The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #519 - Jim Norton

Episode Date: September 25, 2017

Jim Norton, a Comedian who is currently on his "Kneeling Room Only Tour," and also hosts "Jim and Sam" on SiriusXM, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 09/24/2017.
  

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as good as it fucking gets right here. Get ready Can fucking shoot yourself Right here Many nights on acid I was ready to shoot myself right here Are you kidding me or what Turn off fucking Rianne

It's over This is it, cock suckers This might be my favorite Sabbath song All time Either this or a national acrobat Off of Sabbath Sabbath 30 Sabbath

I love that song Tremendous He's got a couple of those jams You listen to when you were young And you're like I don't know he's on to something Yeah What's that king of the world

Is it? Who? Lord of this world. Oh, Lord of this World off Master Reality. Yeah, that's amazing. Let me tell you something, Jim Norton. The first time I bought Master Reality, I put on three songs, I took it off,

and I swore I'd never listened to it again. You didn't like it or it was freaked out? It freaked me out. It was just too deep for Uncle Joey. My mom had just died. I bought it the same night the Exorcist was on TV. And I put the album on as I was watching the Exorc doing homework. And I'm like, what the fuck?

Hang the Pope on a rope? Yeah. Do you think he's a fool? Get this shit off my fight. And I liked Volume 4 and Sabbath. the buddy Sabbath and technical ecstasy and the whole thing. That arm I didn't get back into until years later. That was a really pro-God album, though.

Like, after Forever is kind of pro-God. It's funny. I argue with a religious teacher about this in high school. My gym teacher was a born-again Christian who would always do Coke, and he fucked the students, and he eventually overdosed and died. But he was like a real Christ pusher. What a great story. Yeah, yeah.

And we would talk about this, and the album, he was like, it's against God. I'm like, no, it's actually pro-God. It was kind of coming from the point of view of criticizing people who didn't believe. It was an odd song for Sabbath to do. You really loved them from day one. My favorite people. Of all time, bigger than Kiss. You love them more than Kiss.

Kiss was longer. You know, it's funny. Kiss are my first idols. My first heroes were kissed. You know, I could they make up when you're seven years old. You know, I mean, men in fucking makeup, a little that I know how long that would carry over for. But, you know, when you're a kid, they're like giants. They're like fucking, you know, they're gods.

They had the heels. the makeup fire. Like as a kid, it was just larger than life. But Sabbath is my favorite. They can't not be. I love him. I love him.

Fucking Iommi's an animal. He's got stage two cancer and he, you know, did the album and did the whole tour. Did two tours? With stage two cancer? Stays through cancer. Unfucking.

What's going on in your world? Great to have you on. Thank you. It's good to be here. I'm okay. I'm touring again. So I'm kind of like obsessed with fucking ticket counts now. It's not fun to tour

because all you think about is, is ticket. Is it over? Am I finished? It's a fucking horror show. What am I doing? It's not sold out. It's half sold or it's three-quarters sold.

It's like what I... You know, it's not fun. It's not about the gig. And then you do the gig and people laugh in both shows so far. I've only done two Seattle and Portland. They were amazing. The crowds were amazing, but I still find fault in it because they weren't sold out. Like they were nice crowds, but they weren't...

It's like you can't win. I feel like I can't win. I mean, by win, I mean, be happy. Like I can't just feel good that I'm touring and people are loving the material. You know what I mean? I look at the negatives. We all do. Yeah, I guess so.

I wasn't filled up, but there were still 2,000 people. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, I don't do you laugh. They fucking giggled. They knocked themselves out. I see, hey, listen, I just look at the same thing. A couple weeks ago, that fucking Connor McGregor fight, the whole weekend was great until Saturday night.

Yeah. And, you know, the tickets went on sale after I took the fucking gig. Sure, sure. So you knew what Saturday night was going in. I got the numbers for Saturday. That was heartbroken. What was it? It was a club?

You know, I did like 150 a show. I was heartbroken. But that was it. Yeah, it's a fight. It's a giant. Rogan said he did 22 on the seats, but 500 people didn't show up. Because fucking, uh, they announced the McGregor fight after this. The tickets were on sale.

My dad worked in nightclubs and he would be pissed when it would rain. Like there's just some things you can't, you can do everything right. And then rain happens or a snow storm like in Buffalo last year when they had 11 feet of snow. or something crazy. What are you going to do if you have a show at the helium? Let me tell you something. There's some cities you go to when there's a fucking playoff. Oh, forget it. One event like Houston or Denver or one of those towns where you're in no fucking danger. You're just in no danger. You can't compete with that. Those Midwest towns that sports is fucking everything, you know.

But the club knows that. I get shit like, hey, you know, we don't know what's happening. Bread is touring. They're going to be here in four months. And I guess people are saving up for those tickets. I get lame excuse. I don't get the Cowboys were in the playoffs this weekend. I get shitty. You know, there's a Benettar cover band

that's really popular around here. You know, Saturday's going to be horrible. When you can't sell out a Saturday comedy club, it's time to put a fucking pistol in your mouth. It's because half of them sell out with a fucking hologram.

They sell out with a hologram. They sell out. People want to go out on the sign. They don't want to go to the movies. You come to town. It's a tough. You know, I love stand-up more when I was broke.

I think you're right. I loved it. When I was just fucking around going to bowl. Lucky to make any money. Lucky to make 30s or 50 and 80, you struggled. Once you get, and all you want is an open mic or a feature actor is to headline it. Yeah.

Then it becomes this different fucking situation, radio and tickets and, oh, do you have a publicist? Oh, I need a fucking publicist now of a sudden because the club don't want to do the work. Even though on the fucking thing, they bang you for three grand for advertising. Sure, sure. What advertising do you do it? I want to see the fucking ads. Yeah, that's where you need a road manager. You actually look for the receipts.

For the fucking receipts. It's one thing after the other To really catch it You gotta fucking bring 22 fucking people And bring somebody with a fucking seat counter Because you know half these clubs Pad the fucking place for an extra 50 chairs Yeah they do

Matter of fact Kenny has caught them before When Kenny was coming with me He caught a club putting in almost 50 extra seats Or when you have a good Thursday They're like yeah we papered the room Well you know the contract said you can only have 10 fucking seats Unless we approve and they do it anyway They're all shitty

They're all shitty man So I get why people get big and then kind of act shitty or scummy to them. But, you know, the obsession over ticket accounts and that kind of stuff, it just defeats the fun of doing it. And then at times it's not fun because you obsess over the business side of it or the other side of it. And the laughs don't even matter.

Like you start looking at the ticket counts and it's like, oh, the laughs don't matter because who cares how many people are like, which is stupid. It's the wrong way to look at it. But it's hard not to fall into that. No, it's a tough fucking way. Then your agents call you, hey, the club wants to do those things. Those two-for-ones? What are they called?

Oh, they were spiling getting with Fred. No, the other one, what's the Goopan? Goopan. Oh, Goupon. That drives me correct, because then they do it every night. They go to get the thing and they did 22 Groupon's a night. Really? Yeah.

22 Groupon's a night you did, you're thieving motherfuckers? No, you didn't. No, you fucking didn't. There's not even 22 people on fucking Groupon. Yeah. I go on Groupon. I love it. I've never been on it.

I go on it. Oh, yeah? For different shit. What do you buy? One time my acupuncturist was in Israel, so I fucking had to go to a different chick to get cupped. So I bought five cuppings over here on Studio City from some fucking chick that smelled like incense and shit. It wasn't even worth the aggravation. Intents and I smelled, though.

No, but she was too creepy for me. It was too L.A. Oh, okay. I got an old Jewish lady from the village that fucking throws a couple needles in me once a week with no drama. There's no skepticism. Do you like, I did acupuncture recently. It actually helped. I fell asleep on the table.

Yeah, no, no, no. It's tremendous. And the first, I know for, I know one thing for a fact. See, I usually go to acupuncture on Tuesdays, and it sucks. Because they tell you, when you go to acupuncture, do yourself a favor. Drink two gallons of water and stay home and put your feet up. Don't do dick. But Tuesday night is such a big comedy night.

You got to go out. But I'll tell you what, there's times I fall asleep on a Tuesday, and I sleep hard. And it's from those needles. They do it for you, right? You tell her to put a couple extra needles for sleep, they wind your engine down. There's a fucking thing in your ear. Well, when I walk in, she'll, it's like a piercing. And she'll fucking spin.

She'll make it spin. On the way home, I'm like, why the fuck I should have brought a pillow. Yeah. On the 405 or something like that. Yeah, we get the needle sometimes over the fingernail hurts. Between the toes hurts. In the middle of the forehead. I've gotten them everywhere.

But between the finger webbing hurts, toe webbing hurts. Oh. And the ones that hit the little bone above your fucking, right where the skin meets the finger. You have no fucking idea. I don't do the feet. I don't mind the feet. I don't know. You know, you know, Ashley will wait the next time you go pull her aside, throw it.

next to 15. Let me ask you something. I want a hard on that I could drill fucking streets with. And those Chinese people, they got a fucking way that they'll put 22 needles in you. And your dick will get so hard. Like I asked them once, like all this stuff with testosterone, do you have a treatment for that? She goes, yeah, but it's done through the feet. It's a fucking night man.

It hurts? It hurts like fuck. Really? I think they get a harder dick. It's through the feet, too. She's told me already because I've been going on for 10 years, 11 years. So I have, you know, I fuck around with him and say off-color shit to her. So I asked her once, anybody come in here to get their dick hard, and she goes, I have a system that's so good that the guy came back and said to turn it off.

Really? Because he was fucking everything. He couldn't stop fucking. So what is it that it does? I guess it just gets the blood flow. It's all blood flow. It's all blood flow. It's like a caveraged jet in your feet.

It was so weird how my ankles were really fucking swollen. That's when you know a fat guy's about to go. When you see a fat guy, look at his ankles. I don't care if he weighs 900 pounds. If his ankles is skin, he's got a chance. But when you see those big ankles and they're trying to get red, he's got a couple days left. And my ankles were like that. And she told me, she goes, well, first I'm going to do is to get that blood flow through that.

Because all acupuncture really is is circulation. Circulating through all those. What do they call those things? Vains? No. Chakras. Chakras, yeah. There's different spots and they put the needle in there.

And they got a lot of different shit going on. I mean, they really do. Chakra's a good pervert word. This is how Al Gore, you know, to remember Al Gore had that thing with a massage therapist and then I believed her because she said that Al was saying

hey, my chakras need work. That's like a midsection word where you want a girl to put her hand by your dick. That's why I believed her because she said that Al was asking for his chakras to be massage. And if you say that, you're a fucking creep. You're a fucking creep.

You're a creep. Whatever happened with a... I forget his name now. The guy who has the plane, He was in Greece. He had like 18. Muhammad Atta? No, no.

Whatever the white guy's name is. He had like six or seven male. Travolta. Whatever happened. I never heard of like a ending to that story. They pay him off. I'm guessing that. The church of Scientology sends a guy with a black suit

and they give you a check for 30 grand. They say, move on with your life. Then they break into your house and steal her from you. Yeah. They're fucking creepy fucking people of Scientologists. They'll give you a check, but then they'll do something to you to fuck with your life. You know what I'm saying? Like Terolta has done.

that. I don't know. You know, Travolta's fun. He's a weird kid. I think everybody feels that he is, but nobody can prove it. There's a picture of him kissing a guy like on a plane. It just goes away. I don't know how. And then some people fucking drop an N-bomb on Twitter and their careers are ruined.

You know what I mean? It's amazing. What can stick and what can be, you know, have that whole Delahoya panties thing go away. Because, listen, panties, Wonder Woman suit in the closet. What's the code guy that got the fucking Spider-Man suit in the closet? Coke, I charity? No, no.

No, no. The other guy that... He's a great actor. You know, he... Less than Zero, and he went deep, and then he came back now. Robert Donny Jr. Robert Donny Jr. He got caught with a fucking Batman suit in his closet and the whole fucking thing with a bag of blow. Listen, that...

That shit is very passe. You know what? Joe Rogan's gay. Jim Norton's gay. Joe Diaz is gay. Who is him? Nobody cares. You got a picture. You got a picture of Jim Norton, Swap and Spitt with Artie Lang. Who gives a fuck? Nobody wants to see that.

I'd like to see that. I'd like to see that. I'd like to see that. Anthony would love to see that. But it's so funny how it's passe. You know, John Travolta's gay. Tell us something we fucking don't know. Yeah, who cares?

Tell us something we fucking don't know anymore. It doesn't mean anything. Somebody told me that they Kevin Hart's in trouble again. Yeah, it's a fuck. No one cares. He's a millionaire. He's going to fuck 80,000 women at three mill of pop and they don't even dent his bank account. Okay?

Who else got? Look at this other guy. He's got a fucking coat. He's still. selling records, pissing on chicks. Art Kelly. Art Kelly. Some shit sticks, but then Kathleen fucking Griffin puts

a picture of a fucking president with her head and she gets canceled even from fucking... I fucked her. Did you? No, no. Even bananas canceled that one. Bananas cancels you in Jersey. Yeah, you're in trouble. You got a fucking problem. Even bananas canceled her. So who knows what the

fuck you're going to do that's going to end it. Right. It's the stuff you don't see coming. You know, the major ones, it's the one thing you say on Twitter. It's the one rebuttal you say to someone. You call the wrong woman a cunt or something like that. Or you comment on how ugly a kid is and you find out that this special needs kid and you didn't know. It's only that one thing that snowballs that somehow sticks. But then some guys are just Teflon.

I guess it all depends on the crisis management team you have working for you. If you have enough people and enough lawyers, you can shut anything up. Are you guys careful about what you say on email now? I'm careful about everything I say that can get me sued publicly. And on email, careful, sure. Email's been coming out a lot recently. And it seems like, I think people used to think it was private, but it's coming out. Well, what would you write on email?

Like, I would never threaten someone on email. People do it. I would never go to a chick and say, suck my dick on email. There's no fucking track paper. That's common fucking sense. Well, it's just things you'll say like, you know, you talk shit about somebody that you know to somebody else. You might bash somebody to somebody else.

And then all of a sudden it comes. That's about it's Sony. They caught these people talking all this shit about the people. People that, you know, these performers, yeah. Fuck them. They deserve to get busted if you're going to. Just pick up the phone and go, Jim Norton. I don't really like the fucking.

Yeah. God knows that call's been made before in show. Yeah. Why the fuck are you emailing people back and forth to let people know what you think? It's on paper. Yeah. Would you tag?

I'm married. I don't want nobody texting me saying, do you want to lick my balls? My phone is an abomination. It's an abomination, my phone. Nothing but fucking filth. Nothing. I finally cut the text off.

Did you? You can't text me no more. Nobody can't. Really? Yeah. Done. I don't even know that it was a service. Yeah, that's a service.

Why? Because I'm sick of them. It gets out of control. It just, they just go crazy. You got to call? Yeah, just call me. Because if I call you, I sick to you to fuck out. Yeah.

But the text is, you don't even know who's texting you half the time. I don't even know who's texting me after time. I'm addicted to it. I'm addicted to that rush of that little red, like, it's hard not to look at my phone. I resolve crisis through my phone. Everything is done through the phone. What kind of crisis do you read? Just any time.

I'm having this relationship thing now where I'm just really frazzled man and my extra girlfriend's helping me actually. We're talking a lot and I'm like just going through it. Do you think that she might have meant, you know, I'm just dysfunctional. I'm not saying that because you think comedians are supposed to be dysfunctional. I'm fucking 49 and I stink at being involved. I stink at it. I'm terrible at it. It always ends badly. You know, I don't know what I want. How long are you married? I'm a little of a 17 fucking years. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, but it's something that... I don't know. I don't feel... I feel like at times I don't give it what I should like... Yeah. But we're setting our ways, Jim. You know, you're setting your ways when you come to relationships. This shit I won't even fucking tolerate in my world.

I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. And that's why I lost my first wife. This is the second time I've been married. What won't you tolerate? Just, I don't, we have one fucking life. Somebody says they love you, you love me. That means don't break my fucking balls. All right, that means just don't break my fucking balls.

After five years, you get to understand a person's patterns. And you get to understand my patterns. Even if we're fucking roommates, I get to know your patterns. So how fucking stupid are you? You know what I'm saying? You can't figure out what is going on here. And I can't figure out what's going on with you. My problem is I figure out the pattern, but then I don't like something in it.

So I try to change their pattern. I get mad when they try to change mine. But I love to figure out that pattern. It's a good way to put it. But a lot of times I see things I don't like in it, and I harp on those things. And I try to change the... I'm a fucking psychopath. Like, I really am crazy, man.

Me too. But this is the thing. You have to look at people. When I was young, if a girl sucked two dicks, I wouldn't date him. Really? Yeah, I was one of the ones. Not only when I date her, I'd kiss her when she was done. I was one of those facts.

Oh, I'm a fucking, completely creep. If I went to a bar and I was talking to a girl and you pulled me aside and said, I fucked her in the ass two months ago. I don't need to talk to this. Really? You wanted them pure? I wanted to have my, I don't want them to fucking, because somewhere along the line is going to bother me. It will.

You know, and I had that problem in my 20s and early 30s. Then one day you're like, who gives the fuck? Would they fuck? Look at the fucking animals you fucked. I finger banged an Indian with a yeast infection in, fucking in Idaho. Who am I the judge? Well, a woman blows if she blows a Hindu

or fucking dirty homeless dude. What do I give a fuck? You're saying? So you just, in other things, you also start lowering your standards. Sure. Just like women do. When you're 22, everybody wants Farrah Fawson.

When you're 40 and you're single, you'll take a chubby chick. Yeah. And a cesarean scar and a fucking missing tooth. Yeah. She's got insurance. She got a nice car. But she'll work hard.

too. You know she'll work harder. She'll work harder. It's that, that too, but I didn't want to die alone. When I was young, I wanted to be Charles Bronson. I want to live by myself and be rugged, and I don't know what you're

talking about. Backhand women. You know, push them and shit and leave them money after you fuck them like Charles Bronson. Who wants to die alone? You know, I've been thinking about that too. I'm 49, and I don't feel like a midlife crisis where I want to buy a sports car and

meet the younger chick. I've always did a younger chick. But now I just feel like, yeah, man, you've been alone a long time. You're set in your ways. And I kind of met somebody recently who I think I fell in love with. And I just think it's falling apart now. And it's been really fucking depressing me, like really depressing me. That I couldn't make this work. And I might still be able to make it work.

I don't know. But if this one doesn't work, I mean, I don't know what options I have because this one seemed on paper to be perfect. And it's not. But I'm not. fucked up. Like, it's my shit, I think. She's not perfect, but my shit just kind of, I like to test people, and then when they don't pass, I can leave them.

It's crazy. What's a test? You know, put a scenario where I'm going to somehow be less than. Like, I remember one girl, I was making her telling me that her boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend, had a bigger dick, and I was somehow

convincing her to say that she preferred that. And she was like, no, I like your dick, but I just wouldn't stop. And then when she said it, felt devastated, but the goal all along was to feel devastated. So it's almost like none of this is about the woman. It's all about me feeling fucked up. I want to feel bad. Like I like to be, my ex-girlfriend just pointed out to me.

She goes, you like to be wronged. And I'm like, I do like to be wronged. I like to be fucking hurt and wounded. It feels natural and comfortable. Like that feeling between your throat and your appendix scar, oh, it's like that ache that you had when you were a kid. and you wanted to date a girl who didn't like you. Like I've told this before,

but in high school, my fantasies about girls. I used to fantasize about being in the high school auditorium or in the lunch area and being savagely beaten, like with bats and being bloodied and fighting, and then somehow she liked me after. Like, I always had this weird association of, like, horrible things happening, and then love comes.

First, the horrible thing. and then the love comes in the like resolving the horrible thing. Like I don't know why I felt like I had to have that awful feeling in the stomach before I could enjoy being loving. So when I didn't get that naturally, I set it up. I try to set it up and make it happen. It's crazy. It's interesting.

Let me ask you this. When you get on stage, how do you feel? Depends on the night, depends on the ticket counts, depends on where I am. Some nights I feel great and creative. Because it all go away. What do you mean? All that feeling. Yes.

Last night, I said all go away. Last night, I was in Portland. And ticket accounts weren't what I wanted, but the crowd was amazing. And I, before I went on, I was in such a pit sitting upstairs in the green room. I'm like, I really want to fucking throw a belt around my neck. I'm like, really don't want to, and I always do shows. But it was absolute despair. And then when I was on, it went away.

And I still felt it, and I was still thinking about it. But the crowd was so good. And you know how it is when you're feeling creative and you feel great. And it was just, I felt so disastrously bad that nothing mattered on stage. So it was good. When you're free, you're usually much funnier. And I felt very free and comfortable. And then right after, I was right back to where I was.

So, but that, but it all did go away on stage. It was great. You're a brilliant guy. Thank you. I don't have to finish this goal. talk to somebody see what you could do you know i guys like you and me will never go talk to nobody colin i called colin today uh you know i was in a bad way today and i called him and uh he's like yeah go to a therapist and i'm like yeah probably we're at an age now it's too much what's that

we're at an age now you're 49 i'm 54 it's it's really no difference this business has worn us out relationships have worn us out life you know what i'm saying and also me i've worn me out My own nonsense. No, no, we're all the same. You know what? I turned on and fucking see him, and a month ago on a Sunday, I'm at home with them, and it's a show about comics and depression. And I'm sitting there going, these motherfuckers don't have a fucking clue.

As not to do with depression. It's what we brew with inside. As comics, we're always brewing something, and I'm fucking heads. I'm an only child. You know, Rifa feeds the fucking parade in my head. You know, I'm writing a book right now. I'm trying to get the first four children. chapters for the proposal.

And after chapter three, I'm like, what the fuck? There's no women in these books. When I was younger, I wanted to get my dick sucked, snort coke, and smoke pot. Relationship wasn't going to happen. You know how I think? Let me tell you how perverted I was.

I look at a woman and go, what the fuck am I going to do for her? I'm a thief. I got no job. I got no high school diploma. I got no family. What am I going to do for this fucking girl? I would talk myself out of him. Yeah.

I wanted to fuck, do a couple lunches, maybe a hand job, maybe a movie. And once you started talking about family and kids, I'd disappear. Because there was nothing I could do for you as a man. Nothing. Plus, did you want to do that, though? Like, meaning to eat your... Absolutely.

No, no, I wanted a family. I had no family. My sister's in Cuba, Jim. My mother's in a hole. My father's in a hole. You know, yeah, I wanted to build my own thing. But what the fuck was I going to do for this pretty girl who didn't even smoke dope? What was I going to do?

Right. What was I going to do? Get a car and do a robbery. Eventually, it would just fuck her up. Right. You know, I feel bad for the chicks that I did blow with and sucked my balls. Like today, there must be sitting there and just going like this with their face. What was I thinking that?

You ever think about that shit? Like, she was a dirty fuck. She's at home 20 years later going, oh, Jesus Christ, I put butter on his nuts. and licked it. What the fuck? You know. Did she really do a girl do that to you? Who me?

Yeah. Oh, I did it to them. You know, I put anything on your pussy. Whip cream, chocolate syrup. I'm a savage. I put syrup up your asshole. Oh, I don't like the sweet stuff. Oh, yeah.

I put a little syrup on an asshole. It's like a dairy queen Sunday. Without the cherry. He just licked that motherfucker. You like that. Oh, a little syrup on them. I like it raw and plain. I like it raw and plain.

A little sweaty. Yeah. I like them to go to yoga, maybe do some jumping jumps and pushups. Bike, bike, Get a city bike ride home. Yeah, that's it. A little bike ride home where they fucking torture that clip. Yeah.

I love all. I look at all. I look how you said a little sweaty. And you're talking about yoga class, a bike ride home. That's delicious. And that little bat opens up and that little whiff comes out of sweat and fucking the jage. Yeah, but you're talking about the asshole. You're not talking about that.

Well, then the assholes. It's got some wang to it. That's it. I like that. You pull a little sniff to it. You know, before you like, what do you sniff before you bite into this? Something particular. your mom makes it, you go

with your nose. That's what you do to the ass, you get a little whiff. Always. And once you whiff it, you commit it. Even if it smells like that, you got to lick it.

The nose, nose, when... Do you go with, like, the tip of the tongue? Or is it like an ice cream cone and you go the whole way? Well, if it's dirty,

it's the tip of the tongue and you take your chances. And if it's fucking delicious, then you lick it like it's, you know... If it's dirty, what you do is the old trick is you get your mouth really wet

and you drip spit into it and then just lick your own spit. That's a trick to take a lot of the stink out. That's one thing you do if an asshole is dirty. And I've gotten my share of dirty ones. Oh my God. I've gotten my share. And sometimes it impresses you when the chick shows up with a dirty

ass and you're like, you're a fucking savage. That's how bad you are. I don't mind if it stinks a little. Like, I like body scent on the right person, which is why it's so hard with this girl. I'm not going to, I don't know if I'm going to date because her body set makes me crazy. It's hard to find that. It's hard to find that. How long you've been with it? No, we've only been dating

exclusively for a little over a month. We've been talking since December, we've gone a vacation together. I just, I don't know, man. I think it's done. I don't know. I hope it isn't. I hope not, too. You're a fun guy. But I'm not always forgiving. Like, I can't let things go.

Do you ever, like, do you ever have an argument, but in your head, you're like, this isn't really as big of a deal to me as I'm making it? Yes, because I like the high of the argument. Sometimes that happens. I'll be like, oh, this isn't, like, I'll notice. I'm just saying these words, and I don't, I don't, apologize, but it's just, I don't know.

I've noticed it, and it's, I noticed it because I didn't notice it before when I was younger and I would get, I would like lose friendships or something. And now I see it, but I don't stop it. Yeah, it's hard to. It's almost like you're watching a movie of yourself. Yeah. Arguing. Like one thing with this girl I haven't done, and I actually got this advice from Bill Burr, of

all people, was like, dude, no name calling. And I always called names. Fucking con, you bit, always. I got to tell you argued. And this one is the first one I didn't Even though we're having a thing now And we had a long talk today That was not pleasant but it wasn't nasty

I didn't curse it her I didn't go yeah but you're fucked up I kept telling like look I'm not mad at you It's just it is what it is you're not fucked Like I didn't I didn't A lot of the stuff I've done before I didn't do this time Which again like that whole thing

You're saying horrendous shit to a person Like how am I saying this to this person This is terrible stuff I'm saying But you're like watching a movie of yourself It doesn't feel real. And then when you're done, you're like, that was terrible. I still wake up in the middle of the night the arguments had of my ex-wife. Thinking of them?

Yeah. How out of bounds I was. And how out of bounds she was, you know, and how you get into your car and you just fucking boil of... You're hot because she said things that obviously hurt you. Yeah. But even you saying those things to her. destroy you. You know, they take a piece out of you, you know. I spoke to my ex-wife about two years ago and I stopped during the conversation. I told her, so listen, what happened outside the

courthouse that day or here or there? I'm really sorry about it because till today I still remember those conversations and the shit I said, but we're young, we're stupid. That's what part of it is, you know? Yeah, you learn and that's, it's something about myself that I, I like with this woman is I've been honest with her. Like, I'm a liar when it comes to relationships. I lie, I cheat.

I'm fucking, I'm despicable. And then I feel victimized if you lie to me or cheat on me. But with this girl, I was straight. And I think she was pretty straight with me too. She's young. She's not perfect. You know, and I have to realize that

people make mistakes too. Like, you got to give people room to fuck up. Not a devastating fuck up, but she fucked up and she talked to someone she wasn't supposed to talk to. And she might have been willing to hang out with them. I don't know. But they didn't. She never, you know, she didn't even met the person. She was talking to my life. So I'm like, how do I want to ruin things over this? I don't know. You know what I mean? Like, do I want to take that fucking, I'm justified, wrecking the real life. I don't know if I

want to ruin it or not. That's a real crossroads. The last couple days has been bad for bed. How many fucking relationships that I ended and everybody got hurt because I couldn't get over something small. Yeah, that's exactly

not getting over, harping on it. I couldn't get over something small. Like, when I lived with the stripper for four years, those were the worst arguments

I had every night. I acted like a fucking child, like a fucking child. Does she ever do something she wasn't supposed to do with a client, though?

All the time. She was a dirty animal. She was a dirty animal. was a dirty animal. And you know, you date people, you hang out with somebody. Somebody says to you, Hi, Jim, how you doing? You start dating him. And you go, how do you make a living?

You're like, well, I, from 12 to 8, I deliver Coke. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You would never hang out with somebody who did that. Sure. But because the pussy's good, and you kind of love her, you're tolerated for a fucking while. Yeah.

And then pretty soon, you know, you're calling her at lunchtime. And I went over to her clients, and he invited me in, We did a few black. What are you talking about? There's always those. After the stripper, I dated a couple girls. It wasn't going to fucking work. And I met my wife.

And I liked her. And I said, you know what? This one would play completely different. I'm not doing the same things I did with the other three. Because you have, here's the other thing, too. You dated people when you were just a civilian. Dating people as a comic is a complete different fucking animal. unless they know the life.

Unless they know their life. The first 96 months, it's a great time. Oh, my God. Jim is so cute. He's so funny. Oh, my God. How do you live with? We went to dinner.

Then one day when he disappears for two weeks, you're knocked up with the fucking kid. They don't like you that much no more. When you're calling up going, me and Joey went to Spark Steakhouse. Nice. And she's in Idaho in a fucking three-bedroom house with everything, but she's like, I'm stuck here with a kid.

It don't last. The laughs don't fucking last. They get jealous. They get angry, resentful of the life you have. The fact, you're out and she's not out. That's why I keep it light. I go out three days a shot.

I come right home, Jim Norton. You do, right? Yeah, I come right home. I really worked hard on this relationship. So she's not alone for long? Yeah, I really, really, really. In the beginning, I was an animal. The first five years of this relationship,

I was a fucking animal. I was on the road constantly. Sure. Holidays. I come back. Christmas Day, her birthday never celebrated the first five years. Always.

December 29th. You're doing New Year's weekend. Is that what her birthday is? Yeah. You're doing a fucking New Year's gig, gee? Yeah, of course. And number two, when you're broke, I've got to come up with a Christmas present,

a fucking birthday present? I got to disappear for three days. I got to get that New Year's Day check and then come back and go, oh my God, I had your present in the bag. Yeah, I was away. I was away, the whole fucking deal. I worked with her really weird.

the first five years. And then when I was shooting the longest yard was when I realized I'm going for this. No more fucking around with her. This is a waste of her time and a waste of my time.

And I went for it. And I worked on it. You know, I really worked on it. And that's why I didn't want to go out a fucking one-time loser. That killed me. The hardest part is like you said when you're wronged.

It's hard to forgive another person. Like, because again, I like to feel wounded. I like to feel shitty. So when they do something that wrongs me, that's what I wanted, because now I feel I can keep using it to make myself feel bad. You know what I mean? So I like, so I harp on it and I keep it because not because I can't forgive somebody, but because it's such a valuable weapon I can use on myself. And I can feel so shitty whenever I want by bringing that up.

And I can sabotage our good time whenever I want. Just with that little fucking thing. A little fucking thing. You can beat you dinner across from her a month. later. Think about that and steam yourself up. And then start asking creepy questions. So let me answer you this. That time you went on line, you said you

didn't know who it was. I thought about it. I went on just, we get fucking creepy. Yeah. I used to do that shit. I had to cut that off. So you, I know you were texting with him. What do you mean you were working and meet up with it? Like, yeah. Like, I don't know why, but if they grill me like that, I'm like, you know, I'm angry and I'm so.

And then sometimes you're right. That's the worst. There are times when you're right. Like, yeah, she was being a shady twat and I caught her. That's the worst. That was the worst curse I've ever had is that I've been right a few times. And then when you're right a few times, you never let it go.

You never, you can like, because it felt the same. Or if she's lying to you about something and you know it, now you know what her lying face looks like. Like, oh my God, you're sincere cunt. You looked exactly like you did when you said I love you two days ago. The same

genuine look on your face. And meanwhile, I know you were fucking instant messaging with this other guy while I was talking to you. Baby, I love you so much. With someone else. So basically what I'm saying is, you have the same ability to lie I do, because I'm a liar.

So it's like, it's hard when I know that she is the same ability to lie that I have. I like to be the only one who can do that. And by the way, whenever a woman tells you, I'm a terrible liar, shut up, no you're not. No, you're not. No woman who says I'm a terrible liar is a terrible liar. They're great liars.

We can't live with them Yeah And we can't fucking live with them I don't know how to not I don't know how to not Hang on to stuff I don't know how to do it Do you ever what about like something

That she didn't even wrong you would If you were like Like that weren't like And not a Seinfeld joke But like in Seinfeld like I don't like the way She sleeps or I don't like the way she drives

Or like something weird That has no impact on your life You know I haven't had that with this girl For me it'll be normally something physically like I'll look at her from the side one day and I'll be like oh no she has a fucking Rocky Dennis smile or she has a fucking mall that I hate

or whatever it is and I won't be able to unsee it so it's usually a physical thing for me not not like something she does can be something she does but you gotta be with someone a little while that usually takes a little while to sink in I hate when my wife sneezes why because she sneezes like a fucking animal out of nowhere and it scares the shit up to me

and the cats. And every time she sneezes, I want to fucking stab her. She has a rash of allergies, and they just hit her out of nowhere. So it could be one in the afternoon, it could be two in the morning, she could be taking a shower, and all of a sudden she'll just go, ah,

chew, like a fucking, like a giant. Yeah. Like a fucking giant. And I get, oh, my God, it's like, who taught you how to fucking sneeze? You wanted to sneeze like a lady? Yeah, dog. I do shit that tears my wife up. I tell you what I hate. I hate when people put jelly on their toast for breakfast

It pisses me to fly up What's the newest one? It just bothers the fuck out of me, you're right? Jelly? Being an American and use buddy You want to use jelly, doing on your... How about both? I was a cream cheese and jelly guy.

I'm a fucking East Coast guy. Always was. One day I just didn't see the value and eating fucking jelly for breakfast. I gained 80 fucking two pounds. Well, yeah, all right, physically, yeah, but it is taste. It's delightful.

What do you eat for breakfast? Egg whites. With jelly? No, plain. I'm I and mustard egg whites had mustard I'm such a piece of shit this one I was in the airport and I think they used

like pam or something in the pan because the egg whites smelled like dog shit so I couldn't eat them and I had to wait until I got to L.A. And I had a delightful breakfast of eggs and no no bread just some chicken to dip in it I like to dip shit

I'm a dipper like to have chicken to put my egg yolks Did you fly in today? I did I flew in this morning What airline? American. Did they give you breakfast? No.

Air Alaska, I flew from Newark to Seattle to start the tour. And Air Alaska is a weird airline. It was okay, but not great. They bought Virgin, so. Did they really? Yeah. Virgin America? Yeah.

Has been bought by Air Alaska? Wow. I think last year. Is Alaska Air Alaska? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that, I didn't know there were two Sandalines. But that is not. Okay.

Let me check. It's Air Alaska. I believe, where is it Alaska Air? You know what? You might be right. Joy might be right. I'm saying it with authority. That's like,

I'm a phony. I said it with authority. It's air Alaska. I don't know. I don't know. Alaska Airlines. There you go. You're right, Joe.

Now, they're owned by American guys. Because when you take them, you get American points. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, when you take them, it's American fucking airlines. You didn't know the water? Nobody.

No, it's American Airlines, and you take them. So it really doesn't matter. I didn't know they bought fucking Virgin. I didn't. They bought it. No, I'm sorry, they brought in March. So now American owns Virgin.

Let's see. Yeah, they're killing off the Virgin brand. Why? And they kill you off Virgin America? Yeah, apparently, let me see. Why? It was a great airline. That's what I thought.

There must be a reason. That flight that you, where'd you go? Newark or LaGuardia. I took Newark to Alaska and Air to Seattle, and then I took, we drove to Portland, and then from Portland, I took American. And I go to Dallas and Austin this week. I don't know what airlines I'm taking, then home.

My favorite cross-country flight is mint. Yeah, mint is good. Here's a problem with mint, though. Those seats are blown up, so a couple of times they've deflated, and then it's like that hard. It's like hitting metal under the seat. I made a video of that once, and they have to come over and blow it up with something. They have to squeeze something, so it blows back up.

Perfect. That mint seat. How good is that middle one when you get the one alone? That's the only one I get. I can't always get that. I don't know how to this next flight, November I'm doing them. I got them boat. It's nice, right?

2, row 2, like a doctor, you're deep in the cockpit. Yeah. If the plane crashes, you go first. Yeah. You like one of those Pablo Escobar flights, you just go first. That's a great plane. The mint ones are nice. I really like, I really enjoy it. They're not better first class, but that one's, it's comfortable. It's comfortable. I like laying back. I like the movies. I put my sleep apnea machine out.

Wait, wait, you could use your machine. My nose is so bad. I see your nose is bad, too. I can't sleep. No, no, no, I did the surgery. You talked me into it. Everything that you, I did, I asked you. Oh, good. We were both hooked on the fucking next. Affron, yeah. And I finally couldn't take it no more.

I mean, I was living in anxiety. If I went on a plane and I put my seatbelt on and I went in my pocket and I didn't have Afrin. That was the flight from fucking hell. Yeah. The whole flight I'm blowing. I just, I just went swimming yesterday with the baby, so I get that shit in my nose. but I went and had the surgery done I'm off the fucking spray

I shoot a steroid every morning I got a shower with plugs in my ears Doesn't that dry you out of the stowa? I hate those steroids They make the inside of my nose feel like this plastic coating in it I don't fucking know I'm lucky just to breathe out of my fucking nose that blow and I'm fucking getting beat up

destroyed my fucking nose So the mask works for you The mask I couldn't live without the mask How do you fall asleep with it? I'm so claustrophobic And plus it's forcing air in. I'm like, I'm gasp. Maybe because I'm a shallow breather.

But like, I doze off and like, like, so how do you sleep now? What do you have to do? I have a mouth guard. Rogan taught me in a mouth card. But I'm on my side all the time, and I'm just constantly waking up. I'm always tired.

Did you go to his doctor for the mouth card? No, but one who had a similar mouth card. I have a good mouth card. It pushes you go off hard, but the tongue falls back. But I have two kinds of apnea. What's how long does, how long do you sleep before you wake up? Don't know. But I'll remember always being in a state of like perpetual half-awakness when I was sleeping.

I haven't slept much in the last couple of days because of trouble with this girl. I can't sleep when I have conflict with a woman like that. I can't. Some guys seem to go to sleep. I admire those guys. I'm fucking. Like I just, I obsess about it. I was panicking last night.

I panicked yesterday afternoon. I couldn't nap. So I had to resolve it somehow. It's great when you fall asleep and you're breaking up with somebody and you're fucking. and hurting. Ugh. And you fall asleep and you wake up the next morning and you forget for 10 minutes. Right.

You always forget for like the first 10 minutes a day. You're like, fuck. It comes back. Oh, with me, it's like 10 seconds. I'll wake up happy, but then it's over. It goes away? Well, like, not always, but if I'm upset about something, yeah. Do you have you married now?

No. Well, I've been with the same girl for like four years. So it's, we didn't want to living together, so it's close. But we have a really good relationship, but there's, I see myself. ever since we've moved in together, doing some of those things you've been talking about. Are you going to marry you? I think so.

It's, it's, I see these people rushing into marriage, and it freaks me out. I'm, I love a bremen, no rush to get married. Yeah, how old are you? 29. Oh, you're young, okay. I should have been married a long time ago.

I got married when I was 20-something, 25, maybe before I got locked up. I had no idea what I was doing Jim, but how about the second time? We're solid. How old were you when you married her? I think maybe I was Oh 37 because you're 54 No

I was when I married Merce Terry I was probably clean from Coke For a year So 45 Oh okay And now I'm 30 Yeah

You've been married nine years Yeah but together with her for 17 Oh okay okay It took me nine years to fucking marry the animal You know It took me nine years But I wanted to be sure also Then after nine years

She was walking around like wounded Because you're still not married Our parents are alive. And I said, let me marry it. I kept it light. We got married at the fucking chapel on Wilshire. We had the party at the Hollywood Bowl. It was fun.

We made our own cake. We ordered fucking pastrami from Kansas, some Cuban pork chops, and we got rented some fried chicken. That was it, man. We got married on a Wednesday night, very unconventional. No suit, no gifts. Just show up and eat something.

You're fucking... Shut up and fucking... Shut up and fucking... Yeah, so there's no drama. You know, I make people fucking, you know, I got married the night before Thanksgiving, so on the way home, you could stop over there. Yeah.

But that's hell over there. Getting people to Highland, but there was no concert that night or nothing. Tonight was terrible. See, you went up to that day. Yeah, Monday night, you're going to get killed. Really? Yeah, Monday night, stay away from Ireland.

If you've got to get out of 101 or the 170, we go up going to. Yeah, Google Maps is a huck of shit. It puts you with other fucking traffic. That's what they live for. It's the fucking one. Waze is better. Waze is better. Waze teaches you how to drive like a Puerto Rico. Google Maps fucking sucks. Waves tells you to cut that white car off. They

cut that white car off. They don't give a fuck. You know, Hollywood is bad, especially coming in that direction at that time. It wasn't moving. It wasn't moving. No. There's that bank coming off like up Franklin or whatever and it was like 15 minutes. No, no, no, no. So what you do is you go to Hotel 101? What's that joint that's got the breakfast in there? Yeah, it's on the roof It's...

Gower, right? No, it's not the Gower exit. It's one of those. That one's always empty, Jim Nund. It's in Los Feliz. You think it's got the Hiv. That route is always... It's in Los Feliz.

That's why, if you see that traffic, whoop, and you stay on that fucking road, and then you'll see it. You're going on the past. The 101 Cafe. 101 Cafe. Once you see the 101 Cafe, betty you left,

and it's like one of those fucking Polish U-turns, because there's actually a left, but then no, there's actually a left. actually a left and then there's a tight left where you have to shoot and go around and that's the 101 okay bang it up there's never nobody there you know lois felice i lived there when i was shooting lucky louis um that was the best place that i got an apartment on western i think it was called and western it was really fun i liked it a little far from where i wanted to be but i liked

the neighborhood it was like a weird hippie vibe to it like a weird like alternative counterculture mentality at least i liked it a lot man you ever been they got a restaurant they called called chicken. Fred was one of you see that. Is that it? Isn't it birds? Birds? Right next to you see me?

I don't know that one. Birds, yeah. They got tremendous chicken soup, Jim, not. Really? Yeah, you can't go in there. The fucking place is always packed. You got to go in there and take it to go at lunch time.

Oh, okay. It's one of those places where it's always fucking packed and there's always a line. So I would have to make my reels over there, so I would go out at 10. I'd make my appointment for 10.45. I'd be up there talking shit till 10 a half to 11. I'd shoot right down and get.

fucking chicken soup. That's what you wanted? Was it chicken soup? Oh, it's delicious. It's spicy. And they take the chicken breast and break it with their fingers like my mom used to do.

She used to do that with fish soup. They relent. You take fish and you break out of soap and peck out. And every once in a way you got a little thorn in your fucking in your throat. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I had one in my throat

and all long ago was from a piece of fish and it's an awful feeling. Like, I don't know if I'm going to choke to death, but it's an awful. I had to take something and scrape the back in my throat that it came out and it was a big bit that long. Like a real, thin white little fishbone.

It's a disgusting feeling of something in your throat. My brother, what's your next big anticipated UFC fight? You know, I want to see Dillershaw against Cody a lot. That's a great card. That's an amazing card. I want to see Yohan against Rose. It's a great fight. I've been waiting for that fight.

You know, Demetrius against Ray Bourd. I'm sure it'll be a good fight. I don't look for that one as much I'm going to go to the garden I don't know I'm in L.A. the night before working I'm doing the Roxy so I don't know

I think is Massvedale fighting Yeah Stephen Thompson Yeah that's a fight I would love to see Mike Perry I like watching a lot He's a fun welter way to watch You know he's kind of a he's kind of an animal I'd like to see him fight Ponzi and I'm being I've been screaming for that for fucking six months

And what's the main event of of New York. Oh, GSP against Miss Spang. Yeah, that'd be great. Looking forward to that one. That's going to be interesting. It's a great card. I'm an Omaha Nebraska's usual.

Isn't it weird? Like, you want to go to one of them and you're like, ah, fuck. But I'm in New York that Wednesday. That's following Wednesday, the 8th. So you're just going to miss it. I'm just going to fucking miss it. That's my luck.

I might fly back that morning. I can get back from L.A. Maybe and see the fights, but I'll be tired and I might, you know. How was the last garden event? You be. Amazing. It was amazing.

I mean, we had good seats, you know, and I wanted Eddie Alvarez to win, and, you know, his wife was screaming. I remember his wife,

you can hear his wife on the tape, Eddie! She's like, I guess that's what she does at the fight. She just screams for him. She's a Philly girl. And that was a hard one of the watch.

I like Eddie so much and watching him lose to Connor. Like, as soon as he looked like your deer in headlights that night. It was like he wasn't even in there. Like somebody put something in his milk.

Yeah. I swear to God It was like he got hit And he got up And he got right back To the way he got hit Let me come right back to you I think he was just overwhelmed

He was shell shocked The iron It was the garden He was the main event And they were rooting against him In almost his hometown You know 90 minutes from home Thompson fucking Woodley

Was great On that card That was a great disappointing ending to a fight But it really That was a fun night The whole thing was just Who else fought you

All you and Jaceik fought on that one Oh yeah Josie Aldo Frankie Edgar That was a great fucking card That was great card You know I used to go to all of them now You get busy Can't you work in?

You're like, what the fuck am I gonna do? Do I go to? I want to go see Jones It's right here And that's the weekend I'm in fucking the Borgata It's right here in my backyard Jones Cormier

And I'm in the fucking Borgata It's always something Always something And you can't plan for it And I'm almost like Hey look Is fucking Daniel Cormier Taking off to come watch my shows

You know you do it when you can see them When I'm off I go But I, you know, even I work for the UFC because I'm doing the podcast. I mean, I still would go only if I'm off. I'll watch them. I usually watch the fights the night I get home or the next day I watch them on Fight Pass.

Un-fucking believable. I got to tell you, man, it was a real pleasure having you on tonight. I don't even though. I know you got a boogie, right? You got a boogie by nine? Yeah. No, it was a real pleasure having you on.

I wanted to, uh... It's great that the conversation went where it went. Yeah. I'll see you put some heavy shit on the tape. Well, I apologize. I'm being a little boring. I'm tired and I haven't slept while in a couple of days.

No, no, no. I admire your fucking resilience. I can't believe you're here. You flew. You're here. And then you're going to do another fucking podcast at 10. I admire. We're pre-taping for tomorrow morning.

We've got a three-hour show. I would die. Once I fly, it's game over. I take pills when I fly. I got to take drama. I get sick. Yeah, so I take motion sick pills. My daughter has to do that also.

She gets sick. I got to fucking put bands on her. Did they work though? Was that just psychological? Who the fuck knows? What I just do is starve on the way down and starve on the way back. If you've got nothing in your stomach, you can't fucking puke.

So we leave at six. She doesn't eat real quick. She doesn't get up and want to eat. She's one of those kids and she'll milk it for 45 minutes. By that time, we're already in the fucking danger zone. We're back already. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I do it that way.

And now we're timing it. We were eating and then going down to fucking San Diego. She puked by the time we got to the car. Thomas Casino. We were like in shock. She was going to fucking puke. How old is she? Now she's four and a half.

I had that same shit growing up. I got cars sick with families and it's like your family would say, you want to go swimming with us? I'm fucking Nyack. Next thing you know, they've got to pull over the station wagon. I barped in the back fucking seat.

Oh, humiliated. So I couldn't really do much at a young age because I was always embarrassed. I was going to get fucking car sick. how helpless is it when you're in the back seat and you feel it coming and you have to go could you pull over

because you roll the window down the air on the face feels a little bit and try to just stare straight ahead and you feel it coming and you're like you got to pull over I'm going to vomit you don't even say it one time and they're like they start questioning you

that's the fucked up thing you'll be all right you'll be all right can you pull over why what do I have to pull over for because I feel sick are you going to puke No, I'm telling you to pull over because I want to see the fucking trees.

Pull the fuck over. And by the time they pull over, do you remember the old station wagons? You had open them from the back. The window went down. And the old station wagons had a bucket seat in front, a bucket seat in the back. And then in the back, they had a little hats on if you picked up the carpet,

you can make it get another two seat for kids and strap them down back back there. That was the best seat of the whole fucking world. But that seat got me puking like a motherfucker because I was going against the wind. Oh, facing backwards, forget it. Forget it. That's the fucking, there was a time when Southwest had them. I was just, I don't like Southwest for that same reason because you face backwards on some flights. I won't do it.

They had, no, they got rid of those. Oh, really? Yeah, the ones in the middle. There was a time where there was, you had to sit with people across you, three and three. And one day I got on one of those flights after an eight ball night, you know what I'm saying? In Chicago, I'm coming down off that battery as it. Before I get on the plan, I open my wallet. and I see these fucking things

that you put on the tugnet that Rogan was big on those T-8C straps he had boxes of he bought half the company so he gave me a batch and in those days you couldn't if you put them in your wallet

they were like a condom you put a wall in your wallet no after wall is an imprint of a fucking condom in your wallet what the fuck we talk about the T-HC thing I put on it

under my tongue. Jim Norton, I sit in one of those little bucket seats across these three women that are coming to L.A. to see like Disneyland, like they really fucking think they come to see

the seventh creation of the world. Very sweet women. Awesome, that T.H.C. kicks in. It was like three strips. I had never got that. That cocaine was still lurking on me. I started sweating profusely.

I had to puke. But before I puke, I went into the sweats where every hole in your body shoots out a piece of sweat. But sadly, I'm 390 at the time. I'm about 375. It's about the year I did the longest yard, not really.

And I had to take off my shirt. And I was in the middle of two other guys, and they're just like, look at it. With no shirt? No shirt on. Sweat is coming down my chest. And you can see the beads of sweat on my nipples before they dropped out my jeans. My stomach was sweating. God knows what odors were coming on.

Did you puke? At the end, yeah, I puked. Facing backwards. I ran, no, here's how I puked. With my shirt off, I walked through the cabin. Open the bathroom and just heave like a fucking savage. Is there anything worse when you're in a limo and you're going backwards? And you ever sit in that front seat in a limo and you'd have to sit there kind of turned over

and facing the driver. You can't even talk to the other people in the back of the car because you're going to vomit. You have to look forward. It really is torture. I take every precaution now. Like I look at things and go, God damn it. I'll take a chance. Trains, when you get on a train, you know,

I always have to ask the conductor, which way is it leaving? Because if I get on, if it's going to the right and I face that way, I'm going backwards, I'm going to get sick. So actually, like, a fucking eight-year-old have to ask the conductor, which way is the train going? He's like that way, so I have to face forward. Unfucking-beliable. We did a podcast about feelings and phobias.

That's right, and vomiting. And vomiting. Vomiting and being queasy and a little sats. Sabbath to start. Well, my brother, thank you very much. Thank you. You want to promote, talk to me. Just the kneeling room only is my tour.

Jim Norton.com. What cities are you going to? I'm everywhere in New York. I get here in L.A., Indianapolis. Oh, Dallas and Houston, all the money is going to the hurricane victim. So if you're down there. Everywhere, Chicago, Philadelphia, Long Island, New Jersey. And the Chip Chipperson, the live podcast is now up.

People who like Stupid Chip. And Jim and Sam. every morning. I love you at all my heart, man. Thank you. I love you too. Thank you for taking the time, brother. Anytime, Joey.

Good luck. Thank you. Yo, I want to thank Jim Norton for coming on the show. Number two, I want to do some shoutouts. Tom Owens, Meg, Cleo, NRP sports cards, Chris Petrat, Andrew Nandau, my main man up in Nyak, holding it down, 9-1 smoke, McKenzie Titties,

and Rob Verastro, my main man there. Anyway, listen, you cock suckers, don't forget. I'm coming to Pittsburgh, Thursday, the improv, Homestead. Don't fuck around. You better bring me a sandwich. Number two, on it. Onit.com, guys. Listen, I don't do them.

I don't make a move without him. I went to Jitsu today. I popped in one of those fucking shroom tech sports. I went in there. I was still huffing and puffing, but let me tell you something. I lasted, cock suckers. And even though I fucking had a tap and shit, I lasted and that's all that matters.

You know why? Because Shroom Tech works. And Alpha Brain works. And the hemp horse protein works. But the only thing is, it's up to you. Go to honor.com right now. Look at the great selection of supplements they have. I can't help you out with the metal

and the steel bats and stuff. But I'll get you a nice 10% discount. An AlphaBrain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech, moon, new mood, whatever you need Uncle Joey got. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church? Bam! And get 10%

off your first order delivered right till the fucking Casa day. You know what I'm saying? Number two, let me ask you something. Are you hiring? Do you know what to post your job to find the best candidate? Tell me the truth. You know how hard it is to get great talent? Do you have any idea

how hard it is? I thank God bless me. I got Lee. I bumped into Lee. But Not everybody's that lucky. But I'm going to tell you something. You know who's here to the rescue? ZipRecruiter. With ZipRecruiter, you can post your job

to 100 plus job sites with one click. Then their powerful technology efficiently matches the right people to your job. Better than anybody else. Do you understand what I'm talking about here? That's why ZipRecruiter is different. Unlike all the other job sites, ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on

candidates finding you. In fact, it finds them. 80% of employers who post a job on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within one day. One day, all right, listen, no juggling emails or calls to your office, simply screen, rate, and manager candidates all in one place with ZipRecruiter's easy-to-use dashboard. I'm telling you what I'm going to do. Today, go to ZipRecruiter. They've been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most efficient, qualified job candidates with immediate results.

You understand me? No more come on down. The guy shows up with 22 tattoos and a picture of Hitler on his shirt. Who needs that aggravation? I'm telling you what I can do for you. Right now, today, my church family can post jobs

on ZipRecruiter for free. Gratiss, that's right. Free. Just go to ZipRecruiter slash church. CHURC-C-H. Again, that ZipRecruiter slash church. One more time, for free, go to ZipRecruiter slash church. They're going to find an employee.

Listen, they're going to hook you up, all right. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash church. ZipRecruiter.com slash church. How to correct myself there. Who do you think you're dealing with? Again, on it, I want to thank my man Jim Norton. I want to thank my main man, the Christ Killer, Rosh Hashanah, Joe, himself, Lee Syatt, and I want to thank you people for tuning in.

I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday. All right, stay black. I hope you enjoyed this podcast tonight. Thank you very much. This song is from Narcos, the episode, Season 2. You open up the episode and you see his hand. Go ahead, Lee, blast this song. I already play it out.

I'll give me one second, sir. This is episode two, season two, Narcos. Episode 9, 8 maybe episode opens up with him. Excuse me at Judy's place in the refrigerator. Opening, like eating an apple. Eating a piece of cheese, eating a fucking this, eating that. Then you walk around. It looks at the mural of Judy.

And that's when you hear this fucking song come in. So enjoy it. You know, I love you. Motherfucker. Stay Black. Have a great day. It's a beautiful day to be alive. You can't vacillar If don't want to get

So gata He'll go to He'll go back He'll get to Goet and know the reason The question