The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #510 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 23, 2017

Bert Kreischer, Comedian and Host of the "Bertcast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Meundies.com - Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first pair and free shipping.   LendingTree - Find out how much you can save TODAY at LendingTree.com/CHURCH Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 08/22/2017.

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Oh shit. I want to see nothing but assholes and elbows. It's a church of what's happening now. Wednesday. Asholes and elbows. August 23rd. 2017, get your shit together. Sounds like a guy fighting his way out of a prison rape.

We ain't fucking around here. Elbows and assholes. Kick that milk, Lee. Oh, yeah. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Again, you filthy animal. Oh There's one

Black people With black people You understand Listen to that music Anything can happen Church of what's happening Now you bad motherfuckers Bert Chrys

My favorite Christ killer Lisa yeah That's gonna be a good one Motherfuckers Ready? Here you go Put your head down Here we go

Here we go Oh Oh, I, give it to me. Oh, I open that little bat. So, Churchill, what's happened now? How bad of a jam is that? That's fucking amazing. You know what's crazy?

She didn't do it anymore live after she became a born-again Christian. Oh, for real? Yeah. Because people start fucking in the audience, right? You hear that song? You're like, wait a second. I just got to suck my dick. How about you with the Yankee hat on?

Yeah, about you with the Yankee hat on? Burke Christ is here this evening. It's a late podcast, but that's how we do it. We got to put the girls to sleep. I had to take the girls swimming. Today she got promoted to the higher class. She was jumping. Oh, really?

You know, she sits in there for 30 minutes, and it's like a constant smile. And every 10 minutes she looks over to watch, if you're watching them, and you have to give them a heads up. Yeah. And they go fucking bananas. She got out, where did I take them to eat?

And I took them to, they wanted to go to fucking Jersey mice. Yeah. She kept saying she wanted to go to the salami restaurant, which made me think, what the fuck? Who's giving out dick? Who's giving out stinky fucking Italian dick around here? So we went in there. You know, it's a real pleasure to, especially where I came from. You came from a tight-knit family to be doing the little things I do. We go home, we fucking go on the computer.

I make a type in smurfs and fucking trolls and spell for me. We sit there and then after 15 minutes, looked me straight in the face. She goes, Daddy, can you leave now? You're like, okay, thanks for throwing me out of my fucking office. And that's it. That's my nights. You're just dressed for 15 minutes.

She goes, you know what I'm going to take a fucking hike? Yeah. And I bet you go through the same thing at a different level in your home. Today, I said to me, I said I was working and she said, she pulled me aside in the room and goes, hey, could you not work so much? And I said, no. She goes, no, I mean, like, is there a way for you to, like, work one less day a week? She's because you're working every night, and I feel like I don't get to do things with you. I was like, I know, but that's kind of my job happens at night.

And I try to do stuff during the day. I worked all day to day, too, and all night. And then I said, okay. I said, don't worry. I'm doing Joey's podcast tonight, but I'm not going to get picked up until nine. That's your bedtime. So we watch Breck it Ralph. And I said to her at 8.30, I said, and now Joey may come at, like,

845 so just so you know I may have to leave early and I just kind of rolled her eyes got real frustrated and then I and then you called and you called right when the movie ended I said Joey's outside and I like goes you held your promise I was like yeah of course I didn't I would have left at 845

but she she talked about on my podcast I was doing the intro to my podcast this afternoon and she walked in the man came and started talking about on the podcast but yeah that fucking sucks that they grow up man I say I I wish I had listened to you guys earlier.

I think it was a mistake doing travel channel as long as I did. I needed to do it because I needed the money and I enjoyed the experience. I had a great time, but I was gone for such long chunks that I really missed out on a lot of shit. You know what I mean? And then in the weeks I had off, I do stand up. And it was just burning it at both ends. I had a dad who worked at night. And yeah, he wasn't there as much.

But, I mean, college for me was 50 grand a year when it's going to be. when your kids go to school, it's going to be $100 grand a year. Yeah. So, like, you'll need that. Like, it's, I don't know. You've become a comedian. For some of us, you know, I mean, one thing about me is I got a job three months into comedy that paid me $200 a month doing comedy. Yeah.

Which not a lot of people have. No. I got $25 a night. Yeah, that's when I first started. Yeah. So it's like, now, if I did one show a week, that's what I got paid for. You don't leave from 1990. and I got no reason to bullshit to 2001.

It was basically hand to mount. Yeah. Like we were talking about taxes. I didn't pay taxes from 91 to 2003. When I went to the IRS, they said, listen, we only go back seven years. You only go back seven years. And I laughed and I said, I'm going to stand. We started getting into the conversation.

And I go, I'm a stand a committee that started in 91. Yeah. I go, I didn't make a dime. I was making, I could have collected food stamps. It was like $8,000 a year when I lived in Seattle. I lost money when I first started. Yeah, I did the math. It was like $8,600 that one year, 95 I made.

But, you know, you look at the years that you starve for, and then life starts becoming life. But then life throws a little curveball out of you. It gets your hot-ass girlfriend. And you're living in Illinois and you're doing comedy spots at the store. When next to, you know, Judd-Appletto calls you, and you do two episodes of crashing, now you're selling tickets.

Let me ask you something. And let me ask the people at all, you know. You have this family, but at the same time, you have this job that's Thursday through Saturday. You're going to start small. You're not going to start at $25 a night. And also, the more you go out,

the more you build an audience, and the more money you make. It's a no-brainer. But it's just like anything else in life, Bert. not everybody is the same my first love of this comedy game was Richard Pryor my second love was Andrew Dice Clay

and then Bill Hicks and then Kennison but in there was a guy by the name of Joe Rogan and I really learned a lot from him and he was the luck he's the luckiest man in the world because he creates his own opportunities he got on news radio and news radio ended when the guy got shot basically

Then he had like a year off. He already had that notoriety. I still remember he told me once what they were paying him on the road when he was on news radio. There was nothing. Really? And then one time they offered him Carolines like three days before, and he got a first class ticket that was $100 more than what they were paying him. He told me the story. Like they weren't paying him dick on the road.

Really? Yeah. After news radio, then when Fear Factor came, he got busy. but all this shit happened and it was like he was burning the candle at both ends but I noticed that Fear Factor was paying him which gave him a big advantage over a lot

of other comics that they don't necessarily need to go out when you buy a $3 million house because you're making 20 grand for two years and all of a sudden your show gets canceled and your crowds go to half guess what? You're in a fucking

per dirkiment. Yeah. That means you got to go out. 50 weeks a year to keep the fucking lights on. And you put your kid in Campbell Hall. That's another 34, which is starting to crack me up. I couldn't wait to have you on the podcast to talk about, like, the school that your daughter goes to, or both of them, and the one mine's going to go to, supposedly,

I even went and looked it up. It's a high-rated fucking school in the Valley. Number one school in the Valley. But you'll talk to people, and when you ask them where your kid's going to go, they'll tell you how they go to a private school and then when you tell them you're going to go to that school

they roll their fucking eyes at you I've had this ten times the last two weeks I even had a kid that was selling lemonade on the corner I went with my daughter I see this poor kid with a mother 90 degree he'd selling fucking lemonade I run home I see you I go come on the girls

let's take a walk you know studio studies are a nice fucking place like a little walk we get to the corner the girl's five You know, right away she starts torture Mercy. You know, you're four, I'm five. You're still a baby.

And Mercy's like, fuck you, you bitch. Just give me some lemonade. Dad, can I fish on her? The little fat girl wanted a dollar for the fucking glass of this lemonade. So the little girl asked Mercy, are you in school yet? And Mercy goes, yeah, you know, I go to that. Mercy doesn't know what the fuck's going on. The girl's torturing it.

Yeah. She goes, when I got at his school, and my wife asked them on, and well don't you live close to it? She goes, yeah, right down the block. She goes, why wouldn't you go to this grammar school? And the little girl goes, yuck. Like, I got it. This is going to, I don't mean, my daughter,

and my fucking wife looked at the little girl. And the mother finally goes, don't say that. Like, where'd she hear that from? Yeah? She heard it from you, you stanky fuck. So as we're walking back, that's why she's my blood and my daughter. And that's why I go on the road

and do this shit. I don't want to do. She looked at me and she was daddy. She was mean. And I didn't like her lemonade anyway. She just threw it up in your fucking end. You know what? That's why I fucking stay at home two weeks of fucking.

That's when you go and get her pony. Listen, man. Fucking what's his name was here three weeks ago? Who? This guy goes out on the road every week and he's 60. I'm embarrassed. Who? Run white.

I'm embarrassed. But at the same time, he has no children. He's got a son. He's got somebody's an older. I think his son works for him. And I think he just got divorced. Yeah, he just got divorced. So if I was him, I'd live on the road.

I'd live on the road. When you have nobody at home, listen, do you have many times on a Friday, I'm sitting on my couch and I go, I could have been on the road this weekend. Yeah. You know, my wife just informed me that she's going to a fucking women's party

with the kid tomorrow around the corner and Sunday they got church. I'm not even going to fucking see him anyway. I got a spot here. What the fuck do I stay home for? Yeah. If my wife's on her period, I'm definitely on the road.

Oh, those are the dates you picked the going on the road? I'm on her cycle. Yeah, yeah, you always did. I said, keep me in town for the girls' birthdays. Halloween. Mother's Day. Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm going to work New Year's Eve.

And then every time you have a period, your period, I went on the road. And now my daughter's cycle, Georgia, I shouldn't say that out loud, but I guess Georgia is a woman now. I don't want to hear this shit. And her cycle is the same as Leanne cycle, because I guess that's what happens. So all their cycles team up. So now I'm out when both of them are just both bitches fuck. That's a good idea.

I used to get coked up with this girl. And she let me eat a little monkey. Wack off on the tetties and shit like that. Whenever I was in the mood for anybody, but he was on tremendous ear beating the other day from her. Yeah. And then she played a car like, why should she let you eat a pussy for an hour?

But you kept snort and coke and yeah, whatever. Yeah. And next thing you know, you'll eat a little monkey and shit. I knew her cycle. So on those nights when she called me drunk, I can go, where are you? I'll be there and I don't. Fuck you.

I can't, you know what I'm saying? I do her cycle. Yeah. If I can't eat your monkey, I'm not wasting a gram on you to take that of your beating without a thick sucking. How do you keep that information in your head? I just love that you chose. I just knew from the 22nd to the 27 she's bleeding.

From the 22nd to the 27, she's bleeding. There's no reason to go over there, not even to say hello. I had a chick to see why she was on her period once. That's disgusting. She didn't tell me. We were too young. We were like 17. and I guess she had her period

but she didn't you know it's like now my wife would just be like hey I'm on my period you can't do that but I guess it's 17 that's something you just go I won't say that to anybody

I'll just hope I hope it's not that bad I was coked up one night Miami and I hooked up with this girl and that she told me from the beginning so I knew I was a dead man but after a fucking few grams of coke I said take that little bat out and show it to me

and she goes I have my period I didn't really shave it she took her off her panties it looked like fucking Julius Irving it had so much hair I cut through that fucking thing I took that tampon I pushed it to the side that little fuse

Yeah and I just looked that clip For about 10 minutes until I came in my pants And I just went to sleep That's the only time I ever messed around With a girl at that time of the month So what did you do? Close your eyes You passed out with blood I just listened I was on fucking two eight balls of coke

You could stab me with 22 needles It wouldn't matter at that time I was like Whitney Houston at the time her death numb. That's what Whitney died of. She was so numb. She went in the bathtub and she didn't feel the temperature of water. What?

That's a true story. Watch fucking autopsy. A lot of people. She didn't die from, she died from cocaine, but in a different way. Was it too hot? The water was too hot. She boiled herself? Something weird happened to her.

Oh! The thing, and she slipped and hit her head, something weird. There's a thing that happens. when you get into a really hot bathtub it rises your blood pressure. I read a book about this when I was a kid about a, if they, I don't know, fuck, I forget how it goes.

But they were making baths, they were giving these people this medication that raised their blood pressure and then giving them, as soon as they got to a hot bath, they'd just die. Because, I don't know. I don't know.

It's the same reason they see on hot tubs, people with heart problems shouldn't get into this hot tub. If you've been drinking, don't get in this hot tub. It's because your blood pressure's up. I can't go into hot tub because I always get Sties I don't know I have bad luck with hot tubs

Styes? Yeah Well first off Who goes into a hot tub It's 2000 fucking 18 I love If you're going into a hot tub You better flow

And what do I listen to Jimmy Buffett Records and drink tequila I would love to have a hot tub What the fuck? You're going to do a fucking hot tub Like a fucking monkey Anything get a steamer A spitz you know

I want to get one of those Outdoor Sondas Yeah Little Circle wood things I would love one of those. With all the fucking diseases and all the fucking... That is crazy when you think about all the fucking diseases that are in a hotel pool and then people just get in the hot tub that's stew of just...

You know, there's come in there. You know, every kid pisses in there. Nobody takes a shower. You got to assume for some... Listen, for some Americans, a pool jump is a shower. Yeah. There's some people who think by jumping in the pool, they get out and clean. They don't swipe their ass.

Yeah. They don't scrub the nuts. the same way dead skin develops around your face and you gotta get it off of the lufa? What do you think develops around your skin? When you get a, you watch a 600-pound life when you become one of those fat fucks and you stop bathing?

My daughter's and I are obsessed with my 600-pound life. Is that the best show on television? Obsessed. The best show on television. I watch four episodes. The two brothers that hated each other, those two morons. And the one brother that went,

the one kid that was on pills, the kid finally said to him, you know, the next time, you fake pain and go to an emergency room and get a prescription, they're going to charge you with a felony because you've already exceeded the amount of lifetime prescriptions the person could get in Texas. Really?

You know, when you're a fat fuck, I think that that show does something to you. You have to watch it and go, I don't want to be that person. But those people, who that happens to, it's a toss-up. I sit there and watch it and I listen to their words and I watch their environment and I think what happens

like the fat dude was on pills you know what makes a person go you know what I lost my job and part of it could be the beginnings of depression but now the depression is worn off and there you are 800 fucking pounds later yeah it was a weird thing about the show

Like, there's a lot of people who wind on it, like, who, like, pretend like, they're trying to lose weight. There was a couple, like, women on the first, because I haven't had cable for a couple years. So the first few seasons, there were some women who just, like, were just lie. And they had cameras in their faces. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody.

Nobody is going to. Oh, yeah. Everyone lies about what, I mean. It's, no, it's a sickness. Absolutely. One kid that was eaten, how many pizza pies, they get up in New Hampshire? the brothers that was the one kid. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He would call his father from Houston to order Domino's for him in Houston, and the dad was in New Hampshire. Yeah. He was ordered, was he not eating eight pizzas a day? It's, you know, I, I don't, I deal with, I think my real addiction in life is food, meaning like, like tonight when I go home, it's going to be really, it's a real battle for me to just go lay in the bed

and go to sleep and I want to eat something when I get home. Like, and I've been there where you just go, fuck it. And then you just start eating and you just can't stop. You're like, I'm already you know. And I've been, and I've been, the biggest I was 265, and when I was at 265, part of you's just like, I can't turn this boat around. We're sailing so fast in this direction. I don't know how to turn this boat around. And then

finally, when you start getting momentum, you're like, oh, there we go. It's like, it's like, I don't know, man, I empathize with those people. I empathize with those people because I go, I feel like I've been there. I've been there. I've been there. I was on my way.

I would have been, absolutely. You were huge. Yeah. And I'm, I've gained like 15, 20 pounds back. I was, I was 315. I got down to 227 and I'm 245, 247 right now.

But I'm the longest yard for a second, the fucking, when we all jump in the lakes. I forget you were bigger than this. Watch. Like, I forget you were big. Like, whenever this is on, like you scroll down

and there's a scene that it says the longest yard comedy central yeah if it's at like the hour mark I'll put it on just to watch that scene and it makes me feel like the 600 pound man I forget I forget you were big and I forget Sugguro was big

you gotta watch this scene like Sigurro still looks fat to me when I see it on Friday he looks tremendous he's a fucking asshole yeah he looks really good he looks really good he really worked

him and Rogan are like Like birth gained all the way back. Dude, I'm still 222. I was 217. I was 217 and then I went back up to 22 the other day. But, uh, but yeah, I'm still 220. I'm that's why I float at 220 up and down. And so, uh, but I'd like to get, I don't know if I want to get like, I don't know if I want to do my next special at 205 where I look like, what are you at right now?

Right now 220, probably 220, 22nd, 22. Yeah, flooded practice field. If you want. Where are you? right now? Today, probably three. Yeah? Really? You don't look like, you're 300 pounds. Go all the way to the end.

Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. You can click it there. You guys are going to see something that's really fucking absurd. Every time I see this, I go, oh my God, ah shit. I'll take it out. I go to the other one. Hey, when you, was Chris Rock fun to work with? Yeah, everybody in that movie was

Did he hang out or was he Go to that one. What's saying? Those guys came and went. That's Chris Rock. Like, he would come and shoot three scenes and then

leave for a week. You can't blame someone like that. He's got kids. He's keeping a marriage together. But I do, if I was that guy, I'd be hanging out a lot. Who, Chris Rock?

Yeah, I'd be on set fucking around. My favorite things are being on set. Well, he came with his family. You know, we shot long days. And was that Goldberg? Yeah, some of the guys hung out. And some of them did, you know, look at that.

That's you? Look at that. Just look at that. See if they have another scene. That's you? Yeah. How much were you weighing there? At that point, I was,

click it to see the third one. They have another one to see them. Look at that. Look at my stomach. I just saw your face. Your face doesn't even look like you. No. It was, keep going, keep going. So, wait, how big, how big were you? Have you ever seen the rain scene?

Go up, go up, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Right there. Go up, right there. How big were you? At that point right there, I was 380. So you weren't even at your highest? No, I walked on that set, maybe three, 60. As soon as I hit New Mexico, I probably gained 15 fucking pounds right off the bat.

When I got home from New Mexico, I went to the doctor because they kept busting my balls about blood pressure. What was your blood pressure at the time? Look at that. And I was at, I think, you know how the scale goes all the way to 350? Yeah. He kept pushing it, and he finally said to me, It ends at 350. But when it's here, you're probably at 390 right now. Wow. So that was like, watch this now. You ready?

If they keep this fucking scene, then. Who's that guy? Look at that. Oh, my God. Wait, go back and just freeze it on that one spot, can you? Yeah. That doesn't even look like you, Joey. Now, what you don't see is my hands are up.

Yeah. That's as high as my hands could probably go then. That's number one, number two, that my stomach was as extended as my chest at the time. Yeah. Like, I had so much fat over here, like, that had developed right here. Really? Like, when I felt this bone, I went to the doctor immediately.

I'm like, I got cancer. And he goes, no, you don't. That's your fucking, like, he goes, what do you mean you never felt? I haven't felt this in years. Yeah. That's because all that fat, I had built out a bunch of fat under my, ribs my tits and my fucking stomach will one dude my chest and my stomach will one i do you know my there's pictures of me if you go online you can find them there there's pictures of me just type in

fat bert and man when i was 265 and that's not but it's not it's not far off man that i was i was i didn't even know i was fat i really did i thought i was like no man i got a big i got a barrel chest I wasn't weighing myself That's the key That's the key If you weigh yourself If you weigh yourself every day Then you're held accountable

And you find out You really find out shit What did I drink last night Oh I ate this I ate that yeah No you're fit there No yeah yeah yeah

Go I'll show you That's nothing That's nothing That's nothing Type in fat bert Preston and Steve Okay scroll down I'll show you down

Scroll down Scroll down You'll see it Me and a Speedo In a jean short speedo Oh Jesus right there to the right yeah

look at that what were you there 265 drinking fireball and drink and and jack at 6 in the morning at Preston and Steve yeah but you know it was M. Light Shyamalan was there

and it was a fun time I had a good time I can't lie to you now when you go to those radio shows in the morning you get Hammond in the morning you go home and sleep at all yeah I don't get so I don't get like You know, not to... It's like me eating four or five stars. Right.

You get a little buzz, but... I get buzzed, and then I go to bed, and I wake up, and I get on the treadmill, and I'll walk, or I'll just go right through the club, wake up right before the show, go to the club. But it's not getting like... Like, if my wife did it, she wouldn't be able to function, but I can do it very easily. I will say that I am healthier. Like, I definitely feel better in the weekend when that doesn't happen. Like, when you go on and do radio and there's no booze, and they're like, no, no, like, like,

like, I'm talking, I forget where I was just at, but there was no booze. And I was like, oh, okay, that's fine. I don't mind, I don't mind not drinking. But if they're going to have a cocktail, I'll have a fucking cocktail, you know? So it's the same way of like someone that a joint. You're not going to say no. You'd be like, I'll take a hit, you know. But those radio shows, some of them get out of control.

Some of, like those calling sick to work tours I do, those are insane, man. I've been on stage where I've been blacked out and not been able to function. And then you go home, how long do you need to sleep? to be back that day. You want to know what happened? So I was in Tampa and I do a Consect Works where I go to Calhade show. Mike Calta, I do his show

and we start drinking on air and I start drinking Manhattan's and I'm not even... Oh my God, at what time? It's like 7 in the morning. Shows at 10, or shows at noon, but we get done at 10 and we drink all

morning and I don't feel it. I'm really not feeling it. And then I get to the club. I'm a little buzzed, but it's sold out. they've already drank the club at a beer the fans drank everyone out of beer there's no beer left all they're making is mixed drinks so that means just everyone's already fucking hammered now they're gonna get more hammered because they can't get any but mixed drinks so I get on stage and they start sending fireballs like crazy like like but maybe I maybe I did I don't even know how many I did all I know is I blacked out I did a

meet and greet don't remember any of the meet and greet there are pictures of me with my eyes just like this like huh my dad picks me up and my parents had built a new house that I'd never been to. So I remember my old house. My dad picks me up, takes me to my new house, his new house that he's living in with my mom. I pass out in a guest room. I wake up. My dad's not there.

And I have no fucking idea where I am. I get up. I'm like, okay, I don't know what state I'm in. I don't know. Like, I'm trying to, you know how you wake up some mornings. You're like, wait, where the fuck am I? I'm like, am I in Tampa? I'm like, fuck, I'm literally panicking.

Looking around this house, I don't recognize anything. I've never been to this house. And then my dad walks in, I go, what are you doing here? And he's like, oh, boy, buddy, you were in a rough mode when I picked you up. I was like, I didn't know who the fuck's house I was at. But yeah, those calling sick to work shows get out of control. Now, how many hours do you have to sleep to wake up and be tipped out of my goo? Four.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Four, like, see, like, when you come in here and you watch us eating at the booze. That blows me away. And you're blown away. I'm blown away. That does nothing. Like what you professional do,

and I got to tell you something, I grew up in a bar. Yeah. I grew up around people who drink, you know. I know who's faking the funk to be cool, and I know who's really rock and around. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? And a lot of comedians that fake the funk to be cool. Like, yeah, I just, I've been drinking all the time. Yeah. That's great. I'll tell you little fucking buddies at the improv that and impress them.

But I know motherfuckers who really, and you're one of those guys, and I've always admired that, number one, I'm a child of the 70s. What did you see on TV in the 70s? When I was on Rogan's theater that way, I showed them the beginning of the original

longest yard. Everybody in the cell, that was great. Everybody in the house in the 70s, everybody, every TV show at one point of a knock on the door, open it up, come in, and Bert would get up, and there wasn't like, would you like a drink or what you're drinking? You turned around, and there was a glass thing that was brown.

It could be anything, wild turkey, burb, it could be anything, and they poured two and they gave you one, and a gentleman drank it. What is this? It's gin, well, I'm an antibiotics right now. No, nobody was on antibiotics. And if you did, you were too embarrassed to tell some, Just give me the fucking whiskey and drink it. You know, I tried that bird.

I desperately tried to fit in as a drinker early on. And it was like I would puke. I would pass out. But I'm the same way that you are with booze with weed because I don't mind smoking a little weed. Like I can, I have a, only because I'm running a lot, I hit out of this Pax vaporizer. And it just, in my opinion,

I don't feel it in my lungs the next day. I like the packs, but I like the one that you put weed in. That's this one. No, because you said it's got a point. I got two. I got one to travel with. Right. And I got this one.

That's the best thing going. Oven. And for me, jogging wise, it doesn't fuck with my lungs. That's the best one going. Because when I hit like a, this sounds so silly, but like if I hit a joint with paper, I can feel it the next day when I run. Listen. That's a very LA statement. No.

No, it's no. I need this weed for my jogging. Why the fuck do you think I smoke out of a bomb? Action Bronson was in the other day. That kid could smoke hours. You had Action Bronson on? Yeah, he could smoke for fucking days. Dude, his first album was fucking great.

I just listened to this shit. It's great. There's the song, you guys don't play music on here? Yeah, we do it. This is the song that I fucking, I've just, I, man, I'm really impressed with that kid. Yeah, me too. I say Kig only because I'm so much older than him. But, uh, Action Bronson, the Dr. Lecter album, is it, uh, is it, uh,

Swade. Have you heard that? I don't know. I don't think so. Is it this one? Exhale the fucking essence. I love this. I just like this beat.

Dude, every fucking rhyme he's got I like. This is one that first turned me on to him. Rosalino. Fuck that sitting down rap type shit, man. I stand up because I'm a motherfucking man. I just love the, I love the Cain and something.

Love it. I love it. I'm on the third floor. Your class was in the basement. You know what that means. You got a hint of retardation. Well, me too. I put him to leave on just like the flow, though.

Smith the silky shit that's ankle lanes like a kimono. A sharpish or Mr. Rock like a fast. I love, dude. I love Action Bronson. You know what? Man, I didn't know who he was. Oh, he's great, man. That's so great.

From the Rogan podcast. Oh, you guys got a must have been fucking hammered. He's not telling me to bring him on. He came on. Dog, he didn't stop rolling joints. He smokes constantly. If you can get cancer from marijuana, he'll be the test. He'll be the first guy.

It's hysterical. I could go bong to bong. I mean, I could smoke bungs all fucking night. Yeah, he smokes dab. He's a big dab guy. Yeah, I can't do it. That's it. I'm done with all that shit.

Why don't you do dabs? Because I don't want to blow torch a fucking house. I listen. Yeah, because I guess if you got that blow torch going and you're doing a dab and you pass out, listen, you light a fucking house on fire. It's a joke. It's a fucking joke. I grew up in the fucking 80s. People were having a great time.

People going out and going burnt. You want to go out. It's got a grandma blow. People are having a great time. And then one day, I just graduated high school. And this dude, Steve Vatelanis comes up to me, calls me. And he goes, hey, man, I hear you got some good coke. I want to hook you up with this dude.

I go, all right, we got, my boy Timmy's listening to this. He's dying. He gets in the car with me and Timmy's brother, Roger, and we go down to this hotel in Tunley Avenue. Tunley Avenue was like, we're fucking crack people hanging out. There was no crack at that time, really. It was 19. It was summer of 82.

We pulled into this nasty hotel. He introduced this black dude with a pimp, cool as shit. And, you know, I give him the Coke. I sell it to him, he gives me the cash. He tasted. He goes, it's tremendous. He didn't say it was tremendous. He says, good stuff.

and he goes, you guys have to smoke it, and I'm like, no. And he's right there in front of us. It was two in the afternoon. Yeah. He cooked it up. You know, in those days, you had like the vial. You see that tube right there?

Yeah. You'd had one of those, was a little thicker. You fill it, you fill half of it water, and you put half a gram of Coke in there and two points of baking soda. And you'd shake it up, shake it up, shake it up, shaking it up, put some heat to it, and also on some of it. cut with burnout, and you get a little rock.

You had to get a fucking silk handkerchief or pay your father's fucking silk socks and lean it and then put the rock on top of there. And then you had to weigh five minutes at the harden, and then I had to take the rock, cut it up, and we'd sit there and put it into a pipe and we'd start the process all over again, shake. And it was cool for the afternoon.

Yeah. But we smoked the whole labor in 10 fucking minutes, and then I went home. But it was interesting to me, but already there was a, a head shop in my own unit in New Jersey. I forget what it's called. Somebody will hit me up in two

minutes on Twitter and tell me, East West. And they had a fucking starter crack kit. What? Starter, really? Freebase. They called it, remember, when it came up the scene, it was not cracked, it was free base. And you went down there and for 50 bucks, which was a lot

of money. I remember paying 50 and going, I could just get a half a gram of Coke. Why am I doing this? At that time, I got Coke from a guy named Camel Breath. Because he smoked camel cigarettes all the time without filters. And his cigarette, his mustache is orange, and his fingers are orange. And do you know that until today, he still won't friend me on Facebook? He's still alive?

Oh, he's still alive, Camel Breath. He's still smoking? I don't think so. He had to quit. He's about 70. He's got to be 70-something. Oh, my God. Camel Breath.

I totally thought he was middle of his dirt. We used to get coke. No, we used to get coke from him, and he used to sell us coke in a vial already. Whenever you got coke from the camel, if he bought an eight ball, instead of giving you... Coach of the camel.

Instead of giving you three and a half, he'd just give you four tubes and called even. So I went over there, like 12 eight balls one night, and I collected it. It was 60 apiece he was given to me for. I would sell him for a hundred. He was doing me a favor of these days. In 82, if I was selling for 80s,

I was still making 20 bucks. So I went over that boat like a fucking ton of those things. And I went to my buddy's house where you opened up that fucking kit. And me, him and another one of us, just started fucking doing that, kicking it up. And I never forget waking up on his couch the next morning. There was three of us. Everybody was sleeping. I looked at the table.

And every single Coke bottle that I had was turned upside down, like in order. Yeah. Like bullets. And I'm like, oh, my God, we smoked all that shit. shit last night. At the end of the day, just wasn't worth it. How do you pass out when you do that much? We were doing quailudes.

Oh, is that what you did it come down? Yeah, we were fucking. Whatever you hung out with my man. See, that's my thing that I won't do is if I, I feel like if I have a, if I have a heart, like I had a real rough week party in New York.

I might have done drugs. I'm not certain. I was pretty blacked out one night. And I don't, I don't ever black out, but I was definitely blacked out. and I saw someone else do drugs and he doesn't do drugs at all at all I saw two people do drugs that don't do drugs and I went

I just remember giggling at it and then I woke up and I was like I think I fucking did drugs last night and I was shaky like shaky and then I went in I did Jim and Sam and I had a big cup of coffee and then me and Sam went to go see Planet of the Apes the new one and I went home

and I was like fuck man I can't operate but I won't take a Xana to chill out and just go to bed because I feel like, hey man, if you're gonna dig these graves, you gotta live in them. Like, you know what I mean? Does that make sense?

You know, no, no, no, I admire. You gotta pay the Piper. You can't fucking, I'm punitive about that. Like, this morning I woke up, I did a podcast with, you know, Adam Ray and Brad Williams, and we got pretty fucking lit. Adam Ray smoked,

Adam, and Ray smoked two joints just by himself, just by himself. I told him, you and Adam, you and Adam would get down, I think, both home, like, he's a big, we guy but we stayed up until like midnight i go to sleep at like two i wake up at seven i have a call back for a voiceover and i go i'm punitive i go no man you're not allowed to be that party guy and not work out so i get on the treadmill and i run two really hard miles i walked one

intermittently and then ran two really hard miles now i was like fuck it here we go and then i got to sweating. I get in the shower. I keep, I get in real hot shower, so I keep sweating. I get out of the shower. I let my self keep sweating to get all the impurities out. And then I rolled into the voiceover and I felt really good. I felt fantastic. Girl said, how are you doing today? I said, probably the best I've been in a while. I love that feeling. Got in the new car, drove the new car. Oh, it was a fucking great morning. And then I went down to all things comedy, shot some promos, came home, had dinner. I'm here. But I didn't feel so good this morning. You just got to punish

yourself. Don't be, don't go American with it. Punish yourself. Don't say, I'm going to tap out and take a Xanax. Say, I'm getting on the treadmill. I'm going to do kettlebells or I'm going to go to Jiu-Jitsu. I'm going to do, you said it today. I'm smoked all that, all that joint. I'm doing two sessions of J-Jitsu to the moment.

If you're not punitive, I don't think you succeed. When I was about 14, I started getting popular, you know. My freshman year, I started fucking around and seeing other people. First, I just stood in my neighbor. Remember, my hometown is really

big. There's seven grammar schools. I kept in my own grammar school, but after a while, you stretch out into other territories and kids. That was the fun time. Those are the fun times. And I hung out with these kids that had older brothers, and their older brothers were

the shit. So whenever they had parties, it brought me a pass to go into those parties. So it's probably my freshman year, like April. It's not hot yet, but it's not cold yet. They lived

maybe three quarters of a mile from my house. And the beat about this family, when my mother died, they asked me if I'm going to live with them. And I really didn't know them that well, and I thanked them, but they had a shed. And the one that was my age, we would get together five nights

a week in the shed. No heat. Yeah. No heat. New Jersey. November, you come old. We smoke 25 joints, but they ain't no A lot of nights we spent out there. But it was one of those nights and he called me up and he goes, my brother's having one of his fucking crazy parties.

It's only going to be me, you, and Conti that are invited from our age group. Don't say nothing. They just don't want no younger kids there. You know, and I went, expect them to get abused a little bit. That's what you do when you're a sophomore and you're in a room with seniors.

Yeah. Especially after they won the state championship in football and they're all fucking yoked and, you know. So I go down there, As a matter of fact, that wasn't what it was. They were very nice to me. But these guys weren't drugies. They were fucking crazy white boozes.

So what they did was they would do things. Nobody else did at parties. And that's why I loved about them. Like this particular party, they just went shopping and bought every fucking flavor of booze they can. And they took a garbage can. And they put a baggie in it, and they just filled it up with fucking booze.

ice cubes and fruit. It made a hunch punch. It tasted like garbage. But they also went and killed the 100 bees and threw them in the punch. What? To flavor the food. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everything with these guys was pure savagery. One time they had a Christmas party and I walked in and there was a table and they were breaking glass on the table and they were eating glass at a party. They were fucking nuts. They were nuts and that's why I liked them. They did see.

They killed 100. Oh, they went hunting for bees and sprinkled and cut their heads off or cut the stings off and threw them all on this fucking... So you didn't know what the fuck you were drinking in there. They threw mesk in there. You know, but you didn't know till you get there. I'm fucking 14. You know, like I said, I'm a pot smoker. At that time, I did a little mescaline.

Oh, my God. I had done angel dust maybe once or twice. I'm not a professional. I love that they killed 100 bees. They went bee hunting. I don't even know where you find bees. Me neither. And alive.

Yeah, but then how do you get them to be dead? They went, they killed them, and then they cut their fucking stingers off. And they threw them into this punch. And me, stinky, and a villo, go to this party. And I don't know nothing about none. They're pouring it with a ladle into your glass. And there's one guy that would come up to you.

There's one guy that would come up to you and just punch in the chest every time. Baboomin. Let me see that fucking glass. It's an empty. I mean, he would just cave your chest. Do you know that in this? story, I see a punched up version of your

album cover. Do you ever see Joe, you know, Joey's album cover of, like, all I see is like a little bit bigger version of that kid. So, here you go. That kid, that is my favorite picture, you, Joey. Oh, that kid. Can you pull that up real quick so I can see it? Savage Dad? No, no.

The picture of me. Oh, the documentary. Splack those hams, what did your mom say? Splact those... Dalli Hamon. Dali Hamon. When there's a part of you that I don't think everyone knows about me, but before I even met you, I was on the

road doing travel channel, and I'd become a fan of Rogan's podcast, and I knew Tommy, I knew Ari a little bit, and I kind of knew Red Band, and I didn't know you at all, but you guys were my favorite ones to listen to. And so I would put you guys on in the bed next to me, in the bed on my iPad, and I just let it play, because I had anxiety on the road, because I was doing crazy shit and I was like oh it's like my my friends were in the other room and I'm home although even in this sounds so crazy but not to anyone listening because you know what you're saying you know what I'm saying but like even though I wasn't even didn't even know you I still felt like my friends were in the other room I didn't even know Joe at the time but I

still felt like my friends were in the other room I love that fucking picture that is where I get my balls from that is my favorite that is such a great fucking picture I tell you Some guys, let me tell you the fucking story behind this picture. That is such a great picture. My mom came from deck guys. It was nine kids and two parents in a bedroom. And my uncle told me that they used to fucking, look at the bracelet. The bracelet in those days was two of these.

It was two of these. Really? Cut. So you see, it's a double bracelet. But let me tell you the story behind this guys. just to show you, I think I'm Rogan one time I said immigrant mentality and people always make fun of me and shit

my mom grew up in this thing and what my mom told me one time is that since they were so poor they didn't celebrate birthdays and it always bothered my mother but the mother likes it like my grandmother believed in it but my grandfather didn't because they were so poor

and he couldn't give them a gift so he wouldn't celebrate that birthday So my mother always swore That if she ever had a family That kids or daughter's birthday She would lose her fucking mind My mom would work hard all fucking year To wait for this

My mom's big season Was from December 17th To January 7th If I brought you to the bar From December 17th to January 7th If you were 13 or 12 And you came in and acting cute In front of my mom

My mom would give you 50 bucks and say, and so now you like my mom, but that's what the point. The point is, every year she would hire the photographer from the New York City newspaper, the Spanish newspaper,

Diare de la Plenza. And this guy would come to my mother's bar from the age of three that I came from Cuba, and every February 19th, that whole week my mom would take those suits, a tailor-made. Really?

She would tailor-make those, two of them. I'd have a morning party, and a night party. You ready? This is what Burke Grice and would have fell right into my family.

The morning party was children. Children under 12. Children under 18. They came. There was ham. There was bocaditos, little nice sandwiches.

Ham, devil's ham, Cuban style. Oh. White bread. Have you ever had that shit? Yes, fuck, yeah. That's what else I got to show you. Lee, when I show you this,

you might be saying, I was going to go to Boston to visit my mother, but me and Paul, I got to go to Miami. I can't take it no more. Fuck. Listen, bocaditos are like fucking 10 cents apiece.

It's on Wonderbred Lee. It's devil's ham, Cuban style. On Wonderbred. They cut the edges off, Lee. Once you bite into it, you're done. I'm not getting anything until I get a pepperon. That thing. So you see that?

That's ham. There's bocaditos. So here's what gets interesting. I see the happy birthday in the back. This is on the board. Oh, shit. This is the daytime party. My mother's big highlight was in the daytime party, there was a pinata.

And when you pulled the string, it was for kids. And there would be like candies and stuff, but there would also be like $20 bills for the kids. And there was an adult pinata. That's when all the kids went home. And then the parents came. I'd come out with a different suit. The parents, no, my mother was a spick. I would love.

I would love to a part of it. You have no idea. My mother was a spick, spick. You know the spick? Spick is she took it to the, that, that I had that bracelet on by the time I was two. I had a man's bracelet on when I was two for the adult party. She would put little aluminum for us or cocaine in them for the adults and put them in the pinata. And I had 9.30, they pulled the string and all these adults would be on the floor looking for the cocaine and shit.

And she would take me and go go in there, get in there, and mix it up with those, and pick up. all the aluminum falls that you see from mommy. And I remember I knew it was in those foils. I knew it was in those foils. I may believe. I didn't know it was in those foils. I haven't heard the term spick in so long. Oh, yeah, it's in East Coast.

Like that was, that was growing up in high school. That was, and I say this like, and I'm sure there's no one PC listening to this podcast. But like, well, growing up, that's what we call. Like, it was just like a term of endearment. Well, when the spicks came out, you were from where? Tampa. Yeah. So Spicks, all we're all Cuban.

Jesus Christ, we got to deal with these Spicks on the other side of town now. What's the name of the town? I remember they're going, uh, uh, oh, my gosh. Like, I remember going up to a lunch table and go, uh, hey, can you spick scoot over? Spicks was like, it was a great nickname. I'm sure it was offensive to guys that, you know, like a little bit of a very offensive. Spanish people? Very offensive.

You know what stands for? Yes. Well, I thought so. What? Is it just for Spanish people? No, there's spick is very. acronym. Oh, okay. I think I heard it before. Spanish people in our country.

Oh, my God. Spanish people in command, bitch. Jesus Christ. Take to the part of the documentary where Carmine Balzano says it. I love that picture. So, wait, is this a morning party or a night party? That was the morning party. See, the kids in the back. Do you remember that picture at all? Yeah, so listen, my mom would take them and put them in albums. She'd take them. So when I was, the last party she had for me,

was when I was 14. So she had basically 11 albums from this country from those parties. They were wrapped. They were thick. And they went from the beginning, me walking into the bar on the ice February 19th

to all the way to... I could look at it. I could literally... Can I... Can I... Man, you know, Sigur and I were talking about you the other day behind your back

in the best possible way. You were so funny on Rogan and you weren't you weren't trying at all that there's a thing about your personality that that is it's almost like the the top of the mountain when it comes to like guys like me and Segarra who found our voices on podcasting but like you are so in the moment you could tell a story better for the first time than I could tell a story better working on it for four years does that make sense and I'd even say that about you like you telling a story for the first time it has such a genuine energy.

And we were like, God, man, like, thank God a medium like this came up. I'll say this for me. Thank God a medium like this came along for me. Me too. But me and you, me and you and, like, Miss Pat. Like, so people. We would have been dead without this medium right now. Fuck.

We would have been dead. I said to my agent. Or I said to my agent, maybe, or someone. We were talking about social media. They're like, well, you've really blown up on podcasting. And I said, Yeah, but I think podcasting from, and I use me and you interchangeably, only because I think it's done really good things for our careers.

But I go, I know 10 people. It's done great things. Yeah. I can hit 10 people who are doing tremendously different, who started podcasting, took them a while to get it going. Yeah. And once you pick up the momentum and it's just being honest, being consistent. Phonians get faded out of podcasting very quickly.

Very quickly. and they'll keep fading up. You'll see them. They were in the first run of Rogan when Rogan was like, let's have this guy on. And then he's just like, I'll never have that guy on again. It's tough talking to a guy doesn't know who he is. Like, I'm not, look, now I'm starting to get buzzed.

But like, I'm not talking shit, but I'm just saying like, you'll see the guys that don't do podcasts, their acts are a little bit like inflated. It's not really who they are. They're not all true, you know. But the guys of podcast is just people who would have had a hard time being phony in Hollywood but can be very genuine

in those moments. And I was saying to someone I was saying, you know, Twitter blew up a, there was a guy, I forget his name, I'm Rob Delaney. Right.

It was a guy that blew up on Twitter. It was because Rob Delaney is a great writer. He's a really smart guy. He's got his shit together. And in 160 characters, he can write the best joke you're going to see in a while. Jenny High Five Johnson,

Kelly Oxford. All these people were really smart, really great at like, conciseness of words. And then podcasting showed up and guys like me and you were like, I mean, to this day, the hardest I've ever laughed on a podcast ever

was when you, when me, you, Steve Renazizi, Rogan, we're all sitting at that table and in the Ice House Chronicles and you're like,

dog, you ever break into a house as a chick's house on a quelludeeater pussy? And, you know, that doesn't work on Twitter. But the way you did it,

then all the sudden you go oh this is my new best friend this is the person I want to be around a lot when you said blue cheese over ranch or go fuck your mother like those things they don't fit on

that doesn't make sense on Twitter where you can take things out of context but in a world where you like to be in context like I like being in context and that's where it's like when I said Spick earlier if you take that out of context I sound like a really horrible person

but but I'm not a bad person I'm telling you a story about my life about interacting with all Cuban kids growing up and the word spick being interchangeable for buddy or that guy or you know so I'm sure you threw those spicks off the table they were your buddies

you know Spicks taught me how to fucking tell a story fuck you sit with a group you sit with a table of Cuban kids and you and you're and now I'm not saying like I'm the white kid like I was under privilege it was a private school but like you sit down with the table of Cuban kids, all their dads have big personalities, all them have big

personalities. There wasn't like, I don't remember one quiet Cuban kid growing up. Ty Rodriguez, I mean, that motherfucker made me laugh harder than anyone's ever made me laugh. When we were in Mr. Mercantate's religion class, Ty Rodriguez sat behind me. And Mr. Mercantate said, when Jesus was at the top of the cross, he called Peter to his feet. He said something to Peter. Do you know what he said to Peter? Mr. Kreischer, what did he say to Peter? Like trying to stump me?

I don't know what he fucking said to Peter. And Ty Rodriguez leaned up behind me in my ear and he goes, he said, I can see your house from here. And I fucking died laughing. But my personality was developed around guys like that. Like, that's, that's, you know. I'm going to tell you something. And I'm going to be as long as I can with you.

They, listen, there's a lot of mediums where people excel. and they excel for different reasons. I believe in one thing. I believe in hard work. Yeah. I believe in dedication, and I believe in commitment. But I also believe in for all the time.

You know, they've been pushing McGregor all week. All week if you watch 218, FX1, FX Sports. The channel number? 618, whatever, spy, whatever. They've been showing main... What's the number for? They have all these different UFC shows, but it's all wrapped up around McGregor,

which I can understand. Like, I tell you what movie they've been playing all week since that thing happened in Charlottesville, a time to kill, with Sandra Bullock, and some network has had it on 24 hours since that day. Yeah. But they showed the first McGregor a Diaz fight, okay? And I'll never forget, I'm no fucking genius.

I was backstage with Joe. I heard Joe talking with fucking Cameron Haynes and a bunch of people. And I'm sitting there going, man, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Hardest thing I've ever, ever done in my life is fucking jihit-to training.

Yeah. And I've done a lot of things. I worked on roofs. I was a fucking, what do you call those people? Carriers, whatever the fucking hard carriers. Brick carriers? I was a hot carrier. That shit's hard. And okay. I started when I was 50. And I thought about doing it for

15 years. And, in a black belt. And I thought about what he had said that one of the things that he didn't even like Jiu-Jitsu Nate. The only reason why he would go is because he knew the guys

would buy him a burrito. Yeah. At the end of the thing. So I'm starting to think I'm going to wait a second. Six, seven hours a day of rolling for 12, 15 years. You know what I'd be doing to people?

Yeah. Do you have any fucking idea? Once I grabbed your wrist, it'd be night night. They would tell you. If Joey Diaz grabs your wrist, just tap. Yeah. Because I pull you down and choke you to fuck out.

And that's what I'm experienced. That's the only reason. I bet the amount of money I did on Diaz in the first fight. Yeah. Because I believe in experience. When this podcasting game came in, I was up the corner peeing in a bottle. At Ford dealership? Yeah.

I went in a peeing in a bottle for looking for a job. Really? I was done. I was done. Oh, you were the fucking... I had done. You were the first guy that. was good at it. I was done and no.

We talked about this the other night. Monday night we spoke about me. Felicia and I started a podcast and we were lost. We were like in that. Felicia and you were lost. When you started this, but no but you on Rogan what was no, no, no, no, but listen.

When I started with Felicia, we were lost. We were two people talking every Tuesday. We got a couple downwood, but like I told Lydia there were these things that covered our faces. these circles so you can't spit

so I couldn't really see her and she couldn't really see me and one night she said something one afternoon she said something and I told her you know one night I was in the city I mean my buddies wanted to get blown with a bar

and right by 42nd street in the mid-80s there was a pretzel thing if you went into you took the Lincoln Tunnel back to Jersey you could stop and get a pretzel there but if you didn't make that left

and you went straight and made it right that whole street was hookers. And the pimp was a dude, a black dude that may believe he was retarded in a wheelchair. But he had like two machine guns, and there was two other retarded black dudes in wheelchairs. And he would drive down that block and there'd be fucking 20 black chicks.

The cops weren't on it. And you'd get in the car and they'd suck your dick or around the world or sex. This is 82, no condoms. I remember what around the world means. Yeah, around the world. I thought around the world was sex, no? Around the world's around the world.

Everything. They eat your assholes. They suck your balls. You fuck them. They blow you. It's the whole thing for like $35. Oh, Jesus. It's 1982.

No condom? No condom. In the backseat of a car on your back, eating that ass. And the last guy, she fucked, she just, and remember, there was no handy wives then. There was no chlorine snaps. They took, they took, like, water from a hose and washed their pussy. and went back water from a hose like a fucking crazy league like a workman trying to get to drink it really doesn't matter bert we're telling us we're talking the story and i'll never forget talking about how i got in the car and i'm committed you're absolutely right bert you were absolutely right because you're a comic and you understand i'm looking at this mike and i'm telling this story like i'm there we all get in the car and the hook is saying where are we going and my buddy's going Take her back to Jersey.

Take her back to Jersey. And she's going, I can't go to Jersey. And we're like, shut the fuck up. And the next thing you know, she goes in the purse. And she takes a straight razor out. And she goes to cut the driver. And my friend punches her in the face. I don't know what to do, Bert.

I just grab it by the hair. But when I pull it, it's a wig. So we take the knife from my hand. And all of some, punches start coming from everywhere. My three buddies are just throwing leaps and lights at this poor hooker. We take it through the Lincoln fucking tunnel. we take her into North Bergen, into Fairview, New Jersey, into a cemetery. Allegedly.

Allegedly. It's two in the morning. It happened in 82. You can't prove this shit. You're just saying it, though. Right? We take her into this fucking cemetery. We take her out of the car and we go fucking give us the fucking money.

Oh, my God. We were going to rob her to point it right then and there. I look over at Felicia, and Felicia is like this, Bergercia. What do you expect? And I busted out and last. And that's when I knew right there. Right there. Now, I did that on a Tuesday.

Yeah. Okay? The podcast got released on a Thursday. I had a show at... Who's on Melrose now fighting for his life doing comedy? Sal? Sal's comedy hole was on LaBrea. Sal's comedy hole had just left New York City.

He wanted to expand his operations. He had won in New York City and the Village. That was very hot. And now he was expanding his operations to Elfrey. and he had one on LeBreya. I had booked the room, percentage deal. He calls me up and he goes, hey, where are you? I go on to 101.

He goes, hurry up. Got 100 people here. Really? I go, here we go. Another guy telling me to hurry up. I get there, there's 10 people. He goes, no, you got 100 and fucking 18 people paid. Yeah.

$10 to see you. And that was the beginning. Dude, I remember when we did my very first podcast, and Lee is going to help me get all those back up but you have to I should I need to tell everyone that just to turn off download all that's all that's all just download and only the new ones not the old ones but uh when I did my first podcast with you you told a story about uh I I took it out my dad my dad

called me he goes buddy we all had a couple cocktails Joey said some stuff he may not want out there and I go dad Joey is never never said like anything that Joey said like anything that as he's cool with saying. Everybody goes, nobody. You got to take these things out. I just think they incriminate Joey. So there's like three things I took. I should re-release that original podcast in its entirety.

But my dad made me take it around. He goes, you don't want to be associated with this. It's really bad crimes. Oh, my God. And I was like, Dad, I go, Dad, Joey's in prison. And he was like, oh, he doesn't want that mentioned. That could really hurt his resume. I was like, Dad, Joey is who he is.

That's why we love him. And he's like, listen. It's why we love him. But I just don't... You don't know who's going to listen to this. You know, what if... What if NBC listens this? No, and I are for Joey for something.

You don't want to be the reason Joey didn't get the job. I was like, Dad, you need to listen to more, Joey. And then cut to the next time you meet him, you gave him marijuana. And my dad's like, release the entire thing. Release the cracking. There's things that Joey would say, that's it. He says to me on the phone that are worse than the Donald Sterling tapes. Like, when that was happening, we would just laugh.

Because if I never recorded... anything like but like they wouldn't even be bad for you you just had everything I think that if Lee tape recorded me and he could release this album I really think so because there's times I got off the phone

with Lee and we're both fucking howling I'm funny in Spanish I'm funny in English I'm funny when I tell a story but when I'm on a row it's when I'm on a phone call with somebody and we start talking about shit we go

We and I go I started like for my When I was doing that long A lot of a long time ago But a couple years ago I was doing a vlog And if you called I would throw the camera on And your ramp that first That five minute rant

You give someone when you talk to them Oh yeah What's up Tarzan Like and I would always put them in there And go I know you're cool with it Like you and Sigura If you guys call me

And I'm on a on a radio show or whatever I go it's They're so fun You guys are so funny In the moment regardless of whether or not you're being recorded or not. I'm going to announce this right now.

I'm quitting comedy at the end of 2018. I'm quitting podcasting. And I'm going to open up a service. I still have to figure out a price. Where I call you five days a week. Between 5 a.m. and 8 a.m. Oh, my God.

I was a guinea pick for this. Now, you're going to get a three... No, no, no, no, no. I'm not even giving you three days. you're going to get nothing. You have to pay for everything in my world. You guys have proved to you what I could do in the morning. Listen to me.

If you have problems, if you have physical problems or emotional problems or drug problems or you're a little lazy, I'm your last fucking line of defense. I like this, Joey. Okay. It's going to be a 90-day program. And I'm going to call you up five days a week. And guess what? If you don't answer, I'm going to get the paperwork signed that I send a cop to your phone. fucking house until you do answer.

No, I like this. No, no, I really went to an attorney. If it doesn't, if they don't answer, they get charged double. These people who think that a motivational a calendar is going to help you because you guys don't understand what it is to be down. You guys don't understand what it is to

wake up in a rocket ship with a jacket on, like under a rocket ship like at a park. Oh. I thought David Bowie was No, no, no, no. You wake up with a rocket ship. Was Joey an astronaut?

And you have no money. You have a coke addiction. You know, you have to dress. I would go to my buddy's dress, break into his back window, take a shower, take a sweatshirt, do laundry, eat some breakfast. And then my day would begin. But what kept me going was the things I used to say to myself when I was laying there. Yeah. Which is the things I said to myself when I was here in L.A. in the beginning.

It's nine in the morning. You can sit in this apartment and do what every other comic does. Make believe he's writing and bitch about how nothing's working from. That's a percentage. Oh, yeah. Or you could get yourself up, you fat sack of shit. I mean, what are you going to do with your phallonious fucking life? What are you going to do?

You're going to impress me with your felonious life. Listen, you've got parents, you got people that love you and people who care for you and you don't want to get up because your pussy hurts or you're fucking a little shaky you start this shit with the depression this shit ends now this is Uncle Joey telling you to get the fuck up and you got to do something

when you get to the fucking destination you have to go to it or when you get to that gym I want you to call me from there and leave a fucking message it better come up all my fucking phone that it's coming from you I'm not even going to answer the phone

I just want to make sure you get the way you're going you know I love you I'm sorry I had to talk to you this way have a phenomenal day you bad motherfucker. If I don't love you Jesus does and just hang up on you. Why can't you? You should start, you should start a version of that right now. That is the business. No, no, I got to think it. I got to get the attorneys.

I already wrote it out. I love that. Lee and I get high and talk about business plans. I said, you know what? I'm going to narrow this down. Leaves come to me with calendars. Somebody else came to me with t-shirts. The thing is, the call in the morning telling you that you're a fucking sack of shit that the world owes you nothing. You're not Your mother and father lied to you just like they lied to me and one day we all come to the conclusion that nobody's gonna give you dick You miserable fuck get up go shampoo make some coffee I want you to wash your hair I want you to comb it I want you to put on a white fucking shirt

I want you to feel well there was a black shirt that's ready we'll go in the fucking wash it Yeah take the white shirt out iron it put cologne on it I'm not gonna narrow down nationalities but people do it all the time and where I share the second and third day. You know there would be a lot of people that... No, it's true, because people need... Listen, it's the same shit. Your dad tells you.

Only a broken record. Only someday... Is there like a nice version for people who like... There's no... The world... Listen to me. The world ain't nice, Lee. The world ain't nice.

There's a guy that's coming in to apply for the same job as you. You have no high school education. And you want to take off the weekend and go see the state fair. To go ZZ Top. Well, there's a Mexico who just came in? And he said, he'll do your job for $750 an hour. And you're getting 10. Guess what's going to happen when you get back from your ZZ Top concert?

You're going to get fired. This is the shit I prevent you from doing. Absolutely. There's no concerts. There's no nothing. I want your bank statements. I want what you owe. So the torture that you've given me over the years, you're going to just start selling.

There's no reason to go on vacation. Look at your. Your life's turnaround, Lee. Go look at your fucking visa bill and tell me if you got time to take your fucking wife on vacation Just ask me one more time dad You who the fuck are you to go on vacation four times in one year You barely made 42,000 last year Who the fuck are you Donald D'Orentice my dad my dad? You sound like my dad right now

I remember all my birthday my 26th birthday I wasn't doing stand-up and I was uh I was I was just fucking party in new york and he called me in the morning and I said, I answered the phone because I thought he was going to wish me happy birthday and I'd go back to bed. So I was hung over and I was like, hello. And he's like, you're a piece of shit. And I was like, uh, dad?

He was like, I perjured myself in court today. The judge asked how you were doing. I was under oath and I said, you're doing great. He goes, I lied about you because you're such a piece of shit. I was like, you know it's my birthday, right? And he goes, you don't deserve a birthday. And I was like, I go, I remember he gave me a great speech that I'm very grateful I got because it changed the direction of my life.

But at the same time, at the very end of the speech, I said, he goes, you go to that comedy club and you tell him you'll work for 25. You'll work for free. I ended up getting 25 bucks a night. He goes, you'll work for free and do whatever they want you to do. I said, Dad, but I have a party tonight. He goes, you don't deserve a party. He goes, you go to that club. If you let this be your party, let work be your party.

Let earning something be your party. And it was, it's such an, it's, fucking truth. Yeah, I was a hipster, way before hipsters and millennials. I believed I was in privilege. I was like, I deserve things. I didn't deserve shit. There was a guy that was willing to do it before me. And then that guy would get it.

And I just, and that, that night, that conversation on my 26th birthday changed my life. There's a dude, Matt Woods, I think about every week. Not the biggest guy in the world. Not the toughest guy in the world. Just a guy from Long Island. who wrote for Roseanne. He was a very decent guy. I tell the story of fucking,

I think about him all the time. I look him up on Facebook because without him, Papa wouldn't be it. After like two years in comedy one night, he came up to me after an open Mike Burke Kreischer. Not to this Joe Diaz.

He went up to crazy Joe Diaz in 94. When I was going to a divorce, I had no money, she wouldn't let me see the kid. The anger was, spewing out of me and he brought me on the way out. After I had just killed

open mic three minutes on a Tuesday for me in those days I'd go up there with no material. Yeah. By the way you could still go up there with no material. I got on stage. Before I was leaving, he pulled me aside

and he was not talking for a second because he had a writing class that was free on Tuesday before the open mic. So if you went to his house, he'd feed you a bunch of comics, girls, guys, and he would sit with you,

you were you working on and he would do this the comedy works paid him yeah it was called the comedy works development plan and wendy till this day i give a props because a lot of good comics came from that scam are you cool with wendy now cool and i'm going there for the first time sunday night she's tremendous sunday i'm doing sunday monday and tuesday she's true that's who invented that was wendy curtis really when i first started comedy her lineup for the week would be at that time Jackie Flynn was on fucking fire. Jackie Flynn from Boston?

Boston was the hottest comic in the country. Really? He had just won the San Francisco comedy competition. I'll never forget the other comic that was very hot at that time. 1994 was Felicia Michaels. I will say this. I have to say this in all. Like just to put it out there.

I still think Felicia Michaels is gorgeous. Oh, she's still looking good. But no, no. She's gorgeous. And I think she's hilarious, but I'm just saying. And like, I have to say that because every time we all hung out, because me and you, me, and Felicia did a podcast like, I think three times, every time I was like, dude, she's still a dime in my book.

She still looks fucking good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's a savage. Yeah, she's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She just hides it. But it was, like, in those days, she would have Wendy would book Bobby Collins, who was on fire.

He had the search commercial. I remember, no, Bobby Collins. I was worked with Louis C.K. and Fort Lauderdale. and when Georgia was born in 2004, and Bobby Collins rolled in. And, man, I've never seen, Louis was a big guy to me, but, man, he paid Bobby Collins massive respect. I was so grateful that he came in. Yeah, no, Bobby's a good dude, man.

And Bobby Collins are coming Monday, Tuesday. Then Felicia Michaels are coming Wednesday and Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. She'd have Jackie Flynn. I'll never forget who the hottest comic was in the country. when I got into comedy. You ready? Yeah. Who's the guy Greg Garcia had on that show?

From Boston. What's the show before? My name is early yet. Was it Raising Arizona? No. Anthony Clark. Anthony Clark. When I got into comedy,

Anthony Clark was the fucking comic to watch. Dude, he was tremendous at that time. What happened to him? he moved out to L.A. And he became a television star. No, but like he, what happened to him? Like, I haven't seen him in a while. He was a fun guy to party with.

He pissed off some people. Like, we usually do, when we have $3. Now we think we know everything about the world. Yeah. Some people turn against you in the networks. I heard a story about him. By the way, this is allegedly, right? Is that how we protect ourselves?

Yeah, absolutely. But this isn't bad, but, uh, legal. When he got on Boston Commons, I think was the first show he did. It was like a big show. Yes. He did Boston Commons. He was in Boston at the time or Seattle or L.A., but his brother connected with a bunch of guys who were starting a company.

And they're like, you should really invest in our company. You have a little extra cash, throw some in. So he did. And that company was Microsoft. And I heard he is paid in full for the rest of his life. You never look at They say Dice was one of the original investors The Starbucks

Really? Think of when Dice got out Right when Starbblers were starting That's the rumor Oh, who knows I never met Dice I met Dice I've actually worked with Dice

But I don't know Dice But I find him fascinating Very fascinating And when you hear his story About how he started How he wasn't even 18 And he started as a Travolta impersonator.

Yeah. And he would go to these mafia parties and they would pay him 200 to do Travolta and, you know, it goes on and on. I mean, you sit there and go, Jesus fucking Christ. And that was my point.

The podcasting, it's not like we're good at podcasting. It's that I paid my dues as a comic. Yeah. And then I became a storytell later on. And I figured my niche out. My niche wasn't going up there and telling you that her pussy stunk like a fish

or my dick. or that I hate her ass. That was nothing to do with it. My comedy was about what was in front of me, which was my life. Well, I mean, personally, I think comedians can be, are the best podcasters, but there's a lot of comedians.

We've had them as guests, and they have their own podcasts that are, they can be the worst podcasters too. Can I jump in and say that, like, so like someone I thought, and by the way, I hope it doesn't sound like I'm talking shit. I hope this, everyone sees that this is coming with love. But like,

Someone I thought that would be bad at podcasting would be Polly. Because Polly was a movie star like in the 80s. So like and there's such a like an ingrained indoctrined like don't share too much, you know, type of thing. And then I saw him on Rogan and I got really excited. I've always been a fan of Pauley's, you know, from when I was, I mean, he was a movie star when I was in high school. So like I watched every one of his fucking movies. And I know there's a part of Polly that's deeper. than what maybe the public thinks.

So I saw him on Rogan, and it was maybe one of my favorite Rogan appearances I've ever seen, and they start by talking about your appearance with him here. We don't talk about Paul Lowe's show. Did you guys post the video yet? No. Are you serious?

Because I would love to see that fucking, I would love to see that. It was such a great Rogan appearance that I was like, that's what I love about podcasting. It's him being vulnerable. I think it's better that the Rogan appearance is the one that's out there. Really? Yeah.

Did you air the audio? What's the movie that somebody says that? We don't talk about him here. Voldemort? With Harry Potter, he who must not be named? No, we don't talk about him. You watch Harry Potter. I can.

What, fuck, I'm Paul and Paul. He's short direct. You know. I wonder if he knows who I am. Doesn't matter. He don't need to know nobody. No names. Oh, my God.

Let's leave him a message and shit. May my O'D in my head made me not give it Oh, here put a little speaker Joey

Paulie short Joe Diaz all of a sudden you got on the Rogan podcast you forget about me and shit cock sucker

all of a sudden you're a star you got and seen old man three you know you don't want to talk to me no more

call me back I miss you I love you we just signed the podcast live and we were talking about here your appearance

on Rogan how great you were and shit you showed up here with flip flop son looking all fucked up but I love you I'm thinking about you call me back stay black oh my god okay wait do you have that audio can we can it can be something given to friends that we can personal isn't it on airplay no no no no it's in the deep deep deep

can we can we can we can we can we give like the the angel share of podcasters let me tell what the truth about podcasting is there's 50 comics out there yeah And we've had comics on here who we thought we're going to come out here and blow the roof off. And they've been duds. And then we've brought regular people on here who've done sensational. There's a line in your life. And if you're not willing to go through that line, you're dead in podcast. And that's the one guys.

Then there's the guys that come on and look down on you. And they look at you and they go, I've been in radio for 22 years. Well, let me explain some to you, Mr. Fucking Dinosaur Man. All right, Mr. Kleptosaurus, whatever the fuck they are with the little hands. What's the guy with the little hands? T-Rex. T-rex, whatever. Clectosaurus.

That's the dinosaur that stole from other dinosaurs. Let me tell you something. I feel like your name when you're... That's why radio's dead because you're still using the phony voice and you're still... That's not what people looking for. You're looking for a real, honest conversation. It's eavesdropping. It's eavesdropping.

It's exactly what this is. It's two people, three people talking shit. smoking dope, having a few cocktails, and anything goes. You know, when I listen to a podcast and it's edited, that's the last time I listened to the fucking podcast. I want to hear everything.

If the guy slipped, if the guy slipped and said nigger or spig or fucking lesbian or homophobic or something, so let it be. Maybe he was in the fucking moment. Did you ever think of that? That people are in the moment

And when people are talking and they're talking about people and they get excited, they say things they normally wouldn't say, but it's not in the fucking abrasive way. Yeah, it's not, man, for hate it. That's what I want to hear. I want to hear that shit. I want to hear when Lee farts. I want to hear when burps. This is what a podcast is. And unless you're doing that, it's not going to work.

Not in my world. And there's people who disagree with me. That's fine. There's people that want their podcasts groomed. Like, hey, we're back. And I'm like, talking to this. That's not what I like. I want to listen to a podcast that any minutes that cops could kick down the door.

Listen, any minutes, any day now, want to be doing a podcast and we're going to get swatted. Yeah. So what do you say that? Because it's true. Can I tell you my favorite part of Rogan's podcast? This is old school Rogan. You'll remember this. Do you remember when that landline he had in his room would ring?

Oh, yeah. And I used to love. I love that because I go oh yeah the phone's ringing and he go fuck I forgot to turn it all he'd be like ah fuck those those things and podcast for me I'm excited for like a podcast history class can you do me a favor because those are my favorite I could teach it yeah absolutely go to YouTube for a second okay or I want you to click and Lenny Bruce out I got a piss I want to piss real quick yeah go ahead guy money finds this guy yeah yeah go piss go I'm gonna piss I'm gonna miss where's about where's about the

room right next door. Okay, I'm gonna go piss. To the right. Piss if you don't make a move. Yeah, right, left, it don't matter. It doesn't. He's just clear. No, no, no, pull it. Let me get some shoutouts to my girl, Crystal Oaks. My main man in Jersey, looking out for me always. Mikey Klein with the one-by-one podcast. My main man, Paul Galtieri, Randy Funderberg, Mike Dunn,

Tenon, Smith, Casey Seagrave, and my brother from a different mother always Jeffrey Collins who's a fucking soldier of debt and I want to congratulate my main man fucking talking lair he finally got a job he's putting things together

he's going to be coming to visitors in California soon he's coming on a mission from debt he doesn't even know it yet I told him last week that he's on call he might have to fucking get in that fucking Hyundai and put the Uber sign on and bring a fucking victim with him you know what I'm saying

and besides that it's a beautiful night we got fucking my main man look for what was I saying if you don't look for Oh you didn't tell me which one Yeah just let me Bruce out Okay Let me Bruce out okay Let's just start with that

Let me see what you come up with On YouTube Yes please If you don't mind What's that? You know listen When I got into comedy I'm a lot older than you guys

Or maybe a lot younger There's a lot of people in my age That listen to this stuff when I got into comedy I learned to listen to comedy from listening no not stand-up album no that was the first thing that popped up so I didn't know

yeah yeah you know I learned from listening to albums like uh right there right to click the first one just click on to that all right let's see I wouldn't even born yet I never seen this bit before

I want you to tell me he stopped me if you've seen it I'm going to piss on you Now, there's so much acceptance. See that? I can't take the bit out. Every time I say, I just start as a gag once, you know, and they just say, Hooray, hooray, all right. Let me just do it to talk bits.

We're not piss on this person, and you'll do the rest of bits there. Do you hear the crackling in your e-eatheaphone, guys? Yeah. I tell you this because something rings on the way. Yeah. That's the album, guys. Listen to it. I want you to put out on Richard Pryor is something I say.

Right there, the fourth one down. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the world famous Latin casino proudly presents the star of our show. Mr. Richard Pryor. Hit pause for one second. So the thing I'm obsessed with right now, Joey, is the first word to come out of a comic's mouth on special. Well, let's listen.

Let's listen right here. I'm obsessed with it. Well, let's listen. What the fuck you got to tell me? Let's hear it. Look at me. We are gathered here today on this soft occasion to say goodbye to the dearly departed. He was dearly and he has departed.

Thus, that's why we call him the dearly deported. In other words, the nigger dead. Dude, hit pause for one second. I'm sorry, Lee. But like the thing I look about with specials now is I go, as you can see him laying. I go, what are the first words coming out of your mouth? Because I'm working on my special. I don't want to like build it up too much.

But I go, you don't want too much of the like, you know, what's up? Philadelphia. Is everyone good here? Is everyone having a good time? Like, and I did that on my last special a lot. I was like, I riffed on something. You go to a restaurant. do you like to get treated?

Go to scroll that down until the end. I want to see what they got. Then wine on me. No, no, no, no. On the video, scroll it down because maybe, like they said, number one, eulogy. When you go to arrest. It'll just give the titles.

When a woman leaves you? No. When you go back? Go to the next one. Good night kiss. Keep going. Women are beautiful. Our text for today?

No. Click up there. Could be before that. Wine on meets Dracula. Click up there. You know how you want to be treated, brother? Yeah. Just click up there.

Wine on meets Dracula, Richard Pry. Erase the Lenny Bruce. There you go. You're fucking going to. How do you like to be treated when you go to a restaurant with your wife? I'd like to be served. No. Personally.

Yeah. The first one. This is the first- This is what got me into comment. Right here, right here. Winoes never get afraid of nothing but running out of wine. That's the only thing that panic of Wino. Winole could deal with Dracler. Right, anybody.

Hey, man, say, nigger, you with the cake. I'm picking in that people's window. What's your name, boy? Dracler. What kind of name is that for, nigger? You know, this is 1970 guys. This is before rap. Where are you from, fool?

Oh, yeah. Transomian. I know where it is, nigga. You ain't the smartest motherfucker in the world, you know. Even though you is, the ugliest. Oh, yes, you're ugly, motherfucker. Why don't you get your teeth fixed, niggil? That shit hanging all out your mouth.

Why don't you go get you an awful onus? Offer Donn's. That's a dinnish, you know? Huh? This is 1975, boy, I get your shit together. What's why with your natural? natural. Got that dirt all

on the back of your neck. You're a filthy little motherfucker, too. He was fucking killing, guys. He's fucking killing it. You got to be home for the sun come up. You ain't lying, motherfowling. See your ass in the day. You ought to get arrested.

Hey, click on to that one up there. You want to suck what? You want to suck what? Suck some black. Niggas, you. You're just, you. some kind of freak boy? Or ugly freak.

You ain't sucking nothing here, Junior. You suck your ass on away from here what you better do. Holy shit. I love CDs. This is it. I know you guys need to do specials now. I love this shit.

But I love CDs. I love this shit. I like CDs too. I love this fucking sound. Click on to the Exorcists and see what that is. I think you know, Do you all see the Exorcist? This is a story about the devil gets into this 12-year-old girl.

Devil's a low motherfucker, Jack. See, there wouldn't have been no movie. It'd have been niggers in it. The movie would have been about seven minutes long. As soon as the devil spoke. Hello. Goodbye. Hello.

See, the nigger would have handled that movie different. The nigger would have walked in the house and my mind. What no fuck is that funky smell? and all that racket upstairs is the girl crazy smell like shit in here some devil is shit at that you walk in the room

bitch what's wrong with you get up out of bed wash your ass girl you can tell it's gonna be good because they have the one lady who laughed you can hear get the cross out your pussy get the cross out your pussy

this is like cutting the eggs back then get downstairs and help your mother straighten up the front room we have them coming in Well, didn't have black people talking like this yet. Like on media? I left, I left listening to turn it off. I left that fucking house that afternoon.

I had to walk like a mile home. And I couldn't stop thinking about this. I didn't know it was going to be a stand-up comic. But this made me buy other albums. And, you know, it opened up the fucking door. But this sound, this is why I started podcasting. I missed this. I missed that pure.

that pure laughter no HBO presents showtime but just a guy in a bar that's why I love whenever I go somewhere and I see a Richard Pryor album I buy it because it's as pure as when Lee and I did it's either you or the priest

it wasn't planned we didn't talk about it we didn't have a cover taken you told me you didn't know what you were going to say Legos let's go down the brand I got this thing let's try It cost me $35 to rent. Remember the things that you guys all bought to do live podcast?

Yeah. That was it. Yeah, the Zoom we still used today. I rented $150. I did a spot and then became a number one CD on fucking iTunes. And billboard. No stories, no drama, no big programming. It costs $40.

If you listen to it today, you go, Joey, you know what, man, it sounded. I wanted it to sound like that. I want you to think I want you to listen this is why I fell in love with the concept of the podcast because I want there's somebody hit me up on Twitter today

or yesterday ladies you don't see that I'm listening to the podcast right now where two ladies are knocking on your door saying that you're smoking pot I was one of the best podcasts in my life with Felipe if you listen to it

it's fucking God off what happened me or Felipe and the Christkiller where this other location we had on Burbank Boulevard. I remember that place, I think. No.

No. No. We barely had anybody there. We had three months there. The table was too big for the room. It was a small table. It's not the place by In-N-Out. No. This was one that we had. That's a palace compared to this place. We had this place. Had no AC. No AC. We were there for three months.

It was an earthquake. There was a woman who was pretending to be a, what is it called? When you stamp things? Notary. Notary next door. She kept complaining about the reef. They would bang on the floor. No, we weren't even smoking.

We weren't even smoking. It was a fucking nightmare. But one of the best things ever is when she knocked on the door. Because it felt like I was on stage and the waitresses' drink tray fell over and the glasses. Oh, really? You're in the moment, guys. Oh, I love that. You see?

I love that. You understand what I'm trying to say to you. So this is why this is the style of this. podcast we do. This is the only way I can do a podcast because I don't want to, I'm not a SPN. Hey, how are you? I love that shirt. Yeah. Well, my

opinion on it. Listen, fuck you and your fucking opinion. If I wanted your opinion, I turn on Channel 18 and be at home watching you, all right? Yeah. You know, I just hate all that shit. I always so for me, this was perfect. This is what I like. I admire this. I want you to listen

and think the cops are going to kick the doors in and arrest you for listening. into this. That's what the podcast means to me. Do you ever think about recording that the periscope part as part of the podcast? Because watching you get high and rant is one of my favorite things. Yeah, now, listen.

They're on YouTube. Everything. What's that? They're on YouTube. Everything is on a... We do everything sporadically, man. How the fuck knows when you want a periscope? Yeah. I can't do it. I can't... You know, you can't stay on social media all there and let them have to don't

you're fucking seriously it kills me you got to keep give them a fucking breather they're getting bombarded with so much shit you can only give them so much shit and then they go listen we've taken enough shit with uncle joey yeah you know i try to get off two three day you know something a day here a day there you got to give people a fucking breathing it's amazing that what i use it for and what other people use it for it really amazes it's amazes me too i i i use it specifically to shoot those promo videos. That's all I do. I love the videos with the kids.

Yeah. It's fucking phenomenal. I mean, Cleveland. Ila fucking get her involved. That shit's all fucking great. You know why? Why? Because it's better than a fat fuck

coming on smoking pot that's 50 years old. Tell me to go see him and Ontario. I don't know about that. At least it's great. You know what I'm saying? Like that, that's the stuff that pisses me on. And now it makes everybody a director. That's what's happened to what.

business what happened to our businesses and made everybody a director you got that right so they would do two little fucking films show up to paramount and they get together and go wait a second this fucking hum head i got to give him three quarters of a mill to shoot a movie i got this fucking idiot from down the corner in hollywood boulevard he got a degree from the hollywood film insid into the whatever the fuck got a big youtube channel yeah let's give him a during this is what happens and the least the last couple of lives we've killed two hours of in here high, watching movie clips. And it was real weird that I showed Lee

movie clips where you see what the director is. There's thought involved while you're watching the movie. There's tons of thought involved. Like I showed him the scene last night from a movie called Gotti with Armana Santhe. It's like half the movie. And the greatest Mexican of all time.

What's the Mexicans name? Penisa El Doro? No. No. He's Puerto Rican. The old school one. school one the guy that was across 110 street he's in the movie revenge which is fucking phenomenal

who's the good looking guy from the bodyguard oh Kevin Costman Anthony Quinn that's who I'm talking about fucking that what you giggling about Bergfries I like that I picked the white guy I'm dropping knowledge on you and you fucking hit me with Kevin Cosman you're Anthony Quinn

is my name on that pillow what pillow It is. What? That pill is my Kia. It says Bert. Oh. Do you see it?

Listen, there's a frog with that fucking name. You got no right to fucking question a fucking pillow. There's a frog with your name. Did you know that? No, there's not a frog with my name. Burt. Isn't a frog to Burt? No, I think you're thinking of Bert and Ernie, right?

Yeah. Yeah, no, he's not a frog. What is he? He's a Muppet. But doesn't make a difference. So you got a name that's share with a Muppet, You're worried about your name on a pillow You got some pair of fucking balls kid

You know like Hold on I ain't a pee I just saw I just saw my name on the pillow I've been looking at it and I was like I thought it was serendipity I haven't been fucked up You brought your own

I was gonna I got some Titos You did Do you have any snacks? No there's never We can't have snacks here We can't have snacks here He's got a bag of pretzels No we can't

We can't eat stuff. Here we'd go crazy. We'd be gaito. We'd go nuts. All I'd do is eat snacks right now. I'm thinking about eating a Death Star. I'm that hungry. When I got up to my highest, I would go to the grocery store.

My entire car would just be diet, soda, and snacks. So are the Death Stars yummy? Yeah. If you eat one or two, they're pretty good. But when you start eating five, they start to build back in the point. It's just hard to eat five to ten gummies at once. Really? Yeah.

You guys go to a bag at night? Probably for the bigger ones. What was it like when you first started eating these? Like, were you a big week guy before you met Joey? No, not at all. So, so you, how did you find Joey? Facebook. Well, I found him for the Rogan, but then I contacted him on Facebook.

And then he was like, yeah, let's do something. Let's see if we connect. I think he kind of. He asked me what my ideas were. And then we just hung out at the ha-ha for like a month at night. and that was crazy I was like someone someone asked me today

on Twitter right before the podcast if I've ever been starstruck on the podcast and I was thinking about it and I was starstruck meeting Joey like I was petrified really yeah

I don't know I've never been I've never been I've always I get starstruck by people who are on the news before I moved to L.A. And then like it was weird and then since I've been with Joey

it's kind of there's nothing that can really phase you but had you ever heard of me before you met me yeah for real? Yeah of course you were on Rogan before you aren't here probably yeah you went some Fabriz

what happened in there yeah we did go pretty hard in here so yeah so yeah met him then and we did manned Flavours world what's Matt for Devers world we did he had a camera from Gabriel Iglesias and he did little

blogs and stuff and he gave them to me once a week and I did them together Really? Yeah, we did like 15 of them

something like that And then he called me One out at work And like midnight Did he like to shoot a documentary In New York? Was that how you guys started With the

The doc was one of the first thing? Yeah And then the CD I thought he was like a film major And I didn't know I thought he was a know it all. He shows up I never got him way before. I was going to fucking

stab him in the lung. We made it happen. I was an editing major. And you kept calling me the director from Israel. I never directed anything. The director from Israel. That doesn't sound like Joey. He would tell me like that. The first thing, like, when I was like brand new, he'd tell me to lie to people and like tell them you from Israel. And I can't speak Hebrew. We're like, even pretend to speak

but you never got a bar mitzvah? Yeah. Well, yeah. Do that rant. That little Baruch If they know how to speak keeper, they're going to know you're just doing the door. I guess you could. You know, I shot how many fucking movies do they shoot? I'd sit there and I'd watch these fucking morons make a big deal about shit. Yeah. And I would sit there and go, this is how I would block this, right?

Like, when I go on those things, I go, all right, let me practice in my head how I would block this, how I would make this guy move across. and you know what the last resort I'd be like two steps off or something yeah you know

it don't take a fucking genius it don't take no fucking genius I've been on fucking CBS shows that the director's a comedy legend and you meet the guy and he's a fucking sleeping pill and then you try to improvise

and they fucking tell you you can't dude that's what we're talking about the drive here about acting jobs and how at one point you get here and that's what you strive for is these little acting jobs and you get on there you do a couple of them

and then you're like I ain't doing this no more or if I do them this is how I'm gonna do them like I would enjoy I would enjoy acting I think more if I knew everything there was to know like I want to know if I can take like other takes and and like if I can improv

like I remember Mike Epps was saying that he just would go in and do it the way he did it, fuck them. And I was like, I wish I had known that. Because I would try to do it the way they wanted me to do it. Here you go. You go to the audition or you don't go to the audition. They give you the fucking role. The first fucking day you're supposed to be there, your calls at two in the afternoon. Yeah.

You look at the call sheet and see what time they're actually going to be there. And if it's at seven, they're paying you number one. Number two, you're a professional. Yeah. You go down there at three, four hours early. and while they're blocking, catch the director, and this is exactly what's going to happen.

Hey, how are you doing, Tony, Bert Kreis. Hey, I loved your audition tape. Obviously, I'm fucking here, dickhead. You know what I'm saying? Like, they hear you that shit. And then they're like, yeah, is there anything special you want me to play in this place? Do you say that to him or you keep that to yourself?

Whatever. You make a fucking joke, whatever. You know, they loved what you did. Okay. Let me ask you number two. What do you want from me? And they'll go, well, I want you to do the scene you did

exactly the way. Like, I was blown away sometimes how people would go, like, I got that scene right off the cuff. And then they would go, we'll work on this. You know, I would only ask them today. What do you want from me fucking today? What do you expect from the,

from the fucking character? Yeah. You know, I tried to give them that fucking lingo so that dig gets hard, like I know what I'm doing. You know what I'm doing? You know what I'm saying? If you tell them what you want from the character, they get the fucking happen. and they eat and they think, like they know what the fuck they're doing.

And then number four, ask them, number three, ask them if we want any special requests. Now you're in his world, and now you've got to ask him. Can I ask you a question? And I'm not trying to be rude. I'm here for you. I have no comedy scheduled. My wife's got the kids. How many takes do we do for each?

And the guy I really tell you, he goes, well, I just, you know, Adam Sandler, he does one from the script, one for him, one for you. Clinicewood does two. Yeah. There's some fucking people who are just dickheads, bro. There's some guys you work with that medium range level, it's their first big film

with Fox or something. And they're just dickheads. There's nothing they could do. 22 scenes. You know, there was a couple years ago. I shot a commercial for a big daddy. I fucking snapped on that set. Go daddy.

Go daddy. I fucking snapped on that fucking set. The director was just a dick. Yeah. Just a dick. You got all the shots. You got all the shots. How many fucking shots you want.

Was that the one we're getting like a flower thrown in your face? Yeah. And they thought it was cute. And I know when somebody's trying to be cute. I ain't that much of a fucking morrow. I know when some director is trying to be cute. The best was the fucking, uh,

what's the people that when you like what's the fast food you like all yeah Carl's Jr. Oh yeah. Carl Jr. I did one of the director. That's my least favorite. That director called me an idiot. What? Because the fucking car had no brakes.

When they connected the interior lights and cameras for the car, they disconnected the brakes. So the first time the car rolled, they said they fixed it. The second time the car rode. And he said something else. Don't fuck you, bitch. I went off. And the other, it was two of us playing like Italian mob hits. The other guy is still my friend.

Really? Until this day, because how I went off and that directly, and at the end of the director had apologized to me. It's like, fucking fire me. What do I give a fuck? Yeah. What the fuck are you? What do you think you are?

You know, you can't, but everybody was scared of him. He had an assistant that would come up to him, talk to you instead of him. I think it's less about talent, more about yeah no no no knowing the right uniform to wear yeah yeah oh no listen

there's some movies you go on the set you know who the director is right away yeah the hat with the feather 22 tattoos all the way to the fucking wrist the mouth be the t-shirt what's the pants they wear leather or the shorts

so they can show the tattoo on the cab little capri pants yeah it's the same look you can see or if you have a woman director you really have a problem you have the dyed hair you know oh no it's not with all women directors listen we're talking about the conti

directors across the board no no no no no no no no no no no no no no I worked with a woman on set it entertainer's pilot that was brilliant she taught me a lot I worked on you know it was a good director dog you know who directed me on the soprano sketches for mad TV

the wife from married with children did not watch a bandy no the other one oh the lesbian yes yeah she directed me on mad tv sweeter than pie but there was something i did that i worked with a woman that i got there and the whole set was cliche oh in fact there was somebody who i was working with recently that contacted me i went on their resume i looked at their webpage and i go oh my god i know who i'm dealing with and i just knew it Yeah.

And she hit me with an offer, and I knew. I knew the kind of offer she was going to go at me with. And then I told her, no, I couldn't do it. But you know the look. There's a look, a certain look that a woman gets when she wants you to know she's a director or a producer. And it's so fucking cliche, guys. It sucks. I've worked with like women that are just natural.

They're fucking tremendous. the ones that want to be artsy-fartsy I worked at two gay directors one time that were fucking solid as fuck too we made a movie called The Mezos What was that about? Let me tell you something

I'm on how weird Hollywood works First season of the soprano It's a fucking hit Yeah It's a fucking hit Every network orders a mafia show one way or the other. They're getting thousands of mob shows,

thousands of mob-related shows. I know these two gay dudes in Hollywood, and they write a script about, you know, that gay theater on Santa Monica Boulevard where they play gay porn sometimes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the head. What are you guys talking about?

That's their head. It's where, what's his name from Got Busted? Yeah, it's a super popular. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the pink. the pink lace or something that's the headquarters and they did something else

everything was very gayish in a way and there was these two brothers who were gay but they're gangsters and nobody knows they're gangsters they're tremendous hitmen so it's like pay only no later type deal so nobody knows these two guys are gay

they're not the flaming type gay guys they're just the ones that are the big They go to clubs and intimidate you. Yeah. And he wrote this up and took it to ABC, and ABC order to the fucking scrap. Really? Okay.

Jack around a little bit, and he gets wind. That the Sopranos were not happy with Big Pussy in real life. They already knew that Big Pussy had asked for a bunch of money the second season. Really? And that he was getting killed off. Like once you, you know, the rumor is on Sunday Anarchy when you ask the money, you get killed off. On some of those shows, the cricket you ask for that raise is the cricketer they kill you off. So these two gay guys who are sweethearts, I still talk to the one guy, Joe, contact, went to New York and met with Vincent Pastor.

And they got Vincent Pastor money to shoot a pilot about two gay guys that are in the mom. in LA and they own a theater. Yeah. And that's their headquarters and they loan out money. They did something else. That was pretty funny. The guy did do a good job

without just being like, we weren't flaming, fat, you know, nothing like that. He did something, I can't remember what the fuck it was. And I had to go to Fox and audition. No. You ready for this one?

Yeah. They shoot a pilot. ABC says, Caboosh. We don't want the thing. or they didn't shoot the pilots, or everybody was staying in there with the dick of their hand. They took it to everybody else, everybody else passed on it.

These two guys didn't want to fucking just lose the project. So they sold it to Fox Searchlight, whatever the fuck that is. And Big Pussy didn't want to do it for that price. Really? So we all auditioned from scratch. Every, from Frank Stallone to Nick the Tour. Really? To any guy you saw in good.

good fellas Johnny roast beef. Wow. And I got it. Like the two guys who got, like if you would have told me that me and this other guy were going to get it, I went all against it. Me and, I mean, there was stars in that room. Yeah.

The guy that got shot in the eyeball from the godfather was in that room. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. There was a thousand Italian stars in that room. When I got the callback, I was fucking shocked. Yeah. And this is the funny.

See, you don't know See, people have no idea what the route is here. I had, at that time, one of the smartest guys I ever had working with in the entertainment business at that time. He was a genius. In fact, he just texted me about a week ago, and he said that he listened to a podcast

where myself and Jimmy Schubert were on discussing him. He goes, it brought tears to his eyes, how proud he was of us. He was mine, Jimmy Schubert's manager. he had six killers that nobody knew about. And he would live and die for you. Like if I, I bumped into Billy Gardell at Arts maybe three months ago. Really?

And Billy asked me, he goes, you ever talked to Jeff again? Jeff was the one that got Billy gone. So, how did you know, how did you meet, how did you meet Billy? Oh, I've known Billy since 1998. For real? Yeah, we used to go to Ice Storm. I remember when Billy Gardell and, Billy Gardell, for those you don't know, is a kid from Mike and Molly.

I know Billy from, I still remember 98 being at coaching horses with him at 4 in the afternoon, him and a girl. That's a comedian girl that's still in town broke up. And we were in there, me, him, and Stan, or maybe a few other people. Really? Yeah. So wait, so wait, so wait, take me back to them. Like, what was it like back then? Hold on, let me just tell you this story about what you got. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I really give props to this guy. The problem with this guy was that I wasn't strong enough for him. He was getting me into fucking rooms that my knees were prickle. Like into auditions, like you're going down there and you're reading with Revolta today. Like that type of shit. 1998. I just got here. I'm a criminal.

I'm doing blow six nights a week. And I'm going to these auditions that I could not handle. But, bro, this guy always had a plan. Yeah. He's like, this is what's going on. So, I go, should I do this project? It was like $2.50 a day. Flat.

It was $500 for the weekend. If they went over a certain amount of hours, they would give me an extra $100. But the dude said they would take care of me. I asked him, I go, bro, should I do this? He goes, Joey, the soprano is the hottest show on TV right now. They're working on a thousand projects. You need this tape.

he goes, I know these guys they're shooting on something. Shoot it. I shot it. Came out great. Got into a bunch of all gay film festivals. I got a couple meetings from it, but he gave me a call and then he goes, you're going

to go, he read for that movie about Chuck Barris. Remember that movie they made about the host of the Dong show? He was in the CIA and shit like that. She made me go, he made me go in for this role that I didn't want to fucking read for. I'm not going in there for this. They're looking for two Mexicans. He goes, listen, you're going to take this role.

He goes, you're not going to get this. He goes, I think they already have an offer on I don't want. Because that doesn't matter. I want you to go in there and rock her world. Wow. Don't give her an accent. Rock her world. Listen to me, bro. I went in there and rocked her world. She called me back. I went to producers. I didn't get the role. But on the way out, the second time I went to She made me go to producers once and twice, which meant she liked me on the way out. She goes, it was great to see you, thank you to come. She goes, regardless of what happens here today,

she goes, I want you to keep in touch with me. She goes, any time you do a new project, I want you to hit me up. This lady was like fucking huge. But she wasn't here. She wasn't even based on L.A. I forget what her name is. She was based on New York.

If you go to my IMDB, you'll see what the name was. Within four weeks, I get the tape from the Mezos. Jeff Geltlin was the manager. He called me. He goes, where's that Mezzo's tape? I go, well, they said they won't give it to me. He goes, let me call you back. Next thing, he goes, he called me, but he goes, listen,

they want you to go by the house and pick up two scenes. I went by the house. I picked up two scenes. I sent him to Jeff. Jeff sent him to some guy, some guy fucking bup, bup, bup, this is 2003. Jeff sends me this, and he goes, Joey, I'm sending him. this to the lady you read for.

Yeah. What did she? Analyze that. What did she? Who put me in that? Who was the casting director in that? Click on to analyze that and he'll tell you. Okay. Give me a one second. And in fact, her assistant is now a big casting director here. Really? She put me in something about two years ago and she was casting Whitney. Oh, really?

Yeah. No, no, no. That being how life it works. That's crazy. I never thought that you'd read for something and you wouldn't be right for it and they go he's not right for this but he's right for other things well i always thought i was it's a bullshit cover-up story yeah but you know when somebody is telling you the truth you'll get the handle for it not your agent you when you're walking out of the room there's times that the producers already have somebody yeah but she's trying to save them 200,000 dollars you understand me you go in there and do a good job but it ain't enough to say you from $200,000.

Ellen Chenoweth? Ellen Chenoweth. Click on to Alan Chenow. You know who that is. See who Ellen Chenoweth's daughter is the girl that was in Wicked. Look at Ellen Chenoweth what she's

casted. Read them out loudly. Okay, do you want to start from the top of the bottom? Whatever you want. Just read a ton of them. She's a savage, Alan Chenoweth. And mostly the Niro movies. Oh, yeah, a lot of Oh, brother, where are they'll analyze that? Montelisa's smile

Analyze this, the horse whisperer, wag the dog Lolita affliction No, no, no, no, she's happy duty, bro. I kept in touch her daughter, who's her daughter? A Bronx tale. Who's her daughter? A Bronx tale is great. Who's her daughter? I'm still going down. Terms of endearment. Come on, no, no, no. I can't be with it. Her daughter.

Yeah, no, no. Britney Chenoweth? No, no, no. No, I don't need to talk. Don't worry about who the fucking mother's... No, no, no, no, no. This is, uh, go to, is it got, no. She has 84 credits. That's crazy. Keep going up.

Keep going up. And then Kristen. Full bio. Kristen Genoweth. Find out, click Kristen Chenoweth. She's the one that started, uh, Wicked, I think. Wicked was the big, biggest play on Broadway. Kristen Chenoweth is in Wicked.

Am I right? I don't know. Click it. I didn't click it. Click it. There's no one of click. Oh. Maybe I'm wrong.

Let me see. But that, those men. those stupid tapes that I did for $500. He sent him to Ellen Chenoweth. I can't analyze that. Really? That's how he always knew what was... And I would bang it out.

Listen, man, I remember being in a fucking New York. Doing stand, doing comedy of fucking rascals and him calling me going, do you have any tapes of you? And I'm like, yeah, he goes, bring a tape over to... What's his name? They're casting a show called The Sopranos. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know how to sing.

Instead of dropping the tape off the Sopranos. I dropped the tape off at like Roger Paul and two other bummy fucking comedy. I can't sing. Can you believe that? That's how strong Jeff Gettlin was, bro. Jeff Gettlin got me out for, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I remember one time Jeff Gatlin had these guys put together a game show around me. where I was the host and you had to burglarize somebody's house and fucking, it was just crazy. And they got sold to NBC because they were getting ready for the strike. This was crazy.

And Joe came with me. This is 97, 98. 2000, 2001. We were doing something one night. I go, Joe, I got a fucking call back. You got to drive me. And he was pissed. We went.

He walked in there with me. He showed me how to do that. That's how cool that motherfucker. He was already host to Fear Factor. And he's like, let me show you how to do this. And I did it. And then they went with a fucking black dude, and then they

shot the pilot, and nope, nothing that. I ever called him racist? Had a black guy bringing in the houses. Something, a black dude, a fucking mixed dude. Yeah. Some shit like this. So what else has been going on in your life? Nothing, man. Just the

road. I think work too much. But my podcast's been doing really well. You release your podcast how many times a week? Once a week on Wednesday. Just one podcast a week. I did it. I did. There was a period where I was doing two a week and I just noticed that I was losing, my ratings were cutting in half. Like it wasn't, like if I'd released it on Wednesday, I released it every night at Tuesday at like 6 p.m. So that it's out there Wednesday morning for everybody. Because that's a word of Libson kind of like cuts, does it cut off. But, uh, and I also kind of

fine-tuned it. You know, it's so funny, my biggest podcasters is we're always when you'd come over and we party. Me, Ralphie, me, Tommy, Tommy, and my dad. Me and Tommy and Burr, me and Ari and Renazizi. Like, those are my biggest podcasts. So I kind of just looked at the numbers and I was like, well, shit, if those are the biggest ones, I'll just keep doing that.

So I was like, all right. So now, if I do my podcast, I do it. Monday nights at 830 is when I, I tape it and we just have a few cocktails. One of my finest moments in podcasting, believe it or not, had nothing to do with me. I got a call one night that we're going to go over to Bert Christ's house. Burke calls me to his house.

He invites me over. He's very gracious. And he goes, come over at a certain time. I'd like for you to do a podcast. At the time I thought Bert was Johnny Professional. I get over there 20 minutes too early. He invites me into his man cave. He offers me something.

We sit there. He gave me that weed from, that you liked the sativa from Betsy Crocker or whatever. Phyllis Diller? You even bought a joint. He was very crazy. We sat there and waited for Ralphie.

Hey, we got a call about 8.15 saying that Ralphie was coming up over the hill. I remember you going, Christher. He's not coming over there. Anyway, listen to me. It's 9 o'clock and I go, listen, call him again and ask him where he is. So now he calls again.

You call him, you call him, you call him. I go, Bert, I think that's a reality that we might as well stop this. And also the phone rings. And Ralphie Mae's like, I'm stuck on Laurel Canyon. I'm just pulling up. I'm by a gas station. There's a pie place across the street.

I'm talking about Laurel Canyon. and what he's close to and Bert directs him to where he goes but anyway I got there to call at 8 the podcast was supposed to start at 8 it's 10 the fucking 10 so Ralphie comes in smoking a vapor pen I'm sitting there with Bert we're having a blast

it's a great podcast we go back and forth finally it's it's 12 30 at night the girls are sleeping it's time to go we hug we walk out I walk I follow I follow Bird out. Right?

I follow Bird out. I don't know nothing. I can't see it night, so I'm going to follow the fucking leader. It's his house. But all of a sudden, I assume Ralphie's behind me, and I just hear,

bra-pa-papa-pa. And we both turned around in the shock, and there's Ralphie Lane and your daughter's dollhouse. It was a, it was a, it was a, it was, How's the doghouse? Oh, it was, it was destroyed. It was like a meteor hitting one of those Chinese villages. It was, and I remember me and Bert looked at each other and we could not laugh.

Listen, you could not laugh at your friend, okay? What are you talking about? No, no, no, there's, listen, there's certain situations when you laugh at your friend, you did something stupid. they gave you a Chinese instead of Italian you know but there's just certain times where something happens to a friend of yours and you cannot fucking look

was that time that time period has passed I guess no listen to me he falls what was it please it was it was it was a beach chairs it was beach chairs so like the kind that you can fold up and put into a sleeve and then open up and they turned into a chair and he fell on top of them and literally

like he didn't he wasn't hurt he wasn't hurt all he fucked them up all you heard is like you thought there was 40 kung fu-mastas in the room karate chopin wood you heard each karate chat

each peach of wood go down it looked like someone just destroyed a tent they were all flat oh my god and he was like oh play what was that I was like And by the way

They were cheapest shit They weren't like Super expensive That's why he went right through him Yeah he went right through him They were the fucking cheapest ones you could get And he's like play I don't give you a hundred bucks

For him I was like Ralphie they cost five bucks But he was Yeah he was Fucking high shit Walking out of that house We had to pick him up Yeah That's no picnic

I was like I'm gonna get the car drive home We're like Are you sure So the whole time I'm walking out with him, and I got that ball of laughter stuck. Like, it's right behind my heart. That yell I was supposed to let out. Like, there was a yell when that happened at that point.

That I was supposed to let out that I did not let out. And I just wanted to go in my car. I just wanted to get to my car. And he kept to ask, well, what are you doing tomorrow? Meet me at the Country Club. We'll get the kids swimming and all this show on my Ruffering. I got to go. I got to go to the bathroom really bad.

Listen, guys, I got in the car. That door wasn't shut four minutes. And I just let out laughter. It was just incomprehensible. I'm starting the car sideways. Like, I was like, ah! As I got around the call and I called Bert. He wouldn't answer the toe.

Ask Bert, was that the funniest fucking thing? It was. You had ever seen your life. I'm still laughing from, because Bert and I, and him were walking out very, like, Janace, quah. Like, it was no big deal. We're just walking out of here. Like, we walked out of here a thousand times.

And all of a sudden, you hear, blah, pa, pa. Oh, we were on the, like, like, I remember, I remember getting done that and sitting in the man cave and just, and looking at that chair just going, how do I explain that to the girls? I've had so many, I've had so many, I've had so many, Run-ins with Ralphie that I that are making me laugh so hard. I mean, my favorite one is we went, uh, he's gonna hate that I'm saying this. We went to, uh, I really love the first story.

Oh my God. He, I know what Ralphie's saying in his head right now in this story. We go to, uh, we do, uh, Atlantis with Paul and Young Ron. And Ralphie and I are, are the comedians. Ralphie's headline and I'm kind of open. I'm not kind of open. I'm definitely opening for him. I'm doing 20 minutes.

Ralphie's doing an hour. So every fucking night we go out to dinner. Every night we go out to dinner, Ralphie orders a fucking grab bag of beautiful stuff to eat and he pays for it every fucking night. So the last night, Leanne's like, hey, we got to put our credit card down.

We can't let Ralphie pay. He's paid for like fucking five meals. So like lunches too, you know? so uh so we go to noho we go to noho I think some whatever the not noho

Subu Subu Sobu Whatever the sushi restaurant in that place is We go there And I stopped the lady Before we even get the meal I go hey give her my credit card I go the big guy doesn't pay

She's like okay So she comes up with a bill at the end of the night And she hands it directly me And Rafi goes play I got that And I was like no Ralphie I already paid And he starts giggling Harder shit and he goes oh you don't want that player you don't want that I was like Ralphie no I got it I got it

I open it and I see the bill and it's $1,200 and I go and he sees my eyes realize I can't afford it like he's like I can't afford it I can't afford it I'm featuring I can't afford it no one can afford it he sees my eyes and he starts laughing this Ralphie laugh and then Leanne says how much is it and I go shut the fuck up that's how much it is And Ralphie goes, oh, play, you just done fucked up. You should have just let me pay for it. I wasn't willing to spend what we paid for in a tip. Like the tip was fucking $240.

I wasn't willing to spend that. And then I went, and the first thing I did I went out right out to the bank machine, and I pulled out $1,000 and put it all black and lost. I fucking went down like $4,000 that night. And then I got into a huge fucking fight. And then Ralphie's, I said it on radio one time, Ralphie's like, player, we didn't eat 1,200 pounds of sushi, $1,200 of sushi. You drank $1,000 for the booze, and we had $200 for the sushi.

I was like, I don't know, Ralphie. It's probably somewhere like four and eight. They were bringing out dolphins. Like, this is all we got left. Let me tell you something. I told Lee the other night when Ralphie first hit, it was very fun to see. He's the sweetest guy in the world, man. Listen, when he was broke, he was doing some amazing things.

I've always loved that kid. Yeah. We were talking last night about Houston food. And I said, listen, you guys, they were talking about queso. And I'm like, I'll tell you one, don't even bother. And they go, why not? You're being negative. You know why?

Because I hung out with Ralph and when he first moved here. And there was 10 of them from Houston. And they would get together every night. This was when Doug gave Ralphie the apartment on Gardner. Doug Stanhope had an apartment on Compton. Gardner? No. The apartment on the street where 7-Eleven is on Sunset Boulevard.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. The 7-Eleven. The block after that was Nick DePaolo and Mitch Hedberg lived on that block. The block after that was Ralphie, the block after that was Josh Wolf. In 1998, that's how it was.

All right, that's how it was. He was on Kirsten or something like that. Then there's Del, whatever. And then there's Gardner. That's where Ralphie lived, and Vista is where Josh Wolf lived. This was a great comedy neighborhood. And let me tell you something.

As broke as he was, Ralphie, he would leave the comedy store and invite you to his house. And he would deep fry a turkey in the backyard. You'd be eating deep fried turkey at 5.30 in the morning with mashed potatoes and stuff and play you. Yeah. He would go back to his house and cook for us. I was telling Lee, they used to drive to Houston 24 hours straight to bring back Bloody Mary mix.

And what's the beer they drink? Shinerbach. Shinerbach, yeah. That's how crazy they were. because Jody, Celine, rest her soul, Stacey, she died recently about six months ago, rest of soul.

They were all friends of Ralphie. Yeah. Ralphie knew Stacey from the comedy club. Celine let Ralphie stay with her while. They were getting ready to move to L.A. And Jody's a comic from Houston, and they all drove up. After that, John Wesleyan came up with him.

John Wesley. After that, a bunch of other Houston comics came up and they had their own little community. Really? And they would get together and it was always the same argument. Oh, I went to this fucking place. It says Texas barbecue. The place sucks.

I said, give it up. When you go to Texas, that's when you eat barbecue. When you're here, you're just going to get ripped the fuck off. You're not going to. My wife, she's from the South like your wife. Nobody complains more than that. So when she tries to hit me with something, I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're from the South. Correct. do we go to that barbecue place? No, because it's terrible. Same fucking difference. That's why I don't want you cooking Cuban food. We were in Tampa Airport. We went to La Columbia in Tampa Airport.

And I said to Leanne, I said, you know, I know it's an airport, but this is legit Cuban food. Like, we're in Tampa. They're not having, like, this is Cuban people making this food. And we had Cuban food. She had Picadillo, a roast compollo, and pork. not pie um Ropa Villa

and then we had croquettas and and Cuban sandwiches I bought it I just bought it all Spanish rice and white rice

and black beans and Leanne got so fucking into it for her birthday the other day she was like I want Cuban food so we went to La Tiberna Cubana have you been there?

Oh La Colette Yeah yeah Oh, yeah, it's not the best. It's not the best. You got a call next time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As soon as you walk in there, you smell the food, how bad it is.

I took Lee in there one time we walked out. Wasn't it you and I? I don't think that was me. Me and Jerry Rocha walked in there. They took a little too long until they get to the table. And before they got to the table, I go, I think we should get out of there. So one day I had a Uber, like a regular driver.

He picked me in Lee up for getting high with Doug. and he gave me his number and I called him for an airport run when they I left my phone his car and I called him he goes I'm right around the corner he said he was a Cuban dude while now a lady comes back with my phone but he also brought me a Cuban sandwich

from that place he was god awful it was yeah it's not Cuban bread the only the only thing I've ever gotten there was chicken and rice right a rose compilion it was it it's not bad to me it tasted

it okay? Because it's only chicken and rice but they probably didn't do it right. No, no, they didn't. No, because Rose Campoyo isn't the way they say that the way they do it is a little different than when the way I had it in Tampa growing up. In Tampa growing up there was a presentation to it.

You know? The red peppers on the sides over the sides and they really want to dope it up some plantains around the side. The gooey ones, not the hard ones. Yeah, the gooey ones are the best. That's what they usually call. for you know if you're gonna go to eat Cuban food in this area I'll tell you what to

go and what to get where where do we go around here you go over the hill to Silver Lake to a place called and Cochinito a Cochinito go to the menu Lee Al Cochinito and you get yourself two Piccadillo is my favorite it's good there Piccadillo's good there but my favorite this is the place I used to cater my wedding really you understand me what's the name of this place again got Chinito, but what I did was, I only got the pork chunks with the white rice and the black beans, smoking, smoking. Really?

But I took my wife this last time on date night, and we ordered the Cuban fried rice. Listen, if you like East Coast fried rice, get the fried rice in this place. Really? Jesus Christ, oh, my. 500 reviews, four stars. I'm in. I'm going there tomorrow. You're helping too. You're worse than my little fucking Christ killer over here.

He goes on Yelp for it. He can't even go to the bathroom without yelping. They have some bathrooms on Yelp. Look at them. What's the lunch special tomorrow, Lee? Arocomboa, picardillo, ground beef with potatoes and olives, and frihole, I call it out, red beans. Oh, shit.

We might be doing road trip. I kind of want to go with you guys. You got a late-night flight. I can't go in the morning That's the best time to go But at 1.30 it'd be We could leave here At 1.30 be down there

I'm supposed to be in Anaheim tomorrow For what? That's not happening We're going to get Cuban for Call Anaheim Tom The conference has been canceled If they want a conference They got to pay you

They got to come over here to see you In fact, as a matter of fact You're on conferences We speak right now The next one is September 8th Over here at the holiday and Express.

You'll be doing your own conference on podcasting. What's that? Is that? $500 for these fucking jerk calls to come and learn nothing from people who haven't done dick. Are you doing a podcasting event? No, I'm on, I'm just going to... Oh shit.

Thursday's Condé with a Polly Asan on Friday. Invited me. His paella, Valencia. Paella is a fucking amazing. And Chuleta's pork chops. Every, every day. Fucking kidding me. Every day at our high school.

We had the Palomia. Remembering this. Every day. Every day we have Polymium. How can you have that in fucking high school? Every, because we had Cuban cooks. All Cuban women. I, man, I must have eaten that.

I must have had, because you could get, you could get, every day you can get black beans and rice. No matter what was they or serving, they always made black beans and rice. And they always made, like, once a week, there was, every meal we had was Cuban food for all, because it was all Cuban women. cooking in our kitchen. So every day you can get black beans and rice. No matter what it was, spaghetti, you still could get black beans and rice. And the Palomia, you could always get that. Man, I must have had that every day.

And then you had crispy cream donuts in the morning. Just, and brand new crispy cream donuts. Well, they were warm? No, not warm, but they were fresh. Like, they weren't still yet. Dude, I used to light those motherfuckers up. And number two, not to change this concept of the pot, but we're talking about food or whatever.

just to get this wrapped up. You also have, listen, I did the Rogan podcast, man, between you and I as friends and Lee and the church people who listened to it and whatever you liked it. I was kind of ashamed by it. I was kind of ashamed that Rogan let it go.

But hold on. That Rogan let it go there. But I could have done that on Tom Siguero's podcast. I laughed. I was on the trip. Hold on. I'm going to stop you. I was on the treadmill.

So I said, when the Rogan's podcast started, I said, this is going to be three plus hours of of something I'll want to see. Three of my favorite human beings just bullshit and getting high and drinking. And I was like, I'm in. So I said, I got on the treadmill and I'm going to start

watching. And there was a slow build. The first hour was like a slow build. Not even an hour, 30 minutes. It was like, you know, getting warm. Everyone's getting a little bit of a buzz. Man, there was a part where I'm holding on to the sides of my treadmill, doubled over laughing, and I started

tweeting Joey Diaz is killing me right now. Killing me. I was on the treadmill for the entire fucking podcast. Walking and running, not running the whole time, but walking and running. So I'm listening. It was one of my favorite, it was one of my favorite podcasts I've ever listened to. You were so funny that I called Tom, right? So with the conversation we were having about later, I called Tom immediately when I was

after I was like, that. I was like, tell me about it. Like, just tell me about it. He was like, Joey's. The fucking next level, man. He's the funniest guy that we know. We are. We've been doing this for six years now.

Yeah. You know, this is what I do two nights a fucking week. And I'm trying to write a book. So these memories are fresh in my mind. These crazy fucking things I bring up from the dead and I go, oh, my God. You know, I was telling me, I was telling my wife today that at my mom's funeral. at the wake, her best friend, with white powder in her nose. There's 200 people on the thing.

It's the second night. And she goes, I got to tell you something. I don't like half the people in this fucking room. And I go, sorry. And she goes, I'm telling you. And your mother didn't like them either. She went up by the casket. And in broken English, she's like, can I have your attention, please?

And she goes, listen, enough or nothing. I see a lot of you people having a good. time drinking. There's a lot of people in this room that you didn't like DeNora and DeNora didn't like you. Do me a favor. Finish your drink. Get the fuck out of here. I got shit

for days that I sit here and go what the fuck just happened. That's the thing about you that makes you different than that I think... But then again, you met with... What's his name? You're the fucking whatever for a thesis for a book.

You were the number one party kid in fucking Tampa, Florida and shit. People are driving up eight hours just to have a drink with you some shit. Yeah, but I'm not but yeah. The thickness of your life matters. You know, on stage, I talk about how

I had a childhood. Even though my mom died and stuff, I still remember going to Dunkin' Donuts by White Castle and putting my dick on the glass. Going to the counter putting my dick on a glass and ordering donuts and then ordering a donor from underneath

and the lady would see your dick that's childhood no matter what was going on in my fucking life you know I'm glad I'm glad I wasn't one of those kids that came out to L.A. and at 27 had a lot of heat and everyone was like

I mean I did have a lot of heat at 27 but I'm glad I wasn't the guy that like can I like not to but like I'm glad that I had to struggle and then I got had to that I didn't, that I'm glad about that. That when we all got into podcasting,

we were all looking for something, and we were hungry for something, and we all did something at the right time for us. And if, look, if this podcasting goes away tomorrow, I'm cool with that. I'm cool with that. I'm cool with this. Yeah.

I'm cool with that. I learned a big lesson. I learned a very big lesson, and I had assumptions, and this is something that you cannot doubt me out. because I have my friend over then and I'll tell you every assumption I had, what are you looking at this cup for? Like you're a guy in the desert, you never seen water for.

Every assumption I've had with you has come true, especially when it's come to podcasting. I saw the growth. I was on the road. You're on the road. You see the interest. Yeah. You see the interest.

The number one thing people say to me is, hey, thank you for the free content. All the time. I was driving a forklift, and I listened to you. you and Joey Diaz for three hours, and you guys got me to lunch. And you're like, dude, fuck, dude. Tremendous.

Yeah. Tremendous. That's the best compliment I can get. I've been in New York City about to take the ferry. This is great. I went and did an opium, whoever, Sam. And I fucking take a cab to whatever. And I'm staying and we hawking.

So I take the ferry home. When I'm out there, it's freezing. And something that goes, hey, I'm listening to you right now. And we start talking. It's the greatest feeling in the world. We start talking. And he goes, you wouldn't happen to have one of those stars of death on you.

And I go, you know what? It's your lucky day, motherfucker. Listen, this kid lit up. I still had it. I just found this card about three months ago in my draw. I have a card clip. He's like, listen, you and Joe Rogan never want a fucking box at a jet game. And he gave me his card.

And it was like, New York Jets. And I was like, wow. I showed Rogan. Yeah. Like a Rogan if you ever, you know, Rogan don't want to go to a fucking jet game. So it was just crazy that this guy

went to go to the fucking Jets. He was about to go to work. He had two cell phones in his fucking hand. But you could tell the dude with somebody, nice suit, and he stopped what he was doing. And he was like, hey, what about this one

that I told Rogan the other day? I've done some crazy. Listen, some weird shit has happened. Yeah. In the last five years that even I have been blown away. The family who came up to me in front of Tom Cigura in Portland, a family. A mom with her three daughters going, we listen to your podcast. And the little girl's like, yeah, cock sucking.

I'm like, oh, my God. Was three weeks ago, and I went to get this haircut. Went to Jiu Jitsu. I took like a Puerto Rican shower. I wiped down with that thing. I went to the clean jihitsu, where it's always really clean. I got two different places some weeks. Yeah.

And I went over and I got a heckup, but it was 245. 245. I'm fucking, you know, my head cuts at three. Yeah. I can't come all the way home. It's right by poros. I'm right by poros. The line's too long.

I don't even have time to wait for a fucking sandwich and get to the bar, but I'm watching, and there's fucking hundreds of people walking in Magnolia between. Magnolia is dead. all the way up to Portos and then from Portos for about a half a mile. It's rocking in the daytime. They got a Cuban coffee shop and Gotarito.

They got a pie place. They got a... There's a Red Wing shoe place. There's a... What's that place? Is it in the makeup store they have? That they have plans outside? Don't they have like a famous donut place or something?

Ely gets her hair cut around there. Something. So I went over there and I parked right on Magnolia. and you know I'm a fucking savage. You know I'm a savage. What do you think I do? I got 15 minutes to kill.

I gotta get a hair cut. This is the first time in there. I'm a little nervous. I know the chick. Let a number. You know I did. I put the air on and I open up the windows. I'm watching these white people in Burbank

looking around for who's smoking and I'm blowing clouds out of the sunroof. With the fucking air blast. You understand? With the music on, like nobody's even, in the car and I'm sitting there like an undercover cop you know me I got tactics I'm a nice burglar there's just smoke coming out there's no no no no when I got the air on and then from time to time I open up the back window and it was right on the corner it was right on the corner

so people across the street yeah could smell it roe dropping up the windows so now I leave the windows down after the joint was done I put it back in the tube the perennial gives you a tube I put it back in the tube and I put it in the door handle so when I walk out I take it with me and dump it on the fucking in the garbage so I sit in the corner 10 minutes boom it's 3 o'clock I pull up the windows the cars all air and out

I spray it from breeze and I walk across the street I walk to the corner I don't even walk out of my car and jaywalk because Burbank they're kind of weird yeah yeah Burbank they see you you're looking at your phone you're getting two tickets don't

fuck around on Magnolia Jack Oh, yeah. By the 7-11, that's where they kill you. They weigh that that light. And you know when you're at a light like this? What's the first thing you're doing when you're on a light? You're fidgety, right?

Yeah. You got 12 fucking clicks to the fucking guy puts his hand on it and it becomes a yellow. That means actually you got, from the time a fucking light turns yellow to red, it's three seconds. So if it says 12, if you go reach to your left and you go like this in Burbank,

Yeah. And you just to see what time it is, and that cop is over there, you're getting pulled over. Yeah. So, here I am reeking of fucking reefer. Reeking! I closed my car door, and I walked the proper way onto the sidewalk, and I walked on the crosswalk. Well, guess who's at the fucking cross?

Now I know that this don't smell like reefer, because I smell some frieze on me. But you always got that essence of patois. when you snoked a joint in your car, it just sinks into your clothing. With my luck, guess who stands next to me? Who the fuck do you think comes and stands next to me? Worse than a cop. Especially for guys like me and you,

because we understand where they're coming from. A kid. A mom with a kid, with a stroller, with a kid. embarrassed, and I feel like the biggest piece of shit junkie there is. I really needed to smoke a joint.

And I'm magnolia. Really, Joey? Yeah. Really, Joey? Fifty-four years old. And I'm standing, I look up, and there's like 92 clicks left. Like, I'm not going anywhere. She's standing next to me.

She's going to smell the weed with her kids. She's going to comment. I would. I would. It's fucking two o'clock. Really, Joey? You really got to be high at fucking two o'clock? Do you know that we take ten steps together?

She looks over at me. and I see her take a double look. And by the time we get to the sidewalk, I walk over first to let her in. You know, if you have a child, you have to go to that sideway. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the whole time she was looking at me,

and she goes, hey, man, I love you on the Joe Rogan podcast. And I literally shit my fucking pants. She smelled the reefer. That's why she was smiling. Oh, do you know how good I felt? That's the first time of a woman. That's a redeeming. Really?

A guy like me. Anybody who comes up and says, hey, I see you on a podcast like the sucky dick. That would be the ideal situation. And this woman was a Burbank mom. Yeah. Do you understand me? I understand you. You understand you.

I understand you. When she looked at me and smiled like, wow. This is... Burbank is the expensive part of the valley. Yes. That's where when you live, it's Burbank to Luke Lake. I had no idea. I didn't know.

And like those little small houses are astronomical prices. First of all. tomorrow we'll get high and we'll take a clicker with us see how many houses are for sale in burmack we'll take a lot people don't sell the house in birmingham because it's a great school district amazing school it's like the people don't sell it's insane where joey and i live people are buying houses for two million dollars that's how good the school district is and like and like and we're in the cheap of that like we're not living in those mansions i'm renting i'm renting and I love it

and we look around and we're going to find the right fucking thing one day and we're going to catch somebody asleep. Yeah. That's it. Either that or we're praying for an earthquake. Once the earthquake hits, these motherfuckers run out of here.

They didn't get it in 94. We're building a pool. We're not going anywhere. You are going under the ground? Leanne is fucking happy. She's happy. She's got the car she wants. She's got the house she wants.

The girls are happy. They love their high school, their middle school. I think they're going to go to private school. I think they're both going to go to private school next year. Why? Because George is going to go to high school, and North Hollywood High School isn't the best high school.

I think there's like a zoo magnet that's really good. I don't know. I'm only listening, but I think Leanne wants them to go to this private school that are friends, kids. Right now you work very hard. You go on the road, you earn every dollar. You get the podcast. You got your little TV shows.

When you were 25, Did you ever think that you were going to be coming home to support a family and not blink and I? When that was 25, you couldn't get a dollar out of me. I didn't give a fuck of you with my wife and that was my kid. Do you understand me? I'm the one that was digging trenches. At 28, I loosened up. We're in London.

I'm doing a show in London. I'm doing a podcast in London. I fly the girls over, right? In like a sofa bed on New Zealand air. Like I fly them over. Not first class. in a nice thing. I fly over first class, right?

I get us a driver. We go out to go see this castle with our friends and we go up to this little inn on the Thames River on the way to go to this castle we're going to and the driver hops out and I'm getting ready to hop out

and Leanne stops me. She goes, take two seconds and feel really proud of yourself. I said, why? She goes, your silly little jokes afforded all of this. Like just you coming up with silly jokes. You just, and you know,

it's one of the things I love about Stanhope is like, I had that moment where I went like, oh yeah, man, I just, I just have like a, I just, I think I'm a good person. I think that's number one. That's why I work.

You know, I'm a good person. But I do, I like being silly and I like giggling. I like having a good time. But I, and I had a great moment that I thought, not only can I afford to pay for their lunch,

but I can pay, I can afford this trip off of stand-up, off of stand-up comedy. And then I called Stanhope one night. It was one of my favorite Stanhope stories, and it's not a great story, but it's just, it's nuanced. I think if you're a comic, you get it. I call it Stanhope. I'm sitting in the Man Cave. I'm having a cocktail.

Every now and then we'll just call and just talk for a little while. I just called him up and I go, hey, what are you doing? He's like sitting out outside the fun house, having a cigarette, having a vodka. in our pajamas, just trying to think of some goofs. I said, what? He goes, just thinking of some goofs, you know, something like goofs, like goofy things? I go, you're 50,

and your life consists of sitting around in your pajamas having a cocktail thing in a goofs. I go, that is the fucking dream job right there. It's being 50 years old and just sitting around and daydreaming about something that's silly, you know? It's the best. If you said dream job,

is you on Rogan the other day and you go was changing flavors when I heard that I was doubled fucking over

and I went that's no I mean that's for anyone else that's no job but that's your job oh it's the fucking I might be too fucked up

to have these thoughts I'll never forget that teacher like I farted it's changing flavors I farted and it took over the bus for about 20 minutes right

and it was those windows that you had to open up this way. With the two things. You had to pitch them and drop them. That never worked. And they had the windows open and they're like this. It's changing flavors. They're smelling out the window, right? Oh my God. They're going, oh, that's terrible. Half of the

people going like this, right? So then it settled down for like 20 minutes. And about 20 minutes later, my stomach is fucking hurting. It's on fire. I'm like, oh my God, I can't thought again. And all of a sudden I felt that warm air.

slip out of my head. And I was on the outside seat. It was two men per seat. And the guy next to me never even said it's coming from here. I paralyzed them or something. They're nervating.

Oh. So listen to me. The beauty of this was that so that the first fart took over for about 20 minutes. They were like actually. Cheese changing flavor.

There's the beauty of it that, like, one by one that we're going. What flavor was the first one? It was death. The first time. So now they're taking their hands off, and this is what I remember. I never forget that. They were like, is it safe? Like, oh, my God, it's a smell.

It's happening. The chili is in the front of the bus. They're like, oh, that was so bad. And we're in the back. And some of the guys, they're doing. And, you know, there was a dude like Mutz. He was like 300. pounds and all he ate was

mozzarella cheese he was the first one they were looking at God rest his soul you know there was a couple dudes that were a little chubby you know at that time I was 140,

148 it didn't really look like it'd come out of me I just ate like a bad stakem yeah a bad star mistakeums oh my god and next thing you know

I feel that warm air coming out of my ears what do you feel it coming out it's a scary here's the funny thing that it was quiet for about two minutes And listen, you hear something go, oh, no.

And people like, no, no, open the way. And also the teeth just smelt and he goes, he's changing flavors. It was terrible. And next thing you know, it was bad. This one was like the thickness of it. I dropped three of them that night. That was the second one. The second one had them going fucking bananas.

Like, oh, no, bus driver, please pull over. I'm going to get sick. Like that shit. Like that type of shit. And the people are saying, puke in your bags if you need to puke. And I'm sitting there howling. And in howling,

I drop another one. Like, I gave them a 20 minute breather in between the first and the second one. This one was a trembler. I hit him with one. And like six minutes later, they got the core of the asshole. And they could not deal with it.

The cheer ears were crying. It's not going to. stop. It's not going to stop. Maybe it's not the... They started blaming on the engine. It's the engine. They were blaming it. They were blaming it on everything they could. Till this day, those people

don't know that it was my juicy asshole. They don't know. The only reason why I didn't say that was me is because the Chile is. You're a fucking freshman. Yeah. I'm going to be known for the kid who stunk up the bus by all those girls. No of those girls are going to date me. So I couldn't

come out and say, I'm the guy. If that was just a bus filled with football guys, oh my God, I would have pulled my own finger. I would have got up and lit my asshole on fire. That's what happened. The second time, he goes, oh, no, he's changing flames. Oh, that fucking man. And he held on to his face.

Stop saying, man. I was on the treadmill, and I grabbed onto both the handlebars on the side and was double over laughing. It's funny because you're watching Joe lose his shit, Tommy lose his shit, and you're oblivious to the fact that it's that funny. I took the comic to Brea. When I was booking Brea on Wednesday nights,

Vinnie Lightbobs, aka Vinnie Coppola, moved to North Hollywood, and I bumped into him, and I asked him if he had a gig, and I gave him in front of Vinny, I told the story about that place in Tennessee. But I went on stage and the chick was, the husband was. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then she blew me and then she went back in. You told me that story one night, but not on a podcast, just talking. Like, who does that happen to? Man, not me. First of all, who goes to Knoxville, comedians and studios? I like that club. I'd never been to that club, but I've seen it because it's a new club. No, the old one, the one that was like that white box or that box?

This was, when I was there, I was in a hotel. It belonged to Huff. Oh, okay. It was a two-nighter. It was a Friday. Heffron in? Haff from Charlotte. Yeah, yeah, I don't know that guy.

All those guys. Yeah, creative entertainment. Their brothers or something? I don't know. I don't know what the deal was. When I moved to LA, there was a manager here that I signed with, and he had just left creative. Yeah. They were huge because they had carrot top.

They were huge. He was huge at that time. They had just shot the movie, and the three guys were like, we can't fight over Carat Top. So let's just split them three ways and went apart, you know. they got greedy because there was three guys and they one of them said we should manage them and of course because it's three guys they want the big deal the big deal it's not about like getting this career off the ground you know bert you said something interesting Joe Rogan has been saying it for 20 years ralphie said it to me today when I spoke with him

and I realized it six years ago with stand-up comics I was a mediocre stand-up comic that I started this podcast. Mediocre at best. I was a funny guy that didn't know how to organize anything, and I started listening to Rogue, and I started going back to the comedy store. Six years, I've been back, five years, whatever it is. I started watching DeLea and Sebastian and Ron White and Chappelle.

And, you know, I remember going to Columbus the first time for Justin and just eating a bag of dicks the whole weekend. And he didn't book me for a year, Drew. And I'm like, I know why, because I ate. bag of dicks. I wasn't really headlining. Now, we got it down. Now it all came together at the same time. The stand-up,

the form, the fucking technique, now you add this aspect to it. You add the aspect of coming on to a podcast telling your point of view about something, but at the same time explaining why you're saying that point

of view. You lived it. You have to give it a chance and let it breathe for a few days. You can make assumptions, you know. It's like what happened today. Shocked the fucking world. I mean, shock me. I had just gotten some weed, and I put it in front of the heater to dry.

I left it in front of the heater to dry, and I went to take Mercy Swimming. And while I'm sitting there watching Mercy Swimming, I'm like, I forgot to take the heater off. So while they were showing, getting dressed, I ran home. The heater was off. I was so high, I forgot that I fucking turned it off. Yeah. But as I was walking out legal. called me and said that John Jones had been whatever with the steroids.

It was a kick to my fucking stomach. It was a kick to my fucking stomach, you know. I went back. My wife was putting mercy in the call. I got to tell you something when you get in here. I'm going to believe this. You know, we were both cheering for him. Yeah.

We both believe something, you know. And I was disappointed. and my wife couldn't fucking believe it and she was like how could this happen and then we went to eat and a friend called

and she was just going on she's like I finally believed him blah blah blah blah pop and you know he's in his fucking 20s bird I think if you threw a million dollars at me when I was in my 20s

I was going to show up at 6 o'clock in the morning somewhere I hope you don't really believe that I really hope you don't believe that when I was 27 if you gave me $20,000 and said I had to be somewhere at 8 in the morning that I was going to be there

My 20s were a fucking disaster I don't know about you Lee was a little bit more controlled He didn't take as many chances To some people I went crazy Like looking at me from what I did Like the stuff I've done I would never thought I would do that stuff

At all What like the acid? Yeah that stuff and then like stand up and that stuff. Life is an experience, man. It's so weird. Nothing happens to you do it, you know? Yeah.

Like you could sit there and read all the books you want about scumbags who did this and you're buying into that bullshit. Meanwhile, you're sitting there reading about somebody else's fucking life, you fucking moron. You know, we were talking about the other day how we grew up in the areas we grew up and I'd like to figure out

how many people actually left our area. Why I came from? Not many. No, why it came from, they either went to Miami, and when they do vacation, they go to Miami or Atlantic City. That's the big weekend, the AC. Some of them left for, I wouldn't have left if I had family. I would have never left if I had family. I had no family.

I had a chance to fucking get up and get up and get on. Stand-up got me to leave. I was like, I can't do stand-up in Florida. I was just going to stand-up stand-in Florida. I'll be funny, I'll get a radio gig, and I'll just stay in Florida. Like, I'll never leave. And I won't be ever run my own radio show, because I don't have that kind of interest in that. I'll just be the third bank of God.

And I would have ended up so fucking hacky. And thank God I left. You're lucky because the warrants got me to leave. Really? The warrants, a couple of loan sharks. I had no, I had no fucking clue. Then I left, made it out of there. Nobody said nothing.

I went back and got more and got greed. And I started fucking around with drug dealers. Yeah. In front from fucking drug dealers. And then I had a fucking leave. And I'm happy I did. Every time I go to San Francisco, the second day it destroys me. Really?

Yeah, because that's the first I went to Basalt. And then I lived in Basalt for a month and a half, and we were going to give up the house. And me and my buddy from Jersey moved to an apartment in snowmast. and we were there for a while. And then I started burglarizing the businesses and drug dealers in the area. And they got hot to me and I came back to Jersey.

By the way, for no one who's ever been to Aspen or Aspen is such a small community. Oh, please. It was terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible. It's like burglarizing in town of 1,200 people. I still remember Christmas Eve, 1984. There was an article that said, four businesses burglarized on Christmas Eve.

That was, me being at home feeling sorry for myself. I had a little package of Coke in my pocket. I go, let me go for a fucking walk and see who's out. I fucking go for a walk. I go to this. The only bar that's open on Christmas Eve, filled with losers. I'll never forget there was one guy playing the bongo. I'll not forget this is clear as day.

And a friend of mine took a bottle, shook it up, and shouted at the guy. Like, what the fuck is wrong with your life? That set the tone for the night. In those days, I used to drink Southern Comfort in Orange juice. It's called a tequila sunrise. No, no, no, it's called a Southern Sunrise. What are you, an American bar tenor? No, I've had that drink.

I had that drink one time. I had it at Malios. At this time, that was my drink. I was 19, maybe 20, and I do. Listen, I'm going to be honest with you. All the things I didn't like about drinking was, you come to me on a Tuesday night and go, Joey, I got enough money for an A ball.

Let's take it right. And I'm like, you know, I go fuck yourself. Give me a Southern Compton. Give me a second kind of Southern Conference. Give me a third Southern Conference. I'll do anything for you. So I would be a regular guy. And in those days, I would have three or four Southern Conference,

and I became fucking Coco. You know, I would leave there like a fucking savage. And I would have to rob something. like I would have to rob kicking the door something it was crazy there's one night I left this fucking place

it was like two in the morning it's fucking Christmas I got no girlfriend I live with a guy he's got a girlfriend they're gone I'm gonna go back and finish this package in my pocket I go let me see what the fuck's going on

and I kicked in like four doors and finally one door I found the safe You know what I did? I took the safe to go. In those days... Safe to go. Oh, in those days, safe for the go. You just grab the safe and walk out. I'm fucking one of those carts.

Oh, that's crazy. Then you take it home and bang on it for three hours. Like, you know what you're doing? Then you finally got to call around for a week until you've got to get a guy who knows how to have a blow torch with a shut. End up with those slippery fingers? Lee, are you asleep? No, I'm just, I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Like, how do you... like are you worried about the cops coming When I was a kid I watched the movie called Thief Yeah And it fucking molded me So I wanted to be a full-time thief So for a while I remember when I robbed Martin the Fag

You know how I did it Hell I fucking got those suction cups I thought I was fucking a pink panther I got suction cups Like an idiot Bird Christ you ready for this Yeah

Because you know me I was Johnny Mafia You learned to be a burglar on Move for movies Like you just like took all their tricks Huh He took all the tricks from movie burglars. Oh, my God.

Like, that's what you did? Put on fucking... I don't know. You are the thief. You are the highest I've ever seen you. No, this is nothing. For real? We're still doing the second half of the podcast.

We've got to eat some more stars. Oh, Jesus Christ, John. This is nothing. How long have we been going? Three hours. We should probably wrap it up. I have to work out in the morning. Let me tell you something.

I watch this movie. What movie? The Thief with James Conn, 1981. You never saw this, did you? Just one scene, I'll show you. And you go home and tell me, and you got to watch it. Just put it up. What scene?

Click it up on the fucking thing. Hey, what was the deal with Ellen Chenoworth? Is she Chris and Chenoward's? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're horrible. You're trying to eat all these things. We only ate what? You only ate six of them, Lee.

Stop from the planet. I ain't we more than six. How many did you? You gave me like eight. I ate like 12. Of course. Nah, I ate 10. That was it.

2,000. Just like, what are you doing? Are you sending a letter to the Navy? Try. So I watched this movie, and then I went back to Jersey and my friend turned me on to his friend

and he used to get me jobs to go to warehouses and case the joints out and let him know where the safe was and shit like that. The thief? English subtitles? Hold on.

Hold on. Was it a no? Pressing the Thief, James Kahn. With Capitol Letters, please. What are we in the first grade? There you go, there you go. No, just James Kahn. Click on to Badass.

Nobody ever saw this movie that won like Kans. Watch this. And I'm going to show you something else, too, guys. You're going to learn something from watching the scene. You know, I don't show you no fucking bullshit. Lee, I've been rocking your world all week. This is what's his name? You didn't get a delivery of something to sit down?

Zinc, what? Frank. And that was bullshit. What is it? This is Joe Gags. 185,000 of my money. We have this problem. What problem?

What are you talking about? Moving my merchandise. So the money in his pocket when he went out the window is my money. This is a plating company. What are you telling me this shit? Shit. I want my money. Hey, I don't know what you're talking about. Mr. Frank, uh, Lala. Whatever. Some guy died?

Yes. Your state goes to probate. Take it to probate court. What do you bug me with us? Come here to discuss a piece of business with you. And what are you going to do? You're going to tell me fairy tales? Hey, who the fuck are you, slick? Somebody knows you? What are you crazy or what? I don't know you. I don't know some clown-name gags. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go see what you got to do. Get out of here. Carl.

Go ahead. Get the fuck out of here. Hold. All right, all right. Jesus, you cry. Oh. Do what he says. Do what he says.

Lay down. Go ahead. Put your hands on your head. Spread your legs. Now. And you, you goof, look at the wall. I am the last guy in the world that you want to fuck with. You found my money on gigs.

Let us pretend. You don't know whose money it is. That's right, for Christ's sakes. I don't know who you are. Three hours. I will call the set of meat. You will pay me my money, $185,000. This is how the movie starts.

What was that time? This movie was fucking... The problem with this movie is it didn't hit the country. They came out on HBO. Wow. And it was on the same month as the raging. Bull and Hollywood

Knights. Click on to that one scene under his, you go all the way to the thing. The other one, the other direction. Yeah, click on to that. This movie will blow your fucking mind. And you're also going to who directed this, Lee.

You know who directed this? The guy that did Miami Vise, he's big time. He directed Heat. All he did when he wrote Heat was rewrite this. nobody saw it Michael Mann this is it he released this in 81

nobody saw it for what Marcel you're ripsy you remember my name now I can I not since the police spot does not hide to

many Puerto Ricans asshole I'm Italian I'm pleased to meet you ugly whop son of a bitch you mother You're a stand-up guy. You're a real stand-up guy. You got a mouth.

You can take a trimming. You could make things easy for everybody. But no. You got to be a goof. You're real good. No violence. Strictly professional. I'd probably like you.

Like to go to the track, ball games, stuff like that, you know? Frank, there's ways of... doing things that round off the corners. Make life easy for everybody. What's wrong with that? There's plenty to go around. We know what you take down. We know you got something major coming down soon.

But no. You gotta come on like a stiff prick. Who the fuck do you think you are? What's the matter with you? You got something to say, you're, uh... You waiting for me to ask you to dance. It never occurred to you To try to work for a living

Take down your own scores Okay, fuck this guy Tell you some I'm gonna be on your ass so much You're gonna get careless And on that day I'm gonna be in that place And that is the last place

That you want to be Because no matter what happens I will never Ever take a pinch From a greasy motherfucker like you You go out mother You, fucker, let's kill you right. It goes two ways, breath.

Get this asshole out of here. Cut them loose. Tony, guys, if you'll get the chance to watch this movie. From beginning to end. I want to watch it now. Who's it? Who's it? The cast.

The cast is death. The cast is Belushi's brother. And you ready for this one? Yeah. Uh, the country western singer. Go back to Thief for a second there, because, and the guys that lay down on the floor, when he told them, go back to scenes, like scenes from the YouTube that you had before. You know who's one of those guys that lays down? Dennis Ferrena.

Is that who that was? That's who it was. That's his first movies. No, no, not the guy that shakes him down and he calls a Puerto Rican to know that shit. Who's that? He was an actor that was around for that. I think he did a couple episodes of Miami Vice, but he was basically in a TV show that Michael Mand did called Crime Story.

What year was this? Which one am I looking at? 1981, the thief. James Khan. Okay, keep going down. James Conn. Keep going scrolling. Willie Nelson.

Yeah, Willie Nelson. James Belushi. Yeah, keep going. Dennis Farina. Scroll down, Lee. For a love of Christ. Hold on. Keep going.

Ending. Ending. On confrontation. You see it up there right in front of you? Upmore. Upmore, right there. The next one. There you go.

You're fucking... This what this competition do? Confrontation. There you go. I'm giving you some good fucking scenes here. This movie guys drove me fucking crazy. I was done. I wasn't going to go to college.

I wasn't going to do nothing with my life. I was gonna get a gun and figure out how to open up safes for 11. Yeah, this is one of the movies from the 80s. The problem with movies from the 80s is it takes a long time to get to where you're going. Yeah. Now, at this time, this guy sitting on the couch was big from Hill Street Blues.

You know, you ever see those movies that you look and you go, ah, that's an easy script. I could have wrote that. Yeah. This is one of those scripts that you're like, this was a pretty good fucking script. the fucking the way they

yeah no you can just tell who's that guy who's that guy right there he was anything shot in Chicago they used this yeah I know that guy he's all Chicago actors all those movies

they did the Stephen Wolf crew the Blue what is that the Breakfast Club all those movies they were doing brothers the Blues brother

Jesus Christ oh wow that seems a little bit much I would definitely thought I would know what are you gonna do sometimes you gotta have I have people in the head.

Look at the mother. She's like, you know what? I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. I'm not going to call nobody. I don't want to know nothing. I'm just going to sit here and watch my novella. He's gone.

Yeah, this movie had some scenes that you're like, Jesus. And Bert, it was on every night either in the same order. HBO didn't have a lot of money in 1982. This was an HBO movie? This was a movie that I first saw on HBO. Oh, wow. And I first started seeing this in HBO on like January of February of 82.

It was on every night followed by Raging Bull or Hollywood nights or they would flip-flop them. So every night I'd get home, the nights I wouldn't do blow, I'd get home. And me and Mike Brunney would walk down the Padmark with like 10 bucks, shoplift, 10 bucks worth of stuff. Go home, make milkshanks, eat a sandwich, and watch this. He's walking down a hallway. was I gone thank you Lee I forgot to narrate it

I didn't know I thought they could see it but unless you're home watching you can't see it Danny all you need to know is this weekend you're going to sit there with your thumb up your fucking ass

watching preseason football watch a film that's a classic 1981 the thief James Kahn Tuesday Weld Willie Nelson and Belushi's brother

and I got to tell you some Belushi's brother's fucking goodness I saw him on a plane one time and I was in a say something to him, but I said, you know what? I opened my mouth. Bye, yeah. Oh, shit. Grandpa had a gun, too.

Grandpa's always got a gun. That's all right. Grandpa's dog. All right, now fast forward to him walking outside. Right there. Kick it right there. All right, this guy just wakes up. He comes out of his fucking coconut. He shoots him first. Oh, I like the music. Oh, yeah. This is Tangerine Dream. They were fucking hot.

in the 80s, 70s. Look at my boy. Look at James Conn. Shooting like him up. Look at Dennis Farina's first movie. There you go. That little history for you, motherfuckers. I think Cota's silence

was his second movie with fucking Chuck Norris. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Bert Kreisian. Some fucking novice. Look at Dennis Farina. Beautiful head of hair. Oh, God, yeah.

Oh, no. He's got a bulletproof vest on. He ain't fucking around. He's James Conn, Jack. Yeah, Michael Mann was thinking of doing a part two to this Where he just rewrote it and turned it into heat Into the hedges Forina's first death in a movie

If I ever have to do a top ten movie podcast This will be in the top ten And I'll blow your fucking mind throughout this movie Oh, Bulletproof vest Told you. He had the best time. This guy came prepared He was ready for war, this motherfucker Zombie Farina Listen, dog, he paid his wife to leave, the baby to leave.

He blew up all his businesses. He became a zombie. He has a suitcase in the back of that car with cash, and he's going somewhere to fucking hide. He's done. He was robbing for himself, making a gay living. He got in bed with some fucking jerkoffs. They tried to rob him.

He said, I'm getting my money from him. They got pissed off, and that's the end of the movie. He walks away so much. like Michael Jackson and 77. You know what I'm saying? I like that gym shop. Listen for you fucking savages.

I will be at the Ontario Improv Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. My brother here, Mr. Burke Kreischer, will be at Stand Up Live. Got it. In Phoenix, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. First show Thursday,

8 o'clock, listen, that's the best show of the night. You're going to show up, you're going to smoke a couple two salutes, and we do a little extra time because we're trying to find the fucking right combination for the night. Friday early will be sensational. Friday late will be sensational. Then again,

if you want to be a mom-mo and watch the fight, go ahead. If not, come on down to either fucking stand-up live in Phoenix or Ontario Improv in the Ontario Mills Mall and hang out with your fucking Uncle Joey. Take a chance Columbus dinner, all right?

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I want to thank Audit. I want to thank my main man, Bert Kreisher for coming in. I love you, Julie. With a bottle, a couple stars, a knife. Lee got it all prep because he's a fucking professional, and that's how we do it. I'll see you motherfuckers in Ontario,

and Burke Chrysia. We'll see you at Stand Up Live in Phoenix. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. Stay black, have a great weekend. Thank you very much for listening. You fucking savages.