The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #538 - Felicia Michaels

Episode Date: November 30, 2017

Felicia Michaels, Comedian, photographer and writer, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.   
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.   Recorded live on 11/29/2017.


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That buys a lot of stuff. That's lift.com slash joey. Again, lift.com slash joey. limited time only terms apply kick that motherfucker mule lee we ain't fucking around today it's the end of November

bitches the pilgrims got back on the boat it's time to throw some fucking heat motherfuckers it's like 26 days till ho ho ho so let's do this shit kick it kick it except for me make me break out the heroin Life's a sin.

Shaking, they travel. Life to sing. It's all in the sun. You fucking kidding me? Or what? The first out, the cause. Unbelievable. Church of what's happened now.

The Christ killer. Felicia Michaels. It's so easy to throw up the problems. It's so easy to play up the problems. break down It's so easy To fly through a window It's so easy

Speaking of sexual harassment This is the sexual harassment scene Meaning The movie Yeah Which movie? Jeff Becoli He jerks off in the bathroom

To her on the bathing thing Oh yeah Nobody remembers Cut that meal only All right What's the more with Jeff fucking Spicolini in the 80s that we grew up? What's American? Fast times at Ridleymont High.

Yeah, fast times at Rich. Guy Mastabayton. Type that fucking video in right now. There you go. Well, yeah, that could be considered, I guess. Yeah, right? Can you believe how much we've changed? What did I want?

Oh, shit. The other night, me and my wife got stuck watching and not got stuck because it's one of the greatest films of all time. Office and a Gentleman. Oh, yeah. One of Richard Gee is best fucking work. Yeah, yeah. In the first 30 minutes, he's,

says 22 fucking offensive things like just fucking offensive then he beats up a guy breaks his nose I'm like look how much times have changed that that that was just

and he says something he said something offensive like racial racial racial like he's just a rich okey from Wisconsin shit right there

yeah Phoebe this is the one they've been looking for her. They've like been hunting her down. Right here. Look how beautiful she was. See? Look at this shit, Lee. Hi, Brad.

You know how cute I always thought you were. Motherfuckus forget this. Oh, yeah. What the fuck you think you're dealing with? Look at this fucking girl, though. They just hunted it down. She looks like me. They just hunted it down, Yahoo.

And now the sister catches him blasting off. What? Watch. This is just leave. I don't know. Check in the house. Or somebody catches him blasting. I think she catches them.

Look at them. This is real comedy, people. Wacking off with a pirate suit. Come on, huh? This is real comedy right here. This is real fucking comedy. This is a classic fucking film. Look at her.

Jesus Christ. Nobody remembers this shit. I got to drop knowledge every fucking day. No, that was a tremendous. I take fucking alpha brain. I remember all these deep down secrets. I do love that watching old movies and you see stuff that wouldn't like pass today. Like they wouldn't,

they wouldn't let it in at all. Like you had that one, that TV show where the guy said the N-word in the courtroom or something? Sanford and Sons. You know, yeah. They have it on YouTube. Go to YouTube. Sanford and son courtroom scene.

It's brilliant. And it's, well then I was reading that Angela Land, She's like 92 years old. And then she came out and was like, you know, sometimes it's women's fault too and blah, blah, blah. And people got on her. But it's like she's a 92-year-old woman.

She had to bear the brunt of all of the evil. You know what I mean? NBC. Let her say it. I'm black. Well, you're the judge. That don't count. Listen, why don't you arrest some white drivers?

I do. You do? Well, where are they? Look at all these nickers in here. Look around here. There's enough niggas in here to make a Tarzan movie. This is 19. Look at it, Felicia.

This is 19 what, Felicia? 80. No, this is like 70. Yes. Five or four, right? Yeah. Something like that. This is so fucking crazy.

Yeah. So fucking crazy that I get stuck sometimes watching. movies and you know when you're like like look at that press that archie bunk around the jews again cbs 1970 you know this is crazy how much we've changed oh yeah must be doing pretty good if you can lay out eight ten dollars a date for a cleaner woman ten dollars oh they're getting more than that for good cleaning people today maybe she's a live-in-made well what do you you're talking about either the only people nowadays can afford to live in help are rich people and jews all jewish people are rich i never knew one it wasn't the stiners from our old neighborhood weren't they didn't have as much as we did even

to hear them tell it hey you don't suppose bowman sold his house to one of that tribe do you i mean he was always a joke but he wouldn't do a thing like that to this name. Well, what I'm wondering is if a rich Jewish person could afford to hire a maid, why would he buy Jim Bowman's own house? To make trouble, you know, folks? These people are always looking to make a test case. Why do you think they got at their organization there, what do you call it, Benabris?

Well, I'm going to go over there and fly it out. Where are you going to go over there and fly it out? Where are you going? I'm just going to take a walk over to Jim Bowman's house, and I'm going to talk to him about it, that's all. Where's my lumberjack? Right in there. Where?

Somewhere in there. But somewhere in there ain't right in there, Eden. How about right in there somewhere? Oh, will you get him here again? It was right there. You sure have your little ways of torture me, Edith. How much have we changed? In my mind, remember old man McNabb?

Yeah. Used to live down the street there. Remember the time that he was going to sell his place to them Jews? Oh. And you come around with that petition to all the rest of us to sign. Remember, keep him out. We all signed. Huh?

Yeah. You really saved the block that time, Jim. Well, you know me. So, I mean, you wouldn't then turn around and do what McNabb was trying to do, would you? You mean sell to Jews? Yeah. Oh, no. These people are Baptists

Oh Oh Mr. Fulman I just talked with the telephone Covenant and they are putting my phone in today Now I really believe the house is mine Oh hi neighbor And that's the birth of the Jeffers

Can you believe that Felicia? That's the birth of the Jefferson It was such great TV Fuck Fuck I forgot all this shit Look at his face. You know, it was... That's the name of the Coons are coming.

Oh, my God. That's the name of the episode. Let's just leave it out of it. I mean, this is... We're watching all this shit. Take for instance what this represents. This here is the struggle of the races. Man's inhumanity to man.

Yet, roared all, the shining hope of a new brotherhood. See? The girl has gone basing. I'm all alone. I'm all alone in this house. Isn't anybody else interested in our Poland standards? Our world is coming crumbling down. The coons are coming.

This is CBS, Felicia. Archie. 12% of the population is black. There should be a lot of black families living out here. Yeah, this is only. a beginning but I think it's wonderful wonderful huh well let's see how wonderful it is when a watermelon rinds come flying out the way wow right oh my god oh my god I forgot about these episodes and it's tough because like they're funny because like you see

how ridiculous they are now but there are people who are like yeah the Jews are moving in but nobody was complaining that's true well because it had a morality to it you were would learn his little lesson, you know what I mean? It wasn't, you know. When Sammy Davis kissed him in the lips. Yeah. At that time or when the Puerto Rican guy found his wallet. I don't remember that one.

There was an episode where Puerto Rican guy found his wallet. And he couldn't fucking believe the Puerto Rican was returning it. You know, it was such a sign that time. Right. And when the Puerto Rican came over, he was like, Hi, Hector. It's the guy that was the typical Puerto Rican at the time. In fact, he was the original cat.

He was Julio. He was Julio on Sanford and Son. He played every Puerto Rican. And he comes in and goes, Mr. Bunker, here's the wallet I found. And the cash is still in. And he goes, you're a hero. You know, I never expect that. He goes, eat it.

Don't you stand there. Give him something to drink. Right. And then he turns, he goes, She goes, I don't know what to offer him. And, you know, like the guy's right there. And he goes, I don't know what Puerto Ricans drank. And he also goes, how about some pineapple juice?

You know, like, and even as a kid, it didn't get, it didn't offend me in no way at all. Well, I think it must be interesting, like for Lee to watch it because we remember it from when we were kids. So, can you imagine that on. Television today? Like, can you imagine that on, listen, Sanford and the song came on at 830. on Fridays. Jesus. After Chico and the Man on 8.

Okay, with Chico and the Man and with Freddie Prince, which was, it's a man, I can't explain to you what it meant to a guy like me on Friday night. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything until 9 o'clock. So Chico and the Man and Samson was over with. And then they had crime story with Andrew Dice Clay. Nobody fucking remembers that either. It was, no, I'm lying to you people.

That was earlier. Then Freddie Prince died. Then that old thing went down the tubes. And then they came out with Miami Vice at 9 and a crime story with Andrew Drey's Clay at 10. That was a good fucking show. No, it was a good show, yeah, for sure, for sure. So on Friday nights, Leah, if you were 13, you watch Sanfling's on. You just didn't.

Your parents went out on Fridays. And you were like, thank God. Bye. Yeah, we're going to do homework. Fuck you. We're going to get a pizza from Friday. ourselves and we're going to sit here and watch cheek on the man and laugh and then we're going to fuck him watch him say the nigger thing about don't sure arrest any black people

what the fuck are they look at all these niggas in here i still remember sitting in my living room with a lona mertons a german girl that was beautiful and her and i on friday she was two years older than me and she had a boyfriend who moved to miami so me and her boyfriend were friends And we did that on Friday. So she would come over. Eventually we made out and I sucked the tities and shit. Because it always goes that way. Do you remember what's happening?

That was my favorite. What's happening? Good times. The white shadow about basketball. Oh, yeah. That was a big one, yeah. That was, and these were all shows. It's funny, Gerard Carmichael had a show, a short-lived show on NBC that I really enjoyed.

And it was, I really enjoyed the guy from, In Living Color on it. He was great. Tiffany Haddish was great. But what I really liked about the Gerard Carmichael show, that it had to do with issues of what was going on right now, today. You know, that's what was going on in the 70s. People were moving on up.

Like I always tell people, I'm from North Bergen, New Jersey, but I'm really from Hoboken. Because the people I grew up with were all from Hoboken. They were people who moved on up to North Bergen and bought a house. Like, they moved. out of the tentament and North Bergen was the new thing to move up to, so North Bergen was all Irish and Italian. I can't imagine when I moved into the block. And they're like, there's a new spec kit on the block. So I understood all this type of shit. I got it. It's tough now because

like I grew up in a time when this wasn't allowed. Like I've heard stories like Jews not allowed into country clubs and I've heard stuff like that before, but I never really experienced that When I grew up, everyone was, I guess it was like the start of the PC world or whatever you want to call it. But it doesn't hurt my feelings, but I can see, like, if you grew up in it, maybe it's something you're just normally, like, it's, you're used to. But I can't imagine not being able to move into a neighborhood because they're not going to, like, the Jews are living there. That's like, that's a weird thought to have. Yeah, but that's how it was. I mean, that it was, well, even Trump got in trouble with his dad because they wouldn't rent to black people.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, it was completely like that. that. It was very... And I, I, like, it's interesting now looking at, like, Boston, there's this part called Dorchester where it's a lower income area. There's a lot of black people there now. But when my mom's parents

were moving to the area, there was all Jewish people. So it's interesting how, like, sometimes I'm like, why do all these Jewish people? Why do all these Chinese people live together? And it's like, maybe that's the only place they had to live. And now they have a little area, but it's, it's just something that we never really have to think about at all.

Yeah. When they migrate, You know, like, that's very interesting in the migration. It was really great, and I did the 23 and me. And you and Terry were talking about the Chinese thing. Right. About how I had a little bit of Chinese. What the fuck you're laughing about you? Oh, I know you're laughing about it.

But should I tell, should I say it about? I was dating this Asian guy, right? And so Joey would always be like, you're going out with the doison, the doisten. And then I'm like, what the fuck is a doison? He goes like, that was the name we called Asian people. I was a kid, Chinese people. And then I was like, shut up, that's so fucked up. And then he does the ancestry in me or 23 in me.

And he's like, I'm 2%. I'm like, oh, my God, you're a doison. I'm a doison. And then you justify that you said that the Chinese way before Columbus took a tour around the world. Well, there's also, I read a book once where there was a great armada as a Chinese empire fell that had gone out, like, because they would go out for like three to seven years or whatever. and that they went all the way around the world. And it'd be a lot of ships together, you know, a marauda. And so if a ship crashed, you know, they would take them on.

But as soon as they hit land, they had to go on the land. And then they would just kind of, you know, meld into the people that were there. And that genetically, that's why they can tell and say Asian. Like, that makes complete sense because they probably went all the way around and were up. They went all the way around. And they had certain types of chickens that genetically test like that are in South America, are Asian, you know, have some kind of Asian component, and they say that's part of it. I mean, it's interesting when you start thinking about history like that, you know?

No, and especially your history, like I ended up west. Well, I always knew because the Cuban history, you know, I always knew that the island was originally Indians. Columbus came and then the slave trade, and then people from Spain went there after a war. and you had this big fucking galosh of people. Irish went there during the Battle of the Boyne. So you had all this, you know, just like anything else. There was a big Jewish community. Like, I couldn't believe how big the Jewish community was down there.

Well, in Cuba, they have a big Chinese community, right? The biggest Chinatown in the world from China until 1960 or something. Something just outrageous. And when Bordain went, he went to the Chinatown. They were like, it's not Chinatown, no, no, like all the Chinese. left, you know, like all that. Oh, really? And there's only one left now that we've discussed.

There's only one Cuban Chinese cook left. Oh, really? And he's on 77, 79th Street in Broadway, like Harry Dodd. There's even a video about him on YouTube. Like, he's the last guy left. Like, that's it. When I was a kid, there were probably five of those Chinese Cuban restaurants in the area. Now they're down to one.

How crazy must it be to move to a different country? Like, now it might be a little bit easier. but I'm like third or fourth generation maybe even more I don't know about you Felicia but Joey I mean you're you emigrated from a different country that's it must be terrifying must be like I I don't think I can even understand what it's like I don't think that it was just terrifying

because of my age that's true right yeah it wasn't really a thought like if if I really really really really really sit and think. If you ask me anything about Cuba, there's nothing I remember except looking at the ocean one day. I remember driving with my dad in the car.

But I also remember driving through the Lincoln Tunnel with my dad sitting in the driver's seat. With no seatbelt, you know, and you could still drive. Like I still, I have more memories with my dad in the United States than I do

in Cuba you know I don't remember another of that shit I remember going to kindergarten and the language barrier like I was telling Felicia when I was a kid I wouldn't eat chocolate till nighttime

and people go why do you eat chocolate nighttime because that's what it says chocolate late so I thought it was chocolate late so I didn't know like when I was five I would always save chocolate for the night time yeah

why do you drink because it's chocolate late you know like all those things to me seem interesting that's why I'm always I try to be nice to people but I'm extra nicer to immigrants because I remember those two or three year window how insecure I felt and it wasn't just the insecurity

I tell a joke on stage that it really bothers me to tell this joke when I say it about that time period I was allergic to maple syrup I was a really sickly kid so it wasn't bad enough to that was sickly now it was an immigrant so I was to this little with these little white kids on 88th street I was this fucking spik pariah that was always with bandages or you know I always had bandages

on my arm from getting blood drawn so like not only are you new which is scary yeah you're Spanish couldn't be Spanish and I was fucking sickly that fucking destroyed me and my dad had died so my mom said every time the door opened you would look at the door You know, so I was just a fucking mess But I still remember Like, I don't think somebody made fun of me I think somebody said I wasn't American And in my mind I was like, you know what, fuck you

I'll prove to you I'm an American I'm gonna go eat hot dogs Like I still remember thinking If I had enough hot dogs I'd be a fucking American Like things like that Right, right Did your mom already speak English when she came over here?

To say yes to know Nancy, you have to know my mom. My mom spoke English when it was convenient to it. Right, right. That's it. She spoke as good as English as you could when it was convenient to her. Right. When it wasn't convenient to her, she played it off.

So it got to the point where she wanted me to speak English outside the house. Inside the house, I had to speak Spanish. She wanted, she encouraged for me to learn English and keep the Spanish, which I, I I didn't want to. Well, I think about your mom all the time, like how strong and strong-willed she must have been to be able to go through that period of time as an immigrant, you know, as a single mother, as someone who is working in an industry that is not ladylike. You know, how she just, that's pretty amazing, you know. It's not that part of her life that intrigues me about my mother. it's

195 through 1961 or two which is the most intriguing part of me that I wish there was a way I knew everything that happened because it was just a mess like the warrant

her going to the Bronx her meeting somebody on the street and them getting jobs as runners you know for a bookmaker in the neighborhood and then the bookmaker has a heart attack and they're the ones that know how to do it. Like, you know, it's like, Lee is smart.

He knows that the cops are looking for male runners. It's 19, 50, fucking five in the Bronx. He knows they're looking for male runners. So he enlist two 16-year-old cute girls to run the numbers from. Well, guess what? The guy gets some type of heart attack. So guess who has to run his business?

These two 17- or 18-year-old girls now. and then had to maneuver their way and keep it quiet because if the neighborhood found out that Lee was sick, they wouldn't pay the girls. The girls would get. So they had to figure out of way these two girls. And, you know, I don't know the whole story, but that's the story.

And then somewhere along the line, she met my father and went back to Cuba and had my sister and me, and then they would go back and forth. They met in New York? Yeah, they met in New York. Yeah, they met in New York as young kids. Yeah, I thought they had met in Cuba.

No. They met New York in like a weirdest fucking way. My uncle told me, he goes, no. He goes, she got to New York, and bam, a year later they were hooked up together. And then he was doing his thing. She was doing her thing. And, you know, like, he goes, did you know your mom lived in Venezuela? What? No, I did not know that.

Like, my uncle told me, goes, yeah, she was in Venezuela, your father for six months. Oh, no. Then they lived on an island. Wow. They lived in Corroca, Carousel. Curisal. Curisal. They've been Corosal for six months.

They were like two fucking whatever. Then they went to Cuba. So what do you think they were doing? Like what's your guess that, you know, what were they doing? Because they didn't have a lot of money, right? They were investing the money from the numbers

they were making. Nobody really knew the money my mother was making from those numbers. It was. And then they opened up a sandwich shop across the street from grammar school in Union City right next to the bar of the guy that had the big dick I told

the story. Club 38 it's an appliance store now. It's like an air refrigeration but in the 50s they have a sandwich store and they need the okay and it was up the block from me the Washington School or something

in Union City. Then they sold that and bought the bar the whole time they were doing numbers But my father had a secret business, the heroin business, with these Jews in the Lower East Side. Him and a gay guy named Angel would take Coke to Connecticut and shit, heroin to Connecticut and shit like that. And that's how they were really making their money. Wow. So they had this bar business, but at the same time my father was a committee man.

He was a Cuban committee man. He was the first Cuban committee man in the University. Are you serious? Yes. Oh, wow. So that's why when he died, it was such a mystery. They had to get him out before they did an autopsy to reveal the drug use because the politicos weren't involved on it, so it's kind of fucked up.

It all went down. Like, those are the years. How old do you think she was at this time? My mom? Yeah. 30-something. She's 36, maybe. Because, yeah, I was three.

So she died when I was 15, so 12. 48 minus 12 is what? 36. 36. But she was 36 and she picked off, like I'm saying to her, why do we move from that house in Jersey? She was like, when somebody dies, you move.

That's it. She's like, I didn't want to live in Jersey anyway. I hated Jersey. She wanted to be in New York. Those, that era, really, I want to know what happened those years. Right. Those are the years that have always intrigued me about her.

I still remember the dry cleaner. I still remember her going with her to different banks. Like, let's say she had her own bank, but Felicia had her bank. My mother's bank was in Studio City, but Felicia's bank was in Sherman Oaks. Even though on paper we should be kind of enemies, we're fighting for the same nickel. My mother didn't look at it that way. So there were days I'd go to your bank with my mom. mother. We go over there and you'd be surrounded by

12 guys yelling numbers and writing them on a blackboard and go get 20 pounds of lobsters and fuck them whatever. Let's celebrate. You know, like we used to go to different banks and see how they ran them. God knows what could have you went down. I was five. Wow. Wow.

But I would see how she would maneuver around men and how, you know, it was like this respect. She was a woman and she was making her own money and there's women's in this men's world. You know, And then when she got the bar, I got to see how guys would treat her at night.

Like, she never let her slip up. Like, she was one of those women that always, like, she never let her slip up. Like, it never got to point B. She would fucking never you on point A, check you so fucking hard that you would just shit your fucking pants. Like, you would just go, okay.

And then 20 people would stay you down and go, what were you thinking? Right. Like it was that type of when men came onto her or something. And I like that. I like that style. She would just shut that shit down. Like, I still remember different.

Like, one night this guy hit me because I said something to him. And she found out that he kicked me. And my mom asked me, did he fucking kick? Yeah, but I call him like a fucking half a fag or something. She goes, that don't mean none. He can't be kicking no son of money. She picked up the phone. And she was saying shit to this.

guy that she goes you know before you hit my son does what you need to do you need to go get a guy to put a big dick up your ass and fuck you and then you carry that kid for nine months and then you spit it out of your fucking pussy you little miserable motherfucker don't let me see you again she was just going off

on this guy she scared the shit out of this guy this guy like closed his mechanic shop for like four days until until fucking the coach was clear yeah until they smoothed it out like it was just a weird thing to see.

Right. But when she was younger and lived in Cuba, how did she go to the United States the first time? It was like going to Atlantic City. There was no TSA. You remember flying in the 80s?

Oh, when I was... Explain the people were flying in the 80s. When I was at the beginning of my career flying quite a bit and you would always try to get the cheapest ticket, so there was this guy. that had his office travel agent down by the airport.

Right down the corner. And this guy, you would fly and you would fly under 106 different names because he would finagle, like when people couldn't get the, where they couldn't make the flight, blah, blah, blah, they would like source it to him. So you would pay like, you know, $100 or $100. And fly under Lee Syatt. Yeah, you would fly. And then there were celebrities that did it too.

And then it stopped because one celebrity comic, I can't remember who was like Jackie Mason or something like that. Someone recognized that his name didn't match his ticket. I don't know if it was Jackie Mason, but it was something like that. And then that's when things started to change when that came in. But it was awesome because you could get the cheapest tickets. But I still remember going to an airport and going, what time's the next flight? Like, there was no online leave. Like, hold on, what's the next flight to Vegas? Tick, tick, tick, tick. Birdback, Vegas. Did none of that. You had like going to yellow pages and call the 800 line and, hi, this is Mel. We're going to. I like to go to Florida.

I'm flying out of Burbank. What time? What do you got? And they tell you, and it's like, how do you pay for it? Well, you pay for it two hours before flight time. Yes, yes. And you would go down to the airport leave with a cash of money or a check or a credit card, diners club. That's what you traveled under.

And you could pay. There was no ID, Lee. I could go to an airport and go, what's your name? Pablo Escobar. Okay, your tickets 300, Mr. Escobar. Pay them, and that was it. They took your word for it. How do you spell Escobar?

there was no fucking no TSA there was a guy with a fucking thing that you went through and that's it or how about no cell phones how about that traveling with no cell phones how about that remember that I remember that I'm not that young I still remember like when I was a kid my brother and I got by we had bikes and we were old enough to go away from the house we didn't have a cell phone we had a my mom got like these long range walkie-talkies that would go like five or six miles and we had I remember carrying those around yeah but I well growing up I had silverware with American Airlines on it like actual silverware that my dad or mom must have taken off the flight or something like they had actual silverware for meals no they gave you flighting was completely different

I told you I still remember going into an airplane bathroom and there would be perfumes perfumes and hand creams for free you know there were planes that were two deckers there were double decker plays so first class was upstairs. There was a guy playing a piano. And there'd be a fucking, it was crazy. A guy playing a piano.

Even if you watch, if you watch the movie with De Niro and that guy that he has to take him cross-country, midnight run, remember? They had to go upstairs. Yeah. Playing the double deck as Lee. And first class was upstairs.

And there was a pig with an appellant's mouth. And you'd come over and take a piece of the pig and shit. Wow. Have you ever been on a plane where they're moving a convict from one city to the other? So that is weird. And then one time they happened to me, but they were sitting right behind me, but it was so it's like so paranoid, you know.

I haven't been on a plane. They put those people on regular, like I've always heard Joey joke about that when you do Expedia or something, but they don't have like regular planes for criminals. It's like they have a con air, but for quick trials and shit like that. Like for a witness relocated guys, like let's say you're a witness relocated guy and you're in Indiana, but your court cases in New York, they won't fly you direct. They'll fly you from Indiana to Michigan, from Michigan to San Francisco. Then you stay a day and you go from San Francisco to Oklahoma, then Oklahoma to New York City. I got the whole load down.

And why did they do that? Just so nobody's on your tail. You don't know where you're going. Uh-huh. It's so weird. When you're in the witness relocation plan, you don't know where you're going to an hour before you're leaving when they hand you your ticket

and your dossier of what school your son's going to go to. What's his name going to be in Reno? That sounds terrible. Like, the only, I saw it, I just watched my name as Earl, so I saw them go through it. I can't imagine just being like, yeah, you're moving to Nebraska.

your name is Joe now, and you can't tell anybody. You can't contact anybody. Do you know anyone that ever went under the witness protection program? Salobots. Yeah. Sal Lubots, I met him here in Studio City. He lived around the corner from your house. Oh, really?

And it was very interesting because you grow up, you know, with this code that you'll never snitch, you'll never at. You know, I've never read it. I don't believe, I don't know. But it's crazy when you actually rat. Like, I don't, I always want to know the reasons, you know. And I like to figure them out, you know. With Sal Lubots, it's a very interesting story. He was going to get 20 years for heroin.

He could have done the 20 years standing on his head. Sal is fucking 78. And he just got married a month ago. Like, he's one of those guys. He looks great. He's in great shape. But what people don't know about Sal was, that when Sal was going through all that shit with John Gotti, he had two sons that were fucking college heavy-duty prospect.

Like they were in high school, and fucking colleges were already looking at these two guys. Oh, really? Like big time. So here's the story. When he got flipped, you know, he thought about his kids. And he ratted on John Guy. and he took his kids to Texas

and changed their names. And, I mean, it took the government a lot because they were looking for the boys. That's how Gotti was going to find them through the boys. So they had to switch their names and put them in different high schools and different fucking parts of Texas. And guess what?

They both got scholarships of Division I schools. Oh, really? Fuck, yeah. Oh, so they still played? One primarily, the University of Colorado and Boulder. Oh, really? So all those years, when I was living in Boulder, Sal Lubots

who's up the corner in North Boulder. Yeah. That's what we hit off after we met. Sun went and then he played pro football. So now Sal's, when I just spoke to Sal a week ago, he's in Vegas, and he got approached by a writer now

and he's got a little deal, Paramount or somebody threw him a little deal. And they're going to write the story of his sons. So, but, so when did you get to leave the Witness Protection Program? When do you get to leave? Yeah, like, so he, If he's telling you this and we're talking about him, when I met him, he was already gone from the program.

He was still had contact with the handlers. We shot a horrible movie called the Sinatra Club. And when I got to the set, not only was the FBI there was, but Henry Hill was there. Drunk, you know, he was just a fuck. Oh, really? You know. Like when you met Henry Hill, Henry Hill is like 70% of the people in Hollywood. They did something one time, but they blew it up into something else.

You know, you could tell Henry Hill was just a half a mutt, Mike. And even Sal said to me, he goes, one time, when I first got into the program, I got a job working as an apartment building manager. And I got a hold of Henry. Henry lived in Venice or the Valley or whatever, and I invited him over. And when he were drinking coffee, he saw the apartment. keys to all the apartments. And he's like, why don't we rob the apartments?

He says, Henry, you're 50-something? He's old. Really? You're like, Henry was still like, that he was just a fucking thug that got to tell his story first. Then a bunch of people wrote their book

saying, that guy was crazy. But Scorsese, he bought them all so nobody could deter from his story. Primarily the daughter. Henry Hill's daughter wrote a great book, and she was like, how can you believe the guy that was high. He married, listen, Henry

Hill was so crazy. There's a part in My Blue Heaven where Steve Martin goes into the, he's a mafia guy. You ever seen that movie? Right, right. Brilliant movie. But there's a scene where he calls his handler and he goes, hey Vinnie, I got married. Say hello. And he goes, but Vinny,

you're already married. He goes, don't worry her. I married her under my other name. Henry Hill at one time was married to his wife. In the same house, in Washington State, he was married to his wife, and she lived in the building in the basement, and he was married to a young chick upstairs under his witness relocation name. And that's what he told his wife.

Because what are you talking about? It's not cheating. I married her under my witness name. But in his criminal fucking demented alcoholic cocaine mind, he thought that was like fine. So did the two women know about it? about each other and coexisted. Oh, yeah, they lived in the same house, and then, you know, shit turned over, and then he got busted in Washington, and then all this shit went down.

But, you know, it's like the most interesting guy in the world to me the last 20 years. Like, I find a lot of people interesting. I mean, what is interesting. But I like when somebody makes something out of nothing. Yeah. Those are the people that impress the fuck out of me, whether it's a woman with an Avon company or something, whatever. is a guy

he just got out of jail Samuel the Bull, John got out of jail I would pay to have him on the podcast to pick his business mind apart and to pick after 30 years

why he ratted and I guarantee that he'd say I'd write it I'd write it and give it to him and he'd go how did you know

because I thought about it he had to get to them before they got to them you follow me sometimes it's better to get your story out faster before he tells his when the tapes first came out it made the tape

sound like he was crazy sammy the burglarval like god he was just talking all this shit about him meanwhile he was making $12 million a fucking year like giving you $12 million a year off his construction rackets when I give you a million

million a month off my construction records. Do you know how much money I'm making? 10 million a month. So you have to understand that guy figured out how to become, I mean, this is why I never understood why Trump, beside the politics and the elections and the wig and the bad hair and the Russians, I never understood how Trump got elected because in Sammy's book, he talks all about Trump. Yeah. He was the construction. I know, I know, I know. And it was the construction business. Well, I remember you telling me about that when it was during the election.

Way before the election, I told the people. I'm like, he mentioned it in the book. And then she came out and said, I hope Trump wins. Because maybe he'll pardon my dad. They're old friends. She said it. The daughter said it on Entertainment Weekly or something. Right, right.

That's the construction is construction. And he gives the story how he would shake. I'm down. How are you shaking a building that? Felicia Michaels is building a fucking tremendous new building in New York. Everything. A blowjob room.

You stick your dick in the wall and Al Franklin tickles your balls. You know what I'm saying? Like the whole fucking thing. My cute, tiny little balls. So you have this loan from the bank. You got to pay this fucking loan back.

You borrow $200 million. You know what? your vigors every fucking month. So construction has to fucking be on call, like constant. Like, they got to keep moving. Like, there's an article now

that came out that he was playing those poor Polacks $4 an hour. Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Remember in the Sopranos, when they would give him envelopes? Okay, by union law, I got to have 30 laborers on.

At $18 an hour. You know what, $18 an hour? That's $18 for fucking also workman's cop. So if I pay you 18, you really cost them me fucking 36, plus the 10 for the union bullshit. So that's 36 and 10 is 46.

So I'm paying fucking Felicia Michaels $46 a fucking hour or whatever the fuck it is. Plus I got to fucking give her a 15 minute break for her to scratch her ass and smoke a cigarette. Fuck you. So what they do is they take 30 laborers and they take

15 of them and they actually pay them. But then they take 15 poor souls and they pay them non-union wages and they pocket the union wages and that's who the mafia gets the payback from so you have

if you have 15 fucking guys and you're saving $40 an hour that's a lot of labor fucking that's a lot of so they were that's what they do but why do you think people see past that money

that's all no I see people past that because I'm very confused on what's going on lately and what happens we forgive we forgive as Americans we have to forgive as human beings I know but we always forgive after we

really super set someone on fire and it just seems like he makes so many fires we're so distracted like oh he said this and he did that no that happened I'm not talking about right now forget about right now I'm talking about 15 20 years ago all the little actions that he did that You know, like the Trump thing.

I mean, I said it. And two weeks later, the Washington Journal Review who had a write-up about it. Trump official ties to Sammy the Bull and Philadelphia. He bought that property directly from the Philly mob. You know, like, there's like, you know, nobody cared. It was forgotten about. You know, we also live in a society that glamorizes mafia.

You know, why did we love Sinatra someone? much because he could sing because he rubbed elbows his people. He was cool young out with a fucking black Jew to other guys to glamorization. If I come to you tomorrow and say I cheated on

Terry with some chick, I don't think you talked to me for a while, but Tony soprano did it every week to his wife. And you couldn't wait to watch the one time did you look at me and say he's a fat fucking little cheater. Actually, I wouldn't say anything to Terry.

No, no, no, no. But I would say to you, get your shit together. No, no, no, no. You understand. I'm trying to say to you that. It's how we look at different situations. Right. You know, right now, we're living in a country right now where I can say to you, Felicia, I've got to confess

something to you. I'm going to say what? I'm going to say, you know, when I did the longest yarn, I was putting my football pants on one day, and I was saying, I'm going to rub my nutsack. That's a lot. 2004 and you'd say to me so did you say anything no he's Adam Sandler you know it was 12 years ago I was gonna believe fat fuck and then I'd say did you enjoy it

what was it like you know but I also have to go to I also before I opened my mouth and say somebody I go well has he been convicted of it again like it's funny you and I had this conversation a month ago and I thought about now I understand what we were coming from why people come out afterwards. Right. Because you felt very strongly of like, that's not okay. You come out right away or shut up. Right away or whatever. But then you go with him.

Awesome, when they were sitting here, Lee has a few drinks and he goes, did I ever tell you? That day in the longest year, I don't sound trying to finger up my ass during the shower scene and now we've got a problem. Yeah. Because now he did the two of us and now we'll both go public, you know.

But at the same time, I always think about what I was doing 20 years ago and what I'm doing today. And I can look you in the eye until I've completely changed that. Like, I don't see a lot of that I used to see before. Like that low-end vine, as you call it. You're a criminal. So I can't eat it.

Are you with me on this? Like, it's rough for a guy like me. If you said to me two weeks ago I went to a comedy show and somebody fingered me in the back, we got a fucking problem. You know what, Joey, I was just having lunch with Jackie Cashion and a bunch of comics, and there was a young guy comic that was defending girl comics about how a newbie girl comics are afraid at night at the clubs. And I was all like, whatever.

And then someone brings up Louis. And I was literally like, I was around Louis for a long time and he never did anything to me. And so I am suspect. And then all the stuff came out and you start to realize, you know, people that are predatory are picking people, that no one will believe. You know what I mean?

They're going to pick people that, if you heard something to be, oh, that girl's questionable, or I don't believe you, or this or that, you know? And I just think that there needs to be a clear conversation of what we're going to tolerate as a society. You know, like if a guy hits on me while I'm at work,

you know, what is the rule? Like, what are the rules? We need to have that conversation. So, like, one part of me is like, God, Al Franken, must be a creeper. But then the other part of me is like, wouldn't it be great if someone like that could really have a conversation, like start a conversation of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, you know? Because I think a lot of people are getting called out righteously.

And I think I worry about, because I heard a girl comment say, oh, now bookers aren't going to book girls because they don't want to freak the guys out. You know what I mean? It'll go underground. It's like all this shit. shit like let's just have a real conversation about it i don't want this to be like for girls a handicapped bathroom for comedy like now two girls can't get hired because the guy's in the condo right i don't want that to happen really shouldn't and it's and it's you know what i've shared

thousands of condos and fucking women i've been cool with them it's uh i've never you know what's the word you use predatory uh-huh i've never been predatory with my hands but when i used to get coked up, the coke would make me be predatory with my mouth. Right. So you'd talk some shit? I would talk about some shit, but my salesman's shit, pussy skills would also

get enlightened, you know. Were you good at it? When I was coked up, I could talk you in fucking anything. If you were on the feds, if you were a little coke, if you liked doing a little coke, getting fingered, I could get

you halfway there. Do you know what I'm saying? And I'm the type of guy that I never wanted no surprise. Because I was such an addict that don't think you're going to come to my hotel room, snort coke. I'd at least not suck a dick or do something like that. Right. You snort in the cocaine. We're family. Even if tomorrow we're back to being friends.

Tonight you've got to suck a little dick. You got to show me that monkey. You got to do something. I would set it up before we went to the hotel. Uh-huh. So the girl knew exactly what was happening. Yeah, I would pull you aside and say, for me, sure, I got an eight-born. We got a bottle of Tatinos.

when we get there, I got to put you to work a little bit. What do you mean? You know, you gotta show me the monkey, we gotta do something. Okay, you know the deal. Some people knew the deal going in, so you have to be, like I was, you know, like, what are you going to do here? You're sitting with next to this and there's a common.

Right. But do you ever even worry about saying stories like that because I'm sure there's people that hear that that interpret that differently? I'm not saying. I'm talking to you, I'm telling you from an addict's perspective. Right. I'm not telling you from a Joe Dia's perspective during the Koki. It's like I was telling the story at dinner about somebody.

You know, somebody who saved my life tonight, Sugar Bear, let me tell you a fucking fucked up story. You know part of the story. I didn't feel, you know, the whole fucking story. Because I didn't remember at the time. We talk on the phone, her and I from time to time. And we giggling with dear friends. I was, if I'm 54, she's 52.

But she was hot. When I was 15 and she was 13, I used to have an above-ground pool. And when I was about 14, everybody would come over the pool and I had goggles on one day. You know, when you're 14, that's when you start reacting to women, you know. I was, you know, swimming underneath. And I saw her go underneath. And when she went up, her bikini went down a little bit. She had the hairiest pussy in the world and my body just froze in the water.

I thought I was gonna fucking drown But she was kind of like a little sister type I hung out with her brother And we all hung out together And this nothing happened Felicia we were tight And guess what? My mother dies November 8

And it's Christmas Eve And I felt terrible inside Felicia I mean I didn't know what I felt like I just can't describe the feeling like And we spoke on the phone And we were fucking how You know if you know what I mean you howl about we things. Right, yeah. Like her and I were

howling because I had to tell her what happened. I go, I was with my friends we got Bala Jack Daniels and we went out and I bumped into her at that party and she goes, I remember and I go, when I was fucking mind-fucking you I wasn't

and I wasn't doing coke that night. I was mind-fucking her from a from an angle of pain I just didn't know how to tell her. I did not want to be alone that night. Right. I did not want to be alone. I had never really had sex with a girl before,

and nothing would make me feel better tonight if I could have sex with you. And I told it just like that, Felicia. I go, even if you just come over and let me suck your titties. I don't even know how I said it. It wasn't really in a vulgar way. And I remember I told you, I went back.

She said no, that she was still too young to lose her virginity. And I remember I told you the story that I went back and I jumped the fence. and I drank at the grave the rest of the jack and I kept thinking maybe I should dig my mother up I mean I felt horrible at night It was the first Christmas away from my mother

Yeah I can't even imagine it's unimaginable And I jumped the fence and I cried the whole walk home And when I walked in the fucking house The phone was ringing And she goes what are you doing And I go I just got home you know And she goes Are you gonna be home for a little while

I go yeah she came over 15 minutes later And we made love and till this day we're best friends and I finally called her two weeks ago and explained to her when she left how I felt like it gave me a lease on life as stupid and as selfish

like she was an angel that night she didn't come over and was I still remember her bleeding and that's me holding her like I had never done that before she lost her virginity and like I had never done none of this stuff before and I remember her leaving

and we didn't sleep at all that night the people were living what were just coming home they were playing cards on New Year's Eve and like that gave me another three months of life like it wasn't just a piece of pussy like you know what I'm saying

right after my mother died the chick did give me a piece of charity pussy she called like a weekup my mother wasn't the dirt wasn't even stiff yet and this chick was an old good piece of ass from the old days I had never made love to before. I used to finger her and we'd, you know,

I'd, you know, drop spit the shit. You have to remember he's 15. I was just thinking how many fucking different finger-bang stories I know of your person. I'm all like, well, like, I was such a Catholic that I wouldn't dare to put my dick in your pussy from this shit. Like, I would rather look at it. No, I wouldn't even look at it.

I'd finger you through your pants. I even got quote one, fingering a German girl. A German girl. Her father was watching me. finger and they told her to come in and she couldn't move because my hand were in her pants. She's like five minutes. I'm like, yeah, five minutes, pops. The next day they transferred her butt. Yeah, sure, yes.

She was at Holy Rosary Academy. The next day they put it like in fucking Jupiter. There were Christians up there. But it was funny because when she left that night, like it was, oh no, I was telling you about the other girl that gave me a piece. She told her she had a piece for me. she had never made love to me I had a barbecue That's the third finger story in three minutes But that's all I did

I used to just finger them at barbecues That one I fingered at the barbecue at John Bender's house And then I walked over together Where would you do it at the barbecue? That's just a terrible visual John Bender had a picnic table With like a tablecloth over it You do it outside?

No, I did it inside at the four seasons Yeah, I did it outside No, I got the room at the four seasons When I'm 14, yeah. The fuck do you think this is, roses? Isn't there a couch somewhere? No, there's no couch. I had my mother.

You know what it is to bring a girl to Cuban? Listen, here's the weird thing. Like, Felicia, I love you to death. But if you're Spanish, these conversations we have about your boys would not exist. You would sit them down and go, here's this planning symbol. The first bitch I see in here, she's going in the hospital and you're going in the hospital. That's how Spanish moms are.

Like, you both go into the hospital for broken bones another day. damages. Don't bring one of your skinny bitches over here. Cuban moms do not play that. Like I used to try it for a while and my mom used to make me leave the door open. Oh yeah, the hell of what though you did it? But we're trying to study. We can't hear with your music. I'll put the

music down. But leave their fucking door open. I know. And if a girl called the house, God forbid. My mother would interrogated. But I did that too, Joey, with one of my sons and I had, I don't know if I told you this, but I had done a gig where they were giving at a gay club, where they were

giving out condoms. So I had like, I opened my person, literally poured them in, and then I gave 15 of them to each of the kids. And then like two weeks later, my oldest is like, we were going to the drugstore and he's like, Mom, you got any more of those condoms? And I'm like, what the fuck, dude, I bought you 15 condoms. I told you not to mess around him. He's like, no, no, I used them. And then I go, what? And I go with who? And he goes, with these two different chicks. And I go when? And he goes, when you were home? And I'm like, where? In my room? And the door was open. That's how fast it happens, Joey. And I had to say to him, don't have sex over here, you know?

Crazy. When you're in the back, they're going to get one woman's show. I know, I know. I'm all like, shh. You're like, I'm Hemingway Jr. And meanwhile, your son's in there getting his hammer suck like a savage and shit. I know, I know. I know. I know. Taking pictures like Al Franken and shit, grabbing tinnies. I know. I know.

I can't have judgment on it. Because now his bedroom is where we used to do the old podcast where I took a picture of your balls on all the life. How crazy is that? I went over your house one day. Very straight face. And I know, listen, I want you to take a picture of my balls. And you looked at me like, oh, what are you talking about? Let me get my camera.

He was like, all right, let me get the camera. And I had to hold my dick up while you took my balls. It was funny because at first you started from eight feet away. And then I had to get up on that shit. And then you got up on that shit. You're like, wait a second. This is like Vietnam. I got to get up close and shit.

Can you imagine if you try to do that now? Like with all this stuff happening, if you got that call today, Felicia? I would do it. You'd still do it. I would do it. I was thinking about something. Let's say a girl wants to get a...

Again, I'm not being fresh on anybody. I'm just asking you, if a woman wants to get her... Because I see all these women, or see all these women, like I'm a fucking sexual... Somebody was talking about pierced vaginas. Like an article that pears.

Pius vaginas really got, in 2015, it was the year of the pierced of some shit. Everybody got their vaginas pierced. And I was thinking about like who pierces vaginas, women or men? I think both. I think it depends on who you go to. Like is they a doctor or does a tattoo do this? I don't know. Maybe they just get a potato and a needle.

You know what I mean? To do it themselves. Can you imagine? Where do they pierce? Like the clip? I don't fucking know. You know, I didn't ask the New York Times. you know where the fuck

they pierce no I'm kind of scared I don't want that in my fucking history my wife goes in there and see a vagina piercing and next to you know I'm fucking you know living in this office

yeah living in the couch come to my office that's crazy it's uh whose phone is that is it no mine nobody ain't nobody

ain't nobody called this motherfucker Jesus Christ But it is weird how Like different Like you can be okay with different things Like Joey you say all these things We've joked for years

Like how you talk to the Denny's waitresses And it's not even anything sexual But it's just something that you wouldn't expect Like women to be okay with So it is I think it would be kind of hard to know What the line is for some people Well that's a thing It's like after the whole Louis thing came out

Some girl comic young girl comic put on there I wouldn't care of Louis showed me his pain or whatever. And yeah, that's cool for you, but that might not be for everybody. I mean, you don't know what experience people have had, you know? Like if you're going around masturbating in front of some chick that was molested as a kid or had an issue or even if, you know, like, why do we even have to endure that, you know? I try. I'm crazy, Felicia. Yeah, I know.

I have moments of fucking craziness. And I thought about, you know, I've been thinking. taken a lot lately. I've been doing a lot of soul searching, just like the Gina story with the door of 14 and shit like that. I always thought about that story the wrong way. She was an angel that night.

She really did save me. I don't remember the sex. I don't remember what acts we did. I came in a minute. It doesn't matter. I've always been a pre-me. I just know that I felt different after that. Not that I had conquered. Like sometimes you have sex and you feel like a conqueror. This wasn't a conqueror.

This was like she had given me three moments. I swear to God, it's the weirdest thing. Well, I think it's a beautiful story, and I don't think that equates at all, even though you were, you know, talking her in. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. But even though you were talking her in, I think that's a beautiful story,

and that was a very kind thing that she did. But that's a way different than, you know, what stuff is going on? Like, what about that Matt Lauer thing? How weird to wake up and hear about that Matt Lauer? Okay, so what exactly did Matt Lauer? There's just, as far as I know, they were saying that someone that worked there, they had some meeting and some big story came out about how he, I guess, was harassing someone. However, I don't know the details. I don't know the details, but. I read an article that just before you guys came over that he had a button at his desk that could remotely lock the door.

So no one could come in. Oh, yeah. But was he using it to do weird stuff? The stories haven't really come out yet. From what I heard is that he had a reputation. Like one time he had a producer bring a pillow up to his room that he thought was pretty. So it's just, but it's a weird, because I grew up, I started out in post-production. And it's different for me. Like it's not a sexual thing, but there's a little bit, it's like it is kind of a boys club.

There's a little bit of hazing a little bit. There's a, so, do you think stuff like this, even though, Like, you obviously, it's terrible what's happening. You have to report it. Do you think it's hurting women in a way almost? That everything is coming out right now? Just that in some ways, I think it would scare some people from hiring or bringing in women. Well, you always worry about that.

But the fact is, like, why should we have to be your lesson? Like, why for Louis to learn the lesson of not to do that? Why do those women have to endure that? I mean, they shouldn't. They shouldn't. Yeah. The whole thing is, but then what are the rules? It goes back to what are the rules.

I mean, as far as if you're at work and you're in an editing bay and can you ask a girl out, is that considered harassing? You know, like, what is then what is it going to be like where you can't even ask other people out? Because that, you know, there has to be a line somewhere. Is that a line? Is asking somebody out a line? But if you're working with someone in a workplace, do you think, you know, especially if it's a corporation? I think some corporations have rules about that. And I've heard some people like he would continue asking people out, which would freak people out, I guess.

But I don't think of like one asking on a date's the thing. I'm just even thinking about like stupid like farts or dick jokes or just like I don't know, I don't know where the line is with that. Like I don't know. Like there's this guy who I'm still very friendly with who would come up behind me. and just start rubbing my shoulders. I was a 23-year-old kid getting, he would freak me out and we would laugh. But I can see with a girl, it would be a very different. Oh, absolutely.

It would be a very different situation. Because that's some guys, that's how they get into it about, oh, I'm really good of giving a massage. Oh, really? You're going to give me a platonic massage right here in the workplace? It's like, please. But that's kind of creepy. Did you feel creepy when he did it the first time?

Like, ugh. I was just like, it was almost like, it was, it felt a little. little weird, but it was, we just started laughing. It was just, I never, I never viewed it as, as something bad. And I don't know, I, I, I, to a certain degree. Did he keep trying to do it? Well, he would do it. Like, we would do it, he would do it all the time, yeah.

Well, then, every time he did it, would you just go a little further, like, a little hair further, a little hair further. He never would touch anything, but he would, like, he would hug me and, like, yeah, it was, uh, and I don't know, it's, in a way, because I, I can't, I can't imagine what girls go through, but I will. Part of me doesn't want them to be able to miss out on that. Because I know there's a lot of women who are editors and working the tech side of things. And it wouldn't be fair, really, for them to, like, not be able to get positions or they don't have the same experience.

Yeah, but the same thing is, like, here I am sitting with Joey and you, right? And Joey's talk, told me three finger story jokes in a row. Like, if we were in a corporate atmosphere, that wouldn't be okay. But because we're doing this kind of stuff Or you're doing editing Where it's a little bit more of a relaxed atmosphere You know as a woman When you're joking with a guy like that

When it's cool and when it's not cool I fucking hate Since I was a young man To put a fucking facade on for a woman I would rather not fucking talk to you And not be around you Any woman if I ever had to put a fucking face facade on

because I got called out maybe 30 years ago you did I got called out by a woman at a car dealership because she said that and included her in my conversations because I was trying to be a gentleman and one day she goes

maybe I want to hear that pussy joke did you ever think about that and I felt so shitty because I would always crack stupid jokes but I would always pull guys to the side and about them and she really liked me. She was an older woman. If I was 22, she was 40, she had

kids. Good looking as fuck. You know, good looking husband, nice people. So I didn't take a curse in front of her. I was trying my artist. And one day she came over to me, she goes, let me ask you a question. What don't mean you do? I go, we do everything. We giggle. She goes, how come when you tell us something

dirty, I'm not invited? I go, I don't know. And she goes, well, you don't think I want to hear a good pussy joke myself from time to time? I lost my... everything I suspected about myself at that time I threw out the window like everything my mom taught me growing up

at that point so I've always included women like an equal I can't tell a story about anal raping somebody in front of somebody but if I'm going to tell a good dick story or pussy story I want you to hear it right I want you to hear and understand it because that and especially if you're a comedian

you know again I don't want to talk about black comics I don't want to talk about white comics I don't want to talk about German comics I don't like differentiating comics. I put women comic. I love everybody. I want you just to be funny. So when I'm in a car with you and we're taking a six hour drive on a triple one, and if you think me and Lee have to sit there and be fucking Mormons because you get offended, I'm not treating you as a fucking comedian, man. So there's so many thin lines here that you have to understand as what we're doing.

What am I going to, every time I see a hot chick, I'm going to look at Lee and go. And you're going to sit there like, what am I, 13? kidding again just say that you like her ass guys you know that's what's part of a comedian right me taking my clothes off in front of you're just taking my digger yeah that's not the right part of being a comedian do i am i mad at louis and listen i i i never lived in no shoes i had different shoes i lived in and i'm sure he heard of the shoes i lived in he didn't like him either so but i think that that's the other part of i've never treated you like a second i've always treated you like one of my brothers in Jersey.

I don't give a fuck. Your feelings get hurt. Tough enough. You're a fucking comic. You know, my friends in Jersey don't cut no corners. They don't cut no corners. But you don't tell, like,

there are guys you wouldn't say, tell an anal rape story too. I mean, when you're out and about in a polite society. I don't know. What the fuck do I anal rape? I wish I did. And have some fun from the ton of time.

But we're all... I think the problem, too, is sometimes people can't pick up other signals with people. You know, like people, and I think, like, if you're in a situation, we're working together, and then I'm the woman that says that to you. Yeah, I like a dirty joke. It's cool.

We're all cool, right? But then the problem becomes there are people out in society that aren't picking up the subtle cues of, just because I'm saying I like a pussy joke. To them, they might see her saying, I like pussy jokes, says, man, I don't like some fucking pussy jokes. You know what I mean? Like, people's filter is all different. And that's the problem. Like, how are we going to regulate?

this whole conversation when when people don't see things the same way you know that people have a different filter by the way I mean the majority of us have the filter of you know don't shit where you eat and be respectful obviously but how do you regulate the rest of it and and who do you throw in jail over it and who do you get rid of over it like what what is the line you know do you think Louie can come back do you think he can come back is absolutely you think so do you think a guy like like Bill O'Reilly can come back? No.

Yeah. This is because it's over it, over it, over. Right. And he's such a fucking puke to look at. And if you didn't know he was some type of dickhead before you watch, if you don't like, like the one who had me fool was Charlie Rose. He looks like Felicia's father. Like I go over there and not even if I dated you, you know the type of dad's like,

hey, how you doing? Hey, look what it is. Come on it. That's Charlie Rose. I grew up on Charlie. Rose. Right. You know, but

the fucking dude, the Roy Moore, oh, that guy, he's molested little boys, too. He was a Cubscott leader and I got fired. I guarantee, they got to dig deep. That dude is just a dirty fucking freak.

You know, there's people you look at and it doesn't, it doesn't. You don't ever want to judge, but like when you look at Harvey Weinstein, I had heard stuff and when you look at him, you could tell he's a fucking pig. I mean, he's just a fucking pig. And then you can't blame the position he's in.

you know, the position he's in, he would do stuff like that. That's what people knows type of creepy. That's what's coming out every day. Every day is the CEO. You know who I bet is at home fucking jumping up and down, Cosby? Nobody has said a word about Cosby.

Like right now, Cosby's attorney is like this whole type. We need three more these white motherfuckers to get caught. And we're going to just going to get thrown right out of fucking court. Well, can we, like, Felicia, can I ask you, like, the difference between, and maybe Cosby's not a good example because he raped people. And he drug them. But with, like, Louie, the thing that I was thinking about was, at least so far, it's always come out that he asked beforehand. And then, like, the issue was, at least in the articles that I read, is that people who he asked, some, like, because of who he was, didn't feel like they could say no or didn't know what would happen.

Well, you get paralyzed. You don't know what to say. Look, and I was thinking about this when you were talking about the girl that came over and you said that you had jumped into the swimming pool and you seen her little bushy bush. And I was thinking, and I'm being completely fucking serious. I was at the mall a week ago and it was a mom and her daughter who was like 18. And we were on the escalator and she had on shorts. And she had like her, she was, it was so bushy.

It was like halfway down her. And I was paralyzed because when you come across, even if it's that, lame and stupid. I was like, oh, do I say something? Oh, don't look. You know, you have that moment where you're just like, what do you do? And so when someone says, oh, I'm going to do this real quick as they're doing that, you're paralyzed. And it's not always out of this tremendous fear. It's just like, what do I, oh, my job. And if I say, how do I exit? How do I back out of this without losing my job? That's what it is. And then that's a problem. Like that's the part that I think, and it doesn't justify what he did at all. But if he's been doing this or if anyone,

been doing it for 20 years when they're a normal person and a girl couldn't say yes or no and wouldn't be like wouldn't think there's a job online or anything but now Louis just happens to have a TV show and now people are putting that on him oh now he won't like me or take me on the road if I say no so like that it must be like that's something that you also have to think about like okay now I'm who am I and can I still do these things because like I don't what another guy who did what Louis did be in the

same amount of trouble? I don't know. Well, I mean, yes, you get in trouble. You can go to jail. You can get in trouble for that. That's not okay, you know? The thing is that when people do stuff like that, they're picking on people that they have power over.

You know, they're not going out and doing it at a bar where they're really vying for the most beautiful women with seven under other hunky guys. They're picking people that they have a shot with. And it's because they're in the position of power. You know? It's funny.

Before we go on, let me give some shoutouts real quick. Before I fucking forget. Because we did a podcast this week with the fucking heat. I don't know what the fuck happened. It doesn't matter. First off, I want to thank Scott Cunningham for putting the fucking page back with my man, Dickie Syatt, VP of Operations. I want to thank Cassius Morris, Jay.

Michael Loon, Joe Rookland, Gino Robles, Troy Pierce, Jordan Barnack, and Ari Nose. Don't forget, Sunday Novo, Monday Observatory, San Diego and Tuesday Observatory

Santa Ana. And all you got left is Thursday for Sacramento and my dates are done for the year. I'm fucking retiring for 2017. I don't want in 2018. You and I did a podcast a couple years ago. There was a great talk, and it was something I learned in 1985.

I learned it in 83, and I needed someplace to stay, and a girl called me, and we were talking one day, a girl that I had known in high school, 1981 to 1983, and my name was everybody was fucking everybody. You know, if we were at Korky's together, and we went to a bar, and we did Coke at three. If you went back to the thing, we were fucking. And we were friends. And then the next day, you'd go out with your girlfriends.

And nobody would say anything. And we'd just move on. It was fine. And I came back from Colorado, and we did Coke a couple nights, like two nights. And I remember the second night, Felicia, we were both in the same bed. Like, we were both laying there. And something made me not touch her. Like, I turned over, and I sucked in those days.

To come down from Coke, I would take it on. orange and take the guts out and suck on the peel. And they said that that would bring you down. Whatever. And after that, I moved out. I moved with friends and nothing ever happened between us. And I came and I always regretted it. Like, fuck, I could have fucked to that night.

She's such a fucking hot piece of ass and shit. Years went by and something happened and I got into a beef and she heard about it. She bailed me out. She even gave me money and she was a friend. She helped me stay with her for a few days And I learned a valuable lesson That you can't fuck everybody I learned that lesson at 21 years old

You can't fuck everybody There's nothing more than when I see a guy over 24 Thinking that he could fuck everything When you're 18 You can fuck whatever you want You can go Guys with 18 got no class They actually have no idea

They're finding their sexual Who the fuck they are sexually When you're 21 everybody You know those guys and musicians and you mean them, and you can see them. They'll work you. And if there's no window, give them two minutes, they're working the girl next year. And then you sit there and go, what the fuck?

By the way, how come we haven't heard anything from musicians harassing women? That's got to be the next big chunk of people coming out. Well, the really weirdest thing that I had was not to go away from that. I'll go back to it because you're going to love this story. But that's rule number one, man. You just can't fuck everybody. You got to look at some women and go, you know what? She's going to be a fucking ally.

You know, she's going to be this or something. And then if you do take them on professionally, they have to be professional. You have to be professional. You know, I've always kind of really believed in that. You have to be fucking professional, man. You know who you're going to fuck and you know you're not going to fuck. When you're on the road, you bump into victims. and you know, and you go back to your room

and you can't believe shit happens half the time. You can't believe you ask somebody for a blowjob and they suck your dick or you were doing coke. You can't, you know. But that's the main thing about this. Like even when you hear Trump's conversation, that just on the bus with Billy Bush or Billy Burr, whatever his fucking name is,

that wasn't just Trump. That was a voice of a lot of men. that think that way. Oh, absolutely. You know what I'm saying? I can just go up to Felicia and grab a fucking pussy and that. You know, that wasn't the voice

to just Trump. That was the voice of a lot of men in that position. Yeah, of entitlement. Of entitlement. Yeah. Of, you know. And I'm no fucking saint,

but I'm no fucking sinner. You know, I've been on both sides of the fence. I just, I always kept that in mind. You can't fuck everybody. You can't fuck everybody. Why would you want to even sleep with somebody who's really not even fucking enjoyed it?

You even think of that? Why would you ever sleep with an ex? You ever fuck somebody for three years? But he had good dick, Felicia. Right. And after six months you go over there for a dose of dick. And it's a good dose of dick, but how badly do you feel on the way home?

Oh, yeah. It's like killing at a D club. You ever go to a D club and you're going to a standing hall? Right. On the way home, you're like, I should shoot myself. Right. It's like, you know what I'm saying? like that I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't really want to be with me.

Well, that's because you have learned to grow your empathy muscle, you know, and people that do that don't have, aren't having empathy. They're unable to feel sorry or bad for someone else. They're doing it because they're unable to put themselves in the other person's shoe. I mean, don't you think? If someone's doing that, they're also being a fucking bully. I mean, it's like the sexual component of it is bad enough, but that's a bully person. personality. You know, no nice guy is like, oh, it's a, sorry, you know what I mean? It's a fucking bully that's doing it. Like, all those guys are bullies, you know?

I want to know the agents that were sending those girls to those meetings at a hotel. That's the next thing that's going to come up. It has to, right? Eventually, we have to shoot the message. Who sent all these young girls to the meetings? They knew what the fuck was going on. Who hooked up these,

fucking meetings with with fucking Harvey. How did they find out about with Harvey just call Felicia Michaels up? I don't know. And says, I have a project for you

and meet me at the four seasons in the suite 111. I want to know who the messenger was here. Did you ever think about that? Who the fuck was the message around all these? But the thing is, it's like this, it's the same thing is

if we're on the road, what do we do if you and I go on the road? We're hanging out in your hotel room. You know what I mean? Like there is a lot of normalcy in the business. maybe that's the part that will change where if someone is living in New York

but working on a project here in L.A. and they have a suite in a hotel. Like there is an argument to be made for like, it seems kind of reasonable in a way, right? But then the way he did it, it wasn't like come to my hotel room. It was like, come to my, let's have lunch. Oh, let me go get you a script.

Oh, just walk with me to go get you a script. Oh, you know what? I put the script in my suitcase. I'm not saying this is exactly how it went out. No, no, no, you're exactly right. You've been there. Yeah, yeah, you've been there. You've been there.

You've been there. Oh, shit, I didn't bring the script down. Come on, let's take a walk up to it. And they'll even tell you, that's how they suck here. You can wait down here. But no, come on up. Yeah. I want to show you this other script I got.

It's those little pieces of crumbs that they throw out you. And you're like, well, I don't, is this what guys do? Because that's the thing. If then we're two guy comics and we're hanging out in the room, right? If I'm the opener and I'm the girl comic and now two guy comments are like, oh, let's not, you know, we don't want to get in trouble or whatever. And then you don't get to go in the room. That sucks too, because that's the best part is when everyone's equal in a private situation and you're having a great conversation or you're talking about a project or, you know, whatever it is, you know. So it's a complicated thing, you know, but I'm sure now show business will change in that.

They have to. The whole business has to change. And I was talking with John Fugel saying he's a always is up on everything. And he's like, the mainstream media isn't even reporting how much sexual harassment is bubbling up in all businesses. Like people are getting called out in all little corporations. It's not just media. But mainstream media isn't really reporting on that. You know, it killed me the most about Hollywood situation that they're blowing it up like Harvey invented.

And it's been going on in Hollywood since the fucking 30s. They've been abusing fucking women. Marilyn Monroe, I said it a thousand times. That poor woman. You know what, but you know what it is? It's like when you do a gig, right, and you have a comic friend that's booking the gig, and he's making, and the gig, the venue is giving him $4,000,

but he's only giving you, like, $500. He's given the middle $250, and he's taking the other $3, $3,200, whatever it is, or $4,200, whatever it is. It's like, that's what is equated to me about the whole sexual harassment thing. Like, everybody wants to take a little cherry on top. No one minds if you take a little cherry on top. If you're working with someone and you like that chick and you hit on that chick

or you touch your shoulder and then, you know, it creeps her out but nothing is said. That's, you know, okay, I'm not mad at that guy. It's the people who are pigs about it. It's the people that want to not just take the cherry on top. They want to fuck you in the. ass you know what I mean they want to take that you know that's that it's the bully mentality of that though like how do we regulate that what's the answer for that there's no regulation of it because like you said look how many people 66 people came out after the fact you know I guarantee

there's still another 50 women that just don't even want to think about how did he even have time to work you know what I mean like that was his work a lot of energy you know what does he do is he do is he read the script. He's got three guys. He hired like people to hush the women up, like all that drama that he had to constantly put out fires just to get his dick sucked. He had hired counterintelligence

people to see what was out there about him and propel us. You know, it's again, what a tangled when we weave. Right. When we tangled to deceive. I mean, his you have to sit there at one point and go, is

that worth it to have? really was it that important I mean this is a different type of addiction this isn't coke or alcohol this is your addiction to the action of the lie the action of the whole this is a whole different fucking thing and let's say I don't know if he did coke

but what would make you want you know he had so many lawsuits out there what would make you hire fucking people to find out what was out there about you I mean it's brilliant shit Yeah, no, the whole thing is just nuts. You know, again, one of tangled web we weave. And all he had to do, Lee, let's go back to the details.

Going to the fucking best restaurant in town, find yourself a little pretty girl, talk to her a little bit, and say, look, and I'm married. I'm 42. Me and my wife barely talk. I give her stab him once a year. She doesn't let me come in her ears anymore.

I make fucking $5 million a month. What if every month I gave you $10,000, and you got a brand new car? I come over twice a month and give you a stab, and I'm like, your pussy, I'm fine. And I sign a fucking waiver. That's all you can do. And don't tell me that people, don't do that in LA all the fucking time.

I know guys who got four of those bitches. Really? I knew a guy years ago that had four bitches on a paint row. Did they even sleep at night? How do they even tolerate all that anxiety over? Every moment must be like, oh, fuck, I'm going to get caught. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What caught?

You mind your fucking business, Felicia. I give you five grand, you shut your mouth. I come over, you suck my dick, you give me a piece of apple pie. I leave here, I go fuck your aunt. It's none of your business. Your rent is paying, right? The lights are paying. You're having a good time, dancing and singing all night, right?

We went to Alcapulco last month. Did you not suck a dick? down there. Yeah, okay, then. These guys just pay for that. It's called Peace of mind sex. Peace of mind sex. I don't want to hear it. And every month I want to report from the doctor. I want to tip top my goot,

check on that little monkey. I want it breaking down proteins, heart steroids, sperm counts. Well, I was thinking about you, Joe, because a few months ago, we had a couple episodes where you were really interested in, like, sugar daddy. We were talking about sugar daddy. Vegas is full of them.

No shit. No shit. Like, I was walking around, and there were guys, I was like, how did you, like, even, like, how, like, I would be embarrassed to walk around and it would be like the grandpa and, like, the high school senior look like. It was crazy. It's an arrangement. It's an arrangement. You look good. You're tremendous.

I don't want. I got a wife and three kids. I don't have time for this. When we go to Vegas once a month. I'm going to put chocolate fudge on the asshole, lick it. You're going to check from me from the corporate office once a month. You know how it is. You know the fucking deal.

Well, I mean, there's a difference. And you sign it. I'm not mad at those kind of chicks. I'm not mad at those kind of guys. No, not at all. And you sign a confidentiality agreement that whatever happens, I don't take pictures of you, I don't do nothing.

We're always covered. And if you do take my, you pull a John Gotti. You got to be it. Right? Wow. I hope you never make $11 million. Do you know John Gotti was fucking Mark Gastonaut's wife for a long time?

Oh, really? Oh, what was your name? The last of those wife was... The actress? Yeah, she ended up marrying Stallone, didn't she? Right, right. But I think there was somebody else, God, he was dating, and he couldn't be seen with her in public,

so he just would set her up at one of his friends. So they would go to Nick Games, and you would be there, but you'd see it next to Lee. Meanwhile, I'm taking you home, but they're called Beards. Right. Beards. You know what I don't know about this shit. You know, I'm a fucking Ali-Molly.

I don't know much about nothing. I just survive. You know what I'm saying? It seems like you do have a plan, though. No, no, no, I don't have a plan because I dated a girl who had a sugar daddy. And when she told me about it, it crushed me. Yeah. Because I didn't know that existed.

I didn't. That's how naive I was. I'm hip on, you know, I'm watching the show. I was telling Terry before you came that I don't give a fuck about Martians. I don't give a fuck about politics. I don't give a fuck about nothing. I give a fuck about human behavior and intelligence. and why what people judge as intelligence

and what people don't judge as intelligence. And I've always loved writers like Hemingway and all that type of shit. But I'm watching that show, Horta, Horta. A guy that was Pablo Escobar's hit man that turned himself in. In the first 40 episodes, it was so unbelievable that I had to really investigate the guy

and watch another documentary. And they said at the end, they said, Pablo Escobar was a genius when it came to part of that stuff. But his main source was this young kid, this Hota Horta. And they're just people who God puts on this planet

with that type of mind. Your ex is very good at what he does at his business. His business, God put him on this planet to be a great manager. You know what I'm saying? My wife is good with a count. She was a great writer.

This fucking guy, I'm watching episode 20, and I forgot out about it. And these are all true stories. what he was doing. There was a new warden in the prison that would do get out of your cell, go through your cell, rip your mattress. And when your wives came in now, he had the police stick things up your wife's pussy to make sure they weren't bringing drugs or money in. Jesus. Jesus. So nobody could smuggle drugs in anymore. So Lysayette wanted to kill Hota Hota, Popeye, right? So Popeye went into his cell and he goes, fuck you.

I'm gonna take care of your itch. You can't get none of your cocaine in here. I'm gonna bring it in the guys like, you'll never do it. How do you think, Hotha brought to cocaine? He hid it in the warden's car. So the warden would park in front of his house. He would have one of his friends go at four in the morning and put a kilo

underneath the car in the panel. And then they would drive the car in and he would pay a fucking cop to go take the kilo out. there's people that have different minds for different things like they just really versus you know Harvey's mind you know these people's mind

Cosby's mind can you imagine what Cosby was living with you know I always talk about Jeffrey Dahma think about going home tonight for leisure eating a steak right you know kissing your kids goodbye and then knowing that Lisa is under your bed dead

he's run to there for a week Think of what mind is... Well, what is that? Where they just don't have any... Not remorse. Yeah, they can't feel remorse. They call them psychopaths. I don't think it's way beyond the psychopath.

What, listen, one time, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know what? My friend told me, when we were kids, we got... What? Spanish Fly. Spanus Fly. Yeah. Okay, so my friend told me about the Spanish Fly.

This is a cute little girl in my block named Felicia. I'm going to invite her off a lemonade and give her some Spanish fly. And you actually pass out, Felicia, and I go in your shirt and I squeeze your tithies. After about, I feel a little remorseful, and I don't do it. And that's it, I never do it again. Well, you should be in trouble for the first time. No, no, no, you'll wake up and just say, what the fuck? No, no, I don't think so.

Your pussy will be okay. No, I don't think so. Your pants won't be on backwards. Well, imagine if that happened today. Imagine it's just saying one time. Okay, my mind is what makes you do that? How much

power did Cosby have that he would actually bring him to his fucking trailer? With NBC around them and assistants and fucking producers and you know, how many chicks said that he fucking

raped him right in the trailer? That they came to the set of the show. Well, I was on a show like a comedy strip live comic strip live used to do it the laugh factor and the makeup artist told me don't if you're ever on a stage with uh cosby you'd be careful like that was it was out this is like years and years and years ago

this had to been like 91 92 maybe around there three I don't know something like that yeah so it was common knowledge but what do you do if you know if you hear something and you can't prove it and then you know because then what do you do if you do say something

you know it's funny Felicia in your world I'm not saying that that's the right thing in your world define what's going on right now I mean what really offends you as a woman right now like what would a guy have to do

like you know like would it be your ass I'm just I'm not even trying to be funny with you I'm trying to just see what's really going on I wanted to have you on today not just to look at your beautiful face but just see the temperature because sometimes I get confused I don't know what a lot of words mean I'm not here molesting people I'm not here doping people or groping anybody but it's getting so sensitive

that I'm really thinking of not even putting my arm around a woman doing a picture anymore this is what gets on my nerves like when the whole louis thing came out there were there was guy comics that were like putting up all the articles and and and we're like you know fuck louie fuck this, fuck that, yeah, and fuck Louis, I get it. But then, like, one of the guys the next day had a picture of him and his three friends, and they were like,

we're going to go see the, we got into the screening of the Woody Allen movie, Yee-ha! And it's like, that's what is sickening about it. It's like, everyone's knee-jerk reaction is like, yeah, fuck that guy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then people are still participating in the

behavior, if not doing the actual behavior in not understanding that you know what I mean how ironic that is like you're saying oh louis bad but then you're excited to go to a Woody Allen movie who's been accused of molesting his own daughter you know so it you know like I just wish people would take a stance and kind of stick at it or like when this whole thing first came out and you and I had huge conversations about it and to be able to talk to you so that you see a different side of it because of what saying and I think that's what the great thing is now is all these women are coming out.

I mean, I'm no spring chicken and I had a guy touch my fucking push two years ago in a club, another comic that didn't have any money and that's a drag. You know what I mean? But, and the fact that that happened to me, like someone who's not 21 and, you know, and isn't worldly, that a person has that much privilege that they can do that, it's not okay. And to know that, like with my ex-husband, you know, it's such a complicated thing to talk about, but that when that's touched my ex-husband's life in business, that he's experiencing, you know, going through that as someone's protector, manager, whatever. And to know at the same time, his ex-wife is also being assaulted.

That's how much sex abuse. and sexual harassment and bullshit is going on right now. It's like, you know, every girl you know has five different stories. You know, like, we're all connected by it, and we have to figure out what the right thing to do about it is. And it's good that we're having this conversation, finally. Because what we, and it's good that media and comedians kind of kicked it off in a way. It's terrible, but at least we're trying to take care of.

of it. You know, they fire Matt Lauer, Louis lost shows. At least there is a repercussion. Yet the fact that Trump is in the White House and has been accused by even more women is ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Like, everyone's got to be on the same page or shut the fuck up, you know, and it's not fair at all. And it's your sisters. And I hate to be this person. I'm just going to stop myself because you know the whole fucking spiel, you know? So does this mean you won't take pictures of my nutsack ever? I'll take it. Let me get, can I, and can I have a cock sucker right in front of it?

I love it. Sorry to be that person, you guys. No. I wanted you to tell me what it was today. And at the same time, I'm trying to teach my sons not to be a misogynist and giving them condoms to have sex and saying, protect women and be respectful and don't share pictures of a girl sends you a picture. And I'm trying to do that to my son's. son, you know what I mean? Like, we have to figure it out because what about for your daughter or when Lee has kids and, you know what I mean? Like, we got to figure it out. Anyway, my apologies.

Well, thank you. Thank you for your, this is why I wanted you on, especially after the Matlawa thing. How weird. Because he shocked, that that was shocked me. He seems like the sweetest guy in the world. And you feel cheated as an American, whether it was Louis or Cosby now. Yeah, right. Somebody that you really liked to admire growing up and they kind of like. let you down. I mean, you know, Matt Lauer, my life still goes on. I still got to go pay for groceries or rouse and we still got to pay the mortgage, but it just takes away a little bit from you, you know. Absolutely. Even my youngest, because we would always watch as we eat breakfast, a TV in the kitchen,

and watch NBC, the Today Show. And today he woke up as a young teenage man, you know, and looks on his phone while he's in bed and he's like, fuck, Matt Lauer too. And feeling like, oh, that's, That was someone I looked up to. It was something I drove to tell you. I got a brilliant book from Bob Lalingis, who was family out of Chicago, big white socks fan. I love him to death.

I read a fucking disturbing chapter that I had heard about before. But it was the Jimmy Page, whatever tour, when he toured with a 13-year-old girl. Yeah. You know what I mean? He fucked that girl for years.

Jimmy Page was a romance. He was 13. And why doesn't anybody talk about that? What are you doing to do? It was a 1973 tour. Everybody was on that. I take it to court. I know.

The attorney will say, that's the first thing. I said, excuse me, before, what drugs did you consume that night? It was a Led Zeppelin show. Was it not? Were you sober at the time? Yeah, I was a member of AA. No, you weren't. You did acid.

You do not remember. She was 18. Now, shut the fuck up. What's his name, dated his niece or nephew? The piano player. Then he dated a 16-year-old girl? Billy Joel? No, not Billy Joel.

Liberace? No. Liberachi dated 16-year-old boys. I know he said boys. No, the other guy, the guy that's really fast on the piano in the 60s, the 50s. Oh, Jerry Lee Lewis? Yes, he dated his cousin. Yeah, he's Roy Moore, right?

He dated his cousin. No, no, he dated his cousin. Yeah. And she was way younger, too. She was like 16 and shit like that. I thank you. And don't forget Felicia's Michael's One Woman Show, Premiers.

January 26 and 27th. And I'm also going to be at the Denver Improv on Valentine's Day. Are you? Yeah, with Chris Monseca. That's a good show there. Chris is a good fucking dude. He got me in the business. Let me talk to you people about two things.

And we'll call it a fucking afternoon. All right. Number one, everybody's looking for a hustle. When you drive for the right, right sharing app, every trip can feel like a walk in the park. With Lyft, you can pick your own hours and drive when you want. Lyft makes driving the best gig in the world So the more you drive the more money you make

That's a type of action you get Lift knows that their drivers is what keeps them moving So they do everything they can possible To make sure their drivers are happy on every trip It's a simple formula Happy drivers means happy passengers Darden, maybe that's why 9 out of 10 Lyft rides get a perfect five-star rating

Now the holidays are here guys You can earn hundreds of dollars a week. Plus tips. You want to earn more, you drive more. It's never been that easy to give yourself a raise. Now, Lyft was the first ride share platform with tipping built right into the app because getting tips shouldn't depend on the passenger

having a crumpled bill in their pocket. You keep 100% of the tips, and they add up fast. Drivers have been paid over 200 mil since the feature was first introduced. And with Express Pay, you get paid instantly. You don't got to wait three, four weeks to get your money. Lyft is even taking the guesswork out of pickups. The new amp device uses color coding to help passengers find their drivers.

So do me a favor. Join the ride-sharing app. Join the ride-sharing company that believes in treating its people better. Go to Lyft.com slash Joey today, not tomorrow, not Friday, today, right now. And you get a $500 new bonus, new driver-bovers. new driver bonus That's right Plus the money you make driving

That's lift.com slash Joey Again, lift.com slash Joey Limited time only And terms applies Bitches Every year millions of people Received the least light gift of all time You know what that is for Lisa?

No I do not Fucking underwear Unless they're fucking sexy A little thong and shit You know what I'm saying But we still give it to our family And our loved ones who just don't want it Maybe it's because it's not the underwear.

It's the kind of fucking underwear. Let me tell you about Miandis. That's the only underwear that makes an amazing gift. They're soft, flexible, flexible waistband, three times softer than cotton. And let me tell you something. My camouflage ones are four years old, and I still got them. That's all I wear is Miundis. I wear them to Jiu-Jitsu.

I wear them to the gym. They keep your nuts comfortable. They keep the sweat out of there. They got the mold door, which keeps the moist shod. your nuts sack and that's what you want to ask for when you're a young man and you're dating nobody wants to pick a woman up with sweaty stinky nutsack so meundies is the undies for you meandies made underwear the perfect gift that everyone's going to love you for and it's a goddamn holiday miracle this year don't give underwear give me undies what i'm going to do is this it's a holiday season i'm going to

get you 20% off the best underwear and socks you'll ever wear i'm going to get your free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to meandies.com slash Joey. Again, that's meandies.com slash joey. The best underwear you'll ever put on. They're not even underwear. They're fucking like spacesuits. You follow me for your nutsack.

Don't forget, you're going to join Jiu-Jitsu this year and try to make better yourself. If you're a fat fuck, Fuji Sports.com, 15% off. code church, start off with the purple ghee or the lightweight or go right for the separito and knock yourself out. And don't forget the holidays are coming. December's going to be dead.

Lee's going to have to strip that month to make extra money. So instead, if you're going to buy something on Amazon, click on our banner. Where's the banner at? Just go to Joey Diaz.net. That's right there. Go to Joey Diaz.comnet. And the banner's right there and Lee gets a piece of the fucking action.

All right. I want to thank Felicia Michaels for coming again. Most importantly, I want to thank all you motherfuckers for being soldiers. I'll see you Sunday night in the Novo Theater or Monday night in San Diego. I love you guys. Have a great weekend. Stay black.