The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #541 - Jack Assadourian Jr.

Episode Date: December 12, 2017

Jack Assadourian Jr, a comedian, actor and writer, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.   Recorded live on 12/11/2017.
  

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Kick that mule, Lee. Out of respect for Ralphie Mae. Here we go, cocksuckers. Kick it, Lee. Kick it. I don't want to hear no bullshit tonight, Lee. Here we go. December 11th, the church of what's happened now.

Tomorrow, December 3,000. I think it's Ozzy. I was on birthday, but who gives the fuck? Oh, shit. I have two more. I'll do it right now. The church, you bad motherfuckers. I got my main man, the Christ killer.

Your uncle Joey Diaz. And my guest tonight is my little nephew, Mr. Jack Jr., aka Jack Asadurian, associated with the New Jersey Armenian-Armidian fact. Not the California Asturians. He's a New Jersey Asadurian. So I got, I think you're my first. first Armenian guest. Am I?

I'm ashamed of myself. I should have an Armenian on once a month giving out Groupon advice. You know what I'm saying? I was thinking about that Armenians invented Groupon. People just got sick and tired of Armenians coming and going, come on. I bought it five times $25. They invented Groupon.

Probably. Yeah, they probably did and shit. How much you want for Jiu Jitsu? $150 a month. Okay. I could only come maybe five times a month. What if? What if I give you $50

$10 times a session And then I tell you, okay And then white people got sick and tired of it And we're sick and tired of these fucking Armenians Coming in here And juggling or shit So you might as well just give him a group on And let us get beat from the beginning

Instead of going through the fucking back and forth And lose an hour Let me lose an hour in labor Instead of an hour And negotiating with these fucking people They're worse than Jews I grew up with Armenians I didn't even know it

But in my town You don't even really What were you? Right outside of Boston. Oh, okay. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

There were like four or five at least families. Oh, bless it. I mean, when I came here and I heard all these aeons, I was like, what is this? And then I was like, I didn't realize. And apparently... Abrecht, North Hollywood, right there. It's crazy because I grew up with Asadurians, Karnik Asudurian, and he had his brothers. And then there was another kid.

Perry Schlocking. He was a wrestler. and I remember him because he made a big noise when he knocked out four fucking dudes four of them challenged him and he goes I'll fight you one at the time he fucked up three of them the fourth one said no worries

we'll take you a word for here's a group on and shit and then the chronic kid was a weird kid because I was friends with him he was very sweet to me and when my mother died he came up to me one day and he goes anything you need like fucking anything like I'll strangle a motherfucker type of anything he was a very nice kid

and what made me stick out where he was a power lifter so he was him and his brothers would pick up Volkswagen's and turn them around that night and drop him you know what I'm saying so if you park going north him and his brother would come

pick up the Volkswagen turn around and park it's south so when you came out in the morning you go what the fuck happened those are big guys they were gigantic they were power lifters wow one night they ripped a bumper

I mean they always had a story bro one night I was one of the brothers I was with another family that were strong guys, the Burkles. And he had gone to Brown, and he was like a power lifter with Perry and the other guys. And I go, Do you got a mirror to do Coke on? And I'll never forget this. We were on the street at 3 in the morning. He just looked around.

And he went up to a car and he just ripped the side mirror off. That's how strong he was. I'll never forget. We were walking around until 4 doing Coke off a mirror with four screws coming out of it. And nobody gave a fuck. When you're doing coke, you don't give a fuck what you do it off. That's hilarious. You don't give a fuck what you do it off of.

You really don't. Toilet seat, fuck it, cell phone. You guys know from time to time. Yeah, we have all types of guests on the show. But I really like to put young and up-and-coming guests, comics that I see. And you know what, man? This is my formula for young and up-and-coming comics. This is the guys that impress me.

The guys that I see whenever I go out. Guys that call me and often me. rooms, guys that I know are always doing something. You know, you called me, Jack, and you asked me for work. If I had it, I'd give it to you. Most people, I won't give it to because they're looking for a fucking handout. Yeah. You know, I usually tell people, I have 20 friends that I know that work are fucking hard.

Yeah. And they can use this week. This week could probably put them over the top. They worked that fucking hard that I'd been in that situation. I was a feature act where I got two weeks of work a month. They don't pay your shit. But a guy comes along and he gives you two weeks, now that balances out the month. So it's so funny how I always get hit up by people, but it's always like a charity case.

Like the people that try to say hello to me, it's like a charity case. I know the motherfuckers that are out there. I see him tweeting. I see him on social media and I give them away free tickets, letting people know what they're doing. You know, it's very inspiring for a guy like me. I'm inspired by young guys. I see you young guys and I go, shit. I'm going to tighten my shit up.

I mean, you inspired me to do comedy. I don't know how many times Jack can be getting home from a long night of party. And I'd be getting up starting my tweet game at six. And we'd be going back and forth. Jack, what the fuck? Go to bed, cocksucker. No, man, you inspired me to do comedy. Your hustle motivated me, you know.

You always told me, like, I want you to call me one day and be like, hey, what are you doing? Where are you at? You in Vegas? You were you in Phoenix? Where you at? And it's got to that level where we miss each other because I'm working on the road And it's a blessing.

Well, I know you are because you're tight with Kate. Yeah. And it's funny. Kate always talks about it when she comes up here And Lee was saying he's heard you on the podcast And you're very good. And today I was sitting in, I go, you know what, man?

I want to put somebody on who hasn't been on before just so you got a different flavor. I'm doing a movie podcast on Monday on Wednesday. It's going to be long. It's going to be drama, comedy. So I wanted to add some flavor this week so who better than the fucking Mexican Armenian there you go to get the motherfucking party started I appreciate both of you guys for having me hell yeah plus

there's the other thing that I admire another thing about you you know say what you want to say about Pauley Shaw he's always worked yeah I'm saying he's a cabula on the goofy side but there's people who have businesses in life and we all deal with these people and we all went to school with these people that their father owns a business and they get an ex they get a Z28 for their 17th birthday and you're working at CVS or the movie theater where you work there.

And you become a little jealous of those people. Absolutely. You really do sometimes. You're like, fuck. And that motherfucker don't work. Like, oh, he has to work is on Saturdays and when he goes, he gets the construction guy's coffee and he fucking goes home hungover.

And that's what those guys do. And people fucking, that's, you know, Joe Jr. So people kind of have to like him because of his father and their employer. But nobody fucking like that. that guy. No, but they hate him. Because they hate him.

He comes on here. He causes problems, and he half the time, he don't fucking work. I look at a guy like you that you basically took over that business. You basically wanted to start

booking certain nights. And then once I saw you on the road and shit, I go, okay, he's kicking up to an extra level. Because he doesn't want people coming out of him going, well, your parents on the comedy club.

No, bitch, I work as hard as the next guy. You know, and I told, you on the phone, that whenever I see you, I think of myself in like 90, 91, whenever I would roof with my brother-in-laws, I was their brother-in-law.

You know, they were paying me good fucking money, and the other guys were getting paid great money because these guys weren't cheap. But I had outwork everybody. Yeah. Why? Because they were my brother-in-laws. I could have shown them there 10 after

and gotten coffee and said, what's up, guys? Look at these fucking slaves. It's good to know the boss, you know what I'm saying? But no, I would get dirty than them. I made sure I worked that I got there The first one on the job And I was always the first one to leave

So yeah my father told me when I got into this business He goes no one's gonna respect you If you don't start from the bottom So I worked the club I swept, I cleaned the toilets I made food made nachos I sat I seated I did the DJ I did everything from the bottom work my way up

When I became a comic I thought it would be easier Because I thought these are my friends They'll help me do it But no when I started doing comedy I had hate from everybody That where they would corner me like You know how to comedian you're the owner's son don't don't do what we do I can name a few comments but I'm not

gonna put them on blast but I'm saying like I had I had to really prove myself and I get myself five years I'm gonna say if I don't if I don't do something in five years then you know it isn't for me so I've been every day I work hard I wake up and I hustle I hustle I hustle I hustle and that's because I'm armin I'm Mexican that's a beautiful thing right there you know what I'm saying it's a good combination yeah but I saw you a couple weeks ago and you've come a long way You know You're a feature act You know

You're a good feature act You're finding your roots You know people always Everybody always wants to be a headliner That was the last thing I wanted to do Yeah I don't like it Because I was having such a good time Yeah it's so much fun as a feature

As an emcee I was having such a good time You just show up You just show up Do 25 minutes get fucked up You drink for free Exactly You could do the club three times a year

Because nobody gives a fuck about you You know he gives a fuck about the feature act so you get to work the club every 90 days no pressure you could work every week but that was a feature i worked every week and people go hey man it's time for you the headline fuck you yeah no i'm working every week i rather it'll get 300 less than what you're gonna give me the headline your shitty fucking club and have all the pressure and have all the pressure and got to get up and do radio and make believe i like people yeah fuck you yeah when you're a feature act or you had to show up snort coke drink and break even for the money and it's

the sweet spot they're warmed up they're warmed up yeah oh i love there's no check dropping nothing you just go in there boom boom boom bye good night you know no it's such a different uh and now like i'm not stressed out but i know i can't fuck around yeah when i was a feature you know what i got 30 minutes i'm gonna do 15 a fucking known material good material and i'm just gonna fuck around 15 minutes because it really doesn't matter yeah And then I learned that you can't talk to the audience because that fucks it up for that. Yeah. And you can't be too dirty, too.

No, you can't. But you can be dirty, but a classy type dirty. It's got to get someone. Listen, man, when you go to a club, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. Okay. It's not what you say, it's how you say. Yeah. I did comedy in my first two scenes when I was in Seattle and Denver, I did comedy with guys were coming.

up to be as obscene as they can, you know, like, so I took this, the fetus of an aborted baby and I fucked it in the ass, type of shit like that that gets a laugh from a fucking jerk off. Yeah. You know what I am? Like, that's who laughs at that type of joke, like a fucking jerk off, like Joe Jerkoff, you know. Like, you know, like, it's something, you know, that it's just a little added extra that the audience doesn't need. Yeah.

You know, just because Doug Stanhope does it and gets away with it beautifully because he knows how to do it doesn't mean you know how to fucking do it. And all you're doing is look at the audience faces. But you don't know that as a feature act. You lost. In your mind, you think you want dog. I went up there and I said, oh, you know, the most offensive fucking thing to them just to really push my limits.

But you didn't do nothing. They're not going to like you. You made the headline and work harder. Yeah, you made it. No, the headline is not going to work harder. You just look that bad. The headline is going to be easy. Because if he has any street sense or any common sense, his first 10 minutes, he's not going to attack you.

But he's going to attack the softer side of himself. Just to show how dark and stupid, you really were. Yeah. You follow me. Your opening always depends as a headliner. For me, what I've worked better on is the mood of the room. If the mood of the room, if the two people before me have been dirty and it's gone somewhere, I might as well open up with my dirtier shit and tame them back to my world.

But this is fucking years of experience. You know, this is completely different. It's a muscle. You've got to work. You know, you've got to put yourself in bad positions and comedy. And I've seen you do it. Oh, I love it. I love it.

I learned different Joe Rogan. When I first started working with Joe, Joe was the king of, bad positions. It was horrible to watch. And you'd always climb out of the hole. And you learn how to climb out of the hole. At the beginning, you panic. The first six or seven years of comedy,

ooh, do you fucking panic? But after a while, you learn how to make your face turn red. Like, I remember the first two or three or four years of comedy, my face turned red. That's it. I lost. Once your face turned reds in the audience sees, you lost.

Yeah. You know, there's so many, little things that you have to overcome, you know, the frustration. You know, I remember I still remember bombing at the comedy store in the very beginning. Like, I mean, crickets, bro. Really? Did you cry ever? No.

I cried the first time I bought. I never just fucking pulling my face down and going, what am I going to do? And somebody goes, just get off the stage, you know, that type of shit. Like, oh, my God. And if you address that person, then you're looking at an asshole. Yeah. I never knew how to get myself out of those binds. That's all experiences.

And the way that... You know those clubs I did last week of Wheeler Walker? Okay. Let me tell you something. That shit was work. What were you at? I did the Novo Theater, the Observatory in San Diego, the Observatory in Santa Ana,

and all three nights are work. Really? Yeah, it's not comedy. They're standing up, number one. Oh, so you can't do comedy for people standing up, okay? Number two. Because they're looking for a chair the whole time. They're just restless.

It just sucks. Even if they're fans of yours and they like your stuff. And half the people were good, but it was just bar room comedy. For years, people have been hitting me up clubs, hit me up once a month. Hey, man, come to our club. It's 100% of the door. It's a rock club in St. Louis. I wouldn't step foot in there to do comedy because it's hand-to-hand combat.

There's no security. There's nothing. It's you against the audience. Hand-to-hand combat. And there's always, you know, like the other night in Sacramento, the guy said Sticky Charlie 18 times. You know Saturday night a couple came with signs that said Wesley and sat at the sign of the audience. I want to thank Sacramento, the punchline in the city, for a great weekend last weekend. Those are great crowds.

I'm up there this weekend. I have some great. My life's in Sacramento. Okay. You know, it's a great fucking town for county. I love that town. They're on the foot. You guys are on point.

So if you came to the shows. at the punchline. I want to thank you personally. You guys are great. But Saturday night, this Mexican couple, Oh, they were Mexican, I was asking. They were black. Sat stayed side with signs that said Wesley.

Oh, I love it. I love it. That was, it was, like, I don't really go on the road with you that much. So my life is still pretty similar to what it was five years ago. It's a little different, but I don't really get to see it. And then when you went out to take pictures on a, Friday night after the late show, they just erupted when you can, when we came out. And it was just, it was so cool.

Jesus Christ, stop going on stars on me. It's time. There's Hanukkah. His eyes are shut. I just take three more. You know what I'm saying? Let's go. Keep going.

Keep going. It's like the zoo today. You're right? Not really. All right. Not really. Let your intestines do to work. You know what I'm saying?

You got pastolitos tonight that my main man brought you. So you can be here all night eating Cuban food. Yeah, I got a, I got a. You can fucking Uber some soap. Meat pies and potato balls. Forget about it. They're not going to fucking stop you. You know, I wanted to eat them on the way here.

You're going to fucking get up in the morning and go over to 24-hour fitness, jump up and down. Farts will be coming out of your asshole. Oh, Dad, I can't. Oh, my God. You're going deep tonight. How many you got left over there? One, but that one's going to take a minute. No, that's no minutes here.

I already ate 10. You're still over there on six. Maybe six. You've had like 18. We had those two. We had those gummies or marinos. Those were nothing. Those were free ones.

You guys went hard, dude. It's like weight watches. You get 43 action points and 42 workover points. I've never seen anything like this until tonight. No one doesn't. You guys said a record for sure. We don't fuck around. You guys don't.

There's no reason to fuck around, especially on the night before Hanukkah. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Congratulations. It's high on Hanukkah. We don't look at him. You must feel. He just jumped.

He just jumped. He thought it was the hand from Lutz up. How long have you been doing comedy now? When I got a divorce, so eight years ago. And how long have you been a first? a fan of it. My whole life. I mean, I grew up in the comedy club scene. So I never wanted to be a comedian when I was younger because it's like, you're like, oh, your dad does this. I don't want to be around. I don't want to do it. You know, I wanted to do my own thing. And I did. I opened up a cell

phone store. I did my own thing for a while. And then that went under. I got married, divorced, had a kid. And then I wanted to therapy because I was paying this high child support. And then my ex took my son up north and moved there and kidnapped them for like a year. So I took told my dad, I'm like, hey, I'm thinking dark shit. Like, I want to kill myself. I need therapy. I'm paying all these $1,100 a month. I'm, like, going crazy.

And my dad goes, are you crazy? You know how expensive therapies? Is it go on stage? Cry right now, on stage right now. So I went on stage that day, and it was Vinny, Damon Wayne Jr. And then they were coaching me, and I did it. And then I fell in love with it. And that's, that's it.

You know how much therapy is today? Yeah, it's like, go on stage. Here's a group on. It's interesting. How old did your dad have? have that club at the old location? We opened it in, when I was, one,

it was like in 86, 86. Wow. Yeah. And then at first it wasn't. It was a Swedish smorgish sport. Right. What is that? I don't know.

Some place you would go eat. That's why it's not there. Yeah. And he goes, you know Elvis came over here to eat here? Pancakes. Yeah. Yeah, I was going to tell you that there was a costume store next to the ha-ha. Yeah, nudies.

Neudies. Yeah. That had been there forever. Forever. Correct? Yeah. And I guess Liberace and everyone went over there. Everybody went over there.

Yeah. And they pink? But Elvis, the ha-ha, the guy used to have a room in the back where Elvis would sit and fucking eat at the back. Literally. Like 29 fucking pancakes. He'd go back there. These are smoish pancakes. I'm 227.

So it went from Ola. It was called a Swedish smorg. Then he went to Ola Amigos and then they changed it to Ellie Amigos and then they became Haa Cafe. And then it was a funny story It wasn't even gonna be a comedy club We just did karaoke and we had dancing That's it And then one night buddy Lewis and Kim Whitley

Walked in and go Hey do you guys do comedy here And my dad's like yeah comedy go And then he just did a night And then it boomed it went great And then it became a comedy club Overnight like boom Crazy by accident

So it was called a ha ha ha before there was comedy Yeah Because he goes I like to laugh And my dad says it's because my initials It's HAA HAA which is my legal name Hago Bacodorian Haryip's a mass adoring, but he just lied to me as a bullshit. It's funny because I had moved here in like 97, and I had done, I was a comedy store guy, and I did the improv during the week, and sometimes I do the laugh factory on Mondays.

Then the first people that ever come up to me one Christmas to do comedy at their club was the L.A. Cabaret. Do you remember the L.A. Cabaret is in Encino. Yeah, yeah, on Ventura, right? Amintura Boulevard. and then I've been there forever at Comedy Club right on Ventura there and I went up there one night it was fucking weird like

my life was weird I get off stage at the comedy store at one in the morning what the fuck you think I am I'm dirty the guy books me pays me he says I'll pay you a 75 bucks come up on a Thursday night I go up there

when I go out of stage the guy gives me the 75 bucks and he goes don't have a step foot in my club again that was the dirtiest thing I've ever heard and I go they laughed I go, and you booked me from the comedy club because I must have been drunk or something. I go, I don't know what I worry about it. And then I got to call maybe.

It must have been drunk. Yeah, something fucking weird. And then I got to call a year later. And it's Gilbert Escobo. Oh, shit. And he goes, do you know the Haha Cafe is? And I go, yeah, I used to live up there. Because for a while, I used to have a girlfriend

that lived in Studio City. And she showed it to me. She goes, there's a comedy club around the corner from where I live. And this is where Noah was nothing. It was just furniture stores And liquor stores And I went up there Gilbert booked me on a Saturday night

And I went up there And when I walked and I'm like This is a fucking mistake This was a mistake There was no doorman It was the late show And it was pure gang members From

What's up here? What's that sit? Van Nu Pekoma, San Fernando A little higher Yeah It was all gang members Because the kid told

me outside. No, bro, we're from Pekoyma or something like that. With Richie Vowland's Sylmar. Silmar. Yeah. And I'm like, these motherfuckers are getting people from fucking Silmar down here. I went up there and I said a joke, bro, and they turned on me.

Was it about Somer? No, it was just one of my jokes that you know, I've been doing for fucking months. And they turned on me and one guy started heckling and then another guy said, shut the fuck up. So when I got off your mom, until I started a war, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Up on the thing. And I go, it wasn't me. Yeah. She paid me. She goes, you never allowed in here. Okay. I'm like, what the fuck? Bad luck do I got?

That's it. I go, I never do a spot up in the valley again. I always have bad luck. And then there was another place that somebody booked a steakhouse in one of these fucking things. And supposedly you get a dinner. Yeah. And you do comedy and you get $25 or something like that. I never forget.

I forget it. Maybe, damn. card and maybe one of those fucking Adante somebody like that and the next thing you know we eat and they give us a bill and sure you know

you're a comic you order the 16 hours you're a fucking gobre the most expensive thing on the menu what do you want to order anything and I never forget that with the guy gave us to $50 and he gave us a check he gave us a bill for the steak and the four beers or whatever I didn't even drink that

And I was like, well, you said when you called, he goes, well, after you guys were on a steak, I changed my mind. What? And I was like, that's it. I got no reason to come to the fucking valley, no more. Two places told me I was dirty. One, I caused a riot at.

And the other guy don't want to fucking feed me the steak. He told me. And then as soon as I got old enough and that my parents were taking my advice, I knew all the stories about how my parents and, because when my parents, they know nothing about comedy. They don't know who was a comedian. They don't know the business. They were learning as they.

As a one of the world. But I was like listening to the comics and learning everything and I was like, yo, this is how it's done. I would go to the improv, I go to the Laugh Factory with a comedy star and just I would, before I was a comedian, I would learn, I wanted to run the ha-ha. And I learned everything. And that's how I feel like the ha ha has been doing a lot better. I do, I do say a lot. I put whisper stuff into. Well, no, no, you've turned it more into a comic environment now.

Yeah, I tell you. And then I started going up there because they used to give it to crazy people on Monday nights. Because your mother wasn't there. Yeah, yeah. Casey Armstrong. No. I remember. I started going after the Marino had it.

Mike Marino. On Monday nights. On Monday nights. And then Casey Armstrong had it. And that was just pure. Oh, my God. Chaos on Monday nights. Nice.

That was fucking chaos on Monday nights. And the only reason why it existed was because your mom wasn't there. Yeah. Like your mom was hidden somewhere. Yeah. They're like, don't come on Monday. Don't come on Monday nights. Go to Vegas.

fucking crazy, go to Vegas and shit. It was crazy. I remember. I wasn't even about... It was crazy. It was crazy. Dude, I heard stories about the waitress. They were just hooking up in the back, like nothing.

It was just a pew. I don't have them. And I wasn't old enough yet. Well, your dad had like one night a week that you wanted to have fun. Yeah, I was a sound guy. You see, Armstrong. I come up here with...

And then I would do, first I would do... Monday nights was my big night. I always love Monday nights. If you like comedy, if you like doing it, comedy i would like i used to have a goal of sets i'd do a week like 15 sets but i'd push out four on monday yeah like monday was my big night i could hit the store i could hit the laugh factory from latino night about 835 and then we'd get in the car and shoot up to universal city and pick up 40 bucks from

ernie g at the at room at room bumer room room that was my favorite i wasn't even older i would sneak in there On Monday nights, that was my favorite. And then from the Rumba Room, you could go to the, I don't know, no, no, no, no. From the Rumba Room, I would go to the store. And then I would, what if the other Monday night place I told you about on Mondays? You could, you could pop, you could have a good night on Mondays. There was a bunch of rooms back then, the Wild Coyotes. I remember that back then.

But that was Tuesday and Wednesdays. Tuesday and Wednesdays. Mondays, and this is weird if you're a comic, it's kind of weird that every night when you're first starting out, It's like if you're into music. When you're into music, Monday night you go here, Tuesday, Wednesday you go here. It's the same thing with comedy.

When you're a comic and you remember those names. Like I still remember my open mic week in Denver. It was at the Outback on Mondays, which was a fucking ugly bar in Boulder. Tuesdays I had the comedy works. Wednesdays I had Club 52. Thursdays I had, what's the Mexican George?

and across the Tonight Show that they just tore down. El Dorito. El Dorito. El Torito like a motherfucker. And when you're a starving comic and El Dorito would give you no money but they'd buy you dinner

and they'd give you a $25 dollar gift certificate. It's gold. So that meant that tomorrow you can come in for lunch with $5 dollar bill and eat your $25 dollars worth and have $5 dollar tip for the waitress. Yeah.

You know, or $10 tip for the waitress. I mean, that's how desperate you live. you live like that. It's still like that for the young comics. Oh, I love it. I love it. I did it's about the other night for $15. Yeah.

You got to go. You got to go. When they say it's gas money, it's under $15. This is what I'm going to do. I got to do surgery, right? I'm going to have surgery. And I can't go out with the tube sticking out of my ear because I don't want to look like my favorite Martian, number one. And number two, I'm with, you know, with comics, bro, they'll bump.

Somebody will slap me in the head. Yeah. It's good to see you and go to hug me. You can kiss me in the cheek or something. Like, it's the fucking godfather. And the next thing you know, I got a fucking tube in my head. I mean, you walk in the room, everyone goes, had their respect. No, so I give them a hug too.

So they said, listen, you can't do dick. But what I'm going to do is, because I went out with Leith, that fourth wall. I went over to the fourth wall one night and we both. And he goes over there all the time. Where's that? The fourth wall is an open mic next to a sushi place at the rating is a question mark. It's not even an A, B, C, and D. It's eat here on your own.

It's a question mark. But it's, it's, it's, it's, we've eaten there. You brought me there. Don't, don't put that on that. Brigh, I took them there one time. Burbank and Colfax. Oh, no. It's next to the 7-Eleven, next to the police station.

Come on, Burbank and Colfax. You go further down, you go to the 5-5-5, the strip club on. You know what I'm talking about Satticoe? I'm talking about Satticoi. You know what I'm talking about Satticoi and Recita? It's a strip club with the bar. Bro, about it. year ago, I had some buddies

in town from like, fucking Colorado, and they called me like, hey man, because they were staying up here. They stayed up here, and I saw them at the store, and they stayed in Burbank at that nice hotel in Burbank where all the firefighters stay, the real nice one off the Pass Avenue

and shit. And they called me one night. It's like, Joey, I don't mean to be rude. I know you're married, you know, but you don't need strip clubs in there. I go, listen, I don't know any, but hold on. I think you called me. And I called you. You called me. And I called you.

And I go, Jack June, I got these dudes. They're looking to get their fucking pole sucked. Bro. The next day they called me. They said both of those places was so bad. Did they? I'm sorry. They went to the one.

They ended up going to the one. Godfather and the Connoge Part? Which one? No. The one I like the dirt. It's horrible. But there's comedy fans there. Which one?

So if I go in there, I get to talk to the girls for a little while about comedy and shit. Yeah. The one on Laurel Canyon and Victory. Laurel Canyon and Victory. When you get off the one. Why, I didn't talk about the VIP. VIP. I worked there.

Did you? Yeah, that's right. Back to the back. I did that. I worked there. That place has always, there's times I go in, like, you know, you get off the 170, it's quarter to a lot. Yeah, yeah.

You see, it's open. I know my wife goes to bed at 930. I make a you turn. I go, let me walk in there. You walk in there, bro. It's, it's just a horror show. The girls are pretty. Yeah.

The girls are knockouts in there. It's just, it's, I mean, nothing. I mean, with the lights, they look, knockouts. When you go in there. The back room, forget about it. Bro, let me tell you so. I only went to, I think I went to the one in, uh, to pick up my ex-girlfriend on, La Sienega. Lassaniga, plan B?

No. No, no, La Sienegaa right off of Sondland. Oh, I know he's talking about. The one where I saw the dude who died, the fat dude who died. John Candy? No, who's the fat dude that, same vein. Uh, Chris Farley? Chris Farley.

That's why I saw Chris Farley. I saw him in when I went to pick her up, she goes, you're going to see this. But you don't want to get close to him. down there. It's like three foot rule. Yeah. What are you fucking kidding me? In Hollywood?

Yeah. So then up here that one time I made a U-Turber was close to Christmas, like, let me go in there. It's quarter to 11. Fucking nobody's around. I call Lili's with his girlfriend. Nobody's out. I'm like, what am I going to do? Go to Yum Yum Donuts.

I go to 7-Eleven and torture the guy. Or fucking, even the Ha-Haha's closed. The Haha closed at 10.30. So I made a U-Turn. I walked in there, bro. I paid that 18. 18 bucks to pack go in to come in yeah I paid the 18 to go in and then they charge you two drinks inside no no alcohol they don't sell alcohol which is another rare thing yeah but then i forgot if it's alcohol

they can't show you their pussy yeah it's just bikini pasties yeah no no their tits are out and everything some of those pussies you don't really want to see i was there for like seven minutes and i got i drank some water and i sat there and two fucking girls came and said hello it's not that they're type or not you get anxiety and as I was walking out, bro, I got in my car started, and the baddest blonde in there popped out. She goes, Uncle Joey, come back in. And I'm like, what?

And she goes, come back in. And another head popped out. Come in, come in. Come on. And I'm like, now are you guys? We watched the Jorgorgon podcast. We can't believe you're in here. Please come in.

Can we get? The one time I got a tremendous lap dance from a girl who said, and a boyfriend loves the show. And then I say, I brought a boyfriend. Bro, she came up to her. My boyfriend loves the show. She goes, my boyfriend wants me to do this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I totally. She didn't talk to me the whole night. Very hot, very gorgeous, whatever. Then at the end of the night, she came on the way, I just talked to my boyfriend. He said to give you the best dance I could give you. I said, okay. I went in my pocket.

I think I had like $75. So I would just give her, I give it there as a tip. So I took it out. She goes, no, no, no, no. My boyfriend is going to give me money telling that when I, get home. He told me to give you a special one. Next, I know she's fucking completely naked. I'm sitting there

turning purple. I'm a 54 year old guy, I can't handle that shit. And I said, I think I went back one other time and though she went. And then another girl came up to me. How long it was this? I went up there the night George Perez, I made, did the spot it. One night I went to your club

and you guys were going out afterward. So I called George and he goes, I think these guys want to go to those trip club. I go, tell him to go up by Laurel Canyon. And I think I even did go up there with George. Yeah? Yeah, I think I even did go up there with George. That's great.

I haven't gone there a long time because... It was dead that night too. One of the dancers I knew over there, her boyfriend got shot on the face in front of the club. It was like a couple years ago, so I haven't been back since. Really? Yeah. Crazy. Like...

There's a pool hall next to it. I don't know what happened, but in the parking lot, in that big parking lot... Yeah, the guy went, tapped him on his shoulder, went, pah, shot him in the face and instantly dead. I was like... Yeah, I always parked in the front. I don't know. I don't know nothing in Van Nuys. I know I shot a movie one time, a TV short,

the other strip club. Larry, that's with clothes on or something. Which one? The one on Lancash, I'm up a little north. Oh, yeah, I know. That's dirty. Yeah. Dirty.

That's like, I never talking about. I think I shot there. Yeah, yeah. I shot in a couple strip clubs in my day. You have that effect on women. I told you I was at the gym, and this woman in this class came up to me and said, my ex-boyfriend loves your show.

And be sure to tell Uncle Joey that I watched my monkey this morning. Absolutely. That's a beautiful thing. They got to watch that monkey in the morning. You can't be at Starbucks with a little nest in the back of your head because that lets me know that that fucking... Your little monkey smells like a condom. He still didn't watch it for the night before.

And those condoms got that fucking monkey glue on them and that grows. And the next thing you know, you got a fucking tree growing in your fucking cockoosa. You know what I'm saying? It smells like a condom. What are those? What was the last time you used it condoly? over four years I forgot

I don't like it I don't like it I was doing coke you don't care what your dick goes into yeah right it comes out it doesn't really matter you just take your chances

yeah you're like I'm already poisoning my body Dean Delray has a joke about did you wear a condom nah she seemed cool you know listen it's it's a fucking crap you know I mean

last time I had like I was crazy I thought I was young that I was a number and I made some mistakes I know I scratched a few times but I think my own fucking immune system got rid of a few diseases I caught on the road What was itchy?

Everything you know Sometimes your neck Sometimes you know Everything Well I was on the road Those years bro You know 90 even when I dated Carol

Carola was a great lady and stuff But let's face it she had threesomes in college. You know, you had to check yourself every. She was a stripper dog. Right. She was the worst of the worst. So God knows what I got from her, you know?

Great person. That's an uncomfortable feeling when you go get checked, though, and the doctors are grabbing and dick. I'm always scared to get the worst. You ever been checked? Fuck, I mean, I get blood tests and shit like that. One time I gave a blood test and they told me had syphilis. Oh, shit.

And I'm like, it can't because I've been with my wife for 10 years. you know so that's wrong I heard you get it from like a toilet though and I went and then they said no it was a mistake oh oh that was the only time before we had the baby yeah before I had the baby I had to take a drug

to see if the baby had something but no it was a mistake there's no fucking syphilitis I just recently got a life insurance from my you know my kid and I did a whole full test and I was like nervous like I drink I have fun you know

And then they're like, oh my God, you qualified for the highest, you're perfect. And I was like, really? I was like, I'm like, you're lying. How old are you now? 32. Yeah, so you're young. Just don't smoke. Yeah.

But it was, I was like surprised. I'm like, oh, thank you. Like, yeah. Yeah. And I'm happy. How old is your son now? He's eight. He still lives up there?

He lives up north. I'm going to see him this weekend for Christmas play. You got beef with the wife? No, no, we're good now. Originally we had beef and then I kept losing every time, you know. And I was like, let's be friends and we became cool and we're good now. It's great. We're actually really good.

Like, I'm happy for her and her dude. She's remarried as a kid. Amazing. It's the best. The best thing. When your ex moves on, it's, it's, why get jealous? Go, leave. It's like, I'm so happy for her, you know.

And we're friends now. We're good. Better than ever. I told her, I said, Oscar is the best. thing that happened to us, you know, like, we're good, you know what I'm saying? And you're an uncle, right? Your sister in Chicago had the kid.

Yeah, my sister had a kid. I'm an uncle. How fucked up is that? It's crazy. I go to Chicago one day. Check into a hotel. A little hotel downtown. No big deal. Get on the elevator.

Elevator opens up. I look at your sister. Really? On the fourth floor. She goes, what are you doing here? I don't know what the fuck are you doing here. What was you doing there? She goes, I'm here visiting my boyfriend.

the weekend. No way. This had to be three. I can't be didn't tell me this. This is way before. I could have prevented the pregnancy. No, no. This was way before she got pregnant. Oh, way? Yeah, I saw on the fourth floor and she goes where you perform me? And I go like what's zanis? And she goes, close. Take her around the corner. I go, but stop.

You know, you live around comedy. The last thing you go see is a fucking comedy. Yeah, yeah. Now, she actually really enjoys it. She doesn't live. She didn't put the time I put in. No, but when you live in it, when you're in it at four nights a week and guys are hitting on you and comics are being cute around you,

it gets fucking old. So I just told, I'm around the corner, but you don't want to fucking show up there. You're fun. You change it up every time. No, no, no, no, I just didn't want it. No, I don't want it. It felt like she had to go any fucking crazy.

Yeah, I saw her in the hotel. She was alone. She was alone. It wasn't like she was with a guy. She was alone. And she's married as a kid. Yeah. in Chicago.

She left everything here and went over there and she's happy. It's how fast, you know, there's a lot of young kids that listen to this podcast and I try to tell them

that your life could change in a fucking blink of an eye. Yeah, she left her family, everything. For the better or for the worse? You know, for the better or for the worse, you know,

it's, it's, like when I leave the house, I'm really appreciative because I had one of those days when I left the house when I came back, the cops were looking for me

for the felony. so you learn that every day could be something completely fucking different when you leave the house you might go to the corner and a guy runs a red light

and he pulls a gun and he doesn't shoot you but he's having a bad day you never know you never fucking know man that's why your day always has to be planned your roots

your escapes now yeah I'm always looking back every time I walk around yeah me too I paid so much fucking attention and it's not even because of terrorism or whatever it's something that i picked up growing up as a kid in new york city yeah i pay attention

to everybody when i'm walking on the street yeah i'm looking at that bung but i'm also looking at why that guy is standing on the corner i'm not attentive to him he doesn't know i'm watching him but i'm watching that motherfucker you know that's how i was in london two weeks ago i went to london and when i was there i was like a military i was in my girl and i was walking but i walked behind me like i was just like on point no matter what i wouldn't i wouldn't i wouldn't fucking go to Paris right now. That's the capital of fucking blowing shit up. That's New York. What happened

in New York today? I know. And you know, the other than I'm on stage, goofing around. And I'm not goofing around. They're not going to stop until they blow up fucking New York. Something fucking stupid. I am so scared of New York.

What's the matter with the soda? You're looking at it like somebody poisoned this fucking soda? I just... No, I'm cool. You're looking at the soda? Like, Jesus, I wish I had two Coca-Cola's right. Two Coke zeros, hell yeah. But you could tell, I don't know if you've been to New York lately.

Lee, I don't know if you've been to New York lately. I haven't been in years. You know, two weeks ago they tried to blow it up. Today they did. Today they did. You know how many times I was in that fucking poor authority? You know, that guy wore the bomb on the fucking train. Listen, Lee, I love you, and I love being fucking active, and I love all that shit.

I did my trains. I did my A-trains already. I did as many as I'm going to do with my life. life. The A train runs north and south on Broadway, and they have the A Express and the A regular with stops. That's the one you take when you want to do the comedy clubs in New York, unless you want to go to the East Village or... Yeah. But that's the one that stops close to Carolines and all that, and you can walk or take it. So I'm an A-Train guy, and whatever went to the Yankee Stadium, I forget that one, and whatever with the Chay Stadium, those, I took enough trains. So now

that guy had the thing on and the train. Then he went to Port Authority. You know what Port Authority is like on a Monday morning at 8 o'clock in the morning, bro? Oh, my God. There's buses coming from all over, New Jersey, the Bronx, Brooklyn Trains Landing, downstairs. That's complete fucking chaos. Taxes, cars. Taxes, cars, hot dog stands.

You know how many times I walked out of those doors? When I saw that today, because I saw it at 4.30 in the morning when I got up, it already happened. Yeah. I called my niece. She was going to work. I know she goes to work over there. The phones wouldn't go through. I finally got a hold of her at about 11.

And she told me that she was just in the Lincoln Tunnel when it went down. So, no, no, no. If you live in New York, dog, keep your fucking eyes open, be very vigilant because this is the season when those. I don't know the backstory. I haven't been home all day.

I was busy all fucking day. but just to let you know that that shit just petrifies the shit out of me when it happens and now in today's world you motherfuckers and I've said this a thousand times with your phones out in the daytime walking around not paying attention

listen I took everything I got Twitter on the phone and Mike and the real important hot mail the old hotmail the one I give to fucking the agents and shit everything else I could care less what's on Facebook when I travel I don't even take Facebook with me. I don't bring a computer no more.

Right. I bring the iPad and I don't put social media. People are just walking, looking down. Yeah, looking down. I pay attention to everything. I don't give a fuck. In today's world, you have to, man. And you're traveling a lot now, correct? Yeah. Two or three weeks a month? At least. You know, I'm already booking

my calendar for next year. I got a couple dates doing good, you know? Who's doing New Year's at your dad's club? I don't know. No, yeah. It's still open? Yeah. Jesus Christ. I'm not going to be there. I'm in Vegas that week. Are you really? I'm at the LA Comedy Club.

With Edward? No, me and Adam Hunter. Okay, good. And then I'm headlining on one show on Saturday at 3 o'clock, like an early show, happy hour show. And the afternoon? Yeah. I'm going to give a shit. I want to pass out a group on day long.

I saw you on Instagram, a month or two ago in Vegas. You picked up a show from a show for a copse or something. Yeah, yeah. I was in Reno and I was performing at the laugh factory. And then this whole front row was just, hey. tackling me and we're going back and forth back and forth and it was a great show at the end of the show they go hey just to let you know we're not truck drivers we're cops and i said fuck you they're like no we're really cops i said get the fuck i thought they were just drunk they all pull out their badge like at the same time and that we're not even cops were detectives and i said holy shit are you guys serving me again i'm like i was like scared

and they're like no we're here for a convention and then they go do you want a party i'm like fuck yeah we i went to their hotel We're freaking drinking all night And then they had me perform for the whole convention For like 800 people for 800 cops And I did it, they gave me a plaque It was one of the best experiences ever A fucking plaque And you're gonna snort coke off in two weeks

Next time you have a party of your house We're gonna snort coke off the plaque I got a couple plaques in my day too God knows what the fuck they are Once the coat gets stuck In the letter You get pissed off And this shit

You're like, God damn it They used to be mirrors In the 80s that had designs on it Yeah Especially if you have a friend in prison That's what they send you What? If you have a friend that's in prison

That's what they send you for prison It's a mirror that you could see yourself with But at the same time There's a design or something So let's say you really like that album cover The Sabin Bloody Sabin With the skulls and shit They'll put that in the mirror

Oh, yeah, yeah. So one year, somebody sent me one. He was in prison, and that was his gift to me. And I'm living in snow. I just love that concept. I think he was in county jail. It took him eight years than me. No, no, no, no, no.

I lived in Snowmass, and he had done something. He had been in county for like 90 days, and I put money on his books. And that Christmas, he sent me this fucking mirror. and I held on to that mirror for two years. I didn't know why, but between you and I, I knew eventually I was going to get the snort coke off this mirror. Right? Like, he gave it to me like in, I don't know, maybe fucking 80.

I thought you could have done that the first night, Joey. No, he gave it, listen to how crazy this is. He gave me the mirror. He was doing time in 83. I helped him out, and then, like, that Christmas, I got like a box at the fucking, door and it's him from county jail it's like a mirror i forget who the fuck was on the thing anyway i give it to i leave it in my room i moved to new york my buddy puts it all in the box and when i

come back years later he gives me the box so i move into my new place in snowmast village and sure enough when i see that fucking mirror i couldn't find a good good mirror and i saw that mirror and me the asshole. I had red colors in it and shit. And I took the Coke and I flipped it over on the mirror and I started chopping it up. And the next thing you know, you know, you moved the coke around. The ink from the

rain started mixing it with the Coke. He's probably using like berries for paint or something. Let me tell you something. If you don't think I snorted that pink coat, you better check yourself. I started the ink, the fucking glue. You blew your nose and he opened up and it was the picture. I'll never forget that. The next day I looked at it.

I'm like, I don't know if I should go to the hospital or go to the doctor and tell them the truth of what happened because it was gone. Have you done that before? No. You don't tell them the truth? No, no. I never went to a hospital.

Listen, bro. God go on. God forbid for a drug-related thing. Never. Ever. I came close two times. I'm not going to lie to you. But you can't fucking go unless you're on your last fucking ticker.

Can you how much? Unless this phone comes out of your mouth. That's the only way I'm putting you in the trunk and drink. How many cold kids are at the doctor and I'm like, the fires are giving me allergies? No, let me tell you something, my friend. Fucking, I had friends that had to go to the hospital. You know, when you go home at night, you're coming down, you get that eurythmi and your heart, that fucking heartbeat and it gets away from me. And that's a scary feeling.

They would down 9-1-1 on themselves. I would fucking lay in bed until it just went away. Yeah. I would suck on an orange peel and fuck. And hopefully that that thing would make my heart stop racing and knock on wood guys. I mean, I'm not proud of it because you're born with just so many heartbeats. That cocaine takes years off your life. It's like cat years.

I'm really fucking, I'm 54, but I'm like 98 cat years right now and shit. Well, you got a lot of knowledge. Well, the knowledge was from some great stories. Bro, the knowledge was from the fucking mistakes. I mean, it's crazy that I started snorting coke. It's 1979 and I stopped in 1987. You really got to think about that. I was two.

I wasn't born until 88. Oh, my God. So what is that? 79 to 80 to 2007 is what, Lee? Yeah. 28 years? That's a long fucking time of making mistakes. that's a long time plus that's a lot of party that's a lot of hotel rooms that's a lot of

listen to people's stories that's a lot of telling people stories a lot of secrets ideas a lot of secrets and uh no i have nothing to be ashamed of i don't judge anybody who does it i don't give a fuck anymore i mean you know people are going to do it people are going to do whatever they do until one day they decide no rehab we've all had to have we've all had to friends that went to six rehabs and nothing happened. Yeah, they just take a break. And one day, guess what, they meet a girl? And three months later, the girl

made you. You got to meet someone to change you. I know there's people on Facebook. I could tell. I could tell people that talk to me on Twitter. I can tell people talk to me on Facebook that I know when they're on drugs. I can tell there's a lot of people go to the church website.

Don't check the church web, the Facebook page. and they're doing what they're doing I would never fucking judge them at all I don't give a fuck I'm happy from I hope they're having a good time if you're gonna do it do it I want you to do a Pablo Escobar style

So if you did it strong for 28 years How many years were you having a good time Out of those 28 years I had a good time for 18 of those years Plus it put me in prison Plus it made me Change addresses 80 fucking times, you know,

you just become a slave to the fucking game. But you see it now. And like I said, I can't tell somebody what the fuck to do. I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell nobody what to do. But because I know that you'll wake up one day and go,

last night, that was it. Whether it's pills, whether it's cocaine, whether it's whatever that shit that's fucking fucking your whole life up, you're going to wake up one day and go, you know what? What if I wake up tomorrow and go, that's it, I'm not smoking weed no more. And I know I'm going to come to you guys in a year and go, you know what? Let me tell you what's gotten better since I haven't smoked wheat.

You don't think I know that, people? But I know it's the last fucking addiction. It's the last temptation of Christ. If I give up weed, I give up everything. I got nothing. I change completely. I'm holding out of dear life just so I can be a bad person. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. This is the only thing I still do that makes me feel like I'm doing something against them. Sure. Sure. Sure, because I'm a fucking professional. Am I proud of it? No. But again, over the years, that's what you can't.

Whatever you're living through right now, you cannot. Bro, come on. You want me to tell you, I mean, you've been doing comedy eight years. You know, you're starting to see a little bit of success. you know what comedy does to your head at the 12-13 year mark especially when you started with people and they've already gone to Montreal and they're making money and you're still a little stuck

it messes with your head totally so you know I'm not saying that I had any right to do drugs or anything I was doing at the time I'm not saying that at all it's just heavy it's a heavy burden to carry yeah you know I have nothing against people who work a 9 to 5 job But you have a 9 to 5 job. You know, on the first, we all start from zero. You know, you start all over again.

The process starts all over again. Hey, what are you doing, Jack Jr.? Yeah. You got anything this month? Yeah, call me next week. Yeah. Okay. Hey, how you doing?

Jack Jr.? Let me send you an email and give you my avails. Hey, hey, how are you doing? You're going to swing by my mom's this month to do us by you? What about that room up in Oregon? You still got it for the small 850. You know, every fucking month on the first. and whether you're, again, any job that you have that you're on commission

or you're an owner of a job if you listen to the show, you know what I'm talking about. It never ends. Never. The fucking grind never ends. And for a comedian, think about having to do that grind and then happen to go in front of the stage at night. Yeah.

That's just part of the fucking grind. And yeah, you're talking, Joey, what's the grind consist of? How bad you want it. You know, I used to snort until 3.30 at the store, and then go to a place in Hollywood Boulevard and sell screws and nails on the phone. So we had to start at fucking 4.30 because that's 7.30 New York City time.

So you want to catch the contractors walking in. And that's the first time. I used to send faxes out to people. So Monday at 4.30, when I get there in the morning, I would send faxes to your mom, the comedy store, the laugh factory in those days, the improv. and then you started abroad

creative entertainment Dana and Don McGraw whatever Dave Tribble now you look at me going Joey who's David Tribble is a guy who books the Pacific Northwest this guy wouldn't even take my calls but I still got his faxing numbers still sent them faxes

you think that they yeah yeah you email it didn't matter every Monday if you were a booker you got a fax from me so if you're a Thanksgiving If you're a comic right now, this is a fucking free tip from your uncle Joey. Do you put a note on top or something? No, let's pretend.

Let's pretend. Jack is my buddy. Okay, Jack is my, I go to Jack's club, and I go up there on Sundays, and I go up there on Tuesdays. I go up there on all the off nights. I don't bother Jack on Friday and Saturday, and I go up there and I stick to my light, and I do 10 minutes of one-night Jack gets in a bind.

Joey Dears doesn't show up. So Jack tells me, to stretch and do 20 and I do and I got a pretty good fucking 20 to be honest with you I mean Jack isn't lying the audience is not lying I'm not dirty I'm a little on the clean side you know at the end

of that I'll go Jack bro anybody you could hook me up with and bro you start getting these things and I'll call you Lee and go hi Lee Syatt how you doing Jack I said during told me to give you a call or you one of Jack's friends give me a call in about a month and a half

maybe I'll have a feature spot for you leave me your number, you know, and then they don't call you back, or, you know, Rudy Moreno, he's a great guy. When I got to town, everybody told me, Rudy Marina was the room you got to get in with.

I called them four times. You never called me back. Guess what I did? I showed up in his room like Don Corleoneone. Yeah. And pulled him aside, I go, bro, what the fuck? You don't call me back.

Oh, I've been busy. Well, let me get a guest spot. And he put you up. And they put me up. And that's how me and Rudy started a relationship. That's a good story. When it comes to comedy, you have to do things that are not unsavory,

but you have to be extra business-like. So what I would do is if Jack told me that Lee and I'll give you some names, Lee, Theo Vaughn, and Saratiana booked rooms, I wouldn't even call you, motherfuckers. I would start sending you emails every week for about three weeks for you to look at and go, Joey Diaz, what the fuck is joey d is and again

and again and again and again and I would send you the whole month of December and January and I'd make up dates that were important like I'm in fucking punchline San Francisco I never been to San Francisco what fucking punchline you know what I'm saying I'm here I would put clubs that he wouldn't find out

because they're a C room anyway there are C room anyway I mean I would double check for sure that this person didn't have contacts before I started dropping names That's the quickest way You're like fake clubs You can just say casino

I'm doing a casino over here in the Midwest Let's pretend Let's pretend I was doing a guest set At the ha ha ha For Maz Gibrani All right I would say

How you doing that day I put opening For Maz Jabrani I'm not lying Yeah But I'm not really telling the truth Yeah, yeah. Do you see what I'm saying? I have done that.

You know, have you ever, you ever go, anybody here ever go to a comedy show? And the comics, the emcee says, coming to the stage, this guy's been seen in Game of Thrones. And all of a sudden,

you watch the fucking guy on stage, and you're like, I've seen all the Game of Thrones, three episodes a ton, ten times apiece, and I've never seen this motherfucker. And after the show, you'll get up and go up to him

and go, excuse me, during the little fucking interlude that you said that you were in Game of Thrones not for nothing I did 18 episodes I saw 18 episodes who the fuck were you and they'll tell you well what really happened was I did the episode

but I got cut I got cut because my hair was longer and a producer didn't like me well then you didn't really do the episode yes he did yes he did if you go on my MDB there's nothing about Bronx County shooting that pilot. I shot that pilot. There's nothing about like two other

NBC shows. If I put them down and you question me, you're not going to catch me with my pants on. It's not when I was looking for a job. When I was looking for a regular job, everything I put on a resume was a lie. Oh my God. You know, I used to put this, this, I'm not going to say who they are. A friend of mine worked there and he was like an assistant manager. So I would put down that I worked there. I would call him and go, what did you work there? And he'd tell him, oh, from like February of 86 to March of 87. So I would put his name down.

Like I would put Joey Diaz but worked for manager, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I'd fucked them up. Like they would call and they'd go, did Joey Diaz worked there from February? And the guy would go, no, we never had a Joey Diaz here. He said he worked for Jack Jr. We got a Jack Jr. here. Huh, that's weird.

How can he say? You know what I'm saying? So I throw them off. So sometimes they think about it and go, yeah, give him the job. Like sometimes they call me up and go, well, they said they didn't know who you were at this place. They said you didn't know who you were at this place.

I didn't really give a fuck, man. When you're trying to get a job, you got to do what you got to do. If they catch you with your pant down, then you're not going to get the job. You got to have coverage. Yeah. I did it on a commercial audition.

Vinny was going in for the audition and I was with them, and I went and I just signed in. and then like, oh, who are you here? We don't have you on the list. I said, well, the guy told me to come, and I made the whole thing. He's like, all right, blah, blah, blah. And then I got to call that, but I didn't get it.

But you got to take chances like that, though. Oh, no, I've cratt and tea in the old days you could crash auditions. That was the name of the game. You know how many fucking auditions? I crashed the longest yard. Hmm? I crashed the longest yard. I crashed American gangster.

There's a bunch of movies I booked because I crashed. I crashed. You know how? There was a time. I didn't have a commercial agent. And one day I called Darii, they go, I already do me a big favor, I need $200. And he goes,

I'm not going to be in Hollywood until about like three. And I wasn't doing Coke tonight. I just got into a spot on a Friday. I need $200 bucks. He goes, well, I'm not at 200 South LaBray. I met the other one. I met South LaBre doing an audition. If you live in the L.A. or the L.A. area,

whenever you audition for, what used to be a commercial. The big ones are Santa Monica, Ocean Drive. I go there still. And then the one up here on Ventura Boulevard. And then the one on over a petco. I would have loved to go because I would go and sign a cat food and cat toys and shit. But then there's one down more.

Ari said to meet him there. So when I get there to take the money, Ari goes, by the way, they're seeing mobsters in that room. And I go, what? I want up and sign my name saying things. She came over. And she goes, Jose Diaz. I don't see your name on here.

I go, yeah, they called it down. She goes, who you with? I go, all right, who you went? Aqua, Aqua. And they go, all right, go, and bam, I booked the commercials. I showed up on an envelope, Aqua signed me, and that's how you do it. You know what I'm saying?

Nice and easy. Where's Tony Better, cucksucker? I want to be around to pick up the pieces. Many more stars are we got La E. I've finished it. Oh shit. Somebody twice as smart

as I A somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me Let me Let me get some shoutouts real quick.

First off to my main man, Gordon Warnock, coming up and supporting all weekend long and bringing me a beautiful album. My girl, Jennifer Jones, made three times of banana bread, which Lee were delicious, the one with the walnuts. I love walnuts. She made chocolate chip banana bread. Oh. Wait, I didn't get any? No, you get dick. You left.

You had to drive. And then I opened up a thing, and she sent the wallet from my daughter, so she's beautiful. Colin Sack note, Hubster, you know, I love you, Bob Becky, Olive, whatever your name is, Tim Purcell, Kevin Gilbert,

Brandy Lynn Gibbons, my girl, Jeremy Slathgoth, Bitfoo, and my man, Jeffrey Collins, always causing problems on motherfucking

on Twitter today, you know what I'm saying, telling people, I don't know, something's about fucking Denver and no fucking reef. So you're in, this is what you want to do,

you're the end, fucking club if something happens nobody could raise their hand you bit slap everybody you know what I'm saying it's Game of Thrones It's Game of Thrones I got two sisters I'm gonna take care of them you guys relax It's a weird thing on the comedy club

Isn't it now on the other side of the fucking coin Yeah And to see I'll never forget man And I still think about him You know when I moved to the valley The ha ha was right around the corner You guys were having a phenomenal

phenomenal time in there. I gotta tell you that, that was the first time ever that I was sober, that you guys made me laugh because I knew exactly what you were doing. I remember that. You, Rico and poor Diacostino, who I love with all my heart. So funny. And it was something to watch you three every night. And then the other crazy, fuck Vinnie. Yeah. You know, I'm a 50-year-old guy. My daughter, my wife just had a daughter. You know, we just had a baby. We were living in the valley, maybe two years. I enjoyed that. the valley and I would call over there from time to time and go down there and I would just sit and watch and you would always be a gentleman and offer me something like your dad but gonna you want to you want to eat the water metholine your dad loves his fucking fruit late night and I would watch you four guys and it was like being for me and it made me a good you know I prepped for the gabrie glaces show at your club I just told you I Just, you know, just count on me to show up late because the taco stamp was on the corner.

Yeah. So, come on. You know. At Skinnies, right? Huh? At Skinnies, at Skinny's, right? At Skinny's, right? Yeah, at Skinny's, the taco stand was across the corner.

So I didn't have the comedy store in those days. I basically sat home my wife on Fridays and Saturdays and watched TV. What, you know, your mother said, listen, as long as he's dirty, he has to be on last on Fridays and Saturday. She still like that. So I said, fuck it, fine. So I would go down there.

go last to 15, 20 minutes, and then go get fucking four tacos and the hot dog with fucking bacon on it. You know? But it was just inspiring to me like I was going

to whatever the fuck I was going through. I was becoming a dad. But watching you four fucking no you weren't. Watching you four idiots because that's exactly I remember being one of you guys and you're an idiot. We were idiots.

You know what I remember? You said Oh shit, Jack Jr. chain smoking. I'll go to one. Oh, shit. I would see you. Because I knew what time it was as soon as I walk in. Dude, when you said the funny thing, I'll repeat it. You're like, oh, shit, one eye on the tip jar, one out on the register, halfway home.

Make the call. Forget about it. Like, I got one eye on the tip jar and one on the register. Dude, we still say that till this day. It's so funny. Oh, my God. Because, you know, I worked at a bar. Yeah.

There is nothing like the most frustrated. Like my mother was a genius. My mother was a genius because my mother knew from nine to three that's your business. If you don't want to cry, if you want to save yourself millions of dollars

and anguish and aggravation, Lee Syed, if you ever buy a bar, make me a promise that until the night you sell it, you're there from nine to close because if not, they're just going to rob you.

Listen, they're just going to rob you. They're just going to rob you. So this day, Till this day, I don't know. Those years that I was doing coke and drinking, you know, before we turned the podcast on, I was talking to Jack Jr., and I told Jack was at the store one night,

and I was telling Jack, I pulled the moment. And I go, Jack, I'm not accusing you of anything. But do me a favor, whatever you do, don't do cocaine down here, because once the word gets out, these people use it as a weapon against you, even if they do it with you. They'll do it with you.

They'll do it with you. They'll come to you, and go, where can we get it? And then three days later, you'll hear from a manager, listen, don't come up here no more. What's his name said, you sold him cocaine? You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? So, you know, it's because I had experience up there.

I used to go up there for $5, Lee. And I would, there were some nights where I had no choice but to stay up there because my girlfriend was waitressing. So I would stay up there, and I'd be drinking those. rum and coax, you know, if I was taking drinking 10 and 12 of them, what do you think Jack's drinking? What do you think you're drinking?

How's that bar making a profit? Yeah, nobody. Nobody. Nobody. I saw people destroy bars. When I worked at Tom and Corkeys, when I worked at Tom and Corkeys, when I used to hang out of Tom and Corkies when it became

Gregory's 7-day weekend, you know, he wouldn't come in on Monday nights. It still made money. There was a $2. Bluebird special. The cans of Bluebird Armaged juice with vodka. $2 a piece.

Fucking tremendous, Jack, Jr. We go in there with a fucking ape ball on a Monday night to watch Monday night football. Dude, when I used to DJ at the strip club, the manager trusted me like crazy. He'd leave for like an hour. The Russian dude never came back. And I would be in charge.

I would literally tell the girls, just go tell all the customers you're going to have sex with them. And then when they take their pants down, just signal me with your hand and I'll raid the room. I'm like, what the hell are you guys doing? And we'd rob these fucking customers. We literally like five, six, eight, like, we make so much money for that hour when the manager wasn't there. God damn. And then we split it.

Like, we literally like, I'm like, you want to go to jail? You want to go home? Give me your fucking money. And we just take their money. This is on Sepulveda. We tell you some, that's a scary business. Yeah. Because those are coke fiends that are going

Those are demented people late night They were out there trying to cheat on their Wife trying to get a blow job And they're just there with their ankles Their dicks out like That is fucking crazy And with the flashlight with a big maglite That big ass one

And I would just boom Come in there with my armin ass You were so You know You hear all these stories About all these places On Lancasham in the valley Where there's like runaways

And fucking and there's a place from ban eyes. They're all Cuban chicks that are hot and shit. Bro, my biggest fear is going into one of those places. They got you. They got you. You don't think they're illegal to those people? They're not stupid.

They got cameras somewhere. Because one night, guess what? Brad Pitt is going to want a piece of ass one night. He's going to walk in that little fucked up. And they got him. But a month from now, he gets a letter. And they want 80,000 fucking fucking fucking. for the fucking tape.

You don't know, but this is how you have to assume people think. Yeah. There's crazy fucking people out there. Yeah. You know, strip clubs are a crazy fucking business. I don't like them. Like, for a guy like me, people look at me and go, this motherfucker goes strip club four nights a week. Yeah.

I was never a strip club guy because I used to go to the best strip club when I was 16. They stuck a banana up their pussy. once you see a banana And the second best place is Toronto Canada Yeah There's nothing like a strip club Do you go to Toronto You put coins that are

No you could bite their puberty I kept biting her pubicator She kept putting her monkey in my face And on the way back I worked the pubic cans And she'd go ah Yeah I'm a savage

You know me I mean I don't go to shook with that all anymore Because I work there I know what's up Yeah you know the girl's like Oh my God Can you see my tampon Can you hide it like

Oh the string Can you babe when I go on stage Can you put like bright lights like a red lights no black lights because my stretch marks like i know like all the secrets so there's no fantasy it's not hot to me now i go there it's like ugh it's like these bitches are just disgusting before i left seattle one of the best jokes ever wrote was something about this is why i mean filippe espazza till this day whenever on stage at some point in the night Felipe will always yell

Tampont, fool. Because I used to say a joke when I first moved down here. I was having sex with my girlfriend last week. And I was going down there from behind. Next, you know, I saw that little string. I didn't know whether to pull it

or light it. That was my joke. And Felipe used to love it. That was one of the nastiest jokes I ever said. I used to go, I didn't know whether to put it or light it. So I lit it. You know? And then that was it.

That was my like comedy store joke, you know. So for years, Felipe were to have any time, pull the camp on fool. And guess what? The other night I did it in Sacramento off the cuff. I haven't done it in 20 fucking years. And the other night, it came to me when I was on stage. It was those alpha brains I took with the T.HC fucking stars that night.

Go, I ate two, I ate like 10 stars. and two of a whim between shows. On a whim between shows. And when I went up there for the second show, I was in a different planet. At the 40-minute mark, when they gave me the first light, was the first time I came to consciousness. And I started getting anxiety attack

and I had to tell the audience, let me tell you what's going on. Let me just stand here for a minute. And they thought I was fucking around, but I really wasn't. And then I had another 20 minutes left to me. The alpha brains kicked in, and I fucking just laid it on them. I'm illegal, and Jesus Christ, that was a CD right there.

I was talking about, I don't know what happened. Sometimes you go on and say, and the other thing was it was the fucking end to a, I had done eight shows that week. I did three shows opening up for Wheeler Walker. And guys, you know what? I do two weeks a month. I like to work out during a week. And I never took a break after the special.

That's what fucking kids. killed me. That's lesson number fucking one. Yeah. And I didn't listen to myself and I kind of went to New York. So as I shot that special I should have gone home for 60

days. For two or three weeks. Just get your bearings back. Lose all that material. Lose it mentally, lose it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. The material I was doing till Saturday night out of that I got 10 minutes because by the time

I come back, then I'm going to remember Harvey. You know what I'm saying? I lost all that. I have a feeling Harvey's going to be in the news for a while. But we'll still work something around the other thing. We talk that thing. And I still got a couple things I'm working with. But I wanted to take this time off. It clears your mind, a bad habits. When we work a lot, we pick up bad habits. We get good. We get solid, but we're not HBO solid. See, we get really good in one direction if you're shooting a special, if you're preparing for something. But if you're just going on the road and trying to put together 15 minutes every

week and switching it up so you're always fresh with a club owner and the waitstap goes, bro, that guy comes in here with four different sets. You know, if you do that type of shit, then, uh, who are we talking about? Fucking stone.

If you, when you're doing it for a while, you get good, but it's not always the right hand. You pick up bad happen. Yeah. You'll say something during your set, you know, and that's why like I get out go you start going to your to go jokes yeah I want to get rid of the to go jokes

yeah and when you do those jokes and they don't do well and then you're like stuck like oh shit okay we all have to go jokes which are jokes that we go to that are 90% they take you right there to 90% it's like slam dunking you know when you don't

when you start going to those early on you're starting to burn out shit's going I'll never burn it on comedy. I love it too much. Yeah. I'm just trying to get ready for 2018.

You know what I'm saying? Let me get the surgery done. Let me take this little breather here. You know what I'm saying? I can't take cross-country flights for a while. You know, I got to stay close to home. Tempe, you know, San Jose, shit like that. You got Oxnard.

Yeah. You got Ontario. You got fucking, I'm going to Albuquerque for the first. time. Nice. Next year. I got dates in fucking Austin. And I don't have a lot.

I'll tell you that much. I'm sitting at home until I figure out what's going on with Netflix. Netflix gives me a special. Then we're ready. You know, and listen, it's so hard because you're doing comedy eight years. I'm doing comedy 20-something years.

I'm still struggling. I'm still in the same boat you are. But I love it. It's only a different ship. I'm in the same boat, only a different. different ship. I'm over there swimming towards you. No, you're not even swimming.

You're in another boat making progress. But your guys one engine just with that. Yeah. Okay, my problem is I got a good engine. Yeah. But now, uh, the fucking windshield. I got no windshield. You know.

I'm sure you haven't. But have you seen this show that the amazing race? It's like you have to keep doing obstacles or do, like, do, pet challenges or puzzles or something? No. teams. Wow. It just seems like comedy might be something like that.

Like how you're a few steps ahead of him on the path, but it's the same path. You know, and this, when I talk about comedy, I want you people to generalize it as any art or even law school, anything where you fucking got to put your life into this. This is what you're going to do for your life. When you commit to something, especially. as hard as comedy or being a lawyer or being, I'm going to commit to painting portraits. I'm going to fucking feed a family of three, pay a fucking mortgage

and keep my wife happy and put away money in retirement by painting those fucking pictures. You see those pictures, Lee? Would you do that, Lee? Would you look me in the face and go, fuck you and your podcast? I'm going to fucking support a kid and Paula

painting those fucking pictures. I believe in myself. What's your plan? You know what my plan is? I'm going to have fucking pay different teams every month and I'm going to go into a restaurant and cater it and have people come down and pay $25. So I cover my thing and look at my art.

And if I sell, I could do six in a month. If I could sell two of the six, I could pay that. And I'm like, really? And you're like, yeah, that's how I do it every month. And some months I get lucky and sold off four of them. Yeah. People do it. They figure out a niche for themselves.

You gotta motivate yourself You know Like I want to put food in my kids' mouth I want to get him what he wants I want to get him that Nintendo That's what that's what motivates me every day Is it still Nintendo? It's a Nintendo switch right now

It's a new thing How much is this thing I bought one 325 bro That's not bad That's a lot of money How many shirts I gotta sell do that Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Have these jobs

Do you know what I'm saying And it's a constant hustle It uh For me, it was, once I got it, I got it because it's like selling Coke. Only it's a different energy. Yeah. One time when I was locked up,

this black dude said to me, can you imagine all the energy? You see how all the energy you're doing to doing bad things. Think of if you took that energy into doing good things. Yeah. I'll never forget him to it.

It was like close to Christmas. And we were outside, and it was cold out. And we all had those prison and lee jackets on with like sweat shirts underneath. And he was a black dude. I can't remember what his name was.

It was the librarian, me, and maybe somebody else. Chicken Hawk. No, it wasn't Chicken Hawk. There was a Cuban kid when I was locked up. His name was Tanna Hill. He was a fucking trip. He was a gang member, too. Something, Tanna Hill.

I think about him from time to time. I always sit here very puzzled that nobody I did time with from that fucking halfway house order whatever has ever reached out to me do you know that? Oh no we had the one kid the one kid that was my roommate

that he sold him coke and he tested positive and I kept checking the bro this is one of the funniest things that I'm in the halfway house I'm about to get married my fiance is three months pregnant okay and I'm like

Sammy the Bogovano I'm selling cars and selling coat, dog. Hand in hand. And most of my action is at that fucking halfway house. Of course. Like, till this day, I still sit there, and every six months I think about this shit,

and I go, how... And they knew I was bringing it in. Yeah. I was like, hold on, hold on. They knew I was bringing it in. Because, bro, when I'd pull into the parking, because I even got to level four where I could drive a car. I was a car sale.

Yeah, yeah. So they gave me a car. When I would pull in, I would see all the invicts jumping up and down in there. Where would you hide it? In my ball sack. Wow. I put a half ounce in fucking grams in my ball sack. You could hide a half ounce?

Is it a broken up right? All into grams. And by the time I walked in the building, everything would be fucking gun. And one of the guys was my roommate. His angle of being awake on that was that he was shaved. Oh, my God. So he would sit there from two in the morning to six with steam on. And every hour the guard would come in and go, oh, what are you doing?

Shaving. How can you be shaving? Because he'd be sweating. Yeah. So if you keep doing that, they'll piss you. Yeah. I would fuck with them from time to time just to test them every time I'd stand up past two. Next morning I had a piss test.

Like fucking automatic. So I knew if they saw me up past fucking 1130, I was getting a piss test. Yeah. So I would always do blow and lay down and just jerk myself off the day. And just look at the stars. And make sure I would pee before they would come in the room. If they catch you peeing, you're getting a pissed at. Yeah.

And you're getting a pissed test. That's crazy. So it was crazy, dog. That was their psychology. Why are you up watching TV? And if you beat them 10 times, then they would stop. But they would bang you out. I had a neighbor in one of the rooms that was clean and sober.

And he was, in fact, he tried to get an injunction against him because he was calling it like prejudicial. He was white, though. This dude was white and smart and intelligent. He had cash. So he said, every time I'd stay up past, he goes, I'm a fucking nightawk. He goes, look at my prison.

You know, I did like 10 years in prison. Look at my prison. I was a night guy. I worked in the night yard. There's some shit. He goes, I work nights. My body's still used to nights. He goes, every time I'm fucking up, I'm late for work because they fucking piss me.

And they piss you on the way out. So they don't even come to your room and knock on the door. So now you're already running late to work. You've been snort and bloated to 4.30. You got one hour sleep. And they stop you at the door on the way out. Excuse me. Go fucking pee, and you ain't got no pee in you.

So you have to snort and you have to sleep. Two hours. So you got to wait. You got to wait. You got to sit and drink water from them. You can leave. But when you come back and pee, they sit right there with the mirrors, the whole thing. Jesus.

What are they doing with mirrors? They watchers. Yeah. Take none out of your nutsack. Yeah. But I kept beating them, man. I beat them for months. Undefeated.

They caught me. They caught me two times. But you got to assume they hit me with fucking 40 fucking piss test by the time they got me with the second one. So a hundred percent. But that's, they'd just play the field like anything else.

That's a great record. Yeah, I got him. I got them because I would time them. I played it clean just to watch them. I watched how they would maneuver off my reactions. So if I came home late from selling a car, I knew I got pissed tested.

You know what I'm saying? Even though when you come in, they breathalized you. You were probably the best car salesman ever. No, no, yeah. I could picture that. But that was the thing. They were always...

So for the first two or three months, I played them. So why didn't he just try not to get tested? Well, me? Yeah. Because after a while, they just played it. After a while, I got to know their tendencies, and I knew what they would do. So what I did was I stayed clean,

but I got greedy, and I was selling Coke, and I would pick it up with my hands, and it would go through your skin. And one time they got me on that. Really? Yeah, it goes through your pores. No way. It must have been picking up a lot of Coke.

Yeah, you're weighing up an ounce. when you weigh up an ounce and it's fucking right off the fucking bat of light. You lose 0.5 at least. Yeah, you know, it goes. Licking your fingers. Yeah, you're doing the whole fucking thing. So I didn't realize I came up hot that time one time.

And then another time I came up hot three months later. So I could, so they thought about putting me in rehab. I cut a deal with them. I cut it out of those six to nine rehabs, like six o'clock at night to nine at night where they torture you for four weeks. And then they let me back. I got back to level four, and that was it.

But yeah, dog, I, uh... That's crazy. That is fucking crazy. I still think about that shit, and I laughed my asshole. But yeah, they pissed me. I watched them for the longest time. Because when I was locked up, they didn't piss me at all. The rumor was they were gonna, they peed people.

Yeah, they peed the old junkies. But they didn't pee, and then we started, they said that you couldn't get tested for acid. So we sold acid. And we did acid. that we were in prison. You know what? There's a sale on acid today, guys. It was a good acid.

Me and the librarian. He was a genius. He did a couple of tests. You get a groupon. There was no coupon. There was no Armenians. There was no Mexican Armenians and enjoyed it. It's the last place I want to do acid would be prison.

It sounds like a terrible idea. Wow. It sounds like a terrible idea. Oh, because it just makes you think about all the terrible things you, like you've done in your life. and then you have panic attacks and you're already in prison. See, that's you because you plan everything on and you think everything out. Yeah.

When I did the ass in there, I wanted to think about my life and where I was going and what opportunities and what possibilities I had. That's it. Only you, Captain Doom, because it's in your fucking dungeon Jew DNA. Not to disrespect the Hanukkah holiday. Happy Hanukkah, dude. We think of shit like that. You see what I'm saying?

That's why people have Whenever somebody tells me They have a bad trip I laugh my ass off Because guess what I out tripped them by 300 hits And I can look at you in the eye And tell you I never had a bad trip

One time I had to turn off the Exorcist But besides that What are you talking about? Were you in prison too? Watching The Exorcist? No funny One year was my birthday When I turned 17

Happy birthday I bought a fucking me and a bunch of savages went out to Union City and we bought a $10 bag of T.HC. Crystal a AKA fucking horse tranquilizer

a.k.a. fucking gorilla Spirial biscuits. This was way before all that shit. This was when you were doing angel dust. It was just a modified angel dust. Buy ya. Come in.

It was a modified Angel dust That you could snort We were probably I don't know What the fuck am I talking on my head? Angel does he back then and how old we? Oh fuck

The first time I did it probably 13 14 Jesus Oh that far that's tremendous I know You catch a whiff of that A little bit A little bit till he gets it

It's not bad It has a little bit of star action too It smells like Los Goumies Hermannos No, I love snorting that shit It made you feel like Gumby dust But the first time I went down there

What does that even mean? Gumby dust You just feel all soft and she Remember Gumby and Pokey? Yeah, of course Okay, Gumbie. I had their fingers as a little child Okay, Gumby

Remember Gumbie was all bending like that? Right. That's what you feel like, Gumby. Your eyes are almost shut. His eyes are shut He's got his four more stars He's on star probation. I'm on

probation so no no no so we would go not we went down there one night oh my god i think i did that and a fucking uh and i hit ass and i went home and i put on the exorcist to watch but i put black sabbath master reality on to listen to and that was the first time i had take the headphones off and go this is ugly this is not good this is not fucking good i'm not doing this but besides that i never had bad trip on acid. Even after the death of my mother, that's what cleaned up my head, dog, because I would think about my life and I would think about my mom, and it would kind of put everything into perspective. Not on acid, I disagree.

Let me tell you something. I want you to do me a favor. Sure. Let me talk to you about torture, okay? Okay. And this is man to man. My favorite album at night, when I would come home at night, and I would be like, in the daytime, I'd be with Jack and Vinny and. and Di Agostino

by your mother's house and your mother knew my mom had died so she'd invite me off for dinner at night I'd become family and then I'd go home and take a shower

I was staying you'd pick me up you know it was that type of lifestyle I don't know what the fuck I'm going with this

what are we talking about it was a I'm talking you see those stars hit me too you guys are both fucked do you guys take a lot

of star I mean you still have a star right there I know I'm not any of that one He has to eat it. He has to. He has to.

He has no choice. He has no choice. I mean too many. You don't even remember what we're talking about. You don't remember what we're talking about. Your eyes are closed right now. No, we're talking about fucking bad trips. And I would never think that way, Lee.

That's what I'm trying to say to you. If you ever took that, like even the time we did it, somebody put that compilation of you giggling. Right. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, you couldn't. You were having a great time. I didn't have.

No, no, I'm not saying it's all bad, but it's, it's. scary no no no oh i want you to put on black sabbath megal mania okay i would at night at night i would go home after i did a hit of acid i would go home and take out a couple lines of coke and play this song at night play it real quick give me one second why's it taking this so long what's going on dog, you're slipping and shit. How do you spell that? You know?

Just put Black Sabbath. Right. And by the time you get the megal, it'll come up on the zone. Megalania. M-G-M-E-G-L-E-M-A-N-I-A. Something like that. Got it. I'm no fucking spelling to be champion.

I just try it, right? Think about fucking being on acid. And this is what I would torture myself with. Just put this on loud. Let's listen to you. This is like self-taughture here. I heard this on the radio the odd night, and I almost crashed the car.

I was on Ozzy's bone drive. No, not all. Do I look fucking emotional? No, I mean, when you were driving. No, no, no, no. I just heard this. And I don't listen. I don't have this out in the office.

So I don't listen to this. This is as scary as it gets with me. Oh, yeah, fuck that. Oh, no, no, no. I can raise that what's bad. But kick it up, kick the mule up. This is my ass of song. By right here I'd be in the corner, shaking leave.

Stop it, stop it. And then Ozzy right here. The ghost of tomorrow from my favorite dream is telling me to leave it off. Are you fucking kidding me? This would go through my head. You keep slipping away. Slipping in tomorrow. Are you fucking nice?

17 This is why I don't give a fuck Wake now Are you fucking kidding me This is what I would listen to This is soldier music To listen to this You gotta be a fucking get level

Right here Let's tell what he says here He just goes after Ozzy This is like the No sex scandals No sex scandals, nothing They were fucking the kings This is

1975 They were going up against Elton John They were going up against the Eagles Are you fucking kidding me? But no, this is the acid trip song. Anyway, on that note, Jack, you're having your what?

Your fourth anniversary party? This Wednesday night? The Haha Comedy Club. Dog, I'm happy you came on. I wanted to have you on. Appreciate it. That means a lot. I wanted to put you on.

I know you had a hot Christmas party yesterday. Thank you. I was invited, but I didn't come because I was tired. I understand. I fell asleep. I was a long flight. That means a lot. I had five.

fucking shows. You've been very supportive. You know, I love you and shit. And I want you to come back. And how are you feeling over there, cuck, sucker? I'm feeling really good. What you got a plan for Hanukkah? Happy Hanukkah and you and your family. Thank you very much. You're going to call your family tomorrow morning. What's the story? And let them know. Yeah, absolutely.

It's healthy as some presents for people. But it's going to be a good holiday. All right. I can feel in the air, too. Speaking of presents, every year, millions of people received the least light gift of all time. Underwear. But we still give it to our family, our loved ones, who just don't want it.

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Now you're eating healthy and you got nice underwear. but if your asshole stinks like 10 dead camels, what good is it? Right or wrong? That's why when you're writing your Christmas list to Santa this year, tell that cocksucker that one, he still owes your money, and two, all you want for Christmas is your asshole to be fucking tip-top magoo. When you got access to pine cones and dingoberries hanging from the fucking bowels of your asshole

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and get a clean ass with Tushy. Go to hellotushy.com and use promo code church to get 10% off your order. I want to thank Jack Asadurian Jr. Listen, if you see him at a comedy club opening for somebody, you've got the seal of approval.

He works hard. He's got hard. And if not, he wouldn't be on the show tonight. And I want to thank my little Gumban, each over there, the Christ killer. And I want to wish him and his family a fucking special honoring them because I love him.

How do you say it in Italian again? Mazzo Christo. That's how I want to tell you. I love your motherfuckers. Wednesday, we're starting earlier. Rick Ramos, get your pencils and paper. It's going to be more of a video type podcast.

Don't forget, Felice Christmas present when you go to Amazon, click on the church of what's happening now, ban, right? Go to Joey Diaz.com. and there's an Amazon banner there. Click on there for Lisa. And you know I love you, motherfuckers.

Have a great night and we'll see you guys Wednesday. Stay black. That was amazing. You know we're going to play games.