The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #528 - Jay Larson

Episode Date: October 26, 2017

Jay Larson, Comedian and co host of "The CrabFeast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/25/2017.

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it's fucking Cuban people, all right? Kick that fucking mule. Always talking about Jesus and Christ. You got to shut up. little light of the devil from time time. You know what I'm saying? I don't want the studio to burn down. We get this for the stones.

Kick that mulely. It's the church of what's happened now, motherfucker. Kidding me or what? Wednesday. October 25th. The church of what's happening now? The Christ Killer. Jay Lawson.

Please to meet you. And your uncle fucking Joey Diaz, motherfucker. Lighten this room up for you, cock suckers. Oh, shit. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here direct in your car. Whatever the fuck you're doing. You're sitting on a subway.

You're sitting on a bus. You're mowing lawns. You're doing time. I don't give a fuck. Welcome to the podcast. My little brother, Jay Larson's here today. Joey. What's up, sexy motherfucker?

First of all, I wish I was mowing lawns right now. Shit, me too. Old school. Mowing lawn. Remember a newspaper rap? Yeah. Yeah, of course I did. Whatever happened to the newspaper round?

No, I mean, there are some people out there somewhere maybe that I got them, but otherwise, everyone's just pulling it up on their iPad or on their phone. You fucking believe it. Even when I was going to school, they had an old man doing it in a, like a truck. And that's embarrassment. That's embarrassing. That's a job for young kids. An old man drops the bundle off on the corner.

And the young kid gets down there before they steal his papers. Because in my neighborhood, you better get up before I woke up. I'm sure. Because I'd steal those papers, take them up to count. Boulevard and sell them by Sears for 10 cents even though they were a quarter we would jack your shit up we're saying we would jack your shit up

that neighborhood so I finally got a job like I was thinking about that I took my daughter you know when you sit there at those events like there as boring as watching fucking cement drive what the kids events like the kid's shit sometimes you sit there you're like what the fuck I'm going to do in my life

I'm sitting here for 45 minutes I could I could be getting a hand job from some Chinese woman $40 or something like that and I'm fucking, I go, what the fuck have happened to the newspaper around? Dude, I did, I did. How long did you deliver a newspaper for? I mean, I picked it up on sixth grade when my brother and sister had it. You know what they did in Massachusetts?

If you had the newspaper route, you did it for a certain amount of years. They'd give you a $5,000 scholarship to college. My sister got it. So my mother was like, everyone's doing the damn paper route. So then my brother had it and then I got it. But I remember when I was in sixth grade, the two of them were in the Thanksgiving. Day parade or the Thanksgiving Day show and parade. So I had to deliver

for them. I didn't normally deliver for him, but I knew the route because I'd help collect. So I go, and it's all the circulars on Thanksgiving, you know, for Christmas coming up. So paper's thicker. Thick. Well, they delivered the papers in a bundle, and then they had the circulars in another bundle. And you had to put them in there. That's right. So I go out there, and

I snip the, I snip the thing for the circulars, and I realize I need to grab something in the house. I go in the house, I come back out. Yeah, you guessed it, bro. had just blown the circulars over my whole fucking neighborhood. They were gone. Every circular.

Like, you should see my lawn, my neighbor's lawn, and I'm sixth grade, I'm trying to collect them, I lose it. I just start, like, crying. I'm like, what am I going to do? I got to finish. I'm never going to collect all these. And my grandfather, he was a baker, and the town over at the bakery, he was done baking, he pulls in the driveway,

and his Lincoln Continental gets out, and he just starts laughing his ass off at me. Thinks it's hysterical. And I was like, stop laughing at me. And then I went in the house and he came and got me. He said, come on, let's go. And he drove me that morning on the route. It was the best.

Ever. That's the best, man. That's how what grandfathers do. Pick you up and they drive you on the route and the Lincoln. Fucking delivering papers. I had a newspaper around for about a year. That's all I could take. Before you started swiping other people.

No, it was really, like I really wanted a route. Like, I didn't want to work from my mom no more. We got into an argument one day in the fifth grade. Fuck you. Fifth grade. I'm never coming back here to load ice in your freezer. Get the fuck out. You miserable, fuck you and great.

Get the fuck out of my bar. Don't come back. And I was like, fuck you. I got to get a job somewhere else. So my buddy delivered paper. I'm going to ask him. I go, no, what I'm going to do? They got a job.

You can take my fucking route. You know why he gave it up? Because the winter was coming. Yeah. I didn't fucking see it coming. Oh, my God. So I would get home from school at three. Cut the fuck.

I delivered the afternoon paper. Oh, my God. That's right. That's when they were dropping that afternoon. Things had changed, man. I leave at my house at 3.15, and I get home just for dinner at 6. Do you remember how many papers were on that route? 40.

Yeah. And it was uphill. So I had to go uphill all the way. North Bergen has this wheelie. See if you see it, North Bergen, that man's curve. They call it something. It's horrible. Yeah.

Carmine Balzano's father lived on that hill. And whenever we go to visit him there, you would, just shit your pants. Yeah. It took me, as a young kid, it took me two weeks to get in shape to walk that hill. Yeah.

But once I was walking, the people were like, God damn. My, I come from the second hillyest town in the country behind San Francisco. I'm the only asshole

decides to get a newspaper around. Yeah. And I swear to God, it was a slow, you know, it was one of those slow it taken out. Well, did you have to walk?

Because, like, you can't ride a bike in the one of the time you got your papers you had snow on them you're to clean them off bring them into your garage close the garage dust them off totally that's right break the fucking thing and then you put them in something i forget what the fuck I put

them in but this wasn't even the route in my neighborhood j lawson i was a complete asshole i like what are you doing a route in someone else's neighborhood yeah i took the route i took somebody's else somebody else's territory like the asshole that i am yeah i just couldn't settle for my own neighborhood

i went i lived on 38th street And I went for a route that started on 43rd Street. Forty third street, you got to be a moron to want to walk that ill. But I was so determined to get that fucking job, I took the fucking ill. And then when I got that, I go, what am I signed up for? Yeah. And brother, I took it like November, December, January, that first year. And I had no idea.

So now you deliver papers every day, and on Thursday you collect. Yeah. And then whatever you don't collect on Thursday, you got to collect on Friday. Do you remember how, and if you think back how weird collecting money was, You had to literally go up to adult's houses and be like, hey, you got that money, you owe me? You know what I mean? To an adult? And sometimes they're like, I don't have it.

Or they don't leave it out. You're going to leave an envelope. And you're like, hey, man, like, I shouldn't be coming back to you. Like, you're an adult, dude. I'm in sixth grade. Where's the money, then? Thought about what that experience taught you. Of course.

At a young age. You know. How to approach people, go up to the door, knock and feel comfortable. Get bit by a dog and not be able to sue a motherfucker. Because in those days, there was no. beware the dog signs. No. You either got bit by the dog and you went home and you got a tetanish shot or whatever the

fuck they gave you. I mean, it was fucked up. And that's what I'm saying. How they took that away from today's America. I don't understand how important that was for kids. Like, I could sit here and tell you now that it didn't mean nothing at the time to me, but now sitting here with you. Yeah.

How important it is for a child to knock on somebody's door and take an afternoon, Mr. Marinelli. I'm here to collect for two weeks. How much is a week? For 75 cents a week, Mr. Marinelli. Okay, here's $2. Yeah. And as they close the door, you're like, you cheap fuck, 50 fucking cents.

I hope your mother dies. And you put your $2 in your pocket and you walk away. Then you had, like, people's houses who would give you like a $2 tip. Yeah. And they give you candy and a book and a hat. And you're like, okay, now I'll sweep for them or pull the garbage out for them.

You had old ladies. We tell you, listen, on the way up, get me a pack of cigarettes. You got that after six months. You started wheeling. dealing. So I could wheel and deal after six months. But I had already that, I already had that flavor. You know what? Yeah, clearly. Guess why I got the flavor from? From what? I'm a Catholic dog. Bingo, bitch. If you don't know how to work a bingo hall, you ain't shit in my eyes, okay?

Where the fuck were you working a bingo? I'm in New Jersey, Sacred Heart School for boys. Sundays. If you had an A, you fucking could work the bingo hall. If I looked at the- And what were you doing, like bringing people's sodas and shit? Ladies. That's how you learn how to fucking work old ladies, grandmas. That nobody talks to no more. They go to bingoes and town grandmas. And you go up to them and they

bring me a coffee, my sweet child, and they touch your head. You remind me of my nephew Juniper, you know. He's a fag, but you're the legit. You know, it was fucking crazy. And they would let us work from 6 to 10 on Sunday nights. So we got back to the dorm. And all the other

kids were like, how much did you make? And we're like 42 fucking dollars a piece. We were milking them. But then we figured out how to steal. Wait, were you in boarding school? Yeah, I was in Catholic boarding school. Oh, man. But then I figured, we all figured out how to steal.

So everybody was in on it. Yeah. A bag of chips was a quarter. 15, we'd steal the thing and we'd chop up a dime, a dime, and a nickel. Those nickels added up, and there's 400 women in the room. Yeah. I hear that, man. Apples, tea, coffee, milk, sandwiches,

cigarettes. You went to the store for cigarettes from. That's where your guise was. Yeah, no kidding. That's where they can make them. Oh, that's what grade? Third, fourth, and fifth. Holy shit.

Yeah. Is that where you started complimenting women? I can just imagine you complimenting these old ones. No, no. You know, I already had the flavor, though. By the time I got the, you know, to Catholic school, I know how to trick a woman. You know what it does, though?

It gives you, like, a normalcy of interacting with adults. Yes, it does. You know, instead of, like, looking adults like, oh, I can't like speak or talk or communicate like you had to. You're like, you're there. You have to like, you know, interact. No one interacts anymore.

No one talks anymore. They don't want to fucking talk. Everyone sits on a phone or a computer. I would like to start something where kids, like in my neighborhood where kids would have to sell something and the parents should all get together to buy it and support this. And at the end,

we could chip in for like a Disneyland trip for the kids in the neighborhood and call it something. Yeah. Because I think the kids are lacking. That's a, I fucking, you know, my daughter's four and a half. I understand she's four and a half. But it's like there's things I talk to about.

They just go right over our fucking head. Like what? But. I'd love to be a fly on the wall in those conversations. You know, man, my dad died when I was three and I got really tight with my mom. And my mom's world became my world. And she didn't believe in babysitters, so she would take me to the bar with her. Yeah.

So I kind of had a grasp. I didn't know work or anything like that. Just like, today I was leaving, Mercy, because you're going to work. I go, yeah. She goes, huh? She doesn't know the concept of death of the four and a half. She doesn't have any idea what the fuck we do. Well, I tell my son, he goes.

Oh, money. Yeah. Oh, well, no, kid. She takes the quarters off my desk and puts them in the jar. You know, it's got like $100,000 in quarters and dimes and sheds and dimes and shit. somewhere. But it's just, I don't know. I thought I was...

Dude, I started doing this. This is 12-year-old in my neighborhood. And it's my buddy's kid. And they're like, he doesn't have a job. He doesn't have a job. His sister's 17 doesn't have a job. They don't have jobs anymore. Kids don't get jobs.

And they told me that he wanted to get a skateboard. And they're like, you know, so I went over the house with my kids. And he's like playing with him and hanging out. And he's way older. And I go, look how great he is. Just hanging out with the kids. And she goes, well, I told him I give him a couple bucks. if he hung out with the kids.

And I go, why is he trying to get some scratch? And she's like, yeah, I go, why doesn't he come over to my house seven to eight when I put the, you know, I have a two-year-old. When I put her down, he can hang out with my son, skateboard, and they can like play and stuff like that. And I'll pay him $10. And she's like, oh, that's great. First day, 15 minutes late. And his dad drove him. He lives less than a 16th of a mile.

Second time, parents drove him every time. I did it four times with him. And the third time, I'm like, man, I come up. from putting the baby down. I'm like, oh, they're really quiet. I start doing dishes to get the dishes done. I go in the living room. And he's showing the kid fucking Snapchat.

I go, hey, dude, you're here for an hour. You can't figure out something other than Snapchat. I can put that away. Go outside and skateboard. Ten bucks an hour, dude. You try. They have no work ethic. They don't know.

They've never had to work. They don't know. They get the money. Remember, like, when we were kids, you wanted a buck. You had to go earn a buck. Lemonade stand selling papers or stealing in your case. Stealing papers, man.

We used to do... I did that shit 20 years ago. If I was walking and I busted into like if somebody and I put a quarter in, I always took five papers.

Give one to Lee sell one to the old lady next door. Tell somebody I bought this for you. Really? God bless you. Yeah. I know.

We are missing that human contact and children. And I didn't think... I knew about the newspaper route. The newspaper out thing bothered me. Yeah.

Because I believe... But again, You shovel driveways? Fuck yeah. And when it snowed, you pushed fucking people out and shoveled. That was an extra $100 in my neighbor. Just hang out with gloves, a rope, and a shovel, and a hat and a sandwich in your pocket with fucking ham warbers

and see what happens. See what goes down. For sure, man. That's how you do it in East Coast. Motherfucker, it snows a foot and a half. You're out there with a shovel. You're just walking. You're just a no bad.

Hey, help me. All right. Bye, ba, hold on, I got rock salt in my pocket You feel a lucky day You know what I'm saying? Pa Give me a 20 dog Boom, I'll give you 15

I gotta get gas, no problem You just picked up 15 bucks Yeah, easy That's listen That's the lifeline of kids But that's what in your neighborhood Everyone was parking on the street, yeah? Street and garage in Jersey

Street and garage But still, those fucking streets Even giving out terrace Where I grew up was this Yeah, Steve So, you know, you got a shovel, a fucking a foot and a half. My eighth grade year, we wouldn't have graduated until like June 30th because it was the worst snow year ever. I must have made a $100,000 shoveling fucking snow.

You didn't get him? If he sits still, I'll get him. He's annoying. Did I tell you, I got this little bathroom in the back. Lee, I took leave back there yesterday. Oh, my God. I got weed everywhere back there. So I noticed whenever I take his shit back there, because I open up the back door.

Yeah. It's beautiful right out to the yard. I got a little bathroom. We got weights. I got a jump probe back there. Hopefully no one's ever looking over your friends. I got fucking 20 pounds of wheat back there, man. Yeah.

So I know this today. I noticed a couple weeks ago that flies go in there and they don't die, but they're like Latin, what's that word? Latterasical. Lackadaisical, yeah. Yeah, like they're all fucking retarded. They live in the shower tubs. Like, I'll be taking a shit and all someone will be just walking.

The fucking thing. So today, I opened up weed and I smoked them I didn't put the cap back on it So when I came in there tonight I went to pick up the cap and a little fucking fly Flew out and he just fell Oh, he's all banged up

So I think they're eating my weed in there They get a little fucked up and they just Fucking caboods But I smoke a lot of weed in that room Sometimes I open the door At night I don't open it I don't want to open up the back door In case the boogey man's out there

So I don't open up the back door Wait is it just a freestanding building No no it's our house It's attached to the house but I have an office, and behind the office, attached to it, there's a bathroom with a shower. Tremendous. I love that.

I can live like junkie bananas back there. I just don't. I got some clothes back there if I take an emergency shower and shampoo. It's the strongest shower in the house. Oh, God. But it's so strong that it floods. Oh, really? Yeah.

It's quicker than the grain. 10 minutes, I got to get out of that. Yeah. I go to Vegas with that type of pressure. I eat a fucking two, three Xanax. I go in there for an hour, bang one out. shave. You just sit on the floor

and your fungus on your ass cheeks. When I go to the South Point, that's what I do. They got that shower with the three things blowing at you at once. They got water

coming at you from all directions. I just go in there put it all on hot. Go, smoke the vapor pen, Papa Xanax, and I crawl in there and I just sit on that little fucking thing

with my leg up, with my leg up like fucking Liberace without a faggot. You know what I'm saying? We had a kid grew up across the street from us who had a shot.

were like that in his house, Tony LeMay. And they came in and they were like, you know, like, they came to our town, like, from another town. We're like, who are these people that have this money? You know what I mean? They had money. And his dad used to, like, sell, he had, like, a liquor store that sell kegs. And they were selling kegs to underage kids and he got shut down. Like, he had a silver keg from Budweiser in the house.

Like, it's a gift for, like, selling the most. You know, you got that from YouTube. He got, like, one of those from Budweiser. And we were like, damn. And then they got shut down, son. Fucking kegs. Delivering those kegs. Cag parties, man.

You don't see that anymore. What was the last time you went to a keg party? Knowing you, who knows? Two days ago. No, 19. I don't drink beer. That's the fucking weirdest thing. One time I went to a party then,

I'd eat in a tap and that was pretty fucking good. Yeah. I didn't get on tap. I like I like in bottles too. But fucking I can't even untop is delisioso. It's always been my dream to have a, like a full, like a bar. I want that soda gun. Ever since I was a kid and my dad worked in nightclothes.

I want that soda gun. It'll be Diet Coke. Everyone is diet. That's all I'd want. But that's the dream. So you grew up in Boston? Yeah, just outside. Outside, 15 minutes north.

How far from Faco here? Where'd you grow up? Sudbury, dude. So we're probably 40 minutes. I grew up in Stoneham. Oh, okay. Jesus. Did you do comedy back then, my brother?

No. I started in L.A. I had no idea, man. I moved here in 2000 just to like write and act. And then in 2001, I started stand-up over at Dublin's. Matter of fact, you ready for this? I got my sag card in your movie. Really?

In fucking Longest Yard. Yeah, doing extra work. My boy, Adrian Kulp. You know, Adrian used to work over at Happy Madison. And he was like, hey, I can get you like extra work on this. If you do three days, you'll get your sag card. I'm like, all right, sag eligible. I didn't go full tilt in that.

You know what I mean? I was like, let's just wait until I need to pay that due. and started stand-up. Where'd you work? Where'd you work? At the football field, man. In Redondo Beach? Wherever that was.

Yeah, that giant place. Kept moving us. You guys were out there doing your thing. Was I there? Yeah, I think so. That was a long fucking time ago. I mean, that was like, what, 02 or 03? 0-4.

0-4. We started shooting that movie in July of 2004, and we wrapped in November. Oh. Wow. I rapped all the way to the end. They wanted to break my balls. So I shot the last night.

Oh, man. Be a Lobo. That's crazy. You were there for the rap. The producers, really, that fucking one guy, his attorney that doesn't, isn't partners, Adam no more. Uh-huh. He did not dig me. We went out of a few times.

Why? Who doesn't love Joey Diaz? You know, he was. was a fucking gambler and I was breaking his balls like one day he asked me about these picks like a dog if you picked that year and you're the kiss of death and he's like fuck you and then he lost

now he really got mad at me yeah and then we bagged it out one time but they sent me to the doctor and shit and then when I went back to the set they're like listen it's not about business but you got to stop snort and blow with all this shit like they just tormented me I was like you

motherfuckers. Listen it's none of our business but we're going to make it up Yeah, it was weird. And then it all started out great. They hired me for the extra time. They only hired me for four fucking weeks. Yeah. But you're one of the main dudes.

Yeah, and they go, but they were going to do something different. I was going to get hurt or something happened. Me and something, then they changed it. And once I did the fact I seen, when I was the thing that died of Coke, they were like, now give them the 17 weeks. So I was like, okay. So I was not my best behavior. You were not complaining with that.

No, I was on my best behavior in New Mexico. When I came home, I started slipping. New Mexico was done. I only went off the reservation one time, I think, those six weeks in New Mexico. But besides that, I was pretty good in New Mexico. Yeah. I just wanted to make a good impression. Hell yeah.

I didn't get high during the week. I was like, fuck it. I think it took me three weeks to finally snap on a Friday night. What do you mean? What did you do? I got a package. Sometimes you've got to get a package. Yeah, before you went to set?

No, I mean, at night. Oh, well, then what's it matter? I would never get higher to set. Yeah, then what's it matter? I'll smoke dope like a motherfucker and act like a motherfucker on the set. Cocaine's a different level. Yeah. I do a line of coke.

I ain't going out there. I ain't going out there. You know what I'm saying? Have you ever been too high to, like, do your scene, or have they ever had to, like, give you super strength eyedrops or something? That's what I always think when people talk about. actors being high. When we did the turkey eating scene in the longest shot

that was legitimately you know how actors are fake and oh my God, we shot this movie wink wink and the green was going around like those that day we shot that on the set. I can admit this to the fucking world now.

We probably had a pound, two pounds of wheat on the set that day because I had a pound on me myself. You know, I never made that kind of money on a movie. I mean, I can imagine. So when I was showing up to buy it, when I used to buy a 20, now I was just getting eight ounces.

Just give me eight fucking ounces. My wife, I was coming home. I had, like, in the bag. We lived in a one bedroom apartment in Hollywood, and there was no closet. And when you walked into that, there was a garbage bag at one time that had the half pounds in there. Oh, man.

And then some guy came to me, and I bought a half pound and I smoked it. The weed was so fucking dynamic. So I said, wait a second. You know me, I'm fucked up. Let me take a regular joint. I took that same weed and I took it to my friends over at 1440. I laid it on them.

And I left and came back and they had smoked half a joint. And you should have seen what their living room looked like. They used to order from Pinks. They must have spent $2,000 on Pinks that night. Just off that half a joint. I walked in and I was like, what the fuck happened? Guys, they're like, whatever was in there. Fucking, my girlfriend passed out.

I'm fucking high. We had an order from Pink to have meatball sandwiches, turkey sandwiches. He goes, we just got every sandwich. We're so fucking hungry. Oh, my God. So I was like, yeah, this weed is really fucking good. So I took it to somebody on the set the next day. I go, dog, listen, you know me.

A pound. I know you're a professional. And I know that I would never bother you because this certain individual were smoking bloods. And they were doing 25 of them. Yeah. All right. They were doing 25 of them.

Nelly. Nelly, you know, fucking Nellie smoked so much pot in this trailer. That when we move locations, they gave the, they gave his trailer, my mistake, the Buffalo Bill. The guy that played the quarterback on the team, Bill, whatever, he fucking went to executive producers and went nuts. That's not my trailer. It smells like marijuana there. My clothes went there for two minutes. I got to get them all dry clean now.

He just reeked. You know, Nellie had six gorillas with. Yeah. Six guys that were six four, two 80. And everybody had a blood day at all times. Yeah. When I met Nelly, the first week, I had no idea. I thought he was really a rapper.

He was so built. His eyes were always clear. Within a week, once we got to the... They told us, do not smoke in the prison of New Mexico. That lasted a day. Yeah. That was a day. Because he was just smoking all the time.

Me too. Yeah, well. I was right there by the guard post. And I would walk 50 yards in front of, I would stand in the middle of all the trailers. So they really didn't know who the fuck was smoking. Yeah. And I would smoke out there in the mornings and I would look up. And who would be walking at with Bert Raffles?

And it'd be cold in Mexico in the mornings. It would be fucking freezing. Like the floor would be hard, maybe a little bit of frost. Yeah. And so they'd call us at 5 a.m. We wouldn't do dick till 10. I know. We wouldn't do dick till 10.

We would get there, tattoo us, fucking come to the room, give us shoes, take my blood pressure. Oh, they had me on the program. They were watching me like a hawk. Like you were a first round draft pick, man. Oh, my God. They were watching me like a fucking hawk. I'm sorry, guys, I can't breathe my fucking allergies.

And that spray don't work that I can't use the nasal spray. I had surgery to stop using the nasal spray. What do you mean? Yeah, because I got hooked on that nasal spray. for like six years. It's the worst disease you could ever get hooked on. Yeah. When you can't breathe, you know.

So I gotta go see you. I gotta make an appointment and maybe see you fucking Friday morning like it ain't 30. All right. So wait, what happened? What happened? Bert Reynolds, man. So Bert Reynolds would stand next to me. And it was, I would be smoking.

And it would be like me at that time, you know, the Adam Sandler guys were always getting high. So I would bump into that early. It would be me myself. I would stand there was an air conditioner in front of the trailers. And I would stand there because it was making noise. And if I heard something, I could always move away. And if it was somebody cool, they'd go,

is hey, you, motherfucker. It's six goddamn in the morning. Yeah, totally. Brett Reynolds will come up to me, stand next to me. Go, it's a beautiful morning, isn't it? You know, like something like that. And then I'd be smoking the joint. And I would even say,

nothing. Professionals don't say dick. I would just tilt the joint his direction. There was days he wouldn't even touch it. He had his gloves on. He would just tilt his head. And you would hold it there? That is amazing. That was it. That was it.

So when we did the turkey scene in L.A., by that time everybody knew what was going on. We were moving fucking pounds on there. We were fucking gambling. The wrestlers, listen, I was doing nothing compared to the wrestlers. And I've said this, a thousand times.

And I want to go on Steve Austin's podcast just to say it one time. The wrestlers, the first three weeks, were me in 1983. Yeah. Just doing it all? First off, it was an Indian fucking hotel. There was a guy there.

When you first checked in, there was an Indian guy that just played the flute there. Okay. You watch an Indian movie like the outlawed Josie Wales. Everywhere he goes, you hear like a little fucker in the back. They had the Indian playing the flute. at the hotel. The wrestlers got drunk one night,

picked the guy up, threw him out, no more Indian with a flu. Listen to me, Doug. Listen to me. The bar was fucking small. It was the bar at this hotel. How long were you out there for?

Eight weeks, six weeks, seven weeks, something like that. But the bar at this hotel, and I'm not even making this up, was where your hand is to the thing. Yeah.

It was built for two people, had a little TV, and at night they just pulled like a little gate. Yeah. And they put like a little padlock on it. Yeah. And they put the bottles and the thing?

Wrong answer. The wrestlers ripped the gate, climbed in there, took the booze out. They called the cops. Adam came. Everybody got taken care of. About a week later, two in the morning here. I open up, who is it?

They're like, it's me. Who? Me? And it's like the fucking line coach. You know, fucking the guy that was in charge of doing the diagrams for the football players. He also worked on. Donnero, Pacino's movie.

But he wasn't on camera. He was just the guy that was teaching everybody. But it was him, Harvey, you know, Steve, whatever I just said, it was him. Steve Austin. Steve Austin. You know, the guy from the Seahawks. Seahawks. Yeah.

The guy that, the Bosworth. Oh, that's right. It was like four white dudes. You know, like another wrestler, a big guy, the big guy. The guy that's six foot. The Indian dude? No, no, the white dude. No, no, the white dude.

That was also, he does a lot of movies now. He did the movie with Gabriel about the strippers. John Sina? No, I just flew with him. I heard. Bert told me, I did his father. When you came out and he sat on his pockets when I did it and you come out and you go, dog, you go, your dad said next to John Sina.

His dad didn't even know? No, his dad didn't even know. The guy that played video games in the whole fucking fight. So one night I hear this knock on my door, I open the door, and it's like, fucking, what's his name? He's like, hey, I need what's in your refrigerator. What are you talking about? Well, you accusing me of being fat? Like, what am I, a guy in a fucking full metal jacket, I stole a sandwich?

Yeah. He goes, no, let's take the bottles. So they took all my airplane bottles. You know when you check into a nice hotel? You open up the refrigerator, they got like 19 airplane bottles, mixes. They took everything. The next morning, I was like, what's going on? They were like, pay the man.

Somebody gave me like 60 bucks and that was it. And they left with everything with the fucking pineapple juice, the gin. Because they had flushed out their rooms? They locked the fucking bar. They were locked the bar at 12. And then now they fucking wrestler-proofed it because they couldn't get in the fucking thing. So now they were out of booze.

At this time, Santa Fe, New Mexico is not a nightlife type of town. No, yeah. It's not like no. I went to the strip club one night, and I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. It was that bad. Yeah. You know, there was one club in town at that time.

This is 2004. There was, you know how many comedy clubs there were? Zero. Oh, you know how many comedy? You know how many people knew about standard comedy? Oh, I know. Yeah. It's where pretty woman lives.

Oh, really? So you need dough to live there. They got a motherfucking Dunkin' Donuts there. That's my shit, son. I wouldn't even drink the coffee on the set. I would take my own car. Dunkin' Donuts. The donuts suck dick.

Wow, come on. Those are my... But those Brazilian bowl, that Brazilian bowl, that that... Listen, you're going to any Dunkin' Donuts. They got the regular coffee. Now, the regular coffee is for soldiers of death. Like, if you walk into Central Lemon, you're like, let me get a large coffee. shit.

That motherfucker got two cartons of Red Marlboro somewhere. Totally. And he's throwing down today. You know what I'm saying? The check just got there? You ever see those big 7-11 coffee? Of course, yeah.

You know how long they'll jack you up for a lay? Do you have any idea what a cup that big? And there's motherfuckers, and that's my witness right there. How many motherfuckers in Boston, you know, like a drink one with a cup of cream and a I don't know anyone who's getting 7-a-long coffee? No, no, no. No. Dunkin' Don't know.

Dunkin' Don't? In Boston, but you grew up. But how many motherfuckers could drink those largest? And not the fucking Makatatat Latino drinks. Yeah, yeah. I'm talking about, let me get a black regular. But make it the large. Even the people with Dunkin' Donuts go, you know,

the little Hindus are like, oh, no. Yeah. Because a lot of Hindus owe them now. They panic when you order the big coffee now. They have a new coffee, 7-Eleven. Awesome. Dunkin' Donuts. When 7-Eleven came out,

Brazilian bold and it leaked that ISIS was drinking that somebody had a topple that shit so Dunkin' Donuts came out with a dark bold coffee God I dare you And it's just what hardcore you just drink eight ounces Of an tent and get back to me

tomorrow at 2 in the afternoon when you're doing push-ups and backflips and you're wrestling with your kid The Brazilian Bold huh if the Brazilian Bold is 7-Eleven Dunkin' Donuts came out with the answer they were like we got some shit shit yeah they came out you want to fuck with me

you really want to fuck with that coffee it's the medium one so next time you go back to boston you see a dundon's pull over and go listen joey dia sent me don't give me the regular death yeah i want this shit that the nazis drank before they lit the tunnel on fire you know what lord wait a man so you're a dunkin donuts dude you know what man i uh

is that a coffee dude i'm not a coffee i mean but i mean the donuts you didn't like the don't i mean I grew up on one glazed, one chocolate glazed and a hot chocolate. That's the kid. That's the D&D. Oh, yeah. Dude, I just had that. Minus the hot chocolate.

When I was home, I got out of the airport, doing a college gig. My buddy's picking me up. I stopped at the D&D in the airport. I got a chocolate glazed and a regular glaze. That's all. That's the classic combo. Let's be honest here. I like the boss.

A glazed is the glazed. No. Really? Dunkin' Donuts is the best stuff? I love D&D's glazed. And my grandfather had a bakery growing up. He called it a honey dip donut. Yeah, honey.

Well, remember honeydew? The one thing, though... Honeydue, I do. I do. What? Crispy cream, when it's hot, I think that's the best one. To be fair. But it's a good donut. About Dungan Donuts, they went down.

Ever since I left, they started adding, like, sandwiches. Like, they're doing the same thing Starbucks is doing, and they have, like, lunch food. That militant egg? All they know. I can't believe you people eat that egg and think that's a real fucking egg. I grew up on the bacon egg and cheese. From where? Dunkin Donuts.

Oh, you're going to go to hell. Hey, man. That was my plate. But let me tell you something. Bacon, egg and cheese from Dunkin' Donuts with that cook, he's got to make sure he's a felon. If he's making it that bacon, egg and cheese, your fucking central nervous systems, fuck.

That's why you haven't kicked a bucket yet on all these edibles. Those egg and cheese yet is a young man from Dunkin' Donuts. Are it keeping me alive? But please, people, I don't eat those egg sandwiches. If you don't see the yolk, don't fuck with those people. Don't fuck with those people. Yeah. If I don't see the yolk, I don't eat your egg, dog.

I don't want to eat it. I know what a scrambled egg looks like. I'm Cuban. I grew up on scrambled eggs like a motherfucker. You understand me? With what? Ham or something? Rice.

Scramble eggs with rice, huh? Damn. That's some shit. That's 20 pounds. And if you go real deep with the Cubans, they come out with the white rice, a steak cut up, and they put two egg yolks on top of that.

And you slice through with your knife. And the yolk breaks. on the rice and the steak. You know what your dick looks like by 11 o'clock? It looks like a fucking sledgehammer of debt. You understand? Because you already beat it the death nine times. Two egg yolks and a steak for breakfast when you're fucking 13.

Good Lord. What do you think happens to you as a child? Your expectations are through the roof. I want a steak and egg every morning. That used to be my play, like when I was like 25, 26, steak and eggs because it's the cheapest steak you're going to get. You know what I mean? It's cost you seven bucks for steak and eggs at Cafe 50s on Lincoln.

And that's the way I used to roll. With some fucking white toast. White toast with butter. That's it. Hash browns. Throw the steak on top of the fucking toast. Like a little sandy. While it's,

no, no, no, while it's waiting down. When you prepare the thing and butter your fucking water, you butter, you toast. You put the steak on time it, let the grease from the steak zip into the thing. Then you take the steak, I'm cut it up. Then you get the egg yolk, put it on the bread, bite, take a piece of meat. Yeah, man. Now, you got to eat good in the mornings. I'll tell you, I'm a steak and breakfast guy from Mimi's.

Mm-hmm. The best steak and eggs from breakfast in this area. I would drive to his Mimi's in Glendale. It's off. I'll tell you how good it is. It's off the menu, Gene. It's off menu, yeah. I've been waiting for it all week because Duncan's coming back to town.

Well, there's one already on the west side. Where? A Gigi? A Mimi's? No. I thought you just said Duncan, Duncan, He's telling him. No, no, no, no.

What he said? I'm talking about Duncan. Trussell. Duncan Trussell's coming up this week. He's driving across the country, right? He's dropping a hippie off at a commie. We were howling on the phone today. But when I told him, I said, listen, what are you coming?

He goes, I should be there Monday. He says, so that's it. He's the one, him and my uncle turned me on to Mimis. Mimis is in Glendale in front of Toys R Us and Costco. What's the deal with it? It's a hidden fucking treasure. it's a hidden church you just can't go in there

and Saturday and Sunday because people go to church people go to Costco but I'll beat you there on a fucking Wednesday at 10 living like fucking Liberace the place is empty you go in there for starters

you say keep the bread bring the carrot cake they come out with a whole loaf of carrot cake sliced thin these little pieces and two little tubs of cream cheese or butter whatever you don't

no man cream cheese No, listen, I'm throwing eat at you, dog. Don't, don't, don't, don't, what do you think you come in me with cream cheese and carac? And I can't handle that? I'm saying to you, I'm saying to you, don't come crying to me when you gained 30 pounds the month of December.

Don't call me, go, Joy, I went there three times a week, and I don't know what's going on. The scales lying to me, this fucking fly. This pox sucker. You must have had some hummus. No, I didn't have no hummus. He got stuck in the fucking hand-doo. You know what I'm saying?

Let me tell you something. My play, because when I was a kid, my nana would always make datnut bread oh shit she would make datanut bread with cream cheese oh my god so now when i go to like coffee shops and i order like they'll have like banana bread i'll get i go can i get a banana bread and whatever coffee i'm getting i go and i'll go do you have cream cheese and they go yeah i go all right i'll take cream cheese and they'll go for what and i'm like for that banana bread and they're like oh i've never tried that i'm like you never had like that's the only one pumpkin bread zucchini bread whatever it is i'm a date nut bread was a shit

That's all I do with cream cheese. I don't put no cream cheese on banana bread. You lost me there. You lost me. Maybe you got to get back on board, babe. No, I like the, they don't even make Daytona. No one makes Daytonup bread. That's what I'm very hard of it.

Pepper's falling. When we were kids, Pepper's fine. Well, my Nana made it. Dude, it's like basically like a banana bread, but they use nuts and dates. You know, the dates make it sweet. Listen, I hit 70. I'm just going to go for it. 600, 700 pounds.

That's all. That's the way to do it. If you make it to 70. You just start pouring that fucking cream cheese on that. Cream cheese, dude. What do you like, though? Because there was the Temtee. You remember Temtee cream cheese?

I'm a Philadelphia. I like opening it from scratch. Listen, if I come to your house and it's old, like you already opened it, I'm going to send your kid to the store to get another container in the box. Yeah. I'm one of those dudes. I want to see it open. I want to see it open it from scratch.

It's fresh. I don't want no misunderstandings. What do you mean misunderstandings? My wife just bought. I don't know, I don't know you. I don't know what the fuck's going on these. I don't know how long it's been sitting in there. You know what, I is.

Let's go get a new tube. Where's the kid? Where's the kid with the fucking skateboard? Yeah, you need. Call them up. Come here. Go up to the store. Give me a little tube of fucking cream.

You like the box? Yeah. Yeah, the Philadelphia. Then you slice it. Yeah, but then that's why it goes bad. Listen to me. Oh, there's a fuck. You're throwing away.

You know what I'm saying? You find something. Yeah. I'm going to throw something else a cream cheese at you in a second. Yeah. My, this is something my nanny used to make. Grilled cream cheese sandwich. Oh, shit.

Grilled cream cheese. But do you put another cheese in there or just straight up? No, dude, just cream cheese, butter on the outside. Boom, boom. In the pan, it's insane. See, I can't even do crab rangoon. Oh, crab rangoon is my shit, son. I can't do it.

I don't like it. I like cream cheese on bagels and that's really it. What is wrong with you? But you go eat the lizard meat, those shitty tacos. What's the lizard meat? You know, anything he picks, you got to be. When I rather than Yelp, what do you think? What do you think Yelp is?

It's people who had a bad experience. Now they want you to have a bad experience. I know. So they say the place is great. All of the tacos, you know what I'm saying? Don't worry about the tail. It comes. Don't worry about the lizard meat.

He claimed. Real cream cheese. He claimed that when he moved here, someone told him that a taco place next door got busted for selling lizard. It's the only news story like that that's not in the paper. I'm a big Hollywood-wide type of dude. Okay, that's why I lost 100 pounds. I give it to the Y in Hollywood.

They provided the services. They got the pool, the jacuzzi, the steam bat. That's why I stopped snort and coke. That's why I sweat the Coke out of my system. Is it that WIBC? I give that YFSI. What does that have to do with Liz and me? Well, let me talk about this.

So when I moved to the Valley, I went to the Yard name. The chick there is kind of cute. She's a little on the chubby side. So you could tell she knows food. Plus her husband's in jail. He's doing life up in Sarasota, up in Sacramento, something like that. You know, we became friends. She's very sweet.

And I said to her, yeah, I'm going to transit to Hawaii in North Carolina. But she goes, really? And I go, yeah. And I go, you know what? You work out. And you go right around the corner. And before I even said, she goes, don't say, don't go to that taco place. She goes, they got busted about a year ago for selling fucking, you know, shoe leather and fucking

listen to meat the shit that taco I checked I googled everything there's no record of this you pay it that goes away she had the inside you know at the inside they pay it what are you talking about this type of stand has the inside

maybe there's no she had the inside maybe there's maybe there's something that if you don't get in trouble for three years it gets taken off your record or something so they can't hold it against you for new old and buy your right

that's the only thing I want the FDA so then when I came up pee I asked people and I get it'll go in there and if you go into that wall you feel like you're watching the shiny anyway. Unless you're a fucking moron. Right here at the corner.

When you leave, go to Magnolia across the Doho diner. They start pizza, the Yugoslavian guy trying to make pizza. They got a barber in there. Some guy cutting black hair, which is always a bad side next to a dentist. How are you going to cut black hair next to a

fucking dentist office? Then they got this taco stand. Listen to this deadly seven combination. You got in here. My friend's brother. It is great. gross, though. I didn't go back. The barber place. Show it's gross, but that's after you poison.

No, they put, I didn't go to, I didn't pick him there. I took him to the place that John Bud got sick. Oh, Jesus Christ. But that was a month later. That was like years later. So a couple months ago, he goes to a different place. And guess what? He took a picture in the Jitza school in the day. And he goes, where is everybody? And they found out they all went there to eat, which is down the block

from the New Jus School. And a bunch of people got sick. But those are the least favorite spots because he helps him. And then I figured out what Yelp is. They put the malucal on you. They want you to go and get sick and shit blood for two weeks. Oh, forget. I got food poisoning recently at my favorite sushi joint.

Did you? Yeah, delivered on a Sunday night. Don't make that. You can't do. Yeah, I know. I know. I learned it. I'll still go back.

You know what I mean? What's your favorite? What do you get from sushi? Where did you get sick on that? I mean, I have no idea. I don't know what did it. But what did you order? What did you order?

Al, of course, salmon, ahie, yellowtail roll. Um, sashimi, ahi, uh, what else in that? Oh, yeah, you went deep. You went deep. Of course, I always go deep. They gave you something out of the mud, and it's Sunday. You never order sushi on a morning. I, yeah, because they get the delivery of, uh, fish on Thursday.

Yeah. So now that's why Sunday is all you could eat there. Yeah, that's why I can't go anymore. That's why suckers like Ligo in there. And they start scratching. They have high pedestal levels. Yeah. And you don't know what the fuck of this because you ate sushi on Sunday.

The delivery comes on Tuesday, and the delivery comes on Tuesday. Thursday, sometimes Monday, they only buy from Japanese people. And that's why, they only buy from Japanese fish people. So by the time Sunday comes along, they're waiting for guys like Lee.

Oh, you can eat you. Do us a favor. It's like when you go to Vegas, doll, Sunday nine, for steak and ate eggs. You got a beer, and you look, we got them for fucking steak. Well, that steak was in the supermarket. Buy you in Boston.

And just before it went bad, they swiped it off the shelves. They dipped it in some fucking ointment, and they're sending out to Vegas for gavones like Lee. And people eat $1.00.79 steak. Why don't I get a lung to know this? And then you go back to your room and you wake up to the next morning. You got a little diarrhea. Your asshole hurts.

Your pelvis hurts. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? For two days. The elbows are, right? Your elbows early, man. Yeah, no, my elbows are fine now. Oh, that weed killed him.

Oh, my God. That was the weed that killed Kennedy. Yeah. That took him to the next level of him. his fucking life. Why do you store your weed with your toenail clippings? Because that's how you let weed meditate. It grows, you know what I'm saying? It's not just

toenail clippings, it's other weed, it's aluminum foil, I got a piece of nicotine gum in there. You know what I'm saying? You got to dope that shit up. I got to give it. Fix it up, right? Sure. No orange peel? That's what suckers. And we used to do that back in the day. No drink espresso.

Yeah. Where's your pizza place? I mean, you must be a pizza head. Where do you go for? a good Zah. I gave up. You gave up trying to find a good one? I gave up. You know what? I got to go home November 8th, right down the block in Gotham. Yeah. They got delicious pizza, 50 yards.

I get two slices both nights, and I get my fix for a year. Yeah. When I go to Georgia, I get another slice a year, six months later. You know, here I go to this place on the Laurel Canyon, but if you got to eat the slice there, God forbid. See, the thing in California, you can't bring the food home. That's what the debt. That's when the truth comes out. You suckers in California are eating. Now, let's take the half of them. No. No, it's kaputz.

When you get home, you said, this is fucking garbage. Eat that shit there. Don't ever get sushi delivered again, my son. No, I learned. God knows who's in that car driving. You know how dirty that fucking steering wheel is? Think of me and you. Think of me and you.

But they ain't cutting it up. They don't have to cut it up. Well, before they put it in, they open it up. They look at it. They rub your sushi. Get the fuck. They stick a finger of some other Japanese person's asshole. Then they rub it on your sushi.

They take a piece. But you know what they're doing. You can't trust the guy who's cooking it. Now you want to give that to a delivery guy. And number two, you never take sushi home to go. I was going to say, I've been- Always eat it there. Always eat.

There ain't no sushi at the house. I got to go breakfast in front of him two weeks ago, and I still get in trouble every day. Well, how retarded is he? Who goes out for breakfast to take a? it to go. That's a good point. I know it's, it's absurd. What if it's a breakfast sandwich? Then you take it to go on the move.

We live, but this guy, he don't leave the hospital two in the afternoon. You go out for a nice breakfast, the sun is out. Yeah. Enjoy the sun. Enjoy the vitamin D. Enjoy the breakfast.

Now, him and his girlfriend walk out of it, they just robbed the joint with their eggs. By the time you get home, the breadside... It was a five-minute drive, last. Listen, please. Let's mention you stopped at Starbucks for your favorite. We ordered it already on the phone? This is what I got to deal with.

You know what I mean? We like the breakfast, but we don't like the coffee. Sit down and drink the water. And nothing worse than cold pancakes, that's for sure. No, no. You want those ice hot, take your French toast? There's no such thing as breakfast to go, dog. Unless you're a communist or you're on a move.

You know what I'm saying? You're going to make a move. But you got to breakfast to relax. Yeah. To be civilized. You're going to eat eggs to take it back to your fucking apartment to sit there in the dark. to watch some fucking documentary on Netflix. It got nothing to do with you.

It's the Lord's Day. You could be out flipping somebody making dough doing a podcast, something. You know me, dog. I understand. I know. I love it. You can't fucking sit down on a Sunday with breakfast and fucking plastic containers. No.

You know what I'm saying? That's the reason why you went out. That's why you're an American. You want to eat breakfast in the cave? Go ahead. Go ahead. Go join ISIS. You can eat breakfast in the cave with a bunch of people with stinky feet. And then you have toenails in your fucking food, too.

How's that one, Lisa? You ever have a toenail on your food? I hope no. Have you? All the time, my own. What are you talking? It's a joke, Lee. I get it.

Jay Larson, you're an interesting fucking cat, man. You got the podcast with your buddy there from Baltimore and Johnny Baltimore. You do stand-up. Do you travel much? I try not to, man, because I want to be around the kids, you know? Oh, it's tough. But, like, I was gone this weekend for a college gig. then I'm going to be gone Friday night for all things.

Comedy Festival. You're excited about the festival? It should be cool. I mean, it's one night, man. I look at it. You got Hammond when you're on the road? I mean, I did in New York. I was just there.

Like, my buddy owns a bar, so I was out until 4 in the morning for a 6 a.m. pickup. But listen, I go to fucking, if I go to that festival this weekend, my whole intention is to fuck burke up. Yeah. Oh, before so, of October. Oh, yeah.

He's got till Tuesday. I would crack him. I'm talking about. speakers in his room. Call him every five minutes, we have your children. You know, the whole fucking deal. Send the priest down, the whole thing. What happens if someone falls? I don't know.

They're not going to, they're all supporting each other too much. No, they're good. He's good. But let me say you say, I take my hat off to Burke Kreisher. Yeah. And if anybody knows Berg Kreischer, you take the 30 days, it's tough for him. Yeah. It's tough for him. This is his lifestyle. I've discussed

this a thousand times. And it's somebody's lifestyle. You know, I can get on a flight, but I got to eat in edible too. Yeah. I blast off on those planes. Sometimes I get so high, I wish the plane don't even fucking land. Yeah. Just keep going to two hours.

I'm too high to fucking land. This is tremendous up here. I'm stretched out. I got to land and walk around. I didn't fucking go do shit. That used to be the best thing about flying is you could check out when there was no internet on a plane. You know what I mean? You just had no, there was no reason to be in contact with anyone or anything.

And now, like, now people still have. expectations for you to be connected. But I'm trying not to be out of town, man. I like to be home. I'm trying to write. You know what I mean? If I get a nice writing gig, I can be in town, get the office down the hill. I got some days planned in November. I'm going to build bunk beds from my son. Are you right for a lot of little shows in time and time? I've written for a couple, but I'm trying to get on one. Like, I need something. I need like a long term, settle in being a room. I'd like to learn a little more. Six years. Nah, fuck that. Fuck yeah. Get me in there for six months. Get me in there for six months.

Really? I wouldn't mind a six-month gig and then learn a little and then try and go back out and sell a show where then now I've had more room experience. You know what I mean? And you shot the special. Shot the special, man. When did you shoot it?

At the L-ray. No shit. You went all out. I went all out, dude. Six cameras, the L-ray. We had like 350 people at each show. Really? It was nice, man.

Yeah, thanks, man. You know, sometimes things happen for a reason, brother. I think all the time. Do you remember this was like, I don't know, maybe, fuck, I don't know, maybe eight months ago or so, we did one of Ari's live shows up in the belly room and you were hosting for Ari. You remember? I told the story about my dad passing and then going home through all the shit. Because they wanted me to do it on this is not happening. Okay.

And I was like, I don't know, man. I don't know if that's the kind of story that's going to fly, you know, with like that kind of crowd. And I was like, you were hosting. And I'm like, what's Joey going to think of this story? And you were fucking jam about it. like that fucking story, you know, and you open like, you're, oh, dude, you're the only guy I know that can open a show casually with like a crush story about like robin jewelry stores in high school and shit.

So, and I, so I did it. And then, like, they were saying they wanted me to do it on this is not happening. And then I was kind of like, hey, man, I kind of want to keep that story. It's like pretty personal and it's like a 12-minute story. So I closed my special on it on that story. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to put it on my name on my back. No one else has it.

And now everyone like, you know, it went up like last Friday. So everyone that's been buying the special has been hitting me up. And they're like, dude, like, you know, they like the special. But everyone is like that story at the end is like, because, you know, people really don't do that on a special. You know, it's always like light. And I'm like, you know what? I think this day and age would be nice to throw a little, you know, a little heat there at the end. Listen, man, it's 2017.

Everybody has the same formula. Yeah. When I first shot my special for C-So, Lee was there. first show, garbage. Yeah. I was depending too much on the comedy and the words. Well, I sat down

and they were combed my hair. I knew it already. Like I knew I had bombed. There was no mistake. The material was well rehearsed. It was cut down. There was something missing. Me. Yeah.

I was uttering words. Dude, that's so crazy. I was uttering words. Yeah. It's the weirdest thing when you are a stand-up comic, and you're uttering fucking words.

You're just going through the motion. You're thinking of the words so much because you think the words are what's going to get them. It has nothing to do with the words. And this is why when a guy goes, hey, look at Johnny Bamboozle. He's a great writer.

Well, that's great. Yeah. He's a great writer. That's great because it's not performing. Yeah. There's a difference. Huge difference. It's fucking weird.

And I could tell nights when I go up the stage and think about my words, and I could tell nights when I'm like, what am I, like, who am I, Johnny Carson? Yeah. I'm no fucking perfectionist. Yeah. I'm there to say it. Perfectionalist, he said, by the way. I'm there to say it whenever it comes up.

Yeah. Whatever comes up, you know, some nights, bro, you're taking them to a certain direction, and you have a joke from your first album you want to pump out. Fucking pump it out. And it fits. And it fits. Go. Sometimes you've got to bring this back.

Sometimes you've got to pull this out. So for the special, the second time, I said, listen, I'm not even going up there like a machine gun. I'm going to tell a story. Yeah. And as I was telling the story. You did in a comedy club, right? Yeah. Yeah, where'd you do?

Chicago. Yeah, Chicago. That's right. That club is great. I watched it. That small little stage is so intimate. And, you know, once I told the story, it's like, it's like. Settling in, man.

It's like me saying, come over to my house. Let's hit the bag. Yeah. And just start hitting the bag. But if I go, no, let's jump rope a little bit. Let's do some push-ups. Let me stretch your shoulders. You stretch mine.

Yeah. Let's air box a little bit. Do some sit-ups and jumping jacks. Now you're warmed up. You know what I'm saying? Like now my core was warmed up. By be saying that story. And dog, it's not like I was focused on that story a month or nothing.

I was sitting there going, what kind of story when I opened up? If I was in front of my family, right now if I saw my family after 20 years my mom's dead and my dad has been dead for 50 years and we were there for a couple hours talking whatever happened to this guy

we're all going to talk about what happened to Willie Randy called you a Willie Randi there was a do with the big dick you know we go on and we that's what I did I go how would I tell my family after 30 years what happened to Billy

Willie Van thing yeah these people want to know about Willie Vanney fucking love that and it was crazy because something talked me in to saying, telling them about Willie Vandy. Whatever it was, I have no idea, bro. Yeah.

But I slowed them down. And the next special, I'll shoot, I'm closing with a story. Why fuck around? Oh, yeah. Why wait there and try to fight it and go and try. If that last line really doesn't hit, if it doesn't go in the mic right, the fucking special shattered. So just tell them the fucking story. Relax.

Yeah, well, I close my special on, like, an eight-minute story. and then I backed it up with like a 10 minute story. So it was like two big chunks. But you know, it's funny. When I recorded it that night, I did the first one. And like, it was great. I had a great response, but I didn't feel comfortable at all. There you go.

And, you know, Nick Thune, he came up into the green room. And he's like, can I give you notes? I'm still like just came off. And I go, yeah, go. And he said this, this, this, this. And I was like, yeah, that's good. I like that. I like, slow down.

And he goes, one last thing. I go, yeah, he goes, take a giant shot before you. go on stage. And I did. I took a monster shot of scotch. And I just, like, I slowed everything down and just settled in and was like, stop being precious with the, anyway. That's so weird that everything you were just saying was everything that went through

my head after the first. And I don't even remember feeling like that. It's so weird how you go from an open micer to like a seasoned open micer and then they classify you into MC. I don't look at it that way. Yeah. I always look at it as time served. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. And it's the answer always comes to you in comedy when you need it. It's like life sometimes. When you really really need that answer, it pops up at the last minute. At the last fucking minute. Yeah. You're about to sign that fucking lease to move into the house. You and your wife loved that house.

And then the last minute on the drive day, you know what? So I made kosher. Yeah. And two weeks later, you got a report that the house got fucking termites coming out of the air. You want to last through a week on the third floor. Yeah. And you're like, see that? Something just didn't feel fucking right.

Yeah. You get to a certain age that you know on the drive. Yeah. You know on the drive. If it's painful, for you to take the money out of the bank, don't do it. You know what I'm saying? Of course. You do all those things.

And after a while, you know, when I was young, I was like to leave, I was like, on your body. If I made $400, I spent five. Yeah, no shit. You made six. You spent eight. Yeah. because you still had that note at the bar. Yeah.

You know, you tab it up. Wait, I got to eat in my pocket. Why would I pay for a drink? Let me tab it up. I'm not going to give this bartender a dime of this money. I'm going to spend this on cocaine and then cheeseburgers over at the Berkshire diner after we snort Coke till fall in front of the morning.

It's crazy. I wouldn't have $500 in my pocket and give the bartender a 30 or $50 tip at the end of the night, but I wouldn't pay for the tab. Then I come in there a week later broke, and he goes, What about this 200? You all from last Friday.

God damn it. Listen, Lee Rattle under the 75 till next Monday. It's the shit you do. Would I do that today? No way. Not in a million fucking years, right? I just give him the guy of yardstick and go,

me and Jay are going to pull up the ball. You tell me when that's done. Yeah. Here's a 20 for your time. With that 100 done come back. Yeah. He don't even want... He just wants ice cubes.

I love that, dude. He just wants ice cubes. So, yeah, now, you know, it's like what I said to you. We got children. Yeah. You know, I learned the hard way. My mother died, didn't leave a will,

and then no sort of security, you know nothing. You always got to think about your kids. Is this the move I made? Is this the AGs I spend for this fucking stupidity? Or tomorrow, when I'm bending over, shit comes out of my ass and I have a heart attack. Wouldn't I rather have the A.

No, shit. That's how you have to start thinking at a certain age. It's so fucking scary. Yeah. You know, 20 years ago, If I had $8,000, I'd spend $9. Yeah, especially when you want to leave some money behind because there was no, you know, there's not going to be any money behind for me, that's for sure.

You know, so it's like when I look at my kids, I'm like, not to mention, like, if they're going to go to college, what kind of dime we spend there? So it's like, you know, you want to look at it and be like, I want to set them up better than I got set up and hope that they think the same way if they have kids, you know? You know, and I didn't think like that in my 30s, and I didn't think like that in my 40s either. You know, we always talk on the show how you see these people that have five. You go on the IMDB and they got five motherfuckers on the payroll. Yeah.

You know, they got a show for a while. So you got five people on the payroll on IMDB. You got the lawyer, the agent, the booking agent, the publicist. The publicist. Yeah. And the manager. And everybody's getting 10 except the attorney. He's getting five off the top.

It's a fucking rape village. And all of a sudden you go to your grandpa's house for a few days. And he's looking through your thing he's a certified CPA, whatever. He's like, do you know what you're spending every month? Are you fucking stupid? Who's this? And you're like, who's it?

You never look at things. When you're older, you look at them a lot different. When you're 26 and you move to town and some show gives you 75 grand the week, times 13 episodes. Oh, wow. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, that'd be nice.

You spend every fuck. Look at this fucking kid. He's broke. Yeah. How can this guy be taking people to court over his money? The fucking dude, pirate in the Caribbean. Whatever is. How can he be broke?

Who giant death? Yeah, he's fighting people. He's suing this guy, mismanagement of money. They stole his money. Did you see his expenditures every month? No. What was it? How much on wine?

I didn't even hear about it. 200 Gs a month on wine? On wine? Deep into the murky waters. That's a collection right there. An island, you know, houses all over the fucking world, vineyards. he just he had a racetrack because they were talking about

I didn't know he was from Kentucky Johnny Depp yeah he's from outside Lexington oh my God he's got a horse ranch out there that man if I was making Johnny Depp money I would go 50 50 50 to me

and then that's to cover all my that's for everything and then 50 that just goes away like I never had it well the chick just sued him because he smacked her a few times he had to be a bottle or something like that and then she sued him

and you know tried to take Dunk Stan hook to go Stanhope? Yeah, because Stanhope stuck up for Johnny Depp. How much? How much, dog? He spent $3 million to shoot Hunter S. Thompson's ashes out of the cannon. That's what I told my wife.

My wife thought I was crazy. Show. Put that on the big screen for my man Jay Lost. Why would they need $3 million for them? And then he spent $2 million a month. On what? Holy shit. Now, let me tell you some.

Two million a month. His paychecks from pirates are ginormous. It's an amount that you and I will never see in a lifetime. I mean, I hope we do. I'm not putting the balook on you. But we dream a shit like that. We go to bed and I go and I wish I had Johnny Depp money. Just on one of those.

The third one, I mean, he did something. He cut a great deal on pirates, something fucking yank. He takes home blood and guts on that. Yeah. Blood guts. I mean, I'll be straight up with you. To make that kind of money, it comes a certain kind of responsibility that I just don't ever want. financial spending as $3 million to shoot off.

Jesus. Hashes out of a cannon a dozen years ago. And $2 million, he spends every month with a second. There's $30,000 a month on fine wines. 30 G's. Holy shit. Seating excessive multi-million dollar, multi-home and multi-employee lifestyle,

which step engages. 30,000 on fine wine. he has a sound engineer to feed him lines so he has like a piece in his ear yeah it's like fucking I don't want to memorize this thing anymore jeez he's the real team man

you make that type of money that don't give a fuck about it you know he's a great actor I mean you know you gotta have some substance to yourself in order to not need to spend all that money you know what I mean you need something greater than yourself because clearly he doesn't have I mean if you had that kind of money right

Yeah, what would you be doing with it? Do you have any idea what you would spend all that money on? How much would you be putting away? What would you be doing? Yeah, I know. I have a good idea. I got nephews and nieces. I would tighten them up with school.

Yeah. You know, I would tighten them at my niece with school. You got to transfer into like a big, to them fucking school, got her a car. You know, shit like that. How about my family? I buy a fucking, buy an apartment building. You know what I mean? Find something that sets.

No, I'd buy a rent. buy that Johnny Deppereich. You buy it off of him. Yeah, I'd buy the horses from him. The whole fucking thing. I'd get a little fucking action out there. I'd buy a namebird in Detroit. That's what my kids are going to live from in 30 years.

Yeah. Because in 30 years, it's going to be a hop-in' day, but. Yeah. Detroit, don't do something unless the Koreans get to it. I don't fucking know. Why wouldn't it work? Unless the Koreans shoot a fucking firecracker that. And so, let me do some shout-outs here.

Sorry about that. Is Detroit the way that the city that they're attacking? I don't know. Did I say that? I just, it's a joke. Relax. What's with the questions? Fire God has bet.

Top quality Tony. Sticktron. Stichron. I like that name. Cuck'sucker. That's how high I was. I don't remember right. Jimmy Penguins.

Arnold Ramstad. Joey Zaza tweets. Nicholas Ortega. And here he is, the Savage of the Week, Andrew Nondal, holding it down up there in Nyack, New York. I'm coming back, Cucksucker. Don't bring the kettlebells to Manhattan. I'll strangle you.

Don't forget Saturday at the Ice House. Sold out. You're fucked up. You had a date. You didn't get the tickets sooner. Next week, I'm at the fucking Funny Bone in... Where am I? Omaha, Nebraska, the home of Nate Ellenberger.

I spoke to him today to invite him. and his family. Also, the week after that, New York Comedy Festival, Gotham Comedy Club, the 10th and the 11th, your boy Dean Delray signed up. So it's going to be a banging fucking weekend. Get your tickets,

cucksuckers. Don't come to me later, Joey. Is there a code? They don't code. Unless you know fucking, unless you know flags. Remember we were kids, everybody had flags in the house, you know, SOS flags and shit. Why would we? I didn't have those. In case the Koreans were coming. You said,

somebody to the roof. Who's looking up in your roof? What signals did you know? I got this guy for the small 20. He lives up there with the pigeons. And he just sends signals to people. You're just sending signals to the Koreans? No, when you joined the Boy Scouts or something,

when I was a kid, he joined the Boy Scouts. There was something in grammar school. There was a course you took with two fucking, like, black flag. You stood there like a fucking Sweeney man. Like what? You're bringing in a plane? No, like SOS. Like if your building was burning or something like that.

I don't who fuck knows. How far did you go in Boy Scouts? Oh, I got thrown out as a weed blow. They killed out. I lasted three, four days. Weave those early on. I just, it just wasn't. I was hanging on the 148th Street with three Puerto Ricans and six dirty Irish dudes that we take over the fucking namebook.

Yeah. Now you want me to hang out with six dudes with shirts on, little animals on their shirts and shit. Yeah. trying to light a fire. What are you there? I didn't even dream of it. Like, did they sit there with the flint? Yeah.

The whole thing. Meanwhile, I got a lighter in my son. I've got this party stuck. No, no, it's against. What the fuck against what? You have to get the merit pad. What fucking man? I got them.

Where is he? He's over there, right? Listen, what do you want to do? Sit here for two hours and huff and puff and puff your lungs out? Or I can light this up. So we got a tick and everybody goes, oh, happy. Bam! It's not called cheating.

It's called American ingenuity. That's a good point. The fuck. We got time to fuck around, dog. No time for that shit. No, you're looking good, Jay Larson. I'm happy. You put the special up,

and you got a fucking outlet for it. And people listen, six bucks, you can't fucking lose, all right? Jay Larson's a fucking savage of sorts, a fucking animal. I appreciate that, he's got stories and shit.

He delivered newspapers. He's solid. Le Siamette, what's on your plans for this weekend? I can just imagine. I don't know. I'm not much anymore, so maybe I'll make another band. We'll see.

What did you win last night? The Dodgers went to that? I don't know. Do you want to check? No, no, no. Just hit that. Please check. We need to know that.

That's a fact. That's right. Motherfuckers. I mean, it was three, too, last we checked. Oh, no. Astros won seven to six. So we had the over. Oh, shit.

This turned into a banger. 11 in 18. In 11. I wonder if Kenley Jansson had anything to do with that, came in and gave something up. You know all about these teams and stuff? I mean, I love baseball. I love sports in general.

I can go, I can talk any sport. You go to Dodger games since you live here? I've been to like five, maybe. You're still a Red Sox fan? Yeah, Red Sox fan. You can't change, you can't change allegiances. No. I pull for the do-dos for sure, you know?

I said, nobody said that about switching allegiances. Just because you move out here, you're still a Boston. Some people do switch allegiances. Oh, Yeah, these people will move out of here. Where it was never winning, you see the Kardashians there with a hat on. Yeah. Right of the room.

The Knicks and the championship, they got New York Knicks up. They weren't Dodger Stam tonight. That's why they lost. See, I figured it out because you're here watching the game. You didn't watch the game. They didn't lose because of that reason. Because if Lee watches your game, it's going down. If Lee, let's pretend this weekend.

The fucking New England Patriots are a lot. You know and I know it. They're playing at a certain time. Sunday. everything's perfect. They always beat up at this team. If Lee watches it on Sunday, either they won't cover

or they'll lose out right. He's one and five. Two and two. He's two and two. What's their record? Oh, the Pats? Four and two.

Five and two. But they haven't covered three of those weeks. He's responsible for them. By putting the bet he's responsible for those single-handling. You're sitting next to mush. Gamblins.

I mean, do you bet? Nah, that ain't anymore. From time to time, I see something. I see an opening, bam, and tagging like a savage. I used to bet, man. Yeah, me too.

I used to bet as a kid too, but it's like, again, when you're stealing and selling Coke, if I'm stealing and selling Coke, yeah, I'll put a bet in for a yardstick. Yeah.

I'm walking on ice. It's not my money. When you wake up at 5 in the morning and you got to dig a trench and shit, it's tough losing that yardstick. Yeah, no shit. When you get 80 a day, and you lose $300 to the booking,

you dig every day, and you work hard for a living. it's tough thing of that motherfucker has money on the Thursday. Oh shit. Call me. I'll call you, cock sucker. I'll call your fucking Uber the hell, you fuck.

What's up, Lee? Look at them. Don't lose that money. Lee, put the video on about you getting fucked up. Leading out of space. Show my brother. Let me see that. So what a fan maid and sent it in?

Sure. They got thousands of them. Did he tweet it or no? No, I didn't tweet. I don't want to be exposure. He's just going to show it on the podcast. Sure. What the fuck's the difference?

It's your video. I'm always amazed when like even fans over at the crab piece when they send things in. You're just like, man, you know, like, when was I ever doing anything like that, like as engaged, you know? Like, that's one thing about technology nowadays. People can be so engaged, you know? Oh, that was a crazy night. This was the, uh, that was mushrooms and gulfeld the fish. We went deep this day.

Look at it. Jesus. Look at this now. I don't even. I was skinnier. Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah. That was a long time ago. Look at his face. He looks scared. Now, look at this guy. This is Rain and Basio. His father's the drummer from missing.

Priligal. Look at him. Oh, shit. Poor lay, look at him. What I saw was like, oh, we got to stop it. We either got to up the out dosage. I'm going to pull the back. Look at him. He's got the anxiety attack. He's like, what the fuck? Oh, I've been there. I'm hearing things. Look at all. He's looking around. He can't take it. Look, he's getting uncomfortable. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my God. It's killing me. Now, look at his kid's hand. Lee doesn't... Look at this poor kid. Look at Lee's face. Lee's like, stop waving your hand. You get me sick.

Oh, boy. Deep breaths. But he's smiling a little. Oh, yeah, he knows. He loves all this shit. Lee, let me tell you something. When I came here in night and I saw what he was putting back, I thought that's how he was going to end up.

up. So if you're putting all that back and you're just doing... Look at his shirt. He puked all his shirt and everything. Look at Dean. That was mushrooms? No. No. What do we eat that night? That was liquid when we did like the double dose. What we...

That was the night you did like... He thought like it hit my lip or something so he'll like come back and you did two extra drops. And I fucking pukewing six seconds after the podcast was over. Yeah, you were definitely taking one on the chin that night. Oh, my God. We got fucked. We got fucked up. I don't even know.

When I get home, I realize how fucked up I am. Then I lay down, I put the sleep out of your mask on, and then I start giggling. And that's fucking crazy. I got to take the mask off. Then I got to pee. Then I got to fucking do it again. Then I'll giggle again. And the shit I giggle about is stuff I haven't thought about.

in years. Of course, yeah. Like, it just comes out of anywhere like a fucker. It just pops out. You know what I thought about the entire ride here? Senior in high school, my baseball team, we got to the semifinals on the state championship. I didn't start on the team. And we were losing, so he put me into pinch hit in the last inning. Like, you're a senior.

This is it for you. And I had a 34-inch bat in my hand. And this kid pitching went on, played D-1. And he kept jamming me inside. And I followed three pitches off in a row. inside and I'm like if you just had a goddamn 33 in your hand bro if you'd had a 33 inch

you might have got around on that ball and it would have been a whole different story the whole ride here and I can't ever go back to that Joey I can't go back and get that AB again but that's all I thought about the whole ride I couldn't get out of my head and I don't know where it came from I think it was just because I threw on the World Series and I kept thinking about that damn pitch

I popped up to the catcher man thanks to bringing it up dude late night sometimes when the shirt comes into my head. I don't even want to know what fucking demons crawl in your brain. Oh, my God. And it's when I lay down

and I'm doubting my sleep. Like, I'm the type of guy I got to force myself to go in there. Yeah. You know, I watch Narcos. Okay, I'll watch an episode. Next thing you know, it's 2.15. Yeah, I know.

And I'm on episode 4 and I'm on fire. Yeah. I'm going, I got two more in me. I got two fucking more of me. I'm one of those guys. Or I get to reading on the road. Yeah. I get to read it.

I get it really high. I go back up to the hotel room. I start reading. It's 2.30. I'm still reading. That's not good. So I force myself to bed. Yeah, I got to do it.

By forcing myself to bed, it takes me an extra 20 minutes, but it calms me down. And I focus on breathing out of my nose. Then I always think of myself. Like the other than I thought about being in high school, and it was a cold fucking night. And me, Ferdy, and this dude stinky, driving on the tunnel and there was nobody out there. There was ice out there

and shit. And we pull up to a fucking cop in front of us. But the cop is doing like fucking 20 or something like that. What do you think Ferdy does? He pulls around the cop and the left hand side

and cuts them all. Fucking cop throws his light side. We're not smoking. We're drinking. In those days it really wasn't they didn't make a big deal they didn't really unless you were fucking lit up

but I'll never forget we were standing out of the car and we're freezing and the cop was right the ticket or he was talking to the other cop and he looked at this and went and he walked over to the cop and he goes

hey how long is this going to take dog it's kind of fucking cold out of here if you give me the ticket give me the ticket but why are you going to leave me outside the fucking car for and my heart just stopped

And the guy goes, hey, relax. If you're cold, go in the car, put it on. But it was the way he went up that I'd do. Yeah. Me and my buddy would just fucking howling. Because he would say stupid shit from time to time. Like, I thought he was going to tell the cop something. Excuse me, can I talk to you?

How long are you going to have us out here for? Officer, it's got a fucking cold out of here. Don't you think? The cop just looked at him. He let us go, but it was like a $2.00 fucking ticket those days. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he had him with like three fucking violations. What was he doing in the first place?

I have no idea. This poor kid Frudy lives on Facebook, and every morning he puts a picture up in Maryland, Monroe. I haven't talked to him legitimately since 1983. We connected to his brother, and then he said to hook up with him and stuff, but we exchanged words one time. Yeah.

Like good words, like I always think about you, and he goes, so do I. And then when I invited him to a comedy, show he didn't return the call. Yeah. And I understood. You know what I'm saying? And then when I go home, I ask about him and they tell me that people bump into him and he won't talk to him.

You know, these are people that he lifted with every day for five fucking years and smoked dope with it night. Interesting. So he just shut himself down. Well, he lost like $60,000 right after high school gambling. Oh, man. So he took it from there, you know, and he had to get three jobs to pay him back. In the meantime, he was hilarious.

When I went back, he used to pick me up. He used to get like an eight ball of Coke and cut it with like 10 ounces. Oh, man. Is that my nose making those little squeakies? I think it might be. Is it or is it the chair? I didn't know what the fuck. It must be dry out there.

I got to get more of that spray. That's it. I got to go to doctor. Yeah, that was good. I've been thinking about this recently. How do you feel about blowing your nose in public? I don't give a fuck. I don't even.

I got to breathe. You know, let's see. Listen, I'm not accusing you. The podcast is free, right? Number two, who else blows their nose in front of you from time to time? Nobody. That's why this is a fucking podcast, because it's live and in color. You smell farts.

You hear fucking nose blows. They don't get to smell the farts, Joey. No, they don't. But whatever. They still live it. When you hear the fart, you wait for it, right? If you're a fucking consumer, you're home, and you're listening to this podcast, and you hear a fart rip out from my little fat ass, in your mind,

By hearing that fart, it's going to make your nose open up. Like, you're going to want to smell it. Like, I wish I was that. Smell something, yeah. I want to smell something. That's what naturally fucking does to him. No one wants to smell your fur. Listen, what do you know?

There's people who pay people to send them underwearers and to send them socks after they ran down in the parking shit. There's people out there that would want to smell a good fucking whatever. I've thought about that. Yeah, you can sell your underwear online. Yeah, and your socks and shit. There's filthy people who buy that shit. Filty.

Are you going on the road any time soon, Jay Larson? Where am I going? Where are you going? I'm not. Actually, I'm going to, doing a college. I'm doing that come and take it festival in Houston in November. I did a good festival. Yeah.

Good people. Great people. Great bunch of kids that come and take. I did last year. Yeah, all right. A lot of fun, good people, nice hotel. Looking forward to it. You're in the best fucking food city in the country.

Ain't sound like a motherfucker. What's up, down? What? With some queso from fucking... Oh, God. We're going down there at Austin, me and fucking the Christ killing. We're going to go sink

that fucking teeth into Papa Does for breakfast and lunch. You know, when you're in Austin, man... Then our peeps are going to pick us up and take us to fucking Bobby Sharon and Crystal or pickly up and take him to a nice fucking chewies. All right.

I got a hookup, I mean, a great spot in Austin called Botticelli's, my buddy from Chicago. Italian place. joint. I can eat Italian here. They do a bottle of chili bread.

I'm just saying, I don't want to eat Italian food in in Austin. Yeah, you're going to Austin to eat the text bags,

dogs and some Papa does and shit. I can get Italian food down the corner. Yeah, you're crazy. Yeah, I take back that offer

anyway, you know, I love you. No, the same back. But tell me this Italian

hab beef, that's what I'm looking for from Chicago. Yeah. I don't want no fucking Italian food when I get a

fucking about Italian food's a diamond does it. I'm going to stop what I'm doing. We go down there, right time of them we, Papadoles, we go in there, we kill that motherfucker first. You kill Pop-a-Lose. A little shrimp and carb, a little shrimp and crab,

carb salad. We got a little, what's the thing that comes to-tails? With the chefs, cut their toenails in the gumbo. With the bread, with the butter. Tell them about the little thing. Stop it. I'm going right to chewy. That's the whole thing.

That's the whole fucking part. Now you get me getting case on that. caseo with the meat on the bottom you got a swirl margarita from Chewis if you go there on Wednesday see this time when we land we're going straight to Chewis for lunch and we're going to get whatever with the fucking

is on lunch special we don't even need the food just get queso like I didn't even eat my lunch when I came we got a full on queso we're going to fucking Chewis direct from the plane before the show that night that's how we're rolling that's balla out of respect and my man Danny Brown

called the idea he said that one rapper opened up a Chinese restaurant in fucking Austin. So we'll eat some Chinese food in Austin too. That's how we're rolling too. You're rolling deep. Listen, you ever want to come back and eat something?

You're a friend of the show. I appreciate it, Joey. Number one. Number two, where's the website? They go get to... J. Larsoncom. J. Larsoncomedy.com. Don't fuck around.

$6.00. Get yourself a nice special. Thanksgiving's coming. You're going to sit there. Your grandparents. You turn Jay Larson on. everybody's fucking happy, all right? And you support the cause. He's got three kids,

his grandma plays the piano. You know how that goes. Send him to a small six. He ain't going to fucking bother, all right? I appreciate you coming on. Thanks for having me, buddy. Give my best of fucking Baltimore Crabb. I will.

And have a great time down there. If you guys are not doing nothing, don't forget, he's down there at all things comedy. Stop by, say hello. Tom, you heard him on the church. You're doing a podcast. You're doing a crab priest down there? Yeah.

Go stop in. What's the door? I don't know. I think it's $28. I think it's less than that. Listen, support fucking comedy of Phoenix this weekend. You know, I love you motherfucking animals. Don't forget, if you're looking for the best supplements in the fucking market,

you know how I tell you, people. Listen, who else will give you a 30-day guarantee on a product? And you get to keep the product. That's the proof right there. That's the fucking proof. That's what Honit believes. That's what they do. That's what they do.

alpha brain as far as fucking new mood shroom tech sport shroom tech immune the hemp force protein asa y the hemp force protein cacao you got to be fucking kidding me if you're not living with this shit go to honor dot com right now and look at the great supplements they have from the from the jerky from the uh the whatever jerky they have nothing turkey i think it's turkey beef jerky whatever the fuck it is to the to the t i had the jerky to the mc t oil Take a look at all their fine products. Go to other.com right now and press in. Church.

Bam. C-H-U-R-C-H. And get 10% off your order to deliver it right to the house. All right. That's it. Don't forget next weekend, Funny Bone. Omaha, Nebraska. The week after that,

my man over at Gotham's Friday and Saturday night, two shows with my man, Dean Del Rizzi. All right, stay black. Have a great weekend. Thank you, J. Larson.com. Thank you, Lisa, a.k.a. Christ, number one, number two, number three.

Have a great weekend. Thanks, fellow.