The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #527 - Jesus Trejo

Episode Date: October 24, 2017

Jesus Trejo, Comedian seen on Comedy Central and TBS, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Jesus tells Joey and Lee how he has balanced working and growing as a stand up comedian with running his family's landscaping business and taking care of his parents.  This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/23/2017.


Welcome to Podcastville. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Onit. For all your supplement needs, Anit is definitely the way to go. Whether it's Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, New Mood, or my favorite alpha brain, or the hemp horse protein, the chocolate, which they've been out of for a while,

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Bam! And you got 10% coming from Uncle Joey delivered right to the house. I also want to tell you this show sponsored by CMG Links, handmade, Cuban chains. These guys took care of me two weeks ago and I lost their fucking card. And I go, I know that I forgot something

and I went in my suitcase and there were these two beautiful silver fucking gold-linked chains. I put them for them, for Batala. So if you're into that stuff, handmade Cuban chains, CMG links in Northeast Miami. Look them up online. They got

some great shit. Kick this fucking mulee. Monday The 23rd, 22nd. I have no fucking idea and I don't give a fuck. You still got to get up and fucking go bananas. Shit. It's the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers.

Are you kidding me or what? Joey D is here, your uncle, my man, Jesus Trao. What's up, man? Representing the LBC. LBC all day, born and raised, baby. And the Christ Killer coming out the fucking box on a Jewish holiday on Friday. What's happening, gentlemen?

Chilling, man. Thank you for having me. This is exciting. You're a great dude. You're a hard worker. Man, I try, man. You know, here's the deal, bro. I've been doing comedy for 26 years.

Wow. Okay. And I've been here for 20 of those years. and I've experienced scams from every avenue and I never thought that existed I could look you in the face and tell you something I stole things

at the county store but I never robbed nothing from the county store do you understand me I might have found a wallet or found a $1.00 bill or found a cell phone and tagged it in happened across that was a time I was so

broke living here, I would, at night, at two, I would go in the showroom and every night I was guaranteed a phone. And if I was that broke, I would go on the back for Lost and Found phones and just clip three of them. And the next day, go to Cranshaw, and I had a dude who was a bank robber

who'd buy phones from me for like 50 bucks a piece. And that's all I fucking did. And he used to hang out at the store at night with Eddie Griffin. Then they robbed a bank in L.A. and two out of the four of them got busted. He was one of them. And I've never seen him again. Wow.

Fucking tremendous. So you must have a lot of cell phones at the house right now. No, he had a cell phone store. Oh, oh, I see what you're doing. He had a real cell phone store, but he bought hot cell phones on the side. You see what I'm saying? That's great, man. Unbelievable.

Well, there's a way. The hustle is real out here, man. The hustle is real. And it's fucking nuts that, you know, in comedy, you go on Facebook. I remember going on Myspace. and I knew this comic. I knew him from the store when I first started, and he had a misunderstanding with Mitzi.

She didn't like his material, and she said, so she changes the material, she didn't want him back. Well, he went the hard way. He never changed. He believed in that material. He kept going on Myspace.

I didn't see him. I wasn't at the store. I wouldn't see him out. I'd be somewhere else. I didn't see him for about a year and a half. And then when I saw him at like the improv or something, and he went up on stage, and he was doing it.

the same material. Meanwhile, on MySpace, he was writing that he was killing audiences, and he was on tour and all this shit, you know? And you meet these fucking fakes in this town. You meet these people who have done comedy for three or four years, and they come out here and they want to latch onto somebody or they want somebody to fucking, you know, spell it out for them or something like that. And I see that shit, and it breaks my heart, whether it's in comics, fake producers.

You know, like, everybody's talking about fake news? Comedy store fill of fake producers at night, or it used to be. I think they finally got the hint that nobody's buying your fake shit. Right. You know, maybe one of the guys in the belly room on Sunday would buy it or something like that, but they're not buying that shit no more. Right. When the reality show boom came, you'd walk out and there'd be 20 reality show people

talking to you and they were just there stealing material. Oh man. Jesus, they were just at the store stealing material sitting in the back waiting for a comic to say something so they could roam with the ball. Same thing with writers. Same thing with fucking writers. When I first started at the store, three nights

a week, there'd be a creepy guy sitting in the back. He would come out and listen to you. After a while, you go, what do you do? I'm a writer in Darwin, Greg. Sure. Stealing fucking jokes. Right. Then one night you're watching, Darmine Greg, and they say one of your stupid jokes and you're like, Oh, shit.

Did he steal my fucking joke? Yeah, because they would, and now it's different. Now writers follow comics on Twitter. Right. Copy and paste out that bitch. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Because I'm not to forget, Twitter works. I always, when I first got on Twitter, I got on Twitter for the reasons why everybody else got on Twitter as a comic,

to exploit themselves and to see if they could get to the top with Twitter. When I first got on Twitter, I didn't like it. But one day I fucking went to an audition. and I saw Stephen Bauer there from down the corner over here. And he goes, hey, let's take a picture. He took a picture and sent to me, and I retweeted it. The guy that wrote the book saw that picture and I was auditioning. And the next day he called my agent and he goes, tell Joey whatever role he wants.

Because he watched me on the Rogan podcast. And then the, I went for the small role, the asshole that I am. Because I didn't want to seem greedy. There was two mafia roles. I said, let me. I thought if I asked for a little one, Yeah. He'd go, nah, you're above that.

Let's give you the big one. But he didn't say that. So I took the other one. And I didn't give a fuck. It was two or three days work. Because you're a cool dude. That's why you're like, hey, there's enough for everybody to eat. Listen, if you go in there and making demands, they're going to go, what the fuck?

I put my hand out and you want an arm. Right. You know, there's a lot of directors that will call you, Jesus Trail and go, hey, man, Jesus. What are you doing tomorrow at 8 a.m.? Well, I'm going to work out. No, no, no, no. Listen, I got to move down a movie for you. Got to be at eight.

I get you out of eight tomorrow night. I'll pay you $1,000 for the day. These are your friends. When you get the opportunity, you don't get there at eight. You get there at seven because he's your friend. Yeah. You want him to look as good as you fucking can. You want him to always feel confident if he's high.

You call in 10 minutes late. There's traffic in Long Beach. You'll never get a job again. Right. Eight is seven. I don't care if you sit there all day. You're going to eat. Yeah. You're going to eat and smoke dope.

That's real. That's real. Living in Long Beach, I got to wake up so damn early to make auditions or whatever, but it's like, hey, it's just a game. If you sit here and complain, you'll find something to complain about it. It's easy to complain, do the work, and just get up early, you know? It's so weird how many people have come here. Now, I understand people leaving because of family stuff, and they're still comics.

They moved to Indiana, but they're still comics. And he's the top headliner, but he features for guys, top-notch guys when they come to town. I understand that. You get a radio job. and you're a big deal. I get that shit. I get it because one day I'm going to leave here.

Someday I'm going to fucking leave here to a small time. I love it. But at the same time, there's guys that came here with their nose wide open just to see what they're getting or giving and they latch on

and then after a few years they don't get nothing and they just take off and leave. I've seen that a thousand times. So I know when a guy calls me and he tells me, I listen, but I also want to see his movement. Yeah.

I want to see. his movement. Listen, when I first got here from 97 to 2005, I went out every night. I don't know what anybody's talking about. I went out every night. There was no holidays. There was no dates. Hi, Joey, I'm coming up to visit for four days. I want to see you.

Lock out of here. The comedy store. 831, Sunset Boulevard. I'll see you there at 9 o'clock. Yeah, but we want a dinner. Listen, there's no dinners in my fucking life. There's the goddamn comedy. At that time, I would go to the Comedy Store at 9 because my spot was at 1. God forbid there's a fallout. I'm right there. Yes. Yes.

Plus you listen. I still do it. Yeah. Plus you listen to other comics. You know, I hated the young comics that would go up there and go fuck, I got a 115. This sucks. Well, put a sign up and tell people you don't want your spot. I guarantee you'll get a thousand signatures. Yeah. Within one hour for a 115 fucking spot. You have

no idea how fortunate you are. Right. To be in that position. So that's why when somebody offers me something, sometimes you get there and you're like ah sure but then at the end you have to think about what's been done nobody moves here thinking they're going to be a fucking movie star you think like me i thought i'd be an extra this guy just gave you two days on a movie you know like ah fuck right when i first got here i did something oh i did this movie you got nothing which got nothing Self-affirming prophecy in the title.

It got nothing. It got nothing. But one of the guys in that movie was one of the guys that gave Brad Pitt to coffee in seven. He played the cop when Brad Pitt pulls up with the black dude. And he gives Brad Pitt the coffee and he tells him the guy's a fat dude in there or something. When he went to look at the fat dude, girth, whatever that fucking was. What was the guy, the fat dude? I haven't seen it for years now.

I'm sorry. Yeah, I don't know. So that dude. when he went in and then on the way out he says something to him again. Well, that dude got funding for a $450 a day shoot.

Like, sag. This guy came up to me and then he goes, hey, man, I got this movie. I want you to play a producer. It pays $456 a day. It's three days. And I remember telling somebody

they're like, you shouldn't take it. I'm like, are you fucking crazy? Yeah. This would be my third movie. Like somebody just gave me this. It's not like I went into audition and had to negotiate. This was,

given to me, you know? Yeah. And when I got there, they had a couple bigger roles. And one of the guys kept saying, bro, talk to him. That role is perfect for you. Why are they giving it to him?

And I'm like, you see what I'm saying? Nobody's, even then, in 1999, when I was here two years, I knew what greed was, how people were like, go, go ask them for the bigger role. You know what I'm saying?

Like, everybody who becomes an extra, becomes an extra for three vouchers to become sag. Right. Those vouchers, you got a better chance of bumping into a white chick on the street

and fucking her in the ass three times on the first meeting than getting a voucher league. It's a cash 22. Oh, they hold on to those vouchers like a fucking pussy with a vault around it. And for people listening, you need those to get your sag car. You need those to get your sag car,

but that's a highway to nowhere. That's a highway to nowhere. They just mistreat you. They treat you like cattle. They put you in your old area. If we're eating hamburgers, you're getting a cheese sandwich like you did time. That's a call for nowhere.

And the big promise is if you get four or three vouchers, you become sag. That works in small cities. Not in this jungle. If you go to Chicago, you'll be sag in a year and a half. Because there's not a big market for it. Chicago PD, the other one, the other one, the other one.

You're going to be on every fucking shoot. Yeah, it's tough, man. It's like, you see, like in this town, I feel like everyone has a sense of urgency and it's different. The motivation is different. I mean, you can see motherfuckers who just have a weird motivation. Like, it has to happen now.

everybody who comes here has to happen now. We all owe money. We all owe child support. We all have debt. We all have everything. I learned the hard way. I came here and made a little money in the beginning. Not much, but I survived.

And then I got a big time commercial, and that really paid. But three quarters of it went up my nose, and I smoked half of it, so it didn't really count. I paid a couple of my bills off, but I didn't give none of that money up. That was the first time I had money in 15 fucking years.

Wow. Yeah, that was the first time. First time I had money and at commercial, yeah, I'm 89 now. Isn't it nice when you get those checks in the mail? You're like, oh, man, you start falling in love with that mailbox. You're like, Jesus Christ. I hope you got a little something for me. Listen, I was a Sutton Barth and Marnari at the time.

They were my first representation for commercials. They signed me in January of 97. In May of 97, I think I booked something and then I got scrapped. So I was on the board with them right away. Once you get on the board with an agency like that, At the time, they were huge. In fact, my agent from there is still in business at BBA. Wow.

Michael Dell was an assistant to Neil and this chick. She got out of the business. I would go to my agency, smoke a cigarette with her pick up a check and leave. They were on LaSanaga. They're still in the mall? SBV? Yeah. Yeah, they're over there on the Worcshaw right in front of the museum.

Oh, shit. Okay, they moved. They were huge. They used to have a Christmas party every year. Yeah, I went through it last year for the first time. All they still have it. Yeah. They cut it out for a few years.

Oh, wow. They cut it out. Things were rough and they cut it out. But they used to have a when, when, I think it was Vannari. I think he died, but Vennari lived on Gardner up the corner from us. Oh, okay. So I'd see him at the 7-Eleven. I became friends on.

I remember being so broke and calling them up and then going, listen, man, I got three more payments on a commercial. I can't make it until next week? Can I get a gram from you? He goes, why don't I go for $15? I said, you got it. And I went down, they gave me $1,500 advance. Yeah, he was always really good to me. But, like, I got on the board with them 4th of July week,

and I shot the first Taco Bell commercial with the dog. That's great. It was like a million dollars. It was like, I didn't get a million dollars, but it was like, I was a $15 a night comic. Yeah. Getting $60 a week, $75 a week, $100 if I hosted on Sunday night. So I was getting $400 a month.

from the comedy store. Willie Barr sent in the boys. They throw me an extra two. You picked up an extra four gigs about a hundred bucks. And that was it. And the laugh factory, 25 bucks is set,

and the improv 15 bucks is set. And that was it, brother. I would pick up a couple of Rogan shows. And then, you know, you evolve. You started 400 a month by... When I first started, the first year, I was making 200 a month

because I booked an MC gig that was $50 a week. Wow. So right from the book, right from the jump, I had money doing $200 a month. It's not money, but it covered. It's a lot in a comedy. A gram of Coke and five cocktails, you know what I'm saying? Five pictures of same grade.

What made you get into comedy? I just had a love for it, man. How old were you when you first were exposed to it? Oh, when I was exposed to it. So I didn't have a command of the English language until I was in fifth grade. Where did you move from? I was born and raised in Long Beach, but I grew up with my dad. My dad's a landscape.

My mom was a nanny. So they spoke Spanish. Spanish only. They're from Mexico, yeah, I mean? And so I didn't have full command of the language still fifth grade, but until then I was inspired by like Chesprito, you know, cantinflas, yeah. Yeah, India Maria, you know, all these. I grew up on cantinflat.

Cantifla was great, and my mom used to whoop my ass for sagging my pants. It's like, why are you sagging your pants? It's like, I want to be like cantingflas. So it's like, my mom thought I wanted to be like a rap. It's like, no, I want to be like on themeflos because he would sag. He was a street sweeper, Lee. He was a street sweeper that swept by like with the broom, poor Mexican dude. And he wore these like sagging pants of vest.

Yeah. It was great. Now, I like, I can't even understand what they're saying. But, uh, Paul is mom has Telemundo on all day every day. Yeah. Casso Serato. I've seen. I like, I can understand that show a little bit.

But like, uh, Mexican comedy has a very different. from like America even like the the like the sitcoms have like bright colors they like it looks very 90s does that like influence you at all since you totally I mean that's what I got influence to first and then as as time went along I saw like George Lopez and Paul Rodriguez I'm like oh this is awesome then time went by and it's like you know I saw Louis Anderson life with Louie you know the cartoon and then Howell had life with Louie so I started diving into what stand-ups were and then with time I just started picking up CDs and man, so by the time I get out of high school,

I want to do it. I don't know how to do it, you know? And then I went up on my first open mic when I was in college, when I was 20 years old, I bombed my ass off, man. I bombed so hard, dropped the mic. What did you expect? Yeah, no. Yeah, nobody could judge that shit.

But I bombed so hard that I didn't get up on stage for a full year. So at 21, I get back on stage. I bomb harder than the first time, if that's even at all possible. an epic bomb like it was awful and then I'm like you know what I'll probably just stay in college and do that you know and so I did that and then at 23 I graduated college and I said you know what the degrees from my parents this is your dream you know here you go what you got a degree in business administration marketing Jesus Jesus Jesus good for you yeah Cal State Dominguez here

Cal State Dominguez Hills I'm a little high yeah Cal State Dominguez Hills and um Yeah, and as soon as that happened, I started working at the store. What'd your parents stay? Like, you got a job, business administration degree. Meho, what are you doing? They're still upset. Bro. Uncle Joey, when I tell you that my dad still brings up the job I had at Robinson's May,

that I wore a tie to work every day, he's like, where are you parking cars? He's like, you want to be a clown? He's like, you went to college. He's like, you're doing something that my bloodline. I never thought I'd see my bloodline. Never thought. And it's like, and now you're throwing that away to park cars? He's like, are you kidding me?

He's like, why don't you go back to Robinson's mail? I was selling kids clothes, Dad. Like, this, I'm going for a bigger dream, you know what I mean? Which is funny because, you know, my dad got, like, cancer last year. And it was, like, shit hit the fan, you know what I mean? And I took over my dad's business. I was out there, like, mowing lawns. Look at my farmer's standing out there mowing lawns.

And when my dad came back from surgery, he went to Mexico to get that surgery when he came back, I was mowing lawns and my dad came out with me. And it was one of those moments where it's like an all this lost moment. I'm like, man, this is fucked up. Like I'm getting a little traction and stand up, but I got to take a step back. Got to mow lawns. This sucks, you know? Like I went to college, got educated for all of my dreams.

Now I'm mowing lawns. I'm living the American dream backwards, bro. And I told my dad, I'm like, this couldn't have been in your dream. Being a landscaper couldn't have been the dream. What was your dream? And he told me, he said, I never had a chance to dream. I had three jobs my whole life. You got to sleep to have a dream.

That's why I sacrificed so you can sleep in and have a dream. And I just said, zip. Kept pushing along more, man. Real shit. Fucking crazy what you learned from those old times. And why they did it.

Why they did it, man. You know what? That's what I'm saying. Everyone has a different sense of urgency and motivation. I mean, mine is my ill parents. You know? It's like when I have to leave my spot at,

you know, 1.30 in the morning and whatever it is, I leave there go home give my mom insulin wake up early give her insulin go more along or two

write a joke or two get ready to shower up so you're doing real stand-up right now how long have you been doing stand-up? I just hit my 10-year mark okay yes you're doing real stand-up right now

real stand-up is when you're going through something you're working it out with stand-up and people have no idea that when you get in your car you start crying all over again people have no idea. There was a time when the toughest time in the world for me was dropping off that poor

little girl in Boulder at 7 o'clock on Wednesdays. So I figured out that the only way I could do it because I would drop her off, cry in the car for 10 minutes, and then drive home, and I can't tell you what would go through my mind. Yeah. And then after by 10 o'clock, whether I had the money or not, I'd go get cocaine and two bottles of fat tire and I just sit there and wallow in that anger and that whole thing. And then finally, finally I figured out by the grace of God that instead of doing that to myself, I'm going to force myself to do comedy.

And it was the worst room of all time. It was two rooms. They had it on Sundays and Wednesdays and it followed a line dancing class. Beautiful. This was when Billy Ray Sybis was huge. So everybody wanted to do the achy, breaky heart.

It was Sundays and Wednesdays. It was an Andy Payton room. Yeah. And then from there you went to a place called Club 56 where I hit a kid in the head with a microphone With the ones with the batteries in them Oh nice So they're extra heavy It was in Commerce City Colorado or Commerce

Colorado Oh boy But then in there In the middle of commerce Because this is like a steakhouse On the front of commerce But in the middle of deep in there There was another place that did comedy

Then it was just You know When you go to your dad or your mom And you tell them you want to do comedy and then or your friends and they call you a fucking asshole and you're like, I'm telling you, man, I could do this. I met fucking Joe Rogan

the other day and he told me I could do it and all this shit. Fuck you guys and one night you actually go to this gig. Yeah. And while you're sitting there waiting to go up, you actually think of a suicide that would be painful. Like there's suicide that you slit

your wrist and take pills. You're not going to cut no corner there. You're thinking of suicide but you're thinking of light and your self on fire. It's that type of shit. You want to get the full experience? Oh my God. This guy was an Elvis impersonator. From Vegas. And after 20 years

he said, fuck it. He opened up a little truck stand in Denver, Colorado. And he served pizza and Italian food. So he was the cook, the host. And then he'd get up on stage and do a whole Elvis show. And I got to tell you some, he was God awful. Wait. Are you saying he was his own host?

He was everything. Hell yeah. So when you came into the restaurant, You go, I'm Elvis. He'd sit you down. Take your order. He'd go in the back. He'd go in the back. He needed up for you. He was a one-man operation.

Dirty hands. You know, fucking fat, old. The black wig would slip. You'd see the white hair. But he had a heart of gold. The guy had a heart of gold. But as bad as Elvis impersonator as he was, he put 50 bucks out of his pocket every Wednesday and Friday

for two comedians. And I was always the one guy he called. That's great. And 25 bucks, but while you waited to go up, at one point, you ever see coaches when they're losing? They drop their heads in their hands. That's what would happen to you. Your head would go in your hands.

Right. People have no idea what that feeling is. No. When you actually dip your head down and go, I think my friends are right. I am a fucking loser. Yeah, man. This isn't going to work. I'm here in commerce or whatever the fuck.

At 11.15 at night, following fucking. fat ovus. And there's eight people that just ate horrible food that are burping. Nobody even got dessert. Everybody's asking for Alka-Seltzic because they got some digestion from the tomato paste. And now you

go up, but here's the beauty. In your deepest, deepest, darkest moment while you're sitting there thinking this bad thought, your name gets called. Yeah. And you shake the guy's hand in front of you and you squeeze it hard from the

anger. Like, you break his fingers, you're like, and then you go on stage, and for the first 10 seconds, you don't want to be there, but now you're there, and you just go off,

and they laugh, and you get off that stage, and if somebody came and off and you heroin in a hundred bucks, you wouldn't take it, because it would take away the feeling you're going through right now. Wow, yeah.

That's what people don't get, especially at the early stages. When you're just about to give in to your fucking friends or your parents or your girlfriend. When you're just about to give in, something like that happens, and you're like, I'm good for 30 more days.

Fuck these motherfuckers. Yeah, I'm up to something. Was there one set that you guys remember that went that well? For you, Jesus? Man, you know what? Yeah. Yeah.

I remember I was out a landscape with my dad, and it was just bad. Like, we had to take out this tree, so we changed all the tree, We have to take it out, and I'm out there taking the roots out, hands and knees dirty. You're dirty. Ring around the neck, the whole thing, you know. And the lady comes out, and she's eating the ice cream, and she's kind of, you know, telling me,

hey, you know, can you also take this stuff out? And then she's eating the ice cream. She gets a lollipop, a stick, puts it in the wrapper, and just throws it at me, right? He's like, can you put it with the other trash? And I was like, mother fuck, man. So I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no worries. So we do the job. And I'm running late.

I go home I shower I go to the store I do my set feel good about it I'm finally like I'm home this is what I work hard

for all fucking day and then I'm about to bring on the next comic and they give me a piece of paper and I'm like oh shit I'm like ladies and gentlemen

next comic needs no introduction Bill Bear and people go nuts and in my head I'm like no one would fucking believe me

what I went through today the range of fucking emotions that I had fucking got treated like a fucking second class citizen, got to do stand-up follow my dream, got some laughs, and got to bring on. Bilber.

In one fucking night, and now I'm driving home, smile here to ear. It's one minute to another. The emotions with stand-up comedy. Yeah, man. And it's like every time, and I got to tell you something about stand-up comedy, it makes you believe in religion. It does. It really makes you believe in religion.

I was telling that to Ian Edwards, I'm like, when you do stand-up and the opportunities that come about, the people you meet. Just the coronary is like you're insane not to believe in something. Whatever it is, in something. You have to believe in something. To believe that one person creates all this stuff, like you're creating your own opportunities, no way. It's crazy.

It's crazy once you see it happening. And then it becomes like, by 1999 I was addicted. Like by 1999, I could tell you people, honestly, that all I wanted to do is snort coke and do comedy. I got a look at you in the eye and tell you that was what I lived for after my set there was nothing I wanted to do more than cocaine but throughout the day my dick would get hard thinking about my 1245 spot following Paul Mooney when he would do 45 which meant I went up at 1 30 you know and I'd have to hold off

like I would not do coke until 1 30 I would be in my pocket burning a fucking hole at the store I wouldn't even have a drink I'd be sitting by the stairs going through emotions and changes and my bones would hurt but then I would go up to it was so weird how I got hooked on stand up comedy you know I'm outlining

this book and I was thinking about that chapter you know getting here and then dealing I moved here with a bad girlfriend you know like it was just a bad situation and even though I was making strides of comedy this chick was bringing me down at the fucking house where you cannot be

brought down you know what I'm saying you're a comic your house has to be clean. Yeah. Everything could be dirty on the outside, but your house has to be clean in the inside. You could go out and go to a Mexican bar and get your dick suck with George Perez and DuBlo, Twosite, the morning.

But when you go home, there's got to be no drama. Nobody could say to you, where were you? Your house has to be clean. This chick made my house dirty. And then when we broke up, I was living on the streets. I was living in Ralphie Mae's Floor or in my car, or blah, blah, blah, pip. You know, so it was just...

But you asked... But you asked a good question before. You ready for this, guys? What's that? All right. So I start comedy in July of 91. Part time. Cocaine, Valiums.

I win a contest. I get okay, Jesus. I got about seven minutes. And then I moved to New York. And while I was in New York, I worked a little bit. Nothing serious. Nothing to be proud of. But I figured out what needed to be done.

Sometimes, like your dad, job and he gave you the books you get an idea you did it with him as a young kid but one day you figure out how you're gonna do it what needs to be done for you to do this business work five days a week make a living pay your employees yeah and the same thing happens with comedy one day it hits you like a punch in the fucking face yeah and now the next decision is if you want to take it to that next level right they put it on you you know when it's time when you're an open micer like I was an open Mike are ready to get 15 minutes paid.

Like that's it. I paid these dues. I've done all these bars. I'm going back to Denver. I got back to Denver October of 93. And that was it. I got a notebook. And I wrote every set down and my goal was 20 spots a month. I would do 16, 18, 19. This went on for about seven months. I got up to about 20 minutes. Nice. All right. Jimmy Abeda, dear friend of mine comic in Denver. You know, if you ever in Denver, look at Jimmy Abada, he'll put you on some fucking show.

He's dynamite like that. Hell yeah. In those days, it was Andy Payton, the comedy works, and Jimmy Abater. They had my bread and butter. Whenever the page will go off from Jimmy Ababa, that was a gig somewhere for 50, a burrito. There was always something coming to you from Jimmy Abada. God bless his soul. And I fucking went to one of Jimi Abada.

Jimmy's rooms in Nevada, which was a dump. But 40 people on a Tuesday night. I'm supposed to feature, but the headline didn't show. Something weird happened. Okay. So I get on stage, I thought something weird happened. I get on stage, and I'm up there doing my thing. My 20's done, bro.

You know what I'm saying? You know when your 20's done. Oh, man, when you get into that last joke, you're like an oh. Yeah. You might have even forgot a joke. And I don't see no light. He's going to get me a lie. That's 15.

I could kill 15. 19 tight is 15. Let's do this shit. Do this shit. So I go up there with timing for 15. No, I go up there with timing for 19. And I'm going to speed up the last three lines, which were garbage. I'm not going to sit here and tell you.

There was nothing fucking coming out of dead. And I get to. To the three lines, and there's no Jimmy Abayor. And now I'd do another, whatever. I might have borrowed a few jokes. You know what I? Like, whatever. I don't fucking know.

And then I just improvise. Yeah. Which I was very good at. Because when I started, it was the same customers every week. After six weeks, I figured out I can't write five minutes a week. I just started. Yeah. So I started improvising, and I was pretty good at that.

Is improvising different from crowd? work? Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. And it's garbage. You know, you get away with it for a year or two and you get good at it. Yeah.

But then comics will start complaining about you. Talk, I went up there and people are yelling up at me. You got to knock it off. Because you open the floodgates when you start doing crowd work. People think it's okay to talk and that's like awful for a show. That's fucking taboo. So when I got, before I got down here, somebody pulled me aside in Seattle. It's a dog lighting up on the fucking crowdwork.

Don't even go there no more. It was tough habit to break because I would just go there, no material, go there. I could be funny for hours and no material and goof on you. Yeah. And when I moved down here, that shit ended. Because

as soon as people see that in the industry, you're done. You're done. You're done. Because then it says, hey, he can't write a joke, you can't this, even though you're probably sitting on great jokes. And it works for some people. And I'll tell you what, it works. It works. Here's the difference. You go 50-50.

when it works it works but when it does it it's a nightmare but people pay 25 bucks right yeah

they didn't pay 25 bucks to see you fucking talk that shit it's great for 20 minutes you know yeah after 20 minutes

you're like okay I'm sick of this shit already right because there's really nothing there and I don't mean

to offend anybody who does that shit I know a lot of people will fucking dynamite at it yeah no dynamite at it you know I don't know for me

it's a little bit of anxiety producing as an audience member because you don't want to be picked on next. Right. Yeah, people always worry about that. But, I mean, there's a place, at least for me, I'll say what I, I like to throw in crowdwork when it comes down to, like, the check drop spot. I mean, people aren't paying attention, so I can't give them material with the narrative. So I do a little crowdwork and then close out with, you know, material. Something strong. Yeah.

To wake him up. It's funny. So I go up on the stage and I'm waiting for this light. Yeah. And I'm waiting for this light. And I'm up there. And I got to be honest. He's a trail.

at that time I never really killed. Well, guess what? I'm killing that night. Yes. I'm killing, and I'm going. And I'm going, and I don't see no light, and I'm panicking. Deep down inside, I'm about to piss my pants

and shit my pants at the same time. But I'm actually keeping it together. And somewhere in that night, I see a light. I'm like, okay, good night, thank you. And I get off the stage, Jimmy runs up, he gets her, he brings somebody he gets off and I go Jimmy what happened he goes bro I'm sorry

I went out in the car with some broad it got ugly he goes but the good news is bro you did 43 minutes I heard you killed yeah I go 43 minutes and in those days there was a newspaper called Just for Laughs which I talked about a thousand times on this podcast

the last three pages were all the comedy clubs in the country and I fucking circled all that I'd say I'm calling all of them tomorrow. Then I opened the Judy Cardo Workbook and I went through all the agencies. I listed the ones I was in a call the next day. And I actually

went, because I didn't have a phone. Yeah. I would have to go to the gas station and use a phone card. That's great. And I went to the gas station, got a phone card after three calls. Like, I was calling, like, ICM. Hi, hi, this is Jennifer. Good morning. I see him. Jennifer. Who's your top agent? And they're like,

who's this? Who's this? This is Joey Dears. I did 43 minutes at Casey's comedy no like Casey's Barring Grill last night in Arvada that's who this is 43 minutes of gold

who do you suggest me to that's how bad you get like after you get that boost you go on that's the first boost you get before you get now you walk into a club dick and you're fucking Johnny Rickles

and you go up on stage you get the biggest dick in the fucking world and you go back to round zero and now you're back. Now you understand how ego does not work in comedy. It doesn't man. Yeah, you've got to dissolve ego as quick as possible.

Dissolve it. Once you dissolve your ego and you don't give a fuck if you bomb and you talk about it freely. Yeah. And people could goof on you about it and you actually go, Jesus, thank you. I thought I was the only one that ate a bag of dicks. That's where it becomes real. It becomes

real. Listen, nobody wants to bomb it for something to throw it in your face. No way. But you're comedy gumba to pull your side and go, whoo, that was a rough show. I know, let's get the fuck out of here. I didn't want the money. I didn't want the $25 bucks. Let's get out of here. They might hear this with a glass. No, no, come on. Let me get the money.

Those bombs suck where you're like, I don't even want the money. Keep it, bro. I'm out of here. No, no, take the money, dog. You did good. It was the audience. Don't worry about. The dude didn't have the speakers plugged up. Hilarious. And you're driving back in your car from this fucking bar gig and your ego.

And that's when it all weighs on you. that maybe your friends are right, your family. And actually, two days before that, you went in the paper and look, and there's a paint store that needs help that you can get that job and shit. And one of those bombs makes you think about that paint store.

And you actually wake up the next day, drive to the paint store, and on the drive to the paint store, your paging goes off. Hey, man, where are you? Over here, why? We need you up in Cheyenne, Wyoming, until I, by 8 o'clock.

You'll leave him one hour before traffic. Halfway there, bro. $150. Can you make it $150? I'll take a helicopter. You know what I'm like, and then you go like this to the paint store, fuck you, and you pull away. That's what happens. You catch those type of religious breaks.

I was telling somebody to tell you, let me tell you something. For four years as a comic, you live this certain life. There's a four-year span that I live with Lee and Lee's my brother, so Lee goes, listen, I'm taking the big bedroom. I pay $1,000. Give me $400 a month, get some groceries from time to time, and help me with the utilities and clean the place.

I'm in Lee. Lee's my buddy. I can bust Lee's balls all I want. But on the first, I want to give him his $400. Yeah. As a comic, 25th. You don't have four dimes to rub together.

You're like, you actually have to go to fucking Lee, who wouldn't care, but I love him. and he let me this bedroom and I got to give him this four yards

that's all that matters to me is Lee's four yards I don't even have to get groceries this week Lee will cover me but let me give him those four yards I'll tell him Lee get groceries

and I'll give you 50 bucks next week after this gig Lee I can't tell you how many times I've gotten a call under 26 at 930 at night to pay me a $400

gig for three shows at some bar and I've sat there and I've actually cried like as you're Hang up the phone, you actually cry. Yeah. Because you go, you know what?

Mick Jagger said it best. You don't always get what you want, but you get what you need. Yeah, as long as I keep putting this energy out there. Now, something starts to happen when Jesus calls me and go, Joey, what's up, dog? Joey, you know I'm your dog. I need a big favor. Headline Long Beach Freeman. I can't pay you.

I give you five drink tickets. You go down there, you do two of those. Jesus, let me do it. Boom, boom, boom. Joey, I got you next time. I'm just short. the fucking dude wants to pay me 50 bucks I give you $10. Jesus,

I know what's going on in your life, keep it. Sometimes you do two or three of those. For people who really sincere, don't call me Jesus Trejo and go, Joey, come on down here, I can't pay you, and I get there there, there's 20 at the door, and I see you smiling with a gold chain on. Don't do

that to you. Don't embarrass me, because then I'll be angry with you. But if you say to me, Lord, Joey, I open up a spot in Long Beach, dog. It's a taco spot. They'll feed you. They got your picture on the wall already. They're fans, bro. Huck me up with this. It's 7.30 or whatever. I'll give you money for you.

You know what, bro? I know where you're coming from. But don't call on me, and then I get down and you're charging $25, and you're paying fucking don't make me say names. You know what I'm saying? Like, you ever get to a gig and they're paying somebody shitty? You're shitty, but he's really shitty. But he's getting $30. You know what I'm saying? Like there's all

these things as a young comic that drive you crazy and attest your will. It's You gotta want to do this, man. You gotta want to do this. And I see people coming out here, they come out here with this half a heart, they want to play this game,

but it's just a game for them. They're just sniffing around to see what door opens. They're not putting it to proper work. They're spinning their wheels. And eventually you spin your wheels for so long, it's over for you. I've seen it a thousand times. A thousand times,

even through all that cocaine and all that shit, I wasn't spinning my wheels My goal was to make A move every 90 days What did I consider a move In those days? It's not who you shoot It's not how many people you shoot the two you shoot A Thursday night set at the store

And you're back in your mind You go listen, I got a spot Tuesday Wednesday But I'm the key in on Thursday night set That's my showcase in my mind That's when Warner Brothers is there That's when Pink Floyd's in the room It's like yourself

far for that one. And those were my goals. If I killed on a Thursday, my weekly goal got hit. And then my other goal was to book a theatrical job or commercial. To make it a stride. Every 90 days it was a stride. Don't wait about what the fucking pays.

Stop with the fucking payment. You know what I'm saying? You want something, even if I come to you and go, it's a SAG promo. You ever shoot a SAG promo? No, but the, what is the public service announcements? Same thing.

Yeah, same deal. You get through a sag promo, and you're like, oh, shit. You're like, oh, shit. The first sag promo I shot was with Sebastian Manascoco. Oh, nice. For fucking politically incorrect, 2000 for Soprano Week, for Mafia Week. Okay. When they showcase the Sopranos and some crime bosses and shit.

And me and Sebastian go down there. The back of my mind, dog, and I had Sudden Bart Vannari. Okay. They sent me out for that. I get down there Book it the next day I go down there Sutton Bar Chish's Coast

go down there And in those days When they give you the contracts It tells you your rate Right On the contract Between me and you Hayses Trail

Uh huh I sat there And I just dream Of For some reason I had the number 2100 In my head I thought it was like a buyout

Yeah Like they're gonna air it all week Uh huh And they BC During the soap operas And all that shit No they're gonna run this promo During every show

every 20 minutes. So tonight on ABC it's Mafia Week and me and Sabatio would walk in and karate chop whatever or something. It was some stupid sketch we did. They were going to do that. They were going to do that.

Okay? So I figured fuck if it's we're shooting Monday, if we're shooting Thursday and they're going to air it starting Sunday, they're going to air it 10 times at night. How much is that if you get a commercial prime spot? Yeah. At $2,500

bucks. I told Lee, if you get an A-Spot commercial, that's $2,500 and up front, and it starts at $6.50, $5.50, $450, $250, $250, $900. And every time they re-air it, it starts. It just goes crazy, and you're getting checks in the mail, and your head's about to explode. You ready for the number on that fucking contract?

Drum roll, please. $350. Oh, shit. My heart sunk. I'm like a fucking promo with whatever from Politically Incorrect, who's on HBO now. Man. I'm like $350 sack.

Why do I pay these people? Why do I pay these people fucking net a dime? $350 that robbing me. If I shot a commercial for Politically Incorrect and it ran A-sides and they paid me legitimately, you walk out of there with a ton of loot. Sacks paying your $350. Per promo.

That's why I probably are right. Per promo. And that includes the shoot day. Wow. No residual. And you got to pay taxes on that. Yeah. And a commission.

$35. Yeah. So at the end of the day, you get $350, you're getting $2.90, $275. Yeah. So you're getting $2.30 to be on ABC during prime time. And everyone's going to call you. You'd be like, I saw you that. Can I borrow $800?

Right. I don't have it. I don't have it. But you're making stride. You went to Montreal. Yeah. Tomorrow night you're going to be on fucking the dude. Yeah, the latehury show.

Yeah, James Gordon. Hopefully you do some karaoke on him. Yeah, well, yeah, I'm off for whatever, man. I heard through the Graveind. He's like Harvey Weinstein's nephew. He might touch your little cullo. Oh, hey, man. But I might just have the 350, no longevity on that.

Take the bullet, let them grab you a little Mexican ass. Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Your cousins did worse. Hilarious. Hey, Mr. Trey, you've been hustled. I've been hustling, baby. I see it, and that's what I'm saying.

Today, when I talked to you, when I spoke to you this morning, we were sitting around, and a friend of mine was going to call in tonight, and I'm sitting there, and I'm going to wait a second. This fucking Hazel's Trail kid, I hear his name every other week, which is big for a guy like me

because I'm in no circle. I'm in no circle. So when I hear your name, and then I see you, you're always a gentleman, you're always polite, I knew for a while your family was going through something they were supposed to do a benefit of something

I said I'd be involved but I was out of town so you've always been a gentleman and you're not walking around with your nose open and I know why that's your Mexican pride Yeah Your Mexican pride We never allowed you to walk around Well a certain Mexican pride

Will not allow you to walk around with your nose open You'd rather get thrown over that fucking wall And sell lollipops in the border and bow down I'm gonna find a hustle man That's just the way your people are. That tree that you're from, I could see your brother. Your father came over here and got a fucking loan more. And he did the best he could.

He fucking kept the house alive with a loanmo. Yeah? Every time you see a loan more, bow. Throw a penny at it. Out of respect for the Jews. Yeah, man. Thank God that one Jew invented a loanmo. Every time I see a garner with his son out of helping him, I chuck a deuce.

Can you imagine what your dad did? That's what most people don't. He's a G, man. That's what most people don't understand that cry every fucking day. you come here from another country you get mocked at times while you're out there with the loan more in today's world

when all you hear is about all this bullshit you don't hear about the truth you don't hear about the lady who puts a stick of the old thing and throws the lollipop at you. Yeah, yeah. To just make you feel worse than what you already feel like. But again, your pride is the one that makes you carry

that lawnmower every day. You know, just to, it's so weird when people do something like that. See, I don't have... Hey, people don't, look, I have this, like, I talk to Steve Simone often, and we have this thing where it's like, look, it doesn't come when you call, but it's always on time. And people genuinely mean well, there's good in everybody. Just people sometimes don't know any better.

And you can't get mad at them. Sometimes their actions are different than what's really in here, or they're projecting something that, look, everybody got shit on their plate. People carrying a different weight of across. We don't know the weight of it. Some people who you think is an asshole Probably carrying a heavier weight than the one I'm carrying, you know? And I don't know that.

It's not for me to know. All I know is that I'm focused on the prize. You know what I mean? That's all it is. It's so weird. I'm thinking I'm looking at you. And I see you in that hallway at night at the store. And I see you walk by and you always shake my hand

and I see how you are towards people. At the 10-year market colony, especially when I was at the store. I was just buying time. My answers I ain't gonna lie to you. I was just behind time. I had no idea that I was gonna be in a podcast room with you. Yeah. Going to Indianapolis, selling out three shows.

Yeah. That was not even on my agenda. I can't. I was just looking to survive. If I could have an apartment, store Coke, and do spots at the comedy store, that's as good as it was gonna get for me. Yeah.

Somewhere along the line, I'd do a line of Coke too much. And he was a good comic. He was a regular. Great. Bye. Get the fuck out of here. Next. When's the next fat Coke Feing coming down the pipe?

Details at 11, you know? Stay tuned. Balushi, the other fat dude from fucking sitting there live, died. He's just another fat fuck that died from Coke. That's why I was happy I got off the Coke. Yeah. Because fucking, you're going to die anyway. But I'm going to have Lee find me here.

Yeah. My wife's going to call Lee and say he never came home last night. come here and I'm on the floor I came here and the little label we're all dying we don't want to expedite it we don't want to expedite or fucking die from that stupidity hell no you said something interesting earlier

Jesus you said both of your parents speak Spanish like that's all they speak well they speak a little bit of English my my dad speaks more English because of work you know work construction that kind of thing but yeah because like I I grew up

my whole life hearing from various people like oh wow why don't people learn English? Because they're too busy working people. And like, yeah, and like some people like even, and I get it in some situations, but like they would view it as disrespect to speak a different language.

And to me, I never saw it that way, but seeing like in those areas in L.A., America, where you just don't need English. Right, right. Is. You don't need English because all the signs are in Spanish in downtown L.A.

Certain parts of you're like, uh-uh. The grocery store is named El Super. El Super. So it's just, uh, what, like, what are your guys' opinions? You guys obviously speak English perfectly, but do you think it's the disrespect thing? I know your mom was pretty strict with you, Joey, but I don't, to me, I don't see it. Gohazes. Um, like a disrespect to speak Spanish?

Yeah, I mean, I mean, did you see, did people, I'm not learning English. Right. Did you feel it was disrespectful? I mean, your dad was forced into learning the language because that's business. Yeah. You can't keep walking around saying Cinco passos. Right.

Yeah, he knows work English and stuff like that. I mean, obviously, if I was going to have it, like, you know, I went to school, it's English. I think when Jesus said that, he said from a second language home. Well, he said he didn't have a, like, he didn't have a good... I didn't have command of the language until fifth grade because I grew up in an environment that only spoke. Spanish and once I started going to school

like elementary school you start getting introduced to it but I fully got the command of it come fifth grade you see what I'm saying? Right and you never failed none of the classes before that? I was in slow classes I tested really slow I tested really bad so I was in slow classes you know I was a special air class because it's like oh you test

you test horribly because you can't speak to language I can't speak to language sure that's like the kids in my school also yeah these guys are geniuses but they were good with math and something else, but two things English, they'd fail. Yeah. So they'd keep them there.

That was fucked up. But listen, it's not where you start is where you end, baby. That's right, man. And business is shit. From fucking college. Shake them up, boom. First Mexican, your family, first generation. First generation?

That passed the fucking eighth grade. Never mind fucking college. Yeah? I mean, so no, no, no. You have a lot to be proud of. Yeah, I'm excited. He has a lot to be proud of. Thank you, man.

That means a lot, man. And look, when I called you today, I didn't know you were going to be on the show. show. This is all fucking, this is what happens. You called me to extend something and that goodness you bought out, turned around. I did not even know you were going to be on,

I didn't even know James Coltrum put comedians on it. Yeah, he's put a handful of people on it, so I'm, you know, I'm excited. It'll be Cedric on it and Hussein Bolt are going to be the guests and your boys on it. I was supposed to do it last month and I got bumped. Stephen Colbert was coming on, which is fine, but look, it was a blessing in disguise, man,

because, you know, I've been running this five-minute set, and there was a line, my opening line, in my head it clicked, and it was funny, but I just kept running it on the open mics, man. I just kept running it, running it. Just three or four mics a day, just running it. And my homie, DeMarie, I was hitting, you know, spots with him, and he gave me a tag, and it just turned everything around.

And I'm like, everything happens for a reason, blessing in disguise. Had I done it then, it would have been fine, but now I'm... It's clicking. It's clicking, man. Money, money, honey. I'll probably do a set tonight at the store late night to get the bomb out the way, you know? Going there just, you know, hungry for me.

Rough it out. Yeah, so I'm excited, man. I was able to run the set and, you know, everything happens when it's supposed to, you know? It's so funny how after about a year you get the system in your head at the store and you, even though you're not a top-notch comic like you're watching guys like Bill Burr and Rogan.

Rogan, you. And Eddie Griffin and fucking dice. And you're sitting in the back of the room Like, just having all these doubts as a man, as a human being. Like, man, I might just get an ounce of coke and just end it tonight. I'll never get this girl. But watching that every night, being around that. Mitzi Shaw said that place as a college.

It is. It's a four-year college. The first year, it's like your first year in Jiu-Jitsu. You're getting beat up no matter where they put you. Yeah. No matter what part of the schedule they're putting you. You're getting beat up. Once in a while I get some brilliant side of the year.

You know, that open mic I watch, you fucking kill the room. But it's amazing, you know, there's a year, year and a half in the store where you fucking, every time you go down there, you might be stepping on a grenade. Yep. You never know what it's going to be. Fresh grenade. A fresh grenade. You might kill the original room two times in a row.

I mean, semi-standing ovation in the words of Carlson-Losman, see it. I got a semi-standing ovation. and then go into fucking, you could go off your best set ever in the original room, walk into the main room the exact same set and not get one nothing. Not one last.

Lee, do you know what that ride home feels like? You start testing science, comedy, what did I do wrong? You listen to the set. And that's why Mitchie said it was a comedy college. You get to watch 10 comics a night see how they grow.

It teaches you how you're supposed to bro. She was brilliant when it came to that stuff. Yeah, and it's like the little details of the place. I remember seating people in the original room. I would work the door, seat people. And this is like 2011.

End of, yeah, towards the end of 2011. How long were you a doorman before you became a regular? Over two years, like two years and a half. Good for you. I got past September 7, 2012. And I remember the priority I had

seating the room was when they brought up Argus that I needed to remember his intro It's like, because when I get past I'm gonna do the first spot That's part of being passed You gotta bring up Argus and have the You know, his intro This next comic, you've seen him on tonight show

More Times Annie comic He writes for over 150 newspapers and magazines Give it up for Argus Hamilton And I remember when I got past I ran that fucking intro more than my set bro I'm like I don't want to disrespect Argus I mean, he's the OG there you know I mean I can't disrespect him

no way. I could bomb, but I ain't disrespect to my man, you know? And I ran the set. It was an okay set, you know, nothing special. Gave him the intro when I got off. I'm like, fuck, I said the intro. And that meant the world to me getting past. It was like hanging out at that pizza joint in high school where you went and hooked up with that chick when you were 16. And when I say a pizza joint, this is, what's the word I'm looking for, Lee fictional, non-fiction location. Like Lee had what? You had a pizza joint where you went in high school? Yeah, but you could have a sandwich to shop, a Chinese place, whatever time.

It becomes... When you first get to the store of people, it's the weirdest description. You're a fish out of water. You just moved here from some mumfucked down when you were the king of swing. And you know some of the guys. If you're that heavy, you met three or four of the guys because we came through when you open for us

and we dug us anytime we're in LA look us up we're at the store or something but still you come out here and you're a fish out of water

and you get that first apartment boy and you're sweating bullets on how you're gonna pay rent and you get yourself a gig and I never wanted to work for Mitsy Shore the first time I walked in there and I heard the whole thing

I go you know what I'd love to be a doorman here but not really I really went through this in Denver where they see you not as who you are but what they saw you with the first time so when you call back for years

there's a thousand comics they'll tell you man my home club don't book me yeah it's a mom mentality you're always be with you the baby in their eyes it's a fucking night man so when I went in there and she gave me ba ba ba pa pa pa

I was very fortunate but Josh Wolfe and we laughed about this thousand times he went in there three or two times and killed before she made him regular like three minutes. He did like a 10 minute and then she told him to come

back another 10 minutes. He came back on another style of 10 minutes and she goes, you did great. You want to be a doorman and he cracked. Poor Josh Wolf. You could hear the bone to the spine going and Josh said fuck that I'm not going to be a dog man, you know, because then she'll never have

passed, whatever. Yeah. It was my first couple years there I couldn't wait to get back like when I went on the road I went from the airport to the store like I would go to the store on Monday night

with luggage that's my favorite with a grandma blowing my luggage I take it right to the kitchen with the money I had in my pocket and started fucking drinking at the bar snort and blow on a Monday night you know it was just sensation

it was just a weird thing and different girls were coming there and it was dark. At that time it was dark. There were a couple comics that were young that were really freaking. You could tell them were up to something. I didn't know what until about like a year later

when I heard. I said, where's that dude? And it was like, you didn't hear, your old deed in the back. That's one of the dog guys. That's when you come in and the door guys will be, the door guys will get there at seven and start drinking in those days.

It was the weirdest thing because in those days, it was a ship that just ran itself. Yeah. There was no manager that was going to come to you and tell you what to do. Yeah. They were told hands off. Mitsy Short told them hands off. Meanwhile, she's losing thousands at the bar.

Yeah. Because guys like me are getting a package and doing double jacks or double fucking southern comforts every three minutes and smoking 22 cigarettes, you know? Yeah. She had no idea. So she broke even in there. Yeah.

But what were you talking to? Oh, the comedy store. Like, I couldn't wait to get back there. Lee, I did not go home in those days. On Monday night, and in those days, I would fly back on Monday nights perfectly. Like, I would party Saturday night and sleep until 11. Check out of 12 and fly out of whatever hotel I was at, that 3 o'clock flight, which got me to LAX at 9.30.

It would always be delayed till 10.30, perfect. And then I took a cab to the comedy store for the small yardstick, plus the tip and I go right inside on a Monday night there'd be maybe 60 people in the original room I'd get up real quick through 10 minutes and then go right back to the bar and give the bartender a 20 and go to work get five packages for a hundred from the doorman and we go to work in there and pray that a victim will come into your lab because the main room was empty you could take them into the main room women's bathroom in those days that was the cave of death If a girl agreed to go into a line of Coke, you had it.

She didn't give a fuck about his state of what. Nothing. Nothing. Wow. Where's Tony Bennett Cox? You're slipping. You see what I'm saying? Monday, I don't know what it is, the 23rd, 22nd.

Doesn't even matter anymore. I want to be around. That's it. To pick up the pieces. When somebody. breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart as I

a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me to learn that misery loves company me wait and see I want to be around who see how he does it

when he breaks your heart to bits let's see the puzzle let me give some shoutouts real quick Amanda W Dr. Di Nicole Tucker thank you for coming

for the Kentucky shows you people good fucking people had a good time in Kentucky Josh Cowden Nick Alvarado Andrew Nondiel, my little fucking buddy up in Nyack, New York, slinging dick. Bubba Hodge boys, my fucking savages, smoking reef in the morning with me on Periscope,

Sir Alex Ferguson, and River C-1-37. I love your cucksuck. I got to tell you guys about something real quick. Tremendous. Like you said, Azus. You don't know where your days are ended up. All you can do is give it 100%. I got up this morning,

at a conference call, I had to send some guys some fucking emails. I went to Jiu-Jitsu, and I had a meeting with these fucking dudes. And then from there, I went home. Then I went home about 4.30, 4.35. I have to pick the baby up at 5.30. So I usually work on the computer until 5.

And then at 5, I watch the news with ice on my knees because I can do it for 20, 25 minutes. And then I go pick up the baby. baby. So I get home and I get on Facebook, I get on a bunch of shit, I'm going through stuff, sending emails. And something, when I went to Facebook, and I clicked on messages, but it hit the other one by mistake and it said, you have four messages. And I clicked on that link and I went to it and I saw this fucking name. And it said something. And I don't know what caught me to open. There was a bunch of fucking things. It was like messenger

which you don't tap into for some reason. It just lurks on your Facebook. So it said I had like I don't know how many messages I tap into it and I see this fucking Trevor you know and Everwheeler and it rang something in my head

and I clicked on the link and I scroll and it's a picture of me as a young savage playing with this kid doing karate with this kid. He's got to be two, maybe three. And the story goes, when I first, first, first got into the car, but this is the first fucking day. I meet this slick, cool motherfucker that only a person like myself can meet.

God put these people in my life for some reason. My next book after this one were the angels in my life. I got about 15 of them. Like I said, I have not heard from this guy. But mine and his relationship started six months before I committed the crime. Six months. April of 87, I met Jim Wheeler, and a Subaru dealer called Bill Crats that was known for being thieves.

And he was the underboss of the dead of thieves. He was, it was a debt of thieves, dog. There was 11 car salesmen, and we were, fucking selling tons of cars in that corner. One guy ended up being a bank robber that would rob banks at lunchtime from the car dealership

so he'd go for lunch and rob a bank and then come back on the hour later. One guy Normulette went to prison for something else. We had him with ankle bracelets and shit. The one guy, Brian, ended up becoming a service guy. The one guy, Wayne was another big part of my life

but he came later at Bill Crouch. His son worked there with him. He was a young kid who quit high school. You had all these killer car salesmen. And how I got to the car business was that store. And, yeah, the guy's name was Peter Pinto who hired me, and he was kind of giving me the ropes. But the guy who came up to me the first time

and asked me if I wanted to smoke a number or fucking, let me teach you, I'd do something with this Jim Wheeler, dude. And I fell in love with him instantly. I was a kid, bro. I was maybe 25 years old. He was maybe 30. Good looking dude short. And then we started doing karate in the back.

He was a big Bruce Lee fucking dude. He was a big Bruce Lee dude. He had a book signed by Bruce Lee, the tower J-Cundo. So me and him became tighter and tighter and tighter. So I'm good at this car dealership. I'm a young pimp. I'm snorting coke. I got a girlfriend.

I went from making $800 a month to making $7,000 a month selling cars, I was wearing a suit going to fucking, not cocoa's, but the other one. The Red Robin, I go to Red Roblin, drink the fucking 450 margaritas, the top shelf and shit. Oh, I was Johnny Gumbach. Hell yeah. I never cooked again. Cook is for fucking maggots. I was driving through that money.

They would give me like a $2,000 advance on the 5th to pay my bills, and then they would wash me out on the 20th. So I would pick up like two Gs on the fucking fifth And then you'd pick up like another 3,000 on the 20th Which dog was fucking a lot for a kid like me at that age You fucking kidding me? 3,000 I was getting breakfast every day at Taco at a Taco Bell?

No, the other one. Del Taco? No, Burrito Supreme. No, that's Taco Bell. What's the other one? Jack in the Box. There was a jack in the box up the corner from the car dealership.

And I used to go in there every day like Johnny Bananas. And I get the fish and shrimp salad. That's how I first learned that that was fucking communist fish. When I would go home at night, they'd fucking had shums. My God, had the salad, and the fucking thing was garbage. And then I would eat that, and two of those greasy dollar tacos. In those days, they gave you two huge jack-in-the-box. We'll give you two killer tacos.

Now they're all sad looking. Oh, they were delicious. That fucking baboon meat would sit in your stomach for a week of a half. You'd have these farts. Baboon meat. You'd have to pull over and leave your coat door. The door's open, open the trunk. It was like you ran over somebody.

That's how bad your fucking ass would smell. I must have gained 30 pounds. But anyway, back in the gym with a little stuff. So I'm rocking and rolling. I'm snort blow. I got this girlfriend who ended up becoming my wife. One day, Jim Wheeler's the used car manager. And I said, Jim, you know what, man?

They're taking away my fucking demo. This is bullshit. He goes, I got a car for you. Jim was a brilliant selling. He really was, bro. He taught me a lot in the beginning. He was solid. So, fucking, I bought a car from him.

Put it out of the arm. You know what I'm saying? Just put it on the arm. I'm taking it out of my check. How much for the car? $4.50. All right, no worries. Come check there.

They took $1,000 out for the car. How did it go from $450 to $1,000? They're like, well, they talked on $250 to D&H and $100 for the car wash. And I'm like, all right, but it's still $1,500, whatever. And I got into an argument with him. Now, the general manager owner of that place, on paper, if you looked at him,

he was just a little twirp. But between you and I, later on, I came to find out he was a gangster. and he was a gangster. So he was in the back on a Saturday. A lot is packed. This is who Joey Diaz was in 1987 before I kidnapped. Carlos Valverdi's there. This guy owns his there who was a big,

what he called those dude's surfer that would come here in the winter and then there in the summer and sell cars. He's all big guys. I went into Peter Pinto and I yelled at him with a foot. Why did you take this? I trusted. Jim,

Wheeler was my goomba. Jim Wheeler was not going to fuck me over. So while all this is going on, Jim Wheeler's in accounting, trying to figure out why they took so much money out for this car. So this is how high I was. I went at Peter Pinto. He said he wouldn't give me back the money until Monday or Tuesday. And then Wheeler came and I goes, Joe, relax.

I have the money for you on Monday or Tuesday. I want the fucking check today. They're like, Joey, they can't give you the fucking check today. I don't give a fuck. Go get the own and tell him. want my fucking money. And then Peter Pinta goes, if we give you your money,

you can't work anymore. And I looked at him, and I went into the service department and there was a fucking sledgehammer. One of those light ones. And I jumped on one of the Subaru GL-10s, and I said, listen, if I don't get my

fucking money, I'm going to start smashing windshields. And ten minutes later, they came out with the cash. Peter Pindle gave it to me out of his pocket, and they sent me home for the day to think about what I had done. I'll never forget It was Jim Wheeler

Who fucking Took me down from the ledge I ended up quitting I was still friends with Wheeler I went back And that's where I got arrested For the kidnapping Oh

Okay He deterred the cops From what I heard him And a guy I had a beef with Detered the cops They sent blazing Brett Hazen To my house

To wake me up To let me know the cops Were en route I think it'll only stall him for so long. He kept telling the cops, listen, they'll be here 15 minutes. Wait for him. And the cops kept going, no, we want his address to send a car to his house.

And they kept making up lies. Nah, it's the wrong address we got. They gave him like a wrong address, and they figured it out from my license, and then they shot the fuck over. But those guys covered from me, all right? But here's where it gets deep. I turned myself in. My name comes out of the paper.

My name comes out of the paper a couple fucking times. The job I had, they sent me a note. Don't come back with a check for $250. There's a only one step into the building. You know, I heard they cut the article out and put it on the wall to really disgrace me and shit. Like, I had a couple salesmen of the months, and they took the article and put it next to the salesman of the month,

like really to break my balls. Because the Chrysler guy and me were tight. I was buying a ton of Coke from the manager at the Chrysler side. He was another one of my angels. I loved that dude, Artie. Artie is a big Lee. Take a look at Lee.

If Lee was six for five and 200 pounds, Jewish, Artie Presler taught me to gift the salesmanship. Like I thought I was a salesman at Subaru. I wasn't shit until I got to Artie Preslin.

He broke it down from me like a soldier. Really? Step by step. If you do these things like this, you will sell this car. Nice. Once you step away from this, you will fail. And no matter how much it hurt for me to do what he'd say, I did it, and my car number doubled.

Wow. Because from his words, he would knock you into fucking into a weird percentageville that would make the fucking customer. Until today, I use a lot of his methods. Yeah. Until today, man. To negotiate stuff in the business? Absolutely.

Wow. Absolutely. So it was weird. So now I get locked up for a month. everybody knows cops told my car they go through my house there's more articles

in the paper now they're putting articles in the paper that connected me to a kidnapping murder they connected me to two things a dude who jumped off his balcony when the cops

had chased them and they weren't really cops he jumped off the balcony and the people robbed them and he broke both his legs some moron and there was a Cuban kid who was selling coke

but he was getting like $80,000 from the government to go to school there because there was no Cuban kids. He was milking him for Pels and Pels' cousins and more Pels. In those days, in the late 80s, if you were Spanish and a white campus, you live like a doctor. You didn't have to play football. Fuck that.

They put you in a category with American Indians. They give those people casinos at those colleges. They give them like a little dorm. Listen, don't tell nobody. Don't tell none of these pale-faced motherfuckers. This is for you, people. Cover the spread. But sorry about what happened.

Put a couple of Mexicans in here Give him a couple feathers Nobody will know nothing Alright Don't tell him your name is Jesus Tell him your name is Dona Ruba from the fucking Zona tribe

These are Cherokees From fucking whatever They don't give a fuck Just give them a cocktail They'll be happy You can tell them Whatever the fuck you want Hilarious

Give him a kamikaze You know so No So I do four weeks in county jail Embarrassment People already Telling my roommate at the time was tight with me. He grew up with me

in Jersey, George, and he was telling me, I was working, and the guy pulled over and said, lose his number. Like Coke dealers had told me to stop. Wee dealers said, don't come on. He's harder to fuck. If he gets on bail, he's going to have cops watching. So I was getting

messaged, like, are you kidding me? Jesus, why don't you going to talk to me? No more, I can't talk to you by. And people would just hang up on me. Because by me getting out of jail, either I was on a rat. Right. Or... Ex-on you. Yeah, so now I had a fucking terrible ex-on-on-me.

I applied at two places for jobs. They thought about it for a day, came out, and they were like, I even thought that, I even went to places that would have hired me in a fucking heartbeat any other time. And they told me no. And one day my phone rang, and it was Jim Wheeler. And he goes, hey, man, I left crowds.

I'm looking for some good salesmen at, at Valley Longmont. Subaru. Oh my God. So it's 1988 he gives me this job. I'm so cracked from the kidnapping. I can't sleep at night. All I'm thinking about is the nine years they're going to give me. They wanted me to

plea bargain to nine years. I got to be kidnapping. I couldn't sell a car. I couldn't focus. He got the company. The company wanted me gone. Once they found that it was in the papers, the company went there and said if he's not selling cars. got to go.

So Wheeler gave me a deal on the Subaru, basically gave it to me. We bought a car for like 168, a beautiful Subaru hatchback, which she got triple for. When we got divorced, she got triple for that fucking car.

Dang. The car was mint. A little red fucking hatchback. Jesus Christ, how time flies. So now, I'm tight with Wheeler. I'm tight with Wheeler.

And Wheeler fucking bailed me out with nobody would hire me or talk to me. Wheeler bailed me on. He got married that December. He invited me to his wedding. He had a little child. In the car business, when I say to you, Jesus, what's the offer? $2.50 a month.

Let's bump him. Bump him up to $2.80. A bump means that, you know, your income goes up. When the one kid was born, Trevor, he would always refer to him as the bump. My life got bumped. Now I got to pay more fucking money to the wife, so I got to stay here all fucking

that. He was a great salesman, bro. We used to smoke weed together. We used to play the guitar together and sing. He played the guitar. I'd sing. We used to do karate demonstrations in the fucking car. Wait, how old were you? 30?

25, 26. Now I go to prison. I go back to fucking New York. I'm doing comedy. I come back. Who's the first guy I call? Jim Wheeler. William. Jim Wheeler calls me back. He goes, what's up, my brother?

I go, I'm looking for a gig. He goes, come on out. It's a long month. I got you a gig at Winkler. Winkler used cars. Winkler, the old man. People are making $10,000 a month. They're retards.

Retards. Wow. Selling used cars, pay here, buy here, the Mexican people. You think I'm kidding you? You know, you want the car. You got no credit. Right? You got no fucking credit.

Right. You play that angle. This car, this car is worth $1,000. I'm going to charge you $2,500 plus the Vig. You're going to come here every Friday at five or and give me $160. If you drive your car, you know, a family, a

Spanish family, will pay $160 a week to drive a decent car back and forth to work and depend on the family. Is it a Maserati? Not really. It's just a fucking car. You ever see El Chapo? No. Yeah, no. His cousin,

what's his cousin's name? Fucking Not Federico Sanchez, fucking Pablo Escobar. When Pablo, after they figured out, I didn't know any of their cousins. Yeah, whatever. They sell coke together.

They're cousins. They're all fucking cousins. After they figured that he had high-level cars, he put his people in these fucking weird cars. These pieces of shit, duds, darts, and shit. That's what you get when you're a Spanish family. Right. And you move to Longmont.

But you're making bank on these people. And he would pay you advance. So if the car was, if he owned the car, car for a thousand bucks and you sold it for 2,500. He would give you like 60% a bonus. It was amazing. My first week there I made three grand. Wow.

I started December 18th. That date always fucks with me. December 18th? Yeah, I start December 18th. I get the first check from him and then we're going into the second week and what do you know? It's a Christmas party. I go to the Christmas party that day The lot's open

But they're barbecuing They're serving food They're doing all this shit And I'm playing basketball I'm looking at the people playing bad And at that time I was doing good shape My shoulders are good And I can play basketball

That's what I grew up on doing And I'm looking at this guy That's fucking Doug From Aspen Amidly Yeah I don't know I think so

With them Shotgun Doug From Asper Shotgun Doug. So when I met him, he was Doug. Okay, when I first went to Boulder, Colorado, to, to, Aspen, Colorado from February of 80, April of 83 to February of 84, there was a kid who was, you know, one of us, young, you know, a chick guy, good-looking guy,

and then they was Doug. He sold powder. He sold pills. He worked at the hotel where we all hung out. You know, I hung out not in his clique, but in his clique.

There was two cliques at the Crestwood Hotel in those days. And I hung out with Vince and his brother, Carl Hall, and there was somebody else who lived in the Vicki.

And then they had their click. Brian, shotgun Doug. Brian was a fucking moron who later on I tolerated. But every once in a while, He wanted to smack him in the mouth for a stupid statement. He was too old.

How does he go from just Doug into shotgun, Doug? Okay. Very interesting question. How did he get bumped? How did he get bumped into a shotgun? Okay, so I leave till 84. This all goes down. What I'm telling you right now is going down in 91.

No, this is going down in 93. This is how long I know Jim Wheeler. So I met Wheeler in 87, and he always had my motherfucking back. And then a dude by the name of Wayne Means went to Bill Crout Subaru, and I went back and worked for them. And Wayne Means was my mentor. As a matter of fact, let's be honest with each other. You know who used to tell me the church of what's happening now?

Wayne Means. Wayne Means had a belief. Wayne Means just said to me, listen, dog, I don't give a fuck what you did yesterday. I don't give a fuck what you did the day before. I'm from the church of what's happening now and I'm from Missouri. You got to show me, motherfucker today. I'm from the show me state.

He was a white dude that was gorgeous with short hair and a beard before a beard was cool. He would have a long beard. Chuck Norris-like? Yeah, very tight. But in the summer, in the winter, he would disappear. He was a biker with the Mongols or something like that. And he would disappear and he laid his beard back.

And then you'd see him a week before April. And there he was with his beard with the long hair. He'd give you a hug with his leather on and the whole thing. And then a week later you saw him with a $600 suit with hair looking like Pat Riley and the beard cut short with blue eyes. And he was another great man that taught me another angle of sales. But how to be a man. Look at you got to shine your shoes. How are you going to fucking sell a car with shitty shoes?

He always, he would fucking suspend people if you had shitty shoes. Wow. It drove him crazy if you were. Your shirt wasn't ironed. It drove him crazy if you wore. a fucked up tie with a shirt with designs. Oh, okay, yeah.

He taught me a lot. But anyway, back to shotgun, Doug. So now, I come back in to Snowmass in 85, I don't fucking know, 86. And one day, I see Doug. And I go, Doug, what's going on?

And somebody whispers, Oh, no, no, he's not Doug anymore. He's shotgun, Doug. So I'm like, Doug, what's going on? He's like, no, I'm good to see. I'm selling some blow. I think I buy some blow for him. So I go through my butt.

Now, when I do with Doug, Doug was a regular guy. You know, he did drugs, but now he had become a Coke fiend. He had creepy eyes and shit. Blast over eyes? And fucking, uh... Oh, that's what you know. And fucking, uh... So, uh, we're sitting there, and one of my buddies goes,

how good is that Coke from shit? shotgun dog you know listen why do you call him shotgun dog because here's the deal one night he's at the crest wood and he's not the crestwood at the Stonehenge and Snowmass Village just like a little resort bar

you know live bands horrible you just go there and get your dick sucked and pick up a rock of coke from the bartender coke was pure in those days up there coke was clean by no step on shit it was coming from the Steve Grabo dude and the whole fucking village had tremendous coke it was a fucking village dog they had

three bars So he picked up this chick At the Stonehenge And he took it back to the Crestwood Where he took a hotel room He lived in the employee housing But you had roommates So he went

Took a key off the wall And brought her up to a fucking condo With a view Wow Like a balcony and a view They're drinking They're watching porn He's jerking off on the titty's

The whole fucking package He's got an A ball on him He's snort and coke He's snorting coke He snort and coke, he snort and coke. He kept leaving and coming back to the hotel room, like 20 minutes later. She would say, what are you bringing in? And he didn't say that.

He goes, I know I'm bringing in some clothes. I could spend the night here. We got the condo for the night. You're my guest. He's the skis and shit, okay? This goes on a few times. There's snort and coke. Nine in the morning they wake.

They don't even go to bed. The sun's coming out. There's snort and blow. This is the first time I had heard of it. This is 1980. Fuck. Yeah, this is 86. I heard this story.

So, Doug gets up in nine. There's snort and coke. The chick's naked. He's naked. He goes to the bathroom. He comes back and he goes, wait a second. Coke is missing.

The chick says, what are you talking about? He goes, there was a mound of Coke when I went to the bathroom. And now I come back to this two fucking lines. Where's the fucking Coke, bitch? And get up, flap your tits up.

Turn around. Let me see you. ass and she's like, what are you talking about? He goes, you got three minutes and give me the fucking Coke. And she goes, Doug, I didn't take no coke. He runs into the fucking back. He comes out with his shotgun. That shit he was carrying with shotguns.

Because he would get paranoid. He was that crazy. How many shotguns does he have? I have no idea. He just kept moving him. He ran out and he took the chick hostage. He put a gun to her head. Give me the fucking Coke. Give me the fucking Coke. He was like on the second floor and something on the balcony was outside smoking a cigarette and

saw this. So fucking the cops came up there surrounded the building. He had the shotgun that became a horror situation. They had to fucking call somebody. They took him down. Took the shotgun away. Hence the expression, shotgun dug. Now it's 1990 fucking 4.93.

How quickly do you get out of prison for that? Listen, I don't ask questions. When I get there, everybody's like, shotgun dog is gone. He's doing time. He's doing time. He kidnapped. He put a bullet in some chick's head on my shotgun, Doug. Really? They go, he got really bad on the blow.

Now, it's 1993. I'm in Longmont, Colorado. You know what the chances are bumping into somebody in Longmont, Colorado at that time? There was one thing in Longmont, Colorado, delisioso tacos. They had the best breakfast taco I've ever sank my teeth into for 69 cents.

I would go to them by 15 of them and eat them on the drive back to Bowden. You understand me, I'm a professional. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was lifting weights, swimming. I would live. I would walk into Hertz and go, Tommy, you got a car to go to Longmont.

Yes, we do. do. See you in two hours. Piyo! I would shoot right to delisios. Anyway, here I am. Christmas, 1993, the party, my new job, I'm the kiss of death at the time. Everything I'm touching turns to shit. Shit.

Shit. I'm at this party, and who do I see playing basketball at the party? But shotgun done. So while we're playing basketball, he yells over to me. No, I yell to him. shotgun dug and he looks up at me like all spoof and he goes hey man how you doing and when he comes up to me he slams me in the chest what he goes who the fuck you think you are don't you ever call me shotgun dug bitch i'll go to my car and shoot you and we kept playing basketball now i'm in the game against him and while we're playing you know me dog yeah i start with the shotgun dugs

shotgun dug shotgun dug shotgun dug he's getting redder in the face by the fucking minute you want to water yes please I would love one he's getting

redder in the face by the minute he doesn't want nobody to know he's shotgun dug wow he's putting his business out there he did something he did something do you want water

no I'm good about anything so why keep busting his balls throughout this basketball game calling him shotgun Doug shotgun dog and he starts threatening me. Uh-oh. He doesn't sound like someone who you want to mess with to be honest. Huh? Yeah. I don't

think I'd mess with shotguns though. He was a fucking puk. And he became a worst puk. And now he was like a coke fiend mixed with like he was skinnier and he was really creepy and he was a fucking fucking dickhead. So he starts yelling back and forth you know, but you were in prison

too, you fuck. I heard the whole story. You kidnap some chick. And everybody's looking at me now. So I'm fucked. I put myself with this predicament. They don't say nothing. Nobody said nothing. So I wait a little while. Everybody's jingo bellin. It was a trailer. The people drinking that mug, there was cold cuts. It was a nice setup.

Yeah. There had to be fucking 25 people there. Everybody's having a good time. I'm around the back and who do I see? Shotgun Duck. And I fucking, you know, he's smoking the same right to do it. And that's when my creeping skills were on point. Like I was good. Top-notch. Oh, yeah, I was getting good before I went to prison.

Now I came out my creeping skills one point. And it was something I enjoyed doing, sneaking up on somebody. You live to do that shit. You do it when you're a kid, and that's fine. To do it in real life, I got them. And I got them by the neck. But the only thing I could slam them up against was the trailer where the people were having a Christmas party.

So when I slammed them up against the trailer, I told you the story. I clocked them a few times. Next thing you know, everybody runs out and goes, what happened? And he's like, Diaz attacked me. I go, you tell him what you did. You had a knife. You were going to fucking do all this shit to me.

I didn't do nothing. He called me Shotgun Doug. I don't even know who Shotgun Doug is. And the rest was history. They gave him my check and fired me. Wow. Shotgun Doug. Shotgun, man.

You know what you did, Shotgun Doug. Oh, man. He's shotgun dog, punk-ass bitch. Pussy-ass, my fuck. Fucking shit. Whoa. What time are you on tomorrow? Hayes' Trail.

I am on at 1230. That's a late late show with James Corden. How old are you now? 31. You're a very interesting young man. You have great insight, man. You're going to do well in comedy. And that's why you've done so well already.

You have dates on the books? November 11th. No, November 12 will be Ontario. Improv. Doing a one-nighter. Good for you. Yeah. You make good students.

Not headline. I wouldn't call the headline. I'm just doing a show. Yeah, you're doing a show. That's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I started at the Bray Improv once a month. Second Wednesday in the month.

When me and Lee started working, I was doing one Wednesday every month at the Bray Imprope. You get 40 people, then you get 60 people. Then you get 100 people. Then you get another hundred people, another month. Then you go to 160. You're like, Jesus Christ, I'm making strides here on Wednesday nights

because people get used to you bring two comics down. And now you start selling tickets And it's not a bad little living once a month But you don't want to kill yourself The more you do it, the less you're going to make Once every Wednesday The second Wednesday every month If they know you're going to be there

They'll fucking show up They'll pay the small 15 Just to have two drinks and eat macaroni Whatever those ficken Those mozzarella sticks It's pretty interesting When you really get to see the other side of people Like I'm ready to do a documentary

about fans of comedy, faces of comedy, the people who... Do you go to Townsend you see the same couple that comes in and that kind of thing? I love when a person comes up to me as a comic and go, Hey, this trail, it's great to see you. You know, I've been a fan for a long time. I like that. But I also like when people come up to me and go, dog, I came here to see Burke Kreisher and Big J. O'Gerson and Louis Gomez and Ari Sheffir.

That gives me a different admiration for a person. Then they'll show up with like a bird shirt. Yeah. They want me to sign or something. Because you let me know you're a fan of the culture. Yeah, the art. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. The art, the culture.

That's what makes my dick hard. When people come up to me, oh, it's like a picture, I think you're great. That's great. But I like when people come up and come up me with different angles. It's very interesting. It's really interesting. I love when people come up to me,

and it's a guy that looks like Lee. That's a very decent, hardworking American. and they'll come up to you and give me a hug and go, that was a good show. You know, my favorite comic is Galligan. You're like,

oh, chow. Okay. Yeah. That's when your ego really sinks. So your favorite comic is Gallagher, you cocks sucker. Do I look like I was going to cut watermelon store?

Your fuck. Yeah, it's always nice to go into a town or, I'm always surprised when I see people like, yeah, I came to three shows this weekend to see like the same act or whatever. I'm like, wow.

It's like, that's a special kind of person That's really entertained by that Bro Where was I just Tampa In Tampa? A beautiful couple Came five shows in a row Wow

Remember they came? They came from Gainesville And they got there Because she went to the store And bought something And with the chain She got a lottery ticket And the ticket

And the ticket got a 500 bucks So they booked the hotel They got the tickets on the line. How cool is that? They came to every show, and they sat in the same chair, every show. And they were very sweet and very nice. That's so cool, man. And I promise them I come to Jacksonville and see them, because that's how cool they were.

That's so cool, man. But I had to do better every night because they were there or switch up a new joke. And it made me better. I hate when people come up to me. Like, this week, it came out to me and said, I came all five shows. I'm like, God damn it. But guess what? Every show I got a little better.

And they saw that. I could tell they saw that. Every show I get better. Thursday is just a warm-up, but it's fun because you find the gem in there. You find the gem when you're in there. Bobbing and weave and find it. Yeah.

You bob and weave. You mix the bob and weave. Yeah. With the solid stuff, you blend it just perfectly, and you have a tremendous night on a Thursday night. And now you know your boundaries. You know what I fucking got killed with? I got killed this week the last show

Saturday late first show to sell out true church fans I said something about somebody was standing outside the twin towers on the umbrella when 9-11 hit the building and shit and I didn't get one peep

in there and just got silent in there I had to fucking pull a grenade out of my ass three jokes later to fucking get them out of that fucking state of mind I fuck myself sometimes but that's what comedy is. That's what comedy is. I probably grew

from that right there too. Oh yeah, yeah, you grow. It's weird that Hayes's Trail, I wish I was going through this when I was 35.

This was not the time to give me road angles when I'm 54. You know, I'm not on testosterone. I'm a natural fucking protein and shit like that.

So those four nights kill me. I can do three nights away. from mama and the kids and the sleep pattern. You know, you gotta get up at 3.30 in the morning. I don't fly out. I fly out early.

You know, very seldom like cats that afternoon fly it or something like that. I fly up. Papa goes out the first flight. Yeah. I'd rather get there at 2, taking that. Get some fucking food from the bar. They come pick you up at 7.45 tip top of goo.

You go out to the club, you smoke a number. You do your fucking 50 minutes. You take a few pictures and you go back to the hotel room. If you gotta do radio, you gotta do radio, but it's not, oh, you're a sleep pan. You stop at the lounge, you've got a couple bags of Doritos, maybe a slim gym like a motherfucker,

maybe some kick-cats and shit, a little gallon of water, you go back upstairs to your room, oh shit. Hell yeah. TNT got a lawn on a marathon with Anthony Anderson and Lupo, and now you're living like a doctor. It's two in the morning.

You're in fucking Tampa, Florida with your feet up. Right. You don't have to get up in the morning. What do you give a fuck? You're going to watch all five episodes. All the whole goddamn marathon. It's two in the morning. There, but it's 11 o'clock in LA.

So you're at the comedy store, 11 o'clock. You're not getting into your house until 1.30. That means you're not even thinking of going to bed until 4.30. 435, yeah. That's what happens. And you feel bad because people always say, hey, you want to do lunch tomorrow, yeah, look at me and the angle, is it? I love you to death and I love to you all for it.

but I already looked at the TV guy and they got fucking John Wick 2 on tonight at 11.45. Not happening. It don't end until 1.30. I've been waiting all day for John Wick 2. You know what I'm saying? Right.

Like I've been waiting all fucking day. The calls are coming in. The calls are coming in. From the Ralphie Mae Memorial. Oh. Oh, that's right. It's today, man. I feel very bad.

I'm a podcast. I did not want to. there's some people this is a Hollywood memorial which means what is Hollywood about it's about actors I knew who was going to show up there

and I knew the people that were going to show up there tonight and the reasons they were showing up there and I'm going to do the benefit in Nashville for Ralphie Man his birthday February 17th I think it is for the kid scholarship fund but listen I'm one of those spanishes

Spanish people at the last four out of five wakes or funerals I went to, there's been a fist fight or an argument. It goes down like that, yeah. So I have bad luck. I think if I would have gone there tonight, I would have been in a bad mood. I didn't want to disrespect Ralphie or anybody, so I chose just to stay out of the event and mind my business and behave like a gentleman. That's the best I could do. I gained a tribute the other night at the late show in Lexington, Kentucky. I told the fucking whatever story.

I told the story when I ate the chick's pussy, and he saved me. I told a few stories about Ralphie. It's a fucking memorial. I was my memorial for Ralphie. Obviously, you made the smart adult decision, but just for the sake of a laugh, don't you think Ralphie would love it a little bit if you went off on somebody? I mean, depending on who it is, I think Ralphie would have to be hysterical.

Ralphie would love it, and half the people in that room would have cheered for me to go, of. Here's the problem. I'm 54 years old. I have a family. I have a nice little thing going on. What would I benefit from doing this in front of half the industry? Right.

What happens if I went down and then I got anxiety attack? You know, 10 years ago, this month is when I stopped doing blow on like the 15th. I think Marilyn Martinez died on the sixth. Oh, no, no, she died on Rick Ramos' birthday November 3rd or 4 something around there

I had to go to New York for a benefit I didn't do Blow that weekend came back and I didn't really have a chance to do Blow She was dead They were going to have a church thing And as soon as I get to the church Who do I see

But this dude who's tortured Maryland For the last two years Oh shit He's there front and center Then this other comic That's well known made a statement that he knew Maryland's family

and had money for the funeral so he was going to pay for the funeral well the beauty of it was that the guy demanded if he paid for the funeral he wanted a certain person not to be there this person that he demanded

not to be there had been good to Maryland this guy, this celebrity because of his ego this was all going and doing on only in the Hollywood wake I would see this when I grew up this would be a ground

for fucking a beat-up, a throwdown. This is all going on at the church already. This all went down at the church. I left. I had to go to some exercise class or something, and I'll say whatever the fuck that is, up the hill there, Los Police. And that night they were doing a benefit at the comedy store. It was getting sponsored by a restaurant.

I hadn't done coke in a few days, bro. So I was on that journey, already. You know what I'm saying? I was ready to kill a motherfucker already. Yeah. And I'm not sure if I stopped. Topton got Coke, or that was my plan to cut the shit. I was a junkie.

And against my will, a dear friend called me at the time and said, listen, how would it look if you didn't go? Go down there. It's going to be fucked up. I can't go down there. And I just had a feeling. I know me. You know, it hasn't hit me yet, the Ralphie thing.

I didn't want it to hit me down there. Yeah, yeah. With Maryland, it didn't hit me until I got there. They had the picture of her. I thought about the main room. I'm sitting there. I walk in with my suit and I look over and that dude that was playing games

is eating the food. Oh shit. The free food that they give him. This guy is a fucking producer. He's made a ton of money off all the Latino coming. Fucking smoke was coming out of my ears, man. Smoke. I had to turn away and go in the bar

and have a drink, which I never drank at that fucking ball. But between the no blow and this guy was, it came to a boil. And I'm sitting there, mine in my own business and one of the chicks says, listen, you've got go up there first and open up the show. So what does my Cuban-ass guerrilla

do up there? I go up there and after three minutes I start going off with the guy out of the main room. I tell them when I get off stage, I'm going to fuck them up and blah, blah, blah, and they got to escort me out of the store. It was very embarrassing. I knew what the whole rage was about. He deserved it. Don't get me

right. I'm not apologizing at all. And then the word got out that I was a fucking gorilla. Some people stopped talking to me. Some people stopped booking me for certain thing. In fact, I heard repercussions from it two years ago, and it broke

my fucking heart. I think like Lee said, I think you did a grown-up thing this time with Ralphie. I know me. We've had Lee, we've had some brilliant times in here around me. If you fucking think of this podcast and how much fun we've had it here.

I think that the spirit of Ralphie always live in this fucking podcast. This is crazy. It wasn't even around for his podcast. But when he was on it, it was his podcast. Do you disagree, Lysiah?

Am I kidding you? He would start from the minute he walked in that fucking door. From the minute I went down to get him at the car, he would give me a hug. But then he would tell me, like, you know, Lee, I was one of the first members

of the church what's happening now. And then we would just talk. He's the Reverend, whatever. He would go. He would go on. Yeah. For Lee, give me the pipe. Lee, look at this, Pingita.

And he would start going off. And then he would sit in the chair, you would hear the chair fucking breathing for his life. That poor chair, that poor chair, you would hear it. Every time he moved a little bit, you would hear, like the springs would be going, Jesus Christ. And then he would just come on here and start talking nonsense.

He hated rush, and they hate fucking rushing. He would just having fun, you know. He was just having fun. And you know what? We'd sit there and go, Jesus Christ, look at the podcast numbers, look at the podcast numbers, and Ralphie comes on.

It was like a different dimension. We couldn't believe it. He was like the first big guest that would come on and really light up the numbers. And I would listen to a little bit of the podcast, and I would see why. The podcast was really like...

Here's a great laugh. You can feel the love in the room. Yeah. And that's really weird. Like, I dig you. I really dig what you're doing, Aizuzuzza. You wouldn't be here.

I think you're on. the right fucking path. I have to say, it means the world to me, man. That's crazy shit to hear you utter those words, man. I'm 54 years old. I don't have much left. I'll tell you what I do have left.

Why you always say stuff like that? My eyes are not 20-20, but for what I need, my eyes are good. Because I'm always watching. I'm watching who's down there begging. I'm watching who's down there working. And I'm also hearing about who's putting things

together. And the putting things together, I have to respect because that's what I had to do. I didn't go to Montreal. Nobody fucking wanted to sign me as a manager. It was a nightmare. My first agency was the coloring book.

Their paperwork was pink and orange. You had to put all your head shots on colored paper. It was fucking amazing. And every month you had to change the paper so you'd end up at Mr. Ying's printing over there on sunset across the guitar set. It's out of business now.

Mr. Chow's printing. Mr. Ging, Uncle Chow, listen, you know I'm bad for fucking names. No names. It's out of fucking business now, but I didn't have that type of help. So everything you got, you had to work for like you did.

And that's the main thing. I know when I get a call and I know who's bullshit. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? After a while, you learned the tweak and the voice. Yeah.

In 2007 was when I made my decision. I told a couple people to stop calling me. It was a painful decision. They stopped being my friends, but guess what else happened? They never came around again. They didn't do nothing as comics, just like I thought. They were out for the quick fix. They were out to latch on to somebody, to take them on the road,

so they could tell their friends, pick up chicks, smoke pot. And then one day they'd do something in the hotel room. The relationship will be over, and you'd never hear from that dude again. in circles. He'd be off welding at a fucking school or something like that. I'm not saying

nothing bad about welders. I love you, motherfuckers. I'm just saying that he disappeared to Indiana, the weld. But I think you have a future here.

I see you at the store. I see how you handle yourself on stage. Thanks, man. You have a good time on stage, which is very, at the store,

young comics like myself were always kind of nervous in the spine. Yeah. I could tell that smile on your face that you're very relaxed up there.

That's what I do. I go down there. The best thing about the store is not performing. Yeah. And that's what people don't know. That's the hard part. The best part of the store is smoking the joint and sitting in the back. Going down there at 8.45. And even though your spots are 1145, just sitting in the back in the chair, don't talk to nobody.

You don't want to talk to nobody. You want to sit in the back and see how he hypnotizes the audience and see if he gets you. Yeah. You play that game by yourself. when you see those bill burrs that's when you have to go in there Tom Poppers yeah

and you know it's fun on a fucking clinic it's funny to me because a lot of people expect to go see a comedian and he's not a machine gun comic and they go well he's not as funny as expected no you didn't read listen to his setups you didn't listen to his punch lines

correctly you know you were listening for something else that dude's a brilliant fucking comic you came here to see some fucking yinian machine that's up to jumping up and down doing bad jokes. But the star of the night was a Tom Papa, those guys who were surgeons. They're fucking surgeons.

They dissect the room in a different way than Bill Burr or Joe Rogan or Sebastian Manascar. Neil Brennan will surgerize a room. Are they going to get out of their feet and fall out of their chair? No. But he's going to mentally war fade you. Well, you're going to laugh because your brain's going to rattle.

And that's what's so great about comedy. so subjective. I mean, so it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

it's like, the beauty of the store is you see all these styles. I mean, I remember when I first got to the store, I mean, he was my,

I was his roommate. I lived on one of his bunk beds, but I'll never forget watching Doug Stanhope in the original room the best. On a Saturday night at the original room

would be sold down and banged. I'll say it would be like Argus Hamilton. Yeah. And then it would be like a lesbian comic. I never forget this certain night

when it was a short little lesbian comic. And she went up there at 8.30, you know, cookies. I'm a lesbian comic. Coming to the stage, Doug Stey and him, he walked up there, he's like, this chick is a fucking lesbian. Like, I'm a fucking faggot.

He goes, you know what a real lesbian is? A real lesbian is in a little league cage right now, coaching a bunch of little girls with a fucking cock ring or sire. He just went off. Wow. That original room went into shock. 8.30 show, 815 show on a Saturday.

A little early for it. I'll never forget sitting in the doorway and watching Doug Stanhope break that, or everybody's back just went, at the same time. He just started talking about this lesbian. She was in the back of home. Jesus Christ, what thought I do?

Doug Stanhope's machine gunner up there talking about coming on your tits. And he saw his mother's pussy and looked like a spider, so he stepped on. and, you know, he just went off and you're in the back as a comic, fucking howling, you know, just amazed at the talent.

I'll never forget, like, I saw a talent in New York, but in fucked up rooms. I'll never forget until the first time I saw it telling the original room. They gave him a guest spot at like 915. And maybe, maybe there was 45 people. That's when the whole back was empty and the sides.

Just the middle would be scattered. And I'll never forget him going on a Thursday night talking about his cocaine went down to plane on a Vianca plane that was Pablo. I mean, he was fucking riffing up there. He still had the sparkler as the gay cousin to the firecracker and all those things. You know, who likes firecrackers, raise your hooks.

He destroyed that original room. That shit would make my dick hard. when I was up there in the beginning. Then Paul Moody. To watch him come in. And then you had to follow that. So you would be sitting back there and panic. What am I going to do?

Oh my God, you go through 20 anxiety attacks. You couldn't leave the room. Because he might get off and he would not bring you up. He would say, good night, niggas. And he would just put the mic in the thing and walk off. Then the piano player would have to run over there and put a piano. Coming to the stage, Joey Diaz. And as you were walking up,

Half the room is emptying out. It went from 46 people to 18, right before your eyes. You know what that does to your egoly? That's like me kicking you in the stomach after the show. I can't even imagine. See, the chair broke from Ralphie Mae. Yeah. We put the cursor Ralphie on.

Here's a little click. And the chair went down. Look, by ya. Knock on the fucking table three times. Listen, this Saturday, I'm going to be at the month. the fucking ice house 730 working out with Uncle Joey and then next week

November 2nd or something like that I'm at the Omaha Funny Bone then November 10th I'm at fucking Gotham Comedy Club. How's that for you for the New York Comedy Festival? Suck my dick and call me Shorty Uncle Joey was born in 1940. I want to thank

my man Hazus Trejo, a star on the rise. Where can they find you, my brother? Jesushtrayo.com Twitter at Jesus Trejo and on Instagram at Jesus Trejo in the number one. Love you, brother.

Love you, man. Again, this is, bro, fucking wild. Don't forget to watch my brother tomorrow. Give him some digits. Tape it at least. Tape it. Dvier. Watch it later.

And then fucking get rid of it. If you don't want to watch him, give me some love. He's fucking young guy. This guy's going to have his own church in fucking seven years. This is the guys you got to watch out for. Me, I'm an old goat.

No, stop it. I love you, motherfuckeruckers. Lee Syiat, my favorite fucking Christ killer in all the world. I love you too, my brother. I'll see you guys Wednesday night, 8 o'clock. We've got a great podcast as usual. Stay black. Don't forget

Saturday, Ice House, following Thursday, motherfucking Omaha. Funny bone, bitches. Love you. Stay black. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.