The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #537 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 27, 2017

Tom Segura, Comedian seen on Netflix and heard as the co-host of the "Your Mom's House" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!     Recorded live on 11/26/2017.  

Let's fucking try it. Welcome to Podcastville. The Church of What's Happening now is brought to you by Nature Box. Listen, the goods. The holidays mean one thing. Go, go, go. You got presents to wrap, travel to plan, relatives to brace for. With all that, it can be hard to find time to eat healthy.

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Jesus Christ. Anyway, that's naturebox.com slash Joey. And I'm going to give you 50% off your first order. Again, naturebox.com slash joey. Now, what goes up? Must come down and what goes in must go out The reason why I'm talking to you right now is I've been telling you this for about a year, but now I'm gonna drop it on you But days are back when you're writing your little Santa list this year tell that cock sucker one thing that he still owes your money

And two that all you want for Christmas is your asshole to fucking be spotless clean When you got access pine cones coming out of your fucking muffler and fudgy shit shit, smear it all over. On holy night, you need a tushy bidet, all right. What's a bidet? A bidet is portable. You're snapping on your toilet. And after you take the shit of debt, you push the button and water hits your asshole.

And let me tell you something, you kill three birds or one stone. I have one of those, man. How fucking good is it? It's like a fire hose. It's tremendous. Totally cleans you out. It cleans your ass, better than toilet paper on the fucking market. All right.

And it cleans deep, deep, deep. you spread those cheeks like you're on Coke and you're about to put it in a fucking asshole and you don't give a fuck and you let that cold water hit that fucking libido whatever the fuck you got in there

and then you give it one last wipe and it's all over you understand me your assholes tip top magoo all you need is somebody to take the small 20 to lick that fucking mint flavored muffler

you know what I'm saying because it's the holidays so do me a favor what I'm going to do for you right now is this. $69. Santa could afford that. Stop wiping that nasty fucking ass

and get a clean ass with Tushy. Go to hellotushy.com right now and use code church for 10% off your order. Again, hellotushy.com right now. Let's get this motherfucking party started, Lisa Yat. Taking it right to the fucking starters. It's November.

Pilgrims are gone, they killed the Indians, it's over. A song of fucking war. Why? Because you're going to war this week. With who yourself, it's over. The moon is red, the end begins to show. Are you fucking nuts? Right here, nobody else.

I used to do ass and listen to this by myself after my mother died. To torture myself Kick that mealie. Kick that fucking mulee. Kick that mulee. Fucking tremendous. Happy Monday, cock suckers. This is one of my favorite parts.

There's a lot of reasons I love seeing you. But one of them, every time I see you I come to your podcast, you always will put me on to like a movie I haven't seen before or know about or some music that's like dope.

I don't want you making a drive for no reason. I fucking love it, man. Tom's a girl in the house looking fucking beautiful. Thanks, brother. handsome dapper you got my favorite Christ killer

Lee Syatt next to him flying Jew you're looking dapper but from the side you're starting look like Louis C.K. I hope you don't take your dick out and start playing the drums here

you know what I'm saying? Thanks buddy how's the family? Family's great man so your little boys going on two it's just can't wait it's the best

it's the cutest little fucking age changes that you've noticed inside of you like what now when you get on a plane you don't and a kid cries you don't want to kick that lady in the head no more yeah it completely changes you yeah you have empathy you'll help people you see yeah you see a lady with like two bags and a baby and and she's walk you you you you'll run to get the door I mean not that you wouldn't before but like you you're you're keeping an eye out for it because you recognize it man and you have definitely empathy for the crying babies for sure like you definitely have changed with that part because you can't help it man you know it's crazy how

people are getting called out for things they did 15 20 years ago yeah and for some people I get it and for some others I don't get it and the reason why I was married I had a child I had a child till the age of three you know I was in her life to the age of five you know I was there as much time as I could do. But I wasn't the same animal. I was not the same animal, not even close. I was a failure of a man at that point in my life

compared to who and how I think now. Yeah. And I see a guy like you, you know, your late 30s, you spit out your first child, your wife is supreme, and it's like, I've seen the changes in you,

you know, in little things, you're a lot more focused. What do you feel inside as a dad? Like, that's, man, it's hard to put into words, man. It really is. Yeah. It's like, it sounds, it sounds cliche, but all those cliche things ultimately are usually true.

And that's why, I mean, there's, there's truth of it. So people repeat them, you know, but it's like, I mean, you know, your kids, like, it's all you think about when you go to, when you get up in the morning. It's like your sole focus. And you think about it when you go to bed. It becomes like just a driving force in your life, I think. So, like, you know, it's just, it changes everything, man. It's crazy because I know there's a lot of listeners right now that are young. Yeah.

Sure, we don't give a fuck about you. We're your fucking kids. Yeah, yeah. That's great. You're not going to give a fuck today. But one day you're going to be in a hospital room holding your child. And you're going to think of Tom or me telling you this. Yeah.

It makes you, it puts, does it take the blinders on or does it take them off? What's the time? Oh, man. You get hyper fucking almost paranoid about shit, man. Like you start things that you'd ignore You're like I got you you just think about it all I mean from like fucking safety You know like uh

Is everything secure here to like What's good what we're gonna do when we get on that plane You start thinking about what if somebody I don't know you always want to protect the kid no matter what you know from other kids other adults The world Or the park a lot there's a big yeah we go to park yeah yeah And how's he reacting at the park? Oh it's awesome he loves the park me he loves you know

He's fucking And he's super active. He's big running around. Like he's just, he loves playing, man. So, I mean, we take him to classes and he loves all that shit, dude. What's his sleeping habits? He's down to one nap a day. Basically, it goes down for a nap every day around, let's say, 1.30.

Sleeps for on a great day, two hours, but usually less than that. And then at night, he goes to bed at seven, and he gets up at seven. Wow. Yeah. 12 hours, Jesus Christ. What about MERS? Last night I got up. I don't know what happened.

I did a lot of, you know, when weeks out there quiet, I do a lot of exercises. Yeah. So I went through a couple of jih Tzu with my buddies and got beat up. You go to that, how you like that? Really, really do. And this guy, I've been, because I can't go to the 12 o'clock classes, because I'm busy and I'm right. And so I got to go to my buddies at three. And it's tremendous.

It really is. But last week, I think I overdid it a little bit from my age. And last night, I fell asleep at seven. My niece came into town with a boyfriend. It was just Thanksgiving. We drove to Irvine. It's exhausting, man. We drove back.

They were there. We stayed up until one talking. Got up the next morning. It was Thursday. People came over. I tried to help my wife as much as I could. Friday, they went to Universal. I trained, I wrote a little bit.

I hooked up with them Friday night, took them for Cuban food. They went fucking nuts. I shot the Cuban sandwich commercial for him. El Cuccino and Silver Lake has just become superb. When I tell you, they have, you go to a place that's Spanish, you eat something. Whatever nationality you could be,

whether you're Irish, whether you're German, Hungarian, you know, whatever, you know, excuse me, and you eat something, and you always look for the way your Russian grandmother made it. Yeah, yeah, Argentina and uncle, and nothing ever compares. Right. As a matter of fact, sometimes it's shitty, and you get insulted, like a guy like that gets insulted and his feelings get hurt. And I'm meeting at La Floridita, not La Floridita. Oh, I was about to say, that used to be my spot when I lived in Hollywood. El Florita on Melrose, that one? Like on East Melrose?

No, there's a human restaurant that's popular. The food is horrible. It's popular on Mondays because people go dance there. That's the one in the heart of Hollywood. That's El Florida, though. I don't know what it's called. Okay. Then these are the ones I know about.

They say the best one is in Culver City, but there's one on motor and Venice that's the one you go to Versailles Frickace de Pollo That's what the dish That's one of my favorites I just hate the fucking bones Yeah yeah me too

I hate having to stop I'd be like the bones Now I got the fucking chicken grease on my fork Now I'm at Hugo Yeah you know so I like that Hugo from I'll never have rice Oh fucking hey man So this place

This one I never told you about this late. La Floyd, El Cochinito was a spot I discovered my second month in town. Cochinito. I'm sitting there with my niece, Felicia Michaels, my wife, my niece's boyfriend. Yeah. With drinking sangria, we're sitting there. And you ever go into like a, you ever watch a movie and the guy goes into like a thought? Yeah.

And I go, how did I end up El Cochinito? I went to an audition. I saw Rudy Moreno at the auditioner. It was one of those big TV dramas. Yeah. It's got to be March of 97. I'm in a borrowed car. Like I had no money.

I think in those days I used to borrow Doug Stanhope's utility car. You didn't know how much gas was in it because the needle was always broken on. So as soon as you got in the car, you had to put $10 in there. And so that's what he did. I went to this fucking audition. went on the five, you know, these directions I don't know about. And I end up on the way back, go to the audition, I eat a bag of dicks, and I end up in Echo Park, the one that the water spits out.

But as I'm driving, I know this police helicopters are all around me. Right? Yeah. And I keep driving. Like, you know, I don't know what the fuck's going on. What was going on was the site I was driving on, and I don't know whether I was going north or south, people please, or what? or north.

I was going this way. Over here, there was a police pursuit. Have you been to Echo Park? Not a while, but yeah. Echo Park has a two-block Cuban neighborhood that you can go get Cuban pastries at this time. Do I know about this? I don't know dick.

All I know is that I hear, stop, police. So I pull my car over and I hear, and I hear, boom. And I look over and I see the guy on the floor, and there's ten cops and there's helicopters. This is two-thirty in the afternoon. on a fucking Tuesday, okay? I'm in my own fucking business. This could only happen to me, but it gets worse.

After I get back, I put my signal on to make a left to go back into the highway, the tire got flat. Jesus. I got no ATM. I got no money. I got a driver's license from Colorado, maybe fucking $4. I drive around the corner with the flat I park.

I call the only person I know, Marilyn Martinez, got arrested so. She sends her husband over. He goes, don't worry about nothing. I got you. If you go Echo Park, if you go up, if you go east, every other store is a Mexican tire place. Right.

Right? You go in there, whatever you need, they got a tire. 20 bucks. You know what I'm there? And then you can Jew them down. Give me 10. Ocho, no, they do it, wherever it way. Yeah.

So he got me a tire for like eight bucks, slaps it on. Jesus Christ. Right? Gets me a tire. They slap it on for you for eight bucks. Oh, no. I'm healed, but on the way back, Marilyn's husband, God rest his soul, says to me,

have you ever met my brother-in-law? The Cuban guy? And I go, no. And he goes, he wants to meet you, man. He just got out of prison. And he says he knows people, you know, and all this shit. They go, right, let's go. Are these two, by the way, they're both passed?

Marilyn and the husband both passed. Maryland died of cancer. Maryland Martinez was a comic. Okay. than a husband, damn. So now we end up at Okochino. To meet the guy. To meet the dude.

And I'm fucking, I got four bucks on me. And I don't order. I just got like a soul and the guy's like, eat, you know. I'll buy you lunch and we start talking. It was just a great conversation about being Cuban. Yeah. And it always ends with, if you ever need anything, contact me. Yeah.

I'm like, what do you mean by anything? And he goes, I got the best. Coconetown. You don't need to smell it on you? Because we're family. Right there. You're Cuban. Yeah. So as a matter of fact, following me two blocks down, I'll throw a package in your hand.

Okay. He threw a package in my hand for free. That night I went and did comedy, and I went out. I went to the coaching horses. It was Doug Stanhope. I mean, this all happened in one day, and I'm sitting at the table going, my life was crazy back there. It was me, Doug Stanhope, David Fulton,

A comic friend of ours from Seattle from 95. He lives in England now. Josh Wolfe, his brothers, we would go to the store and then go to coaching horses. That night I had to cancel. This Coke was so good. I couldn't even talk. I remember I had to leave, and I was living in my car.

And I had to go on Josh Moore's Block, park under a tree, and lay back with two bottles of beer. And I sat there until 4 in the morning doing the little coke I had jerking off. And that was the end of that fucking day. Jesus Christ. That was a great day. And that's how you ended up El Cocinito.

I remember the first time. Sounds like a good Yelp review. That's a fantastic review. The first time I fucking went. It was like, okay. I ended up jerking off out of a window. Oh, my God. It was fucking terrible.

In a car. Coked up to the game. Five stars. That fucking Coke was good. So did you hit him up again? Oh, yeah. That night. When that shit wore off, I made up some story.

I gave somebody like a bump or two, and they went crazy. The cocaine was off limits. Like, this shit was just, it was. How much were you doing at your max of Coke? Like when you were really into it? This was probably 97. Yeah. And I was broke.

But I could still get 20s from time to time. And at that time, I was doing three, four 20s a week. Okay. Then I popped the Taco Bell commercial. It was off. Oh, really? Yeah. It was one of the first one with the dog.

And then you're like getting checks. Yeah. I was just going to the dude's house. But at that time, I always hunted away just like weed to get, I met people who did cocaine and appreciated it. Yeah. There's people who were just salesmen. But there's people who are like, listen, you got to come over here now. And bring whatever cash you got.

you because I usually get shit wait till you see this shit and they were not fucking with you and they're not fucking with you you go over there this shit is from 1980 the flake the ether base you know if you learned the narcos and the season three the one that you really enjoy

yeah yeah go to buy the ether yeah there was no ether at one point in 85 cocaine was always tremendous it always tasted delicious that drip yeah when you went up to the bar and had that fucking butter

wise of Jesus Christ and your throat would get numb and you're there fucking I wouldn't even smoking that but that was a time by 86 87 yeah that cocaine started getting funky started smelling turpentine and fucking shoe polish and it was so good but the next day you kind of had a headache from whatever the fuck you were snort the night before gasoline because they couldn't get enough ether in because there was like a cutoff right some but like somebody's a supplier they couldn't get enough in like that at that point they were making so much cocaine god damn that they couldn't get enough ether i never you romanticize it to the point or i want to try i knew at that at that point i knew what was going on like i remember people go i remember i used to fly back and forth with danny b who calls them to the podcast yeah i used to fly back and forth with packages at one time i went to see him and he goes listen this guy usually wants nine's at that time he wanted to 86 and 9600 for a quarter kilo which at that time was whatever

it comes out to 9.5 an hour. I have no idea. I'm not a mathematician. The price dropped by 2000. He goes, if you want, he goes, I'll get you that one. But try this shit for 2,000 less. It might work for you. And he brought it over. Fucking the Coke put me into the planet. There was only one problem. It smelled like fucking cap is. Really?

Oh my God. in a horrible way. Really? And guess what the Jew Cuban did that I did? I brought that cat piss back with it. And no matter what you cut it with, it was cat piss, and people were bringing it back to me.

People are like you can't. So that was the Coke that you bought and turned into crack. The cat piss. The cat piss. Because then they don't give a fuck. They're smoking it. They don't taste that cap.

It doesn't taste like cat piss when you smoked it? Then there was a period. But when you snored at what? It sticks with you? sticks with you like it's just you know it doesn't smell good like it just doesn't smell good what is regular coke smell like

delicious paradise but I mean really fucking paradise what is the ether based cocaine smells good 80 79 through 86 how hard was it to quit coke

it was easy because I was done you were already like i was done at that point i had a lot of variables why and it was a lot easier than people think i was done but once i just i missed uh i realized that i wasn't getting high to get it wasn't enjoyable like like marijuana right now i could see it falling off the map any day now

really yeah i can see myself i can see myself just doing edibles or something to calm me down for a while just to say with the little bit of lung I got left. Oh, it stopped smoking. It doesn't take a genius to know. I got the beginnings of emphysema.

You know, like, you know, you don't have to be a genius. So you can do it then. Do that, man. Save your lungs. And that's what, uh, with cocaine, it was the same thing. I just knew that when you, uh, I was doing cocaine for so long

that I was getting jolts in my spine at the end of the night. Joltz of electricity like Castro's met. You know, what is that. That is terrifying. But that's not good. That's not good. Jesus Christ. That means, you're like, yes.

That means, and I was getting one a night, you know, once a week, and then it started to get two a night. That's fucking terrifying. So I started to get two a night. I can just see my wife waking up to go pee and seeing my fat little legs in the kitchen laying there purple. And you're like. Yeah. I'm like, you know, and I said I can't do it. Jesus Christ.

You have to know the, you have to be earnest with yourself at one point. Wait, I wanted to ask you this. We're jumping back. What's the great dish at El Cuccino? There's a bunch of them. But didn't you have a favorite you were saying? I had the paella on that. Now, the pie area, do I rank it in what I grew up at Segovia and Munk in New Jersey and in the places in the city?

Yeah. Where my mom took me to, I rank at a six. But they're in the ballpark. And that impresses me. Yeah. The chorizo is good. It's special on Fridays. Okay.

I usually go for the fucking, uh, If I go there, I get the pork chunks. As much as I don't like eating pork out, they do it perfect. Yeah. I mean, perfect. Masa te puiku, with white rice and black beans. I'm too old to eat the fried bananas, so I'll admit that. You're too old for them?

Yeah, after a while, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's not bad. If you look them up on weight watches and shit, it's not like they kill you, but you're trying to not avoid a little bit of fried food. Sure. You eat the pork, you sacrifice to fried banana, and you don't eat the fucking bread and butter.

And when you order the flan, which is a tent, the flan there. But here's the thing that they're, what I love about a restaurant is, I'll stay with you if you're five and if you're nice people. And if every time I go in there, there's a table, and if I'm in and out of there and the waitresses are nice, the place is clean.

I'll stay with you. because I don't like shopping around. If it's a five or a six, they went from being a five or a six to a nine to a ten. I'm telling you this over the fucking two years. Like the last seven meals I've had to have left that going, Jesus fucking Christ, that was good. Whoa.

Now, people argue, I don't know, some guy was telling him once, oh, they get their beans out of a can. I went to another popular place a couple weeks ago where the beans were. dick dick but where is this

uh cochinito it's right on sunset boulevard okay like on silver lake up by copa okay you know what I'm saying like it's hip now the hip stuff it's next to a baskin robins

okay you know it's uh it's very hip now so on friday's you're gonna hit the seven o'clock but I will tell you one thing I had six people with me they're drunk I'm the designated driver yeah I'm 300 pounds. Alcohol does nothing to me.

I got a picture of sangria. Dog. It was the biggest fucking picture of Sangria I ever sell in my life. People would tap it out. And you're like, Jesus Christ, how much sangria? It was filled to the brim. I had like a piece of pineapple. I couldn't

drive. My wife had to drive. Really? What happened? I had a piece of pineapple. I'm a fucked up, Jack. It's not the juice to get you. It's that fruit they let sit, those fucking Right. And let that shit.

Shit. We were talking right before, and you said to hold it, I was asking you if, in prison, if different races had different foods, like, that were a priority for them. That, like, they're like, oh, you know, it's fucking Wednesdays, you know, mac and cheese. The fucking Asians are going to go nuts today or whatever. Like, was there anything that, like, different races prioritized food-wise? in prison or that they desired, you know?

When I got to county and diagnostic there's a list. You get a sheet on Tuesday night. Yeah. This is 1987 people. If you're in prison now or whatever, I don't know how the fuck it's

done then. And on Tuesday night, when you get arrested, you usually got $22 on you. Then your mother puts a $50 bill in this and I got $72. Yeah. So that's called the commissary. Yeah. So on that commissary there's toothpaste, toothbrush, comb, gel,

deodorant, big bag of Cheetos, ding-dongs, you know, they got a bucket of shit. Yeah. It's 50 a week to live in there, 80 a week, to live in there, you know, and then on Thursday night, they think, Tom Sigora,

it made 68, check yourself. Oh, by the way, they were out of Cheetos. Leesaiat bought 25 bags. That motherfucker, because then he'll sign him on the market right you follow me right right charge the cheetos so every night when you go by lea sellers a bunch of fat dudes lurking waiting from dog where's the cheetos at the shit you know what's yeah so that's how it was in those systems for you to i don't remember if they could bring your

food in visitation the it was very interesting for me because when i got sentenced they told me to my face. You were not going to see a state prison until December. You were going to go to a county jail. You're either going to go to Rifle, which is down underneath and you only have windows. It's really like the shining. Jesus. It snows a lot and they get cable TV and shit like that. And at that time, there was another place or you could sign a waiver and get sent to Texas or some other place. It was three days for one. Something crazy. So I didn't say nothing.

My attorney never mentioned it. I got sentenced, August 15th. So I figured, fuck, I'll be in Boulder until maybe October. And then October, they'll ship me to Ohio or the rifle. And then by December, I'll go to a diagnostic.

But by that time, it doesn't matter. Because those days, in county a two for the price of one. So six months in county, already's 12 months. It counts like that? They tell you that? No, that's the rule. That's the rule. So at that time, okay,

I had a 48 month sentence. Right. Okay, which is four years. Yeah. My sentencing, the deal I signed was six to four, four years to six. No, zero to six. That's what it was.

It was dependent on the judge. Zero to six was the deal I signed. I could get six years. I could get three years. I could get four years probation. But it was nothing more than six years. That's the deal I signed. That was it.

I signed to second degree burglary and to an accessory to a felony. That's what the plea deal was. That was my plea bargain. And I still give him props. That was one of the best. attorneys. Because what was the worst case scenario that they were kidnapping two nine years and it's a and it's a toss up that the feds want it number one yeah and number two it's a violent crime

which means you serve three quarters of your sentence mandatory mandatory and you get a parole one year they definitely hold you back yeah so I would have done eight years for sure fuck and they were going for it they were going heavy for it. But I knew the victim was weak. And he was getting weaker by the day. He was snorting more. In fact, he called me. We've been playing phone tag lately.

Really? Yeah. I apologize the whole thing. I remember when you apologize. Yeah, but then I still kept in touch with him. You still fuck with him? No, there's no reason to fuck with him. He lives in his own hell. I have a funny feeling. And I love him dearly. Believe it or not, you know, over the years

I've learned to love him dearly because And you just passed the anniversary of something, right? Because I saw you tweet like this was... 30 years was, yeah, when I did the crime. 30 years ago, like last week. Yeah, it was 30 years ago. So that's what pisses me up what's going on right now. That people accusing people at things they did 15 years ago, 20 years ago.

That type of shit bothers me, bro, because we all changed. Yeah. I know I'm a way different motherfucker than I was at 34. At 34, I was on intercomedy, but I could still mug you if I had to, do you know what I'm saying? You had two kilos of Coke and you were fucking around with Lee up here. Guess who's coming at three with a gun to muggy's boat? You really would? You really were doing that.

I would either do it with a mask on or get two people to do it and take half the take. Wow. And you'd figure out it was me eventually. Sure. I did that type of shit like twice And I got caught with the kidnapping I looked out on that type of And then

So it's good that you got caught But then when I got out of prison Two years later Three years later A buddy mine came to me I got an angle These guys, they got this amount You kick the door

You tell them who you are They give it to you You know we handcuff them We walk out And Thompson Gora I did it one time You did it one time Yes. And it was horrible. I felt my heart beating.

You can't fucking go deaf. It was terrible. And I ran out of there. I came back to bed. I'm like, fuck you. Wow. And that was it. But these guys were pros at it. This is what they did. This is what they were doing. They were shaking down people all over the brides. It's so wild to know you. Like, I guess I think that's what, like, people don't understand, like, to know you just as a comic? But I wasn't a violent person. Yeah. I was just a confused individual.

I was just confused. Yeah. And I was lucky because confusion means you're going to end up dead or in jail. I was fucking fortunate, bro. To go to jail, yeah. I was fortunate to go to jail when I did. But I mean, the knowledge I learned those years doing the shit I was doing out there. is crazy.

That's a complete, different fucking world to me that I can't even transfer to somebody. Like I wish, like, I could, somebody said to me, listen,

on your license now, sign away that piece of your brain because we want to go through it and analyze it to see what you saw. It's mind-boggling. Yeah. It was really,

really out there. At that time in the education I took from it, you know. When you think about, Oh, back to the food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, okay.

Once you hit diagnostic, I love the way. Once you hit diagnostic, and you go to where you're supposed to go, now you get visitation. Now we're going to be a little racist, but we're going to be a little racist. Okay.

I worked in the kitchen. Okay. I think there was one Mexican kid, and everybody else is sprayed black. Okay. And then you. And the blacks were great. Those black guys in the kitchen, I got along with all of them. What did you do in the kitchen? I was this, I started as a baker, but I was making a cinnamon rose, and I almost blew up the place because he told me to make them this big.

I don't know. I just put them this big. Yeah. And they came out like those fucking things you throw in the Olympics. Yeah. So they said, we need a dishwasher slash stock clerk. And then they fired me as a net. in five minutes of dishwasher. I had a driver's license.

Yeah. So they wanted me to drive the sandwiches to wait. You ever go, do you ever drive and you see convicts clean on the side of the road? Sure. I would drop sandwiches off to those gigs. That was my job. Do you have someone like with a gun at you?

You're doing that? No, no. This is minimum, minimum whatever. Security? Oh, so they just know you're going to come back. So I got 48 months. Yeah. But automatically it gets cut to two.

Because you do it in the jail time. Because it's just the way life is. Oh, okay, okay. So 40, that's why when you hear, oh, he's getting this bullshit. That's not. When I hear the sentence, I'll tell you if it's bullshit and that. So I got four years. Automatically, it's 24 months.

I had already done a month in county, so that's two months. So I had 22 months. Yeah. But the time I got sentenced, I had 22 months. Well, guess what? You always before halfway house. I had 18 months. By the time you're 16 months, you're in the halfway house.

Yeah. So I had eight months to do maybe, but at the time of sentencing, he told me he wanted a letter after 90 days for reconsideration of my sentence. Because I'd never been in trouble before. Yeah. Yeah, I had a bunch of accusations. So the judge said that? Yeah.

Whoa. So I had three different things going for me. You follow me now? So back to the original question. because I thought about this guy today. I thought about a guy who hated me in prison. Remember the season of Sons of Anarchy? What's Chuck Zito?

Chuck Zito. Yeah. Chuck Zito's supposed to be a really nice guy. I have a lot of friends, mutual friends. But when I got locked up, there was a biker dude in there that acted just like Chuck Zito did on Sons of Anarchy. He had the rings and the long hair and the sunglasses. And one day, I'd never forget this vividly.

He picked an argument with me about the song from Guns and Roses about Mr. Brownstone. Yeah. I told him it's about heroin. And he had like four of his little faggy fucking soldiers with him. Yeah. The problem why he couldn't lift a hand to me was, and his is, I married a woman named Terry Clark. But I had three dudes I was tight with in prison at this facility that had 146, that, they would bust you up.

One guy was a white dude from Philly named John Clark did not look threatening or menacing at all. He had just done nine years and he left bodies throughout the whole system.

Like he was a legend in the prison system. He wasn't a biker. He wasn't an Aryan. He was just a tough white dude. Yeah. All right. He was a meth dude.

And he had a girlfriend. He was out of Philly on a Monday visitation. She would come and bring. bringing in her mouth and they would swap, spit. And I would go back to his room and he'd give me two lines of fucking meth. He was my dog, dog.

He was my Gumba. I loved that dog. Then on the other side, I was in the kitchen because it was Army Barracks. So I was on the other side. So the Army Barric I was in was the Kitchen Army Barric. All Yams. They were all brothers. Right? They were all brothers. And they were all the brothers from the kitchen.

But the main dude in the kitchen, the guy that gave him the man. main orders was Spencer Antoine aka Chicken Hawk you didn't fuck with him he was in there for involuntary manslaughter

he really killed the motherfucker but he had money and he paid the attorney everybody knew not to fuck with chicken hawk not to mention he was just a solid dude yeah and he loved me he called me Cuba I loved him if I could call him like a stepfather I would really yeah he had six

kids you know he was a real dude. He was just a black dude that was out drinking a bottle of wine one day in front of his neighborhood and some people got loud with him and they said something to his wife and he stabbed the motherfucker. You know, plain and simple, what happens?

And then there was an Italian dude that was a mobster but he really wasn't. This guy, I think about him once a month because if I got a cop explain the top ten guys I've ever met in my life that was the smoothest guys ever. Yeah. He's number five or six. Really? Not a good looking dude, not a handsome dude. No drugs, no alcohol.

Italian dude, pure extortionist. That was his angle. Tom Seguro, this isn't who I am. This is all I do. You're doing this. You're doing this. From now on, you're going to give me this envelope every month. Why? Because if not, I'm going to put your bullet in your mother's fucking. and had fucking whatever part of fucking, you know what I'm saying? Like, he was all those dudes. Jesus. But he was a fucking, he had just done like 14 years. I found out about him through a counselor. Him and I just used to talk.

And on Mondays, he used to go, hey kid, you're hungry? On Mondays, I cook. And he was a tremendous cook. He would make nachos with fucking stoves and ovens and shit. I mean, don't ask. Okay. But he also ran the numbers, the sports betting business in that. And he was Italian.

He wasn't goombot up. Yeah. You just knew he was Italian. And they didn't really, the Mexicans and the blacks didn't mix on them. So I went to him and said, let me ask you a question. Give me one of those sheets. And I started selling them because I mingled with Chicken Hawk because he was black. I mingled with John Clark because he was white.

Okay. So I had them all. And I mingled with the Mexicans because I was Spanish. Yeah. So I had everybody gambling. So now I started turning over two cards. So this guy started becoming, his food was free to me. That was part of the deal from now on, whatever you cook.

And he used to make shit in there every day. Shitting there every day. Every day. Because we all had access to the store. Oh, man. I love one. Now we had black dudes in there that was solid. this fuck.

Yeah. And one of the dudes that was in there on Sundays, this is the question you're asking, is your answer. Yes. The Mexicans were bringing fucking burritos that were delicious. And there was one family, the Anayas.

The uncle and nephew were in prison together, and they didn't really like each other. Two Mexicans, right out of American meat, they would look at each other like, what fool? You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

They fucking hate each other. It's an uncle. the nephew. In there. They both ended up in the same prison for some dumb crime they both did. I was tight with the uncle. The uncle and me, he loved me. So his mom and sister.

So when they would eat, the whole family would come for visitation and bring them food. But the dude, the uncle would sell me tacos. No, burritos. Green chili, mashed potatoes with fucking pork in them. holy. And I would buy them and like you would buy something and go I should have bought 20 of them. Yeah. Like that's, like I would buy four.

Yeah, yeah. And take two in my room and I had like a black and white TV in my room and I'd go, I could eat 20 of these. Then I would just tell him on Sunday I want 20. And he'd go, wow, you got to give me a premium. Done. And I'll give you extra food from the kitchen. Done, believe it. I'd get 20 fucking.

20. Oh, they were little. Yeah. They were the little ones. but they were, bro, these people were perfect. And the black dude, that was my goomba, was a young Crip. And his girlfriends each, he had seven different freaks. Jesus.

He had seven women on his payroll, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, seven women, and they all had his babies. This was way before baby mama was even discussed. They were his bitches. And all of them each had a Subaru or this or that or this, and each had his kids. And he would make all of them bring him church's chicken, Popeye's chicken, and Nutter Butters.

Like a motherfucker. So he would see me and hit me on the side and go Cuba. I'm stocked up on Nutter Butters, nigger, slowing by. And I would go into, like, his little ghetto, little trailer. And I would go into his room and we'd sit there and watch TV, listen to Bat. We listen to It's Too Short. Really?

And eat another but it's fucking tremendous. Tremendous. Tremendous. That's not what they make it out to be like. No, because it's once you go to where you go, you have to get along. Yeah. If you fuck up, Lee, you fuck it up for everybody. So the shit they show you in the movies is a lot of controversy at times.

Sometimes you go to those places and that peaceful as fuck because they don't want they have certain liberties can you imagine being in this room for 24 fucking hours for a month and it's not even this room

cut it off at that camera right there your toilet's right here with a black and white TV a little bed with tin a picture of your cat and you do push-ups and sit-ups and fucking upside-down lips you think that's exciting

no no Sounds horrible, man. And you have the racial groups? And the racial groups stick together. And guess what? I was not involved in drugs in that. I knew some white dudes that had acid. That's it, because they drug tested you. And you have to run with a racial group?

You have to run with Spanish? No, I ran through the way I've run through my life. Yeah. I know everybody. Yeah. I don't know nobody, but I know I know everybody. I know Tom's a girl and he's this. I'm friends with Lee and he's Jewish.

That's never really affected me. Yeah, sure. Do I go, do I get excited around my Spanish roots? Yes, I do. Sometimes I'm around my Spanish roots. I really get excited, you know, just to, it brings me back. Sure. It brings your footing back, as they say.

I think one of the, it's like it's, one of the things I get a kick out of that show, the Narco show in season three, is that it's Colombian, but they speak like really similar to Peruvian Spanish. So it's part of the reason like I love the show is that they speak that specific style, slang, all that gets me like fired up. The guy in New York is my favorite. Oh, that guy. Do you know that he's fucking Brazilian or Portuguese? The New York Colombian guy?

Yeah. He learned Spanish for that. He speaks Portuguese. So is, so was the guy who played Pablo. Yeah. But the guy, the New York guy, his Spanish was unbelievable. Phenomenal. The guy that played Pablo was terrible, man.

They got better the second season. It was horrible. That dude was fucking really good. I enjoy those Spanish shows. I listened. I watched all 80 episodes of Celia. Did you really? As cheesy as it got at some points.

Yeah, because you download them and watch them on a plane. Yeah. On a plane is really the only place where you're, you could focus on a movie and really catch. You check out. Little flaws and shit like that. You're still traveling a lot. Oh, me?

Yeah. Yeah, but it's winding down. Thank God. This year was heavy travel, man. Really heavy. But, like, I'm happy that I'm almost done. I've only been traveling heavy for now. Ten years?

Yeah. Ten years of steady traveling a lot. It already wears on me, man. Like, it's already like I'm trying to think of. Like, I already figured out what I fucked up this year. to try to do differently next time I'm heavily touring you know

I still remember 98 to 2,000 I pretty much lived on the road yeah I didn't have an appointment here on a P.O. box I had all my checks sent to Josh Wolf's house did you really? And whatever clothes I would wear I would send I would buy new clothes every two or three weeks

from different cities and send the old clothes home to Josh Walson. That was the craziest ever. I didn't. You guys have history, man. This was 98, 99, even 99. I left November of 99, and I came back April, 2000. Yeah, 2000.

Six months without being home in those days. No, that's funny. fucking unbearable. That's feature act, co-headlining, headlining, that's it. Wherever,

whatever. Snow ties are a must, bitch. 07, I did like, man, close to 40 weeks of feature work,

and I just racked up debt, dude, like just, because I knew there's no other way to, no. I did, listen, I did five years of feature act,

feature work, and I enjoyed it. I don't give a fuck with anything. It was blast, man. I got good. I got really good. And I learned rooms. I bombed.

I bombed a lot as a feature. Did you? Yeah. Can't even picture it with you. It took a while. It took me. Were you dirty? Because, like, you're dirty, but, like, it's not dirty for the sake of dirty.

It feels genuine. No, no, no, no. At that time, I was pushing it. Like, but were you dirty? Yes. You were a dirty middle act? Yeah, from 95 on I was edgy

A little dirty A little topical Nothing personal That's where the comedy That's where the comedy wasn't It really wasn't there There was nothing personal And then once I moved to Seattle

That open mic Open me up a little bit But it was a comedy store That really late night If you really, really want to get good... Go there. 12.30. Fuck.

12.30. Six nights a week for two months, you'll come up with shit. You'll never thought you had in you. Really? I keep hearing people say that. I mean, for me, it was... I think I would...

I think if I did get the special, I would just tell I had a midnight, Tuesday through Saturday. Tuesday through Friday. That's when you'd want to run it. No, that's when I'd want to work. Work it out. Work. That's work.

And it's really, it's OR work. It's different work. It's a different than going to an open mic. These people pay. So you still got to throw a little bit of heat. Yeah. But you get put yourself in a weird situation where those little jabs, you throw three little short jabs,

and one of them is really good. so you got something out of the night. Yeah. The Comedy Store workout, you know, that thing that Brody does and stuff, that single guy stuff, you know, walking in your door at 2 a.m. Yeah. Three nights a week, that's fucking heavy if I got to get up at 8 with the girls. Oh, my God.

I'm done. That means at 11 o'clock I'm fucking spinning, Jack. I can't even sit down, you know. Yeah. But that's a spot that really opens you up, that 1145, midnight. following somebody who just did heat. Yeah. And you've got to go up there.

Your development material. Sure. Your mind will really race real quick, you know. It's just having the stamina if I can stay out until 12. What do you do? Yeah. It's a young man's game.

It's a young man's game. You go to the Laugh factory. You do a 945. You do a 10.15 at the improv. And you close out the store for six weeks. Yeah. You're unstoppable. And the Midwestern.

doesn't see your material near the East Coast. So what? You don't do everybody in meadows until the fucking summertime. It just makes sense. Sure. I was not at the store. I was just fucking around that. And she just goes, no, well, you want to get paid?

I don't want to die. Just, I'm the last guy. And you do this on a week night? Thursday through Saturday. Just let me come in and close it out. Close it out. It doesn't matter. What time would you go in?

10.30. And just run a half hour. 20 minutes. Yeah. You know, 20 minutes in front of a different type of audience. Yeah. It's another great training thing is, again, we're not single. You want to come up with a great half hour, great 45 minutes, go to New York and do midnight shows.

Oh, midnight to two, baby boy. Yeah. Four, five, you know, three sets. Baby boy, you do three of those. Twelve to two. That's what fucking Ari's done. He moved there and starts, I talked to him. The week he's up doing like six spots some nights.

But see, you got to understand. I used to play fucking tennis with Doug Stanhope and Mitch Headberg. Tennis with them? When I first moved here, the hot thing was to go to Gorky Park on Fountain and Vista down there. There's a park now that they've redone and cleaned up. But when we moved there, you could buy a nickel bag down there. You could buy a $20 bag of weed on the other side by the benches. We used to go to and play tennis.

And I'll never forget one day. Mitch Hedberg gone, you know, I'm taking a movement in New York. And I go, I think that's a great fucking idea. And he goes, well, I go, because everybody in New York's like me. And, you know, like you, I don't even know the moral of this fucking story. I am fucking gazoom. I'm looking at Lee. Lee is so fucking...

How deep are you right now? How many... No, I'm just... We need two things. That's 400 milligrams. A couple of stars of death. Lee's about to eat one and two. I'm okay.

I think we're... So are you ripped in half, though? I'm not ripped in half. I'm ripped. He's in training. Listen, we call it training. You call it training. You guys do October.

What did you guys call it? Sober October. Yeah, sober October. We do year round 24, seven. That's how I'm... Do you think that would be fucking horrific to try? What's that?

So sober for a month? Oh, me. Yeah, for you. At this point, I'm the type of guy I don't like talking about it. Yeah? You just, for three days,

you yell at people. Yeah. Call everybody a motherfucker. Yeah. And the only day, you're like, Jesus Christ, you know, maybe I can do this.

And you go for seven days. Oh, but you're saying, like, Like don't make it a big thing. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody needs to do. No, I hear you.

You know, I go to, you know, when I go to Jitjit, you got to put that robe on. Yeah. If you put that in your bag and it's wet, you know, if you're fucking, me undies are wet, you sweat that T.HC out, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Which is important about you. It's important when you get older just to be a little mobile.

Yeah. Whatever. What the fuck are we talking about? I don't know. Mitch Hedberg moving in New York. Tennis. Tennis. Spots.

Oh, that's what it was, doing a midnight spot. I said that's what Ari's doing. Oh, that's what it was. Yeah. When Ari talked to me about moving to New York, listen, Ari has always been a night out. Yeah.

There are some people who, that's their game. And don't fuck. I have a friend I grew up with, knock on this door at 2 in the morning. It's a parade. It's like fucking 8 in the morning for some people. There's coffee. He's cooking the steak.

Yeah. You're like, what are you going to? I have a friend. When I grew up with him, if you knock on his door at one, you're not going to get him. You're not going to ever because he wouldn't even turn the light off until 7 in the morning. What? Yeah, like he was one of those guys. Have you ever hung with one of those guys?

They're tremendous. Like all going all night. He would, whatever. My roommate, my roommate in college, this kid. would be up all night and then go to class and play football. And I'd be like, how aren't you exhausted? He goes, I don't need that much sleep, man. I don't need that much sleep.

And he would just, I mean, I would get up to take a piss. I'm talking, I'm in school. And I'm staying up, you know, kind of late, like past midnight. But I could take a piss at four in the morning. Lights are on. Music's on in his room. He's just like, just fucking hanging out, you know? Just like, that's how he would just go through.

And then go to class. had a girlfriend, played football, he just he he would sell to us that he needed very little sleep. I was like I don't understand how you do it. I don't know how you operate man and like he was a fully functioning like not a not a not somebody here like this guy's not all there. He just didn't need it. He just he could just run on these fumes and it didn't really catch up with him. I never understood it. When I went home every time I go home, I see this guy. If I have blood in this. world, he's one of those guys. I love him like a brother. For 30 years you couldn't figure him out.

But I learned in an early age just to let people be themselves. Right. Like I always had that. I don't know why. I remember I go to drink beers with these guys and these guys would be bitching about this guy.

And I go, how is it hurt any? Well, because you know, he's supposed this guy was 20, 20, He lived in his... No. When he was about 15, I met him. Yeah.

And he became friends, prominent family. He had fucking three brothers and three sisters, bro. In the house. And one day, I'm talking to him about something. He goes, hey, you got ten minutes?

Come, let me show you something. And we fucking walked through a back of his house and we moved some shit. And we open up a door. And he goes, look at this. And he goes, what are you thinking? And I go, I don't know. What are you talking about?

At that time, my mother died. I thought he was suggesting I move in there. It was just a black space with fucking mice shit all everywhere. And he goes, I'm thinking of building this, I'm moving down here. I worked at the lumberyard at the time. So I had access to wood, paneling, carpeting, the whole thing. We measured it. And one day I told him to get a fucking city truck.

And he fucking came down. We loaded everything. everything he needed from A to Z, from fucking lighting. To build, to build his, the first original man cave, 1980. Okay, everything was brand new. He bought couches, he bought a fucking glass piece, you could snort Coke. He bought a TV, which he built into the wall. He had a reel-to-reel.

He had tremendous speakers. At this time, he worked on a sporting goods. and at night he worked at the local deli from 6 to 10 loading the liquor and registering and shit and the guy who owned the place was a fucking babboots

so if you went over to the quarter of 10 he'd get in the car with you and he was always ready to go this guy but there was three or four nights a week that he wasn't ready to go and he would take his mother's car and go somewhere and you would knock on his daughter 11

and he wouldn't be home and then you go back like at about 1.30 and you can see his light on and you knock on the glass and he'd go go to the back and he let him in and he had let him in on and he where did you go to? I was looking for

you. I'm talking. I went to this place. You're hungry? I got steak upstairs and he would go upstairs and slice some steak and he would roll a joint and we'd fucking eat the steak and roll the joint and we'd smoke to to join it and we'd watch one

the comedian was on Letterman, but we both loved Letteman. Like, he turned me on to Letterman. Yeah. And then after Letterman, we put the reel to reel on, and we listened to Judas Priest. And I'd sit there with him

until 3 in the morning. And then, the next day, I'd be at the hashway, the deli, and somebody would tell me how they dropped Mike off at 8 in the morning. And I'm like, how did you drop him off at 8? we stopped by his house at 3.30. He said you had just left.

We got his shirt. We went over to the city. He went over to the rooftop until 8 in the morning. We did a bag of blow. He had that type of lifestyle. You know, he was just a night owl. Yeah. I love night time.

I love listening. Tom, you worked in, not reality, but TV post-production. Yeah. I had night jobs from our first couple of years here. I did I did graveyard It's a few times Oh it's it's terrible

But it's a great way to experience LA There's usually no traffic Unless they close the 405 But I like night time I don't know It's just I've always I've always

Like being up late I hate I don't know I don't I don't like being up early Yeah I like I was a definitely Late night dude I mean

Now it's shifted I get up early man So it had to shift But for yeah for a long time I was always up always up late you know and I was always late because I snorted coke

right but I always be up early tip top my goo now I was never that guy before kid no I love me getting up early yeah I know you you're like let's get the day started let's fucking but here's the thing I love doing comedy on the road

yeah but I'll tell you what my favorite thing is why what are you think of it is late? Your favorite thing about being on the road is sleeping? No. What? What do you think of is? Uninterrupted work time. Friday night.

There was a time where I would go on the road and I couldn't wait to get off stage so I could go to the room and snort coke and maybe waiters have come home or now I jerked myself off. Right. Now Friday night means that whatever I got for lunch I only eat half of it, and I put it in the refrigerator in the room.

And Friday nights after shows, I love these people that invite you to do shit on Saturday. And you're like, I'll tell you what, I'll call you in the morning and, like, you know. But in the back of your head, you're going back to the room. Worst case scenario, I'm watching Law & Order until 4 a.m. Yeah. I'm watching three Law & Order.

That's how I'm ruined time. I'm going to go back to the room. I'm going to take a show. shower after the second show switching to my little sporting pajamas my little sweatpants and my little hooded fucking sweatshirt. I go outside

I smoke that fucking number as I'm passing through the hall I get an extra bottle of water. I'm not going to lie to you. There's some other but there's the little pack, the little six pack I take a six pack up there I eat whatever snack I have and I love having no

responsibility. Yeah, okay. There is nothing better to me than having no responsibility on Friday night that if I go to bed at 5 in the morning, it doesn't matter. Right. I'll get up at 9, I've gone downstairs,

and I get that free breakfast, I'll get two pieces of white bread with scrambled eggs, bacon, I get a cup of oatmeal, I get coffee, and I'll go upstairs, I'll watch another episode or something that I'll sleep until 2.30. That's me all day.

Yeah. Get up, drink another curry in your room. Yep. It's Saturday, right? Get up a little bit. Go over your notes. Yeah.

Maybe walk down the corner. Maybe there's Jersey mics. It's going to take your 15 minutes. Yeah. Get back to your room. You smoke a tutz-a-luts. Yep. You pack.

You take a shower. And guess what is 6.30 is time to go leave and do your two shows on Saturday night. And you're not responsible. That's true. I don't like being responsible. Like when people, and you feel. feel bad when people invite you on Saturday. Hey, we're having a little get-together.

Listen, if I wake up, I call you. Can I tell you what I hate the most on the road when anybody, basically anybody, ask me to do anything? Like, I hate when people are like, hey, you know, you're in town. Do you want to come over to our house? Like, on whatever day, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I'm like, no. Do you want to go check out this museum?

I'm like, no, dude. Like, for me, on the road, I like, like keeping my whole life within like a eight block radius of the hotel. So even if somebody says like, let's get together and have lunch, I'm like, all right, do it near where I'm staying. Like, don't make me go far. Don't make me do an adventure today and drive out to your fucking farm or what, like, just let me stay around where I want to be. And I like to do low energy, necessary things. I don't like people asking me to do too much, you know?

All that fucking drains me, like psychologically, mentally. Well, here's, I know you're starting to look like, you're reminded me a Lewis K. Why? Because you're looking like from the side. I don't know if you're playing with your dick there. I don't give a fuck. If you play with your dick, I would never know that I would want to want. I'm not that type of rat.

People got bad days, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, dude. I've had a lot of people grab my dick. I never complain one time. No, I know. I know facts that have a long, you know, it's a long, you know, That's a long week for a fact that they grab your dick. They're just going to squeeze the dick.

They've been on tender all week and there's no fags available. Jesus Christ. They want to grab your little stomach here one time and squeeze it. What are you going to do? You'll be mad at them. Let it go. Say a prayer. Here's the big thing that's, and I want to break it down for Tom a little bit.

Because if Tom was on the road with Dave Chappell, Yeah. Okay. And you're doing 3,000 seat theaters. Yeah. Tom knows that he's blessed for being on the tour. Tom understands that not a lot of comics have this opportunity. Maybe Dave Chappelle goes, I'm taking me out for the whole year because three weekends a month.

You know, a theater on Thursday, one on Friday and one on Saturday, and count on a second show. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And you're doing 20 in each one. a comic like you and I that we've always been grounded because since day one

and I know you won some comedy thing and went on tour and shit you've at least been grounded you've never pulled me aside and say hey guess what last time I did Houston I sold more beer than Joe Rogan you know those fucking morons yeah yeah yeah so

oh yeah Lee there's a bunch of those more why does that even matter because in their mind do you have no idea what some comedians think. So you've always been very grounded. What the fuck we're talking about it? We were talking about...

Oh, oh, oh, so... So you said... So you're featuring for Dave Chappelle. Right. You're doing 20 minutes. Okay. It matters, but it doesn't matter. Matters what?

That I'm doing it, his show? It matters that he's doing his show, but in reality it doesn't matter. Right. I agree with that. They're going to see Dave Chappelle. They're paying $62.50. You know, and then at least you know this going in.

Yeah. But my point is, you're in San Francisco with Dave Chappelle. If Joey Diaz is a feature actor, you know through Joe Rogan, and he says to you, hey, dog, where are you staying? And you're like, I'm at the four seasons. I don't even know if there's four seasons in San Francisco. Durd. I'm like, listen, I'm four blocks away, bro.

My mother's cooking Cuban food. I'll pick you up at one and I'll have you back in the hotel by three. You have to do that because you're a feature act. They only want you for 20 minutes. Yeah, that's true. Even if you come over, smoke a joint and go back and take a nap and wake up half high, it might even help you out a little bit. You won't be so fucking nervous in front of 4,000 fucking people.

Yeah. But that's a complete different story. You're not supporting Christine. You're not supporting a child. That's totally different. That's one thing I want people to understand. So you have time to walk the fisherman's wharf and look at Chinese people giving foot rubs. And you have time to go to Columbus and go to the track.

But there becomes a difference. Now it becomes a difference where instead of going as a feature act, people are now paying harder in money, $2.50 to $27 to $35 to see you. So what does Tom Segura do all day? He spends his day at the fucking museum with the kid. Danny meets Joey Diaz for Snapper, 45 minutes away. By the time showtime comes, how good is fucking Tom's a girl going to be? Right.

Tom, tell me the truth as a man. Yeah, no, you're right. As a comic, how at 7 o'clock you're going to go, fuck that traffic from Diaz's house. Oh, right. Christine, I'm sorry to bother you. Can you make a curing, make a double with sugar, you know? and the first show is over and in your mind

you can't even wait. You're pissed at. Your agent even asked you about the second show. You know, I've got to do a fucking tricking show. And you do a second show and you know what, man, that whole afternoon because you tried to be a nice person and go to Joey Diaz's house or Lee Syatt's house, just ruin your night's performance because you weren't on your reggae.

Right. And guess who told me? about that shit. Marilyn Martinez told me about that. On game day, when you're a headline, it's a different day. That's totally true. It's about Tom Segura.

He wakes up, he eats his breakfast, he reads his paper, he calls his wife, he talks to the baby, they Skype. I got you Disney at the fucking airport. You turn it off. what's the move

with Ben Affleck with him and the six jerkoffs go to the moon to save the asteroid Armagedon Armagedon's on T&T guess what Tom Sigero watches it

and doses off until about 2.30 in the afternoon. You nailed it. At 2.30 you wake up, you go over your material and you know what? Because you're Tom Cigora

you go to the gym and you do 35 on the elliptical you do 25 push-ups and you do curls and you do stretching. and now you feel tremendous. You feel great. You know what?

Let's be honest. Tom's the governor ain't going out for peanuts. So you've got an option. You can walk downstairs, take an elevator, walk down to the corner, take an Uber, go to a restaurant, have 10 people come up to you, ask you for pictures. Or you can open up the room service.

You eliminate the charge in your mind. This is what you pay for for peace of mind. You get the chicken. them breast covered in mushrooms or whatever the fuck they got that looks good you're eating in your room you don't even have to leave your room they come you bring it that's what i do now and that saves me the book is the most important thing in your world is those two shows it's not going to meet who these uncles got a museum an hour from here yeah exactly i don't even you know what in my mind i always plan about going on jiu jitsu school i call every town before i

go and there's great guys that have offered me their gyms I don't want to leave the hotel no that's what I'm saying at all. If jih Tzu is not walking distance I don't want to live life to occur around the hotel

that's how easy when it comes to comedy on Sunday you want to get to the airport 25 minutes you drink a protein shake on the way there you take your vitamins once you're there you pray to God something's open right Yeah.

You pay everything you can to cut to the express lane. Have you joined Clear? Yeah. The best. I'm Clear and TSA. TSA rejected me. But after a while, they haven't given me TSA because they know who the fuck they're dealing with. You know what I'm saying?

Fuck you in your face. Dude, do you know what the thing is? If you're clear and TSA, I mean, I didn't know until I sign up. So I sign up for Clear and then they go, oh, you're pre-checked? I go, yeah. They walk you to the front. So now TSA will have a line They walk you to the front of the TSA line

And then the clear agent Tells the TSA Oh yeah He's TSA and he just goes Yeah And then they just walk you right to the fucking Security It's a party

Lee Syrac clear out of LAX now You're clear I don't find that much out of you Listen this is I put my two fingers down And I put my eyes in There's a picture of me come up Yeah. The first thought I think about is living like a doctor.

Yeah. And I always put a five in the chick's hand. You do? Listen, out of respect, who does that for you? Who does that for you? He just looked at me the last two times. The chick looked at me halfway. Like, nobody's ever done me a tip.

Because from now on, Clears is going to get popular. And there's going to be a bunch of white type people here. But you'll see me. And there's always going to be a $10 bill with my hand. I'm going to give it to you with the ID because she walks you leave like, excuse me it's like nothing you could ever do in your life

Excuse me Do you go to the bank? I just go a bunch of fives or something like this? Oh yeah, no, you have to go prepare it always You stop and get a hundred and tens Excuse me Excuse me And dog somebody could be ready to put their box on it

She's like Excuse me She takes the boxes out for you even helps you with your jacket. Thank you, Mr. Diaz. See you next time. You feel like a half a mutt. Oh, man.

You just cut through to one of people who've been waiting there. They're suffering. Where's Tony Bennett, cuck, sucker? That is the best when they just look at you, like, what the fuck just happened?

I want to be around to pick up the pieces. This is Tony Ben. When somebody breaks your heart, some somebody twice as smart as I'm alive, yes, he's torn with Lady Gaga, right? What? I think he was, at least. What?

He's torn with Lady Gaga? Who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. This song came out the day I was born. I'm 54. Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company wait and see I mean I want to be around.

The last time I left your podcast, I downloaded the Leonard Saturday night What was it? No, no, Saturday night fucking, whatever it's called. The Littin's getting song. Right?

Saturday night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saturday night special. Yeah, Saturday Night Special because you were talking about that. And this shit is, that's a beautiful song, man. Tony Bennett.

I'm going to download it too. I know. I do. 100%. It's funny. We used to have a bar. And as soon as my mom walked into the bar, she turned the alarm off. He turned the lights on. She'd go behind the bar.

She put the water on, put soap in, so the water would start getting ready. You know, she turned the lights on the back. And the first thing she did was turn the jukebox on, and then she would take quarters. And if these quarters, what she did, what I did as a kid, sometimes she'd go take a roll of quarters and put red shoe polish on it, red nail polish. And that meant there was a whole quarter. So the jukebox guy would give those quarters back. Oh, okay.

It's just like I'm putting my own quarters in here. So if you pick up a quarter and it's 1974 and it's got red fucking nail polish on it, that's one of my mom's quarters guys. That's wild, dude. Somebody sent me a picture years ago when I was doing Beauty and the Beast. somebody sent me a picture.

They're still out there. Of those quarters? Of those quarters. Fucking crazy. Did she like Tony Bennett? She liked this song because my dad, something with her and my dad.

I don't know what it was. So the first song she always played was this little jam. You know what I'm saying? So Tom, do you mess with people with Spanish? Because people don't think you speak Spanish? Or no? Not intentionally.

Usually it's just somebody would say something. And then I would respond and they go, oh, like, you know. So it doesn't happen that often? I mean, it happens, but it's not like, you know, what will happen is like, you know, the guy will come to my house and they start talking to another guy about work he's doing something on my house. And then as that conversation goes on, I'll jump in in Spanish and then they're like, oh, then they kind of like stand up a little bit straighter. Like, we can't talk behind his back. you know that kind of thing

how's it going to teaching your son's Spanish it's going great I mean you know he's two so he he speaks he speaks uh he understands English and Spanish right now and he's I mean he says a few more English words

but he says a lot of Spanish words that's pretty cool yeah it's definitely cool does Mercy speak Spanish no but she knows what the fuck I'm saying yeah she knows what the fuck I'm saying

it's uh And I know she knows what the fuck I'm saying Because she responds to it And number two, I played the same game at that age When I can, you know, when you're When you come from another country, you want to fit in? Yeah I didn't want to speak Spanish no more

So my mom cut me a deal in the house You could speak Spanish But up there you're going to speak English But then I started getting cocky And I'm like, I'm not even speaking Spanish in the fucking house. How you like me now, bitch? So she was like, no, man. So from now on, when you ask me for something, I don't know nothing.

So if you want money for sneakers or the gun of the age, can I ask me in Spanish. Well, she made you keep saying it. So I'm very proud of that I tell you that she made me keep speaking. Yeah. She wouldn't respond to me unless I spoke to her in Spanish. Wow.

But when you got here, how were you when you got to Jersey or whatever? Three, maybe, two. And at that point, you definitely only spoke Spanish, for sure. Yes, yes. And I spoke Spanish a majority of that.

You know, at the bar, they spoke Spanish. It was all Spanish bar. Pretty much, you know. But the people who in there spoke Spanish. You know, and they spoke to me in Spanish. Yeah.

What are you thinking? Thinking about what? Like, what are your thoughts? What language are they in? What language are who in? Your thoughts, he wants to know what language you think in. Like, do you think your thoughts in English or Spanish or both? I have a lot of thoughts.

I have a lot of worlds that I laugh at. You know what I'm saying? Like, I have one of the coldest stories. You know, I can't. from a society that I spoke Spanish up to about 72 and then from 73 to 79 to my mother died it became a thing called Spanglish right everybody spoke spanglish very funny very very hilarious the words that they chose yeah to pick you know and I think I was goofing you today with the Lewis C.K thing yeah there was a guy on

I was growing up. That was not a comedian. He was a bookmaker. He would jerk awful lot? No, and he hung out at my mother's bar. And he was there. He was one of these guys that got a job years ago and claimed disability.

And after that, he paid the doctrine percentage to claim him on disability. And he collected a check, plus unemployment. Those days, it was a scam. Yeah. So you got an employment. Oh, yeah, it was go to the doctor

to be six months, give him an X of 300, and he kept your fucking disabled in those days. And the doctor would come to my mother's bar. So it was just a paternal scam that went on. And then he would go back to work for six months, but in the winter. So in the summer they lay him off, so he'd be there taking baseball bets.

But anyway, he was just one of those guys who was a fixture at my mother's bar. He would get there at 10 and sit at the bar and make some calls and walk to the corner. Then he'd come back. I don't want to say, B's either. He would start off with beers till about lunchtime,

then about after lunch, then he'd start with the hard stuff, but at 501, he was home. And I grew in a love, and in fact, the night before I did Gotham for the New York Comedy Festival, I got together with some friends

at a bar called Bar 1 in North Bergen, my high school teacher bar. He was my seventh grade teacher. bar. And a kid showed up Dean LaPreet and he brought up this guy Arnardo because this kid Dean LaPreet

I know him so long that he went to my mother's bar and one day we're playing with football and we tried to cut the bat open to put rocks in it to tape it up to make the bat heavy so you can hit the bar go the ball would go farther sure and I cut my thumb right there

and the scar is still right there I cut it with the cut the knife I had to cut lemons with. And he goes, what have happened to that guy? And I go, you know, man, I've gone through Facebook looking for his kids, Google, I feel lucky. I never traced his kids back, not one of them.

He had two daughters and a gay son. And in the 70s, if you were Cuban, and you had a gay son, it was something that was taboo, you know. Yeah. I loved him the same. He said some of the funniest, fucking things I ever heard in my life.

In fact, I said one of them today to somebody. Like, we were talking at the bar one time. I must have been 17 in conversation, you know? And we were talking to my dicks or something. Like, he would always ask me, like, what's going on when you were that skinny chick? You fucking?

Yeah. Like, you know, like, he wasn't my uncle, but he was unofficially my uncle. Sure. and I really liked them. He had kids. His wife was called La Gallega. That's a different part of Cuba, and they cook tremendous.

She used to cook and send food to the bar. So we were like a family, but he would always ask him. Like one time, I used to dry hump this girl. So drove my mother crazy. So I used to lock my door. So my mother made him get a ladder and put it against the side of the house when I was dry hump in New York

and he made him go up and I kind of heard something on the side of the of the I kind of heard something and finally through the air conditioner I heard the ladder fall and him fall and he slipped and he broke like his ankle and I go back

there and he said what are we doing on we were fixing the air conditioning like he was just a solid dude like I like him but he told me two things one time one time we were in conversation and he was talking and he goes what are you crazy or what

he goes out of the faggots suck my dick one time with an ice cube in his mouth he goes he goes yeah la Oca frie compa de carrigo

and he was dead serious and what he said was he let him like we were just talking we were just talking like I'm like 16 it sounded romantic yeah and there was like a fagg at the bar

you know, like, hanging out. And he was like, look at that fag over there. And, you know, like, and he was like, they'd have to tell you the story about the time. Oh, the facts. Like, my dickland ice cube, but his... Mom! Don't. I'm like, no.

You did not. No, you did not say that to me. And he looked at somebody. He goes at this. He goes, his mouth was cold. It felt tremendous. And I just fucking... But then another time was it. His mouth was cold.

That sounds terrible. But in Spanish, he goes, Oh, yeah. He goes, oh, yeah, he's a little mamun to, me a mum of your, compa, teher la boca friella. See. And then another time, I had already, I was about 18, and I was bartending.

I was still in high school, and I would bartend one afternoon shift. And all my friends were there. We were all smoking. smoking dope and drinking. And he, like I said, he would hang out every day till five times ago. And like a week before that, my friends got him high. He was talking about smoking dope,

and they rolled the big bamboo, and they got him fucked up. He was on the table just laying there, and the next day he called me, he was like, what was in there? I don't remember walking home. I mean, he was just a funny dude. Yeah.

So I had a friend called Darren Rago. who was a bodybuilder, steroid, fucking nut, cocaine, solid, dude. Solid, you would love the Tom's together. You know, I hang out with his cousin. His cousin always says, you know what's crazy, Coco, right now? Darren would be in California with you. I know that for a fact. And by now, he would have smacked three people.

He would have been my personal Mike Tyson. Darren did not fuck around. especially after 80 when that white powder came around. He became... Is he not around anymore? No, he died. Before he died, he had gotten arrested for attempted murder.

I knew him all my life. He was my brother. But he saw his mother get cancer and die in front of her. He never recovered from that time. When you see your mom one day and she's healthy, and the next day you know you got to pick her up and put him in the bathtub. That affects you.

a certain way and he already had they had gotten divorced. That's what it was. The divorce triggered it and the mom with the cancer put the fucking and 80 this was it. This was the answer. There was no other answer. There was no, let's hold hands and say a prayer. Yeah. The answer was let's go snore the fucking eight ball. And then he added

Decker to the fucking mix. And now the juice, the contest, the cocaine, the whole thing. There's an interesting story that the guy almost got me one night. And I grew up with this dude. Let's just name is Tommy. And when I'd ask the guy, because I knew he was a Cokehead. He goes, yeah, what do you want?

He wants like a G-bo or something. He goes, give me a hundred bucks. I said, you got it on you? He goes, no, I've got to call the guy. We'll go, we'll call the guy. He goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. You got to call the guy. You got to give me the money.

and I bought side away from. You know what Thompson Giver? I know you a long time. Yeah. I'm not just giving you a yardstick. Oh, the dude. This went on for 10 minutes. I finally,

I said, forget about it. And I looked at him and I go, I know you a long time. If you were going to beat me, just telling me, well, a year later, I hear this story. Same thing, but he did it to my friend, Rego.

He took the money. Rego didn't play. Rago went to his house the next morning, knocked on the door. You know when people have glass squares by their door, the curtains in front of them? Rago just put his hand through one of them, opened the door and let him in. He ran in Darren. Darren punched him.

He went through the table. It did a table. Darren pulled the leg and started hitting him in the head with it. Cops came. Darren got arrested for attempted murder. He was out on bail when he died. That's a true story. Darren was ready to start fucking...

I saw him pick up a dude one time and throw him over a fence in front of the VFW. Another time, me and him couldn't get coke. There was a fucking snowstorm. I told Lee the story. We couldn't get cocaine, and we were sitting at a bar called Joan Marys.

And this is the bar. Yeah. We're facing this way. That's what the TV is. That's what the pool table is. But there's a window here. And me and him have our drinks here. And we're looking out the window at the fucking six inches of snow

and how cars are out. And we're praying for his Coke dealer to get here. There was no Coke on Thursday because of the blizzard. There's no Coke on Friday because of the blizzard. And now there's sadly and there's still not Coke. The George Washington Bridge is closed, Jack. unless you got a canoe you're not getting into the city

so we had one guy who kept saying man I don't know if my car might get stuck there's three feet of snow out there couldn't even get the newspaper in those days fuck

me and this guy are sitting there I told Louie that I told Louie that I told the Christ killer this was sitting there and he's fuming there and we look and there's a guy

minding his business cross-country skiing. Like, wait, it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, this is New Jersey. This is Bergen-Line Avenue. Like, you want to go skiing? He goes to the mountains. Yeah, right. Right. Which guy's out there? Like, this is his lucky day. He's doing exercise. Now, I know about cross-country skiing because I was living in Colorado for a while. Yeah. And people would do it. There were people who were, like, fucking half-retarder. Like, you go down the hill now. You want to fucking pull. You.

pull yourself here's this poor bastard I'll never forget this pulling himself down the fucking Bergen line Avenue Bergen line is like Broadway in fucking New York City yeah but there's no traffic but this guy is going down Darren looks at this guy and he goes look at this fucking guy and he goes he looks at me goes let's just fuck him up and next thing you know like he just pushed me and he started chasing the guy down I'll never forget this The guy's pulling himself, like, you know, sing him like a Darvus Day song. Yeah. And Darren just tackled them and started hitting him with the skis.

It was crazy. It was still like eight of us were out there kicking him. It was like a ski from the soprano. Then we dragged them. This guy had no idea what the fuck was going on. Nothing. We were all fucking pissed. Pissed.

And then we brought him and we put him over the VFW fence. And we drew the skis back then. He's back to. their mowning and growing up. We're like, fuck you. Nobody skis on a breaking a line after. We went back in the bar and guess who shows up? The Coke dealer.

The Coke dealer shows up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Everybody's fucking buying blow. Everybody's ordering doubles. We'll fucking snorting. We're having a great time. Oh, my God.

And all of a sudden, it's a quarter of three. And there's police cars everywhere. and we look at them. You didn't think to go home after doing that? 3 a.m. the bar is closed. It's 10 to 3. We're all fucking gazilled. Yeah.

The whole, there's 20 people at the bar, 16 and then their jaws are gone. Yeah. Telling the stories about the war and God knows what else. All of a sudden, we're like, what the fuck? Everybody please come out with your hands up. We're like, well, we hide the coke, but I know one of the cops. I see one of the cops, and I know that if I shake his hand and put something in it,

I might just be able to slip away. So I had like a little extra bend, though I put it in my hand. When I saw him, well, I said, hey, what's up? I put it in goes, yeah, just keep on. He goes, he's okay. case with me and he walking me. But as I'm walking away, I look

in a police car. Remember the guy we threw over the fence? Sure. He's in the back of the police car and he's just trembling, right? They got blankets on him. They got like a guy with a heater on him. He's just fucking trembling. Classic.

Jesus Christ. You fucking psychos. What a great fucking night that was. Yeah That was a crazy bar guys When we went out to dinner that night When I had to dinner with some friends We brought it up

That was about two weeks after We were getting a lot of snowstorms that year Yeah And that was about two weeks after We were having a party in there The Saturday night Now do you know the club It was Joe Mary's Joe and Mary

We were both dead The guy's name was I forget what his name was It really doesn't matter for the story. But in real life the guy was a loan shark. Yeah. The guy was a mob loan shark. Was he in the mob? I did not say that.

I said he was a mob loan shark. How do I know? Because he, to borrow money from him, you got to go to a bank. He would get you a check, but you would have to cash at a certain bank, and that's how he got his percentage. He was way ahead

of the game, and this is 80 fucking two. So don't come to me with no fucking stories. you got another one of those I don't know for you another one I didn't know if you were drinking oh yeah I never forget it was a Saturday night packed

again you know everybody's doing fucking blow who's not eating gorilla biscuits and I'll never forget a fucking cop came in undercover cop and he's like hey man

something like some violation or whatever. The owner's name was George. That was the bar owner's name George. He was a little stocky guy. You could tell that if you were going to have a problem, this was not the type of guy.

He was a bar guy, bro. Yeah. He never worked behind the bar. He always sat at the bar. He bought your drinks. You know, he spoke to you. He was a gentleman, but he watched that register. And that night this cop came in talking.

fucking shit. And he goes, can you do me a favor? Can you show me your bed? Bro, the bar was 50 deep with all of us in there snort and blow and God knows. And he asked the cop in front everybody at like fucking two in the morning. Let me see the badge again. The cop. The cop was like all jovial about it with some other guy his backup. He showed it to him and George's looking, spinning the guy's badge. He goes, do me a favor. You call your love. You call your love. local, whatever. You told him you came in here and George Smith in your beds. I get the fuck out of my bar.

That bar fucking froze, Jack. That's when we knew, and I knew I was dead because I owed him like fucking 8,000, because I kept borrowing from him. I would tell him, Tom Cigar and he's 800, but he's embarrassed to ask you. Is Tom good for it?

Tom is solid. I know Tom 20 years. All right, how much can he pay me every brick? You'll pay you 75 a week. Tom, you didn't even know you'd borrowed the money. What? You were doing that? And I would pay him under your name. Fuck. Until finally, I had to just

bail him on everybody. Jesus. It was crazy. So would he come after you? He never came after me, but when I left to Colorado, I left for like 10 months. And when I went back, I went back. That was my high school bar. That was, I went back

one night, and I went to the side door, and my friends were playing shooting pool, and I was at my buddy Stinky, who also owed money and I'll never forget we knocked on the side glass and my friends looked up and they're like now look at him and I'm like it's George here and my friend's like what and I finally when my friend opens him and goes Coco I he doing I go I go to George here no George is up here and I look up me and stinky and George is listening to the wind they goes how you boys doing it's been a while and I go yeah we wanted to see you he goes give me ten

minutes, I'll be right down. All right. We fucking got in that car and we took off. And I never saw fucking Georgia again. You understand? Oh, my God. And today, it's not Joe and Marys no more. Guess what it is?

What? It's Jose and Marius. Mexicans took it over. You know what I'm saying? Fucking Christ, man. Your story's going to be anxiety. They're so vivid. That's a crazy. That was a crazy fucking bar, bro.

You know, they were serving us when we were 16. on Bergen Ave on Bergen, Lide Avenue they were on 80 streets something like

up there listen bro we would go up there June a year think about how old you are 10 of us that were cool

you couldn't go up there and drink and you know you couldn't tell like everybody like Tom you know there's certain people

you can't bring up there this is us you would go we get a couple mugs of beer and we get potato chips Lee bar potato chips not wise

and there was no lays there was bared potato chips and we get Franks hot sauce and get a napkin and lay it out and eat potato chips and shoot pool till six like we were tough guys

you know what that feels like when you're 16 oh yeah you have the idea Lee what kind of person you would be no drugs Lee how different would you be today if every day after school

you went to a bar, shoppool, had three or four beers, ate a bag of chips, and went home, and your mom was like, how was studying? You're like,

Greg. And then it would probably be very different. Lisa had, let me explain it to you. When I look at you... Wait, you didn't do that? No, no. I did a couple times,

but the only sorrow I have is that I didn't meet Lisa at when I was 16. Because right now, as sad as this is, leave it away at 600 pounds. Two doors down from that bar, Joe Married. All right, a block, six blocks to the south of it was the original, my loyalty. Don't cook tonight, called Chicken Delight. That's how I became an American.

Hot dogs, McDonald's and Chicken Delight. But up the corner, two doors next to that bar, was something else. It was like chicken delightful. And it was owned by Richie Seidel, a little part-time bookie. His kid was retarded and we were kids. They used to get mad at her off.

They used to get mad at him out of 1980. And they used to tie him to his bicycle and make him fly off his roof. It was hysterical. And every weekend he'd have a different babysitter. And if he had 10 babysitters, I sucked four of their tities. Because that's where you went to outside.

live at the fucking 11 o'clock hysterical Thompson going What would you have done with Lee Syatt if he was if he met him at 6'10? Lee at 10 o'clock every night like clockwork and you were at Joan Marys

the manager of the chicken place would come over with two buckets of whatever chicken they had left over from the day and they just made the chicken at 6 Lisa for two hours you would just sit there and eat fried chicken and drink fucking mugs

of Heineken for 65 cents a mug leave. How would you be? You'd be that bar. What's the show you fell in love with about Boston? Cheers. Cheers, that's you. They used to give you for free

at this bar. Joe Marries for free. As soon as you walked in, Lila was the bartender. And for free, there was a circle. And on that dish, you know, like when you go to subway and have the dishes, the sandwiches for parties, no, no, no, no. This was a circle like that, but it was white bread with ham and Swiss cheese, with a little bit of mayo, maybe a nice piece of tomato. And they would put them on, they'd be like a thousand of these things under a container.

And if you were drinking, you were allowed to pick up the container and eat one and put one back like a normal American. That's what a normal human being does. Oh my God, me and my buddies would destroy those days. We would smoke dope, go to Joe Marys, order two mugs of beer, a bag of two of chips. We'd just eat every chip on the rack. In those days, they'd have chips on the rack. We'd just take every bag of chips and eat every fucking sandwich in there. 16 they were serving us.

Jesus Christ, man. Sounds like fun. It's not that it's fun. It's just thinking of what, how different society was. And people knew it. Tom's a girl, people knew it.

Oh, dude, it was different. Even when I was a teenager, we would go into bars, you know? Like, we would drink. People would serve you at their homes,

at their, like, if they knew you weren't one of those just fuck off kids, like, you know, just you weren't a jerk off, people that I knew

would serve you in high school. And not in like a, oh my guy, you're getting away with something. They were just like, you can handle yourself. You're fine. They'd give you a drink. I had a couple parents, friends of parents that were crazy. And it was coming particular.

I told me, you can do whatever you want in my house. Just don't have a drink in my house. Who told you that? A couple of friends and parents. Oh. One in particular said, you come home in my house, you can eat, sleep here. I just don't ever want you drinking in my house. I'll never drink with you.

I don't want it. You know, and it was cool. It was cool. I knew he drank, and I drank, and I'm still friends with his coffee. Oh, I got you. Okay. You mean, like, as a kid, the parents would tell you that, yeah. I don't like it.

You don't like? I won't drink in front of mercy. Yeah. I don't want alcohol in the house. Really? No. From my perspective, know what it did to me.

Seeing. I know the freedom it gives you. You know, your parents are your heroes. And so, whatever. Once they see your heroes drinking, it's okay to drink. Yeah. Once they see you smoking a cigarette, okay to smoke. Your parents are heroes.

You know? Yeah. I never thought of it like that, actually. If they see you doing coke, what are their chances that they're going to do coke? It's probably a lot higher, yeah. So are you careful with weed then at home or no? Very careful. And that's why I know that within a year I have to stop.

She watches. She watches. And she moves around the house like a snake. You don't even see her coming. I'll be very careful with her. So you keep, like, in a private, like, locked stash, that kind of thing? I got it hidden somewhere, hidden somewhere. Yeah.

But even if she opens it, she can't see it. you know it's very hidden she's gonna trip out one day when she learns about her that's weed tolerance man she's gonna lose her mind well you never know you never really know your 10th level with that for sure it's how you approach things as a parent and you want the best for your kid thomson you know what your kid to do blow or pills of course you want to you the best. You know, you want them. You know, you look at them. First you say you want a healthy child,

then you want a child that fits into society, you know, through his grammar school years in high school. I don't need them to be a high school star or anything. I'll take a fucking kid. You know what I don't mean? I don't mean, it would be nice to have a fucking lineback row over there, Penn State, as you son.

So you can smack some bitches, you know what I'm saying? Sling some dick. Then you'll lose to C.K. Look and ask you really take your dick out at the fucking Penn State Theater. And say, here's one for Joe Paterno. And his cousin. What was his cousin's name? The Ku Klinsky.

What's the cousin? Who are you talking about? The football coach in Penn State that's doing 11 years. Zandowski. Zendosky. It's fucking crazy, man. It's nuts. It's good to see.

see you always. Always good to see you. You're a breath of fresh air. It's nice to see you do it well. You know, your wife is a fucking knockout as usual. I haven't seen the channel. I'm excited. Dude, we're going to have so much fun tomorrow, man.

I'm so happy you're coming on. Your comedy is fucking second. Now, what's a special coming out, man? It's coming out January 12th. So this is your fourth Netflix special? Third. You like fucking Johnny Netflix. I don't know, man.

I'm super happy they let me do another one, man. Honestly, I'm just happy. Listen, man, where you wanted to be, this is, you know, we were talking about Tulum before and the efforts of being a feature act and a headliner. Yeah. You know, you want people to leave there and go, they paid money. I don't want to take a chance. It's like the people go, let's go out to dinner at six.

What? And do what? Talk to you about what for an hour? Right. Then they always bring the goofy friend. So how is it hanging? out with our eating this money business eat your fucking little bit right

why you're gonna get how is it hanging out with our eat your fucking food if you're gonna take me out of the dinner ask me a thousand questions yeah I'm not gonna do it that's why before showtime I don't want to see nobody that reminds me

I told you okay that reminds me of something you said one time I have no idea what you bet you said you go black people eat to talk and I go what? And you said I'm

serious. Like they go to eat to talk and you said if somebody fucking talked while I'm eating I'm gonna fucking stab him in the neck but you had a whole rant I don't know if you if you even remember saying this a whole rant about eating to talk it had never heard anything

I get in my life it drives me fucking crazy he knows the exact a trant. He knows what? You know the exact trend. You know, you know what's going on? Where? You know what he was talking about. Do you know what I'm talking about or no? I don't know nothing.

Stone to the hills yesterday. I can't believe you take a new year's off. A middle-level fucking savage like yourself. Taking it off. I'm scared. I can't lie there. About what? New years. Where are you doing it? I'm not. If I did New Year.

years, it would be the 8 o'clock show at the ice house in the small room, small, intimate, talk from the heart, end of the year review, Lee Syatt playing the drums. Why you try to do that anyways? I'm taking a family away. Oh, you are? Okay. Go to an ice beach resort up north. Good for you.

Good for the kids. You come back Monday morning the first. It's like fucking Mad Max, like the apocalypse. Yeah. There's nobody on the 101. one, I'm going to go chase a fucking nickel on nights that I'd chase. You know, I was thinking about that. When you first started out, you know, you met you emcee for a while, then you start

mailing, then you start hearing about all this money you're going to be paid on New Year's. Yeah, that's the big thing that you... I could look you in the face both of the years and tell you the honest and got true. I never got paid for big money on New Year. every fucking club robbed me oh I got fucked on a bunch of New Year's stuff but you did like

these stories about what New Year's was like is like it was such that's the hottest rumor you know but like there is some truth to it but people would be like oh you know you just hear

like someone's getting like 10 grand do something and you're like what? They're like yeah on New Year's shit really pops off I remember I meddled one on New Year's We still did five or six shows But instead of $100 a show

They gave me $150 a show For the week Because of New Year Because of New Year's And I thought that was Crazy money Like at the time I was like wait what

I'm not gonna get 600 I'm gonna get like $1,100 and they were like Yeah and I go like Holy shit this is so much money Like I really thought that was a crazy amount of money. That was getting an extra $300 or something.

And then a few years later, I remember I did a New Year's gig where the money was like just marginally more. And I looked at the ticket price. They were charging like $85 to go to some of these New Year's Eve shows. And I tried to get, you know, a little more money. I think they kicked it up like another. $250 or something.

But if you can get, you can still make crazy, you can make crazy money. Sarah and I robbed me two New Year's years in a row. Who? Never forget that. Sarah and I, she used to book the Buffalo,

the Buffalo Funny Bone in connection with the Miami Improb. To get into Miami, she threw it into Buffalo in January 1st. Oh. She didn't like you. If you weren't part of an agency, well, let's say Joe Rogan recommended you. Yeah. She told you in Buffalo first.

I got two weeks for you, Tom. Buffalo? Okay, you got Miami. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're going to Buffalo first. January 8th or the 12th. You'll be featuring for Bingo the Clown. And then the following, you go to Miami.

And you're in the middle for the hypnotist. And you're like, oh, my God. I'm quitting this. shit. Yeah. And then she robbed me a few times. I always got robbed. Rogan took care of me all those years. You know, he gave me a little bit extra. Listen, this is what I feel about

New Year's, and I'm going to be as honest as I can with you. I'm like the next guy. I like making money. I try to make money. I've been doing this for 27 years. I deserve to make money. Yeah. I ate shit for a lot of years. and I got robbed for a lot of years and my crying, no, it made me the comic I am today but

you look at what the clubs charge they want to charge some fucking piece of salmon that they got from Katrina left over some fucking guy bought 22,000 orally fucking salmon you know crab legs they want to give you all this shit and hype it up and pay the comic

And you know what, at the end of the day, it's just a fucking dumb fucking show. And if you get caught up in the food and the whole thing, and here's a guy like me telling you right now, I'd rather you come see me January 22nd somewhere. Yeah. And it's a lot easier. It's a lot painful for you. You're going to sit next to people for the late show that I haven't had a drink in six months.

I'm going to puke on your dress. I've seen shit on New Year's Evely. you're like, I was excited. Yeah. I bombed one time. New Year's? In Miami. That could be, that was a rough room, man.

Not one show, but both. I'm in front of age of Salazar. Bomb. I mean, death of a thousand dicks. Is that your worst bomb ever? No, this is one of the many. Oh, wait. One other thing I hate about this New Year's pricing is that,

The last one I did was at a club. And I think some of the things were actually $100 for like the full. Yeah, no. No, but here's the thing that sucks is that people hit you up and they go, you charge $100 to see you. And you have to explain to them that the club on that night. Yeah, and it's like. They're going to give you a bottle of champagne.

That's going to give you a headache for three days. Yeah, I didn't like that either. The grapes, they got them from Noriega. And you couldn't explain that to everybody because everybody was saying that. And you try to be fair in your mom. And you go, you know what, I would love to do a new year show. Like I said, it's a Sunday night into Monday. I would really consider an 8 o'clock show, 200 people, tops.

I would love it if they were able to smoke reefer in there. Yeah. And drink, you know, and no intermission. Three comics, you're out of there at 9.30. Yeah. Listen, you know what? No pictures. Get the fuck out.

it's going to be low end go take pictures for New Year's and jump up and down no blow just real comedy fans that want to watch a comedy show that's what I like to do but what are you going to get

that type by action sure I like your idea of doing the annex at the ice house that's it 8 o'clock everybody's home by 930 that's a great way to do it I don't want a toast I don't want you out at midnight

I really don't want you out at midnight I really don't want you out at midnight I really don't want you driving at 1 a.m. For stupidity. Unless it's Jesus talking. Why are you at a fucking New Year's Eve? Stay home.

By 10.30, you should be home. 10.30. Nice steak. Smoke a number. Get a package. I don't give a fuck if you get a heroin. As long as you're home by 10.30, shooting heroin. I don't give a fuck what you do.

Maybe don't get heroin. But every minute you stay out over 1030, you get an average, you get a hit in the head with a stick, getting busted for something, who don't do this, who's drinking and driving, who's not puking? And once you've done all those new years,

you're like, you know what, this is the last one I'm doing. Yeah, no, I like your idea of doing it in a small room. That seems to be people like, yeah, let's do the world turn, we'll do eight o'clock show, and listen, then you find out it's a ten o'clock show. Yeah. Now I've got to be down there

at ten o'clock. I know, it's too late, man. You know what, man? As dumb as this sounds, I got a family now. Guess what? I'm going to get grapes. I want to get the bottle of wine. My friend sending me that Cuban peanut brittle. Yeah.

I got family now. Let's toast a family. I need the money. I got to be out there fighting like an animal on New Year's Eve. Where are they on? Yeah, no, I agree. And then the next day, when I look, you get a foot and a half of snow. And now we're stuck at the airport fucking hotel,

for two days, leave me home. There's tons of other weeks to work. And that venue's not going nowhere. And people don't get offended. I remember doing New Year's one year somewhere. That's a high-level club. And they couldn't get the meal on time. You know what that's like when the computer goes down

on New Year's Evely? And people order Flaming Yonge and instead they're getting a piece of salmon that looks like cooking. It looks like it's 10 years old. And now you've got to go up there as the feature act and be funny. And while you're on stage, they're going, no, I ordered it medium rare. You know what that feels like, Lee? And you're getting fucking 600 for a week for eight shows.

That's what I got. That's 600 for eight fucking shows. So I paid my dues on New Year's. I cut my teeth on New Year's. God bless the people who offer me work this year on New Year's. That's my offer, and I'm sticking to it. It's too late now. Now I'm leaving on Saturday.

Where's your worst bomb? Do you know which one it is? Jesus Christ, there was a period. I was just bombing. Really? All the time. I wanted a bombing. I used to call clubs at a time.

And calling a bomb scale. Like, listen. Get ready because I want to bomb tonight. No. No, bro. When you were comic in the beginning, you have to bomb. You have to bomb. You have to bomb.

You have to bomb, and you have to bomb. And you have to bomb. You have to keep bombing and the situation's worsened. And it's just like any other fucking situation that you get yourself into that has high stakes later on down the future if you stick with it. Any of these things. Any of these dumb things that you become a specialist in doing, you have to pay your fucking dues one way or another.

I don't know what they are, but I can't describe comedy to you. You have to live it. I love the people who call. you and go, hey, didn't you say it took you five years to feature? Yeah. It took me nine years, you fucking asshole. And you sit there and go, watch the beat and this guy gets on the road. Yeah. This guy's going to get demoted so many times that he's going to quit. Right. They get demotedly. They go out of his features, and after the first night the MC's eating at lunch, bro. And the guy ain't got 22 minutes and he's hot.

eating dick. People will change a lot of the line up next night? Oh, fuck yes, they were. Oh no. Has that ever happened to you guys? It's brutal. I know a dude that started as a fucking headliner on Wednesday and by Saturday he was the house he was emceeing and I'm

telling you that I swear to my mother's grave that's a true fucking story dog. I got demoted before the show once so like not even due to the show. No you did not. Yeah, I showed up and they were like well actually no, I got the email that said, hey, we booked you to middle, but you're going to emcee. And I was like, okay.

And then the next email said, actually, you're just off the show. So they email me twice to let me know that I was demoted like the day of the show. And I'm thinking I'm going to feature for a weekend. They're like, no, you're going to emcee for a weekend. And actually, you're not going to do. So I got just kicked off the show. But I was, I did a show. I did a weekend one.

time where I was the MC and they made the middle and I switch. They demoted the... Were you doing bad or was he doing that good? No, no, no. The other way around. The middle, I was emceeing and they told me to middle and the middle to MC. The middle was doing badly. And I was having good sets.

So they switched us. Okay, one time. That was brutal to fucking witness, man. Brutal. It's embarrassing. It is, yeah. It's really. embarrassing. One time

I did so good in a feature spot in a Florida town that I made the comic quit the headliner. Jesus. Through the glass. He was so pissed because he, at that time

I was at the store and I was doing the 1245 spot following Paul Mooney every night. And I had 20 that would bury you. You know what I'm saying? The first 20 were really

I was at the store you have to follow dice yeah what are you going to do you're going to follow dice if you go up to that stage and go let's keep it going for dice what am I going to do I'm going to die

I don't even know why it came up and you died and after you take 10 it over you go okay I'm not going to surrender right off the bat I'm going to give him what he deserves and I'm going to attack these motherfuckers on everything I got and that's where you learn that strategy

that's why I love people People go, dog, I couldn't follow him because you died before you even got on stage. Don't give him the limelight. Thank Tom's the girl for coming on stage and attack him like a fucking pit bull for four minutes until they forget who the fuck Tom's the girl even was. They'll forget. If you attack him hard, the first four minutes, Tom's the girl don't even exist. They won't remember you until the way out. Oh, remember him?

He was funny too, and you're like, ah, because you attacked him. I used to lose the war in my head as a young comic. I can't follow that clean stuff. Look at all those people with white hair in the audience. It's not till I eliminated that factor. I don't want to see the audience. I don't give a fuck who they are. Yeah, just go out there and do your material.

Because once you start catering and bantering, that's where you learn to bomb. Well, they're Chinese. Yeah. There goes this. Can you smell my feet? There goes this set. You know, like if you go, I have a bunch of Chinese people. I'm going to do a set about the guy I re-rended that was Chinese.

There goes that eight-minute bit. If you don't do that bit, you just lost in your head. You're totally right. Do that bit with all the confidence in the world that you have. Do that bit, like if you were in front of 20 white people. In fact, I want you to turn to them as you do that bit because the more confidence you show, the more they're going to laugh their ass off.

Because they're Chinese. They know they can't drive. They have a hard time walking around at the airport. They all stop at the door at the airport. You were like rushing to get to your gate. They all stop and look around. Like, what the fuck you look at that? Move.

Move, the fuck. This is the end to the exit. They want to sit there and look around. Man, this is... Look at the lighting in here. This is a great journey. Yeah. This is a great journey.

This has been a great journey for a guy like me. It's been a great journey. for a guy like you. Definitely. What made you get on stage? I mean, you were college-educated, nice. I mean, I just, I always wanted to perform, man. That's the truth. I just wanted to be in comedy. I didn't think it was going to be stand-up. I really thought I was going to be like a comedic actor, you know, like be on TV, be in movies. Like, that was the thought for me. No, you've still done TV and movies.

I mean, I've done, you know, a couple lines here and there. You're interested in the recurring show and taking you off the roof. six weeks and just focusing on something two days a week like that's all i ever won yeah that'd be great man listen i don't want to be number one i don't want to be the joey dia show yeah i want tom sagura to have his own show and i'm the guy that comes in every three episodes to break his balls yeah for five minutes and he loves joie yeah i love joey christine but uh every once in wanting him to come over here and straighten me out on the different, you know. Yeah. That's all I

wanted to do. Yeah. That's it. The neighbor, the garbage man. Yeah, for sure. I grew up watching good times and all those type of shows. They were character-driven. And it was a guy that came on every two weeks and you yearned

for him, but they didn't throw him in your face to save the show. I'm not there to steal the show from Tom and Christine. Yeah. I'm there to add flavor one week. You know what I'm something with the kid. Sure. Whatever.

When you stay home, you focus on that, you eat some fucking Warner Brothers food, right? Why fight yourself and go on the fucking, you just work on a set

for a couple of days? It's not the same money on the road, but you focus on that and you get some more experiences to write off of. You know, there's always something.

Yeah. The last five years, like I said, I got caught up. I always loved going on the road and I fucking get it. I love going on the road. the road four or five weeks of the time.

By the third week, you're just destroying audiences. Yeah. You're just destroying them. You know, you warm up on Thursday night, and Friday and Saturday you get your beat to you, and you're just leveling them. And if not, you learn how to level them. You take an old bit and put it in between this bit,

and middle it here, and lie this one here, and next thing you know, it's a great fucking feeling. But the other side of that is fuck. I've already done the eight-week runs and the six-week runs and the 10-week runs. And now I was down to the last year and a half. I'm into the two-week-a-month runs.

And even that's getting to me a little bit. It's wearing on you. Yeah, because sometimes you get that four out of five-week thing. Yeah, yeah. So even though it's two a month. Right. Yeah, yeah, I know exactly that. That's a slick agent move, too.

They're like, yeah, you're just going to work. You're going to do two weeks every month. So you can do the last week to this one month. and the first two weeks of the next month, you're like, oh, come on more. Can't do that shit, no more. No. I need a time.

She's growing. Yeah. You know. You like being home, too. You're a good in-town guy. You like it. It's a good feeling, too, by the way. I'm not saying it in a negative way.

I'm saying like... Let me tell you something, man. You live in Los Angeles. You move to Los Angeles for a reason. Come to me with whatever reason you may have. You move to you. here for a central reason, a square root, as they say in math. That square root is to walk out of here something.

Somebody, something, a writer, a casting guy, whatever the fuck you do. If you live in Los Angeles, wherever the fuck you live, guess what? I want to go to meetings? I want to be involved. What does involvement mean? I got to be fucking Jack Brousson. I got to be Harvey Weinstein It means that

This studio is doing 10 movies a year There's not three roles At three of those 10 movies That's you're trying to tell me to go There's an intelligent Guy that's lived here a long time Same thing with all this programming On Netflix, Hulu original programming,

iTunes, Amazon has original programming not to mention the four networks. There's not six episodes of you. You don't see yourself. I'm not saying Tom's to go with a comic. I'm saying Tom's to give with a funny guy in the surgery room. Yeah.

You don't think there's six episodes for you somewhere? For sure, man. I'm sorry, so that would be 10 weeks off the road. You wouldn't be making the same money, but it would throw you off and give you a little bit more insight, and you wouldn't just feel like a piece of meat that you're out there constantly. All these agencies were with,

they just don't have one floor. They have five or six floors. Yeah. I know I'm not involved in five or six operations, but there's three of those floors I can help you in. Yeah. And I want everybody involved instead of, like I told you, the Nelly story,

they gave them the TV show, and UTA said, what are you crazy? So what are you? you're going to pay him after the executive producer and after the actor and the creator you're going to give him what 150,000 that's what in our pocket what's 10 points of 100000 yeah 15 yeah but if you put him on the road like a fucking hooker yeah on Friday and Saturday let him sing uh it's getting hot in here yeah don't take off all your clothes and you throw water

at him and him is eight little fucking st louis fucking buddy's john bump and down. They fucking net $250. You know what? T-shirts and merchandise and now he gives you a hug and a kiss. So that's a half a miller weekend.

That's fucking $50,000 commission. What do you want? You want $15,000 or $50,000 commission? Yeah. What do you want, guys? What are you want the best for your client? But sometimes you have to control that a little more and go to rolls to hear.

And when you do get the audition, you have to prepare. You know, I can't see anymore. Those days are gone. Those days are going in and using the paper part-time are gone. When I go to an audition that I really want, like the one I went in the last week for the Mick.

I was all booked, Jack, completely. I brought it in there to have a base. I always bring them in there just to have a starting point. Did you go in for the role of Bert? Yeah. Yeah. Perth Belliger. Were you there too?

Yeah, yeah. Everybody was there. I saw Brian Persane. I saw two guys from the soprano. Who was there when you were there? Who was there? Oh, Adam Ferrara. Right?

That's his name? I think that's his name. Wow. And John Daly, I think is his name, like the golfer. And then who else was there? A couple of guys, but those two guys for sure. Julie Ashton, she cast. Yeah.

All that. She cast me in four. four pilots. She's great. Three TV shows. She's really great for you, but I think she's the best thing. She called me one time

at a quarter of six. I said, I don't know if you can do me this favor. There's a pilot call NYPD Blue 2069. It's three lines. It's a co-star.

If it gets picked up, it's recurring because it's a newspaper guy in the corner. Can you do it? Can you be a fox and a half hour? Fuck here? She took care of me

and paid me a lot. extra. I had nice lines, two lines. I was out of there by 11 o'clock at night. I read the pilot and had no chance in hell, I getting picked up. There wasn't a network in America. This thing, really? Oh, man.

Nah, man, I like to do a couple movies a year or something. You've done a lot of it, though, man. It's impressive. My MDB is rocking. I can't even... What's the matter? I'm saying, like, it's impressive, man. I look at my IMDB every six months, and I scroll, and I cannot believe that I can truly look in the eye, and I told Lee this and the people before, I thought I would be an extra one time on a TV show.

Really? When I got here, there was a girl. She's still here maybe doing comedy. And she was doing extra work, and she was telling me how much fun she was doing. She was doing extra sag work on friends. so the fuck with her friends at home she would put certain objects on the set while the people weren't watching

you know what I'm saying? Like she would put this weed thing in the chair and they would tape with the weed thing and then she'd go take it and hopefully it would make the cut like she was having so much fun she was loving it okay

there was a guy at the store that was very creepy and he would always come up to me and go they were shooting the titan and Ensenada at the time. I think it's insinada. Don't fucking yell at me,

people. It wasn't Ensonata. They were shooting the Titanic somewhere from San Diego, you know, like I was from San Diego. And every day they were looking for extras. And this guy's scam was he took a polar order of you.

You paid him 50 bucks, and then you went down there, stood out of line like a slave. And they gave you $50 for the day if you made it. But I did know a guy, the guy that opens the elevator, He was an extra dog. You know what his first residual check was for opening up the elevator?

What? You don't want to know. What? Like 30 Gs. No. Oh, my God. For opening the door? The elevator.

Remember one that's flooding downstairs? I just saw him about a month ago. He's still here. He's a commercial guy. And he had a line? Or he just? Yeah, when he tells him, run in here. And he's all scared and shit.

She comes in. It's flooding. And he opens a game. gate, he closes it, he pushes the button, he has a line it to. His first check put him right in an apartment, got him a little car. Wow. I shot a Coke commercial with him after I died Coke that was international. He's a commercial guy.

Yeah, dude. Your resume for acting is nuts. Because I wasn't getting any love as a comic. There was no zero. And I didn't deserve any. let's be honest let's be strictly honest nobody was touching me

but theatrical agents were signing me and commercial people I would walk into any mid-level agency and get fucking signed within minutes in those days

it was the big ones that would not touch me they would fucking take my envelope and put me through hell which is what I needed at the time I needed a a Gersh

theatrically as a character agent. Somebody who sent out characters. Then I did get with the best character comedy guy, but by that time, he lost it at that time. But I was with a chick for a while. That was very good. Her name was Nancy Hoff. And I was turned on to her by a really good manager.

She's not in it anymore, or you're just not with her anymore? No, no, no. We both moved on. but she was somebody that I met with when I was looking for agents. My manager took me to like three different agencies where they offered you water and shit and they validated your parking.

At the time, unless you lived here in like 98, 2000, you remember Highland. Going up Highland. Think about going up Highland. Yeah. Past the, what's the fucking hard rock place?

The Rock place. place over there where terry used to work is it highland or a brayer how do you get on the one-on-one north anybody you go north on highland okay if you pass that place the disney concert hall

yeah that shit that Hollywood and Highland thing there yeah but if you would make that first turn there was a building there that was decapitated it looked like it was about to go down okay wow so this agent Christmas week he goes Joey we got to get you a pile

My agent that I had that was also very good. A black lady. My first agent was called the coloring book. That was the name of the... They were on the Warner Brothers lot, and they were black. And the one chick was a badass agent, and the other one was an attorney. Bro, they got me a pilot.

They closed a nice deal for me. They were badass bitches. But her and her husband broke out. So they left me out there like a hot potato. So my agent, He showcased me. I got him some interest from CIA at the time, but they were like,

he's a good character actor, but we don't want him comedically at all. Like at all. I don't even tell us he's a comic. He's terrible. So I'll never forget. I met with this big dude who was still around. I forget what his name was.

One of those places where they offered you water and shit at like 10.30. Yeah. And then at one, we met with this other guy on Wilshire Boulevard. I still remember the building. The guy was a greasy fuck. Just telling me all types of lies.

You ever sitting across from those guys, Tom Sagar? You know what? Before you came in here, I looked at your headshot, and I saw something. Oh, yeah. And I called Tarantino. I told him, Territon. What's Tarantino? Quentin.

Quentin. And these guys will tell you this, people. They will fucking tell you this. like I just got off the phone with Quentin and we're really interested in you getting this row and you're sitting there coming in your pants because you go to Cincinnati

and pick up $250 this week and your plane ticket is $100 because you have to sit in the back next to his escapes convicts from some fucking Oh my God Lee you have no idea Lee what those reasons are like Dude I remember one guy One time was like hey I think I have this thing

Like you only have to do do this is like early on like host this event like a live event in san diego pays like two grand would you be interested in that and i was like what and this is and then he goes do you have a media kit i don't even know what the fuck that was man so i started to like make shit not knowing how to do it type up and format documents and then i i sent it to him and he was i was like you get it he goes yeah yeah i'll hit you right back and then those the guy that like those guys that make big promises like just never hit you back. So you just wait on that call.

Oh, the beginning. It's horrible. It's horrible. It's the worst man. When they pay and when you send them the stuff and they give you the dates, then the dates come and they go with somebody else. And you're like, what the fuck?

And you really need the fucking rent money. But Tom, you were fortunate. You took what you had. You're a funny fucking guy. You know, you're the real deal, dog. Thanks, buddy. And that's why where you are today, you and this Bert. That's a TV show that I'm watching this.

Hold on. Let me give a shout-outs. We'll do that topic. Yeah. You're the fuck out of here. All right, man. And then we'll go back to prison food because I know you're still very interested. Looking at me all Louis C.K.

Christian Edwards, Bob Lillinger, you know, I love you. I know it was a tough Thanksgiving. I got your cocksucker. Kevin Kay, Robbie Danger, whatever. Alex, Honeymatch,

Lorne Rosenker, I love you. Jay Biggs over in Pittsburgh and Sherry Robeck. Don't forget about me next Sunday at the Novo,

downtown in L.A. with my man, Wheeler Walker. How did that come together? Don't worry. What's with the question? What are you, fuck, a variety?

All of a sudden, you work for variety. And then Monday, I'm at the observatory in San Diego with Wheeler Walker Jr. and your uncle Joey. And then Tuesday, 12.5, we're again at the observatory in Santa Ana. Tickets are going fast. They're fucking cheap, $20. It's the pussy king, man. Don't get that shit.

He's the pussy king. There'll be freaks there if you like fingering motherfuckers. This will be your type of night. You know what I'm saying? Just walk around like a good juke with Vaseline on one finger. that's all you need. Two hands and two fingers of Vaseline. What finger do you put it on?

Me, I'm a slimy fuck, so I put it on four fingers. You gotta catch what you can't. Sometimes you catch them with the hoof, the back of the pinky. You know Uncle Joey how they're working. Tell me. What? How did it come together that you're doing shows of Wheeler? I met him twice.

Yeah. And we spoke about it, and he said he was doing some bigger venues. And he wanted to use a comic, what did I think? I'm going to give it a try That's awesome man That's fucking awesome I'm a big fan I'm uh

It's time for comics to start opening up For bands again Yeah It's time for comedians To start opening up for UFO And you know Dean Delray had put something together This year a bus store Yeah

With uh Some band And then they realized They couldn't fit the two comics On a bus Which Jesus Christ How old are we now

Yeah yeah You're an adult You want to be in a bus fart And your feet you know what I'm saying I want to go to the bus tour like I want to be raped you know what I'm saying

that's how I want to go to I don't know I ever want to go to bus store you call me up with a bus tour that's what the conversation is I'm an adult I want a hotel room listen I'll sit in the back of the plane but I don't want no bus

I can't sleep with somebody driving really? Yeah I just can't do unless I'm driving I'm not I don't listen I'm not going to sit there next to you I know how life is. One minute I'm dreaming about getting my dicks up

the next minute I'm going off a cliff because the fucking joint is burning on your shirt. Fuck you. How you're like responsible drivers, Joey? Who? The bus companies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see it all the time like the little retarded chink

that died in the back of the bus because they left them back there from heat exposure. Poor little retarded chink. You don't let go. What are you talking about? Al-Aid just sued this little fucking retardant kid. Every fucking other week, there's something with a bus driver and getting high texting.

You know. I don't know that one. You know about the old Chinese kid that fucking died of heat exposure. No. He was back there squeaking. Oh, fuck. Don't you beep up CNN?

Don't you? Yeah, I must have missed that one, man. What's the future like for Thompson, What do you want, brother? I mean, right now you've got the world by the balls. You're doing theaters. You're doing well in the theaters. I mean, you're a great guy.

You deserve everything you've gotten. You're a great writer, you know? Thanks, man. I don't know. Dude, I want to keep doing it. And I want to... I mean, I'm trying to develop a show, honestly. So, hoping that that pans out to something.

And, yeah, man, I'm trying to make a movie. trying to do a couple things. You don't know the crazy things about TV shows are right now. Listen, you think about your life. And you go, you know what? I like a show on that fact. Because they're not going to go there every day and break my balls.

Yeah. The reason why you get into comedy is because you don't want a job. Yeah. Once a comedian feels like he has a job, that's when we don't respond well. That's when the problem start. This can never feel like a job. If we wanted a job, we would have quit this a long time ago

and took it a nine to five. Right. That's the problem for me. I never wanted to feel like a job. You still have a ticket seriously. I wanted to feel like when I go to somewhere to do a free set, and when I go somewhere on Friday and get paid, I want the same feeling.

Right. I wasn't getting it lately. I just want to get on stage and get the fuck off. That's it lately. Yeah, I want to fall in love with it again. Do you think time away will do that? Time ends up. I'm saying?

Time away. Going on the set and working and I'm working with a few asshole directors and doing some dumb shit

from time to time makes you realize how good you got in a stand-up world and at the same time you're writing you're writing from a different perspective

you're writing with a gun to your head pushing jokes that really don't work but they have to work because you're on the road getting $25 a ticket yeah

do you follow me? Yeah I go to flappers Monday through Thursday I call Barb Come on, I go listen. Monday through Thursday, I'm closing the show from now on. I'm going to charge

you all guts. I'm not going to tweet it. I'm not going to do nothing. That's your job. But I'll be there every night and 10th day to close the show. That's my fucking 90 days of training. On Friday and Saturday, I'll take it to the battlegrounds or take it to the comedy store.

Follow Ron White and see what you think now, bitch. See if that little Jokey Poo works behind Ron White. That's the way to do it. Yeah. But for you, you to kill audiences with new jokes in Omaha and then try to go back the next year. I just don't want to do it.

I try to space it out every 18 months. That's the good schedule. They hear it again, and they've been hearing it now. I want to change my whole demeanor. I've changed. Are you with me? Yeah. I've changed.

You know, the Jew jokes used to be funny. The eating somebody's monkey used to be funny. This is how, Madonna changes. Everybody changes. Yeah, so you feel that transition. Yeah, and I'm not talking about it. I don't even know what the fuck it is. Right.

I don't even know. But you feel it. That's all that matters. I'm feeling that I want to raise a daughter. Yeah. So she doesn't run into Harvey Weinstein. Yeah. That's your main goal. You know, you or your son, you have goals for your son.

For sure, yeah, man. I mean, there's so many things you want, you know. Do I want to go up there? Do people want to hear my political views? Who the fuck of mine? I'm a fat fucking felon. Yeah. My political views are like fucking Al Franken taking a picture grabbing your tits.

It sucks. Yeah, yeah. Fucking, they want to poor Al Franken and that dirty bitch, all of them. He's grabbing butts. He's grabbing butts in photo shoots. Listen, bro. You know, America's mad all of a sudden. You don't think A. Blinken got his dick suck?

Yeah, for sure. They all got that dick suck. You know, they just found out half of these fucking press. had fucking gumas that were black and they were having threesomes slaves and shit and they were all hypocrites

Yeah Where did you see this? But you don't have CNN? Huh? You don't have CNN? No. You're too busy reading Yelp reports on some Thai restaurant

You want to go to the Century City Me, I'm looking shit up Look at his eyes Look at his eyes There's nothing left. Whoa So the CD comes out The new special on Netflix comes out

January 12th. Yes. And it's called. Disgraceful. Okay. And when does the tour start to support the CD? There's no tour plan

right now, man. I plan on being home for a while. Like, this thing's coming out and I'm going to be home for a while. You know, people don't understand that after you shoot a special,

you put so much effort and thought into it, you're physically, emotionally work out. But because of your situation, you go, you know what, I'll go out to follow weeks after that.

And that's just a waste of time. That's what I did. And that was a waste of time. I should have canceled 90 days after that. And you watch movies for 90 days. Yeah, yeah. The great poor movie told me something once. I said,

what do you do when you're stuck writing? He goes, don't pick up the pen and go get entertained. Oh, really? Go get entertained. And sometimes, bro, you know what? You go to the comedy store and you'll watch the greats, Marin, Burr, Sabat.

You have a good time and you'll giggle, but sometimes you walk into a coffee shop and you see a beginner and you see their eyes and you see the eyes that you used to have. Yeah. You know, Marin, Burr, Sebastian, Rogan, Eliza, they're killers. Yeah. They have a certain look in their eyes.

But it's not, have you ever done Tony's thing on Monday Night? Yes. Yeah. When those guys go on stage. Oh, yeah. Look at their eyes. Oh, yeah, it's different. When you look at their eyes, you drive home going.

I remember my eyes were like that. Yeah. When doing five minutes in the belly room and being liked, meant the world. Like, if this didn't work out tonight, I might go home and shoot myself. Yeah. You know, like the, and you look at those comics eyes, those guys inspired a fuck out of me. Yeah, I love it, man. I like seeing young comics.

I really do. love it. I actually love a lot of those. I don't want to say out. When people come up to me and go, Joey, come here. Go look at this next comic. He's really hot. My dick just went soft. Right. I want to get super high.

I want to sit in the back. I'll get a water and I just want to see 10 guys do six minutes a piece and laugh my fucking ass off. Because I know where they're going. I know where they're at. I know what they're not thinking about

that they haven't even thought about. And they're funny. It inspires you, though, right? That's why you like it. I love it. I'm going to start going back to them. I have to. Because this shit is ruined me.

It's ruined us. You're right. We take this. I'm proud you said that today. Thank you for reaffirming my beliefs on Saturday. Friday and Saturday, for me to have a better set, I also have to do a little workout. Definitely.

And I don't leave there either. I did. I'm very happy with the. elliptical on this tour probably 98% of the shows there was a workout before the show have to do it now to feel normal feel i like the 5 to 5 o'clock 35 minutes on the elliptical 25 lifting some weights maybe 10 on stretching you go upstairs you call room service you go to dinner you wash your pussy you come out of the shower you're dressed there's a knock on the door you eat you fucking whatever you wait 15, 20 minutes,

it's time to go. That's a perfect fucking knife of it. Yeah. You go there, sit there, there's an opening act. You still got an hour before you go up. The food digest,

you go up on stage, nourish, tip-top, McGoole. It's the best. Bloods running through your legs. How to do it. You have a little edible in you. And if people out there,

if you do stand up, you haven't tried the pre-show workout, just start easy, man. Do like a casual, 30 minute walk on a fucking treadmill. Get out of your room. Get out of your room. It'll make you feet different.

No TV exercising in your room. No. I want you to get out of your room because you go in your room too much and the room starts creeping up on you. Yeah. If you want to go for a walk around the neighbor, put a hundred sweatshirt on or go downstairs starting to stand. I never did it.

Yeah. And fucking Rogan used to do it. He used to drive me crazy. With what? He would call me in hotels and go, I'm going to go down. to the gym, you're going to join me, and I'm like, I just took a Coke's knot out of my nose from last night. I'm chewing on it, and I'm fucking numb as hell.

And you want to know if I want to meet you in the gym, not in a million years. He would always do something. Yeah. I would go downstairs towards the end and go, and you'll leave him like I was going to stay. And his shirt would always be drenched. Yeah. And he would go up there and do a fucking great show. And now Thursday that I fly, I don't have time to go and the whole thing.

But Friday, that elliptical, you know, every place has dumbbells. Yeah. So you do the benching, you do the incline, you do the bent over roads, you do the shrugs, you do the curls, you do the trisem extensions, you do sit-ups, push-ups, you do the elliptical, you listen to Side 1 of Fleetwood Mac rumors. You got your whole thing laid out. It's a pleasure to see you. You too, brother. It's a pleasure to come on. We did not discuss farts, which is always successful.

We'll save it for your show. Your mom's house tomorrow. And we were saving for the shit of the year that I had last week. Can't wait. Don't tell me. You said, yeah, how are you feeling, my brother? You're fucked up. You went to Vegas.

You lost money. You came back like I'm up a little bit of you. Yeah, but I'm done with Blackjack and I think I've done poker too. You're done with both of them? Poker stunk. I'm going to have to go somewhere else and maybe go to a better room. They took it so seriously. Like, I'm used to having fun of Blackjack, and, like, no one would talk at the table poker.

Oh, really? Really? We're playing for keeps. It was a $65 tournament. You want to do jokes? Go fucking watch comedians. That's what your problem is. You went there, ha, ha, ha.

And they tricked you with their mental fucking toughness. And your fold the under pressure, which is no problem. What's the buy in there? 65. 65? I was just trying it out. Yeah. It was fun.

But I like Pai Gow and I've been on the Celtics and one. I'm happy you went to Vegas and had a good time. Thank you. You needed to get. some shit off your fucking chest to drive helped you look better I like driving you Thanksgiving was great at your house brother

where'd you go? We hosted this year we had friends over we had family again I don't get a call you know what's there? Where was yours at the house? Yeah same thing I called you you called me back you were fucking at the Louis C cave lookalike contest

I thought I'm the Lee Sallet lookalike Isn't that? No, you're getting handsomer. Yeah. No, so what do you do? Because are you looking to no sugar? Keto? I tried to, yeah.

That's what I do most. You tried that? No, I haven't. That's what I have to do. Yeah. Cut the sugar, man. Change everything. I think.

I'm not a sugar guy, you know, so I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I drink that's a teba shit in my ice tea. Yeah. It's a cancer-free one, right? Right. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It tastes like Dick. Yeah. But you're like... A little longer. Yeah. The mice just go cross-eyed.

That's it. Yeah. Just go cross-side. That means somewhere along the line to go cross-side. No big deal. No big deal. And that's it, my brother.

Yeah, the tour dates coming up. Well, I got, yeah, yeah. I got Phoenix. Okay. December 7th, 8th and 9th. All right. Stand up live. And then I'm doing Hawaii.

I'm doing a place in Maui on the 14th. And the Hawaii Theater. and Honolulu on the 16th. Say hello to BJ Penn. Like I said, always a pleasure. It's great that you're enjoying fatherhood. It's awesome. Yeah.

Thanks for having me, man. She's a great mom. No, I had to have you to kick off fucking. This is the week after Thanksgiving. We ain't fucking around no more. Lee Syed, I love your cock sucker. We'll be back Wednesday. Who?

Don't worry about. Don't ask no fucking questions, all right? Let me just drop it on you nice and easily. Again, like I told you, the beginning of the show. Holiday season's coming. It started this week with the fucking pumpkin pie and the whipped cream and you had a little extra whipped cream. We all did.

And I'm not going to throw you in jail for that. But like I said, if you're trying to eat better, the holidays or a minefield, between the chocolates, the cookies, the candy canes, it's no fun being left out of deliciousness. Let NatureBalk help with snacks that you love that are seriously delicious and better for you. The holidays are not always a holiday.

You got stuff to do, people to shop for and cheer to spread. You need to keep your body fueled for all the festivities. But a lot of the holiday treats are just junk. You and I both know that. Yeah, they're delicious, but healthy, no. And throughout the day, you know how many calories you eat? Stop it at this guy's house. This guy's house, let NatureBock help with snacks that are better for you and delicious.

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and customer feedback. All right? I told you, last week they sent me the beautiful, jerky. They also have these crackers, these salt, these sea salt cassava chips that'll make your head spin. You understand me? The sarachi roasted cashews. I can't. The whole wheat fig. Come on, guys, I'm throwing heat at you over here. And there's no risk. If you don't like the snack, Nature Box will replace it for free. And like I told you, you're the church, your family. Right now, Nature Box is offering all of you savages. You know, I love you. Let's see.

Listen, 50, 50, 50% off right now off your first order. If you go to naturebox.com slash Joey. This is what you want. In your house for the holidays right now. Listen, I can go on for hours about the snacks. It'll kill you. We'll be here for three years. That's naturebox.com slash joey for 50% off your first order.

Again, naturebox.com slash joey for 50%% off your first order. again naturebox.com slash joey for 50% off your order nature box this is the healthy way to go listen the hell of days are going to kill you this is the way to go again naturebox dot com slash joey what goes up must come down what you put down your throat comes out that muffler so I'm feeding you but at the same time

I'm keeping that who got clean because when you're riding your Christmas list to Santa this year tell that little son of the bitch that number one he owes your money and number two you want the Christmas some clean butt cheeks all year you know you live around with that swamp fucking ass you ever got a blow job of the chick's eyebrows go on fire and say drinking poop out vodka you know why her eyebrows

looking at you weird because she could tolerate sucking your dick but she knows if she opens up one of your legs it's going to be like fucking tear gas like the shit Batman released on fucking the green order anyway you don't need to live like that when you got that excess pine cones coming from your asshole

what do you call those thing dingleberries that's what they used to call them and that fudgy fucking pudding smedge all over your underwears on holy night let me tell you something you need a tushy bidet

you're like Joey what's a bidet let me figure it out for you right it's a portable device that you attach right to your toilet. It takes you 10 minutes. Lee, how long it takes you to attach it? It takes you less than 30 minutes to attach it. And I know you're a general mechanic.

Let me tell you something. You attach it. You take a little fucking shit. You turn the water on. The pressure takes your asshole at different levels. You understand me. And for some people, it might change your life. You just sit there all day when you give a fuck.

You've got nothing to do. But it will clean your asshole. ass better than any fucking toilet paper you've ever had in your life. You agree? Oh my God, I have the cold one and I start every day with it. I love it. It's amazing. In the morning and you sit and you pee while your asshole gets cold water.

That's the best. Yeah. You might not have to take a shower. As long as your assholes fresh with some cold water. I do it right before the shower. Let me tell you some. And the asshole getting the cold water revitalizes your nerves. It gets everything moving. Once you eat the oatmeal and close it right down.

But what I'm a nutritionist? What I'm telling years is hello-thushy.com is the way to go. Why? Because you get a 60-day money back guarantee, which I've been using mine for two years, and I'm 300 fucking pounds. And if I haven't broke it, you ain't got to break fucking yours.

So, clean your ass better and you use clean water to spray your butt, providing your shower, fresh feeling after every fucking disgusting shit you take. There's no more skid marks, no more sugar burn,

fairies hanging onto your ass crack. Just an asshole cleaner than white Christmas. You understand me? I love mine. I'm telling you. This is the way to do it. Go to Tushie. Go to hellotushy.com and use Code Church for 10% off your order. And they start at $69.

Surely Santa could afford that. Stop wiping your fucking nasty asshole with that disgusting cheap toilet paper that breaks through. through and then you got shit on your fingernails until New Year's Day. Stop wasting your time. Go to hellotushy.com. Use code church, C-H-U-R-C-H, and get 10% off your order.

As usual, I love you guys with all my heart. Don't forget next Sunday, no vote with Wheeler, Monday, San Diego, with the Observatory and Tuesday at the Observatory in Santa Ana. And I want to thank one of the best guys in comedy. I tell you this in the bottom of my heart, Tom Segura, go to Tom Segura what? Dot com.

And check out his dates and give him the love he deserves. Lee Syatt, happy Hanukkah. Thank you, buddy. We're coming into the holy month. Absolutely. And I want you to reserve it.

No more fucking around. Only kosher meat. No more Thai food and shit. You know, filthy coxswain. They like Thai food. You go fuck yourself. Anyway. You're the best, man.

Thanks for having me. I love you guys with all my heart. Have a great week, and we'll see you Wednesday. Stay Black. Bye. Kick that, Really. Fucking, you're amazing.