The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #544 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: December 20, 2017

Kate Quigley, Comedian, actress, and host of the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.ag - Join now and MYBookie.ag will match your deposit with up to a 50% bonus of your first deposit. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 12/19/17  

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Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The church of what's happened now, the Christmas edition. And yes, it's rated all, motherfuckers. Happy all it is. Thank you for putting out of the church of what's happened.

Now I got the beautiful and talented Kate Quigley. Thank you. The main Christ killer. If you look up fucking Pontius Pilele, He looks a little lightly. Isn't that bad? Isn't Pontch's pilot the bad one? I think it's a bad one, but who gives a fuck?

We love bad boys. That's true. That's true. He said, did you do 23 amigo? I don't need to. Pontius Pilate is my great, great, great, great, great grandfather. That's the only time anyone ever said I look like a bad boy, so I'll take it. Take it.

You look great, by the way. He's good at you. Cleaned up. I've been going to the gym. He dressed up for you. You've been going to the gym? No, I got a, I got a polo shirt on Amazon. I have tons of polo shirts.

No, but this one. I wore one on the last podcast. This is a good color. You look like a Navy man, like a sailor. He showed up fucking looking with the black death. Right? He's going to kill Kate's pussy. And I look at it.

It needs it. It's a little sad and lonely. Good to see you, Kate Quigman. You too. I love you. When did I see you last? I'm trying to think. Not at your birthday party.

I feel bad. Don't feel bad. I don't feel bad. You know, when you get out of, sometimes I get in the fucking car from with people talking for two or three hours. And you have like nine missed calls. Some people you have to pick up the phone and go, hey, I call you when I get out of here.

But my friends from Jersey, they don't understand that shit. So when I got in the car, I had to call one of them back, and they got to talking. And next year, I'm on fucking Laurel Canyon. I'm like, fuck. I couldn't even believe you were going to come. I try. I don't even get, listen, I don't do dick.

I know. I hate all those things. If you're over 12, I don't come to a birthday party. Is that right? I know. That's why when you said, I'm going to stop. But you're a special type of animals. I love you.

And sometimes you have to go out of the norm and break your little cushion but I never break it. Plus if we're going to drive by it on the way back from the way home, you're like, yeah, let me fucking go over and say hello. Yeah,

I did it at Saddle Ranch, which is like two blocks from the comedy store and the laugh factory. So I was like, everyone will stop by. Honestly, it was the best birthday. I was depressed because I'm getting old.

And I was like, I don't know, I don't even want to celebrate it, but then I decided to. And then everyone came. Like, I couldn't believe, you know, sometimes you don't realize

like how many people care. and then you do something like that. Like some of the people that showed up, Terry, you know Jack Jr. Who was on? You had Jack. His mom, who owns the Ha Ha Comedy Club came. She's like you. Like she doesn't go to shit.

She's like 60 years old. She fucking put on makeup and a hot outfit. She dresses out. Dude, she looked amazing. And she even went to the wrong saddle ranch first at Universal and then realized. And then came all the way over the hill to the other saddle ranch. And she partied. She got drunk.

And she was like flirting. She was amazing. So I was like super touched. She came. My ex-boyfriend came who I thought hated me. And I couldn't believe he showed up. And then, oh, and then I got a surprise birthday present in the mail today from Dustin Penner. I have to give him a shout out.

Do you know who he is? He played hockey for the kings and the ducks, right? He sent me a magic wand vibrator in the mail. It came in my mail today. I opened it. I was like, this is amazing. So it's been like, I feel loved. It felt good.

It was fun. We gave you a nice present. The church gave me a nice present. You guys gave me a great gift. Thank you. I'm going to show up. It's good to see you. You're not going home for the holidays.

No, I'm going to stay here this year. They're going to get fucking drilled next week, the East Coast. Really? With snow? Yeah. Is that what they're saying? That's great, though. Two storm.

Not if you're fucking flying in there. Well, that's true. Not if you're flying in there. I like Christmas to be snowy, though. We all do. We all do, but then, but it's swell fucking hours for it to be snowy. You know what? come to the house, we'll free some ice,

and I'll throw some snowballs out. Turn the AC on. Yeah, we'll call the fucking Christmas. Yeah, call the Colombians. It's crazy because I just, I don't know, I would love to take the baby and my wife back to our parents in Tennessee, like surprise them. But today I'm sitting there, I'm like, oh, shit, two fucking storms.

That means delays. Even if there's not storms, honestly, every year, I say I'm going to stay, because one Christmas, I didn't you go back one year? Last year I went back, but like only one Christmas I stayed here. I've gone back every year because I love my mom. And I mean, she always kind of, she doesn't mean to, but she always guilt trips me, you know, about not coming back. So like, I'll tell her I can't afford it.

And then she'll be like, I totally understand. But then every time I do anything, she'll be like, I saw you had a couple drinks last night. Who paid for those? Can you put that towards your plane ticket? So I always end up going. But one year, I stayed here. it was the best Christmas I ever had. Not that I don't love my family, but I went surfing.

I kicked it at the beach. I ate Mexican food. And then I went to karaoke with a bunch of comics. And then I ended up kissing a stranger. It was awesome. It was like the best Christmas ever. So this year, I decided to do it again. I'm staying here.

I'm not going to go home. I'm going to serve food at the Laugh Factory and then probably go to the beach. That's it. You know, it's kind of weird when you have like a rough year. And the holidays are going to come up. and you're like, how am I going to survive them? You know, and you're like, fuck. And then Thanksgiving is always like a half one,

maybe the uncle that died fucking made stuffing or something. I know. But, you know, then the holidays come, and you expect to feel really shitty. And something weird happens that you end up feeling good, and that's what the holidays are. Yeah. It's like feeling good by mistake.

It's true. Like this year, actually Thanksgiving, it was funny because I was supposed to go do, a gig and then at the last minute something came up with the gig and it got canceled. So I ended up being in L.A. with no plans. Like I found out the day before it was canceled. So then I didn't know what to do. I woke up Thanksgiving morning with no plan and I text my girlfriend who's new in town was like, what are you going to do today? And she's like, I don't know. And I was like, you know, do you want to just go to the beach and like fuck around? She's like, sure. So I put on a turkey suit,

like an actual full turkey costume. And we went to the beach and I tried to surf wearing a turkey outfit, which I'm a horrible surfer, but like I like to try. And we took photos of it. And then I like played with little kids. And then we went to, again, we went to a taco joint and drank margaritas. We had no turkey, nothing that resembled Thanksgiving. But it was like so fun. And in some ways, being here for the holidays, because I grew up in Ohio. So being here where it's like sunny and warm, it doesn't even feel like I'm missing a holiday. I can forget so easily that it's even a holiday. It's just no traffic. It's just a nice day with no traffic. That's, That's it. But I was so happy. I think I like being away from family for the holidays.

That's what I decided. There's no stress. And I can drop by in the summer and surprise everyone with gifts for no reason. And then I'm just like the cool aunt that came home and like gave out gifts and money for no reason instead of just being like there at the holidays where no one even remembers that you came. You know what I mean? And then I'm sad because I'm the only one single and the only one without kids. And then my mom will be like, who are you dating now? And I'm And I have to, like, list off the whole, you know, team. Just kidding. I'm just kidding.

There's no team. Totally joking. But yeah. Now, the holidays, I, at first, I didn't think I could survive the holidays without, like, being in Jersey. Like, I still remember my first Christmas out of Jersey. It was, like, heartbreaking. But then I woke up Christmas Day and I go, you know what I'm so hardbroken? I'm going to go skiing.

I'd never skied before I'd skied. I'd put skis on one time. Where were you? The first time I ski was at the Playboy Resort in New Jersey. With a bunch of fucking morons doing blow, and we didn't even ski. They had a Playboy resort? Like a Playboy ski thing? No way.

They had midnight skiing. Oh, I love night skiing. So you went at midnight, and you got to, you know, midnight, what is the weather's like? You know, I didn't think that one out. It's icy. That's like what you were to zip line. You didn't think it out. You didn't think it out.

I'm like, wait a second. It's fucking 10 above, you know, zero in the daytime. And I'm going to the fucking map. to fucking ski and I didn't even think about it. I went with jeans and like a t-shirt. Oh yeah, I was a real fucking... It was your first time. Yeah, so you didn't even plan.

Oh my god. You prepare for it. Dude, that's the worst. You know, the other day I went to Disney on ice with my wife and the baby. You did? Aw. We went to Disney on ice with a hundred kids from the school.

And you know, I just fucking know from going to hockey games when I was a kid that whenever you go to anything with hockey ice, it's gonna bring a fucking jacket. Yeah. Well, I just know this in my head, but I don't show you. with people because I think everybody else knows this stupid. Oh God. Don't tell me your wife didn't bring any.

We get in the fucking car and while we're driving, she goes, oh my God, my friend just called me from the school and said, I hope I bring a jacket for me and Mercy because we're going to be cold. And I go, you didn't know that. Because I didn't even notice. Mercy had like a little hooded sweatshirt on it. Oh, God. But she took it off.

She was great. Well, she's a kid. They don't feel anything. No, she was jumping and fucking dancing and screaming. I used to wear shorts in the snow. Like kids don't feel anything. When does that end? Like now I feel

And now I'm like cold all the time As a kid I would just stand outside And you don't give a fuck You know I was talking to my friend of Villo today And when we were kids He had a shed And the shed had no heat And we would go back there

You know the night started At a Villow shed It never ended there But every night Started in the little shed From the time I was In the 8th grade To maybe

six months after I quit high school, a villa shed was always a haven. It was big. He painted the walls. He had Sabbath bloody Sabbath on one wall. No, no, no. He had volume four on one wall. He had the wall, Pink Floyd, on one wall.

He had a drumkin in there and a martial lamp. Nice. And if you got too cold, just play the drums. Dude, I remember as a kid, the people that, like, some of my neighbors had those sheds and their parents would, like, give it to them as, like, a clubhouse. And I was so jealous. I just wanted to live in one.

They're fucking tremendous. Yeah. You freeze in the winter. Like you want to drink back there. You're going to freeze. I don't know what you guys are talking about. Every shit I ever was at had like bikes and like equipment. You didn't have like friends that had like a little clubhouse in the backyard?

They closed it off and they had a door. No. So it was like an extra apartment in the back. Yeah. It was cleaned out. The floor was linoleum. That shit you install on your own. And we went back there five nights a week.

His mother would never go back then bother us. The boys told him I'll do us a favor. Don't go back to embarrasses. Yell for us and we'll walk. Well, isn't that the place where you had the punch with the bees in it? Yes. So maybe they should have been ticked. Wait, punch with bees in it?

One of the first parties I went there with it was three of them. There was Michael, Anthony, and Stephen. Okay. I was friends with Stephen. But the real cool one was Anthony. And Michael was older. He was already out of that whole scene. Yeah.

So when I was like a fucking freshman, I went old. I had to be, yeah, because my mother was still alive. And I went over there, like at 8 o'clock, and it was me, Stinky, and a Villa. Or the only kids that were allowed at that party that the older guys would let it because we were with his brother. So it was just us.

It was a Saturday night. I didn't go uptown, and I went over there, not thinking anything. And they were the type of guys that always punch you when they saw you. They would all come over and fucking punch him. punch. What up?

Come on. Give them a fucking drink. Can't do that now, guys. No, they give my drink. Me too. And they fucking got a cup. It was like that cup right there. And they stuck to just go put your hand on the punch.

And you just put your hand in the punch. A thousand hands have been in that punch. Ew. It was a garbage can with a liner. But the garbage can was still dirty. Sounds like the Laugh Factory holiday party. And they filled it in with fucking every booze imaginable and mixed. Oh my God.

Fruit. And then they put bees in there. Bees? And some of the people were eating the fucking bees. I started drinking that magic punch. And then at the end, they told us they that they duped it with something, like assed or something. But I was a young kid.

Wait, the bees, though. I have no idea. I never bit into a fucking bee. I don't fucking know. I think that there's, like, poison. There's like some shit in bees that make you high or something. They had bees in that fucking thing. So all I remember is drinking with them, having a great time.

And the next thing you know, I hope you'll hope you. my eyes and I'm on and then the sun is halfway out and a cop is standing on me with a stick. His name was Ray Anesto. The cop's name was Ray Anesto and I was on Richie Sinsolo's lawn. Because I hung out of Richie Sincullo. I must

just pass down his lawn. How'd you know the cops' names? Because we played basketball when I'm at the courts. Oh, you already knew it. And when we were kids, he was the only guy that had the audacity to show up with sneakers and colored socks. So we would torment them. People would leave. Fucking Ray Ernesto showed up with colored socks. Fuck him.

Oh, my gosh. The kids in my neighbor were strict about that rule. No colored socks at the courts, bro. What? Why? Because you bring bad look. They tell you that in high school in the 70s and 80s. Your neighbor is so weird.

If you had colored socks in my high school, when you went to gym class, they would send you no gym today. You're kidding. No. I would have worn colored socks on purpose every day to get out of it. Because if you cut your foot, the ink from the sock and licking to the cut and you get a poison. So my school was against This is the most made up shit I've ever heard of my life I swear to God.

I swear to God my school was anti-colored socks How did they used to make socks? White socks, white socks. This seems like you're white socks Weird racism. No colored socks? What the fuck? But they still have to color the white socks, don't they?

Yeah, but not that. What do you mean? The socks got to be fucking white. That's it. Wait a minute. They bleach white socks. Never mind the stripes. Never mind the stripes.

What colors are socks just naturally when they make them? White. Off white. Bage? Doesn't fucking matter. My point is... Kind of white, but they want whiter. My point is they want the fucking...

They wouldn't let you wear sweats. And that wasn't just my school. That was a bunch of school districts. Fuck that school. I would rebel. I would wear fucking neon socks every day. The only time you go wear color socks is if you play baseball with those black baseball socks with the little thing because it was only one inch on your heel.

What do you think your gym teacher would say if he said? one of those like toe socks things oh they throw you out of that first off one of the kids in the class would beat you the death before you even before we didn't play like that though they didn't play like that we take Jim seriously yeah they took everything serious I hear when people have

stupid rules for no reason oh they're like Joey Joey that's all Joey I grew up with unwritten rules that are rules that's bullshit I grew up with unwritten rules that were rules and you know there are still rules today can I just tell you I can't say where but I just did a comedy show tell me if this is ever

happened to you. I just did a comedy show somewhere where they made you turn in your ID when you got there and take an employee badge and you were not allowed to drink until the show was over at all. They took your ID so you couldn't buy alcohol anywhere. And I was so annoyed because I'm like, I'm a grown-up.

I don't even normally drink before I go up, but I was so annoyed that I went and found alcohol and drank just to be like fuck the system because they said I couldn't drink and I think it's so dumb. So I went and bought tequila. When you make the decision to become a musician, when you make the decision to give up your ordinary life,

an American life to become a musician or an artist, or to paint or to do comedy and all that shit, guess what, man? Those job rules don't apply to you. That's how I felt. Okay, why do you think I'm so fucking burnt out? Because comedy, comedy is this thing that you do. It's a grind.

And you know, but it's this thing that you do when you fall in love with you get obsessed with. And then it turns into something else. It turns into a business. and that business wears on your psyche because you're an artist. You don't, you know, all you want to do is make people laugh. You're so right. You just want to make people laugh.

And also it becomes just, no, you can't perform there because there's not enough seats. What are you talking about? That's my, I still get beat up for doing the punchline in San Francisco. And every time they call me with an offer, they try to sneak it by me. Yeah, so we're going to get you in cops. Listen, and I finally had to send them like a note the next time you're telling me about cops, I'm done. I will fire you.

Don't talk to me about them. But you're right. Don't talk to me about Wednesdays. Don't talk to me about Thursdays. That's the struggle that makes your brain tired. I don't talk to me about Sunday. I know you hate Sundays. Don't talk to me on Sunday.

There's no reason why you should have us out there. You want us out there? Come fly out and do the fucking show with me at seven. See how miserable is to miss every flight by one hour. That's so true. One hour. You can't even take a fucking red eye in this country anymore. There needs to be more midnight.

The last flight out. out of LAX is 1259. When I was growing up, you could take a 3.30 to Chicago, Jack. You're right, actually. 3.30 in the morning? 3.30 in Chicago.

You could take it that in close airboards. You were flying into that motherfucker all night long, Jack. So right. You could take it 4 a.m. to Miami. It is interesting, though, because you're so right. I mean, like, it exhausts you. You just want to make art.

That's it. I get so tired because my brain, I'm so overwhelmed with all the business side of everything. Everything's a business and everything's, and all you want to do. I haven't been booking a job one time. Guys, you come out of here, you're fucking bro. You're fighting.

Every month you're fighting. So bro. Okay, you break it down to the month. And then you learn to break it down to the day. I was down to the day. I lived for the day. I had it down to it's the day. You don't know what's going to happen.

Because I had this little promoter that used to call me, this big fat black dude. And he always gave me a gig and always go, I got a deposit for you. And he always me and Felipe, we used to always take his 500. and then he calls us up and he goes, dog, I cancel the gig. And then he calls back two weeks later and go, listen.

I got another date. All right, send this a deposit. You motherfuckers ain't right. No, dog, that deposit. You got to have it. Yeah, it was for a date you fucking banged this out for before. Do you know how broke I was when I first moved to L.A.? I got this shithole studio apartment in now it's like where the target is in West Hollywood,

Santa Monica and LaBreya. Back then, it was so ghetto. It was all hookers and crackheads. You know where the target is? Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember before they even had the fucking target. Before the target was there.

Yeah, this was like 11, 12 years ago, right? I was so broke. I rented this place. I sight unseen because I need an... I have one day to find an apartment. I was in my car, sleeping in my car. So I rent this place. It was Section 8 housing.

I didn't know. Yeah, I didn't even know. It had a pool, though. That's why I took it. It was the only place I could afford with a pool. So I was like, fuck it. I'll take it. The pool, by the way,

definitely had like AIDS swimming in it. Like, it was the grossest, dirtiest pool. I take this apartment. I have no furniture. I go in there with an air mattress. I had a TV tray for like a quote desk. No TV, nothing. I'm sleeping on the floor on the air mattress.

After a couple days, I go to the grocery store to buy food. I waited like three days. I had no money to get paid for a job. I go to buy food. I come home with all my groceries and I realize that I didn't have a fridge. Because apartments in LA don't always come with a fridge. No, not come with a fridge. But I didn't even notice there was no fridge.

don't come with stoves. Yeah, I was so exhausted from just, like, moving here. And I was already auditioning. Like, I hit the ground fucking running, like, auditioning, acting classes. I spent all my money on that. I come home with these fucking two bags that I, like, walked home seven blocks. And I get there and I have no fridge. So then I, all my shit went bad because I couldn't afford a fridge.

And then, like, a week later, I bought, like, a dorm fridge off some dude off Craigslist for, like, 20 bucks that had, like, mold growing in it. I was so poor. but I was the happiest I'd ever been Like I lived like that for six months With no furniture But I was doing I started doing stand up And I got lucky

And I booked a gig Right away on a TV show just one day But so I felt like Oh, I'm in the right place I'm gonna make it They already love me I booked a job And then after that I booked nothing

For like two years That's not to me Yeah And I was so poor I booked a pilot A fucking commercial And something else and then the well dried up.

I couldn't fucking book a headshot and my manager was really good at the time. And I broke up with that girl, me and her got into a fight in the fucking street, and I took a flight to Miami like a week later, and I stayed Miami for six weeks and just house MC'd. And he paid me like 300 a week.

I stole like 400 a week. How did you steal money? No, I'm saying. I need these skills. How? It was fucking craziness. And then, you know, you know, So I was telling, when I first got here, I couldn't find an agent.

So I had a sign with an agency called The Coloring Book. It was two black chicks. One was a really badass attorney, though. Bad, lethal, lethal. Yeah. Like, whenever she booked you a job, you were getting paid, like paid. That's good. Because she knew all the numbers.

Is she still an agent? I'll take her. No. They both left. The one agent, that was my agent. I loved the dealie. Her husband cheated on her with a white chick. So she moved back to D.C. with the kids.

And the other one, the husband cheated on her with a white chick, and she moved back to Atlanta. So they used to keep in touch for years. If you ever get something, let us in on it. But the reason why I stopped talking to one, I really liked her, was because when reality got really hot, I was here right before the boom. Rogan was already on Fear Factor the first year, and it was off and running. Yeah. I was with this agency called PJ Linder and Associates. They were a host agent.

Let me tell you some. Every day they had my Cuban ass out. Spanish shows, American shows, they didn't give a fuck. And one of the shows, well, they got me a meeting with this guy. I don't know what his name was, but he was gayer than fuck. And I started talking, talking, and finally he goes, you know what? when you speak it's just my soul

he's telling me all this shit he was in love with you he goes this is what we're gonna do we're gonna do did you get casting couch please tell me please tell me come back to my hotel

I want to show you some scripts can I jerk off in front of a plant he was really soft guy he looked like not a tough guy but he looked like a little assertive guy but after 10 minutes I just broke him

what do you mean all the feathers became flying What do you mean you broke him? Because I was telling, he was asking me stories, and I was telling him stories about my childhood, and he was kind of like getting teary-eyed and shit. And I broke him.

And he goes, oh, my God, I kind of grew up the same way. I was, you know, I was, and I'm like, oh, this guy's gay. I didn't give a fuck. I had nothing to do with me. He was only the first people that really listened. And he goes, you know what? I have these friends, and he got right in front of me. He got on the phone.

He goes, hey, man. You guys still putting that game together, that game show. And they go, we're thinking about it, but we had a bump. And he goes, what's the bump? And he goes, well, we don't know who to cast. Who we really want wants a lot of money. And he goes, who you want to cast us in right in front of me. What game show is this?

It was a game show where you go out to dinner with your husband and we burglarize your house. Shut up. That's a game show? This is, it was like a reality. How do you win? You're doing your stuff. It was like a mock. It was like a mock.

That sounds amazing. It was NBC. It was fucking NBC. At that time, they didn't know what was going to happen. You burglarized the house? Not me, me, not me, not me. Hold on. So they were picking up, they were picking up everything.

Kate Quigley. They didn't know what reality was going to buy. They didn't know that the Batseret was going to be popular. They didn't know these things. So this was a slash, what do you call those things? One of those cars that are half electric, half fucking desk. This was going to be. a hybrid show.

I might have seen this. No, no, no. You never seen that. This is a show in like the early 2000s with two guys who were breaking in the houses. But it was to teach you how guys were breaking in. This was a show where a family went out. We got their alarm codes.

Oh my God. And then we broke into your house. And that was the host of the show. And these people broke into your house. And then how did you get your stuff back? The kids come home. They're like crying. Like all their shit is gone.

Something really weird and then Was the game show like taking place inside the house? Was the game show like how far can you be pushed before you kill yourself? All I remember is guys that they had me at Paramount in front of a fuck like right away. Like three weeks later this fucking thing started and they're like you're the man. They came to see me at the store. They stayed for two spots and they're like you're the that is perfect for you. They're like you're the host.

So we go back. We go back and forth. now they want to do a screen test for the network so we go to paramount and i got up on stage and the lights are behind me and the houses and i got to do this fucking spiel right so okay the show's gonna go i had a manager and an agent at the time my agent was good but my manager was just brilliant he was just brilliant i was too bad to be with him yeah yeah yeah he was over town like he had he had no business signing me but he thought that he could get a show with me i still feel like that that now like he thought i could get a show yeah so he was powerful as fuck well fucking he wakes

me up the next morning guys i'm broke as fuck okay i'm living with terry seven hundred dollars a month round we can't make it we got three or four cats you know you're ready for this guys i got a call bling joey jeff how you doing i talked to those people last night i got them up to 15 000 an episode for the pilot and if the show goes you're going to pick up 27 five holy shit first time on TV. For the episodes? Per episode. Holy shit.

A 13 episode commitment. Did you get it? Listen to me, bro. I'm telling you a fucking story. I love when you call me. You got a broken the fucking driver here. This went on. This went on for like a day and a half.

Then I got a call from my agent. This is going to happen to you cake quickly. You ready for this? Lisa Ann. You're broke. Lee, you're broke. You just had to borrow money from your father. You're about to borrow money from your mother.

And your agent calls you and tells you got a meeting. and the next thing you know they want to do a show and you're the host on NBC not fucking uh oxygen or fucking Mama Luke Central you've been here for two fucking years Lee two years you've been here and NBC is already barking

and your manager just calls you and says to you listen to me they're going to give you 15,000 for the pilot and if the show gets picked up which we have so much power around it you're going to get 27,000 an episode for the first season okay Lee you're going to hang up the

call your mother. Of course. Okay. I'm fucking ecstatic, okay. Now NBC wants to see me again. Back down in Paramount. I don't know why are we going to Paramount. We shoot down a fucking Paramount.

And there's the black agent and Jeff, my manager, who's a barracuda. Okay? We go into the office. They talk to us. We're going to type up the contracts. Beautiful. I walk out of that room. All I'm seeing is Coke rocks and women.

All I'm seeing are. and women that look like you. That's all I'm seeing. Women's lying. Women getting fingered, sucking dick, eating ass, the whole thing. 275.

That means right off the bat, I'm getting $275,000. I'm getting about $400,000 when it's all said and done. I'm fucking walking out of that room. And all of a sudden, the black agent turns around and looks at the little Jew and she goes, hey, I think you're undercutting my client.

No. Oh, my God. No. And he goes, what are you talking about? He goes, you're undercutting my client. client. My client, she'd be getting 25 for the fucking pilot and 35 for the fucking episode.

And I'm looking at her and my insides are falling apart. And she's like, well, I'm the agent. You're the manager. You weren't even supposed to negotiate the deal. What the fuck? So I'm going back in there just to let you know that's I'll report you. What did you do?

Tackled her like a football play. Did you say anything? Shit coming on my ass. I didn't know what to say. Oh my God. I know. You don't even know. But wait a second, when a second, one time, you know me guys, I don't, I don't even like saying this type of shit. Let me put it to this way. She talked, I'm not going to give you the number. Like, I was flat broke living in Seattle. And CBS came to me, and I called my friend, and he told me he called her.

So I called around for two days first to see if a real agent would sign me. And everybody was like, fuck, no, we don't give a fuck who you. I was sending everybody credits, semi-finalist in the Seattle public competition. Right, right, right. And they're like, take that fax and shove up your ass. Nobody wants to sign you, Chubby. Not fax.

And I fucking, she signed me. Yeah, yeah. And she goes, what does CBS want to give you? And I go, I didn't ask. I don't even know what they give you. I don't even know what they're supposed to give you. She goes, a unit. She goes, a union or non-unit.

I go, I'm non-unit. She goes, okay. She goes, have you ever acted before? I go, I did a college film that won the Boulder, Colorado the Colorado film and she goes, shut up the fuck up. I go, yeah, but I'm like, yeah, but it won the festival.

And she's like, shut the fuck up with a college film. It's like, okay. And I go, she goes, have you ever done anything before? And I go, no, I did industrials in Seattle. And she goes, okay, she goes, let me call you back. And she calls me back, and I'm not going to tell you the number because I'm embarrassed.

I was living in Seattle. I was living in a fucking office. I was living in office. I remember that. And, you know, I had a car that blew up shit and this bitch calls me and she goes listen there's what they want to offer you no she goes you have a fax I go yeah I'm in an office and she faxes me to fucking offer and it was peanuts and she goes that's what they wanted to pay

what do you think and I go I don't know I got to get all the way down there from Seattle yeah she goes okay give me an hour and the number she came back would compared to the offer NBC that I saw on the paper Yeah. I was just, I was like, how did you do that? And she's like, that's what I do. Yeah, she was dope. And she goes, she was black.

And she goes, I make niggas money. She got them to move with me? Yeah. No way. I had no furniture. I had nothing. I had a fucking duffel bag. This is all for that.

Is she like a plane ticket? This is for a different show? Not for the game show. No, no, this is for a different show. That's amazing. I'm just telling you how bad to the bone she was. Yeah, she was an amazing. So when she said she was going to,

try to get you more money you on the inside were like she did it before more money more blow yeah yeah yeah totally i get that more money more more blow i get that so now they're both fighting and he's like what do you want to do and he's like well if you do this it's going to be hard for me to work with you and i go dog it's not like she's talking out of line yep yeah i get it you know it's not like she's talking out of line yeah and then she went back for more money and then they came but she got me Like she bumped them from 15 on the pilot to 225. Nice. For the pilot.

She did a job. Yeah. And then what they were doing was putting final touches on it and making calls. And one day, she called me and she goes, it all went away. Oh. It's so hard. Wait until they get into an argument in front of you over money. And the agent is yelling at the, because the agent negotiates.

Yeah. The manager guides your career. he talks to you about your next move, what you want to do, which is all bullshit. You know, they don't tell you shit, they don't talk to you,

they don't call you back. It's so heartbreaking, though. That happened to me with a show on VH1 that I was like, I went and test shot for it and everything and made the pilot, everything. And they were like,

it's going to go through. And it was not a ton of money, but more than what I was making for my Playboy show. And I was so sure I was going to get it, everyone loved me. And then right before it was supposed to start shooting, they were like, yeah,

they decided not to even make it. I mean, they just decided to scrap the whole show. And I was like, fuck. No one understands how often that happens. We're trying to get Rudy on for next week. Rudy Sarzo, my musician buddy, because I watch that documentary. And Lee, Lee's not a music guy, but you should watch it anyway. I'm definitely going to watch it.

It's called Hired Gun. What's that? About music agents? It's about hired guns. That's cool. People who get hired to join a band for a salary and what happens to them and what happens to their careers and how they get, you know. You know, they get money for, some of them get money for writing.

Some of them don't get dick. That sounds great, actually. Where's that on? It's on Netflix. On Netflix? And they talk about, you know, they talk about, not Bruce Springsteen, but the other guy, Billy Joe. He started his band with these three guys, and he did all these tours that come in one day. He's doing this new tour, and two of the guys, three of the guys, two of the guys don't get cold.

It's, what the fuck happened? Yeah. And then Billy Joel never even called him and gave an explanation. Because Billy Joel's the name. He could hire anybody in the background. And one of the guys killed themselves. Oh. And then Buddy DeVito, the drummer, went on.

And then one day, Buddy DeVito was going through a divorce. He went up to Billy Joel. He goes, hey, man, can you give me some extra money? And Billy Joe told him I can't do it. And all of a sudden, he wasn't on the plane with him no more. Damn. Pretty soon. That's not when you're that rich and that greedy, though.

Like Billy Joel? No, no. He just got robbed by his. management for $11 million. So now he put a fucking seatbelt on everything. Because I just, he put a seatbelt on everything. If I had money, I would pay for all my friends to do everything.

You know what I mean? I really would. Like my good friends, like my friends that have been around, like I would never let them pick up a check ever. I just feel like once you have it, so many people struggle. You know, it's an interesting episode of The Sopranos where Christopher gets pissed off because he has to pick up checks. He's the low man on the...

the totem pole. Yeah. And he keeps us to pick up checks. And these are $800 checks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are not $42. Yeah. 10.69 for a bagel.

Chipotle, seven people. Yeah. No, no, no. This is fucking Mortons. Mortons. Six guerrillas going to eat. I like that you pick Mortons, by the way. Yeah.

The most expensive steakhouse. Because that's what they went. They went to a steakhouse. Then they went to Atlantic City. Yeah. In the episode. And he goes to him. He goes, and Christopher goes in the tone.

He goes, hey man, what the fuck. I'm pissed because I can't keep picking up these tabs He goes, what are you fucking talking about? You know me fucking tabs I picked up and fuck you? He goes, Peter Lugas with Fat Tony Salerno, those guys are ordering cigars and fucking wines And so he goes, listen, what are you mad about? Sunday, some kid's going to buy you fucking dinner.

And let me tell you something, for years, you know, when you go on the road with Joe Rogan, that motherfucker doesn't play. Like, that dude just does not play. Like he goes to fucking Morton's. Yeah. We go. Like, we went out.

He's so generous. He's very generous. I see him tip 100 bucks a drink sometimes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you fucking, you have to do that. Like when I'm wrong with Lee,

I'll pick up a tab. You know, you'll try and I'll tell him out. Lee, you know, whatever, the road, whatever the fuck. Lee, what are you doing?

Lee's sitting there looking at you like a fucking Chinese sparrum. Go get me a drink. Buy my drinks, Lee. Lee's looking at shit from behind going, Jesus Christ. When I do the spin.

smell of shoulder. I'm going to the smell of fucking shoulder. Can I ask you something? This is unrelated. But I was thinking about you talking your first year in Hollywood. Because you're a guy, obviously, and I'm a woman. I'm curious. Like my first couple years in Hollywood, probably the first two years, I went to so many

meetings and auditions that now in hindsight, I'm like, oh, that guy definitely just wanted to be in a room alone with me for hours or, you know, I went on auditions. How long are auditions for you? I went to, okay listen, this is what I mean. I wonder if this happens to guys or if it's only women. Because when I was new in town, I would go to any audition. You know how it is. You'll say yes to anything, right?

I had this audition one day for a short film. And the kid was like, he'd won like two awards for like other short films he made. I'm like, he was young, but I was like, maybe he's like the next Steven Spielberg. Like, who the fuck knows? I'll go. So I go to this house and I show up and the kid's like, so the scene you're in. is you're playing the girlfriend of the father and you sneak in the house late at night

to have sex with this guy and his son's in the next room over. I play the son and I'm going to hear you guys fucking. So we won't see you fucking, but we'll hear the sex noises and then we'll show you sneaking back out and then you run into me in the hallway. I'm like, okay, cool.

So we're going to run the dialogue in the hallway. He's like, well, first I want to get just your sex sounds on camera just because that's going to be, you know, we need you to, to make realistic sex sounds. Mind you, I'm like 22, 23 is my first year here. And in my head, I'm like, this seems like not real. Like, why would he need my sex noises on camera?

But then I'm like, well, this kid has won awards. So I should probably, I should do. Who said John? I was so stupid. I got it off like actors access. You know how it is. You just submit for every fucking thing. So I'm like, okay, do you really need the video?

Can we just record the audio? And he's like, well, you know, then we're going to run the line. So we'll just tape the whole thing. So some kids somewhere. This kid had to be 21, by the way. And in a mansion in Westwood, probably like his parents own this place and he's doing this for fun. I sat there and faked an orgasm like when Harry met Sally style on camera for this kid. And then I did the whole thing.

Do you for clothes on during it? Yeah, totally have my clothes on. I'm just sitting on a couch. Slate my name, fake the orgasm. Then afterwards I go, okay, so now are you ready to run the hallway scene? And he was like, you know, actually, I don't think it's going to work out. Like, my fake orgasm wasn't good enough. So I had to leave and I didn't get to run the lines.

And I got in my car and I cried. And I was crying partly because I knew I didn't do a good job. But then at the time, I was also like married and I was like so green. And I also cried because I felt guilty. Like I was like, oh my God, this probably wasn't a real audition. What if I had just like kind of audition for like porno? And I started crying. I called my husband and told him, and he was, like, horrified.

Like, I can't, this is why you should come back to the Midwest. You shouldn't be out there. He wasn't even here with me. So some kid somewhere has a tape of me when I'm 22, fake orgasming. He's already whacked off to a thousand times. Imagine how many girls he got. He put like some Chinese, and that shit happens here. All the time.

Oh, I can't believe when you were saying that story. What's on, you know what Hollywood high is? You know what Hollywood High School is? The high school? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it like Hollywood and Highland? Yeah.

Near there. No, no, the sunset now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sunset and Highland. Hold on one second. Okay. If you think of going east, there's a little mall in there. There's a little mall in there.

Yeah, I know. They used to have a Buffalo Wild Wings or Starbucks. There's a Burger King and it's across the street. I know what you're talking about. There's still a small. Starbucks. Well, that little more in there and the bottom, bottom floor, there was a little fucking theater. I don't know what it was called, but it was a fucking dive. And I had gone there to do something else. Someone there said theater. And I was a type of guy in those days. There was a girl

that lived in town. Yeah. Remember she used to book the sushi joint on Coenga? Yeah, 10th, Rudy, Rudy. On Coenga. Ruby in Hollywood Boulevard, you walk 50 yards. And there used to be a Japanese restaurant that was booked by this girl. And it was the coolest place on Tuesday nights. It was the coolest place. And I lived around the corner. So what I was trying to do was to get comedy more in the area. Like the I.O. was doing comedy stand up on Fridays at midnight.

She, Ruby did it on Tuesday nights, I think, in the place would back up with agents and shit. Oh, wow. Yeah, because there's food in that area, and they got shit to do. Yeah. It's different locations. They won't go to the improv In those places, no. That's too easy for them. They'll go down there.

But for them to hunt talent. That's so weird that they would be at like a sushi bar show. Oh, my God. It was a sushi ball, like a Japanese-type bomb, but you didn't have to be Japanese to hang out there. They had pool tables and shit. And the comedy was great. I think Damon still has tapes

that I taped from there. No way. Yeah, like four 20-minute tapes to pull on YouTube. Yeah. But what the fuck was the point of the story? You were talking about weird auditions like that. Okay, so I get a call one day and they're like, listen, man, some people want to see you for a movie. I go, no shit.

I'm all excited. And I go, who are the people? And they go, you know, that theater over on Highland? I'm like, I don't say that. And they're like, they're doing a movie. They got the producers. They know a bunch of people. They're going to get into festivals.

They're going to finance. perfect for one of the rolls. I go, okay, but at that time I had the fat ball in my neck. And I was just about to get surgery. I used to have a fat ball in my neck. It was all cocaine cut from all the years. You're not serious. I'm not serious. It wasn't, it was like a

fucking ball of fat. It wasn't cancerous. That was in my neck. And whenever my heart would beat, the ball would go like this, it would go up and down. Oh, you have no fucking idea. You're freaking me out so bad. So they had a cut right here. Rogan talked me into going.

Rogan goes, you got to go get that taken care of. Did they biopsy when they took it out? They did it and there was cocaine in it? No, but in my mind, they showed it to me and that's what it looked like. It looked like a big ball of cut. It looked like a big ball of cut that had been cleaned away from the cocaine and kept going through this nostril and it just developed by my neck over here. I thought there was actual blow in it. Like they cut it open and it was just all your blow caught there.

So I go for the first fucking audition. And at this time, I had done movies and shit. Like, I had done a lot of shit. And I go for my first audition. And listen, it was when they called, it was a big feature and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And Sunny Red's going to be in it. And this guy's going to be in it.

And then when you cleared the smoke, it was $50 a day, ultra, ultra low budget. And my role was nine days, full days. And I'm sitting there and I go, let me go down there and read. What do I have to lose by reading? Do you know I go down there and read? You know what the guy said to me? What?

He goes, listen, I want you to, we're going to make believe this didn't happen. Shut up. Yeah. Like he was in the mafia. He goes, we want to make believe this didn't happen. I want you to come home and come back in two days and do the read. That's not. That you could do this a lot better.

You're cutting yourself short and he had two idiots in the room with them with little fucking hats like they were like fucking Sterlings, like professional actors. And I looked at them like, I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to start a fight with the guy. And I go, you know what, man? I'll come back in two days. If you think that really wasn't me and that really wasn't me, I couldn't do Coke and I had to do Coke.

Back then. Because I had the surgery. I was going to have the surgery about that time. So I was going crazy. And so I didn't have time to focus on fucking sides, especially for $50. If you want to call me here for $50, I'm going to read the sides.

in the room when I got it. At least it was a real project they were making them. Get the fuck out of here. It wasn't a pretend like you just did it for nothing. Listen. So you know what the movie was? A boxer in a Brooklyn neighborhood goes, you know, the mafia wants them. This has been done already.

Who do you play? I have no idea. Are you the boxer? No, I'm some mobster. This is not going to win an Academy Award. There's been done already. It was no big fucking deal. And the next thing you know,

He calls me. I go down there and I bang it out. And he goes, bro, you have to read again for the investors. Right, right, right, whatever. The investors. The investors. Mom and dad and Uncle Dan. And I'm looking at, I'm like, what the fuck?

The family were you in. He said, you don't understand your roles. It's a significant fucking role in this movie. Oh, my God. You're going to knock it out. People are going to love you after this movie. Some people go crazy in that life. Oh, my God.

This is why they go crazy. This is why everyone goes crazy. And I'm sitting there. And all I'm thinking about is 50. $50 fucking dollars. If this was a real movie, I wouldn't be getting $50 fucking dollars a day, okay? Dude, it's a...

So boom, he goes, I'll call you and we'll let you know the date when you come in. So, guess what? It's 9 o'clock at night. This motherfucker calls me. I'm supposed to get up and go to surgery. I'm supposed to get up and go a 4th during the morning and be a seat of sign at by 6.

And this bitch is telling me your audition tomorrow is at 5 in the afternoon. And I go, I got bad news for you, brother. You told him you were going to call me a few days. That was a week ago. I'm going into surgery tomorrow. He goes, well, if you want this role, you should come in here. Oh, my God.

You don't want. Let me tell you how I feel in the morning after surgery. I'll let you know. I'm sorry, it didn't work out. He goes, I can't believe you're doing this to me. You were the top choice. What? I picked your voice over all these stars and shit.

And I'm sitting there going, wait a second, what I was thinking. All these stars. Went into your little club. clubhouse. This place was a theater that sat 60. It was like the shed in the backyard. It was like a shed in the backyard. If you go there now, all it can be is like a fucking closet for fucking brooms and shit. Oh my God. So he's like, you don't understand. We have big money. We have wise guy money in this. So I get my surgery. Listen to me. That was fucked up. I've told this before, but I went to, guess what?

When I come out of fucking surgery, I got an audition for Hannah Montana. Shut up. A callback. A producer session. For Hannah Montana? I went in for Hannah Montana 18 times. And I would run to those auditions. They were right around the corner from my house.

Plus, I wanted to be on Hannah Montana. Is that Disney or Nickelodeon? That's one of those. Right there on Sunset. Because you on Nickelodeon is just hilarious. Well, Nickelodeon does background checks, but I passed it. They're looking for fucking pedophiles, not Coke dealers. Yeah, for sure.

That's why they hired me. Look at my resume. I got a bunch of kids. Disney stuff. Disney X-O. I got a bunch of shit. You're right. That one time I went in and I left there going, that was a great read.

But you have to do a background check. You have to sign the waiver right there because Nickelodeon caught somebody. That makes sense. You got to sign the waiver on the way home. I'm not going to get that role. The next day they called up Joey D is three episodes. What? I said, whoever's doing the background chat.

I wanted to tell them when I got there. Did they not watch you on YouTube? Who's ever doing your background checks are slipping. You know what I'm saying? hilarious. They won't even let me on the lot there. Okay, so you ready for this? Yeah. This is my point of this story. This is the juice. So I get out of the fucking thing and they're like, not only do you have, no, because I don't even, yeah, he goes, you have that other audition.

How are you feeling? I go, Doug, I'm not going to make that audition. He goes, well, we got to produce a session for you at 3.30. No. I like one. Now, I'm getting out of the house. It's about 11. I stopped at the wheat store. I already popped two fucking vikens and I stopped by my buddies and got a half and eight. So I ran right home into two or three lines after surgery. Oh my god. That's when I was crazy Jesus Christ I was crazy. I was crazy. You could die. I waited for about an hour and I go let me see how I feel. Let me see how I feel and I've decided what I want to go to these auditions. Fuck Anna Montana. I'm read for them a thousand times and fuck the other guy, the mafia guy. So I was supposed to go for the mafia guy at 530. I said you know what? I'm okay. I went over with this patch on my neck with blood coming out of it guys and me with a sweater up to here i did the surgery in january and i walk in they're like oh thank you for coming i went to hannah montana first and i thank you for coming you know you're great what time was the surgery and i'm i'm fucked up on the fucking of course i'm the viken and so i'm like oh yeah i get an emblow and i did like three lines but

from those days that was nothing for me yeah that was like me in the star now it was nothing Three lines are just for me to get the flavor for to calm me down. To calm me down. It would just calm me down. Me. I would do it to calm down. Yeah. So I go to Hannah Montana first and I fucking read and then I get in the car and I drive to

Highland and Hollywood which is two blocks down, three blocks now. I park and I go in there early and I go in there to a room filled of cake quickly. One better looking at the other. Stupid. Brunettes, blondes, brunettes, blondes, blacks, a bunch of pretty fucking girls. Yeah, yeah. Because I was early.

So when I walk in, I tell the guy, he's like, Hey, Joey, how are you doing? Kiss it each, and he's talking to me in Italian. And I go, listen, bro, I just had the surgery. I'm fucked up. I came in here because the guy wants to see me. He goes, can you give us like 15 minutes? I go, okay.

So I go over to the side. I'm starting to get the effects of the Viking and shit. And all of a sudden he looks at the girl. The guy comes out next. Like this girl walks out and she's walking out like a cheek surrey like something happened. Oh God. Okay. It was Harvey Weinstein's office.

No, no, no, no, no, no. And the guy walks out and he goes, hi, Kate, hi, Niccolo. You know, like one of those French names to make you think that he's cool. And you're like, I feel so warm. And he looked at the girl. I was maybe seven feet away. It was a small place. And he goes, you do know the scene is atoplin scene.

And you have no problem with drugs. He's like, now I didn't read the whole script at that time. No problem with drugs? Drugs. Okay. And she goes, no, no, no. You can do drugs around me. Okay, because the scene that we're hiring you for is a big drug scene.

This is the party night, so you have to be topless. Oh, my God. And then he looks and he goes, do you mind if a guy does cocaine off one of your breasts? And this girl, and I'm sitting there going. Joey's like, take me head. Take me a. No, no, no, no, no. I'm sitting there going, honey.

Here's what I said to you, Kate, as your fucking uncle. Yeah. But I say, do you never show that monkey until the end? Hell no. Like, that's the ace. That's the ace. That's the ace. I agree.

But you're not going to see you in the small 50 hours. And I'm looking at the girl going, you want to say something. Don't go, don't go. It's a small 50. She's young and Newtown. It's a small 50. That's it.

So I sat there and I watched three girls go in and all three of them like, oh, yeah, we know it's a top scene. This movie's a movie's. gonna be huge and I'm like oh no no I remember going in there and fucking dying like I was so high and they're like well he just had surgery thank you for coming down then they called me and they gave me the dates and I fucking said listen bro I I'm so sorry but my manager called me with something I got 11 days on the movie when you're sharing you was like oh my fucking god I had a fight to get you you piece of shit fight to get fuck that guy they wanted James

con. Like one of those assholes. But I'm going, I wanted to go with you because I believe in you. I saw you in the longest show. I'm like, listen, bro, I got to go. So I get out the phone. And the next day, that night, I got a call. And this is this guy, Tony something.

Tony Russo, he was in Splash. He was the big Italian guy in Splash. And over the years, he had a great resume. I didn't even know he died. He died like three years ago. He calls me at night. And he goes, Joey, did you tell those people to go fuck themselves? else because they call me with the row and I'm thinking what happened to James

con yeah right exactly so whatever and we talked for a little while and I go how is he goes bro I don't know about this I think I made a mistake is that why you didn't do and I go yeah I go I think it's a mistake why would anyone do it for $50 and he goes and this guy was for real this guy had done big movies he had just he did something with Brad Pitt I mean this guy was the real deal he had been out here since 83 and he booked uh splash with uh with Tom Hanks. Why would he say yes? Because he figured he needed to work.

Work, those old timers, their mentality's work is work. Take anything. Like, I used to do all that work with Dean Kane. Dean Kane works for 10 days for $100 a day. Then he'll work for another 10 days on the movie for $150 a day, plus a producer credit. So he makes money on the back end. But then he'll go for four days and work on a movie that pays him scale plus 20%.

So he just works. Yeah. That's what a real actor does. And their mind, they take everything. If it's a role, they can do something with. That's so crazy. So, you know, I talked to him about a week later. He called me.

He goes, hey, bro, you got a crystal ball. And I go, why? He goes, oh, my God. He goes, it was a horror show. And they were cheaper than fuck. He goes, one day they had no water. No. And they wouldn't give out water, so three of the actors quit.

It's crazy that you went on the audition so high. And the guy, but I wasn't, by that, by the time I went on the audition, The cocaine wasn't even in my system. The pills were starting to kick in, but I was still high from the amnesia. That's what I'm saying. Like, I had my boobs done. Like, I know how you are.

I was high. I did the surgery, seven, ten. I was out of surgery three, maybe four hours. And I'm walking around. But that's what I love about you is you were so hungry even then, like you'd already done shit. Yeah, I didn't get my fucking hungry. Do you know that after, you know, I got my left boob done three times.

Have I ever told you this story? No, I didn't know that. Yeah. So I got my boobs done. I talk about this on stage, but I never talked about it seriously. I had so many problems. Hold on. Hold on. What?

Let me tell you what really happened. So I go, Russo, why was it so bad? He goes, beside. He goes, I'm a dad. He goes, I got two daughters. I got a son. He goes, you have no idea what they were doing to the girls. I go, what happened?

He goes, there's a scene with the party scene that I told you. He goes, he had all these young girls, topless, cameras everywhere. And he's yelling at him. Come on, girls. This movie's going to be bigger than the Sopranos. This is the real deal. Shake those tits. Let them snort coke off your tits.

Let them grab your tits. Squeeze those fucking tetties. Squeeze them, you fucking fad. He was just doing this for his own spank, bang. I don't know. I don't know. Listen, the movie never got it. Of course not.

Nothing ever happened with this fucking movie. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. No screen. Because I kept in touch with him. I'd see him an audition.

and bust his balls. How was that fucking movie? He goes, bro, I never even heard from those people again. That movie never got finished. That movie never got done. I've gotten hired on stuff like that, and I just walk off. The minute I start to see it turn shady, I just walk off. That's why I can't relate to a lot of these women now that are coming out.

Like, I did five movies with this guy who harassed me. I'm like, I don't understand that because as soon as I see any sign of that, just leave. Literally just leave. I've had guys where I have a meeting in a hotel lobby, and then the guys, like, we're going to do this in my room. And I'm like, no, we're fucking not.

Why do we do this in your room? And I just walk away. But I had, when I got my boobs done, that's what I was going to tell you. When I got my boobs done, I had to have one, are you okay? Yeah. Okay. I had to have one redone three times. I can't believe you didn't know this because I had, like, scar tissue was building up in the left

boob. So I kept having to get it redone. And I hired, like, a Beverly Hills surgeon. So the first time I got it redone, I paid for it. The second time I told him I have my show on Playboy Channel at time, and he tried to charge me full price again. And I was like, if you want me to pay for this, I will. But on my show, I'm going to talk about it.

And I'm going to say your name. And I'm going to talk about like how I keep having to get my boobre done and how it's been botched by this doctor. And I thought like Asians were the best surgeons, but you're doing a horrible job. So he redid it for me for free that time, right? But here's the thing. After the third time, I had a blood bag. Have you ever had surgery where you had to have a blood bag?

Like a drainage bag? No, I wouldn't have the surgery. I didn't know I was going to have it. It never happened before. Dude, I had a fucking tube, a drain tube coming from my boob, out my armpit, with a sack hanging off of it that I had to empty twice a day that would fill up with pus and blood, okay? But wait, I know you don't like blood, but the story has a point. And tit blood.

And tip blood. That's fucked up. And by the way, it was supposed to only be there for a week. And then they were going to take it off me. And then for some reason, I just kept draining too much. They can't take it off you until you're draining less than some certain amount of day, like two ounces or whatever. And I was filling the bags still like two weeks later. And the doctor was like, we don't understand what's happening.

But we can't take it out. So for like two weeks, I'm walking around with a fucking blood. I had to hide it, but a blood sack. Okay. So I can't shower. myself. I didn't want to cancel my spots. I was doing stand-up. This was only like five, four years ago, maybe. So I didn't want to cancel my spots. So I was going on stage, like the Hollywood Improv, like the comedy store, no one knew with this sack of blood hanging out of my armpit performing. I couldn't

gesture with my left arm at all. And then I had no boyfriend and I couldn't shower myself. So I called my ex-boyfriend and I asked him to come over and help me like shower. every couple nights and this is when I learned that men are like absolute fiends for sex because he came over I'm so gross I haven't showered in days that's how we want I'm sweaty helpless stinky I have a sack of pus oh yeah what do you do if you would if you had seen like a girl and you took the shirt off and there's a blood yeah you don't know and I drink it get a hot on it you're not fucker with a pussy like a like a locksmith you understand no you don't you you you say

You said you hate blood. Listen to me. If I take your shirt off and I see a pus blood sack, I'm going to punch you like T.J. Miller. You understand me out? Right in the fucking mouth. Oh, my God. TJ, I love you.

I love you too. So here's the thing. So my ex at the time, he starts to like, and I have bandages over my boobs still, stitches in one boob. And then my ex, he's like cleaning me off. I smell. And then he goes, is it weird that this is turning me on? And I was like, yeah, I'm fucking disgusting.

I'm disgusting. I'm a pus bag hanging off me. And he was like, can I fuck you? And then I didn't even want to, but I felt like I owed him because he's taking care of me. So I was like, I guess so. I wasn't supposed to have sex for a month. So I was like, you can, but you ought to be slow. You can't raise my heart rate or the stitches my bust.

So I let him fuck me with like four day dirty hair. and a pus bag hanging out and I was smelly and gross. I hadn't shaved. And he enjoyed it though, I think so. I'm telling you, he took that condom off and sniffed it for a month. That pussy smelled like fucking...

But that's when I learned because you know how girls are always like... Like when I go out, if I don't want to fuck a guy, I don't shave my legs. I'm like, there's no way I'll fuck him with hairy legs. As if like that's going to stop any man. We don't give a fuck. What turns a man on the most? Dirty women?

Are you ready? Nope. What? If your man hasn't given you a stamina or two, ladies, write this down from your uncle Joey. Oh, God, I'm afraid. Go to bed early and wake up the next morning and call up and talking you got the flu and moaning grown. Nothing turns a man on. Then when you're sick? Than when a woman's sick.

What are you talking about? I'm not sure. I'm telling you. As soon as your wife tells you, she's a little sick, you want to give her a little tuttoots. Why? Because there's something about a sick woman. You know what I'm saying? It just makes you wrong.

Joey's like walking through the cancer war to the hospital just with a hard boner. Giving out dick and chemo pills. You know what the fuck are you? In charity he does? Do you know what really turns me on the most when a guy's really, really, really, really mad at me? When he's so mad at me, he wants to kill me. That's when I want to fuck the most. I love to, like, I love when a guy is so mad at me, never wants to see me again because I know on the inside he wants to fuck the shit out of me.

And that's when I want him to do it the most. Like punishment. Amelia used to tell you all these rules. Kate wants you to pull her hair and shipping you get wrist stab and all this. This is, Kay the fuck, you leave. You take Kate home tonight. You got to punch in the neck. You got to just throw a jab, right?

Like a stiff fucking overhead jab. That's the saddest part of it. At what point during the sex do you throw the jab? Is it like, right? I don't want to. As an opener. Wait a minute. No one said jab.

Listen to me. No, no, no. You go back to that little holiday in over there across the street. Yeah. And when she closes the door, she's going to ask to go to the bathroom. Right. As soon as she comes out of the bathroom before you... I'm hiding right there.

Boom. No, no, no. You have to drink in your left hand. She goes together. You smack up with the right hand. And then throw the drink on her face. Open hand slaps. Open hand slaps.

No punching. No punching. We don't condone punching. And you throw the drink on her face and go tell her, go make me another drink. Oh, my God. And do a Dustin Hoffman. Rub my feet. You know what I'm saying?

I'm in the mood for a foot rub in a Dustin Hoffman movie. All these stories that are coming out. Like, a lot of them are bad. Are you going to like, what? You're like, yeah, it's true. That's like, exactly.

I don't want to get, I can't argue that. I mean, I don't want to get punched by a guy coming out of a bathroom. But I'm not going to lie. Like, oh, God, I'm afraid to say this. This is why your podcast freaks me out because I get so buzzed, I tell the whole truth.

But when I read TJ's story, this morning. You masturbate. The first thing I thought, it said, it said, the girl said he choked me out and punched me in the face and I was like, God, I kind of want to fuck him now. That's a party. Consensually. That's a party right there. I know.

Women love when you choke him and fucking poke him in the eye. Not poke him in the eye. Unless it's with your dick. I used to have a girl that I'd poke her in one eye. What are you talking about? Just a fucking vision. With your finger? Yeah. Okay. I have a question now. So I haven't been single for a while. But you don't say.

Right. You've been off the market. She's wanted you for three fucking years. I know, man. And you've been off the market. What can I say? I heard about your huge cock, too. Joey told me.

He's a savage. I don't tell you that. Well, he said that he heard it. I don't know nothing about cocks. I don't know about much of God. I don't go on med dates. You know what I got clashed. Joey's never seen my penis.

You know, but I don't look, not. I look straight ahead. You know, I don't want to see over the dick. I'm in the prison. I didn't see a dick. What? see one. Come on.

I went to prison and see one dick. You have to see at least a dick. Nothing. I don't know. There's no way you've never seen a dick. I don't know nothing. All right, fine. I saw my stepfather's dick when I was like eight.

And that's all the dick. That explains a lot. When I watch porn, the dick comes out. I got it's uncomfortable. You know what? I send guys like porn tapes of me fucking, but I do P-O-V from my angle, so they only see the man. I don't want to see that at all. That's all my porn collection.

It's just me fucking holding a camera. and it's just the guy. Guys love it. No, they don't. What was your question? Okay, and I don't even like the joking of the smacking thing, but let's say I did. In this, like, world we live in today, like, how do you, you can't just go for it? Because, like, what if the girl's, like...

It's so funny you're saying that, because I was just saying to my friend the other day. I was like, I really want to shoot a sketch where a guy and a girl start to have sex. And then, like, every step of the way, like, some lawyer pops out. out of a side room with a contract to, like, have the girl sign and notate, like, each, like, it's okay to fuck me, but if you touch my asshole, then that's, like, it's just guys now are afraid. Like, listen to you. You're like, well, what if I choke her?

And then that's too far. Like, you're actually afraid of a girl will. I'll tell you something. I never even heard of choking somebody. What? I never heard of none of these things. I was, like, really naive when it came to that. Until when?

Until I started dating a fucking lunatic. And then you start dating a couple lunatics. I became a comic and started dating lunatics. Define lunatic, Joey. Lunatics, just women outside the norm. You meet them and after two weeks, you know that you like them. You're in love with them, but this ain't going to go no way. She's too far.

I can't bring this bitch home. She's crazy. She'll fuck my grandfather by mistake. Oh, my God. You know what I'm saying? In the middle of the night, she'll suck my grandfather's dead. And my grandfather's dead. She'll suck his dead.

Oh, God. You just know. You just know. And it's not a trust thing. They're just lunatics. this is going to be I mean I hope you always you always go I'm optimistic

maybe but she's fucking nuts so I met a bunch of women like that in a row that just illuminated me to the world of choking and smack me in the face and I remember the first time like a girl asked you to choke her

like everything everything I've ever done is because somebody asked me so you never had the impulse to just naturally knock somebody out no not not going to out but like choke them a little or be like really like I mean I just didn't like it interesting some guys don't if you if you coke me up and drink me up at four or five in the morning when I'm trying to get my dick hard and shit I'll have to throw a couple left hooks at you you know smacks to the

like smacks to the face open handed and it was weird it took this girl close to four years for me to hit her how she wanted me you're only supposed to smack to like slap a girl the way like Your parents spanked you when you were a kid. Like they didn't really want to. It wasn't that hard, but they did it because they knew they had to. This girl wanted me to fucking smack her. Hard? Yeah.

Like in the cheek. Like fucking bopper. Like I would take my dick out of the mouth and just hit her in the face like a fucking, boom, and bounce it off her face. Her face is like one of those bagged boxers. I love it. I would shove it and then pull it out of a fucking mouth and tell her, you like that dick you fucking twist the head.

Twister head. You like this? Like this all twisted like. and you put them back in the, you know, she was, that's what she wanted, though. But I don't even know, I did not know that existed. I don't like to have to ask for it, though. That's the thing.

Like, if I have to ask for it, here's the problem. The guys that do it naturally that just, like, want to do it, because they want to, like, choke the shit out of you and they're, like, angry at women, those aren't usually good men to date. And the guys you have to ask for it, they never do it like they really want to and you know it. So it doesn't really work.

I could do it if I'm lunatically, choked up with that. So you don't choke your wife? No, are you fucking crazy? I don't know. No, no, no, no, no. Lead, you never choke, right? No, she'd kill me.

But here's that. I have no, like, that's the thing. Like, who, I have no interest in choking anybody. All right, let's say I took a girl home. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I'd take it home. We'd do some coke. We'd talk a little bit.

And then the fucking shirt would come off. I'd suck your tities. Okay, take the pants off, you know, the whole fucking stupidity thing. I would eat your pussy, you know, put my dick in your mouth, fuck you, eat your ass. I get it. I flip you over and eat your ass. I would, I would machine gun your ass with my tongue.

Thank you for the visual. And then grab you with two finger louis and scrape the bottom of your pussy. So we go, and you lick that fucking asshole. And if you don't, and that doesn't drive them to say, just put it in my ass. You have to be a gentleman and go. And then the middle of it go,

Spitting their ass all Spitting their ass all You're so gentlemanly You gotta spit their ass on go Don't ever do that again Hold down one second I'm gonna stick it in your ass If she goes no

No no no no no no no That's where it ends I would never pop it in your ass Just because it was sticking that I would always lick it Manipulate it I would always at least work that pussy To where you go

You're driving me crazy with those gorilla fingers pop that fucking Cuban egg grill in my asshole but if you don't say it I'm gonna just go Jane I'm gonna put my dick in your ass and you're gonna go no you're not

and that's where it ends and I'll put it back in your I take my fingers out and slamming in your little monk wall I'm afraid to talk about this because it's a very It's a touchy topic This is the Christmas special

I'm gonna make This is a disclaimer to say that I'm not condoning this for other women, but like, I was so scared to take it in the butt. You know, I've only done it with one guy because of you, because you said no one would take me a dinner ever again. But I was really scared. So I kept telling that guy, no. Also, I was trying to save it for love. Like, I really wanted to save it for like my next husband. But this guy, you know, he kept kind of trying. And every time he'd try a little more and I'd say no, and he'd stop. And he'd try a little more. And I'd say no. And he'd stop.

And one night, I was like, I don't want to, I don't want to. And he was like, let me just try. And I was like, I don't want to. I don't want to. And then before I knew it, it was in there. Oh, yeah. Because now you already busted your hymen. You got no rubber band.

But what I'm saying is. We've got to replace the rubber band and tighten it. But you should never say, you should never do it when the girl's saying, no. He shouldn't have done that. But then once it was in there, I was like, oh, it's not that bad. And then it was kind of nice. So now I'm like, I should be mad at him for doing that. But in some ways, I'm kind of like, glad.

But he was very careful And I never knew what was happening The last two podcasts I'm gonna kill myself tomorrow If you're a professional Like I could slip in your ass He was a professional If you were coked up and were fucked up

And it's six, seven in the morning And I could tell I have you halfway there Why the morning? What's halfway there mean? Halfway there, I got two fingers in your pussy And I got my middle finger in your asshole And I'm licking around like a popsicle Okay

And I'm finger banging your pussy and your ass all at the same time in unison. Right. You're popping that ass. If you can't... That feels like the whole way there to me. Why does this always happen? And then you take those two fingers out and just chew on there and clip for a little while. True?

Yeah, like gnaw on it like a dog. I hope I can't hit by a car on the way home because I can't... This is the Christmas edition. You got a gnaw at that door. How old are you not? How old are you not? My mom would be so glad I'm not coming home. She'd be like, you know how a guilt trip you every year? Forget it.

Fucking drown yourself in the Pacific. 35. 35, okay. That's 15 years of dick and that fucking clit. What do you think happens? It gets softer. It gets tougher. But during my marriage, there wasn't a whole lot of dick.

That don't mean, though. It was really like four years. But you caught up. You made time for that. So the clit gets tougher like a. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does. No, it doesn't. I put coconut oil on it every day. Doesn't matter. Somebody's going to come along and give you a fucking stabbing for like a year. I hope so. I call the coconut dough a lot of you. And what do you think happens to your noodle?

It looks like beef jerky. And I can bite it. Once you get to be about 40, your noodles is going to be like beef jerky. Joey, you don't say that. No. No, it's not. I'm going to keep getting, listen, I'm going to get vaginal rejuvenation. Okay.

Here's what's going to happen. I'm never going to get shit done to my face. I'm just going to get shit done to my pussy. So it's like Benjamin Button, vagina. That's the plan for my vagina. By the time I'm 60, I'm going to have the pussy of like a 15 year old girl. In the face of a senior citizen. Keep telling yourself that. That's the book. Joey, anything can happen now with chemicals and I'm going to chemical peel my vagina. Oh, Jesus. Don't do anything to anything. Why not?

Joey said I'm going to look like beef jerky. What if the surgery goes wrong? How can it go wrong? Look, Joey got rid of his fat and he's fine. Yeah, but that's in his shoulder. That was a fat ball in my shoulder. I'd rather die in surgery than have beef jerky pussy. Oh, my God. Just a clit gets hard. I would rather die. Like, by the time you're 50, you can, like, do things to the clip.

Stop it. It one drops. How do you, do they replace the clip with something? What are you talking about? You know, you tough enough of your clip. You put crazy glue on it. No, don't. It gets tough, I swear to God.

You don't put crazy glue on it. I heard this on the streets. What are you talking about? Do you want a tough clip? I don't. I want to hear this. I think you wanted a soft clip. No, you want a medium-re.

You want it in the middle. A little menza men's, men-a-mort. Okay. You're a little tough on the outside. Al-Dente. And Al-Dente, a little fucking soft on the inside, you know what I'm saying? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What were you just saying the duty of your crazy glue? Yeah. Tell me. I don't understand. Hold, let me do some shout-outs. I'm talking about the table. Can I take a bathroom break? Yes, you can.

All right. I'll do the shout-out to you. Take your time, but hurry up. All right. Oh, my God. I'm going. Oh, God. Your clit hardens up.

I'm going to go super good at my pussy. Take your time, but hurry up, right? I'm trying to help her out, Lee. You're like... I'm like a fucking crystal ball. What? What? No, no. I was going to... It's like...

You're like a Christmas miracle or something. You're going to eat this mushroom with me? No, I'm okay. All these people wait for you to eat the miracle. That's okay. They eat the fucking mushroom with your uncle Joey. You don't want to eat it. You leave me here.

You told me all day you're going to eat the mushroom. Let's get some shoutouts here. Forget fucking Lee. Johnny Lee. Baza O'Shea. Phil Drolette. Bo Tola. David Robertson.

Josh Kinney. Lorne Rosenker. My dog. Leon Vega slinging dick. And fucking taking Germans money. Little pancake. Be careful with the fucking edibles. And my man, Dom De Niro, always showing up.

on the job. You follow me? I also want to say happy holidays to everybody. Lee and me want to take a minute to the church family, extended church family, my Australian family, my fucking English family, UK, you know, Ireland.

Listen man, I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for supporting us all year. And I hope that you know, your fucking Christmas with your families are just tremendous. And if you're having a hard time, I want You just to fucking close your eyes and think about next Christmas

How good it's going to be you know everybody has tough Christmases So I hope that motivates you a little bit not to be down If you're if you're scared about what Christmas is going to feel like you know what? It's going to feel like any other Christmas however you want it to feel So go to dinner eat with your family no matter what go show up Be a bigger person don't be a mope like I did for years what do you think Cucksucker

Yeah I'm someone who is away from family For the holidays And you were very nice So you always invited me over for Thanksgiving And And Christmas and everything And

And But there's also I had some of my best times With people I work with We had potluck dinner So do stuff like that guys I mean it's It's tough being alone

And if you are alone You know what Go Make the best of it Go to a movie. I was just going to say, because I just... I used to fucking do the craziest fucking things when I was single. I just bought a movie pass.

$9.99 a month? A movie a day. That's it. $9.99 a month. You get one ticket to a movie a day. So you probably get three for your family. It's great. It pays for itself after one movie.

After two, three. And you could go to the Lemley? No. They go to a lot of places. I don't know about the Lemley, but maybe. You go to North Hollywood, though. Up here. Yeah.

The only place is the only place is that. I know that I checked was they don't go to, what was the nice one at Sherman Oaks? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I usually go to Hollywood or this one. Do they have Arclay? No, they don't have Arclay. No, fuck, no.

That's white people. That's fun. If you get that passed for $9.95, the people that go to Arklight don't even want to talk to, you know what I'm saying? Arklight, they fucking kill you going in. The fucking chicken sauce is sandwich, though. If you ever go to Arklight and Ollie I don't know if they still have it. It's been years for me.

But the chicken sauce is fucking sandwich with the country's chicken. Oh my God, Lisa. With mustard and onions, delicious. Whenever you go. Are you kidding? A odd dog in the fucking movie theater? But at least they try it to limelmy. They have a little chicken sauce. They got a couple things.

They bang you out the ass for it. Don't get me wrong. You're going to pay for it. I'm sorry. I just got a case of the food. fucking burps. I do like the way that because we went to see Coco the other day and I like, there's a couple theaters around here that have really nice

reclining chairs. Where's the regency? The regency? I bumped into a listener today at the car wash. I went, me and my wife went to wash our cars. They were fucking filthy from mercy colorings. Fucking apples. Fucking headshot.

No, no, she don't have head shots. What do you call those things? Sunglasses. I couldn't believe I don't know. His shirt was in both cars. Hold on. Hold on. Thank you. So he was saying that he goes to Regency Theater. I think it's in Burbank. It's an old theater. Oh, there's one in Van Nuke. That's a good one. The Van Nuys plant one, it's kind of a little bit. It's really high up in Van Nuys. Oh, wait. It's a movie theater? Yeah. Oh, oh. And then there's one in North Hollywood, Valley Plaza, Six.

Why are you talking about movie theater? Because he bought a pass. You go to a lot of movies? No. Really? I literally only go to movies when guys take me and that's very rare. You're another movie chick. It's not that I don't. I love movies.

I'm just so busy, honestly. I hardly ever have a night to go. I see more movies on the road when I'm by myself. Maybe I'll go like in a mall. That's pretty much it. Or I just Netflix stuff. I used to watch more. I used to love movies.

That's why I wanted to act because I love movies. And then slowly over time, I just got more into stand up. and I just hardly ever go to the movies now. I used to go to all the time. I haven't been on a movie and God knows how long. Are you a Star Wars guy? No. Oh, my God.

I was telling you this story earlier. I have to tell this because I want to know what people think because I think chicks will be on my side, okay? But I'm actually like still bitter about it. I wish I could say who it is so fucking bad. I dated a con. If you can't say what is, don't tell us. I kind of want, I think I may be can because he said on his podcast that he

fucked me. Did I ever tell you this story? Okay, fuck it. I'm going to tell it. He doesn't get so mad, but whatever. Okay. So years ago, this is years ago. I dated Bobby Lee years ago, right?

I would never have said it, except Bobby went on his podcast. I'm still mad. And he talked about fucking me. I never told a soul that we hooked up because I don't like people to know my business. But Bobby went on his podcast and he said that fucking me was like fucking Michael Phelps because I'm so athletic. And I was so sad. And then no one knew we fucked.

And the way that I found out is someone on my Instagram, people on my Instagram started calling me like Michael Phelps, said I had Michael Phelps ass and asked if I was like training for the Olympic swim team and shit. And that's how I found out that he told this story. Isn't that a compliment? Well, that's the thing. Is later he did an apology episode where he apologized and he said it's a compliment, you're athletic, whatever.

But I was pissed that he told that we fucked. So I never would name him. But now I feel like I can't, okay? But here's the thing. So, and I love Bobby, for the record. I really do. Who doesn't fucking love Bobby? And I love his girlfriend.

They're both awesome. Yeah, I love him. But, so. Did he come on here and say he sucks him, but he's dick? I know that someone asked him to. I don't know if he did it. He's crazy. I mean, he's a nut.

He's a fucking nut, but I love him. God, he's going to kill me for this. I'm so buzzed. Okay. So, long story short, I meet Bobby. I instantly loved him. People said shit to me, like, Why would you, Bobby Lee?

I'm like, he's so sweet and he's childlike and he's cool and he's funny. And at the time, I had just come out of the most, like, abusive, horrible relationship. And Bobby's, like, the complete opposite. You know, he just was so, like, affectionate and just awesome. He's an awesome guy. So I liked him. And we started hanging out. And he was just like, he was so into me.

Like, he drove all the way to Palm Springs to take me to lunch one day. I was, like, working a gig in Palm Springs. He just was, like, so. into me and he would like buy me gifts for no reason and he told all my girlfriends like comic friends like oh i'm so in love with your friend kate she's so amazing so it didn't even go on that long it's just a couple months you know a few months i don't know but one day we're hanging out and i mentioned i had never seen star wars any of them like i'd seen them they've been on in the background around my house my brother's a nerd but like i'd never sat down and watched one

So Bobby was like horrified He's like how could you never have seen that As just like a person like a comedian Like you need to see it And I was like well I saw space balls I like that like to me I got all the innuendo Like I get it He's like no you have to watch Star Wars

So one day I come over to his place We start watching Star Wars Part way in we kind of started fooling around Then we end up having sex right So we have sex We watch the rest of the movie after the movie, I wasn't that impressed.

It wasn't bad. I remember thinking Harrison Ford was really hot, and it wasn't terrible, but I just wasn't that into it. You know? Yeah. So afterwards, he's like, let's go get food. So we went to Greenblatt. We're sitting at Greenblatt, we eat,

and I will never forget it. Because it was the first time ever, I was out with him that he was on his phone, like the whole time. He never looked at his phone when we were together. He was just like, it was so obvious he lost all interest in me. He wasn't talking to me.

He's looking at his phone. And then he was like, so without even looking up, I remember, he's like, so what did you think of the movie? And then I was like, you know, I thought it was okay. I wasn't really my thing. It was fine, you know? And he was quiet, just quiet the whole meal. And then on the way home, he was like, I'm dropping him back off. I'm driving.

I'm dropping him back off at his place. And he's like, stop at this gas station. We're going to get cigarettes. I'm going to get cigarettes. We stop. He goes in to buy smokes. He comes. back out, opens my car door, and he's like, you know what? I'm just going to walk home. It's just a few

bucks, but I'll hit you out. I'll talk to you soon. And he left. And I never saw him again. We never hung out again. Like every once in a while, I would text him like, yo, what's going on? Are we, are we cool? Did you want to hang again? And he'd just be like really busy, really busy. And we never hung out again. And then finally, one day he said something like, I don't know, I just could never date a girl that doesn't appreciate Star Wars. Like, it was like Star Wars was like the end-all, be-all, which in hindsight, he was right anyway, because we never would have, we didn't have enough in common. Like, we really didn't.

But, like, Star Wars was the whole, like, deal breaker. Like, that was such a deal-breaker. There was nothing more humiliating than you loving a movie as a man. There is nothing more. Why? I don't know what it is. I don't know if this has happened to guys who listen to the podcast. you're in love with a movie

and you want to share it with the woman of your dreams. And she's not into it? At the end of the movie, she goes, you might as well tell us you have a headache the next six months.

Maybe it's a good test of a relationship if they don't love it. Because I just thought about that. But was there a movie that you could show your wife that if she didn't love it, you would have been like, it's over. Like my favorite movie

is the Big Lobowski, but if you didn't get it, I wouldn't be like, I can never fuck you again. I'd be like, that's weird. I've never heard people say something. Well, shit. I heard a woman say she was going on a date, you know. I got one of those internet dates and she noticed the guy was a Democrat, so she declined.

But he was perfect except for that. You know, you didn't even get to meet him. That's different. That's a whole, like, belief system. That's that. Well, I mean, I get it. I get it because in some ways, like, my brother is such a big, like, Star Trek, Star Wars nerd type guy that he could never date a girl that wasn't into that. Because it's almost like a religion.

Like, they would have nothing in common. As a man and a woman, listen, the best thing is, though, I can't fucking stand. Like, I don't fuck with Lee. I love Lee to death. What do you mean? I wish Lee would do different things because he's a Jew and he's a go-getter. but this is the only Jew I know that wants to relax he thinks that he deserves

he's the only Jew I know that this that wants to relax. He deserves to relax that the world owes it them to relax. So it's kind of funny. You feel like that? And I appreciate him, but like I don't, I would never bother Lee on a Sunday because if I go to Lee's house

and Lee and Paul have on New England, I'll fire Lee on the spot. What? Wait. If I go to Lee's house, on a Sunday. Yeah. And Lee and Paul, I have on New England sweatshirts.

Yeah. I'll file Lee on the spot. That's hilarious. Like, I don't pop, but... Because you hate the Patriots so much? No, no, no. Why? I don't understand.

Because, as a woman, I want you to have your own shit. Oh, you're saying if they have a matching shirts? Oh, yeah. I hate that. You ever go to a person? You ever go to a family's house, and it works vice versa. He's a fan of Texas. She's from fucking Jersey.

but all of a sudden she knows more about Texas and he does. And you feel bad, you're like, look at this dummy. She joined, gone on the meeting like, oh my God, what will we do if Texas loses? You're from Jersey, when you give a fuck? I hate when people... Like that shit, they adapt for a couple.

Yes, I hate that shit. I want you to say, you know what? I watch it with him because it makes him happy, but I don't really give a fuck what happens. You know what I'm saying? I don't even like when people... I don't even like when people put their couple photo as their, like when someone puts their couple photo

as their profile photo, on social media, I'm like, ugh, you just made yourself into two people. Like, that's so gross to me. Like, no matter how much- I love my wife. I love my wife. Of course. But I don't want, I want her to have, how views on stuff.

She's a person, you're a person. This times I walk into the living when she's watching something, I don't even jack the TV. Yeah. I go back to my office and I go, I go smoke pot. That's the way it should be. And I go, I know when she's done, then I go back in there. Can I tell you? I like that she gets up.

Yeah. I watch Spanish TV sometimes, and she'll sit for, 20 minutes and she gets the fuck out of that. She won't tell me to change that she hates this shit. That's why I watch it at night. Oh my God. I hate today, literally. I can't say who this is, but today I was Googling a friend of mine looking for a photo

of him because I'm going to have him on my podcast. And his Wikipedia came up and it was funny because I clicked on his ex-wife. He's divorced now. I clicked on his ex-wife because I was surprised she had a Wikipedia because she was just a regular girl. most people that have Wikipedia are, you know, like a public figure. So I clicked on it. And she was just listed as his ex-wife. And I was just thinking, like, how sad for, like, you to be a public figure, but you're only, your status or the reason you're known is so-and-so's wife.

Like, I would never want to be some guy's girlfriend, some guy's wife. Like, I always feel bad for girls at parties that are introduced as like, this is Jessica, so-and-so's girlfriend. Like, don't you just want to be Jessica the amazing publicist or the amazing writer, the whatever? Like, that really bothers me. But my mom was so independent that I have to be like,

I can't ever be half of a guy. I have to be my own person. Then the guy's like, whatever. He has his shit going. That's probably why I'm single, though. Guys hate independent women. You know, George Perez, you have him on here. I love George.

We're like super tight homies. George always says to me, Kate, one day I sent him a photo of me in a dress because I was trying to pick out a dress to wear to an event and I sent him like three dresses. I go, which one do you like? And he wrote back, I like this one because you look like a woman with no opinions. And it's a joke George and I have where he says, guys see you and they think you have too many opinions because you're smart. So you almost got to like have no opinions for a guy to want to be with you because guys get intimidated by like women that are their own person. Like your wife is a baller. So,

So that must turn you on that she's so like independent, smart and cool. You like that about her. It didn't make you run away. No. But were you always like that? Did you always like girls that had their own shit going? Or were you ever one of those guys that... I don't want you around me 24-7.

Oh, yeah. I don't want nobody around me 24-7. No. I don't want you holding on to my arm. I don't want you going to certain things with me. I'm the type of guy. I need to breathe for fucking 10 minutes. Do you guys ever disagree on?

major issues? Like, like, does your wife kind of have your same mindset when it comes to, like, society,

politics? Not at all. Really? Yeah, she's not allowed to talk politics at the table. Shut up.

Yeah. Because it's all, you'll fight? No, not that we fight. I just don't want to hear it. I don't give a fuck. I don't talk politics either. I don't give a fuck.

I really don't want to hear it. So if you're gonna keep talking to me about this, I'm deaf and one of here. I'm the same way. So I'll turn on the other fucking here. We talk about shit. I don't talk,

you know, I don't say nothing to her about shit that I know she doesn't want to hear And you have to know You have to know that like not everybody wants to hear your shit Not everybody wants to hear about your life Totally Some people just don't What the fuck's going on?

The Mars landing on the Marsden. I know what the fuck the landing there's a UFO coming down It just that's one of the things about a relationship that I always wanted to be in a relationship I also want to tell you I'm independent What it was independent does you know to see other people I don't know. What is independent that?

You're not going to come home? Independent is that... They think for them. I want you to do shit on Saturday. Were you friends? Yeah. Have your own life outside of you. On Saturday afternoon?

Yeah, Saturday night, we'll hook up. Yeah. But Saturday day, go do something. Go jump in a fucking lake. But that's what's so cool about you. Go do something. You can tell that you, like, respect women. But it took me fucking years.

Really? We were all jealous. You know, we're, We're all jealous, so we all have to come that obstacle in our manhood. You know, every guy is very jealous. Are they, do you think, at their base nature, I always wonder that. If you have to go somewhere on every Saturday at 2 o'clock, I'm going to ask you, my sister, so what do you do at your job?

And you're going to say, I meet this old guy and suck his dick, and it gives me the small 300. No. You don't know what I say that? Not many women have that job. That's a small, that's a select category. What I'm saying is it just takes levels. You know, I failed marriage the first time. I looked back at those failures to see what the fuck I had done wrong.

Me too. You know, my feelings would get hurt. If not, if she didn't like the same movie, but if she didn't want to talk to her about a certain subject, you know, my feelings would get hurt. And I'm like, wait a second. Why am I feeling is getting hurt? She don't want to hear about that shit. That's not her world. Interesting.

It's not her world. Yeah. Why would I impose my world on it? She's my wife. She's my girlfriend. Why don't I give a fuck? If she don't like it, you have to get over that. There's also something, too, like society says, like, your partner is supposed to be your best friend.

But I actually think, like, I talk to my girlfriends about shit that is girlfriend's shit. Like, guys don't want to talk to you about every fucking thing that goes on. So I try to reserve. Listen, there's no guy that gives a fuck about you around Oklahoma's foot problem. That's what I mean. That's like the shit you talk to your girlfriend about. If I come home from a hard day's work and you give me a kiss and while I'm eating you like, then I tell you about Aunt May.

First off, I need to take a shit. My balls are sweating and itchy. I just want to take a shit and jump in the shower. I'm going to be going to use toilet paper. I'm going to wash my ass in a fucking shower like a Puerto Rican bidet. Stop. And before I go in there, you're going to stop me with your bullshit. I hope you don't share a lufo with your life.

You're not going to tell me about your bullshit about your rant from Oklahoma's foot hurts. and she's got one bago, and you might have to, I don't give a fuck. I got shit on my mind. I'm trying to pay a mortgage. I read an article where they were like, the problem is women want men to be their best friend, but then also be a fucking savage.

Like, we want guys to be guys, but then we're starting to treat them like women. Don't read no articles, don't read no. I read all the articles, Joey. No, that's why. And I watch the videos. Listen, I'm doing better. I'm doing better.

I am. The last relationship, I cut it off at six months instead of a year. Oh, that's great. I'm getting so much better. Yeah, no, no, I can just imagine. I am, I'm telling you. You got to stop reading those magazines and go with your heart.

I read it. No, my heart is wrong. Because you let your pussy dominate everything. No, I let my brain. I overthink. Oh, please. I overthink. Like, if he doesn't send me a kiss you emoji, I think he hates me.

You see a dick with a tuxedo one. No. No. I'm very horny. I will admit, like, super horny. But you know I don't fuck that much. I've only had sex with like three guys this year. I know.

Or four. Three guys times eight. No. Three guys times eight, you're a fuck. You're an animal. I'm trying to think. You keep talking while I count the guys. I'm trying to think. Yeah, count them. Keep counting. No, I think you missed 20. No. It's what is this? What is this? It's December. It's the 12 month.

I'm trying to think. 12 times two, 36. I'll take the over. I'll take the over. Do we count one that like two times 12 is 24? Hold on. Wait, do we count one? Three a month. Do we count one? No. Not even close. That's 36. I'm taking the over. from under at 31 and a half. No, no, no, no, you know you're wrong. Give me a pen, please. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Come on a second. You're so off. My number's still

under 22. For the whole life? For my whole life. Oh, stop it, please. I swear hand of the Bible. You had 22 hand jobs. I think that's great. No, I can still, well, wait, we're talking about sex, right? I don't count a hand job. Hand jobs, blow jobs, blow licks.

I don't blow guys that I don't have sex with very often. All right. Once a dick comes out, it's over. I don't believe in bases. It's first. a home run for me, but until I'm sure I don't fuck them unless I know it's going to be one time and I've only done that twice. All right, so let's pretend two times a month

times 12 is 24 guys. The year started I still was 24 guys a year plus you slip a couple of dicks. You're stupid. There's only been 22. A couple Terry job grabs, Terry Cruz Jabs. Terry Cruz. How did he pop into this? I did not assault Terry Cruz.

So the Oman is 21 and a half. I think it's only like 22 lifetime. I'm telling you. I'm going to count. You keep talking about politics. Why are you insulting me 22 lifetime? I swear. I swear.

You're 37 years old. I can still name them all. Okay, hold on. No, I'm 35. How were you getting divorced? 30. It's only been five years. And there's only been like four or five a year.

Please. I swear. Four or five, please. One year there was a lot. Let me ask you a question. When you fucked Bobby Lee, did he smell Asian? Why did I bring this up? I'm going to kill myself.

Did you smell the tea? on his neck and shit like that. No, stop. Bobby smells great. He smells like essential oil. That's not what I heard. I never said a bad word about Bobby. Except for when he talked about me on this podcast,

only because I was pissed. And I called him. Dude, me and Bobby got into it. I never said shit. Actually, he smells really good. I heard you smell the, you said he smelled gooky. I never said that ever. I don't even know what that word means.

Yes, you do. I never said a bad word about Bobby. Be real. I never did. The only thing I said about you. He was in real. He was only two weeks ago. By the way, was he really? This is really what happened.

After that all went down, I was with Red Band, actually. I was hanging out with Red Band when it started to, like, pop up on the Instagram. I know you had a Menja Twan. I heard about it. No. Never. Six chicks and I have never done shit. We've been friends since jump.

Six chicks is not a Menageratua. Yeah. That three is a Menagerie. My bat is off. No. Brian and I have always been friends. We've always been friends. But, no, I was with Brian when all this shit started to come out.

because you know what else Bobby said? There's this Waka Flaka video that I did. Oh my goodness. Did you ever see the Waka Flaka video? It went so viral. It was literally on like TMZ, I think Entertainment Tonight. It was on everything. And basically it was backstage at Avian Awards.

Waka Flaco was the performer. I didn't know who he was. I'm so white. I know nothing. Like Jay Z could punch me and I wouldn't even know he was JZ. I mean, Waka Flaka to me was just a cute, tall rapper guy. We met backstage. he was like, let's get a picture.

And I said, let's do a funny video where you walk into that hallway and I'll come out and I'll like twerk on you, but really bad, like a shitty white girl dance move. And then you just look at me like I'm the biggest loser you've ever seen and walk away. And we won't tell anyone we're going to do it, right?

So we do this. I post it on my Instagram, walk a repost it. Everyone in the world thinks it's real. It went so viral. It still pops up. was now like almost two and a half three years ago, it still pops up all the time on like the most embarrassing moments of all time on the internet because everyone thought I was just like a

drunk, pathetic fan trying to get his attention but horrible at dancing. And women were so angry because he's married. Women were like, they made it into a race war online. People were like, this is why black men get accused of raping white women. This ho is trying to fuck walka. His wife was, his wife was there and knew we did it and she was like hella cool but anyway bobby on his podcast because the video went so viral he brought it up and he said that it made me look racist he didn't know that it was staged so then red band called bobby and was like that shit was staged you shouldn't talk shit about kate then bobby called him and apologized the next day then he called me and apologize and then he did like an apology episode and then i saw him at the comedy store

a couple times after that and he wouldn't talk to me he would like run away like hey kate and dart off like he was afraid you do an episode to apologize for what to tell people his neck smell funny no his neck smells and bobby smells amazing his he smells like seriously he smells like

like Chinese oils like he wears like nice oily I don't know what it is he smells great and his girlfriend is stunning as you know but the point is she is stunning she's a good lady I texted him and I said hey when you see me at the comedy story you don't have to run away we're cool now I'm over it and give me a hug and say hi we can be friends and he texts me back yeah Kate we're going to be

great friends that was his reply and then since then actually when I've seen him he's been cooler but it's just funny because the whole thing is like way more awkward than it should be but I guess this isn't going to help this is probably going to fuel the awkwardness I love you that's what killed me about messing around at the comedy store because you have to see these people. You have to keep seeing them like comics. That's why I try not to date comics anymore. Oh my God, because now you've got to see him.

Yep. And now you got to see him. But now it's fine for a long time. But I won't lie, it's still weird. Like if I'm on stage and he walks in the room, I'll at least notice. Like, it does change the dynamic when you hook up with a comic. That's why I try so hard not to. The last guy dated was a comic.

But when I met him, I didn't know he was a comic, really. I thought he was just more of an actor. Then all of a sudden I was like, ugh, he's a comic, like a real comic. He's like everywhere. And then I wanted to kill myself. So life is great. What are you?

Happy holidays. What are your plans for next year, my love? For 2018. What do you want to know, 2018? You know what? I just, I almost don't want to jinx it. It makes me, I always feel weird talking about things that are like supposed to happen, but I just.

I'm working on a book and I got a good book thing going. that I'm really excited about. And I want to bring back the Hollywood pool party. I think I'm going to do it with all things comedy. We're talking about that. And then I have a couple. Oh, my podcast, date fails, is actually doing awesome. I still have to have you guys on.

I want to have you guys on it. I haven't had you. And I've got tons of road dates, which is awesome. Like I'm actually, I'm going to be in Vegas with Dom. I'm with Domerara at the Laugh Factory, December 26th through the, through New years. And then I've got tons of headlining road dates. Are you doing New Year's Eve?

Yeah, we're doing New Year's Eve at the Vegas Lafactor. It's going to be so fun. Really? Yeah, yeah, it'll be great time. And actually, Jack Jr. is there with Adam Hunter playing L.A. comedy clubs. So, like, we're all going to party together in Vegas. It's going to be awesome.

So I'll be there all week. And then next year, I got lots of road dates. It's nice because I'm getting a lot of headlining dates. And that's... What do you want to happen in 2018? I mean, career-wise? What would you like to book a pilot, a network pilot? I almost don't even want to put it out there,

because I feel like it jinks is it. It jinks is it to say it out loud, though. I meant jinx that jinks if you got something working. You don't want to jinx. No, but it jinks is. I feel weird. I want to get, I'll say this. I'll say this.

I want to get, I do. I do. It just makes me nervous to say it. But I want to, there's a show I'm trying to sell. I'd like to sell that. And I'm working on this book and I want to get the book done. I mean, they told me the timeline they gave me it should be done next year. So that would be dope.

And then comedy-wise, I mean, I just submitted my half hour to Comedy Central, so that would be awesome. But I'm thinking about, if it doesn't get on Comedy Central, I'm thinking about putting it on YouTube. Because I have a couple of bits on there that I think would do. You know, it's funny, we were talking about this, me and you. But it's almost like in some ways I feel like now the shit that goes viral is almost more beneficial than having something on a network like Netflix or HBO. Like I was just at Ontario Improv. I don't know if I told you this.

and Angela Johnson was coming up and they were telling me that Anthony Jeselnick had a weekend there and they said he did well with sales but then they put Angela Johnson's sales up and she sold out like two weekends in like 15 minutes or something and they said it's all like that viral that one bit so in my mind there's part of me that's like everyone's like I want the Comedy Central half hour

the Netflix special but part of me's like I have a couple bits I'm like let me explain some to you just because Comedy Central or Netflix does not take your special. It does not mean the end of the world, especially in today's climate. That's what I'm saying in some ways.

Today's climate is so internet that, you know what? Okay, so you book a half on for comedy central. It almost doesn't matter. Okay, you're on a Friday night at one time, then they'll play it against Saturday at midnight. Yep. And it goes bye-bye. Then people have to look it up and blah, blah, blah.

So it's not all it's cracked up to be. You take that half hour cut into really put focus on your YouTube page before you release the video. Six months of good focus on your YouTube page. You know what? Here's the problem. I think you're so right. This is what the problem is. I've seen millions of people trying to shoot that video that goes viral.

And you know what, bro? You don't have a big window because after a while, you just become annoying. You're right. I saw it happen with Joey Karate. And I try to tell people all the time. people beg, do bring it back. It's that I saw the numbers decline. Yeah. And after a while, you look desperate. So knock it off. But you know what else is, I mean, I don't know, a lot of people don't realize, but because these younger kids growing up, all they watch is YouTube.

That's all they watch. That's Lee. Lee knows. Lee spoke about it two weeks ago on the podcast. Yeah. I mean, I did the Avian Awards. I had a show on the Playboy channel for two seasons. I had an MTV show. I had all this. Oh, I was on Josh Wolf's show on. CMT. Nothing matters now compared to the internet. Yeah, but I was going to say... If it's streaming, if you did the dumbest show, if you did Mark Marin, it streams,

that beats all that shit on TV. That's what I was going to say. Like once, at least once every three or four days, I'll get recognized from All Deaf Digital, which is just a YouTube channel. But they have like 2 million subscribers, and I work with them a lot. I get recognized more from that,

from this podcast, from my podcast, more than anything. Anything else. And Instagram. Like, Instagram. is like as powerful as a TV channel at this point. I auditioned for Netflix. I love to get it.

I put my time in. I'm asking for a half-hour. If they don't give it to me, I will not be mad at all. It will not hurt my feelings. Yeah. Because I know there's so many other avenues. And you can monetize it on a billion different channels.

I know I can get it out there. Yeah. Exactly. You know, you shoot it, but nothing happens, you put it on YouTube. I mean, that's it. All these people you talk to now are all, they're all chasing the same nickel. That's kind of why, like, it's when people are like, what is your goal? I'm almost embarrassed to say it because it's not like necessarily like, oh, one hour special,

but it's more like this year I'm headlining a bunch of dates. My goal is to sell out those shows. And however that happens, like if it's putting a viral video out, if it's continuing to grow my Instagram, If it's my podcast growing. I just want to keep becoming more known and respected. That's like... And narrow it down now. Yeah.

Narrow it down and write it down. It's not about that just to become a better comic. Well, that's like always the goal. That's the number one thing. They become a better comic, a little sharper in my writing up. Yep. You know, it's so weird how you have to look. I'm so happy.

That and quit drinking. That I took these weeks off just to really reflect on what material I was doing. I'm glad you did, too. Yeah, because you know. never know. You get into a rut, man, and you have to perform. But also, you have to perform. Life is short. You have to perform. But no, it's not that life is short. It's that you want to come out with something new and fresh. So you take a couple weeks off, you get entertained,

and you let the new you come up with those thoughts. Maybe you're saying something. You shouldn't be fucking saying because it's not really the new, it's not really where you are. It changes things, too. You get out of your usual fucking groundhog. day routine. You know, Lee a couple weeks ago asked me a couple months ago, and I almost fucking stabbed them. He goes, do you ever believe in taking a week off? Taking time off?

You never take time off. No, I don't believe in it. I talk about you to people because I literally, like, you know, I... I'm taking time off from stand-up. Yeah. But I'm writing a book. You don't take time off. No.

I take, I'm writing 500 words a day. I'm trying to write a fucking sitcom with my buddy on the phone every day. Yep. You know, I'm trying to tighten up the podcast and tight, getting up January and end the year next week. You know, you have other avenues just because I'm not doing stand-up. Exactly. Doesn't mean when I get up at 5.30 and I put that coffee out, I drink water now.

First, I drink a glass of cold water to get my body going. Then I go in, I hang out for a while. I smoke some ref and I drink some coffee. I'm going to come do a morning joint with you. Oh, my God. One time. And then, by that time, everybody's fucking up tormenting me, asking me questions and shit. And then, but what was the point?

The point is how hard to work and how you know to take a week off. The whole time, like I sent emails out today. But you never take a vacation ever? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we're going away next week. You got to take vacations. We're going to Huntington Beach next week. Yeah, you got to.

Huntington Beach. I love you going to Huntington. That's like an hour away. Yeah, perfect. And it's a fucking, and it's a different world. I love Huntington. I really do. I know.

It's a different world. I love it there. I love the pier. It's a different world. What are you going to do down there? Who knows? Just hang out? Hang out.

I love that. Hang out. We're so close to Mexico. We do it all the time. Because now she gets car sick. Listen, you get on the plane. The child gets car sick. The child.

So I can't take it long in a fucking hour because now we've got to change her and shit. I'm not doing that no more. So, you know, we made plans to fly to different places. But my ear is fucked up. So we were going to go to Denver in February.

I was going to do the Comedy Works. And then from there, meet down in Aspen. And do the last week of fucking February and asking gangster style. That would be so funny. Go snowing or snowboarding. You take her? No, I can't. 55.

Why? I'm going to just put her on the fucking slope. I'm coming with you. I'm putting her on the slopes to baby and let her be a fucking snow bunny for a few days. Oh, I want to come. And just get some food and relax. I was thinking about doing that. I got to do the fucking surgery and my ear.

And then so I'm like you. I'm in limbo too. I gotta wait to hear what they say I only got a week a month until June I didn't book heavy at all At all at all Just to keep everybody happy Yeah

Yeah man But it also makes you better You change things up No and I didn't know about this guys And I didn't know about this I'm learning about this now You every once in a while You gotta take a minute and look back and reflect

And I haven't reflect this since I got out of prison You know what I'm saying You also got to go away Like that Thanksgiving I talked about, I mean, it was just a holiday, but I just didn't give a fuck about like work, my phone, social media. I just spent a day just chilling and having fun. And I swear, I felt like I went to rehab for a month. Like I just felt so refreshed from one day of just chilling. Yeah, I might do social media tomorrow and I'm done until Tuesday.

No. Yeah. Why? What were you doing? Good for you. What are you doing on social media Friday? if you're anybody have you got a family

if you're legit you ain't gonna be on a social Joey you don't have a family to be legit I don't have a family I have nothing I'm talking about if you're not

listen if by Friday if you're on fucking social media you better fucking figure something out I remember you and I got into this

that where was that casino we played together yeah because you were like you don't need to post so much you only get so many every tweet is money

you fucking tweet too much you're yelling at me I look at these people And I go, they tweet All day Some people About everything All fucking day

I don't tweet about everything It's constant 24 7 They're tweeting at people And you sit there and go When does this end Why? I just don't understand it sometimes

I know It goes on I remember I see people tweeting I'm like Why they fucking tweet I hate when people tweet me and stuff at me for no reason. Sometimes I'll be sitting outside smoking a joint.

I just look on Twitter and entertain myself. Guys tweet at me and they go, you're the worst feed I follow on Twitter. You suck. And I'm like, why do you follow me? Go away. I hate it. I hate when people criticize you follow.

Just go away. A river dirty to yourself. Take a fucking hike. Fuck off. I don't need you. That's right. It's Christmas bitches. Let me tell you something, man.

Yeah. And I didn't mean it. sense, but it's the truth, man. You cannot be on fucking social media a weekend. It's Christmas weekend. Turn the computer off. Who gives a fuck about podcast

or what fucking this guy had to say or that guy had to say, just fucking go for a walk and get some air into your fucking brain. And with that, again, we want to wish you a Merry Christmas. We will be back next week for one show only. Again, I want you to hang out.

and breathe a little bit. I'm going to shove four shows down your fucking gross. It's the holidays. If you're in the fucking house, it's time to get the fuck out of the house, bitch. You can't be in that house all fucking year. Nothing happens on the goddamn couch. So get your shit together.

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which is over, if you didn't write your Christmas list yet, go fuck yourself, all right, you're fucked up. But if you did write your Christmas list, you better tell Santa that he still owes your money and all you want for Christmas is a clean asshole. When you got excess pine cones, when you got excess pine cones hanging from your fucking asshole and some fudgy

pudding smeared all over your fucking fat fucking ass on holy night. You need a tushy bidet. That's right, bids. Bidges. Bidays are back. It'll clean your ass better than any toilet paper on the fucking market. Plus, you save trees, plus your finger don't go to the paper and your finger banging yourself. Now you got shit on your fingernail. Then you rub your kid's face and he gets pink eye. Who needs that shit? The Tushy Biday is the way to go. It uses clean water to spray your butt, sparkling clean,

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What? Just an asshole. Clean it in a white Christmas. You understand me? Your asshole will be tip-top magoo. Plus, it kills germs. It keeps the hemorrhoids away. Listen, this is the best gift you can give somebody.

I'm telling you right now. Listen, go to hellotushy.com right now. They got badeas, portable badays that started $69, okay? Santa could afford these. Stop wiping with fucking nasty toilet paper and get a clean asshole nice and clean. You dip your knucksack in there. You pull the

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whether you're the only little grandma's house for that fucking Christmas car. $5.00 in the grandma. Shub that $5 up your ass. I'm going to stay home on my portable bidet, smoke weed, and let that water. Put it in a little ma'am. Tinkle my asshole, you understand me? Go to

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I want to thank Kate Quigley. Thank you. I want to thank the Christ Killer, but most importantly, I want to thank you guys for being family all year and for being a great fucking audience and for letting us run our fucking craziness by you and for coming to the shows and for just all the support and love. I wish you, and Lee wishes you and Kate

from the bottom of my fucking comedian heart. And you know, I got nothing but heart. I wish you all a fucking merry, happy fucking Christmas, Hanukkah. What's the black one? Kwanza. Yes, sir. I'm the Japanese one. I'm coming deep at you motherfuckers.

You bottle my fat little chubby heart. Merry Christmas. Have a great holiday. And we'll see you next year to tip off the fucking new year, right? I love you. Stay black. Get ready for this fucking jam from Orange Juice Jones. Got some hot chocolate on the stove waiting for you.

Listen, first thing's first. Let me hang up that cold. Yeah. How's your day today? Did you miss me? You did. Yeah, I missed you too. I missed you so much.

I followed you. That's right. Now close your mouth because you cold busted. It's right. Now sit down here. Sit out here. So upset with you don't know what to do. My first impulse was to run up on you and do a ramble.

Whip out to jammy and flat blasts both of you. I ain't want to mess up this $3,700 Link's cone. So instead, I chill. Then I went to the bank. Took out every dime. And then I wouldn't cancel all those credit cards. All your charge counts.

Yeah. I stuck you up every piece of jewelry I ever bought you. Yeah, that's right. Everything. Everything. They fly with me. No, don't go looking in that closet. Because you ain't got nothing in.

Everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room. That's right. What was you thinking about? Huh? Who you're trying to prove? Huh? This is with a juice. I get your silk suits, Gucci handbags, blue diamonds, I gave you things that couldn't even pronounce.

Now I can't give you nothing but advice, because you're still young. That's right, you still young. I hope you learn a valuable lesson from all this, you know? You gonna find somebody like me one of these days. Until then, you know what you gotta do? You gotta get one out of here with that Alicat, Coen, Hush, puppy, shoo and crump cake I saw you with, because you dismissed. That's right.

Celer rabbit tricks are made for kids. Did you know that? You without me like cornflake without the milk It's my world, you're just a squirrel