The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #523 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: October 9, 2017

Steve Simeone, Comedian and writer, seen on Comedy Central's "This Is Not Happening" and heard as the host of the, "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. MyBookie.ag - Join now and MYBookie.ag will match your deposit with up to a 100% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer.   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first order.   Recorded on 10/08/2017.

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October 8. The day the devil was buried in C. Mr. Runny's birthday. and it's your lucky day, motherfuckers. It's the church of what's happened now. Two white dudes that sound black from Philadelphia. And it ain't Rocky Bob Boa, bitch. It's hauling oats.

It's my man Steve Simone, the Christ killer. And this is one of Ralphie's favorite songs. He would wiggle and shit. The fucking floor would shake. Greetings, you bad motherfuckers. Before we even start the podcast, Obviously you guys have heard the horrible news. Our dear friend passed on Friday.

A lot of you people hit me up and said if we could do like a memorial podcast. And I was going to have a bunch of people come in and call in and stuff like that. You know what? I knew about for 20 years. I could do a fucking thing on them by myself. Backwards, I got my little brother Steve Simone, who's got a heart of gold. And the fucking Christ Killers here as usual. Fucked up to the gills.

What's happening, gentlemen? How are you, Joey? Good, good. You know, Friday, I'm in Jiu-Jitsu. I walk out the door. I got no calls. I get in the car. I start the car.

And, also, I got a call from a dear friend. And when I answered, she was crying. And I knew right there what she was crying about because she spoke to Ralphie all the time. It was his longtime friend and publisher Stacey Pocaludo. And, you know, I came up with Stacy and I heard her crying and I knew right away. I drove home. You called at one point. the phone started ringing.

She told me not to say nothing because the family didn't know yet, but it was too late. But the time I got home, TMZ had released it, and then the phone started ringing. And then I just sat there fucking confused. I didn't know. I couldn't put the pieces together.

I called my wife. She was at Target. She fucking lost it. You know, my wife loved him to death. You know, he gave us a crib. You know, we didn't ask him for a fucking crib. And he goes, yeah, I'm going to give you something for the baby. and all of some fucking UPS is not going to do it with a fucking crib

that's worth $10,000 with buttons and it was just so I knew it was going to kill her. He knew what she liked, the southern shit that they grew up on. So then, like, she was crying about that. He's the only one who knew with mud pies, one of some shit, you know. But it was even sad, and then the call started coming in from all over.

I called my brother George, who was walking into our grandmother's wake. Oh, God. And I go, you ready? I go, I even got worse news for you, George. Ralphie's gone. And, you know, he called me on later that night. He was dealing with his grandmother's fucking death.

And all of a sudden I piled Ralphie on him. And I felt bad after I did it, but I didn't want him to hear it somewhere. Yeah, he had to. I called my friend Pete in Houston, who was a dear friend of Ralphie's Pete Pirelli. Did you ever get to meet Pete Pirelli? People don't like him. I love him to death. He was one of the first guys that headlined me, and he loved Ralphies.

And that's how it went down. Friday was basically just a shock. And then Friday night was when it got worse. A little when I started realizing what was going on when Ari called and Josh Wolf called late night. And I had spoken to Josh that afternoon after it happened. He was upset. And next thing, you know, fucking Saratiana called. And I tried to butter her up and tell her, don't worry.

I got that edible for you. That's what stopped up from crying. And then Saturday, you know, I had to do kid stuff. And every once in a while I would realize, for people who have experienced death before, and a lot of you have, you know, it's a magnitude of emotion, and then you go numb, and then time is the healer. You know, what's the, whatever in levels, you get better in levels, you know.

But the number one thing is coming to grips with it. Like my body and mind still haven't come, because I wouldn't talk to him sometimes before days of the shot. So my body's just, you know, he was, supposed to come into LA last week. The plan was for him to come in LA last week. If you looked at the comedy store on Tuesday,

he had a spot at the store Tuesday night. Wow. So we were going to try to do the podcast Wednesday, and then he was going to fly back because he was going to get the comedian of the year. So when I went, I didn't think about him coming in. I assume he's doing a podcast Wednesday. So when I went to the store Tuesday night, you know, when you're

at the store, you go down there who wants to take a picture, you bump into somebody you haven't seen a while, Yeah. Next year you're getting your car without knowing. You know, I got here at 6.30 today without my bag. I came all, you know, sometimes you have so much on your mind. Absolutely. And I got in the car and headed up Laurel Canyon.

The next thing you know, fucking, when I get to the house, I'm laying in bed with the sleep at me a mask. I'm like, put a second. But I forget. I didn't see Ralphie today. So the first thing, Wednesday morning, I called just to make sure I didn't know if he had the kids, you know, Tuesday, and then he went over or something. And he said, no, that he, uh,

didn't feel well. He had the pneumonia. But he had a different angle to him. I could always make him laugh. And on this day, I couldn't make him laugh. Something wasn't right. And I hung up on him. I didn't think nothing odd.

I just thought maybe he'd be having a bad day. And I came on and I told Lee that night. We had a podcast Wednesday night by ourselves. And I sat here and I told Lee that I didn't think Ralphie had much time. Didn't have anything to do with pneumonia. Yeah. It didn't have nothing to do with that. It had to do with a tone in your voice that I recognized.

One day when I was a kid, I fucking was leaving the house. Getting ready to leave. You know, you're getting ready to leave in the phone rings, and we had no caller idea in those days. Yeah. I went and I picked up the phone. It was my mom. And she goes, I'm here.

I'm going to get something to eat, and then I'm going to come home because I don't feel good. But I'll never forget I left the house thinking, hmm. You can feel it. voice sounded weird. I didn't know then until years later that she died that night. Well, Ralphie had his, it wasn't a heart attack, it wasn't congestive heart failure. It wasn't, it's what the Chinese call you die of a broken heart. You die from the inside out.

Sometimes so many things are going on in your life and at one point something just strikes you and you ain't coming back from that. It's not a depression. It's a different level. It's the level that I don't want to do this no more. That's a complete different level than depression. Yeah. The level when, you know, you know why they found him. He missed radio.

He didn't go to radio. Thursday morning. Unbelievable. So, you know, I know he's in a better spot. I know the last couple years have been living with a lot of pain, so now he's pain free. You know, things happen in your life sometimes. especially during a divorce

that you can't believe are happening. You are not going to believe this is happening. And if your faith is fucked up and if things are going on wrong, it pushes past the boundary and you don't come back from that boundary. After my divorce, I had a hard time, guys.

If it wasn't, this is a stupid thing, but comedy saved my life, guys. I'm telling Lee, Steve Simone, the people at home, comedy saved my life in a weird way. Yeah. in a weird fucking way because the divorce killed me. The divorce was one thing.

The kids, my daughter, that whole thing in the beginning, I couldn't handle this. But it's not like I'm in a Liam Neeson movie and somebody took my kid. It's the person closest to you. That hurts from a different angle. I'm not saying anything bad about anybody, but I'm just saying during a divorce,

when you have children involved and they start becoming a pawn in the divorce, it takes away from you you know he didn't want to come here anymore he didn't want to read for TV shows he was done you know the road sales you could if you look at his things it's not like he tweeted

his dates he could care less if you showed his fucking shows you know it was something and I tried to go on the road with him about two years ago I offered to go open for him and to walk in the daytime I remember that I said listen I'll take the money cut it's not about the paper

But it's what the amount of things I learned from watching Ralphie, you know, it doesn't take, I said this a thousand times, you know, it doesn't take a fucking book or anything to learn about people, especially with comedy. You know, like the amount of stuff I learned from Ralphie was, it was like going a fucking, what's that pasta place? What's the endless bowl? Yeah, Olive Garden. Olive Garden. And that's what Ralphie was my olive garden when it came to comedy. You would ask Ralphie anything about comedy. Ralphie looked like a big fat putts to the human eye.

But when it came to stand-up comedy, he had clothing down. He had... Genius. Eye levels down. Encyclopedia of knowledge. You know, he wanted you to switch by the channel, so he wanted you to put on a yellow leather jacket. That's why he wore that craziness. You know, he was a genius at a different fucking level.

And listen, a lot of... Comics didn't like him. He had a big finger pointed him out of Houston that he was a joke thief. Listen to the beginning, we all make mistakes in comedy. You know, I heard things 10 years ago, but I don't know about those specials. Those specials are solid. The first three or four of them were fucking solid. I don't know. Bigger and blacker and all that shit. That shit made me laugh. So that doesn't matter when you're in a casket. You want me to tell what mattered how he treated 200, of us.

Yeah. How he treated. Everybody. Everybody. 200 of us. That's the thing, Joey. When I think of Ralphie, I know he was a brilliant comic, but I don't even think of that. I don't even think of Ralphie on stage.

No, no, no. I think of you could feel his warmth. He cared about people, and you could feel it. When he talked to you, he was there. You know what I mean? He wasn't one of those guys looking over your shoulders. Somebody else coming in the room. Is somebody else more important to talk to?

His heart was open when he communicated. with you. It's, like I was telling you guys before this show, I was here a couple months, and all of a sudden this chubby kid appeared, everybody said he was fucking hilarious, and Mitzie Shaw put him on, and I could tell it was a hard time for him to walk. And I would talk to him, I didn't know who the fuck he was, he just had a southern twang to him, and I would talk to him. And one Thanksgiving, I got a call from Maryland, Martinez, God rest of soul.

God rest her soul. And she said, Joey Medina was having a barbecue over his house. Ralphie was cooking. And I go, who's the fucking kid, Ralphie? And I get over and I walk, and I told me, I told me, I told me the story. I walked in and there's this kid on a fucking futon. That's when futons were hot. But he had broken the futon.

And he had a big blanket on him, and he was jovial. And, you know, they didn't have much, but what they had, they shared it with you. You know, I had nothing at the time. I had fucking nothing. I was just a death mention, whatever the fuck you call. all those things, living off comedy and the $15 at the store, and here I am at this house. I knew Joey Medine, I knew Alex Ramundo,

who's the opener for Ron White now. I knew him, you know, and we would all talk and stuff, and I'd never forget leaving, they're going, this is fucking crazy. I don't even know these people. And I just was there for five hours and I had a blast. And that fucking fat kid's a blast. And he smoked dope.

He was very pot-ish, and he had different times. of weed and shit and I was like wow and then he signed with a manager who had cancer okay she was dying after he signed with she was diagnosed with cancer but I'm at the store I'm snort and blow now Stanhope is good friends with Ralphie so everybody who went through the Stanhope route like I did you stayed with Stanhope for a while then you blossom down Ralphie I think stayed with Stanhope for a while yes because one day I got a a call from Stanhope

saying that he couldn't find Ralphie that he came home and Ralphie was making out with his mother and he yelled out of and Ralphie left embarrassed with Stanhope's mother yeah she's like 60 at the time so Ralphie calls me back he's fucking lying he'll make out with his mother

Bonnie Earmuffs got rest of so she had fake tits from the 50s fucking hysterical this is just so she lived so Ralphie Doug Stanhope had an apartment How old was that being? A baby.

Doug Stanhope had an apartment, 25. Because I'm 50, 45. So I'm nine years as elder. So 98, I had to be 30-something. Yeah, he was a baby. He was a baby. So he's on fire. He's a regular at the store.

He's a regular at the improv. He walks into the laugh factory and bam. The only do they make him a regular there, but they fucking, Jamie Massada signs him on the spot. Wow. He tells Jamie, well, you know, I'm a good old boy, and I'm already with the manager. And Jamie goes, yeah, but she's dying of cancer.

Oh, my God. And Ralphie's like, yeah, but I got to finish out my commitment with her and stuff. He goes, I'll get back to you. This is just too much for me. So he walks, he comes to the condo store, and it's a Sunday night. I'm hosting maybe, you know, there was nobody out on the patio. Nothing.

And he's sitting there sad as fuck with his little chubby cheeks. You know, he's just a baby. I'm snort and blow. I'm a wild man. Yeah. And he comes up to me, he goes, can I ask you a personal question? You've done this and you've done that. He tells me the girl, you know, he's a Christian man, Ralphie.

Yeah. He looks me straight in the face and he goes, I signed with this manager, and she's dying to cancer. I don't know how much time she's got left. I can't fire her. but Jim Misada wants to sign me and it's an opportunity of a lifetime I go he goes what should I do Joey

I looked at him and I go listen she's got one from the great one of banana peel send her a note and sign with Jim Missada he looked at me for a second maybe three seconds and then lost it he lost it he just started laughing his ass off

He's that's the funniest thing I ever heard, Coco. Coco. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, yeah, that was it. That's exactly the same tone. That's exactly it. That's the funniest thing I ever heard, Coco. Okay, so now I end up at his house fucking four nights a week,

drinking him and Jody Furting and John Wesleyan had this fucking vodka, and they would bring up the fucking... Bloody Mary mix from Houston. I remember the last number. You remember that shit? You used to tell, they would do a whole run to the... A whole run to Houston. Yeah.

And get the bottles of that shit. And they'd get Caso. And then we would sit there. This is way before. This was none. John was there already. Me, Jody and Ralphie Mae would drink a bottle of vodka with that bloody Mary mix. I'd be in the back room sneaking bumps.

You know, he never judged me. He never really... It was nothing. like that. It was nothing like that. It was just, he was just a regular guy. Then he asked me where I was from and I would tell him Carmine about this before I told anybody

anything. Yeah. Like, I never told anybody anything. Where you're from Jersey? Well, my town play football. That's it. Nobody knew nothing. And one night, one night, we just asked me. And I just started telling him Georgie stories and Carmine Balzano stories and

stories of me growing up in my mother's box. So we left it at that. Okay? he tells me one day like a month later he goes cow cow one day I'm gonna come up to this North Bergen

you know whatever the fuck he says to me I'm like she goes I'm gonna be in Jersey in August this Sunday he goes I'm bringing my car I'm gonna drive up to North Bergen

and see if this shit's real wow okay something happens bro and I get a call to do Jersey like that whole run I used to do like Buffalo and where I am I

I'm in North Bergen it's the summer 99. Wow. And I had my pager, and sure not the pager goes off when it's Ralphie, and he's like, you're not going to believe this. I'm on 48th Street

and Kennedy Boulevard headed up to Ashways on 76. You know, he's telling me on this. I'm like, listen, before you go to Ashways, pull over on 69th Street, I'll be on the corner. What are you talking about? I said, I'm in town. Wow. I could hear that he's like, I'll be

right there. And all surviving invention. to Georgie's house, he picked me up, I introduced him to George. This is way before last comic standing. Yeah. This is a while before comic standing. And I took him to a place called Hashways Deli, where I had grown up on, everybody has their personal deli. This was my deli, and I was very proud of the rose beef onto rye.

I would put it up against anybody, and I also put up the rice pudding up against anybody. Gotcha. Like, that's what they were known for. The rose beef and the rice pudding. And if I brag about it, it's because you're going to go. blind when you eat it. Yes. And I took him to Hashways.

He fucking had the roast beef. You know, he's 600 pounds, dog. That's a different patois. He's from Houston. I'm taking him to North Bergen. I'm taking him to beep. What did he think? His head blew up.

He became friends with the Hashways, and then he got to the point that every time he'd be in the area, he'd just go to Hashways and pick up a gallon of fucking rice pudding. Wow. They give him a container of whipped cream. That's great. They give him a can of whipped cream, and they give him a little thing of something.

cinnamon. That's how he liked it. That's the type of guy Ralphie was. Then one day, I got a call from Vanieri. The kid I grew up with, who's the Assemblyman? And he goes, die. I just got a fucking, some big fat guy came in here yelling about North Bergen

rules and shit. He says his name is Ralphie Mae. He's right outside. I go, yeah, bro, that's family. I go, you're done. You're just meeting family. But I introduced him to George. I was going to have George called in tonight, but George is working in the New York Comic-Con. You know, and in their relationship, they're at giant games.

Yeah. That's the type of guy Ralphie was. He made friends. If he was my brother, Ralphie took care of him. Yeah. Never mind. This went on while he was broke. I'll never forget 9-11.

We were at Ralphie's house. He made a gumbo. Wow. On 9-11, that night, he made a gumbo for me, Jay Moore, Jody, a bunch of people over there. Mike Favorman. Wow. 9-11 gumbo.

9-11 gumbo broke broke he'd give you the last fucking dollar off his shit yeah i still remember a night going over there i had never heard of this guys i had never seen it before i am fucked up in those days i lived in my car it was between my car and ralphi's apartment and i would park the car at night and pulled the seat back on vista between el compadre and between vista and between vista and whatever that street was, Elcom Padres on sunset. Gardner. Sunset and Gardner, I would park 50 yards from Josh Wolves' apartment. I had a blanket.

I would, whatever Coke I had left over, I would polish it off out there, and then I'd pop the seat back. I put the air conditioner on, and I wait until I got horny, and I jerk off two or three times in the car. People would be walking their dog past me at four in the morning. I'd be in the car pulling my yanker. And then I'd come in the blanket and walk the route for you. house and it must have been four or something in the morning because I would never go to Ralphie's coked up I would always wait to come down

or at least look like he would always leave the door open for me for me just to slip in at night and he put a pillow on the floor and that's exactly what I would do I'd come with that cummy blanket and I'd throw it over me with the pillow and I'd sleep right there bro no shame I was doing it for comedy

and he was the guy that was helping me but one night I'm coming over there and I come around the bed and I hear voices and I see smoke like there's a little fire I turned in and it's him Jane Moore Teddy

Gavin Boyd there must have been 10 motherfuckers back there 5 in the morning deep frying the turkey it's great I'd never heard of that Lee

all right when he pulled that turkey out an hour later and let it sit now it's daylight they're getting beers and shit nobody was doing blood this was not a cocaine

Crout. It was Ralphie. He was cooking a turkey. It's probably delicious. It was delicious. I never tasted anything like that's the first time. Then after that I bugged them for years to make that fucking thing. Let's do it again.

That was one of the best morning, you know. Listen, man, I'm doing comedy now and everything's good and I have a family. But I told you guys, I would give my finger to go back to that life for a week with him in that apartment. it because it was real camaraderie and he had no reason to love me and I had no reason to love him before the money before the career this is anything just love that just love it was based on love it's all we need and he had people over there he listen he brought john wessling up he brought jody ferdig up he brought selina you know i mean this was a click from houston that was just and he introduced him to me until today they're my family i mean we love

lost Celine earlier this year and Jody's doing her thing and Gentry's doing her thing and you know but I still talk to Stacy that's throughout this whole thing that's who's been there for me you know I'm getting all my information basically from there and I feel bad for her

you know I might have to hire just out of what Ralphie did for me because she's out of a job you know and Ralphie's assistant who just had a baby and he just lost his job with Ralphie and the insurance Ralphie was providing for him.

So there's a lot of, and then you gotta think about the two children, you know, and what's going on there. And, you know, it's one of those situations where I have a duty, you know. I have a duty to check up on him, and talk to him and talk to the little boy. He's going to go through hell now.

Yeah. I know what a young man goes through when you lose your father, you know, especially when he was such a big figure and he meant so much to you. Yeah. So it's the effect that a death has because he had two families. He really, really, really was a gangster.

He had his home family. And his comedy family. And I got to tell you, man, you spoke to Ari? I left him a message. He went straight to voice mail. Yeah, he didn't sound too good. A lot of people ain't sounding too fucking good. He was so good to so many people, that's why.

You know, he was such a good person. He cared. We live in a world where a lot of people don't care. No, they don't give a fuck. I still remember my surgery to get the fat ball out. And I got the stitches in there and shit, and I got a fucking call upstairs. I didn't even have a cell phone. He called, like, the house phone.

He's like, hey, man, I'm downstairs on my dog. I just had surgery because I know that's why I got to see it. and I went downstairs and he handed me a stack of cash in a rubber band and he goes here so you don't have to worry about your surgery and you can relax it was a thousand dollars I took it upstairs I just gave it to my wife I go you're not gonna believe this look at this we needed the money like now like yesterday I'm meeting

and I go you're not gonna believe just what happened an angel just came to the fucking door exactly what it was you know there was a time where I got a flat tie he called me and wanted me to score what was the sushi place he went there remember he went to the most expensive He went to a sushi place in Hollywood guys.

Nobu or something? No, no, no, no. This is on Beverly off La Sienega. Like, it's just movie stars. Like, I remember him calling me going, I'm sitting two feet from Clint Eastwood. Wow. Like, when you go in there, it's a metal detector,

the whole fucking deal. When he first hit, when he got his $150,000 from Vegas, he took me there. And by that time he had gone there already three times, he was just thrown money at the Japanese way. or shit. No convey about Lee.

This is straight up gangster, okay? And one time I went into the chick from Marvel was in there. The chick that was in Rounders. She played the chick at the pool hall, real hot. Did you ever watch Rounders Lee? No. That day you never watched it, see? But I'm sure you watch some fucking movie or something.

Anyway, that chick is hot now. The chick from Rounders, the long-legged brunette. She's a, you'd see her. you see you. She played, I saw her in there with Ralphie one day. Every time I went in there, I didn't see movie stars. I saw movie stars. Yeah, the real deal.

Like, they were real deal. Like, he's seen Clintish Wood. I think as I was walking in one day, Tom Hanks was walking out. It's that type of stuff. Yeah. I don't even know this place. You know what I mean?

Like normal people don't even know. Yeah, yeah. You go to, you're on Leszegan and you make a left on Beverly. And it's right there. It's like a little Japanese house. and that's why you can't tell. It looks like a little Japanese house. They got like a little Japanese valet.

He takes the car and takes it underground. Nobody, like they'd nobody. And you walk in there, and he would walk in and go, and they would go, namaste, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Kukapa. Is it bar sushi? I don't know.

I wouldn't know the name of it, even if he told me. He would walk in, and they would be yelling all that shit. Yeah. And he'd go, must be the money. he would just yell Must be the money Oh that's hysterical And I would die

A fucking laughter When he first hit guys In 2005 Let's just say No In 2004 He was already banging Yeah

He was already banging I remember being on the road With Pauley We went to a little club And Chattanooga Called the Comedy Catch And it was right after Ralphie had done

last comic standing. And they told me that he sold out everything. They added shows and there were still lines down the block. And that was like 2003, 2004. Yes, yes. Right after last comedy stand. Because I couldn't do Houston with him because I was doing Spider-Man 2. And then something happened.

What the fuck happened? Something happened with him. And he got me a room in New York. Like he was just fucking hook and ball. When I got the longest yard, I got a week. I got a weekend or somewhere. I got a weekend on Rascals, Jersey City. And Ralphie called me. He goes, Doug, where are you staying? I go, no, no, no. I'm headlining Carolines. I got a room for a feature. I got an extra room. Stay in the extra room. So I stayed with him. And that was the time I went up there. I got there at 3 o'clock. He got there. And I got there like a 4. He was there at 3 o'clock. I go, what are you doing? He goes, nothing. I'm in the room waiting. Come on over. Let's order some food. I go over there. I open the fucking door. And he's got a bag of weed in front of him. He's been smoking

for 20 minutes. And there's candy wrappers everywhere. And that thing they leave at the hotel, you know, like when you go in there, they charge you $22 for a chocolate bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then baskets and stuff like that. Yeah. He had fucked it all up. Like the almonds, the fucking chocolate covered. We were howling. I go, Rafi, what the fuck? Oh, you know.

Co-co. Cout, you know. It was a nonstop. He helped me so much. You know, like this is, to normal people, people must be listening to me going, Joey sounds too calm for losing something. There's magnitude because I have not digested it. Right.

I've lost so many people that it still doesn't digest with me. I lost the buddy at the beginning of the summer. He's still alive in my brain. Yeah, this is one night when I'm coming home, I'm going to forget and I'm going to press this fucking number on my phone guys and that's what I'm going to remember and that's what it's all going to come to me

that I haven't heard his voice that he hasn't come on the podcast I'll never see him again you will in heaven I totally believe that for sure oh come on I ain't on the fucking heaven

they're going to put me in purgatory for a few thousand years he's trust in his mercy trust yeah no he's not going to take me right he's not going to ship me right there right away. I've got to play a fucking game. I got to go to Israel

and help the fucking slaves for 2,000 years and shit. It doesn't work. But you don't get, you don't let fat people in heaven. You've got to be like 180 or above. They don't want no problems if you get to heaven. They're taking it to a Christian fat camp. There's a weight limit

in heaven. Steve Simone, what's going on with you playing? This one, it's been a rough week, Joey. I'm going to be honest with you. No, I know. I know. I try not to be this person. you know, but I'm just trying to focus on all the joy Ralphie brought into the world. Yeah, that's why I haven't.

You know, like, legitimately. And thank God I wasn't closer to him, but it always made me feel good whenever we hung out. You know, he just had that energy where, uh, just made me feel good. Like, I remember him pulling into the comedy store last year and his, he had like a convertible BMW. He was some kind of sick car.

And it was just like, it kind of reminded me a little bit. of like when Rodney Dangerfield showed up at the country club and Caddyshack, like, oh, Ralphie's here. And it's like, bannabab, bam, bap, b'b, b'b, b'am, b'n b'n b'n b'n, you know what I mean? Yeah, you know what I mean? He's like, hand in out cash to the parking lot guys. And it was like, oh, the party's here. And then just the young guy's going, Stevie Simone, how you doing, player?

And then I know, me and Ralphie are in the middle of the parking lot. And then all the young door guys are like, oh, shit, Simone knows Ralphie Mae. And I'm like, yeah, how long have you? And I've known Ralphie since I started comedy. And I would totally Earlier today, just He had this way of just encouraging you You know?

Like I remember just he was always supportive of younger comics And the bigger, The bigger his star got, the more people he started to influence. Always, yeah. Always. And we would talk Because he was really not happy The last couple years.

And my phone would ring sometimes at odd hours. And I would just get on the phone and talk to him And I firmly believe. I'm not telling anybody else what to believe, but I think I'm praying that he has the piece now that he was searching for the last couple years, you know. And I believe it. Like in my heart, it makes me feel good.

I know he's in a better place. All I know is one thing, man. I know one thing for sure, guys, that at an early age I had a sadness in my heart, but the fucking people around me made me hobble with laughter. There is nothing like somebody making

you fucking die of laughter. Yeah, it's the best feeling in life. Now, with Ralphie Mae, it wasn't as much that he made me die of laughter is that how much he would leave himself open to a guy like me. Okay.

Like, when you meet me, do me a favor. If you like me, in time, tell me everything about you. Don't make me have to find something mile on this lie. It's like, one night I was here one night, and fucking, me and Lee were talking, and Lee was mad high. I hadn't seen Lee that high in a long time, and he got pale on me.

Pale. I mean, then I got scared. I thought he was quitting, or he's going to Boston to be with his mind. You know, it was like something came over him, and he told me the deepest, darkest secret of his soul. And he was like, you know, I hope we're cool. And, you know, you're always my brother. I don't give a fuck.

Yeah. But Lee got to know me so good. He's like, I'm going to tell Joey. Before Joey finds out, I'm going to tell him, you know, I used to be a tranny before. I'm just teasing you. I'm just teasing your butt. He never told me a certain.

When we first hung out together for years, he never fucking told me that about spellbindness. Okay. When comedy got really popular in the 90s, there was the lap stop, the lap spot, the comedy showcase. There was everything but an improv in Houston.

In Houston, yeah. But the club was Spellbinders. If you ever went to the Houston Improv 10 years ago when it first opened, it was the old Spell Binders. Okay. Ralphie was banned from Spell Binders because he fell to the stage and sued the club. All right. Now, her name was either Kim Cairns or Lynn Corns or something.

Somebody sang a song with Kim Cairns. Oh, yeah. So this lady was Lynn Cawls. Voices Carrie. Or whatever. So, Lynn Kahn's was the lady who booked the room. So when I found this information out, I didn't bust his balls. You know me, Doug.

I'm with him. We're getting high. And I, you know, and all of a sudden I look at him one day. Listen, I just put a tape in. You know, I, like, I worked them up. I just put a tape and over it. Spell binders. Can you recommend me?

you're baiting oh yeah you know like I would fucking him that way you know what I'm saying like did he the way you said it

did he know that you knew didn't know he didn't know I knew so now he's like he's got to tell to it so it's so it's me and him and he got to tell me

why he couldn't fuck in and he started right off with let me tell you what happened The stage was fucked up. You know what I'm saying? I went up there. My foot went through it.

And I can never walk the same. So I sued. So every time, anytime we get in a squeaky position, like we walk on upstairs and the stairs would go, I go, Ralphie's top. It's like spellbar in the stage.

Fuck you, Cucco. Fuck you, Cucco. You mess with a man's a munch of the cuck out. I sue him. I walk with a limb because of that dirty bitch. Like,

It's more mental. Nobody remembers who got me out of the biggest pinch ever in this town. Who got me out of the biggest pinch? I was going to get pinched for a sexual lewd act in public. Oh, my God. That means I would have had a register as a sex offender in 22,000 states. I can't even go to Puerto Rico and put a bikini on. And look for survivors, you're saying?

Even if I go to Puerto Rico, looking for survivors or a bikini on, I'd go to jail. So he fucking And I didn't do nothing I ate some chick's pussy At the fucking comedy club Remember that comedy club That fucking jam What Jay Davies ran

The way Dane Cook became a star Dublin's? Dublin's I ate some chick's pussy And I went on with a Coke rock And I took the eight ball You're just driving her So he had chicks pussy and Dublin You never do that?

Big deal, no Me I go to Dublin's at Rogan and Willie Bar Cicent Oh my gosh I go to dinner with Rogan to meet Willie Bar Center. This is the crew from fucking hell. What year's this? Oh, this had to be

the brink of 99, 2000, maybe March, because I started dating my wife two months after that. It was really awkward. Till this day, don't mention that bar around my wife, never.

He has a fucking heart attack because Jay Davis put it up on his website. And my wife... He put your business up on his website? Oh, mine and Holtsman, and my wife called me fucking upset.

so I had to call him. So the legend to the story is basically this. I show up with Rogan and Willie. We go to the Dublin, we all have a spot. Obviously, Jay Davis is an asshole. He puts Willie up, who just did 22 Tonight shows. He puts Rogan up, who's starting to get heat. And then he puts my fat ass in there,

and I just eat a bag of dicks. But the place is so packed. You can't even get out of there. It's tough to even describe to people what this place was in L.A. on a Tuesday night. And at the comedy store, it was African-American night. It was Joe Torrey night. So there was no white axe.

And you were calling for spots. But if they gave you a spot on Tuesday, you were pissed and you were white. Well, sometimes there was no audience. There was no parking. There was eight people. And there was no parking. All the hot comedy was at the Dublin.

If you wanted to get him a piece of ass, it was in the Dublin. You want to do blow. It was at the Dublin. You want to get an agent. You better be at the Dublin. Yeah. There's nothing like it now. It was that type of place, people.

There's nothing like it. Tuesday night, if you weren't at the Dublin, hang it out, you weren't dick. Yeah. You weren't dick. I wasn't a hangout type of guy, but Rogan got me a spot. He goes, you want to do a spot? I don't want to give me a spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Next thing you know, I'm following everybody. At Alonzo Bowden. Wow. Alonzo Bowden would kill that room. Would kill that room. I go up there, I eat a bag of shit. I get off stage. I can't even.

walk out in front of the crowd, not from the embarrassment, but just from the fucking, it was too crowded. Yeah, it couldn't get it. So I had to sit next to Alonzo Bowden and this dude with long hair who always had a bunch of women with him. He ran the club next to the fucking club I was at.

Years later, no, years earlier, he ran the club, but I met, Ahmed, and the big star, his fucking girlfriend, his ex-girlfriend. Vince Vaughn's ex-girlfriend. Vince Vaughn's ex-girlfriend. Wow.

So I'm at this club I hit the downstairs This is girl I start talking to her I got that animal magnetism She tells me she got some Tutsu-a-outes I got nothing

I got maybe $8 in my pocket I can't even get a drink Because I can't pay a tip I take it downstairs We do a couple blasts We go to the freezer room I put her on a keg I ask her right out

Anybody ever do A blast of coke off your little pussy And liquor? No nobody's ever done that one Take that bikini on Let's put that little monkey the work she went for the whole thing I put a Coke right into monkey

I ate it I had my cock out whacking off the whole fucking thing it was horrible but they had this on camera and also that little Hindu door buffed steroid guy opened up the door with three big black guys and like get out I put the coke in my sock and shit they took me upstairs I wouldn't get rid

of that coke I'm old school I'll hold on to this motherfucker there's got to be away they didn't handcuffed me so it was just security they didn't call the cops they called the cops The cops were on their way. They had them on tape. And the next thing you know, the girl's crying.

The other girl, she's with is crying. The guy with the long hair who thought he was Johnny Macho buying drinks. Here I am eating his girlfriend's asshole in the freezer. He's sitting there red in the face staring me down. And I'm like, what do you want me to do, guys? Am I throwing out of here? Can I leave? And they're like, no, we call the cops.

We're going to press charges and summons and shit. You know, I can't go through this shit. There's going to be some sexual shit. But I look up. It was Miyagi across the street. Yep. It was all you can eat sushi if he did a set. Yep.

So guess who's at all you could eat sushi? Ralphie Mae. I look up and I see Ralphie walking towards me, waddling across Sunset Boulevard. And when he crossed, he goes, what's going on? Coco, I go, listen, go get your car. Go get your car. And he's like, why?

Go get your car. They just call the cops. Why? I can't explain you. Go get your fucking car, Ralphie. Awesome. Billy Barst sent him Rogan come out. And they go, what's going on?

They called the cops. Rogan peeled off a $100 bill. He goes, call me from jail. You got my number. I'll go down there with Willie. Willie goes, call his bail bonds. And all of a sudden, I go, all right. And they're like, what happened?

I go, I don't know. We were eating a pussy. And they saw me on tape. So this girl's going to say something. You know what I got the tape. Nothing happened. I just ain't a monkey. You can see her pulling off her own panties, the whole thing.

Yeah. And the next thing, you know, I see the forerunner. Ralph. Ralph. Ralphie had the red forerunner with the silver bottom. And the fucking security guard was trying to talk to the girl. And the other guy was just amazed. It was Rogan from Fear Factor or something.

He was amazed at Rogan. News radio, whatever. And I'm right there. The truck is right there. And I fucking look. I look. I get right in the fucking truck. I close the door.

Go, Ralphie. Ralphie goes right around, stays right on sunset. And the next thing you know, we're on fucking sunset and Crescent Heights, which is sunset and Laurel Canyon. I go, Ralphie, just in case that follow. on us go past and hook that fucking right down we were right to I went to where Ralphie was living where I was living Martel it was it had to be nine o'clock at night I ate I lick some pussy and I came on with an A ball and I had a little bill and it was Ralphie who took me out of that mess wow no repercussions nothing nothing I was just banned from the club for life and

And then Brian Holtsman got banned a year later for throwing a chat. And that was it. It was me and him that were banned. Wow. I kind of remember the Holtsman's story. I didn't start hanging out to store it to 2001, really. Yeah, but you were there with Ralphie. I got, listen, I got the, I was only at the store four years before you.

It's not like I was there done yet. Right. I got there. Well, I remember when I got there, in February 97. Ralphie was already starting to just set up shop at the Laugh Factory. Yeah, he was killing him at the Laugh Factory. People coming to see them.

People wanted it. It was amazing guys. And then I remember, because I loved Ralphie right away. And you remember the Big Daddy guys? Yes, they gave us the closing. Yes. And I remember going, all right, I got another guy for you. Yeah.

Oh, it was your connection. I got you, then Ralphie, then Fat James. Wow. And I remember that. That goes back. Yep. And I remember Ralphie's just so cool. Steve Simone on this, because of all the guys I know that have love.

Steve has real love. I could tell when you called me the other day and you said, you just want to talk. You knew I wanted to talk. Yeah. Because this is how you remember all this shit. Here's how you remember what you've done with the guy. Another time, I see him at the store.

I got a late set. I got a package in my pocket. I got $40 or $50. He's telling me he already did this set. You know what? I don't give a fuck about doing my set here. You're going home around. He goes, yeah, I'm going home, smoke some play.

smoke some rebrand. You know what? I'm coming with you. We drive home. We drive to Sunset and Gardner. We parked the car. All right. We're talking. We're talking the whole way home. Babab boom, babab beam. We're going to do this.

We're going to do that, right? We pull over. He stops the car. We're still talking. You know, you've been in that conversation? You're still talking? It's the best. The next thing, you know, I open up my car door. I get out of the fucking car. We're still talking as I get out of the car.

Now I get out of the car. I slam the car door. I take three steps. I'm still talking. I start walking towards Ralphie's house. I'm still talking. I turn around. No fucking Ralphie.

Where was he? I look over. Ralphie fell. And he's on Gardner. And he's like, help, help me, right? So now I reach over and I try to pick him up with one hand. That's not going to work, right? Yeah.

So I got to get his hand and get his leather jacket. Yep. As I'm pulling them up, some lady by the fire department goes, leave him alone. I'm calling the police. I go, Ralphie, you got to get up because they think I'm going to be mugging you. He's like, I can't get up. Come on, I slipped on the plate. There was no plate there.

He just fell. This was his equilibrium was off. So I'm picking him up, picking him up, picking him up. I mean, the ladies, like, leave him alone. Call the police. Call the police. I'm like, Ralphie, get up. They call the fucking cops on us, you fuck.

Oh, my God. I walk on his apartment one day and the afternoon, and I'm happy to see him. He's back there, and he's got a screen up and a curtain in like another screen. Okay? He's got no shirt on it, and I walk in and he gives me the lips over the lips. What's going on? He goes, and all of a sudden, what's the guy's name? What's the pretty boy's name?

I did not know this. I did not know this What's the real pretty guy in Hollywood Not Leonardo Caprio But the other guy with the blonde hair Brad Pitt? No Fabio?

No The blonde hair short He did the movie About the fucking black people He played the attorney That's how his career got started A Time to Kill Good looking guy

Smokes Reefer Has Matthew McConae Yes Matthew McConaughey So I walk into Ralphies I don't know dick about dick people, okay? I'm just a, it's got to be 19, it's got to be 2001 to, I was the only person who was allowed in that house when Ralphie didn't have a shirt on. Like that's how much you trusted me at the time.

That's love. I walk in, Ralphie kind of covers up. He forgot he'd left the door open and he's like, shh. And I go, what's the matter? He goes, shh. And also he's like, Matthew McConaughey, hey, your movie's second. Dick. And also he would go like this and all of a sudden you're here.

Fuck you. And Matthew McConaughey, I went to see your last movie. You owe me $8,050. And Matthew McConaug and him were having this verbal dialogue because I knew nothing about until that moment. Where the hell was Matthew McConaughey had a garage. If you go behind 1440,

okay, if you go behind, if you're driving towards sunset from Fountain. Yep. And you're on Gardner, right before you hit sunset, there's an El Compajorie parking lot. Yep. And you can make a right in there. You went too far. About 11 yards before that, before you get the Ralphie's building.

If you hooked the right, there's an apartment, there's a string of apartment buildings. Parking for those apartment buildings are back there. But there's some people who rent their garages. A friend of his rented his garage to Matthew McConaughey. That's great. Matthew McConaughey was working on a car back there. He would go back there in the afternoons with no shirt on with a hat. And Ralphie would spend his fucking day.

Torturing him. I'm sorry. How great's Ralphie. Matthew McConaughey, your movies suck. Fuck you. Like, what is an 11-year-old? And then here's the funny thing. Like, I hung out with him.

And I did not know this. And all of a sudden they blew the whistle on him. Like, this had been. going on for 90 days. And the funny thing was everybody else in the building was in on it. Gavin was in on it. Fucking somebody else. There was somebody else in the building who said

it is one of the funniest things to listen to. He goes, I was sleeping one day and I woke up to those two going off. And he goes, I thought it was Ralphie having a conversation with somebody else in the South. He goes, it was Matthew McConaughey. He goes, when I looked out the window

because those apartments don't have air condition. So your window's always got to be open. Oh, that's so... Did they ever become friends? No. Until this day, Matthew McCona, he goes back there, and he probably looks back there and see if somebody's going to yell at him.

Why would Matthew McConaughey put up with that? It's so funny. It was dark. So, like I told you guys, I went back there one day. After this one on, it baffled me. Like, I'm a fucking, you know what I'm saying? Like, you are you or Matthew McCona? With the movie star over out there.

Matthew McConaughey. Like, he would sing songs. Torturing him. So. So good. Oh, my God. So. Did Matthew McConaughey ever confront him in, really?

No. Matthew McConaughey finally did something. Matthew McConaughey did something. Like, he did something. Oh, my God. I can't remember what he did. Like, he snapped one day. He's like, come out.

You fucking pussy. He confronted him. He confronted the building. He sits. It was three floors, but how Ralphie was doing it, it sounded like it came from the top floor. So he's looking in the wrong window? Ralphie was on the first floor right in front of him. But the Ray Ralphie had it padded and the whole system, Ralphie worked.

Throwed his voice like chapped on him. It was, and I remember going back there one day. And just because there's a lot of times we would sit and smoke dope. Like a lot of times, it was such a popular area. Right now at the top of my tongue, I feel. forget who lived there then. But you were always bumping into comics in that area. Yeah, it was almost

like being on a college campus. We would sit on that wall. Plus, the karate teacher who I loved the shit out of had a car back there and he would work on it. And one day he asked me, he goes, fucking Matthew McCona. He brought his car to the wrong neighborhood.

They fucking hate him here. And I'm howling. And I'm trying to control myself. And I go, what are you talking about? He goes, boy. He tries to fix his cars back there. And there's somebody in that building who fucking tortures him. Oh, it's so good.

He goes to one day, two or two people got it on it. And that's what happened. Like Gavin would get on it and shit. Were he doing every day that he was there, too? Every time. If Matt, if, listen to me, if Ralphie had a meeting and he was about to leave and he looked out the window and he'd see Matthew McConae jacking up his car. car, the meeting would be canceled.

He booby-trapped his window, and he just started yelling for the top of his wife. That's so great. I wish he'd recorded it. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. That was like a jerky boys' CD that you could buy. Ralphie just hammering Matthew McGona, his balls. You have.

It was, you know, and like I said to you guys, at this time, I was walking around with nothing. I would go to his house at night and drink his vows. I can fill the bottles back up with water. That's a nice guest. Oh, my God. I would do the worst things. I loved him like a motherfucker. He would make me laugh my ass off with that type of shit.

Like, you know, the best was I'm in El Paso, Texas. I'm minding my own fucking business. And the phone rings at the condo. Bling, hello. Go, cow, cow. It's Ralphie Mae. I'm coming right now. What are you talking about right now?

He goes, I'm coming from Houston. It's your birthday. That's my birthday. His birthday was February 17th. Mine was the 19th. So he goes, come down to Arby's. Meet me at Arbys. That's where you pull in and go do some shit.

Yeah, birthday stuff. Because the condo had moved. There was an old condo in El Paso now who we had moved. What's this at Bart Reeds Club? Bart Reeds Club. It was on the west side, whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah. So the old condo was down the corner from Taco Cabana.

Oh, I love Taco Cabana. up in the morning or right to taco cabana like a motherfucker Texas. Lee Syatt. We're going back to Austin. Austin. Austin. Going back to Austin. Yo, I don't think so. Going back to Austin.

Going back to Austin. Yo, I don't think so. Going back to Austin. Getting some shrimp. I'm going back to Austin. I'm getting that fucking thing. Going to chewies. Get some Cuban food.

Hang out. with what's his name? Bobby and Sharon too. Going back to Austin. Austin. Austin. Going back to Austin. I don't think so.

Anyway, sorry, I got all fucking excited. So it's your birthday. So it's my birthday. Ralphie shows up. It's me, Noey Gonzalez. Oh, I love Noe. Maybe John Westling. Maybe, maybe not.

It was that long President's Day. So Bart Reid said, if you need to stay in the condo until Tuesday. She's not going to clean it. Who cares? So I had no reason to come back to LA. I was homeless. So any day I didn't have to come back to L.A.

It was fine. They all fit to drive back with me. I couldn't do that 24-hour drive. That was brutal. I already had a fucking plane ticket. So I was like, nah. So that Sunday we hung out, and then that Monday we woke up.

Everybody sat at the condo, which was nice. And we went somewhere, and then we went to the movies. We went to see Payback with Mel Gibson. Good movie. 2009. Why don't am I thinking? Was Denzel Washington in that movie?

No. No, this is 1997. Kick it, Lee. You remember that movie, Lee? I don't think so. No, why would you? You were too busy playing fucking horoscope movies and shit. Payback.

Mel Gibson. I was not. You've never seen this? Duh. Put a scene on from fucking this guy's. great scene. 1999. He was brilliant.

We went as a movie theater to see this. In 1997 or which one? 99. Payback. Mel Gibson, Maria Bello. Yeah. Tremendous. Fucking tremendous.

Kind of black and white-ish. It was shot differently. Brilliant. You know, like we were talking about before. Mel Gibson was fucking brilliant up to one point. Yeah. So we go into this movie. We ate somewhere.

Like, we were in El Paso, so I'm just assuming we ate something. Mexican. That was good. And we go into this movie, and it's all of us, and we've got the whole row invaded. You know, give a take, me, Ralphie, Jody Ferdick, knowing Gonzalez, there had to be eight of us. I can't remember who else was that. I think it was Carlson-C. a weekend, and we were all openers, and we all went together. And there's a silent part in the fucking movie, and I rip a fart that ricochets off the chair and goes out to the Stratis.

for you. And the whole movie looks at Ralphie because he's the fattest dude in the movie and I'm like Jesus Christ Ralphie man he's like

fuck you fuck you coke out I can't believe you blame me another time again him and I were dirt poor

and we decided with coupons we had everything at that time isn't it crazy crazy no dough we all think money's the answer

but you look at the happiest times of your life we had nothing nothing He's yelling at Matthew McConaughey. He's just making the biggest movie. That's more fun than going to Fiji. Scroll that, scroll that for a second.

I bet Matthew McConaughey still hates that guy. Hold on for you a second. Yeah, put the trail on. This has James Coburn in it. This is a... No, no, no, no. Go back for a second. Go back.

Go back. Go scroll down. Right there. This one? Yeah. Watch this scene. Kick this lap. Look who it is.

This is like her first. big thing. Look how hot she was. My 70 grand. I want it. I don't have it right now. Where is it? I gave all $130,000 to the outfit. I gave it all to them. Tell them he gave him money that doesn't belong to you and get it back. Oh, powder, I can't do that. I mean, you don't know these...

You're gonna kill me whether I get the money or not. Look how good Lucy Lewis. I'll get her. She's getting turned down. Look at her. Just give me a few days. Alright. What the fuck?

I'm sorry. Hey. Yeah. This makes out crazy, Porter, but no hard feelings, huh? I did what I had to do. You can appreciate that. I don't. Please.

Oh, Jesus. Look at this. She's giggling on these shit. She loves all this shit. What? What? What? That's why you pay these chicks to come over and do.

do this to you. We love you, baby. We love you. Time. What the hell is this joke? Look at her ass. Look at her little Chinese. Look at it.

She comes back with a whip now. Oh, this is tremendous. You wouldn't give a Chinese girl 500 to be Chinese. And suck your ass off. For those listening, she just stepped on his balls and squished it out like a cigarette. It's tremendous. That's why you fucking pay him the nickel. No, we don't.

Who else is going to step on your balls and smack you in the face like that? I don't want anyone to do that. You don't know what type of party you're missing. Tell me you've had someone kick you in the balls, Joey. Listen, how did the chick smack me in the face a couple times and tell me to go fuck my mother. It was tremendous. You come like a fucking savage.

You just can't stop coming. You get flashed back to the whole fucking thing. You can't stop. You go back to the womb and shit. where's Tony Bennett? Tony Bennett for fucking Ralphie made another one. You're going to sit down like a mama looking at yake. I love you, cock suckers.

What are we talking about? Then we went to the movies and you farted and everybody blamed Ralphie. That was that time where I goes, Ralphie and he goes, stop, Coke out. And then about a year later, he went to Universal City up here, up here and fucking whatever it is.

And we bought him in a house. So it's kind of. Hold on, hold on, pull the clock. So I start throwing M&Ms, right? Oh, no. And who? And whoever. We're in the second level right now.

They're in the movie theater. We're in the movie theater. You guys are professional 11-year-old. You're farting. You throw candy of people. So we're sitting like this, watch the movie. There's a balcony, okay? We're up in the second balcony.

And instead of, like, whipping them with people, I'm just letting them go, right? It's where they land. It's going to go through someone's skull. So, you know, we're firebombing people, and they're the M&M ones. The peanuts or the... Yeah, the peanuts. They got substance to them. So we're whipping them off the top.

Papa! And you can see them throughout the screen. You can see him. We're fucking howling in the back. But out of one of those peanuts, you hear it going, and it just going. By the time. time it got to where we launched it, it was like the guy had a headache

and everything. But it didn't break. It hit the guy's head and bounced off. So he held his head for a minute. He's looking back to see who could have done such a thing. I would immediately think it would be YouTube. Guys, like, you can't remember prime subjects. I was sitting there.

I'm pissing my pants. The guy's looking up. I'm fucking howling, right? Ralphie. Ralphie's having a lot of time. Ralphie don't know what to do, right? So he's like, Coco, you can get a strung out of it or not. Eat the evidence.

Don't worry about that. So we take the fucking... What are you saying? We take the fucking Eminem peanut thing, and we throw up behind. behind this like it wasn't us and that's it nothing happens okay the movie ends me and Ralphie are stoned to the gills the movie ends I had forgotten all about the peanuts I had forgotten about everything you understand the movie was so good I don't remember what the

movie was but I don't remember what the movie was I don't remember what the movie was But I do remember that when the movie ended, you know, Ralphie didn't walk fast, and neither was on. That was in no shape. I remember that? I was in bad shape. It must have taken us 20 minutes to walk downstairs. As we're making the turn, I had forgotten about everything.

All I had in mind was he was going to take him to eat somewhere. We were going to go back to his house and make a sandwich. And the next thing you know, we walk around the turn, and the guy's got a nice pack on his head. Right. And he's got the M&M. And he's yelling at the manager. Like, you have to fingerprint this. And call the police.

I was assaulted. And the manager's like, so do you want to press charges? He goes, yes. And me and Ralphie, it took everything. It took everything for us. Not to just how. And we walk like 10 feet and just there's things you forget and there's things you still remember.

I still remember that walk. How we kept banging our legs like fucking how. that we had both forgotten about the peanut. And here it is, this guy's got a nice back on his head. He's completely bald, and he's got the peanut with a glove on. He must have been crawling on the ground looking for it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's the best stuff in life. That's the shit that you really can't. The damn supposed to meet him, I told you. And I couldn't. I went downstairs and I had a flat. They were doing construction when I lived on Shreder. Okay. You didn't say, where were you supposed to meet him?

At the sushi place. Okay. And he was pissed. And he goes, what do you mean? I go, well, I used the spare. So I got no fucking spare. So I called the Thai guy, and he's trying to get his size. And then once he can put it on for the $20, I'll get, I'll go out to you.

And he goes, where's the motherfucking car? And I told him, I said, right in front of the house there. He goes, what's the address? He goes, what are you going to do? He goes, don't worry about nothing. What's this? He goes, what's the address? address. Give him the address.

Don't, you know, I go upstairs. He calls me, he goes, are you downstairs? I go downstairs, get the guy your keys. Go downstairs, a guy, towed my fucking car. Firestone on LaBrea. Oh, yeah. Posed my car over there. Next thing, I got four brand new tires on the fucking car.

Where are you at, player? I gave me an extra 300 so you can be in 20 minutes. Come on over. Wow. I ordered your sushi and lobster row, you know. He would come back, like here I was, living in this dingy apartment. I didn't have nothing, you know. I was either still addicted or towards the end of it.

And he would come back on Monday. Like if his plane landed at 4.40, he would pick me up at 7 o'clock. Take me to the weed store. He would spend $2,200. 2400 because he was going to West Palm Beach. There were a bunch of pot smokers there, the waiters. So he wanted to make sure they had weed, and he wanted to make sure I had weed. That's what he used to take the weed and put it in his rolls.

Lee, wake up. You're going deep. No, no, no. Why would he put it in his rolls? Hide it. Because that's how he would hide it in his rolls. Oh, my God. But he would come in and spend $2,000.

He would spend $8,000 a month. His wife was going nuts. because he would take it out of the T-shirt money. In those days, in 2005, six, seven, eight, guys, he was coming home with Manila envelopes in rubber band, a $5,000 denomination. And the rubber bands, there had to be eight of them in there. That was merch.

Wow. That wasn't even the door sales and the booze and nothing else. So he would fucking, in front of me, he would fucking go in his briefcase and take a fucking, rubber man down. They were each five grand. And we go into the fucking weed store.

And he'd just go crazy. This is edible would be. And then, like, he would tell the guy, what's the best weed you got? That one, give cocoa an ounce. Give cocoa an ounce of that. Give cocoa an ounce of that. Give cocoa cookies. I would leave there with $900 worth of weed.

I would give away because Ralphie would give it to me. So I give it to Ari. Yeah, pass it along. I give it to Duncan. That's when we were, like, all struggling. Yes. And we were young. Yep.

So Ari would get a call. Duncan would get a call. Red Band would get a call. So when I get to the comedy store, I give them all. That was Dead Squad. It all went downhill. So nobody, everybody got a taste. And then I would tell Ralphie that I gave some to them.

So now they would, how do you think Ralphie and Ari are so fucking tight? Like, I'm telling you, man, I know Ari a long time. Ari took a big hit with Freddie Soda. Yeah, that one got me. And this one is going to get for Ari too. Ari took a hit with Freddie Soto. You know, I knew Freddie, but I didn't really know Freddy as much as to take a big hit with him.

Ralphia was more personally involved with him, you know? I remember visiting Ari two years ago in New York. It was a great night. Gabriel Oglacius brings me to New York. We land. Me and Gabriel having drinks at the bar. We get pizza.

He's calling on the night. Ari's calling me. When are you getting here? When are you getting here? All right, because Ari's out at the dinner with Justin. they're at some fancy place or whatever. I finally get to Ari. We meet Bill Murray,

and we just walk from wherever we are an hour and a half to Ari's house just through the streets in New York on a school night, Wednesday, 3 o'clock in the morning, and the phone rings and it's Ralphie Mae because that's how tight Ralphie and Ari were. And he puts me on the phone with Ralphie. I'm in New York. I haven't even landed.

I've been there four hours. Hang, Gabe, get to meet Bill Murray, me and Ari are catching up. All right, Plath. Stevie Simone, you're a good man. And I'm just like, that's it. Because didn't Ralphie bring Ari out on the road for a while? Yeah, he took all of us.

He helped. And you know, Lee, it was, I think I did two dates with him. Now, I loved Ralphie to death in those days. You know, Ralphie was a killer. Yeah. But on the other hand, I was a different type of killer. Yeah. So I would kind of scare his crowd.

He took me to maybe when he won the last comedy He took me somewhere at Beaumont one time And then we went to like a bigger room where I just bombed But both times late he didn't know what he was giving me I never worked with anybody like that before everybody sends me a check in the mail This guy just went in his pocket and just handed you Sometimes it could be 1400 Wow sometimes it could be 800 sometimes it could be 2,200

You know he knew he knew what I went through. He knew what I went through all those years. And when he hit, I was still fucking banging, and I could never look him in the face. But from time to time, he would slip me 100 or 2. The week I got the longest

yard, he slipped me $200, like the day before I officially got it. And I always said it was from that lucky $200 a game, because that's when he was on fire. So he was supposed to go to Houston and I got the longest yard.

It was August, no, it was June or 2004. Something, I was supposed to go on a club day with him. And then when I canceled for the longest yard after that, somebody filled my spot. That's how it works. You don't cancel it with Ralph, you know what I'm saying? I ain't got to start from the rotation all over again. You got to carry luggage and shit.

But another time, were you around for his wedding? No. I wasn't at the wedding, no, but I remember it. You remember that one? That's weird because there was nobody he didn't invite. Do you know what I'm saying? It's not like he didn't send invitations like normal weddings. I think he got married three times.

I think so. He got married in Vegas somewhere on the East Coast and then he had a party here. On the sunset, no, on Hollywood Boulevard, they tried to do comedy there. It was a place and they served food, Star Strip, strip star something weird

that was the name of the fucking place where ralphie got married there but when he got married he sent the invites out it didn't say ralphi on it it said raffy right that's great you know it could only happen to him and he's got me as a buddy

just more ammunition to break his balls oh yeah that whole week of the wedding i kept calling him raffey and I told people to call him Rafi and his face was turned red he was so mad at the printer he would fucking joke him even at the wedding

I said to him so what's going on a rap for me and he just froze and he looked at his wife and he goes hey Lana remind me not to pay the printer like he was so furious

at that fucking printer that he messed up his fucking name you had one job you had one job Did you call him Rafi to the day you done? You probably called him? No, no, no. Listen, I had to switch it up with Rafi because he's a professional comedian.

It's like really a jiu-jit-to tournament. Before you fuck with Ralphie, you better come prepared and know how you're going to slip inside and get him to die a laughter. Ralphie loved it direct. He didn't like you fucking around. That's why I could always get Ralphie on the phone. Ralphie liked when I was direct with him on the fucking phone I can't even imagine

I can't remember all the things I used to do though just to torment this fucking life Coco Like I said people It hasn't even Soken in I have Thousands of these

You know There's thousands of these I have a friend right now That I haven't spoken to a long time I have a couple of, you know. We were all there with them, man. And they have to feel as bad. Everybody.

This is deep for a lot of people. So that's what I'm telling you. This guy was a good guy all the way around. And like I said, you always got, I saw some really, really negative things on Facebook, and I saw some really negative things on Twitter. It really made me laugh because if they really knew who this person was, regardless of what they heard.

Because listen, there was a thousand things. There was a thousand people he helped. Oh, yeah. That you and I will never know about. Yep. Trust him in time. It's true. He wasn't that type of dude, bro.

If he helped you, it was between him and you. Yeah. That's it. That's it. Nobody else was involved. He wasn't bright. a dough show about it. He did it because he wanted to do it.

He came from his heart. Yeah. So yeah, you know, listen, man, I'm 54 years old. I lost both parents. I lost two of my favorite people in the world before I was 18. I know how this shit works. And this is the final chapter in my life. I gotta tell you something, he really added some flavor to it from day one.

You know, he was never a competitor. We were always, always very helpful to one another. You know, he got me gigs. He got me so many fucking gigs. But if there's done, one thing I got to miss about him, isn't his generosity? It was our conversations on the phone. Our conversations on the phone.

I don't know what I'm going to do about those. That's kind of, we always ended getting off the phone fucking howling. You know, we had mutual friends from Houston, so we were goof on them. It's great. It was just, but you know what, man, the beauty about these stories, I'm telling your people, is maybe you haven't heard him or heard him before. You guys heard him on the podcast. You guys felt his tenderness. You guys felt his loving.

You guys felt how much of a good time he would have, you know. We all knew what he was going through. the rumors or you didn't hear the rumors or whatever, but it didn't matter. Every time he came on here, he gave it everything we had. You know, again, and I hate this, I hate saying this. I love comedy. I love, listen, who doesn't love howling? I'm not talking about Saturday night.

That's so witty. It's so politically. Oh, my God, it's so socially environment. No, no, no. I'm talking about when you keeled over. and your coughing you're fucking long out and your eyeballs are about to come out it's a it's a weird thing

for somebody to make you laugh at heart and they just make your day my god I'm about to have a heart attack right now but that burnt Christ night I can't even tell that story that broke Christ night it was one of the funniest nights of my life

with the way when he fell into the fucking kid's house. You know, I mean, you know, I'm going to piss my pain. This is it. This is, I, my, the anxiety, I just, I don't have no anxiety

medication. I mean, it was just amazing. This motherfucker guy, fellow fucking, you're a fucking apartment. Okay. And listen, you guys know,

you guys know, I have no reason to lie to you people. I'm a fucking animal. Give me a towel, please, or something. Yeah. I have to, Oh, no, no, don't get up on it. You know, you guys go with an animal, and I love to laugh.

Do you know what it is to want to laugh, but you can't because this is... Just picture your mother falling downstairs. I got a piece of that. If your mother fell down the stairs, would you fucking how? I don't think so. I don't think so. She was okay, you know what I'm saying? How much do you love your mother?

But if she fucking gobbled down the stairs and her wife... We fell off. Would you laugh? No, it's your fucking mother. It was the same thing with Ralphie that night. And let me tell you something. We're sitting there. I'm with smoke out.

You know me, dog? You invite me to your house. I'm bringing the munition of weed. I'm like that Vegas shooter. I'm bringing everything with me. You know what I'm saying? You invite me over to your house for a podcast. I'm bringing edible.

I'm just trying to be the best I can be. I'm showing up with the good. I'm showing up with the goods. You invited me over to your house. I know you get high. I'm going to bring the best weed, the best edible. So, you know, he invites me over.

And I'm sitting there and we're waiting on Ralphie. You know, and I know Ralphie, dog. Every time we had him on this podcast, the first two times I totally, listen. There's going to be one of these podcasts. We don't know when he's going to show. We'll give it an hour, and then we'll start the podcast. But out of his love for me,

he always was one time. I think he was 40 minutes. Slate or something, but he was always, he showed up, he was solid. And, you know, some people, they just move a little slower and I understood, but. So the podcast supposed to start today, this motherfucker shows it pretend. He sits on that fucking chair. You hear the word like creaking the whole time. We do the podcast, he's fucking out of it, guys.

Now, when I tell you out of it, we're family. Something else was lingering. if you want me to lie to you, I can't lie to you. Something else was lingering in the system. He's my brother. He ain't heavy. He's my brother. I don't say nothing.

It's not for me to judge. We wrap up the... He's smoking the vapor pen. He just had that fucking pneumonia. Remember when they carried him off the ship? And I asked him if he tipped over the helicopter and all that shit. You know, I used to torment his life. How many people had to carry him and the whole thing?

They took him off the ship And he went to the hospital And he stayed there for three weeks And they put a tube in his lung So when he came home He obviously took the tube out And he couldn't smoke refa But he was hitting that fucking vapor pen

Now I gotta tell you something That vapor pen gets you high and all But he's 500 pounds That vapor pain There's no reason why he should have been none But it wasn't So we gotta wrap it up It's fucking midnight

Bert's got three daughters, you know, two daughters. His wife is inside. We've got to walk through the house. Yeah, all quiet. The dog is barking, and here's me and Ralphie walking to the house. So we open up the man cave. Bob, pop, pop, pop. Bert walks out.

I walk out second. Ralphie follows. I help him up. Boom, boom, boom. Me and Bert are talking about whatever, the climate, whatever the fuck two comics talk about. What club are you going to next week? And all of a fucking sudden, you hear,

pop, pa, pa, pa. But you heard wood smash it. Like when you hear wood smash it's real. Like I thought somebody jumped out and attacked my three samurai. I turned around and it's fucking Ralphie smothered with wood and splinters. He just broke fucking this whole thing. Poor little girls. I mean, oh my God, it was something that, you know, it was John Candy type comedy.

Like, listen, guys, I got a thousand. these life forgot like just him picking me up in north bergen like he came to my hometown and picked me up and drove me around maybe three times wow and then after that he i even got a call from a teacher friend of mine well i'm gonna see this week in tampa that was my teacher since i was a sophomore in high school i hooked him up with ralphi wow and he called the odd day and said i can't believe Ralphie's fucking dead that's that's terrible so this is no I hooked Ralphie up with all my friends Ralphie was tight with Mr. T Ralphie was tight and loved George my friend George he loved George whenever he was in Jersey George would bring him ribs oh pork fried rice

from chans so last I heard they're not going to have a service they're going to cremate the body. Like I said, they're going to get a lot of wood. All right. They're going to cremate the body and then they're going to take them to... They're going to have a reception at Arkansas with his family. They're going to do something in Nashville, but most important, they're going to do something

in L.A. on Monday to 23rd or something like that. We'll have to figure out how we're going to do this, Lee. But we'll figure it out one way or another. We're always a strong fucking team here. Hold on one second. Let me do a couple shoutouts here. Where are you going next, Steve, someone? House of Comedy and Phoenix. What is that?

October 25th. Look at you, you bet. Just one night on. No, 25th through the 30th through the 30th? I'm there all week. It's like Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Yeah, if you're in the Phoenix area, you go over about a house of comedy, look at my man. Listen, I want to give some shoutouts.

I can just imagine what Ookie Spookys feeling like. You know, I love you, Ook. I can just imagine what Dee from Colorado's feeling. like we're now. You know, I love you. Jeffrey Collins, I'm always here. Bob Lillinger's. I love you, Jose.

Torto Tuhi. I love you, two ethics. End this. Anyway, I'm no fucking, whatever. David Macca, Andrew G. MMA dude, bro. Alex Paz with the podcast, and the rest of the fucking church family.

Helping me out, keeping me fucking smile on a weekend. You motherfuckers, I owe you one. Don't forget, if you're in the Tampa area next weekend, I'm slinging dick and giving out fucking swizzlers over at the Tampa Improv starting Thursday night. And the following Thursday, I'm in, oh shit!

I'm in Lexington, K.Y. On Broadway, Lexington, Kentucky. Bring that fucking homebrew. Bring the ref, bring everything you got Kentucky. don't give a fuck. Steve Simone, talk to me, my little brother.

What's going on in your world? Everything's okay, man. You look good? Yeah. I mean, you're another guy

that I've known you for, forever. We've been here for, like, and that's what Josh Wolf really, like Josh called

in the afternoon. Like, Josh, it was really weird how the phone rang. And I, and I tried to take as many as I could to let people know,

listen, it's cool. Yeah. And Ari said it, He goes, like I said, every time I saw him, I prepared for it. When Josh Wolf broke down to me is like, do you even remember what we were going through those days? Like, we were all fucking broke. Barely putting it together.

Josh Wolf had just had Jacob. You know, that was, comedy was the bright spot then. Everything else was shit. I was starting to lose contact with my daughter. They were moving to England. It was just something that, you know, Josh Wolf had knocked. Like he said, he had the child. Now he's in a one-bedroom apartment with two of her kids and a Great Dane and fucking his brother.

And, you know, it was just something that everybody, just to let people know, man, that whatever, and it starts with Ralphie. Whatever dream you got, it could be done. And we did it together. And I never realized that to Ralphie passed, that Josh Wolfie passed. that Josh Wolf brought it to my attention. That that little click down there, that was a really cool time. That was a really cool time.

And even if I wasn't going to Montreal, there was only one person who believed in me back then. That's Missy Shore. That was good enough for me. That was good enough for me. Nobody else liked me. My agent was the coloring book. And I had a fucking deal from CBS for a fucking show

and I couldn't get nobody to sign me. Wow. Let's draw a card's on the fucking table here. I couldn't get nobody to fucking sign me. Help me out. I had somebody giving me $25 grand, and I had nobody negotiating the deal because I didn't have an agent.

Wow. I need an attorney, and a friend of mine goes, she's a great attorney. She's black, but she's a fucking savage. So I said, okay, I called. I got nothing against black people. I called, and that's what she was, a theatrical agent slash attorney.

So she goes, listen, you come in here with 25 Gs. I'll give you a fucking shot. So she started reping me. That's great. But I had nobody. I showed up here with an envelope. Like a fucking Cuban shows up to see a Jew. You show up on an envelope from day one.

I couldn't get nobody to sign me, guys. That's how fucking I turned Pete. That's how bad it was for me. And it was that whole two or three years. It was like four years. I moved in with Terry in 2000. So I was on that corner for about three years. and Ralphie was the catalyst.

I could tell you whatever fucking story I was that I was doing this and that that's a bullshit story. I was living in front of Ralphie's fucking door cradled every night with no sleep at me in the machine dying. I don't think I had sleep at me in that because I used to sleep all fucking night. But that's what Joshua pointed out to me. And I think that's why I couldn't fall asleep Friday night.

I'd forgotten all about that. I fucking hate when I forget shit. how many times Ralphie cooked there was an incident that happened there one night on 9-11 the same part when 9-11 struck we opened up the day at Mike Fabman's house including Joe Rogan there was a lot of us

in Mike Feynman's house that was fucking nuts but then word got out Ralphie was cooking a gumbo some people went home that was my home over there yeah I was living with Terry at the time I remember going over that night, and I forget who was there. And here's Ralphie living off peanuts. It's 9-11, 2001.

He's scraping by on fucking Visalia gigs and Rudy Moreno gigs and Willie Barsena gigs and Felipe Spars at gigs, just like the rest of us in those days. You know, in fact, me and Ralphie would drive to a lot of those gigs together. Those Thursday, Wednesday, Tuesday gigs, we would do those constantly that was our bread and butter that's how you bought groceries

that was $40 a spot that was $120 from Tuesday to fucking Thursday you know $10 for gas to get down there back and forth nobody even knows you're down there and you get a couple tacos those guys were always cool

they give you a drink ticket and shit you talked to a couple of Spanish girls Ralphie did all that shit Ralphie did the black rooms that dude paid his fucking dudes funny, funny. No, that's no mistake. That dude worked it.

He was working door deals in Texas. When we were starving, he would still go back to Texas and come home with $3,000, $4,000. Something that nobody does as a fucking whatever level. Right. He had built a little market somewhere.

I forget where it was, some fucking town, and he would go down there with John Wesleyan or some other comics, and he'd fucking rape him, man. He was that strong even back then business, We're going to miss them.

For sure. We're going to miss them in real life. We're going to miss them on the podcast. We're going to miss his shows. We're going to miss his advice. We're going to miss that fucking face. You know, the last couple days you got on Facebook, you're having a good moment, and all of a sudden there's a picture of him,

and you look at him, and it seems like he's staring right at you. And your heart melts for a minute. You're like, wait a second, I'm never going to see him again. Nah, this is bullshit. Your mind always rejects it at first. Like, this is bullshit. Like, and you guys talk about, Jerry, what the fuck do you know? Let me tell you something.

My mom died November of 79. I saw her in the casket. I saw him put her in the ambulance. I saw them close the casket and put it into a car. And then I saw them take it out of the car. and wheel it to a hole and put it in there and throw dirt on it. And the next day I went by the fence because I lived two blocks away from the cemetery. And I saw them dig and filling in the hole.

Do you know that 18 months after that, once every 10 days and I get a couple of cocktails in me, I would walk to my house and sit on the steps and walk around the back? Just to see Steve Simone, maybe. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe my mom went away to Florida and didn't tell me. You know, that's how fucking tricky your mind works. So I know the last 20 years here, my life has been wrapped on around Ralphie around one way or another. Yeah.

You know, he filled the void for me that he was a guy that accepted me from day one. He just accepted me from day one. And he knew all the, you know, he knew everything, though. I could tell him anything. He didn't give a fuck. He really didn't. He never judged me. That's what made me love him more than anything in life.

That he knew everything moved that went down in my life. He knew everything crazy. He was in the car that night. Steve Simone, I got a call from my friend's ex, this little hot Filipino. I mean, fucking smoking. Steve Simone, she's smoking. Smoking. I meet her once or twice, you know,

Drugville, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And the first time I see, I see the skirt she's got on in the heels and I go, ooh. You know what's that. This is a fucker. This chick's banging.

She was Americanized, but she had the black hair and the beautiful dark eyes. So it's a Sunday night. I'm watching football like everybody else at 5 o'clock. And the phone rings. I had a cell phone back then.

Yeah. It's got to be 2006. Okay. And I got a call at about two and five in the afternoon. And it's a woman's voice. And she goes, do you know him? I go, no. And she goes, it's, and I go, what's up?

And she goes, nothing. Can I talk to you about something? I go, yeah. She goes, listen. I got a big role in the movie. It's going to be like three weeks of work, guaranteed. But I need to pay SAG. And they want, like, uh,

1800 or something. I don't know what the number was then. And I just want to know if I could borrow it from you. And now listen, I got $3 in my pocket and $2.15 in the bank account. You know what I'm saying? They're ready to shut it down. I'm waiting on the tips to come in

before they shut it down. You know, when you tip people, it don't come in right away. Then you look at your account. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And you're like, fuck, that's right. I put tips down and shit.

well okay so this girl's telling me she needs a 1750 whatever if I could help her out blah blah blah blah blah blah so you know me I can make a call for her but let me see what you know I go so what's going on how we're going to work this out

and she goes well you'll give me the money I'll pay SAG tomorrow and I think I start working next week in Seattle and when I come back I'll hand you the money and I go but what if you don't I go, let me see the contract and stuff like that. Let me see all the production. She goes, well, I go, let me get the name of it.

Is on IMDB? Yeah, I go on IMDB, there ain't nothing for this movie. And I go, look on pre-production and nothing on that. So I go, listen, I don't see nothing on this. Do you have sides for it or anything? And she goes, well, he gave us the sides, but then he rewrote him. And I go, who else in the movie? And she blurred a bunch of big names.

Like, okay. Well, there's nothing in here on it. I just, I go, listen, let's make this easy. I go forget the payment. Let me just give you $17.50. And let's go to go to our own to me. You know, let me work it off that way.

It was like a little silence. And I'm like, I got $3 in my pocket. And like I said, maybe $22. She's like, what do you think you want to? No, she's like, she's a little shy. She goes, what do you want to do? And I don't know a monkey. and maybe he'll give me a little stabbing.

And there's like a little pause in there, you know. There's like a little pause in there. And she's like, well, I don't know. I just broke up with my boyfriend, I don't feel weird. I go, there's no way about nothing. 1750. Nobody knows nothing. Don't worry about nothing.

I told you're 1750. The 1750 you don't have. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I got to push the envelope, right? So she's like, so what are you going to do? I go, listen, let me go over and give you a stabbing, your monkey. And I go, let me come in your mouth and shit. She goes, well, I don't do that. I go, listen, for 1750, you got to do what you got to do.

You know me, dog? I'm a savage. Yeah. And there was silence, right? And she goes, okay, where do you want to meet? And I go, where are you? And she goes, well, I'm close to like hunting. I go, well, listen.

Is there four seasons somewhere close to you? And she goes, yeah, there is. Marina Do you, right? I go, let's go there. I'm like a suite. I'm gonna fucking fuck you for fucking 10 hours. She's like, no, I have to leave by the way, too. And I go, bring the skirt.

And I started just taunting. And I go, bring the skirt, bring the heels, bring the Catholic skirt, bring the dildo. And you can hear her like, oh, just turned into something I didn't like. So, okay, I hang up with her. I'm giggling. I get a little giggle just to see how far I could push it.

In my mind, she's never going to call back, right? It's like a prank phone. Right. It's like a prank phone call. I'm sitting there watching fucking TV. I forget. Totally, yeah. I'm sitting there watching TV.

I forget the phone rings and boom, Ralphie Mae. What's up? What's up, dog? I'm downstairs. Let's go get some food. Let me hook you up for the week. It was a Sunday. I wasn't expecting Ralphie on Sunday.

Ralphie always came back on Monday. So he didn't get a call Monday night or by Wednesday he'd show up and let's go buy a pound of weed. but this was a Sunday night so I go alright I'll be right down I take a shower Ralphie's downstairs in a brand new fucking car I get in there he hands me 200 right off the bat

you know Ralphie was just pimping back then we get in the car we go over to Cushmore we buy another $2,200 worth of weed and now we're going to eat sushi somewhere we weren't going to an expensive place I forget where we were going and the next thing you know my phone rings and look at the phone and it's this chick

Uh-huh. So I answered, Ralphie, I go, Ralphie, I want to pick this up. Don't like, oh, this chick

wants me to give her $1,700, and I'm telling him she wants to suck my dick and all this stuff, and he starts, ah, ah,

loving. Ah, uh, Ralphie, stop it. Don't say a fucking word. Beep, what's going on,

love? Okay, so where do you want to meet? I go to you look at the directions. Hold on one second. One second. Like, did you look at the directions?

I go, did you look at the directions? Where is it? She goes, it's the Marina Daray. I go, all right, I'll meet you, Maria Dara. She goes, I got to ask you something. She goes, how long do you want to hang out for? I go, how long do you guys? She goes up?

I have to meet the producer the morning, pick up the script and stuff. I go, what time is it right now? And she's like, a 10 o'clock. I go, listen, about one, that's it. We won't do much. You know me. I go, listen. Ralphie's right there

and he's just looking at me the car is stopped and I'm like listen you know me and Ralphie's like trying to fucking not to laugh and I'm trying not to laugh and then I go

and then I got listen and then I'm going to flip you over I'm gonna lick your asshole and then and then I'm gonna light that asshole on fire right and all of a sudden you hear like a pause

and she goes can I call you back and me and Ralphie died. And I'm like, listen, okay, call me back, and me and Ralphie are fucking dying. I tell Ralph, because I forgot all about it, I tell Ralphie the whole story

and when dying, you know, I might, listen, I forgot how I told her it. But I was like, listen, I'm going to lick your pussy. I'm going to fucking stick it in you. And then I'm going to fucking, then I'm going to then I go, I'm going to put my dick in your

mouth and want you to suck it and get it hard. I'm going to flip you over. I'm going to flip you over. I'm going to get it. asshole. And I'm like, and then, and then I'm like,

yeah, it's all on fire. Like, I was just, I just Acapelloed this. And she, I could hear her whole demeanor change on the other side.

She freezes. Like, she thought it was just going to be like, I'm going to go and feel her up. And she's going to leave. I'm like, no, no, no,

if you go, I'm going to wear that asshole out. And it was hysterical. She called back. I have forgotten about her again. Did she call back again? Yeah, she hung up, said she'll call me back to see if she can meet me, which I knew she would never call back just from her reaction on the phone.

I knew she was never going to call back. And while we're eating sushi at that place off Sunton, now I know what she called back and go, Rafi, hold on, it's her. And I'm like, what's going on? She's like, listen, it's off. I got my uncle to front me the money. And I can pay them in three payments. Thank you, though.

She hung up the phone. And about a week later, I was on fucking Facebook, and she unfriended me. Oh, my gosh. Hilarious. Ridiculous. But listen, she had, I thought, if I tell the whole, whole, whole story,

she was taunting me from day one. When I met her, the first two or three times, I met her as she had a guy. She always had a boyfriend with her. We bought weed at the same spot. Yep. And then we hung on a couple times socially, but it was always with her boyfriend.

Nothing never happened. I never said nothing. Right. And then one day I see him and I go, what's going on? We're talking. You know, we all hung up together. And he goes, I don't date him on one dog. I just mean I broke up.

That's it. And I never saw again. Yeah. I never thought of her nothing. And one day, dog, I'm walking. I hear peep, peep. And I look at a car. And it's her with a low-cut blouse.

Right. No bra on. Those medium row breasts just staring in the face. Oh, my God. The sun bouncing off them. And when I get to the car, she's got like a miniskirt on and you can see the black underwear.

I'm like, oh. And she goes, Uncle Joey, I need help. I go, once in a sudden, she goes, I need like $55 for gas. And I go, sure, $55 for gas. And I said, I got like $42 on me. Take this. And I was a complete gentleman.

I just thought that maybe, you know what? I'm an older man. Maybe I'll show him my monkey and I move on with that. that, but something else happened after that that I could see she wanted to play with fire. Yeah. Like about a month later, she did something.

Should be in the name of your show. Played with fire. Playing with fire. Like, she didn't know that I would take her ass to the hoop. Like, she came back for more money. And I didn't ask her this time. Like, I was like, I didn't think about it, really. Yeah.

I didn't see the pattern coming. And then she asked me for money the second time. And I was like, wait a second. something's not right here she just bumps into me on the street yeah she looks like she just came from a photo shoot from a barn with no fucking

bra on and black undies on and she gives me a glance on monkey she knows what she was doing now she needed head shots or something and then something else happened and I was like something's not right here yeah something's not right

let's see where this is going to lead and sure enough six weeks later she falls into the crutches of debt she calls uncle joey and tries to bang him out for 1750 on a tit show and maybe like a finger bang and i love you and all this shit and i was like i ain't gonna go down that way number one don't shave your monkey she's like why once you're telling that right off the bat you just destroyed everything

there's no comeback for that in that little girl's handbook when the guy calls you and says right off the bat not even hello I opened up with don't shave that monkey what are you talking about don't show that fucking monster don't shave it leave that fucking hairy monster

she said what are you talking about you know I'm fucking talking about hilarious it was hysterical high psychologically broke her she actually thought she was going to call me and tricked me into just me giving a fucking $2,000 I'll give it to you

got to work a little something like a nut I'm sorry. I'm saying. I got to go to the bathroom. Is it right if I take a break? And Ralphie's keeping it together during all this? Ralphie, how?

Hold on. I didn't take it to my brother here. I don't want you. I drank too much water. When she called into the car, I never thought I was going to get that call. So I had to bring it down to Ralphie real quick, like what was going on. Like, Ralphie, when I take this call, do not laugh.

This girl tried to borrow $17 out of dollars for me and for SAG. And I told her that I wanted to have sex with out of goof. I go, Ralphie, I'm flat broke. But dog, let me tell you something. It's crazy. How many people, especially women, will try to backhand you like that. That wasn't the first time. And guess what?

Like, the first time you do it, I make believe, like, you don't know what I'm talking about. But the second time I play that. the hand, even though I don't even have the money. Like, I'll torture you a fucking little bit if you're going to be that fucking stupid and bother me with something like that. And it's crazy? How far could it have gone? Like, what if you're like, okay, I have the room?

Oh, then I was just what I told I got a flat tire. Keep waiting. Pay for the room and wait for me. I'll be there half hour. Oh, my God. Lisa, what the fuck? If you're going to have a good time, you're going to have a good time. You're going to have a good time.

You're just torment women? No, no, no, no, no. No, well, not like in a bad way, but just like the goofy was. Listen, in life, hold on. I feel so much better. Thank you. Perfect. Thank you.

As, as, as, as, as, as, and I have to explain myself on something. As, uh, my friend here, Steve Simone, who was one of the nicest people in Hollywood and nice people at the comedy store, there's a long, nice of the comedy store. There's a lot of nice people at the comedy store, the young people, but Steve Simone's one of the most respected guys is the sweetheart of a guy. When you first got to the store, how many swindlers were there? All of every. Okay, so.

Yeah, it was a different place. Now, what was the percentage that was meant? 95%. Yeah. She was a female swindler. You know, and you bump into a female swindler sometimes. Yep. People come at you in Hollywood with a good heart,

and there's a lot of people. take advantage of you. Absolutely. It happened to the kid who died. It happens to a lot of people that have a little bit of money and they come out here. Somebody finds out you have money. They latch on to you.

Yeah, there's a lot of desperation out here. And there's a lot of people coming out here for whatever reasons and makes them a vulnerable target. Yes. So sometimes most of the people that approach you are male. But every once in a while,

it's females trying to put you put you together and that's when you don't have money I was trying to get cramped on when I didn't have money when you have money and you're younger in this town they come out from all

I had a friend once that got on a TV show he was on a TV show a popular show for like a year wasn't even a main character but he was with a big time agency in 1999 It was a drama.

He was a comic from the comedy story. He was like one of those Sunday guys. Okay. But he was acting. And I remember he was like, well, the shit agency. And he went in on one of those cop dramas on CBS and got it. That's when they used to give you, you know, the 17 episode orders. This was an hour drama.

This kid disappeared and was making Buku bucks. I forgot what the mall was of the story here. Swindler. people coming at you. Oh, no, no, no, no, that's right. So he was like not the number one guy in the show, but the show was popular on CBS

and people were recognized them the time to time. He goes, he moves into this fucking building and he goes within the fucking fourth day, he sees a girl on the elevator in the girl system, so you moved in here, yeah, my name is whatever,

whatever, she makes believe like, you know, everything's cool. He says like a week last, I got bump into her again. I started talking to her. She says, we should go out some time. At dinner, he goes, I'm just being casual with her. I didn't even hit her up for sex.

He goes, I wasn't even thinking about it at that point. You know, we weren't even in that realm. And out of nowhere, I tried to be honest with it, because two people came up to me at the restaurant and said that they liked the show. So when I tried to tell her, what it was, she played it off in a weird way. Like she knew.

So he goes, they're driving home. And he's taking it back to a car. And she pulls over and she goes, listen, and you help me out with something. And she thought it was like a ride to the house. Maybe she had a flat tire. She said, listen, I'm going to buy it. Can I borrow $3,000 from me?

and he said he had never ever if you see this guy you know I don't want to say his name I don't want to embarrass him but if you see this guy he's a really good looking dude

he's buffed I think he's still around I don't know but he said he wanted to go home and cry first date whatever matter hello

goodbye this is a different world out here you know this is a different world out here and I'm really sorry they're not having a memorial, like a big time memorial somewhere. Like, I think they're going to have one in Nashville.

I think I'll have to go to one of them and pay my respect, you know what I'm saying? The one in L.A. is going to be a little bit too full plug. What's the word? Phony eyes. I think TMZ will be there and all that shit. And you know what? That's the last thing I want to fucking do on a Monday night.

I got a podcast with you cuck suckers. I've been friends with him for 20 years. I went through eyes and loads of them. you know what I don't need to stand in line and make some stupid fucking speech in front of a bunch of people that at the end don't give a fuck anyway

they just want to be where the hot place is going to be and I'll be here with you motherfuckers doing a podcast what else? You're going to tape a CD soon you're going to make a kid's book every time I talk to you.

I got a little web series called it's still broken or me I have a buddy that can fix everything So he taught me and Eric Griffin last week how to fix a toilet, which is, I actually learned how to do it, which is good. And then I showcase, hopefully I'll get that comedy store special, which would be great. And got the road coming up. Who wants to shoot them now?

Well, I think the store wants to do it themselves. They have different investors, but I showcased, I think they're going to give one to Ingram. I showcased, uh, Jesus, Treyho. showcased. He's a good kid. Jamar neighbors. A lot of funny young guys were up there showcasing, so hopefully I got a shot. And they'll shoot them all in the main room? I don't know. I haven't heard any details at all. That'd be great. The main room looks like it'd be a great place to shoot a little something, something with people back there. You know, years ago, I want to congratulate Felipe Spars again, but I also want to congratulate

my dear friend who was one of the guys that put the whole thing together. he started as a comic member he used to open up and worked a lot with jimmy shoo but he's out of florida claude shires claude shires i want to really thank i congratulate claude shires for getting his work on hbo he shot it cloud directed that yeah i think so oh that's awesome yeah yeah so two comedy store guys one special that's awesome yeah yeah so that's what it works out like so i want to congratulate him too and thank you guys for support and that special. Anything else you want to tell these fucking savages?

Talk to me, baby. Just like what you said before. Just tell the people that you love them and hug them. You know? What are you going to say about Ralphie? I know he loved you. I mean, he'd come in here, and he would call on me, and I'd tell him what type of torture I'd be doing to you.

And he would add some techniques to torture you with. Well, I get the question a lot, like, who's my favorite church guest? it's hard. Like, we get a lot of great people in here. And, like, I don't really have favorites. It's weird, but it was always great when Ralphie would come. It was always great when Ralphie would come. And he was one of the few people who I met who was who they were,

like who I wanted them to be. Like, I grew up a fan of Ralphie. I remember the last comic standing. I remember the special with the orange jacket. And he was great. the first time I met him. Give me a big hug and we were at an office

a few blocks away from in and out. And I like one in the morning after I think the whole podcast was you like joking with me about losing weight or something. And then he asked me to go get burgers at the end and out. It's like, you know

man I'm going to try to be good. And later you're like, you know what you should have gone? You probably buy you like 20 burgers and give you like $1,000. I was like, oh, I I didn't know, but I'll never forget the night with the yellow snake. That was one of the best nights in my life. What happened with the yellow snake?

His bracelet, his son made him. That when we were doing that stuff, he actually did calm me down to, like, focus on it. But then when he scared me with it, and freaked me out that, like, what's funnier than that? he is uh I'm definitely gonna miss him doing the podcast but I'm gonna miss him more like I said our conversations on the phone

sometimes I'd be having a rough day and he would call me I would just laugh I'd ask him where he was I'd know exactly where he was I'd make a local reference we laugh for a while it's gonna be a big fucking chunk

but like I said right now I'm just probably processing it, and you guys were fucking great. That's it. That's it. That's it. It just sucks. That's,

it's weird dealing it with, it's different dealing it with it as like a child and then dealing with it as an adult. No, since this happened, I've had a weird feeling down at my heart. It could be that burp. Sometimes you have a little burp twisted behind your heart. You go to the doctor,

and they'll tell you go take a good fucking stomach your shit and watch that little pangor away. You got a little backup back there. You got to eat more vegetables and shit. But no, no, no, no. I know your people are hurting and with fans. Thank you very much for all the support. I want to thank Steve for coming on and sharing

and Lee personally knew him and knew them personally. And you guys know the deal with me and then. Um, sure of peace. Me too. I wish God heals them. Amen. For sure. Right now, like I said, I'm a Catholic person.

And I can just see him, seeing Maryland, hugging her right now. David Crowder and then Freddy Soto, and they're just hugging each other right now. Yeah. Go on what happened. And then, like, I left Coco down there. He's got my babies. He's got Lysia. you know right now he's hugging Maryland

and hugging and remember when I deep fried the turkey it's going to be Maryland's 10th year anniversary next month oh my god it's the 10th anniversary me doing blow 10 years never did cocaine man fucking tremendous life shifts if you're down don't fucking write it down

you just heard the fucking stories that made uh you know You just heard the stories that I have from one of the greatest fucking comics I ever came across and I judged him as a comic on stage but he was like the Roberto Clemente a comedy.

He gave everything he had to his fans he gave everything he had to his family and he gave everything he had to his friends. You're hearing it from me. Do not believe anything else you hear.

Listen, he did his fucking refa. he did a couple fucking drugs from time to time he smoked his pot he loved his children everything he did was with them in mind trust him to tell you we had deep conversations

I don't know what's happened the last two years and I don't want to know it's not my business what's my business is that he's in a better place he'll always have a piece of my heart with him and I'll have a piece of his heart and I thank you people

because I don't know how I'm going to deal with this from time to time now and listen guys I could feel that let me tell you I'm starting to feel a little bit of anger I can't lie to you people I felt it today I fucked up today

my wife didn't go to church today so I got caught up with them and I couldn't go to Jiu-Jitsu and it was a big fucking mistake and I had two kids parties So I couldn't even work out today It was one of those days that 140 I could feel anger

And it's all directed from Ralphie Mae Like that, it's starting to hit me that way now So now I've got to deal with that I gotta go Jiu Jitsu tomorrow and do 2,000 fucking jumping jacks And burn that fucking bullshit out That's what it's doing to me Because I felt it today

I took blood pressure medication I was like the same bueno The same bueno cocksuckers but I'm not going anywhere I'm getting my checkups that's another thing a lot of people sent me messages saying to

I'm with you guys Steve Simone am I a different man or my different man I drink water all the fucking time last night I drank a fucking little bit of soda

with this Mamook over here with Moose Jr and I had a good time He had some pizza with Pestown It was really nice at Burt Crises No

I didn't have the fucking pizza with the pesto and the goat cheese. I was embarrassed. Then they put sarachi on it to really throw me over the top. It was a green pizza as it was. It looked like somebody vomited. It looks like a cat vomiting. You know how they

if you make shrimp and lobster sauce and take everything out? Yeah. A little white vomit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what the pie looked like. A little green pesto on it and goat cheese to boot. Thank you for having you, Bert.

To really insult the fuck out of me, Okay. And then to really boot, they went, him and the Stamunkeya brother, he went and got that fucking hot sauce, Syraci. And we're putting sarachi on pizza. The slice I saw looked good though. It was old school, just plain cheese. Pepperoni.

That was the last life with Lee, like 22. I had two slices and you know it. He even took one in his jacket. He didn't think I could smell. I didn't wear a jacket. I could smell the slice in his jacket. I know he didn't have no hummus packed on his neck. I went to a party today.

party they had hummus and I just walked away from the table I didn't want to leave no evidence just in case I snapped they had hummus with tomato on it with little fucking nice little Italian breads what a waste of Italian bread I was going to say it's tough to find good bread out and then they had like three pepperonies I swallowed them all before any of those fucking Gentiles out of heart attack you eat three pepperonies you're fucking done how to go week this week dog I went to gymnastics class. I went to ballet class. I went to

a kid's birthday party. Went to like I said, my wife didn't go to fucking church this morning, so I ruined my morning. But I got to spend time with them. We went to two parties today. It was quite a weekend. Next week, Tampa bitches, and the weekend after that,

Lexington, Kentucky. Then the week after that, it's Halloween motherfuckers. And I'm at home. I got like a fucking recital on Friday night. I got like a fucking Halloween costume with how I'm Superman. Oh, that's awesome. Saturday night.

We'll keep your posted, motherfucker. See you in Tampa. Steve Simone, I want to thank you. Thank you for you. Steve Simone, I want to thank, my man, the Christ Killer, Lisa. I want to thank you. And I want to thank the Spirit of Ralphie Mae for guiding me in comedy the last 20 years, because that's what he did.

He fucking forced me to be a better comic when he taught me little things from time to time. So this podcast is out of respect for Ralphie Mae. I hope he's in a better place now. Amen. Thank you guys for listening. Have a great week. Stay black. Have a happy ambiguous day.

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