The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #545 - Rudy Sarzo

Episode Date: December 28, 2017

Rudy Sarzo, Legendary Bass player who has played with, among others, The Guess Who, Ozzy Osbourne, and White Snake, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.ag - Join now and MYBookie.ag will match your deposit with up to a 50% bonus of your first deposit. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 12/27/17

Welcome to Podcastville and greetings and a happy new year from the church of what's happening now. This podcast is brought to you by MyBooky. Let me tell you something. Both seasons here and it's time to get it on the action with MyBooky. Are you sick and tired of getting the run around when you ask for a payout? Sign up at MyBooky.ag today and get paid fast when you win. MyBooky is your hookup for all your betting needs. So go to mybooky.orgia today.

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and collect on fucking Monday. And Sunday you get that little eight ball and hang out with you, that little girl you've been looking at. You know what I'm saying? Freak out with her. Play some Cosby. Anyway, number two, let me tell you something. The year went and went and whatever the fuck

happened happened, but 218's coming in with a fucking storm. And you want to be ready. You want your shoes shined. You want your fucking suit, dry cleaned. You want your eyebrows trimmed, your hair done. But most importantly, your asshole has to fucking clean. You want it to be at midnight.

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Four more days. Here we go. Kick that meal. This is when black people are black people. Wednesday, the 27th, December. Right on. 2017. It's almost over.

It's his fucking Christ. Rudy Sarzo in the house. The Christ Killer in the house. What were you telling me now? You used to play this song? Yeah, that was like the opening song of set number one, Ladies' Night, which was, usually Tuesday in Miami, free drinks for all the ladies.

So, you know, the ones where the drinking problem will show up like a first set, you know. And what happens is just a bunch of chicks. And they start dancing together, you know. And a couple of drinks later, it got interesting, you know. What year was this about? Yeah, it's about 70. That's when disco, 70, 71. Disco is kind of like it happened almost overnight, you know.

What happened was that all the big dance clubs in New York. And anything that happened in New York in the summertime, by the time the wintertime came, a lot of people, you know, snowbirds, they would migrate to Florida, Miami. So anything that was happening in New York in the summer, it would reinvent itself in South Florida and the wintertime. So all of a sudden, all, you know, it wasn't about bands anymore. And if you were a live band, you had to play what was being played at discos. And disco, you know, disco means record. you know places that just play records you know like DJs do now that was you know this like the beginning of the DJ basically and the chicks dug that because all they

wanted to do was just drink and dance and not have to deal with the with the guys like myself who wanted to pick them up you know we were just a nuisance to them you know it's crazy how I saw that the economy did great over the holidays retail picked up four percent fucking you know fucking on online and picked up 18% Rudy, what happened to the bar business in this country? The bar, I'd be married

for so long. I've been at a long time. From 70 to mid-85 1990, you went out seven nights a week. Like if you were, anything from 18 to fucking 30, you were

out seven nights a week. And then when you got that girlfriend, then you went out four nights. Yeah. But you went out Monday night for sure. Because it was Monday night football. If you were single, you went to Ladies' Night. And then Friday and Saturday. Absolutely.

You know, I stay at once in a while, I stay at a Holiday Inn. And holidays, back in the day, were notorious for happy hour. You know, where you actually, you know, you went in and you got some food for free. Happy Hour. You know, they fed you during Happy Hour. Which is, I think it was invented so people wouldn't drink. and, you know, like get off work and kind of like not go on the freeway, but get a couple of drinks before you drive, you know, just to calm yourself down after a hard day of work. And they will give you like these little sausages and, you know, just like finger food.

But when I was a starving musician, I used to live off that shit. Oh, my God, little pieces of cheese with crackers and shit. What's that, what's the spicy cheese that's got the. Halopinio. Pepper jack. Pepper jack. Pepper jack. That pepper jack gets old and shit and hard

And you'll still eat 10 pieces like you're fucking on a ship Belveda No, I would never eat fucking Velvita With chips on top of it Oh God, no, oh my God You know who had a happy owl? Believe it or not, you know what? One of the best happy hours, my mother.

Oh, yeah? That's how she transitioned The Irish to accept her. My mother put that bar there in 1958, 57. Wow. She had the other Spanish place down the block from her grammar school.

So when she opened up the bar, there was a kitchen in the back. And that, you know, my mother, I take a lot of her qualities. I like my food fresh, bro. I don't like old food. I could taste old food because I don't have it around me growing up.

So whatever my mom would make for lunch, she put on the line on a table at 5 o'clock. It was already cooked. Is that where's New York? This was in Union City. Union City, okay. So all those bus drivers would come in, eat lunch, because it was across the street from a bus station.

I know, yeah. And then that five o'clock they come in, I must eat that puycu black beans and rice. Bro, when you're white and you eat those black beans and rice, you lose your fucking mind. And I remember the projects were right across from the bus station. You're in Union City? Yeah, no, this is Bergen Lane Avenue.

This is Bergen Lane. Okay, okay, I got it. So you're talking about that back. I can't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's New York Avenue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's New York Avenue where you go around and on the corner there.

See, right there, my mom had that bar right there on the corner. Two doors down with Speakerman's Bakery. I don't eat sweet food because of that bakery because I used to go home and go to Speaker 1st, Haskerway, Chans. They had those cookies and the strawberry shirt cake like nobody made. People would, you go in there and take number 99, and they were up to number two. and everybody was getting a strawberry short cake. You went to church in the East Coast in those days

and stopped at the bakery. That's how I was raised. In church, you went to the bakery, you came home about fucking 1030, 13, 11, and then you ate whatever the fuck strawberry short. Not the Cuban side, my white side. After my mother died, that's how every fucking body I grew up with was raised. How expensive were drinks back then?

Because, like, honestly... A dollar. So what would that be, like a $5 drink today? something like that's like an $8 drink today fuck an $8 cocktail you know it's still cheap you gotta remember when I was in high school there was a place in niac New York that on Monday night football

did give you six bottles of bud for a dollar and the place would be fucking mobbed think about that six bottles and a bucket for a dollar we'd sit there with six people dollar debt dollar the debt we'd have buckets everywhere where it was dollar to death, dollar to debt. They didn't care leave.

They got you out. Ladies' night, what he's talking about. Look what he's talking. He's talking about a time when the alcohol was free to women. The whole eight. Yeah, no, from the bad. Probably from like, 8 to 11. Yeah, because they didn't give a fuck if you crashed in those days.

If you crash and went into a school of bus kids, they didn't give a fuck. They didn't even claim his he wasn't here. If he was seen leaving him, we don't give a fuck what you saw. Everybody was drunk. How did they remember nothing? Nobody gave a fuck in the 70s about that shit. it. When I came around in the early 80s, it was 50 cents a drink for ladies' nights. So you just gave a check. Come here. Here's a dollar. Go knock yourself out. Get me and you a drink.

Okay. Here's $2. What the fuck? It was 50 cents a drink. They don't have ladies night no more. No. That doesn't exist no more because they don't do it. I mean, every time I think to drink, I'll just be like, why am I? I just get a bottle and go home. Like, to me, there's never been like an incentive to go to a bar. Now, when I was a starving comic in Seattle, McCormick and Schmitz, I want to thank you. If anybody can knows anybody at McCormick and Smith's headquarters. Tell them they kept me in fucking, they kept me in fucking eating.

Because from two to five and from ten to close, they had a $2 menu, cheeseburger, fish and chips, a soda, a Coke and a bottle, those little ones, $2 a piece to run a happy hour. But you didn't give a fuck. I eat one of those. with water, clams on a half shell. That's a happy hour. You know, if Morton's had a happy hour

from 10 to 12, I'd be in there four nights a week. And they made like a milkshake, like a night night milkshake, like with a little bit of vodka in it, a little like a fucking Cocoa loco. I'd be in there four nights a week, 415 pounds I'd be right now. I wouldn't give a fuck. Happy.

Happy hour. And then, as I got older, you know, kicked the happy hour into fucking high gear. The Sheridan, in Lynn Hurst, New Jersey. By 1985, what they put out, Rudy, would make you fucking, you would kill you.

Steak on a stick. Because now the happy hour got popular. So to get people there, why would I go to your barley? I got the same hot dogs here on a bun that you got at your shit hole. Well, fuck it, I got to lift my game up a little bit. So they would start getting like cheese steaks

and cutting them into little ones and then somebody fucking just started putting platters out. Linhurt Sheridan in 1985, bro. The Knicks would be there. And it wasn't even basketball season. So you guys would go to hotels in cities that you lived in just a drink? No, you found out. The word got out.

Listen, Wednesday night, there's a happy hour to Lynnhurst Sheridan. That fucking rocks, 5 o'clock. First time I went there that had steak, Chinese steak, like a... Yeah, beef on a stick. No, not beef on a stick. The other one, like steak with broccoli? Beef and broccoli. rice. They would cater shit every

fucking Wednesday from a different restaurant. Shit. I would go there and get a soda and eat like 10 plates of food. I was starving and shit. And how I knew about the place, a girl I knew, a house burned down, and the insurance put her in that hotel. And she would call me and go, I just

saw Lawrence Taylor downstairs. Come by. You're not going to believe this place. That was the extension of the half the hour. Fuck it. And then in Boulder, that was the best. Happy Hour. Wednesday night, they called it professional night. And they gave

away free shrimp. A shrimp that you took a chance eating. But that's what they were known for. If you ever go to Boulder, you go to one of the broker restaurants. They don't bring you bread. They bring you a shrimp bowl. Boulder, Colorado. Yeah. How did they get the shrimp there? I mean, it's like, it's nowhere to you're the ocean.

If you eat that shrimp, it's like buying a lottery ticket. You're taking your life in your own hands. You know what I'm saying? They got it out of Boulder reservoir. Those little ones, with the shell. So you had to desshell him. Yeah. Oh, my God.

So they'd bring you Lee. Lee, I'm fucking mercy. They'd bring you a bowl this big. The middle would have red sauce, and it would be fucking two inches of those shrimp, peeling each shrimp on a bed of ice. They didn't bring you bread. That's what they brought you.

And you would sit there with your date, dip, dip, dip. That reminds me of my father, first time he went to Las Vegas, the buffet. He never been to a buffet before. Oh, Cubans are going crazy. Imagine a Cuban at a buffet. Oh, no, they go crazy.

And it's usually like that. You know, you're talking about it. He'll go to the shrimp. The shrimp bowl. That's it. Load up the plate with shrimp. And he would sit there and start sweating because he just couldn't eat anymore.

He was full. But it's, you know, it's a buffet. It's all you can eat. It's a principal. And Cubans get mad at the white people for eating lettuce at a buffet. Me de Blanco. Me de comééééééé and salinas.

I'm here coming to me Camalach's from Katrina. shrimp with eyes and missing an eyeball and shit Katrina's shrimp but we're living like doctors we don't give a fuck Look at that white dude eating fucking salad Look at that fucking moron fuck him I'm overeating prime rib Oh man That's crazy that's the truth yeah that's how we think fuck him

Look at that white dude making toast Rudy said as he came in he's like The media we were talking about Cuban food He said the media no jessein which was because Your parents thought you would like Not suffocate Starved to that to death in the middle of the night?

What are you talking about? Yeah, well, you're sleeping. It's eight hours without food, so, you know, you're going to starve. So it's, so you eat a sandwich before. So that will take care of the next eight hours. I think I should, I was born to be Cuban. Lee, God forbid, you had a Cuban grandmother that lived in the house. She'd wake you up again.

That had, that you're her grandson, but you're her son's son. Uh-oh. So your mother naturally hates her. that bitch's job is just a fat new one. And she'll tell you your mother to go fuck herself. She's the only one I can tell you your mother. This is between me and my grandson. Get the fuck out of the room.

And your mother's looking at you're like, don't eat that fucking thing. And you're like, I'm a grandma, bitch. Tally-ho, right, grandma? Oh, my God. Cuban grandmothers will kill you, dog. Now you're bringing Noche de Buena. Yeah.

Noche Buena in Havana. Growing up in Havana. I was a little kid, and the first sign that you know it was going to be a rocking noce Juvena was the sound of the pig getting slaughtered, right? In the neighborhood, you know, we lived in the middle of Havana, and, you know, you would go down to like a lot, like an empty lot, and somebody would slaughter the pig right there. I mean, I'm not proud of that right now. No, that's what that's what is.

That's the way I was raised. And then, before you know it at night, They bring the whole pig with the pineapple or whatever apple in the mouth. And it still has like little hairs on the skin because they were not able to like shave it off completely. And you just pick the rind. Pork rind. I grew up on pork rind. You know, stuff that just horrifies me today.

But this is, this is how we grew up. With the fat attached to it. Oh, my God. Yeah. And you chew on that. And you chew on that as a kid. It's horrible. Oh, my God.

Yes. No, no, no, no. I wouldn't even think about it today. Yeah. Yeah, horrible, you know. But that's the way that we were brought up like that, you know. It's, in my house, it was a ceremony with the pig. Like, it was a ceremony, like, since I could remember, it was.

And I don't know if it was Norche, when there's New Year's or the night before Christmas? It's the night, it's Christmas Eve. Okay, so this is what they did in my house growing up. They went to the bar. They went into the afternoon, to the store, and killed the pig. they went to Marglinzano's they got the pig killed and it got delivered to my house already

and then at three my mother would come home with her girlfriends and take the guts out the whole thing and then lay it on a metal pan and marinated it but the marination took 10 hours so they'd snort coke and drink and marinate the pig and sing Christmas songs

and shit while they were fucked up and make eggnog and shit when I would wake up that morning the Christmas Eve morning they would be fucking lit they would be lit and they go go and come back and by the time you get back the pig will be ready they would you know marinate that thing for a fucking hours garlic garlic mojo mojo is yeah tell them how bad a Cuban refrigerator smells can you tell people like if you leave a soda in there and you're going to open it up even the metal stinks like

fucking garlic and shit yeah i can't drink this fucking soda how i taste is garlic moho is garlic Mojo is garlic and naraha agria. Yeah. Naraja agria, which is sour orange. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's the mojo. That's what gives it the flavor to the pig. Yeah. Yeah.

And they would sit there rubbing that motherfucker. Would that freak you as a kid seeing a pig? Like, you just learned about it? I wouldn't even look at it. I wouldn't even look at it. I wouldn't even look at it. I would look at the, like my mother would go, look at his teeth. And I fucking shit my pants. Ah!

And I run out of the house and shit. I come back 10 hours later, and that motherfucker was cooked to the gills with his eyeball still in and shit. And are these like family recipes, like that your moms have been passing down? Everybody has a different thing. I mean, it's just like a Hawaiian luau. They do the same thing. Right.

Yeah. This has been done by every fucking national alley. Oh, you know, but I'm just saying like... Cooking of a fucking, you know. Like each family probably has its own, like, different little take on it or... Because, like, I don't know, it's kind of cool. It's kind of cool thinking, oh, I didn't get this out of a cookbook. this is something that's been that my great-grandpa would taste it

know exactly what the fuck this is. It's handed down generations. And they each have their own fucking retarded way of doing it. You got to bring the pig in from the north or something. You know what I'm saying? Like it's always something. Like, no, no, no, he's got to come into the back door. You got to drag him to the back door.

He can't come into a pig. A pig can't come into the front door. He's got to come into the back door. What the fuck are you talking about? It doesn't matter. We don't have a back door. Put him to the back window. Lexington, you fucking got a pig committing suicide in the back with a noose around his neck

because you're fucking bringing them up to the fourth floor and shit. It's fucking crazy. It's fucking crazy. I got away from that shit early. By like the fifth grade, I was done. I was done with that Cuban shit. I had had it. I had it.

And then I would avoid all those things, but I would still go to my mother's bar because I'd make money up there. Those Cubans would always give you 20s on the holidays and 50s. So I go up there for a night and walk out of there with 400. For what? What do you have to do? Just hug people. Okay. Just hug them.

How are you doing? I'm available. Good to see. Oh, my God. You've gotten so big. Are you doing great in school? Yes. Here's 50.

And the drunken they got, the more jokes I told them, and the more 20s they'd give me. There was a couple bookies that would come in there that would go in there with pockets full of money. And I knew it. And I'd hit them up before they left. What's going on, Doug? Let me tell you a joke. How much for you to go away, little kid? 50.

Bang. Fifty. Whatever. 20. Then my mother would tell me next day. Like, how much did you get last night? I lied on. No fucking bullshit.

He gave you 100. He told me he gave you 100. Was there anything for New Year's Eve? Like, is this whole time of year big, or is it just Christmas? This is the Cuban holiday starts on the 17th of December because of St. Lazaro's birthday traditionally. It just goes from that. It's on December 4th.

It just goes. So December 4th kicks up. That kicks up for about three days. days, two days prior. People get prepped. And then once that cool down, the 17th opens up with St. Lazar, because you got any blood in your fucking veins. You just keep going until Christmas

fucking day with your kids. And then you go to the 7th of January. Cubans go to the 7th. Los Rio Mago. L'Rea Mago. Where's that one? That means you get cash on the 7th. I like that one.

I see, I knew it. Traditionally, it's the day that the Weissmen arrive. Okay. The manger. And they give you money for that? They give you money for them. They get frankincense and brer.

I'll take it. What else they give you? That's where the wise men brought in frankincense, mure and some some spices. It's great. It really is. I miss all that shit.

I don't miss the craziness that comes with it because that means that usually a relative comes to stay with you for 17 days who rat you out from all your little shit. You know what I'm saying? Like they're always up when you come in. You can't come in anymore with red eyes because they don't catch you because they watch TV in the lemon room. That's what I hated about that time of the year.

They always got a crazy relative that stay with you. That sucks ass. And do you guys miss it at all? Like as Christmas goes by, like this year I started thinking, like I miss, I went and saw this thing in Burbank. They were letting a menorah. And I was singing the songs. And it just brought me back for a second to like being a kid. I was like, oh, I can see what the benefit of this is.

If I miss that, I missed what I just told you because I didn't appreciate it while I was going through it. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like I didn't really, I looked at it for something different than what it was. You know, but I saw how much effort my mother put into December 4th. Yeah. And I saw how much effort she put into the holidays, like starting the 16th and the 17th. You have to stay up the third.

Like in my house, you'd have to stay up. to about one on the third and then you have to stay up to about one on the 16th but to bring in the 17th yeah and you have to stay up Christmas new year's got to stay up and what like what is Cuba like like during this time I can only imagine I don't even know you mean now or during this four week or party period you know we used to have carnivals a can now I called a compaisa compisa Compaza is like the big parade, you know, of like floats for a whole month, you know. And it was like the one in New Orleans, but every weekend for a whole month, like four them in a row every weekend, which led up to what you're talking about, you know, the celebrations

of Santa Barbara and everything, you know. But I don't think that they do that anymore in Cuba. Maybe now, because, you know, things might are changing a little bit. they're improving the conditions, but not for the last 50 years, you know. How fucking crazy is that that they can't live the way they lived down there? It drives them crazy. I have to call my fucking sister, Rudy. I don't do it because the conversation is always painful.

Yeah, I bet. You know, and she and I offered for how to come up to sponsor for a month. She said she was too old. She don't want to do it. Yeah. So what am I going to do? every day I go I got a call I don't fucking call it because

you know it's just one of those things that just bothers the fuck out of me you know I wish we were all together I just saw my other cousin my other cousin came up about a month ago and sold out the Teteran Vine I read her with a little Cuban band

and then my friend Stacy Pocoludo is going to New Year's for Christmas Christmas for New Year's and she's going to my cousin's bar the fuck the rear So she's going to say something to him I said you know say hello to him for me I talk more to his sister I'm like to I talk to Eki so

What are you gonna do you know what I'm saying? Yeah The best thing this week was you're fucking Hired Guns movie and shit Oh you got to watch that Fuck yeah I watched it twice Yeah It took a while like I knew it was out in Sacramento

That weekend I kept trying to go back to the hotel And watching it But I would get too stoned and pass out There's nothing worse than watching something When you're not going to be attentive no matter how bad you want to watch it no bad how bad you've been waiting for it if you're tired you're going to miss shit

you're not going to watch it right then you're going to go to bed knowing that you didn't even fucking finish it now you still get up again and have to watch it again so fuck it I just watch it like 6 o'clock when everything was ready I got nice and stoned and it was a world I knew of I didn't know it and I know there's more to that world so much there's so much more

to the hired gun world you know what I'm saying now when you were in quiet right you were not a hired. No. You were part of that bad. No, yeah. And even with Ozzy, you were really not a higher gun. Ozzy, I was, but White Snake sort of, yes, no.

It was in between, both, you know. You know, the whole term higher gun, basically, you know, everybody, even the Beatles, at one point, they were a higher gun. They were hired by this guy, Tony Sheridan. And they made a record, my Bonnie lies over the ocean, before they were signed as the Beatles. So everybody has a bit of history. Jimmy Hendricks was a higher gun for Little Richard, the Isley brothers, King Curtis, you know. Led Zeppelin, Jimmy Page, one of the most successful studio guitar players, John Paul Jones.

He was a conductor and a studio musician. So everybody has a bit of history. And people that do it, you know, let's say Steve Lukather with Toto, he played on all the Michael Jackson records as well, he was still a member of Toto. We are musicians. We love to play. Anytime that I get a phone call or nowadays a text or something, somebody asking me, hey, are you available?

And if it sounds like something that was going to be fun and quality, I'm there. Because I love to play music. You know, I'm one of those guys who's very blessed that I didn't not get to have to play the same 20 songs for the rest of my life, which is what I really wanted to do. But now that I look back and I go, man, I know guys who this is all they do, they do these 20 songs for the last 30 years. It's not a whole lot of fun, you know. That was one of the things about the documentary that struck me is that they weren't negative about it. But even, I forget the name of the person saying this, but they said plan A was to be like the headlining band.

And this was plan B for him. But to me, I don't know, the hired gun, almost. almost seems a little bit preferable in some ways to being like the band where you're out there and you have to play the same 20 or you're worried about things selling out. Like as a hired gun, you're just going there to play and you're done. Like that's what it seemed like to me is that you were paid to play and all the other stresses were gone. Yeah, I mean, there's some disadvantages about being a hired gun is because you're not really part of the, usually of the creative process because he's just hired after it's been created, you know,

or even a song's being written. You know, really get hired, you know, to have an opinion, basically. You get hired because there's a vision and you are going to fulfill that part of the vision the best to whoever's hiring you. You know, I say, okay, I have an idea who's going to be great for this. And you get that call, you know, basically. But having said that, being a member of band Like Quiet Riot,

it was really wonderful to be part of the creative process, too, that you really don't get to do that as a hired gun. So there's a hired gun usually. You get hired to go on the road to promote. Well, anything. It could be a tour. It could be to play on a record. I play on more records nowadays than I've ever had before for the simple fact that I have time.

The reason why I have time is because we, let's say right now, I'm in the guess who. And we do weekends. We go out and play, you know, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Sunday, we're not in a bus traveling around the country. We go home. When I go home, I play on people's records. Either go to the studio or they send me the tracks and I record them in my home studio. Very simple. Back in the day when I was in in Whitesnake, let's say, we would have four or five, at least four videos on MTV, which meant that every two or three months, they put out a new video, which meant that they extend. extend that your tour. We tour for a year and a half. By the time you got off the road for that tour, you're back into do pre-production for the next record and the next tour.

There was no time to do anything else for anybody else. So wait, does that mean you're on the road straight for a year and a half? Well, you will come home every eight weeks for about a week. Because it was done by legs. You would do like the East Coast. Then you took a break because even the crew, You know, you have to, it's not just a musician, it's the crew. They need to see their family, spend some time at home, you know.

And then we will get back together again. Because, again, you don't want to have too much of a break because if you do, you miss the crew is going to do something else. One week is enough for them. And then they start looking for work, you know, like. So if you took off like six weeks, well, you're going to lose your crew, you know, the people taking. That makes sense. Right.

So you keep it, you keep everybody busy, but sometimes. You know, a balance. It's very small balance, but at least, you know, nevertheless, you'll be considering everybody's needs. A year and a half. Yeah, a year and a half, yeah. Now, while you're on the road, were you writing also? We didn't have the technology that we have nowadays. Yeah, you come up with ideas and you put them in one of those voice, voice recorders, you know, with a tiny little.

That's the technology we had in the 80s. Those little cassette, micro-cassette recorder that you've got to. a radio shot? That was it. I mean, nowadays, you can actually make a record in one of these things, or an iPad, at least. You know, you hear like the old Sabbath albums. They were done while they were touring. Like the first, no, the second, third, and four. That was very popular. I played. While they were touring.

I played in bands that did that. When I played with Blue Oycer Cult, they used to do sessions during the week and go out during the weekend. And I believe the guess who did recordings like that. But see, I came in right at the very beginning of the MTV period. And those were massive tours, massive. When I was with Ozzy, both Blizzard of Oz and Diary of Immadmen were recorded before Tommy Alders and I joined the band. So we toured for Blizzard in the United States and Canada. Then we took a month off, just one month, and regrouped.

in the UK, and we went on we went out on tour. For the European and UK leg of Diary of a Madman, we didn't start touring Diary of a Madman until December 30 opening night, the Cow Palace in San Francisco. What year. In 1981, 1981. So in that, in 81, we actually, we did two tours in 81, back to back, for two records, two different records.

Blizzard took a month off, came back in a late October, and started touring for Diary of a Madman. And that tour went up, went on until July. And then we did a couple of festivals and then we recorded the speak of the devil, Black Sabbath re-recording at the Ritz in New York, 1982. And that was the last show I ever did with Ozzy. No shit. Yeah. Two nights of the Ritz. I had that album.

I don't know what the fuck happened to it. I think I had it on cassette. I had it on cassette. In 1983 in Snowmass Village, I used to listen to that album from the Paladium. I just... Now let's say, okay, like the biggest story

of hired guns ever for me were like the Eagles. And early on, the Eagles had a lot of people who switched and left. The guy from Toto left. The guy from Toto left This guy left The Eagles

Yeah Some guy didn't really want to be in the band Any longer He left And then they got Felman The original crew was like Fellman

The drummer Henley Henley And somebody else That was it That's the original Don Felman That's his name

Phelman Randy Meisner Was the baseball Randy Meisner And he left And Lidin Lidon Leiden was the utility guy.

He played mandolin, you know, solo, you know. Yeah, he played like all these moments. And then Joe Walsh, Jolm later. When Bernie Lieden left, Joe Walsh came in. And then Randy Mikesman's last record was Hotel of California,

the bass player. Then the bass player from Poco came in the band. The Indian. Is the Indian? No, the big Indian. The one of the things I can't tell you why. Yeah. On the last album.

Yeah. The last run. the final, the last run or whatever. Yeah, great singer, great baseball. I mean, from Poco, Poco was a great band. You know, I saw them a bunch of times life. Is that draw the line? Poco.

Poco. Draw the line. Oh, that's Toto. Toto, Poco. I saw Poco open up, I think it was either Poco or Toto. Open up a Ted Nugian, Aerosmith, Frank Marino, Mahogany Rush. Yeah.

Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To me, the guy that stood out in Polko was Rusty Young. It was not related to Neil Young. It was a steel, like a steel guitar player, but he stood up. He didn't sit behind the steel, you know.

He played it like a, like a, like a, it was a lap steel, but almost like a guitar. He stood up playing it like a guitar. And the guy was just phenomenal. Phenomenal, yeah. I just, the thing that baffles me the most, all right, you're. a higher gun you come in, you're coming for the tour to strengthen it. Let's say, you know, you laid the tracks and you're coming on a tour to strengthen the tour. That's what I thought a higher gun was at or that.

But, you know, by a higher gun, it's also a way of networking and not only building your resume, but your trust factor. That's when people start trusting you. That's when you start getting like, hey, you know, we need a guitar player. oh yeah, I just finished doing a tour with so-and-so. I mean, he was great. He was on time. He's my bud. Let's call him up.

That's how I get a lot of gigs because people know me. I've tour with a lot of people. The reason why I'm in the Guess Who now is because I was doing a tour with the Jeff Tate version of Queenstrike. And we had Sass Jordan played a part of Sister Mary because we're doing the whole Operation Mine Crime record. And, you know, we became buds. and when it came time, like, you know, the guess who, they're looking for a bass player, Sats told her husband, Derek Sharp, who is the singer and the guess who, hey, why don't you call Rudy? If that wouldn't that happen, I wouldn't ever wind up playing with the guess who, you know, because it's like you don't even have to audition at that point, even though I consider that I audition personally every single day. Every single day, I got to show up with my best game.

Because the day you don't, that's it. It's over. Everything you've been building all this time. But in the sense of auditioning, can this guy play the songs? That's pretty much, I'm past that. Now it's the point of, is you going to fit in at personality? Because, of course, you know, you don't know until you get together and you spend some time, you know, on the road playing the songs and proving yourself. You know, you build that trust.

But at least the initial. the initial thought of, I know this guy, I already been with this guy, you know, on tour with this guy, I trust him to do the gig. You then become part of a very short list. So it definitely has its benefits of being a higher gun. That's how I got to get with Ozzy because Randy knew me from playing with him in Quiet Riot in the 70s. So they were looking for somebody really quickly in L.A. If it would have been looking for, if they were been looking for somebody in London, it would have been

a different story. Because I know Ozzy and Sharon knew 100 guys that they could have brought in. But here they are in Los Angeles looking for somebody and it's like, they don't know. And Randy kept saying, listen, everything that you need that you're looking for

all the qualities, Rudy has him. You know, he's not going to be a bad influence on Ozzy. Drinking. He's not an alcoholic, he's not a drug addict. He's going to show up, do the gigs. You can depend on him. He's going to play these songs. So it was kind of like the night before I did the audition

I met Ozzy. Randy brought me over to a we were staying at the Beverly Hilton and we were there at Trader Vicks. Remember Trader Vix? We were having Scorpions of Trader Vix. In Ozzy I'm talking with Ozzy and he goes

man just do me a favor, just be able to play. That's it. That's all because I had the gig already just because Randy had recommended me. So the next day, right before I did the audition, I got together with Randy, he showed me a little, because I had to pick it. I never heard the songs. And like overnight, I was auditioning for this band, you know. So Randy, you know, he run me through it. And okay, so I did the audition and got the gig. And it changed my life. I mean, really changed your life,

you know, just in a moment, you know. And that could have been, that could have gone the other way. It could have been the moment that you regret. not getting the gig for the rest of your life, but it didn't happen. It went the other way. Well, that story kind of freaks me out in a little bit. Like, it's one of the coolest things that you've got to do. You love having been in Black Sabbath, but one of the main reasons you got it was because you were in the right city.

Absolutely. You have to be. You put all this work in. You have to be. personally and you're like oh i just happen to be in l a if you listen to 99% of these success stories timing timing timing is everything but it's not even timing it's just luck no it's timing it's everything it wasn't just being in l-a there was a lot of people in l. oh no no you're amazing no no no there was a lot of people in l.a who were even with a huge resume that because they were

already rock stars could not be trusted the rainbow the rainbow was full of guys like that. The rainbow bar and grill in the 70 was full of guys who did not get anywhere or they did not get anywhere until they went to rehab and cleaned themselves up. Because one thing is to have the chops. The other thing is to be dependable. Right. Oh, absolutely.

You know, and that'd be an asshole because, you know. Well, you, like you, I'm not saying that you got lucky because you obviously put the work in and you were a talented musician. But in the end, like, with the, the thing that tipped it over was that you were in the right place at the right time. Time is everything. It's amazing. If you look back at your life and your successes, you were at the right place, at the right

fucking time. But you know what? This is L.A. L.A., if you're going to be in the entertainment industry, this is at least back in the 70s and the 80s, this was the only place. Let me put it this way. If I wanted out of from becoming a rock star, if what I wanted to really achieve was the lifestyle of somebody who was going to drink,

have a bunch of chicks, do a bunch of blow, I would have just stayed in Miami. I already had that. It was right there. I already achieved that. I want chicks? Yeah, sure. How many chicks?

You know, every single night. Just go to the clubs. I'm playing in bars. Cocaine? The best cocaine came out of Miami or, you know, came to Miami. alcohol, cheap, cars, corvettes, whatever, you know, that's not. I wanted to be a musician. I wanted to be creative.

I wanted to be an artist, you know, and being a rock star was not even in my radar because I didn't even know what it was like, but I knew what it was like to go to the concert and see the guys, my heroes, move me, emotionally, move me, and go, shit, I got to do that. I'm a musician. I'm halfway there. I'm already playing an instrument, but I want that creative outlet.

And to get there, it's at the beginning, it's a freaking mystery, man. You just have no idea how you're going to do it. You know, it's like you. You know, when you got into comedy, does you know how to do, how to get there?

Nothing. No. No. Nothing. I had no idea. It's a journey. I mean, and you're basically blind.

You're blindfolded through the whole journey. I mean, you, you can't even see in front of you. You know, you're going to even see how you're going to survive another day, but you do somehow. You know, in 1985, I was clean and sober for four days. Like, I got to get to the television business.

And my basketball coach in the eighth grade was a camera guy. For good going morning America, all his life. He did it for like 40 fucking years, Steve Rubinaccio. And I called him so much and bothered me. He stopped taking my calls because he's like, What do you want to do? I'm like, I don't know. I just want to be, get me a job over there.

Do you want to carry sets? Do you want to be a light guy? I go, I don't know. I think I want to talk to people, but if you got a job carrying things, I'll take the job carrying things. You know, I just didn't know where to start. You don't know how to get into something, you know? And it bothered me, and I forgot about it for a while.

And it bothered me and I forget about it for a while. until one day it bothered me so much I actually did something about it, you know? That's the way I look at. Yeah. Yeah. And that's your purpose. Your purpose in life.

You know, people call it dreams. And LA, for some reason, there's been the city where people have a dream and they come here. Somehow they just get here and it's like, once they get here, it's like, it's just a matter of surviving it. So it's one of the toughest place to survive. But then again, unless you come here, you ain't going to achieve your purpose.

You know, people call it, oh, man, you know, I got dreams. And no, no, they might come to you and seem like a dream because you start getting ideas. Oh, I want to become an actor. I want to become a comedian. We're going to become a singer, a songwriter, whatever, a musician. And you must go to L.A. You must be here. This is where the industry is.

This is where you're going to audition. This is where you're going to present yourself. This is where you're going to be hanging out on the places where all the people that make decisions. They are. You know, this is where the agents are your managers who are actually, it's the conduit to get you from here to there. Right. You know, this is where they're at. And these are the people who are going to mentor you and tell you, well, listen, I got these clients.

And, you know, in order for you to become like this, my star clients, you have to listen to my advice. You know, I'm pretty sure that you work with some people like that who actually mentor you. I have. And thank God for that. And thank God that I actually listen to them, you know. And L.A. is built on us, us, dreamers. The dreamers, we come here.

The people with a purpose, the people who figure out, I want to do this for the rest of my life. I came here alone. I didn't have, yeah, I have some girlfriends, but it wasn't the type of relationship that I was going to drag them through hell. I was ready to drag myself through hell to get what my purpose, my dream. I used to call it a dream. Now I realize it's a purpose in life, what it is.

And I was willing to do, you know, within moral, you know, within a moral framework. Because I still have, you know, my spirituality and my moral, my religious guidelines. But within that framework, I was ready to do anything, to survive anything. And I did. And I did. If I would have had a plan B, I would have never gotten as slow as I did, which is basically sleeping on somebody's floor, basically, you know, can't afford anything. Couldn't even afford food at a time.

But I did it because I knew I knew that. That was my purpose in life to be a musician. I didn't know how, I couldn't even see how big it was going to be, but I could see that it was going to be big enough that I could make that my life journey, being a musician. And that's, you get to a point that you find that purpose that you're willing to fight for every single day of your life. And you can't give it up.

Because if you do, it's over. It's over. And I will know about you, but I travel a lot around the country. And I meet people who, at one point, they had a purpose. They had a dream. And you can tell that that dream, that purpose, they never really fought for it. And they're beaten down, you know. and I have so much respect for anybody who comes out here.

And even if you, for example, your family, your kids, they didn't come here. They were brought up by you with a purpose, with a dream. They have that in their DNA. They have that. You erase them with that point of view. So once they find their purpose, they're going to fight for it.

Not really with me. I didn't think stand-up was my purpose. I ain't going to go. I don't know what it was for me. I knew it was my savior, but I knew I didn't really want to pursue it. I knew it was going to be my savior.

And we had this conversation, Lee and I had three weeks ago. I knew it. I knew this was the answer to all my problems. And it took me a year and a half to get on that fucking stage. No dreaming. No, I wish. No, I want to be this guy.

I thought I'd get on stage two or three times, maybe four times. And the fifth time, Jay Leno walked in and put me on the tonight show that'd be a star. That's what I thought. And that wouldn't have been fun. That wouldn't have been no good. That wouldn't have been good at all. You know, I thought that I heard a story about what's his fucking name? and, you know, moonlighting.

Oh, Bruce Willis? Bruce Willis. He was a bartender. He got discovered. Well, it didn't happen that way. He went to acting classes and he auditioned and he got fucking discovered. You know, I got fed this bullshit stories that you, you know, producer went into a bar and saw Bruce Willis

and hired him for a movie, just like that. You know, I thought it was a lottery. I always thought it was a lottery. And I didn't want to believe that you had a word for it and today I'm happy I fought every fucking inch it was like playing the Green Bay Packers in January when the snow melts and they're getting more snow now and you're playing in the mud and you got a fight for every fucking inch you know and I didn't have a plan I did have a plan B really the plan B was to move

to New Jersey and sell coke and let that be my end because I failed that that everything else that was gonna be it that was the plan B but I don't know. I didn't have the balls to execute plan B. I always knew there was another month. Let me give it another month. But I never even wanted to come here, Rudy. My purpose was not to come here.

I just wanted to be a comic that traveled, to hid, kept his profile very low, just made enough to sweep by, maybe do a little blow, and maybe have a piece of shit car. If I could live in the van like the wrestler, I would have been good. That's all I want.

That's all I want it from stand up I just didn't want to do what I was doing Which was being a criminal And being in pain all the time But what you said about the fucking people you see I got like three friends now That I look at And I know they were a little off

Because I grew up with them And I know that They wanted to do and be something different Than when they ended up But because of fear Or the drug addiction or kids or whatever excuse they made up in their head they didn't get to that next level.

Do you know what I'm saying? I feel that too. And that's why I do this podcast. And that's why I bust your balls the way I do. Because I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I would have never got on stage. That I would have committed suicidal and I'm not a suicidal type of guy.

But if I were to woke up one day at 56 and Subway Sandwich with a tattoo on my arm, I'm talking about, I saw a white snake in 87. I would have shot myself. I would have shot myself. Do you guys think, I don't know, that everyone, if you put in the time, is going to make it? Like, don't you think some people at a certain point is realized? It's not about making it.

Okay. It's about going for whatever your purpose was, like Rudy says. Going for it, whether you fail. What's making it? Right. Making it is what it is for you. Listen. And right now Rudy is going on the road with guess who.

He's been on the road with thousands of fucking musicians. He's met everyone, gold albums, platinum albums. There's a musician somewhere in St. Louis. That's a great musician, but he plays fucking, he's in charge of the fucking high school music program. He makes $160,000 a year. He's got a house. And he's very content. And he's probably his talent that is Rudy is bass-wise.

And he's very content. That's his purpose. That's what he wanted. So let me ask, can I ask you this, Rudy? And I'm not asking for any sort of number. But if you wanted to, could you just be retired right now? Do you have to play music to survive? I play.

I can't even imagine not playing. It's like it's not even part of my identity. Rudy, retired, not making music. It's like, you might as well just kill me right there. Well, let's say if you just retired from the road and produced, would you think of that? No, I produce. Basically, to produce, you know, I, and I, I'm a big fan of producers, I'm my best friends are producers.

It's a whole different role. A producer is kind of like overseer. I, overseer, it was almost like, it's, it's like being a director or being an actor. I like to be a musician, as the same as an actor, would love to be an actor. A lot of, a lot of actors going to become directors. But I know my purpose. I know my dream, you know,

you know, talking about the other people that you were mentioning, right? The way that I like to live my life, and, you know, some people, and I used to do this, I used to have like my yearbook photo. That's the guy that I would talk to. Because that guy, that geek in the yearbook, invented this.

He's the guy who came up with who I am today. This is his idea, right? You know, and I can show you the photo. I mean, it's despicable, you know. But nevertheless, this is the guy who was living in Miami with my folks, and I was just, you know, graduated from high school. I started playing in titty bars. in Miami and I kept saying,

okay, this is really cool, man. You got all these naked chicks around you and you got free booze and whatever, but this is not the ultimate. This is not your purpose. You see, you saw Led Zeppelin, you saw Deep Purple last week. That's your purpose.

Me being a Cuban kid, can you imagine? My own Cuban friends used to tell me, you're crazy. You're never going to be playing with these guys. You're freaking Cuban from Miami. And I say, I'll figure it out. I am going to do it. I'm not staying here.

I left Miami with, you know, secure gigs, you know, playing disco or whatever, you know, and whatever entertainment indulgence that I could get with a suitcase and a guitar. And I went around the country for like two or three years until I wound up in my, in Los Angeles because that was the final destination, you know. This is where the music industry was. Because I knew, and there was no turning back to Miami. There was no like, well, I can always go back to Miami and keep playing the bars and doing the, no, this is not what I'm going to do. So now, instead of me looking at that kid from high school, the yearbook, I see myself as a sperm, competing with a million sperms to get here.

Just like you did. Just like you did. You were the sperm that beat out all the other million sperms. you're it you made it congratulations now what what should any one of us give up on our dreams we fucking just won right you know and then when you were playing those those uh bars in miami were you uh i know were you proud of yourself were like i'm doing something like i'm happy or were you not even we're not satisfied at all it was it was it was boot camp you knew there was something more oh yeah that's the problem and it was that's what i always felt there's got

There's got to be something more. This can't be it. It was an education. This can't be it. Education. And also, you get to, you find inspiration and a little bit of fear because I was, I was playing the same circuit as Jacob Astorius in Miami. And Will Lee from the David Letterman, O'Crosse.

I mean, these guys are monsters. And I'm thinking, if these guys are in my hood, it's got to be a thousand guys like these guys. Of course, you know, I didn't realize there was, there was only one jackal. ever. But nevertheless, that will really inspire you and make you realize how hard you have to work. Because even though music is not competitive, a competition sport, the business is

very competitive. Right. And to me, like, seeing what you're saying, sometimes when I see someone who's that great, and it doesn't make me, oh, I got to work. It's like, oh, I'll never be that good. So why? You can't do that. Right. No, because, see, that person is what that person has achieved is the best that they can be. You need to achieve the best that you can be. Right.

Because that's complete. There's no competition in that. Because the other person would never be the best you that you can be. No, I'm just, I'm quiet because this is what I was talking about with my therapist today. This is, a lot of times, like, just for me personally, I'll make excuses or I'll see something, oh, I can't do this because I'm not going to be the best.

And something she said to me, she's like, there's only one person who's the best. And I was like, I never even thought about that before. Like, I don't know. Like, it's a weird thing to want to be the best, but like just being okay with working on it, I guess, being okay with improving and

growing. Okay. If you don't grow, you die. You whither away. You disappear. Not only that, you get, In a competition, the people that keep improving are the ones that go beyond while you're standing still. You know, it's not a matter of just even standing still. If you don't move forward, you're going to get passed by everybody else that keeps moving forward beyond you. See, you need to lose that identity because as long as you keep telling yourself negative thoughts, you're going to become that.

Oh, yeah, 100%. I've been going for like five or six months and I'm working on it. but it's just into it like, I don't know. I think what you were saying about Robert Plant earlier. It's like we just think you just see these people who you imagine are at the top of their fields or industries and you're like there's no pot. Like it's not even, it's not even like a dream. It's not even a physically humanly possible thing for me to be the best editor or the bell. Like, and you're right.

You got to, you got to just focus on it. Let's say Rudy Saza is the best place player in the world. Right. And I grew up listening to Rudy, growing up as his fan, his style of playing, his style of movements. Yeah, I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that for 10 or 12 years. But in that journey, I'm going to find myself. And I'm going to have Rudy's style, and it's going to be a 3D version of Rudy's style.

Do you follow me? It has part of his style. But you expanded on it. His style with my identity. Right. Absolutely. So it's my identity I'm putting to that bass. You know, when you, Eric Clapton's a great guitarist

and David Gilmore's a great guitarist. But you blindfold me and I can tell you after the first three chords, who's playing it. Really? That's what they do. Yeah, okay. That's what they do.

That's what they do. Do you think that Eric Clapton sat there at night going, fucking Jimmy Page? No. Jimmy Page, do what he do? You do it, you do. And that's why people always say, to you.

The most basic thing, be yourself. Those two words are so fucking strong and nobody ever listens to them. Because we're sold on everything else that we see. We never give ourselves enough credit.

Be yourself. You'd be surprised what you have to offer somebody. You'd be fucking surprised. I walk around and I see people. living I got a dear friend that lives this fucking life and I want to grab him by the throat and bang his head because you're not that person and the more you keep living into that fucking assumed person the deeper you're gonna get as a human being as yourself you're never gonna move forward once I came to terms of who I was I was a fucking junkie who was fat who went to prison and this is what I'm gonna fucking do and I don't care listen Ralphie Mae Bill Burr Lewis C. Rogen, Kenneson, they were great.

They were some of the comics I looked up to. But guess what? I'm not them and name me. And even though Bill Burr's the best and Kevin Hart's fucking tremendous, there's a thousand good comics. You figure out somewhere along the line that you have something to offer.

Absolutely. Be yourself. Those two words are fucking so gold. But we never have enough confidence in being ourselves. And it's not even like the confidence thing is part of it, but it, I don't know, for some reason my brain never even worked that way. Like, I never even thought of, okay, maybe you're not the best, but you can, like, you have something like that, like that sentence I think is even stronger for me than be yourself is like, no matter what level you're at, you have something to offer, whether you're just helping someone you're learning or, yeah, that's, that's huge. That's great. You know, I started to improve my playing once I stopped to trying to be the best ever or the best around.

And I realized that to focus and to be the best that I can be the best me rather than the best overall. Right, yeah. Because I got to tell you, going back to the question about retiring, there's so much more about music. music theory and re-harmonization and music, getting into jazz and all that, that I'm doing now, that I know I am not going to learn everything by the time I die or my hands can't move anymore. But that's my path. I am, you know, people ask me, you know, they say, if you don't know me, so what do you do? And I use the two more powerful words that I know. I am.

I wouldn't even write I am like a shorting it. I, a person of a M. I am a musician. Because it's not just about playing bass. It's about musical knowledge, musical ability and being able to communicate through music and listen to others and know what they're doing and what you can contribute to the piece,

you know, the music, the composition. And that is going to take a lifetime and beyond. I'll probably come back, reincarnated as a musician, and continue my musical journey. Because I am so in tune with that identity about myself that to finally, after all these years, realized what my purpose is. It wasn't to be just a guy who played in bars and did this and hung out and, you know, played a bunch of music videos. No, it's about being a musician. and I've never been more fulfill and more clear about my life journey that I am right here sitting with you guys.

And I'm in the same fucking boat. I'm in the same boat because I tell you why, bro. Just today, Josh Wolf called me this morning. We're going back and forth about shit. And he was asking me about my schedule. I said, listen, that time of the ear surgeon, I'm not going to travel for a couple of weeks. And then to top it off, I'm only going to go out one week a month. you know I go you know what bro

for 20 years for 15 years nobody talked to me as a comic I just acted you know the other day I went to Burke Christens for Christmas his dad goes the other day I saw you on three different things at the same time you don't act no more and I go

they pull me into this fucking stand-up and they forget all about that my point being that I strived early on not to be the best but to be a comedian Does that sound? That's what my thing was. Once I became a stand-up,

and I started looking around. You know, right now there's this dude that keeps calling me. The last four or five weeks, he keeps calling me. He's got a pretty good idea. But you know why I won't do it, Rudy? Because I met him as a comic. In the last 10 years, he's been four things. Do you follow me?

He's been four things. He's been a director, an editor, a producer. Now he invented this. I hate those motherfuckers. I'm a comic. I never come in here and tell you I want to be a director. No? No, no.

I know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm a comic. You want to make this fucking project stronger? I know how to do that. I know how to make it funnier from A to Z. I'm a comic. And I'm a great comedic actor. You know, when I go on a fucking job now,

when I get on a set now, it's been 20 years, dog. Remember, I spent 17 weeks on the set with Adam Sandler. the dicking around. That's an experience when he would tell you, do what you want to do. Really? Do what I want to do. Not what you want me to do. So in 26 years of comic, comedy,

you figure 19 years of acting, my first three years, I was such a shitty comic. Do you know why? Because I only improvised. Guess what? You guys have never really seen me improvised because I don't let nobody see me improvise. Even at the store, like working with Uncle Joey? Oh, no, no. You see me improvise. I'm improvised then, but you've never seen me talk to the audience and do that for an hour.

Okay, got to do that with anybody. I can do that with the best to anybody. I just don't do it because it's not comedy. It creates bad habits. It's a bad habit to get into, and then you don't write, and then you keep to continue to do that. And then your sets become a toy, a dice truck, throw. It's a 50-50 set. When I get you, I'm going to fucking get you.

But if I don't get you, and then try to get you a material, it's not going to be a good night for me. So I don't go that route. When people are paying big money for me, I want you to get the best of me you get. I don't want to dick around with you. You want to see me dicking around and go to the comedy store? Right. Or go to the ice house. But when I'm getting 25 bucks from me 2750, I got to go in there and bat the butt, not to take away from what you were saying.

I feel the same way, Rudy. I'm a comedian, bro. And I've studied it. I've studied it in black and white. I've studied it in color. I've watched the combo duos that they've put together over the years. And I did something else that a lot of people don't do. I forced myself to listen to it instead of watching it.

I've always been a listener. There's a big difference than listening to comedy and watching comedy. And you have to learn how to play to the listener also at times. Instead of the viewer. That's another thing people don't. You know how I got good by making people listen? This fucking podcast. Seven years of doing a podcast.

You learn that people listening to you. They're not watching. Here they watch, how many videos they watch a week. If we get 200,000 downloads, how many people watch it on video? 50, 60, 70. This is basically for people listen to in their car. And I've also loved that.

When I first did this with Lee and Felicia, I told them both. They kept saying, well, don't you know. I want to take it back to when people listened. People don't listen no more, Rudy. People don't want to listen no more. It's that simple. You know, for years in this country, MTV was great because we didn't get to listen to you.

It broke that habit. We started watching it. Watching you. You know what I'm saying? But to listen. you get a different emotion. It's really weird. If you listen to Richard Pryor watch live on the Sunset Strait

and listen to Richard Pryor by Centennial Nigger with that album bouncing, and you can hear the waitress dropping the glasses and all that, it takes you somewhere differently. I love that shit. That's why I love studio tapes. I don't want your album, Rudy. I really don't want your album. I really don't want The Blizzard of Oz.

I want the studio types I want to see what you guys went through how you changed the bass how Randy changed that solo you ever see on YouTube when that fucking dude joined Black Sabbath before Dio? Have you ever heard those songs? You want to

shoot yourself and jump out of window I think it was Ian Gillen and they have them on there singing like Heaven and Hal Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no they replaced Ozzy before never say die and then they brought him back behind his back

for Black Sabbath? Yeah and they have him singing Junior's eyes and something else on YouTube Ian? Ian oh it sounds like somebody's shitting in your fucking hat Because Ian did the Born Again record Right

Because Quiet Riot opened up on that tour And I gotta tell you I saw him sweating bullets Trying to sing the art And he's Ian Gillen I mean this guy is He's a motherfucker He's a motherfucker

I mean he's like one of the motherfuckers, you know, that's it. You know, he's on that class, you know. But it wasn't him. Ozzie is one of the hardest singers to try to imitate. I mean, you know, there's no way you're going to sound or even deliver it just like Ozzy. The thing with Ronnie James Diego is quality. Very few people have that vocal quality.

But there's something about Ozzy's voice. It's kind of like Robert Plant, the same thing. you know, that certain range, a certain pitch, that very few people can actually capture that. No matter how much of a motherfucker they happen to be in their own right. Let me get some shoutouts here. I'm going to continue that conversation

because we'll make the comparison right there. For starters, the church wants to welcome this church wants to tell you, Happy New Year from Rudy, the fucking Christkiller and myself and all the guests that have come on here. We want to wish you a Happy New Year, Great success to you this year.

Hopefully you at least go towards your fucking dream, get off the opiates and make it happen. A little advice to you guys. You ready for this? All those 37 years, I snorted coke. I think the last, ever since 1983, I didn't snort coke on New Year's no more. Did you know that? I refused to snort on New Year's. December 30th, I would snort like I was going to Pablo's house.

But on New Year's Eve, I refused to take. Touch cocaine. Why? Because number one, I saw my buddy Roger Holloway get his ear bit off on New Year's 1983. That was one excuse. But number two, the real purpose was I didn't want it in my system while the year was changing. I always wanted to get away from me. So for you guys that are trying to get off the drugs, don't start on the first.

Start on the 31st. Give it a shot. Take a chance Columbus did. Take this from your uncle Joey. All right. The big dog, Josh Gallegos, Toney Solomon, Swinley, 1880. Louis the kid Cody Dunham

Mr. Wiggles Matt Brown Sandman and my fucking heart Mr. Bob Lalingis out there in motherfucking Chicago running things

Also to my dogs in Austin, Texas Crystal and Bob will see you on the 18th when Lee and I go down to invade fucking Cap City and our boy

Danny Brown will be down there with us that weekend so we're going to eat Chinese food too instead of barbecue. So just so you know, for you motherfuckers, I didn't know, August 18th to the 20th, Austin, Texas, the following Thursday, the 25th to the 28th,

Charlotte, North Carolina. Get your tickets now, bitches. What's up, Lee? Oh, no, I just wanted to give a shout out to a buddy on the church page on Facebook, Paul Vance. We talked to him a couple days ago, so, yeah. Paul Vance, there's a, Andrew Nondraal. I love you, motherfuckers, Lorn, Leon,

you know who I love. Ookie Spooky, Cleo, you motherfucker. are the backbone. My little Indian and fucking whatever. The white chick in Michigan. I love you, motherfuckers, always. Anyway, but take it from my perspective.

You know, the other night, I watched your documentary, then I watched your documentary again. I found you very interesting and just real. You know, just the way you all here. You're a fucking tank. And it's funny, I watch the Aussie thing. Now I was a diehard Ozzy fan. Listen, when my mother died and I was going through all that shit,

the song I was gonna shoot everybody down to it was Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath, plain and fucking simple. You know, it's interesting that in the documentary last night that I saw Sabbath on the night before, they actually showed Tony Iommi playing the guitar with his fingers. And for years, whenever he took pictures, he would never leave that handout where he had the accent to cut his fingers. But on this, they actually show him with the little tips that he made to play. interesting. Did you watch the documentary in the end? I loved them. I loved them. I loved all that

shit. Sabb bloody Sabbath. The sabotage you know, tomorrow's dream. When I heard Snowblind, I gave me the green light to snort coke until we shot Pablo Escobar on the head. I mean, you know, I don't have to tell you. And I still remember,

like I told you, going into a magazine store and either picking up circus. Look, you see it, or cream and going, Jesus Christ. You know, Ozzy is out of Sabbath. I had saw him with Black Sabbath, and they weren't really that good. Van Halen was on a tear, so the rumor was he was gone anyway. You know, they happened to hire the guy from Savoy Brown to replace him for a while,

and nothing really worked out. And then we heard that this dude deal from Rainbow, and I already had Rainbow Rising. Like, I already had it. I thought it was a great fucking out, but I just didn't see it. I just didn't see it. I go, that's not going to work. Black Sabbath and Dio is not going to work. And then I went to the place in the village.

The weekend they shot fucking John Lennon, and I saw you guys EP. And my heart almost fucking stopped. You know, Ozzie's back, blah, blah, and then the whole thing. And I think I saw you guys first. The Palladium? Yeah, but I still went to see Dio.

Yeah. I went to Philadelphia. I actually drove to Philly. to the spectrum to see Dio with Sabbath, Shaken Street with Sammy Hagar. Was it a Bloisor called him that too? Was that the black and blue tour? This was way before the black and blue tour. This was the very beginning of Black Sabbath tour.

Then later on they picked up momentum and went with the black and then they even made a concert film. Yeah, I have it. They even made a concert film. A lot of people don't remember it. I don't see it out. seen on YouTube. I don't know. I never really looked. Black and blue, whatever. But I was there.

I was there when fucking they were spitting at Sammy Hagar in Philadelphia because they're animals out. That's why I love Philadelphia. Shout out. They were spitting on their fingers and then going like this flinging the spit at Sammy Hagar. You could see him singing and ducking it

like a fucking Anderson Silver. And Black said, and when he put his fingers up like that the first time he's like, generals gathered. in their masses, just like Christmas. I go, we gotta go. We gotta go. But my buddy had eaten two quail lute.

He ate two hits of acid, which should not be two blue quailudes. And he just passed out in the concert. I mean, he was on the floor, snoring. Waking him up, Raygo, wake up. Until he died, we would always go to, remember those fucking, those blue ludes you didn't at Philadelphia? They weren't ludes.

They were acid, you don't fuck. I was just tired from them. before. There were blue ludes. Knock it off, right? But all that shit, that album grew in me like a fucking, like a herpes crack hole. That fucking heaven and hell album,

it got stronger by the day. And today, I listened to that album once a week. The whole heaven and hell. I'm not a fan of the mob rules, but I'm a big fan of heaven and hell. That guy took me little by little. It was a very slow, fucking finger in the ass

Ronnie James Dio or sabotage, you know, the love I had for Ozzy transferred right over to whatever. It's, I didn't go with any of them because of the voice. It was the belief in their voice and the conviction on what they were singing

that made me believe in Ozzy Osbourne. You know, you bastards, all that shit. I don't think Dio could replace Ozzie, and I don't think Ozzy could replace Dio. No. They're irreplaceable. It's the style in what they brought to that band. Did I know that at 16 and 17?

No, really. I was too stupid to figure that. I figured out years later, when I saw other singers and things leaving bands. Like, I never, I like the first back in black. But by the time, for those who sucked a cock came out, for those who liked the rock came out,

Rudy, I'm not going to lie to you, you met you a patting de bina. That just wasn't me. I was a Bonscott guy. and it wasn't until recently. Remember a couple years ago, you came in here and you said something funny to me. You go, you know what, man?

I put him a Dane Cook album in the other day. Really wasn't that funny. Was it you that told me that? Yeah, I loved him in high school. I was obsessed. It just really wasn't. I even had to turn it off. I was so embarrassed that I liked them.

That's the way I feel now. This is the Motley Crew, early Motley Crew, shouted the devil. I love looks to kill. That song makes me want to snorke and eat somebody's asshole. As soon as that song comes on, and I like the other one, piece of the action.

But I got to tell you son, he can't sing for dick. You know, that was just feelings. You ever see the movie The Rap Back? Yeah. On HBO, they did the re-thing of the rap back. And the comedian, Bobby Slayton, who was playing Joey Bishop, said to Dean Martin, boy, weren't we great tonight? And he goes, kid, realize.

One of these days, these people are going to wake up and the hangover is going to be over and they're going to go, what the fuck was all the commotion about? Because it's like we get caught up in a fog with a lot of music in our lives. I can't stand fucking ACD's in. I think that is terrible. Between Brian Johnson and fucking,

who's the other guy I just talked about? The singer from Motley Crew? Vince. Just God awful. God awful. We just got caught in. such a trance. Tommy Lee with the drums

and the old guy sitting there being 90 years old it just sucks you in. Why was there an old guy there? He's part of the band? He's got to be, I don't know, if he's fucking, if everybody else is 50, he's got to be 80 now, right?

What's the guitar player's name? What's his name? Mick Mars. Great fucking guitar player. Just sitting there being old. But all yeah, I said, it's a deep point in 1994. In 1984,

when that album came out, that guy was 50 already. The only thing that was holding them together was the heroin. in the Scotch tape. That's it. That was hold that motherfucker together. Oh, my God.

Right around. I just saw him on the old heavy metal show, and he could barely talk. Like, I'm thinking of going on tour. Yeah, good luck. You're going to want to do one show a fucking week? He's old, bro. But in 84, that dude, I'm telling you.

But I don't like fucking none of those things. They took, still today, I put Ozzy on, and I fucking love it. This morning I listened to my favorite off diary, S-A-T-O. That's my favorite off fucking diary. Tremendous, aren't there? You're tremendous? Everybody's fucking tremendous.

Well, I'm not playing on that record. No, Diary and... Who the fuck played on that record? Oh, the same rhythm section that played on the first record. Those records were done back to back within a month of each other. That's crazy. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. He had all those songs.

Yep. Well, Randy did. I mean, if you look at the trajectory of that band, it was never the same. after Randy died, musically, making records. It was never the same. Never. Randy knew how to make a record already at that age. Randy was very educated, you know, about music theory and composition,

which was basically virtually very few musicians that I ever play with. And I'm talking about the guys like Steve Vai and Tony McAlpine who actually got an education. Steve I went to Berkeley. You know, he studied music. But everybody else that I play with, you know, of course, Randy. Randy had music education. His mom owned a music school, not too far from here.

You know, so it's, Randy knew music, just like any of the top guys, you know, like the Jimmy Page and, you know, people like that. He could read. He was reading classical music and writing classical compositions. Very rare in the rock world at that time. Very, very, very rare, especially the census strip bands. very rare you know edie van hale was another guy that was schooled in music he knew he knows you still with us you know so and and you can tell by the quality of their creations of their compositions the timeless quality of it because they knew how to incorporate certain ingredients to make those songs

classics now it seemed i don't know if it was to me and i hate to say this in a way but you're right I mean, about, first time I saw Eddie, it was a different type of guitar. It came from somewhere else. It wasn't Michael Schenckler anymore. Yeah, yeah. Wasn't Tony Aeomie. It wasn't, you know, Joe Perry. This was, these were not, this wasn't David Gilmore.

It was a very unorthodox fucking guitar. And then Randy Rhodes took that guitar and ran with it. You know, the beginning of suicide solution. that little guitar thing he does, right? Doesn't he do them before? So, you could tell that they came from different schools of thought. Well, to me, the song Diary of a Madman itself is right. He made that statement of like, okay.

I fucking love that fucking solo. In fact, that's what we're going to close with. Diary of motherfucking Madman. But no, this is music 101 today, but I'm happy you came on and even just talked about. It's so hard to understand what. your purposes. What a fucking lousy thing, teenage years and your early manhood.

Because not only are you figuring out what you should act like as a man and everything, you also got to figure out so much at one time. You've got to figure out again what your purpose is. Because I'll tell you what, if you don't figure it out, and you do decide on something else. It eats you alive. It eats you alive. Those are the people you see that are heavy

and they get on a plane and you look at them and you can see that the misery's pouring out of them. You know, there's a difference between success and success. There really is a... Financial success and whatever. Like, let's not say, there's a different thing. You know, I could see the guy that makes a ton of money.

Like, I got to tell you something. And at times, I didn't want this shit comedy-wise. It's too much for a guy like me. I love comedy as a hobby. You know what I'm saying? Like, I like it as a hobby. As much as the pressure of having to have new materials and an outlook on life sometimes, I don't dig it sometimes.

I liked it when it was just a plain hobby. I liked it when it was just a dream. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, there's an old expression sometimes it's better to want than to have. I'm like you now. I've already accepted it. I'm a comedian. I am a comedian.

This is what I do for a fucking living. I don't want to direct. I don't want to play the ukulele. I don't want to do nothing. You know, I like to, again, and writing is a part of this comedian too. You have to write comically or whatever.

You still have to write. There's so many aspects to being a musician and a comedian, not just going on stage and performing. In fact, the preparation, there's so much preparation for that final product that I wish people would know

and the only way you would know is by doing it. There's so much preparation. These last three weeks, Rudy, I haven't thought about Dick. Every time I think of something funny, I push it out of my head. I don't even want to think about something funny. I just wanted my mind to breathe again,

to cultivate the fall in love with the art again. But tell me, have you watched other comedians during that when you take the breather? No, I refused. They're going to go on into the ice house tonight and watching Rogan, just sit in the back with a mascot. But you make a specific effort, because you know, you made a choice. You make choices.

Yes. And why is that? I wanted, I'm doing this from scratch. I don't know if Netflix is going to give me a special, but if they do, I'm starting back like Rocky did. I'm going to that fourth wall every night to do five minutes to look at young comic's eyes to see what they're. go through you know you said something very interesting

and I hope this doesn't offend anybody you know you go to the rainbow I've been to the rainbow twice and both times I left they disgusted because I just saw people dressed up as musicians there. Interesting. That's what I saw. I didn't see Rudy Saw as well I didn't see

anybody. I didn't even and how I know that I didn't see her or a future Rudy saw as one there because of their attitudes I could tell I didn't see it in their eyes. I just saw guys wanted to be lemmy that's all every time i go in there it's people wanting to be lemmy and you know to be good at this and to be where you are today you have to be so much in love of what you're doing

so clear-headed that's why you know they said something very interesting to tony iommi he goes so what are you guys like now he goes well what we did is three days after the tour ended we all got together and met and rehearsed one last time because we never really got to talk to on the tour. It wasn't like the old days that you checked into a hotel and went to the holiday in and got to ham it until 8 o'clock. Now you have a life. You look at things differently and you go to your room and then a car picks us up and we drive separately

to the fucking gig, you know. And at times I think that's bad but at times I think that's great. I don't want to hang out with 20 people when I do comedy. I don't want nobody there. I don't want nobody there, you know? I'm so focused in on whatever. I don't sell t-shirts at my show. I could use the money.

You could use the money. I don't want to worry about that in between shows. I want to say a little to a couple people in between shows. Go back there and focus on my next show, my breathing and what I got to do and put my feet up so my blood don't conglom me. You know what I'm saying? There's so much preparation.

So I don't even know how we got in this conversation. It really doesn't fucking matter. This motherfucker mrs. This motherfuckerweed is tremendous. You follow. But I'm really, I'm happy that you explain to these young guys. I'll listen to this podcast. Everybody does have a purpose. You just have to, it's not going to fucking knock on your door.

It never does. No, but usually it's that voice in your head. It's that voice in your head. And sometimes you have to like shut the fuck up and listen to it. And those voices were going to give you hints and ideas and tell you little things. And once in a while you're going to connect with one of them. And that's going to be your purpose. That's going to be the one that you're going to wake up every day of your life

and fight for that purpose. Oh, Rudy, you really have three voices in your head. You have the good voice that tells you you could do this, that you're better than that guy. You know, every comic will tell you, why did you become a comic? Because I was sitting there one night, and the comic came on, I go, hey, I'm better than this guy. I can do this.

End the story, you know. You have the other voice that tells you that you'll never amount to nothing. that you'll never be that good so why are you going to try it anyway? And then you have the other voice that's the voice of fear that tells you, you know what? Why are you even thinking about that?

Stay on the couch. Hang out on the couch. Watch TV. Sit here with your girlfriend. That's it. This is what you do. You know what? Those last two are

they're barely... They're cousins. I don't have them no more. Yeah, yeah. I don't have them no more. Eventually, you just beat them down. Yeah, yeah. Eventually, they don't even show up

to the neighborhood no more. Because they know that they're not going to win. Even if they team up with somebody. That's right. Even if they team up with somebody. If somebody comes to me and says, hey, man, I'm having a fucking party tomorrow night. At 8.30, you got to be there. Guess what?

I got a show at AF. You know what I'm saying? And that's the correlation you got to met. The weak side of you go, fuck comedy and fuck the show. I'll go to a party. You know what I'm saying? That's the sucker side of you. And then the fear side of here will fucking convince you not to go to the party

for the dumbest reasons in the world. The good voice is the one that beats everybody out. Yeah. With three or four words, you didn't even say much. Yeah. You know, that's the voice that you have to learn to listen to. Absolutely. And that's the last one we want to listen to.

And like for me, just hearing you guys say that, what I think I need to work on is realizing which voice is talking to you, because they all sound the same. As weird as that sounds, they can all be as convincing, and you kind of have... No, no, no, the other two are convincing because that's, you know, the other two, fear is the most convincing one.

That motherfucker will scare the pants out of you. And then your natural voice is the one that says, where you want to go down to the rainbow for? Nothing's going to happen down there. You're going to bring down there, you're going to go up with your guitar, you're going to do your two songs for five minutes apiece, and you're going to go home.

And in two weeks of you find out that fucking Rudy was down there rehearsing for his new band, looking for people. and you know when you have a purpose or a.k.a. a dream, nothing gets in the way of it. And that's the problem that people really, really have, that they start letting things get in the way of it. In fact, they welcome things getting in the way of it so they don't have to deal with it. There's so many aspects that just not want to deal with. It's 2018. I'm happy Rudy even brought this up. We're going to come up.

out here and talk about higher guns and how they make them, they get them $200 a week and they make them fucking sleep in the top bunk and shit. We'll talk about that next time because this conversation turned out to be better because there's a lot of people sitting in life, I think at times that it's just stuck. And it's not their fault, Rudy. It's not their fault. They're surrounded, they got three people who were stuck next to them. Yep.

They got this, they got that, they got personal guilt. Who would take care of my mother? Your mother's fine. your mother was here 20, 30 years before you got here. Right. And she'll be 92 years here after your fucking gone. You know, we all have these excuses and fuck it. Just go for it.

Who gives a fuck? It's your life. Who gives a fuck? If you don't do it your way, it's not going to, you know, I don't give a fuck. I'm happy I did. You know, I was thinking this Christmas, I had a good Christmas with my daughter. She's about to be five. You know, we had a great time.

But a certain Christmas. Christmas sticks out in my mind. The pictures that you saw, Lee, from Christmas 94, when I told Lee I had my other daughter, the one that's 28 now, the one that we don't talk. And I thought about that Christmas, how I had to rob a Christmas tree. Rudy had a rob a Christmas tree.

I'm a lot. I've done that. And take the money that people left. Somebody left cash. I took the money. And I came back a year later and paid it back. Yeah. I had to put duct tape on that fucking thing, you know?

Yeah. and I think about, and this is the truth, it goes back to Manorify, I had to give up a life for a life. I gave up being a father so I could be a comedian. It sounded weird, does it sound weird to you? The same thing.

I sacrificed for that. A lot of people might say, well, you walked away, I didn't do nothing. I paid my child support. Check it out, go to court, I give you the fucking numbers. I tried to be in touch. It just didn't work.

And at the end of the day, now I see, what I see is, You know, my life for that life. I gave you her life. I gave up being a father 20 years ago for this career of comedy. And to this day, if I didn't tell you, it pains me. It pains me. There's times I say, if I had a second chance, I wouldn't have done it.

Even with the things that I reached, the movies and doing TV and the comedy, I still say I wasn't worth it. But what would I be today? I would still be snorting coke and boulder and half dead. Yeah. You know, so. Yeah. I didn't have a child, you know, with any of my girlfriends, but I did give up on having a family.

Because like I mentioned before, I don't want to drag my wife through all the sacrifices, all the shit that I had to go through, you know, to get to where I'm at today. I was going to do it alone. Nobody else was going to be, you know, punished by being with me. So I did it by myself, you know. And 36 years ago, Christmas, I was sleeping on the floor. I woke up. I sang happy birthday to Jesus. That's all I had.

But I was destitute. I didn't have any money. It was 1980? 80. 81. 80. 80. 80.

80. 1980. 1980. 1980. 1980. 38. . 37.

37 Christmas ago, I got to tell you, my gift was peace. I've been making peace with God that I found my purpose. I didn't know how it was going to wind up happening, but at that moment, I was more sure than ever that I was going to be a musician for the rest of my life. nothing you know no alternatives no plan B nothing that was my gift the best gift i've ever received for christmas in my whole life or ever having that peace of mind with god and every christmas i think about that it's a beautiful thing so it's a podcast happy new year to you rudy happy new year if you have not watched hired guns on netflix you are fucking uh not getting an

education. And it's just coming from a point of view of someone who's not a, like a music fan from all the bands they were speaking of, I found it very interesting as shit. Yeah. You know, it was really interesting that it's trending. It was like every night it's like top, you know, number one or two most popular and trending. So it must really be connecting with people out there. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, let's end this motherfucking podcast. I can tell you guys at the beginning of the show. Listen, uh, when I was working for a sports betting service, one I made a ton of fucking loot like 60 grand because bowl seat. December is the biggest month for sports that there is.

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Tonight, you bet you pick up fucking Saturday, Sunday morning, and you can see the Colombian, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Go to MyBooky and we'll match your deposit with up to a 50% bonus. You're going to use promo code church, C-H-U-C-R-C-H to activate this offer. When you visit my bookie a-G. Today, when you visit my bookie.orgie. dot AG today and use promo code church. You play, you win, you get paid.

And if you're going to bet, this is the only place to bet. MyBooky. Now go get fucking paid, cucksuckers. Like I told you earlier, listen, I know you're setting up your goals and everything. You want a wife. Everybody wants this. Everybody wants that. But have you considered what the fucking...

What was the last time you scratch your fucking balls and sniffed them? What was the last time, ladies, your finger banged yourself and sniffed them? melt that fucking onion. During the day that onion gets fucking stinky and so does your nutsack. And you take your shit and you combine everything. Guess what it smells like down there? A fucking zoo. You don't need that in your life.

What you need is hellotushy.com. You're like, Joey, what's hello tushy? It's a fucking portable bidet. Did you see a bunch of them, a bunch of people tweeted them yesterday. How good and fucking, I mean, they're beautiful and it takes 15 minutes. You don't even need a plumber.

You can do it yourself. I did it myself and I'm fucking idiot and guess what happens once you install this your life will change rudy you won't leave the house i won't even see you won't even come on the podcast no more you'll call up and i'll go rudy you're not coming over no because i'm sitting on my hello to shiba day i grew up with bdama every home and i had a day that little hot water hitting your ass where you're gonna go what's the rush tell i said he waited 20 years tell him to go get teeth and get back to me you know what i'm saying If you want a clean ass in 2018, it all starts with a fucking bidet, a portable bidet.

Now, you're going to tell me, well, Joey, I got toilet paper, and then again on the side. Second side, you're telling me that you're concerned about the rainforest and all that shit. Listen, Tushy bidet will clean your ass better than any fucking toilet paper on the market.

And it uses nice, clean water to spray your butt, providing you with a shower-fresh fucking feeling every time you poop. You ever just take your finger in your ass and touch the rims and shit, and sniff it and you're like it smells like skin. Tremendous. That's what you want. And on top of that, you'll have no more skin marks,

no more dingleberries hanging from your fucking pubic hairs, just an asshole cleaning in a white fucking Christmas. They now come in a millennial pink and a blue to add a pop of color to your bathroom. And with two models with fancy bamboo knobs, and they started $69. You understand me? You're going to sit there and tell me

that you're going to let fucking $69 be the, difference from your asshole smelling like a sewer than from your asshole smelling like flowers, go to hellotushy.com and use code church, see you, C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your order today, right now, today. And get one for your girlfriend, too. You ever smell her asshole after fucking three Burger Kings? It smells like fucking debt.

That's not ever going to happen again because you're going to get her a hello-tushie bidet today. Go to hellotushy.com right now and use promo code church to have a cleaner ass. asshole in 2018. And to start to 2018 with a fucking bang, it's my bookie.ag. I love you as all. I wish you's all

fucking the best in 2018. We'll be back Monday night, 8 o'clock, ready to rock your motherfucking world. If you want to know more about Rudy, was there a web page? Is there a... Yeah, I'm easy to find Facebook. Twitter.

It's Instagram. He's everywhere. Reach out. Tell him hello and ask him if he's playing in your town soon, all right? I love you, motherfuckers. Happy New Year. Be safe on New Year's Eve, and we'll see you back here. New Year's Day, 8 o'clock.

Tip Top McGoo, ready, fucking mushrooms, acid, my sugar the pills, fucking stars of debt. We're going to let, he's healing right now, Lee. He's got the bronchitis.

He's on the pills. But fucking January 1st, we're coming out of your vengeance. I love you guys. Thank you for all. all the support and the love. Have a great new year, and we'll see you guys on Monday. Stay black.