The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #532 - Rick Ramos

Episode Date: November 9, 2017

Rick Ramos, a stand up comedian, actor and the host of the "Watch This with Rick Ramos" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   Recorded live on 11/07/2017.

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clean throughout the whole jingle bell process. All right. Hello, Tushy.com right now. Lee, kick this fucking meal. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's a church of what's happening now, cock suckers. Oh shit.

November 8, 2017. Kick that meal, Lee. Let's do this shit. Yes, I did. Bamp, b'b, b'am. Yeah, they're all dancing. and moving to the groove and just went it hit me

somebody turned around and shouted play that fucking music wise boy are you fucking nuts crash that fucking car right into the wall it's fucking Wednesday slinging dick

and giving out fucking roller skates Are you fucking kidding me that's how you got a party started you know what I'm saying You want to play that shitty music You've been listening to all your life And that's why you're stuck with shitty friends and flies and shit.

You gotta start your parties off with this song. Play that fucking music, white boy. Rick Ramos, the movie fucking entrepreneur, connoisseur. This guy knows more about movies than you'll ever fucking dreamer knowing. And my main man, the Christ killer, it's this high time of the year. You can knock on his door, there's no Halloween.

He gives you a $5 a bill. Jesus is coming. Jesus is dead, and he ain't coming back. You understand? I think I get the $5 bill. Why am I giving out $5? Because you're Jewish. It's good luck.

You give somebody a Finn. We also have a beautiful guest in studio. Over here, a fucking apprentice, learning a podcast name, my dear friend. And that's it. Rick Ramos, a fucking pleasure to see you.

Oh, it's a thrill to be here. Happy birthday. Thank you very much. What did you turn to the other day? I turn 43. Jesus. God damn.

I came out here. I was 24. 24. You've been here 21 years? Yeah, 19, 19 years. Jesus Christ. You know? What would you have done?

this fucking sentence. I don't know what the fuck else. I don't know. I don't know what the hell else I can do. You went a nice boy. You went to Chicago. I went to Chicago. Yeah.

You were a lit major. You're going to write the world on fire. No, I started drinking with the Koreans and got all fucked up. That's what happened, you know? Went to the fucking dark place and just decided I was going to, I was going to dedicate myself to movies,

and that's what it is, you know? It's crazy that we're very tight. We have a couple bonds because of the comedy story. We have bond because of a dear friend that passed. On my birthday. anniversary 10 years. Nobody remember that little candle. I fucking blew some cigar smoke at a picture.

You know what I'm saying? The refreshing of the spirits and shit. She was beautiful. She was beautiful. I'd laugh about it once a week store. I still sit there and go, oh my God, if she would have been around my daughter, she would have called her a bunch of fucking names and shit

and said stuff. And there's nothing I could have done because that's the way she was. Oh, Joey. I just remember, I would be, it would be 2 o'clock in the morning. I'd be at my place. I'd have to teach kindergarten the next day, and the fucking phone would ring. And I knew two o'clock in the morning, that's her.

I pick it up, and she was like, put it on Jerry Springer. And there's a giant fat lady with a really tiny, skinny guy who's her boyfriend, and we would just spend the next hour laughing our asses off, screaming into the phone as they showed this fat lady on her honeymoon in Hawaii, trying to parisail and shit like that.

And she was just fucking ridiculous. She was the hardest friend. that I've ever had. You know what I mean? I loved her and couldn't stand her at the same time. When I first started dating my wife. Yeah. I remember she called the house from that three in the morning.

And I was in the bathroom doing blow hiding, and the phone kept ringing and ringing and ringing. And my wife picked it up and Maryland goes, Cocksucker. And my wife just looked at me and she goes, it's for you. And the next morning my wife sat me down. We've been dating like maybe four months.

And she goes, ah, these people. Who are these people that call you and call you a cock suck at 4 in the morning? And it was her. She called you four in the morning, cocksucker. What are you doing? What the fuck you think I'm doing? Snort and Coke looking out of the window. You got to wake up everybody, including the fucking cats.

Call me tomorrow. And the husband, Dave, was great. You know, I miss them. It's funny because I didn't go to Ralphie's Memorial because of what I hired I acted in Maryland's Memorial. You acted perfectly within. I go. I hate those events because my temper. Yeah.

And I always go off and I knew if I went to Ralphies, I was going to go off on somebody. Yeah. And I kept thinking about Maryland. And Maryland is the one that drove me to Ralphies. Marilyn Martinez was responsible for introducing me to Ralphie Mae because Marilyn called me and said, what are you doing? Are you home alone? Why are you home alone?

Ralphie Mae is staying with Joy Medina. Over at Alex Raymundo's all play. I live there too. Yeah, you lived there now? I lived there for about a year. Yeah. Back in, God damn, 2000. I lived there, too.

I lived there, too. And he goes, he cooked. His kid, Ralphie Mae, cooked a bunch of food. Yeah. Go over there. And I was like, Ralphie Mae, the fat kid? I'm Texas? I don't know.

I don't know him. And they go go over there. And I went over there. It was like, Thanksgiving. It was something weird. And Ralphie cooked a fucking spread. Yeah. You know, it was his first L.A. spread.

Like, Ralphie came to L.A. And he was a fat dude. Yeah. It's funny, but I'm also going to teach you motherfuckers how to cook. Yeah. And he made this phenomenal spread, and that's when I became. He broke the futon. Yeah.

It was a futon. I remember. He broke that futon. And we became dear friends, you know, from that thing. I went over there on a holiday, and he made me feel like fucking, I wasn't the deadbeat that I was. The guy had a lot of heart, man, and he, you know, he wanted to open up his home to everybody because he liked the company, you know? Well, he was at home with us because, because that. Then from Joey's, Doug Stanhope had an apartment on Curzon that was rent control for $620.

If you go two blocks down from Curzon on 7-Eleven and look up, Doug Stanhope's still the man. He owns that apartment. He still rents it. He sub-leases it, but it's still his. He'll never give it up because it's $600 in Hollywood and it's got a garage. Oh, shit. So his friend, I think it's Andy Andres,

I think that's the guy, had an apartment on Schrader. No, no, no, no. Wherever the fuck, Ralphie ended up moving into it. That was originally Doug Stanhope's buddy's apartment that had moved to Alaska. So Doug Stanhope would just go over there to have parties and threesomes and crazy shit when he was dating the girl with the red hair so they wouldn't find him. So he would have that apartment as a fucking other apartment. So they wouldn't find him.

That's where he would disappear at that. So it was two blocks away. So he lived on Curzon. Sierra Bonita was Mitch Headberg and Nick the Palo. And then the next block was this kid, whatever. Once he left, Doug told Ralphie he could stay in there temporarily until this kid came back as long as he paid rent. Yeah. So that was the deal.

The kid said, so now Ralphie ended up in our neighborhood, which was that Nick and all those guys. and I lived on Vista with Josh Wolf. That's how I met Ralphie through Marilyn Martinez. I think I spent more holidays with Ralphie and Marilyn Martinez in all those years. And I did one year we went up there and we ate the mushrooms. And we gave Marilyn the mushroom and I ate the bag and I went down there and the whole room was purple. And she kept telling me, Johnny, this room is fucking purple. And I go, you're telling me, I was on stage.

You're talking to the wrong fucking dude. But I miss Maryland It was magic though man She was just like She was like a force of nature And I remember You know I used to go on the road with her

I still remember her calling me In that fucking town Corpus Christi We did a Mexican drug dealer's bar And they paid me in her well And then we went up to my hotel And she called me like an hour later She goes Joey

Did he give you coke? And I go no She's looking for you He gave me like an a Coke. And he's looking for you. He wants to give you a bag of Coke, too. I said, let me call you right back.

I went right downstairs, took the bag of coke from the owner, and then went up to... Put the bat signal in the sky. I can't find this motherfucker. Because me and Maryland got caught doing all those Mexican rooms to God. Yeah, yeah. We were going on the road together. Did he know he was a drug dealer at the time? Huh?

Did he know he was a drug dealer already? We had an idea. All those gigs in South Texas, all those gigs in those days. It was crazy because they put you in Maryland together because you were the two dirtiest. Dirty his comics. And nobody wanted to follow either of them. Yeah. So they just said, put them together.

Yeah. Me, her and Jeff Garcia would go on the road a lot. And she would do like Jeff was like her little son. Like a little son. Yeah. But I never forget, Lee, you would have dug her, okay, like her and I had to go somewhere one time like San Antonio for a one night. And I wasn't hip to this.

I'm not hip to this. Even today, I learned from people. You know, you go on the road. What do you bring your clothes? You bring your toenail polish, right? You blow dryer. This bitch. showed up in her room with a cooler the size of this table her and her husband were carrying it in like a body from the airport no they built they would drive they would drive everywhere they drove every everywhere if you had to go to jersey they would meet you in jersey they would as you got off the plane they were fucking they were pulling up they were pulling up and they'd have a cooler and I'm not exaggerate it was half the length of this table was one of those old ingloos oh yeah the red with the red yeah yeah and they would carry it up and they would carry it up a cooler and they would carry it up a cooler

it into the room and in that bag like that's how they saved money I never knew about saving money like there were a couple that weren't rich and they were frugal but they were proud to be frugal because they shared with you so in that thing was 2,000 pounds worth of food tamales peanuts licorice fucking sodas diet sodas waters she called you and go john we come on over to my room we have snacks and you go over there and you felt You felt the weird, like I was talking about Kentucky last night. People, that's what you felt like. Yeah.

Like they smuggled drugs with them on this road trip, and they were sharing them with you. She had the biggest heart in the world. She was just, she loved and cared. I mean, she would lose it on you, but goddamn, when she, when her heart was there, I mean, there was this, she called, she visited me in Phoenix when I was, when I was visiting my parents. And, you know, like with you calling and yelling cock stuck her into the phone. I wasn't home. The phone rings. My dad picks it up.

My old man sounds like me on the phone. He's like, hello. And she goes, baby cock sucker. And my dad just pauses for a minute, goes, yeah, baby cock suckers not here right now. This is Daddy Cock Sucker. And she was just like, um, um, I'm just like, she was fucking great. They met her later that night. She dug a hole even deeper for itself.

She was like, I call him baby cocksucker because we have a friend Joey Diaz and He's cock sucker. And David is telling her, just shut the fuck up. You know, she didn't give a fuck. She was wonderful, you know. And it was like, she was my first friend in L.A. When the Latino Locoslam flew me in from Seattle to showcase here. And I populated the money and just drove with my friend Rod Long.

Me and Rod Long, they drove tickets. We pocketed the money they gave me for the flight and a hotel. And you want me to tell you something? You'll tell you where I stayed? Where did you see? Maybe four blocks from here. For right, this office. When I first came to LA to showcase

for Latino Laugh Festival, I stayed close to the Japanese restaurant. We went to the Japanese restaurant when they jump up and down on the tables on Lancash and what's the name of that place? It's a sushi place, yeah. Yeah, the sushi's horrifically bad. It's terrible.

Yeah. But they jump on the table and they fucking, the waiter's karaoke on the table. You never took your mother, Italy? No, I've heard about it, but there's a weird, like there's only a couple seatings, and you always have to wait a line outside because there's the show. You see the line.

You can't have that, Lancashire. Yeah. I went there the first time. That was my first dinner in Los Angeles, and then we stayed by the YMCA. In between those things, the guy, I still see him. His name is Cal. He was a longtime writer on Mad TV, and I see him at the Y, still today. once I bump into his kids go to the YMCA so I bump into him there

but that's where I stayed the same neighborhood that's what's so weird it's yeah you don't get you don't ever get away from it you know and I went down to Hollywood and I was at the Latino laugh factor was standing there shit in my pants off at the laugh factory for Latino on the Monday night 1996 yeah 96 97 somewhere on there she came up to me she goes you joined the answer I'm from Denver and Colorado Spring Pueblo but that's what bonded the two of you because that cock suck drove you, drove both of you guys crazy. He treated you like shit. He wouldn't give you the spot, right?

He would tell you, you guys are too dirty. You were young comics. You kind of took it seriously. And then he did a dirty show anyway. Okay. So the first year of Latino Laugh Festival belonged to the dead comic. God bless his soul. Greg Geraldo.

It was a setup for Greg Haraldo. Greg Haraldo got the special and the TV show from the Latino Laugh Festival. So the second year grew bigger So his tentacles reached out So I'm in fucking Seattle I'm on stage I ain't bothering nobody Night before Thanksgiving

We're doing a big show me Josh Wolf Gavin Brody Tana Manoo You know whoever Kelly Moran were doing this huge show And after the show Ron Reid comes up to me He goes hey man

Jeff Valdez in the audience He wants to talk to you So he goes you're perfect for my show Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Okay pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, we'll love you.

We're going to fly you down there. We're going to call you. He called, but it was five months later. Yeah. And they flew me down. I came down and did the showcase. I was first. They don't put you for, yeah.

On a fucking Monday night. Yeah. So I died. I ate a bag of dicks. I got back in the fucking car. I drove back to Seattle. I forgot. I wasn't, you know, it was my first time.

I didn't really expect anything, but I did. My feelings were a little hurt. Yeah. Your feelings get just a little hurt, and then I just went back to the drawing board, and then they called again the second year. Yeah. And they wanted to tape this time.

Mm-hmm. And I went to all extent, like I borrowed money to put this tape together. Yeah. And I sent it, and they signed for it on a Wednesday, and on Thursday my manager called, whatever, Ron Reed called. I didn't even have a manager. I was still in Seattle,

and they said, no, can do. Too dirty for a festival. If he cleans it up next year, we'll take a look at him. The situation sped up. I move here. Yeah. I meet Maryland. Me and Maryland Connect.

Latino Lafastersry showcase. We showcase at the county store when the guy ran Latino night on Sunday nights, and he made you wear a suit with a tie. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the Joey Diaz pulled me over. I had to go to that second-hand store on Melrose and buy, like, a tuxedo and shit like that, the white shirt. So the showcase comes up.

They showcase. They love us. The only problem were too dirty. Yeah. We're going to showcase you again Monday night at the Latino Lafaxx

on Monday night. Me and Maryland go down there. They showcase us again. Now, guys, I'm telling you about you being a young comic. You're not looking to become a millionaire or to be a star. You're just looking for the first step.

You just want the shot. You just want the shot, okay, guys. So I show up for the second show. This is the third year in a row I'm showcasing. Now they told me I'm too dirty to work my set clean. So I cleaned it up as much as I could I took all the fucks out of it

And anything in that range out of it I think I said a shit And they said no No shit Okay Which was crazy because it was showtime Okay and then we went back to fucking the comedy store And they showcased us again

And they said we still don't know Me or Maryland were fucking livid And then we end up going to the improv On like a Wednesday night And they showcased me and Maryland And the rule is not one fucking curse word. Don't say not even,

what's the heck? Hell? Hell, don't say nothing. We want the thing to be TV fucking clean. And we worked it. I mean, guys, you know how hard it was for me? Oh, yeah. To do fucking seven minutes, spotless clean at that time.

It was torture, but I did it. Was the set funny? Was it going to get me an HBO special? No. That didn't matter. I just wanted to be a part of a festival, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay.

he strings us out to the week before or two weeks before the festival, then he cancels me in Maryland. He goes, no go this year. But then the following week, he does something. And I don't know how this feels to you people, but this is how it felt to me. He added a blue de show on Saturday night in San Antonio. The midnight show at that time was a blue show,

which means it's a triple-X show. So they added that to the festival. and still didn't invite me in Maryland. That's how I would look at that. I mean, there's no way, you know? I mean, this is a guy who, and he was fucking with you guys. So once he said this all went down on a Friday, I know for a fact that little chubby Mexican, her feelings were hurt.

My feelings were hurt, but I kept it together. I knew the animal I was dealing with, and I knew how the attitude was going to be from now on with these fucking douchebacks. Personally, and I tell you this right here on this podcast, if anybody knows it was talking to her, I was not mad at Pat Buckles at all. No. I love Pat Buckles today more than what I did back then.

So my beer, and even though I haven't seen him in three years, I had no beef with Pat Buckles at the time. She was the casting director of the Latino laugh factory, the festival. So for us to do, she made us do a clean set, and then the week before the festival, they throw a midnight blue on Latino style. And it was three dirt, clean comics working dirty. Which is not.

So I was over it. Like I was over it that week. It took me a night of snorting cocaine and maybe bump it into a victim. And I was over it. I never repeated it to nobody. I was not angry, nothing. That doesn't even make sense. Doesn't make fucking sense.

Now, we go to the comedy store Sunday night, me and Mal and giggle it off. Yeah. We have a few drinks. We go up. She goes home. Monday we go down there for the open mic. who do you think is down there walking around like Johnny LaBamba Jeff Valdez

because there was some type of music show across the street at the House of Blues so he walked in there like a fucking mafia leader with somebody else they walked in there super cool and you know what man was it that fucker that always got the business deal with uh I don't know I don't know he walked in with like two other dudes

And he walked in super cool and I caught him coming out and I said hey man So you added a fucking dirty shell and you didn't have us and he he made he said something Guys I didn't know what he said so I left it alone I wasn't angry I just knew the fucking animal I was dealing with and that was it. Yeah Now that was it a year later they're talking about the Latino laugh festival my phone doesn't ring I'm happy Boom I got a call You're in the festival. Yeah.

No showcase, no nothing. Say what you want. To do what you want. The damage was already done. So I know who this motherfucker is, but this is the funniest out of all the stories. So he calls me one day. Remember he was giving out TV shows? Yeah.

He put Marilyn on the show with little crazy kids. Him and her and Armando. Armando Casillo. And, yeah, they were like a bunch of white kids in the Mariguel. And they had to survive down there. Right. That's the, you know, yeah, I remember that. He paid Malin Peanuts.

Fuck, yeah. He paid Malin Peanuts. They sold this show. I get a call from him one day. They want to do something. And by this time, you know, you've had it with somebody. Like, I really don't want to do business with you. They call me for something.

I swear to God, they're like, listen, we'll give you $50. And I go, you know what, man? It's not even about the $50. I could use that $50 more than anybody in the world right now. I ain't working with you. Thank you. I hung up. And they called.

called back and I go, what would it take? Like, he knew that I had this certain attitude about him, about me, that I didn't want to, like, that's it, I was over it. You know what? We're even. So what? You came back and gave me a Latino laugh festival. Like, you tried to make it up. I still know the type of person

that you are. Yeah. So he gave me, and you know I never talked about money on this show. He gave me $50.buck, the offer. And when I told him to go fuck themselves, they called me back, and they gave me $1,000 for the same thing. And it was a tapered recording that's on YouTube today.

Yeah. Remember they had CTV? Yeah, I remember that. It was a show for CTV and somebody cut it and it's on YouTube today. I got to see that. It was like an interview and they gave me a thousand bucks, which, Jesus Christ, that was the car payment three months. Yeah. That was the coat dealer.

I was behind the month of the Coke dealer. You know, that was like fucking gigantic fucking money in 2002. 2002 or three. So I kept them a distance. And then they scheduled a big Latino. Laugh Festival for downtown LA. No, Hollywood. Remember the theater on the Ricardo Montauban theater?

Yes, the Ricardo Montemontana Theater. Yeah. And something. I forgot about that. So now they were charging $50 tickets. Right. But they were making offers that they would send a car to come get you. Since it was a festival, they weren't going to pay you.

They're doing theaters league and they weren't going to pay you. But they'll give you a ride there. They'll give you a ride there. They'll say, this is way about. before Uber that had a car service. And I kept saying no. I'm like, I'm not doing it. I don't care what money. Then they would throw money at you.

Okay, how about $100? Not really. How about $200 in a ride? How about $2.25 in the ride? I was, you know what? Not really. And guess what happened the day of the show? George Lopez, Rudy Moreno, and somebody else canceled. Because they knew, they knew this guy was robbing from them.

They all woke up and go, wait a second. What are we doing? Yeah. We're doing a 5,000-seat theater. for free for the name of the Latino laugh festival, which means Jeff Valdez's pocket. So now they fucking lost. They backfired on it.

So that was it. Everybody was even now. I remember that. Everybody's even now. Fuck everybody. Everybody's even. Jeff is cool. Bubba is cool.

But then something else happened. And it was something with Marilyn and him. Something about money. At the end, he owed her for two shows. And he said the two shows weren't going to sell. And I did, you know what, Marilyn, You know when people call you? You ever have that girlfriend that keeps getting beat up by the same boyfriend.

Yeah. And she calls every week. I'm going to leave him. After 10 years, after 10 years, you finally one day go, you know what, Ben? When you leave him, call me and hung up on them. It was one of those fucking deals where Maryland had had it with him. When that process, Marilyn fucking gets cancer. And then six months later, she fucking dies.

Remember that? So they have this big thing for her. And now, you know, I mean, I don't want to go into details, but they're a lot. There was people, there were certain people who said they were going to pay for her funeral. But if a certain other person was there, he wouldn't pay for the funeral. And when the guy showed up, it got really fucking ghettoish. Yeah. So I came back from New York, which was this weekend.

I went to do a benefit for a whole Boken police department, which they fucking booed me and hated me. And then I had to do a benefit. Oh, my God, it wasn't bad because they were undercover cops. I'm talking about drugs. And they were making them believe. They didn't know what I was talking about. And I finally go, you fucking by guys crazy or what? You guys thought more blow than I do.

Knock it off. And then I did something for the high school basketball team. And then I came back. I stayed sober that whole weekend. Yeah. The whole weekend, something was up in my world. Like, I was like, I got to stop doing drugs. And boom, that Saturday, Maryland died.

I fucking knew it. I got to get the fuck done. Thank God, I'm not getting high. And I came home. And that Tuesday, I had to go to Kempo Karate in Silver Lake, wherever I used to go, by the restaurant food. That's when you used to, with the brothers? Yes, with the brothers down there. And I fucking went.

Instead of going over and I was pissed because I didn't go to. The wake? No, I was pissed because I didn't go to Kung Fu. Oh, okay. Instead, I went to the church. Oh, God. Yeah, I remember that. I remember that.

As I was getting in my car, I saw Jeff Valdez there, and my demeanor changed. No, you, you were, as I got in the car, I sold that motherfucker there, and I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. After all the shit you put us through, you have the audacity to show up at the wake. And I wade, and I didn't say nothing. As I was leaving, four people that were, like, kind of enemies were walking in. Yeah. I didn't say a fucking word.

You held it together. That was the funeral. Yeah. You kept it together for the funeral. for the funeral. I went to the funeral and I kept them together but I left early.

Yeah. I could feel the kiss of death coming over me. I could tell that you were pissed. Yeah, I could see the kiss of death coming over. And I was sober for like five or six days. This was day number six.

I had to snort at no Coke. Somebody was going to die. Somebody was going to die. I had not done drugs. This was the longest I was ever sober from the time I went to prison, six days. And I was ready to crack.

And all I wanted to do was take a sleeping pill. I think in those days, I would drink half of the bottles of NyQuil guys. For me, that's the only way I could beat that addiction in the beginning. I would have to get a bottle of NyQuil, and drink half of it one night and a half of it the other, so I'd pass out good.

There's no way I'm going to wake up at 7 in the morning and snort Coke. That's never going to happen. So it would be another night. I would wake up and go, oh, thank God we got that NyQuil tonight. So for a week, I just drank NyQuil to make me. me fucking pass out. And that night I was, I said, you know what? I'm not going to fucking stay clean.

There's no ever. Yeah, but you didn't clean. You didn't fuck up until after the, after the incident, right? No, I didn't fuck up at all. Here's the deal. I fucking said, you know what? I'm going to go buy some Coke and come home. And that's it.

Who the fucking Mike kidding? I'm never going to stay sober. That's never going to fucking happen. And a friend of mine called and she goes, bro, are you going to Maryland's thing? And I really don't want to go down there. Yeah. And she didn't understand what I was, I didn't want to tell her.

Listen, if I go down there, I'm a snort cocaine. Yeah. So let me not go down there and not snort cocaine. Let me stay here in my fucking house. And I remember I fucking, she goes, you have to go. You have to go. You cannot, not go. She was your friend.

You have to go. And she put me together, and I was angry. And on the way there, I stopped by the fucking Martel cartel. And I bought a grandma blow. I said, I'm going to take some blow to this motherfucker. fuck it. And I went in there and I never forget that as I was going in there was a kid that kept trying

to do something like a project. And he kept trying to call me and there was no money involved and I didn't have the balls to tell him leave me to fuck alone that night at the bar before I went into that room he was there and he's like, hey man I've been trying to call you for a month and go get the fuck

away from me. I don't want to do your shitty fucking thing. And right there I knew it. I knew somebody was going to get stabbed or something. I didn't know who. I knew I was angry. I was angry about her dying. I was angry about not doing blow for six or seven days. I was angry about a lot of shit.

And next thing you know, I walked in that room and there was food in the back. Yeah, I remember that. Do you remember? They moved the tables around the main room and there was food in the back. And as I went back that it gets something to eat, I saw Jeff Valdez again, guys. And my temperature went from zero to 60.

Like everything bad that ever happened to me in my life was about to go down. And I remember walking out and going to the ball, and I never drink at 8 o'clock at night, especially without a line of Coke. I went in there, and I got a doer's on the rocks. And I drank it, and I was so angry, I could feel the doers going into my team. Like, guys, I don't know how angry. And it was the manifestation of the sorrow. That's all it was.

I was manifesting. Marilyn was our dead mother. She took care of us in so many ways. Thanksgiving, if you needed a place to stay. I mean, she was there. She was there. So it was just something really weird, but something happened that September on a Sunday when she got out of the hospital after she had all the surgeries for cancer, she was at her house. And they were trying to tape a documentary.

Yeah. Some people over there. That was people that were not going to, you know, but yeah. We went over there and they were trying to shoot a documentary. And I sat next to her on that little cancer bed. It was one of those hospital beds. Yeah, she was in the front room, right? the front room, the cats were there, the fucking TV was on, and she was not in the room, guys.

I mean, it was really sad, like when you could walk into a room and your best friend is lying on a bed, but you could see that something's not right. And we were talking, like, well, how are you feeling? And she was telling me that if God help her beat this, that she would go on stage and never be blue again, that that was her biggest mistake and that was her biggest sin, that she would do. never were dirty again, never say another word. And I'm, like, looking at it going, so I'll never hear a cocksucker from you. And she looked at me like stern, like, I'm not fucking around.

Yeah. And as we were talking, and I've told you this right, as we were talking, we were talking about something about, well, I'm going to have another surgery on Wednesday. And then if that works out, I'm going to come out and go to this place over here. They got a big fucking tamale. That's all, like, when she was talking to me that day, she was talking to me about food. Like, I could really go for a big fucking pork. taco from around the corner over there.

Yeah. In the middle of the conversation, she goes, Joey, you have to stop doing coke. Like she just said, I know, and everything stopped. And I told me, you know what? You're right. And she goes, no, you have to stop. She goes, God wants you to stop storing coke.

And I was like, this ain't good, man. That's a fucking message. She's never told me that. She used to hold my Coke. Yeah. With that whole Whitney Houston thing, that's who had my Coke. It was Maryland. I was giving her an eight ball a day.

Maryland had like 28 grams of the house or one fucking time. And she goes, when are you going to sell this? I'm not saying, I'm sending this for a big fucking party. And she goes, what type of party is this, Joey?

You got to stop doing that shit. But she never really. I remember calling that night and going, bring me the Coke. What do you do with it? I'm going to fucking do it. All of it. You can't, Joey.

What about Terry? Don't worry about Terry. So it's just weird that this connection, it was Marilyn, Ralphie, you know. It was such a weird connection, and now we're here alone. But used to remember her.

And nobody called me. Nobody said nothing to me about Maryland's 10th anniversary. I was creepy about it the last few days, just on my own. I found a picture, and I put it in my little fucking spirit altar. I got the little folder with her on the, you know, where it's red with the roses around her. And she's wearing that red dress that she wear. The red dress. And, you know, I look at it every once in a while.

She's the one that talked to sit in the weight wash. She got us down there. Joey, I went to the weight. You got to say I went to weight on this. Look at this dress. I fit in my dress again. I remember her and you standing out there, and this is when you used to just love to show your balls.

You would wear those pants, and they would just start. She would be talking, and everybody would be standing around, and she'd be talking, and the pants would start slipping and slipping and slipping. And we're losing our shit, and all of a sudden she'll just look down. Oh, Joey! Put that fucking thing away, Harvey minds. King Jr. She would say some fucked up

shit to people. We got a ticket one night. I mean, we went, we did, guys, I got to be, when you do comedy sometimes, you pick your friends and you just start doing these gigs together. And the gigs suck. But you have so much fun

because it's your friend and there's no pressure gigs. Like, my gig's now a pressure gig, I got to produce, guys. Those are pressure gigs. No pressure gigs, nobody gives a fuck. You get a quick $600, three drink tickets, and a dinner. And you know, like, it doesn't matter what house. And then it's you and her breaking Rudy's balls.

You would live to break Rudy balls. We go down there together and destroy his fucking. Rudy Moreno was the guy that he used to book the Commerce Casino. He also booked the bar. The Commerce Casino is a gambling joint off the five. Off the five, yeah. Off to five. Over the Citadel, yeah.

It's about 20 minutes from here to be honest. It's quick for me. Leave one a couple times. Every time you go play in there, you're fucking scared shitless. Because it's really owned by some mob. Yeah. How I know, because my friend is Filipino, and she applied for a job in there. And she didn't take it.

Yeah. They're fucking savages, those Filipinos. And she told me, she goes, no, no, no, no. This is mob stuff. And they got the best Chinese menu. Yeah, it's good. They got all types of food in there of the Asian. But fucking the Chinese food is fucking good down there.

And I don't go down there. You understand me? That's how it's fucked up down there. But he used to book that room for the small yardstick every Thursday. Yeah. He was getting $8,000 a week. And he would pay three comics $100. And he would clean up.

Fucking hilarious shit. He would run this other room, the Brave Bull. That had like three comedy rooms. Didn't she cause a riot in there one time? Yes, she caused the ride. This was a place that had like bull horns on the wall and shit. And they had three rooms. I'm sitting here laughing,

but you guys know I give a lot of credit about something. If it wasn't for Rudy Moreno in those days, I wouldn't be here. Yeah. Because Rudy Moreno, in those days, paid me every... There was a six-month stretch that me and him just had a mutual agreement. I'm coming down Friday and Saturday.

And I would play whatever room he had. Sometimes he'd have the big room down there. Sometimes you'd have the medium room. The big room had like a dead moose in the thing. I remember doing it with Pablo Francisco, 1997. But his best room was this back room. And it looked like a wedding room on the East Coast. But it was a set.

They had a set with flowers and stuff like that around the stage and people. But this was a weird Mexican crowd. And Marilyn went up there one night and said something. And the wife said something. And the guy threw a chair and the other. Now this is Rudy Morano's best. baby. To know Rudy is to love him. Rudy is a gentleman.

He wears glasses. He's by the book. He wants you to wear a certain shirt. And he would always break mine and Marlon's balls until he basically told him to go fuck yourself. Watch. We'll make it work. Don't be dirty.

Don't be dirty in here. People don't like when you're dirty. Watch us. And me and Marlon proved to him that they like dirty comedy. We didn't give a fuck what he told us. He wasn't the comedy store. He's a great comic really, but he wasn't the fucking comedy store, and he wasn't going to run our careers.

These are bars. This isn't fucking a church. These are bars. What do you go to a bar to do? Have a few drinks and loosen up and look good for your friends. No. He's like, you've got to work clean. And me and Maryland would go up on stage and he'd be back there giving us the light.

Like knock it off. And I wouldn't fucking get off. I would stamp there for another 10 minutes and go fucking crazy up there. Fuck you motherfuckers. Suck my dick. And I would see him back there turning red and pacing and shit. But they'd be laughing.

And then when you come off, he's like, Jesus Christ, Joey, you get me a heart attack by then. That's some of the dirtiest stuff I've ever heard. I go, Rudy, they're fucking laughing. It doesn't matter. That's all that matters. So he went on back and forth with us for about a year. He would torment me in fucking Maryland. So one weekend he takes his road gig, and that's the weekend Maryland decides to go up to the

Gray Bull on a Saturday night and have an argument with a guy. I will never forget this story. I was not there. I just heard there was chairs flying. This story is fucking legendary. And there's eight people on the floor wrestling and the two wives are pulling each other's hair. And Maryland's on stage like a narrator like Joe Rogan. Fucking dollar, dolly, she couldn't even speak Spanish and shit.

So she says she got paid this shit. Omaha Peda. Omaha. Got a hit. Larry, Omaha Pater. Somebody over. This guy. Larry Omar, it's a brilliant comic,

great writer. He got hit, and I guess he paid Maryland. You know, Rudy left him in charge. But Maryland says, let me tell you something. Sunday morning 901. She got the call. And it was Rudy. Marilyn, what happened? Rudy, let me tell you. Marilyn, I told you the word cleaning

that. It wasn't because I was dirty. As does it do with that. Some guy threw a chair. They threw a fucking chair. One doubted. She was, she was a hurricane of craziness. She didn't care. At the wild She started fights in there. Remember she told some guy, she started making fun of this guy's girlfriend.

She went back at him. The boyfriend said something. And then she was like, you know what? I thought you were kind of cute. I was going to offer to suck your dick, but you probably just got out of jail. And it tastes like shit. And it's just like, and we're all standing around like, oh, fuck, we're all going to get killed tonight, you know? And David's sitting there like, fuck.

I was doing a gig with her, this shit gig in Lubbock, Texas, someone in her down. I don't know where the fuck we were. were, but we're doing this gig, and we get there. And Marilyn, Alex Ramundo, and I are all sitting around bullshitting. And she's breaking our balls about how we're a couple of pussies. And if we go to her room, she's got a strap on it. She'll fuck us both in the ass. And she's just saying all kinds of crazy shit, right?

So, and she's doing this out on the patio with families and shit around, right? So she goes into her room. I go into my room. Alex is in his room. I get a phone call. maybe seven minutes later. She's like, Rick, you got to come over here and help me. You got to come over here.

And I was like, what the fuck is going up? And she was like, there was a guy next door who was listening to us. And he said that I could come over there and I could fuck him in the ass with that strap. I've called David. And now he's mad at me because he's told me about talking dirty. You got to get me out of here. I had to go to the front desk, get her another room, move her. It was fucking great.

That's funny because I was with her in the bottles of hell, Millland, Texas. No disrespect. That's the club lead where the DA rated it. But the first time I went to that club, I went in Maryland. And they put us in a hotel that had a pool, and we were around the pool. Yeah. And somebody tried to break into a room, the fucker.

He was 300-pound, 4'8 Maryland. This burglar didn't know what he was doing. This is going to be the first rapist in history that was going to kick the door down and go, I don't think so. He was going to run out of there. Marilyn was 3 hundred pounds with a lay in there with a bag of fucking chocolate, three different sizes. Like she would, you know those Halloween bags? Right.

She would take them on the road with her. And at night, you go to her room and she had all four bags on the bed. Wait, they have them when it's not Halloween time? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The little ones for little chuppies like Marilyn. And then she'd justify it. Each one is three points.

Okay. I fucking ate. Listen, don't fucking say a fucking word, right? I only ate two of each. They're three points for two. I walked 40 minutes on the fucking thing. The machine there. My foot fucking hurts.

Look at my egg. They're turning purple, Joey. She would have four different types of chalkers. She was four foot eight, 300 pounds. And the rapist was knocking down her door. And she's in there. What the fuck? She's laying on the door.

The rapist is on the other side. He was an escaped convict. Out of all the rooms in the hotel. He decides to break into me. Can you imagine? Breaking out of jail for a piece of ass. And it's Malin Martinez. Four foot, eight, three hundred pounds.

What would you do? Oh, what the fuck do you do? Take the first bus back. She's calling me. This whole weekend was crazy. And when we'd go, for some reason, she had a great line to promoters. Promoters always called her from all over the country. I got to, you know, I tell you guys how it is with comedy for you people who are interested.

When you get here, yes, there's an upper montage of comedy. There's the comedy store, the Improd of the Laugh Factory, and they're all a great club. And then you have a lower end of clubs in Silver Lake, which are just bars. And then one night is you get $2 to do them, maybe a drink. Maybe a beer, yeah. Maybe a beer, you get nothing. And this is how it is for a few years. But this is why I give credit to these little Mexican guys.

That's why I've had them on the show, from Willie to Felipe, all these guys that you hear today, 20 years ago, these guys hustled. Nobody fucking liked these guys. Yeah. Nobody gave them spot. What do you think Felipe was doing the improv and all this shit before last comic standing? No. Felipe and his buddy Willie and Jeff Garcia and Rudy Moreno and all these guys, for all you guys that are sitting there in a town going, I want to do comedy,

but I don't know what to do. Well, let me tell you what these guys did. Yeah. They went to all those sea little fucking gangster rooms where there's a possibility of getting shot and stabbed. And they went in there, and I'm telling you, and Rick knows. Rick knows. I played him. I made my bones.

in those. We made our bones in those rooms because they gave you 35 bucks and these guys were such hustlers they'd have three rooms in one night at one time. At one time I can honestly look at all four you in the room and tell you, I was pulling down anywhere from five to six hundred a week

in 2001 in this town. I was pulling down 600 a week doing stand-up in this town. That's 24 fucking hundred a month. You know what? You guys like Joey, that's not no money. Let me tell you something. You're living your dream. 2400 you get an apartment and receded with three fucking guys

you make a $150 car payment and you pay back your student loans you're good to go unless you've got a drug habit unless you got a drug habit you can live on $600 a week if you live if you don't have 20 girlfriends and if you don't do blow

and if you could conserve weed you can live in fucking Sherman Oaks with three other guys pay $8.50 a fucking month you know two bedrooms one guy sleeps in the closet that's what you gotta start off when those rooms went under, not to mention, but 600 was also 10 spots, guys. So it average is about $60 a spot.

I'm not going to tell you that. You're working for it. You're driving for it. Yeah, gas is included. Yeah. So let's get something straight. It was $600 minus a yardstick for gas, $10 for parking, you know, it's that kind of stuff. But you had money coming in.

That means your corporation was always so Monday, like, okay, what's tonight? Tuesday. Last night I would have a spot at the Laugh Factory for 25 bucks. But before that spot or after that spot, I would go up to Universal City on Mondays. The Rumba Room. Do the Rumba Room for 40 bucks. And then Tuesday I would wake up, do the Comedy Store, even though there was nobody there because it was African American night. So the original room would be dead. And that was 15 bucks. And then somebody had a $40 room, Casa Latina. The nice young black dude. Mm-hmm. And then somebody else had a later Tuesday. I had the Sapphire on Tuesday. You had the Sapphire on Tuesday.

I would pay you anywhere between 1575 on that. There you go. Uh-huh. So you had Wednesday night. It was like, uh, Wednesday was Wild Coyote. Wild Coyote. Wednesday and Saturday was Wild Coyote,

which is a small 40 bucks in a burrito. Yeah. A fucking good burrito. A real good burrito. A real good burrito. And then Thursday, you had Commerce Casino. I still go back with Gabriel booking the bicycle club. Oh, wow.

For the small $35. Yeah. In 1997. Jaybrook, so all these Latin comics built their own underground network. They didn't even step foot in the fucking comedy. No, they wouldn't even bother with the class. They wouldn't even bother because they knew they weren't going to fuck. The only club that gave them love was the laugh factor.

And that Latin room still fucking rock. Yeah, it still does. I remember it was Chris Martinez, Jeff Garcia ran it for a while. Everybody had it at one point, and it was just like it was a great room. And it was a packed house and they They fucking lived for comedy The comedy story didn't give us love The improvs didn't give us love

Maybe you might get something in Ontario or Brea Which were great rooms But they weren't gonna give you Fuck it was They might give you a Wednesday They might give you a Tuesday Yeah they see it was Wednesday But none

And you'd have to paper the room It was a different fucking game But you know what I don't I thank Rudy And all those You know that's why I've had Willie on the podcast multiple times in Felipe because

when I got here they were putting $40 a week in my pocket. That's a buck 60. Because at the end of the week it all went into a comb and it added up at the end of the month and you'd sit there at the end of the month and I'm broke but you're really not broke. You are making an okay living. It's not fucking you're doing comedy here a year. What do you

expect? God forbid you book a commercial. Oh my God, I'll book a day on a fucking TV show for scale. 650. God damn it. I'm I'm going for sushi, baby. Hell yeah. I'm going for sushi, baby. You're going to have a good time.

You're going to have a good time. You feel like a fucking human being for a little bit. It's great. But then there's months when there's dick. Like, there's months you look at your schedule, and there ain't dick on that schedule. Like Dean Delray called me a month ago. You go, man, this is tough being a professional comic. My whole December is wide open. I don't know how I'm going to make a little.

I go, that's what it is to be a professional. You look at that. And you go, you know what? I'm going to believe in the Lord. I'm going to believe in myself. You've got to have faith in yourself. And also next thing you know, you just start popping these gigs.

And there were months when it'd be the 25th. Yeah. And I had no idea how I was coming up for rent money in six days. Not a fucking clue. I don't think, well, I'm going to get evicted. And also on the 30, if you'd get a call for a Halloween gig, they paid exactly what the rent is.

And they gave you a check, which really fucked you up. We'll fucking out. I'll pay you shit. I remember those days. I never had the faith to do that, though. I always had the job. I always had some shitty... I was a substitute teacher at that time.

It's in your blood, Rick. I was thinking about you tonight. You never really... I didn't have faith in myself like that. You never really. And, you know, the faith of not having a job, it takes you to the next level. It does.

What's the movie that? There's a scene in one of the anarchy movies. I think our, what's our friend and fucking, what's our little friend, what's our family member down in you? That's keeping things on ice for us until January down there in Austin. Bobby Sharon. Right. Okay. Crystal, his girlfriend put the clip up.

Put a clip up from Sons of Anarchy. You know what sons of Anarchy? Yeah. Okay, Sons of Anarchy. What was the season of the black guy? What was his name? The bikers? The Black Wiker Gang boss?

No, the other guy, the one that they shot in the fucking, they shot him in the thing when they told them to meet. They were going to give up Traeger. I remember his name. Put Jack's Teller's meeting with and see what comes up. Okay. Well, you're right, though. It was like, you know.

This is, no, no, no. I know it's right. I know. I always knew you had the talent. I always knew you had the balls. We worked together a lot of. Sometimes you were comedy store trained. You were comedy store trained, which means you went through the SEAL program, which means that you really can't be scared.

You got to believe in yourself. Jackson Teller meets... Mr. Mayhem, no? No, no, no, no, no. Oh, I know. That's a bad one, yeah. Put on Sun's Anarchy, season six, I think. That's how season six started, right?

He talks about, uh... Yeah, I love it. remember now we can't go through it. No, I can't, you know. But it's wrong. Yeah, there's a scene where he goes to see him. And he goes, using pain to get to the next level.

That's what makes kings out of men. He goes, that's how you do it. And that's the same thing with what we do in a way. In a way, you have to put yourself against a wall to really grab

whatever. I mean, you you were close, I would give you your beatings about it on the constant. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because, and then you never saw it in that way. You saw it, like, I'm going to miss something. And I get it. Listen, man, going through life without insurance and a bunch of things is a fucking American reality today.

That's a scary reality. And I got to look in the eye, and I got to look Lee in the eye, and my little pal over there in the eye and tell you that, yeah, I'm grateful. I did some movies. and I'm grateful that I do stand up, but I'm grateful I got SAG insurance, bitches. Yeah.

Okay, I was not cut out to have insurance. I'm like, I'm never going to have insurance. I was just telling somebody, I'm automatically level two. I'm automatically level two because I've been SAG for more than 10 years and I'm over 45. Oh, yeah, so you're locked in? Yeah, I'm locked in.

I'll have to fight every month again. But I've got to tell you some, the residuals couple level two. I still get done. Every year I book like a guest. on and then they always give me that. They always pay you twice. That twice makes me level two.

See, that's the thing that always scared the shit out of me. And it's like when I got into it, I thought to myself, well, you can go to one or two ways. You can either go on the road and bust your ass on those shit gigs and get funny. But by the time I got here in 2000, and I would have been able to do the road, a lot of that shit had dried up. So what would end up happening is that now you're paying for the flight. they don't always want to put you up

it's kind of crazy and they're not giving you shit especially as a feature in today's feature world it's very tough like a lot of times if it's a local thing if I could fight for a feature I don't bring a feature

like I don't bring it if I go on the road 20 weeks I bring a feature maybe six or seven weeks because like there's a lot of clubs that I lose a thousand bucks but bring on a feature if I was single and whatever, but I got a four-year-old.

Yeah. I can't just lose a thousand bucks because it's a hotel. A week. Oh, yeah. There's no more hotel. For one time, a one time thing is. You know what they want to give this kid? Right.

You know what they really embarrass you and tell you what they want to give them and look them in the eye. And I can't let that happen. Right. Like, you came with me, brother. You know what I'm saying? So, I want you to be taken care of.

I want you to eat good. Yeah. You know, when I go to breakfast, you go to breakfast. When I go to lunch, you come with me. When I go to dinner, we eat together. You know, you know how it is. When we go to movies, we're fucking family here, we're a corporation.

So, but you sit there at the end of the week, oh, Jesus fucking cries, they bang me out, you know, because my hotel room is free. So you don't really know the rates. Yeah. You know, and the contract where they put me up, I always go, why did they put me here? You know me.

Yeah. I'm a simple dude. But the agency I'm with asks for fucking, blah, ba, pop. So now, because they want to. Now, yeah, I don't mind him staying there. I don't mind, you know what I'm saying? But that room is creative.

And I'm like, Jesus, fucking Christ. And I got to give him, how's he going to get there, walk? So I try to cover his plane ticket. Look at a plane ticket today. Again, they're going to raise the prices. Again, because gas prices, something with oil. Again, they're going to raise the prices. See, that's the thing.

And I said to myself, you know what, I don't know how funny I am. Because you know that. When you're a comic, you think you're funny. you're funny enough to get your ass out on that stage and the laughs are there but you're quite sure because you see how you see they're laughing at somebody else that you're like that fucker ain't funny but then there's this thing about it where I'm like if I go out of town because then I just got signed to my agency how are they going to look if if if I can't go on an audition because I'm I'm playing some shit gig in fucking uh Seattle or or uh Texas or or something

like that they need me here they don't they don't have me here they're going to drop ass you know and I booked just enough to keep my agency interested in me so are you booking right now I'm not booking but they're sending me out little bit by little bit I need if I if I were to start booking something they would send me out more but it's like it's so crazy because the percentages have even gone down even low well you know I was telling you about trying to get extra work extra work pays anywhere between 114 to 172 a day depending on whether it's new means or it's a show that's on a network.

If you go overtime, like I was telling somebody, I either want to do five hours and get paid the eight or I want to do 14 fucking hours because a 14 hour day is going to get you over $300, you know? And you never know when you're going to get booked again. Let me ask you something, my brother. And when you could have joined the Army? Yeah.

You remember? Yeah, I remember those days. When you're 18, you could join the Army and be walking around when you're fucking 38. Now, in hindsight, how old are you now? I'm 43. How fast was it to you became 38 after high school? Joey, I went to sleep.

I was 25. I woke up about 43. I have no idea what happened. So if you're young right now and you're listening to this, let me tell you something. If you're fucking confused and you really don't know, it is from your uncle Joey, I don't want you out there working at fucking some fast food joint until you figure it out. Try it. Yeah.

Try the service because let me tell you some guys. 20 years goes by quick Yeah Listen to me You're my brother I don't see you in fucking two years If you'd have quit your job

20 years ago You would have been working today full time Yeah I know And that's the end of this conversation And this is why I tell people You come out here It's all men on deck I want you to get a job

I appreciate that you had an apartment But at one time in your life It's like I worked with a guy last week from Boston in Omaha, Nebraska, Tom. Bro, this guy had me back there sweating, fucking bull. Lee, this guy was so fucking funny. He was that Boston accent. It was just the three-man show

when he was doing a half hour, and I'm like, how am I going to follow this fucking guy with my boring-ass old man material? He's 41. He is hilarious. He did 50 minutes on Friday night because I only did one show. So I stayed for his first,

35 minutes. There was 100 people. I smoked the joint. I sat in the back. Just the support. He thought I left, but I watched. He was destroying that room. The next night I talked to him,

the way I'm talking to you, I just met the guy, and I go, so what's going on with you? It's like, I'm living in Boston. I do all the gigs there. I play with Cards with Lenny Clark. I play golf with him. This guy was a top-notch comic, guys.

You know, he's a top-notch comic. And I go, what's going on in Boston? You want to go, well, I don't know. I'm still confused between L.A. And as a dynamite guy as he was and as funny as he was, he was pissing his pants about that thought. I go, so what you mean to tell me is you're at this age, you have no kids, no wife, nothing holding you back in Boston.

You're a nomad in life. Go for it. When I realized I was a nomad, I always had an idea I was a nomad, but I didn't want to believe it. You never want to believe you're a nomad. You know what you're a nomad is that you're alone. But the reality is, once they fucking cut you from your mother's amblybical cord,

you've been alone. You've just had a little help. Not you're on your own. It's a scary thought. And that's all, you just, you never really, you were scared. You wanted, you wanted to make sure your rent was paid. Yeah.

And there's nothing wrong with that, brother. What's up, buddy? No, I mean, it's, Yeah, it's just, it's, because I made the jump, it's scary. It's, you grow up and it's, you know, it's not only that you want to be successful, but then it's also, especially living in L.A., there's a lot of homeless people. Like, it's not that big of a, like, like, that, like, that was a fear of mind. That would have made him shoot straight to the top.

You think so? I know so. I know so. I want you at one time in your life to have your back against the wall, to really, to really, really know what life's about. And that's when you fucking figure it out. That's what they don't teach you in a six-fucking year college, okay? I don't care how many master's degree is when you back yourself up in a fucking war.

And when I come to you and I go, Lisa, I get, so that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you, after 10 years working at my fucking lawyer firm, you come to me when they're in you. I want to be a partner. Fuck you. I'm the head Jew and this motherfucker. Don't you ever fucking talk to me like that. you're a little Jew from fucking Boston you know and whatever

and now guess what you're married to my friend over here and she's beautiful and she likes to go on vacation and you want to do your thing but you got to get out of this guy's clutches you know what mama needs a new pair of shoes she got nice feet and everything

so guess what you're going to open up your own lawyer firm so you got to go to your father and borrow fucking his life savings and go to your mother and borrow her life savings and come to me and come to Rick. And you go to work. Let me tell you something.

That 18 months suffering, five years from now, you're going to be a millionaire. I'd rather you take that 18 months suffering than continue under somebody else's fucking, and that's all we had to do here. You would have been done right now. How long have you been in this town?

God damn, 19 years are all... Done. Right now, you would have been going to the bank getting checks. People wouldn't have been looking for Rick Ramos. When did you shoot Latino Paiosos? That was 2006, 2006. So the door was open.

The door was, no, I fucked it up. And I loved it. And I held you. And I tried to talk to you from the heart. From the heart, I said, you got to take this chance. And we have nothing to lose. Listen, I lost a wife. I lost a kid.

I knew that that child was never going to. I knew I was going to get invited to First Communion. I knew I wasn't going to get involved in a student plays. I knew I wasn't going to get involved in anything. my life with her was five hours on Wednesday and every other Sunday I could either stay there and take that beating for the rest of my life and become the local guy

that's funny and maybe get a job in radio or I could give it a shot for me and make something I want to do something and dog that was the scariest fucking move I ever made but I learned from taking a chance from doing being a salesman. You know, there's a

chant when you walk into a place. They're like, guess what? Hey man, you want to be a salesman? Yeah, 90 days. We'll give you $1,500 a month for 90 days. The average Joe goes, wait a second. I'm like $8.50 a month. That's where I work

overtime. They're going to give me $1,500. I've got to wear a shirt and a tie and sell cars. The first three months are great. You're $7.50 every two weeks. You know what I'm saying? You're in there learning to dues and don'ts. That fucking 90 day comes, Jack, on the 15th of the month.

You haven't sold a car. And they give you a $600 draw just to keep the lights on it on the 15th. But you got to cash that out by the 31st. Then you get paid on the 5th. You're minus 600, Jack. Plus your dry clean, your gas. You'll start selling cars. You'll start selling cars.

And once you start selling cars and you start gaining that confidence in yourself, now you know, you know how it works. you know at the beginning of the month's going to be slow you're going to take three dogs you're a fighter you're going to take the first five days in the month you're only going to work your shift you're going to go to movies with your buddy lee he's your fucking desk partner you're going to get some blow you know what's saying you're going to go see the new fucking thaw movie but then on the fucking six you know you motherfucker's got to go to work and all those lucky lues that come in now you got to work 12 hour days so all those lucky lues that come in all those lucky lues you got to pay you got to Pressure them a little bit, give them a card and stay on them. They're going to buy a car within fucking 72 hours. They're going to run into a sales room within 72 hours. Hopefully it's you. When they come on the lot, I'm just looking for next year. I don't give a fuck what you're looking for.

By the time you look for a car, they'll be rocket ships, bitch. We're buying a car today. You've got to manipulate them to buy a car today. And, you know, it's salesmanship. What we're doing right now isn't about who's the funniest guy in the world. There's a thousand funny guys. Your love is movies. And I've always asked Jess to just do a fucking routine about movies.

If you did a routine about movies, you'd be real. One of these TV stations will pick you up. And we get insurance or something. You're a talented dude. I love you like a brother. And I didn't bring you out here to break your balls at all. No. And you knew this situation.

I just want people that are trying to get into comedy to understand that sometimes you have to cut the ambitical cord in comedy. with your job and everything, at least give it a shot because that will motivate you to become the comedian who you're bound to become. Well, that's the thing. That's the thing that always scared me. And it's the thing that really fucked me up because, you know, I've been alone for 20 years. I'm beholding to nobody, you know.

I ain't got no wife. I ain't got no kids. I don't, you know, there's not a note. I'm driving a fucking 17-year-old car. But there's always been that feeling. of, you know, tomorrow was going to go right into the shitter. And the reason that I stayed away for so long, and I know this is not, this is not on you. This is completely on me.

I felt ashamed. I honestly felt ashamed for being afraid. And I couldn't face you for the longest time. And I knew you still loved me. I knew you cared. Oh, no, no, no, no. I was worried about you for a while. Well, I was in a dark place for a while.

Yeah. We spoke about it on the phone. And I know you. had a hard time there, there's nothing ashamed about being afraid. Nothing ashamed about it. As long as you keep it in check and promise yourself that you're going to do something to take yourself out of that zone. Talk, I live in fear.

I was telling my wife that, you know why I don't go to this diner over here? I don't want to put nobody down. There's a diner across the street from 7-Eleven over there. Okay, let me break down this 7-Eleven. You got hell 7-Eleven over here On fucking, what is this? Magnolia and The Hunger. That's every man for himself.

There's toothless people. There's pimps. It's a fucking nightmare there. My favorite is the one by the police station. And trust me, that one gets creepy people. The police station is 50 yards away. Am I lying? Leesai?

Not even. We're not seeing creepy motherfuckers in there night and shit like that. You see them looking at Red Boxmen. They're looking at mug somebody. They got an open mic at the end of that. They got a Japanese restaurant What's the rating? See?

And my line, I took Lee And he fucking questioned me This guy who eat a fucking horn From a Billy goat And he looked at me like, We're going in there Yeah, we're going in there So dry cleaners in the 7-11

And a dry clean and a 7-11 You gotta take your chances At this sushi place I went twice Well, it was him and once by myself I was in a rush, I couldn't Yeah I wouldn't think of the terriaki chicken

You could tell Oh, this was not This was something This is not prime shit, huh? No, no and the fucking spicy tuna was the ugliest as I was eating it.

I'm like, oh. You're a fan. I'm taking my chances. A little Mexican way that. Look at the back, he's the cook. He's everything. When he picks up the phone, he makes believe he's Asian.

Fucking hilarious. Hilarious. I wanted that twice, and I'm like, you know what? But they have a sidewalk cafeteria, cafeteria there. Like, the last thing is an all-state insurance office.

A dumpster. And a dumpster. Right fucking there. Right. Please. So they don't think we're crazy. Because every week on that fucking church page, I hear that Joey Dia's stories. How far is the dumpster from where people manjad it?

30 feet. You can spin at it. I call it 25 feet. Now, before the dumpster, there's a comedy club. It's a state farm. It's a state farm insurance. But if you go there Monday through Friday and give me. It's comedy.

There's five people, B-Y-O-B. Do your own thing. They go there after the sushi club. He lures them in there. Come on in. Then you got to have a dry cleaner, a Russian guy. I want to get my ghee fucking fix. Fifty bucks.

I go four strings, 50 fucking dollars. Then they got something else. A bartending school. Oh, they got the bartending school. You got to see the beauties that hang out there. Wednesday night, happy hour, $25. We give it to you. You try.

You know what I'm saying? You see cars crashing. And next to that is the most expensive gas station you will ever go into. If gas down the corner, listen, a mile from there, gas is $3.35 a gallon right there. It's $72 and people pay it. You know why? It's next to the police station. So they bang out the police station for high prices because the police charge their cars there.

I think I like, what, a fleet of 80? And they charge their cars there. And it's right off the freeway. Right off the fucking freeway. a bank and you're running out of gas. Right there. And then you got Chandler 7-Eleven. That's the bad one.

That's where the owner got killed in front of his wife. That's where it's fucking ISIS. Yeah. It's ISIS. You walk in there, the music's on Lee. I took Lee at midnight. I go, Lee, let's go in there. This is worse than East Hollywood.

Yes. Wow. The Chandler 7-Eleven, I took Lee in there one night. They had the full turbines and full. full effect. They had the music on loud and they were like giving white people the fucking Malukai put it back.

Like that $2.00! Like they were eat at. They wouldn't make icon that go Lee, this is ISIS. About two weeks later, there was a stabbing. They murdered somebody in front of that place. A homeless person. A homeless person. Came out with a knife and stabbed the owner. And then two weeks ago, the

fucking shooter from Las Vegas, the brother that was jerking off to little kids, he was in the building right next to that 7-11. We ain't bullshit here. That's a bad fucking area. You know what I'm saying? That's the Malook.

Yeah, it's got the Malook of debts. You've got to be careful over there. I don't go to that 7-Eleven. No more, huh? No, that's a creepy selling lemon. They got a little spot there where people hide where you make the right from channel. It's a creepy area.

It has a 24-hour laundromat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, bro. Those are people. But the reason why I don't go to that diner, of course, Steve from San 11th. Yeah. Because the bus station is down the corner. Okay.

Any day, I don't want to sit in there two in the morning, and somebody robbed the bank and pulls off and shoot you in the head when you're in that dynamite. You're going to have the right jokes. You're drinking coffee. Somebody comes in and shoots you. I don't need aggravation in my life. Plus, the food is horrific.

If I die, because I'm in that place eating shitty food, I would shoot myself. Like before the guy came in and pulled the gun, I go, da-da-da-da. I deserve to die just to be in here, knowing that the food sucks. Give me the gun. How's you? That's how bad for them. I think I know that,

We ordered the spaghetti in there one time. You had to see what this looked like. Had a bay leaf still in it. Oh my God. It was fucking the ugly. I'm like, we don't eat it. Just send it back. Let's get out of it.

We used to go over there after the ha-ha. We used to go in there after the ha-ha. And that place was just fucking horrific. It's horrible. I don't know those spots. My brother, everybody has a different journey. Everybody has a different path, especially in this comedy game. Yeah.

Number one, you can't look at what. anybody else is doing. I said it only the other day, and I'll tell you again, thinking is the enemy of man, especially in our business. But we have to think. So if we go,

if we have to think, we'll make it quarterly. You get the press for three days, every 90 days. And then get back in there. That's how I did my time. Every 90 days, there's disappointment.

It takes you two days. You suck it up. You look at the want ads. You tell yourself, you're going to go back and look for a job, and you fucking, something good happens. You go to laugh factory,

You've got a standing ovation. On the way home, you're scratching your head going, I can't quit this. So the best thing about this situation, Rick, you ain't over. I'm proud of you because you kept the fucking podcast going. I got the podcast going still. You're still there.

You're still there doing your movies. And that is real your passion. Stand up. You like Richard Pry. Listen, let's face it, you don't like going on the road. But you could also do it as a hobby, get a little paycheck, and do your little podcast and fucking keep doing.

your thing. You're the best in the business. When it comes to arguing about films, there's nobody, I'm telling you this, there's more knowledge than you. Plus, I know the passion you have for it. The passion you have for film is stronger than anything I've ever seen on anybody. When I was a kid, I had a passion for film. I would wait for a film. I knew the date of the release with a director from, where did he eat lunch, what the movie was about. I was there, front and

center. Yeah. 1.15, the movie came out. I was there one fucking a clock of the tension, stone, and with a full stomach full of fucking Chinese food.

I can name 10 movies right off the top of my head that I was there opening day with no line, no drama. I was getting in first. I was getting on that fucking movie theater first

with a full, I still remember, dog, being in a fucking halfway house, having two dirty U.A's, the third one you're going to prison. But I didn't give a fuck because a movie was coming out that Friday called Goodfellas.

And I remember still big. I read the book when I was locked up in prison. And I heard that movie was coming out. That was like sleepers. Like I was right there when Sleepers came out because I read the book in Seattle. Josh Wolf gave me the book. I love all those situations.

Silence of the Lamb and you go see the movie. But what movie were talking about? Goodfellas. Goodfellas. Goodfellis. I've never, I'm never forgot. I'm in the halfway house. They're going to throw me in prison.

I'm like, what am I going to do, Joey? I've been taking a chance all my life What the fuck am I doing out here? Like a gentleman about 1130 I went to the fucking little Chinese place I used to go to my little lunch special I never ate the egg roll The egg roll was for shit

But that made a good nice sashuan beef With steamed rice Nice little egg drop soup Some noodles in the soup I left there In those days I was in the halfway house But I always had a gym When I was married I had this hidden little gym

maybe the size of this. I paid 35 bucks for it. It was on the other side of fucking Pearl Street. And in the middle hung a punching bag. And I had weights of stereo. And then I had different compartments all over the place. Like tools, but it wasn't tools. I would hide weed in there.

And sometimes I'd eight ball of coke. And I would put shit under the punching bag. I had hiding places in there. So I would roll a joint, a skinny, skinny joint. And I knew they were going to drug test me. Yeah. They were always going to drug test me. I would take a hit off that joint.

I would go to that gym and just go, and I would blow it out, wash my hands, and then from then I would just drink water, water, water. But before I leave, I'd hit that bag for an hour. My fucking sweats would be drenched just a little before my knees. That's it. That THC was gone. I would keep...

And I never got busting for TAC. They always got me for Coke. But I always just took one hit. And I still remember eating that. Chinese food running over that, taking that one hit, and going to see, I always knows from ranks

to Richard. I didn't give a fuck if I went to jail. I didn't give a fuck if I went to jail for that. I was not going to see Goodfellor sober. That's how stupid I was. There's to let you know. No, you know, there's a magic to that, though.

You know, I remember when I saw it, I was high school. It was, I was probably a sophomore or a junior, and we all went to see it and we're laughing our asses off and the fucking straights are sitting there like what the fuck is these kids are assholes this is not funny and we're just screaming the whole time at how funny this fucking movie is and that's when I learned it was just like these fucking movies are magic man they made things make sense I watch movies now and I'm just like no matter how shitty my day is if I go home I put midnight run on it's over for me what's the best what's the best

movie you watched the last year the last year that's come out the last year no no shit there hasn't been much of anything you know really I mean the Harry Dean Stanton film was kind of sweet to see him go out Logan was really well done at for like a for like a because it's not like a comic book movie it's more like a this weird kind of noir like you could see Robert Mitcham playing this guy at a certain point you know um fuck what the hell the Jackie Chan movie was good because it was like Chan is the foreigner.

A lot of martial arts. Yeah, at 63 years old, I'm amazed that the guy can still fight. I mean, he's on another level, man. That dude's the real deal. Always has been. Takes care of himself. Unbelievable. Yeah, no, no, no.

Mike Black, it was Mike Black's birthday, and I said, Mike Black, Jackie Chan is going to be at the American Cinema Dick, the Egyptian. They're going to show three movies. He was like, I can make it through maybe two. I was like, I don't give a fuck. Just get your ass over there, all right? So I got his tickets. We went.

Jackie Chan was there. He spoke. The Rizzo was interviewing him. But I'm watching police story. Police Story 3 in this movie he did called Miracles. It's amazing to watch a man move the way he did because a human being shouldn't be able to do this shit. I mean, he's hanging. He does all his own stunts.

Yeah, he does all of his own stunts. He might not do them as much now. But we're talking about movies that went back to the mid-80s. And there's a fight scene. The final fights in this movie Miracles is it's like a remake of a Frank Capper movie. He's he's fighting in a rope factory on these huge, um, uh, stilt like, like, like platforms. And they got these rollers filled with rope that are being pushed and, you know, there,

there are moments there where he can fall 20, 30 feet and he's holding on the rope and he's pulling himself up just by body straight. It's just fucking amazing. what he could do. And I watched this thing and I'm thinking to myself, you know, all respect to Bruce Lee and everything, but Bruce Lee just kicked people's asses. He didn't do what Chan did. Chan did these things that were like superhuman. He was on a whole other level.

So it was like fighting and it was like the stunts. And I mean, I've seen him do shit that most other actors would have died making these films. It's phenomenal. It's almost like parkour before parkour. Oh, way before. Yeah, yeah. And they were actually talking about that. The Rizzo was talking about how he inspired a lot of that,

a lot of that French shit and that Brazilian parkour. And that moved over to, they made a couple of movies in France called D-13, which really cool shit. But it's all based on Jackie Chan running, jumping over things. If he could walk through a gate, he never walked right through the gate.

He would kind of crisscross his way up a set of walls over the gate. and then just go over there and kick the shit out of somebody. It was a whole other level, but there was a, there was a respect for the image, you know. It was a respect for being able to, to create this thing that, that as you're watching it,

you imagine yourself as Jackie Chan, you know, you imagine yourself doing these fight scenes. You imagine yourself in that world. And even, even at 63, the foreigner delivered, delivered, man. And he's delivered.

delivering on a dramatic role that you didn't think he was capable of. Not for a guy like you. Yeah. When you see a good film, how happy are you still? I'm thrilled. I still remember going off of you, we went to see the... Godfather? No, we went to see the other one, the one with Clint Eastwood and the Chinese kids.

And we took out with Sam Long. Yeah, yeah. And they're saying all these poor Asian slangs and we're sitting there with that. I don't even know what to do with a laugh. And he started laughing. I'm like, okay, I'll fucking laugh. We had a great time. But, you know, we went to see like two or three movies in a row because I had clearance

then. There was no children. The phone wasn't ringing. You know what I'm saying? The phone don't ring. You might as well go to the movie. When you were living over there by the Y in Northern Hollywood, we were hanging out all the time. You blew my mind by the passion that you had.

Like some people talk to talk, you're a guy that really walks to walk. The shame with you is we haven't figured out what anything. agent could get a guy like you to do what you do best, which is argue film. You know, you know about cinematographers. You know that when he shot the movie, his wife stabbed him a week before because he cheated on there with a Puerto Rican chick down during the hurricane. I mean, you're the type of guy that knows all that information. And he's passionate. Well, it's fascinating to me.

And you love terrible movies and you love sensational movies. And just like everybody else, we all, there's a bunch of movies that I watch and I go, I love this. movie. To some people, it's fucking terrible, but maybe I'm having to tell you. A movie I like lately. What's that?

Boomerang. Boomerang is great. Eddie Murphy, Martin, fucking Lawrence, the father, bang, bang, bang,

fucking, you know, all those movies, I don't know, there was a part in me when, like, there was two movies.

No, by that time I'm lying to you. By that time I had seen, there was two movies had no interest in watching. Do the right thing. When I watched it, I still watch it when it's on now.

And another Spike Lee or what? No, it was another Spike Lee one. It was Harlem Knights. Okay. Another movie. Lee, you still haven't watched Harlem Knights? No, I haven't. No.

Harlem Knights has moments. Harlem Knights has some great moments in. Harlem Knights is so fucking good, Lee. If you don't watch this Friday night when you stay in with your wife, don't show up here on Sunday. That's it. If you don't watch Harlem Knights at your mom, you're going to dial.

You know what they're doing. Remake? Not a remake. They're doing part two To Come Into America. Is that true? I've heard this. Yeah. I've heard this. Yeah. They want to do it. America was on somewhere about a month ago and I was like, you know, enough with this bullshit. I'm no writer. I'm no Hemingway. I'm sitting over here

trying to write a clever joke. Like, I might as well write a joke about Jockage. Fucking coming to America's on. I watched the whole thing. It's hilarious. It's brilliant. When you watch some of these movies and you're like, this is 30 fucking years old, how is this still on and still fucking

There are times when I go see a movie and I'm just like, fuck, they don't, there's, you know, the biggest problem that I have right now is that there's nothing in theaters that really connects. I'll go see a movie and I'll be like, all right, that was a good waste of a couple hours. My wife went to see Thor today. Which one? Thor, something with Thor. You know, what, it's fun for a kiddie type of thing, but it's not, you know, I had a good time with it. I love the Hulk. Jeff Goldblum was great in it, but overall, I'm just tired of these fucking Marvel movies.

They don't really don't deliver anymore They're just, you know You can only be a kid for so long That agent that hides you and just sends your Latino auditions Even though you're Jewish But you got a son-in-last time you went to fucking Jamaica And you're like, listen, I'm fucking Jewish, bro What's what the Spanish was?

These guys want to see you. They want to, yeah It's the same thing with the Marvel thing And I listen, it's a, I have a stand against them Yeah Like I don't think adults should be going to see that shit It's just But that's me because I'm a,

asshole. Like, listen, bro. And the more people pay for these things, the more money they make. Well, that's the thing. They get lazy. They put them together in three days. No, they're just making shit because they know people are going to go see it. When you see a great film, like, I mean, I can't remember, that's the problem.

I can't remember when I saw a great film in a theater. I can't remember when I saw a movie that really blew me away and I was just like, God damn, that was good. I can't wait to fly on Thursdays. Because, especially, if I'm going like Delta

or like JetBlue or something, because I might see a fucking movie that might blow me away. Like I still remember being on the longest yard and having no coke and being in New Mexico and being fucking bored, but I got a big

bag of weed. Maybe I can get some room service. I got nowhere to go. My girlfriend's up here. I got no girlfriend down there. You know, I'm just watching TV. and I remember going, oh, pay-per-view movies. Why not?

I still remember this. Special K. I still remember scrolling and seeing a picture of Denzel with a gun in his hand with an explosion behind it. I'm going, this guy was good as the fucking saxophone play. Oh, yeah. And he was great in this movie, and he was great in the movie with the slaves when he got whipped.

And he was tremendous in training day. Let me watch the hell. And I never forget ordering him like that. room service like Adam would give you you ever thing when you book a movie called uh what's it a cordy or d'a so i would take the badeum and go it's not my money they they feed me on the truck yeah but i don't really want to leave i want to watch this denzil movie i'm right i haven't even heard of this man i'm i'm fly i didn't even heard of this movie oh fuck yeah room service do me a fame let me get a cheese berg in those days they had the kids mac and cheese

The kids' mac and cheese was bigger than four. Six orders of it or something? It was one order like that, and it was just shells with cheese all over them, underneath. Really cooked cheese, Italian sauce, Jesus Christ. And I'll never forget sitting there. And all of a sudden, there's this guy, and you see Christopher walking. I got something to work with. How bad could it be?

And just sitting there at the end with tears running down in my face, with a napkin, with my leg twitching. You know what I'm saying? Like that's... Because it's the levels. It's like he takes you on a fucking right. What was the... That's the last time I was fucking... Moved.

Oh, I fell off my chair and called room service and go, listen, what are they going to charge me to rewatch this right now? Well, it's in a caution, an extra $9.95 with a second. I really wants the fucking thing. Isn't there any way for free here? No, it's on the caution in 1995. Fuck it. I got bad damn.

And I just clicked that out of me. That was the... Like, when I watched Angel Heart the first time, I went to see the 1 o'clock angel out on a Sunday. Me by myself, in those days, I used to go get this chicken-colored sandwich. There was his place, Roses on Boulder, across in the Fox Theater. And they used to have the, Lee, 87, way before I bought the mug in or anybody else was looking chickens. These motherfuckers in Boulder were making this chicken, and they had like two different chickens on the rack.

And you would see the little hippie dude rubbing them with lemon, and I would buy the whole fucking half of rack. and eat it, smoke a joint, go into that movie theater on the Lord's Day, Jack. And one Sunday I walked in there and it was Angel Heart. I saw the commercial. I knew it was with De Niro.

What could this possibly be about? Yeah. And all of a sudden I'm sitting there. I'm full and baboon. Angel Heart. And to be honest with you guys, I'm lying to you guys. I went to see Angel Heart,

my ex-wife. We sat in the movie theater. We watched Angel Heart. And at the end of it, I told that, look, and I go, that was the best thing I ever saw. Oh, yeah. But I have no idea what just happened.

It was all mood. Like it was. That was the thing. It's like, you didn't know who, it was like, what was Mickey work in that movie? I said, what is he in his own dream? Let's end this. Oh, yeah. Let's sit here and watch it again.

Yeah. We got to know where to go. You guys don't want to go. And the mom, my mother's cooking fuck her up, tell him we're going to be late. You know what I'm saying? Let's watch Angel Hart again. That's the type of shit I like. Yeah.

I like to watch something that in the three quarters in, I know what you like. And I can call you and go, dog. What are you doing right now? Well, I'm cutting fruit. Put that knife down. Get your ass through a video store and get this motherfucking movie tonight. And you'll tell me, I saw it. Oh, my God.

I was thinking about getting it. Bam. Yeah. I love that. That is my favorite fucking feeling. That's the thing. When you find something that it's always been there, it's like finding gold in the fucking dump.

It's like, you didn't know what was there. The first time that I saw a thief, I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And this is at a time when, when you remember Tower Rec, Like when I was a kid anywhere between 12 and maybe 18 I would spend all goddamn day entire records and they had a special Tuesdays and Thursdays and Thursdays you can get a movie for like a dollar or something like that So I would get there right when they opened because I wanted the pick I wanted my four movies that were gonna last me those two days And I could take them back on Thursday and get two more movies that were gonna last be two days, you know and I was just gonna watch fucking movies and I And I

Remember seeing so many god damn things Foreign films Underground films Exploitation shit How many movies you got at your house? Probably about 2000 Probably if I if I did the number of fuckers got Two thousand films in your house tweet me all right

It's just In the next two days I probably have like 300 But that's it Do you really? Are you solid too? I used to like and I'm How many movies you got at home?

I'm really mad at myself You're a movie woman Hmm? Oh, you know what the great thing about DVD is? You can go back to the exact moment and play. You know how many times I've seen Goodfellas, but how many times I've just watched De Niro sitting at the end of that fucking bar, getting ready to take a toke off that cigarette as he's thinking about killing Mori and sunshine of your love is playing over the fucking soundtrack? Probably the single greatest fucking thing I've ever seen in a movie because you sit there and you're like, I don't give a shit what anybody tells me about how bad smoking is for you or how. how ugly it is.

It's fucking cool as shit in that movie. You watch Bogart and the Maltese Falcon, De Niro, and Midnight Run. I wanted to smoke because of these guys. I didn't give a shit. Bring the fucking cancer. I didn't give a fuck because these guys were cool as shit. There was magic in that. I remember before I moved here, I go, what if I ever got a movie and I had to smoke?

Because I didn't smoke. Yeah. I go, can you imagine? I got a movie and they asked me to smoke. And my character doesn't smoke. I'm going to try a cigarette. just in case. And that's how they got you up.

Yeah, that's how they got me the first time. I got a little dizzy and shit. I'm like, this ain't bad. And then before you get on stage, you want to get a little tweaked up to take the nerves away. Let me give some shoutouts. I want to ask you something.

Those my glasses. They don't wear glasses. You're a young guy, 43. Jesus Christ. My brother, the Puerto Rican, saving the Puerto Rican for real. A lot of people talk a lot of shit. They don't. Listen, this guy took his own

money, he got fired, and he actually went to Puerto Rico. So his shout-out goes to my brother, Renee and Carson. My other brother, Ray Majewski, Lorne Rosenkirk, Joey Rookland, Kevin Dalo, Bobby Sharon, Bob Lillinger, James Thomas, and Angel Alvarado. Bring it on home, bitches. I will see you, Cocksuckers, this weekend at the New York Comedy Festival. Renée and Carcion will be there Saturday night for the late show. Beside that, it looks like Tuesday at the comedy store in the original room, about 915, and after that, I got the improv in Irvine, November 22nd.

That's it. The fucking year's coming to an end. You know what I'm saying? What are you thinking of this new thing they're doing with De Niro and Pacino and the whole crew? You know what? I would have no faith if it wasn't Martin Scorsese directing this thing. It's Scorsese, and Scorsese doesn't fuck around.

Let's be honest You think he's still got it? I fuck yeah, I still think he's got it. I don't think he's made a bad movie. He's made movies that aren't as good as other films that he's made, but the Wolf of Wall Street is a fucking bad shit crazy. I mean, I don't know. I've never used like that.

I don't know what Coke is like, but it looked to me like. I got something to refrigerator. You guys? Just in case you and take a look at the wild side. Yeah, it's a joke. There's no blow it. As a matter of fact, this is my 10th anniversary. I know you don't you you you haven't used 10 fucking years no using so it's it's a beautiful thing it's it's a beautiful thing you know it's it's a beautiful thing you know it's it's without pride below

you were bad man oh shit you told me how bad you were you know you everybody knew except me I had an idea I just didn't know for sure and shit but you know what you get to a certain point in your life where you realize you got to change you got to make it when I saw you know like When I saw a flight, did you ever see this? Oh, she's beautiful. Yeah, she's just a little woman. Yeah. She ain't even fucking around no more. Like, last night at our house at 6.30, it was a motherfucking war zone.

Yeah. It was a fucking war zone in my house at 6.30. My wife made pot roast. What does that mean? Because the kid don't want to eat pot roast, right? They're up to 5.30. Everything was kumbaya and the water. way home. There was no drama. She gets in the car. How's your day? Where's my kiss in Spanish? She gives

me a kiss. She climbs on the seat. Last week she stepped on bubble gum and I got it on my seat. Do I get pissed? Fucking not at all. She jumps in the car. She tells me about a fucking day. She beats us to death. And then she's like, where are we going? Like, where the fuck are we going home? She's like, I don't know. But where do you want to go? I want to go to the mac and cheese restaurant, which is fucking Boston Market. And then the Italian restaurant is Maria's. Yeah. And then sandwiches, Jersey mics.

She likes the salami sandwich with fucking cheese plain. You haven't introduced her to the Romas yet? No, no. She's not that type of sentence. She doesn't even think of nothing in there. So am I going to... That all sounds good. Apparently I have the same...

We're going to eat pound roast in that. She's like, I don't want it. She goes, do you don't even know what it is? versus like I just don't want it but you don't even know what it is and I'm hearing this back and forth I do that as a kid too I know mercy listen

what are you giving for just trying but you don't like it then mommy will make you something else but why turn you this into something I can't say that that's huh I go just try to pound roast but daddy I don't want it

mercy listen I'm trying to fucking save you here all right this is before the Bruce Lee clip I believe this is way before I put the Bruce Lee clip there was war at the house So I just played my hand And I sat down

And I saw her sit down And she's bitching My wife cut the meat for her With the carrots The whole fucking thing She's talking some shit over there Some nonsense And I'm waiting for this to eject

My wife sits down And she says let's say prayers Mercy say the prayers She goes I'm not saying prayers either I guess I get what I want I just fucking proceed To start eating the pot roast

Without it And watch where this would go And I loved it Every night 90 days she pushes the envelope deep. But it gets so deep that it bothers me because she reminds me and me. That's the same emotional

damage kind of I was fucked up and death and she gets pissed. So this went on for about 30 seconds. I'm not saying prayers. Mercy either. Say the prayers or go to bed. I'm not going to bed. And I'm like, oh, she's thinking of herself deep about a fucking minute.

Because I know my wife. My wife don't take no shit from her at all. I'll take a little bit of shit more than my wife. But now it's dinner time. I don't want to hear nothing at dinner. You want to argue, take it outside. I don't want no arguments while I'm fucking

sitting down. God's the master of this table and God don't like arguments at the fucking table. So I didn't say that. They kept going back. Mercy say the prayers. I'm not saying prayers. I don't want this. I want peanut. But Mercy, please just try the fucking meat. Finally, my wife goes, they go to bed.

She grabbed the push. I don't go to bed. She was in there like the exorcist. I'm not going to bed. I'm not going bad. I don't want pot roast. I just kept eating the pot roast. I ate the potatoes. I ate the fucking spinach salad. I took my heart bless her medication.

I sat there for about 10 minutes. She was still going nuts. And then she was jumping up and down. And kicking the floor. Like, boom, boom, boom, I'm not going to eat dinner. And I finally went in there. I'm like, listen, Doug, time out. You got to fucking knock it off.

I go, just taste the fucking meat. That's it. Just taste it. why are we going through all this? I don't want to eat it. I don't like it. Just fucking try it. It's a carrot. You always eat carrots.

Try the fucking carrot. He started jumping up and down. And then she pulled the daughter caught out. She knows how to pull the string and she put her hands out and came to me like I didn't see her 10 years. Like she had gotten kidnapped by the Colombian. She came to me like Papa. And I go, no. No.

I go, go fucking taste to me. I go eat the fucking meat. And she's like, I'm not on want her. I said, okay, I tried the bell you out. Don't, don't say that fucking bell you out. And I closed the door. I went out there and I could see my wife's face getting redder and redder. I said, you know what, I got to take a right to seven and I got to get rolling papers.

I got two boxes of rolling papers. In case it's a zombie apoculips. I got rolling papers hidden in baggies and waterproof fucking boxes. Just in cases a zombie apoculus, me and Lee are getting paid. 70-30. Anyway. So, well, why are we going in? Bro, when I left, there was shit going out of there, like it was the exorcist.

Yeah. I went to the fucking whatever, I bought some nicotine gum, and I took a ride the long way around the neighborhood. And when I got back, she was still at the dinner table with rosy cheeks, eating the pot roast and the carrot. I knew something went down. When I walked in, I could see my wife was upset. I go, what happened?

She goes, I had a read of the fucking riot act. And I was like, I don't want to know. And she goes, you have no idea. and but now my daughter walked up to me she apologized that I'm sorry I go bro it happens

but you gotta taste the fucking meat you can't just say you don't want you ate all this shit when you were a baby when she was a baby if she would eat the skin off salmon listen

only savages eat that greasy fucking skin off the bottom that gray shit off the salmon she would eat that disgusting gray shit and look at you like give me more disgusting

Kids are the fucking hardest thing to deal with, man. Rick Ramos, you're 43, you're funny, you're a good writer, you got a little resume, you got some tape, it ain't over to the fat lady six. Oh, it ain't over. Revamp, get a little notebook, write your goals down, just because you're not at the store, does not mean you're not a comedian. No, I know. It does not mean you have any heart. You've been here, now you've got to go. I know.

Now you've got to shoot a motherfucker. Now you've got no choice. You can't go home empty-handed. If you go home now, it's like I smacked you 10 times in the stomach and you pack your bags and left. So now you're 43. You got you got 20 years to retire. You know, Junior Soprano, how old was he when he got the Sopranos? You want to check IMDB?

You got a lot of life left. Well, that's the thing. Lisa, yeah. Listen to these stories, man. There's nothing to be afraid of. He's my brother, Rick Ramos. I never thought down of him or anything. But I always knew to you, through the safety that out,

your full commitment was not you're not going to book a roll you're not going to figure out how to book a roll until you're a little hungry until I'm threatening that little 200,000 you got hidden in Mexico and Bogota Nichols believe me, the money is long gone

stop, it's fucking God between the both of the years you got money hidden everywhere saving the bonds I wish I had a quarter of the money that you think I have bro you still got Nazi bonds you got something cocked-sucking I didn't know

I'm having bonds to the Jews You got more money You're fucking God Both these This guy worked As a school teacher Ten dollars a day He was making

Twenty-twenty thousand a year He quit one day He got fired Because he yelled They yelled Some little fucking Mexican kid He's like The kids were fucking assholes

What am I supposed to do You know Trying to be a teacher It's a tough job The shit that I put up with But you had comedy from it But listen brother Fuck all that shit

No it's the movies I didn't think When you came on this podcast tonight, I didn't even think we're going to talk about half the shit we talked about. But one thing that I always talk about in this podcast and leaves my witnesses, number one, you ain't done till you ain't done. Yeah. I'm 54, guys.

You ain't over. This motherfucking game is never over. I thought I was done at 40. I really, really thought I was done at 40, bro. I really thought I was done. To be 40, 54, I wake up every morning so happy. I can't even believe it. I can't, I don't even know who this guy is, but it doesn't matter.

I'm still here. And I still work just as hard, Rick. It's just a different hardness. Oh, I know you do. One thing you cannot have, you're already here. If you don't do it for fucking me, you don't do it for you. At least do it for Marilyn who's dead because she never had the chance. Marilyn always told me if she ever got back from the hospital,

she was going to revamp herself like Madonna. I mean, it's tough to believe. She was no Madonna. You know what I'm saying? Let me tell you something. You bothered me a little bit with what you said about how you shouldn't have acted that way at her funeral. Yeah. You and I both know that woman.

Yeah. She would have loved when she went down. She would have loved how fucking nuts and the violence. She was, I could hear her screaming during that whole thing. Do you know the only people I insulted that night? Oh, yeah. I insulted maybe eight people. There was only one person that I looked at and I contained myself because I really,

really, really loved them. That was Andrew Dice Clydes. Andrew kept asking me, what happened? Why are you so red? Are you okay? And I wouldn't even reply to him. I'm like, if I go back in that, I think I went back in there, and they were gone. Yeah? They were gone. So what happened was to continue the story, I'm trying to stay clean. I get talked into going to this fucking thing at the comedy store, and I go in there and I have a drink. And I go in there, and somebody went up first, and I go, Joey, you got to go up second and talk. I go, please don't put me up there. That was a big mistake.

And it was just a mistake. And I knew it. Lee, I know me. It was a mistake of me going down there. Because when I love somebody, when I go to a wake, it's all the people I died. Now I'm not crying for you.

I'm crying for Ralph. I'm crying for Anthony Bousan. I'm crying for Dominic Spatia. I'm dying for all the bodies. All those emotions, I had my mother, my father, all those people, you know dog I'm starting to miss Ralphie

Saturday sometimes I look at my phone just because Ralphie used to call me on the road on Saturday mornings I'd wake up for breakfast thinking I was in because I'm on the East Coast it's 8 in the morning it's 5 well he's not going to call me with a problem my wife ain't going to call me

and I'd be sitting there I just go to the hotel like I always get up early on Saturday morning I go to bed late and I get up early and then I fucking eat something at the hotel like old meal I get two eggs sunny side ups, wheat toast, and three pieces of bacon. And then I smoke a joint, I go back upstairs, and hopefully it's like a low-and-order marathon. There's two episodes of a long-in-aw-law.

Before fucking rush hour nine, you know what I'm saying? On TNT, and I watch both of those things, and then I just pass out. But I'll, if I fall asleep at 10, it's seven, I can't call my wife. But the only person who would call me every Saturday, he would look at my son. He would look at my schedule, see if it was on the road. He would always call me on Saturdays at 8.15 was Ralphie, man, no matter where I was. I could be that I'd see that phone fucking glittery. Who the fuck is calling me?

Fucking Ralphie. What's up, dog? I'm over here in this hotel. The food sucks. You know, the whole thing. So now it takes time. In Maryland, I don't miss as much as I used to when she first passed. I still think about it.

I took lead to El Cocinito and I showed Lee. That's where Maryland used to live. Out of respect. Maryland, he was sitting like this and they go right up there. It doesn't even look the same. I don't want to go back.

I went up there about two years ago. Whenever I go to the Cochinito on the way back, I make the U-turn. El Cotcinito is one of the finest Cuban restaurants in the area. It's become, it took them 19 years of eating there and they pushed me over the hump. And I finally took Lee two weeks ago.

We had to go do Be Reels podcast and we said, fuck it, let's take an Uber. I never took a leave there and I got the fucking, I got to leave the pork chunks with the fucking white rice and the black beans and tell them what else I got, Chunkulay.

Cuban fried rice. Oh, my God. With the plantains. Oh, flintains. Fried banana. Let me tell you something. They got the best fried rice in California that I've had. Yeah. Like, it's really fucking good. Like, East Coast a lot of sprouts, a lot of egg, green onions.

They got, like, pork. What else they got in there? Little shrimp. They have pork, ham. Ham, oh. They have everything in there. But you got to eat it there. Yeah.

Don't take it to go. No, it's not bad at home either. No, fuck. No, but it stunk up the car for four fucking days. Every time I got into it, I got fucking hungry. I'm a fat fuckily. I activate through odors, you know what I'm saying? What's going on there?

Everything good? You got any questions? Oh, go ahead. Right there, and then make it right. Right there. Lock the door and make sure the camera's not out. These people are disgusting. Perverts in this world.

No, but, God damn. I think about her. I think about her. It's weird because sometimes I don't think about her at all. And then, boom, she just pops into my head. No, she pops into my head. And it's just. I wish she was around to see my daughter.

I mean, she really fueled my love for cats. Yeah. We would talk a lot about cats. I would call her, and she knew everything about cats, and she'd bust my balls. I never forget the time I called her, and I told her I made a mistake with the cat. I thought it was a female.

She was, yeah, that's a fucking ass, though. Because I was calling the cat Princess. Give her a fucking fag complex. Yeah, and the cat was a male, and she found out. It's funny, man, when you do comedy with people, you build this weird bond, you know. Sometimes you guys are looking at Twitter or something. and you see a tour together

and you see four comics and you say, you said, wow, I didn't know Joey and Lee were friends. Well, we're on that tour together and we're big, four big names. We're probably really not friends. We just had to take publicity pictures

and we're making believe we're having a great time. It's like when you see George Clooney and Brad Pitt giggling on the car at one of those events. They talk on the phone every day, no, they see each other, and they're all on their best friends

because this camera is around. But the funny thing happens that those guys are making money, so they have to get along with each other and give you the persona that's going to be a great time. You don't see these people. Then there's a certain comic,

like Josh Wolf. Josh Wolf and I would call headlines in Seattle together. Back in 1995, again, it's 2017. This is 1995. And for maybe three years, him and I did all those local gigs in Seattle together. You and I were brothers.

this in the comedy store. Yeah. And Maryland was one of our sisters there, and I still remember the night you got passed. Oh, God. I still remember the night they passed you. How emotional you are. I called my mom.

Sure. From the pay phone. Remember, I called my mom for the pay phone. I was prouder of that moment than I was graduating from college. Okay. It meant so much to me. So listen, for everything that's happened in 20 fucking years here,

you got two major accomplishments. That can't happen to a lot of people. First one, you became a regular at the store. And you got passed by Mitzie Shrew. Yeah. You're not one of these Zoki Dulk motherfuckers. And number two, you also shot a Latino special. They still play on Showtime.

And we don't get a dime called. Nothing. Comedy Slam. You have so much to work for it. Don't give up at this point. I'm not. But do me a favor. Yeah.

It's 2017. You've been here so long. Every day you wake up, your mother's getting older. Your father's getting older. Your nephews getting older. Your sister's getting older. I know you want to be older. to be down there, make the days count.

If you gotta fucking get up every morning and be away from your mother, do me a favor. For one year, take the year off. I'll help you as much as I can. I will take you on the road as much as I can. But if you're calling me up like a man when they go, Joey, I'm gonna give this one more year.

And if I don't get to, if I don't get to fucking A, I will move back to fucking whatever and become a big celebrity down there and play you're all going at the baseball game and throw out the first ball. Let's go for broke. Let's go for broke. You know, I'm trying to do this Netflix thing. I'll take you on as many dates as I can.

You know what I'm saying? I got to spread it around, but at least just to give you some confidence and get you in front of good audiences from here on in, I want you to prepare. But the most important thing, the fear factor has to, you know, we had Wesley Walker in here yesterday.

Wheeler Walker. Again, I'm very sorry to do this to you. Hit it, Lee. Leonard-skinned, Oakland, 1977. Do you need to go anything? Are you cool? Okay. Is she in front of the campus, my love?

No. You know, I want you to think about this, because I was telling Wesley, we all have rough days. We all have days that, you know, not all of us. Yeah. Could be fucking Brad Pitt, bro.

God didn't throw us that card, and whatever. It's just... So there's days you wake up and you have doubts about what you do, what you're trying to do. You tell your father, I want to be a fucking piano player, and he's like, you're in no danger. Look at your fat little fucking fingers. You had a hard time wiping your ass to he was 16.

How are you going to be a piano? Nobody believes in what you're doing. You know, it's kind of weird. And put it... You know, remember we saw this. last night. Speed it up a little bit to like right there or something. You know, I saw this.

And for years, because of prior and the influences I had and being at the store and being put at the position, I was put up at the lineup, I would always load out a little bit, Lee. I would always, you know, you learned to be aggressive. Yeah.

But then I saw this. And this is an instant seeing, interesting as can get. This is the Oakland Coliseum. It's 1977. They didn't sell it out by themselves, I don't think. If somebody wants to look it up, I think that they were part of a tour

like them and Mata Hopal or something, like it was one of those Saturday afternoon things. Yeah, it looks like a festival. Like a festival type thing. It's Oakland. It's not Texas. It's not the South. Right.

Like this. Put this little loudly. Look at these guys and look at how they're acting. Okay, there's no Dancing, there's no matching outfits Do you think these guys really care What they look like when they went up on stage? Look at this guy, a singer with a hat on

With a T-shirt with maybe Wandy Warhol on it And I'll speed it up a little bit, my brother Maybe Right there They didn't get the memo That they weren't, people weren't, look at these people Yeah Look at this shit

Look at the Confederate flag They're in Oakland, Jack All right They got the president's on top It's 1977 Look it all the way up It's filled to the brim These are white kids

This isn't fucking This isn't the country Look at these guys on stage Do you think They kept their day job Look at the They don't give a fuck Rick They didn't even get the memo

They thought they were doing a bar in it At Bubba's house And they were gonna roast a pig Nobody told them they weren't open They don't have no problem If you don't have this attitude In this business now It's a motherfucker

And I know you can put this together Because I know for a fact For a fact You're way better than half the people That are doing movie shit You just have to dig deep And figure out how you can make a living Doing what the fuck you do

And I think I'm gonna hook you up With Mauricio Alvarado and do his little apprenticeship for 90 days and shit. Carry his little buttons and shit. I think you, Morrice, it would be a good fit. Because you're a funny guy, and you got two of the best credits you could have. I don't want you to feel defeated.

There's no reason why you should be doing extra work. Didn't we go that little gay guy for a while that was dating fucking, was that you and me, or was that Rivera on me? Which one? That we went to, what's a guy from Apocalypse now? Lawrence Fishburn. Remember we went to his boyfriend school?

Was it me and you? No, the thing was you and Rodrigo. Okay, it was me and Rodrigo. We used to have a little Mexican dude. Does that hurt, Rick? That he's like, oh, they're all the same? No, because Rodrigo and I sadly do look the same. No, no, no.

No, I know. We were all really into acting. And you, me and Rodrigo, were really talk about films. And, you know, I mean. We would talk about the same. scenes that really meant the most to us in those moments where you were like fucking that was that was real that was honest that was like you know put you on another level it's uh it's a strange love to have when you have the i have the love of cinema you have when i was 23 when i could when i was robin apartments when i had daytime to watch three or four movies in a row you know what i'm saying and now you know as you get older you want to watch everything i try to

watch everything on a plane you know as much as I can I watch Planet of the Apes I got totally the most racist thing I've ever seen in my life yeah I don't even want to watch that again that was you know that was written by racist people like what can we do to stop them

let's write a movie and put apes in there but the first like I said beneath the Planet of the apes the originals yeah beneath the planet of the apes is my movie I got you I was a little kid living in New York City and when I went to see that shit they took their skins off yeah remember that scene Yeah, I remember.

And there was all veins and shit. I loved it. You know, I'm telling you, sometimes it's when the movie hits you, when the movie. I don't know. I mean, when I saw Easy Money in a theater, and I was fucking 10. 1983, summer of 83. Yeah, which would have made me six, nine years old. It was the biggest home, like, America couldn't wait for Rodney to fucking do something.

Yeah. And the word was out. Dog Ronnie Dangerfield got his own mother. fucking movie. Like no more caddy shack. I'm not going to be a supporting character. And I didn't know. And I could lie to you and tell you I knew who Joe Pesci was.

I had no fucking idea who Joe Pesci was the first time I went to see Easy Money. But I remember that was the first time. And I'm naive or whatever. That was the first time. I've been to a lot of movies that I brought beer in there. And I don't drink. But the whole movie theater was banging out beers because you can't. appearing the bottles in the floor.

Clean, and roll down the hill. Like, there were moments. There were somebody in the back. How many of them were yours? I stood them up. I'm a gentleman. You stand them up until you leave,

and then you kick them over, and then they all roll at once. But during the movie, you don't fucking kick them over. So during this movie, every like eight minutes, you would hear the guy put the bottle down, and it would just roll. And half the movie,

And that's the movie theater would have laughed Yeah, that was when movie theaters were at a slam They weren't like this No, no It was like the comedy works Yeah, it was like boom

The comedy works It's always like a little sloping shit When you go down the comedy slip The comedy works That's the That's what people like About that club Yeah

That you feel like You're boring gladiating I'm a ride Yeah Let's see whatever the fuck he says Because the people are sitting Right around you Yeah

Like a little amphitheater. They're right there. That's beautiful. I mean, when you're at the Comedy Works, I'm here, and you're right there, bro. You're right there. You're right there. You're right there. Right on me.

Like, this, bang. That's why I got on stage the first time. You know how fucking intimidating that is? When you see something like that, I mean, it's just like, God damn. You know, the first time that I came out here, I guess it was 99, 98. I was selling radio airtime in Phoenix at a black, Soul Station. Nobody was buying this shit.

It had no fucking signal. And a buddy of mine got us tickets out here. And he was like, you want to go see LA? I was like, yeah, I want to move there. And I came out here on a Tuesday. And Paul Mooney was hosting the original room. And you know, I was a huge Paul Mooney fan. And I went in there and I watched this shit.

And I was just like, I want this. I want this so bad. And I would see, I saw Brian. Holtsman, I saw some of the craziest shit ever imagined. Brian Holstman still goes up there and they still put him up on Saturday nights at about one 30 and he goes up there and destroys that fucking rule. And you know, another guy. Yeah.

That when he went on stage, you were petrified. Yeah. You were like, when is this guy going to make it? That's how scary he is on stage. Oh, yeah. You like going to comedy. Next time on a Saturday. Saturday night, you guys want to go to Hollywood, a little late, a little late at 11 o'clock, there'll be 60 people in the audience. Go watch the true funniest guy in LA. If he's on fire and if he's clean, because he's clean now. Oh, he's clean? Really? Yeah, he's been clean for a long time. Oh, okay.

Former airport mechanic. Plane mechanic worked at the airlines, came out here would destroy the original room. I mean, we'd sit there in the back. Screaming. Screaming. I'll never forget when that. it was packed and he's like, I went to see a new Charlie's Angels movie. Were you there with me? We were fucking dying. Because that's what you do. You go in there.

Who's on stage? Brian Holston. Bye. Yep. Peeo! You go in the back, just ready to die. And he's in there fucking talking to mine.

I went to see the movie Charlie's Angels. Yeah, sure. I dare you. I dare when he used to do that karate move. I'll break your fucking neck. I'll take your little fucking neck and I'll fucking break it on the floor. And he's going off and we're in the back house. I'll throw you in the truck of my car,

drive around bumpy roads. Come on, bitch, bitch. We would sit back there. Me, Rogan, Mooney, you, Maryland. We would sit back there that those Holtsman nights and just spit would be coming out.

Yeah. I'll never forget the night they put the fart thing up there when he was up there. Put the fart. There was Vinnie Faberito. We'd go up there at night and put a fart machine under your seat. Yeah.

So you'd be sitting there all night with your wife and girlfriend and every time a comic would do a punchline, you would hear a fart. And after a couple minutes, a comic would go, I don't know who the fuck is farting, but whoever it is, you got to stop and you hear another fart. And then the comic would finally go, you know what, somebody's fucking with me. That's okay. All right, have a good night, ladies and gentlemen. And this went on one night for about three or four comics. And there was a fallout. Who's next?

Brian Holzer. And he's in the shitty mood. You know, he got there. He's pissed. He's drinking. When he was drinking, his comedy was... Oh, God.

His comedy was... It was something that, by the third minute, you were fucking dying. Yeah. He would go up there yelling and screaming. Just the most insane shit. Just the most insane crazy. Oh, the one about his mother.

That he had a kid and he used to suck his dick. What? And he's taking him to a baseball game. My son's, my gay son. My gay son. I have a gay son. That's what that was it. That was the one that used to make people get up.

I'm getting out of here. Remember what he would say was like, he's the best ball player. Most home runs, most batted in. And I take him out to the I-5 and I let him suck cock. I let him suck a truck driver cock. That's a resort. That's a reward. He sucks eight dicks.

He makes money. I love my gay son. And people would get up and run out of there or people would take the ride. But when he... They thought they were seeing the devil. When he was on his game... Yeah.

Scary. And then Damon Wayans walked in one night's own, put him on his show as a recurring character. Yeah, he just wanted to do it was. But he didn't want to quit his job either. He didn't want to quit his job. He didn't want to... Then he moved to...

Then he moved to, when he got clean and sold, but he moved to Hermosa Beach and became a dog catcher. that's the funniest fucking story. How can I be a dog catcher? So I would be down there with Rogan at the Ramosa Beach before I got banned from down there. Comedy Magic Club.

I'm banned for life. Before I got banned from them in there one night and Holstrom runs in. I do a guest guy. Why do you have a uniform on? You didn't know? I give out tickets and I'm the dog catcher. Friday with parking enforcement.

Yeah, he was parking enforcement and the dog catcher. Oh, my God. But the single funniest guy you'd ever seen? still comes up to the comedy store to fucking do spots on Saturdays. Ricka. Let me tell you it's been a pleasure to have you on the show and to see you. I'm so glad that we're

healthy and to know that you still have a lot of damage that needs to be done. You never answer me what you thought about the De Niro movie. Which one? The Irishman? Yeah. What do you think it's going to be like? What have you heard? What have you read? I'm thinking that this guy

you know, there was a moment in Silver Linus. That wasn't this movie done already they were talking about it they wanted to get it done I think there were a couple of directors involved in it they did them the Irishman

oh no no no that's a different film that was that was about a it was about a hitman who this is a hitman too but this was a this is based on a this is based on a book called you paint houses

right and in the storyline what would happen was when they wanted to off somebody they wanted to get rid of somebody they would call a number and they say i hear you paint houses which means that they're they're talking to a guy who shoot people in the head and paints the wall with blood you know and that's his name frank the frank the irishman something but that's that was a different film i have that film in my collection that was i can't remember the the actor but i know paul servino was in it and a couple of other people were it was a garbage shriper was in it as a garbage shripper was in it Robert Davy was in it, I believe.

Robert Davy was in it. That's the one movie. I think I read for that one, God Dick. They made like four movies, four mom movies that year. I went like 0 for four. Like 2009, right?

Yeah, yeah. Something like that. Yeah, it was like 2000. Yeah, somewhere around that. That year going into Christmas, I was doing a mafia movie and Spokane, Washington, where I had a warrant.

Yeah. I was like, how am I going to do that? They go five weeks. They already gave me a number. It was Val Kim or this one, that one. Wasn't a bad line. I walked in there, I killed them in the audition.

It was somewhere in the valley. And they said, but you were willing to go to a tailor and get fitted for suits? I said, yeah, the row was me. I never heard from the people again, never got the job. And after that, it was like three or four mob things

that I went out for in a row. And that was one of them. One of those fucking, what's that show on TNT? It's on ABC about the author that writes books and he's got a chick friend. Castle? Castle. Castle. Castle. Got a mobster on there once. You know how many times I've been in for Castle?

Probably eight fucking times. It's over now. Is it? Yeah, I'll never get cows. Cocksuckers. They like you. Yeah, but they never fucking book me. They like me, but they don't look me. Then I would watch the episode and there'd be a soprano on there. Once the soprano's ended, that was it. I couldn't get dick while the sopranos is on.

Even if you play the mailman on the sopranos. I'm not crying. I'm happy as fuck. No. And I'm happy that I got to see you, though. No, I love, I love being here. I love kitchen. I'm... What's the name of your podcast?

Watch this with Rick Ramos. We're talking about Harvey Weinstein this week. We're talking about the scandals. We're talking about all the way back to the early era, the silent area, Roscoe, R. Buckle, Virginia Rap. We're talking about, you know, Jane Mansfield passing away. I mean, people are talking about this Harvey Weinstein, like it's the worst thing. And they've been living this.

Exactly. Marilyn Monroe got passed around. God rest of his soul, that beautiful woman. They had a bang of the president, a gangster. You know, it was, it was. It's always been that way. It's always been that way. It's so funny that now they edge light on this fucking fake fucking thing.

This is what we were talking about. It was like, these people are vilifying Harvey Weinstein. Who's a fucking piece of shit, no doubt? But these are the same people that were standing in line to kiss Roman Polanski's ass. And he ass raped the 13-year-old girl. He drugged her. anally raped her, vaginally raped her, orally raped her. And they're saying, oh, we should forgive them and let them come back into the country.

Fuck that. This, this goddamn industry is evil on that level. And I'm just kind of disgusted with the whole now, this, this high and mighty bullshit. This shit's been going on for fucking years. Yeah. I want to know, you know what I almost put on whatever I was thinking about. How old are the agents that sent you to a hotel room? Yeah.

To me, it would agree. To meet with Stephen Seagal or these, you know. He's the assistant that walked out. What's that, my love? For those, an assistant, though. Yeah. Walks them up and leaves. Yeah.

Because they knew. You'd get them in there. Yeah. And then, you know. Well, didn't they say Bill Cosby had, like, like, NBC had people that would take care of it? You know what? That's the thing. When you're making money for them, they will cover up everything.

They will go out of their way, you know? And part of me is like, well, these women should have said something. And the fact that they took the money meant that, you know, it continued the victimization. But you know what? You're a woman in Hollywood. Sometimes you're sitting there telling yourself, they're not going to do anything anyway. I might as well get a little something out of it. Rose McGowan got like a million dollars out of it, you know?

But I'm glad they're bringing them down now. Fuck him. But in no way is this a unique thing? Kevin Spacey's not unique. This shit has been going on for years. Well, it's funny because I went to eat Tuesday night. I did a Greg Fitzsimmons radio show, and afterward I met my agent,

and he went to this restaurant and we were sitting there, and there were three other, like, big-time agents, supposedly. You know me, I don't say nothing, nobody. I just ate my fucking dinner. But the guy they were talking, and they go, first of all, he's not getting fired for what he did 30 years ago. He got fired for the shit that's been going on the last three years on this set.

Oh, yeah? You know, what people don't realize is, If you watch the movie by Liberace, it's one thing. But I read a book about him years ago. And something I watched, I don't know, maybe 15 years ago, before the movie was only made it, that towards the end, he got really creepy. Yeah.

Because they become queens. And now they get really aggressive. It's like boomerang. When the chick. Oh, when Earth the Kit. With Earth a Kit, Brass Home, Eddie Murphy. Have you seen that, Lee? I think you should move part.

Is that we should be parts of? I don't know. Boomerang, Earth the kit, and Eddie Murphy. Can you make it darker? Yeah. Darker. Yeah, go ahead. But he did it.

And that's what was great about it. Yeah, he ended up doing it because he knew. He didn't complain. He didn't sue. You know what was great about that? It said Murphy, Murphy played weak. And Murphy, you remember when Murphy hit, Murphy was the coolest motherfucker to ever do it.

Again, you know. I still remember walking into the movie theater on a cold night. Yeah. On a Sunday night to see fucking... Beverly Hills? No? Trading? Oh, 48 hours is on a whole of the...

Fuck that. Trading places I saw in a movie theater in Aspen, Colorado. Yeah. In 19... summer of 83. See if it says, Boomerang. Eddie Murphy wants the scene with Earth a Kid. Seduction. Earth a Kid Seduction.

E. A, R-T-H, something like that, right? Yeah, that's it. Do you remember he just, he... There he goes, right there, boomerang. But it starts in the living room. Oh, that's it, yeah, boomerang. Right there, it starts, the first one up on top.

It starts in the living room when the Black Butler answers to the door. And he's laughing his ass off. And he's laughing his ass off. Because he knows. And even when he turns away, you can hear him howling in the other room. That's the dad. like to get a little bit more. That's the boy?

Yeah, sure, why not? There's a very attractive woman standing on her bed and heels. She's about 65. Oh, God, yeah. Like a bathing suit, yeah. With a bathing suit from the 50s. She's one of the original cat women, remember?

She's got the hooded stockings on from head to toe, with those things stink automatically. They make a woman's feet smell funny. I like toes, I'll not your owl. I don't want them The burglar hat on The burglar hat on

Brighton here Wouldn't you like to dim it Make a little more romantic Oh she is kind of She's old Yeah Didn't see that That was

I remember that You know the cool thing There's a moment Remember when Robin Givens comes over She fucks him And then she leaves And she's like I really need it

that and he's just like you know I had tickets for us I spent this or that and he looks over and there's $200 on the on the nightstand and then he just pulls the he pulls the covers up on himself he's like call me and it's just like you didn't expect Murphy to do that

you didn't expect Murphy to Murphy was all I always thought that Murphy was a hell of a better actor than he was ever given credit for yeah me too yeah I always talking Murphy banging out when you watch him and nutty professor he knows what it is to be a fat guy but I liked them in fucking still 48 hours

and trading places I stormed on that camera coming up on him the thing about boomerang was why I like boomerang is when this movie came out I was in the dumps all my personal life was fucking shredded I had this little white girl I was in love with

she moved to New York City and shit I was in Boulder all alone I was doing stand-up twice a week. I was eating valiums. I was snort and blow. I was just lonely and I used to go to a video store and rent movies every day. I was going to

ask one movie and one stand-up special and write notes from the stand-up special about what I liked about that style. You were studying it. And I watched boomeran and I went off the charts. That scene with Chris Rock

just a bunch of things. They just have 15 great scenes in that movie that I think it's a gem that now a lot of people want I like those movies when I get surprised when I'm fucking in shock like how good the movie is

there's a lot of movies that you watch that the first hour would take you in that direction like fuck I'm onto something here but then you're like fuck they give me such a disappointment yeah like the last three Johnny Depp movies like the fucking one about dark shadows

it started off great it was a great first hour the one with De Niro, the family I watched the first hour that I'm ready to go. I loved it. I loved the movie. The fucking girl and that, the young girl. Oh, the daughter's great. The daughter is fucking... The daughter is fucking... The son makes me laugh.

The son is great. There's so many movies that you see that you're like, Jesus, there's a little hope now. I was hoping so much more from Black Mass, speaking of Johnny Depp. Oh, yeah. I thought that... Whitey Bulger? Yeah, I was hoping for a lot more from that. You know what, man? I thought the movie,

was well done. I thought his acting was great. I think the sale of the gangster anymore, that whole appearance since the Sopranos, it just got wiped. It changed the game, you know? It changed the game. So that's why Whitey Bulger, we all know about him. Like they're releasing Gotti this summer, all right? Yeah, Travolta. Travolta. What are you going to have going to do? Travolta's done. I mean, it's not. Travolta always comes back, but he always comes back.

He was great on that OJ thing. But I don't think. You know anything about John Gotti? Do anything about John Gotti? Okay. Enough to make you pay $12 on a Friday and go get two tickets and go watch it? Probably not.

No. You know, people are too, people to... The time, look, the era of one that is being set is too close to Goodfellas. And Goodfellas is the greatest ever made. What's the movie you like with Jim Carrey? What's the best movie Jim Carrey ever did? Yeah.

Oh God. The fucking brother where they go on the mission to Aspen to go get the girl. Oh, Dumb and Dumber. Yeah, Dumb and Dumber. Dumb and Dumber, he could have done three sequels. Dumb and Dumber was such a great movie. You would have paid 20 for the fucking sequel. But he told you to go fuck themselves.

Then they released it 20 years later. What happened? It ate shit. Three people went to see it because guess what? Nobody remembers no more. Nobody gets a fuck anymore. We wanted it. a year after you released that,

we would have gone twice and to see it. That's how much we wanted that second one. You know, it's timing. Everything is really timing with what's going on. The problem with that is always, you know, a comic wants to prove that he's got dramatic chops.

He doesn't want to be dismissed as just a funny guy because it's not respected. When comics should really embrace how hard it is to make somebody laugh. Nobody, you know what? A lot of people can do those dramatic roles. I don't know of an actor work. in today who could do easy money.

There's not a fucking actor who could go in and make you believe that he's Rodney, drinking, drugging, gambling, and taking baby pictures in the morning. Who could do that? The guy that, the one guy, there's one guy that could do it. If anybody could do it, there's only one guy that could be set down on this mission. The guy that played the brother in the boxing movie with Marky Warburg. Bale? Christian Bale? Christian Bale could play that guy and make it funny?

You can do anything. Okay, I'll give you that. If I had a, if I had a make a movie and you came to me, and you said, dog, I got the rights from Rodney's wife to remake this movie. The part of the bartenders going to Joey Diaz, when they insult them, I just want that scene. You just want that scene? I just want that scene.

This is why it stinks like shit in here? You want that guy? No, I want the other guy. Oh, the guy who closes his bar? Yeah, what are we going to do? I don't know. I don't know. I've got a horse in the night.

What do you mean? We've got a horse in the night. Really? He looks over. There's a guy at the bar passed out. He reaches in the register. Let's go. Here's your dollar.

Here's your dollar. We're closing up for the day. We're going to the track. Anybody who owns a business would not. You know, all those scenes took me back. Like, I had just lived really. that. Yeah. Like I was living in Snowmast Village. I'm lonely as fuck

up there and easy money comes out. Yeah. And that's what I just went through. What are we going to do today? Well, Lee needs to go here. What do you need to go there? What do you need to do that? Well, I got to go to this, find this for my mother. When did she need it? Tomorrow. Guess what? Get in the fucking car. We're going to go to the

track down there. That's turkey sandwiches on the way. I can't. I told my father to have the car home by five. Tell you your father, you're MIA. It's over. We're taking the car. Telling me with me and almost that's how life was yeah and that's how they lived it and they were adults you know where's your father he's taking baby pictures what type of baby is up at 9 o'clock at night and they switched to him being in the strip club straight up looking at the girl's tits you know that

they don't even think that that that would insult people today that would you know the fucking opening where he's taking baby pictures like and the joint falls out well be even before that who's the baby who's the baby here he's like how old are you you, I'm this. Yeah, well, call me when you're this. You would never get away with that line today. Every time I show that to people, they lose their fucking minds. What day does your podcast get dropped?

I'm going home balancing everything and putting it tonight. So what days is it usually drop? Wednesday, excuse me. Every Wednesday, what's the name of you? Watch this with Rick Ramos. iTunes. It's on iTunes. It's on SoundCloud.

Listen, if you want to really know about movies and actors and directors and timepieces on where the movie was made and how it was made in the budget, This is the fucking guy, right? I wouldn't put him on here. I'm sorry we didn't go into movies. You know what happens if we're going to movies? This will be like a fucking Dave Chappelle show. This will be a nine-hour podcast.

My friend has shit to do. Lee is dying for us to leave. He's got a yum- yum-dum donut hidden somewhere. I can tell he bought three yum-yam donuts in the truck of his car. He knew we were going to go deep tonight. So he's like, let me get three young- yum donuts. There's nights I sit here with him. And I can tell him. He's my brother, and he loves me. I love being around him.

But after you guys leave here, me and him are sitting here, there's one point where he just gives me this eye, like, it's time for you to leave. And I know that if I come back, I'm like catch him with a big sandwich. I know there's like... He's got a hit in here somewhere. Oh, please. There's a jersey mic under a chair somewhere around here. There's a burrito that smothered because he gets angry at me for... Every time I tell him something, he's like, yeah, yeah, it's a great idea. I don't call me tomorrow.

like he throws me out because there's something hidden around in something. There's something in this car. If I even eat food in here like six hours ago, you're a professional. I know you.

You can smell it. No, I can't smell it because I'm not coming back. You're taking outside like a professional. I don't eat outside here. You sure? Oh, my God. I love you, motherfuckers. I'll see you Tuesday.

I'll see you Friday and Saturday. at the New York Comedy Club You know I love you motherfuckers And I'll also see you Next Tuesday at the Comedy Store And you also How about the night before Thanksgiving At the Irvine Improv?

That's how we're doing it, motherfucker But don't forget one thing And you know me I've been working with these guys for a long time Why? Because it's a great product Number two, they give you a risk-free 60-day guarantee And number three, I believe in the thought

Listen, I'm no hard Harvey Weinstein. But from time to time, I wish a naked lady fell out of the sky. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I have the hungers and desires

everybody else want. But if this lady lands on you're naked and she stinks like a billy go, what good is it? You're just going to push her aside. There's no hose in the middle of Broadway. That's why I believe in this product. I want everybody's monkey to be fresh.

I want your assor to be fresh. It's tough. How much you got? I got to watch that muffler, three, four, five times a day. Some people take a poop. they wipe their ass, they walk around. I take a poop.

I go right into the shower. There's no need to wipe because the odors are unrestrainingable down there. You understand me? But I know this is going in because I'm a professional fucking savage. So now I could have just came here. I took a shower, even though I'm just going to sit here

and sweat my ass up. Because I believe in ass and monkey and slinging dick hygiene. That's why I believe in Tushy. Thanksgiving is the time to express your gratitude and recollect on what you truly grateful for. But you listen, you know what you're grateful for? People come over your house,

they watch your TV, they eat the appetizers, and then right after the turkey, they blow up your fucking bathroom. You go in there and it looks like Nakasaki. There's blood, there's towels, the soap's fucked up. It smells with like candles on top of candles, on type of lightsaw, on top of eight different, different shits. Even the bathroom, there's a hand coming out with a white flag. Like it's had it and shit like this. But the best of it, The best thing is you don't want your grandma, Lucille, walking around with a gravy butt because all she had was a flimsy toilet paper to wipe with. Tushie will wash away all the mash fucking potatoes and all the mildew that last around the muffler.

Me, I had a lufa before. I had a luf. I cut it down when I wrapped my finger in there, and I would circle around my muffler to clean off the mildew. But now, I don't need to do that because I won't have to. those mashed potatoes with the gentle stream of water straight to my butt, giving it the best clean it's ever had. I mean, you want to leave with leftovers, but not hanging with fucking their assholes.

So make sure you're ready for the holiday bum rush with Tushy. Stop wiping with that fucking nasty toilet paper and get on the holiday bum rush, okay? You know why? You want to walk around with a clean ass. So hellotushy.com. That's the way to go. Again, you're like, Joey,

Where do I get these motherfucking biddies? Hello-tushy.com. 60-day money-back guarantee. I'm going to take care of you. I got a Tushy bidet for $69 with a risk-free 60-day trial, all right? Plus, if you go to hellotushy.com and use the code church, I'm going to give you 10% off. Now, who's better than your Uncle Joey? You're going to feel more confident, and your asshole is going to stink fucking tremendous, okay?

Who's better than you? Who's going to Santa Claus going to go to you? You got a stinky ass. Santa Claus ain't coming over. You understand me? So go to hellotushy.com right now and use the code church right now to get 10% off your order. How's that for you?

And it's not only that it's not stinky, it feels fresh. It feels fresh. It's amazing. Lee and I live with that thing. I have the cold one and I love it. I love it. I don't take a shit unless that. Sometimes I'm on the road, I think it take a shit.

I hold it to Sunday. You could take it on the road. You could take it on the road. Yeah, but then I got a thought. fix it. What if I break it? I don't take that chance. That's my personal fucking Tushy. And we've had it for what? We're overweight. And if that thing is

fucking washed our ass and worked, how long is it going to last? Go to hello-tushy.com right now. It's fucking tremendous. I want to thank my man, Rick Ramos. What's the name of the podcast? Watch this with Rick Ramos. And I want to thank my little Christ killer. Lee Syatt for always being my partner

and crying. And there's your uncle Joey. If I don't see it this weekend, I'm sorry their tickets sold out. but if you live in the LA area I'll see you Tuesday night in the original room right thank you very much for listening I want to thank Rick Ramos have a great weekend stay black Uncle Joey loves you

that's it