The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #546 - Agostino Zoida

Episode Date: January 1, 2018

Agostino Zoida, a comedian, writer, and host of the "Home Schooled" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!     Recorded live on 01/01/2018.


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Lee, kick this fucking mule. Oh shit. Oh shit Listen You were Oasis in a fucking Cocktail Bar Alright

Uncle Joey here The Church of What's happening now Kicked him Muley Oh shit The church of what's happening now The New Year's Day

edition Ding-Ging Ding-Ging You know how many fucking gorilla biscuits I ate to this You know how many Quailudes I fucking

Dance for this fucking song? Seriously. Oh shit. That's the best part. That's right, you dirty bitch. I'll put you back there waiting on fucking people who don't tip. You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me. Don't don't believe you when you say that you don't need me.

It's what you let's find. Oh shit. Here we go. Move those shoulders, cock's like it. What? Loose enough. What? What?

Don't you want it, baby. Oh shit. That's the way Spanish people say. Don't you want it, baby. Church of what's happening here, Happy New Year. May this year be your best year on fucking record. You understand me?

You'll be healthy because without your health, you got dick. And with the health, everything else will fall into place. My guest tonight are fucking Di Agostino Zoy, my little brother, and the Christ killer.

The original, the Mazzo Cristo, Lysayat, freshman's New Year's trip to San Jose. Beautiful. He's a fucking savage, you know what I'm saying? He made San Jose a new New Year's... Destination, yeah? Just follow me from Long Beach to San Jose, the top trips in California.

What did you do up there? I did a lot of stuff. Don't even ask. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? Don't even ask them. Please. Oh, my God.

There's a museum. There's a computer history museum. That was cool. Went inside the house with Steve Jobs. It was, grew up and started Apple. We went to a place in Santa Cruz called the mystery spot. It was fucking awesome.

You want to Santa Cruz? Oh, yeah. We went to Santa Cruz. They have a place in the Redwood Forest where, for whatever reason, things just aren't the same. Like, compasses go crazy. You feel dizzy. Like, the house, like every building they try to build on this hill falls and slides.

The house. like you feel like you're like really did they felt like you had a what's the thing um vertigo oh my god it was cool and and uh we went on a tour there what else did we do yeah the computer history museum was really cool it was just seeing the birth of of computers a hundred years ago and we like but actually taking us back to like avocuses and like i didn't even know computers started with a punch card system like an actual paper card was telling a computer what to do. There wasn't any memory or anything in the computer.

It was pretty interesting. And yeah, it was, it's great up there. It was, I had the best sushi of my life up there. It was, with no valet parking, and everyone's nice. Everyone, like, everyone at any stores happy to see you. And it just, it doesn't happen on everywhere you go. So we had a great time up there. Very nice.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Anyway. Shout out to the bear. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, I was your New Year's, my friend. Very, very light. I loved it.

It was great. You didn't even think about going on. No. I don't want to. It's so weird how your life changes from New Year's. At one point, you can't think of not being out on New Year's. And at one point, you're like, okay, I'm not even doing Dick. Like, I was in bed of 10.

I went to Huntington Beach. Yeah. I ate two fucking edibles. And at 7.30, I knew it was going to be a rough night. Like, I'm like, I don't think I'm making a fucking minute. I had been on the beach. We walked half the fucking beach looking for seashells. If I didn't bend over once, I didn't bend over a thousand times and picked up fucked up shells and shark toots and shit.

So I knew it was going to be, you know, walking in the sand fucking rubs you up a little bit. Yeah. So we kept walking, walking, walking, daddy, let's go chase the seagulls. Let's go do this. I look back at the fucking bridge. I'm like, we're a mile down, Doug. That's a fucking walk. Yeah.

And last time, we're going to go to Derry Queen, but it was so fucking cold. Like, it had dropped so much at that point. And we didn't want to walk with her in the middle of fucking circles of people. We just said, fuck it. We stayed in and watched the, I watched Shark Tank. That was my fucking New Year's. And I sat there at one point, like, kind of depressed for like 20 minutes. Because I was like, what the fuck am I doing in my life?

I'm in Huntington Beach, I'm in the hotel with my wife and my daughter. My wife told me all three nights. She's like, you're not going to stay in? And all three nights, I stayed in. I was going to go out to watch the fight Saturday night. And I was like, why would I fucking want to go out? There's a way to watch on the computer. I got to just figure it out.

I call Lee. I got it on YouTube, and I was very happy just sitting there watching. I was content. It was the perfect end, like it was a vacation from the vacation, you know, which I don't really, I don't want to, listen, we got on a plane for a of me. So if you think a vacation for me is going to fucking Hawaii on a six hour flight and another six hour home, that's not a fucking vacation for me. That just reminds me of fucking work. You know what I'm saying? And I think there's so many, like Lee is right. There's a lot of places in California. Like, I'd like to go to Joshua Tree, but she gets sick. Yeah,

I was just thinking about that too. I got sick on the way down. I was going to ask you how she did this trip. Listen to me. We, I don't do much with Mercy and my wife because we can. cannot drive distances. Because for years it was a fucking puke fest. And you got to pull over and change clothes. And then again, no puke. It was just fucking difficult. We had to take the car and get detailed.

It was just a disaster. So we've been working it lightly. So Friday morning we get up, we get in a fucking car. You know, 6.30, 7.30. You know, lost man. We get up, bang, get in a fucking car. And we shoot down there. I feel great.

I had a protein shake. I had been up for an hour. I was already packed when I went to bed that night. I was fine. For some reason, my wife wasn't feeling well. She kept saying, Joey, if I tell you, I'm car sick, would you believe me? Meanwhile, the whole time, Mercy's singing.

The Melon John song came on that she knows from one of the fucking movies. And she was singing off the top of our lungs. and about 20 minutes out of whatever beach, Huntington Beach, where's where I finally broke down. Like it was just horrible. Like the last 10-minute ride on the 405,

I don't know how I did it. Wow. I kept drinking water. I had both windows open. I had the air on blasting. And I could feel tingles all on my body. And finally we pulled over and dog, I had to puke right here in my throat, okay?

Right there in my throat. And every motherfucker, wanted to stop at a yellow. I was ready to go through a fucking truck with the fucking car. Like, no, you did not stop at a fucking yellow light. No, you did not stop

in a fucking yellow light. And finally, I just pulled it into a street. And guys, let me tell you how bad my ear is at this point. That when I got out of the car, my leg gave out, and I just turned around and laid on the car

for like five minutes. And then push myself back, put my neck down, and just barfed. And I barked till I, like two minutes. I fucking wiped off my mouth with a towel. I washed my mouth out with water, and I opened up my jacket and took it off.

And this cold sweat came out of me. Oh, I hate that. Just this cold sweat came on my body. My wife came out of the car. By that time, I was able to walk around the car and sit in the passenger side and face the street. People were washing their cars, changing tires. I'm sitting there fucking laughing.

Shit. And I finally got back to the hotel, and they did something. and I told I gotta take a nap. That's what balances me back. It's like an hour nap. Whenever I get that car sickness, it's over for an hour. Like this, when I opened up for Wheeler Walker,

two weeks ago, three weeks ago, when I got to San Diego, I had to take a nap. Thank God I got the hotel, and thank God I left early. Should you get super car sick on in San Diego that time? Yeah, not super duper, but enough. Yeah. Like when I got there, I knew there was going to be a fucking problem if I didn't get my life together.

So I'd take a nap, get up, jump in the shower, eat something. I get really car sick, too. Usually it's all right if I'm driving, though. I remember when I first started working with you, like the first time when you got in the car to go to gig somewhere together, I was just like, oh, I'll drive. I'll get car sick if I don't. And you're like, guess what?

Me too, cocksucker. I'm fucking driving. No, no, no. I can't fucking do it. And it's weird because you go on Laurel Canyon four times a week, and that's really windy. Yeah, I get sick of the bottom. Okay, you do?

At the bottom of Laurel Canyon, Because the 405 is kind of straight at that point. So I'm very, knock on one, very lucky. I never had to deal with this. So does it have anything to do with the windy or it's just driving? It has to do with everything, I guess. For me, it was just for you. Listen, I started out with it, but then for years, it went away.

And then it just recently came back in my old day. So you regress, maybe. I don't know. When I was a kid, I couldn't fucking go to the corner on a bicycle. I would get carsick on a fucking bike. that bad. I would get carsick on a boat. I remember still going to Miami one time

and fishing and fucking passing out and them trying to wake me up. The fish they caught, they were cooking it and it was fucking delicious. That was brought me back. The fish that they handed me this fish. It was breaking. I don't forget that being like a seven-year-old kid

and eating the fish after I barfed everywhere on the deck and the Sunday had back on the fucking ship. Well, your daughter was good. That's good. Yeah, she was perfect. She was perfect. We're the ones that got sick.

But I'm telling you, it's still a 50-50 toss, bro. Yeah. On the way this morning, she had breakfast, a little bit of breakfast. You know, like, half a banana and strawberry, she didn't get sick, so I was happy about that, you know what I'm saying? I was thinking about you, D'Agostino. I'm going to even doing comedy for now. It's going to be in February nine years, I think? Nine years.

I started in 2009, February 2009. Like, it's weird. Today I bumped into somebody at the park. Before I called you, I was at the park today with the baby and fucking, and I bumped into a guy at the park and he goes, hey, how are you doing? Our kids know each other and we started talking about this. And they told me his wife had a podcast and that he was like a comic that never made the jump.

You know, we broke it down. And then we just sat there. We watched the kids play. And he goes, can you explain to me how you did it? You know, like the beginnings. What made you believe? And I was like, I went to New York. You know, I was lost for two or three years in comedy, the first two or three years.

I was really lost. I was just going to open mics. I didn't have a plan, even though I had read a book or two and had taken some comedy classes. I'd taken one class at that time. But I didn't really get the workload I was going to get what was ahead of me before I jumped into it. I thought you just got on stage and got this covered, as I said in this podcast many times. I didn't know that there was work behind it that yeah you could get discovered

and you'll get put somewhere and then you'll fail because you didn't have the chops and what was the sense of getting discovered Right So you know there's like a pattern There's like a process There's like a commitment level You know when you

When I got to Colorado in 93 I knew I was going to be a comic I knew I was set to be a comic I never knew I'd be in L.A. and nothing like that. I just thought I'd be on the road. I thought I'd be one of those comics that just worked on the road.

You know what I'm saying? That the success was working on the road. There was no TV credits. There was no film credits. It was just road work. That's what I thought I could accomplish, you know? So I attacked it. And at first, I just attacked it very wildly.

I went on triple runs. And then when I was home, I'd just get on every open mic that I did. and there was nothing really going on with it. And then by the time I got to Seattle, in June of 95, was when I realized that I had to treat this as I would treat a business.

And it went right back to my car salesman days. I went back to my car salesman days. At the beginning of the month, we're all zero. Me, you and Lee, on the first of the month, we're all zero. And that's how we worked a month. Now you start learning a path of how to work. Thank God I sold cars.

You could do two of it. Okay, so I'll go to Lee and go Lee. What do you need on the 31st of January? And Leo going, you know, I need $2,300. And I'll go, what do you need, the Agosteanor? I need $3,200. And what do you need, Joey? I need $2,800.

And you sit there and you analyze this. You go, how am I going to break this down into weeks? because on the 15th there's a car salesman you always get a draw so you could sit on your ass for those two weeks you don't really have to do much

What does that mean a draw? A draw, they just give you $1,500 After a while you develop a trust with them and they'll just give you $1,500 instead of just taking all your car deals and everything

fuck it we'll just give you $1,500 and then at the end of the month we'll watch you out and I'm sure you'll make $1,500 plus and then we'll give you the balance of your money on the fifth of the month.

So what you tend to do is get lazy as a salesman. You know you got a check coming on the 15. Because you got that 1500 already. For 1,500 on the 15th. So you decide to go to work at the second half of the month. You get strategic. And even though I was on Coke, and even though I was fucking young and stupid,

I looked at the guys that were making money and I figured out what they were doing. They were very strict about their time. They were very strict about their appearance. They were very punctual. They followed up. They had a pattern to follow up. You know, I would go into work and just fucking pull out the deal sheets I had and call people.

Go Diagostino, you're still interested in that car? Come on down? No. These guys had a notebook with a time when they called them and what they said and notes. And when I started doing it that way, that's when I started. Last time we spoke, you were looking at the Volvo, Diagostino. Did you pick up the Volvo? No, no.

So I took that same plan like that I was doing for. for car sales and put it into comedy. And what the plan was basically was the same thing. What do we need to make you a nut every month, De Agostino? Now you like selling what, new cars? That means you're gonna make 150 your car and fucking whatever you get back from the dealer.

So the dealer has like, if you call the dealer, after you sell the car, and either they give you $100 to $250,000, $50. So your average is going to be $150 to $100. That's $250 your car. What was your number? His was $32.

$32. What's $2.50 into $32? Like $14 or something like that. You've got to sell 14 cars. So how are we going to fucking sell 14 cars? That's seven cars per quarter. First of all, you're not going to sell it on UPS. UPS is fresh meat.

You're going to do 50% of that business on Ups. But they're going to be. people that you spoke to the month before. We followed back with. Yeah. And that's why your numbers have to be high. Your percentages have to be high. So you have to break it down into a business, just like that.

So what do I need to sell 14 cars divided by four is fucking what? Four cars are a fucking week. You got to sell four fucking cars a week so your kids eat. So now what do you do? You got to be there the whole time. That's going to kill you. What good is happening?

having money if you don't have your fucking, if you don't see your kids. Right. So your time becomes fucking valuable. So I took all those elements from car sales and then I put them into, it took me four years. But I finally go, oh. So what did that mean? That meant that I kept records now. I took a notebook and I would put in January 1st, I would put, okay, this year I'm going to do 300,

your fucking sets. Because I was living in Boulder. And in Boulder, I was doing 16 sets a month. And I had to drive all over God's creation. I had to do triple runs to get 16 sets a month. In Seattle, I could get 20 sets a month just staying in Seattle and hustling. You could do the three clubs and guest sets and do 20 fucking sets without doing anything. So I figured to get really good at comedy, you need to do 300 sets a year.

You know what 300 sets a year is? That's 25 fucking sets a month. That means if I go on the road all four fucking weeks, I'm only doing 20 fucking sets. I still got to work on my days off. But you can't do that. So what do you do? You count all these little fucking gigs of sets. That's why you do those three set nights because you're like, ooh, I got that off my fucking back.

You know what I'm saying? Even I always have goals when I'm in town, three sets a week. I don't want you out every night But if you do three sets a week and two podcasts I'm pretty fucking happy If somebody gives me two spots on a fucking Tuesday And I still got a Thursday and a Saturday Then I'm really fucking happy

I picked up four Do you guys get the urge Does doing this spot make you want to do another one Do you like multiple spot nights? Absolutely Especially if you're chasing a goal If your goal is you have set different type of goals Where are you trying to do it?

You're trying to be funny and get comfortable on stage, that means you got to keep fucking going down there. Forget about the funny. Let's just get comfortable, learn how to set the mic down and all that. This is all baby steps. That people never really look at these little things

when it comes to comedy. But you could still do this. You could still apply these things, whether you're a computer tech or a plumber, whatever the fuck you are. You could still apply all these same things that I did from the car sales into the comedy to increase, to increase. To increase.

my comedy thing and then it just really it dawned on me after about a year of comedy i went to a toyota place and what that guy that i've had him call into the podcast for like the one year we had him calling on the first day of the year to talk about goals and it was the same thing now i go wait the second how do i get funny how do i fuck do i get funny so how do i get funny and then you have to write like three things under it. Get on stage, write funny material, and fucking you get to come up with a third one.

And then every day go back to it and rewrite it. Like that's how strict my fucking work ethic was then with comedy. By the time I got to Seattle, I was making a living because I put all the things in order.

What was a living? I was making an 800 a month. And I would have to drive to Bremerton, to fucking Tacoma, shit like that. You know what I'm saying? But I still, I don't have to take a plane or drive long distances. The longest I ever drive to was to the Tri-Cities,

like Spokane and all that out there. They have a comedy club out there now in Spokane. I can't go because of the warren. But we're trying to get rid of the warren. We're trying to get rid of the war. In fact, they got to call Greg and wish them a happy new year. But I just wanted to go over what your goals are at the nine-year mark. Yeah.

Maybe to help you out and to help other comics or people who listen to the show, just to go. I mean, you're as, but, you know, and I was thinking about you Friday night. I went to dinner with one of my young agents. Right. How do you know? You told me. We were talking about you. We were talking about you.

Your name came up during the thing, and I'm like, that's really wild that he asked me about Diagostino, and he goes, they like your set somewhere. You were really funny. I told him that you were a good writer. So I go, you know what, man, Diagistino has never quit. You know, you have your little day gig, but you're always putting together little hustles. I try to give you some work. Shuby gives you some work.

Yeah. This guy gives you some work. And that's what you do. This is the life of the comic. This is where you're at right now. And if you freak out, you're freaking out for no reason because this is the life of the comic. Like when I met Simone, this is what you, you were Simone. Oh, really?

And now Simone headline last night at the fucking Minnesota, the Mall of America. Yeah. He's been working a lot. Is it Madison Square Garden? No, it isn't. But my point is that this is what you're looking at now. You have to sit down and go, all right, what do I want to accomplish this year? This year I want to do 30 more minutes.

I want to do four spots of a week, and I want to get into six new clubs. And maybe book a commercial. Let's get really creative. Maybe book a commercial. Maybe in June I bump into a commercial age, you know, take my head shot. And next thing, you know, I'm in a fucking tied commercial. commercial with your fucking Italians jumping up and dumb. Mom, where's my sweater?

Mom, where's my sweater? And how do you, like, if there's a comedian out there listening, how are you guys realistic with where you are, like, with your goals? Like, if a one-year comedian is doing his goals right now, it has to go out with this year I want a headline, you might say that's not realistic. No. Yeah, you definitely should keep realistic. I mean, you got to have realistic goals.

I mean, it's not like It's not like I wouldn't want to have like a fucking special this year But I mean, I know that I that's not my list So I want to write Just on the outside looking in Like comedy looks very frustrating as a profession Because there's really no guideline There's no there's no ranking

There's like it just kind of happens At everyone's individual pace So to know Like I know you have to be realistic but maybe you're supposed to reach a little bit. So at a five years, are you supposed to,

is that too early to want a headline? No, no. I know a lot of people were headlined in three years. Wow. But let me ask you a question. What do you consider a headliner?

A guy who does 45 minutes or a headliner. Right. Okay. So, yes, there's people who, they move up the ranks quickly. I was not one of those people.

They move, with the ranks a little bit too quickly and their headline but i go back to that penzo commercial from the 90s you could pay me now or you can pay me later you have to put the hours on the man in the same thing you do with jihitsu same thing you do a karate all these arts you have to put that time in there's something about that time now excuse me what's time joey okay Let's pretend you are headlining. No TV credits, no nothing. Just funny guy.

You got 45 minutes. I've heard your shit before. I'm not calling you a thief. I'm just saying that you know Johnny Originato. Right. But you got your moments, okay? And, yeah, you're working triple runs. You're doing one-nighter, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, you're a headliner, but it's a different headliner. Now, let's say you get into one of the chains. and again, you still live in Oklahoma, but you work those chains. You're getting somewhere. You know what I'm saying? After 10, 12 years, you become a good headliner.

But guess what? At the 20-year mark, you become a really fucking good headliner. You know, it's interesting. When we started the podcast, they were speaking about Dave Chappelle. Right. And right now,

you, Lee, there's a bunch of people that are young that think that Dave Chappelle had the Chappelle show and he came from that. The Chappelle show was what? 2000. I'll look it up around that time, yeah.

It was a long time ago. 2000, what is it? First episode aired, 2003. Oh, three, okay? I know Chappelle banging it in 93. I remember Chappelle being in that movie Robin Hood, Menon,

in shorts. Men in tides, yeah. Men in tights. And, you know, he had development. When I was doing comedy four years, Chappelle was already on his way to be a start. They just couldn't find the right vehicle. He was in the 90-professor wasn't? He was doing movies.

He was in con air. But they were trying to put him in a fucking TV show. ABC game deals. He had a bunch of fucking deals. And if I'm not mistaken, he even shot a few pilots. He had a pilot with somebody. Greg Kinnear, somebody he had a pilot with.

They just could not find the perfect. And look if they found that. He found it with Neil Brennan in a sketch comedy black show, telling the truth, you know, stories telling the truth, Charlie Murphy, him, you know. So he turned the whole culture around. I mean, if you look at his shows, it's not fucking black people jumping up and down. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

It's not black people all jumping up and down. So let's look at a guy like that. He's been doing comedy since the 80s, mid-80s, late 80s. You know, he's not this good because he just got up. He's been in there for 30 years, guys. He's been in there for 30 years. What do you, I mean? That's experience.

It is experience. And that's not, I don't want to. I haven't seen the comedy store special. But the first one, I saw the first one. Where he opens up talking about how good he is, was very interesting. Which is fucking tremendous. Because it's not what you say, it's how you say it. Okay?

It was very brilliant. As I was looking at it sitting there going to myself, the way he's saying that he's stealing the show. He's not lying either. Yeah. He's not lying. He's that good. He's not lying.

He knows he has a sentence. He mesmerizes you. Right. Mesmerizes you like no comic has in the last 20 years. He has a different persona to him. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. to the regular black man,

you know, to the regular white man, he looks like a harmless black dude, you know what I'm saying? So I don't know, I don't know what his appeal is. He appeals to me, he's a very sweet guy. And I saw the first special, and I didn't watch the whole thing

because I was tired. You know, like I always say, you can watch 30 minutes, and then you got to go to fucking bed. And, uh, It was just great to see that But I know that body of work Took 30 fucking years

You know That took 30 fucking years A lot of people at home Think he just, they think he probably just gets up The same way I thought about stand-up I thought you just got up and fucking You know Yeah you had it or you didn't

Yeah that's it no no no Yeah no it just takes There's tons of work in this league There's tons of work, patience eating shit taking shit sleeping on floors sleeping on beds

you know your buddy making your drive at one in the afternoon and sitting in the strains town for six hours with nothing to do it's just a thousand fucking things that you sit there and go what the fuck am I doing in my life but this is your passion

maybe this is one of your final fuck I know it was my last frontier there was nothing more past this So right now you're at the nine-year mark. You're featuring. Yeah. Right?

And what are you looking for for this year? Like, what is a guy like you looking for? First of all, like, for this year, I like, I write, I wrote a couple things down, you know? You need a pen? Yeah. I don't like doing, like, news resolutions. You know what I mean? I feel like that's just setting your, like you were saying, like, dieting is never going to work.

You know, it's a lifestyle change. It's like the same thing. New Year's resolutions. they don't fucking work. I just write things down. That just makes me keep more organized and just cross them off one by one. So a couple of things on the list is, I mean, I just want to get more spots. I mean, I am in a place where I'm seeing guys that have been doing it less time than me

or the same amount of time as me. They just get way more spots than I do. I mean, I'm sure that, you know, they're out there way more than I am. And I just feel like I kind of hit like a wall. And I want to just maybe kind of start getting into acting now. like you said maybe get a commercial agent that's one thing that i want to do this year right at the nine year mark for me it was two i started in 91 so what's nine years two thousand by two thousand doing comedy yeah nine years i had a fucking shitty manager

i had a shitty agent i was uh getting pulling in 80% of the work myself you know me i'm a fucking killer when it comes to that shit. I was getting breakdowns. And I can't know. I'm gonna, I lied to you about a manager. From about 98 to 2000, 2001, I had a great manager. He was just more aggressive than what I needed at the time. I wasn't that good. He knew how to fucking take you, make you an actor, get you a deal, and then put you on the

road with the right people. He was born and raised. He was a belly of old kid. He was just a tough Jew. and he had a temper and he would yell at people and hang up phones and tell people to go fuck themselves. But on the other side, he wasn't scared to pick up the phone, which was why I loved him. He'd call anybody and try to muscle him at any fucking time. Like, listen, man, and he was very intelligent.

Before he made the call, he'd get very knowledgeable about the subject. Break it down and call you and say, DeAgostina, these other facts. Two years ago, your show on ABC was this, this, this demographic. What you need is a more little rich. in character. Why don't you come see my man, Joe D. is at the improv tonight at 8.30. Put him on your show. Let's write him into episode four.

We could still save the fucking season. Wow. He was those type of Jews, you know what I'm saying? So that was impressive. He would call you up on a Monday. Oh, listen. Thursday night put together seven minutes about gambling. I'm trying to get you on this show on HBO.

I'm having the writers come down. And next to, you know, you're talking to the writers, and they're telling you what direction. but at least you get to talk to the people or putting the show together. He got right to the source. You know, he didn't go to the producers. He went right to the writers.

If he had a problem, he went to a producer. And he said, your show sucks. This is what you need to save your show. Lys Ayat is a magician. And fucking DiAgostino is a pizza maker that's backwards and shit and he's half-retarded. That'll make a fucking show. He was one of those type of managers.

I got, with him, I booked Baseball. Okay. And I booked something else. But I really worked as a comic. Was that in 2000? I think basketball was 98.

When I met him, I had just booked the pilot for CBS. He didn't close the deal. He made me work for a little while. And I booked something like a commercial. I booked like a Coke commercial. And he saw it. And he called me. He goes, hey, I saw you in a Coke commercial.

Come on now. Let's talk next week. So I'll never forget that before he spoke to me, he called a few agents to try to get me meetings and nobody wanted to see me, except one fucking agent. Okay, I learned a valuable lesson this day. And he goes, meet me at such and such place. He bought me lunch. And he goes, here's what's going on.

I reached out to 13 agents, and he gave me their names, and he goes, none of them wanted to meet with you. He goes, I got one person who's in love with you. let's go see and I go what's her name and he told me I forget what her name was

this is 99 maybe and you know when you're looking for an agent you want to be going the other direction on sunset you know what I'm saying towards Beverly Hills

towards the comedy store yeah you know what I'm saying this we met somewhere and instead of getting the car making a right he made a left and I'm like what the fuck are we going

and next thing you know he's making a left on the island This is 98 He's making an North Don Highland Oh my goodness Now a 98 Highland was beat the fuck up Before you hit that thing Where they have parking there

Like that little circle Yes Okay before you hit that circle That whole area Was perversion and crack Right there I would go to Three days a week And sell pornoes on the phone

When I moved here There was a job that I paid $8 an hour And you go there And every day was a new set of freaks. If you stayed the day, they gave you an extra $10 bonus. I would send you down there. It was fun. I learned how

to sell shit. I worked there for as long as I could, which was about four weeks. And I sold pornos on the phone. To who? To fucking... People who watch pornos. People watch poros and fucking... Individuals, not the store? Yeah, they give you a list of names and you call

stores. Hey, how you're doing... What's the pitch like? Hey, how you're doing the Agostino here from whatever films? you know, I'm going to call you and see if you've seen a new inventory. What do you got? Tell me what you got. Well, we got fucking sex on sex with medgets.

We've got people vomiting on each other. I would never even watch the movies. I would just take the names and they'd say, yeah, send me three, four. We have an account with you already. Thanks for calling, yeah, you're my new account. Because people quit all the time. But in there, I remember coming out of there one day, walking, coked out, like from the night before.

Yeah. Just showing up because I have. had no else to talk to, I was living right there in Hollywood, and I was getting checks from the Taco Bell commercial. And there was two hotels that were cousins. You could stay there for 10 days, and then they asked you to leave. But you had to go to the other one. After 10 days, you'd go back to the other one.

But you couldn't stay longer than 10 days. And since I lived there, I didn't want to go. At that time, a 65-65 sunset, that building was all telemarketing. You go in there and you get a job that day. bucks an hour selling fucking insurance or something like that. I wanted to sell porn on commission. I went up there. I had money, so I didn't give a fuck.

I had Taco Bell money. Oh, shit. So I was going up there just to fuck around. I was making $80.90 a day. But I still remember one day walking out of there and buying Coke. That's how bad that street was.

And in that street, there's a middle building. It's still there. There's a building. That building was filled with garbage. Telemarketing scan. all that shit. On the fourth floor was an agency. And I still remember walking into the hallway

and looking up in the ceiling towel being removed and going, this is the fucking agent that wants to sign me. I was like embarrassed. I was like heartbroken. Like all his clients were with top-notch fucking agents and nobody wanted to sign me except this fucking little

five-foot-two Jewish ball of fire from Chicago that didn't give a fuck that wore blue fucking blue fucking shadow shit over her eyeballs and she'd sit there all day just pitching you on the fucking phone like an animal and I was like I don't know

I'll get back to you over the holiday she's seen fucking stern jack she was like listen if you sign with me this is how we do shit here and I was like bro we're in a fucking building that sells cracked what the fuck are you talking about I walked I don't remember I don't figure

how heartbroken I was. And then something happened and I had a sign with her. And she fucking worked, guys. This lady was a fucking worker. She would get me out three days a week for everything. And I was on fire with it.

I forget the shit I booked. She got me and analyzed that fucking Spider-Man 2. Wow. Fucking that movie, a lot of TV. If you look at my MDB, a lot of that TV from 99 to 2003 was her.

Then she snapped because her parents owned the fucking refrigeration kingdom in Chicago. They were millionaires. So she snapped, went back. Then they gave her a bunch of money. Something happened. They're trying to make her find the husband. Who the fuck. Did you go right away to a different agent when she left?

Right away, you had someone that wanted you by that went to go fast. No, no, no, no. You still got to go down to Samuel French and get the agent book. and fucking get your picture and type up a resume and put them all in there and type up a cover letter write up a cover letter by hand to show them that you're an animal

Is that how it works still today? That's the only way I would do it. So like Describe what you're going through right now Like maybe like just like what it's like Trying to get an agent or a manager Without when you don't have one

I mean I don't even know where to begin I've never tried. Even for stand-up, I've never had an agent. I never had a manager. I mean, when you were at the nine point, you had one already, I guess, huh? Well, I was here. I was here, and there were things going on. So I needed one to help me get acting stuff.

That's why I went with her. I had no choice but to go with her because Jeff, who was my manager's assigned, he had assistance to working things. Okay, when he would get. up in the morning. Jeff would get up at 5 a.m. and he would look through the breakdowns where all the jobs would be. So by 6.30, and there would be 50 pages of breakdowns, guys. Jesus. And he knew all his clients in his head, and you just go through all these sheets and circle the clients that you want for auditions. You just circle. And then most people do what traditional people do.

What I did. You take a headshot. You put a resume in there. You put a cover letter and Pray for the best. Pray that she actually opens it and takes your head shut out. But people like that could send a picture messenger. She has to sign for it, which means she'll open it. And then they call. If you look at a lot of breakdowns, they'll always say on top, we do not accept calls.

That's for fucking people who believe that shit. To get your clients in there, you've got to call. If you don't call, you're not going to get your clients in it. you got to call and see what's going on this is who we have for this who's di agostino he just moved here from italy you know it doesn't matter

he's perfect for the role you're gonna love him so taco bell was 94 what did you say 98 Taco Bell was like 98 so you were 97 98 7 8 years in a stand-up you already did a commercial I was in stand-up

yeah I was I got here at 97 and I had been doing stand up six and a half years seven years but as soon as i got here that was the one thing i got signed to the best commercial agent in town sudden barthaminarie at the time with top notch all across the board and brother it was like i signed with them like on tuesday it took like a week i got like one or two and then it took off like if you didn't book with them you're not going to have a future here because nobody did a better job it didn't

stop. I had a pager in those days. Rogan has spoken about an Ari and all those guys. I had a pageer in those days. This is how your day started. From six at night to about eight, you'd get a page or a call. Hey, DiAgostina, how you doing? Michael Dell, Sutton, Barton, Vinari. You're going in tomorrow for Tide. 1045, Santa Monica, Fifth Street. Yeah, dressed with a red shirt. Okay. Okay, thank you, boom. That's it. You got a 10.45. That's how your day started.

So, when you went out that night to do comedy, you knew you had to go home early. You got to go home early and get some sleep because you had to be at Santa Monica Fifth Street at fucking 1045. You get up, boom, eat breakfast, shoot down to Santa Monica, walk in there about 10 o'clock. You know, get in there early, get the fuck out of there, so you get the rest of your day going. You go down there, you read. by the time you walk out of that to your car you get another page from there where you are at

I'm walking out of Taco Bell all right take the car and go to Ocean Drive you got a 1215 and you're like fuck 1215 I came down there at 10 I was doing the right thing so they got to sit down there that's why you bring a book a movie whatever

and then I went to the other plane and then when you walked out of there you got in your car and you made it all the way back to Hollywood And by the time you make it back to Hollywood, maybe an hour later, you get another page, where you're at? Hollywood, perfect. Go down to 200 South LaBreya.

They're looking for a plumber for a fucking Geico commercial. And you went over by Pecco on LaBrea? On top of that, there's auditioning up there. And you went there, parked your car, you couldn't park in the parking lot. The fucking side street is 4 to 6, and the fucking front is fucking a quarter for two seconds. You know what I'm saying? It's a quarter for three seconds.

By the time you turn around, your court is gone. And there's a black chick with a fucked up hairdo with donuts on the hair, fucking giving you a $52 ticket. So it's torture, dog. It's torture. It's a horrible living. Because sometimes you go upstairs and you forget to come down and put a quarter in the meter. And you come out and you got a $52 fucking ticket.

All that shit where you go for auditions is heavy-duty ticketing. So you better have $10.000. quarters in your fucking car at all times. I only ever wanted to be a stand-up. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I never reached out to try to get a commercial agent ever. I didn't either. But the problem is that it's the back door.

Right. And sometimes you have to look, sometimes you have to go to the back door to get to the front door. You know, so that was the way I looked at it. My strategy was, I came here and I was already a regular at the store. That really fucking helped me. So that put me in the other two clubs. clubs kind of sort of. Jamie let me do Monday nights and the improv gave me one, maybe two spots a week if I was lucky. So from the store I worked that angle. Like I would just, but

you have to, it was a different time then. It wasn't 9-11 yet. Before 9-11 and a little after 9-11 security tightened and casting agents won't let you go into Sony no more. Like, There was a time I could walk up to the Sony game, and I could have an envelope and go, hi, I'm here to see Carol Witherspoon. What's your name, Joey Dears? I just want to drop this off, I don't need to see it. It's for an audition. And the guard knew you from a different audition,

and he'd let you in. And you go to her office and drop the envelope off, and the casting assistant would see you. And she'd go, who are you? I'm here to drop this off for the Roll of Rudy. I just saw it, and the breakdowns. I thought I would be good for her. and she'd look at you and go, that's great.

Leave me a number. If you leave your number, you get an audition. So that doesn't happen anymore. People don't go down there. I don't think people have the spunk to do that anymore. So it's not that it's frowned on to do it. No, no, no. Listen, as a casting director, your job is to book that job with the right person.

You don't give a fuck where you find them. If I feel, if I felt that aggressive, and I got to tell you something, I went after maybe 12 rows aggressively, and I probably got eight of them, the percentages were high. You know, maybe in casting, they decided to make the guy black or thin, or they wanted to go with a more seasoned actor,

somebody who got a little bit of a name. But all those angles I took, like I would drop off pack. Like, I remember dropping off an envelope one time for Arliss. I'm getting a call that afternoon and booking it. And it ended up being an episode with James. James Coburn. Wow.

You know, the tape went to producers, and one of my friends from the comedy store was a producer. So it was an envelope I dropped off. That's a different type of mind game. That's to keep yourself busy. See, when I fucking, when you slip and fall with a Jew attorney and they're trying to sue somebody,

they'll tell you you got to go to the doctors, so every day. You start going to therapy or anything you could go to the scam because you're putting the timing and you're punching it. Yeah. The same applies to this career that we have. The more you punch into something, the more you get from it. If somebody's given a free acting class at North Hollywood High School from 6 to 9 and you can make it, make it.

I'd go for free and get the basics and fuck around and pay $200. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. The little more you take. Especially you just want to dabble a little bit in your way. You don't need to be, listen, you don't need to be Olivier, the book. shit. I was no Olivier when I booked the Taco Bell commercial

made me fucking money that I'd never seen before. You know, when I booked a pilot for CBS, I was no fucking Olivier. You know, I was just a regular fucking Schmo. I had a look they liked. Even though it's a fucked up look. You know, I adhered to their role and I lucked out, you know.

I could play like a pimp. I could play a gangster. I can play an Italian fucking hip man. I can play a fucking pizza man. I can play a garbage man. Look at Donner's for you. You know, there's so many fucking things I could do. They just are so specific. You get a lot more work than I did at that age.

At your age right now, you get a lot more auditions than I would get when I got here. Because when I got here, I was 30-something fucking years old. I was already longer the tooth by their standards. What about the guy who's got the day job and, you know, just wants to be a stand-up comic, so that's what he does at night. And so now he wants to get into acting. commercial, you know, just to get some work that way. I mean, they're paging you three times in a day. There's no day job anymore.

No. You got to let go of it. You're not in union, right? So you would be, you would get a lot of work in the beginning to season you up. You would just get a lot of work, man. And like I say, the more involved you are, the more chances you've got to go in a row. There's nothing like going on a roll until you're in it. Like, there's a guy.

used to train with that one on a fucking three-month roll. Listen, they may never happen to him again, or he may stay like this for a long time. But going on a row is shooting a job, taking a week off, shooting another job, taking a week off, shooting a job, then it starts to be a job every week. Like, I booked four national commercials, four weeks in a row.

Three, three, three, three weeks in a row on a Thursday, I shot a national commercial. Wow. That is crazy. for me that's crazy but excuse me I was very lucky there's people in Hollywood that shoot a commercial every week and you see them

you guys that watch TV see these people that are the same commercial actors on everything they shoot every week bro because let me tell you something you shoot every week because half the shit you shoot don't get picked up that's scary I mean it's scary just to thinking about how much time

and money is spent on things that people will never see. Like, that's another thing that must... Like, we always talk about people who left. But, like, I don't think we consider, like, how terrible some things must be to deal with.

Like, can you imagine? Like, I know Bill Burr had to show canceled. He left and came back, but... Like, that... Like, there must be things that happen throughout your career that much make you want to go home. Nothing makes you really want to go home. home if this is what

you really want to do. I mean, do you know what I'm saying? If this is what you really want to do, you know the process, you know the deal, you've heard the fucking stories, this isn't something that, you know, just came to you.

This is part of the process. You just don't take your ball and go home when it starts raining. You just don't take your ball and go home. You wait for the rain to fucking end. You're going through a bad street. And unless you listen Unless you're getting blown

By fucking people on a peep show For $2 a night Unless they torture you in Korea Town Or something like that And you're sucking fucking Japanese dick in Korea Town It's not that bad here There's always an existence here

I don't give a fuck what you tell me There's always a job somewhere That you could be a fucking bus boy And somebody's always got a couch in this town You know why? Because I did it for the first four or five years I was here Thank God for people like Ralphie Mae and Josh Wolf and others that let me fucking, you know, go fucking hand the mouth on a daily basis.

But let me tell you something, I never sat there all day either. I always hustled, brother. I always dropped off an envelope. I was always somewhere trying to write a joke. And I was on stage every fucking night. I didn't have a child. I really had a girlfriend sometimes. I had no responsibility, and I didn't want it responsibility.

I did comedy for a living, and that's how I thought. That was my brain. I didn't care about holidays. I didn't care about New Year's. I didn't care about seeing people. I sacrificed that part of my life for years to do comedy. You know, I would call the store in those days Sunday to Sunday. These last two weeks, I would get spots seven nights a week at the store.

You know, I was always at the store But I wouldn't get to the store till midnight So what are you going to do till midnight I said at your house? You'll fall asleep So I would go to Willie Barsena's rooms and all those rooms Yeah And just sharpen up fly and you know And there's still those rooms out there

Those rooms are there I just not a hip to it because they don't haul no more Because you know I'm not going to go to one of those fucking Shootin' Up rooms no more Unless it's like a friend of mine who I really trust and like I go out a lot during the week I know about all those rooms I mean, I'm doing those spots.

You know, there's just, uh, it's just something, you know, like, uh, I probably shouldn't feel this way, but like, you know, you're going on, like, Twitter or something or Instagram. You start seeing, like, everything for the night before. Just like, you just feel like I'm missing out and stuff. You know, there's always comics that are doing something that are better than me. You know what I mean? So, I don't know. I feel like I've hit a wall here where, like, people know me, but they don't.

You know, I occasionally get spots at the store. They're giving me, like, once a month and now, like, not anymore. And, uh, so, I, I mean, I just, I mean, I just, Just like you said, I think that I have to go through the back door now. I've hit a point where I've got to switch something up. I've got to go in another way. Let's talk about the back door. It was Tony Bennett.

I want to be around to pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart, somebody twice as smart as I. What's up? Charlie who will swear to be true. As you used to do with me. Not really. Who leave you to learn?

I had three stars. Perfect. That misery loves company. LSD. Wait and see. LSD. Let me get some shoutouts here to some beautiful fucking people. Dante Gazzini, Ali Baz, Baker X, Rock Dad, Adam UK, Montel Bamboo, Tony Romero, Christian Sherman, and Megan 715.

One of my fucking favorites, you sexy savage. Anyway, next thing you know, you're fucking doing two to fucking fool for calling somebody sexy savage. because it's a fucking federal offense to call some sexy savage on a podcast. The backdoor isn't interesting because it took me about four years to realize they hated me

at every level. They just hated me. Everybody passed on me. There was a rare glimpse that CAA in 1999 wanted to fucking sign me for comedy. There was a developed me.

There was a rare. Then it went away. It went away because I had a pitch. And the pitch was okay until HBO said, no, we don't, we're not going to do that. We're going into the holiday. So the guy from the CIA liked me until that went away. That was what happened.

But at that time, I realized Montreal wasn't going to, the dirty show, that was all bullshit. They were not going to give me a shot. So I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? And I was sick and tired and going to movies, just like stand-up. you know one day you know one day you keep going on your local club and then booking these fucking morons and one day you just go fuck this i'm gonna disappear for a month and i'm gonna go get really good

and come back and rock me that's exactly what you do yeah and now you're getting worked there but the same thing happens with stand-up how do you become a stand-up you're watching tv and you go what the fuck i'm funny in this fucking asshole and that's it but what acting the same thing happens How many times are you in a movie and you go, wait a second? I could have done this role. Yep, yeah. Like, I was pissed. Why would analyze this?

The first one, I went on a date. And I remember her asking me, like, after an hour, what do you, why does that look on your face? And I was like, no, no, nothing. The lights bothering me or whatever. I was just angry because I was living here. I didn't know about any of this shit. Yeah.

Like, I was pissed about it. And let me tell you what else Uncle Joey did, but I think I mentioned on the podcast one time. I had this goofy manager. Goofy, goofy. Good dude, though. Good dude. Solid.

I still talked to him. I wasn't with him at this time. I was a Jeff Gellon. And I'm in New York City. And I'm just doing like rascals. I'm doing the old governors when it was a fucking armpit. This is 98, 99. I'm doing, uh, Jesus Christ.

I'm doing like shit gigs. Roger Paul, you know, one-nighters and stuff. I was at with Loobs. And I'm in Jersey, I'm eating Chinese food on there for like four days. And I go into the city, and I drop off a tape

for something, some TV show. That Gatlin told me to, then he called me the next thing. He goes, you ever another reel? And I go, yeah. And I dropped it off at some other place. And then one day, guess who fucking calls me? My old manager.

He goes, hey, man, I just got off the phone with this lady. She wants you to drop a tape off for this new show, The Sopranos. I go, what is it about singers? About opera singers? And he goes, I really don't know. I think it's something to do with the mafia or something like that, and that's a tape I didn't drop off. But, you know, what difference would I have made, you know?

I had book shit. I hadn't book shit like that before. I didn't really know the variables. going in there. Later on, I went in for the Sopranos, but at that time. But the first thing I did was, I'll never forget, I was in a fucking hotel room in Dallas, Texas, and it was Sunday morning. I was on fire. I was on fire. I was at the store every fucking night with Joe Rogan and Eddie Griffin and Andrew Dice Clay and Paul Mooney and Doug Stanhope and it just got me sharp. Like I had been on the road for nine months.

You know, I went on the road and I left in 99 and came back in 2000. I used to be one of those assholes. There was a big shoot out here. People, if you hear sirens and helicopters, we heard about, what, eight or nine fucking gunfights here. So, you know, I don't know, by the train. It could have been by the train station. It was a fucking weak dog When I went to Dallas

And I don't want to say that A line I was working with But I was fucking burying him I was just burying them guys And it was getting obvious It was starting to get obvious It was starting to get out And all I had was like 35

Did any part of you think about Towing it down? Not even close This was Dallas, Texas And I was going on there Before this guy And just buried him But I was doing blow

I was eating like a savage I didn't really give a fuck And I never forget waking up in a hotel room That Sunday morning And all those like I woke up like from the coke A little pissed off And I'm like I can't believe I'm here Taking orders from this fucking mutt

He's probably getting three grand for the week And here I am getting a small fucking 750 You know with no fucking plane ticket And I got to stay and do an extra show On Sunday for the handicapped cab or something like that. It's some fucking, you know, some bullshit. You know, you're like, wonder, what the

fuck is my career going? I mean, I'm very fortunate to have this feature work. But this is bullshit. I can be fucking knocking him out of the park. He ain't doing nothing special. Ain't nobody coming to see him. Yeah. Nobody coming to see this fucking fool, you know? It's not like he's a headliner.

No, and he was a headliner. But still, nobody was going to see him. And he's getting 15, and you're getting five. 500. They barely want to get him. Give me that. I'll never forget. I came home and I borrowed 500 bucks from Josh Wool. Like a thousand, like 500 bucks. And I went to the suit place. In Hollywood 2.L.A.

I got three suits for 200 bucks. And I went to a van der Chubbick and signed up for acting classes. And I gave him the rest of the money. And I said, I'm not going on the road. I'm just going to take acting classes. And I went to acting class. This is how I did the back way, if you really want to know. I went to acting classes and I still did stand up at night but I focused heavy on what they were talking about and again I started talking to the people in acting classes

and here these people paying $200 a month times three because they're going to three different things a month for classes for training and they're not even working they're being told they're not even perfect for work and I'm looking at these guys going are these fucking kids serious like I'm telling you

you're paying me money and I'm telling you Diagostino and you're Lee that you're not ready to go to work on film and TV I'm like I'm appalled so even though I was on a van of Chubbock the first two or three weeks I was doing good scenes like my first scene was a scene from

Carlito's way when the attorney goes to see the mobster when Sean Penn goes to see the mobster how to play the mobster and they don't want you to say it they want you to say it verbatim, but they want you

to be your own character. And I remember when I got off that fucking stage dog, those people in there were shaking my hand like I was fucking Hemingway, like I was some fucking tremendous actor. I was just a dirty comic. I didn't know nothing about fucking acting. And right there, I'm like, wait a second.

And that's what I heard they're shooting an analyze too. I'd gone for an audition for some fucking movie. And this is how it started. I went for an audition for some fucking movie that I was not right for. As I was reading the line, I kept thinking about that dude,

the Mexican dude that started in Narcos, the first season. He had the chubby dude with the hat. Lewis. Oh, Louis Gomez? Louis. No, no, no. Yeah, no, right? No, no.

Whatever is fuck. I was on his pilot. I shot his pilot. Yeah. Guzma. Lewis Guzman. I shot his pilot for Fox. But as I was reading for this movie,

I could read Lewis Guzman. I'm like, this is Louis Guzman's role. Why am I wasting my time? And at the end of the read, the lady said, that was a good read, but you're not right for this role. I go, thank God you thought the same way. This is for a Mexican person. And she goes, yeah, she goes,

but you're going to be right for my next movie. And I go, what's your next movie? She's an analyze that part too. That was it, dog. I go, so what do I need to be in there? And she goes, stay in touch with me. Send me anything you work on. Anything you book?

Send me a copy of the tape. I was like, you got it. And I went to work, Jack, and I booked a mafia thing. A gay mafia thing. And I booked that. And I took the clip from that immediately and sent that overturn. Then I booked something else.

Is that when you play the gay guy? Yeah. You guys are burying the body in the cemetery? That's fucking funny. I booked something else that was mafia themed. And I got a copy of the senator immediately. And then I got the call one day. Bam.

Your auditioning fanalized that butt in New York. Doug, I couldn't get the fucking San Jose. I didn't have a dime to get the fucking New York. Do you go to New York to audition? Yep. And there's no flight. I could put a gig together when I was there to make $100 bucks of rascals. not enough to cover my fucking airfare

or make me a millionaire or nothing like that. And I had to sleep on somebody's floor. You know? So a friend of mine from the old days reached out and he goes, I got a plane ticket for you on fucking frontier airlines

or one of those fucking hell airlines. You got to stop in Denver and they chase your luggage over. By the time I got to New York, they lost my luggage. I had to go buy a warm-up suit and sneakers. They didn't do like audition tapes back then? No, you ought to show up to book these movies. And then they wanted you to stay to talk to the director

because you're not getting fucking booked in this movie until you talk to the director. So you were like high, you were like at least being considered then at this level, right? They're not going to fly. I'm not going to tell 30 people to fly in New York. No. There was no, I wouldn't tape it. An opportunity like that, I wouldn't tape it. I want to be in the fucking room.

I don't think a lot of people were flying to New York. I want to know. I want to make sure that if I don't get this, I didn't get this, it was me. I don't want to get this because I sent the tape. I want them to meet me. I want them to see me

walk into the room. I want them to see my patois, my genetat, you know what I'm saying? As they say in fucking friends. So that was my big thing. Where did you learn that? Things like I want them to see me

walk in. Like where did you? Just think about that. Just think about that. Think about that. Think about that. What do I get? What essence do I get from watching

you on tape? No. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. It's probably cut down by at least half, if not more. But little things like, I want them to get my presence. How can I, even though you make a fantastic fucking stand-up HBO, I was special, how can I really book you for a $30 million fee, no, $85 million feature next to Will Smith without making you come in?

You're going to send me a tape to encourage me to make you come in. that's the tape you sent to me for me to go okay make them coming and read but most people that reside in new york were going for that audition right right you just went because she liked you for that yeah yeah it's important to stay in touch like do you think a lot of actors have been in that situation and then just didn't send her or anything that the if you go to my email old the last two pages is all cast and directors i've kept in touch with over the years like that they all got a Merry Christmas and shipped for me this like, even though I haven't seen them.

Over the years, you develop relationship to these casting people, but back to the Agostino situation. So that's, once I went to acting class, the Agostino, yeah, I learned a little bit how to act, but I didn't go into to learn how to act. I learned how to get work as an actor.

Again, I wanted to see what they were doing. You know, you go behind the comedy store or any comedy club in any country. There's a circle of kids, comics. and they talk about what they're going to do and how they're going to do it and you go back there 10 years later and they're still there.

Talking about it. Yeah, I just audition for asking you. You know, like, that's great. You know, keep sending tapes and shit because you did it. You didn't sit there and talk about it. And when you go to acting classes in Hollywood,

like at this point I had been to maybe two acting classes, Ivana Chubbock is considered high level. There's her and Leslie Kahn that consider high level. There's a few other. Others that have popped up over the years. In fact, somebody sent you a link to one lady the other day.

And it was intensive of acting or whatever. But I went to a van der Chubber to begin a class. That's what I went to do. I didn't go to learn how to act. I went to talk to these other fucking kids to see what they were working. And guess what? None of them were working.

We were all petrified of stepping out of that fucking comfort zone of that acting class. And I'll never forget being at a party one night and sitting at a bar, I coaked up. And there was a guy and another guy that chick talking. And the guy goes, so what's going on with you? And he goes, well, tomorrow we're doing the scene from Rain Man in acting class. And they were so excited. Like, really?

In acting class? Oh, my God, that's so thrilling. I hope the teacher. I hope she really sees you for what you are. I'm sitting. I'm going, oh my God. So they become career acting class, people. Just pay the $275 a month.

They go down there. They do the acting classes, and they buy into it that they're learning the meth in the whole thing. Meanwhile, I'm seeing this, and I find out about the breakdowns. I find out about the breakdowns. And I go, okay, so you look at the breakdowns, it's the same thing as anything else.

You see your job you think you're perfect for? Get the address, get that fucking phone number. go down there drop the fucking package off and call them an hour later and ask them if they want to see you or if they liked what you drop off or if they want to see tape i always created the opportunity to go back there you forgot something don't give them everything give them one piece at a time if you bring the tape in your resume that's it they don't need to see you again but if you bring your resume he'll look at you and go what happened to your tape I didn't know you wanted one. Well, come back with a tape. Boom. Even though he's mad at you, you're going to come back and guess what's going to happen?

You're going to come back. He's not going to be there, but his sister's going to be there. And she knows you from the barbecue joint when you do comedy dance. She always thinks you're cute and shit. So guess what? You just got an audition because you forced yourself to go back there a second time. It's all numbers. When it comes to acting, it's a complete different animal.

It's how many times they see you before that audition. But guess what? If you see something or you hear of something that you're right for, you really got to raise your hand and attack it in the acting world because they're not going to find you. They're not going to find you. Your manager and your agent are going to get you in for so much. I know for a fact for me, when it came to acting,

I hustled 60% of those jobs. I still remember booking cold case out of the computer. Coat case, I booked from the fucking computer. at that time it was on show fax whatever that is it's a thing for actors I'm still on there now I haven't paid noir

but I'm still on there like those casting websites that said yeah you might be right for this stuff if you pay $69 a month $69 a year in those days I got it for the whole year and you'd fucking submit from there

and let me tell you something there was a movie I booked from there but I got fired from but I got the money anyway And there was that for sure that I remember And there was cold case on CBS The episode of Disco Inferno I booked that from the computer

How many work do you think actually gets Generated from sites like that Do you think people actually get work like that Or you just got lucky a couple times Do you think that's kind of just like bullshit And people don't really get stuff out of that? No, I think that casting assistants Look into that

They don't really look at it Like very thoroughly They skim through it and they'll go look at your resume and shit like that really fast. By that point, I was getting jobs already. You know what I'm saying? So, but no, you always have to, you always have to, but acting, it's scamming.

It's always going back. Oh, you didn't want me to bring your tape. You ever go to the comedy club? Yeah, I'll swing by and drop off four tickets to the comedy store. Vinnie Curdo, who I speak about on the podcast, who I had on the church, When I first moved here, I bumped into him at the comedy store, and he said he had a role for me in one of his movies.

I just met the guy. I had seen him on Miami Vice. I saw him in a movie note named 29th Street, and he impressed me, and he was very nice to me, and he was half Cuban, which was very sweet. And I bumped into another time, and he gave me the address of who to send a package to her for acting. And I put together a package what I had in that day.

I had been on a CBS pilot and that was it And I had done like everything else in that resume was bullshit Except for the comedy work Everything else was fucking minor league shit I dropped off the package No real headshot Resume buyer And I dropped it off

Two, three weeks I didn't hear nothing So at this time I had gotten into a system To send shit out and drop stuff off Monday and Tuesday were my heavy days So that meant Sunday night After I emceited at the store Until about 1 or 12 Even while I was snort and blow

I would still go home Snort blow Drink alcohol And lick envelopes And get them ready for the next couple days There were some envelopes she could send out And there was some envelope She had to deliver by mono to mono

To really get the most of your quality Because you want the casting assistant to see See, these casting assistants are young And guess what they do at night They go to comedy clubs They can't come up to you and say hello Because who wants to talk to a casting assistant Who the fuck are you

You'll talk to them once or twice But guess what? They'll recognize you And they'll go, oh my God, I just saw you last week At the pink pussy cat And you're like, you go to the pink pussy cat Yeah They don't want to go to the comedy store The Improv

They want to be a little different so they go to the alternative places and next thing you know you have an audition, bro. You know, the weirdest thing ever was when I had, I went in for the what is that? The machinist? What was the show I did?

The CD's show? The mentalist. Yes. Well, I did the mentalist. I went to the audition the first day and there was fucking 80 people in the room. I'm like, I'm not going to get this, but I took a picture with Stephen Baugh

when he retweeted it. And that night I had a message When the fucking author of the book What role do you want? I said this one The next day they called me and offered me the roll. That's interesting. It's real, bro, you never know how you're going to pop a roll.

Everything works that way. But if you're not involved, like I shouldn't, like There would have been a time when I would have gone to that audition, looked in that room, and cracked and left. And then under dry, I would have realized what a big fucking mistake I meant,

because I have nothing else to do and I was gonna get a chance to talk to people and find out about different shit because that's what audition is. You know how people always go to you well? You have to go to bars. The fucking number one place to find out about jobs is that auditions.

When you see other working actors, they're not there because they're fucking taking acting classes buying into a fucking Scientology. No, no, no. they're there because they told those people to fuck go fuck themselves they're working and these people banging out

that commercial life is fucking rough you know you're right but I don't know how busy it is Diagostina I really don't try I'm not going to take to quit your job at one point if it's that busy you'll just go I'm quitting because I can live off this it's a weird thing it's just a very fucking weird occupation I was just watching some football on Sunday,

and I saw this open micer that it kind of came up with on a fucking Home Depot commercial. It's insane. I'm like, I just see you in a Home Depot commercial? He's like, yeah. He just started it. He just started going out for it and just got it. That's how it is, because they like new faces.

They like new blood. Everybody they see, they know. They see these people once a week. But they got to see you and they trust you and they don't know what the producer wants. Listen, unless you go, commercial auditions, people get mad at them. And I got to tell you something, now in hindsight, I miss not going for them.

Because me, at this age, I probably go for four a year. But I'd be so fucking excited when I'm driving to Ocean Drive, because I know exactly what I go eat. I know exactly where the park. You know, I've been doing it for years. You're not a newbie when you go. So you do like four a year, you think you'd book one a year? Yeah.

If I go to four commercial auditions, yeah. Because they're going to be for the usual suspects, A pizza guy, a mafia dude, a fucking something, you know. And I spoke to Lawrence a few weeks ago. We're trying to work on something. But yeah, I'm thinking of going back out for commercial auditions. Because it's fundamentals. You learn how to go back to fucking, it's a different type of acting.

Your mind works differently. Like I always tell people, when I go for mobster roles, for movies and TV, I wear a black or dark shirt. For commercials, I wear a white shirt. What's the point of that? Commercials, your commercial has to run in Iowa the same way as it has to run in New York City. A lot of times you have to paint the picture for the director.

I don't want you to go, for commercials especially, I don't want you to go in there dress like the guy to the tee. I want you to wear something that camouflages what you're really wearing. Like you see that shirt right there you have on? Okay. The most distinguishing thing about that show of the strings. when I went in for basketball I wore a shirt with strings

because it signifies a whistle around your neck that's what it looks like sometimes appearances just make it seem like what they are you go for a maintenance man I don't want you to dress like a maintenance man but wear a gray shirt

don't wear your name just let them know how you look at a shirt that's tailored as opposed to you going in for basketball with an actual whistle around your neck that just there you go there you go Yeah.

There you go. Those motherfuckers never get dick. You see those guys in there. I always see them guys. You go for commercial auditions that dressed like a baked thing. They got the chef hat. Yeah. Don't do that.

Don't do that. Don't do that. I don't give a fuck what the fucking agent tells you. Like the agent will call you, oh, by the way, they want you to wear a chef at. Right. I ain't wear no fucking chef at. I wear a baseball hat. That's white.

What if they say they want you to wear a white shirt today? Will you go and wearing it not a white shirt just to stand out or no, whatever? Just fucking wear a white shirt. shirt. I'll see what the role is, who the people are, and what the situation is. There's always, I got this audition when I was out, I would have had to go all the way up to the valley. I would have never made it back. Okay, no worries. You understand me? So if the auditions in Santa Monica, you had to go all the way back up to Woodland Hills to get a white shirt, unless you want me to go buy a white shirt, then you always do have a white shirt in the car. Yeah. Sometimes you want

to mess with their head, too. In a different way. So you wear white in commercials, and then why do you wear black in for movies? Because movies are more realistic. That was my strategy always. Commercials are fucking more for the national people. This is, you know, I can't scare people in Iowa with these fucking commercials. These commercials, I'm trying to make you like me and the product. So I would always go, always go in a white shirt, and I would always book those.

Everybody who went in there with a black shirt wouldn't book it. Those are little things I look because after you go to acting class, it's going to take you to six months to 18 months to learn the ropes of auditioning, to put all the pieces together, all the components that you have to reach for. You have to use a little bit of your stand-up shit at night, but I can't tell you what it is. This is what acting coaches don't tell you. Especially when you're a stand-up comic.

What I want you to do is separate yourself from the comedian DiAgostino, but I still want you to be there. So separate yourself from the comedian And you're still there in that room It's still the same stuff as stand-up You ever see the movie What's the movie with De Niro? With Pacino

And the black kid that he plays football I think it's an given Sunday What is it? I don't know I'm gonna look up You guys are terrible in movies It's about football Yeah, Lenny's the other

Lawrence Taylor I was right Any given Sunday Any given Sunday There's a thing I'm going to be giving Sunday That always is stuck with me And I figured that out

With acting Especially the stand-up comic There's a scene where you go Listen, forget about what's going on Clear your mind I want you to think about Being a kid Being in front of your mom this house

It's five to five Your mom yells out Honey come on in We're eating dinner you got one more play you huddle up before you do the play and it's the same thing as usual run to the Cadillac

and cut left and you score this is the same thing when you're playing pro football just in a small level so with stand-up stand-up is in acting are very close you're not going to go in there and do your own material you're going to stick to the script

but what you're going to borrow from stand-up is the bravado the fucking, you know, you're a stand-up. So psychologically, I could do this with my eyes closed. So you have to bring that type of, if they see a casting agent is just like anything else. If they see blood, they're going to know you're weak. So you've got to walk in there with the stand-up type of vivado that everybody knows when you walk in, they know you're a fucking real stand-up comic.

Your timing is on, and you go in there, you're going to be. You listen to the director. Every director is going to make you do something different. Even if you're doing it right, you know what? He wants to make sure that you listen. He wants to make sure you can be directed. So when you go in those rooms and you do it right, and the director goes, do me a favor, do it again.

But at the end, jump up and down. And then you jump up and down on the way home. You go, why do you make me jump up and down? He wanted to see if you can follow direction. They actually will do stuff like that? Yeah, they have to see if you're going to be. easy to work with. They have their tricks and you have to

have yours. It's very interesting what I learned those years. It made me a fucking animal. It made me an animal. I've always felt that a stand-up comic can get into acting easier than anyone. Look at them. Look at them. Rappers get in it, stand-up comics, getting it. But I don't think actors can get into stand-up comedy

as easy. No, no, they try. This is a process, brother. I want people at home to understand this always. this is a fucking process Lee brought up a great point in the beginning of the podcast that you know I've seen people headlined in 18 months

and brag about it and I'm happy for them but I know that any night they're about to get fucking doomed and it's such a beating that you get Lee that some of those headliner are a headliner

beatings are tough to recover from at this point as a headliner as terrible as this might sound do you look forward to those people getting those beating Yes Yes, I cheer For them to get beatings because

This is what's going to snap them out of it This is what either makes them quit Or make you a stand-up comic I still remember Covering for Jimmy Schubert In Jacksonville At that hotel down there for five nights And I ate dick

Every fucking show is that headline I had no idea what I was doing. I still have nightmares of that audience just staring at me. Just waking up in the middle of night to a bunch of fucking white people. Do you remember specific faces? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I still remember that night. I remember my bad bombs. They stick with you. Like. Favily. It's psychological. Like a fucking painting of your head.

It was a way. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Friday was great because it was all you could eat seafood night. So you did your set real quick before you started shit and blood on stage. Before you had brown leakage on your pants, right on stage. They gave you those crabs from Neptune, New Jersey. That had, like, barge oil on them in the fucking 60s. I haven't heard of Neptune.

Neptune, New Jersey. The whole of fucking Jack Nicholson, anyway. Why are you taking me on Jack Nicholson? Is it really? I think so. Who the fuck knows? I'm as high as Fuck, I don't know nothing

Really? Yeah, these stars These fucking things put you in limbo And then you mix them with stars And this fucking reef of this You want a cookie? Not right now I don't be cookies on camera

You know what I'm saying? He knows how many points those are He's like, oh my God There's six points Put together Sorry, she cooks healthy Er Yeah, yeah

She'll put like Half the powder Half the sugar Half to butter whatever they fucking put in those things. So the first thing on your plan is you're still going to do four spots a week. Yeah. So that's 16 spots a month.

So that's fucking 10 spots is 160. And then you got, so you end the month out, you end the year out with 192, which isn't bad. And you're a writer, so you'll try to do shit in between. You're also going to try to book two commercials and try to get a commercial agent, which is going to be a three-month task or it can be a two-day task. It's up to you. You got to go down on Samuel French and get the commercial.

I know a couple of agents that'll sign you, and they'll get you out. They'll get you the fuck out. And that's what you want. You want to go out until you get comfortable. The more you go out, the better you get. Just like being on stage. Yeah, it's just like being on stage.

And that's the back door that I took. I was still at the store reading night, banging out with those guerrillas. But at the daytime, I was auditioning for anything and everything. anything and everything. And then, you know, they would raise the stakes

from time to time and I would go all the way to the end and I'd get it, but, hey, at least I was in the mix. I was in the mix for a ton of shit. A ton of shit that I could have gone home and cried and taken my ball home

and said, fuck those motherfuckers. You're going to be a Scientologist to work. But I knew that the more nose I got, I was getting closer. I knew there was a lot of shit and after the Sopranos, they were making a lot of shit and they were looking for guys like me. So I knew I was going to get through.

I went out every couple days. I went out for something. They were throwing shit at me all the time and there was a lot of stuff I turned down. I just went in for the audition for practice. I bought a book called Audition. I think, yeah, that's the first thing I read when I moved here. You buy that Samuel French.

It helped me to a degree. but the thing that pushed me over the top was doing storytelling on stage from going to a desperate stand-up comedian because you're desperate for laughs as a stand-up but the biggest bridge to cross is when you tame the audience and tell a story

it's a different type of patience and a lot of comics can't take it that's a lot of silence for a punchline That's a lot of silence for a lung for a payout. So a lot of people fall in the cracker. They spin right out into a joke and now they destroyed the whole thing. Because people smelled their fear. So that's what really taught me how to audition.

While I was up there telling the story, I said, oh shit. Look what I'm doing. I'm auditioning. It's the same fucking thing. It's three minutes. When I go on those rooms, I'm doing a fucking three-minute bit. for these people. And I remember going in for a thousand things

that were one line. And I would get so pissed, the Agostina. Hold the elevator. Excuse me, is this Broadway? That type of shit. And I would leave there frustrated. I went in for 20 of those motherfuckers

that would walk out of there and just throw the audition in the garbage as I was walking out because I knew I was never going to see these people. Is the audition like 10 seconds? 10 seconds. Hi, Lee. Thank you for coming down. Okay. Do you know the line? Yes, I do. Slate for the camera, please. How tall are you? How much do you weigh? Are you a vegan? Okay, thank you. Let's do this. Stand right there, Lee. Are you ready? Hi, is this the elevator? That was tremendous. Thank you for coming down.

You just drove an hour. It's not taking two hours to drive back. But those two hours is where you sit in there and learn how to put that audition together next time. So it took me like a year of those to get so fucking frustrated. And one night I was high on Coke, and I went in my fold and I took out one of those one-line auditions. And I go, what can I do this to make it? Because at this, I want time.

My objective is time in that room. When you go to those auditions and you sit outside the audition and you see people walk in and walk out and they're in there, you go, hmm, my objective is not to book this. My objective is to sit there longer than these fools. What do I have to do, even if I make a mistake going in there and I adjust to play with her head, so she calls me how to direct it, I'm still longer in there than these fools. So I would take a line and cut it in half And turn it into two lines And that's when I started booking Because it would make me hold me in there longer

And game of numbers I would do what nobody else was doing With that line And my goal was to sit in there as long as possible To hold the scene as long as possible So instead of you running and be going hey stop don't shoot

or whatever the fuck I'll shoot I would see you running and I go hey come back stop I'll shoot I would break it into four breaths even if she didn't fucking like it

I didn't give a fuck it kept me in there and I was different than saying that same fucking line and that's when I started booking shit then I conquered the one line auditions, okay, that's

co-star. But then you had the auditions that were co-stars that were two or three lines. That was my next move to get up to that. Co-star, boom. And then the next thing is guest star. Then you've got to get one of those. You've got to write it out. I want to be one guest star episode.

And you go in for 30 guest stars before you book one. They're the hardest ones because they're the ones they're the movie stars. But then one day, bro, you book a guest star and you're like, oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Remember the Spider-Man, I had one line, dog. I had one line in Spider-Man. Yeah. But I flew off the fucking floor. I landed on the couch. My hat flew off. You know, I gave them nothing but hard in that audition. I didn't just go, don't move me, whatever the fuck the line was.

Yeah. I said something and then paused and said it again. And then flew fucking backwards. You want to get to him? You got to go through me. I think it was, right? Yeah. So even for that, I got that shit.

And then I have vowed. I got a taxi. And I got a monologue. And I got to analyze this. And I got a little monologue in the beginning. And then bam. I got the longest yard now. Like I got all these movies that opened up on me with credits going through me and shit.

Fuck that. I got to get out of that thing. Did you notice that helped you and stand up at all? What's that? Get booked more? Because you're all of a sudden you're making appearances in these movies. Well, I'll tell you what happens. and I tell people this

that's very important and a lot of comics look at me like I'm fucking crazy the most important thing is to let people know to send a message is when they see you on TV that's the bottom line

that means duckets so that club owner that didn't like you before now doesn't want to be on the bad side of you in case you do blow up so now you will get MC spots in there and guess what

if you're nice and you do a good job and I recommend you you'll start fucking featuring. How important is it do you think to have a manager or an agent for stand-up? Okay. At my point

I'm like nine years in now. You have to look at what you're making and you have to be realistic with yourself. What is he going to make from my comedy salary? How is he going to make a living off me? If I gave somebody

10% of my comedy salary, would I if Joey Diaz gave me 10% of his comedy salary would I fucking would you even take the time to call me back you make a 500 at a club maybe he gets 50 fucking dollars what's 50 dollars gonna do for him then why do it so but isn't the idea that he's going to get you more work well if the here's the here's the thing and I just saw it happen with two two friends of mine they went with comics that had comics that were huge. And you're sitting there waiting for something to fall off the big tree and nothing falls off the big tree. And I'll tell you why. Because Lee is my number three client. I book Lee on the road for the weekends for 30 G's a weekend.

So, Diagestino, what you want me to do is hang up with one of these clubs and call a club that you're going to feature at for 500. fucking dollars so you get $50 commission that's what you're telling me I just closed the deal for fucking Lee for 24 grand and it's a 5 grand bonus if he sells out

and you want me to call fucking Cottondale Comedy Club and fucking Cottondale New Jersey and book you for a feature act for Louis the one-eyed frog it's a tough mentality for a comic to even think yeah he's going to help me out

they don't make a few calls for you and then call you one dingo, bro. I'm too busy with Lee. So you have to see where you're at. Because at the end of the day, it's, again, the envelope. Yep. How much you're going to bring to the fucking table?

So for stand-up, are you seen there's not really a point to have a manager or an agent and tell you're someone to sell? Absolutely. And you get work on your own, so you always know how to get work on your own. That's the most important thing.

that if the alliance i see a ton of people that'll go bro how come you go out so much i got an agent i don't go out i got an agent and the manager well this is the problem that you sit at home and wait for the phone right even though you have a manager and agent you still have to create your own shit so they can make the call for you you have to give them a reason you have to create a hailstorm so you got to be doing something at all times a short film even if it's for free you're always doing something, a podcast,

a short film, you're fucking helping your friends write a fucking one-man show and you're going to co-direct it. You look at me like, Joey, what the fuck does that do? And don't do dick, but it lets people know

that you're working. It might take, somebody who doesn't give you work today doesn't mean dick. That person's going to give you work in five years. Even though now you've called them 10 times and he won't return your calls. It's fucking crazy.

But at the end of the week, it's about money. That's the bottom line. Everybody wants to say they have managers and agents. Yeah, you have some agents that put you on this and put you on that. But it all depends on your heat. I've seen a lot of comics in this town that are signed with managers that are too big for them. And they get frustrated. The guy hasn't called me back.

sure he's fucking Andrew Diceclay's managing Edison's manager he's gonna call you back to get you a weekend of the Boise Idol funny bone I'm happy that you're still doing it I'm happy that you're still part of the little writing team and if I have dates this year that I can take you on I always take you on you're a real up-and-comal like I said me and my little younger agent were speaking about you and I've always respected your writing so let me know what you want this year You want to book a commercial? Yeah, I want to start breaking into the acting a little bit.

You want to write material? I want to write material. I want to keep at least four spots a week. I want my podcast to be doing a lot better. Where are you going on Tuesday nights? Tuesday. Not really anywhere to go on Tuesday. I mean, I'll usually go to the main clubs

and just show my face in there. Maybe tomorrow night we'll go to the fourth wall. It should be open by the other night. I'm done for that. It's open. It's open. They started up again on the 29th. Did they?

Okay. Maybe we'll go over there tonight. And tell him, who are you running with? Lee, say, at. You still go there, Lee? I haven't. They were closed. They were closed for...

For the holiday? Yeah. When I was here, yeah. Do you go up when you go there? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. You like it?

Yeah. I mean, I think I've gone out there like four, three or four times, maybe five times. I've been up there or four. I've been on there tomorrow then, maybe. Yeah, let's go. She was crack. I like him. But no, I'm happy you had time to come on the show. Thank you for having me.

Goals are important in comedy. And a lot of people don't realize you have to know what you're going for. If not, you're spinning your fucking wheels every year, and you're in the same place you were a year ago. You have to look at the year later and go, okay, what were my goals this year? And look at them and go, oh, look at this. I went for three fucking guest stars, but I got two of them. I went for three commercials, but I got two of them.

Why did I do it? I went to acting class, went night away. And like I said Listen bro Everybody wants to go Listen this guy was Buffy the Vampire Slars Acting coach

Who gives a fuck Give me a guy that knows How to break down an acting scene For $90 a month Tuesday nights From 7 to 10 I can care less All you're looking for

It's two or three months Acting class Just to realize What these guys aren't doing So now you do that. So now you're always busy as a comic. You're working that night, you're dropping off envelopes in the

daytime. And what you're doing is it's like a positive energy fucking magnet. You're creating your own thing because you're going to places and dropping off these envelopes. Something has to happen. Something has to happen. And you'll go drop an envelope

off, hoping for this role in this call. But you dropped that envelope off two weeks ago that now they're casting that you forgot about. and now they caught you go Jesus Christ If I would have sat at home I would have never got the condition

It's a hustle And now you're covering two bases You're covering the back door And you're still working on the front door Thank you for coming on tonight Thank you for having How you doing there? Morty Morty

I'm mourning it up I'm doing good buddy Look at the shape of your eyeballs Are as red as your shirt Oh yeah I love it A fucking coat shirt Red and shit

Is empty? No, that's still good. This shit. Leave those days. Don't even touch them. Don't even touch them. No, fuck your fingernails up. Speaking of fingernails,

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slash church. The smart way to find someone to hire. Number two, listen, don't embarrass me. But don't make me not say it. It's a new year.

You want to date? You want to go on mats.com and Christian Ringle. That's all nice. You got a nice car. But you know what? When you take your pants off for them to suck your dick, they can smell their asshole. By the time you don't buckle your pants,

they can smell that rot developing in your asshole. Because you didn't stop home and take a shower and wash that muffler. You think it's cute to fucking leave the house at 7. Take two shits at work. And then walk around with that death. debt all day. Why? Why do you do this to yourself?

Uncle Joey's here to help you out. You know why? I'm bringing you a portable bidet. You're like Uncle Joey, what's that? A bidet? It's portable. You attach it right to your toilet. And every time you take a fucking shit, you press a button. Hot water hits your ass. And you don't have to touch you.

You have to waste toilet paper. Fucking disgusting. They kill 20 trees for you to wipe one fucking time. Those days are done. back, baby. Go to hellotushy.com right now and press in church. Get 10% off. Let me tell you some. They got fucking bidetes of every color. They'll match your bathroom decor in one way or another. You understand me? Speaking about decor, you have decor and you'll be walking around with a clean fucking asshole to start the new year off. Nope, listen, that's the number one thing.

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I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday night. Tip-top, Magoo, ready to rock and roll. I want to wish a lot of luck to Diagostina. I'll help them any way I can. Thank you. And my main man, the fucking Christ-killer, for getting the night off correctly. We ate some fucking tremendous edibles and went deep for your people tonight on a full moon here in California.

Yeah, it is. Stay black. We'll see you Wednesday. I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget. Sorry about the ice house. It's sold out Saturday night. But we'll see you January 18th, Austin, Texas, bitches.

What? Cap City Comedy Club. Get your tickets now before they fucking go quick. I'm not going out that much this year. So I don't think that I love fucking Austin. You know me, I make my fucking bi-yearly appearance, whatever fuck it is, every other year. And I'm coming down heavy. That's all you need to know. January 18, ready to fucking rock and eat gumbo with fucking Katrina fingernails in.

I'll see you motherfuckers then. Have a great fucking two days, and we'll talk to you Thursday morning. Stay black. Kick that fucking mulee.