The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #534 - Aida Rodriguez

Episode Date: November 17, 2017

Aida Rodriguez, is a Comedian and actress seen on Comedy Central and Fox, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US andCanada.   Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Recorded live on 11/16/2017.


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Listen. You could go knock your seat. self-file. I'm a fat fuck. I got problems. Let me tell you what he'll be. On it. From the alpha brain. You think I smoke all this reefer? You know it balances me out? Acupuncture

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The 17th. Tomorrow, it's 30 years. the kidnapping. Fuck it. I'm a new man. Joey Diaz. Ada Rodriguez or Gonzalez is one of those fucking names.

And the Jew killer. The Christ killer, Jew killer. Who gives a fuck? It's the church of what's happening now, cocksuckers. A little hector Levo there. Here we go. Oh shit.

A little something for Puerto Ricans. Here we go. Get ready to jump. up out of the fucking car right here. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? You need a Santana, you got to shoot some heroin. That's it.

Here we go. Is crazy. Are you fucking nuts or what? That's off the album, I don't even know, 1971. Crime pays. There you go, motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here with my favorite fucking Puerto Rican Cuban.

And my favorite Christ, a happy Hanuk of three weeks. Thank you. Anyway. So we got to open up the show with a special story for you. Because people always make fun of Owen Benjamin and Sarah, Tiana, and Paulie Shaw. We're going to tell you an intimate story about what happened last time. My girl Aida visited us over on Lancashim at the death office.

We were in between the fucking, the weed store and Jeffrey Dahmer's cousin. He was cutting bodies in there. You could smell the fucking livers. And a homeless guy. And a homeless guy. In the whole way that robbed the lady. He was playing awesome all day. Anyways.

So just for my defense, I don't really care if guests get higher and it makes no difference to me what they want to do with their lives. I love them. I got them on the show because I got some type of admiration for him. So last time, Aida, came on, we offered a bonging, nah, nah, nah. But me and Lee, we're eating stars. One thing led to another. Aida sat there for about a nine and a half. And kept looking at me and Lee

And in her mind She's like, what? These guys are having a great time. Fuck it, their eyes are red. And the impulse, I see her reach, grab a star, and she eats the whole fucking thing. I looked at a wee,

and all right, we're cool. And the podcast is, you know, starting to an end. I was hungry. And I see a change coming over, Ada. And she gives me a hug, Leah, a hug, and she leaves and take it from there,

Ada. I got, I stopped at the, in and out on Lancashire because I couldn't drive anymore. My heart was just like palpitating. Which was like a block, half a block down. I was like, I can't do it. So I called my kids and I said, you guys got to come get me. And my son came and got me. And they said I was walking around in circles. And I was just, they said I lost my mind. And then I started saying, I'm going to die. I feel like I'm going to die. Take me to the hospital. I'm going to die. So when I got to the

hospital, I had two panic attacks. So they had, they almost broke my arm. I was telling him, giving me these shots. And they, they thought I was like a drug addict. My son was like, she never does this. I don't know what's going on. And the doctor was like, yeah, sure she does. Like, poor kid, he's got a lie for his mom. It was just, it was hilarious, though. It was really funny. Did they keep you there overnight? Yeah, it was, they let me go in the morning. But it was two days. And you told me, because I talked to you and you said, you're not going to feel better until tomorrow. And I was like, I'll be all right.

And then the next day I was still... Oh, yeah, the next day, it's like a fucking shock. Yeah. There's nights I wake up with... Listen, I hate doing Xanax in Valium. Like, my buddy gives me Xanax from time to time. And if I'm on the road, I like them. Because the time change.

I can't tolerate the time change. Right. And my body will stick to the fucking time change. So that means I'm not going to bed until three when I'm in Ohio and I gotta do radio at 615. Right. So I'll pop a fucking Xanax

or two and I'll drink a fucking milk or something, some chocolate milk and I'll pass out. I don't like the feeling in the morning, though. I wake up, I have to take a longer shower. I got to make coffee in my room and drink more coffee downstairs. I can't smoke weed until I come back. And when I do smoke weed, I got to take another nap.

But with the edibles, I get up and my food. I get up in the morning, and once I shower, I'm good. Lee has a secret. He says the secret is to take a shit. And once the rubber, a little gooey, star shit comes out of the ass, I complete equal. It's not really a secret.

They just, my body stopped, my shit smells like stars in the morning. I'm what of those statistics of, today we read a, we got a weird article. He didn't contact me right away. Did you read the article? Because I'm worried him after starting. There was another, I thought somebody else molested somebody.

And that's it, starting January 1st, which is six weeks away. All edibles in California will be 10 milligrams. That means, you know, we got to set up a revolt. We got to set this into appeals. Or we got to create our own fucking black market. Laman on air. You're going to start protesting? Well, we got no choice.

We've got an attorney to fucking revolt this until January. We got people addicted. Can march on the 400-mountain L.A. The sign? 10 milligrams. The face of this revolution I'm looking at him. Why am I to face the revolution?

You're a nice, sweet Jewish boy. Yeah, you're the only one that could do it. Yeah, from abort. I got to believe it. They didn't think I want it. So, starting tomorrow. I think they might have done this band because of this podcast.

Starting tomorrow. We're going to do a, we're going to start fucking buying the goods and stocking them, stockpiling. What's the most you guys done? Because I remember the last time I was here. $2,400,000.

$3,000. I did $3,000. I did about $4,000. No, you didn't. You always didn't more than me. Dog, I was doing $500 when I met you for breakfast. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I was eating two pieces of banana bread when you were still fucking.

I'm not saying you don't have a better resume than I do, but I'm saying I've done more stars than you've done. No, you have not. Yes, I have. No, because I eat five before you even look at them. I eat four hands in a time. Sometimes I get embarrassed to tell you how many stars I really eat because I don't want you think I'm crazy. Well, that's your sales, so I think we're okay. At least wrong.

missed about it, right or wrong. But I'm happy you went through that. I was very worried about you. So 4,000 milligrams and they're trying to minimize it to 10? Yeah. Listen, Ben. No one needs 4,000. We worked. It took us five years of hard work. Dedication. This has not been some fucking walk in the park. This is testing on. When I go to acupuncture, like I go to acupuncture, I used to go every other week, so she tuned me up. Like smoke would come out of me. You could smell a reefer in the room. She's gone. How much pot of you been smoking? Is there an alternative to this? You know, can you start eating more?

And then she would, I would eat it more. And then she'd say, well, something's going on with your adrenals. And your gallbladder is heavy today. Because when they stick the needle, if that hurts that. That organ. That chakra. That means there's something going on there. So this last Tuesday I went, guys, she tuned me up.

I tell you how hard she tuned me up. All right. I had to go home, usually acupuncture day, I don't do dick. I hate planning spots on acupuncture day. Because I know at night, if she did a good job, I'm not going to want to do dick. Yeah, you want to go. She told you to drink water, eat a light dinner, and let the fucking acupuncture sink in. And this time, I was so tired when I got home, I slept three hours that afternoon.

I usually go down for an hour and a half. I went down for three Not one and a half but three And I went to bed last night I had to be at 11 o'clock And I woke up at 6 Straight Usually I got them three times to pee

Because I'm over 50 Not last night bitch I slept right to 6 like a soldier I had to pee like a fuck It was coming out of my eyes I woke up But Alicia told me she was here recently She came on about three weeks ago

Two weeks ago to promote her movie which won number one. Yeah. At the film? Yeah, it won the film festival. Congrats. Short film, perverted fucking section. You know what I'm saying?

The name of the movie is pervert. Yeah. So somebody called her the idea about distribution or something like that. So she's pretty happy. She told me, did she do the edible? I forgot what she told me. I talked to her. She does her thing.

Yeah, no, no. She said she was talking about the show. She said, I fucking call. This is the one I do. I call Felicia about 11. I plant the seat and that. She'll bullshit me with some story. You don't have to play a flower.

and I have to get recipes ready and I have to I'm doing a piece for some magazine did you bathe yet and you go yeah why are you asking me that because about 2 o'clock come over take a breathing come over and hang out see the cats

and I'll see you for 20 minutes and that's exactly what she does so she comes over we go in the backyard we do a couple pipe heads we bullshit about comedy for eight minutes. She tells me that there's no women on the comedy store lineup. Yeah. And then my wife comes back there, bails me out,

and then all three of us talk for 15 minutes, then Felicia leaves. So we get, you know what I'm saying? Like the glue's still there. I love it at death. Yeah, me too. I love that woman at death. I got to torture her.

I got to be straight with her all the time, you know. She comes to me and says shit to me that's outrageous. I don't choke her because I love her. It's against the law. But then I'll think about it, and I'll think about who it's coming from, and I love her even more. God bless her, because her heart is straight-up gold. Absolutely.

100% love her, too. Her heart is straight-up gold, and she's a real comic. Yeah. When I look at her, I don't look at her as a man or a woman. She's ambiguous to me. She's a real comic. Yeah. I've already set the marker where, you know, I went to her and said,

Felicia, and they're a big favor. Now, you know how sweet this girl is. If you think these people are sinking Kevin Spacey and Louis C.K., Felicia Michaels could put me into fucking jail. I went to Felicia Michaels, because I went to Felicia Michaels the first time I was shooting the CD cover. I go Felicia,

and if you take a picture of me, there's a confessional in this church. Let's go into the church and take a few pictures. Joey, it's against nothing. It's against nothing. You're a photographer. People go to Cambodia, they get shot at.

I'm asking you to fucking go into a church with me. Okay, so I took it to the church. Sure enough. confessional. I stood next to the door. She took a picture. It was to cover my CD. I love Felicia. She photographs me perfect. The next time I had an idea for some where I got my boss from, you know, I couldn't ask her on the phone. That's the type of thing you got to ask her to her face. Because you got to watch the cracking, you know what I say? So I went to my house like nothing, like nothing ever happened. And I said, Felicia, you got to talk to you for a second.

You got your camera? You can tell me, I always have my camera. You know what's going back out. I asked you for a favor. I went in the back of the list. I got this documentary I'm doing where I got my balls from. Do you mind taking a picture of my boss? It was 9.30 in the morning. You didn't see a beautiful face.

Well, I'll do it. But, you know, so I had a hold of my dick up in my hand, and she photographed me. And then she got into it. Like, at first she was like eight feet away, then she got close and close, and then I was posing and shit.

So we picked the picture that was in. I never mentioned it to nobody. That's the covers. Her taking those pictures. She's a photographer. She's a good photographer. About a year ago, she calls her, you don't got to believe what happened.

You know those pictures of your boss? Or, like, put them in my yearbook, and my kids found him. Oh, that's a great picture for your kids to find. She's a fucking great lady. But you got to try. I got to torture from time to time. I got to, like, give her a little thing,

and she gets mad at me for two days. I like when she gets feisty, though. Oh, please. She's always fucking feisty. It's my girl. There's always some mention Germans or something. She goes fucking crazy. You know, I did my fundraiser when I was raised.

Congratulations. I'm sorry. It was Ralphies. No, I know you were. But she went on stage and did her set. And then she cut her set short. She took a hat with her and she passed a hat around and told the people she was going to match the money. And she collected like $250.

And she made the charity. $750, which I thought was awesome. It was great because she was so selfless in that moment. And she killed. She went. She's a fucking, she's a vocal fucking specialist, man. So what's going on in Puerto Rico? Give me the report of Ulet, you as her cousins, relatives, aunts, uncle.

It's bad. It's bad. And when people say it's getting better or when they say, you know, Puerto Rico is, we got this and we got that is bad. the electricity is off. February. Yeah. The green's not going to be up until February. That means April.

They had a power surge with a little bit of electricity that was there out again. So like the majority of the island doesn't have any electricity. And it's going to take years to rebuild. It's like cases of water and food. All of that is great. It's going to take years to people lost their house. All my aunts, all my family, my family's family. They're all in one house because everybody lost their house.

So they all live in one house now. And half of them had them go to Miami to get jobs. Yeah, a lot of people are in Orlando. Yeah, a lot of people in Orlando. That's a big port. There's a little city outside of Orlando, like a suburb. Kissing me. Kissing me.

Or a lot of Puerto Rico. I have family there too. It's crazy. I did a show there one time, and I couldn't believe how many Puerto Ricans were at the fucking show. The promoter couldn't believe. The promoter was like, she's Puerto Rican, and she was doing a dance night. And somebody said, doing a comedy show. when she did the math, and she hired Angel Salazar.

And they were busting through the door. They had to have another show. And, you know, it's crazy. You know, where's the biggest Puerto Rican community? Check it out, Lee. Biggest Puerto Rican community in the United States. Not New York? It's Cleveland, Ohio.

Oh, yeah. I was in, yes, I was in Ohio a few months ago. Because of the car business in the 50s. A lot of Puerto Ricans. A lot of Puerto Ricans moved there. And, you know, they have eight kids before they did. Those motherfuckers don't stop, Jack. Yeah, we're everywhere.

It's so funny. I was telling, well, I said in my stand-up, now people know what I am. It only took a category five hurricane for people to know what a Puerto Rican is. Because people always ask me here, you're really tall for a Mexican. What kind of Mexican are you? You know, I say the kind with papers. But don't get mad. Or get mad.

I don't care. still working a lot. Yeah, I've been working a lot. You know how you, when every time, we and Felicia talk about this, like, I don't have to see you all the time, but when I see you, I get this little injection of energy and the more, the more I don't give a fuck on stage, the more I work. And now I always thought it'd be the other way around, but I just had to come to grips with, I'm not, I'm not one of those silly comedians. I'm not going to dance on stage. I'm not going to rap. I got a story to tell.

I'm a storyteller. And that's my stand-up. And it's been, the best thing for me is it's liberated me is just telling my stories and just being free. I come from dysfunction.

How the fuck do you think I feel? Oh. You know, for 15 years, 12 years, I was on stage, chucking and jiving. Chucking and jiving and fucking making strides. And then one day you find your voice, you find your true voice by mistake.

You do something and you find it by mistake. You don't even know what, for me it was the belly room. I was doing a one man show in the belly room. And I started telling stories. And the stories aren't like doing stand-up. When you're doing stand-up, you're trying to be a machine gun. Right. When you tell a story, it is what it is.

So there's lapses and silence that you have to learn to deal with. And really, it's a big difference telling a story than telling jokes on stage. And that was the first time that I went into myself and said, oh, shit. I'm never going to do that again. You know what I'm saying? I'm never going to show that dude again. That's not good. That's not good.

But the more I showed that dude, the better it got. Yep. And I remember coming to this town and going to my first audition as a limbo driver. And I asked somebody that I knew, I called him up. He was a really good actor. He did like five movies, then he moved back to Jersey. But he did a great Van Damme movie. One of Van Dam's best movies he was in and he was great.

And I called him up and I go, what are you doing these auditions? He goes, you're not going to understand this right now. But I'm telling you, this is the simplest way I can explain to you. Be yourself. Yeah. I'm like, be myself. But wait a second. I'm an actor.

How can I read myself and be a fucking actor at the same time? and ever since that night at the comedy store belly room my acting auditions changed you know I went to two auditions the last week that I was in shock I didn't get because I've been doing this for 20 years now

if you give me two days on an audition see it's different now it's a different game because Papa can't see so Papa got to know the lines so now that I have to know the lines that means the audition is going to be that much stronger because I'm much more confident when I go in there.

I take the line, the glasses with me, but I hide them. And I take the sides in, and I pray that there's good light. If there's good light and it's big, I can see and I can get away with it. I always keep the paper out to stay centered. Why fuck around? Why get off and have to go to the couch and get the paperwork or them have to give me the script? I always bring the script in.

I don't give a fuck if it's the fourth time. And I know it back to back. I always bring it. to center me, you know, so I have something to work with. I miss but these two auditions, and the one was, both of them were for gangsters. I used to get those

just walking in the room. I used to get those walking in the room, guys were looking at me and go, fuck. Fucking guy, he's showing up tonight. It's here. It's a different game out there, gee. Has anyone had an audition ever brought up the podcast before? Have they ever been like, oh,

because they're putting, you YouTube kids in movies now, so I figured maybe they'd want someone was a podcast. For me, it's not the 16 auditions I used to get no more. There used to be

a, you know, it was two theatrical auditions that kept you alive. From 2000 to 2004, this is the life I lived. I got jobs working opening for Rogan and I acted.

And acting means this. Every week you have two auditions. Both of them are either going to be on Tuesday, depending on what it is. They're going to have one Tuesday and one Thursday. The Tuesday one's going to be for a TV show. Because you read Tuesday, you're going to produce is Wednesday.

And you either work Thursday, Friday, Monday, or Tuesday or Wednesday. You follow me? That's how it used to be. And they used to give you three days and you really worked too. One day you went down there and you got something to eat. and you stood there while they shot somebody else and they sent you home.

You didn't make overtime, but they paid you for eight that you were going to be jiggering off for your house anyway. That's right. It was a different game. Now they'll tell you, either one day guest start.

And you're like, what are you talking about? There's eight scenes. We're going to shoot those motherfuckers in one day. And you're like, God damn, you people are fucking slave drivers. Damn. It's really weird how it's changed. So you always had something in the pipe.

Yep. Okay, you always has something in the pipe. So you went on two theatrical auditions and two commercial auditions. That's 16 a month. If you go on eight commercial auditions every month for four months, you'll book two commercials. Because I used to keep records. That's the number eight. Out of the eight, you're going to go to producers three times.

you're going to be on hold once and book ones. Those are the odds. You know what I'm saying? Like those are the way they were for me. Theatical was crazy. I would blank for a whole month. Three callbacks, two producer sessions for films, and book one thing the following month.

So it all, and then that audition you went to in January, they just called you back in May. Yeah. Because the money from Spain fell through. And now they got the money from an American company and they got fucking Val Kilmer to join the cast. You know what I'm saying? Like it's always a bullshit story,

but it's a different game now. Now it's... There are no rules. There's no rhyme or reason. And like he said, the YouTube kids, or whatever it is, and whatever it is, it's just a whole different game.

And you gotta be... Your mind has to be right for this now because it's just... It's a whole bunch of shit going on and you don't... I don't even know any. more. I'm like, well, you know, you're sitting here and you bump into different actors

at parks and different kids functions. I see guys. Hey, I don't remember me. We both read, oh shit, yeah. And I'll ask them, what's going on with you? Man. I know three guys personally that have already gotten

early retirement. They hit 55 and they said, we'll take him on sack money. Things are that bad. Shit. We'll take the pension, early pension. you lose a couple thousand dollars but that's how much their lives have changed can you still work and get and get pension or no

yeah you can still work and they just won't take them that'll save your money over one month plus add more to your pension fund I'm not retiring shit I'm gonna be great grandma on TV but I never retire me look at something like Julia soprano yeah he was how old when he got the soprano you don't want to know and he worked for five years years, they knew he was old.

They knew they had to shoot him out quickly. You know, he's going to fall asleep on you. You know, you got to shoot those out quick. That means those guys are ready to go at nine. They've been up since four. Do you know what I'm saying? They've been up since four. So they're the first shot.

They're ready to go. Yep. They know their lines, those old guys. But you got them until about 10.30. That's their first nap. So you better get them good before 10.30. How long is the first nap? 45 minutes.

They got to go lay down for a little while. So they'll shoot around them. They'll do shit like this. He'll make it come back before lunch. They'll give him some soup. They'll put his socks back on his shoes. He'll go out there again and do another hour, hour and a half. Then it's lunchtime.

He goes back to his trail, and then they shoot something else. Then they shoot him and he's done for the day. At what time at like one? 2.30, 3 o'clock. He's back on the... He'll tell him this, not only traffic. Get me under Van Buren Express, by 3 o'clock every day.

Whatever the fuck, he lives. Because he's old. Those people, you want to get him kids. You have kids on the set or a pet on the set. If you have a kid on the set, they have to take a certain amount of breaks. And they have to go to school while they're shooting. So if there's an 8, they can't exceed more than 8-hour day.

So it's four hours of class and 4 hours of shooting. or six hours of class and two hours of shooting. Don't quote me. But there are guys that sit there teachers with a fucking clock. You know, when you shoot a movie with a dog, oh, Jesus Christ. The dog has it better than you do? Yeah, they only knew. If the dog would only know, he'd come back to life and go,

I want my full fucking check-cock sucker. He got me living in a fucking house next to some other fucking dog shit next to me with the paper I'm making. Yeah, they do. They treat the animals really well. First off, if you fucking make a movie with an animal, you got to have a game animal there. I got animal control.

Yep. And everything is on the clock lane. You got that dog for 30 minutes. Go. He can't eat this. Can he jump off that cliff? Let's measure it. They have to measure the cliff.

Look at the other double. Yep. Can you shoot the dog? No, we brought this dummy in. And we'll look at them from this. wrangle bleeding. Well, we don't want to, we don't want the dog to be scared if he sees the blood.

They'll fucking say shit to you that your wiggle fall off. But it doesn't matter. That's part of it. And where is air bud now? Yeah, and where's air bud and where's this and where's that? It's really fucking amazing to see when you work with an animal. And, you know, listen, the six movies I worked on with an animal, it was a low-rent movies.

so the dog was half retarded. This guy wasn't fucking no fucking top of his class. You know what I'm saying? The dog who saved all those movies, that dog, he wasn't the sharpest dog in the shed. He had eight smarter brothers. They gave him away last and they really worked on him and they gave him special at after school

and the whole fucking thing. But that dog didn't know dick about dick. Dick about dick. You couldn't fucking believe how bad he was. We used three of them in one movie. The one dog in three movies and the other dog in three other movies, you look the same. Nice dog. They came up here.

They said, hello. But they don't know about action. They don't know about cut. They don't know dick about dick. So, you know, time is money. So come on, TikTok. You got to get those dogs like on the black fucking market. What's the weirdest animal you guys have ever worked with?

A man. An alligator. Oh, yeah, I don't know. Nibail. I'm not going to lie to you. You only all the alligators? No. No, they offered me.

They blacked me out. You had to go in a tub with three alligators. Nah. With, like, all like a little underwear on this shit. Fuck you. Was this Fear Factor? No. This had to be eight, nine, ten years ago for, I forget what it was.

Something with an alligator. Something that was tough on an alligator. Your underwear or something like that, I don't fucking know. I read this thing about how alligators, how small their brains are. Like, they have probably the smallest brains of animals. But they know how to bite. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, though.

Like, when people say, oh, he's trained. I'm like, he's been trained. You can't untrain an alligator. I believe that at some point, they are all going to kick back into their nature. You know what I mean? Like, I have a friend that used to play for the Minnesota Vikings, and his girlfriend brought home a mountain lion, a baby mountain lion. What?

She thought it was a regular kitten and then it grew up. And then she invited me over there and she was like, don't worry, he's been declawed and defanged. And I was like, did that motherfucker get de-mountain lions? Like, I don't understand why people think that these animals. Was it a full mountain lion? Yeah, it was a mind. She kept it. She kept it.

Did she ride it around her house or something? No, she just thought that it was an exotic animal. They were rich and it was just funny. No, does it depend. They have to have licenses to have those. It's against the law. Yeah. They eventually had to get rid of.

But she wanted to keep it, though. She wanted to keep it. I told this guy, I copped drugs in time and bolder a couple times. Maduro had snakes everywhere. So when you walk to this house, from time the time you go listen, be careful. One of my fucking killer panthers got away. He'll wrap himself around your leg. I got the venom real close to me to shoot to save your life for 15 minutes.

Oh, my God. No thanks. All that shit, there's a level. There's a level with Uncle Joey, right? I like animals from a distance. When they can't get to me and I can't get to them. I don't want to shoot a lion. I don't want to shoot a lion.

I just don't look at you for five minutes. Piece of beautiful animal. You look at your tail. Fucking amazing. When you see a lion, he's laying and got flies all over him. And he don't give a fuck. Oh, my God, yeah. And he's beautiful.

They're at, but, so, well, I lived in Miami. in a neighborhood where there was all buildings and there was one house and it was the drug dealer's house. They got busted. They had a tiger in the house. They had a monkey. They had all kinds of snakes. The reason they got busted is because the monkey got out. Yeah, they were about to feed them to the tiger. No, they just had all these exotic animals. They don't marimbero. And he had all these animals in the house. The monkey got out, all these cops around our neighborhood. That's how eventually they got busted. What makes drug dealers? lose their money. I know.

Lose control. They just have too much money? Especially when they live in a neighborhood full of miserable, broke people. I lost control, but I never lost the outside. Like I've always, always, always, always believed in a low profile. You never wanted to have like a pet? Low as you can. Huh?

You never wanted to have like an exotic pet? No, no, no. I'm talking about these were drugging. dealers. No, but yeah. Now, first of all, they live in a neighborhood where, you know, it was the hood.

If you know anything about this neighborhood. So it's tough enough to have a pit bull. Yeah. No, no, no, no. They got a lion, a fucking monkey. What else? All kinds of exotic snakes. Yeah, you know.

It's like us moving up here and go, knock down that office, there's the office, and that office, and get some animals in this motherfucker. I've got a lion in this bitch. So when people come over to do the podcast They don't feel uncomfortable Lump with the edibles Not as edible is the lions staring at you

Have a glass instead of walls So they can see the line You know, you just people go fucking nuts My point is what? Like I went nuts But I didn't go Ridiculous I was pale

You could tell I hadn't slept in a week Right And you know But the fanciness Like I never That's rule number one Where I grew up Like, listen, we don't give a fun.

Yep. You take that money, you hide it. And if they come to you and beat you to death, and they can't find it, and they don't see that you bought nothing, they got nothing on you. If you could justify your existence, they got nothing on you. Right. And it always made sense to me.

If you fucking, you know, when we robbed the gold chains that time, we became fucking Puerto Ricans on the fifth. I'm not going to lie there. But we went to, like, fancy restaurants, so you should have seen this. At 18, getting wine, give us a bottle of wine. You know what I'm saying? The mates of D going, like, who the fuck are these guys? Right.

And I was taking out wads of money. That went on for about a month. But I'm talking about after that, I looked at it and said, what the fuck was I thinking? I'm never doing that again. No. And even in Aspen, in 83, I had a little vault. I had my apartment, and I was burglarizing apartments. But I had an apartment that had done construction out.

me and this old guy did a reconference, eight weeks and to get the power, we had the keys to all the apartments. There were ski condos for people. People like you that are millionaires and buy a house and snowmass and go there once a month, once a year.

If you're lucky. They go there once a year late. Once a year. So I would go into their houses and get a closet outside. Everybody has a closet outside. their door to hide their skis. I would get the key to that door and get a double key

and hide my money, whatever coke I stole, and whatever fucking, anything else. I had money, I had hash, had a bunch of cash in that little fucking box in the back of those skis. But, dog, I never touched it. I lived under the $10 I was making as an electrician. And people were looking at me, but they couldn't. You wouldn't see me at a bar.

You wouldn't see me with a Corvette. You wouldn't see me in a convertible. I wouldn't do that. You stashed that money, and when you're ready to split, nobody knows nothing, and you've got the rest of your life made, and while everybody else is flashing their shit justifying their existence. Yep. Nobody knows nothing.

I learned that from the legend, Maya Lansky, until the end. Nobody knew nothing. I didn't make a living. I got a pension for 2,000 a month. Really? You're a piece of the action on kosher chickens. how the fuck do you get $2,000?

Don't worry about it. That's my account. Nobody knows nothing. There's a code. There's a cold. And then people always say, well, drug dealers always get busted. They get busted because they lose their minds

because if they stay. You can't do the math. Yeah. The math is lethal now. The fucking math, that's the first thing that stands out. There's a movie called Empire. Yes.

Have you ever seen Empire with John Legu Zamoh? and the guy from naughty by nature and see if it's on there. Empire. There's a kid on there. He's half Puerto Rican, half Italian. He lives on Hollywood Boulevard next to the Jew stand. We used to do the juice stand. What's the juice stand?

The fucking juice stand that you took ball or two. Juice. Juice with the fucking chicken salad sandwiches. He thought it was a juice stand. I was like, what is the juice thing? On the honey, wheat bread. It's a delicious juice. It's the healthiest fuck there.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. On Hollywood Boulevard is there. They were around the court. When I moved here in 97, they were on fucking vine. In a parking lock that was growing grass on it. And it would be packed every day. And you would see the headshots of all these actors that would go there.

But then they got evicted. Now they got gorgeous hotels there. They fucking sold for, they made big money. That chick is smart. She's from Guatemala, one of those third world countries where there's a dictator. There's a dictator in all those countries down there shooting people. I love coming here because I'm in this. It reminds me of being at home.

Like my... I go to Empire. That's it right there. That's right to me. The Empire official trailer. Go down. This is our fucking... Right there.

It's a... It's a C-movie at best. But it was good. It had his moments. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, yeah. These guys sold... Coke in Spanish Harlem, which

everybody did. But there's a scene where he parks a $70,000 car in the fucking neighborhood. Got to play it, Lee. What's going on with here? I thought you were explaining it. The thing got stuck. No, no, it's really weird. I'll never forget going. It's what life is all about.

Getting it, losing it, needing it, needing it, living it, and dying for it. What's what the American dream is about? I got me a $40,000 truck I parked in one of the poorest neighborhoods in the country, but no one touches it. Why? respect my name is victo rosa i'm young latin and good-looking on the streets of new york that guy with the white jacket used to drink juice there build an empire oh these diamonds they're

huge what does his boyfriend of yours do he's um he's in business but uptown is another world defined by power and privilege hey it's your place huh so what do you do i'm an investment banker What do you do? Well, obviously, whatever it is that I do, I'm not doing enough of. That's for damn sure. He could be a part of this, too. If you're going to do this, go in knowing that he's not smarter than you. I got this investment opportunity and I can make enough money to get out of it now.

Get out of what, man? See this here, man? All this right here is family. You understand? I need to diversify. It's this white guy, the hottest cat, amorphi. God, I didn't know you're going to bring it to me all. This is on once a month on BET.

You do your part. Sure thing? If you know about 11 o'clock, this movie will be on. The guy robs his Guitous. He takes the Colombians' Guitous and he invest it. The guy double-crosses him. You saying Jack did this to you? Who come in our fair?

I know he's at me. Bad Joe. Big Joe when he was fat Joe. What mistake is? You think you're too smart. Why don't you go back here? I got to go to war more. I'm never going to die.

Only thing I fear that I'm never going to fly. I'm telling you guys, not a bad movie. No Academy Award, no Academy Award performances. But if you ain't got a dick to do, and you like Denise Richards, now they shoot. If you go back, go back a little bit. I'm going to tell you guys a true fucking story, all right?

I'm going to tell you guys, I'm going to drop some knowledge on you right here. Right there, go right there a little bit. When they're in front of their bodega, slow it up right there. He's right there. He's right there. And I'll tell you when to stop it. Okay.

Keep going. I know you got a moment here. Right there. Yeah. You see that scene right there? That's in front of a bodega in Miami. It's about three blocks away from Paradise Point. Paradise Point is a hotel where you go to.

It's not fancy. You stay off in South Beach, right, where South Beach starts. And each room is different. They have like the moon room, the Latin room, the con-ciss-the-door room. If you want the school room, got bunk beds, so you and your girlfriend can have bunk beds like two fucking momos. When you're there, this is the bodega

you go to get. Now, I wish you could see the front of this. They're not going to show it to you in the trailer. But when you see the, right there, when you see the right there, when you see the front of that, it's a micro scene. Don't worry about it. That place right there, if I'm stuck and I can't get the Porta Saga, I go in there and I see what they got on the lunch menu. If they got something simple like Piccadilla with right rice

or pork chops with right rice and black beans, I buy the food by the pound. Oh, yeah. And it's fucking tremendous. You know how many times I've been in that bodega? As soon as I saw this scene, I knew exactly where they was. And when I went back to Paradise Point, I walked over there and they have pictures like,

because I'm on the wall. I didn't even have to ask. I didn't even have to ask. I love Puerto Sahuanas. That's my restaurant. I've been going there since I was a kid. That's a badass restaurant. And it's not expensive.

No, that's the beauty of the fucking patois. And the food is. I've had people go down there and go, Joey, I went to Gloria Stephan's restaurant. Larios. $160. And it was, ugh, you should have called. You should have called. I know dumps that.

You look like that. You get to pick a deal with some fried bananas in a fucking coconut water, and you'll sit there and go, Jesus Christ, I just spent $4 for lunch, and it's delicious. Some woman in the back with no green card. They smuggled her in on the ship via machine gun to work there for the rest of her life because she was one of the best chefs in Cuba. That's the type of shit you got back there. Wow.

That's good. It's really weird to fucking understand, but it's a different world. And it happens here in California. Some guy owned a restaurant in Mexico, the best restaurant. He's known for his carneasada. What are you going to leave him in Mexico to Rotter Debt and get shot by El Chapo? Fuck no. You're going to put him on a truck underneath the truck as a carrot.

Dress him up as a carrot and put him underneath the truck for Halloween. And smuggle him in and fucking open up a little bodega stand and let him. people know what time it really is. Put him as a carrot. What do you dress mom as a carrot? He's going to be a six foot carrot? Listen. Six foot.

A thousand loads go through that a week. You get grandpa, the chef, you wrap him up as a carrot, and you put him in a shipment of 10 kilos of coke. If you're going to go to jail, go to jail. Why fuck around with some dude that dresses a carrot? There's just a five-foot carrot, and then there's a big shipment of cocaine.

Fuck it. I don't know what happened. I don't know nothing. Somebody paid me. when I take the car over the border when you meet him. At 7-11 in New Jersey. I don't fucking know. You just tell them what you need to do. You can take this down there.

Okay. I love that. You got me over here staring at them. What's up? No. I said, I love that John Lergozamo has a leather jacket on in Miami. Oh, yeah, yeah. I have to be melting. You know, there's times you go to Miami, Doug. You get off that fucking plane and the humidity just in the mornings. The dew in the morning.

Oh, yeah. That's the only thing I like about Miami, waking up early, going outside, and listening to a sprinkler. Yep. All over. And smelling the water hitting the grass and just sitting out there with your cup of coffee and breathing that in. That fucking air, tremendous. It's beautiful. And there's nothing like a warm summer night in Miami.

Until a lizard comes or a firefight. And then you got to run out of there. And the lizards are like this. You don't like those little small lizards, Joe? When I went to Tampa, it took me about three hours to sleep. That was all right. I'm an adult now. When I was a child, they fucking scared me.

They were Godzilla's cousins. You know what? I used to hang them on my earlobes when I was little. Yeah, they used to bite, and I used to hang them on the, me and my brother. Yeah, I used to put them in the Coca-Cola bottles with the bugs and watch them eat that. I was a savage, though, when I was little, my dad used to be, oh, yes, I'm a bad. findro because I would be outside. Like, I wasn't scared

of anything. It was different time. I told you to start with my daughter jumping into the pool and burn Christ's house. Right. Yeah, yeah. During the party the other day, like she, you know, I have that problem. She's not scared?

Never. That's great. Every once in a while something, if she's tired or something, she asks weird. I took it for this movie last night, this Cocoa day. My agent called. He goes, hey, man, I got to read this call here.

You're not going to believe this. I got a call from Disney, Pixar. They want to know, because your name is Coco, if you're interested in going to the movie, with your family, of course, they'll pick you up. You have to go play a game and then watch the movie, do an interview, and then there's a party afterward. Do you think you want to go there? And I go, is it in Hollywood?

They go, it's downtown. The baby gets causing. So my wife would just happen to me. We were walking by, and the email came up. Like, hey, what do you think? And she goes, yeah, I think she liked it. She's ready. I took it for the movies three times.

She lasted 20 minutes on each movie. We got to go. I don't like this, Daddy. So I don't want that to happen. At the Disney. You know what's there? No, she put the 3D glasses on, like a soldier, and watched the whole thing.

like she owned the joint. And the movie was fucking tremendous. Listen, those Pixar movies. Oh, they're way better than what people are doing anymore. Way better. They spend actual time working on them. Well, they spend time and money, but they get it back 10 times over. Yeah, they're going to be able.

Like, if they already broke a record in Mexico, they're already going to head to the cash registers in the United States. That's right. On the fucking Sunday. I can't wait to see it, though. I heard it was really good. Well, I cried. I laughed.

Oh, wow. I cried from watching her. and I cried on the plot of the story because it was just brilliantly done, you know? Yeah, I can't wait to see it. Then we went to the party upstairs and they gave away dolls and stuff. You know, you took pictures.

I took pictures of her in front of the thing. I took pictures of me and her wife. Everybody had a good time. Oh, nice. Then you called the number and a car came and got you. And he took us home in 20 minutes. That was it. We were home by 9.30.

Everybody's happy. be one of those a fucking family. Man, I should have let more people know that Coco was my stripper name because I would have really like to have gone to that. Fuck yeah.

I need to get a nickname. I know. That's fucked up to them. I'm 54 years old and I've had that name since I was three. And he gave it to me maybe 10 weeks before my father died.

Coco. At Coco, because I was really white. And they would scratch to that and go, who the fuck is this white? kid. I'm thinking a year. You're thinking he like fucking coconut. And my mom and all her friends, Cocoa, and once I got

old and I sort of realized, why you motherfuckers call me Coco? My name is Jose. But then once I went to an American school, that Jose shit had to go. Once I went to PS166 in front of all those New York City kids, that Jose had a go, Jack. There was only one other Spanish kid in the class.

was Debbie Dominguez, and she was banging in kindergarten. Banging, didn't understand me? Not fucking banging, like she was beautiful. By the first grade, she showed me a tit one time, and a 45. You know those singles, the little ones? She's putting on her tit, he showed me a nipple for a quarter. Under the fucking monkey bars, tremendous. And she had five brothers that were gorillas, but I didn't give a fuck for a quarter.

I'll take a look at your titi. It was no big deal. So is that when Jose became Joey, or did he just go by Coco? No. I went to my mill name. My middle name is Antonium. Oh, shit. Okay.

So I was Antonio. So I cut out to Jose and I went to Tony. What the fucking thing in the element? Tony. So for years, I was just Tony. And I even had a ring. Gold ring, my mother got me. That said, Tony.

So you have aliases now. What are you talking about you? So when did Joey come into this? Joey came back in 1985. Oh, my God. And Coco is a family name. So Tony lasted maybe to the third grade. This is the first I've heard of Tony.

What are you talking about? Yes, everybody called me Tony. Tony, Tony. My mother called me Hosentonio. If she was mad, if things were good, she'd call me Coco. And I would be embarrassed for her to call me Coco. So she called me Coco in front of people. I wouldn't react to her.

I would make believe. I didn't know what she was talking about. I didn't want to be named Coco. But when I went to Jersey, my friends heard enough that they just started calling me Coco. There was no getting around, and I got pissed off. But it was better than them saying, Jose Antonio Diaz. I thought a guitar player was going to burst through the fucking door.

It was about survival. And it was crazy. I remember people who knew me. Kids I knew. We take a class together in high school. Junior year and all of some they go, Jose Antonio Diaz, and I raised my hand and they were looking at me and go, I thought your name was Coco.

No, that's my nickname. That's not a fucking Coco. It's Jose Diaz for years. I love that name, though. See, I can say Jose Diaz, there's no matter. You put that in the NCIC, the computer blows up. It says, check back with us in the month and a half. Tony?

Yeah, because my name was Antonio. I get it, but this is like the, I feel like this is a big moment. It is a big moment. You just found out about Tony. For who? Who's Tony? I feel you don't know Tony. So when I went to Catholic school, Tony was Tony for a while.

But again, my mother ratted me out of when I made my community in the fourth grade. So I went back to Coco. But the time I got out in the fifth grade, it was straight up Coco. By the time I went to McKinley, it was still Tony. But she called me Coco, and Coco overtook the Tony, and I just threw away the fucking ring. It just was never going to work. But by that time, my English was good.

Yeah. Do you understand I'm trying to say to you guys, so my English was good. I didn't want to show up. First day of school in New York City sound like Ricky Ricardo. And fucking, my name is Jose Diaz. And probably that's why I did sound like the, but I watched so much TV. And I said everything Dick Van Dyke said 10 times.

And Dick Van Dyke said, honey, where's the towels? Honey, where's the towels? Honey, where's the towels? Honey, where's the towels? You know, I would just work on the English accent, the American accent, New York accent. Because my mom always said,

you don't want to let people think that you're just fucking Spanis. Let them know you're residilio. Bessi thousands, you know, that you're versatile. So that's why I always thought. And she always thought I was important that I spoke English outside the house and Spanish inside the house. Yeah, that's how we grew up. To keep both languages alive, which I believe in, you know. Yeah.

I got a daughter now that she understands Spanish. She won't fucking say it. I got to hold a knife to her throat. She's too young for that. I got to weigh eight years. You know what? Yeah, my dad is Cuban, too. There was no English in the house.

You would say something in English. She said, what you did you say something in English? Dimmel in Spanish. And if you, I would tell, I would work my mom in English. And she'd go, I don't understand what you're saying. Yep. Talk to me in Spanish. And I go, that's never going to happen.

And she goes, yes, it would. Two days to know when you need money, you'll come begging me in Spanish. And she was correct. And show up and go, let me get a $20 bill. I don't know what you're saying. And I finally had to break down and speak Spanish. But that's one thing I respect a lot about, Cubans, very, very adamant about the kids learning how to speak Spanish, how to speak Spanish and to continue to speak Spanish.

Because you do learn English in school. We couldn't. And my dad still doesn't speak English. The other day, he was talking about transgender people. He called them trans unions. He said, oh, yeah, the transunion is so. You know, old Cuban man. This is transunion.

And I was like, Papa, you mean transgender? And I, I don't call him, Papa. I call him Orlando. But he's so funny, he said, Don't call me, they called me Eduardo. No. The trañuinen eto is it's crazy because I didn't have a Cuban grandfather.

I had a Cuban grandmother, but we were estranged. We just didn't talk. But, yes, I sound Italian. Yes, I'm from New Jersey. Right. I'll tell you something. The Cuban old man mentality

still exist in me. Oh, yeah, when I talk to you sometime. It really, and it scares me. I have to hide it. I have to keep those views to myself and I will. Those type of views, they keep to myself. Yeah. And those are the views I don't discuss because those are the views that cause wars.

You know what I'm saying? They're just really bad views. Those old-time Cubans, they specialize in argument. Yes. They do. And that's why they have. those beliefs. Your dad was telling me about in Cuba,

if you have to go to the embassy, you can buy a license for arguing, and you go to the park and argue, a license is $5. Now you can actually go to the park and argue with people $5.00. Most of the arguments are about baseball. But at all those parties,

all those, you know, family parties, that's where those arguments come to, those, that's what I think I go crazy at funerals. Because all those years, I went to those funerals, that's where it erupts. What do you mean erupts? Like, this is how stupid humans are. Let's say Ida is my sister. We both got the same mother and same father.

Ida said then blow a little. And I've been raising that kid since he was fucking full. That's a brother-meo. Yeah. You know, Cuban men will do that. Me is being Ida's brother, who I love, we love each other. We're tired as fucked. But guess what, dog?

Guess who watches Ida's son when she goes to New York to do Cam. With me? And never la pasa. Yeah, that's her, me neither. You gave him beer one time. Pinga, he's 16. He's going to drink it with you. He's going to drink it with some bums on the street.

Or he's going to drink it with his uncle Joey. Did you smoke pot with him? Never. Oh, Poppy, did he ever smoke pot with you? And the kid smoked pot with me ten times. You know what I'm saying? I got his back. I hooked him up.

I let him fuck a chick in my house already, and I went. But you don't need to know that, mom. That's it. So now you want to do what? You want to go to the Bronx and do what? Comedy and take him from me. Binga, this is my son? Yeah.

Binga, that's the mentality of a Cuban man. They will argue with this poor girl about her son and where he's staying. But meanwhile, I'm her brother. I have no right to say nothing to it. And guess what? She knows I'm probably right. Yeah, absolutely. She'll sit there and go, this motherfucker got my fuck because he has.

So all those years, Cuban men are a different tone. I have to fight that emotion on a daily basis. So were they causing too much of a disruption on the Cuban street or something? Why do they have this $5 license now? Because they want them to go into the park. And there's a problem. They got your fingerprints and shit probably to argue. Yep.

to argue. I can argue, not argue, but there's mornings when I call you Lee and you hang up the phone and you got to go, I'm not sure about Joey anymore. So wait, so you're the mild version of your people. I'm already watered down because over the years, I had to water myself down because I would not be accepted for sure. I wouldn't survive. I'm already insecure about who I am.

never mind having that stigma around you the things that come out of those men's mouths he's watered down for a Cuban old man but he's not watered down as a person he's full blown but to be with a Cuban like some of the things that my father would say I could never repeat if I'm married to Ireland right now right we've been together eight years we have a three year old

And Ida and the baby's in the room And I can be in the best mood ever Watching TV And Ida walks in Miami with that blouse on That's in the old school That's a kick to the fucking mount Ida do me a favor Go put a sweater on

Yep Why? Because that's how they are They're very good Yeah You can't You're not my wife Going out with that shirt on

Yep You're not my wife No no no no no no no I don't know who raised you Oh see that's true That's true. I don't know what mother raised you, but that's right. Your mother was divorced eight times.

It's a kind of, and it's an honesty that you know, I don't have to tell us, we used to have to take a bath every night before we went to sleep and when we woke up in the morning. Me too. See, I'm by that rule too. And then my, you know, we would be like, well, why we got to do that? And he'll be like, because boi or you suda in the middle of the night. And here is that you la voce cullo.

your pussy sweats in the middle of the night. And in my house, you have to have the clean ass. Because I don't want no dirty-ass girls living in my fucking house. Why? Because I said so. That's why. Yes. Oh, my God. No, it's a fucking, like, I look at Mercy already. And last night, we went to, took it to the cocoa.

So the deal was complete. The deal was set a week ago. And we'd make a deal with her a week ago. And last night in the car, on the way home, she goes, oh, by the way, am I still sleeping with you guys today? And me and my wife just looked at each other like, wow. Holy fuck. She remembers some bullshit deal we made a week ago.

We got home, sure enough. She got a little pajamas on. You know, I stay out there for about an hour, so they both fall asleep. I go in and I sleep like a baby, get around 6. I get up, smoke some pots, some coffee, nicotine gum. I feed the cats. I talk to my wife. My wife goes, she needs to get up pretty early.

She needs to get up some. So I said, let me go back to bed and watch her get up. So I sat there, and every 10 minutes went by, 15, I heard some movement. I saw her pull the blankets down, looked to her mother's side, looked to my side. She looked around the room. She, like, took her breath, like, ah. Also, she put the blankets over ahead.

She flipped over, she went back to bed, right? It's okay. So I gave it to 8 a.m. And I reached my hand under the sheet, and I started tickling the side. Usually she tickles and giggles. She took my hand and just threw it off her. That was it, slid over.

Like, listen, don't fucking bother me. I'm sleeping dark. And right there, I knew, like, those little nuances tells you, you're not going to be able to fuck with her. Because she knows I'm next to her. She knows that's ain't the boogeyman. but she already took my hand, crushed it. Like last night, the same thing in the middle of the night,

I felt the kicking me. So I tried to push her leg away, and she put a leg right there. In her psyche, she argued with me. She was kicking me, and I move her foot. So far as I started tick on her foot. I grabbed the bottom of her foot and started kicking that little fucking flat foot,

that little sledge of rock that she has for a foot, and finally she moved it away. She moved it, she shook it. And I remember this morning, that's right, in the middle of that, had to take off a fucking foot and we fought for a fucking hour. So she's going to be fire already. Yeah.

It doesn't take a genius to see that. Like I said, we went to Burt crisis the other name. Bert jumped in the pool. When I heard Burt jump in the pool, I was watching the football. I was involved and I was having a good time with the guys. Right. But something told me my daughter would jump in that pool. You follow him, Santhia?

Yep. She loves to swim. It's nighttime. She knows Bert. She's comfortable there. Once the older kids started jumping in, I knew she's going to jump in.

I saw her come over, kick her shoes off. She ran over, she looked. She goes, no, no, no, no, I can't add it. He'll go in. What are you going to go in?

She went over again, look then. No, no, no, no. Then she went in and looked. She came back. She pulled the ring off. A little plastic ring with a gem on it.

And she jumped. into the deep end. I looked at my wife. I go, what I tell you? You don't need a swami. I already know what's in those jeans. Yep. I already know.

You don't need a book. I already see little things, and little things become big things. She always has to wear a dress. She always, she's an only child, so she sits herself in that room. I check on her every 15 minutes and make sure she's not blowing up the house.

but she's back there playing with Barbie dolls Hot wheels Oh that's dope She plays with both She has the hot wheels set up She has the Barbie dolls She has the tent And she's got like a little thing

With two kens I got her And a couple of Barbie dolls Thank you for the dolls lately Got us some great dolls She changed the outfits on them Okay Tremendous Yeah yeah yeah

You know so you go back there And I'll sit I go can I say I knock on the door she's four and a half I already knock on the door guys I knock on the door and I ask her my head committed

and she'll go you could and then I go can I sit on your bed and talk to you for a while and I'll sit there and I'll ask her can I play with you and she'll not really hilarious and I'll sit there like a fucking bump on a log ask a question for five minutes

she'll fuck with me but she won't let me fuck with her daddy can you leave them Okay. And I walk out. Then I go in the living room, and then I go in the living room. And then 15 minutes, my wife goes in there. And three minutes later, my wife would come on and go, she drew me out there.

Don't feel too bad. That's so funny. It's a real adventure having a child, but there's people who look at their child. I don't know. I look at her, and I really know what to expect. Like I'm selling this show a thousand times. She did that a couple years? ago. I know when I gave my

mother, I found the sore spot in my mother's heart, her cooking. My mom could cook, but she didn't cook shit I liked. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like, she would cook the deep Cuban shit. I wasn't ready for a deep Cuban shit at five. Gene Bumble. Yeah,

all that shit. So I had delivery number chicken delight. So I knew how to order chicken delight. In those days, it was like $4 for three pieces of chicken, crinkle cut french fries, a little thing of jelly. Chachua with a bun, Chachu.

And I get a soda called Tahitian treat. I talked about this before. You're too young for a way. Tahitian treat is the East Coast drink. East Coast drink. Delicious. It's like fruit punch,

but it has a little kick. Yeah, it's a high, but what happened to fucking high C? I think it's still there, isn't it? Like three labels. When I was a kid that had 92 fucking flavors, Jack. Yeah. What was that?

Now it's just, now it's, that you? No, I think that was you. That was you. That was the second time he did that. What did you for dinner? A stick of dynamite or something? Those candles still burning? Yeah, I think so.

It smells good in there. We got boxes of candles. A boy sent us a box of candles to there, but he's like, I got a substitute candles moving on, I'll put your candles up soon. Merry Christmas, cock sucker. What kind of? candle is it? Some girl came to visit us last week.

It says it on the bottom of the cap. Smell it. What's the smell? It smells good. It smells like, that smells like some fruit. I think it's something vanilla, caramel. Here? Yeah. Whatever. No, there is caramel in there. It's sweet vanilla cream. Oh, wow. It has black sunset.

Her coach you gave us that, say? Burnt toffee. Burnt toffee. It smells good, though. It smells edible. That's the right word. I don't say that word around me. I don't know nothing. I don't know where you've been.

I don't know what you ate. I don't want to know. You were here in your left. You just made me want some crinkle fries just now. Cringle cut fries? Yeah. Those crinkle cut fries are delicious. But I went home last week.

I love abuse for myself. On Friday night, I did both shows. My brother picked me up. And he goes, what do you want to do? I had a salad at 6 o'clock. at night. I did two shows. That was it. Oh, wow. I got a salad and like three or four muscles of mariner.

I don't know. It was it. Oh, delicious. At Rudy's and I said, you know what? I'm fucking starving. So I went over to a diner that I had basically grown up at. They redidded it, you know. First off, it's Friday at 1 o'clock, and there was two tables

and the place is haunted. There wasn't a soul in there. Let me tell you something. 30 years ago, Friday on, there was a line down the steps, 10 minute wait, and you walked in, you got a milkshake right off the bat, let me get a milkshake dog, right off

the bat, let me get vanilla, chocolate, two, what do you want, Lee, two chocolate, two chocolates, some vanilla and a strawberry. And when you come back, you're putting your hamburger deluxe, or your hamburger deluxe, or cheeseburger deluxe, which is the fucking cheeseburger, the French fries, with the mozzarella on top, and a little gravy.

Do you have to get the the gravy? That's the whole buto. Really? I've never been a gravy. And what you do is you get the fork and you cut

it into the french fry and the gravy seeps in into that French fry but very lightly not like a fucking French fry stew. Do you know what I feel you? Just very lightly

around the fry to give it that flavor. So every time you take a bite of the thing and you eat it a bite of the pickle all together like a fucking motherfucker. Are you putting gravy on the burger? You could dip it in the gravy if you want. I don't want to.

Gravy on the side. But you think about it. I'd have to put the fries on a different plate. Listen, you're the captain cook of the enterprise. You do whatever the fuck you want. I'm just telling you what happened. But this motherfucker didn't put the gravy on top of the french fries. You put the gravy over the french fries, and he put the mozzarella on top of it.

And DiBos Fio, he slipped. So now when you bit in, the thing squirt outward, because it was like a fucking French fries. gravy pie. I don't like it like that. I like the gravy on top. You fucking bake the cheese. You burn the cheese crispy. And then you throw the fucking gravy on top of that. I'm going to have to get behind the kitchen and teach these motherfuckers how it's done, Lee, Syed. You follow me? You can't. You can open up a diner. I know I can. But one am I going to find time in between what? Two in the morning and four in the morning. I'm trying to get my beauty sleep. Look at me now. I'm living on seven fucking hours of sleep. I need 15.

in my age right now. Getting beat up. How are you getting, Aida? I've been getting six at most. What time you go to bed? One? Yeah. If I'm working, it depends. And you wake up at seven.

Yeah, I wake up six, seven. If I'm in New York, though, I work till late because I'll do four or five sets a night. I'm sorry. It's okay. The edibles make you do that sometimes. With edibles.

I don't know what you're talking about. Did you eat these stars? Yeah. I have to eat at least five stars. I'm okay. How many have you eaten? We had two and a half cushy punch each. That's nothing.

That's an appetizer. No, it's not. He knows that. No, it's not. I told them once that I ate two cushy punch, and they looked at me like I was a crazy person. Who? At Sunset Herbal.

Oh, they know you're a savage. They know now. But they didn't know. Excuse me. you need to dehydrate when you eat edibles I'm trying that's the most important thing what else has been going on in your life

Aida movies TV talk to us let us know tell us what the fuck well I just I'm taping that HBO thing tomorrow okay that's a stand-up thing yeah it's a stand-up thing How many minutes you gotta do

12 clean? No you can do whatever you want yeah all right and I'm on this tour it's called the Every Woman tour

where April Macy and Shantay Wands we start in December well they start tomorrow but I'm taping tomorrow so I join them in December How many cities? So far we just started

They just started we got I think five cities already So You're going on the bus No Like three savages Yeah that would be dope though We're looking forward to get into that point

We want to get to the point where we get on the bus And you know I got some TV stuff coming out at the beginning and I'm working. Writing. I sit down and write a TV show with you. When does the tour start in how many cities? Five you said.

Yeah, we already got. They're still, they just started. Yeah. So we start, we go to Fort Lauderdale, December 7th, which I'm excited about because I get to go home to Miami. So you guys are doing the improvs, a couple of impros? No, we're doing performing art centers. Okay. Yeah.

How many seats? They're four or five. 100. Good for you guys. Good for you guys. Now, Shantae, she's the girl that hangs on her flappers a lot. Yeah. She's cool as fuck.

She cleaned the life up. Yes. She's one of the way and sisters. Yeah. I love her, man. She has a girlfriend. Yeah. Yes, I met her before.

She usually hosts when I go down there. And she's very sweet. And she told me his story one night that she was all fucked up. Yeah. Her brother's helped her and her cousins and they took her on the road with her. And if you see her on stage, there's something there. Yeah. She's going to need a couple tours,

but you're going to hear about that girl. In about five years, you're going to know who the fuck she is seriously. Yeah, she's really honest. And then April, April's been doing that. April's a fucking veteran of debt. Yeah. April's been on Howard Stern. She's been around since fucking I was here,

tormenting comedians, you know what I'm saying? The looks and... Yeah. It's on Diallo Budo. Yeah. I love that girl, man. That girl got my back. She is solid.

And she goes out. She also stopped giving a fuck. You know, you said something earlier that to be in this business as a woman, if my daughter, my niece came to me and they said, listen, no, I've been fucking doing stand-up for four years of an alias. I didn't want you to know. You know, I've been, you know, whatever the fuck. It's what you said.

It's, for a woman is, you've got to be crazy. you have to be ready to attack back in this business. You have to be fearless. You know, I told Lee this story one time. It was the weirdest day. Me and Lee were talking about something, and I told him a story about a girl I met who lived in Chicago.

Nothing sexual happened between her. She was a waitress, and we used to always talk, and she knew I did a few movies, and one day she asked me, she goes, What happened after you did a movie? Did you become a star right away? And I go first off from another store, I'm working here at your club in South Chicago.

You know, they're about to throw bottles at me every night. I'm no fucking star. It's no joke. So what happened with this girl was she sold real estate and she put a little money away. And Ada, you know those people that you talk to pull them aside And you go, can I talk to you on the personal level? I've been here for 15 years.

I've been dogging an hour of bohoon asshole. You know what I'm saying? Like I've been with shitty agents, no management, looking at breakdowns every day, dropping off envelopes, you know, calling casting people, telling them who the fuck I am. You know what kind of life that is? So when I've been doing this for 15 years,

do me a fucking favor. When you come to me for advice, don't fuck around. Come to me, tell me the fucking truth. and we'll get together and we'll set your fucking plan up and we'll set a plan of attack Lee in my line to it no have we not sat here and set plan of attacks and we don't execute like a motherfucker we do we don't fuck around here I want to come here on plan it's pretty crazy right after this that's why it's hard to remember

it's pretty crazy how you have to set things up people do not realize what was the release date of look at the release date of Pretty Women And what's the movie with him and Andy Garcia March 23rd of 90 All right, well hold on, keep that right there Okay

What's the movie with him and Andy Garcia? Who? Who and Richard Gear? Richard Gear and Andy Garcia What movie was that? Not things are doing Denver when you're dead What movie was it? Internal Affairs

Internal Affairs. Yeah. What was the release date of Internal Affairs? Okay. Hold on. In January 12th, 1990. What came out first? That did by two months.

What did? Internal Affairs. Why do you think that came out that way? Have you watched Internal Affairs Lee? No. No, yeah. Why? When you have Orange is the New Purple and all those other dumb shit, you watch every night with the boss.

Internal Affairs is about a dirty. one of the dirtiest cops ever. He makes Harvey Weinstein, Lewis C.K., all of them look like a fucking sick fuck. Probably a year and a half when it came out. He has one of the Baldwin twins as his partner,

and he drives him crazy. He tries to turn on him. He shoots him. It's fucking crazy. Andy Garcia's Internal Affairs. He's hunting him down. At the end, He shoots him and he says, don't have kids. He had eight kids, this guy.

He was an L.A. cop that was dirty as fuck. But you had to see how he talked to one of it. Lee, he was like, I ain't doing anything. What's going on in your world? No, nothing. Just trying to put the pieces together. You look good. You're working out.

Yeah, I've been working out. Lately losing some pounds. Good. But you're busy right now? Not really. I was just going to go pick it. up the kids. Call your mom.

Tell him to go pick up the kids. Let's go fuck a little bit. I mean, he was cold. He loved Richard Gear and this. You left the, you know, he did American jiggle-o. That he did office and a gentleman. He was America's golden boy, Jack.

When he did office and a gentleman with Debringer, God damn, I got stuck on 181st Street. It was one of the afternoon. I'd be a worker five on 57 and second. there was a double feature for $2. I had like the small 25. I had a bag of weed.

I got a milkshake and carvel. And I learned like $2 and change and I could take the bus on the way home. I could always sneak up on a bus up there. So I had four hours to kill. I said, I didn't want to go see Officer and the Gentleman and American Jiggle. I was against my moral obligation.

But the wind off the Hudson River convinced me to go in there and sit there for four hours and get warm. And I watched that office and a gentleman. Let me tell you something. It blew my fucking mind. I worked with that director last year, Taylor Hackford. Yeah, Taylor.

I'm like, this dude is fucking real, Jack. That took Richard Gere to a different level in my world. I was like, fuck American jiggle up. Showing his ass trying to steal my girlfriend at the time at the movie theater. Why did you ask when the movies came out? Because he did. He was a genius. He came out as America's worst fucking cop.

You left that movie theater, hate. But... Richard, yeah. Right. But in two months, pretty women came up. Yeah. And now, people found love him. They forgot all about it in the town of his.

It was like a never fucking existence. So tell us the story you were telling us about the waitress, because you said she didn't tell... So the waitress, so, you know... I totally bullshit on the way down sometimes at Comedy Store. We talk about different scenarios, and I told Lee about a chick that was a waitress in Chicago and Marino. She came up to me with a story that she wanted to be an actress. So she took, there was shoot movies in Chicago,

and she took a job as an extra. But during the movie, she was the director liked her, and the actor liked her. I forget who the actor was, a black guy, Usher, one of the... And he pulled her and he made out with it during the movie. The whole thing legit, and they added it to the movie. They wrote in a couple lines. And at the premiere in LA, they told me they got an agent and live here.

So I'm at the comedy club and all this is going down. I knew about the movie. And there she is waitressing. And I go, congratulations. Like, yes, this is my last weekend here. I'm moving to LA. And I go, okay. And I go, where are you moving to you going to?

She goes, me and my boy. I forgot to cue this place. It's in da-da-da-da. Now, this is 15 fucking years ago. This bitch is like, we got a place awful worship for 2750 a month. Oh, okay. He's a waiter.

I have some money put away. And I go, why are you getting 2750 for a one bedroom? And she goes, I go, you guys can move to Hollywood. And she goes, well, no, Hollywood's dirty. She goes, we're going to move there. and we got a screening room and people come over to the house, that agent had twisted their head around either. Wow.

This poor girl told me how I was fucking up in my career. Why I was this shit? By this time, I had done some movies, and I was starting to get good auditions. My stand-up sucked dick like a done. No, I had nothing to do with that. I was more focused on the acting. I knew there was no opening for me as a stand-up.

And she's talked a bunch of shit, and I didn't see her again. I'm telling Lee about this, how I saw the decline off the bat. Like, I think I bumped into her once after. I got, how the audition's going, well, I met with this guy for lunch, and he's making a decision. Listen, fucking 12 years later, me and Lee go to Hollywood with the new comedy. At a bar, we park, we go in. I go, were you hungry?

Well, he goes, oh, we went, we went to the bar. Who did the bartender was? That fucking waitress. Oh, wow. Full second. Remember the story I told you about that broad? That was a genius. There she is.

And that's what she told me. Oh, great to see you. Oh, my God. Oh, I go, you're still here. She goes, yeah, me and my boyfriend broke up when I met this new guy. He's the head bartender here. And I love the assistant manager now. I go, you're acting?

She goes, not really. So it's so weird. This shit you get tricked into believing. She had a publicist. Wow. That's when they told you to have a, I told me, I told Lee, and I've told the people, I listen to this podcast,

that there's scams here. There's a 10% scam here that's called publicity. That it is like throwing fucking money away. How much do you think she was spending a month? Who? That woman, the bartender.

Like when she first moved here, would she spend in like $10,000 a month? $25,000 on publicity. What? $3,000 on publicity. Listen to sign with a good publicist, it starts at $4 to $5,000. Yeah.

That's who you just want to go to premieres. Like half those people I went to Coco last night. Mm-hmm. I got invited that because of my name. not because of stand-up, not because of the director like me. I could love to tell you that, but it's not the truth. They knew I had a child, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I guarantee there were people there that paid a publicist.

Yep. Like there was a bunch of kids taking pictures. Okay, now I'm not a fucking genius. Brand of those kids weren't in the movie. Okay, now what? There's two or three things that are going on there. A, either they're particular. potential Disney kids, and Disney's trying to promote them by putting them in little high shots or B, its moms with a dream.

Now, my wife pointed something out to me, and she's always my second voice. When I looked at it, I go, you're right. And she pointed a mom that was there for her son to be a celebrity. My wife said, look, when we sat down to eat, they were taking pictures in front of that thing. and when we got up to leave they were taking some pictures in front of that day. Let me tell you one of the biggest scams there is, the American Canada who's ever listening. You come here, you tell them you need a publicist.

There's publicists that'll get you all those parties, Lee. You want to go to those parties, Lee? I'll get you all those middle-level parties, and guess what? I got a secret for you. What's that?

If there were anybody, they wouldn't be there anyway. Yep. my first couple years here I used to feel bad that I wasn't invited to like the Grammys It's a big night here for some reason like those award shows Getting invited to those and going to the parties I've never been to one Yeah you see me sitting here every year doing the Grammys

Wish I got invited I don't give a Frenchman fuck I don't care anymore but Alright that's number one number two what am I going to tell them what am I going to do that When I want to go to the show To hang out at one of the parties to talk to who Eventually somebody's going to what do you do I'm a stand-up comment at the comedy store, really?

Why the fuck are you here? It's that simple. Yep. Unless you want to be embarrassed. So there's some publicist that'll pay you Lee, you'll pay them, and you go, yeah,

I want to promote my podcast, and they'll take you $3,000. And guess what, brother, you go to parties like that one last night, which is nothing wrong with. I'm not saying anything bad, but in your mind. But did you smooth people?

Did you go make connections? Three people talk to me. Hi, Hawaii. Talk to the head of whatever. Oh, cool. Shit like that. But it's not, I didn't leave there going home going. He's going to put me in his next movie.

Right. Now, is it, like, I don't know, I don't know the protocol. Could you, like, let's say I hired a publicist. Like, let's say my goal was to go to the next Star Wars opening and meet fucking the head of Disney and give him my script. Can I do that at whatever the thing or no? Oh, my God. if you're that much you're a pute

I don't know what the rules are I don't do that stuff at one of those things you just have to think about who you're giving this script to and the situation I want you to think on what you do

I want you to tell you what happens to me last week I meet my friends at a bar and one of them gives me a box the size of this fucking table take this home for your baby I sat there for 10 minutes and I thought about the truth

The truth of the matter is I was gonna take it back to the hotel maybe Maybe Sometimes I forget that shit I don't look back Maybe And then I was gonna ship it I don't know

I don't fucking know But in my heart I was not taking that in my luggage And eventually I called the road When I told the truth You have to send this to me Really? I didn't even bring a winter jacket.

My luggage got everything. I didn't bring a fucking winter jacket, you know? But it's so weird when people give you stuff. People gave me great cards last week in New York. I don't know what the fuck happened to them. I always bring those cards home. I at least give them a shout out of something. Let me give some shout-outs here real quick because I give them all right.

I don't like so. No, I didn't get me. I'm getting old. You know what I'm saying? Top quality, Tony, Leon, my man, Vegas. over there in fucking Spain smacking people playing cars. He hired a driver, he said.

He hired a driver. Bob Lillinger's always thinking about you and your dad. God bless him. One by one podcast. Adam Hatchell, Lil' Runny Nose, John Wolf G., Gno, Jackabelli,

and the whole Bokken Police Department. And Benjamin Paul, don't forget, December 3rd, me and we La Walker, L.A. at the Novo, the fort at the observatory, San Diego, and the fifth at the observatory in Santa Ana. You want to plug any dates, beautiful? Yes, December 7th. We are, the Every Woman Tour is going to be in Fort Lauderdale. You can go to my website, funnyaida.com and get your tickets there.

And we're also going to Pennsylvania and Maryland on December 29th and 30th. And February, Valentine's Day weekend, I'm going to be at the Sacramento Punchline. So get your tickets because I usually have good shows there. So get your tickets. That's a great, great club. I love it. I think it's just perfect. Yeah.

It's just perfect. I like what the club is. I'm going to switch hotels this time. I'm going to go around the corner of this. And I like this out of town. They got red lobster road. I get to run with some black people. I got fucking the habit is across.

The mall's right there. The mall's right there. But they're not good food in there. The sushi place is good. Not on that side. On your side is good. On the side of the hotel, the sushi place is very good.

I will tell you that. And it's open until 2 in the morning. A lot of people don't know that. You can do the show and go and eat sushi. I didn't know it was open until 2, though. One or 2. Something like that. No matter.

You can still get sushi no matter what fucking night you get out of the stage. Go over and they get a little frilly road. They get a little stomping yard. You know what I'm saying? I had some really good sushi. Have you ever, have you guys ever been down to like that Japan town, Sautel Street?

I was down there. In Kansas City? No, it's in like in West LA. It's right off of 405. Your mom, I have a good time. Let's ask you that. Yeah, we had a great time. What was the highlight of the trip?

What was the highlight of the trip? My cousin came over where she cooked for. food. She cooked my favorite meal with brisket and lot of keys and green beans. And then we went to the observatory. That was nice. And then, yeah, we had a great time. So thank you.

You miss your mom? I try not to think about it, but then, yeah, when she's like, it's always tough at the airport. Not with her, but, like, just, yeah, I feel bad. Like, and then sometimes, I'm like, I could move, like, it's, uh, for a second, I was like,

Like I could move to Israel. It would be the flying Jew from Israel. Your mom lives in Israel? No, she lives in outside of Boston. Oh, okay. So, but yeah, no. It's always nice having her here. There's nothing like having a mom cook for you and just talk with you.

It's a, it's always nice. I don't do it. It's about a once a year thing right now. So it needs to make it a couple times a year, a few times year at least. We'll definitely be in Boston next year. Oh, she'll come to the Wilbur next time. She'll love it. I can eat Chinese food somewhere.

I was born in Boston. Oh, that M.G.H. or Brigham Young? Oh, yeah. I was, I think I was at a, forget. It doesn't matter. Tannen Farber or something. A lot of my Puerto Rican family still lives in Boston. A lot of Puerto Ricans. In And Dover? Yeah.

Well, my family's in Roxbury. Something like that. Yeah, there's something like that in And then you grew up in Miami for a while. Yeah, Miami in New York. And you're really trying to write this sitcom. Yes. I started. I got to show you my Bible.

I wrote a show Bible, but I wanted to be real. If I don't, if I can't, that's the thing about me that you have always reinforced that is if I can't be me and I can't be real, I don't want to do it. Well, here's the deal. You go to a network. They propose you a deal. If it's a mediocre network, they're going to want to add something for their flavor. You're going to add it in mildly. And whatever they tell you, they don't like about your dream.

you're going to do something different. Do a sidebar to distract them. When the show's number one, then you throw them out of the room like Roseanne Ball. Yeah, so she told me. You're following me. They don't know the formula, and we do. We've been doing it for 15 years longer than we do than they are.

They went to a college. They worked themselves as up as assistant. I have a lot of respect for that. But I also know how to put a show into segments. And when this show should have laughs. And when it shouldn't, it should be serious. You know, there's different parts in the set that. And that's when they couldn't figure out

how to translate it on to television or film, you know. And Roseanne's a bad bitch. She was a pioneer of sorts, you know, in a lot of ways. She told me that she would support me. She's like, in whatever way I can help you, I will. She's very, been real supportive of me. But she's doing Roseanne right now. Yeah.

No, no, no, no. They're trying to do anything to the same TV right now. I think it's a bit too late. I think, you know, everybody likes narcos. We want to see about drug money and what happened to Noriega and Chappos next season and what happens in Mexico. So, you know, Netflix is winning not because it's $899 a month. Netflix is winning because of all the content they're giving you for $899 every month.

It's amazing. From documentaries to TV. shows to stand-up specials, you know, it's a great deal. You cannot get mad at them. You know, I don't know if they sell packages. You're the king of all. What do you mean? You know, get NFL and they don't. Yeah, but I would imagine they might start the, who knows? They don't right now. Yeah, they've become a network. The only thing that scares me with them and I don't even, they're doing great. So this is, this is just from an article that I read. That's, But they're like $4 billion in debt or something because of all the production they're doing.

But, I mean, they're obviously getting, they have millions of subscribers paying $10 a month, whatever it is. So they're doing fine, but it's just seeing that number was crazy. Yeah, they don't seem worried. No, no, they don't. If you want to sell your special on Netflix, I don't just talking Spanish. A little bit of Spanish. And they'll sell it because they do great with the Spanish market. I've watched three Spanish shows.

Narcos, Celia, and fucking Hota, Hota, Paulo Escobar's hitman. 60 episodes between the plane rides the last three or four weeks, four out of the last six out of last seven weeks. I watched four episodes, two episodes there, one episode back, three episodes there, one episode back, one in the hotel room. and they were very interesting and like the chances they took with the topics they took

Netflix is very good and even if they raise their prices to 99 listen it's a dollar more that you spend a dollar less you spend on shit for the programming you get not to mention the shit that they have on from time to time

from sons of anarchy the fucking this to that to that and Stranger Things and Ozark Ozark is good about the money laundry. Yeah, they got some good shows that I like. And movies and documentaries. They got the best documentaries.

You got caught up. Next thing you know, you think the planet's fucking flat. What do you got planned for New Year's? Thanksgiving, my brother. I'm not sure yet. We'll find out. You're making a turkey. You're going to the wife's house and having the chicken.

To be honest, I just found out like yesterday that was Thanksgiving next week. week. So I'm not sure yet what the plan is. You're going to make your own turkey? Then you make your own turkey last year? Yes, I did. I think I might do that again. We'll see. And what do you got plan for Thanksgiving? I'm cooking. I'm cooking at home. You're at the house here? Yeah. You know, those turkeys, they call them the turkeys that are Cuban-style. They taste like a ham or that's what we do. I season the turkey like my grandmother taught me. I make arrocon gandule. I make all the authentic. food. I'll make some American stuff, but I always cook for Thanksgiving.

And you're always busy. You always seem like you're writing, so. Yeah, I stay busy. What are you thankful for this year at Thanksgiving? I'm thankful for my family. I'm really thankful for my family. I'm thankful. I have a new niece and a new nephew. And they just brought back, brought our family back to life because, you know, my grandmother died a few years ago, and then my uncle got murdered in Miami. So I'm just thankful for those babies. And you know what? I'm thankful that I get to do what I love to do. Right. Ain't it fucked up? Every day. You ever got on a plane and go, how fucked up is this? I get to go to the plane.

I just had a cheeseburger with a neck on it in the American terminal and I'm getting on the plane at 11 o'clock to go to Chicago. To tell jokes. I'm going to go meet my friend from college and meet her for a drink or two. And then tomorrow night I got two shows and so on and so forth. Yeah, I feel the same. And you know what I am also thankful, there are a lot of people who don't who don't fuck with me and but the ones that do they fuck with me heavy and I'm really thankful for that because there have been some people

who have really made things happen for me and I feel very they understand me they don't want to change me and I'm thankful for that. How about you really? What do you think for times of it? I'm thankful for everyone and myself was healthy. I'm

thankful that this podcast I'm going to go to therapy this year thankful for my friends and yeah that's it what about you what am I thankful for my wife my daughter

for the people listen to the podcast I'm thankful people come to the shows I'm thankful for my cats I'm thankful for Lee you know I'm thankful for you guys before the podcast started we're talking about energies and people that come in and out of your life

and sometimes they step away and you go, you know what, life's been different. Since that kiss of death has been around. He came around for six years, my cat died, my brother went to jail, my house burned down. You know, sometimes you feel guilty about people that, I don't know,

I'm just thankful, man. I get up every morning. You know what I'm really thankful? I'm really thankful when I'm driving down Laurel King and then I get car sick. okay I get car sick whenever I go down in Laurel Canyon and right around when I get past

the little city restaurant there that little place that they sell the sandwiches I told you I think about how lucky I am doing 54 years old I'm still doing spots at the comedy store I swear to God I'm like what am I getting

anxiety for and what is this car sickness for I'm 54 years old I should be irrelevant not even at the store at this age. And I'm going down to do a 10 o'clock fucking spot and my car sickness and everything goes away.

And I'm thankful to the people listen to the podcast. I'm back for you. You came on tonight. You said, you're thankful to be. I love being here. I'm happy you gave the dates. I want people to get to know you. They're going to hear a lot about you. You have good people too. I told you I was at a restaurant the other day and someone was like, I know you from the church.

And I'm like, the people who listen to this podcast, are real honest and loyal. And that's what people like me and you look for in life. I'm sorry about the star of death. I don't need to get you to the hospital. You know what, though? That's going to be a great episode for the TV show, right?

Yes, it is, right? Because it's 2,000-fucking 18. Everybody's going to be eating animals pretty soon. It's true, man. Ever since I've gotten into me on these, this is all I wear when I go to a gym, when I have shorts on and shit, they're comfortable.

It's the mold doll. The softest cotton you'll ever wear. And if you're sweaty, if your monkey sweats, you put on a pair of Miandis, it keeps the sweat under control. I told you people, I had surgery one time I couldn't take a shower.

I sniffed my nuts. The next day they were fresh. Most of the time you sniffed your nut after a day when I peckte, then coryn your mama that you have done there, which means your balls smelled like salt, water, and vinegar. Anyway, every year, millions of people,

people received the least light gift of all time, those white underwear tidy whitties, but we still give it to our family and our loved ones who just don't want it. But maybe it's just the underwear is the problem. It's the kind of underwear that you give them. Let me tell you about me andis. The only underwear that makes an amazing gift. Like I said before, Moda, softest cotton you ever wear. they're soft, the flexible

waistband, they're three times softer than cotton, and most importantly, they're natural, sustainably sourced fiber. They're the most comfortable things you ever in your life. This is what I'm going to do for you. It's for the holidays, all right? It's a new year.

You haven't gotten a little suit called out of ink. And even if you do, you're going to be wearing those tiny witties, women that they just to put your pants on because you're still living in 19, fucking 82. This one would do for you, right? This holiday season for yourself, for your little brother who needs this little stamenka suck. What you're going to do is you're going to go. I'm going to give you the exclusive.

20% off the softest underwear and socks you'll ever wear and free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Did you hear me right? You go, Joey, I didn't fucking hear you right. What is what I'm going to do for you? This holiday season is starting tonight. I'm going to get you an excellent. exclusive, 20% off the softest underwear and socks you'll ever wear. Free shipping and 100% satisfaction guaranteed.

Go to meondies.com slash Joey. Again, that's meondies.com slash joey. You're going to be happy you order them. Why? Because they're the best. I wouldn't even talk to you about them if they weren't the goods. That's the type of guy I am. It's like right now, Honit.

Why do I like Honor? Because I live on it. They're family. I'm part of the Honored Firm. I got a hashtag how that family. You know why? Because they've taken came here over the years. I go on my little alpha brain cycles. I see how my writing improves them. I get focused. Not to mention the Shroom Tech sport, not to mention the Shroom Tech immune, not to mention the hemp force protein. What I'm

telling you is go to out at that com, look at what they got to offer you. There's got something that's gonna work. It's here the alpha brain. Start with that and start with the hemp force protein, the cacao. You will now be sorry. Go to honor.com. Look at the fine line of supplements. Then go to the box on the way out and press. Church.

Bam! C-H-U-R-C-H motherfuckers. And get 10% off delivered to your house. That's on it. Number two, for the last two years, I've worn the Fuji Yees. I've gone from an A-6 to an A-5.

They got the Supariato. They got the Seqal, which means world and Japanese. Then they got another, more expensive one. I'm telling you to look at the Superado. They got it in blue with a nice green trimming. They got it in white and they got out of the beautiful black,

which doesn't get as dirty. People can't notice as much. I went with the traditional white, the black, and the blue. That's a type of jih Tzu guy. I don't want my gita sweat like all fucking sweat because I could smell it on myself and then I'm sorry. I'm fucking there. Not to mention, Fuji Sports.com has a ratchezzo.

They have a sale going on. They have a lot of stuff up there. They've got tremendous stuff. Do me a favor. If you're into martial arts or you need a new jujitugi for the holidays, go to Fuji Sports.com right now and find some on the box, press church. I'm getting your 10% off and they're going to hook you up. All right.

I want to thank Fuji Sports.com. I want to thank meundies.com. And I want to thank honor.com. But most importantly, I want to thank my Latin Flames. name Miss Ida Rodriguez that took a bullet last time and didn't cry. She didn't run away. She called me and ex-day like a woman and goes

you're not going to believe what happened. And that's what it's all about, you bad motherfuckers. I want you to have a great weekend. We'll be back Monday morning. Tip-top, Magoo! No bullshit. Lee Syatt, the Christ-killer Joey Diaz. I love you.

And my main girl, Ida. Rodriguez-Gonzalez is one of those. Rodriguez. Rodriguez. I love you, motherfuckers. have a great weekend. Blast them, Lee. I've got to go to the bathroom.