The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #517 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: September 19, 2017

Eleanor Kerrigan, Comedian and co-host of the "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for three free snacks with your first order.   Meundies.com - Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order.     Recorded live on 09/18/2017.
  

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When you go to naturebox.com slash Joey. That's naturebox.com slash Joey. For three free snacks with your first order. That's naturebox.com slash Joey. Kick that motherfucker mulee. Oh shit. D. Here we go, motherfuckers. Here we go. Oh shit. Get the finger on the morties feel. I could deeply dig no walls only the bridge. My supper dish, my crooketish wins. Sing it, baby. It's the church of what's happened now, cock suckers.

Monday, the 18th. Here we go. Oh, shit. Kick that mulee. Here we go, motherfuckers. What's up, you fucking savages? Uncle Joey here. It's Monday the 18th.

Tomorrow's the 19th by the time you listen, so get your shit together. If you came to the Cherokee Indian Casino last weekend, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I had a great time. I'm sorry I couldn't take the joints, but we had eyes on us from all fucking directions. The Cherokee Casinos, the Cherokee's Day watch you, you know what I'm saying? In the house, we got my girl, Eleanor Martinez, a.k.a. Eleanor Kerrigan and the Christ Killer, the original.

Lee Syatt, direct from Israel and shit. I was just on our mission to Israel. You need to fucking, today they got together. Did you see? They put an airport. The Air Force put a fucking base in Israel's the first ever deal like that. They're up in that game. Did you help out?

No, he don't know. I can neither confirm nor deny. They got their shit tight to attack Korea now. They're going to be working with the fucking Jews, Krav Maga coming at you. My dad fought in Korea. He's ready to get back in. He says he's suing up right now, girl. I'll get in there.

That's fucking Taekwondo ain't going to work. against those fucking, those crowd mcgaugh motherfuckers. But anyway, we're here with queer. We're talking about an interesting thing. Listen, man, everybody strives to be the best they could be. Right. When you start playing that competition game and comedy. Or just shit on other people.

It's the shitting on other comics and the, uh, comparing, comparing yourself to what you have and what you don't have to other comics. The same thing works in life. Yeah. While you're focusing on what you don't have, than they have, you're fucking up. Instead of focusing on what you need

and how you're going to fucking get it. Yeah. You know, when I walk to the store, and I walk down the aisle, and Sebastian, Bill Burr, and the fucking savage that we had on the show, Ron White. Oh, how great is he?

You know, what do you want me to do? You want me to sit there and cut a chicken's head and throw it on their ankles? You know what do you want me to do? No. Or you can't. You can't sit there and say, well, they got this or I hate them because of that. You can't do that.

That's what gets comics fucking dead. I lost that little thing I had like in 98. When you're here for two years, you get it. Yeah. You start to get it because you're not going to Montreal. You're not getting an agent. Comics that you move here with that aren't as funny as you are getting fucking three arts to rep them and deals. And you're not getting nothing.

So you get a little bitter. But then when you come to the conclusion that, Listen, I have a job to do regardless of what the fuck they're doing. And you move on and you let it go. You stay in your lane. Like I always treat it like swimming. I was always a swimmer. I swam competitively.

I was a chain smoker too, so that fucked everything up. But when you swim, if you look at the other swimmers, you fall behind. That's it. It's the first rule. My sister told me that when I was eight and I always did that my whole life. Just stay straight. Look, people are going to pass you, you know? You might not win that fucking race.

But you're still in the race. We're still all in the race. You know, now, you and I both see, we've been both here. I've been here for 20 years. I've been here since 93. I've known you the whole time. Now, Lee had an interesting question. We were talking before the podcast started.

No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's funny that. It's good to know. Thanks, Lee. There's people that we've known over the years. They've been lingering at the store, and you sit there and watch them. And you start to feel bad when they come over and talk to you.

They talk to you about their plans and what's going to happen if it doesn't work. And how they're not getting this and they're not getting that. When I got to the store, there were 10 of those guys. I got out the store every night, pissing on your fucking leg. And some of them actually had psychological problems. Like if you really look at from outside, not that I'm no fucking saint, but I'm looking at these guys going, how can they not realize what is going on around them? They've been here for 15 years.

They've had minimal success. and now two generations are passing them up, younger than them, are passing them up. At some time, you have to say, be honest with yourself and go, you know what, I either got to figure something out quickly or excel to the next level of this, whatever it is, whether it's writing,

coaching, you know, something. Listen, Phil Jackson was not the best basketball playing in the world, and he ended up becoming the best coach in the world. Yeah, the dynasty. Okay, I know guys that are tremendous fighters, that are great jiu jitsu guys that have won thousands of competitions and they run shitty jih Tzu schools i know guys that have uh have one-stripe black belts and they run a school like it's a

fucking temple so not everybody can't transition into everything you have to know when it's time to move on i'm very every year i made it have to pray that you know though no every year i'm that's the scariest part every year i had a fucking checklist December 31st Yeah. To be honest with myself. And I got to be honest. When I got here, guys, I had plans for something. It didn't look like it was going that way.

I had plans to be a stand-up, but there was no love in the stand-up community except for Mitzie Shore. So I had to turn to acting to go through the back door. I'm not ashamed to say that. My lucky thing was the soprano's hit. I looked like the guy. So I was getting hired for a lot of jobs on the basis of that. Yeah.

That's fine. I'll take it. Yeah? I'll take it. I was in prison. 15 years ago. This is, I'll take it. Right.

I'll take it. I'll take it however they fucking serve it up. You know, now again, you got to go, well, Joey, you got lucky to be, no, no, no, no. I was there for the opportunity. Yeah. I was there for the opportunity. I was prepared for the opportunity. I was prepared for the opportunity.

I walked into Mad TV and every year I had a certain goal. Yeah. Every year I had a certain fucking thing. And the goal was, if it didn't work out, I made myself a promise. Why waste people's time? My time and everybody else is, you are what you are. I'll move back to Lundberg and get a little, hot like a fucking Pablo Escobal.

I do that to my mom all the time. And wait till I die. The cops come get me or I end up in prison. That was the truth. That was the game plan. Why kid, even when I was sleeping in that fucking car, I was making moves. Yeah. I was still

fucking, just because I didn't have an apartment, I was still getting four spots a week at the store, still getting 10, 22, all around town. That's when Felipe had a room. Willie had a room. You know, everybody had a fucking room. Everybody had two, three, three.

rooms. So I was making a living. I just didn't have a fucking apartment. Yeah, but you're still hustling. You were striving. Your opportunity, preparation meets opportunity. So you were preparing yourself for a soon to be opportunity, hopefully that comes. Sometimes these people, they're out here. They just think, oh, they'll just come find me, you know? I'm just hanging out at the right place, at the right time. No, fucker, you got to be prepared. You got to be able to back it up. You could get a job and it just like it puts you over the top. But then you have nothing else after that. Nothing. You know what I mean? You get one job. Everybody's like, oh, this guy's great or this girl's great. And then that job ends and they get nothing else because they

can't back up. What happened to the dude from that fucking movie, Tito Speaks? What was that skinny dude that they gave him that rollerblade movie with your boy? I don't, I'm so happy about all of this. Will Kern, whatever his fucking name is, Will Ferrell? Will Farrell. Oh, you're talking about the the guy from Pedro movie Oh, vote for Pedro The whole fucking day. Napoleon Dynamite

Napoleon Dynamite The big curly hair guy The skinny blonde guy The Ari John header Yeah where is he today The red-headed Ari Because I remember when we saw that movie

Dice was like Ari missed out I was like you are an asshole I've seen him recently I feel like But he still works He actually looks normal Right But that was a guy that they blew up, they blew smoking his ass,

and he fell apart at the fucking seams. He was not ready for it. Right. He was not prepared for what they gave. You know, that movie, a lot of people don't know this, that movie that fucking, what's his name, the Chubby Kid, got nominated for an Academy Award with Brad Pitt. Oh, Jonah Hill?

That was Demetra's Martin's row. He got fired. Oh, really? Demetri's Martin, the comic. The guitar player. Yeah, whatever. He's like a prop and shit, college kids like him. That was his role.

Yeah. I'm not mad at me. He just wasn't cut out for that. Jesus Christ. This guy works a lot. He does like a ton of shorts. Yeah, he's all over the place that guy. He didn't like disappear.

He just did what he wanted. But he's coming back at him. No, he didn't do what he wanted. They gave him a Comedy Central show, 10 episodes. And he couldn't cover this spread. Oh, really? Yeah, that was the end of that. See, I thought he was into his own.

Let me do my own art kind of shit. Everybody does that too. Sure, sure, sure. Let me do short films, a star up to death. What are you going to do with short films? Wait for them to go to a festival. My film got into a festival. That's great.

You paid $2.50 for your film could be in a fucking festival. And you imagine that? Some people blow up out of it. Yeah. And that's what they do. And that's fine. If you're happy, do it. Fuck it, man.

But to be... I thought the festival world was dead. For me, it died. I was in 10 films. One with James Colburn. I did 10 films that all went to fucking festival. That's amazing. And nothing ever happened.

Not a fucking call. I did, I had a film in the gay film festival. I can't get in a film. I would love to get in a film. I got, I had a film at the gay film festival in Hollywood. Ten million fucking gay men in the industry.

And I didn't even get to suck a dick. Not even, not even, nobody called me for a booty call. You understand me? I was in the gay film festival and not one fucking call. No.

I was in the, they didn't say we want the Cuban bear. No, I was in the one big festival, the one year with that fucking movie with that one Toronto film festival. Oh yes. I had three movies in the Toronto Film Festival.

That's amazing. I had another movie that I played a fucking salesman with a kid and we were alone. We lived in a car. That was supposed to get nominated for fucking ten dammies. I was on a walk to red carpool with Marky Rawlberg. Nothing.

Oh my God. That's great. And then another one with those dudes from fucking, he's big now. I just saw him in something Oh, I just saw him in Ballers. He played... He played...

Great show. The owner, AGM's brother. Okay. He played the owner's brother. I did a pilot with him where he was a Boy Scout fucking troop, and I sold heroin at an Italian restaurant.

They sold heroin. But they dress up like Boy Scout leaders and come into the place. That one was supposed to go to fucking, you know, I did a thousand those things. I've been a thousand festivals. I tried everything to get those festivals. That's amazing. See, it's like

six or one, half a dozen of another. Like, I want that. I want to get a fucking festival. I was in the Jersey film festival. I did comedy at the fucking thing. It's still bombed. You understand me? I still didn't get who got. It's not nothing. I got to call a year later for some fucking commercial regional. I thought I was going to replace Merrill Street, but I kept getting engaged.

To play a fucking plumber. So for me, I swear to God. I'll play a plumber. So for me, the festival game didn't work. It may work for some other people. I thought that I would get... When I was in the gay film festival and I was in the second page... It's amazing.

The top short film was that the guy who fucking directed it was the king of the gay is in Hollywood. I loved him with all my mind. Barry Diller? No, we still talk. We still talk. Oh, like, I see what you're saying. This guy's got this person that did the film.

This guy's a director now that has the best job in Hollywood. Wow. You know what he does? What? He directs those videos for people when they buy a bed at those places. No, no. What's that fucking place you buy furniture at?

Sleepies? And you build it yourself. Oh, IKEA? So you build a bed when you buy a fucking couch from IKEA? That comes with a video. Yeah. You pop that video in? He shoots all those things.

Dog, he's making six figures. He works eight to five. He doesn't have to deal with nobody. No bullshit. They're all the same. They're all the same. You really? He was like, dog.

God love him. I came out here with these big dreams and he goes, they all sucked. because the show What he's making a living? The movie I did for him was a TV show originally. Okay. It was the reason why pussy left the Sopranos.

Besides, they hated his guts and the whole fucking thing that they didn't really like him. One of the reasons was he was going to do this at ABC. ABC wanted to take a walk on the wallside and do a show about two gay momsters in Hollywood. That they're fucking... Were you going to co-star with him?

No, no, no, no. So big pussy was doing this. It was him and my, like, Louis, the one kid that goes to the store and their fucking headquarters was the Hollywood Pussy Cat Theater. Oh, hilarious. These guys did write something very funny. But at the last minute, ABC got cold feet. I was going to say, that's too early for something like that. The Sopranos was on fire. Right now that might work.

In 2002, the Sopranos were on fire. So every network was trying to come up with a mob show to go opposite with them. Right, right, right. They had a long fucking talk. They looked at Mickey Mouse and they said, we like our jobs. Forget the gate thing. We'll put a gay thing later on as a close talk. Like now I feel like you could do something like that, maybe on HBO or something.

It was great. It would be funny and a little bit darker. Listen, I don't know how to find the fucking thing. But it's acceptable. See if it's on a YouTube. What I try I put in? Mezos, the Mezzos. M-E-Z-Z-Z.

Apostrophe, yes. Your boy went in there. Your boy went in there with me to read on a Saturday. We read together. He read by himself. When I got the movie, he was furious. He talked shit for a fucking month. He was better than the guy.

The guy could have been a lot better. You can't say his name? No. All right. Who's your boyfriend? I have so many. No. Yeah, this one.

Oh. Who's your main lover? They'll fucking leave his wife and kids to be with you. Look. There's so many of us. Oh. I was so high on Coke that morning. I'm going to punch you.

That's so fucking amazing. I was falling asleep from the night before. I drank two red bulls. You look great, though. Does I have a volume to it? That's as high as it go. Is it a mesophonoka or full-blown? What do you mean?

Like a half a fag or a full flak? We're full fangs. We're gonna stay here. Me and him are brothers. Until you feel better, I guess. Fuck up, we just got here. Pray or something. I don't pray no more.

What the fuck you mean? You don't pray no more. That is the stupid. Don't pray no. Do you want to go to hell or something? No, it's not like that. I just don't pray no more. Give it up for Lent.

You cannot give up praying for Lent. You are positively a moron now. You have to give up something you will. Like eating. Holy fucking you. Watch your fucking mouth. Motherfucker. I'm telling you.

For everyone watching now. There's like a hot dude. With muscles. In my dreams. Oh my God. Shut the fuck up. Dog, I'm telling you, I was in a gay film festival. With this movie.

I walked in there. I walked in there. Fucking people shaking my head. Oh my God, that fucking smile right there at the end. I want to beat you. Oh, my God. Santa Monica Boulevard. Oh, yeah, look at this.

It was a spoof and a half dog. And it was me and this kid until today. I still talk to this kid. We still talk once every three months. Oh, man. Can you believe this shit? God, full following it. Oh, you want to keep blowing?

Yeah, yeah, there's some good shit in this. Oh, my God, that's amazing. You can't fucking believe this. Dog, this had to be 14 years ago. It's kind of, the opening is soprano-esque. Yeah.

Yeah, they did this. I mean, it's a little different. Obviously, it's the West Coast versus the... Yeah, they did this because... And Fox Search Lab was all over this. It was a map. This was the first real short film I ever did. Sometimes I think you must have been dropped on your head when you was...

That had. So your brother's gay? We're both gay. What are we doing here again? You missed his last three payments. How much this guy owes? 7,500 times people. How would I know?

You still talk to him. And excuse me. I believe it is Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber. Sir, Antrulyde Weber. What's this guy's name? I don't know. I do know that Sondheim writes music, but I can actually listen to,

as opposed to most composers, I think the louder the noise the instance make, the better the song. This got me out of the back. Ring. It's amazing. Yeah, see, this is the tape I said. This is the tape I said, finalize that.

She told me to send another tape when I got a thing, and I sent it to, and I sent this to the sopranos, too. She told me to send there anything I did. Yeah. That would help my cause. You never even seen cats? Yes. Twice. With you.

With you. Are anything on my teeth? No, no, you good, you good. Besides, the composer does not control the volume of the instruments. Do not. The conductor does. Oh? Ring it again.

You know what I think? I hope not. I think you've been influenced by the commercial success of Mr. Weber's productions as opposed to maybe forming your own opinion. You know, if I didn't know any better, I swear you were straight. Hello, Mrs. Bambini. I thought you didn't know his name. Oh, his first name.

Mrs. Bambini. Is your son home? What? Ask her about son time. Who? Exactly. Your son, is he home? Which one?

There's more than one. There are six. That's my mother. No, make that seven. I always forget about Polly. I can't remember what this guy's name is Jesus Christ. He's the youngest. I know it's like a circus name.

I know if it's born or if it's baby. It's not monkey boy. He don't live here. I know more. He's got two words, so I can't know what the crockett. Jesus. God is Anthony. I can't think.

too proud of him. I really wanted a girl. Please shut it up, please. I hope he doesn't turn into a girl. Any of them? Are any of your children home? Come in. I'll make some tea.

She's great. Jesus Christ. Thank you, Mrs. We shot this. We shot two days of 16-hour days. And I saw the Code Friday and Saturday. I'm the fucking longest running show in Brooklyn history, Lloyd Webber.

You know what? You see? You let commercial success interfere with your judgment of art. I fucking know. What do you want me to interfere with? What do you want me to interfere with? Flops? Knock. What's this guy's name again? Ah, I'm not all right. I'm not your mother. Now open the fucking door.

Ah. This fucking guy. Yeah, yeah, sure. Just give me a minute. I'll be right there, okay? I still bump into this guy. twice a year, maybe once in. The guy who's behind the door? Yeah, yeah.

I'm, like, invested in this now. I'm, like, in it. Like, this is amazing. What have we here, Joey? Looks like an asshole, sticking out of window. Huh? Hey, butt wipe. Hey, totally.

Funny seeing you here. I ain't fucking laughing. Oh, my God. How do you get stuck in the window? I have no fucking left here. The supposed to reason you haven't gotten back to us. You've been stuck in this window for three months. Shit.

Shit. No, this is more of a little. recent development. Shut up. Turn this shit off. I'm dying right now. That's so great. This is the shit you've got to do over the years to get big parts.

No, you're right. I would kill for this. And that's what, like, when you watch this, when you got this, were you, like, thrilled out of your mind? Yeah. You must have been like, oh, this is going to put me over the moon. No, I don't remember. I was a short film.

At that point, I had done a bunch of them that got nowhere. Oh, so you were already kind of dated. But this was the only one that had big people behind it. Like Fox was on the fucking set. You know, there were agents on the fucking set. There were producers on the set because they were still in the middle of pitching it to another network. They didn't know they were going to do this short film to get interest and then take it from there. It got minimal interest.

Wow. And it went away. I was doing like student films. Me too. That's what you have to do in the beginning. You have to do 20 of those fucking things. They were brutal. They were awful, but no one was ever behind it, never fought, nothing exciting.

The problem is that this is when it really starts. You start wrestling, I mean. That's right. You wrestle for a while. You're with MMA girls are fucking... Yeah, I'll fucking fight somebody right now. But it was weird because you attack it from different angles and you don't see it at the time when it, when nothing comes of it. Yeah.

But it all added to your experience. Right, because, yeah, it wasn't happening to acting for me. So I was freaking out. I kept getting engaged, too. I think it was in my second. But with Dice, when I was engaged to him, we were at least filming a reality show. So it felt like I was doing something.

Do you know what I mean? But I wasn't like, it wasn't like a stellar acting job. I mean, I'm a crazily trained actress that never got any fucking work. Because I think I was like too big into the, like I was Jeff Goldblum student at Playhouse West.

I studied under Robert Carnegie. I studied under. at a Meisner. I went for two years. Me, Freddie Soto, Cory, Como. Like, we all went. Bob O'Shea. What place did you guys go to them?

It was two years. Sherry Shepard. Yeah, you couldn't audition for two years. You weren't allowed to read. Meisner, it was in Santa Monica. It was the fuck of, D.W. Brown and Joanne Parent. Are they still there?

Yeah. Wow. We didn't listen to them with the audition. And Sherry Shepherd got a movie. She didn't come in for, she didn't graduate until later. She was in Freddie's class. Then Freddie got a pilot. He left.

So he didn't go. graduate until later with me and Corey. But we were still auditioning. We didn't give a shit. We didn't listen to them. Like, they tried to tell you that. But we were like, nah, bitch, if we get some, we're going. Yeah, even Oshack, who, Oshack had the best. I don't know if you remember Bob Oshed.

Yeah, oh, please, great kid. What he writes for Bill Martin. Great writer. They used to want you to cry, right? Like, to reach your emotional. So I could cry on cue. Like, I, you know, because I thought I was going to be Merrill Strip. I was doing plays and shit.

Nobody was watching. But Oshack couldn't get to that emotional level, so he would go out in the hallway and pluck his nuts and try to get tears to come to his eyes. So I'd walk to the bath, and I'd see Oshack playing with his dick. I was like, what are you doing? But yeah, that's how he would cry. That's how he graduated. No, I know that.

Bruised nuts. All those movies, those stupid little films I did, I got better every time I did one. Yeah, it's the only way to do it. And what happens is, like I sit here sometimes and I go, like, I remember I did a student film after I had already been in big fucking films. And that's when you notice how much they don't know what they're doing. Yeah. But in today's television world, I've got to be honest with you.

I'm going to be strictly honest with you. There's certain TV than three or four people in the set know what they're doing. They're paying so bad today. The pay is so. bad on these movies that the people don't know what they're doing. In the last 10 years you know how many films I did

that had to go back and redo the fucking voice completely because the tape was lost. In all those dog movies I did with Dean Kane, four of those movies of sound. They had to go back and because why? They cut dollars in the beginning of the movie. You get some fucking plumber to go

in there and tape your fucking movie. And then at the end it don't sound right now. you gotta spend all that money again and then some. See, they try to cut corners. You get what you pay for. You get what you pay for. And it's, it's,

it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, drives me back. I'll tell you why I did that. To make sure. Because so many people were not paying, not even a dime.

Some people still don't pay. Dog, I worked in films where people have worked 30 days straight and I got, and I've been there from six to six. They got an hour before me and two after me for free to get experience. Come on, dog.

You got to give me something. Yeah. You got to give me a 50. At that point, it's abusive. Yeah, it's abuse, but people do it out here. I think I probably would do it. I'm an idiot.

Yeah, well, hearing you talk about that IKEA guy, the guy who directs all those videos, not the IKEA guy, like the more I've been out here, the more I think, like that's the way to go. Like, industrial commercials, like stuff that you don't really need. to maintain.

Well, no, like, I'm talking about, like, I think what happens in, especially, like, I've only had production experience, but these people come out here and they actually, like, want to be filmmakers. And they're an artist. And you guys are artists. You guys have done thousands of free sets, but it's because, because it's, because it's, because you love it, and they get you that way. Because you're going to do it regardless. Oh, I'll still work on the movie. It's good, uh, whatever it's called. But Lee, it's a complete different story.

Well, other than Seattle, it was a woman who did not like me. Right. And she booked independent one-nighters. Okay. Like comedy shows? Yeah, one-nighters. She had 30 of them. Okay.

She got mad at me over a situation and she wouldn't book me. You know what I would do? What? I would get a paid gig. But before my paid gig, I see what time is. It's a 10 o'clock show. I call her. I knew which one of her gig started at 8.

And I'd call her at the house, and I go, how you're doing. I could tell that when she'd answer the phone, she'd go, fuck, fuck. Because there was no caller ID that. Yeah. So she would look at the phone and go, fuck, yeah, what can I do for you, Joey? And I go, can I go to the Marine bar tonight and do a guest spot?

She couldn't say no to me. It was a free spot. You know, she once told somebody, Joey Diaz is an asshole. He does three guest sets for free. And I'm like, bitch, I'm in L.A. The reason why I'm in L.A. is because I did those three sets for free. and it made me stronger. But remember, Lee, you know me, I'm lazy.

This was a 20 minutes there, there was a 15-minute spots and 20 minutes home. That's an hour out of your day. I'll do that for anybody. I'll do that for anybody. If you're legit, what I mean? You go, Joey, I'm going to shoot your scene after lunch. You're a professional, Joey.

Just show up at 8 o'clock. Let's shoot you. The way Greg Garcia did, there's two episodes of fucking, my name is earlier. Greg called me a four. And so, where are you at? I'm in the valley.

Can you get up to Calabasas by 530? There's a scene I want to put you in. There's no, you know, when I got there, they gave me a wardrobe, they touched me up. There was no rehearsal. They were waiting for me. There's that scene with me and Michael Rappaport. Didn't you just watch it?

Yeah, yeah. We shot that 4 o'clock. Come on up. I got a scene for you. What are you doing? You're busy? No, no, no, no. He had already given me.

That's great. He had already given me. That's trust, though. He put me in like four or five episodes. Yeah, you're a bunch. The first two, he just, These were scripted. The next three were, what else can I put in there?

Called your deals. I think you beat someone up ones or threw something. Yeah, hit him with a brick. Oh, my God, he had me do a thousand things. That's great. See, that's amazing. That's a great person to know. Well, that's when you're in your best.

Yeah. See, I don't believe in beating up anybody. I really don't. At least I got to need your four. Well, he gets here at four. We're going to start at eight. Oh, that's rude. I wouldn't do that to anybody because it's,

been done to me. Yeah. When it gets done to you, you have no fucking idea how you feel. Yeah. Because while you're sitting there, you're like, okay, I'm going to do this, but I could have been doing something else. Yeah.

Useful. I could have helped my mother. I could have mowed the lawn. I could have gone shopping. I could have picked up the baby. That's something I could have done, and now you have me here. Like somebody was telling me they worked with a headliner a couple months ago, and the gig was at 8, and the guy

wanted to be there at one. What? It was like an hour away, somewhere like and he told the guy I can't do it. The guy's like, well, then you can't go. Because you got to drive me out one. He goes, what are we going to do? So he finally agreed.

He went up there with the guy. They got up there. The guy's like, well, I got one hotel room only. He goes, so what are we going to do? Sit in one hotel room and look at each other? There's people who do that to people. Oh, that's brutal. There's people that do that to people.

Whoever that is should be executed. I don't ever want to be fucking, well, I call you up and go, Lee. Listen, bro, I'm in a situation. My fucking camera guy didn't show up. can't show up tomorrow do me a favor man Lee I can't give you the rate right I can't give you a rate I give you a buck 50 I give you I have a half a fucking ounce of weed and you're my boy how much work have I given you over the years that's one thing Lee right but for me to call you and go hey man I need you for three weeks Monday through Friday eight to 10 to work like a slave

Right. Plus, on my end, there's no break. You know what I'm saying like something like this? There's people trying to get away with brakes and sag breaks. You don't know how many times movies I've worked on. I've expected something. And the next thing you know, I've gotten like $1,000 more because they never took a break. Yeah.

And that's $45 a break. Oh, yeah. They freak out. That's a fine. You get fined. Do you get like a 15-minute break every hour or something? No, no, no, no, no, no. Meal penalties.

Yeah. Meal penalties. That's what they called. Oh, okay. So you got to eat six hours after you get. get down. Yeah. That's your first dinner break.

If you're deep in a fucking scene, you ain't breaking. Yeah. They're like, fuck the meal penalty. Fuck the meal penalties. We'll pay it. And they just keep going on. They fucking meal penalty. I auditioned for that because they used wrestlers that were in, wow, who I, they came to

watch us wrestle. So there was like four girls they used. I didn't know that. Yeah. I can't remember who they used. They had meal penalties when I did Dickie. He does a cage man. Yeah.

Oh, Dickie. I got, I don't know how many thousands of the meal penalties. They didn't get them a fuck. I didn't even notice. Meanwhile, they got boxes of food. Right. So who gives a fuck? If you're going to be Joey, you're done with this scene for now, you got 20 minutes to your next scene?

Shit. I can put away a bagel, locks, cream cheese, fucking kaffelter fish, a milkshake. I can put away stew, some cookies, a piece of cake. You're making a hungry. And get back to the fucking set with a chocolate chip stuck in my fucking tooth. I'll go on those sets and I will fuck you up. I don't need your fucking... Spider-Man 2, they did not take meal penalties.

They did not break for lunch. So they gave me an extra $35 a day on your check. Wow. They would still break for an hour of lunch. Yeah. And you were supposed to eat somewhere at Sony. But what they would do is they still had food out. Yeah.

Like if I talk about all this shit, like when I worked on, Boilermaker. That was probably my first $100 a day movie. Wow. Well, that is horrible. For people who come into L.A., you listen to me, go, Joey, when did you do with Boilermaker?

Then in 2007, it was the movie I stopped doing Coke for because they fucking called me out before I booked and said, we know you're fucked up. Think about it, tell us, but don't leave us there with our dick in our hand that ain't the morning, you know. A liability, yeah.

So we really want you for this, But if there's going to be a problem, let's just move on. I was so embarrassed that I took the fucking roll. But that role was bottom dollar, $100 a day movie. Yeah. For two or three years, that's all I did. Is that even a day player? What does that consider?

That's like a glorified extra. Okay, so what you have in SAG is scale. Yeah. Okay? So scale is, let's say it's $6.95 a day. Okay. And then you have the next one down. That's...

Low budget? Something low budget. And that's $4.69 a day. Okay. And then they have a movie that you get $2.49 a day. And then there's $100 a day. And now there's ultra low budget. No.

The last couple of years. And that's $50. What's that all the word? So for all you people that are in college and you're taking a maid and you're going, enjoy what? Listen, there it is. at scale it's 4.59, 249, 150, 100, and then there's a $50 $50, $100, and then there's a $50 movie they have now.

I got just recently hit up about six months ago, three days. Would you do it? Not in a million fucking years. They wanted me to be missing an arm. Like I was a host with a missing arm and a fucking, what do you call those things? With old women go and play bingo. I got a church. Retirement home?

Yeah, but I was like a dirty. It was a funny. And you know what kills me in my nose? It's like cocoon with Diaz. It was fucking hilarious. It's all these women. Would it have a back end on it or no? No, no, no, no.

It's $50. That's it. And they put you, and listen, ladies and gentlemen, you're looking at me. You're going, Joe, you would work for $50. No, this principal, I'll tell you why this principle, guys. Now, you're right. Because when I got here, everybody paid you $6.50 plus $10. I'm not going to lie to you.

There's a couple of things I got to think. thousand dollars a day for there's a couple co-stars i got 950 i got this high for a co-stars maybe 1715 12 1750 and then something and i got and i never booked the guest though when guest stars were paying 15 000 you know how many of those i booked none then they became one-day guest stars and it's uh those are the ones you want because they have to pay you for two days So they give you at least $1,200. Yeah. And all of a sudden, after 2000, in 2004, in 2002, I shot my first 469.

The movie I did with Rodney, back by midnight. Okay. With Basil as a director. That was 459 a day. Okay. Okay. The one I did for 259 was there's a scene in seven where Brad Pitt walks up to the crime scene. and some guy gives him a cup of coffee.

That guy. No, that's not me. That guy did a movie with his brother, and he put me in it, and that was 249 a day. Okay. That was like in two. And then all the Christmas movies I did with Dean Cain for fucking ABC family. Oh, okay.

They were all $100 a day. Wow. So I did five of them. The first one was $100 a day. Because if people see you on TV, they think you're rich. Yeah, they think you're rich. And you're like, no, motherfucker. We made $100 a day.

No. No. Listen, let's pretend, let me tell you something right now. So you make $6.50 a day. Stop rob and day players. $6.95 a day, okay? Let me put it to this way. 10% of that goes to your agent and 10% of that goes to your manager.

So you're down $120 already. So from $6.90 you went to what? $5.70. Now you got taxes and California taxes. So you got to take, $28% on that. 30. 30 on that. So there goes another fucking,

three times. That's 180. So already I got you for fucking 180, 120, that's 300. So look what you're going to walk with. You're walking with $300 to be on television per day. If you get the whole week, you walk with $1,500. Do you work the whole day? You work like a fucking slave.

You get there at 7.30 in the morning and you work till 10 o'clock at night. Yes, they give you overtime. But you're on your feet. You're fucking getting yelled at. You're rehearsing your lines. They switched the script on you. You stayed up all night reading, preparing to read a fucking thing.

And you get to the next day and they switch the whole thing on you. And you're the first scene up, bitch. And guess what? You're hung over and you did two grams of blow the night before. Your memory is kaputz. Yeah. And here you got, no, it's fucking scary. You're looking at the lines and they're just blurry.

If you do the $50 a day, you actually. I never did a $50. The $100 a day ones, I did 10 of. Okay. Because I enjoy. you make any money you didn't pay your agent so no I paid my ages a 10 dollars a day oh you pay them the 10 dollars a day the only movies 100 on day movies I made any money on were uh the first half the ones oh okay the dog saved Christmas the dog saved because after the first one

you had they gave me a back end they gave me after when the movie was done yeah they handed me a check for cash nobody knew about okay then the second one they did the same I opted the third one, the fourth one, and so on. They opted every movie from $500 to $1,000. They were very good to me in that sense. They're slave drivers. They had shitty food. The director was a Christian.

He came to me one day and said, not the curse on the side. I told him to suck my dick. He never bothered me again. Yeah, I farted one time on the set, and he asked me not to do it no more. What are you fucking kidding me? What? He got all this great foodie. I mean, cream cheese with bagels.

You're going to shit your pants at one point. You're going to fart eventually somewhere. If you watch the last... How great isn't everything been? If you watch the last two minutes of that first Dean Kane movie I did. I got a little piece up. I don't know what they are. I never watch them.

When the movie ends, they have a blooper reel. Like, whatever you saw, all the mistakes. Yeah, a blooper. And there's a scene with me landing on Dean Kane. And they go cut. And all of a sudden I go, hold on, hold on. You hear a fart come on. And Dean's on the box.

trying to push me off. That's real as fucking disco. I was on top of him. My stomach went in and I fucking unleashed the fart of death on that fucking dude. And that's what we became friends. That's he became friends of people. Of course. You have to see if you want to come on the podcast, but we're still friends.

Why is he afraid to come on the podcast? He told me he has no fucking stories. Who has no stories? How does their life go? He has a pretty interesting story, that guy. I bet he does. You just is afraid to tell it. Like maybe he's, you know, he went to a fucking one of those big time schools.

I don't even know who he is technically. He was Superman. He was Superman. Yeah, again, I don't know who that is. He went to what school would he go to Lee? He went to a big time school. He dated that chick for a while. He got drafted by the Buffalo Bills.

He got put on the four men. Oh, wait, wait, right. Now you're the Buffalo. Okay. Played four games. But if you talk to him, you think he even played 18 Super Bowls. And he knows Michael Lurvin, but he's still a great guy. and uh but like when did he play back with oj oh shit he went to princeton yeah no no he's the real deal

who did he date in princeton come on lees jesus christ you can't be that fucking mom mohota oh superman the tv show the tv show i'm sorry i thought you meant put a scene on put a scene on for i thought you meant the moot i'm like put a scene on for the dog to save him he gave brook shields he did the brook shields wow i was thinking toby mcguire is that spider man or superman i don't know that's spider man I don't pay any attention to that shit. I live in the real world, not fantasy. Yeah, so, no, no. And these were interesting.

I audition for this. I had to go to audition. I had to go to a callback. They made me sit there. I came home the first day, and I'm like, fuck, that was tough, because they made me go to the audition at 10.

Somewhere around here, and the callback was at 12. And when I got there, there was maybe, no, no, I want you to put on, not Dean Kane, Superman, and put on the dog that saved something, Joey Diaz. The dog that saved...

Christmas? Yeah, saved Christmas. And then put Joey Diaz, see what it happens. Put on the second one. Look at that face. You. Your buddies in these, too. Your fucking buddies in these.

Oh, this should be good. Gary Valentine. Oh, I love Gary Valentine. God, he was funny. It's another Bannister family Christmas. You're going to have so much fun here. They have Kidopia. Oh my God, what a shot.

Skiing and tubing. No, I got sick up in the money. I got out of the two sickles. Oh, I bet the toilet bowls in this place are filled with fresh, cold mountain spring water. But these two guys have their sights set on ruining this family vacation. Wait about five more minutes. Hey, they stole my necklace. I'll walk in that store.

We buy a $250,000 necklace. For five bucks. Hey, Zeus, what is this? Honey, that looks very expensive. Five bucks, they're all the same. What are the banisters doing here? What we're going to do now? We would like to rent the honeymoon suite.

We're finally going to be able to get revenge on that mangy money that made us spend last Christmas behind bars this year. Hey, kids, give you Uncle Randy some love. Hey, Jackie. All right? It's Zeus. Look at his face. See, they cut him.

Back on the dog. Getting a headache. Like, the dog voice was always terrible. So these guys made money. They cut places where you could tell. You are so not my type. I bought you a present. I love it.

What are they doing with our necklace? How are we going to get it? I got a plan. We should have a plan last time. I ended up with a slammer for a year. I got a plan. Zeus, help me. Have no fear, my love.

Seuss is coming to the rescue. This is bird of me. Yeah. Chill, pill. I did all my own stuff. For a hundred dollars. 100 a day. Harris Hilton.

Look, and they didn't give me no fucking love ever. I just got my hair done. A hundred a day. And Mario Lopez as the voice of Zeus. Time to say, Christmas vacation. How bad is he? That's what I kill the fucks.

Did you drink out of a let bowl when you were a puppy? Stars presents. It's that dog. The doggone sequel to the K-9 family event. How many thugs I have to deal with today? Up here. The dog. The dog who saved Christmas.

Where did this air? Family. Oh, ABC family or Disney? Oh, that is amazing. All of these. I think four. I mean, you got great tapes out of this, though. Like, in my head, I'm like, I was in Dice twice and got cut out both times.

That's cold-blooded. Cold-blooded. I don't know what. It's Scott Arshon. He's terrific, right? The showrunner. However, he's used to doing movies. So the two episodes I was in were the ones he directed.

And he loves my stuff. Like he's, like the first year when they cut me, he's like, I'm so sorry. But the thing is, is he writes, it's supposed to be a half hour. He'll write it like it's a fucking movie. And then we have all this great stuff. And then he's got to cut it. Like I watched the episode, I got cut out. I was playing milkshake sister at a bar mitzvah.

And the thing went so fast. I'm like, I don't even know where they would have put it. my scene. Like, because it's a half hour. It would have been a, I don't know, an 80-minute show at that point, like with all the other scenes, because I also did some punch-up writing for it. So that was, that was, some of that stayed in there. Natasha got me that job, actually. Natasha Legerro, she was like, can you get Eleanor to punch this up? Because it's got to be a little funnier. It's got to move faster, which is very compliment, very nice. So I did get that work, but the, I got cut out of my bar mitzvah scene.

Again, it's all experience. I mean, I got paid. Now you know how to not get cut out next time. You got to fucking make it happen. You got to rock the mic. You got to rock the mic. But it was so funny, the scene between me and Andrew. It was just too many.

Like, there was also a lot of funny scenes with Andrew and this rabbi. It was a kind of, this is your life or a wonderful life. Remember that show, Jimmy Stewart? Yeah. So that's what they did to Andrew. this rabbi is like yelling at him at a bar mitzvah just saying like what you know if andrew dice clay had never been born and then it goes to him being like a regular schmo he's in a nightmare so i'm telling you if you watch it it's great but even we were filming it i thought how the hell we

filmed so much how are they going to narrow this down to 30 minutes like even last year i got cut out for adrian brodie because they filmed so many great scenes with adrian brodie that Adrian was like, you know, Scott Armstrong said, well, we're going to make it, it can only be a half hour. And Adrian was like, screw it, make it a double episode,

do it, make it an hour. And Scott's like, I can't do that. I only have a half hour. But then why shoot all this shit? But that's because that's just his mindset. It's just how he does. And he's terrific. Like he's, they did old school.

He did hangover. You know, he's a brilliant guy. It's not like, you know, he don't know what the fuck he's doing. And he puts all these great directors to Like if he's not directing, he has Co-Sah, Todd Bierman that does, it's always sunny in Philadelphia, and Jake Harris, who directs a lot of specials. He did Bill Burr's, I think, last two or three.

And he's been directing a lot of comedy specials now, but he also does a ton of TV. So the show's really funny. I just, I'm like, whatever, I got cut out. Listen, man, I think I've been cut out of one thing. I'm pissed. But I should have been cut out of 15 things. Shut up. I never forget when I shop basketball.

I was fresh out the store. Okay. I just got to the store. I just got to L.A. Got a fucking manager. I got a black agent. The agent was called a coloring book. They were on the water brothers lot.

And the fucking paper that you used for your resume had to be different colors. So it cost me 10 or $20 more a month just to be with them. Because I had to put a staple head. shots on your resume. And it had to be different colors. I had to go to Ming Ming fucking copy there. What's his name on Sunset across my guitar center? Oh my God.

The Chinese dude. They're out of business. Everybody's got to do that. That's where you went to get Mr. Ming printing his little Chinese dude. When he went away, I went to the other guy on sunset and a little across from now, whatever that. I don't even go there anymore. It's a different world.

Yeah. The printing world. Right across the H&M now. Yeah. It's fucking gone. It's like going to H&M. Remember J&J. Beep is.

God, huge. They had the whole floor on that fucking mall. He was involved with that chick. He went to jail. That's on La Brea. Yeah, that was killer.

What happened to Mr. Ming? Mr. Ming was on sunset. Did that one check in on? Across from, no, Mr. Ming, I drove by the other day and said, Felice and my heart stopped. Because I felt so bad. But he hasn't been there for a while.

No, he's been there. No, he's Chinese. He's there six days a week. I thought maybe he moved because I didn't see. I guarantee you. I guess I haven't gone in. Listen, after a resume. business, we're not a business.

Yeah, because now you can do it at home. No, because now you fucking, you have a printer at the house and the headshots are done. People go buy headshots. They're dirt cheap now. Dirt cheap, they'll give them to you. Just to keep the little fucking dude alive. LeBray and Hollywood behind your horse walk.

I've been going there for fucking 20 years. That's right. Those are my people. Every time I go in there, they have every. Because they do great retouches. Yeah, they have every fucking headshot I ever did. I did all mine there too And I can't figure of the fucking

Niceest people in the world I can see their packaging Next to a bagel place So I would go in and get a bagel Get the head shop Down the corner They had a cigar shop And the cigar shop is behind Wendy's

So you don't lose it that more Upstairs is a karate school They got everything at that more Somebody yelled at me for going there They're like it's too expensive And I'm like it's the only game in town It's right there It's right there

You don't have to drive around It was so good They were good Except for one time They made me look like Rocky Raccoon because they were trying to fix my eyes. I'm like, dude, that's my eyes. That's like Marty Feldman.

Just fucking leave them. I never fucking did retouch photos. Oh, but my agent would always tell me. They would tell me all the time. They would tell me all the time. Take that pimple out of that. Leave it there. That's why you got work and I didn't because I listened to these fucking idiots.

I never, since day one, they would tell you, okay, hi, we're going to sign you, but this is what we need for you to do. You need to go on Cast Nett and put your picture. And I tell them from beginning. listen, and we love your look. This is no disrespect, but you need a new headshot. And I go, listen, here it is. You get that headshot right there.

Let's put it to work. And once we make a few bookings, I get new headshots. You think I'm Kenya? And they would look at me like, well, this, da, da, da, da, for right now, for today, just to get the ball started, let's send some new head shots. Let's just get that. I promise you. Let's get the first job I get new headshots.

I'm like that now. I never get new head shots. I signed with an agent that called me into her office. And then she goes, listen, you usually book a plumber construction, a mafia. She gave me five a chef. She goes, I want you to get a head shot for each one. And I want you to go to this photographer. I called the guy, he wanted $2.50 for each headshot back.

And I go, listen, I called him back. I said, listen, out of the six, take your pick. I think we go with the mobster. You wanted $2.50 per picture? Holy, you have no idea. This is Ripwop City. And that's cheap. Now, now it's 800 now.

Somebody told me they paid 800 for headshots recently. What? No, that's crazy. I did a shoot with the guy who shoots at the store. He was terrific. Oh, Troy Conreras. Troy Conrads. I could, for a second, I was going to call him.

I think he wants a small deuce is it? Dude, yeah, he's not, and you know what he does? He does a lot of, like, digital stuff for you. So, like, if you have a show coming up, like, who he does, like, stuff you can use to put your dates next to your picture. Do you know what I mean? Like, social media shit. that you can use for all of it.

He does great pictures. He does. He's amazing, excellent job. He's really, really good at the store. If you ever at the store, go check out his, he's not that expensive. Yeah, oh, yeah, he does the hallway series. Yeah, the hallway series is still up. But even if you want regular headshots, he took regular headshots for me.

Then he said, look, I'm going to give you some social media stuff. So, like, if your shows or stuff, New Year's, we even did like. Just write your thing over it. Exactly. We even did, like, I think I wore a hot gold dress. Like, he was like, in case you're doing a show on New Year's Eve. Or you just want to say I'm being classy, whatever. Like different kind of variations, but fun stuff for social media and regular headshots.

And he was not that expensive. And he touched them up. And I think I did it last December. I called him two weeks ago. I was like, hey, can you help me out? My commercial agent needs this, this. He goes, I'll send it in the next couple hours. And he did.

He was right on it. He's great. It's one of my favorite people, Troy Comratz. Yeah, there's a lot of fucking rep. But yeah, don't pay, man. Listen, when you go to an agent that give you a sheet of paper. Yes, I got one for my commercial agent. I go, no, I already have head shots.

And they go, please use one of these people because they got a taste of that leak. Of course, yeah, they do. Okay, they want those people. Assholes. I'm over all of it. No, I was over it from day one. I never bought into it.

When I got here, I'm never thinking I keep repeating it. Castnet. Okay, so the process is this. You give your fucking agent 200 headshots and when a row comes out for you, she takes that headshot with a cover letter. and she licks the envelope and sends it in. That's what people do that are failures.

Okay, if you want to be a failure as an agent, that's what you do. What this agent would do, this black lady, she used to say, listen, there's a role for you that we can't pass on. I'm going to call this motherfucker right now. I'm going to put a head shot right now to carry it over to him. But he goes for lunch at 1.30. I want you to have 1, 2.30 when he gets there and give him another headshot. and say, I'll call you in.

And it worked every time. And I believe in that. That's why I started doing that. Stay on top of... No, if you see something you want, go down there. Go down there. See, today it's not as liberal. Today, after 9-11, they closed the studios down here.

Yeah. In the old days, you know, Larchmount? Yeah. Large-mount, that first two blocks, those are the big casting people in town. They call you over to Larch-mount, you're going places. You got the place on, across from the... What's the fucking the grove?

Yeah. I live right there. All right. This is a place across you from the Grove. If you're going down the street on the Saniga, right across his little building, nobody knows about it. That guy cast. I think you're right. I think I read in there.

I think I read. He cast everything. They offer you water. They're white people. There's a couple of offices. They offer you white water. They offer you water. Validation.

Those are white people. Then you go to these savages, you know, Gower. Oh, yeah. And fucking, uh, there's a couple of them. Forget it. Silico. Those people are savages. Gower,

you pay your cable bill and you can... They hope you get towed. They got no class. They got no class. They can't hate you. You know, when you go to Paramount, they make you park all the way at the end.

Yeah, no, no drive on. No, no drive on. They fucking torment you. You get there, you're all sweating. These places are high level. When you go into, like, what's that Steven Spielberg movie? He did about four?

No. He did about eight years ago. I was dying to get it. Listen, I tried to get it. animation. Yeah. And I was playing like a half a gangster. And I went to the producer session.

And I looked down and it's three guys. Me, Steve Sharper, and some other fucking dude, right? I don't know. I look at the guy's headshot, I go, it's between me and Steve Sharper. I ain't get this. I picked my head up. I said, I'm going to get this. I went in there, I read my fucking heart out for this.

It was 60 days of shooting with a body suit on it. Whoa. So they had to shoot. You with the body suit on and with the body shoes, suit off. Big money. Big money. It was some fucking stupid animated show that didn't want. There's the beauty of it.

Oh, animation. I cried like a pussy. Rintin tin. Oh, there you go. Rentin, tin, ten. That little guts. It did dick. It made $3 and they gave you a money back when you walked out.

I cried like a little girl when I didn't get that movie. When they called me and said, we went with another thing. I get it. I go fucking Sherepa. And a week later, I went on an MDB. I was a shirma. I wonder who was. It was some kid you never saw before.

I never saw this fucking kid before. I mean, I wasn't even that broken heart. I go, what am I going to do? It's brutal and I'm glad, like, I'm learning now to not give a fuck. But before, I was so nervous because when I started taking, like, just say acting classes, I was going to Temple University in Philadelphia. So I'd go to Temple.

Everybody else came from money families. They had, like, you know, their family was paying their tuition. I was hustling to get the money to pay to go to school, you know. So I'm sitting there in a fee lawsuit reading Shakespeare, and they're just fucking laughing at me. So I always fell out of place. So I would get nervous like, oh, I have to look more like this. Or they were like, oh, you have to take American standard English because no one knows. Your accent is so bad that no one can understand you.

We can't have you do Shakespeare. We don't even know what you're saying. And he don't speak well. So you're really fucked. So then they put me in this American Standard English class. So I'm learning how to say things. But at the same time, I'm lifeguarding in South Philly at a public pool. So I'm using my language I'm learning.

I'm like, get out of the water. And they're like, the fuck is wrong with you. It's water. Jerk off. And I'm like, oh, shit. So I was always like confused. Like, shit, I'm trying to fit in. I'm not.

So there was a long time there where I felt like I lost myself. Like I was just trying to do the right thing. Like, I guess be like everybody else instead of be who I am, which is not definitely not like everybody else, much like you. We're just a fucking outcast. When I first got here. We're not. We don't fit into everybody's mold. I got here on a Monday.

I got here on a Monday night. I went to the common store. I knew James Stevens deterred and he talked fucking, what's his name? I love Paul Moon. to go on state. No, James Steven. I know, but Mooney you called him James Stevens a third. And I went up there because what's his name?

It was hosting late night on Mondays. Dom Barris. And he put me up there. Tuesday, I went to the Laugh Factory. And Wednesday, Doug Stanhope gets a call him. Staying with him. He goes, hey, Judy Brown is casting some fucking TV. Oh, Jenny McCarthy's show.

Yeah, her name again. Chas Pomeretri is doing it. And they need a limo driver from for a scene. And I went down there and everybody was like, Joey, just be yourself. And like, okay, so let me go in there and tie him up and rob him. Like, I didn't have no fucking idea. What the fuck people were talking about? Be yourself.

I don't even know the fuck I am. I'm embarrassed just to walk into this audition. And I went in there and they looked at me, Lee, like, oh, this kid's terrible. They were like, thank you for coming in. I'm like, ah. That's how I got a response. No, no. They throw you into weird.

situation to you in the beginning. But that's how you learn anything in this life. You're not going to learn something. You know, I've been going into audition where you're fucking hand with Shay at the Sopranos producer session summer of 90,

and summer of 2000. I was here three years. I was auditioning because I had a great manager at Jeff Gellon. Oh, yeah, I forgot it out of him. But I'm never thinking going into the Sopranos in reading, but you had a hear this. Try listening to an audition

when your hand is shaking like a fucking fan that you know you're not going to get the role but at this point it's already on but the thing was I did good reads I knew I memorized everything front to back for those type of auditions I stay up for days

I write everything out the pauses exactly how I'm going to do it I walk into the room I practice the walk I do the whole fucking thing but that's all you heard throughout the whole audition. It's my hand shaking from my nerves. That took years to get rid of.

Like that took those, because I went from reading short films to reading men and black. I went in for them. I'm like, I shit my pants in the audition. You get good auditions. I never got any of them. That's a make. Well, when I signed with Jeff Gellon.

Yeah, he was great. I was going to a vet Chubbick for acting. I went to her. I studied that. And she was making women show their titties and that busies and shit, which is always great. Thursday night late class, you had to show that pussy. And you had to let a guy like me get on top of you.

Every, make out with you. Every class? It was very strange. But that's why all those women, she had two women that won Academy Awards. Why? Because he made the women go out of themselves. Eleanor would never kiss me. But at that school, we had to do a scene where Eleanor would have to be nude,

and I'd be nude with my leg over, and you have to just focus on not getting a hard on. Like I did one love scene there And I quit I don't think I'd be able I think I failed I couldn't I could handle it It was pretty brutal I didn't have a dick scene

But I was with her And you know You have to focus on your dick not Get on Yeah My favorite was the meeting with her I had a meeting with her You had a meet with her

And I got recommended by William Morris But at the time It was my fiance Billy who was running The comedy department So he said he goes Oh go to Ivana So I go meet with her. She goes, oh, William Morris.

Who are you with over there? I go, well, I'm not signed with William Morris. They just have a friend there. They recommend you. Well, I don't understand how you would get in my presence if you're not with William Morris. Like, who sent you here? And I go, I'm fucking the head of the comedy division. Is that work for you? And she went, yeah, it does.

Come on in. And we became best friends. Like, it was because I was like, don't grill me, bitch. Somebody gave me your number. Like, I'm not. I'm trying, but I got angry, and then she loved me from that moment on. And then I had a great time in her class. I was there for about six months. I think I was there for two years.

I learned about acting, but I also learned who I was going up against. And it was so weird that I was going, I thought I was an uncharted territories. This is why people, you have to go for what you believe in, because when I was in those acting class in the beginning, I walked in. there and didn't say a fucking word. Okay, I didn't say a word. Now, the first time I walked into an acting class was when I got here. Let me tell you about the story about the first acting class. You ever go on Sunset and Gardner?

Yeah. You know what toy is? Yeah. Okay, on the same side of toy, if you make a right there, if you make a left on that toy side on Gardner before you hit the Burger Place, Sunset Grill. Oh, yeah, Sunset Grill. If you go up 30 yards, there's a little school there. Okay.

And the guy's name was Frank something. And he had a pretty good acting class. It was 100 a month, Monday nights, 7 to 10. He hated, because Monday is at that time when I got it. It was the hottest night in Hollywood. You had the black night at the improv, and you had Latino night at Laugh factory. Yeah. The store had the open mic, which you could still do a triple header, which I did.

That's why I used to go for. Triple headers. If you got a seven minutes. spot at the improv. I was a 20 minute spot at the Laugh Factory. And then you closed that out with the store shit. Yeah. You went home talking shit that night.

So he, it was weird. I was with him by a. I was very loyal to him. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. I had two salads today.

I'm going to throw a one. Uh-huh. Why do you fan it on yourself? Because I'm not fanning it on myself. He's feeling it towards us. I'm trying it towards me. Lee. To me specifically.

So. What kind of salad? I had a burger at Marie E.T. And they make your garden salad with cucumbers. All right. Oh, nice, nice light dressing. Oh, yeah. That's nice.

Yeah, I can tell the dressing. And then tonight my wife made a little chili and bass. And she made a little kale salad with egg. I'll let her know it smells good on the way out as well. When I was eating that egg, I knew I was going to have a problem with the podcast tonight. When you put hard-boiled egg, into anything, your asshole's on fire. So I'm in there.

You're going to sit through it, Link? I'm just not breathing to my nose. When I went in there the first time, I didn't say shit. I was, I can't lie to you, people. This is the little place on Gardner. This is the little place on Gardner. I was probably here six months. I was awkward.

I was very scared. I was intimidated. And I went into his acting class. And God bless him, he let me watch the first week. Then the second week. I was supposed to go up, but the class didn't have enough time. Uh-huh. And then I was going to go up second to third week.

And, dog, that was one of the hardest things I ever did was go up, and I knew nothing about that shit. I thought I was going to go in there and they were going to teach me how to fucking act. I didn't know yet to do scenes. I knew nothing about scenes, I don't know. Yeah. Nothing. And he taught me, blah, blah, blah.

And then all of a sudden he goes, listen, I'm going to put you up every Monday at 8.45. She could get out of here and do comedy. So four weeks in the row, he did that. In one scene, a girl goes, he goes, anybody have recommendations for a scene for Joey Dears? There's a true story on the end. And some guy goes, why don't you give him Ford Fair Aid? He kind of reminds me of dice.

And he goes, he goes, halt, stop the class. He goes, I want you to do me a favor of people. I don't care what you're doing this class as long as you don't drink a guy. and come to my class. But I have a third rule. Never mentioned Andrew Dice Clay in this class ever again. Why? So about two weeks later, I started getting auditions, big auditions.

And I call him one day for a private. And then I call him again. They were like $40 in those days, $25, $30. And then the second private, you know, we were talking about New York and pizza and where he was from him and blah, blah, blah. And he told me he was from Brooklyn. And I go, I go, let me.

get in there right now. And they goes, so that's how you know Dice from Brooklyn the old days? And he goes, I thought I told you people not to mention Dice. I go,

listen, man, I'm just curious. I see him at the store and I want to know the animal I'm dealing with. Yeah. And this motherfucker twisted a chair and sat down.

He's like, let me tell you a little story. Oh my God. I knew Andrew before this and this and met, I know his wife, D.D., whatever fucking name was Little Bibi.

The first one. The very first one. Oh. No, she's two. She's number two. Two. Two, what's the name? Trini.

Trini and the whole thing. And he's talking all this shit. He goes, and Andrew at the end bailed on me. And he went with two other writers after we worked hard and stuff like that. He goes to beauty of it is he never called me. Frank Perna. His wife died. His wife died.

Him and his wife taught the class. They were very nice people. And his wife died like a year after I quit. He was kind of mad at me for quitting. I didn't. just told them the truth. They go, Monday's a hot night, bro. And I went to Nevada Chalbick, and Nevada Chalbick had Tuesday mornings

at 10 o'clock. I would go from 10 to 11, 30, 1 o'clock, you know, then after a while, yeah, I would go 10 in the morning and stay till 1. I would do the whole fucking thing. And then they tried to promote me to Thursday nights, and I went and ordered it one time, and I'm like, listen, let's be honest, I could sit there with all those pretty fucking motherfuckers and try to do scenes naked

and shit with all these hot chicks, I can make money because Thursday nights in L.A. is a hot night. It's at least a $50 bill somewhere. Yeah. Somewhere in L.A. If you're a hustling comic,

there's a $30, a $50 bill waiting for you somewhere. Never mind the store or the laugh factory or the improv. That fart was tremendous, was it? It really stayed in the air. It did. That egg will fuck you up. That egg is just drifting.

Lee, where's the fucking Tony Bennett? I think he might have, I think he might have smelled that fart. And that can that don't work for dick No it doesn't Oh my god This is such an Andrews song This was in every one of our

VH1 To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody Twice as smart As I A somebody who will swear to be true.

Sagonia weaver. Segoia. Segoia weaver. Every time I see her, I think of that. Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company. Wait and see and I want to be around. It's funny to watch all those fucking shorts and shit that we watch.

It's amazing, though. What a history of. No. No, I always wanted to be covered. I saw a lot of comics and discommedians, but you got to assume at that time I knew, no, I'm not going to I'm lying to you people. I'm really lying to you people.

I knew how the game worked, but I really didn't. But I always knew one thing, that at one point you didn't want to travel no more as much. Oh, what? And you always wanted to have television to fall back on. Or something that keeps. Keeps you in town. In a spot.

In town. It's really nice. I told people a thousand times. Especially you have a kid and a white. It's really nice to drive CBS Radford five days a week. Four days a week. Go for wardrobe. They got great catering.

It's in the valley. You know, I bumped into a thousand people there from Mount Madrigal to fucking people shooting next to you. Or you can keep carrying your luggage to wherever every weekend. Put your T-shirts with you. I always thought that the resume and the guy who inspired me the most to get my acting chops up was Andrew. I had an interesting conversation with him behind the thing when he was working rascals. He was telling me a story that he got a call from Michael Mann to audition.

To do crime story. To do crime story. And he went down there and he, and this is the fucking pilot. I mean, Andrew shot the fucking pilot jack. He said he went down there like in March. And he read and he knocked it out of the park. And he goes, I booked the role because in between takes, I kept going. That's what the director is really looking at.

So I always remembered that. When I went through the audition, he goes, that's what he's really looking at, is what you're doing in between takes. When the casting people are giving you direction, they want to see how you react to the direction. That's part of the audition tape. So I never forget that. So he said that he got that TV show because he did everything backwards.

He does everything backwards. He did everything backwards because he didn't want to be like everybody else. He goes, why be like he goes, you ever go to an audition? Everybody's doing the same thing outside. Read it backwards. That's why when I go to an audition, I go early. And I listen to the first three guys before me. If they all sound the same, I switch.

I got an audible. I'm calling right in the fucking room. I call an audible. And they're like, oh, shit. This month. The other fucker got it. Even if we take him to the producers, he may not get it. But just the ability that he had to change it up.

To show something different. Yeah, it's to stand out because that's important to stand out. You know, we're talking about Alan Stevens. When I read for Alan Stevens, it would be 2003. By that time, I was getting, starting to get good at auditions, but I was bad at one audition. Are you ready? Mm-hmm.

The one-liner. Oh, like if there was one line. Oh, my fucking. God. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're thinking about acting, there's a thing called a one-liner in a TV movie. Under five or something called? No, no, no, no. There's under five. And then there's when you have a TV show and you have one line. Whose phone is that ringing? Right.

You know, that type of shit. Yeah. Those are the worst auditions in the world when you have to go into a room in front of three people and go whose phone is that I was going into these auditions one after the other after the other

I would go for four auditions in one week and every week three year and a I had a fucking one-liner oh who sent you all those things like one line in the mobster movie you know I mean fucking it was endless there was a parade of one liners and I didn't know what to do

one day by way to Arlis I was going to read for Lisa Dow to some this I got my memory is on the way there as I was walking I go oh shit what the fuck is wrong with me

how stupid am I turn the one line into three oh because you go in let's say on the sheet of paper it says mom what's for dinner there you go okay that's the line on the

sheet of paper. You're actually going to go in there and you're actually going to go in there. You're going to fucking, what's that when you set, when you tell your name? Yeah. There's a mark or whatever. Your slate. Hi, my name is Joey Dears. I'm reading for fucking Henry Dice Clay. Okay, you're ready?

Ma, what's for dinner? Oh my God. That was great. That was great. Do you want me to do it again? No, no, no. That was great. Thank you.

Are you available on the 15? Yeah. They do that just to bust your balls. You weren't great. Any fucking moron could have gone into that room. I said that. The thing is, Yo, Ma.

Action. What are we got? Action. Ma. What's for dinner? Yeah. You just took 10 seconds. You just added beats to it.

Yeah. And turned it into 45 seconds. I can't believe in an acting class on Monday night. It was fucking amazing. Once that came to me, I would have one in one life. If you watch, if you look at the IMDB of me, there's a bunch of the bottom half. You count those in half. Those are old co-stars.

And all those co-stars were one line. All of them. What was the show I did with the hot chick that was on ABC? She played a detective for a while. Her father was the guy from fucking... Esposito? No. No, she was in American Gangster.

She was very good at American Gangster. She played the white dude's wife, the Ira, the Australian guy's wife at the park. Her accent was good. She had a show. One line I had in that. Law and Order, one line. I mean, I just booked one line movie.

Amazing. Then there was a streak I went on that. It was the beginning of every movie. Wasn't Spider-Man a one-liner? Sure it was. And by that time, I was good at one-liners. By the time I went into that one, I sat at home, I scratched my head. I saw him a guy on a train in New York.

what am I supposed to look like? So I went in there with a white t-shirt and a Yankee hat. As tacky as I could be, as they wanted you to be. That's right. I was fat as shit. And on the way there, I stopped somewhere, and I got like a fake newspaper and put it under my arm. So I'm supposed to be on a train. He comes through.

I get to this audition. Holy Walnuts just left. Wow. Like they were there early. Yeah. Like they had a bunch of New Yorkers there early. I was there with the guy from that movie with Clooney and Brad Pitt where they robbed the hotel.

I was in there with a bunch of dudes. I booked a bunch of shit. This lady that booked this booked the Richard Gear movie with the hot chick, the one that he became a fucking gangster over and the chick. The one about the fucking hooker. That he falls in love with the hooker. Nine and a half weeks?

Pretty woman. Pretty woman. She booked nine and a half weeks. So I was petrified already going there. you had a park in the Sony parking lot and walk to the end of hell and it was July I know I read for it like one of those hot days

in fucking March one of those days in March it turns 90 and you go out you go out thinking it's going to be 50 so I had the white shirt on with the Yankee hat and I had a velour black big daddy sweatshirt on that

weighed 20 pounds I walked across that lot with that fucking thing on. I thought I was going to die. I get to the audition. I look at the call sheet. I has all those people's names on them. I'm looking around the room. Guys, between you and me, there's dirty guerrillas in there, all from New York. I got depressed. I looked down and I go, okay, I went and little by little, I slipped closer to the door, and I listened to everybody. Action. If you want to get to how, you're going to get through me. Cut. Thank you. Action. You're going to get to how you gonna get to me. I listened to 10 of them and right there figured it out. I'm gonna go in there

rip this room apart. As I walked in, I said hello to her and her assistant and the producer. But as I walked in, I saw, I walked in towards them and they were on my right, but on my left there was a couch. I forced them to slate me in front of the couch. Okay. Okay. I go, what do you want me to stand? They go right there by the light. I go, and I want to stay. And I go, and I want to stay. I go, And I went under the light by the couch. The couch was behind me, okay? They didn't even see it coming. You don't even see it coming.

I'm excited. And I said, this is Spider-Man too. Take a look at my face. I got holes in it. I'm on Coke. The only way I'm going to fucking do this if I make them remember me. Yeah.

I'm 360 pounds at the time. I'm up for two days. and with all this shit on my mind, I thought of this. And she goes, action. And I wasn't even looking at them. I look over at the camera. I took a pause and I swallowed, like the fat dude and the Chinese connection.

There's a scene where a fat dude looks over at Bruce Lee and he sees that his Bruce then. He goes, and he swallowed. Like a nervous. Like a nervous tit. I swallowed. And I go, you want to get?

get to him, you got to go through me with a little dot in my face and all of a sudden he's supposed to hit me with the tail. I landed on the couch, 360 pounds. The couch tipped over. I tipped over. My hat fell off. They both came over and

helped me up. What do you think got that roll? I saw the movie. You see what I'm saying? I didn't get that role because I was better than everybody. I saw that couch and I thought this is my opportunity to jump backwards like that whip. In the sides.

And it was one of those auditions doing that. You didn't know what was there that you got that. Yeah. They gave you sides with your name on them that were blueprinted, so you couldn't take them copy of them. Yeah, nobody was allowed to know anything. Nobody was allowed to have them, Lee. Same with the wrestlers. I don't think the girls.

We wouldn't have any lines. We just had to walk around the cage. Remember when they were having the big cage? Yeah. It's crazy. Lee. In those days, men in black, you had to get the audition there, read it, and give the line, the sheet back on the way out. That's because everybody was stealing.

And no camera. You couldn't take pictures of the fucking sheets. Or she's not. Hilariously. And now look, they have entire seasons of Game of Thrones getting leaked. How? They do it on purpose. Everybody leaks on purpose.

They're a bunch of lies. I all like mysteriously got leaked. Somebody leaked my naked photos. How do they know who's got naked photos? Guys, I have naked photos on the internet. I want you to all look it up. Are they out there? Oh, kidding.

People would be like, what the fuck? I'm just trying to give people something to do. You know, Lee, it was funny that even with casting, we were talking about breakdowns a couple weeks ago, how breakdowns are what people look for when you want to be in a movie or something. They say, I'm going to the breakdowns to see what's in there today to see if you're in there. The problem we get in the breakdowns is you see the real nitty gritty. Yeah. And just like in the world of whatever, Joe Diaz has a company. He sells medical equipment on the phone.

base salaries, $8,000 plus commissions and incentives, and you got a rental car, and you got a car. Lee Syak comes in. He's one of 100 fucking applicants, you know? What Lee doesn't know is my company, we cut a deal because my brother's a fucking asshole. He cut a deal with some people that for the first three years, before we hire somebody, they got to screen them.

They're charging us $30,000 a year for a certain. we could have done ourselves. Okay, so that's what most people do not know. Yeah. That they have an H&R department that I could give recommendations to, but they do the final thing, okay? Okay. Let me explain something to you.

Who gets hired all the time in today's America? Family. Yeah. Family, okay? Friends, yeah. So yeah, at least I ask a great fucking family guy. But let me tell you some, Illinois. I got a kid out of college.

He's my Godson. needs a job bad that's what Lee doesn't know and he'll do it for no he won't do it for 30,000 no he's gonna get more he's gonna get more than that that's how that works it happens to every that's what how that works sometimes the most incompetent make the most money no I agree you'll see over the years listen you'll see over the years how nephew just got drafted to the Minnesota twins oh shit right so he's in their farm system he's playing the single-A but he didn't get drafted out of college Because they hire family.

You know, the people that, they go one kid that got drafted, like the Puerto Rican kid that he played on VCU, he was a shortstop. He was fucking awesome. He didn't get drafted. Him and Jimmy were like the two best. They didn't get drafted. So they're like, who the hell are they drafted?

And they look it up. It's like family members. One kid got drafted to the Chicago, and then he got hurt. He didn't play the whole year. But he still got like, you know, 100 grand or whatever it was for a signing bonus to get to the it's like what what is this so he had a play in a minor league ball club then boost his stats up that way and then a scout saw him and then

they put him on the twins so now he's in this system but it's just like they only hire family and they pay them out the wazoo family and friends I don't know more about sports like I mean but I'm saying it happens now it's everywhere now like I know in the corporate world we really don't know what we're going up against. Yeah. So that's why when you apply for a job and you do a really good interview and you go for the second interview and you don't get that position, you never know what else is going on. Yeah.

The same thing happens with acting. Yep. If you're a blonde and you're going in for that role, let me tell you something. That director is fucking a blonde on the side. She's getting that role. No matter if you go in there and you cry on the spot, it doesn't matter if you can make smoke go out of your ass. Doesn't matter.

And I can. Yeah. And they don't care. It doesn't matter. All that shit doesn't matter. Because at the end, they're looking out for a friend like we all do in this fucking life. We all look out for that friend. Listen, put him in there.

It's a day's work. Yeah. You know, that's why in the beginning, people really like me. So nine out of ten, it wasn't the role I was going in for. But they felt so bad that they made me go for the callback that they were giving me. Anna Farris. Oh, I love her. She did that movie about smoking weed.

What's that movie she did about getting high all day? Good question. I don't know. Look at high MDB. I love Anna Ferris. She's so funny. I got to make her laugh in the OR once. In 2006, there was this Japanese director that did something big,

and he had all this heat on him. And one day, Anna Farris is doing a movie about Stoners, and she hires this director. This director. director. Like, everybody that I read for was like, everybody I told I was reading for this. I'm like, dog, you have no idea how badass that director is. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He made me go in there three or four fucking times, man, for two different roles. That's how much he dug me. And I didn't get both of them. And like a... Smiley face? Smiley face. Oh, is that a real thing? I mean, that's a real...

Yeah. That's a real movie, yeah. Like a week before Christmas, I got to call. Joey, we're really sorry, but can you come in for three hours? We'll give you scale. You're a security guard that chases her. Thank you for being a sport and coming in those four times. We really loved you, but the producers won a certain way, but I got a day for you.

There's a lot of people who do that. Yeah. Because they know you actually stayed up and you struggled and you're... Yeah. But every audition I got, I could tell you a trick I did that nobody else figured out. I didn't go in there and do what everybody else did. I refused to let myself go in there. You know, before we started the podcast,

we were talking about statuses. And Lee was talking about like a UFC fighter. Like, do people think of later? I always thought of later here. I didn't want to be that. See, I didn't know. I didn't think that at the age of 50 I'd be on the road. I thought at the age of 50 between you and I, Honest Engine.

But you would be. I thought I would be finishing up a TV show and about to get syndication money. That's what I really thought. Was it a big throw? No, no, no, no. I'm talking about I was a plumber.

I did six episodes of season. That's the funny plumber. I bent over, you saw the crack in my ass, you clapped, I walked off stage, I sold some tickets for a couple weeks until they found that I was a fucking pig, and we all moved on.

That's what I thought the outcome was going to be. All right? I didn't know I was going to be fucking cracking jokes. Right, right. But I also knew that just in case I wanted to have an acting resume because I didn't want to wake up one day where you're 50 with one fucking movie that you got. Yeah.

Because your friend put you in it. But besides that, you know, you come here, you become a stand-up. But you got to remember, all our fucking idols did fucking movies. I hate when most comics go, well, this guy's a sellout or whatever. From Richard Pryor to fucking, you. You know, and then Jackie Gleason, they all did movies. That was the final step of this journey. Yeah.

To do this as a fucking artist, and that's what you want to consider yourself as a fucking artist. You got to do movies, short films, long films, some theater. I saw a dude the other day that I got fired with. I got fired from a theater production. That's amazing. It was the worst. It was the worst piece of shit of all time. This is to be on Korean time.

I've done a ton of theater. Oh, my God. Theater in L.A. It's brutal. It's just like signing a day. death warrant. I toured LA with one. I toured all over LA

with a play. There is no future in fucking theater acting in LA. It is so badly. That's how dumb I was. No industry goes. I tried to get to three

different acting troops. I was one of those assholes for a while. I was part of Gary Marshall's fucking theater. Yeah, no, no, no. I did it all. I was part of I O. for a while.

Yeah. Then I realized all those kids were just rich kids that fucking were confused. I want to write on the front of that line. Let me go that way. And I was after three years, the dad's like, listen, moron. The credit card's over.

Yeah. Come back and sell staples for me. Sell stables. Well, I didn't have that. I can go home and work at the typewriter store. What the fuck do you think? I had a better off here. Did you really think my, bro?

My B plan was to sell blow. I was going to marry the mob. I mean, I could still do it because they'll be on their like third divorce now. So I could sneak in there, right? The mob is. Yeah, but I'm just saying these jackals that still live in my neighborhood that call themselves. No, these poor guys. It's just weird that there was.

I had an offer in Atlantic City last week. A guy said, come on, I'll take care of you. It's all right. I said, ask my brother, my brother Jimmy was there. So I go, ask Jimmy, because he knew him, if I can go out with you. And then he went over to Jimmy and Jimmy, he goes, is she really single? And Jimmy's like, yeah, she's single. Why would she lie about that?

And then the guy goes, well, can I date her? And Jimmy's like, you're too short. Get the fuck out of here. Like, just shit all over him. And the guy was like, really? He was about 5-1 with a lot of confidence, a lot. That's what you all leave 5-1? I'm 5-1.

I'm 5-4, maybe. A good day. Yeah, good confidence. I'm pretty, I'm tall, though. I'm kind of goonish, so I drift at a little height. 5-8. That's pretty tall. But for a chick, and then I wear heels because I'm a dick.

How dare you? Like, I'll wear wedges just to piss on you. You know what I mean, Lee? You probably could piss on me. So all together, how many years acting class do you think we're under your belt? Oh, man. All together. Infana, Iris Klein.

I mean, I was everywhere. The year course. Three years at Playhouse West, two years at Joe Amparend D.W. Brown. I went to Temple. I studied with Stephen Stall in Philadelphia. Everywhere. Everywhere you can think of. Because it was something to keep you.

busy. Like, if you weren't, like you, with comics, you could go up every night and work on your craft. With, as an actor, if you don't have a job, you don't have a job. So you have to do the scene study classes. I would have like two and three going at a time. I used to have scene study. My roommate was an actor. So we would do scene study classes on our own. Like, it was just always, it was everything I thought of. And then I'd wait tables at the comedy store at night and break everybody's balls. And they were like, why aren't you doing stand-up? And then 12 years later, after waiting tables all that time, it finally hit me, maybe I should do stand-up.

And it's been 10 years. You believe that? 10 years I've been doing this already. Stand-up. That's for you. February, 10 years. But you know what, bro, you went. But like I could have started when I was 21 when I fucking came here.

Yeah, but you know what? I wasn't there yet. You sat, you watched, you saw what the life was about. And I hated it. inside look at it you know no and listen nobody picks this fucking life this this life is i knew how bad it was i knew how brutal the road was this is a life of punishment man yeah the first five years unless you luck out you know and i and i am blessed yeah opening for andrew no no no but that is a big blessing in that first couple years like he he put me on the road with him and then i got boot

off the stage so he let me go for that one year to really see if I was going to keep doing it and I did and then he brought me back and I've been with him kind of consistent ever since you got booed off the stage how much of an education was that chapter let me tell you theater in the round Westbury music fair in Long Island so they're booing you from the front the side and the back you won't even drive past that place ever again no I'll fucking kill somebody in no no I I kill it governor my goal is to go back to Westbury and fucking destroy them because I was so nervous. I was sweating so bad on stage that my, I had a cute little half bra on under.

Your hands are sweating now telling the story. Yeah, just, I'm freezing. And I was like holding my hands under here. Anyway, so my bra, I had a cute little half top, like a half bra on under my cute shirt. And it slid down, dude. And it looked like fucking tumors on my stomach. That's how much you were sweating. Sweating so about seven minutes of just booing.

booing, booing, booing, booing. They put it on my space. Nobody has an idea what dine is for seven minutes. Seven minutes takes this quick. This is seven minutes, this quick. Yeah, but when you're dying, it's two and a half hours, maybe four. Even if you have three minutes and you're dying at the first minute, you don't know what fucking life is. And they're going, boo, fuck you.

Are you still telling jokes like five minutes in? Yeah, I say I'm from Philly. Fuck the Phillies. Like they play for the Yankees or the fucking giants or whatever they're. Fuck you. The Eagles stink. They start run off sports teams. I'm like,

what the fuck? And I'm throwing out a few good lines. I think I had like two or three good lines. And then I remember like catching eyes with my sister. She drove all way up from South Philly. Thank God she didn't bring her friend Georgie Martin, Gavis his soul. But if he would have been there,

he would have fucking killed at least thousand people. Was his sister booing? No, my sister, she should have. But she stood up and my sister, we look exactly alike, but we're 10 years apart. She just looked at me like, what do you want to do? I want to fight this whole fucking room. I'll start right in this section. You know what I mean?

Like just two South Philly animals ready to just take on long eyes. It was brutal. It was so. And that's when he was like, I got to see if, because he wasn't going to go on stage, Andrew. And I went upstairs and I was like, just go out there. They don't want to see me. It has nothing to do with my act. They just want to see you.

And like, I'm trying to be brave. I'm like, go out there. And then he went out and he had the best set ever because he just shit all over everybody. And like he was, how dare you fucking treat her like that? She's my family. You know what I mean?

Like he was so angry. But I also was dressed wrong. It was bad. It was. No, it was an education. Three months into stand up. Oh, yeah. Three months into stand up.

The nerve of me to go to fucking Westbury Music Fair. To follow to. opening comics, by the way. And then we took an intermission and then I went out. But we had... Oh, yeah. They threw you. He knew that was going to happen.

Yeah, he knew that was going to happen. No. He thought they were going to love me because we had the VH1 show on. No. So he, his brain is 1989. So in 89, when you're on TV, they love you because there was four channels back now. They don't have VH1 and fucking long out. No, it guy, I think they fucking canceled the whole network at that point.

No, no, no, no, no. Brutal. That was terrible positioning. It was brutal. That was, even a fucking experienced guy after an intermission. It's got to be somebody high energy in your face. Even the two guys on before me. To wake them up.

Intermissions, when somebody calls me for a theater show with four or five comics, the first question out of my mouth is who's opening up after the intermission. Where would you rather go? I'll tell you what I'd rather do. I'll do it now. I'll tell you what I'd rather do. How about let me close out before the intermission meeting check? And I'm going to stay there for the extra hour and a half and then they're beaten.

That's where I want to be. Closing out the first half. If you're going to do an intermission. It's terrible. That's the dumbest. If you got a big time headliner, put me on third to close up the intermission or put me on before the headliner, which he won't want to do that. So I knew that was going to happen when they would call me for those things. So I was always telling them, put me up.

Well, we want to put you up before the headliner. Listen, it's not going to work. He's going to kill it. Guarantee, he's going to say no. Sure enough, the guy would call it. Yeah, you're right. You're going to, we decided. We decided.

We decided. He didn't decide. We decided. That was a good idea, Jojo. We're going to put you out. It's brutal. I can't even, like that, doing that, I would, intermission is the weirdest thing I've ever fucking seen.

Like, I get it if you're going to do it and then just bring out the headliner, because then they're going to, especially like a dead. dice because his crowds are so rowdy. And like, we were just in Boston on Saturday. I thought these guys, when I came out, they looked at me like, oh, it's a sacrifice. We're just allowed to take her, right? Like, I mean, it was, they were coming at you. And this was just Saturday.

So it's even worse when you're three months in. Like Andrew said, he sat on the side and watched me because he thought I was going to cut my set short. That's how rowdy the crowd was. They're yelling shit out. So I'm putting fires out. This last week. Just Saturday night.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. In Boston. You're the opening. But you just, I'm saying you still have to beat the shit out of them. Here's the thing. For years. He opened with the poems.

That's how fucking rowdy they were. The poem. If, you know, you're a quarterback. When you're the first comic cup, you're a fucking quarterback. Because you dictate the fucking quarterback. That's one thing I learned. at the comedy store on Sunday night. That no matter who was going up,

Mitzy gave you the power to dictate the show. Do a minute in between them. Feel them out. Do a new joke. Feel them out. Something made me learn how to shift them from one direction to another. A comic goes up there. He's fucking filthy.

He's fucking filthy. And I know the guy behind him is going to be fucking clean. I'm going to do family material for a minute. Just to change their mind. said that's something i know off the bat i'm not gonna go up there carry on being fucking dirty no you've got to reset the root one thing i believe in okay and this is rough coming out of my mouth i don't want the first guy or first girl to be fucking dirty no i get that i really don't want that person to be dirty you know when a promoter does that you're telling me you're ignorant you're putting

three comics for the same if me and eleanor coming to your town it's got to be a clean chick up front. Clean. Spotless clean. Not a curse word could come out of them because by the time I go up there, they've heard everything. They're beating the death with curse words. Right. Yeah. There's not only stand up. There's a psychology to stand up and where you go. When you go out and for the dice, when I used to go out with Rogan, I'm the first guy out. Yeah. My first four but it's a clobbering. If they heckle, I do not respond at all. I don't have time for

heckle. I'm like a fireman's hat. The shit's hit me and it's just flying off. And eventually, they fucking stop. Yeah. They fucking stop. That's what Weald does. He talks over them, he said. Yeah, you got to talk over them. Yeah.

You got to talk over them because of not, you're fucking, it just doesn't fucking work. Yeah. If you react, to those theater crowds, they'll eat you up alive. Well, that's what I'm saying.

They just keep coming at you. You're like, fuck, it's too many fires to put out. Think of those pilot to bombardee guys that used to open up for fucking Sam Kennisin. Oh, yeah. Think of those pilot to bombardier guys. Can you mean like, it's like opening up for Ardy Lang when he was on Howard Stern. Oh, yeah. That crowd comes in, juiced up on fucking metta metadu holding company.

they got everything in their fucking veins you think they want to put up with an opener they yelling screaming you know we come back from the that show happened in Philly with the Bill Burr and people saying that one of the worst audience I ever seen in a music crowd was Philadelphia

Sammy Hagar was up on stage and they were spitting on their fingers and flinging to spit off their fingers in 1982 81 Philadelphia was brutal Philadelphia's always Here's the thing, man I always believe in the control

you have on stage If they get like that It's because you didn't do your job right Somewhere you did Something you came out cocky Yeah you did something I've seen tremendous comics Can't follow their

Intro Oh yeah Like they've made the intro So powerful They're now people expecting smoke, you know, it backfires on you. I kind of got in trouble for that once, David Till. It backfires on you, brother.

Only because I'm such a big fan that I brought, I was hosting and I was thrilled. You know, remember Dan Murr, he got me in that Tempe improv. And so. Rest in peace. I know, right? He was fucking nuts. God, I loved him. But anyway, so he got me that gig and I gave Vitell this amazing.

And he pulled me aside and he's like, honey, I can't. No, no, no, no, no. He's like, please don't. I don't go, I'm so sorry, like, because I don't want to get fired. But, you know, you have to, you got to be careful. Yeah, no, no, no. He's like, bitch, I can't follow that. Keep it short, keep it quick, get in it out.

Boom, boom, boom. You can't sit there. That one of the funniest things I ever did ever. And I don't know where this guy is today. This guy was one of the, when you write your comedy memoirs, he has to be in there. He was a guy. El Paso was one of the best. weeks I had when I was that medium feature act.

Okay. Freddie, everybody did El Paso. El Paso was a tremendous kind of thing. It still is, I kind of think. It still is, but the club is chains, he's chains. A lot of things have changed. But when he was in the Earl Club, the first one, I forgot what the train I thought was.

What the fuck were you talking about? Doing the circuit in El Paso. Like featuring. Oh, just. Following an intro. Okay, so El Paso had this dude that cleaned up at night. Okay. He had the contract at the movie theater.

He had the contract to the restaurant, and that was his last contract. So he would start at the fucking comic strip in El Paso. He'd go, sweep the floors, vacuum, hand-wip the tables, clean the bar, clean the bathrooms, take out the garbage. And then from there he go to a movie theater, sweep the whole movie theater, the bathroom. Some of his wife were a team. Okay. And then from there, they ended up at a restaurant where they'd steam the mats and the whole thing. The guy told me his life.

But one day, he goes, fuck it, I'm going to become a stand-up coming. Okay. And he started busting the owner's balls for fucking MC spots. So between you and I and the guy had personnel, he was a fucking street house. Was he funny or just silly? He knew everybody in El Paso. So 100 people come to the fucking show. And he knew little things.

And one night he opened up for George Lopez. And George Lopez told him he was a star. So he was off and running after that. He had a suit on after that. He was going to dump his wife for another woman. The whole fucking thing. This guy was hysterical. Meanwhile.

I love the suit. And then he'd leave it as a wife. Meanwhile, he still cleaned the club at night, right? So he's walking around like fucking Frank Sinatra. And I get down there. And the first thing, the owner, Bart, God bless this song. He's a great deal. Calls me over and he goes, listen, when he comes over and ask you for a resume, write out two pages.

Oh, I see. Like for an intro. Yeah. That's hysterical. That night I had to go to my fucking condo. Right. You know, born in Cuba, migrated to New York at the age of three, went to cap for school. Oh, yeah.

I gave it to me. Basically your bio. He opens it up and he's like reading through it. And he comes up to me. He's like, you want me to say all this? I'm like, yeah, the headline I had like an eight page. The first weekend when we tortured him. Texas.

Like an eight page. And he went up to the first night, Wednesday night, this fucking moron. Read him. We were in the back howling. Howling people. And he can't, you know. And they said it in the announcer voice? Yeah, with the announcer.

Like coming to the stage. This guy played Billy basketball. basketball for the 6th Street Devils. The 6th Street devil? It wasn't fond of the uniformed. We would crack him. Every comic that went there gave a page resume every week. Every time he hosted.

We tormented that guy, but the final crack. Still doing stand-up? No, no. That guy said there's no stand-up. We broke him. We broke him on New Year's Eve. We threw. On New Year's Eve.

Happy New Year's Eve. You know how we broke him? How? He was the janitor. We took those things you drop in the floor. Oh, yeah, yeah. And his vacuum. His vacuum didn't pick it up.

Fuck you. You just gave me a flashback. You broke him at his job. He got to pick up each piece of fucking confetti. Oh, they stay, man. With his fingers. You said he was there for 20 hours straight. Him and his wife the kids.

Everybody picks something up. Quit comedy. He closed him shop. He got a decent day job and that was the end of that fucking moke. Good, you got him out, man. Otherwise, we'd still be dealing with that piece of shit. Oh, my God.

That was such a fucking... Some people stay in it. That's what we were talking about earlier, too, that you stay in it and you don't, like, know when to get out. I was down there a lot. One thing about bark, God bless him when I was a feed-tracked. He put me down there two weeks of the shot, and every time there was a cancellation, I'd get the call.

So there was a time period for like six months. I would go down there, and that guy hosted three or four nights. And by that time, every time I went, like I said, he started off as a janitor. Yeah. And by like the second time before I didn't see him anymore, he started wearing suits, and he was booking an army base.

It was hysterical a transformation. I would have died. He was booking a restaurant. he talked to to Paulo Francisco about doing a theater with him in Tucson he mentioned my name

I mean this guy was a big shot and then I got a hold of him those two weeks before New Year's I got him with the resume fucking gum under the chairs I went and bought packs of gun I put gum under the chairs

I would come in he said he had a scrape the gum gum out yeah he just hard man who the fuck he was doing this I did that I did that in the final week and in the final week I started

sprinkling graffiti and he kept no way you're an asshole that's too much who keeps putting like that he goes putting graffiti

on the floor I don't know oh my god it's like on the floor like a little bit I'd put like 10 of them I would have killed you like that's a movie

where like the guy snaps and he would listen to it it is It is. Like, I'm doing the glitter or whatever it was. And here's the beauty of that.

He went to the management and said to them, listen, guys, I got to tell you some. Oh, my God. Even the high-powered vacuums won't pull the things from your floor. The confetti. Don't do it. Get the pop bottle. And that's it. The strings are easier to pick up.

Because the strings are easier. They agreed. Trust me. I had to do it. They went out and bought 22,000 pop bottles. But that didn't stop Joey Diaz. As soon as this is a happy New Year. I started flinging that shit from a bag.

Nobody do nothing. The purple lights, everything was dark. That dude came in that night. My phone rang that morning at 8. Dog, who the fuck drew graffiti up in the floor? I have no idea, Doug. Yeah, I can't help you with that. I was too busy doing on stage, doing comedy.

Jesus Christ. I'm fucked up. Me and my family is still here. Picking up little things. The club was closed for two days. They were there, those two days. Wow. Picking each thing up one by one.

I mean, that's... And they stick to your finger. They can't get them into the bag. Listen, I hear Juan Carlos at the comedy store just cursing. Is he still there? Oh, yeah. You see, the problem is, Miss Mizi, Eleanor. I love.

Let me fucking read the shout-outs here. I got to give a special thanks to James Crute for really helping out with my niece's campaign. I love you to death, James. Thank you for what you do. Rayne Mazzio, Gregory Harrison, Joey Crooklyn, what's happening? Phil Castillo,

Yusif Gough, Kirkar Sarati, Ray Dwack, and music while boozing podcast. I got you, cock sucker, you know what I'm saying? We got you. Don't forget,

next, uh, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday. The party starts Thursday night at the Pittsburgh Impra in Homestead. I know they say Pittsburgh Improv is to impress you, but it's really in Homestead. Don't forget, September 28th to the 30th, Pittsburgh Improv, Homestead. I've heard nice things about Homestead. It's nice.

I like it. I'm looking forward to it. You know, I've never been to Pittsburgh. That's how silly I am. You're going to get your life together. It's only six hours away from Philadelphia. I got to take a plane. No, I mean.

Oh, yeah. It's pretty quick that way. So I land in Philly on Wednesday and go to the hospital, get a hotel room, go to dinner with My brother smoked a couple bowls on. Then Thursday I wake up. I eat the free breakfast. There you go. I just take the shuttle to the fucking airport and baboon.

Do the first show Thursday night. Friday, two shows, Saturday. I come back. I'm home for two weeks and I go to Tampa Improv. Nice. And then that following week, we're only going to do one podcast on Monday night because I'm leaving too quick. So that's still. So, oh, you mean like, because you're going to do?

going back to back, right? I got, that's the hardest part. Yeah. When you leave on Wednesday, it's a little on the rough side for me, but I got to tell you something, you're paying me, I committed to doing a job. You know what? I'd feel a lot better if you came in on the day before. I agree.

Both of these, I'm not getting killed. One day I leave it two, and the other flight's at two. Perfect. So at least I take mercy to school. Yeah. I eat breakfast with my wife. You know, LAX is not that bad at that time. I'm not fucking dying.

Yeah. The only thing I don't think about those flights that are usually delayed. Really? The one o'clock? Yeah. Motherfuckers. You're dead to 435, 455, which ain't bad.

You go get a nice lunch. You already ate an edible. So you're on fire at the airport. You know what I'm saying? I get fucked up. Trust me. This last, oh my God, on the way to fucking Oklahoma this week,

I got just ripped out of my mind by mistake. Kellanah. Like you took too much? Here's what happened. But you know. I take these things at night to transmission fluid. So today we ate two of them apiece.

These transmission fluids are a killer. For your car or your body? No, they're edible, but I call them transmission flow. Because they clean everything up? No, they smell just like transmission flow. Oh shit. Like if you drip the all from a transmission, that all that comes out, this is exactly what it smells like.

So anyway, they make a long story short. I got to go on fucking. Friday morning. The show's on Saturday. I want to get there. They want no problems. It's tornado alley. They only have a direct on Friday at 10 in the morning. It gets me to 3 o'clock. I have the guy pick me up at 7.30. I get in the fucking car. I already had a protein shake, and my wife makes scrambled eggs, one piece of toast and two little pieces of bacon. I'm on the weight watch the fucking thing in the morning. She's driving me crazy, but it's working. I fucking get in the car. I talk to Lee.

And I go, oh, I packed home. Would you got to be crazy? It's 7.30 in the morning. Which is late for you. It's 7. 7.30? Yeah, I don't fly. He'll take it at 3 a.m.

I'll take them at 3 if I'm going to fly out at 6. So when you fly out at 6, that means you're going to be in the air for fucking 5 hours. You got to be prepared. You got to time you're edible just correct the Mundo. I can't. So it peaks at the 3-hour point. So at the 3-hour mark, you got to actually sit down and go, should I jump off the plane?

I do I want to watch another movie. You know what I'm saying? That's the feeling you are. Wait, do you stay awake on the plane? Oh yeah, I can't sleep back. He roams the plane. Oh my God. That's brutal.

I'm sorry. I got to make the best of it. But when I go to New York, when I go to New York a boss and I take fucking mint. Yeah, JetBlue. That's what we took on the way back. And I plugged that motherfucker in. And I plug that sleep apnea machine.

And I slide that little door in. I put that little sleep apnea. mask after they bring me that fucking breakfast on jetty blue i put that bed all the way back i fold up my sweatshirt as a pillow they give me a pillow perfect oh my god your feet fit right under there you put the air on your head and it's napping no to the time somebody always slips me a pill in new york somebody always slips me a pill in new york or two we took that home from boston i fucking i break that in half i put it under my tongue after breakfast but all i'm hearing it is we're about the descent

pull your seats up and you're like fuck but this week was completely different I get well Oklahoma shorter right three and a half three and a half okay I get on the fucking plane I'm in the fucking Uber

I'm talking to the guy I go one of them I'm gonna eat this out of but we're starting to get to the airport fast because after you pass a certain point there ain't no traffic on the floor yes it's pretty fucked up you're like what is going on? Sunset. Sunset,

it's, now you're doing 90. Everyone's getting off. Everyone's getting off and then you're fucked and right around when the 4 or 5 and 10 meet for a second.

Yeah. Anytime there's another. Right, right, right, right. They don't know how to do it. But the first one is sunset and the second one is the 10. After the 10, you're the only one in the H-OV lane.

The cops won't even pull you over. Yeah, they don't give a fuck. It'll start around like Santa Monica maybe. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. Oh, motherfucker. I keep a baby in the back. So I just hit the 10 and I go, let me pop this out of them. It's got to be 5 to 8.

I popped this whole 200 milligram. Now, this thing hits, if I eat that night, it hits me for about a half hour, 45 minutes. What are you talking about? It hits me. Look at me. Do I look fucking fucked up to you? Yes. All right, anyway.

To make a long story short. I'm going to hit you. I'm sorry. I get to the airport and I'm checking in. And I already feel it hit me. I only had fucking eggs. I only had eggs. So I get upstairs.

I get through there. It's Terminal 5. I see lemonade. And I go in there. I get old meal and a fucking watermelon. Oh, you mean that fucking weird place, lemonade? Yeah. Not the lemonade rest.

I think it's called something else. Okay. It's not lemonade. It's called something else. But their specialty is old-fashioned lemonade. I always have the rosemary, whatever. Magnail lemonade. Fancy.

I never. eat the eggs and know that shit. I always eat the fucking oatmeal is delicious. What they've done to lemonade. Let me tell you something. By the time I got on that plane, I put that fucking eye, that fucking I uh, eye pot on, whatever the fucking is. I start listening to music.

You know what I'm saying? Before I get off, before the plane even takes off, I really listen to an album. The fucking plane takes off. I got to tell you some dirty minutes in the air. I can feel my fucking I am getting fucked up, Jack.

And it ain't get no better. I'm going. What do you do? What if you have an anxiety attack? I got two pills in the bag. I got everything in the bag. Two brush, blood pressure medication, two Xanax, one ambient. I got more shit in that bag than fucking a pharmacy.

I'm like drugstore cowboy. Yeah. I'm like Matt Dillon and drugstore a cowboy. Joey Pharmaceutical. Because I know I'm going to have an anxiety attack anything from those edibles. Yeah. I also got a vapor pen. I'm prepared.

But I have a prescription for anxiety medication. I just really never fucking. taking unless I'm taking edibles. I'm afraid to take any anxiety. So there's a point where the edibles are getting anxiety. But no, let me tell you something. I don't drink alcohol on the planet and I don't do nothing.

I just chomping this nicotine gum and I drink water like a motherfucker dog and I get feizzled. Do you understand? I get fucked up. We land, I'm fucking lit. I mean, when we land that, I was fucking lit. I remember

getting to that airport going. Oh, it's only three in the afternoon. I got a dilemma here. I got on that fucking thing. Me and Kate Drove, the Indians, nice little Indian lady, and the driver drove us to the thing. I went to my room, I don't know.

It was the first time. It was a long time. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was walking around in the room with my Miondi's on, right? With socks on with me on these, with no shirt on. Do you remember what you designed?

Was it like the camo? The camouflage. The green camsies on. I'm flying because I always fly with sweatpants on now. People don't have an image. No, no, no, I'm done. I agree. I got some nice fucking gear from those people that make the sports stuff immediately.

You know the sweatshirt that I gave you, Mike Tyson and stuff? Oh, right. Roots of Fight. Roots of Fight. Sent me a box last week. Great. Excuse me. And they always send me sweat gear.

So, I mean, they send me two pants, these sweatpants. So I wear one thing. go there and want to come back. No more fucking belt than nothing. I put a white t-shirt on to look nice, ironed, you know me, old school. Philadelphia, Joey Napolitano.

And I put a sweatshirt on a hooded sweatshirt, so I look decent. Let me tell you something at the two-hour mark. I was on fire on that point. It was fast, too. I didn't put, and I had the computer with the... You had the lemonade, right? It's because of the sugar? I don't know. It don't matter. I was on fire.

we land we go back to the hotel room I don't know what to do I said fuck I'm gonna take a shower I'm going on the stairs and he had a bunch of plans right before I went to this shower this fucking I had a bunch of plans I was gonna do this then I was gonna hang out

with the Indians play the friend smoked a piece pipe right play wheel of fortune fucking go to the steakhouse yeah and the next thing you know I had this creepy tiredness lurking it over me and I go you know what let me put this sleep at the machine together.

I put that sleep at me machine together. I looked in the thing and there was a little bag. I forgot they gave me a chocolate chip oatmeal coconut cookie. When I checked in, I fucking took that little chocolate oatmeal cookie and I'd been into that motherfucker and I had a value in it. And dog, I snub from 430 to 7.30. I woke up. I fucking took a shower.

I got out. I called Kate. She said she passed out. I was still. when I went to dinner. I killed the dinner. I had a cup of soup, a salad, a six ounce filet, and a lobster

and a piece of bread with butter. There you go. That fucking, that transmission fluid had me going. For a whole day, that's crazy. The whole fucking day, 200 milligrams. Usually I eat 200 milligrams, nothing happens.

It's like a fucking walk in the park like on a pirate thief, Uncle Joey. You know what's sad? I don't take anything. I don't do any drugs I sit on the plane The minute they start that fucking thing I'm out like a light

God bless you Until they land Sometimes they have to wake me up The only time I ever took something Was when we went to Australia Because it's like a 15 hour flight What'd you think? My ex gave me like

I think it was Valium It was the first time I ever took it But he's like I started having anxiety About flying overseas Like over water Because you know I never leave the States

You know So we don't go over So I started panicking, like, oh, fuck. I don't mind if we go down and hit land, but if we hit water, I'm terrified of the ocean. That's perfect. The shark will be right there and bite you and all. I hope so. Nobody fucking loses nothing.

But in my head, it gives you anxiety. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's fine. Everything's fine in the airplane. But it gives you anxiety so your brain starts fucking. So I'm like 15 hours. I can't sit still for, I can sleep for six.

Why didn't sign up for that shit? I know. But I did it. What interesting. Let me tell you. I don't give a fuck what type of people, how interesting they are. What's the football? Is it a Vicodin?

Is it a value? I don't know. They make all different sizes. I took a tiny piece. Oh, Zanix. Yeah. Zanics. Okay.

I took a tiny piece of that. I slept after I filled out the fucking form. They make you fill out. Whatever. Here's your form, lady. I put the blanket on me. I slept. They woke me up when we landed.

Good for you. The guy, when we were getting off, the guy that was sitting next to me to tried to talk to me in the beginning. I'm like, it's not going to work for you, buddy. I'm out. Like, I have anxiety. I'm a fucking mess. I'm woozy. I think of Cosby. I always say that. Like, I woke up and I'm like, fuck, did I just get raped by Bill Cosby? Like, that's how high I was. For 15 hours? 15 fucking hours. And then the guy, like, we're walking out and it was all, like, these crew guys, they were, I forget who it was, Miley Cyrus or somebody they were for. So they were walking out and they were meeting up with each other as we were walking out.

And the one guy said to the other guy, oh, how was your flight? He goes, it was good. He goes, she slept the whole way. Like, he was talking about it. Like, I can hear you, fucker. But I did. I, on the way back, I woke up the last two hours.

And that was. And that's not bad. That wasn't terrible. You wake up, you look at the clock, you have two hours left. You're like, God damn. But I definitely lost a chunk of my brain from that. Because I put me out.

I'm a weak. You know, I'm an easy target. If anybody wants to drug me, I'm just letting you know. Listen, man, I'm happy you took the time to come on tonight. You got balls of steel. Always a pleasure. I love it. Thank you.

You still host the Comedy Store with, what's his name? Rick Ingram and I, we host the Comedy Store podcast. You every week? We have every week. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it's a pain in the ass because, like you said, we're traveling. I was just going for 12 days.

And then in August I was out for like two and a half weeks on the East Coast. I took a little vacation with my family. family and did some gigs. I was supposed to roast Pete Rose and it got canceled because he was, apparently he fucked us and a few other underage girls. So some shit went down. But that would have been fun, man. What an easy target.

They never stop on Pete. Poor fucking Pete, bro. It never ends with my boy Pete. Nobody knows how much I love Pete as a young man. Pete meant everything. The hardest worker. There somebody told me he was Cuban and I lost my mind. I go, who fucking talked?

told you. He goes, I'm telling you. My teacher told me that, Barone to bust my balls. I love that. He said, he's Cuban. He goes, I go, well, when did you see that? He goes, I saw him one night talking like a stomach hurt. And he goes, his name is Pedro Rosario. And I fucking died, dog. I went home and told my mother, you know, Pete Rose Cuban. She's like, get the fuck out of here. Go to your room.

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