The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #535 - George Perez

Episode Date: November 20, 2017

George Perez, Comedian and actor, seen on the Joe Rogan Experience and host of the, "George Perez Stories" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get $30 off of your first meal and free shipping!   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever! FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 11/19/2017.

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Oh shit. It's the church of what's happening now, my life. It's the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Here we go. Turn it to another man. Here we go. George Perez. The Hanukkah King, the Christ killer himself.

And your uncle Joey. He's so high. He's actually checking his phone leave. You're the only in the right speaker in it? Oh shit. Wiggle those shoulders. You're in traffic. You're sitting there like a mou tautage.

Here we go. Last night a DJ saved my life. Oh shit. Last night a DJ said my life with the song. Here we go. Kick it. Kick it. Kick this meal.

Wait till the black dude comes out. He's on probation. He's on his way. You know, I hopped into my car. Didn't get very far new. I had you on my mind. Why be so unkind? November 20th.

motherfuckers dropping on the other Monday. All around this town. And I didn't know what turned on my radio. Turn up all I need to know. Oh shit. There she goes. Turning on the podcast. Last night a DJ saved my life.

I'm waiting for the big black guy that drops him to all the time. He's going to be there. Last night a DJ saved my life. Save my life with a song. Here we go. Last night a DJ's home a broken heart Last night the DJ said my life DJ saved my life with a song

Hopefully this is it He listened up to your local DJ You better hear what he's got to say Here we go Here's the black dude There's not a problem that I can't fix Because I can do it in the mix And if your man gives the trouble

Just to move out on a double And you don't let it trouble your brain And the way goes trouble Down the drain Oh shit Said away Goes trouble Down the dream

Fuck yeah Buenos dears Motherfucker Uncle Joey here Ready to rock It's a home new week You're giving it In three days

Then Thursday You're gonna eat turkey You get to see your family And it's a great fucking time of the year Because you know what You think about last year What were you doing last year

I was in a fucking prison cafeteria You know what I'm saying Eat that fucking petrified turkey with that fake dark meat. Getting half off at Danes and shit. That's the worst. I went to Denny's one time for Thanksgiving. The family was mad at me and shit.

And I was like, you don't fuck it. Then I'll go to Danes by myself. Listen, man, that Boston Market, the night before, see, they fucked it up. But when I was single and shit, I was living out there like a nomad. A couple Thanksgiving. You got a loaf of Wonderbread?

You get some fucking turkey sliced thin from fucking Boston Market, some gravy, some potatoes, some stuffing. I don't like any type of stuff. I like prison stuff in the stove top. Yeah, stove top, baby. Stove top, you dope it up with some sausage. Forget about it.

That's prison stuffing? Yeah, it's in a cardboard box. My mom in that stuffing. I love soap. She added stuff to it, but... Yeah, you got to dope it up. That's what I'm saying. You got to add the celery and the stamin kid juice.

You know, it's funny before we were talking about this show I've been watching on Netflix. called Hota Hota Ben Benito's fucking Pablo Escobar. I'm not recommending it to nobody. You know why? Because it's completely in fucking Spanish. And I follow the subtitles. And I don't even know what the fuck they're saying.

I speak Spanish. But it's a very interesting show. Lee, you know, George Perez, who's on the show. Great fucking comic on his way fucking up to take over. He's like the Copa regime to fucking Felipe right now. He's like Luca Broxie. It's funny that... It's crazy how, like, you thought of me when you told me that.

You were mad at me for not watching it. What's that? Right? When I walked in, you're like, are you watching this fucking show? It's superb, especially if you've been locked up. Because, number one, you see how lucky we are. Oh, yeah. That's a prison in Colombia.

They don't fuck around. When they were actually in that prison, you slipped there. The paramilitary, they get you for a small free. They got buckets of acid in their bathroom. They chop you up and they put you in the ass and they drain you. The bodies disappear at this capital prison all the time. I've heard of that. It's one of the worst prisons in Columbia.

I just happened to watch that show a few weeks ago. It was on Netflix. Then we watched the first one or two episodes. And it was amazing when he went from the prison in the city where they liked him to the prison of the enemy. and how it was like completely different. Completely fucking different. And it was like, he gets in there.

And he scared the first days. And the characters that they put in this, they put one of the guys from Del Valle. He's like one of the leaders. What's Del Valle? They were the cartel that was... The enemies to the Mitalin? No.

Oh, okay. Yeah, they all turned on Mitalin, but they all became part of Cali Cartel. Okay. And then the fucking whatever, you know, whether it's true, or not. I'm just telling you when I saw him, Marco, I didn't follow nothing in those days. But they went on their own and looked at the valley because they had the, they controlled the docks.

So they could do whatever the fuck they want. Oh, yeah. I mean, if it's coming in, they're the first one's touching it. And if they were sending it out. Yeah. So if, you know who's Coke went out before George Perez's? Who? Mine. Exactly.

You follow me? So this guy was in there and he's such a nasty fucking. dude that you got to love him. He's Tony Soprano with no class at all. Yeah, with no immigration. No immigration, no class. There's no rules in that world, really. But they're fucking phenomenal

characters. They're just, they're all petrified of extradition. The whole war with Pablo was about extradition. That's it. Because they're jailing Columbia. You know, visitation, they go to yourself for three hours.

They don't even have Like a visiting booth? No, no, no, no. Hookers come in. They got visiting boots. But on certain days, you get, and then after a while, they give congenal visits.

And it's an interesting show because it shows you what's going on in the jungle, what's going on in the prison, what's going on with the paramilitary, what's going on with the fucking, but it's funny. Like, when I talked to Lee, how when I got locked up,

I didn't know what the fuck to expect. I had a friend that had been, been through the system, and I contacted him. I did not know him directly. And this is in the 80s, too, right? Well, with him, yeah. With you getting locked up in the 80s. When I got locked up, I got in trouble.

It was 30 years ago on Saturday. Wow. I was still on the street now. I didn't turn myself into the 21st. I committed the crime on the 18th, but they were on a bold of Manhattan. The 18th was a Tuesday. The NT was a Tuesday. It really was.

and I hit Wednesday, Thursday, and I finally came down the Hill Friday morning, and I turned myself and I did a month in county, and that was like nothing. That was nothing. That was just getting my head together, thinking about things. That can't be nothing. Nothing.

It is nothing. At that time, you're talking about you checked into the holiday in for a month. Holiday in for the month. No, you didn't. My own cell, cable TV, carpeting, cigarettes. You rolled your own. cigarettes. Old friends.

Old friends. No, no, no. I made a bunch of friends in there. New friends. People I had read about in the paper. Like crimes, I had read about in the paper. They were there? They were all in there.

The first guy I met was this dude that was snorting coke and got so paranoid. He thought he heard somebody kicking down his door. So he jumped off his balcony and he broke both legs. So as I was walking to the cell, I saw this dude with two broken caskling. dude was in. You know what I was like? I was like, oh shit,

I read about that fucking dude that story's three months old, eh. Oh my God. There was just, it was like, and then I stayed in there for like four days.

Then you're doing an evaluation. If you had a job at the time and going to school, they put you, this was when Boulder County jail was completely different. Like, what do you mean by different?

It was like. It was you wore your own clothes. Oh, okay, I got you now. Okay. Uh, breakfast was legit. Lunch was legit and dinner was legit.

If you got to the top tier, you didn't have to be a trustee. You could stay up until two. Okay. And watch TV. Then there were trustees. I could never be a trustee because I got arrested for a violent crime. Yeah. So the worst I could go up to was Level Red, which was cable TV, your own cell, fucking gym all day.

Yeah, they're not going to give you responsibility. No. So I got there. It took me about seven days to get the Level Red. And listen to me, 30 years later, the jailer's name was Ron. And I don't know what it was about this dude, we started talking, and we headed off. And he goes, listen, anytime you need to use the phone, just let me know. It didn't cost me a dime.

Oh, wow. I remember on Thanksgiving Day, I was locked up, and I called everybody who I knew. And said, listen, I'm locked up. I'm sorry, I let you down, you know. Yeah. And I sat in there from the 21st of December. November, November, to like the 18th of December, bro. It was brutal.

Yeah, you remembered everybody's number. It came to life in your head, huh? Oh, my God. I met a dude in there that I had read about, that this is one of the weirdest things. He was in his car with his kid and his wife, and he was high on drugs, and he flipped the Jeep over, and his kid died, and the wife died, and he ran away.

And when they grabbed them, they found out he was looked for murder for the last eight years in Florida where he killed four people in DUI. Oh. Like I just met these people in county jail that were fucking nuts. I met this family called the Markleys. They were white trash. Look at me. I love white people. These people are white trash.

I know what you mean, Doc. Good-hearted white people. What trash. What they did was they started a landscape and landscaping. company. Father and son. Okay? Father and son, landscape and company, they're fucking rocking.

They're running along Montemarckles. The fucking, the son has a wife, she's pregnant, they have kids, the whole thing. One day they get a bright idea to start selling cocaine long on George. They went

from zero to 60. You know how this player? You've seen it? I've seen it. When it stacks, you go. Lee, I've seen people like you one day go, Joey. I'm going to start getting an ounce a week from his Mexican dude in the cartel. He's giving it to me for 600 and Moseon for 60 grams if you know anybody.

And next thing you know, eight weeks later, I'll see you with a brand new car. Yeah, Jack Wier. A dollar shirt telling me that you bought a condo and Sherman Oaks. And I'm like, what? And then a year later I'll see you. And you're really ripped.

Like, you're ripping with fucking dough. And now you're really ripped. Like, you got three guys that you're delivering fucking quarter pounds to once a week. Like, you're not that fucking dude no more. You don't even talk to people on the street. You're just the guy that meets a Mexican guy once a week and he gives you a bag with a pound to blow.

You take it to your girlfriend's house, not Paulus. Paul is the woman you live with. You got that girl, like in Goodfellas, that coax-up chick that you pay for her apartment and you just go over there. The clown on your body as you walk in. Yeah, she can weigh it with an eyeball. You don't even give a fuck. She sucks your pole.

You weigh your Coke, you deliver her a Coke, you give her $300 bills for the rent. She ain't leaving nowhere to eat. That bitch hasn't eaten in a week. She has a yogurt with a spoon in it, and her refrigerator. She takes a sip out of it once a day. It's fucking hysterical.

And you know what? And I can tell you this, and we giggle, but I've seen it. No, I feel you. I've fucking seen it. And these guys, next thing you know, they went from selling grams to selling QPs, balls.

QPs and bro they had long mom controlled Right So they started And this is an average family right This is an average fucking American family What about stress? Do you guys not have stress?

Listen to me Forget fucking stress is for pussy Yeah When you see your money add up The stress goes away You look in your fucking suitcase I'll see your bed And there's 800,000 cash

That you made the last year Yeah And you haven't spent a dime We haven't said a word to Paula Yeah but what if you go to jail For 20 years You're not going to go to, listen to me. Yeah.

You're not going to go to jail. You're dealing with professional people. You get to a point that you have a circle, Lee, and that circle is solid. George already did time. He ain't scared of doing time. No. I already did time. I ain't scared to do it time.

For 800,000, I'll do three years. You know what? If me and you can move four fucking kilos a week. Nope. Listen, but just hear me out. I'm hearing you out, dude, but it's terrifying. It doesn't matter what you want, Lee. Your money will buy you freedom in there, too.

What I'm talking to you about is this family. So the family started selling blow. But I mean, they got so greedy and they were so white and so an experience that they started selling ounces. But if you wanted to half gram, call the house. Oh, stupid. But, bro, in the meantime, they bought four new trucks. Everybody had motorcycles. They had money buried in the yard.

Okay, finally, they got raided. I never forget reading about this in the paper, and it was like a fucking, you know, they ended up buying eight cars and trucks. Yeah, flossing too hard. Flossing too hard. What is that mean? They just showed their money.

Flossed too hard. You keep that Volkswagen. And if it gets dented, you give the guy 200, not to say nothing. You keep the dent on it because nobody thinks you're a Coke dealer when you pull up with a dent in your fucking car. Do you understand me?

Now, you show up with a Maserati and your wife gets out with a new head doing a ring on a finger, you're a dead man. It's just taking a couple weeks. The math does not add up. Yeah, like in Goodfellas, when that guy shut up with the pink Cadillac and the mink.

Yeah, and they throw them out of the fucking bar. We don't want to know nothing about that shit. That's your stupid world. But here's what the funny thing. This dude, who are we talking about? Talking about this family that were guarded. The marketers. Yeah.

So now the DA got involved, bro. These people were selling big numbers. when they went in that house, they found cash and they found more cash and they found more cash and they found more cash. So the DEA was involved. This is how fucked up the government. It's just so people think about things

that we're not making. You find that a lot when you get locked up. Straight up. Especially when you go to a federal place for a few weeks. You find out the trickery of the government. Yeah. So what these guys did was in their investigation, guess what they found out, George?

What? The father was fucking the daughter-in-law. No way. Pictures of him 69 and will be snow. And how old was she? 28. Oh, my God. And he was 50 and fucking, they were doing, they had this affair for two years.

Well, she was probably making $400,000 a year. No, listen to me, bro. They were making money as a family. They were living like, they didn't even know how to add 4 plus 4. That's like the point, George. The point was they started fucking. So now the feds were in there and said, can we show you something?

And they showed the son. No, they showed the son. Oh. It's like you're my son. No, no, no, no. I'm your father and I'm fucking your wife when you're at work. Damn. So it's my landscape company.

You and 10 Mexicans. You're white. You got 10 Mexicans. You're making tons of money out there. While you're out there mowing lawns. I'm fucking your wife. You're fucking my wife. Wow.

She's got kids while she's there at daycare. She comes back from yoga. You give her dick, that 55-year-old dick. So now the feds went back in there and showed the pictures to the son and said, what do you want to do? You want to snitch? You want a snitch? So the sun ratted, flip. So I lost them in county jail.

I caught back up with them at diagnostic. It's hysterical. What happens? Like I still remember vividly that story. But I also remember another fucking story. I saw a guy in there that was nice to me in County and I was nice to him. Ba, ba, bah, bah. We never talk like, you know, there's people you talk to him.

Yeah, just had a respect. Okay, so I make bail. I make bail five days before Christmas. I get out. I got a job. I work for a few days. I get fired. I'm cracked.

You know, they're looking at me nine years. I start shoplifting. I make up my mind, listen. If I'm going to go to fucking prison, I'm a steal with three hands. I don't they for until I go to prison because I got to get money or fucking anything. You got a pound of Coke? Now I'm only dealing with people I know.

Flipping it. I knew exactly who to sell Tim Bold. I knew who wouldn't turn on me. So now I went to work. That January 80 of 88, I knew, listen, I might go to prison. I might have a year. Yeah, there's a chance.

You know, I was trying to get a hitman to kill the victim. The victim of him. in Arizona By the way, people, I did call Ken Vela on November 18th and apologized to him for kidnapping him 30 years ago that day. And he never called me back.

So this is what I got, you know what I'm saying? Dog, you know, now that I've become a comedian, I've been getting hit up by people I used to sell coke and weed to like back in the early 90s. And they're like, damn, dog, you were always funny when you sold this weed and coke too. And I was just like, I can't fucking believe the world I used to be in.

Like, it's a, when you sell coke and weed, your customers are fucking very sketchy and weird. Like, really? Like, I was going to ask, is, if you do just, if you're just a pot dealer or weed dealer, it seems to be like it'd be like the best job ever. If you got, if you had it down to the people you trusted. Yeah. Like, that seems like a very low, stress job. Like, look, look, Lee, at the end of the day, any real motherfucking. druggy is going to rob you for $50.

Like, you have to be very trust who you're going to go after. But you'd rather sell weed than crack, right? Yeah, but Coke is way more. People are coming way faster to buy it from you at night. So when you sell an ounce of, if you sell an ounce of weed, that shit's going to be with that guy for a week. If you sell an ounce of Coke and this fool's having a party,

he'll be there in the morning. But Lee, I also want you to remember there's a thousand different situations. Okay. Lee Syatt gets a job at, Give me a chain, darling. A chain, Red Robin. Gotcha. You got the job as a bartender there.

You got 15 fucking kids from 21 to 24, and all they talk about is going out and doing drugs. You're best friends with this fucking Jamok over here. His cousins are the cartel. They got kilos out of detail. What are you laughing about? His cousin's a cartel. You make $8.50 an hour, and you pull down $50 a night in tips,

and you got a girlfriend, you're trying to play Joey Bananas, and you got to fucking pay scholar. You got a car payment to Volkswagen and you got to pay fucking student loans. You go to your friend, George, and you go, George, all these people talk about cocaine and you teach me anything about it, I've never done it before.

Those are the people that make money. Guys like you that take 14 grams, throw three grams a cut on it. George weighs it up for you, gives you 17. Every package has a rock. And at the end of the week, you're going to be selling two. You're going to see George twice a week. Guy like you makes money.

Are you scared? Are you ever scared? No, because you sell it at the bar. Now, do you sell it to customers? Are you one of those assholes? You don't know nothing. You have it hidden somewhere that nobody can find it. The cameras aren't on you.

Maybe somebody drops it off at a certain time and you distribute it. You see what type of night it is. If George asked you, if Joey asked you, if Pete asked you. So that's one way of selling coke. Do you bring it home with you or do you leave it in that spot? You leave it in that spot. But then... You're a professional.

Aren't you terrified all night when you're home thinking, what about that spot? No, no, no, no. People know, man, that's your spot. Paula's home right now. She knows what you do. You're both doing it because you want to do a getaway. Paula had a cousin who did it, so it ain't that bad. Yeah.

You're selling her in it on it. So now every night you call Paul about 11 and go. Bring six packages over here. Bring eight just in case. Paula shows up, gives you eight packages. You get money. You get the money. Once they're sold, you go back to George.

and nobody knows nothing. I know people who have done that for 20 years and not one time gotten in trouble. Not one time, okay? Then I know people who are savages who go to a bar to drink and they become such great friends with the bartender that whenever somebody comes to the bartender,

the guy came in a couple times, he knows him, he's friends with Tommy, he grew up with him, that's Mikey's little brother. That's how it happens. He sends you over. That's the worst way. Yeah. But you're going to move,

you're going to make $1,000 a night. Oh, my God. But you're out there. You're risking everything. Now you're coming home. You're bringing bitches home with you. They start talking. You take the other thing out.

You start talking about the cartel, your buddy George. You're going to take over the city. There's different ways to do it. And there's people who are dumb fucks. And there's people who are fucking professionals. Then there's people, Joyce. Then there's people Lee who go,

you know what? Joey's a comedian. I don't know what he makes on the weekend. I don't know what he makes on the podcast. But George gets his fucking Coke that makes people's hair stand up. In fact, I had a customer that was bald. He now is in a heavy metal rugman.

That's how good the Coke he's getting is from George. Let me just ask Joey. And you come to Joey one day, and Joey loves you. He's not going to judge you. And you're going to say, Joey, let me answer something. If I get you an ounce of Coke, on the street

valley, it's 12, and I'll give it to you for 7.50. Do you want me to bring one by every week? And I'll say, you don't want, Lee, I don't do that much but bring it by. I got a young 22-year-old that sucks my asshole when I give her an 8-ball. And now you bring one to me

every week, and then you bring one to six imaginary comedians that we know do cocaine. That'll be well off. That you're doing them a favor. because they don't have to go into the street to look for it. You're not a cop. Pretty soon you're getting half a kilos.

Every week, you're going to cut it a little bit, and you're going to make eight drop-offs a week, and you're going to pick up cash from eight people legitimately. You don't think there's a Coke dealer in Hollywood that's been selling Coke for 10 years. Oh, he's bald. Jack Nicholson. I'm sure there is.

And this guy and that guy and that guy, that nobody even knows his name. But haven't you always heard of that? the story like people get pulled over for a broken tail light like didn't something happen you become a pro like when you're using it you become a pro

you find high spots like you learn to cut your pants right there by the zipper and you put it in and it's like you know where they're going to search you and not find it listen to me and Lee when I got in trouble for what I did there were two factors that were going to make me lose from the start

A I was doing it over an addiction and B the three people involved were fucking amateurs. There's no way on earth if I was in a straight way, I would have done business with these two fucking morons, especially the Tidwell character. I can't even describe.

The Fulji Galka with? The Tidwell character to you. Like, I can't even describe him to you. He was a white dude that in hindsight now, you could tell Something wasn't right. Like his dad beat him. He was like Corey Feldman.

He was not handsome. He was not handsome. I felt kind of bad for him. I worked him for about four months. And how I met him was I bought weed from him. Every Thursday when I got paid. He was the weed dealer at the body shop. This is like what?

Old good swag weed and shit? This was great weed. This is Colorado weed. That was phenomenal. He had two different types. a weed and paid day he floated me one and then paid dad buy another one

and you know it was always like that he was very good to me and then when I went to sell cars there were guys that wanted weed and bulk and I would go to him and I'd make a little profit in between but then the cocaine came and I would go to him from time to time and he was getting

this yellow chunk from a strip club in Denver that would make your fucking hair stand up and he kept giving it to me. I go, how much of this shit does your guy got? He goes, he's got 20 pounds of it. So, we started talking, and this went on for years.

Now, the guy had a small Buick with tinted windows, and the rims were done. He had a loud stereo. He was flossing. Okay, this is 87. He had tattoos already.

Oh, wow. He wore leather jacket. He wore biker shoes. He had a pit bull. Okay. He had Harley. He did everything that he could to fit it to that world. Yeah, he was letting people know. He would talk to people as this. He would have to, can you get me that weed?

Well, I'll have to speak to my partners. He was one of those white dudes that made himself more important than what he was. Can you get the cocaine or not? Well, let me make a call to a few of my partners. Yeah, I don't know if the planes landed yet. I don't know. He was one of those fucking jerks. But I let him play his game. He always delivered, and he was a half of Mangaloy.

But what do you want from me? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's the people involved in this business. I met him in Boulder. But then it got ugly, George. He would come to me looking to sell. He knew that I could sell shit from him.

Yeah, he knew you had charisma. He came to me one day, and he goes, I'll cut you a better deal. And he was always solid. And at that time, I worked on an American Indian day. American Indian What's that? He sold cars Oh, okay

A guy like He looked like Native American He looked like one of your cousins If he didn't speak Spanish Okay And he had a Mohawk All right

That's what it was All right You know what I'm saying I got you know When you apply for fucking 23 And me Have you spit in a bottle yet? No

Go home and order 23 and me Let them send you the tube What's 23 and me? They figure out your DNA. That shit's all buck. I seen it. Like, this guy spit in two things and it was a white girl. One said she was African, the other one said she was European. It depends what dick you sucked the night before. She didn't add that she sucked a black dick a week before. That shit stays with your DNA. I feel like I'll do it. But check it out and I guarantee there's like a picture of Johnny

Sanchez's uncle with a bone arrow with his head. You know like an Indian Indian. You know what I'm saying? So my point is that he just wasn't the sharpest. tool in the shed. But he came into my life at a time when a guy came to me. It's like a guy coming to me like, I can't even say Lee. I have to say somebody who's a little wiser but I knew I could take him.

Oh, I know what you mean. This guy came to meeting him, he was brought him in a big time bind. I got a DUI. This guy was a class act. He got a lot of this guy. He was creative. I worked at this guy for about two months and every day was the day. Like, Lee, how I talk to you twice a week Is how he would go every day

Like as soon as you got to fucking work at 8.30 There was an employee meeting You got like a bagel and a cup of coffee and soda And right from there he already plotted out How he was going to get the booze for the day Where he was going to get cocaine And who was smoking the first joint behind the building Oh shit

So I would let him go Because I don't get high in the daytime I was there to sell cars. So him, he had other two or three guys, and that's all they did. Is there a lot of cocaine using for car sales, man? Oh, my God. Yeah, I could imagine. And I worked, at that first place I worked at,

it was the first management I worked with there, the guy that ran the place was the fearless leader. He was snorting up a storm. All right, and there was one dude who wasn't that was doing bumps. but he wasn't doing it. And he was my mentor at the time. There was a couple of white dudes that didn't do it.

But every other salesman there, there was two Indian dudes that were brothers that were big, like 48 hours. There was a medium white dude. Those dudes got down from 8.30 in the morning until 9 o'clock at night. Oh, just like moving cars. It was crazy.

And then that was like a weird place. That was like a weird place. Every place had their little problems. So I said, fuck it. I went to a fucking Chrysler Plymouth store. Is that another dealership? Two miles down. Beautiful.

It was a Dodge, and on the other side of the bridge was Chrysler Plymouth. Dodge had eight salesmen. Chrysler Plymouth had three, and they were looking for one. The manager was an old Jew from New York named Art Presla. Okay. Slick, motherfucker. Didn't look it. Very Lee.

Looked like Lee. Only 54, a little older with a beard. Very, he had been there for eight months, and he took the sales force from 22 cars a month to 50 a month. Oh. And he liked me because I was from New York, and he goes, you'll keep me company. I'm dealing with all these white bucks out here.

You know, they don't know what a fucking bagel is and all this shit. At that place, bro, within two weeks, when I got there, I'm like, finally I'm at a place, bro, that I'm the only junkie. I feel you. don't know it because I'm not coming in here junked up when I leave here I go home and get junked up even if I stay up until four I jerk off and I show up here at 830 and I'm fine I'm 20 fucking five yeah your hair's calm they don't know they don't know that 25 I was

sleeping two hours a night at work and out working all day lifting weights drinking snorting I was going to say how much are you snorting then at the time I was snorting if I was storn a half. At that time, if I was storing a half gram a night and I would drink three... And I would drink three cocktails at Red Robin. But then something happened, bro. One of the dudes that worked there, Rob,

I used to always see him sniffle. And then there was his other dude. One day, a customer came in and it was his turn and he goes, I can't take him right now. And when I walked in there, I could tell his jaw was gone. Oh, he was fucking... So I'm like, two for two this is kind of weird then there was a white dude that was half indian he was the guy that was

getting weed from the reservation no i was giving him weed i was one i got hooked up with this dude because i worked at this car dealership this is crazy though you have an indian a jew from new york i had the jew from new york there was a sales manager then there was four offices so there was four salesmen one white dude looked like lee harvey oswald all right he looked just like lee harvey oswald he acted like I think his name was John. Then the other guy was a white dude, but he was really an American Indian. And he knew people up at the fucking Indian border. Yeah, that the other dude was an Italian dude that was from like Chicago.

That was a tremendous salesman. But he was a coquette and a half. And then there was me. But I kept my drug secret at that point out of that. Yeah, you were like a ninja. Until I saw, I saw the Italian dude coked up. and I saw the white dude coked up.

And now I knew something was up at this place. So pretty soon I got the I got the scoop of it. Somebody offered me a bump. I did it the next day. You know what I'm saying? You're in.

And I asked him, how do I get some more? I looked at him and he goes, go to art. My heart stopped, Lee. That's like George Perez gave me three bumps. And I go, who do you get this fucking coke from me? He goes, Lee.

wait a second wait a second you don't get this coke from he's a smart motherfucker because lee had taken me by that point this dude art pressler I mean that was a great car salesman

but I didn't know the basics I know what you mean I was a street salesman so I could sell you anything but he slowed me down and showed me the basic basics how to really suck him in like a true fisherman

Oh my God, this guy was a genius. And he goes, listen, since I got here, this guy was a bum. He's making $8,000 a month. Wow. That guy was a killer. He was making $8,000 already. He's making $16,000. And the other dude, he was a bum.

He was making $2,000 to $4. He goes, if you do what you do on 10 cars, I'll make you anywhere from $7,000 to $10 a month if you do it my way to the book. And, bro, it took everything in my power. for me to do it exactly how he would say it. But I made more money than ever those three months. Where were you averaging a month? When I was at Subaru, I was probably selling 15 to 16 cars

and making $7,000 a month. Fuck, that's a lot in 88. Okay, at Holliston, I was selling eight cars and making $9,000 plus my car was for free. Oh. I could, Lee. With insurance?

Lee. There's no insurance. Free. As long as I sold seven cars, the car was free. And every month, I can drive it in and go, you know what?

I don't want to drive this this month. I want a Voyager. Bro, it was like stealing. Heart Press would have taught me the art of fucking selling cars. And the next thing you know, this dude says to me, You didn't know? I called Artie.

My heart broke. It was like when I found out that Joe Montana did Coke. My heart broke in the van that day. I was like, no, he doesn't. He's a big-ass Coke head of the shit. That's where he gets a comeback power from. So I went to art one day, and I wouldn't even talk to him about it. I would send other people to get the Coke from Hardy for me.

Just went out for like two or three months. His Coke was on fire, dog. And he was getting it from a dude. that I watched him for like three months I watched him his game was his game was basic he would get it from somewhere

and he would drop off three ounces on you and go see you next month yeah I need that I need that 2400 and then he comes the first of the month and nobody knew nothing

fucking unbelievable the way you watch it happen oh dog it's happened to me at work like I've worked at so many strip clubs And every strip club has like their own drug dealer that like the girls trust, the manager trust. He could, you know what I say he ises the fucking the door guy. After a, he throws some to me. Then you know what I mean? He takes care of it.

And then now he's in. Okay. So when he gives you that money, what does that mean? What do you give him? He's not giving me money. He's giving me cocaine. He goes, hey, man, if you like it, let everybody know. Here, here's some more.

Help me out. Hey, you know me, I'm not giving it. I'm selling it to these bitches. I'm like, hey, try this out. Try this out. And it's fucking crazy, man. I've seen it at strip clubs. I've seen it at bars.

I remember one time I went to like a movie screening and we were in downtown L.A. And we go to this bar. And that's when I realized motherfuckers from L.A. don't care. This fool just put it in the dollar right there and goes here, sniff that. And I was like, dude, we're right by the bar. How am I supposed to sniff that? Lee, the world of the drug dealer. Let's expect, right, let me.

Free pussy all day? What's the closest bar around here that you would actually enter? Big wings. Big wings. Big wings has two drug dealers. At all times? A hot waitress, that her boyfriend is a Coke dealer. So she brings an eight ball with her to work every night.

Or she steals from them and makes her money because she's a hustler. No, no, no, no. She's legit because she'll go back in the middle. a little night and get more. And then you have the door guy, one of the door guys stuff, okay? They sell it to the staff at first.

Are you being serious? It's the way of the business. I recently went to a bar, okay? I recently went to the month ago one night, four weeks ago, five weeks ago. You know why see exchanges? I went to a bar. dear friend of mine owns.

So I sat there. I welcomed his family, welcomed me. Now there's a little restaurant, but on the other side, it's a bar. And it's guys that are me, now that I'm 54, damn me at 22.

So as I walk in, I feel it. I sit in the back. I make believe I don't know nothing. Football's on the afternoon. It's a Saturday. I sit down and I watched the bars got maybe 30 deep. They're yelling, they're gambling, they're screaming.

I haven't seen this guy in about three years, so he sits over. He orders foods for me and the other comedian. We're watching that. I flip over. I go, you know what, I don't want to sit with my back to the door. Let me flip this way. And I watched the bar. And there was two hot blonde bartenders, beautiful, cleavage, no big deal.

No. And there was a door guy, and there was a fucking two bathrooms. dog I watched six drug deals go down and five of them were one guy and one of them was with a chick that you would have sat there all daily and would not have seen a thing happen just because that was me

we know the world we know the world we see how it happened you know it's like and then we see the girl that's with you that you brought in that you met at the like that's how I caught it you know I caught it with the weakest link in the thing. A guy comes in that works with a chick that's going to suck his dick.

But he doesn't know that she's a junkie. Oh, okay. So you met her at the fucking movie theater. She comes in with you, and while you're drinking, she goes, oh, my God, I lost my ATM card. Can I borrow 50 bucks on me a lien? I'll give it to you tomorrow. And you're like, yeah.

And you give her the 50, and I saw her like run over, make believe she was doing something, make believe she was talking to the waitress that she told Lee she had her give her 50 bucks. That was his sister. And then she went to the drug dealer. And I saw her go to the bathroom, come back, kiss the guy in the cheek.

The guy thought he was getting pussy. You don't know, he's already minus 50. He's already minus the 50. I mean, it's fucking crazy how you see it. And no matter what bar you go to, If I send you to Marlonita, where'd you go? Lompoc. If you go to Lompark and you sit at Lompak at 5 o'clock and you go over,

you either have the outback, right, or you have the other room. They got them at out back too. You'll sit at out back at the bar. And people come in that come in there every fucking night. And within an hour, you'll see something irregular. You'll see something irregular. It helps the bar. Like when your buzz.

A bartender wants it. Yeah. Listen, a bar owner wants to know, but he doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to know. It keeps everybody drinking. It keeps everybody drinking. So if you guys see it, why don't the cops see it?

They don't give a fuck. They don't really caring. Because even if they come in there, Lee, and they go, Lee, how you doing? Detective Diaz, there's anything illegal to you here at night? And you're like, no. I don't see nothing. I'm here all the time. I'm the night manager.

Do you see activity here? Have you ever seen this guy? Mr. Perez in here? You mean George? Yeah. George Perez is a gentleman. He comes in and he eats a fucking taco every now. I don't know why.

Fucking kid he can eat a taco. No, me's Mexican. I don't know why he eats here. You know what? We have a pretty good Mexican taco. Yeah. We have a pretty good Mexican taco. Have you ever had our taco?

I'll get you two of them. Hold on, officer. No, no, no, no. All right, all right. that we get it's like if you go to a bowling alley there's all these fucking 24 and over kids they're selling the the zanics the edcc the ecstasy the ecstasy it's an edcicotins the ecstasy that's an ed's new pills that they come out they're called triple stack shit like ad there's drugs right now that like my son like shows me hey dad look motherfuckers are trying to drug me brought on this

triple stacked iron man i don't know what i did a fuck listen a buddy mine i haven't seen him in six He is, gave me a hug of the comedy show. And he goes, how are you doing? And we talked. And he asked me if I want to do a line in this hotel room. I said, don't do that shit no more. I do this motherfucker with my whole Houston day. So I'm a white dude.

Dating a black chick. And he goes, what are you going to do after the hotel? I go, listen, I got to fucking go to bed. Because I got to catch a fly at a 4.30, brother. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were coming. We lost contact. So he talked for 10 more minutes.

He goes, do you want a Xanax or two? I go, yeah, give me whatever you got. So he gave me two little Xanax is the same ones I get, the white ones. But then he gave me the circle film with T, something on it, some three letters. Okay. He didn't tell you what it was? No, I go, what is this? He goes, it's like a baby Viking.

I'm right. I took the fucking Zadix, just put them in my own thing, and the baby Vikin. I didn't touch that baby Vikin. Until one night I went in there for Zanix before the cat. comedy store and I saw the baby Viking and I go what am I doing tomorrow you know what saying yeah let's take a chance and I thought I went home that night and on the way up Laurel Canyon I popped it and by the time I got home nothing and then about an hour later I started getting this warmth bro warmth yeah like this warped came on this is good

and within 20 minutes bro I had a rash everywhere at least that's what it felt like I scratched from head to fucking toe I've been there I've been oh my gosh go and then I lay down and my wife finally said why don't you got him and put some powder on because I was scratching everything my feet my neck yeah it's embarrassing the next day you're walking around

with fucking band-aids on your face no fuck you man I like my little fucking Xanax on the road where you got a three-hour difference a Xanax will knock you I never took a Xanax me either bro there's so many different fucking things animals out there

I got to be careful because of the fucking sleep apnea. Isn't that what that rapper just passed away from? What did he say? He had sleep apnea? No, no. Zanax. Who? What rapper? The 21 year old YouTube kid? He's 21

year old YouTube kid. He's not a rapper in my world. He was a rapper too. Listen, if I'm with a woman and we start snorting Friday at 2 in the morning, and we go back to a house and we got both of us. She got a quarter-ounce, I got a quarter-rounds. And we're going Saturday night. We're eating

Xanax to get our dickards. Yeah. Yeah. And to get some blood in her pussy. And then you know, Xanax gets the blood right to the clip. It's tremendous. That little ice cube and a couple flicks of the finger. And that monkey goes back to life.

Next thing you know, you know what, man, you look down the next morning and you've eaten a jar in Zanx, bro. Oh. And people do that all the time. It lose count. Is that what Lamar Oldham was doing when he was over there in the hotel in Vegas? I heard he was on Xanax, cocaine. Because you're reading the Xanax

like every hour on the hour and you're snorting fucking guerrilla lines like I was doing. Yeah, like first down at the football game, lines like that. Oh, you're snorting gorilla fucking lines. Like a guy like myself did. I'm very guilty of that.

And you're popping Xanax like one and hour because you got a hot chick there and you want to give So the Zanics can get, it's like a Viagra, you're telling me. I don't, in my world, it at least kept it in the ballgame. You can still pitch it. I got hard and I wouldn't come. Oh. Not for two hours.

I got you. Like 20 minutes. No, six minutes. If I stay alive for six minutes, I could flip them over, eat their ass, stick a finger, then muffling it's over, with jizzling their neck. Oh, my God. And they release half. I'm saying.

Do a couple more bumps. They suck your hoard. You move on. Whatever. I don't fucking know. I'm just using imagination here. Hey, you just brought some shit up, man. I remember doing some fucking cocaine off like tities and belly buttons.

I remember one time we did it off this bitch's pants because it fell in her pocket. So we fucking took the stitching off the pocket with the razor. And like the pocket was. here and oh dog everything went up there oh fucking pieces of pennies that fell off Lincoln's face that shit burned my brain though because you know there was probably

detergent I was dry it in there too it burned my brain dog dog listen man I snorted shit off bathrooms you know I snorted stuff changing tables you know you don't know whether it's sheet rock you don't know if it's the

the little sponge white foam that they say you just don't know at five in the morning you're just scraping fucking pens and pencils remember when the bick you would take the thing out and snort and then at the end of the night yeah yeah and you'd scrape it out to get that little less line yeah you know I mean we said them cleaning we did creepy fucking shit that I keep close to my heart because I never want to do that again I saved like 20 baggies once. You know how the baggie has a resin?

And I got a fucking razor and I fucking scratched it down. I had like two big old lines. Oh, I was scandalous. The way my heart was beating when I was cutting it. That building I lived at Hollywood. Had an elevator. And I would call the dealer and I would run to the elevator and go down to the first one, run down, get the Coke. And at this time, I wouldn't even like, I was insane.

I was in hoarding coke. I would have in my pocket already a rolled-up dollar with a piece of Scott's tape on it. Why? Because as I was walking up into the elevator, I was already grinding the coke in the bendo. Oh. Okay. And I wouldn't press number four until all the coke was grinding. And once I pressed number four, the bender was open and the dollar bill was already in.

And so by the time I got to the fourth floor, the whole package was gone. At that time, I wasn't doing Coke like normally. At the end, Felipe came on, and he told this story about, bro, I very, I knew Felipe had a problem at this time. I had a horrible problem. But Felipe, I'd be up waiting for him. Yeah, he told me he would hide it from you. We would hide it from each other. Yeah.

Because I knew that he was going somewhere else with it. Like, Felipe is the type of dude that gets hired, and he'll get in a car with Lee and go to a party. Yeah. San Diego, four in the morning. Yeah, I'm that kind of full, too. I don't do that type of shit. I stay home with my business.

I'll stay home with you, girl. Go ahead, you go. I'll stay home with you. I'll stay home when I was going to sleep. Yeah. As I got older. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? You realize that no, no, no, no.

I was never one of those guys. We're here, we're good. Yeah, I know what you mean. I've been that guy. Yeah, we're here. We go to another party and then people try to fuck a pumpkin. Felipe would leave with people at 4 in the morning with different people. We're all together.

And all of a sudden, where's Felipe? He left with those three Mexicans dudes. Okay, God bless him. He never even came in and checked it. And now people, I'm talking about 2001, Felipe. 2002, Felipe. And we used to do Wednesday nights down at that that fucking. place to crazy place so we're talking about wild coyote doing coke where somebody so okay so it's

got to be 2006 I'm on a fucking cocaine 10 I got a call from filibre one night early fool early you know you had to answer eight o'clock that's my brother yeah I always answered the phone now at this time I had heard his story about his stories and he always knew I snorticoke so there was no line between us so I met him at Ocampadre he didn't say nothing the whole lot we were there I got a cocktail I got a package I did a few lines and if you know anything about me I would always get the backup package and that goes in the medicine chest the top pocket on the right side just in case the night gets wild case the cops chase you then check that pocket yeah you know there's always

here take that one that's only got two lines in it Little do you know, I got another G-boat grind it up deep, deep, deep, deep, deep in that bar. I buy this zipper, bitch. So what we say? So you're at the bar with Felipe? I'm at the bar with Felipe at the whatever the fuck, El Compadre. And he goes, I go Felipe, I got to go home. I only do two lines in public.

And after that, I got to go home and shit and do this package. I ain't got time to be sitting here talking to people. There's nobody I really want to meet. You know what I'm saying? So I'll never forget getting in this car. And right in front of him, he was driving, bro. I'm never forgetting being by the gas station on sunset, by the strip club, crazy girls.

Being at that light on sunset going east. And me taking the package I bought there that night and just doing the whole fucking line, licking it and throwing that package out the window and having the backup package. and him and I talking and I could tell that he wants to ask me do you have anything on you

and I'm playing like I'm done that that was why I just threw out sorry and he looked at me and he goes I can't believe you did that I go bro that's how I roll so the car starts going now we get over by the with Chick-fil-A is

you know what Chick-fil-Lay is Sunset and Highland we passed that and as we fucking pass that I go on my little undercover package. And he's driving me, telling me about his future. He's going on the road with Gabriel,

blah, blah, blah. I take another package out. I opened that one up in front of him, and his eyes light up. I put the dollar bill in there again, and as he's making the turn up to my block, I do the whole fucking thing in one line. Damn.

And we're getting in front of my house, and he goes, did you save me any? I go, no, and I would never give it to you anyway. And I shook his hand, gave him a kiss, and I went upstairs, probably hit for my wife for him. and fucking did my thing fucking crazy that's how long I know these cats man yeah I remember back in that when I first met you I used to hide it from you too but I knew you knew and I just

I knew you liked the fact that I respected you to hide it from you that was like we were scared of you dog like you were the one we respected and hit it from no because I never wanted because you had the best stories I remember you were in Texas and I guess you hid the cocaine in the water and you drank the fucking water. I remember you telling me that story. I hit the coke. No, I fucking, what do I do?

I was in the hotel room in Denver. Yeah, it was Denver. Bro, my buddies left Coke. You ever go to a hotel room, bro, and they fucking have a tissue paper thing in the wall? Yeah. They called me and said, we left you the key.

We had to get on a plane. Get there before the fucking. made and run up there and said do not disturb sign we left you the key show me ID and run up there and in the wall there's a full ounce of coke we didn't even touch it

I went up there and bro there's a full ounce of coke I ran down the stairs I got in the cab and I ran to this little fucking dingy hotel you know 20 hours a night maybe at the time why not stay at the nice hotel because I'm doing blow

yeah you that's the spot Pablo Escobar I had a girlfriend who lived in Boulder who ended up being my future wife. I called her from the hotel room and I go, hey, I got the ounce of Coke and I'm in this hotel room in Boulder. In Denman, she goes, where are you out?

I tell her. She goes, listen, I'm in school till five. I'll call you when I get out and I'll come down. This is how much of a theme that was in 1987. This has to be, I kidnapped. It's a lot of fucking coke, dog. Dog, the whole fucking ounce. You ready for this afternoon?

Now, it's 11 in the morning. I'm in this hotel room. Maybe I got 12 beers. That's good for a couple hours. No cigarettes and no weed at the time. I had weed, but I wasn't smoking in the hotel room because the cops. Okay. Oh, my God.

This is a horrible story. I get in the room. I lock the door. I'm not in that room. Two minutes. I take this ounce. out, it's perfect. I mean, George, it's perfect.

It's like a crater. It is perfect. It's chunky. It's flaky. It's fresh. Flaky's You can smell the ether. It's in two bags. I take it out. These guys are left for four ounces on a Sunday and got the Denver on a Wednesday. They had

stopped in St. Louis. And they took flights. They didn't sleep the whole time. They slept in. They finally fell sleep in Denver for three hours. And the one kid's mother was looking for them all across the country. She finally called me and she goes, did he call you?

He was here for Sunday dinner. They left and they never came back. My buddies were crazy. This is four years after I left. I go to this hotel room. I call him, who was my girlfriend, and I didn't know nobody else, bro. So I start snorting little lines.

I'm watching TV. They got a porno channel. Yeah. You know, I'm watching a porno channel. I'm jerking off. I'm drinking my little beers. I'm snorting coke. But I knew I kind of had a war in the Snowmast Village,

so it kind of went into my head. So now I got paranoid. So guess what? I started hearing the drill. Ah. Zzz. Zzz. I started hearing drills in all four walls.

So I took the blow, and I hit in the medicine chest in the fucking hotel room, and I'm doing a little bumps, looking at myself in the mirror and fixing myself, George. and the phone's ringing, do you want room service? And now I know the FBI is looking for it or something. So now I'm on fucking fire,

but I don't give a fuck. I'm doing this blowdog. This porn is good. It's two white guys, and they got a chick tied up, and they're about to stab it before they make us suck that dick. I mean, I got a jerk on.

I was crazy, George. And all of a sudden, something makes me go to the back window. This was a nice, cheap hotel room. Did the back window have, like, bars? No, no, no. It was the third floor. And I remember it was like this, like an oval.

But when I looked over, George, there was a car park there. And then four minutes later, the car would go into a bridge and another car would pull up. Oh. And this is going on every five minutes. So now my mind's an overdrive. I'm hearing drills. I turn the porno off. I'm sitting on the bed.

Taking a knee. so I'm listening to see if I see a drill come through the wall and then they put the scope in through your wall so I fucking I look around the fucking room

and I go fuck this and there's a little desk or a little container where you could fill up with ice so I went and I filled it up in water from the fucking sink and I took it

and the Coke was gorgeous the cocaine was gorgeous it was gorgeous I was a junkie I had been off for about four days and here a ounce falls on my lap and it was in like gram chunks

and I took it and it was shaved when you popped it the whole room smelled like it and I took a piece of the Coke and I threw it in this water to see how long it would take to dissolve in case the cops knocked on my door like what

two three grams you say two three grams I took it maybe I don't know I don't know guys 12 ounces of water maybe and then I took another chunk that was like another two grams and I threw it again in the water to see how long it would take to dissolve because I wanted to sit on the bed

watch the porn with the volume off and I was going to sit there snort coke and just jerk off now this time the phone's ringing it's my girlfriend and Bolivia she wants to know what the fuck's going on it's 5 o'clock now I'm too high guess what I don't even want of that bro I got about 22 grams of Coke I'm doing this on my own

She's gonna come over here and talk Oh yeah I'm gonna fuck her and shit We're gonna do some freaky shit And it's gonna feel weird She's not gonna leave till this coke is gone You're following me Fuck her

And the horse who sent her And she's calling me Because she goes my brother It'll take a half ounce off And you can make some money And I'm like dog I got a chance of making $900 bucks or snorting the shit.

I kept snorting, George, and snorting, and I hear the drills. And finally, at one point, George, is about 17 grams of Coke, and I'm doing so much of it in the bathroom, just taking it. Holy Mother. Can you tell me what that is? That's what Joey has.

Yeah, oh, my God. I'm taking it, and I'm putting it in my nose, but it's falling all over the bathroom floor. Jesus right. So at one point, I just take the baggie. I flush the toilet. And I throw the Coke in the toilet. And I look at it, dissolve, and I flush the toilet. And the toilet, I can see the Coke sticking to the side of the toilet.

So now I'm looking out the window, and cars are still pulling up to the thing and switching. I'm hearing drills. The phone's fucking ringing. And I'm looking for Coke now, because I'm coming down. And I'm finding it all over the bathroom floor. There's a path. And on the way to the room, I'm walking it and stuffing coke in my nose. jerking off and watch the board.

It's 7 o'clock at night. The phone's ringing. The lights red, red, red, like, you know, this is the 80s. The lights fucking flashing. You know, I'm waiting for the knock on the door so I could kill her. But guess what? Even if she shows up, there's no coke left. It's in the toilet, bro. So I then nailed by the toilet.

And every spot that was yellow, I would stick my finger in the toilet. Oh. And stick the yellow spot in my nose. Oh. And I did that until about three in the morning. Then I went in the shower. Damn. Were you having fun?

Oh, yeah. That's a blast. That's a different high right there. When you're a junkie, oh, my God, that was as fun as it gets. I should have had a clown come over with balloons. That was one of the most demoralizing times of my lively. Plus, I blew $1,800. Oh, my God.

That's an $1,800 profit that you flushed. But here's what gets best. There's more. I go to sleep. You fell asleep? I fell asleep like that day for two hours. The phone rings. It's Kathy.

What did you do with the Coke? Listen, just come get me. Okay, I'll be there and now. I hang up the phone. I get up, I look around the room, and all there is is a pitcher of water next to me. I pitch up the fucking water, and I drink the whole thing.

Go, good, good, good, good, good. Oh, my God. And when I get to half of it, I start to taste cocaine. Strong numbness in your gums. And I drink the whole thing. And then I go to fucking end the door knocks. It's Kathy.

And I can't talk because the cocaine that I drank, the four grams I put in that water, just like shut down my throat. You ever do a line of coke and your voice changes? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're nervous. You're scared. Yeah, my fucking.

My voice went away. I lost my voice for the day. So I ended up blowing $1,800. I mean, it was just a lot of, disaster all around now that was 1986 so how long ago was that 41 years

no 31 years that 31 years my bad guess what you know the motherfucker that left the coke in the wall that night hit me up on Facebook about three years ago and asked if I had the money to give him for that coke that night no way I swear to God that's some fucked up shit right there how long does he have to ask you for that

It was crazy because he left the Coke on the Wall. It's not like I said to leave the coconut wall. Okay, he left the Coke of the Wall. I get a call. At that time, I didn't have a phone, guys. I looked at my girlfriend, sister, and her family. And 11 o'clock at night, the house phone rings. And it's my ex-wife, who, my girlfriend at the time, and she calls.

She goes, I, grab a pen. And I go, what's up? She goes, grab this number. your friends are in Denver at the airport like what are you talking about and she goes yeah want you to call him I think his name is hello no Danny it's like okay it's like fucking get on the call

and they call Danny at the airport Cokes where are you he goes I'm sitting here with sabs and Russo it's a party you know we'll load up we'll load it up we got everything you need get on a fucking car meet us at the airport

I get my fucking car I get gas I took a shower. I drive all over to the Denver airport. I get that and like three guys come up and they're like, are you co-co? Yeah. Here's a note. They couldn't wait.

They went to a strip club, the best one in Denver. Get in the car. I go down there. I get in there. There they are, bro. They're running a table. They throw a hundred-dollar bills at these chicks. Fuck, yeah.

All motor mouth. They're fucked up. They're fucked up. And I'm like, where the fuck are you guys staying? Like the hotel across the street. We got two ounces of blow over there. We're going to pick up 10 chicks and bring them over there to a party. And I'm like, you guys are fucking crazy.

We'll have Danny B call you. We'll have Danny B call in my buddy, the one who did this with us. I've never forget you. I think it's Danny B, Sabs, and fucking Tommy. Dude, me and side dick Eddie went to a bar once and did so much Coke that we paid the strippers to leave us alone because my dick wouldn't get hard. I was like, hey, here's eight bucks. Just leave.

don't it like you're going to clown us but we couldn't get hard for shit and then the strippers you know how she caught us she was trying to like kiss me and I moved and like a fucking rock fell out on the table you know how that shit is she licked it up ooh this is good shit

one time I fucked up and I gave a stripper in my sack oh yeah that's a chance she's like hey let me get a bump that bitch that shit came back empty as fuck like the fucking Donald Trump tax return you never give a chick a package until they come back.

Especially a stripper. You tell them to go in the bathroom with you to the men's bathroom. I would lure them into one of those fucking urinals. I don't give a fuck. Why are we in here? Because you're going to do two bumps and you're going to watch me piss. This is pre-Louis

C.K. You know, three fucking women I went to a bathroom with to do coke. I've been there. So I was personal friends with. And when we were in there, they're like, do me a favor. I got a pee turn around. And you're standing there going, oh, my God, a woman just pulled the pants out right behind me. Yeah.

I went to the bathroom 20 times in my life with women I was friends with who said, well, we're in here. Let me just pee. Turn around. And I would turn around. I would never pee in front of a fucking woman. What else were on me? You don't put some Tony Bennett on you? I said to like a bottle of me.

Oh, shit. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when. Somebody breaks your heart 20th of the month, cock suckers You got about 40 days to get your life together 2018 is here I'm ready I'm going for 2018 dog

A somebody who will swear to be true As you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn That misery Love's company Wait and see I want to be around

Who'll see how he does it When he breaks your heart Two bits Take it off your fucking phone What's the matter with you That's the last thing you want on your phone You get pulled door by mistake God forbid

Cop gets cute Oh my gosh Next thing you know They got you hooked up But somebody you don't even know. No, that's not me. That's my old drug dealer going, please come back, dog.

You get a half off. No, no, no. I can just imagine. You could get custom. But you can't explain to him, you know, I'm saying. That's a brilliant way of getting your customs back. Fuck the tweet.

Fuck the text. Let me show you a picture of the quality of what we're throwing over here. Imagine if drug dealers face timed at the lab, what's up? You're motherfuckers writing. Let me tell you something. I always start now.

If I snort at Coke now, how different it would be. It would all be on the computer. You do everything on the fucking computer. I mean, right now, you'd be a fucking fool. No. You don't think that UPS is sending it from San Diego. Oh, straight up. The spots in Chicago.

You got rocks in your fucking head. They have to battle. Them, the mules. How many stars you got left, Lee? Give me six. I had four. Where's the other two? Right here.

You got a match from my 8-6. I'm fine. You're a savage. What, Lee? What? But don't you think you'd do even better now? Because you couldn't do it without the computer? I think the computer leaves too much of a trail.

I think you'd do better the old-school way. I don't think of any drugs anyway, but I'm just saying. I'm not saying. Any drug dealer could do it better. It's just really weird how just because you're locked out doesn't mean. Like I made a living when I was in there. Oh, straight up. When I was in there, within seven days, I figured out.

You can only have $20 in your pocket at one time. Because remember, I already had done a month in county, so that counts two for one, right? I got four months, 48 months. They cut it right away, the 24 months. That's all you got to do. Yeah, half time. So half time. I had already done one in county, which counts for two.

That's 22. So I was already, I was two months eligible for a halfway house. Oh, I know exactly what you. And that's a men's homely. You follow me? Yeah. Yeah, they sent me to detention. And there's more fucking drugs there.

They sent me to a detention to do the week of seminars and they take blood from you and they ask you creepy questions about what do you think about this picture and shit? About your homeland. It's a week of bullshit. I forget what the fuck they call it. So everybody runs through that that week. Yeah. And it's 23-hour lockdown.

I think it's called furlough or something. It's four weeks. It's until you figure out where they're going to send it. Diagnostic? Diagnostic. Thank you. For me, it was called diagnostic. Lockup.

And my buddy, that one that was locked up that I went to, he told me exactly what to do when I got the diagnostic. He told me exactly who to go to. give him a message and that everything would be cool with me I went to him they gave me things they went to put me in a cell and the guy walked right on and he goes no no no

put him here and that was it I didn't talk to the guy again for about a week but they put me downstairs and I didn't understand it they put me on the first floor there was fucking six floors it was Colorado was Wow six floors it was August 15th

it's 90 fucking degrees in this point I don't know where diagnostic is now, but I know that it was hot. It was kind of hot on the first floor, but now what it would be like on the sixth floor? And that's the place where people would yell all night. Yo, Tyrone, what up?

What you went? They bust the year over at Big Money House. They killed big money, but I got away. It's all night, Lee. Yeah, people trying to translate messages, who's here, roll call. Yeah, Lee, it's. all night and you're sleeping on a metal bed

you're in a little toilet by yourself there's a sheet between you and the metal bed and they have a skinny sheet on you. But it's a different experience for a guy like you and a guy like me who had never been to prison before. Yeah, that was my first time in prison. But you've been to jail

before? That was county jail. County jail and prison is completely fucking fucking. There's no difference in my head. No, hell yes. The difference is county jail There's cops around you at all times. You have visitation. Your attorney comes to you.

You're putting a cell by yourself. You have a cell block. You read the paper. You eat dinner with the inmates. You don't really say much. You don't belong to nobody. Nobody knows your paperwork. Look, Lee, like, it's a big difference.

And you can make bail. Yeah. When you're in the county, you don't have a release date. You're in there fighting to know when you're going to go home. There's a different person in you. When you go to prison, you know when you're going to jail. you know when you're going home you're now in blue like it's life now

you have to get the fuck up there's no sheriff's there to save your ass it's the real deal so do it too or leave so you want to do as long as no no thank you so you want to do as long as county as you can no because at the same time the county doesn't have shit for you

it's there's no people are only there for nine months or two years fighting cases like it gets flipped so much you rather be in the county because you don't have a sheriff on your ass. Those sheriffs know that you're going to be gone. When you're in prison, those cops are way cooler. Not that they're even cool, but it's just a respect.

They know you live there. And you develop a working relationship. Yes. And they know exactly your limitations and what you'll do. And if you're cool and you don't ever pass those limitations, bro, they don't fuck with you. There's cigarettes in prison. There's no cigarettes in the county. that shit's hard

but when I was in county that's how old I am Boulder would give you a pack of roll cigarettes oh my god you know that when I got locked up and I got I got out and I started comedy at 91 and I won a contest

and in 92 I would be because it was I had a right new material every fucking Tuesday George it was Boulder broker state night comedy night. For $15, you got a steak, a big potato, a salad.

That sounds bomb. And a ticket to a comedy show. You know how hard it was to talk people who eat the steak? To look at you, do you have any idea? So, number one, you couldn't go there with the same material every week. No. So every week, I would write something down from the newspaper and talk about it. And one of the best jokes I had in the very beginning was that Boulder, Colorado, was voted the number two

jail in the country behind another county jail in the Sherman Oaks one or what? No, the one that was another jail. So Boulder was number, Boulder was number two on the top ten county jails.

They did, like remember the four out of five dentist survey? Yeah. It was something like that and when you read it, you wanted to die or laughter like eight of ten inmates surveyed that did the retirement

three different county jails that Boulder County Jail was the second best thing I mean it was crazy number one was another place in Colorado that they had air conditioner and fans that's probably a federal prison

no no no no no it was a county jail the top 10 county jails in the country they treat their fucking Boulder pro had the best food I ever had period number two they had blenders at the time number three on Thanksgiving

Day and never forget the guy left the cell open and you could do as many calls as you wanted that was cool there was fucking two in the morning HBO bolder they didn't fuck around then they built a new one

and they took the cigarettes away and they took the that you could wear your own clothes away yeah that's all bullshit you know there was a time where you can wear your own clothes late That shit don't happen no more No

Too much Too much shit going down You know what's crazy too Is now that Thanksgiving's coming up I spent Three fucking Thanksgiving's in prison How were they? Dog, it was the first one sucked

Because I was new I don't know what the fuck was going on I was just happy because They gave you a real drumstick The ice cream bar at the end for dessert Oh, I like those Yeah so then I started working in the kitchen And then now they would give us a big ass turkey leg

But the fucking inmates They didn't know how to cook and right all the time. So, like, I had to have a bicea. Let me, a bice that would grill it for me on his shit. Tell them about a grill. What would they make a grill out of? Okay, so a grill, oh, man, like, a lot of these guys are working electrical. So they'd go in the electrical.

They'd put it in their cart. And, like, the homie would break the tile or something in there where we needed that cart to come into our dorm for repair. So he would sneak it into the cart, fix it. and man I'm trying to like think of what he made out of this thing like he made this thing that would warm up

that we would plug it into the wall and it would fucking I think he used the bottoms of the coffee you know those coffee you know how you put the coffee pots they're geniuses yeah they're genius of these guys what's the difference between Paisa and homie ah

a Paisa and a homie a homie is a someone that's from America. A Paisa could be someone that's from Cuba, Mancico, Honduras El Salvador. Okay.

Yeah, you're a Paisa to us. Or that's the... So I'm a homie. Nah. No. You're another. Of another? Yeah. You, or you're white. But I don't think the errands are really going to like you. No, they're not.

I'm fucked. I still remember the Mexican dude's face. I still, 30 years later. the Mexican dude's face that sold tacos, and he sold them on sports night. And he sold bean and cheese. That was the most popular.

And he'd give you a side of salsa and chips. And the guy really worked hardly. Like he would work the kitchen and then... How much was each taco? Matters. It had to be... No, each burrito? Whatever.

Like a dollar. I would buy like five of them. Oh, shit. With Salas on the side, he just had a great business, and he came to your dorm, and on Mondays he knew, on Mondays he'd come over and say, and left you five, fucking whatever.

But that was his thing. His competition was a fat Italian dude. That's till this day, I cannot remember his name. He was in there for extortion, and he was definitely a federal dude that had done about 12th. views. He wasn't a rat or anything.

Yeah. I was in there with this Persian guy that used to like, he had like the best tubberware. He must have been doing 15 years because he came from a prison where he ordered in a catalog. Remember that old tubberware that was white and had the blue lid and the blue lid. It didn't have the snap.

It was like, it was just like a fucking circus tent. And he had this tubberware Lee that he just had old spices that when we cleaned that wouldn't come off. And this motherfucker and marinate all our food for us, man. That was his hustle.

Hey, I'll cook for you guys. Just give me a book. And you guys do the dishes. It really fucking is crazy. So this Italian guy put together like irons. You know, I know. Yeah.

I know exactly what you mean. All right. So he took the rod out. And some days he made spaghetti sauce. But his claim to fame was cheese for nachos.

Oh, he probably melted it with the stinger. So he took the stinger. He would melt the cheese and he put jalapenos in there in salsa and another type of cheese. And he would start at 7 in the morning on Monday. So again, they would be ready for Monday night football. Oh, smart. And then he would take the sauce in the one. And then the other one, he would boil water all day long.

Just boil water. throw spaghetti in there for four minutes take it out give your bowl of spaghetti from under that football it's fucking crazy delicious too it's crazy Lee imagine Lee when you're in prison they

they take away salt and sugar so a motherfucker steal that shit or they get it in a package and they're marinating shit and you your taste buds have been in prison too your taste buds have been in prison and you eat this shit it's like fucking heaven

Why do they take away your salt and your sugar? Arnold Schwarzenegger was mad that... It's not that him. It's, okay, look it, when you're in prison, you belong to California now. So if you're getting diabetes and cancer, they have to treat you. You're their property. That's terrible. Okay.

We used to make grilled cheese. You know those old heaters, the ones that are like metal and they have like a little gap in between? Right. We used to put a paper bag with bread, cheese, and... leave it in there for 15 minutes. If the bag was sweaty, you had yourself a sandwich. The same...

If the bag is sweaty, the sandwich is ready? Yeah, that's good. If the bag is sweaty, the sandwich is ready. I'll show you show. And it wasn't just any sandwich. George, you have to describe the people like when you became friends to somebody. Oh, man, that was the weirdest shit.

Like when Lee of me and you hooked up, okay? Right. We became friends, and then we worked together, and Next thing you know, we got a hustle together. Maybe we made three extra bucks a week because we did something. But then one night, you're like, hey, man, it's a Jewish holiday tonight. Come on over my thing. I don't know anybody.

And I come over there and you got two cans of sardines. Oh, right? Soaked and mustard with two packages of saltine crackers that you got from the store. Sounds delicious. You got two cans of Coke. And you and me become fucking buddies. Blood heroes. Now you're saying.

That's sick. Watch TV here with me. Yeah. And now we watch like fucking the Sopranos and six feet under. After we ate two cans of sardines, forget about it. Now, the following Sunday, I show up with Tostinos, little pizza bites. You get the sardines. I get potato chips and fucking stamenia.

So do you have people selling you money? Or how do you? You got, for me, I had two ways. my girlfriend would bring in stuff or we had a 20 minute furlough to the store every day seven days a week. But how do you get the money for that? It goes in your books. They send it to the prison

and then it's in record. Or you work. Yeah, for me it was different. I used to work in the kitchen and then also my friends and family would send me money or I would send them package orders. There's a package you can order in there and you check all the stuff that you want and you send it to them. Oh, man, I've had some fucking great meals in there. We made tamales for Christmas.

Burritos. Fucking atomic dogs. Atomic dog is the shit. They really, really fucking do a lot of good things. Yeah. Atomic dog is a hot dog, not in hot dog bread, but we curl the bread. Hot dog, mayonnaise, mustard, Cheetos, Fritos, string beans, fucking corn, anything you can find. Straight diabetes heaven.

I'm not going to... Excuse me. I'm not going to sit here and tell you leave that. It was fucking clubbed, and I went skiing every day. But I will tell you one thing. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I agree with this.

It happened to me at the perfect time in my life when I needed to get slowed down a little bit. Straight up, Joey. It really gave me a chance to when you're in a cell, when somebody, when you finally come to terms when there's nothing you could do because for the first

three days after the judge sentences you, you obviously start rerunning episodes of law and order again. And you start coming up with your own presidents and shit. But when you finally come to the conclusion that you're

sitting here and you're going to go to a diagnostic, and then you're going to go somewhere. Once you come to a conclusion, it's not that it hurts but it hurts so much it becomes numbing and it takes a few people

who come back from that from that being numb and then not only feeling numb on the way in but then seeing what you've never seen before in your life straight

straight up brutality survivors and I'm not going to tell you that this happens that you're present I'm not going to tell this is everybody's experience what I'm telling you is is that you might see shit

until they shock you shock fuck yes the worst thing you ever saw was I remember dog my first day in there Lee well I'll never forget it man it says

no no warning shots on the wall all right and what does that mean no warning shots is when there's a fire or a riot, they're not going to shoot that they shoot you at blocks or rubber pellets. All right?

So they're not going to just, no, they're going to shoot right at you. And it's pretty fucking crazy dog. It goes down. Like, I remember flipping the fuck out. I watch you in my first fight.

Fool's falling out. It's pretty crazy, dog. So your first day, are you scared to be there? Well, it's only your first day in prison. I was only scared because, like, I heard like your older homies tell you how to act.

Huh. Comey, tap out. So tell me, so your friends, when you... Okay, look, before you go in, your homies, like, look, dog, check it out. This is who you talk to. Right. This is not how you act.

You don't fucking roll it up. You don't do none of that shit. And then you get there and then they get you off the bus and they're like get fucking butt naked and you get butt naked and you walk through these offices where people are in suits there's women there's guys there's cops yos and then that's when you flip the fuck out that's when you realize it set in oh he's in the bathroom yeah yeah i think i think he went in the bathroom to try to do a bump off the toilet no i know um okay so just said that last something I'm sorry.

The last sentence I said was once you're butt naked and you're walking through like cops, male and female cops, you realize you're just a number now and like you're in someone else's world. Yeah, dog. It's different. You know, I remember it was all cool

because I got sentenced on a Monday and by Tuesday morning they sent me to Summit County. and Summit County Jail was like fucking a playground. It's a ski resort. So I started the first night. I know you can wear your own clothes, your own cell. After you get your first commissary, they got TVs and radios and raises and mirrors. Yeah, we didn't get my last.

And if you tip the guard $10 at night at about 11, when the ship commander left, he'd go to A&P and buy your groceries that night. So if you want to put pretzels or potato chips, Fuck, I wish. So the first week I was there It was cool. They came to me and they told me the truth. They said, listen, by the way, you're not going to be,

you're going to be here towards the holidays. It's September and I accepted it. I said, you know what? That's going to be none even. It was still August. I said, you know what? Fuck it. I'm going to be there.

It isn't this bad. It's two hours away from my girlfriend. I got money on my books. I could send them to the AMP. I had money in the locker room so I can pay the grocery thing. on Friday night, he would let us watch TV

outside till one, and then you could watch TV to whatever time you wanted to in your room. There was only three channels, Lee. But it's better than fucking being than anything. And I became friends of the dude from New York, and it was great. But there was two dudes in there

that were kind of fucking peculiar, George. Oh, yeah, they've been there. They're checking you out. Two white dudes. One white dude would talk to me, and the other guy was his yes, man. Okay. No big deal.

Boom. Diaz. Wake up. You're going to Canyon City diagnostic. That means the time come. You're going to the big boy. Catching the chain.

I'm there for five days, six days, and it's been tremendous, but that lie they told me, I played a good attorney. My attorney told me who's going to get me through the system quickly

so I go up in front of the judge and get my sentence reconsidered. Yeah. So I said, okay, they got me through the fucking thing. Diagnostic, boom. First night's cool. second night's cool you know you hear yelling all night this ain't the life you had before you're sleeping

on a tin bed and it's 80 fucking degrees link and you ain't getting comfortable now you smell everybody's fucking farts you know so now we're sitting there fuck that like the third day we're in the fucking thing i don't forget this bro you ready i'm ready and it's four guys to a table okay now the section i was in had this black dude that was that was in had this black dude that would was a beep bopper, but he was funny as fuck. Now, at this time, it was 1987, and I can't tell you a majority, but I can tell you, there was a good bunch of crips and bloods there because they were bringing cocaine into Colorado.

Yes, turning off. It was no big deal. They were getting arrested every weekend. They were blacked. As soon as they come over the border, what are you doing? You know, I came to ski. You're black. Open up the ski bag.

A thousand pieces of rock to come out of it. shit. So there was a bunch of Crips and Bloods in there. Okay. I don't know nothing about this shit. You know me, dog. I know about Coke and women. Yeah, not that much. I know nothing about Crips and Bloods. I find out in there. If you're a slob, nigger, you know, you're blood. Yeah. Or whatever they call them. They don't have those in Jersey, right? Crimson Bluffs back in your days? I have no idea. But back in when you were there, they didn't. I knew nothing. Maybe they did. Maybe I just never saw it. I didn't run in Newark. I didn't run in Canada.

Those are different. That's where those crips and bloods were invented, those crazy places. Well, they started off in L.A. And then they went over there. I'm just making a joke. Oh, okay. I don't know what's going on. But I do know we're at lunch one day.

It was like shit that you're going to sell all day long, but you only leave yourself for fucking lunch dinner. Yeah, they give you an hour. The showers every two days. Every three days you take a shower. It's a great program. You could only flush the toilet twice a day. Yeah.

So you got a shit in there and live with the shit in there until nighttime and then save the flush for at night. You have no fucking idea, Lee. So I get to the thing I sit down. And it's me, one of the dudes I became, I talked with a white dude maybe. And there's a black dude here. And the black dude that was sitting here was a dude. I told you that was a jive dude. That was funny.

Maybe D.C. Whatever. then while he's sitting there, he starts jibba jabbing, which I didn't understand. I'm not saying nothing disrespectful. He starts saying something about Crip. This is Crip, and they go, you know,

blah, blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden, you know, and now there's 60 people in a dining room, and everybody hears this shit. It's totaled my 10th day in, and I'm finally in the Valley of Darkness. And this is Crip, nigger. You know, blah, blah.

As a matter of fact, I heard that punk ass right there, right there, right there. Look up at me, motherfucker. I heard that you fell out of a tree with a bag of am and amos and a leather jacket on and shit. And I was sitting there and I just busted out. I didn't know I couldn't bust out or I could bust out. I didn't know what the rules were. But he just made a joke and I was laughing. I don't know if he even said it that way, George.

When he goes, that motherfucker fell out of a tree, with a box of him and ams he was clown and he goes what the fuck are you talking about nigger I'm in here for fucking

straight up gangster murder he goes no you wait you're in here for child molestation bitch you know you molested

those kids you nasty that's a rap and bro listen from the fucking over there I saw a black

dude eat his last pork chop and that piece of cornbread and he took that 10 yeah

and he started the banging that black dudes had until blood started squirting. And that was my second day of diagnostic. I was like, okay. I hope those push-ups worked. So where does that guy get, the guy who hit the guy's head? Oh, they got to catch them first.

Nobody saw. Nobody saw nothing. What do you know when it's on those cameras? There's no cameras in those days. There's no cameras in those days. Only in federal prison. There's cameras on level one, level two yards, not in maximum security.

How are they not? cameras in prison. In those days Lee it wasn't how it is now. The camera was black and white and blurry. Lee, there can't be cameras. Do you know how many fucking C-Os? They caught the guy just right. There's a thousand holes. So people come

to you and go Lee, you got to beef with Diaz. Yeah, listen. After lunch, he walks through D Block but he goes around the office there. There's not a camera in Miles hide in the bathroom and get him when he goes

true and pull them into the bathroom and stab them they'll never see you do it lee yeah they don't have cameras either because the cops will get in so much trouble from what they're doing so now you stab me lee you cut me open i go down george is waiting outside you pass the knife on to george george keeps walking i'm out george passes the knife to another friend of his gives it to another friend of his for ten dollars that's a good knife it's got blood on it it works it's sharp you know what I'm saying That's a good piece right there, G money. That's more than a piece.

That's a firearm. You have a strap now. You can hide that motherfucker, bury it. That's survival league. Let me give some shout-outs real kick. The funny, blunt truth. Quick drama, Grogh, Chris Lister, Paul Contanilla, Frankie Trailer, Brian Moody, Dustin Renfram,

Alyssa, Casimir, and my man, Ray, motherfucker, Taylor. Like I told you, Irvine is sold out. George Perez will be there with me. Yes. But I'll be at the Nova Theater downtown at the Microsoft December 3rd. I'll be at the Observatory in San Diego, the 4th, and the Observatory in San Antonio. I'm opening up for my main man, Wheeler, Walker, motherfucker, Jr.

I'm telling you get tickets because you're going to go quick. They're cheap. And this is it. This is comedy and country. Come together. rated. Take it a leave of it, bitches. We're making a comeback. But anyway, back to George Perez.

You said something very interesting. George, I know you says we were kids. Jesus Christ. I was a kid. I'm lucky, dog. We go back to 2006 because Maryland was still alive. Yeah. And we shot the show. And before that, I knew you were not like the rest of the people.

You had heart, and you were loyal. And I knew that you had walked down the corner There were death once before. And then some shit went down. We'd take the Showtime special. You came out of there. It's like you came out like, you came out like, you know, like Joe Gallo. Like you came out, focused.

Oh, yeah. Well, they take away everything you have. Like, in there in prison, all you have is time to think of what you want to do. And when you're out, you're like, it's time to fucking do it. It's just really weird. You came out. And within three weeks, you have a book in the room. And I looked at you and I go, this fucking kid.

You know, I thought you'd come out angry. I was, but I wasn't. And they have no idea how lucky they ought to be back doing comedy. And you hadn't really missed the beat. Some of the same steps were out. They disappeared. Yeah, I trip out on that. You're doing what you're doing now.

It's crazy how, you know, I hate saying this word, but we're very fortunate to watch the game how it changed. Now, when we got here, there were people who were untouchable, and now the people are dead. Yes. Their careers are dead. They can't adapt to what's happening. And here we are still doing comedy,

which is the main purpose of our mission here, you know. I look at it so like that, how fortunate you are. Sometimes a guy like Lee goes to college, and he comes out and he wants to be something. something, but he ends up doing this and this and this. And you know what? He ends up making a little money down the wrong run, because they're specialized in this field.

But it really wasn't what he thought it was going to be. He thought he was going to be something completely different. And sometimes that's what life is all about. It's calling on Audible and going with something that you really fucking were. Straight up. You came out of fucking prison and went right forward. It took me two, three years to get on stage. I was such a half a fag.

You had already established yourself before you went in there. People knew who you were. It was like when John Gotti went to jail for stabbing the Irishman, people talked about you like that. Like he's getting out in six months. He's getting out in three months. He's getting out in two months, you know. Yeah, I was, A, I was waiting, man,

because I was in prison and they were rerunning all the specials on MTV I came out on. They were showing videos. I was in Bakersfield, and I guess you guys were doing a show in Bakersfield. filled up. I was so a comedy slam. I was like, fuck, I should be on that show. You know, people always write me little notes, and they say creepy

things that I'm in inspiration and shit like that and I appreciate everything, but I thought it was. You inspired a fuck out of me, George, because this is a tough action, man. This is a tough racket. By the way, Lee, I've got to ask you something. Yes, sir. What's the place

you hang? You went last week. The open mic. The fourth wall, I think it's called. And it's on where. If you have the direct address for people. I can get it for you. It's on Burbank and a little past call fax. It's 30 yards from police station, guys. Now, if you hit the gas station, you went too far.

So you have to hit a gas station first. You can't park in that car. I know you can't, but you have to park around that area. But you see a 7-Eleven. You park your car. don't park in that's in 11th, they'll tell you. Park your car down the block, walk the dirty fucking yards.

It's always parking in front of a police station. Yeah. Always parking in front of a police station. There's a dry cleaner back there. There's another republic. There's a Japanese restaurant. No, do not eat back there. We ate back there.

He's left. No, you took me there. I did take a lead to a half. I didn't eat there. You took me there. It wasn't bad, but the salmon. It was kind of brown. 116-7-4.

And their open went. they're open every night are they open Saturdays and Sunday but let me let me check we gotta start going there because if I get the

Nephtick special I work out start from scratch yeah I got some ideas I got about six or eight weeks for a half hour

oh you got it dog I got it if I don't get it then we got to work a different angle I'm going to take a little break and stand up maybe do a little action

get back into the action for a few months. Get my fucking pension going. I'm getting old. I'm not getting nothing. I feel you. If I can play a dad in a couple of these roles.

Go for it. Now, you are the perfect dad at the same time. You got to point there. What's going on, Lee? What did you find out? I can't find that. But when I was there, I think I'm pretty sure

they said it was every night, six and eight, and then they might have even more. And it's really cool because it's like I know how this colony. You know what? It's hell. It's eight comics, and you've got to go up there and do six minutes for $5.

Oh, wow. It's one of those deals, joins. It takes you back to basics. When I was there, it was just whoever, the guy just counted how many of her comics were then. We got the time divided by comics. That's what he did. And was there another show afterward? At eight, yeah.

That's crazy. Listen, man. So I like the 6 o'clock one here. That's New York City comedy when I went back to New York for those. nine months and I thought I was going back to Broadway into the glitter and hang out with Liza Minnelli. There was no lies of Monelli, Doug. What do you mean there's no liens of Manelli? It would say it, open mic at Leo Steakhouse. And you got the Leo Steakhouse. And yeah, there was an open mic but in the basement with no windows and no air conditioning.

And you were up there with sex comics in the audience and you had to pay $3 to get in and $3 for a water and the bartender was a dick and the waitress was a bigger fucking dick and you had to go up there and pay and do seven minutes and die a slow death then walk out of there and think about yourself like really it's a lot of money die this what i want to fucking do in my life is living fucking torture but i look at those things and i saw what they built yeah built humility that's what they built and sometimes like i was telling them george you know uh i'm not a young dude, bro. I'm very happy that I'm fortunate, I'm healthy at the time.

I can still do five shows a week and give it my heart. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I know exactly what you're saying. I'm not up there being a robot. I live in the now. To do that type of work at my age, you do two weeks, you're good for two or three weeks.

You follow me? You get motivated. You go back out there. I got to tell you something, George, you don't see me at the comedy store a lot. I can't be out or two in the fucking morning, one in the morning. The comedy store takes you out to a war. It's commitment to comedy store. It's a fun place. Yeah, I'm there right after this.

You know, and it's funny how I want to have to, I wish I get to Netflix thing because it's going to bring, I want to go back to the beginning. I want to go back to Rocky One. Yeah, you want to go to the gym again. You want to go to Apollo's gym. I'm going back to the gym again. I'm going back to the gym again. That's how, you know, anybody could do it said at the comedy store. I've already done a million up there.

Yeah. But to go back to the gym, to take three open micas and say, yo, call me at night. Let me know where you're headed. I'll be down there in 10 minutes. Not to sell tickets. Yeah. Not to sell tickets.

Just to go up. I'm going to go up there and talk about dumb shit. And every night I'm going to go up and put it on my iPhone, those 10 minutes. And every night you get one gem. Yeah. And you write it down and you get two gems, three gems, four gems, five gems, ten gems. And there you go. Three minutes on each gem.

What do you got? That's special. 30 minutes. Baboom, that's what you're fucking seeking. And that's the formula. If not, I'm going to go to the store and go into deep waters and think my material sucks because I'm not delivering with oomph. I can tell when I'm at the store

and I can tell when I'm in the road. I'm two different fucking comments. Okay. I'm a powerhouse on the road. I ain't fucking around. I reserve myself all day. If not I would have brought my kids and got the turd. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I sit in that room all day and just perk you. Like a fucking time bomb. Perculate. Yeah. Love that fucking word. They don't percolate coffee no more. That's the thing of the 80s.

Uncle Joey's still percolate, bitch. That's E-40. What, Lee? What, what, what, Lee? What is your problem? I don't have any problems, sir. Everything good, buddy? Yeah, everything's good.

You had a good weekend? Yeah, I had a good weekend. God bless you. I'm enjoying therapy. I'm trying stuff that has scared me before. Well, I guess so it's... Like what? What scares you?

Like eating chiroid fries? Eating what? Carrot fries. Like, it just petrifies them. I can't... I don't like orange things in my mouth. I know what I'm saying. You don't like Cheetos?

None of that shit? I love Cheetos. He blew a camp council one time that had VD and he put Oh God on his dick. Remember that shampoo? There was lemons in it? Yeah. And it turned your dick yellow if you wash your dick with it by mistake.

Sun in or something? Sunny and he sucked an orange d. dick and I can't eat carrots six carrots one of my camp council is listens to this podcast but like no least we're gonna speak we're gonna do a therapy uh podcast and this summer so people could start the new year thinking about what lee's talking about so don't say that but no uh what are your changes for 2018 what do you want to make happen brother i'm gonna so i'm gonna cut out soda out of my life uh it's hard yeah i've done it before I'm going to definitely cut out.

What do you drink instead? I drink water with like lemon or like just water and juice. Like that's one thing prison helped me. That's all I got was water and water. And milk. Now, you guys don't scare yourselves. No. My mother had a bar.

And at the bar, she had Coke and seven up. Oh, yeah. They had racks. They had racks and they had bottles and there was soda that was somebody else made, but it was the same soda. And it was called like Coke Pop and fucking lime up. And I would drink that shit constantly until today. I'm scared of that whole time period because between the ages of four and fucking 40, that's all I drank was fucking soda. Yeah, but it was different in your time, Joey.

No, it was not. It was real Coca-Cola, real fucking sugar in it. They poured on fucking the hood of a car. But it was in bottles. Who gives a fuck if it's in fucking somebody's pussy And you're sipping out with a straw It don't fucking matter It's still Coca-Cola in your system

Yeah And you think about all I drink Coca-Cola now And I can't do it I can't I can't believe I weaned myself off a cup It hurts a little It took 10 years

No The Coke Zero with a ton of ice cubes And the new one with the Sotiba in it The Sabina Have you ever gone from Not drinking soda for a while then to have a can of soda? It's horrible.

It hurts your mouth. It's like, it's horrible. I was addicted to soda. I was addicted to Coca-Cola. There wasn't a meal that tasted right. Fucking water. What am I? Prisoner war.

I got to drink fucking water. Like I'm on the episode of Ireland. Suck my dick. Give me fucking two cans of Coke with plenty of ice cubes. I'm eating pork fried rice. I'm already going to hell. Yeah. But no, even when I went to Chinese food this time,

I drink water. Yeah, I mean, I prefer a juice, like a tea. I like tea. That's what I started to drink now. I'm drinking tea. Yeah. Tea is fantastic. It's that fucking, you know what's killing America, bro?

I see it all the time. The energy drinks? Nope. Sugar? Nope. Well, you're in the ballpark. Stress. That's one of the factors, but fucking Starbucks.

Yeah, Starbucks. Starbucks is destroying America. I see these fucking people who are ginormous. They're about to bust through the seams. And they've got basically an 800 sugar calorie for breakfast. You know what that does to your appetite the rest of the day? See, I didn't know this until I was like 35. And somebody sat me down and go, come here for a second.

You know that soda? You have a breakfast every day with your eggs? You think it's cute? Let me show you what it does to your body the rest of the day. Does it like lock it in? It does something that it makes your body crave sugar the rest of it. Yes. So now all day long you crave it sugar and food with sugar in it that you don't even know has sugar in it.

Yeah, like Twinkies. No, like a steak sandwich with a certain sauce on it. Oh, okay. And that sauce is... Everything with corn and corn syrup. Okay. Yeah, corn dick, whatever the fuck. You know,

I'm saying like it's just really weird it's like when I was 19 I worked with a carpenter and this guy was cool as shit I don't know what his fucking name was guys he had a problem he fucking drove a car off a cliff killed him so no he was like

0.22 fucking level alcohol and he lived but at that time they didn't really know about DUIs no they were it was it wasn't a profit yet there was enough no it was 1983 they didn't They didn't catch him. They didn't take a blood test, but they wanted him to take a drug, an alcohol class.

And one Saturday or Sunday, I was doing something. He goes, listen, I'll tell you what, if you take the ride with me, I'll drive you there and back for free. Just come to the first class with me, tell me you're my brother. So I went, I'm never forget this. And they said, this is what happens to you when you drink alcohol in the first 30 minutes. And they broke down what happens to every part of your body. And then they compared it to what happens when you smoke marijuana. It was two different worlds. Right there, I was in the, no alcohol frame. And after I saw that video, I never really wanted to drink again. Even though last night I was sitting there in the house.

My wife was sleeping, the baby was sleeping. There was nothing I wanted to watch. I was going over the lines for an audition. I wanted in the refrigerator to get some water. And guess what I seen in a little fucking milk break. Some vodka. A little airplane bottle of, I was. Irish cream Bailey's.

I shook it up, I poured it, I put two ice cubes in and I left it out for about three, four, five, ten, seven minutes until the ice cube started melting. And I mixed it around and drank it like a gentleman by myself. Did I get fucked up? Fuck yeah. When Bailey's Irish cream

makes you feel like a Cosby victim, that's when you know your alcohol levels of fucking down. I can't drink for shit, Jack. So what else you want to do in 2008? I mean, you got this movie working. Yeah, I mean, I'm writing some other shit. Locally.

Yeah, I want to work on my, I want to put more content out. I'm going to start shooting like little sketches and shit. Hey, man, I just want to be relevant, bro. I want to be in everybody's mouth. And I just, I want to keep climbing and I'm just keep learning and getting better. I'm ready to start. You know, I've been in the game for a long time. Do I have an hour special?

No, but when it comes, it's going to come. I'm not going to cheat my fans. I can do it now. but my vision's there, but I don't know how to put it to my vision yet. It's coming. It's a very hard thing, especially when you want to put something out. This is going to be around forever, so you put something out. I've never had any really whatever, so I don't know what's out there.

You know, maybe they find pleasure and some other things. But no, no, no. I've seen your growth. Thank you, brother. I remember the special you shot at Sal's right before I went to prison. Oh, yeah. 10 of 2010. That was some crazy shit.

That is one of the worst pieces of footage. I have ever seen it all my life. It's right before I met you. I went down there so unprepared. You were nervous as fuck. It wasn't that I was nervous, George. It was that, you know,

what's that song? There's a time to fold. No when to hold them. No one to hold them. No one to fold them. Fuck, what is that song? You know, Kenny Rogers, the Gambler. I've seen so many people in this town make mistakes, but you're not here to bust anybody's dreams. When somebody comes to me and says,

bro, you're not going to believe this. I got an idea. I'm going to shoot a special on my high school. Oh, my God. They're going to shoot it for free and blah, blah, blah, and then you go good luck to you. And you can't figure out why they're shooting a special. You can't figure it out.

And they come to you in Mungleana. I love the guys that come to you and say, I got a special, I'm shooting for $3,000. I got hooked up. Wait till you see it. Wait till you listen to it. There's going to be a by the way somewhere. That $3,000, you fucked up.

Lost it. You fucked up. I made a $7,000 investment. I ate a bag of dick. After everything, it cost me like 10, I ate a bag of dicks. I took the loss like a man. But I learned a valuable asses.

That's how you teach a man a lesson. Hit him in the fucking pocket. Yeah, for real. You hit yourself in the pocket, and that's how you learn a valuable lesson, and you shut your mouth and your mind and your business. When comedy dynamics wanted to shoot the special, I didn't want to shoot it.

Lee, am I lying to you? No. I didn't want to shoot it. Eventually, they gave me a number that worked. It didn't really work. But for what I had going on, I might as well jump on it. But that whole business is a way.

weird business. Yeah. I wish to God there was somebody with 60 grand and I go, you know what, here's the 60. Let's go shoot at this place. Boom, boom, boom. Get the copyright, you know, whether it's Netflix, HBO, blah, blah, blah,

we control the whole thing and that's it. You know, we'll split the investment or something like that. If it gets copyrighted than that, we sell CDs online, we figure it out. There's always a way to do it. But then what my point is, and there's a way and when to do it. Timing is everything.

I've seen so many comics throw away $100,000 of dollars. The thinking they're going to put some out. The biggest joke in this industry is web series. I love these guys that spend all this money on the web series and nobody knows who the fuck they are. And not one of them even decides to get a fucking web presence a year before he puts out the series. To have a web series, you have to have a web presence.

And then the web series falls into place. but to just think people you know you have a big platform from nine to five we can talk about this shit forever I'm just as fuck Jack I'm sorry George you're fine you and the red shirt

it's tremendous you remind me of American me I'm waiting for fucking Jimmy Smith's to knock on the door I'll stab his ass always a pleasure to see you bro what dates you got coming up tomorrow I'm at the comedy store Monday at Secret Show me Red Band Brendan Shob Christina Hutchinson from the Guys We Fuck podcast

Yeah, tomorrow night And Wednesday, you're with me and Irvine Me, you, D-Agg Yep And Thursday I'll be at the house Just because of you, dog I'm getting Boston Market this year Are you really?

Yeah, I'm not cooking one this year Don't do it I was just joking around There's got to be a cousin that you can pay somebody A small 20 to make a turkey for you I really don't like that shit You don't like the Spanish turkey?

I don't like it, I'm over it Like, what do you want? Honestly? Listen, like you and me, I got to be honest for you. If you like, you come home with my house. Here's the problem with thanksgiving with me. I eat turkey one time. I eat that prison stuffing, some mashed potatoes.

You got a piece of pumpkin pie with some whipped cream on it. Hit the road, and I'm good, too. My wife sits there with the turkey. What do you want tomorrow? Turkey sandwich? Listen, I don't even want to see a turkey sandwich again unless I go to county jail. Oh, I get surgery. You ever get surgery?

They always hit you with a turkey sandwich. You got surgery. Yeah, because it's healthy. That shit with the fucking little sperm on it. It's like a thin coating of sperm at the hospital with the American cheese and the mayonnaise that comes in a package with the apple juice tremendous. It makes you sleepy. That's why they give it to you too. Well, if you're half a fag, I can eat 10 turkeys and nothing happens.

They call it triptophan, but that shit don't work on Uncle Joey. You know what I'm saying? Lisa, how are we feeling, my brother? I'm feeling pretty good. What are we doing for Thanksgiving? What do you disclose what we're doing? Talk to me. I'm not sure.

I was going to go to Vegas for a second, but I think I'm going to stay here. And I think I'm going to go to Paul's mom for a minute, and then I'll be LSU. And then maybe I'll go to Vegas Friday. Who knows? I think you're making a good move. I think you should partake with your family

on Thanksgiving Day and then go to bed nice and early about eight. Get a little Sukalaminka in the morning before you leave. get on the 101 and about nine right you get there about one two you can't check in till three you stop up your favorite stomboli place make sure you work out good next week you do push-ups and kettlebells well i'm excited i i have uh troy conrad taking my my pictures in december is he really oh yeah he's a great he's getting into the commercial business that's what's

try he's been telling me for years i mean you live in los angeles i have no company you would non-union. All these commercials you see 65% of them are non-union now. That's why all these people are getting early pensions. That's why all these people are saying, you know what, fuck it, I'll go out. Because there's a way to shoot non-union commercials when you sag, but you have to give up your benefits. Oh, fuck that. You have to give up some type of benefits. So you're still got a pension, but not ever since you, they call it something. I'm not sure. Don't quote me on it. So is it a mistake to go union? Like if I go my first day and they're like,

you do great at this. For the next year, you do nine union commercials and you make a hundred grand. Is that possible? Lee, you live in the city or anything's possible. You have more of a chance of doing that than fucking, let's pretend you go for a commercial and you get Mattel like a fucking dwarf. And they put like a Vinny Warhead hat on you. No offense.

I'll do it for Mattel money. I'm just saying it to you. And all of a sudden, George is the director of marketing for something, and he thinks you're perfect for the mascot, for some travelosity channel. You look that little fucking hat on, and they shoot you, you know, whatever time scale, and then you shoot 22 commercials like that chick from fucking whatever.

What do you think that puts in your pocket? I have no idea. Not to mention the sag in shirts. Not to mention that you played during the Super Bowl, Are I union or non-union in that situation? Lee, at this point in life, who knows? Because after the strike, it fucked it all up. Gotcha.

Now, let's pretend you get a union job. Okay. Then you get the union job. Let's pretend in a year and another union job, that means your SAG eligible. That means before you shoot that commercial, you're going to get a call. Hi. My name is George Perez. I work for SAG.

I see here you booked a commercial from Panasonic. There's only one flaw here that, uh, you're elizabeth for sag and the only way to shoot this sag commercials where you're becoming sag not tomorrow we'll be open from nine to five we take visa master card we also take a finance plan how are you planning on paying for this and you're like paying for what and then like to join the screen actor's skill now it's uh 32 50 to join and you're like 32 000 50 cents no no no no sir let me bring it down to you sir it's three thousand two hundred fifty dollars to join Wow.

It's probably 2,500 right now, 2750. It was 1250 when I got here, and I got it waived because the production company paid for it, but they don't do that no more. No, those days are over. Those days are over. So, yeah, Lee, what do you got to lose? You live here, you go to a nice commercial agent, you start getting calls. In the afternoons, you got somewhere to go now. You can mingle.

You meet new people. I went to an audition. I went to two auditions the last week. And I gotta tell you something. One was in Burbank and the other one was in Hollywood somewhere. I didn't want to go and didn't want to be. At both places, you know what,

I felt a little rejuvenated. And that's why I asked my agents. I said, every time I talk to you guys, all you talk about is fucking me going here and me going there. How about the other nine floors in your building? Did you ever consider me, you know, though I have a fucking IMDB rating of like 3,000? Yeah.

What are you doing? Why am I doing the road? road. Let's get back to the movies. Let's get back to some TV. And then once we've got to go, more going, then we'll talk about the road again. But for right now, there's no reason to keep me out there like a wet dog. There's no reason. I got a family, I got a wife, I got the podcast with Lee. I got to worry about, I'm right here with you, brother. But I'm proud you're still doing your thing. Lee Syed's doing his thing. Mama's doing her thing. She didn't need a fucking star of death tonight. But you know what? I don't blame you. You learn your lesson. You play with the devil.

you come back with a scar on your head. Anyway, it's Thanksgiving. The holidays are upon you, and you're still fucking around. You're still single. You don't know why. Every time you go on a date, the chick leaves the next, you don't even spend the night.

You know why? Because your balls and your assholes stink like debt, that's why. But now it's Thanksgiving. It's the time to express gratitude and recollect on what you're truly grateful for. This year, make sure when your family shits in your house, they leave with a clean asshole.

Get a tushy bidet. You're like, Joey, what's a bidet? It's a portable bidet that snaps on to any toilet, okay? And next thing you know, before you get up and waste two trees on wiping your ass and making it sore, tell them how this will go down. Oh, my God. It's going to change your life. You sit down, and with the twist, you only need two fingers. to twist it and twist and it twists and you're clean.

I have the cold water only one. I haven't tried the hot water one. The hot water is the way to go. I love the cold water. I like cold water. I like cold water. It wakes me up. I like it. I don't want cold water in my ass.

I want hot water nice, steamy to kill all the bacteria and all the bad fucking fungi. I go to the shower after to do that. That's a double clean. That's a tremendous clean. I mean, you care about your people. I do. You care about the people around you. But listen, talk is cheap.

Why let your parents and cold parents. and grandma walk around that house at that rotten ass and then sit on your couch watching the football games the rest of the day. Fuck them. Make sure when they go to your bathroom, they got a tushy in there, a portable bidet that snaps onto both bathrooms. And don't let them use your bathroom. Send them to the bathroom around the corner. Tell them that the pipe is broken in your bathroom. Nobody's sitting in your bathroom, you nasty motherfuckers. They come over with their nasty ass balls and shit. Fuck that. to the bathroom next to the garage. I don't give a fuck if it don't have eat. Hellotushy.com right now. Hellotushy.com. Use the code word church for 10% off your order. The best bidet in the business, it's $69 with a free risk 60 day trial. Listen to me. It's time you clean your asshole. Hellotushy.com will do that for you. Use the code word church for 10% off Your order. Number two, let me tell you something. It's the holidays. You're going to binge. You're going to eat. It's acceptable. But now you're going to start the year off and you want to eat healthy. This is where Uncle Joey comes in. You're ready? Blue Apron. Joey, what's Blue Apron? It's the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. Blue Apron's mission is to make everybody an incredible home-cooked meal accessible to everyone. They achieved this. by supporting a more sustainable food system,

setting higher standards for ingredients and building a community of home chefs. Blue Apron offers three plans. The two-person plan. Meals that serve two people, choose from eight new recipes per week. The family meal plan. Meals that serve four people

and choose from four new recipes per week with a choice to receive either two, three, or four recipes any week, and the wine plant. Oh, six bottles of wine from renewed winemakers delivered monthly. Let me tell you something. You have no idea how great blue apron is. What's the last thing you had on Blue Apron?

I had the crispy chicken tenders with hot honey, potato salad, and marinated cucumber. I love potato salad. So I was really excited to get to learn how to make it. And the chicken tenders are you bread them a little bit, but then you pan, you cook them in the pan. It's great. Let me tell you the recipe for the month. Butter squash pasta with kale and brown butter walnut.

Ooh, roasted chicken and four vegetables with cranberry and ginger compact. Can you make that? No. Baramundi with mixed mushrooms with jasmine rice and napper cabbage. You've never dreamed of making that. Look at this one. Seared steaks with garlic butter. with oven fries and romaine salad.

Are you kidding me or what? Listen, do me and yourself a favor. Blue Apron is going to take care of the church of what's happening now. The family to their first dinner. They're going to buy it. That's it. A $30 value of you visit blue apron.com slash Joey. So check out this week's menu.

Again, it starts off with the seed steak. garlic butter with oven fries and romaine lettuce. Can you imagine making that after dinner? You invite you a little girly pool over and you put that on the dish? Forget about it. The rest of the night it's nothing but, you know, the goods. Anyway, Blue Apron is treating my listeners the first to their first dinner. At $30 value, visit blueapen.com slash Joey.

That's blue apron.com slash joey. You know why? because Blue Apron is a better way to cook. Remember, families that cook together, stay together. Also, the holidays are coming. Blue Friday, Black Friday, Jewish people up and down Friday. I don't know what to tell you. Everybody's looking for a TV set.

I'm going to hook you up with the best ghee in the business. Fuji ghee, period. Go to Fuji.com. Fujisports.com right now, pressing church. I'm going to give you 10% off. any gie me i got the super radio i got the psycho s e i ko the s e i ko the saco the saco and i got the elemental especially a blue one that they sent me i haven't got it down that's where i go on tuesdays with the elemental i show up with the blue elemental and that's how we do it as usual a real pleasure

to have my brother george prezell to show them watching make growth to see somebody else who was locked up and did something instead of becoming a fucking statistic like the rest of us we uh we became a different statistic so that'll be uh uh what it'll be in 2017 yeah i got out in 2009 november 21st that's what eight years yeah no this is how it is you find it's a trip you find something that overpowers your ability to want to do something and listen it took the comedy a long time to overpower the cocaine yeah i'm not gonna sit here on boshy you cocaine and comedy go hand in hand after you have a great set you get all Your friend gives you a bump.

You get free drink tickets, but who needs a drink ticket? You already gave the Filipino guy at 20. When you walked in, you're drinking double makers market whiskeys that would kill a meal. You got Uber on standby. You got the Armenian waiting by the House of Blues under a tree waiting for the signal. It's going down. So it's tough. But hey, listen, life goes on.

Brother Lee, what's up? I always went, George, when you first went to prison, do you think you were going to be able to make it back when you got out like did you think you're gonna be able to make it back to comedy yeah when i first got there that wasn't on my mind the only thing on my mind was to survive and like stay it you're not thinking comedy when you're in there i didn't think of comedy until a guard recognized me i didn't want no one to know i was a comic and because i wanted less contact with people you don't want you don't want everyone saying fucking hidey and all that shit right okay yeah but when i got out joey was the first one i ever performed with

So, but I'm just talking about even just career-wise. Oh, career-wise? Like, yeah, where you're like, oh, fuck, my life's over? I did think that I was just like, you know what? But I didn't know I was such a rookie comic still that I just, I don't know, dog. Lee, I come from, there's nothing stopping me, dog. I'm 40 years old. Like, I wasn't thinking that I was just like, you know what?

I got to get in this prison, not get stabbed no one and catch extra shit. I need to do my time when I get out. I gotta fucking get my grind back on. Your career would never stop. Even if God forbid something happened tomorrow I ended up back in the prison. Yeah. Within six months, a prison guard

would come up to me and go listen. Thursday nights. Want you do a comedy show? Yeah, I should do them in there. And they'll pay you this for the education fund or something. And next thing you know, there's your career. And you're helping other people get their career. That's what I'm thinking about going back to one of those places.

again, they're doing comedy because I want to be around young comics. They inspire you. Yeah, true. Watch what the fuck they're doing, and you're like, that's what these motherfuckers are doing. Mix it with what I'm doing. Are you kidding me? You ever see like a baseball team that they're young? And then for some reason

they get an old guy. Yeah, the cubbies. And then that one old guy has the year of his fucking life. He gets 22 home runs and 16 RBIs and he's up for the Golden Glove Award. Why? Because those young guys, taught him new fucking tricks.

You follow what I'm saying to you? Pay attention, Lee. You bad motherfucking. George Perez, what's the name of your podcast? George Perez stories. I'm going to come on before the end of the year. Thank you, man. I would love to have you and Lee.

And I love Lee Syatt. Have a great day, Lee. We've been back Tuesday. Stay black. See you motherfuckers in Sacktown with my brother, Wheeler Walker. On the third, fourth, and fifth. Have a good night.

Have a good day. Have a good week. Happy now. We'll see before Thanksgiving. Ciao. Late.