The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #522 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 5, 2017

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio and Joey tells Lee about the close relationship he had with his friend's grandmother and why she meant so much to him. Joey also tells us a story about his friend and boss in prison, Chicken Hawk. This podcast is brought to you by:  Meundies.com - Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and free shipping.   My Bookie - Join now and MYBookie will match your deposit with up to a 100% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 10/04/2017.

Greetings podcast Village. Uncle Joey here. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by. You ready? Mybooky.ag. Let me talk to you about something. It's football season, guys. It's baseball playoff time.

World Series will be in two weeks. All these guys are walking around, scratching your head, looking to pick a winner. But let me tell you something. Where you're betting is is just as important as who you're betting on. You got a winner? That's why I always tell people. If you got a winner, go to mybooky.ag.

Mybooky.ag has been up in business for years, and their rep is rock solid. Solid. Like the rock of Gibraltar, they do 100% cash bonuses, so off the bat, you're making money doing nothing. Here's what I'm going to do for you, right? Join today, and my bookie will match your deposit with up to $100, 100% bonus of your first deposit, up to $1,000. Joey, what did you just say? $1,000.

Okay? They'll match your deposit with up to 100% bonus of your first deposit. So use promo code church to activate the offer. Go to my bookie AG today and use promo code church. You play, you win, you get paid, bitches. Number two, you want to look good in your underwear and be comfortable, right? But the perfect balance is hard to find. Don't sacrifice style or comfort.

Check out meundies.com right now and find the best pair underwear in the world. Comfortable, light. I mean, listen, I've been using my, the first ones I got with the sabotaged ones, whatever, the fucking camouflage ones with my fat ass and my ball sack and shit. First off, the first neck goes with my underwear as they start ripping. No, no, no, not with me and these.

You know why? Tough. Go to meandies. right now. This is what I'm going to do for you, right? I'm going to get you 20% off, free shipping, and their 100% satisfaction guarantee, and get the best and softest underwear you'll ever own. Go to meondies.com slash joey. Again, that's meondies.com slash joey.

Again, there's a limited time offer, so don't wait for dick. Go to meundees.com right now. Kick this motherfucking mulee. Oh shit. Wednesday. The fourth. Churchill, what's happened now? Old school.

The Christ Killer and Uncle Joey, cocksuckers. Are you fucking kidding me? Kick that mulee. Oh shit. Oh shit. Are you fucking kidding me? Or what?

A little old school Cinderella for you motherfuckers. It's Wednesday, October 4th. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. One of my best friends in life called me today. and informed me that his grandma died. And to be honest with you guys, she's the closest thing I've ever had it to a grandma. So when I woke up this morning, I saw the miss call. And you know when you look at a miss call, and you look at what time it came in,

and you know it's not good. Because you know what time people usually call me. He calls me at 839. But for him to call me at 615, I knew it was her. And I remember I did a bunch of, I knew she was dead. They put her in an old folks home about three months ago. and they uh you know she was just she's 90 something you know and she was kind of crazy and shit and that's what i loved about her but uh yeah my condolence sister's family and i and i felt like

shit all day because you know i love you guys but i shouldn't be here doing a podcast with you i should be in new york with george at his house and it's funny because somebody gave me a bottle of that ass water that fucking what's that champagne that all these fucking gentiles oh uh I'm pairing fucking dick. Have you ever drank that shit? It tastes like dick. It tastes like dick. I like cheap champagne, the apple juice, and it, whatever the fuck.

You know, this is the worst thing in the world. But they took me in. I knew George since my sophomore going into, I knew George before my mother died. And he was from Cliffside Park, and I was from North Bergen, and we kept in touch on the phone. And then he started dating a girl. I knew in North Bergen. and he would give her a little stabbing from time to time. And I would communicate to him through her.

And then I lost contact with him for like a year or two. And then we reconnected in 84. I got arrested in Bergen County. He bailed me out. And he told me I could stay with his parents or his mom and his grandma. They lived on Inwood Terrace where Jim Norton and Jimmy Florentine. Oh, wow. He used to live.

And I stayed with them for six months the first time. and it was, it slowed me down a little bit. They never made me feel bad about living there. You know, I always worked. I always fixed my bed in the morning. I gave them money. I gave grandma money for bingo. That was my deal to give her 40 bucks for bingo.

Once a week plus rent. She'd cook for me, you know, it was a great relationship. They took care of me like one of their own. There's something special about grandmas. No, no, she was always tight and just her sense of humor. She hated fucking Cuba. She said Cuba was a fucking death trap. that it was a sin, the reason why the country was a piece of shit now,

because they had a good time there for a long time, but that was the borderline for the slaves. So they put a fucking voodoo on the country. Did that offend you at all? No, I don't give a fuck when people talk. She's my grand one, why do I give a fuck, you know? And then I left in 85. I always kept in touch with him.

As a matter of fact, George came out to Colorado in 87, lived with me until I got arrested for the kidnapping. He stayed with me for a little while, came out for the court case for me to get sentenced. 91 when I got divorced and I was down and out. I went back and stayed with him. He was junked up. And grandma, as bad as I was feeling in those days,

that was the first time I was away from my daughter, and that was the first time I had been away from Boulder. And I'll tell you, being in North Bergen was great and doing comedy for the first couple. That was my second year of comedy when I moved back with George in Jersey. I drove a limo, and I went back to New York, and I did comedy. I would go to do comedy at night for fucking three minutes just to get abused.

I mean, I was just getting abused, guys. So right now, if you're fucking getting abused, you're doing comedy, or you're starting law school, or you're doing anything, and you just started and you feel like you're getting abused. Think of me when you're getting abused. I got, it was an abusing. Guys, it was abuse. You know, that's why whenever I see comics and they're young,

I try to give them a hug or sympathy. guys because I know what the fuck they're going through but with all that going on and the abuse from my ex-wife and not talking to my child and all this shit grandma was who kept me together and I'm not saying she wasn't it wasn't amazing but she probably it wasn't probably anything too big right it was like maybe a sandwich little thing she talked to me at night I had one shirt I was snorting so much coke in those days I had one fucking white college shirt So I would take it off, wash it every night, and she would iron it for me, and I'd wear it the next morning. That fucking shirt was gray.

You couldn't bleach it anymore. It was so fucking old. Did you have to ask her to iron it? Or I'm sure she just did it. She just did it. And I'd just give her money for bingo and stuff, you know. But before all that happened, like April of 85, I was living with him. And I was working for this fucking dude.

Like, I had no jobs. I had nothing going on. and I was just picking up day labor. Is that what you call it? Day labor? Yeah. So I was working for this guy. His name was John.

He was a real fucking prick. He abused me, too. This is 84. This was before comedy. I'm taking your back like eight years. This guy was a fucking scumbag. So he would tell me to meet him at seven at the diner. Okay.

I would go up there, I would eat, and then he wouldn't pay for breakfast. And then he would sit there to 8.39, and then he would only pay me from me. nine o'clock on he wouldn't pay me for windshield time you know if we clocked out at three he would pay me to three even if it took two hours to get home the guy was just a scumb bag and i needed the fucking work like i needed the fucking work and it wasn't bad it was four days a week i helped him carry wood but something small like the way yeah little things yeah a little difference he would he would not give me a check he would say he forgot it on friday i'm was tapped out i had to pay rent you know i had to

I paid grandma money for fucking bingo. And this fucking guy would tell me he had no check on him and shit. He was a real piece of shit. So I knew where he lived. And one Friday, one Thursday night, this fucking douchebag tells me he's going away for the weekend.

And that was the weekend. He ran away without paying me. So I went to, listen, he gave you t-shirts to wear on his jobs. If he didn't wear the t-shirts, he'd fine you $10. If your t-shirt wasn't washed,

like just dumb shit. He was just a skis-old. scumbag. So I said, fuck this motherfucker. How long did it make you to take you to make that decision to rob him? Like, he tells you he's going to be gone for the weekend. I didn't say I robbed him. You know me. You know me. I apologize. That's why I love you. That's why I love you. But I just imagine

like you saying like he's going to be gone for the weekend. No, no, no. When I went to meet him that morning, he said I'll meet you Thursday morning at the fucking diner. So I had to get like a cab to drive me to this fucking diner and then he's not there. I eat breakfast at my last 20. Now I got to walk halfway fucking home because I don't have to haul the money

and then call a cab. I got to walk like six miles and call a cab. Oh no. So now I'm fucking furious. I got no dough, no prospects. I go, you know what I'm doing tomorrow? I'm getting up and I'm going over to his fucking house. And I went over to his fucking house.

Now, I had never drank Don Perignon. I knew about Don Perignon because one time my buddies robbed a truck. Like they had like a fucking... Delivery truck? I don't know what they rubbed. They rub something.

And they gave me like three bottles. And I gave them away. I didn't know. I sold two of them to a liquor store. The ones they give you in a box, right? They're in a box. Yeah, I think so. So, yeah, it was in a box.

How do you sell it to the liquor store? Listen, I got two of these. What do you sell them for? 129? I'll give it to you for 60. I got two of them here. Give me $130 for the whole. What you just said 60?

I'm sorry. Give me 65. And ain't that, bro, people buy anything. You walk into the inner liquor store with a case that's close. And they open it in front of you and you tell them, I'll give you an old sale on this. I'll give you 50% off. Watch them get the cash out of the back. Because that's what people do.

That's a case of booze they sell that they buy the bottle less than wholesale. They buy if I have... You have to find someone where the owner is running the cash register. It's 2017. They're all fucking kinky fucks. You have to assume that going in. That's how when you deliver the speech to them, you have to assume like they're on the other side. They know what fucking dime is going in.

Okay. So you have this. the Dompanyan. So I know, no, I go to the guy's house. Right. I can't get in there. I got to be creative, so I just bust through a fucking window like a superhero. I go in, I climb in there.

I got all the time in the world. He even took the dog with him, that dumb fuck. Oh. I got all the time in the world. And I just went through his fucking house. I think I'd made eggs. You know, when I would burglarize you, and I knew you weren't coming back, I'd always make some type of sandwich.

I always hear that on the news. Pea in your toilet or something. Now you can't do that because they'll get your DNA. from the P. So fucking, I found a couple yard sticks, a couple hundred dollars.

I found a little weed and he had like those anniversary things when people give you for the anniversaries. He had like a bunch of bottles of Dom Perignon. I thought that would bother him

more in the cash. I took every bottle of Dom that motherfucker had. He had like 13 bottles of big Dom of the box. I took them to one guy I knew. I dumped every fucking bottle and kept one for me.

Just a little. to see what all the bullshit was about. And me, Grandma, and George drank that carafe. It wasn't even a regular bottle. It was a caraf rap. Oh, my God. So they were even more expensive. They're like two-something. Back then. Back then, they were even more expensive.

They were like the $200 bottle. So me, George, and Grandma got in that living room and we drank the whole motherfucking bottle of Don Perignon. Could Grandma out-out drink you guys? Nah, she was having a great time. We put our music. Just me, her and

We danced. And then about 10 o'clock, well, this is all unplanned. I took the money I robbed, and I took George, grandma, and me, to picolissimo for lobster fucking fraud Diablo.

And it was just magnet. Listen, she would still bring that night up in 1993. Now she wouldn't bring it up because she didn't remember it. But she always told me that was one of the best nights I have had. She got home from bingo.

We got a tip. see his shit and then we took her for lobster at the fucking picolice in mo and fortly new jersey are you kidding me so that's all i kept thinking about today that memory that night i i saw it vividly about us dancing in the living room and us giggling and i would go outside and smoke pot and i would come in and she'd go look at you ick-eek because that's what she would call marijuana eke-eke she'd always go you outside eat-eek so well like how did you explain to her about the champagne and the dinner A friend gave it to me And I worked for the money

She doesn't explain nothing The least you say The fucking better it is in your life And I gotta tell you something people You guys come up to me after shows Some people give me hugs And there's some people look me in the eye And go hey

Thank you for helping me Guess what guys We're even By you guys just let me tell this story I got happy like this is what I was waiting for all day this fucking podcast tonight because I had so much

the last couple days have just been for everybody the last two months have really been an emotional toll for everybody if you have any empathy at all in your fucking body

you know what was first Houston yeah then Florida you know fucking Cuba for two weeks I couldn't get a hold of my sister

you know it's just been a fucking nightman and Lindsay got the cancer than fucking, you know. It's happening so often now that we forget about them. You forget about them. Like, someone brought it up the other day, like when the hurricanes were happening. Does Flint really still not have water?

Does Flint really still not have water? They don't give a fuck. That's so good. Listen, Monday morning, when I looked at that Las Vegas thing, I go Puerto Rico's fucked. Because this is going to trump Puerto Rico. This is bigger than Puerto Rico, 50-something people dying. And I don't know how many people get. getting injured. This is bigger in Puerto Rico, so there you go. The laser, what do they call it? The eye isn't over Puerto Rico no more. Right. It's just not. It's over Las Vegas. I mean, it's Wednesday night. If you turn on CNN, they're still in Las Vegas. I mean, there's going to be a huge fight there this weekend. Yeah. By tomorrow, everybody starts to fly in. Friday, they really fly in and fucking... I don't know what the Mandalay Bay is going to do. Like, they might have to close off that entire floor. I would bet.

I wouldn't even want to stay at the Mandalay Bay right now at this point. I love that hotel. Listen, I love that hotel, but the last couple times I've stayed there, it hasn't been too kosher. Really? Hasn't been too kosher. That's what they used to have the fights, right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it hasn't been too kosher. Especially if you go down after midnight. That's always when I'm down. Especially if you go down after one or two. It's a little on the scary side down there. You can see that there's a lot of people looking the fucking, And, you know, I bore you, looking to get somebody.

It's a scary situation. I've been in those places, and it's scary. You were talking about, before, about paying attention. And not, like, the thing that scares me the most now is just the cars. As terrible as it sounds, like, obviously guns terrible. But, like, it happened in Edmonton, like, the night before Vegas. A guy took a U-Haul. Guys, I got to explain something.

So I don't want to walk down Vegas straight. I love you very much. If you listen to this show and if you don't listen to this show, we know anything about me. I'm not fucked up, dude, but I got a lot of heart, man. And one thing about me is all those years as a young kid in Union City, my mother had that bar. So I was the unofficial lookout.

Do you know what that meant? That meant that whenever I went to the movies and to walk back, already I knew when I got three blocks of my mother's bar to start looking around for suspicious cars. Okay? A guy sitting in a car by himself, a guy in an unmarked carp car, you know, two cop cars together, three cop cars together, having coffee, that means something's about to go down. Okay. And when your mom asked you when you got back?

No, I would say it to him. Oh, okay. Something's going on up the corner. There's a cop car up there, you know what I'm saying? Just so they had their heads up. You know, when I was a kid, I'm trying to write this thing to sell, a TV show, to sell about how my mom came from Cuba. and then she fucking, you know, met a Puerto Rican girl,

and they got into bookmaking together, and then my mom went back, but she was out doing, since there was two girls taking numbers, they were out doing the big bookie guy in their neighborhood. So the guy who was taking their action gave my mother and the Puerto Rican girl a spot. Their own spot.

So that's how my mom got into numbers. Then she met my dad, and fucking my dad financed her own bank. and her going another guy started a bank, and my mother never stopped with the numbers instead. The beautiful part of this is that when I was born and all that, I was born into that. So sometimes on Saturdays, my mom would go,

we've got to go up to the Bronx to the bank. And I didn't like it at first, but then every time I went, I would get 40 or 50 bucks. When you're five and six, and somebody gives you 40 fucking bucks, and a dollar is $3, that's a lot of money. And did they treat you as a child?

Did you know what it was that you were going to? Oh, I knew exactly what it was. When I was five, six, seven, you know, I have Julio Rodriguez calling here. He's my cousin. He's the jihitsu teacher in Linhurst. He owns Anaconda Jiu and Jiujitsu in Linhurst. His younger brother, Gillo, who's dead now, God rest his soul and me, we must have been eight, nine. And every Saturday, when I got out of Catholic school, when I got thrown out of Catholic school,

it started before I got thrown out of Catholic school. So I would go out on Friday nights, I would go to the movies on Friday, and Saturday morning, I'd have to meet those guys. I was like eight or nine, and I'd have to meet those dudes to go over the city, and me and Gillo would run.

We would go for coffee, we'd go for buns, but then after 12, me and Gillo were basically runners, or we picked up different numbers from different banks around the area within a five or six block distance. that's what we did we were runners so when you're a runner that's why they pay you to keep your fucking eyes open keep your eyes on that's it you see something that's out of place you fucking say it would they would they give you any money if you caught something no they were paying me

for the day they would give me 50 fucking dollars for the day they eat sandwiches and okay and light fire crackers and hang out on the corner with a bunch of other fucking dirty kids I was even going to talk I ask you about this tonight like I feel like now there's a big big difference between being a kid and being an adult. I think there's a, it's a very big jump. Back then, like, I can't, like, now that would be stressed. Like, I can't imagine being five or six and being a runner in New York City. Like Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson's biggest complaint was that he didn't have a childhood.

Right. There's a lot of times that I sit here, and I don't think I had a lot of childhood. It doesn't sound like it. That's why I always went to people older than me. I never hung out with kids my age. I always hung up with people older than me. When I was 10, I hung out with 13-year-olds. I was 13, I hung out with 16-year-olds.

I didn't like it because I was always used up being around older people. You know, I didn't go to any daycare. I don't remember going to a day-day care. I do remember being in kindergarten. I remember being in the first grade, second grade and all that stuff. If I wasn't at school, I was at home, and what do you think they talk about when you're home? They talk about your school and all that.

shit when they're talking amongst themselves and they're on the phone they're talking about their business which was numbers right I just I think back I think about the stories you tell and I try to think back if if like I remember certain things but I don't even know and I notice myself whenever I deal with kids now it's not it's not a fake but there's a persona you put on you're trying to be happy try to do this and that and I can't imagine like as I got older my dad would talk about he like certain things with his work or something. But as a kid,

like I think even if I had kids, I would make an effort to not let them see that stuff. Let's say I was at my mom's boss. Okay. My mom called me over for something. And she'd give me a kiss and we'd talk about something like I'd be watching Mickey Mouse or Little Rascals or any, I was a big TV guy as a kid to learn the language.

When you're talking about any of that shit, when you're watching that, my mom would come over and talk to me. And then she would give me like a lesson for the day. You know, like, hey, if anybody comes to you and tries to give you candy, tell them to go fuck themselves. You know, if somebody opens up the door and tells you to get in the car, tell him to go fuck themselves. You know, my mom was one of those people always. I was always getting a tidbit. She'd always take me outside.

He said that fucking guy is a piece of shit. Don't talk to that fucking guy, you know. There was always something with her. She was very blunt and abbego. What do you mean? Like, I would try to argue when she'd go, don't even fucking argue. He's a piece of shit. He's a piece of shit.

He's a piece of shit. He don't talk to him. He comes up to you kick him in the leg real fucking hard and run away. You know, like my mom always had a piece of tidbit. No matter what we were doing, there was always a lesson, you know. There was always a lesson somewhere for me growing up. I liked hanging out with adults. I liked that feeling.

It felt like I had something over kids when I was hanging out with them. Yeah, I felt cool. Like I would, not that I felt cool. Not you, but it like it. I always felt so insecure about my. Being an immigrant, I always felt so insecure about not being smart, you know, like whatever. Okay. So that was my hook that I knew about the world.

You know, that was my hook that I knew about the world and what was really going on. The kids I hung out with in Manhattan growing up were really nice kids like you. Now I go up to 148th Street and I met my match. these kids are raised like me because they're poor that mentality was still there where you know you just you didn't

these kids didn't go to Yankee games these kids didn't go to MEC games like me if you took one of those kids at the age of six to a MEC game they would kill for you for the rest of their lives they would kill for you because you're providing that dream that their parents can't

do you know what I'm something There was a law and order on with, I think it's Michael Imperiole. It's somebody who's popular that he plays a coach at like one of those boys' houses, you know, like the Boys Club in Manhattan. And he's telling them all that he's going to build the house up in the mountains and they're going to have shooting ranges and this and that and horses. And when you're a kid, that's a fucking, and you're in that type of, you grow up in that type of element, 140.

Like, I always talk about the Sedanios. Let's just focus on the Sedanios. Okay. I love the Sedanios. They had a brother named Ricky, and they had a brother named Nelson. But beside that, there was nine of them. And they had an older sister named... Nine kids?

Yeah. Look up, Writers of the Purple Sage. Her name was Nancy Sedaniel, Wikipedia, and see the list of background singers over the year. Nancy Sedanio was on two albums. She was a hot Puerto Rico. can check up on 148 street now when i grew up with ricky and nelson it was a band riders of the purple sage yeah new writers of the new writers of the new writers of the purple sage okay they were like a spin-off i don't know what like a like a bob dillish type shit hippie

is you know this is 1970 1969 1968 when i'm running with these kids so no you know nelson said danio ricky said danio you know i can't remember the rest of the other kids There was a Jewish kid that his parents owned something on the block like a knife store or something. Okay. He was a tough kid. There was a black kid in that neighborhood that ram with us. I don't remember his name. And there was like a blonde head Irish kid.

That was tough. And him and Nelson would fight all the time. And Nelson was the oldest out of all of us. So if I'm hanging out with these kids at six, Nelson's 10. And this other kid, this Irish kid, was about eight. It was about eight, and he would fucking, him and Nelson would beat themselves out two or three times a week. Where I lived on 88th Street, this was not. Nobody fought on that block.

Right, yeah. No, you know who fought on that block? Me. And I got beat up. But I used to fight Rudy, this Haitian kid. We called them something. What did you? Rudy the Haitian.

I forget what the fuck we called them. Rudy the Haitian, Rudy. Some of them weren't that unique. me and Rudy were good friends, but we used to fist fight from time to time. And one day he fucking, we got into a fight, and his father held me,

while Rudy punched me in the stomach and busted my lip open. Fuck, this had to be before, this was before Catholic school. Oh my God. This is what led my mother. These were all the decisions that led my mother in the third grade

to put me in Catholic school. And that was probably... The father held you? The father held my arms outside where the kid hit me. So then the father took me upstairs, told my threat, my mother, and my mother chased him with a knife. And then the cops came, and we had to move out of there about two months later.

Oh, my God. You had to move. We had to move. They didn't evict us. They didn't evict us. They just said, it's better if you guys start looking for a different place to live. Jesus Christ. But my point is, no more about neurotic and procrastination.

You can't find it. My point is that I was raised doing that in an early age. You know, like I said to you, and Timmy listens to this podcast, and he'll vouch for me. When you got in a car with Roger, if you were driving, he didn't want to hear a word out of your fucking mouth. Yeah, do I. If you're fucking driving, don't say a fucking word, all right? Just drive the fucking car. We don't want to hear a long story.

We don't want you smoking. We don't want you doing nothing. Just drive the fucking car. We'll fill you in when we get this. that. You are pretty specific when I'm driving. I don't like people fucking around when you're outside. You see how I am.

I'm not. Pay attention. Put your head up. I never like this fucking phone in how people look at that fucking phone. It drives me crazy. And you made a good point before the podcast started. You know what? I'm scared of cars too.

I'm fucking petrified of cars. All these busy streets. See, dog, the world changed again. Not only the world changed. change again on Monday on how people think. And people like me fucking, this scares me. Monday, I was not all there. Again, the podcast saved me that night with Nick and the fucking pizza and those

fucking bunsey brought with blue cheese in them. Jesus Christ. But I was having a tough day Monday. And I always feel like I'm not an empathetic person, but I fucking am because it affects me. It affected me Monday. Like, I didn't want to know Dick. I had a good time here

But even yesterday it affected me I am trying To watch As least about this as I can Me too And the thing about being empathetic Like you have to have empathy For the people who have

These terrible things happen to them But at a certain point If you let all of this stuff in Like that's why people are getting Depression from social media Like you can't You just can't Emotionally let all this stuff in

Is gonna get fucking ousted out of my life any day now. Yeah. I can feel it. I can feel it. And I'll tell you why. Because, especially Facebook. Yeah.

Facebook is just, it's become a psychotherapist. People just go there and post shit up and then they start into wars. I've never seen anything like that. Yeah. I've never seen what gets posted on there. I never thought that I would come to the day. Like when you go, in all your years, did you think there was going to be a medical marijuana store ever that you were going to walk into? It's the same thing.

I thought all that stuff was for jollies and for us to have a good time, you know. That's what I thought it was for, for us to crack jokes and for us to say shit. They're throwing people off now. They're throwing people off now. They're banning people. They're getting pissed at people. It's become something different. You know, it really has become something different.

I think it's time to start a new fucking page. For 18 and over, where you could put people fucking getting jerked off in the face. people getting shot. It's like world stop hip hop. Only you. It's your page. So if you want to show three Chinese guys getting hit in the head with hammers, so be it.

If you want to show three black guys getting shot because you're into that, so be it. If you want to show three white guys, whatever the fuck you want. But anyway, not to take away from... I was going to the other way. Yeah, well, take away from what's going on here. I will tell you one thing, ladies and gentlemen.

And after I say this to you, you know my stance on all the bullshit. shit and everything, but I will tell you this. And like I said, I just know, like I didn't watch World News tonight the last two nights. I did that for a fucking reason, because I don't want to take that. And that's my favorite show. At 6.30, if you call me, you're not going to get a hold of me.

The phone is plugged in in a complete different room. I really don't care who calls. When I'm watching World News tonight, I don't fuck around. And there was a time when Diane Sawyer was on. I was going to say even without Diane? If you called my house, that's when I would pick up the phone and tell you to go fuck your mother and hang up on you. How dare you call me during Diane Sawyer. Anyway, I will tell you one thing, Lee, that I feel.

And something is not right. You guys forget I'm a criminal before I got into this. You guys forget that I had urges of killing three people in my life and had dreams about it. would fucking fantasize about it without medication and without bullshit. I would just sit there and salivate. It was like coming. When I was 21 and I was thinking of killing one, it was like coming every night.

Same myself, you know, walk down the street with tiptoeing and coming up to him and shooting them in a leg and watching them drop to one leg and then shooting them in the back. You fantasize the whole thing? Watch, oh, my God. Oh, my God, many of times. Many of times I fantasized it.

And then after that one, I thought, who did I want to kill? There was somebody else I wanted to go after. And that was a fantasy of like three years. And then it took me what? It took me for 10 or 15 years. The fantasy of me killing my ex-wife and her fucking husband were there in my heart. I can't lie to nobody. You want me to tell you they didn't exist?

Sure they did. I'm sure they fucking did. Doesn't all that fantasizing about angry things? make you angry like were you an angrier person absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely it makes you an angry person and you know you got now you got a fuel cocaine in there oh because all this periods I'm telling you about when I fantasize killing people cocaine was fucking there like a like a fucking gunpowder you know what I'm saying so let's add that to the mix there was no antidepressants or no

bullshit like this I was putting cocaine into my body. So I had thousands of fantasies, guys. You want me to lie to you and tell you I'm not that type of person? I had thousands of fantasies. You know, when you lose something as important as a parent or something like this, something that's important to you, it can be a fucking dog, Lee, it could be a dog that pushes you over the top. It could be a girl that you saw getting hit by a car. You don't know how your body and your mind is going to react to this shit. But for me, on a personal level. I could tell you one thing

that when I lost my mother within three or four years, I had the hatred of fucking Satan in my heart. Which meant if I was sitting down and I saw you crossing the streetly, I would cheer for the car to hit you in the fucking leg.

And I didn't even know who you are. But when you take away religion from a man and belief and a piece of their soul, they want everybody to suffer how they're suffering. It's a childish way to think, but that's how I thought at that time.

After I saw what I was doing and my behavior and how I was acting, then I shifted it over the years, and now I don't know about it. Now, I just want to go home and I want to hang out with you and hug my daughter and see the fucking cats

and finish this game out to whatever this game is. I'm 54. I don't know what the fuck I got left. I did coke for 30 years. There's got to be a valve off the hook in there somewhere. Oh, my God.

But at least I'm on my gosh. honest with myself. I'm not. You don't see me out jumping up and down and gallivanting and being somebody. I'm not. Right. You know? So, again, you know, I think something went on in Vegas.

I don't think we're getting all the real story. Are you guys, am I saying conspiracy theory? Don't even fucking say that, you dumb fucks. You know, that's not what I believe. But I believe something else, I don't know what it is. Something isn't right. I don't know what it is. I'm a criminal.

Yeah, if you go online, there's eight million theories right now. And I'm not going to go online. I'm not going to go online. And the issue is, like anything that's saying, like, it's a government conspiracy to kill its own citizen. Like, in the back, back of my head, I know that it's a possibility, but I don't want it to be. Like, and that's, and that's, and I guess you can't live that way, and that's probably what a lot of people are just getting mad about. but I don't want to live in a world where someone's at, like, America's doing that. I didn't say America.

Right. Well, yeah, that's true. I'm not even saying America. I'm looking at it from just something doesn't seem right. I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. You guys know me. I just don't know what it is.

I'm not saying America or CIA. Some people are. I don't even know what to think. And you try to scroll on Facebook to be kind of sweet, kind of a nice person, and you see 20 different things and you leaked this, that. You know, my big thing is, okay, so you rent the room, you bust through the window. Right. And you shot people for 10 minutes. How many guns are you having the room?

At least 30, I think, right? No, he had 18, 19, and a couple handguns and shit. He put a peephole, he put a camera in his peephole, he put a camera in his room service dish. Cart, yeah. In the cart. And he put a baby monitor in the living room so he could watch while. He was also supposedly taping himself.

Now, wait, this was my only question here. You just shot. $2,200, you know, whatever. $1,000.000, I think, yeah. I don't know how many rounds. Don't, don't, you know, please. Right, yeah, I don't know how many rounds. But I do know one thing.

At that point, wouldn't you shoot it out with the fucking cops? You'd think so, or just keep going out the window or something? Because he did stop. So he just stopped at 1015 and shot himself? I don't understand this. So those, I have three or four of those. I don't want to turn the podcast into something. It isn't.

But again, my fucking hearts and prayers go out to these victims. And I hope that we find an answer. And just from being at the coffee shop today, I heard people next to me. There was two nice women. And they were talking about gun advocacy and all this shit. Guess what, motherfuckers, if you were at that concert Sunday, Lee, and you lived, you made it back to your house and you hugged Paula. And you sat down and you said, Joy, I'm taking a little.

week off. What are you going to do next? You're thinking about buying a gun, aren't you? That's not ever going to happen to you again. And you're going to start thinking about Paula. You're going to start thinking about your mother. You're going to start thinking about Dickie Syatt. Right. And how many things they go to. And you're going to start thinking about this shit. This changes you. Guess what? Whether it's the next day or within 60 days, you're going to buy a pistol. Because you're never going to want to be put in that position again. I wonder how many applications were filed for guns, the last two days. Probably a lot, but that's,

and we've talked, I think we talked about this last year, something around this, something happened, and guns have always scared me. And I know people have a lot of emotional attachment to their guns for reasons, for hunting, for reasons, just failing, whatever their reasons are.

Well, I'll tell you what, if one day you and Paul are walking down the fucking street, right. And two kids come up to you And they put a gun to your neck And they take your wallet out And the kid takes Walers Baller's wallet

Right And before he leaves He smacks her in the face And she goes down And her glasses break Right Let me ask you something How are you gonna feel

As an American? You know How are you gonna feel as a human being? Terrible Okay Awful But why can this guy For $200 buy something

That turns his gun into an automatic Well no no Let's just talk about the donation. Forget about the next step. The next step. He smacked Paula. Paula goes down. Right.

Okay, you're going to go home and you're going to go through a bunch of emotions, and so is Paula. Right. One of the emotions you're going to go through is maybe I should go back to Crowe Maga. Yeah. Right? Because Kauff Maga guys could disarm a motherfucker. You know, one of my point is, is you never want it to happen again. No.

You never want that to happen again. Now you have to deal with Paul. You know, Paul is a sweet girl. If you got kicked in the stomach, that ain't no big deal. You wrestled in high school. You fuck around with us. I don't want to get kicked. They punch at the comedy store from time to time, Theo, or something.

Paula's not used to getting kicked. Neither is my wife. Neither are the wives of people listening to this podcast right now. The men listen to this podcast. So my point is, if this happened to you, within how many days do you think you're going to figure out your next move for protection? Immediately. Okay.

Is it a karate class? Is it a jih-jit-to class? Is it a boxing class? Is it a tactical class? Where you learn how to fire weapons? And will you probably buy a weapon for the next time? As much as you hate a gun. Because you hate a gun because you have no knowledge of a gun and they scare you.

Once you get knowledge of a gun and what a gun could do. But these are the people that go, you know, death wish. What is death wish about? A guy, they rob his fucking house. They raped his wife and his daughter becomes a mo-mo. He goes to Arizona to stay with it, to build a project. And while he's down there, the dude takes him to shoot, and he knows he's heartbroken.

On the way back, he throws a piece in this luggage. And he goes, I put a little something in there for you, for when you get back to New York. Right. Charles Bronson gets back to New York, opens up that fucking suitcase and looks in that goddamn thing and it's a fucking piece and a half.

And he started shooting people two nights later. You understand me? And he was an engineer. No, he was an architect. Paul Cursey. He was an architect in that movie. But these are just how many fucking movies are surrounded around somebody getting killed and fucking all of a sudden who's the sick taken? All of a sudden he becomes fucking Johnny Seal and he gets weapons and lockers and he's shooting people.

He was always ex-Seal. Whatever he was. But no, yeah, I mean, those are a lot of movies and I get that urge. But, I mean, if you want, do you want to take it to the next? I mean, people are going to get mad regardless of what you say, half of the people are going to, get mad no no no I'm not listen I'm not saying that it's the time to buy a gun it's not the time everybody has their own it isn't it's not at the same reasons everybody I am not going to sit in a room and argue with somebody about guns because everybody's different exactly yeah

everybody's different the automatic thing yes you have to ban all that stuff and give 30 years in possessions automatic time you know guaranteed time whatever it's called yeah whatever it's Push stock. Yeah. They catch you. It's automatic 25 years. No plea bargain, no nothing. You know, you start impending those sentences with a $50,000 fine.

Whatever. I don't fucking know. Right. I don't know. And then they said he had like 30. He had 30 guns, right? 30 guns. So, like, 40 altogether.

19 or something there and 20 something at the house. Flip-plop. But it all was 40 fucking handguns. Listen, we all know that if you got a heartbeat, you could buy a gun. Right. your records clean, you could buy a gun. Or you could pay somebody and give them, and they'll buy the guns for you. It's the same thing.

No big fucking deal. There's always a way to get a gun. That's the sad thing in American society. You could always buy a gun. You could have four guns. You can have two of the registered and two of the dirty, just in case shit goes down. You've got to shoot a motherfucker and put a gun in this. hand.

Oh, my God. You know, what, that, you don't think there's people who walk right. What is the thing? Isn't there? Did you ever see anything about that fucking Jew in New York that was shooting people? No.

Not the dude who was listening to the dog. The other one. That was Bernie Weckowitz, right? The first guy that was listening to the dog, Summer Sam, Sam Berkowitz. Okay. Which if I put a little wig on you, you look a little like him. Maybe I have him.

Summer of San. He finally. He's still alive, I think. Oh, okay. No, no, one of them. And then you had the guy before him, Gets. Did you ever see Bernard Gets? The name sounds familiar, but I can't.

Put it on YouTube. Bernard Gett. Yeah. Interview. Bernard Gets. Was he in one of those? Z, I think. One of those combinations.

G-O-E. I think that was the name of the guy who did the fucking shit in the city in 1977. Why would a harmless guy like this? subway vigilante yes what was he visualizing what was he the oh this motherfucker

went on a roll it's an hour and 20 minutes no no but let's see if he just there's got to be short ones yeah let me find one YouTube now you know his name just put it there's got to be like a two minute one I just want you to show him

he said something that was so fucked up they said why did you shoot the other guy or something because he was breathing like he was fucking because why do you think When they interview him, he tells you, I've been mugged four times. That was one of the worst times ever in New York City.

That was one of the worst times ever in New York City. How long was he out there for? Look him. He looked like Ari and he. Look him. Bernard gets. If I had more bullets, I would have shot them all over again. Look at this shit.

Listen to this shit. This is what happens. Look at Ari. If you don't know about this, go to Burnhard Gets on YouTube. If I had more bullets, I would have shot them all again and again. Look at this guy. What's he way, Lee? 120?

You're going to click on some time for that or one. I would have shot them all again and again. My problem was I ran out of bullets, and I was going to gouge one of the guys' eyes out with my keys afterwards. You can't understand this. I know you can't understand this. That's fine. the only reason I didn't do it is because T had changed as what

He had changed as You'll understand If you have it You're gonna, I'm sorry I know they're gonna give you a copy of the tape Won't they? Won't they? Probably, yeah

Okay, of course they won't Of course they will Yeah, okay It's, it's Do I have to go this through? Do you want to hear it one more time? What? What?

Oh my God he just didn't give a fuck he didn't give a fuck but his background was something crazy like something had happened to him and yeah it looks like he had been bullied or something

you know these motherfuckers go ahead he's crazy there's another one you seem to be doing all right here's another this is how crazy this guy got we're on the ground the first two at I shot

they were taken care of it's all very cold blooded and a sudden just is going to offend everyone. I went back to the other two to check on that. And the fellow who was standing up, I was sure I'd shot him. It was funny. I wanted to give him to the honest answer. I wonder if I missed. But I went to him the second time. And I looked at him. And he can't verify this because he was probably out of it by then. If I had shot him or if he wasn't, I don't know. And I said, you seem to be doing all right. Here's another. when you get bullied and the guy just snaps. Yeah, see, but I guess, death wish in real life. This is, you know, I'm basing what I'm having a conversation with you about, about things that I've seen. You know, and there's been a thousand movies made about it.

Were you ever in prison with someone who just snapped? I went to prison. One of the scariest guys in there was a guy called Spencer Antoine. Oh, God, I've heard about him. And his nemesis was graveyard. He was a part of a leader of a different little black group. Okay. Antoine, chicken hawk, had a bigger black following, and he had the kitchen hog.

So there's chicken hog? And graveyard. And chicken hog. Spencer Antoine is chicken hawk. Gotcha. Spencer Antoine is chicken hawk. Gotcha. And his two lieutenants were a skinny dude from men.

Memphis, who was fucking hysterical, and B from Buffalo. And this guy was 6'4-6, big, you know, not muscular. He didn't win no Mr. Olympia or nothing. But he would pick you up through a fucking neck. And he was in there for Somersault and Chicken Hawk was in there for involuntary manslaughter. But it was really murdered. too. He just let it down. And I became friends of him. You don't ask people what they're in jail for,

but I became friends of him. He was my boss in the kitchen. I hung out with him a lot, man. I really liked him. Like he was some New Orleans and he had a gold tooth and shit. Okay. And he had an eye that fucking like floated. And the hotter he was, the more the eye would float. And the, the pack, what I never talk about, which this is classic shit. The pack. The pack. Every day the main crew at the library was me chicken hawk and the guy from Buffalo who killed his wife in the mailman Right so he was that wasn't being no no that wasn't me this was a white dude that again was like Ari you know very He read a lot of books he rolled his own cigarettes He wore like nerdy glasses before they were cool in 1988 when I was in that and the morning

shift in that library was me, Antoine, and this fucking librarian. And, you know, we were in there from 9.30 to 11.30. And it would start on politics, but then it would end on murder. And how he killed this one and this one killed this one. You know, you don't just start fucking killing. You know what I'm saying? Like, this guy had piped somebody and put him in the hospital, but he got away with it because they went to his house.

house without a warrant like the librarian dude like he was fucking always crazy do is it hard to make friends in there because you all these people did all this shit no because it was weird you're in the kit like as soon as i got you get off the fucking bus they unshackle you they give you sheets and all that shit you have whatever you have coming from the other place you go to your bunk hopefully it's close to chow but before chow you got to go see your fucking counselor and your counselor has a chit-chat with you and tells you what he expects from you and what programs you have to be in.

You have to do AA twice a week and you have to fucking go to the psycho group for drugs and you have to go to the other psycho group. And they got 15 groups there. So what you do is you sign up for all of them because they all cut your time. So you spend your day in groups? Yeah, I went to a rape group.

I went to a fucking victim group. Like I got raped. I did everything. Did you just make up stories? No, you don't say nothing. You just sit there and wave in the back. You drink the coffee. You eat the cookies and you sit in the back and wave.

It's the truth. You want me to lie to you and tell you. At least you didn't have to make up a story for all of these, like cancer survivor. No, no, no, no, no, no. What do you think? I'm that chick from fucking one of those movies. Fight club? No, no, no, no, no.

It wasn't cancer survivors. You had to go to these courses if you had committed these type of crimes. And they would give you some type of therapy. I wasn't because I didn't get caught with the machine gun I didn't get charged or wasn't supposed to I wasn't the court didn't make me go to like a weapon they called it something aggravated assault class or something that's if you assaulted somebody if you maim somebody

if it now I went to that class you want that was the first time my life I haven't been scared because nobody was doing drugs In those days, they gave you that shit, the shit that you shuffle. A methadone? No, no, no. The other one that they call it something like the, it makes you fucking like a zombo. So in those days, if you showed any fucking sign of aggressiveness, they'd put you on that shit. No, they wouldn't.

Yes, they would. Yes, they would. Yes, they would. They'd tell you it was something else, and they put you on that shit. And you'd sleep all day, you'd only be up for child and for your fucking job. they had a time just to calm you down. And there was a couple of those fucking savages in that assault class, whatever. This is the first time I've ever talked about this thing.

I know. I haven't. In my life. What would they talk about in the classes? They would tell their story. And then the counselor would tell them why they had that. Like this one guy broke somebody's kneecap with a pipe or something. and he fucking that was scary because he started telling the story

about his mom putting cigarettes out on him and she would tie him up and have sex in front of him you know like that they get that deep when you start listening to him listen to be an animal that does that to somebody listen me Lee you and I get into an argument you push me I hurt your feelings I push you you punch me in the head I kick you in the stomach

we don't talk for two weeks everybody goes home happy you're not going to talk shit about me you violated me too we're always going to be brothers it happens what if I pick you up and throw you off the fucking balcony what would you think about me then and you broke a hip that's malicious

there's an explanation why people do that there's an explanation why people do that and when you dig a little deep it's fucking ugly and I didn't know this I knew this shit going into that that's why ever since like I was always in I was always enthralled with psychology in a way. I just wasn't going to go to school of

psychology. Right. Like I wouldn't mind taking like the courses that were required. It's a long process. Yeah. It's like being a doctor. I know, no, no. But you know, it's too much. They break it down a little bit too much. It's a little bit too Freudian and shit. But you know when you talk to people. Like those guys at a high level, they're really sharp. And I

don't know. It's not that I know because I know I'm half fucking retarded myself. But I also know when something they fuck. right with somebody okay so what we're talking about here about that therapist no one something's not right about the assault class oh the assault class don't take me off that okay so it was like not there was a scary thing it was a chick like that always stuck out my mind chick teacher it was a chick counselor in that class she was a smaller black woman light-skinned very educated she was sweet but she wouldn't show it because it would be a sign of weakness

and one of those guerrillas would fucking rape her right in the class though she had to fucking be firm if you were late don't show up she was one of those women you know and I appreciate I was never late for her class I was never I was always early for those things I'm surprised people would open up like that well after if you're required to go to them every week okay eventually Lee no matter what you think when you go into those things, you go home and you make a predetermine of what you're

going to say and what you're not going to say. And then some crazy motherfucker goes in there and tells and breaks down, says, my motherfucker and her boyfriend ran a train up my asshole and then pimp me out and they smoked crack with my fucking toes. And you feel so horrible that whatever happened to you seems minute. So after a while, you want to state your case. And you go, you know what? I'm going to fucking tell my story. You're compelled to say it.

Like after like four weeks, I told a kidnapping story. And they were all laughing at me. And, you know, if you watched the third season of Narcos, is there three seasons? Yeah. If you watch the third season of Narcos, at the end, there's a part where the crazy Colombian is, torturing the securities expert.

And he's telling him, you know what I don't like about you, that you don't carry a gun. And he goes, is there a problem with me not carrying a gun? Do you remember the scene, Lee? And he goes, maybe you're scared. Maybe you'll find out that you're really an assassin. That's what that teacher said to me. Because you didn't like guns? Or why did they say that to you?

Because they heard the whole story. and I told the story how I went in the trunk of the car and pulled out the fucking gun and I could have just ended this. So you just, like, you could have just ended this. Like after, and again, when I went in there in fucking August, I didn't even dream of getting that deep with it.

But by November, you know, like I said, you go, what am I going to these for for 45 minutes every fucking week? To sit here like a deaf mute? I got to get something out of that. And like I said, people went in there, and told horrific stories, Lee, about taking eyes out and biting people and shooting a kid by mistake. You know, you have no fucking idea. You have no idea, my friend.

I never broke down on one of those things, but I always left that going, that's how I realized that I was in the criminal. That class. That class made me realize that, you know what, this game ain't for me. this is what's really out there. And if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'm going to stumble upon this layer of fucking savages somewhere along the life. Not that I never stumbled upon savages like this before.

But one of them, you could pass by it, but surrounded by these animals, it was really, and Lee, that's why, I don't know, it was a great experience for me that. Was it humbling almost? It sounded like, not that you would think you were like mint LaBast, but it sounded like you were almost like you were kind of a big shot,

and then you hear all this, You're like, oh, shit. Listen, it made you feel bad and good in many ways. Like, you walked out of there, let's face it, people. I'm not going to lie, nobody. You walked out of there going, ooh. And I thought my life was bad. Maybe I'm not going to hell.

That guy cut his grandma's foot. And, you know, I mean, there was just fucking horror stories. And I don't forget, I didn't forget all of them. Like, I can't remember all of them. But I do remember the kid with the fucking cigarettes and just, just horrible shit. And I thought about him for one time. Now you start thinking about the fucking people. Right.

Okay? And you start going, this guy's 30 years old. This happened to him from the ages of five to nine. And he's been walking around with this inside of him. For 20 years? For 20 years. They fucked him in the ass and put dildos in his ass and his own parents did this to him. And then it's the, we go to his father's house and his father would make him blow the uncle.

you know, you don't have a fucking idea. These kids, and they become men, and they're carrying this shit. So where the fuck are they going to end up? Their value is nothing inside. You see that they think it. They know it. They'll sit there and tell you.

They got no value. They'll go out and kill or be killed again. It don't make it fucking difference. I'm not going to lie to you. I went to the rape only two times, and that was just too disturbed. for me. I can't imagine.

That was too disturbing to me. The drug one was hilarious. They're always a fucking pisser. They're always a fucking piss of the drug ones. Because everybody was a kingpin. Nobody was just a fucking regular top of the notch, you know, drug dealer.

I had bitches. Everybody in there had bitches, boats, their attorney, they all got fucking stories. That's the worst one. I went to the alcoholic one. There was a couple of them because I was busy in the afternoons.

There was a couple therapy groups I had to go to. And I told the truth. You know, I just told them what I knew at that time. Stand-up was nowhere in my life. Stand-up was nowhere in my life at that time.

Right. Not even fucking closely. So it's kind of fucking crazy. Yeah, not even close. Like I'm trying to. think back. By then I had gotten on what was my so-called stage.

At that time? Right. Yeah, I was already getting up on Thursday nights. During the movies and stuff. During the movies and shit, and yelling and screaming. About two weeks ago, I was on the road and I was thinking about the guy I used to pick on a lot. A couple weeks ago, I went to buy an iPod pad with my wife.

Just keep going, it's on iPad Pro, and we got it. Just by the way, for very quickly, his wife had, your wife called me last week about something, and we laughed for about three minutes about mirrors. What mirrors? The mirrors, when you called the windows mirrors, but I don't want to distract from this story.

I don't even know. Oh, so I go to this fucking place, and there's this light skin system. I mean, she's really light skin with a thousand freckles on it. And I sat there when I, and I really got a great kick out. I gave her a great reading with, Sprint hit me up.

I always think about going on there saying hello, but I don't want to seem like a creepy uncle, so I just won't go in there. But I really fell in love with her because she was cool as shit, but she reminded me of this dude in prison I was tight with. He was one of those orange black dudes. What?

He was orange, but he had freckles, and he had freckles everywhere. I don't think I've seen anyone like that. Well, the basketball player from the Celtics. But you don't remember him. When I was a kid, I forget what his name is. They're those black dudes that got freckles.

They got a bunch of freckles and shit. Well, this dude had a bunch of freckles, and he was like orange skin, black, and he had like orange, black hair. It was fucking hilarious. And he worked in the kitchen with us. Okay. And he would always be telling stories about

he was a drug dealer. And Chicken Hawk used to tell him to shut the fuck out. Shut the fuck up, Negro. What the fuck are you talking about? You bummed three cigarettes from me. yesterday you ain't no fucking drug dealer did he make a noise or something why did he call himself chicken honk

did he like I don't know I never asked him I never asked him chicken hog he used to make me go into the black rooms and play domino with him in the prison they would fucking hate me but there was nothing they could do he was Antoine Spencer Antoine and shit

a k a chicken hawk from New Orleans and he told us one day like a you know when somebody's telling you a funny routine Like, if you watch Bill Burr, you get submerged in that shit. Right. And you start laughing your ass off, a Seguer or Rogan. Sometimes you get submerged in that shit.

We're in the kitchen one night, Lee. The way me and you sit here, like with Becky or somebody else when they come in here, Nick the Tour, we're just sitting here talking. But there was like five of us. And we had, because we used to, they would cook shit in the kitchen. And then each of us would smuggle stuff from the bodega. and we'd make a big meal one day a week. All the kitchen employees. All the kitchen employees would go to the store every day.

Even if they had to borrow money from us, they'd go to the store every day, and then they'd bring back supplies. And on Friday, we'd make like a Puerto Rican gumbo, like real tiny shrimp with fucking, with imitation crab meat. And then, you know, he would make, like, Louisiana, the kid from New Orleans, Antoine.

He would make that. And then we'd make saltine crackers with, uh, Sardines Oh yeah We'd be throwing heat And shit on fucking Fridays Living like doctors

And that motherfucker Blowing up your toilets Oh disgusting I was living off those fucking things But that was one of the weirdest Because you always hang out with people And they tell you funny stories Right?

Like they tell you stories about going on vacation Or when their kid played in the third grade Or whatever This guy was telling us a story how he murdered the guy he was in prison for and we were in tears on the floor

how it that's how funny he was you're listening to me going Joey how can somebody tell you about a murder and you're in tears so he told you about the murder he told us the whole day how it went down why it went down

so he had already gone to the whole trial he wasn't yeah we were doing time All right. He had nothing to lose. He had nothing to lose. Jesus Christ. So we're sitting around, eating fucking lunch, whatever. Everybody else was gone from the cafeteria.

You know, it's like six of us. Just sitting there. I think me and Purdy, this dude's name was Andrew Purdy. A fucking good-looking white dude from Cali, blonde hair, the whole fucking thing. There was a troupe of those dudes, too. There was a dude that looked like Don Henley from California. I was there. he was doing federal time for fucking

Rifa. Oh my God. For important Rifa from California to Colorado. And there was another white dude there. And I gotta tell you some, all three of them were cool. The older white dude used to give me books and shit to read. Very nice.

He was fucking cool as shit. But Purdy and me were so tight. We ended up at the same halfway house in Boulder. Oh shit. Bam! Reunion. And then there was another guy that was a car dealer that was turning back to Miles.

Okay? He was turning back to Miles. a car and he was doing time. His name was Kelly. His last name was Kelly. I don't know what his first name was. Probably shouldn't say it. A Coke fiend motherfucker, even in prison,

he was swinging Coke, snort and Coke. I had to avoid him like the plague. Did he teach you how to roll it back? Yeah, he taught me, I knew how to roll it back, but he was a pro at it and he got caught. But he was the guy that he would be working the he'd be working the line.

Okay, so I would work in the morning, guys. Okay? My shift was 7 a.m. to 9, 10. I would wash my hands, go to my room, take a piss, and shoot right to the library. Okay. And then I wouldn't have to go back in there until a quarter to 12, until about a quarter of the one. And then me and the guys would sit around and talk shit. And one day, he was just like, hey.

So it's always... I would tell you guys if I want to murder the guy. Right. So this, now this white dude, the dude who was in jail for turning back miles, Lee, he was hilarious. He wore glasses. He was goofy. But he was a killer. He was cool as shit.

Like he was just running a one-man operation out of a fucking big time Chrysler dealership in Lakewood. Like this dealer had been there for 40 years. Family, he disgraced it single-handedly. He was snorting coke. He was fucking the receptionist. He was fucking customers-wide. I mean, he was a one-man demolition crew, and he had zero remorse. His wife would come in crime, and he fucking told him, go fuck yourself, deal with it.

I left your 20 G's. He was nuts, but the cool thing about him was that he would be put, he was the dude who put the food out. You know those dudes that put the food out in the trays? Caterers? No, no, no, he was no fucking caterer. He worked in the kitchen. Okay. But his job was to fucking take the food.

of mashed potatoes and put them over the fucking sternos. And then the other thing over the sternos. So he would put out like six things, vegetable, a fucking this or that or whatever. You guys in a kitchen at a car dealership? No, this is at the fucking prison. Oh, gotcha. Jesus Christ, we're at the prison. Gotcha.

And he was in charge of putting out the food. So as soon as he'd lay out the food, I'd go up to him and I'd go, what's the story? And he'd go, don't do it. Like, he would just, and I would go, okay. and I would sit in the back and the black dudes are coming and that was my code to them. Don't do it.

I mean, and that was it. Don't do it. Don't do it. And it was me and Kelly. I think his name was Kelly. It wasn't Frank. That's a different dude. This guy was like Mike or Daniel

or something like that. This was a party. All right. So back to lunch. We're eating lunch and we're eating. And somebody was talking. talking about something and chicken hawk we had the gold tooth he was dressed in white if you worked the kitchen you got a dress on white and he had black boot on i never forget it like it was

yesterday and when we were in jail they were doing the jerry curl but his jerry curl was all fucked up so his head would stick up in the air like a lunatic and shit okay and it just added to his persona and was sitting there fucking eating and all of some of these tomless yeah it was like that I killed that motherfucker. And he's like, huh? And he's like, yeah, man, you know, I'm in front of my motherfucking house.

You know, and I don't know what he was talking about. Like, he just went into it, Lee. Just like, he was saying, hey, you remember the game last night? He just went into it. Yeah, like, just out. We were sitting there, a bunch of us all day drinking. You know, I never did a drug in my life.

You know, and he was talking. That's what made him unique. Like, he didn't believe in drugs. He didn't want him to remember. around if he would tell you when you moved into that chef barrack the kitchen barrack if you do drugs don't move in the barracks bro because i'm going to find out and i'm going to have you moved out so if you do drug i'm done you right now don't move in the chef barric there's another barrack for kitchen help it wasn't as nice though so that's why i live in that barrack

and did you follow the rules yeah i didn't do drugs in there okay i didn't smoke pot in there I did ask them a few times. They test you, Lee. And if they test you, you're at a minimum security camp. You're living like a doctor. Nobody says boo to you. Okay. Okay.

If you really want it, you could drink. But what am I going to get drunk with a bunch of guys and do what? So I did ask them with the librarian, the crazy librarian, and this black Christian dude one night. Sounds like fun? No. I got a little ball hitch there. Who doesn't?

What are we talking about? We're talking about Spencer Antoine telling his story. So he's telling us the story and how he was there all day, having a great time barbecuing, and he went to the front of his house, and there was something going on. And he said, this is why you got to be careful. He goes, I learned that from that day on. You got to walk away because you don't know what this other motherfucker is carrying. And something happened.

I mean, bro, he locked this in. It was like the greatest story I had ever heard. in my life at that point. And this isn't by somebody who was braggadojo. He was very quiet. He wasn't a loud black guy at all. Very matter of fact. He went to the movie theaters.

He wouldn't say a word. Because I'd have to beat him to get a word out of him watching football and shit. He loved to laugh. He was about six foot two. 225. He had like four kids. He made a lot of money.

Like he wasn't a drug day. He made a lot of money. He did something. like construction and he was a realtor. You could tell he was a sharp guy. If I was 25, he was about 35.

I know he had like one of the best attorneys. I know he paid a lot for his attorney to get him out. He paid a lot of money. He said, because I'm going to make three payments of 50 grand the first six months or something. And then for the trial, he had to pay him again or something like that. that. So I know he had a white

attorney, a Jew or something. I forget, well, he used to brag about him. But yeah, he walked, he said he went up to the dude and the dude pulled a gun on him. And he goes, this, you know, this dumb motherfucker, you're going to pull a gun on me in front of my house.

You know, he was living like in 1950. It was a white guy? No, I think it was a black guy. You never disrespect a black guy like that. There's some people, bro. You take a weapon out in front of their fucking house you're dead

you're dead that's a fucking goal to some people to shoot you don't wouldn't that be in defense if you come into your house I put my gun in the fucking trunk before I walk in your house I appreciate that so the same thing okay this guy but he didn't look at it like that he didn't know

it's like I don't even know you it's like if you knock on the door right now and you're like I'm going to shoot everybody motherfucking in here who's fucking my wife in here I'm like dog nobody's fucking your wife we're in here doing a podcast my wife is in these motherfuckers

I'm gonna start shooting bitches you know whatever and you go out there and all of a sudden you end up fucking shot or whatever he said he told the guy to put the gun away and the guy told him get the fuck away from me

before I shoot your black ass and a bunch of other shit so he said he just turned around and walked into his fucking house Ooh, that was a mistake And that was a mistake He came right back out with a knife and a gun

And he was selling a cube I came out with a knife and a fucking gun And he just killed them in front of his house It's too bad he didn't have the gun on him Because then he could have just killed him in self-defense It was some crazy fucking story, man But I remember all of us were like It was one of those stories where you're sitting there

And your head's fucking spinning From the story Like what the fuck the fuck I was here yeah it was really crazy Lee that was those couple like I remember I wasn't proud of going to prison I was proud of going to prison for one reason because I got it out of the way like by the time I got sentenced and I digested four years I was like you know what I'll be even when I get out of here that's it my karma going to start from scratch.

I mean, it's amazing what we tell ourselves, I guess. That's what I told myself. So I said, fuck it. Now I get the fucking, I'm thinking I'm doing four years. The only thing the attorney told me he was in a file for a reconsideration motion after 120 days or 90 days or something like that. Okay. All right.

That's what the fucking dude told me. So I sat there. It's all. August 15th, and I'm like, okay, what's 120 days? That's September, October, November, December. That's a bad time of the year to be filed in motion. That's like coming to borrow money from somebody on the 15th. You know what I'm saying?

Christmas is a week away, son. Nobody wants to work on the 15th. They're all taking their vacation. Unless you got a badass Jew attorney. Right. Who gets a badass Jew judge. says, come on, Russia, Shana, starts talking a couple of bar mitzvahs. Come on, open the books for this kid on the fucking Thursday, you know, the 21st or something like that.

And what would it still do? Right. Even if I got the grant motion, even if I got the motion granted, I'm sorry, even if I got the motion granted, it would have still taken me 30 days to get processed. Right. Do you think that's where you learned to be how focused you are? Because you can't, that's the thing I hate the most is waiting for something. I hate that.

I always anticipate things and I get myself worked up. What would you do if tomorrow you had to go to court for a parking ticket at 9.30 in the morning? Right. You talked to me at 7.15. We made some fucking racial slurs at one another. We talked about Paula. We talked about the podcast. You told me what you ate last night.

You smell like your neck smells like hummus. And you told me you're going to call me at one when you're coming back from court. What if at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I got a collect call from you from the county jail and you tell me to call my attorney, to get them down there,

that they're mistaking you for somebody and ta-da-da-da. You're going to do what they're charging you with this and this and this, and it is your, car you saw the dent in it when you put when you got in it at the court they showed it to you know just something obscured you know what

would you be thinking the first 24 hours late you're missing this you're missing that your girlfriend's going to find that thing you hit under the blank there's a thousand things on your mind that takes two days to process and then boom you get everything

you're going to court tomorrow morning and face the judge you'll set the bail that's another mind fuck okay okay and then also bail gets set and that's another six hours until you fucking get released because they got to hold you in there for a certain amount of hours

so the state gets a daily pay for you. Gotcha. So if you're in there for eight hours, the state gets $55 a day for you. So if you get bailed out of 11, they'll make you wait until 5. And at 501, you're like, what the fuck just happened?

I put the money up for you at 10 the morning. We've been waiting out there for six motherfucking hours. Jesus Christ. So now you get out, right? Right, now you get out and you have a couple months to process what's going on. And if you're an asshole like me, you actually believe you're not going to go to prison, even though the guy you paid fucking $1,000 a minute to told you that you're going to do fucking time, whether it's 90 days in county or 90 days.

He said it. He goes, you're going to do 90 days in prison, and you're going to file a reconsideration motion, and then you'll be out. But either or you're going to do 90 fucking days. And you didn't think it was going to happen. I thought I was going to go in there, sweet charmed the motherfucker. But on August 15th,

it took me about six days to process that I wasn't going nowhere. It takes about six days to process that you're not going anywhere. What that means is that all that shit in your body gets released, you accept that shitty bed, you start watching people's TV, you start making friends,

Because the first three days, you don't want to talk to nobody. You're a short term. You're going to be out of there. You got the best attorney in town. You're getting the fuck out of there in two hours. You know what I'm saying? You got bitches. You like that scene from Eddie Murphy.

Where's my bitches at? Yeah, I'm getting out of here. Bail on the... You got nobody. You make up this fucking by the third day. Your own mind starts making up different scenarios. You start calling people. You met like three years ago.

How are you doing? Listen, I got to bail for $50,000. You just start. You know, it's crazy. But once you accept it, that's a complete different feeling. When you know you're going away, you're in. There's no escape unless you're a fucking moron. You're only in there for four years.

So it took about a week, ten days to accept that. And then you accept your fate. You find out where you're going. Things slow down. You start talking to people. You're giggling at night. The black dudes. make your fucking laugh at night.

You know, they have apple pie in there. You get to play basketball and lift weights for an hour. So, you're okay. You don't talk to nobody about nothing heavy. You keep it light. I get to

where they do all the testing. Diagnostic. Diagnostic quickly. I get the diagnostic. And I'm already talking to counselors about what I got to do and how much time I got. And they're already telling me, can you imagine I'm already prepared to do till February or something like that, maybe March or April? You're prepared to do, okay.

And this lady told me right out. She goes, here's your fucking deal. She goes, right now is it stands. You got an 18-month sentence. No, you got a 24-month sentence. Two years, okay. Two years, okay? She goes, you did two months in county, and you've already done a month or something.

Gotcha. The way it worked out, I had 18 months left to go. As soon as I got in, I had 18 months left to go. So you went from four years. From 22 months to 18 months. So right off the bat, because the time I had done in county and the time I was already in whatever, I got four months taken away. Six. 24 to 18.

Six months would shut right off. Okay, so I had 18 months left, okay? And she said to me, we have another situation. For us to even keep you in here, you have to be a one point. You have minus one. She goes, we have to send you right to a halfway house. By law, we're going to send you right to a halfway house, but you have another problem.

You're eligible for a halfway house, but you're not going to get to a halfway house to you're 16 months away from your sentence. So in two months? So she goes, what do you want to do? Is whatever the fuck you want to do? She goes, the more time you spend in here, but she goes, I already got a reconsideration motion.

So that means sometimes next year, early next year, you get a reconsideration motion. Boom, January 20th. The president was getting sworn in that day. What the fuck you think you're dealing with, Joey Bananaters? I went. he granted me community corrections. So everything worked out as plan,

but it was still the same thing. I was still going to end up in the halfway house one way or another. And there was no way you could spend the rest of your time in prison and just get out full? No, I had to go somewhere. Got you had to go to Boulder or a long month. And which one did you want to go to? I wanted to go to Boulder.

I wanted to be close with my peeps. Okay. I wanted to be able to run my little game. But it was, it was an education, that whole group thing. As much as I don't believe in a lot of, it wasn't that type of psychiatry. It was people telling what they did.

And then we'd talk about it for two or three weeks and then she'd fucking put a swirl on you. And by that time, you'd be broken. You'd be thinking about it. She had you thinking about it. And making notes and shit like that. Fuck. That's amazing that she had that power over people. You know, I remember talking to her about what I had done and the machine gun, and she told me, she goes, what went on with you?

And I told her I had lost my mom and this and this. And your dad? And my dad, you know, and she was like, well, and I told him about my stepdad, not giving me any money, any anger I had. And I told the truth. I said, yeah, I thought about shooting them and stuff. Okay. And she goes, then this was eminent.

So she goes, thank God nothing bad happened here. She goes, what would happen if you want to get into New York and went to shoot him and you got to a gunfight with him? And you killed him, but he shot you on the way down and something. She goes, this worked out pretty good. And it was true. After whatever went down with the gun and the gun pointing and shit, that was enough for me, Lee.

I'm not going to lie to you. That was enough of me, man. That's good. I don't want to be around that shit ever again after that, Jesus Christ, I don't blame you. Up to that point, I didn't give a fuck. I was playing in that field for about three years. I was walking around.

Miami Vice added fuel to the fucking fire. Right. It added fuel to the fire. And the cocaine took me over the fucking edge. And that's what happened. For me, fucking thinking about all that shit, I thought I was going to get away with some type of fucking Miami Vice machine gun type deal.

And that shit ain't gotta fucking work anymore. I know you don't believe in a lot of universes. But even if it was just like you were gonna run through the process of going to your car to get those guns, if you did it 10 times, how many times do you think you stopped? Because like it's amazing. I'm so happy that you did. But it's like that one decision,

and there must have been some time that you could have been angry enough to go, fuck it. I think the realization of going to your car and taking a gun out to shoot somebody after you just walked out of a place where a guy was tied up with a machine gun to him. That was as real as it got. And I'll tell you something. Between you and I, the fantasies I had at the time or whatever was going through my head or the pain and the addiction, the whole shit that was going on with me at the time. I had a little percentage of common sense. And like I told you, we spoke about the other day.

Once you go into that realm, that's a different realm. Once you have that realm over you, and I'll never forget when that whole Vela thing went down that I was in the driveway and I looked around. Okay. I was making believe it was getting a jacket and taking it off. That's what I was doing. I was taking a jacket off, and I put it in the back seat, and I was just looking around, and there was no cars and no driveway. Unless everybody had their car in the garage.

It was a sunny day. It was October 18th. It was November 18th, or November, something like that. Right. It was a sunny day. It was the leaves were coming down type day. It was like one of those type. Fall.

63 degree with a sun out type day. Sweater well, there. I never forget, I looked around, and I go, you know what? If I shot these guys, nobody would ever know. Fuck. Three bullets, nobody would know. All I have to do is sit tight for 10 minutes, wipe down the fucking doorknobs,

and just get the fuck out of here. And pray to God, nobody comes out of their house. And you're not that stupid. You're like, what are the yards of that happening? There's always some old lady looking out of her, fucking window. You were watching Law & Order? A lot.

And then it takes a four days to remember. It was on white car. How do you know? Because, you know, my husband drove the same one. We're looking for a 64 Jerry Impala. Something fucking stupid. Who knows? But something like that came through my mind.

I giggled. I was happy. I wasn't in that house no more. I got in the car and I fucking left. And I don't remember correctly, but I already had the Coke gone. Like I had a piece of Coke at the house. Okay.

And that's all I gave a fuck at that time. So, at the end, look who won. Nikki Skinner, Jim Nunya, Elliot Smith, bad motherfucker, Caleb Furr, Cesar Santana, Billy Hoosner, Tony BBF3, Jarvis Mino,

Holly H. And my main man, Tony Capacola, always throwing fucking heat. You know, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. But listen, man, like I was talking to my wife today we were sitting in the kitchen. And I explained to her today that that little thing that I had growing up

that always paying attention, I've always had that guys. And it's a blessing. I'm not going to lie to you. I think that if I have anything good going for me, it was always my eyes, Lee. Honest to God. honest to God

I love that shit I live for that shit you know when I drive back from the store I can make a ride and I always drive past your house and make a ride on your block just to check on you

thank you I don't beep because I'm a gentleman I don't act like a fucking animal anymore 20 years ago or I would have beeped out in front of it and called you at the same time then left made you come down and left

told you had some KFC for you and then left So no, no, no, no. Every night, I love all that shit. I love watching. You know, I sit on my port sometimes and I see, who would watch somebody breaking into my house? There's only one fucking window.

It's terrible. You know, all the other windows are covered. So you could be, you know, it's just a shame. So I was telling my wife, that guy, we got that fucking ring. Yeah. We got the other ring ring with the fucking, the whole light, the taping, and the whole thing. You need 10 fucking things now.

And now, listen, man, on, listen, 9-11, the world changed, and on Monday, the world changed again. The world really changed again. They hit us where we always thought

would never happen. We always thought if they hit Las Vegas, it was going to be a complete different way. Maddie out, Mayweather, whatever, a big UFC once the Raiders got there,

you know, I mean, there's something going on in Vegas every goddamn week, but this was fucking out of the blue. Right.

I think we're going to see metal detectors. And I, for one, don't care about that at all. I mean, it's going to take a while to get through.

It's going to suck. Listen, guys, every time, I'm flying back on a Sunday or I'm leaving there. But the time I get to the security point, if I tell you something, honestly, I always think I'm going to die. Every time I put my luggage on that security thing, that little sleep ap in your pouch.

Right. Why do you think you're going to die? I think right there I'm going to hear, Viva ISIS. And some guy's going to fucking, some guys are going to pull a grenade out of his fucking jacket, and there I go, getting hit by a chair or something. Or some dude's cane or something. something like that.

Right. I swear to God, I'm not going to lie. Even at Burbank Airport, I can be by myself. And as soon as I'm walking out, I'm expecting the guy to say, Viva, whatever the fuck. ISIS, and there I go. And that's it. 22 wounded at Burbank Airport. Disgusting comedian Joey Diaz found his fucking fat little feet hanging off.

His fungi toes still lives forever. Oh, my God. But every time I'm fucking flying, I think I'm going to fucking get iced. Fuck. Every time. Right there at the airport. Right at that fucking TSA gate. And if you want me to lie to you, I lie to you.

But I'm not lying to you. I'm telling you that this is fucking crazy. That's how scared I am. And now it raised my fear just a little bit more. As an American, as a comedian. Who goes to Vegas all the time? Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, this is part of it.

This is part of it. This is part of the fucking game, man. I mean, I grew up. I grew up. We went to Disney World all the time. I was very lucky. You probably would love to take your daughter there. I mean...

Listen, when is that one going to happen? When are they going to hit an NFL game? When are they going to have a baseball game? When is somebody going to, you know, when is the next thing? Now, is this going to be avoided by all the... weapons. Is this going to be avoided by metal detectors at the stadiums? How? That's it.

That's it. You know, 20 years ago was the Oklahoma bomber? What do? Drive a car. They'd leave bombs under the building. Or bombs in the car? It's a different level now, guys. And now, you know, what happened?

What was the one you just mentioned? Edmonton where the car drove. Yeah. Listen, when I'm walking now, guys, listen, if you listen to the church, do me a favor. keep that fucking phone in your pocket do me a favor ain't nobody funny enough

is there's no important there's nothing as important as your fucking life nothing as important in your life you get to a street corner you put your fucking phone

in your pocket you look straight ahead it's just like when you were a kid what would I tell you left right left whatever we're going back to kids stuff man we gotta go back to fucking

basics in our life. You see something. You know, again, dirty fucking bags? How many bags? Did you say? I think it was dirty. I'll Google. Dirty bags upstairs, inside and out. Not one camera caught that.

Three days. He got there on a fucking Thursday. He went fucking bananas on Sunday. So over three days, he carried 30 bags up and down and nobody caught this. This looks suspicious. Come on, guys. Paying attention, man. Our heads and our fucking ass. And if we don't have the phone in our head,

we're thinking about a fucking dumb, stupid, what's that binge watch we're going to do over the weekend. It's bad. And as a logical American, you're like, well, wait a second. I just won't go out. Tell them what the fuck? Tell them what are you going to do? Live in Cambodia for the rest of your fucking life?

You got to, you got to go out. You got to stand for something. I feel terrible. I feel terrible the last fucking three days. And I don't know anybody. I don't. I just dream of, it's unimaginable thinking of being there.

Close your eyes for a second. And thinking of being at any outdoor concert, anything, it could be anything. You know, Ozzy Fest, fucking whatever, this, the 810, any outdoor festival. Can you imagine this guys? like I told you guys earlier

you never dreamed 20 years ago that there was going to be medical marijuana and someday you were going to walk into a store and talk to people well now it's unimaginable that you know people getting shot out of a fucking beautiful

hotel in Las Vegas window but on the bright motherfucking side let me tell you what's cracklecking Tampa I'll be slinging dick next week at the Tampa Improv Thursday, Friday, Saturday and then the following week at On Broadway in Lexington, Kentucky.

I'll be over there with the motherfucking Wildcats. They got two Cuban restaurants over there in fucking Lexington, and that's how we do it. I'm happy you guys listen to Monday's podcast with Nick when we discuss the Yankees, and I hope you guys watch me when I tweeted his Periscope.

He's a fucking lunatic. Let me tell you something. If he got it together and put a service together for April, May, June, July, August for baseball, I would pay $5 a month a month to watch him twice a week, go crazy. He's that funny. He's that fucking, and he's knowledgeable as fuck about baseball. I've seen some of his footage on YouTube of him. doing MLB tonight and shit like that,

he knows the fucking game. He's hysterical. I just don't know the game, so I can't. If I knew the fucking game of baseball, I would love to go back and forth with him about baseball. Where was he, 35 fucking years ago? When I knew everything about baseball, I knew refra, I knew umpires.

I swear to God, I knew the fucking umpires when I was a kidley. For the Major League? For the Major League? Jesus Christ. American League for the Boston Red Sox. because that's who I watch religiously. Right.

And for the National League, I would watch the Mets. But then I started watching them for the playoffs. I mean, I started to give some session when I was five. Right. So I started watching other things. I started watching the umpires. Who are the umpires that are fucking there when my team loses? And you'll put the Malook on them or something?

No, they put the Malook on themselves. I watch it. I go fuck this. I'm not going to watch this game. Because this cock suck is behind the plate, We're going to die a slow death. There's an NFL ref that has that right now. People hate him with like Donahy or something.

Yeah. They hate him. They think he's making it all about himself. But yeah, Nick is amazing. It's kind of fucking crazy that, that I don't even know what the fuck I was going to say. The ref, what were you talking about? Nick.

Nick. No, it's crazy how knowledgeable he is. And he'll take you all the way back. He'll take you to those series. batting averages, rotation, the bullpen. It's just fucking amazing. I don't know who holds all that knowledge.

But anyway, let me talk to you something real quick and I'll get you out of your fucking wind and you go fucking jump up and down and go have a great weekend. But don't forget, next week, Tampa Improv. But the most important thing is I'm happy you motherfuckers are on here.

You're listening and your fucking family. You're showing up at the fucking shows. Some guy gave me a container fucking weed and four cushies the other day. I got a bag of mushrooms. I got a bunch of shit in Pittsburgh. They don't fuck around. People are so generous. Sure. Stop being so generous,

please. I keep forgetting to bring the mushrooms for you. Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm going to try to clean them for you. Thank you. That's all I ask. And then what I'm going to do is I'm going to do something else for you. Okay. I'm going to bring nice chocolate, not T.HC. Chocolotter. Today I could have been a scumb back to you. You could have. They have cookies and cream. No, no, no.

They have No, listen to me. They have vanilla ice cream cake. 200 million grams TAC bars. The only thing I didn't like about them is too big of a ball. It's a little too much chocolate. Fair enough. But they say it's like a French chocolate, very fine, very refined.

So I may bring it for you for fucking Monday night's podcast, a Sunday night's podcast, whatever the fuck we decide to do. You're looking good, soldier. Look at you. Trying, man. You got the little spots tonight, but everything's working out. Tell this new blood's good. Like I said, I watched that fucking Yankee game last night.

When I went swimming with my daughter, when I had it on, because for some reason I got MLB, whatever the fuck, and serious in the car. So it was 3-0. And by the time I was making the turn, it was 3-3, maybe or something. It was tied up. Okay. I don't know what it was.

But I knew the Yankees didn't stay losing for long. It was 4-3, something fucking crazy. Then I did some shit. We ate dinner, we talked, homework. And then I went back, and I could say it they were winning like 8 to 4 or something. It was kind of nice. I watched baseball for the first time. You know, I didn't bet it.

Did I bet it? No, I didn't fucking bet it. But if I would, let me tell you something, all right? It's baseball playoffs. Then you got the World Series. Not to mention, right now, that's it. What week is it? Week four.

Five? Week five is coming up. That means the soft line. and whatever's going to happen already happened. You got September out of the way. Professionals, no, only amateurs gamble in fucking September. October is when it starts, because guess what else is coming down the pipe. Bam!

Hoops! The NB motherfucking A, right? And why? Let me ask you a question. You sit there, you read the papers, you do a bunch of things, you do all this analytical stuff. And let's say you worked hard to have a winner. And what are you going to do? What good is having a winner?

is not having somebody reliable to put your bet in width. That's why I always tell people to go to my bookie.ag. My bookie has been in business for years. Their rep is rock solid. I think it was Lee and a different friend of mine did business with them. Listen, they do 100% cash bonuses, so off the bat, you're making money for doing nothing. And they have the fastest payouts.

Seriously, just two business days. You know who's going to win? Yeah, right, that's great. You did all the work. Lay down the cash and win big today. I would recommend the service to my listeners that have been good to me. If you're going to fucking put some action in this weekend, my bookie. That's why I'm urging you to make your way to my bookie.

You know why? You win, they pay, you collect somebody suca la mink, and there you have it. They have in-game live betting, the most rewarding player perks in the big. business and an all new. You ready for this one? Mobile site that makes wagering on the go a fucking breeze. Bam! You got a sudden urge to win a yard sticker to?

Go to my bookie.orgie. Now let me tell you what I'm going to do for you, all right? Because you know, I love you, motherfuckers. I want you to make money. I want you to have money for the holiday. Is this the time of the year? You put away a yardstick every week. You get one game.

You lay everything you got on that motherfucker. You believe in that motherfucker. If you do that 11 times, you're going to be 7 and 4. That means you're going to be what? Seven net fucking winners. So if you bet out 200 a week, that means $1,400, bam, there you're going to Christmas. They got to fucking kiss your feet. You follow what I'm saying to you?

You want to make a little dough and gamble and get paid with no drama? Here we go. Go to MyBooky, right? Join now in mybooky.orgie. We'll match your deposit with up to 100% bonus of your friend. deposit up to $1,000. Are you ready? Did you hear what I just said to you?

Join now and my bookie will match your deposit with up to 100% bonus of your first deposit of up to $1,000. Use promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H to activate the offer. Visit MyBooky, AG. Use promo code church today. You play, you win, you get paid, all right? visit my bookie capital M, capital B, dot capital A, G. Today use promo code church.

I know a lot of you motherfuckers. Joe, is it lowcase, uppercase? I don't know. It's a big M and a big B and a big A and a big G. You play, you win, you get paid. Cucksuckers, beautiful. Here you go. You ready to rock?

Listen to me. Is that time of the year? The holidays are coming. You want to be nice. Halloween. Right? Then you have the little pilgrim. Then you got a little, what's it, what's a Jewish holiday over December? Hanukkah.

Honica. Then you got Christmas. Then you got New Year's. You want to be sharp from head to toe. You want to feel good, right? You want to look good in your underway and you want to be comfortable, right? You don't want no drama. You don't want something tight. I hate trauma. It's up your fucking stomach. Your nuts sack. You got to pull it out when you're sitting there trying to enjoy your lasagna. But that perfect is hard.

but don't sacrifice style or comfort. Check out meondies.com and find the best pair of underwear in the world. Meandies will be the most comfortable pair underwear you'll ever own, made from a sustainable sourced, natural soft fabric that is three times, you ready? Three times softer than cotton. You know who's going to vouch for them?

Me. I live all fucking meandis. Ultimate feel good on these for when you want to feel naked, but not be naked. For fellas, me on these diamond seam pouched pranels, your jewels, and gives the stuff support it needs without feeling too tight. Like I said, nothing gets caught up in a nut set. Ladies will love the soft, eco-friendly fabric. So soft.

Intouchable. 100% money-back guarantee. They guarantee you love your undies or your money-back. Listen, right now, Mionis is an exclusive offer for you, Sabin, just because I love you. You get 20% off your first pair. And, you ready? Free shipping right to your door. And Mionis is so sure you'll love the underwear.

They'll even offer 100% satisfaction guarantee. You order a pair. If you don't love the first pair, boom. You get a full refund. No questions asked. Listen, don't be sending underwear back with skid marks. Because I have down 9-1-1. That's soft.

salt in some states. Listen, there's a no-brainer. Try 20% off free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. What the hell are you waiting for? To get your 20% off

free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee and get the best and softest underwear you'll ever own, go to meondis.com slash joey. Again, that's meondies.com. slash Joey. There's a limited time offer.

So no, listen, I'm telling you right now, you want to look sharp. Don't keep me, what are you waiting for? Start wearing the best underwear in your life. It changed my life. I wear them to Jiu-Jit too every time I go. It's time to let me Yundis change your life. Go to meandis.com slash Joey right now. I want to thank my main man, Lysayat.

I want to thank my man Nick Totoro. And I want to thank you motherfuckers, Bobby Sharon, Lillingerus. You know, there's a bunch of D in Colorado. There's a bunch you fucking savages. Leon, you know, I love you. Cleo, Ouki Spooky, still in charge of the fucking bees' nest. You know what I'm saying?

You fuck around with Ouki. Next thing you know, you get stung by 92 fucking bees and shit. Anyway, have a great weekend. And let me tell you, Zuh, hit it, Lee. Get up, cocksuckers, it's all over. Listen, we had a rough couple of months. Fucking Katrina's cousin Maria. The other one, Puerto Rico.

Houston, fucking Florida. Listen, it's been tough up to now. The earthquake in Mexico, you know, the White House, whoever the fuck is going on. But it don't matter. They want to shoot. It's time for us to fucking shoot,

cuckers. They want to get down and dirty. Don't forget who the fuck we are. You understand me? We're the baddest motherfuckers out there. You send the message to that fucking North Korean. He's going to be sniffing my dick and suck in my asshole

that's the focus we're going to North Korea in like a year it's gonna be an island it's gonna glow in the dark you know why because we're Americans cock suckers who the fuck you think you're dealing with stop with the gun control

they're selling more guns than ever the last three days stop with the fucking whining stop with the Russians on Facebook I don't give a fuck worry about yourself keep your eyes open and get the fuck off Snapchat and fucking talk

Play the kind of thucker. Stay black.