The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #514 - Jerry Rocha

Episode Date: September 7, 2017

Jerry Rocha, Comedian and host of "The Ramble," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Watch Jerry's special, "Gabriel Iglesias Presents: The Gentleman Jerry Rocha" NOW on NETFLIX.  This podcast is brought to you by:   My Bookie - Join now and MYBookie will match your deposit with up to a 100% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000. www.mybookie.ag Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 09/06/2017  

Welcome to Podcastville, beautiful people. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by my bookie. Dot A.G. Listen, ever since we started this podcast, people always want to know shit. They want to hear about this or that. And this week is it. Everybody wants to know who's going to win college. Who's going to win Thursday night?

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Use promo code church to activate the offer. Visit MyBooky.ag today and use promo code church. You play, you win, and you get paid. That's what it's all about. Kick that fucking mulee. Big payback. Oh shit. That's what I'm talking about.

Denzel and man on fire. Oh shit. This is your mental state for the day. You're paying back today, bitches. The church of what's happening now. Thursday, the 7th of September. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Watch that monkey. It's going to be a good day, motherfuckers. Uncle Joey. Jerry Rocha. What's up? And my main motherfucking Christ killer, Lee Syedico. I don't know karate, but I know correct. Oh, shit.

Dude. You better get ready. For the Big Bayback. That's where I laugh. Oh. I remember. Payback. Are you fucking...

Can be showed me that. That song is 20 a life no parole. That's when you leave the house when you go take a motherfucker out with a skateboard, you know what I'm saying? Remember you showed me that concert in Zaire? Oh, please. When he comes out there,

that's what he opens with? With a little fucking cape on his shit. Some black dude helping him, tremendous. That's what I love about black people. They always help you with your cape. You know what I'm saying? Does anyone wear a cape anymore? I haven't seen anyone.

I got to bust it out next year. But anyway, before we start the podcast, our hearts go out to South Florida. to get the fuck out of there Cubans are there sitting there going listen we swam here we could we can fucking make it through Hurricane Irma

whatever her name is get the fuck out of there now my heart's with you the Cubans oh yeah pontum patin betta by la pinga it's time to abandon ship you start now you can be in Georgia by fucking Saturday get the fuck out there's not even water left to Costco

in Miami so my dad said his friend was in a line at a gas station for nine hours And they just were out of gas. And they were out of gas. Yeah, it's a night. It's no, bueno. What's your dad going to do? He says he's fine there.

He says he has the storm shutters up. He has food. He has water. He says he's going to be fine. He's got some hunker down. He's got some stars of death. Oh, he's got a little of everything. He'll sit there for a week and end up like Jack Nicholson and the shining.

He'll stand the neighbor. And I don't have the full details, but I tweeted it out today. JetBlue has something where they're only charging like $99. For flights to get out of Florida. So check them out. Because I saw, like, United was charging, like, $6,000 or something. Oh, that's evil. That's so fucked up to them.

Really, Delta raised their prices to Houston? Did you see that? I saw United today from Florida. I didn't see Delta from Houston, I bet. Like, to go to Houston, it's, like, fucking $9,000 and shit. People are, like, shame on you, Delta, really? What the fuck has happened to society? Man, dude, that's fucked up.

And they use any fucking excuse to bang me out on guys? gasoline, don't they? First of all, first of all, they raised the price of gas 10 years ago when fuel went up because of the bomb or the war. And then they started charging me on the fucking flights for it. Then the prices went down on gas, but they continue to charge me $25 bucks on the fucking flight. We also hear that people always said like, oh, the airline industry, I don't know if you

remember this narrative like four or five years ago, maybe 10 years ago, oh, they're just losing money. They're losing money. And then every flight you're on is completely full. Right. Every flight you're on is completely full. It's like Las Vegas. Every flight is full

They're throwing Chinese people To put other white people in fucking seats And every flight is full They don't give a fuck They throw dreamers off the plane They throw Mexicans off the plane now You're a dreamer get the fuck off You give it two or three days

You're gonna see a Mexican Getting dragged out of plane By United by his feet But I'm a dreamer I'm a dreamer Not anymore you're fucking They don't give a fuck United They throw everybody

You can buy a fucking A plane ticket from Stubb and they'll blow you off those people. They're notorious. They're not hurting. They're not hurting. They're not hurting at all. They haven't hurt in fucking 18 years,

those fucking teeth. 9-11 was the only time they are. Listen, bro, I travel every week, and I went off about it on the Rogan podcast, and I got a thousand emails because people know I'm not lying. You know the reason why you can't go through TSA with water? How fucking sad is that? That a fucking human being works hard for their money,

He made me bangs out of 50 fucking grand a year. Right. They want to take their three kids to fucking Disneyland. At the fucking gate, they throw away your powder, and they throw away your bottle of water. Then when you walk in the airport, they charge you $3.49 for a little tiny fucking desert water. Yep. Like, it's their own label. Like, you get it off the plane and shit.

Listen, guys, it never ends. And you know what, man, it always lands on the little guy's pocket. Always. You know, I look at fucking plane tickets. I look at plane tickets, dog. I look at playing tickets three fucking times a week. We have to. And the prices on flights are fucking ridiculous.

Ladies and gentlemen, there hasn't been a flight I've been on in the last two years that it's not packed to the gills. Everyone have been on. To the fucking gills. The only one that isn't if you do like if you go from L.A. to San Jose or some shit like that, that's it. That's a Southwest flight. You can take a flight to hell and it'll be packed.

Yes. It'll cost somebody 50. Just take that flight to get to that area. Right. To take a helicopter somewhere. It's a fucking nightmare what they're doing to people in this country. It's, and it's the little guy that came out. Little family cannot take a vacation.

And we were talking about, like, Houston, well, like that, like, the disaster stuff is terrible, but what about what they do every year? Try to fly home for Christmas. Try to fly home for Thanksgiving. And the prices are three times as high. Yeah. It's, it, dude. It's, but just say your, say, hey, we like making money.

Just be honest. Don't say, oh, we're hurting. So that's what we have to charge more for X, Y, and Z because the airline industry is not doing so well right now. And I get what happened in Houston. I understand what happened in Houston. But the fucking Harvey hadn't even been to Houston, and they were already telling you gas prices.

Right. We're going to go up the night before fucking Harvey even hit. They were like, well, what they're really scared of is they already knew. They're at home high-fiving. Fuck, yeah. Right. It's another chance to us to rape these motherfuckers. Because every dime across the fucking panace.

You figure, okay, so Joey, so what are you bitching about? Do you only raise the price of gas 11 cents? Think about that per gallon. That's a lot of money, man. That's a lot of money. You know, I was telling these guys that they used to be a captain in the Gambino's called Pat Conti. He only reported to Paul Costalama. Wow.

Okay. On the surface, he was on the chairman of the board of Walbounds. You ever hear of Warbombs, a supermarket chain in New York? He was the chairman of the board and war bombs. I don't know how many supermarkets they had across the country all across the East Coast

or across New York. Okay. He was the chairman of the board. This guy, if you saw a picture of Pat Conti from the Gambino's, you go, Joey, he's not a gangster. Right, right.

He was one of the biggest heroin the Gambinos had dealers. But he was such a professional. He made millions off it. Costalano knew it. Costalano took his envelopes, and he played it off So what this guy's biggest scam was, he went into every warbombs and built an extra aisle, a checkout aisle.

Like nobody knew nothing. Like when they're the general manager of wallbombs and you come in with a construction suit, go, hey, don't. Did you get the memo from headquarters? No, no, no. We're building a new checkout line to relieve. And the guy's like, okay, okay. And all of a sudden they're coming with paperwork and you have the official wallbomb station.

Pat Conti did that. Let's pretend they had 15 supermarkets, which we know we didn't. Probably way more. Way more. That last line, that aisle number 13 we put, went directly in his pocket at all 15 supermarkets. And they never closed that lane. That lane was always open. It was open 24 hours.

24 hours. Like the seven lane to go through and that one on the other side. Yep. You know how much that got? That light was always on. Costellano thought he was getting money from that 13th lane at 25 supermarkets. Right. He was really giving him heroin money.

Costalano know it was heroin money. Sure, sure, sure. So that's just to let you know what a percentage of a percentage does. It's in astronomical. Because if you have a little percentage, you say to yourself, Joy, but I got a point in a half, that's fine. But if you got a hundred of those restaurants and you make a point to half, that's a different fucking story. If you won't every gas station and you're charging 11 cents more. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Man. There's a pretty cool series on Netflix that I watch. It's called like Underworld Inc. And I watched one today about like the pirate trait, like the pirates in like Asia and Africa. So you had time to watch Underworld Inc. But you didn't watch Narcos again to support Gabriel Lacey's. Hey, come on.

For the fucking eight time I told you. Yes. That is true. You see what I'm saying? You try everything, buddy. Bro, I lead him to water. I'm going to watch. else can you do?

I mean, at this point. His girlfriend won't let him watch him without him. Oh, Jesus. Can you believe this? Thousands of couples watch shows together. But that don't matter. You tell him I watched the first two because, or I had to sit here and watch Underworld Inc. About some fucking African pirates robbing ships.

I could have been watching Gabriel and sent him a mail and said, Gabriel, you hit it out of the fucking park. But no, I waited a week to watch fucking narcos by myself. And you've had 92 hours sitting around to watch. Why do you just lie and? and say I watched it. Who gives a fuck? Who wants to watch it twice?

Who gives a fuck? Just make her happy. At least you know what's going on. I'm, I don't, who minds waiting. Gabriel's your buddy. Support the fucking God.

Then you could also act like you're the smartest guy on Earth and tell her what you think it's going to happen before it happens and you look like a genius. The fuck is wrong with you. Come on man. I don't think you. I think Gabriel's doing okay. You had the audacity to watch underworlding. Yeah.

About pirates and shit. Hey, wait a, Can I get selfish for a minute? My fucking hours is on Netflix. Yeah. I got a Netflix on Netflix on hours. Did you watch it?

Did you watch that? No, you got time to watch Underworld fucking pirates. This is what I deal with. This is not going to deal with. Who knew? I've seen every movie you're in, Joey. For a week, I've been talking about it. Put fucking narcos I don't watch game, bro.

I'm going to watch it to dunk. God forbid. God forbid the boss found out. He's coming to work tomorrow with a black eye and shit with an arm sling like Luca from fucking the chick upstairs. What's that song? My name is Suzanne Vega. My name is Luca.

I live on the second floor. I live upstairs from you. Some kind of trouble. Just don't ask me what it was. Oh, shit. He starts to hit me. Oh, shit. Fucking Luca.

I have a new nickname every show. It's not Smush. It's Luca. No, it's not smush. It's mush, cocksucker. Whatever. Shmush, smush. That's moosh.

Mush. It's the same one. We'll change it to smush. Mush. Mush is better. Oh, my God. You see, I got to deal with. I've tried everything.

You see what I got to deal with? I try that everything. Psychotherapy. Next, I just got to do it like Cuban style. I got to take two guys to kidnap them. I'm going to get two of those black pirates from underworld to take you out to Santa Monica. There's Asian pirates, too. I don't know.

They got all types of pirates. I wanted to see Gabe on Narcos, but there was a documentary about the Spanish missions in California. In the 1400th. They'll tie your hands behind your back and show you into the mouth of a fucking hammerhead and say the next time you fuck up, this is your fucking face. Yeah, but I learned a long time ago, Lee, don't fall. Just lie.

Just, oh, yeah, I haven't seen it yet. I don't, I don't, I don't, though. You know, let me tell you a true story about something. Let me tell you a true story about something. Let me tell you how bad that is. Let me tell you why I'm busting Lee's balls. Right. I have a very, very, very, very dear friend.

and he grew up with a very, very, very dear friend and they stayed friends for 30 years. And one night these two guys went to play golf or some shit where they had to hang out together and they got bored and they went to a movie. And the next day they woke up and the one guy told my friend

who you can't say something like this to him. Oh no, no, he said, do me a favor. No, no, he didn't say nothing to him. I guess they went home and the two wives got together. And the movie came up. And she goes, the movie was great. My husband went to see it with your husband. And she goes, he would never do something like that.

I thought that's crazy. He would never, ever do something like that. Go see a movie like that without me. He must have lied to me. So she went home. Oh, shit. And he denied it. Oh, fuck.

And now today. two childhood friends don't talk because of that one thing because of that life Jesus Christ childhood was it a good movie 15 years yeah it was at least 15 years they happen soon at every time I talk to one I go really guys wow they blame each other the wife looked at the other and said he knows better than to do something damn damn that's how bad it got Jesus Christ it's a book give the shit bro it's a movie that's a movie that's that's a movie that's That's how it starts with this fucking little thing here right here. What little thing?

It's not like she told me I couldn't watch it. Oh, please. Don't lie to us. She fucking took in the corner and grabbed you by the throat and pointed out you. Just don't ask me what it was. I swear to God, that's a true story. And they still don't talk after all. To this day.

Did they get divorced or something? Like, why? No, no. I bet the wife said you can never talk to me. No, the one wife's. They can't ever talk to him again. Oh, Jesus. And dudes listen.

They're like, oh, well, I guess I shouldn't. Over a fucking movie. Over a movie. God damn. Well, who gives a fuck? What do you give a shit? Come on. Get the fuck out of here.

Who cares? We live in a world. Just watch it again. Just go watch it with him again. Big fucking deal. It's not that hard. If something's good, I'll watch it five times. I'll watch it four times.

Yes. Because I want to watch the, oh, please. Do you have any time they watch the acting? thing. I want to watch the lyrics. I want to, you'll sit there every night and watch that Parks and Rec over and over with your girlfriend. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. You were watching

a couple weeks ago when I called. That's a repeat. Yes, it was. Don't tell me you weren't I called. I go, what are you doing? What did you do? No, I did. Yes, you did. No, please. No, please. The boss, that's the boss's show. That's the boss's show, you know. The boss is the show and millions of other

people. That is, that show. Talk about the softest shit. You know what I mean? Right? Like, man. Oh, my God. Yeah, dude. I don't know, man. But that's, I'm the same way. Like, Goodfellas, I'll watch 40 times. I'll watch those movies. Raging Bull. I'll watch Raging Bull every night. I would rather watch something that's

spectacular. Right. 40 times. Something new that came out that's garbage. Yeah, exactly. I won't even waste my fucking time with it. I wouldn't even, if it's on HB. fucking O, I wouldn't even watch it. I'd rather watch something that I'm going to get a value out of, that I'm going to get an emotion out of, that I'm going to learn an acting move out of, you know, listen, man, let's be honest.

I watch the Godfather 80 times. Oh, man. And every time I watch it. You learn something new. I learned something new. Every fucking time. A line, a mannerism, something Michael said, something Michael. So I can't imagine.

When I see a great Pete, like this shit that you thought was great, like Miami Vice, the TV show. Sure. You put Miami Vice on you, like, where's the gun? Where's the fucking gun? I'm going to shoot myself. Like, I really watched this shit. Like, the first two seasons were very intriguing.

They were great for the first two seasons. After that, it was like one episode per season was brilliant. Yeah. Everything else was garbage. I'll watch those over and over to learn something, to learn something by the directing, to look at the editing, which I don't know about, but I know when something's clunky. You ever watch something, you're like,

Jesus, this is fucking clunky. get the fuck out of here I never really got sold on the moving cameras yet that new style that it's very sheep yeah yeah there's nobody there's very rare

when it works sometimes it's okay but it's rare you know I hate that move around yeah yeah and I a guy like me would enjoy the rawness of it they're just doing it now to be cute it's not even raw

right right right they're doing it now just to be cute and shit like that yeah like like imagine the one of the well it's just good fellas for example the what's so funny about me scene like that was perfect with just

that stationary let's just hang on this dude the whole time you know what I mean the camera's just in one fucking place right on Joe Pesci it cuts once to see Ray Leota but then it's just you know it works way better that's way more intense than had it been fucking you know jerking around the whole table you know no it's way better that scene is way more intense

just by just you just hang on him you know like you just watch him get angry. You just watch him slowly get, and you're like, whoa, is this guy for real or not? Like, that's why it's one of the best scenes ever. Like, I'll watch, like, I haven't watched the Sopranos now for about a year.

I tried to watch from about three months ago, and I'm like, ooh, I can't watch this. Really? Yeah, it's got to be like another eight months, and then I'll start from scratch and I'll fucking drool as I'm watching. Right, right, right, right. I'll drool at Gabblini as I'm watching them at the fucking,

you know, it's funny because there was a thing two days ago that that's it with Columbus Day no more Columbus Days in California as a nationwide They're gonna call it like Indica Inca Indigenous Day shit

They got a bunch of Indians with arrows It's fucking tremendous Mexicans are pissed on the other side They wanted the corn You know what I'm saying They wanted to show up with the corn But the Indians on indigenous name Said no the corn belongs to us

So that's already a beef That's a complete different beat. Right, right. These Indians and these Mexicans on the southern California, they're going to go to war, and he fucking paid out. The Mexicans are on edge. You know what I'm saying? The fucking Indians are like,

we were the original dreamers. What Indians like the Sandman Mall? Yeah, they were the original dreamers. And you guys came and took the fucking label. They could be like, hey, you white motherfuckers were the first dreamers. Yeah. This was our place. It's going to get crazy.

That is something that, listen, whatever. Columbus beat up Indians. What are you going to do? So do everybody else. Just leave it. You fucked up. Now you want to sit. Now these white people, these careleaders,

they don't want Columbus because he killed... Listen, Columbus destroyed Cuba. Did he really? I didn't know that. What do you think he went first? Oh, yeah. What do you think those fucking savages went first? He destroyed...

The guy's name was Atwe. H-A-T-U-E-Y. One of the best malters. There's El Sol and Atwe. That's the best one. I'm on a three type of dude and shit. Oh, shit. So he fucking went and killed all those Indians first.

Then he came up here, or it's vice versa. I don't, you know, listen, I got to be in fucking history. What do I mean? But I'm telling you that he went to Cuba first or second. He destroyed a bunch of things. But listen, bro, we were, you were already fucked up. And in the first grade, you taught us he discovered America. And I'm not even Italian.

I'm sticking up with a guy because it's too late. You fucked up. You didn't do the background check. What are you going to come? up with in 10 years that Lincoln was really a pimp and that he had black hose he was zero what are they going to come up with if you turn this decision

that means that every six weeks they got uncover someone else some white dude's going to come on and go what about George Washington come on he was getting his dicks up he's got slaves get him out of here yeah it's fucking crazy so this is what this is going to start they don't understand these people are looking at every

wait till they start with Martin Luther King because you know there's 10 white dudes fucking doing a background check I'm Martin Luther King right now and say he didn't really march He had those jail souls and shit You know what I'm saying? He was jelling

He was jelling He was jelling He wasn't marching So you never fucking know That's why you can't overturn these type of shit Right Because now they got president What are they gonna do about the 4th of July

When they realize in the 4th of July They burned 25 black dudes Right And three Mexicans and fucking What are they're gonna do They're gonna turn that to the 5th of July This is not gonna fucking stop This is why I told me last week.

We might as well change Hanukkah. What? We told them. Did I not tell you last week? We got to change the Jew holiday. I don't think so. Yes, I did. Remember, we were laughing here.

We were at that fucking hot. I told you that, whatever. What's the other one? Yam Kapoor. Pass over. Yom Kippur is this week or next week? What's next week? Probably Yom Kippur.

Next week there's one of them. Okay? That's when it should start straight through fucking New Year's. Because I thought you're overpower. You guys, you show up here. You show up there. Right, right, right. You show up here.

Look at the, look at the fucking, the Catholics. The Catholics start on the 25th, then they go to the 26 or whatever the 24th. Yeah, we go off the real calendar. But then we go fucking, you guys just made up a calendar. Then we go March to April to fucking six weeks. We dominate some. You guys take two weeks here, two weeks here. Cut it out.

Yeah. Just start fucking September 12th and go straight to the 26th. Straight until New Year's. And compete with the fucking Catholics. That's what I would do. I bet I bet you. We're just going to be like... I'll bring it up at the next Jewish council.

Dude, in 10 years, money is just all going to be special Olympians. They're going to get rid of all the presidents. It's just going to be special Olympic kids. That's going to be on every $20 bill. On every $100 bill. It's just going to be some kid who won the three-legged race at the Special Olympics. Like, we got no dirt on this guy. We have no dirt on this guy.

We cannot dig up anything on this dude. That was a kid, there was a kid in Northburg and I grew up with him. and he had a name. He was one of those kids that he got stuck on his mother's pussy. So they had to use one of those forks

to take his head out. The tongs! The tongs! The jaws of life! He got the jaws of life on it. What was his name? Vinnie Warhead. They used to call him his name.

So they called him Vinny Warhead on the street. He was a little bit of a tart, but he was okay. He had a little drool to him and shit. So he wanted to be a fireman. That was his dream.

I won't be a fireman. I want to be a fireman. I want to be a fireman. So they wouldn't make him a fireman. Fireman, so they made of a volunteer fireman. But they gave him like a shield just to like appease him. They had to have him.

No, the hat wouldn't fit. I was going to say what the helmet fit. That was the problem. They had to give him like a Halloween hat. Like a witch's hat. So it could. If he got hit the head with a brick, it would hurt him. So he sued the town of North Bergen because they wouldn't make him.

He got his fucking diploma. But he sued the town of North Bergen because they wouldn't make him a fireman. Because they couldn't find a helmet to fit his head. So Vinie Warhead said, They gave him a little money to go away. They paid him off. They gave him the Michael Jackson money. They gave him like 25K.

To get a bicycle on the dog. That's it, the service dog. I swear to my mother's grave. That's all it takes to give up your dream. So he was a volunteer fireman. They thought he would forget all about it. Right, right. He was showing up at the fires.

So about a month into. He wasn't even going on the trucks. He was to show up. He would just show up with a truck with lights on and shit. And then after, a year, after a year, he started lighting his own fires. Just to put him out, just to have

something to do with him. No, and he would call the fire department and before they get there, he'd come out running through the trees and he'd go, I should be a fireman with his little witch hat on. He'd be yelling with his little witch hat on. I'm a better fireman than you guys. I got here before you, and I

don't even have a house in a ladder with a speaker. Doug, I think he killed him So they fucking arrested him and shit and poor little Vinnie Warhead iced himself. I think. I don't know how his story. But put him on. Were you too old for Vinnie Warhead?

Okay. But put him on the 20. See, put him on the 20. Oh, we put him on a five. Vinnie Warhead goes on the penny, I think. And ladies and gentlemen, here's a two story about Vinny Warhead out of M.B., New Jersey. Here go to Yum Yum Donuts. Here's three Warheads.

Here's three warheads. This should get you half. They should get you a baker's dozen. There's three words. Oh, my God. It's a fucking true story. It's amazing. When I was in Stress Factory one time,

it was a Thursday night, like the opening night. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I got high, and I was just chucking stuff out, man. Yeah. And I was saying some... Thursdays can sometimes be the best nights of the week. You ever notice that? Listen to me, bro.

I was saying something. And about 60 of my friends were there. And they were on this side. And I swear to God, I go, you know, I don't give a fuck what neighbor you're from, you know? Yeah. Every neighbor has one retard.

And right there, that name came up. And I go, to the North Bergen guys are going, in North Bergen, we have Vinny Warhead. And just the name Warhead made them all fall out. I had forgotten all about it. Listen, I haven't thought about Vinny Warheads since I left high school. Right.

And there's somebody telling the story. Right. How they sued the town, they couldn't find a helmet. And then he started lighting his own fires and telling the fire department they were slipping and shit. It's like those triple runs. You see all that shit, too, dude. Did you ever do, like, did you avoid the triple runs?

Did you know? Triple runs is how you learn how to do comedy. In my world, Tribble is comedy 101 because you learn everything all in one day. You learn how to drive without insurance. Yes. You learn how to do comedy in front of Mormons. You learn how to stretch on $50 for nine nights. Yeah, four nights of, you have $10.

How to live outside? You learn how to prepare your car for long rise. Isn't that amazing? Like, I never, it was how I became an expert on my car just doing triple runs. I was like, oh, okay. No, you don't even need to be a mechanic. Nope. You learn all these, like, I had a fucked up radiator.

So I could either drop the 300 for the radiator or put that bottle of pellets in it every time it started smoking. I had a box of pellets in my trunk. You understand me? I've seen Stanhope's travel car. And he had a stick across the back seat. and he hung his clothes on there. When I went back to Boulder, I did the same thing a week later.

Fuck, yeah. So I had a four-seat car with the fucking curtains in the back of the clothing. And you got the whole week. I put a pillow back there. I had fucking a blanket back there. I had a, on one side, I had like something out. Like, every part of the car was utilized. It served the purpose.

It served the purpose. It was the first time my life that I learned every part of a car is utilized. That side door pocket, this door pocket, the thing that you pull in the middle of the back seat and stick the hand into the back, just in case I would sleep in the trunk and I could get back into my car because you got to think of shit like that

when you're on a fucking bus. Why would you sleep in the trunk? I don't know. Maybe there's a rapist at the fucking bus station. He's got a big dick and, you know, I don't know. You just think about these things. I remember a road comic one time told me

when I was doing one of the treble runs, he said, because one that had to stop to just sleep out in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, he'll sleep nowhere. And he goes, go to Toys R Us, get a toy gun that looks, and just put it in a hoodie and just put it in a thing so people think you're packing so they don't fuck with you. Like I learned, you learn all those crazy tricks just to how not to get robbed. You know what I mean?

Like when you sleep out in the middle of the way. That might not to get robbed. How not to have people come up to you and ask you to suck their day bus station. Right, right. Oh, God, it's creepy. All those truck stations, like all those trucks. There's those truck stops where you pull out and it's just trucks go, trucks go this way. and cars

there's more pimps than Vegas Well one day I took a truck route Yeah I was high I've done that too I've been driving in 11 hours You know Kelly it gets fucking long And I went that way And there was a spot my parking man

Within three minutes I had one young guy I walked past the car twice And then he disappeared And then like this dirty white chick Yes yes Then she disappeared Then like a

A black guy came by. Those are all prostitents. All prostitutes. They were just looking to see what you like? And they have showers in there. Like, no, those are the ones where there's just a bathroom, a soda machine. Yeah. Well, because, because, Lee, on the truck lanes, most of those 18 wheelers, it's like a moving studio apartment.

Yeah, they have to sleep there. So they just do all their business in the truck. They don't even have to go into the showers. They can, you know, the prostitutes, they just hop into the truck with them. You know, they just do their business in the truck, and then that's it. Like, I've, I've talked to so many truck drivers doing the road. And listen to them, too. They'll give you tips.

You know what I mean? Like, they know all the, like, just the creepy shit. It's fascinating, man. It's like a whole other underworld. I don't think I'd never spoken in all those triple runs. And what was the guy that Texas? C.W. Kendall. CW. Kendall.

Dude, yeah. Dana and Doug McGraw. Dana and Nebraska. Out of all those people, I don't think I ever, I went back to, for me to survive, I had to go back to how I acted in Jersey. like what the fuck are you looking at that right dude tally yeah you didn't fuck with people in those train no way I didn't fuck with people at bus stations very like you look straight ahead and I mind my own business I didn't know nothing remember taking greyhounds to gigs and like and like and you

would have to sit there and like dude because greyhound stations are like free for all's and it's a fucking joke you'll see a knife fight I mean you'll just see and you just have to pretend you didn't see anything you're just like keep your mouth shut mind your own business and let it happen and just walk onto the bus when it's time. Like, it is fucking insane those places, dude. My favorite, I never took a Greyhound bus in my fucking life. I moved to Los Angeles, and there was a club in El Paso called the Comic Strip. Yes.

And he would call you the Monday, the Monday afternoon before the Tuesday show at 8. Hey, can you make it? And hash you if you wanted a week there. Now, any motherfucker knows, and he would pay you 300 to feature to MC. Yeah. Which is not bad MC money back then. The ticket was 180. Yeah.

So you made $120 for fucking, from Tuesday through Saturday. Are you fucking crazy? Yeah. You had to take the bus. Yeah. So I used to take the bus. It left to you Monday night. It had 11 o'clock at night, and there was the Express.

And it got you into El Paso at one in the afternoon. I said, yeah, yeah. That's all it takes? Just 13 hours? That's it. But the Express, they don't do. Because, like, most Greyhounds will stop in every little town. Express is just go.

Yeah, it's brutal. because the midway point is like 6.30 in the morning. Yeah. So you got on the bus at 11, but the time it took off was 11.30. Midway point is 6. Let me tell you something. You think you could sleep? You can't sleep on the fucking bus because you're thinking that motherfucker is going to tip over.

You probably fall asleep like an hour before you stop. A hour before you stop. Then you go on. They're not smooth rides. Then you eat the worst food ever. God, those fucking bus station restaurants. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, now they have AC.

Did they have AC back then? They always have AC. But the problem is it's still garbage. Like, it's still brutal. No, that shit's brutal. That shit's brutal. And then you got the El Paso, and then on the way back, you did it with blow. Like, I would take a little bit of blowback with me.

And I'm going to have that first time, some guy gave me a gram of Coke, and I fucking held on to it to bring it back to LA to these suckers, what cocaine really was. And I fucking get on the, get on the bus. I sit in the back. The feature actors in the back, I think I featured the first time. Right. And the headline that was in the back. He was a black dude.

I think he's still around. And I sat by myself. He was clean and sober. He took the bus too. He took the bus also. He got me to gig and I'll pass the first time. Because Bart probably called him the day before also. Roger Paul.

Roger Paul, yeah. Bart called Roger Paul. Roger Paul. Wow. The guy called me. Memories. I took a less than what I was supposed to. Sure.

Just for my first weekend. That's when they were up the corner from Taco Cabana. Yep. And they had the condo where people would just knock on your door. Hi, I hear there's the comedy condo. Yeah. Party. And you're like, it was crazy.

It was crazy. People would just knock on your door. That would never happen now. No. It was amazing, man. And they would bring blow over and women would come over and go, yeah, we would just want to party. There's always chicks that kind of. You've been in movies.

They would just have, you could tell them whatever. You could tell them whatever story you want. I was in the Titanic. I was Eddie Monster. That was me. any monster. That was any monster. It was crazy.

But on that, I never forget that fucking bus ride back. I did two bumps of Coke, and I was on fire. But we weren't even out of El Paso 30 minutes, and I was already joined. And I had a 13 fucking hour bus ahead of me.

But this Coke was on fire. It was 1998, and it was still glass Coke. It was glass, like the way it was in the 80s. I was going to savor that shit. shit. And man, I couldn't do it. I started doing little bumps and finally they pull over, immigration and stop. I come on with the dogs

to see if you had Coke, and I took that whole package, I did it in one fucking wine. And by the time they got back to me, I had my t-shirt all. And I was just sitting there sweating up a storm. Like, with a look on my face, like I was guilty as fuck. Even the dog was looking at me

like, this motherfucker. I know you. I know he goes, I ain't going to fucking bark. But I know you did something. I was fucked up. I did that whole package in one line. I sweat for like four hours straight. Damn, all the way to Tempey, I sweat. Jesus Christ, those are horrible bus runs.

Yeah, triple runs were nightmares, man. I used to know that, and then from there I would do, I would take the bus to Dallas. To do which one? No, to connect to Dallas, and I'd take the express to New York. Oh, yeah. Because in those days, Dallas to New York was like... 110 maybe? Oh, on the bus, it was 49.99.

Wow, yeah. That's why, because I knew you get a gram of Coke for 35 hours. Yeah. So I'd say, what do I want to do? Do I want to fucking fly there and only get one gram? Or I could take the bus and do three grams. I'll take the bus and do three grams and shit. Dude.

Forget it. And I would take the bus to Port Authority. Yeah. Get off, call my friend Rego or lubes. They'd pick me up. We'd go right to the man's house. We'd pick up a package. Go over to George Washington Bridge.

I'd stay there for a couple days. I'd feature at Rascals. Or I'd feature Rascals down the shore. Yeah. And then from there, I would go to Myrtle Beach. Yeah. And then from Myrtle Beach, I would go to fucking Jacksonville. No, I only went to Jacksonville one time to the hotel with the Friday night.

All you can eat. Right. Dude. And your asshole bleeds till Monday. Where's the, what was the Roger Paul room in Pekipsy? Was that bananas? Bananas. Bananas and Pekipsy.

That was the one that was in the hotel. It was in a hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they always. They always put you up, but they put you up downstairs. Downstairs! Yes. Lee.

Yes. Let me tell you something. Was that what the room was for? Why was that room in the basement? I love cold weather. Me too. I love the cold. But you have no idea what it was in that basement hotel room.

Brutal. On a Saturday morning at 9 and you had to get up to pee. You're freezing. And the heat was on until fucking 90. Yeah. And you're still blowing smoke. That's how cold it was up there. Fuck yeah.

Let me tell you what there was, Lee. You walked downstairs and they had. The worst hotel diner you ever ate out of your life. And that was the one that had all you can eat seafood? No, no, no, no, no. That was Jacksonville. These people did your favor. You should have hung out there.

They gave you 25% off to eat there if you were a comedian. It was 25% closer to your debt. And then the only thing you had was 30 yards that was next to a gas station. That was it. That was your Poughkeepsie. That was it. If you didn't have a car Oh God

That was your weekend You were fucked if you didn't have a car And there was no fucking buffets in those days Like you walk up in the morning No And you went downstairs And you gave me 1195 And you got a little bit of rice Krispies

You got some old meal Three pieces of bacon You got the sausage I remember when that breakfast used to be good The last couple places that I've gone And they've been like chain hotel Some of them That have had like

The free breakfast in the morning Like you can't even The eggs are like I had one One place I was taking hard-boiled eggs and just chopping them up. I'm like scrambled eggs. Oh, brutal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Some of those hotels are going to explain something to you guys. Something real quick. And these are for people who don't know, for people who travel a lot. The hometown breakfast is not meant for you. Right. To go downstairs and eat like a fucking king. If you go to a hotel, and again, this is no offense to nobody.

No nationalities. I'm just telling you how it is, okay? If you go to a hotel and you smell basil and what's the other shit? Curry? Curry. I'm not assuming any nationalities here involved. Those are fucking powdered eggs like a motherfucker. I don't want you to go downstairs and feed your fucking kids those eggs like there's nourishment, okay?

That breakfast at the hotel is to hold you over to you. You could go to a civilized organization. And get a real meal. And get a real meal. That's a civilized organization? That's the problem you got right there. So if you people travel and go, well, the breakfast came me, my hemorrhoid came back. Because you went down to the steak, because you thought it was beefsteak Charlie.

It ain't beefsteak charlie. It is just meant to get you to the next meal up the corner. Yep. So if you go to Jersey, you're not going to Jersey, to eat the scrambled dangs at the hotel on White. I never did it. You're going downstairs at 7 when you wake up right after eat your wife's fucking asshole for breakfast. You tell him, when I go downstairs, you make the coffee in your room, but you go downstairs and get a little cup of oatmeal and maybe some rice Krispies, and you bring them up to your room. You don't, you don't.

Never sit there and eat. No, no, that's scary. You don't eat the bagel unless it's New Jersey or New York or Boston. Stay away from the bagel. Oh, yeah. Those bagels are for new bagels. Those bagels are Staminia bagels. Those bagels are as a.

they say in the movies Fugazis. Don't have to make them. All right. Stick to the fucking Cheerios. Oh, shit. The fucking, uh, the special K. That's safe. You know, I'll tell you what. Those powdered eggs, I won't touch.

But if I see a hard-bolled egg, listen, if it buys me an hour and I don't get carsick, I take two pieces of white bread, I put in the toaster, I killed that motherfucking bread with that package butter. And I take that fucking hard-ball egg and I cut it into slices like a little fucking savage.

You eat that with a bowl of Cheerios. Nothing bad could happen to you. Remember one thing. You can eat a cow's asshole. I eat a bowl of Cheerios and you're balanced out for the day. If you're looking for a ying to your yang, Cheerios. Cheerios always balances you out.

What's the number one seller of Cheerios? Honeynut? No. Honeynut is what you... Honeynut is... I can't even tell you my niece is here what a honeynet is. You don't like honeynut? I love honeynut.

Yeah, honey and seriously don't. No, you eat the fucking regular ones. Yeah, regular Cheerios, man. You eat the regular Cheerios, and it lowers your cholesterol. I didn't know that. Well, I thought maybe... And your blood pressure. Honey and I did the same thing.

That's what Oats does to you. Okay. It naturally lowers it and shit. It's like, you know, I don't want you to go eat 22 slices of bacon and a fucking half a cow. And these are bowl of Cheerios and come to me and say, Joey, I got a heart attack. No, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about if you eat a fucking decent breakfast every day, like oatmeal.

Yeah. And that, see, oatmeal supposedly sucks something. I'm out of your bloodstream. Cholesterol. Yeah. Out of your bloodstream. It's good for you, man. Fuck, yeah.

I can't stand oatmeal. Sure. Why would you? You like hummus? I'm surprisingly, the hummus for breakfast. I have. Now, do you ever eat Cheerios for breakfast?

Yeah, of course. Just Cheerios and milk. No sugar, no ice cream. No bullshit. Ice cream. When would I have ice cream for breakfast? Lee, nothing that you do surprises me more. From the Norgoes to the Korean sandwich.

Can anyone pull up? I wish I had the episode with the Orange is the New Black. Just to see. But I don't know. I mean, yeah, I don't really eat a lot of cereal for breakfast. It could be good. It has his moments, man. I love cereal.

There's nothing wrong with it. Oh, shit. I'm just. Oh. Uh-oh. There's your boy at 18. Oh, wow. Look at that.

Look at that. Eating cereal? Look at that. That's great, man. Show it to lose. Show it to leave. I see it. Yeah, that's crazy.

Look at that. I thought that was a hat. No, that's my head. That's what I had the Jew fro. From far away. I thought it was a hat. That's great, dude. I was that thing.

That's crazy. When did you get that? Just now. Someone just sent it to you? Yeah. No, I just fucking. The blue bird of happiness and the CIA just dropped off an embellably. I know.

You say I got to deal with it. You have pictures on your phone. I'm asking if you've got it like now where if you just, if someone just randomly texted you during the podcast. He's telling me now how texting works. I'm not telling you nothing. I'm just telling you at the bumper of happiness.

Just happen to be fly out. I can use the bluber to happiness right now. Just fluttered in. Oh, you need a lot of things. Cucksuckusk. I do. It's fluttered in. The Twitter bird.

Nobody brightens my day lately. Nobody. He keeps me... He doesn't understand. He thinks I pay him for the podcast. I don't pay him for entertainment. His company. I pay him for entertainment.

Just to get his... I'm thinking of starting a business. I got the idea from him. He calls me to aggravate me every day. I'm going to call people to brighten that day. I also provide that service to it. If you want somebody to call you and aggravate you, I got the perfume.

I got the first 10% though, right? Yeah. You get nothing. I thought it is cock sucker. I'm the inspiration. I got some. You might be the inspiration, but you're unemployed. Let me get a fucking paper towel.

I'm going to have to go to the hospital again today. You're all right? What happened, huh? Go to my dentist tomorrow. He has a laser. That laser don't fucking work. Yes, it does. My tongue didn't bleed.

Listen to what I'm going to go home and do. I got a fucking tube of crazy glue at my house. Oh, Jesus. Don't put crazy glue. You can do in your mouth, Joey. You don't do that. No. Fuck.

That's so toxic. Oh, bro. I'm from North Bergen, New Jersey. That doesn't matter. I swam in the Hudson. Okay. I ate a fucking eels heart one time that my friend Mike caught. RIPP Joey D.

Some crazy glue in your mouth ain't shit, huh? Right on your tongue, though. Ain't shit. I think I licked a black chick's tipwood time of the peep show in New York for a quarter. You know what I'm saying? They let you lick for a quarter? For a fucking 10-50 to let you finger him and have a kid. No way.

You have your kid for a kid. For a hundred bucks, they let you watch a movie before them. For a hundred bucks, you get to watch Narcos. It's not a documentary. I don't think I ever suck the fucking black chicks, Tito on a fucking peep show. You know me. When I was young and I would go to peep shows,

I was still petrified of pussy. Yeah, sure. You know, I told you. They let you get, like, had you to sneak in, break it? They didn't give a fuck? Listen, if you ran by the big guy at the door, he'd go, hey, you, come. back. If you came back, you're an asshole.

He wanted you to go in there. They want you to get tempted and go home and fuck your cousin. And fuck the neighbor. Because you're in for life. Yeah, you're in for life. You're in for life. That was their job. In the 70s, when you walked up 88, they know, 40s. He's up on the kids. Forty-second street. Oh, that was that. It's like the fucking cigarette companies.

Right. They want 14 euros to smoke. Right. They're over there passing out cigarettes at the library. The good old days. They're over there passing out of cigarettes at the library. What do you think they're doing for? To stop kids from smoking? No, because they want kids to fucking smoke cigarettes. The same thing.

Listen, I've told you guys, I told Lee a thousand times. I went to grammar school with two brothers, one that was straight up and the other one that was a little mo-moed up. And every Monday, they were in the pilot program. Okay. Which meant that you had to, they had come from Q by the young age. Okay. Instead of being a dreamer, they call them pilot programs.

I remember hearing a pilot program before, yeah. The pilot program was you had to stay back until you learn the language. Okay. Okay, so once you got the language, it could have been three years. So by the time you got to the seventh grade, if you were driving to school, you were eligible for the pilot program in North Bergen. Wow. If you were driving to school or you had kids, you were eligible. So you'd be in the seventh grade in McKinley.

And I remember like feeling insecure Because in the seventh grade There was like three or four kids Who sat in the back And they had hairy legs And beards and hair under their armpits How did you know that? Because they're right in front of me

In gym class In gym class You gotta change with other guys And I'd be there with my tidy witties With that bozo hair doing on my dick Where just the sides get filled in Then you have that two year paws Where the middle hair grows

You ever have that's happened to every guy Yeah. Every man, when we're about 13, Kelly, the sides of your hair fill up, and you're like, in nine months, I'm going to be slinging. You even time it quick, you say, well, if this, if the, if the, from the home plate to the outfield, what's that line called, that, that, that, that foul line. Yeah, the file line. Because that's what it's called.

From your dick, your dick is the home plate, okay? Right. The first thing that grows is the file line here. It grows all the way up. It gets bushy quick, but it leaves a gap in the middle. And there's no road gate, right? You got the bozo, the clown ball spot. You got the bozo to the clown blow.

Now, in those days, you had two options. Second basins in her field is fucked up. It's fucked up. It looks like fucking Harvey hit it. There is not a tree. There's nothing. There's nothing. It looks like Harvey here.

Your peeps. Oh, fuck. There's nothing. You're fucking sitting there every day. You're planting on fucking your baby. center, but the hair won't grow. You're thinking about rogue game. The only thing that works a little bit is you take

mascara, and you're filming it in. Just to give you the effect, like, you gotta put like a purple light on on and Led Zeppelin. Like, why are you putting a purple light on? Because I'm putting on Led Zeppel. A little ten years after. Yeah, a little ten years after. So, it was fucked up.

That's how you're hanging. How are we getting on this job? I don't know. That's lovely. Well, we talked about the pilot program, which you were saying, like, the pilot program back to. Lee, right away, how did you know he had? hair. That's how I fucking newly. Because if I was 10 and I had hair, this guy was like 17.

It was like the Dominican Little League team. Yeah, yeah. Remember they showed up with the fake ID. They drove Porsche's up. 28 grade. Little League World Series. They got beers and they're fucking 6'3 just knocking it out of the park. Remember they showed up with fake birth certificates?

Oh, shit. What a great scam. Like, why not? Hey, fuck it. Let's share. These kids are all 12. These are all a 12-year-old Dominicans who have full beards and they're 6-3

and they're just all muscle. Oh, man. Didn't I see him on the Padres last year? Yeah, exactly. Fucked in the guy. Yeah, he got called down. The kids in my school that were in the pilot program,

I still remember with Peter Jimenez, Louis Zaldivar. Because Louis Zaldivar was, he just turned 56 last week. Oh, wow. Because he was on Facebook. I wish him a happy birthday.

He came up with all of my friends. Nice. And the funny thing was that he was 16 when I was 14 or something like that, right? But they had taken him out like the set. So all these kids were either 16 or 17, and they were still in the seventh grade. And they were scattered all around the North Bergen school system. Wow. Were the other kids just scared shitless of them?

Was everybody just terrified of them? No. Were they nice? They were cool? Yeah, yeah. Okay. I remember, like, I remember like three of them that we actually hung out with that were great guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they had like insecurities. They were 16, hanging out with kids that were 13. Right. You know how bad they were always in the back on the graduation pictures? If you looked at McKinley's graduation pictures. The back row. For the previous five years, everybody in the back had beards. Because they were the tall ones.

Big Cuban women pregnant and shit. Fucking hilarious. Hilarious. Oh, shit. That's great. Nobody remembers the podcast. Then they did away with it. They just got her in your shit.

If you're that stupid drop out for a job on Tolley Avenue, we can't help you, you know what I'm saying? Go on a tubular. Load fucking trucks or something. Number two, very much congratulations for your Netflix. Oh, thank you so much, man. I tried to get you on before the release. That's okay.

And we had conflicting schedules and whatnot. Yeah, man. And I meant to get you on, and then this guy canceled. This guy working to push him back. So I said it's a good time to have Jerry. This is an honor. Plus, I miss you. It's weird because we live three blocks away from each other.

And there was a time when we lived three states apart and we talk more. Yeah, I know. I know. We talk more because I would always go to El Paso and I'd request him. It was a best, man. Or somewhere else. And then as soon as I go, he'd already have the Chinese restaurant ready. I knew where to go.

We were going to go here. He knew. This is a place. And then I remember being somewhere and you showed up and took me to eat. Like, yeah, yeah. I worked somewhere. You were just passing through it.

And you picked me up and took me to a fucking restaurant to eat and shit like that. Those are the best days, dude. It was, God, we had so much fun. We used to go to a Chinese restaurant, Opaso, on the other side. They're on Friday. It was all you could eat. Yes. And it was fucking god-awful.

It was terrible. The sweet and sour shrimp. Yeah. They had, and it looked like a fucking bleat a place when you walked outside. It looked like a palace. Yeah. It was a old strip. club. Yeah, yeah, it was one of those things, it was the size of a target. You know what I mean? It literally

was that big. It was just massive. And they had the big golden fucking lions and dragons outside and all that stuff and you go in. God, do those noodles. Remember how bad those noodles were, Joey? Oh, God. I also remember, too, I felt so bad. But I remember we went, we went shopping for clothes. And then I remember I went and bought like eight action figures at a comic book store. And I was fucking open him up in the fucking condo just sitting there with fucking Thor and the Hulk and all that that was the best. Joey Hulk smashed them. I feel like he was like, no.

I couldn't believe it. I went back in my room and locked the door. The best show was, I remember I was leaving. I was going to drive back to Dallas, right? And I was in the morning, I was going to get up and go. And you just said, where the fuck are you going? And I was like, what? And then just pointed the TV.

And it was the history of Pink Floyd was on VH1 Classic. Remember that? We were both like, oh, shit, I'm not going anywhere. We stayed and watched that. Said out of a fucking pizza. Yeah, dude, that was, oh, that was a bass man. That was so much fun. But, you know, thanks.

It's been, did you get to hear that? The CD I got you of all those old psychedelic metal band? Yes. That's good shit, isn't it? I put it in my car, and when I fucking traded it in. Oh, no. I left it. That was what I was listening to.

I'm going to get you again. I'm going to get to you again. They were great, though, weren't they? You know, sometimes it's, good just to get a surprise. Right. Sometimes it's good to put something in your car. Yeah.

Nothing to lose. And you know you're going to get stuck on the 405. Right. And you're really going to make calls. Right. But it's so much traffic, you really don't want to talk. You're in the HOV lane. You're driving by yourself.

Yep. You got to pay attention to see if that motorcycle cop is coming. You ain't got time to be talking. Switch over really quick. Yeah. No. No. I'm saying.

Yep. Because that 405 I got on the HOV. Fuck it. Why not? Alone. Or the bus with 11 midgett. I can go. in the H.O. Because what are the odds they're really

going to bust you? Oh, they'll catch you. You think? Yeah. Oh, man. I do it a lot. I've seen them bus people. There's a time where you've got to do it. You don't do it by the law. You do it. If you're going to do it, listen, it's going to be a $500 dollar ticket. No matter how you look at it. Right, right. So I do it when shit gets hurry, bam. I shoot over the whole time. My eyes in that rearview mirror. The feds are watching me. First time I'm like Ray Leota looking for the helicopter.

Yeah. First time I see a motorcycle. and he's kind of weird. I'll pop the fuck out. It's his word against mine. Right, right, right. I'm 100 yards away unless he's fucking Johnny eyeballs. There's no way. Well, he was a sniper of Vietnam, and he ate all his carrots.

He ain't gonna know. You know what I'm saying? So I always pay attention. Number two, I got the baby seat in the back. Oh, that helps. That already tricks people. That already tricks people. So I've already had them drive by me going, Jesus, Joseph, please, Lord, please, Lord.

Right. Number two, I don't take advantage of it. Right. Just every time we go to the airport. Fair enough. Hey. I pay my tax dollars to the five pay. Look at your plane ticket.

You know all these phone companies? You even look at all these phone company commercials that come on and go. What am I paying for this? What am I paying for that? Right. Look at your fucking plane ticket. You pay for fucking Charlie's roller skates at the blind center. You pay for fucking a thousand things.

And again, but jelly, it's only a dollar 18. Yeah. But from how many fucking subscribers? Right. How many plane tickets do they sell a day? Oh, God. Oh, God. Astronomical. Because like we said, there's never been an empty flight.

You know what I mean? I've never been on a flight that wasn't completely packed. Nine times out of ten. This flight's completely full. Can you please give us any of your large bags? We'll check it to your final destination. And it's like, how are they running out of space? If everybody can only put one up in the top, there should be room for everybody.

No, no, no, there's not. No, there's not. Because people have gotten in. And I don't blame people, but then again, I do blame people. Yeah. Okay. Again, we're talking about saving every time. If every time you fly to go home to see your grandmother who's dying of cancer,

you pay $50 for your luggage and you go home once a month, that's $600 a year you're paying for your luggage. If you spent half of that on your grandmother and bought her flowers, guys, this is how you have to think when you're making $60,000. below and you get put in a bad situation in your life okay man and there comes a time where you're going to get put in a bad situation in your life and those fucking plain people are thieves god they're thieves because okay let's pretend you have a death in the family listen it costs you more they charge you half of a full flight fare at fit and at the end of the day you're paying more than what it tells you on the computer yeah you're paying more than it tells you're the computer

the Wi-Fi. And then you've got to go home and act like a fucking fool. Yep. Tap the funeral director on the arm and get a copy of the fucking death certificate and send it to these fucking mooks. And that's what you want to do is send an ID of a dirt certificate

of somebody dead into a computer pool for a thousand people to fucking look at and then send to the Russians. And one day you got a call that your grandmother's alive and gickin. And she's living in fucking the Bronx. And you can't believe it. You're knocking a dog, and it's a Russian dude with a fucking Afro, because they stole your identity via American Airlines that time when your grandmother died.

They got a perfect fucking pigeon now, a dead one. They don't even have to go into the archives to see who died to match their age. In the old days, you got to go into a fucking town and see what kids died that year and match it to yours. It's a fucking, you got to become Harry Angel from Angel Heart. You got to walk around with a dog tag of the guy's name. to remember who the fuck you are. It's fucking crazy.

So what do people do? You blame him? Do I blame Johnny Charlie for trying to save 50 fucking bucks a month by bringing, you know, and Charlie Charlie has to live like a fucking yam too. Those poor basses, that means you got to pack on three ounces of toothpaste.

Right. And you can only bring one tampon because, God forbid, and you can only bring one pair of socks. So they go through your shit. That eliminates marijuana, maybe a vapor pen. It eliminates all that shit. But you get through, you get off the plane, and you go right to your fucking Uber.

Yeah. I can't be mad at you for doing that. Right, right, right. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Like, but it is interesting, like, how much money, you know, we talk about like, they charge you for the shittiest Wi-Fi on Earth. And it's like $8 for, and you're on the plane for an hour. Like, why am I going to spend $8 just so I can check two emails?

You know, why would it? But people do it? Because they get business people who get to write it off. And we get fucked. Yeah. I'm like, fuck it. I'll wait till I land. You know, I'll wait.

There's nothing I can do up in a plane anyway. You know what I mean? So I'll wait until I land and then I'll just check all the emails at once. You know, like what could I do up in a, you know? I was paying for the Wi-Fi for about a year. Yeah. I would go up and get go-go, whatever. Sure.

Yep. Go, go take my money. But you know what? For what I was doing, guys, it was the perfect deal. It was $9.95 for three hours. I'm on this plane for fucking five and a half. First off, I got an iPod that's kicking. Right.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got a iPod that's got Grandfunk Railroad. You're good. I'm good for hours. Yeah, I got the Allman brothers on there. I got the cars on there. I got Zeppelin on there.

I got everything that you would not at, that at times you look at your house and be selfish with your time. Yeah, dude. I really want into the pretenders, too, but I just don't have the time. Right, right, right, right. I'm on a plane, headed to New York. I got nothing but time.

I ate six of these stars. I got the vapor pen. I got a Zadix. I'm on fire, Jack. You understand me? I'm living like a doctor. They gave me a mojito. When you fly jet blue mint,

they give you a mint mojito. Yeah, baby. What? And then you tell a lady, bring me another one. You hope she's black. And you tell her that. You hope she's black, and you tell her, listen. You look at a straight in the eye,

you'll let me tell you. After this flight, I'm going to go home and I'm taking Beyonce's posted down. It's you, baby. It's nothing but you. I don't give a fuck if she looks like a meal. You tell her that. It's all over. The rest of the flight, everything's fucking on the arm. You know what I'm saying? You're living like Benny without the jet. Fuck yeah. I've had tremendous times on those flights, man. That's fun. That's what I do. I just load up music. I get high.

I don't say two words. No. I sat next to Charles Broccoli. That's the first time I said anything to anybody in years was about a year ago. Wow. He just happened to get on the end. He sat right next to me. Good dude?

I didn't say nothing for about it now. Right, right, right, right. And then he said something to me. Like, do you mind if I got, no, no, go ahead. Then he sat down. He goes, how you doing? Good man. I go, bro, I was a fan of the Sixers.

I went to school down there. I loved Julia Serving. He was my idol. We talked about Julius Serving. We talked about him being in Houston. Wow. And then that was it. He has it.

I kept it light with him. But I was on a row for a while. He has my favorite sports quote ever. Did you ever read the book about the dream team? No. So it was, you know, when they put together, you know, for the Olympics, right? And at the opening of the book, the author, he wrote, he wrote Sports Illustrated. And he was the only guy who got to follow him, right?

So he talks about, like, how competitive Jordan was, how he fucking like, dude, they were playing ping pong in the Olympic room. And Christian Leitner beat Jordan and ping pong. and Jordan like flipped the table and threw the padla. He was ready to kill him because he lost it fucking ping pong later. He didn't like losing. And they, but Barclay had the best quote. It was, it was, it just, it just, it was before the U.S. was going to play Angola in the Olympic Games. And Barclay said, I don't know nothing about Angola, but they're in some trouble.

I know we won by like 60 points. Sometimes you watch those games, you know, why are you playing these poor people? Right. people, you know what I'm saying? They think they're playing division one. They're running into a wall. They're dunking on them and shit. They're just lighting them up

for 40. It's like, come on. When I was a kid, right, I went to McKinley. And they broke up the town into seven teams. So uptown was Robert Fulton, Lincoln, and Anna Al Klein from Guttenberg.

But they had Horace Man A and Horace Man and B. So that made up for four teams uptown. Nice. So Horace Mann A was eighth grade. Sure. And Morris Man B was seventh grade.

Okay. And they always got beat up by everybody. And then downtown, it was McKinley, Lincoln, Franklin, and Kennedy. Okay. The greatest basketball players in our town always came from Kennedy school. Like the one guy led the county to his day, he leads the county. Shit. Went to Seaton Hall.

led the nation in scoring and seen a year out of seating hall. The kid could shoot. He was just six-foot-one Italian. And he took them two years to do the four-four. To do the 40, you know what I'm saying? But I remember being at the high school with Tommy Heinzen being there to watch him. Oh, shit. Because that's whose record he broke, Tommy Huntington.

So he was there one night. Damn. I saw a fucking Digger Phelps at Hashways. Shit. When they were recruiting him, they were recruiting him deep. They brought all the big guns to get this kid, huh? So this Kennedy school, this Kennedy school had a coach named Mr. Ruggart. Okay.

And, well, this is eighth grade coaching, okay? Now, guys, this is 1975. Okay. I'm in the seventh grade. I'm playing McKinley School. I'm not starting. I'm not doing anything. I just went to the practices to get beat up.

That's back when the Knicks were great, too, weren't they back then? I have no fucking idea. I was listening to, I don't even know. You didn't care about sports back then? No, I did, but I have no memory. Right, right. I'm sitting in this fucking classroom, and the coaches were just regular guys.

Like, it was like, it would be like guys from the projects. Right. That got a city job for North Bergen, and they paid him for eight weeks to coach these guys. And we had a guy that would just come and slam dunk the whole time. Just slam dunk, the seventh grade. He was terrible.

Then we had somebody else who quit, and then we had a guy who hated fuck, he was a Nazi. Oh, shit. This is a two story. This is a two story. Okay, so my eighth grade year, I worked my ass off.

Was he good at basketball? Yes, and what happened was the fucking guy who was crazy hired this guy as an assistant. The Nazi? The Nazi would always say spick and nigger. Oh, God. Kike and all this shit, right? Jesus.

But he wouldn't say it to us. Like, the guy who has, I'm told him to tame it down. Okay? Just a little bit. Not enough of you guys know this. I have a joke that one night I thought about this at like four in the morning and this came to my mind. I'm going to drop some heavy knowledge on you motherfuckers, okay?

Even though my niece is in the room, she's heard all the stories. And if she hasn't heard this one, she's had, now this is the niece that in 1984 when she was a baby, my uncle, her brother, her older uncle used to hide his coke under her crib. while she was sleeping. So I'd have to tiptoe into her room, pick her up, and take the Coke out from under the fridge. Go downstairs, take a chunk out and put it back like I'd take a thief.

You learned how to be a parent. She's been there for years. She's been my backbone for years. And she never ratted me out. You know what I'm saying? She's solid. You learned how to hold a baby to get that Coke. Oh, my God.

No, I would have to pick up. It had a rocker to sleep. It was like a, no, it was a crib, and it had like a mattress, but under the mattress was a piece of reinforced wood. Which meant there was particle wood glued together. It was heavy, but not really. The Coke was hidden in between that and the springs.

There's like that Spider-Man spring. And it was in a big fucking Manila thing. So I would have to pick up the thing while she was sleeping, take the Coke out. Go downstairs, take a chunk out, and put it back. Her uncle used to work at a bakery with this dude LaRosa. He was a party. While they were supposed to be up there baking all night, they'd be snorting and bacon. And nobody was eating.

And this went on for years. It was hilarious. It was great. It was called like them. And they made the best strawberry shortcake. Oh. So every Sunday, when you woke up, Steve, you would bring home a strawberry shortcake. He was solid.

He was devoted. You understand me? Fucking tremendous. That's great. What are we talking about? We were talking about. Okay. The Nazi.

The Nazi coach. Yeah. There. Okay. So we'll talk about Ruga later. And why these good basketball players, don't let me forget, why they came out of Kennedy school. Okay. But this Nazi takes over the fucking basketball system.

We're fucking tremendous this year. I got left back in the seventh grade. I got left back in the seventh grade. The only thing to bring me back was to get really good at basketball. I was in love with this girl. She used to let me fucking, what's that when you dry hump? Yeah, fuck it. Remember how amazing that was?

And she promised me she was going to give it to me, baby. Right. She reneged. She reneged and I couldn't do homework no more. And I couldn't take her no more. She broke my heart. So I got left back. But anyway, that's a complete different story.

I'm at this fucking seventh grade the second time. And this is how I unfell in love by playing basketball. And dog, I remember one day going up to my court and it had just snowed in North Bergen. And a bunch of guys were coming down to play, like good guys. And 38th Street court went up. It was one of those courts that it was in North Bergen. Yeah, yeah.

Like there was one basket. lower than this. So the other team didn't know this shit. They're running uphill trying to shoot. We're blocking their shit. And on the way down, our rim was two inches low. So you're dunking and shit. No, I couldn't dunk, but I could hold on to the rim

down there. Great. I had tremendous pumps and shit. Anyway, we put together this badass fucking basketball team. Give me another napkin there, my brother. I'm over here bleeding to death. He put together a tremendous basketball team, man. Ah, this is not good. I'm going to have to go.

Oh shit. It's in my teeth. All right so that summer you know I'm a blossoming young man right as you saw the pictures I'm a handsome little stud right stud over there I'm a handsome motherfucker dry hump and I meet this little fucking cute girl and you know you know I'm a gentleman I was scared then I was broken heart it still from the other girl who broke my heart that first heartache is a word yeah that first heartache is the word I didn't want my heart to be broken again I played it very safe. First cut is the deepest. I played it very safe. I played it very safe.

And I, you know, I took her out. You know, when I say take you out, we walked around the corner, told each other jokes. That was a date. That was a date. And I kissed a cheek. And this one on like two times. When you're in seventh grade, that's a great date.

I don't know what's going on. I'm playing basketball. I want to be the next fucking Michael Corrin out of Jersey City, New Jersey. He went on to play at North Carolina and started his freshman year. Oh, shit. In the NCAA finals and went off

in the semifinals against Glenn Gondrazek and UNLV. Oh, wow. 31 points. Damn. That shit. Nice. A little white boy out of Jersey City. Nice.

taught the brothers how to fucking play a game. That's badass. And then they wrote an article about him because he was raised by a single white chick who was a waitress. So Sport magazine wrote an article about how tough this Irish woman was to raise this fucking kid. And he got a scholarship. A fucking baller.

To Hudson Catholic with this guy named John Spanarkle. He's an analyst now. I spoke about this before. That's awesome. I date this girl two times. You know, she's cute. I'm cute. But she went to Holy Rosary Academy, number one.

And number two, she was like a year or two older. She was like a sophomore. Look at you, dude. Dude. Okay. We talked on the phone. You know, she had strict parents that watched her and shit. So now we're practicing on the street.

We get this coach's name was Peter Ware. We were impressed with Peter Ware because he was six foot one. He could fucking slam it. And in those days, if you could slam, you were all right with me. Right. You know what I'm saying? If you can slam. That's pretty bad ass.

You're all right with me. Okay. So fucking, he's slamming. He takes the coaching job. He quits after three games. His assistant was the Nazi. Was he in the uniform? Who's now on Facebook?

He's in the SS. And I ain't going to release his name. He's probably still a Nazi. He is a Nazi. He was at that Charlottesville rally with the torches. He was playing the drums up north. So the Nazi shows up one day. Now, my team was filled with an array of characters.

My starting team was, in those days, days was Chuck McBreen, me, Louis Hernandez, aka Louis the nigger. So he didn't like me or Louis. That's half the team he doesn't like now. Who was the other fucking two guys?

Jesus Christ. David Ruiz transferred to Kennedy, so they called him Benedict Arnold. The teacher. So we had two other guys in Jesus Christ. I can't remember who they are. Were you a good team? We went four and three.

That's not bad. He came on after the, But all these guys came on before the season started. Yeah, okay, yeah. Okay. The Nazi came on to prepare us with two weeks left to go. Now, guess what?

He has good precision. Guess what? How do you well? So the Nazi comes on to coaches, and everything's going okay. He really doesn't really know what's going on. By this point, we're playing our own fucking game. We were all street guys. We played every day together.

We had played for the last two years together So we knew each other this guy was just coming in he was coming in to make his drilling shit like this So guess what happens? I don't know for that Guess who that bread was that I was swapping spit with his daughter his sister Oh shit Meena and I start talking tighter and tighter she shows up at a practice one day with the mother and they clap Was she notzied up too? Was she no no no she was dating a spick? How could she be nazied up? I mean she was dating a spick I but I knew my name Nobody knew.

Oh, wow. I was dating in secrecy back then. You know what I'm saying? I was used to dating the captain girls. You got to keep that shit of secret. Sure, you got to keep that on there. If you want a finger-bang-a-girl from Holiday in Libra, you can't say shit. You can't say dick, you know what I'm saying?

Because her grandmother will call you. You know what I mean? Like that. I get the grandmother. So, we're about to fucking start the season. Okay. We're about to start the season. we're about a week away from starting the fucking season

and what the fuck do you think oh my god the other forward was god rest his soul Anthony Balzano and the other forward was Dominic Special God rest his fucking soul oh fuck yeah they both passed both passed but anyway that's a completely different story why bring sadness into the room right right right now I'm going to go kill a chicken

and do some Santharia then I just feel like that after the show we decide to hook up on her fucking in stairs one day. She lived right next to Lionetti Fuel. Way before your time. Patterson Plank, whatever that street is, that passes given that terrorist and liberty, whatever street turns into McKinley going straight up. If I pass Patterson Plano, I go straight up.

Anyway, and when we were kids, there was a bunch of oil tankers there. It was called Lionetti Fuel. They delivered fuel to you for your house fuel. That shit you're using the wind. They were the first house. next to the lion that he'd feel. I'd go knock on her door. You know what I'm saying?

We chitchat outside. We did this two, three nights, you know? It's November. It's going to get a nip in the air. You got to have a little sweater on. A little warm up a little bit. One night we started getting a little closer because now we gained trust. We didn't go out to like animals.

We just went out there to talk. And the mother would come out every ten minutes in check. You're right. And the father would come out. You're right. and we'd be out there giggling, and he'd go back in. But for three days, I played it like Johnny Cool. Yeah.

But then I had to go deep in the murky water. The one night, I'm out there, we start swapping, spit, you know what I'm saying? Things get hot. I squeeze a little titty, you know what I'm saying? Everything's getting, we're starting to breathe. And I asked her to unzip her pants, and she unzipped, and I put my hand down there and the finger back in. And the next thing you know, her father came up from both of us. shit and he told her to go inside

and I just unzipped my hand out of there held on to it because you know I was going to sniff that hole he had to kill me for me not to sniff that you have to cut it off I'm a fuck yeah you sniff it in front of him no I walked home quick like a motherfucker I had like 12 minutes to preserve the DNA it was cold out there

that would have been the real baller move just right in front of him right in front of the dad just snippet right in front of it. The next day I went to practice. The Nazi quit. We got the word from fucking Ramel. It's over. So why did that school

the other school have the best players? What do you mean? You told me to remind you your way. Was it Kennedy? Was that the school that had the best players? Kennedy had, I saw this with my... Kennedy at one time had... When I was in the sixth grade,

Kennedy had like this fucking these three kids that went on to win a state championship five or four years later Mattie Pekanich, Calendrillo and somebody else and then after that, like a year later they did the same fucking thing these guys and then when the Kennedy was just invincible.

Wow! Franklin had a kid my eighth grade year that was six foot six his name was Lear when he was a white dude from Tunley Avenue kid. He had a little brother. They used to call him Lee Lee Leeland. That was the original Lee Lee Leighlin.

Lee Erwin was a good white dude. You know those white dudes with heart. Fuck it. And he had a brother that looked like a fucking model, Jack. Wow. Even back then, the brother would walk into a room in the same grade. Ladies go crazy. Bitches were like, what the fuck?

So the Irwin brothers, as they were called, were known early on. Let me tell you how tough Kennedy was. They had David Ruiz. They had these two other Puerto Rican kids. They had Wadi O'Donnell and somebody else. The big, like the season opener. Yeah. Was the six-foot-six guy against Kennedy at Kennedy.

Oh, he smacked him. Everybody predicted Franklin's forwards were gigantic. Right. They were both six-foot-one. Dundero and Composto. His compasto's older brother was a coach at the high school And these guys were big and tough And it wasn't they were good

It was that they were big and overpowered everybody They went into Kennedy And guess what Kennedy did They just broke Leerwin's legs They got a Puerto Rican kid to come up to them And just go Like a little fucking John Jones to the ankle That's how ferocious were

They were And this was seventh grade? Eighth grade. That was all all orchestrated by Lee Rougar. They're not fucking around. They're not fucking around. We're going to even up the odds too. Listen to me, Lee Rougar didn't fuck around.

One time when I was in the sixth or seventh grade, I went to, because you had two games on the Thursday. Oh, my God. So it was all four schools played, two games on the Thursday. Okay. Ruggar's team played first. They were up like 88 to four. Right.

And he was still full court pressing him in the fourth quarter. Like, he's like, run. Run. defense and the kids like coach we're up by a thousand points he was like Pete Rose in the All-Star Day he wore a suit he wore a suit

all right he wore a fucking suit this dude and he greased his hair back back in 75 in the eighth grade he already thought he was the guy from the Miami he whatever that Pat Riley he thought he was with the suit and the slick back hair and the guy was

not good looking at all he had sideburns he had red hair he wore the vest the red shirt matching shoes. He'd be out there. He had Coco Espinoza. This guy, dusty. I mean, this guy had great fucking teams.

Right. He'd run up the score. He didn't get a hit. But I heard that one time they didn't win by 100. He got them in the playoffs. I guess like Horace Mann B, the seventh grade team. Did he, like, throw balls at their faces or something? He made them run backwards with the hands up for three weeks, like, because they didn't win by like that.

You still don't have blood on my teeth. Let me see. I'm closer. It's starting to get there? A little bit. I'm going to have to go to hospital and that. Let me see. Yeah, yeah, it's all over your teeth, bro.

Joe, especially in the inside. Yeah, it's all over. God damn, my wife's going to go. Fucking. Nuts. Last time this happened, it bled for 24 hours. I had to get it fixed in Utah. Oh, shit.

I promise you lasers. Fuck that. I'd be so scared to have a laser shoot in my mouth. It's crazy, glue. You know how they're kidding? Utah did it? he took like a fucking piece of metal

and he goes it's gonna burn you but it'll heal and I'll put it right into the thing there wow wow shit they might have like a 24 hour

dental place you could go to open that door for your uncle blue damn yeah that was fucked up guys so they just literally like well how do we cover the 6-6 kid I know we'll break his leg

they just broke his fucking we don't have to cover him now they didn't give a fuck I remember waiting all day in anticipation. And you went to Lincoln School, right? Lincoln School was the worst. They took those kids to the games and chains. They were all on probation.

They were like a fucking ball around their ankles. They would get to the side. The guy from Cool Hand Luke is watching them. The guy from Cool Hand Luke has got the rifle. For years. Lincoln would show up because the third floor Lincoln was known for being retarded kids. Or the basement. One of those.

The basement. was all the retards. Even if you were straight and you went to Lincoln, people looked at you weird. When did you go to school, Lincoln? I don't know. All right. It was a nice meeting.

I guess I don't need a ride home. I'm good. No, no. Oh, wow. Yeah, if you were from Lincoln, people looked at you weird. That's fucking great. Because after they told you, I go to Lincoln, it took about two days, and you finally go,

can I ask your personal question? Are you up on the third floor? And then they go, no, I'm not in the fucking. in baseball. I'm in the regular school program. But half the kids were on probation. They would take them. I remember one time we played them in the eighth grade. They had like Fernie Raygo. But I remember

Fernie did something during the week. And he had a, let me get a paper towel. He had a black eye. And I'll never forget feeling so intimidated. I had never played against somebody with a black eye before. I should give him the whole thing. Do you have a whole thing? I had never played against somebody with a black eye my whole life. That's scary when you're a kid, dude.

Right? When you see it, we're just like somebody just like all wounded, just walking around doing shit. Like, what the fuck? Even if it's a black eye, when you're a kid, that's like, ah, that shit. Okay. This guy's for real. What is this, really? Old ice, I guess.

Did you put it in a bag? Yeah, I put it in a bag, but I guess it got freezer burn. You're a genius. No, there you go. Well, let's see. You got to give it a shot. You got to try everything. I think it's better than going home, and my wife telling me to go to the fucking hospital.

I'll shoot me. She'll make you go. After the last time, I stayed up all night, bleeding. I got up in the middle of the night the ski mask, the sleep apnea with blood. Oh, shit. She was livid. I was putting makeup on it. I knew there was something.

You look like the guy at the end of Mad Max and it gets ripped off. Shit. I knew there was something you could put on it. But I didn't know what. All night long, I'm sitting there fucking bleeding. Look at this. This is Italian ice. Oh, shit.

I'm sitting there fucking bleeding. Cuban ice. I'm sitting there fucking bleeding. I know there's something. I put toe paint nail polish. I knew there was some chemical that's... See that shit. Stop putting chemicals in your body.

At this point, Lee, what difference is it? I think you might need to move out here and just be like his medical assistant. She's not in the medical field. Yeah, but the stuff was like easily like how like what happened. Do you just bite your tongue? Yeah, I was talking shit to you guys on a piece of gum in my mind. I stopped chewing a nicotine gum. That shit fucks me up.

So what were we talking about? We had a good conversation. It was going great, man. It's basketball. About basketballs. I love that her school had all the. degenerates. Oh, my God.

It's amazing. Oh, my God. And they played, here's the catch. If you went to Lincoln School, you also played for Our Lady of Libra if you were Catholic. Oh, wow. Okay, so if you were Catholic,

you could play for our Lady of League. If you were Jewish, you can't listen. You got to wait for the 13-year-old. This is a Jewish league. There's the, what is it called? Fuck. The Harlem Globetrotters. I still got it.

That's like that. JCC. That's funny. Yeah, that was, and here's the beauty of it. Here's a really, my niece and I both know we come from a fucked up town. We laugh.

And it's tough to tell the world this because at every level, it makes you laugh. The guy that was in charge of the league, his name was Mr. Capitara. The commissioner. The commissioner of league's name was Michigan, Mr. Capitoro.

He made the schedules, and he was also a referee. Everybody had two referees. North Bergen only had one referee. That one guy. And we played at McKinley didn't have a gym. Let's hope he doesn't meet you. We did not have a gym until 1978. Jesus.

Until the parents demanded, like, what happened to the money for the gym from 10 years? Somebody robbed the money for the gym. There was a little league field on 19, on 76th Street. that had signs up when I was in grammar school. Coming soon, Little League Field. It took 10 years. Everybody kept saying, where's the Little League Field money? Somebody stole it.

Everything was getting stolen. Did they keep the same sign for the whole 10 years? It was hysterical. Coming soon. And then they would flip it around from a different view. Coming soon. It was fucking hilarious. I swear, I wish I was lying to you.

When I first went to McKinley from the 6th, grade to the eighth grade, they included the seventh grade twice. That means I did four years at McKinley. Never had a player. The eighth grade was when they finally built the gym. Until then, you had to shovel snow in the winter.

Like when it snowed, who did they shoveled those steps up to McKinley? Next time you're in North Bergen and New Jersey, fucking put McKinley in there and look at the front of that and look up those steps. If you lived on the other side of those steps, or you had to get

Now, here's the beauty of it. In those days, they didn't have cops. What they did was they gave kids like that, one of the be cops in the future. They gave them a badge with like a white thing. And there was a captain, there was an assistant captain, and like a lieutenant.

All three of them were fucking homoes, right? They got to get fucked with by the other guy. Oh, my God. But in our school, in our school, not only it was their Vinnie Negley, not only was their Vinnie Warhead, that was Uptown, downtown. We had Vinnie Negler.

God rest of soul. but I got every right to say these things. I got every right because I grew up with Vinnie Negli at downtown. Vinny Negli was the crossing guard. What did you? What did you? I like Vinny Negli, but here's what he did to me. You could either walk up the stairs like the regular fucking moron

or down the block you could fucking jaywalk and cut the side of the building and eliminate the steps. He would blow the whistle at you and then write you up. So I used to go at him for years like, fuck you, Vinny, suck my dick, Vinny and shit. And then me and Vinny became Gumbas. How did he write him from you?

Vinny was just a geek that was just trying to overpower you. Right. And then we had to pay him all off. You get to know him. He's cool. Yeah, we got cool. And then when they in the 8th grade, Vinny was doing construction work on his backyard. And the lights were out.

Oh, my God. And he jumped off the patio deck. And there's a piece of rhubarb went to his neck. So he lived. He made it? He made it. They called him Swivelneck. It was fucking horrible.

And he too became a fireman. And then he died during the fire. Wow. arrest is so I'm not goofing. That's amazing that he survived that. I knew him from the seventh grade. That's crazy. He survived that. Holy shit.

Damn. We're dropping some knowledge to that. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. This is what I'm talking about. Shit. Fucking playing through pain. I'm bleeding to that fucking Jordan when he had the flu. Still putting up 50? Look at you. Look at it's right there. It looks like it's kind of scabbing a little bit

already. It looks like it's scabbing a little bit I think. Right? It looks like it's scabbing just a bit I can't really tough from here I'm sorry I don't give a fuck anymore I'm gonna have to go to hospital I'm gonna have to go and hide it from my way

I promise the laser takes for care I'm telling you I'm gonna go to 7 lemon Stop going to tell you go to the cellar Golly go Let's go to get medicine I'm gonna put a little You're gonna put a little cut tip We're gonna dry it with a cut tip real quick

Don't eat there with a gauze With a gauze With a gauze You're gonna put two fingers on it with a gauze A little back alley surgery Complot like that like like this a hoot

uh-huh you're paying attention this is what you're doing in a little bit you gotta take it off and you can put crazy glue right on the tip can we do in the car

under the lights yeah oh man let me see it looks like there's a little film of skin that's coming over it a little bit

so I think you might so we crazy glue it and then we I think the ice is just what you need man the ice seems to be doing the job I'm sitting in the fucking emergency care in Utah and all of a sudden it comes to Mango

you know who knows the answer to this? Answers to the questions to the brothers in the street schools and the prisons history used to be a mystery of serial history not history we're going to work it out someday till we all get paid the right way

in full no bull talking no walking driving and then styling Are you fucking kidding me? We might have to close up with that tonight. That's an old school for these motherfuckers. That'd be dope. Sounds good.

Man. I called John McCarthy. Yeah. From the UFC. And I go, Big John. While I'm waiting to go into emergency care. After going to this piece of shit hospital twice, and they'd billed me $368.

For bullshit. And gave me a blood pressure pill. And said to me your blood pressure. to go down. You gotta wait another hour. I waited at that hospital bleeding. This was nothing. This was nothing that night, guys, what I was going through. It was coming out of my mouth.

The tip of my tongue had been bitten up. Maybe it's like the week that maybe it's just scarring over or something. Like it seems like it's in the same area. Damn. I went in the afternoon. They sent me home. I fucking went home. I went to bed.

I could feel the blood collagulating. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the bottom of my fucking teeth. I went Back to the hospital in the middle night. These motherfuckers made me wait there for three hours. I come home, I tell my wife, forget about it. I go to bed again. I wake up to his blood everywhere.

I take a shower. What am I going to do? Cancel the weekend in Utah. Fuck that shit. I got on a plane. I fucking shut my mouth when I went through TSA. And held on to the blood like fucking blade. Like blade after he went into that white disco and shit.

You know this reminds me of my dad, my mom's boyfriend, right, who was like my dad. he saw the pistols the one time they came to America he saw him in Fort Worth, Texas, right? And he said, and I thought he was full of shit but I read a magazine later that said it really happened. Fucking Sid Vicious is on stage

and these, because he's rednecks don't want to see this shit, right? So they're throwing bottles at him. One of the bottles cracked Sid Vicious and on the side of his cheek, right? And so while he's playing, he's just holding out his mouth so all the blood from his cheek pours in his mouth and he just starts spitting it at everybody think crap.

And then my dad was like, it was even crazy where there was these three chicks in the front who were trying to catch his blood in their mouths. And I thought he was full of shit. And then I read a magazine about the sex pistol's only U.S. tour and their road manager was like the craziest night was in Fort Worth. Sid got cut and he's spitting his blood and these three chicks are trying to catch it in their mouth.

That's a nice story. That's fucking crazy. You tell that to you crazy. Yeah, yeah. My dad waited until my birth. birthday to tell me. That's a good story, Cucks a second.

First communion. He told me that after first communion. God damn it. I got to go home and pray my wife is sleeping. Yeah. Would you stop? We got a crazy glue.

We've got to do surgery. Sure. Okay. Yeah. Got a new gig. I'm going to call the boss and see if she can write up a contact to make sure I don't get liable

if you fucking fucking get whatever from that fucking crazy glue. Right there, right before I was when we going to fucking that doctor's office. I go, Big John, I'm in a bind. I bit my tongue and I can't stop bleeding. What do I do? He goes, get some crazy glue.

I go, you sure it works? You get some guy cut himself one time, and his tongue was hanging. He put crazy. Fuck, you fixed it. You fixed it. That's how you fix shit, man. Crazy glue works for everything.

That's old school Puerto Rican shit. They take the bullet out. They put the meat together. They put a little crazy glue on this. Can I at least Google this? Or is this going to just be, we're just going to go and see what happens. We're going to take a chance.

Columbus is. Sure. Okay. We'll just leave it. We won't use Native Day. Indigenous Day. Indigenous Day. Indigenous Day. Indigenous Day. Indigenous Day. I could just burn your tongue with a lighter if you want. I wouldn't do that. Right away. Right away, you want to reverse the charges. You know what I'm saying? Right away, you want to insult me.

What? Reverse the fucking charges. It would probably work. How's been the response been from the Netflix? Knock on Wood's been fine. It's been getting people from other countries and shit. It's crazy. Just having like international people being like, hey, I saw your specials. I was up in Chicago with the improv there a couple of weeks ago, and it was the first time where, like, it was kind of cool, like, people were there because they saw the special. It wasn't, you know, it wasn't, like, packed. But, you know what I mean? They did good numbers, and they were at a club, was happy.

And a lot of people were like, hey, we actually saw the special. We wanted to come see you live. It was nice, you know, so I hope it, you know, it's going to be on there for a minute. So please, if you get a chance, check it out. It's called The Gentleman, Jerry Rocha, and Gabriel produced it. You know, man, the best thing about the job I have now, or what my job has become is to sit back.

The same way you sit back and you've seen me grow over the years. Oh, man, yeah. I've sat back and watched you grow over the years. I saw you move out of here and move back with some broad. Then you moved out of here and you had domestic violence. She was beating you up. She chased you all the way to New York. She wouldn't let you watch her.

She wouldn't let you watch narcos without them. a good boy. I never take what happened the night I taped my special. This is fucking weird. Does she show up? No, no, you're the only person who would appreciate this,

because all my friends, they're very, oh, we don't believe in any of that. So, we taped it in upstate, right? In the Nyack,

the levity life there, Gabe ran it out, whatever. And I thought about De Stefano. I thought, man, I wonder if that'd be cool if I could some kind of a sign

for Mikey. You know what I mean? and it's nothing, right? So I didn't have time to do. I just getting ready for the special. We just had one, it was literally one shot. That was it.

The 10 o'clock show, that's when we're taping, and that's my opportunity. And so I was just kind of getting ready, getting ready, and we're walking over to go shoot and his brother Joe just walks right into the club, like two hours late,

and he looks just like Mike. Have you ever seen Joe's older brother? It was amazing. I thought, it was like, it was great. Like that was such a fucking kicking the ass to just get out there and do a good job. You know what I mean?

it was nice, but it was really weird. Just strange, man. It's strange how that shit kind of happens, you know, and those friends that you just are, they're more than friends, are just family, and there's always that connection. There's always going to be something.

It was interesting. Do you believe that we have a connection? Absolutely. To the other side. Absolutely. You believe that once we're dead, we're dead. No way. What people say is bullshit.

Have you ever thought about that? I hope it's not bullshit. I hope it's not bullshit. I mean, I'm not that religious, right? But I hope that it's not that, I hope that there's something. Why do you hope it's bullshit? I hope it's not, I hope there is something.

I hope you do, you know, I hope you still have a connection because, I mean, there's no, dude, Joe, like, okay, you and I, I feel closer to you than most of my family members, right? Like, it's just, so, yeah, I just, why would you want, why would you want to never see that person again? You know what I mean? Like, it would be nice if, when it's all over, you at least get to go say hi to them, you know, before they put you on a bus to come back and be a worm or some shit like that, you know? Like, I hope, you know what I mean? Like, it would be.

nice but yeah that's why I kind of have that you know I don't know yeah I think about it sometimes it'll be great if that were I mean I don't know obviously nobody knows right because it just keeps you know like no one's you can't know and it's just it's yeah but I mean that would be I would that would suck

if I don't I don't necessarily think there's like an actual like legit heaven or hell maybe right right but it'd be nice it'd be nice if like but maybe it's just like because your friends and family talk about you that's right your spirit. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think there's something to that. I think there is something to that, you know.

And my dad died when I was three, and for years, when we lived in New York City, I used to tell my mom, I used to see something in the kitchen at night. Right, right. And my mom would say, what is he wearing,

and I forget what fucking story I told, you know. And then, as I got older, I always thought he would pop up. When I was a kid, Telemundo, had a novella on there about a family that was rich and shit and the mother would talk bad about the father and the father was

dead so they made some type of robot that lived with them and he'd come to it. It was the fucking creepiest plot line. It was only out for maybe two seasons. Right. I would go somewhere and watch that night. My mom wouldn't watch that shit but somewhere I would go like to a friend's next door.

Yeah, sure. They watched that creepy programming. So for years, I always thought, maybe my dad will pop up and give me fucking advice and shit like that. But I think that they work in different ways. Absolutely. It's never how you want it to be. I've always believed that there's something out there that we have, not predecessors, we have ancestors that are out there.

I think when you go up there, they judge it and they decide whether you know that you come back and haunt us. whether you're not you come back and watch over us you know there's got to be something there's got to be yeah that's what I believe and I have no problem believe in it

you know cynical you can make fun of me all you want I don't give a shit there's got to be I'm with you there has to be some kind of something I listen I came from a belief there was a couple nights

I saw like people who would fucking get together and they'd drink a little fucking whatever like Agua diente Yeah. Well, you know, yeah. I mean, growing up in the radio, all my family, of course.

And they would fucking see spirits. Yeah. An hour later, they'd be speaking in tongues. Right. And they'd be like eight people in the room and they'd tell you about your future. And I was six or seven. I'd be giggling under my breath to hope. Right, right.

Like, what the fuck are these people doing? Right. And then 10 minutes later, something else would happen. You know, I always believed there's something. What? I can't put my finger. I'm with you. I don't know what it is.

I've always said, like we talk about Anthony and Dominic Spatia. You know, we won, we were four and three, we were fucking tired and fuck. Me and that kid Anthony did everything together. We were still playing ball. Like after the league was over, like we still played ball every day on 38th Street Park.

We were playing against kids that were older than us to get ready to try out for freshman year. Our hopes were we both started, freshman year which we had no chance right I was Cuban he was Italian I was slow he was slower that's funny and one night he went home

to dinner dog I go home and the next morning they tell me he got to a car accident he's in a coma and he's done before the eighth grade year is over and then we go to high school my mom dies and not even a year later this Domit Spichial kid snorts T.8C. Crystal no goes out to lake

pack on or one of those places out there jumps in the fucking water he paralyzes when he hits the water and he dies so three out two out of the five of those fucking dudes yeah me jucky and the last that i say was that mckinley louis nandez we're alive it's very interesting wow you think about that shit for the rest of your life that organized sports you play as a child I think it's so fucking important And today, again, for you to have organized fucking, like in North Bergen, is it expensive to

have your kid? It's free? No, it's like 30, 35. 30, 35. I always walk by all these fucking shit over here. Down the corner here is the YMCA plus across the street is no-ho recreation center. Oh, right, right. Right there.

Right where the library is. You think it's something else. They have a little daycare for lower-end families. They have a little library in there. They have a basketball league in there. They have a pool. They have an outdoor pool right.

You're talking about that park on Magnolia. Oh, yes. You're absolutely right. Yeah, they're on the way to Magnolia. Between right there and Magnolia, if you go on the hunger right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. There's a little civic youth center.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a pool. The pool is fucking freezing. Even like last week when it was one. You still jump into it and go, what the fuck? You see kids go in there and go get me the fuck out of it.

There's like little fish living on the bottom. It is crazy that place. But you know what? They do paperwork there. You let me tell you what it is, Kelly? Remember when fucking Gemma goes and says goodbye to the kid at the end before they shoot it

before she goes into the before, and she goes, into the garden. Before she leaves, she goes to a park and the guy's wife is dead. That killed himself from Nirvana. Oh, wow. And she walks back there and she goes,

whatever, Abel, Abel. She goes, come here and she gives Abel a ring. That's the park one. And I'll never forget shooting, walking by there and going, wouldn't it be funny if they were shooting Suns of Anarchy there until they? Right. That looks like Sonzianke.

I didn't say, shoot. I just kept going and on the way back they were shooting across the street by the church. And I went home and that was it. And fucking six months later, I'm watching Sons of Anarchy. And there they are at the fucking park. That's crazy. And I go, that's what they were doing. And they show the next scene.

And she's at the church calling Jimmy Smiths. And then they show another scene. And that's a complete different situation. Right, right. It's right there. I mean, all those scenes are right there. I think that's where Pee B. Herman wrote his bike. ground in the park? Was that big park over there?

I think it was. Let me tell you something. That park right there now, after the pool, there's tennis rackets. Now back there where they play, there's a little hidden agenda. In between that place, I have...

And the library? Between the tennis and the library. Yes. There's like 100 yards of death. Yeah. Nobody knows about it. You've got to be careful. Like, if you go back there where you're kid as a woman. Oh, no way. You better be careful.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. You better see what time. You go back there and you better make sure, because there's a little encamp in the homeless guys. Yep. I know exactly what we're talking about. You've got to be very careful that. And they see you by yourself with your kid and they come over and lurk and try

to play with your kid. You got to tell me, take the hike, Elsouccio. Touching my kid with your filthy, fucking grubby hands and shit. But there's a black dude that lives back there who's dynamite. Yeah. There's a black dude back to that I've been giving cash to. He's got a lot of class and stuff.

In fact, I put a bag together. That's nice, man. He's a big dude. He's heard that same clothes on for six months through fucking heat, snow. Oh, fuck, man. That's what he looks like. He's got the road warrior, the real outfit. Right.

I'm surprised some fucking white dude from Los Felice hasn't found that guy and said, I dropped 300 on you for that outfit. That's the perfect outfit. Like you broke it down perfectly. The holes are in the right spot. The dirt's in the right place. The exact zipper is broken that we need. There's blood on the perfect location.

We got this. This black dude is a sweetheart. But you could smell him, and I wish I was lying to you, you could smell them four feet. Oh, man, yeah. Oh, wow. I think I can actually know who you're talking about.

Because I go walk past that park every morning. Yeah. He's always trained. dressed up thick. He has a scarf. He's got hair with little leaves in it. Every time I see him, I try to throw him a fin, a 20. $3. Yeah. We're going to have to get some crazy glue people.

There's some 24-hour dentists around here. We ain't going to... You know what's done... 24 out of dent that's going to tell me leave. They're going to fix your fucking tone. No. They're going to want to give me stitches. Oh, yeah. Are you fucking crazy? Have you lost your gut thing?

So do the laser? What laser? There's a laser at the dentist, I promise you. There ain't no fucking. They cut a piece of my tongue off. That shit's got to be expensive as fucking. No, well, he has insurance, I'm sure. Okay, that's good.

Listen. They just hold a paper towel on it now. They just hold a towel. All they fucking do is they're going to tell me to hold on 10 minutes, let me bleed like a pig, and then come back and stitch me. Yeah. Let me tell you what stitching is going to do to me, okay? Let me just explain to you how this process works.

Fix your entire problem? No. Look at Lee. Cracking funny is like he fucking, you know. Let me explain to you what's going to happen. Number one, I'm going to sit there. I'm going to walk in and my blood price is going to be 220. So they're going to make you sit and wait.

They're going to torment my fucking life. Okay. They're going to torment my life while I'm there. How come your blood pressure is 240? What have you been doing all day? Well, for starters, I hate your fucking guts. My blood pressure was fine before I walked in. My blood pressure was tip top of goo.

I went to the doctor at 3 o'clock. It was 156 over 80 when I walked in. Right. And he goes, it's a bit high. I go give me 10 minutes. I kept talking to the lady in Spanish and she went back. It was one fucking 40. Right, right.

I'm fine. But when I got to go down there, And all I'm thinking about is you're going to sell me on stitches I know what it ready You're going to sell me on stitches Let me tell you with stitches and tails And Uncle Joey's life right now I'll tell you

So you don't get confused Please do I got to put my tongue On like a little piece of wood Okay Oh gosh You don't think I want to put my little tongue on It's on like a little monkey

I'm sure he'd get a listener A volunteer monkey If like fucking Somebody went down there put that monkey and I can rest it on their fucking little... That's okay.

I'll do stitches on. Then they have to shoot a needle into that place. Yeah, you don't have to look at it. It doesn't hurt that. No, no, you don't have to look at it.

My eyes are just looking straight up, okay? Just close your eyes. No, yeah, just like that. Just like that. Don't look at it. No, no. What am I looking at? What am I got?

Eyes. I hope I was Woody. What's the dude? I hate needles too, dude. I hate needles too. No, no, no, no. Close your eyes. Listen to me.

I go to acupunch. I work on my fear. Needles in your back is one thing. On your tongue, no fucking way. A needle in your kneecap, a needle in your foot. That's another thing. On your tongue. A needle in my tongue is like that black dude eating the chicken wing at fucking 7-Eleven.

You know what you need to go? They would set them back 2,000 years. Have you ever been on the 101 and got off on Van Nuys Boulevard? Yeah, and you get ICE waiting for you. No, and they have. And they find out you're a dreamer, and there you are. You did paperwork for no reason. No, they have...

That's what's going to happen. They have a sign for a dentist. who knocks you out and puts you to sleep when he does the dentistry work. So I think maybe you can just do that. Until he sees me, okay? That thing looks like a cherry vaspi. Let me teach you about life, Lisa.

About life? Let me teach you about life. Okay. The guy like you walks at that. Just like the zip line. Okay, they trick you. They trick you at the dentist. They trick you at the dentist.

Okay. You go in there, the guy takes one looking and goes, yeah, I can put you out. If you're built like fucking Joe Atlas, you have high blood pressure. You have sleep at me at least I had. I can't put you up. You gotta stay away from this shit.

Yeah, you got to, no, no, no. If I put you out, you could die. Yeah. You could die. Fuck. Okay, well, then you have to stay away. Well, then I guess you have to go for the nookane then. No, no.

So the guy always has a 50-50 chance for you. You know why? Because you came in the door. Even yo, you were fearful. You're going to walk in there. It's like that, remember a long time ago, you told me about the trip to Hawaii from the corners. Right, yeah. They were spinning around sign.

Free trips to Hawaii, pay for taxes, $99. And I asked you what that was. What was it? It's a timeshare scam. Time share scam. Okay. You think somebody's going to advertise, we'll put you out, Novakain. There'd be a thousand people in there every day.

You just don't get put out. You want to get put out. Are you fucking kidding me? You don't want a great feeling that is. What you want? That's called. You ever go on a paper? You know, I got to teach this kid something every day.

You ever go on a fucking newspaper? And you see, you're looking for that, for a Honda Accord. Right. And all of a sudden you see one that says, Honda Accord, Blue on Blue, Zero mileage, 6995 a month. By the time you get there, oh, my God, it's been sold out. That can never exist. But you know what we do have.

Yeah, but you know what we do have? I tell you, you know what you're like? I bet you'll like this. Is it $69.995? It's close. Yeah. And you get a little more. Come on, let me make you the deal.

Yep. And next thing you went down there and guess what you're paying, 101, 995. Yep. They fuck, you ran into a Jew with Vasily on his finger. Okay, Lee, you fucking learn something. You see how they get you. It's a price leader.

So when guys like you and I walk in there, they go, da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta come on guy you pass out we gotta get a professional a stylist of the ionist in here you know we just can't show up here with a Puerto Rican with a with a with a Filipino with a fake paperwork we got to show up with somebody white who knows what they're doing even though the last two anesthesiologists I have were Asian tremendous I'm still alive there you go fuck out how you doing Lee what's I'm doing all right I'm just I don't want you to put crazy glue on your tongue

Check it out. Google it. He's concerned. Crazy glue on tongue. What? It does work. There you go. Crazy glue. Non-toxic.

Lee, who the fuck do you think of it deal? You can't lie to you. Shouldn't you go to the dentist? Why would I want to spend $2,000? $2 on a bottle of crazy with it. What type of Jew? Let me ask you something. What type of Jew are you?

I'm going to save your life. Come over here and pay me $4.99 Or go to a fucking vet. Sit there three hours of your time and get screwed for $1,200. your bus, you fucking whatever. What would you do? What kind of Jew are you?

Pick A and B. Give me a $5 option. I don't want to put crazy glue on my tongue. Why not? Save you $1,100. I can give Vinnie Warhead to put crazy gear on my tongue. And it'll work. You just put a little patch and you make sure...

It just costs you one warhead. One warhead is all it's going to cost. Oh yeah. This person has the same problem you have. Let's see here. He's asking the internet if it's okay to put super glue on your tongue. He knows. It is.

I think you might be okay. What does it say, my brother? Lee was so upset. It shouldn't be okay. This is like reinforcing bad behavior. It's called American ingenuity, Lee. There you go. It's called Americans getting fucking sick of getting fucking screwed in the

You have good insurance you pay for. What good insurance? They always get you with something. Some co-pay, some bullshit. There's always a buy. Listen, Lee, I want you to learn something. You avoid ambulances, doctors. I'm not telling you if you're an ambulance.

Listen to me, don't matter. I always want you. Lesson number one, avoid hospitals at all costs. Every time you walk into a hospital, they take a picture of you. They do. And they go to the CIA and they go, look at this week,

fuck. Every two weeks he's in there. He went to a very vacation. He thought he got fucking... He told he got fucking Malouk. In Vegas. He came back a week later with Ringworm. He caught the tub on an A-B and B.

He came back a week later with a swollen eye. Caught the toe. Every time you go to the hospital, they write that shit down, dog. Knock it off with that shit. That's why I go to the clinic at the CBS. There's some shit you can take care of on your own.

That's like this. You know, why? Because it works. It's effective. You got to go in an emergency room. You know what that's like for a guy? I can't lie to anybody. I'm going to be as honest I can with you. Over the years, it's taking me,

it's taking me close to 10 years to work on this needle phobia I had. Shit. Her mother, one night, I was in, we did a bunch of fucking Coke. It was the night where, oh my God,

it was the night where they tell you, like, Jerry Roker, most likely to succeed. Oh, you should the honors night. It was, I had dropped out of school the October before. I got fired from the,

job I took. I'm just running with these savages. In the daytime I had like some part-time job. I milk that unemployment. In those days, you can milk unemployment for a year and a half of extension, an extension, an extension. Those days, all you have to do it every Friday

is hop on the bus. Go out of 48th Street, cross the street, walk, stand on line for about 45 minutes, maybe. Get to the front, they give you an envelope with cash in it. You signed off and then you handed them piece of paper with where you went

the last two weeks looking for a job. Oh, that's great. And then you took that little money, you walked out, you made it right up to hill to a place called Gino's, which was Burger King and Kentucky Fried Chicken put together. Nobody knows that shit. Nobody drops it on you like Uncle Joey. You know what I'm saying? And then from there, you got on the corner, you crossed the street again,

and you went to America's favorite headshot, East West, and you went to East West, and you wanted to stop banging that fucking bottle. You went to the back of East West, and there was a section of albums of anybody

who had played in the city the week before. Now, Lee, this wasn't Underworld Inc. and Pirates of the Caribbean. This was guys, Lee, that were going into every single event. Do you remember the book you gave me about music in New York City? Love goes to buildings

on fire. So good. It described what New York... York City did in one week in the mid-70s to like the mid-80s. Like on a Monday night, it was, like, one night I saw Prince on a Tuesday. Like, when you were a year old, 84, I saw Prince on a Tuesday. He announced it at 6 o'clock. He had the hottest album in America, hottest movie in America. And one night at 6 o'clock, we're at LeBranos' house, lifting weights,

thinking about going to the city and getting like a bag of reefer. Right. And they go, tonight at the rich, 15. Prince. Him, Sheila E. Fuck! And Nucleus. Morris Day. So guys like you, guys that were a little on the nerdy side, already were 10 years ahead, they had the, you know, you're still the tape recorder. They just bootlegged everything.

Was this big. Yeah. They wore a jacket. Jesus Christ. They wore a jacket. And they got every show that came to town. And they got every show that came to town. Pretty good sound quality too. The garden, the rits, you know, all the little clubs, CBGBs. So every Monday you went in there And every Monday

They had and it was like legit companies These guys were putting them all over the city You know Again, these guys are probably making $2 per album But hey Guys like you and I were going there and paid I'll buy that shit for $10. It was $4.

Remember a brand new album in those days Was $7. $7.00, yeah I paid $7.95 to sabotage You're going to come to me with a story And then for four bucks You get Sabbath at the garden the night before. That's amazing.

I still remember my Bonzo's birthday party. It was John Bonham's birthday at the garden. Wow. And he celebrated at the garden. I remember I listened to it maybe three times, lent it out. I never got it back. That's awesome, man. But you could hear them drinking

and the whole fucking deal. Yeah, that book was amazing. He talked about how, like, I think it starts in around 72, right? Where it's 73 and second, and he says, in that time, if you had the subways down right, on any given night, if you started like 6 o'clock by midnight, you saw the beginning of like five different genres of music, from hip-hop to Latin jazz, to Latin rock, to electronica,

to punk. Like, it was all happening every night in New York City. It was amazing. Just every night from Africa Bombada to the Fania All-Stars to the Ramones, like you just saw everything. Dude, that was amazing. And I got to tell you something, I was too young and naive. I knew, and I knew about the popular bands that were coming.

You know, everything was on the radio. So if you listen to WNAW, you got to lowdown on pretty much all that heaviest shit. Yeah. If you listen to WABC, they gave you out and John was coming to town. Sure. You know, that's when out and John would come to New York and do five nights at the guard. Every night pack. Sold out, cops on every fucking corner.

cops on horseback you know he's like I'm on Ali fighting Joe Frazier and that's the way it was the first time out and went out and John came and then the Who came to New York

on the Who are you to? Are you fucking kidding me? And in those days again you didn't fucking you guys are lucky you guys complain about shit you guys like and it's true

you guys are getting robbed you guys are gonna go online pay for a ticket pay a fee and then thank God he's not a middleman. Right. And those days, it was done very easy.

They announced it the night before on WNIW. Right. They said tomorrow morning at 6 a.m., tickets will be available for the Who, the Clash, and Frank, whatever, Joe Hanson. Here's the deal. New York Dolls. Each ticket is $25. We need to get four.

You need to buy a block of four tickets. Send the money order to P.O. box 6480 New York City, New York wait four weeks to hear your approval. Shit. You sent your money and you waited like fucking Johnny Bacala. And four weeks later

you got your fucking, you got your letter with your own check back. They didn't recut your check like animals that they are today. Right, right. They told you thank you for sending them. But let me tell you something. If you took it, sent it right away, because you didn't have a check, you had to wake your mother, ma.

Right. Do me a favor of mom. Ma, Ma, how long I knew you? No, Kelly, before you ask, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to borrow money. I need a check. What are you talking about? Listen, I got $50. I'm going to give you $50, Ma.

Look, I need for you to cut me a check for $100. No, no, no, no, I'm not doing that. Listen, I got an idea. Tomorrow morning, Lens Ebbone tickets go on sale. I got to put this in the fuck. I got no time to argue with you. You know what I'm saying? You got to write this fucking.

check for me. If not, I'm not going to get to see Led Zeppelin. But the smart guys like you, Jerry, had a brilliant move. You had three other nerdy fucking friends. So what you would do is, let's pretend, Pink Floyd came to New York. Pink Floyd

tickets, they went on sale, because I got them at either St. Peter's Pratt, but one of those fucking places, I forgot. I want to fucking unfucked up. Let's pretend they played five nights. Okay, you got you me, Kelly, and Lee. Yep.

Lee sent there in a hundred, you sent in a hundred. If we were lucky, we'd get four out of the five nights. That's amazing. But since we made a pact to go together, we're going to go together all four fucking nights. And that's how you beat the system, baby.

And you'd go see this band. Like, I did that with Judas Priest. Wow. In the summer of 80, I wasn't a really, really big priest fan. Right. But they came to New York and they did something. I had never heard of.

They started on a Monday, on a hot Monday in July at the Palladium. And they closed out the week on a Friday. Wow. I knew nothing about sets. I'm not going to lie. Right, right, right, right. And tell you, I knew shit. But I was working at a lumberyard that I was going to work at this place called Rendell Lumber.

And I never knew what I was going to do until I left that. Right, right, right. You can call me at 8 in the morning or Joey Judas Priest is at the garden tonight. Listen, don't bother me. What time do you want to leave? 7 o'clock, I'll call your downs. Because I would get paid on Thursday, but at that place, at that time I was getting paid every day.

Yeah. Like, I was just calling, the guy who got me the job said, listen, if you take the job, steal. Right. Because if not, they're going to know I was stealing. Yeah. If you stop stealing, they're going to know money that was missing. That's how I got this job.

On fourth, like, where the fuck was it? Two blocks before the new Massone Madrid on Tunley Avenue, Right. You've been there, Jerry? I don't already talk about it. No, my niece. Two blocks before Marseau, Madrid. The new place on Tunley Avenue, on 48th Street,

down the block from that liquor store from the post office there. If you go two blocks down, what are we talking about? Rendell Lumber. Rendell Lumber and Marine was there. Good lead. Rendell Lumber and Marine was a dynamic place. I went in there in the first time. I went in there and they go, how you doing?

My name's Cocoa, Pete. I sent me here for a job. They go go upstairs. Richie's waiting for you. I went upstairs. Here's how stupid of a fucking kid I was. I go upstairs. Richie answers the door.

He's a big dude. He sits me down. He shakes my hand. Good to see you. Do you know anything about wood? Blah, blah, blah, blah. He goes, I can train you. He goes, okay.

I'll let me call somebody. He calls this dude named Jack. He goes, Jack, come on up. Jack comes up. He introduces himself. Let me just tell you guys how dumb I was. They go, okay, man, we're going to give you a job. You came with pretty high references and shit.

They go, when do you want to start? I go, I'll start right fucking now. They go, do what's the favor? Go downstairs, get a broom, and I want you to sweep this whole area, sweep my office, and sweep the stairs. So I go downstairs, I get the fucking broom. I come upstairs, I'm sweeping, and guess what? There's a domino box in the table.

You know those domino boxes? Fuck, yeah. There's nothing else on the fucking table but a domino box. I'm 16. I'm salivating from the fucking mouth everywhere I go. I'm like fucking crazy glue.

Shit was just sticking to me. Even if I didn't want to steal it, it went home with me. Even if I didn't want to steal it, it still went home to go. Life found the way. Life found the way. And after 15 minutes, I had to look

what was in that domino box. Sure. And I woke up to that table and I slide that fucking box. and under there is a box filled with quarters and three stacks of stacks. And I take the top stack off and I rip a 20 out and I put it in, I close the box

and I go downstairs and I was going downstairs I go, it's too late, I took the trap. He goes, all right, go outside and help Jack about an hour later he calls me up. He goes, listen, you clip the 20 out of here. I almost didn't get the job. Wow. And I go, yes, I did.

He goes, why did you clip it? I go, I'm going to a party tonight. I need money. And he goes, you know what I like? Yeah, honesty, don't do it again. And I'll keep you around. Wow. I got my word.

That's great. And I didn't steal for a month, but then you just couldn't fucking resist. Oh, my God. It was like stealing. That's great. People would come in and go, how are you doing? I'd go, how are you doing? Like, they would walk.

First of all, he was always out in the mornings. Right, right, right. Which, if you're an owner of a lumberyard, that's your busy. this time, you know, he would stroll in around nine going, oh, the truck's going, you know, the delivery guys. Okay, so the first thing you did when you got there at seven, like when I worked in the summer, when you walk in there at seven in the morning, there's no breakfast.

There was no breakfast for Uncle Joey. I lived at the Benders then, and I would walk from the Benders, across the street to tell the Amman, that was a Greek fucking dude that sold butter rolls and shit. And if you ate the Virginia Am, your shit, blood. right away. The eggs look kind of fucked up. It was next to a transmission place. Everybody who ate there, walked around with lumps around their

neck and shit. The transmission dudes walked around with lumps around their neck. They were coming for the sawdust. Wow. To put into the transmissions. That's how kinky they were. Damn. So they'd always say if your transmission goes, come see me, we fix it. We got to. That's fun. So I would go

in there, eat. I mean, you went in there, Lee and Jerry in those days. I was 16. My mother was dead. These guys paid me eight bucks or now and I would go in there in the mornings and load these trucks and it was like a workout for me. Yeah, sure. I could smell the coke and the fucking poop-hop

vodka and the mill of beer coming out of my fucking poured. It was early in human and Jersey. I loved all that shit. Once the trucks left, those were the drivers and the assistants, it was me and this guy Jack. And there was two old guys

that worked inside that were as lazy as they could like if people would come in and go hi we're looking for this type of glue yeah they would fucking pick up the phone and buzzed me like Joey they're looking for this glue I would have to come in and walk

you guys are 10 feet away that's how lazy it was one guy was Miss Transolito did you ever go to school with Miss Trunzolito it was her father God bless her soul she was very nice she died it was her father Joe Transolito and the other guy was just this old guy gentle

that was an old man that would do this and he used to complain around time fucking spicks come over here take our fucking job and I would just sit there and giggle the whole time out of all right Jack was a great guy from Wehawk in New Jersey problem with Jack was

Jack was the first person in all of my life that I ever saw lose his mind when he did Coke I know certain people that their jaw goes this guy made them look he would go like this he'd be talking to you?

And he would stay out all night on Friday and not show up to work on Saturday, which in Richie's eyes was a no-no at that job. He didn't care of what you did all week. Do me your favor. Show up here on Saturdays or busiest days. Nine on the ten, I won't come, so I need you here. He would show up at Saturdays at 12 fucking coped up, and he'd be doing this shit, and they would say, what are you doing here?

He goes, I'm here to see Richie. I need an advance. And the guy who goes, Richie's out of town. Come on, somebody's got to deck me at 20. Come on, something. Oh, man. That was the first time I saw somebody fucking creeping. Wow.

He got really creepy. Fuck, man. And I would go in there, and I would sit there after the delivery trucks. Listen to me, Kelly. I was about 16. I was going out every night. And nose and days, all you needed was 20 bucks if you were a normal kid. 20 bucks and you were a pimp

You could buy a girl with six-pack and shit And hang out with them I was going in there about 9.30 These dudes were coming and go How you doing man? We went out front and they said you were here And I go yeah I go what do you need?

And they go We need five sheets A 4 by 8 half inch on paper But we need 55 sheets off paper You got a number for us And I would have to do math right there Like the sheets were 80 bucks Give me 40 a piece.

You want 50 of them, fucking 2,000. I mean, it was mind-boggling. And they would go, would you throw in five pieces of linoleum, give me an extra, you know, 50 bucks. There was days I would walk out of there with $2,000, $3,000. I was 16 years old. I was paying 25. I was even paying rent at the vendors.

And I was taking that money and blowing it at the age of fucking 16 in two or three days, dog. It was all gone. God. buying albums. Right. I would go into the city, to the village, like a big shop. Man.

I would go into the city and fucking go to those places. Those places, I forget what the fucking place I used to go. I would go there. I would go to places, things from England, and they had every album that would get released here. Right. Only the albums that got released in England, Howard got released.

The imports and shit. So, meant for leather in England is really killing machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you could go online and buy killing machine for like $2,000 today. If I would have bought 10 of those things 30 years ago, I would have been swimming in the dough right now. I would have it when I would kill in the Pacific.

Smoking blunts like Snoop Dog and shit. That's great. Where are you at these next couple weeks? End of September. I'm in Dallas headlining the hyenas club. Really? And the beginning of October headlining Fort Worth. You got a website now?

Yeah, Jerry Roachycom. Listen, man, I've known you for 15 years, right? A little bit. Yeah, probably a little bit longer, yeah, man. Very, very proudy. Thank you, buddy. And you kept coming up here, and then you would go back. Yeah.

Then you would come up and work at the fucking movie theater. Yeah. Bookstore. That's in the movie theater. It's in the old movie theater. The bookstore and the old movie theater, yep. And you're knocking on the door. Thanks, buddy.

We'll see. I appreciate it. It's really cool to see, bro. That means a lot. When you sit, you see the evolution of somebody. but you on the other side saw you know when I started working with you you were MC and I was featuring

yeah and we were in El Paso working for garbage headliners you would blow them out of the water I'll never forget that dude you would blow them out of the water I was training at the comedy store I was training at the fucking comedy store you would blow those dudes out of the water and then I would do 24 remember

I had 15 minutes of heat yeah from the comedy store right and then I would improvise towards the I don't bail myself out of there. I remember being in El Paso thousands of times and dying on stage. Oh, yeah. Improvising on Tuesday night on military. Yes, yes.

But, you know, that's where you learn to become a fucking comic. No question. No question. So it's still on Netflix. Yeah, it's going to be there, hopefully for a bit. I watch the beginning of it. Yeah. If you were Gabe, you'll bring up on a fucking thing.

Thank you, buddy. And I got fucking goosebumps. Oh, it means a lot, man. I knew that kid when he was fucking living. Obama Boulevard. Then you moved to Austin, right? No, no, it was always always in Dallas. Dallas.

And so I went to New York. And then you got mugged? Yeah, yeah. I still stayed for about another couple of months. And then I came back to Texas and I floated between Dallas and Laredo. Right? And then I came out here. Then I was with the first psycho.

Remember Jersey? And then I went back to Texas. Be careful because she might be listening. Yeah, I know. Went back to Texas. I was restraining all the voice last time I was around you. And then I went to Texas. for a few months and I came back and I've been here ever since.

Yeah. It's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's finally, finally feels good. You know, like, okay. May, like you said, maybe I am knocking at the door. It feels nice. You're knocking at the door. Thanks, buddy. That's just the way to fucking describe it.

Thanks, man. Thanks. Well, me, I'm going to be at the Ice House Saturday night, 7.30 show working out with Uncle Joey. It's that plane and that fucking simple. All right. Number two, let me talk to you people about something. today why you're listening to this

you know what today starts Jesus Christ it looks like Pope fiction this shit looks like silence of the lambs this fucking sheet it looks like

Jackson Pollock with blood this is really terrible but it's not bleeding as much now I think it's I think you might be avoiding the hospital

which is good my wife is gonna fucking go crazy I thought you went the crazy glue route it doesn't matter Even with the crazy glue. She's going to know something's up.

Someone tweeted that if you do the crazy glue, you could lose your taste buds. Listen, I lost my taste buds 18 fucking years ago. At that Chinese buffet in El Paso. It was a Korean girl one time. She was stripping at this place. A B-Y-O-B place. And I was living in the halfway house. Oh, wow.

And I mean, it's 1988. No, listen, what's today's day's? date. Was it the 6th, 2007? September 6th, 2017? 9-9 of 89. Wow. Was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life, which is how long ago?

Eighth. 28 years? 28 years ago on Saturday night, I got married to that chick that hung out with me while I was in prison. Oh, man. She was knocked up, and I married her. And my best man was her uncle. and the wedding starts at one they're supposed to land that eight

he's at a wedding the night before he's supposed to land at 8 o'clock in the morning he's delayed we're at this Catholic church with a bunch of white people sitting around waiting for something to happen and her uncle walks in

just fucked up to the gills I hugged him and ask him where's the package where he said give me five minutes and I'm fucked out but he just got off a plane it was fucking hysterical My wife and everybody in the room do what was going on.

The priest, Father Tom, was such a cool motherfucker. He came up because I know love your buddy, but you got to get a stand then. This is not good. Oh, man. We got married, we went to the reception. Nebraska was playing Colorado. It was the biggest fucking game of the year to open up the fucking college football season. my wife refused to fucking even let us walk to the back room

her uncle did not give a fuck he went upstairs rent to the room took a TV out from the room carried it downstairs to the wedding reception got a table, played a busboy another 50 bucks to go around the corner to the hardware store and buy an extension cord. That motherfucker plugged the TV in

and he watched Nebraska Colorado game. How much did he put on the game? He must have put thousands on the game. On top of that, he fucking, he fucking, he fucking. He fucking. They're coming for you, Droy. They heard what you said about their wings.

He fucking, uh, he had the extension. He was jacked up. Wow. And he fucking watched the game. The whole time. And their boot, everybody left the dance floor and went and watched the Colorado, Nebraska game. You understand? Yeah.

Me, I thought it was hilarious. I got a sense of human. My wife, not so happy. My wife even brought it up a divorce court. Wow. Even brought it up a divorce court. It was her side of the family.

Yeah, how was that on you? It was my side of the family. I thought he said it was her uncle. Yeah, it was her uncle. Her uncle, you're dumb. It's still not your fault. Step off my wire. God damn it.

That size 14 foot of yours. That was fucking crazy. That was fucking crazy. There was another time he came back to this. visit me in Colorado. We get off the plane. We get fucked up in the afternoon. I went to court and got three days

off of community corrections. I was out of community corrections. That means they couldn't piss me. I was out of the jurisdiction. The motherfucker tricked me. I told him I'd be out of town at five. He knocked on my door, too. Me and her uncle and another friend,

an alias. I can't remember me. We're in there, fucking gack to the gills. this probation officer kept knocking dog if I would open the door would have gone to prison I refused to open the door and the guy left he kept saying

we know you're in there the hell then when I saw him three days later he pissed me and I'm like what are you talking because I knew you were in there

you fuck shit crazy shit Jerry now I look at her I still remember when I went back I robbed the fucking jewelry store and I had to hide

in Sarasota Florida for like six weeks. And I fucking went back home and she was crawling around and shit. And I'm upstairs going to be down. We had a little basement apartment. It was the original voodoo lounge before the roll of stones. We had a weightlifting room in the base.

We had a bar, a bench that did an incline. We had dumbbells to do bent over rows. It was a Puerto Rican gym, but it fucking worked, Jack. We stole a chair and we took the seat off it. You see this seat? Yeah, sure. Take the seat off this, Lee, and take the bottom off this. If it has four legs, what does this make this chair?

I want you to use your four years of creativity at Emerson College. All right. Say it one more time. That's a lot of information. If this chair had four legs without the bottom. Right. And I took this fucking piece of chair out. Right.

I couldn't sit here. What would this make it? a dipping station okay so we would put our feet up and do fucking dips so we all walked around with big triccicels we had a Puerto Rican gym if you ever saw one

and then the other room we shoplifted albums from Pathmark oh wow and we took the albums and we hung the album covers on the wall around the whole thing from Pat Benatar to Judas priest Helbert for leather

to sad wings of destiny we put carpeting in there we put two beds down there and that was our bedroom We had cable TV, plus, that was our big jump, because cable TV in those days was $9.95, and you had everything with HBO. Or you can knock on the next door neighbor.

Mike Tabasco worked for HBO. Cable TV, and for 200, you got the nighttime plan, plus Playboy before it was even invented. Damn. You got videos direct of little boys playing handball in Thailand, getting chased by a chubby white dudes from New York City. That's where you're. got on HBO vet.

Wow. Up on the pole it was a trap. He would put the trap on and his shit and cover it so you had cable for years. Then one day the cabber went dead and you had to call Mikey T and he come over and climbed the pole and stuff. But you got every channel you got ping pong from

New Zealand and that shit that wasn't even on yet. Don't forget, bitches. This Saturday night, I'm at the ice house. The following Saturday, I'm in Oklahoma. home at the casino, and then the following week, two weeks later,

I'm at the Pittsburgh Improv, one of my favorite clubs in the fucking country. But anyway, I want to talk to you people about something. Like I said before, ever since I started a podcast with Lee, people always want to ask for advice on the weekends, especially gambling advice. They know

that I work for a sports betting service, and they know that I know little dumb fucking things about betting, you know what I'm saying? It's not like I bet all the time, but I will give you good advice on one thing, all right? I don't know who's going to win Thursday night. I don't know who's going to win Friday. I don't know who's going to win Saturday.

But I tell you what I do now. Why know who the hell win if you're going to get beat? Right or wrong? It's as important where you're betting as what you're betting on. So there's always, that's always what I tell people to go with. MyBooky.orgie. My bookie has been in business for years. Their rep is rock solid.

They do 100% cash bonuses. so off that bar you're making money for doing nothing. And they have the fastest payouts, seriously. Just two business days. You know who's going to win, right? Yeah, great. That's phenomenal. Lay down some cash and win big today.

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if we're working out with me. To activate the offer, all right? Visit my bookie AG today. Use promo code church. C-H-U-R-C-H today. You play, you win, you get paid, all right? You got locks, you got money to win. Go to my bookie.

dot AG promo code church promo code church I'm still I'm still bleeding from my lip tongue that's how tough I am I could have tapped out of the podcast I'm still here with my main man Jerry LaRoker my main man Lee Syatt

the original Christ killer and my beautiful niece fucking Kelly LeBrock you're like a freaking Lamata you couldn't get me down you couldn't get me down couldn't get me down as long as I could use the crazy glue who are the mission of 7-11 You understand me?

They're sending you like a big case now after that after this or something. Why is that? Because you're going to be like the poster boy. Yeah, poster boy for Christmas. Who gives a fuck? I know for years, people get stabbed in prison. What do you think they do?

They put crazy going to cut. You could be a great spokesperson for crazy glue. You just dope a little fucking that yellow tube antibiotic. You get stabbed in prison? For a couple weeks, you walk around on a slant? You know what I'm saying? People are like, you're okay? I'm okay.

just a little hypnotherapy. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you very much for listening. Thank you very much for supporting the church. Thanks for having me, buddy. Jerry La Rocha, like I said, I'm very, very proud of you. What's your website again? Jerry Rocha Comedy.com.

I love you, mother, too, brother. Thank you, man. Go to his website, check him out. He's my brother from a different mother. If he comes to your town, check him out, man. This guy's deep. He's been family for years, and he's going to entertain you. He makes me fucking laugh.

Thank you, Joe. told me one of the, he has one of the best bits I've ever heard. I know he's not doing it anymore, but it was always one of my all-time favorites. If you want to hear it, I'll, uh, no, go buy his old CDs. Go fuck yourself. Have a great weekend. The church, my main man, Lee Syatt, my beautiful niece, Kelly LeBrock, I love you, motherfucker.

Stay black. Have a great weekend.