The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #529 - Theo Von

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

Theo Von, Comedian and host of the "This Past Weekend" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get $30 off of your first meal and free shipping!   Meundies.com - Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and free shipping!       Recorded live on 10/29/2017.


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All for the Sabotage album. The second hour of my bought from Black Sabbath on the walk home on Bergen-Line Avenue. Kick this meal, Lee. We ain't got time to fuck around. Theo Vaughan is here tonight Are you fucking kidding me or what? That's the way to kick off a fucking Monday morning, bitches. Who the fuck is going to stop you?

Welcome to the church of what's happening now, my little brother, Theo Vaughn, and my fucking favorite Christ killer of all time. Lee Syed on the fucking drums. I hope you had a great fucking weekend. It's fourth down, two yards. You're ready to fucking score. No more fucking around the rest of the year. Theo Vaughn, I had to blow a fucking smoke cloud

out of respect out of you're so bright I appreciate that man You've grown Look at you You made the move You're fucking a new man You look good I'm gonna do

Materials on fire My dick is fresh bro You're killing these fucking people And you still got no broad On the side You don't want no broin You're on a fucking mission From Lucifer

Not like our friend over here He don't give a fuck He's got a girlfriend He wants to Sayette He's ready to go in the dungeon Oh he's too much from I owner to George Foreman grill

Oh no no he's all done He's all done He's got box He went to the Bug Festival this weekend. Oh, did you really? It never ends. It's not a festival. It's a fundraiser for a rescue.

But you get any autographs or what? They put his holiday, they put Halloween costume. I didn't put a Halloween costume on. Oh, man. You said I got to live with? Yeah. I try.

It's like being a straight gay guy, bro. He's my little brother. I got to accept him. What am I going to do? You know what I'm saying? Thank you. I appreciate it. He's a beautiful end.

One of my 70 favorite people right there, Lysayette. The top 70 people in People magazine? That's your favorite. Leisayette's a bad mother. My favorite 70 people, dead or alive, dude. I don't think I know 70 people. Yeah, you do. Every fucking body who dies, they always make 250 mask cards for you.

Did you know that? Did it really? Yeah, because everybody on the average knows 250 fucking people. That's why in business you have to be nice to everybody. Wow. Everybody knows 250 people. At least, not Twitter, not Facebook. You've been in contact with 250 people.

If you die by the age of 50, between classmates, high schoolmates, college mates, people at your job over 25, 30 fucking years. That's the average. A lot of people don't know that. You learn that when you buy telemarketing in the 70s. That book helped me in more ways than one. Telemarketing in the 70s.

If you want to sell, that's what you fucking sell. Yeah. You're selling generations. Let's say you sell fucking vacuums and you're serious about it. What you hope is that Lee becomes your Gumba and Lee's son buys your vacuums, Lee's daughter buys your vacuums,

Lee's wife, you know, is wife's sister. Fifth generation on the mcumes. That's what you do. That's what a good fucking salesman does. You know what's so weird. You're at the christening. You're doing everything. You know what back?

Dude, I'll tell you this. My sister used to be an exotic dancer, right? She used to be in the fucking... Where? Louisiana, kind of certain areas. That's a tough living. Yeah, it's a tough area, especially out there. And she actually learned a dance,

and I remember this is wild, but she learned a dance in a... like a trailer, right? Like a, it was like a, you know, exotic place, but it was a trailer. But the stage wasn't very high. And the stage was too high in the trailer. So this, the dancers had to crouch and strip at the end dance at the same time. So if you were over like five, four, you had to like duck and look sexy.

And that's hard to do, man. Think about that. I've never had to think about that because I'd be fine in that trailer. Oh, yeah. You'd be good, bro. Oh, you'd beat a fucking, you'd beat a fucking, you'd be to. dessert dancer, bro. They'd bring you out with the fucking with the cream brulee, man.

Shit. What if I get, Lee would take the stage like a fucking Thanksgiving treat. How many cream brulees do you think Lee would dance self? That motherfucker came out every hour on the hour. At least eight. At least eight an hour. I would tell eight every 15 minutes. But there's only so many people in the building, but it's a very small club.

Let me ask you this. Yeah, but if they're coming to this club to see me, they like dessert. How long does you say things I like dance for? She was probably out there for, I guess, about eight years. Were you mad at them? Eight years in the trailer? Oh, no. She just started there.

Then she went into buildings that were zoned correctly and everything, you know? She could stretch out, you know? Did you get mad at all those years? Were you upset with her? Let me think, man. We weren't really close growing up. I mean, always, actually, you know what? Older than you were younger than you?

Younger than me. Okay, yeah. So you were upset. I mean, I was, uh, well, the crazy part was, honestly, we look alike. so I would see dudes sometimes looking at me like weirdly like around when I was out at lunch and shit you know

and they were like do I know yeah yeah she got a fucking goat tea but uh but so I guess that if we wouldn't have looked alike it might have been so wild to me but you know what dude she didn't have you know she was missing some elements growing up

and you know I respect I respect any women if they're out there in those type of environment because that's a hard environment and that, you know, because otherwise, if you're not doing that, what are you doing then, you know?

If you're at that, if you're at that doorstep where you are, you know, where you're looking for an occupation, but if you're not doing that, you're probably up to some dark art. You know?

Sorry about that. What the fuck, bro? I hear musing. That's what you want to fuck? Yeah. That's Joey's ringtone? It's like Elvis for the holidays, bro.

You want some fucking Memphis email list, bro? I don't fucking know. What kind of, did you go to that strip club in the trailer? I mean, I'd been, I mean, I'd been over there before, but I didn't, you know, I wouldn't go there with my sister. Well, no, I would hope not, but I can't even imagine. Like, is it just like a, like a construction trailer that they just put a little stage in on a couple folding chairs? I mean, I don't think that they had, you know, a long, I don't know if they what their long-term business model was, you know? I mean, I'll say that, but they, you know, it was good.

It was a small town place, you know, and people were enjoying themselves. And, but yeah, I mean, I'll love my sister. She's the best, you know. I mean, I would. I mean, she's a fucking G, man. She's a fucking G. You know, she's real as they get. It's crazy because.

What were we talking about? What were we talking about? Squatting the trailer. But even got into this conversation. No, no, it's just weird that did she ever go to a big sin? and dance, or did she keep it like Shreep? I mean, I think she, you know, nothing real crazy, I don't think. I mean, we weren't that close

at a lot of that time. She married now? No. She's not married. Still single. Still single. Ready to mingle. Ready to mingle. Cool chick, though. Kids? No kids. Look, she kept it together, man. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Listen, you're 22, right? You're 22. You got nothing going on. I mean,

what are your fucking options? You're going to go work at a vet or a daycare for $8 a hour or whatever. As a young girl, I mean, you know, and I have a daughter. I would have feel if she came to me and said, look, I don't want to go to fucking college. But I got an answer. I'm going to go strip for five years, for four years. The four years that could have been in college, I'm going to go strip. But you're not that intelligent to grasp it at that time.

Right. And girls that go into that, go into that. And I'm not talking on the line here because they were missing something. Yeah. For the first time, somebody paid attention to them. Yeah. So. Oh, yeah.

She was abused. She had like this violent kind of black boyfriend she dated and that abused. And I think that's what got her into it. You know, it's just you don't give a fuck about yourself. But think about it. With what you know now. Yeah. The knowledge you have now.

If you were fucking an 18-year-old chick, your tits were hot, you got a nice little ass. All these guys are torturing you all the time. They're fucking broke. You know, I mean, as a woman, you go, you know what? I wasn't raised to do this. Yeah. But it's 2000 fucking 17. Yeah.

I'm going to go to subway and be surrounded by Stiffs or some, you know. Dude's jerking off over there anyway. They caught two dudes jerking off by our subway. At least, yeah. There was something about it. I think it was just, I don't know, could have been the air freshener or something. They used to, literally the subway fucking made you feel a wreck, bro. I think they had one of those lavender air things in the bathroom.

And I'm not making fun of subway employees. I always tell me that the fucking, my biggest fear is when you walk into subway. Like who I thought I was going to turn out to be, honest to God. And I didn't want this. You ever going to Subway and everybody's 22? But then there's one guy that's 50 with a pony town. That was you? And he's got an earring and he's still cool.

Like he's still fighting the fucking cool. It don't matter that he lives in an apartment with eight dudes. And when he got home the other night, they were listening to Aqualong. And it doesn't matter. What matters is that he went to see Guns and Roses, you know, two weeks ago. Right. This is what's going on. He's living his life.

Yeah, he's living his life. But he didn't really look at the other part of your life. He didn't look at it latter when life moves fucking fast. And you're still talking about some fucking band. Yeah. When everybody else's your rage. He's growing up. He's growing the fuck up.

You know, it's kind of a weird. I was always scared to be that guy. That's petrified me, Lee. Well, I mean, don't you think it would take, like, a very specific kind of person to be, like, be a stripper and not get affected by it? Because you're talking like, oh, it would be great. Too out of fucking. 10. Right.

The percentages. Two out of 10, if you make an educated guess. Yeah. I went to a strip club a year ago, nine months ago. I get bored. I'm like any other fucking guy.

Yeah. I'm home one night. It's 1015. Everybody's fucking sleeping. Yeah. Everybody's just sleeping in my house at 1015. Like, out.

Yeah, I can't even fucking pudge somebody. Yeah, and I tried to wake my wife up to give me the 10, the pin to iTunes so I could order the fucking phone. She told me to go fuck myself. You know what I'm saying?

And everybody's out in my fucking house At fucking 10-15 Yeah So I go let me go to yum yum donuts Then you're a fat fuck You just sit at a donut stand Waiting for the world thing By yourself

Yeah I said fuck it They got a lot of homo Transdressed I tell If you stay on Kofax and go up To like victory And make a left There's a strip club And I went in there

And I made an opposite thing You know you're just sitting there Looking at pussy and tits And it's phenomenal I'm not gonna say that you I didn't like it It was dirty Yeah

First off the strip club is always empty I mean, you can't believe how empty it is, like bone dry, like there's four fucking guys sitting there drinking water because it's new to you drink water. Like they're showing photos of people that were in there earlier in the day. That's how fucking empty is. You missed it. There's four people in here.

And, you know, you talk to different girls. There was one girl I talked to that her boyfriend comes to comedy shows. She comes with them all the time. Oh, wow. And there was another girl that her boyfriend was a fucking fan of the podcast. and you know, you have all these girls that are in there that talk to you. Yeah. And I looked at them and I'm like, look at that girl.

She's 18. There was one girl. I was 20. You know, I'd give her the whole bank account. Yeah. You know, you look at her and go, you give her the whole bank account. Like, listen, just come home with me. Go get your clothes.

I'm going to throw my Wi-Fi. Yeah, I'm sure. And for some dudes, they would do that. And they would do that. And then you have the girls that are 42, man. Yeah. They're out there banging it. they're eating grapefruit juice and jumping and fucking, you know,

and you got to give them a heart. Like, you sit there and go, I know what she's going through. Yeah. I don't want to pick the 20-year-old because she's going to feel bad, but if I pick the 20-year-old, you know, the 20-year-old will glob all over you and suck your sperm. She doesn't know that there's HIV out there and chlamydia of the mouth and shit. Yeah, she's still thinking she could, you know.

Well, the 40-year-old gives your hand wipes because she knows you're going to finger her and she doesn't want the leftover salt from the pretzel you had two hours early. She said, she's a fucking. it's just really weird, bro, when you deal with, when they become a professional. Yeah. Like, if you ever bumped into a professional stripper? Yeah. It's a different game.

It's a different game, brother. It's like staying at comedy for a certain period of time. It's like, there's a certain day. When you're like, you realize, oh. Oh, I know what you're doing. And I'm in here. This is what I'm going to do. And when you deal with a professional stripper, you go in there, dog.

She takes you into the first room first. She'll give you a couple whips on her month. She won't let you touch it Then she'll take you upstairs Bang you out for the small four bills And that's where she becomes a nun And you're like, what the fuck happens? She sold you. Yeah. She ain't a stripper

No more. She's a saleswoman now. Yeah. You want to fucking suck? That's 2000 for this fucking piece of ass. Yeah. You want to look at me? 2000, motherfucker. 2000, they look at you with a straight friend. You know what? You want to smell my asshole and fucking eat a yogurt at the same time?

They're not going to fuck 11 guys no more. That's $3,000. They're going to fuck fucking six guys for $1,000. Yeah. And make $12,000 a week. So wait. So I've even thought about it. If you pay whatever that is $2,500, that's not the whole night.

That's like one round, I guess. Oh, you can negotiate whatever the fuck you want. Okay. Thank God. Dude, what about fucking just somebody regular and tipping them after? Is that crazy you think? Like, if it's just a girl you met? They get insulted.

Yeah. I could see you. telling the girl, listen, man, I'm going to go out of town on Thursday. I didn't know this was going to happen. Had a great time. Can you get $200 there? I'm going to leave it there for you, for you doing your toes. Yeah. Nails and get yourself lunch

at your girlfriend, you know. Yeah, that's a way to do it. It's how you fucking do it. You know, it's not making them feel like a fucking hooker. Yeah. But you can't fuck, yeah. You know, it's like right now, Harvey Weinstein's getting in trouble for all this shit. And yeah, he's a pig.

But you got to imagine, there's a thousand. I used to date a girl, bro, that was a stripper. And after a year or two, I accepted what she did. And I used to just talk to her sometimes. And by talking to her, it really showed me how pathetic men were. Because not even in my deepest, darkest moment would I do something like that? Yeah. You know, yeah, I like fucking getting your dick sucked.

Everybody does. Everybody likes to bump into somebody and let me eat your monkey. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking leak out on somebody's car seat. Especially as a comedian, but to walk into a strip club right out, and this is what they do every week. This is their freak.

And I tell people all the time that you're married. So you have these boundaries. And then you present yourself with personal boundaries. And you go, you know what, I got a wife, I got a kid, I got a daughter, I got to go home now for fucking hours. My wife don't bang me like she used to, she don't let me come in a hair no more. All those days are done. Yeah.

And even with women, when women go to a gym, maybe a wife will go to a gym. maybe your wife will go to a gym not to fuck somebody, but just as somebody you tell her she looks good. Yeah. Everybody has their own needs, man. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I respect, look, man.

I mean, and also you see, look, Joe, you see these billboards now. You see these sugar model billboards. You see this shit all over? No. Sugar models, right? And it's like escorts. Basically, it's like high-end escorts out here

in L.A. you can get, you know? But it's not set up like escorts. It's like, oh, $400 you go to dinner with this girl. Or $200 you guys go to dinner. And everything else is kind of whatever you do is your business, right? But it's kind of known that, you know, sex is an option. You know, it's on the table for, you know, both sides of the party. So part of me, sometimes I'm like, well, is, and I don't even think, I don't think prostitution is a bad business, you know?

I don't think that it should be, I don't know if I feel like it should be illegal or not, you know. But I think it's weird that women aren't protesting and having these billboards up because I feel like that endangers a lot of. women, you know. It does. But let me tell you something. I don't know. How long have you been here? Ten years. Yeah, ten years. In your ten years, have you ever, and I'm not saying it correctly, a lot of people going to get mad at me. In your ten years, have you met a kept woman? You know what a cap woman? A kept woman is? Yes.

Leesayette makes $2 million a year. He loves Paula. He's been with Paula. He doesn't want to fucking do nothing wrong. But DeAndre. But what he does is he got an apartment across the street. He's got an apartment right across the street right here. Lee Seattle pay her $1,200 a month rent. Put $500 in her ass once a week. Put $500 car payment for her fucking lease out of your company. Yeah.

Because your wife don't look at your books, and you give it $1,500 a month to live. That's $3,500 out of your month. That's $40,000, but you're making $30 million a year, Lee. Yeah. That's nothing. So, Lee, how many, and we've had this discussion. And you know it because you live in L.A.

Like when I went to acting class, that's when I started meeting those girls. Yeah. Like, I went to a girl's house that was fucking neighbors with Shaq. Yeah. Like, you went to the penthouse, the elevator opened, Shaq's door was there, and her door was there. Yeah. That sounds like a lot more than 1,200 a month, right? Well, yeah, because her pussy was worth, you know.

That's a girl that when you come over, she bade you, she got your toenails, she rubs cream all over you, and then she goes to fucking town. Yeah. You come home. You leave there on Saturday morning. I'm feeling like a king again because your wife forgot how to treat you and people around you forgot how to treat you so you don't mind going to your extra buck

you ever see that an episode of Narcos when they talk about Barry Seale, the pilot and when they found him at a hookah house and they go Barry Seer was from the south Oh yeah, from Baton Rouge, Tom Cruise is playing him in that movie right now. They go Barry Seer was from the south he loved pussy

college football and hallucinations hallucinogenic mind-authoring drugs That made him a perfect CIA agent And they show him in bed with five fucking tens Five, that's a 50, bro What does that cost you, Lee? What does that cost you to go into a hookahouse and go I want the five baddest bitches

I don't want them to be dented I don't want them to have kids No moles either They got a guy in back cutting moles off these bitches I want them to be five playmates For the whole night, the suck and fuck Their blood comes out of their nose That's 10 Gs, a pop

you got to go and then drop 50 and go I want the money yeah what are you going to do what are you going to do when we had Dennis Hoff on he told us what the guy spent six million or something crazy between Thanksgiving and Christmas New Year's or something

Jesus so there's a bunch of kept women in Hollywood and I'll tell you why they come out here bro they end up in a roommate situation up in the fucking valley they gotta take a month after they get here the car blows up yeah they're taking buses all around but they really like Hollywood and they're starting to make and when they're

going to a fucking acting class and they meet some 40-year-old. They just once again to acting, but you don't want to get into acting. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's looking for fucking little guppies. How are you doing? Well, I'm struggling. I'm a waitress three days a week, and I host this six nights a week, and I really

have no time to audition. Let me take care of that. Yeah. You got a boyfriend? Yeah, but he's an asshole. He doesn't call. He doesn't call. Listen, I know you're fucking and sucking. Don't disrespect me. But what if I come over once a week? I get your new fucking apartment,

Belly Hill, brand new fucking car. There's some new shoes and kids. Some fucking whatever. Listen, man, how many women will go? What's, what's, what, you know, Harvey, for all the women that turn Harvey Weinstein down and are fucking, uh, saying all this shit about them,

there had to be 50 of them that he stocked up. Oh, and I bet there were, I bet there were 300 of them. Three hundred of them. That also offered to him and that he's probably said no. It's crazy. This works. both ways, especially in a town like this,

where you have high rents, people struggle here, the young actors, they have a dream. Listen, you can still have a dream. Yeah. Yeah, I used to go to the fricking parlor. I used to go to the parlor comedy, so Jay Davis had the show, right? At the parlor, it was really big for a long time.

And Jay's a great guy and puts on great shows, and we go over there. Dude, there was probably three or four women that I met in there who were kept women, who had nice houses around there, never could explain what they, did, always on Jets, doing this and that, what the fuck, you know. So they didn't tell you this.

But then later, I would hear from their friends, oh, she's, you know, she's got a boyfriend, you know, but he comes in once a month or something like that. He's a 60-year-old guy from Texas. There's a girl I saw last night that I used to bang a little bit and, you know, do things and everything with each other's bodies. And she said, oh, she got this guy. She says it's her godfather. She always frames him as, you know.

That's even gross. That's more worse. It's not really, though. But I just realized the other day, that's what the fuck's going on. I could. There was always an element missing as to where this girl made any money, how she was living lavish in the hill. And she always had this godfather, you know, and it didn't make any sense. And then finally the other day, I realized, oh, that's the, this the guy.

There's no godfather, you know? This is the bank account. You know, that's the guy. Remember in fucking pretty women when he says something? She goes, what are you telling about that? I told him he's my uncle. Yeah. And he goes,

don't worry about a lot of uncles come in here. And I can just see it. It just makes sense. That's gross. But I told you, Leah, a family member. I told you,

not a real family member. I know, but to even equate it with that with the word, right. Yeah, that's my uncle. You got to say step-uncle. You got to say,

like, this is my boss or something. Yeah. Can you let me ask you this, man. When I was fucking 20, when I was 19, I'll never forget walking around in the summertime in Aspen.

Never forget this. Maybe because at that time I was such a fucking whore. But I'll never forget, 1980-fucking 3. In Aspen? Aspen, Colorado, walking around that summer, eating like a sandwich outside one day on a park bench and going, you know,

if I was 21 and I was blonde, and I was hot, I mean spanking hot, and I had class. Like, I knew what a fork was, and I knew... Yeah. Like I knew different like genders a shrimp. I would come up here, man, and fucking from November to April, walk out of here with 10 Gs a week. Because I know Texans, when I used to work at the Crestwood Hotel, Texans would come in, bro.

And you believe me or not, they would come in with their families. Lee, you, your wife, and three fucking kids, three little fucking morons. and the first thing you do is you go up to the fucking center like most people like me you and whatever's fucking name is Theo would go hey man I need new skis hey man I need a new jacket we get in our car and go to Glimwood Springs because that's the mall

and everything is cheap down there only idiots would buy shit like when you go to snowmast village to ski your assman only you're a moron it's just somebody that drove it up there if you buy shit up 100% yeah it's like fucking you're paying out the ass but let me tell you something Guy, money, oil guys from Texas would come. You'd get them in, you'd drive them, you'd pick them up at the airport, drive them, they'd give you $100 at the door.

And they go, hold on. We're going to check in our stuff, and we're going to come right back. We need a ride up to Sport Kalen. They did this every year, bro. You gave him a ride to Sport Kalin. You waited. The guy would give his fucking wife a fucking black, whatever, the highest American Express card. He would go into a bar and take you in there.

What do you mean you ain't going to have a drink? In those days, I used to drink guys because Texans come up there. Yeah. And we were going to like a fucking John, the Denver Bar, the Tower, and have a drink while his wife was across the way at Sport Carolina. And he'd have two. To my drink, he'd have five. And then he'd go over, I'd go back to the van, he'd go over and spend, I mean, from socks to the salesmen, they're fucking the best. They sell you everything.

Yeah. And these Texans were coming and go, give me the best of the best. Yeah, I want it all. $2,000 goggles. $40,000, Lee, in fucking equipment. You drive it back or they fix it for you. They come back up to ski,

they pick it up, they do that for four fucking days. The kids are the only ones that really ski because mom and dad are in their fucking 50s. They're tired. Guess what happens when they leave? Leave the shit. They leave the shit. No, they don't.

Yes, they do. Yeah, they do. We're talking fucking, we're talking, skis made out of bone human bone. $40,000 slave femurs, bro. They fucking tell me.

They were, those bellmen, the reason why those people work at that hotel, like when I was working there in 1983, when I was working at the Crestwood in 1984, 60% of the people in that hotel lived off of the tips in the winter and fucking what people left in their rooms. Theo Vaughn goes to,

hits a fucking HBO special and has a TV show. What kind of party do you think Theo Vaughan's going in there? CEO of Lahn's going to pay Kate Quigley 20,000 to light herself on fire. Yeah. Here's 20,000. Just light your pussy hairs on fire.

Oh, I'm going to be eating black cats on a barass. Yeah, you like the premiere of the show. Kate Quigley lights a pussy hairs on fire. We tape it. You know what? He's going to drop up there. He's going to buy shirts and shit and he's going to buy 20 bottles of fucking

the best vodka. What he doesn't drink stays in the room. What do you do, Lee? You're making eight bucks an hour. You walk into a room. And there's three bottles of Dom Perignon. And six bottles of tequila unopened. That's how you made your money in those days.

Do you know how many fucking ski boots and skis? I got given to me at that hotel. And I would give them to people. Like I would give them away. Like, bro, what size boots you wear? Eight, here you go. Joey, these are six hundred. These are six hundred dollars boots.

Yeah. Some guy bought them. We're having a church, you know. They did that every fucking week. So wait. And did these people come, leave it and come back? next year and do it again do it again do it oh no but what are they gonna do bring it

home no what they're gonna do lee it's oil lee it's dead dinosaur sauce rent an apartment there and and and leave the keys in there they ain't got time for that you know why Lee is that time they're making money but you think they're gonna fucking leave

in the airport and drop to shut up at a fucking storage unit there's a Texan Lee they don't give up Lee I used to laugh at those tax I remember one guy opening up briefcase one day in front of me. A Texan came in and he wanted money or something, put away like a jewelry in his safe.

He gave later to jewelry. But in his briefcase, he had stacks like a drug deal. He wasn't no fucking drug deal. He's a white dude that owned like a fucking meat company. Yeah. But when he came to Colorado, he came to Colorado. Because he knew he was going to Aspen, four nights.

He was going to buy Blow. You know how many times people walked into rooms in Aspen and bumped into a quarter ounce of blow or an eight bowl. You don't be fucking made just to come up to me and go, just come here. Look. Give me like a gram and a half of Coke that they found in the room. People don't want to take that shit back.

Especially in New York, you can usually hit up somebody that's clean in the rooms, whatever, and ask them. Tell them when you get there. We used to do that. Do we get there? Tell them we get there. You find anything good? You know, here's 40 bucks.

Drop it off by my room. No questions asked. It really is crazy when you see the amount of money. some people have. But never know. Even at that age, like when I lived up there, I was like, if I was a hot girl,

21, nobody knew me. I came out here from Jersey. Kept it light, bro. Yeah. Real light, you know. Put an adword, mattered. Chill. Lived down valley.

Got myself an Uber, a valley. Just a soft signal wear a jingle bell around your fucking ankle. Carry a piece in your purse. Make believe a body goes. I dropped you off. Yeah. And after a while on Aspen, listen to me, bro, as a young girl,

if you're getting a nickel a fucking nut job and you're getting two nut jobs a night, three nights a week. Well, if you're doing two nut jobs a week, it's $1,000 a week. And some of those taxes will come up and say, you know what, little girl, how about I just give you $10,000 and you just stay and polished his knob?

Yeah. Three days. You get $10,000. Go fuck my son. Go fuck my son. You go home, you disconnect the fucking service. And then you come back three months later. with different color hair.

They're slick. Those checks are slick, bro. And they're masters. Because after a while, they're just work, they're just business women. They learn how to become a bit. At first,

look, when you go into a strip club and you see the girls with the honcho, the local drug dealer. Yeah. Like last night there was a shooting at a club in like,

I don't know, some bum little fucking town we used to do comedy here in California. I ain't even something about it. Yeah. But it's true. Those little fucking homie towns where they have that one

club deluxe and the neighborhood drug dealer's VIP and when he comes in a little bit crazy. And they don't know that this guy's a scab off of fucking society's ass. He's not even nobody. He's like at least if he was the real kingpin, he'd be in New York or he'd be jet-settin and shit.

He's got fucking four grams in his club box. Yeah, but he's fucking king slayed or whatever. Spunk or something. He's got spunk tattooed across his fucking chest. He don't even know that his gang name is also a name for seaman or something, you know? He's just so fucking cool. He's just so fucking cool.

and he walks in and those little clubs like that, it's so weird how. And they love him. You know, when you walk into like a strip club, you know the girls that are, they bought into it.

Like, there's certain girls that have, oh, yeah. Bought into it. And then there's certain girls that are a fucking profession. Yeah. Like, even at that club

where I went to, they got a bunch of knuckleheads. But there's a girl that when you see her walk in there, she usually strolls in there. She's a jeez. She's got a clipboard. She works you.

It's a work job. And yeah, she'll let you fucking fucking stick four fingers up her knuckle on the asshole. But I'll tell you what, you're going to leave there with your pockets sucked out. Yeah. You're going to leave there and go, man, she was hot.

But I did what? For how much? What am I a fucking idiot? That means they got a talent, Jack. That's the talent. I don't have a judge a woman for that. I can't. We're doing the same shit, man.

We're doing it with our emotions, though. And I did the same shit as a criminal. Dude, if I had a nice asshole, I'd show it to people every night for a couple of fucking men. How many people? How many times have you heard somebody? There's a couple people Ari hangs out with that. There's a broad.

Ari hangs out with not date late love-wise, but they're friends. She sells her underwear, her socks, she makes a living. Yeah, yeah. We're selling her bras, her underwear.

Somebody takes her bra and snips her fucking bra. Some dude, bro. Or even a woman or a kid. It's, I don't, you cannot get mad at a woman for doing that. I can't. Dude,

I used to add this dude in college and he, gnome, right? Everybody called him gnome, this dude. He was like little, but he wasn't like a little person, you know? He was just outside of that, you know? It's like a fucking... He just barely did me? He barely made it? Just rocking that cusp, you know?

Five foot one and a half? Like he could have been a lifeguard at like a midget only pool, you know? Like he was just but also where you had to also be little to work at the place. So like he was just like above and he anytime he'd walk up with a chick he would wear their underwear

around his neck it was like his thing right and he'd do that all summer by the end of summer this dude would be running around looking like a fucking like he just robbed a bank in the wild west

he'd have like nine pairs of fucking women's underwear around his neck you know he wouldn't take them off not for the summer now in the winter he was afraid

you could see his neck he was natural in the winter but fucking Joey's ordering pizzas over here Joey's fucking customizing a lasagna

You're on this new happy guy. But, dude, I didn't get to this story, so what happened was. I'm very sorry if to interrupt. Just a buddy in my own when I was landing in Omaha, and I kept home. He's been bugging me. Yeah, not tonight, bro. No, I know. But Jesus Christ is God.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, you see how I live? And then I have friends that don't stop. About a week ago, I have this dear friend. Dear friend, I'm talking. When I'm in the seventh brand, we play basketball. I hung out with him and his brother. Yeah.

Dear friend, he calls me. I go, hey, man, but you remind me, do me a favor. Your son does something with web pages, with YouTube pages. Like, that's what he does. Yeah. Him and his partner will take your YouTube page, and next thing you know, you're making $3. Next thing you know, you're making $300,000 with each two kids. You can see it.

That's what they do. Right. I said, tell your son to give me a call. I'm going to hook him up with Lee. Maybe he can help us out. Yeah, no worries. This happened at 9 in the morning. You know, at 12 o'clock, I go to Jiu-Jitsu, and that's when the phone starts ringing.

I can sit there with two, 10 fingers at my ass waiting for people to call me. As soon as I got out of Jiu-Jitsu, I look when they call, everybody starts calling at 11.57. I'll have nine missed calls from 1157 on. Sure enough, I got a call from his son, and then I look, and 30 minutes later, the father calls me. Yeah. Do you know that motherfucker called me? Every 45 minutes on the dot, the rest of the day, until about seven. I just wouldn't even fucking answer the phone

because I knew if I answered the phone I was going to go the fuck off Oh I see what you're saying So then he stopped at some point Like maybe I got at two in the morning He stopped LA time Like at two in the morning New Jersey time I get up the next morning

And who the fuck do you think fucking calls me at 901 And I forgot all about the day before Yeah Like I was involved in my day and I looked at the phone and I just slung and I go hey do me a favor

you call me one fucking time this is a business phone don't ever fucking call me once than one fucking day and I just hung up on them and I haven't heard from it since because no they don't get it if you call me between 7.30 and 9 a.m., what the fuck do you think I'm doing to you?

I may be on Twitter but my 4.5 year old is on the floor over that painting asking me fucking questions. So if I pick up the phone, you're not going to like the conversation. You're about to fucking hear. Yeah. So I don't pick up the phone.

I have respect out of my peep. Out of respect out of my peeps, I don't pick up the fucking phone. Yeah. Because she's right there. And if not, I'm with her on the couch, watching fucking whatever. I dare you to come to my house and answer the phone on the couch when my daughter is sitting next to you. I dare you. Yeah.

I dare you. You have no idea what decency is. She will look at you. You ever see the little De Niro gives Val Kilma? Looked at Val Kilmer Gives that retard Knees at the diner You fuck around in my house

Sit on the couch while she's watching cartoons And I dare your phone to ring And God forbid your ring is on Okay If your ringer is on She will give you a fucking look Like are you fucking retarded Turn that shit off

The other day I was at Denny's Sitting next to her And she was playing with her fucking Barbie dog With two little shoes on And the shoes kept pouring mercy. Do me a favor. Give me the fucking shoes. We get to we walk into Denny's and sure enough

Daddy, her shoe fell off. I knew the fucking shoe was going to fall off. I fucking knew it. It's been falling off all fucking morning. So I go, sit off over here and don't move. So I go outside, there's the shoe in the middle of the fucking driveway, a car drove over it. Poor Barbie shoes

all fucked up. Now I got to bring it into and sell it to her. I got to put it back on the foot. The shoe was so fucked up, Bobby was limping. So we're sitting there minding the own business And who walks in Out of all the seats Now the fucking place is empty

They got me waiting there Because my wife went back to the fucking car To the house Because she forgot that if she locked the door Seelow? Who walked in? Ciloh? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No Ciloh.

If I walked in, if I walked in And that fucking Denny's, I saw, were you with me when we saw What's his name in there? I don't think so. Yeah, you were with me when we saw Who was it? The Gout of the Braids?

Oh, Tim Allen? He goes there all the time. That's a swinging Denny's over there. I just don't go in there at night because that's, you're born to get shot. You go to a Denny's, you might as well go to a Vegas to a country concert. When you go to Denny's after 10 nowadays, you might as well sign up for the next country fucking concert

and fuck them whatever, and stand real close to the window and wave this time. Dude, this is a hard. Bro, I used to do this a bit about Denny's, and how much I hated Denny's, right? It's not a special. It's almost special, right? So anyway, I was like, I wish somebody would shoot up a fucking Denny's, right?

That's what I would say. Dude, some kid puts in the comments, he goes, man, he puts a link to a YouTube clip. He goes, man, my dad actually got shot up at a fucking Denny's. He goes, somebody walked him with a gun and shot everybody in the place. One star. He goes, but I still love this bit that you do. And that was beautiful, bro. Here I am joking about it.

He said it really happened. He lost his father right next to a fucking grill, bro. Right next to a griddle. You know what? You got two brothers back there fucking sword fighting with spatulas. Probably hopped up on fucking methamphetamines, you know. Not knowing they're going to lose their job to the fucking Mexican guys sitting at the bar, you know? Unbelievable, man.

But that's God, dude. That kid came and he was just popping. Positive, man. There's a couple places where I go late night, and I'm like, like, one night, me, Lee, and Becky went to Denny's on a fucking, on a fucking Sunday night after a podcast. And we were having a good time, but the whole time, I was like squatting under the bush by that window. Because the window is on Burbank Boulevard. I want to be a crib. All right, shoot up with Denny's.

I'm sitting there having a fucking a salad and something with my friend here. And Becky's sitting counterclockwise, so she gets it right. We got to bury Becky with a hat on with a tent planet fuck With a hat on With a chef hat on I'm like Josh Wolfe you know what I'm saying That shouldn't be in my brain I'm scared of anything already

I'm scared of everything You would look good at a chef man You don't think I'm fucking scared You see me how many nights we leave here Dying of hunger you and I One in the morning sometimes me and him He's cross-eyed Yeah

This guy if I took At two in the morning, if I go to lean, listen, I got a sandwich coming over here. Just jiggle my balls. I guarantee I'll confuse him for 10 minutes. He'll be sitting there confused. I don't know. I'll just jingles balls. I'll wash my hands.

I've done worse. I got a hand job from a Chinese shake with time. Dude, I remember this dude. So who gives a fuck, really? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This far as tremendous. This is the...

Bro, they had a guy used to tell us for... Right? He'd give you $30. just to tell you he'd been jerking off this older dude. I remember when I was young. He used to say that. I'd be like, look, I'm going to tell you something all right. And he'd be like, all right.

And he'd say, I've been jerking off. Give me 30 bucks. No, and then he would give us 30 bucks to keep quiet. Because we were children, but he wasn't supposed to be saying it to us. Oh, he'd paid you? Yeah. Yeah, I'm not paying him for him to tell me that shit, dude. I don't give a fuck. I assumed that when I met him. Oh, my God. But here was the thing, though, I never even got to this, dude, was that

So my sister one time We lived together for a while, right? And this is probably about eight years ago She had this other dance that it worked with her Came over to our place, right? Stole our vacuum. She was on these colonnopins and everything And she got all fucking, you know,

warm under the skin one night on them pills And fucking stole our vacuum, you know? As you do. I wasn't there when she stole it, but literally I could picture her Probably trying to put it in her fucking purse, you know? Like the stick end in the purse and the fucking huge vacuum hanging out, right?

Dude, fast forward. Year and a half, right? I'm not even living with my sister anymore. I'm in New Orleans for a bachelorette party or somewhere, or Baton Rouge somewhere, or a bachelor party. They got a big fucking money deal, right? They wheel in one of those cakes where the women pop out, like the fake cake and they pop out and they dance, right?

You know, one of the chicks that pops out is the fucking bitch that stole my vacuum, bro, right? So everybody else, I have no idea. forgot about this. Like, fuck you, bitch. Oh, everybody else is tipping these bitches and fucking, you know, shaking both of their ass cheeks at the same time, you know, with each hand, you know, like they're, you know, like doing a really fast... Both for me. Yeah, like, vote for me. Yeah, like, both for me. And here I am in the background, and all I can think is that bitch stole my fucking vacuum, dude.

Bro, I had half of a nerve to just the whole time just make vacuum sounds in the back, just like, v-hmm. I was so pissed, bro. What did she do when she saw you? Huh? What did she do? She acted like she didn't know. And that's the thing I don't like about people, I guess, that steal vacuums is when they see you, they act like you don't fucking remember. Like, I'm not going to remember you stole a vacuum.

I wasn't on Kalanapins. I wasn't on Somas, you know? How do you even get away with a vacuum? Like, doesn't someone, if they, if I was in an apartment building and I saw someone who was on like Kalanapins with a vacuum and just running down the stairs, bless you? It's half of America. It's half of the neighborhood around you.

What can they give you a fucking vacuum? I mean, if you came out of my house with a vacuum, what can I give you the small 15? I was going to say at least 30. That's like a snow. I don't know. What if it goes kaputs after they go down the block? I'm no fucking vacuum mechanic,

but I know there's a little fucking belt in there. And whenever that, when you hit something fucked up, the belt breaks. Like, I used to have a Kirby vacuum. And they come with a package as a belt. I couldn't do it. Like, whenever the vacuum broke my mom

and I take it off and put the vacuum on. You gotta be like a fucking technician. You gotta unplug it or the vacuum will suck your fingers in. So nice to you. What kind of fucking Cuban can't fix a vacuum? My mom, my mom could take the thing. We had a Kirby. When we were, when I was a kid, when I was a kid,

they had like the shitty vacuums you could buy. Yeah. But my mom was such a fucking neurotic Cuban that she loved. She bought a vacuum. Like, let's say a vacuum in those days. Like a top-knots vacuum cost 14-19. In those days, like in the seven. Well, a blind to you.

It was 73. Once we move back to, click on Kirby fucking vacuum. One that'll kick on Kirby vacuum. One of you could, one of your, but we'll suck your cats to get from across the road. Something got in mind. I still remember being a kid and the guy coming over to the house. And my mom and her girlfriend, like a buddy world in.

I'm like, what's going on? A lot more expensive than $15 now. How much? Well, no, no, no, no. I said that if a regular vacuum, cost 15 bucks in those days, this was a yardstick. Gotcha. Put it on the thing there.

Like, this was like, it came, like, when it came to my house, in those days at toy stores, if you walked in tight to James Bondi, one of the coolest toys of the 70s was you got a briefcase. Yeah. Okay, there's briefcase, Lee. Check this out. There was this briefcase as a child. Okay. That's like, I don't even know what it costs.

That's why we get into prices. Briefcases for children? There was a briefcase. It was a plastic briefcase. If you wanted to be a secret agent. Right. And it was based after James Bond. They couldn't say 007 on it.

You ready to Lee? And on the suitcase, the cool thing about the suitcase is that it had a button on the handle. Right. So you could press the button and a plastic bullet would come out and shoot you a while. Because in there was a gun with a silencer connected to this hinger. It was all, you know, for 10-year-olds and 12 years. Oh, for children. You want to be an asshole?

Oh, I thought this is something. A businessman would have. No, no. I'd pick it up and go, and it would hit you in the chest, and you'd go, motherfucker. Yeah. You would have the same gun. I was a bank rob. But in there came like handcuffs, a rope, like all secret ages shit.

Yeah. A telescope. Magnifying glass. Yeah. So my point is that when my mom showed me, when this guy came over, what was so cool about Kirby vacuum cleaners at the time, were that it came in a fucking box. and it can't see how all those utensils oh yeah like all those utensils right there for the for the for the 429 one yeah that fucking vacuum had a beautiful case that you opened up and all everything was neat nice and neat yeah so we had a Kirby vacuum growing up and that was nice it was nice it was classy your house was always clean look you had all the brushes all the things for the furniture see the belts who the fuck do you think you did dealing with. Do you think you got,

you think your fucking guys are fucking dealing where you see the little circle belts? What do you think there's a wrist? Let's do? There's a fucking belts. See what I'm saying? What if? That's what happened.

The Kirby vacuum should be getting a vig for all these assholes that wear these braces and put, you know, help the fucking homeless and the sharks. Water for the blind and shit. I have to get someone to fix it. I wouldn't, I wouldn't know how to fix that.

No, it's a, listen, when the thing breaks, it's real fucking easy. I was just dumb. You take off the grill, Bob, you take it off the loop. Okay. And then you take the old one or snap. It's like if I take a rubber band and cut it with a scissor, it just snaps.

It's just one rope. Then you take that and you loop it on something, and you loop it back on the thing. You close the vacuum, and your thing is tip-top. So I can't believe that they still didn't take away their loop. Do you people think I'm over here dropping knowledge with no fucking knowledge? If I tell you about Kirby vacuum, it's because fucking it's the shit, my do-dood. you know what you're fucking think you're dealing with some novice

I remember appliances used to just be so much more hearty bro the vacuum you could ride on the fucking vacuum remember that if you were a little kid you could sit on there where your mom was pushing and ride on like it was like a piece of fucking metal I love vacuuming until this day I vacuum at the house I love it there's something soothing about it something about vacancy I don't like when it's too like my wife she's part of the fucking technology world so we got a vacuum like modes by itself no no no nothing's a piece of shit the fucking

He's got a thousand things. I'm scared to fucking touch it. Yeah. Then she's got a rug cleaner because the cat's piss everywhere. Yeah. So we've got to have a fucking rug cleaner constantly. And what? Bro, I'll help her clean the rugs.

Just people's feet. Just us walking around with sneakers. Can you a matter? Your house is filthy. It's filthy, Lee. If you don't mop, like, with hot, hot water every week, you know, when we lay down on shit, we drag so much stuff.

It's not us. It's not us. It's when we walk to our cars. It's all that shit that we step on. You walk in and out of your house every day. Like, yeah, I was looking at, you ever have a wall that to turn on the fucking light, your finger always hits? Look at that. There's always your fingers in there.

Gross. Even though you wash your hands. Bogers, whatever, semen, skin. No, no, there's nothing like that on my walls. What's the matter? That's when I was 14. But I'm saying on your hand when you touch the light fixture? Think about a light fixture.

Think about everybody's gross hand. muffin pieces of little pieces of muffin you know sugars definitely seeming people have fucking semen all over their house dude I I worked in restaurant so they make you go through like training for that stuff yeah I for

if I'm ever somewhere and you need to get a soda lid I never grab the one on top I always go in I never grab the first straw like I hate I hate places that there's places that have just loose straws not even with plastic around them I won't go there anymore like Marie tea they get

the paper whole school you shoot the fucking paper in the air yeah I don't like that but I remember I was talking about this earlier the can like when the Halloween when I was young came on the weekend we didn't have been ghetto boys a trick-a-treat man robbing little kids for bags dude we had

they didn't even have the individually wrapped candies I remember this one house we went to and their grandfather had died they fucking grandfather died on Halloween they left him out on a porch for the night bro how fucking awesome is that right knowing that he's dead anyway, right? But sometimes these houses would have...

Did people think he was a decoration or something? People thought he was just being scared and resting. But this is when he died. And that's when he left the earth. It was on Halloween, right? But this is a time when you would get... I remember this one house, the candy was all junked in the bowl. Like, they weren't all individually wrapped candies.

You know what I'm saying? I remember going to a place that he just put the whole mince in there and they would all... And one person would just get the whole fucking rock of mint, you know? So you're running around with like 300 mints on the arm in one chunk, you know? She came home with some candy. We did two or three things. She came home with some candy, but I'll tell you something.

Like three or four people gave her little bottles of water. I can't wait until she gets older than her, so she throws her back at the fucking people. And go get your life together, give her this fucking water. Water to a child. We want sugar. And I raided that thing. The first night, Friday night, when I got home, I got stoned by mistake. And I started eating my little licorishes.

I'm shit like three of them in there. I ate him. She was pissed. Well, I mean, she knew, huh? Like, did you look through it? Like, when I was going, my mom would look through and take any loose. No, well, we didn't go to houses. First off, we went to the church and we went to the school.

Oh, gotcha. And they have a thing called trunk or treat. And people pull their cars are back there, people that are involved with the school and parents. So kids can't even go to the houses anymore? No, we're going to do that on Tuesday. Gotcha. This is for little kids and whatever. What's going to happen is we hide her.

She's Tuesday, she's, got like fucking swimming. And then she don't get out of that until 5.30. We're going to bring her home. By the time we get home, in fact, I'm on the... You're going to be running late. Yeah, we'll be running late because we're going to fucking bring her home to eat and tell me to ring the doorbell. Once the kids come, last year, she just closed.

She goes, Mommy, Daddy, bye. We had to run out after her last year. Wow. Because she just took off with the other fucking kids. Like, she was like, see you laying and we're like, what the fuck are you doing? There's candy out there to get. So we walked to her. got dark and she's like mom and dad let's get the fuck out of it last night she told my wife

let's get out of here they went to trunk or treat at the church my wife said after a half hour she came up to me she's good mom let's go home it's good to go yeah at least she knows what's up but yeah they got uh they used to have we went to houses we knocked on people's doors they gave you pennies nickels they gave you big pieces of chocolate you shit chunks of popcorn chunks of popcorn fucking food sugar one lady used to just We take a fucking two things of sugar and fucking just put it in your fucking bag. Just scoops.

Shit. No candy, not even in shape. She's fucking parents today are fucking half of fags. Oh, dude. They give your kids dick. The reason why I asked you earlier if it bothered you was because when I was growing up

I had a dear, dear, dear friend that, I mean, Theo Von, he was a sweetheart, beautiful fucking young kid. And he had three sisters, all of them. Like each one were beauty queens. God.

One of that, one of those families. Yeah. It was him and a brother and six sisters. But all of them, like even the 10-year-old, you're like, Jesus. You'd fuck the whole family. What did your parents do? Yeah. Every one of these girls.

Like the second oldest one went to dance. But this was the fucked up day. She danced two blocks of my house. Like, within weeks it was out. And, you know, you'd be at the fuck. liquor store with him waiting for something to buy you booze and somebody would come up to you and go what are you guys doing to like nothing let's go down there Tina's dancing Tina was his fucking sister yeah you know what I'd feel like my heart would fucking stop and there were nights that I heard that he actually went down there and pulled her out of that by a fucking hair and shit yeah there was a couple incidents with him he was a good kid I mean look I I don't think I was stoked about it for sure right you weren't jumping up and down but look I know the childhood that we had you know and I know I got very little connection like with any you know I didn't have any guidance or connection so I know she got even less than that you know she was you know the youngest kid in

our family so and I didn't feel like I knew her well enough or had enough you know emotional connection with her to she wasn't going to listen to me you know so and what am I going to you know like so all I could do was just be supportive You know, tell her to make sure she wore a seatbelt when she drove, make sure she was, you know, walking with people in and out of these clubs. And also my sister was a smart, she wasn't a fucking puts, you know. She was a smart girl. She was a smart girl.

I wonder what you can make as a fucking... She bought a house. I mean, she bought a beautiful house out in Arizona. That's it. That's the proof of the pudding. Because if you're fucking smart and then they get to be fucking slick. Like, when I live in Seattle, my girlfriend was a fucking half a stripper. She had the mind of...

I mean, she's as dumb as a box of rocks. She's a millionaire today. She ended up marrying a Hindu that was 80. He died the whole fucking deal. The fucking dying Hindu trick. Nice guy. You know, but... Let me tell you something, man.

And I'm mad enough to admit it. From fucking 95 to 97, that girl supported me. Yeah. She was making it bank. Yeah. And I couldn't go up to her and go, hey, how did you make this extra $2?

200. It's none of my fucking business. Yeah. You know, it's none of my fucking business. But, you know, a lot of people make jokes about strippers, including me. I got the utmost respect for them, because it's a deep game. Well, look, I mean, I...

It's a deep fucking game, dog. Dude, I hooked up with a stripper in Shreport that looked like a half of a... What is a Minotaur or Cenotaur? What's one that have an animal for the half lower body? I think both of those. Yeah. I think... This girl looked like a centaur, you know?

But she still seemed cool. She was a sweaty. God, she had the strongest fucking she had thighs for calves. She had thighs up top and then also double thighs, no calves, you know? Like just built like a damn fucking, you know, like a

squirrel squats, just like fucking short, thick fucking legs, you know? All stomach, hardly any legs or arms. But I'll tell you this, dude. I notice, and here's what I notice, I find that

comedians are often in, we fall in a lot of same circles as like porn stars, exotic dancers, because there's some similarities here. No, we're broken. The similarities that somewhere we feel

shortened somewhere along the line. We need some type of immediate acceptance. I sit here sometimes at night or not here, but many nights I've sat there and said, why did I become a comedian? I mean, did I need attention when I was a kid? My mom was on my ass. when I was a kid.

Yeah, but on your ass and making you feel loved are two different things. No, but it was the same thing. It's not like I sat there and, you know, fucking, no, no, no, no. She was always, no. That's one thing. I lacked the love of a father. Right.

You know, so maybe that sparked it. Yeah, my brother. But, I mean, do you think that maybe she was loving for the first, I think, what, you were 13, 15? 15, 16. So maybe maybe if she had lived. you wouldn't have been a comedian. So maybe from the love that you lost. I always loved performing.

When I was a kid, I was kind of a musician. And then as I got old, I did karate. But my specialty was de forms, and I was really good at doing forms and putting together stupid moves and shit. And then I heard it ended up comedy, and I just thought it was fucking superb. And then I became whatever the fuck I ended up becoming.

Yeah. And now we're here. you know so somewhere I took different elements of that childhood and I became a stand-up comic do I drive a fancy car do I fucking jump up and down and jiggle for love at this point in my life

you know me a long time bro I got my own views I live my own fucking life I don't give a fuck about what you know directors and producers think before you came here you're a fucking man and you gotta leave here a fucking man if you become what they want you to become those are the fucking people

that they should have never came here they never should have came here yeah those stories I told last night at the ice house on stage they're true stories

I told they got to go fuck himself on the set of this fucking high line commercial like I shot this Arby's what is it again are you sure you want me saying no what's the name of the company Hardies?

Hardys Oh I love Hardys What's the name of the cousin to Hardys Oh Carl's Jr.? Carl Jr. So years ago, bro, I shot three national commercials three weeks

in a row. Like in my 20 years here. That's huge. I booked like 10 commercials. But in 2009 or 2000, one of those years I booked a fucking three national sprint.

Wow. Something else and this R.B. Which was fucking money. Yeah. Because they pay you from both companies. That's big money. together. You have no fucking ideally. Dude, I did a shitty internet commercial one time. I made 25 grand over three years. Bro. How many people staying in front of a cup with 7-11?

25 grand over three years is a gift. Oh, it was, I couldn't. I couldn't imagine. I thought I was going to make $600. You know, I could never imagine that would have made down with $20 over that time. Oh, yeah. And they give you a little, I told Lee for a year now, Lee, stop the shit. Go get your head shots. Go give that guy $1.00. is go to Aqua telling me you want to go out for commercials. Jesus Christ, me. I would put you in some shit.

Hershey kisses, snacks or something. Anything that people eat and jumping up and down games with a jersey on, you're what to do, you know, you're a zombo-looking motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you can be the friend that's sitting on the kind of chips, bro. You're a handsome motherfucker dog. Guarding the condiments, dude, or fucking sitting there with some pussy on your leg? I love that.

That sounds great. Somebody told me. They saw you. Garden of the condiments. Somebody said to me that they stopped going out for the actual and they're just focusing on commercial. I was like, you know what? I think it's time for Uncle Joey to get a commercial agent again.

Yeah. Because I'm going to book a mafia commercial once a year or a cook or a chef or a pizza guy or a garbage man. Yeah. If you're not in the game, you're never going to book the game. Yeah. I signed with a chick and a week later I get paperwork that I got to put my bank account information on there.

And I go, what do you need my bank account information for? She goes, well, if we ever need to get that, that, that, that, that, that, you got to. take that off the contract. Papa just gives you a name and a headshot. Go to work, bitch. And then we'll worry about fucking bank information, social security

numbers. Suck my dick. I got to give you a credit report. Who the fuck are you? Let me see your credit report, bitch. Fucking people. The audacity of these people. Where's Tony Bennett, cuck? They're fucking people. Let me see your fucking credit report. Animals, bro.

Let me see your fucking credit report. Let me see your... Fucking balls on people I want to be around Oh he sounds good huh To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks Your heart

I don't know why Every time I fight you That candle's gonna save you You're using like a shield of death That candle Could lock the whips out of my asshole It's like Zelda If you had 15 candles

Right My asshole would sink the whole candle factory. This was chicken florentine that my wife made for lunch. This song? Oh, that food. Yeah, man, I've been eating some plants recently, so I've been

having any gas, man. What? I farted the other day and forgot I hadn't farted in a long time. That's the number one thing I think I'm going to miss when I die, bro. Farting probably, and looking at horses. I thought veggies made you fart all the time. Not me, man.

You clean? You're sober, you look good. I'm a adult. You're going to shoot a special. What do you want to do? I think we're going to do one more so time. We'll see. If not, dog, listen.

You see that album right there? Yeah. What's his name? He sold a bunch of those. And you know what, bro? You get yourself and Lee, you throw Lee a couple dimes. We put together a little team. You take it to the Irvine Improv.

We blow it up on a few podcasts. Do it at Ice House. And you do two shows. It doesn't matter. Material, Material, Material. Guess who owns the material Who's got the money on fucking iTunes? Yeah.

You do, and you monitor it. And you know what? This whole business is media anyway. How many people have free internet and how many people have Showtime? Let's take a fucking vote. Yeah. You know what?

If it's going to be Showtime, you're going to say yourself for Showtime, fuck it. You know what? Let me go. Let me put a fucking hour. You put pictures in there, you lighten case asshole on fire.

Yeah. You with your buddies at the Comedy Store will come down and support you doing it on the night when we're all in town. People rather have that and a fucking CD and guess what? You're the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise and you run it

because you know these people are going to listen to you at work and laugh their ass off. More than they're going to tap it to Showtime Go and all... Yeah, I agree. You're making them go to places they ain't there. And you know what? They love you to Dead, but ah, he went to Showtime. Fuck him.

Yeah. I'll go to somebody who was on iTunes for $2.52 sites and I can listen to that work and giggle. And what about the video? Could we also put the video on iTunes, you think, Lee? Yeah, absolutely. You can do whatever fuck you want. With the video, I'd rather you control it.

I rather you pay... Yeah, that's what I think. Pay the G-note, let them get the video, and then pay another number, and let them get a G-note, and let them get the video, and behind the scenes with Lee and dust and smoking reefer, and you going home and showing your father's grave,

and you bowing, and let's go show me the camera. where your sister stripped the first time and low key let's go see what they're doing today low ceiling dude they're developing a bunch of surface strippers you know what I'm saying da nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah Batman suck my dick they're all doing that what's that man

like my pussy like my Batman that da da da what were some of your Halloween costumes when you were young dude both you guys don't want to know I want to know man one of them was probably Batman you couldn't even have a

fucking a boy scout couldn't even be next to me because in those days you were flammable as fuck. When I was a kid, people used to light on fire on Halloween. All the time. For no fucking reason, though. Boof. You go to school on a Tuesday and the next day they come in with bandages and a jar full of Vaseline and no eyebrows.

What happened to you? Were you lighting people on fire? No. Just a wild night, dude. Listen, if a car was driving, okay? People don't spontaneously combust. Oh, yes, they did. By those suits.

They were made by some material. Caracine. Dog, this shit was blowing up. So let's say you were walking with me, you, Theo, we got a couple idiots who were ten. We're walking across the street with our little fuck. And there's people who made costumes. Yeah.

But then there were parents who bought them. They came in a box. And they came with a mask up on top of the fucking thing. And the mask would cut your fucking skin. Yeah. The mask would cut your skin. It was like razor blades. It was for tough kids.

Yeah. And then the suit, you were going to live. When your mom gave you that suit, She signed them for a Liberty National Insurance. Because let me say, let me put it to this way, Lee. You're crossing the street, you got the hand that goes like this, you know. Right. Right.

But at that first light, there's a car. And by mistake, it's like a 1966 Cheval. If it backfires, you're going up in flames, you know what I'm saying? Dude, they had some textiles going around our area that had kerosene. And I wish, Lee, I was lying to it. Cerosene in the cloth. Yeah, you were burned. People burn up in heartburn.

Every Christmas, you see a group of kids, one of them were like a flash suit or Batman. You're like, that kid's not going to school tomorrow. Somewhere along the line, those poor bastards were fucking combust. Chevy Blazers would always do a fire off too at the end, you know? My uncle used to get out and run back to the back of the car and they would go off and he would act like you shot him, you know, and he'd fall on the ground. Because a lot of those cars would backfire. And they had a lot of clothing back in our area. Somebody was making bad clothing and had kerosene in it.

And kids were fucking getting... adults too, a lot of adult men. We were smokers. We're getting burnt up. I forgot all about those fucking... Remember the boxes? I forgot about the box? You forgot about the box?

And they had all different sizes, all different colors. And they were called, take your chance, Halloween. Making a real Halloween. Mickey Rooney? It was like I told me the other days. People want to get scared. You want to be Halloween? Shove a dick and your ass and get a mirror in front of your face.

And look at your reflection of your mouth open. You'll be scared. How was this company around more than one year? They went to states where they endorsed fucking... They endorsed fucking... They endorsed fucking... What do you call those people? They endorsed...

Flammable people. Yeah. They endorsed like... Jugglers, wizards. You took your... Dude, they had a girl in our neighborhood, dude. She put that mask on and her head was so big. It would like smash her face into like a shape of like a cookie, right?

And it would take three days, even after she took the mask off. It would take like three days for her fucking pace to go back to form, bro. I'm going to fucking pass up. She looked like Mickey Rooney, dude. This girl looked like fucking Mickey Rooney, bro. I told you, when I was growing up, you were growing up. Every day you lived for you, you struggle for your life, whether you were rich or not. Because those are the kids who bought those little half-of-fag suits where those kids

that had the flammable fucking Batman suits and shit. The kids that just put like, I put a sheet out of my head one year and you, you know, whatever. Everybody's a fucking ghost. I'm a loser. One year I was a garbage man One year I was a fucking The boy shit, you know I'm a fucking stoonan

But yeah You put a sheet over your head With a fucking hanger around your neck You know like a fucking moron Yeah like an Italian nun Yeah So that that's what you know So that was the fucking story

I dressed up I probably got dressed up Fucking four times In 54 fucking years Yeah I wasn't a big Halloween dude That dressing up shit scares me Yeah

This week scares the shit out of me. Really? Fucking Wednesday's deal, a little mortos. Dude, I went this weekend, Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Yeah, you people do it

the white way. You go up there, you think somebody's gonna come out with a boo mask on. I think, I go deep into the voodoo world. Do you know what I go deep? I don't like candles.

I put a cigar out. I'll probably put some Cuban food out for these fucking spirits this week and drum him crazy. I got some guineas on there. I got to take care of it. I got to get a meatball from them from rails or something.

I got some Irish people. I got to put a shot of whiskey. You got the altar. You got to have the fucking altar for your people who fucking kept you alive over the years. Dude, a lot of... I got Balzano, Rago, Dominic Special. I got fucking... Jesus, my mother, my father, my godmother.

I got Zerrida. My stepfather, he could burn in hell. I don't give a fuck about that. Oh, come on, dude. Yeah, I don't toast them for dick anymore. I used to toast them with a donut or something. You could just toast so many people. You know what I'm saying?

I got people. and left him running. I got Ralphie now. I got to get a picture of Ralphie and put like a fucking jalapeno popper. Out of respect for that fucking cocksucker left me here with these fucking Gentiles. Couto-cow. I had a rough time

after the other night's podcast because he showed up to the office the other night Wednesday night. We heard the horn go, blah, blah, blah. We were talking about him. We were talking about him. I go, you know who gave us that Lee? That speaker? He gave it to me. Look how long ago.

It was by that company that you get a magazine. Sharp image. Sharp image. I got that in my house on a box. I didn't even know what the fuck it was. I go, honey, I got this in the mail. She goes, Ralphie sent it to you. It's an iPad.

iPod charger. I still got the, I'm so old school. I still got that iPod. I brought that here because the speakers are sensational. And right as we were talking about it, you felt like a little breeze. And all of a sudden I could feel, I could just remember him.

He was just there three fucking weeks ago, four weeks ago, there. And the fucking Mexican fruit guy came and he goes, ba-p-pah-pap-pap. And Ralphie always would go, pinga papaya, pina, p pita. For years, Ralphie's been saying that shit whenever you play that

and do that. First of all, everything he said is exactly how it went down, but also we're here every night. That truck, that sound is never here. Wow. It's always, it's... He came by to say goodbye. That's reality, guys. They stick around for 30 days. They just

don't go into fucking the next image. They want to see your friends one last time and touch you. And listen, bro, I had a friend Jimmy Burkle that I loved. And I never forget getting a call from him on that Friday. He was in the hospital already. And he was like, Cokes, what's happening? And I could tell him his voice. He was done.

He would wrestle with cancer for two years. And I never forget getting a call that Sunday saying he died Sunday morning. And fucking, he was saying goodbye. man. When Carmine Balzano died, I missed his call. When I called him back, he was dead. Wow. A day later, Frankie called. He goes,

yeah, your phone, you just called him. He must have just gone to the bathroom, got up, and died of a heart attack. Damn. They call you to say goodbye. Everybody says goodbye, believe it or not. They all say goodbye in their own way. And if you talk to people who've had somebody die recently,

give them 30 days. They give you a signal before they Just to let you know that they got you back. It's the weirdest thing about life. Yeah, I believe that, man. They'll give you, and I know it sounds crazy. I'm talking about flatter, or whatever. I'm talking about the spiritual world.

I was raised in it, so I get it. I believed that my dad opened up a lot of doors for me and closed a lot of doors. I was there a lot of nights, man, when I had a lot of choices to run. And I always made the right choice. If not I wouldn't be in this fucking chair. something makes you make the right choice.

Yeah. Something. Something, everything in life sometimes you ever, you ever watch that voice, the movie The Shining? Yeah. The Shining when Scatman Brothers talks to a little boy

and he explains to him that everybody hears that voice. That's called the show. You don't remember that? I don't remember that part. I got to go watch it again. I only seen it one time because I saved a lot of movies. Put on the Shining.

Scatman Brothers talks to a little boy. Yeah. And you'll see you got 15 minutes. We got to get your. out of here so I ended you with a bang. You traveling playing? What am I doing? Me? In my world brother, you're going to be one of the next

fucking top fucking comics in this country and I tell you this as your older brother and I got no jealousy. I wish you all you stay on the right track. Tell you age it to push you out from more movies and TV. Yeah. Start fucking around. If you want to be a host go somewhere, go to Germany and host Nazi videos and make real money.

I appreciate it. man, you always are so supportive, man. Your fucking agents. It's like sending you out to acting to build your little acting resume. Yeah. You're going to stay on the road to your 90s, so you might as well take a gamble. You know, look at the paycheck from the acting and go, why am I going to do this, Uncle Joey?

Because they might like it, and they might use your six times this winter. It's not a lot of money, but now you're building credibility. And next year, NBC thinks of you for this new fireman show. They're looking for a handsome guy from the South. And bang, there you go. Oh, Jed's a millionaire. So now what do you shoot? 10 episodes?

You're going to get rich? Not really. But you got comedy in your building. And you get your podcast and you got Twitter. You're very fun. You know, it all comes at you. Yeah. I know you're on the road killing.

I hear people fucking love you. Staying busy, man. You got to figure out how to get them on Thursday night to suck your little nutsack. That's what I'm saying, bro, because I'm bringing my nuts. I see you at the store. Here, put that on the top. You never saw this, did you?

Yeah, I did. No, you didn't, no. You didn't, Coxson. I don't lie to tell you a girlfriend to watch this scary shit. Is that Arsenio? It is. It is, Lee. No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. It was this haircut. Do you know how I knew your name was Doc? What I'm talking about, don't you? My grandmother and I could hold conversations entirely without ever opening our mouths. She called it shiny. Mm. And for a long time, I thought it was just a true.

two of us that had to shine to us. Just like you probably thought you was the only one. But there are other folks, though mostly they don't know it or don't believe it. This white kid doesn't trust him, huh? No, he knows what the fuck he's saying? Because nobody talks to this kid like that. Why don't you want to talk about him?

I'm not supposed to. Who said you ain't supposed to? Tony. Hmm. He's a little boy that lives my mouth. Damn. Nope. Just tone of the one that tells you things?

Yes. It's like I go to sleep. And he shows me things. But when I wake up, I can't remember everything. What's the matter? Lee, turn it off. He's getting nervous. When you were a kid, everybody has an imaginary friend.

That friend is an ancestor talking to you. You're talking to your ancestors. You never even know it. You don't even need to go on Ancestry.com. And as you grow up, that's your confidence, man. Yeah. It's kind of weird.

It's a weird fucking thing because I see it now with Mercy when I talk to her. She's four and fucking, it's going to be five in two months. You see the whole thing. You know what's the matter? You don't like those type of movies?

No, I don't like those type of movies. They make you nervous? Yeah, well, they play that fucking music to make you nervous. Yeah. And then it's talking about, fucking craziness but even back then

race relations wasn't that good even if you watch that fucking video you know what I'm saying that's a great fucking movie and that movie that's a real movie because it scares the fuck out of you without scaring the fuck out of you yeah that's a real director right there that's a film that

you know they'll watch generations in film school and go out and he scare you without scaring you he doesn't fuck with you till the end who's the director of that I think he's got to be Stephen King. Stephen King.

Yeah, he's the massive disaster. Stephen King is the writer. Whatever the fuck. You know what I'm saying? Stuck, sucker. Could have been Kubrick? I don't know. I could have been one of those crazy motherfuckers.

You know what I'm saying? Where are you going to be New Year's Eve? Me? Nowhere, man. You're still open? I got one set. Yeah, I got one. I'm going to be in Huntsville, Alabama, in November,

16th, 18th, and 19th. You fly into fucking that's it. You have to fly into Nashville? I don't know yet. You have to fucking look. I think you have to fly into Nashville and connect. You get a rental car. I heard that, yeah, that's why.

If you have to get a rental car, I don't know if I'm going to Huntsville. I might just get one in. I got family down there, so. Yeah, I don't like driving those fucking distances when I don't know where the fuck I'm going. Yeah, it's probably about a three-hour drive, I'm guessing from one of the big airports. Yeah, that's fucked up. They got an airport and shit. You know, I got a fucking Lexington.

They got an airport. Oh, I like Lexington. I love Lexington. I love Lexington. That club's great, right. I still got the leak in the ceiling over there. The club is great. The food is great.

Yeah, it's good. The fucking town is beautiful, man. It's a cool town. People think it's not, man. It's diverse. It's cool. It's hip. Me and my wife been thinking about a lot of things.

I love it. You get you some horses out there. I like the fucking south, man. I still want to raise my daughter in some place where it's fucking normal. Yeah. Nashville's good, man. I mean, I think Ralphie was on to something with Nashville. Nashville is a beautiful place.

I know. I know. I know the Ralphie was definitely on to something. A million dollars you get your beautiful place out there. And you're in it out of that. Yeah. A million dollars. For a million dollars out there, that comes to two butlers.

One of them is naked. Yeah. One of them rubs you down, sticks a finger in your ass, wipes your ass, you got a bell in your bathroom. Yeah. Imagine having a bell in your bathroom and somebody comes in without a fucking mask on it and just wipes your face like a soldier with a smile on their face. Without a fucking mask on.

Have you seen the YouTube video of Lee and out of the space? Have you seen it yet? Lee, put it on for you, boy, just so you can take a look at this thing. Can't handle it. When he first saw it, he said, there goes my job career. Well, yeah, I have my whole phone name in. I'm gonna get some of... Who gives a fuck?

What do you mean, who gives a fuck? Go about a muscle hamster, bro. Listen, you're 29. Snoop Dog became a legend from smoking. Snoop Dog never had a video like this come out. Yes, he did. That's it. Bro, you're the fucking human pectoral, bro.

You are one of the funniest dudes around Lee. I fucking listen. Yeah you are, Lee. You're an angel, bro. I picked you from the fucking choir. From the depths, bro. Because I knew it. I looked at you, and I knew you were shy, the whole fucking deal.

And I knew you just needed somebody to push you over the cliff. And you're changing. You're growing up. I can give some shoutouts right here. My buddy, hold on. My brother, Matt Holmeyer, having a hard time over there, putting the pieces together. Dennis Hyde, my little brother and nephew, Bob Lillinger.

Nicky Campus Life Mickey Chaps Holla Z Alex Nicky Shades Fat Chris Blowchair and Kaylee You know I love you motherfuckers

Don't forget The Funny Bone Omaha Thursday Friday Saturday And don't forget I told you this one Don't forget I told you Got them four shows Me and Dean Del Rey

Friday Friday the 10th and Saturday 11th don't fuck around Anyway You got any dates promote my brother. I got it. Drop one on me. Dropping on these people.

This is the church. I got it, baby. They want to see you, baby boy. Let's do this shit. Coming to confess, baby. I got November 16th through the 19th at Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama. There you go, right there. Come on support this service.

Let them know you're part of the church. Don't dose him. He's family. Yeah. Keep it low. And I'm in Calgary, December 1st. If you got an AA book, give it to him. Go ahead, underline the evils.

What else? Hit me where it hurts. And then you're in Calgary. And I'm in Calgary. December 1st and I got my podcast this past weekend that you can check out when you're done checking out Joey.

For you comics, start struggling with any addiction. Think about this young man. Hit me up. He took over, he banged the fucking stripper in a cab and he changed his life. He went to church.

He met a friend. They went together and looked at him 18 months. He looks good. He's still funny. A lot of people think if I, if I stop getting drunk, my friends won't like me

at the open mic, then you need new fucking friends. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? This is it right here. Be yourself. And he did it in the major leagues. If you're in the minor leagues and you're having a hard time,

just think of fucking this fucking savage. He did it and stuck to it. This is a handsome guy. If I look like him, I'd be having threesomes every night. Oh, man. One eight ball every hour on the hour from 10 to 12. Drop it off in the fucking male slot.

You know what I'm saying? I'd beat my own ass. Hold on to the dog. I don't want to meet the eight ball. It'd be that type of party. What else, dog? Anything else you want to draw? Not much, man.

I just love you. Watch, look at Lee's... I love you and appreciate you. I got to scoot, too. Look at this fucking beauty right here. Look at this. Look at this. I mean, Molly.

89? No, Radey. Look at the guy playing the ad drugs. And Lee just panics. Look at them. That's Lee panicking right there. No, no, not yet. He can't handle it.

Not yet. Not yet. He's moving around. He's frigging. he's Oh my God Lee's He takes a breath

The fresh air He pulled him He bumped him Oh, Lee, man Look at Paul Lee again Now he's coming to Kind of

He looks at the eye He looks at the eye He's fucking Buzz Aldrin out there brother Oh, you made my day, Lee. Every time I see you, you make my day, Lee. Look at him, please.

Oh, my goodness. We told him as Lisa. I got to go. I love you at all my heart, my brother. Love you too, man. You know the gate, how they get out, right? Yeah, thank you for everything. Lee, thank you so much, man.

Love you, buddy. That's you too, man. Be good. You're doing a good job. You know, I love you, motherfucker. Hold on. Go ahead. You're going to run out of here.

Yeah, actually, 10-15. I realize it. No, no, no, bro. Go do your thing. I appreciate it. Thank you for coming by. You know, I love you. I love you. Same here, brother. You're doing your fucking thing.

Well, look, I appreciate the support. If you ever need anything for me, I'm here for you. Come on, though. You know, your fucking family here. This is how we do it on the fucking church. On a beautiful Monday. That's how you start off a fucking Monday, people. You're people going to wake up today. You were feeling hoop-dupt-de-duop.

I had a long weekend. I took my kid. Listen, it's fucking hard work. We all know what we signed up for. I'm working more hard. I'm working harder at 54. leave the door open then when I was a fucking burglar

you know what I'm saying when I was a burglar life was fucking easy now I gotta get up and re-born it and really steal with three fucking hands so like I said before

think of this poor bastard he used to be out seven nights a week in the Hollywood game looking to me sober he looks fucking great he's always got a story for you and that's the way

we fucking do with you on the church what's happened now before you get out of here let me read you something real quick let me tell you about a little something

and then we'll get you the fuck out of here, tip-top, McGu. I'm not gonna hold you up. There's a bunch of podcast you want to listen to. Who the fucking mind? Who the fucking mind? Anyway, like I told you at the beginning of the fucking show, all right? There's not a lot of things I like and I believe in. Lee was on it. I was on it. You know, Lee really stuck to it for a long time. I mean, he still, I think he just got another shipment. A blue-up. I have another shipment coming in. My dad does it every week. The dad still lives on it. You're single. You don't want to shop. You're Listen, four days a week, you go on Blue Apron, three days a week.

It comes to your house right to your door, you pull it in, you take it out of the box, in there comes all the stuff you need to make the recipe. They give you a card with how to do it. And each meal, come on, 40 minutes, 50 minutes, you take a shower and bam, your meal is settled, you're ready to go. That's what Blue Apron's all about, because you choose from a variety of new recipes each week. or you let Blue Apron's culinary team surprise you. Recipes are not repeated within a year,

so you'll never, ever, ever get bored. You customize your recipes each week based on your preferences, so Blue Apron has several delivery options so you can choose what fits your needs, and there's no weekly commitment, so you only get deliveries when you want them. Each meal, listen, comes with a step-by-step, easy-to-follow recipe card,

proportioned ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. Do you know that? 40 minutes or less, Blue Apron's freshness guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arrives ready to cook or they'll make it right. Check out this month's menu. They got sweet pepper chicken with bok choy and rice. Do you know how to make bok choy?

No, you don't. This is your opportunity to learn. You ready for this one? Black bean and cheese tortures. Jesus, with roasted broccoli and lime, sour cream. Do you know how to make that? No, you don't. How about this?

How about, listen to, shrimp and pesto, Fetucciti with spinach. There's a 30-minute meal. And a customer's favorite, Seared chicken, roasted four vegetables with caper butter, pan sauce. There you're sitting there. What am I going to have for dinner?

Blue Apron. That's what you're going to have for dinner. Here's what I'm going to do for you with savages. What do you think you hang out with Uncle Joey? Because I'm some moot from the other side. No, because I'm hooking you up, Savage, okay? I told you, check out this week's menu. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to get you $30 off your first meal.

And that comes to your house, free shipping. Did I tell you that already? Free shipping. You go to blueapen.com slash Joey. Check out the menu. You're going to love how good it tastes. You're going to love how good it feels. and you're going to love to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron.

So don't wait right now. You want to save money. Blue Apron.com slash Joey. It's a better way to cook. Blue Apron.com. You're going to tweet me and go, Joey, I'm living like a doctor over here. Number two, listen, Thanksgiving's coming. You've been single for a long time.

You don't smell. You got a nice job. You got a little bit of credit. You owe your father 2000, but who cares? You know, you're waiting from the punch a ticket anyway. You want to look good. You want to feel comfortable. That's how come you got to have me and these.

Meandis makes feel good on these. Your butt will be proud to wear. Don't be the most comfortable pair underway you'll ever own. And to check it out yourself. Go to meandies.com slash joj, joey, with tons of styles and patterns from camouflages to polka dots. You choose from both men and women. Miandis will have the perfect fit for you or your personality.

You follow me? The Miandi's feeling is unmatched because they're naturally soft fabric that is three times softer than cotton. Now, for a limited time only, check out Miandis first ever glow in the dark print. Joey, what are you talking about? Glow in the dark print, Joey, you must be kidding me. Glow in the dark print. Lights out. Why not update your underwear drawer?

and glow at the same time. Can you imagine you meet a girl, your dreams, you meet around that tender stuff, you come out of the bathroom, you got glow on the dark underwear, it's dark with a candle on? Who's talking about Halloween here? Miondi's, that who?

And if underwear isn't your thing, Mionys always makes the softest socks in the world. Listen, like I told you for years, I've been using Mionis, especially when I go to Jiu-Jitsu, especially when I have short time. Why? Because it's hot.

and you want to have Laminkia nice and soft. Correct the Mundo? Correct the Mundo. So what happens is you don't have no moisture down there. You don't smell like a billy goat. It draws away from everybody and everybody's happy. Go to Mionis. Give them a try.

What I'm going to do for you is this. I'm going to get your 20% off the best and softest underwear and socks you'll ever own. Free shipping and 100% satisfaction guaranteed from your uncle Joey. It's the holidays, bitches. to meyondies.com slash joey right now. That's meondies.com. 20% off the best and softest underwear and socks you'll ever

own free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to meandes.com slash joey. Stay black. Thank you very much to my main man, Theo Vaughn, who had to do a spot at the comedy store. But thank you very much for you, savages. We'll be back Tuesday or Wednesday. I've made up my mind.

But if I don't talk to you, happy Halloween, you bad motherfuckers. And I want to thank my main man, the main Christ killer of life, my little brother, Lee Syatt, for always showing up and dropping knowledge. Love you, buddy. And his Uncle Joey.

And that's it, and that's that. I want to thank Blue Apron one more time. I want to thank Meandis. I want to thank you motherfuckers for listening. I'm going to drop a little something on you from Willie Cologne, Hector LeVoe, off the album, not cave, whatever.

It crime pays. Blast this motherfucker Lee. I love you, cock suckers. See you guys in Omaha, Nebraska, or the following week at Gotham. Oh shit. Puerto Ricans old school.