The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #547 - Nick Turturro

Episode Date: January 4, 2018

Nick Turturro, an actor seen in films and TV shows such as "Blue Bloods" and "Do The Right Thing," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get $30 off of your first meal and free shipping!   FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 01/03/2018.

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at blue apron.com slash Joey. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Number two, on it. You know I'm down. I'm all in. What's the name of the stuff I take to remember shit? Alpha brain.

Alpha brain. never fucking fails me. You understand me. I'm a fucking savage. Money back guarantee if you don't like it and you don't even want the fucking product back.

This is what I'm talking about. People who stand behind that product. That's why I deal with it. Number two, if you're a fat fuck or a little on the big side and you're thinking about joining jujitsu and you want a nice ghee, listen, Fuji's been there for me.

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bitch. Fujisports.com slash church. Kick that fucking Mulele. Oh shit. It's the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. The second church episode of the year. We ain't fucking around here.

Kick that Mulee. I want this motherfucker on loud. Go ahead. Lee. Here we go. You bad motherfuckers. Here's what it's all about. Here we go. It's David Lee, motherfuckers.

Oh, shit. Here we go. Everybody wants some. Even Harvey. Everybody wants some. You filthy cock suckers. Even Stephen Colbert and shit. Oh, shit.

The church of what's happened now, you bad motherfuckers. Everybody wants. some. How are you guys doing? Uncle Joey here. My favorite uncle, Nick Taturo, and my favorite fucking Jew killer, the one and only Lee Syed. You got three more days left Lee that you could drop the guilt after the seventh year off the hook. That's when the fucking three fucking people show up from Poland. Didn't that the three priests show up, whatever the fuck they were? From Poland? The three wise men. Whatever. They came from Russia with a Korean. Listen, bro, number one, I want to apologize to you.

Nick the tour, I got this big fucking, you want to give me some volume over there? I got this big fucking problem, Nick Taturo. And I hope you don't get disrespected by this. I don't give a fuck what a person does with their kids. If you want to come over to my house when I'm smoking pot with your kid, you better know, number one, I'm not stopping the pot because your kid's there. You brought them into my home fucking turf. You should have known better.

Number two, I don't care if you show up here. your kid, it's other kids that make me nervous because they don't know me. They get a little high. They think I'm going to get high with them. Next thing, you know, they fucking fall down. They tell the mother they were Uncle Joey, and I got handcuffs on on KTLA

for child molestation or for giving some fucking kid ref. Forgive me. One kid wanted to fucking challenge you. He's a fucking... Yeah, that's what I fucking need. I know. I'm anti, all that shit. Can I tell you, the guy's a stoner? If the fucking kid's parents... He thinks he could hang with you. Well, if the kid's father calls me

next time and says, my son's going down and I hang out with you. If he dies, it's on his own. I know. Then we could bong him. I know these kids, but they're good kids. I understand, but Nick, you know the way it is now. These kids aren't us. They're sensitive. Listen, I know adults that have gotten up and ran out of here. You understand? I know adults that have gotten up.

The problem is, you know, I hang out with a lot of these kids. I forget. Because I'm one of the adults that fucking hangs with all these kids. You know what the problem is? No, no. That's what keeps me young. Nick, number one. You're a nice person. I'm a criminal.

You don't want these kids around now. I can be doing 20-11. No, you're right. You're right. One of these kids, each one of these, takes one of these stars when I'm in the bathroom. He goes home. He sees the devil. Listen.

Lee, how many people have sat in this chair eating a star and we've seen him? Lay on the couch, leave. Three or four, at least. One guy walked around the block. I'm wrong. You're wrong. No, you're not wrong. No, I was going to call you.

I should have called you. My deepest apologies. Don't worry. You give your kid permission to come into the voodoo lounge and I shoot heroin. He's got to watch it. Some chick comes in here blows my pipe. He's got to watch it. He's in.

When I was a fucking kid, my godfather would pick me up every Sunday. Even though I beat him later on for drugs and he wanted to shoot me and shit. My godfather, he introduced me to it. Like when I was really young, five, four that I really needed a man in my life, he would take me on Saturdays to 42nd Street would eat something somewhere like a burger

you know I was a little fucking punk I always wanted a hamburger or a hot dog because I was trying to be an American he would say let's go to Victor's Cafe this was Victor's in the late 60s Victor's Victors was Victus you wanted to Victors

you bumped into Kennedy your shit with some Cuban chick you know but fucking no I wanted a hamburger and he would get kind of pissed off and while we were while I was eating a burger

He'd be sitting there in 1965, 68 already, rolling a joint at the table. And while we would walk, he'd smoke the joint. He'd tell me this is marijuana. Don't smoke when you get older and don't tell nobody that you saw me smoke it. Yeah. And I would see what it'd do to him. And then afterward, he would take me by one of his girlfriend's house. Like, I knew his wife and shit.

I knew his kids. I knew everybody. He didn't give a fuck. He'd take me to one of his bitch's house. And he'd make her come on. cheat he'd tell like show him his tits. Yeah. I was like five. I'd be like fucking petrified.

He was my godfather. He's the one that put the water on my fucking head with my father. He grew up with my real fucking father. This is your godfather? This was my godfather and he loved me and I loved them. He looked like Dick Van Dyke. He had the same hairdo. Oh shit. And he would take me to his girlfriend's

house and he would always roll joints on bamboo and lick the fucking joint and he'd get high and he'd giggle, Nick. The way we'd giggle like he would be giggle and I'd go someday I'm going to get old enough and smoke and giggle like him because he would just have a good time no alcohol no nothing then he took me to see like every saturday we went to see our majesty secret service that was the only james bond without a james bond i'll never forget that i got skis after that he took

me to get skis and i would set up skis in my bedroom and my my mom came in one day's what are you doing i'm scared i would set the blankets up and shit but then dirty harry came out he took me to the valachi paper oh wow when i was a kid that was when going to the movie yeah going to every Saturday at 1 o'clock. We were at a matinee on 42nd Street. Okay? No, and I didn't know the language, Nick. Every fucking Saturday, like clockwork,

he would knock on my door at 9. Take it to the movies. Dress me up, you know, get me ready, brush my teeth, comb my hair, talk to my mom for a little while, and he fucking boogie, and he wouldn't have to have me back to 8 o'clock at night.

How old were you? Five, six. Wow. This had to be before my mom met my stepfather. So that was when I was six. I never forget, he took me to see Dirty Harry, dog. In the theater? In the theater.

And when we left there, we're eating, and he goes, put your hand out. And I go, what are you talking about? He goes, Saga la Mano. Ponawa'u'll have a messa. Saga la Man and put him to a while I go. I thought he's going to give me cash. He put a gun in my hand. And I looked at it, and it was the same gun dirty Harry had.

A magdam? The whole fucking gun. I'm fucking five. In the movie theater? And I'm in a fucking restaurant in New York with him holding on to a gun. Like, I think he's the greatest man in the world. It was loaded, right? Whatever.

Yeah, it could have been loaded. I don't know. I was that dumb. I wasn't going to touch it. I just, he put it on my hand like this. I just looked at it and went, wow. And then he started telling me that's the most powerful weapon in the world, the blow man's head off.

That's the same gun in the movie and shit. We tell you the same lines. And I gave him the gun back, and it was true. Like, that type of shit. But he was my godfather. It was his fault. decision do you know I'm saying yeah I would never he would never say to me bring your buddies because he knew what type of trouble I was gonna get it right

that's a different world the thing is I got teenage people kids you know and I've had parties and parties and all these kids call me big neck I know I'm a little nick no they all they all hang with me it's funny I almost got like an idea for a show like a guy that hangs out with all these kind of kids so it's kind of like endearing so you know I forget I forget if I you know you know you know I I love, no disrespect alone. No, don't worry. Well, then, I apologize to them.

They'll get over. When they get over. Their dad's call me, then they have it. They cut. If you, listen, if you're a young kid, you want to come over here, show up with a slip with your dad's signature and his phone number, and we'll call him while you're standing.

Next time, we'll do the paperwork. And I want his number to come up on the fucking caller ID. Oh, this ain't happening. I'm one of those fucking dudes. I'm just lucky nothing's happened. You know, I've had a lot of parties. Kids do what they do. I take the kids.

Oh, Joe. You're going to party. I know. I mean, you know, I try to be careful. Thank God, knock on wood, nothing to happen. Because these kids, then I'm responsible, you know? So I'm not trying to be negligent. I got dreams.

I got dreams. And it'll include comedy and then I'll include fucking films. I envy your life because I would love to have a clean police record so I could coach a girls basketball team from six to eight. That's where I would take a girl. And that's when they're fucked up a little bit. Their dads ain't around. You coach a girl.

treat them the right way, they're set for fucking life. You're their coach for life. They'll come back and see you every fucking year. Or the other dream I have is to start a program for kids where every day a different parent has to come out of the house and they close off the street. Like we grew up in New York. And it's Monday to Friday block parties.

And the kids could come out and there's a football, a basketball, a whiffleball, and you have to do everything. So you're not in that fucking house, Nick. I know. But that world doesn't. It doesn't exist. It doesn't exist anymore. That's a dream for me to go on the street.

Listen, we used to play pole to pole. My mother was on the porch. Tommy Henry's mother was down the block. Louis Alvario's mother was on the other corner. I'm just naming names. In a span of like two, three blocks, everything happened. And your mother, if she wanted you, she just called from the porch. And it was a beautiful world.

You know what I mean? I just, the way I grew up was like, we weren't rich with money, but we were rich with so many other things. Like, my brother didn't have the same experience about the neighborhood I grew up and so he's like well you like that neighborhood you like he was always autistic and I think he always thought he was better than that neighborhood but it was a beautiful place I mean when I go back it's gone I feel sad I went by it and I'm like wow you know you feel sad because you remembered the world that was here there was a world there now it looks smaller it looks

different it looks like wow everybody's gone it's like the twilight zone and I remember that world but it's gone and you want me to say before this again no disrespect respect to you, we're talking about your son. We're talking about that, you know, he went to Chicago. He gave a semester and he gave him. And Nick, he's a great kid. I know that poor kid's in T. was five. He loves you.

He's a fucking tremendous kid. He's got tons of talent. He does his own music. You know, I think I follow him on Twitter. Yeah, he told me to follow him on Twitter. So, but I had to tell you something, Nick. And this goes back to what I'm fucking telling you. Like my friend right now, who I love dearly, has got a kid who was a little men's

But they got heavy loot. Yeah. So they put them away at some school with six people in a class, and they pay a lot of loot, and the kid comes home, and now they want to send them to some weird city. And I sit there at night thinking about, wait a second, this kid, the most excitement he's ever seen in his life is Laurel King. You know, if you stand a corner on Laurel King, see those cars go back and forth,

that's action to him. Right. Like, that's heavy to the action. Yeah. And I'm not trying to be sarcastic. I'm being fucking realistic here. So how are you going to put that kid in your understanding? how long till

socially and the pressures of that city those cars doing 90 because I'm 55 and I grew up there and I go back to do comedy and I don't like standing on the corner Nick I got anxiety my heart starts beating I can't fucking breathe I live here now this is the lifestyle I know I get you but how can you grow up being

and I'm gonna throw you in Chicago I know yeah you grew up with three black kids here and their name's a fucking you know And they stuck him with a 21 year old kid which he could be you know that's not right Why isn't he with an 18-year-old?

Then the kid robs him, and that was the whole issue, and then the kid wouldn't admit it, and he had the proof. And I'm like, at least just say, yeah, I stole the $50 or whatever, and we can move on. And so that was bad enough. The guy's robbing from him. And, you know, it's the Midwest. Chicago's a nice city, but it's also very... But the kids are flying in, and they come from a kept society.

You know, Lee, do you remember a time when kids' part? on the street in your youth? It's messed up because I grew up on a like a busier street. Kind of, but not really. It's messed up because I got, Lee. I grew up on, when I came from Cuba, Lee, I was on 205 West 88th Street. It don't get no busy than that. You remember your address?

Give me your adjures. 105 West 88th Street. 243-day show 6132nd Avenue. Rosdale, New York. PS-160, motherfucking 6th. PS 38 and then St. Clair's. I love those names. All that shit, I remember.

How could you not remember? I remember my street. I remember my mother coming up to me. Remember your phone number, your home phone number? No, I still don't remember. LA8-3703. What a number. Someone's going to steal your identity, Nick. Oh, shit, I shouldn't have said that.

That's right. We'll have to admit it. All right. That's fake. Don't listen. Like, I think about how how can these kids be prepared to be put in a big city where the most,

the most action they've seen is Ventura Boulevard. It's not fair. No, you're right. You know, he knows New York, but I think Chicago felt a little weird to him. Like, when I left, I had a weird feeling in my stomach, like, I don't know if this is going to work. I'm just not. But he has to take a shot. He took a shot.

He took a shot. Listen, that's the most important fucking thing. You know, it's not the worst thing. I have a friend that's flipping out right now. The wife is flipping out. And he's told her, he's like, thank God I dropped out of college. I wouldn't have all this. He's not dropping out.

He just don't want to go to school. No, he goes, I went for two semesters. And I had a hard time. And then I got a job, and I ended up in Hollywood. And now I'm a fucking writer. And that's how we live up in the canyons with a butlin named fucking Jojo. Right. You know, we got a fucking lady who lives next door to wipe the kid's ass.

I mean, these people are filthy fucking rich. They're doing well. And the wife. The wife gets pissed. Whatever the fuck we were talking about. Well, you know, women are women. I mean, you know. Oh, no, we're talking about the kid.

I'm sorry. Oh, my kid. No, not your kid. The dude's kid. The kid came back. Came back, yeah. And he's like, well, if I didn't have these issues, I wouldn't have been here. But they spent all this, and they went for fucking.

A lot? They bought the car and had it transported. The building. They got the cabbage, right? Oh, yeah. This is just a bad day for them. This is like a bad day for them. Right.

So it's not like, you know. Yeah, no. Nobody lost them. No, no. These schools are a lot of money And you're taking out loans and stuff If your heart ain't in it You don't think you're getting something out of it

Even the school didn't even say Well why are you leaving My brother even said Did they say why are you going to go? No So then that's a bad sign They should say well you know Don't give it a little more time

Or you try to convince you That shows you right there People go to this school They leave left and right Their turnover is bad He said their cash poor So maybe just was a bad fit you know he wanted it to work out

I mean you know this fucking school down the corner here Valley College tip top magoo nobody gets their feelings hurting he still gets spaghetti on Wednesday you know what I'm saying fuck that you go two years you do good

right you save money what you actually want to do with your life Nick about think about all the aggravation Nick you would have fucking saved you would stay at home with your mother me oh you still could have got your dick sucked in the basement down by the garbage can

nobody you know what I'm saying think of all the fucking aggravation of millions. You could have put away if you just would have stayed and shut your fucking mouth. I know. You could have shot NYPD Blue

and flown home and live with Grandma and go to the church on Sundays and still get your little stamency suck in the confessional and nobody knows nothing in those days. Nobody's going to come at you with a tape from 1984

and say, we ate your ass at a fucking bingo hall. You know, it's pretty tough to hide a cat with a bingo hall. I want to just done that man I'd get married the first time

forget it. Jesus Christ if we were to stay home. I wanted you all to take five minutes if you just stayed in the fucking basement and socked away your millions you dumb fuck. I was doing that for a couple of years. If my mother was alive I'd be in that fucking basement

with a Playboy bunny picture up jerking off. I wouldn't even look at a woman. Do you understand me? I'd be living there off mom's bosom getting those good Cuban food with some fried bananas. I would not leave that fucking house. Fed, clothes, free rent.

When I was 21, I poisoned my father, just on principle. What? Just to take over the house. No, I'm saying, like, if I was a normal kid from a normal house and I had one of those moms that baked and shit, I thought you were admitting to something. I rubbed your feet and shit when you got home and called you a sonny boy, do you want me to bring you up the meal?

I would have poisoned my father, you know what I'm saying? I would have got really old man and taken over this shit. let the pension take care of mortgage let the life insurance take care of the mortgage have you thought this out joey no but this is what i would do if i was a normal white kid why suffer through all this fucking life just poison your father and take over the house he's got a pension he's got everything prepared you know all these white people you know we've got everything in cuss he leaves god forbid bill they show you where it is

both of my parents have taken me and show me where their stuff is What stuff is? All their stuff, when it happens, they take you as soon as they turn 50, they start telling you where they're, like, the wills. Tell me where there is. I don't need to know. Just in case. I got some people up there, you know what I'm saying?

The burial plots. Don't just tie your mother up and take the loose. Oh, Jesus, man. Oh, Jesus, man. It's, no, it worries me, bro. I sit here and I go, what am I going to do with my daughter? I'm gonna raise her in studio sit. Yeah, all right, great.

Well, she's gonna be a Harvey victim. No. Yeah, bro, it's either Harvey or, listen, there's always a judo replace you. You know what I'm saying? How old is she now? She's fine, but... I see pictures of her with you, and it's so funny this, because I've never seen you in person with her,

but it's adorable just to see that little girl with you. You know, I just like to think of you with a little girl, five years. It doesn't even like I can't compute in my head. You know, like Joey Coco walking on with a five-year-old girl. But it's the best when, you know, these years, let me tell you. Oh, my God. You got a few years yet before she starts to get a little complicated.

Please. She's five, and she already, like, today she didn't want to kiss me. What's the problem? I'm playing. How did I fucking put a gun to her? Like, listen, you don't fucking kiss me. There's no skateboard on your birthday. Then she kissed me.

She goes, I'm going to miss you when you're guns. She knows how to work it. Yeah. Oh, she works. She does. They work at here fairly. They figure it out. she puts her against my wife.

Yeah? Oh, yeah. She knows how that fucking double-tracked my wife and go, well, I ask Daddy. Daddy said it was all right. And then she'll come in and look at me like Frozen. And then the other day something happened. I had her at the park. It was just me and her.

And something happened, and she threw a little Puerto Rican fit at me. And then had to grab it by the hand. And go, listen, you know what me? I'm my mom. We'll leave right the fuck now. And she calmed down and I gave it a tissue. And when my wife pulled up an hour later, as my wife was parking, she looked at me and she goes, Dad, don't tell Mom I threw a fit, okay? She said that?

Oh, yeah. She knows. Yeah, she knows. She knows. She's smart, huh? Yes. Yeah, but she knows how to play both of you. Yeah, she already figured it out.

Daddy, man, yeah, and I heard her. I was in my office. I heard her to tell my wife, Mommy. me, I'm going to sleep with you tonight. Daddy said it was okay if I slept with you tonight. She asked me if she could sleep at me, and I said, listen, you can sleep with this, maybe like this weekend. That's what I said.

She was working my wife. My wife came in and asked me, and I said, no. I said, tell her what I told you. You said, I think my son, so tonight or this weekend. I said, no, no, this weekend. Nothing about. She wants to sleep in the bed? Yeah, so we give it like one night a week, like Sundays is family night.

And it's a fucking nightmare It's a fucking nightmare I sleep with a foot And my kidney on that I wake up I saw only one night One night a week She sleeps at this

My daughter was good My son was a nightmare That guy would make Sneak attacks for years That's why I said he didn't grow It's a fucking guy Never slept Came in every night for years

I'd see a silhouette Jump out of bed And there he was sneaking in I try to make a fucking move On her And then my arm It's him in the middle I couldn't get him out of my bed

bed for many many years there's a problem this fucking guy took over my bed took he took her i felt like you know i felt like a third wheel yeah even today he's still jumping in the fucking bed teasing me i drag him out of the fucking bed he's always getting under my skin you know he likes the bottom and we're close but just nay he's relentless and you know what bro but he loves his mother i'm happy he's home because that's a nightmare for me i don't even like my cat out of the house like if my kid Cat was one of those cats that you had let out at night. Yeah. I can't sleep at night.

Every night. I was always a little worried. Yeah. Listen, I'm the type of dude. If I like you and you live close to me, I won't tell you this. But every night in the drive home, I drive by your house. I drive by Lee's house every night.

You don't know it. I either drive down that side street when I go smoke a joint, or I either drive back on Laurel Kang and make a right on your corner and come home. Well, that's the type of guy. You're saying? You always check. Yeah, of course. On people.

I mean, you don't want to get a call one day. You know, it's bad enough. Anything can happen anyway. I can't fucking imagine my child and another. It's like me living here being fucking 70. It's a little weird. And Mercy living in New York fighting for a fucking life. Me thinking about the Korean taking that fucking button.

That's bad enough. You're thinking about that Korean hitting the button. If you go to New York and I said it before, and I grew up there, I love New York. with all my heart, let me tell you something, you go to New York, and you could smell bomb. You could smell bomb, you could just, it's

inevitable. They're not going to stop until they take down that fucking city. They're not going to stop. And they're building on top of people. They're building in New Jersey. On edge water, they're fucking, they're putting building. I love it, but it looks like, you know, so that show, all that shit

I can't sleep at night. Just thinking that people, like, Ari, my friend Ari lives in New York. If I get up in the middle of the night, I always call. Because it's five in the morning in fucking New York. I'm going to just hear you. Because he's one of those nights. Oh, that city is just, it's a target.

You look at it and you always say, you're right. It's just even though, even after the trade center, it's just looming like, you know, it could happen again someday. Something could happen. I still remember being in the city the time they hit the first, the first time they hit the World Trade Center, I was on, like, Broadway. And I was delivering packages for a phone call. company.

I mean the first bombing? The first bombing in 93, 94. I remember I had a pager. And in those days, the guy with, my job was from one to five. I'd give 400 a week. And I had a certain coverage every day. And I had to drop off packages in that coverage. Probably drop off six packages.

And all they, sometimes they drove me up to the fucking place. And all I had to do is run upstairs on the fucking elevator, sign the thing, and drop off the package. It was some type of phone messaging service. They got bought by Sprint or something years later. They were out of Virginia. I forget who the fuck they were now. And they were giving me $400 a week just to drop out packages every fucking day,

down and low, you know, all around. And I had a pager. And for some reason, the pages stopped working because somebody told me they were going to call me in an hour. And this person always called me. And I fucking said, fuck it. I'm not going to wait in the city all afternoon for them to call me back. I guess I'm done for the day

and I took the fucking bus over and I knew the world trades in it had been hit but I guess they hit the tower so there was no reception for a bunch of people I didn't know this shit till later that that's why my page they had been paging me I just wasn't getting no pages because

they had knocked down something signal yeah I still remember that I still remember being in the city that fucking day so I wouldn't happen the second time. I was in fucking Shred. I was in Hollywood Boulevard. I was in the Jersey Shore and

my friend called me and he said I was going to fly that week too, ironically. And he goes to Toro, you're home? Yeah, he goes, why? I turned a TV on your were at war or some shit. And I said, war. I had a bad fight to it home the night before. Man, a bad drag down. I don't know. It was nothing. Over some stupid shit.

And then I turned the TV on it looked like a little toy. It was coming right through. I didn't know what the fuck I was looking at. You know, in the plane that went right through the second. He was just surreal. Fucking surreal. And then I think about a week later, a week or two later, I drove back, cross-country. I fucking drove back.

I got mistaken in Walmart for a terrorist one time. Me and this guy Gabe, my Filipino cousin. All right after that. Crazy white woman. For two months after. Terrorist, she goes. It was tough. What the fuck?

I wish it was a Walmart employee because I said I could sue Walmart. They were accusing me of being the terrorists. On the drive back? Yeah, on the drive back. I stopped like in Kansas. I stopped in all these places. I went to baseball stadiums. I was driving a fucking Toyota Sequoia and I was pulling a fucking little U-Haul.

It said you could go about 45 mile an hour with the U-Haul. I was doing about 90. That fucking U-Haul. I pulled into these baseball stadiums, right? And the problem was parking the motherfucker. With the U-Haul? Yeah. But the U-Hauls attached to the car.

Why didn't you just leave the U-Haul? Oh, I was carrying stuff back from Jersey in that U-Haul. And so I'd pull in the fucking parking lot. Then I'd have to attach the U-Haul and put the U-Haul in one spot in the Sequoia and another. And one time, man, whatever, the Baltimore Orioles told me it's very ugly. And I said, well, what do you want me to do?

They go, you go park it's somewhere else. So you can't be driving a U-Haul looking the way you do two weeks after 9-11. I was the fucking... That is the funniest thing of all the time. One time the U-Haul... You know, I disconnected it.

It started fucking going down in Kansas City. It started like going down the road. I was grabbing it. It weighed a lot of weight, man. They were fucking heavy, though, yeah, fucking heavy. It was hysterical. I mean, only a guy like me would be

driving cross-country with a U-Haul and a Toyota Sequoia. And stopping at Major League Baseball Stah. Stopping in Kansas City. They stopped in Camden Yards. I stopped in Coorsfield. They stopped.

Where else did I stop? Pittsburgh. You know, I was doing my baseball tour. But just the thought that some lady said. Did they stop here? No, no. It was the woman. She was a customer.

She was looking at my, Gabe, who's Filipino and me, who I'm dark. So I can be mistaken for an Iranian at times or anything. Gabe, who the fuck knows? Gabe is like fucking Forrest Gump. That's my right-hand man. He was like, Nick, I'm just, they think we're terrorists. I was like, Gabe, stop it. He's like the fucking rain man.

Gabe is like the fucking rare, highly functioning, you know. Or he's idiot savant. He's fucking hilarious, man. Just trying to express myself. It's fucking great, Gabe. You know, like, he watches me watching the Yankee games, so he's a Seahawk friend. So now, like, when he watches the Seahawk games, he's like, motherfucker.

Fuck you! He became like me, like watching the Yankee games because he likes the curse now because he feels like, you know, he can express himself better. Listen, I love Lysayat. He's my brother. I love the death.

I love breaking his balls, you know. And we're in Vegas. And the funniest fucking thing happens. You know, in life, you go out and, like, I'd have five friends when I hung out. Like, when I was at 19, let's pretend. 1982 had Pelican, Stinky, me, and fucking Fernie.

That was the four of us. I knew each of our limitations, and I knew who was capable of doing who and what at any minute. You know, Stinky was the type of guy that he loved everything we did, but he didn't want to hold anything. So, you know what, he'd pay you for the Coke, but he didn't want to hold it. He was just one of those dudes. I'd rather not hold it.

Right. Fernie, on the other hand, would strap a fucking donkey onto him and walk across the border. Like nothing happened, you know what I'm saying? And the other fucking little tick, Roger, he'd do anything. Like, he was just crazy. So when things happen, when those guys are around, nothing surprises you. Do you understand? You know those crew of people that you grew up with that you really know?

Now, I really got to know Lee. I know he's a sweetheart of a guy. And we're in Las Vegas, right? And the star guy comes, right? The guy, you know, and he shows up and we're having a good time. It's after a show in Vegas. It's got to be 400 people, 200 people leave, and there's actually 200 people standing around, and we're just talking.

But there's 10 bags of those things going around. And people are just fucking eating them in the hallway of this hotel in fucking Las Vegas, like it's popcorn at a movie theater. And I'm looking at this scene going, holy shit, this is hysterical. And the next thing, you know, I see a security guard run up. And he just, like, points at Lee. And I'm like, and I'm talking to, like, people.

I'm trying to be nice. I just can't leave the people. I'm trying to pay attention to the people at the same time see what's going on with Lee. And the next thing, you know, Lee's almost going to get arrested because the camera saw him giving somebody a star. So they escorted him to his room.

Took his fucking, made him get dressed and they escorted him out of the hotel with a fucking criminal. Whatever. They made him, you know, whatever. He was dressed. They made him get undressed, whatever the fuck. But he's banned from the hotel for life. Listen, I understand you tell Lee can't come back for six months. But really banned for life.

I mean, it's medical marijuana if you really took a look at it. Was it legal? Yeah, but who cares? you got guys over here try to rob your hotel. Do you know what I'm saying? You have to expect this hotel that when you go to the palms, you smell weed in the hotel at the palms. If you check into the palms with your kids

and you call downstairs and go, excuse me, I don't know what to do. It's a horror show up here. Is this the palms? Yeah, I got this tripper saying, Daddy, don't fuck me in the ass next door to me. I got people in the hallway snorting cocaine and I got people next door playing the guitar.

You know, when you're at the Palms, bro, it's a hotel for kids of the 21 through 25, 26. They go to the club in there, they pop ecstasy, and they're right in the fucking hotel. There's a section there for young kids where they jump up and down. I don't know if it's the Palms anymore. But I was just telling the story the other day

that one time there was going to be a UFC fight there, this had to be before I was even married. Before I was even with Terrible. I used to go to this place, Dukes for breakfast. Every day. That's how I got to be 418 pounds. I would snort Coke at night and go to Duke for breakfast on the sunset strip. And I go to every day and get a fucking three-egg omelet with American cheese and extra-American cheese.

And steak fries for breakfast in a side order of bacon and Coca-Cola, Jack, nothing but. You bring that diet over here by mistake. There's going to be a fucking beating here. and if you look to the county, you know what Dukes is? I've heard of that. We're on the sunset strip next to that rock bar. The real for the whiskey. Yeah, yeah, but a whiskey, right?

And if you go in there, I would go in there four fucking days a week. And this is after I would eat breakfast at where I was living. Or these are the days when I used to eat where I was living, go to McDonald's and get an egg McMuffin. And with the hash brown and drink the soda. And I would go to my buddies house smoked dope. And we'd go over there like at 945. 10 o'clock and I get the cheese on it. That was my third breakfast with the steak fries.

And I look over to the side and there's your boy. He would be in there four days a week hanging out with a beard talking to people at the counter fucking John Wilk. What's his name? John Wick. John Wick? Oh, um. He would be there.

He would be in that place. Oh, that guy. Four nights, four days. Really? And fucking nicer than fucking shit. Until this day, I think about that. And I go, Jesus fucking Christ. And I never said nothing to him until, like, after about a year,

I finally said hello to him or something on the way out. One day he had the newspaper, and I was sitting on the counter. I was buried by myself. I didn't have to say hello, but I said it, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I didn't take a picture of him. I didn't bother the poor guy. He had a beard, longer hair.

He didn't, bro, when you see him in the daytime, he don't look like no fucking Hollywood model. He's just a regular guy, you know what I'm saying? Right. So I saw him and I had nothing, but I saw them there a bunch of time. But there was a waitress there that used to work there. Would she win Miss America contest? Not really. But she had a nice body, and she was a sweet girl, and she was very nice.

And I always thought that she was a little overflatious. That was my breakfast place of choice, so I never really said nothing to it. I'd smile and leave a nice tip and leave. leave. While in this particular night, I go to the palms. So we're Rogan in those dudes. And dog, I'm not doing blow. I'm doing blow, but I have some upstairs in the room.

And for some reason, I just wasn't in the mood to do it. Rogan and those guys, Eddie Bravo, want to go to a bar. But on the walk to the bar in the palms with all those people walking in the hallways, you know how they fucking thousands of people? I saw the waitress. from Dukes that I've been eating breakfast at for a year. That's kind of fucking cute that I never really said nothing to. I always knew she could have been a freak.

This confirmed it. But there were so many people, Nick, that we got to see each other's moment and hit each other's hand. And she said, are you staying here? And I go, yeah, I'll see you later. And we kept walking. I was like, that's fucking weird. And I went up to my room, bro, took a shower, got high,

and went to bed. Well, I woke on, went to bed like at 10. 30. I woke up like a 4.15 the morning. I'm fucking starving. I said, fuck it. Let me walk downstairs. I walked downstairs, bro. And it was like fucking pickum.

You know? I sat there for breakfast, Nick, and there was a chick by herself drinking champagne. And as soon as she saw me, she toasted the glass to me. And I was like, holy shit. That's a hooker. I don't know how you're going to look. I don't want to know.

Right. Right. Right. I don't know what's going on. Bro, next thing you know, some other chick came in and started talking to a bunch of guys. Next thing you know, another drunk chick came in with a shoe busted. Started talking. Another chick came up and sat at the table, Nick. Holy shit.

And started talking to me. Do you know me get some coke, honey? And this bitch was banging. And I was like, I don't know nothing. And next thing, you know, guess who walks in? Who? The waitress from fucking dukes. And she sees me.

She comes right over to the table. We start talking. I ask because she was she a little fucked up. I get down. She wants to get high, absolutely. You go up to the room. We finish off the dootsaluts. And then what?

I eat a monkey. Whatever. And that's it. That's good. Then two weeks later, I got an omelet from her. You got what? An omelet because she was the waitress at Dukes. Oh, you got an omelet.

Fucking craziness. This had to be 20 fucking years ago. Wow. 19 years ago it was. Got a good memory, boy. What was the point of the fucking story anyway? I don't even fucking know. I don't know.

There was a point. There was a point. I'm fucking so lost lately. You know, from a moment to, I don't know if it's the age. I can't remember from moment to moment. I swear no, I just, I walk around. Take a shit, you wipe your ass, you get up, you're like, what do I do?

I forget my hat I forget this I forget that It's just My fucking brain Is just not sharp Do you not write anything down? I gotta start right

I'm starting to write shit down I'm gonna have honest Send you a thing of the alpha brain And maybe you need to smoke a little pot To get the fucking mental going I don't really smoke weed But that's the problem You gotta get them good

I got some good shit I got some medical shit This is it But they give to you Before they take an eye Yeah Before they kill you They leave your eye to charity

The guy... You know these fucking morons? They're just going to... Listen, you leave your eyes that's still. Let's say on the back of your license, you say, I want to leave my eyes. You're supposed to leave your eyes, yeah. You leave your eyes or your ears or something.

Listen, if you're three-quarters dead, they just stab you. They would have your eyes. Have you alive be the mobile at the hospital. I saw this. One of these, you know, you ever watch real sports? One of these shows. You think I'm fucking kidding you.

Oh, the sky left. They'll kill you alive when you think. Well, I won't. Because they'll take your eyeball. Let's say, you know how much the eyeballs are in the black market? $8,000. Like right now, there's somebody going to listen. He's blind.

And he's like, listen, I want some nice Jew eyes. Chew eyes. That's all I've ever wanted. I got a fucking implant anyway. I got one implant. So listen, what's the got to do with the Jew eye? I don't know. Some Jew wants an eye, right?

In fucking Arabia somewhere. He wants two eyes. He wants two eyes. And some poor Jew's driving down the street and fucking sunset. And he gets side wiped. And now he's in the hospital. He's a half a schmo. You a donor?

No, because I'm scared. Because let's say if you're a half of Momo and you got three quarters left of life and they can't find your wallet or your phone for you to call your loved one, don't just look around and go, hit him in the head and somebody comes over and puts a hand

over your mouth like Clemenza. Really? Oh, fuck yeah, and they take your eyes. That's not what they do. And next thing you know, there's a black dude in Africa with your eyes. No way. He just got him fucking federal air on ice. Yeah. It's fucking.

Oh, my God. What the fuck do you think they do with your eyes? They wait till you die? Fuck, no. Who wants someone to die? You never seen that episode of Law & Order when the guy just said stab him? No. Like, there's an episode about Law & Order.

order pretty interesting and they had a case on them and they were losing the case so the fucking DA said dig deeper and finally some chick said I've got a confession to make I went to him for an abortion and when the baby came out it was still alive and he asked me what he wanted to do when I told him to terminate him and he basically turned around and snapped his fucking neck so this connect him to this other crime that he did yeah you know law and order fucking throws him He did from time to time. And they base it off real stories, Lee. They just changed the names.

But they used a story and the plot. They make it more exciting. No, no, no, no, no, no. So what this doctor did was he already had ordered the anesthesia. Oh, my God. For the fucking patient at a certain time. He had to go to the pharmacy and take the anesthesia out. He lied.

So they asked him, why would you have the anesthesia? If they weren't dead, they got him that way. Through something, he checked. out came back to kick him in the ass, which proves that fuck it, he had a deal with a clinic that needed eyeballs quick. So if he delivered the eyeballs quickly, he got a bonus. Oh, really? Yeah, so that's why he fucking would just stab people. What is he, Puerto Rico? He married.

He's one of the way he lives with his mother stab him. Yeah. And they stab you, and next thing you know, like, oh, he got hit by a car. And then he was laying there, and some ISIS came and stabbed him and said, And I saw a bebe and ran away. And there you are thinking somebody stabbed you. And next thing you know, your mom's touching your face. And she goes to open up your eyeball and there's fucking the back of your skull. And she goes, I'm into his eyes.

Oh, we took those out. He's a donut. He checked the bugs. Jesus, Christ. That's how fucking quick. Don't you remember years ago in 60 minutes? They did a thing about women who would fucking lure you in Las Vegas. And they would take it to a hotel room and you would be fucking them.

And next thing you know, you'd wake up in a time. filled with ice and they'd leave a note on you to call hotel security to get an ambulance that they took your kidneys they took your kidneys dog they would fucking dope you and why you were fucking sleeping they would take your fucking kidney a kidney is one kidney whatever you can live with one right yeah you can supposedly they would take your kidney i don't want to try how would they take your kidney bro they would take your kidney stitch you back up put you in the tub fill it up with ice and leave you on ice and you woke up with a fucking note going, listen, don't go nowhere.

I never heard that. Oh my God, look it up, Lee. That's a true story. That's a true story. At least they left a note. There was a scam going on for a couple years, and they finally either they caught them or they couldn't find them because the people were taking your kidney and going right to the airport.

They had the flight planned and like, your kidney was on ice by five. They wanted to flight to Switzerland by 7 a.m. Bye-bye. And your kidneys on a bag with ice around it. Oh, my God. fucking crazy shit they do. It's like human trafficking. Yeah.

It's the same thing, man. Somebody's really rich and they need something you want. Years ago, when I first moved here, I auditioned for a show for showtime, and I went all the way to producers. And I went up against some names. And it was this show, they canceled it after the first season

because it was also based on true stories. And one of the episodes was a dude that was filthy rich that lived like in Texas and I was his go finder I was like his pseudo bodyguard But go for Remember the name of his shot? He got acclaimed

It got like really great reviews I was like episode eight I was really excited about it Oh was like critical It was like people really liked it It was different This episode was about a guy Who was filthy rich

Had more money than God But couldn't get his dick hard Because he needed a kidney all he wanted was kidneys. So this guy's job was to bring him different people and say, what about him? And he would go, he looks kind of morose. You know, I'm looking for a guy that looks a little bit more uppity.

I want some uppity kidneys, you know what I'm saying? Like the guy was very eccentric. And there was the same scam. This guy had 30 days to live, and he had millions of dollars. And all he wanted was a kidney match. But everybody who they brought him was wrong. I forget how the episode ended. because it was fucking 30 fucking years ago.

I smoked a gallon of pot since then. But yeah, it was about those type of people that that's what they did. Did you find anything like that? There's some stuff at hospitals, but they're saying at least Snope says the bathtub one isn't real. Something with a, I'm telling you,

something with a bathtub, you'd wake up with a note. Your kidney's gone. Medical shit is crazy, ain't it, man? Oh, my God. my knee operated and

how do you feel about it when you get an operation it's crazy ain't you man it's just like you know anesthesia everything

you gotta remember it's a different world today Nick it really is I know this fucking guy left me in pain and then he left

for Cabo and he was making out with a chick I said and I like the doctor I told him you left me in agony and meanwhile

you're on a beach making out I couldn't get a hold of you for a week I was screaming he was giggling his ass off

he loves him he's a good guy he's good surgeon but you know they just operate They don't tell you what you're in for. You know, it's why you had a bad tear, man.

I had to go in there and clean it up. You know, and even now, a month later, I'm sore as shit. Bro, they don't talk to you. And I learned that after my first knee surgery, but they do refer you for physical therapy. That's what I'm doing now. And you've got to go to the physical therapy. You've got to be there all the fucking time.

And it's tough to get appointments. I know. Because you got to contend with other people by the time you fucking get that. He got me in, you know. He got me in. likes me now. Yeah, they basically get you in there. Yeah.

And by the time you get in there, you can't miss an appointment. Then they like you and you listen to them and you do the homework. Yeah. They give you a second visit. And then they put you in the rotation. But since you're not like a big shot, you got to show up there at 515 in the morning to be on a bicycle spinning on a fucking ball for 30 minutes. They got me walking down the hallway.

Yeah, they got you doing a bunch of shit. They got me doing it as a bunch of shit. Because my brother, I'm up for this job with my brother. And he's like, well, fix you nick. fix your knee because you got to Skype I'm like what the fuck this Skype got to do with my knee this guy's out of his mind

he's got to fix your knee because then you got to Skype like I got to fix my knee so I can Skype I don't want to say nothing to him but that's my brother he's just he's so crazy in the way he thinks

you got to fix your knee because then you got to Skype I can fucking Skype I can Skype without fixing my knee you know what I mean my knee wasn't that bad but it was bothering me in bed I don't know man

fucking now my son's bothered me Did you Skype yet? Did you Skype? No, not yet. Skype your ass. Because I might have to ride a horse. I might do this project in Italy. So it might be kind of cool.

I never worked over there overseas. Nick the Toro, I hated all that shit. I refuse to go to the dentist. I hate the dentist. I refuse to go to doctors. You ever have a dry socket? What's that in your eyeball? Oh, no.

It's after, like, I had a guy pull my tooth, and it was one of the worst fucking pains. And the guy couldn't see it. It was almost like death. And they couldn't see that I had a dry socket. But it's an infection you can get after an extraction. You don't ever want to get one. It's really bad.

It feels like death. And then, you know, he goes, oh, you had a dry socket. I never felt such a headache even... I was in New York and I was screaming with pain. Because the guy fucked around my tooth. He couldn't get my tooth out. He was fucking around and trying to pull it, trying to pull it. And then that's how I developed that dry socket.

Remember years ago you'd get gas? They put a mask on your face, gas mask. I hated that. I was always claustrophobic. I hated putting a big mask on my mouth. And they'd make you pass out and make you a half a box. Yeah, and make you real. You'd see heads like 2,000 feet high.

I didn't go fucking hallucinate. I'm going to be as honest I can with you. The last, the dentistry has up their game also. And you know me, dog, I will complain. I go to those places to complain so I don't have to go back and I gotta be honest with you I'll give you a hundred bucks

if you tell me that shit hurts anymore A dentist? They don't hurt no more Not as much I go over here into the corner This Armenian dude dog They fucking take the Armenian cocaine They put it inside your gum

I just went 10 days ago The day after Christmas I was there 26 for a fucking cat right over here You go in there She's the nicest lay in the world Right. They coke you up. Eight in the morning I went.

That takes balls for a guy like me because that's my fainting zone. I still haven't woken up yet. Right. I live to faint. You know that. Oh, really? I can't see needles. I don't like people with needles coming around.

Pass out. I'll take needles, but it's got to be on my terms. I got to show up early. I want to get it out of the way because the more I think about it, I'm going to go down. Wow. So 10 o'clock, I'm not going to give you blood. You're like Ralph Cramden. Yeah.

Don't give me blood at 10 o'clock, one in the afternoon is not going to work. You want my blood. I got to see you at 8.30. Quick Dick McGoo. I want to get it out of the way. Because I'm going to go down, and then I don't want to fuck up my day. So I bring the iPod with me, the iPad,

whatever the fuck it is, the music. I put the speakers on, and there's one song I listen to every time I give blood. Oye Como by Santana. I put my arm out, and I keep it right here. And while I wait, I keep ticking it to the start. I must listen to it 20 times, before the needle comes in my arm.

I just keep clicking the thing like a retard. As soon as it goes, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-saw-ro. As soon as that goes, I click it by back. And the black lady, the black lady puts the fucking tube around my arm. And I keep clicking it, clicking it, clicking it, until she fucking puts my arm down. And I don't feel nothing.

I got to be honest, you, in the last three years, one lady missed a vein in that. fucking kill me when I got the surgery for my nose that morning was debt what you had in sinus yeah they cleaned out the old coke rocks I got them chiseled out of there yeah yeah it's a lot better now you can see the four presidents you look at my nose you can see the four presidents have you got Nicole an Oscar be yeah what's that oh when they put the camera yeah I gotta do that yeah you did it yeah tremendous how'd you come out all right tremendous I'm here sitting talking to you knock on when you do it because I'm 55 about 18 months ago

I did it when I turned 50. Lee drove me. Yeah? What'd you do? You do the Twilight or did you do the tube in your asshole? No, I mean what did you take? Twilight for the anesthesia? They put you to sleep.

Listen, I don't know. I don't ask questions. You didn't do the Propathol, did you? Listen, I look at the doctor. I go, we were all right here. Because we're not alright. I already told somebody what your name and your phone number is. So if I come out of here and all of the same.

Now the night before you had a cleanse? Yes, tremendous. How was that? Is that rough? Well, listen, for fucking Gentiles, it was the roughest night of my life. All right, listen. What do you drink? You drink some cement shit?

They give you some shit. You mix it with water. And you sit six feet from the toilet. You put the remote there. You tell your wife, you give it a 50. And you tell her to go and go go hotel and find yourself a hotel. How many times do you go? You go about, first you go lightly, right?

We got to talk about this shit. No, first. So let's say it's, lead drove me at 5 in the morning. Oh, my God. No, because I just had it. So mine was at 6 a.m. Right. So it's 12 hours before the surgery.

You got to drink. To drink it. So it's 6 o'clock. But people don't know for you young motherfuckers. When you turn 50, you get two fucking letters in the mail. You get one from your insurance telling you that you have to come in for a colonoscopy. And you play stupid. You take that letter and you rip it up because you hear oscopy and you know colon.

and you know there's a finger coming in the ass because I've been getting the finger in the ass twice a year for years now. Yeah. I'm like you. I got the sagging shirt and I use that thing. Yeah. I ain't scared of no.

I mean, I've had an irritable bowel syndrome. No, no, no, no. I don't have no other bowel syndrome. No, no, no. I don't have no other bowel syndrome. I mean, years ago, a guy turned me upside down. That's another word for a listen. I got a problem taking shits all day.

I can't stop taking shit. We'll call it. We'll call it. Well, that's what they fucking called it. When we were kids, they gave you Briotsky. I had a Briotsky with the water You're drinking It was like cement without the coloring

It was good bud And two hours later boom And if that didn't work Prune juice a cart Prune juice always worked A fucking eight ounce A glass of prune juice Within one hour

You were sitting in a tub Hold on to your stomach crying You remember the fucking geratol The pink stuff I loved that I love that shit It wasn't pink It was like dark

I could drink that shit all day long I wanted to drink that geratol I could drink that shit There was something else I liked as a kid that I was addicted to... I remember the first time I drank night milk. Chocolate milk, I was to the Bosco.

I remember... I remember Bosco. Like a motherfucker. I love Bosco. Like regular milk. For a long time, you had to make a decision between Bosco or quick. Bosco or quick, right? I was a quick dude.

You were quick? I was more of a Bosco guy. Once I went with strawberry, I had a jump with quick for a while. Then I went back to fucking Bosco. Then I stopped drinking chocolate milk. Who gives a fuck? You like those egg creams? Did you like a vanilla?

That's my fucking world. That's the best. I know how to make that. No, what do you think I'm from the tart? I make those. I used to make those. I get, because I'll just,

what I'll usually do, what I'll do is, and I don't like them with fucking, what do I make them with? I put now, stupid. I put Hershey syrup and a little bit of milk. No, you got to get the U-Bets.

You bets. It's U-B-E-T-S. That's the best. I'm a Hershey's guy. You understand. All right. I go with the U-Bets. I put two inches of chocolate

because I like it sweet. Right. I put two inches of real milk or if I'm feeling fucking on the light side, right? I got a thing of heavy cream. cream. If you're going to go deep, you might as will go in like narcos, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I'll stare that motherfucker up real fast. You got to start with the salsa, but... As I'm putting the salsa in. Come on, who do you think you're dealing with? No, I know. Well, listen, my first experience in that whole world, my mom had a drop, my mom was partners in the dry cleaner because it was a booking operation upstairs.

Yeah. And it was on Tremont Avenue in the Bronx. In the Bronx? And 30 yards from the dry cleaners, it was called quality cleaners. And 30 yards from there. There was those corner places. They used to put Italian ice, the three-colored

one, and put sprite on it and stir it up. When I was a kid, I drank two of those a fucking day. They make you run for hours, Doug. Oh, yeah. Nothing like a good lemon ice or good fresh ice. I mean, back then, I mean, you know.

I love all that shit. And those egg creams, I can drink. The problem here is you go to Jerry's deli. They want $4 for an cream. I know. They make it like shit. And you look at them and go, are you fucking serious? You people are thieves. 4.50. For 450, I can make egg creams for four fucking days

for me and late. Four days. They rob you blind. We can make egg creams. Rob you blind. Four fucking days. That's crazy. Really? The 450's what it caught. Four-fifty's are you who. A gallon the fucking milk and two clubs soda. You can make it for yourself. Club soda little milk and get

the fucking old bet. He doesn't like who bet. Where the fuck are you going to find who bet? You can find it. Where? In some markets. Where? Not here.

Yes. Where? You found it here? I'll tell you where. Yeah, I know where to find it. You can find it at Uncle Bernie. There's a deli right by my house. They sell it.

Who bets? Yeah, you beat. I'm going to check on that shit. Oh, I got you. I got you. I bought the best hot dog in New York. I had one couple of months ago. I was in Brooklyn.

I had a fucking subret on the stand. I'm a subred. I'm a subred. I'm a subbrite guy since the day one. So bread in the water with the mustard and sowerkraut. So simple. It's the best fucking hot dog going. Down in seaside park.

Right? Down in seaside park. What is Sarah trout? Sourcrow is like cabbage with clear. Yeah. You don't know that you're Jewish. I know I've never had sourcrown. Down in seaside park, there was a guy that was there since Jesus left Chicago. He'd give you eight sad brets for 20 bucks.

Oh, my God. And he'd make the spice. He'd get the sabbatts. bread chili but dope it up he redop it up spicy chili and put it on so it was chili mustard with onions with the fucking and he wrap them up in aluminum foil sounds good i could eat eight of those on any given sunday yeah all those sub brets go down nice i could eat eight of those and they would love them lee they're just standing up outside standing up outside talking shit to the boys give them another round like the way people drink cocktails like i could sit with you and lee

with Lee and Nick right now in 70 degree weather Stone to the guild Talking to each other Hold on you want a dog yet Just like that And we're headed to a place To eat a fucking

That's the best When you're actually headed to a place To eat a meal And you bump into a sad break guy And the dogs The dogs are on fire Because you know there's going to be traffic And da-la-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-you-know

There's drama And all of a sudden you go You know what guys Let's get a dog Just in case there's traffic because I'm fucking star. Just to hold me over. I don't think I'm making the Long Island.

And the guy's like, you got dogs, yeah. I just came out. You what I mean? I just came out. The buns are nice and hot. And he gives you that first one. He takes that stick and he puts that mustard. And he puts those fucking onions.

You tell him, let me get a can of Coke with that. Do you like Nathan's still? And he gives, no, I'm not a big Nathan's. I'm a sad break guy. I had to make a choice and I went with Sadbred. You grab that fucking can with a napkin. If they got class, they give you a napkin for the hot dog. And they give you a napkin for the can.

That's old school class. That's right. And you open up the fucking can and you bite into the hot dog and that onion mixes with that fucking mustard. And you could taste it on your fucking cream soda. Oh my God. I'm a Coca-Cola type of dude. Well, I like Coca-Cola.

I'm always a Thai. I'm a Coca-Cola. But once in a while, cream soda. I would never switch governments. And if I had a, I get an orange drink was my second choice. Like RC Cola? Oh, like a motherfucker. But I still am a Coca-Cola.

And no ketchup? No ketchup? He don't even have ketchup. If he's a real hot dog man, he won't have ketchup. Real New York hot dog, dude? No, no. Old school? Ketchup is an insult to the hot dog.

It is. Don't just throw the hot dog at you. All these people out here argue, you know, my kid and everybody. Well, listen, they're programmed to give it to the kids in the school. You can't compete. I told my wife, don't bring the fucking ketchup out because I'll stab me in the neck because she's got the hot dog. Cachips for the hamburger. And she asks for the fucking ketchup.

I almost died, but she's five. She doesn't understand. stand. Maybe by the time she's there, I can talk her into being a civilian. Fucking subret, man, some dog. No, that's her. My buddy has one. Can't get him out here. Can't get him. My buddy can get, listen, I get the car for

25 grand the license. And the thing is out of Jersey. The problem is you got to buy everything from Sad Bread out of Jersey. They send it to you. That's why. They send you the hot dogs, the buns, the chili. Go online. But you got to get everything from there? Yeah, look what they have online. They mail it

right to your house. I wonder if it's worth it, Fuck yeah, it's worth it. You mean to sell it to have a stand? To do whatever the fuck you want with it. That's what I would like to do. Look up, sadbreadt.com and they'll tell you everything you fucking need and print it up on the screen here.

You know what? Is another thing that I fucking love? I know three people for sure, Nick. I don't mean to interrupt you. Okay. From the bottom of my heart. Satbread.com is available for a website, by the way. Okay.

Then just looks out. Look up sadbread hot dogs. There's got to be something like that. Sadbread Hotdogs. dot com. Years ago, there was a girl in front of fucking

in front of SAG. Right there on Woolshire. Right there. She'd pull up with a wagon and a hot dog truck

with the sad bread flag. I almost died. Where? Out here? This has to be 15 years ago when I first met you. Like right around

the time I met you, if you went to SAG, she'd be out there. And I actually became friends with. That's when I got up to four. I became, I would go down there for hot dogs. me and my buddy Mike Kessler would smoke a joint goal

you want to go get some Sabretz and we go down there and one day we caught her she was just about the rapper and she said I'll give you this last six I got just give me whatever you want and we started talking and she goes you know what man my husband some Jersey

I go back there I went I fell in love with these things she goes we moved out here I never saw a Sabret hot dog again we invested in a car They had the cart. They had everything. Everything. But she goes, you know what?

For us to live? It was $3.50 a hot dog. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, I know. How are you going to survive? And she kind of knew what she was doing? But she...

No, I'm lying to you. She knew what she was doing. She was doing a good job. The chili was good. It was the sidebread stuff out of a can. It was the same stuff you got in New York. Same stuff. She wasn't toast.

the bread. Okay. She wasn't toasting the bread. The bread is important. The bread is important. It's got to be the sad bread bun. Sad bread bun. That's the bun.

That's the bun. It's thin. It's small. Look at it. So you can order all that shit. There it is. You can order the fucking, right now for fucking 40s.

Listen, oh shit. How much is the cart? I don't know if they got the card. The cart's for call for pricing. Extension 13 for more information. Own. A fucking, uh,

whatever the fuck is. A tabletop menu one. You want the real deal, though. You want the real deal though. You want. Yeah, I don't want no fucking, you want to sell hot dogs somewhere. I want to sell it somewhere. You don't go to town.

When you go to Yankee Spring Training. Yeah. You ever go there? I do once in a while. They're all, you see them down there. Every cart's got fucking Sabret hot dogs. In Florida. In Tampa, Florida,

when I went to do comedy 10 fucking years ago, that's what I ate. The two days I was there. Sabrette. Right outside. the hotel. Some guy was there. How you doing, man? Where's it? Oh, you got Sabrette-Hoddows? Where are you from? Because I'm from Queens.

Yeah. How long have you been down here? Fifteen years. I came for spring training and never left. One of those fucking gloops. He goes, my father owned one of these and it was in the garage. I drove it down here and I do this now. He was selling that. Sabrette dogs. He was, you know, he was trying to make a fucking limit.

Yeah. But me, those are in my blood. No, I hear. That was the first hot dog I ate when I came from Cuba. But no one's brought it out here. No one's ever... Because it's too tough. People don't walk in L.A. Listen. That's part of it. I mean... For years when you meet people who like

to eat food and they live out here now, there's a big argument about they don't make pizza because of the water. They don't do this because of the water. They don't do this because of the pricing. And that's half true. Let me tell you what the other side of that argument is. Nick Taturo.

Your father had a pizza place with your uncle in 1940. They worked there for 20 years and they bought the joint from the dude before he died and they added something to the pizza crust

and they worked hard in Brooklyn and when you became a child and John, you worked for him and you knew the recipe. Now you and John decided your wife didn't like New York, Nick, so you want to move to L.A. I know, look at the passion you have for living.

You would have that same, fucking passion for your food you and your wife open up a fucking Italian place Redondo Beach let's just put a scenario here 1989 when you could still own shit and buy property and you could run like a white man okay here you are fucking using money got from this place you're using excuse me you're using parmesan cheese from New York you're getting my Mutserelle flown in you know The water, let's not get that extreme. Right.

But you're getting all the, you're getting pepperoni that is fucking top knots, the same pepperoni. They sell it raised pizza, you know. You're one of those guys. You work from sunrise to sun fucking down. Here you are selling your pie. The best, the best in anywhere in California. People are driving from all over to eat your pizza. But guess what, bro?

Every day, 10 times a night. you got to sit there with your father's fucking recipe and look at 10 kids walk by your place with a Domino's box. Now, if you're a guy like me, it crushes my insides when I see that. That you'll save 10 bucks to avoid what pizza is to eat fucking Domino's junk. Yeah. So as a home, as somebody who really cares about their food,

as a businessman, you consider it a competitor and you work around it. But somebody who prides what they're doing, whether it's Italian food, Chinese food, Jew food, Cuban food. And all of a sudden, fucking, you know, in Miami, there's a Cuban competitor to everybody. It's not polloo-tropical. It's pollo. We spoke about it. And they got black beans and rice and the balls.

I think it's poyotropical, is it? No, what's the one out here? El-Poyo loco. Oh, Pollo loco. It's poyotropical. Poil tropical is like McDonald's, but they got a nice chicken filet and black beans and white rice. horizon you get a side of onions and fried bananas and it's not fucking bad guys i'm cubing i'm telling you it's not bad that i understand it's good food it's good takeable food but if i

brought a recipe out here that my father worked on for 60 years and i saw a kid walk down my street with a domino's box i'd shoot that motherfucker yeah it breaks your heart and that's a sin it breaks your heart. So that's why I see, I don't see the commitment. How many Cuban restaurants stay around here? Listen, if a fucking Cuban dude moved out from Miami, you take a refugee that cooked in Miami

and cooked at a good hotel in Miami, and he cooked that homestyle Cuban food and you brought him out here, you'd make millions, Nick. You'd make millions as soon as Jennifer Lopez walked in there. You wouldn't have a fucking table available at night, and then you'd

sell the dump after a year and light it on fire and open up another place that's what I but you get my drift if it's it won't happen out of here because the creation you made show me one Chinese restaurant that has pork around here the fried pork that you come in and get

sliced that's New York style I'll tell you three of them that have it but they got the fucking fat in the middle and the one part of the meat is kind of brown and it's not kosher. I'm not the same. No No.

But there's something... It's like wonton soup. You can't get the same. No. There's some people who get pissed. I just don't eat it. I don't complain because I know that I'm not eating nothing kosher. I move on with my fucking life.

I know. Nothing's like back home. We would get takeout. We'd say, what we're going to have tonight? Chinks? All right, let's have chinks. You know? And then we'd get that shit in a cardboard box and it was delicious, right?

You know, we got some Italian food tonight that is acceptable. Yeah. The one is very good. The one with the homemade noodles. Oh, yeah, it's delicious. Yeah, the Arabian. The Bolognese? It's good.

It's good. It's very good. It's good. The only thing is it got a little bunched up together, the pasta got a little. That's how it's supposed to. You know, it's homemade. You got to eat that fucking right. You got to eat right when it's hot.

Right when it's hot. Yeah, otherwise it gets. I don't care what it was, what temperature was. But fucking Nick sauce was a level on top of both of them. I could taste the street in that fucking food. Yeah. Right. I could taste the fucking street in that food.

And I just made that. So that's just, you know, once it settles, it's going to get better and better. You know, I got the pork in there. I got the sausage. I didn't even put the meatballs. That shit is good, right? You just get dipping it. Now, that's real sauce.

You know, now, let's pretend that you'd open up a joint with four little tables. Yeah, you get a bunch of people in there. And you kept it just like this. Nick sauce that's it two meatballs by no don't stop doing Alfredo no don't get fancy don't get fancy Yeah you know what you're getting this beer Right mozzarella sticks keep it simple keep it simple you make it killing But then again people come to you and say oh we went to this Italian restaurant that you've actually been to know it's fucking junk And go it's tremendous you as a real fucking chef who go what the fuck is going on with society

I went into an elevator in Long Island. And when I walked in, there were two kids with Domino's boxes. And the father was standing there. I want to let the kids out of the elevator and grab the dad and go, are you fucking retarded? Are you fucking crazy? You're in Long Island. There's a pizza joint every corner. Every neighborhood.

And you're getting fucking dominoes at the hotel. Long Island's got pizza up the zoo. Oh, my God. I was never so fucking embarrassed. What? Even, oh, my God, I got to tell you what happened. So me and Lee have a mutual friend. John Butt, he's one of the owners at V-Mack, and he's a brown belt.

V-Mack is a jiu-mack as a jiu-mack. He's a jih Tzu place. First place I ever did jih Tijuana. He's still a dear friend, even on Tung. Go over there. He's from above New York. He's from, like, an hour-outside of New York City where it's snowed 39 feet. What today?

No, last week. So he went back to bring his new bride to be up there, and introduce it to the parents. You know, this is a girl he fell in love with Peruvian girl, real cool sweetheart, and he wanted to bring her home, and they had all these fucking plans. Well, they went back there and got Zinopped with the weather so badly that she got fucking sick and slept Christmas Day, and she couldn't get out of bed and the whole fucking thing. So he wanted to call me and wish me a Merry Christmas and we chit-chat it.

And I go, what are your plans? He goes, well, we're thinking of going down into the city and seeing the, the ball drop and I go no you're not why not because you're not doing that I go you're not wasting your time I go I grew up there and I never saw the ball drop it's embarrassing right stay home mind your fucking business like what are you talking about I go let he goes well we're gonna be down there and then we're gonna down the mulberry street and got Italian food I go that's wrong right there also he goes what are you talking about he goes what are you talking about I go mulberry's a fucking tourist trap everybody knows that now it's done

I go, you want real Italian food. You got to go up to Art the Avenue up there in the fucking Bronx. By what Tremont intersex? Bro, they got food there that will fucking knock your sauce off. Dominics and Marios, just those two. That's where you fucking start. Still authentic. Let me tell you something.

Lee, they called me from the fucking restaurant, Jack. And they were like, the owner wants to talk to you. And they were like, thank you for referring them. How did you? I was just up there about four years ago. We started talking. I go, savor that, John Bud. You're never going to eat like that ever again in your life.

He goes, Joey, when you break the bread, the smoke came out of it. He goes, this was just fucking sensational. What is the place called? Marios. He took pictures with the dude. He was like, why wouldn't I go to Mulberry Street? I go, because that's where every sucker goes to. That's sucker street now.

Everybody wants to see the Sopranos. You go down there, you eat three-day-old food. It's Chinese people cook an Italian food. That's it. That's all it is. That's all gone. That's all gone. That's where you take your girlfriend when you're a dummy. You don't even go down there no more.

Right. You didn't go down there. It ain't like years ago. No, no, no, no. No. You had real joints. It's gone now. And even if the three of them that are there.

There's one bakery there, I still know. That's not bad. No, but the whole thing now is a show. No, there's two guys in front, standing in front. She's good to walk. Make him believe. That's it. Yeah, you don't go down there.

Finished. Big mistake. I used to go to the feast with my mother when I was little. San Giro when it was San Giro. Now, fuck, it's all commercial. I used to go down there. I remember going down there with some Italian kids when I was like in the seventh grade.

The year I got left back. I went on with it. It was the same kid that got his head caught. We went to a peep show and he ran out of a corner. A peep show. And the fucking thing shut down. They were the best, right? Oh, really?

What the fuck was his name? name. I can't remember what his name was. My mouth fast, the glass used to go up. The glass would go up real quick. And you'd be right in the middle of jerking off and the fucking glass would fucking... This was way before sexual harassment and Harvey. This is funny.

You've been, yeah, he never been to a peep show. You never been to a peep show? Shall we? Not like that. On 40s show world on 46. I was a young kid, though. I went with my dad and I remember we have a story about me asking about them, but... About what? About what they were? And what did he tell you?

Well, they just, where are you going to see naked women? I didn't understand it. I was like five. You didn't want to go in there at that time? You didn't want to see a little woman's monkey. I don't think so. You're shocked. When I was a young kid and I saw a woman's pussy, I almost fucking died.

I fucking ran the first time. Scary, right? Yeah, I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know how to calibrate it. I didn't know what was going. I was so embarrassed and even asked my mom. Like, I just kept it to myself for years. Yeah. It's just like the first time you're banged. Like you didn't know what you...

Like, I don't even remember if I got it in. I didn't even know if I did it or I didn't do it. I was like, I think I did it. I wasn't sure. I know what I was doing. I was an amateur. I think you knew if you got it in. No, I'm telling you, I was a fucking amateur. The girl was a deadbeat. So what are you going to do? She was laying there like half dead. That was one of the worst. If I think back now about my time, I just like dry humping. If we could have just dry humped forever, I don't have been... fine. Yeah, it's safe. I would have been happy. Safer than fuck. Come in your pants. You come in your pants. You walk a little funny. You smell funny till dinner.

And then you take a shower. A little bit of that. Detergent, you know. If you're lucky, she lets you suck above the tit. She lets you see like the little bit of the color. And you suck that titty and keep fucking working. That dry hump and it's good because you got to like, you know, you. You know that there's a pay day. Yeah. And they always tell you, keep doing this. In Christmas, 2008,

I'll give you a taste. It's 1994. I got to wait. I had a girlfriend that had me on the hook for six months. They're telling me she was going to give me a piece of pussy on the last day of school. Really? And then the last day of school, she goes she couldn't do it, that she didn't love me, that she didn't know she really wanted me, my girlfriend.

I was fucking. Crushed? I was beyond crushed. Sixth grade, beyond crushed. Sixth grade. Jesus Christ. And I mean, it was guys at home, you all know when you fall in love the first time that you just lose interest. I was a Bruce Lee kid.

Like, I believed everything he taught, everything he said. Bad ass. And then he died. And that's all, once I got out of Catholic school, that's all I did. That was my outlet after Catholic school. I went to McKinley. After McKinley, I went up to my mother's bar. I ate something with her.

I take my karate uniform and I go to karate from 4.30 to 9. That was my life, guys. That was all I thought about. I go back. I had the incense in my room and I slept by myself at night. My mom wouldn't get home until 3.30. So you went to the martial arts way back? I was a kid. Yeah.

Bruce Ladies, have those double, triple features? And all of a sudden, I went to the seventh grade, Nick. And I just, something happened to my dick. my mind. I saw girls. It started in the sixth grade for me. I went to Miami and I met two girls. Natasha and Rebecca.

Two Cuban girls. And we played like Greece. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like we play it like Greece. Like we didn't kiss. We just fucking held each other. Faggy shit. And then we were talking the phone until my mother got the first phone bill. And that was the end of that romance.

It was like a $2.00 phone bill. Yeah, because you're on a phone forever. Forever. Talking like for nonsense. Forever. And that was the end of my romance. That was that I was a free man. It didn't matter. Pete Rose was going to the World Series.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It didn't matter in my world. I had the Mets. I had Pete Rose. I had karate. And then... Is that 75?

Seventh grade. Mm-hmm. I fucking saw this fucking guy. Like, I asked this girl out first. And Timie Holloway is listening. The girl's name is Debez Rodriguez, Cuban girl. Just beautiful.

She was hanging out with a girl named Jeanette Blasco. That was banging. She was Puerto Rican. I had a sister that was even hotter than she was called a vet. I still remember these freaks. Vett. Wow. They were Puerto Rican checks.

Oh, man, not like a Puerto Rican. And Davies Rodriguez was a good looking. I'd never forget. In the school yard of McKinley going up to and going, I like to ask you out of the date. And she's like, I'm very flattered, but I choose not to go out with you. I was like, fuck, I can't get my game on. And shit was going on.

And then I saw this guy. He started hanging out with this kid. I knew this kid from hanging out with him. Never really crazy about him. He was kind of Cuban, so I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. But then I saw his sister. Oh, my goodness. Lost it, huh?

She was my age. Skinny, dirty-looking. Oh, man. Just how I like him. Long, greasy-looking hair and shit. Yeah. Lanky. Just a thorough bread of a woman.

Did you get near her? Oh, yeah. First time I had to go to the movies with her and the grandmother. The brother couldn't know and the father couldn't know. The father and the mother were divorced, but he lived in the basement. Did you make a move? Hold on, bro. I got to get romantic.

You know, you just can't go right for the monkey. Did you make a move? You're worse than how it's during. You don't even work at promiscences. I'm waiting. Go ahead. I had to take her and the grandmother to the movies the first time. and then for about 90 days if I went over there

I'd have to watch T this is fucking crazy because I was just thinking about this I would have to watch TV with her and the grandmother not to change the story that's how fucking back of mind I am and Nick you were talking about your mind you are how old now

55 do you write things down I'm starting I write my whole day down yeah like my whole day has to be written down, Nick. If not, it's not going to work. Like, if my day is not written down, it's not

going to work. Like, I don't have to know where I got to be at 8 a.m. I got to do this at 12. I got to call this guy. I got to call that guy. Up here, I got to write things I'm doing for the week. Like, I have a notebook like this. If not, Nick, it gets fucking thrown away.

But this guy just died. No, no, this is notes for you. This guy just died. What's his kid's name when we were kids? And he fucking, he got in the way of everybody I wanted to fuck. There were two people who I still hate after 50 fucking years. Okay, there's two motherfuckers that fuck me up when I was a kid. There was three, but I forgave the third.

The first motherfucker that fucked me up when I was a kid was that fucking Donnie Osmer with his bullshit. He sang that one bad apple, and then he fucking got the TV show. The girl I was in love with, this girl I'm talking to you about. She had to stay home every fucking Friday night To watch fucking Donnie and Marika She was in love with Donnie I was ready to shoot Donnie in the head like a Kennedy Do you understand?

He was getting in between me and my fucking romance The other guy who got in between my shit Was that dude who just died That dirty son of a bitch The Partridge family, that cock sucker He fucked up a lot of relationships for me when I was 12 I used to want to bang peevee He fucked up more shit for me than the love boat

The love boat used to always fuck my game up because at 9 o'clock you get all mugged up to them and swap spit, then the love boat would come on, and they'd freeze up on you, and then you have to play dead possum for an hour, and by 11 the mother would show up from playing cards, and you went home with a fucking cold nut because of the love boat because of some midget on a boat and shit. Old nut.

Bro, when you're on 12 and you got that nut going, and you go home with cold nut, when you don't evacuate, when you don't ejaculate, whatever, When you're like under 13 and you get horned up. They call it blue balls. They call it blue boy. And it actually happens. At one time, my one nut swall up.

It hurt so bad. Oh, my God. My one nut swell up when I was about 13 because I had a nut. I was ready a nut and somebody I was ready to do something. And the cops came. Something happened. And I had to run home. And you come backfires.

When you're a kid and you get all fired up like that, that thing's ready to shoot out of like a missile. Sure. I don't know what we were. doing. I was making out with a girl. We were about to dry hump and the father came home, so I had to run out the back door broke. The next day, I woke up and I had a pain in my dick. And the following day, I woke up and my nut was swollen. I never forget, my mother fell asleep watching the TV on the edge of the bed, right? The TV was out like six in the morning, and she's passed out. And I go, Mima, and I wake her up, and she goes, okay, what happened? And I go,

look at my nuts tell me something's weird I must have been fucking 12 and I'll never forget like she just picked them up like a mom would do and she goes

you're all right get the pass out you go to you hug and I go no no nothing happened that means that you get you get hit in a nut or something by mistake

and I'll never forget that waking her up at like six in the morning go ma I gotta show you something because it was dark with your nuts in her face It was about three inches away

It's all the close Fucking crazy man What Some shit boy That's some crazy shit Yeah when you were a young kid and you know nut I remember my first hickie This chick called Vialca

She was like half black Half Puerto Rican Yeah only Puerto Rican chicks Yeah I didn't know what it was When you were kids The only chicks that would dare give you a hickie were Puerto Rican chicks And you can give them a hickey

If they didn't have a brother If they had a brother You couldn't give them a hickey I put a fucking bandaid on All my friends said Put some makeup on Because I thought that my mother And if you hung out with the brother

And you were fucking the sister You better not have a hickey From the sister either Yeah But my mother ripped the fucking bandaid Right off like an idiot It was something I mean the girl

Was amazing Like I didn't know what she was doing She blew me away She was out of my league She was so fucking powerful and sexy I was like wow I was like I never saw her again Because she was so good

I just remembered her name Vyalker My mother hit me in the fucking head And my father looked and goes Oh That was it He didn't Nothing You know my mom got mad at that shit man

You got caught Yeah but my mom I put a bandaid on it Oh you got caught for a hecky Yeah for a hickey What was the first time We got caught shooting a stomache And somebody

No no no no no I never, I mean... Your mother never caught you in that, you know, in the act. Close call, you know, but never like in the act, you know. With that girl, I used to dry hump her in my bedroom. We used to drive my mother crazy. If she was over, my mom would make me leave the bedroom door open. You can't disrespect me in my fucking house.

Right, that's when I got in trouble with my parents. My mom was one of those. His fucking first girlfriend that I hadn't shut the door, I said my parents don't like that. Don't you understand? She was a little fucking Bhutan and, you know, She liked to shut the door. I said,

What the Bhutan mean? Oh, my goodness. Yeah, you know, she was fucking more advanced than me. She was only 15. How dare she? Well, you know, she had nice titties. I was a titty guy. It was a different fucking world.

It really was, you know. It was so exciting. I had the little stereo with the A-track player. I thought I was the shit. Victoria Principal on my door. Remember Victoria principal? Dallas. The girl, Jill Goodacre,

when I lived in Boulder, she was a big Boulder girl. She had gone to school with my ex-wife. This was way before she dead at Harry Connick, Jr. I was leaving Boulder, no, even a little before that. But she was really smart. She was a Victoria's Secret,

and she took all that money and bought real estate in Boulder at that time. Jill, what was her in her father? What was that name? Jill Goodacre. Now she was a lot. Now she's married to Harry Connick, Jr. She married him? Oh.

But she was a real fucking Victoria Secret model. Let me see what she looked like. Put her up in her heyday. This is fucking Jill Goodacre in her fucking heyday out of Boulder, Colorado. Wait, out of Fairview

motherfucking high school, a Boulder high. I'm not sure. You know what? I never knew her. I saw her once with her dad. But she was a lot. already. By that time she had security the whole fucking deal

or what seemed like security. She married Harry, huh? She married Harry. Wait till you see Jill Goodacre. Once you see her, you'll remember. She was big when we were kids. Big. Now she's old. But put...

Oh, I know the face. No, no, she don't. No, you don't. That's not what she looked like. Keep going. This one over here? Yeah, keep going. keep going see how they're going to go into early jilgadaka just go into jrugraika

19 fucking 87 and see what you get with victoria secret put victoria secret next to that motherfucker oh shit put joe see it's even you don't even have the type of it now she's the first thing that comes up she's a mom now she's our fucking age but this oh my don't know right there with the white lacing Yeah.

That was her right. Keep going down. Keep going down. That's her too. Keep going down right there. Look on to that. You make it bigger? That was her when we were kids.

Modern, I mean, look at that. Get up. That's what she looked like when we were kids, dog. Just stunning. You know, she was fucking stunning. I mean, that's just beautiful. Look at that. Oh, my God.

Completely natural. There's nothing fake. That was it. That's the best of bold of Colorado, dog. I mean, that's the best of all the Colorado, dog. I mean, that's not like just skinny. And let me tell you something. Let me tell you who she grew up with.

Let me tell you who she grew up with. It's going to drive you crazy. The Gondra's ex. At that time, there was three fucking powerhouse families in Boulder. Jill Goodacre, the Gondrax, and Kevin Kahl. Kevin Kahl was real well noted because he was the guy that played for the Baltimore Colts. and he was well known for going up against gastonone. Oh, really?

Gastonone. Kevin Cole was a big motherfucker, and at that time I was getting stolen cigarettes. And his father had a fucking roach coach, and I would sell him cigarettes, you know, I would make a little money on him in the cigarettes. But at that time, when I lived in Boulder, it was Juga Laker fucking Kevin Cole.

No, no, no. She's a gorgeous girl. Bro, she was the face of victorious secret. How old is she today? She's got to be Gleet type it up Harry. How old is she? She don't look bad. I mean

No, she's a mom. She's got to eight kids. How old is she today? Jill Greaker. 53. Yeah, she's irate. Yeah, 64. 53.

She's still an attractive woman. Yeah, she's my ex-wife's age. Where did she say she go to high school? She was born in Lubbock, but I don't know what high school. How long are they married? Go to Wikipedia right there. They've been married probably

she was still fucking the real deal. Jesus. She did some movies? But grew up in Boulder, Colorado. The daughter of a real estate broker. I didn't want to say the father's name. Sculptures, whatever, native of Lubbock, and besides in Santa Fe of Mexico, with her

mother good-ecker married in 1994 in a Catholic ceremony of St. Catherine. She's the real deal, guys. Yeah. That's beauty, man. There was no issues. There was no drama with this broad. She came out the pipe. How long was she a model for Victoria's Secret?

I can't read it from here. I mean, she was Victoria's Secret in 1986. In 1985, I met somebody who asked me. if I knew who Joe Goodacre was. So that's how big she was already in 85. It's just as the 80s. So she was two years younger than me. So if I was 21, she was ninth fucking teen.

Yeah, she's spotless. She's spotless. No, no, I saw it. There's nothing. No drama. This girl married. She took over the world. She bought real estate with her father at a young age.

She bought all that shit up and bowled the dog. So when that body got, have Chubby, she had property to sell off and make a ton of money. She had that money way before the whatever earthquakes in California. That's when everybody moved there. It all happened after 94 in North Glend. Right. That's when half of California from up there moved to Boulder.

They said that's it. That's when Boulder changed completely. As I was leaving Boulder, they were already coming in. Coming in. They were buying a property. All right, I want to give a shout out to my girl Meg, Aaron Michael Stein. Wesley Day, Stefan Krypton, the Dakota Trammell, John Lemon, Scott Cunningham, Michael Horn, Bob Solomon, and Mr. Ten Steel. I know you're going through some hard times. You know, I love you, Cog, Sucker.

And that's it. You don't mean, dog. Flip, Flap, McGough. You brought the fucking sauce tonight. I got the fucking arrive. I thought you guys were going to eat. then you told me 8 o'clock I didn't know what was going on so hey I'm happy fucking I would take some home Lee's got something to eat tonight and Lee also brought your donuts

He brought your entomons Please take them home I'll eat the whole box He brought you a real deal Look at this shit Lee Which you got to deal with tonight What kind are they glazed Chocolate You don't want to eat

That's the fucking best baby Oh Jesus Christ Those are the ones that killed weight watches Yeah That's for Lee. How many is one point? How many points? Oh, one of those is ten points.

It's easy. But you want one, Lee? I want the whole box. With a glass of milk and the honeymoon is? Yeah. Oh, please take it home. By yourself. Honeymoons.

You get home at 10 to 11 from work and it's cold out and shit. Shit. You sit down. Ma, you're awake. She's sleeping. You go in the living room. You go, you fucking get some coffee. Then you're looking on top of the kitchen.

And right next to the to the toaster. There's some Entemans pound cake With some entomans donuts And you're like The pound cakes is mine If I eat this I'd have to go back to the store And get some by the time she wakes up

Yeah Because she's gonna wake up with this crumb bun in mind Oh man It's not like a good crumb cake too The end of the square The square The square crumb cake And a cup of coffee

Jesus Christ Are you kidding me? You can't even eat that now At my age I can't eat I haven't eat one of those in seven times change my diet if I'm going to live longer. No, I haven't had one of those. I see him.

Marie T. got him, dog. They got the regular ones and the old... I used to get one down the short. Apple, crumb, this bakery called Mullers would blow you in the water. Unbelievable. I don't need the crumb. Just that glazed...

Listen, Entomans was throwing heat 30 years ago. They had a chocolate donut that had chocolate balls on it with powdered sugar on it. that you would eat it and you look like fucking a mess. But Lee, they were so, let me tell you something. There was a lot of good chocolate chip cookies when I was growing up.

But the first time I had the Anthemian chocolate cookie, my heart stopped because they were soft. You like them soft? They were the first ones that was soft. Yeah. Like, I'm a Chips Ahoi dude. Me too. I'm a Chips Ahoey dude till the end of time.

I like that one company's chocolate chip cookies for a while growing up, but I'm a Chips Ahoey type of dude to the end. Chips Aoy was my thing. That was my thing, too. I like the crunchy kinds, the crispy kind. What's going on, Nick the Turam? All right, buddy, how you feel? You have a thousand things going on. Talk to me.

Right. I'm going to do a miniseries next month in Italy. You got it? Yeah, I got it. It's called the Name of the Rose. My first time working Italy with my brother, John. How many weeks you're in Italy for? I'm going to be there two weeks in February, two weeks in March, a week in April, and a week in May. You're done with the Spike Lee movie? I'm done with the Spike Lee of Black Klansman.

That was a lot of fun. How many collaborations? How many times you worked? Like five times maybe. You've done five of his movies. Yeah, he's like, he said it in front of everybody. Nick's been with me, this is like what? Number five, Nick.

I was supposed to do the, what was it, the bank robbery movie, but I didn't do that one. But I did Jungle Fever, Mobetter, Malcolm X, and I think one other one, too, I forget. And then this one, four or five. I don't know. But it was good to work with Spike again. I started with him, so it was kind of fucking weird.

You know, we were reminiscing. We were doing a lot of the lines from the old movies. We were doing jungle fever. We were doing more better. Spike's, you know, he's a good dude. He's a good. He's the first guy that gave me my start, you know? The first guy that put me on the map.

So it's kind of, you know, it's kind of fitting to go back sometimes to who you started with, you know. There's some good people, interesting people. in the movie. It's this guy that's kind of Adam Driver. It's an interesting guy and a few other people. He's kind of hot right now. Denzel's son is in it.

He's on ballers. And that's a new year. It's a new year. So I don't know. I think it's going to be a good year, you know? You're optimistic? Yeah, I don't know why. I have a good film.

But optimistic, too, that the acting. Maybe this year. There's a lot of fucking, you know, you and I talk about a lot on the phone. I don't pick out you for this. You're a great kid, but I have my frustrations also. You know, and you're like, the people that are working can't even act half of them. You know, they can't even, you know, half the people.

I know. That's the thing that's the thing that's driving me crazy. Aren't even fucking funny. So, okay, you don't want to give me the work. That's fine. Lees funny than these fucking people. How'd you do with you on night? Pretty good.

I did everything new. I want to give a shout out to the, fourth wall where fucking comedy is king. You want to be a comedian? Go to the fourth wall all right and give it a shot. You just go up there in front of a bunch of comedians. There's no alcohol. There's no

fucking glitz. It's not Madison Square Garden. It's fighting for your fucking life. You do comedy in front of comics, bro. You pay $5, you get five minutes. Like a savage old school style. You used to go too long. Like it was going well and then I just like the last

minute, I was going, I just didn't, I should have just stopped, like, the minute earlier. Like, at the light, I started getting a little bit too cocky, I guess. You did good for four minutes? For like five, I think. Did you do the same jokes as last time? No, I didn't. All new stuff. Good for you, Lee.

Congratulations. It was just, it was just, you know, I was going to do some, most of the old stuff, but with this guy, Eric, who was hosting, and I just, we're talking earlier, so we just, I just did start talking about that. Can I tell you people some? Again, no mean to interrupt you. Lee, I love you like a brother. The night that, bro, one night I was taping a special

and people knew who was in the house and they started clapping from them to come on stage. Listen to me. I'm going to tell you something. Nine of ten people wouldn't have come on stage. This poor kid went up there and took the stage. And I knew that this would have been easier. And I never intended to get him up at the stage. I knew that he had a fear of going up in the stage.

But I learned that by tricking somebody into stage, it's a lot of easing them when somebody tells you and they go, you know what, Nick? Like if a kid ever comes up to you and goes, Uncle Nick, can I talk to you? Listen, man, I want to be a stand-up comic. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared to go up the first time.

Trick him. Just go, okay, fine. Send him home and call the club. and put them up, sign them up, and then take him up there, watch your friend who's a comedian, and let them call his name. He's got no choice.

All that shit he's got, he'll have to run up there and do it. And he'll think of the material to say, and he'll get it over with, and you helped him out. You created a monster now. Now he'll continue doing it because it was that easy. But when people think about doing something, they fucking falter,

and they won't get on stage the first time. He got forced to go on stage. He had no choice. He knew, that either he went on stage or they would harass him later on. Right, yeah, pretty much. He knew. He was in a tight...

I didn't even consider an adornian. And it really works, bro. The best way to teach a kid how to swim is to throw him off a boat, right? Yeah, yeah, there's no other way, but to get in there. And that's how it was proof. Lee never dreamed of going up on stage. We had this discussion a million fucking times. He never dreamed going up on stage.

on stage. No, I love stand-up, but I never thought I'd be on stage. Right before I did the special, he started fucking around up and recita. Is that the first time you got on stage? Yeah, recita, yeah. You started fucking around and receding.

I go, look at fucking Lee going on stage. Because sometimes you've got to push people, like, come on, that's your dream. Lee never discussed it. So he went up on stage, and it's so amazing that now he goes down there by himself. I had a spotted flappers. I left him there. you know, most guys

were tipped. He fucking stayed. He stayed and finished out the night like a gentleman and fucking... Did you... Listen, man, the best thing on all that shit is watching those comics. Well, yeah, it was interesting watching some people just kind of go forward.

Like, kind of like I'm doing. Like, I have a couple... I have a list on my phone of things that I... that spark the idea. But I don't have, like, a written-out joke. But there are a couple people going down the list who were, who were like, with even sound state, like, in two weeks, when I figure out this middle part, it'll be good.

So it's kind of exciting to think about getting to that part. Like, writing a joke. Nobody really bombed in my eyes, Nick. Like, nobody really, it was weird, because I thought about this when I was driving. Nobody bombed in my eyes. Like, I'm going to continue going. in there but nobody really bombed in my eyes because I know what the feeling is at that level

I know what the feeling is at that level it's fucking horrible right you know everybody much rather be at the comedy store at the improv and at the laugh factory they're at a fucking place next to a 7-Eleven across the police station yeah you can't even smoke a joint outside you're saying like so and it's a beautiful fucking place I love the place next to a sushi place You can have sushi and go in there and do comedy and shit and leave, sign your name, go eat sushi. It's perfect. But it's like a real, like... You know what, bro?

It took me back to where I used to be. Like, I went home last night. I couldn't sleep. You know why? Because I started watching old fucking stand-up from what inspired me to be those guys. They got you going there. So I put Kenison on. I put Andrew on.

I'd put on Bill Hicks. I put on fucking something else I watched last night Lenny Clark I watched a little while and dog it lights your fire It takes you back to where those guys were Right So in those days

Yeah I was bombing like a motherfucker I was at that level in New York Did you? Oh please I would call places before I got to The time I was coming to bomb the place What would your act consist of back then? fucking horror

yeah total horror how long did you go up for seven minutes was it bad yes thinking that what kept you going desperation

yeah nothing else I knew that if I didn't keep doing it I would fall apart for sure like this was it this was my lap you bombed like a bunch of times oh my God

from I bombed from 91 to about 93 and a half. So what changed? When did it when did it change for you? I mean like what happened?

It changed like a 94 and then it evolved again like a 95 then by 97 I was on to something they just started to feel like he was on to something but I wasn't ready for nothing I was on to something

but I wasn't ready for nothing. But he wasn't ready for nothing. But he wasn't ready for nothing. There was no way. I had a polished 10 minutes if I had to. I didn't know what I was saying. Did anybody talk to you? Did anybody like, you know, guys, other guys who respected, maybe?

No, because the stage presence and the energy was always there. Oh, that was there? So that substituted everything else. That overpowered everything else. It hid the weaknesses. Which was what? The writing. The writing.

The writing. Act was from the heart. Right. That was good. That was genuine. So the act was from the heart. Right. So people liked that about you.

It was so funny. I watched the clip from kids. Do you have any footage of you like early? No. There's one person who's got my footage. I'd love to see you early, Joey. It's me, him, and Carlos Mencia. And I'm the host of the show.

And it's just God awful. I had to do five minutes. And it is probably. But you were probably always genuine, you know? I think that. I'll never forget the first time I went. That's what I like about you. Yeah, I took a class and the guy said to me,

you're on to something. Your stage presence is fucking great for that level. Like, you're really out to something. I know who you are when you walk up on stage. I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. Right. I was so desperate by 94 that I was like, I was prepared to do the journey.

Like, I was ready to be that guy in a car that just traveled in between five states and did comedy and broken down bars. I didn't want nobody calling me. Don't reach out, Nick, because I'm not going to return your calls. I just want to do comedy and left-on.

That's it. I was so heartbroken, and I was so, you know, at that point that this is all I wanted to do. And also I ended up and see howl with a stripper. Oh, man. And next year, I'm up there for a year and a half. And also I'm living in a fucking,

Me and the stripper are living in a fucking RV on Fairfax Boulevard in between sunset and Hollywood Boulevard. Did you know that? No. The first three nights I lived here, I lived in an RV in between sunset and Hollywood Boulevard where there's a, no, no, anyway, right there on that corner facing towards Hollywood Boulevard where you make a fucking left to go on to Laurel Canyon. We were parked right there. Jesus. The first three nights. Take showers in there, get dressed, and go to the comedy store.

We had the truck, the car parked behind it on a fucking trailer. Like, you drove the fucking trailer? Right. We told the car behind us from Seattle. Oh, man. And we had the same experience in San Francisco. I was doing comedy. I stopped to do comedy, and she went to park the RV, and she's driving the RV.

And as she's going down the block, I see the two. two back tires. Fall off the RV. Fall off the RV. And the RV falls on its back, and she's just dragging it. With the fucking car. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, is right.

Why'd you wind up in Seattle? I went to Michigan. Listen, this is fucked up. One of my mentors in Denver, his name was Todd Jordan, a very dear friend. I still loved the dead. A great fucking writer. And I used to look at his resume every night.

He had just won 1987 HBO's comic of the year. This kid was somebody. He was in People Magazine as the top 25 people to watch under 25. I mean, it was fucking amazing. Amazing writer.

He just fell in love in Denver and took a corporate job as a comic for a phone company or something. They paid him great money and that's what he chose to do. he would write for comics long distance like Dennis Miller at that time and stuff where the TV show

but he mentored me man and I would look at his resume and dream of the clubs he played at and he had this club in Detroit, Michigan called Joey's. That was it. Joey's Comedy Club and at that time they were

in Livonia, Belleville wherever the fuck I went there was three clubs and we were talking one day Oh shit This is what happened He had a weekend in the Bahamas To be a comic

And he asked me to open for And I was supposed to meet him in Florida And after his show in Florida Saturday night He had appendicitis He had to get rushed to the hospital And they had to take his appendicitized So the weekend in the Bahamas got canceled I couldn't go without him

So I was fucked So he goes How can I make it up to you And I go bro don't worry about it He goes no no I want to make it up to you He goes pick a club and I'll get you in there. I'll make a phone call

and get you in there. Out of all the clubs, I picked fucking Joey's in Detroit, a suburb of Detroit. And I fucking, I'm so excited. This is my second comedy club. I was already working in Baltimore.

I go to fucking Detroit. I leave from Colorado. Nick, between me and you, no lie. I had 30 bucks. I had maybe 20 in quarters. And in those days, all I would eat with veggie and cheese sandwiches

on White from Subway. I would take a six inch and eat one for breakfast and take the other six inch and eat one for lunch and then for dinner. Whatever happened happened. I would go into a supermarket and shop with salami. I was a fucking savage.

And I went to fucking Detroit and I walked into the pizza place where the guy was a manager. His name was Ed Belasca. You remember this shit. This is 1995, May. of 1995. And I tell this pizza guy, hey man, I'm Joey Dias.

I'm the feature act this week. He goes, what? He goes, who the fuck are you? I'm Joey Dias, dog. I'm the feature act this week. Come on, you better, you know, I'm like, come on, man. He's like, I don't know nothing.

It's Wednesday night, asshole. You're not supposed to be until Thursday. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? He goes, Wednesday night. I go, is there a hotel? Yeah. Thursday night. Not tonight.

You're on your own. Have a good night. I was like, God damn. Wow. And I fucking drove a few blocks, and I saw like a holiday inn that had a big parking lot. And I went in there and I took my blanket.

I was prepared. I was in the sleep in the head, like a joy in the half. Well, you're going to sleep? In the car? In the car, in the parking lot of a holiday inn. And then if you're slick,

in those days, I was so much on the road, where I figured out in the mornings you hung up by the back door at a hotel and you may believe you were smoking and if you had

like a little travel bag when somebody walked out you'd take it in and go to the gym area this was you prayed at the gym area and there was always like a bathroom in the back

you could go in the bathroom and freshen up there was always scams on the road you always figured out there was always a fucking hotel girl you knew who would fucking let you go in the back

and fucking feed your dog and fucking wash your face and comb your hand take a shower in the sink. Jesus. There's always that shit on the road. 95. Living in the backyard of a fucking hotel, my friend.

I was doing NYPD Blue then. Yeah, yeah. My God, and you were like a doctor and here you were. I was in the parking line. It's hard to... And he paged me back and he goes, listen, do you have a suit? I go, yes. He goes, opening up for Tony Bennett at the restaurant and I go to the fucking

hotel and check yourself in. Tony Bennett? Tony Bennett would do a show at the Fox Theater and then he would go to Joey's and go upstairs downstairs to the eat after the show and then for the family and a few friends. He would sing two or three little son

a concert. Nice guy Tony. And people go crazy. And you would open for him? They would say, do like 10 minutes. Be tasteful. And I was horrible. You were bad? I ate a bag of dicks, dog. Really?

Oh, I went back to the hotel room and I almost cried, but it was too late already. So I got up Thursday morning and got the free breakfast at the hotel. Thank God. You ate whatever they had. Whatever they had was good enough. I eat whatever. You got pancakes, I'll take 10 of them. You got fucking powdered eggs, I'll eat the eggs.

White bread, dry bread, I eat the eggs. And you would try to sneak shit for later. Like you would take fucking eggs. And that was how I lived, guys. It's hard to believe. Sausages, whatever. And you would take them up to your room and just stay in your room. And that Thursday fucking night I go to the club,

I'm ready to do my comedy. And I'm not on stage four fucking minutes, and the chick heckles me. Who heckles you? Some fucking chick. And I looked down, I thought it was Kelly LeBrock, dog. This chick was fucking beautiful. And the next thing you know, we started talking after the show. show and next

you know the other comedian comes up to me goes oh you met her she's very nice she's got a situation tell him and she goes well I'm in a situation my boyfriend's told my car to the place to stay tonight I was wondering if I could stay in your hotel room

like this can only happen to me you know what I'm saying I'm like she and I'm looking at this broad and I'm like this has to be a set up here and I go sure I got two beds whatever you're on what on the Walk to the hotel, I even say, well, listen, you know, I'm a sandwich, right? To a letter?

Yeah, I'm going to attack you in the middle of the night. And she started giggling. She thought I was fucking around with it. And the whole night, we were in separate beds, but I kept torched. Like, come on, get me a little taste. It's just you and me. Oh, my God. And the next day, she actually woke up and she goes, you want that taste, you got to earn it.

Give me a two-hour ride, and I'll give you a little taste of something. And I said, I need a down payment right now. You got the second, Sukala-a-me? or whatever. She tore your bone. No, she drove naked. She got naked as I drove. And I would tell her what to do.

Play with your monkey a little bit. Stretch it out. Stretch it out like a fish man. Really? While you were driving? Oh, yeah. Scratch and put it by my nose. Let me sniff it off your fingers like an animal.

Did you get hard while you were driving? Oh, I busted it up in my pants. That's what you just bust. You just fall apart. You can't even break. Oh, my God. You keep hoping the deal. don't run out there because you can't put the

break because your left leg went fucking stuck. She's nude while you're driving. Oh my God. I couldn't believe it was happening. Oh my God. And it had been warming up to that. Was it in a day or at night? This is fucking the next morning. We had to check out of the old, no. I was still doing comedy that Friday night. Oh, my God. So that day

I drove all the way up there and there was drama. There was drama. She couldn't get into a house. So I had to help her break into the back and then she got her clothes but the boyfriend stole her house her car keys and her wallet so she still had no place to go oh so now she was too upset to suk al-a-mink how can you make a chick that's crying suk al-a-lamek how she could do that how she looked good oh she was beautiful

big bush she was bad at that time i hadn't seen yeah she didn't have a bush so finally she goes do you mind if i come back to the hotel with you she's like can i come back to the hotel you know I'm going to leave you out of the street. Besides, you owe me a piece of ass. You ain't going nowhere to the debt is paid. You know what? And she came back to the hotel. You know what, bro?

We became good friends and shit. Joey should write a book, shouldn't he? The boyfriend kept calling the hotel all night. Where the fuck is she? She belongs to me. I'm going to come down. And she told me the whole story. She was 25.

And she was, he was 51. And she was fucking him because he put it through college. Oh. But she tried to break up with him. Now he was trying to sue her. He was a sugar daddy type situation. So that's why he stole the car. The car belonged to the mother.

Oh, man. It was in the mother's name. So now she was busted. So she stayed Friday in the hotel. The drama. Saturday. And then Sunday on the way home, I dropped her off of the house. By that time, I had given the 22 Sukhalamink's 18 stabbing.

So you got a little taste. And you know what happened, bro? What? What happens after you get divorced? Like I got divorced and I was brokenhearted. And I had met some women, you know, but she was the closest I met to somebody I could hook up with. And I overlooked the stripping and the sugar daddy because she had great pussy. And as a man, sometimes you overlook everything.

Even though you know it's going to be dangerous. But you tell yourself you're going to do it differently and she's not going to suck nobody else's dick. Right. Even though you're a seasoned man. Right. You know she's a professional dick sucker. She strips already. You've known her for three days, and you already know she's a fucking nude stripper in a college town.

And she had a sugar daddy for four years during college. And this guy was no fucking Prince Matiabelle. Right. You know, he was a horror show. That's why he was paying a 21-year-old girl to blow him. Sure. It was a fucking horror show. When she was telling me, and you know, by that time I thought I was a season, man, I hadn't ever heard those things.

I was in fucking shock when she told me that shit. Yeah, wow. It was crazy, but I still found love with her. You can. Dog, I dropped her off in Lansing, Michigan, and I drove all the way back to Boulder, Colorado. I wasn't home two days, and she called and said,

I'm coming to Boulder to see you. Forget about it. I found love. There was an opening in my heart. She just slipped right, and I didn't care if her pussy was dirty. I didn't care if she had VD. she was beautiful and she was going to be mine or at least I thought

it took her maybe 60 days to start fucking being an animal again I ended up in jail it was a fucking horror show but four years with this fucking crazy chick Yeah we know we just spoke to her day For New Year's she called me I called her back

Jesus Listen we remain friends Things happen in your life Yeah She's the reason why I got to LA She's the one that when I told her Well you have some connection If you're still talking or maybe you guys actually...

Listen, we broke up here, like after six months and we knew it was at the end. We ended up fist fighting to the death on fucking sunset and fucking gardener one day. She had the mace and had a salami in my hand. That kind of thing. Yeah, it was one of those at the end. Yeah, so thank God I ended up in prison. Thank God she didn't mace me in the eyes. I ended up like fucking Jim Jones's cousin.

Thank God. Look, we were making good friends. She even said to me, she came to see me this last time, brought her boyfriend and her kids. How she looked today? You know what, bro? You met her. Did I? She came to the set of the longest yard.

She came to the set? And she had the baby. I don't remember. Those fucking, that was 2004. So the kid's 13 now. She brought them to the fucking my show in Tampa. Wow. They came to the hotel and I talked to them for a little while.

You know, the longest yard, it's been a while. That's a long time. There's so much happened. during the Longish Yard. It was so exciting. A lot of it's a blur now, but there was a lot going on during a Longishard. You know, Joey, my dear friend, Joey Falado,

called yesterday, and he goes, hey, I didn't hear from me from Christmas. I called you. He goes, I called you too. I go, Joey, it happens. He goes, Cocoa, he had turned the TV on in the middle of the night, and the Longer's Yard was starting. I watched the whole fucking thing. And he goes, I got to ask you something. How much fucking fun did you have shooting? The question,

comes up. I'm supposed to do Steve, whatever's podcast. And I called them and I set it up and I had to cancel because the baby got something to happen with the school and I was supposed to be scheduled

but the holidays were coming and we discussed what we were going to talk about. And he goes, listen, if you come on, I've had some other guys come on. I'd rather you not talk about the longest show. I go, no. We have to talk about the night. You knocked on my door and fucking one of the booze.

from inside my fucking refrigerator because they have Steve who? Austin. Oh, Steve Austin. That little crew were young out with those little wrestlers and shit

Yeah. They were drinking so much At first they locked up the bottle Isn't there a crazy little Hindu guy? That used to hang out You know what I'm talking about? Oh I turned them on to somebody

Oh, listen to me I turned them on to somebody We got to tell this story Okay listen Little Hindu listen listen listen Okay so Oh, my. There's this fucking guy in the movie, the big fucking Hindu.

No, not the big guy. Hold on. Hold on. Let me tell the story. Okay. All right. What's the big guy's name? Alip.

Dalip. Well, Dalip, because he was whatever, they gave him like this fucking assistant. And he was this little Hindu guy that between you and me, if I had to bet a hundred bucks, I said the guy bet it on the other side. I honestly thought that he was a hundred. 100% gay. If you came to me and said to me, listen, your little sister has to sit with somebody for an hour,

I would definitely leave him with that person. So, Drew the Longest Yard, we're talking to this fucking broad on the set, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. One thing's lets to another. She's talking to me, Lobo, and Nick a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. and she's definitely talking to Nick

and she's talking to me and we all become friends so the chick was like a Cosmic's masseuse or something like that so fucking she needed a ride to the airport or something did he get rubdowns

he gave rub down oh that's the story yeah yes he gave rub down now this I listen again ladies and gentlemen If I got a yardstick, I'm betting the guy is 100% gay. But I guess he told the chick, I'll drive you, but you got to come up to my room first. He pulled the Harvey. He said, you got to come up to the hotel room first.

Yeah. Well, I don't know if this is the same brajole. Yes. She was a cute girl, but, you know. There's a value. girl? Yes, yeah, some chick. I knew the girl. I know that, but you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. So, I'm trying to, you know. So the funny thing is that, like I said, we're all in the same hotel. So something happens that she's going to give him a massage. Nick's trying to, no. I'm trying to get rid of her. Nick's trying to be a nice guy

and go here. Here's 50 bucks. Do us a favor. She's looking for a ride to the hotel. I can't do it. You can't, no, to the airport. She was leaving town or something He lured her into the room And what happens next? That's not a good word, Joey

Oh my God Oh my God Go ahead, drop it on them So next thing you know I don't know nothing I go back to my room I'm in love with the movie man on fire I'm already into the hotel

I'm already into the hotel $1,500 and $10 fucking movies Every time I got that movie It was $10 I would pay my bill every week It was $80 and fucking man on fires. And those motherfuckers kept charging me. I hope the loved that burns down.

I don't know what happens, but I got to call 10 minutes later from Nick the tour. And he goes, Joey, have you seen the fucking Hindu dude? Yes, motherfucker. And I go, what are you talking about? You know, we were all together. Yeah. I saw him with you. And he goes, yeah, he took the chick up to his room.

And then he told him he was a masseuse. He was a Hindu masseuse. Right. And next, you know, he started rubbing it. he went into a trance or something. He started getting creepy. Started getting real fucking crazy. Hands trying to go up her ass and everything.

And the girl fucking was, you know, she was petrified. I felt bad because I was like, I thought this guy was innocent. Oh, we thought he was, dog, I'm telling you. If I had to give you. I don't know how it ended, but it wasn't. No, it wasn't good. She wasn't good. She didn't call the cops.

She didn't call the cops. He was fucking, you know. I think I had to scold him. Yeah, you said some, too. I think I said... When you saw him, he was sweating. He turned, fucking, he was all full of sweat. I was like, I had to fucking tell a Hindu, you know, listen.

How is you scold someone? Well, whatever. Because we knew something went down. Yeah. But it didn't go down. He went overboard. You know, he was supposed to behave. Instead, he didn't behave.

So... He went bananas. He went fucking nuts. He played all of us. He played like the effect. that guy that was very peaceful. No, he wasn't. And very like, oh my God, I'm here helping him.

Right. Meanwhile, fucking Abdul, he had just come to the States. He had never seen a white woman before. He was seven-for-four. What? He was seven-for-four with a two-foot dick. He was getting hard odds on the field, seeing those white chicks that were just the old women.

Like, he would see old white women and get hard on the Indian, dude. He was eating 20s. How many eggs would they send them up to his room for breakfast? A lot. lot this fucking guy he was a giant it's a fucking giant man that's right you just refresh my memory but there's

more to the now you remember the hindoo guy we were laughing oh my asses off because he was sweating he was dripping with sweat and we finally found him he was like I don't know what happened to her she was upset and she was like yeah this motherfucker try to put his hands up my ass

and everything and I was like oh my thought he was a nice guy You know? He quit. Something happened. Did he quit? He got replaced. Yeah.

Something happened. Yeah. Something went down. He wasn't innocent. Right. At the end, he had to go back to India. His dad was sick overnight. So something went down.

I do remember that. That was a funny. Yeah. That was a funny little fucking story. I figured I picked on him because he looked like an innocent guy. He said, all right. He's a nice guy. He won't do any harm.

You know? I never, ever, ever went to Albuquer. with those guys. Albuquerque? Yeah. I only went there. Those guys were going on Wednesday nights. I never went there.

I only went there when I did another project, another movie. But I never went to Albuquerque. I just stayed in. I loved Santa Fe. I fucking loved it. That was a great place. It's just, I don't know. I didn't want to leave when it, you know, like the L.A.

part of the movie was okay. Santa Fe was just a blast. It was the rap party. The rap party was. I was out drunk, man. I had a fight with the old lady. I walked away and remember I came back.

I was, I took too long and then some guy was sitting next door and I fucking screamed at the guy. Guy ran away. He worked in the hotel. He was just sitting there innocently. He put his hand out like that. I went to fuck out of here. I got to think of my funniest memory. Like if somebody said to me, give me your funniest day on the set of the longest yard.

It's definitely going into my room and definitely having two ounces of weed in my fucking bag. And I would roll up weed with my football uniform on the tattoos. I didn't realize so many people were smoking pot. Oh my God. Let me tell you something. When Goldberg would rip the door off the hinges,

I would lose my mind by myself in that trail. because I could feel him, I can hear him yelling about something and then the door coming off the hinges and him throwing out into the fucking little pathway with a golf course used to ride back and forth to pick up the players

and the fucking... It was a blast. It really was. It was a magical... I don't know, just the time we had. It was one of those projects where you'll never forget and they play it all the time. It's amazing. They fucking play it.

A, play it. Constantly. I cannot believe, like, constantly. You know, it's a shame they couldn't have made another movie out of it because it's got such an audience.

I saw Irvin and at the fight, McGregor fight, picked me up in the air. He had me in a bear hug for my five minutes. Man, it was a great time. Great time.

You know, every once in a while, I put on sons of anarchy. I come home at night and I just want to decompress, you know. Yeah. And I'll put on those episodes when Lobo is on that. I don't know what season is. Lobo Sabastiana is on three or four episodes.

This little sons of anarchy and they kill them off. They chop his fucking head off and shit. But every time I see those episodes, I remember how nice of a time you and him were having. Yeah, the three of us. Because you have, you know, listen, man, Irvin and those guys were Michael. Yeah, they were fun, but they were all like, you know. They were doing their own thing. They were doing a thing.

the fucking wrestlers, you had to fucking have a liver and a half to drink with those animals. Right. You know. And then you had Adam and his buddies. Yeah. They weren't going to invite you upstairs.

No. Then you had the one and only Tracy Morgan who once they realized his fucking torment, they shot him out as quickly as fucking possible dog and got him on a plane the fuck out of that. Yeah. That's the way.

And somebody once told me, they go, listen, Joey, if I ever get you on this show, My goal is to shoot you out before anybody even shows up. I don't want nobody to see you. I don't want nobody to see you on the fucking show. I just want you to go off. And I thought about him.

I go, that's how you shoot somebody who is a little fucked up. Why fuck around? You know he's fucked up. You know what? He makes six o'clock. Let six, shoot him by seven o'clock. If he can make six o'clock, tip-top, Magoo. On time, he's not drunk, right?

Yeah, he does that other time. Okay. Shoot him out at 7. Shoot him out until 10. Don't shoot the stars in until he leaves. Why get them upset? Because the guy's a powerhouse. The stars come in.

They see him and they go, why is he here? He's too funny for the show. Only a few. Listen, if you watch the pilot of 30 Rock, the show he was on with the white chick. What's her name? Lee. Tina Fey.

She's brilliant for putting him on that. Not too many people would have put Tracy Morgan on that fucking show. Well, he's a talent. She hit it out of the park. And if you watch the pilot, she has to talk him into the show while he's in the strip club,

which is the funniest scene ever. He's like, yeah, I'll let you talk to me. I'm on my way to the club. And he goes into a strip club, and she's sitting there with these naked women, and she's trying to talk him into fucking, whatever the fuck it is. It's brilliant shit because they got him.

I guarantee Tina Fey didn't want him around all day. Right. I guarantee you Get him in, get him out Get him and get him out He's not going to get crazy You know I remember Adam used to like

You know You could see Adam liked him Yes, but he liked him But yet he knew He didn't want to let him go off He didn't want to He wanted to keep him A little under control

And Adam was a You know Adam was a He was a lot of fun on that movie He was he was a He was a I mean I remember him always being In a pretty good mood

In that movie He was You know He was the ringleader but he kept everybody everybody happy he just seemed very happy in them when he was doing all those guys

being around that there was so much to be around but like I said I was with you Lobo I mean thank God I didn't you couldn't get too involved there was too much of that let me tell you something brother

I'm not and I have no you know Plus that was I was I was fucking focused I was well in Seattle it was 97 and his movies were coming out and they were hitting and had dear friends who were into him

and I went to their house and I watched him and I go, no. I didn't know. I can't deal with this shit. This is terrible. Right. And the years passed and I boycotted them in my mind.

It wasn't my type of humor. Right. Everything changed the moment I shook his hand the first time. I felt so guilty with myself. Yeah. Well, because you had preconceptions

about him. I had tremendous preconceptions about him. And you probably said, this guy's not, I think I had said the same kind of thing. When I walked out of that car and he picked up my fucking luggage with flip flops on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and walked me up the stairs and told me about what was about to happen and it's great to have you. You're all packed. You're ready to go. First class all the way guy. Yeah, yeah, let's go. He took us into that room. And we did the table read. We first went to the table read. Open the door. He was so... We sat in there.

There was food in the back. I remember sitting in between Bert Reynolds. You were at the end of the table. Yeah, I was all the way in the back with Warriors come out and play. I was with him. Good actor. I was with Michael, because I knew Michael Irvin from the Best Damn Sports Show. Okay.

In fact, there's a tape of me roasting Tom Arnold going off. Really? On that, whatever channel that was on. Fox Sports One. There's a tape of me somewhere. I audition for that show. Which one? Best damn sports show.

Oh, please. Got hitting a fucking kneecap by Jim Lampley, swinging a bat. That was the audition. In the audition. He was swinging a bat, talking about the movie 61, and took a full swing and smashed me right in my fucking kneecap. And I just had pneumonia. I think I was in shock. And Deacon Jones, everybody was in shock.

You all right, kid? Everybody stopped. I don't know. I just, I was like. I didn't feel well and I just wanted to get out of here. He smashed me in the knee. He didn't realize he was sitting so close to me. I screamed right on the Senate.

It was fucking crazy. Crazy. I should have fucking laid down a suit Fox. I should have fucking played dead. But I was just like, get me out of here. Get me out of here. I was coming out of some illness and I just was like, I don't know. I couldn't even speak.

Producers were like, hey, talk, talk. And I was like, I just didn't want to be there. I just did the auditioners. I wanted to get out of it. the house I had been sick and all this shit but getting back to the longest show Adam was great. Did you go to My mother had a heart attack and I think of

nicer. Now did you go to New Mexico right from the table where he was? I went pretty soon and that's when my mom had the heart attack and then I had to go back and then he said yeah go ahead don't worry and set my mother I met you on the van ride on the way back as where we got kind of you were headed back to for your mother's thing we had just gotten there we just got there

We had just got me. I went out for a pass and the ball. I stole my finger to this day. It never healed. Some guy threw me a pass and it jammed it like you threw a fucking 100 mile per an hour pass and my finger never fucking healed right. Unbelievable.

Then I almost broke my foot when I fell off Bob Sack. If you remember, I did half the movie with like a broken foot. You remember I hurt my foot. That's right. I fell off the fucking thing. I was supposed to do that mud scene with Adam. That was in the original. movie and I couldn't do the scene.

We had to do that mess hall scene because in the original movie they have a fight in the swamps. It's you and him and you're threatening for push-ups. Yeah. Then you put mud in his pants. And I put mud in his pants. He puts mud. And that fucking scene we could not do because I couldn't, I could only limp.

I was in agony. I was coming to work every day with the fuck on the crutches. So I fell off his back and I had a bone contusion on my heel. And I couldn't do that. They were like, this kid can't do the fight. I couldn't even run through the tires. Some tall fucking dude. If you look at it, it's a

tall guy. That was the double. Yeah, yeah. One of the doubles. And then I come out of the tire. But, uh, no, Adam was great. He was just, he was, he was like, way different than you would have ever thought. You know, I had heard guys that worked with him, then my brother worked with him

and said he's a great guy. And he's a great guy. And, uh, and other guy said, he's really a good guy. And, um, you know, and the nice thing about him was he let people shine. He did. You know, if he knew you were funny, he passed you the ball, he threw you the ball,

he gave you a shab, he gave me a legitimate shot. That part was nothing on paper. And then it became like, it became like a part. It became something. Right after the first scene with me and you, the half of me ball, he came over to me,

he fucking came over to me. I had the hair cut and he goes, dude, you're fucking funny, dude. You're a funny dude. And I was just, you know, I was just going there trying to create a character. I wasn't thinking about anything because it's a million years.

That was a funny scene, you know, tree out. You know, you were doing the tree out, and I come over there, yeah, for me, ball, whatever I said. That was my first day. Yeah, that was like the first. That was my first real day. But I was down there for a week. Oh, you were?

And I would wake up and I'd be in the hotel room. Ah. I'd go downstairs eat breakfast, go back up, smoke a joint, and then about two, I would be hungry. And I called the set, and they'd send the shuttle over to get me and drive me to the set. I go over there, shake a few hands, hang out with Ivan, get some chicken breast or whatever the fuck they were eating. That was great.

Eat like a galvan. Yeah, you could go eat and go back to the hotel. Yeah, then when I was ready, give me a shuttle back ride to the hotel. And then we get a box to go. The big fat dude would give you a box of chicken and whatever you want. Oh, man. And you went back to your moon and you watched TV and nobody bought. And I did that for the first five fucking days.

You got to understand. We got treated like kings. You don't get treated like that today on another movie. You know? Fed, you know, I mean, no, but not like that. That was Adam treated everybody. Great. That was first class all the way.

I mean, it was really, really good. And gave you a car. I think I had a car. I had a car. Per diem. It was fucking. When I got there, I had a pack, a half a pack of cigarettes. I had a joint and a half.

And I don't know what I had for money. I had nothing. And I didn't know what I was going to do next. And when we landed. Hey, I love that when they hand you that envelope. Oh, my God. You know, and they hand you that envelope. I was, guys, I got no reason to bullshit, you motherfuckers.

I borrowed, I think I got paid. We went on the Tuesday, and I did comedy that Monday night. And whatever cash I had, whatever extra my wife had. Me and you were waiting for the residuals. Oh, like a motherfucker. We were fucking talking, planning. We were like, you were like, Nikki, I'm waiting for this motherfucker. Oh, I had it on paper.

Yeah, you were fucking, you were doing the mat. I figured that all. You were souping me up. You had me on the fucking go. I couldn't wait. And I think it was like the second or the third that was like the big check. You know, I think the first one might have been a little small. Then I was like, all right, where's this motherfucking Coco said it's going to be big?

And it was good. It was good. It was tremendous. I was a big movie. Fucking big movie. I mean, it was really a, it was a blast. I have to say, it was special. You know, the whole experience, it was good.

I mean, I knew it was going to be. I knew it was going to be. Both premieres were good. The New York premiere was great. That was a good one. I almost got into it with a whole fucking, I don't want to get into it. We had a blast there, blast in L.A. The L.A. 1 Lee, by where Jimmy Kimmel shoots.

Yeah. They rented that out and put them into a football stadium. Yeah, my God. With an official turf, and it was all the stadiums. It was great. It was football at our tables with our names. It was fucking crazy. Fucking baseball.

cards. We all had our own cards. I'll never forget that I got the cocaine delivered to the fence. You did? The kid pulled up and I walked, I'll be right back. And I walked straight to the fence during the premiere. Gave the guy the 60 bucks and gave me the gram and nobody saw anything. And I walked

back to the table. In fact, you told me you had some pictures for me once from the New York one. You were like, I got some pictures for you, but I never got those pictures. I don't know what the fuck happened to those things. I don't know what kind of fucking pictures you said. I got some pictures. Those are some fucking wild nights for me, man. a good night.

The bars was cool. The bars was cool. Everybody was really cool. I mean, you know, everybody was, you know, I don't know. Let me ask you something. Talk to Long and the short. Tell the people the recipe for this sauce. Oh, my sauce. Why? It's, uh, you know. Nikki did it again. You know what I'm saying? Knocked it out of the park with the sausage with the pork. You know, you get the, uh, cut up the garlic, brown the garlic, put the meat in. and you put your fresh basil, your oregano,

a little parsley, a little grated cheese, a little sugar, a little wine. And then you put it on a nice little low flame, cook the meat, and baboon. But it's the hand. You understand? You like that, huh, Joe? Nikki Red Sores, it's coming this year. I know I promised all you guys, I'm getting it out there.

It's been a while. but it's going to be a... I don't know. I had a roll of paper towels. Tonight he got the real thing. No, this is tremendous. Yeah, he loves it. We got the Iraq, and the other thing, we're nothing.

We shouldn't even have got that shit. It don't compare thick to this. This is... Well, I wanted you to taste the real thing because the last time you loved the jar sauce, and the jar sauce was fucking good. Fucking, I'm anti-eating sausage after 6 o'clock. And those are good sausages.

You made these? No, I got them from a fresh from a... Butcher. Those are no bullshit sausages. You can't buy those in Trader Joe's. That a boy. Is this gravy when they say it? No, I call it sauce.

Some Italians call it gravy. But, you know, to me, I don't like to say gravy because that sounds like fucking, you know, white people say that stuff. I don't know. Some Italians do it. Yeah. It sounds supposed to be gravy. I don't give us a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

fucking sauce. It's sauce. I want to call it gravy, go ahead. Some people want to make jokes about that. I call it sauce. I don't give a fuck what you call it. I don't give a fuck what you call. I don't give it what you call.

Let's just eat and have the fucking good time. This shit tomorrow will be even better. Speaking of eating, this show, like I told you in the beginning, I always got great sponsors. I love them with all my heart. I have a great time with them. I don't mind talking about them.

But one of my favorites, that's why they stuck around and I wanted them to stick around. Was Blue Apron. And like I told you in the beginning, Blue Apron is the leading meal kit delivery service in the U.S. And while many people know what we do, many don't know about what type of meals you eat when you cook with Blue Apron, you're not just having burgers for dinner. You're making short-ripped burgers with a happy cheddar sauce and a pretzel bun, crispy shallots and green beans and mashed potatoes,

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Blue Apron is taking care of you because I'll tell you what, listen to this week's menu or this month's menu. Steak Diane with mushroom pan sauce and mashed potatoes. Do you know how to make that? No, you don't. With Blue Apron, you'll learn how to make that. General Tows chicken with bok choy and Jasmine Rice. Do you know how to make that? No, you know.

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Blue Apron is taking care of the church of what's happening now. They're going to hit you with the first three meals, a $30 dollar value with your first order if you visit. Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Again, blueapen.com slash Joey. Like I said, this week's menu, oh my God. steak Diane with the mushroom pan sauce. Let's get to it.

You understand me? And you get $30 off with free shipping at blue apron.com slash Joey. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. This show is also brought to you by honor. You're like, Joey, why is your mind always ticking? You know why? Alpha brain. That's why.

I can tell you it's the reefer. I go on my little alpha brain cycles from time to time. And I'm tip-top. I get my six-hour sleep. Who's going to stop me? Let me tell you why I love Alpha Brain and why I love Honor, because they back what they sell. If it don't work for you, you send it back and they give you your money back. You don't have to send the product back.

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Deliver right to your motherfucking house. You understand me? Also, you're thinking about jujitsu. You're thinking about mats. You're thinking about rash cards. Do me a favor.

Go to Fuji Sports.com right now. Look at the great selection they have. You like something, pressing church. Help us out. Get 15% off your order right now today. I want to thank my brother, Nick Futuro, for making the sauce.

Also, I want to apologize to him about asking, I didn't want a bunch of kids in the studio because I didn't know these children. I didn't want to get in trouble. I want my deepest apologies. I want you to extend my apologies. I'm a gentleman, but I don't want to get no children and problems.

And I get problems, and you get problems. Then we're on the cover of THC. Apology accepted. And if you don't think we're getting work now, think of what happens when you make the cover of TMZ for hanging out with kids and drinking. Because they were drinking red wine. That's all I need to see. Even if the kids weren't drinking, they come in here.

There's three bunks. We go to jail, me and you. Yeah. We do 22 to the life, no parole. Anyway, I want to thank you guys again. Don't forget, two weeks from now, Austin, Texas, like a motherfucker. The 18th to the 20th, Lee's coming with me. Go to capcity.com right now for tickets.

I want to thank my brother Nick Tutu for a marathon podcast, Lee Syatt, and for him cooking so well. Have a great week. Stay black and see you Monday morning. Thank you, buddy.