The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #509 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: August 21, 2017

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio talking about Joey's appearance on the 1,000th "Joe Rogan Experience" podcast, getting and keeping a job in prison, and what it's like to do LSD in prison. This podcast is brought to you by:  Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.       Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 08/20/2017  

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Joey. Today, right now, and you get a $500 dollar bonus. That's Lyft.com slash Joey. Listen, you're sitting there. You don't know what to do, and mom bought you a new car, but you want to sit there and play video games. It's over.

Go to live.com slash Joey right now and get a $500 new driver bonus. That's Lyft.com. Limited time only. Terms apply. Kick that mulee. Oh shit. A little TomTom Club.

It's Monday, cock suckers. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Oh, shit. Just when you thought they were safe. The church of what's happened now. Oh, shit. Here we go. Here we go.

Little girl, pot, whatever. On the Monday morning, Coxuckers. Uncle Joey here with his favorite fucking Jewish person, Mr. Lee Syatt. That's a big honor. I hope you guys had a fantastic weekend. My weekend was tremendous. I want to applaud Joe.

Rogan for letting me on this thousand podcast. I want applaud Joe Rogan for let me on the show at the comedy store. My set was fucked up, but I made it through. If you came to the ice house last night, I love you, cock suckers, too. It's always fun at the ice house,

that little room. If somebody farts, everybody smells it, you know what I'm saying? So it's a great little fucking party room. Yeah, we've been in that room since we started. From podcast, the one-man shows. I've done it all in a stage, too. Testicle Testament. Stage two is like

it really is one of those places that it relaxes you as a comedian so you can let yourself go. And you guys are sitting there going, what the fuck you're talking about? Joey? Just go on the fucking flip-top. No, no, no, no, no. There's something like the first time

I went to the comedy store. I was so I wanted just to be in the original room. I didn't like the main room because I bombed in there. And the belly room just wasn't me. Why did I want to go backwards?

Okay, you like the original. In the belly room, when I first got to the store, it used to be empty every night. 14, 18, 34 people. They never really pushed it. You had to give them a deposit on the room to get it, like $2.50. So that means you had to charge the door. It was a pain in the air.

So I just never regressed. And then one night, Mitzi came up to me. She goes, when I had my John, I'm there. So I did this show called Stories from a Cuban Street. I think our friend in Austin, Bobby Sharon, just got a copy from George, the original posters. Oh, shit. And I did one-man shows up in the belly room at the comedy store. But the beauty of it was, that one night, that first one that I did, it was like 22 of my friends.

And I remember we snuck a bottle of tequila upstairs. Okay. And myself, Ricky Cruz, the same. girl named Celine got rest of soul, Doug Stanhope's mother. Doug Stanhope's mother was there that night with us. Like I can't forget who else is upstairs, but after the thing started, Dice came up, a bunch of people came up, and that was the birth of the original testicle testament. But that night, I was just upstairs telling stories.

And I was always in a rush on stage. That was my problem from the first time I ever got on stage. In 1991, I always was trying to get to the punchline. You're always trying to get to the punchline. You're always trying to get to the punchline. It took me eight years, nine years, eight years, to really get the essence of comedy. And it was because of that show in the belly room.

Because I told stories. And that was the first time for years. People begged me for years. I would talk to people late night. We'd be snort and blow or smoking dope. And they'd ask me a question. and I tell him a story and they go, why don't you say that on stage?

And I go, because it would never work. Did you work on these stories? No, no. At that time, no. At that time, you would ask me a question. I'd tell you a fucking answer. But even at that time, people would go to me, Joe, you got to say that on stage.

Wow. And I would go to that I'm not saying that on stage. So one night, I just put like 10 stories together. And I went up to the belly room. And I did three hours because there was no show at 10. o'clock or nothing. So they said you have it as long as you want.

But I still remember we were broke. Like a bunch of us got together before the thing. There was no cocaine till after the show. I did it in December of... So the first time you told stories, you told it for three hours? Talked three hours. What does that feel like when you're up there for like long, when you're not doing those marathon sets?

It was fucking surreal. Like it was, I went to the store. I didn't have a spot in the original room. Okay. We met Ovan Gardner across from Elkamp behind Elkhadre. We didn't even have enough money to go to Elkampadre then. Like, we had beer,

and I got like a pint of tequila, like the little ones that you put in your pocket, like a fucking jaguar on the street, just like that. And me and my buddies drank the tequila, we smoked some dope. In those days, we had like three joints. I think Ralphie Mae came later on.

Yeah, it was just us. It was like December. like two weeks before Christmas, like the 16th around there. People in town. So you didn't even, so you didn't have money for a bar? We sold like four tickets. Was it like a broken you've ever been? It was at that time.

It was a struggling time. Oh my God. Between the drug addiction and I'd have gigs. But it wasn't what it is now. They were $200 gigs and $75, $100 gigs and $700 gigs. And I did them every night. See, I did them every night. They always said before.

I came to LA that you couldn't make money here. That's where people didn't hustle. I can't, I'm not going to tell you I made $200 grand doing $50 a night sets. I can't tell you that. But I made enough to drive a car, pay for a car, pay rent, snort Coke, you know what I'm saying, keep myself in fucking vittles and I was 400 pounds.

So you do make good money. You make, you know, in those days on a Monday night, I would go to Universal Studios. And they had a room there, and the guy gave you $40. And then you went to the laugh factor. You made $25.

And then you went to the comedy store and made 15. But that's all in the check. So you got $40 coming to you and you got $40 in your pocket. That's Monday night. Tuesday night, it picked up. Fly and Jeff Garcia had Casalitina. Felipe Sparza had a room in Whittier. Another kid that passed away.

God bless his soul, Rudy Medina. He had a room at a country club. He paid $100. Felipe paid $50. a burrito and Jeff Garcia and Fly paid 40 bucks and a free meal. Is it harder as a quote-unquote dirty comedian because you're going all these places that might... No, these were restaurants, these were bars. They didn't give a shit?

No, at these places, they want you to be obnoxious and loud. Okay, cool. Those are the comics that do well in those places. Oh. Witty comics have to have a hard time in those rooms, so they avoid them. because they're just telling funny jokes. These are drunk people that have been working hard all day. The blue-collar people, they should pull.

They bet the fucking Lakers, and now they had to turn the Lakers off for you to go on stage. Fuck you. You better be fucking funny. And then Wednesday, somebody else had two rooms. Thursday, you'd be off, but I'd still have a spot at the store. And then Friday, I would go, like, to Ventura and pick up 175 and then come home and do the comedy store for $15.

bucks and then Saturday I would pick up another gig somewhere for a hundred bucks and Rudy Moreno had rooms for 40 the brave bull paid 40 bucks but he would give you three spots so you'd make 120 bucks and then you shop back to the condo store and picked up 15 dollars in the check so when like if it was like the first of the month and you got some of these spots would you put some of it towards the rent for next month or it's all towards coke until like the 20 well here's the deal people nothing happens until you make it happen. Motion creates motion. Once you stop moving, the debris stops.

Somebody famous once told me that. Once you stop moving, the breeze stops. So by you moving, you generate action. You know, I was telling these guys that I used to work at a place that sold screws and nails on the phone. guys, I had to be there. I had to be tit-top Magoo

at 4 a.m. because 4 a.m. was 7 a.m. on the East Coast. And the people who need screws. When the contractors are coming into their office. So they wanted you to call them. In those days, I used to get every lead. When I tell you, every delete. When I tell you something, I tell you something every day

that I went in there, Monday through Friday, I faxed 10 different bookers. whether they knew me or didn't know me. And at that time, nobody knew who the fuck I was. I had done maybe the pilot, and I had done maybe basketball. My stand-up was mediocre, but I knew to get better. I had to go on the road. Because that must be a weird part of stand-up,

because you can't really fax. You can fax and tell them what credits you have. No, no, I would say, how are you doing? My name is Joey Diaz. I've been in basketball. I shot a pilot for CBS named Bronx County, and I've been a regular at the economy store for the last four years.

I'm looking for feature work, and I would put the calendar of April, May and June. Let's say I was pitching those three months. Right. And I would put imaginary dates on there, but not really. I was never into bullshit on resumes. It's too easy to... At first, I would put...

Like, let's say I was doing Lee's Porkchop house. Right. In Pomona, California, I would put Lee's comedy joint, Pumont, like that. Right. You're leaving. You follow me? Yeah. You follow me?

So I was doing that type of shit. And you know what, guys, it took, I did that every day for fucking months. Would you describe yourself? Like, I'm a, I'm a, nothing at all. The least, the better. And they'd call you? Listen to me, bro. Nobody ever fucking call me for about four fucking months.

What are you kidding? You want me to tell you? No, they didn't call me. I would put on there, how you doing? My name is Joey Diaz. I'm a comedian from Los Angeles. I'm a comedian from New Jersey living in California. I started in Denver, Colorado with the Comedy Works in Boulder.

I won the Bex Boulder Broke a competition and came in the Sixth in the Seattle Comedy Competition. I don't know if you watch television, but I was in the movie Basketball with the whatever, the Zucker brothers and the guys from South Park. And I was also in a Bronx pilot named Bronx County, a CBS pilot named Bronx, I'm looking for feature in your area. I have family in the area. You always have family in the area because that means people are going to come to the shows. Oh, I think we're going to try to get them out of buying a hotel room.

No, you always have, you just want to get the gig. I ask you on the phone, do you have family? Yeah, but it's in Kentucky. It's an hour away. Oh, okay, now you got them. But they're going to give you the date already. You make it very vague, but not really. I never sent the tape in those days.

That's what I would send. that's what I would send and nobody ever called me back nobody ever called me back and I was dating this girl lived in Michigan and one of the biggest talent agencies in the Midwest that's still there

great company is uh fuck I forget what the guy's name but the guy who booked me there was Mark Colo these people I'm talking about they own the club in Grand Rapids they've been around for a long time. The fucking father

was phenomenal. Great guy. The father was solid. The father, when I got into comedy, he's still alive. He just gave the business to his sons. But the father had 60 rooms and 60 nights. Jesus. He booked Detroit. He booked this. Did he own all those clubs?

Buffalo? No, he just booked them. God, yeah. It was like Midwest Town Agency, but the booker at the time, his name was Mark Kolo. I can't think of this fucking owner's name. And next thing you know, I just, I was going to Michigan guys just like, and I go, you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to call Mark call him and take a chance. Columbus did. And I picked up the phone after four months of faxing him and not hearing a fucking peep.

I picked up the phone. I go, Mark, how are you doing? Joey Diaz? He goes, how are you? I go, Mark, I need a favor. He goes, what's going on? I go, I'm coming up to Michigan. My girlfriend lives in Niles.

And I just don't want to sit there with her family for five days. I'm looking for feature work, man. I know you got feature work. Is there anything? He goes, you know what? I do have a week. And he gave me four nights. Four nights.

But one of the men that in Grand Rapids, where I go now for that Mr. Dr. Grins. Right. And then do you work for him before you said? Never. Never. You've been sending him the faxes. Sending them the faxes.

Sending them the faxes, never sent them a fucking tape, nothing. He booked me, he gave me the benefit of the doubt. Do you remember the faxes or no? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He knew the name, and he finally called him, and he knew the name, obviously, and he fucking picked up the phone. And I told him like a man what my situation was.

I'm not looking at a headline. See, if I would have called him, look at the headline, now you've got a problem. Right. Now you've got to show him tapes and da-da-da-da-da. I'm just looking for much. He didn't even pay me much. They paid me like $75 a night. But I didn't give a fuck.

I just wanted to get him with him with him. It's work, yeah. I wanted to get him with him. The first night it was like Grand Den, Michigan. Something like that, where they had like sailboats outside. What time of year was it? It's fucking December. It's penguins and shit.

It's freezing. Maybe there's dirty people. The second night was at like a bar, restaurant type of place. Then I had a night off. Then Friday and Saturday, they used to have two clubs in Grand Rapids. Dr. Grins. That's huge now. And they had a smaller club that they booked.

Okay. Well, they close to each other? I don't know how big Grand Rapids. Half, you know, it was on the other side of town. Okay, gotcha. And I went in there as a feature act on a Friday night, and I'm on stage just doing what I do at the company store. At that time, I was starting to click.

It was 98, 99, and I was starting to get it. Were you telling stories on stage yet? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was very blue, but very machine gunny. No substance, just machine gunning. And I had this room, fucking Howard. And that night, that owner of that company, walked into that club.

And the headliner went up to him. And he was like, hey, man, blah, blah, my buddy. He starts telling this guy all about his career. And this guy that owns the company looks at him. He goes, I wouldn't worry about what you're doing. I'd worry about, do you see what this guy that you're gonna follow is doing? And I remember, like, I was the feature

and I got off and he came up to me and he introduced himself and he was a fucking gentleman, he goes, dog, you're stronger in the feature. Next time I got a headline. I was like, perfect. Like, I got to see the guy. Like, people died for this guy to see your tape.

He just happened to walk him when I was on stage. I had no idea. If I knew he was on stage, I would eat a bag of dicks. And this was the guy who got you, the feature work. No, after that, I booked I work Saturday night, and then this guy started headlining me. He started

headlining me in small rooms and co-headlining me and featuring in big rooms. Fuck. Yeah, I mean, it seems like... The money was total dog shit. Like, for a feature act from Tuesday to Saturday, I got

450. For one, two, three, four, five, six, seven shows. So what's $450? divided by seven. Uh, shit. Yeah,

it was nothing. The feature, and then they put you up in a condo that you wouldn't fucking, you know, no, no, Buffalo was good.

Buffalo was good. Lansing was good. They had a couple of rooms that were really fucking good. They really did. 64. What's that? $450 divided by seven.

Yeah, $64 a fucking set. But I would go everywhere. I would go everywhere. All over Michigan, he would send me to Milwaukee. I did Marquette University, like a student lounge. You know, that's what you have to do sometimes.

Take short money. And look, I was on stage and the guy came and it's funny. I don't watch that much TV. This weekend, I go into the fucking, I'm in my office, whatever, and I walk out and I see that. My wife is watching that movie with Michael Keaton about Ray Kroc and it's called The Founder. Right. So I don't know how long she's been watching it.

I'm interested in all those type of movies. You know, right there when I was watching that movie, I understood what I like about. I don't like sci-fi shit. I don't like none of that shit. I like semi-real stories, but I want to see the struggle. Absolutely.

And that movie really shows you the struggle, and it shows you that, you know, nothing good happens, you know, unless you get off the couch, number one. But nothing good happens unless you think outside the box. Now, if you watch that movie, and you watch the whole story and this is a spoiler alert I don't give a fuck if you watch the whole movie yeah it is history you know if you watch the whole movie you really

learn something about two different visions about two different views on life you could think about it as that the guy kind of robbed them or you could think about them as the two guys were so stubborn, they let this guy rob for a thousand time. I'm a 54-year-old man. Lee, you're dirty. In reality, you're estimated, you're 30. Look at Lee turned pale on me when I said he was 30. He's 20. He's fearing 30. He's fearing 30. So, but right now, I'd say we got a kid in here to come in here and he's 19. He's out of college. No, I'm sorry. He's 21. He's out of college and his uh his major's computer engineering this guy could decide for everything and he falls in love with you he's jewish he went to emerson he contacts you and he sits in with us one day and you become

friends with him and next thing you know the kid's telling us ideas and you and me are like fuck this guy do you know what i'm like yeah he yeah we want to do what you like we're in But every six months, he would call us and try to switch it up. But we're too stubborn. We're in this fucking town that we don't see past. Absolutely, yeah. It's so weird to watch it. You get stubborn when you're in the game for too long.

Yeah, it's so weird to watch it from the outside. And get a clear point of view on it. We're never really objective with ourselves until years later. Yeah. We find out why we did what we did and what was fucking going on, you know? But this movie, my God, I had to watch it, like I watched it from the middle to the end. And then today or yesterday, I watched it all over again from the beginning. And it was, it's not an Academy Award winner guys, but it's the kind of shit I like.

It's kind of like not revenge, but revenge on yourself. That he was, when he was facing adversity, he met somebody. And the guy, this guy, listen to him. he had vision he listened to him and what he was chasing was something completely different than what should have been chased

for some reason this weekend I was thinking about something a lot I was thinking about when I was probably 19 years old I had already robbed a jewelry store I had already hidden in Sarasota Florida for two maybe two months and two weeks

I had gotten a job I've gotten back and I got a job in a warehouse in Edgewater, New Jersey where they build like frames for Entemans, deli and shit like that for donuts. Like the displays at the stores? I got five from that.

And then I got a job working at a hardware store. But I got arrested while I worked because I used their van and I had possession of stolen stealing tools or whatever when you have tools to do a robbery possession of tools or whatever

so the guy fired me so I really had my back against the wall so I created my own job I went into the city one day where my mom used to know these dudes who did numbers my mom had done numbers with him for years and blah blah and I went over and then told the guy the truth

and so this man I'm looking for work I can run errands. I can pick up money for you. I'll do whatever the fuck. And he goes, you know what, man? This guy got sick on me. I'm looking for a guy just to walk and pick up little

fucking envelopes of numbers. That's it. The neighbor is protected. They know you got numbers. They're not going to beat you up because you got no cash. And after a while, I don't know who you are. Come over here every day at 10 o'clock.

And every day I would fucking go over the where I fucking lived in. I lived with Fernie. on 70th Street and Kennedy Boulevard right next to the gas station there. And I would fucking take the bus to George Washington. I would go the other way, which way would I go? I would walk up to Bergen-Line Avenue. I was a fucking kid, man.

19. I dropped out of high school. I felt like shit. I just felt like shit, you know? But the drugs and the alcohol and going out with my buddies that really, evened that out, you know? And I would take the bus from Bergen line to fucking

Port Authority, and then I would take the train. Like, I'd have to take two trains. I'd have to take one, I forget to what street, and then shoot over, and then walk like five blocks. And it was like a hundred of eighteenth and like maybe third or fourth avenue, fifth avenue. And I'd get there by 10, and I'd open up the store with them, and I'd sweep the front.

and I'd go get us breakfast, like ham and egg sandwiches around the corner. Sometimes they'd pick me up in my house, and we would go to a diner in Sea Caucus, where they used to have saltwater taffy, Howard Johnson's. Right, yeah. We were going to Howard Johnson, eat breakfast, talk of the strategy of the day, and then we would shoot into fucking Spanish Harlem and do numbers from 10 o'clock to 3. From 10 to 3, I walked, I went to the store and got coffee, I went to the supermarket, and got rice, I got ham,

They would cook. I was just a go for. And in between that, I had to go pick up different fucking envelopes with numbers. And at 3 o'clock, the number would come out for New York, and that was it. I was done for the day. They would ask me if I needed cash. I'd say, yeah. They'd ask me how much.

I'd tell them 100. And then they'd always, they gave me 140 a day. So I'd work seven fucking days a week. Give you the rest in a check or something? Yeah, they're going to give me the rest in the check. No, they gave me the rest in cash on Fridays. Oh, so every day they would ask if you wanted anything? Yeah.

Fuck. That's like a perfect job for you. So I would take like 100 every other day. And it was like being guys, I can't tell you what it was like. Like I was fucking always broke and I had a guarantee yardstick in my pocket. I paid rent for Fernie. I would buy little groceries. But the rest, I fucking, I had no other bills.

My bills in those days were made. maybe 300 bucks. And now I was making $140 a fucking day. Oh, my God. Are you crazy? And what did he do? Do you save the rest? No, savings account.

Oh, please. I was at the savings account. I even had a Christmas club account. Get the fuck out of here. I would leave there. I'd go buy a daily news. I'd get like a soda. And I don't care how cold it was.

I'd walk. I'd find the spot. that sold weed. I'd buy a $20 bag of weed, you know. I had a spot that gave me 20s of Coke, and it was like a little over

an eighth, so I'd get like four-tenths of a gram instead of two-tenths of a gram, and the Coke was fantastic. And then I jump on the train, man. And I jump on the other train, and then I take the bus over the fucking tunnel,

and it dropped me off. The bus home would drop me off on Kennedy Boulevard right across the street. from what bar I would hang at and across, like, 50 feet from the door where I lived. Jesus, God. Sometimes I would go home, put some shit away, maybe take a shower, comb my hand,

and I'd go right across the street to that bar, or I'd wait, I'd kill time, so I wouldn't spend so much money at the bar. Instead of going at eight, you go at 10, and you'd spend less money. So for two hours, I would watch TV, I'd make phone calls, you know, whatever the fuck I did, in those days. Just killing time.

It was a fucking superb job. Jesus Christ. Superb. I think I got fired like January 18th. I was there January 20th. And it snowed and I'd go there.

I was there no matter what. Every day, 10 o'clock. Then they would just pick me up. It got to the point they were just picking me up. I had grown up with these guys. Like I knew these guys. I had grown up in their homes. Like I'd been at their homes.

when we were kids. What's the next step up? Is someone just answering a phone, taking numbers? So there was a few days. I would go upstairs and work the phones. Then after a while, like, somebody couldn't come in until 12 on Thursdays or something. Coco get on the fucking phones.

A piece of cake, I grew up around that. So I would call you. You would tell me what your number was or what your name was. Lee? Lee was going on today. Nothing. You ready? Yeah, you got a pen yet.

$5.17. $5.15. $10 straight. So you'd write five and then you'd write five and the $10 box you'd put a circle around it. So you understand what I'm trying to say to you?

There are symbols for every bit. Right, so Lee and I would put, Lee wants $5. Okay. On 517. So I would write 517. He wants $5 straight

and I would put $5 box and I put a circle around that five. That meant a five. So what's the box mean? Box means if 175 comes out. Gotcha.

You follow me? So that's what I would do. That was my job. And then I would write it on a pink slip, rip it, give them a pink slip, give the other guy a pink slip, and I would keep that pink slip. People would gamble about anything. And if that number comes out, let's say he better for $5, he gets $2,500. In reality, he gets $3,000.

But I get 500 off the top, and then he gives me a tip, which is usually 500. So that pink sleep, like, so sometimes I would go upstairs, and the phone would be ringing, and they go, go, go, go, get in there. But I had been doing it since I was in Catholic school with this dude. Like, when I was in Catholic school in the fifth grade and the fourth grade on Saturdays, me, and I'm cousins with this guy, Julio Rodriguez. We're not really blood cousins, but we grew up together. He's a big jiu-jitsu guy.

in New Jersey. Gotcha. He's my dog. He owns Anaconda. His brother, rest in peace. When we were in the fourth grade, and you can ask Julio, I can have Julio call up and tell you.

When we were in the fourth grade on Saturdays, I'd be home and instead of dicking around like most kids, me and Guillo would go to the Bronx. And we would do what I was doing when I was 19. In the fourth grade, and every week they changed apartments. So every week, we were in different. neighborhoods and then eventually you went back to the apartment they would just move around

apartments Jesus they would just move around every few days every week every week every Sunday you have a new apartment but you keep the other ones so the cops never fucking know where you're at how long do you build the apartments for a whole year years for years you just keep rotating and then after six months maybe the lease breaks boom you get another apartment that's how you did it back then but you got to remember New York City gambling is a ticket. It's a misdemeanor. It's a ticket.

I don't know what it is today. But 30 years ago was a ticket. So you took the ticket. I mean, eventually, if you got 10 tickets, you're going to go to fucking prison. But you could pay the cops off in those days. The cops were paid off on numbers. Numbers don't hurt nobody.

Nobody loses their house with fucking numbers. Nobody sucks a dick over numbers. It's $5. You can bet a dollar. You can call me and bet Lee 8.5. a dollar straight and a dollar box. I think that pays your 500 bucks. It pays $750, but I give $250 off the top as a bonus.

And when do you collect this money? Every week? The guys, for them to keep corn, they collect, they collect every paid days like Friday. For some people, it's Thursdays. Thursdays is a big booking day, to be honest with you. To be honestly, I don't remember what day was their collection day. But nationally, usually, if you're...

working with a good book it's Thursday. Because they want to catch you. You lost Monday night football. The week ends on Monday. Okay. So the week goes Monday through Monday or Tuesday through Monday. And they won't let you bet again until you pay it up? So the week starts Thursday.

You got to pay on Thursday. You want to play Thursday night football? You got to pay on Thursday. So I think it's still the same. I may be wrong. I don't know. The last couple of bets I put it, I put it in Las Vegas. But the point of the story was, I had this job.

And I loved it late. I loved it with all my heart. I loved it coming out of there at 3 o'clock and just breathing New York City air. That's the story I tell people. That's the reason why one Monday I went. It was fucking freezing. It was fucking freezing.

It was like I was going over there for like five weeks at this time. And it was fucking freezing. It was like my sixth week there. It was like towards the end of February. And I get there, and when I get there, they go, dog, we're closing up today. When I get there is when I find out, they closed up to there. I didn't give a fuck. I was in the city. I'm in the city. It's 10 in the morning. I'm fine.

That's a beautiful day to be alive. It's just a little cold. I got money in my pocket to get me back, at like 30 bucks. And I had a plan to buy weed anyway. So I went to the spot, I usually go to buy weed. Boom. And they also had, in those days, they had angel dust. And they would sell you angel dust for three bucks. How much angel dust?

If I took a joint and made the skinniest joint you ever seen, that's what it was. Is that enough to get high? Oh, that would put you in Zambovil. But you wouldn't put it in a joint, you wouldn't roll it in a joint by itself. You'd sprinkle it in a joint of the weed they just sold you. So you put a tray, as they called it. into one of the joints that you bought. And that's the story.

I tell about the time I smoked and after I smoked the joint with the chick, she told me she was pregnant. Yeah. That's where that happens. That fateful day. I was having a good old time over there. I really was.

I got into gambling over there because around the corner there was a gambling book. And it was just like Las Vegas. You'd go and go, let me get $30 on the Knicks tonight. Give them the money and they give you a betting slip. No way.

Yeah, it was just like that. So I was getting into little gambling over there. I was winning. I was getting them for a hundred a week. Yeah, no. Were you actually studying? Or were you just getting lucky? No, I was getting lucky with basketball. In those days, there's parts of the year where you're good with basketball.

The lines are tricky. I knew the Knicks. I knew the, you know, I had taken some beatings already in basketball. Timmy, you know, he knew, his family knew a lot about gambling. Do you remember against the Knicks? I did a lot of stupid shit. It doesn't matter. I did a lot of stupid shit. But the

The painful thing about that job was that it was like July. I'd been doing it for six months. No, Lee, I hadn't put away any money. But I had clothes. I was eating. I wasn't really getting in trouble, you know? I had some problems, I think, at the time. Some people were looking for me, but it was nothing serious.

At that time, yes, people were looking for me. And I was going into New York every day. fucking swimming in the fucking shaky ground and I left and I made a decision to leave because one day when I was in there I was like on a train back

and I thought to myself Jesus fucking Christ what am I doing my life like I was a fucking loser like we were talking about Barton in school this is a year or two before Barton in school

like I was just out of my wits all I lived for was to fucking go out at night and hang out with my buddies and talk shit. I was a law soul. And by this time my friends were going to college, which made me feel inferior, like

you just feel even shittier about yourself. I still remember that year going to like Thanksgiving to the bar the night before Thanksgiving. Okay. And everybody's home with the little fucking college sweaters. And you're in the corner with your fucking Hulam buddies and you feel like shooting yourself.

Really? Oh my God You know There's a movie called St. Elmo's Fire And there's a scene like that At the bar where they come home for Thanksgiving And they're all fucking fancy They're all fucking mook in the corner

That didn't go to college But your father owns a construction company So everybody comes back from school And they're like, oh my God We love Southern California Oh my God, we love Michigan And you know they're like fucking Yeah, I'm a roofer.

And they have no idea how much better they have it in reality. Well, nobody knows the dick at that age. You just know what you got and what you don't got. Right. And what you don't have is that much farther away than what you really think. At that age, I could have had a job and worked every day. I just, fuck you. It's going to take me longer than a week.

Fuck you. You know what I'm saying? I'm never going to get that money. I'm never get that money. Even if I make a budget, it would be years before I get the money that I'm looking to get. I used to get stripped up with the cover letter part of the job application. Like if I ever had to write a cover letter, I would just not apply. I was way before the cover letter.

You never had to write that? You like writing letters, though? No, I wrote cover letters when I got divorced. In 91, I had to start writing, like, little cover letters, so I wrote, like, things that had done. I've never knew what to say. Accomplishments. Everything that you did only magnify it. So instead of saying I was a maintenance man at a podcast studio, you say you were a maintenance technician at a major media studio.

Conglomerate. Yes. That leaves a big word. So what did you do there? Did you sweep? Did you clean the toilets? Did you work on the computers? I organized materials.

Those cover letters are just bullshit. It's just bullshit. It's not lying. You can't lie on those things because they'll bust you. It's basically your accomplishment only with big words and make it seem like, you know, I'm a maintenance technician third class. Of the highest order. Of the highest order.

Who gives a Frenchman's front? It'd be my dream to be a maintenance technician at year. You're picking up papers with a stick with a knife. nail at the end. Well, are you kidding? You know what I'm saying? But that doesn't matter as long as you sell it. Right. But the point of the Ray Cone thing, the guy Ray, was at the beginning, he was listening to an album, like a hypnosis album, and it was 1940, guys, 1950. And the guy was laying back, and this is way before Anthony Roberts. And this guy was just saying that the key to all this shit is persistence. And I remember sitting there after hearing that the first time. I thought about it.

last night. Like when I was driving home from the house right to you and I went home last night and I don't know what I did when I got home last night. I just sat around for like an hour and cooled off and I thought about that word and how it's really fucking real. Like the first time

he went to the McDonald Brothers, they were like, nah, we don't want a franchise. And then he went back with a different offer and then he went back and then like this guy is a fucking persistent fuck. So were the McDonald's brothers like? I don't want to say artists, but they were purists.

They liked burgers. They had created something. They had worked hard for what they had created. They had experimented. They had lost. They had experimented. Then they chopped it down to what was what they sold. And they made it into a production line so you could have a burger in 30 seconds.

Then they sold it as an American institution. When you go into a town, what do you see? You see a church, it's got a cross on it, you see a city government building, it's got a flag on it, and when you see McDonald's got the two arches on it. It was just a brilliant idea, guys. It's amazing when you see American ingenuity, that's American ingenuity. But the main thing I got from that was his persistence. People have no idea what they need to do.

Like now, I remember we talk about selling. I talked to you about selling all the time. I was a good salesman, but I wasn't a great salesman. Do you know why? Because when I was young, I didn't really want to focus on it. That was not what I wanted to do. I frowned upon that career, which if I would have stuck it out, I would have been a great salesman on the phone.

I mean, when I was 27, when I came out of prison, I got a great job offered to me. And if I would have got that job, I could have got any other fucking job. Because I would have just kept moving up. I just never gave it enough time. Selling on the phone? Yeah, like being an indoor salesman for like a big corporation.

They don't know what you look like. They don't know you're a fucking felon. They don't give a fuck. They just want you to sell and set appointments. You know what I'm saying? So I'm just selling, sending you a packet, staying on you. And then going, listen, I got a rep in your area right now. They come over there and talk to you.

Let me set it up for you. That type of shit. Those guys, those guys make dough, and then they make back-end dough. If you have the appointment, you make dough. If you sell it, I make dough. I make dough. If they get something else, I make dough. So there's three or four levels of dough there.

So you end up making a lot of money? Yeah, you can't. Yeah. You really can't. You'd be surprised how well telemarketers do. Especially jobs that don't have a ceiling on them. Like, if they do not have a ceiling, like, I have the potential to go really here today. You can make as much money as you want.

I could actually make $8,000 today. That is a fucking. and tremendous job to have. It's tremendous pressure on an individual, but it really isn't. It really isn't. When I was younger, I did that also, and I was good at it, but I wasn't great at it.

But by what I've learned the last 10 years in comedy and how the funniest guys are not using the popular ones and all that type of shit taught me that, what we're talking about? The sales. The sales, I could have been on. lot better at different parts of it. Well, do you think, and it's the oldest question in the book, but for people out there who are looking for jobs, can you learn to be a good salesman?

Because I don't think I would be. Yes. Really? Yes. To me, it just seems like people like you were born to be salesmen. No, it's all in the script. Really? It's all in the script.

They designed, the people who own that company spent thousands of dollars. on that marketing script. Oh, the telemarker. The telemarketer. So that company, let's say I'm Mattel. Okay? Let's say I'm Mattel. Mattel's not just going to sit there at night

and write a script and give it to you. They're going to write a script to push you a little bit, throw you off your chair, and set the appointment. We're Mattel. Once I start going off that script, like anything else in life, I start improvising, and it all falls apart.

So they have an option for whatever the person on the phone says, they have some response for you. I have a list of things. You know, if you watch all those movies, boiler room, they all have a list of, if you say something, I say something back. And I keep going back. I learned a really good lesson in like 1989. I worked at Boulder, Toyota, a dealership in Boulder. great dealership, like fucking class A dealership. You were not going to go in there and set the world on fire.

But a single guy, that's a great fucking job. You know, Monday through Saturday, Sunday's off, you have a day off during the week if you want to. If you're a young guy, you go, you know what? Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go in there every day from 9 to 9, 9, 5 days a week. and I'm going to take the day off the week and blow some steam

and then take Sunday off and blow some steam I did that kind of sort of and I made dough but not the dough I should have made because I was focused on other things like drugs and how to do drugs and be on probation at the same time and pee in a bottle and not get caught

but that was a phenomenal job but the point I'm trying to make is when I was there I learned a valuable fucking lesson and this was when I got out of prison I read a book, telemarketing I've spoken about it in the podcast, but this was a lesson that was brutal.

So in those days, you know what the sales call is? When you go to the sale? When you call Toyota Van Nuys? Okay. And you go, how are you doing? Can I speak to a salesman? Okay, so what an operator will do is go, okay, now, there's either two things that happen.

A slick salesman like me gives her a 20 in the beginning of the week. and says, hey, beautiful, any sales calls come in? Ask for Joey Diaz. I'm here all day today. Give her 50 bucks, forget about it. She'll give you a sales call from fucking India. She'll give you the least department sales call.

It's amazing. But let's pretend you don't want to give her a 50. You want to take a chance that. At any of the dealership, an operator goes, sales call on line 5 and 20 dudes run to the phone. and the name, hello, this is Lee, how can I help you? Hi, I want to buy an 82, it says in the paper, okay, that's a way you do a sales call. And the guy improvised.

But at this dealership I worked at, it was owned by the guy that owned the New Orleans Jazz at the time. And he invested a lot of money in training. And what he did was he hired this company from California. And what they did was they provided you would, if you had like 10 salesmen, they'd provided you with two boxes. Two boxes. It was like two boxes in the corner. And then those boxes were a phone.

And you had to sit there. And on the phone, on the wall in front of you, was all the things the guy was going to say and onto your right were all the things you were going to say. And before you could start working there, the guy would come in personally and talk with you for three days. The owner? The guy that ran this phone

sales system. Got it. He would come in personally and tell you, listen to me and listen to me correct. If you stick to the seven points I'm talking about here, you will sell the car. But most importantly,

you'll get them in here. So it's a percentage game. If you get 10 sales calls, if you call in, okay, if you call in and go, hi, this is Lisa, I'm looking for, it says in the paper, you have a 2017

Toyota Corolla demo edition with what color is that car I can't even tell you the color okay I don't know right now what I can do is take your number

and call you back on a lot and call you back I do know one thing hold on one second hey Larry what's that call like what color purple and it's beautiful

it's beautiful just can't they just fit okay and the guy hears that lightly I cover the phone but not really he knows exactly what to say, because we do this every day. Then he gets on the phone, he goes, all right, listen, it's ready to go, it's beautiful. And the guy goes, what type of mileage does it have?

Average miles. That's not a number. Yeah. So it's 2017, average miles. What's the average mileage in American puts on a car a year, 15,000 miles? It's a 2017. Anyway, listen, the miles doesn't really matter. The car is beautiful and it's ready to go.

Lee, what's your last name? And what time can you get down here? Siat and Hall 2? No, you're a fucking moron. You're going to go, no, I want the exact mileage. I want to know the color. I want to know if it has the sports package. I can't tell you that.

Lee, listen, it's got everything. Do me a favor. Grab my number. Let me give me the address. What time can you come down here? Where are you calling from? I mean, it just hit you with points, Lee. And when you, so you would be lazy.

Now, number one, They taped every conversation. Were they listening right then? Yes. No, no, no. They would come and you would send the tapes daily. Okay. So I'll never forget this.

Mary was her name. Mary would go sales call line two. And you would have to pick up the phone and go, Mary, Joe Diaz, phone number two. Phone number two was the phone by the window. Guess what I did? Let me tell you how much of a sack of shit I was. I went over and disconnected the tape recorder.

so I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. So they knew something was up. They were like, suddenly disconnected both tape recorders. It's hilarious. I did that like two weeks in a row. The guy got pissed at the meetings because he would come in every Wednesday from California and had a sales meetings and shit

at 9 o'clock and talk about the progress on the phone. The guy was phenomenal. Thinking about it now in hindsight. And he would say, Lee Syatt last week, you took 11 sales calls. and you sold no cars. Why do you think that was? And you go, I don't know.

The guy, and he also played your fucking sales pitches. And he looked at you and go, where in the sales pitch does it say 15,400? Like, he would just, he wouldn't grill you, but he'd go, you lost the sale right there. And dog, so he, I, they started figuring out, they put a lock on the box. Who was he? Was he like the master car salesman? He was a phone guy that was big time phone communication. communication guy.

And this company started up and they consulted a bunch of fucking, like, listen to the story. So I didn't

like the guy. Okay. He just seemed too fucking whitey, tidy for me. I just got out of prison.

He was always on time. And then he started listening to me and one day, he got so pissed at me later. He goes,

by the way, Mr. Diaz, you're off the phone for two weeks. And I was like, what are you talking about,

man? He goes, your percentages is zero. I was pissed. He hurt my feelings. He said it to me in front of anybody. There was only two people ever in the history that he was there

that he had to take off the phones because they were so bad. Were you not following the script? I would follow two or three steps and then give up and cave. He didn't care if you did that because a human does that by natural. He would tell you why you would do that. But he wanted you to go against yourself and stick to the pitch and go back to those six. It was really...

So what happened was when everybody left the room, I kind of got in this face. Not in a violent way. I just approached them and asked them, what's going on. He goes, what we're going to do

is you and I are going to come back next Wednesday. We're going to meet. I'm taking you off the floor and we're going to go through the whole thing. And that was kind of pissed. I really, I was young. I was stubborn.

I was like, this is bullshit. I'm going to lose money. I wasn't going to lose money. no money. This guy sat me down and went through the whole thing. He was him or not. For three fucking hours, laying a room with suits on.

And he broke it down to me like a fucking science. And he started taking charts out and fucking books and graphs. Sounds like money ball with car sales. This guy was brilliant. No, he knew about phones. He knew that you're not

supposed to sell the car on the phone. You're selling the appointment. I don't want you to ever sell a car on the phone. It doesn't matter what color it is. It really doesn't. We can get any color you want to. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what color it is.

It doesn't matter what type of mileage it's got. It doesn't matter if they set it on fire and they reconstitute it. That's not your job. Your job is to sell the appointment. And I started thinking about it. It took me like three or four days to think about what the fuck is this guy talking about. This guy smarter than fuck. I'm a dumb fuck.

I can't figure this out. And you know what? I made a conscious decision. I was like, I'm going to stick to the fucking script. That's it. I went home and I studied that motherfucker. Those three weeks I was suspended every night, Lee, before I get coked up. You know, I would study the script for an hour.

I wrote it down. And this was, this was post-prison. This was when I had a kid and I was really trying to put the pieces together. So I wanted to make a little bit more money. I wanted to make five grand instead of $3,200. I was stuck at like $3,200 a month, $2,800 a month. That's shit after taxes. That was shit after taxes in those days.

There were guys that were walking out of a $5,000 in the fucking month, you know? So I listened to this guy. I really did listen to him. I did everything by the book. Lees Syatt, people were coming in with their wallet. I was in shock he had six pointers on that sheet of paper come on guys it's been 30 years I don't remember

but they all went back to the appointment don't take your focus off the appointment what's the mileage is average I remember that one the mileage is average what time can you come in and look at the car I live in whatever that's 30 minutes you know like he just had all six of them and if you kept going back to them Your job was to wear the fucking customer app.

So, yeah, so when can come in? I can't, and I have work today. Okay, so if you can't come in today, what time can you come in until that? We're here until 9 o'clock. What am I going to do? Where do you work? I work at the Home Depot. That's six miles away.

I'll tell you what. I'll drive the car over to you. I mean, these motherfuckers were relentlessly. So anyway, you put it, I did it. I went back on the phones. And one day at a meeting, like four weeks later, he goes, by the way, I got to tell you something. You know, at the best month in here ever, and people were like, oh, it was a Sats. There was an Indian guy that worked there, and that was very good.

And there was another white dude that worked there. It was very good at the time. And he goes, no, Joey Diaz. Oh, shit. What the fuck are you talking about? And he goes, I'm talking about percentages of people that came through the door. I learned a lot about that. Like, if I would talk to 10 people, eight people would come through the door.

Well, it sounds similar to what you were talking about about the founder to me last night that I don't think you mentioned yet. Is what be a know what you're selling? Know what you're selling. Absolutely. You know, I don't want to spoil it for them. So I don't want to mention that. Gotcha. But it's really weird that that let, I'll tell you how good it got that that guy and I started going to lunch every Wednesday.

When he would come, he would do the meeting. We would go on the floor, try to sell a car. And him and I became, his name was like Jim. That was his first name. He was from Southern California, and he'd fly into Denver every fucking Wednesday. And he'd cut the Boulder Toyota with a fucking tremendous suit on, tremendous hair, always very neat, nails done, shoes polished, color coordinated. And I got so good at getting appointments from that man

that every Wednesday for like three months until I left the dealership every Wednesday him and I went out to fucking lunch Were you making appointments for yourself? No, I was making appointments for the dealership I was getting people to come into the dealership

So in turn, listen When you're selling cars Savages stand outside You ever go to a car dealership Because people are out there working on the tan No, they're savages They're trying to get you You ever park in the back of a lot

because you see a car you like and you read a sticker and all of a sudden somebody goes boo it's a car salesman they're lurking back there that's what the professionals lurk where people are going to sneak in

if you if you know Chandler right on the end of it on the van eyes right if you're coming back east there's people there's always like a group of them

by the Mercedes-Benz one smoking right in the back there's like eight of them that must be a See, but see, if I own the Mercedes men's dealership, I would not allow that. I would not allow to have salesmen smoking anyone in the property. Because as soon as I'm a decent person, I don't want people smoking in my Mercedes. Right, no.

It's really weird. Mercedes people are very weird. So that's really rude. That's how much, like, I was really raised in that salesman type of, I just wasn't ready for it. Where's Tony Bennett, cocksucker? It's Monday, cocksucker. It's Monday, cock's mok. Take the stick out of your ass. It's life.

A somebody who will swear to be true. as you used to do with me. To learn that misery loves company. LSD. Let me get some shout out here to my people. Lawn Rosenker, always on point. I have not seen or heard from Ali Baas, the Oz Warrior.

So if anybody's seen from him, tell him I'm looking for that cock sucker. Uki-spooky, nothing but love. Brian Keller trying to get him on the podcast in September Jam CGG, Ray Quigley, Ricky G, Fremont Street Picks, and Chris

Norcross. I got your cocksuckers. Don't forget, Thursday, Friday, Saturday this week, Ontario motherfucking Improv. Nobody's going to be there Saturday because of the McGregor fight. What am I going to do? I can't compete with that. But if you don't want to pay the yardstick, Uncle Joe will be there for you.

Ontario Improv, Ontario Mall. Ontario, California. That's all I fucking know. Don't ask me for any fucking questions. What? What the fuck are you looking at? Cocksucker.

Again, I wanted to thank Rogan for put me on the other day. That was amazing. I had a blast. I did not know that the podcast was going to turn into shit stories. That was not my intention.

That was not pre-rehearsed. That was not pre-recorded. That was not pre-discussed. Rogan usually takes the higher road. I don't know if I took the lower road or whatever. But like I said on that podcast, we were having a good time. You know, I have feelings.

I have feelings, bro. I really do, guys. Were people being mean to you about your heart? No, I'm a fucking savage, okay? But I got feelings just like anybody else. And you know what? I'm a big dude, bro, but I get really fucking sensitive. Me too.

And every once in a while I read posts. For some reason, I get caught on reading something. You ever go through Facebook and you're just looking for your fucking dear, dear, dear friends to see what the fuck they're saying. But all of a sudden you stumble on some stupidity and you look into it and you're like, what the fuck? There's this lady who post on my shit, not on my page. She just posts, I could see it. Once a month, she books a comedy show in L.A. And she just destroys comics like myself and like she just goes nuts.

It's like, you know, our ads are like, are you tired of seeing dirty comedy? Are you tired of seeing comedy that bashes political awareness? Are you tired of comedy that bashes the LGBT community? Are you looking for thought-provoking comedy? Are you looking for insightful and intelligent comedy come to our shows on Wednesday at 8?

And it's got seven fucking stiffs. One worse than the other. Because I'm going to get through all that list. That sounds terrible. Listen, guys, you will put a gun in your mouth. Do you hate fun? So every once in a while, she'll put a tape up of her shows. And it's 25 people.

They all have, you know, different, you know, they're all special people. Okay? They're very fucking special. She shows like the little after party in front of the fucking, this closet that she books. And it's, listen, when I read this, that type of stuff, I get it. I understand that there's people that want to go watch a comedian that's witty. And I enjoy it.

I enjoy a lot of comedians that are witty. Some guys are too witty, and that's what pisses me off. They can't sell it. But there's a lot of comics that I like that type of wit. There's one guy at the store that fucking gills me. You know, I like Ian Edwards. His wit is tremendous. I love fucking Neil Brennan.

You know, I am buying guys like that. I wish I could write like that, but that's not who I am. But, like, Neil Brennan doesn't bash dirty comics. And there's Ian Edward. Edward, you know, near there's a handful of those comics. So I read those Facebook ads, and it just, it doesn't piss me off. It just makes me go, wow, that shit fucking exists, that somebody uses that type of fucking language to sell a show, because maybe they're frustrated or

I've read fucking oh my God she once put an ad in there about a year ago that why go to the comedy clubs and see commercial comedy when you could see real comedy here on Tuesday night It's like they're starting fights that don't exist It's like why not just say come and see witty comedy

Like why are you bashing what I do now for no reason Like that doesn't seem like a fun She's not She's bashing it in a backhanded way. That's what fucking gets to me. That instead of just coming out and said, then she said something else.

Then, when Ari taped the fucking show at the Cheetah, like after he taped the Comedy Central thing, she did one. And she goes, why go watch a show that's going to be cut in edited stories? So they could sell commercial. space when you could tell you a real story here.

Oh, no, no, it's a fucking nightmare. And I know it's frustration. I know it's not that she hates that style of comedy. I know that maybe she's a comic and she's frustrated. So she lashes. For years, I had a friend that would tell me to my face. For you to do sets at the comedy store, you got to be a fucking weido like you and I would go,

I'm the only fucking weido down there. You know, at that time it was Wheels and Vinnie Faberino. Vinnie Faberino went to Vegas. Wheels is in Vegas. What are you talking about? You know, there's just people who get angry because they're not getting spots. So my point was that day we were laughing. We were laughing.

Joe's an intelligent guy and he was fucking laughing. Tom Segura, we've been on planes because Tom Segura and his wife, don't their podcast, aren't they surrounded about shit stories and fucking farting on planes and shit in your pants at the airport and all that. I mean, surrounded is a, that's pretty much a par for the course. A par for the course. So, you know, I mean, if I get together.

And they call Brown Talk. If I get together with Tom, he'll talk to me about certain situations and he'll ask me if I saw a certain something and I'll fucking laugh with him. You know, Tom's a great guy to be around because he kind of laughs at my

fucking humor. You know, he gets it. He doesn't mind that I'm dirty. It's really funny, like Gabriel Lacey's. Gabriel Lacey's a funny fucking dude that really perfects his act and being clean and whatnot. If I'm with Gabriel on a fucking club, and I hope I'm not sounding like I'm dropping that.

If I'm with Gabriel at a club and we're just talking, we're fucking howling. And I know I can be filthy as fuck. And before I go on stage, who come over with me and go, dog, do that joke about pulling the tampon out of something. Philippe, it's really weird. The comics that don't do it,

like I admire a witty comic. Yeah, because it's not the way you do. I feel that they do a lot more work than I do. But do you think maybe witty comics might be jealous of the way that you can command a crowd or? No, if I was a witty comic, I wouldn't give a fuck what anybody was doing.

I know I was leaving. I know you were leaving and you were really thinking about what I spoke about. Like, that's how I think about it, to be honest with you. So that's why I like Sintelph. I always like Sintrault. I paid to see Jerry Sintel. In 90- fucking three or two.

I'm going to see him eventually. The tickets are a buck in the corner now. I think I paid like $28. I got a good deal back then. So that's why that conversation arose on the Rogan podcast. not because I went up there planning on telling the shit stories. They took me by surprise, too. It took me by surprise when you let me tell the second one.

The blow job? I'm all the one in Kentucky in whatever that time was. Yeah, you know, I told Tom, we were in Brea one night. And I told the story on stage, and this was way before storytelling was around. This one we were doing Bra It was like a hundred people that And I told that stupid story Of me going to a club

And the girl I can't believe my son I don't even want to say it on this fucking podcast So disgusting It's all those disgusting stories We were just on the fucking roll On the Rogan podcast Talking a shit

So it went kind of fucking awry You know It's just It's it As a podcast fan It's pretty cool Just a thousand Like I don't know any of the

podcast that's gotten to that number yet and especially with him and you on the show and and cigar the I mean how many you must have been on that what 30 40 times 20 times I don't know I don't know I try to really space them out well yeah now like I said I can call him and go on there every two weeks and he'll make up some show and why he's putting me on there number one I don't want to affect our friendship. And number two, I don't want to do his podcast every week. Right. No, I want people to go, what the fuck?

You live on there. So I do do one thing, people. This I do do do. I do know that when I go on this podcast, I'm fucking prepared. I go to bed earlier night before. I do exercises the one night before I go up there. I want to be mentally prepared to deal with him. that podcast. That I will not lie to you. That I do.

Well, I think even just going back to the catalog with the ones that you've been on, the early, early, early ones, like people of favorites, like, I don't know that I don't remember the numbers, but some of the early ones when you guys were on the couch are, like, someone's going to eventually do a podcast history course. Like, one of the podcasts that I remember going on there really fucking. and laughing was the prison one. That was the first time I remember. There was two points in my podcast career

that I really remember laughing from my heart, like that I was almost going to die. When you were talking about them screaming? When I was talking about, no, not the Burt Pro Chrysler podcast. Okay. One time, one of the first times I really discovered laughter on podcasting was Felicia and I were doing a podcast. Now, Felicia loved the spit thing. What do you call the black little circle

where you put in front of the microphone? Oh, yeah, pop filter. Pop filter. So, and we would sit a certain way that I really, I could see Felicia, but not really. We were talking about something, and I told the story about when I mugged the hooker and lit her wig on fire. Like, that was, like, for some reason it was, again, the best stories come out. out not when you plan them guys it's when you don't plan them and you lay something and the timing is right and nobody pauses you

are you really are you surprised that people have that reaction to mucking a hooker and letting her wig on fire the reaction was fucking mind-boggling but the podcast was at small at such a small

level at that time that nobody really heard it. We were getting like maybe 2,000 downloads a week. But the problem with that story is that was the beginning of my podcast career. Because I'm telling the story and I'm not looking at Felicia Michaels. I'm looking straight ahead while I'm telling the story. And all of a sudden when we told the story about dragging the chicken to the cemetery and fucking making a strip, I look over Felicia.

corner on my eye and her jaw is completely fucking dropped. And if you listen to the podcast and she was editing them at that time, but if she didn't edit, you could tell. I didn't finish the story because looking at her and I knew we were on to something. I knew that day when I saw her jaw drop. And then the Rogan podcast, when I told the story about going to prison and this, you know, guys, as fuck it up this is. sounds. These couple days were miserable, but then

again they were fun. I had gotten sentenced August 15th. Okay. On August 18th, I got shipped to Summit County. I stayed to Summit County for maybe a week. So maybe like on

the 25th, I went to the Department of Corrections and that's when you go to Canyon said you go to processing. I sat in there for four days and then five more days of processing. And then they said they were going to send me to Missouri here there,

blah, blah, blah. Well, guess what, bitches? I had to want to go to Rifle. I wanted to go to Rifle Prison because see if they still got a prison in Rifle, Colorado. See if they still got a prison in Rifle, Colorado. This was crazy. Rifle, Colorado was five hours from Boulder at the time.

It probably still is maybe four and a half if you're fucking lucky. Yeah. What? They still have it? Rival Correction Center. Let me see. Pop it up on the screen there. This is crazy that 30 years later they still got this fucking place.

So everybody told me I was eligible for two places at that time. I was eligible for rifle or I was eligible for, uh golden which was uh camp george west you want to click on to it or what's one do you want to be a web page or something this was crazy guys this was the place where you wanted to be in the system because they had a swimming pool you got a job at the swimming pool or you got the job at a movie theater or you got a job at the ski slope this was the fucking prison i wanted to be at and i got to fucking tap on the fucking shoulder one morning, wake the fuck up, cuck sucker.

We're taking you to your destination. And I look at the guy and I go, if I go on a rifle, he goes, no, you're going to Golden to Camp George West. And I freakly. There's nothing on that. I freaked, not because I was scared. I don't even tell you about the movie theater and the...

No, they won't tell you about that. Maybe it's changed now. But I freak because the whole time they were telling me I was going to Camp George West. that were going to tell me I was going to rifle. I had all the qualifications in the world to go to fucking rifle. They were like, ah, we don't know about Camp George West. Camp George West is very selective.

They're not going to probably take you because you had a violent crime. I would tell them it's not a violent crime. It would say it depends on they look at it. And baboon. Ended up in Camp George West. I got there. I met with a council right away. They tell you, go, they'll tell you, go see the kitchen.

made to go you don't want a job in the kitchen for me lee i had gone through 20 days of what i thought was going to be hell what i thought i thought i thought i thought i was going to get raped i thought i was going to get beat up i thought something's going to want to come up to me and fuck me or something nothing happened i read a book i got off the marijuana habit i realized i could live without marijuana i realized the crime I had done, and there was nothing I could do. There was no escape. I wasn't thinking of escaping. There was the appeal process, and there was what the judge had told me,

that in 120 days to file a motion for reconsideration sentencing, and that's all I could do. And here I was in a place I didn't want to be at. I didn't want to be at Camp George West. I didn't even know why. That's how dumb I was at that. That's how fucking dumb I was. I thought you wanted to be there. No.

And guess what? Camp George West was 45 minutes from Boulder. Like I could have people visit me there. But I wanted to do my time in Rifle because everybody said I'm right for you. You could fucking do this and do that and go to the movie theater and blah, blah, blah, blah, pop. So when I went to Camp George West, once I got there, I was like, holy shit, I hit the jackpot. You just didn't know it? No, I didn't know it. I didn't know it.

I didn't know I was fucking 40 minutes from the house. And I didn't know like getting a job. Like they said to me, don't get a job in the kitchen. Don't you don't want to work in the kitchen. Where do you want to work? You want to work outside. You want to work on, you know, fucking this agenda, maybe in the laundry room. You want to work, maybe get permission to go outside.

Those people who you see on the side of the roads picking up shit. That's what you want to do? Yeah, I wanted to be outside in the sun. Because people could drop off packages for it. So I could tell you where I'm going to. be and you could tell me where a package is and then on the way back they really don't search you you throw in the back of the truck one of the bags and they don't search you they trust you it was crazy how those guys were making money in

prison and I thought I was gonna do the same thing so no no no no no the guy says to me blue mr. blue is so because before when I got there you have to wait online to talk to your counselor so the inmates were coming up to me asking me questions and then they would tell me listen if they asked you if you had hepatitis telling me it like if you had something bronchitis or something tell them that you've had it so you don't have to work in the kitchen I go they're going to look at my medical records it's the dumbest thing in the world why was it good to have that I don't know because then you couldn't get a job in the kitchen if you at one time had a pneumonia I forget what the disease was that you had to have to not work in the

kitchen. I was just about to say how brilliant all these people are, but then they have weird stuff like that. That just doesn't make sense. So, I would want to be in the kitchen. I went to the council and he goes, what are you going to do? What are you hear? What do you want to do? And I don't know what type of program you got. And he told me

and he told me that, you know, I was good aptitude-wise I should really consider being a judge like an attorney in the jail. And I told him that wasn't going to happen. And that was it. He goes, go see the dude in the kitchen.

He's looking for people. And he goes, have you ever had hepatitis or whatever? And I go, no. He goes, go see the dude. I didn't have to go in that kitchen. I didn't not have to. People were like, don't go in the kitchen. I was like, you know what, man?

I'm just happy to be here. I'm going to go to the kitchen. I went to the fucking kitchen. Mr. Sumphing went a big motherfucking black dude. Big fucking black dude. old like army guy navy guy 20 years serviceman ran a kitchen in there you know high level kitchen dude I wish I could remember his name guy was he a guard or was he was he was the head chef he was in charge of the kitchen he went home every day okay he was an outside that I came in big black dude with

glasses he looked like b b b king only six foot fucking six big dude you know You had a couple black dudes working in the kitchen, a couple white dudes. And he goes, you're getting a job in the fucking kitchen. I go, okay. And he goes, can you bake? Bake. I never bake nothing in my fucking life. Bake.

So he goes, you're going to be a baker. So I would have to get up at five and go down there. And the first day I had to make, like, muffins or something like that. I forget me. And that was cool. And I got to eat extra muffins. And I got to eat extra eggs, which we'd discuss. You know, there was nothing.

You didn't eat like eggs with a yolk. They were good eggs. No, these were powdered, nasty motherfuckers. So the second day I got there and I had to make cinnamon things. What do you call them? Cinnamon rolls? Cinnamon rolls. Those are my favorite.

And you had like, they had like a gun or something. You had to make them a certain size. I didn't want them that size. I wanted them bigger. So I put them all in the oven dog. The oven caught fire. They get bigger when they put them in the oven. Something.

fucked up with me, man. Oh, my God. You know, the first batch went bad, then the second batch went on fire. Then the third batch, he came out yelling. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you? Nobody's ever been this stupid. Look at the size of these muffins.

They look like little flying sauces. You know those things you'd throw in the Olympics? They were that big. They were gigantic. A discus. That's what they looked like. They didn't even taste like cinnamon. They tasted like fucking cardboard.

It was horrible. I didn't know what I was fucking doing. I don't know how to do. bake? What the fuck do I know about baking? You look like you can learn how to bake it? Yeah, no, no. That's not my forte. Do you have to have a job in jail?

Fuck, yeah. Because that's what gets your good time. Like, that's what gets your good behavior and stuff like that. So on the way out, he goes, I got another job for you. You got your driver's license. I go, yep. He goes, man, it's tough getting somebody with a driver's license in there.

Why? Because if you're going to a fucking jail, you obviously lost your license. like they chased you. Oh my God. Something. There's always something with those guys. There was one guy in there. He was young, too.

He wasn't going to get his license, though. He was fucking 92. They took the license from him for like 30 years. Something crazy. Something crazy, because he led cops on a high-speed chase.

You lose your law? Oh, yeah. You get all those points. He did something. He did something. I do not quote me on this for sure, but he did. something that

like high speed and something else he drew because they you pick up different charges for different things like he ran 89 stop signs

so each stop sign is like three points like they fucked them somewhere but yeah he was like so nobody has a license so my job basically was I got there early I ate breakfast

I eat breakfast I eat what the fuck I wanted to I could tell the chef The head chef was a black dude And his name was Spencer Anton And he was from New Orleans About 30 minutes out of New Orleans And he was tougher than debt

And he was in there from voluntary manslaughter And his sous chef With a black dude named Etchi I don't know where the fuck Etchie was from And there was another guy that worked in the kitchen he was on the friar his name was big tea he was from buffalo Big tea was fucking huge dark

and all you could see and then one of the fucking dudes that worked in the kitchen was the crimp Torre Pyle from Denver from that way. It was like a race thing that didn't want you going there? No it was there was only out of the ten guys that worked in the kitchen three of them were white because Mr. Yarborough that was his name Mr. Yarbrough was black So he liked the black Invicts.

So in the mornings I had to get there and carry out four boxes of sandwiches to trucks to a truck, a little Toyota truck. And I'd have to start the truck up, drive 50 yards to the guards gate. They would open the guards gate. And then I would drive 100 yards down the road where four different vehicles would back up. and one guy would come out of every truck. I wasn't allowed to get out of the car. One guy would come out of every truck and take out a fucking thing

and go in their truck. Before they left, I made a U-turned and went back to the gate. They looked in the truck. They would be watching me. Did you have a guard with you in the car? Huh? Did you have a guard with you?

No, no, no. It was me by myself. Wow. So they let me drive on 150 yards one way and 150 yards. the other. So once I did that and I pulled back in, they go, Joey, just pull it over there.

I pulled it over there. That was it. All right. So it would probably be 7 a.m. I think the Invict said ate at 8. I would already be fed by 7 o'clock.

My breakfast. What I wanted. That's why you liked that job. Now the first week, I didn't get what I wanted because I didn't know the ends and ounce. So, boom, from there, I went back to my room and took a nap. I would go back to my room and take an app. And then about 11.30, I would go back to the kitchen.

And that's when the orders and the deliveries are coming. For what, the people out in the field? No, for the people in the kitchen. What they got, like canned meat, canned potatoes, chocolate pudding. All that shit is canned. So what I would have to do is, is, leave, pull the orders out that I would leave for the kitchen

and then take the other orders I didn't even take them. I had a dude who loaded them and fucking took him on a little car to the back house. There was a back house about 150 yards from the kitchen in the back of the prison right close to the fence

and there was a camera in the back of the fucking fence, not the front of the fence. It was crazy. You could do drugs over there and stuff so once I started, I would go back there, open up the gate. After about a week, they just gave me the keys. So in the daytime, when I wasn't doing dick, I could walk back there. And I would just go back there and sit and be by myself. And then somebody told me that they don't check the guard shed. They don't

check that. When the dogs come, they never take the dogs out that far. So you'll hide stuff there? Well, I consider hiding heroin back there, bought balloons of heroin. These Mexican, do it so I was like sure and these black dudes came up to me like can you hide rigs back there and steroids how did you suddenly own this thing I had this place I was stashing

this shit in the weirdest places man and I couldn't miss a day's work because if I miss a day's work and somebody else had to go back there and pull some they would find one of the steroids I would hide the food I would hide the this food the heroin

and the syringes either under pallets, but I hit them in food. And I'd pull the food out, and I'd put them in the middle, so you had to pull off 10 boxes to find that shit, you know? Yeah, so, God. And how much money would you make off all that and other stuff? $10 a week and a ton of privileges.

Like the dudes that brought the heroin in, the Mexican dudes. If they brought burritos in, I was the first one to get a bag. on the arm, you know what I'm saying? Bam, right off the bat. Out of respect! They knew I liked that green chili burritos. I remember the one guy's name was Louis Anaya,

and he was about 20-something, and his uncle was in there also. His real blood uncle was in there, and he was cooler than shit. And Lewis Anaya was from the east side of Denver, and his uncle was from the east side of Denver. Lewis Anaya is his uncle. I don't remember what his...

name was. He was a little older, but he was really his blood uncle, and they weren't too fond of each other. But that dude used to bring me fucking burritos out of respect because I'd hook him up with the kitchen. When you work in the kitchen, you can hook people up. Would you get in trouble for it?

No. Nobody knew. So you would come to me and go, Joey, man. You know I'm a fat fuck dog, Joey. This motherfucker don't give me enough of me. Give me five bucks. I would take that five bucks and give it to the guy that pours the meat

and tell him, when Lee comes by, make sure he gets double the fucking meat. Wow. So you come to me the second week and go, Doog, can I give you $3 a fucking week? Instead of five, and I go, fuck you, you're going to me $12 a month.

I wouldn't even touch it. So that black dude I was giving money to he's got three kids. He loved me, and he loved you. What is he going to do, $12 a week? $12 a week? a week, Lee, is $48 a month. When you're in jail

and you want to buy cigarettes or you want to go to the Chinese restaurant and not, you know, instead of, can you imagine if you're fighting for your life, if I said to you, Lee, you don't have to send me no money. Oh. And you're like, you know why? Yeah, but he's not helping his kids out of him to sell.

Lee, if I'm not taking food out of my wife's mouth, I'm helping my kids in one way or the other. That's also true. And I'm not doing a crime. I'm just giving a little chubby Jew who likes more meat extra fucking food every week. You know what I'm saying? Plus a hookup.

So now you know that I take care of you. So now one day if I'm in the library and somebody says to you, hey, motherfucker, he'll go, hey man, no, no, no, no, no don't mess with it least solid. You follow me, it's business. That black dude that I give him the $3 to, he loves me. How do you get money in prison? You put in your pocket. You hide it.

unless they stop you, which they're never going to stop you, but you could have money because you have to go to the store. Right, yeah. So you can't just have $3,000 in your pocket. But it's in your account, right? That's what I was confused about. You have money in your account? Right.

That you could get or you can have money from in there, from selling, let's say you want to sell cookies. You can make cookies and sell cookies at night for a dollar. Or trade them with people for, cigarettes or if they bring burritos on Sundays or shit like that. It's really amazing. You really learn this complete different way of doing commerce. Everything is on the arm and you know the rules.

You can't shake me down because you know that I don't get my potato chips till Thursday. So if I come to you and I go, Lee, you got any chips? Yeah, they're going to cost you two bags, Joey. Good. You know on Thursday you're getting two bags of chips. Because you gave me one on Tuesday. So now you become a store. You go, you know what, I'm a fucking Jew?

Well, why am I fucking what these black motherfuckers and these white motherfuckers for? I'm going to get my own store. So instead of buying two bags, you buy the excess every week. They know what you're doing. From the commissary? Yeah. You buy, you even go to black dudes and go, Doug, what do you want, chocolate chip cookies? Yeah, man.

How much you're going to charge me? I charge you $25, $0.25. on the back man you're stubborn lisa i got you who got you like lees i does so so that's how's the that guy survives he's how he gets his cookies you know why because at night he likes watching a white show and he likes dipping his fucking cookies and milk that's the only satisfaction that makes him feel like he's at home when he's in a prison cell do you understand you sell an emotion so they get it You got to make a living, they got to make a living. You could also say, hey, dog, you work in the laundry room, right?

Yeah, hook me up on an extra blanket in the wintertime. Bam! You could also say, hey, man, you work in the kitchen, right? Yeah. Let me get some extra fucking eggs in the morning. Whatever, Lee, that's the barter system in there. And you look at it, and for drugs and shit, it's weird, but I was never involved in the drug end of it. But is it true, like, in the movies and TV where they're, like, don't do a favor for anybody?

Because then you'll all of them something? No, but you know who you're dealing with when you get in there. You feel them out. You smell the people that will come up to you and they're trying. The second day I was there. I still remember what this guy looks like and I still remember what his two partners look like. They came up to me as New Yorkers. What's up, dog?

Upper West Side. What's up, Brooklyn? What's up? The Bronx. Three white dudes. One, they were all filthy fucking junkies. So they came up to me, what's up? Oh yeah.

You're with us. We're going to hook you up. We're going to teach you what it's all about in here. They carried my shit to my room. They offered me a fucking soul. And I told him, I already knew what time it was. Bap-da-p-pap-a-pap-a-pap. Sit with us in the fucking thing.

I sat with them. I could watch every fucking guard watching me. Next year I went back to my room. I had guards checking me out every 15 minutes. You know why? Because these three guys were heroin bangers. So finally, it took like two days for the fucking clouds to part. And the true colors of that, hey, man, what's up?

No, listen, man. I don't know if you know what the game is in here. We could get you the stuff or we could get you the cotton ball afterward. Like to shoot, the sheet. It doesn't go into the needle. Don't give you the cotton ball. Like, you're doing me a big fucking favor. and they'll start with that bullshit story.

How about if you let my sister put money on your book? Listen, man, there's a federal case I got, and they got my fucking money tied up. I can't do nothing on my banks. I got my fucking girlfriend, giving me 25 bucks a week. Come on, man, no, I can't do it. That's the first thing they're watching.

There's my finances. So the first thing they come to you is try to money you somewhere. there's always a story. I'm not going to do this too. You've been out there long enough. You know who's looking to take advantage. So once I got, then I met somebody else. I forget who it was, and they told me to stay clear of those people.

They were just, and within two days I was getting pissed tested. Because they just saw you with them and they're like, yeah, within two days. So I knew right there, I avoided all the drug people. All the people that were known drug people, I avoided them. And you know what? I never got a drug test again. The rest of the seven months I was in there. You never looked for coke?

Not even once. I knew that I was in there for that and that was the last thing I was going to do. I did not smoke pot either. I did a couple hits of blotter acid. That was it because they couldn't test for that. They couldn't test for it. How is acid in prison?

I think what I've talked about it once, but it sounds terrible. Well, first off, here's the deal. They watch you every night, and they watch your patterns. In those days, the cameras weren't how they were today, but the guards were very active. Even though it was minimum security, you had a walk through every half hour, and you had two or three different people who did the walkthroughs. When these people walked through, they look in your room and they're like, Lisa, I had. is an insomniac.

He's got a TV in there. He has earplugs. Because after 10, you have to put ear plugs, like the little white one with one ear. Yeah, the earbuds. Like the earbuds, but there would only be one. So after 10, you were... So let's pretend you did that every night.

To 1 o'clock, you watch TV, and some nights to guard would come in and hit you in the foot and go, what are you watching? And you're like this stupid movie with John Candy and it's fucking hilarious. You know, he would talk to. you and look at your words, make sure you weren't sweat. Your mouth wasn't moving like you were doing meth.

He smelled your breath. He didn't smell like go breathe in my nose. But when you walk in the room, you can see alcohol. Right. After two months of this, he knows Lee Syatt's an insomniac. Oh. Okay, so when he walks around at one in the morning and he sees the TV out in Lee's room, he knows Lee's not doing meth.

So you don't do the first night you're in jail? You do it once you let them know that you stay up late anyway. No, so you set them up. Like, when my case, I was always an insomnia. Once they took away weed, my sleep problems really started. Not to sleep apnea. That was when my sleep patterns went off. So when I got to this camp, you know, I would lay there for as long as I could.

It wasn't cable TV. You had three channels then, four channels. It wasn't cable and press. isn't there's four channels and you have a hanger in your TV to get all four of them so at night I would walk so I would get out and go in front of my bunker in front of my building there was there was two uh benches and you could sit on the benches and just sit there so I would go out there every night around 10 30 and just sit on the bench and look around until midnight and one o'clock they would come by and ask,

what are he doing out there? Nothing. And then when people found out, I'd do that, a couple people would come out of their fucking barracks. And one of the guys that came out was a guy from the library. And he was an intellectual type of guy.

And he would just come out and fucking talk to me about whatever. He rolled his own cigarettes. I never forget that guy either. His glasses, the little blue jacket he used to wear. He was the original. One of those people,

I just mentioned with the tight pants. The hipsters? He was the original hipster. He had tight pants already. He wore the janitor jacket. He had a hat. He had a beard. So he would come over and stand while I was sitting.

And we would talk. And there was a black guy that started coming out and talking to us. And he was like a born again. So we would sit out there until 12, 12.30. And they don't mind? No. As long as you get to work in the morning of them. I don't give a fuck if you stay out there all night.

And on the weekends, me and that dude would stay out there until three talking shit. About Buffalo, history, current affairs. I would ask him stupid questions about the law. He was very knowledgeable. So the night we did acid, we popped the ass in about seven. So it was okay acid. It was around 8.30. By 11, we were fucking giggling their asses off.

So we split up. And we decided to do what we did every night. go back out there on 12. Gotcha. So we went back out. So we would have stayed out there from a day with a known something was a, something was off course. When something's off course, two days later, they had dogs in your building, or they piss you or both. Nothing could be out of order any of the nights.

That's how they pickpick the junkies. Because they'll go by a junkie's room. He's sleeping. or he's nodded out. They catch those guys. They're the easiest ones to catch. And they'll go in their rooms that night and not say dick to them.

But the next morning, bright and now, they're waking up to fucking 10 dogs and a P test in two hours. Or you go right back to prison. If you come back, positive, you go back to the big prison too. They're taking people back every other day. People really think they could get high in there

and get away with it. They watch everything, but not really. I have a fun time doing all this stuff. It definitely helps me sleep. I can't imagine breaking the law. If, like, God forbid I ever went into prison. And now it's going to, I can't even imagine now. I can't even imagine.

You know, I was telling people that Boulder, Colorado in 1991, was voted in the number one jail in the country to go. Number two was Craig Colorado. I'm not even kidding you. on Yelp? No, this is way before Yelp. This was just a bunch of inmates. I had just started comedy,

and I'll never forget reading that. I wrote a joke about Trident Gum, four out of five dentists surveyed recommended, and I wrote a joke, did you hear that Boulder was voted the number one jail in the country, four out of five convict surveyed recommended Boulder County Jail

the other county jail. That was the fucking truth. Boulder Jail was the number one jail in the country where people wanted to be locked up up it because they gave your juice, they gave your milk, they had cable TV, they had carpeting, they had couches

and carpeting in the fucking jail. Who did the survey? They asked a bunch of convicts from across the country. What was the number one? And like Anchorage, they had the top five fucking jails, the top five county jails.

That's so funny. And Boulder County was number one. People would go to Bold and committed a misdemeanor. Wouldn't be able to pay the fine. Just to try it out? They would go to jail for the winter. Instead of paying rent, they would go to Boulder County jail for the winter. They gave you cigarettes.

Three squares. You got to do exercise. You go to church. Are there people who do that like that jail hump? They do that, brother. Oh, no. They fucking do that. Idiots. Now, listen, man. That's the mentality in there. The one that, the thing that

kills you the most... Don't go to prison. The thing that kills you the most when you get locked up is when you hear people talking about the places where they've been. And we discussed this before, huh? Yeah, I've been to fuck in this place. I party with Lysayat's uncle. No shit, yeah, man, we party. I'll put four in the morning.

How the fuck do you party in prison? Hit me. God damn. I think I lost my glasses. Tell me everybody? I think I lost my mediocre. I said, I think I lost my mediocre glasses. I got up early and went to ride at the coffee shop this morning.

Oh, that sucks. I think I lost my mediocre glasses. I really like these fucking glasses. But that's what happens when you're an old fuck. I looked in the car. I looked in the house. I looked everywhere and I can't find them. What's this here?

Just don't say that. All right, beautiful. Listen, listen to me. I go to the airports. Sometimes I go to the yard. I went to the comedy store, and my wife took the car because she had to go home. And I took a lift and I gotta tell you something. I did it online.

Some kid helped me at the store because Lee wasn't around. The guy showed up in front of the store within fucking four minutes. We got in the car, hit Laurel Canyon. We were home by 18 minutes later, 16 minutes later. We spoke about sports. The car was clean. He offered me a water. He had a purple light and,

front that said lift i knew he was him immediately it was just a fucking tremendous experience now lift knows that their drivers will keep them moving so they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip it's a simple formula happy drivers means happy passers and they made me happy that night maybe that's why nine out of ten lift rides get a perfect five star ready i gave the guy five plus 22 more you can earn thousands of dollars you're going to earn hundreds of dollars a week plus tips you want to earn more money drive more it's never been easier to give yourself a raise nice and easy you're not doing nothing you're sitting around getting your car and do a three or four runs you finish up your little other job boom you do two

more runs you're earning that's the most thing that's the most important thing you're earning lift was the first ride share platform with tipping built right into the app because getting tip shouldn't depend on your passenger having a crumpled building in their pocket. You dig? You keep 100% of the tips and they add up fast. Drivers have been paid over $200 million since the feature was first introduced. And Express Pay lets you get paid almost instantly instead of waiting for weeks. Lyft has even taken the guesswork out of pickups.

The new app device uses color coding to help passengers find their drivers. I'm telling you, it's a beautiful thing. So do yourself a favor. Go join the ride-sharing company that believes in treating its people better. Go to lift.com slash Joey today, right now. Go to go and get a $500 new driver bonus. That's lift.com slash Joey. Again, that's lift.com slash Joey.

Limited time only. Terms apply. You're just sitting there. Take a chance Columbus did. Number two, I've been telling you this for weeks, people. On it. On it. On it. I've been hitting Jiu-Jitsu and I'm at home sometimes four times a week.

You think that's because I'm better than you? No, I'm a fat fuck. I still suck in Jiu-Jitsu. But every time I go, my wind is better, my recovery's better. Why? Shroom Tech Sport. That's why. The Hemp Force protein helps your recovery also.

Every scoop is 16 grams of protein. Oh my God. I can't tell you all the good stuff they have. New mood, Shroom Tech immune, not to mention alpha brain. You don't like it. it, they give you 100% money back guarantee, and then I want the product back. When somebody does something like that, I know you're not fucking around. Anyway you put it, I love you guys.

Don't forget Thursday, Friday, Saturday, the Ontario Impra. If you don't want to pay 100 for fucking Mayweather McGregor, come on down, bitches. Lee Syed, I want to thank you for being the co-host of the year, cuckers. Stay black. I'll see you motherfuckers on Wednesday. I got a surprise guest tomorrow night. You'll get it on Wednesday. Stay black.

Thank you.