The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #516 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: September 13, 2017

Ari Shaffir, Comedian whose double special, "Double Negative" is availble on Netflix NOW, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  My Bookie - Join now and MYBookie will match your deposit with up to a 100% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000. www.mybookie.ag   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for 10% a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 09/12/2017.


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You play, you win, you get paid. If you get a home underdog by more than seven points, seven and a half or more, at home, that's the luck. You'll win four out of five times on that. That's what they totally hit the fucking music. All right.

Fucking home underdog. Oh shit. It's Wednesday, cock suckers. The 13th of September. Play the guitar. I remember this video. Crank this motherfucker up, dog. Oh, they were so hot.

Oh, shit. It's Joey Diaz with the two wise men. The other one got shot. Dude, this guy's so cool. Oh, shit. Here we go, cocksucker. Robert Palmer's so fucking cool. Go, Lee.

Here's Digo Wiggle, Cockseller. 20 to life, no parole. The church of what's happened now with two of my favorite people in the world, Mr. Ari Shafia and Mr. Lee Syatt. What the fuck were you talking about luck? Sleepaway camp when that song came out. Jerking off, finding quiet moments

when everyone else is out of archery to fucking whip out a jerk off to one of those. 75? 74. 74, she was 11? Maybe. What year was it? 85, 86.

Yeah, 11. Okay, yeah. And then just fucking. You were bina it out, so hot, so hot. Filty little cucket up at summer camp coming on people's heads and shit. It was hot. And a lot of kids didn't know what you were doing at 11. I wasn't whacking off at that age.

I'm scratching it. But people were talking about sex and shit, and I don't know what the fuck. You tried to make believe like you know what they were saying. You giggle along. But you didn't know what the fuck what they were saying. You know what I'm saying? Like, you giggle. Ah.

They sucked their pussy. And then you had to go home and find out what pussy was and shit. as somebody fucking older than you What's going on, Lisa? You look a little disturbed. No, my camp counselor was the first time

I saw like an actual porn magazine. From him? Yeah, and he had had a whole locker in the cabin with it and I took literally one page home It had four signs. I took one page home

And hit under the mattress And my mom found it And I was, Oh. What was on it? Tits. Did you get used out of it? Yeah, fuck yeah.

It was a, I remember. It was like a, It was like a blonde girl But pretending to be a farmer. Oh, yeah. She had like, Paketails. And she had,

like the red shirt, the red, what's it called, the flannel shirt. The ties up? Yeah. But it was just her pussy out, though? Oh, well, well, not at first. Okay. She wasn't a whore. But eventually it gets to that in the spread.

Yeah, eventually. And then later on the spread, she showed it to you. But yeah, that was it. I don't even think it had sex on it. How many times you jerk off the same picture? The first year of jerking off. Yeah. When you came, your whole body went through changes.

Oh, my God. You get hungry and shit. I used to sleep. I had, like, a really soft blanket. Like before I even knew what porn was for a little while, I would just like bunch up a blanket and just like rotate on top of it. Yeah. Like gyrate.

Yeah, exactly. Just shift around. Would you blow a load in your little pants? Nothing would even come out. The rain was just hot air there. Yeah, yeah, nothing would come out, but it was excited. Hot air comes were great. It was just a little, it was like a pellet gun without the pellets.

It just goes, it makes those noises like a silencer. Oh, oh, ah, no. What the fuck? For people who don't know at home, especially women, We're fucking discovered, and maybe women go crazy to it. When we discover masturbation, about 13, we discovered early. But there comes a point where we just get fucking addicted to it. You get hard on sitting in class, looking at a chick,

and you got to do like a semi-jerk off in the class. That guy never won the way. You can just cup your dick. And you're in your little. Fuck, no. I stopped when I was like in the eighth grade. What a waist? We're in underwear.

What a waist? What do you mean? What did the gyps go? I didn't like it. What about your last drips? They were going to the jeans, and the jeans smelled like a fucking gully goat. Oh, no.

There was some as I'd take off my pants, and my pants smelled so fucking bad. I remember going on an ACDC concert. In fact, yesterday I'm sitting at the fucking coffee shop writing, and this kid walks in, and I can't see without my glasses, and he walks to the counter, and I look at his shirt,

and this is back in black, 1980 tour, and on the back at all the cities. And the kid I was sitting with that, I go, yo, hey, can you do me a favor? Come here for a second. I go to my friend, July 31st, Spectrum, Philadelphia, August 1st, New York City, Paladium. I go, look at this shirt.

He goes, you're fucking dead on. I go, I went to that fucking concert at the Palladium. That was... Back in Black Tour, ACDC? The second night of the tour. Who opened? Def Leopard. Wow.

Def Leopard with the High and Bride Tour. Unbelievable. Right there at the Palladium. I heard that it's dorms now at NYU. No way. They made it into dorms for NYU. The Palladium was like fucking an institution. Yeah.

In the 50s and 60s, that's where all the Jewish men went on the weekends to hit on the Puerto Rican chicks. If you looked at anything from the Palladium or what's the place that... Where is it Palladium? The Palladium was on downtown somewhere. You want to look at the old Palladium. But you know where else Jews hung out of that? Remember the place where... Henry Hill takes the chick.

Yeah. The Spanish club on the Wuppah West Side. Oh, yeah. That was another big. They come in from Long Island, the Jews, and pick up on the Puerto Rican chicks and cheat on their wives and shit.

And eat pork jobs and shit. What happens in Manhattan? It stays in my head. East 14th between Irving Place and third. Oh, that's right by me. Yeah, that's where it was. Wait, that's where Webster Hall is then. Is that Webster Hall?

Right around there. No, East 14th. No, no, no. That plays the Palladium. I saw Judas Priest. Yeah, that is dorms now. I saw Ozzy Osbourne there. I saw James Brown there.

I saw You 2 there. I think I saw Nazareth there. Wow. I saw a bunch of fucking bands in there as a kid. Then they turned into Club MTV. Club MTV was a dance show on MTV that came on at 3 o'clock, a bunch of fucking kids from the city. It was like Soul Train, but not the black people.

Just a bunch of little white kids from the fucking over west side. dancing and doing the fucking robot and whatnot it was crazy that was a hot little part of town man remember years ago like in the 80s early 80s and you know all those places where you guys live at now you know just dumps that's where you want to get everyone you know but the hot clubs would open up there because nobody would think of going down there you know so all the hot clubs i went to this club down there one time on the low east side but a few blocks you're blocks away they had Italian-style Chinese food what they have Italian too this was done this is 84 this is a restaurant I don't know the name is popular at the time and I went there that place

always had like cool little spots since I was a kid you know the Lancy Street do you know what that is now the Lancy Street yeah yeah how close are you to it like I walked there is it still very Yiddish very Hasidic Jewish oh Delancey I feel like it's almost Chinatownish yeah they changed it all up when I was a kid the Lancy Street was It was all... No, that's not really that Yiddish. Maybe it's something... It was all fucking Hasidic Jews.

Really? So if you wanted to get sneakers, like good sneakers, a good deal? Yeah? Like, nobody else negotiated with you on Congress. But the Lancy Street, they negotiated with you. But the... You could give them not the actual store price. Yeah, you could go in and go, how about $2.50?

And they go, fuck you, 24. Everybody got... Come on, 23. But they had a rule that if you were the first customer of the day, they had to do business with you. Oh, really? It was always our goal. We should always our goal.

With Jewish superstition? Yeah, like, yeah. I said the Jewish superstition. Chinese have the same thing. If you walk in there first as a customer, they have to do business with you. It just sets the tone for the rest of the day. So I would go in there and get a, like, in those days I would buy, how much would you lowball them?

I'd be like $5. What happened was when the limousines for the feet came out, they were like a fucking, they were like a movie theater. They were like a ticket. No, you couldn't get them anymore. So Jersey ran out of them So me and my friends were hip to this Yeah

So we go to Delancey Street Knock off $2, Takana Finn And hey When you're in the eighth $7. $7 is $7. Huge

$7 was a pair Of Coach Cons Conns Coach Cons were the ones That weren't Convers Not Chuck Taylor's They're the ones If your mother

Didn't have the $4 Because Chuck Taylor's Were always $799 No Chuck Taylor's $799? Chuck Taylor's $1199 They're like 35 now

Easy 35 Sometimes 45. And if you want the good souls. When I came from Cuba, 65. Chuck Taylor's would 1095 and Coach Conns. What are Coach Conns? Coach Cons were the ones underneath them.

Less than Chuck Taylor's? Less than Chuck Taylor. What are Coach Con? And they had stars on the bottom of your sneaker. Underneath. So instead of tread, they had stars. Yeah. So you had Coach Cons.

You have PF Flyers and you had Keds. And you had Keds. Keds was the big fucking shoe. But Congress was a big. beating the fuck out of them. Chuck Taylor was fucking people up for a year. They had that song. Yeah. Chuck Taylor's were fucking people up for years. There was nothing like a pair of white Chuck Taylor's. And people now would complain about Chuck Taylor's because they would say that there's not enough support. Yeah, I have white feet. I can never have Chuck Taylor's.

They grew up in Chuck Taylor's. They got the better ones now with the better souls. They toughened you up. But you can order them online and make them however you want. Whatever cover. Conversels. Yeah. Chuck Taylor's originals. Those aren't even owned by Commerce anymore. I think Reebok owns it. And I didn't think Nike had them before and people eventually just sell it off and someone else like, I'll buy it from you because it's always going to make some money because everyone wants some fucking chucks.

Turn on Julia serving limousines for the feet. So then everybody had Chuck. The pro-Keds commercial. Everybody had Chuck Taylor's. Yeah. Everybody had Chuck Taylor's just shit. There was a basketball in high school in games. And then when fucking Julia serving

went over to the Sixers, the Congress paid them, you know, the Sixers gave him $6 million. But Congress gave him like another three and they devised the shoe around. He was the first guy that had the shoe around. So this was the first shoe that came from that. These shoes were sold out.

The kink to these shoes were when you bought them, you opened up the box real quick because there was a pass in there for what? Those things move now? They give these little like... Yeah, yeah, right there. That's crazy. 1981 shoe commercial, see if that's it.

Videos aren't available. No, that's a problem. That's good. It's good. All-Star basketball shoes. You're the greatest. That's no jive. Your standard equipment on the B Street 5. As I fly through the air doing my famous slam dunk,

I'm flying first class, and that ain't no buck. My shoes will be wearing the Converse name, today bronze mile feet for the Hall of Fame. Converse All-Stars, limousines for the feet. How's that for you? Oh, my gosh. How's that for you? Oh, those background guys are hilarious.

Look at those now. The overreacting. Convers history part one. Ooh, Dr. Jay and Bird. Yeah. Click it. Oh, you want to watch that one? Yeah, watch this.

See, that's when all that shit's done. I had those weapons, those worthy weapons. I had those. They cut up your feet, though, but yeah, those. Right there. Weapons. But I had those way, but I had those when they were. Those were the ones.

Oh. Conversely, the cue from my childhood, you know, all the way through. Oh, I remember that's real. Oh, shit. Associated since 1974, better than 30 years, and it's been happy, happy experience. Look at that shit. Every time I step out before, it's important that I go out there and I represent, you know, the history of Converse. In 1908, Markey Converse Bounderceau Company in Malden, Massachusetts.

Look at this shit. What? Everything in Boston. Moving to satisfy a growing need in the U.S. for basketball shoes. Those boots. star in 1917. Shortly thereafter, a young man approached the company with some fresh new ideas, and history would soon be made. Chuck Taylor joined the company in 1921, and he walked into a sales office in Chicago with really a set of ideas on how he thought that shoe could perform better.

One of them was the famous patch, which is on the inside ankle of the shoe. He wanted to protect players' ankles. So that actually used to be a sewn-on-leather patch. Well, Marquis Converse, the founder of the company, was so impressed with what he'd done to improve the product, that he put Chuck's name on the product in 1923. From that day on, Chuck sort of became the ambassador of basketball in America. He's kind of a Johnny Apple seed of basketball. Other shoes by other companies existed on the market. The All-Star was a true phenomenon.

Outfitting teams from coast to coast, the Chuck Taylor All-Star was the shoe for decades. Although in retrospect, they may not have been the most comfortable for the newly developing fast-break style of basketball. We have to remember that all the shoes that are... The fucking Bob Coosie, that bad motherfucker. Black canvas tightos. Now that I look back on it, since they were the only option we had, hey, that's what we wore. So the leader in basketball shoe sales, the Chuck Taylor was joined in popularity by the Jack Purcell model, first produced for tennis and badminton in the 1930s.

They brought that back. Mamedon champion of the era. The Jack Purcell brand soon became... Oh, my God. These are the kind of sport stars they had before they had into... The badminton hero? Yeah. The brand received a big lift when photos of James Dean

relaxing in the low-cut canvas shoe were released, with Dean looking slightly cooler in Jack Purcells than in his high school Chuck Taylor All-Stars. Back on the hardwood, Converse continued to dominate the basketball landscape. Chuck Taylor spread the Converse word through countless basketball... All-white. All-white.

Not Benargan. Bill Russell. No, I mean the one that's showing back then. Oh, yeah, you couldn't put fucking... Chuck Taylor was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame. Hell yeah, Chuck Taylor. The same induction class as Red Hourback. Well deserved.

A score of the hall finds dozens of examples of converse influence throughout the history of the sport, from college, the NBA, and even overseas. All the greats were wearing them. Everybody from Bob Coozy, of course, Bill Russell got all his rings wearing him, and everybody wore that shoe. If it wasn't official, it was something. Habletcheck. With the introduction of leather basketball shoes in the late 60s,

the Chuck Taylor All-Star slowly traded in the athletic realm. But he wore Puma's. He switched over to Puma. Clyde. The fashion staple of the counterculture. Because Kla was a Puma. Puma developed the client. And Comberses' reach expanded beyond basketball.

They also had success in the sports of tennis. All right. I kill this dog. Football. Yeah, I didn't know Com has been around that fucking long. That's a long time. Chuck Taylor,

I never really did it. Julius took it to the next fucking level with the limousines for the feet. That's what those were. Those were leather shoes. And then they started adding the color to it and the fucking glitter. But besides that,

they're the original limousines for the feet. I love how they thought a patch would protect people's ankles. Did you see that, Doug? No. Oh, my God. Look at those legs. Look how long those fucking legs are on the stripes.

Watch, I'm going to show the commercial. You're going to die. Look at that. I'm going to show me no commercial. It's a seven-minute video. The fuck. Look at this. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, fucking hell. Jesus Christ. Right in his face. Look at that was Billy Poles. Unnecessary. Yeah, he did that to a bunch of people. It's an intentional disrespect there. And then, fuck you with one eye.

And then Michael Jordan took it from there. You could turn. this off now. No, Julius Herving would do some nasty fucking things to you. When we're on the Rogan podcast a couple weeks ago, I told him to put on Julius Irving's top ten dunks.

Dude, that behind the backboard, that had to be in there, even though it wasn't a dunk. Going around behind the back, and reaching back in and flipping back up. I was against the Lakers. Wow. He was a Laker killer back in the days. Put that one on. If you watch, it was just crazy. The top ten dunks by Julius Serving. There was a dunk

on here that nobody ever talks about that I think it's one of the greatest dunks of all time. What? And I saw it live. What? He, in the Portland, against the Portland Trail Bays is the finals when they lost that in six games. In game six, they were losing like by 11, and

they were kind of iffy, iffy, and Julius Irving wanted to make a statement. And he took the ball, and he drove it, and he slammed it in Bill Wharton's face. Like, Bill Wharton was the big thing then. He just slammed, and I'll show it to you, that you see Bill Walton calling for an offensive foul.

Okay, put the music right. Man, I can't believe that. Okay, that's... He's never seen it behind the back. Watch this one? That's the one you're talking about. No, that's not the one I'm talking about. Look at this one.

This one's beautiful. Boom, first step. Corriem. Call me the ball. Get the fuck out there. He had that first step, man. No. Oh, shit.

Wow. Wow. That's Detroit. It was not going to let him score. Ever. Lakers, again, always killed the Lakers. Look at him. God, he jumped high.

Julius Irving. Look at that move behind the back. Yeah, you're right, the first step he'd take by his first step. He went around the back to Tarn to that guy's face. And then dunk. I love that guy. That's against fucking. When he palms that basketball, there's no getting it out of his hand. Jesus, that's against the Phoenix Suns.

And that was one. Walter Davis and the Coke heads. Look at those two giants next to him. Look at the right-to-off. You have to beat a slam that way. What? Here we go. Here we go against the point.

Watch Bill Wharton. One, two, three. Bam! Look at Bill Wharton, call for the offensive. Watch. Bill Wharton comes up. Look at him. Watch.

Watch, look at him. Call him for the offensive. Oh, what a fucking punk. And this is another one against... You're ready to jump into him. Look at this one. That's in the same game, too. Look at it.

Oh. That's against Bobby Gross. No, he didn't fuck around, dog. Look at this one. I had this game getting one point at all. And I was at the game. He windmills in his face. Were you really?

I was at that game. I was getting a point at home. Look at this. That's when you knew they were going to win it that year. Look up Dr. Jay around the backboard. Wow. Yeah, he was exposed in that first step. He was just shake you and go right down.

He would hold that ball and is right here. or his left hip depending on where he was standing and he would take that first step and juke you and then bring it back once he got a hold of him he would just palm it and why you were going back with him he would take off he had it perfectly time it's 89 84 there you go what the f fow is they going to play at super slow motion I guess is that what they're doing right now look at one hand are you doing that or are they doing it they're doing that Oh. Look at this. Who's that in the middle?

Jabbar. There's. He goes up, but he's behind the backport by a long way. Yes. And then down. He's going to hit it. He ducks his head. And now he's going backwards.

Yes. Yes. This is brilliant. And he just reaches out. This is brilliant. You said a white dude over there with a 60 shirt on? Yeah. 24 Bobby Jones.

That guy was a fucking defensive savage. Wow. That's crazy. Look, and he was white. And he was jumping on. Five point game. And he was jumping over Kareem, that dude, Bobby Jones. It was a white dude that was a fucking tremendous fucking defensive player.

Okay, here's the best duck I ever remember being at. I don't know who'd be there. Dr. Jay, I'm sorry. Jerry Stackhouse, University of Maryland. Against two. Throwing down University of Maryland. And he caught an alley-you past it. And everybody was like, oh, that's just a bad pass.

And then he just went up so high to get it and threw it down so hard. If it's like I remember it. One of the best dunks I ever seen besides Julia Serving was Michael Jordan in college against like Wake Forest on the Saturday afternoon. Yeah? When he called the clear one

and he just went down and fucking annihilated that guard. I love dunks. I fucking love them. They're great. They make everybody go crazy. They're 100 percentage percentage... Why are they hacky?

Dunks? Yeah. No, they're not hockey. Was it 95 maybe, Ari? for Jerry Sackos? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It very well might have been. Is it just one dunk?

No, not the whole game. No, I know. It's an hour and a half. I keep there in music. Yeah, someone's playing a recorder or something. Jerry, I know, it's crazy. Wait, put dunk on that too in the search. It's like something with an organ or something like that.

Like a fucking tutor or whatever they thought. Yeah, someone's playing the recorder. It sounds like a freaking immigrant dunk. I mean, music. Yeah, I think we'd have to find the whole game. Okay. Go down some. Go down some.

Let me just see. Oh, that's YouTube. Damn it. All right. I don't know where it is. I'd love to see it again, though. That's like, even for someone who could never play back, I don't even know the rules of basketball as a kid. The dunks were the best part.

The best part. They would show time more back then, too. They would go for it. They'd give the fans a little something. Right? They wouldn't just go in and just, dunk it. They were like, hey, I'm going to fucking windmill here. It wasn't called showboating. It was fucking showboating. People enjoyed it. Like, yeah, showboat. We're all fucking fans.

Do a crazy dunk. What happened was. And then they just start having respect. The NBA and the ABA were opposite scenes. And then all of a sudden, the ABA went into like this dunk mode. Yeah. They had George Gervyn and Julia Serving and Marvin Bad News Barnes. They went into this fucking other type of promote. Entertainment. And the NBA ticket sales started going down.

Like this is a whole story. The ABA ticket sales started going down? No, MBA ticket sales started going down. The NBA ticket sales were always bad

in different cities and shit. But they were talking about how at one point with the NBA it got so chuck and jive as they want to call. They got too black. Yeah.

You know, let's be honest what the word was. It got too black and white sale. That's when you watch that bird against Celtics. Remember a couple weeks ago they had that series.

Celtics against the Lakers on ESPN. It was a whole week-long thing. That's why Larry Bird was so important. Because the league was, the sales were low, white people weren't going to games. So that's why Larry Bird meant, it was so much. You know, you guys were really young when Larry Bird came on the scene.

It was like Bruce Lee. It was like Bruce Lee guys. And you cheered for this fucking ugly-looking white dude. They wouldn't. They were 9 and 0. Indiana State was 9 and 0. And I don't know what they are. I don't know if they're Division 2 or 3,

but they wouldn't get on TV. And everybody kept talking about this white dude, dirty points a game averaging 33 points a game or 31 college lead. Nation and scoring, their team is 9 and 0. They wouldn't fucking show Indiana State. And finally, by the 11th game, they showed Indiana State.

And Larry Bird put on a clinic in front of the country. And that was it after that. Every Sunday, we don't give a fuck of UCLA's playing in USC. ACC gang. You know, the ACC's a popular fucking Maryland, North Carolina. That's gone. Maryland's gone. Yeah, that's always been my favorite, one of my favorite.

That in the Big East. Yeah, those two of the great ones. For college basketball? Yeah, for sure. For sure. They were, it was just a fucking, so when Bird came up, it was such a big deal because he was going to put asses and seats again. You know, he went away from the dunk.

He was popping 30 fucking footers. So, he went back to the game. So that's why it was so important. And then they developed a rivalry with Larry Brown with Magic Johnson. Did you guys watch Reggie Miller play? I love three-pointers, but everyone who shoots him from whenever I'm watching seems to miss like seven, like seven out of ten. So it gets annoying because they keep missing him. But Reggie Miller, he's the best.

Look at his lifetime stats. He was fire. He would, if he got an inch, he was the Steph Curry. there was a game against a Knicks where he hit a three, the game was over. Then he hit a three, stole the inbound pass, I think went for two, and then the next inbound pass he like stole again and just backed up and hit a three. It was like eight points in 15 seconds, and then just the game just changed. It was over.

It was done the other way. Look up that. You remember that? And Reggie Miller was the only thing keeping the Knicks out of the playoffs. The playoffs. Yeah, he was a neck killer. And fucking Spike Lee used to Spike Lee's face. It's doing the Spike Lee's face. We chokes now, motherfucker.

And Spike Lee used to say shit to him. He used to say shit back. Three point field goal percentage. 40%. 39.5%. Yeah, Spike Lee would jump back in his face. You know who I am. You know what I could do to you?

That was this guy when I was coming up. That was 16 seconds. Maybe you remember him. Lee, see if there's a video for this cat name. Lloyd Free. Just put Lloyd Free. When I was a kid, Lloyd Free, I thought Lloyd Free was going to be the best player in the league.

Lloyd Free. Okay. Right there. World Be Free? Yeah. Then he changed his name to World Be Free, the legend. Click on that one. Click on that one.

Yeah. He played for the Sixes. All right. But when he came into the league, he was like Johnny Getow. They would only put him in way before he was World. Way before this shit. When he came into the sixes, they said he could shoot the ball. Him and Andrew Tony.

He could him and Andrew Tony could shoot the ball in the dark. Watch these shots. Look how he was built to boot. Strong. No, this kid was a savage. Yeah, stocky. He was like a... But when he was with the sixers, with Julius serving, that one season,

when they'd be down 13 points going into the half, and he was the sixth man. Damn! What a nice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy was badass. He'd come off the bench for the sixers. Look at how high the shot.

Look at him. Wow. It got a big shot. Wow. Bam. Yeah, no, this guy was a savage. Look at him. When he was a sixer, he was tremendous.

With a chain on that's flopping everywhere. He didn't give a fuck. Nice dish. Look at him. Unselfish. What? Nice thing. Yeah, dog.

This guy was a... Smooth. Then he changed his name to World Be Free. And it was over? Yeah. I thought he was a lot better when he was Lloyd Be Free. He was kicking white people. He didn't give a fuck.

There was two players I thought they were phenomenal. Look at this. And he was tough. Like he took it to your ass. If you fucked with him, if you didn't respect his defense. Like if you didn't go out to play him, he would pop a 40 on you. He could pop a 40 on you, dog. Wow, cool.

And then put another guy in. This was my all-time favorite. This guy used to come off the bench for the Seattle Supersonics. Who? Who? He was built like me. me, and he'd drink on the bench, that he'd have a little brown bag on the bench. And the coach would yell for him, like, if they were down like four points,

the coach and Papa said, you ready to go in? Coach, I go in, but there ain't no defense coming out of me. He was a little chubby dude. I forget what his name is now. He'd take the ball dribbling twice and just throw it up in the air. Bam! He'd do that three or four times. They'd be up, and he'd say, coach, it's over.

I've tired myself out. I've got to get a beer. Come on. It was... Is it weird for you that, like, great teams aren't around anymore? Like, when you say,

like, the Seattle Supersonics, there's people listening to this podcast who probably never saw them play. Yeah, they've been gone for a while now. The Seattle Super Seven years had a great team. Sean Kemp years were good. Sean Kemp-Payton years were really good. Yeah, but before that,

great NBA Jam team, the great NBA Jam team. They fucking, way before that, they went to the finals, or maybe even won it one year with Jack Sykma and a bunch of the fucking crazy dudes.

I was a kid. I used to love all that shit. That was my world. It was all that basketball. You know, I still remember when the bullets were in Washington. Yeah. With that one bar, the one by the dude, that was fucking tremendous. Howard Workman was a great defender.

Wes Unsel. Wes Unsel. They said, Bobby. He said one of the best first steps of anyone. And he was short and stock. And they had a, and he played with Bernard King's little brother. Albert. Albert King.

And they said Albert King had such a quick. first step, then he would fake you out, then go back, and then come back to the original spot, but you couldn't have even reacted to the first fake, so you're still going, so someday he'd fake myself into tougher defense, you know, because I put you that way. You're supposed to try to go back, but it's like, I couldn't even see that. Let me tell you something. I remember King was dick compared to his brother. Bernard King was the better one?

Put on Bernard King highlights. Let me tell you something about Bernard King, all right? And you're listening to your fucking older brother here. Yeah. It was Tony Supriana. There was Jackie Gleason. There was Lawrence Taylor. And this guy came in a tight third.

Right there. This kid. Bernard King, those are cool. Oh, my God. This guy was a nightmare when he first came out of college. Look at fucking Red-on Round Ball. That's a little man. That's red-on-round ball.

That used to be halftime of all the NBA games. Red-on-round ball, he would teach you how to play basketball. Really? Light that up. Put that on louder. A great all-round player of the New York. I get goosebumps, dog. You're supposed to be a small forward. What are you doing playing the fifth?

Six foot six. Look at his motherfucker dog. What? What? Bernard. Brother Bernard. Yeah, because he played inside, right? Look at him.

Look at him. Boom. Oh, my God, nice spin. Oh, no. He had the best spin moves. I knew Bernard King as an older player. No. Bernard King was on the greatest.

Listen, they did a 30 for 30 on them. They did a 30 for 30 on him recently. If he wouldn't have got hurt. He's still number. rate in all time scoring. And he got hurt three years, his knees. Like this guy, he was a fucking savage, and he was the

king of New York. Look at him. When he played in New York at that garden on the Tuesday, look who he used to have to cover. He used to have to cover savages. Look at his face. He was a fucking savage. This kid. Tough. Yeah, I remember him there, with the bullets, little older.

He's still the best player. Yeah, look at him against Detroit, against Mark Iguer. He didn't Look at Kelly Chupuca. Look Kelly Chupuka. That dude, play for fucking Jersey. And he, you know how most players have a thousand points in four years? Yeah, this guy was bad ass. That's why he's supposed to be out in the wing.

He's like, what are you doing playing the pivot? Look at him. He didn't give a fuck. He never got the memo. Like most people get the memo. You're not to play. He didn't give a fuck. And he took it to your ass.

He got right into your chest before he jumped. He took it to your ass. And always and won. Look at him in New York. He was just tremendous, isn't Nick? Bernard. Look at him. He would fuck you up from anywhere.

That's hard as Gilmore and Billy Polts. Look at Brother Bernard. Look at Brother Bernard. Oh, shit. It wasn't even a three point. Oh, that's, oh, my God. So now he's getting older. No, by the time he got to the bullets, he was done.

Yeah. His knees were done. They said the night he got hurt. Look at him at Tennessee. The Bernie and fucking Ernie show. Straight from fucking Brooklyn, Jack. Look at him. straight out of fucking Brooklyn

this fucking guy and the Nets Then he went to the Nets And he got in trouble with the Nets They caught him out of lights Fall asleep With cocaine on his shirt So they sent him to rehab

And the Golden State Warriors And while he was at the Warriors He became the comeback player Of the year And then guess what The Knicks came a calling from And that was the fucking beginning of the end

Yeah No no no That year when he got out of rehab He went Banachian He went fucking bananas. He went to rehab for a year? For six months, six weeks. Wow.

And then he went to Golden State. He went and he wanted to comeback. Look at the New York City. New York City don't give it to a black dude like that ever. Look at him. He didn't give a fuck. Look at him. Bam!

Look at those stockbrokers after work getting fucked up in the city. Nope. Don't defend that. Paul Westfall. Oh my God. I forgot he was a Nick. That dude could shoot the boy. He was ambidextrous.

He could pop a 30 on you with both hands, dog. You understand me? Yeah, he fucked up the sixes. He fucked up everybody. One week, he scored 60 points in two games against the Celtics and somebody else at the garden. And that was it. Look at him, look him.

He didn't stop, dog. Wow. That's the garden, dog. I love looking how they're dressing in the stands. That's New York fucking city, Ari. If you didn't get him off their feet like that on a Tuesday night, are you fucking crazy, man? Come on.

You know how many Tuesday nights I went into that fucking fucking guard just to watch him play. There he goes, 50 points. Geez. Every time he gets up at this point, he's just fucking hurting. The big back screaming, get the ball to King. Give it the King.

The screaming. All right, here it is. But I'm looking for 50. He's got it. I'm telling you, he had a couple nights. He was just popping 50s. He was like, just giving the ball. I can't miss right now.

Bernard takes it to the hoop. Yes, and it counts. Nobody could stop this. Not Detroit. Wow. I'm telling you guys, you have no idea. I wouldn't fucking bullshit, you guys. This is as good as it gets for a long time.

He was fucking up to Celtics. He was fucking up to Sixers. He was fucking. And that dude, he was hugging right, that little brother right there. That's Ray Williams. He had a brother called Gus Williams, that play for the Seattle Super Sonics. That was also a fucking, he used to call him the Wizards. King, yes, and it counts.

Bernard King continues. to hammer those dislocated fingers on both hands. Here's King. Yes. Over Cura, yes. Sational rebound. No, tremendous, brother. Tremendous shit.

I grew up with this shit. That kid he played against, I remember one nine Irish affair. Yeah. My high school was in the semifinals of the States. I was a basketball geek. Me, the coach from Ramapo, Chuck McBrain, Wadi, O'Donnell.

We hopped on the bus, and we went out to fucking, in Proofield, New Jersey to watch our high school against his white dude that was a machine. His father had been a quarterback for the Broncos.

Yeah. And this kid, you know how most players have a thousand points in four years? Yeah. He was doing a thousand a year. Really?

Oh, they said he was the next Julia serving and he was white. I went out there, the kid's name was Kelly Chupukean. No way. We're sitting out in the fuck You saw him in high school? Oh my God.

Listen to me. Against my high school. scored 44 points. He was 20 for 24 from the field. Wow. We beat him with a tipping. This kid called DeVito that was about, he had gone for like eight different college. He had gone

for like eight different high schools. He was originally from North Bergen, but he went to like Union Hill, Emerson, then he made a comeback at North Bergen. And at North Bergen there, he had like one year eligibility left. But he was a fucking savage called the veto. And there was like a ball was on the rim,

and he tipped in our high school one. Then we had a like Camden in fucking Camden down there. And that's when we had a coach that was in a wheelchair, Ralphie Marino. Yeah. And we beat Camden. And the one black kid came over and spit his fucking face. Who spits the guy's face in a wheelchair?

Crazy. Fucking crazy, man. How crazy were the stands back then? Because now, like, even the bleachers are kind of tame. My favorite video that I've ever seen is when they threw. Pete's at a guy's face at Fenway. That one still makes me laugh. When I went to Old Retsons games or Bullets games,

it was like, it shook. Like, it was like, this isn't sturdy. Everyone's stomping and it's going crazy. And it's like, it was not that safe. I went to a lot of games. It's a lot of fall. I've been to a lot of games of everything. And I'm going to tell you the loudest stadium I was ever in

how I thought there was an earthquake. And I was scared for a few minutes, but they couldn't be an earthquake there. Ready for this? Monday night football. when fucking Joe Montana went to Kansas City and they played against

the Denver Broncos on Monday night and Joe, I think it was Joe Montana was about to take them into the fucking I'd never been in a place as loud as that and there was an earthquake. There was a fucking earthquake,

man. I love that. I love that. That's why it's so disappointing when you go to some place and they don't have like a great fan experience. Yeah. Like that's why they had

so much, it's so much fun. I don't know. And then, like, that's why I like older stadiums. I've sat in very nice seats. They got the soul in them still. But yeah, I like older. Like, that's my one, my one baseball regret is I wish had gone to the old Yankee stadium.

That would have been fun to see. That was the old Yankee Stadium. It was 1990s. Excuse me, summer in 93. And I saw fucking crack vows on the steps. No way. Yeah. It was fucking crazy.

And I wasn't really a big Yankee stadium guy. I was always a Shea Stadium guy because my mom was a Met fan. But I went to some fucking, listen, man, sports changed a lot. I mean, I remember going to a game at the Houston to watch Clemens pitch against somebody. And nobody would yell. Nobody would talk. People would say things, but amongst themselves. You really couldn't say anything aloud.

I used to go to games with my mother. She used to throw chicken wings at Rusty Stab. They banned my mother from sitting on right field and made it sit on left field. So she's going to throw chicken wings at Rusty Stab the right field, they were from the Mets

because he made an arrow one day. My mom lost a bet. So she never forgave that motherfucker ever again. So every time he run by, my mother would call La Ruta, he was a poota! And she'd start yelling at him, throwing chicken wings at him. So they like my mom so they said listen you can still come to the games just got to sit on left field

or some shit the opposite side but people were crazy people yelled people had fist fights i went to a jet philly game one time in new jersey in 1993 yeah yeah i'll never forget that some dude had like a new england jacket on or something and they kept telling take the jacket off take the jacket off and the guy got up thought he was cute turned around and went like this one of his fingers then turned back around. Ari Shafir, he wasn't to hear, and things were being projectile at him

from everywhere, from hot dogs to sodas to beers to fucking popcorn. Everybody just chucking shit. People were just chucking shit at them so bad that security had to come and pull them out with like umbrellas and shit. That's the shit I miss. I don't like going on, listen, I don't like,

when Lee tells me he's going a Dodger game in the back of my mind, I think at least I'm getting beat up. It goes to a Dodger game with a Boston Red Sox half. Depends on where I'm sitting. And some fucking jerk off says something to you. I don't need that of the game. That's not what games were about.

Ever. Games were about, I don't know you, you don't know me, but you know what, man, you got a joint. Let's spark it. I got one too. And next thing you know, the whole area's pissed off. Kids, mothers with their kids are looking at us. Fuck you. Put away the marijuana. Fuck you.

That's what baseball games used to be When like when your team is coming back Or when you're like your team hits a home run It's the same thing as like when The whole table gets like the dealer bus on blackjack Like like it's the same everyone's Together pretend it Yeah

It's it's a lot of fun It stinks when they lose But it's like that I don't think there's a better sport than baseball to see live I don't know I don't know It's so slow you can go out have drinks Yeah yeah yeah you can walk around You get some sun it's like fucking it's just

so nice. It's just a pleasant experience. Like right now this time of the year. If you're up two runs to nothing, you're like, well, we can miss this offensive. You know, go get some fucking something down below. And this is the time of the year to go watch baseball. School's back in session. It's still warm. September, the nights here

in Los Angeles are fucking gorgeous. Yeah. Nights in New York, evenings in New York. Look at the Yankee schedule. I want to see if I got one more weekday day game. Those weekday day games. They're fun, brother? No, he's there. Nobody's there. You get the steak sandwich there yet?

The Yankee Stadium? Yeah, the $20 steak sandwich. I don't think I have. Is that worth it? You've had that? I've heard from... Steaks sandwich. Professionals there that I've said that they go there just for the steak sandwich.

Really? Yeah. I'll go. I'll get it. I'm not scared. Maybe it's a Houston's... Something like that. If you think I'm scared.

My friend used to leave in the seventh inning. He got a steak sandwich. Oh, I've seen that steak sandwich up near where we said in the police is. Yes. Yes. You have to go somewhere and get it. He says it's fucking out of this world. Really?

And that's when things, stadium food has become, like, when it was a good of kids. Decent. Bro, Dodger Stadium has fucking Chinese food. They have Chinese food now. Well, it's not. Angel Stadium has Pandexpress. Right. Fucking Memorial Stadium.

No, Camden Yards said kosher food. They had a kosher stand. Yeah, where the Orioles play. Yeah, but didn't I eat at Boog Powell's play? There's a truck outside. Yeah. There's a truck outside, right? Yes.

This was night. Inside the gates, though. Yeah, I had tickets to the game. I went in. I got some. It's like barbecue beef or like brisket or something. Yeah. I don't give a fuck.

They can call it to their fucking face turns red. I'm doing a motherfucking podcast, Jack. Fuck that you're supposed to call me this morning. It's pit beef. Boopal's pit beef. Pit beef. Pit beef and ballmores. Damn.

So many places have it good. I have mouths water. I miss like a good fucking crab cake. I've really had those. You know, like crab cake type of guy from hell? I kept kosher for too long, so I didn't. So if you eat kosher, you can't eat crabs? No crabs.

It's not even the way you make it. No crabs at all. No crabs, no shrimps. What's his name? Barry fucking what's his name? Eat lobster. Oh, yeah, no one keeps kosher. No, what's his name?

The guy that went away that robbed everybody. That De Niro played on HBO. Oh, um, recently that guy, uh, made off. Yeah, made off. Yeah, he wasn't keeping kosher. Yeah, no one keeps kosher. You're also not supposed to lie and cheat people out of money. but like those are the bigger issues

than what he's fucking putting in his throat it's one of the ten man oh that's why I made the point I don't think he's worried about putting people into homelessness he cares too much about like is this permitted it'd be pretty funny if he was keeping kosher

secure just keeping kosher the whole time he's like no God wants it so you're like what about bilking people well we fall it falled under a loophole no shellfish at all no lobster no ham no pork no pork So there's none of that.

No cheese with meat? So there's no cheese burgers? Yeah, you can't mix. How do you eat 20 cheeseburgers a week? Because I don't keep kosher. He's making up for lost time. He orders twice the cheese. He'll let you know when he stops.

Now, what's good that's kosher now? They've trained a lot of food. No, you who's kosher? No, you can get kosher food now. Kit Katz are all kosher. All Nestle's kosher. So you go down the candy front. Most gummies kosher.

Technically, because the horse hoof is not even any kind of meat. So it doesn't matter. Is it really horse hoof? Yeah, it's horsehoof. Oh. What's horse hoof? The stuff that makes the gummy texture. They're shaving down horse.

They're just like, yeah, sanding it down until it's a powder. I'm using that as a mix. Oh, nice. Okay. So normally that wouldn't be kosher, but the Jewish board of rabbis is like, that ain't even food. You can eat horse hoof. That's not even about kosher or not. So that's allowed.

You can have spaghetti and meatballs, which you can't put Parmesan cheese on there. They do have bacon bits, which are fake bacon or faco's. You remember of those? I had bacon. goes, yeah, which tastes like bacon. It's you can put on a salad. Taste like bacon. Work around.

Can you get fried chicken? Absolutely not. But you can make fried chicken at home. Keep in mind, you have two parents almost every time. Really taking care of you. So, there's plenty of time to cook. Make me something nice, please. And the maid.

Don't you have to have two sets of dishes? Two sets of dishes. You've got to have meat on one side, milk another. Now, if you're a ball and family, you get two dishwashers. Generally, if you're poor, you have no dishwashers. You've got to get separate sinks-ish. you can use the same sink, but you got to use different sponges

from meat dishes or milk dishes. Now what's a kosher chicken? Purdue? It's killed. No, no, nothing. You got to go to a Jewish, whatever they're called. Butcher.

Butcher, yeah. They got to be killed in a certain way. And blessed. Right through it, right through a hole on your thing. Exactly in between two vertebrae or whatever. So there's no pain. There's no pain.

Yeah. Which is now, by the way, way, way more inhumane than what they actually just do now, whatever right is before they were just beating them to death. And the Jews was like, oh, we should be better than that. But now. they're just worse than

they just fucking kill them. They're done with an instant electrocution. So they kill it perfectly. If they fuck up, you can't, you can have it. We can't have it anymore.

They're going to sell it wholesale to the goium. You know, so it's not a total loss. We don't waste it. Yeah, why waste it? And then if it is killed,

then you're fine. But if it comes in contact with milk, you're fucked. Milk and kosher. Milk is fine, just not with meat. Only fish is the universal.

donor. That can go with meat or milk. Fish is fine somehow. They don't believe fish are real animals. They don't have to kill those. You can just swallow them alive. No rules about it. Yeah, crazy. I didn't know that much. Oh, yeah. Now, what about sushi? Sushi is allowed?

Just not. Like, you couldn't have your filly roll. Totally good. What? No filly roll. No, filly roll. Why not? Because it's a cream cheese? Yeah. No, no, you can have kosher cream cheese. No, but not with the family. Your brand cream cheese. Is kosher cream cheese. Not with what? Oh, with the salmon you could. With the salmon you can.

Oh, you're absolutely right. You can have a Philly roll. You can't have a crab roll. You can have that California roll, but you can have the imitation crab meat. That's the California roll, the imitation crab meat, right? Yeah, you could have that. You could have the salmon, the spicy salmon. See, I didn't know fish in dairy.

Snapper. You can have that, yeah. And with the, my dad makes it now. Now what about is meat have to be kosher? Meat has to be kosher. Awesome. Everything except fish. If it's kosher.

Now pigs, they'll never be kosher. Giraffes, yes. horses I forget Now let me ask you this Where's the Jewish butcher around here In the valley? Yeah There's a few

Oh you can get some Kishka Dude I made a chint Did I tell you that? You did with the girl Yeah Okay It came out great I was up here

Something for the Kishka Because you gotta get that frozen It came out great We gotta make a chunt Before I leave You got a crock pot I think so I'm gonna ask my wife

I don't know what Ask her It's a 16 hour dish Tell them. Tell them what they do. It's like the stew. It's an Eastern European stew. I don't think I ever had Chuland. Why?

I don't know. Who raised you? Not, I guess not Eastern, they're Eastern European. I don't know what's your last name. Say it. I don't know what that is. That sounds a little Arabic.

No, it's a Lithuanian. Okay. That should be okay. Then you should have Cholent. I'm sure we do somewhere. Beans, barley. Okay. Potato like just, you know, diced potatoes.

All sorts of different things in different regions. Some people put like chopped up. weiner dogs which is fine whatever for garbage something to put hard boiled eggs in there Kishka over the top

which is just intestine tubes and they bake so good oh they bake so good I think I'm too far down and you put water in it and you put it in a crock pot on low or medium

I forget for 16 hours you do it at like 6 p.m. you set it you forget it you come back the next day at lunch first maybe you get a little a little mixture

because the steam keeps it keeps it watery. You don't let the top off too much. That's it'll dry out. But you get one for breakfast before you go to Shul. Because you're going to be there for a few hours. So you smell it. So you're like, let me just get a bite of this.

So you quickly eat a little bit, put the top back on. And then at 1130, 12, they take it off. And it's got this consistency, which is not like wet. Can we put shredded beef from that motherfucker? We put also. Instead of hot dogs? We could put anything. With the potatoes.

They put brisket. Brisket. Brisketes. Yeah, that's the ticket. They put these, uh, These ribs that have the squares in the inside, the bones, whatever those are called. And then they melt off. The bones just come out.

And then the marrow goes out into the things. So you eat these fucking, you can bottom out the marrow from these bones. The meat comes off. Yeah, you could put shredded beef. That sounds nice with some brisket. No, brisket is kosher, correct? Yeah, brisket's kosher. You get that from anywhere, though, or that has to be.

Look up Chon. You probably still have to have it be a kosher or bircher. Like, if you go to this barbecue place up here in North Hollywood. They have a brisket. Yeah, that wouldn't be because of no way. Okay. They have to have a rabbi looking over the process. I threaten me to look over the process.

We can trust you that you're actually doing it right. Now, what's the nearest holiday? The first holiday of the Jewish season is now. Russia Shana, New Year's. Which is September 24th, maybe. I don't know. How is these jackets earlier this year, huh? It is.

Yeah, it's earlier this year for sure. The 20th starts. September 20th. Really? Yes. So, Sarah Smaidtchua. Ten days of repentance. So on Rush Hashanah,

first day of the holidays, God opens up his book. It's like Santa Claus. Let's see what you've been up to. And he makes his judgments about you. But he keeps the book open. So you've got ten days. For the first day of Rush Ashana,

second day of Rush Ashana, then seven days in between, and then the last day is Yom Kippur. That's all. There's no. family get together. Rushana does family get together. You eat apples dipped in honey.

You remember that? You do that? Oh yeah. That's the best part. Apples dipped in honey. Round chala instead of long one. Circle chala because the year is round. Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure. Are you a raisin hollow or a plain holla person? Dude, we would go one in one because I love raising chala, especially with the honey. Yeah, but so we have for everybody. And if you want three out of four one way, but you feel like taking a, you know, a jump, then take the jump. That's true. One and one.

Go one and one. I think now maybe as an adult, I might like the race. Raisin Hollow, but as a kid, I hated it. Yeah, so, don't be forced. I'll see somebody pick out raisins. Can I have your raisins? Are you eating those? Anyway, you have that with honey.

Apples with honey, because that's round. Rush Shun is great, but families come over. You have lunch with another family. Yeah, but it's great meals. And you know, Kippur, the 10 days later, that's just straight repentance. You don't wear leather anything. You fucking tear your shit, you tear your, like, shirt and stuff. If it has a whole...

You don't sit in a high chair, sit low. You're supposed to repit. You're supposed to rip it. It's like, yeah, it's like your morning. So you know, no leather shoes. Can't wear leather. It's too nice. You don't say hello to anybody.

You just nod. And that day, that's when the books are closed. So God keeps those judgment books open. So he's like, you know what? This guy's being good. All right. Better judgment. But if he's not or whatever, he writes it in,

slams it shut, into the fact you can't eat from sundown until sundown the next day. 25 hour fast. No food, no water. You would hate it. that part. And then you have to go to temple during it, which is even worse. Yeah. And then you finish and you just go eat.

Now both you guys grew up this way? I know. Well, this is the only, like, these holidays are like Christmas and Easter. So like my mom would go for these. Do you take an objection with what I said? No. I just remember something else. Something fucking crazy. Go ahead. So yeah. So these were like the big ones. So we would go

during these couple days and I hated it because they're fucking long. Like, Shabbat would be like an hour. But these were like all, like for four or five hours. And for, like, I was a reform, which is basically a joke to him. So it's a joke. Yeah. Not even conservative.

It was like, oh, we fell apart a little bit. Reform is like, let's redo it. And you're like, well, fucking make your own religion then, Mormon? Fucking reformed. Fucking women leading the services. What are they talking about? No, it was like that. That's crazy.

That's my God. I don't know. I'm telling people in Israel and I'm reforming and they get so upset. Like, what the fuck are you talking about reformed? And it is ridiculous. Make a new one. They have guitars. It's terrible.

Oh, yeah. They get up there and they sing their songs and dance. And I don't mind. Let's touch each other. Even though that's fucking, you're not allowed, clearly. Yeah. And he's like the mom, the women and the men get separated. Sit separate.

Because, well, it's not their fault. It's our fault. But we're all horn dogs. You fucking pray to God. Don't be sitting there and looking at the chick from your class, cross her legs. Of course, that's what you do. That's a good idea. Separate them.

Homosexual. throw a wrench in it. They should probably sit by themselves. But actually, no, because they're attracted to themselves. So sit alone. Homosexual have to get quarantined. If you really want to do it, we can concentrate on God. They would have what I would like to call the hole,

where if you're going to get thrown in there so you can concentrate on God and not get distracted by sex. Otherwise, heterosexual women, you all sit together. Heterosexual men, you all sit together. Bisexuals, yeah, you got to go out in the hole, for sure. I don't see a way around that. Men aren't even supposed to look.

be attracted to anybody. Like, what was it called? Like, I saw it, and I forget, it was like, these guys were walking with a sheet so they could see, but they couldn't. Tallis. You get the towels over your head, bra. Yeah. So you can't even see them. We used to duck down to my dad, who would, like, lift up his, like, wing and get under there.

Oh, my God. Felt like the save his place in the world. So anyway, they have to sacrifice something. In the old days, you don't keep poor a rush of Shana. I forget which one. And otherwise, you would offer a sacrifice. We did away with that. We just.

They still do it. They still do it. Yeah. But so the one time of year they do it is, you say these prayers, you put your sins on a chicken, and a live chicken. You put your sins on them. It's kind of like confession, and you say these prayers, and you hold his chicken, you hold his head. And then when you finish that, you hold them by the neck.

And then you just start spinning them around. You just start spinning them. You squawking, and you just spin this fucking chicken. chicken. Spin it and spin it, spin it, spin it. And all your sins are on this fucking sin chicken. And you just spin it and he's squawk it and then you just stop squawking. And you just keep spinning it and then it's dead. He killed the fucking sin chicken. Your sins go with the chicken. Yeah, let it an undue eat it. Let it non-ju eat it. Sell it off to one of them. I got this fucking sin chicken. Most of the sins don't count towards you. I was barely in Israel.

But the one time I was there, I was there for Yom Kippur. And I was in Jerusalem the night and the next day, They had fucking chickens. They were just all along the alleyways of the old city. It's like tribesmen in Africa kind of behavior. Fucking spin a chicken over your head until it's fucking dies. And they're chanting, some fucking weird old language nobody uses. They're fucking nuts.

You're not spinning it. The father of the house spins it. No, no, no, not the rabbi. My dad did it. Everybody did it. You get your chicken. Fucking killed the fuck out of it. When you're a man, I guess.

Sometimes what you can do is, what you probably did, you put your sins on a loaf of bread. Yeah. You did that shit. Yeah, we did that sometimes. We went and put it in the river. Yeah, then you take the bread, you throw it into the river. It's got your sins on it.

Fish eat it. Now, they're the sinners. It's a little. I mean, we did that a lot of times. We only did a sin chicken sometimes. We need a really bad year. Some years. I don't know. I think when maybe it was like.

I got to do the sin chicken four times a month. Just kill it this way. No, it's different. It's not a sin chicken. What did you have? Okay, let's say, um, dressed up in weird, oh shit with weird, with weird belts with tassels on them

that kill a fucking chicken. Let's say what? You came to me and you said, you know what, Jordan, I'm not feeling that fucking good lately.

I go get a chicken. But you'd voodoo it. It's Santoree. I'm sorry. Same fucking difference, but it's still the same concept. I grab it by the legs. I pick it up and I offer it to God.

And I say, Ari Shafia's here. He comes to offer you this, you know, take care of his confusion. and take care of his watch over and watch his path. Then I take that chicken and you turn counterclockwise. And I'm pretty much from your head.

I wipe your shoulders with it, your back, your arms, your hands, your feet. And the last thing is your hands. Yeah. Because you want it to clean the shit from your hands so you get money. And then I take that chicken, I chop its fucking neck off. I feed it to the saint, the blood. Who's the saints on the ground? Oh, we take the saint out.

What saint? A statue of the saint? That saint that you want to... Poor blood over a stained statue? Yeah, like, it's not a statue, but it's like a cauldron with beach rocks in it. And it says St. Anthony on it or something? Yeah, like, it's an African name, but it's still the same concept. Oh.

You're cleaning your sins. It's still the same shit. You know, you're losing. You can't pick a fucking winner. You come see me. I get a chicken. I wipe your back. I wipe your neck.

I clean you down. I kill the chicken. You fucking... Know somebody who just has some funky shit on them. It's getting into your head. You come to see me. Same type of concept. But really, but not really.

You guys did it once a year, right? Once a year, yeah. Yeah, we did it whenever we felt funky. You pick four losers in my world. Come on, over. Let's kill a chicken for you. Let's kill a chicken for you. Do you see a Santerian, New York, ever anymore?

No. I don't know what they even look for. Yeah, they're on the corners. What do you mean? You walk by a corner and you see. your chicken in a bag or a couple broken eggs that's Santeria. Really? Yeah

because this is the same concept with the egg. Wow, that sounds like you can do shit. If you work with somebody and they killed somebody or they committed suicide, something like that. In Santeria they want you to go home and get an egg and you cleanse yourself with the egg if you don't have a chicken.

You know what I'm saying? Really? That's fucked up. I ate that those undeveloped eggs when I was in Cambodia. What? What are undeveloped eggs? It's got like a fetus in there.

Oh, fuck that. Yeah. It's got like a fetus. It's foreign, but it's all like gelatinous. And they give it to you. And then some fucking old men came by. It's like, that's good for nighttime. It's supposed to be this fucking aphrodisiac or something or a boner pill.

I don't know. I've seen that. Andrew Zimmer and eat that on travel time. Yeah. Yeah. It gets presented to you and you're always like, all right, let's go right now. Go. Do it.

Order it. Yeah, it was pretty gross. But it tasted fine. Did they have bones in the? It tastes it fine. They put a little piss like soy sauce in it or some shit,

something like that. Did they have what? There bones in it? Did it crunch? No. No, it did not. Even the beak was soft and then there's like a harder part

so if the eggs like that there's like a hard part that's like there that's like all hard that you can't even get through and the rest is all fucking that's my biggest fear. That's my biggest fear of traveling.

What? Food. Really? I don't like food. No one's going to force you to eat it? No, but what am I going to be fucking eating on the road? Instead he's going to go

to fucking eat cockroaches? What am I going to eat? fucking McDonald's. You gotta eat street food and fucking get sook. Where was this? That was in Cambodia. Yeah, I don't think Joe is going to Cambodia, but you could go to, like, Japan. That's my favorite.

That's the one I really want to go to. Japan? Yeah. I think I'm going to go there. That seems like fun. Yeah. You could eat the sushi. Yeah.

Yeah. But I'm sure it's amazing. They just chopped the head off and it's still swimming and shit like that. It's, uh, it's a different experience of food. I don't know if it's, China, Japan, where you go eat balls. Dude, I had that in Israel, Bulls, balls. In a mixed grill.

And I'm like, what does Kada Rian mean? Because I thought I knew. I thought I meant balls. Kut or salt, cut, or whatever. And they're like, balls. I'm like, yeah, yeah, but what does it mean, like here in terms of, like, in the mixed grill? It says Kudorriam.

They're like, yeah, balls. And they're like, yeah, balls. And I was like, oh. Yeah, bull's testicles. Were they good? Delicious. What did you eat them? Like, well, they're mixed grill.

You get a bunch of stuff. Little liver. Chicken heart, maybe. um balls pieces of like beef chopped of you know onion shit

mixed grill did you ever find good Chinese food in Israel because I was barely there and the duck sauce was red yeah that's there it's like sweet and sour sauce almost yeah

that is fucked up but they open up a pizza hut near uh Jerusalem a mall They had Tuesdays all you could eat

And we would Eat an early dinner On Monday, like 6 p.m. And then not eat anything until 4 to 5 p.m. the next day And go in and eat an entire pizza And then order another pizza And eat one bite of that

Go, yeah, I'm full. Wrap this up, please. We would kill them. How was it? It was great, it's just pizza. But they had like the, when I was there They had like corn on dominoes. Like that's some weird donuts.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's like that in every country. They had sticky rice. They had brown sticky rice at Burger King. Really? In Chiang Mai, yeah. Yeah. Dude, I had some questionable shit, though. I had some oysters just in a, like a cooler, but just like out in Vietnam down an alley.

And they were like cooking them. And I was like, oh, I mean, they looked great. But like, no freshness. And it's just like shelf, just seafood, just like shellfish, just open oysters or clams. out for a while. And I was like, yeah, give me an order of that. And then it's like, let's see, let's take the ride. That's how it didn't get sick.

I can't do it, guys. I don't give a fuck. You would never take, like, fresh oysters? I don't even like oysters here. Clams, they had shit on them. I went to Jamaica one time, and I saw those chickens on the side of the road and shit. I went back to that hotel, and that food tasted so fucking bad. And those eggs tasted weird to me.

The orange juice tasted weird. I cannot do it. I am too much of a fucking skeeve. I skee fucking food too much. But I thought you loved food. My favorite memory is one of you in San Francisco. I want some authentic Chinese telling that guy. And he was okay, he goes, no, but authentic.

And then he took a so good place, and you were like, there's crawfish with eyeballs in it. And you're like, a little too authentic. A little too authentic. Yeah, it's too much. I need to pull back a little bit. This Dave Foley took me to a place. I had some fucking tremendous added, the potato pancakes.

But again, I'm sold on. East Coke Chinese food. That's what I grew up with. The egg rolls the best. You can't like that. So that's where your fucking mentality is. You be good Chinese in New York? You go right to the village, right?

You go right to Chinatown? Yeah, but honestly, Chinatown doesn't have the best Chinese. Same thing as Little Italy doesn't nearly have the best. No, no, no. And it's not open the best. Only Wojop's open up in late. You would think it'd be open to all hours. 11.

You got down with two choices. Wellhoops, fine. It's gross. It's dirty. It's dirty. It's not good food. But you have places in the East Village or like till 10 or 11 or, like, better. you know, Cheshawan food.

George, you would always torture me about Woha. And I would tell you. It's just the one that's open. I got chans to 11. I'm good. Once I eat chans, I'm good. I don't need to go into the village

and let my friends know. I went into the village to eat Chinese. But you're already in New Jersey? Yeah. What time is the last call in New York? They don't know what you're talking about. That's business by business. Whenever they want.

It's not at all? Is it four or is it three? No, it's neither. When I was growing up, I've drank until the sun has come up. I've been in bars and seen through the cracks. Where I'm like, oh, fuck, it's fucking sunlight now.

How crazy? They just don't kick you out. How crazy is that you're in a bar and you walk on you need some glasses? It's crazy, but it feels so cool. So cool. You're like, I stayed up all night. The air is like clean, especially if it's like six instead of like nine or ten. Nine or ten people are already out.

But if you get out of like six, it's like still kind of quiet. And you're like, oh, yeah, you feel like if I fucking accomplished something. I pulled my first Coke all night when I was about 17 with Diti Cantera. but to go into a bar at two in the morning and do blow and drink beer and walk out of that bar at 7.30 in the morning when the sun's out.

Yeah. You have this weirdest feeling the first couple times you do it, you think you're fucking Sinatra. Yeah, it feels like that. You really do. The first three, four times that you stay out all night with your friends

and you walk out at seven and you're like, where are we going to go eat or maybe you can't even eat because you're so fucking coked up. you feel like look at me I'm getting places and you wake up the next thing

you tell everybody dog we stayed out all night where the fuck were you it was a blast it was no blast five guys on one broad looking at the same broad to all fuck

and a bartender with a glass eye and everybody's looking at this one chick you know to fuck this shit out of all coked up and at the end of the night

you don't go home with nobody five guys got to go home and banging out on their own like shit like two that like we'd leave a bar at seven but then there was a club in the city i would go to in 83 84 they would give me sunglasses on the way out really they would give you like three

dollar sunglasses oh really so you could go home in peace yeah in peace i couldn't even imagine yeah me and mark norman sometimes stay up pulling all nighters anymore like i couldn't even sometimes just hanging out talking for a while what's the difference like going to a bar and just bellying up and drinking butt lights with a bag of potato chips. All those bars in New York used to have potato chips. Sometimes they start pizza in there in the room

or you can order pizza to Brooklyn. You can order pizza to a bar. And they just be like, yeah, yeah. And then you just eat it there. You've gotten pizza delivered to the bar? I've seen it a bunch of times. Yeah, people can do it. Holy shit.

They don't care. We don't serve food here. Yeah, get a pizza. Yeah, it's so fucking cool in those back patios and like Brooklyn. God damn. Like when you're in L.A., if you get coked up to 4 in the morning.

Yeah. You're driving home on Sunset at 4. There's not a car out. It's peaceful. It's peaceful. Like, you're like, what the fuck am I doing? What is wrong with my life? But in New York, you walk out of a fucking club, and you're high, and the sun's out.

You're like, look at me, dog. This is Rolling Stones type shit. Yeah, you feel like John Lennon. Staying out all fucking night. Yeah. Then after a while, you just become a loser. Right. It's like, come on every night.

Every night. Stop it. It's funny, man. I listen to this thing. and you guys might not like it but I listen to it for the stupidity and I gotta tell you something I listen to it every Sunday

I usually take a ride while it's on and I know if I'm gonna like the people on the show within the first seven minutes but you catch good people on there and I listen to Studio 54 Radio on serious radio and on Sunday night some lady who was the

the what is that shit the Cook Jack I think? No you know what I'm talking about the lady who does the appointments the VIP list she is the host of the show she was the official lady who made the VIP list

for Studio 54 Oh really? And what she hosts? This show called Studio 54 And two people go in there And talk about their life When they were going to Studio 54 Like she knew him

Like this week They had a fucking tremendous woman Who hung out with Andy Raw And just said that he ran with 16D and how in New York, Andy Warhol didn't do drugs. So, Steel 54 of those nights, Andy Wall didn't do drugs. But in the daytime, he would go to milkshake bars in the village. That's where men went to meet men.

They went and had milkshakes. Milkshake bars. And if you knew the bartender, he put gin in there for you, have a vodka or whatever he wanted your milkshake. But they just talked about their lifestyles, Ari. Who? These people talk about their lifestyles at that time, like how they were living.

Like the best one I ever heard. Oh, these are the interviews? Like the interviews. Okay, okay. It's like a podcast, but of people who, like, it's like us when we're 60. Yeah. And they call us and they go, do me a favor. Talk about the store from 9th, from 2000 to 2005.

Yeah. And we're still talking about Mitzie and, you know, this guy worked the door. And there was this other guy that worked the door that was missing a foot. And you were fucking the chick upstairs. And I had that chick with a dirty fingernails that would suck my dick for a spot. You know, this is what's the guy. It's going to happen. Dirty years from now,

when you're sitting there in your bed, thinking your life is over, some young 28-year-old kid's going to call you, go, I'm going to go, I'm going to be your fian. My name is John Smith. No, no, no, don't hang up. And you're going to go, what do you want?

He's going to go, listen, we have part of this new radio station called the Comedy Store, the Wonder Years. And we love the Wonder Years, and we'd love for you to call in and discuss your relationship with Joey Dears, rest in peace, and Joe Rogan, rest in peace.

the only one that's left from that crew, are you? Can you call in tomorrow night and tell us about your life and times at the comedy store from 2000 to 2010? This is the first time somebody's called you in three years. You know what aren't you going to tell that guy? Yeah, I tell them everything. You're going to go, listen, can I fly myself to you?

It's going to be a while. Yeah, so these are people that probably, Studio 54 was in the 70s. Oh, they had stories. So this is 50 fucking years ago. So these people are in their 70s. So they come on this show. show. But about the first time I ever heard, this was like on a Sunday night, I needed weed,

and I got in the car at 6.30. We just had dinner, and I had Studio 54 radio on, and I caught this husband team talking about their life. They were Jewish. Nice Jewish couple. And they were talking about how their kids were grown up, but let me tell you all lifestyle what it was in 1975. And then he goes, shoot. And he goes, number one, for years, Liza Minnelli thought we were like, real estate agents. They didn't know that we were dentists. So this husband and wife team were two dentists. And they had somebody else who worked the office.

They lived in the Brownstone, and their mother lived downstairs. The wife's mother lived downstairs. So this was their itinerary. They would get home from Studio 54 at 6th the morning, have breakfast with the kids, and then one of them would take the kids to school and they'd sleep until 11. and they'd get up at 11, get ready, go to work from 12 to 4, go home, pick up the kids, cook dinner,

they would have dinner, help the kids with homework, take a nap till 11, and then go to Studio 54, five nights a week. Wow. And the lady was like, I remember those days. You guys were there, the people were like Tuesday through Saturday. We were at Studio 54 till 6 in the morning. And they started talking about who they saw there. in my how they tied up Bob Hope one night.

What? Bob Hope went in there one night, and the owner of the Studio 54 said, go get them, and a bunch of hot chicks went around Bob Hope and started tying them up with toilet paper. And then after the toilet paper, they brought out a rope and shit,

and that Bob Hope was turning red. They just started telling stories, already about John F. Gino, not the One Kennedy, and how Paul Costalano went. Like, everybody at one time had to go to Studio 54, to see what the fuck was going on. And it's just interesting that those people live like that.

Like when I read the Lenny Bruce book before I got into comedy, that motherfucker did comedy until five during the week in jazz and strip clubs. And then he would go home and shoot heroin at the Chelsea Hotel. And he would get up about one or two and go eat breakfast. That's the life I wanted. Like that's it.

Getting home at six every night and picking up a daily news and a fresh-squeez orange juice, taking it upstairs, turning on the... Setting on the news, a little tut-so-l-l-l-l-l-d-s, smoke a joint and pass out like by fucking 7.30. I loved all that shit. I loved working nights. That was my world. I dreamt of that shit.

Walking in while you're walking out. I always love that idea. I'm walking in while all you humps are walking out. You humps are going to work. I'm going to sleep. I loved working nights. That's why I always knew that I had to do something at night. I hated the day jobs.

Oh, right. I fucking knew. Listen, everybody's out there. Who the fuck wants to work during the fucking daytime? I like the idea of being a mason, working construction, an electrician, but suck my dick. I wanted to work fucking nights,

so I could have the days to myself. It's so weird, because my mom had that type of business. She worked nights. She worked nights in bars. So she was able to go to baseball games. No, at her bar. So she was able to go to baseball games.

She was able to go to a racetrack at 1 o'clock. You're still able to enjoy. the day is what my point is. Oh, yeah. How come they, I haven't really heard of another bar like Studio 54. That's like really like the only famous club like that. Is there other other ones? Or do I just not go to clubs?

After that time in New York City, they had like area and they had the one that's the church that's still there on the 20th and west side. It's a church. But now it used to be a church. They turned it into a club. And they had all these spots lately. I was not a club guy. I would go, like if Ari would call me and go, Joey, come with me tonight, this, or whatever.

I got, like, an eight ball or blow. Let's take a ride over, and I'll eat some quailudes. I went to studio one time, and it was not when Mick Jagger was hanging out there. It had to be, like, 84 on a Thursday night. Like a friend of mine took me. I used to go to a place to rooftop because it was a cocaine place. All those places were basically cocaine places. You look at me, like, what's a cocaine place?

that me, you and Lee could pay $12 bucks. It was like... All you can snort? No, it was no... Shit. It was a rooftop. It was $17 if you walked in at 11

and it was 12 if you walked in after 4. But it was all you could drink. All right? So you, me and Lee, would sit on... $17? Yeah, this is 1983. How much did the drink back then? Whatever.

It was all you could drink. So it's watered down alcohol, but you didn't give a fuck. By the time you walked in there, you dropped a little. or a two and all and you had a half an eight ball in you and you had 30 cocktail

summer hours you just went in there to continue the party and be able to drink so what you did was you went in there in those days in 1983 if you had an eight ball

and I had an eight ball and I had an eight ball it went on the table really yeah in front of 200 people and we would be having our own conversation snorting talking about

baseball talking about you got yours I got mine yeah we'd be all doing it together here try this do this do this you need a pill to eat Yeah, boom, that's what you're paid for. In the mid-80s, until about 1990,

when you went to those clubs, that's what you paid for. To be able to go to the bathroom and snore it, you know, in studio. And most clubs that you went to, all the bathrooms are like the main room bathroom. Yeah. With those chairs, with the mirror in front of it, with the light over it. And you can go into the woman's bathroom at those discos, sit down and snort cope,

and women would go pee you. And they didn't say nothing to you. All right. As long as you didn't fuck with them while they were paying and say you can just snort coke in there. Like every place in the club was... How much is an A ball? At that time? Yeah, like, no, no, no, how much is it cost?

How much Coke do you get? Three and a half grams. Show me on the bag. Let's just say that was full of Coke. How much were that? Three and a half grams is... Not the weight of it, but the look of it, you know? Let's say it was all Coke.

That down there? Yeah. That's it? Wow. Wait, wait, he's getting in some more In fact amount Let me see That

Let me see And this might be like five grams Oh so maybe even less than that Even less than that How many lines you get out of that How many lines you got out of an eight ball? It depends how big you make the lines You know

Little tiny things like this You should get You should get eight grams Out of a half gram Eight snorts out of a half gram Yeah Eight snorts out of half gram Yeah

Oh see there you got That's a long time then Yeah And it's it's an eighth Yes. Three and a half grams. Oh, so if you can get eight out of half a gram. Yeah, because your lines.

Okay, your lines are going to be like this. Okay. When I say lines for a half gram. 56. 56 snorts. You get 56 snorts out of that. That's a lot. That's a long night, right?

I don't know. How many snorts do you need? Three? Osa! That was so wet. That's what you need. Cucks. That was so wet.

That's tremendous. That's the protein potter. All right. This is a line. You're showing me a line. This is a line I'm talking about. You could get eight lines like this. Oh, this is perfect knowledge.

Eight lines like that. So that's one, two. A little thicker. Okay, so I got five there, but I take a little piece off each one here. Oh, you take a little piece off. I don't even am I getting text. And I got six there, see? Oh, right.

And then clean it up a little bit. You take that one. You know what I'm saying? Oh, wow. Yeah. could see. So lines like this. Yeah. How long does that get you high for?

If you do one of those lines. I would have to do three of these to get the party started. Okay. Wait about 10, 15 minutes and bang out the other three. Wow. And we'd be talking shit here for. For how long? An hour and a half.

An hour and a half that would get you going for. With alcohol? Yeah. You don't even need this much with alcohol. But really, it's that alone. Get it started, then get back to it, an hour and a half after that. You're like good and high. Yeah.

Oh, okay. That's nice. That's a nice long time. Fucking up all night. And how much would one of those be, those eight balls? Back then. Back then it was probably 250 to 300. Oh.

Now it's one in a quarter. It's less because it's not even cocaine anymore. No, it's cocaine. It's just we're fueled with it. It's everywhere. So it's oversaturated? Oversaturated. That's what I meant.

It's too easy to get. Yeah. Like, you know, that's what they do. They flood the streets with it. And the more of it, you know, Now, remember, you have OxyContin to compete with. Yeah. And you also have regular AIDS to compete with.

Oh, yeah. So the problem there is that fucking, there's a lot of competition. It's not just, you can't sell. In 84, when all that shit you guys are watching on Narcos, they're talking about that shit now. Now it moved into like 87, 88. But when we first watched the second season of Narcos, even this season, they said something very interesting. Remember when they couldn't get the ether?

Right, yeah, absolutely. In the 80s, there was a part like 85, 86, where your Coke started tasting funky. And it was because they couldn't get ether and smuggled into Columbia anymore. They needed ether to wash it. We were talking about this last week. They were washing their gasoline and paint solvent

and shit so your Coke tastes fucked up. That was the big issue. Because they couldn't get any ether. Then they sent troops down there, like 85, 86, and that made them move. That made them go to Cuba and process it. It skyrocketed. Cocaine skyrocketed.

By 86, man, cocaine, there were some people that were getting 1,800 to 2,000 an ounce. Wow. And they would put a little tiny bit of cut of it. They saved it, so you paid top dollar, and you knew you were getting top quality. What you did with it was your business. So on Coke, that costs 1,800. A guy like you could throw 10 grams on it.

And now you started with 28. Now you got 38. If you keep three for yourself and sell 35 grams of $100 a piece, you doubled your money. A slick little hustle like yourself. You don't grind up the Coke. You leave some Coke rocks and you just chunk up the other rest and mix it with the cut.

So you're basically mixing maybe 15 with 10. You keep the other rocks out So the customer sees the rock and that's what gets their dick card You're gonna hold on a whole day long You don't want to be talking about this shit You know who's thinking of becoming a drug dealer here Nobody is this drug dealer 101 this afternoon? What the fuck here?

It's expensive Like people complain about like the price of lees At the dispensaries They're like oh that's expensive for a gram But a hundred bucks A hundred dollars for three and a half grams of cocaine Is a fucking gift Really?

I don't know. I know people We'll give you a half-eighth for 65 bucks. That's a gram in three-quarters. That's perfect. So you're really good at the metric system, huh? Who? You?

I have no idea what any of these words be. I figured it out. I figured. You figure, see, 30 years ago, they were telling you in the school system already that in 10 years, there was not going to be no more inch or gallons. It was all going to go to metric. You remember that? That was the fear. They were telling us that.

They were threatened to do with that. Yeah. So when cocaine came along in the 80s, I go, oh, here it is. It's changing with drugs. It's changing with drugs It sure it is Quarter ounces, eights Half ounces

Half pounds Remember when you bought fireworks They thought you out Remember what's a lot What's a lot? Yeah 144 A lot of them yeah

No no a lot is like 1224 like a mat 12 by 12 Yeah something like that 14144 packs of It was crazy when you bought like firecrats That's how you learned to do fucking mat Matt

Run, bitch. As a criminal? Sure. That's how I did my best fucking math. You got to do math quick in your fucking head. You call me up. You corner me in a fucking bar on Friday night. And you're all coked up and you give me an earbeat.

And Ari's the Coke dealer. But you don't know that. You corner me at the bar. If fucking Ari opens his mouth, Ari will stab him because you're my commission. You follow me? Not really. So if you come into our corner,

me and Ari over here are coked up. Right. talking about devils and shit. And you looking for me and you go, where can I get some shit? R. He's not going to raise his hand. Because I'm your fucking man. So I'm going to come you over,

tell you to give me a hundred. Let me call the guy. Give me 10 minutes. Go to your car and wait. The guy's right here. I, yeah. The guy's right in front of me. I'm just going to tell you to go wait outside

so I can take something out of the package. That's your profit. That's your fucking cut for bothering me, cuck, cuck. But I'll never let him give it to you because the next time he gives it to you, you're going to say, Jesus Christ. This is a lot better. Every time I get it from Joey, I get a light package. Every time I get it from you, I get the full fucking amount to you. What's the matter, dog, that bung had hit you then.

Oh, yeah. I mind gone wandering. This weed is tremendous, dog. Yeah. We ain't fucking around yet, the church. Lye. The church of when? Church of fucking death.

Do you want to start? That's happening? One of these 125 hours? No, I don't have a hundred twenty-four of them. I want you eat half of it. It's fucking Tuesday night. What are you going to do your life? What the fuck are you going to do with your life?

That's an excuse for every day of the week, by the way. Tuesday, it's the Lord's Brothers Day. Tuesday night, eat half a start. We'll get out of here. We'll go to Morton's and get a steak. I can get some food. I definitely want to get some food at some point. Yeah.

There's a taco place down the corner. There's a fucking Jersey Mike. I'll bet a thousand dollars you're going to end up at that taco place. And you're going to be that too, cocksucker. Yeah, but you said Morton, do you always. You always try to get us with a good one first. We'll call Morton's, but look at the shape of us. You didn't allow us three fucking feats us of death in there and shit.

Oh, I did. When you gave us that gift card last Christmas, I went in there at lunchtime, high as fucking. I was laughing in the waitress's face. By yourself? No, Paula was there, but I was the only one high. Sure. We only had one, three of them today. I said, this is light day.

Like this, look like, Larry. us two stuff together you don't even care you don't even care you guys just like the gummy yeah we ain't got time to care

I'm just hoping there's no horse I love these people do all this fucking investigative reporting before they eat a pocket they drive me crazy it's like the webmd

what the fuck just eat the thing take a chance come on but eat half of a diary you don't eat the whole thing it's Tuesday night you don't want to get that

fucked up he just only get some appetites so those tacos tastes good. Yeah. Yeah, that's more than I normally take. How much do you normally take? 30 milligrams. That's perfect. Really?

You take up, you? 35. You do the spot at the store tonight? Great. No. How come? I'm doing my shoulder mom. Okay. I don't know. I can't believe you get high off 30 milligrams. Yeah.

That was what half those breast ships used to be. It was 25 milligrams. Breast ships were 50, right? Each one was 50? I don't fucking know. They just tried to make a comeback. But I don't know. Each one was 100. No.

So 50 milligrams is what I take. Okay. 50 milligrams is my thing. That's still bloods. 30. I'm already risking. I'm not getting high. But then sometimes now I can get high up that.

It's 50. 50 is my line. Those breast chips were 100 back then. Half them were 50. That was like the dosage. To get fucked up, though. And by the way, Joey Diaz also got fucked up back then off the same amounts. I know.

But I see the, but the breast shirt used to stick together. Everybody said put them in your wallet when you travel. Yeah. You put them in your wallet. there was three to a package. There was two to a pack. There was only ever always two to a pack. So sometimes, I think it was either two or three.

It was for sure to. No, no, no, no, no. It was never stopping two. It always started a two. It was three and two of them got stuck together. You got a fucking four-leaf clover one time, and you thought that's the way they were. It's two.

It's always been two. You wonder if there's also bought in like eight packs at a time. Oh, Ralph would send me in there. He's like, get however much this, try to get me a deal, as much as this is. When the fucking whole thing started, the best edible. were coming out of fucking Cushmore. Cushmore had a gummy bear.

Yeah. That was purple. That came in a baggie that the baggie had like hash roll in it. Like if you crack, your fingers were slippery for a week. Like transmission fluid? Oh, it was worse. Just so good at that. Like, they didn't know what they were doing.

And I'll never forget eating one of those things and tripping on a flight to Pittsburgh. And then they had a brownie that was 100 milligrams, but they didn't really know. They were just killing people. They were a little bodega on fucking off of Hollywood. Oh my God. Like not even on the main street. They weren't even in Coenga. Years later they went to Coenga.

They were the size of this, Lee. Really? That was Cushmore? I went to Cushmore. You took me in Coussman. When I first went to Cushmore, it was on Gower off a Hollywood Boulevard in those little huts they just tore down on the way the sunset. By your fucking favorite chickens plot. Roscoes.

Right. Roscoes you went to? Yeah. Go north towards Hollywood on the right-hand side. Gotcha. That's what Cushmore was. And a little side, they used to have acting studios in there. I had an acting teacher and had to live.

And he was dying. But he would do fucking... That's on his knowledge. But he would do midnight, he would meet me at Levin and coach me for $25. Really? And, dog, I got some fucking callbacks with that dude for big movies. He knew what he was doing. Nice.

They disappeared. What do you think happened doing with his AIDS? Do you think he's okay today? No, he's playing the piano at the Intercontinental. hotel on Tuesday nights. I've always been here. Yeah, that was where the original Kushmore was. Then they moved to

a side street by where... Near Yucca and fucking freighter and shit. They were right by there. They were there. Then they got fucking greedy and they bought the building on the corner. And they bought the downstairs. For the doctor.

For the doctor and upstairs for the weed swap. Oh, you don't have your partner? Well, go get it right now. Go get a doctor. You'll be in an Adelaire. With weave. They had it going on, man. Weed has changed. When you're a doctor. When you go through Hollywood now, you're like, what the fuck are all these billboards?

Billboards for weird. What? We maps is everywhere. Yeah, weed maps is everywhere. But it's also like it's like, fine, so it's around, so it's just a business now. So just fucking, you know, have it around. But no, they've thrown it in your face now. It's like John Gotti and fucking 85.

They're throwing it right in your face. So eventually, my fear is that they're a sanctuary state and Trump's going to fucking bust our balls. Oh, yeah. That'd be awful. that's the fear. My fear is if it gets so over in your face that people just taste, goes,

ugh, and it's gross, fucking stop, and they come down the pendulum swings because of that. Because they're too in the fucking too much. Well, look what's happened to marijuana now. It's like those vapes? Ten years ago, I fucking took my credit card, and I spent $5,000 one month at that weed store on Santa Monica.

We used to go to close to... Zen? Was it Zen? By this comedy store? Well, there was that one, but then there was another one close to the Fairfax and the Santa Monica down there, the original. Oh, yeah, yeah, but they got way overpriced.

Yes, they were way. The pharmacy. Yeah, they were like, what? And you try their $70, $80? I'm like, are you kidding me? Like, it's great. And you try, like, it's like $50. It's like $50.

It's like $50. It's $50. For 60, I want something to kill me. For 70, I've only had that be worth it like once or twice. Lee, I was walking out of there with $2.80. Third eye. It was only 50. 280 a day.

What are you talking about? How is that even possible? 3.15 a day. How much money you would put into it? He said 5,000 a month. 5,000 a month. My wife made me pay it and then she took the card for me for like three months. Oh, my God.

You can't put $5,000. I was buying the ice cream, the chocolate. Remember, they had everything. And he's all right. This was way before I had to do it. This one that still was like, it was like, okay, this was the fuck. Banana bread days?

How much was each edible, though? Like how they possibly... Way, Lee shit was. Unknown, unknown, Lee. Unknown. It was cake. It was, these are pretty strong. It was cake.

It was edibles. And then they had a particular cookie for 15 bucks that Lee would kill you. So how are you spending $1,000? No, no, no, no, fuck. Your place lit me and Nick Yusuf up once, took a little hash cupcake, just like that in one of those little tins, you know, for like Parmesan cheese and shit. Just that, that's how full it was. And we ate it, went to fucking clash of Titans. and both of us just on our own just walked away from the movie.

He caught me out there staring at a fucking somebody's name and handprints. What did you get the peanut butter cup at? At the place that moved by Schrader. What was that place called? The one you took me to. Cushmark. Yeah. We went to that Cushmart and walked to Man's Chinese.

No, they didn't have, they didn't really know what was going on back then. It was like, what? They really didn't know about edible. And delicious. But they're like, these are hash. Hashmed. Yeah. Yeah, they were putting hash.

They used to have these hash cookies, Lee. Three cookies for 10 bucks. Listen to me, I was 418 pounds. I couldn't walk fucking two minutes on the treadmill. So he decided to eat more kick. No, I would go to that. I went to Weight Watchers, and I would go to that treadmill at night, and I would walk. The weight on my knees was so bad.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know about ice on my knees then. I didn't know nothing. And one day I went to Cushmore, and I'm talking to the girl, and she goes, why you're limping? I go, I'm exercising the bicycle. She goes, eat those hash cookies. A bunch of old people have been coming in here and getting those hash cookies. They'll put you on a different planet. It was three cookies for ten bucks.

Lee, if you ate all three cookies. Jesus Christ. Before you work out? No, I would do it when I get home. Okay. That was the first edible that made me gummy. There was two edibles that I was suspect about. That one and the cookies from the pharmacy.

and years later somebody told me that the cookies from the pharmacy they were putting Xanax on them that's why you were getting so fucked up oh wow they put Xanax in the pharmacy cookies yeah this is years ago this is 15 years ago what something every time you wait that cookie from the pharmacy the house specialty cookie you got fucked up wow and years later they were putting they were putting something because people want to say like it always puts me out it's like a perfect Yeah, there's a cooked really great. This is the cookies for you. All natural.

Then from the pharmacy, you and I fucked around with the black chick by Dukes. Down there, down sunset. Yes. The black, how cute chick from the Bronx from the Yonkers? Oh, yeah. No, no, she was a Z. The brothers. Yeah, then they all went over the Zend.

Oh, right, right. Then they all went over the Zend. Yeah, she was cool. She was beautiful. She was great. Her eyes were always red. She would always be stoned to the guilt. Oh, yeah.

It's like, it's like, hey, what are you on right now? What are you on right there? That's why you used to tell her. She looked so happy. Yeah, you tell me that. She used to have beautiful nails, and she would tap on the glass, the weed she'd have. You'd go, like, what are you smoking? She'd go right here, baby.

That's, remember they used to have weed and vending machines? Yeah. The joints and the grams were in the vending machine. Believe, this had to be... It's not without time. They're over there. This had to be... Eighths or better.

2003... And they weren't dry? They were good? There is? In those days, there was no... The stuff in the other... And the stuff in the ovens were... No, no, they replace it every day.

They go through it every day. Every day. I used to, I was getting, Lee, I was getting a huge. I was eating a chocolate bar every day. Well, yeah. And in those days, they didn't tell you the milligrams, but the chocolate was delicious. They didn't tell you the calories either. Were you sharing it or something?

Like, how could you get through $100? Fuck you. Fuck you. I would give a few buds away. Oh, so you were. No, an eighth would be, from there would be 90. An eighth would be 90? 90 to 100.

So that includes regular weed, okay. Do you remember Obama? I never knew where I liked that place. There was a Russian place. That place was never that good. There was a Russian place across the street from Rouse with the hot-looking Natasha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Russian chubby girl.

They let you in one at a time. They buzz you in to their cage. Yeah, that place was great. They had the anti-delora stuff first. They had the other guy stuff first. Both those brands were great. And they also had Obama 10 years ago. They had on sale prices?

They had $30 a gram for Obama. They won it back then. They had the on-sale prices were like Wednesday. If you come on Wednesday, you get like everything half or whatever it is. You know where they are now? Where? Sunset, Herbal. Up to clota.

They're not still there? No, they closed up. They were the same owners. You get the peanuts, the peanuts, the coated with stuff. You could just eat them in front of people. No one would know what you were doing. And then, Lee, after that, we went to, I used to go to a place by Justin Fortune's gym.

It's still there. If you go to Sierra Bonita and Sunset, there's like a coffee shop, but there's a head shop. It's down the corner from 7-Eleven on Curzon. It has been there since you moved here, Ari. Really? You have been in there to get papers at one time or another. It's close to El Camadre, a block and a half up from El Camperger. Yeah.

They have a back room. And the kid was a chef at that real popular restaurant on Robertson and fucking, like, Wilshire or Santa Monica. Back when we moved here. And something happened. He started messing around with edibles. So he quit his chef job. And he talked himself and that guy, Pete.

It was big Pete. He weighed like 600 pounds. Him and Pete opened up a weed store. They had the girl that they just did a show on real TV about a Vietnamese girl that was growing grain-a weed. That was that broad. He was getting the weed from her. She had a strain of weed that was tremendous.

Remember we shot those episodes. Did you ever shoot those? episodes of the weed store with me and Edmund San Juan and Felipe and it was at that weed place. Oh, really? To make a long story short. On fucking Tuesdays, he would make fresh edibles every week. He was a chef of Nari. And he had devised a way to make like Italian ice edibles.

He made like cream de brule edibles. Yeah, really? Yeah, he was the first. He was fucking knocking it out of the park. and that's when I used to go down there at 11 he'd give me like $15 worth of stuff for $10. I'd eat it because I was such a govone and I would go to acupuncture in those days

1145 every Tuesday and pass out because I'd be so high from the edibles as soon as you put a needle in me I'd just fucking pass out really that was a great place and then once they went under where did I go the Cushmore? I stayed at Cushmore for years

Yeah, Cushmore wasn't bad And then once I move to the valley. Like the Russians are like Kushmart. I like Zen a lot. They were like my hometown. They were pricey, but they never had anything bad. And they hit you a deal sometimes. They're like, what's like you taught me how to do?

I'd be like, what's killing people these days? And they'd be like, actually, it's fucking $45. We'd like, remember Chetrusie fruit one time. It was like, it's getting great reports. Like, all right, came in anything to that. And it was. It was so good. Sometimes you got to talk to like this place up here, the Russians.

They had a girl that looked like a runner. away. Yeah. And I'll bet you any amount of money this girl was her run away. She wasn't good

looking, but she was very sweet. And every time I went in there, all the other girls were, hi, you don't hold on the other way

for months. I would just go to her and go, do me a favor, give me the best weed. And she would come with some weed that look kind of weird,

but I'd take it home and go, woo! And she just had a nose for it. Most girls, that tolerance is shit. Yeah. So you go in there.

You go in there. they tell you, this is the best stuff, and you bring it home, and you're like, this doesn't do nothing to me. Well, the girl weighs 90 pounds. She does a hit of the worst shit on the fucking shell. She'll get high. But some of those girls are professionals. You just got to pick them out, like that little runaway chick.

That bitch was a reef of professional drag. I would go in there and she'd go, hold on, I got something for you. And sometimes it looked a little questionable, but I never said a word. I always bought an eighth. And sure enough, the next day. And you have those, you find, If you go to the same weed store

and you build a relationship with them and they watch you like years ago Oh you'd like this kind, you always like that Yeah. That's that Maui, this does sort of the same thing But yeah. The best weed from Kushmore, what they were known for was Matt's OG.

The Matt's number one OG. Number one OG. That's what they were known for. Yes. If you smoke that all the time, your tolerance is going to be up there. Those are the ones. Matt's number one OG and Third Eye.

And Third Eye. Third Eye was like When everything else was $90, third eye was 50. And third eye, the first time I bought a bag of third eye, I didn't know what was going on. I couldn't breathe. You know, there's just certain brands that come along

to these weed stops, these weed stores, that they buy eight pounds of them, they don't know the guy, the guy came in, and you know what? He undersold them on it. It was a shitty price, you know, the guy just wanted to bail. But the weed turns out to be superb.

Yeah. Weird of the, I don't. judge a lot of the weed by what it looks at he still talks about the fucking trip he had on that. No, no, no, no, that weed was and it never came back again. It didn't. My favorite was like, people ask you like, is it Sativa Indica? And you were like,

yeah, it'll get you to all those places. It's not even like that. It'll take everywhere. Listen, man. Yeah, you don't know. That third eye was so good. I like that. The match is around more. The hybrids have to have a dominant whatever.

The indica has to be the The hybrids have to be indica dominant for me to really enjoy them. Catevas, there's catevas that I smoke and nothing happens. But there's catevas that I smoke. And they get me higher than the indica's. I just have to hunt them out. And sometimes it's by smell. It used to be New York diesel.

New York sour diesel. Okay, that sour diesel when people had in abundance. But then people started renaming it and I lost the original strain. Yeah, I just bought sourdise. diesel a couple weeks where I gave it to somebody unlike Sativas. If you love certain strands, I'm not that into sour diesel. Like, why don't you? I never like sour diesel that much.

There's something that's... I like headband. I like Maui a lot. Like, why didn't you buy Matto G seeds? Like, why didn't you do someone like that? Why don't you buy fucking stocks and cows? I don't know where I can grow it to you. Does he look like Johnny Groer to you?

He could if it's a number one. Strike an image in your head of Johnny Grower. Right. You picture that guy? Yes. You know what he does, what his like houses looks like? Johnny Grower. Yeah.

Okay, you ready? Right. Open your eyes and look at Joey Diaz. Tell me, does that look like that guy do you? What's like Johnny Grow it to you? He's like Johnny Overseer. Let's, let me explain something to you, Lee. First off.

He's not Johnny Grower. When you grow, when you grow marijuana. That's a full-time thing. You got to experiment a few times. You got to get somebody who knows. It's a lot of effort. It costs money. I'm not going to just keep it in your freezer for an old.

Or you can just be like a lot. What do you mean? Do you mean to buy a lot? I'll grow it. What are you saying? Well, no, just to like, just to keep it. You mean to grow it. I'm in a closet at a later date.

Maybe not then, but just like knowing what you know now. No, I still wouldn't fucking grow it. I look like Johnny Grow it, do you? I've heard people... I would have put someone in touch with a grower and be like, you can't get that seed too because it's... You grow up a seed and give me a percentage of it. Yeah, like, I've heard you guys talk about this weed for years.

I got some Afghani seeds like you want to... But I don't have time to fuck. This weed is like the ring of gondor. You know how many times I sprinkle seeds on dust? And a year later, I came by and there was pop plants, but there was nothing. There was no buds. There was nothing. It's just like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

You got to put hydrogen in there and feed the stuff. Who the fuck? I got time at 54 to learn a home homeowner thing. I'm going to learn something. I'll play the guitar. You're not going to do that. I was thinking about it the other day I'm doing. Learn to play the guitar?

I'm thinking about it. You should do it. You know what, man, I really enjoy going to Jih Tijuana right now. I really like writing. Yeah, but maybe after a jitzu class, you tell all the guys, like, hey, guys, sit around. I play a song for you guys. Fuck that. You had a nice, tough time working out.

Take a load off. Fuck that. Take a load off. You fucking play for them right there. I'm gonna play the fucking ukulele. You can do it once you finish the book. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, guys, you know me as Joey Diaz, but today, I'm Johnny

ukulele. Hit it. And then maybe you get somebody else who plays, like... Is he a sexy ukulele player? He holds his own. He's there. He's in the picture. People have to talk about him.

You're talking about who to fuck. That's hysterical. the sports heroes were as a badminton player. There was. Jack Purcell was a top level badminton player. I did not know. I mean, I know that guy's name. How big did you have to get as a badminton player?

I know your name 50 years later. I don't think they still make Jack Purcells. They do make Jack Purcells. For sure. I've seen him. Nobody knows who the fuck Jack Persson. I didn't know who he was. I found out today.

Yeah, but I know I've seen the shoe. I didn't know what that meant. For sure. I want to buy another pair of chucks right now. I think they wouldn't. I haven't had chucks in years. Really? But I don't think they would work out for me now.

Because the no comfort. Yeah, no. Put a fucking thing in there. New balance sells, one of those companies, sells a great fucking thing for your shoes. I had them. I got to get a new pair of those. That's all I wear. If I walk now, I got to wear New Balance.

If I fucking dress on stage, I got to wear my adidas. But I got to tell you some, I do two shows. My fucking Achilles tendon hurts the next morning. My Bresiders starts coming back. She what? Miss Pat said about Charlottesville. What? She goes, relax white people.

Nobody's trying to replace you. Who else would buy a new balance? We have wide feet. I can't help it. I don't know. Yeah, we have white feet. I don't get that. Because no black people will buy new balance.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. I just got that. See? I'm so happy. We fucked and smoked some refilis, Sire. Always happy. So what are we doing tomorrow?

doing shows a show about what schools schools and what's the name of this show um back to school Ari Shafir's renamed Storyteller show but no you're not supposed to tell you by the line of some surprise who gives a fuck that's fine I want a surprise I'll wait on fucking 12 again

okay fair enough What's wrong with you surprise What are we talking about? Schools what are you talking about think about what this was going to come out before this I do the thing. When are you going to put this out?

Whatever you want. Tomorrow afternoon. When are you planning and putting this out? Whatever. Well, they'll do it afterwards. Sure, whatever. Let me just do it after Wednesday or Wednesday night. Put it out of Wednesday at 8.

You're fine. Yeah, it won't be fine. I probably talk about it. I was in school, not lying for like a while, trying to not lie for a week. See if I could do it. I had these dumb challenges I would do it for myself. When you were in school?

Yeah. Grandma school, high school. College. College? Yeah. Let's see if I couldn't lie for a week. Now you're a terrapin? Yeah.

All four years? Nope. First year, yeshiva University. Yeshivas. Yeah. And then you transferred it. Then I tried. I lost my religion, boom.

Got to go. There's a waste of money now. Let's go to state school. You lost your religion. Yeah. Like R.M.? Like R.A. Yeah.

Yeah. When you lost your religion, what did your parents say to you? Not happy about it. not happy about it is like that scene in rounders what when he told him he was going to be a gambler when he told him he needed the money and he gave the money

and he goes before you give you the money let me tell you a story I went through jeshiva but I didn't want to do it oh yeah you forgot about that they forgot about that see if they got it online rounders Matt Damon

what was that he just died that actor He just Martin Landau Who the fuck do you think You're dealing with I used to I was a fan of Martin Landown Since I was a kid It was on Mission Impossible So what should I put it?

Rounders and what should I put it? Rounders, Martin Landau Martin Landau And what's his fucking name? What's the guy's name in that movie? Matt Damon Forget that of course Who fucking people?

People think that I don't know what I'm doing here I know I know lines of movies Different situations While Lee finds it Let me fucking give you a... That one. Destiny chooses us. Destiny chooses us. Well, real quick. Let me give you a quick shout-out.

Quick shout-outs. Ricky Bobby, Andrew Joseph O'Cocke. Chango Bus, 26. Mike Rayback. Tril Chico, 14. Jamie Foxton, Chris Tent, and my man, Jacob Rogers. You know your uncle Joey loves your cock suckers.

You never saw this leaf? No, I haven't. This is what I'm talking about. Turn it up and press blood. Okay. I love of Christ. It's quite a prodigy, the pride of my yeshiva. The eldest said I had a 40-year-old's understanding of the midrash by the time I was 12.

But by the time I was 13, I knew I could never be a rabbi. Why not? All I understood of the town, I was so God there. Couldn't lie to yourself. Yours is a respectable profession. Devastated by mother sent me a... Eventually, I... Life's work.

He's so fucking good, my life. Man, no. Get over it? I always hope that I would find some way to change their minds. Old school Jews, bro. You're done. You're doing it all over again. Did you make the same choices?

Choice. A destiny chooses us. Damn! That's what I'm talking about, though. You never really saw that movie about poker? You want to beat Johnny Poker? You never saw Rounders? No.

Rounders is good. The woman in it is quite annoying. The blonde. The brunette? She's in the blonde. The blonde. Yeah, the blonde. She's awful.

Every time she's on screen, I want to just, like, pass forward in the movie theater. She was a cutie for a while. Yeah, but that's all she had this movie. You're just so annoying. She was just down her the whole time. You know, she was in Donnie Brascoe. Really? She was like an extra, but she had a part.

That was her first movie. They didn't give her a line. They probably cut the line out for the fucking movie. I got to piss. You don't play poker no more, huh? It's been a while. I got to get back into it. If I was here more, I'd play more.

When you went overseas, nothing, no poker places, no casinos? No, I did some gambling on this weird bingo type game at a market in East Timor. Yeah. It's just weird to put money on a number. I figured it out how they how to play. I didn't like solve it or anything,

but I figured out and they spin a die. I hit like five to one my first, and then I was playing on house money. They're all staring at the fucking white guy. I just came across, like, I left in the morning once, and I came across like a, you know, just like a once a week market, and they're all just fucking playing that for extra cash. Hell yeah.

I remember that. They were all like, fucking white guy won, five to one. You were really getting into the poker for a while. Oh, yeah, I would win some fucking tournaments. And life got in no way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Life gets in the way. It's like a little hobby, no, nobody knew who you were.

You just go get high. Yeah. Eat, and eat high at every single break in a tournament. I mostly play tournament. every two hours is a 10 minute break and I was like they're like all right I'm breaking fucking run to my car just immediately smoke the Maui

hour was perfect for that I could free people's souls if I was on that Maui and just go just for like eight and a half minutes hear the alarm and then just run back in breathing out the whole way set right back down at my seat and then just fucking see through people all in time

no I'm good call I know what you have Ace 9. Like, Ace 10. Like, yeah, I was pretty close. I got you. How long was you play for? What's the longest tournament?

Seven to like 3 a.m. 8, 9, 10, 11. Oh, you don't know overnight. No, overnight. I did, I cashed at a World Series event once. And you had to come back the next day. And then another time, too, in Hollywood Park, in those qualifiers in some places.

It was like Poker Month. It was, no, it was at Commerce. And I went the next day. And then I was short-stacked. I think they changed the tournament time when I thought I was. I were overslept, so they were fucking chipping me down without me being there. And I ran in, and I sat down and fucking Bruce Buffer, Michael Buffer, is at the next table? And he's like, hey, Ari, how are you doing?

I'm fucking playing in a hand. And I lost concentration. And I just fucking made a dumb move and dumped off the rest of my chair. He came over with the fucking, I'm in the middle of a fucking, at the final, just let me alone, man. Final table, not now. Have you ever got to play back? Is that? No, I've never went over there.

I think they play for, like, actual money. Yeah, they play for money. I got, like, $200 to play for a tournament. If I win... Bring your drinks. They let your cigars. They got music. They got food I heard.

I just... I'm not a poker. I'm not a card player. I'm like sitting there and then just... Most of the hands are just full, so you just sit there and, like, think about stuff. The fuck do you think about? You're playing cards.

Yeah, but then you're just out of a hand for, like, four and a half, five minutes. You can eat right then. Or you can just, like, think about shit. Wasn't headphones? So relaxing. I always started. So relaxing and nerve-wracking.

Yeah. You get your big hands like, oh, your heart repeat. But dude, I play with Jerry Bus. I played tournaments with Jerry Bus. I play people who had way more money than me. But you all buy in for the same amount. And when you're out, you're out. So it's an equalizer.

$2.25 plus dump $50, god damn add-ons for no reason. And then it's like, we're all equal. You bust you're out. So it doesn't matter how much money you got at home, or you own the Lakers? I had nothing. We're both going to try to go far in here. Yeah, it was great.

Such an equalizer. Those were fun on. When you played poker, that was it, no blackjack. No. No fucking baccarat. No, why? The odds are against you. You don't get a fucking drunk Mexican on payday coming in

to change the odds significantly in your favor. You don't get that. Like you do it, the fucking $100 no limit tables. Oh, those are good. You get one of those on payday, dumb? Like, how come you guys, or even the limit? How come you guys are all winning And we're not

You guys talking to each other? No man, I just sat down with this guy I have no idea what you're talking about Well then why's all the money over there Why are you playing fucking Jack 7 so much What the fuck is wrong with you, bro? You're bad They're just drunk

They feel on top of the world Oh shit out, ship it Every time you lost a hand It'd be an investment in your future Because they fucking Oh see I know I can beat this guy That's right, you can Oh, you catch those magical pay days

On Friday night nights We'd go down after the comedy store Go at 2 a.m. Go at 2 a.m. Come back at like, you know, especially if it's on a weekend, you don't have to worry about traffic. We get to the point where it's like,

Caparillo would be like, we got to leave now if we're going to leave to be traffic, or we're here for another five or six hours. Because we're not going to drive back at eight. So it's either leave at six or leave at 10. And it's like, let's keep going. I'm open.

Let's keep going. And we just go until 10. Who gave a shit? Me, Cap, Renazisi, we'd all go down. It was great. And then eventually it was just me. they all stopped Lawrence would go a lot

we'd play tournaments a lot give signals to each other at the fucking table you tap each other's trying to tell each other if we had Ace King aces or Kings and we always fuck it up Vegas yeah I went to everyone

to the World Series he cashed in a tournament too how much you make I don't know you make it like if you just cashed it's so big it's really like it's a $1,500 tournament you'll probably make like $2,200

You know, just the cash. But then if you wait another hour now, because of $3,500 and a whole group of people go out there, it pays off, like, place like $2.50 through, like, you know, $185, pays the same. So it just like, it starts going. And then you start raising up. And there, if you're smart, if you just slow down, slow down, you know, you don't have to make big moves. Play real hands you have. That's what I say.

And then you just go up, go up, go up, and money until now you're down to, like, three tables. Like, all right, now it's fucking per place. You know? now I can try to make some moves and get ahead but just outlast a bunch of the fucking suckers who get nervous on day two who talked to fucking buffer and fucking get distracted wait for those fucking suckers to go out

God I should have done better in that And it wasn't there on time Still haunts you? Still haunts me You gonna make it come back to poker? Yeah, fuck yeah, I just got excited about it See? Yeah, man those are so fun

I would go Sunday and it was like If I got out of there They'd play 7 o'clock tournaments or was it four of that tournaments at Hustler. Hustler had the best long tournaments because you really had to like bide your time. It wasn't like a quick go-go-go-go-all-in shove-fest. But if I was out by 11,

heads at the comedy store, go up on Potluck. If I wasn't out by 11, I'm just there. I'm in the money. You know what I mean? I'm fine. I'll take Sunday off. Yeah, those would end to like two,

one or two. God, those were fun. So if you know poker and those... I played up just off... I had a crick. credit card, I would take money off the credit card, put it back on. I would keep money at Hustle Casino. So I'm like, I need 200 out of my tail.

When you're one big, it's like, I'm even taking this with me. You guys keep it. I'll sign out. Wow. What was your question? So, but if you know poker, so those drunk guys who come to the table? I was only better than bad people. But they're not going to ruin your night by like hitting on an extra?

Oh, no, they will. And it'll ruin your night because you're like, fuck, fuck, they got me. Sometimes they'll get you. They'll just go all in on anything, just for the fucking fun of it. So you just wait, pick up like real hands. Oh. and then they win they beat you on a hand we were down to like you don't really go below five people but you go up to nine below five nobody who's a jackpot so for some reason nobody wants to play but like it was one guy sitting on one side and then it ended up being four people over here like up like here with one guy alone and that guy was just a drunk dude in a suit he just kept like call somebody like raised three he'd be like all in with like a hundred on top and you just wait and if you had a hand you're like yeah call and he'd have like you know 106 you'd have like you know 10 6 you'd be like all in you'd be like all in you're like all in you'd have like 10 6 you're like you're like you're like you're You'd have pocket jacks or an Ace King.

You're like, I'll do that. And then every once in a while he'd hit and you're like, fuck it, fine, whatever. That money's still coming this way. We would just split up his money. It was like, hey, nobody's fighting each other. We don't know each other, but we're all taking that guy until he's dry. Oh, those would tip the scales in your favor so much when you saw that. What do you got tonight?

Instead to go down there? Yeah, go down and take a ride. Smoke a little butter whiskey. Eat a little bit more of the star later. You got on there about 11 o'clock. No, no tournament to go down there. Oh, yeah, but I can play the 100. Yeah.

Hollywood Park's closed. They're building there. But hustler's open and Commerce is the place. Commerce is the place. And Commerce has bimbop. They have Korean. Bimbab at commerce is legitimately good. Lawrence will attest to that too.

What's the bibbop? The sandwich? Bim bop, no. It's just weird salad with rice, egg, kimchi, and then you eat it separate a little bit and hot stuff. And then you mix it all. So good. It's the recipe is to a tremendous fort.

You know, kimchi and egg. The shit that comes out of your asshole. There's some seaweed in there. There's some seaweed. You might as well go to the garlic restaurant eat with those whole garlic balls. That first fucking shit is collagulated. What's going on with you?

What's next, dog? I go back to New York. All right. I start my tour finally in 2018. When do you start your call? I'm going to do some storytelling show in Denver. All right. Get five guys.

And then I go to the Wilbur and Foxwoods and do like an East Coast run. You know, she'll be cool to go back on the road. Doing that Joker's cruise, that'll be cool. What is it? When? Oh, first week in November. You've been going. No, I never went.

I'm going to. But you've been going to. You told me about it. Seems like fun. Everyone just hanging out. Have you been on a cruise ship before? No. No.

The last ship my people were on was the one who was sent back. We need. I'm fucking scared. to go on a cruise show. I went on the Disney cruise in 2000. Boom, parts of the Caribbean. I've been on that. That counts.

I don't know. Disney Cruise. Wait, what does the Disney cruise go? We go to like Disney. They're like an island in the Caribbean. Oh, for a real cruise? Yeah, no, it's a real cruise. How old are you?

12, I guess. Were you happy? I got a pissed. I guess, yeah. It was pretty cool. It was pretty cool for kids. We went for the, uh... That sounds awesome.

Whatever it was called. The millennium. Are you spraying that from your own fart? I didn't leave that open. I didn't fart. What do you didn't fart? You did it in an ounce off the top of your chair? That was a couple of it.

That was an hour ago. Yeah, but it sticks around. No, it don't lurk. This is a good fucking night. Relax. Nobody even smelled the original fucking odor. What are you talking about? When I dropped that fucking egg before, nobody even sniffed it.

Nobody knew what was going on. Nobody knew what was happening. Stop exaggerating. Who's exaggerating? You are. You're saying that it smells like farts in here. Don't smell like farts. No, I didn't say nothing.

You're the one who sprayed for breeze. Yeah, spray for breeze. Just, you know, give it a little fucking air in here. Sometimes you got to air out the fucking room. Don't forget, people. You're looking to get healthy. You're looking for supplements. You don't know what to do.

Do me a favor. Go to holladad.com right now. Between the alpha brain, the Shroom Tech Sport, the Shroom Tech immune, the MCT oil. I mean, it just, they're cutting edge, they're innovative, and you know what, they're healthy for you, and it's tremendous stuff.

That hem-force protein, whether it's the chocolate or the asaii vanilla, it'll put a fucking hem in your skirt. You understand me? They got club bells, they got kettlebells. They got, what do they got now? They got the new Iron Man or something like that. The Mace?

And they have the Star Wars? Star Wars, fucking kettlebells. You could throw them up in the air 55,000 times. Listen, go to Onet.com right now. Pressing. Church. I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm going to give you a 10% off your order

delivered to your house, all right? You try that fucking AlfaBrand. If it ain't order, what we say it is, you tell them. Tell them what it does. We don't even want the product back. We'll send you the money. Alpha brain opens up your mind.

It's a bunch of new tropics and whatnot, which I don't understand. That's a do for you. That's show Rogan's world. You know what, man, it makes you more focused and it makes you think a little bit clearer. And you have to, you know, take them for 60 days.

You know, it's a great little thing for the fucking money. And you start thinking better? Yeah, you start thinking better. Maybe you're a little cloud. Maybe you got hitting the head a few times. You smoke too much weed. Maybe you smoke too much weed. There's always a fucking dilemma.

Besides that, that's it, Ari Shafir. You know, now, all right, so, Rasha Shachshan, what's in December? December. Hanukkah, probably. But now all these holidays shift back and forth. So we have Sukkis in between Yom Kippur and Hanukkah. You get Sukkis, Sukkot, in this year, first week of October. which is very early.

Sometimes it'll go to like Thanksgiving. Reform people don't do those. Reform people don't do it. Well, you got to build a hut. Well, no, we have them. To commemorate being in the desert and staying, I guess, in huts. And when do you build the hut? Your back porch, if you have like suburbs.

Did you build the hut? Yeah, for sure. Did you stay back there? Tarp around it. You wanted to try to sleep in there one night. If it got too cold, rainy, just get out of there. Nothing you can do. But it's just palm leaves over the top as the roof.

So you have to be able to see the stars do it. It's great. It was too warm. Then you get bees. Actually, maybe October 4th is like in the middle. Horatius. Yeah. And then you have Hanukkah commemorates, reclaiming the temple, driving the fucking Romans out.

The little fucking Jewish army driving the Romans out. Middle Maccabees. Guerrilla warfare. Corrilla radio. How long is Hanukkah? Eight days. Eight days. But you can do any.

There's no, that's not a holiday where there's stuff you can't. You can't, there's no day where you can't turn it on off lights. Chanaica doesn't have any of those. Oh, really? There's no Shabbat. There's no special, like, holiday Shabbat. for Hanukkah. You still got Shabbat when it's Shabbat.

Saturday is still Shabbat on Hanukkah. But you can do the lights? No, not on Shabbat. Okay. But on Rosh Hashanah, even if Rosh Shana falls on Tuesday and Wednesday, like those are like Shabbats. Gotcha. So you can't turn out of lights Saturday or Tuesday or Wednesday, depending on when it falls

out. Yom Kippur can never fall out on Shabbat because it's too sad for a good, a good weekly fun time. Now Shabbat is in September? Shabbat. Shabbat is Sabbath. How come they do Shabbat the festival now in September? That's Chabad.

Habad. Habad, whatever the fun. Well, it's a different thing. That's an organization. Okay. Shabbat is just means Sabbath. They have a rehab for drugs, Shabbat. Shabbat, yeah.

Shabbat, yeah. Walsha or some shit. Because I did a thing for them and they showed, they gave me paperwork of what services they provided. Oh, really? Yeah, they do good stuff. Yeah, they do great stuff over that. They stink, but they're good people. Do they have some Kekto?

Yeah, because especially in the summertime, they don't wash, it's too expensive to wash those things all the time. They're heavy. And so they fucking sweat in them and they stink. That black suit. The black suit, man. You take it off and stands up by itself, though. Those pants stand up by themselves, those fucking things. What about the ones with like the fur hats?

What do those smell like? Those smell like dumpster garbage mixed with the sparrick. What the fuck you think they smell like? But on the baseball app for a weekend, I agree with it. And take that hat off and sniff it on Saturdays. And it ain't like they have squeaky clean hair to begin with. That's dandruff-ridden hair. It smells like tow cheese.

Their head smells like toe cheese. I wonder what you have to do to get the smell out of it. Did you just buy a new hat. You got buried that. Shoot yourself. Yeah. And they bury you with that suit. No, you don't get a new hat.

I guess you get it cleaned. I guess you got it professionally cleaned. Wow. What a fucking extra expense. So you're ready for football season? I know you're a big time. They beat the Giants. Yeah, they'd be a huge game.

Huge game. 19 to 3. Dominated them. Dominated them. 35 minutes, 25 minutes to get a time position. Dak played well. Zieg played well. Hopefully he's not going to get suspended because they're going to call the person who interviewed

the woman who said, does nothing happen here? They refuse to call that. So they have to go to court now. Now the NFL, all they do is say, listen, if you're going to get down on us for not punishing people enough, every time it's public, we're just going to punish people as hard as we can. And then if the courts want to reverse it, then that's on them. But technically we did our part.

So let's just fucking punish people without any sort of proof. Who knows? That's what I'm reading. So hopefully he's back for a little. But not only is it a win, it's a Giants lost, and they're our chief competitor. Them in Philly. You learn something new every day.

I think I had decent hopes for this season for the first time, maybe ever. After that win, if Zieg doesn't get banned, I got high hopes for this season. But they do this to me every year, every year. I was in fucking Myanmar watching updates of the Green Bay playoff game, finding a Wi-Fi somewhere and just being there with a blanket over me. It's so cold in the hills, just refreshing every 30-7. to look for like what the next play is.

I mean, he hit them in the Dan Bailey, best player on the quarterback, hit that fucking field goal. I'm like, yeah, start it up. And then right back for a no, fuck. They always let me down. See, we don't be a fucking giant fan. No, Cowboy. Cowboy, whatever the fuck.

Yeah, but they always let me down. They always let me down. What are you going to do? 20 plus years. Yeah, exactly. What was the last time Cowboys won? It's the 90s, man. It's the 90s.

They weren't 93. That's when they went a playoff game. No. No, they won one playoff game now. Yeah, 93, and then that was it. With Leon Lett. He did something. That was such a ball.

Yeah, but it was in a blowout win. So it was like, ha ha, you fucking idiot. People booked it. Something was wrong with that. Oh, it could have been a record for most points ever scored. Booking people fucking. Oh, yeah, they over under. Maybe it ruined.

That's the last time they won 93. Did they win any in the 80s? Yeah. Yeah, they might have won. The 70s was their year, too. Seventies was them just behind Pittsburgh. But that's a history shit. I didn't know that.

I followed them in like the fucking shitty, like 90s where they won one game. Those were bad. They were terrible. And then they got this guy, Herschel Walker. And they didn't build a team around them. They made an amazing trade to the Minnesota Vikings. And they pretty much took half the Vikings franchise. First round picks the next few years.

Second round picks every other year. Third round picks every other year. Just this massive thing. Plus all these players. for this guy who was a USFL number one guy went for 2,0003 yards in the USFL. He was great, as well,

he could catch and can run out of the backfield. He was great. But Cowboys just built a franchise off that and it was before a free agency, so you had who you had. And they drafted all these great players and they got all these great players. They'd keep anybody they want,

and they just built this team. Leon Led, Emmett Smith. They had all these great players, Michael Irvin, and they weren't going anywhere. These are all Hall of Famers, and they were just there. Or they get somebody through a trade after that. But they built their franchise on that Hershal Walker trade. And then they were good.

Jerry Johnson came in. He was great. Then when we bumped into Hershal Walker at the fucking game, and I said, to you watch, he's going to say hello to me. Oh, yeah, at the UFC. Because I knew him from the fucking USFL. Wow. God.

Well, my brother's time to get the fuck out of here. We got shit to do and people to see. What are going to eat? We're going to go to, uh, a taco place and get some carnita tacos. Dude, if you're going to be there in the fucking November, I gotta show you this one pastrami. Done.

Okay. Done, where is it? It's by me. It's not too much. It's not Kansas. It's right by me. And it's just like so succulent and good. And it's not like a giant sandwich.

It's just a fucking normal, good sandwich. Yeah. But it's got a little, it's a bit of crowd on there. They make it their way. Harry Onitis. We'll go there and then we'll go to fucking do the storyteller show on Thursday night. Yeah.

How's that for you? Where are you at this week? I think dates you want to plug where you're here? This weekend, no. I got nothing. Oh, we announced the All Things Comedy Festival last week of October in Phoenix. So it's the 25th through about the 30th or 29th.

In Phoenix, look for tickets right now. I don't know. Google it. I don't know what the official website is. But Google it and get tickets. There's a bunch of fucking podcasts going out there. Burr's going to be out there. I'm going to be out there.

I don't know who else. Doug Benson. Dick Benson. I think Burr. Burroughs will be there. Yeah, a couple people going to be out there. Just a podcast festival.

All Things Comedy. Yeah, I guess that's the only one. Me, I'll be at the Cherokee Casino in fucking Salam Springs this weekend. West Silam Springs. West Silam Springs. This Saturday night,

9 o'clock, and then two weeks from now. I'll be at the Pittsburgh motherfucking improv. September 27, 28th, and 29, something like that. I don't know. Go to fucking Improv.

com. and get your dates. All right, people. Always a pleasure when Ari Shafir comes on. You know, Lee Syatt's still looking handsome and never. Handsome and never. Handsome of the never. That's what I meant to fucking say.

All right. Right away, people want to correct my English. Anyway, let me talk to you. You've been here for 35 years. Ever since we started this podcast, people have been asking us for advice, especially football advice. Really?

Every fucking week, especially when it comes to the Patriots, the Cowboys, to, the, you know, the Browns, whatever. Let me tell you this. Where you're betting at is just as important or who you're betting on. So that's why I always tell people to go to mybooky.orgie.

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I could have told you. they're going to cover over seven point underdogs at home. What did I do? They lost by three. And they have the fastest payouts. Seriously, just two business days after you win, you collect. It's that easy. You know who's going to win, right? Lay down some cash and win big today.

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Go to my bookie.orgie. Right now and let's get this party started. I don't want no fucking odds, all right? I already know who's going to win. I'll see you motherfuckers next week. I'll see your other cock suckers over in Chilo On Springs at Cherokee Indian Casino. Where is that?

You know where it is. In Oklahoma, don't play stupid. Go hiking afterwards. Sure, I'm gonna hike through the fucking hell. And stick on the fucking cactus. I'm not going nowhere. Yeah. Leave me the fuck alone.

Put some music on. Tell her I said hi. I love you, brother. Thanks for coming on. Thank you for being a gentleman. Yeah. You know, I'm a gentleman. That's right.

What are you going to play now? Eat the rest of that story. Forces. Do what they told you. Now you do what they told you. Now you do what they told you. Now you do what they told you