The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #533 - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: November 14, 2017

Josh Wolf, comedian snd host of the "Fairly Normal" and co host of the "Prinze and the Wolf" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever! ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 11/13/2017.
  

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Number two, but days are back. Let me explain a situation that's going to happen. In two weeks, your family's going to come over the house. They're going to eat turkey. They're going to eat pie, pumpkin pie, salads. Everything's happy. But if you invite 10 people, four people are going to go in your bathroom and fuck that motherfucker up.

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We ain't fucking around tonight. Monday, the 13th of November. A little something for black people. This is one, black people with black people. Listen to this guitar. Kick it, Lee. You motherfuckers want problems? You got them. The church of what's happening now.

Josh Wolfe, my favorite Christ-killer, Lee Syed. And your uncle Joey Dears. direct. No Skype. No periscope. Just beaming through the fucking airwaves. You understand me? Here we go. Kick it, Lee. Smooth. Just when you thought it was safe. We're in your fucking living room. Greetings, cock suckers. Welcome to the church. What's happening now? Josh Wolf, my man, Lee Syatt. Everybody's in the house. Before we get this started, if you came to the shows in New York, thank you very much. If you got hit in the head with a chair, I'm sorry. things happen at the church reunions

it's like an Irish wake the church reunions somebody always leaves with a bottle get hit in the head but listen we had great times you guys are family thank you very much for showing up

but you said you didn't even know I didn't even know it was going on what was going on yeah I thought it was like Puerto Rico in my fucking in the stage there was chairs thrown and shit but hey that makes for a good night people like entertainment

and stuff like that it's memorable it is very memorable What's up with you, Mr. Wolf? Where were you this week in Atlanta, Georgia? Yeah, man. How was that? I love that club, the punchline down there.

The new punchline? Yeah, do you like that? I never been there. I really like it. They love you. Marcy loves you down there. Okay. We were talking about you.

But that club is just cool. It's in Buckhead now. And I love the Atlanta crowds. How far is it from the airport? It's still the hour? 25. Okay, it's not the long one. No, 25.

No, no, no, no. That one was, they're not at that anymore. They're in like Buckhead. It's like 25. Five minutes? Oh, this is a punchline. What was, what was you? Yeah, punchline.

There was an improv for a little bit, but punchline was the one that you did. The punchline was the one you did, but it was way out there. Way out there. Right. But this one is just closer to downtown. Yeah, I didn't like that fucking long ride on Monday. You were in the middle of nowhere, too. That sucked.

Because you couldn't get out of the hotel and do, you were in the middle of fucking nowhere. I like, like I'm getting a little older. I like the. the gigs to be somewhere where I can get out of the hotel and just like see something. Just something walk to something. You know what I mean? I'm in the same way. I like the sun. I could tell when you're in your hotel room too long. Like some mornings I go down and get

breakfast, smoke a joint, you go back to your room, you read, you're right. And it's 11 o'clock and you're like, something's not right. Yeah. Something's not right. And you go outside and you're like, this is what I need. I need the sun. And you want to go somewhere. When they put you in those hotels that are close to the industrial park, those are the worse The first one in Austin A couple years ago

Yeah like the one in Austin But then I made them Bring me back to Double Tree But you know sometimes You're in your hotel for too long This weekend The Do Not Disturb was on the door all weekend And I didn't really leave the hotel room

So at one point Housekeeping knocked and asked Is everything okay Is everything okay And I was like everything's okay And I'm like, are you sure? I'm like yeah I'm fine

They're like, do you need anything? I'm like, no, I'm good. It's like sometimes I just get stuck. Sometimes I just get stuck in the hotel room. Sometimes, you know, if you're not in the air, I just get stuck and I just pulled the fucking shades and I'm there all weekend. Well, a lot of people understand is, you know, I was talking about the downfall of Houston. We spoke about the Houston comedy sound.

I was talking to you about it. And we were talking about, you know, when you went to Houston 15, 20 years ago, it was such a party. The whole week. And it was a great party. What was that club? The lap star. Yeah. That was it.

And it started Tuesday and you were there until Sunday. Oh, yeah. And you stayed till Monday for the open mic because you never missed the open mic there, you know. And when you left there, I realized that a lot of those guys drank every night. Like, they just went from headliner to the headliner. You know what I'm saying? Like, who's here next week? David Tull.

Oh, we're back here tomorrow. Who's here next week, Mitch Hedberg? Yeah, yeah. You know, they had those type of lineups. So when they came to. Houston, when they came to LA, they'd see the same comics. And now we're not drinking, you know, because you're in L.A. You've got to get up an eight. You got to be sharp.

People don't understand. When you go on the road, you're a different animal. You have to be. Now, there's two different types of animals. There was what I was till 10 years ago. If I knew I was leaving Wednesday night, I wouldn't snort Monday and Tuesday. Because I was like, what's the use? It's a waste of snort. I can only snort to one. I can't start until 10, and my wife falls asleep. And on the road, I could start as soon as I get off stage and stay in that hotel room.

Did you snort the entire time you were on the road? Yeah. Did you? From when you... There was never a weekend that I didn't do Coke or score it in one way or another. It got worse. It was like towns like Houston, Miami. That was just for me, was a snort a time.

Yeah. You know, it's like those guys that sell T-shirts. That's why I don't sell T-shirts. because I never want to come back to you when you go, how was your week of his old 80 T-shirts? Yeah. You didn't tell me nothing about your comedy.

You didn't tell me if you bombed the third show. You didn't tell me that you improvised. You didn't tell me that you had great crowds. You didn't tell me nothing. You know, it's the same thing. I didn't go there for the comedy. I went there because I had three Coke dealers and I was about to make $1,600 bucks in two weeks.

Did you book cities that you knew you could get coke in? Absolutely. El Paso, Houston. Miami, Buffalo, anywhere where I knew it was right there in the club. Like, I don't have to fuck around and wait for Johnny's place. El Paso, like Kelly Moran? No, he was somewhere else. He was in Lubbock.

Well, maybe he wasn't in Lovick in those places. You know, wherever you are in Texas, there's blow. So no matter what time you go, all you need is three hours, and you bump into a Mexican. I was in 10 minutes a mule come around the hill with bales of blow. But no, that's the way it was towards the end. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I went out for the yard. I went out because I knew I was going to stay somewhere where I wouldn't be bothered.

One of the worst Coke binges I ever went on was a Rogan in Vegas. He had nothing new. And I'll tell you how bad I was. But he had no idea. No idea. And I was getting Coke from a guy in Vegas that was giving you an eight ball for 90 bucks. No, no. Maybe like 110.

But for $1.25. he gave you a come-down kit. So he'd give you two Vicodins, two Xanaxes and something else. Something crazy. Like nothing spectacular. A real wheelier and dealer this day. So I would tell him don't give me the Xanax.

Give me the Vicodans, which is no Buono. So we got it on a Thursday night, and my friends were in town from Jersey. They were like a big-time hotel, and they kept calling me going to come over. I didn't see them the whole weekend. I had a show on Saturday. I went in there on Thursday.

Like Joe didn't get until Friday. I had a whole night without Joe. Like they called and said, do you want to do radio Friday? Joe doesn't want to do it. You got a room Thursday night? Yeah, I'm honest. And I would go to Vegas, call that guy,

and he was so tight with the hotels that he was walking it right to your room. You know, most hotels don't let you go up the elevator. Without the midnight, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He knew everybody. He greased everybody's palm. Ten minutes he knew.

Where are you? I'm at the hotel right next door. I'll be there in ten minutes. You're like, ooh. Because you got like a little bit left. You know what I'm saying? So you got to make the call. You're like, that's not going to last.

It's 3.30. I got to go to those seven a.m. I mean, that's a good drug dealer right there. Oh, he was a brilliant drug dealer. I remember, I forget who you were complaining about, who you were complaining that they were a bad drug dealer. But I remember when we were, made me laugh.

You were like, this motherfucker is the worst drug dealer. You were like, he doesn't pick up the phone. I'm like, dude, he's a drug dealer. You're like, they got to have some etiquette. They got to have some etiquette. That's why you always got to owe your drug dealer something. Yeah. How much I owe you, 160?

Shit. I only brought 120. I'll call you the mind with the 40. Don't pick up the phone. You own $40. Oh. Look at this guy. You always got all your attorney money.

He sends you a bill for $25. You said I'm 2250 You're like a mental gene What happened to me? I got you on the phone, didn't it? I always got to keep you on a hoop You know the lawyer opens That fucking mail and is like

This motherfucker This might always under Especially when the bill says 2500 And then he calls you Now he has to call you and ask you what happened and you still go over your case for him, and he can't charge you because he called you. Wait, if they call you, they can't charge him?

No, no, because he's calling me for the money, but by the way, by the time I got your phone, let me ask you a question about something. I just got a subpoena letter here. Oh, my God. I mean, I'm going to try that. You always, if you have a problem with people picking up the phone, yeah, all money.

Oh, yeah, they will pay. You always pick up the phone. I had those drug dealers on fucking speed dial. That really, Listen, and I've heard you say a lot of things. That makes about as much sense as anything you've ever said. I don't get. What's how they bought?

180? I love when they leave that hinge, that hook. Yeah. That's how I get you. How much? 155. I'll give you 140. What about the 15?

I'll be back tomorrow. Open the door. What about the 15? I'm just so. And then tomorrow, I come back for a gram at 60. So what do I owe you? 75, so I'll come with 50. And now I owe you 25.

So I get you deeper in the hole without you even knowing. I used to all, when I was running those street drug dealers, El Campadre always had to pay cash. There's nothing you could do that. That's cash and carry. But the other two guys, I always owe them money. I owe them money until they actually threaten me. Is that right?

Yeah, like Joey. Come on. The tab is too high. Yeah. And I'd have the money. I'd have the money, but I refuse to give it to them. because my addiction was so strong I never wanted them not to pick up the phone

I always told them the next day I'd have that 700 for you I got the 700 tomorrow then I call them and show up with two in front of another eight ball so now I got you back to the fucking 625 How many people would you owe money to it at one time? Three? What years were that?

What years were those? Okay, when I was in New York everything's cash and carry, you know, $40 if you go into Manhattan. But when you get personal dealers, people who sell out of the house, they're cash in there. They're always, you treat them good for them once, you keep them on point, then you start smacking them around. It's fucking crazy. I have to tell you, the thing, one of the things that I like the most about the legalized weed out here is that you don't have to go to that dude's apartment and get your, and just, sit on the couch and pretend like you like him.

Do you know what I mean? And pretend like you want to smoke a joint with him or whatever or pet his dog or whatever the fuck. You know, I'm really glad that that part, because you'd be knocking the door and he'd be on the couch. He's like, come in, come in, and fucking, you know. I don't miss that at all. Like, tonight I didn't stop at the weed store.

But it's the same shit. I've got to park. I've got to get out. I've got to take my wallet out, give my fucking license. Sometimes I don't have cash. I go to a Russian ATM machine, which means Trump got my fucking license number, an ATM number. Then I go on that, by the way, it's the same fucking thing.

They throw these hot girls at you that don't know about weed, and they give you what gets them. I mean, why they weigh a buck 10, and they listen to whatever their boyfriend says. So I'm in the same predicament. By the way, when people tell you that their weed is good, they have no idea. I throw it away.

I try to help people out and try to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this ain't going to do nothing to me. There was a kid at the ice house for three weeks. This is my test. There was a kid at the ice house kept bugging me for three weeks. Hey, man, I grew this weed. Here it is.

Talk about it on the show. Now, I smoked it at night. Nothing happened. The next morning I got him nice and early, nothing happened. While I take a shit in the morning, that first shit, I'm smoking at the same time because I got the bathroom the door now. And nobody knows nothing. So I'm shitting and smoking at the same time.

If I call you at 7.30 in the morning, I'm smoking pot. Rest the sure I'm taking the shit. I'm sitting there with the pipe smoking it. Then when I finish, I wipe my hands. I wash my hands. I pick up the pipe again. And I go back to the town. How often when you call me in the morning, are you taking a shit?

If I'm calling you in the morning, sometimes I'm sitting at my desk. But if I go in the bathroom, I use it, that's my phone time. So I'll smoke. While I'm writing tweets and shit. Yeah. People call him because they're like, oh, he's awake. I'm awake, but I'm not going to stop. doing what I'm doing for you.

Yeah. I'm on a row right now. I'm listening to music. I got weed. I'm not stopping to talk to your dumb ass about whatever. So don't even bother. My phone's on the charger anyway. So now when I go to the bathroom,

I return those calls while I'm smoking. So he talks to you when he's taking a shit all the time? But I don't tell people I'm taking the shit. I'm not that rude. I just take the shit and talk to you about business, whatever. Oh, my God. I did a podcast once on the phone and this kid took a peed in the middle of it. Oh, yeah?

He never released it. He took a pee during the middle. You can hear the pee. He never released a lot. That's why. The podcast. But it's just, it's really crazy when you, what are we talking about? We were on a good stuff.

Yeah, I don't. Drug dealers, weed dealers. Yeah, all that shit. I like going to drive. I miss going to drug. It took me the longest to get a license because I did not like the whole process of it. I missed the Friday. I missed getting your $200 check.

I really miss getting your $240 check and getting your check cash in it, going to the bank, putting $100 in the bank, a $140, and going to that weed dealer's house and buying your little $35 bag of weed and putting it in the trunk and driving home knowing it's illegal. And then you'd stop at a liquor store, you stop at the Coke dealer's house.

You've got to stop at your rolling papers. It's a complete... I liked it because you can still do all of that except replace going to the weed dealer's house with walking into a store with lots of options you know what I mean? Too many options though

I like places that I wish I mean I wish in my I told somebody that they're but better weed now or before we came 20 years too too early because I wish that I could put a can camera, tap it, and show people my memories. Like, I really wish, there was a place I bought Coke at that you just walked in.

There was a dinner table. Where was this? A card game. It wasn't even a dinner table. It was a card table. That's it. And two couches in the living room. In Hollywood?

No, fucking Hollywood. NYC. Old school, where you'd walk in, there'd be a guy with a gun. Three guys with guns at the door. Columbians are Dominicans. and you sit in the couch, see, after that. And then you're next. You walk in the room.

There's two bags of Coke. There's a little electronic scale. Got put a card on the table. You snort it. Takes the other batch. You snort that. What do you want? 35, 25, 25.

You get it. He puts an aluminum foil, gives it to you. Gives the cash. There's some other guy on the way out. And that's it. On the hallway, they got three people, garden.

just like that. I used to buy Coke at places like that. One of the first places I bought Coke was was on 137th in Amsterdam. And there was a Colombian disco. And in the daytime, they fought chickens. So I always went at night. Now, at night, you'd walk in there,

and there were people at the door fucking lit. Like, this is 82, 83, with guns. All right? The guy check on an ID, you would have a gun. And you'd walk in, and you'd say, I'm here to see Josh. And right there, they'd press a buzzer, and Josh's head would be DJing. So Josh would be DJing. Okay?

You know, 82 spinning the records must be the music. To all these Spanish people who don't speak English, you know, and they charge them $7 a beer and doing the Spanish stuff. You'd walk into the DJ booth. He closed the day. door and before he closed the door he'd stick his hand in the door you see the if I open the door the door has a thing up on top they caved it out and they'd hide the coke in there in the top of the door top of the door so he would stick his hand out

take the baggie out and he had a scale in between the two turntables it was crazy this is 82 I was in high I still remember that the night that you know when they do the senior awards most likely to succeed Like that night, for example, my friend Sabatino's father had a liquor store. So our plan was to go into the city, cop, get weed, coke, and on the way back, robbed a liquor store. He had the keys and the alarm codes. I will never, ever forget that night. So think about it.

The night that you're giving away a ward. Yeah. Me, this kid Fernie, and this kid stinky went into the city while. the awards were on and we picked up four eight balls, ludes. You know, by the time we got to the awards ceremony, it was over. I had quit high school already.

But the kids that I went with were like, my friends came on there like, you won. The kid that drove won Best Body. And he was with me getting high in the city. But you would walk to the back through. People would be dancing and you'd walk through the dance floor. They'd open the DJ thing for you and he'd get the Coke from the door and he'd sell you whatever you.

You want a couple of eight balls and shit. Rams of Coke. That was it. At that time, that's all I was buying. I wasn't buying ounces or nothing. But that's like a Chewy's hat. Like Chewy's hat. Yeah, so you would walk out of it.

But I've gone to some tremendous places to cop. I mean, I can write a fucking book. Mr. Wendell, remember that song 20 years ago? Mr. Wendell. The black dudes that were hot. No, Mr. Wendell? Put on YouTube and put on Mr. Wendell. You remember this.

How old are you? 44. Forty-eight. Yeah, you remember this song. This came out in 93. Mr. Wendell? Yeah, it was a black song by the popular black group. Wasn't it?

Like the Fuji, one of those, you know, like those, they all came. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what happened to the other guys? The Filipino, the two black guys and the chick. They're done. You know, the chick that was married to the guy on NBC, and then he cheated on it, a strip thing. She's from the valley.

She's from the valley? East Filipino. Yeah, the black dude. Arrested Development. Oh, yeah. You don't remember this fucking song. Arrested Development. See?

Yeah. Fast forward this to the song, Mr. Wendell. See, we remember. Keep going. See? So we used to go to a place on 125th. That's a good league. I just wanted the memories.

We used to go to a place on the 25th and Broadway. And he was an old black dude. Old. He had to be 70. And all he had was wise potato chips, a couple sodas, and bulletproof glass. And you went in there and you'd say, what do you got? He'd say, I got Buddha tied today, tens and 20s. And I'd confuse him.

I'd say, give me three tens and two-twenties. And he'd go, what? Two-twenties? And all of a sudden, next thing you know, he would put him under the thing, like seven of them for me to look at him, and I'd clip one. I had Mr. Wendell down to a science, poor old guy.

This was when I was broke, broke, broke. When I'd go over there with $28, $20 for the bag and eight to get over him back. That's enough for a hot dog. Dude, I got to say, the first time I went to a dealer's house to buy coke, I was probably, I don't think, I think it was, it wasn't until I was like 19 or something like that. I was in college. The dude scared the piss out of me on purpose. So they do, yeah.

On purpose. So, oh, dude, because he was, I went with a buddy mine, and he just said, only one. and he pointed to me he was like you come on and so my buddy he was like and you go wait down the street so he my friend went fucking walked down the street

and I was like damn it and he had this Doberman lady that as soon as I walked in just walked right up to me and followed me growling the entire time and he was sitting down right there

and I sat on the couch and the dog sat right by the edge of the couch just staring at me growling. And I was like, hey, this man, if this is like a bad time or you need me to come back or whatever, I'm happy to do so. You know, if you and lady need to, you know, take a walk or whatever. And he was like, no, now's a good time.

He's like, what was that? You needed? You needed some Coke? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, all right, I'll be right back. And I just hear him go, lady, stay. And he just disappears in the other room. And the fucking dog is just right there, just staring at me growling.

And I was just like, what the fuck is about to happen? Like, I seriously thought, if I run, for sure, the dog is going to bite me, right? Like, 100%. So I was just sitting there. I'm like, I'm just trying to stay fucking cool in the least bit. And dude, it was gone. felt for like three, four minutes. And he starts laughing.

He comes back. He goes, you lasted longer than most people. And I was like, oh my God. He was a lady go and runs away. And I was like, whew. He was like, I was just testing you, man. I was like, for what? He was like, just to see if you were going to, you know, shit yourself.

I'm like, yeah, I basically did, man. I basically did shit myself. And I never went back and bought coke from anybody ever again. I always got somebody to get me coke. because I was like, I'm not fucking... Cook dealers were always doing that shit. My first cook dealer was Patty Dee. Another guy that wore a robe.

Yeah, man. Like, why? Why a rope? But he made the best tuna. He put lemon juice on it. He squeezed fresh lemon. Why are you eating his tuna? Because he would offer it to me sometimes.

I would go over that. Then I had this other... Like, the funniest things happened when I was younger. I'm going to drug... These are the things I remember. Never mind the things I forgot, you know? The time I went to gun. He went to his house to sell him a fucking bidet,

one of those fucking things where you put your glasses in and dishes. What? Dishwashers? No, I stole this fucking thing. You ever go to your mom's house and she's in a fucking kitchen. She's got a thing that holds her wedding dishes and silverware and glasses. Yeah. I found one on the street one day in a box, me and my friend, and we picked it up and stole it.

And we brought it to him. And that night I went back to get the money from him. And he had the robe on and he had a chick over there. that was sucking his dick while he would take a shit I mean that's what I bumped into those are the houses that I loved all that that shit when you go somewhere to get Coke and they got drama over there I love

all that shit I just thought of a question I can't believe if I've never asked you before if you add it up everything that you've stolen ballpark you ever thought about how much just total price

of shit you've probably Let's get even kinky. The other day I was sitting there, the other day on the plane going, I wonder if I could cut my nose off. There's like a ticker in there for how much coke I did to translate it into fucking money. That would, because you got to remember the last 10 years I paid for everything. Like for every line that I got from 97 to fucking 2007. And by the way, you weren't a, uh,

let's go out to a party and I'll put my drugs down kind of guy. No. That's not what was happening. No, no, no, no. I let other people do that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're great. Oh my God, this coke is tremendous. Yeah, that was not your thing. I've been to parties where people just emptied one bag after the other. Yeah, no, no. That was not your thing. To impress girls.

No, no, no. You know, it's funny because when I stopped, from the time I started, to the time I went to prison, I stole 70% of that blow I did. Stole it from who? Anybody and everybody. Whoever sold Coke and I would just set them up. I'd have three or four dealers at one time

and whoever got the weakest on me. Do you think maybe like it's close to breaking even between the stealing and the buying? Yeah, that's the good. Honestly, I just had this thought process on the way to New York on Thursday. I was high on JetBlue, you know, and you're high. Oh, yeah.

And I was like, I won it all. I know the last year. the last two years all those years in LA Jesus from 2000 on easy three four hundred a week you know what is to spend 15, 1,200 to 15 like after 2003 I was spending close to 2,000 a month between the weed and the world holy shit and how much you have to let's add it up A gram is $60. I was doing two grams a night four times a week. Can I ask you, how much did you weigh when that was going down?

Who the fuck knows? That wasn't waiting. I was, but, but, but, but, but, were you were, but like, because what I always thought was, like, how is he, for a dude that bit? $600 a week times four is $2,400 a month. Right. You figure I was buying two-eighth from Fabeman for $60 a fucking week. That's $120, and I was buying,

fucking eight grams a week at $60. That's minimum. Let's say I went to, let's say I went to El Camadro a night and bought two 20s in the game of the pure shit. I wouldn't go back out that night

or I didn't audition the next day. But the last two years you got to assume I was doing two grams a night at 60 a gram. And were you going to... Every night? Every four nights a week.

Were you going to dispensaries then? Because I know when the dispensaries open You told me that you spend a ton of dispensaries. No, I wasn't going to no fucking dispensaries then. That's all. Then after 2004, I got one of the credit cards back. And I remember one month I put $5,000 at the dispensary on it.

My wife never got mad at me and nothing like that. You know, my wife understands when it comes to my reefer. But that time she sat me down. I maxed the card out. It was at $4,800. In a month? In a month. from the pharmacy.

I was dropping three a day. I was going in there dropping three every two days, every three days. That's when they had lollipops and cookies. Those breath mints. The breath mints, they had the eights were $90 in those

days, guys. The weed was beautiful, and it was $90 in those days. The breath mints were the first edible is to really fuck me up. Because they put them right under your tongue. The breath strips. The breath strips, yeah.

The breaststrips. Those are the first ones... The best edible back then was Cushmart had a taffy. I never had that. No, that would just send you to Jupiter. It was 10 years beyond. I'd like to know who the fuck those people were. You know what you get...

You know what those things you get coke in that you have to open those little zip bags? You have to open and then you do a bump. It was the size of that. It was like a jolly rancher. Like a little jolly rancher, but flat. and when you opened it, you could actually see the THC oil on the bottom of the bag, like on one corner, like maybe a tent. But you could see it, and when you ate it, you went blackout.

Like, I always had strong edibles. Like, I remember when Kushmore's brownie was dead, 200 milligrams. That was killing people. I remember eating the whole thing and taking a flight to Pittsburgh, and I couldn't control my legs on the flight. I mean, it was painful. I couldn't stop moving my legs. It was painful.

You understand that 200 milligrams is still a lot for most people. Oh, yeah. Two hundred. Bro, the other than that I gave an agent. I brought a, what do you call it? The knockout? The cushy punch? Cushy punch.

I brought a cushy punch. I ate 50, 150 milligrams. And then I took the square, and I probably ate 30, and I gave him 20. And I watched him sink into the murky water. he's about 23 and he probably weighs about 170, okay? I gave it to him before the show,

before Dean Delray went up. At 20 minutes in, he was already eating a chicken sandwich with French fries. And he wasn't stopping. You know when people eat and they're not stopping? Yeah.

Like they're putting French fried bite, French fry bite pickle, dipping in ketchup. Yeah. And the whole time, they're looking at you're scared, like he was taming the animal. And then I,

went on stage and I lost him and I asked the other agent how they doing he goes bro you had to see him the rest of the night he was fucking on something it was terrible did he take off uh I think yeah he he left 20 pounds killed people well that's you gotta work yourself up to it there's no way you could I like

those deck of dose chibbichu's that's what I like that's 180 it's like 175 180 yeah that's basically what I like that's like a fucking burp for us I know it is it's crazy I still remember when I was getting the rapper I was Getting the 180 for me.

I would eat the 180 and I would take the rapper from the 180. Right? Or I would take the 180, take it out and open the 60. And I would take the 60 out of that. I'd put the 180 in the 60s of Tiva and give it to leave. And this was in the very beginning at the office. And he would try to convince me that I was going crazy.

Like, you know, it's only 60 milligrams. He was training you. I guess. No, back to the original question. I don't know. If the drug dealer is interesting, like I remember buying weed off a guy that had snakes. What?

He had snakes. Yeah, I don't like that shit. All over the fucking house. You know, and you come in and he go, be careful. One of my bowers are loosening. That's what I'm saying. It's a poisonous snake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, he was one of those. But he would have them running around? Yeah. Yeah, no, fuck that. No, thank you. That's what I'm saying. You know, that type of shit.

Yeah, you know, the fucking dog and the snake. If you've ever been on drugs and you watch that drug scene with boogie nights, that's five in the morning at a cook dealer's house. You saw that scene, way? No. You've never seen that scene? No, I haven't. You haven't seen boogie night?

No. This is why. But I'll call him and him and his girlfriend are watching the worst television or TV you could ever dream of. You have to watch boogie nights, dude. I'm even scared to ask what he watches. And here's a funny thing. We could sit here and talk about boogie nights. And for a year, he'll still go home and have the audacity to watch black as the new orange or something like that.

Put on boogie nights. Oh, you have to watch boogie nights. Chinese scene, whatever fuck they call it. Firecracker. Firecracker scene. You slip daily. You're going to get a list in the week. And you're going to watch those in order whether she likes her or not.

You have got to watch. It's like this is what you're watching tonight. This is what's on this TV tonight. That. If you want to watch something else, go to the other TV. You'll go to your mother's house and watch Telemundo. But this is what we're watching here today. Bert Reynolds in that movie.

Oh, no, they're all fucking fantastic. Bur Reynolds is the fucking best in that movie. You find it? I think so. It's called Jesse's Girl? Yes. Yeah. Everybody's fantastic in this movie.

There's not a bad fucking actor in this guy. goddamn movie. The guy, the child pornographer. Oh, yeah. Everybody, the roller skate girl. Watch this, Lee. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Philip Seymour Hoffman.

The guy from Spider-Man, Marky Wahlberg. Is this a song or is this supposed to be in the movie? This is the movie. Now, while they're free bass and Coke, look, Lee, watch. Oh, and Alfred. Molina. Yeah. No, no, no.

This is tremendous. And the Chinese guys just light and firecrackers. That's exactly why I don't miss going. I'm eating, man. Tom. You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute. I don't want to tell her that a lover, but the point is brought the mood. That's a year of doing cocaine every day.

That's why he should have won an Academy Award for this case. This nonsense he was going through with the music and the singing in the studio, that's cocaine. That's how blind it gets you. Leave it, leave it. You're going to learn something, Lee. Yeah. That's Marky Warburg and out of his face. Sir, we got a split, man.

We got to go. Come, I just got here. I know. I'm a part of it. Uh. We want here now. And we want something else for you. Hey, what are you playing?

So it's a drug, Ripley. Jesus. Okay, why? I want something else from you. Why? Todd, what the hell are you doing, man? Let's just go. In the master bedroom, under the bed, in a floor safe.

Understand. What's what you, Todd? Let's go. Hot. Come on, man. Shut up, Dirk. I told you I got a plan. I got a very good plan. Are you kidding?

make you know not see i'm not kidding i'm not what's in the safe we want what is in the goddamn safe in a goddamn master bedroom and a fucking floor on the goddamn fucking four on the goddamn fucking for safe that's all don't be crazy okay sir you don't know anything about this okay but he's not at all you want to shut the fuck up dirt do not reach for your gun don't reach for your gun Jesus right is the shit that could happen at four in the morning none of this seems fun i'm saying What's fucking doing? You had a bedroom?

Todd, what the fuck did you go crazy? He got coke and he's got cash in that safe, in that bedroom. And if we leave here without it, man, fucking idiots, man. We came here, motherfucking do something and we can fucking do it, all right? Are you with me? Todd, listen to me. Let's just split, man. Let's just spin right now because it's not the sink.

This is not supposed to be distinct, guys. Can you imagine Lee taking a ride with me and this happened to make more inside the house? No. Me telling you to give you a ride at 4 in the morning real quick. Don't be fucking bad This is what Happens to people Yeah

You just shot them with a shotgun Fuck yeah Nope It's why I said I don't like going They're right in the Hollywood hills Oh Jesus Christ Come back

I can't believe you haven't seen This movie No why would we do this This is How am I supposed to know If I've never heard of it You've never heard of the movie? No

But you got time to watch orange and a new black and all out of the shit. Oh my God. I mean, but that is exactly. When you're saying that's what you miss, that's what I don't miss. That's the action that I missed for years that I always was looking for. For years,

I missed that type of fucking nonsense where you go back for a second. Oh, geez, I'm sorry. But like, that's why for me the store, you don't have to deal with something. This is such a good movie. Yeah. In so many fucking levels because it shows the guy getting picked up as a waiter, getting into porn, blowing up into porn.

That scene with the chick and him and that, there's the chick with the two women in the room. Roller Skate Girl and the white chick that's red hair with freckles on the tips. She should have won an Academy Award for that Coke scene right there. Julianne Moore. Julianne Moore. The guy, the second one, 25 great boogie night quotes

that guy right there that plays the fucking pervert The child molester This is a fucking tremendous movie This is your next assignment Friday night I watch it before Friday How yeah how It's three hours this oh is it really? Okay It's deep

But Here put it on this And I'll tell you Bert Reynolds is so damn Oh please Bert Reynolds is good What the colonel was saying You know about my name

Uh-huh. I was just wondering if you had any ideas. If I had some thoughts on it, you know. What about you? What do you think? Well, my idea was, you know, I just want to name, I wanted so we can cut glass, you know, like razor sharp. Reiser sharp, right?

Yeah, well, when I close my eyes, I see this thing. It's like this big sign. And the name is in like bright blue neon lights with like purple outline. And this name is just so bright and so sharp that the sign, it just blows up because the name is just like, up because the name is just so powerful. What is going on? He's a waiter.

Bert Reynolds picks him up. He shows him his dick. He gets him into porn because he wants. He's always wanted to be in porn. Yeah. Well, he's a broke kid. He quit high school. Then this guy's the child pornographer.

Oh, thank God. He goes to jail. Eventually. Eventually. Yeah. So, yeah. I didn't even consider. When I was like,

even weed. I was always scared that I'd go to the one dealer that was an undercover cop. I didn't even consider that it was craziness. Like, I figured they'd want to run a business and get people out of there.

They would make you watch them dance? I used to buy coke from two guys. Oh, no. When the Martel Cartel was originally, the Martel cartel was originally two black dudes, but then they got robbed. There was two black dudes and a white dude,

but then somebody robbed them and I became a lion with them because I gave him a gun. But then the dude I gave the gun to took off. So I got stuck. The black dude bought out the white dude because he didn't want to get shot at no more. Martel and he didn't want to get tied up anymore. So what he did was the black dude stayed and he got a Russian girlfriend. But to make ends meet, he hired a superhero.

You can't write this shit from Hollywood. Hired a superhero? The Hulk, he's black. Yeah. And the Hulk lived in his closet under the stairs. So at night, I go over there by Coke, and you'd see two little black feet on the body. He killed somebody, but dragged him neck in first.

And I go, bro, who is? He's the Hulk. I still see the Hulk. Once a year, he gives me a big hug. Where are you seeing him? Walking around Hollywood or at the comedy store, he came in one night, gave me a big hug. He stutters and shit.

The guy who plays the Hulk on Hollywood Boulevard used to live. understand. I used to look under there. He had like a picture of his mom on the wall, a little light. You've seen the videos of those guys fighting down there, beating the shit out of each other. Like, when those two ladies attacked SpongeBob last year,

did you see that? Oh, my God. It ain't right. No, it ain't right. It ain't right at all. I saw fucking kids attack Halloween one time in Jersey. I saw my friends get attacked. Didn't they beat up?

the guy who plays Superman on Hollywood Bullpen. He, like, has no teeth now. Like, they really, he can't even be Superman anymore. No, not so Superman. I used to, when I came out here and used to live with Scott, out by Dodger Stadium and my buddy, Neil, you know, I used to entertain a children's parties. And so, but when you put that costume on,

people will, whatever you're supposed to be, they'll put, like, when you were a teenager, Mutant Ninja Turtle, they would punch you and kick you. What? Yeah, I mean, kids. Oh, Jesus. And people think it's funny. So I can only imagine how much shit they get walking around

in like a Superman costume on Hollywood Boulevard where you're bound, you're bound to run into some assholes. Well, have you seen the guy on the strip in Vegas who lets people kick him in the nuts for 20 bucks? What? Yeah. The fuck. He has a sign and everything.

He's wearing a cup. I don't know. I didn't do it. I don't think so. Wait a second. Wait a second. I would take a swing at somebody for 20, for 20 bucks. I'd give him 100 and kick him.

I mean, I do that for sure. I find that one he's there. And I go on a 12-week fucking kicking spree. I join soccer. I do everything I can to kick as hard as I fucking can. There's a bunch of YouTube videos of it. Really? Yeah.

And people just, I would go toe up. Oh, God. And he doesn't wear a cup? I don't know about that. And where? Right there. So it's... It seems...

And you saw it? I saw him. I didn't... I don't want to see anyone to get kicked in the balls. I mean... Who's getting kicked in the nuts? Like a white dude.

Oh, this guy. Yep. Fuck your hustle. Right here. So getting kicked in the ball for 20 bucks in Las Vegas. This is fucking tremendous. Seems. In front of Harris,

kick me in the nuts for $20. He's got a sign. This, our country is getting weirder and weirder. Two. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my. And he's high-fiving people.

Hey, man, that's what you do for drugs. Is that your hustle? Hustle right there. Fuck your hustle. What drugs is that dude? And he has a guy to hold the sign. I mean, how much is... No cup, no joke.

How much is he... I mean... Oh, man. Yeah. How much is that guy get paid? What kind of... He's got to make three bills a day easy. You got to go home and put your balls in nice.

He's got to have some kind of harness on. He has to. He can't let a grown man take a running kick like that at your nuts and then just kind of brush it off. that a thing? Maybe he taped it down or something? Let me ask you something I remember. I want you to put up. You can't fucking do that. The man that catches bullet with teeth. White love the sports.

I want to see what they have on that guy. But that's the same thing. There's no way that happens. He's got to have the bullet in his mouth already, right? No, he puts a mouth guard in. It was a fucking weird thing. Oh, they shoot it into his mouth? It's got to be a black and

white. Yeah, this guy was when I was growing up. He used to do all. He used to do All the Aaron, there was a promoter in New York that did martial arts at the garden, all day event, Kung Fu, and how he would close the show is the guy getting shot. They put a glass in front of him. You could see the contact of the bullet going through with a 22, and then he would put a fucking mouthpiece in his mouth. And catch it.

And catch it. And he got shot eventually. Eventually, you're not going to catch everything. There's only one way to practice that. Yeah. There's no other way to practice that. You know, it was the 70s, so it could have been bullshit. Ten magicians who died on stage.

Oh, Joey would love that. That was one of the hardest nights I've ever laughed is when Steve Simone and Joey had magic done in front of them, and they both left the room. Are you talking about on stage at... No. I'm talking about it at dinner. Oh.

Me? Yeah. At that Christmas party we went to, they had a magician there. Gabriel's. Yeah. And you and Steve both couldn't deal with it. I don't know by you, man. I've had a couple magician friends.

I'm lying to you. I've never really been over crazy about magician. And then I had a magician friend. And he was out of his mind. Like, he made me look like a fucking door prize. Drug-wise, alcohol. wise, you know, everything wise. He was just out there, man.

You know, he was just out there. Well, I think you would probably fucking have to be, right? He was, but he was one of the ten best comics in the world, 10 best magicians in the world at one time. I mean, he showed me all this shit, him hanging up, and

they were throwing in the ocean in a barrel, tied up with chains, that type of shit, you know. Oh, he was one of those escape artists? Yeah, escape, magic, bar magic. He was the real fucking deal. I used to rob this magician What?

I don't have, you used to rob a magician? Listen to me. And somebody ratted me out. What's that? What happened to him? You see what I'm saying about this podcast game and about life in Los Angeles

that you'll see somebody every week for three years and then one week, poof, they disappeared. Yeah. Who was the kid that was tweeting us and that he was at all our shows? The white kid. White kid.

Waterboxer? No. Then he started going to fucking the late show at the comedy store. He really liked Don Barris. Oh, Jordan Lee? Where is he? I don't know. He was here for a while doing the YouTube stuff.

Isn't that weird how that happens? You know, and you bump into them a year later. Yeah. And you feel bad because they dropped out of your life at one point. Yeah. Dropped out of your life. And things happen in L.A. Things really happen that you get caught up.

You meet a new girlfriend. You get a job and you go to Mexico for three months. They call you on. Monday tell you gotta be in Mexico on Wednesday. You ain't got time to tell all your friends goodbye. So you'll be in the asshole. You call that person three times and he never returns your calls because he's not even getting the messages. And you're like, fuck. And one day you call him and go, fuck you.

You fucking punk. I never liked you anyway. I fucked your sister in the ass. Yeah. Then he'll call you a year later and go, dog. What's wrong with you? I was in Mexico. I didn't call you back. And you feel like a fucking asshole. But you know what else happens in this town too? Sometimes you realize you're like, holy shit, I haven't seen Mark in three months. he's just gone gone off the fucking it happened

and I totally even with the podcast game we've been doing it now for six years people come they go they drift they come back you know

that's our nature where I was never like that growing up I never listened to the fucking radio anyway I just switched between three stations today I listen to serious fifth

I got serious Right. Lithium? Lithium. Lithium. Ozzy's Boneyard. Jim Norton. Jim Florentine and Studio 54.

I got hits from the 70s. And that's it. I got hits from the 80s and hits from the 90s or something like that. You don't do any of the hip hop stations? Like 45 or anything like that? Nothing. Nothing. See, I've figured out late in life that I like, I am kind of a homebody.

Like, I like being at my house. And but also, you know, when I go now to a restaurant, I get this, I'm like an old man. I get the same fucking thing everywhere I go. I'm not going to go, I don't go. Once I find something I like on a menu, that's it for the, that's what I order at that place. You're running something? That's all I do. No, you don't.

No, you know. When was the last time you went to the conveyor belt? Month ago. When was the last time you went? Yeah, you went once. Well, you went once and you never went back. You follow me? So you went to undercover.

yourself to the best place you could go to for your convenience and for your time, but you never went back anyway. And you've gone to 15 of those restaurants. So number one, you don't build no loyalty nowhere, and the places you do build loyalty in a garbage anyway. You follow what I'm saying to you? It's hard to build loyalty. And you're there. I walk somewhere, I walked to 7-11, and I see some Mexican chicken. She goes, whoa, where have you been lately? I didn't know what she was talking about. I go, what are you talking about? She goes, you haven't come to get your I can't eat the tacos lately. I felt like a man because I built

the loyalty over there and she was right. Where the fuck have I been? I'm trying to lose weight. But that's one of the top things that you do. You've always done that. No, you don't fucking mingle. If somebody delivers the goods,

I don't give a fuck what you have to offer. I just went home this last weekend. And when I go home, I have three or four things that need to be done. They need to be done. I have a dear friend, George. I love him. He's my brother. If I ever had a brother, he's one of my brothers. But at every restaurant, he doesn't understand that I want to fucking pick him up. And one day, it's going to happen. And I'm going to fucking stab him with a fucking night.

Because there's always a place that's better, but it's 90 miles away. But since he's a jerk off and he likes all that type of, you know, he likes wine and, you know, he wants to, they like that. I keep it basic. My first place off the thing this Thursday was Chan's dragon in. Plain and simple. Did you know what you were getting on your way there? On the way there. Oh, yeah. And the people who were coming, I know what they like. Because I went there with them before. The one girl who was shown, I used to go there with her. We weren't even dating. But she was such a Chinese fan. And I was a Chinese fan. We'd run together. And when we'd meet at a house, we'd shower, meet at the house. And we'd go to Chans and get a pork fried rice and spare ribs and we'd share it. We were kids.

Yeah. But that's what you do. Yeah. The owner, when he saw me, you know, he hugged me. how many years? And then we told there was a girl at the table and her father was the baseball coach, Lisa Gallo. And I told Lisa the evolution of driver red at our school. For some reason, the local Cadillac dealer gave our school two Cadillacs and they put pedals in them.

So during your gym class in junior year, you could start, instead of going to gym one day a week, you sign up and you go driving for one quarter. For three months, you drive. But you got to sign your name on a week. list at 7.30 in the morning for the same time with the same people. Right. So I'd go, Josh Wolfe, sign up for 7,

sign up for 945, so it's us. Why would you want to go with three people you don't know? So me, U. Lee, and fucking Burke Kreishe would sign up. So us three would sit in the back, Lee would sit in the front, and then the teacher would sit there and we'd switch. So the teacher who started the

program at first was Mr. McGrath, the camel. And he was out of his mind. He was a football coach. You know, he was out of his mind. So at first it started very simple. You got in the car at the high school. He pulled over by Kennedy Boulevard somewhere, then you switched,

then you drove for 12 minutes, then Lee drove for 12 minutes. But it always ended up in the Ridgefield Circle. And that was where the last stop was. That's the last place where the last driver would get in. And then a block before the school, he would get in and driving on to the lot. That was insurance rules.

The only problem with the Ridgefield Circle is it's the home to the best. They got a dairy queen there. Josh already knows where this is going. At 60 yards from the dairy queen is the world's greatest Chinese restaurant The country chans dragging in. All right, plain and simple.

Working man. We would either, so it started out slow. It's a good question. Come on, Mr. McGrath, bro. Pull over with Derry Queen while we're switching. Let us get a cone. It's against rules. come on mr mcgrath what's a fucking call

what kind of calling you're like what you want to like vanilla you know what I'm saying and next thing you know we're sitting in the Ridgefield circle eating the fucking colds like hurry up guys we gotta get back you know and that started like that that went on for like a week or two weeks but the Chinese restaurant was just down the block so we all opted instead of doing the 930 to 1015 yeah we did the 1016 we did the 11 to 1145

well so kiss him lunch Chans would open up an 11 So we get that 10 after 11 And Mr. McGrath Can we go to Richfield Circle away this time? Yeah, let's switch it up And as soon as we'd switch Let's do Chans Dragon Bo, Mr. McGrath

We got to talk to you by the son We already called in the order I haven't eaten in about three weeks You mind if we go in there Let me tell, oh, look at this Ooh, ooh, ooh, oh You know I don't take pictures Yeah

Because they're not worth it. Oh, look at my menu on the fucking, I want to get the menu on JetBlue Mint. You're ready for what you choose to eat? This is what he takes pictures of people. This is what they give you when you sit down, JetBlue Mint. Let me read you, motherfucker, is the menu. Let me explain some to you people.

I fly like a Puerto Rican, but when I go to New York, it's a six-hour flight. I save my Jet Blue Points, and I get one way I pay for one, and the other way I get for free. That's the only way I can do this flight. Welcome. The first thing they open up with is a white peach and raspberry smoothie. How was it?

How do you think? Especially when you've had a star, three stars in a fucking... Then they give you fresh fruit, orange kiwi, and pomegranate. Hell yeah. Pomegranate, they pick it out already. So you just eat one by one. One granite at a time. And then they gave you a charred carrot salad. My wife wasn't there. You know what I'm saying?

Then corn chowder with bacon. and smoke papica oil. Little bits of bacon and fucking corn chattel Lee. Did they give these to you at like 6 a.m.? About 6.35. Then you ready for this one? Wait, this was breakfast? This was breakfast.

This was break. This was the first serving. You ready for this one, Lee? You ready? Coconut pancakes with mango, pineapple, and ginger lime made syrup. You had an appetizer for breakfast? That's what they give you dishes. Little dishes and you sample all.

all of them. And then they also gave you a goat cheese with tomato almond. I gave that to the fat fuck next to me. There's no goat cheese for Uncle John? Then I had a double espresso twice to kick the fucking meal going on the plane because I was too high. Oh, my God. And then they brought me a cool house sorbet from Los Angeles, California. But she brought me a little weight watcher spoon, like a little Coke dealer spoon.

Yeah. I told her later, they go, listen, take this back. Give me the real spoon. I'll be here for fucking 10 years. I'm gonna wrote to Hong Kong, by the way, they fucking get me here. I hate those little spoons. You know what else?

I hate those. You ever eat crawfish? Every crawfish? Yeah. I can't, I don't understand it. There's too much fighting for a one inch of fucking... For fucking nothing. For fucking nothing.

Give me the loft of tail or the crab leg. Yeah, yeah, you can't do it. There's too much work and there's no... You can eat a pile of those fucking things. To do this. And that's it. I like crawfish. I'm not putting nobody down.

I've had plenty of buckets in Houston, Texas. The best place to get them ever. And guess what? It tastes great. It tastes great. But you know what? Let's fight the lobster. Let's go for the big meat.

You give me the micro. Give me the macro. You know what I'm saying? I got a little, I got a micro cat at the house. I want the macro. I want the fucking lion. Yeah, it's not that they don't taste good.

It's just the returns are not. It's too much work. It's way too much work. I can't do the shrimp, like the shrimp cocktails that they have the legs on them still. I don't like that. I like it peeled. You can, but you can just take...

Lee, let me ask you something. When somebody gives me shrimp, I don't give a fuck if I get the eyeballs. Okay, you know why? Because somewhere there's a fucking person eating a fucking sand dog. So, like, if you go to Tuar, there's a place in North Bergen, bro,

that I don't fuck with too much because I don't have the money to go in there. But my friends, I think they have money, took me in there. And when they give you shrimp, They're like nine inch shrimp because three inches is the head with the eyes. It's the real shrimp. I'm not wrong.

And you just take the thing off. And they crunch it up for you? I got to talk to you guys about something that's, I guarantee people who turn this podcast on, want to listen to our opinion on it, what we thought. Because I kidnapped the motherfucker and put them in the trunk of a car, but my face never made it to the cover of a newspaper. and when I was in New York Saturday and I walked around there

and I saw every fucking newspaper with Lewis C.K.'s picture on it. It fucking hit home. Like, it didn't hit home for me. I just said to myself, Jesus Christ, I put somebody in a trunk on a car and I made it the page like eight. It was just a little blurb

under the fucking car dealer. And, you know. It's a different time. And Louis's like, Like, was at the top of the pyramid, you know what I mean? I mean, all these allegations every fucking day. You get a new allegation. And you know what, man?

The thing that ball is a guy like me is people could allege shit every fucking day. But in today's world, it ruins your career. You know, when somebody comes to me and says, Lee took their dick out or Lee, I'm going to check it out before I open my mouth. I mean, I'm going to fucking check it out. You know what I'm saying? Right. But Louis admitted.

Check it out. Right, right. He admitted it and then, you know, there's a big thing. But it's just not Louis. It's just everything. And now Richard Dreyfus got accused or something. I saw that. And this guy got to-

The president, George, the first Bush, is getting accused all the time now. And, yeah, he got accused again today. Yeah. And, um, what do you call it? Uh, who else got accused today? You say, Richard Dreyfus? Who? Uh, it wasn't today, but the,

the guy from Star Trek. Yeah, George Takai. And also, Dustin Hoffman, too. That's fucking crazy. George Takai. But. Now, what, what's the situation in George Takai's? It's like a male model or something?

I guess there's something that maybe... Now, you gotta remember something. Remember when that movie Liberace came on HBO? Yeah. I went somewhere. Like, that movie really fucked with me a little bit because I really knew the truth. I looked at it for what it was. You know, Liberacee, first of all, for people.

who I don't want you to look at this time in Hollywood is, oh my God, what's going on in Hollywood? Listen, they passed Marilyn Monroe around like a fucking dummy doll, okay? And many others of those women, they passed around. They just passed around, Malam Monroe. Marilyn Monroe was the biggest disgrace in American history.

She was fucking a president, a gangster, and God knows who else along the way. God knows who else along the way. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know, Sinatra. What do you think? to women he told that one lady to get a hangar when she was pregnant that's crazy he threw her out of

the house I said go gonna fucking hang you yeah I didn't probably get you pregnant you know statements like that shit like that you know I just I believe in fucking you know I have always been on the other side of the coin and sometimes it's been me and sometimes you're accused just for being who you are yeah yeah you know and uh That's what, then there's another tactic to this that bothers me. That really fucking bothers me. Because people in this room will attest to this. We change every five years.

Oh, yeah. Our views change. We get smarter. We get wiser. You know, you don't do the dumb shit you used to do. Lee, you're a nice kid. Are you a different person than you were five years ago? 100%.

In which way? In which ways are you a better? person now that you were five years ago? I just think when you're, at least for me, you're in such a bubble in high school and college that you don't really realize. I mean, there's a difference between being polite and acting like a good person. And I'm still, there's still some things that I could do better. I'm not going to lie.

But I think that you learn through just dealing with people how to act. And you see how other people act. You know, like, oh, I didn't like when someone did that. that. But you still, here's the thing, you can change, but if you did something 10, 15, 20 years ago, there still can be consequences for that. Do you know what I mean? Like, I understand that people change, but that can't completely exonerate you for things that you might have done in your past, that people just weren't brave enough to say anything. Look at this judge right now who's something like 70,

and they're saying 40 years ago he dated kids in high school. And even one of the, in the article, if you read the article, it said like the mom told one of her told the daughter, oh, I think you're the luckiest girl in the world to date Roy Moore. And she was 14. So I can under, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He might argue. And the thing is he's denying it.

But he might argue, like, listen, it wasn't that big of a deal back then. Or I don't know, maybe it was. I don't know. I don't know with that one, but I think you're right. I think if you... I'm just saying like, I'm not saying that

you can't change. Everybody changes. But it doesn't take away what you've done. Yeah, just because you change, because whatever you did, if you did it, whatever you did, changed somebody else for the worse.

Right. And I... So there has to be some sort of repercussion for that. No matter what, how long ago, was like if you did something to somebody that changed their life for the worst that fucked them up and continues to do that then no matter how long it is you still got to pay for that shit right and that was what i i took away from the louis thing so far is like he even said

in his apology whatever you think of it he didn't realize from the like their point of view and i think that's kind of hard to do is take the other person's point of view and i like even with him when he says oh i i never touched anybody who didn't want who i always asked it's still terrible from to imagine being 21 and you don't want to say no you're just out here you all you want to do is get the job you you don't know if you're going to get fired for saying no so it's uh it must be scary yeah i i yeah i'm sure i'm sure it's really scary and that's why i'm not saying that like i i understand why some people wouldn't come out i understand why i understand why why it takes people a long time to come out.

Listen, are you, a hundred percent I've been propositioned by men and women. Like, it for sure happens. For sure. And it's terrible. And I think that the more that people come out, I think it'll just scare the fuck out of people and don't, because there was no repercussions before. nobody was saying shit. But on the other side of that coin,

and both of you are married, but maybe you have single friends, I don't know. In this day and age, if you were going to date somebody now in the industry, would you have them sign something? Would you have them? Like, if you were going to hook up with a girl on the road,

would you have them signs? Like, it just, that's, that terrifies me. I don't know what you mean like. Like, just to be like, yeah, like, this is legit. Like, when I'm not forcing you into this or like, just, I don't know. I'm in shock about the whole thing I'm in shock about

you know allegations bother the fuck out of me you know I want proof you know from a proof school I'm with you I'm with you know it's you and I in a room I mean the Louis thing happened in 2002 who knew where his

sickness was listen you just don't stand in front of a door take your shirt and your pants off and take your dick out and banging out in front of him by the way that sounds And that's two women in the room, two witnesses. The sickness was at the highest level of all time. What was he thinking was going to happen?

I mean, my heart goes out to him. I don't want to say nothing bad about Louis. What I'm saying is I'm looking at it from that perspective. It came out a little bit after that. Then there was more allegations. He may jerked off on the phone with people, which I've done a thousand times myself. You know what I'm saying? Some girl calls you

She tells you she's gonna go in the shower And you tell her really You know whatever next thing you know You got your dick in your hand And you're breathing heavy for two minutes Who the fuck knows I mean all these things We all do them

And they're simple And we don't think we're doing something But it did create consequences You know the women How'd they feel and all that shit I'm not going into the politics of all that I'm just going into the politics How this ends you

and how you have to bounce back on a certain way. Well, I don't think it should have to end him now. That's the thing. Well, you said if he does a store short-com, he's throwing him on that, it'll sell him. Truth, if they said, Louis is going to be in the main room tomorrow, would he sell all the tickets? He would sell all the tickets. Of course he would. And tell his side of the story.

See, this is what I would do. I would wait six months. Yeah. And they'll have six months write something and go on Brooklyn and tell my side of the story. You're fucking off, off, off Broadway data. What I mean is, is I don't think, I think this is a fucking catastrophic thing for sure. And I can't imagine what he's going through. His kids?

But, you know, he also put other people through shit. Yeah, no, no, I'm not. So, but here, but what I mean is, Now, when was the last time he jerked off with anything in public? In all the articles, what was the last. around, you know, I mean, there was something about Courtney Cox, they were producing a show and they got a report.

But I think it's a little different with him because he's admitted to it. He's not saying I didn't do it. Well, no, no, I'm happy admit it to it. Thank God. But what I mean is, I don't think this ends his career. I think I really don't think it ends his career.

You know he could sell out wherever tomorrow night. Even if he just was going on stage to do stand-up. But do you think it would end someone's career? maybe at your guys's level of comedy? Because he was a star, is a star. Yeah, I think it'll affect, obviously, affect his career for the worst, obviously.

Have you ever had fake allegations against you, Lee? It's not a good fucking feeling, but listen to this, man. And this is why I was laughing. I went to eat Chinese food with the girls and my buddy. And then from there, I went to my seventh grade teachers bought. And I hooked up with kids I went to the sixth grade with. Sergio Neri and fucking this kid, Dean Lepreet

was with me when I cut my thumb. This is when I was cutting the whiffa ball bat to put the socks in it and rocks to make it heavy to hit home runs and shit. He was with me. There was this other chick there. A bunch of us were there just talking shit.

I forget what my fucking point was. What are we talking about? You were talking about allegations? Yeah, allegations. And then my buddy came home and he goes, you know, your sonographer over here. Your buddy's on the other side.

I didn't know that. So I went home and gave my two great friends hugs, The Undertaker, the one that owns the, he's an assemblyman. Yeah. The freeholder. And I gave my buddy Devo a big hug. I looked at this other guy. And I go, oh, shit.

And he got up and gave me a big fucking hug. And, you know, I didn't remember his name. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. people that you're friends with. And in 93, he was like the big shot. And he always used to know. I used to go into the city.

He kept me alive that kid in those days. That's when I was in real financial trouble. And he was a big shot that he didn't want nobody to know. He was as much as a fiend as I was in those days. And he could not go into New York City. He couldn't do any of those things. But he knew I knew how to keep my mouth shut. So he would come over and go, get me $400 worth and get $200.

for yourself. So he gave me $200 cash to get myself. That was six grams. I never said a word to nobody. That dude had a badass career and he ended it with a DUI. DeW what?

Got fucked up, DY ended everything from. Now he became something else and so as soon as he saw me... You ever got a DUI? No. I mean either. No, I won't drink and get behind the wheel.

No, you never did that hot. No. I give him a big. hug and we hugged and he goes listen before you leave do me a favor he goes one day I walked past the fire station by my house and I heard your voice laughing and I went in and I go what are you listening to the guy's like he's fucking crazy he's from Jersey somewhere and he goes do me a favor if you take a picture of me and mean the world to me I go do me a favor I know you're 20 years let me hang out for a while and then we'll take a picture

because if I take a picture of you everybody else will see it and then I'm not going to be able to sit here right This is my hometown bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in the back eating nachos and French fries and shit. So finally, my buddy comes on and he goes, do me a favor. Go take a picture with the fucking guy. His feelings are, and I go, it's not that I don't like him.

It's that if I take a picture with him, so I went over and I go, you still get that motherfucker? You still smoke weed? And he goes, yeah, fuck you. I don't want your picture. I go, come on, let's go smoke a joint. And I grabbed them by the arm and I go, I explain to you that if I take a, pictures, a bunch of kids in there. They're all going to come over. Let me just relax.

He goes, I get it. We started talking. And we spoke to joy, and I go, I go how crazy were we were kids. And he goes, I know, I looked at you. And he goes, my wife, I'm not married to him. I go, no, how could you be? I go, you used to stay out three days on a fucking row back then. He was like a big shot, man.

And it was just nice talking to me. He goes, hey, I got to tell you something. I don't know if you know this. he goes, what's his name confessed to robbing that house? And I go, what are you talking about? He goes, you know, that house I took you to leave, that you taped in North Bergen? Right. I said that was the final straw, like when they accused me of robbing.

Yeah. And that was the end. Now people really didn't know. My friends, I went to them and said, listen, I tell you what I robbed, right? Yeah, I give you a piece of the accident. I never robbed their house. And they're like, who could have done it? And I knew exactly who it was and how it went down.

And they even set me up. She was a step ahead of me, and I didn't see it. But I never said nothing. It didn't matter. You know what? If I would have tried to fight it, I had all my fingers. At that time, I couldn't get out of that. At that time, I couldn't get myself out of anything.

I was just a piece of shit. I was robbing everybody, so I had no like to stand on. But I always knew in my heart. I didn't rob that house. Well, guess what? That kid got busted. And he wanted information, and that's one of the things he told him. He was involved in the insurance can.

and he broke into that house and my friend found that two days later because he knows cops and they were like that whole time he blamed on Coco he goes I just wanted to tell you I got my other two friends out and I go well I told you right after

it happened look at the confirmation he goes yeah he gave it up they're looking at as an insurance camp 30 years ago now so that accusation always makes me feel like I fucking hate accusations man

But if you, but on the other hand, where there's smoke, there's fire. Yeah. So if I walk that line, I'm not going to sit here and believe one thing and believe another one. It's interesting because the last two days on Twitter, every four Twitters is about somebody's making a remark about what's going to come out. But there's all that stuff with Corey Feldman and Corey Hayne and all that shit. And with Alyssa Milano, was it today or yesterday? Who bothered her? No, but then people.

People were accusing her of turning a blind eye to whatever happened to Corey Hamer or Corey Feldman because she hung around them back then. She was a kid too. Like she was what? 15 or 16 also. That's a tough thing to lay on somebody. Listen, I'm not a child psychology. Neither of you. You've seen three kids grow.

You have a little bit more knowledge than I do. I was a kid on the street. So I look at faces and I know what they feel. If you don't look at Corey And you can't tell that he was He was like the Adama Maryland around From the drugs

They just abused him Yeah But guess what He wanted to be abused He let them abuse him That was the only way he could be accepted Well Take your clothes off dance with the boy

You want to stay at the party He's got a big movie coming out in September with Brad Pitt Stick around, dance for the boys I mean, he didn't He didn't want to He was a kid What do you think I'm saying?

Yeah They take these kids You can tell I know when you see a kid And they've been beat up Yeah though he's I was locked up You ever see a kid when they've been beat up

You don't need to see the scars No You see the beating on their face And it doesn't have to be a mental A beating with a stick It could be a mental beating gone through help. I had it on my face for years. I know exactly what

it looks like and what it fucking feels like, man. And Corey Haim looked, because that was the I wasn't out there like Corey Ham, though. No, the accusation was that Charlie Sheen? I don't know. The accusation was something like that Charlie Sheen had sex with Corey Haim.

Was the accusation. That was the accusation that somebody leveled out there. Yeah, man. that on the set of bully bully is that the name of the movie I think bully on the set of bully

that was the accusation yeah they're flying all over the place you didn't hear about that one no yeah they're flying all over it just seemed you know but Corey Ham like I said he just seems like a kid that he went down the wrong street

at the wrong time and he wasn't mentally prepared and between the drugs and the life And just pat Remember you would see less than zero Yeah Well I know you didn't see less than zero It's one of Robert Donnie Jr's best fucking movies

Oh so good Best movies Fuck you with Iron Man Fuck your mother up the ass You fucking moron I'm talking about pound for pound acting In that movie He was brilliant

And did you see how they treated him in that movie Oh yeah He would just do coke And the guy would bring him to parties and he blow guys and fuck guys. Lee, come on. I'll give you all the Coke you want. Here you go.

Here you go. Let's go to a party. There's only be some guys there that way to meet them. They're very important. And they're going to have a big bag of coke too. So you're going to go in the room with them and talk and they're going to rub your thigh.

There you are sucking their dick. And then he would take him, give him more coke. What was his name of that movie? I forget. I don't remember. I might go back and watch that movie. No, no, no. It was on about a month ago at two, and I taped it and watched it the next day. And it was, he was brilliant.

He was brilliant. I might have to go back and watch that movie. He dies, shit. I mean, it was just brilliant. He was a great drug addict. The drool coming out of the side of his mouth. He was a great drug addict because he was a drug addict. Yeah, he was living it. He was living it at the time. It was, uh, but when I look at that, I see, I saw that. Yeah. You don't think I saw that in my circles?

A young, when I lived in San Francisco, I saw it all the time. When did you live in San Francisco? 85. And when I lived in Aspen, I saw all the time. Hey, man, you're a waiter. You know, this Markey Warburg story, you write that from something you saw her. But that's how quick it happens. Oh, the Boogie Knights?

Boogie Knights is like Scarface for Pawlily. It's a kid that works in the valley. Guy comes in one night. He fucks a waitress that tells him that he's got a big dick. and, you know, he sees him and the rest is history. Then you saw that scene in the hot tub where he gets his porn name. Right. And then he becomes, you know, he becomes he wins the newcomer of the year.

He starts doing drugs. He starts doing drugs and he's gone. And I see me in 80, right before I got arrested, that was me. From 87 to right to the point I got arrested, 86 to 87 and a half, that was me, Marky Warbur. God, talking to myself. Yeah,

the, uh, John C. Ryan, the entire cast. But John, the, John C.

Riley to me goes between comedy and serious better than anybody. He did it, he does it in the movie. But he slips in between comedy. When they fucking sing,

feel the heat, feel the heat, and they think they really have a song. Come on. And they got to bring the tapes to the album guy. Those are two gone, coked up guys

with a dream of $60,000 to get a kilo with coke. You see it. That's how good of the acting it is. Because I've been there. I've been there. You too feel the heat. Feel the heat. That's one of the best scenes in the movie, for sure.

Where they're in the recording studio. He's got the headband on like the guy from a lover boy. And he's got his hands up to the to the headphones. it's really crazy and he's terrible and they're giving him the oh the other guy

Riley is like fucking playing it like he's Jimmy Pades the guitar and shit it's just a coked up scene it's like good fellas when he comes home and he's looking for the coke and they both start crying and she's on the hands and knees

they're two junkies you know they're just two junkies I've been there it's a fucking arm when I had that When I had that, my ex-wife, you know, when I had that $60,000 debt in Aspen, we were looking at each other. Towards the end, we had a scene like that.

We just broke down. She felt bad. You know, I wasn't coming home at night. I would just go to Josh. I would go to your house and go to John. What's going to take for you to leave? What? I got a quarter-ounce of Coke, and I don't want nobody around.

That's, yeah, that was your move. What is I going to take leave for you to give me your apartment tonight? Because I was paranoid to be in mine. So I thought they were watching me. So I come to you in the daytime. I'm going to leave. I'm going to give you $200 today. I'll bring a case of beer with the house.

We're going to switch cars. I'm going to pull into your house with my car. You're going to open up the garage, and you're going to leave with my car and go to the hotel over there on Lancashim and keep them there all night. And I'm going to go to your house and do blah. And let me tell you something, within an hour, I'd be calling you. You go, come over here and get me. The cops are here.

Paranoia comes with you to go. It's not just days that I'm. house. I am so glad. You know, I did Coke a bunch, mostly with you. I never liked it. I never really liked it. There was a couple times I can remember having fun, but I'm so glad I never really liked it. And I did that meth just that once. Hated that. You doing Boise? No, I did it by accident. I thought it was Coke. Oh, I did them, Boise. I did them, Boise. Backees Field. sometimes I did it and I hoped it was coke

I knew what I was getting myself into now what's next for Louis C.K I mean the agency got rid of him it's like Kevin Spacey Kevin Spacey's not getting out of this one but what happens to these guys They're shooting a movie that's coming out in December yeah I did see that on the plane

but here's what happens I think with Louis CK I think he goes away for a while I think he does I think he probably ends up in some sort of therapy slash rehab thing that he puts himself in. I think he comes out without representation. I think while he's in rehab, he writes whatever it is, a new hour, whether it's more,

you know, half theater, half comedy, or full comedy. But I think he'll come out and even if he has to just release it on YouTube. Because the best thing about being a comic is he can never really fire us. See what I mean? That's the difference with our job that anybody else is like Fuck it so you're not gonna pay me I'm still gonna go get on stage He could sell I'm telling you when he gets out of jail Not out of jail but when he gets out of rehab or wherever he puts himself And if he's there are fans of his that'll come see him

The only problem is is like now with how People can I don't know what the word is but gathers the storm They could like if like let's say a random comedy club wanted to put him up. There might be people online saying let's boycott them. Let's let's get them their lease canceled. Like people will go that far now. And so he might have trouble getting somewhere. I think the more that happens, the more support he would garner. I really do. I think there are a bunch of people who are pretty fed up with that. Like whatever his, this is, and this, I have, I, and this, I I used to have this conversation when it came to Mike Vic.

Whatever you thought of his punishment, of his crime or punishment, Vic got what he got. He went to jail. He came out. He gets to start over. You can't still make him pay for his crime. So Louis is going to pay however he's going to pay.

And then with whatever happens to him, I don't know if there'll be lawsuits. I don't know if it'll just be in the fact that he'll never be, who knows who knows what the pay is but then he still gets to try to make a living doing what he does that i don't think we should ever take that away from people do you know what i mean like i still think you should be able to do whatever it is that you do now you may have to do it a much smaller scale or you may not succeed at it but i don't think we take people's ability away to do it you know what i'm saying you might have to start a podcast oh yeah

Yeah, maybe he will. Keep this story. What's Tony Bennett? I want to be around to pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart, some somebody twice as smart as I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used. to do with me Who'll leave you

To learn That misery loves company Wait and see I'm gonna be around I want to give a shout out to Sherry And her son Beautiful people came to the show

In New York Trey Roberts, Benjamin Paul, Jacob Lindberg Anthony Johnson holding it up in Sacktown Jabish over in Pittsburgh the Hidden Choice Alejandro OXSC

Sal Vasco Robert McGee and my man man Ben Baraki Ski or whatever the fuck your name is Uncle Joey loves you motherfucker fuckers I'm always good

like I you know I came back from the other one you said the Mike Vic one I always believed that even before I got locked up guy does something wrong he does his time he comes out he gets a benefit of the doubt in my eyes

if he fucks up again I was wrong you know what I'm saying I agree I've always been one of those guys that's point I got locked up and I you know

and I thought when I got in trouble I thought a lot about running I thought a lot of things and I thought about what I believed and I was like you know what I do my fucking time I come out

who the fuck knows I can always sell I don't know if I could fucking do this or that but I could always sell, you know, and you'll figure it out. I figured it out, but it wasn't. I kidnapped somebody, you know, I was a thief, that type of stuff. There was no more, bro.

One time I got accused twice. One time was a forced accused. It really wasn't accused if you really look at it. But one time I got accused of fucking sexual shit, and it killed me. And the people wouldn't tell me that I got accused. When was this? It had to be 20 years ago, 25 years ago. I was doing comedy, and that was at my friend, you know, Chrissy Fish and fucking his brother, God rest his soul.

I can't fucking think of his name now. Jesus Christ. You know, he was married to this chick. He was about 30, but he was married to a chick that was like 50. And they were both heroin junkies, you know. Who was the plumber I used to hang out with? Jesus Christ, they used to take me and stinky into the city

and he'd get heroin and we'd get pills. Emil, Bonehead, the legend of Bonehead. So Bonehead was married to an older chick and I was at their parents' house. I was tight with Bonehead's parents. I grew up at Bonehead's parents. I've been hanging out with Bonehead since 80.

This is 97. I did time. I went back. You know, I was brothers with all three kids. I was always one of those guys. I just didn't hang out with Josh. I got out with Josh, hang out with Jonathan, and I hung out with fucking, the other fucking one, Gary, I don't know.

So you hang out with different, I hung out with all three brothers. The one brother and me got pills together and giggled. The other brother and me, the least one that I liked, he always had good coke, and I always knew how to dump jewelry on him and shit. And the other brother I grew up with, So they knew everything about me. And I'm in the pool, and it's Bonehead. Me, Bonehead, are in the pool.

Chris Fish, his son, and Bonehead's stepdaughter and stepson. Or maybe the Stepson wasn't there, but the stepdaughter was there. You know, we're all in there. You know, like when you pick up a kid and throw him, like you throw him to somebody else. Like they threw her at me. She must have been like 14 or 15. and I grabbed her under her armpits and I threw her back

and I did that like two or three times good to go we got out of the pool we ate we sat around and that's it two days later I left

I come back nine months later to do rascals or something and again I didn't hear nothing again but I hadn't heard from Bonehead Bonehead had stopped calling me he lived in Vegas at the time and then one day

Chris told him me. He goes, bro, I don't mean to say this to you. He goes, you know how much I believed him? This much. He goes, I've gone up and because Bonehead lived with them with the two kids downstairs for a few years. So they have caused all types of problems with these kids. So he goes, when you left that time, she said you touched her. And I was like, who were you talking about?

And he goes to Carol and I go, first off, come on. I was in front of eight guys. Yeah. He goes, that's what I said. Because that's the first thing I said How come she didn't say that? Her stepfather was right in the pool with him. And somebody would have seen something.

Yeah. But I was also scared of, I always thought that if I stayed in bold or my wife would say something. I let the kid. Something would have gone wrong that way. And then when I was an open mic, or I got banned in the comedy works one time because the chick jumped on me

and when I grabbed her, I grabbed her ass. But it wasn't like I grabbed and squeezed them. That's where my hands landed. I was tight. with the girl. A week late, I get banned for life. But now I'm back at the comedy, because it was nothing. It really was nothing. I remember when you were banned.

Yeah, it was really nothing. So I've never been like a deviant like that. Yeah, you bump into freaks, and you know what time it is. You know they want to drink some juice. You know that they're running out of time. Like a vampire, they need to drink that juice until they's your lucky number. You ever go to the supermarket and pull eight

and you gotta wait for 20 minutes? Nah, today you pull eight, it's your lucky number. It's number eight. Oh, my God. I remember. I just feel I can't, I listen, if you did something to me

and I got the proof, whatever. Yeah. But for me to come out now and go, hey, 32 years ago, you did this, listen to me a favor, go fuck yourself. And if I did do it, listen, I apologize and I'm sorry.

That was a long fucking time ago. And things happen. What are you going to do? That dude, okay, so that dude who, the dude who touched a 14-year-old or whatever the fuck happened. Say he touched a 14-year-old 30 years ago. Then nothing? Who?

So say a dude. Now, I didn't know anything about this. See, I don't like politics. So I saw the name on CNN and sexual misconduct. Did that what it was? Yeah, you know. And look, I try not to watch the news either because who the fuck knows what? But the accusation is that when he was in his 30s, he dated teenagers.

And then in particular, one girl was 14, I guess. But there's like, did you see that he signed her yearbook? No. He signed her as a grown man. He signed. That's not good. Her yearbook. Yeah.

And he was like, I don't know her. And they were like, yo, motherfucker you signed the yearbook? book. I said he would go, like, walking around malls to, like, when he was bored. That's what he said he was doing, but... And there's a couple, like, articles that just say his town, people in his town, it was just well known that he dated

teenagers. Now, what if you ask somebody to eat that pussy? Is that sexual with Conlin? Like, if you say something, let me ask you a question, you're looking really good to me. What if... What if you let me lick that monkey? Dude, I think it is. I think it is.

I think one of the funniest things I've ever heard anyone say on stage was you, and it might be considered in today's day and age, maybe sexual misconduct. We were at the fucking ha-ha cafe, and there were maybe seven people there, eight. But two of them were two Asian girls sitting up front. Poor girls. And you get on stage, and your fist is just pumping.

Just pomp. And you're like, you do like two jokes And you go, oh, hey, Gina! And then you go, look at you two. You make me want to go home and play karate kid with myself. And you were like, I would eat your pussy with chopsticks. You went in on the chopstick roll. And I was like, that's like the funniest.

They were howling laughing, by the way. But you couldn't do that right now. Girls. Yeah. No, listen, people go to a comedy show. Yeah. You got two... Listen, if you go to a comedy show

and you're showing excessive cleavage, excessive, there's cleavage that is appropriate. There's a little over-appropriate, which you look at and go, that's a pretty dress. You know what I'm saying? But then there's cleavage where it's to the line of the ariota. Whatever the fuck.

Ariola. Look, it's like... It's like fucking two geniuses. What'd you call it a Rayliota? Your Rayliota. So you're sitting in the front row. You and your girlfriend. You both have the same blouse on.

Yeah. In fact, one of you just has a miniskirt, and you got heels, and the miniskirt barely covers your pussy. Okay. If you address them, they're not going to get mad at you. That's the reason why they got dialed up. But in the same time, if you don't address them, they might get a little pissed off of you.

During picture time, they'll come up to you and say, I sat in the front row and you didn't say nothing about me one time. It's so fucking weird. If someone is wearing a skirt that doesn't cover their pussy, I'm going to go ahead and assume that they want me to look at that. That is an on-purpose thing. You don't leave your pussy out unless you want someone to look at it. But on the same tone,

That's why I attacked both those chinas. If there's two chinas up in the front row, and there are two girls that just came off the both in Japan, they got the glasses on. They did have the glasses on. No, no, no, they weren't that Japanese. I remember the two guys. The one girl was like Philippine,

and the one girl was Mexican with Chinese eyes. So that's why I was... Do you remember that night? I remember now. They were on the couch in the front row, and they had a guy behind them, and they were both really hot. It's 11 o'clock at night.

Dude, they were howling laughing. Because you know what's on your mind. I'm telling you what's on your mind. These are two beautiful girls that work hard all week. Why are they out at 11 o'clock at night on Lancashire? There's only run reason why. And none of you people in this room are seeing it. I know what they're both here for because I'm 50.

I have not a chance with these girls. Even with a pound to blow and a half a million dollars, these girls wouldn't give it up. they're looking for a hot young guy to come in, drink them up. And you know what? These two girls are probably two on one year if you played your cards right. If you invite them over to your house to press the button, whatever they want to do. I love opera.

You do? Well, I got a library opera. You ain't got shit. But you're going to go home, and while they're pissing, you're going to Google opera, and you're going to take a quick lesson on Pavarotti real quick. He was born in Milano in 1648. Turn on the Opera Station. And turn the Opera Station.

And next thing you know, they start. kissing each other. You never know. You never know. But they're not waiting for a fucking chubby fat fuck who's 50 years old. They're not waiting for that. So you get away with shit on stage. I'm going to keep saying what I'm saying. But you always... You have to keep saying what you're saying

and how you say it and how you believe. Every time I've tried to go away from that, I've backfired. I've turned it into a certain art now after 30 years. I've been doing this all my life. I've been cursing and talking the way I've been talking all my life. Yeah. And the people hang out with, they talked away because I noticed it.

And guess what? They're not racist. They're not racist. No. They're not anything. But they say crazy fucking shit, too. Yeah. But that's the thing.

Like, you, you should be able to say crazy shit. That's not like... No, you shouldn't. Yes, you should be able to create crazy shit if you could back it with your character. and with your belief and what you say it. But then you can see a comic that goes upstairs, goes on stage, and just be dirty and be dirty. Yeah, but that's complete. I use you as this example every time I talk to people about this. When they talk about being dirty on stage.

And I say, it doesn't matter how dirty you are. It matters where it comes from. Like, you're dirty on stage, but it's your complete truth. And because it's your complete truth, sure i'm assuming you've offended some people before but because it's your complete truth people accept it but you can tell when people get on stage and are being dirty just to be dirty and then it comes across it's like the fake stand here comes across is dirty worse on stage and a fake stand hope oh no there's only one stand help oh my god fake stand hopes yeah and they're everywhere

to everywhere to everywhere especially like in clicky towns they liege in a fake stand hopes. Dude, you know, it took me a long time to figure out what I did on stage. And I would tell you, if I'm being honest, it just happened in the last three or four years, three years maybe. Now, you've been doing comedy since I

know you, 22 years. Yep. But I'm telling you right now. You had to get somewhere with it by this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. By 22 years, you get to this certain, you know. But, but I figured out, okay, so I think I've always done it, but I just figured out what it was. So I might as well tell people when I get on stage, and I hope you didn't come here to learn anything tonight, because that's

not what my show is. People, like, one of my favorite thing people say to me is, you're not angry up there. Like, you're not mad. You don't seem like a pissed off comic. My shows are kind of fun. Like, that's what I do. That's kind of what my energy has always been. But I, used to fight it and try to be like, oh, I need to be a little darker here or be, I just, that's not my thing. And so my shows have turned into, it's like a, it's a, it's just, I want people to, the stories are stupid, man. There's stupid stories about my kids or about me or about, you know, taking mushrooms

at Coachella last year, whatever it is, the story is, passing out on Ventura Boulevard a couple months ago, whatever. What's the oxygen thing? Yeah, right? Where is it? It's back at the house. We don't use it no more. My grains are gun, God's sucker.

But I'm just saying, like, you Jews always got the 90-day outmates. Then you get the check and that's it. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. Listen, old Jews keep the fort. You've got to keep the thing consistent. I got the hand one. No, no, you got to keep the tube and walk with it

and then put the neck brace on for fucking that's Jewish jewelry. It's getting close to Hanukkah. You got to bust it out. You know what I got to tell you. I made someone super nervous when I took that fucking hand one out. on the plane because you know I needed

but it was like I needed a quick little hit and the guy looked at me and I was like it's okay nothing's about to go down 22 years you've been doing

yeah yeah yeah at some point listen but you know there's a point where you raise levels instantly yeah there's a point where

I went to Jitsu last week and this black belt came in oh my God this brown belt was doing shit he had everything

Josh Wolf this guy's a guy's a cop-coretta guy that could jump over you. He was jumping from side to side, hooking arms, going for legs. This black dog just sat there

like it was another day at the office. I never saw anything like that. This guy, he had him in side control. And you know how this guy was getting out with his arms? He kept spinning the guy. And he finally caught his leg and flipped him back. And then the guy came out of him again.

He just kept him there for four minutes. And finally, the professor said, time. And I looked at the brown belt. The brown belt was all fucked up. And the black belt just fixed his gear a little bit because he knows exactly what you know and what you're going to do. I feel, for the first time as a comic, I feel very not clunky anymore.

I found my direction. Jesus Christ, if we both think back to Seattle. Yeah. we thought we had the world by the balls in 96. No. And we were just getting started. We were just learning about the wrench. Yeah, you know, and I wish I had trusted my instinct.

If I was going to say anything to a young comic, I wish I had trusted my instinct about what I did well earlier. But you always, you know, when you're young, you, most of us, I'm assuming some people don't, but most people pattern themselves after a comic. Like how many people with A Tell's cadence have you heard come out of New York? A lot of them. Right? So you pattern yourself after somebody.

And at some point, if you take that next step, you start to find your voice. And I fought mine for a long time. I really did. Just because I knew what type of comedy I appreciated that I would go watch. and what I do well isn't necessarily what I would go watch. Does that make sense? But that's not, that's not. So I kept trying fighting it towards what I wanted to,

what I wanted to be, what I watched on stage, what I liked. And I had to modify that a little bit. Well, we have to, we all cut the fact that that's the experience. Yeah.

The experience comes from just get it. It's so weird when I, talk to young comics. And Josh Wolf, you're a, you know, you're my witness. There was a time here. I got on stage every night. Only I didn't care what you were doing. I really didn't give a fuck.

You're my brother. I love you, but I didn't come to see you graduate from I owe you or a fucking Improv Olympic. So I'm not going to show. I didn't show anything those days. The first thing you have to do is a set. Then you do something. I took it back to school. Remember when you got sick and you tried to go out at 3.15?

Your mom go, da-da-da-da-da. Where are you going? Going to play. You were sick? No, but I feel back. You were sick. We've got to make sure that nothing happens. That's the way I always took comedy back then.

Because then I was miserable. I was starving. Who the fuck was I to do anything? Who the fuck was I to do anything? I wasn't even in the game. How are you going to get in the game if you had somebody's party celebrating, jumping up and down? There's a coffee shop. Do you remember when went to that coffee shop on that Sunday night?

Which one? Okay, there was a coffee shop on when you come off Barham Boulevard. The first place you ever took me to, you took me to a coffee shop into Saturn. Yeah. Where you pulled up to Barham, but instead of making a right, like you're going into Burbank, you made a left and you went straight in that building there that's now a production building

was run by a friend of yours and it was a script place where you went in there and you could pull scripts and read old scripts they tried it and just they sold coffee yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

they did open mics but then you also took me to a place in the deep heart of Melrose one of the first coffee shops and one of the maybe only coffee shops I went to was you on a Sunday night me you and Gavin went to a Sunday night

Off of Melrose Off of Melrose. Off of Melrose? Yeah. Like a... Just some fucking friend of yours who booked a coffee shop. We did a lot of coffee shop.

Then we also did the bar where we all bombed on... In the heart of Hollywood, Bochers. Me, you, the black dude with dreads, A.J. Jamal. And fucking...

A.J. Jamal. And fucking Zooman. And Zoom man was the only one killed. Corey. And the black dude from How to Pick Up a Single Chick. Oh, Pierre? Pierre.

Yeah. Pierre's back in town. Is he? Yeah, yeah. What's he doing? Bald? He shaved his head. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know what I saw him down at the store. And I also saw the little guy back, Anthony Johnson. Really? Yeah, what happened to A.J. Jamal? He did movies, and he writes, and he pops up from time to time. I think he does the casino. Man, he always made me laugh. One of the hardest guys I ever had to follow.

One of the guys that when I got a spot at the comedy store, I would hate to say who's in front of me. And if they said, A.J. Jamal or Adam or ever, I think of canceling. Yeah, AJ Jamal was tough. Tough. And Dom, still, you know, I love watching Dom. So do I. At the Laugh Factory, that monthly show, I go down there for him. I go down there to sit and watch him

and see how he pushes people's buttons. That's 35 years of comedy. Masterful. Because if I'm doing comedy 27 years, I saw him on HBO when I was not doing comedy. So that's a complete different fucking level of comedy. But he does it so masterfully. That's what he is.

30 fucking years. That's what you are. Right now, I'm burnt out. I'm really burnt out. But I gotta tell you something, it's a bad time to be burnt out because I'm doing well on stage. For the first, you know, I got that. I finally figured out the formula.

The formula to get, like, to prepare for a special, it's the same thing as a fight. If I don't do the special right, it's because I don't make weight. This last special, I didn't train correctly for it. To be honest, I never trained for anything. The special, me and lead, the CD, the first one was on the drive down

and I think it's one of the best things I ever did What do you mean on the drive down? On the drive down to Brea we discussed doing a CD and he rented the thing for 35 bucks and we cleaned it up and put it on iTunes You did the set at Braya Yeah and I still think to this day

One set not even two One not even two It's one of my best sets in my mind I like doing crazy sets like that And switching it up and talking a little bit, telling the story. I didn't know you that much at that point.

I mean, do you remember how much of it was, like, what you were doing at that point, or was that just off the cuff that night? It was towards the holidays, so I had 15, like the holidays. I had 20 that I came up, and 20 that I was working on. And it just all happened to fit.

There's some nights where just, you have to have a tape recorder on it because you never know when that was one of those nights. The other things I taped are garbage. Anything else I taped was garbage. And in the Seesaw Special, I rated it like a fucking five. But I learned from it. And I learned that by the time I got to the special, I was burnt out.

I listened to other people. It's just like training for a fucking fight. And I'd rather do it here first for three or four weeks. Yeah. And then do two solid weeks and trim off the fat or maybe do four out of five. That's how to do it. Four out of five, what, nights? No, four out of five?

a five weeks. So you trim the fat off for about three weeks here. Flappers at the comedy store, the laugh factory, and the improv. It's a journey. It's not going to be easy. Wait, and you're going to do... That's how I would do it. How would you do it? But you couldn't do an hour at all those places? No. So let's say you come to me and go, Joey, want you to shoot a special February 1st, today, November, whatever. I bang out Bray and I bang out the store tomorrow night. I bang out fucking Irvine. And I start from scratch. First battleground is Sacramento. I tested it up there.

Remember, I want to do 45 minutes and 30. I want to really take them to deep... Yeah. Deep underwater. I don't want them to come up. You're talking about this one here. Yeah, if I get this one here. So I would probably do that.

I'm going to have ear surgery. So once I recover that whole week of ear surgery, we'll shut down the podcast. And I'm probably just going to recover. You're going to tape some ahead of time? No. I like doing them in the day of. I want the full-pat-to-a.

That shit about let's make believe it's next Friday the 28th. And then they shoot the present here, you and me, are talking about baseball looking like two assholes. Fuck you. You know what I'm saying? Fuck you. It'll sound like the pre-tapes. So what are we talking about?

Yeah, I would do it that way. I would do a month here, and then two weeks on the road, take a week off, two more weeks on the road. If you're doing a half an hour on the road. No, 45 on the road, but I'm going to work for 45 and 30 for a special. Do you follow me? I'm going to try to get 45 minutes of material in 30 so you don't breathe.

I'm going to come out to jump. I'm going to jog. I'm going to get my endurance up. I'm going to go to Dr. Amy to clean my lungs out. That's why my lungs have been wheezing because I haven't gone to see Dr. Amy. That's my plan on day this week. When is that special? When do you think you'll have?

have it done. Well, this, I don't know. I don't know if I would, I'm just assuming, but now I know how to do it correctly. It's just like a fight. You have to peek with the special. So if you did two weeks on and a road, two weeks on, and then you took a week off and you did two more weeks, five more shows, ten shows. And now you shut that special following Saturday night. And then you worked flappers and the ice house that Wednesday, you'll be ready. And then that Friday, when you get into that local town, go to an open mic somewhere and tell them you want to do 10 minutes. Like Chicago has a thousand open mics. Yeah.

Go do an open mic, do 25 minutes, and you're ready to shoot a special. I... You don't want to overburn. No. And you don't want an under-prepared. See, I, but I would rather be under than over. So, for me, this time when I shot this one, I went a little... I always go just a little bit under.

Because I like to... Because when I go over, I think it gets too memorabil. for me. Well, that's what happens because like this time here I got caught up in the jokes. You cannot get caught up in the jokes. You have to own the jokes, but lose them and improvise a little bit. It's like when you learn an arm bar. I can teach you an arm bar. I learned an arm bar. You're not going to get it

because you've got to trick me. Right. You've got to figure out a way now how to trick me so that arm stays there. So all I got to do is grab it and spin and now that leg comes over. good night, Irene. But if I'm going to wrestle with you, arm to arm, and I'm pushing off your heel. Once you see it coming,

it's not the arm bar. It's the trick going into the arm bar. It's how I'm going to get that arm to stay there. You know? Yeah. Is doing comedy different when you're shooting versus when you're at a club? Like I imagine it's different.

You've seen it. You've been there for everything. How there, you never see me do anything better than the Ice House those working out with Uncle Joey's. Those are great. You're free. You're just free.

There's something about that. When you tell the audience that listen, this is a roller coaster tonight. I was even thinking of doing a working out with Uncle Joey tour. Yeah. Just going to Tennessee's. Listen, 15 bucks at the door. Don't worry about nothing. Yeah.

Whatever you're here tonight, Lee's going to tape it. And we're going full forward here. Some of my best shows. That's the funniest shit in the world. Some of my best shows are late shows that don't sell that well. because it's the loosest it's the loosest loose and we've already done a set

yes we've already done a set so we've already been at bat so now the second show you're already loose so me I gotta tell you something this is my problem lately my big problem lately is listen traditionally the first show does not like Joey Diaz

traditionally you mean the early show the early show these people walk kid because a friend told him, go see this guy, and when they get there, I open up with something obscure, and the battleship sinks from there. So,

I've learned to energize them, energize those sets, where even if they don't think the material is funny, just my actions and my energy will throw them off a little bit, and they'll go, wow, that was something different. Well, you know what I learned last year? I don't know if I told you this,

but I used to move around a lot on stage, a lot. And then last year... No, no, you're like dizzy, you're dizzy people. Yeah. You made people dizzy after 10 minutes. Yeah, it was too much. But last year, and last year, yeah, last year and the year before, I really did basically every set with the mic and the stand, and that was it.

That's it. And I don't touch the microphone off the fucking stand. Now, now I don't move nearly as much. Now I'll take it out every now and then, but I'm pretty. Still, but it took just trying to get out of my comfort zone a little bit to realize that one. Again, this all comes from experience. If you're a young comic, you could sit there and trick yourself because you're going for the quickest route right now to get somewhere. I'm telling you about the best route to get somewhere, which is time and longevity.

Yeah. You come out here too soon. you're not going to have the legs to do what you want to do. And if you want to come out here and struggle, you have my wish also. You know, you have my blessing also. You're going for it. But I'd rather you do the struggling in your hometown and come out here when you're doing 35 and you're throwing fucking heat.

The struggle is too hard here. Do you, would you have rather have stayed in Seattle? No, I have grew Seattle. Yes, right. I have grew Seattle. And that was the, that was, I did two, three years. there and I had already outgrown it. Beside my criminal proms,

I could tell that I outgrew it because the guys that were supposed to motivate me. Weren't motivating me. No. I was motivated by the guys in my class. The guys that were ahead of me in Seattle

were not coming back and going, oh my God, you got to see what's going on. It wasn't until I met a guy by the name of In Seattle? The guy that I had to follow that night that died, that he was in that movie The Burbs with Tom Hanks. I was going to say Brian Dunkerman,

not Brian Dungerman. The guy he had to follow? Yeah, he came and he did that movie with Tom Hanks. And Rick, Rick... Rick Dukerman? That guy was the first guy that really opened my eyes into the world to stand up time. I remember, that's right.

He kind of took you up. under his wing. I became friends with him. I followed him and when I got off he waited for me. But you got in touch with him down here still too. Yes, I touched to him and I did everything

he told me to the letter. When I would call him upset, he would tell me not to be upset. This is, do you plan on staying here? Yeah, then that's just, you're not going to hit the first two weeks. Not anymore. It's not the 70s here.

You know, it's not the 70s. here where they put you on welcome back car there's an extra thing I didn't get that dead now I understand it but it's a tough sell the young comics it's a very tough sell to young comics to listen

you're getting sponsored to LaF factory and you're getting sponsored to your improv keep your mouth shut go to your spots write and keep doing this shit get yourself a commercial agent get ready to go out and auditions by the way I went to an audition today

I mean, that you? Do I want to do it every fucking day? You like it? Not. But I tell you why an audition is good. You see people. You see people you haven't seen. Oh, yeah, because you, the guys who go out for what you go out for are probably the same.

It's the same group of dudes, right? But it's funny. When I first got here, I went out against Frank Stallone, Joey Botafoco. It was intimidating as fuck. When I first got out of here, I remember going to an audition and seeing the guy that they froze in Goodfellas in an audition. I just shit my pain.

I had it going after him. I'm like, why am I here? He's Frankie Carbone. He got Frozen and Goodfellas. You know what it is to follow those guys? Yeah. But I was also 32, 33. Then, today I went into a room

and the most notable guy in there. you don't know. Lee, Sons of Anarchy, the guy whose daughter kicked over Jack's Tellers when they went to his house and he invited him in. He was really good.

I get that. What do I owe you for the bike? And the guy's like nothing. We're square and he paid for his mortgage. That dude was there. I hadn't seen him in 10 years. And it's funny because he sat right next to me

and he goes, how you doing? I go, you were great in the sons of anarchy. Do I know the guy's name? I wouldn't know. know if I told you. But it was, it's the same group. And there was another guy there that I go up against for all mobster, plumber, rose.

And he goes, it's good to see. I thought you'll move back to New York. And I go, how has it been? You know, we were outside. We all walked, we were on Larchmont. Oh, yeah. Which I wanted to go to get a slice of pizza for Lee, and I changed my mind. Down the corner, that's where they say is the best pizza.

It's a good pizza down there. That guy owned one up in Hollywood. That was very good, but he sold it now. But when I was there, I walked down the stairs, and even though there was traffic and the whole thing, I'm like, I used to enjoy this. And now I could be a little pecky and chew. Like this one, this morning when I woke up, I'm like, nah, I'm not going to this, but I can't turn them down because they're coming. And when they, do you want them to keep coming? You got to show up to these.

You can hit them on an excuse from time to time. We have a six o'clock for you in Santa Monica. Uh-oh. You don't know what happened tonight. Boy, I got a flat tire. The car blew up. I found the burglar in the house. How many appointments have you canceled in Santa Monica?

A million? I just don't settle. When they go, I say, where's your office? And they say Santa Monica, I go, where else can we meet? Where else can we meet? Where I don't. But no, you went through hell because what people at home don't understand is these pitch meetings, nobody went to more pitch meetings than Josh Wool.

Oh, my God. And you know that nobody sees you until 4.30. Everybody wants to see you at 430. And then you get to call at 3.30 that they can't see you so far. and you're on Santa Monica and Fifth Street and the MTV building pulling your head because you know when you make

and the best is when you go upstairs and it's a 10 minute pitch or a 15 minute pitch and well thank you for coming now and no questions thanks for coming in that was great and you get in that car and you make the left on Olympic

the right on Olympic it's just a line and the line the light changes three times and you move two inches I worked on Olympic for two years nobody understands That is a fucking nightmare.

To get from wherever that, like, to get from even Bundy That's why it works. An Olympic to the 405 can take like, fuck. It's bananas, right? Especially, like, we had nights where he would have shows at the Ice House

on a Wednesday nights, and the show would be at like 8.30, 9 o'clock. I would leave at 6.30 and just make it. It's 20 miles. You were talking earlier about how there's, people who you don't like you lose track of in L.A.? Yeah. What about your friends who just like

live in Culver City? You know, like, oh, I'm never going to see you. I'm sorry. Yeah. My brother lives in Santa Monica. Your brother. My brother lives in Santa Monica. But he's always like, hey, you won't come down here. I'm like, do you want to come up here? Because neither one of us want to get on the fucking 405. But it's because LA is so spread out. And there's no real public transportation. And everything takes like fucking 45 minutes to get.

That's why, you know, I used to keep, I used to keep food in my car. How much food? Well, okay. So I used to work when I worked on staff at Chelsea. The first place was basically Olympic in Bundy. Right, yeah, I think it was across the street from where I worked. Yeah. Yeah, we worked in the Hulu office, right?

Yeah, right there, yeah, yeah. So, you know, that could take a little while. while. So I would put some, I always packed food in the morning. I would put it in there, keep it in there. Because I'm no dummy. You didn't never, well, it was like an hour and a half in the car. I never packed food in the car. Oh, I put fucking snacks right in the middle. Are you kidding? See, I get too into the snacks. I crash.

No, you're only doing two miles an hour. So you smoke a little weed? So what's nice? I mean, you had your little show there. any of these bitches gonna come out pretty soon and said you felt up their tetties when you auditioned them for the cowboy girl as a matter of fact the one time

I had somebody in my office that I needed to talk to because somebody in my office made a call to get somebody fired pretended to be somebody else and made a call to a company

that I had hired to get somebody that company had sent over fired because she didn't like that person. And we had to figure out who it was. So when I brought one of the women into the office, I made

sure that there was somebody else in the office. I hadn't even thought of it. And then the showrunner was like, you know you're going to have somebody in that meeting with you. And I said, why? And she was like, if you ever end up having to fire her, she can say whatever she wants about what happened in that office.

You got to have a bit. I never even thought of it. I didn't even think about it either. Because obviously that wasn't my intention But she was like, no, you can't be in there by yourself Because if we do have to end up firing her Somebody has to have been in that office with you It would have never crossed my mind You know

It's just weird where we're gone It's just weird where we're going with this It's just really weird And like I said I don't mind We all fucked up and make mistakes But don't don't make fuck and fire where there ain't one.

You know, they'll make a beef where they really ain't one. And that's a scary thing. Like, it's making women safer in the workplace. But then, like, I'm not in the position to hire anybody. But as a man, it would be a little scarier to hire the hot receptionist or do something like that, don't you think? You just have to, you, I think right now you have to just be extra diligent that you never. I've been thinking about not hugging, what you think?

I take head shots. When you take pictures and shit where people after the shows, I'm thinking I just hugging the guy. And even that's going to stop. Just stand there like fucking three conflicts. Yeah. Hands in your pocket? That's it. Because it's getting bad out there and I got time for this shit.

Where you perform in the next couple weeks? This weekend I'm in Kansas City. Oh, you're born back to the wig? I'm not. All right. I told you, did I ever tell you what he said to me? I can just imagine. Well, he goes, hey, he pulled me into his office one day.

He goes, hey, this is so funny we're going to talk about this now. He goes, hey, you fuck teenagers? He goes, do you fuck teenagers? I go, no. And he goes, okay. And that was it. That was the only thing. Yeah.

You'll need to go there anymore. So, yeah. So, I made of the KC improv this weekend. I think it's the, I don't know, whatever. Send them my love, tell him I'll be. down. We had a misunderstanding last time. I will. And then where are you going after that? Where are you New Year's Eve?

I'm taking most of December off. But I do that podcast with Freddie Prince Jr. called Prince and the Wolf. Oh shit. That's right. You've been a shout out of shit. At least I was going on with you. Mom's leaving him off. I'm very proud of you. He hooked Mom up. He was going to put it in Airbnb like some fucking victim of death. I didn't. Don't worry. Until they were able to bust in there and give a Cosby pill or something.

You were going to put you? We didn't let your mom station. But he got a raid over at the Macaulso, they took care of them. Oh, that's nice. The mom liked the hotel, they took good care of it. Yeah, it's decent. Did you put that steakhouse at all? Downstairs? No, no, no, the Tucci place.

Have you? No. No, we didn't go there. We went to a different one. Riverside. Riverside. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, next to all that stuff there.

Dr. Amy was up the corner. My friend stayed there once. I mean, you don't have a lot of options up here. So, like, there's a fucking... You've got a sportsman's lodge. And that's, no. I heard that's not good. No, hookers not.

You're going to the middle of night. Come all. People yelling. Yeah, bro. And then, like, the nice one, like the holiday in down the corner is, what, $2.80 a night? Yeah, that's right. There isn't much in the valley, is there. You know, across the street from the Denny's, and the backyard is a Ford dealership.

There are no nice hotels in the valley. No, there's Burbank has one. You got to make a right. But then that's 15, 20 minutes away. I like having her five minutes away. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's a nightmare. That's down whatever street.

It's bike church. It's across the street from Popeye's chicken there. That's one of the best hotels in the Valley. That one there, that's where gangsters stay. That's where fucking George Mazzdavaal stay and UFC fighters. They put them over there when they do the Fox broadcast. Really? Yeah.

That's where I know a guy that owns a company and stays there. Anyway, go to joshwulf.net. What is it? Comedianjashwulf.com. Comedianjoshwulf.com and get you all your Joshwolf info. As far as the flying Jew, he's always looking good. He's going into Hanukkah season, ready to fucking go. But without further ado, let me explain something to you that I've really,

and I've heard great things about him. If you need great talent for your business, but you're short on time, you just have to get lost in a huge stack of resumes to find your perfect high. You just need the right tools. What if hiring could be easier, more streamlined, and less time-consuming? So even when you're busy, you could still be smart about the way you hire. If you're hiring, you know that quality hires keep your business moving forward, correct? Yeah, but you also know it can take a lot of time to find the right candidate.

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so you don't have to waste time sorting to a stack of resumes to find the perfect fit. No wonder, 80% of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get quality candidates through the site in just one day. That's why ZipRecruiter is the smartest way to hire. Let me tell you what I'm going to do for you Because your Uncle Joey likes you, the holidays are coming, the new year's coming You want to get rid of that dead wood in your office

Here's what you're going to do Go to ZipRecruiter, all right? Now it's been used by grown businesses of all sizes and industries So I don't care if you're on a shoe store, whatever you do ZipRecruiter will hook you up And right now listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter You ready? Free, free, free, that's right, free

Just go to ZipRecruiter slash church C-H-R-C-H That's ZipRecruiter slash church One more time We're going to give it to you for free ZipRecruiter

Slash-Church Listen ZipRecruiter Is the best way to go When you're looking for a qualified candidate Now It's a new year You've been single for 10 months

You know You don't know what's going on with yourself I mean you got a nice job You got a nice car You got a nice cat You got everything to catch a girl you got the tattoo. I mean, you've done it all.

Have you ever considered that you're fucking stinky asshole on your nutsack? Do you look at women's faces when they go down on you? You see that that onion is fucking protruding their nose hairs.

You see that little Filipino eyebrows raising up. You know why? Because your ass stinks and it carries over into your nutsack. Buy your helmet and it surrounds your helmet.

It's right there in that area with the jeans. That's why hello-thushy.com is the way to go. I mean, listen, Thanksgiving is a time to express your gratitude and recollect on what you're truly grateful for. It's also time when you invite your family members, those fucking savages into your home to eat up all your turkey,

and then they go in your bathroom. They blow it up with their post-meal shits. This year, make sure when your family shits in your house, they leave with a clean fucking asshole. Give them a starting life, you know what I'm saying? You get a tushy bidet for $69. with a risk-free 90-day trial. 90-day trial.

Listen, don't have grandma leave with that fucking stink bucket of an asshole with gravy butt. Give a Tushy, you know what I'm saying? Why are you going to make a wipe with that flimsy toilet paper? Her fucking gorilla finger's going to bust through the paper that she's going to have shit on her fingernails that she's going to try to give you corn on the cob.

Fuck that shit. Tushy to the rescue, bitches. Tushy will wash away all those mash potatoes with a gentle stream of water straight to your little muffler hole, giving it the best clean you've ever had. I mean, listen, people want to leave the leftovers, but they're not hanging their assholes. You're fine? No dingoberries when you got Tushy. Make sure you're ready for the holiday bum rush with Tushy. Stop wiping with that fucking nasty toilet paper.

Your finger always breaks through it. and now you got bacteria in your fingernail and you want to hang out with your friends and eat fruit and shit. Fuck that shit. Get the Tushy bidet. Badeys are back, you filthy animals. Hello, Tushy.com right now

and use the code church for 10% off your order. The end of your stinky asshole ends down. Let me tell you something. You know those people you look at and you look at and you go, you know what? I can't pick a winner at the track. But I'll tell you what, I bet his asshole snob. like 10 dead fucking cabbages.

Give him a bidet for Christmas. It's $69 with a 60-day guarantee. If Lee still has his and I still have mine, what does that tell you about the quality? Within the stink or the weight, we would have busted it by now. But fucking Tushy is still there holding on. Don't fuck up.

Go to hellotushy.com and use code church for 10% off your order. I want to thank Lee Syatt. I want to thank Josh Wolf. And I want to thank the church family for having our fucking back, all right? I'll see you motherfuckers tomorrow. Even if you don't have tickets,

I need you outside with signs, sticks, bazookas, machine guns. We've got to show Netflix who the fuck is running things. You understand me? I'll see you Wednesday night or Thursday. Stay black. Have a great weekend. Josh Wolf, one more time.

And my main man, Leesaiat, aka the original Christ Killer.