The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #515 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: September 11, 2017

Kate Quigley, Comedian, actress, and host of  the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.    LendingTree - Find out how much you can save TODAY at LendingTree.com/CHURCH   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 09/10/17

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Terms and conditions apply. Get ready to rock, motherfuckers. Church of what's happened now, Monday at September 11th. There you go, motherfuckers. It's a beautiful day to be alive. 9-11, a terrible date in history, but fuck it. We moved on. That's what makes you a fucking American.

My heart goes out to the people in Florida. Irma, and now Jose's coming. 22 fucking Spanish fucking Ericane. But anyway, we're here with queer. Lee Syatt, the original Christ killer. And my beauty queen of the church, Miss fucking Jake Quigley. I love you. We were talking about something interesting with you in the beginning.

years ago, I'll never forget, years ago, a young Steve Renazizi came up to me. He was all sour-pussed up. And I go, what the fuck's your problem? He goes, man, the last fucking three pilot seasons, I've been to 12 producer sessions, four screen tests, and I haven't booked shit. I go, every time you do one of those,

you get closer to your goal. Yeah. You know, and look, a year later, he ended up on that FX show. It was a hit, the whole fucking deal. and you were talking about that you had a bunch of stuff going on a year ago and that now yeah you're headlining places people have shown up yeah i was just saying like it's it's interesting because i mean i'm from a small town and i get messages from people like all the time from back home

and they're like congratulations you're doing so great you know like somebody the other day sent me a clip they were watching me on the avian awards like it's just weird because people send me that and I'll literally be like in the 99-cent store, like trying to buy food. You know what I mean? Because stuff is, like, it's so up and down, this business. And that's what I was saying to you. Like, sometimes you feel on cloud nine. Like, I just did like four weeks on the road.

I had mine. People came, which is a lot because of you. Like, a lot of people came. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was great. And the podcast is doing well.

Like, stuff is doing well. But then at the same time, you feel like nothing is happening. Because my show got canceled. Last year I was on Showtime. I keep going to, like, producers on stuff. and not getting it. I have a great agent, but I'm not getting tons of auditions. So it's just, it's interesting because I think it's easy to make it look online,

like you're crushing. And then even other comics will come up and be like, oh, my God, congrats. It's going so well. But the truth is, it's like the teeniest baby first step. It's like nothing, really. Not nothing, but it's just, I've been depressed. And I'm always, like, very bubbly online. I'm always very, like, everything is awesome.

But I think it's important for people to see that like even though you get a little like you get one small thing It's you have to keep like grinding forever you know I don't know if you know this after you shoot a project in LA Yeah like let's say tomorrow your agent calls you and he goes we have an audition for you for fucking two broke girls Yeah and you go down there and book it the day after you finish your eligible for unemployment Yeah okay so the reason why that happens is because they know you might never get anything again It's an up and down fucking career. I know, I know. You know, I'm looking at you.

You're here at the 10-year mark. You were a lot, you're doing a lot better than I was at the 10-year mark because you're known. Okay, because of the internet. At the 10-year mark in L.A., it was 2007. 2007 and 6 were probably my worst years ever. I was going through what you're going through now because the longest yard came out. Yeah. So while I'm shooting the longest yard, they're telling me, Joey.

Once this comes out, it's all over the shouting. I mean, people are going to light your cigarettes and rip your clothes. Then the movie came out and nothing happened. But I'll never forget this story because a situation, I got an audition for a pilot from Fox. Fox called this manager I had at the time and said, we really want Joey for this project. It was like the same shit, two nice roommates and one crazy one. Yeah, yeah. Just the same dumb shit that any network comes up with time to time.

And I read the thing, and then we're going to go a little edgier. Like, Fox was trying to go edgier. This is 2007. Okay. And this guy was like a druggie and a drunk. Oh, wow. So in my mind, it was right before I... You're like, perfect for me.

Right before I quit doing blow. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck it. I'm going to stay up all night and get coked up and go in there looking like the guy for real. Hilarious. So I snorted coke until about four. I drank a couple gin and tonics, so I got this wreak like alcohol.

How method? I probably slept like four fucking hours, and I walked in there like at 10-15, and they asked me to leave. Shut up, because they knew right away you were fucked up. Oh, I was gacked up, my eyes. Oh, God. My jaw was going.

That's crazy. They're like, you're not right for this. Yeah, that's not the best way to do it. You're not right for this part at all. But it was a stupid thing I did, but the moral story is, that I just did a move with Adam Sandler. It came in second to a fucking kids movie.

So it really won. We only lost a weekend by a million dollars to some animated movie. So we were really the number one fucking movie. I figured the phone wouldn't stop ringing. I get it. Dog, it didn't ring. I get it. You want to hear the craziest L.A. story when I, the first year,

and I should always think about this, the first year that I lived here, I used to do paid audience work. I don't know if people even know, like a lot of shows, you know, you go like Chelsea lately when it first came out. You would sit in the audience. They'd give you like a hundred bucks if you were decent looking to sit down in the front so you're on camera. And I would do that for extra cash. So one day I'm doing Craig Ferguson. It was 75 bucks.

You're there two hours. I'm waiting in line to go in. There's a guy behind me and he looks so familiar. And I was like, hey, man, I feel like we've met. Do I know you? And he was like, oh, I get that a lot. And I was like, no, I'm pretty sure I know you. I'm like, how, I'm like, what do you do?

And he's like, well, I used to be on a TV show. Do you ever watch soap operas? And I was like, I don't, but my mom watches them. And he was like, well, I was on General Hospital for like three seasons. He was a series regular on General Hospital. And then he's like, but then I got killed off and things have been tough. I haven't been getting work. And he was doing paid audience work.

And I remember at the time thinking, shit. Like, because in my mind, I was like, once you get a TV show, you're good to go, you know? It's never over. No, never. No. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's weird.

You said something that I've been telling Lee for years, and I didn't want to believe it. I never wanted to believe it because I thought the world was a paradise. I thought they'd know all the answers. It's not? I thought that people worked 40 hours a week. And on the weekends, everybody got Bacardi rum, and you went on somebody's balcony, and you were cool and shit. But they don't tell you that Bacardi rum cost $25 a bottle, and there's 18 people there.

Right? And you've got to pay for 22 fucking bottles. Well, it's different. They don't fill in all this shit. No. So we're raised on this confusion. And then you move out here and you realize that, first of all, if you go to a beach for the day, let's say tomorrow morning you wake up, you turn on KTLA and it says it's going to be 98 degrees.

And you call your hot girlfriend and you go, well, let's go to Malibu. Let's go down to Hermosa Beach for the day. And you go down there and you get in your car. At 12 o'clock, you lay in the beach, you put your suntan lotion on, and you got a call from a manager agent that says you need to be at fucking Paramount at 1.30. That happens all the time. So this is part of your fucking life

that has driven me crazy for years and this is what I tell people. You can't do nothing. You're so right. You really can't. You can't do nothing. You can't. Even when I take like one day,

I feel guilty. You're going to go to Disneyland with your kid? You know how many times I've been ready to leave with Mercy and Terry and I'll get a voiceover audition or theatrical audition the day of and you go to yourself

this is what I get for leaving because I knew the rules you know that's how I got my sag card I never would have got my sad card I was at home and my agent called it was when Spike Fierston show

was on the air there was a show on Fox you remember you remember it yeah my agent called and said hey they're shooting this sketch you're perfect for it if you can be there in 20 minutes you got the job

and it was my first ever like union job and if I hadn't been home ready and not just home like not just home and available makeup on I mean you basically have to be ready to run out the door and hop on camera sober but sober you can't go fucking drink at two in the afterno's at a bar no because you never go no when you so I learned this by 2000 I was like oh this is a fucking nightmare like I used to go down to Hermosa beach for pizza by the pier there by the comedy magic club yeah up the corner they used to be the best pizza you ever had there were guys from jersey we would all meet at the store every afternoon, a bunch of comics, and drive down there for pizza. You know how many times

I was on down there? I sat down and I get a call to go down in a fucking Santa Monica audition for a commercial. Yeah. So you cut it out of your life. You're right. It's a different commitment. I've even been like, I've been trying to take Sundays and chill. Like I've been trying to take Sundays off. But then like even today, my friend got a last minute Sunday audition. Like they were having callbacks today for, I mean, it was, it's for commercial, but it's for a, it's for a commercial, but for a national commercial and he got a last minute like straight to the callback. I never hear of that happening on a Sunday, but it can happen anytime. A couple weeks ago.

I had to meet with Ben Stiller on a Sunday. Oh yeah, he said that. Two in the afternoon because that's what they're doing now. This is not, listen, 30 years ago in this country, you could survive by working five days a week and taking off and letting your mind cure and whatever fucking hand job you have in mind. That's not going to happen more, though. First of all, you know. You know me so well.

I take the weekends off and they gallivant on the week. And I see it. I see it with comedians. I've been doing that way. For years. I remember one time a comic came to me who was doing phenomenally here, phenomenally. And he was doing it by himself. He wrote a treatment and sold it to Fox by himself.

Wow. I mean, this kid was on a roll. He was at the store one night and a big name saw him and started taking him on the road. And I'll never forget what this kid did. And I'll never forget this. He got mad. Like on a Friday out of town, but it was like a two-week thing. The way you said that is.

And when he told me, you know, you want to get married, you get married the day after Christmas when they ain't going to call you for a job. You're right. You're right. You better get married the day before Thanksgiving. I haven't taken a vacation in five years. No, there's no fucking vacation. No vacation is when you go on the road. For comedy and you jet ski. And you go in the day early, you go on the day early, you do race.

Radio Thursday, and that Thursday afternoon before the one show, you're right. You go for your little tupt-to-to-toop, you go to that restaurant, everybody sends you, because the rest of the night, you got two shows a night. And you ain't got time to be fucking around the daytime. It's crazy. Because you have to be focused for those two fucking shows. You have to grind so hard. People are paying $22 to come see you.

You're so right. And you want to go hang out with your buddies and sometime, where you're only going to be prepared for two shows. You can't even take break, though, when you're on the road during the day, because you know what happens? I'll go out of town, like, I'll for a weekend, and I'll come back and I'll have no spots that week unless I was making calls and shit while I was on the road. It's just it's never ending. It never ends.

And I think that's what happened is I just, I hit this point recently where I'm like, fuck, I'm like grinding and grinding and grinding. But then suddenly you feel like you hit a plateau. And then it's like that's the moment when it's so hard. You're like, where do I push extra? What do I do extra? But I'm so exhausted. For you guys at home, I'm going to be as honest I can with you.

I am a fucking spick. By, by rule, we're hard workers. We work, we break our back. I'm one of those people. I'm going to tell you something right now, guys. Honestly, honestly, honestly. From October of 1993, I want you to look at your fucking calendars. From October of 93 to May of 2004, oh no, to July of 2004, hours out, seven nights a week doing comedy.

I'm going to tell you people that from the heart I started comedy in 91 I thought it was like a fucking one a week type thing then I did like twice a week when I went to New York here I am in the fucking heart of comedy and I'm doing three spots a week

where you could do 20 dude you're right can I tell you something crazy 11 years I did not watch a TV show I did not know what Santa Live was I did not know what anything That's how I am too because I'm so busy. If you're a real comic

you don't know what anything is on TV. But then people give me shit because I don't know what's, because then when you go out on auditions or you have meetings, like I'll go to networks and I'll have to research what's on the network on the way there. I did it for years. I didn't know Joe Rogan was on when people, when I first met Joe Rogan and they were like,

he's on news radio. I thought he did radio. I thought he did news radio. I thought that he was on AM radio. Yeah. And then my girlfriend at the time goes, no, he's on a show on NBC. And that's how you know a real comic.

That's when you know when somebody's working. I was just dating a guy who's like an actor, comedian. He was so offended because I didn't know any of his work. And I'm like, I don't watch TV. I literally never watch TV. I turn on Netflix at night. I fall asleep. That's the only time I even turn it on. And then I pass out watching it. So I don't retain anything. So those years where the years like from year to, it's like Marco at Jiu-Jitsu. I've been going over there for two or two years, maybe two years, no, a year and a half. And Marco's been there for a year. At first, when he joined over there, he was coming in three times a week.

He quit his job. Now he goes to J-Jitsu every day. Every day. Every day. Some days. And he's getting amazing. And he's getting amazing. He already passed me.

He's got a stripe on his belt. Why? Because that's what he decided he wanted to do. Yeah. And he did it. Comedy is one of those things that you dibble-dabble at first. But once you jump into it, you jump into it. Those nights when you stayed home with your girlfriend on Thursdays

and you held hands and watched cheers, that's gone. But it's not even just enough to do spots because I do spots probably five, six nights a week if I can get them. But the thing is, it's not even enough to do spots at night now with social media and shit. You have to be doing something always. You have to be doing like the Hollywood pool party or doing like the periscope every morning. I mean, it's just you can't ever take three, four hours and just chill because someone else is working harder.

And I'll see it. Like I see it on social media and I'm like, fuck, these people are doing all these things. Yeah, but here's the thing also. I don't want to live on social media. I want to touch them and leave them alone and let them hit me up and go, dog, what the fuck you bet? I don't want to be that guy. Good idea. Because if you're on there all day, now you're just like anybody else.

No, you're oversaturated and boring. Now you're everybody else. Yeah, that's true. Social media is great, but it's grown into something else now. You know, like I said, two weeks ago, somebody posted that we used to use social media as an escape from life. Now we're using life as an escape from social media. How funny is this. If you're not, you're taking pictures of your food.

You're taking pictures of your friends. You're taking pictures of fucking birds. Right? To show you're so right. That's no need for that. I don't want the people to know what they eat. I don't want people to know who the fucking meeting with. I don't want people to know I'm standing in front of a rock.

It don't matter who gives a fuck. Well, it's all fake anyway. You make your life look however you want it to look, but it's not, that's not real. I am. So you need to focus in areas. You know, I get hit up by people constantly. There was this guy last week that I had to be rude to. I had to be rude

than I didn't want to I'm going to tell you why I was root to since day one and this is just my opinion as a comedian I don't want anybody to take it the wrong way especially you

or any other comic this is what works for me the characters and the things in this part of the show are for me as bad as I was I'm cocaine

and as bad as I was after a show I could use a fucking bump of coke Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Kate Quigley's here. I need an eight ball because with a gram.

I can put that monkey to work. Thank you. You know what I'm saying? We got to come up with a quick 150. Thank you. I had no idea that was a compliment. Yeah, well, I'm flattered. Once Kate Quigley's shut, if I bumped into Kate 12,

let's space, if I bumped into Kate any time before 2005, I let her have two or three cocktails, then I take it by the sign. But you might have just keyed in on why I'm single. Kate, I want to blow a fucking Coke rock in your pussy. needed. What do you think? And Kate would look at me and go, give me 15 minutes. If the guy shows up, I'll leave with

him. If not, I'll let you blow a Coke rock in my asshole. What the fuck? And you sit there, you go get an A ball, and you come back and you have that little condo in La Jolla. And I put a, and we'll talk for a while. We'll talk about comedy. I'll take an ear beating from me, and then I'll fucking put a Coke rock in your ass. No.

I'm just saying. During all that stuff, I didn't sell a CD. I refused to sell a t-shirt. Yeah. I have a bad problem with prices of tickets. You know, I canceled Kansas City improv this year because they try to fuck around. I respect the people who come to my shows.

I don't like to sell merch here. You know, I don't like to sell merch. Yeah. I feel fucking weird. I had a yell at this guy because T-shirts are not my priority. T-shirts are something that's like a luxury for me. I hate, I wish I could buy them and just give them the fuck away because that's how much they irritate me, fucking sell them that shit.

But you have to do it today If not, you're not part of the crew I didn't sell merch for the money I sold it because if not People think there's something weird Where you like do you have any coffee cups It's weird though I don't like none of that shit

When I was on the road with Red Band We did it the first two weeks And then in Phoenix I was like I just feel It makes you feel it's weird to do the show And then stand there and chill stuff So I just stop doing it I don't either I want you to shake my hand

Let's take a picture and And And Anda I don't want to hear you're beating I don't want to take you you're beating I don't want to do none of that shit. I don't want to see what size you are. I don't want to sign your fucking shirt. It's awkward. Take the square reader and run a credit.

I want to do comedy, bro. I want to do fucking comedy. You're paying money to come see my comedy. Again, prices. People getting arguments with me constantly. Club owners, agents. I get calls all the time. Because you want to sell tickets for cheaper?

22 and 25. That's what I'm worth. That's what I'm worth. Anything after that I'm ripping. You're worth more than that. You know why? Because the fucking ticket people have a fucking ticket thing on there for $7.

I don't make a dime on that shit. That goes for those fucking thieves. So, you know, you get killed. I don't want people to go, Jesus Christ, Joey. You're right. It costs me $150 to come see you. Who the fuck do you think you are? You're right.

Who the fuck do you? A comedy show should be the alternative to a film. I agree with that. Like, if I take you on the date and we go to a movie and it's sold out and I turn around and there's a comedy club, let's go over there. 15 to get in. A drink is $4. No, they charge you $84.

I agree with that. And then the fucking, I got to feel bad for the people because I feel like they got eye-gouched. But then don't you feel like that's kind of underselling what you guys do? Because the way the movies make money is they have thousands of screens. You guys only make money for where you are at one point. So like even though like if you would say, well, then your ticket should only be 15 bucks. Like that's you guys like you guys not to make a living. I see what you're saying.

But I also like, okay, a movie's what? 15 bucks, 12 bucks. I don't know. Now like maybe a comment. ticket 2225. I think it should be double. I don't think it should be like $50. I think that's fair, 25.

The theaters, the tickets have to be more because you have to rent out the theater. And they know what you're up to. So they eye gouge you. That's why when you go to a theater, those fucking, when you get your bill from a theater, you're like, what? Are you fucking crazy?

And they're like, that's legit, though. This is a union theater. You go a minute over your time. Ooh. Well, the problem, too, though, is like, my favorite audience is like a working class audience. Me too. They're the most fun.

So if the tickets are too much, yeah, exactly. I can't get them. No. I don't appeal to people eat fucking caviar and steak tartar. I appeal to people eat fucking steakums and they fart, they scratch their assholes. I think that's why. And make their wife smell it. I love all that shit.

I don't want a bad mouth anywhere, but I think that's why, like, there's one club in particular I play often that charges a lot. It's like 50 bucks for a ticket. And the crowds always suck. It's always pretentious, wealthy, older. Not that old crowds are bad, but it's, Just all white people. And it's just like, it sucks because if the tickets were 25, 30 bucks, then, yeah, you get, like, younger people, like, hard workers.

Like, people that are excited to laugh, not people that are, like, normally seeing Broadway shows that are like, oh, let's see how, let's see how this will be. Like, they never even go to comedy. Like, it's not as fun. You're right. I just don't like to, it's so weird when you want to be a painter or something to do with art. And then one day, money gets involved. You know, money fucking. fuck shit up sometimes and you're like well what am I gonna do I did I have done this you know then I think

about all the years I made $8,000 a dollar were you happy I had to sleep on a couch I was happier though oh my god I used to be so happy I was so like I made when I was married I had a job where I made so much money I used to do these gigs where I would be like basically a spokesmodel for different brands like high-end brands like BMW Mercedes I would make like 800 bucks a week plus or I'm sorry 800 bucks a day plus per die. Like I would make so much. Yeah, it was fucking crazy. But I was miserable.

I hated it. I hated everything about it. I didn't give a fuck about the cars. I didn't want to wear the outfit. I didn't want to talk to the people. And then I quit that. And I got a studio in L.A. In the fucking worst building you've ever seen.

I literally had a naked crackhead sleeping outside my apartment door in the hallway, in the interior hallway for like a year. And I knew him by name. Like I would come out and he'd be like laying there naked with like a boner. in the morning, I'd be like, hey, Ted, and just walked down the hall. I slept on the floor. I had no furniture. At the time, I was married, but my ex was on the road doing like gigs, doing other shit. And I was the happiest I'd ever been. I was doing stand-up and I was auditioning and I just felt so alive, but I was making no money. But I just hated, like, that's the thing.

Like, I meet people that go, well, don't you want more? Don't you want to like get out of it? Like, now I live in a shitty one-bedroom apartment. People are like, don't you want to get out of here? And I'm like, I don't really care. I'm happy now. Like, even though I say, like, yeah, I get depressed when my career is kind of slumping or whatever. When you mean depressed? I get depressed, man. You know the type of motherfucker like me.

You get depressed for 48 minutes. No. And then you go, what the fuck is my problem? Lately, I've been depressed for days. But you know what part of it is? You know what it is? I'll tell you. It's relationship shit.

Because the thing is you can't have, I mean, you do it. You're married and you managed to do it. But for me, I find starting a relationship, maintaining a relationship and focusing on your building your career is impossible it's impossible you have 92 guys you're hunting no i really don't you're a 90 i don't hump them all i do date i do date around but i don't fuck them all here's the thing i once told a very funny woman a very funny woman give up came up to me one day and she goes i don't know what to do anymore i'm gonna bring guys this and i said listen you didn't move to l-a to fall in love

No. Okay. Okay. And I understand the sadness and the loneliest part of it. People think that when you're on the road, it's fucking jumping up and down. Some nights you're in a hotel for two nights by yourself. And law and order, you can't watch it anymore. And you don't want to go downstairs and smoke with you.

And I'm a girl, so I'm not taking audience members back to my room. Like, guys, you know, you might go out and bring back an audience member. I'm not doing that, you know. So it's a little different, but it's just I don't want to fall in love. I don't want to get married again, but I want something more than just I show up and fuck you. And it's almost impossible to have anything healthy and pursue my career. So lately I've been feeling like I have to choose,

which is like I think that's what's bumming me out. But I have had some really hot hookups lately, so it's not all bad. Not what I want, though. See, look, there's a thousand and one complaints that women lay on you. I sit here. and I cleaned out my desk a couple months ago and one of the folders I found all my first couple of years,

you know, when you got a spot at the store, you steal the piece of paper from the wall. I found all of those. I found all my call sheets from Spider-Man 2 in the longest yard and law and order. Anything I had done, I found the call sheets, you know? And I ripped out all those lineups, and I looked at the thing,

And I, first off, the first thing I looked at Who's still working? It was still 16 fucking comics in the lineup. There's always two girls. So all these women that are crying about today that they don't put enough women at the store. It was the same shit. I got the lineups for days in a row, for years.

There's not as many of us, though. Okay, so right away, you've never been one of those that whined. You've always gone after it. Okay? You've always gone after it. And that's where you gained my respect. Because some people, like you said, this is tough. This isn't like a year and then it ends.

This is every day. Yeah. I'm here 20 fucking years and this morning's Lee gets up and I've already fucking tweeted, you know, the whole fucking thing written. I've already done a thousand things. Why? Because I know that something can happen anytime I could get a call. It's true.

And this could all change. I've lived here for a long time. I remember auditioning for a movie, April 5th. and having people call them every fucking day. And then one day they called me in July and said, what are you doing tomorrow? You're so right, man. And I go, I'm not doing anything.

Why? They're like, do you want to go to a table read tomorrow? About 1 o'clock? And I said, sure, I'll be there. And they go, all right, we'll see you there at one. And then about two hours later, they called back and said, hey, what are you doing after the table read tomorrow? And I go, nothing, they go, you want to take a flight?

You want to take a flight down to Albuquerque, New Mexico with us, and shoot for six weeks. So right there. You're right. People have no idea when somebody calls you on a Monday and says Tuesday at 1 o'clock you got to go somewhere

and at 4 you're taking a fucking plane to New Mexico and you got to put all your business in order. You got to lay it on your girlfriend or whoever to watch your cat or your fucking dog. You're right. You got to have somebody deposit the checks

because you're not going to get paid on the set in Albuquerque. They're going to send the checks to your house. Yeah. You're right though, man. And the thing is, it's like you got to be ready for that. But also, I can't tell you how many times I didn't pick up my phone and I caught back an hour and a half later and the job is gone. I mean, you've got to be so on it. No, I don't give a fuck when I ain't many times you. You know, when I first got out of my marriage, I started dating a guy, a comic actually, like a successful comic. And I remember at the time, I was really into this guy. And you know, he said to me and I was pissed at the time, but now I'm so glad. He goes, you shouldn't be dating me right now. you want this you should be out seven nights a week doing it you shouldn't be dating anybody and he wouldn't see me anymore and i remember the time being like fuck that guy i'm gonna fucking blow up so i can be like fuck you man and i was angry but then it motivated me and then i really that's what made me start going out

and getting up like two three nights a week listen all that lovey-dovey shit yeah i told me one day i told lee i love this kid with all my heart i go lee i appreciate what you're doing with paul i love it but right now right now if i'm talking i'm talking i don't i'm talking i lived a life and I fucked up my life. If I could do it all over again and I was 29, 28, there really would be no love attachment

until I made my first million dollars because in this new world order and this new society and what I mean love attachment is Kate, I love you. You're my fucking woman. I'm not going to cheat on you. Nothing's going to happen. But duck, I don't got time for fun and games.

But that is, that is a relationship. I don't have time for fun and games. That is a relationship. You know, fun and games is Sundays? I don't have time to meet up with your fucking stupid college friends and watching New England Patriots and I have margaritas. I got to work because that's a different... You know those attorneys? It's easier for guys.

I need that. There's agents I know that I talked on Sundays, and they're going to work. Oh, yeah. No, that's true. They're going to work at their house. You know, attorneys, I love attorneys because a good attorney will tell you, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't watch football.

They never chill. You go to your office. You're always doing something. even if you go do one hour's work, you're mentally there. True. You're there. Listen, we need, some people need a day off. I've trained my mind that I take six hour blocks off.

Like a six hour block for me, you learn how to rejuvenate in six hours. That's impressive. I think that what you just said is what the problem is, it's not physically exhausting this work. It's mental. But it takes a mental strength. to just get, and it's like, oh, it's not as hard, but it's just to always be on call, to always have it, to always be on,

it does, it does drain the battery a little. Let me explain some people. Aren't you just always thinking, like my brain is always fucking, you have to be, when I was a kid, my best friend was gearhead. And that's what they called him,

gearhead because he was always a la-la. That's how I am. I can, it's not a lot of. Gearhead today is worth $10 fucking million dollars. Because while you were thinking of Joseph and why he's not dating you, And if he's dated his girlfriend, Gia was thinking about what's important.

You said something very interestingly. You said it's very mental, whatever. At the age, in 1994, I got mad at the world. I got divorced. And some people took her side. Some people took my side. You know, shit was going on. I was broke.

I was frustrated as a comic. You get frustrated as a comic. Sure. And the frustration is you won. It's so fucking bad. You don't understand. understand how bad I want this, so you figure out how you're going to get this, and you know it's a plan. But I remember thinking to myself this.

You know, I tell Lee I love him. I tell Kate, I love when I talk to Joe at the end, we'd say we love you, the kids I grew up with. I don't give a fuck what you people say, you know, in the sense of your family. I have a tight-knit group of people. You have to mentally be strong and say to yourself, you know what if this person loved me he wouldn't act this way or she wouldn't act this way that's true I'm getting rid of them

you're right I'm getting rid of them you're right this is so stressful that you can't the worst part of this this and anything that has your mind involved on the daily is when you get caught up in somebody else's life

that's it well not just yeah no one now I'm living with Kate Kate is depressed The sitcom got fucking My sitcom is rocking and rolling My sitcom is rocking and rolling On ABC Yeah

And yours just got canceled So now you're mad I'm depressed And then you're killing it And then there's this weird elephant in the room Yeah totally I see that Yeah

And this is why I tell people You know what man If something and you're You have to eliminate problems You're right And pick you have to pick What is that expression? You have to pick your battles

Pick your battles you really do you can't worry that's why when I hear people talking about politics or the Jets or whatever I look at that car that's got three dents in it I go why are you worried about the Jets or Trump or Hillary

or fucking Pence or any of this shit where you got problems right to the front of you nothing really started to work for me in my life to especially with comedy you know what I used to do every afternoon I used to fucking get up smoke dope write a little bit go get Chinese

go see if I got check in the mail over on Gardner and then from there I'd hook up with a bunch of comics and we talk about our futures and I realized the guys I was hooking up with had no future. What was I doing? Four hours and afternoon hanging out with these guys getting depressed and I eliminate them from my life

and next thing you know we're here. You know I heard the best quote somebody said to me one time they said if someone cuts into your self-esteem cut them out of your life like if anything about them is making you feel shitty cut them out and it's it's true i'm pretty good about it for the most part but occasionally i fall into one well and it's not that it's just there's people who come into your life and they consume energy

that's it that's it that's it and one day you're like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa i'm sitting over here worried about this person and i got two shows that's sold out exactly why the fuck am i yeah you're right there's just so many aspects of the mind you know it's like it's like when people first come out here you ever see a movie star blow up right in front of your eyes yes Tiffany Haddish I'm talking about like I saw

that fucking dude the dude that did they used to be I met Ahmed Ahmed's roommates Vince Vaughn Oh Vince yeah I saw Vince Vaughan blow up Yeah I saw Vince Vaughn blow up yeah

I saw Vince Vaughn blow up so hard that he got over saturated Yeah and they blew him up even so hard that for a while he was just doing bomb movies. And that happens because it's the law

of diminishing returns. Returns. You know, you cannot take on 18. You and I both know. That's true. That's true. If you came to me right now and said, Joey, you're on a TV show, you're going to do stand-up and I'm going to maintain the podcast.

I'd sit down honestly and go, okay. We, Lee, the Podcasts on Sunday nights every Sunday because I can't do it during the week. That's it. TV show. There's no way I could fit in during the week. That just happened to me. There's no way I'm going to work all day and come home, watch my pussy and come in here and talk to some fucking guests.

And then be prepared for tomorrow. So Sundays, I'm doing that. Then I look at my comedy schedule and I go, you know what? I don't want to do this, but I have to do this. This gets scrapped. This gets scrapped. You have to choose. You have to choose.

You have to choose. You're right. This gets scrap. This gets scrap. put Friday and Saturday rooms instead there the whole time so I could stay home until Thursday. You don't want to spread yourself too thin. It's so easy to do.

I've seen 20,000 comics over the last 20 years start running with the ball, and next thing you know, that same ball kills them. You know what I think it is? Because I think it's when you're starting out. You want to say yes to everything because you just want anything. You're like, I want exposure. I'll do your podcast.

No, no, no. But I'm talking about when you first start out, you say yes to anything. And every year, there's a Shabbard festival. Yeah. The thing about Shabbat. Yeah. Right?

Every September, the Shabod Telethon. And they do it in Beverly Hills. And I never figure one day I'm an acting class. And as I'm walking out, the acting teacher conduct me. I goes, come in for a second. Some guys called here looking for you. I go, really? And I read it.

And some kids, I call them up, and they have like an Israeli accent. They're like, I know. What is doing this? videos for Shabbat and we saw you and we want to use you, it does not pay, but you know, all this shit, it's going to be seen by 3,000 hundred million Jews. He goes, hopefully he's going to be there. Spielberg, the whole thing. We cannot pay you.

I go, let's fucking do it. They fucking called me on Labor Day. Me and my wife had plans. Like, we had just started saying. This year? No. Oh, back then. This has to be.

Because we were talking about it the other day, Shabbat Talat Talat. Hilarious. I go, remember that? She goes, please. I'll never forget that. We had just started, we had been dating like maybe two years. I was always on the road. I'm finally home one weekend.

And this Labor Day, we get invited to a party. And something, we had like a dinner. Like, we used to, our big thing in those days was sizzler. That's still my big thing. If we went to Sizzler in those days, that was to celebrate, like, movie roles. We'd go to Sizzler. Amazing. Like, if I got a TV show.

When I got the Chas Pomerary movie, I went to Sizzler, we spent $35. We're like, oh, shit. You're like steak night. Oh, my God. And those are the stories that you do. Yes, you're right. I was a little happier back then. You were happier.

Less stress. But you were, I think the happiest I ever was. If I wasn't dating a stripper, I would have had a much better time. I mean, I had a lot of... No guy has ever said that, by the way. Oh, my God. I hadn't had this damn stripper on my name. Oh, if I wouldn't have that stripper, she was the poison of death.

That's what you said. I spoke to her today. I checked up on her because the hurricane was hitting us. You guys became friends? We're friends, man. That's hilarious. Listen, let me tell you something. You had the taste in women that I have in men now.

I think you had it. And then you like... No, I dated this chick because I was married. I dated a chick that I was married to a chick that one night, by mistake, I popped it in her muffler. By mistake? Oh yeah, that's what every guy says. And three in the morning. Three in the morning.

I went for a piece of ass and I put in the wrong hall. By mistake. And the next day she was furious. She woke up and she's like, I bled from my ass. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a little fucking thing. So I was like, I was married to that.

Wait, can we discuss that for just one second? Hold on. So you accidentally put it all the way in there. Like she didn't say anything like halfway in like, hey, wrong. You're in my ass. I don't fucking know. And then she woke up in the morning in pain and didn't realize that like she didn't Same thing the night before?

I don't even remember. I'll never forget that the next morning she said something to me and she wasn't happy for a few days. For a few days. I was, you know, I went from being like a lunatic to being settled down for six years.

I bumped into a few pieces of ass along the way, but nothing too crazy. They used to be this girl. She used to make fucking cheesecake. She was from Hawaii. She grew up in Hawaii. And she used to make. I make cheese cakes at this fucking cheese place.

It was called like a cheese restaurant, but they made sandwiches. But she worked behind the register and she made cheesecakes. Okay. And she was from Hawaii, and she was tremendous. I met her when I was about 19, and she probably was about 20. She had a boyfriend named Kip. And I was friends with Kip and his Gumbah. We used to go up there and she would give me a slice of cheesecake.

Oh, I bet. She was tremendous. She was beautiful. She was blonde, real big, fucking tits, real. Yeah? Like, fucking playmate-type tits that were real, banging body. I liked her very much. You know, I respected her.

She had a boyfriend. I spoke to her. I talked to her from time to time at the pool and shit. He doesn't believe it. And I went to fucking juts. I respected her. I went to Jersey for nine, ten months. I don't know how much I respect.

When I came back, she was still there, but now she was dating a Spanish dude. Like from Spain. That was a chef at Paula France. She was in love with him and shit. Nice. And fucking, you know, we used to double date. Me, the girl I was married at the time.

I wasn't married to her. You were going to marry. Yeah. And the Spanish dude, I used to be a house sitter. And I used to, instead of bringing them to my side of the house, I would invite them to the big side. And we had a jacuzzi. And we had a, from the jacuzzi, you walked inside.

and there was a steam thing, like a steam room, and then there was a sauna, then there was a shower. So, you know, for a few weekends on Friday nights, they would come up, and we'd get a few eight balls, and we'd all go in the jacuzzi, and she'd have a little fucking bikini on. From time to time, she would ask me creepy things, and I was friends with her. She'd ask you creepy things?

Like what? Like, are those the only towels? You know, like the, like the, like the... Why is that creepy? Are those the only towels? I don't know. Like she was saying, though the only town is because I would eat like a bigger town,

like to make me get out of the jacuzzi or something. Oh, Oh, she's wanted to watch you walk away? No, I didn't like, I don't know. I don't know what the deal was. I want to see photos of you back then.

I just sent you one. Oh, that's right. Yeah, but you couldn't see her body. So I was yoked. So, so fucking.

You don't need to see it. Just. So, this went on for weeks. And one Friday night, I went and cop from this chick named Neely Bermint. She had some fucking great aching. cocaine. I mean, it was

fucking tremendous, fucking she gave it to you on wax paper. I mean, she was... Yeah, everybody was giving it to you. Everybody was giving it to you aluminum foil then or bindles. She was given it to you in wax paper, but she wouldn't sell you nothing less than a quarter-ounce.

Like you put in the, yeah, and it was 700 for a quarter-ounce. The Coke was that fucking good. It was right off the clip. They ended up blowing that dude up in his Jeep. The guy she was getting the coke from, they blew that dude up in a fucking fucking Jeep and shit. Blew him up?

Blew him up with a fucking that Coke was coming direct from the fucking Collie Cartel. Yeah. And let me tell you something. We went back and we were at my house and this shit at the time

the chick who turned me on to this other there were lesbians. I was friends with a lesbian chick and one night she gave me a blast and I was like, what the fuck was that? And she goes, this shit I'm pimping. She was friends with the hot blonde

with the big tits. No, no, no, no, no. She was friends with the drug dealer. So she told me on them back to my place with this nitro coke. And I gave a seat a couple lines and we're having a good time. And we're talking to me and the guy talking Spanish. And she gets up and she walks out of the tub kind of like creepy and looks at me. And I see that she walks in and she goes into the steam.

And I go, you know what? I got to play this fucking hand. No. I was savage. Right there with my... Your girl's in the hot tub. My girl's in a hot tub. I got out.

And I get up and I walk right in there. And when I walk into the fucking steam bath, she's sitting there with the steam on. Naked. No, no, no. She just had a towel on. No, she had nothing on, just a bikini. And she goes, what are you doing?

I need to cool off too. I need to warm up too. It's kind of getting cold. She goes, I know. And when she said cold for some reason, I looked down and her nipples wear hard. Uh-huh. For some reason.

And I just looked straight in the face. And I go, take that top all. Like, I just couldn't take it no more. Did she do it? Fuck, yeah. They all do it. I can't. They all do it.

I wouldn't do it. No, I wouldn't. When you got banging tetties like you, when you have three or four lines in you, somebody says those tits are tremendous. Maybe. Take a little peek at those things. She dropped them, put it back on. And that was it.

Oh, that was it. Oh, that's not bad. Hold on. The story gets deeper and deeper, like the Madonna's song. He's pissed, by the way. He's like, I mean, that's it. Deeper and deeper. and deeper and deeper.

You're giving me a set. By the way, this story is making my trust issues with men so much worse because I can't believe your girls in the hot tub and you're doing this. I come back to the hot town.

We hang out to about four but the chef had to go back to work at 6.30 in the morning. And he kept saying that I can't snort at the 4th because I have to be at the restaurant at 6.30. So she was leaving

and said, I'll see you at 6.30. Just like that dog. And she looked at her and she went like this. They left. I fucking went back gave my wife a stab and ate a monkey. She passed out. I gave her one of those Cosby pills. I took a

Cosby pill. I went inside, watch porn jerked off. And at about 6.15, I marched down to a house. I was too fucked up to drive. I walked down there like a soldier. I knocked on the door, she answered the door with a robe. I showed to the rest of the bendal. And I

walked out of there at lunchtime with fucking red cheeks and a fucking worn-out helmet. Shut up. You fucked your girl, your wife, not your wife yet. Then you jerked off. Then you went and fucked her? No, no, no.

Then he took a walk. He took a walk. He took a walk. I got the testosterone coming back. Oh, my God. I walked a mile leaving. How old were you? I don't understand that.

How are you going to justify that to your wife? I was 21 years old. Well, he wasn't married yet. No, I wasn't. Well, no. I was saying his car was there when he took a walk. Cat, Quigley. That was a savage, darling.

Jesus. I walked back in at lunch. She was still sleeping. My wife went to bed at six. Sex coked up. Oh, so she was asleep at lunchtime. She wasn't my wife. She was my girlfriend.

Then you married. I was 21 and she was fucking 20. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were kids. It's fine. Holy shit. I just don't know. But I walk down there, listen, when you're 21, you get 19 hard-ons. Not the men's a blow.

And she was beautiful. I mean, just looking at her. I love that. She answered the door with a fucking robot. Yeah. I just walked in. We started making out. Did she know you were coming?

Did you call her? No, I told her on the way out. I looked at him, and he kept saying, You winked? I have to be at Paul LaFontz at 6.30 in the morning. Paul LaFran. So I looked at and I go, I see her 6.30. And she looked at Mitchell like this.

And I was like, oh, shit. This was easy on what I thought. This is. At first I was really paranoid. I thought the boyfriend was going to call me and say, did you tell her you were going to come over at 630? I just said, see her since 30. And that was the end of it.

Damn. But she made the best cheesecake. ever had your fucking life. Oh, well, then. All right. That's what did it for you, the cheesecake. We went from fucking suffering and comedy back to a filth story.

Do you want me to tell you my bad Vegas story? No, not yet. I'll save it. I don't want you to be depressed no more. I'm actually okay. You've been here for 11 years and you have to understand

that it goes, Jesus Christ. Listen, I got to hear from 98 to 2005. I was all steam ahead. And then 2006, it kind of weirded out. And then 2007, I got, My Name is Earl. I did four episodes. They were going to, he liked me, Greg Garcia. He goes, you know what?

We were only going to do like 10 episodes in the jail. We're going to do all the second half of the year in the jail. So just show up every week. I was going to get like fucking 10 episodes on My Name is Earl. And especially during pilot season. You know what that's like? People watch, My Name is Always Hot. Yeah.

So people are watching you on TV during pilot season. There's a fucking TV strike. Oh, I know, I know. And then the economy went up. So here was the deal. When the economy went belly up, at that time, I was living off residual checks. It was 2007. The longest yard was still sending me big checks.

Spider-Man 2 was sending me fucking, I was making a living off Spider-Man 2. And then all these little TV shows I was doing were sending me checks. So they kept that. house alive. Yeah. My $50 gigs with George Perez and Felipe Spars and Rudy Marino and Greg and Jeff Garcia. Those gigs were paying. You know, if you hustled back then, come on. Paid more. Yeah. You made $6.50 a week as a nobody comic. Yeah. It's amazing. Every night, those Mexicans paid money. Everybody had a room. Monday night, you picked up $40 and you went to the ice laugh factory and picked up $25. Yeah. Then you went to the store for the 15, you know,

And that all adds up. You get 40 that in a check in 10 fucking days, but at least you're working towards something. And then Tuesday night, we were going to Casa Latina, and that paid 50. And then from there, there was a guy who had a room in Whittier, and that paid 75. So you picked up one in the fucking quarter on a Tuesday.

Wednesday, you can make... It's like living in New York now as a comic. If you get in at those clubs, you make $150 a night. Yeah, you're good. All those guys do. All those guys do. Although in New York, that's not, in New York, that's like enough to live in someone's closet.

Yeah, but still. You're still making $150,200. You have to be out there every night. You're right. And you and I both know that the day you take a vacation, the day you fall in love and go away with your boyfriend. All these singers. All these female singers from fucking Gwen Stefani to the fucking chick from the valley. Love fucks you up.

Love fucks you. That's it. They can't sing no more. They're done. Her and the other girl. You're right. My hump. my hump my hump what happened to herggy

fergy done love I'm telling you that's it done the dude was in Vegas I'm stupid can I tell you something can I tell you something I have been like hung up on this fucking dude who's a piece of shit meanwhile I have a super duper hot guys that will fuck me whenever I want and are great in bed and I could totally just when I'm horny hit them up and fuck them and concentrate on my career that's where girls fuck up because we catch feelings and then we

We pay attention to that. Dumb fuck instead of our career. That's it. You're so right. That's it. You know what I wish there was? There needs to be some kind of like pill that women can take that makes us like act more like dudes. Like I want to be more like a guy.

That's what I want. I'm already very guy like, but I want more like I want guy feelings. I do want guy feelings. You guys are so lucky. You're so lucky. If I was a guy, I would leave here tonight. I'd hit up some super hot dude. I'd go fucking.

I mean girl? No, well, I'm saying if I was a guy personality, but like with my body and a vagina, I would go fuck somebody and it'd be amazing. And then I would just go home and not even think about him until next time I was horny. That's what I want. That's what I want. But it's not that easy. I know, but that's what I want. Guys pay for their fucking sins too.

Let me tell you what happens to guys, bro. You don't watch the movie Boomerang. No, why would you? Lee, you're watching Boomerang? Oh, wait. The Eddie Murphy movie? Yeah. You watch Blumering, Lee?

I don't believe so. Why would you? Why would you? You're too busy. No, I think I watched it when I was a kid. I kind of congratulate you for watching Narcos. Finally, Mama gave you the green light. Boomerang is a very interesting story.

If you're a guy like me, we've all grown up with guys that are very hot and that are ladies men. They're fucking ladies men. Yeah. Okay. Boomerang is that story. Boomerang is a story about a guy. who's successful, good looking, has all the toys,

invites women over for dinner, cooks for them, puts on black music, and they, you know, they think they're cool. And I never got it. I never got guys how women didn't see certain things

that I saw in guys that were fours. So this guy, that's all he does. He fucks four different women a night, a week. But then you meet your fucking one. And that one, fucks these guys up dog when you get a guy at 30

and he's good looking but there's something not right like he doesn't let you come to his house or yeah something's not right like the day you do get to his house he's cool he doesn't cheat on you but something's not right but he's really handsome and you know like trying to figure him out

like what's going on yeah it's that somebody fucking electrified him because those guys are so I know so I seen a thousand times I had a friend I grew up with that got different pussy on demand. Every night, Spanish dude. Pussy on the man.

He fell in love with this white chick. The chick fucking fucked his world up. He walks around now. He's like, on the walking bed. I think that's it. I'm telling you. I know for a fact. That's it.

Somebody fucks him up. In boomerang, Eddie Murphy's character gets fucked up. They threaten to fire him. Like, they threaten to fire him. Like, it's a stupid movie or whatever. I'm going to watch it. But my point is, it's a fucking, Chris Rock is great.

My point is that those guys play that they don't get burnt for a long time. They live on top for a long time. But then they bump into a girl that flips it on them. And these guys, they don't know what to do. They were the quarterback. That's it. They always been the quarterback. And when they get flipped on, they get flipped on.

It's like fucking bat. You're married to Brad Pitt, but you cheat on them with. a guy like me. Like, he can't sleep at night. What the fuck? That's it. That's when, that's what happens to those guys. You're right. That's what happens to those guys.

They get electrocuted early and their fucking central nervous system. Now you can't get them back. Listen, let me be honest with you. And it breaks my heart to say this. Uh-oh. I'm very fortunate as a man. I see people who go sign up for groups. Like, uh, singles groups.

Oh. And they go on vacations. like, you know, you, I just saw the ad about a month ago. Like a singles cruise or something? Like, singles cruises or maybe like a singles resort. That sounds awful. Well, you go, listen to me, but you have to think, and I'm not being an asshole here, but you have to think when you go to those things, if somebody's fucking not married by the age of 40.

Never been married. Never been married. You have to look at those things and go, wow. What happened? Like either no. Either they're retarded or they really just have bad luck with women. A couple weeks ago I was in a hotel

and I was having dinner at the bar and it was sad as I was walking in 100 people walked out. It was like I was the kiss of death but when I sat down I asked the bar to them what's the whole on? He goes there was a wedding. They were all going to a wedding. I go, oh thank God. So I'm eating by myself

and this guy comes over Kate Quigley good looking dude okay 35 athletic well off you could see that

you know he was staying at the hotel yeah this was a nice hotel I was there for a comedy club the suit was tailored you know the shoes were shined he had a shit together

he was color coordinated to the max and he ordered a double and the bartender said, you're here on business? He goes, no, no, I'm here for the wedding. And he goes, you're by yourself. And I'm eating and I'm watching whatever sporting event is on.

This poor bastard goes. I know I'm here by myself, but I'm really hoping to meet somebody. And my fucking heart broke. That was me at Brad's wedding last weekend. My heart broke, because this guy has it all. You know, this guy, from looking at him. From looking at him.

I'm looking at him. I'm looking at his shoe. I'm looking at his belt. I'm looking at his fingernails. I'm looking at his presentation just because just after he said that, I wanted to see what this guy was selling or if he was a yokel. I love that you analyze his fingernails as part of that. This is part of the batois.

Does he have cologne on? Did he take a shower? Right. No, yeah. Is this guy fucking single because he smells like a goat's asshole? Yeah. No, this guy was done up. He didn't have a tie-out, so he wasn't lying to anybody, which I also liked.

He had the button opened instead of having a tie on. That means you're not looking to bullshit people. Okay. And then he had another double, and he walked out. And I went upstairs to my room and the comedy shows, but that night I thought about that situation. Like, how is a guy like that, 35, 38 is still single? He looks successful.

He said he flew himself in, like he flew in for the wedding. And the guy goes, does there anybody here you know? And he goes, I think he goes, I think he's, grew up with the groom, but he lives somewhere else now, so he didn't know any of these people. He was coming here, blindsided. But I could tell in the tone of his voice that this was a big thing for him. Like, he was hoping to meet someone at the wedding? To meet somebody at the wedding. Oh, God. And it broke my heart. I was like, I was always very lucky, you know. I always found some fucking poor woman that would fall from my shit. I never do. I never have a date to this shit.

You know, I went to Brad William's wedding last weekend. I had no date. And what's crazy is... You fuck ten different dudes. How to fuck ten? You call one of them and go... I don't fuck a bunch of guys. I'm spending ten dollars on me.

You know the problem? You know what I realized? The problem is the guys, like this dude I've been hanging out with, I thought we're dating. We go out. We go on dates. We're out in public. We make out in public. I mean, to me, that's dating, right?

But then he was like, he actually said to me, he goes, well, if I go to something like that with you, you know, then like, everyone's going to think we're a couple. And I was like, who fuck is. fucking cares. Guys don't want to be seen with me. You know what it is? Guys are embarrassed of me, I think. That's the problem because of my social media.

Because it's not Facebook official? I don't know. Is it social media or is it because you're fucking crazy? I am crazy Joey. I am crazy. But wait, I'm crazy, but I'm only crazy. Here's the problem, okay? This is really the problem. I fall for the same type of guy all the time and this is it. It's guys that

are really sweet and perfect and put on like the best show for like three months, just long enough to make me think they're awesome. And I'm like, I finally found a good one. And then the minute I cave and I'm like, okay, you know what? I really like you too. Then they fucking like pull back and ghost out or barely text me or stop taking me out.

Because you let them go all the way. You let them take pictures of your pussy and fucking the asshole. No, I stopped letting guys fuck me in the butt because of you. You're welcome. Yes. Once they fucking ears, I'm not going to call you back. The flowers are...

I don't do it anymore because you told me they won't take me to dinner. And then you were right. So now I don't let guys do that unless we're together. That's so fucked up. That's like my promise ring. My butt hole is my promise ring. So you think of Joey every time some guy asks you to do? I do.

You got to block that muffler. Once you give it away, you're done. Unless you move in, he's paying rent for a few months. Yes. You get the car payment going. I even said it to a guy. I said, Joey Diaz told me, if I let you, you'll never take me a dinner again. I said that to him.

And he laughed. He cursed you, but he didn't do it. No, he knows. They giggled too because they know. Listen, once they fuck you in the ass and they turn you around and they jizzing your mouth, why are they going to take you to dinner? Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm too flirty because when I like a guy I do, I send him like hot photos

and I'm very sexual. I can't help it. I'm in my 30s. I'm so horny. You're crazy. I don't fuck a lot, though, but I'm horny. Women were horny. so I can't help it.

If I'm dating guy, I want him to fuck me a lot. I think it's too much for guys. I freak them out. I'm freaked out that you had no problem with doing anal and having you flipped around and comb in your mouth. You just blew right past that. Yeah, that happens. Who goes a fuck? That's another day at the office.

That's another day at the office. It depends how clean I knew I was. I take good care. I'm very clean. No, no, no. Listen, the hot ones always take care of the engine. You know what I'm saying? that's how you know if I think I'm gonna have sex I don't even eat that day

if somebody tells you that they're a good piece of ass when somebody's a good piece of ass they really take care of that monkey they don't want you to go away with no nothing you know what I'm saying I'm obsessive because my one thing I know I have to offer this probably shows how low my self-esteem is is that I know I'm really good in bed

and I keep my shit clean and like everything is you know I know a guy is gonna want to come back so that's the one thing I that's like my trap Do you have like a pep talk before you go out or something? Yeah, I stand on a mirror and I give my vagina a pep talk. I think it's time for Tony Bennett. Crazy.

I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks. What are you going to do? It's Monday, cock suckers. Why be depressed? A somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company

Wait and see I want to be around To see how he does it When he breaks your heart Two bits Let's see if the puzzle fits So fine And that's when I'll

I don't discover that revenge. What's up, Lisa? Yeah, you're looking good, you bad motherfucker. Let me give some shoutouts. I want to give a shout out to my brother, Bob Lalingis. We got a box on him and him. I got something for you at the house. Thank you very much, sir.

Sweetheart of a guy, Bob. Bob, you know, I think about you a lot. I think about your dad. I think about where your head is at, and I hope you're doing well, and, you know, I love you. Thank you always. Joey Rookland. Andy Forbes, Forbes, my man over there in 10.

holding it down the beard of wisdom. Brian O'Shea, Rozdud who gave us some tremendous weed, fucking family to the church. David Macca, a bad motherfucker, and Indy Guna. I love you, Cuck, sucker. Don't forget this Saturday,

me and fucking cater at the Cherokee Casino. And then in two weeks, 927 or something like that, the Pittsburgh motherfucking improv. I'm coming in heavy because I'm not doing Philly this year, so I got to do Pittsburgh. And the other side.

All right. So what the fuck happened to you in Vegas? Oh my God. All right. I really, really want to name the name of who this was with, but I'll tell the story and people will probably figure it out.

By the way, this has never happened to me before. So it's not like I do this all the time. No. Okay. Never. So I'm in Vegas. I'm doing the Laugh Factory.

And I was there for a whole week. So I have a friend in town who is more like an acquaintance. A guy I've hung out with a few times. who's performing in one of the shows in town. This guy is the hottest. I mean, he's a very famous, very hot guy, actor, model type. He would be like Hallie Berry if you were a chick, okay? So we've always had a flirtation, but I never hooked up with him

because I had a crush on one of his friends, so I didn't want to ruin my chances with the friend. So whenever we would hang out, I would kind of blow him off. So after my show at the Laugh Factory, my girlfriend really wanted to meet him. So I go, okay, I'll take you down to his show, but you have to promise no matter how drunk I get, don't let me leave with him because I can't fuck him no matter what happens. And she's like, okay, I got you. So we go to the show.

Girls are terrible. Well, no, not really. I'm trying to be safe. I like his friend, right? So we go to the show and I have two drinks at the show. That's it. But it was like 112 degrees in Vegas. And I've been at the pool all day.

I must have been dehydrated because I had two drinks. And I was fucked up. Like, I was so buzzed. And then this guy comes out on stage as part of the show, and he takes a shower on stage. He takes off his clothes, and his butt is facing the audience. And he, like, lathers up with soap. The women are going crazy. And I'm watching it.

And I'm like, I might, I leaned over to her. I go, I might have to fuck him. I might change my mind. You might have to let me go. She's like, no, I'm not letting you go no matter what. So then after the show, we go to meet up with them. I have a third drink. now I'm like wasted and I said to her if you don't let me go home with him we're not friends anymore

she was like okay but I think you're going to regret this tomorrow you're really drunk and I was like it's fine you know I'm single fuck it who cares like if you had a chance to fuck hally berry you would fuck hally berry right okay so I go with him he's not saying in a hotel they put him up in a condo there. This is important because there's no maid service at his place. So we go back to his place. We get inside. We fuck on the balcony. It's so hot. We're like overlooking the strip. We can like see. There's people in a pool, like a few floors down. It's super hot. I'm so buzzed that I'm like getting off like three, four times right away, like that fast. Then he fucked me again. This guy's in his 40s. So he came once. Then he got another condom. Then he fucked me again.

Then after the second time, he's like, I'm going to hop in the shower and we're going to go for round three. So I'm like, great. So he hops in the shower, all of a sudden, I start to realize how drunk I am. You know when you're like in a club and you're drunk and then you go to the bathroom and you don't realize how drunk you are until you're in the quiet and like the room starts spinning? So the room starts spinning. So like I haven't gotten so drunk that I threw up since college. All of a sudden, I feel like I'm going to puke. And I didn't know what to do because I don't want to puke in this guy's apartment.

Like he's the hottest guy ever. So I start running for his kitchen. Like I'm like, maybe I can puke before he comes back out and he won't know. I start running for his kitchen before I can get there, like right by the bathroom. I start puking all over the floor of his condo everywhere. And then I didn't know what to do. So I turned left and run in the bathroom. He's in the shower and I just start throwing up all over his bathroom floor.

Like imagine you're in the shower and the girl you just fuck just runs into your bathroom naked, puking. You don't know it's coming. And he starts yelling at me. He's like, what the fuck are you doing? What? You're puking everywhere. I'm like, I'm so sorry. And I'm saying it. And I'm like projectile vomiting. And I ate salad. So I puked salad greens like lettuce all over his bathroom floor, his shoes, his clothes. By the way, I think they're like $5,000 shoes. I puked in his shoes. He's like, fucking puking in my toilet. What the fuck? I'm like, I couldn't get there. I'm trying to talk. And I'm throwing up at the same time. It was so bad. And then I, I, I puked in a sink.

I filled up the sink. It called the sink. Then I start running for the toilet. And then he goes, this is why I don't fuck white women. Because he's a black guy. So then I'm in the toilet and I'm puking. And I start crying because I'm embarrassed.

And then I was like, I know you don't know me that well. But I swear I haven't done this in like 10 years. Like I haven't been this drunk in so long. I only had three drinks. Like I'm trying to explain. And he was like, oh fuck they ain't coming to queen for a week he's like fuck he starts grabbing towels he's

there's Joey this is embarrassing but there's like lettuce from my salad how much salad did you eat a big kale salad right a huge salad there's salad greens the whole bathroom's white on the walls on just everywhere and he doesn't even know yet that it's in the apartment too he hasn't gone out yet so he's like getting my shower so he shoves me in the shower. I'm naked. I puked in his shower. He turns on the water. So now there's cold water on me. And I'm like, I'm so cold. I go make the water warm and just give me a blanket. So he goes, I don't have any towels left. I used all the towels to clean up. So he gave me a hand towel. So I passed out on his shower floor naked with just a little hand towel with puke in my hair, puke everywhere, on the

floor. This is, can you imagine, like, this guy was watching me passed out gross and then it gets worse. Did you put this on Instagram? Fuck, no. I was so nervous when I woke up. I was like, what if he photographed me? Because here's the thing. Then I guess in my sleep, I was making noise because I was in pain. I think I had alcohol poisoning for real. So I was moaning in my sleep and I was like dry heaving. And then I start hearing banging. It's like 3.30 in the morning. And it woke me up. And I was like, is there a destruction. He goes, security is at my door. Shut up. Don't make any sound. I was like, just open the door and tell him I'm sick. He's like, I have a naked white woman passed out on my bathroom floor.

I am not fucking opening. This was like right after the R. Kelly shit happened. He was like, I'm not opening the door. So he wouldn't open the door. Security's there for like an hour banging on the door. Why? Because they could hear me moaning. I was moaning. I was like, oh, I was like dry heaving, Joey, for like two hours. I was so humiliated and I kept apologizing. I kept telling him, you don't know me, but I haven't done this since college. I've only met this guy like four or five times. So then I finally fall asleep.

I sleep quietly till 4.35 a.m. I wake up. I stumble out. This poor guy is cleaning my puke still. I stumble out. And by the way, all my friends are like, he's such a dick. I'm like, no, he's not. I would be pissed too.

I'm not even mad at him, but I stumble out. I'm like, hey, can I get like a t-shirt? I'll just sleep on the couch. He was like, fuck that. You leave it. He's like, you're not staying over. And I was like, I don't want to put my clothes back on. I was wearing like a skirt and like, I don't want to get redress.

He goes, where's your phone? I'm like, why? He's like, I'm calling you an Uber. I'm like, why don't you call it on your phone? He's like, I am paying for your Uber. He wouldn't even pay for my Uber. So he took my phone. He called me an Uber.

And then I went to put my heels on. He's like, don't put your heels on. I don't want the neighbors to hear you. Like, he didn't want anyone to see me. He was, like, so embarrassed to have me in his place. So I had to walk out, puke in my hair, walk down the hallway, carrying my shoes. You wouldn't talk walk of shame. Walk downstairs.

Call a fucking Uber. And then go back to my room and walk through the lobby of the Tropicana like this, like, and go up to my room. And then the next day I texted him. We were supposed to go shooting. We were going to go shoot gun shooting the next day. I text him, I go, I'm so sorry about last night. I swear it's never happened to me before. But I'll pay for a maid to come clean up your place.

You know, he just wrote back, I'm good. Have a nice life. You don't understand. This is the hottest guy I've ever fucked. One, two, he could have been an ongoing, like, great booty calls. Like, he could have been the booty call. He was so good. We had chemistry.

It was great. I don't like him, really. You know what I mean? Like, he could have been, like, my ongoing situation. that I have no feelings for, and I ruined it. I puked everywhere. You need to eat more than just kill next time. Let me ask you some.

I want a guy pukeling your fucking house. No, but it's not my usual routine. But if they ain't puking, it's something else. I never had a guy puke in my house, but to be fair, I've never puked in another guy's house. Once I did puke in a car, but that was when I was 22. The last time I puked, I was 22. But the reason I told this story is just because, even though it's so embarrassing, it's so funny.

Because it couldn't have been worse. It couldn't have been a worse. Well, it could have been worse. How? Have you puked on him during sex? You know, it's funny? People say that, but I feel like then at least he would have been like, well, like, if I would have, you know. What, did he fuck?

Did he, like, into sickness or something? No. I don't know. Like, at least if it was in the height of the moment, I could have some excuse, maybe. I could say like, you know, I don't know, I choked on his dick or he was, I just came so hard. I don't know.

But I mean, like, I still feel bad. And I hope he hears this. And I just want to say, I'm sorry. I really feel bad. This is why I don't fuck white women. He said this why I don't. And then also, but here's the more interesting thing. More. The friend who introduced me to him that I have the little like crush on,

which probably now will find out about this. he said Like if the guy's name was Jack He said This is the Jack curse Meaning like this has happened before with other women That this guy has introduced him to Like apparently he has like

Like a number of women That this guy introduced him to That ended up pulling some crazy shit on him Oh my God But so I just I'm sad Do you think that I can fix it though? No

Why not? Do you think there's any chance Like honestly No No No No, you're done. Puky kind of ends, especially if it's not like into the relationship.

Just puke ends? No, because I had a friend that I was friends with in Boulder, and we had had like a little fling, cocaine fling one night in Boulder. And then two or three years later, I went to Miami to do the Coconut Grove Improv. And she called me. She goes, I live in for a lot there now. Do you want to get together? I made it come down and we got a package and went back to the condo.

And we did some disgusting things. And then there was one point where I was just watching the news. I was coming down from Coke and she got sick. How, but like did she just puke in the toilet or did she puke everywhere? She puk kind of everywhere because she tried to go for the balcony. She was going to puke off the balcony? Yeah. You know, hey man, I've been there.

It could have been way worse. You got to do it. I wouldn't have puk off the balcony. What if you hit someone? Oh, you're going to hit someone. I would dry heave off that balcony in Miami tons of times. You did? I was a dry heaver.

That's why I don't drink. That's what I did. We'll see. I'm a dry. Listen, when you wake up from a hangover, there's an acid in your stomach. Not to mention you did blow or you ate some fucking pills. So that shit's in your stomach. So the first thing you do is you drink some fucking iced tea, right?

Why ice tea? I don't know. Something with lemons in it, something to get that acidity down something. And then you go outside and you stick your finger down your fucking throat. I can't do that. And I'd puke every piece of alcohol. out of my fucking system. You could feel a hangover,

the headache soothes. Really? Once that shit get out of my system? I just work out. That white foam. Oh. That white foam comes out. Then you're done.

Now you're ready for something greasy to synthesize the fucking cells. You can put the finger down your throat? I love that you pick lemon as the most non-acidic. Like that's the most acidic. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. But this is what worked for me. Well,

I can't make myself puke. If I could, I would have been bulimic. That was the only way I could get rid of that. hangover. Really? Because by sticking my finger down my throat and puking out that, that shit from the beer, what the fuck I was drinking the night before.

But here's the thing. You know me. I mean, I have two, three drinks all the time. I never have more than three, but I have two or three all the time, and I never throw up. I'm very, I'm a very controlled. Lee, what's the first thing I'd tell you before when I call you at 5.30 every night before a podcast? Eat something because we're going to go deep? Yeah, but three drinks.

Doesn't matter. You don't know how it's going to hit you. Oh, yeah, it was kale. You never know how it's going to hit you. He gave you a dose of good dick. You know what I'm saying? He rocked that little clip. He threw your equilibrium.

That's a bummer. He was so good. He made you go back and forth. So he fucked up your equilibrium. And the next thing you know, you got sick. And he wasn't lazy. That's the thing. Like, you know, I don't like to hook up with famous people because they're usually

lazy and bad because they get so many women. They don't have to try. He wasn't lazy. It's such a bummer. I ruined it. I'm going to try. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to try to find a way to weasel my way back into that situation as just a part.

No, no, no, no. He's going to make you do something you don't want to do it. He's going to make you blow one of his friends or something during the point. We're not going to do that. All right, then. I don't think you would do that. Sure he would. We'll see.

All right. Just sounds like you're going to stalk him. Just like end up outside of his condo. No, I would not. Actually, that's the way. I'm crazy, but I'm, the only crazy I am is texting. I'm not crazy in any other way. I don't show up at guys' houses.

I don't fucking, I don't do crazy. I don't stalk social media, but I do, I'm a crazy, I'll send a guy like 50 texts. And I honestly do like, I mean, I joke about it on stage, but I really do like my mood changes. And then I change directions, but I don't wait for them to respond. So I look completely schizophrenic. Let me ask you something. If you were a guy, would you date you? Like, you don't need to date me the best to give me the sense.

But here's the thing. Why would you date you text all fucking day? No, no, no. I don't text off. You drive me fucking crazy. Joey, I don't text all day Here's the thing If a guy

This is the problem If a guy that I'm really into Is into me back I just relax And I have fun with it The minute I trust them I'm so chill The problem is

The guys that are really into me That will give me what I want I never want them You know I spent the day yesterday With Don't say it No no no I won't say who

I spent the day yesterday With a really Wealthy, successful Hot guy who has an amazing house and likes me so much that he paid my personal trainer to come to his house and train us together. And then he made me breakfast.

And then we hung out all day, two days in a row. And he's so respectful. I barely text him. I never give him any shit because I'm not as into him. But the guys that like don't want me are the ones that I fucking like lose my shit over. That's the game.

I know, but I don't want to play the game. Why can't they just let me back? That's the level of the game they're taking you to. I don't want that game. Girls do the same thing. It's like you're putting quarters in the machine. I don't want the game. But the problem is I play the game well until I like them.

And then once I actually realize I like them, then I lose. It's all about the sex, though. If the sex is amazing, I get caught up. What do you expect? But the sex is only amazing when they're nuts, even if they're ugly. You reap what you sow. You know what I'm saying? I mean, listen, in 1998, 99, Damon Way.

will always come into the comedy store at night. Okay. I don't know if you know this Damon is really funny. Yeah. And he would come in at night. He used to have this bit about, how come crazy women always got the best pussy. What is that?

I don't think it's that we, I say we, I call myself crazy. You are crazy. It doesn't matter. I think it's what I like about you. I think it's crazy on crazy. It's not a crazy person alone, because if I fuck a guy that's normal, the sex isn't that good.

It's when the crazy meets up with a number. they're crazy it's that volatility that's what makes it hot i was fighting all day with a guy and then we're fighting for like we were fighting for like three hours and then i said at the end of the fight after i was like we should be friends and this is all on text right yeah i you know because he won't talk on the phone but after like three hours i was like after me being like we should be friends you're a piece of shit i'm so tired of you fuck yourself after all that i was like did this fight make you want to fuck really bad because I really want to come over and fuck tonight like literally like the fighting makes me want to fuck that's the problem the fighting makes me I love the fighting the angry

you have no idea are there more women like you are you normal oh no I had a girl this is the same I think that this is normal oh my this is normal for many women that's why women create drama it's a pattern it's yeah no no but I'm trying to change it I'm seeing the laugh factory therapist oh are you the one on Monday nights for 2250 she's free It's free. That feels like a Twitter bio line. I'm seeing the laugh factor right there. I really am.

I'm trying to get healthy. She can't prescribe, though, so she's not that great. Kind of a bummer. But I'm trying to get better. I want to start liking sane people. I just have to figure out how. It sums for my childhood. It's going to be fine.

You can't reprogram yourself. I'm trying. I'm going to give more attention to the guy that paid the trainer. And, you know, that's it. I'm going to lower my standards to the millionaire with a big house. You love being a loser magnet. They're not losers, though. They're not fucking winners either.

They're not doing nothing with you. So they're losers. I mean, you have to sit there and be real as a woman and go, why am I attracting these fucking losers? But the thing is, they're not losers. Like this dude, He does take me out. He takes me out.

So it's not like it's just a booty call, you know, and he does, like, text me and stuff. He just, he won't give me the intimacy that I want. Like, he won't let me sleep over. He kicked me out at 3 a.m. That's why we were fighting. She made me leave at 3 a.m. Isn't that the opening to bridesmaid? Kick me out at 3 a.m.

And I was like, why can't I just stay? And then we'll have sex in the morning. Then I'll leave at, like, eight. And he was like, I just don't want you to think that we're a couple. I was like, I don't think we're a couple. I'm just tired. And he's like, you live a mile away. Drive home.

He made me leave. And that's the problem. I want the guys that kick me out at 3 a.m. It's going to be fine. Do you steal like a water or something on your way out? That's what I would do. If someone had to get pissed off. Yeah, I took home a water or something else.

You lead a very interesting life out of you. You really do. It's not really. And eventually you have to choose between. the crazy life and these fucking chicks are leaving here with $100 million. Well, this is the thing.

And then you can fuck anybody you want. You can jump up and down. You get chlamydia, give chlamydia. But that's the thing. I can already fuck anybody I want. I want more than that, but I don't want, I don't want a marriage.

I just want a little, I want to be able to spend the night. That's it? That's not that much. I want to come over after my set. We get takeout. We fuck. I spend the night.

We fuck. I leave. if we flirty text. That's it. You're going to get a lot of applications after this podcast. And you would just stick with him, that one guy. I mean, honestly, if the sex is awesome and I like somebody, I don't feel the need. I'm not like a dude.

I don't feel the need to, like, hook up with a bunch of guys. But if that's what the guy needs, you know, and I happen to me to like male supermodel in Vegas, maybe an occasional hookup, maybe, but I don't look for it. Okay. You were thinking, you were talking about being a woman and having a man's perspective. Yeah. Okay. I used to have this friend.

Hot, hot, hot, little piece of ass. For years, I could never figure it out, but it wasn't my business to figure it out. She was a dear friend of a dear friend. But I was watching him one night. Watching her? I was just watching her, and then she would travel with my buddy from time to time, and I would try to figure out what her deal was.

And when I went to a comedy club. One of the comics was talking about two weeks ago. There were these people here, and they were talking about it. He told me the comic's name. And I go, who else? And he goes, that burg. And I go, how was she, man? Was she good in comedy?

He goes, yeah. He goes, but it was crazy. I was the last night before she left. And she just, pussy, come in my face, tie me up, choke me. The whole thing. My jaw dropped. She was saying that there at the... No, no, she wasn't saying nothing.

How did they know about it? Because this guy was telling me the story. And the first time I heard it, I'm like, I don't think so. I think this is just a young comic talking shit. But throughout the years, I heard more and more stories about this broad. On the last night, or the night before the last night, she would just get a victim from the bar, take him home, give him a good piece of pussy, and then leave town the next day.

And she would give them fake numbers and the whole thing. But all these guys that were telling me these stories had the same thing in common. What? She never came back to the club. And she never speak to us again. We saw her years later at this place. No way. So this girl had this thing.

And years later, I became friends of the girl and thing, whatever. But that was her sad. I couldn't do that. She would go to a town, and she was very discreet. Like I went to a town one time and they told me a story that after the show, she went to this club and had a threesome. And that she made, something happened that she made the guy, I don't know.

I don't know the whole story. Something weird. I don't know the whole story, but it was a weird little secret she had, but that was her thing. That's how she got off. Oh. She heard getting off was going to a town, picking a victim, taking them back to a hotel,

fucking them, and then disconnecting with him completely. I can't do that. I wish I could. Never talking a person again. No, but this is not, you can't do this here because they know you're a comic

and they'll hunt you down. I can't do it anywhere. So you'd have to do it if you traveled. I wouldn't do that. The most discreet guy at the hotel, just go up to him and go, meet me in the room, take him in the room,

tie him up, put ice cubes in his asshole. The whole, she was that type of savage. The problem is, I don't know. stinking like a man. I know. She didn't give a fuck. But like I wonder, I guess for her, like, the turn on was like getting off on the power of like seducing these guys.

But for me, I don't, I'm not as into it unless I like the guy. Like, you won't believe me. Like, my number's really low. Even though I have these, like, I do have these crazy stories and I tell them all. But my number is still like, I counted the other day because a guy accused me of. He's like, how many guys do you fuck? And I saw, I went home and I can still remember them all. It's only like, it's in the 20s.

It's low. It's so low. I swear to God. 20s is last month. No, I swear to God. Because I was married for 10 years. So I've only been single five years. It's only like been five or six guys a year.

It's not that many because when I find one I really like fucking. I kind of, I want to keep looking, but I just, I can't help it. I hit up the same guy when it's really good. And I don't, I have to kind of like them. Even, I've only had two one night stands. Only two guys that I've hooked up with once. And they weren't even really one night stand. because both guys kept texting me

for a long time after it just happened they didn't live in my area so we didn't hang out again. It's the same fucking thing as they're broad. Yeah, but I'm just saying like, it's so rare for me to meet a guy and be like, I want to fuck you right now and then do it.

Like, I just, I don't know. I don't know if it's because I'm paranoid or if I have to feel, I have to trust him, let him in my room alone. I don't know, but I don't do it very much. I really can't. Is that weird? God bless you.

man, a lot of kinky shit happens. A lot of crazy fucking shit happens. But I love kinky, dirty shit. Oh, yeah, but that's after you know the guy. That's it. That's it. Like, after you know the guy, like, if you... That's it.

Even the couples I've had threesomes with, I have to kick it with them a few times before I'll have... Like, I've never met a couple and just had a threesome, like, on the spot. Like, I can't do it. I have to like them both. What do you do with them before the threesome?

Well, like, there was a couple in Vegas that came to see me perform. in Vegas. Are they still following you? The guy actually, they broke up. And then the guy had the fucking nerve to show up at a show one night and like flirt with me and I shut that shit down. I'm a girl's girl. I was like, fuck that. He asked me going on a vacation with him. I was like, are you out of your mind? I would never, I'm not even like that good a friend with the girl, but I still wouldn't do that. They broke up because of it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they broke up. I think if you have a lot of, the thing is they were having threesomes and the guy was like stepping out on the side. That's the thing. If you're at,

having three if you have a hot chick letting you have threesomes and you're still trying to cheat like you have a serious issue i think this girl's hot but anyway i we hung out a few times you know they came to a show we had dinner then another time we had dinner and drinks i literally it was almost like i went on like three or four dates with them before i'd say it was like i was dating one person but i was dating a couple i couldn't do it the first time how do you guys sit at dinner like what they sit on one side together? Like El Chapo on Sundays. What's his name?

The guy in a Narco on Sunday. He was married to three different lives. That was amazing. Actually, the girl was on my side because it's always in that scenario the girl's trying to make you more comfortable, you know? Because if the guy does it, it's creepy. So it's always the girl. I've never had one, so I have no one.

Let me ask you something cake quickly. Who are your personal heroes? Heroes? This is going to sound so cheesy. but like my mom is like my hugest era. I mean, that sounds so dumb, but my mom is single. I think that's the way I'm with guys too. My mom was single and my mom would never take help.

It's like we lived in a pretty expensive neighborhood and my parents split up when I was in fourth grade. My dad made a lot of money. But when they split up, he just quit his job. Like overnight. He was like, I don't want to do this. I'm not paying child support. So he quit.

So my mom suddenly picked up three jobs to keep us in the same school. district and like doing all the shit we were doing. So she never slept. It's crazy. I never felt like a poor kid, even though we were. I took every class. I took like karate. I played soccer. I was a dancer. I did all this stuff. My mom would sleep in the car and then she worked nights and she worked days and she wouldn't take help. I think that's actually in some ways. Like I remember one time we had a grocery store, a guy in line behind us. My mom's card got declined and this guy tried to pay for groceries and my mom would not let the guy pay and then finally she took his address he paid with

cash and then she took him cash the next day and dropped it off but I think because of that it's made me me in some ways like I have a hard time taking help so sometimes even when I should ask for help like I'll have people offer and I'm like I can't it's the way I was brought up but my mom is like my hugest hero but there's other people like this is a cheesy one too but you know who I love Eminem, the rapper, because I just, I love that he like was someone who shouldn't have made it. He's a white kid and he's rapping. And then everybody talks shit and everybody was like, you can't do what you're doing. And instead of trying to pander and fit in, he was like, fuck everyone and did it his own way and still became like the hugest star.

So I think that that's the problem is I have a hard time in life and in business with listening to too many outside voices, people's opinions. And when I trust my own gut is when I go the farthest. Like that in a bikini shit you used to call me about. When I used to do those in a bikini photos, which I kind of stopped doing. But I took so much shit for doing those photos. Like people, comics hated that I was doing those photos. And I remember you calling me. You and Sam Tripoli are like the two guys.

You calling me and saying like, oh, me and my wife think those are so funny. Oh, hilarious. Yeah. And Sam, Tripoli, it was like, that shit is hilarious. And people that hate on it are like, jealous. Just ignore it and keep doing it. hilarious. But I almost, like, I literally almost changed my whole image

because of what I would hear other people say, and it was so hard for me to, like, ignore the outside noise. But I think that that's, I love anyone that ignores outside. Like, I love Joan Rivers. Like, I love anyone that, like, just ignores all the shit people say and are like, this is who I am, if you don't like it, fuck off, basically. And I'm trying to get more like that relationally. How is going to be my next question?

Who is your female hero? I love Joan Rivers. Because I see what you're doing, and it's very interesting. You know, like you said earlier, we were discussing the situation in your career, the humps and the bumps, you know? Yeah. But that's one thing about you that you're always, and there's times I look at pictures that you post, and I'm like, what the fuck is she doing? I know you call me. And on the back of my mind, I'm like, she's keeping her fucking career alive.

She's trying to do anything to stay. That's what social media is for. See, that's what we have the advantage of. If you get on a show tomorrow, you're on an ABC show, Modern Fan. family. When the show ends, you're still going to retain the people who watch that show because you're going to communicate with them. It's not like now that people don't talk to Kramer or whatever the fuck. You know, now it's different. We live in such a different social climate now. So true.

That you can retain these people and do comedy and they'll still come to your shows. Sometimes I do mess up. I mean, the thing with social media that I do is I used to be really smart about brand imaging. Like I have a marketing background, so I think that's why I had good luck on social media, because I see how you have to brand yourself even when you're an artist. You have to still create like a brand image for yourself like you do, you know. But the thing is sometimes I'll have moments where I'm just in the mood or I'm not going to lie. Like sometimes as a girl, there's moments you're like, I just want some attention. Or I think something will be really funny and I want to push a boundary.

Like when I did that video me peeing on the tennis court where I showed my whole ass, I think. thought that was so fucking funny and I knew people were going to talk shit but then I was like this is one going to get a million views two people are going to talk shit which is fine three it's funny to me so I fucking did it and you know a lot of people did text me and like red band even text me and goes are you doing porn now what the fuck like he didn't like it but criesure like reposted it and liked it and like the thing is it's just who knows this town's a crap shoot you throw a bunch of shit against the wall and you see what sticks and there's times that I think maybe I go too far. I literally did lose an audition recently for a show I wanted to audition for

because they were like your image isn't right for this network. So I mean, I have fucked up in some ways, but then I go, I'm being myself. Like you can only be yourself. No, no, keep doing what you're doing. People are not going to agree what you're doing. And you know what? You can't hate on them for that. That's just not what they're looking for. I'm over all that shit now. I've been over it for years. There's nothing you could do. That's why I told you that if you're not. getting the auditions you want and stuff, you really have to get the breakdowns for six months. That will make you go to the doctor and get Zetix.

When you're an actor, when you're an actor and you get the breakdowns. I almost don't want to see it. Let me explain some to you. This is the system. You get up out of bed, you pee, you either jump in the shower or you brush your teeth, you drink a cup of coffee, you smoke some pot. And the first thing you do is go on the computer and print up the break notes. Yeah.

And it's about 100 pages. And they have commercials. Yeah. You don't want to go through that. I used to go through them all years ago. You want to go through the films. And you go through film and TV and you make notes and you call your agent and you leave messages for your manager. And they start telling you stories about that nobody's answering the phone on this.

It personally says on the breakdown, this starts shooting next Friday. Right. But then I'll answer them the fucking phone, you know. Yeah. And then finally you're raging, I'll call you when they go, I'm that project you want to go in on. They had fucking, you know, Pamela Anderson for it. But they didn't say that on there. Right, right.

You know, so you learn a lot about casting from that perspective. You find out that that role that you should have. There was a timely in 2000 when I did Joey Karate. I got a call from this producer. They're like, listen, bro. We're going to FX We've got this show called The Fat Man show The Fat Man

The Fat Man show We're trying to pay you Another fat dude You're going to go to restaurants You're going to do this You're going to do that You're going to do this You're going to do that

It's going to be tremendous We're going to shoot a pilot in March It was like December This guy jerked me off To a week before the pilot shoot I was furious And almost jumped off a fucking building I wanted that fat show.

Yeah. They ended up using a kid from the I.O. And some other fucking comic that wasn't even on the road. They shot a pilot. And that FX didn't pick it up. So I didn't lose no fucking... Didn't matter. Didn't matter.

By the way, don't you like love the gruffness of Hollywood, how they call you and go... Like, nowhere else would someone call you and go, hey, we have this show called the Fat Man Show. We think you'd be a great fat guy. I chased them. I chased them. Well, I saw it they were doing it. You're like, this is perfect. Yeah, I wanted something that shot at Gower.

Right. I want to shoot something at Gawa. It's easy. But it's so funny the way they talk. Like when I got my Playboy TV show, they said to me, I will never forget my first production meeting. I swear to God, they said, Kate, you know why we love you so much for the show? Like, you're cute, but you're not threatening.

Like, you're not the kind of girl that other women are like, oh shit, my husband will leave me for her. Like, you're just, you know, you're average, but you're like a little above average. Like literally they were to, and I was like, you know, I'm here and I could hear this, right? But I mean, that's, in Hollywood, like, they almost forget that you're a person and they're like, you're basically just, you're a shell. And they'll be like, you know, what's great about you? You're not, you're like, you're real looking. Like, your roots are shitty.

Like, your skin isn't perfect. Like, you could use a little work. Like, that's how they literally talk to you. I think it's hilarious. But I also like it because, you know, it keeps me insecure, which I need. I've worked on a couple TV shows and I've been in the room when they're shooting the live portion of it for various TV shows. shows and the director will move the audience around. He'll be like, look, that woman has messed up fingernails, move her out of the shot,

bring someone else in, and they'll move people around. They'll have them, like, move just based on whoever looks the best. That's what's crazy. When I did that paid audience work, it literally, they would come through the line, and they would choose the most attractive people to sit in the front, and they would get paid the most. So you would be like, you're getting paid between 65 and 85, depending on where you sit, and then they would kind of, so you know, you're like, oh, I'm getting paid based on

how I look. so you'd have to show up. I mean, I had a gig. When I first came out of here, I used to be a promo girl. I was like a Dodgers girl. I shot a poster for the Anaheim ducks. I used to do all these sporting events.

And I'll never forget I came to work one day wearing like not that much makeup, like less than I have on now. And my boss goes, what's going on with your face? I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, you didn't feel like putting makeup on? And I was like, oh, I didn't think it was a big deal.

It was a Dodger game. She was like, go home. I got sent home. for not wearing enough makeup. Like, L.A. is brutal. Chicago, that shit never happened. You just show up and you're like, not fat. And they're like, good work. You're cute. Like, that's it. So you busted your hump here for the last 11 years. Oh, dude. I mean, like, I've never had a job where I had to clock in and out. I've always been freelance. So, like, I grew up since I was 19. So that's the thing is I'm at least, I was always

used to hustling for money. When I was in high school, I dropped out of high school. I think I told you that. I'm 17. And I got an apartment and I got a job waiting tables, which is its own hustle, because you make as much as, you know, you flirt. Like, your tips are based on how nice you are to people. And then college, I started doing promo gigs. So I always gigged. And then I emceived events. So, like, I knew how to hustle, which is, I think why when I started doing stand-up, I mean, entertainment is the same. It's how you treat people. It's how professional you are. And even though, like, comics artists we get a little freelance because we're a little nuts but at the end of the day if you show up on time and you're professional you're going to stand out there's a lot of people that like get so fucked up you know i've seen guys go on stage hammered and not make it through a set i mean so there is some element of like it's the same as any freelance job in a way and then you just have to also be creative i give you kudos i give you kudos because i know how tough for this to be a comic and how tough this to be a female comic and there's a certain attitude you have to

have to swim your way through the sharks if you're going to be a woman not let it get to here not take the bullshit and you do well you're out there every night i see that you're at the store you're at j davies's room while everybody else is crying see that was my thing i always thought while everybody else is crying i was doing something and even if i did a room and it paid me to $20. I was still on stage. Yeah. It was going to make me that much better.

I always didn't look at money for years. I never looked at money. Well, you can't at the beginning. As long as I was getting on stage, I didn't give a fuck what you gave me. When they gave me those three drink tickets and a free dinner, oh, my God. You're so happy. Oh, my God. You're so fucking happy.

I was joking at the Ice House last night. I was like, I'm going to sell these drink tickets to the homeless guys outside. No. Guys, you have no idea. When you first start comedy and you're full. A flap broke and somebody gives you three drink tickets and you have like $7 in your pocket. People don't get it. And you could tip the bartender now and sometimes you get six free drinks instead of three

and you tip the bartender seven bucks and it's fucking tremendous. I mean it's all it always works out. If I had six drinks I would die by the way but yeah. Fuck that if I was doing powder I could do six drinks in fucking 10 minutes. But that's the thing though is I think in some ways the problem for me is I love stand-up. And I just love stand-up. Like, I could be happy just doing stand-up. I like acting a lot.

I enjoy it. That's what I went to school for. Would you go out every week? What, and do stand-up on the... Well, that's the thing. I would do weekends. Like, I would love to just do Thursday, Friday, Saturdays. I'm not a big fan of what I've been doing, which is, like, the Wednesday to Sunday.

That's just so many nights. And it's like, it's a little brutal. It's lonely. I've been lucky because I've been taking red band and, like, taking friends, Jack Jr. but I mean the problem is I love stand-up, which is why I let the acting side, the TV side suffer a little because I don't work as hard as I should, honestly, at getting on TV because I just love stand-up and I don't care about being famous.

Like, it's great when someone comes up to me, like, it just happened to me, which, by the way, thank you for this. I was on a date in Santa Monica, and a waiter who was waiting on me and my date came up to the table and said, Kate, oh my God, I love you on the church. I watched Joey Diaz. He goes, dude, that's that story about you shitting your pants was so funny. Literally on a date with this guy who knows nothing about comedy, which is why I wanted to go out with him.

And I go, I'm not sure what story that is, but thank you. And he goes, you know, the one where you said you took the anxiety medicine, you shit your pants right before you went on stage. Like, he literally started explaining it to me. I was like, that's so sweet. Thank you so much. And then he walked away and then I had to tell the story to the guy I was out with. By the way, we never went out again.

But that's what I'm going. But I love when someone recognizes me for like my work, but like I have no desire whatsoever to be like out at the mall and have people know who I am. So I don't really pursue the acting stuff as much as I need to because you do need to, you know, because you got to have both. You got to have the TV credits. But I just like doing stand up. up. I'm just happy that you're around. I'm happy that you're hustle as much as, listen, if you didn't hustle, and if you were just going around fucking begging for chops, you wouldn't be on this show. Thank you. I applaud that you're out there because I know how tough it is. And like I said, I didn't know dick about dick. I only knew where stand-up was that night. That's all I knew. People come to me with these stories. Oh, my God, you have to be at this place. This is where Sean Penn hangs out and producers.

I go, no, I don't need to be there. I need to be on a stage. You go to that place and you get that mind fuck. There's nothing going to happen for you, your career. If you do a spot at the Mexican place, then you stop at this place on Santa Monica, and you end up at the store. That's three spots.

I was doing, when I first moved to L.A., yeah, I was doing 400 spots a year. That's crazy. That's three spots of night. Sunday nights. That's a lot. That's a lot. I would do.

Let me see. Yeah, I would do one to two spots seven nights a week. Some nights I'd do three. That was what I... That's how I was for a while. Saturday nights. When I lived in Seattle,

I got to Seattle in 95. Monday and Tuesday, winter underground. Wednesday, there was three different people who had a night. Either you got paid or you got a guest spot. And Thursday, Friday, and Saturday was the same.

And then Sunday there was an open mic at the underground where you got paid. So me, you, Lee, Red Band, we'd all get together, do a show. Yeah. They'd give us 70% of the door. We'd take the money and we go to McCormick and Schmitz and spend it all up there for the happy hour.

Yeah. They have the best happy hour of it. Yeah. So that was it. That was, you know, that was the beginning of your marketing. Like that was how you learn all this shit. But at the same time, you're doing

what we're supposed to be doing I've seen I moved here Kate I went home so many nights heartbroken because for years

there was always a new kid in town and it was never me it was never me there was always a kid who came in and did three spots at night

and the guy from the improv loved them there was the guy who got the half million dollar deal there was ten of those guess what when the deals

went away. These guys, their fortitude broke, and they're gone. Yeah. Their fortitude broke and they're gone. It's the people who stay here and stick it out over the years. Of course. And you keep going out and you keep believing in yourself. And you know what? Something may not happen for seven, eight months.

And then one day you get the call of a lifetime. And you're in town. All these people, well, I'm going to go home for three weeks for the holiday. Go ahead. Fuck that. Fuck you. You're like, have a great trip. I'll buy your plane ticket.

Have a good trip. I'll send your car, motherfucker. Some of the best auditions I've gotten in this town have been after the September time. No, you're so right. When somebody wants to shoot something on January 8th, right? The fucking Monday after New Year's. You want to go to work? Sit here from the fucking 18th to the 31st.

But here's the crux. I mean, I shot something one year on Christmas Eve morning for the NFL network. Do you understand me? I booked it like the day. day before for the NFL network. I love the attitude you just got. Listen to me. One fucking Christmas, I was broke as fuck.

Yeah. I didn't know what I was going to get my girlfriend. And they used to have a little spot on La Sienega, across the Chinese restaurant and Vito's Pizza. In there, there was a spot where you auditioned. I went in there to audition for a god-awful Italian mob thing. Like, god-awful. What a name of an Italian mob thing?

I'm a mob thing. It was like two guys from New York that played plumbers on an island. Hot. I will never forget this. Eight dead. The dog. Broke as shit.

Yeah. Got a neon for a car. I share it with my wife. We got one apartment. We're living in a one bedroom. We were living in a studio room. Hollywood, baby. Hollywood, baby.

I go to this plane's dung, and this dude taps me on the shoulder and says, excuse me. I go to this. dumb fucking audition. I signed my fucking stupid name. It's December 18th. Yeah.

I'll never forget it. I signed my stupid name. Yeah. I got seven days to get my fucking girlfriend, a Christmas present, and send my daughter or something. Like, I was, like, fucking waiting. The only thing I had coming in was the 115 check

from the comedy store on Friday. Yeah. Hopefully I'll get a main room spot, and I can at least get dinner for Christmas Eve. Aww. And that eight, I never forget that I walked in there.

I, the movie, the movie, if we shoot, the movie's going to shoot in February. What the fuck am I doing here? December 11th. You know what I'm saying?

December 18th. I thought the movie was shooting January 1st. So I walk out of them a little bummed out. And do you notice I'm about to hit the corner? This fucking guy comes out. This little Nazi, excuse me.

Excuse me. May I talk to you, sir? I'm like, what's going on? He's like, are you union? And I go, yeah, I'm union. He goes, it's a shame. It's a shame. He had a non-union project.

He goes, I have a non-union project you're perfect for. You're like, I'll do it. And it goes to pay cash. And I go, really? And it was like $3,000. I never seen $3,000 out here. I fucking went inside. I read the roll.

They had to drive up to Valencia. They gave me a hotel overnight. Nice. I had to stop a D man's, get a half, get a little bindle of rock. Saturday in the hotel, I could fucking blast off and look out of window. So it was a two-day shoot, three G's,

buyout, non-union commercial for Switzerland. Perfect. It was a fucking... For Switzerland? Snickers commercial. Two mobsters drive up and a fucking... That was the Sopranos were hot.

That's how it always happens. Two mafia guys drive up. We drove up to Valencia. I stayed in the hotel room, shot the next day. Six o'clock at night. The sun was good. going on and it was starting to get cold.

They placed an envelope in my hand and I fucking shot home. I had breaks like that every fucking December when everybody's leaving. Everybody's going home. I remember one time I went for a show that they were going to fire Artie Lang.

That when that dude had the show, they were going to replace Raleigh. Yeah. I've sat here through years of this shit. Listen, one thing I've learned is that you wake up every morning you do the best you can do you write your goals you take care of yourself

you take care of your health and one day so I'm gonna call you and say hey man we got this audition for this fucking role I don't know it's a Kurt Cameron film or whoever the fuck go in there and knock it out of the park and next thing you know you're working on a feature film

in New York they're gonna give you 175 a day per diem and you're there for three weeks Jack you know and that's it that's it you're there while you're there you're going to think about doing spots and you're going to go what am I doing? We've talked about that. I'm here to shoot a fucking movie.

I'm not here to do 15 minute spots. I remember you telling me that when I was shooting my show because I was trying to do spots on the road when I was shooting and you're like, just do your show. Just do your show. Focus on your show. That's who's going to see you. Those are the people who bring you back.

You go on your show fucking half who butts. You're right. They're going to go, she's half fucked up. You know what I'm saying? It's true. No, I'm happy. You know, I like the whole hustling thing. I'm from the old fucking.

and hustle school. You know, when I was a kid, man, when my mom first died, I moved in with this family called the Benders. And the Benders are great.

John was great. The whole family was great. I was just a fuck up. But while I lived with them, I met two brothers. And one of them, I was tied with and the other one,

and me and him were kind of crazy and shit, and we'd snort blow. And I told him I was getting thrown out of the fucking runnies. You know, I was getting thrown out of the benders. And that's all I said to him. It's like if I tell you, you know what,

Lee's going to throw me out pretty soon. Yeah. And one day, he came to me at school and he goes, I talked to my father, you can move in with us. If he throws you out of him, he'd throw me out by that point. He goes, just move in to that. Like, who does that type of shit? You know what I'm saying?

That's really dope. So I moved in one of my living, for about a year and a half, and I robbed a jewelry store. And I went to Sarasota and hid for a couple of fucking months. And I came back, and I didn't move in with him, but we remained friends. And, I mean, tight, tight.

Like, he came to my wedding. You know, he was there when they sentenced me to prison. He wrote a letter. You know, he's just, we just stayed in touch. He was a fucking crazy man. And then in 92, I got into a little trouble and bolder. You know, I went through a divorce, and I was having a hard time. I was starting to get to calm.

I just called them up one day. I listen, man. It ain't working out for me. This is just not working out yet. I'm gonna fucking, you know. No way. You were gonna leave? So he sent me a plane ticket,

and I went to some guy who sells Xanax with the Vs in him, and I front of the thousand of them, and I took him back to Jersey, and that's how I started my life. With a thousand Xanax, I sold him. Shut up. And I had like $800, but he let me stay with him

and his pregnant wife and their kid on the floor on the couch, and he would lend them. me his Honda to go to auditions and to go to fucking different open mics. I didn't even know what I was doing. Yeah. And then they had a move, so I ended up going to cliffside, but he still stayed my brother. And we're still, we still talk every 10 days.

He's got four kids. Two of his kids come to my comedy shows, the whole fucking thing. That's amazing. Yeah, this has been a 40-year, maybe 45-year friendship. Just amazing. And a week ago, his daughter, his 18-year-old daughter, woke up on a Monday, and said she was having a hard time breathing because she had pneumonia they took up to the hospital while she's at the hospital they realized that she had some form of leukemia that her

white blood cells you were talking about my niece she had the white blood cells dropped and there was no something in the red blood cells and they kept her over there at night and did the test and it was it came back yeah she had cancer but it's not in her organs and it's not her brain. It's treatable. So it's treatable. So she lucked out. They put her in this hospital in Philly, and it's on the top three hospitals in the fucking country for that type of treatment for kids. And they tried to backtrack the insurance because she doesn't make any money. She just started her job. She just graduated high school. So crazy, isn't it? So they backtracked their insurance and it's going to cover, but they pretty much told the parents that it's going to run them a half a million fucking dollars.

No way. Even with all the programs and no fucking deal. It's four weeks in the hospital, five weeks, six weeks, and then you have to go back there every week, once a week, for treatment for like a year or two or something until they get it right. So it's expensive. So you know me, guys, I put up a link before. If you give 50 cents, it helps if you can't.

You know me, dog. There ain't no beef. Everybody's trying to fight. Everybody's trying to put two nickels together. Yeah. Just helps out. Who knows? Yeah, if everyone gave 50 cents, I'll cover it.

What's that? I said if everyone gave 50 cents, I would just about cover it. Listen, I don't get mad at nobody. I don't give a fuck about that. It makes me so sad. You can't donate to everything. No, you can't. But it's just, it's crazy that it's 2017 and we don't have like a health care system that

takes care of you. It's absolutely interesting. Listen, they do. All these hospitals, Half a million dollars. You know, listen, it's $1.5 million in the treatment. Oh. You're paying for, you know, you're just assuming.

I mean, listen. How is it $1.5 million? We were talking about the house before. I go, honey, what happens if I walk in the house and there's three feet of fucking water? She goes, well, here's the problem. We would get a check, but the first $5,000, it's a $5,000 deductible. So we would swallow that. They would pay for the furniture, but you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, yeah. But it's like insane that it's $1.5 million to treat one person's cancer. Like how does it even cost that much? How is it possible that the medication treatment to treat one girl costs a million dollars? That's insane. Listen, you sit there and you go home. You sit there and you go home, but then you think if it's your child, if it's your child, it's going to save her life. Oh, of course, you do it.

You do anything. And that's why people spend it. Yeah, of course. I would sell, I would do it. My mom. It's one of those hospitals that after you become a part of it, then when somebody else's child gets it, you pass money onto them. Yeah.

It's a retribution type thing. So it's not like you go into jail or they're going to cancer your fucking visa card or anything. Yeah, but you still have a half a million dollars worth of debt on your fucking books. It's so, it's just, it's insane to me. But they have a bunch of grants. So they're trying to do all they could. Alexa, the sister, set up a link, and I put it on Twitter or, early Sunday night

later Sunday night so if you want to give a dollar no I feel bad for my brother and I want to do something nice for him I'm going to go visit him and her on my way to Pittsburgh and spend the night over there and see them and uh yeah

hang out with them go get some Chinese food in Philadelphia or something like that or something or a cheese steak or something smoke some reefer I'll see my niece I'll see her at the hospital and mother at the house but you know when uh i first moved back from i was in fucked up shape i just got through a divorce you know i lost my fucking credit which i fucking i was crazy about my credit i made

all my payments me too me too i'm obsessed my credit you know i'm like i'm poor but i have perfect credit i fucking i didn't have rent to pay my roommate rent money i was doing blow i i i i an Asian chick broke my fucking heart. I just kicked it to the curb and stepped on and her pussy was so good. So I just left like a fucking beat-up bag back to New Jersey and he paid for

everything. And his wife was pregnant. Yeah, he's family. So he got me a deal. He'd go look, do me a favor. Stay at home with my wife, watch TV. I'm going to go out and play darts and do my thing. I'll give you a package. You give me like a half a gram.

So I had something to do at night when I was saying about that. He loved you. Oh, I loved him. That's why I got to do this. So I would sit there with his wife. I would roll a joint, go downstairs, smoke out. I come upstairs and she'd go, you're hungry? I'm hungry.

And we called a Chinese restaurant in the Seacawks, New Jersey. It was tremendous. They were open until midnight. We'd go there by 11.30, and we get egg rolls, pork fried rice. We bring them back to our house, and me and her were throwing Goodfellas. and we do that four nights a week. Yeah. She was gaining weight

because of the baby. I was gaining weight because I was eating Chinese food every night, 1130 at night. On Saturday, she would give me money to go get at this deli they had

with these stuffed fucking peppers and there was stuff with prosciutto. I mean, this deli was fucking delicious. Sounds so good. Making me hungry? For the last two or three months of her pregnancy, I was there with her.

I stayed in with her. And then the other nights, I was fucking her. I was out doing comedy. Like I was out in the city standing online in front of a fucking coffee shop

and shit. It was a fucking horror show. It was really a horror show. Look at you now. Yeah, but I almost quit those days when I would go over there. Those days were rough.

I had to go get it backstage and you used to have to go on the backstage and see where the open mics were. And I remember like going into Hamburger Harry's and yell triple Lynn. I went to some fucking

fucking creepy places. There was one place I will never forget. I went to this place and I'm like, it was across the street from Goodfellas Pizza on the upper, on the low west side on like 8th Avenue and 18th Street. Yeah. And there was something on the corner

and this bar was the second bar and they had an open mic. I still had thoughts of that in my mind. Like the things I learned in there, there was never ever more than five people in there really listening you mean audience yeah yeah never more than five people yeah the guy who ran the room was cool and there'd be so many comics there that you thought there was 60 people in there yeah it was all comics so i made it like a hangout i forget the name of the players that's cool though oh my god but i would go there and i learned so much in there like i just went down there a bum i would you walk out of there

going, what the fuck am I doing? I was talking about that last night. I was like, you know, sometimes I think it would just be fun to go up and just bomb on purpose, just for fun, just every once in a while. Like, literally last night, I was like... You have to. Yeah, just for fun. If you don't bomb 25% of the time, you're not really a comic because you're not taking chances.

You got to try and you shit. I go up there. I don't give a fuck anymore. Yeah. Yeah. The main room, I used to always trip on it for years and recently, because there's so many producers that are producing rooms in there. Yeah. I've gotten really good in the main room now, because I've gotten really good in the main room now,

because I flip it on them. It took me 10 years to learn how to work that room. Really? Bro, I bombed in there the first time. Why do you think? I'm an O-R type of guy. Yeah. I think the O-R's harder.

Now, over the years, I've learned how to adjust to the main room, especially now that those promoters do a great job. They're packed all the time. They're fucking backed in there. But for years, I go in that main room and just eat a bag of fucking dicks. No way.

I would even tell it. Don't fucking put me back there no more. And she would put me back to the follow, Don Marrera, who 15 years ago was a hammer back there. You think he's a hammer now? So fucking funny. He would take it on a psychological ride. And I would go up there trying to be dirty,

and it would just be a death kiss. It would just be horrible. You know a story? Someone told me about you recently? I have a friend. She's been doing comedy for like 14 years or something. Super funny guy. He said, this is like years ago.

He said this had to be like eight years ago or something. He was headlining a show at the old. And he said he went up and he said it was like the best study ever had. He goes, I felt like I killed so hard. Audience loved me. I was like, oh, I'm going to hang after. Everybody's going to fucking tell me how awesome I was. He said it was the best set he ever had.

And then he said, while he was on stage, you showed up. And you weren't supposed to go on. But he said you popped by and you wanted to go up. So like, yeah, you can go up after this guy. So he said, he was like, I killed the room. And then I came off. And then Joey went up. And he goes, within three minutes of watching Joey, he goes, the crowd was fucking losing their shit.

He goes, what I thought was killing the room was nothing compared to the first three minutes of Joey was on stage. He goes, he murdered so hard, I left. He goes, I left. I didn't want to see the audience after. He was like, I'm not going to ever say I killed again until I'm that funny. That was a story he told me about you the other day. And I was like, that's amazing. He goes, yeah, I watched him and was like, oh, that's the.

level that's the level I want to be out when I say I killed. Really? That happened to me with Stanhope. Really? 1996 in Seattle. I'm a feature act and shit. I'm a bad

motherfucker. I had met Stanhope before. He had just won the San Francisco comedy competition. He was hot. But there's a thousand comics that come through the great that after you watch me, you're like, ooh. Yeah.

This is garbage. I'm up down with my girlfriend. I'm excited. She just finished stripping. Her hands are sticky. You know, my whole fucking down. Hot. We're sitting there, and this kid goes up there

and just starts throwing a beating on a room. Like, I never saw nobody. Oh, Stanhope after you mean? No, I didn't go up. Oh. I went to sit and watch. Oh. He had come on, he came in with a reputation of a killer.

He was the hottest thing in Hollywood. He was a regular at the store. He was disrupting the improv. So I said, I knew him. I knew him from the broker. He stayed at my house both times when he had come through that. So I went to see, you know, I kept hearing the bottom, and somebody goes, you're talking about Doug Stanhope.

He's on fire right now. And I'm a comic, and I think that, you know, I didn't think I was great when things were happening. I was in a great direction. I was in a great comedy scene. You felt good. I had just done the festival. I came in sixth behind the black girl that's popular now.

Who's the black girl? She was on the view or something. Wanda Sykes? No. The one that was a comic from the Laugh Factory. And she told Jamie to fuck off. Anyway, it doesn't fucking matter. Oh, I think I know you're talking.

She's the comedy's really the other night. I can't remember her name. Good looking black chick, but she's half white. and she doesn't play off black. Oh, that's not what I'm thinking of. Oh, I Eisha, okay. Aeisha took fifth that year. Mm-hmm.

And I forget who took first. But I like Seattle. I was doing well. I go on a date. We jump in for the late show. And what I saw Doug Stanhope doing up there was total annihilation. Yeah. Like, I stayed and won't, like at the 25-minute mark,

I thought to myself, you know what, I'm quitting comedy. Because I'm never going to be this good. And this is what you need to be. If you're not doing what he's doing right now, you're fucking missing the boat. That was June of 96. I saw that. And I went home and I canceled the next night. I had like a gig at like a naval base or something.

No way. I called her at like one and I said, I'm sick. And I was like, that was. too much for me to even watch. Dude, it's crazy. That was too much for it. Once you get that inspired, now you know.

Yep. Like, I feel bad for your friend, but the only thing I had over him at the time was time and experience. Sure. Experience means that for fucking 15 years, I threw myself into the weirdest situations. Like, I was a fiend.

Yeah. So I would take. Nick, any gate. You got a bar room? I remember Darren Carter, me going to a bar, and Darren Carter calling me and telling me the week before, you got a knife thrown out of him there. Shut up. An audience member who didn't like him? Rick Martinez. Do you know Rick Martinez? No. This is a dude Rick Martinez. He's still around. He still lingers from time to time. Okay.

He used to book all these crazy shows. And he had one show in a room in Oceanside, California. And it was all big fat Samoans. And if you went in there and did fat jokes, they throw knives at you. And Darren told the guy to get up and do push-ups or something. And the guy threw a knife and they went on that stage. That's amazing. A knife.

Listen, guys. You sit there. going, what is the life of a comic? People don't understand. There are moments. That's it. There are moments you feel like you're on top of the world. And there are moments you're like I should give.

Like, when I did the Avian Awards, I remember, I had a really great set at the Avian Awards. And everyone warned me it was going to be terrible. So I remember coming off and being like, that was amazing. I did so well. There are so many people here. I rehearsed. Like, I felt so good. I felt like on top of the world, right?

Then I came back to L.A. And then I was hosting a show at the comedy store like two nights later or something. and Louis C.K. dropped in and he went up and then Rogan was going after him and I'm hosting and Louis C.K. is about to come off. He's got the light and Rogan's running late in the OR

and they're like Kate, just do like four or five minutes just kill time. I'm like, you want me to do five minutes between Louis C.K. and Joe Rogan? And then I had this moment of like, what the fuck am I going to do? And then I went out and I tried to do, you know, I made a joke like about having to

like every comic's worst nightmare, having to like, like due time after Louis CK. And then I tried to do like a bit, like a three minute bit. But it was like so fucking terrible. I mean, so bad. The laughs I was getting compared to the laughs he was getting. And in my head, I remember just being like, this is the last time that we're going to go on stage here.

Like that's literally what I was thinking. Why is you up there you're thinking that? Like I bombed really bad at the improv in between Stanhope and Nick DePaolo. Yeah. I saw it wasn't that I bombed so bad. I bombed twice at the improv. I bombed at the Black Show one night where you could hear crickets. Really?

Have you ever been in a club where you actually could hear crickets? Because that happened to me once. I actually could hear crickets backstage. I bombed at the improv about 18 months later on a Thursday night packed house. And there was some fucking hitters on that. Yeah. And I got sandwich in the middle. middle and I went up there and I think I bailed at the end but it was a horrendous set and I swear to

God this is exactly what I did you ready yeah I went to the comedy store I did my spot I did mediocre on purpose because I had already made my decision what was that I had already made my decision what was your decision I went I bought a 220s from the guy I went home I got a notebook I I did Coke all night. And that morning at 6 in the morning, I fucking sent the fax to the guy with the missing year that books the Pacific Northwest. And I told him to give me all the work he had, though.

And he gave him, just give me headline work. Dude, I get it. And I fucking did. I mean, I disappeared. Yeah. I left in November. Like, I was so ashamed. I did the remaining spots.

I had that week and I just went underground. I was so embarrassed. I got in a fucking car. First, I started to tour in New York. I went to New York around my family. I did all the rascals. Those are 500 hours. No way.

There are no money weeks. You left. I did all that shit rascals, Boston. I did all that during the holidays. And then I came back here, got different clothes. No way. Went to Texas. Did a week in Texas with somebody.

and then me and a girl got in a car and drove all away from Houston to Oregon and we did five weeks up in the Pacific Northwest without coming home. Damn. And then from there we came through LA, changed clothes,

and went right back to El Paso. We went to all those fucking places all over again. When I came back from those nine months, a different comic. I was a different comic. Yeah. It was a different comic.

Even five weeks? But then I had to retrain myself in the LA different county because now you're rough from the road. You just got out of prison. You're tough than nails. You've done push-ups every day. You learned how to write.

You've been focused. You've been disciplined. But now, that joke of a bit Tescaloosa is not going to work in L.A. People are going to call you a hack. And you're also doing like an hour on the road and you're doing 12 minutes here. Now you're doing 12.

So now you've got to get your act to be sharpened for Los Angeles. And that's a complete different fucking story. And that's what people don't understand. It is crazy, though, too, here because people don't realize you can be so young in comedy and have to follow Ron White. Like, I mean, you just never know who's going to pop in. Even on a bringer show, even on a show at the comedy store, like, you shouldn't even be on yet. I had to follow Ron White at the improv one night.

And it was, I mean, he's so hard to follow. He's so fucking funny. But no, you can't look at, okay. There's two ways to follow fucking funny people. There's the way that you walk up there defeated. No. Or there's the way that you walk up there, like he's just another comic. For years, I followed the heat at the store.

And for years, I ate a bag of dicks, and I'll tell you why. Because on the way up, I lost mentally. It was in your head. And when I touched the stage, I said it out loud. I would say it. Like, give him another runner-blanc. He's a legend. He's a fucking savage.

And then I would defeat myself by saying, how am I going to follow that? And right there, it's over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just killed yourself. You just shot yourself in the foot. That's true. Now, like, you have to follow energy with energy. That's why right now they're not scared of Irma no more.

They're scared of Jose. Yep. Because energy follows energy. So if you go up in front, like, I tell you who's really good at following people. Allie Wong. Oh, yeah. She's great. She's great.

She's great. follow Delea or Ron White. Not because she's great. Because she changes the tempo. Of the room. Of the room. I was going to say, though, don't you think it's something about, because I feel like for me it's like, and I mean, everyone says this, but it's like when you find your voice.

But because really now, like, I'm going to be me no matter. Like, I used to, the first club that ever paid me in L.A. was the J-Spot. Have you ever been there? Not about the airport? Yes. No. It is so black. Oh, I know.

It is the fucking... Is it still open? I haven't been there in like probably two years. So I think it is, though. I saw billboards when you come back from the airport. I think it is. I think it is to be. But like, they were paying me before I ever should have gotten paid.

This was like seven, eight years ago. They would pay me to come on the weekends. I think that they just wanted a cute white girl. I would be the only white person there, comic or crowd, right? And that room is so black. I mean, the guys are wearing pimpsuits and canes. I mean, it's just so urban. I would go up and fucking bomb so bad

because I would try to play to them instead of just being myself. Instead of just doing the same shit I would do anywhere else, I would try to like match the energy of all the other comics. And when I finally stopped doing that, I started having good sets there. But I think that's what it is.

I think it's like there's some moment where you finally go, this is my shit, this is my voice, this is, I'm going to be me no matter of life. I started a black club. I started a club, club, club, Mix. And on Sunday

night's Mix. Where's that? It used to, the DJ Kwami booked it on Sunday nights for comics.

And that's how I met Senator the entertainer. That was here in L.A.? Denver. Oh. East Kofax Boulevard.

It was called Club Mix. And the guy his name was Kwame. And Kwaime's claim was that he was out here in

L.A. for a while doing spots at the motherfucking store. Amazing. So if you've go by the store, tell him Quarmay sent you. So when I came out here, I'm like, Quamee sent me, and they're like, go fuck yourself.

Like, who the fuck is Quamette? Quamet was very good for me. On Sunday nights, he would take me out to this place. And I was doing comedy for two years. I was confused. I didn't know who the fuck I was on stage, and I would go out there and I would come out with music. I did something that none of the other white dudes did.

I went there, and I watched the white dudes come out straight, and they would eat a bag of dicks. I would come out to a black funky music and come out dance. I knew it. And then I take the microphone and run with it from there and whatever happened would happen. You dancing is funny. I would call three black chicks TLC.

I would call this one the James Brown's uncle. And you get through the 10 minutes set. That I suck? Absolutely. But it didn't matter. I was learning black audiences. Yeah. Once you start bomb, like I bombed in front of black audiences

and I quit. Excuse me. And then I figured out how to go back and do well. Now, guess what? I'm going to be as honest I can with you. I do not want to do a 3,000 seat

tour with a black comic. I would bomb. But if you have a 200 seat, one-night or something that you want me to do, and, you know, it's a couple black dudes that either I know, I don't know, I don't give a fuck, I'll do it. Yeah.

It's the big ones where I'll bomb. They go into my mental state. And I bomb. But it taught me a lot, doing comedy, selling your soul for comedy, like what you were doing and what I was doing. When I got here, Latino comedy was going to be the next big thing. Everybody white all of a sudden became Latino. Kate Quigley was half Cuban, her uncle on the mother's side.

I feel like that still happens. It was still, everybody was fucking in Spanish. Yeah. So it was a big explosion, you know what I'm saying? So you would write comedy for that genre. Yeah. And that genre, by doing that, and that genre, you would do good on those nights,

but then you would take that act for the comedy store and you'd suck a bag of dicks with it because it wasn't trans. It wasn't climbing over. You know what I'm saying? I feel actually now, like I recently did a really like an all-black kind of theater show and I feel like now I do well at it

but because I can relate to black women because I'm insane. And I like go crazy on guys and so do black girls and Latin girls. So I feel like I have. understand that energy of like I will beat your fucking ass, which I feel like a lot of black women. Like black women don't put up with shit. I feel like my inner black woman comes out.

I love black women though. Well, that's good to know. When I go lesbian, my wife, which I'm very close to, will be a black woman. Well, I'm happy. I'm happy. Thank you. I want Luther King marched all those years. So that I can marry a black girl.

I can marry a black girl this weekend. Kate and I will be at the Cherokee Casino and Siloam Springs, Oklahoma. It's a Saturday night show. It fucking sold out last time within fucking, you know, so I'm telling you right now, don't fuck around. It's going to be tremendous.

We're getting on Saturday. We're doing the show and we get out of the Timpep too. Nobody fucking bothers you. And that's it. It's going to be a great week. And I'm happy you came on. Kate, what other things you have? Oh, you know, actually, I got a bunch of stuff. coming up you can just go on my social media at kuk funny but a big one i'm excited about me and redband

are going to go do indianapolis and columbus in november and then i think we're trying to set up the new york comedy fest that weekend that's november 8th so columbus funny bone on the 9th and indianapolis on the 8th what club of indy do you know marty's okay yeah morties morties moordies comedy club morties it'll be fun what's up with you leh everything all right we took you push you to the limits tonight look at the shape of you i'm doing good Every time I look at him, he's falling his sleep. Oh, yeah, me too. He's making noises.

He finally watched Narcos. Narcos was great. Did you enjoy it, my brother? I really don't want to get... I'm not going to get near a motorcycle anytime soon. Let me ask you this. Did you enjoy reading the fucking subtitles? No.

I thought about you when I was watching. I'm like, this is fucked up. And you got to read subtitles and stuff. Yeah, no, it sucks. I mean, but that shows how interesting it is for me. I'll read it. But it does. Like, I have to, like, pause for, like, five minutes after each episode.

Okay, good. That's good to know. There's a lot of reading. You guys are a lot of knowledge. Let's see you want. I want to learn Spanish. He says, no, don't learn Spanish. Who?

You? Why not? Why not? I don't know. I always tell you to learn Spanish. If you don't know Spanish, you have fucking retarded. You got to oblo a little bit in this fucking world. I ablo a little bit.

Yeah, you know a little bit. But take one of, they, they're promoting a new app. and you can learn a language on your phone. And I saw like a news thing about it and then I saw an ad for it like 10 days later. So there's a new app. So you can learn Spanish at home, 10 minutes a day. 10 minute classes a day.

Very cool. That's it. You stick with it within a year, your Pavarotti's nephew. You'll be singing songs in Spanish capos. Poverati's nephew. Whatever the fuck. I don't know.

Is the Italian? I don't know what the fuck Poverati. Bob, we used to call this girl in Hollywood and Pavarotti. When we lived in this building, there was this hot chick that was like a milf type. Uh-huh. And she's still stripping time to time.

You can tell she had a little wang to her. Real hot-looking mom, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. She'd get a little coked up and shit. But she had a daughter that was chubby as shit. And she had eyebrows like Pavarotti, the Italian. Oh, shit. You know what Pavarotti is?

Yeah. Well, she had his eyebrows. Hot. We were hot. We were high as far. I'm just sure she loves seeing. you guys. What a great compliment for a woman.

You have Pavarotti's eyebrows. We used to call her Pavarotti, and she would go, why do you guys call me Pavarotti? I wonder why. And they're like, because there's a girl that we used to know. That was her name,

and you kind of look like it. She was pretty hot. So for years, we called her Parvari. Me and my friends would, how? That's horrible. Poverati. I wonder what guys. Guys could probably call me some awful shit.

Fuck it. Who cares? Whatever, they can't talk that shit around me. I like you. I love you too. That's why I like you. Lee, everything good over there. You're going to have a good week? Yeah. It's a whole new fucking week this week, cock suckers. It's Monday. All right. Listen, I know, I know. I know the fucking it's raining out and there's floods and Houston's recovering. But this is America, cocksuckers. It's going to be a tremendous week. This shit ain't going to do nothing. The fucking thing destroyed Cuba,

it's already a category two by the time it hits fucking Tampa. So we're going to be fine. You left with your life. You're in an auditorium right now with a bunch of stinky fucking rednecks rubbing their feet but at least you're fucking safe What would you rather do? Be at your house that's fucking flooded

They showed pictures of downtown Miami And Brickle It's fucked up down there It's crazy It's fucking crazy Have they checked on the guys Who were staying on the boats? I don't know

I know that they already You know And this is what bothers me about that shit that there's always somebody who thinks they're fucking cute. I've done a lot of bad things, but they were already looting. Oh, no. You just see

the fucking black dudes that broke and like the sneaker store. And it was like 10 of them were looting. Everything? Luding already in Fort Lauderdale. Sucks. Crazy. But that's I listen. Every time, remember, people see a hurricane as a scam time.

True. Criminals. Look at them. What happened? I had Katrina, who went to jail. the mayor. For what? Corruption. He stole the fucking money. You know, everybody gives money. You don't know where it goes.

If everybody gives 10 fucking dollars, where the fuck you know where it goes. It goes to the Red Cross. The Red Cross flies you down there first class. You know, so what are you talking about? You follow him saying to you? It's kind of like kind of weird. You're right.

So what do we care? We're trying to put the pieces together ourselves. I don't know what you're doing with your life, but let me tell you something, all right? Every time I get in a lift car, I want to go to the airport. and when I'm in a strange fucking down, I always feel great.

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They give you a house that's huge. They give you enough money to buy like Scarface's house. And you look at it, you know what? Wow, I got a million or two to buy a house. Aren't they nice? Fuck no. Fuck no. You're making a mistake if you do go with them.

This is why I come to you with one company and one company only. Lending tree. Did you know that depending on where you get your mortgage, you could save $20,000 or more? No, you didn't. But 80% of people only get one mortgage offer like we did. And if you just go to your bank, chances are you'll get ripped off, okay?

And I'm telling you this from a personal experience. You don't want to do that. Lending tree doesn't want that to happen. Here's the thing. The average lending tree customer can save, $20,000 of their life of their loan and that's just the average. Half of their customers could save even more. Whether you're looking for a new mortgage, refinance, or a home equity loan, lending tree is the only place where you're going to get five real offers from

America's top lenders and they can compare side by side for free. And guess what? It only takes three minutes. It's like shopping for a flight online. Only you're shopping for the best mortgage available to you. Rates always go up and down, but regardless of what's happening with the rates, you can always get the right offer for you with Lendingtree.com. What I'm going to do is this because I love you the debt and I want you to have the best deal. Find out how much you can save today at Lendingtree.com slash church. Again, that's Lendingtree.com slash church. Listen to me. I'm going to save you some money. You're going to hit me up in a few days and go, Joey, you're a genius.

Lendingtree.com slash Joey. Lendingtree, LLC, NMLS, 1136, terms and conditions apply, all right? Listen, I'm hooking you up. It's either Lyft or Lending Tree. Who's better than your uncle Joey? Nobody. I want to thank the most beautiful girl in the world, Kate Quigley. Oh, I love you.

My little fucking Christ-killer nephew over there, Lee Syatt. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers. And don't forget, I'll see you this weekend. Cherokee Casino over there in Silam Springs. Are you kidding me or what? And then in two weeks, I'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. See you in two days.