The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #520 - Felipe Esparza

Episode Date: September 27, 2017

Felipe Esparza, comedian, co-host of the "What's Up Fool?" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.   Check out Felipe's new HBO special, "Translate This" on September 30th at 10pm. �� This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 09/25/2017.


I thought I'm out to pull the cord. This podcast is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet for all your supplement needs. Whether it's Shroom Tech, Shroom Tech, Sport, Shroom Tech, Immune, Hempforce, Protein, Alpha Brain. Listen, when it comes to supplements, honor is number one. Go to Onet.com right now and press in. Church. Bam, and get 10% off delivered right to your fucking front door, right?

No questions, ass. Kick that fucking mulee. Oh shit This is what North Korea is listening to right now Oh shit It's the church of what's happening now Motherfuckers Uncle Joey the Christ killer

My main motherfucker Felipe Sparza What's up fool AK.A. The American Dream Hide those spoons Here we go Oh shit

Do it all for the pussy Do it off for the pussy Un Superpowers Rapp to $125,000 hours Uh Getting calculated due to math I made a thousand songs

That made you move in What And for the last 300 months I made 16 albums With me on the front And they bump Where you get your beats I heard 93 rappers

Say for blackers and 10 comedians And I'm still Don't yell at every time you see me in Beatt What's my favorite Marr? Why they got to say it like short You know they can't play on my court

Can't hang with the big dogs Stay on the porch Lo to whistle. You kidding me or what? A little too short for you. My motherfucker is on a Wednesday. Open, baby. Oh.

IMP. Fun be that's Texas Bay. Too fucking much. Thank God Martin Luther King marched. You know what I'm saying? Thank God he marched. You GK. If he didn't march too short, nobody would have known to this motherfucker.

There's some Dracula rule. What's up there, Felipe Spars? Dracula, bro. You know, you can do it on the fucking stage. The count. Lisa, I was cracking. I'm just, I'm disappointed for Oakland. They finally get an amazing team and they got like a,

less than a two-year, like, clock on it. You know, they're going to Vegas. Like, the Raiders are kicking ass right now. I know, man. Yesterday? No. They lost, but, yeah, they're going to be there for two years while they build a stadium in Las Vegas. That's like breaking up with your wife or your girlfriend,

but she gets to live in your house still. Yeah, but, and, but, but, and, but, but, And the weird thing is that, like, I would expect that no one would go. They'd be like, fuck the Raiders. They're leaving. We're loyal, bro. It was packed. Like, it was two weeks ago now when Marshawn Lynch was Dan.

Like, they have a DJ in Oakland Stadium in the stadium. That's Gabriel's cousin, Chino. No, it's not. I swear to God. Yeah, man, Gary Glesseth's cousin is Chino, the DJ from the Raiders. And he's a dog DJ in the morning. He's a big fan of everybody. But they made each other at Tucson, Arizona.

He goes, hey, man, we love. Is your father such and such? Yeah, my father's such and such. And then they clashed. They made each other as cousins. Small world, man. Both of their fathers are players. But yeah, I was just impressed with like the Oakland fans.

Because like all the way here right now in L.A. is that the Chargers are empty. The Rams are half empty. Really? The stadiums are empty? Apparently. Apparently the Chargers are pretty like almost, it's like a home team. That's what I heard for like the away team.

It's almost like a home game. Yeah, man. I don't think of charge you're going to sell a game to New Year's Eve when they play the Raiders there. That's going to be a Raider Nation game. I worry about my tickets. New Year's Eve? New Year's Eve, man. Oh, my God.

Oakland Raiders visit Los Angeles for the first time since they left in 1990-something. So wait a second. So the game is on a Sunday. On a Sunday, on New Year's Eve. Jesus Christ. 11 in the morning? 11 in the morning. One of the morning.

One at the morning. One o'clock game. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 10, no, 10. 10 o'clock game. They got to get that shit over with her.

It's going to be an amazing game, man. Yeah, that's a good game. Just going on New Year's Eve. You know how crazy it gets, Joey? Remember that show we did up north? And that was the day that Tom Brady did the snuff rule, I guess? Oh, no, the tuck rule. The tuck rule, yeah.

That's like a New Englander's great as day. And Joe Diaz and that we were Rodrigo doing a fucking crazy show in Modesto. and everybody was pissed off, man. Every black guy was pissed off. We were being driven in the buzz by black guys. And after the day you took that, that powder, but it was actually meth. Yeah, yeah, it was math.

I was, like, in middle school, watching a Patriots playoff game in the snow and you were doing meth. Oh, my God. Do you understand? That show was crazy, bro. Everybody wanted to go backstage and party. That whole area.

Once you go to Modesto, all those little towns there. They're like family, man. There's nothing to do but do comedy and then get fucked up. Get fucked up, man. Fucked up. Like, they have no shame. You know, they'll tell you right, listen, man.

Don't go out looking for it. We got it right here, whatever you need. Everything. You want hookers? We got it. You want a dog. My brother wants a pet store. And you go for a drive and there's nothing really in those towns.

Nothing by sale. There's one fucking club and you do not want to go in there because you'll get stabbed to death. So you go to a hotel. They give you whatever fucking drugs you want. And it's just that simple. I mean, it's a fucking shame. Like, El Paso.

You know how many grams of Coke I started in El Paso? Like, I can't fucking believe I'm alive from all that. Because I used to walk to that bar. There was a bar you went to on Wednesdays. Yes, the little Irish bar, something. There was a little bar where the whole weight staff went. Yes. The whole place was, if there was 250 people in there, the whole place was high on cocaine.

The whole place. fucking place, Lee. You've never seen anything like that that you walk into the fucking room of death. Were there bars just built for people to do cocaine in? Bro, wherever there's a bar with darts, there's cocaine.

I don't know. Cocaine and darts go together. It drives me crazy when I'm snorting coke and somebody's throwing darts. I know, man. I always think one of those darts is going to backfire.

I get pissed. I had my brother. The guy I'm going to see his daughter that has the cancer on Wednesday. He's a dart guy. So I get a gram of Coke with him And next thing you know I'm fucking shooting darts I don't play fucking darts

I don't know That should be a shirt bad But man we go together like darts and coke And the back room is always You gotta walk past the darts Yes So every time you pee you get anxiety Because you gotta stop the game

And walk past the darts God forbid you don't have your hunting Camouflage fucking suit on And one of those coke heads throws a fucking dart at you You know it was a fucking nightmare It was a fucking nightmare Darts

Or that stupid rifle game duck hunts, whatever it is. Then they have the best is the dart league. Oh my God. Like you get together on Tuesday and throw darts. Basically, it's an excuse to get fucking lit.

Lit on a Tuesday. That's all dart league is. By the time you get there, you can see the target. By the time you leave, there ain't no fucking target, okay? It's humorous. I'm not putting darts down or anything like that. No, my darts is cool, man.

I'm just saying. Darts and drugs. That's a great point you made, Philippe, because I grew up in two bars that they snorted Coke and by the way, they would break the fucking darts out. And my anxiety level would go up to a fucking thousand. It seems dangerous.

It is fucking dangerous. If you're coked out, man, and doing darts, it's perfect, man, because your nose already are you're pointing down so your eyeballs are looking straight ahead. You're ready, man. You could do a bump and do a dart. It is fucking crazyly, fucking darts. I think I picked them up by three times.

Let's do in Pittsburgh, man. Some guys, you've got to talk to, to get coke. You got to talk to them by your shoot darts. Unless you're in Pittsburgh, bro. It's fucking candlestick bowling and coke. Oh, I miss Campbell Bowling and fucking getting fucked

There was another thing too, man I used to go to Houston I used to go to a place on Saturday nights at midnight That you went and bowed and we get cooked up And he popped mushrooms and shit Man And they played heavy metal music

And I miss all that shit That I do too, man I do not mean I'm coming up on 10 years Next month, really back You're past 10 years Yeah I stopped doing Cocaine in 2000

2009. Yeah. Because I went in a five-day binge. Really? So you went even two years after me? Yeah, two years after me. After you. I was still going a little crazy in 2008, 2009, man.

Wow. When did you meet Lisa? I met Lisa in 2006. But when I met her, I was already off. You know, that one time I picked you up all crazy, you know, and I gave you like $200 to hang up with me for an hour. And you told I even here, man, his 50, take him out of here. I'll not forget the one night you came to my house, and it was the weirdest thing, Lee. We didn't even know what we're doing, huh?

No, Felipe calls me. I go, yeah, what's up, Doug? I'm down outside. Okay. We get in the fucking car. This is, I'm heavy-duty junkie guys, and here's your witness, okay? He goes, where do you want to go? I go, let's take a ride.

I think we smoked a joint. We went behind El Compadre. I walked in. I took a gram off the guy. I got in the car. Now, you had money. you wanted to give me to buy coke, but you knew I wouldn't get your Coke.

You had $60. Right. And I got in the car in front of Felipe, and you put a whole straw, and then you did it all. And I did the whole gram. Fucking, I looked at him like a guy. He could not believe it, guys.

Oh, my God. I'm the drive. On the drive from El Campadre to Highland and Fountain, I would always, it was instinct. That was where I would do. At that light, I would snort whatever was in the bag, half of it. And then when I pull up to my house, whether the front or the back, I would snort the other half of what was in that bag. So when I got on the elevator, I went right upstairs and took a shit.

There was no questions asked. When I walked in the house, it was to go right to the bathroom and unload the first cocaine shit of the night. And no cop ever saw you do a half of the... I'm a professional Lee. No cop is going to fucking see. See, I could never do that. I could never be like you, you know, because you're, you've been doing it for a long time. At that time, at that time, I was ready to quit.

Oh, yeah? It was just a matter. I was just either waiting a lot of time or to fucking, I didn't know what to do. And that's what I was doing. I was buying, and guys, at the end, I was buying a gram of Coke that would kill a mule from Malcolm Podger. Yes. And I would do two fucking lines and the whole gram was gone. And I would stay high for an hour and 15 minutes.

And then I would sit in my living room for an hour thinking of my next move. and then I would figure out the move and go out and get another gram at 1 a.m. Who does that? Who does that? You do. You were like the first person I ever see, do a whole bag, like the 20 bag, and then go eat a burrito. Like, I was, like, I couldn't eat after I do cold because I want to stay high. You know, I wanted to last.

At that point, Felipe, my, and this is a scary thing to tell you guys, because you're not going to believe it. My tolerance for marijuana was the same kind of tolerance I had for cocaine at the end. So you need more, I could do, I could open up a party with a gram. That's how I opened up the night with my own gram. How much would Felipe open up with? A half a gram. Not even. Felipe was a gentleman.

Felipe would do two or three lines or two or three bumps and he was fine. I was a guerrilla league. Nothing has changed from the THC. I just transferred addictions, but at least I know. this going in I've always had a high tolerance if at 16 17 I was already doing a half gram a night well 16 17 I would buy a half gram go to my friend's house they were 16 to 17 we do two bumps and who you can finish the rest of that coke at night me I go home put in fucking black Sabbath on an a track with the speakers on and I

just sit there all night listen to fucking music like an ass song and cry think about my mother and cry and shit like that So I started at 17 with a half a gram already. By the time I went to prison in 86, a year before I got locked up, before I kidnapped that poor kid, you should have seen what I was doing. You should have seen what I was doing. I was probably doing seven Gs a day. Damn.

One in the morning to wait. This is when I was doing it. I couldn't function on it, but I could still do it in the morning, eat breakfast, and live my life. That phase was like for six months where I would get up and do a half gram of Coke, eat breakfast, give my ex-wife a stabbing, eat a pussy, the whole fucking thing, I ate in the morning. And then by the time I got in the car, I was fine. Me, I'm more like a degenerate, man, a binger. I would, like, party, like, start smoking crack, you know, when I started smoking crack, you know, like in 2004, 2005. And I would smoke crack.

Like, I started on Wednesday after the wild coyotes because I had cash. and I would continue to do it until I got tired, like, to Sunday. I was still up for five days. Like, I didn't want to stop, bro. I didn't know what I was doing in my body. Like, I was like, man, I used to laugh at,

what's the name, Bonaducci? When he had that Bonaducci show. That's right. And he fucking bought that bottle of cranberry juice and that bottle of vodka and started drinking it right there in the middle of the street. I was like, fuck, okay, what a loser.

But then, like, a week later, I was doing the same thing. Like, I was, like, not, I just like to just continue. I don't know. I don't know how to stop. I just continue to go five days. No sleep to Brooklyn, man.

Well, I was a binger for all the years. But once I got in here, I bens in the beginning. There was a couple places you could. Listen, to binge coke, you got to be able to go someplace. Yeah. You got to be able to go someplace. You can't do it at home. What are you going to do?

I'm going to go home with you and talk about what comedy is 8 in the morning. Well, this guy's joke. Well, let's put on an out. This is by the script. No, and then we talk about how we got into comedy. and how our father beat us. I don't want to hear that shit. So you have to go somewhere

where there's 20 people in the room. But then it gets creepy. That's a different type of creep. I couldn't handle that no more. I could handle it 20 years ago. But in 2000, that was it. By the time 2000 came, it was either a chick

or me by myself. And that chick knew she was coming to the room to do one thing. Like there was no misunderstanding. You're not coming back to the room to watch TV or listen to music. You got to break up the monotony.

We got to do something. It was terrible. It was a terrible existence, you know, but just to think that in 2009, you quit Coke, and in 2017, you're the American dream, dog.

Yeah, man. You got a special on HBO. You know, you ask 2,000 comics, when they got into comedy, what did they write on the top of that page? And it was an HBO special. Even Mitch Heardberg,

you went an HBO special? When you saw it, Richard Pryor in those days, not really Richard Pryor, but when you saw the Rodney Dangerfield specials and the young comedians, the young comedian, man. They were all HBO. So that sunk something in your... To every kid, you know, which makes 2009 that much more special for you. Like, that's...

People have no idea how much changes when... And you're talking to two fucking guys that were junkies. I mean, listen to us, what we're talking about. envelopes and fucking a gram right in front of each other. Hermaphrodites. Amaphrodites, one of the funniest things ever was that night in Modesto. Yeah. Because while they came in, guys, if I'm telling you this in any other way, I was so ashamed

to myself. But there was nothing I could do. It was done. I was older than these comics. You know, we all went out together, but... And you ran into a crazy fray from Houston that liked to party. I was like a... They were trying to avoid.

I was trying to... In those days... And they were asking, you did Joey got some? It was fucking crazy. The devil would ever work out. And I go to Modesto and everybody up there is fucking high on something. Oh, yeah, man.

At the time, that night, everybody was high on something at that show. And there's 15 people running around backstage, drinking. They had some... Grabbing cups. They had some little room with booze and a garbage can. With all his friends and all his friends and shit. And we got paid cash. We knew what to leave right away.

And then, uh, one of the kids. kids came out to me and I'm bugging them come on get me a package give me a package give me a package I get all stage the showings I didn't get a package but his friend had something he could sell me and I go what is it he goes it's it's speed you know like all right how much you want 30 dollars give me the fucking thing at least I got something that was the way I was thinking in those days Lee I wasn't going to go back to the hotel room with nothing because I knew eventually I was going to get up and start walking the fucking streets oh man take a cab to a bad neighborhood and make a bad mistake oh man I was

That level then. I already had... Once you told me you could get it and it opened up that thing in my mind, it wasn't going to close until I snorted something. If you told me in the beginning of the night, I can't get it. Then I went home thinking I couldn't

get it. But once you told me it's going to be here at 8.30 and when I get offstage it ain't there, I'm fucked because I already opened up that valve of thought. Is any part of you worried in like a new city with a new dealer like if you if you know the guy and you trust him that's one thing but my brain would be like oh this is gonna kill me this is a man people because of

television and media and different things you identify this dealer with this fucking dark character with a hat with a feathers in the shadows with a leather jacket and he shows up with a gun no these people are people who work at the theater oh yeah man they work at the theater I like but everybody's got a cousin and they know somebody. Like in Hollywood, they used to be a guy that another comedian hooked me up with

and this guy used to show up with a tackle box. A tackle box full of drugs. He had Viagra. He had Xanax. He had coke. He had weed. And part of it, I guess,

would be the person, but I meant more along the line. Like the trust line. Like, what do you think they have in there or nothing? Like, if the thing is, like, if the thing is tainted or laced with something or... No, man.

When you're like... You're dealing with this honor among Steve's type attitude. But like Joe Dia said, man, sometimes, man, you got to just forget about all that. You got to go for a long walk and find it. That's when you get in trouble. But also sometimes you made a good dealer. Right. But, man.

You have to trust the people you're getting at first. I did that in Montreal, man. The Montreal Comedy Festival, I was like, I wanted to smoke crack. I got fucked up. It was a young comedian show, man. And then, you know, you just, when you're a drug guy out of you. man, you couldn't find cocaine in the moon

somewhere, man. That's the best. I could go to any city, Lee, and by the second night, have a package. Because I could go on stage and talk about it. And I listen to the laughter.

And I listen to the percentage of the room that's laughing. And I can figure out that one of these motherfuckers that's laughing because only a certain person would get the joke that I'm looking out of window. I can make a cocaine joke about Colombians and narcos and a guy like you will laugh. But when I talk about I worked the peephole last night because I did a couple lines of coke,

the people who laugh know exactly what I'm talking about. When I said I watched, I looked out of window the whole fucking night, people who do coke understand because you don't know what life is until you get up every seven seconds, Lee, to look out your peephole in front of your girlfriend. Your girlfriend will finally go, Lee, why are you looking at the people? Well, not then I just hear something out there. You don't know what paranoia is. That's paranoia.

Hell, yeah. You're sitting there watching the fucking New England Patriot game. And 10 of the morning, you put 10 or 15 bumps in you, or you bump up from the night before. And next thing you know, you start looking at shadows under the fucking door. You see them. The speed makes your mind see somebody's feet come up to the door there and listen, and they walk away.

So in your mind, if somebody's coming up to the door, they put the ear on the door and then they run away they run around the block they get refueled they do it all over again and you're gonna catch him one of these times

paranoia and Felipe's been there five days straight man doing crack on a six day you already seen things bro you're having long conversations time you don't even know what time it is time goes bypassed there's a movie the temptations

they always put it on VH1 David Ruffin and that scene with Taylor Ruffin when he goes up to the he's doing coke or crack and a den and he goes up to the deal and he goes man come on give me another fucking fix

and the guy goes you already out of fixes he goes how about two tickets for the temptations he goes these temptations he goes these two tickets from tentations the guy grabs him looks and he goes these are tickets for yesterday then he gives him his fucking car that's damn I'm missing to the show

and you imagine that link fuck man and you imagine getting together with a girl on a Sunday night and you don't make it the podcast on Monday. Like you just don't make it. You just don't get home until Tuesday morning. Is my phone ringing?

Nothing. Your phone is dead. You're at the holiday in down the corner. You got there Sunday night with some broad. You called your girl and told her you were Joey at the podcast studio that you might be there all night. She calls you at six before she goes to work. You pick up the phone and go on to the balcony and tell you a fellow sleeping. the couch that you got really high

and you don't feel good and you're going to go back to bed you'll be home a little while she goes to work you give that chick another stabbing you look around the room there's still a little Coke rock left and there's still six beers left shit you're going to start doing that coke again that chick's naked on the table you're going to wake

her up eat her pussy and start all over again next thing you know it's 11 o'clock on that corner you're going to stay in your room again just to leave for another day oh my god well ain't nobody going nowhere. You have no idea. You have no idea. You don't care about your job,

your employers, your families, what commitments you had. It really doesn't matter when you're on a fucking 10. I know, man. You should check that a long time ago. You have a plane to take off. You're there next to day. You don't give a far. You have a pounding more

bills to yourself. It is something that well, not anymore. I'm not going to lie to that. Not anymore. It doesn't bother me like I did four or five years ago. It was still bothering me because I'd still get vivid memories

of that weekend in Beaumont when I went to the fucking neo-Nazis and bought Coke. Do you know what that's like? Slade's brother took me to the other side of Beaumont and there had swat stickers on the wall and shit. And I go, are you fucking kidding me?

But let me tell you something. Felipe, you know me. It was one of the top 10 cocaine I ever bought on the road in 30 years. That's how good that Nazi Coke was. It was yellow as fuck. That Nazi Coke at 4 in the morning, that shit took me to a different fucking level.

It was yellow and it was real. It was flaky. It wasn't cut. 200 bucks. They gave me an 8-4.30 in the fucking morning. Who buys an 8-bore 4-30 in the morning? but that's like a death sentence, Lee, an eight ball at 4.30 in the morning. But you guys have, like, I know you probably didn't go back to the Nazis.

Maybe you did. I don't know. I only went one time. But did you have, like, if you were going to go to, I know you're going to say Houston, but maybe in, like, Idaho, did you have, like, this dealer's got this, and I can't wait to go there? Oh, yeah. He knew you were Cuban?

Huh? Did the guy care of you were Cuban? He didn't care. He cared that I was in a movie at the time. All right. And that's all that matters. I was in a movie. I was in their living room.

You're famous, Cuban. I was buying an eight ball, and I was fucked up, and so were they. And they just overlooked it. I'm saying? They just overlooked it. I went to an after-hour party with one of the waiters from the laptop. That black kid, lightskin kid, a tall-skinned anyone, on the laptop. He's always there.

And it was like, man, it was like one of those after-hour black clubs, you know. It costs like $5 bucks to get in And the bartender Was selling beer And she was selling drugs You know And beer and drugs

And I went through Two comedians And Keith Manning and Theo Taylor Two black guys But they had a pool table But not only that man They were serving food too

Like Southern food Like bow dang balls I don't even know what that is They're like balls With fucking like rice and ground beef inside dipped in gravy.

And of course they got me there, you know, like I want to buy a Coke. So the first line was perfect, you know, like, fuck, man. You know, it was the best Coke ever. Like, it really brought me down, like, it was fucking good, man. So I said, fuck, you give me three of them. But after that, man, I could never. There were Fugaises. Fuck, no, man.

I could never reach that level again, you know. I was just chasing the dragon. Oh, no. Well, the first package. It was like the first bomb. Good, man. It was like, ooh, man. That was like, yeah, man.

It's going to be a badass party. Order some bodan balls. I had a meeting two weeks ago. Man, man. I met a dude at Marie E. Holmes Road. Holmes Road. It was called Holmes Road in Houston.

And the guy's very sweet. And he said, hey, man, my buddy's writing a book about disco. And he comes here. Do you mind talking to him for 10 minutes? About two weeks ago, I went down to Marie Thieler little earlier, and I met the guy. I was gay, very sweet. We talked about a few discos in the city.

And we were talking about cocaine. He goes, do you mind if I ask you? And I said, bring it up. And he goes, you know, what? I asked him what? I told him what streets I copped at and shit. But the most important thing, I broke down from Philippine, and I didn't realize that I got in the call was that Coke from the 80s,

when you first did a blast of that shit. I remember going to Miami in 84, Felipe. And the cocaine in Miami at the time that they had was making your eyes red. You weren't getting fucking speedy or nothing. You were just fucking lit. And your eyes got that red vein in them. And you stayed up for a day,

but you weren't speedy. You just stayed up. It was like a weird energy. But if you really tried, you could fall asleep if you really tried. Later on, you couldn't sleep for shit. You try to lay down and your fucking heart's pounding out of your fucking shirt. You have no idea.

Sweating for your chest. And you couldn't drink enough beer to, like... No, man, no. The cocaine burns through alcoholily. Yeah, man. That's why it's one thing balances the other. So you get to a point between the alcohol, the nicotine, the THC, and the Coke, the pills, and the Coke.

Everything is fucking running together. You know what I'm saying? Like, they talk about the... Somebody said, I mean, do you ever see Hunter S. Thompson's drug menu? Listen, I lived it. You know what I'm saying? What are you talking about?

Except for the morning stuff, I was never a really morning drug guy. Me neither, man. Especially the last 20 years. I was too busy doing this shit so you kept behind the morning. I never was a day drinker. That never happened.

I don't like alcohol at night. Never mind it to when the fucking afternoon when I'm going to get a headache the rest of the fucking day. But my shit at night, I went and went fucking deep. hard and listen I'm not I'm not

glamorizing it by no means I'm just showing you even Felipe that in 2009 Felipe was still out of and I remember I would wake up some mornings I'd have a miss call from Felipe at 615 the morning I go wow

and I call him up what he'd do by that time he already copped and he'd be telling me I'm writing dog I woke up I did some push-ups and I wouldn't put it together why Felipe would call me to call this having the fucking morning. And I've been there where you just, let me just call.

In your mind, you're like, let me just call Felipe. Maybe he's holding. You know what I'm saying? I remember one day there was a guy, you were asking about drug dealers, Lee. Let me tell you how wide open it is. Again, sorry to talk about this. This city, one of my favorite cities in the country. Hollywood.

Houston, Texas, had a kid that would come to your shows, Lee, and he would give you a bud, and you'd go, wow. this is Houston where did you get this from he goes this is what I grow and he'd go I got six other strains you want to buy something you're like yeah you'd go out to his cardily and he had one of those construction trucks with the panels and shit and I wish I was lying to you Lee I wish I was lying to you he would open off the panels and he'd have little jars of weed this is fucking 12 years ago the last stop was still open yeah this was at the last stop

when Rogan was headlining those things that you see of that that fucking video that you see of red band texting me and me going off on him in 2003 that was then that was then this guy would show up to the shows and he would have these weed containers

and then part of the conversation he'd go hold on and it was like you were in that scene and taxi driver I got fucking pills and you're like wait a second what do you got the one time he came to the show he had Coke, Vicodin, Valium, Xanax, some tranquilize he gave the retarded kids when they went over the top.

He had something else. He had 20 different fucking things in there. He must have been your favorite. I used to give him $200, bro, and he would give me a to-go package that would fucking make a mule sing. He would give me like a half-eight ball, fucking 20 vicetans, 20 Zanx. He never a variety pack for me. Oh, my God. He'd give me fucking animal tranquilizers.

is you have no idea. Would you do something like give you like your favorite drug dealer like a Christmas present or something? All the time. Jesus. My Don Sleazy, I used to give him shit every year, clothing, hats, whatever they fucking gave me. I didn't want. I passed it out to my drug dealer. That's the Martel.

Yeah, because I usually owe the money. So this would kill things for a little while. At least I got a package on Christmas Eve, you know what I'm saying? That's funny. Sometimes that you would talk, let me get a gram until tomorrow. You would take him to shows to pick up. You're like, you're going to pay the 100. You're right there next to you.

You get him a drink. You just get it right next to him. I used to bring him to shows with me. Yeah, I used to hang out at the Walt Coyote. Yeah, I used to bring him to shows. Having a good time, like a little groupie. I still talk to, I talked to Don Sleazy. Yeah, he has tremendous weed.

Good weed. I talked to Don Sleazy three days ago. Armo, my Armenian. Yeah. I talked to him about every three weeks. How about the wolf? But the lad, the wolf is in New York selling real estate, making fucking money at the age of 70 fucking three or four years old.

You used to bring the wolf around too, bro. I used to order an old man. You guys would show that, I used to order an extra burrito for him too. Cogne, the wolf was a dear friend. I had him on the podcast about eight months ago. He always little cards out. I almost stabbed him. He came on here, and his daughter told him not to talk about the old days

that he would be charged. and he came on here and sat there like a fucking retard so I put him in a cab and his ex-wife called me and asked me what I gave him and I said you know he's the wolf you never knew what he had in that top pocket never I knew the wolf since 1988

is he named after the Pulpiction character no he's named after his own character he's the original wolf car sales in Denver right in Denver I met him in Denver originally from New York and next week dealer from Hawaii, junkie, New York, East Lolo East Side.

He did also crack back in a day he had queeries. His family owned the string of pharmacies and he robbed all of them in the 60s. They were Jewish and his brother was

the Jew Mambo king of the New York City in the early 50s. The dance king? Yeah, there were all the dance people choose. Tell a story of his hand real cool like, joya,

I'm rooting my mind. He would fucking do shit. He was the perfect part because when you're doing drugs like that, you have to have a partner. And there has to be an understanding that, listen, you scratch my back and I scratch your back. You know what that means, Lee?

No. If today, Tuesday, tomorrow morning, I wake up broke and you wake up broke. And God forbid you get a check. I got mail for the wrong location. And now you get in the mail for 280. I get 100 off the top. What? Yeah.

Because I might get a check Thursday when you're broke. It might be six. And you might get sick. 600. I might throw you a buck 50. You're like a little mini corporation. It's a mini corporation. It runs both ways. But there's times when we're both broke. It's like a corporation, man. And that's when I used to go on. That's what I would put my cape on.

Okay. I mean, if it's like, do people like abide to it? Yes. Yes. I used to hate when I was a server and people would like pull tips. I'm like, I don't trust any of these motherfuckers. No, no, no. This is, this is life. This is brotherhood life. This has nothing to do with people. do it because they want to do it. So when you have a drug partner, that picks you up every day at one and goes, what's the schedule for the day?

You're like, well, how much gas you got? You know what I'm saying? How much gas you got? That's number one. How much gas do we have to work with? Because we're broke. So we're going to have to fucking take a ride somewhere and pick up an oven.

You never know what you got to do it. What are you doing with an oven? You never know. It's a quick 50. You might have to drive, chew it around. Who gives a fuck, Lee? 50. When you're doing drugs, it doesn't matter.

Every day is an adventure. Yeah, man. You're not living on that fucking computer. And I'm not saying nothing bad. I just made a joke here. But you wake up and you have $3.50 in your pocket. You got to eat breakfast and you got a pack of cigarettes. Cigarettes are $6 or $7 last time.

I checked. So you're already minus $3.50. So you hope leaves still sleeping next door and you go leaps. Give me $5. I got milk for breakfast or something. I only got $7, Joe. Give me the five. Every year.

because the first thing of these is a cigarette to get the thinking going because there's a roach in the ashtray from the night before. Give me five. Hurry up. There we go. And then the whole drove it to 11,

that fucking roach. So you got to smoke that cigarette, smoke that roach, shower, and get out that fucking door and hustle breakfast. So there's a guy that'll give you an egg of sandwich and a yule on the tab.

That's the first place you hit. You tell them how you fucking left your wallet. Your cousin's last night. I take a bus down there and pick it up. You'll swing by the Layton, give him the three fucking bucks. There's no three bucks. You don't even take it a fucking bus. You're walking, bitch. This egg sandwich he gives you, and this soda

is your nutrients. So, who knows? You know what I'm saying? Until you can make some money. And you never know what you're going to do. You never know what you're going to bump into. Next thing I bump into Felipe and Philippe, and Philip will go, dog, you're not going to believe this. You know that do Lupe you don't like? Yeah.

He stashes his drugs outside of his house. That's it. We're on. We got a pipe. We got to The mind fucked for the day. How are we going to do it? I don't know, because there's 10 Mexicans on one corner and there's 82 on the other. Unless you dress up like a fucking mailman and go in there and pick the rocks apart.

I mean, Liam, we get created. You know, the time when I got fucked up in Houston, you know that one time? And I remember that young kid, he was around. He worked for the club. He loaned me a PlayStation feeder. One of those PSP. He loaned me a PlayStation.

The little ones, you hold, like a PSP. Yeah. A PSP, he had just got it. But I was all coked out, playing games with it, you know, and he loaned it to me. So when I took off, I took off with it. So I owe like $300, bro, and I never paid the guy. And I think Joy paid him for me. And I didn't even know.

And they won Dave. David. David. He showed up to my show, and I had money, bro. And I said, you know what? I never forget people who took care of me. So I just said, bro, I know I owe 300 bucks. So here, boom, boom, boom.

I get him $300. And then I find out from you that you gave him a 300 bucks. But it's all right, man. He was a good dude. He was a good dude. He was a good dude. Him and his cousin took really good care of me. He took care of me too, man.

Over the years, you'd be surprised. David, I remember calling David at 2 in the morning going, David, I need a package. I don't know where to go, you know. You can give me a ride, and David will leave his wife come over, pick me up. Yeah. And give me a ride to the other side of Houston. a gram of Coke from somebody.

I was crazy. He also took it to dumplings whenever he wanted. Yes. He took it to the dumplings and he took it to the other place to fucking. Rudy's barbecue, I think. Not barbecue, but the fucking calaches. Kalachis! Kalachi place.

You know that place was flooded, man? All the little area? Yeah, yeah. All those cheap hotel they need to put us in, bro, the laptop? Man was bad. It was flooded, man. How'd you do this weekend?

It was good, man. Was it ready? Is it ready to go? It was ready to go, man. You donate half of the money to the Houston Food Bank and the other place with Friends for Life Animal Shelter. It's a no-kill animal shelter. They don't kill the animals.

Good for you, bro. Like, if you bring a dog, like some of the athletes, rescued a lot of animals from the floods. So if you're missing an animal, man, go check there. They don't kill them, man. Like, if you're a dog with no leg, they give them a little wheelchair. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool. They have a, would they have wheelchairs now?

And they're bringing dogs all around the country. So check your, check yourself. So that was good, man. I thought because Sean Wayne was there when the hurricane started. He left. He did a Thursday show, but he was gone by Friday. Then, so there were no show. So I'm like one of the first shows back since after the flood.

So I sold out some shows. I was happy. Thank you very much. Houston's strong. But it was good, man. Because I remember, like, when we were struggling, like we were taking any gig with Mark Babette. you know and then we got booked you and I

we co-headlined together at the at the Houston Improv I remember to forget that man I sold 35 CDs for 20 bucks and that's pretty much saved me because we're making that much money but man man you knew everybody there man

I was because I remember that one night when I stood up for five days over there I called you up I said you know anybody that you could call up some guy named Jenkins some not Jenkins some other guy man some local comedian. And then I think I hooked up with a guy you're talking about that had all the drugs.

Yeah. It was some little Mexican dude. Real nice guy, man. But gangster. The dealer in Houston. Very gentleman over there, man. My original dealer in Houston would show up to the club on Thursday

or to the hotel. Take orders. And no, no, no. He dropped something off from me at the hotel to take the stress level down. Orale. And he'd say, I'm not going to collect till Saturday. run it

run the tab so Thursday I had a package I had to do radio Friday or Wednesday and those days it was Wednesday through Sunday and I didn't mind

sleeping in Houston on Sundays because it was another party not on Monday Monday was the open mic yeah the open mic was tight Lee

it was a long six days and he used to be my friend and then it was packed bro Like a lot, a lot of local. I'm talking Monday nights, guys, open mic, 300 people from 7 to 2 fucking a.m. 60 fucking comics.

60 fucking comics. And, man, a lot of open micers and a lot of like drinking. Local will show up. Booze, blow. Leafers. 8 to fucking 10.30. For whatever they charge you would be one of the best shows you ever fucking. Yeah, man.

That last time open mic was shit. Those young open micers. and those feature acts were brilliant. And then the headliner would stay because that was it. And the headliner from the other club would stay. Yeah. Because there was three clubs in those days.

So you had three headliners on a Monday night. Place was packed 10 bucks, you know, dollar beers till fucking 11. What do you expect? Oh, my God. And you would get fucked up every night. And then you had to get up Monday all over again. Again. And then right outside of the other.

club man like I remember sitting on outside in the curb of the club like with a bunch of people that were at the show we were all fucked up man it was awesome it's awesome that was those are memories man that they're embarrassing but at the same time like I told when Ron White was here I met Ron White behind the Houston lap stop 1998 Tommy John he was opening up for Kathleen Madigan and we're out there smoking a joint and you know that's the reason why I would go listen I would go to Houston because I had all my necessities covered good food I always brought refo I had refa down there and I had best cocaine on all the cities my cocaine cities were Houston Dallas always played with me Dallas I could go to one time and I had more coke than Noriega then the other time I couldn't get a fucking gram or fucking nothing El Paso was always there always the rest of El Texas was always there. Miami I was

covered. Atlanta I was covered. D.C. I was covered. Mertal Beach. Forget about it. It's right there at the club waiting for you. Forget about the Jersey clubs, the New York clubs, all those clubs. There's always somebody who sells coke. Poughkeepsie. There's one dude at those

clubs. You talk about it on stage. You walk over to the bar as you get in the drink. The bartender will go. That joke about the fucking blow was hysterical. It'll give you a long look. Something you, you know, check in and run away the guy who picks you up

asks you if anything you need that club we did in Iowa that gig you got me oh that was whitey's whitey's billiards and um the buke and there was a fucking cocaine haven yeah the pool table rednecks and messkins

and the guy paid you at the airport and he gave you the weed for the night yes bro he paid you when he picked wighty that was the name was whitey He paid you when he picked you up, Lee. Okay. And he gave you a fucking package. And he looked me in the face and he goes, I'll come back to the whole town and bring you some blown.

I go, I'm done. I don't do it anymore. And on the way there, he was telling me what we were at Dubuque. Yeah. Was the number one place for meth in the country that if somebody saw that you had Dubuque plates that would actually ask you if you had meth on you because that's what it was known for. The owner owned that town, man. So the owner owned that town.

Five car lots. We check into the fucking, I check into the hotel my weekend. First of all, you had to take two planes that you fly into Chicago. Then you're going to take a smaller plane into southern Illinois. Did you do the casino first, then debut? No, no, no, no. I did the Mexican restaurant. Okay.

I'm talking about the Mexican restaurant. You got this get confused. How's the Mexican restaurant in Debut, Guy? Oh, that's right. Dog, because they landed in Mexico. Instead of going to L.A. The Gapham Riddles drove you. No, no, no.

That was when I went to the Michigan. That was when I went and did the Penguins gig. Okay. You got me a gig one time where you flew into Chicago and the guy picked you up on the southern tip of Chicago of Illinois and then he drove you over into Iowa. Mike Keel. And they were the first Mexicans ever in Iowa.

Yes, Mike Keel. Mexican restaurant. He picks me up at the fucking airport. There's a guy named Coco. He's got like a spot on his face. Yeah. He had like a birthmark on his face. He picks you up in the truck, Lee.

He gives you a. envelope and he gives you a handful of Riefer, which I already have... East Chicago, you were by the Iowa like the border of it. Something over there. Yeah, and all of these messy who are lawyers. The guy told me where you're going, it's where meth is fucking invented.

Yes. So if they see people with those, whatever plates, and I'm sorry to say the name. I'm not saying it correctly. I'm not here on Social City. He told me at the gas station that they did a big thing about it on HBO. Everybody knows it's a big Met thing.

He takes me to the hotel league. It's so fucking secluded that if you missed the 6 a.m. flight, you ain't flying out to the next day. Hell no. It's one of those fucking places, okay? I'm not sure if my wife was pregnant. I'm not sure what the fuck happened.

But all I know is I get to the gig and the mother's there, the father's there, the parents, everybody's there, the families, the wives with rocked in their hand, everybody's drinking margaritas, two comics went up they brought me up I did my 40 minutes it was a lot of fun

they sold like 80 tickets okay second show the parents leave Lee and all of a sudden the place turned into fucking evening of monsters everybody and Leah look at me when I talk to you real quick

you know I another to look at you like this if there were 60 people in that bar including the staff and the workers everybody was on blood that shit turned to dust to dog it turned from dust to dawn

jaws were going people were waiting online by bathrooms drinks were everywhere I tried to do the second show there was no a lot of 80 conversations no fucking nothing

I gave up up to 25 minutes and you know me I'll beat them up if I have to for 10 nothing I got off and they were happy bro. You said that. They were so coaked up. The guy offered me again.

On the way there, the guy's like, you are. And he was fucked up already at 11. I looked at him 80 times. Are you going to be pick me up at fucking 4.30?

I'll be there, dog. Better than I'll be there. I'll pick you up. Was this a tall meskin? I don't remember, dog. I know he called me a few times. He contacted me maybe the first time I went

had to be 10 years ago. Yeah. Then he kept calling me for a few years. he was going to bring me back, but he scared me. That shit scared me. I can't handle that now. Now, where was he 20 years ago?

I would have moved there. Yeah. I would have just fucking stayed. There was fucking broods. There was fucking drinking. There was a bartender just, it was like 1980. I used to go to a bar called the rooftop. $12 to get in all you could drink from three to fucking seven.

It was the same thing. People all over the place. Conversations. Aligned to go to the men's bathroom. A line to go to the woman's bathroom. Everybody talking nonsense. I think that guy your name was Sam in Chicago.

What is this? Jeopardy. Who gets a fuck? Shut out. What I know is it was a fun fucking. You always, you and me always did those fucking gigs. Hell yeah. Where the night ended up in a question mark. Oh, yeah. Like, when you first get into comedy, you do these gigs with a night. In Odessa, it's 17 people, but the guy's paying you still. Remember we did Odessa, the Wild Wild West Bar?

Me, you a man, man, one? Yeah, no, Rudy. It was Odessa or... It was Odessa that was fucking, what's the name, Roman, John Roman. And it was like 35 people, but the guy still paid us. Wasn't that with Nikki Guerra? Yes.

Are you sure that was the weekend? It was like in a bar, bro, in the middle of nowhere, in Midland, Texas. That was where you got raided. That's when you had the bartender had those big ass titty and shit, a biker bar. Right there, those guys didn't give up. fuck how fool it was because everybody

was making money there yeah yeah yeah then they robbed the place yeah and everybody went to federal prison and the biker boyfriend husband they got locked up or she ratted him out or he got out she testified against some guys that guy was crazy this is the comedy this is

I told you about that gig because listen bro don't worry about it bro nobody's gonna show up but the guy still pays you because he loves comedy and he's trying to build a comedy scene over there and that guy paid me man I couldn't believe it. You pulled up to a trailer. That was a trailer.

That was a trailer. Whatever money will give you. There was nothing. It was a trailer. It was a warehouse. There was nothing around there. Dust. A couple of horses.

Like people, and people drove. That's the place where the people said, I want to take a picture with you. And I go, okay, let's take it. And they're like, we don't have a camera. And they go, so how are going to take a picture?

And they go, I don't know. And they're holding you. Huh? And they're holding you for the photo, but there's no camera. No, no, no, no. I shook my hand and I could feel how dirty the whole family was shit. The whole family was dirty.

The two daughters had no necks. The two daughters had no necks. They just kept looking at me like they were fucking Martians. They had never been out of night before and shit. And real alien. The father waited till the end. And he shook my hand and his hand was filthy. You ever shake somebody's hand?

His hand is filthy. But I mean like there's grease. My dad, he was cat. And then he had on top of that he had like that little mild salt. You know, if he went to the beach and he put his hands in butter and he put him in salt, you know. And then he dipped him on the beach. Sure, that happens all the time. Well, you never know.

That's what his hands felt like. In other words, he hadn't washed his hands in three or four fucking days. Okay, that's what his hands felt like. So after we shake hands, I go, how are you doing? He goes, you know, you were pretty funny. He goes, listen. Are you want to take a picture? He goes, yeah.

And we just, we had like an uncomfortable moment for you. 20 seconds. I'm like, I got a camera? And he goes, no, I don't. I go, so how are we going to take a picture?

How are we going to get it to you? And he goes, I don't know. He goes, I just want to take a picture. Damn. So that's the type of bar that fucking was. Man, the owner of that place,

remember the biker guy? The guy with the hair. Yeah, but there was another crazy guy that sold, that sold, another crazy guy that sold, he sold ecstasy. But they gave me some weed,

right. Then in the afternoon after press, the owner called me, a Philippine. We're going to go to the fights. You want to go to the fights? And I said, I'm good, man. All right, no, we're going to go, man. You're going to go to the fights. It's fine, man. We're all going. My half of the child is going to be there.

And I said, all right, man. Then I started looking around, man. What kind of fight is this, man? No, it's dog fights. You know, my pet booth fighting. You know, I got $3 000 on him. And I said, nah, man, I don't want to go, man. He just take me back. I got to go over my set. I got to take a nap, man. I was tired from radio.

You know, like, fuck, dog. Is that how they get done in Texas? Like, an actual dogfight. And they were going to, like, he had a farm, and they're going to have it at some other guy's farm. And this guy's the only guy who drives a red humber in town. Then there was the other place that the owners were Mexicans. But the kid who ran the club was white, and he was a magician.

And he was married to two people, and the cops were looking for him. He had a warrant out in Houston. They were all espars us probably. We did a game with Wayete and they own a club and these guys were all esparsas. I don't know what they were. I know the town was whatever we did it. And again, I'm not here to disrespect. I love Texas.

Texas rocks. We moved to Texas. This place was fucked up. I don't know. It was a border town. Close to the border. It was fucked up. McAllen.

The fucking, the bar was owned by belt buckle, Mexican. Cowboy hats and the boots. and when you got there they gave you an 8 ball right off the bat on a fucking Friday it was four shows and the bar got busted a couple times

Jesus Christ what about the other place and where's Selena from Corporate Christie bro they get down over there too Corpus Christi I had some weird fucking somebody left me a big bump in the toilet bro

somebody gave me coke when they had remember there there was a club down there that for years they tried to do something with it and they had like a milkshake type theme. Yeah. It was the one that the devil bought before

it was something else. It was a club with an empty fucking mall. It was a comedy club. I did it with Marilyn. Yeah. Maryland went down there. It was good money and came Saturday night. Marilyn called me. She said, Joey, come to my room. I have something for you.

And I went over and her and Dave were eating fucking God bless this. So they were eating fucking chocolates and popcorn. and salami and shit they were hysterical when they went on the road Lee they brought a fucking cooler with them like I had never seen that not a cooler cooler you know those big big big industrial coolers salami cheese a kohman fucking beers crackers they were going to a hotel room they wouldn't have to leave that's why she was 400 fucking pounds because she was just sit there with

her dress on that bed fucking eat and snacks all day licking her fingers and shit I went to a hotel room and she gave me like there had to be three, four grams of blow like what did you get this from and she goes to yell at him he didn't give you that I go you fucking crayon he didn't give me and she goes go downstairs he's got something for you I took marilands and I went downstairs

and the owner's like I've been looking for you take this this is part of your payment I stayed I missed that fucking flight I didn't leave till Monday yeah well what happened if I got I came and I don't do coke and he's like yeah that's part of your payment Did anyone ever do that?

You give it away or you started? Looks like you're doing coke. You'll find a woman that wants to do it, bro. It doesn't have any. When you come back here, come back to LA, you make a few calls and you get rid of it wholesale. Fuck. Or you rock it up, bro. You order all.

People wouldn't give you nothing like that. It just, they knew. These are all, listen, you play that places that were legitimately, you play at some places that people wanted to try comedy. Don't forget Bugsy then Tucson, bro. Bugsies and Tucson. God. Big Alex. $150. Wednesday night.

$150 bucks flat. They flew you out of Burbank. What a gig. The hotel was questionable. Oh, yeah. It was a haunted golf course. Oh, but the tacos across the street from the hotel. The Mexican food across the street from the hotel.

Oh. There was Gabriel Glensias on your first gig. When he lost his virginity. That's what me. And they smell like the trash can and red laughter. And the chick. Mommy, mommy, mommy. Yeah, my mommy.

They'll go chairs. That is the chereys. Now, if you went to Bugsies and you brought a bug, they let you in on Wednesday nights. What kind of bug? Anytime. Just like a gross thing. That was like the ultimate gig, man. If you killed the fly and you brought it on Wednesday night to let you in for free in a baggie.

Yeah, man, you can hook up with anybody there, man. I hope that was a pregnant chick. Who would they put that baggy? Up your ass holy. I don't fucking know. I didn't ask. The owners, they just know what you would like to. party, man, don't give it to you. Oh my godly.

That was crazy Wednesday nights. And nobody missed that flight because they're going to give another one. And I was on the rotation. I was going every seven weeks. Like every seven weeks, Rudy would call me pissed-off. You know how much Gabriel got there for that show? Because Rudy Murano had asked me, you know any comedians?

They want to do it for real cheap. I knew Gabriel Glensia's fluffy. He had just started doing style in the comedy two weeks. Two weeks. But he's already killing. Killing. So I said, I know this comic That I could do it

He got $60 and Lassie Virginity Oh my God And then $60 in a plane ticket? And you flew out of Burbank, South West Oh my God I mean it was tremendous We were spoiled I don't know if we were spoiled

But it was like It was good to have those gags at the time You flew down Wednesday morning At about 11 o'clock Some dude who weighed 600 pounds Alex picked you up in a fucking truck At the Tucson airport and you went to a fucking restaurant.

Good fucking food. Listen to me, dog Lee. He weighed 600 pounds. Shrim tacos. What do you think that order looked like? When you got to your table, he weighed six hundred. He had fat on the back of his neck, Lee.

Like one of those guys on the 600 pound line. Like he was one of those guys. Yeah, but he was global. Yeah. He would walk like, like walk. He would take us to that place first. You ate, and then you. You took a nap because trust me, a nap was...

We order like 20 tacos? Tacos. Tacos. They're like... They are good cocktails, man. Everything. Everything, man. Everything.

Just think of a table with fucking... Like, every type of food on it. Like, and he only pays $48. Like, you can order, give him two shrimp cocktails or shrimp cassadilla and two fish tacos. And it was right there, man. We got him up to the room. You took a night. If he started drinking Micheladas.

And that, he would drink Micheladas. He would drink Micheladas. He picked you up at 7.30. The gig starts. out of that eight, three comics did 30 minutes apiece, and then they did a disco DJ. And that's when you met your little victim for the night. Hell yeah, she stuck around after the show.

They stuck around after the show. You picked up your little girlfriend. They took it to this hotel with a door that closed. It was crazy. It was a crack hotel. I was there with a chick one time with a comedian, a female comic. As you called me in the middle of the night,

that somebody was opening up a bathroom window and shit. That's a cracky hotel, but go there now. It's beautiful. They redid it. It's got like a southern, what's that? The western, southwestern flare. It's orange with marble and shit. I was just there maybe 10 years ago, eight years ago.

I met a woman there that Jeth had a baby, bro. Like, she had a newborn. And I remember we had sex, bro. The baby was crying, man. And I was trying to keep the baby crying going, shh. But, man, I had a lot of good food into it, man. You know, besides all that,

I had ranch French fries and baking bits for the first time there Lee that's we fucking hey man I remember you ordered a fucking 20 piece for the chicken Let me tell you something Lee In those days

We were fucking slabs We were slabs one B We were making no money So half the payment was The food in that city It's like anybody knew that Anytime you have any of those rides Modesta, Visalia

all those Fresno's. Lots of Newville. There's a stop on the 101 North or something, the Five North League. And he's my witness. That's why I told you that time. There's like an exit. There's a food truck and a gas station. And it was well known that on the way up, you always stopped there.

And it was young deli-ishist dog. I'm talking 20 years ago. Mexican food? Yeah. It was not true. You're talking about that place that you went into a subway? A gas station? Yeah, almost like a subway

When you open the door And then you're in a Mexican restaurant No, no, no, no They still had the food truck outside It was like an old lunch truck Okay, I know what that was that one is You know what that one is? Yeah, because on the side

It's an Indian restaurant Yes, something crazy Yeah, but the good fucking burrito Oh my God, Lisa, yeah All that shit And they were three dollars Yeah, they hold back on the tortas, man It was fat and like if you order

A chorizo torta, the fucking The bread was red Yeah, you have to go to places In those days That place too there. Anywhere I went, it was because I was doing comedy. I could practice my routine, A, B, I was getting paid. Sleep well.

Not a lot of money. Sometimes I didn't stay in sleep. Sometimes I pocketed the hotel money and fucking drove back five hours. Like a solid job. I was one of those guys. You're a savage, bro. I would do that. You would just cut corners.

No, I would go, fuck it. I'm going to snort Coke Thursday, Friday. My gig is Saturday. So by Saturday, I won't want to snort. But I won't want to snort. to stay up there either. I'll do the gig and drive back. You know, I would take, even though I was snorting a lot in those days, I would also know

when I was taking the days off. I would plan the day off, so I would snort all the way up to that day off. You know, it was easy. It wasn't hard. And then there was another gig man with, oh my God, that Rick Martinez used to have with a crazy white boy magician in Stockton. That guy hooked me up too, man. He showed up with like all kind of chains and shit, that Mexican dude.

Him and his girlfriend in a band. Yeah, man, that was tight. There's so many dudes, man. Why didn't I start doing comedy shows? You know, it's funny that... Then we did that taping for no reason. In Sacramento, we didn't know the taping. Well, at least I didn't know.

It's funny, Felipe, that we're talking about all these gigs. And again, this Saturday, you're on HBO. I know, man. It is like HBO. Like, who the fuck would have? Who would have thought, man. We were doing those Wednesday night. You know, I talk about it on a podcast all the time that we're making a living.

You, me, Ralphie Mae, man, just hanging out. Sharing, eating a burrito and not even thinking about what's going to happen in the future. They're just eating a fattest burrito. $60 doing Camacho. $40. Ralphie Mae would do go show up for $60 and a barrette and a buffet. You'd always save me a green pork burrito. Yes.

When I'd walk in, Felipe would hand me a pork, a green pork burrito with rice and beans. Oh, Lee, you have no fucking idea. And then I would raid around, do my little spot, hopefully that Willie would get off in time,

and then I would do my little fucking time and get in that car and come back, hopefully pick up another gig or I'd have a spot at the comedy store. Those are the gigs. They made me, man. Yeah, they made who I am too. And I'm, you know, part of it.

It was every day. It was every day. I knew that every day I had to make a $50 somewhere because I would add it up for 30 days. You know, I needed to make $50 because my rent was $2.95 at the time. I found a garage, I find a good spot to live in Frogtown right next to Emilio Rivera's house. A little one studio, bro, right next to a Salvadorian guy. Sorote, tantal all the night, so lot, much ariddo, serote. And I lived there, bro, like, and man, I try to every,

Every money I got, I fucking, well, like you did for drugs. But when I was sober, when I didn't do drugs, I found another way to fuck up my life, you know? I started gambling. Like, me and Gabriel Galesias, we would go, we would make $100 and drive to the Morongo casino and try to flip it to 300, 400, and we would lose, bro. I remember we did a show with Dante, the comedian Dante, and he paid us with, We went out $700, $700,000, and we pulled over to the too much casino, and we fucking lost it all in nine hours. And we were up and down, bro.

Open down, up and down. And I remember watching Gabriel's $1,300 go away, and he put his head down, and he said, wow, there goes my laptop. I was going to buy. And he missed a gig. He missed a gig You know because I know We we fucking

We stood there We fucking didn't sleep And we missed our fucking gig Man the next gig So I always found a way To fuck of my life You know I don't know if you ever had a problem

Gambling When I was younger I did I was like an idiot bro I didn't like it I was gonna horses I didn't like it I like listen I like you calling me

And going hey What are you doing this afternoon Let's go to San Anita Let's stop at the ATM. I take 60 bucks out. When I get there, we get a hot dog, we go for a walk, we smoke a joint, we bet till we lose the 40,

or if we win, we stay. Usually I do five, if we do five or six fucking races, we did an hour and a half. We got some sun. We had a nice hot dog cooked by dirty people. You had yourself some headache beer, and you bet, you're fucked around for a little while.

What do you give a fuck? If you're going down to the, make a living, that's a complete different set of rules right there. If you're going down there and make a living, like you need to pay rent, so you're going to go on to the horse track, and that's how you think you're going to make it. Good luck to you. I remember you had

a joke about a funny joke about gambling and you busted out. You were busted out at Wild Coyotes or, you know, we did a lot of sports bars, bro. A lot of places that would turn off the fucking Laker game or whatever game that was on for comedy and didn't like that shit. And you said, I don't I don't give a fuck about no fucking

NFL. I wear a hat every Sunday. It's like the Raiders negative 7. I got a hat that says minus 7. Minus 7. Because the Raider needs to lose by 7. It's funny. You mentioned that. I was thinking about a gig that day. That it was in a place that you

did comedy and right next to it was where you, I mean guys, right next to the way you stood, 50 yards from where you stood was a fucking those basketball things. Where you shoot the basket and if it goes in it goes around and you win a fucking prize.

Yeah, a carnival. And I think it was this is a bastion's a tin room. So I went to the ha-ha about three weeks ago on a Wednesday. I go, let me go on that two Thursday. On a Thursday. Thursday, I said, he called me, the other kid, Sepata. And he goes, bro, you never dropped mine in a ha-ha on that Thursday.

I didn't know you were there. So I was at the store that night. I go, let me get another son under my belt. I pulled up. I go in there. What the fuck was I talking about that? You were talking about seeing Sebastian. So I saw Sebastian Satina, man.

And he goes, do you remember me? And I go, I never forgot you. You know, I go, how many fucking gigs did you get me? You know what I'm saying? Let's be honest. You paid the fucking bills. He was the king of the Alcapulco gigs. He had all the Alcapulcos.

Every Alcapulco, Manabello, Whittier. He had that gig where you had the fucking basketball court next to the comedy stage. That was one of his. gigs man it was weird how all these young comics and there were thousands of gigs and rest in peace to rudin medina who i gave him a shout out on my life my last motherfucker i told him rest in peace rudin medina this guy was like this guy was a kid was a kid who would show up every wednesday get heckled and really used to beat his ass in comedy like make fun of him and he started doing comedy and he used to book a pizza place that was 18

and overcoat tutos and he would pay cash man Remember Rudy Medina? Fuck yeah. He used to book the whatever country club. The Whittier? Country Club? What's the other one? It was a country club somewhere over there.

The stage? Oh, no. It was in Orange County. I don't know what you were talking about. No, no, no, no. What's the place you used to do, tortillas? Yeah. By the hospital.

Yeah. Same exit to go to that country club. So think about that exit. What was the name of the town when we did come? It was the Whittier. It was the Whittier Country Club. Abiza. He had a gig inside the,

with you, a country club that I did three or four times. He was a great kid. Yeah, I tried hard. And that's, listen, half the time when you really love comedy and you are not getting booked. Oh, the Montebello Club. The Montebello Country Club. And you don't know how to get booked.

You know what you do? You go to a bar. Start a fucking room. And you start a room. And you don't, you're not Sinatra. You're not going to fucking pay your rent and drive a rental car off this gig. This is money for you to drink and get a blast. Pick up chicks.

This is what this gig is for. So Wednesday night is presented by whatever your fucking name is. And next thing you know on Wednesdays, comics are coming to your bar. They're trying to stand up. And you're getting on stage every week, which is the fucking most important thing. And before you know what, you have two people,

then you have six, then you have 16, then you have 34, and now you have 44, 45 people every fucking week. you're in business you follow me that's how you get into comedy and listen if it wasn't for Felipe and fucking Willie and Rudy even Rudy with the

Brave Bull come on I did that gig every fucking weekend for a year for the small 25 but it didn't matter and it wasn't a way he could open up for a band yeah because the small 25 got you a hundred a month if you did 10 of those things

you paid rent you did a couple of people be clean right yeah you had to be clean I ain't got to be fucking Fuck that shit. Be clean. So that's how you become a comic. Let me give some shout-outs here, my brother. Shout-outs.

All right. So Aaron Granger, my man, Joe T. Comedy. Comedy Papa Dak. One-on-one podcast, my buddy Mikey Stein. Chin from Taiwan, you little fucking cuck. I love you. Chin's the best. Chin's the best.

Pepperoni Playboy. And my fucking Pedro. Jeffrey Collins, the man of fucking steel. always there for us one way or another. Tell the people I don't know how this special came. Don't put the glasses on because you're upset me. Tell me you're a young guy. You don't need glasses.

The special, actually, the special of DIY. I did it myself. I saved up some money the last couple of years. And my wife, Lisa Sparza, we worked together on it with the production part of it. So we produced it ourselves. We hired Claude Shires and he's a comedian. He has a comedian.

on Unreal Media. He edited my first special for Scott Montoya, the Showtime Special, and we got him to direct the special. And everything we did it ourselves, like I was even, like when the show ends, you'll see the credits. It says craft service, Felipe Sparza. I was getting sandwiches and feeding the crew all day before my show. And we did it at the San Jose Improv, you know. We did it to San Jose Improb. and my AJ and Chris Smith from ICM he shot it around and HBO were like they fell in love with the production of the show like everything was right the background and they normally don't buy special they produce their own specials they don't buy specials from unknowns you know

I am unknown you know they buy specials from you know the top comedians so I was very surprised when they said they wanted to buy it and They didn't want to change anything of it You know And they wanted to be at HBO's behind it 100% And they got me a bunch of press

And it'll be on September 30 Produced by Lisa Sparza Philippe Sparza So she's not managing no more She's a producer She's a producer You tell your mom Yeah I told my mom about it

You know She's happy My mom got to see the special When I was in I had a show in New York at the at Carolines I was there for a week

and I went through with my friend Chris Thorin and Rodrigo Torres Silent Bob and I invited my mom and she flew out you took your mom she flew out bro

we went to go see the Cooney Island we were on the same train and she got to go to every single show and she sat in the back and came into evaluation after every show

a lot of jokes about her and she approved it so she said A punta mentira, cabro. But what's a mentilas? You know, she thinks it an exaggeration. But, you know, in her runaway, she's proud.

She's happy, bro. That's awesome. How long it take you to work for the material? Oh, man. It takes me, like, two years? For the one hour. Three years, actually, to get it right. It took me two years to actually write it, you know,

to where I know what jokes I'm going to say, but it took me, like, another year to actually, like, get comfortable. because when I do like my material, I like to get comfortable with my material where like I don't want to lean on a closer, like, oh man, I didn't get to do my closer. So once I know that my ending is sharp and it's closing hard,

I'd like to begin with those jokes, you know, to challenge myself. In fact, keep the consistency of laughter. So I got to challenge myself. Sometimes, you know, I have a bad set in 45 minutes, you know, the crowd didn't notice that the shitty said, but I know it in my mind. Mine's a bad set.

Oh yeah, we've discussed this on the show before. Yeah, man, so I got to... You guys... I can. I'm dying inside, bro. I know the shit's not working. I feel like I'm selling out. It's very interesting that I pulled into town

January of 97, and you're one of the first cats I met. At the laugh factory. At the laugh factory. But then we used to do sets on Sunday nights. There. At the improv. At the improv and for Mercedes. For John Messer.

Is he alive, rest and peace also? Also, Oh, this is a gentleman to sign of this. Also, we used to do the potluck when they put the names inside, Big Fat Chewy. I gather they used to give a right to the hospital. For the hospital. Now, let me ask you this. What was the name of the guy that used to go on stage?

He used to say he was Spanish and he played a fucking stick against the floor. That was, and he was blind? No, he wasn't blind. He'd go, oh, no, and he'd play a stick. he was one of the top Latin comics when the Revolution started I see him a lot I don't know who that is

and I forget what his name is not Larry Omaha right no we always talk mildly but we keep it light because I really don't know what his fucking name is he had a stick yeah he was going on stage of the stick

and he was a favorite of it was a whole different Latin scene I don't know what that guy is and it had a lot of problems like well I didn't that it's not um um about um

o'brien um o'briand a duo the drunk Irish guy in a blind guy oh the first convenience I met man no no

cool guys man yeah yeah yeah yeah no a lot of good comic you know like Willie Barsena like yeah yeah yeah

now what was the guy that he found love with the transgender and he moved to Texas Willard so when that Rubin Quintana nah

no he one of those guys began a born again Christian that's Rubin Rubin And I called him one time. He brought that waitress over from El Paso that was crazy. He did something crazy.

He married a woman with nine kids. That's crazy. And became born again, Christian. He became one. And I called him for a gig. But he was an animal, too, though, before. I loved him. Yeah.

He was cool, bro. We were tight. We were tight. We were tight. He was one of the comedians that I thought was so fucking hilarious. I can't believe you brought him up. I loved him. He was the first guy made the natural fudge.

Heirman on Byron Keith. He was very cool. And I remember he moved. I left the message for a gig, and he called me back, and he goes, how dare you curse on my answer machine. I'm a Christian now. You insulted my wife. You insulted my family.

My kids are scared. I go, I'm so sorry, Doug. And I never spoke to him. Man, never called me again. And I love that dude. We had wild conversations. I cannot believe you brought him. Because you did.

Let me tell you some people. It's cold-blooded as you think comedy. years and whatever, you make certain bonds with certain comics. And my bond with Felipe is, you know, we're done until they bury us. You know what I'm saying? And I know when they bury him, it's going to take a piece out of me. And when they bury me, it's going to take a piece out of him because we were here 20 years ago.

We went through this together. We did the same gigs. If I got a gig, he got a gig. If he got a gig, I got a gig. That's just the way it did. Joey Medina. There was a bunch of us than when you've seen them.

I was just talking to my wife about that, you know, because, you know, I did we all in Houston and we were talking on a phone. And I said, you know what? You know,

somehow someone always took care of me, you know, or I took care of somebody. And I remember, like, it was New Year's Eve and I had nothing to do, bro. And you canceled on, on that black dude in Fresno

with a bicycle casino, the 21 casino, whatever it was, it was, that guy that was a race, radio station guy in Fresno. Oh, shim. Bankroft, whatever his name was. That guy.

And then you call me up Felipe, man. What are you doing tonight? Nothing, man. I can't make it to a gig in fucking Fresno for. Andrew McConaughey, whatever that guy was, man. Good dude. Good dude, man. Good dude. He was from the radio station.

He's still there in the morning in the radio station. He's still booking a time. He did like a deaf chairman and got a nice radio job. He's a good job. Andrew. Andrew Covington. And Drake. Shut out.

This guy, another guy, you know, and he, you couldn't do the gig, and I guess he trusted me enough to headline it. And, man, I went there and I drove there with my ex at the time. And, man, I never forget that, man. Like, I had no money. And, like, you just threw me 400 right there out of nowhere, Playboy. When you live for the day. And I still gave you money when I came back. Oh, you came looking for me for something.

It's so weird. you thank you by the way man I love you for that man guys you I was like I had nothing you could walk around and I could go

fuck Lysayette if somebody calls me for a podcast job I'm not going to give it to Lysayette why wouldn't you do something right that you take care of your friends

and guess what someday when you're fucking busted and nobody else believes in your fucking Lisa is going to be a fucking CEO of a marketing

podcast things and I got an idea for old fat fucking comics and I'm gonna be you know at least I could squeeze a nickel out of it once a week or something like that that's how life works itself out I got very lucky I did a movie called The Longish Yard

and I became friends of a lot of people from that movie and I kept in touch with him and I kept in touch on Nick Tatura when they Nick the tour calls me and he goes I'm looking for a Mexican dude really funny they're telling me I need to talk to this guy and this guy and this guy

can you get them for me and I go no no no no no I can get them for you but I read this script the guy you're looking for is Felipe Sparser who Felipe Sparser how come I don't know I don't want to see somebody I don't know listen it doesn't matter what you know and what you don't know

I'm telling you that I wouldn't send them to you if he wasn't the guy so I said this is the deal I'm gonna send them to you you're gonna let him read with you if you don't like them then we'll get you the other guys, but this is the guy. How do you know? Because I'm telling you, I fucking know.

Listen, Felipe, you weren't outside the room and he was calling me. He was so happy. That's the guy. How did you know? That's the guy. Joey, he reminds me of my brother. Yes. Joey, he reminds me my fucking brother. That's the guy.

That's the guy, Joe. He was so happy. And you know what? It was a movie role. Who the fuck is you? A movie role. The deported. People work all their lives, ladies and gentlemen, to get a movie role. You don't know what it's like for somebody just to call you and go, hey, listen, go down there 4 o'clock to talk with this guy. And it paid well.

Yeah, listen, we had a blast doing it. I had to put a mustache on. He told me to grow a mustache. Oh, my God. But he fucking shoved that. You fucking shaved it off. He told me to grow a mustache and I shaved it off for a party or something. And then they had a glue of fake mustache.

stash on it was just ridiculous they could have to break into his house they had a break in the par of jesus house he was eating yum yum he was eating something they couldn't wake him up could not wake him up this movie was a five did like three or four days

and then we had to wait four hours for potty at there so we just moor weed the biggest it was fucking raining all day the director had the worst comb over oh my god you ever saw in your life ladies and gentlemen I'm talking about something that you had a stare at for 30 seconds. He was David Crockett. Come on.

Oh, my God. And you'd scratch your head going to mirror and go, Lord, no matter what happens. I don't give a fuck if you make my head look like Vinny Warheads. Don't do that to my fucking hairdo. Guys, he was working at him. Remember when Lysa A hat wore a button and he couldn't finish this shirt? Lisa had wore a shirt one time. And this button over here was broken, Doug.

it was holding on for dear life. I mean, that thing was on the cliff of death. You could see him. It was just like that. It held together. It was a good button. Do you know how many fucking people, Felipe, have called me and said,

hey, what are you doing tomorrow? And I'm like, I don't know why. My buddy has a role in the movie. It just dropped out. It pays $800. He's playing gangster. Come on. What do we got to do?

There's got to be a by the way. You're like, where's it shoot? Santa Monica, 4 o'clock tomorrow night. You'll be out of there by 11.30s. I guarantee. They got a break for lunch. You have one scene. You know, shit like that.

Lee, that fucking happens. Yes, man. That happens, ladies and gentlemen. I never want you guys. Listen, nobody's going to come up to you when you're walking on the beach. Nobody. We like your look. No, no, no.

This is after you've been here for a while. Yes. And you meet Lee when Lee, when Lee wants to be a comic as an open micah. But for some reason, you were nice to Lee. Lee made your giggle. He got your high.

And one day, Lee gets a job as a writing assistant. And guess what? Lee still comes around to watch comedy. But then guess what happens? Lee gets promoted to a fucking writer's job. And guess what Lee's going to write about?

Us. And the next thing you know, Lee's calling you going, hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I got a day of work for you. He's 850. you're going to work all day. I wrote this role about you being a garbage man

that sings with his dick out. Fine. And that's how it was. It works for years. Man, like, for years. After that movie with Joe Dia hooked me up with John with, with Nick Totoro.

I gave everybody on the set my comedy CD that Gabriel did for me for the Ice House. I just gave everybody one. And I remember the executive producer of that movie, the Filipino guy, Mani Redford That was his name Mani Redford

That was his name Mani Redford He loved the CD He goes Felipe You want to make a movie Out of this CD And I said what?

I didn't believe him right I thought he was kidding So I didn't call him for like I didn't I ignored him for like six months And then he said he was serious So We had a medium bro

And he paid me like A lot of money A lot of money at the time for me for anything he goes I'm going to get a director and he's going to rewrite your stand-up comedy into a script and we're going to make a movie

and we're going to title it I'm not like that no more so bro this guy was not fucking kidding man he paid me like seven grand top seven grand and I ended up Hollywood works I already had one of those tarot cherry tarp

what they call it for that movie was deported that was deported that was like my first movie so without SAG so for the seven with the seven thousand dollars I had to use most of it to get into SAG just to do the movie well I didn't care you know but I because of you and hooking me up with that movie and being nice to everybody in a set I got to do my own movie starring Philippa Sparza and then I got Paul Rodriguez to play my father in a movie and the whole movie is based on my

stand-up comedy like if you ever heard of my comedy with my brother the gay brother Brother. Okay, brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. LifeRath, threesome. It's all in there, man. Three-sum. Fucking Tranny.

It was amazing, bro. And that movie went nowhere. But I got to do a movie. I got paid. They had no marketing money. Hell no. That went straight to nowhere. The marketing budget was zero.

That went straight to. Zero. One day. Amazon Prime. The dream is to have enough money to buy it and then release it. And then re-re-re-do it. Re-rererelelease it. Just re-release it.

Put Charles Bronson. the whole fucking cast. Those dirty bastards. How do you feel about Saturday's show? How's you set? What do you think about that set? I think about it. You know, I did it a year ago, right?

And I was worried about the jokes might be dated, you know? But no, man, it's not dated. I try to, like, make it fun. I try to run a joke, man, like, you know, like Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor, you know, Paul Rodriguez, Dangerfield, you know,

a joke that you could just quote over and over for days, you know. But you never forget, man, like when I hear like Fraser Smith, you know, Fraser Smith killed me. You know Frasersmith, right? He goes, he got to get him on the podcast. Yeah, man. He got that one joke, man, about when fucking Jack Corborkin was still alive.

He goes, yeah, Jack Corcoran just added a waiting room in his doctor's office. Yeah, the nurse comes out and tells you, hey, the doctor will kill you right now. Come this way. I think that Joe killed you That Frithers Smith said about Yeah Just found out that the doctor said And the news were saying

That Spanish is really bad for people So now is a good day to fucking beat the shit A Popeye Oh Jesus Christ Yeah buddy No more Fras Smith jokes on the show All right, man I'm no Frater Smith

Justice and shit poor Frank Hey there buddy I heard that these are going great for you Listen, let me tell you something, man. When I saw your thing playing on HBO, my heart stopped, Philippe. I'm going to tell you something. I wanted you on the show. I called you, and I said, what night do you want to go on?

Because I had to get young to tell you how proud I am. I want the church people who listen to this show and understand. I know in the beginning we got a little druggie. Yeah, man. That's true explained to you the debts. of where we were and how strong the dream was and guess what

this is all I wanted to be at the comedian man I don't care I party hard but in the morning I show up sleeping to your shows I'll sleep in the green room but hey I'm gonna do the show I need to get paid I need to go up no matter what

One of the most classic stories ever that we could tell on here was that you know Philippine went to Houston had a phenomenal week you know when he went down there he ran into the obstacles but I used to run into it

everywhere and the people are fucking sweethearts and you're doing a couple bumps here next you know you're the bar here next you know you're with that southern guy and then six in the morning and he's taking you all over doing bumps like the Mexican restauranti

they're having fucking beer out of a coffee cup and one of the nights Felipe one of the legendary stories that Felipe got the hotel room the tranny the whole fucking deal lights the curtain on fire you know just just classic Felipe.

Monday, he goes all fucking day. And Monday night, he shows up at this most famous open mic unconsciously destroys the fucking room. I killed, man. Like, just destroys the room that if there was Facebook, they would have rumbled

all over the country type of destroy. I don't know what I said, but it was funny, man. Oh, you went off. I had 20,000 calls the next day. People were like, are you Even Pete, who he mad at you. Yeah, he was mad, yeah. Lighting the hotel room on fire.

Said that was one of the most amazing fucking things I ever saw. And what made it more amazing is that you had been up for fucking 30-something fucking thousand hours. I've been up since Friday, man. Jesus Christ. Friday, two in the morning, man, I've been partying. Like a soldier. We're here, Felipe. I'm happy to be alive, man.

No. Oh, forget about being a lot. You know what was cool about that night on Monday? That comedian, man, the one that was touring was Cher. He was really cool with me that night. Like, he really, like, I remember. One thing I remember was that he was a merry comedian, and he said that you can spend a night in my house if you need a place to stay.

And then he stood with me. But I was, like, too fucked up to and ignored him. But he was real cool. It was Tommy. Tommy, Tommy John. Something like that. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It was Slade's friend. Tommy. He toured with Cher. Listen, bro, that was. a great comedy scene. Tommy John. I'm very proud that I got to

be, go through that scene. At that time, I used to go to Boston, which it was the hardest market together. Oh, my God. And I wouldn't work the top club. I remember we did K Locos, and you left. I would work Grill 93 and go to Boston and then shoot

down to the big one, Fanio Hall. And I would do all those rooms, you know. I was very fortunate, man, but I had Jesus Christ. I'm Milwaukee I went all over this fucking country

But you had nothing holding you back I had nothing holding me back I knew I couldn't see my kids You know, I was in the same fucking listen I was in the same I was like, I couldn't see my kids

You know, I know I had Charles Depport hanging behind me You know, I was like You had to make cash Bro, I got to make cash Cash in my cash I remember man Like this guy paying me a check

I said listen man What's when you're going to get up in the morning Because we're going to go Caste his shit When a bank opens You go what do you mean? No,

we're going to the bank. You're going to walk in with me and we're going to cast this check because I'm going to open no fucking account. I need to fucking cash. Remember the Malachi tried to give you a check in Santa Maria? I will shove you up

the other brother's ass if I don't get a fucking cash. I was pissed. They're nice guys. I talk to you all the time on the phone. He's a fucking gentleman. I need a cash, bro. No, we all lived off a cash. And I'm working at Dodger Stadium at the time.

They'd give you a fucking check. Oh, man. My blood would boil in those days. If I already called you Lee and said, Lee, I got a gig in eighth. Worst case scenario, I'll be out of there at 10.30. I'll be by your house 1115. Make sure you're there with that fucking coke. If I already told you that and I went down to Felipe's and he gave me a check,

my blood would fucking boil because that would slow me down completely. That means I have to go to fucking Hollywood and Wilcox, park the car, walk all the way around, get a ticket, try to cast a check get the ticket validated go back are you fucking crazy 1130 man you're ready to snort that coke

and I'm parking driving on Hollywood Boulevard on Wilcox getting caught in fucking traffic on a Saturday night my blood would bore me too man up until 2010 if you booked me at a show you had to be there at the hotel room and you have to put your own fucking name

and you have to put your own credit card I had none of that shit. I had no debit card. I couldn't put a deposit on no hotel. So every time I did a show, the promoter had to check me into the hotel because I had no credit card. I had no debit.

Me neither. So the hotel was always on the promoter's name. For years, I checked at the hotel with Joe Rogan and he would put his card down for me. Me too, man. And he would go, if you're fucking charged porn on here, I'll kill you. And then he would go,

I don't look at the account. so don't worry about it, but I would never charge anything. But that's, I was in the same boat as you, dog. I didn't have an ATM card for years. And if I did, it was always minus. It didn't matter. Then I got an ATM card and I kept it afloat. That always had like 31, 20 in it, 2850.

You know what I'm saying? Like those numbers. Like I always had less than $40 and more than $20. You know what I'm saying? I had a check cashing card. From where? From, I don't know. of Knicks or one of the major ones

and I used to catch my checks. No, I had one too. I remember struggling. I'm still on file. I'm going to, yeah. I will go to the one. Please. I will catch my check at the one right there in South Central, the one, the last one they have before the airport. And I'll try to catch my check

to just to have enough money to go to my next gig and eat. Actually, I went one time I had to catch my check at one of those check catching plays with Lisa, my wife. And I soon as I catch my check, I just handed her the money right there. So she could go run and buy, get a fucking, um, pay the rent, man.

I was paying, I was giving her the check right before I was flying out to pay the rent. But luckily, we don't have to worry about that right now. Listen, man, you should be very proud of you. Very bang up, man, you know? The other day I was at the Dodge game with my daughter and a bunch of kids. And I thought about you and I thought about, I thought about, I just, saw the guys selling hot dogs and selling ice cream. And I

thought about, you know, I showed you what seats I were in. They were all the way in the top with their $15 seats. And they were enjoyable, but you really can't see the fucking field when you're an old man like me. They didn't even see the ball. And they got no fucking teleprompter that. No. They got no. You can't

see. You're fucked the Dodger Stadium, Jack. Yeah, you're looking down at the game. Yeah, you're only looking at the fucking teleprompter for instant replay. Besides that, there's no teleprompter. So I saw these guys delivering sodas and hot dogs with ice cream. And I said fucking Felipe was doing this 30 years ago as a kid.

I was selling souvenirs, bro. Super fucking... Souvineers! Get your programs, Penance, Dodger Cowala. And I go right now, after his special on HBO, he's going to be one of the biggest comics in the world. It started right here.

Who knows? He knows. where this was comedy first developed. It was like me going to prison. That's where you developed the toughness to talk and yell onto a crowd and, you know. But listen, man, I want the church family to, if you don't have HBO, how do you go to HBO to go?

Anybody in the phone? Yeah, you can do it on any mobile device. You could do it on TVs. And you can do it without a TV provider. It's like $20 for a mother. I think you can do like even a shorter period of time. Listen, you know what? It's time you start watching the Duce.

And it's worth it. Anyway, so you might as well watch Felipe Special, sign up and watch the Duce, and you got fucking Bill Maher, and you got a bunch of other shit on HBO. That's fucking tremendous. Don't believe the hype, bro. HBO's still fucking good.

I watch HBO a lot. I got that HBO packet to five fucking things. I watch HBO fucking a lot, a lot more than I watch anything out. I watch Silicon Valley, Insecure. Yeah. My wife watches insecurity. you. Come on, get it together. HBO still fucking throw and eat, all right?

Saturday night, 10 o'clock, check your local fucking listings. This is my brother I'm talking to you about. We talked about our history, so you motherfuckers know this is real. This is two guys who came up together, addictions, you know, we

could be until two in the morning, just depressing you. I don't want you to think about getting depressed. I want you to think about your possibilities that we were in the hole we were in. Yeah, man, you could do whatever you want. And listen, I'm not where he's at. This is HBO. This is gold.

But this guy here, this guy is the guy you should be watching. Do me that favor. Felipe Sparser, number two. Do not forget Pittsburgh Improv. Saturday, late night, is sold out already. You got four shows. Don't fuck around. Don't call me going, Joey.

There's no time of that. I told you fucking Wednesday on the podcast. And I told you fucking Monday with Jim Norton. Don't fuck with me. All right. Listen, number two, for all your supplements, the holidays are coming. In the new year, you're going to make resolutions, what, not by the bada boom, bada, boom.

I don't want to hear it. You're having problems lately. You're getting a little older. You think alpha brain. Give it a shot. If you don't like it, you don't even have to return it to give you 100% money back guarantee. You like the alpha brain. You're thinking about lifting, boom.

Hemphor's protein. Beautiful, digest, an easy, nice. The best chocolate you've ever tasted, two scoops with water, a couple ice cream. cubes, you're fucking brand new. Maybe a banana or something like that to carve up. You don't have no fucking idea how you're living. You understand me? The strong bone, the fucking shroom tech sport,

and the shroom tech immune, if you're a fucking traveler or something. Hey, I travel, Jack. You know, you don't hear me coming in here off fucked up every fucking week. That's because I take care of myself. And I fucking take the shroom tech immune. So just in case I got fucking weird people around me, I don't catch them a luked day guy. You understand me?

Who knows where they've been, Sukalamink somewhere or doing dirty shit? My point is go to honor dot com right now. Go to honor right now. Take a look at the great supplements they have. From the fucking turkey meat, beef sticks, it's on. It's on.

Go to honor. Take a look at what they got. If you like something, go to the box and press in. Church. Boom. C-H-U-C-H. Get 10% off delivered to your motherfucking house, okay?

And don't forget it's football season. Go to my bookie AG. They'll match whatever the fuck you throw in there. Okay? Who's better than them? What's the code for them? I believe it's church. Boom, there you go.

And that's how we're rolling. And we love you, motherfuckers. Have a great fucking weekend. And we'll talk to your motherfuckers next Monday. Do not forget my brother, Felipe Sparza, H.B. F.B. F.C.O. Saturday. I need for your people to fucking join on, Friday. Yeah, man. And then do what

fucking black people do with a suit after a wedding. They bring it back on Monday and say it didn't fit. Say you don't like it. I don't know. No, be a decent American. Join HBO. Get them for the holidays. What do you got? I got my dates for October. Can I mention them? Absolutely, bro. I'm going to be at Zanis in Nashville. Oh, shit.

Next week. They got weed over there? Yeah, I got weed everywhere, bro. All right. And then the following the same week, I'm also doing Huntsville, Alabama. That's a good one. And then... Zanies on Wednesday and Huntville Thursday, Friday, Saturday. You're beautiful. So if everything goes right, I'm going to be at the Edmonton, Alberta, Canada the following week at the, I think it's called the punchline in Edmonton.

Beautiful. In Canada. You're Canadian motherfuckers. Check it out. I'm bringing around Dr. Tosorra. So watch out. We might do a Canadian podcast over there.

And I'm doing the Humphreys by the Bay in San Diego, California. This is all in October. And the following day, I'm doing Reno, the Silver Legacy Casino. Get all the information on Felipe's world.com. Also, I'm glad to mention that I'm going to release my album, The Comedy Special on a vinyl. You know, I think, you know, the fans is in the vinyl? Yeah, it'll be on vinyl.

Beautiful. It'll be released on November 30. It'll be a double album, double record album, because it's under one hour, so we got to split it up in 15 minutes each side. So it's going to be a collector's item. You know, it also come with a little, one of the little things when you get the comedy out of what the call? A little chip or whatever.

Oh, a USB? A USB. Yes, it'll be a collector's item album, November 30, and then right after the following day after the special airs, it'll be on everywhere. HBO, HBO Go, HBO Latino, and maybe you could order it on Amazon, I don't know. There you go, cuckers, all in one fucking thing, all right?

I'll see you motherfuckers in Pittsburgh or next week. Thank you very much for having a podcast. Always, brother. Church of What Happening for supporting me Even when I'm not a podcast And asking me When are you going to be in a podcast?

That's right So I'm only on And also anybody Who out there From the Church of the World Happening Family And the other one The other one that Red Band has

His people They've got my back too, man You got it, brother I love to know. Yeah man Death Squad, Nashville Desquad, Montreal You know what so, my brother?

Stay Blackcocked, Suckers. Have a great weekend Hit it, Lee. Thank you very much. A little heckle-le-a-vo off. Whatever the fuck it is. This is a tremendous song.

Calillo, another fucking jam. A bit turn to Halevo. That's it for that. Aalika. I'm going to have I'm I'm going to inform me that I can't

cast a man and that's that's to think to all those who are God, help me

I'm I'm I'm I'm forgetting