The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #512 - Adam Ray

Episode Date: August 30, 2017

Adam Ray, Comedian, actor, and co-host of the "About Last Night Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   My Bookie - Join now and MYBookie will match your deposit with up to a 100% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000.   LendingTree - Find out how much you can save TODAY at LendingTree.com/CHURCH   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 08/29/2017.


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apply. Kick that motherfucking meal league. So Churchill what's happening now, bitches. Check yourself. We're going into the fourth quarter of the year and you're still dicking around. Get your shit together. Here we go. Oh shit.

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There you go. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Wednesday the 30th. Get it your shit together, motherfuckers. I got Adam Ray. I got my main motherfucking Christ killer, Lee Syatt, and your uncle Joey's here on point. Ready to rock with you, motherfuckers.

Before we get up the podcast started, I'd like to extend my heart to the victims of what's going on in Houston, Harvey. and we donated today in the name of the church to the Red Cross I know they'll get 30 cents on the dollar and that's not really enough to cover but I'm thinking of doing a show, getting a bunch of comics and going down to the improv and getting like a real fucking shelter that's helped people

and maybe do a benefit. So before we get this podcast started, just a little fucking shout out to Houston to keep your chin up. I know it's, you won't even probably be able to listen to this shit because you got no electricity, you're stuck in a fucking gym, but hey, I love your cocksuckers. What's happening, gentlemen?

How are you? What the fuck is going on there, Adam, what the fuck, dude. What a great thing to do, by the way. Yeah, no, you have to do something. Not to, you know, spend too much time on that topic, but fuck, I read some stories and watched some images today that were just like,

I mean, unfathomable. You know, you're just like, fucking... You know, I remember in Seattle when it, like, flooded once in the backyard of our house and I went out there as a kid and like I was like nine years old and I was like fucking free swimming pool you know and I was fucking swimming in the back with one of my playmobile like toys

and it fucking fell apart and it was like devastating but like I was like oh it's fun a flood like then you see some of these people in actual like boats and cars and you're like oh that's real they had an image fair with dog with his head outside the sunroof and the fucking

water climbing you know it just uh you can't even imagine it you know and this happened in Katrina, what, 10 years ago? Yeah. Yeah. 10 years ago, 12 years ago. And some of those people, people who were displaced by Katrina.

Yeah, that's the saddest part. That's the saddest part. And the thing that I took away from it, obviously, it's like the most terrible thing that could happen to a family to anyone. But it really, it really like made me almost happy in a way just to see the response. Because we've been for the past few months, just everything is. It's been negative, I feel like. Every news story reads, everyone's upset, everyone's negative. And it just, like, even though this was terrible.

I hear what you're saying. It feels like it's like after almost, it's after like anything bad. It just, it feels like there's still good people. It's like when you're in elementary school and your PE teacher, like, he's been sick for like, you know, he's like the shit at your school and he's been sick for like eight months. And then you find out that he's like coming back. But he like, only to like teach some of the. games that the new teacher is fuck all right look this analogy sounded great in my head

but I feel like it's it's pretty close to it you know what I'm saying where basically what you're saying is like seeing just a piggyback on it and I guess say it again in a different voice because it's the same shit that was a great sentiment I can't do it better but it was like you know the fact that you're seeing some

positivity a unification of people because it hasn't happened in fucking I mean nine months and the craziest thing is, it's been even longer than that. Yeah.

Like, like, I got, I got a lot of, uh, grief from family members just for not voting the last election. And, but my aunt, who, who's a little bit older, said something very, and I didn't even think about it. Since I've been in seventh grade, since 2001, there's been, like, constant war. Jesus. Constant, like, terrorist. Like, like, that threat, it just, there hasn't really been peace for about 16 years. Yeah. So it's just like it

We've almost become used to it, I think And we were You fucking walk to Starbucks three days a week And you work two nights a fucking week What conflict do you have in your fucking life? You went to college for four years You came out here You worked as an editor

And then I got my paws on you You worked two days a week And you fan your balls the rest of the fucking time I gotta give you a hundred bucks To get you out of the fucking house And you're talking about What conflict have you had in your fucking life? There's no,

conflict. You didn't vote because you didn't fucking feel like voting. You shouldn't have said nothing to them in the first place. What do they give a fuck? Just tell them, yeah, and tell them it's none of that business who you voted for. Yeah, it's going to talk to you about 2001 and terrorists. What the fuck? I was raised with Vietnam when people were coming home and fucking stabbing themselves

and getting spit on and shit and that affected me, but it did not cause me to vote. You know what caused me to vote? Having felonies. That's what caused me not to vote. All right? So, stop with the fucking analogies. That's just killing this country. We think about everything. We got two things killing us now. We got two things killing us now. Overthinking.

Overthinking and that fucking internet. That internet gives everybody a fucking voice. You know, today, all the fucking shit walking in there. And Melania, people making fun of her because she had heels on or sneakers. It never ends. It never fucking ends.

You know, the Floyd Mayweather thing now. It never ends. It's three or four fucking days. Then these people realize why they're lives are fucked up. Yeah. Because they focus on everything except themselves. Wow.

Think about your fucking life. That was a powerful dude. Not even 10 minutes in. We have no fucking idea what tough is, my friend. We don't. Look at that little kid with sand in his eyes in Aleppo having to go to a detention center. That's fucking tough. You were in Boston living in your mom's house getting three meals a day.

Yeah. What did you give a fuck? You don't give a fuck. You don't care, man. I'm not saying I have. But you live through a lot of bad shit. I'm just saying it was nice to see nice people in Houston. But then you were saying the other thing about...

Yeah, because I've been berated for 16 years by the news. I'm not saying, obviously... How do you listen to the news? There's good news every night. How could the news berate a human being? What do you mean? Because it does. That's why people don't want the news.

There's some good stuff peppered in. Don't you got to be... There's no good stuff. The last 10 minutes, they showed you a guy in fucking Oklahoma that makes tables from fucking sperm. And that's Build America Tough. And they show you the swimmer with no ears that can go to the bottom of the...

You know, that's, I gotta wait fucking 24 40 minutes. Yeah, that's the very end of the newscast. God forbid you put on local LA news. You're like, more, beheading, hunger. You ever wake up a fucking 5.30, put on KTLA news. Yeah. And listen to that shit from six to 20 after six. It will pollute you for the rest of the day.

It's all the craziest of the crazy, right? So what happens is... It's not like man discovered new way to fly hot air balloons. What happens is your co-workers, they watch that shit, too. And then they go into the office. And just when you thought you were safe, they repeat all this bullshit. They hear that shit to your ears. You know.

They're using that as their basis for like, you know, just the way they think. It's a fucking nightmare. All right. What we've become, you know, somebody had a great quote today that the internet was what you did to escape from life. Now life is what you do to escape the internet. Whoa. Who said that? Somebody in people retweeting it today.

I would love to know and I would love to know that it's not like T. I love. Like, it was like Denzel or something. I love the, I love everything about this, but it really is killness. It really is killing us. You know, every time I hear about people getting run over by car and those terrorist things, I got to think about all the people that were looking down. Oh, yeah.

I was raised to walk and pay the fuck attention. Pay the fuck attention. Sit straight. Go straight ahead. That guy looks a little weird. You make believe you're not watching them, but you're fucking watching them. you know, you pay attention. Yeah.

I don't know nothing about nothing. I don't want to know nothing about nothing. You know, when I was growing up, I grew up with guys. I mean, you got in the car, they didn't giggle or nothing. They paid attention. You know, we were going to Harlem to pick up a fucking half a kilo of Coke. Do you feel like the world was just as scary where you needed to pay attention? Or it was just because you always got to pay attention.

You've always got to pay attention. You've always got to pay attention. I go to a coffee shop. The last four weeks I've been going every day. Yeah. What do you get? And it's funny to sit in between people and listen to the new American sentiment, how people get together for an hour and a half to discuss U-GATS.

You want to stop what you're doing and smack them in the fucking face. The six of them are there every morning, and then every afternoon, I always got the actor chick with the actor guy that can't book a headshot that they're playing on producing their own film, and you sit there and you want to, hit him with the chair. You know, listen. Yeah. You're a fucking confused black chick

and this poor fucking Chinese guy couldn't get a waiter's job at a Chinese restaurant and you wonder why nobody wants to hire you in the fucking movies. Look at my face. Even I got hired because I had charisma.

Charasma. You two motherfuckers don't have a chance. You don't even got charisma. You got charisma coming. Dude, charisma's the ultimate charisma. And that's what you, but you know, people don't know about it

because they don't have it. Lee, and the reason why I said that is because I don't want that kind of thought in the church no more. Yeah. We're tough motherfuckers. We're soldiers. The media don't affect us. Nothing affects us. We've got to put that out.

Nothing bad has happened. You lived in your mother's house. You never had a weapon in your hand. Nobody's ever shot a gun at you. You've never heard a bomb go off. You've never had 10 Puerto Ricans with knives chasing. Unless it was the song, bombs over Baghdad. I heard that a few times. What I've been trying to do for the last five years is tough.

You want to go eat Korean sandwiches and convey a bell. Conveyor belts. You work away from me, and that's fine. It's not healthy. We're trying to put something together here and get the thought conscience out. Because that's what the thought is. That's what the thought is. When you get that out of your mind, as an American, that's where your life starts.

You've grown on your own. When the day that you go, none of this really matters. Fuck it. What matters is I should be in school. I should be getting an education. I'm in this age. I should be supporting a household. This is what I should be making.

These are the steps I have to take. bro, it happened to me. I thought, well, Mick Jagger's recording a new album. How does that affect your life? Yeah. You know, they're in studio.

Who gives a fuck? How does that affect me? What do I give a fuck about Mick Jagger? That's what you realize now. When you're young, you have your mind in all these fucking places for no reason. You know, on Wednesday, when you're young,

you start thinking about Saturday. Remember that? When you were 20, you thought about Saturday. Oh, yeah, dude. So you got arrested one Saturday. You didn't think about Saturdays no more. In Rosarito, my junior year of college. It's so weird when you listen to people's conversations in coffee shop

and listen to the New American sorrow. Everybody has a sorrow about something, especially in Studio City where I live. Everybody has a sorrow. Sherman Oaks. People love to say this, ready? And they pull up with a... Dude, I'm going through something right now.

They pull up in a BMW. Yeah. But you don't get it. You think I want to drive this car? Yeah, I don't understand what... My life's tough, man. The dilemma is, like, what is the... They add this shit to their lives that doesn't belong there.

It doesn't even really matter to you. Yeah. You know, it doesn't really even fucking matter to you. You got a shelf that wants to hold as much great stuff as possible. So it's like... For years, don't... It took me five years. It took me five years.

I had this fantasy for five years from 1980 to... Go on. I was going to find a million dollars like... Wow. Like treasure? Like, no, no, no. City Slickers style? No, no, no.

That something was going to happen. Oh, okay, yeah. That something was going to have. An opportunity was going to be so profitable that you were just going to be like that? What opportunity? What opportunity? In my mind, somebody was going to knock on the door. Yeah, Ed McMahon, publishers clearing us.

Yeah, because I deserved it. No, no, with like a brick of a kilo or Coke or some 16-year-old runaway or something for me to make a half a million with. But my mind was always concerned about the shit that I had nothing to. I hate fucking chitter chat. Like, I hate small talk. Really? Since I was a kid. How do you do this?

This isn't small talk. This isn't small talk. No. I wasn't raised. Unplanned, unprepared. No, I don't like that bitching about the country talk. Oh, yeah. Of any situation for more than like fucking three.

Like, I can't deal with it. Yeah. Like, after a while. And now at this point, like, I'm done with it. Like, I'm done with it. Like, I even ask my wife, listen, I won't do something that bothers you, You can't watch CBSNBC no more because it's killing me.

It's killing me. That's what's killing America. They listen to this shit all day. And man, when my wife is around me, she knows I have no interest in that shit. Yeah. But when she's around other people and some fucking Gentile gets that shit started

about Trump or something, my wife's face turned red, and she starts going off. And I tell I can't have that around. The last time she did it, I just got up and went to another table. I don't fuck around, Jack. Not even with my wife.

I don't fuck around. Do you have like a no Trump table? You know what you said this table? No, no politics table. Yeah. We're having coffee, we're having a good time. This is a Trumpless table.

We're talking about you eating some chick's ass in Indiana last week. I'm going to transition into politics. Yeah. And also some jerk off sits next to you. And speaking of backs, we need to support Trump. Yeah. Yeah. Not Trump or just any of that shit.

Any of that rhetoric that's going on on ABC, the first 20 minutes of any news station. So I heard, I heard, I heard. Yeah. No, did you hear what's going? We're over here having. conversation about Indianapolis. How you think she chiseled you at the door?

Come on. But the waitress sucked your dick the one night, so it balanced out. Even if she stole 300, she let her finger you in her asshole, or she sucked your dick. We broke even. And all of a sudden somebody comes along and starts talking about just something to bring that table

down about politics. Sure. At any level. Even if it's not policy related, it's something like, you just said like, Milan's wearing heels at the flood. It's like, fucking get you. You're so, you're so, uh, You've given over to it so much that you're looking at the details. Like when people, to me, and this isn't, you know.

Hold on one second. Lee, while he's talking. Put on sleepers. There's a scene in there. I want Adam to say, has. Have you seen that movie? No. The beginning of sleepers.

This is how I was raised. To eliminate. Yeah. Any problems. You know, there was a thing when I was raised that, especially at my mother's bar, I saw it. And then when they brought it to my attention, even as a stupid fucking,

kid, I go, they got a point. You know, as I got older. When I was growing up, there was no religion of politics a lot. Right. Like, you couldn't come into my house, even as a Catholic, I could start talking about some priest fucking some kid in the ass.

Sleepers, Barcene. Look at that line of bacon. De Niro, Hoffman, Patric, Patrick, and Pitt. 96. Wait, your mom owned a bar, by the way? Yeah.

Is this a zip? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's incredible. This is a movie about these guys called The Westies, who was a true story, but the guy who wrote it afterward finagued on the story. You could speed it up a little bit. Okay. A bar. Right there, let's see what is there.

The bartender knew their faces as most of the neighborhood knew their names. There were two of the founding members of the West Side Boys. Do you want to try to find a better version of it? He's not because I'm going to do it right now, but you'll hear it. That's Jason Patrick. Looks like Morgan Spurlock. No, that's not Jason Patrick. Who is that?

Jason Patrick's true. He was an alcoholic and a cocaine abuse of a fast temper and a faster trigger. He once shot a mechanic dead for moving ahead of him in a movie line. The doghead man was equally deadly, and it committed his first murder at age of 17. In returning, he was paid $50. He drank and he did drugs, and he had a wife he never saw, living somewhere in Queens. I work to the house. It's going to take one up four years.

It's going to take it to the election. What are they talking about? They talk about break in speech and drinks and put up my dad. Jared, you tell them that Republicans are not welcoming House kitchen. You need their political conversion or change of conversations in order. That's it. That's it. That's it.

Wow. That's it. Dude, that's dope. Everybody should watch that before they leave the house. That's it. I'm saying? Hold on. Let's see if they keep it going. Here, crank it up to the end to see what happens. Yeah, Lee, all the way to the end, move it. Oh, okay. Yeah, right there. Keep going, he going, keep going, keep going, right there.

Now right now. Enjoy the rest of you here. I read this book, Adam, Ray. And? I was living in Seattle. Nice. 1995. I read this book. I was living in Seattle. And in 97, like around 96, I was going to cover USA Today. That this book was going to get made into a movie. And we, He cast it. Being Josh Wolf guessed like two out of the five.

What? We knew De Niro was going to be the priest. And we knew Brad Pitt was going to be in there somewhere. No shit. Pitt was just a man of the time. It was just a man of the time. And there was a guy in the book that fit Brad Pitt. His personality.

That's great. Everything about him. Two out of the five, that's pretty fucking good. Yeah. No, I cast this movie way before. Were people pumped it? I had the chick in as Jennifer Lopez. I can't hold steel anymore.

Oh, fuck. I see the other one because I want to show him the end of the scene. It's funny because the guy that cast this movie, cast Godfather 2, Donnie Brasco, he cast a bunch of shit. I see the second one. No, the third one, the third one, the third one, that looks good right there. By the way, there's got to be some classic bar scenes, huh?

In movie history. God damn it, they're all fucking people taping them with a recorder all of them. Can you hear the sound? I thought you'd do a lot, man. I've got training all the time and put him. Just to end up watching someone else's life. So this is two kids that got arrested as kids. And they went to a home, four of them.

And they got sexually abused and beat up. And they were made to blow the fucking guards and shit. And one day these guys go to have a drink. And guess who's at the bar eating a fucking steak? Who? One of the guards who molested them and fucked them in the ass and did all this. What? Watch what happens.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I thought you didn't like the audio. I apologize. Speed it up a little bit. They approach them. They start breaking his balls a little bit. Who's, uh, wait, bacon's the one that did it? Captain Bacon, yeah.

I'm asking me out for the last time what the fuck you want. Don't you take your time, it will come to you? He doesn't remember them, huh? No. And they do. It's just something for you and your friends to play with. It's a little harder for us to forget. You gave us so much more to remember.

I love revenge movies. Let me up ya. You're looking at John Riley and Tommy Shit Oh yeah Yeah, that's right I'm a whole time to go Any kids now

What I've always wanted To watch you die The brisk is really good here Only he'll never know it You fucked up How good was Billy Cudrup, Jack? Dude, he's killing it Chilling it, Billy Cudraudraud, man

You got a Crut up, kiddrop? That's what he dumped the girlfriend. He took the, he dumped the pregnant. He pulled the Tom Brady. Did he really? He dumped the pregnant chick, the chick from weeds. Mary Louise Parker?

And he went for the chick from the terrorist show on Showtime. Claire Danes. Yep. I try to make it tough. Wow. I tried to make you hard. Why had you all wrong then, though? So this time I thought you just liked fucking and beating up little boys.

From Parker to Danes. That should be his fucking one-act play. He dumped her, like, is it Sarri-Louis Park? Yeah, one of them. They shoot him right in the fucking dick, though. Under the table. Yeah? Yep, and then one right to the arm.

Oh, that one's to the head, huh? Yeah. Bye-bye. Oh, I mean, that's the way to do it, though. And that's how the movie starts. This is how the fucking movie starts. Holy shit, dude. You should have had the brisket.

That's a great fucking line. a soprano in the corner. She's one of the witnesses in this. Look, they put their little pieces away. This used to be the fucking lower west side, man. You could shoot them. Look right there, look. They even tip the guy.

Look at the bartender. Make those sandwiches to go. Look, they walk out like doctors. That's how to do it. Those cases go unsolved. Look at this fucking meat. She's canceled this place. You're insulting me here.

Who knows what she's saying? She's probably trying to Uber some potato chips to her. Uber potato chips Oh, dude, I just pictured chips in the back of a car, like with eyes and like a voice And the drives like, where through? Oh, man, I don't know. Some fat guys are.

But that's the real deal. Like, it was no politics and no religion. I thought there'd be no missing. Damn, was that Bacon's like, how early was that in the Bacon career? That was 1996 to 70. All right, so he's just becoming like. No, he's a group, bro, don't ever get Kevin. Kevin Bacon's a bad.

Out of the gate, right? When do people, here's what I ask. When do people start thinking it was cool to be like, just six degrees away from Kevin Bacon? You know, when did that shit start? Because that to me, that's almost like getting your own cereal, your tennis shoe, your toy, your fucking, you know, your app, whatever it is.

Like, that's a stamp of approval. Like that whole thing when people were like, you're six degrees away, like from a guy. Like, when you become that guy, like, what have you done? You know what I'm saying? So what had he, do you know? At that time, he had done a bunch of shit. Yeah.

Look at him then. Like 80s, right? Yeah. He started. like mid-80. Dude, and he's still crushing it. That dude should be getting a lifetime of cheap. I just watched that fucking movie he did with Sean Penn,

where he played the cop with Lawrence Fishbur. Mystic River, no. Yeah, Mystic River. Listen, standing next to Lawrence Fishburn, ain't easy. He's the best black guy. In front of Sean Penn. Across the board, there's no better African-American actor than that man. I'll tell you that right now.

You want me to prove it? And I love Denzel and Man I'm Fire. He should not have won the Academy Award for the Bathing Day. They gave him that because he was African. Hurricane he should have won for it. Hurricane he should have won. But I think Beautiful Mind won before. Yeah, beautiful mind won.

So it's always, but I don't think whatever was his best movie. Now, you think Fishburn's a better actor than Reginald Vell Johnson, who played Carl Winslow on Family Matters? Listen, Lawrence Fishburn could eat up the whole African American community. And he could also eat up three quarters of the white actors. You got to remember. I'll agree with that. He's a fucking phenomenal actor. Let's just get something out of the way.

Let's do it right now. got something out of the way. How old are you now? 35. How long have you been doing comedy? 10 years. Staying up 10 years. You're 25. What were you doing before that? So I went to USC for acting school down from Seattle. And I came in, loving comedy at the forefront, but acting

was like the main thing. And then I graduated and I had been doing play since fifth grade. Now I'm graduating, trying to build something out of nothing. I start doing YouTube videos. I start doing open mics. I start working at a casting office. I'm playing Wolverine, Universal Studios. Just trying to do as much as I can to get some sort of sort of living a life and start just, you know, doing as much as I can, get material to write for when I'm doing these open mics.

And, uh, and then I graduate and, uh, you know, it's like, I just need to start keeping busy too and, and, and standups when that started. And, and then fucking 10 years of stand up and, and all the, you know, videos and stuff. And what was the question? You should have still, how, do you still pay student loans? Did you pay still? I've just finished paying them off two years ago. Let me tell you something.

Yeah. If you were hung out with Uncle Joey for two years, I would have given you a better experience. and all that shit. You just went... Oh, shit. Three years driving. We'd do triple runs. I'll drop you off

at a fucking bar in Idaho where they're all of a woman. You know, it's so weird that you go to like USC and stuff. Like, I've worked at a lot of directors with the UFC and they're well prepared. But they were doing the same shit everybody else.

Yeah. Like, they weren't coming out with nothing. Yeah. They all had kind of similar, the same style, and they all came from the same school. Yep. You know, I once heard that if you read

the Wall Street Journal, every day for four years, you got more of an education than going to college for four years. Like if you read the Wall Street Journal daily from calling a couple. Wow. That's what I heard.

This is what they said on 60 minutes, 30 fucking years ago. Yeah, maybe at that time. Well, I mean, college, the experience of college, I feel like, was more for the, just growing up as a person. It's like I went through two serious girlfriends

and fucking the amount of drugs and blues. No, no, I'm busting your boy. No, but I mean, no, but guess what? No, bless you. Guess what, though? I would have fucking that I bet the shit that you've done I would love if there was some sort of program

the way that you study abroad like I got to study abroad my junior and go to London I would have love if it was like study abroad and go hang out with Uncle Joey for a year you know? Start implementing those programs

in the college and it sounds like I'm joking but I'm serious what if it's like dude you're 18 or 19 and they're like dude you want to take a you want to go

kind of still do school but also like instead of going to fucking London you're going to go live with this comedian and fucking hang out and see what life's like There's not a crazy idea

There's not a great comedian working today That an apprentice kind of sort of Like yeah You know somebody took you under their wing Yeah somewhere along the line Who is that for you? For me the first guy was a guy by the name of Todd Jordan Out of Denver who was a deadly fucking comic

Clean and deadly When you're clean and deadly I really respect those guys At first I tried to impersonate him But it was not going to work How do you take you under his one? He was very good looking. He was very charismatic. He gave me work.

He took me to dungeons. He took me on a fraternity run, which at the three-year mark as a comic, you full... Intimitating? Yeah, very intimidating. Then I got scolered by a guy. Then, well, he was taking me under his wing. He was a gentleman. We'd meet early.

We'd smoke pot. We'd have dinner, and we'd drive together. And then we went to concerts. which we were also friends. We went to see Led Zeppelin at Red Rocks, when they regrouped and came by in 94 and 95. Him and I were friends. Then I had another guy Rick Currant.

That was completely the opposite. Just busted your balls, was not encouraging. No, no, no, no, no. You know, Todd was very encouraging. And he was a sort of an education to see a professional work. Yeah. He had been the HBO Comic of the Year in 19, He did the comedy festival.

He was named the top ten comedies. I mean, he was a real pro. And then I got involved with a guy with a name of Rick Currence. Your face, when you say his name, it's fucking... Because he was a complete different education. Right, yeah. He would call you on a Friday night and go,

Diaz, what are he doing about night? Nothing. All right, you got to get him Riverton, Wyoming. Let me give you my address. You got to come over here because I can't drive. So I'd pick him up in his truck. As soon as he, I beeped. He'd come out of his house. He'd get in the truck.

We weren't in the truck three minutes. I was driving his truck. He would pay for gas, meals, the whole thing. And the first stop was the liquor store. And we'd get like a gallon of mixer or whatever. Yeah. And a bottle of vodka. And he'd throw half the mixer out right in the side of the road.

Boom. And we'd start in the car and I had a drink. That was part of the thing. But I, you know. that was he was my goomba. I had a drink a little with him and I would ask him every question in the world about comedy

that I wanted to know. On the whole drive. And I liked his style. Yeah. He didn't want to do what the traditional Denver comedians did. He went to the San Francisco comedy competition and came in third.

He used to play like clubs in New York. He was active. He was at the store and called Mitsia Cunt and was banned from the comedy store for life. Rick Curns is a real comedy outlaw. Like there's people who, you know, No, fake the funk. Fuck no.

Rick Kerns. Then when they're going to call, he's in Tennessee. He goes looking for crack at night. He gets arrested and he gets into a fight with a cop. They fucking tase them and spray them with pepper spray. And they put him in a hole. And every time it got hot in there, the pepper spray would come back to life. So they put him in jail for 60 days.

Rick Kerns was no fucking joke. This guy sounds like the type of guy that would fuck your mom just so that when he said a yo mama, like, fat joke, he could be like, I can show your pictures. He was on stage. He was lethal because he was dangerous in real life. So the whole time I'm watching Todd Jordan, who's a professional, canter. He would talk to what's the guy that was big in the 95 that took all the Monday night football. He killed it.

Dennis Miller. Dennis Miller. No. Yeah. The comedian. Dennis Miller would call him to write for him. He was the professional comic that was very funny. Rick Kerns, on the other hand, was the guy that when he went on stage, he had.

six drinks of him. He'd go on stage with a cigarette. You know, not an impression of him. No, not the best body in the world. You know, he had been up for three days in a row, but he was a brilliant comic because the danger aspect of his act, it's what made him funny. And I got to recognize that early on. So I had to figure out how to be the both of those guys. Wow. You follow me? Yes, because that was the only way it was going to work for me. But then something changed. Take a little from one, take a little from the other.

But then something changed along the road. I went to Seattle. And Seattle, Seattle was a great comedy scene. And I used to go down there on Mondays and you got to start number one. I wish I started there. The funny you got, you moved up on the list. And finally, I was involved in Seattle for about 11 months. I had done well in the festival.

I was getting work. And one Friday night, I had a little fucking lead by the name of Doug Stanhope comes in there. Who? Doug Stanley. Yeah, of course, man. And what this fucking savage did at the underground. Blew your mind. While people were walking out, other people were howling.

Like half the room was like, fuck you. And they'd get up with their wives and walk out. And he'd go to him, don't leave. I haven't done my tit-fuck joke yet. But the people who were laughing were spitting shit. I mean, I had never seen nothing like that. Adam Ray, I canceled my Saturday gig and my Monday gig because I didn't even know if I wanted to do comedy anymore.

After you saw a Doug. That performance of Doug taught. Dice's performance. I think everybody's got one of those or a few of those where you get you want. You have to go home. You see something so impressive that it overwhelms you and you go, and you go, I'm never going to do that. You just, because it looks so, you feel like you're so far away from it, right?

Brother, I was doing the style of comedy where I was angry and never politically correct, but, you know, very tried to be politically correct. I couldn't get my fingers around there. Yeah. When I saw Doug Stanhope's performance Why didn't I think of that, right? You're just like seeing him I saw him two shows in a row.

No, no, no, there was nothing to think about. He didn't even think about it. He was just who he was. Remember that? You were talking about ads before? Yeah. And you were saying when you read the ads. Well, I was saying how great it was when I heard

refreshing when I heard somebody doing him where I was like, oh, you definitely took every part of who you are. You took the reason that they're asking you to do the ad and you did it because you weren't thinking with any sort of like extra filter of like what would something? somebody want who it and just go like, well, what do I want to do? I'm going to do that. That's easier said than done in so many things creatively because you just, you, at least

when there's, you know, the business side involved, it's like in that, I think sometimes even with, like, execs on shows. Well, this was way before the business side with Doug Stanholm. Like, he had just won San Francisco. He had moved to L.A. He had gotten a shitty deal from HBO. He was just so locked into who he was, though. It was amazing to watch because that's when you realize stand-up.

for you to pass that level, you have to really be who you are. Like, you know what? I really don't like lesbians. And you go up on stage and say, I love gays, you're not going to be funny. You know what I'm saying? Because you really don't like fucking lesbian. So deep down inside, you're not selling that fucking joke. Wow.

And there's thousands of people who do that type of shit to get laps until you really realize going up there and talking about, but whatever you say, you just got to justify it. Yep. And that's what Doug Stanhope was doing. I went to a bar the other day. You should have seen this strip club. The chick weighed about 300 fucking pounds.

I didn't even see a bikini, but I knew it was somewhere in there. You know, like, oh, my God, he was, just the bits that were coming out of him then. And he was buying flowers at a summit. No, he was at a bar. And a girl came up to him with a bucket of flowers, with a bucket of roses, and asked him if he wanted to buy a rose to a lady. And he said, Liz, why don't you come up to me with a bucket of vaginas? You know what I'm saying?

and don't come up with that. I mean, just, he used to say something. Can you imagine getting a bucket of vaginas? Oh, my God, for like $22 bucks and taking him home instead of fucking the roses. That's what the joke was. I'm going to buy $100 in roses, and nobody's going to suck my dick. But if you give me a bucket of vaginas,

at least I get sob. I mean, he would just go off. Wow. And then I worked with him and bought, like, I knew him. I moved to L.A. You know, I would see him at the store. Oh, my God. Mitsy never really saw him for who he was.

No. So she would put him on. at 8.30, like, two women would have to follow him. And he would destroy so hard Adam Ray that he would disrupt the shows. They banned them from the improv. Because all their little stars would go down there trying to be cute, and they would put Doug Stanhope on

because his manager was a partner at the time. And Doug Stanhope would sizzle that room. I mean, comics were even in the back shaking their heads. Have you seen anything? I always love hearing. stories of people that can recount something that was like the old well you just saw like such a crushing performance do you feel like you've seen anything it sounds like Doug to you is somebody you've just seen crushed so hard have you like is there one moment we saw and you go I'll never see something like that again Joe Rogan at the union Tuesday night comedy union no no the union Tuesday night July of 98 was one of the greatest standard performances I ever saw Joe Rogan I love that. Isn't that great? Nobody, people don't forget.

One hour, 300 people at the bar next to where Jay Davies and then Cook became star. Dublin. Dublin's right? Okay. So if you went, instead of going towards the county store, you walk up that hill. There's an underground bar before you hit that Mexican joint on the-Cabal canina. Before you hit that Mexican, there used to be a bar down there that some Coke dealer had. And on the weekends, he was busy.

but on Tuesday nothing happened he had fucking he was first with the drapes and the fucking beds and the fucking stairway and Tuesday night was basically Gondon to Ahmed Ahmed and Owen

No no no The guy that's in every fucking Dodgeball Ditch Ball Stiller Vince Vaughn We're roommates So I met Ahmed and Vince Vaughan's girlfriend That he dumped

We're booking the room on Tuesday nights. Oh shit. And it became this hip. That was the first hip room like models and girls were showing up. And all of a sudden it went from a bunch of guys like us

to fucking stars calling I met I met wanting to go out because the room became so strong on Tuesday nights. So on Tuesday nights, it was blackout at the comedy store so nobody wanted to be there. So the original room would only have eight people.

Oh shit. Because the main room would have 500 black people and white people in that layer of scared of black people. So only eight tourists would show up until the original room in those days. So you had to call up every 10 minutes. How many people? Because you didn't want to go down there. There was four people going to cancel the show. How many times you'd be at the union getting ready to get your dicks up?

You got a grandma blowing your pocket and shit. And you call the stone. They're like, four people canceled. And you're up in 10 minutes and you'd have to run over for the store. People canceled. Yeah, because everybody knew Tuesday nights was born. black night, but to get spots from Mitzie, you had to call coast to coast. If you called Mitzie in those days and said,

hi, I went Monday, Thursday, and Saturday late, Mitzie wouldn't even give you a spot. She wanted you to call in Monday through Sunday. That's something I learned early. Holy shit. So even if you had a show, you better figure it out. You better figure it out because she would give me spots back then. Oh, shit.

I hosted, and she gave me four out of five spots in the main room on the same. She fucking loved you, didn't she? She loved me. She used to call me fat baby, the whole thing. Did you love it? Yes, I did. Yes, I didn't. It was, uh, when nobody else wants you.

Montreal didn't want me. I didn't have an agent. You got the goddess. I had a comedy going. I had her going. You're here with us. I had her develop me, make me follow Dom. I went up to her one day and I just made a mistake.

Like the asshole that I am. I went up to and I go, yeah, fucking, yeah, I had a father. Because everybody said she had, had cameras in there at the time. Yeah. And that even if she wasn't there, she was there. That she was that obsessed with the club. So when I would bomb, I would

just walk up to her when I'd see her until I'd bomb. And she'd giggle. And when I told her, don't put me behind Don Marrera one time. That was a big mistake. Because now every time Domerer came to the store, she made sure I fucking followed him. Do you think that was the one thing she didn't respond to was being told?

No. Did she know? Did she... Was she open to even, like, criticism? Or was it just like one of those things like, look, I've developed this cachet, everything I say is calculated. I trusted her with everything I had. Because, okay, Adam Ray starts dating Saratiana.

They're in love. A year goes by, they're in love. And when they, Adam goes on the road and sticks out of poitious as an asshole. It's all too comedy. You and Sarah break up. Look. If it got back to Mitzi?

That was a great Denny's. If it got back to Mitchie? Yeah. She would make you follow Sarah. Every life from that. You would get spots every night, but you'd follow Sarah. Even if Sarah went up in the main room, guess would follow Adam Ray? Because she teach you how to...

She was dog when it came to the... Holy shit. Yeah, dog. If she got wind, that Adam Ray and Joe Diaz got into an argument, she wouldn't give a spots for a week. And then after that, for three months, I followed you or you follow me. That's Bobby Leonari. They were at war, and she would make them...

When she got a wind of it, That is a bonkers but brilliant way to, I mean, look, I feel like the best comedy is emotionally charged, right? Do you agree? If you don't have an emotional attachment to what you're talking about, I think that goes to that saying. You're dead. So to put you in a position to where you're following or preceding somebody that you've had, a beef with. And enough beef to, again, like, channel this emotional charged, like, timeline in your life. she's only she's piggybacking on that she's being she's taking advantage of it and being like but in a brilliant way where it's like oh cool you're fucking fired up right now i'm gonna put you in a position where you're fired up on stage right and then you're talking about your material through this extra level of

some nights you know like you have to fucking really up yourself to be like all right man let me like and at that level of my shit as much as i want to care about it but like if she's putting you in that position and you're and you're that you're emotionally in charge oh you're getting on stage and now this chick that you dated for six years in love with yeah She's fucking the hottest thing in comedy. Who's 21, he's just got three deals. And now she would make you fucking bent the finger paint with that. Yeah. Mitsy did that to you to throw your, but no, let me explain some to Adam Ray. You're doing comedy 10 years. Yeah.

You've experienced a lot of different situations. What you could experience now, you could experience at the six-year mark, there's two different situations. If she does that to you at the six-year mark, for the first three weeks, you're going to be emotionally fucking disjointed, and destroyed. Oh, yeah. Because you got to follow a chick that you were in love with.

Now she's fucking somebody up. I can't imagine. Or the other direction. Or the other direction. She's in love with you and you're banging the hottest chick in comedy right now. You're banging Amy Schumer in the ass and coming on the back and stealing her jokes. You know what I'm saying? You're having a good time.

And now she's got to follow you every night. Oh, my God. Fucking hating you. You know, like hating you. Like, you dumped up. And also, do you, yeah, you're, man, you're thinking it's, and then she's thinking about it. And then she really liked Adam Ray.

If Adam Ray survived all that shit. Oh, God. Like if Adam Ray went up to Mitzie and said Mitzie, the main room killed me the other night. Oh boy. You would have 1245 on Saturday every Saturday for the rest of your life. Yeah. Because she was training you. Let me tell you something.

When I was a kid, I went to karate in New York City with these black dudes when I came. came from Cuba It was a black karate school Okay And this is one karate A black karate school Is that a real thing? There's a real thing

And they wore black gees With a fist on it That said go Jew Oh shit And you had to fucking Have an identification And your ghee Had to be folded

A certain way There was no worrying You know you see kids Going to McDonald's And your geet No no no no You didn't go to McDonald's No no no

You had to come to that class We clothes on like a human being Yeah Your ghee had to be rolled Like a fucking marine blanket With the belt looped through it. You're a kid having to know belt loops? Five years old. You had to go in there,

strap your belt on. First half hour was push-ups, push-ups, then it was techniques and form. And if he got a wild bug up his ass, if this guy got a wild bug up his ass, and there was snow outside, he'd go, let's go for a run. And he would take us for a run with our geese on

in the fucking snow. You think any mother complained, the one on Yelp, and said, my kid got a pneumonia, all those kids were tougher than death dog. And guess what happened? Guess what happened by him taking you in your neighborhood. The bullies would see you with your karate suit on, and the next day when you came to school,

they would say, hey, karate man, show us what you know. It was a living hell. It was a living hell. But my point is, he walked around with a wooden sword, this guy in those days. And there was no giggling.

There was no leg. He said 20 push-ups. You better do those 20 push-ups. I'll fucking stab you. I'll give you splinter of a city. You know, like if he went to leave, like somebody like me who was out of shape, the first 10 classes, bro,

you didn't do the class. You did those calist. So if he said 50 sit-ups, and it took you 10 minutes, and the other class was jumping around. You still had to do all that shit. You got some jumping jack. Even while he was teaching, you still had to do with the rest of the... It was crazy. But then I went to a school in Jersey, and he was a little bit more lenient.

And I saw kids, when a teacher looks at you and he's in the front of you, bro, and he says, put your arms up and throw punches, for example. And you throw straight punches in the end. Kia. Kia, there was always that one jerko that would do blocks because he thought he was cute. You ever go to a controlled class, like a gym class, and everybody's doing stretches. There's that one asshole that's doing what he's doing.

You know what? I just, this is my purpose. Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what I'm doing right now is what I've discovered for myself. Then what did you come here for? Well, to learn some new techniques. No, we're disrespecting what I'm fucking teaching. No, no, then get the fuck out.

Jesus Christ. This is not what the website said. See how people get yelped on and shit, so you can't do that to people. Getting yelped on is a new. It's a new thing. Can you imagine like back in the day thinking that you would get public review like that? Like if you have a bad altercation with somebody at your business, you go, fucking, you know what? We both chalk that up to being what it was.

We got our shit out. And you leave as a consumer being like, fucking now I got to decide if I want to do that again. And the person of the business goes, I got to decide if I want to fucking get as fired up as I just got. And now with Yelp, it's like, you can't even fucking get to having the discussion or the altercation because you're like, fuck, I got to just like, I got to push out on one end or the other because I know that like they're going to blog about this or Yelp about it or something. You know what I'm saying? And it's going to get tossed around and someone's going to read one thing about like the guy at the Lekinta end said the cheeseburgers were only on Sundays. And like, and then he told me to fuck off and made fun of my shoes. And you're like, fuck, I guess I'm not saying Likinta, you know?

I don't know. It's a weird thing. I just, I don't know. I don't have the time to read a bunch of fucking reviews. No. I look at a place. You read YouTube comments or iTunes comments or any of that stuff? Nothing.

I don't even, I like people. I love people to leave comments that would help us out, but I don't ask people for them. And I don't, I don't, you know, listen. It is weird ass for comments. Hey, like my stuff. I mean, I guess there's a certain level of that to all this, but like, when you. I'm old school. You put the TV on, right?

You put your TV on. Yeah. you're a beautiful combination of old school living in a new era and you're crushing it. Okay. So you put your fucking TV on at 9 o'clock at night, right? Miami Vice. A law and order SUV is on. And you don't want to hear about fucking rape.

Your sister got raped in the sixth grade. You don't like fucking rape. Jesus too, son. Now, what do you do? Do you stop that fucking channel and go on your fucking computer? No. Or write a letter to ABC and say, I don't like this show SVU because my sister got raped in the sixth grade? Listen, I sympathize with your sister.

I hope it never happens. But you know what? There's a thing called up and down on your remote. And mute and unmute. And unmute. And power on and off. You know, when... Dude, what a great point.

Dude, isn't that such a hilarious? That's how I was raised. I'm forced to watch this show that I like tackling an issue. I'm not comfortable with. I'm going to go to some fucking thing. I got 10 minutes when I'm on a date with my wife when I get home to go on a computer and basically rat on a place because... Let me explain some to you.

Because maybe there was... having a bad night. Listen, guys, a couple weeks ago, I got delayed nine hours by Southwest. Are you serious? Yes. You know how many peeps I made? Not one. Because I'm going to tell you something. Wow. People have bad days. I lived in Burr, I lived right here and the plane, and God, it was in LAX. That's completely different. That's when you abandon ship after five hours. That's when you call the club and say it ain't happening. Because they keep delaying it every hour on the hour. You know, Dean Derry called me at 10 and already told me, your flight's delayed until 3.45. It was originally 1.45.

So I started getting emails. Anyway, the flight didn't leave until 9. Do you think I went back to the hotel? They gave me a hundred dollars about you. And they volunteered to me. They gave us free drinks on the plane. They apologized a thousand fucking times. You know how many times I've taken Southwest on a Sunday morning and they've got me back to Burbank on time like a motherfucker?

Six. 22,000 times. So one day they have a bad day. You chose to fly that bad day. You chose to go into a restaurant that bad day. You chose to go into somebody's boutique on that bad day. You don't fucking know.

You don't fucking know. So I'm going to go home and make... I'm going to go home. I got time from my busy life. From my so-called... I'm so creative and I'm so busy. You're going to take time from your fucking bullshit life to go home, click on a page, and write.

And something negative. Unjustify my bad day. You didn't. Now, if you went there three times in a row, listen, I'm all school. First time, shame on you. Yeah. Second time. What is it?

First time shame on you. Second time shame on me. That's it. Yeah. It's over. After that. Third time shame on Lee. I went there twice.

The fucking fork had fucking gorilla shit on it. The glass had fucking, listen, I used to go to this Cuban place by my jiu-tzu school. Lee, did we not go a few times over there? We went after your daughter's. My daughter's baptism. You know what, bro? I went there. another time and the glass

on the front was filthy. That's a restaurant, right? That's the first thing I see is a thousand fingerprints from Sunday. I turned around, I got in my car and guess what? What? Oh man, yelp, but I go home on fucking telemundo.com and I ran out You should have. No. That's that need some help.

You don't know what people going through. You have no idea, but that shit there, I don't forgive. How much do you think the world could benefit from just the simple recognition of, like, giving benefit of the doubt of like people that are a little, when you sense to as a human being, right? When you sense unwarranted from your eyes, attitude, how much you think the world could benefit

from you stepping back and being like, maybe that's because they're going through some shit. So I'm going to meet them halfway and be like, I get it, but don't fucking overpowered me your bullshit. But by me meeting you halfway, you also recognize that. And then you step back a minute and go, all right, cool. I'm going to be a little bit more tuti on this exchange. and sorry if your frat, but you know,

doesn't come out as fast as you want it, or whatever's happening, right? And what you're saying is like... People had bad days. Listen, it took me 30 or five years to realize. When we said someone's having a bad day, we go, fuck you, man, immediately, right? Yeah, I didn't think about this.

If you delayed me when I was first doing comedy, nine hours. What would you have done? I'd jump off the terminal. But Southwest one time delayed me from, like, Dallas? Well, they'll also reroute you from Burbank to Shanghai to fucking... This is a tremendous day for Uncle Joe.

I had a stop. That's a real route. Dallas or one of those airports do not let Southwest fly into. So you have to fly into another one. I went to that airport and I was going to Lubbock, Texas. Jesus. Me and Mike Faberman, I was headlining this club called Froggy Bottoms. I had just gone under and I've been taken over by a Mexican family who owned the tacos stand next to it.

A great business. And the daughter had the biggest tits you ever seen in your life. What was your name? I'm Julia. So everybody, there was nine people. Raulia. I still remember her dog. That's how she was beautiful.

Of course. She had natural, natural. I mean, she was a little chubby. She had natural, natural, the biggest stitch you ever saw. And, you know, we were there for two nights. And they were in the comedy club and the taco stand. They went on the, on the months later. Anyway, I went to, I got delayed at Dallas.

But it was one of those delays where they go, excuse me, I have your attention. our book has been over our flight has been delayed and overbooked if you come up right now we will give you a free voucher for $250 and then I'd hold it out

10 minutes ago the voucher just went up to $350. I'm the first one there listen to me goes it's a silent auction I got two of those listen when you're a feature act

on the road and you're making $5.50 a week you know what I'm saying a $350 voucher for sitting at the airport and in those days I was so broke I would shoplift at the airport. You had to.

I would take a newspaper. You can't walk. You can't get away. Who? What happened to you get caught? I don't know nothing. There's nobody catching. There's a poor black lady that barely speaks the language.

She's getting $10 an hour, and they're holding immigration over ahead. You think she's going to jump out of there and chase you for $50 for a $0.50 for a $0. I would steal waters. If I got delayed, I remember one time at Denver Airport, I was going back to, I was coming back from shooting, analyze that. and I had taken, I was so broke. I got to say real quick, one of my favorite movies and the fact that you're in that, and you were great, and it was just like, that's a fucking, that's a top ten comedy, man. Adam, no, no, no.

Underrated. That's the first one. The second one was in, which is dog shit. Trust me. Analyze that. The second one is complete dog shit. Oh, the second one was brutal. God bless Harold Ramis.

I got to work with a legend. They're both incredible. No, please. I have both. No. Really? The second one is... I disagree, man.

I just lucked out. But anyway, I was broke before I left New York. Yeah. And I had a barrow. My buddy at the time was a baggage handler for Frontier Airways, or one of those things. And he had a buddy pass. They get you a free flight. On the way there, they lost my luggage when I went to read.

Oh, no. If I analyzed that the first time... Your friend must have been so embarrassed. That's his... And because I was on a buddy pass, I had to go pick up the luggage. They didn't deliver it to your house. That's how they treat you like a fucking, like a fucking mook on the fort. Like a buddy.

And then on the way back, this is how crazy I was between the Coke. And this is 2003, 2002 when I was just going off. Just living the life. You know. Snoring wherever you could snort. I got to that Denver airport. I swear to God, I got no reason to lie. Nobody's a lady.

There's a one of those circular county. that you walk in and the store surrounds it. And for some reason, as I was walking in, the lady was walking in the back of the room. And I looked, and I put my hand over the fucking counter and took a pack of camel lights. I fucking, when she came back out, I paid for a fucking newspaper.

I put the camel lights in the newspaper, and I walked out of there. I'll never forget this. I made a fucking left. I walked into the men's room. I needed a cigarette dog. I don't give a fuck about what the government says. I sparked up that cigarette in the bathroom.

I lit that whole fucking thing. I put a piece of dentine in my mouth when I came out of there whistling fucking Dixie. You understand me? I was ready for my flight for L.A. Oh, please. I remember one time I was in Newark and I was delayed

and I had a bag of wean on me. And I go, no problem. I'm delayed. This ain't no big deal, Doug. This is 2002 when the Sopranos was huge. I'm in Newark. Yes, please. I'm in EWR.

Newark. Just chilling. And I'm sitting there. My flight's been delayed by four hours ago. Never fear. Uncle Joey's here. You say that to yourself? Yeah, I said to myself.

And I said, fuck it. Let me go to the men's bathroom and roll a fucking number. And I just go out to the front of the air. By the way, nobody in the men's bathroom wants anything to do with anybody. So it seems like the best place to do any sort of business. You go in the handicapped bathroom. You sit down. You pull off your pants.

You blow a couple farts. And while you're doing all that, you roll a joint like a doctor. Yes. Pray to God, there's no cameras in the bathroom. There is. Are there? You always have to assume there is. It's a bathroom.

And high sisters could be jerking off in there before they pull the switch just to get one last bag. I know if I was going to kill myself, I'd go jerk off and stick a finger up by ass and have a milkshake or something. If I'm going to blow myself up, are you kidding me? I'm going out deep, gee. I'm going out with a ton of shit in my stomach.

Milks and subway sandwiches. I'm splatting off a tomato. People are going to get it with tomatoes. Can I get a six-inch chicken terriaki and a vanilla shake? Are you fucking kidding me? You're probably to have it. You'll probably pass out and take a nap and miss a flight. You're right.

When I first get to an airport, first thing I do is I go in the bathroom. I smell for gunpowder. If you could smell gunpowder over that fucking tornado of shit odor and piss in a men's bathroom. It's insane, yeah. There's a terrorist in the fucking neighbor getting the bomb ready. So you're, dude, that's unbelievable. You have to think that way. You have to assume.

Yeah, I think any giant. Look at malls, like as much as you want to assume, dude, there's probably just hours and hours of footage of people changing and changing rooms and people shitting and pissing in toilets. And Joey Diaz, walking, the bathroom changing room footage, like... You have to assume... You know what they say...

As a camera. When you're in Las Vegas, as soon as you land. Oh, assume your life's document in Truman Show style. It's true. And when you get to your hotel room, in your room, there's something. Behind the mirror. There's a fucking picture of Kennedy

and his eyes move. Every time you walk by him. there's fucking something. There's a tropicana fucking video you know, a photograph of you on the TV saying like upcoming attractions, but it's like your eyes looking at you

like everything, you're being documented. You have to always assume in Vegas you're being watched. We have this on us. Yeah, no, no,

we carry these with us. Is it when you FaceTime, there's somebody in the government just watching you FaceTime? Well, yeah, there's people who. I don't FaceTime with nobody. You don't FaceTime? No.

That's the one thing you're like, fuck that. I don't FaceTime. I don't want to text. I don't want to do nothing. Just call me. I'll call you back. You want to send me a hot mail?

I got hot mail on my phone. I don't have Facebook. And I'm about to take Twitter off the phone. Let me tell you something. My wife got me. My computer's always shit. I had a surface. Yeah.

And it was shit. And we went. She told me that I'll get your computer that wherever your phone could ring, this computer works. So we went, we got an Apple, iPad Pro, one of those things. It's fun, right? She put a writing app on there for me, and my life has changed. I'm trying to write a book. I got a thing a thousand fucking words a day.

I've been doing it straight since August 1st with this kid. He outlines, I write. Dude, that's unbelievable. And I'm not going to stop. I don't have Facebook on there. I don't have Twitter on there. I got one thing on there, Netflix. So when I go on a plane, I can watch Netflix in between fucking writing.

But I don't have no computer shit on there. You figured it out, man. I don't want nothing but that iPad Pro with that writing thing on there. A thousand words a day? And I can write a thousand things in there, Lee. I've learned how to write. He exported them today. You have the keyboard, huh?

Yeah, we have the, I got the keyboard. It's life. And you know what? When I'm on the road on the weekends, nine out of ten, that surface is dick. And it's all the fucking people who face you, Facebook you that are your friend and you feel bad because they wish you like a happy weekend.

And they don't understand that you're going through hell trying to answer them back with that stupid fucking surface computer. And like I said on the Rogan podcast, People got pissed a couple weeks ago, and now they held it to me. When I'm on the weekends, there's no reason to tweet in my business. On the weekend? No reason to tweet. What do you want to tweet about?

You got to give it a breather. Let that be your life break and your Twitter break, yeah. Yeah, it's a little thing. The weekend is just like, well, why was the weekend designed? I check it out for messages. Maybe Adam Ray can't get a hold of me. I'll check it out for messages. Sure.

But there's no reason to sign there for three fucking hours to start tweeting it. Take a break. You know how many jokes you can write? in three hours. Hopefully a ton. So, you know, in my world, think about how many fucking jobs. And I love Twitter.

At six in the morning, when I'm fresh, I just got high as a motherfucker. I just did fucking three pipefuls of weed in my yard. Well, getting high at six am is the best, isn't it? Oh, my God, with a couple of four feet.

I haven't done it a long time, but guess what? No, no. That's the, high and hot coffee on like a patio when the sun's like getting ready to come up. And I'm going to tell you something. Guess what?

Again, ISIS, if you're listening, there's jerk off, in the bathroom, please, but also so that maybe you can fucking second-guess yourself, but also get high at 6am with a warm mug of coffee on a patio with a nice view and the sun in a position

to where you're going to view it and watch it come up from the fucking get-go. And guess what, dude, you might not want to fucking come at us. You think about this. Let's say you get home three nights a week at 10.30. For some reason, those three nights

you're going to be in a post. No, you get home at night. P.m. And you go to bed early and you wake up like at seven and you have a cup of coffee. Yeah. You do a half a bong hit and you open up your notebook. And you get it and you first write out like when you're playing for the day. Get that shit out of your brain. Whatever you woke up angry about, whatever you weren't pissed off about. And then you just start writing jokes.

Listen, if the weed you're smoking is good by 830, you're going to be a little butts. You got about an hour ago time. So you already did an hour and a half of writing. You did your Twitter work. You did your social media work. And you can take a nap until 10.30. You got nowhere to go. Yeah.

By the time you work up at 1030, you're tip-top. McGoo, you wash your pussy. You go out to lunch with the confidence of fucking three guys that just got off the fucking... Get avocado accession, but you got it? Yeah. Go fucking do something. You know, walk around with the confidence of three guys that just got off the fucking life sentence. It's the truth.

It's lately I've just been watching little things and going. It's routine. I understand why this isn't working. I see all these. And like I said, on the weekends when I'm on the road, that computer is such a nightmare. That surface that I wouldn't even, all I had access to was hot mail,

which I have on the phone, my God. And I have Twitter on the phone. So people get pissed at me. You know, how can we don't parriced? You know, because you can't periscope in a hotel room,

man. I go to jail for 20 years. I got a pound the weed up here. What do you think? The fucking thing. I got fucking vapor pens. That's fucking, that'll put you in jail for a year.

if they want to. Two years at least. That's fucking controlled substance, those little vapor pen. Yeah. So you never know what the fuck you're dealing with. They're all thinking you got a ticket

and they're like, oh, by the way, this is a controlled substance. This is a class four felony, you shit. You got bail. You ain't got caught until Wednesday. Vapor pen people feel like they got it fucking.

They feel like they're living their life. They're like, dude, it's a, I mean, I don't know how many instances security steps in and goes, is that a vape pen? They don't ask at all. They don't even know. Unless you fucking walk,

them blowing smoke in their face. If you tit that motherfucker and put it under something, through X way, it looks like a fucking pen. And they're making them now. Who has, there's a friend of mine who's got a little piece that you don't even know it's a vapor pen.

That's it. It's over soon. Lee, tell them what I had the other day in Ontario. There's a new thing you could buy. It's a one-hitter that's stacked with weed and hash already. Already? Already?

They sell it to CVS? No, they sell that perennial over here. You buy 10 of those things and put them in your shave kit and hope that the fucking luggage don't bounce. They don't hear a bunch of Christmas lights in your bag. Why are you traveling with Christmas lights? That's got to be shaved butter. Why you travel with Christmas lights?

Why you travel with Christmas lights? But, dog, you take one of those out before you go on stage. You don't need rolling paper and not leave. Did we get high or did we get high? We always get high. We got high, dog. We blast it. True the thing away.

Yo, do you think you just as much take from, like, when you watch and you get influenced by comedy and acting, and do you feel like you get influenced just as much by routine? You know what I'm saying? Where you, like, just hearing you talk about, like, the way your routine has transformed over the years and the way that you start to, like, you know, set up your day, that probably changed from how you do things now to from two years ago, right?

So you watch and observe, you have enough conversations with people where you go, oh, that's the way you do it? Well, maybe I'll do it that way. Or at least take a piece of that. You know, it's what. It's what worked for me at the time. Yeah. I just got open the door

Yeah It gets cool Guys It gets cool out this time Sorry about that Ladies and gentlemen I love that I love that

I get influenced By fucking Because we all are Right Anything yeah Well the smallest thing I might get hired A Tuesday night

Go down to the comedy store I got a spot at 1045 I'll go back there at 845 Yeah I'll be excited about watching fucking Ali Wong Yeah But guess what?

Adam Ray fucking went up there and started doing some crazy shit they made me laugh with a cocksucker so and you learn something I always

when I work with people I always fuck with them especially with their young comics I go what did you learn tonight and they always look at me like what the fuck are you asking me that for and I go listen you're not going to know the answer right now

but you want to check in with them and be like where you've been thinking about trying to learn something right? Absolutely. Because you should be walking off stage I feel like I picked this up

at least, I don't know, five years in or something from watching, you know, pros like yourself, where you're like, you can, where if you find yourself in a conversation with people afterwards, I said, and you heard them dissecting pros and cons or just like what I didn't do right, but also like, oh man, this moment was cool.

Yeah, it was. What was happening with this joke? Oh, I was trying this or doing this. Just hearing that they were immediately thinking about it, maybe go, you should be. You should get offstage and immediately kind of be like, I don't know, reviewing things.

So for you to ask, like, what did you learn? Like, you should be thinking about that right after, right? That's how you get better. I didn't know about it while I was doing it. I think about five years in. Yeah. I used to ask myself when I would get coked up in my cocaine stage. I've never done cocaine, but I would love to.

Bless you. No, no, no. Yeah, but I guess what? I'll do it if you wanted to do it. No, no, no, no. You should not even have that fucking attitude. It's so funny how you... My mom told me to say that.

When I first got into comedy, there was a lot of people like Rick a lot of friends that did it for some people that worked before they went on stage for me it just fucking didn't and I remember one night I got into an argument some fucking jerk off at the store comic and he said to me he goes

I guarantee you wouldn't be funny if he didn't do coke before I went on stage and I said to myself is this guy fucking retarded no I didn't know that if I thought he you know and then after a while it had just become a respect thing Yeah. Like, listen, Joey, I understand you're a junkie.

But this is what you want to do. What the fuck are you doing? Yeah. The fuck you're doing. So listen, yeah, the coke is there. We'll be up all fucking night. But let me do this set and take care of this. So that was the pep talk I would give myself.

So sure, I would do a $15 set, but I'd spend an extra $45 on cocaine. Even though I was losing, I was really winning. You know what I'm saying? I did. But I was really winning because at least I'd. did my spot and I gave yourself the full I gave myself to respect the respect the art of what we're doing I let me tell you something I'm not ever gonna lie to you and tell you I would go to Miami and I'd get there on a Monday and I'd start snorting on Monday by fucking Thursday you're

basically dog shit on stage because again you said it earlier there's no emotion in your comedy your comedy got to be it's uh what do you call those fucking mat-madigans what do you call it what do you Mad Mardigan from Willow? What do you call those people that just stand there? Millennials. No, when you go to the department store. Manikins. Manikins.

You're just a mannequin on stage. By the way, that was like an episode from $25,000 a pyramid. Things that stand there lifeless. My first time fucking. Where's Tony Bennett, Doug? Tony Bennett. A little something to break up the show in the middle here. I like that.

We don't fuck around here, Adam, right? Oh, how to respect this shit. Man, find me a voice like this now. He can't. You won't. You didn't. When somebody breaks your heart, some somebody twice as smart as I. A somebody who will swear to be true.

But then I went on the road with me to learn That I went on the road with like Paul Mooney a couple times Rogan, Dice And you learn from everybody you go out with And you put, you know, what I learned from Rick Kerns, what I learned from Todd Jordan. They all had the same quality of giving a young comic a chance And giving them advice

and, you know, even though we're not the funniest people in the world, they see something that they're giving us the work to open up for them. So it gives us a little boost of confidence. Rogan really smoothed it all out. I mean, him and Todd Jordan were the two guys that were like John Gotti. They really had a class to the business in my view. You know what I'm saying? When you travel with Joe, it's class A to fucking Z.

There's no misunderstandings. You know what I'm saying? Like it was just, even in the very beginning, you were like, Jesus Christ. This is like a dream from true. That's amazing. Everybody else I work for you. You got to do this. You got to do that, not Rogan.

You just got an email. Bam, get out of here, go up here, do this. Wow, it's all right. Jesus Christ. And it spoils you, but it also shows you the boundaries of what you could be doing. I mean, I remember being in all the clubs of them before he went into theaters. It was either me, Ari, or me, Ari, and him, or something. Sometimes it was me, him, Duncan, and Ari.

Joe didn't give a fuck. When he was on Fear Factor, he was bringing nine motherfuckers with him. He had he bravo to train with tape? Oh, yeah. We always rode seven fucking deep, man. Those people are staying until he goes on stage. He was like, let's pack it in, right? He would give us each 12 minutes.

Wow. He would pay us each the same, all great money. He paid for us to fly. You know, sometimes he'd upgrade you the first class if there was room. when you went to eat you don't go to fucking White Castle with Joe You know the first thing you see him do Is typing up some fucking steakhouse

And in those days we were just Go into the Brazilian Steakhouse Yeah So we would roll in there eight deep Get an eight-man table And eat that fucking restaurant I was four fucking hundred pounds People I'd see these white people

What's the name of the place? Fogo de Chowl. Fogo de Dette That's what that place is More people have had heart attacks You go to fog with a child. They have every meat there, right? Yeah, but it depends on what you eat and how big your stomach is

and how much hunger you have. Listen, man, when I was Lee's age and I went out at night, I don't have to lie to you guys. I could kill a 24-ounce piece of meat with a baked potato, a salad, clams oreganoat or up front, maybe a bowl of fucking pasta of Azul or something.

Ooh. With a fucking, with three or four cocoa. coals. Wow. You know, I can't do that now. No. I go to fucking Morton's with my wife. I get to 12 months.

I cut it in half and I eat six ounces there. I take the other six for breakfast and I even cut that out of my diet. That was it. That's too much fucking meat, especially when you put that steak in in the morning. It got shot by a bone arrow. It was crying. You eat the fucking thing that you get depressed. Fuck that shit.

No more meat. Shot by a bow and arrow? Who's killing me? Who the fuck knows? I don't know how to kill these poor asses. animals anymore. But every time you eat certain animals, like when I eat bacon from Marie-E tea, it makes me very happy. I know the bacon was killed. I know the pig, they killed them all right. They rubbed his back. They stuck the pencil in his ear. Vito-Jenevistile. They stuck a pencil

on the ear. And that was it. You know what I'm saying? If I know you're kicking them and shit, you know, it tastes different. No, it does. You can feel the pain. You do. You can taste the pain in the animal like chicken. I don't trust chicken no more. But sometimes Why not? Because... And what was your ultimate trust in chicken era? About six years ago, I had some chicken. That's when I found that when they were beating chickens up.

Now, when I ate a chicken, I could tell if it's been beat up or smacked around. Oh, my God, that's so funny way. We all know a victim, we all know... We've all tasted one. A victim with domestic violence. Jesus, that chicken. We all know. That chicken saw some shit.

So that chicken, you can taste it as you eat, like those Boston Market chickens. Oh, my God. Those chickens have been abused and kicked. a good life. No, no, no. They dropped them off from front of the church. You know what I'm saying? It's those type of chickens.

They're all depressed and shit. They never seen a big being in their lives. I don't know if I'm like, I'm not going to go home and ruin someone's day on Yelp, but on my podcast, I'll say a national chain. But I'm talking the truth. Hey, Boston Market, stop beating your chickens. I used to go to Boston Market when open. Those chickens were healthy. They had life.

They were happy. When you ate the chicken. How did you know they sent you letters? Because the chest. You can tell by the breast. if they're happy. When you get the breath, book up,

it's got a big chest. It's got a lot of fucking bug up in there. There's a lot of meat in that motherfucker. The chickens, you go fine right now with chicken from Boston Market, how big it was. And how big a chicken from Boston Market is now.

Now they're getting these chickens. Don't even let them grow. They're like, do you think you're a pummeling them with testosterone back in the day? I don't know none about that. I know. I know they were getting beat up, though.

How do you know? Because when I was a kid, my mother went to a place and got the chickens direct. And they take the feathers, they chop it head off, they cut them into body parts, and they sold them like that. I would look at the chicken before you fucking brought it home. You had to pick the chicken and look them in the eye and go,

I'm going to take you home. Holy shit. My mom didn't believe in frozen chicken. That's why when I go to somebody's house, I see somebody with a bag of frozen chicken colors, my heart stops. That's the worst thing you could eat. I know people wait that for years.

Why is that the worst? because that poor chicken has been to death. You know what they did to those chickens? They just froze them alive. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, they put them in a freezer like a narcos. They make them walk into a freezer with a blindfold down. Oh, my God.

They freeze into death. Then they take them out. They're dead. Then they chop them up when they melt. Isn't that what you do with lobsters? Isn't that nice? What's that? You ever taste them in a fridge?

I'm going to become a vegetarian tonight, man. You ever taste a sad lobster? The same thing with lobster? Sad lobster? Yeah. Sometimes you're going to lobster. I think they're opening for hooting the blowfish next week. No, sad lobster, it tastes kind of weird.

When it's juicy and it's got that sweetness to it, and the meat is very soft. And when you're dipping in the butter, some of the meat and breaks, that's a happy lobster. He got a happy life. Well, lobster's love butter, right? I don't know. Where the fuck they're going to get butter on the fucking water,

Adam, right? Wait, they've got a supermarket on the water, and they're swimming there and go, let me got a pound the butter and shit. Let me get some shout out saying Oh my God Fuck yeah Lee how are you feeling over there

We had some stars We had a good time You're off till next week Now what are you going to do for a way But any thoughts I know Montreal Yeah maybe we'll No Airbnb

Maybe Who knows There's so many What are you getting into Come on Lee you got an Airbnb I haven't seen your scratch In a while

Paul Traneer Lucas Bradley Megan 715. I love you. Rob Marley. Debbie. Five God is Beth. Jeremy Slagarth, my main man, Don Wrangler, and the fucking king of wing, Steve Grizzly. Are you fucking kidding me? Or what? 20 of life, no parole. You am saying? You go on the road still a lot? Yeah, I've been on the road, as we just talked about. I did Zanies Rosemont this past week for the first time. So I mean, I've been on the road

for the last three, four months. I tried to tape my special. That is solemnly a great little comic. I just watched it again two weeks ago. And then I was just, I wanted to see the room and I wanted to rewatch your shit. And it was just like, it got me really pumped to be there. That's a great. It's an unbelievable room, unbelievable city.

And I don't know. I dig the road right now. I've only been headlining for, man, since 2013, so about four years. So I still really enjoy it. And a lot of new cities getting to go to. And now I'm getting to go back to places like a second and third time. and it's fun You've done a lot on television

The last couple of years Uh handful of I'm under new Caribbean enthusiasm's coming back in October I'm in that Okay Were you on the old? No, the new one It's coming back

There's a new season Yeah Did you get a few episodes Uh yeah Good for you And a couple Netflix movies Coming out And then you know

Brad Williams and I Who uh He's getting married this weekend Um And my podcast partner About last night And how many podcasts you got Don't you got like 22

I had two I had another one with Josh Wolf, a sports comedy one, and we stopped doing that. So now it's just mine and Brad Williams. It's called about last night. You and Theo doing a celebrity one? No, that's a different dude. Theo does one with the kid. Matthew Cole us.

Matthew Colis. Yeah. You guys are getting like fucking gangsters or shit. I mean, Brad are getting some gangsters yet. We got Reese Willisman coming up, Sandra Bullock. Fuck, man. Goo Goo Goo Dolls, TJ Miller, Zach Ephron, some cool people coming up, you know? You just hit them up.

Yeah. I mean, look, I mean, it's like, again, like we've talked about, you, you get to a certain place and you just try to, like, hope that you can, you know, be genuine with your intentions on, you know, when you meet somebody and then you, like, my buddy might is in this movie with Reese Willispoon coming up. And he's been on my podcast a bunch. And he, I hit him up and was like, hey, we should get you and Reese on. And he was like, fuck yeah. And then I went through his publicist and, like, now it's going to. So it's just, you know, trying to think outside the box and do that shit. but, you know, there's also times when I'll reach outside my boundaries,

I feel like I can hit up somebody to do it, and they'll say, what are you fucking crazy? Like John Stamos, because he's afraid of little people, and Brad and Brad and him got into a thing, and we've been... Wait, he's legitimately afraid of little people, man, so at one point we were tweeting him nonstop,

like, come on the podcast and face your fears. What does he think is going to happen? I don't know, too. That's an opening question. They just make you nervous, bro. Some people make you nervous. Dude, yeah, until I met Brad, I didn't know. I had a friend that midgets made him nervous.

When I was growing up, had you met a little person until you met Brad? For sure, right? How many? How many, though? How many, what? Little people had you met until Brad? 15.

That's a fucking, dude, that's a big number. And I met him in the 70s. When little people were gangsters and shit. Wait, what? Listen to me. Tell me, I don't even know if Brad knows the LP history. Okay, I remember there was this bar that my mother used to go there. Seventies midgets.

What do they do? It was in West New York, New Jersey. And every time it get packed, about 4.30, right before we got in, ready to leave to go, he did it. This midget would come in. And he would walk and go, mm, mm, and he'd give you a card, right? He'd hand you a card. For a freedom? No, and on the card was sign language, but connected to the card was a pen with the American flag on it.

Okay, so you'd look at the card. he'd go throughout the whole ball, right? And then at the end, he walked back in the other direction. He's like, mm-mm. And either you gave him a dollar, or he took back the fucking thing from you, right? Mm-mm-mm. And he took it back from you.

When I was a kid, I was so fucking creeped out the first time this guy walked into that ball. I didn't know what to think. Yeah, you never seen it. I'd never really seen him. Come on. And then I saw him, my mother did something with numbers, so we had to go to this bar.

So whenever I was with my mom on this particular day, We would have to go and I'll never forget one time the place was fucking packed and also Mm-mm walks in We're a little tuxedo on the whole fucking thing By the way, mm-mm is a great nickname for anybody How many pins do you have to sell it a dollar apiece to get a toxedo? Like if you didn't listen if you didn't give them a dollar If you didn't give him a dollar and it was like the 70s a dollar was a lot of money

But if you didn't give him a dollar Was it what was a dollar then? Like a five dollar bill you know shit yeah so he's looking for a dollar okay so he would you did that so you gave you him a dollar it was fucking hilarious he would sit there and then you like fuck you take you yeah take it man stop a dollar because he would you would go what and he would and you go a dollar you just come up it's that's like me coming up to you with a bucket like the honda

commercial yeah an act of good faith you know when they show up and give away ice cream and not once that they had a check show up and suck your dick. That's the act of kindness right there. That's when I everything's a Honda, you know what I'm saying? When I see them show up with three hot chicks coming to your corporation, like a place that works with midgets or something like that, they got a bunch of people disabled, and they come in and start sucking that little midget dick. Honda. They wear the blue shirts. Yeah, they got the blue shirts on, and there's little midget comes splattering anywhere. Oh my God, hilarious. But they don't do that, Honda. They

They got the balls. They want to go give out milkshakes and shits. There's a lot of commercials and sponsors that could take a lot more risks. Hold on. Carl's Union did it when they had titties and fucking barbecue sauce.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to push the envelope. So I went there about four months later and he walks in. And by this time, I wasn't scared. I know what he was about. How often is he trying to sell you the same pins?

He would try to sell him every. Every day. That was his job. Yeah. He's committed to a life Pins. You know, in those days, Guttemberg, New Jersey, in 1980. Is it ever called Gutenberg?

From 1980 to 1990-something, had more bars per capita than anywhere else in the country. No shit. If you walk through Guttemberg, you hit 20 bars and it's only two or three blocks long. What? Guttemberg is the original Vegas? No, fucking New Jersey, you fuck Vegas. And it's in a hot spot. 20 bars.

A lot of times you look at pictures of New York City, that's Guttemberg. because Guttenberg is like from 79th Street to 71st Street. 69th Street to 71st Street. So it goes from Boulevard East to, I think maybe. No, it goes into like the 3rd Avenue before Kennedy Boulevard. They just made up a town one day. Somebody came in with a big envelope and said, I said, let me want to take over a town, make a fuck, the school.

And they said, all right, we'll give you. Take over a town, make a fuck, that school. So did a great proposal. In those days, people, they were, The big money in those neighborhoods in those days. Was what? Bars. You know, people were drinking.

People, the Vietnam War was ending. You know, there was a lot of sports going on. What do you think prompts the most drinking? Boxing, boxing was on television for free. There was no pay-per-view. It was on W-O-R. Some of these bars could almost benefit more so by not charging for the fight. Don't you agree?

Well, if they charge, if they don't charge, it costs them $10,000. They go by capacity. All right, I guess. uh-uh, walks in. All right. He goes all the way to the end. He's walking back. And finally,

he goes up to some guy. I don't know. Forget this. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And the guy goes, and he goes,

Mm-hmm. And this guy goes in his pocket, and he's got a while like this, and he's got a $100 bill. He pulls the 100 out. He goes, you got a change of 100? And the guy goes, I got it in my pocket.

Give me that fucking thing back. And they smacked him a few times. They throw out, mm-mm. And I never saw him again. That said he was a fake. He was a fool. Casey, the deaf dude. Oh.

That was his living. You know how much money you can make? If you go into fucking 30 dollars, $2 a piece, that's $60. But he was really a little person. Yeah, sometimes he'd take the fear. So he could tell you anything. He got shot his legs. He can tell you anything.

Yeah. You know, it was crazy. He probably, he's probably still around. Mm-mm. On his way to a living and shit. He looked him up. Is he on Facebook? Never paying taxes. I don't know how to spell that. You know, that creative.

There was so many things like that that people did fake shit like that with that. It's kind of, I would always look at it as ballsy. Yeah. I would look at it and go, Jesus Christ, your shit is no end. I saw a video the other week of this guy doing just that. He's pretending to be like special. I'm pretty sure I could try to find the video if you want. And so the news called him on it.

Oh, you got to pull out for sure. Let me see what I'm trying to do what. Be special. I can't remember. Be special. I can't exactly, I don't want to misquote the video, so let me try to find it. Oh, please.

You know, to lament me with this shit. No, it's, uh, that's, I don't even know how we got on the time. Midgets, small people. I was telling me about my podcast. At first when I was younger, Brad, and Mary. At first, they would, they would scare me. But after, I don't know. That's right.

And then I knew a couple in Jersey. When I moved to Jersey, where did I know? Like in Union City. Do you remember what you felt or what you, you know, to me, uh, look, I didn't. I didn't ask in those days. I think people over, you know, when I hear people like Stamos or anybody that has like a phobia or says anything off color to joke it, which is basically kind of deflecting their own insecurities about being around when I'm like, they're people. It's a person that's a little bit smaller.

And, you know, so make that adjustment. And like, I don't know. People that, like Stamos, like, what are you doing? What are you afraid of a person? Like, what are you doing? This is a smaller person. He's like, dude, you can't be fucking the size of a kid and the, you know, have the baseball skills of a fucking relief pitcher.

How many people will fire you if you shake their hand because they have germ phobias? Yeah. You know, that dude went to the store a couple weeks ago and he went on stage and he wouldn't shake the guy that brought him up and he wouldn't shake my hand. I get it. I fucking get it. Sometimes I think it's a fake phobia. It's a phobia to be cool.

But I can't see having a phobia against little people. You know, maybe this is. saying to me. It is. It's not a phobia. It's an insecurity. Yeah. It's when you look at somebody and go, you know what, I feel kind of guilty. I'm not going to deal with it. Because I had that growing up some times about certain things that I'd see and I go, well,

what are you going to fucking do? Yeah, we're all a product of our environment. Are you finding this special needs video? I'm trying. Well, let's see what I'm trying. What did you Google, by the way? Uh, let's see. Oh, shit.

Hold on. This is it. Terry Thompson, Kentucky Beggar, who fakes having a disability earns 100,000 a year. Holy shit. You have no idea. He's the greatest actor of all time. They work it, and they work the system. And you...

How often have you heard about... There's a certain street corner when I pull off a freeway exit when I'm home in Seattle. And there's always someone perched up there, right? There's just always someone with a sign at this freeway exit. it. It's like just a classic spot. Like you're literally like, it's almost like you're always going to be at always going to be that light

for at least three to five minutes. So there's always a decent amount of time for you to go through the emotions of recognizing the sign, seeing the person. You have enough time to size them up and decide if you want to, if you think money's going to help. Do you have the money? Like what's going on with you right now? All right. I've watched the report

where especially the guy appeared. There's a guy appear somewhere. But I've heard that these guys fake. Some of them fake it. They find the good spots they checked them out and one day the cameras followed them eyewitness four and they'd show them fucking like staying out there from uh six a m to 10 a m rush hour four hours they'd pick up the bucket they'd walk two blocks they'd make a left walk another block and they'd get into their brand new yeah SUV and drive off and drive uber you have no idea listen only here we're black there's a You're the homeless guy 10 to 6 to 10.30, Uber black drive for 1130 to fucking 4 a.m.

What the fuck? And one day they pulled up. One day the investigative report pulled up as he was getting to get out of the parking spot. And he rolled his window down there. When we were watching, you have footage of you, how can you do such a thing? And the guy's like, hey, we got an all eat. Like, he had no fucking shame. And he had a sign that he had three missing kids and the whole fucking deal.

There was a guy on my old street. I think they made a move, but he had, he would always wear denim everything, had a sign that his house was going to be foreclosed on. He did it right by the mall. He was there every day. I bumped into a guy. It's commit, you know.

I bumped into about six, seven. I moved up here in 2009, maybe, 2010. I moved on this block at the end. And we were living there. One day I'm walking, and some guy goes, Joey, go, hey, we're. What's happened? I don't know. How you doing, man? You don't remember me. I was the camera guy on this movie we shot. You shot three days on. You went with, I didn't remember the guy, but I couldn't tell him that. Yeah. It's good to see you. You've been working much. Yeah, yeah. And it was something. My wife was either pregnant or something. His wife, he, his wife, he's, my wife's a realtor. And we started talking. We were looking for a house for a place to move to. and I connected her with my wife

and then my wife comes back and she's like let me tell you this lady's acting a lot of creepy fucking question and I go what type of question and she goes well she wants this this this this she wants her back in no fucking way do I give a certain shit out I don't give a fuck if it ends the relationship

you know what I'm saying there's no reason why you should have that information and sure enough you got to omit some stuff right these people were living in people's guest houses like they were one of those people, they were faking. The guy always looked like a fucking bum.

And then one day when Mike Dowd came and did our podcast like two years later, I tell him Mike Dowd, stay over here. It's an Airbnb that my buddy owns. He's a down the corner over here. We can pick you up. No, I want my own Airbnb. He picks him

a fucking hub in North Hollywood. I mean, where you could see that they killed people before, you could smell the gunpowder in here. And when I picked them up the one day... He said what kept sending me to pick him up? The guy who was renting the house was that dude and his wife. No way.

And that's how they were making a living. They were renting the house and Airbnb in the whole house. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Listen, you don't know nothing. I don't know about three years ago before I signed with CIA. I knew this chick and she started a commercial agency. I called the one. Yeah.

Spoke. And I've been with, listen, I've been with a lot of fucking agents. How many? How many commercial agents? At that time, that, That was maybe my fort in 15 years, maybe 17 years. I haven't been here 20 years yet. Oh, what was your main commercial during that time?

What was the one that you were like, fuck yeah, I got that? My first commercial ever, the first one with the dog from Taco Bell. Oh. I just moved here, G, money. Oh, yeah. You don't know what it's like. That's all the old days for commercials. Dude, fucking.

When I first got here. Welcome to LA. Do you want to stay at the forum? And it had nothing to do with me. I lived on Hollywood Boulevard before you hit LeBray. Those buildings that all looked the same. Yeah. On the left-hand side, don't let you move in there with bad credit, no credit.

East of LeBreya, right? Yeah. Like, I don't know nothing. I don't know. Listen, I'm no fucking Boy Scott. You're on Hollywood Boulevard and you're about to hit fucking LaBreya. I don't got a compass. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know about East West. And there, we lived in there. What the fuck was I even talking about? About living... About the commercial agent? Yes. Something like that. I was with Sutton, Barton-Mannari for a fucking seven years, man.

And then I went with nobody for a while. And I tried these guys in Beverly Hills, but they were a pain in the ass. I didn't even fire them. You said you got a Taco Bell commercial. Yeah, okay. So I moved out here, and I got a Taco Bell commercial, and that's when you made cash. But when I lived in those apartments... Yes.

There was a kid that was a fucking piece of shit. His girlfriend was a 12. She was 22. He had that bit stripping over at a... Jumbo's clown room. No, the fuck out of here. This chick was the real deal. Holyfield.

This chick was on a lot of Sanica naked, making a nickel a night off of fucking Sean Pan. And the fat fuck who killed himself with the cocaine. And, oh, yeah. That place over there is a pussy magnet in 98. the place on La Siena. If you go on La Siena and you go towards the airport, there's a place on the right-hand side that's been there says Jesus left Chicago.

And here's the weird thing. There's no real fucking boot. You got to watch them naked from three feet away. Hollywood has a law. I personally went in there to pick up my girlfriend one night. And she goes, you got to go in there and see this. And it was the fucking fat dude before who died. What's the name Farley?

Farley? Sweating profusiously with his hand. him back, taking 50s or 20s and just drawing him at the girl and laughing by himself. That's how I knew he was out of his fucking mind. When was this? About maybe three weeks before he died.

Shut the fuck up. That strip club does every dude, those girls and they make money. But back to the original story. This loser went to do a national commercial. Yeah. And it was Doritos. Toritos was killing the game for a little bit.

Jay Leno. Dude, they hired. Doritos. Forget about Jane Lennel. This guy was a guy like you that needed a job. Forget about Jay Leno. I don't know. This fucking kid shoots a commercial and he goes, hello, Cleveland.

And he plays the guitar and he picks up a bag of Doritos. Well, they shot the commercial. But then for an hour, two or three hours, they shot him with different Dorito bags from all over the world in different languages. Just playing the guitar. No, no, no, no. No guitar.

Just with a bag of Doritos. Doritos before it blew up. They just had him pick up a bag. He would play the guitar and go, hello Cleveland, and he'd pick up a bag of Doritos, eat it, and he would blow up in the arena, and all the kids would go, wow. Doritos, like, confetti.

He read it in like 10 different languages. He didn't even fucking know what he had done. No. He came home thinking, you know, I'm getting scale. I booked the commercial. I'm so excited about a fucking six weeks later. He comes in.

He's like, you got to see. this fucking check I got. And the first, like, it was 1998, 97. And this check had to be, like, his first check after nine weeks,

was like, no, was like 22,000 because they had to pay him for each market of the world or something. And then, like, four days after that, he got, like, 40 Gs. Because in those days, they didn't pay you.

Like, I booked an international, I walked into a commercial, thing. This guy had already put me in two commercials. In fact, I talked about one and shit. A construction worker with a hammer. Come on. I got this like a motherfucker. You got a construction worker down by the house.

I walk in there. It's international, national fucking prime to whatever they call the prime time. They have a name for it. National is big. National. It's something else. It had 20 different categories. I'm thinking big money.

That dude, that That was my neighbor, moved out, got moved into a two-bedroom house in Hollywood Boulevard somewhere and bought a BMW. He said he got checks for a long time. There's a scene in Titanic where a kid opens up the gate and she gets in it. He was an extra, bro, and they picked them on location to do that. You know what his first residual check was? You don't want to know. 50 Gs?

Those movies, you make fucking money, those first checks. What do you do with that money? What do you think of you do? You snort Coke. You get hookers. You pay your rent. You pay the insurance on your car. It's your first big check.

They were Dave and Busters. What do you do with your first big check? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, my first big check did I got a 20K one from the heat. And I put a bunch towards my car and some loans. And then I took a couple grand of it and was like, I'm going to go on a trip. And that's what I did.

Right? My first big movie check was $3,600. I thought I was Johnny Gambine. I remember going to the check cash in place and whitset. Like what's going on in this motherfucker? I hope you got enough money to cover this cash. Uncle Joey's here to shut off your fucking lights. And they take out fucking 5% of shit.

No. Yeah, it was crazy. Like, when I got out of here, people were talking about all this big money. And every movie I booked was fucking scale. Everybody would go, oh, wait until you get a fucking pilot dog, $30,000. every pilot. I shot five pilots and five pilot season. Not one of them paid $10,000 fucking dollars.

Really? One pilot paid me good because it was CBS in 95, or seven. That, we didn't even fucking, I shot like two days on it. Maybe, maybe. And they paid me a shitload of dough for those times. You know what I'm saying? Like that was like, ooh, I've been starving for fucking. At that point, I was starving.

Five years. Wow. Plus, I was getting chased by creditors. I had just gotten divorced. Oh, I was a fucking mess. I would go to comedy clubs, and there would be a creditor on the phone. They want to talk to me about something. Hey, what's going on?

Discover card. You never sent us a payment. What? Can you imagine that, Adam, Ray? I can't. To go into the comedy store, getting ready to go on stage, and they call you over and say, there's a phone call for you, and you pick it up, and it's like, hi, Adam.

American Express. Have a great set, by the way. And you're like, how do it? We never get your payment. So we're not going to, unless we get it by 9 a.m. tomorrow, we're going to cut your shit off, and they can't because you're an addict. And there's a scam you got. You go to a restaurant, and you got $100 worth of food.

But the weighted pocket's 50 and sells you a half gram of Coke, like that Mezzaluna, the place the fucking, where what's her name was, before she got slashed up and half, OJ's wife. Mezaluna was a place that every tab was $3,000. What? But two people go to dinner. That's a fucked up fucking restaurant. in Brentwood? Yeah, before all that shit, that was a cocaine restaurant.

Look it up, they got indicted three years after fucking Nicole got killed. Who was this? Who do you think you're dealing with some novice here? No, no, not, not, no. You think they were dropping off sunglasses to Nicole's house? Somebody just told me that they were a, was it Wayne Federman, I think? You know Wayne Federman? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

I think Wayne was telling me, I feel like it was him that was, he was a bartender or at a restaurant in Brentwood that Nicole would come into and OJ. And she would leave, and then he would just beeline to these women at the bar and, like, get their numbers. Oh, yeah. Like, right after. It was a disgusting, filthy relationship. Somebody had to die. Remember that season of the Sopranos that had opened up, but somebody's got to go? Yeah.

Like, those two were just doing nasty shit. It never all came out. Like, nobody knows the truth, bro. Somebody ended up fucking dead. That was some crazy shit. Man. Think about that. But somebody that you dated to end up dead at him.

Have you ever? I would... No, man. I've never... Have you ever thought about it? That's a crazy level. You gotta get deep. How crazy would you have to be the stab ball in the neck of the cat potato?

I remember I threw a pillow at an ex-girlfriend once, and I felt bad about that. And it was like a soft pillow. Like, it did... I missed her. About that people. Hold on. That's the Fed's coming out. They're like...

Sure. Finally he admitted about the pillow incident. You know, it's kind of crazy that way. I can't imagine to try to, like, actually hurt somebody. That's crazy. What would drive somebody or fucking kill him? their wife, their ex-wife, especially the mother of their fucking child.

They were doing some dirty shit. Yeah. It never came out to embarrass the families and the kid and all. Listen at the end, they threw him in jail. They're going to let him out. Would he ever come to shows? Well, he what? Would he ever come to shows? I think he'd be stupid

if he left his house. At this point. He's an old fucking man, bro. He's moving to Florida now. To do what? To retire. To retire. Yeah. Retire. He's got a huge pension

from the NFL, brother. You think so? I know so. That's how he makes a living. That's how he makes a living from his fucking pension. He ain't missing meals. That's why the Goldman's can't touch.

The Goldman's can't touch his pension by law. So he lasts all the way to the bank. Wow. He probably gets $20,000. Look up. OJ's monthly pension. You'll find it. Your fucking head will go out.

Don't, dude, if I go, dude, hopefully you're giving most of that to kids. And then maybe you're going to Dave and Busters, like two days out of the week, get some tickets, get some fucking prizes, get a bouncy ball. He probably owes some money for this defense. God damn, I didn't go to the NFL. He'll go there. He'll go there. By the way, that sentence and that voice will never be said again.

No, it won't. I need to go to the NFL. Dude. You know what, though? The NFL seems like the fucking ticket, right? That's so crazy. 25 grand a month he gets. Oh, my God.

I told you. That's 300,000 a year that he lives off. He'll go to Florida. Plus, now he has to get Social Security and SSI and all that other shit that comes with it. He'll get himself a nice little small place in Florida. If he's smart. The first time they take a picture of him with a white woman, he's back in the fucking news. Yeah.

You can't go outside, man. So, you know, that's the problem. But he really, listen, he's 60 for whatever. How much longer does he have on this planet? He's 70. He's 70, guys. This happened 24 years ago, 25, 23. I don't fucking know the mat.

You know, so who knows how they're going to treat him now? Let him go into a community and die, dog. In a way, he paid for his sins. He didn't get to raise his kids. He didn't go to a lot of graduations. He didn't. He was in fucking jail. God knows what he was.

For how long? This last time he was in there for a while, and the first time he was in there for doing three years. I think it was like nine years. Oh, yeah, man. You know, listen, listen, he killed her. God knows why he killed her. You know, who the fuck knows?

Who the fuck knows if there was an accomplice? It was one of those relationships, bro, that was toxic. We date for a while. We break up. I fuck somebody. That's your friend. You fuck somebody who's my friend. Then we try to make it work.

Listen, it ain't going to work. Dude, let's let's quickly recognize the willingness to cut ties by a lot of people out there, right? That go through bullshit like that, cheated on, you're the cheater, whatever it is, and you can separate. How long for the woman you get cheat on before she goes out and sucks a dick, or vice versa?

Yeah, you know. How many times can I catch you cheating on me before I go out and fuck somebody or get rid of you? And then to stay in it. Like, what are you bringing to the table? Well, let me tell you what he was bringing to the table. He gave the parents, our parents a franchise.

And whenever, and I hate to say it, this way. I really do, ladies and gentlemen, but this is how you have to look at it. Whenever they went to Mezzaluna or any other Belly restaurant, the nigga played for dinner. You know, so that's the truth. That's saying it the right way.

He's paying. He's fucking my wife. You know, they knew he was beating her. If you knew that a man was beating your daughter, but now I'm in a predicament. I own a fucking Hertz race car thing that you gave me. How am I going to get rid of my daughter? What am I going to

pick my door. So there's a lot of other little things that were never really, people didn't look at the, people only looked at the fucking big picture. They never really looked at all the little things that were being affected, you know what I'm saying? But at the end,

calm is always dead and knock on your door. And they always said, karma is always going to send your receipt. Can you imagine Bill Cosby, bro? The last 30 years of Bill Cosby's life what he did to people. And one day, when you're retired,

all you should be doing is being at home counting 20s and watching TV and getting your foot rubbed by Chinese people. Hopefully. Some fucking black comedians says that you were a rapist and lights on fire. 60 women come out of the grave. And now you're on trial again. He's on trial again when you're 70. What causes that shit to happen? What causes a mafia captain to be a fucking mobster all his life, kill people?

maybe two four years here but he left money his kids are well educated he goes into his 50 he become a captain maybe he becomes an underboss now he's making 200 grand a month everybody's eating fucking lobster the kids are living in a mansion

two of your kids are in private school and one day at 6 a.m. Mr. Cosby it's the federal fucking government and they come in they take everything you got they put you in jail for the rest of your life and your kids have to live like fucking mooks.

Like, what's that fucking dude they did in HBO? About the fucking Swindler? Oh, um, made off. Can you imagine one of his kids killed himself? Oh, shit, man. At that point of your life, you lived your whole life like a savage,

and all of a sudden, you're going to die in the can as an old man. Do you don't know what it's like to be an old man in present? Do you have any fucking idea? I've had NyQuil dreams about it. It's not a fucking pretty sight, man. It's not a pretty sight. So

those guys that live all their lives like captains and all of a sudden dying a fucking prison, karma always sends you a fucking receipt, bro. Karma always sends the fucking t-shirts, Joey. I speak in fucking the church

of what's happened now. When's the next club you're going to be at? West Palm Beach Improv, September 7th through the 9th. If this comes out before then, Will it? Yeah, no, this comes out tomorrow, baby. We don't fuck around.

Yeah, September 7 through the 9th. Professional organization here. He's got a way to look at a half. You know, I was having a flashback to the, you know, sometimes you, you know, there's certain things you do. And I remember when I first, when podcast first hit and there was still like a handful out there, but then like there was, I would be on the road and there was some kid be like, hey, well, you might do a McDonald's?

And I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm going to do a podcast. And then he was like, I'll put this up. I'm like three weeks because I got to get my audio shit together. And I was like, fuck, what if I was I doing? Also, I know you got a lot of heavy hitters coming through. So I don't know when this is going to drop.

But tomorrow is great. No, no, no, no. We don't fuck around here. We don't cover it on fucking podcast. Also, all this OJ shit is super topical, so we got to get it out of there. No, no, no. We were just talking about a situation where it's not that it's super topical. It's that we're talking about karma and how it affects different.

Totally. And I'll also say this about that OJ shit. Like how many instances. in the entire history of our country have happened to where I mean, yo, I heard some OJ shit like a week ago and I was fucking riveted. You know what I'm saying?

Like, there's certain things that you're just like... He lived like a king's... Dude, I was in a conversation with some people and some, like yourself, that were like somewhat attached to like what was happening. And I couldn't fucking believe what I was listening to. You know, I was so, you know, again just

overwhelmed with the amount of information I was getting towards me West Palm Beach Improv September 7th through the 9th Tembibrov Tropicana Laugh Factory Vegas all Adam Rake Comedy.com Look at you shit

You got any movies coming out You got a couple on Netflix Curbian enthusiasm About last night podcast of Brad Williams A few of the things in the works And nobody got offended And including Brad I'm not to offend nobody

I'm old school. I grew up on midget. I grew up. Dude, I love it, too. You know what I say? In my jokes, in my jokes when I have, I tell a story.

Growing up midgett, by the way, is the name of your sitcom. Midgets? You know, you used to torture midgets in his act, a nice clay. Oh. And I would fucking die

when he'd talk about midgets with their little arms and their big heads and all this shit. Can I? He would say some fucked up shit. Yeah. Can I say this about Brad, too,

No, no, Brad's a super great kid. A super great kid. And also, like, it's just like, it's really, like, on top of him being a great comedian, like, he makes you feel comfortable around him. He goes out of his way to recognize in certain situations where people are like, oh, shit, like, I haven't been around a little person before. I don't know how to respond. He goes out.

He'll take the edge off people. I've seen him do it before. He puts it on himself immediately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a very underrated element of his personality and his, just who he is as a person where he goes, I don't want anybody to feel uncomfortable around me. And I want to be comfortable around them in turn. But that being said,

look, it's a bummer that he's about to get married and now he's not going to be making cookies anymore. But, you know, it's all good. He's a good dude, man. What's going on, Lisa? Yeah. Look at you. Those stars got to you.

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Lee Syatt, nobody loves you more than me. Cox sucker telling me you lived through shit. We'll see. The fucking 9-11 on TV. You was 9-11 on TV. So did you. No, I didn't. I was sleeping. My wife was crying and living. I didn't know what was going on. The Giants had lost that Sunday night before. Also a big deal that week, yeah.

It was a bad thing. Thank you for coming. I love you, man. We'll see you this weekend. Have a great Labor Day weekend. Be safe with your family. Stay black. I love you. Oh, my God.