidays. There's something about the store on the holidays that makes

my dick hard, whether it's Thanksgiving night, Christmas night. Yeah, right, right. And this year, I called in I think Christmas Eve or Christmas night. I never look at the lineup. I just want to go down there and get surprised. I get out of my car, and there you are, dressed of the nines. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing down here?

I'm saying, everything you are doing this set. And I'm like, God damn. I called Rogan the next one. I'm like, Rogan, what the fuck were you last night? With my family. We were down at the store having a fucking blast. Yeah, we get toasted. Oh, my God.

And that's what, I guess that's what being a comic is. I mean, you never end. It never been. Well, you know, it's the camaraderie of people that are, it's such a, number one, stand-up comedy is a tiny, tiny subculture. I mean, there's just not very, they're way more fucking brain surgeons than there are people that make a living doing stand-up comedy, you know, it's a small subculture. And I find for the most part, not always, but for the most part, there are people I can

fucking hang with, you know. because we, you know, we know the same people. We've had the same experiences, you know, most of us that have, you know, rhoded our ass off until it was eroded. And, you know, so it's just a, and especially the store, because you can sit back. There's a, there's a place. I know nobody knows this, or maybe you do. But at the store, there's a place for comedians to smoke weed and be who they are.

And they've always embraced the insanity of stand-up comedians. they've always known the best ones for crazy as fuck. And so they're like, let's make a craziest fuck spot. And let the craziest fuck people have a place to be while they're doing stand-up. And that's why, you know, like, in prior, they built a fucking glass piano for him to do blow off of. Like, if you're going to be crazy, please, be crazy here and tell jokes on our fucking stage. And that's why Carlin and Kinnison and, you know, all the, all the devils, you know, they all came up here, you know, the angels came up over at the improv.

So I usually gravitate towards, and I love working both clubs. And luckily, not everybody can, but, you know, it's a blast. But if you go to the improv and go, hey, where can I smoke some weed? They're like, well, you have to actually stand on Melrose Avenue in traffic to do it. That's what we got worked out for you. I'm like, really? Yeah, yeah, they hear you. You get to hear the store.

You park your car. right next to the building and, you know, walk on in. It's great. It's fun. Now, where was the first time you got up on stage? Where the fuck was it? Who do you claim? Who claims you?

Well, it was called the Funny Bone Comedy Club in Arlington, Texas. And this guy that I, where it was a window salesman. And this guy that I worked with went to the first open mic night that they had there after the club first opened. and he came to the office the next day and he goes, Ron, you're funnier than these guys. You should go do this. I was like, really?

You think so? Yeah, I know so. I watched everybody. You're better than they are. Go do this. So I went down there, I had to audition for one person, which is so humiliating. There's one person there with their arms crossed,

and I've got four minutes of shit, you know, pure fucking unadulterated, crap. And one thing got a laugh. They decided to let me on. And then I remember the guy, I forget his name, but he's a black comic. And Ron, his name was Ron something. And I remember he goes, please enjoy the comedy stylings of Ron White.

And I'm walking towards the stage. And I'm like, stylings? Stilings. And I'm just nervous as fine. I didn't expect him to say stylings, and then I didn't. But I did okay for my four minutes set, and but the next week, and then nobody was there. I didn't tell anybody I was doing it. But it went so well, I thought I got a little cocky, you know, first show cockies.

And so the next night, the next week that they let me on, it was like three weeks later. That's how good the set was. And so then I'd tell all my friends and everybody, you know, come out. It was amazing. And I just went on stage and drank a cup of my own warm fucking sperm. This fucking great comic's not right before me. I froze up, and it was awful, just the worst thing. I don't think anything ever happened worse after that.

That set was so absolutely horrible that I was like, and all my friends were there. They were like, uh, and your friends are trying to laugh, but it's really not funny. So they're making that, uh, sound. That's what my sister-in-law was making. but it's not a laugh because you can't, if it's not funny, you can't make yourself

fucking laugh at it. You just go, uh, uh, now what year was this? 86. Oh my, and what was going on

the comedy community then? They were all over the place, comedy clubs and no. No, you know, no, they were, uh,

that was pretty much the, 80s. Middle of the boom, I guess, you know, there was, uh, three,

there were four clubs and, uh, in Dallas. So I figured out, I'm smart on a couple levels, but one of them is I saw that was an MC job, not an opening act job.

So if you were really dedicate yourself to becoming a really good master of ceremonies, even though you suck, if you're, if you memorize the announcements and you know who's coming next week and you make it look like a show, then you'll probably, get more work than these guys that are just back

there looking at their stupid little horrible jokes and then they're like pulling out pieces of paper and then you know so I'm like well you know fuck show business why not make it slicker maybe that helps to get you know stage stuff because that's what you need is stage time you know how do you get on stage

how do you stay on stage how do you where do you have to go to get on stage because if you're not willing to do whatever the fuck it takes to stay on stage then then you know it It won't work anyway, but it for sure won't work if you don't have that kind of, you know, attitude or mentality of, you know, I would invent things to put me on a stage when I was an amateur comic.

I would go to these restaurants or hotels with a restaurant, and I would set up a comedy competition. And first place would be dinner for two. And I would only invite comics that I was funnier than. if you were funnier than me you were going to hear about this competition because I wanted the fucking food you know that meant something that was like you know 16 dollars worth of stuff and it you know and a meal you know was fucking that important it meant something and and you know so I just kind of learn how to set up gigs that way

so now we're going to be talking about I'm going to start talking to me to three hundred bucks for first place and two hundred bucks or whatever and then eventually I got good enough anybody could come. When did you start featuring? How long? I started featuring. I got a phone call one day

from the Funny Bone in Arlington, Texas, and Sam Kinnison was coming to the Dallas County Convention Theater for a makeup show. He'd already missed it. He'd already canceled it. and so and Carl was Carl above was in

rehab and they really hadn't thought about who was going to open the show so they called the improv day of show and then

and ask them who can we get to do this and they well Ron White's pretty funny and I wish I could tell you when it was but I think

maybe two years or a year and a half or something I only had 15 minutes and it was a 20 minute job. So when they said 20 minutes, I was like, sure. And so it wasn't very long into it. And I go down there and with my first wife, Lori, and Alex Ramundo, my dear friend for 30 years to this day,

we're going to work together tomorrow night or last week or whatever. And so, so Sam, It's 2,000 seats. I hadn't played more than the funny ball. You know, that's all I'd play. But they were packed and, you know, back in the 80s. And so his brother was there. I can't remember his name now.

Kenison's brother was his manager. Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill. And, you know, he's, Ken Sam's not there. There's nobody else back there.

And when they have a six pack of beer and an ice chest. And then Sam has a dressing. sweet with a bunch of stuff in it and uh but nobody's there and so he goes well we're gonna go ahead and start the show and he goes sam's uh opening act is off times a sacrificial lamb because sam was at his peak of uh popularity and then and they he said sometimes they'll just start yelling at you and trying to get you off stage and and they just want to see sam so whatever it happens don't don't take it fucking personal. And I'm like, okay, okay, all right, okay.

And I go out there, and it was, it was, it was, the, the, it was, the, the, it was, the, the, it was, the, the, it was, the, the set was so strong that it lasted 16 minutes, you know, it was only 14 minutes of stuff. But I murdered and, uh, it just absolutely killed and, uh, and, uh, I was looking over the side. And I know he was hoping I would do more time because Sam still wasn't there. And, uh, I'm like, all right. And the, like, fuck the crowd goes nuts. and then there's the people that some of the some people that were owners of the funny bone chain were at that show and some people that from the laugh stopper at that show and uh and i think the punchline also and um so anyway i come off stage and sam's still not there so you know i'm high-fiving laurie and alics and that was great that was killed that's the best thing ever and uh we're back there drinking they had a six pack of budwiser and uh and Alex and I smoke a joint. And all of a sudden, three limos pull up.

Now there's 20 people back there. As soon as Sam gets there, he says his bodyguard to get me. And he goes, Mr. Jekinson would like to meet you. And so I go back in the back. And there's two rooms of this little dressing area. And people in the front. And then there was a private room in the back. And it's just Sam and a hooker, I guess.

and he's got a big old vial of blow and some of there's a rock stuck in it and he's banging it on the table. He's working on it. He's frustrated. He can't get what he wants out of the end of his bottle. And then finally it clumps up and he got out of there in a big whole pile.

And he goes, I heard you killed him, cowboy. And he goes, yeah, Sam, that's a great crowd. You're going to have fun. He goes, how about a cup of coffee? And I was like, yeah, yeah, okay. all right. And so we both did a, he did this monster rail of blow and then fake the heart attack.

And nobody believed it but me. And, uh, but he did. He fucking, he's on his back grabbing his fucking heart and just fucking shaking. And I'm like going to, because I know I would have died if I'd have done that one instead of the one I did. And, uh, and then he hops up laughing. And, uh, he goes, let me show you how to do this. And he goes down the stage, he just pounds the fuck out of this crowd. It was so beautiful to see.

And so afterwards, I had a demon on each shot, a demon and the devil. No, no, I had a demon and an angel. And the angel was all the representatives from those clubs going, let's go out to dinner and we'll have a nice discussion about your comedy career. on one shoulder and the other shoulder was Kinnison going, let's go to a titty bar and snort some cocaine. I'm like, yeah, I'll see you guys tomorrow, right? So I just went with Sam and I didn't see him again for years.

But that's where I got the dates to do 50 weeks, you know, enough to pay the bills. What year was that about? Like I said, it was, yeah. Yeah, no. Yeah, I was saying 88 or... Wow, wow. Yeah.

So, yeah, he was at the top of his fucking game. Yeah. Oh, yeah, good Lord. It was amazing. It was amazing to see. You know, I hadn't seen... I don't think I'd even seen... Well, I know I hadn't seen homosexual necrophilia ever.

And he did it in that set. And so it was a new... So it was a newer set. It was mostly stuff I hadn't seen. uh back then it was pretty prolific with uh what you know with that amazing stuff yeah he built a bridge that a bunch of comics walked across and uh that bridge i'm good at naming bridges and comedy and that was bridge that uh people can genuinely find you disgusting and you can still make them laugh and i don't think anybody knew that before sam you know they sam was gut

level fucking just unpleasant in his views and his opinions and and and and but was such a gifted orator that he could still fucking hook you into it even if you're like afterwards you felt dirty about it I mean

it's a you know something you're really good at too I watched that I still remember not doing comedy just snort and blow in my living room on a Saturday night and I still remember that biddy did about why you know shipping food there right you fucking nothing grows Lee you know run whites

in studio drink that fucking drink I'm drinking you over there put nice in it diluting it take a shot Columbus did it's always a fuck you know white's in studio right much gone oh yeah I love this is number one here that now from there where the fuck was your head the next day you're like this is it

there's no more working in a fucking job there's dick well that you know I I got uh I wasn't really good at anything at all. And it was also a little on the lazy side. And so I was horrible at high school, and I got kicked out in the 10th grade

and joined the Navy and got kicked out of the Navy after 18 months because I was horrible at that, really bad at really bad at that. And, you know, I was just, my brain just, I knew it wasn't stupid like everybody claimed because I knew that my brain had something in and something was there but it was so un-fucking defined

I just couldn't figure out what it was and so the really the first time I went on stage I was on stage going oh I'm a comedian well that's fucking good to know at least I know it but I knew the first time I walked on stage this is where it fits this is exactly the puzzle piece that fits the fucking puzzle

piece of my brain and what it will do. And, you know, whether I was born to be a stand-up comic or it just happened along or whatever, but I would starve to death in any other country on this planet with the skills that I have. But in the U.S. That makes two of us. That makes two. I told Lee last night, Lee, if it wasn't for it, I thought when I came, I came down here only because of a pilot. They saw me in Seattle.

I didn't think I was good enough to live in LA. I said, it's not going to work. And I said, I'll give myself a year. If this fails, I moved to Jersey and just sell drugs. I've done it all. I've been a chef at fucking Wendy's. I couldn't do it. Yeah, I was a chef at Wendy's.

I was in a chef training program. But, you know, it just fit. When I got on stage, I knew I didn't want to work days. My mom owned the bar, and her days were free, and I loved her lifestyle. she worked from 8 to 3 and that was a great lifestyle she went there in the daytime

she looked at the receipts she talked to a few people and then she was on the way to a meg game getting fucking lit go home cooked dinner we eat dinner abandoned ship go to the bar work until 3 I always knew

I was not going to get a day job it just wasn't going to work I tried the bartending who the fuck wants to bartend you want to be on the other side of the bar drinking for free there's no better job You know, Alex, I mentioned Alex earlier.

The reason he decided to go in a stand-up was he was working as the bartender at the club. And he had to go do something at the condo, and the guys were at the pool on a Wednesday. And just floating there chatting up to chicks. And he's like, that's what I want to do. I want to lay by the pool on Wednesday. Not get up and drive someplace. Fuck, no. I was a failure.

I knew it wasn't going to work. run way i knew it wasn't gonna work let me ask you this i know it's an off-setting question that guy that talked you into going down there you still communicate with him yeah uh sam is that yeah no no sam's a great guy i was i was telling you'd be a horrible salesman and he was like way better than me and i was pretty good and uh but uh yeah i've uh he was a boy he was He liked the cross-country bicycle and had this big, you know, part of a big, you know, group of people that did it.

And so I bought him the most ridiculous bicycle ever. And I bailed him out of jail a couple of times. So, yeah, we stay in contact. And he usually when I played, he still lives around where he used to, same house. So whenever I play in Fort Worth and Dallas or what he always comes out to the show.

The first guy that ever... So was kids. The first guy that ever mentioned stand-up to me. me. I was working at Hollister, Chrysler Plymouth, snorting coke seven days a week, you know, making seven, eight grand a month selling cars out there with a suit on, thinking you fucking John Gotti, but I was snorting all night every night until six. Then I went over to Bill Crout Subaru, like the third

day there was a new manager there, and we actually bumped fucking heads. Like it was like, fuck you, I do it this way. He's like, fuck you, I do it this way. And this guy got in my face And I got in his face And like two days later We got broken up that night And two days later I'm outside waiting for a custom

And this crazy fuck comes up to me And goes, hey man I don't know what happened between this the other day No do I care I know you maybe not like you I'm not too crazy about you He goes but For 10 years of my life

I was an assistant To an entertainment director in Vegas And he was I'll tell you some You don't need to be selling cars You can be a stand-up comic. I'm like, go fuck yourself. You just call me a fucking loser two days ago.

Now you're telling me that you could be a stand-up comic and a loser. Yeah, yeah, at the same time. I've seen it at the same time. No, please. I've done it. So it's those, I never know. I always sit there for nights thinking about what his name is. And I still, I would love to say him and give him a hug and go, you were fucking right.

That was the first. Then other people came along and said different things. Yeah, it's you in that direction. Now, all right, so now you're a feature act, you're out there. I start comedy in 91. For three years, I just sell volumes. I told my friends, come to my show. They would call me and go, you got a grandma blow, yeah.

Show up at the broker, it's there. And they would come, and now they have to go to the show. That's genius, man. Oh, my God, that's how you get people to shows. Right. It makes you regional. Oh, my God. Regional redistribute.

I would tell them, you want to have grandma, I give it to you for 45. It's one rock, but you've got to come to the broker at 830. Why? What's going on? Just show up there. I'll meet you there. They would walk in, they'd pay the fucking $5 to get it.

They'd sit through the show. I'd do the comedy, and then I'd give them the Coke or the Valiums. What a couple, 94, I got into it. 96, I finally start going on the road to different places. 97, Coconut Grove has a club. I keep calling this club going, I'm Cuban. I want to work the club. I worked it a lot.

Go fuck you. I know. Go fuck yourself. You can't work down here. Then finally that fucking, the Chinese hot piece of ass, Sarah Knight calls me. And she goes, I got a week for you, two weeks. She got to do Buffalo first, then I'll give you Miami. That was Alex's girl.

Yeah, that was Alex's girl. From the first night before Buffalo, I book a fucking Penzole commercial. A mobster is the heat of mafia shit because of the Sopranos. I'm going out every day on a different commercial. I book up around the world type of Penzole commercial. I call Sarah Knight at 8 o'clock at night. late time. I go, Sarah, Buffalo ain't happening Tuesday morning.

She goes, don't ever call me again. I'm like, fuck. I just lost Miami. A year later, they called again and go, we want you down in Miami. I got to tell you Ron White. The fucking minute I walked in, everybody kept to ask me, do you know runway? Are you friends

of Ron White? I saw your picture on the wall. I don't know, this fucking guy. That went on, they loved you down there. This is a Cuban club. Yeah, yeah. And they loved. I worked that international crowd pretty well, you know. It's, and also participated in the fun. I watched people age at an accelerated rate at that fucking club.

When that fucking club first opened, everybody was fuckable. The guys were fuckable. The girls were fuckable. Everybody was cute. But they're going at it on this blow. They're getting for almost nothing. Every night. every single night

and I would only be there for like five days so I would take a hit but I'd come back a year and I didn't do a lot of blow outside of there I mean I did some you know I did blow

but I didn't I didn't hit it as hard as you did oh I was hitting it out of but when I went down there I would fucking go we spent it we went to a I don't know why

I was just so I'd do the stupidest shit when I'm wired but uh everybody wants to go see RuPaul at this huge gay bar it plays like 2,000 gay men and uh,

RuPaul comes in and does like, he had, he had like a song, a hit song on the radio. And, uh, he does that song and then does a, it's a great to be gay shit and,

uh, cheerleader stuff and all these guys. And the reason I really remember it is because like the ugliest dudes there hit on me. And I'm like, what? You're not going to sit in your little rob low looking motherfucker over here? What the,

what? I know I'm kind of fat, but God damn. I'm not going to fuck. you. This isn't going to crack the fucking safe. Now, what was the whole Mexico thing? Why were you living in Mexico fucking and people look? Every comedy club was looking for you.

Yeah. It was, yeah. It's, you know, I was with a girl. I was living on a lake outside of Austin and the funny bone comedy club realized they could fuck me. because they realized that I had so many eggs in their basket that they didn't need to pay me $2,000 a week in air that they could pay me $1,500 and drop the air. So that's a big cut in pay.

So it costs you about $2.80 to fly around to a gig, something like that. And I was living in South Texas. And I was living in Austin on Lake, Kingsland, Texas. And my girlfriend made this pottery that was really pretty is mosaic tile application to an existing piece of potter and she's selling art shows but it'd take her like six months to make enough to sell it a day so

I just started thinking well you know if I go down to Mexico you know hire a room full of people and I teach them how to do this and so I I sold the house and loaded all my stuff up in a big biggest thing rider

sales and then my van pulling the biggest trailer that they rent I mean rent and we trapes off down to Mexico. I don't speak Spanish. I don't know anybody. First we get a trailer outside in McAllen, Texas. And it was like a gated golf course trailer park. So it was kind of like

high-end trailer living. But my love was for Reno's of Mexico. I mean, I loved it over there. They used to play a comedy club down to McCallin, and I'd go over there and, you know, fuck whores and whatever. you know, Texas shit, you know, and it's what you do and where you go. So I always had, you know, like a warm spot in my heart for it. And so, you know, I go over there and meet this lady named Aramunoz and who speaks a little bit of English.

And so I do exactly what I envision. You know, we've hired these ladies that live in this colonia. into this run-down old tortilla factory and cleaned it up and painted it and shit and built tables myself. I was in there sweating, you know,

drinking corona and smoking weed that I had to smuggle from the U.S. back into Mexico. I was the only one going that way with weed. And so I got away with it. But I literally didn't have any idea

where to buy marijuana in Mexico because they don't smoke marijuana on the border towns. I mean, yeah, not very many people do. So the dealer is on the other side, so you've got to bring it back. It's kind of funny.

But anyway, it was, it was, you know, it was just a real experience. My son, you know, I had joint custody of my son. So from the time I'd been doing standing for three years, I had a three-year-old, four, you know, my son was with me. Half the time. So I'm in a van with a car seat. I don't know jack shit about raising a kid. but I got part of one. I got it

and, and so, you know, and, you know, every, whatever I'm supposed to have him, you know,

his mother puts him on a plane, sent him to New Mexico. And, and, and she was always hip about it, you know, she got, it was probably a good experience for him.

So, and, uh, but eventually, the, uh, you know, I started,

I'm going out on the weekends with Jeff. And that, so I'd get on a plane, fly from a cow, into, to Houston, and then I'd get off from Houston to Atlanta, and then Jeff leasing Jets by then, and then we'd go do probably three cities and three days.

And it was just you and Jeff then? Just me and Jeff, right. Okay, and what year is this? Let's pretend. Yeah, fuck. $93, maybe, 93, 94. So, and then every once in a while I'm doing a pub. I mean, I have a club.

somebody that didn't try to fuck me over. And then also, when I told the people at the funny bone to go eat a steaming bowl of fuck, six months later, they were going, well, wait a minute, we'll pay you the money. So then, you know, I'm working with Jeff.

So Jeff's paying me $1,500 a show. So that's way more money, and he did it because he loved me, and he knew I needed it. You know, so he'd fucking. and great guy. And so now I can find the company down there.

And so I go out with him and I'll fly back on Sunday. And, you know, go back and live a laugh I love, which was down in Mexico. A doctor, nobody bothers you? Yeah, no. I can't, I always wanted to live in Mexico. Like where La Bamba went for the tattoo. Yeah, right.

That morning and fucking teepee. I lost my Virginia. to a prostitute in Tijuana when I was 18 years old than the Navy. Damn! She was overweight, and her teeth had no general direction or color, but she was well within my budget.

Is that why you got kicked out of the Navy? Oh, no. You said that, and I just never heard that before, that you were bad at the Navy. I've never heard, like, I think I'd be bad at the Navy, but for different reasons. Really bad at the Navy. I

You know, I just had this I had this thing with drugs You know, from the You know, I grew up in From a little bitty town, but I grew up in Houston So we had plenty of You know Just, you know, Hayd Ashbury was going on in L.A.

But Alan's Landing was going on And there are Hayed Asperry and Frisco But then Alan's Landing and Houston. Houston was going on, which was a huge hippie scene in Houston. And my parents would take it. I mean, it was literally daisies in your hair. Big ass people tripping their fucking brains out, just wandering around acting goofy. And my parents used to take us down there to look at them like they were zoo animals.

And I was like, well, it looks like they're having fun. It was like a learning moment, like don't end up like these people? Yeah. So, you know, I had a, a just an odd childhood, you know, that for one year, I mean, chasing lizards in this little bitty dirt town that's, and then, then I live in Houston and a, you know, in a time where, you know, America is probably one of its most interesting periods politically and socially. And it was pretty goddamn cool. but I always had I always lean towards drugs pretty heavy

you know amounts of drugs why we talk to each other and that doesn't work in the Navy my handle on the CB was Captain Kenebinole where were you stationed in the Navy I was stationed at

Pearl Harbor and so we went on a Western Pacific cruise and then I got I got busted. They had a drug test on our boat. And I, you know, eight of us out of only 76 people on the boat. And they got busted for heroin.

And they really took it seriously. And you know what? The thing is, it was either heroin or huff paint, because I just like getting fucked up. And the heroin, we were snorting it. It was like a matchhead of it. We'd get eight people so fucked up, they could fucking see. And I liked it. I was like, I was like Clapton.

I liked it too. I liked it too. And so, but I never was a big junkie. You know, I got busted there, and then I got sent to the Naval Drug Rehabilitation Center in Miramar, California. And there, I got discharged from the Navy. And the commander of the base at Miramar, while I was being discharged, called me a hole in our national. a line of defense. I'm like, me?

I'm 19. What were you counting on me for? The fuck, like, a hole? That's an insult. But. And where did you grow up? What city of Houston, you said? Yeah.

So you went from Houston to 19 in Hawaii? It's amazing. You only did a little bit. Like, that seems like heaven. Well, we did what? We started doing, I started doing acid in, in A school and

then it's probably 75 and the first time I did it I was in A school in San Diego and this guy was selling this wind of pain acid that I had no idea when I had my hand and they were just buying

the barracks down below me and but I did have a tendency to like pills and stuff so I was like yeah I'll try it and I but I didn't have any friends I mean I just got there and so I I took two hits of this four-wave, so this is eight hits of this sick-ass,

uh, wind of pain acid. And I loved it. I mean, I was fucked up. I did one hit in 78. I was in the eighth grade and I was fucked up, Brian White. Yeah, yeah.

I had a, dad had this trip. So it was so part of it was really awkward because I was at this hotel and I rented. And I'm laying on this couch. trip in my brains. I don't even know what's happening, you know, but I don't know it's pleasant for the most part, and I don't have to do anything except to enjoy it, because I'm in a hotel room and with a couple other people. And so I started getting this vision of me of inflating, and I would take my shoes off, and I would deflate a little bit. And then I'd get too thin,

and I'd put my shoes back on, and I'd start to inflate. a little bit more. So for hours, I just every 15 minutes I got to take my shoes off or put them back on to keep me from getting too thin or too fat.

It was pretty strong acid, is what I'm trying to say. At least it made sense of the time. But yeah, it was manageable. It was manageable. It was a manageable. I even got the sugar cubes and the liquid acid,

old school style. We did it one time. We did it more than ones? We did we do it. We do it two nights in a row. That's right. We just did it light, though. It wasn't really deep, deep, deep.

deep, seeing fucking leprechauns and stuff like this. Now, so you're in Mexico and you're still traveling from time to time. But nobody's got your fucking phone number. Yeah.

So finally, I go to Miami and I meet this character named Joe Chadwick. And I went in there as a feature and I worked the first week and they really liked me. Then the second week that somebody dropped out

and they kept me. The first time I was there, I went for three weeks straight. But the three weeks I was there, They talk about two people. You and a white guy from Cleveland. That's still in the game. Something happened.

I think he works locally in Cleveland, whatever. Never knew who this was. I go back there again. New Year's, I do all these gigs, and they're talking to me about this character named Ron White. And finally, I go back to L.A., and one day my phone starts ringing, do I know how to get a hold of Ron White?

And I'm laughing my ass off. I'm, like, giggling. and I never think anything of it I never see this character run white and I go to the fucking laugh factory in Houston which at the time had to be one of the best clubs in the country the place where I always had the best time in my life

was that city and I go there and I think it's John Westling and me and we go out to smoke a joint and there you are Kathleen's headline and you're featuring and you're outside holding court man just talking about and I'm watching you

and then I sat there and watched you before Kathleen and I was just fucking blown the fuck away that fucking landing in where I OD'd where I OD? Beaumont International Airport and Tire Serb I fucking I almost

I almost fucking passed out Beaumont was where I almost dodeed fucking who ODs in Beaumont? Nobody's Isn't that where Janice Joplin? That's where she was first Yeah, that's what she was from.

The museum is the worst museum in the world. And I fell in love with you. After that, I was like, wait a second. I got to do something about my stand-up. There were two people that when I watched live, influenced my stand-up. The first guy was Doug Stanhope in 96th in Seattle. I thought I got hit.

I considered quitting the next day. I still consider quitting when I watch Stanhope. I consider quitting the next day. Like, I got to either do that. Yeah, he's way better than me. then I saw you in Houston 99, 2000 and you just had

what I needed. You had the essence of I don't give a fuck if you laugh. I'm here to have a few drinks, smoke a few joints. If I bump into a line and a blowjob, that's like the cherry on the Sunday. And I'm like, that's where

you have to be in comedy. You can't go up there. It wasn't philandering. Yeah, I admit that. You can't go up there thinking about you got a bomb, Who gives the fuck? Just go up there and be you. And that, I wanted to tell you that.

That's why I wanted you to come on the show. Because that in 2000, when I came back to L.A., I was a complete different comic. Because I knew it wasn't up to the audience. It was up to fucking me. Right. And I got that from you. That's what I tell people that,

if you look at the common denominator of all, you know great comics which you are I don't know if you know this but you go watch Joey shake a crowd he can take him by the I can just shake them and it doesn't matter if there's 50 of them or

5,000 of them that there's nobody better at this than you and you know you're Rogan's favorite comic and and I watched the other day he had this crowd rocking and that's the main that's a fun shit and get them rocking just boom boom Boom, boom, boom, boom. Just slapping them in the face.

And, you know, it's really fun to watch. But it's also 20 years, Ron White. And I want young comics to understand that. Right. Me 30. I'm 27. And 27, yeah, I'm not 27. This year, July,

I'm like 82 in cocaine years. You ever get to? Yeah. I'm like 87 in cocaine years. But the 20-year mark really makes you decide something. And for me, that's what it was. Now, I think July 18th was 28 years. It was 91.

So, whatever, 91, 2011, 21, 2017 years. So when did the whole fucking tour start? I think around 2000, or maybe it was 99. I'd been opening for Jeff for a few years. and then one day we were on the plane and he starts telling me about this concept because the King's Comedy, which was a Cedricney entertainer and, you know, I feel like an interview. You glee, the game show host and the guy who died. Bernie Mac and. Bernie Mac, yes.

Right. And God. Steve Harvey. Yes. Which makes me a horrible fucking comedian for not being able to pull those names out. but so they're doing huge numbers and uh as a group of four tour in comics and so you know of course we like see what the black man does well and we steal that and uh so we we form our group and and uh and he tells me about it and then you know so it's just going to be a kind of

a rural version of that you know southern version of that kind of that same marketing you know except for the only star is one is jeff but he's big of than all those guys. Jeff, but we're smaller than all those guys. So, you know,

who knows how it's going to work. So, Jeff tells me about it. And I said, that's retarded. So that's, that's what a seer I am. And that's what you need

four comics for? I was against rules. Nobody does that. So, so we did it. And, you know, it was the biggest comedy tour

in the history of spoken word by a lot. And then DVD sales into the millions and millions of millions of the first one sold four million copies and that made me a... I've never been a household name. I'm not one now. Yes, you want. Because my fame

came from... I'm not either. I'm telling you, I'm not. I have fans. That's gray. But I'm not a household name because my fame doesn't come from television. It comes from stand-up comedy. I'm a famous comedian. That's it. I don't... You know, I don't have

the exposure of some of these guys that have, it doesn't matter, I don't care. It doesn't matter. You're a standout. You're a fucking standout. That's it. I'm going to, that's all I ever wanted to be. I found out I was one and I kept being it.

And anyway, I forgot what I was talking about. Just the red, the blue collar. The blue collar. Yeah. Red collar. So it was so huge.

And then, and then, you know, we put out that, uh, Warner Brothers agreed to turn it into a movie. and it was really Kathleen that was telling me, do you have any idea how big a deal that is that Warner Brothers is going to take your image

and put it in theaters and DVDs and whatever. I was like, no, it sounds great, you know, I don't know, probably won't happen, but they say the deal's already done.

So sure enough, you know, I'm doing, I'm opening for this, you know, group of comics, so I'm doing 10 minutes sets. And,

and so I'm a, and that's all I'm doing to open. This one's 10 minutes. And I'm a, at that time, I would consider myself one of the best 10-minute big venue comics in the country because nobody did it more than I did. And I was comfortable doing it. So, and it opened in the show, and it was all set up so perfectly. And then I came back at the end and did a story that I've been telling for years and that always kills. And I'm like, I'm set to, I'm set to pop.

That fucking Tater just set them up. It was like the eight ball. Lee, you're ready for a star? Absolutely. I know you had that star look on your face. You're like, when is Joey going to offer me a star of death? Because I'm sitting here going, you know what? This tequila might set the fucking star of death up.

Perfect. I have no idea what's going on. You never had a star on death? You don't know nothing. You know what I'm saying? No, I got a set to do, dude. Oh, no, this ain't for you. Oh, okay, thank God.

This is for me and Lee. This is just, but I'll let you. You're not doing a set tonight? No, I'll give you one. to go. All right. That's for you, my brother. Oh, good.

That's a start of death. In other words, that's a... Lestri out of that I'm Wednesday. It's 125 milligrams. That? That's it. That's all you need. Is it 125 milligrams?

That's it. That's all you need. What are I supposed to do with it? You eat it? Put it in my pocket. I can't eat it. I can't eat it. I just save it.

I give a piece of paper on the way out. So how pissed do you think it'd be if I fucking didn't go do a set tonight? I just tell them you got fucking caught up You bumped into a bottle of tequila by mistake Yeah, I'll be there I'll be fucking toasted though You know around the money it's just Now how old are you when all this was going on

I started when I was 29 And no the the blue collar tour Oh 45 about When it started so that So I'd been doing stand up for about 15 years and and then it's been 15 years since then so it would have been 2002 I guess

or 2001 and how many years did you guys continue that tour that was like a four year tour correct it was we did it for you know we we toured for like three years and then then we got the last two movies that we put out where we weren't touring together we just acted like we were

we were all out doing her stuff I I started making so much money it was it was ridiculous and I really couldn't believe it if you can sell out of theater and you're a comedian and it doesn't cost anything to produce it

you ride it there's no backup band there's no 18 wheeler full of shit out there is you up on stage telling jokes I really never even considered how much money you could make doing it at that level

and you know I it changed the whole way that you know that I you know perceive life

and live my life and and I didn't see it coming and I never sat around thinking it might I never thought you know someday I'm going to be a huge

you know comedy star and I'll be rich as shit and I'll have a jet at the airport and and you know I never ever thought

about that kind of stuff and you know and then it and then it happens And so that's called fame and fortune. So now people know who I am. I was way more famous than O'T, I think, than I am now,

because all those DVDs were out. And, you know, every day you're not on television. You're less famous than you were the day before. And which is fine with me. That's right. You're still one of the funniest guys working today, man. That's all that matters. That's why you got into this in the first place,

was to just be funny. Yeah, yeah, that's all I wanted to do. And I was always true to it and true to my nature. you know that way i think that's what i was trying to say before i turn into this fucking does that sound braggadocious i don't mean i don't mean for it too not at all i mean to be vulnerable by saying it you know that it just how much we've made i'll tell you that i i would make the one week i made three thousand bucks and uh or 3 500 in a comedy club for i think i was just there for the weekend so that was more money than i was making before and uh but not as much as i was

making while we were touring as I was their opening act at the blue collar I was making more but that ended so uh then uh the the DVD went kind of straight to to movie I mean do straight or the movie DVD went straight to DVD it didn't stay in the theaters very long wasn't a successful theater released and so I'm back at the Omaha Funny Bone you know making a little more money but you know but it looks like it missed you know it looks like it missed you know it looks like I missed. And, but. You're still doing Titors today, though.

Me? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, there's no more Omaha Funny Bowen. Oh, God, there hadn't been an Omaha Funnybone in 15 years. I'm going there in November. I'm excited. There's nothing wrong with it.

I'm just saying, no. And she loves you, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a good lady. The cat and the hat. Yeah. That's what I call her. She never told you the story when I went,

she woke me up to go to radio. I'm like, you think we got time to fuck? This is the woman that owns the club. So, Colleen, right? Colleen. Colleen. Good lady.

Yeah, she's a sweetheart. I love her. So anyway, I don't remember what I was talking about. We're just talking about where you were and how fast you moved up in a short period of time,

which you fucking can't believe. You're waiting for a building to fall on top of you had. Well, I'll tell you, the weekend that made me realize it and, and dollars. and cents.

I made $3,500 and that I had this little theater, 800 seat theater in Atlanta that I wanted to do instead of the comedy club because that guy fucked me out of money.

And by then, I'm selling out these clubs, but my manager says, no, you need to do club one more time, really solidify yourself and then go to theaters. I think this will work.

So I sell out nine of them. in five days and make $90,000. And I was like the whole night at that time, I was like, so what am I? How much do I make when we said? Because they're just selling out. Boom, boom, boom, gone, gone, gone, gone. I have no idea.

It literally brings me to tears of just realizing that this is going on. Then we put a show on sale in Minneapolis. It sells out in two minutes. two minutes after we put it on sale you couldn't get a ticket for it and at that time for a and ever so short amount

of time I was probably the hottest comic in the world and and I just gone now I'm selling out I mean back I mean like a month later once we figure out how big it is now they're putting me in these huge rooms and making

I'm not making it but bringing in and, you know, three and four and $500,000 a week. And now all of a sudden, you know, it's fame and fortune. It's not, there are pitfalls and booby traps and nothing's real in, you know, that, you know, and I fell for all of it, you know, I wrote it out. I mean, look where you were. Look where you were. You had to write it out, Ron White.

What were you on? Go back to Mexico and make Lenovo. I just kept, you know, I kept doing stand-up and realized that this was, it was such a validation. It made stand-up fun. And it is to this day, you know, I think if it wouldn't have, you know, had that successful element to it, I don't know that I would still be, well, probably would, probably even more. But, you know, they're so in love with stand-up to this day that I, you know, when I'm in town, instead of staying in my house, I, you know, I go down there and. be a stand-up comedian. And if you want to be a stand-up comic, that's all you got to do is go be a

stand-up comic, but you have to do that. You got to go be one. It's funny. When I sit there and watch you on stage, I get that vibe from you. That you're very fucking happy to be a stand- I can tell you. You have a great job. Yeah. Who wouldn't?

You know, and I do these shows for nothing. I don't even get my $35 or whatever it is. Fifteen bucks, yeah. Yeah, whatever. I don't collect it. I'm like, I don't have that time. But I, so, I You know, those are the shows. I do way more shows for nothing than I do for money. And so it's, you know, the touring schedule now is still 110 cities a year.

And, you know, I still play the, you know, the same rooms that, now, Burr sells these rooms out four times a night and Sebastian. They're lined up down at the fucking comedy store. It's so goddamn. It's crazy. If you're a comic looking at that list, the best thing you can hope for is to follow me. Because everybody else is so strong. It's just, you know, it's amazing.

I followed Ali Wong the other night, and I was like, Ali Wong, everybody, if she was only a little more confident. It's a couple weeks ago, I said two or three months ago, I can't go down there no more. Because I can't work out. I can't just go up there with a note and a piece of paper and work out. so I would go hide at the ha-ha and fucking flappers which is great but then I started thinking I'm like fuck it I'm just taking my roadshow to the store that's what got me here that was the first dude that's what I do yeah I can't follow these

motherfuckers I thought of yesterday I'm there to murder is that what we're doing that fucking crystal here you ever try to follow that lunatic talking about possums in his backyard and whatnot oh yeah there's a couple people up there that You got a follow, and you go, I'm just going to do the best I can. Right. Right. That's all you can do. They're so good, man.

It's a guy, I don't know that. It's hard than the weekends. I don't even know that comedy's been in better shape than it is right this minute. You know, with, you know, even with, with Rogan, you know, I watch Rogan on stage. And, and he does, you know, do old tons of new stuff. And, you know, I think maybe pound for pound. He's, you know, maybe my favorite. comic. Right now he is my favorite comic.

And again, a great guy. Great guy, he writes, you know, you went out with in the beginning. Manning? No, the guy you were talking about. Alex Romo. No, Foxworthy. Oh, Foxworthy. Oh, okay. And I'm sure that 30% of the stuff you do on the road

today is things you learned on the road with Fox. Foxworthy. Oh, you know what, Foxworthy. The first time that I ever did stand up, he was at the show. That's how influential Jeff is for me, and important he is to me. He comes up to me after the set, because he was the headliner in the club that week, just by fucking chance. I mean, that all these things came together over the years and all the stuff, you know.

And, but he came up to me after the set, and my first set ever. And he goes, you're really funny, but you need to put the punchline at the end of the joke and I was like what and so this is how generous this motherfucker is he sits down with a comic that's done four fucking minutes of

stand-up comedy and teaches me something about structure you know just that you can say this part of this sentence here but if you don't and you move that part of the sentence to here then the punch lines at the end of the joke and you don't step on the laugh and I was like

oh oh so now I've done it for 30 years, so I can't imagine. You can't teach somebody funny at all, but you can teach him structure. Structure, absolutely. You know, and so, you know, he was my mentor, even though I'm older than him, I think. So that's kind of disheartening when you have a younger mentor. But Foxwood. I had the same situation on Rogan.

30, 40% of what I do on the road right now is the roadblocks and the up and down. I learned on the road with Rogan. Same thing. I fly out to first flight out. I fly out the first flight in. I don't really do get. I mean, there's just so many things, and it works. You learn a lot from the guys that take you on the road.

It's like you learn your in and out. You make it better. You make it better how to work for you. Yeah, it's such a, you know, there's a million ways to skin a cat. And stand-up comedy, when people ask for advice, you know, I just tell them that the journey is so personal that you can't tell someone how to do it. You don't even know how you did it, much less tell somebody else how to do it. It's like when somebody sends you a tape and go and you judge this.

Are you fucking crazy? Who the fucking am I to tell you what you stand-up is? Right. And for sure, you don't want me doing it. No, no. Is it kind of weird? Because just thinking about you saying how you went from, like, the clubs to the theaters, your act didn't necessarily change, but the paycheck changes.

Like in every other job, like your position or your title changes a little bit and your rate goes up. But this, you could do the same thing on Monday and Tuesday, and it could be for $90,000 and for $15. Yeah. The, I mean, I, you know, I'm just, I, I, I, I, I, I genuinely don't mean to sound braggadocious because I don't even say those numbers very often but that's what happened you know, that's what happened

and, you know, I, I, I, I, but I genuinely didn't, I genuinely didn't see it coming. I never saw it,

sat around and thought, you know, that this was, my ship is going to come out of, right, I never thought that. I was like maybe something neat will happen. And I'll not go to jail some more and,

you know, maybe I can quit doing drugs every day and, you know, do stand up and and, you know, for some reason, it all fucking shined. And, and the success of it,

you know, left me in fucking rehab and, you know, fucking, I was spinning out of control. When you gave me all the money I wanted, I'm fucking living at the peninsula in a suite, you know,

fucking $2,500 hookers doing blow like crazy. That was the most blow I ever did. It was that point in my life. You don't do blow anymore. Uh, not at all. Done, done, done, done. That's just a different, different dark man to bump into it, you know.

That's a different savage when you're doing standard. But luckily, I had a therapist and he was able to talk me out of a, you know, maybe it wouldn't hurt if you just went to this five-star rehab thing for 30 days, and they've got really nice sheets and a great chef, and I was like, that doesn't sound too bad. I went down there. Well, that lasted for six months, which wasn't bad. It was a good six months. And you went to a rehab for six months?

No, I went there for one month, but I stayed sober for six months. I call it a brief bout with sobriety that I was able to overcome with the health of my friends and my family. What was the main drug of choice when you went to the rehab? Scotch and, you know, just massive amounts of scotch and weed, you know, but not a lot of And that's pretty much it, you know. I did other drugs, but I've kind of left all that stuff out. But I'm such a raging alcoholic that, you know, it's just every once in a while, you got to reel it in a little bit, you know.

I love that white label on the rocks when I was snorting blow in the 80s. That was my first. You said it like a DJ, dude, listen. That was my first lover fan. There was no pussy for me. That fucking doo is on the rocks with a couple ice cubes. Right. With a couple lines of coke and a coilude.

Your dick showed up. You keep adding shit to it. Oh, my God, your dick showed like a fucking Marine. Just a little bit of each other. Oh, that was my love. That was when I was the craziest. There was a drink in the early 80s that used to make me go crazy.

You're going to remember it. It was called Harvey's Bristol cream. It had no alcohol in it, but they put Cosby pills in it. Because every time I drank it with a girl, when the weirdest things happened, they want me to sniff their asshole. There's always something.

Do they still make Harvey's Bristol cream? I remember that name, but I don't think I ever. Oh, my God. It was terrible. I think it was like, see, if I accidentally eat this fucking star, I would be pissed, dude. No, I don't be pissed. It's going to be a good time. No, I got to do a set.

Oh, yeah, they still make it. I think it's a dessert one. I think there might have been alcohol in it. How much alcohol? Let's find out. It's an original cream sherry. Oh, my God. I used to get fucked out.

I would get an eight ball and take this little freak down to Seaside Heights, New Jersey, and we'd get two or three bottles of Harvey's Bristol cream. My dick would get hard like Hitler, and I'd eat that ass like it was going out of style. And he didn't even know what to do. Harvey's Bristol cream. One night I tied her up. I got violent. I tied her up with the sheets.

The next morning she's like, what got into you? It was Harvey. Oh, my God. It has a big one. What is it? 17.5. Is that a big one? You get fucked up on that stuff.

Wait, most shirries, never mind. Hold on. That's most sherrys have it. I thought you said he was a genius. No, nobody said. He just gave me that star. It doesn't say how many. It says most wines are about 70. No, it's funny, Ron White, when you came in,

you said you're happy this all happened because you had Dick saved up for retirement. You know, my hedge and Ron, us working at a subway. Oh, God. Telling the stories about the concerts we went. Please, dear Lord. Kenison, that is my biggest fear to be walking to subway. No, I've been, you know, I heard Chris Rock say some really pretty poignant shit about stand-up comedy.

If you can get to Chris Rock talking about this art form and the business of it and stuff, he's also, you know, he's a smart, smart guy, but he was talking about his biggest fear is to lose it, you know, all the money that he'd made because, and people have lost bigger fortunes than that, you know. this isn't dick what I've done compared to what other people have lost and I'm just in bad business and you know people fucking them over or whatever and gee God

I'm with Dane Cook Rob, get robbed for by his brother. Ten million dollars after tax money. That's a hundred million dollars in ticket sales to put 10 in the bank. That's the way it works at that level. And he got

and I never, you know, I never really knew them. And but I never thought he was funny and I mean I literally I bought his album listen to it one time on the way home from the place I bought it from and I got home and I threw it away

because I just don't I'm not a collector of anything you know but so I just like whatever you know but it was selling like crazy and it did I had an album that was selling and this one just blew by me like a rocket ship and I'm like what the fuck is that and so I went and I didn't maybe I just don't get it

I mean, sometimes I don't get it, you know, but there's a real thing, but I don't get it. It's like me with Saturday Live as a kid. I didn't get it. I still don't get it at times. People love it, but I don't get it. You want some mice? No, I got to quit drinking, man. All right, no, no, no.

I'm going to call that place back. Text that dude because it's 9 o'clock already. I want you to be there tip-top McGoo. It's 855. So can we get a volunteer to take my car to the, No, you guys are fucked up. You can't do it. Oh, my God. You know, fucked up.

You want to get your special Uber driver? No, because I don't want to leave my car over here. Okay. I'll drive it. No, don't drive it. I think, hey, look. Look how much tequila we've got. There's two fingers left in there.

There's two fingers of tequila, and Lee still hasn't done the second glass. No, he hasn't. He put water in there. He milked it. I've been watching. You milk it the way like the stars. Who puts fucking a lot of it?

the mortar and tequila cock, sucker. 12 years in the fucking case. I put like half a cup in my... I had a lot of fucking alcohol. It's good. It's good. Look at the bottle we filled. I had like nine glasses here. Oh, you're delicious, though.

No, delicious. It really, really, really, really great. And, you know, when I went to pee, I don't know if I didn't have that drunk feeling. I had more of that whatever type feeling. It's fun to drink. It's like it gets you a little warm, but it's not like you're going to,

I don't know. Like, when I was young, I only used to drink a certain kind of tequila because I could feel the burn. I was like, oh, yeah, it burns. Like, that has to be good. Now I'm like, oh, yeah, you could just drink it over ice. If it, yeah, if it burns, it's made wrong. Tequila does not have to burn at all. This is the smoothest stuff in the world.

What made you invest in all this? Well, I would invest, you know, number one, I'm impetuous and I'm an idiot. and that's worked out you know so I don't really put a lot of thought into the things I do you know I guess

but I knew this tequila was amazing and you know and Alex Romundo who I started doing stand-up with he's from Mexico and he found it in this little dusty distillery and he brought me down there and it's genuinely

made in it in the shittiest fucking distillery ever anywhere in the world is a genuine shit hole. It's like nearly... But that's what makes it this good. What makes it good is the Raviscus family been doing this for 140 years

and they make this craft tequila that's a small batch thing and we talked to... It took Alex four years once we decided that we wanted to try to bring it to the U.S. because it's never been here and it took them four years

to convince them to let us do it. And so, you know, it's, you know, this is just a, it's a, it'll kill me. I guarantee you, because I can't leave it alone. It needs like a goalie or something in front of it after you've been drinking it for a while. If you don't drink it on the rocks, how else can you drink? You like margaritas with it? Fuck, not this extra in Yale. The other two, I mean, there's repisado and there's a blanco and the blanco.

The repisado is so good. I wouldn't, you know, I rarely. put even ice on this. Just, uh, usually just drink it out of the bottle. I don't use a glass. It tastes delicious. Yeah. It's great.

So it's called number one tequila. You can go to taters tequila.com and, uh, we'll send it to you, uh, straight to your house. And, and, and give it a try. So the, uh, had this guy the other day sent me a text and said, I don't think you should use the stage to sell your tequila. And that's like, why don't you go find a nice, quiet place to fuck. yourself. I'm looking for the shade tree.

Online. Yeah. That's where they all come out from. They all come out from online and insults you and Ron White. What's it feel like to 50 years from now people are going to talk about it as one of the fucking top comics

of all time, one of the top storytellers? I don't think they will. I know they will, because they say it now. I don't think they will. You have a really loyal following. I bump into this couple in Baltimore. It was,

it was it? It was John Rallo. It was the Swedish couple in the world. And they came to one night and they go, we come to all the shows. And they said recently they had gone to senior. And that was like the fourth fucking time. They said that senior.

You know, people come back and I love them for it. You know, I try to move on with the stand-up to make it interesting. And they're the reason I keep doing it. You know, the it's, you know, the feeling you get from just walking on stage and, you know,

and people, you know, they just want to bestow fucking love on you, you know, with applause and then, you know, and I keep my chops, so I'm still good at what I do. So I'm still going to beat the fuck out of you. I'm coming. I'm coming there to take a swing at your face. And so, and that I will do. But it's just amazing because I'll know when to, you know, when to retire, you know, they'll let me know.

And maybe they, you know, maybe they keep listening. As long as they keep listening, I'll keep doing it. If you thought when I got into this, when I was 28 years old, I'd be doing comedy at 54. You're fucking nuts. I thought I was going to do it for 10 years and go to prison. I'm right. You're right.

Me and you both. If you're trying to tell me right now, you know how many, you know how I, do you know how many idea Lee and run, what I feel like when I'm driving down Laurel Canyon to go to the store at 9 o'clock at 9? on a Thursday night Come and fucking go.

I don't even put the radio on run. I just sit there and absorb it and I think about how fucking lucky I am that at 54 I go down to the store and do a spot at 10.45. It baffles me. I thought by now I'd be dead. I'd be just a full-time drug dealer

in and out of fucking jail in New York City. I could have never. ever thought of this. Do you think I would ever think I have a four and a half year old that fucking 54? Yeah, that's pretty rich, my friend. Jesus Christ.

And guess what? When I walk in the door tonight, she'll be waiting for me. My wife will be fucking out snoring. I'll be in my office ready to go in the garage. So the four and a half year olds running loose. Oh, my God. I hear the door slam and I go, is that my wife? The deal.

And she'll come up to me like, Daddy, what are you doing? What the fuck you think I'm doing? I'm about to roll of the fucking. number you. What are you doing? It's 10 after 11. Like Ron, all this shit to me, I couldn't even imagine. So I can't imagine what you're going through the last couple years because I know you were a recluse type of guy like me. We just woke up for the day. If we gave a fuck about that, I love these people. What are you going to be thinking in 10 years? I'm not thinking nothing. I'm thinking about this fucking burrito. I'm going to eat for lunch. That's all I'm fucking

I couldn't come up with when they asked me where I was at. Yeah, who the fuck is? Next week I couldn't come out with it. I don't know. I don't have any idea. Because it doesn't matter. I'm going to take, you know, I've got a great staff and they take care of all that stuff. You really are taking won't.

You do the right. You do it right, man. Yeah, you know, the plane is an extravagance, but it just, it's, it's, I'm going to be dead anyway. So why not spend it, you know, the plane makes my life? fees here and and I don't think any other comic I mean I know some of them Lisa but I don't know nobody's ever bought one before but it made sense to me and it looked like two different jobs one of them paid a little more and the other one you get a jet and I was like I'm gonna take the job with the jet was that the coolest thing you've purchased that has to be the coolest thing to have

your own jet oh yeah it is and even then you know anybody can argue it's not the smartest thing you could possibly do but I'm like well you sit on this fucking plan you do 145 city years within and without America. Number one you can't you can't do it because logistically you can't get it out of the city so you literally that plane made me money because I was willing to do the sets

and I could sell the tickets and so I went down and looked at it one day and I'm like I'll tag it so how many weekends do you got a month honestly three or four I still do 100 I did 11 cities last year counting Vegas is one city and I did that 11 weekends so I weren't work hard. I still go out three. Usually, I mean, I'm really kind of settling off to two nights a

week now because it's just, it's so much easier to do. Friday, Saturday, get the fuck out. Yeah, that's why I'm going back home. Yeah. I think that's where I'm going to. So, it's, uh, it's, but, you know, but I'm still doing 12, you know, 10 to 12 sets a week in L.A. for free. So if you don't want to pay, uh, me or Joey, you don't have to. Come out. You don't have to. Come out to L.A. And go to the comedy store.

And I mean, that's the show last night. They were, I don't even, like six or seven comics make over $50,000 a night in one show for $15 or whatever.

You, Galia, Rogan. There was, that, that's ridiculous. The store is back to every night. Allie makes that kind of money,

too. And, uh, and, uh, Hazelnick, I think, and was in the other room. Who else? You know, Tony? In school?

It's a big time, you know, I don't know if he's, but anyway, there were, it's just an amazing place to go stand up. It's just an amazing place to go stand up every once in a while. This is something I also learned from Chris Rock. Don't take anybody with you when you go down to the club to do a set. Don't take your wife. Don't take your wife's friends, your friends that aren't comics. Don't take anybody.

Don't take your manager. Sometimes I take my little brother here, but most of the lights, I don't hang out with his wife. Yeah, but for the most part. I have friends that are exceptions if they're in town, you know, or whatever. But if you don't go down there without them, if you don't go down, then you're not a part of that community. Because that part of that community is much under themselves. and you really aren't yourself when you take somebody with you,

especially a spouse or somebody. And that's something I heard Roxy on the radio. I'm like, you're right. And I was lucky enough that my girl at the time heard him say it on the radio. And I'm like, you can't argue with that, right? You ain't coming to no more of these fucking shows. I don't take my spouse with, I love my wife.

I love that baby. I'm in San Francisco next week, and we spoke about it. And I had to throw hot water on it. I throw cold water. I was like I can't do it. My Saturday is I need that Saturday to write and be in peace. I can't go to the

San Francisco. Oh, man. Just doesn't work for me. I like to focus. I don't even like selling T-shirts or nothing. I focus on stand-up. And the people who listen to the podcast, I want them to come up to me to shake my hand. I don't need

the 20 bucks that much in the fucking T-shirt. You want a T-shirt, go online. I just can't do it. I want to focus on the- You were so lazy that you won't bring a box. a t-shirt for those adoring fans that we love to have. Fuck them. Fuck them. Let them go online. Fuck them. My wife

will send it to you with a note. I'll send you a cup, but I don't want to, you know why? I don't have to put my fucking glasses on and start looking through shirts and making change after the show. We're fucking old, dude. I just want to focus on going

up there and whatever they pay for the ticket, I want to give them their money's worth. You know, for years, I heard these comics when I was doing nothing as a feature act. I heard comics coming back and going, hey, have you been to Tulsa yet? Oh my God, I sold 1,200 CDs.

And the comic was God awful. Right? And even though I was snorting coke, like a savage, I never sold nothing after the show. Even though I was a Coke fiend, I'd rather borrow 20 from the bartender than sell a T-Share-in-Fer-T-Share-T-Share-in.

How fucking crazy. do it that much, but I had when I got fucked into this deal, and part of it was I got a bunch of cassettes of my show. And so I sold her for five bucks a piece. The first night I sold 200 of them. And I had this

big pile of money, but now they want money for those to replace them with, and I now got to sell them for 10 bucks, and I'm like, ah, so they kind of died off. So I don't like to do extracurricular shit, but, you know, I do mean, greets that people pay to come see and

that's a fun thing and they enjoy it. I love doing meeting greets. I love talking to people after the show that listen to the podcast especially you know as people come up. There's some people are just fucking crazy but there's some people come up and tell you how much they appreciate

what you do for free and you haven't scammed them, you know, with patriarch and all this shit you're just yourself, you know and it's a great feeling for me. I'm very fortunate. I did time. My mother died when I was young. You know, I went out there

and put guns to people's head, but here I am in fucking studio silly cat. La La La Land, baby, baby boy. Ron White, I'm more than happy that you came on tonight. I use you as an inspiration. Sometimes I'm like, fuck it, I'm 54. I should quit. Then I go down to the store.

And there you are with a 2G's fucking suit on with your hair looking sexy as a motherfucker with a drink in your hand and a fucking cigar letting people know what time of this following Allie Wong and I go, what the fuck? What kind of faggotry is going into my mind?

Do you understand me? I'm following Ron White. I'm doing what you do with no effort at all. What the fuck? Nobody beats that room up like he does. I don't let him fucking get humble on you now right before he dies. I'm going to do some shoutouts and read this and we'll get you the fuck out of him. Okay, right on.

Text somebody and see if they can pick you up and let's get your home right. First off, this podcast is fucking on the 7th, so let's break the leave. The punchline, Thursday through Saturday. Five shows, half the shows are sold out. The rest is up to you. And then on the 19th, working out with Uncle Joey at the Ice House, 15 bucks on a Saturday night.

Where the fuck you at, Ron White? You're in New Jersey, at Montclair. No, no, no, no. Morristown. Yeah, he's in, and then he's also at, What's the name of the theater in Morristown? Give me one second. Let me pull it up.

Oh, there are tickets available. He's my fucking family in Jersey. I want you to do me a favor. And the way you supported me at the Bogota, go see my fucking savage uncle Ron White. What's the name of the theater in Morris Town now? Okay. Give me one second, sorry.

We killed your website. Your website's... Let's go. Give me two seconds, Joey. What's the website anywhere? Ronwhite.com. Tater salad.com. Tater salad.com.

Go there for all fucking dates. All right. But Friday, where is he? Friday, there's two shows at the Mayo Performing Art Center in Morristown, New Jersey. Oh, shit, next to the fucking. The next day you wake up and you go to the Morristown funny cars, whatever the fuck of it is. And this is, I used to go there as a kid. He's at the, on Saturday at the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom.

There you go, Motherfucking Beach, New Hampshire. Can I tell you a little story about the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom? I'm doing a set there, and it's like a, it's like a 1700-seat saloon. but it's cool it's fun too I like doing it and right off the stage there's this lady

she's having a blast and she's laughing so hard she can't even breathe and I'm on my tour bus afterwards and I see some people I was waiting out there

for autographs so I come out there and she comes at me with her mouth opened her tongue out and she goes do you like blow jobs and they're like

not anymore I did I did it used to but not anymore but where is that It's on the beach in New Hampshire. They only opened it up on the Sunday.

It's the summers, right? Summers, I think. Probably. I was too young. I never got to go see a show there. We'd park right there and you'd be on the beach. That was the first place I took edibles. I'm there every year and a half.

It's a blast. It's a, you know, it's something different that's been around. So you look at it. You can't imagine it didn't burn down fucking 30 years ago. Is there a real casino inside? No, there's not. I don't know where they tacked that on there pretty loosely because I don't see it.

There's no casino. There's no Indians in that, motherfucker. There's one really, really aggressive woman that wants to know. Did I do? Did I do the shout-outs yet? Not yet. No. All right.

Crystal Jordan, my girl. Jeremy Slaggart, Jonathan Bowers, Daniel Kyle, Daniel Lowe, Gareth Keenan, Ian Quindry, Alan G., you bad motherfucker, Scott Carst. Austin, Austin 930, Cassidy, and my girl, Elliot, my guy, my main brother from Orange County, Elliot Smith. For starters, I want to talk about who puts fuck in the church and what's happening now together. And it's a company called DipRecruiter.

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Again, that ZipRecruiter.com slash church. One more time, it's going to cost you nothing. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. I want to thank Ron White again. Yeah. Thank you, buddy. Thanks for having you on your pocket. my God, this is another for us. I thank you again, and

anytime you want to come on, you have an open fucking door. Yavaka, number one is tequila. Tequila, I'm sorry. This is how fucked up I am. How the fuck am I going to get to the comedy store, dude? We'll figure it out. Don't worry about nothing. We'll make a call. Okay. Listen, don't forget

next week, this Thursday, Friday, Saturday, San Francisco punchline, then the following Saturday, I'm at the ice house working out with Uncle Joey. trying to come up with new material I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. I'll see you guys next

whatever the fuck it is. I'm drunk to the gills guy. I don't even know what the fuck you listen to me. How are you going to get what time it is? You knew you were doing this to me? No, I didn't. It's 915. You did. I got you out of you. I told you I got to go. I got a show at 1030. What do you do? You get me trashed.

915, I got you out of here. You got me trashed, dude. That's part of the deal coming out of the church of what's happening now. I love you guys. Have a great week. you Wednesday. I love you with all my heart, Ron White. You made my fucking month. Lysayat, my favorite Jew in the world. I love you. And tell these motherfuckers, the three wise men were Jewish and they showed up on an envelope. Don't show up without an envelope. That's my fucking message. See, Cuck suckers. Have a great day. Stay black. Hit it Lee.