The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #506 - Ms. Pat

Episode Date: August 9, 2017

Ms. Pat, Comedian seen on Comedy Central and also has a new book, "Rabbit" coming out on August 22, 2017, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: LendingTree - Find out how much you can save TODAY at LendingTree.com/CHURCH   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!     Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 08/07/2017.
  

If I'm walking down the street and I pop my head up and I see a woman breastfeeding, I give her the respect she deserves. I pop my head up and I keep walking straight because I don't want to feel creepy. I don't want her to feel creepy. It's natural. I mean, that's what a titty is for to be sucked. I mean, it's really there for, you know, the baby. So I don't see why people complain about you breastfeeding.

I see it all the time that people get pissed off. But now, if I see a grown man sucking a titty in public, I kind of got a problem with that. But on the other hand, there's a lot of motherfuckers. Unless he, unless he got an issue where he can't eat whole food, then I'm okay with him. That's the next thing, like service dogs? That's the next thing. Service dog, you know how people have service dogs? One day somebody's going to say, you know what?

Because my mom fed me and I depend on that. I need to suck tities and shit. Timities a day. There's people who do like a baby thing. Have you seen that? Like there's people who like pretending their babies. I saw this video of a girl. who's like 20s

in the diaper. She has a big crib in her room. Her boyfriend pretends he like changes her diaper. That's, that's fucking crazy. I've seen kids like that's too old

to be sucking titty. Like you've seen the video with a little boy about seven years old sucking him and mommy titty with the little brother. I sucked a pacify until I was six.

I was on my way to being a little dick sucker. My mother stopped that. You understand me? When you suck a pacifier and six, your future is bleak. You follow him saying to you?

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What's happening now? Oh shit Oh shit We're going to take Mrs. Pat back to old school When she was walking and shit With hot pants on Saying what What years is late

82, my girl Oh yeah, I probably didn't have on 80 Hot Pats A couple years other than I was somebody mom That's that disc. That's that disc. your music. Someone to hold your time.

Someone to treat your rap. Oh shit. There we go. How we go. Call me. In time. Thanks to you. Call me.

You need someone to talk to you, baby. Call me. Salisection guarantee. Call me. You need someone to talk to me. Call me. Call me. Oh shit.

Shake that ass. Cocksuck. It's the church of what's happened now Monday, August 7th or Wednesday, August 9th The day the devil was married to see Hit it! Hit it! That's our birthday! Mule, kick it up. Kick it, Lee.

Oh shit. Uh-uh. That's a fucking jam, dog. Churchill, what's happening now coming at you? It's a beautiful day to be alive. Miss Pat is in the house. What's up? The fucking flying Jew is in the house.

Hello. Ms. Pat's youngest, beautifulest daughters in the house. She's the oldest. That's my Medicaid, baby. Okay, she's beautiful. Yeah. What does that mean?

She was born on Medicaid. Okay. Your taxes pay for her to get out of me. Thanks to you paying your taxes, they were able to pull out with a nice fee. Now, when you had the baby, they put you in a nice hospital, too? Well, you always go to the Pope people. I would go to the Pope people hospital or the community hospital or so. Medicaid.

Well, that's not like the baby's coming out of you. And you walk into like Beverly Hills Hospital with a bunch of white people. They'll still deliver your baby. They can't put you in that. Oh, you belong down the street. It was 86. They probably would have. But, you know, I couldn't get to Beverly Hills.

Actually, when I went in labor with her, you know, I had a 14. And when they pulled up, when I called the ambulance, I lived in the hood in Vine City. And my sister went and called 911 and she lied and said the baby was coming out. But the ambulance was up the street picking up another dude who just got stabbed. So they ran down to my house with this nigga in the back of the car and they come to get me and the baby ain't coming out. So my mom was like, you're going to take your in the way. So I'm in the ambulance with another dude that been stabbed in the shoulder. Oh, my God, it's like an Uber pool.

That's terrible. And you're 14. No, I was like, Mama, you go on me. She's like, you can handle that shit. I ain't got time for that. I come pick you up. So it was me. I'm pregnant with her and some random drunk dude in the back of the ambulance that who's been stabbed.

Miss Pat, what are you, 40? 39? I'm 45. And she's 31. What the fuck are you going to do when you're here 50? You're going to wake up that day and go, Jesus Christ. That's what I did. The day I woke up when I turned 50, I was like, Jesus Christ.

I was in an ambulance giving birth. No, no, I don't feel old either. That's not the point. The point is at one time in your life, you know, I've done it. I've done it a thousand times. I've been in those situations. You know, you started going to meetings. You sat across some pretty high-powered people.

In the middle of a motherfucking meeting, while you're telling your stories, you know, and they're offering you salsa water or a bagel, you know. I don't eat that shit. And you're looking at them, thinking, these motherfuckers have no idea what I've really seen. Yeah. You ever get that feelings in time?

You ever walk into a room when everybody's fucking really nice? and they all have watches on and purses and shit and you know like 20 years ago me and my dogs were to shut these motherfuckers and taking everything including that turkey on the table yeah I do it's fucking crazy

you know I'm reading this book that Bob Linger's game me the three lives of Jimmy Page and it's like I had three fucking lives four lives and so did you yeah Rabbit I'm sorry yeah Rabbit and Patricia then Miss Pat Yeah, pretty much.

You have a bunch that we have, and then you look back, like one day you're doing something, and it makes you reflect, it makes you think of that life, and you have like an anxiety attack. You know what really gets me when I look back sometime? Like, to me, my kids, I have a 19 and a 17-year-old at the house, and I just think they're so ungrateful, like, how they waste shit, and they waste the food and shit. And, you know, oh, Mama, let me get your debit card. I could have never asked my mom for her fucking home book of food style. to stab my motherfucking ass.

And like, we grew up, we grew up eating like the chicken back and chicken ass. I don't know if you ever ate chicken ass, but it's like, it's like the pole nigga nuggets. Little ass to hang out the back of the chicken bag is. This little inch of it. Yeah, the little inch of it. Oh, I mean, by mistake. No, where I come from, that was, that was pole people chicken nuggets. So we grew up eating chicken ass where my kids is just, they're just so fucking wasteful.

And that shit, it pisses me off. It pisses me off so bad because I was. Like you motherfuckers are waste of when I grew up eating. I grew up thinking the only part of the chicken was a chicken back and a chicken ass because the wing and leg went to other people, grown people. We got the fucking back. You know there ain't no fucking meat on the back. You suck them bones and by the time you eat that little meat hanging off that ass

and then when you grow up and realize you ate a lot of chicken ass, you get pissed to fuck off. I was like, as many food stamps we got, why the fucker we eat chicken ass? Chicken ass is good until you know it's chicken ass. then you're like I ate chicken ass for years that's the craziest like the part for me that's hardest to like comprehend when you say you had a kid at 14 like all right yeah like how do you think about providing any like food or anything

for a kid when you're like at 14 I was excited to be making a hundred bucks a week at like a grocery store or something like that's I think when you have a I think as a when you have a kid and you're in a situation like Well, what I mean? When I had that kid that young, my survival move just kicked in. You know, like,

it's like if you... That's it. You just adjust. You just adjust. You have to adjust. Even like, even if you're a young 14-year-old boy who get kicked out on the street by your parents,

you got, it's your survival skill kicked in. If you got, if not, you're going to fucking die. So not only did I have me to feed, I had a fucking child to feed, which was hard.

I mean, a can of milk back in those days was $4. Fucking, that shit is really high now. I couldn't even. afford $4 so I would go to the local convenience store. I mean the little store on the corner and steal fucking milk

because I was, you know, I was too young to get a job. So there's like, you know, when I had my second child at 15, they was like, well, where's your work for me? So I would take them on interviews here, motherfucker. Me, Ashley and Nikea, that's my fucking work for me. Give a nigga job. But I wasn't old enough. So, you know, that's how the drug thing came

along. But you did drug for a while? Hell no. I sold drugs. No, I never did drugs. I never. smoke, drink, or anything. But your survival move kick in. So that's how I was able to, you know, to take care of the kids. Plus, I didn't want them to, I didn't want them to be fucked up like I was. I'm just thinking about, like, at 14, I think what, that's eighth grade, ninth grade? Eighth. Well, you know, back then it wasn't on middle school, so you went straight from elementary to high school. So I was in elementary school with a boyfriend with a car. And, you know, I'm not thinking I'm naive. I'm thinking this is the coolest shit in the world. I'm like, y'all ho's playing with these boys on bikes. My boyfriend. got to call my boyfriend got a call. You ride by the playground. Hey

hey! Hey! Y'all was like, y'all's some lame bitch. Your boyfriend got a huffet. My boyfriend got a shivvy with no with no flow board in the motherfucker and a boom box on the back seat. You know, I thought that was the life. Because back then, black people had just calmed down from tolling the boom box. So they was no longer told them they was putting them on the backseat of their car so they can have, if you

couldn't afford the boom, you put the fucking the boom box on your box on your. back seat. So my boyfriend had a call. Y'all boyfriend had a fucking huffy. I thought it was cool. And I was in the eighth or seventh grade. There was a kid

in my class that knocked up a chick. And he was going to fucking live with it in the seventh grade. Juan Soto was his name. He was 13 going on 35. Did she keep it? You know what? He never came back to school. Well, he couldn't. He probably had to go fucking

staff. Yeah, he had a little job. No, he got a job. never ever ever heard from him or saw him again but i always thought about him like what he was in love with this girl they were like childhood and they would walk home together i think she she was in he was in the seventh grade she was in the eighth grade but he was like 13 he had got left back because it was english when he came from cuba so but to fucking uh commit to a home at 13 like that's it man it's it was it's fucking hard it's it's a You said something. You go, it's like, listen, when my mother died at 15,

I hadn't made choices. I could have lived with family in California or Miami, but I was already two years in this motherfucking high school. My shit was just starting to get together. So I moved in with a family, man. And they provided electricity for me and a bed and food, but I had to do my own thing. And I thought my mom left Social Security

and there was no prudential insurance and none of that shit. And I had to get a job and I learned And I went without I got into drugs You know I made my own bed You know But it was very I think about it now

How I still remember being 17 And I own a bookie 800 bucks And it's Tuesday And you gotta give it to him on Thursday I look back a lot too And how the fuck did I survive Me too

You know especially being shot And being through all the bullshit that I want to do I was never shot I was just hunted Things you've never got me. They were hunting for me. They just never got me. I mean, and it is a girl, so you really don't expect

girls to go through, girls to go through all that bullshit. You know, I was in a very abusive relationship. Here I am, 15 with two kids, and this man, like 23 years old, married with a wife at home with his second baby. And I'm, well, he just had his

second baby, and I'm on, I'm on his fourth baby because I'm having my son by him. So, you know, it was fucking rough. It was, I look back sometime and it scared the shit out of me. Honestly. Your heartbeats. Yeah, like writing this book brought up so much shit that I locked out.

It sucks dick, don't it? Right now. Yeah. Sucks dick, don't it? I think sucking dick is a little bit better than writing. Oh, my God. Fucking, did I tell you what happened? I had three chapters, two chapters ready to go.

I had one more for the fucking thing you got to give them. And the website went out of business. And I didn't save it. I didn't back it up on cloud. So I waited until I just hired a dude I went and got a fucking Pro Mac and I went to work and every day I'd do a thousand words You writing one now?

A thousand words I gotta have this done by the end of August At least three chapters for the motherfucking proposal man This has taken me three fucking years But it's basically because The chapter he wants me to write Is hell Is hell It's from 79 to 85

those are my hell years. I got a thousand good stories and I got a thousand bad stories. Yeah. But I thought I never had a thought, think about it again. And those feelings. Yes. Those feelings.

You know what? Because I had a lady by the name of Janine Amber Rota with me. What she did out of writing, I told the story. I, you know, I like being honest. I have to give her credit. She did a fucking remarkable job. You know, helping me write this book. But it just, it brings.

brought up so much shit that I didn't talk about. It brought up so much feeling that I had buried it. I mean, it was so many, it was so many times we had to stop the interview and we would cry together. Like when I got into the stories of with the kids' father and, you know, the biggest issue that I realize is like, wow, I'm 15 pregnant with two kids. I mean, got two kids by a married man and society don't give a fuck. they literally allowed this grown-ass man to come to the hospital and sign my keys versus who's eight years older than me nobody ever questioned it nobody and you know what what gets me now i'm 45 and i say to myself fuck if i was a white girl what that shit had happened

i truly believe that motherfucker would still be in jail it was a different time it was a different place this country has changed in 30 years so much well you can you can can say that it has changed a lot even for the black community but I still think that I mean I'm one of those lost calls you don't hear a lot about what black women go through in

you know in the ghetto like with team pregnancy and stuff like that they don't give a fuck about people like me people like me was supposed to you know we never rise to the top I think that's how they kind of see it so I think that's why people are so shocked they're like yeah two fucking

kids and 15 and you didn't use drugs you this and you that. I mean, I'm like, come on. Even the hospital in the black community should have done something when I had that first kid by that man. Let me answer you something. What do you think happened after you had the first child? If the child was three months old, you had thought about what's happened. Your frame of mind's a little different.

If you picked up the phone and down 911, let me ask you, what do you think would have happened? What year was this? What did you think would have happened? Well, I mean, I'm 14, so I'm supposed to have a parent that was supposed to be taking care of me for once. And it was a casework involved that wanted my mama to do something, but she didn't do shit. Now, times have changed a lot now where the states would step in and say, no, bitch, this ain't going down. Something ain't right. Something ain't right.

He's fucking 15, and you're 20 and you're 18. Yeah. You know, is that the grandpa? Yeah, exactly. So I'm 14 and got a baby by a 21 year old man. That is fucking ridiculous. Can I ask you? Because there's obviously racism in the world.

But is it a racism thing? Or do you think it's a money issue? I think it's a society issue. I don't think it's racism. I just think it's, you know, like, it's like you can meet a white person that don't know what the fuck go on on the other side of the track with other people, other than people that look like them.

And they don't want to know. And they don't want to know. But I'm going to tell you something just to put, and I'm not protecting the white man, but I got to state my case here if I'm going to speak up. Yeah. In 1983, and I've told me this story. I was a 20-year-old kid, and I got a job in a warehouse. That's the best I could do.

Ten an hour, you stock pipe, electrical thing, and we had a load three trucks. And there was a dude that was maybe, at the time, 38 to 40. His wife was 16. And she would ride in the truck with her. She was a scared little return to white girl. And, you know, I worked for a couple months. And one day, I had to go on the delivery with him, and I asked him. How is this?

And it goes, the parents gave it to me. They signed her over. We have a child together. This motherfucker was 40. She was barely 16 or 15, man. And everybody on this job site knew the situation. but they also knew that this dude just did like 12 years in prison and just got out like four years early for like murder or something and the guy had a heart of gold

That was his only flaw like he had a hard dick to be yo You don't know about a hard to go when you talk to him you could see the fucking that he wasn't all there You could see that he probably got hitting the head with a kid with a rock or he played football Yeah he had more than somebody somebody gave him to it But nobody but nobody investigate to see you if somebody really gave him that 16-year-old girl? Never. He worked there for years. Even after I quit, I was still friends with the people there

because I did drugs with them, bought drugs with them, and we would always talk about him. And he was solid. He was on time. He did his delivery. So nobody asked questions. Most child molasses are solid in no time until you catch you. Listen, in 1970-something, Led Zeppelin, Jimmy Page, traveled with a 14-year-old girl across the country.

I was a runaway and fucked her for years. Till today, they're saying that they should have charged them which they'd totally raped. There's a thousand situations in this country. You know, thousands. It's fucking crazy. And some people go to jail. And some people fucking.

Well, it's a lot better now because if you tried this shit today. I mean, look at Arkele, he got, he's trying, they body lock his ass up for 18 years. What did he do? What is going? He's got a coat somewhere. Speaking of R. Kelly, the cops are coming. Look at R. Kelly.

Carlis spirit somewhere. R. Kelly, I'm picked up. Okay, so let's do the whole biography of R. Kelly here. Because I want to be part of the black community tonight. I just sent my 23 and over package. I'm waiting for the results. You want to know if you need to be mad at R. Kelly. And they tell you what you're going to die from.

Damn. Like they do the DNA thing and they can be kind of. or diabetes. Oh, why do you want to know that? Because what the fuck, dog? I really want to know the origin of who the fuck I am. Because some dude, about two years ago, fuck with my head. He said he did a trace, and I'm related to a Sicilian lieutenant in Sicily in 19, fucking 10.

And I looked the dude's picture, and I do look like I could be his nephew. But look at my father. I look like him. I look like my mother. I look at, when I was a kid, I saw a picture of my mother's family. family. But in those days, their family is really what you call the gangno in Cuban, which means they have part Indian blood in them. When Columbus went to Cuba, he killed a bunch of Indians. But some of them lived and fucked some white Cubans. And the white Cubans fuck some black slaves. Isn't it wonderful when you mix?

It's really, so Cuba's just one big mix. Black people too? Everybody's one big mix. You know me, dog, I'm an Amazon. I'm as honest as I can. when the first time I saw a picture of my sister, like I didn't remember my sister when I left Cuba. But when I was like six, my mother came home running. I got school pictures from Cuba, your sister. Take a look at it. And I saw that dark skin.

I was like, hmm. I got questions, but I ain't going to ask them. I never said nothing. You know what? I have a brother who's, we know this bireration, but we're supposed to have a sane daddy. And my brother is fucking black of the new headsets. My daddy was blacking in these headsets, but my brother is fucking biracial is hell.

I mean, you can tell he's fucking everybody. When I show you his baby picture, everybody thinks he's a white little girl. Really? Yes. But nobody ever say, you know good and damn where that's one of your fucking daddy. Is there a stigma and like among black people like with skin color? Well, light skin brothers. Remember Pierre?

That was his claim to fame. Yeah. Who's light skin brother? You don't like being a light skin brother and shit. Well, well, light skin brother was really. really popular. I think dark skin is right now. Everybody like the dark skin. Ikraib, Abis. What's his name? Abis Bidvis. Idriselba? Yeah, they like him like Edra Elba. That's like a 10 point. Well, you fucked up his name.

I thought you tried to say an opera singer. I got to tell you this story, Ms. Pack, because you ain't going to believe this. What? So I'm six. I see the picture of my sister. She's a little dark skin. My godmother's dark. Who was my Santeria godmother. And she pretty much, I was, I lived at a house. You know, she would cut. the chicken and cook it up. You know, and Orlando Cepeda was a famous baseball player. So I was like, man, some of these Cubans are black, you know. All right, fuck it.

I'll live with it. We get to Miami one time. And again, my mother comes to the hotel. She goes, look at the picture of our family. Look at our cousins. And she opened up that fucking portrait. And there was 30, it looked like an NBA basketball team with one little white trainer. Uh-huh.

In the corner, and I told her, I said, listen, I don't know what fucking voodoo you're trying to play on me. That ain't my fucking family. So your mom was like? I was, I must have been eight. We were in Miami. We were at my godmother's house. It was like seven in the morning. She was all the side.

Cuba's got dark skin. But at that time, I didn't know for sure. So what you're thinking they was black people? I'm looking at a picture of my sister. She's dark skin. I'm looking at my mother. I'm looking at my dad. am I adopted?

You know what I'm saying? Like something ain't right here that my sister's fucking black And I didn't want to, and I knew how kids They come out of the pussy, I knew all that shit But I didn't have the balls to ass. So I lived with that little stigma for two years That, okay, I got a black sister

That's just the way life is, okay? Not one time it crossed your mind Maybe your mama pussy was on borrow that day? I have no fucking idea. So now she shows me this In the 70s, they would send you these pictures and like a portrait style and you'd open them up.

When I look at your cousins and I saw all them black people I looked like I said listen I know what the fuck you're talking about These are not my cousins Miss Pat She threw a beat on me Like left right

Left right Left right Kick to this stuff She threw a black She threw a black big nose Yeah like Go in the fucking room And don't come out

That's your family When you accept it Come out of the room What do you think You're fucking white You little piece of shit She just went off. You got black fucking skin.

Look at your father. Look at your fucking sister, stupid. And after that, beating, fuck it, I'm black. Whatever you said. Welcome to the other side. Was you at the soul food restaurant and got kicked shot up today? No. You know what meant I don't need soul food out here.

I gave up. I haven't gotten any good soul food in California. You're not going to get it. I only get it down south and allowed. And it's very overpriced. Everything out here is damn over price Let me tell you some There's a little joint

That they've converted Four or five times Lee used to always go to a joints Call Skinny Kitchen When Lee used to go The first started going In the skinny kitchen There was a black joint

Next to it Do you not remember Lee? You took me there I'm pretty sure With the hash We had three pieces of chicken Listen Miss Pat Three pieces of chicken

And two side orders $36 $36 What the fuck? Listen to We didn't look at each other. Listen, I don't give a fuck. I know you're trying to make a living.

But when you leave there, you go, the chicken was fantastic. But you think about it. There's a seat. You go, $0.36. Wait a minute. Two plates was $36. And they were two-piece chicken dinners. Like with two pieces of chicken and macaroni and cheese or a little piece of fucking corn.

So that place closed down. Of course. Then across the street on the same side. 50 yards up. There used to be a hot dog stand. They got lines of black people standing out there in North Hollywood, right? Motherfucking. You're my pink?

No, no, no, no. Right now, you go to North Hollywood, three blocks from here, that main street, there's a movie to the Lemley. Right next to the Lemley, there's a little fucking place that has 15 tables. It's a diner. It was closed forever. It's a diner that's closed forever, and they got tremendous

fucking fried chicken in there. But, Ms. Pat. They open? They open? open right now until 10. But Ms. Pat, I gotta tell you something. My wife brought it home. My wife's in the South. We ate it.

We had a good time. And at the end, my wife goes, how much you think that cost me? I go maybe $28. Boom, 50 bucks. We both, because we're both leased fried chicken, motherfuckers. I go to Nashville.

I get in that car. I head east. And there's a leased fried chicken. It's blacker and black in there. I go in there. I get 22 pieces of chicken for $2. You know what I'm saying? $50 fucking.

I have to chicken over there. Well, how much do you think they're paying rent at that place? Oh, they're paying tremendous rent over there. But look at Rosco's. Went down in the fucking toilet. Oh, it was terrible. No, Rosco's in Hollywood is done.

I hear that Roscoe's on whatever still has a little bit of dignity left. There's a server at the one in Hollywood who listens, and he's very nice. But the food was terrible. The food's terrible. I've heard that from various people. I've never liked Roscoe. I like Roscoe's the first time I went to hang out. line nobody. I was the first time I

tasted a piece of chicken and maple syrup. My dick got hard. But I know it ain't good for you. You can't eat chicken with maple syrup every goddamn day. Nothing good is going to come from eating chicken with maple syrup. I'm glad I didn't bring no chicken with maple syrup. The issue with it now is like it's faster

than McDonald's. They have it ready. Yeah. It's not good. We had it. Yeah. You know, I've tried it, but I never liked it when I first came out here. Now, next time I go to Atlanta, do I go to Glass. No, glass clothes.

No, son fucked her over. Really? I think so. Last time I went there was a line. That's why I didn't go down there. Yeah, go to get somebody to take you to Riverdale, Georgia. That's right outside Atlanta by the airport. And it's a place over that called Annie Lores, and that shit is good.

Let me tell you the best sold food is if you go to a place and they ain't got no roaches, the food ain't no good. Roaches are going only hang around where the food is good. So are you supposed to see roaches immediately when you walk in? No, but I haven't seen any of any lores either, but the food's so good you just know some roaches in there somewhere. This is my take on it. You ready? Yeah. When I see a black-style restaurant with white decor, I tend to stay away from it.

The best food I've ever had. Raggedy? No. This motherfucker was frying pork chops on the street with white bread and hot sauce. He must have way full. a quarter. He had a guinea t-shirt on. He was sweating his armpits and those pork chops. That do be some good ass food. Oh, my God. I was 390 and I must eat eight of those pork chops on white bread with hot sauce. Oh my God. That's a pretty. That was the best pork chops I ever had in

my life. So I don't eat pork chops anymore, but that's some good shit. I don't eat pork chops either, but those Puerto Rican style black style pork chops. Oh, shit. Ain't that like it. You know, that's the best food on the side of the street. No, no, that's it. That's it. All that. Once you see a black style restaurant Trying to act like fucking Wolfgang puck Yeah I don't go in there

That's a waste of your time You're gonna get a small serving I ain't going places where you get Fucking small servings of food And then you want all my money I'm like what the rest of my fucking food Houston got good Houston got good spots too

Miss Pat you got so angry When we went for tacos After the podcast last time Because you're used to East Coast tacos Uh huh And I think we went in the They give you like the little disc Oh my God

And it's like a fucking appetite Well, when you took, where did you take them? Cactus. And what she eat? I think she got like that. Nothing. That little shit, I don't remember tasting it. We'll go tonight. Yeah, it was like super fucking. Listen, those tacos are good.

Those carnage inside of tacos. I don't eat pork. I don't eat pork, especially somebody else cooks it. Okay. I want a witness and I'm Cuban. It's an insult. Okay. Those carnage inside of tacos with that.

How many of that end up eating? But you got to get it with the avocado and the cheese. You got to work on that. The keto diet, you know what I'm saying? The keto diet. The capacalla, that's a good fat. Okay. They said it is shiny.

They said a lot of shit is a good fat until you gain weight. Right. No, I understand. You don't listen. You're just going to. Anyway, let's get back to Ms. Patton having a fucking kid in the fucking ambulance. That's what people want to hear. Not what the fuck is going on in Rosco's.

Nobody gives a fuck. You can go to Yelp. Let's least favorite. My new podcast. It's great to see you, first of all. You look beautiful. I've heard, you know, about your success over the year. I read your tweets.

fucking with motherfuckers. I'm always going at people. I mean, thank y'all so much. I mean, the podcast family, a lot of this shit wouldn't happen without you guys. You know, back in the day, a lot of comments got their breaks from Johnny Carson. I got to say these podcasts

has truly been my fucking Johnny Carson. Who do you think you're dealing with joy bananas? I wouldn't have a dick if it was a podcast. You know why? We came out and told them the truth. I don't give a fuck what I tell them no more. You can't give a fuck. I'm going to die in fucking 10 years.

They're going to know the whole fucking story. My brother a lot. Yeah, because it's true. They've got another whole fucking story. I just lost, you know, I'm a big football fan, so I went to the Falcons game. I went so great for you for. Oh, fuck you. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, he got that boston fucking shirt. Jesus Christ. I got Super Bowl tickets from Lee Daniels, you know, who does Empire because he's the one that's behind my, behind the TV show they develop him for me. Oh, man, I tell you, it was the worst night of my life. Not only did my Falcons lose my, we was winning the first two quarters. Three quarters. Was it three? Most, yeah.

Yeah, most of the night we was winning. And it was so fucked up because when we started to lose, I went in the bathroom and hid. And my husband texted me. And he said, my sister just had a massive heart attack watching a game. And I'm like, fuck your sister. I'm about to have a heart attack. The Falcons is losing the spot. They lose the Super Bowl.

then I get a text back that she died and it was so fucked up because she died and she died the night of the Falcons losing Super Bowl so I'm crying but I don't know who the fuck I'm crying for and I told my husband I said I tell people I say you might think it's

a bad that I lost my sister-in-law that night but you got to look at it like this at least she died in the third quarter I mean the fourth quarter and she think the Falcons won the Super Bowl she didn't stay alive to the whole shit I'm the bitch that left there with a heart broken I almost had a heart attack. What she died?

She was cheering for the foul. Tom Brady gave her a heart attack? Fuck yeah, Tom Brady gave everybody a heart attack. Fucking Tom Brady killed her. So now I hate Ron O'Regan and I hate fucking Tom Brady. Runner Reagan killed my dog and Tom Brady killed my sister-in-law. Damn. So she was cheering and she had a massive heart attack and died.

You really like football, though, right? I fucking love football. I thought you were a Raven fan. for something. You ain't thought I was no motherfucking Raymond fan. I'm all the way in line. I thought you were a Ray Lewis fan and shit. Ray Lewis, you don't lost your goddamn mind. Come on. I thought you were running with him and slinging and shit with Ray Lewis.

You know what Ray Lewis, the black community is not liking his ass right now. What do he do now? He just, the whole Colin Kaepernick thing, you know, he's saying I don't know what he's saying, but he's all against Colin Kaepernet because he's decided to protest, you know,

for what he thought was right. And this is America. You should be able to protest when you feel a certain way about a situation, it's not illegal to protest. Well, that motherfucker ain't got a job now. Who? Copernic. Who?

Copernicke. Whatever his name is. Capernic. No, he ain't got a fucking job. He don't have a job because of protest. We live in a corporate fucking world. Before you go into any profession, I suggest you read that dude I did the longest yard with.

That dude had tears coming out of my eyes. What's that white boy that fucking, that's the longest yard? That was a lineback at Oklahoma that left early. And then fucking Warner Brothers game to them Purdue. Game 21 million, three movies. He did the first. The Seattle guy?

Yeah. Then Seattle knew he had bad shoulders, but they got a million-dollar insurance on him. From Lloyd to London, and they signed them, and they put him up in Seattle. And then the NFL were hating them. They fucking hated him. So he would tuck his shirt out. they would find him his game check and he kept doing it

I mean the stories of the NFL they don't fuck around so Kepernik I understand Kampernick whatever your fucking name is this is America and I stand I stand what you believe for but there's different ways of doing it in different situations I mean you know

I look at it like this I look at it like this And I ain't mad at Kepernak I get it fucking Kaperna Kepernick whatever the fuck is name is you know that I understand where he's coming from but you also understand now the world you're

Well when do you bring attention to the police killing black people? When is a good time to bring attention to that? Because it seems like you know it's you know you don't have to worry about it if it's not in your community and you know I drive 35

I'm Cuban I'm white and I drive in L.A. worried especially at night. If you don't think I'm worried in L.A. America. You should You should be able to, you should be able to, this was great about this country. This is what's great about this country. You should be able to protest and, you know, for what you believe in. There's never a right time.

You know what I'm saying? It ain't like he went out there like Ray Lewis and killed somebody. Man, ain't never committed a crime. All he did was a silent protest. And he did it two weeks before they even notice it. I mean, you know, they want to say you disrespecting the national anthem. But being black in America, I have black kids. You know, it's America.

This country is great. I love this country. But then again, you have to think about how they treat young black men in this country. It's scary being a black mama today. It is fucking scary. And I say this all the time. I'd rather fight breast counsel than be a black parent of a young black man in this country. Because it's something that I worry about.

It's like a lot of you don't know if your child is next. so when do we speak up you know what miss pat the last fucking five years some wild shit's been going on i mean it's crazy god you know sometimes you go i hate cameras but now motherfuckers a cat but they don't even care they don't even care the cameras don't even get the cameras i mean i don't even talk about all other people that been shot one thing that really fucked me up joey is just google it they shot a 12 year old boy and a paw

in Cleveland, Ohio for playing with a toy gun. He's just out there playing like any other 12 year was. If that don't say fuck black people, nothing else will ever will. That's what scares me.

We're living in wild times. And listen, and tell me I'm lying I got a four and a half year old. And if you don't think at one point in a night when I got up to pee, I worry about her future. You fucking kill. We all worried about it. I mean, we don't know, Where are we heading at?

I mean, all of us together. Where are we just fucked? Did you see like twice in the past couple months in Baltimore? Their own, uh, oh my God. Their own cameras have caught them planning drugs on people. I'm like, come on police. When I sold drugs, I wasn't these scared of the police. They was fucking nice people.

And you cannot clump them all together because I have friends that police officer. You cannot clump them all together because there are some good police officers. It's some bad. Apples in every fucking job. It's some bad firefighters and bad teachers for a bad police officer. I mean, but it scares me when I get pulled over.

I'm scared than the motherfucker. It scares me. This is what scares me that they hire these. Don't they fucking do evaluations on these police officers? Well, some reason these nut bags are passing. You've been locked up? You've been locked up? Yeah, yeah.

You've been county or locked up state? I've been state. Okay. When you go to state, you're in county for two, three weeks. They talk to you, okay? Then they transfer you to a fucking evaluation joint, correct? Yeah. They draw blood.

They check you out. They're looking your fucking monkey. They're looking your dick. They look in your asshole to make sure you don't got a set of dice in that motherfucker. A set of dice. Right? Then, Dan, I don't think I can fit no doubt in my asshole. Then they do give you an aptitude test.

Remember that day? Mm-hmm. Well, they ask you it with two plus two is four. Where's Africa? What? What president got shot in a movie theater? You know, they asked you off. I dropped out of school.

I'm going to ask another. Right. And then they get deeper in your shit. Yeah. And the third day, it's five days. And I forget what it's called now because we're talking about it. Okay. So they do this one test on you where they talk to you.

We don't, you don't remember. I remember not vividly. Yeah, you older than me. They just lock my ass up. They talk to you. A psychoval. Then you take a test and then you start putting holes and shit and then you go back and talk to that motherfucker And then then you go to where your

Classification goes you end up going to where you're going But that paperwork goes to the feds and that paperwork is typed in into a database, okay with your DNA with your fingerprints with your tendencies with what they think you'll do and what options you have. I mean, you know, but it's a computer doing the percentages of your... What's the word? Recidivism?

Recivited, whatever the fucking word is, okay? They break it down. And that report goes to your prison counselor. How accurate they are? It changed my life when I heard what it said on that piece of paper, which you're not supposed to find out. Your attorney's supposed to file a motion.

And if the state doesn't want to give it to you, I found that because I kept busting the counselors. And he kept telling me, you don't want to know it's on that paper. What did they say? He was crazy. They said that at that time I'm 25, I'm 26. And from the age of 16, I hadn't stopped robbing. Some people I knew drug dealers.

And, you know, when you're not on drugs, all that shit, you start thinking about it, right? When you're clean? Yeah. That's when you start going, oh shit. I almost had a thousand dollars. Oh, fuck. Let me go shoot this bitch. No, let me go.

I got a call now and go, Miss Pat. You know what happened. I know when I gave you the money, you were cracked up, baby, but you know how it is, Ms. Pat. So you remember all this shit you did, and what the fuck are we talking about here? So I kept breaking his balls. You were talking about some evaluation. Right.

So I kept breaking his ball. So I'm feeling bad that I was robbing people and breaking into people's houses and drug dealers and shit. So I asked him, talk, tell me what it says on there. He kept telling me, you don't want to know. You don't want to know what it says on there. What the fuck did he say? And one day he broke down. He goes, all right, motherfucker.

I'll tell you what it says. He goes on there that if I had something you wanted, I can't trust you. If you really wanted it, you'd take it from me. I went back to that room crying. I'm just a fucking thief. And I avoided him, and one day he came to me. He goes, why you've been avoiding me?

you didn't want to hear what you heard, did you? He goes, but you didn't hear what I was saying. He goes, I didn't tell you you were a thief. I was telling you that if you want to do something, you can do it. Go do your thing. You got, you know what I'm saying? Like, he encouraged me. I took it as I was a thief.

So he fucking cracked me, Ms. Pat. But all that paperwork goes to the feds. And they tapped that in. At that time, maybe my shit slipped. It was 88. The computer system. It wasn't on tap. But now you go into a database,

and as soon as a crime, similar to that happens, your name pops up. Yeah. You know, they have systems now that's amazing. Once they got that fingerprint on you, they got your nymphon narcotics of felony. They got your hair. They got everything.

I don't know. That's a good question. How do these bad police officer get police officer jobs? Well, okay. In 1979, 78. The Cuban population was growing so much in Miami that the fucking city council had a meeting real quick, real quick, dog. And so, look, we ain't going to get federal funding

unless we saw hiring some more motherfucking Cubans. So they went after these kids, and they never did background checks on their Juby records. And they hired 20 cops. And this became fucking huge. This was the 80s when cocaine was blossoming. They knew information on your dog. They would pull you over, open up your trunk, take your coke, shoot you in the head, put you in the trunk, and leave you on the side of the road.

At the end of the week, these guys had a warehouse. Full of coke. Full of coke and money. And they would play cards with a kilo on the table, with a knife in the kilo. And they would just snort for hours. These guys were lieutenants on an anti-drub. unit. So they had all the info and all four of them. If you put river cops up on the thing, not like a video, there's got to be an article about the Miami River cops. When they came out,

they went to prison like in the 80s and they came out in late 90s and I was doing coconut grove then and people were putting-ocon-grove, yeah. People were putting posters up of these cops trying to get a petition not to let them move back into their communities. God damn. That's how fucking crazy these cops were. They even did a movie about these motherfuckers. So this shit starts like this. This is how it starts.

You know, it starts like this. And every, you know, a corrupt cop is somebody who has three kids, a girlfriend. Three kids on a girlfriend. Okay. And guess what? And guess what, Miss Pat? You know, tell me the truth, Ms. Pat.

You're a street motherfucker, okay? Yep. You were street motherfucker, okay? You ever watch the show Miami Vice? Oh, the first and the real one, yeah. The episode. Yeah.

Lee, in Miami Vice, this is how it went down. I knew Lee and you knew Ms. Pat, okay? Gotcha. Okay? I walk into this office right now with you. You're in for 10%. Miss Pat sells me two kilos of Coke.

In front of Ms. Pat, I take a violent light one. a chemical, I take a little bit of Coke and I shake it. To make sure it's real. And if it comes up purple, I give Ms. Pat the money and we shake hands. Let me tell you something. That shit only happens in the movie. If Miss Pat is Miss Pat,

Miss Pat's going to want that motherfucker to open up that kilo and do three lines of Coke. Or maybe do a fourth and drink half that bottle of tequila. She wants to know what this motherfucker's about before she moves in on giving them two fucking kilos, okay? That only happens in Fairytale land. So these

cops become addicted to drugs. Yeah. A lot of people don't know that shit, Lee. So let's say I'm going after Lee Syatt. Lee Syatt's a fucking big-time Coke dealer. I get him with Lee Syatt. If Leesayat goes to a club and what do I tell Lisa, I don't do blow? You're not going to trust me, Lisa Ann. Yeah.

So I got a snore Coke. So after you got arrested, they put me in a rehab. I clean up. They withdraw the trial, the witnesses from, 45 days. They got all the drugs out of my system. They shaved me. They changed my hair color. They put a suit on me

and they make me go in there with a police uniform on. How's that one for you? Holy shit. And there you have it, my friend. Now, Miss Pat, all your days on the street, you ever sell crack to a motherfucker that you didn't see with a pipe in his mouth? No. No. Okay.

You can always tell the police, I mean, when you saw enough drugs, when you saw enough drugs, you can pretty, because the police no matter how much they try to blend in somewhere they don't blend it. I remember seeing one one time in a he had a he was undercover and he had a baby seat

in the back seat and he had another guy in the car with him and his partner jump out and come down by the drugs but he pulled down too quick so I said either these motherfuckers gay with his babysit in the back they're the police and they was the fucking police And you know how it's a drug dealer You could ask him

You the police They're supposed to say yes or no And he's like you the police And I remember one of the little young guys Like we'll shoot your ass And he left real quick And I was like This motherfucker come back

With a whole unit of bitches I grabbed my kids And went home Everybody got busted It's helped me Yeah There was a time there Where I had a dude

That was working me That ratted And he was working me Man And I caught on After the second time What is working me? working me, you know.

Okay, so I know Ms. Pat five years from the street. Miss Pat, what up? I got to, you know, I give Miss Pat He was undercover? No, he gets busted. I'm a Coke dude.

Also, I get busted. And they say to me, listen, what we want is Miss Pat. Miss Pat sell him major Coke. I try to put him off. I like Miss Pat, man. I love Miss Pat. Come on, go to Miss Pat

and tell Ms. Pat that you want to buy two ounces. Two ounces is what they could get you on and give you time and conviction. Yeah. Okay, so now, you know, I'm Joey Diaz, Ms. Pat. He's been coming over the house for years buying a gram, and he's always $5 short. Now this motherfucker wants two ounces cash with fresh $50 bills. Nigger, please.

Thank you for saying. That's how they get you. Sometimes. When a crack-ass short with a lot of money, you're like, what the fuck you get this button from? You ain't never bought over. $50 worth a note. You know what I'm saying? You hit the lottery, bitch?

That's how they used to come at me. So for months, you've been buying an eight ball and asking me for $20 off because we're friends. And all of a sudden, you show up here and wanted two ounces. Then the second time, no, the first time he showed up on like a half ounce, and he was shaking. Uh-huh. And then the second time, he goes, I want to buy two ounces, but do me a favor, I'll give you the cash. Let's go outside. So they were up.

50 yards with the fucking things. Monoculars and shit, yeah. And I just went outside and I said, nah, I don't want to talk about it. It's too cold. And right there I knew, and I go, let me call you later. As soon as he fucking left,

I took all those fucking scales, all those aluminum falls. I got them all the way out of there. I had a job as a security guard at a hotel. And they gave me a security guard. At two hotels, dog. In 1984. And you a drug dealer?

I was a fucking, I was. Well, at least you paid taxes. Listen to me. What fucking drug deal? I was doing everything. Robbing. Slinging. It was crazy.

I was a security driver. Joey, you make me sound like a fucking nun. Oh, my God. I was 21 fucking years old, man. And I was just watching people check into the hotel room. Waiting to rob them? I'd wait until they go to that hotel room and I'd be right there when they're registered. Do you want to use the same?

Now, we got travelers. Just. bam, when they go skiing, you got 10 hours to go in their room. You go in their room and cook a meal and come back, and they will never fucking know it, man. It's fucking crazy. They're probably really excited

when they saw you. They're like, oh, this place is good security. I can tell he's really looking over us. And the security guys were one robbing the shit out of you. There was like eight guys on security, so they never fucking know. That's why I don't leave my shit in a hotel. Me neither. I don't leave person's shit. I take my computer with me.

And I always put, I don't wasn't no maid in the fucking room either. No, I don't want that bitch. They always don't weigh my fucking eyelashes. That's the biggest problem I have with housekeeping. I think the Mexican housekeeping, they don't wear eyelashes so I don't know what the fuck they think they are,

but they're reusable. And when I take them off, they throw the bitches away. That is the most fucked up shit you ever said. Let me tell my problem. I have made more hotels give me $5 for eyelashes than it. I was like, look, the bitch do wear my eyelashes. I want my motherfucking eyelashes back. Oh my God.

Listen to me, dog. I got a fucking ear problem. When I was a kid, I put a bean on my right ear. And I didn't tell my mother, so they had to go in my ear, and they found the bean. So my ears all fucked up. It is prout? Kind of. Well, that's better than having roaches in.

It was a bean made of wood from a game called, Please Don't Spill the Beans. Oh, it wasn't even a real fucking bean? No, but my mother kept putting hot oil in that motherfucker, and it sprouted. And they took it out of my ear. Anyway, today, when I fly, when I take showers, I got to be careful of water goes in my ear and stays. Because if I fly the next day, then I go deaf. So I got to go to a doctor, they blow it out and put powder in there. It gets like a fungi in there if I leave the water in there.

So I got to put earplugs in my, every time I take a shower. Do you know I put the two earplugs in the shower and the fucking maid will throw the earplugs out every fucking time? I went through two boxes of earplugs in like eight weeks. an hotel dog. I know. They do this. Stupidest shit. They don't,

they don't empty trash camera. They'll throw your fucking eyelashes away. No, I stop letting them in. I couldn't do it. I don't let them in them or either. I don't want nobody in my fucking room. I don't want nobody in a fucking room.

No. And I'm the type of person. Like, I get, I throw my shit in the flow. So I don't want you looking at my dirty underwear. I don't, I mean,

I fuck up a hotel room. Now, I straighten it up at the end. But I will fuck up a hotel room. I throw everything on the floor, everything at the suitcase. for however many days I'm there. When I'm finally leave, then I straighten it up.

I threw the suitcase on the couch. I take the three outfits for the three nights. I lay them out nice. See, I want the socks right underneath, right? And I take the little security bag. I put the suitcase on the side. I put away my sleep battening machine. You got to sleep.

I just gave a way of sleep apnea machine. Fuck, yeah, I got a sleep apnea machine. That motherfucker flies right next to me. Man, I couldn't do that shit. I tried that bull. shit. I mean, it's hard. How bad is it? Man, how bad is it? You know what? I felt

is, it's not sexy at all. You look. I mean, you can't have that. Huh? You still look healthy. What numbers are you? What do you mean? What kind of numbers did you have? Did you do the sleep study? Yeah, I did the sleep study. And what they tell you? I don't know what they told you. Tell me the truth. I don't know. They just said I had sleep happening. They gave me this nice ass machine.

Okay. Nice mask. Nice mask. And I just recently put it on Facebook and gave it to a neighbor. Okay, so what did they tell you, Ms. They told me I'll stop a lot of time at night when I'm breathing. Well, what are you going to do about it, Ms. Pat? Because now you got me your own worried about it. I'm going to be sitting up sleeping like a vampire.

You know what I had to do? I had a fucking apartment that I paid $7.20 a month for it was rent control of one bedroom. Me and my girlfriend now, who's my wife now. And let me tell you something. They built the building in 19, before the wall where they had water for years. I would go in there. I would take a pillow on Ms. Pat, wrap it up in garbage bag.

I put it behind me and I put the shower on real hot. I would sleep for six hours in that fucking shower. The paint would peel off the walls and shit. So what are you? So you sleep with a mask now? Now I sleep with a mask. Because you snore a lot. At that time, I was 400 pounds.

You have lost some weight. I was doing Coke. I was smoking cigarettes. My diet was enough. Yeah, except smoking reef and... Nothing wrong with weed. I think it's the best shit ever.

Salute. Thanks for, you know... I think he's the best shit ever. So, my numbers have gone down. I fell asleep today with ice on my knees. I was ice in my knees. The baby was watching

something on the computer and I had something on. I think I fell asleep for 15 minutes. How much weight you lost? I have no, since the beginning, since I was 418, now I'm walking around between 298 and 303. Oh, that's great. Yes, that helped a lot. But I'm still no fucking Olympian.

I still got to stop. Did it, let me ask you, did it make your sex life better? Damn, you took a long deep breath when I said that one. My sex life got fucked up because of the cocaine use. because for a long time I was having sex with cocaine freaks Okay From

Let's be honest here From From 85 to 91 I was involved with a woman And we got married and had a daughter And then we got divorced And after that I became a comedian in 91 So from 93

To 2000 When I met my wife It was You know And even before that Before I met Kathy, it was 1983, 84, where I would just meet you. I knew Miss Pat, me and you were having some cocktails, you know, and all of a sudden I give you a little bump of Coke.

We're talking, let's go back to your house and listen to the chef. You know what I'm saying? We go back to your house, and next thing you know, it's two days later and we're still eating each other out, you know what? What the fuck? Yeah, that type of shit. Like, you know, two days later, you have to be. changed that character name.

I didn't eat nothing for two days. I'm just saying to you that. You didn't see that coming with us back? I didn't see that one coming. That drug shit. That drug shit makes people go crazy. I know. I got a need to.

I tell you, I'm going through that with, I have four kids now, four babies at my house, and just ran off and left them. So I don't know what she had there eating, but she's been going almost a year and a half,

almost two years. She called? No. You know what's fucked up? She started. a new Facebook page and I asked her to be my friend and she blocked me. That's fucked up.

I always, when I was a kid there were cartoons and every cartoon had like a kid running away from home and he had a broomstick and around the broomstick was a bag tied like a punching bag Lee. Right, yeah, your handkerchief. A hobo,

a hobo bag. A hobo bag. Yeah. You'd see kids walking down the street. And when I was like 12 or 13, I thought about it. I wanted to run away and move to French Lake Indiana where Larry Bird was from. And I'm like, and I'm like, in those days, you had to map it

out and shit. And I looked at the maps and I'm like, I'll hitchhike. At that time, I had a couple hundred in the bank. You know, but in your mind, it's like a fantasy when you're a kid that one day you're going to run away and people going to look for you and shit like that. And you're like, I ain't got the boss to run away.

I got laundry. I got meatloaf. twice a month, that's fucked up when a child just runs away. Yeah. And they end up on the other side of the coast on Hollywood Boulevard, not even prostituting, not even doing nothing bad. They meet another bunch of six kids that are homeless. And they live in like an old house that's ready to get knocked down behind, you know. We used to live down the corner here.

There was a house on the corner that people sold it because they wanted to build buildings there like an apartment complex within a month they had people what do you call those people squatters squatters in there

they had 12 what is squatters I think it's when you just go in and live there when you don't have like a claim to it yeah yeah yeah yeah I have a friend

who lived in a different state and when he went there he didn't have enough money for rent he he met someone and they said if you have a thousand dollars I can get your place to live they met and when he got there

she told him when the people come back like it was just a house that what like no one was at no one had like been to in a while she had like a fake deed and she had keys and they said if they ever if they ever sell it or something

it was like previously foreclosed if they ever sell it or so you'll need to get out and he was there for months he paid her a thousand dollars it's fucked up miss Pat so let's pretend life gets beautiful And you tell your husband and the children, listen, we're like the Jackson's.

We're leaving Gary, Indiana. You know what I'm saying? Plainfield, Indiana. Isn't it out of the Jackson's from Gary? They're from Gary, yeah. They're from Gary. Yeah. You say, listen, enough of this Gary's shit.

We're moving out there that ain't seen them. They bought a house. They bought a mansion. And you come out here. That house is open. The one that you just left is open. Yeah. You tell your mom to drop by there once a week and make sure it's all right,

or your dad or your uncle, whatever. And all of a sudden, three weeks later, they'll call you. And they'll tell you, there's people living in your house. And these motherfuckers got rights. Yeah, I was just going to say that. Miss Pat, they got motherfucking rights and shit. If they're their first certain amount of time, I don't know if it's, I think it might be in England.

I think in England they have like a lot of rights. Like, they actually get to stay in the house. It's fucked up, Miss Pat. They get to stay in the fucking house? In your house. How do you get them out? You got to, like, fucking take them to court and shit. I would drag the shit out of them some bitches.

We put out a Monday podcast We didn't pay Tony Bennett out of respect I want to be around To pick up the pieces Hey that's the music you listen to me You got a sugar daddy My mom used to play this shit But she had those sugar daddy

Who had loathes in his pants In the water And you can see his ankles It's that fantasy shit Where somebody's holding you With their hand in the palm of your back spinning you around like you don't dance another star. And your weeds just flowing in the air.

And you got on clean panties. Sounds nice. Don't that sound sexy. You fucked it up to you. He said clean panties. I like a little stain in there. I like a little dirt in there or something. You know what I'm saying?

Some gunpowder or something. Gun powder. What the fuck? You're trying to catch a STD, ain't you? You like your girl panties dirty. Is it a big thing that you think You know Not super dirty

Just a little dirty Let me ask you Is it a big thing That women underwear should match Match what Who cares Like the bra and the panties For years

I've been wearing holy underwear And I will wear my bra To the fucking strings Pop out of it I'm not a fan of Excuse me I'm not a fan of Victoria's Secret Oh I can't fucking fit

Victoria's Secret I don't know about your wife I'm a fan of a fuck that shit I'm a fan of a woman who just makes a pair underwear look good. You understand me? So how do you make a pair underwear look? Well, see, I don't have a flat stomach,

so it got to come over with my stomach. It don't matter. You know what I like it? Almost better than thongs is boy shorts. I can't fucking do the boy shorts. They go out my asshole. No, no, no, no, no, no. And I'll tell you what,

in some instances, and I believe in the God, in some instances, in some instances, I believe in the thong, but I also believe there's some of the, fuckers that Chanel wear her thong. I totally agree. Okay. I can't wear them. I want a woman to walk in my room with a pair panties on

that I don't give a fuck if they got a hole in them. She makes those things look banging. If the bra's different, that's good because now you can rip it. I got an excuse. They didn't match anyway. You follow me? Even if it's a $40 bra, you can rip the bra. You know what I'm saying? I wish my bras cost $40.

Now, when you take those underwear off, let's pretend what do you see? I don't look In the old days In the cocaine days I wouldn't look till later I wanted to play fucking Let me sniff the monkey

And guess the odor You know what I'm saying Holy shit That's how I throw them off That's how I sniff the monkey And guess the odor So what would Give me an odor that you smell

Piss I was a freak Listen to me I'd be a freak Jack Listen to me So let's pretend I met you. Did you stop? Did you stop?

That means that this favorite one. No, no, no, no. Let me tell you what a nasty Cuban freak I was. So let's pretend we hooked up in 10 and had a couple cocktails. At 11, 30, 12, you said to me, Joe, you want to come back to my place? We're all fucked up. We know what time it is. We go back to your place.

We put on the Aisley brothers. We dance a little bit. We make believe. It's black music. And then you're like, you're thinking, I'm going to let this. brother out here, chill for a little while. I'm going to go inside freshen up a little bit. Take a shower. I mean, I don't know what time

it is. I'm going to go washing good. But a freak like me, I don't want to, I'll never give you that opportunity. As soon as you start telling me, baby, I got to go I want that monkey fucking real. You know what I'm saying? I want it to be real. What's that song? To be real.

Got to be real. Got to be real. Got to be real. You're going to fuck around and get the wrong monkey. No, I don't get a fuck. I want that muffler. I want it all. Then after whatever. Then we throw it. That's nasty, Joey. No, you got to take a chance.

That's part of love. You ever had something that you had to get off of? Why you think it's so hard? One time. One time. One time. Two weeks after my mother died. A girl that I was kind of in love with,

kind of had a crush on. She was a year younger than me. Very, very cute. Very blue eyes. You know, we were young, sucking teddy finger. I kind of ate her. But this all shit happened on the street.

So my mother dies and she calls me one night. And she just puts it out there. Listen, I know you're probably feeling bad. What if I came over and threw you a little song? Like, this is 1979. And the thing was on that night. The one with Steve McQueen, the blob, the blob. I know the blog.

Oh, I do remember. I walked all the way over to a house, got her. Walked all the way back to my house. It was fucking freezing. We go upstairs. We swap spit. The lady who took care of me after my mother died, she was sleeping in my mother's room. I took her into my bedroom.

We swapped them to bed. I took a shirt off. She had a great breast. I took a pants off. I take her panties off. It was 1979, so Cotex were like this fucking thick. And that motherfucker opened up. Miss Patty just opened up, and I almost had a heart attack.

She put that thing back on, and I made a walk home by herself. I ain't got time for it. you come over here offering me a piece of ass and all of a sudden that shit's bloody, you're sure. My mother just died. I just found my mother on the floor and you're going to show up over here with a bloody snatch. What the

fuck is wrong with Americans? You know what I'm saying? That is one that you had to get up for, thank God for that one. You believe? That's the only time. Every chance I've taken it's the odor I expected and the order I wanted. Because that's the turns of mom when they say to you, you know, baby, I want to freshen up a little bit.

ran like three miles. That's what I looking in the eye and I go listen, that's how I want to eat it. Oh God. Joe, Dia. I want to eat that much. You don't want to eat no track, pussy. Yes, I do. That's what I want. She was so shocked they made her pronounce your name like, Bia.

Let me tell you some. Especially if it's got hair. It's crazy. Hair. Oh, my God. If it's got a little hair on there, and you go to yoga and come home. And I catch you right before you go in that shower. Oh, my God. I spread it out. Oh, Joe.

You fucking take that little garlic smell out of that motherfucker. Garlic? What is it doing with a garlic smell? It smells like garlic, but once you get deep, it smells like ammunition. It probably is aminition. The fuck is you talking about. That's why you coughing like that. That's that 79 vagina in your throat.

It smells like gunpowder. Like that, it gets in deep. Deep and then you... You're sure you wouldn't eat no robot? No, that's how it. I like yoga pussy. Because you sniff it. Gunpow?

And while you're looking at the clit, you're sniffing the hair patch. It's like like it just smells fucking tremendous right above that little monkey. Oh, Joey, no. Right about that clip about an inch and a half with that little sweat.

I hope your wife don't listen to this. No, my wife don't do. I don't do this to my wife. This is when I was doing. I'm just saying, I don't want her to know what you did in 79. I don't give a fuck. She knows. She got me tested twice.

I don't blame You eat gym pussy You should be tested twice Oh my God I got tested twice And then one time Before we got married It came up I had syphilis

And my wife was like What the fuck? My wife was pregnant And it came up That she didn't have syphilis So we're like You got the usher dick And then we went back

And they retested me And it was something That I was eating A pill gave me a reaction. There was no fucking syphilis. Let me ask you something. I never, ever, ever.

When I heard this the first time, I was working at Fox Sports. I had just moved here. It was 1997. And at Fox Sports, there were three sisters like yourself, from Atlanta to South, and they all worked in different divisions of Fox.

But when they got together, the Black came out. and they would talk the black gossip of the community and they started talking about Murphy being gay Will Smith is gay

I don't believe any of that he was freaking although bro these people had paperwork you know those type of sisters they were in the business they were going to these parties they were in the know when they first told me about

Eddie Murphy and there was somebody else they told me about that I almost shit my fucking pants. And then one night I was at the store and Eddie Murphy was there with Paul Mooney, Arsenio Hall, the singer. Singer from Whitney Houston's husband's band.

Bobby Brown. What's the other singer in that band? Oh, Johnny Gil. He was a Johnny Gill. And Richard Pry's manager was up there drinking with a fucking, he used to get fucking, fucked up of that. I forget what his name is.

And I was standing there with a couple other comics and he looked at me and goes Cuba. You want to see me rattle these motherfuckers? Watch this. He walked up to him and he goes, hey, so one of these motherfuckers going to do the Queens of comedy talk? And they just fucking

split, dog. At this time, when I had heard all this shit, it was mind-boggling. And then I asked, and he riffing. Then he riffing with Tommy different stories. the shit I didn't know about, but what the fuck

is going on with our shit? I don't want the white version. I want the black. Let's hold on. Let's first talk about the guy that pees about that guy. That's R. Kelly. Break down the black side of this report. I don't, I mean, all I know is R. Kelly is supposed to be keeping

some girls in his house and supposed to have a coat. But you know, supposed to not let them go. I don't know. They all went on YouTube and say they was fine. Yeah, but that's the first thing that have you doing a coat. You have to admit that there's no wrong. Let's hold on.

Let's trace it all the way back. I thought he had like a permit. This motherfucker married Alia and then I got a dog. Okay. Then tapes resurfaced. I've never seen the tape. Have you seen the tape? I don't even want to see it.

Of him married Alia or him pissing on somebody? Him pissing on him pissing on the girl, the underage girl. So he's been in trouble. Several times. And he's bought himself out. Yeah, he's got tons of money. He just bought rents a check. I do.

I mean, I kind of think. something that's wrong with Arkele. You know, it's like, and nobody's going to keep crying, crying the same thing about a particular person. You know, it's like, it's almost like when Bill Cosby got in trouble with all those women, you know, at first as a comic and, you know, Bill Cosby's a legendant, you know, five, two, three, we're like, oh, go fuck yourself from the 70s. Why would he cheat on his wife?

Yeah, why? Yeah, then it's 50. You're like, wait a minute. Well, not even at 50 at 10. You're like, come on, y'all. It's just too many people with the same story. I think I lost it at five And I was like, it's just too many people

Saying the same shit About this person So, you know They're gonna retrial him Are they? I mean, I want to believe it's not true But I mean, when so many people come out And say the same thing, same thing with R. Kelly

Everybody's saying the same thing, you know For some reason, he like his monkey young. And what about Usha? Usha's just supposed to be going around giving bitches hot dicks he's supposed to have a syphilis herpes he's supposed to go

I guess that's why he made that song Let it burn And the new girl the day came out She was a plus-sized girl And the internet did her No justice No justice Somebody I heard somebody say

She's sure she slept with the right Usher, the Usher, the Singer or the Usher from the concert I don't understand that What did she think was going to happen When she wouldn't like Why don't you just have Sue, I'm sure.

Why don't you put on a cut? Well, the first girl got a million dollars. So now everybody wants a million dollars. Yeah, but you don't need to do a press conference. But my thing is, is evidently, he was flared up when he fucked that girl. You can't say, Usher gay, you don't even have a herpes. So you wasn't in danger if you wasn't flared up. And, you know, I said it earlier.

You want, you know, it's like when you lay down with somebody, you don't protect yourself. Then you said, well, this person didn't tell me they had it. Well, you didn't tell him what the fuck. you had. I mean, if you're going to do one night stand, I truly believe both sides should say what you got. Yeah, you got to ask a question, hey, is your

dick on regular or is it irregular? Look at me. I'm not a good looking guy. When I saw a piece of pussy, it came as it came. If it had fucking some type of thing. Well, you ain't gym pussy. That's different. No gym pussy. I would meet girls in bar. You know, you do comedy.

You're an Indianapolis. You're in Indianapolis. I'm in Bozeman, Montana. And I got the weekend there. Friday and Saturday. It's part of a one night a week. You start on Tuesday and end up in Bozeman. The first show, the dog girl's cute. We talk a little bit.

The second show, we talk a little more. She sees me and I go outside and smoke pot when I come back. She goes, you should have asked. You know, now you have an idea of what's going on. You didn't protect yourself? Now, Saturday night, you don't fucking know. Saturday night you come back, and now she's talking to you about weed, and she says to her, she loves doing blow, and you go, so do why.

Can you get something? And she goes, yeah, I have a friend that can get your name off for $200. You tell him be here at 12 after the second show. Boom, you get it. You give her two bumps. She comes out. She tells you about her boyfriend who's in the Navy, and she misses him, and she loves him so much. And when he comes back, he's going to propose to her and shit,

and you start talking to a little more and actually, you know, she asked you for two more bumps and you talk to her about fucking this or that and she just told you that she had a boyfriend and shit so on the back of your mind, you're doing coke, but hopefully another, she's good looking, so maybe another freak will come over

and start talking to me. But this one here wants to talk to me, so eventually it's quarter to two. And now this, this girl's like, what are you going to do? Are you going to go home and finish that package? and I'm like, no, I'm going to go home and fucking, yeah, I'm going to go home and finish that package.

And then I'll ask you, do you want company? Yeah, I want company. Next thing you know, you stop at a lake of stone, get a fucking case of beer, a carton of cigarettes, and you go to the hotel room. You start snorting at two. By seven o'clock, somebody's going to be naked. You eat each other out.

You're 69. Why do you eat everybody? Because you got to lift that monkey. I'm a savage. You're 69. You suck that dits. Nobody's 69 and then they take. You God of my.

This one I was young. This when I was young. I was virile. I could pick women up his shit. He got to stop eating everybody. You meet, Joey. That's dangerous. Listen, I come in a minute.

So I got to make a good impression. You still come to me. At that time, I was coming real quick, especially if I just met you. I was excited just to take my dick out of those days. I'd blow up as soon as my dick touch your clit. I'd be. Oh.

Oh, Joey, you're so nasty. It was terrible when I was a kid. So my plan would be... I'm surprised you don't have a lot of kids. So this was what my plan was when I was... Once I got divorced, was when I realized I had a problem with ejaculation problems. Right? Like, something was fucking with my head.

When I first moved out from Colorado, I could put some dick out to you. In 85, I met a store this one night. And I put some dick on her. And then I met a neighbor. And she was 22 in college. And I don't want to have sex. But I'll give you blow jobs.

What the fuck is that? So I would go to the house at night, and after like an hour of bad TV, she'd suck my pipe. That was it. Then I met my future wife. And we were both into Coke. And once we moved to Aspen, those were fucking six-hour sessions. and you know once I come

you gotta start sucking again oh god Joey then I would start eating your ass until my you know so in those days I knew I would come quick so my plan would be to seduce you lay you down eat your monkey

while I was eating your monkey the excitement make me dizzy and shit and I went back yeah because I get anxiety attacks I'm not a handsome dude so I know if I got a chick laid down looking up and her legs are up. And she's not screaming.

And she's not screaming and there's no mace in the hand. I'm excited. You know what I'm saying? So I'm eating her little monkey. Next to you know, Ms. Pat, I wagg myself out. Oh, God, Joy. And then I get it like semi-hard. She's harder than fuck.

I switch over. I put my stamenke in her mouth. And I just finger-banger. She blows her little monkey. She brings my dick back to life. Now I go back in there like a superhero. because I'm refueled. I cracked the nut. The anxiety's gone.

And then I'm King Khan. And then I'm King Khan. And it's all over to shout. They're just tapping on. Stop. Stop. Jesus Christ. Let's do some more Coke. Fuck it. Put a Coke rock in your pussy. Let me look that motherfucker. Oh, Joe. Oh, yeah. Miss Pat. Come on, Doug.

We were the real deal in the fucking 80s. I wasn't doing all that bullshit, Joy. God damn. I was with one guy. He was married, but damn. You made my story sound okay. And then I was married I was very good I went to prison

I was very good I got married And then once I started comedy I always had a certain respect for women Thank you for that Until I started comedy I saw the other side of women

Damn I saw What women are capable of doing And how quick they can do it It's just as vulnerable as men are and men are just as vulnerable as women are, you know, when you go on those triple runs, have you ever heard of triple runs? Triple runs are when you first start in comedy.

Let's say you live in Denver. After about six months, you kind of got ten minutes, you do a little improv, what's that called? Improvise. Where are you from? Crowdwork. Yeah, crowd work. You call triple one.

You send them a check. You send them a tape, and he puts you with a headline, and he takes you to Montana, Wyoming. Idaho, Washington State, Oregon. And you would go for six or seven weeks and you would learn how to become a comedian, Miss Pat, you know? Some places you get there,

and they give you a note, don't curse, damn women's. You got to clean up your act or if not they throw rocks at here, some shit. Oh, my God. What do you think happens when you go from these town to towns? You know, triple runs are not in Portland, Oregon.

They're 180 miles up in the mountains. that people come down into the city once a month to get groceries. So let's pretend you weren't extra on friends. That night on the radio they said this guy was seen on friends. Every woman and husband go down to these towns. Those triple runs were a tremendous scam. Would it be like going to like Big Bear or something like that? Yes, it's going to places where there's no entertainment at night.

So he would pick five of those in a row. Monday, he would do. do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then either Saturday and Sunday or at a hotel, and it would sell out. They didn't care who you were. Yeah, I've been in places like that. They don't care who you are. They just

go down there to laugh. At those places, I learn more about women. That's when I learned the dark side of women. They get you to the hotel. What hotel? What do you get you to the car? Wait until you fall asleep. What hotel are you talking? about this guy. What hotel are you talking about?

Well, wherever holds Rob. The MC goes up. The MC goes up. He does 15 minutes. I go up there. I do 35 minutes and 22. I look like Johnny Hero. I get off the stage.

Where's the first place I go? I go to the bar, I get a drink. I pick up my fucking eight ball. And I lurk by the bathroom. How do you manage to find drugs in every place you go? Because you talk about it on stage. Oh wow So you'll go

Jesus Christ When now I was doing an eight ball With these people People clap Those people that clap Afterward They'll come up to you And go dog

You want to do a blast Yeah let me do it Can you get more? Yeah my buddy's got some Selling the Grama coat It's that fast Oh wow Hold on wait

Fucking Wesley Snipes is flying over He's saving a plane And shit like that So August 22nd, what happens, my love? August 22nd, my book drop. Carl Rabbit, it's a memoir. It's online.

My website, misspatcom. August 25th through the 26th, I'm doing a book signing in Indianapolis at Morty's Comedy Joint. So we're going to do four shows and four book signings. So people can come out and do a meet and greet and get their book signing and watch the show. How long was the process of the book? two years. It takes a long time. Yes, it did.

A lot of thought. And like you said, you get the certain chapters that you write it out and then you read it. And you go, you know what, I got to do something else. And you have to go for a ride. Yeah. I mean, the lady who wrote it with me, which is, her name is Janine Amber. Oh, so much back and forth. There was so many tears.

It was just, it was, we just, you know. know like she would write something i was like that's not my voice then she'll go fix it so it was it was interviewing a lot of people you know like from my past and she's from she's a she's black but she's from canada and she was scared to uh some people were scared to talk to her because she spoke correct correct english they're like uh who is this white bitch and i'm like she's not white she's black so it was just you know digging up old stuff it was it was a lot it was a lot of work it's a lot of work to writing a book. Well, you know,

being an author. And, you know, honestly, she sat there and she put this story together, which I thought she did a wonderful job. And, you know, it's getting good reviews. It made memoir of the month for Amazon.

But it was some hard fucking work. It was, let me tell you, I thought I've done hard shit in my life, but this book, this book is a, it put me to it. Ms. Pat,

I'm working on four years on this fucking book. Because the chapters, I got to write, I got to go to such a fucking dark place that I thought, like, because there's times I find myself there. I'll eat a couple of these fucking stars and I'm driving home, and that song will come on.

Call me when you, and I think of summer 82, when I was 18 years old, no parents, lived in my friend's basement, no car, no bank account. I lived hand to mouth. This mother charged me $50 a week, week to live there. All my

responsibilities, I took our garbage and I fucking did laundry. I had to do my own laundry and fold it. That was it, man. Everything else that came into my pocket was bad. I had to do whatever fucking had to do. And you know what? You try to work. You try to work for a while.

You go, what the fuck is this? I could sell an eight ball and make this in fucking ten minutes. I got to be here mopping a floor for eight hours and shit. Yeah, I mean, like I said earlier, with me, it was just that. I was so young. So it was so hard to get a job because I was so fucking young.

But, you know, I overcame a lot of shit and, you know, writing this book, writing this book tells stories that I never really told. Like, it tells stories about situation. Like, when I read the book, I literally cried. Like, Chapter 5, I never told anybody about Chapter 5. When my husband read it, he was fucking shit shocked. So it's, you know, it's just me telling stories that I was never able to tell openly. So I just, I just open it up and say, I'm going to tell you as much as I can remember.

How do you feel about it now? I like it. I really do. I do. You know, when we first finished it last year and the editor was like, no, you got to start over. I was a little upset, but I tell you, it was the right decision. And it made the book a better book. So it actually reads like a movie

It's a really good book It's amazing with you tell Like I want to be a part of the writing In my world I want to write it I want to write it Send it to the editor Let him fix it Put it together

My agent Gordon And then we'll put the presentation packets together Let him put all the peas and cues I'm just trying the best I can But it's taking me I started writing a blog on Myspace Every Monday That's how I got myself

back into writing. A blog about my life, in order every Monday about something that happened. In high school, I went to a party and a fight broke out and I stepped on a piece of fucking glass. Something's going on. Something's on fucking fired, dog.

Yeah. So, you know, I'm just glad it's finished. That's the big... Finally, I feel like I accomplished something. You know, because you have so many fires going at one time but nothing really cooking. So one thing I can say about the book is finally done.

That's what I'm happy about. You know, I sold a pilot to Fox last year along with Lee Daniel and run Howard Company, Imagine. And, you know, they're just kind of up in the air. We're still working on it. And finishing this book just put, I was able to complete something. So I'm just glad it's completed. It's crazy how many people. and I'm not

I don't even know the word while I lived here people moved to this town got hooked up with Conan O'Brien yeah you know and they got great director and they got somebody great to write the pilot and

like the pilot you know it's such a hard collaboration you went into it going I'm going into this motherfucker with Lee Daniels, the fucking black dude of the month. All right? Mothergah got Empire.

I watched Empire for three seasons. Then it went somewhere else. I was done. They tried to go to the Dynasty. The first two seasons, I love everybody. I love the gay son. You know, you know, when we tell you why

I found out, I watched a pile of that motherfucker. And there was a dude who used to write on that staff, Annie Veles. And he goes, Make sure you watch the pilot. The pilot, fuck my shit.

Up, Jack. That's a good fucking job. You know, when? When. He rules Wednesday night. When he put the little gay kid was about five. At home, he was in the living room and a gangster capilla. And the two other kids were babies.

And that little kid came in, the gay one. He walked in the room with a dress on and women's heels, like a seat. It was like his sister's shoes. And what's his name? Howard. What's it? Terrence Howard. Terrence Howard was reading like a paper with gold teeth and shit.

And he looked up and he saw this kid and he fucking slammed down the paper. He picked his fucking kid up, took him down the stairs, opened up a metal garbage can. And put him in the garbage can head first and closed the wind on the smoke. I remember that scene. I was like, God damn.

there because I remember when I came from Cuba my buddy was black and their family was none fucking gay friendly well black the black community is just the black community

has came around in the last five to ten years with I think they you know I think the world is beginning to say you know do what makes you happy absolutely and that's what it's all about you know stop living for other people you know do what makes you fucking

happy that's what I had to learn I mean, for years, I've tried to make other people love me And other people, you know Put other people before me And I learned in the end I got to fucking love myself When I love myself and respect myself Everybody else will begin to care and respect me

You know what? I'm in the old school. Like the man said, If you want respect, you got to give respect Yeah Treat me with respect that you want I stay away from people Who I'm the same way

I'm old man Yeah I'm getting home, Miss Pat, that little four and a half year old wears me out. I feel you. I got four of them at the house. And, you know, that's what I just hold people realize, you know, after reading the book, you know, be you. Do what makes you happy because that's what I ended up doing. No, Ms. Pat, what years is this book cover?

It's just from childhood, from growing up in the bootleg house to prop to my marriage. It doesn't talk about the comedian much, Ms. Pat. You know, it tells you how I kind of got started, but to 93. Well, yeah. When did you start comedy, Ms. Pat? I started comedy. I'm 15 years in. So by 9, 2000.

Were you a storyteller from the beginning? No. Mm-mm. I didn't. I didn't know. You were slipping for a long time like I did. Yeah, I didn't know I told stories. Like, I really didn't think.

think my past was that funny until, you know, I would constantly tell people and people say, you got unique stories, won't you put them on stage? And then, you know, it's all about then you got to figure out how to put them on stage. So, you know, when I moved to Indianapolis in 2006 is when I really realized I was a storyteller. It took me eight years to tell a story on stage and the first time you do it it blows your fucking mind

and it means that like I was in the belly room at that time the belly room meant shit to me do you understand me miss Pat I didn't move to Atlanta do spots in the belly room I was getting room sets

in the original room and one night I wanted to the belly room somebody goes bro you got to do the show it sold out please go upstairs just we have nobody else and I kind of went up there with attitude and shit. Miss Pat, I ate a bag of things.

The first joke died. Second joke died. Third joke died. And I said, fuck you motherfuckers. Until this day, I can't remember what story I told. I mean, you've been doing comedy so long now. Does it bothers you when a joke don't hit? No.

Me neither. I don't get fuck. No. Because I tell Young Cummings, I said, you know, when you're working, I mean, it's like baking a cake. It's like baking a cake and that bitch fall in the middle, okay? You didn't add the right ingredients. Go back and try again. And people ask me how time, like, does it bother you?

I hear coming say, oh, when I have a good set, I have a good week. When I have a bad said, I have a bad week, I don't give a fuck. When I'm not, when you didn't pay to see me and I'm literally up there at an open mic, I am creating. I'm working. So I don't give a fuck about how you feel about a job. Okay, it didn't work. Then I go home and I twook it and rework it and come back. But I see a lot of comics.

They get really depressed at Open Mic. And I'm like, bitch, you at Open Mic, what you're going to do when you was fucking in front of a thousand people one day and you bomb? When I was on the road, Mr. Joe Rogan, Mr. Joe Rogan used to pay me good money. The show started. Joe looked like you pay good money. Joe paid me great money. And he knew my money was going. Half of it was going to drugs.

He still loved me. He still knew I was. funny, but he also knew I was a Hammondegger. I was a 50% comic. I would go up there, throw out, I thought, if it ran, Miss Pat, you would got problems,

bitch. You gotta follow Joey after that set. That's one of those cocaine from the night before a fuel set, and he knows he's picking up another rock in an hour type set. He just wants to get this set over with it. So he's trying, I would fucking kill rooms,

and Joe would love it, but there were also sets, guys, that I would go up there and eat a bag of dicks. Why? Did I get a notebook? No. I went to dinner with Ms. Pat, and I got high with Ms. Pat's husband. And then I went to Indianapolis and did two, not in drugs, but smoked pot. You know what I'm saying?

Uh-huh. Now people pay to come see us, Miss Pat. Yes. So now, guess what I do on Friday before the show? What? Nothing. I don't want to see nobody. I don't want to talk to you.

I don't, what do you want to talk about? I got two shows. They're paying $25 to come to see me. Yeah. Okay? I don't want you in your room going, me, me, me, me. That's bullshit. I want you in your room with your feet up.

At about 5 o'clock, you go down to the gym, you get on the bicycle. You do 20 minutes. You do a couple jumping jacks. You get everything nice and sweaty. You go upstairs. You order a little room service. Because if you go to the bar, you got to sit there for an hour. You ain't got an hour.

Before the room service comes up, you pray. He says 75 minutes. It's just sweaty. You take your notebook out and you go over your notes. And I'm not telling you to write. I didn't say that about right. I just said to go through that notebook because going through that notebook will raise your percentages right there. You took a shower, your mind was calm, and you were set on the thing.

I love the comic that walks in, Miss Patton says, man, I want Biggie as my warm-up song. that dude already lost he's thinking about his song yeah that's what you play you play what I'm saying that's why I don't bring

t-shirts on the road I don't want to be worried about 62 t-shirts and size double X you know what I'm worried about my motherfucking stand-up I want these people

to come see me next time so when you're a feature act you act a certain way and when you're a headliner you got to act a certain way and next thing you know good things happen for you man and I didn't make this up

I watch Bernie Mac. I watch, you know, the great ones. I love Richard Pry. You go out there and focus on what the fuck you're doing. Years ago, I used to go, fuck Joe Rogan and his Micepace bullshit. Joe was on Myspace. I'm snorting Blog going,

do you think Richard Pry would go home and get on MISP? Do you think Richard Pryor would go home and his prime and get on MicePacease? Fuck you, Micepace one of them, motherfuckers. One day we did Irvine, and that motherfucker room was sold out on 4th of July weekend with no radio

and I said this motherfucker's on to something this was 10 years before the podcast Oh wow He was already on to that shit He was already getting the people Through the internet So it's been an education

Listen you and I have both Prime examples that If you open your heart on these podcasts Yeah Great things could happen This all started with us telling people about our lives. How great is this?

It sure was. I mean, I can't think the podcast family or no. Every one of y'all, you, Joey, Mark, Ari, Bert, Tom, Seguer, and his wife, and so many more. I can't fucking name. Look, the first time you came in here, you got to fuck the by-browns, you sure had a whole mess of shit.

Your nails weren't done and shit. You had a fucking, you had a Fugazi Diamond Don and shit. You had one of those Cubas Zaconians on. So what the fuck is my now? You went to a steam room. They rubbed you down. They plucked your eyebrows.

They gave you a little shampoo and shit. They gave you that Korean rug. Damn, I look like that. That's how good you looked. They took that old... What fucking shirt with the hole in it, Joe? I don't know. You threw it away.

It's over. I'm not going to bring it up. You brought it up from North Carolina in 1982. I like how he said. That's an easy way. He said, bitch, you was ugly. No, I did not. I did not say about ugly.

I just said that, you know, there was no dollars coming in. You know, now you're looking good. God bless you. She just turns my hand and her hands are so soft. Oh, my God, no, no, no. She goes to, like, the nail salon every day. What fucking use shade butter like other black people do? I don't know what fuck you're talking about.

That's good shade butter. So you used to get, but, you used to get shaved butter two for one with Afrochene. That's premium of shade butter. Now you get the real shape butter. butter by the shit you rub on your feet and your feet don't crack you know what i have been blessed i i can't lie about that i got to be honest i've been blessed i mean some good things that really came my way you know the book the whole lee dania thing would uh imagine i mean sometimes i wake up and i was like what fuck did i do to deserve this you know i get to talk to a powerhouse you know

almost anytime i want like league dania and i always giving me an advice great great dude great dude to know. I mean, been nothing but nice, you know. How do you get in contact with him? Well, well,

I did, so, well, we, I first had a deal with New Regency, and my contract ended,

so we, we left, and literally, uh, imagine called a couple of days later, and wanted me to meet Lee, so I went out to Chicago. And I was like,

oh, they shoot, they shoot Empire in Chicago. So I was like, I don't really, nobody danian you know i'm scared you're gonna be really famous acting and you know i'm saying well what do i say to this big time guy you know on oscar and the monster ball pressures you know you don't really know how people gonna act ended up being the fucking realest person i ever made

in my life i mean just just like me and you i mean you know how you meet somebody's like i want to choose my words right you know immediately made me feel like you know i was just as equal as him you know meet some people that make you feel like I'm up here. Yeah, talking down to you. Not one time I ever felt like that. You know, not one time. A great dude and, you know, he took me in with his team to Fox and

we sold the put pilot, which was, you know, now we got to, we just, we had to switch writers. So we got a new writer and we go on and pitch it again and hopefully to get up and going. But I can't say anything about bad about imagining.

Lee Daniels, N. N.O. Number one. Brian Grazer. You have been blessed dearly because Lee Daniels has a successful fucking tremendous numbers show on. Two, two. Star 2.

So that means he's got three more, four more shows left of him. Yes. Okay? And yours is one on that list. I pray. And the stars may not fall now, but he regroups and take that motherfucker on Netflix or CBS. You know, everybody

he's buying shows right now. Yes. So, you know, you're in good fucking hands. So you really got to get up in the morning and say, Jesus, fuck. I do. I thank God every day. You know, I just everything, I mean, not only that what people don't know is the behind

the scene stuff that he studied due to help my career. You know, he read my book. He gave me a blurb. He, you know, he didn't have to do that. I got an article coming out in the Washington Post. And the 20th, On the 20th, you know, he just, he does so much other stuff, like if I ask, you know, and it's just for my career.

Is he, can you do this for me? Sure. What do I need to do? You know, that's a scary thing. The biggest thing is I'm scared to ask. But whenever I do ask, you know, it's always yes. And I mean, I'm a person where, you know, I've been through so much in my life. I like to earn what I get in this world.

I don't want to be handed any fucking thing. And, you know, I don't. I haven't get, we haven't produced a show where everybody's getting paid yet. So I really don't like asking. I feel like I don't want nobody to ever think I'm just there for them to give me anything. I want to work for whatever I get. So that's the scary part about this business too. You know, they'll fly you out, they'll put you up and investing in the shit don't work out.

I feel like I've taken advantage of somebody. So my whole thing is I just, I want, I always, I just like to work for what I get. And that's what I constantly tell. tell all of them. I just, I want this show to be successful. So, you know, we all can make some money from it. So it don't feel like I'm some fucking freeloader. The first two, three, four, five, six months in the business. Did you ever think you'd be in this position? Fuck, no. No. No, I tell Lee all the time. I had five years of doing comedy. Did you think you'd be in this position? No. The hottest reproduces in Hollywood and fucking Opie.

you're in business with fucking imagine can you fucking imagine like when you're doing that one night and people are talking about going to Montreal and you're sitting there like an animal

you don't even have a manager and this all changed because you went on a few podcasts and opened your heart and fucking people were blown the fuck away they had never heard and the same thing happened with me I told shit that I would never tell

anybody I thought this happened in everybody's life. Yes, yes, most definitely. I mean, again, no, I didn't think, 10 years, 10 years ago, I mean, in 2006, when I moved from Atlanta to Indianapolis, no, I did not think that this is where I would be at in 2017. No.

I mean, my whole thing is always just saying, I just want to get in the clubs. I just want to be a feature. Then you get the feature at one. Now, I'd say, if I could just make $1,000 a week, that's $5,000 a month, I can help my husband pay the bill, or I have enough money to get my life,

layaways out on time. You know, it's always been my biggest focus. Don't fucking let your layaway go back. So, uh, I just wanted to make up enough money so I can be independent. You know, all of this, all this stuff with a book and, you know, a book shocked the shit out of me because I was like, you bullshit, right. Y'all going to buy this shit. It was shocking, you know, because I always wanted to tell my story, but I can't write a fucking book. I knew I couldn't write it. So when it came along, I'm, first of all, let me say, I'm the type of person where I grew up don't believe the half of the shit you

hear. Don't believe half of the shit you see and none of the shit you hear. So I needed to be 100% before I fucking believe in it. And when the lady came along and said she could write the book, I thought, oh, whatever we'll see. And when

it really happened, I was like, well, damn. Would you do it again? Would you write another book? Would I write another book? It was hard. My husband said, I got another book in me. I don't know. You have two more in you.

Number one, you have one story. Now, like, but you have to also write it and look at yourself and go, you know what? I'm going to write this about me, but I'm writing this for

Viveka Fawkes. Because I'd rather sell this and it become an Academy Award winner and guess who wrote it. And now guess how much they give me for my next one, eight million.

And on that one, I can write a story about my pussy. They already wrote the check. That's what happens to people in Hollywood. Your second one is about your kids. Just flip it. That's an Oprah movie. That goes right to Oprah.

You tell Lee, hold on one second. We already got this thing cooking. I got to go talk to Oprah about this one. This is about a 15-year-old girl. It has a relationship with a married man. And it's through children. And it's you, but it really isn't you. when it ends maybe with

how you wanted it to end. And then there's the other side of a single mom. That's 17 slinging fucking on the corner. You have three or four books in you. That's what my husband I always say. He's like, you got another one, but who knows?

Yes, you just have to get a notebook, get a book to the art of writing, get all that book, read them. But the most consistent thing is to say to yourself, you know what, I'm going to write 10 words a day. That's it. 10 fucking words a day. A fucking child can write 10 words a day.

And next thing you know, you start getting into it and getting into it more and getting into it more than a year and a half from now you get yourself a little book, baby, girl. And now your advances a little higher. You have a bigger follower from stander. How many fucking go? We don't have time, but leave.

We sit here, how many comedians have made millions from a book? That first Chelsea handled a book made like 12 million, you know? And then she was taken on the road and stayed. and banging you out for 30 to sign the motherfucker. You know, you have to look. That's commerce.

This is what this business is about. And this is what you're good at. You have 10 stories in your fucking soul. Well, we'll see. You know, I don't know right now. I just finished one. So hopefully, you know. Yeah, it's going to do well.

August 22nd. August 22nd is on pre-sell now. Please go out and order it. You know what's crazy, Joey? My husband read it. And I was, you know, my husband is a, big critic. You know, a lot of times I say he's not a Miss Pat fan, but he's really a undercover

Miss Pat fan. And he was like, this is a fucking movie. This is a good book. Oh, yeah. And he didn't say that because I was his wife, because he read shit and be like, uh-uh, get rid of that shit. But honestly, he said, you know, and I take, I listen to my husband a lot. It's so, I read it too. It's a

fucking good book. Are Kelly going to roll that? No. Listen, right before he gets locked locked up, you get him a cameo. He could be my first baby daddy He could be on the audiobook I did I got an audio book You can buy that too now

What's your next few dates that you're doing I'm at Mordy's August 25th through the 26 Promoting the book And doing signs and taking pictures Yeah Showing how beautiful you look In September I'm in Boston at the Boston Comedy Festival

Okay I know I'm coming to Cincinnati in November. I'm trying to pull it up. You can pull it up faster. It'spatcom.com. If you're in the Indianapolis area, please come out. I would love to meet you.

Have you never heard of me before? She's fucking solid. Let me do some shout-outs real quick. Alan Serraka, Colin Parker, Jr. and Jeremy Slagoth. I'm coming to Tampa Cocksucker. Gabbinid, Reberio, Daniel, Lolo, or something. Dennis Dumont, Tug, Dakota Gilbert, Jeff Collins. And I don't know what else it says.

I was fucking stone when I wrote this list. Don't forget, we added a second show on Thursday night and the punchline of San Francisco. Damn. The weekend tickets are sold down. I don't work on the Lord's Day. So it's a 10-15 show, myself, and Dean Del Rizzi. Real quick, let me talk to you people about something.

I don't know what's going on with your life. you know, Miss Pat comes on here. She tells me what's cracker-lacking. And listen, if you hear the sirens, this is all real. We don't fuck around with 3D, right? And all those sound effects. They've been going on.

They've been going on fucking night, Joey. Something's been going on. Like, ISIS attacked the airport. Don't say that shit. I got to fly out of here on Wednesday. It's a lot of shit on fire. I don't think ISIS is attacking Burbank Airport. What the fuck do you know?

What are you? Mommy from Salami. You don't know what's cracking. Can I read two of these days off right quick? Can you do what? Can I read two of these days off or quick? Yeah, yeah. We read the next four.

Because after that, you got to assume they don't have a pencil and shit. Okay, go, Jay. And their cock suckers, read the next four. Absolutely. So it's the Boston Comedy Festival, September 21st of the 23rd. And then you're in Richmond, Virginia, October 5th to the 8th. then you're at the joke joint

in Houston October 12th to the 14th and then you're back in your home state of oh no never mind you're at Bloomington Minnesota House of Comedy Mall of America the 25th to the 29th

Oh shit And there's more dates coming back in September They're not on yet but just keep clicking back Misspat Comedy.com Twitter, Facebook, Instagram all of that shit young people do. You know, man, I'm looking at you and I'm thinking about how when you put your time in for years, nothing really happens, but when you really put your soul into something, doors open up,

and you're the fucking beautiful example of that. And I wish you all luck in the world. You're beautiful. You've got a great soul, and you got a great story. Well, thank you. Thank you for having me. Oh, please. It was my fucking pleasure.

You had some fucking publicity. Get the fuck out of here. When he talked to him, it's bad. Mind your business, gossucker. Shline and Cahine. He showed up with a picture, him, with a yonika. Get the fuck out of my fucking. Trying to Skype a motherfucker.

I can't have you talking bad about Jewish people, Joe. I didn't say nothing bad about him. I just said that he was trying to get to me through weird sources. Let me wrap this up and we'll get out of here. Did you know that depending on where you get a mortgage, you can save $20,000 or more, but 80% of people only get one mortgage offer, like I did when I tried to get a house. And if you just go to your bank, chances are you'll get ripped off.

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Me, I get it every couple weeks. as fill it when mama's not home or something like that. Blue Apron is tremendous. Tell them, Lee. Blue Apron's great. It's delicious. It's taught me how to cook. I got my dad on it. My dad literally, every single day of the week, every month

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So you only get the deliveries, when you're only, you're only. want them. Each meal comes with a step by step. Ready for this one? Easy to follow recipe card, proportionate ingredients, and they can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. You can't lose. You're single, whatever, you're trying to lose weight, you're trying to eat healthy. This is the way to go. Plus, Blue Apron's Freshness guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arise ready to cook or they'll make it right. Now here's what I'm going to do for you. Check out the next week's menu. All right. What do you like this? week. What did you get, Lee?

Oh, I got some great stuff. I got steak and potatoes, like steak and like french fried potatoes. I got the chicken tenders. That was really great. And I'm forgetting the third one, but it was they have so many, they recently increased the options you have. You get to choose from. It's better

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Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Again, I want to thank Blue Apron. Again, I want to thank Lending Tree. Again, I want to thank Honet. But most importantly, I want to thank one of my favorite guests because when she comes on, I get what, it's like the rolling, it's like, well, sline the family stone, you know what I'm saying? I get what the fuck I get. I don't get somebody outside and you turn it to somebody else.

No, not with this. I'm happy about your success. God bless you. Thank you. Your daughter's beautiful. You have a beautiful family. I read your little fucking Twitters and good luck for you. No mind of me spell words.

Don't be fucking. No, who gives a fuck. I'm no fight bad a cap. And I will retreat all your stuff around book time. Thank you, baby. And I make sure I'm going to try a blue apron because I can't cook with a shit. Who gives a fuck? And I'm going to play like I cooked this shit.

Listen, I'll get blue apron eating just look at you. You know what I'm saying? That's how good you're looking. God bless you. Knock them dead on this tour. Stop making me smile, George. Please go to Magubis for the book signing. Is it Magubis?

Morty's. I'm sorry. Morty, Magubis. Go to Morty's. It's a great club. It is. Indianapolis. She's going to do it to 20.

Fifth through the 26. BAM! There you have it. I love your cocksuckers. Have a great weekend. Love you, too, coxsuckers. We'll talk to you. All right. Stay black. Lee, who loves you more than me? Nobody cocksucker. Bam, let's do this.