The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #524 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: October 11, 2017

Greg Fitzsimmons, Comedian and Host of the "Fitzdog Radio" podcast and "The Greg Fitzsimmons Show" on SiriusXM, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.    Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get $30 off of your first meal and free shipping! Recorded live on 10/10/2017.  

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coming at you with the weed Ralphie May smoke you understand me the night he fucking punched the ticket TMZ reported that he had a chicken sandwich and jalapeno paupas and I told me that he loved alapeon poppers from jacking the box we leave the comedy store and both go to the same place

you and Ralphie keep that music on keep that music going me Ralphie Ricky Cruz one of the girls we'd all go to the same place, the house, with different cars. And we'd always beat Ralphie by 20 minutes. And one day we found out that he would shoot the Gower, go through the drive-thru a jack-in-the-box,

and get a couple boxes of jalapeno Papa, and eat him on the way to the fucking house. And when he walked in, he'd go, what the fuck? Where are you been? I got caught in traffic. What the fuck are you talking about? What are in the same traffic? You are?

Oh, no shit. The poppers. Kick that mulee. It's the church of what's happening now. Wednesday. What is it tomorrow? 11th or 12th. It don't matter.

It's fucking Wednesday, cock suckers. Grab your balls, salute the flag. Things are going down. Kick that mulee. I want my earphones to light on fire. You understand me? I want the next time you see me. I got a hearing aid on one of these motherfuckers.

Just like that. If you're driving, don't jump out the fucking car. This song's going to make your fucking heartbeat. Your eyeballs fucking. Old school If I was a woman And I was going to have a baby This

This is the fucking labor music right here Labor or conceivment No the conceivment is once those drums kick in That's when the baby crowns Oh my God But leading up to that This murky stuff This is for breathing

If somebody asked me How would I describe the beginning of this I would never think of the description murky But it is murky Yeah It's a swamp A muddy swamp I heard this album

I listened to all four sides And I went to Whitey O'Donnell's house That night He's just standing there Playing with his fucking hair And shit That's it That's what he's doing

Yeah Hey Ooh Stop it Stopping Stopping people Yeah Listen to this masterpiece

It's a masterpiece face. That one was, it was one organism. They all became one organism. Never happened again. Breakfast. Simmons in the fucking house. The Irishman, fresh from New York, four months, the summer, dead of August, humidity.

You go home, you're wash, you got dirt in your hair, but you're still in the greatest city in the fucking world. It makes up for it. All the shit people complain about in New York, it's like, those are details. The headline is that my soul is alive. I'm creative. I'm writing new shit.

I'm bumping up against Asian girls with open-toed sandals on the subway. Looking down, pretend I'm checking my phone, but I'm really looking at those nubby little yellow toes. Oh, with the good, good fucking self-manacures, no paint, just the natural color of the toenail. Makes you want to go to one of those human trafficking joints over on Burbank. Boulevard, pay a chick the X of 20 to whack off on her toes. You know what I'm saying?

Sweetie, one on the floor or one on the table. Let's split those feet up. Listen, those fucking third world nations over there. You know, I always drive through either Burbank Boulevard or Magnolia. Yeah. I go to Jiu-Jitsu and I either take Magnolia or Burbank Boulevard. And I can't tell you how many times I'll be somewhere and I'll notice a new massage problem. Yep.

And I'm always Disclose to walking in one I go to one But I go on there with my wife It's right over here They really do a fucking job For Yeah

They got a happy hour 12 to 3 Yeah Oh you think you're in habit Unreal plus They take your shoes off They soak your feet Yeah

They rub from your knees down You put your hips back in place They rub your hands Your forearms your neck They twist your fucking neck Then they take you in the other room And they rub you down They put hot stone

on you for the small 40. And I give you a fucking hot cup of tea on top of it. Yeah. That place is tremendous. And here's the other tip. I got a punch card. If you're going to go to one of these places, get there before 3 o'clock, because they're not changing out the sheets. So you want to be the first nude guy

on those sheets. This place is tremendous. They may change the face rest, but they're not changing. No, no, they change everything. Yeah? Yeah, they change. I watch. I've been going there. Somebody said, a kid from Jiu-Jitsu said, go to this place. Tell me the truth. I'm not going to get a handjob. I go, don't make me go to a place there because that place is next to the little store I go to.

And the two sons always talk to me about sports and comedy and shit. So if that's a massage parlor, a handjob joint, yeah. Please don't fuck with me because I'll be embarrassed if I walk out of it and they see me. Yeah. And one day I was in the store, and I asked the guy if he heard anything about it. I'm thinking of going over there just to cover myself.

And he goes, people love it. It's fucking busy all the time. And they had a sign that said happy hour 12 to 320 bucks Neck, feet and legs or something, shoulders or something You get it, you know, you never went over there with me

No, I haven't. Oh, you got to buy him a gift certificate for that place. He won't go. His girlfriend won't want to go. We did zeal when we had zeal. I know, but you'll do zeal, but I don't know that Chinese people and, you know, be there immigrants. You're the only one who like, you only like Chinese people.

I know, I like all Asians. I'll take you over there with me one day. Because if now he won't go. He won't go. won't be allowed to go. Oh, you think, I went to a play. My wife gave me a coupon for a,

you know, I live down in Venice and right on Lincoln Boulevard. You know, there's all kinds of shacks on Lincoln Boulevard. Oh, they do have shacks on there? Oh, yeah. So she gives me this coupon. She got it in the mail. You know, one of those value pack envelopes that comes stuff,

you clean your carpets, and you go get a fucking whopper with cheese and dry cleaning. It's like all those coupons. And one of them is for this. Thai massage place. So it's my birthday and she sends me over there and

I walk in and this cute little little tiny tie girl behind the counter and she leads me back to the room and you know take off your clothes get under this towel. So I'm laying face down and I wait a few minutes goes by and then I hear the door open and you ready

I'm ready and then she starts rubbing but it's like she's fucking strong like this is not what I expected from this girl and she's working elbows and knees fucking, you know, deep. And I was like, wow, this is, and then, and then gets to the ass and starts oiling it up, doing some deep circles, like, like round,

to the point where I'm going like, did I take a dump today where you start worrying about your hygiene and how it smells back there? And then she goes, and she gets in that crease between my ass cheek and the leg. You know, she's got her finger in there. And I, and then there's like a little ball graze. and I think, oh-oh.

Then she gets the other cheek. Same thing, rubs it, oils it, gets in that crease. Second ball grays. Now you got my attention. Slaps me on the ass. You turn over, which is for play,

for a lot of guys in America. Those three words, you turn over. I turn over. I look up, and it's fucking, it's a dude with lipstick on. Asian dude,

long hair, lipstick on. It's not the woman. from the front desk and he starts rubbing my thighs front of my thighs are you putting me i swear to christ why you telling me this you know i did like 10 stars tonight this thing of mushroom i swear to christ you're scared and so the dude's rubbing my thighs and he starts to he starts to go on the inside and i start to feel a little little pressure and then uh he didn't go for it and to this day I think I don't know what to happen

Like I can't look you in the eye And say that no Was on the tip of my tongue At that moment I think I would have said no It was the lipstick It was the lipstick When you're laying on your back

Anybody shows up a lipstick You'll let them suck your dick You know what I'm saying Are you kidding Fucking until the huns can show But lipstick on And flowers And they're sucking dick

That's just the way you're Yeah you can put a You can put a lipstick on a pig Absolutely. Once I see the lipstick, that's when I told the side kick of death and I run the fuck out of there and then the cops come and I tell him he tried to suck my dick.

No, I didn't, but you got lipstick on. It's not like the only other fucking hot dog eating contest. You know what I'm saying? They're going to check your dick for lipstick. One day, I went to Jitsu like two days in a row and I couldn't walk. And I got up that morning, I knew exactly what time it was. I dropped mercy.

off. I got breakfast. I sent to me emails. And at 11 o'clock, I went over there. I walk over there, and every China guy is busy. But the best one over there is the girl. She's like a weightlifter. Yeah. Chinese weightlifter. Yeah. She's strong and she's very sweet. I really like. And the guys are cool, too. But don't go on Wednesday. She's not out there on Wednesdays. And I went in there, and I've been going there, and then I took my wife there when she heard her back, and now we go together. And it's a great time. They've got a TV. We watch Lono. Chinese people love Law & Order SVU.

They love it. Black people like Red Lobster. Chinese people love Law & Order SVU. Go to any Chinese restaurant. They got this VU on trying to figure out the crime. Or they know it already. They wrote the script. You know what I'm saying?

These New York cops, they're looking for details. They know exactly who raped abroad. Those fucking Chinese people. They're savages. You go down to Chinatown. That's when they're really stuck, they take that fucking... So I go over there, one day, about 2.30,

this was like a, like I was high, and I was kind of bored. I said, let me go get a fucking massage. Yeah. I'd go do this. I had to fly the next day, something. And I went over there, this had to be four months ago. And I went over there, and there was no parking

in the fucking thing, and there was no parking on that street. Yeah. And I was like, I'm fucked. So I found parking like a block away. I walked over, sure enough. Come back in 25 minutes. or sit for 25, I go, fuck this. And I go, there got to be another one of these that don't want to fucking suck your dick.

You know what I'm saying? And I went down in Lancashire and I made a U-turn. I saw like two of them. I went to the Thai one first and the chick was too brown for me. Like she was, something was wrong with her. She had gotten, like, somebody left her under the fucking sun tanning boot for three days.

Something was wrong with this chick. Wait a minute. You won't go to her. a masseuse because she's too dark an Asian woman? I said the word wrong. She was something was wrong with her. Oh, oh, okay. Something was wrong with the skin. Right. And Greg didn't even get up when he saw the dude.

She had to be... Right, I know. She had to be... No, no, I said it wrong. I'm very sorry if I insult anybody. She was like those people that you put under a sun tanning thing. Yeah. And they've been under it for 30 years. Oh, like dried out and wrinkles.

Like orange. Yeah. It was orange. Yeah. I never saw anybody that skin color. You know. And I went in there and I just smelled the sperm. Yeah.

I had a mild smell of sperm. You put out your black light. She had a creepy look on the face. And I just took a menu. I just said, look, I want to come back with my wife. I took a menu. Okay, thank you. What time you open till?

And I got in the car and I split. And there was one two blocks down that I've always wanted to check out. I've been going to that fucking ha-ha for nine fucking years. And that spot there, I've heard a thousand creepy stories. but I've also heard that there's chicks in there that give great fucking massages. I've heard prone conned that they try to give, no, no, I've heard both.

Well, it took me three minutes to know. I could smell the air of sperm. Oh, yeah. They were two chubby dudes sitting there waiting to get massages, and they had like an embarrassed look on their face. Yeah. Like somebody would go, Joe, yeah, is that you?

These guys didn't want me to know who they were and they didn't want to know who the fuck I was. The lady said, you have like a 30 minute wait. I said, I'll be back. PIN. And that was it. My curiosity was settled. Yeah, if this is a double door with a lock on it.

I have friends like going to those things. Like, some bulletproof glass. Yeah, I have friends that go to those things. Something's got to be. Like, I don't try. Unless you have a condom, the whole sack and around the nuts like that up to your stomach. I found something out. What?

Because you know how Red Band a while ago said the thing about Saran Wrap? Yeah. They do that because a condom in that place is like it shows what you're going in there for. Yeah. So they get charmed. charged if you have condoms. That's why they have the saran wrap. What do they charge you with? I don't know. Probably.

Prostitution. Yeah, her for them. I don't know what it does for Yeah, it's probably you have to prostitution. Listen, I don't want to, I don't want nothing. Nothing with saran wrap. I got a wife. You know, I don't want nothing. If you're going to put saran wrap on, there's a problem with your fucking life. You know what I'm saying? Well, they're going to suck your dick with saran wrap. You're going to stick it in a hole with saran wrap. Something is not psychologically corrected.

I don't know. I see them today. I went and got gas just now. I left the house at a quarter, too, and as I was pumping gas, there's one over there by my golf over there. That's my favorite gas station. I cross from the Mexican car wash,

across the potato tacos, denies, and the fucking massage parlor. That massage parlor has been there since day one. If you look at it, you're like, they've killed people again. Like, they've sent the Chinese mob boss in there, and they've stabbed them in there. Yeah.

It's creepy. I've never, ever seen a customer. Oh, it's like on the side of the street. Across the street from Scientology. Yeah. Yeah, it's been there, right, for 20 years. You've never seen, you have to stop there. That's the busiest light in the valley.

So you always stop there. You look around the gas station. You look at the Denny's. You look at the potato taco place. You look at the car wash. Then you look at the massage ball and go. Who the fuck would step in there? Yeah.

It's in between like an end. engine rotary place and like a fucking something else. It's like a lawyer or a travel agent or something crazy. And it just says massage. And years ago, years ago, before I got hip to that whole Lancasham Street. Because there's a whole thing that was going on there. I don't hang out on Lancashire no more. So I don't know.

When I moved to the Valley nine years ago, Lancashin, they were running hookers there at night. and I didn't catch it at first, Greg. Lancashim and North Hollywood? Right there. We'll go right. We could walk there. Right. I didn't catch it at first.

And I kept saying, it's North Hollywood. Why am I saying all these cute little black chicks with our pants on it? Walking down Lancashire at 10 o'clock at night? They work them out of that hotel. Oh, they were working them out of that hotel behind the Jitsu school by the old weed store I used to go to. Okay, so as soon as you cross. As soon as you cross riverside and you cross the habit, it's on the right. Right there, that weightlifting store, there's a bodega, a weightlifting store, all that.

There's a hotel behind that. If you make it right and see the hotel, you're like, oh, yeah. Nobody ever knows there's a hotel back there. Yeah, it's called like the Colony Inn or something. The Colony Inn. I used to stay in the front of the, huh-huh, three nights a week. Yeah. And like an asshole, like go, look at this.

Black chick at 11 o'clock at night. wonder if she's doing a spot and one day I finally put it together I go oh so that corner over there when you stopped at the light you look at it

you're like okay they give massages but I get gas there and way way in the beginning when I first started going there a girl came out of there one day

and I gotta tell you I wouldn't go in there you mean one of the masseuses came out of there I have no idea what she was but if she look like that, what our friends look like. You know what I'm saying? Birds of a feather flocked together. Yeah. Well, I got a place in Venice that I go to. There's a car wash I go to right on

Lincoln Boulevard by Washington. And you go in and I don't know how it's so fucking cheap. I mean, what does water cost that they're doing car washes for fucking $999, you know, with, you know, with, you know, three guys hosing it down and brushing it. You go out there, I give the guy a five tip, he looks at me like, I just fucking paid his rent for the month. He's like, thank you. Like, it's nothing. For what you just did, you're staying out in the hot sun, fucking hand polishing my car for 15 minutes?

For five weeks, I had that job. Jesus. Seven bucks an hour plus tips. You figure it out. Everybody gives you a dollar. They're driving a BMW. You know, they're driving a rocket ship. They give you a dollar.

Some dude comes in with a Cadillac. He goes to your 20. He goes, you go, Doug. Busted Cadillac. No license play. It don't work. The car smells like a fucking dead stripper. But he throws you a 20.

So when they see that, they go crazy. Yeah. So there's a massage place next door to there. So I dropped the car off and I go, I'm going to be an hour. You know, just put it aside. When you're done, I'll take care of you. And then I walk right next door into this massage place. And it's like you said, the fucking hot stones and your feet.

And they spray the air with some kind of fucking eucalyptus spray. little tea when you're done. And then I come back, and you always feel like a million bucks when you just got your car washed. But we just got a massage and your car washed. It's the greatest.

And you got a bag of weed. You don't have to go out that night and your wife is making your favorite dish like chicken corn and blue with mashed potatoes or something. Who's better than you? And if you're lucky, she made a look at you give her a stabbing

in the middle of the night. If the kid don't ask to sleep with you, you know what I'm saying? Monday, man. That's the only way to start the week. Because we work on the weekend. We've got to look at Monday as our weekend day. Monday is our big day.

I still feel creepy about massages. I'm not going to lie to you. I started getting massages. How long have I been fucking around with you? Maybe five years. Yeah. Like two years after, once I hurt my back, the place I go to, they give you a massage place. They give you a massage first, then they put you to the chiropractic.

So you're nice and loose. They put fucking buzzers on you and shit. But the massage is still in your city. Yeah. They're not even hurting your feelings. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You're like, rub me the fuck down.

The chick won't shut the fuck up. For the small 20-year-she won't shut the fuck up. Yeah. I don't know if it's L.A., but it seems like there's a lot more acceptance for guys doing stuff like that now. I don't remember a lot of guys getting massages and all that stuff when I was younger,

but it seems like guys are you can take care of yourself. Yeah, in L.A. It's amazing. No, New York is the same way. I know a lot of comics in New York do the Jack Shack thing. They're all over the village. If you came to me tomorrow and said, I don't want to do the podcast no more.

I want to be a massage. therapist, you know me, I giggle for eight minutes and call you the fucking masseuse for a month. But after you graduate, you know, I don't know how old you are, Greg, I don't want to tell your age on the radio, whatever fuck this is podcast, but when I was growing up,

all those tough guys and movies, always got massages from massage, from the men. From men, big burly guys that were breaking their back and they'd have to go, Mel, knock it off. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

And they had like a bottle of vodka next to him so he could do a shot while he was getting on the size. Yeah. So I would go to somebody, but between you and I, it's like me going to a doctor, I don't know him for a while. Yeah. For me to really let everything go, like Dr. Wax, I walk in there.

You know, he's a, we need to take blood. I trust everybody. I haven't gone in for 10 years. Yeah. The first two years, I would faint. Yeah. The one time they shot me in the ass and I faint. They had to give me two shots.

One on each head sheet. I took the first one after the first one, I said, it's over. What are you got? I left. One time they gave me a physical before the blood test, I left. I had to go back there on Monday. You had to call me at the house personally, Joey. You got to take the blood test.

When I first started going to him, I wouldn't even walk in his office if a needle was involved. When I went down there, I go, listen, this is what I'm feeling. If a needle is involved, let me know right now so I can leave. It used to be a joke with us. You'd be like, you'd postpone the blood test, I think, like, 15 times or something. Even when I started still with you. Yeah, like a couple years ago. You had to go for a blood test in, like, December, it was like March.

I owed my knee doctor a blood test for nine months. He kept calling me, Joey. We're going to get that blood test. I got a call the other day from the shit doctor, the guy that wants you to put, I've been looking at this box for a month. They gave it to me since when I did my physical. 60 days ago, they gave me another one of those boxes. When I turned 50, they gave me a box.

Why, is that standard? The shit test? When you turn 50, they mail you a box. First, they call you. They try to fuck with you. You know what I'm saying? You're driving the kids. You're thinking about going to Tampa tomorrow.

You're going to take the kids to Burger King after the soccer game. And listen to the phone rings and you're like Kaiser Permanente. They're on the level. Kaiser what's going on? Is this what's going on? Yeah, is this Mr. Mr. Kaiser? Is this fucking no.

Fitzsimmons? Yeah. This is Mr. Fitzsman. Mr. Fitzsimmons, first off, I want to wish you a happy birthday. You're like, how did you know? Listen. As you're turning 50, your body ages, and we need for you to do us a favor, we're going to send you a box in the mail. I swear to God, I'm high as fuck.

I'm under one-on-one. I'm minding my own business. I take the call just because they took the call because the baby was born at that hospital with that insurance. So I took the call. And there was my wife's insurance, but I was under it. Even though I had SAG insurance, I went to do theirs, too. They were a lot fucking better.

They gave the baby for free. Yeah. Not a dime. Wow. They paid for it at the company. The fucking, the baby was free, Jack. Not a dime. That's like 15 grand normally.

None of time, yeah. Yeah. Another dime. So they called me and they said, we're going to send you a box. We'd like for you to return it with some feces. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I'm on the 101 in traffic. Whose feces?

I go, who's, no. I go, what are you talking about feces? He goes, you know, if you to go to the baby. bathroom and take a little scoop out, put it in the box and mail it back to us and there's a self-returned postage box. It'll take you five minutes of your time. But not the insurance

won't cover you five years from now, a bunch of shit. I go, listen, let me think about it. All right. Send me the box. Let me think about it. Let me look it over. I'll consider it. I want to shit in the box. I got off the phone with that guy. I'm like, I'm going a shit in no box. He's out of this fucking bird.

About a month later, I go to my doctor. for a physical another way out. He goes, oh, by the way, Suzanne, get him one of those boxes. And I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, listen, we're going to give you a little box.

When you feed you to scrape your shit, put it in the box. I'm like, you, with this fucking box dog. He goes, why? My wife's insurance company called me with the same fucking box story. I ain't shitting in no box. It's not happening.

This is a felony. It's a felony. It's going to be a felony. I know for a fact, if you shit in the box and mail it to somebody You're going to get a year time. That's fucking a terrorist act. A piece of my shit, after four or five days in the box,

you open that with all those gnats in it and pieces of fucking... Stems. Stems and God knows what, yogurt-covered fucking raisins that don't digest in your stomach. Chicken wings from the comedy store. No, I won't eat nothing from the comedy store. I love the comedy store. And I love those chefs and stuff. but I think we've eaten one thing from the comedy store.

That was it. Yeah, I never ate anything from there. I'm not even hungry at that time anymore. I've never... I think I've rarely pissed. I think I've pissed twice in all the years there. I just... When I go to a club, I don't piss and I don't eat.

I'm there to work. Not there to have fun. When you were in New York, did you do a lot of spots? Oh, yeah. Did you enjoy writing and crashing? Oh, you mean this summer, I didn't do a ton of spots this summer. I would do like... I would do, I should lean into the mic a little more, huh?

Justin sends his love, by the way. Oh, yeah? Yes. Yeah, I spoke to. Well, he's got to start playing hockey with me again. We just play hockey together, me and your agent, our old agent. Our old agent. So, New York was tough because I would work 12, 14 hours, writing on crashing as season two coming out.

I don't know when. And I would be fucking exorkewarm. 12, 14 hours, sitting in your director's chair, looking at the screen while the actors are over there, and then these long breaks and they'd feed you all day, and then after 12 hours, I'd have a spot, you know, three hours later, you know, 10.30 at night, and I'd be like, fuck this. And I'd go out, I'd get on the L train into Manhattan, rent the city bike,

take it from 14th Street down to the village, park it, go inside, see Bobby Kelly, you know, hang out with some good people. But still, that's how much. I got up, I wasn't even that into it. I was just like doing it to do it to make fucking $15. And then back on the city bike, back to the subway, back to Brooklyn, you know, 10-minute walk to the apartment. And I was like, I can't do this. So I just started doing Sunday nights. I was the only night. I'd go out and do three or four spots on a Sunday. And then I'd go on the road on the weekends. I went out and did a few spots. But the village, we were mostly working in the village, you know, shooting the show.

not mostly but a lot of times we'd work at the comedy seller the village underground shoot out there August middle of the night we're out there at midnight on fucking mcdougal street trying to shoot and you know all the animals that are out there jersey tourists from jersey you know people from the middle east that want to you know videotape everything there's something when people see a camera it's it's yeah when you're shooting something it's it drives you nuts when people when people see a camera they have to do something what would you do if you were on vacation walking with your child. Yeah.

And they saw a camera shooting. You guys live in Iowa. You don't go. It's greatest thing in the world. Yeah. Yeah. No, you'd have to run the fuck over there and just to see what's going on. Those people were okay.

It was the guys from Jersey who wanted to make noise. And there'd be homeless people. And this was the racket. This one guy, and it happened to us a couple times. He comes up and we're shooting. We got 200 extras on the street. We got 50 people on the crew. Union.

Clock is ticking. Money's going down the tubes. And all of a sudden we start shooting and this guy goes, yeah, yeah. And we're like, wait for the take, do it again. As soon as we start shoot, well, you realize he's fucking with us.

You know, he's his homeless guy. And he's standing right across the street and he's waiting. And there's nothing you can do. You can call a cop. But that dude's standing on McDougal Street. At midnight, he can fucking yell. What are he going to do?

And so we go on and then finally the one of the producers goes I'll take care of him I'll go give him some money he walks over everybody stops and waits you see him talking to me hands him some money guy walks away I go hey well that was a that that that's just fucking saved us a lot of money I go how much did you give him he goes a dollar was another homeless guy coming up next you could have held out for five we would have given you six and then you'd have a fucking then you'd have a fight break out there'd always be some some guy from Jersey with his girlfriend. I don't want to say Italian, but you know they're Italian.

And they're screaming at each other. And, yeah, it was long nights. We'd get done at five in the morning sometimes. Yeah, it's crazy. That's the thing. It sounds fun working in TV, but the reality is, like, you got to work your ass off. Here's the deal. Here's the deal with TV.

When I first got here, you know, I'm a savage. You hire me, Greg, and I get on the fucking set. and I'm not working within 20 minutes. I would go nuts. Yeah. I didn't understand this whole concept about waiting. Right. I did an industrial in Seattle for AT&T

where you carry boxes in the background. For like their training materials? Yeah, as they explain whatever, the procedure, how to carry a fucking box or something like that. And then I got here, and I did a pilot for CBS, and I had no idea what I was doing. like no idea no acting lessons no nothing i'm lying i did a college film for a friend yeah and i won the festival at the university of colorado was horrible he just asked me remember me the sentence here

keep it dude you gotta get that oh my god i would pay anything to see that shit oh my god i get hit in the head with a bottle or hit the head in a bottle it's shot the diner but it was funny i got sponsors and i got like a lady to donate five times $1,000. She was starting up a taco salsa company or something. I was just thinking about that when the guy called and said, do you want a copy of that for your resume?

So I got on the set here. I don't know what the fuck's going on. I had no fucking idea. But then over time, I watched other people and the professionals, they don't say peep. You keep them there for three fucking days. You know why? Because they keep themselves in this.

thing. They come with everything. If you have a trailer, you usually have, if it's a great HBO production or a high-end movie or a pretty good TV show, they have a TV with a DVR. Like a C, whatever the fuck that you can bring your own movies. DVD player, yeah. A DVD player. I'd bring three movies a day.

Yeah. Bruce Lee movies, John. Shit that you're not going to watch at home. Yeah. Shit that you're not going to watch at home. in front of your wife or your kid that you haven't seen in 20 years, that you got some stupid emotional attachment to, if I know I'm going to have a 14-hour day on the set

and I'm only going to shoot two scenes, that's what I'm bringing. Make up the tattoo by the time they shoot it, the homeless guy going, ah, uh, uh, uh, you can watch 10 fucking movies. Yeah. A book, a notebook, you know, Rifa, mints. You come prepared. pillow, a blanket, a sleep apnea machine.

When I did the longest yard, after a week, I figured it to fuck out. I figured it out. It's not that they're making more money, I didn't get anything. These guys are wanted to stay in there all day. I did those movies with Dean Cain. I learned a lot

from Dean Cain. A lot. I learned how to act on the set. He grew up in it. So you know Dean Cain a 20-hour day. He'll take that and spit it out. he does everything he knows his lines and I asked him why he was so good he said because of Superman

Superman was 60 they had that nulatic on the set who was that chick that was on the show that's oh right so she turned out to be a nightmare those are 18 hour fucking days five days a week can you imagine that late

18 hour days seven in the morning you're coming home at 1130 five nights in a fucking row and you have to have the next day's things memorized. Just every, you know, they have a 12-hour turnaround, but those shows don't give a fuck.

Yeah. Back then, they didn't give a fuck. They paid the 12-hour turnaround that. That's $1,000 if you're an actor. To call you in before the 12 hours, boom, that's $1,000. I go in just to sit in the trailer and go, what a waste of money.

They just fought, what they, it's called the fourth call. Isn't it called a forced call? Yeah. Forrest call. But Greg, you had to be there. hold that you had to be there every second, it sounded like. It wasn't too bad because we didn't have to be there for crew call. Was it like, you know, an hour, hour and a half before

we had to be there. And so we'd show up and it's Judd Apatow, so we're fucking treated like kings. It would be a burrito truck, breakfast burrito truck out front with a whole craft services table, all fresh, skillet. A guy working the blender for you, making you vegetables. drinks, whatever. And then you go inside, you work for about an hour and a half, and then the muffin man comes around.

This guy would have a big basket filled with hot muffins, past those around, just when you're hitting the hump. You have another cup of coffee. And then they would have a pre-lunch meal, which was a union thing. At like 11, 1130, they'd have like a little pasta station, maybe sausage and peppers, something like that. And then you'd be off for lunch. You get an hour for lunch.

and if Judd's there, you're going to the best restaurant in New York. The whole crew, no. No. Him and some of the actors are just the writers and producers. Yeah, whoever. And then we come back and there'd be a late lunch. It'd be an after lunch lunch, lunch. How are you not 400 pounds?

I put this belly on this summer. I used to weigh 150. I weigh 158. It's the fatest I've ever been. And then you get dinner. You end up getting dinner a lot of times. And so you get treated right. And, you know, it wasn't, there was no drama on set.

It was like, everybody got along, a piece of cake. But it's still, it put in hours. A lot of time to think. Too much time to think, you know. So how many weeks was it for you? Well, we wrote for five weeks in L.A. in April. And then we went to New York in, I, I think May, beginning of May,

we're there May, June, July, most to August. Almost four months. But, you know, hanging out all day with fucking Attel, Artie Lang. You know, me and Artie hung out a lot. Being Bill, I wrote an episode for Bill Burr. So he came in and got to hang out with him and his wife, Nia, who's fucking great. Right, right, right, right. And just me and Bill sit in his trailer for hours in between takes and just laugh,

just fucking crack each other up. Who else would come in? Big J. O'Kerson. Yeah, a lot of guys. A lot of funny motherfuckers. And who had a lot of time to kill. So that was the upside. That's crazy.

Yeah. It's great for comedy. It's great for comedy. Yeah. It really is. You go to these clubs and all these clubs from the A rooms in the city to the fucking D rooms.

A packed with comedy during the week. Yeah. Yeah. You know, my buddy Brian fucking runs that laugh factory. in Chicago, packed on the weekends with an open mic. Oh, they don't do headliners there, do they do that? No, no. They just get local guys coming in?

12 minute, 10 minute sets to a couple dudes. Throw them a couple bucks, sell it out? Sell it out, old school. Wow. And everybody works, everybody's fucking happy as a comic. Yeah. No, comedy's, uh, knock wood, man. It's, it's doing as good as it was during the comedy.

Well, probably as big as they were as they're, comedy boom back in the 80s, right? Yeah. Are you still in love with it? Not this year. I'm not happy with myself this year. I got a, I got, I'm finally, I'm finally like getting excited about it again,

but for those four months, I just wasn't doing stand-im. It was the longest I've ever gone, and it made me depressed. It was like, I realize it's built into my system. I need, as selfish as it is, I need to stand in front of a group of people and have them give me, like, positive reinforcement every fucking night.

And when I'm doing it, a one night a week, it just wasn't enough. Really? So now I've been back on the road the last month and a half, and I'm getting it back. I'm getting my mojo back. But I was the only time of my life I felt like I wasn't sharp. I wasn't, you know, in control of what I was trying to do.

Remember that love you had the first seven fucking years? It was greater than any love you could have for any woman. Yeah. Child, maybe not. a woman, when you think about your third or fourth year in comedy, it's all you thought about. Yeah. It's all you thought about.

You know, you watch, you know, it's funny, Lee always calls me. Did you watch, this guy special just came out? Lee, relax. I've been watching specials for 30 fucking years. There's 20 years. How many specials can you say verbatim? How many specials do you know verbatim, honestly? Anything?

I know the Dice one verbatim. I know Rodney's one. Probably Steve Martin's first. I used to memorize albums. Yes, okay. But not one of it. So I guess, yeah, I could definitely, I could do Steve Martin's wild and crazy guy. I could do Cosby himself.

That's a good one. There's, yeah, not too many after that. I was, was it something like I said, Richard Pryor? Yeah. Delirious. Yeah. I liked Andrew Dice Clay. I liked both

Rodney, Young Comedian Special, along with Lenny Clark. It was a mixture. It was like Lenny, Seinfeld, Domerera, Kennyson,

Dice, Hicks, Barry Sobel, Carol Leifah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brilliant. That's the ABC's... Bobcat.

No, Bobcat, wasn't on that. No? No. Bobcat was on one of them, but he wasn't on that special. It was fucking nuts. I rented the one so much that the video store just told me to keep it. I thought he can't be serious. You've already bought this thing three times. Take it.

And there was one tape that I really enjoyed. You're not going to believe this. It was called Def Jam Little Stars. and the warm-up to little man, Martin, was Joe Torrey. Joe Torre came before Martin Lawrence. Joe Torre would go up there first,

do 10, 12 minutes, and then he would bring up Martin Lawrence, Martin Lawrence and do 10 or 12 minutes, then he would host Def Jam. Joe Tori has a bit in there that is so fucking funny that I memorized. And whenever I see Joe now,

I don't say hello, nothing. I stand next to him, and I do the bit. and he just giggily, motherfucker. You still remember that? He's still doing it, Joe, too. No, no, no, no. But he was like, how to fuck do you remember? And I go, Joe, I watched that tape for a year and cried, you know, like that.

That's when you come back, I would do like two sets in Boulder, one in Denver, one in Boulder. And then I would come home and get a package of Coke and snort Coke and write my goals. and I would circle the clubs I was going to play at some day someday someday I'll be good enough to play the punchline in Walnut Creek you know what I'm saying? I was just circling these clubs

like Seattle car I still remember the Seattle Underground circling circling. Oh that's back when you got that book that listed all the clubs in it? You got the magazine. The magazine, yeah.

The magazine. Comedy USA or something? It was put out by John Fox. Yeah. It was called Just for lapse. And it was a little magazine that came out once a month. I started reading it

maybe March in 1991. It really got me fired up. It was the beginning of Central. I had a subscription of that shit. Every month they'd tell you what headliners were playing what clubs all around the country. Every fucking club in the country. It told you what the lineup was. And your dick got hard. As a young comic,

your dick would get hard. Someday I'm going to fucking play at that fucking club. Fuck Lenny Clark. Yeah. Fuck Lenny Clark. I'm Take a Lenny Clark's chop, but I'm better than Lenny Clark. I'll show. And then you go bomb at the fucking saloon the next day in front of 18 people. What a great fucking experience.

Yeah. What a great fucking experience. If somebody came to me with that look in their eye and said, man, this is all I think about, dream about. I moved into my car. Can you fucking lay it on me? I'd say, listen, the storm. gonna lay on you after this i don't know if you want to be a comic like the first two years three

years of doing comedy oh my god gregg it was fucking rough four years yeah four fifth year driving all around the country doing triple runs to fucking the other company comedy whatever out of Nebraska i was just mixing a match in yoda i was going all over in a fucking car the frame had already broken i welded it back together No, no, that ping got. Yeah. Fucking front bumper fell off. Yeah.

And then one night before the Seattle comedy competition, it was raining out. My tires were bald. And I was doing 90 up a ramp because I was like number four in the lineup. And the fucking new Subaru stopped in front of me, and I just rear end them. Oh. And the fucking car looked like a violin.

It was done. I just pulled it over to the side, took my basketball out, and walked over to the fucking Seattle comedy competition. I borrowed the key, from Josh Wolf, put the basketball in this car, told him we had to stop over there. The dude who bought the Subaru just looked at me and shook his head.

He was like, do you even have insurance on this thing? What do you think? He knew there was no upsides of this experience. If you don't understand the comedic experience of you, listen, God bless you. Maybe you do a year in your neighborhood. You move to L.A. You're young and good looking.

You're just that funny. You come out here and all the pieces fall and you're the TV and you get a TV show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you're great at doing 15 minutes sets around town. And that's going to work out for you for solo until they put you in front of pressure in Las Vegas and you fold like a twig because you've never done an hour. Right. Or they give you a one hour special when you're not ready.

When you're not ready. And I chose the other route like Greg did. We chose to muscle it out. Yeah. hand-to-hand combat, whatever, let's do this shit. One night you're at a pizza place, one night you're at the improv. The next day you're in a basement and there's no water, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

It's fucking. And people that aren't in it can't understand that that pizza place, like, you know, I understand. No, this pizza place, this is the good one. This is the, this is a good fucking room. And they're like, you're playing in a pizza place. I'm like, eh, you don't get it. You don't get it. It wasn't even the pizza place.

It was the audience. Yeah. And the set. No, that's what I mean. Like, they didn't understand that, like, there was a pecking order to rooms. And, you know, me and Rogan, starting out in New England, we would just, we would go to, we would drive down to a fucking clam shack and Narragans at Rhode Island because they had a fucking brand new sound stage. And then we'd get hot chicks and we'd go down there. And, you know, there was different rooms in Boston that one was in a vault.

It was called the Comedy Vault. Yeah, I wanted to date there. It was it, really? Yeah. It's the basement of an old bank. And they literally, you walk in, and there's a giant fucking vault, and you're sitting in a vault. That's how small it is. Rick Doherty's Comedy Vault.

And it was a fucking crazy, it was so good that even when I was getting paid, I'd work there for free and I would have to stack chairs after my set. And I would still do it. That's how good it was. For fucking 30 people. But people don't understand. You're working in a bed. Why? You're in a basement?

No, you don't understand. It's fucking, it's like heaven. They don't. They don't. I wouldn't understand if you came to me. But how long do you think it would last for you guys? Like, obviously it took long, like, it took, I don't know how long it took to make it, but if you guys were now still doing open mics, do you think you'd still be doing it?

Well, 28 years? No. No, there's a problem, then. Yeah. Now you have to come to terms of yourself. But let me tell you some. What if? What if you've always been a comedy enthusiast?

and what if on Tuesday nights at the Red Onion they get 65 people and he only does a fucking open mic that he's been doing since Jesus left Chicago he's got pictures of everybody who came through there and did a spot you know he doesn't pay you it's just a hot club

and it's been there so what was that talking about? Yeah so why wouldn't he do it? You know? I think you're going if someone did an open mic on Tuesdays every week for a while I backed out there for a second

These stars were a little stronger I anticipated this evening You know what I'm saying? It was like you just got pulled over by a cop I'm telling you that mushroom Took me for a loop there for a second I'm trying to save you But I can't remember either

You just removed it No but no we were talking about Like when you guys still be doing comedy If right now we're still doing open mics No but there's a guy somewhere that has a family and has a job that he makes

$160,000 a year his house is paid for he's got two cars he's got three beautiful kids but he fucking loves comedy and every Tuesday night guess what this guy does he goes down and he battles it out

every Tuesday and guess what he doesn't have a chance in fucking hell he wouldn't have a chance you know if he was it just doesn't have a chance

but that doesn't matter no it's like being in a garage You're going to stop a guy from fucking picking up a base in his friend's garage and jamming on a Tuesday night? I don't give a fuck if you're a hobbyist. There's comics who have said to me, what the fuck? Bro, he's just a hobbyist. Maybe he's got a wife. And maybe he came to terms that he's not going to fucking do this.

He knows he doesn't have the time. And he's got three kids, you know, whatever. He just comes. There was a couple guys in Denver that would show up. And there was one guy in particular, a black guy. that sold insurance. He'd show up at this place, and it's a, was it in Boulder?

And he sold insurance, always came in with a nice suit, he'd do 15 minutes, have three drinks, get on a couple white chickling leave. And I asked him a few times, do you want to go on the road on the weekend, do 15? Nah.

That meant just to me. That's where it is for me. Yeah. And when I went to Denver, I asked the bomb, they said he finally quit after 20-something years. Denver's got a lot of comics Oh that are like that

That have full-time jobs And a normal life And they come out And because that club is so good And there's other local clubs They can sleep in their own bed every night And go out and do sets And not really

Not really hit the road that hard That was my plan Until I got kicked out of the comedy works Yeah In 1994 Wendy was starting to like me She was giving me star spots during the week.

I was living in Boulder. My life was a fucking disaster. But comedy? It was starting to pick up a little bit. You know what I'm saying? I was starting to get a gig once a month, $200 on the weekend. I'd do four sets during the week.

I had a great comedy way to develop. I was thinking about it one day. Mondays, I went to this Australian bar that was in the back of a back of a back of like, what's that Australian place? The outback? The outback. This was in the back of the outback.

It sat like 18, but they'd have 12 people in there every Monday. The same 12 people. I'd go there and eat a bag of dicks. Tuesday, I think I used to go to the broker where I got banned from them. Then they let me back in. I go to the Comedy Works. Wednesday, I go to Club 56. That's why I threw the microphone at the guy.

I fucking hit him in the head with the microphone when he flicked the fucking beer thing at me. Mother fucking kept flicking beer things at all the comedians. You're sitting there watching the comics, and you can see the beer things flying at the comics. The beer caps. You know what motherfuckers pulled a beer cap on? He was flicking it. They figured out a way to flick it with their fingers. I could flick it about 25 yards. Yeah, and the comment, and they were going to pass the comic, and they hit one comic, and they got kind of like a comedic argument. But I went up there to go, listen, do me a favor. The first fucking beer cap I see, I'm going to fucking smack a motherfucker. I didn't stop saying that, and a beer cap came at me. And I looked at the guy, and he charged the table.

Why are people so stupid? I got a microphone in my hand. Listen, I belted him, the microphone broke, the batteries came out. That was the best. Had two fucking D batteries in it. I had the stand. He went down. He was holding on to his head.

I had to stand. The other two guys boogie to the back. I got out. I made the fucking bartender pay me the 25. Thank God I already had my dinner They used to give you 25 bucks And a free dinner You got the steak and baked potato

And a salad What are you fucking kidding me Half those places is how to feed you That's what people don't understand People say to you Why don't you go to that place? Shit. You ever have the ham and cheese sub at 9 o'clock

When you haven't eaten all day Dude I survived on the comedy cellar for years That Middle Eastern food upstairs At the Olive Tree Cafe Oh, Jesus Christ. It's like the best Middle Eastern food in the city. Oh, Jesus Christ. The hummus is amazing.

Oh, Jesus Christ. And then they got a Baba Ginoosh. Oh, Jesus. That's a meal in itself. He could just sit there and eat Baba Ganesh on warm pita bread and be happy. No, you can sit there. Uncle Joey won't even go on that fucking block, Baba Ganoosh. Oh, really?

Yeah, I don't like none of that food. It gives me the fucking, a lot of that I just don't like. There's a lot of Cuban food I don't like. Yeah. So, you know, just to be honest, So what happened? You got bounced out of the Denver Comedy Works? My life was everything

Like I said, everything happens for a reason because I was already settled. Like my mind, I saw what the Denver comics were doing. I hung out with one of the best ones. I was dear friends of him. And I'm going to sit at his house and I was watching

the game and people calling him and Dennis Miller would be calling him to help him write. and, you know, all these people, he had two other guys from Denver that one, came out here and had shows. They were called this guy constantly and move out to L.A. and help him right.

So I knew people. This guy had a gig at the time. Every Tuesday he got up, and he went to like AT&T training headquarters, and he did 45 minutes as an electrical fucking coordinated. So he'd go out there with a fucking white smock on and talk to him about the conductivity of electricity, that he'd belt into 45 minutes of material

and fuck their world up and trick him to death. He'd go a little blue on him to push the envelope, and he'd suck him back in. He was great, this guy. And he made tremendous money doing that gig. Yeah. So he very settled the one on the road. So I saw how these guys were living.

You know, radio was big then. And there was three stations, and three radio stations were comedians. So they gave you action A lot of people just started going over there Hanging out and writing pieces of things on paper And after two years they gave them a job If you show up two years and sixth in the morning

For free Lee You imagine that shit Two years six in the morning for free After two years they go All right you're on the payroll now for a small nickel Yeah And we'll give you insurance and a key With a little ring around your neck

So you look important You're fucking momo Yeah And now you got to do spots Until 1 o'clock in the morning And then get your ass up at 5 a.m. coming in the snow, fighting the snow in Denver in the winter.

But I said, okay, and I had my daughter, I have an older daughter. I just don't, we don't talk. I tried to reach out again two weeks ago. Again, nothing. So the young one of me, having a great time. So when I lived in Denver, I was like, I'll be a dad. You could still hit Wyoming.

You could still hit. That was a thousand places these guys went to. There was a guy. God bless him I know he's still alive because he was a sweetheart of a man His name was Bill Bowler Not the comedian

I could call Bill Bowler up and go Bill I don't have him to May's rent And you'll come on up and get it I can give you some gigs tomorrow And he had gigs all over the fucking place And he'd drive you Pay for gas and feed you And drive you back

And then you'd go in your car And you're in your car And you're in separate ways Huh I had a couple guys like that. But he was, his name was Bill Bauer. He worked on a motorcycle store. And he booked the longest running club in Colorado history.

And it was with the Denver Broncos training camp is Greeley, Colorado. It's called the Down Under. And it's on Thursday nights. The headliner gets a yardstick. The feature gets a half a yard. Some friends from a yard. What's a yardstick? A hundred.

Uh-huh. You know, that's what it was in 19. fucking 91 92 it was like my third gig like they paid me on my third gig and like 20 bucks to go up there and do a guess and then he got me a gig

for the Broncos training facility to do five minutes that was like my fourth gig and he booked me on nose then he goes you know just keep calling me and I'll give you little stuff then he moved me up to 10 minutes to like $35 and then he started featuring me

and next to you know I was co-headlined And then I moved to... Where the fuck I moved to Seattle? Yeah. Yeah, you got those... See, you guys had Bill Dardy. We had Dick Dardy. And it was a guy named Billy Downs, who...

He was... They called him No Money Downs because he never paid anybody. He had these kids. He used to pay... I called him Potter because he was like, it's a wonderful life. You remember at the end? he's like paying people that 40 cents on the dollar.

He would owe comics so much money. He booked gigs all over New England. And he had a nice big house. He drove a Mercedes, adopted a couple Asian kids. You know, he went full on. And then he would just tell you he didn't have the money. And it was just so weird because it was like, but I just went to the show and there was 200 people in a Chinese restaurant

in New Hampshire or Rhode Island. Where'd the money go? I don't have it, I don't have it, pal. I don't have a pal. And so it would just build up where he owed every comic in Boston money. How much money would he owe people? Oh, thousands of dollars. Oh, my God.

I mean, I was an opener, so he owed me, I think he owed me $1,200, but I fucking needed it. And so then I go up to New Hampshire to do a gig, and he's there. He would be at the gig sometimes when he could make it, just to check on the numbers and take the cash to the door. So I go up, and I'm about to go on stage, and I go, Billy, I said, I don't want to go long. I didn't bring my watch. Can I borrow your watch? he gives me his watch fucking gold watch

I do my set I duck out the other side of the stage I go out the side door I jump at my car I drive two hours back to Boston I get a call the next morning hey pal Bill downs pal

you accidentally forgot to give me my watch back last night I go I go that was no accident Bill I go the accident was you not paying me to $1,200 I said let's make a deal and so he goes

okay I can give you I can give you 800 I go nope no I already appraised the watch I go, the watch is worth about three grand. So I'll take the whole 1,200 in cash, in a bag, made me a Dunkin' Donuts on Brookline Avenue at about an hour and a half. And he showed up, and he had a smile on his face.

He respected me. He gave me the bag. He goes, he got me, pal. You got me. And he fucking walked away with his watch. And every other comic heard about that shit. One guy said he was going to steal one of the Chinese kids. You know, it was an uproar.

It was the Wild West after that. No money downs. I got burnt a couple times for 50s or 25. The biggest burn I had, which wasn't even a burn, I didn't have. I was on everything. My rent was 400. My child support at the time was 365.

Between the cocaine and the fucking cheeseburgers. I couldn't make the bills, man. I just couldn't make the bills. Yeah. I made them some months, some months I broke even. So I worked at National Rent-a-Conner. He was a car washer. A buddy of mine got me a job.

But he was like a fitness trainer. God bless this. So he would give me like $100,200 to deliver flies from the different parking lots. Up front. Who does that in this day and age? So I got a car from National, which they gave me like a one-day rate. And I had the car for the weekend. My friend said, if I drove down to Phoenix, I could showcase.

from knuckleheads and get work at all four clubs I was like that's perfect that's how I start my career they need emcees drove 16 hours slept in the car all gas was out of my pocket get there the guy puts me up showcase walks me to the office

gives me three weeks of work or something San Jose Minneapolis and Phoenix that's where they were let me sleep in this condo that night and take a shower there and spend the night in the couch, which is fucking Christian of them. At least I didn't have to sleep

in my car. And then I drove to 16 hours. I was on my way. You know how it is, Greg? You're on your fucking way. Well, I got to call a month later. The clubs, the whole chain went out of business. So it really wasn't a burn. Yeah.

I had fun, man, those years. Especially that one year and a half in Boulder, if I think of my progression. I went to New York for nine months and that beat me into shape. That beat me into open mic shape. Now, what I

was doing in Denver was nothing compared to the savagalism that goes on in the open mics in New York City. That's just pure brutality. So after I went and saw hell, I ran back to Denver, the king of the open mics.

Because I had seen the other side. I had to bring four people so I had a lot of people in town I'll get your Coke, just bring me the money to this comedy club and then I'd make them pay at the door. That's the only way can get on stage. I had a bull tricks.

But it was just, I had a great time being an open mic. I love sleeping on couches. If I could do it again, I'd fucking do it again. Yeah, I went down, me and my buddy, Tom Cotter, you know Tom Cotter, right? Yeah. So me and Tom getting a car together in Boston, we're like

fuck it, we got to break in. And we had that We had that magazine, were you talking about? Oh, yeah? You know, that listed all the clubs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just for last. Just for Last magazine. And we, and back then, you know, you had to, we would list a club booker with an address on it.

And back then you would make a videotape, and it was on a fucking, you know, a half-inch VHS tape. It cost money. And so we said we're going to drive down the East Coast and we're going to get road work. We're going to become road comics. So we got a map out. We stuck a pit, put it up on his wall.

We put pins in it all going down the East Coast. We're going to go from here down. I think we went to North Carolina. And we stopped in every club down, and we did guest spots. And we showcased. And first, but to get a showcase, just to get five minutes for free, you had to first send a tape to that booker. And then you had to try to get them.

And this is back with no fucking, you know, no call waiting. You call and you wait. And you try to get some. Booker on the phone from Charlotte, North Carolina. They tell you, oh, you have to call them on Monday. Yeah, right. Then you figure it.

Right. So you have to call them with like a hidden phone. Yeah. So the odds that they received your tape actually sat down and watched it and are around to take your fucking phone call and then have a time that you can drop in along your route down the coast. It was like we ended up with maybe three or four spots. down the whole eastern seaboard. But we got them. And we got in the car.

And we just drove. And we stopped in different places. And it was fucking, it was like the greatest trip of my life. Do you remember some of the clothes? Making no money. I know it was the comedy zone in, in North, I think it was North Carolina. No, no. We stayed on the coast.

The comedy zone in Charlotte, Charlotte. Yeah, I think it was Charlotte, North Carolina. And we were in Virginia. Richmond, Virginia was definitely Washington, D.C. was a stop. And it was like, we felt like stars. We felt like, look at us. We're in a car driving to a gig.

We're making no money. We're getting five minutes. Potato chips. And it was the biggest fucking thrill. We had friends lined up, fold out couches the whole way. Friends. I remember I got my dick sucked in D.C. By a girl from Boston University that I knew who put us up.

I tried to throw a move on her roommate, who was sleeping on the other side of us. She, she, she, she, she sucked my dick, and then I hit on her roommate who was sleeping in the bed with it. And then she got pissed off me and threw me out in the morning. Like, I couldn't have been just happy getting my picks up and a free room. And, uh, and I remember I got two weeks, I got two weeks out of work out of it. I got a week in Jacksonville, Florida, and a week in the Bahamas. And they were paying me $400 for the week.

Creative. Yeah. Right, right, right. You got out of, uh, they, when they were running, Charlotte. Yeah. And, uh, and that was it. I was off and running. You know, that was my first, and a lot of the guys from Boston never worked the road.

Because it was so much work in New England, you just stay there. And you work, like I said, Maine one night, New Hampshire, Rhode Island. And they pay you cash. You make a hundred bucks a night. Maybe you spend 20 on gas because you're driving a fucking northern New Hampshire. Never a hotel room. And then, uh, and then, uh, I just decided, I want to, want to hit the road. I want to go work around the rest of the country and see if I can make it work.

And it was a pay cut. It was way less money to work the road. But I knew that that was the play down the road was to become a headliner by, you know, going on the road. Man, I knew I got to L.A. and I knew I had holes in my game. And I said, you know what? I'm not going to sit here and try to work on in L.A. And I just went to the dingy of cities for a year. six shows you know a weekend staying in a condo 450 condos

reeking of sperm like most Chinese massage collars fucking dirty curtains dirty tub two sporks there's no silver just two sporks but you sit here but then again you go to Michigan

and they put you in a court whatever where they have free breakfast in the morning courtyard married courtyard married I remember you know like one day I got to Michigan and day day early with no dough, a box of change. A box of change and a six and a six ounce veggie and cheese from subway.

I land in fucking Detroit. I get to the gig and they're like, what are you talking about? You're here day early. I'm like, okay, thank you. And they're like, tomorrow at three, you can check into the courtyard, Marrier. So I went over to the courtyard, Marriott. Like a book to the ham. I just slept outside the courtyard, Mary.

Was it the winter? No, it was like Memorial Day weekend 1995 Yeah And I fucking This is a crazy as weekend Like I drove

To Michigan From Boulder, Colorado In a car That was a soldier Like if I could find this car Today I would buy Out of respect What I put that car

It was a Dotson B-210 Oh yeah Four-door white with blue interior. The air conditioning, I could keep meeting it. I never got another car that was that cold ever. I remember the summertime having to turn the fucking air conditioning down. The air conditioning was old school Japanese.

Like they invented this in Sukhi Maki where they got hit with a bomb and they can't feel fucking. It was fucking crazy. This air lasted. No, no, that car was a different car. But this air lasted. This car was, it lasted me two years. years of, let's just say,

Boulder to Detroit and Baltimore. That's the two cities that gave me work in the beginning. And I get that little fucking car, fill it up, the back had a little section just for it. The metal thing for the radiator, duct tape for this, a spare tire, the blow tire, just in case you got to perform in it. I had everything in there. I was like a little Puerto Rican mechanic.

I could fix it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But I went to Detroit. I went there night early. They tell me bad news. And then I go to the... I go, where do we check in tomorrow?

I go to court yard, man. We were about three blocks away and make a left. And I went over there. There was no security guard. There was no security guard. I go into the property. And there was like a tree. And I went into the tree.

It was about 5.30. The wind was blown. The sun was... I'll never forget this. And I'm sitting on the car. Oh, well? I put the seat back alone, and I had music on, and the car was three-quarters full, but I had a box of change.

I must have had 30 bucks, and there had change. I had, like, four joints. This is how bad life was. I had like a half a sandwich, and I go, this is it, this is tonight. I had a blankie, a pillow, and all of a sudden my page goes off, and I fucking look at it, and it's the club. And I fucking go to a pay phone, I call me, and they go, where are you? And I go, oh, I was taking a hotel room.

They go, don't, don't, don't. We're going to put you in one. You have a suit? And I go, yes. I go put on a suit. You got a suit? I had everything in that car. No shit.

I had a suit in the back hanging. Really? Okay, what I did was, yeah, man, I took a fucking tube, and I put in the back. And I hung clothes. Oh, yeah. I've seen that road warrior trick. But I left a section open for my head. Yeah.

Just in case I had to sleep there. I can breathe that night. You follow me? I can have the air there. Every once in a while you can't sleep like a zobo every night. You can just sleep like this for fucking two nights in one of those front seats and you lose it. And I would sleep in that league.

Two, three nights in a row I would sleep in my car leave under a tree and a parking, one of those things with truckers. Oh, yeah. So I put my suit on. I checked into the hotel, took a shower. They had towels. I'd never stay at a hotel. They had towels.

Like all those other one-nighters. I didn't know they had hotels. They had paper towels. And I fucking went to the club. They gave me spaghetti and whatever you want. Order from the menu. It's on us. And then they said, wait.

Tony Bennett comes here. When he does the theater, after the theater, he comes here for dinner. Every year. It's his tradition. He's going to come and play the piano. Do seven minutes in front of me. keep it clean.

I didn't know nothing clean. I had nothing. I'm back there writing jokes la carte and shit. Jokes about spaghetti. Unbelievable. So you do it? Did you do the seven minutes?

Yeah. How'd it go? What do you think? As Spanish people say, no bueno. It's the last time Tony Bennett came to that club. No, that's why I play.

I'm over here playing this song for eight years. He'll never come on the podcast. After the bombing, I didn't. front of him. He gave me a hug. He gave me like a five. You got to leave now. You got to leave. Please. You're embarrassing me. I'll pick up the tab. Don't worry about nothing.

He's pointing at me, pointing at the weight. I got his tab. Let him scoochimadi. You know what I'm saying? I don't want that energy in the club. Yeah, I don't need that fucking darkness in here. Guns and Godzilla. I saw a car in the parking lot. I'm pretty sure it's his. It's got a box to change and a fucking suit hanging in the back.

That car that was just, I had everything in there. A pillow, a blanket. Basketball? Basketball. Shorts, goggles. You know, if anything to pack the books, you know, flashlights, batteries, anything. If it was the end of the world, I had a few days. Do you porn in there?

No, no porn. No magazines, nothing. canned food. I had sternos. You never know. A little chachita. I would buy ten of those things when I hit the jackpot, like a 20.

I'd buy those Vienna sausages and just put them in the back. Let me tell you something. Four in the morning, when you get up in the car and you're hungry and you got some saltine crackers, some Vienna sauce in the trunk. Are you fucking kidding me? Wait a minute. You had sausages

sitting in the back of your car? Uncooked pork sausage? In the winter. I'd hide them back there. I'd keep them nice and cool. Jesus. So I go on the road, I can save Dore Me. You know how those feature acts are, though?

You don't make no money. Yeah. I went primitive style. You know, I sit back now, we're goofing around and everything. And I go, did it really make me a better comic in a lot of ways? Yes, it did. And learned me how to call audibles. And did it really help?

Yes, because it made me build character. And you can't take that time away from nobody, no matter what it was. I knew I did it the right way. For years, I did over 300 cents a year. I used to count them, write the material I did, how I did, if I bombed, how much I made. I was a fucking lunatic like that. I still have those notebooks. I still have them.

I have notebooks with the pockets, the pocket divider notebooks stuffed with every set list of every fucking show I did. Every night I'd make a new set list. Even it was one joke different than the night before. I'd have bullet points and I'd save them and I'd put the date on them and I have cassette tapes boxes of cassette tapes I fucking saved every five minute set that I bombed for years I had all that shit and the spreadsheets with how much money I made

how many miles I drove what I could write off because at the end of the year I wasn't going to pay any taxes I called my accountant said you send me every dime you spend on comedy and I would send him like envelopes stuffed with receipts spreadsheets that I handmade spreadsheets I do that too Doug I went off the radar

from 1991 till like 2003 nobody knew who I was nothing I had a pageer no bank account no nothing if you had to send the fucking state trooper to find me though

just paid in cash yeah well I decided to do calmly I was at the end of my fucking win Like I was at the end I just went through a fucking divorce And this was it This was it This was it

There was no I got an uncle's got a restaurant In Boston There was nothing This was it I had done it all I had burned every bridge And this seemed like the logical

I don't like working days And it's nights And you drive And you travel And you're sleeping hotels I like all those I loved all those things So I signed up

For those triple runs I would do six weeks in a row those trip-orans. And I come back to the comedy store a fucking gorilla. Yeah. You do six weeks of, you know, because half the weeks are Mormon

and you don't know it until you get there. When you get the schedule, it says, be careful with language, it's a Mormon room. Oh, now you fucking tell me. On a Tuesday night, you tell me. So it really teaches you how to be a comic. Yeah.

And I would always book comedy clubs in between. I guess that. You know what I'm saying? So if a night ended in that story of Oregon, I'd call Harvey's and try to do a guest set. And end the weekday on a Sunday night, do five minutes just to see rate how I was doing. So I love it. I wish I could go on a triple run now for three weeks and tape it with two dudes at this age and see how crazy it was back then.

These road houses, right? Yeah, but it's not, he has like Thursday, Friday, Friday, Saturday, we have to drive all the way to Idaho. Or fly to Idaho, get a rental car. That's the way to do it. You drive, you fly to the biggest location, and where you end up, you look at where the airport is, and you fly home from there.

Because if not, you'll go crazy. Yeah. There's no reason for us to drive two days to get up there. We might as well pay the fucking plane ticket, and you got a fucking rental car three miles away from the airport. You save a bunch of money. money right there.

Yeah, that was a thing in New England. It was never a hotel. There was never No, there's no hotel. That's what people understand. So, some nights you have three drinks and you, you got to sleep in your fucking car. Or you try to hook up with a waitress. There's always a friendly waitress, and you get the word from the other comics. Look for Angie. Angie's got to

pull out, cash. She's got a three-year-old, but he goes to sleep around 9.30. You're good. You're going to have to get up early and get out, but that's a place to sleep. I slept at so many people's homes, like that description that you'd be standing there like a mook and they go, are you driving back to play? But like I was thinking about, you know, me and my boyfriend

live a mile from here, I love for you to sleep on the couch. And you're like, does this chick want to fuck me? She's talking about a boyfriend. I walk in with me. And next thing you know, you go over there, he's cool as fuck. He sparks you up. She changes, she lets a titty's hanging in front of you. You get to look at some titties And you think a threesome's going to happen

But then they go to bed But they leave your weed They feed you They do this all the time Yeah, that motherfucker never gives Feet Your X a fucking hotel Yeah, we got a spare room back there Make yourself comfortable

Yeah And you're like, oh my God They're going to come in here Fuck me in the morning And you wake up in the morning You smell bacon You know And they cook for you

And you're like, what the fuck Do I do deserve this? And they're like, we have to go to work But you can spend the day Yeah, there's a remote control on there, use our shower, do laundry, be our guest. And you're like, I just met you.

Yeah. Last night, I can be a mass murderer, and you're leaving me in your home. And you fucking... Something happens to you. Like, you're like, wow. That happened to me all the time. People I had no idea.

I haven't been doing a gig in Baltimore for Roger Paul one time. And I paid a little extra, which I thought was odd. And when I got to the people were like, no, there's no hotel. There's no hotel for 48 miles from here. Did you know this one? When you came here, I go, you're kind of right.

They go, no, there's an ordinance here. There's like a chemical, something. You got to drive 48 hours, 40 fucking 8. I had no idea. You know what that's like at midnight when the show is over? Yeah. For somebody to drop. There was no Uber.

Why would you still do the show if they can't have hotels there? It's fuck. because Roger Paul told me there'd be a hotel there that they were going to take care of me. But when he told me the number of me... Chemical plant. That's a little high for Roger Paul. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I knew there was a by the way. When I get there, I had to meet another comic. Like in Baltimore, we had to drive like an hour. It was one of those fucking gigs. It was Baltimore on paper until you got there. Then they threw it by the way. You know, no, no, no.

It's an hour to ball. It's whatever to Baltimore, then it's an hour away. from Baltimore. I think they killed 18 people in that town or something like that. And that's what you get all the details on the way. You got to get there in a one lane and shit. You see cars abandoned.

Fucking candles everywhere. You're like, what the fuck happened here? Flowers are the trees? Yeah, no, no, no. Stuffed animals. You have no idea people at home. You know, you have no idea. I know you think you have an idea,

but I don't know, my first road gig having to share a room with a man. Listen. the last time I shed a room and a man was in prison that was the moralizing thing that could ever happen to you as a human being

that he's not your brother or your best friend I get it but just to shoot I wanted a trip or one time we get to the whole town they're like man we just had a fire

we're like what guys said we just had a fire we only got one room available for you you guys got a share room I just met you yeah I just met you you know how disheartened

that was. I was leaving Boulder to pursue my dream and I get to the hotel and my hotel lit on fire the week before. So I got to share a room with this fucking schmuck. That's how my life openly. So a lot of people

after that would just go, fuck that. I'm not sharing the room. I shared the room. We had Chinese food together. We told stories and it said we went to bed. We turned out to lie. I slept with my clothes on the knife and my head. Just in case I had to stab the cuck sucking the neck. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I did a gig in Green Bay, Wisconsin one time. The Green Bay Funny Bone. Fuck. That had to be 15 years ago or more. Oh, it was 20 years ago. Yeah, that thing was been closed. It was booked by the same guy that booked the funny bone in Indiana. Yeah.

Sounds about right. Yeah. Funny Bone, Indiana. The town is called. Mitchell Walker It surrounds Notre Dame One of those colleges Yeah

Nobody knows about it That funny bone But that won at Green Bay man It was It was the worst Fucking gig Because it was like a warehouse I almost

I almost feel like it had a tin roof And there was no windows And they all chain smoke You know there's people in Green Bay They all wear Green Bay Packers The women wear fucking Green Bay Packer jerseys and jackets It was terrible.

It was terrible. They were all overweight, and they're drinking, you know, when they bring out the buckets a beer instead of just a beer. That's right. And then everyone's chain smoking, and they're fucking terrible. And then you leave, and they bring me back, and I'm staying in the, and I'm the feature act. So I'm making $400.

I don't know how the fuck I got. I drove out there. I did a tour. I did Chicago, and then I did that. And I get to the condo, and there's the, the MC, the feature act and the headliner are all staying at the condo and I get in there and I'm the feature

so the headliner he's got a bedroom with its own TV and it's got a bathroom no no TV he's got his own bathroom and then the feature act that's me I got a I got a room with a shared bathroom in the hallway that I'm sharing

with the MC the MC is sleeping in the living room on a fold-out ottoman not even a fold-out couch. You know the thing you put your fucking feet on the ottoman? You take the top off of that and you unfold it and a single bed pops out. Sounds comfy. That motherfucker had to sleep on a fold-out ottoman. Not only that, the headliner was smoking cigars and he wouldn't go to bed until fucking three in the morning and he had his feet up on this poor bastard's bed. He's got his feet

up on the ottoman. And it was like a six-night gig. It was like Tuesday to Sunday. It was the middle the winter, it was blasting cold, and there was nothing you could walk to. Oh. I did that gig one time, and I got to tell you something, I got good Coke, so the gig didn't bother me. Really? Somebody in the kitchen had fucking, like, I got the Green Bay,

and I think I was there two minutes, and somebody asked me, we heard. We heard. Yeah, like that, like, we heard. I was like, what are you talking about? They got something for you in the back. Go in the back, bring $40. And I remember bringing $40 in the first night.

It was like Tuesday. When I stayed there, when I stayed there, it was a two-man condo. And it wasn't bad. Really? The guy who booked me there was from the Michelle Walker. Is it still open? No, it's closed.

Yeah. The Mitchell Walker Funnybone. They were the same guy. I heard recently he died. He wasn't a bad guy. The room was dead. They could never make it work. I remember having a conversation in Indiana, him going,

somebody big was there that weekend. When I was in Indiana, doing a guest spot, and he goes, we got 60 people for the late show. It's just not a comedy town. They love football. They can't get it out of their fucking mind. He goes, it just does not work. And there's still, to this day, no comedy in Green Bay.

They gave up. They gave up. They tried again for a while. Green Bay. Miami Beach, South Beach, New Orleans. New Orleans never had, every time they try to room, it wouldn't. Because nobody gives the fuck. They're drinking.

They're going to get hammering them for Bill Cosby's cousin to show up and put a bill in their fucking Pinia Colada that they drive through. They think it's cool and walk around with pickpockets and people with Chlamydia. Give us to those people, they're filthy. Dog, that's the first place. That's a, I don't even. I've only been scared in two places in my whole life. San Francisco and New Orleans. Not when they shot the fucking De Niro movie.

The time I went to do a one-nighter. I picked up a one-nighter when time I was staying in Houston and some booker called. And he goes, listen, man, this hotel needs three comics, 25 minutes, 400 bucks apiece. In a hotel. In a hotel. I was like, you know what?

Four bills? It was like a Wednesday, I don't know. What's the drive? Six hours? I do it standing on my head. I ran to the car and shot down in New Orleans. Being the fucking headline. I think I was headlining.

I was outlining. And next thing you know, they fucking... I get there. I do the gig. And the gig was horrific. I never bombed so hard in my life at that point. It was like I can't believe I bombed so hard. I got cocaine within three minutes.

I just stood there and somebody came up to me Yeah, absolutely Isn't Gina I felt that it was a fucking bolder I didn't talk to nobody You understand me? I don't talk to nobody Dog with a bone

There was no pictures those days There was no hugs There was no CDs You didn't even see me leave And if you ask Hold on I'll be right back I'll go get something I'll get something out of the car

I'm hitching Directly from the stage to your room Peele Yeah I'd lock myself in that put that couch against the door so security can't get it. That's where that Vegas shooter fucked up, you know what I'm saying?

He should have put that couch against the door and shrouded that fucking thing. Holy shit. Oh my God. Fuck yeah. I would go up there and I almost rotted the death one night. I was whacking off. I was sweating the debt. Green Bay had good coke

when I was like that. But the club closed. That's crazy. I'll tell you where else I lost my mind. At Cleveland at the improv. I went there twice before, and it was calm. And then the third time I went there, after the longest shot, I didn't sleep for two days. I didn't sleep fucking Saturday and Sunday.

I remember getting on that plane Monday morning, and jacked it to the gizzles. Oh, my God. That's terrible, isn't it? Yeah. Lisa, how you doing, my friend? I'm pretty good. Let me give some shout-outs of shit.

I'll talk to Greg about a few things, and we'll get the fuck out of it. It's a beautiful podcast. were loose. Nice. What's up, Greggy, boy. Good to see him. Good, hang, I needed this.

It was beautiful. Johnny Cruz, Mind the Breeze, Paul Cunningham, Billy Barron, J.T., Burr's Lurker, Mike Vendamerey, whatever, Verderami. I'm sorry. Mike, yeah, Regan Babies, Dove Repter, and Overdrax. That's a bad motherfucker right there, you know what I'm saying? Where are you at this weekend, Tarzan? Let's see. Next weekend I'm going to be at the...

Where am I going? Dr. Grins, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Oh, shit, with the Christians. Yeah. Send them my love with you. That's a good truck. That is the home of the Christian riot right there. Good club. Good fucking menu.

Yeah. Yeah, that'll be fun. Then where are you going? Then I'm going to be in Spokane. Is Spokane or Spokane, Washington? Whatever you want to call it. I'm going to be there November 2nd. To the 4th.

And then I'm going to be coming out to after that. to Atlanta, the punchline November 18 through 20, and then after that, Nashville, and after that, Tempe. So go to Fitzdog.com for tickets. Where are you for New Year's? Home with the family, baby. You don't do New Year's. Sometimes I do, but it's got to be a place I want to be.

I got a couple offers that were places that I just, I pictured a lot of sadness. You know, it's got to be a place where I know some people, or I feel like there's going to be a thing to do. Yeah. offense. What I'm thinking about doing, to be honest, as I'm in

Portland, that Wednesday and Thursday before New Year's, right after Christmas. What day of the week is... New Year's a Saturday. Oh, that's three years in a row. It's been on a Saturday. Double-check it. Let's double-check it. Do you have a calendar in your phone? Everybody got a fucking

count. I did Portland for New Year's one year. What did you think? It's fucking great. No, Portland is always great. It's great. Portland has become this fucking little... It's a Sunday. New Year's Eve is a Sunday. Ooh. Yeah.

Ooh. So that means you would do Wednesday, Thursday and I'd have to stick around? Fuck, no. Oh, I'm doing excuse me. I'm doing

Wednesday, Thursday. I come back Friday morning the 29th. I come back. I spend the night at the house in L.A. I relax with the baby. And Saturday morning

me and the wife are getting the car. We either going to go to Ventura or this way down the other way, the Huntington Beach or one of those places. Got a hotel room with the family for three days. Nice. Why not? We worked like savages.

Three days, one hour from my house. You're saying our New Year's Day, do that. A day before New Year's Eve. And New Year's Day, you head home about 2 o'clock. We did that. We drove to Utah about two years ago. What are you going to do? We drove to Utah State in a fucking small town. They had a little, little ski hill, bunny hill, nothing.

But the kids were learning how to ski. We went there, and we just spent three days relaxed, away from all the chaos. Watching high school musical at night. Going to bed watching high school musical every night. They played one, two, and three nights in a row. We were there every night watching it. It was fucking great. So you had a good time.

But this year I'm home. This year we're going to do, you know, go down to Venice Beach. I don't know if the fireworks, throw a move on the old lady. You got to do that. Drink a little vino. Yeah, not me. Maybe I'll take some of those mushrooms. Yeah.

You'll give the wife a little stabbing, little scotchage. I do with some mushrooms in you. Right. Maybe throw a Xanax to offset the mushrooms to calm your dick down so your heart don't beat too much. Right. Who the fucking think you're dealing with? Joey Banana. People don't need Viagra.

Then now their heart starts to slow down a little bit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I took the Viagra one time. I almost passed out. All the blood left my head. Years ago, I was talking to this freaky chick, like in Milwaukee. And she was telling me, listen, I don't mind you eat my pussy.

But hold on, let me take two Xanaxes. Because if I eat two Xenxes, I'll fucking blow this room up with my fucking pussy juices. I said, you know what? You take two Xenisers. I'll roll a joy, and I'll get back to you. Is that a direct quote? Yeah. Oh, my God.

She's crazy. This little white, dirty girl with a lot of hairy little monkey from the 70s. you know, one of those monkey from the 70s that's got a lot of hair. It's growing on the sides of the legs. You got to look at it twice. Like, what do I do? You know what I'm saying?

But you got three lines in you. You don't give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? You're hoping it's not a dick hidden in there somewhere. But you're going to take a chance anyway. There ain't no cameras. There ain't no fucking, you know, cell phones. Just two people are going to leave this room.

I took a peep, but there was a little bat in there somewhere. So I gave a little star. Let me roll a joint. I'll meet you back. Yeah, in two minutes. Go away about it. Take your Xanax. I'm going to come over.

Oh, yeah, I'll blow a... I'll blow a load right in your face. You know what I'm saying? When they can... Some of those things. Yeah. And then I heard that. Once again, somebody said that they buy Xanax

or their wife seats and so when their pussy comes. I was like, well, maybe the same will happen for me. I can relax. So once in a while I got to pop a little son of duch, maybe a star of death. Maybe a mushroom. Do like a little bluish. she cocktail and go give

Mama that little mushroom hard dick you know what I'm saying? Give her a load of that mushroom sperm in her mouth she'll wake up feeling all dizzy and shit like, I only have one bottle of champagne but I feel him over. It's that fucking bat sperm I shot in your mouth.

You're gonna go take some mouth of salsa your fucking filthy animal. She's got to peel her tongue off the roof of her mouth the next morning. Oh yeah? No, no, you got to shoot it heavy. I don't give a fuck right down there. They don't even know. I don't move. I trick them. I always trick them like

I'm doing something else. I'm not even interesting. What else could you be doing? And the next thing you know, they got fucking half of my nutsack, you know what I'm saying? Going down their throat. They're looking at me all weird. Why didn't you tell me? Yeah, sure. Whatever. I sent you a telegram

two weeks ago. You didn't get it. What the fuck? Oh my God. Yeah. Then you tell them something dirtier, and then they'd balance something. You know what? I really wanted to come on your face, but I couldn't get to it in time. What am I going to do?

They came up. And they're just looking at you as they're spitting. They're wiping their tongue with toilet paper. Those are the best that they go home. The rest of the night, they talk to you. They got like a Twitch. You fuck their world up by shooting a fucking one of those three-day loads. You haven't wet your nut.

You've done steroids. You've smoked. Dash. This seems to all be specific, Joey. I don't know. You got hit in a few times. Your sperm is deadly. You understand.

You take a couple shots to the head. You see what comes out of your dick. You ask those football players. If you can bring them back the light list, let me ask you something. You have some weird goo coming out of your dick. As a weird... Yeah, one time I came.

my wife's mouth. She almost drew me out for three weeks. Yeah, you never want her saying, you didn't, you got to jerk off more. My wife said that to me one night, you got to jerk off more. Too much came out. Oh, yeah. No, I saved that shit. I plot against my wife. I plot against it. I set her up some times, you know what I'm saying? I'd make a watch a movie with me. I don't really want to watch. I trick it right in the beginning. Give me a little dick suck it real quick before the movie starts.

I jerked off in Cleveland. It's the name of my new book. And I'm sitting at the desk, and I start, I look up, I don't know what I was thinking, but I googled eating ass. Lesbians eating ass. And I start watching it. And, you know, the middle of the day, I get the curtains open. There's a fucking office building across the street. I don't give a shit.

I got my pants around my ankles. I'm sitting at the desk. Got my naked ass on that plastic chair. And I'm spanking it to. to girls eating each other's assholes and so and so I think

and I stop halfway through and I waddle over to the bathroom and I get a hand towel and I bring it back to the desk and I throw it on the ground in front of my feet and then I'm jerking off and all sudden

it comes like a banshee I haven't jerked off in days I come like a banshee and I feel fucking good and so I go to pick up the towel and I look down and I came all over my sweat I thought I had some trajectory going.

It drooled straight down. The only sweatpants I had to wear for the whole fucking trip. The ones I fly home went on Sunday. So I ran inside. I got another hot towel. I'm wiping the spooge off my sweatpants. I got a hairdry. That shit won't come out.

It leaves a little stain. I thought it was out. And then I put my pants. Go wear a long shirt. I saw the white steam. I thought I was a monster. I thought that spur must have gone six inches easy. straight out.

When I whack off at home, I do it in my office and I just cover my robe. No, you don't. Yes, I do. And on Thursday, I leave town I throw the robe

in the fucking amp. I walk around with like three shots unloaded, my little robe. What is it about being a dad that makes you get a robe and be disgusting in it? Because it's right there.

It's right there, the robe. You can fuck your robe. You understand? I can do a thousand things to your robe. So you wipe it on different parts of the robe each day? No, and Maluki at one.

with the robe all together. It's a different combination. These animals get a cup and jerk off into a cup. I jerk off into a robe. Who jerks off in the cup? You do it. You filthy animal.

Your wife gave you one. I used a robe for effect. You know what I'm saying? Oh, you jerk off into the robe. That's what now. When I'm in a hotel room on the road. Not that rope. Us is family.

Us is family? I just jerk off on the floor and leave it. When that maid comes in, three days later, the hardwood floor It got like 19 stains in it I walk over it and everything It's like a forensic fucking

When I'm in the whole time I'm a disgusting pig I jerk off in the tub And I'll fucking put the cat down I'll let it grow for two days I'll put the no disturb sign By the time the maid goes in there I got sea monkeys in the fucking tub

I'm in there feeding them toenails and shit Are you standing up in like Kitchen? Like let's say I'm at the computer right let's say I'm at the computer and I got my notebook here my whole center's right here I got four plugs here I got a light I got the menu from the Chinese

restaurant I got rolling papers in this desk hidden under a sweater I got everything right here I got a vapor pen work and I got my nicotine gum and I'm watching TV right there and all of a sudden something the thought comes to me I close right there in the office that little section like the door's right

over there and the bed's right behind you and there's a mirror right here and there's a fucking window here but the is blowing to your back so you fucking get frustrated because you gotta put a hood sweatshirt shirt on in your own fucking office you know what I'm saying it's not even your office it's your hotel room but it's your own fucking office right there I'll take that fucking cube and I grow up and I just sit there with my legs open it's always like a wooden thing there's like a garbage can there first off after 44

which injectory leaves a bunch of come come juice comes out it's tremendous you catch a young girl off card you might choke on a debt it's like a gallon of a half comes out. They don't even know what to stop. They just keep looking at you. Like, when this is this going to end? And you're like, oh, when you get hit 44 and you don't get laid every fucking day, that nudge you swells up every time you go to the gym and shit. She's got to come up for air like a swimmer.

Yeah, yeah, you shoot. Like, my trajectory is gone. Those days where I can hit the wall, write your name, those days are done. But if I'm in a hotel room and I'm in a comedy club hotel room, even if I pay for it sometimes, I'm sitting there, sometimes I sit, my hotel room naked.

I take a little towel and put it on the seat. And I just sit in my hotel room naked watching Law & Order until 3 in the morning. I just sit there relaxing like a doctor. And I won't born and then. I go, what the fuck I'm naked? Let me bang one out. And I just bang one out right there. Wherever it falls, it stays.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I just walk around it. I come in like Saturday afternoon. The lights hitting it. If the lights hitting it, you can see the little circles on the floor that have sunk in, you know what I'm saying? Carpeting? Yeah.

No, no. Sometimes, if it's carpeting, I'm in no danger. That could have got there anyway. I don't care what the DNA does, you know what I'm saying? People are walking on there. Give me a guy who got an OJ out. I'm bringing sandals every time I go out of the hotel. I'm an animal.

Oh, yeah. I'm an animal. You got to assume when you go to a hotel, the guy that stayed there in front of you is an animal. First thing I do is wipe down the head fucking board. You think maids wipe down the headboard? No. Next to you know, you got your malook with his malook. And you're scratching like a fucking banchi.

Yeah. And then you go on the airport, too, the plane. Before I sit there, I wipe that headrest. God knows who was Johnny Orestafarian sitting there. He hasn't washed his hair in two years because he loves Bob Marley. Listen, I don't give a fuck, okay? You got to wash that fucking mop on your fucking head. Put some water on it.

Cologne, put a bag over it when you fly. You're scaring people. Fucking creature feature. No, and what I do is I get to the hotel room and I turn that thermostat up about two more degrees and I take all the covers off that bed because those covers are not getting washed. No, no.

That's the first thing you do you. I just, sheet only. I hide those things. Really? And if they give you two beds, I ripped a blanket off the other one and I put the head down the fucking penguin. Yeah.

And it's never cold enough. Yeah. It's never cold enough. I got to bring a fan on the fucking road from now one too. So when you jerk off on the road, do you watch porn every time or do you freestyle? No, I just work off a memory.

You do? No, no shit. I take it back to the eighth grade, faking back in this chick that's on Facebook, I saw her day, I used to suck in tetties in the eighth grade. I take it back to that fantasy and shit. You know what's weird about that? Is that you're jerking off to a 15-year-old girl.

Not really. Yeah. Your memory of her was from back when she was 15, 16 years old. Listen, you weren't there. She was 15 going on 22. Okay. When you were in the room and you saw that, no, she was a very daughter. I think you're grandfathered in because you were underage too.

I looked her up on Facebook and she looked really good. Yeah. And I was looking at one of the pictures and I'm like, Jesus Christ, she grew up to be a piece of ass. And I knew it. I knew her and her sister with just pieces of ass. What creeped me out about this broad in the eighth grade was, her mother died. I went to my house and they like, what are we going to do?

She said, whatever you want to do, okay. what times your sister got home? About 5.30, what times your father got home? About six? The time's your mother got home. I was dead. The daughter, the dick died. I got a quick anxiety spell.

I told her I had to leave. I called her a week later and broke up with it. You couldn't handle the darkness. It was, I couldn't. What could a child do for your mother to die? And fucking two years later, my mother died. I kept thinking about that girl. from time that I forgot her name for years

but if you know anything about me she was an Irish bro. Right. So her name was Maureen. See, I forget the fucking thing then. I forget the last name that and sometimes it comes to me and I got to write it down.

I got to write it down and I think of her like when I found her on Facebook I'm like Jesus Christ she still got big titties. She had phenomenal titty. for an Irish chick. She had that strawberry hair.

So she had freckles on her titty. She used to drive me crazy. I'd suck her tities right behind the church, St. Michael's over there. I figure in the winter, pussy'd be cold. You know what I'm saying? That's why she grew that muff so big. She was going back with Uncle Joey. She really was beautiful.

You're thinking about all that shit. I was telling Lee one night. You ever stop at a light and you look. there's two 18-year-olds and books on them they're holding hands she's bagging she's 18 going on 22 he's 18 going on 19

he's a dumb fuck but they're going home because the mother's not coming home till 5 and they're basically going to go home put Jay Z on and fuck like savages and you think about how that's never ever going to happen to you again but that's never going to happen

to you get that young love when you walk home with a girl and you know you're going to sling dick, but it's got to take you 25 minutes. You've got to make out with her and suck a neck and then rub a pussy. And she'll put her hand away from you. Then you go for the tit. You're fucking playing Spider-Man.

And she finally gives you that titty and then you rip her shirt off and that's it. You're finger-banging it through the fucking jeans. Finally the pants come off. You lick it. She starts crying. She can't do it. She's capital. Why would you do this to me? My brother's going to kill you.

And then you're her finger in her like a savage and she gives him to the cock of death. And you flip over the cassette tape, put on side two. No, it's fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah, it's exactly what you do. Hold on when they flip this tape over. Just to bring girls to your house

and to make out with them and just dry them. It was such a pleasure at that age. People, I never understood. I'll never get over sucking tits for the first time. How old were you? eighth grade so what's that 13 was 13 years old but but this girl claire she had big ass titties Jewish girl with red hair

big tits fun girl great laugh and uh she let me suck her titties outside up at rockefeller the Rockefeller's had an estate up in a park up where I grew up in tarry town right across from tapancy bridge and we'd go up there on the weekends

and we'd drink an eight pack of micalob sit in the woods and then try to suck tits. And Claire, Claire let me suck her tits. How old they? It's 13. Yeah, that's it. She just, she just, she'd just,

new ones. And your dick would get hard. You'd come in your pants. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Your face would get all red and shit. After you'd suck the second tit for 20 minutes, you'd suck it and go into like a sucky titty trance,

you know what I'm saying? You'd suck it. And you know she wasn't going to give you a pussy. Right. You could rub it, tug it, try to finger her. You go. She had that belt. on tight.

You had to have your fingers broken to fucking stick your fingers in that fucking snatch. Oh my God, I miss that. I'm thinking about something like now. And I remember thinking like now if you touch tits, you enjoy it, but you're also aware that you're doing it for her pleasure as well. You're trying to do it in a nice way that will turn her on. Back then, it was only because you were sucking on a tit. Like you'd never thought about how it fell for her.

You were just like, I get to put a nipple in my mouth and you'd suck her. got it like a baby hard like a baby you thought milk was actually going to come yeah you would you would go back to being whatever the fuck age you are it's it really is like the people you think about even later on as i got old like the casual sex people you think about now and you go whatever happened to them yeah like what are they thinking right now like you know they probably got three kids now what do they think about do they think back about that yeah or is all that their mind forgotten like most people you know I remember all that shit.

Sometimes I sit here with Lee, I go, Lee, let's go. And I'll sit here with Lee and tell them road stories that are so vile and so disgusting, that that alone is a lesson. Doing commie on the road, I think doing anything on the road really teaches you a different side of life. It teaches you humanity, but it also teaches you what people are capable of doing. And you're away from home. Like you're an outsider. You're like Rambo in the first movie.

Yeah. How are you feeling? You're happy to be home? Yeah, I'm happy to see my goddamn kids. You know, we just bought a new car. So tomorrow, so my son just had his birthday, 17th birthday, so we gave him the car. He gave him my wife's car. So he's loving life.

17, he's got a girlfriend. He's got his own fucking Toyota Highlander. Not the sexiest car, but it's got some space. Got that third row for his buddies. He's going to be tooling. He's going to be tooling. around the west side of LA and his one one girl that's it he's got his girlfriend now he's got someone to take her for a few weeks tickets hotel geese we got a spot oh he's loving life he's

because a girl will put you when you're young a girl when you when you find the spot i may think about it you start thinking you start going to the uncle let me talk to you about something over that time i found you listen uh i'm not going to sell them money let me borrow your car for one night I can't do it. Come on, come on, come on. What do you need my car? Because I need it. Come on, why?

I need, bro. Why you put me through this? One night, I'll do whatever the fuck you want. I'll never write, yeah? And they'll torment you for, no, no, no, no. Then you tell them, listen, this girl, you want to fuck in my car? Not fuck. I want to suck a tits.

Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. Don't suck your tits at your house. You're stupid fucking. You're like, I'm doing it. It was hysterical. You even tried to borrow a call for three hours. Everybody called me.

I want to impress. I want to take it around. Oh, yeah. The first time I fooled around and it wasn't outside or in something with wheels on it. I mean, Jesus. Especially, you live in Jersey. You must have been fucking around a lot of cars. No, outside.

Yeah. Outside. The night my mother died, I sucked these tits that were one of the biggest tits that you ever saw in your life. She was like, I was a sophomore. She was a senior. And I was on a hit of acid. And I was just sucking with her tits. It's like it was the, she had big aorta's.

That was the first time I saw that. Ariola. She had those big 70s. Aorta's. You know those big 70s? Yeah, right. She had 1970 tits of Playboy, the big aorta with the fucking small nipple.

What's it called? Ariola. Ariola is the circle, right? Yeah. Okay, the circle, not the nipple. I'm learning something. You know what I'm saying? There's kids who listen to this guy.

The night you're right one. The night your mother died, you were on acid sucking a girl's tits? Earlier, two hours, three, three, four hours. Oh, before you knew. Oh, yeah, before I knew. Oh, that's right. That's right. I remember that.

I remember that. Cops came. I took off. A girl that knew the neighborhood said, follow me. I thought more people. And then, so we walked for a little while, the cops disappeared. And then we cut. I'll never forget that street.

It's still that. It's still the same way. We cut through that, and we got to a house. And she goes, we could hide in the back. And I knew a couple people who have been with her already. They didn't bang her, but stuff happened. I didn't know what happened. So I went up there very innocently.

I was tripping on acid. And next thing you know, we kept sitting closer to each other. The next thing I was swapping spitting. I got to sit out in this fucking mosquito net. You know, those mosquito homespeople had in Jersey. You go out there and sit and the mosquitoes won't bother you. For people who don't know. I don't know.

It's like a little mini tent. You put in your backyard. Are you serious? Yes. You can put the chairs down. Like a little gazebo? It's like a gazebo. So I'm back there with the pool furniture.

Horamander. Everything's back there put away. We got a tiptoe back there. Just no two days earlier. And I'm back there sucking those tits like a fucking, like one of those Ethiopian kids. When they save them, they show up with a tit machine. A tit machine. You'll see when they show up with a tip machine?

No, that's not a machine. seen that. It's tremendous. They show a picture of a woman who don't eat the milk and you suck it. You mean a bottle? It's a machine. You put your lips on there and look at the ladies' picture and you're fucking,

you think I like, Jesus, what the fuck you do? You haven't had a meal for days. Somebody gives you that breast milk. What would you say? Nothing. You're sucking that tit to the wrinkles come out. That's right. Working a hand underneath. What the fuck you think you're dealing with?

You know what I'm saying? These people don't know Dick about Dick I got a couple dates I'll be in Tampa Thursday night We ain't fucking around Listen if you live in the Tampa Sarasota

Clearwater area We're not fucking around this weekend Over there alright Bring your guns Bring it all We're taking damp Improv.com Go to Tampa

Click on Uncle Joey That's gonna fucking save your weekend I'm ready to go I'm taking a four hour flight I'm ready to spit in somebody's fucking face You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'm ready to go.

In the following week, I got Lexington, Kentucky on Broadway. Nice. That's a good club. That's a good fucking club. Last time some guys said, fuck you fat motherfucker. We're Christians,

and he walked out. Only in Lexington, Kentucky. He'll be back. What's your plans? You want to write another show? You're going to write your own shit. I want to get excited about, you know,

doing another one hour special. I got the hour together. and I'm putting it on tape over the next couple weeks and then we're going to go out and see where we can sell it. But I feel like it's been two and a half years of working on this act. I'm ready to fucking put it up and put it behind me.

Because it's solid. It's all transition. It's all chunks. It's ready. And I'm not going to be doing it in six months. You know, and then make a t-shirt. That's it. You sell T-shirts, right?

No. I sell them online. No, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, I saw t-shirts online. Yeah, I can't sell them out of the show. No, I mean online. I got to make a t-shirt. Can I make a t-shirt? You have a fucking grapefits, you know what I'm saying?

Grapefruit Simmons. Yeah, the fucking Irishman. A.K.A. before the movie comes out, stake your claim. Smack these hoes. Say you're marking and force it. Say you write all that on one t-shirt? Yeah, say you're marketing a forciet. That's Scarface.

You're gonna get permission from Paramount. Next to you're gonna be. Harvey Weinstein's coming to your house to collect with a fucking jar of gasoline and a young boy from the Thailand of a missing eye, you know what I'm saying? Can you imagine Harvey Weinstein walks over to your house, knocks on your door?

A little Asian boy with a missing eye. And I talk to you like, what's going on here? Listen, I got this big project coming up. You'd be the executive producer. I want to fuck this little kid in the ass. I need for you to take some pictures. Greg, this job pays 600 Gs up front

and residuals. Just take three, four pictures. Nobody will know nothing. Three or four pictures. I have my office sending over the contract on Monday. Why does he only have one eye? I don't know. He lost a lot of travel, you know.

Things happen. You're falling in your head and boat. Because the story wasn't sad enough already? I don't fucking know. He had to take his eye out. That's the next thing that's going to come out by Harvey Weinstein. That's what they're going to go when they raid. He's already starting to burn this shit.

Yeah. If he fucking is that much of a pervert, he's got pictures. Oh, yeah. He's got cameras lined up. That dude's been taking pictures. He's got a picture that Goetkao's pussy. I know he does. That little skinny bony fucking thing.

Hell yeah. Now they all want to speak up against him and shit. The other one, Angelia Jolie said he accused her and the other one. The fuck out of him. Went to Palo. Yeah, Gwantapatro. What are you going to do? for years you hit it back now you're gonna tell us

and then the other one won the Academy Award went up there thanked them yeah so you got no credibility fuck oh yeah I know it is a little late let you up there and say Harvey Warrenstein's been suck a little Asian dicks yeah over at Grinkford Simmons's house the kid don't even know where he's got a night

you don't know where he's going all he sees his fucking lights you know what's up you're confused no I'm fine all right just checking with you what do you want tonight Lee huh you take any much I took a little bit of everything.

Feeling good? Yeah, I feel fine. The mushrooms feeling? I don't know. I feel a little bit weird. Do you see anything? No, not really. Are they bad? Did you taste anything? The text is not great, but no, there was no weird taste.

Who tastes care you like Uncle Joey? Tell the people on the microphone right now. Who tastes care of you like me? No one. No one does this, but you. You told me you don't want, you want mushrooms, you don't want it to taste like shit. I went out of my way to get them to drive. direct to you from the fucking farm.

I appreciate it. That's the type of motherfucker I am. You know what I'm saying? Your wish is my command. Farm to table. That's it. All the way to fucking Pittsburgh. You know what I'm saying?

I flew them in. There you have it. Direct from the farm. You want the rest of them great? Take them home. Not me. What do you give a fuck? Take them home, have a party with your wife.

Dosa. Who gives this shit? Put in the middle of lasagna and do you a zeeve. Bring Harvey Weinstein over? Yeah, bring Harvey Weinstein over. Lizania. I'll put on the Harvey Weinstein mask. Nobody knows nothing.

Give it like a trick, Cosby. Nobody knows nothing. Right now is it time to attack women with a Harvey Weinstein mask. Yeah. You're going to do it. Tonight I'd be out there stalking bitches with a suit on. Is that Halloween costume? You think people are going to wear that for Halloween?

Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Please. But tonight I would go out with a Harvey Feinstein face and wear a suit and a Santa Monica and stab a motherfucker. I want my career back and just that. I'm going to leave and take the mask off. All points both.

I'm looking for Harvey Feinstein, whatever his fucking name is. Let him go to jail for a few weeks and shit. We saw you. No, you didn't. I was at counseling. I was at counseling. I'm a dinosaur.

I got to catch up with these modern ways. That's what he said. I grew up in the 60s and 70s. You know how we talk in the 60s and 70s. Listen, I grew up in the 60s and 70s. I say some fucked up shit. A couple of years ago. Some girl, I shook her hand, she worked with a club,

and I shook her hand, I had met her before. And I go, you still work here? I remember you. She goes, I remember you too. You grabbed my pussy one day. And I go, what are you talking about? I go, you got me confused because I don't even come here. I come here twice a year, flappers.

And trust me, I just wouldn't reach out and grab your pussy. If I was doing coke, you're taking your chances if you're in the room with me, you know what I'm saying? When I had an eight ball in me, you come in here with a miniskirt, that's a long 10-second walk in and out. I go to bars and just salivate over those waitresses. Like I was going to, like fucking Henry, no, what's the other guy? He had the Volkswagen, he was killing bitches everywhere.

Seattle to Florida. Right. Chart, not Dahmer. That cocaine makes you, you know, evil. Yeah. So when you're in a bar and a girl gives you a look, what's a regular look to you is a look to me. that means I'm going to suck your dick.

Like we really believe the strip club thing when you're on Coke. She said to a meet her at Denny's at 2 o'clock. We'll wait for her. She loves me, dog. She's going to leave her husband. And your friend's like, oh. Yeah.

You know what, bro? I'm going to leave you right here. You meet your fucking girlfriend. It's a sick fucking thing when you get that delusion. Yeah. Lee, what are we doing this weekend? This weekend. No plans, no dog show.

No Blue Apron contest. None that I'm aware of yet. No, I don't think I have any plans. No plans. No, I have therapy on Friday, that's it. Good for you. You were talking to talk about therapy today. You just went back, good for you.

We had a discussion about that a while back. I'm talking to you. What are you looking at the table for? Big day, man. Big day. First day back in therapy in years. Walked in, got my therapist. She's this really old.

She's an old lady, and she's Native American. and she just gets me. You know, she's great. I want to get married with her? I did. I used to go for, I went for a few years. And then I stopped for, I think she said it's been six years since I've seen her. And then she told me that I should be taking, what's that stuff?

The pot that doesn't have any CBD. She told me to start taking CBDs every day. She goes, but don't tell anybody. I told you that. I said, all right. I went home. I took some CBDs. I had a bunch that Pete Holmes gave me a whole, he sponsors it.

I think the same stuff that Rogan does. It's good shit. Good shit. Yeah. It takes care of you. Sometimes I forget and I take an aspirin or something. Something hurts. I go, wait a second.

I got that CBD in the fucking cabinet. Yeah. And the pain, you forget about it, but the next morning, it's how you feel. Yeah. That's what I like about the CBD for you. That's, I don't know. anything about it. People always hit me up, but I don't know really much about it. I know how it works for a fat fuck who tries to work out. I don't know how it works for other things, other ailments.

I feel a little high from it, which you're not supposed to. They say that there's no properties that should make you high, but, and I said that to her, and she goes, well, it's probably because the stress you're normally feeling is gone when you take the CBDs, and so you actually feel high relative to how you normally feel. I said, all right, I'll take that. That's a good explanation. Yeah. That'll work for me, man.

Yeah. So I got about four giant bottles of that lined up. I'll be doing that every day for a while. And, you know, visualizing. She said, we're going to do a lot of visualizing. The way, you know, sports psychologists, they tell you to see yourself getting up to the plate, watching the ball, swinging at the ball, hitting the ball, whatever. She says the same thing with life.

You can picture how situations are going to play out, and you run it through your head enough times and it starts to happen that way because you allow it to happen that way. It's a good train of thought. It really is. No, no, that's always, you always see yourself like that. When you're going to die, you look at a picture of yourself

where you used to be, and you know what? I'm going to get that thing soon. And she said it's just repetition. The more you think it, the more you create new pathways in your brain, and it happens. You're interesting dude, Greg Fitzsimmons. That's why I love you to death. Thanks, man.

Love you too. When I called you a few months ago, you told me you were out of town, I was happy for you. That's a great show for you. Yeah. You know the life. You know Pete Holmes, you know. Right. Easy to write.

He's a stand-up comic on the way up, Jesus Christ. Right. We all have some input on that. It's over. That's lights out. That's a great show, you know. Yeah. I'm proud of you.

Thanks, man. You're a fucking sad. You're a fucking sad. What are you thinking about Lee? He's looking good, ain't he? He does. He drops some serious. He came down those stairs.

I said, Jesus. Not only looks lighter, but he looks brighter. No, no, he's a different fucking man. He's taking vitamins. He's doing the whole thing. He's doing the kettlebells. You're doing the kettlebells? I did for a while.

I did like six months last year. I did it three days a week. Listen, I'm going to. I got to fuck my story. I'm trying. But nobody does. He came a year ago, so I'm doing a little bit. I'm doing better than when I was last year.

Yeah. You sure? Yes. I'm bullshit. You're taking long walks? No, but I went to the general. did an hour on the elliptical oh that's amazing an hour jesus christ

you know man today my back right i went to the chiropractor yesterday i'm sitting there right and let the coffee shop and i got on like what the fuck am i going to do put ice on my back go fuck that i put my running sneakers on and i fucking put my ipot on

and i went for the walk of debt i went around that park three times you know what i wasn't huffing and puffing when i got on my shirt was drenched yeah it feels nice to go for a walk and so I'm in pain to as soon as I went home I used that spray

I was in fucking pain everything hurts knees shin bones the lower back so I went home I took a shower and I was right there in the bathroom I hit six one to my tongue

I feel a little better than I yeah and my hi who the fuck knows who cares just added to the body count at this point you follow me listen like I told you in the beginning of the show and I'm not fooled around with you. Lips believes that being a right sharing

driver should be fun. If you're having a good time, so are your passengers. And that's what everybody says about Lyft. Everybody says lift drivers are the best drivers out there. Now, Lyft knows that their drivers are keeping them moving.

So they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip. It's a simple formula. Happy drivers means happy passengers. Maybe that's why 9 out of 10, Lyft rides get a perfect five rating. You can earn hundreds of dollars a week plus tips.

You want to earn more money? Drive more. It's never been easier to give yourself a raise. Lyft was the first ride share platform with tipping built right into the app because getting tips shouldn't depend on your passenger having a crumpled bill in his pocket that he did blow out of two years ago. You keep 100% of the tips and they add up fast. drivers have been paid over $200 million since the feature was introduced.

And Express Pay lets you get paid almost instantly instead of waiting for weeks for a check like some mortovan. Lyft has even taken the guesswork out of pickups. The new amp device uses color coding to help passengers find their drivers. Listen, knock it off. Join the right-sharing company that believes in treating its people better. go to lift.com slash joey y why today right now stop it get up do something

you can get a $5 an dollar new driver bonus that's lift.com slash joey lift dot com slash joey go there right now limited time only terms apply we think it'd be a little bit you know what I'm saying some novice that was a good pitch you know I don't fuck around I'm over here talking these people from the art

taking a lift home tonight I'm going to Always, always. Always. Why play games? You understand me? Lee, Syatt, the truth. When you went on your little Blue Apron diet, you look good, you lost weight, you were doing it, you were sticking to it, then Paula got the job, you got busy.

But how good was Blue Apron? It's great, and they're making it even better. They've made it so you don't have to get it all through recipes now. They have a ton more recipes to look at, and the food's always fresh, and even better, they have amazing customer service. My dad was just saying the other day, if you ever have an issue, which you rarely do, you call them out, that you email them or you call them, and they're amazing and nice to deal with. So that's, that means that, yeah, they're amazingly quick, quick. They don't play games, which is what you want.

Old school style. Now, what is Blue Apron all for you? It's affordable for less than $10 per person per meal. Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with proportioned ingredients to make your delicious, home-cooked meals. It's flexible. You customize your recipes each week based on your preference. Blue Apron has several delivery options so you can choose what fits your needs. And there's no weekly commitment. So you only get deliveries when you want them. Each meal comes on a step by step, easy to follow recipe card. And their pre-portion ingredients can be prepared in 40 minutes or less.

Sorry about that. Did you hear me before? It's easy also. Each meal comes with a step by step, easy to follow a recipe card and proportionate ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. The guarantee is beautiful.

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Free. Whether it's seafood, the beef, the chicken, the pork, you're going to love it. Right now, I'm going to check out this week's menu. Get 30% off your first meal with free shipping to boot by going to blue apron.com slash Joey. Listen, you're going to love it getting delivered to your house. You're going to love how good it feels and how good it tastes. And you're going to love how good you are. I created incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron.

So listen, don't wait. What are you waiting for? That's Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Again, $30 off your first meal with free shipping. Blue Apron.com slash Joey. A better way to cook. All right, one more time for my brother there, the Irishman.

One more time for the fucking Christkiller, my main man. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. I'll see you guys in Tampa. Don't forget about it. me, cocksuckers, bring the reefer, and I'll see you next week, and Lexington, Kentucky, and on Broadway, all right? So have a great weekend, stay black, see you Monday, motherfuckers.

Love you. What'd you say? Good it.